#but it’s the perfect time to check your biases maybe

[not-so-rosyyy]

my hope is that people who have unknowingly participated in the smear campaign against Blake Lively during that whole movie’s press run, especially women (smart women, even!) who from my observation at the time were mostly the ones really digging in on her with the countless thinkpieces and jokes, can take a step back now and see how easily they can be manipulated into evescirating a woman while simultaneously propping up the man on the other side of the equation to almost hero status, without actually knowing what’s going on. and how much of that is the direct result of their internalized misogyny being used against them.

[etz-ashashiyot]

Compassion check: Do you

Want an end to the violence that both sides find to be acceptable (or at least they can live with the compromise), even if it isn't your ideal perfect solution?

Want as few people to die as possible, even the people on the "wrong side"?

Accept that you may need to put aside your own views and biases and prioritize what the people you're advocating for are actually asking?

Understand that your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and your self-understanding of your motives are less important than other people's actual lives?

Accept that you will need to take the time to empathize with the "enemy" in order to understand what they actually want, need, think, and feel in order to situate your responses in relationship to that reality?

Accept that if there is a solution that lifts up both peoples and allows everyone to move forward in a mutually beneficial way, you should throw your whole weight behind it because it'll help the people you're advocating for, even if it helps the "enemy" side too?

Understand and accept that you cannot rewrite or undo history, but you can help people move forward and make an active choice to prioritize forward thinking?

Know and have sat with the facts on the ground, have verified them from friendly and unfriendly sources, and are willing to acknowledge the truth of inconvenient facts and other people's truths in addition to your own?

Understand and accept that you not only should, but must call out poor behavior and bad actors in your movement in order to preserve its integrity?

If so, then maybe you're ready to be an activist on behalf of another group. If not, you are neither mature enough nor compassionate enough to act as an effective advocate and/or mediator.

[cowboydisaster]

Just Like You

pairing: SImon "Ghost" Riley x single mom reader word count: 1.6k summary: Ghost can't get used to the fact that he's your son's favorite person in the world, but damn- he's trying. ("You- You're me for Halloween??") a/n: this fic references the comics, so for those who didn't know: Joseph was Simon's nephew. Super angsty and fluffy. Simon bonding with your kid. beta read by @margowritesthings

masterlist

Leo loves Halloween. It’s your son’s favorite time of year. The five year old boy, with your help, worked incredibly hard on his costume, and he’s sure it's going to be the best costume on the block. You may be a little biased, but really, it’s very good. Leo has put extra effort into perfecting every detail of his costume, because this year is special.

It’s the first year that Simon will be accompanying Leo with trick or treat. Leo loves Simon to pieces– but Simon can’t figure out why. The soldier elicits fear from nearly everyone that he encounters, his mask makes children scream and run in the other direction. Hell, his mask makes adults piss themselves in the field. Many enemy soldiers have surrendered at the sight of Ghost running towards them. So Simon can’t wrap his head around the fact that his girlfriend’s little boy looks up at him like he’s the greatest person in the world. 

Simon is less than stellar with children. He tries, but he’s not entirely sure how to talk to them. He’s always a little awkward, generally avoiding children when he can, but this one seeks him out. Simon loves you more than anything, and he wants to form a relationship with Leo, he’s just not exactly sure how. He’s trying, for you and the boy. Leo’s biological dad is a piece of shit, which Simon has lived through, and he tries to shield the poor kid from that pain as much as possible. Maybe it’s because Leo reminds him so much of Tommy and Joseph, but your kid is special. 

–

“You ready, bud?” You ask, pulling a hoodie over your frame. It’s Simon’s and it’s oversized, stopping just above your knees. But it's comfortable, and late-October in Manchester is not. Immediately, you find yourself encompassed in its warmth and the smell of Simon’s cologne.

“Almost, mummy!” Leo yells from the bathroom. “Simon is gonna love this!”

You chuckle, “I know he will, baby.” You grab the fresh mug of tea from your nightstand and head down the carpeted stairs. Simon was to be here an hour before trick or treat. You check your watch. 18:00. As if on cue, the doorbell rings, sounding out loudly through your little home. Always punctual. Leo squeals out of excitement at the sound.

“Coming!” You holler, padding across the chilly living room towards the door. You jog lightly, causing a few drops of tea to spill over from the lip of your mug, dripping down to the floor and splashing against the hardwood floor. Ignoring the little mess, you pull the frosted glass door open. Simon is wearing his less civilian mask with the hard plastic skull face. You’d specifically requested that he wear it, though he wasn’t sure why.

“You can just come in, you know. You don’t have to ring the doorbell.” You chuckle, nodding for him to come in. He steps inside the door, hands softly gripping onto your waist as he kicks the door shut. 

“I told you to keep your door locked.” Simon raises an eyebrow, squeezing your waist. 

“Oh, right…” You hum, squinting your eyes as you recall that conversation, “I forgot.”

“Course you did, love.” Simon smirks, “Happy Halloween.” he says, and you chuckle, gripping his skull mask by the teeth and pushing it up over his face. His scarred lips are sporting a smile, and you kiss it away. It’s over all too quick as he pulls away, nodding towards the cup of tea in your hand. 

“The kettle’s still on, yeah?” He asks, pulling the mask back down over his face. 

“Yes, I’ll get you a cuppa.” You roll your eyes playfully. He’s cutting your kisses short for tea, something he’ll make up for later, you’re sure. Simon glances around the living room, noting the few abandoned truck toys that lie around the living room.

“Where’s Leo?” Simon asks, looking around the living room as you walk towards the kitchen. 

“He’s just finishing getting ready upstairs. Why don’t you go up? I'll bring your tea up.” You hum, grabbing a tea bag and Simon’s favorite mug. You hear heavy footsteps going up the stairs, and take that as his response. 

You shake your head, amused as you slowly pour the steaming water over the tea bag, watching it turn a rich brown. Once it’s properly mashed, you add his preferred amount of milk and sugar, and then carefully start up the stairs. Your footsteps are naturally much quieter than Simon’s, and with the added fact that you’re trying not to spill his tea, he doesn’t hear you coming up the steps. You reach the top, and stop dead in your tracks at the sight around the corner. Simon is walking towards Leo’s bedroom, but from the angle you’re at, you can see Leo hiding around the corner as if he's about to scare Simon. Leo is fully dressed in his Halloween costume, a little replica of the exact outfit Simon is currently wearing, skull mask and all.

“Boo!” Leo screams, rounding the corner that Simon was just about to go around.

Simon clutches his chest, jumping back a comical amount. Simon literally screams, attempting to sound terrified. Obviously Simon isn’t scared in the least, but Leo doesn’t know that. Simon lets the boy proudly think that his costume is scary enough to frighten the unshakeable. Leo’s smile is as bright as ever under his mask, and you grip the cup of tea a little tighter as a smile pulls at your own lips. Simon’s eyes are comically wide as he fakes terror for the young boy. Entirely satisfied with Simon’s reaction, Leo pulls his mask off, giggling madly. 

“It’s okay, Simon! It’s just me, don't be scared!” Leo giggles, jogging up towards Simon who is bent over at the waist, pretending to gasp for breath and holding his chest.

“Bloody hell, mate. You nearly gave me a heart attack!” Simon chuckles, scooping Leo up into his arms. Once settled on Simon’s hip, Leo holds the plastic mask up to Simon’s face. It’s an exact replica of the mask he’s currently wearing, just much smaller. 

“Look! I'm just like you for Halloween!” Leo smiles, showing Simon all the little details that he’d put into perfecting his mask. 

“You–” Simon’s brow furrows, “You’re me for Halloween?” He asks, piecing it all together. Leo holds the mask out to Simon, who takes it and looks over the smaller version of Ghost’s infamous skull mask. 

“Yep! Do you like it…?” Leo asks, sounding a bit worried. His little eyebrows pull together, and Simon is quick to reassure him. 

“I love it, mate. It’s perfect, looks just like mine.” Simon whispers. There is emotion in his voice, unusual for him, you note. Tears prick your eyes as Leo puts the mask back on, looking up at Simon. 

“I wanna be like you when I grow up.” Leo says, wrapping his little arms around Simon’s neck. 

“You’re gonna be better than me, Leo. Much better, yeah?” Simon whispers, looking the boy in the eyes. Leo nods, curling up against Simon’s chest. He rubs his hand up and down Leo’s back, comforting him. 

“You know, Leo, you remind me of a boy I used to know.” Simon mumbles in a rare show of emotional vulnerability, his eyes glazed over as he pats the boy’s back. 

“Who?” Leo asks, propping his chin on Simon’s chest to look up at him better. 

“Uh–” Simon hesitates. “His name was Joseph… He was my nephew.” Simon whispers, and your heart wrenches in your chest. 

“Maybe I could meet him someday and we could play.” Leo whispers, hopefully looking up. 

“Yeah. Maybe someday.” Is all Simon says, nodding lightly as old, ugly memories pull at his brain, ones he’d shoved out and burned long ago. 

“I love you, Simon.” Leo whispers, hugging his little arms as tightly around the man as he can manage. He pulls Simon out of every dark thought he was having, those three little words pulling at his heart strings. Simon hesitates, voice stuttering for a moment. 

“Yeah– I love you too, little mate.” Simon whispers, voice heavy with emotion.

“This is gonna be so much fun– Mummy even helped me with my costume!” Leo adds, unintentionally changing the subject. He creates a perfect time for you to announce your presence. 

You hastily wipe your eyes and walk up the last step, rounding the corner you were just hiding behind. You catch Simon off guard, and he turns to you, slowly placing the young boy back on the ground.

“I didn’t hear you come up.” Simon whispers, taking the mug from your outstretched hands. He’s far away, lost in thought. Leo runs down the hall to grab his treat bag as Simon wraps his arm around your waist. 

“Didn’t want to spill your cuppa.” You explain, resting your head on his chest for a moment. Leo comes back around the corner with his bag, excitedly waiting for trick or treat to begin.

You smile up at Simon, noticing a few little tear tracks running down through his eye black.

ghost taglist: @moths569

[pathologicalreid]

Spencer ordering breakfast in and serving breakfast in bed on readers first day of spring break!!! He knows reader has been working so hard and it being hard on the bth people while he’s gone on longer cases :,) reader would def send a pic to Penelope and she’d show the others 🤭

breakfast in bed | S.R.

your boyfriend surprises you with breakfast in bed to celebrate spring break

who? spencer reid x fem!reader category: fluff content warnings: fluff! fun fluffy fluff!!!!!! word count: 1.2k a/n: thank you for requesting!! it's my first day of spring break, so i figured today would be the perfect day to post this!!

At the click of the front door, your eyes fluttered open. The bright light seeping through the blinds of your bedroom led you to start squinting as you felt around the other side of the bed for your boyfriend, disappointment filling your chest when you realized he wasn’t there.

Rolling on your back, you sighed and let gravity press you into the mattress, letting yourself enjoy the comfort of your covers before sitting up and reaching over to your nightstand. You used your water carafe to pour yourself a glass of water, sipping it while you allowed your mind and body to wake up.

A rustling in the kitchen got your attention, and it wasn’t long until the door to your bedroom swung open, showing your boyfriend on the other side of the opening. “Good morning,” his voice chimed at you, “I thought you were still asleep.”

You shook your head softly, setting your water glass back on the nightstand, “Just woke up. What’s going on?” Quickly, you analyzed the sight in front of you. Spencer was dressed casually, definitely not his usual work garb – strange for a Monday morning.

He padded over to you and presented you with a tray, he extended the legs of the tray and placed it over your lap. “It’s spring break,” Spencer said matter-of-factly, pushing his glasses up on his nose.

Furrowing your brows in confusion, you looked at him. “Yes,” you said warily, “it’s my spring break.” Spencer hadn’t had a spring break since he finished his bachelor’s in philosophy, and even then, he had been working for the bureau.

“I wanted to make it special,” he told you, disappearing back into the kitchen before returning with a drink carrier and an unlabeled white bag.

Your lips parted in surprise, “You went to Moe’s?’

He nodded enthusiastically. “It’s your favorite,” he explained simply, setting the drink carrier on your nightstand before distributing your coffee and juice to your tray.

You reached for the coffee first, swirling it slightly in the cup before responding, “It’s all the way across town.” That was part of the reason you rarely went, the last thing you wanted to do at first light was commute through the district.

Spencer hummed in response, leaning over to press a gentle kiss to your hairline, “You’re worth it.” He set the white bag on your tray before climbing up on the bed with you, sharing the tray. “You look pretty,” he observed, slightly out of left field.

Setting your coffee down, you cleared your throat, “I just woke up, Spence.” Gently, you reached for the white bag, opened the crinkly paper, and let the smell fill your senses.

“The time that you’ve been awake doesn’t alter how beautiful you are,” he informed you, watching as you filtered through the food in the bag. You grabbed your phone off of the charger and snapped a picture of your breakfast in bed, quickly sending it to Penelope before typing out a message about being spoiled.

Putting your phone away, you grinned, “Maybe you’re biased by the fact that I wore your shirt to sleep in.”

He beamed at you and nodded almost imperceptibly, “There’s also that.”

As the two of you ate, you checked the time as it got suspiciously late in the morning. Crumpling your napkin in your hand, you looked up at Spencer, “When do you have to go in?”

You knew that sometimes, after particularly rough cases, Agent Hotchner would tell the team they didn’t need to come in until a little later in the morning, but it was pushing ten in the morning now and you were curious. Spencer perked up a little at your question, “I have to be there at ten tomorrow for the debrief, but I’m yours until then.”

“You took the day off of work?” Silently, you tried to remember the last time Spencer had taken a day off by choice, but nothing came to mind.

He nodded eagerly, “I wanted to spend time with you, while you don’t have work or school.” He reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear before getting up and taking care of the mess.

When you weren’t at home or in school, you worked as a teaching assistant, so since classes weren’t in session, work wasn’t in session. “You didn’t have to do that,” you murmured, grabbing your coffee off of the tray before he could clear it.

Spencer smiled softly at you, leaning over, and pressing a chaste kiss to your cheek, “I missed you. We kept missing each other, I had to do something.” He slipped away to the kitchen, “I planned the whole day for us.”

A grin bloomed on your face, “You did?” You laughed lightly, “What are we doing today?”

Upon his return, Spencer paused in the opening, leaning on the painted wood of the doorframe. “We are going to go see the cherry blossoms, did you know I’ve never seen them?”

You cocked your head curiously, “You’ve lived in DC for eight years and you’ve never seen the cherry blossoms?” Really, you were surprised that you didn’t know that about him.

“Angel, I had to take the day off just to see you,” he reminded you, walking back to where you were perched on the bed. Tenderly, he cupped your cheeks in his hands, “Did you sleep alright? You looked tired last night.”

Nodding emphatically, you peered up at him, “Yeah, sleeping in felt nice.”

Spencer furrowed his eyebrows, “You’ve been working so hard lately, I want to make sure you’re remembering to take care of yourself. Especially since I’m not always here with you.”

You had to work hard, especially if you wanted to graduate early like you planned. “You’ve been gone a lot,” you concurred, “saving lives is a busy job.”

Carefully, Spencer sat down next to you on the bed, pushing the mattress down slightly under the weight of him. “I know it’s hard on you when I’m gone,” he whispered.

“I know it’s hard on you when you’re gone,” you echoed sympathetically. He had just been gone for two weeks, and when he came back, he didn’t have the energy to do anything other than rest his head on your shoulder while you worked on a term paper. When you finished for the night, he had fallen asleep like that. You didn’t have the heart to wake him up, so you both slept on the couch.

He hummed, dropping his hands to your waist, “I love you.”

Leaning up, you pressed a soft kiss to his lips, “I love you too, Spence.” You studied his golden irises, “So… cherry blossoms will take a few hours at most, what do you have planned for afterward?”

A sly grin spread on your boyfriend’s face, “It’s a secret. You’ll find out later.”

Confused, you watched as he turned around to the bathroom. Shaking your head, you reached for your phone to see that Penelope had responded.

Penny G: EEK Penny G: Morgan wants you to tell Spencer he was not aware of his game.

Rolling your eyes, you dropped your phone on the mattress and went to join your boyfriend in the shower.

[m0llygunn]

coco chanel (eddie munson x reader)

warnings: 18+! mature language, mature content a/n: sorry coco chanel for befouling your rule but it had to be done once i thought it wc: 1k

“Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.” “It is always better to be underdressed.” -Coco Chanel

Coco Chanel said that before you leave the house, you should look in the mirror and take one thing off. You like to follow the rule. It’s fun and you’ve never had any qualms about it before. It’s easily become a favourite part of your routine, finding the one thing you could do without. You love the idea of metaphorically tipping your hat to such an icon in the fashion industry. It's intrinsically rewarding, and an ode to how seriously you take your own sense of style. 

So yeah, normally you’re content to do it. It’s all in the name of the classic fashion icon herself. 

But not today. Today, you really like everything you have on. It took you forever to put together tonight’s attire, but you managed to assemble what you think is your best work yet.

“What’re you doing?” Eddie asks curiously, coming up behind you, fully dressed, shoes on, and keys in hand. Normally, you’re the first one ready, so this is a testament to how difficult your decision has been. 

Wrapping his arms around your waist, he looks at you with a raised brow, catching your gaze through the floor length mirror that you’ve been staring at yourself in for the last eternity as you’ve been perfecting your outfit, and even longer now that you’re trying to decide what you’re going to sacrifice to the fashion gods.

“I have to take one thing off.” You state, only catching his eye for a split second. 

“Why?” He laughs. Normally, it’s an easy process, one that happens quickly, and has stayed privy to Eddie for that very reason. 

“Because Coco Chanel said so.” You state. 

“Who?” He laughs again, catching your eye in the mirror. 

“Coco Chanel. Founder of Chanel? Fashion revolutionist?” You say, quirking a smile at his innocence of the fashion world despite him being one of the most fashion forward metalheads you know. He’s definitely not in the Coco Chanel genre of fashion, but his chains and rings are highly ranked in your personal tier of favourite looks. 

“Not a clue.” He says, returning your smile.

Looking back at your outfit, you huff an exasperated sigh. 

“She just had this stupid fashion rule that you should take one thing off before you leave the house. It’s to help with minimalism and not overdoing everything. She said it’s always better to be underdressed.” You finish, gently mocking her words purely out of your dwindling patience for yourself.

“Should I take something off?” He asks, jetting his chin out to rest it on your shoulder.

“No, you look good.” You answer, patting his cheek gently. It’s true, he always looks good. While he accessorizes heavily and puts clear effort into his image, you think he could wear a garbage bag and still pull it off. There’s just something about the way he carries himself that always has you applauding how good he looks— or maybe you’re just biased because you love him. 

“You look good.” He says, hands grabbing your hips. “Always look fucking good. It’s sinful.” He says lowly, turning his face just enough to press a kiss to your cheek.

Still perturbed by your issue, you turn in his grip slightly, checking your outfit from the side. A useless action, it’s not like some excessive article of clothing is going to just appear on your backside for you to take off— but then your eye catches on a nearly invisible wrinkle on your hip. A practically non-existent seam lying just under your form fitting dress.

Maybe.

You look at your jewelry one last time before making your decision.

“Seriously, should I be taking something off too? This seems important.” Eddie asks, eyes still planted on you as his grip remains firm on your hips. 

Fuck it.

You bend at the waist, sliding your fingers under the hem of your dress, grabbing at the thin layer of your underwear and pulling it down. Eddie’s keys drop to the floor in his excitement.

“Woah, woah— is this you telling me to take my pants off?” Eddie laughs, his hands pulling your dress up even higher, gathering it around your waist, putting your lower half on full display as he bends back, indulging himself in a heart-eyed glance at your ass. 

“I'm sure Coco Chanel didn’t include underwear on her list of things to take off but I don't care.” You huff, mostly annoyed with yourself for following her stupid rule in the first place. “This is the only thing I’m willing to sacrifice.” You say, looking up at Eddie through the mirror as you step out of the lace thong and pick it up from the floor. He recognizes your annoyance but is too busy ogling and feeling the freshly exposed parts of you. 

“Jesus Christ, I don’t know if I should hate Coco Chanel or love her.” Eddie breaths, hands rubbing up your bare hips as he presses his hips into your behind. 

“Seems like you love her if your dick pressing into my ass is any consolation.” You say, huffing a laugh as you watch his eyes trail over your body in the mirror. 

“Fuck, love you more though.” He mumbles, lips brushing against your neck as he presses himself even closer into you, making you feel just how much he loves you. 

“Sure. You would say that when you're hard.” You laugh, spinning to face him. 

You bring your hands to the hem of your dress, shimmying it down, and despite Eddie’s quickly blown out pupils and the desperation already seeping out of his gaze, he moves his hands to let you. 

“Wanna add something to your outfit.” You tease, dangling your underwear out in front of him. 

“Fuck yeah, I’ll take those.” He smiles, snatching them from you and quickly tucking them into his back pocket. 

continuation here

[graysnetwork]

Love, S. R. — Chapter 2

Warnings: Stalking, B&E, drinking

Simon Riley x Reader

Don’t read if stalking is an uncomfortable topic!!!

Months had gone by, you were still getting those anonymous messages and gifts. The gifts weren’t being given on holidays, they were small everyday gestures. Flowers, coffee, Amazon packages. It was getting harder to ignore your stalker when he was always trying to talk to you.

You told your friends about the stalker, one of them being in a relationship with a cop told you to go to the station. You laid out the entire situation and when they tried to find him they couldn't. They couldn't track down his IP address at all. That was weird.

Instead you decided to continue ignoring him, thinking that one day he’d get bored of talking to someone who wont reply. Oh how wrong you were.

Simon couldn’t get you out of his head, you infested his mind in the best possible way.

_______

Another day of living in constant fear, but tonight your friends were determined to give you one night of stress free partying. The plan was simple; they will pick you up, youll go to the club, drink a lot, dance, have fun, come home, sleep with no worries for the first time in months. It was the perfect plan.

Until you got out of the shower and started doing your hair. A pit in your stomach appeared as you heard the ding from your phone. You dreaded that noise every day now, knowing it would be another message from “unknown.”

Unknown: Going out, doll?

You peeked out of your window, staring out at the street below, checking for any men on the sidewalks, but nothing was out of the ordinary. Your neighborhood was quiet, peaceful—save for the fact that you were always being watched—but the people who lived in the other houses were normal.

You returned to your vanity, ignoring the message from him. Maybe it was biased to assume it was a man stalking you but your gut told you so.

Unknown: Ignoring me again?

Unknown: C’mon, sweets, just talk to me

Unknown: It’s getting annoying.

Unknown: Just reply, sweetheart

Unknown: I just wanna know if your going out

Unknown: I wanna keep you safe

Unknown: Answer me.

…

You: Leave me alone.

Unknown: You know I can't do that, sweetheart

You: Don’t call me that?

Unknown: Call you what? Sweetheart?

You: Yes

Unknown: Why not?

You: Its annoying, I don't know you, and you're creepy

Unknown: You wound me, my love

Unknown: You know me, I know you. I can call you whatever I like

You: how have you been watching me?

Unknown: Way to switch the topics, my love

You: How?

Unknown: You should close your curtains

You: fucking creep

You hit the block button again—to no avail.

He continues sending texts while you get ready, close your curtains, and lock up the door. You made your way to your friends’ car and whisk away the thoughts of your stalker.

Hours later you arrive home, the lock seems different but you don't think anything of it. You've had much more than enough to drink tonight.

You walk into your home, tossing your bag and keys on your couch. Huh, was that light on when you left? Again, you think nothing of it, you were dizzy, drunk, and so ready for bed. You make your way into your bedroom, the bed was made—not how you left it—you thought you’d left your entire wardrobe on it when you searched for an outfit earlier. You sit down, take your heels off and flop back against the bed, watching the ceiling spin until you force yourself up.

You did only the basics; change into pajamas, tie up hair, brush teeth, wash face.

You heard a thump, assuming it was the neighbors on the other side of the wall you continued washing your face without checking your room. You walk into the dimly lit room, the only source of light being the moon. You definitely closed those curtains, right? You rubbed your eyes, staring at the window, everything’s blurry. Finally, your eyes focus and you see him, a tall dark figure standing right by the window.

“I’m so drunk” you mumble to yourself, reaching out to shoo the apparition away. You get close before the figure's hand wraps around your wrist. “Not imagining things, love” a deep, gruff, British voice reassures you, he steps closer to you, the moonlight only helps you see a little more of him. Short hair, a stubble that covers the expanse of his jaw and above his lip, he wears a hoodie, jeans too—you think, you're not very sure of anything right now.

“Who are you?” you whisper. “Yours” he responds, taking a step closer and grabbing your waist. You giggle, you would laugh at anything right now, even a bad knock knock joke. “Seriously” you smiled at him as he guided you towards your bed, a small smile touches his lips but disappears when you don't comply and lay down. He’s annoyed you won't just lay back but he also loves the way you're staring at him; doe eyed.

“Simon, but don't tell anyone” he says, smiling at the giggles that leave your mouth. “Say my name, love” “simon?” you said softly. He could get used to this, listening to you like this every night, he should've done this much sooner.

“Do we know each other, Simon?” You ask, wondering how he got into your house, why he got in. “We’ve met. We’ve texted, remember? “Unknown” ring a bell?” “You're the stalker?” “Wouldn’t say “stalker,” love, more like a secret admirer, and you've seen me now so it's not secret anymore.”

You hum as he finally gets you to lay back on your mattress. “You comfy, love?” he asks, pulling the blankets over you. You hum again. He smiles and strokes your hair out of your face, pressing a gentle kiss on your forehead. “Drink some water” he whispers and holds the bottle for you as you drink from it. “Now, get some sleep, love” he whispers, kissing your temple, and stroking your hair with his fingers to coax you to sleep. It works perfectly, you're out like a light, in dreamland while Simon sits beside you and watches your sleepy, relaxed form.

“I love you,” he whispers, kissing your head throughout the night.

The last kiss is the most painful for him, he leaves an aspirin water bottle on your bedside table, he’s tempted to leave a note but he’s sure it’ll send you into a panic when you wake up later. He leaves your room, fixes the lock on your door since he broke it when he broke in last night. And finally, he leaves.

[ancha-aus]

RealAgeAU Drabble - The Twins

You guys ready?! I don't think you are :3 @spotaus

First Drabble Prev Drabble Next Drabble

Are you guys ready? For this drabble of 5000 words? <3

Get cozy. Because we are finally here <3 The long awaited meeting.

*----------------------*

Nightmare rubs his arm as he glances at his dads. None of them look happy about what is about to happen.

Dust notices him looking and relaxes his face “You ready?”

Nightmare frowns as he rubs his arm again. Checking his own outfit again. He is wearing his favourite pants. They are wide and have nice ribbons on the side and they are a soft pastel pink. It goes nicely with his bat hoody.

Nightmare shrugs before walking towards Dust’s side and relaxes a bit when he feels himself be picked up. Dust nuzzles the side of his skull “Ready?”

Nightmare feels a lot less sure and mutters “What if this is a bad idea?” He has no idea how Dream will react to him. What if this is a bad idea? What if Dream just looks at him and walks away? What if… what if nothing is different? What is Dream still hates him? Still attacks him? Even after everything?

Sure Dream now knew that Nightmare did what he had to do to fix the balance. But Nightmare doesn’t know if Dream even knows why Nightmare attacked the villagers. They fought so often and he never wanted to listen… Nightmare still isn’t sure if Dream will listen to him.

Sure… Dream knows the balance thing now. But that is probably just because some other god told him. Maybe Error and Ink… Not Nightmare… Dream didn’t listen to him and never wanted to listen to him. What would change now?

What if Dream only likes him now because he is small again? Now that he isn’t the… the evil that took his brother anymore? Would Dream even accept that past as a part of him? Would Dream just always hate a side of Nightmare?

Could Nightmare deal with that? Could he accept Dream hating a part of him just to have some love from his brother? Finally after so much time?

Dust pokes his cheek and Nightmare sees the worried look on his face “Nightlight?” and he gentle rubs away a tear from his cheek.

Oh.

Nightmare is quick to rub the other tears away and mutters “What if Dream still hates me?”

Dust frowns and rubs his skull before pulling the hood on “Then… he is an idiot.” Nightmare blinks and stares at Dust. Dust grins back “You are our tiny adorable babybones. Maybe I am biased but I am unsure how anyone could ever hate you.” and he gets another nuzzle.

Killer grins and gives him his own nuzzle “Oh we are very biased. Our little boss is perfect and can do no wrong.” Nightmare feels himself get embarrassed as he looks away.

Cross sighs as he pulls Killer back “Kills, you will get more goop on him and he just had his bath.” Cross carefully checks his face before nodding.

Killer wiggles his eyebrows at Cross “Bet you don’t mind getting some goop on your face.”

Cross looks very unimpressed at Killer before grabbing his hand and giving Killer a half bow as Cross kisses his knuckles. Cross looks up and winks at Killer “Maybe later when we are alone. If you behave.” Killer sputters and glows bright red.

Dust rolls his eyes “Not in front of Nightmare.” and he gets another nuzzle which Nightmare happily leans into.

Horror returns to their side and checks his outfit before nodding “Should be warm enough.”

Killer sighs “It is still warm out…”

Horror hums “Better be safe.”

“Mh. If you four were planning on being safe you wouldn’t even be meeting with Dream and Blue with him to begin with.”

Nightmare looks up excited “Error!”

Error has appeared in their kitchen and shoots him a tiny grin before glaring at the others “It is an unnecessary risk.” He crosses his arms.

Cross frowns “It is actually necessary. If we don’t do this meeting on our terms in another universe it is a matter of time before we are found here.”

Nightmare doesn’t like that. It would mean hiding all over again. He pushes close to Dust “I don’t want to move.”

Dust hums softly and nuzzles him “I know. We don’t want to move either.”

Nightmare nods and looks at his hands “Is this a bad idea?” He knows it is.

Dust hums “Not precisely… we are just worried.” He nuzzles him again “We don’t want to risk you. In any way.”

Nightmare sneaks a look but Dust looks honest. Dust keeps looking at him “Do you still want to do this?”. Nightmare just stares at Dust but Dust looks serious “I mean it. If you changed your mind and don’t want to do this. We will blow this whole thing off.”

Nightmare frowns and looks to the side “Won’t that cause trouble?”

Dust shrugs “Maybe but we can fix that.”

Error nods “I am already working on relocating this universe to other coordinates. Meaning you will soon be hidden again.”

Dust nods and nuzzles him “Nothing has to change. We don’t have to go. You don’t own them anything.” He just looks at him “You have already had to do too much Nightmare. It is fine to just put yourself first.”

Nightmare frowns as he thinks it over before looking back at Dust “I want to see him.” because even if he is afraid. Even if he knows Dream will just hate him. Even if he knows this will just hurt him. He wants to see Dream. He needs to know for sure. Know for sure where they stand.

Dust nods and looks at the others. Nightmare can see that Killer and Cross clearly are not happy. Horror looks worried and rubs his skull “If you want to leave. We leave. No questions asked.” Nightmare smiles and leans into the touch.

Horror smiles at him before shooting Killer, Cross and Error a look “We are going.” Cross grumbles unhappily but gets his knife ready to open the portal.

They walk through and into a forest. It is still warm out with only a light breeze. The leaves are all a beautiful range of yellows, oranges and reds and Nightmare just stares in awe. It is so pretty out here.

Cross and Killer quickly check the area before nodding. Horror looks at them amused “We are still ten minutes away from the meeting spot. Lets go.” he shoots Error a look “You coming?”

Error considers and shoots him a look before speaking “I will keep an eye out. In case stuff goes south I will quickly move you to another universe. Any preference as backup?”

Nightmare speaks without thinking “Ccino’s.”

Error needs a moment as he types before nodding “Easy enough. If anything goes wrong I will send you there. In the meantime I will work on the relocation.” And he steps into a glitchy portal and he is gone.

Sigh. Error is so cool. Nightmare will figure out how to hold his hand one of these days!

Horror joins Dust’s side and mumbles softly “Do you want any of us to hold him?”

Dust frowns as he looks at him for a long time. Clearly not wanting to let go of him. Before he sighs and looks at Cross “Cross? Can you hold him and stay out of sight?”

Cross smiles brightly and nods as he is by his side within seconds “I will make sure they can’t see him until you give me the signal.” Cross’s hold is different from Dust. Dust’s hold is always tight and so close. Cross’s hold is more gentle but still steady. Unmoving in the way he holds him.

Nightmare hums and leans against Cross.

Cross takes a deep breath and nothing seems to happen but Killer gives him the thumbs up “Invisible to see.” Dust looks less happy and shifts his sight around clearly searching.

Cross must see it too because he takes Dust’s hand and helps him find Nightmare’s. Dust immediately relaxes. Cross smiles brightly as he speaks cheerfully “At least with the walk we can do it like this.”

Dust looks thankful and mutters that he is.

They start walking and Nightmare enjoys the soft sunlight and warmth around him. He lets himself relax as he feels Cross’s soul nearby. Safe and sound.

They enter a clearance and Nightmare looks up only to freeze. That are Dream and Blue. He feels himself sink closer to Cross and Cross pulls him closer as well. Dust has sadly removed his hand but Nightmare is still close to one of his dads and that is enough.

Dream looks up eagerly and looks between those there. Then he frowns.

Blue frowns as well “Euh… where is Nightmare?”

Killer grins as he holds up a knife “Just making sure we got some ground rules first.”

Dream frowns as he gets up himself “We already discussed those. No one will learn of this meeting. This stays between us all. No aggression and no making any move to remove Nightmare from you.”

Nightmare just keeps leaning against Cross. Waiting.

Killer nods along “Yes exactly. Those are the rules we settled on. But you know. You never said what you would gain from speaking to Nightmare.” he grins and waits.

Dream blinks and looks down. Messing with his shirt “I just… I want to see him… say I am sorry…” he looks desperate “You want me to beg?! Because I will! Just… Tell me what you want!”

Killer looks at Dust and Dust shrugs. Horror turns slightly and nods into their general direction.

Cross nuzzles his skull and slowly becomes visible. Much to the obvious shock of Blue and Dream.

Dream looks confused at them and mutters “Why take your child along?” as he keeps looking around hopefully. Blue however stares at him and Nightmare stares back. Nightmare can see when it clicks for Blue.

Blue takes a sharp breath and takes a few steps back “Nightmare?”

Dream looks at Blue and sees where he is staring. And he stares at Nightmare. Nightmare can see that it just takes one look for Dream to realise who he is. Dream takes a sharp breath and is already four steps closer before he even mutters his name “Nighty?”

Killer stands between them and has his knife aimed at Dream’s throat “Don’t.”

Dust has his own blaster out and aimed at them and Horror just stands between them and the stars.

Blue holds up his hands “Okay… let’s calm down…” he pulls on Dream’s shoulder and makes him take a few steps back. Dream however just keeps staring at him “Easy Dream… Easy… deep breaths. Just take a moment.”

Dream however is shaking as he keeps staring at him. He glances at Nightmare’s dads between staring “How… How is he… Why is he? What did you four do?!”

Killer sputters and glares “We didn’t do shit-” Dust immediately hits his skull.

“Language.”

Killer grumbles but nods “Yeah yeah I know. Nightmare don’t copy that.”

Nightmare rolls his eyes but leans against Cross more as Cross snickers into his shoulder.

Killer rubs his own shoulder as he speaks “Again. We didn’t do anything. All we know is. That one day his apple and god related magic disappeared. And what was left was Nightmare in his full glory.” Killer stops and grins “Well. His true form at least.” He grins a Dream and the grin turned sharper “After all… The apple thing happened when he was six… You had time to grow up once you exited the stone didn’t you? When exactly was Nightmare supposed to grow up?”

Dream is breathing shallowly as he takes it in. His eyelights small and staring at him. Nightmare can’t look away.

Blue is the one who speaks “You mean… the whole time… Nightmare was actually…”

Dust speaks calmly “Six? Pretty much.”

Blue just stares ahead and laughs as he rubs his forehead “A six year old managed to outsmart most of the other gods and stay out of trouble for almost 500 years… what the hell.”

Dust and Killer both freeze and Nightmare huffs as he crosses his arms “Not exactly… I had more like… thinking space and stuff… I was better able to handle the magic and powers in that form…” he leans more against Cross “Not anymore.”

Cross coos and nuzzles him “Our little baby.”

Blue gives a slow nod, huh he is holding Dream’s hand and squeezing his hand to reassure him? Blue smiles “And now… the apple magic is gone?”

As soon as he says it Cross pulls him closer and takes three steps back. Dream makes a pained noise as he reaches for him “please… please don’t go…”

Everyone is still. Dream takes a shaking step closer “Nighty? Please… I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry I didn’t listen to you. I am sorry I didn’t hear you out before… When I first joined the multiverse. It was stupid of me to believe the words of those I just met over you. It was stupid of me to not even hear you out and I am sorry. I swear. I swear I have been working on fixing it. I made sure everyone knows it was my fault and that you helped them.”

Dream takes another step closer and Nightmare can hear all four of his dads growl at him.

Dream just continues talking “I am sorry… For way back too… I should have.. I should have stayed with you with the tree… I found a copy of our story… I know now… I swear. I swear I didn’t know. If I had known what they did I wouldn’t have left you! I swear!” he smiles.

Nightmare doesn’t know what to do. What to feel. It is… isn’t this what he wanted? Dream sees he is wrong. Dream is saying he would have been there for him if he had known… Then why does he still doubt it?

Nightmare frowns as he looks away from Dream and leans more against Cross again and speaks “You are just saying that because I am like this again…” there!

Dream shakes his skull “No! I swear it isn’t! I wanted to talk to you for this reason. To apologise!” he takes another few steps closer and Horror remains as a living wall between him and Cross and Nightmare. Dream stares desperate “I swear. I swear on my soul that I didn’t know and I was planning on saying all of this already.” He looks back at Blue.

Blue sees it and nods “It is true! He has been trying to find you for a year now. Well longer even! As soon as we found the storybook in Dreamtale. He has been wanting to talk to you. Before we even figured out the balance business! I swear and I promise this is the truth.”

Nightmare frowns as he stares at them both. Blue is a rather honest person… He looks at his dads for reference.

Cross sees him look and pulls him close as he mutters softly “I think he is being honest…” Cross did spend the most time with the Stars before he joined Nightmare…

He looks at Horror and Horror still seems calm. The fact Horror doesn’t have his weapon out yet says a lot about what he thinks about the situation. Killer and Dust still look unhappy but both of them are always unhappy when it comes to anyone being near him.

Dream rubs his hands and looks at them begging “Can I… Maybe… It would be amazing… And I get if you don’t want to but.” He takes a deep breath “Nighty… can I please hug you?”

Cross freezes and takes four steps back. A blink and a loud distressed noise leaves Dream as he looks around searching. Oh… Cross made them both invisible.

Dust growls as he stalks towards Dream. Lightning and electricity crackling loudly “You have some fucking nerve. After all the pain and problems you caused.”

Blue looks shocked as he mutters “Acolytes…”

Nightmare frowned. He isn’t sure what Blue means. They are just them…

Horror looks very unimpressed as Killer just laughs loudly “Really?! Still trying to steal him?! Like this?! You don’t even try to make it subtle.” And he shakes his skull.

Dream looks desperate “I am not trying to steal him! I just want to hug my twin!” he holds himself as tears leak from his optics “I miss him… I have missed him so much. All because I was too dumb and too blind to look at the facts. I just want to hold him. Hug him…” he looks at them begging “Just once. Please. Just… just tell me what you want!”

Killer huffs and looks unimpressed but Dust lets the electricity slowly shimmer down again.

Nightmare frowns before looking at Cross. Cross sees him look and looks panicked “You don’t need to.”

Nightmare rubs his arm and mutters softly “I want to.” Silence around them and yeah Nightmare figured everyone would hear.

Cross looks deeply unhappy but sighs before bringing their skulls together. Then he slowly walks over to Dream and Blue as Dream just looks so damn hopeful.

Killer steps between them “Yeah. We are putting in some insurance. Blue. Over there.” Blue blinks but nods as he walks to the side. Killer nods to Dust and Dust summons a loaded blaster aimed at Blue.

Blue freezes and looks a whole lot more nervous “euh….”

Killer grins “Insurance!” he grins widely at Dream “You make a single move to steal our babybones and your bestie will be turned into dust.” He winks cheeky “Understood?”

Dream looks horrified at Blue but so wishful at him “I… I… You can’t… Blue…”

Blue frowns as he looks up “You only shoot when he tries to leave with him right?”

Dust nods. Blue nods again and grins at Dream “It is fine Dream. Just stay with them and get your hug.”

Dream looks shocked but then so hopeful at him. Cross gets close and pulls him slightly away from him. Dream has his arms out and they shake lightly. Dream lets out a pained noise and Nightmare suddenly regrets giving that apple magic back to his cat version. Seeing as now the scars on his skull are very obvious.

One pass later and Dream is holding him. Dream just stares in shock at him “You looks exactly the same… except” tears leave his sockets and Dream just hugs him fully against him. Before he crumbles to the ground and Nightmare hears and feels Dream cry against him as he mutters stuff to him As he light as a feather strokes the scars on his skull.

“Nighty.”

“I missed you so much.”

“I am sorry.”

“I am so so so sorry.”

“I swear I will be better.”

“It is so good to see you.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you so much.”

“I love you.”

That is the one that makes him freeze and react “No you don’t.”

Silence and Dream pulls away from his hug to look at him. Not permitting him even an inch to move away. Nightmare just looks down “You don’t love me.” That he knows at least.

Dream shakes and shakes his skull “I do love you.”

Nightmare rolls his eye lights as he mutters “You only say that because I look like this… If I had still been an adult you would have still hated me.”

Dream shakes his skull and just holds him close “I always loved you. I swear. I know I haven’t been a good brother. I know I failed in everything that makes a brother a brother and I swear I will do better. But I always loved you Nightmare.”

Nightmare looks to the side “You tried to kill me.” He still has nightmares of Dream attacking him.

Dream sniffs and sobs “I know. And I am so sorry and I swear I thought it was the only thing I could do.” he pulls back and brings their foreheads softly together “It… it is okay.” he sobs but keeps speaking “It is okay… if you hate me… forever. I would… it would be deserved. For everything I did. But I need… I need you to know. I always loved you. I swear to you.”

Nightmare just stares at him. He isn’t sure what Dream sees on his face but it must be that Nightmare doesn’t believe him as he just keeps crying. Dream rolls up as far around him as he can and just sits there. Sobbing as he mutters more apologise and love declarations. Promises to be better and do everything in his power to prove it.

The hug… is very nice though. Nightmare is surprised by how nice the hug feels.

Most shocking is that his soul recognises Dream’s soulbeat. It is so much like his own but slightly off rhythm. But unlike with his dads. His soul doesn’t move to match it. They just beat together, slightly out of sync.

Dream seems to notice as well as he holds him closer and Nightmare can hear him try to do some of those breathing exercises to calm his soulbeat. Nightmare can feel how Dream’s soul starts to beat a slightly different speed but it doesn’t change much.

Dream sobs and laughs softly “Why… why don’t they match anymore? They… they should match. They always matched.”

Horror huffs “Because his soul has other bonds to count on now. Nightmare isn’t depended on you Dream. And he hasn’t for a long time.”

Dream freezes and looks up shocked. Dream’s eyes shoot between Nightmare’s dads before turning back to stare at him.

Nightmare isn’t sure what to say. He however makes eye contact with Killer and reaches a hand for him. Killer is by their side immediately and grins at Dream “Well time to return tiny boss to us!”

Dream shakes slightly and Nightmare feels his grip tighten on him but after just one more very close hug Dream clearly forces himself to let go of him. Nightmare is back in Killer’s arms within seconds and it feels nice to be near the other soul again. Nightmare immediately starts to relax and feels his soul start to follow Killer’s rhythm.

Killer coos and Nightmare feels him walk away a bit. By the time he actually takes a moment to open his sockets again he is already back by his dads and Blue and Dream are standing side by side.

Blue has this soft look on his face but Dream… Dream just stands there shaking and staring at him. His hands close to his chest and tears clearly in his sockets.

Nightmare frowns and turns to be close to Killer. Trying to hide. Killer notices and immediately hugs him closer and shifts his hold. Hiding him a bit. Nightmare relaxes as he feels a bit safer.

Dust hums and shrugs “Well. You saw him. Goodbye.” And he turns around.

Dream shouts “Wait!”

Dust glares at him but Dream doesn’t glare back. He just looks begging “Please… please… I can’t… please there has to be some way I can keep seeing Nighty?”

Dust raises a brow “And what exactly could you do for him?”

Dream flinches as he rubs his arms while hugging himself “I am his brother… his twin… We are gods I can… I know I can help him… I can take care of him… I actually got information from gods and know what is going on.” He smiles hopefully.

But Nightmare just feels cold. He doesn’t want to be away from his dads!

Dust just laughs before glaring “If you think for even a second any of us trust you with our babybones you are wrong.”

Dream blinks and glares “I am his brother.”

Dust laughs “And what a good brother you have been. What? Haven’t done enough target practise yet? Or did you already conveniently forget that you had been shooting arrows at Nightmare since the first moment you saw him after you woke up from the stone?”

Dream flinches and shakes his skull “Yes- I mean No! I know that but-”

Dust just walks closer. Electricity crackling “Okay. Then you forgot about the fact that you spread rumours and lies about Nightmare? How you assumed what he was doing and spread that misinformation around? Making his job much more difficult?”

Dream shakes his skull “I know! I told others I was wrong and have righted that wrong and-”

Dust grins sharply “Or better yet. At the very start. When you didn’t believe him when he told you those villagers hurt him. How your first instinct when you saw him after your mother died was to attack him.”

Dream flinches again.

“Dust enough!”

Dust blinks and looks over. Cross stands behind him and pulls on his arm. “Enough.”

Nightmare doesn’t get it. Why-

Oh…

He is shaking… and crying.

Dust sees it and slowly walks closer and rubs his cheek “sshh… shh… it is okay… none of that will ever happen again… we won’t let it.” Nightmare holds an arm out to Dust and Killer easily hands him over to Dust. Nightmare relaxes a bit. It is familiar and safe.

Killer sounds very calm as he speaks “You lost any right to take care of him or watch over him long ago Dream. The things you fixed? That were things that needed fixing. That was your job to fix as you ruined them to begin with. But just because you fixed your own mistakes doesn’t mean that we or Nightmare have to trust you.”

Dream looks to the side and Blue rubs his arm as he speaks “Dream just missed him. I know I know very rich coming from him but… even if it isn’t possible for Dream to take care of him and I get it. You guys have been through a lot.”

Dream looks ready to go against it but Blue just shakes his skull at him “You need time to actually process all of this as well Dream.” Blue turns back to them “But… wouldn’t it be nice for both of them to at least get the chance to see each other? To talk? To maybe slowly start to mend their broken bond?”

This time Nightmare can see all his dads exchange looks.

Blue smiles “Just… please just think about it… I know you wouldn’t do it or agree to it for Dream… But maybe it is nice for Nightmare? To give him the ability and chance to get this bond back?” Blue looks hesitant but keeps talking “I know a lot happened. And that will leave scars… But isn’t it better to at least be able to mend that bond a little? To at least feel safe near each other?”

Nightmare frowns as he pushes close to Dust. Dust nuzzles him.

Blue nods “It is a lot… and I get you need space…” he shoots Dream a look “You both need space. Time to think and consider. Which we will give.”

Dream looks up pained “Blue no! I searched for so long and-”

Blue smiles sadly at Dream “Dream I know. I know this hurts… And I know you want this so badly and you missed him. But you need to let him make his choice. You know he is safe. You know he is healthy.” And he looks at him “Isn’t that enough for now? Wasn’t that the whole goal?”

Dream looks lost before shooting him another look “Yeah… yeah it was… I am sorry… I just…”

Blue laughs and nudges their shoulders together “It is a lot. Your mind is going a mile per second and you are terrified of messing up again so you are trying to fix things right away. Take a moment Dream.” And Blue grins at them “We really are happy you guys are okay. Especially after everything came to light.”

Killer looks very mistrusting at them but gives a slow nod “Take a moment to process this.” He shoots them a look and Nightmare can see Killer stare at him for a moment. Then Killer sighs as he rubs his skull “Fucking hell.”

“Language.”

Most surprising. That came from five sources. Nightmare looks over and sees both Dream and Blue look disapproving at Killer.

Killer looks so unimpressed at them “Seriously?”

Blue shrugs “He is six… at least now…”

Killer sighs but nods “Anyway! We are going home… Take a moment to pull yourselves together and also don’t try to find where we live anymore. It is creepy… Also you don’t want to deal with the backstory we made up for us there.”

Blue looks curious “What is the backstory?”

Dust answers very unamused “Killer made it up. Nightmare is mine biologically and there was a bad ex.”

Horror looks highly amused “Which… you two caused quite the stir because well… There is no denying Dream and Nightmare look alike and red plus blue equals purple.” And he waits.

Blue and Dream look shocked.

Dust looks so done with everything “You still own me Killer.”

Killer grins and winks “Anything you want dear. Tonight fitting your schedule?”

Cross coughs “Anyway! We are going...”

Blue looks highly embarrassed “Thanks for the warning…”

Killer snorts “Not like it matters anymore. Error should be done with relocating the universe by now.”

Dream shoots upright “Error is doing what?!”

Killer grins and nods “Hiding us again to keep rude visitors out! Talking about Error. Hey dude ready to pull us out?”

A window in the sky opens and Error looks out unamused “Only emergency. Do it yourself.”

Dream however glares at Error “You knew?! You knew the whole time where he was?! That he was okay?!”

Error raises a brow at Dream “Obviously.”

Nightmare however is more focussed on Error “Error!” and he waves.

Error blinks and snorts but waves back “Nightmare.”

Nightmare beams.

Blue gasps “Oh that is adorable.” Dream however glares very angerly at Error.

Cross at this point cuts the universe fabric “Okay we are going. All through.” Dust goes first.

They appear back in their home and Nightmare pouts at Cross “Why did we leave? Error was there.”

Cross looks amused “Because you are still grounded so no hanging out with Error until the being grounded is done.”

Nightmare pouts but a yawn breaks through. Dust hums and nuzzles his skull “Nap time?”

Nightmare nods as he pushes closer to Dust. This is nice.

*----------------------*

First Drabble Prev Drabble Next Drabble

[katelynnwrites]

Girl Put Your Records On (Tell Me Your Favourite Song) | Sydney Lohmann

warnings: syd’s injury 😔

word count: 2077

summary: requested, domestic fluff with sydney

a/n: syd’s back! syd’s back! syd’s back!

It’s no secret that Sydney loves cooking. She has even said that if she wasn’t playing football professionally, she would be a chef.

And maybe you’re a little biased as her girlfriend and frequent beneficiary of her cooking but you are sure that she would have made an amazing one.

The German woman cooks a large variety of things and she is always down to experiment but her favourite is pasta.

Sydney’s homemade pasta is one of your favourite things to eat and you would even go so far as to call it your comfort food.

Your girlfriend makes the entire dish from scratch and you swear you can feel the love and care she puts into it.

The extent of your fondness for it and for any of Syd’s cooking really, is well known. There has been more than one occasion where your fellow Bayern teammates have teased you that you’re only with Sydney for her skills in the kitchen.

That couldn’t be further from the truth though.

You love everything about your girlfriend, from her every perfection down to her littlest flaw.

If it were up to you, you would say that a certain Sydney Matilda Lohmann is complete perfection.

There is so much you adore about her and that includes each moment that you spend with her.

Making pasta together with your girl is one of your favourite moments.

You and your girlfriend frequently have teammates over for meals. Sydney’s cooking tends to have that effect on people and while making pasta with friends is nice, you love making pasta with Syd much more.

When it is just you and her, the Bayern Munich midfielder putting her vintage record player on to as she put it, set the vibe.

Your girlfriend spins you around the kitchen when any of her favourite records come on and you’d ask her, her favourite song in between fits of laughter.

Sydney’s favourite song changes all the time based on how she’s been feeling so you like to ask her what it is. It gives you an idea of her current mood and state of mind.

Her hazel eyes are always bright when she answers you and you cherish all of her answers and the way she looks as she gives them.

More often than not, she has flour on her clothes and hair. She leaves streaks of it behind on you, a visible reminder of her hands on your body.

You love these smudges of white, left on your hips, shoulders and stomach, sometimes on your cheek if Sydney’s feeling mischievous enough to swipe her flour covered finger across your cheek.

It’s especially heartwarming after tough games and it goes like this.

Sydney makes her pasta dough and you hand her the ingredients in the right order, reading out the recipe from one of her cookbooks. Her scribbled handwriting in the margins of said cookbooks mark them as hers.

You continue leafing through the recipes, giggling at some of the notes and comments she has left while your girlfriend wraps the dough up before putting it to chill in the fridge.

The German woman then proceeds to make the sauce, tomato or cream based, depending on her mood.

She lets it simmer over the stove and it always smells so damn good. Syd stirs it and lets you taste test it as she cooks. The Bayern player feeds you those spoonfuls of little tastes with anxious smiles and hopeful looks, always waiting for your feedback.

You don’t know what she’s worried about because her pasta sauce is constantly amazing.

It gives you great joy to watch her face light up whenever you tell her so.

Sitting on the kitchen counter, most of the time in Syd’s clothes as you swing your legs back and forth, you fall even more head over heels in love with her.

You love watching her hum along to the song playing as she does little dance moves whenever inspiration strikes her.

Every now and then, she turns around to check on you and you have no shame in showing her just how captivated you are.

You’re starstruck because of her.

The way you look at her makes her blush and your girlfriend often ducks her head, looking back down at her pot of sauce to hide it. It really is cute of her.

When the sauce is done, Sydney washes her hands before pulling you off the kitchen counter. The German woman always takes the opportunity to kindly suggest that she can help pass the remaining time more quickly.

And you always take her up on it because who would say no to what she has in mind?

Making out with your girlfriend is like something out of a dream. With her lips on yours and whispered sighs, her hands skimming your bare skin, well you’re in love with the feeling and her.

The last minutes of chilling time for the pasta dough go by fast and then Sydney is waltzing you back into the kitchen.

You stand beside her, the only place you ever want to be, even if you are given the whole world to choose from and roll out the pasta dough with her.

The both of you take turns to run the pasta wheel over the rolled sheets and Syd never fails to make fun of you for how much neater hers turns out.

It is quick work after that, for the meal to be ready.

You set the plates out and your girlfriend finishes off her dish.

It is almost sacred to be able to curl up with the hazel eyed woman, with whatever show the two of you are binge watching playing on the television while you eat together.

Moments like that give you the much needed break from football. It’s lovely to be able to chase a dream you’ve had since you were a little girl but it’s also lovely for you to be able to spend time with your girlfriend.

Since Syd cooked, you pick up the plates and take them to the kitchen to wash.

It is everything to you, to be able to share this domestic bliss with Sydney.

******

Now that she is injured, things have to change.

Not by much but rather, a simple reversal of roles.

You make the pasta and let your girlfriend taste the sauce. The German player directs you from your usual perch atop the kitchen counter.

As much as she insists that she wants to help, you simply shake your head, giving her a firm no.

You just want her to rest her ankle.

The injury had been a devastating blow to your girl who had been so excited to start the season. Prior to the injury, her form had been brilliant and she’d just come off a solid win against Iceland.

Your girlfriend was just getting back the sparkle in her eyes every time she steps onto the pitch. It had been missing since Germany’s exit from the World Cup and now you feared it would be a while more before you saw it in its full beauty.

You hate how injury prone Sydney is, hate the way the world is so unkind to her. Her bad luck has it that she is always getting into a really good flow right before it is cut short. Fate is cruel sometimes.

There’s nothing you can do about that but you can make her dinner. It is the least you can do for the hazel eyed woman you are so in love with.

You’ve only finished simmering the pasta sauce and turned off the stove for a moment before Sydney is making grabby hands at you.

It’s tomato tonight because that is what the midfielder had been wanting.

You laugh at her gestures and scoop out a spoonful of sauce as she’d asked.

Carefully, you feed it to her but not before you make a show of blowing on it, to cool it down.

‘Good?’ You ask, taking a step back expectantly.

‘It’s really good.’ Your girl replies.

‘Yeah? Why do you sound so surprised?’ You tease.

‘I’m not! I-’ Sydney backtracks defensively, her eyes widening rapidly.

It’s adorable how easy it is to fluster her.

‘I’m just kidding sonnenschein.’ You admit and she scowls, crossing her arms and huffing, ‘I knew that.’

‘You sure?’ You mock and the taller woman deigns to reply you by dramatically rolling her eyes.

‘I’m sure. I am also sure that your tomato sauce isn’t as good as mine though.’

‘I know. Yours will always be better.’ You shrug easily, stepping back in between Syd’s legs and planting a gentle kiss onto her lips.

Your girlfriend chuckles and your heart lightens.

******

Eating dinner with the German player sitting next to you has your heart fluttering in all kinds of good ways.

You are never going to stop cherishing these moments with her.

Syd notices you staring at her and she blushes, mumbling, ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’

‘Because you are so incredibly beautiful and I love you.’

It is a simple, effortless confession but your girlfriend’s face lights up.

‘I love you too.’

She sets her plate down on the coffee table and smiles, ‘I fall more and more in love with you with each and every day that I spend with you.’

Sydney’s words give you the warmest of feelings inside and when she smoothly straddles you, despite the walking boot she has on, you know the feeling is mutual.

‘Syd…’ You groan, torn between wanting to make sure she is being cautious about her injury and wanting her to kiss you.

‘I’m being careful.’ She insists before leaning down to connect her lips to yours.

She tastes like tomato sauce and cheese but you don’t care because it’s Sydney.

Sydney who is the living definition of sunshine. Sydney who for reasons you can’t fathom is as in love with you as you are with her.

You have a lot of reasons to be thankful but your girlfriend is the biggest one.

******

It’s with kiss swollen lips and messy hair that you take yours and Syd’s dinner plates into the kitchen.

Your girlfriend trails behind you with her crutches, her lips and hair in a similar state.

There is no mistaking the satisfied smirk on her face though.

‘Here.’ You breathe, lifting her up onto the kitchen counter after depositing both your plates into the sink. Her crutches are propped next to her.

Sydney wiggles comically as she gets comfortable and you giggle.

You put her record player on and start on the dirty dishes.

‘Let me help please?’ The hazel eyed woman implores.

You’re going to refuse and assure her that you manage but remember how helpless the rehab has been making her feel despite her best attempts to hide it.

Ever selfless, you know that Syd would never do anything she deems might harm the team dynamic, even if it really wouldn’t.

You want to spoil her but know that that is not what she needs right now.

So as a compromise, you offer her a dish towel and ask, ‘You can dry if you like?’

The Bayern midfielder gratefully takes the towel from you. She knows you know and the soft look of adoration in her gorgeous hazel eyes makes you melt.

It’s quick work, made enjoyable by the music playing and Syd’s humming along.

******

Normally you brush your teeth together and your girl links her little finger with yours but now you support her with an arm gently wrapped around her waist.

Syd has taken her walking boot off for the night so she needs to be careful not to put any sort of weight on her injured ankle.

Before she’d taken it off though, she had affectionately touched the yellow smiley face sticker you had put on it.

She hopes you know how much you and all your little gestures mean to her.

Her injury is hurting her but you make it all bearable.

So she leans into you and soaks in your touch, giggling through the toothpaste foam in her mouth.

Your gaze meets hers and you know that you want this to last the rest of your life.

With the way Syd whispers about how much she loves you as she settles down to sleep with her head on your chest, you know in your heart that she wants the same.

German Translation:

sonnenschein - sunshine

[thelargefrye]

🌷 SMALLS’ FIC RECOMMENDATION LIST.

i've seen a lot of fic rec lists circulating in the community recently and so i felt like i should also make one to support fellow writers who i think really deserve that extra love and attention.

so this is also an appreciation post because i have quite a few things to say. these are mainly writers that i enjoy reading and think need a lot more love and attention because let's be honest, they have amazing ideas and people are just sleeping on them.

so, i'll just jump right into it! make sure to send these writers love and reblog their works!!!

my best friend and person i share a braincell with : @sanjoongie

check out her master list.

like you want to talk about talent? topaz is the one who breathes talent and ideas that literally no one else is coming up with. like if i had to read only one person for the rest of my life, it would be topaz because her writing is just amazing. her moodboards that she makes for her works, perfect. everything topaz does when it comes to writing is amazing, and i'm so glad that she's my best friend and braincell.

and not only that, but topaz is just nice to be talk to! like she makes you want to repeatedly talk to her and she is so good at helping flesh out my own ideas. i wouldn't have written half the things i did last year if it wasn't for her.

anyways, i'm so grateful and proud to call topaz my braincell because she's so amazing, talented, and nice. it breaks my heart that more people don't talk about HER. like you want to read something different and so well written then you need to read literally ANY work topaz has written.

topaz, my lovely braincell, thank you for putting up with me and my shit 24/7. if it wasn't for you i probably wouldn't have gotten out of my writer's block. and just now that i love you and thank you for being an amazing friend and writer.

and if you've gotten this far, i'll just straight up tell you that this is topaz appreciation post. so now i'll link some of my favorite works by her and tell you why i love them:

twilight academy ( all parts ) ( rated : mature )

wizard professor!seonghwa x wizard professor!f!reader ft. ateez

this currently has four parts and is still ongoing and is literally SO good. like who else is writing about a professor au WHERE THEY ARE ALL WIZARDS. and not to mention the worldbuilding and history that is all mentioned and talked about. its so so so good and the smut in it is absolutely to die for. and the chemistry between seonghwa and mc is so good, i love when they go back and forth.

breed ( part one ) ( rated : mature )

ateez x f!reader ( most of the members are aliens with san and another member being human )

now THIS is an alien au done right and different and basically sum it up with one sentence its "alien!teez doing sexual experiments" (from @/morethingsfandom). like its just so good and the SMUT! THE SMUT IS WHY WE ARE HERE PEOPLE!! THIS IS WHAT SCI-FI SMUT IS ABOUT!!! like this is honestly pure pwp and a nice switch up if maybe twilight academy isn't your thing.

see? topaz does everything!

dragon oracle ( here ) ( rated : mature )

dragon!ateez x dragon!f!reader ( based off of my own dragon au )

THIS!! in my opinion is one of topaz's best works (i may be biased lol) and def my favorite from all time. topaz took my au and did her own spin on it and made it her own. she cared about the source material, asked questions, let me ramble, and then boom! a masterpiece was made. if you like my dragon au, then i highly, HIGHLY recommend you read this. and if you've already read... then read it again.

i wish it was me ( here ) ( rated : 18+ )

water bender!san x avatar!hongjoong x water bender!f!reader x water tribe warrior!yunho ( implied ot8 )

again another fic that is based off of mine but literally made it her own because topaz is just that talented. a "what-if" au for my alta series where mc is a water bender and with san and yunho. absolutely amazing and does so well with writing all the characters and their dynamics. a def read if you love atla!

sweet sorrow of evil ( master list ) ( rated : mature )

ateez x evil queen!f!reader ( members have different roles within the story )

this is a collab story between topaz and me and i couldn't make this post and NOT include this series that we are working on together. this really just shows what two authors can make when they come together. we co-wrote the prologue and are currently writing the first chapter. this world is our baby and i love and it has the both of us in a chokehold, i'm so proud of the world me and here built and i want everyone to see it.

and honestly, that's just the tip of the iceberg cause topaz has SO MANY more but these are just the ones that i always think about. like, i really suggest you all check out topaz's works. i have more of her fics on my fic rec blog (@comicsan) so if you want to see more of her and other fics that i have enjoyed then i would check that blog out.

please go show my bestie support, it would mean the world to me!

thank you 🩷

[toxicanonymity]

Hey sorry to bother i adore your work! I was wondering if you could do another creepy Joel where he is watching her through the window but she's hooking up with someone (they could just be kissing whatever you want!) Thank you💗

date next door

1.2k / pervy!Joel x fem!Reader / master

conclusion to part one: window (peeping tom)

Tonight, you brought that guy home just for Joel's sake. You and Joel have a date, he just doesn't know it yet. You’re in the mood now, not because of the guy that just left, but because you know Joel’s been watching, and you know what you're going to do. 

CW: perverted, creepy peeping tom Joel, voyeurism, masturbation, unsafe P in V sex, breeding. previous: I8 +mdni.

Joel has gone full pervert after finding out what a beauty lives across the lawn.   He used a pair of pliers to carefully put a kink in one of the blinds, creating the perfect little viewfinder.  He has a chair set up sideways against the window so his eyes can be as close as possible.  He even dug Tommy's old military binoculars out of a closet.  He's making a mental map of every mark on your body.  He can practically feel your smooth skin under his rough fingertips. He knows what kind of lotion you use and has his own bottle of it right there at the window.

You have company tonight.  A gentleman caller, no less.  When Joel checks to see if you’re home, you’re facing the window and your dare is taking your jacket off your shoulders.  The sight of your jacket coming off turns Joel on.  He rubs his arousal over his pants and waits to see what happens.  You don’t close the window.  Joel settles in and unzips his pants as your date rests the jacket on the back of a chair, then kisses your neck.  Joel can hardly stand seeing the man’s hands on you, but there’s a new development - you’re not wearing a bra. 

Joel imagines what it would be like to stand behind you, the smell of your lotion,  the soft peach fuzz on the nape of your neck prickling with his touch as he wraps his hands around you and ghosts your nipples until they’re fully erect before he cups your breasts.  You sit down on your bed with your date, and you kiss.  Joel’s biased, but he doesn’t think you look comfortable.  He imagines your date getting rough with you.  Joel would be right over to save you.  He would tear the guy off you, deck him in the face, punch him a few more times while he’s down, then put him in the corner and make him watch.  Joel would comfort you, make sure you’re alright, then in the heat of the moment, you’d passionately kiss him, and he’d take you right there in front of that loser. 

Joel’s breath quickens as he strokes himself desperately and watches you kiss this loser, imagining what it’d be like fucking you right there on that bed.  You’d urgently pull down his pants, hungry, desperate for his cock.  You’d try to suck him off but he’d only let you for a few seconds.  With his hand between your legs, he’d be overcome by a need to be inside you ASAP.  Your pussy would be so wet and juicy for him and you’d sigh his name as he ran his fingers through your folds.   

Joel closes his eyes imagining it and when he opens them again, he’s shaken from his filthy thoughts when the man stands up.  You’re making him leave, to Joel's delight.   You disappear from your room, then a car starts and drives away.  Joel patiently waits for you to return to your room alone. Hopefully you'll get undressed, maybe even touch yourself. But you don’t come back. 

Joel’s doorbell does, however, ring. He zips up in a hurry.   

-

You want something from Joel, and you're here to take it. When he opens the door, you’re there, no jacket, no bra.  You look him up and down.  You know what he’s been  up to.  You’ve seen the kink in his blinds. You’ve seen the blinds sway when you’re naked.  You’ve seen the light come on when you’re getting dressed and turn off when your light turns off.  And you haven’t done anything about it other than put on a little show and start tracking your cycle more closely. 

You know Joel is hot.  You see him outside, you exchange pleasantries.  So, sometimes, when you're in your room, you bend over with your ass facing the window.  You wear your cutest thongs and boyshorts when you know he’s home. It turns you on knowing he’s watching. 

-

Tonight, you brought that guy home just for Joel's sake. You and Joel have a date, he just doesn't know it yet. You’re in the mood now, not because of the guy that just left, but because you know Joel’s been watching, and you know what you're going to do.  Tonight's the night. When Joel answers the door, you glance to his pants, and the tent you see is all the confirmation you need. 

Without a word, you let yourself in.  Joel closes the door behind you and stands there, frozen.  You grab the hard bulge in his tight jeans and bring your face an inch from his.  

“Do it,” you tell him.  Then you softly brush his lips with yours, and he latches on for dear life, both his hands holding your head.  He moans softly as his tongue claims your mouth, and you grab his swollen package which swells harder into your hand.  When he breaks for air, his eyes are darker. 

He reaches under your dress and his hand plunges into your panties.  He sighs “Ohhh, fuck,” as he feels how wet you are. “Fuck, you’re hot,” he breathes, then walks you into the living room and pushes you down on the couch. You make yourself comfortable lengthwise on the couch, face up. He unbuttons his jeans as he gets between your legs.  He pauses to slide your panties off and pockets them for later, just as he imagined the first time. Then hepulls down his jeans and boxers. 

“Jesus Christ you’re even hotter than I thought,” he says.  He marvels at your face, your body, your whole presence overwhelms him with arousal.  

“Do something about it,” you say.  

He takes out his stiff, aching member and your involuntary reaction is,  “Mmmm.”  The sight of it makes you weak with need.  He drags it through your wet folds and sighs.  He closes his eyes like he’s trying not to come instantly.  Then he notches his tip at your entrance and you wrap your legs around him, pulling him into you.  And he plunges to the hilt with a shudder.  You moan and he groans as he begins to slowly fuck you.  His mouth falls open. “Fuck, you feel good,” he whispers, “So fucking good.”  He buries himself inside you gently.  He opens his eyes and looks like he can hardly believe he’s inside you.  

“Harder, Joel.” 

“I ca-”

“I don’t care how fast you come.  You can come right now. Fuck me harder.” 

He hesitates for a moment, then slams into you even harder than you expect.  His face darkens as he begins to pound you.  He grunts and pants and your spine arches.  Your hips buck into his and he leans in close, grinding his pelvis into your clit as he flexes his ass with unfathomable power managing to pound you and rub your clit just right at the same time.  It only takes a minute for you to see stars.  Your mouth forms an O and he covers it with his as you reach your peak. 

You pry your mouth away with a groan and moan his name.  The sound of it makes him explode inside you.  “Fuck,” he whispers and starts to try to pull out, but your legs tighten around him and you lift yourself closer, sinking his cock deeper as his seed spills into you.  “It’s okay,” you tell him, and keep your legs wrapped around him, tilting your hips up so it doesn't seep out.

-

Thank you so much for reading and for your reblogs and comments. 🖤🖤🖤 I love you guys!!!

-

All joel: @ethanhoewke @silkiers @eiviea @evyiione @xdaddysprincessxx @queerly-anxious @chernayawidow @ambassadortotrilliusprime @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @jasminespringtime @romanarose  @fandomsfallnomore @djarinxore @lokanda @blackvelveteen1339   @manazo @wolvesandvampires  @taeslarityy @str84pedro @kyloispunk @filthfairy @fieryglutenfreechickennoodles @harriedandharassed @moonlightdivine @worhols @fan-fiction-floozy

[starryeyedcas]

Every Destiel Fic I’ve Ever Read [WIP]

Let’s do it! I took this list directly from my twitter

I’m not really going to post my ratings and stuff and I’m not going to copy what I said verbatim because as I grow older my opinions always change and every fic deserves love regardless of what some stranger on the internet thinks! Check these out if you need something new to read :)

Also, side note: A lot of the fics I tend to read are either non-canon or pre S10. If your looking for canon type, recent fics this will not be a list for you and I apologize :(

Also pt. 2: Some of the fics that I have listed on my twitter are no longer available so I have decided to not list them here. It’s very sad because there were some really good ones! Regardless, I’m still trying to keep this list as up to date as I possibly can when it comes to my reading ventures. Either way, I hope you enjoy these fics as much as I do <3

1. NINETY ONE WHISKEY

By komodobits, 401,193 words (not counting other fics in the series)

Please, please, please! Read this if you haven’t yet!! It’s a slow burn, World War II based fic and it’s my absolute favorite fic of all time. In fact I think it may be my favorite story of all time!! I come back to this fic always. If I’m sad, I read it. If I’m happy, I read it. I’ve read it probably 4 or 5 times at this point and it always holds up. I will say though, IT WILL MAKE YOU CRY. Dean and Cas are written VERY well, in fact every character in this fic are written to perfection. You find yourself growing attachments to side characters that you may have even forgotten existed in the show. I seriously cannot recommend this one enough. You will not regret it.

2. A BRIEF GLIMPSE

By cloudyjenn, 12,356 words

I’ll be honest, this one is special for me. This was the very first Destiel fic I ever read back in 2014. That being said, I may be a little biased towards it but I do genuinely think that it’s very cute. It’s a Slice-of-Life esque story with light supernatural happenings; where Castiel is in high school and has a very big crush on his best friend, Sam Winchester. Things start to go awry when Sam invites Cas to a carnival. I won’t spoil too much though! If you want a quick read with some fluff, definitely read this one.

3. SMELLS LIKE ROSES

By unknown :(, 53,828 words

Uhoh! A Djinn fic! I remember this one just hurting me so much. Dean is living his dream life. Everything around him is perfect and he’s mysteriously very happy. When you get to the end of this fic, holy cow the heartbreak. It’s written very well, you obviously can’t go wrong with a fic that slightly follows canon. I really like this one and I might reread it again soon but I cannot stress enough how much it hurts! Stay safe out there.

4. NOT ALL THE WAY THROUGH

By Tracy, around 4,700 words

Shorter fic based around s5 episodes 3 and 4. This one is good but it’s also very painful. I think I like fics that hurt me lol. There are some warnings I want to state! This fic features substance abuse, non con, mentions of torture and A CHARACTER DEATH so please be careful! This is told through Castiel’s perspective and all the summary says is “Castiel’s new life begins and ends with Dean.” So I will leave it at that. (Also as a side note whenever I think of this fic I think of the song ‘And So it Goes’ by Billy Joel. Listen to that while reading and you are sure to shed some tears. Stay safe friends xx)

5. PAINTED ANGELS

By WinnJennster, 105,637 words

This one used to be really popular, so it’s likely many of you have already read it. Either way I will still recommend it. It’s a nice little “reunited” type fic in which Cas is an author and Dean is a painter. I will say, however, that the angst in this fic is HEAVY. Personally, I’m not huge into giant angsty fics like this, or maybe the type of angst portrayed in this one. I just remember feeling a little frustrated by it. YET, this fic has a lot of good memorable moments with some fluff sprinkled throughout. If you love angst, this is the fic for you. WARNING though, you need an AO3 account to read this fic. If you’re not already logged in, you’re out of luck.

6. TWIST AND SHOUT

By Gabriel and standbyme, 97,556 words

Who are we kidding?? Everyone on this website KNOWS this fic. You all could probably recount it backwards, forwards, sideways, upside down. Who knows. All we know is that this fic is a capital S-A-D. When I was in high school, I LOVED this fic. I adored it, no matter how much it made me cry. Because YES there is a MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH. And NO it’s not FUN. Can I be honest? After rereading it, I feel as if Cas and Dean are out of character! Doesn’t mean it’s a bad story, absolutely not. It’s beautiful! I think it’s wonderful and obviously I recommend it. But you could change the names of the boys and you wouldn’t even know its based off two characters from Supernatural. This is my hill and I will gladly die on it. Read it if you dare, but remember to beware OOooOOoooOo (another side note: I had to go to the fic to get the link for this post and I swear to God my eyes watered when I read that first sentence. I HATE and I LOVE this fic all at the same time.)

7. SMOKE IN THE MIRROR

By letters_of_stars, 52,327 words

Oh shoot! Dean is an artist and he needs a nude model!! Who do you think is gonna take the bait?!?! In all seriousness though, I really adore this one. YES Castiel is nude and YES Dean is painting him but if you’re expecting smut right from the get go you are mistaken! I wanna say this is another slow burn?? But it has also been a while since I’ve read it. I just remember liking this one a lot. In my original rating, I gave it a 5/5 so that’s gotta mean something. Another little slice of life with a lot of good moments. Check it out!

8. A HOME BENEATH THE STARS

By CheshireMoon, 71,240 words

Hi, it’s me again. The girl who likes fics that rip her heart to SHREDS. I’m gonna be about as vague as can about this one because boy did that ending catch me off guard when I first read it. So Dean is homeless, right? And Cas is a kind hearted, Good Samaritan, astronomer. When the two meet Dean’s life changes… for the better… I’m gonna leave it at that. You could be ignorant like me and skip over the warnings to this fic and just leave it to good will and faith that this fic will leave you happy and giggly. Or you could do yourself a favor and know what’s coming but not know when it happens. Either way, I still recommend this one. I really like it, just make sure you have a fluff fest fic waiting for you on the other side.

9. THE FACE OF HEAVEN

By orange_crushed, 9,772 words

This one is short and so so sweet. Another type of slice-of-life where Dean is just a gay bartender living his best gay bartending life when he suddenly comes across a fallen star whose name is Castiel. It’s very unique and I love it so much. In my original opinion of this fic I said I didn’t like the formatting? And I think what I meant to say is, I don’t like reading long paragraphs but the formatting to this fic is perfectly fine lol. Still a fun little read and it’s pretty fluffy!

10. SO MUCH TANGLED THREAD

By imogenbynight, 37,428 words

Holy crap! Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES. It’s like, Ninety One Whiskey almost, except there’s time travel, and supernatural happenings, and OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS FIC. It’s ends pretty quick but it’s still so so so good. Please read it, show it some love. I think about this one from time to time and I still smile. Much like with Painted Angels, you need an account to read this one. So make sure you’re logged in! If you don’t have an account you best get that invitation fr.

11. DIAMOND STAR HALO

By had, 4,924 words

Just pure fluff told from Sam Winchester’s perspective. I kind of have a soft spot for fics told from a third party perspective because it’s like they’re seeing Dean and Cas how WE see Dean and Cas and it makes me all giddy, I dunno. This is a good short read and you should definitely read it after reading something really sad and heart wrenching!

12. CINDERWINGS

By bendingsignpost, 181,619 words

STOP!! I love this fic!! It’s a Cinderella type story, there’s a masquerade ball, Dean is a PRINCE. Very fantasy with supernatural elements. It’s WONDERFUL. The way the author writes about the world through Castiel’s perspective is super entertaining and funny and I love the misunderstandings that happen within the story. If you love fantasy and monarchy and magic and parties, this is definitely a fic for you.

13. ONE WHITE LIE

By komodobits, 11.179 words

I can’t lie, komodobits is my favorite fic author and so I am a little biased towards their stories. This one is no exception. It’s hilarious, lighthearted, and fluffy. The range that this author has with their fics amazes and horrifies me. How can one person have that much talent? I have no idea. This is just a komodobits appreciation post, you got me. Anywho, Castiel tells a small lie to the Winchester brothers and they mess with him. Not based in canon, a very slice-of-life fic. I love it, please check it out.

14. FORGET-ME-NOT BLUES

By noangelsinthegarrison, 68,689 words

Ahhh I remember this one. Another slice-of-life, have you noticed a pattern? Sam and Jess are getting married! Woohoo! Of course Dean is in the wedding but so is Castiel, someone Dean has history with……….. Basically there’s misunderstandings and mutual pining and it’s fun. It’s got all sorts of romcom elements with just a dash of angst!

15. MUSCLE MEMORY

By komodobits, 18,961 words

Give me a story that’s loosely based off of 50 First Dates and written by my favorite fic author and suddenly I’m in Heaven. I’m a really big fan of movie AU’s, especially well written and this one is no exception. It’s kind of sad though, but if you’ve seen 50 First Dates then you should expect that. Even if you aren’t a fan of movie AU’s, I would still suggest giving this one a read.

16. KIND OF A FOREVER DEAL

By komodobits, 111,460 words

STOP LOOKING AT ME. YOU THINK IM PUTTING TOO MANY FICS BY THE SAME AUTHOR HERE? WELL YOU LISTEN TO ME PAL, THIS WON’T BE THE LAST ONE EITHER!! Ahem, this fic is awesome and sort of a fan favorite already!! Slice-of-life, teenaged angst, summer camp, LoVe, it’s amazing! The way that the author wrote the friendship between Dean, Cas, Jo, and Victor has me in tears. Very wholesome and heart wrenching, highly recommend!

17. IMPERFECT PROPOSALS

By Fallen_Angel_Meg, 111,082 words

Another movie AU! This is loosely based off The Proposal and filled with fluff! You really don’t see a whole lot of crossover fics that are long like this one, but it’s fun to read and you’ll probably fly through it just like I did. Do you like The Proposal? No? Read it anyways xx

18. CHECKED OUT

By whelvenwinge, 27,127 words

Okay this one, is really good. Like really good. It comes complete with original artwork and fantastic storytelling. Castiel is a librarian and he really despises Dean Winchester, an acclaimed author. It’s sooooo good, I cannot stress enough how much I think you should read this. And you’ll get really pretty pictures to look at! The ending is great, the beginning is great, it’s just wonderful. So what are you waiting for? Run along now and read it!

19. SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS

By habitatfordeanwinchester, 2,593

This one is just cute. It’s short and fluffy. Imagine Castiel working at a Chipotle and getting special instructions on a mobile order. Can you guess who they’re from? If you’re sad and need a pick me up, just read this one. It’s so cute!

20. C-S-T-L

By komodobits, 90,377

It has been a really long time since I read this one. But I know that I loved every second of it and I was crying during the majority of it. Either because I had just got done reading 91w or because the story itself made me emotional. Either way it’s a fantastic read! Castiel is an android and Dean is tasked with adding him to their army for the WAR. This fic has wonderful world building, really in-depth character exploration, and the ANGST. I’m probably going to read this one again sometime soon~ JOIN MEEEEE

[forcebook]

Hello there, do you mind sharing your favorite bls of 2024? Thanks!

hi! honestly i suck at keeping track of shows and ranking them asdfghjkl i want to keep better track next year tho and maybe even make some celebratory gifsets but we shall see!

and since you asked for it, i decided to check mdl and do a deep dive on which shows have aged well in my mind and score lmao

my top rated dramas of 2024 are:

love for love’s sake

my only 5 stars drama of the year. doesn’t surprise me at all. this show took me completely my storm at the beginning of the year. it has such a compelling story and it’s so efficient on so many levels. but most importantly, it sticks the landing. it gives closure to a story that wasn’t even finished. and it does so well. the definition of lightning in a bottle!

love in the big city

this show made me feel emotions unknown to humanity so i get my rating asdfghjkl felt really personal to me. it is also incredibly efficient and very necessary!

knock knock boys!

i said it halfway through its run and i’ll say it again: one of the best bls of 2024. no wonder i rated it this high asdfghjkl within its premise it promised very little and delivered soooo much with some incredible takes. while i love when bls do new things, to me a story told well is fantastic regardless of how cliché it might be to some. and knock knock boys manages to feel very familiar but also very refreshing with the way it handled some topics. super funny and it stuck the landing to me. in a completely different way from love for love’s sake but very satisfying!

jack & joker: u steal my heart!

this is the thai bl of the year to me. for all the conversations it started, interesting characters, refreshing plot and also for existing purely on the love and dedication of its creators. while it is not perfect, i do hope that when we look back on 2024, we see it as the year of jack and joker

century of love

i’ve loved daouoffroad since love in translation. i was a bit skeptical of century of love at first but i ended up loving it a lot. i’m also not surprised at all this made my top 5 asdfghjkl

now i would like to add a few shows that haven’t finished airing yet but had most of their run in 2024 and i’m pretty sure they’re going to be in top rated dramas

miseinen (our youth)

it is the japanese bl of the year to me. hands down. i could rant but at the same time i have no words asdfghjkl this show goes beyond efficiency or even sticking the landing (which i hope they do), but it’s the whole vibe. because while incredibly sad, you can see how much love and care exists in it. the characters are so alive and so complex and beautiful and godddd i love them. 10/10 no notes

see your love

came out of nowhere promising very little and delivered one of the best bls of 2024 imo. i don’t even remember when was the last time i felt compelled to gif a taiwanese bl but this show is sooo inspiring and fun and important. i just love it

caged again

this show promised nothing except wacky plot and delivered such a hilarious and compelling and heartfelt story. i love when i get these little surprises. shall live on in my heart

honorable mentions:

let's eat together, aki and haru 2: more please!

my only other 5 stars of the year. but it’s a movie so i didn’t include it up there. still. it’s a nearly flawless execution of a beautiful genre that i love: queer stories revolving around food and domesticity. it delivered exactly what it promised efficiently and i loooooove it so much!!!!!

sugar dog life

also came out of nowhere promising nothing and delivered a really solid little story, also revolving around food and domesticity. can you tell i’m biased lmao

the rebound

BALL IS LIFE!!!!!! we need more bls about sports. asap. we don’t have enough!!!! and this show was a surprise to me. i ended up super invested for the most part and i do think it stands out in the tiny little corner of bl sports therefore it deserves an honorable mention

blue canvas of youthful days

chinese bls always have a special place in my heart for fighting so hard to exist. this one is no exception. it got taken down when it first started airing and i’m glad they managed to release all of it eventually. it’s far from being perfect but i was still thoroughly invested in it. i love the main couple with my entire heart. and i’m soooooo grateful they got their happy ending!!

monster next door

as a deeply introverted person, this is the representation i needed asdfghjkl it felt refreshing and a conversation worth having about respecting introverts and other people’s ways of living. plus diew is autistic to me (source: i’m autistic) and it was an overall good show!!! bigpark my beloveds!!

and that’s it! thank you for asking 💕

[perictione00]

Selfish

Ch 2: Confession

Pairing: Geto Suguru x reader

Warnings: MDNI, smut, fluff, pining, teenage angst.

Synopsis: You left the Jujutsu World behind the moment the source of your warmth turned cold. So what happens when you come face to face with that one episode in your life that you wanted to obliterate? Simple, you reap what you sow.

Jujutsu Kaisen Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Ch 1

2006

On your first meeting with Gojo Satoru, you concluded that he was an arrogant, spoiled brat who was gifted with good looks and godlike powers. Fortunately, with him came the heavenly two: Shoko and Geto, who aligned with the normal spectrum of human emotions in your eyes, unlike the borderline narcissist called Gojo. Maybe you were biased, but at least those two didn't call you weak when you introduced yourself. It was not difficult to get along with all of them, so in no time, you grew close to everyone. You spent a lot of time with Yaga, who was trying to decipher your cursed technique, which he believed was something akin to Geto's, and that brought about daily practice sessions with your then crush.

Geto Suguru was nearly perfect in all senses, always on the morally correct side. His desire to protect everyone, his unique approach to the whole teaching situation, and his method of training added more to his already mesmerizing persona in your mind. You trained with him every single day after classes, had hour-long conversations about the most stray subjects while trading vintage cassette tapes, and feasted on any peculiar but palatable dish you came across. Regarding your slow growth, his patience with you bore fruit the day you stumbled upon an unfavorable breakthrough. You fainted halfway through combat, yet your body swerved every additional attack coming your way with some foreign cursed energy. He conducted certain actions that might trigger this behavior again, only to discover that you shared some sort of symbiotic relationship with an entity that resided within your subconscious. He surmised that it didn't possess you; instead, it protected you, the host, for mutually gainful results. It wasn't dangerous by nature. Geto tried exorcising it but gave up due to its unpredictable nature while secretly informing Yaga about it.

_______

After your lucrative performance in the Yamanashi Prefecture assignment, you were bombarded with numerous missions, sometimes assisting Haibara or Nanami, keeping you busy enough to miss out on your lessons with Geto. So naturally, Geto found himself gravitating towards you when he saw your bruised form coming out of the infirmary. "Missed me?", Geto asked, leaning on the infirmary door.

"You wish", you replied with a playful smile.

"Ouch... can't recall your Romeo already, I see". Now that is awful because that's the thing about Geto; he says stuff like this so casually, and it hurts knowing well the platonic character of your relationship. You feel terrible for not being a truly faithful friend. However, you have almost made peace with it over the span of 4 months, striving to get it through your head that dating is not the most significant experience of teenage life; maybe it's friendship, and it's okay to accept that some people are just way out of your league. These were the constant subliminal messages going around in your head.

"Yeah, found a new one. Hello husband", you retorted as Nanami entered the scene, and in true Nanami fashion, he took his time to understand that the remark was meant for him.

"So it was a head injury, I presume", Nanami said with a straight face.

"More like a heart injury after your blatant denial of our romantic married life just now!", you scoffed, trying to sound as offended as possible. You found out recently that teasing Nanami had become your new favorite thing; his reactions were to die for, and possibly Gojo's weird tactics were rubbing off on you.

To say that Geto was bewildered would be an understatement, because the last time he checked, Nanami wasn't one to entertain such chatter or blush at unintentionally flirty jokes. Generally, Geto considered himself the most mature of the bunch, and he was above all these sappy-feeling things, so why were several questions flooding his head? Was Geto the third wheel here? Was he feeling some sort of way for you? Did he want you to be this way only with him? Geto waited till Nanami left out of sheer awkwardness and embarrassment to ask if you wanted to hang out with him, and unfortunately, you were not free.

Actually, you were. You just wanted to save yourself from the heartache because it was frustrating how you felt around him. He was untouchable and really beautiful, and your sense of inferiority kicked in every time Gojo bragged about the double dates he went on with his best friend. So turning him down seemed like a better option than deluding yourself in fantasies. What you didn't know was that life already had a funny joke up its sleeve—that Geto had been assigned to an inevitable mission along with Gojo that very day.

2010

Geto was tired of dealing with the spineless monkeys; they were getting on his nerves. Such self-centered, one-dimensional idiotic bunch weren't worth his time, but their pockets full of money and senseless heads filled with blind devotion were. Since their disgusting lives lacked meaning, he manipulated them into believing in the revolutionary religious group that he was the god of. To make some sense of the useless souls, he was doing them a favor by liberating them and making use of their miserable existence. It was always easy to instill fear in the ignorant; hence, his blessings and powers became the perfect pearls in his already beautiful ornament.

What kept him motivated was something that he yearned for—the only boon he had been enthroned with—you. And right now, he was waiting for you to return from an important congregation you conducted to scout some new fools into this institution. He knew you were capable of so much more than just using your beauty and polite, submissive nature to exploit the beliefs of the non-sorcerers, yet he couldn't trigger your fragile state by exposing you too much to the consequences of following him. So he complied with your wishes of playing house as an escape from everything. It was everything and more; there was no harm, there were no curses, there was sincerity, there was love, and there was you, and you were all he needed.

"I'm never going back there again!", you declared as you pulled Geto into a hug the minute you arrived. Being surrounded by silly people, putting up a facade, carrying yourself like an angel in front of all the devotees, a ruthless sorcerer for the enemies, a diplomat in non-sorcerer politics, and a prudent young girl for all the perverts was exhausting. It was only beside Geto that you allowed yourself to let loose, as danger was always on your tail due to your close association with him.

"Come on, I have to show you something", he said, breaking the hug.

"I really don't have the energy to travel anymore, Suguru. Let's go back to the hotel", you whined.

"Please, just this once. You won't regret it", he pleaded, and you obviously agreed. The car ride was peaceful, with your head laying on his shoulder as he admired your sleeping form, waking you up once the car reached its destination.

You woke up to a duplex surrounded by a row of rare flowers and trees, arranged in a uniform manner. You looked around the area before speaking up, "What's this place?"

"It's our home", Geto answered lovingly.

You looked back and forth between the house and him, taken aback. You remembered telling him how frustrating it was to move hotels every week. How much you craved the warmth of your parents own place. How much you wanted to be with him in a place where you could breathe freely and not feel guilty about anything. You turned to Suguru only to see him looking at you affectionately. You could be here with him, and no one in the world would know. Maybe there's a chance for change. You wanted to convey your million feelings to him, so you closed the distance between you to kiss him and let him know, which he reciprocated by kissing you deeply, pulling you as close as possible, and stopping only to take you to explore the rest of the house.

The moment you entered the bedroom, Geto had you against the wall as you wrapped your legs around him instinctively. Nuzzling into your neck and pecking you, Geto felt alive for the first time in a while. The way your lips met, the way you tasted, and the way you were trying to move your hips to gain some friction were driving him insane; it was heavenly. Before he could do anything about it, you halted your movements and walked towards the bed, stripping yourself completely and turning to say, "Suguru, I want you to fuck me".

Almost as if on cue, Geto took off his black yukata robes and followed you to the bed. He was so aroused that he couldn't help but kiss you again and suck hard enough on your bottom lip to leave a bruise. Laying you down, he started sucking your neck and teasing your nipples, going south with every passing second. Once he reached your sex, a loud moan escaped your mouth when he swirled his tongue, entering your dripping hole as he initiated the assault on your clit with his thumb. His humming pleasured you more through the vibrations, showing you just how much he longed for you. "Fuck Suguru, don't stop", you whined out of desperation.

Your moans motivated him to lick your clit with broad strokes of his tongue. You were tangling his hair, pulling on them, and trying to grind on his face, and seeing your squirming body under his control made him painfully hard. Keeping a tight grip on your thighs, Geto buried himself between them, swilling and smacking the slick while relishing his new addiction. Your hole pulsated around his tongue as he kept slurping on your juices, and you climaxed due to the overstimulation.

High on you, Geto had you sprawled on your back in a missionary position. The hypnotic haziness of the moment was too much for him, so he entered you to fulfill his carnal desire to have you. Moaning wildly, he tried to move, only to end up shuddering due to the stimulation. He didn't want to hurt you, but your face—the mix of ecstasy and craziness—was enough to drive him to the brink. Forgetting everything, he started rutting into you with harsh, deep strokes, causing you to writhe under him. The delicious jiggle of your tits allured Geto to give them the attention they deserved, sucking on one while squeezing the other. "Fuck...ngh...hsh... you're doing so good, baby...ahh", Geto said with a shaky breath as he lifted your leg up to thrust even deeper.

It wasn't the first time Geto was doing it with you; actually, he had spent countless amazing nights with you before, but this time was different. He felt as if you both were sharing the unspoken feelings you held for each other; it was serene and intimate. Being a God to thousands yet he found true devotion only in your eyes, where he was what he aspired to be: kind. And in this moment, he became one with you, and there was no beyond. His exuberant feelings were waiting to be spilled, but something stopped him. Was it doubt or rejection? He didn't know, but he knew better than to say it out loud.

"I love you, Suguru...hah..fuc-", you were cut off with a suffocating kiss. Geto's thrusting became erratic as he tried to express himself through his actions. Suddenly, life felt more lively; every sensation on his skin felt more pleasurable; it was overwhelming; he was losing control. You both came together, yet none of you stopped, wanting to stay in that euphoric episode for longer. Geto had so much to say to you, so much to confess, but he didn't. There was no rejection now; however, there was vulnerability, and it scared him.

"I love you", was all that his cowardice allowed him to utter.

Ch 3

[pvnkfangirl]

SURPRISE

⌂ |

pairing: Min Yoongi x y/n

summary: y/n surprises Yoongi on tour

You couldn’t contain your excitement. You’d been planning to surprise Yoongi on tour for a while now and finally, you’d been able to get two weeks off from work. The day had finally come you packed your bags and took the first flight to Los Angeles. With the help of Namjoon, Jimin, and Yoongi’s team you were able to keep your fiancé busy and away from his phone. He called you every night after his performance right before he went live. So alone it would’ve gone completely wrong, you were greatly thankful especially since they had all told you just how much Yoongi missed you.

When you arrived at his hotel, his team gave you a key to his room where you would get ready for the concert. You were so excited, tonight was going to be perfect. You were pulling all the stops, wearing his favorite black dress, and matching leather jacket that said D-Day. You just couldn’t wait to see him and finally, the time had come.

You patiently waited in his dressing room, he was finishing up his sound check. “Can’t it wait. I need to get ready for the show, how important can this person be?” You overheard him tell his stage manager. “They're very important. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be forcing you to meet them. There in your dressing room.”

A light knock hit the door and quickly took a seat in his makeup chair, turning it so that he couldn’t see your face only the back of your head. The door opened, “I think I am pretty important, but maybe I am biased.” You said as you slowly spun around to see him. He’d recognize your voice anywhere. The rapper ran over lifting you out of your seat. You wrapped your arms around his neck as he snaked around your waist.

He hid his in the crock of your neck. You heard him sniffle, “aww baby.”

“I’ve missed you so much.” He said as he pulled away resting his forehead against yours. You placed a hand on his cheek, “I've missed you too.” Yoongi leaned in pressing his lips against yours. You could taste the Hennessy on his lips, the kiss was sweet, reminding you just how much you love him. Both of you pull away, “How long?”

You smile, “2 weeks! Be prepared to be sick of me!!”

“I could never get sick of you. Is this why you’ve been ignoring my calls?” He asked before pressing a kiss to your forehead. A giggle left your lips, “I couldn’t bring myself to lie to you. So I got Jimin and Joon’s help. They did most of the work, all I had to do was show up and look cute.” Yoongi’s hands slipped to your hand as he pulled away from your embrace, he spun you. His eyes took you in for the first since he stepped into the room. “You look beautiful.”

“Really, I am hoping to catch the eye of my favorite rapper.” You winked. He smiled, “God, how did I get so lucky.” You let go of his hand and stepped closer to him grabbing his arms and wrapping them around your waist before setting yours around his neck. His hand began to travel down towards your butt.

A knock interrupted moment, “Yoongi, stage in 10.” Yoongi groaned in response. You pressed a chaste kiss to his lips, “There’ll be plenty of time for that. Go on get ready. I’ll see you out there.” You pulled away and made your way to the door. “Hey, I love you!”

Yoongi’s smile grew, “I love you more.”

[puckpocketed]

caps fan here!

as follower of pld (the few, the proud, the courageous!), i was wondering if you had any thoughts about how he might fit in with our team, assuming he's going to be 1C with Ovi on the left and one of Wilson or Mangiapane on the right, and basically taking the former Kuznetsov/Backstrom spot on the halfwall on PP1. my thinking is that he can easily return to being a 60 point player just by the increase in ice time alone this coming season, and maybe even flirt with 70 if he has a triggerman like big O on his wing.

as someone who knows a hell of a lot more about PLD than i do, is that just wishful thinking because i'm a caps fan? what do you think?

The PLD Post, Part 2: mask-OFF

Hii!! (we are SO brave and SO correct). i am so sorry this took ages to answer, i was trying to decide how serious to be. I will admit, I was hesitant about going mask-off and hitting up the microstats and revealing that i do seriously think he can be better than he was bc that shit is kinda lame ESPECIALLY when defending a clear failhorse. but at this point any rep i have as someone with good opinions must be gone considering how many media scapegoats i've attached myself to (i got a fucking. c.gauthier ask the other day aslkjdkljas) so. mask is coming off. we've hit somewhere between well-considered manifesto and vibe check so . um. enjoy!!

I remain optimistic going from everything I've heard and from what you're saying here! But, big big asterisk. He absolutely needs to take ownership of his lack of engagement. when he speaks in media availability I believe him when he says he wants to change. The will to change is there, idk if it’s possible that any player would be satisfied with their performance being the way his was. There’s a lot that needs to be unpacked about his lack of production, the Character Issues, and what his role might look like going forward. You and any other Caps fan who reads this will have to tell me if the fit is right. Hockey talk below the cut lol!!

So before I start I have to say I know dick all about the Caps except:

You're dragging that old man (Ovechkin) to Gretzky's lawn (record) to set it on fire (break it before he retires)

Everyone is pining away for your very very injured 1C who is also Ovechkin's boybestfriend/perfect set-up guy/work wife

There's. intricate pre-game rituals?

So I'm not sure I can speak to how he will fit with your (our? i AM picking the Caps up fr given every acquisition/draft pick they've made) team with any depth or specificity. also i don't think i'd call myself a PLD expert. like. i just got here !! I haven't been following him since he was drafted or anything!! I have, however, consumed TOO MANY Kings games this past season and I can give you a broad look at what actually happened with them and why I think it didn't work out. I will not be making any overtures about being unbiased. My biases WILL slip through because I think Dubois is a sweetheart and I find the mental exercise of defending him fun <3 I’ll give you stats and observations and I will build a story that runs counter to what the prevailing media narratives say. While I stand by my opinions, they're also just one of many available interpretations of what happened.

character concerns

Everyone will be bringing it up at the first speed bump of the season, the first bad game he has. Please be prepared to have a crisis of faith and also be deeply disappointed in him. god knows I am, like, all the time <3 But... I always want to dig deeper when it comes to dominant narratives, because in following multiple teams I’ve become acutely aware of just how miserably Bad media can be at reporting on teams that aren’t their own.

I hear “Locker room cancer” accusations bandied about and I’ve yet to see anyone produce a primary source for this — podcasters, journalists, even people on nhl broadcasts will throw these words around so casually, assuming they’re correct because everyone knows the story. Some confounding factors in the character narratives arise when you scratch the surface. People who've worked with him speak well enough of him. Todd McLellan called him “misunderstood”, and had nothing bad to say about his character.

Matt Roy, who also just got picked up by the Caps, has recently said he’s a great teammate. MORE proof if you want to hear it directly, Roy went on Dropping The Gloves and had this to say about Dubois (transcript by me):

[on what actually happened] Honestly, I don’t know. I mean if you asked him he would say he had a down year. But it’s nothing like — I feel like the media paints this picture of him, and to me it couldn’t be further from the truth, you know. He’s a great teammate, he’s a great locker room guy, he gets along with everybody. So, in terms of all that I don’t know where the media is getting all this stuff. If I hated the guy I probably wouldn’t have come to Washington. He’s one of my friends on the team and I really think he’s going to have a bounce back year. I think he’s really going to be good for the team.

Matt Roy signed with the Caps of his own free will as an RD, a contested free agent in a sparse market, knowing Dubois was already here. He could’ve gone to plenty of different places. Why the hell would Roy sign here long-term, clearly wanting to play and win, if Dubois was as disliked as some pundits would have us believe??? Credible reports (and not just speculation) point to PLD’s other teammates liking him!! 

And here’s some propaganda; I direct you to this extremely sweet video where he gets asked about assisting on Akil Thomas' first NHL goal (and a bunch of other first NHL goals). He is so, so genuinely happy for Akil, who battled through injuries that set back his development for years. Just LOOK at his smile!! He can’t hold it back. (Others have said this but it looks like a little v. Like :> !!!! HELLO !!)

How does all of this happen when, supposedly, he’s a low-character asshole and a “locker room cancer”? It doesn’t line up for me.

On the other hand, I have seen Dubois cruise. He really can’t seem to bounce back from a poor start, and if you were just looking from the outside in, the scoresheet this year reflects this. The critique is fair; I’ve turned this over in my head enough times. there are less physically gifted, less skilled players, who are working so hard to stay in this league, and Dubois’ poor showing does feel somewhat like, idk, something I’d be mad about usually.

Here comes the “but”. Call this next bit the narrative section, because I’m showing my ass here: I think Dubois gets a lot of scrutiny because of his infamous Shift, which went a specific kind of viral, under the exact right conditions, and it has just. defined his career. And okay… I am not denying that the shift happened, but plenty of guys in this league have taken shifts off. come on. the season is long and they're only human. I’m not excusing it either! It was bad and he deserved his benching. Ideally, he one day becomes a player who always puts effort in. Working hard is one of my favourite traits in any player, and usually this would be enough for me to dismiss him as not worth being invested in.

and yet…. the reactions to his floundering performance feel so much like they’re about expectations as seen through the lens of The Shift. They’re calibrated differently because he went 3rd overall, and he's got this big body, the speed, the skill — it's the fact that he's got the tools and seemingly squanders them. All of this is amplified by the contract he's sitting on and his run of short-term stays on teams. Does he get this much scrutiny if he went in the 2nd or 3rd round? Does he catch this much heat for his low energy performance if that one shift clip hadn’t done all that damage? We’ll never know obviously but . I do wonder.

Final word on the character stuff is that we don’t know what truly went on in those locker rooms and i don't want to give more air time to baseless speculation. What we can examine is the hockey. The hockey tells the truth <3

the 23-24 la kings

Assuming the plan is to give PLD a look at 1/2C while he’s on the Caps, I think he’s a complementary type of player. The way he is right now, I don't think he can drive his own line or pull people up. He works with the calibre of lineys he's got and will produce the expected outcome. That sounds so obvious, but what I’m saying is I don’t think he’s capable of miracles like the best playmakers in the league, he's not about to make your guys look 15 years younger. In this vein, I look at his many first NHL goal assists as a symptom of what kind of linemates he was being paired with all season, and how unstable the situation was. His drop in point production IS more complicated than "he's just a piece of shit". From this article, the best summary I've seen of the Situation PLD was in:

LA acquired a player who had been a top-six center (and at times, winger) his entire career playing with established NHL talent. Yet after investing multiple assets to acquire Dubois and sign him to a significant contract, the team decided to put him in a third-line role where his most common linemate was a first-year NHL player who wasn’t expected to be on the roster in Alex Laferriere. Those two had a revolving door of wingers throughout the season. Moreover, Dubois’ most common on-ice teammates after Laferriere at 5-on-5 this season were Matt Roy and Andreas Englund. Gee, I wonder why he didn’t produce?

Context about Roy and Englund: Roy is a quiet but capable d-man who is defensively geared with a bit of offensive upside (j'adore. does things the right way and is very responsible and good. will throw hits but doesn't chase them or headhunt. I think playing away from the Kings’ more passive system will unlock more of his offensive potential. Matt Roy you will be SO good for the Caps I truly believe mwah mwah); and Englund is a leg weight/goon who, going by every single stat I can pull out, makes his d-partners Worse (with affection <3). Point here is neither of them being on the ice was particularly conducive to a lot of scoring chances.

As I said in my previous post, I think Dubois absolutely needs finishers. At some point there was hype around his shot but I didn't see much of that at all on lak? Eye test says: he was unwilling to shoot, and when he did shoot it felt like there was low/no commitment, no power behind it. Comments on his shooting called him “too deferential” at different turns. That’s just an insulting way to say a guy likes to pass and I truly think it circles back to the expectations thing. Would there be anything wrong with him not being much of a shooter this past season if he was another player? (Can't we just say he passed a lot this season without bringing value judgement into it? leave my failhorse ALONE!!!! like must a man score goals ,can't he be very very sweet and happy for the rookies he assisted ? wailing about it forever.)

More fun stats from that same article:

#1 on lak for passes that led to high-danger scoring chances, and scoring chances in general <- again, not a miracle worker. did not have finishers who could capitalise on these chances. its so fucked up what they did to my failwife

one of the best on lak in actually carrying the puck into the o-zone. (another reason i quite liked watching him!! transition forwards my BELOVED) everything I've ever observed about him off the cuff holds true here: he draws penalties this way, because he's fast and when he's locked in he is pretty good for controlled zone entries <3

Dubois had a career high in even-strength assists per 60, this is all in spite of his weird linemate situation and his reduced TOI and the power play mess (more on this later). he might have been deferring, but I truly think the lack of stability + good finishers, and ice time held him back from being more productive.

jim hiller

Building off that last point: even worse on the stability front, which I did allude to in the initial PLD Post, was what happened when Jim Hiller took over. You must understand one of the first clues that we were working with a different animal of a head coach is he was NOT afraid to line shuffle, and shortly after he found short-term success with that, they started running 11 forwards and 7 defensemen (you can see where it started precisely if you scroll back in lak lb because you'll find ME yelling about it LMAO). This shortened forward bench resulted in mid-game line shuffling, as in it was uncertain as to who they would be playing with from shift to shift. Hiller is on record saying he thinks it was beneficial, per this article:

It’s all about getting his deep forward corps engaged in the game. That’s sometimes difficult if you’re running four full lines and there are penalty kill or power play opportunities that alter the flow of the lines. Especially for the group of forwards who don’t kill penalties – think Kevin Fiala, Viktor Arvidsson, Quinton Byfield, Pierre-Luc Dubois – it’s an opportunity to get them extra shifts and engage in the game. “Some of our other players who don’t penalty kill, you know they can lose the flow of the game, so they enjoy it more I know,” Hiller said of having 11 forwards in action. “We’ve talked about it a lot. We really just think for our team, the way it is right now, that gives us an advantage getting those players more ice time.”

(and ok sorry to go off about my gripes with how the kings are run but .They were doing this into playoffs. This article was written during playoffs. god. CARL GRUNDSTROM, WHO HAS NEVER NOT PLAYED HARD, PLAYED 25 SECONDS IN GAME 2. all this while they were trying to get people 'engaged'. Idk. Maybe it did work for some players. I wasn’t behind that bench. But sitting one of your most energetic and committed forwards during a series in which you’re trying to come back from being down several games was a CHOICE!!!! also like what if you didn't double-shift QB. what then. And we all know how that series ended. lak coaching/management i am beating you with a pillowcase stuffed with bricks . <3)

Much was made of the Hiller takeover. I liked it at the time. In his first couple of media availabilities post-TM, Hiller emphasised bringing back "fun" to the game for many of the players who were slumping — and a reportedly tense locker room during the big skid that lost McLellan his job. It was all very Ted Lasso of him. Hiller also introduced a new way to rate Dubois for his performance every night, separate from the scoresheet. I made jokes about PLD's very special star-chart, everyone who knew about it was making jokes about it. This merit system was tailored towards communicating with Dubois what he did and didn't do well, and while no one ever went into depth about it we do know a few things:

It measured things outside of +/-, goals and assists, and was likely a score out of 5 per metric.

One of the metrics was about hits/physicality, another one was likely ‘compete’ levels.

He alluded to being measured on penalties drawn?? Or something??

Anyway it sort of … worked?? The change in Dubois was pretty immediate, the moment he was given some clear direction to work in. He played some of his BEST games of the year in the wake of this change. He got involved physically, he was not losing steam, he was drawing tons of penalties because he’s huge and fast and has good hands and IF he puts his mind to it he can truly be a transition monster.

CUE THE LINE SHUFFLING… imo, much of the progress made seemed to be lost, and the rest is history.

NOT saying Dubois is free of fault here. Needing that extra motivation to get physically involved is kinda wild, and I understand why for some people it’s a bridge too far. EYE am here for the laffs though and it's really funny that the communication came in the form of super special individualised performance evaluations/a glorified sticker chart. This is why he’s my temperamental desert flower. Wilting violet. Soggy kitten. <3 and for the record I truly don’t think I’d care if he put up 40 points per szn for the rest of his career. I don’t care because he’s a sweetie and the Bit i do when defending him is too funny. I don’t think I’d care if everyone was right about him — I just don’t actually think they are.

the power play problem

So okay, as per part 1 (my last email <3) we know Dubois thrives net front. It’s where he scored a bunch of his goals on the Jets. Every stat and the eye test supports this. So how come Lak had him stationed on the half wall doing jackshit, if he was on the power play at all?? I will admit I drove myself half crazy studying power play structures and watching LA Kings games back before coming up with a garbled, half-formed idea about how LA runs their PP. I was going to attempt to explain it here — had to do with Kevin Fiala and Dubois being lefties and how that's just an awkward passing sitch — but it turns out more than one person has had this thought and MAN I love being validated by actual hockey people. I fully thought i was making shit up in my head for a good week or two, and was seriously considering scrapping this portion . but it’s SO important for contextualising the production drop, so here goes !!

As early as September 2023 there was a story published about PLD’s role on PP1 — a place where he certainly should’ve belonged as a top-6 guy with plenty of ppg’s under his belt. From this article, which explains the issue very very neatly, and much more eloquently than I could ever hope to:

The addition of Pierre-Luc Dubois was a big one this summer; at first glance, he should be a great addition to the power play. But when digging deeper, the Kings might struggle to fit him onto the top unit. Dubois played mostly as the net front player for the Winnipeg Jets last season, the role Gabriel Vilardi often played for the Kings last season. So, it’s an easy one-to-one switch in that spot, right? Not necessarily. Dubois has all the talents to be an effective net-front player. He has the size and strength to battle in front, with the skill to effectively pop down low and create chances. However, his handedness is a big problem for this role. The Kings run their power play primarily on the left side with Kevin Fiala — Anze Kopitar when Fiala is hurt — which necessitates a right shot down low. When a right shot player pops out on the left side, there’s an easy passing angle for the half-wall player and more options for the player down low. Quick passing is key for a successful power and a left-shot can’t move the puck quick enough down low. They would have to either move too far into the corner or take the extra second to step out from and open up their body to create an effective passing angle. Time that would slow the power play down too much and allow the opposition penalty kill to get back into position. There’s also minimal shot threat from a lefty down low. We saw both Vilardi and Viktor Arvidsson frequently take the pass down low and quickly turn it into a shooting opportunity, something a left shot wouldn’t be able to do.

It then goes on to suggest 2 solutions that aren’t appealing at all:

Flip the power play entirely to accommodate Dubois net front. Not great as they dont have the players for that, and if they tried it they’d be hamstringing Adrian Kempe’s one-timer.

PLD on the bumper position. This one’s hard to swallow because that displaces Kopitar to PP2, there’s his position as captain and the optics of moving him off his spot.

In this article it is once again suggested that LA MUST flip their power play and figure out how to get PLD net front. In this article they point out how useless he was playing on the wall down the stretch, and how the only reason he seemed to be able to produce something was because he’d taken Kopitar’s spot in his absence. This article calls to attention Dubois’ worlds performance, where team Canada utilised him net front.

Big picture, the Fit

Do we see the problem here yet? It’s not the flat narrative I was sold by the national media, random assholes on twitter, and podcasters who don’t actually watch Kings matches!!!! Do we see how weird and messy and complicated it is, beyond “hey he’s just a sack of shit who isn’t trying hard enough”. Rob Blake himself has come out and admitted that they didn’t put Dubois in a position to succeed. And absolutely there was effort required on his end — a different player might have sucked it up and adapted to circumstances, a different player might never have needed that extra bit of communication, a straight up better player might have dragged his less skilled lineys up to a higher level. But the problem has always been two-fold: LA was trying to coach and manage a completely different player to the one they had in front of them and expecting good results; and Dubois was unable to keep competing with all he had in the face of that. I think both parties are at fault here. And I think, given the chance and the right circumstances, Dubois can hit 60 points again.

Okay, circling back to the big question of Fit. Will he be able to work with Ovechkin? Hard to think he could fail with one of hockey’s best goal scorers on his wing, if he does get a look at 1C. People who know the Caps better than I do, does this sound workable? Is Dubois going to be too difficult of a nut to crack for your coach? Your locker room?

And, of course, the power play issue. Maybe Dubois learns to be better on the half wall! Idk!! Maybe it was a matter of coaching and he thrives in Washington running your PP1 from there. For my money… I like him better playing net front or bumper. Do the Caps have the bodies to accommodate this? I did ask someone familiar with the Caps PP to explain it to me so I could try and figure this out but ouuuugh. My head is spinning. Someone smarter than me please jump in. I am TIRED . We don’t know what it will look like, what they’re planning to do with Dubois on the power play. You guys probably have a better idea about what’s possible than I do <3

Conclusion?

PLD is fast, big, a passing threat and a formidable net front presence when he’s given the opportunity and playing his A-game. As far as I can tell, his B-game is garbage </3 His poor performance is more complicated than people think and I’m pretty sure only the LA Kings beat reporters + the 12 kings fans on twitter know this. Most of them still dislike PLD anyway bc his low motor. I don’t blame them, I’m just more inclined to be forgiving because I love redemption arcs and I think he’s a good person. i would love to be wrong about his low-effort B-game LMAO but im trying to be realistic here. I want him to fit in and be embraced by the Caps so bad <3 Your coach sounds like he wants to help PLD succeed and is up for the challenge. The vibes from my friends who follow the Caps are always good, I’ve read through various tags and it sounds like a place that will take him in whether he likes it or not. I might be stupid but I believe in him !!! and I’ve laid out all the hockey bullshit for you to the best of my ability. Given all of this… do you think he’ll do well?

[thewalrusespublicist]

"Tbh I was starting to feel a bit down about my blog and what I was putting out ( the eternal crisis on how to give full answers and opinions without being stupid, boring and annoying lol)"

OMG no way! Your blog is one of the best here! What i love the most is reading the analysis and meta from the users, there's always more information and good takes, and yours are always quite deep and insightful.

I would love if you share your opinions about Stuart as well. I feel like he is obviously more sanctified that he should be since he died young (like that insane quote from his mom saying that Brian told her that Stuart could have been the Beatles' manager, no way lol) and i feel his memory has been used to attack Paul, sometimes in a very unfair way. Like, i don't deny the teenage drama and jealousy that Paul felt about him but he *was* a shitty bass player and the band was Paul's future, he was allowed to criticized him not only for being John's new bestie. I also think John played with them both but i lack of your eloquence so i will love to read your take about it.

Hi anon! And the other anons!

Thank you again and to all the other messages I got, they were extremely sweet and really made my day. :)

From my inbox, it's clear you guys want to know about Stu and his role in the Beatles legacy. Well you asked for it and a novel you shall have. Be warned this might be the longest post I've done so grab like a drink or something.

A few disclaimers: I wish and had intended for this to be more of a deep dive into Stu as a whole person rather than just his relationship with John and Paul. Unfortunately I just didn't have the space to do it. If you want to know more about Stu I would highly recommend @eppysboys' blog which is the source for all things Stu Sutcliffe and where I got a lot of this info. Please check their stuff out. Also, I'm going to be a bit blunter on this than maybe I usually am because this topic has been irritating me for some time. Oh also I’m trying my best to answer a lot of asks in one post so please forgive if I don’t fully answer your specific ask about this!

Stu in a perfect world should be a fandom darling: an exciting cipher, a handsome artistic talent that died way too soon who had a major influence in the early Beatles style. It's like there’s this secret other James Dean looking mf Beatle hidden away to uncover, that's cool and he is cool! The problem is that he’s sort of becomes radioactive to talk about in a normal way due to how he's been portrayed and utilised in some biographies and fandom spaces, particularly those that have been infected by John Lennon aspirational boy bestie syndrome. As those types of spaces cannot seem to exist without tearing down Paul to prop John up as their special lil guy, Stu as John's other best friend has become the ideal heavy object to hit Paul McCartney over the head with. It's like a corrosive element, the minute Stu hits a Beatles bio, the biographer suddenly loses all training in objectivity and source work and starts waxing lyrical about 100 percent reliable never biased or wrong Saint Stu of Hamburg who died for our condom arson sins and that Paul McCartney should feel bad about every day of his life for not worshipping Stu and not accepting his own ‘place’ in life as John's just-some-guy placeholder best friend. I’ve personally seen so many posts and forums where Stu being mentioned leads to a legion of comments about how Paul could never have been Stu (correct both ways) and how John would never have even glanced at Paul for much longer if Stu had been alive. Sidenote: If you seriously think that the musical savant from down the road whom John went on to produce the most prolific song writing partnership in history with couldnt have kept his attention for long then I'm begging you on hands and knees to get your head out of the arse of your John Lennon body pillow and be serious. But anyway…

This boy bestie battle royale approach has in turn lead to a reflex reaction where Stu gets studiously ignored by other sections of the fandom as a precedent has been set that shining a light on him diminishes Paul and John's relationship with Paul. It's frustrating because if people weren't so keen to cut Paul out of his own story then we would get a much better nuanced view of every single person involved.

So let's put aside all of our defenses, cut the John Lennon loved one ranking system bullshit and lets look at the actual question here which is what was John and Stu's relationship really like and what did he mean to John?

John and Stu met at art college a year or so after Paul and John met. Up to that point John and Paul had their fun little codependant thing going on but Stu quickly became a huge fixture in John's life. Stu had things that Paul couldn't really offer at that point in time. John was at his heart a musician who aspired to be seen as an artist (he would later express surprise that he didn't become an artist). Stu was the passionate artist who knew tons about the art of the period that could teach and inspire John. Their creative leanings meant they could work on projects together and share art notebooks and poetry. (Including yes the one with anti-semitic story which I mention again as I believe it's an important thing to remember when it comes to both John and Stu and the culture of the time.) Stuart by the sounds of it was even writing a novel about John at the time of his death. They were fascinated and inspired by each other.

So, creatively they fired each other up but more importantly perhaps, Stu and John were peers. It's funny to think about when you see the Beatles later but at the time Paul and George were the kids in their school uniform coming to see their cool older friend at art school. That's an important divide. When Paul and George's parents insisted their kids do their homework and go to bed, John and Stu could stay up and talk all hours of the night, which they did. They also could rent a place together and spend long hours chatting (despite John moving out later after realising electricity cost money lol.) There's a different dynamic that the age similarity offered as well. Whilst Paul would later somewhat grow into this role, Stu could act as an authority figure to John as well as open up to John in a way you can really only do with your peers. Stu was the person John opened up to throughout Stu's life:

How long can one go on writing and writing like you. I now don’t really know who I’m writing to or why it’s quiet peculiar. I usually write like this and forget about it but if I put it in a little part of my [almost?] secret self in the hands of someone miles away who will wonder what the hell is going on or just pass it off as toilet paper. Anyway I don’t care really what happens because when I think about it, it’s so bloody unimportant – but what is important who has the right to say that this letter is not important and this is a something any way – anyway – anyway – yeah! I wonder what it would be like to be a cretin or something. I bet it’s gear. & how are you keepin Stuart old chap are you as ok – is life as good – bad shite, great – wonderful as it was or is it just a thousand years of nothing and coolness on and on and on. I think this is it Goodbye Stu don’t write out of – er what is it? well not because you think you ought to write when you feel like So goodbye (from John you know the one with glasses) ANYWAY BYE BYE see you soon I don’t know why I said that I remember a time when everyone I loved hated me because I hated them so what so what so fucking what I remember a time when belly buttons were knee high when only shitting was dirty and everything else clean + beautiful I can’t remember anything without a sadness So deep that it hardly becomes known to me so deep that its tears leave me a spectator of my own STUPIDITY + so I go rambling on with a hey nonny nonny nonny no

Extract from a letter to Stuart Sutcliffe from John Lennon, 1961

By lots of accounts Stu was gentle but firm when it came to telling John he'd gone too far. John references this aspect of Stu to Hunter Davies:

"I looked up to Stu. I depended on him to tell me the truth. Stu would tell me if something was good and I'd believe him."

The Beatles: The Authorised Biography (Hunter Davies)

In this way I kind of see Stu as a proto-Yoko. John was so insecure and uncertain about his grip on the world and reality that he relied on Stu to be his point of reference and guide. Paul did this too later and I think in Hunter Davies John mentions this, but not at this time period and not as much due to their competitiveness. This may be why some people saw Stu as the person that really understood John at this time period:

"During the turbulent adolescence that prefaced a turbulent manhood, hardly anyone knew Lennon as intimately as Stuart Sutcliffe. If they weren't exactly David and Jonathan, June Furlong, one of the life models at Liverpool's Regional College of Art, had "never seen two teenagers as close as those two."

The Gospel According To Lennon by Alan Clayson

Now this person likely never met John and Paul together but this is only one of many similar quotes and even Julia captain of John and Paul's friendship boat seems to agree there was a period where Stu dominated and Paul 'kept his distance' from the John-Cyn-Stu 'menage-a-trois'. But the friendship wasn't perfect and his position as John's ultimate best friend was never iron clad. This is best outlined by the shit they pulled when John convinced him to join on Bass for the Beatles.

Despite being John's best friend, Stu was teased and bullied:

"They argued as usual amongst themselves, but most of all they picked on Stu, the newest member of the group. John, George and Paul had been with each other long enough to know that rows and arguments and criticism didn't mean much. If it did, you just argued back. "We were terrible," says John. "We'd tell Stu he couldn't sit with us, or eat with us. We'd tell him to go away, and he did." At one hotel they stayed at, a variety show had just left. There had been a dwarf in the show and they found out which bed he had slept in and said that would have to be Stu's. They certainly weren't going to sleep in it. So Stu had to. "That was how he learned to be with us," says John. "It was all stupid, but that was what we were like."

The Beatles: The Authorised Biography (Hunter Davies)

Why John encouraged this I have no idea, maybe jealousy over Stu's looks and wanting to play people off each other? Things were tense in both Scotland and Hamburg, especially between Stu and Paul. As I said in my last post, the girls were fighting and it was mutual. Paul was mad for both fair and immature teenage-boy reasons. Stu could not be bothered with the bass most of the time and couldn't really play well and was only there as he was '(John's) best friend' (ouch for Paul). Paul conversely had given up higher education to be there and was sending lots of money back home. He also was dating the girl Paul fancied. Stu was popular with the new group and also did mean things like help John steal Paul's money when money was really tight for him. Paul in turn was a passive aggressive, jealous and mean. It all came to ahead in the punch up onstage which according to Spitz came about from Paul wanting money back and saying that Stu could borrow some from Astrid. Stu goes for him and reports vary from full-on bust up to embarrassing scuffle. Stu then goes to where Astrid and Paul's gf Dot are, demands Dot leaves and goes on a rant about Paul. Now all of this must be framed in the context of Stu receiving increasing brain damage from his condition that seemingly lead to mood swings and anger. Nevertheless, the mutual needling and anger, as well as John's refusal to do/say fuck all about it, especially given how protective John was of Stu, suggests that it wasn’t straightforward and/or John may have been playing some games to make both feel threatened. This would also make sense as to why we hear conflicting accounts of John and Stu being the centre of everything and everyone else in orbit AND John and Paul being the centre and everyone else playing catch-up, as well as John giving Paul the lead to take him round the Reeperbahn when John got dressed in the gorilla costume. (I know Paul may have just been the closest there but that always gave off bestie behaviour to me.)

(I did get an ask about how John and Paul's friendship survived it, I think it was damaged by Hamburg. When Paul got back home he got a job at a construction site and there's just a vibe of everything being a bit on tenterhooks. John also acts a bit weird at the period, not talking to anyone for a few weeks then making a lot of weird demands from Paul. I'm really not sure what to make of it.)

Even when he's back in Liverpool, John still writes long letters to Stu and vice-versa. I can't find it at all but I’ve read a really sad interview with John saying he missed his best mate and it's a shame that he's not with them. He had no idea at that point that Stu had already died of a brain hemorrhage at 21.

John is said to have gone into hysterics when he found out Stu had died. A lot of people who've spoken about this time (Aunt Mimi, his sister Julia, the Exsis) concur that at this point Stu was his best friend and the death shattered him. He even told Astrid he wished he could give his life for Stu’s. This is backed up by the fact that John never forgot Stu and his shadow lingered for the rest of John's life:

Stu was recalled in In My Life

Years later, after John composed the first of his truly poignant and heartfelt Beatles songs, "In My Life"—with its lines about "friends I still can recall/some are dead and some are living"—he revealed to me that the two people he had had uppermost in mind were myself and Stuart Sutcliffe. And then he stunned me with a statement that I'd never heard him address to anyone—least of all to another man. "You know, Pete," he said softly, "I do love you. But," he quickly added, "I loved Stuart as well."

Weird that Paul isn't mentioned surely you think that he would be mentioned if Pete was there too okay, okay my tin hat is going away this isn't the time

Pete Shotton, Nicholas Schaffner, John Lennon: In My Life

In 1965 John drew Stu on a postcard

He apparently said this about Stu prior to sending the postcard, prompted by an article about Stuart.

The card had been sent from Genoa mid-way through the Beatles' Italian tour. [...] But the conversation had become maudlin when I reminded him that he was going to talk to me for an article about Stuart. [...] In that sad telephone conversation before they set off for Milan, I asked him if he was happy: 'I'd be a lot happier if Stuart was still part of us,' he said, 'The Beatles would be complete.' And before he rang off he said 'Ill send you something.'

He also appears on the cover of Sgt Pepper

As mentioned, Stu gets mentioned in Hunter Davies in terms of wistfulness and guilt AND he gets a mention in John's insane 'if I were a homosexual' ramblings in early 70s. According to Yoko, John also wanted Yoko to write letters to him and didn't think it would be strange because Stu wrote letters to him.

I have a pet theory that as with a lot of things for John, his unresolved grief over Stu really came to the fore in the late 60s now that he had actually had a chance to sit down and think about things. I believe it was partially why he wanted Yoko to write letters and why he gets mentioned in the early 70s as a collaborator/best friend and not in 1980 where John only gives that credit to Paul and Yoko. I think with the cracks with Paul, John had started to think back on his old friend and guide and what advice he would give.

Stuarts presence is still felt throughout the seventies:

“He told me everything. He loved to talk about Hamburg. There were no secrets. It was the kind of life I never knew…. It meant total freedom. At his side always was Stuart, sweet Stuart. There wasn’t a time in John’s life when he didn’t think about Stuart. He spoke always of his love and respect for Stuart.”

Yoko discussing Stu in When They Were Boys: The True Story of the Beatles’ Rise to the Top by Larry Kane

Coming to grips with his death is also present in Skywriting

SEAN O’HAIRE: What happened to Stuart Cliff? DR. FISCHY: What happened was a full exchange of energy where it was not needed within the expression of your own self or in the energies involved around and about you. We cannot call it a happening. We’ll say it is an awakening, for in that way it has served an expression from the past to the present and to the future to where there shall be more of that incomplete vibration expressed to you in a more fuller understanding.

Skywriting by Word of Mouth, John Lennon

This isn't exhaustive but I think from all this it's pretty clear that John adored Stu, John grieved Stu and kept grieving Stu. Stu had a specific place in his life as a confidant that he tried to recreate with Yoko. At the time of Stu's death, he was John's best friend, probably slightly over Paul. Stuart had been able to be both a friend and paternal presence, a confidant and an artistic collaborator. His presence and loss was one of the foundational points in John's life.

But as we've been asked to play this stupid game and so many bios like to make a hoopla about it, were they at their closest ever as close as John and Paul were at their height?

No.

How do we know? Because John told us so:

" He [Paul] still is the closest friend I've ever had, except for Yoko, so I'm still close to him whatever goes on."

John Lennon to an interviewer, 1971

But Walrus! John just says shit! How do we know he isn't leaving out Stu because the press don't know Stu. Well true John does just say shit but this is at a time where John isn't the most glowing about Paul and he's had no problem mentioning Stu in this time period ('one of my best friends ever' would have made a similar point).

But Walrus again! If John picked Stu over Paul when they were young why wouldn't he be the boy bestie of all time, and why would John say that he was closer to Paul? Well, because of the environment and timings. Stu's death happened near the beginning of John and Paul's major bonding moments. If you look at their personal timeline, Paris, the Nerk twins, and getting signed happened just before Stu died. That's missing the major years of Beatlemania, Key West, LSD, Paul growing more into being John's peer and a load of other huge moments in their lives. It's like how John writes to Cyn in 1962 about wanting the house to themselves and not have Paul around all the time. Would you say because he feels closer to Cyn then that John in his overall lifetime loved Cyn more than Paul? No, because relationships change over time and theirs were no exception. (One thing to consider as well is that we don't yet have many letters between John and Paul during their Beatles years and earlier, probably because they were spending so much time with each other. We know a couple exist that Paul considers too personal for publication but I'm sure there are others. It's easy to understand what John felt for Stu as we have the letters, I think we would also have an easier time understanding what John felt for Paul if we had the equivalent of those.)

At the end of the day Paul was the man he believed he had a psychic bond with, the man he couldn’t shut up about, the man whom he’d conquered the world with with their endless collaboration, the man with a twin personality to him and according to John spent more time with throughout the 60s than he had with Yoko ever. To be frank if Paul had died in 67' I don't think this would have been a conversation.

As mentioned early, in early 1970s John elevates his partnership with Stu to his collaborations with Paul and Yoko but by 1980 he’s pretty clear that Paul and Yoko are their own category.

"I was saying to somebody the other day, “There’s only two artists I’ve ever worked with for more than a one night stand, as it were. That’s Paul McCartney, and Yoko Ono.” And I think that’s a pretty damned good choice!!"

John Lennon interview with DJ Dave Sholin, 1980

There are of course the what ifs. Would Stu still being alive mean that John was not as close with Paul? Maybe, highly doubtful though as the Beatles experience was so intense. If Stu remained a Beatle would John be as close with Paul? If Stu remained a Beatle he wouldn't be Stu so no. At the same time who knows what it would have been like if Paul and John were peers from the off? I said this to @the62ndbugsfan when it comes to Stu vs Paul (hi girl sorry i've made our chat a whole ass post lol) but to go a bit Wuthering Heights, soulmates are made as much from the earth as they are of the stars. What binds us is our experiences just as much as our personalities. There may be a universe where Stu and John took on the art world together or became inseparable bffs again after the Beatles disbanded, but it is not our universe. In this universe Stu tragically died and John and Paul chose to become Lennon/McCartney and artistically unite themselves forever.

Even going back to Stu's lifetime, I've said it before and I'll say it again I find it interesting that not only did John choose to go to Paris with Paul rather than pay to meet up with Stu somewhere but that they arranged to meet up with Juergen and nobody told Stu until they'd already gone. Stu was shocked and didn't know if it meant the end of the Beatles which is a pretty big thing for him not to know about. Why didn't John tell him if they're apparently still writing long letters? Was it because he really wanted to do this with Paul and didn't want to hurt Stu's feelings? And that's really the point I want to make here. Due to his trauma John was preoccupied with reinforcing ranking of relationships within his life. But the thing is friendship rankings are made up guidelines and the reality is far more complicated. You can have a designated best friend but feel closer to another friend at times, you can want to do one thing specifically with one friend and not the other for various reasons. You can (as I do) have more than one equal best friend. Friendship as with most relationships are in a constant state of flux and each friendship you have will give and mean a different thing, even if they are of similar value to you.

Paul may have ended up closer to John than Stu had been, but that doesen't make John's relationship with Stu any less special. Nor does Stu negate the significance of Paul. Whilst both fit into John's pattern of intense relationships and demands related to that, both had unique positions and meaning to him. Considering what I've gone into about John's closeness to Stu, it actually says something deeply, borderline unnervingly, intense about John and Paul that Paul pipped Stu to the post. Maybe it's time Beatles bios accept the fact that John Lennon just wouldn't be into them like that, stop using a tragically prematurely deceased young man as a prop in their jealous psychological warfare against Paul McCartney, stop perpetuating one of the most damaging games that John did to his loved ones and allow both relationships the space to shine and showcase the amazing talent that was the Beatles and those that surrounded them.