#but it’s definitely one of them and Jason thinks it’s the funniest thing he’s heard in weeks

[marsafter-dark]

Ok, boomer.

[paintball-writes]

Bio Dad Bruce Wayne Month 2021!

Day 2 - Family

Day1 - Day2 - Day3

Marinette Wayne was the baby of the Family. She loved her brothers to no end.

Maybe a little more because they treated her as the baby.

Being the youngest had both its advantages and disadvantages. On one hand they listened to her every demand. On the contrary they were over protective.

Being the youngest also had other perks. No one could ever say to Marinette. Growing up Marinette was given lots of love by her older siblings. She got everything. She always loved the attention her crazily big family paid her. Don’t get her wrong, She loved her family a lots.

They gave her everything she asked. All she had to do was ask.

A ride in the Batmobile. Done. Modelling her clothes. Done. A baby Tiger. Also done. But mostly Marinette enjoyed spending time with her crazy family.

She loved the gifts and all, But the most? It was spending time together.

Playing pranks, Making gifts for each other, Game nights, Cooking nights.

Yeah those were definitely her most fond moments.

Her father and Siblings tried not to blow up the kitchen. That was something straight out of the funny TV shows for Baby marinette. She always loved her brothers and father trying to cook, and later accidentally blowing up the Kitchen. That was the funniest part. She would fall down laughing while clutching her stomach every single time.

Don’t blame her, Her family managed to do the most impossible things. Setting water on fire, Blowing up an egg in the microwave, Her father couldn’t even make coffee!

And that was funny itself. Marinette loved sitting on a chair and watching her Dad trying to make sense of the Coffee maker. Everytime she ended up laughing out loud.

She also loved doing the trapeze with Dick. Playing pranks on everyone with Jay. Trying to stay up all night with Tim. Walking Titus with Damian. Dancing with Cass. Doing ridiculous things with Stephanie. Watching Babs help through the Comms. Baking with Alfred too.

Also there was another thing she loved the most. Going to WE with her Dad. The Employees were made to sign NDA’s so her Identity wouldn’t get out. Many times she got bored in Dad’s meetings. So she ended up talking to one of the employees while they worked. Marinette was curious about business. So she often ended up with her bombarding a person with Queries. At the end of the Day, her dad would realize she wasn’t with him. That ended with him panicking and announcing on the huge microphones in WE. She enjoyed scaring the shit out of her Dad.

So when it was time to stay with her mother. Everyone ended up crying. Marinette was confused and sad. Did heer family not love her anymore? Did they hate her now? What about Jay-Jay? And Dami? Sure he was four years older than her, but he loved her, Right? She pulled her father’s coat and timidly asked

“Do you all hate me now? Is that why you're sending me away?”

Gasps were heard among many. “No darling, we don't, we love you lots. But your mother gave birth to you right? Don’t you think she wants to meet you too? You can still visit every summer and winter break.We won't miss a single christmas without you. I promise we’ll all call you daily!” Her father says. Yes, that makes sense. She should thank the lady for giving birth to her. Maybe the lady wants to know what she looks like.

“Pinky Promise?”

“Pinky Promise.”

And the promise was kept. Every Summer she ended up with new memories. She also got to thank the lady who gave birth to her. She was her Maman now. And there was Papa too! Marinette hopes that her Dad finds her another Mom! Then she would get to keep two Moms and two Dads! One will always be her Dad, Bruce. Second will be her Maman. Third, her Papa Tom. And fourth her Mom or another lady her Dad finds.

Marinette loved her new life too!! She also missed her Brothers and Sisters and the craziness they brought. She loved cooking with her Maman. Also she loved Baking with Papa. She also had a two year old sister Bridgette! She looked just like her! Now she has a small Sibling. It’ll be just like her and Damian!

Marinette made a lot of friends. Bonded with her sister. Also Introduced her to her Dad!

She had such good friends! She also became a superhero. Her both families knew about that. But all that changed one day. Why? The one and only Lila Rossi.

She took all of Marinette’s friends. Except Chloe, Kagami, Luka and Nathaniel. Chloe is dating Nathaniel. And Kagami is dating Luka. She also has a boyfriend, Jon kent. She started dating him Last year. Her family knew about Lila. So did Bridgette. She always called Lila a Witch.

This year she won't be going to Gotham to visit her family! They will be coming here! She was Psyched. Now Bridgette could meet them in person! She and Bridgette were currently sitting in Le Grand Paris waiting for the Waynes. Her Class was also going to be there. Instead they will be talking with Mr.Agreste. Oh Boy, She was going to enjoy this.

As she was thinking about what her family brought her, They said it was a surprise. They even got Bridgette one! Bridgette wanted to become a Cop, Just like Dick. She wondered if that was related. Maybe a famous cop’s autograph. Ooh maybe Commissioner Gordon’s.He was her role model after all! As she was soaked in her thoughts she missed the group of men wearing suits. Everyone’s Jaw Dropped. Aurore started filming. Her train of thoughts were cut off when she fell down from weight. She looked to see it was Jason Todd.

“Ouch Jay-Jay! Get off!” Marinette shouts. “What? Am I not allowed to hug my Baby Sister anymore?” He asks with fake hurt. “Of course you can! But seriously you are jumping on me!”Marinette Retorts. Then she’s under a dog pile. “I’m gonna join the pile too!!” Bridgette and Damian shout. “Boys get off your sister!” This earns a lot of Gasps. “Thanks Dad, I missed you.” Marinette then hugs her father. “Missed you too.”

“Hey Bridgette, nice to meet you formally!” While the waynes are absorbed in their conversation they miss a class with a teacher and principal coming in and taking a seat. Mr.Agreste is here in person.

“Aren’t those the Waynes? Why are they sitting with Mari-trash?” Lila asks getting a lot of Gasps. “Lets go talk to them, they will make an excellent Buissniess partner.”Mr.Agreste says to Adrien, getting a nod in return. Everyone follows them. The first thing they here is

“-A whole fabric shop for me? Thank you!” Marinette says hugging her Father.

“Is this Commissioner Gordon’s Autograph? That’s so cool!” Bridgette says.

“Mr. Wayne! A surprise seeing you here!” The Waynes turn to see Gabriel.

“Hello Gabriel. A surprise indeed.” Bruce answers smoothly.

“If you don’t mind, What are you doing here?” Gabriel asks.

“Oh, I decided that this year I should visit my daughter in Paris, Instead of the other way around,” Bruce says Patting Marinette’s head.

“She’s your daughter? She has quite a lot of potentiel Mr.Wayne.” Gabriel says Surprised.

“Right? She’s MW! Marinette Wayne!” Bruce exclaimed. Everyone Gasps.

“Oh?I’m glad our kids are such good friends.” Gabriel says fuming to the fact she’s on the top of the Designers list. To his surprise Mr.Wayne Scoffs.

“Good friends? Good Friends? These children bully my daughter on claims of a liar! Your son knows the truth, Yet he let’s kids bully my Daughter!On what note are they Good Friends?” Bruce Fumes. Everyone pales.

“I apologise, I had no idea.” Gabriel says.

“Not your fault. You should pay more attention to your son. Like even I’m a lot of busy. I still make time for my family. Although I'll still be pressing charges against the class and School.”

That’s how Lila’s Reign ended. She loved her Family no matter how much Chaotic they were. Yes she loved them lots.

@maribat-bdbwm

[batarangsoundsdumb]

hae interrogationes multae respondeant quia demens .

if you read this entire ask post you deserve a gold star and financial recompensation

Um, Obviously because when you’re adopted by a white guy you automatically become white duhhh

this is about this post lmao and yeah youre absolutely right, you have to hand your poc card in when you get adopted by a white guy.

Do you think Cass would listen to Yanni, the YouTube channel epic symphonic rock, or some other stuff? There's some cool mashups but idk if that's up your alley, I kinda feel like I'm pushing it with my weird taste of music by recommending an orchestra cover of metal, but i just love that sort of thing and mashups :P @harvestyourcherries 

i haven’t heard of that? but in my personal (correct) opinion steph listens to classical music, and then both modern and older, and then also stuff like black sabbath, iron maiden, but also hardrock and hardcore. i like the idea of cass just liking the most extreme screaming songs full of noise and then also listen to pachelbel’s 370th sonata yanno? THANK YOU for the rec tho

speaking of ur cass playlist hc...reminds of the time (yesterday) i found 2 playlists randomly on spotify from the same user. one was abt 3 hours of instrumental/classical "dark" & "nostalgic" music. the other almost 11 hours of nothing but hardcore bass/synth/electronic music. just an incredible tightrope act to put on in public. the synth one was also called like "psalms for synth sluts" which is Also incredible

tbh i LOVE synth SO MUCH like for no reason at all but then also cannot handle a poppy electronic beat lmao. but this seems like the kinda thing i’d do but just in one (1) playlist bc i just sort songs by vibe instead of genre? that’s how i end up with britney spears and billy ray cyrus in the same playlist. 

Oh, I want Kate Kane playlist next! It would be amazing if you could do one when you have time and will 🙏

how rude would it be of me to just say no? like sorry kate but idk you and also you seem way too keen on the us military for an institution that homophobically targeted you? (and also commits war crimes) but let’s unpack the fact that the institution that caused the death of your mom and sister and also got you blacklisted for being gay is still one you align with???

'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' --- when i tell you i fucking screamed LOL!!!!!!! i can imagine the cameraman not knowing if he should cut to commercial or keep it on these two weirdos fighting on stage (bruce definitely ruffled dick's hair/noogied him right?? 

about this post but yeah lmao. this cameraman just turns to like the audience to get a reaction and it’s just multiple moments of CLEAR shock.

you are the only funny person on this hellsite

how egotistical is it for me to say that i get this ask multiple times a month? bc it literally happens so often it’s hilarious to me.

Wish there was more john/Bruce content 😔😔😔 was so hungry I actually looked at canon media 😔😔😔 (Justice League Dark babeeeyyyyyy)

check out batman: damned for some mediocre content but at least it’s john/bruce (also very interesting story and stuff, just got very >:( over this weird part where harley quinn tried to r*pe bruce or something? it’s not for everyone)

dick grayson but he's nicki minaj

his anaconda don’t want none,,, unless...... 

Dick Grayson was never a cop, he played Marshall on Paw Patrol

you are SO right. also paw patrol is a fucking good show idc. that shit could’ve been the new steven universe on this hellsite.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CS1lI0bLI7-/?utm_medium=copy_link

...

why do people keep reposting my CONTENT. if you are not funny yourself don’t just grab shit off of tumblr and post it on insta,,, get a life. sidenote: should i start an insta and get all these ppl to take my content down that would be funny as hell.

Might I suggest for a Gotham City Meme: something about the true crime fandom thirsting for the rogues gallery

ok can i just say something slightly controversial?? no? i don’t find true crime ppl who are into criminals funny, that shits disturbing irl im not gonna bring that into my very chill universe.

i may have never seen a 'jason cleaning guns in sink' fic but i do know he WOULD

THANK YOU

bestie im sorry to say this to you but while you can, and people do wash their guns in the sink, that is a lot of lead in a very vital part of the kitchen.

people tend to do it in the bathtub.

WHY???? like damn why do you even have guns

i dont think i read many gun sink fics exactly but i have read lots of fics where jason cleanes his guns in the living room. usualy dissembles them and cleans them with a rag i think

lmao fair enough, like i think that’s a large part of what i remember as well.

if you say you've seen/read gun sink fics I believe you. I think those of us who didn't see them are lucky or maybe didn't search for fics by tags or something idk

i mean ive never sought them out but i HAVE seen them,, like definitely i know almost for certain.

saw your tags and I'm interested in Steph/Kara now. They would be the most chaotic couple <3

literally thoooo, i have a wip where they get together in a zombie apocalypse and like UGGGHhhh i am so in love with them.

I am the Breece anon. Thanks for the recommendation; am reading now. I’ve always been a hardcore Superman fan because I love my pure himbo farm boy. My logic is, if one Bruce is a Broose, then multiple Broose are a herd of Breece. And this is a hill upon which I will perish.

fair enough,,,, like moose, meese, goose, geese, bruce, breece. i get your logic and i stand by it as well. (glad you enjoyed the comic recs!!!!)

It's a beautiful day in Gotham, and you are a group of horrible Breece

OH my god dude lmao

there only being 42 fics on ao3 for tim and bernard is honestly so sad i need more

it’s like twice that now!!! we did it lads. (tho very sad that my fic isnt number one but like number 4 :((((  )

i'm too late you already did the poll lol but may i suggest bethy (bernard + timothy)

shit dude that wouldve been so fucking funnyyyyy. think ppl have just stuck to timber tho, tim/bernard kinda died down recently and i think it’s too bad, they’re a great couple and i love them.

Wait, hear me out

Bernothy @redlightofdawn

great recommendation (lmao this ask is from like a month ago) but very sorry to announce that NARDTH is the superior shipname

Wait, we know that bernard likes milfs (Tim's step-mom) but what about dilfs? gilfs?

Wait no, I regret sending that ask

these were two seperate asks and they’re HILARIOUS. in my personal opinion tho,,, milfs, gilfs, dilfs are just about vibes and bernard is just attracted to sexy ppl who may sometimes be milfs, dilfs, or EVEN gilfs.

crime in bludhaven would drop to half if nightwing had a boob window. in this essay i will-

WHERE’S THE ESSAY ANON, WHERE’S THE FUCKING ESSAY

Wait if Barbra and Tim r at opposite ends at all times what happened to Barbra once everyone’s Tim’s ever love before started dying lol

she won a lottery ticket and spent 2 weeks on a resort in the bahamas before returning home and finding out that the joker was arrested for tax evasion and then spent a month staying at her big tiddie goth girlfriend’s house before conner came back to life and she broke her pinkie playing table hockey.

Why is the opposite end thing so funny and compelling to me. Tim comes back from his depression quest for Bruce and Babs is now a literal god

lmao when tim loses his spleen barbara reaches nirvana.

Are you still taking music recs because I have three songs that remind me of Jason that I think you'd like

send to me or lose a toe

🌸 ⭐ put this star into the inbox of your favorite blogs. it’s time to spread positivity! ⭐🌸😋

thanks, i wont tho on account of i wont.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMduBy3Sr/

⬆️

This is the whole of Blüdhaven and everyone anywhere.

Nightwings ass alone saves more people in a calendar year and does more for so society than most heroes do their whole career.Also u are one of the funniest tumblr pages out there. The vibes are unmatched and the memes and tags ✨send me✨.Thank u and goodnight @julia-flow 

fanksss also lmao.

That's going to be a little bit difficult to explain, but

There's some music that you listen to and you think, "oh my gosh, I can perfectly imagine Dick Grayson singing this song, with the same voice as the singer because that voice matches with Dick Grayson"?

oh yeah totally lmao. i have a lot of songs that i think are just entirely dick grayson yanno? kind of all of my playlists have that vibe, but i really find bleachers to fit with dick? idk.

"Lois lane/Superman" fics this, "Lois lane/Clark Kent" fics that, (/lh) let's get into the real good stuff. Some people ship Lois, Clark, and Superman as a throuple. Most popular fic tag for sure

yes totally, i think they’d be absolutely killer on ao3 and clark gets so fucking embarassed about it.

I miss your post, hope you’re doing okay!!

haha this was like 2 months ago, but i was doing fine then too! just didn’t have a lot of inspiration in terms of content.

Doot doot!

noot noot

I’m confused. What did DC do now? Like with nightwing? And another sibling? Please spoil everything for me

lmao they gave him a secret sister plotline where they had his dad cheat on his mom with tony zucco’s wife, bc dick’s life wasn’t traumatic enough yet.

sorry but it's so funny that batman is called "the dark knight" when the gotham city baseball team is called the gotham knights. it'd be like if a vigilante was running around new york called like "the scary yankee"

lmaooo no. but like yankee comes from dutch names or something so wouldnt it be HILARIOUS if gotham knights came from like german names and bruce would be running around called the dark KLAUS UND NIEK @graysonnightwing 

(not a batcest shipper) it’s so funny to me that the responses are “i’m a batcest shipper because i can differentiate fiction from reality and and it doesn’t bother me personally, but i understand why you oils think it’s weird” to “i wish all batcest shippers a very fucking die”

yeah lmaoo. i personally basically flipped my entire stance around to ‘i dont care please leave me and everybody else alone’ bc i think there’s really no point in starting a moral dillema over some fucking fandom bullshit. Please just,,, go home,,, log off, find a nice forest to have a little walk in and remember that somewhere in history, somebody probably died in the place you’re standing. and you will also die someday, and somebody will have to look at your internet usage and see you fighting multiple people anonymously while being named ‘nightwingsbuttchin200186′ like... calm down, we’re all gonna die this is not the thing to worry about.

so since like "wards" don't really exist in modern society almost all the batkids are foster kids, right? i used to work in the system and imagine: monthly visits from social workers and guardian ad litems, bruce having to get permission to take the boys anywhere out of state, calling their social worker at like 8 a.m. like "yeah dick broke his arm again... a gymnastics accident this time...." their poor social worker. bruce send her a huge bouquet and box of chocolates every month to stay on her good side

i imagine the social worker just getting into the case like ‘yeah let’s get this kid a good guardian’ and then ending up having to work with 22 y/o bruce wayne and his 50 y/o dad. and so this social worker is like ‘okay we can work with this, this is the best home i can find’ and then like it ends up landing on its feet and then the kid gets adopted and then they get a call a year later like ‘uhm so hi, this kid tried to steal my tyres can i adopt him?’ and like 3 years later. ‘okay so basically, my neighbours’ kid imprinted on me and now they’re dead, can i keep him?’ two years later it’s like ‘okay so this assassin child-’

ever since I saw that one post of yours, the meme that's something like "I know that abba's backup dancer got me" with a picture of discowing, I've been haunted. Every once in a while I'll be minding my own business then the image of abba's backup dancer dick grayson aka nightwing aka discowing will flash in my mind and I'll be frozen in place. Today at work I was in the middle of folding clothes and suddenly once again discowing entered my mind and I suddenly lost the ability to see anything except He. Thank you.

wow. the IMPACT.

Braver than any US marine man props to you🤝

this shit is about the time i wrote an article on batcest, like man,,, the fact that i didn’t get cancelled is MIRACULOUS. also like,,, uh if anybody on here did gossip on me,, send screenshots i’d love to see it.

Hello, just wanted to say your article was great. Thank you for taking the time to provide an unbaised answer. It should provide people with nuances they couldn't possibly conjure on their own.

May I ask where your username originates from?

yes you may (also thanks!!!) i thought it up when i was trying to find an original username bc i didnt want to be called like ‘timdrakes something something’ or ‘jason todd something smoething’ or ‘dick grayson something something’ yanno? so i thought batarangs, they sound so dumb and that’s my username story... now it’s my whole entire brand lmao.

yno that bit in kick ass where red mist asks kick ass if he wants a hit of his blunt, was that the inspo for stoner tim

no? it’s bc i think stoners are hilarious and drugs are great. (dont do drugs tho) 

How would u feel if someone actually wore one of those bruce or ollie pride shirts u edited

fenomenal next question.

Dick as lil huddy and Jason as James gave me radiation poisoning and now I’m screaming crying throwing up so thx for that

(Rico suave as Tim is perfect tho literally no changes needed)

i was so funny for that shit wasn’t i??? lmao i loved those weird ass fancasts

You're doing the Lord's work by providing us with all these Gotham/Metropolis citizens memes, thank you for being so relentlessly funny @nellethiel-aranel

you’re welcome!! i really enjoy making memes, but getting validation for my content and my memes is REALLY nice.

Bruce is such a slut in your memes and honestly i love that for him @rhodey-rhudert-rhodes-main 

he’s that much of a slut irl too dw.

Bruce and Alfred have an emergency pride flag for the batkids. Oliver Queen printed an emergency "I love my gay son" t-shirt and as soon as Roy told him he was dating Jason, Oliver started wearing that shirt everyday and Roy always cringes when he sees it. Oliver also has an emergency "I love my lesbian daughter" shirt just in case for Cissie.

lmao YES i had a post like this bc like all of their kids/family members are so gayy

stop bringing back batfam fancasts it is not real it is not real it is not- 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

oh yes it is my darling.

did discowing burn down the notredam because he hates the bees? @allulily

no he did it bc fuck the french.

im gonna beg for 1 thing and 1 thing only. please please please put physical by olivia newton john on dick's playlist

okay then beg. bc i wont. physical reminds me too much of glee and that hurts me mentally.

your playlist is sorely missing some Madonna. Specifically Into the Groove, Like a Prayer, and Vogue

i’m scared of madonna that’s why she’s not on there. she haunts me in my dreams.

suggestion: son of batman by aaron dews for dick’s playlist🤩

sorry, i listened to it and the vibe didn’t agree with me.

Hear me out, metropolis citizens sending rare pair fics of Clark Kent x Superman fics to Lois to edit

yes, absolutely hilarious. even more funny if they send like physical copies, no address attached and lois sends it back marked with red ink, SOMEHOW

Imagine all the smut Clark must of read editing the fics

clark reads smut confirmeeed

NOT LOIS READING SUPERBAT PORN AND EDITING IT A 2AM 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

hc that alfred is a meta that boosts healing factor of the people around him. if the bats are injured as much as they seem to be they would be doing bat stuff MAYBE half the year. no one including alfred knows about this. whenever the kids move out they inexplicably dont recover from injuries as fast and feel better whenever they visit the manor they just chalk it up to homesickness. bruce just thinks he heals really fast. alfred thinks everyone doesnt take care of themselves properly @finchcollector

that’s actually such a great idea, but i think that alfred would find out and learn how to concentrate it better so he can help more people, bc he’s great and i love him.

One of your dickfast posts reminded me of that tweet that goes: 'so you've had sex how many times? Yeah technically that's not a bromance' lol that's dickwally or dickroy

literally tho. like that’s all of dick’s friendships. once it gets past a certain time dick is like ‘wow i wonder what it would be like to make out with wally, wally come make out with me’ and wally’s like ‘we’ve done this like 40 times, dick, you know what it’s like’ and dick is like ‘sorry are you complaining?’ and they just make out.

superfam and batfam associations??

-batman and superman

-dick/barabara and supergirl?

-conner and tim

-jon and damian

pls enlighten me I am confused

nope,,, uhm batman and superman, but dick and superman as well, and then conner and tim, jon and damian and steph + babs with supergirl

I came across a fic in which Wonder Woman calls Batman "Stella" (like Stellaluna, the children's book) and I can imagine the batkids hop on the trend and maybe copies of the book appear at random places (aka, everywhere Bruce frequents)

sorry can’t reciprocate that was the name of my high school chemistry teacher and it gives me nightmares to think about.

good human what are your pronouns?

wouldn’t you like to know?

I need me some gothamites preferring harley over joker memes

everyone prefers harley over joker youre just very fucked up if you dont

don't understand why people try to add like veteran policy to the batfamily

dick pulling out his veteran batfam member card so he can eat first: step aside, peasants

Do you know the song Simmer by Haley Williams? It (the first verse anyways) reminds me of Jason? It's about rage.

damn yeah i LOVE HAYLEY!!!! youre right thoo

Okay so I like listen to your stoner Tim Drake playlist 24/7 but would he listen to skegss? Also I keep adding songs mentally it’s killing me 😩✋🏼 Anyways,, I literally love and worship your playlist 😃🤞🏼 And uh yeah have a good day ✨

stoner tim drake playlist is lyfeeee. also dont know who skeggs is? i’m stupid? have a good day!!

All the Robins (and Batgirl) decide to trade costumes for one night just to fuck with Batman and all the villains in Gotham. @subspacecadet 

batman knows it’s them youknow but like,,, what does he call them? he’s like ‘red hood?’ and 3 people answer and he’s not about to compromise some identities so he’s just Pissed.

I aspire to treat cops the way my dad treats them. This man is a 45 year old Asian immigrant to the US and the treats them like his pets. He talks about them like unruly children. Sometimes he pays off local cops to shut up and stop acting racist. And usually it works. I don’t know why but I can see Oliver Queen doing this

vibes... and also yes? oliver queen handing a local cop a donut to shut the fuck up lmao. but yanno i commit enough crimes to not really want to ever see a cop ever, so they kinda scare the everloving fuck out of me.

seeing as tim hasn't aged in years, that means he was 17 at peak emo tumblr era. im back on my emo tim bullshit and im not letting it go

emo tim had a wattpad account send tweet

People seem to think that batman is so dark and serious when the rainbow batsuit is right there. He wore it with no shame.

dude the 60s were a DIFFERENT TIME

dick grew up in a circus, jason grew up on the streets, and tim was probably raised by the internet

all of them cuss every other word and you cannot tell me otherwise

bitch i KNOW but dc has to change to an 18+ rating if they want to sell comix with swear words in them so we gotta deal with imagining the swear words in ourselves

thoughts on teen titans and young justice

haven’t seen teen titans on account of havent seen it and young justice was LITERALLY my favourite thing ever, tho i do gotta admit it’s not at all similar to the young justice comics unfortunately. i really wouldve liked to see timmy bart kon cassie and cissie animated on tv!!

ew ew ew how to delete batcest shippers I genuinely digust them

log off tumblr?

Okay as poc who was called racist for calling an Italian pastabrain: in the batfam are Italians bit Damian just yells various insults about the others being Italian. Just him yelling “What are you doing you moronic spaghettihead!” At steph etc

huh? i meant real italians. homeboy is telling steph he hopes she chokes on her fucking garlic.

I think it's dumb as hell to pull the batman is the best fighter in the batfam argument because like it's just irresponsible of Bruce to let his kids fight when they couldn't possibly be on his league or something

fair enough, but also like who cares they could all kill you just sit down and take a beating.

lady shiva, thalia al ghul and Selina Kyle are all milfs @notanothertimburtonenthusiastugh 

unfortunately, i have to admit,,, you’re right

why tf didn't someone give joker a death sentence already? like he's a mass murderer...give him the electric chair treatment wtf

idk i think plenty of people would have tried to murder him already (boring answer is: he is a popular character so they can’t kill him off bc he brings in lots of money)

There’s no such thing as “ copaganda”.

all american media is propaganda. happy to clear this up for you

is it bad that I find lady shiva owa owa

no. find her as owa owa as you want.

aight I'm guessing the order of your favs in batfam:

1. tim

2. Steph

3. dick

4. Duke

5. the rest

you’re wrong but it’s cute that you tried, i generally don’t have favourites, but i have a special place in my heart for steph, tim, dick and cass. bc they were like my introduction to batfam. but damian, jason, duke, bruce, babs and alfred are NOT FORGOTTEN OR UNLOVED

oh my god i was literally just readily willing to believe that italians werent white ty for clarifying it was a joke im so dumb sdkvjskdfs

i mean some italians aren’t white? italian is a nationality as well as an ethnicity, so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

since I saw so many people doing headcanons about the nationalities of batboys, I see Dick as an Italian.

dont know if youre serious or not, but sure.

super random but

jason 🤝 damian

old english

lmao fair enough.

tim absolutely has 1 gay uncle and his parents shit talk said uncle all the time so after bruce adopts him he specifically reaches out to this uncle to be like "heyyyy just so you know you majorly influenced my life yes i know i havent seen you since i was 5 and at the family reunion yes i know you dont remember my name idc thank you im gay too" and then they never talk again.

yuppp lmao that’s definitely something that could happen. i can also consider tim having no family members, like none. until he does like a dna test and he realises he has like an aunt living barely 2 miles away from him who’s like some illegitimate child of his grandpa.

I dare you one of them sends clark superman/clark fic and clark corrects the shit out of it and then goes like ps his dick is not that big, just telling as someone who has seen it. internet either explodes or goes who tf did he not fuck at this point.

i think everybody would call clark a buzzkill and try to cancel him over that.

so you're telling me Tim Drake wouldn't buy Starbucks?

no. dunkin donuts all the way

One of my favorite things is imagining people finding out jason came back from the dead and being like "oh no does he have magic powers now?!?!?" and he just pulls out a gun and tries to shoot joker

now he doesn’t even have the gun :) lmao

my favorite batfamily fanfictions are the ones where they use their shitty codenames, unironically, in any context

bruce gets codename ‘ugh’ everytime. he hates it.

crazy that tim being a 17 y/o ceo and a stoner who does brand deals are all actual canon things written in detective comics comics and not made up for shits and giggles by you, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb @rowdeyclown

SO CRAZY HUH?

batman au where everything is the same but his utility belt is bright pink

absolutely, but i raise you, his boots light up like sketchers when he kicks people.

unbeknownst to the superhero fandom writers in the dcuniverse, clark and BRUCE are one of the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag on ao3. clark writes the best lois x superman angst, full of unhappy endings and scenes that are a so detailed you'd think you were in the middle of a superhero beatdown. bruce made an ao3 account to fuel "the do the butts match" thing, and makes batman/bruce fics from time to time. he wrote a superbat fic as a joke but ended up making it REAL porny. @concrastinator

dude they’re WAY too busy for that. Oliver Queen and Hal Jordan on the other hand are the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag writing what is Mostly porn.

When the dining table topic gets to politics, Steph says "eat the rich" as the solution

bruce just silently takes away her fork and knife while she’s talking.

[bartistic]

@redrobinperiodt requested Tim Drake Angst so here we go

- - - - -

CW: Panic Attack, blood, injury, head injury, Joker, self-loathing

Tim felt sick to his stomach as the night rolled and tossed around him. He was breathing very hard— possibly, no, probably on the verge of a panic attack. He clenched his fists, which seemed stuck to his sides. Okay, five things you can see—

He opened his eyes. He couldn’t see anything. Not just pitch black, but darker. True, deep, nothingness black. With his mask on, though, he couldn’t tell whether he was blinded, blindfolded, or simply in a very dark room.

He could vaguely feel his limbs, which could be a good or bad sign. He couldn’t remember whether it ought to be a good or bad sign. With a numb hand he attempted to reach up to his face to check for a blindfold, but doubled over in pain as his arms met ropes instead. The movement stretched a wound he didn’t know he had, slick wet fluid making his clothes tacky.

Or maybe the fluid was something else entirely? Now that he was more tuned in, he noticed the smell. It was hard to believe he hadn’t noticed it before— the invasive and sluggish stench of Gotham’s sewers. He shifted his feet, hearing a soft and wet shlop echo through the wide chambers. He could hear the dripping of the condensation now, and the bustle of the city outside. Was it daytime? Tim couldn’t recall. He couldn’t hear anything out of the usual for the sewers... Killer Croc was still in Arkham, last time he checked, and without him the sewers were a relatively quiet, if definitely toxic, affair.

So the question remained: why was he in the sewers? He couldn’t recall how he got there— wracking his brain, the last memory he could think of was leaving to patrol. He couldn’t remember the last time he actually saw any of his family outside of uniform... He had his own apartment now. Where he could be a slob in peace, and not have to worry about sharing the coffee pot.

Shifting his arms served a dual purpose— it helped him to attempt to shimmy out of his bonds, gasping in pain all the while, and to feel the rope itself. The knot was surprisingly easy to loosen... suspiciously easy, in fact. With his arms free, Tim reached for his face, careful to mind the wound on his side.

He was relieved to find a blindfold tied securely over his mask. It was giving him a bit of a headache, actually, so it was a relief to pull it down. He carefully brushed past a tender bump that was sticky with blood.

Tim blinked, his eyes adjusting to the light— dim light, for sure, but enough to confirm his surroundings. He looked down at his feet. They were padlocked together, with a literal ball and chain attached and sitting in the muck a few feet away. He leaned back against the wall, which was moist (as expected. Ew.), and slid down the grungy bricks into a squat. Taking the lock picks out of his mask, he began to work at picking the padlock. With a finger, he absentmindedly brushed his hair out of the way behind his ear.

His ear, which ought to have a comms unit in it. Why didn’t it?

Breaking free of the lock he lifted a foot to step forward, but was stopped by a cackle. A familiar cackle.

A laugh familiar to any Gothamite, and more than familiar to any Bat.

“Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you, little birdie. A ha ha. Hee hee. OOH HOO HOO HOO we— we wouldn’t want to spoil the main event before we even got ready now would we? No, ha, we want to wait for the rest of the little birdies to come along and play before we can BLOW YOU ALL SKY HIGH AH ha HEE HEE,”

Sure enough, as Tim looked beneath the grime under his feet, he could see a pressurized plate. A mine, that would go off if he even shifted his balance too much to the side. There was a countdown on it as well, set to 18 mins and 20 seconds. 19 seconds. 18 seconds.

Tim was suddenly very glad he had only shifted his feet a little bit earlier, and while picking the lock.

“That is... if they even come for you. I don’t see, ha, why they’d care about such a miserable little bird! Look,” the Joker attempted to pout as he came prancing into view, “his poor wings are all soggy. Naughty naughty oil slicks, gooping up the birdies wings so they can’t fly! HAHAHA!” He leaned in close to Tim, using his hands to lift the sides of his cape, drenched in raw sewage, and flapping them. Tim stiffened slightly, preparing to attack, but the Joker stepped back, holding a small remote in his hand. “Ooh, good one boy blunder! You switch places with me, and I’ll press this lil button here! It does just the HA the funniest thing, y’see... it’ll set off a nice little chain reaction that will make the whole sewer go BOOM! HA HA HEE HA!” Joker pranced around, kicking sewage everywhere, splattering onto the walls, onto Tim, even onto his own purple suit. “Now let’s see. How shall we pass the time while we wait for dear old Daddy Bats to realize you’re missing? I think we ought to have a few days or so... HA! I ought to have a few days. You, ha, don’t have that much time, babybird.” Tim wasn’t sure where the clown had heard that nickname, but it made him sick to his stomach. Or maybe that was just the almost certain concussion. “Now how about a game of Go Fish?” Joker pulled a deck of cards out of his suit pocket. He shuffled them haphazardly, most of them falling into the lazy brown river below. They were all Jokers.

Tim’s attention was brought back to the man himself as the clown roughly grasped his hand, forced it open, and placed in it a hand of cards. Then with the same about of force, he shut the hand. Tim let out a stuttered inhale at the pain in his side. “Now, do you know how to play Go Fish?” Tim glared, but didn’t say anything. “So what you’re HA gonna do is, you’re gonna say a card. Like this:” he did a nasally, whiny imitation of Tim’s voice, “Do you have any sevens, Mr. Joker sir? And then *I* get to say NO!” He cackled and shoved Tim’s head all the way into the ground, through the sewage. Hard. Tim sputtered and flailed and desperately tried to keep balance as a spindly yet strong hand held his head in place. It was like a more tortuous version of the swirlies he’d never had to endure, but had heard about on the internet. “Go fish! A HA HA HEE HOO HEH. You’re no fun.” Tim’s head lolled on his neck, feeling too heavy to hold up. “I’m going to go hunt down some more friends for us to play with, alrighty? Have fun while I’m gone! Or don’t. HEE HEE HA HOO HOO!” The Joker kicked tim’s head from where he was kneeling on the ground. Then he left.

Tim’s thoughts were swirling, much like the muck they were surrounded by. It had to be daytime by now, surely Bruce and the others would have noticed he was missing. But would they? Asked another part of his brain. You’re the forgotten Robin, the unimportant one, you’re not even a real part of the family. Dick created the role, Jason died for it, Damian was born for it, what were you? Were you even needed? You just shoved yourself into their lives and everything became all the worse because of it. When’s the last time you’ve spoken to them, any of them? They don’t want to even be near you. They all hate you. They’ve noticed you’re gone alright, but whatever would make them want to come find you?

Tim settled onto the plate. 10 minutes, 57 seconds. He closed his eyes and tried to not think.

He didn’t know how long it was until he heard voices again.

“Hey assholes, I found him! He’s over here! He’s... oh fuck Timmy, that’s a lot of blood. You’re okay. Batman apprehended the bastard. I’ll kill him for you later though, okay babybird?” Tim shuddered at the nickname, letting out what could be called a whimper. “We got you, we’re taking you home.” Home. What was home. The manor? He looked up, head swaying. Red Hood was crouched in front of him, hands out in a placating gesture. He was flickering at the edges. Great, a caffeine-withdrawal-induced hallucination.

“No... y’ can’t...” He mumbled under his breath, his voice scratchy and dry-feeling. “Y’r not real. Y’r not coffee.” Jason— the hallucination— looked concerned. Tim felt a pressure on his head. He yelped. “G’t away... Y’ll set off th’ bomb...” The hallucination-possible-not-a-hallucination-jason cussed. Tim let out a soft huff of laughter. Who knew his imagination was so colorful.

“B, there’s a bomb here. We need immediate extraction and medical for Red Robin, I’ll do what I can to defuse it.”

“Pr’ssure Plate...” Tim murmured before he was under once more. And then there was shouting, and slapping of his face, which made his neck hurt and his face sting.

“No, you are not falling asleep on me! Dammit B, get here now!” Tim had never been the best at following orders. And he was running on no caffeine. He was going to take a nap now, and nobody could stop him.

Flashes.

Strong arms holding him, carrying him through the sewers.

Shouting from someone who sounded a lot like Dick, but that was impossible, because Dick wasn’t there.

Strong arms holding him, loading him into a car, careful of his head.

A squeeze from a small hand. “You are not going to die by the hand of that clown, Drake, I will not allow it.”

Pressure on his stomach, overwhelming pressure and pain and he was jackknifing and fighting whoever was pressing on his wound and there was more screaming but this screaming was him.

Finally, a steady beeping. He opened his eyes, then immediately shut them again. Too bright. He wished he had his Robin shades. He snuffled his nose and heard a noise in return. Someone at his bedside, then. He grunted. There was a gasp.

“Too bright. H’rts.” He watched from behind his eyelids as the flourescent lights were turned off with a click. Then he hazarded opening his eyes again. Bruce was sitting, asleep in a chair by the side of the bed, clearly in a very uncomfortable position. Tim had no doubts he’d had worse. At the door were Dick, Duke, and Stephanie. They looked as if they wanted to talk to him but didn’t want to risk waking a sleeping batman. Damian was at the light switch. Tim was officially confused. Fuck the sleeping Batman, he wanted answers. “J’ker?”

Dick scowled. “Arkham. Although he definitely won’t be out again for a while after Hood’s through with him.”

Cass spoke up from the other side of the room, “Wheelchair.”

Tim nodded. “Bomb?”

“It was a dud.” Tim frowned. That made no sense. Also, they were definitely hiding something.

“How long w’s i out?”

“4 days. You flatlined two times. Between the wound in your side getting infected by fucking sewage water and your memory-hazy brain injury, it’s a miracle you survived.” Steph looked angry. Then she began to cry. “You asshole! You almost died!” She looked as if she wanted to either hug him or punch him, but neither were a feasible option for the moment, so she settled on sniffing angrily at her tears and then purposely walking out. “I’m going to go make coffee. For myself.”

————

whoo boy that’s all i got in me tonight. thanks for the request lol!

[rickriordanfandam]

opinions on riordanverse ; my edition

a lot of people have been doing this so i decided why not right. probably gna lose some followers or smth but anyways. pls respect my opinions! if u disagree, thats fine, but please be polite. unless any of my opinions strikes u as morally wrong then pls point it out to me respectfully. thanks!

- i actually liked drew. im so sorry to everyone who hates her but full offence, why. think about it this way ok, first of all drew became hc because silena died. silena was the traitor, the one who betrayed chb, yet after she died campers celebrated her as a hero? and then drew suddenly has to replace her and live up to idk that legacy she left behind,, when all of a sudden this girl named piper swoops in and takes her place. idk abt u but i wld be salty abt that too. not only that, but as an asian, the chances of drew having faced racism/bullying as a child is pretty high (she studies at brooklyn academy). which means that when she finds out shes a demigod, and arrives at chb where most of the campers are white (this is an assumption btw), she’d obviously be scared of being bullied for her skin color right?? so the first thing she wld do before the campers get to bully her is to bully them before they can do so. (sentence structure here is wack i apologize) ofc this might not even have happened, drew could have had a perfect childhood && was a b1tch for no reason, BUT EVEN THEN HER ROLE AS A BULLY WAS PRETTY VITAL BECAUSE THAT FURTHER SHOWED THE CONTRAST BETWEEN HER AND PIPER,, HIGHLIGHTING PIPER AS A HERO//GOOD CHARACTER,, AND THEREFORE MAKING READERS LIKE PIPER MORE. anyway stop hating on drew please. ALSO WHY IS THIS SO LONGA SDFJHG

- jason isnt bland, the fandom just kinda erased his backstory (thanks to @pjohoo-memes for the phrasing lol)

- reynabeth wouldnt have lasted/would have broken up several times. idk i just see them as two extremely powerful characters who have firm opinions and will definitely clash at some point. in a platonic relationship,, i can see them as really good friends but as lovers? idk i just think theyll break up

- PIPABETH

- i dont really like jercy,, i see them as better friends than lovers. also idt jason and percy were that close..?

- the dam and not my type jokes are srsly cringey and were never funny. ik that seems hypocritical since my username literally makes use of the dam joke but honestly i dont actually like the joke. its not funny to me and has never been funny

- the seven were not best friends. they definitely argued,, and honestly probably werent as close as the fandom makes them seem. like ure dumped with 6 other people, out of which u only know a few. my introverted ass would have jumped off the argo 2 quicker than leo valdez could bomb camp jupiter up. also leo was a dick to frank. so what if frank is bigger sized?? thats not a valid reason to tease him

- the fandom needs to stop hating on octavian while worshipping luke. if u hate luke and u say u hate octavian too, then okay. but if u tell me ure a luke stan but u despise octavian?? imma disagree w u. luke was worse than octavian im sorry. first of all, octavian being a dick was kinda justified. hes been after the praetor position for so long, and everyone keeps saying to “wait for jason” when suddenly this dude, whos a son of NEPTUNE (neptune wasnt liked much by romans), and the camp decides to make him praetor?? dude i would be pissed off big time. and then afterwards, he finds out that greek demigods are real and the dude they made praetor is greek. AND THEN GREEK DEMIGODS COME TO CJ AND ONE OF THEM BOMB IT UP?? octavian has been told all his life that greeks are scum and this dude called leo valdez attacks cj. sure it was an accident, but did octavian know that? no. so it was honestly justified that he was such a salty prick im just saying. also some of yall be hating on octavian for cutting a teddy bear open and thats the funniest shit ive ever heard i swear 

- luke didnt go to elysium

- travis and connor stoll r way too underrated. the two have been head counselors of the hermes cabin since luke was revealed as a traitor, can u imagine the stress? luke, the person they probably looked up to as a brother, betrayed them. and they didnt even have time to process this when they were  thrown the roles of being hcs. that would have been so stressful and i would probably have broken down if i were them. the stoll brothers taking turns to wake up at ungodly hours because a new camper is crying and homesick and terrified, the stoll brothers having to comfort and take care of new campers, having to deal with the amount of people in that cramped space because not enough campers are being claimed fast enough. having to resolve issues between campers in the hermes cabin all the time. the stolls arent just comedic relief, and we need to stop treating them as such

- tratie shldve been canon idc idc

- demigods of the demeter cabin arent talked about enough and i love the fact that meg was demeters kid. like she isnt the child of one of the big three yet shes so powerful.

- we need to hype clarisse up more her character arc was phucking amazing 

- rachel is overhated. sis found out greek gods exist and regularly come down to earth to fuck around and went “ok cool”. queen shit behavior methinks

- the floor 19 crew of mcga is srsly underrated. like do u even remember halfborn gunderson, mallory keen, tj, etc??? bc i feel like we only remember samirah, magnus, alex, and sometimes blitz and hearthstone

- sadie (tkc) was kinda annoying at first. i like her more now tho but i rmb not liking her for a phat while

- tkc and mcga need more love

- carter kane and jason grace arent boring. theyre just really sweet boys who are too good for this world and yes yes yes 

- hazel and frank (especially frank) need to be hyped up more. i hardly ever see anything about them. also yall seem to forget that frank was literally made praetor and that even hecate admired hazel and was willing to fight beside her because of how powerful she was

- frazels age gap is kinda sketch but i still think theyre really cute

- nico definitely had trauma from going to tartarus on his own

- GROVER IS PERCYS BEST FRIEND

- annabeth isnt smarter than leo but neither is leo smarter than annabeth. ive seen a lot of discussions about who is smarter and heres my hot take on it: neither. theyre equally smart, just in different ways. leos a genius mathematically speaking. he has no issues solving math problems meant for people much, much older than him. annabeth on the otherhand, is great at strategies etc. she can make an army of 1000 more powerful than the enemy, even if theyre outnumbered. so in my opinion, both are equally as smart//u cant compare their intelligence, because their talents lie in two different areas.

- while i do agree rick riordan isnt a god and that hes bound to make mistakes,, AND that hes given us a lot of representation,, if the representation offends the people its sposed to represent, then theres a problem. im talking about piper as a poc and wearing feathers in her hair. im not a poc, so i cant speak for them on whether or not its wrong, because i dont know either. HOWEVER, i have seen multiple posts BY pocs talking about how they didnt really like rick’s representation of piper, and thats an issue. pocs have been and are still oppressed and discriminated against by many. as a white cis man, we cant really blame him for not knowing (tho he could have done a research,, asked some pocs,, idk), but by representing pocs in that manner, hes influencing impressionable kids/teens into thinking “oh pocs wear feathers in their hair all the time” etc, which isnt true. the pjo/hoo series is extremely successful, and kids who read the books will probably start forming inaccurate opinions on pocs. the amount of fan art that depicts piper with feathers in her hair dont help either. “but rick said so in the books, so its canon” yeah well rick isnt a god and he can get some things wrong at times. im not saying we should cancel him, im saying we should start educating ourselves and not spread false info like pocs wearing feathers in their hair all the time. also that snake song shit where she sang Summertime was just- yeah. bc heres the thing you can be racist, and still include minorities, but portray them in a racist way. And even then, ignorance isn't a thing to admire. Getting those facts wrong still has a major impact. It continues to perpetuate racist stereotypes.

“ With the feather thing, I looked it up myself; it takes less than five minutes to figure out that Cherokees don't braid feathers into their hair. I didn't grow up in the country where my parents are from. I have many other first/second generation American friends who have also been through that, with a bit of a disconnect from their culture. But something that most of us have in common is that when we didn't know something, and when our parents weren't that big of a help, we looked it up. We sought out resources online and through other people from our culture to be able to connect more with where we came from. Some of that took a Google search. So I find it hard to believe that Piper, a girl who Rick's trying to portray as someone who is attempting to connect with her culture and is totally against racist stereotypes, wouldn't know that eagle feathers aren't supposed to be braided into your hair casually. She may be disconnected from her culture, but she's also shown to want to connect back to it. Piper wouldn't be casually braiding feathers into her hair while also telling off people for being racist. It makes no sense.” - reddit thread (down below) 

for those of yall who wanna know more please please read this, it has a lot of things i wanna add in here : https://www.reddit.com/r/camphalfblood/comments/gy3gl2/piper_mcleans_portrayal_is_innacurate/ 

as well as https://finding-my-culture.tumblr.com/post/189422373260/maxie-ratties-and-cattie-finding-my-culture 

i will be posting screenshots of these in future posts so if ure viewing this on ig and u dont have tumblr,, dont worry 

- the fact that most of the strong female characters in the series refuse to be “girly”, and ngl i dont really like that. just because ure girly doesnt mean u cant be strong. 

- piper would have been a great way for him to start making the strong characters act girlier, but instead he went with the “I’m not like other girls” trope which is quite obnoxious to hear constantly, and I don’t think it’s necessarily great for younger girls to read that idea growing up.  the closest we've ever had to a strong female character who was also into "girly" things was Silena. when I was younger I admired Piper's "I'm not like other girls" thing, but then I got older and realized that the whole mentality of "not like other girls" is super obnoxious, and a little bit toxic

i have a heck load more that i cant rmb rn but yeah feel free to add more 

[obxlife]

Feelings (Rafe x Reader)

A/N: So since I had so many Rafe requests I decided to combine them! I hope that’s fine with everyone that requested! Also, this story happens before episode 1!! Just keep that in mind. I just realized I didn’t completely follow the request! I’m so sorry! I don't really know how to change it so that it can fit the request :(

Pairing: Rafe x Reader

Word count: 3,107

Request 1: could do write something about rafe? i know he's a dick but i kinda like him. i think he's only bad because of his dad and he's truly kind on the inside :/

Request 2: Maybe Rafe and the reader are at the same party at The Boneyard and he dips off to be by himself and she notices and tries to ask if he’s okay - but he’s tries to play it off like nothing and she offers herself up if he needs anyone to talk to. Later on he decides to find her and confide in her and they spend the night talking and stuff??? Hmm idk not sure if that made sense 😂

Warnings: Alcohol, swearing, daddy issues (lol)

FEELINGS

The keggers at the Boneyard had started again. You had received a text on your phone from Scarlet, who said a friend of a friend of a friend had told her that John B Routledge and his friends had been and were headed down towards the beach. 

You called Sarah up at once, knowing that she would most definitely go. 

You listened to the tone beep twice before the phone was picked up. 

“Hey, Sarah,” you greeted. 

“This isn’t Sarah,” a deep voice said, which you identified at once.

“Hey, Rafe,” you said more hesitantly. 

It was well known around Figure Eight that you and Rafe did not get along. At all. 

The year you had been born, a large group of Kook moms that got along had decided that their upcoming children would all be friends. This meant hanging out with Scarlet, Sarah, Kelce, Topper, and many more Kookish kids every single day. By the time you were all five, you thought you were best friends forever. And you were. Just not forever. 

It was around that same age that Rafe began to tease you. He was a big eight-year-old kid who liked bugging his sister and pushing her around a bit for fun. And in turn, that meant he bothered you. 

In the beginning, it wasn’t anything serious. You actually found it a bit funny. It would be simple things like tugging your hair softly until you got annoyed at him, or just poking you enough times to make you storm out of the room. 

“Rafe!” you would shriek, which would always make him laugh. 

But then Rafe had pushed it too far. 

It was the middle of summer between fourth and fifth grade, which meant Rafe was about to go into his last year of middle school. You had been hanging around the Cameron house that afternoon, watching movies with Sarah, cooped up in her room. 

More specifically you had been watching Jaws (which looking back now looked completely fake but back then had been terrifying). Because of this, when you and your friend had walked down to the dock where Rafe and his friends were, you most definitely did not want to jump in the water. 

“We just don’t want to, Rafe.”

But Rafe wasn’t having any of it. He wanted both of you to stop being boring. Especially you. He thought you were the funniest person to have around. So when you had stopped paying attention to him, Rafe sneaked up behind you and pushed you right into the water. 

You freaked the fuck out. 

When your face emerged from the water, tears and snot were running down your face as you tried to pull yourself onto the dock again. However, Rafe, encouraged by his laughing friends, tore your fingers away from the ladder and continued to push you back in. 

Sarah tried to step forward and help you out, but one of Rafe’s friend, Jason, was holding her back, having a laugh at how scared you were. 

“You are such a crybaby,” they were screaming out. Finally, Sarah managed to break free from Jason’s grasp and ran towards the ladder, pushing Rafe into the ocean and tugging you onto land. She grabbed one of the boy’s towel and began to help you dry off. 

Tears were still on your face as Rafe emerged from the water. Staring at you he began to feel guilty, but he wasn’t about to show that around his friends. He was too cool for that.

He pushed himself onto the dock where his friends were still teasing you and tried to apologize through his eyes.

You didn’t notice. All you could think about was the humiliation you had gone through. So as quickly as Rafe stepped back onto the dock, you turned around and left, only followed by Sarah. Behind you, you could hear everyone still making fun of you. 

“What a crybaby,” they teased. 

The next time you saw Rafe and his friends, they greeted you very differently than they had before. 

“Hey, Crybaby.”

And just like that, you had been branded as ‘Crybaby’ to the whole preteen Kook community. And the worst part of it all, the nickname still lasted until this day. 

“Hey, Crybaby,” came Rafe’s reply through the phone. 

You hadn’t let the name bother you for a while now. Sarah had reassured you it was just a name, and that everybody knew you were much more than that. However, you were still pissed at Rafe for turning you into the laughing stock of the Kooks in your groupage. 

“Can you put Sarah on the phone?”

Rafe made a sound that sounded similar to a whimper. “I’m offended you don’t want to talk to me!”

You sighed before stating flatly, “Rafe, I haven’t wanted to talk to you ever since you made the ‘Crybaby’ thing happen.”

Rafe laughed a little before saying, “What? I thought you loved being called ‘Crybaby’.”

“Ha, ha,” you belted out sarcastically. “Where did you even get that idea, Rafe?”

Now it was the boy’s turn to sigh. “Fine, I’ll put Sarah on the phone.”

As Rafe stood up to search for Sarah (she had left her phone on the kitchen counter), he tried to ignore the guilt he felt about your whole situation. He had branded you as ‘Crybaby’ and he had never even said sorry despite how he felt. 

“Just forget it, bro,” Jason would tell him when he voiced his thoughts out. “She’s probably super over it, anyways.”

Rafe would only shake his head and say, “I don’t think so, man.”

“Dude,” Jason would groan out. “It’s not like everybody thinks she’s really a crybaby. I mean, everybody knows how badass she is.”

Rafe wouldn't look at him, but continue staring straight ahead. 

“Rafe, the name just stuck. Sort of like a nickname. Chill.”

But Rafe could never get you completely out of his mind. 

Reaching Sarah’s room, he knocked on the door (he did this ever since he had once walked in on her and Topper making out). Once he heard Sarah answer, he opened the door and tossed her the phone that he had been clutching between his fingers. 

“It’s Y/N.”

He closed the door behind him and stomped to his room. Sometimes he would wonder if the reason you never left his mind was that he was guilty about you or if it was something else.

As you finished relaying to Sarah what Scarlet had told you she agreed, on the condition that they could get ready at her house because she had some things to do before you the party. 

“Yeah, sure,” you replied. “Just make sure Rafe stays off my ass.”

She laughed. “Will do.”

***************************************************

You were not in a comfortable position. However, you were too lazy to move.

“Sarah!” you shouted up the stairs. “Hurry up! We’re like super late.”

From beside you, Topper squeezed his temples. “God, Y/N. Do you have to be so loud?”

You rolled your eyes, knowing he was prissy because Sarah had been acting out recently and he didn't want her to do that.

Suddenly, you heard steps coming down the stairs. You stood up, brushing off your outfit (which you were totally rocking) and turning towards the door.

“C’mon, Princess,” you called out to her but were surprised to see hear a deep voice answer. 

“Is she still not ready?” Rafe asked looking at Topper, who just shook his head. 

“Ugh,” you groaned. “What are you doing here?”

Rafe shrugged, looking into your eyes with a teasing smile. “I’m going to the party with you guys.”

You rolled your eyes again, exhausted from having dealt with him for two seconds already. 

“Relax, Crybaby,” he teased. “Or are you going to start crying about it?”

You glared at Rafe, and he thought he might just combust from the heat in your eyes. Rafe raised his arms and made a funny face as if to indicate he would back off. 

And then, finally, Sarah trudged into the room. Noticing the tension in the air, she turned directly to the door and called out for the rest to follow her. 

The drive to the party was awkward, but a song had played on the radio as if to try to cover it up. Rafe and Top were in the front, as you checked your Instagram stories, showing one to the blonde girl beside you every once in a while. 

When you arrived at the beach you jumped out of the car before Rafe had even pulled to a stop. 

“Hey,” he called out, but you didn't turn around. 

Once at the beach, you headed towards the center of the crowd of teenagers, where you recognized a couple of faces.

For a Kook, you got on surprisingly well with Kiara Carrera and her friends, even if you were still close to Sarah. 

“Hey,” you smiled at them JJ, a blond boy with blue eyes, already began to move towards the plastic cups so that you could have a drink. 

“Hey, Y/N!” Pope said. That was what you liked about them. They had never, not once, called you ‘Crybaby’. It was a break from your everyday life. 

“You guys been busy, tonight?” you wondered as John B took the cup from JJ and filled it to the brim with beer. 

They all nodded as Kie said, “Busiest party all summer, that’s for sure.”

“Nice!” you said before taking a big gulp of your drink. “Are you staying here the whole night?”

JJ shook his head. “I’m going over there right now,” he pointed towards a group of Tourons. You let out a laugh before turning to the rest of your acquaintances. You cocked an eyebrow.

“Nah,” John B answered instead. We’ll probably leave now that you’re here.”

You placed on an offended mask but knew exactly what he meant. If you were there, the rest of the Kooks were too, meaning that a fight was sure to rise if they clashed. 

“I get it,” you told them before looking around. “Well, I’ll be off. I really want to dance.”

And with that, you left towards the dance floor.

It wasn’t until you were three beers in and two hours of dancing later that you noticed Sarah and Rafe off towards the side of the Boneyard. You began to approach them to see if something was wrong. However, before you could reach them, Sarah had stormed off into Topper’s arms. 

You froze, about to go back to the party until you noticed Rafe taking a seat at an even greater distance from the Boneyard than where he had been fighting with Sarah. 

You had an internal fight with yourself but finally decided to listen to your guilt and just check on Rafe. God, why am I so nice? you thought. 

You threw your cup into one of the many recycling bins that were littered across the beach (courtesy of Kie) before approaching the boy you knew so well. Taking a seat beside him, you pulled your knees up to your chest and asked, “What’s up?”

Rafe scoffed at you before muttering “Nothing.”

It wasn’t a surprise that you sighed, annoyed, at Rafe. “Look,” you began, “I saw you fighting with Sarah and I came here trying to be nice. I’m here if you want to talk.”

Rafe remained silent. 

“You better hurry,” you said teasingly, “Because there’s this guy that was flirting with me and I would really like to get back to that.”

His lips turned up a little at the joke you made (he had been staring at you all night and he knew you hadn't talked to anybody). But he remained silent. 

After another moment passed you began to stand up.

“It’s my dad.”

You froze for a little while before moving back into your previous position. 

“Okay,” you said softly. “What about him?”

Rafe brought a hand up to rub his eyes and then pushed it through his hair. He looked a bit sad and annoyed. And hurt. You had never seen him as vulnerable as right now. 

“He just - he puts a lot of pressure on me.”

You nodded, relating to that. “Well, my dad does that too. But he only wants what’s best for me.”

Rafe shook his head. “That’s the thing. It’s not what is best for me.”

You remained quiet before shifting closer to him and gently placing a hand on his back. 

Rafe leaned into your hand, then said, “He pressures me so much. Like so fucking much. And it’s into his business, which isn't even what I want to do with my life!”

Not knowing what to say, you continued moving your hand up and down, and placed your other hand near his shoulder. 

“He wants me to do everything perfectly and he wants me to do so many things that sometimes are just out of my control.”

You nodded, showing him you were listening. “Have you talked to him about it?”

Now Rafe nodded. “I did,” he confirmed. “But he just won't listen. And I just wish he would pay enough attention to see -”

His voice broke. And you heard him choke on a sob and you saw a tear stream down his cheek. 

“Why can’t he see me? Why doesn’t he love me the way he loves Sarah?”

Your heart was clenching tightly in your chest, and you began to move out of instinct. You straddled his lap and wrapped one arm around his back and the other one nestled around his head, bringing it down onto your shoulder. You felt his tears fall upon your exposed skin, as sniffles escaped through his nostrils and his arms slowly came around your torso. 

You rubbed his back as softly as you could. “Shh! It’s okay, it’s okay.”

Your reassurances were worth nothing to him. “It’s not!” he exclaimed into your hair. Then, in a whisper, “It’s not.”

Not knowing what to say you remained silent. You both stayed silent for the longest time, and all you could hear were his sniffles, the cool ocean air whooshing by, and the sound of the party that seemed so far away. 

Finally building your courage up to say something, you pulled back and took his face into his hands. 

“Rafe,” you began. “I want you to listen to me, okay?”

He nodded. 

“You are worth loving, okay?” you told him. “And just because you feel your dad doesn’t love you does not mean that you are not deserving and worthy of love.”

Rafe continued to stare at you. You simply continued. 

“One day, you will find someone that loves you so, so much that they will prove to you that you are all of those things I've just said, okay? And I want you to know that there are people that love you, right now.”

Rafe was shocked into silence from what you said. “Who?”

“Sarah does, even if she doesn’t show it. And Wheezie. And Jason loves you, even if he is the biggest dick of the century.”

Rafe laughed a little at this, and you joined him. 

“And I love you,” you spoke out. And you did. Because no matter how much you pretended to hate him and ignore him and all of those things, you would always care for him. “Even if I’m the biggest bitch of the century and won't show it.”

Rafe laughed out loud this time, joining in on your joke. When both of you stopped, you were serious again.

“I’m sorry if I contributed to making you feel this way.”

The boy in your hands shook his head before moving to your wrists and removing them from his face. He hugged you again and sighed in relief, feeling a lot better than he did before. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered out. You rubbed his back. 

“For what?”

“For the whole ‘Crybaby’ thing,” he explained. “I’ve felt guilty ever since, Y/N. And I don’t know why it took me so long to say sorry, but I really am.”

You laughed at him “I don't care about the nickname anymore, Rafe. I was mad at you over the fact that you never apologized. But you have now.”

Rafe smiled softly before you spoke once again, “But you did kind of ruin my life.”

The sarcasm dripping from your voice made him laugh once again. You pulled back and smiled at him again. 

“C’mon,” you cocked your head towards the party. “Let’s go back and have some fun.”

Rafe thought it was a wonderful idea, and he waited for you to stand up before moving himself. 

He took the hand you offered to him and stood up, almost crashing into you because of the speed he stood up with. 

You laughed once again, adjusting your top and looking at him again. His eyes were at the party, more specifically Sarah. The anxiousness that had been invading his eyes before was coming back, so you squeezed his hand. 

He looked down at you. The smile on his lips made him smile, and suddenly he felt his impulsiveness push through his common sense. Dipping down, he quickly pressed his lips to yours. Before you could respond (mainly due to shock at his actions and the butterfly feelings in your stomach) he had pulled away. 

Oh, I’ve fucked this up, was the only thought on his mind. But when you just smiled at him, his worries left with the wind. The same wind that was moving the tips of your hair around. 

Together, the both of you trudged back to the party. Rafe felt happier than ever, and you felt as if all of those years “hating” him had been a waste of time.

You couldn’t believe he had always been right in front of you, and because of your blind rage, he hadn't noticed how sweet and innocent and childlike he truly was.

Regret flooded your insides for a second, but the feeling left when you thought that maybe it had been something necessary. To hate him before loving him again.

Suddenly he stopped and turned towards you. 

“I never said it back,” he stated, dumbfoundedly.

“What?”

“I love you too, Y/N.”

You giggled at him and then asked, “What? No ‘Crybaby’?”

Rafe shook his head. “Nope. Not this time.”

You frowned, jokingly. “I was getting used to the ‘Crybaby’.”

Rafe scoffed saying. “No, you weren’t.”

You laughed loudly this time. “Yeah, I wasn’t.”

With that, you both entered the Boneyard once again, but this time, hand in hand, and with a different relationship than before.

[vadergf]

OTP Questions

Taken from @the-moon-dust-writings

For JEYNA:

Who pulls the other closer while sleeping?

Jason definitely. He's a big cuddler and he's always reaching out for Reyna to make sure she's with him.

How do they wake up next to each other? Ex - Tangled in each other’s arms? Is one falling off the bed? ETC

They end up sleeping cuddled with each other. But they kind of move in their sleep. Reyna always manages to sleep in the centre but Jason's the one who's practically falling off the bed.

What movie do they watch when they both had a bad day and just want to turn off their brains for a little while?

They'd watch some Jackie Chan movie like Rush Hour or Shanghai Knights just for fun. If they're in the mood, they'd watch You've got Mail or Sleepless in Seattle. Jason adores both the movies and Reyna puts up with the "gooey romance" (her words) because she loves seeing the way Jason's eyes light up.

Who picks something up, says a pun with the object then laughs as if it’s the funniest thing they ever heard?

100% Jason.

Exhibit A: Why does lightning shock other people? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.

Reyna will either roll her eyes and shake her head or punch his shoulder if it's too horrible.

When one of them gets a new outfit, how does the other react?

Jason will probably just stare because he’s so in awe of her, like this woman can pull off sweats or pajamas but she can rock a dress or armour or just, anything. The first time he saw Reyna in a dress, his jaw literally dropped and Reyna couldn't stop smirking for the rest of the night.

When Jason gets a new outfit, Reyna would probably blush a bit but hide it pretty well. She’d probably drop an offhand comment that it looked nice when they were “just friends”. When they started dating, she would probably whisper in his ear ‘Looking good, Grace’

Who tries to playfully scare the other person and who always knows where the other person is?

Despite their outward appearances, Reyna is the one who loves to playfully scare Jason. She loves the way he jumps every.single.time. Jason always complains that one day, he’s going to get a heart attack and die. Reyna starts calling him Grandpa the first time he said that and it sticks. Whenever Jason complains about work, Rey will 100% call him grandpa or gramps.

Jason always know wherever Reyna is. He has memorised all her go-to spots and is aware of her daily routine, just in case something happens to her. 

When their partner has a bad day, what is something the other picks up to try and make their day a little better? Ex - Fast food, flowers, a punny card, etc.

If Reyna has a bad day, Jason would put up some music and cook her something she likes - Mofongo or pasteles or maybe just spaghetti. He probably lets her rant to him and gives like little nods and agrees with what she says like ‘I know, Rey Rey. They're such dicks!’

If Jason has a bad day, Reyna gets his favourite superhero movies and makes him breakfast for dinner, like waffles and pancakes. She probably cuddles with him and ruffles his hair, until he sleeps because she knows he always feels better after sleeping for a while.

Who runs up and hugs their partner while the other catches them?

Reyna is the one to run up and hug Jason while he catches her. Not that Rey cannot lift Jason, but she prefers Jason catch her.

What song reminds them of each other?

Just the Way You Are reminds Jason of Reyna despite Rey hating the song. He also thinks When you look me in the eyes by Jonas Brothers is exactly what he feels for Reyna. And obviously Little Things by One Direction.

In the beginning, Reyna started connecting to Taylor Swift because a lot of her songs like You Belong With Me and Teardrops on my guitar reminded her of her feelings towards Jason when he used to go out with other girls. Now she just feels any song about love reminds her of him and she hates it but also loves it.

Who presses their nose against their partner’s cheek before kissing them?

Jason. He always does that and Rey loves it. 

What small quirks do they love about each other?

While he’s concentrated on writing something, Jason will stick his tongue out just a bit. She thinks its adorable even if Jason is embarrassed about it.

Reyna sings in the shower and Jason loves it, even though Reyna threatens to murder him if he ever tells anyone.

Who accidentally snorts when they laugh and that makes both of them laugh harder?

Reyna. She rarely laughs fully (Except when she’s with Jason) but when she does, she sometimes snorts which causes her and Jason laugh harder until they're both on the floor, out of breath. They’ll catch their breath and then look at each other before laughing again.

What are somethings that they do for one another because they know their partner hates it? 

Reyna hates ordering food on the phone and Jason ends up doing it. When they were fighting once, Jason ordered pizza with pineapple for Reyna and she didnt talk to him for 2 days like “I can forgive anything, Jay, but pineapple on pizza? That’s a crime”

Jason hates to do the dishes and Reyna will be the one to end up doing it, though she makes him do the laundry. The one time Jason did the dishes, he forgot to clean the back of the plates like the idiot he is.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Literally no one asked me to do this, but I have been writing this for ages and its been stuck in my drafts for eternity. I finally finished it, though I deleted a couple of questions because it didn’t suit them.

Also, tagging some people so they dont lose this in the mountain of things I post: @xstarsarewrong @kuuhakublank00 @kasoe21 @dragoncreek319

[themusicplayedherlife]

Can you write a continuation of the Tim Drake x demigod reader where he introduced reader to the rest of the family?

a/n: This time it didn’t take years for me to finish this request lmfao! I didn’t write much interaction between the family because they’re so many members of the batfam and I can’t write group settings for the life of me??? but I def had some ideas about Damian and his curiosity towards Reader, anyway, anon! Hope you enjoy!

Meeting the family is inevitable, according to Annabeth after a long and winded rant about having dinner with Tim and his family from your end. 

Granted, you knew most of his brothers and sisters in the Hermes cabin (including his three adopted siblings that he arrived at camp with), but knowing your fellow campers is one thing, getting to know them as the family he was raised with? That’s another matter altogether.

You knew of Dick Grayson, son of Aphrodite; Jason Todd, son of Ares; and Cassandra, daughter of Psyche. How could you not? They are prominent members of Camp Half-Blood. Maybe not like Percy and the rest of your group, but it‘s hard to ignore the adopted children of Bruce Wayne, ally of the gods and demigods (you had Wonder Woman and his adopted children to thank for that). Not only were they good looking, but they excelled in combat from the very moment they stepped foot into camp.  

But you only know them as that—fellow campers. This is you getting to know them... better—intimately. And not to mention getting to finally meet THE Bruce Wayne and the rest of his mortal family members in person! No more second hand stories from Tim, or listening in on the stories his siblings would recount to the curious campers.

Wow. This is definitely out of your comfort zone, isn’t it?

A warm hand wraps around your cold fingers, steadying your shaky limbs.

“Hey,” Tim softly says, squeezing your fingers as another hand cradles your cheek. “They’re going to love you, χρυσή μου.”

My golden one. You practically melt at the softness and love in his voice when he calls you so. A reminder of how much you mean to him, of how much he loves you.

You smile involuntarily and lean into his touch.

You’re not given the chance to return the affection, the double doors of the manor being thrown open followed by a loud raucous of:

“He’s right there!” from Jason, and “Stop being such a dick,” from a tall, beautiful redhead with freckles followed by a lot more noise and bickering from what you assume is the rest of his family members.

You practically recoil, pulse beginning to pick up and fingers slowly beginning to twitch in his hold.

“Babe,” Tim starts, cutting through all the noise and he flashes you a smile, a reassuring one, with a squeeze of your hand. “I’m right here. I’ve got you.”

You nod and try to return the smile, but there’s no denying that his words and touch manage to ground you just a bit further.

“That's enough,” a deep, calm voice interjects, the earlier bickering coming to an abrupt stop as you remind yourself to breathe.

Bruce Wayne is a lot taller than you had imagined him to be—very handsome too. His stare is even more intense than you had expected, sharper and darker than the smolders he’d spare the pictures taken of him prompted or unprompted. And you can’t help the way your mind scans over him, searching and prodding like it usually does--there’s a darkness in this man that you can’t ignore. Burning deep and hot like hellfire. You wonder if it originates from his traumatic childhood, or if the darkness began to grow with the years--with his journey as the masked vigilante.

Tim has his own darkness, and so do his siblings, but Mr. Wayne? It seems to be tenfold. Controlled, sure, but barely hanging on by a thread.

Bruce pulls you out of your momentary awe, his voice somewhat gruff, but still managing to be kind. “Welcome home,” he says, mostly to Tim, but the small lift of his lips in your direction makes you feel welcomed as well. Yes, there’s a darkness in him, but there’s also a kindness that is rarely seen in others. It’s that kindness that you’re sure has raised Tim and his siblings, taught them that unbearable need to help others with no expectations of reciprocation. They’re just... kind to be kind.

Is it that kindness that stops him from bursting?

Tim tugs you along with him up the final steps of the manor where he hugs his adopted father after letting you go momentarily. “Thank you, Bruce.” He turns to you, holding out his hand for you to take and introducing you to him with an air of pride, as if he’s talked about you aside from being his partner to him before. And seeing the expression of familiarity flash behind Bruce’s blue eyes, you know he has.

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” you offer a bit shyly, unsure of whether to offer him your hand or if to lean in for a hug. You’re not exactly sure what the proper etiquette is to greeting a parent, let alone your boyfriend’s father. You’ve only had the chance to interact with Percy’s mom, and even that is rare. With the rest it’s always been a “hello! Must steal your child for a quest, bye!” Never a proper sit down where you can properly introduce yourself to them. 

Relief fills you when Bruce helps you by offering you his hand, mindful of which hand Tim is holding to keep you steady—emotionally and physically. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person. Tim and Diana speak highly of you.”

You immediately feel the heat crawl on your skin. What exactly have they said? “Likewise, Mr. Wayne. And I just want to say, on behalf of all my friends, thank you for all that you have done for us at camp. We really appreciate it.”

Tim squeezes your hand when Bruce chuckles lowly and asks for you to drop the formalities, telling you to call him Bruce instead.

Before anyone else can introduce themselves to you or you can take note of who else has followed Bruce and Jason to the door, Jason lets out a loud groan. “Can we hurry this along? We know who she is already and I’m hungry!”

“Jason,” the same redhead from before scolds him, smacking him—quite harshly, might you add—on the arm before extending her hand in your direction. “Barbara Gordon.” Ah! Dick’s ex girlfriend! You’ve heard Tim and Dick mention her a couple of times before. Mostly about how she’s always down Dick’s throat for being too reckless or something, you’re not entirely sure. “I’m so glad you’re finally able to join us for dinner! We’ve been trying to convince Tim to bring you along for a while now!”

You know they have been. Tim has mentioned it before, but at the time, you weren’t exactly ready to be in a crowded room with strangers. You’re still not completely ready, but after a talk with Hazel and Annabeth, you decided you couldn’t put it off for much longer.

As Hazel said, “You love Tim, whether you want to admit it or not. And it’s pretty obvious Tim loves you, too! Making an effort to meet his family would show that to Tim without you having to say those words just yet.”

You squeeze Tim’s hand, hoping she’s right. “I’m sorry.”

She waves her hand, a warm smile on her face. “No, I’m sorry if we all seem a little impatient. I really hope we don’t put you off! We’re all just a little... eager to meet the person that has stolen our Timmy’s heart.”

“Babs!” Tim whines, but it goes ignored by Barbara.

She laughs. “Come on in! The rest of the family is waiting in the den.”

Dinner is chaotic. Not as chaotic as dinner is back at camp, but it’s still pretty chaotic.

The youngest and only biological child of Bruce Wayne, is Damian, a boy with a sharp tongue and a curious thing, eyeing you before quickly looking away with a huff and pretending he hadn’t just been staring at you. Unlike the rest of the family, the darkness in him is a speck compared to theirs, even if he speaks with harsh words and an air of indifference. There’s more of a childish innocence that surrounds him, and you can’t help but wonder if it’s attributed to the rest of his family trying to help him make the most of his childhood. 

You offer him a smile, one you hope doesn’t look strained or unnatural. You really do want to make him feel at ease with you. Make it easier for him to ask questions about you and your lineage like the rest of his family does.

Duke is the funniest of the group, not adopted, but still very much part of the family. He’s motivated, and just as smart as Tim, if their conversation about some riddle and case you briefly heard mentioned on the news is anything to go by. And just like Bruce and the rest of the family, he’s observant, maybe even more so than they are; offering you an out when it all becomes overwhelming by changing conversations or asking you if you need anything. He especially takes a liking to hearing stories of you and your mother, Athena, seemingly realizing that speaking about your mother is a clutch to you.

You can’t help it when you ask, “Are you sure you’re not a son of Athena’s?”

He’s taken aback by your question before laughing jovially. “That’d be so cool if I were, honestly! But nah, I’m just a regular ol’ meta-human.”

Dick snorts, leaning into your space to whisper loudly, as if to tease Duke—and completely ignoring the fact you lean away from him and closer to Tim—“Look at him nonchalantly trying to slip in that he’s not exactly human.”

Tim nudges Dick away from you with the palm of his hand, making his brother chuckle and back away with palms up in surrender. You thank Tim with a small smile which he returns.

Duke rubs the back of his head sheepishly. “How else was I supposed to say it?”

“Not at all,” Barbara adds in with a chirp, passing Cassandra the bowl of fruit that had been placed down by Alfred, their butler, something that you find really weird to say or even think. A butler! So weird.

“You guys are just jealous!”

Dick quirks an eyebrow in his direction. “I’m a child of Aphrodite.”

Jason pauses in his indulgence on seconds to flash him a smirk. “Ares.”

“Psyche,” Cassandra quietly adds as she adds fruit to her plate.

Tim grins. “Hermès.”

Damian glares at him without any heat. “My grandfather is Ra’s Al Ghul; my mother is Thalia Al Ghul; and my father is Batman.” Which is still wild to you. Who would’ve thought. I mean, other than the few conspiracies running around.

Barbara turns to you with an eye roll and you can’t help but laugh under your breath.

“Okay, all right, point taken! No need to flex. Damn.” Duke shakes his head. “A guy can’t even feel special.”

Bruce chuckles lowly. “You are special, Duke.” Duke lifts his head after huffing and beams, the rest of the family following after their father’s sincere words. “All of you are special.”

“But I’m more special, correct, father?”

A fond an exasperated chorus of “Damian!” fills the room.

The manor is quiet at night. Surprisingly enough.

Eleven people under one rooftop and you’re certain you could drop a pin on the floor and it’d resound throughout the manor.

And yet, even in the quiet, you and Tim lay awake in his childhood bedroom, too wired to fall asleep and give into your tiredness; both of you laying on your side and facing each other.

“You’re drained,” you whisper to Tim, brushing his hair falling over his eyes behind his ear.

He hums, closing his eyes as your fingers trail down the back of his ear and to his jaw. “I love my family, but it can be too much when everyone is together.”

You let out a small huff of a laugh, tapping your finger against his chin gently before dropping your hand down next to your face. “It’s not as bad as camp.”

“Maybe,” he agrees absentmindedly. “But at least at camp I can go hide out with you in your cabin or sneak off to the lake.”

”Guess so.”

His lashes flutter as brilliant blue eyes appear once more. “Meeting my family didn’t tire you out?”

You smile, hearing the worry in his voice. “A little. But it was fun meeting them. Loved them.”

“Yeah?” he asks, wrapping you up in his arms.

“Yeah,” you whisper, patting his chest with your palms, his heartbeat a soothing thump against your hand. “Almost as much as I love you.”

His long fingers wrap around your wrist just as it stutters under your hand. “Do you mean it?” He asks breathless, barely heard in the darkness of his room full of wooden book shelves and books you can’t believe he actually read at some point in his life. 

“What?” You ask, watching him as he brings the hand that had been resting on his chest to his lips.

He presses a gentle kiss against your skin, eyes never leaving yours. “That you love me.”

You freeze, eyes moving from the hand he’s kissing to his brilliant blue eyes that don’t seem to ever stop sparkling. Even in the darkness he’s pure light, and you don’t understand how he can shine so brightly when the darkness surrounds him, practically ready to devour him. But you wouldn’t let it. You would never let that darkness take a hold of him. And if it ever did, you’d fight to bring him back, even if it meant going back to Tartarus, you would. “Yes,” you whisper.

His lips curve, smile growing and taking shape as he leans closer. Your hand rests on his cheek as you take him in; as he practically melts under your confession and touch. “I love you too, χρυσή μου.”

[tinalbion]

Hey! First time asker here!This is kind of silly but in haunted houses my response to the scares is to growl, snap my teeth and try to scare them back, so... could I get the Unholy Trinity with an S/O whose response to fear is to react kinda like that? Like, instead of running away they go almost feral and attack them? 😅

Thank you for sending in an ask! I always see your support on my page and I appreciate you very much. I’m gonna call you Cal, is that cool?

I do something similar, except I laugh as if I heard the funniest joke ever, so I don’t think that helps whatsoever. The scare actors do the best job and I appreciate them! But imagine that, man, they’d be like, YOU’RE HIRED.

The Unholy Trinity

Michael

The fact that you drag him to a haunted attraction was a complete bore to Michael; what could they do that he couldn’t? It was childish and trivial, but every time Halloween rolls around, you get overly excited and want to go to one every single weekend. He finally breaks and allows you to take him to a local haunt where you knew that they went hard every year, changing the theme and making sure there was something new. You had been sure to dress up in a costume to make it seem as if you were both going before a party, making sure that Michael didn’t seem too out of place. 

Much to his dismay, the crowd was insane and he had almost gone back into the car, but you assured him that it was just a bit of a wait and you would both be in before you knew it. You had always grown anxious when waiting in line, but not due to the fear that most people felt when being scared, but you had grown incredibly excited for the new themed house you two were about to go through. Michael, as usual, displayed no emotion whatsoever and even brushed off a few of the actors that were trying to hype up the crowd outside. 

Though there was a thought that ran through his mind as he looked down at you, your face twisted into one of joy and patience. He had always snuck up on you as he would walk into other rooms, not purposely trying to scare you, it just happened to freak you out all the time. Did you act that way in haunted houses; a screaming, shaky mess? He would get a sliver of joy from this, he figured. 

Once you were both inside, it was already too much for him to even put up with considering he could easily spot each actor behind the billowing fabric or the loose panel on the wall, it was pathetic. You, on the other hand, had surprised Michael during the first few minutes upon entering the attraction. 

An actor had snuck up beside you and shouted something at you, to which you spun around and growled at him, baring your teeth. You looked like a feral animal as you balled your fists in an attempt to get the actor to drop his act and become the one who’s scared. It was your normal reaction, one Michael had never seen you do before when he was the one to sneak up on you. This was a whole other side to you that he hadn’t known existed, but he was quite entertained by the idea that you had become someone else completely.

After the house had ended and you both walked off ahead, away from the grounds, Michael turned to you and tilted his head in question, your eyes glancing up at his as innocently as you could. “What is it?” you would ask him, not giving any indication of what he would look at you that way for. “Oh, yeah, I figured you’d ask about it…”

If Michael had truly wanted to, he would have laughed, amazed at the sudden change in your demeanor, but instead he just chuffed as his shoulders moved slightly. You knew he was laughing at you in his own silent way, which you ignored and tried to hide your smile. 

“Shut up, Michael,” you chuckled and playfully pushed his arm.

  Freddy

You inviting him to a haunted house was an entertaining idea, but that meant pulling him from the dream world, he would be vulnerable, but you promised him it would only be for tonight. He knew how much you loved Halloween time, it was your favorite holiday and you loved to go all out. You were a young adult and you still took it as seriously as you did when you were a child, so he granted you this one night with him. He would have to use up a lot of his power to warp himself back into the human he once was just to keep attention away from him, which was something he had done in the past, shouldn’t be too hard, no?

You were giddy with excitement knowing he was going with you to one of your all-time favorite pastimes for the autumn season. You had on your favorite Halloween outfit and handed Fred his favorite leather coat once you were ready to head out. He made remarks about your outfit the entire way there, saying that you were trying to get him to keep you indoors with all that skin you were showing, but you shrugged off his teasings with a smirk. 

When you arrived, you were jumping up and down in place as you stood in line, watching Fred admire your child-like reaction. He could understand why you had clung onto the Halloween traditions since you had been one to grow up quicker than expected, but he was now curious to see how you would react to being scared. He couldn’t scare you much anymore; you knew his tricks and the feeling of when he was standing behind you, so he had figured you were just used to him. Were you used to scare actors? 

“Did you also know that there are intense haunts that could possibly use body parts in their decorations?” Freddy mentioned casually, trying his best to let you seep with growing fear. 

You scoffed and waved the thought away as you both entered into the attraction, your eyes as big as saucers while you took in the setup, the lighting and the decorations were incredible. Freddy smirked and slipped his arm through yours, escorting you around the corner where you both were met with a room full of dolls. You didn’t end up seeing the woman in the corner with the broken doll mask on, but as soon as she had made her presence known to you, you turned to look at you and tilt your head in that awkward, possessed way and smiled eerily, growling at the actor. 

Freddy was taken aback by your sudden change in behavior, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t turned on by just how you acted towards them. He wore that typical smirk the entire time as he watched how you would fight back, a few times almost having to drag you backward and away from the scare actors, but once the whole thing was over and you two left, he remained silent still wearing that smile.

“What?” you’d prod, looking at him with squinted eyes and a pouty face.

“Didn’t know you could be so wild is all,” he’d comment lightly, and you knew he was far from over. “It’s like I wasn’t even the threat, you were scarier than I was, and that’s sayin’ something.”

“Oh shut up, Fred-”

“Oh no, no, I’m definitely not done.”

That night, he made joke after terrible joke at your expense, but you had to admit, it was pretty funny. 

Jason

This boy wasn’t one to partake in going anywhere like a haunted attraction, especially with all of the people around who were most definitely going to comment on his appearance, but you assured him that going during the weekday was going to be more bearable since it was rather slow. He hesitantly agreed and he trusted you completely to guide him without allowing him to overstep his boundaries in front of a crowd of people. You easily assured him that you would both fit in well.

Once you were inside with Jason, he held onto your hand firmly, not being afraid of the house itself but of the circumstances. He barely had time to react when you had snatched your hand from his and snapped at one of the actors, your teeth bared as you growled ferociously. Jason was stunned at your odd and out of place behavior as you tried your best to scare the actor as he leapt out at you, but Jason backed away from you and tilted his head quizzically.

You walked away from the room and caught up with the large man, slipping your hand once again in his. He stared down at you through the eyeholes of his mask, looking at you as if he hadn’t known you had another side to yourself. 

His gaze was strong as you felt the hairs stand on the back of your neck, so you peeked up at him and smiled warmly like you always did. “I’m sorry about that…” you laughed nervously. “I tend to get a little...into the scares and try to scare ‘em back, I didn’t mean to.”

Jason still looked at you as if he now needed to study your behavioral patterns, his eyes filled with concern. He gently placed his hand on your shoulder and squeezed, assuring you that none of them would have the chance to make you act like that again. He figured it was your fear that fueled you to react the way you did, and he vowed that you wouldn’t have to feel that way. 

“It’s fun to see them react that way like they’re the ones being scared, though,” you confessed with a smirk, “but I got a little ahead of myself, didn’t I?”

Jason nodded and let his hand slide to the small of your back.  

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #367

“i should warn you that you may fuck me, but chances are i’m gonna fuck you over”

Where was the last place you went for vacation? The beach. When was the last time you wore makeup? Halloween. Do you watch soaps or drama series? If so, which ones? Not currently. What’s your favourite tomato variety? I hate tomatoes. What was your very first pet like? Dad had a dog named Trigger when I was born, but I have no memory of her, so I'm excluding her. I consider our first family pet to be Chance, a cat my mom took in after finding her literally in the trash. She was... god, incredible. She was a loyal friend, and I can imagine no greater mother than she was (she legit fought off a rottweiler head-on to protect her kittens). She was so smart, so gentle, and just simply amazing. I'll always miss her. What was the best school project you remember doing? Looking back, despite the fact it TERRIFIED me before, that would be my senior project presentation. It was about snake misconceptions and fallacies, so I made a slideshow to present to the special ed class. I made drawings for them to color, word searches, all that kind of stuff. They were just the sweetest and seemed really into it. What’s your favourite type of fish to eat? None. What kind of an old person do you think you’ll become? I really... don't like thinking about this. Like I'm weak enough now at 25, I can't imagine how my, say, 60s would be. I hope and just about pray that my physical health will improve, but I'm just going to exclude that part entirely from this answer. Personality-wise and such, I have a feeling I'll be the quiet and sweet kind, the one that loves her (hopeful) spouse like crazy, and comes most alive on Halloween if I live in a place where children come trick-or-treating. I imagine I would LOVE that. I'd love to be the type that goes on morning jogs to help stay spry. Which well-known person’s death shocked you the most, if any? Steve Irwin and Chester Bennington might be tied. Both were so, so sudden. Steve was like, invincible to my childhood eyes, and when I heard about Chester's death, I thought it was just a sick rumor. Two amazing people that died way too soon. What’s the craziest colour you’d dye your hair? That would depend on personal opinions. I want to dye my hair LOTS of colors though, if that tells you anything. What’s the coolest hobby one of your friends has? Uhhhh. Idk. Name a video game you can play over and over again: Shadow of the Colossus. It's a pretty short game if you know what you're doing, and it's super relaxing to me and just so goddamn pretty to look at. Every time I've played it has just been a pleasant experience. Do you like meatloaf? Yeah, it's fine. How about Meatloaf? I know who he is, but I've never really listened to his music. Do you take time to do charitable work? If so, what do you do? No. ;_; Especially with all the free time I have, I really should... What is something that will make you laugh instantly? Okay, don't ask, but if I for a SECOND see that commercial of Mr. Clean dancing while he's cleaning, I will die because of memories. What is something you hope you will never inherit from a specific relative? Diabetes. It runs heavily in my family. Name a movie you wouldn’t watch solely based on its name: The Human Centipede. No. Thank you. Have you ever played in a stack of hay bales? No. What’s your dearest souvenir? The stuffed moose I got at Cabela's during a visit to Ohio. I named him Brownie, and he was my "childhood plushie" we all have. Is there a lot of graffiti around your neighbourhood? Not in the actual area I live in, but there are DEFINITELY places where it's a pigsty of distasteful shit. Have you ever made your own soda? (Soda Stream doesn’t count!) No. Do you have a hobby that forces you out of the house? If so, what is it? Nature photography. Have you ever been part of a theater group? No, that stuff doesn't interest me. What’s the most ecological thing you do? We recycle, and I also use metal straws. Would you stop eating meat, if you had to raise and slaughter it yourself? Absolutely. There is no fucking way I could do it. What’s your favourite board game? Why do you like it best? I like Clue just because of the mystery-solving factor, and I think it's kinda cool how you can think ahead and use other's findings to your own advantage to win the game pretty early. Besides English, what other languages can you speak? Some German. It's gotten pretty weak with neglect, though. Besides English, what other languages can you read? I can read German well. What thing/person/happening has made you the happiest you’ve been? This is a complicated answer that I just don't feel like elaborating on. What’s the most freeing thing you’ve ever done? Letting Jason go. Have you ever had a restaurant dish that was made with bugs? If not, would you even want to try one? No, and I'm not interested. Have you ever tasted birch sap? No. How about the young buds/shoots of spruce trees? No. Which edible flowers have you tasted? Honeysuckles. What has been your worst restaurant experience? Well, it's a fast food restaurant, but lemme tell you about my vegetarian encounter with Burger King. I ordered their veggie burger. Which they have. It's not a secret. These idiots gave me a bun with tomato and lettuce, and I think mayo on it, after sounding confused when Mom was ordering for me. Mom went back in there of course to tell them, and oh god was the manager pissed, lol. I got my veggie burger in the end. What’s the most immature, adolescent thing that still makes you laugh? Some sexually inappropriate jokes can still get me sadly, lol. Have you ever had a life-threatening condition? If so, what was it? Not literally, but boy do I think depression counts. Do you ever compare your life to somebody else’s? If so, why? Y E P. I can't tell you why, I just... do it. I look at other's successes and am just like, "Why aren't I there yet?", and beat myself up about being a failure. What is a food item or a dish you absolutely cannot stand? Brussel sprouts, asparagus, runny eggs, many other things because I'm just mega picky. Have you ever had a custom print done on a shirt? If so, what was it? Just the spray paint kind that vendors like to do at the beach and stuff. I don't remember any I got, though. What does your favourite mug look like? It's black with a Markiplier quote on it, given to me by Sara. :') Do you ever read other people’s survey answers? Yeah! Friends', anyway. I love learning all the obscure things about them. Do you like daytime or night time better? Why? Daytime, specifically early morning, because it's better for my depression. Are you more comfortable as a leader or a follower? A follower that isn't afraid to speak up when I'm really against something. What is your favourite song right now at this very moment? I've been really into "7empest" by Tool lately, and the synthwave edit of "Voices" by Motionless In White. If you watched The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, who was your favourite character? I don't remember it well, but I think I liked the butler. Was there even a butler? Who was your first online friend? Emma. :') Do you have any plants in your home? No. If you wear makeup, what’s the most outrageous colour you use? I only ever use black. What was the last photograph you took? My cat being adorable while sleeping. <3 Have you ever submitted a video to Funniest Home Videos? No. What was the first sport you learned how to play? I want to say soccer? I absolutely hated it. Do you have a headache at the moment? Yes, actually. I've really been attacked by the Covid shot side effects. Are your parents still together? No, thank god. What was the last hot food you ate? I made a chicken and I think pesto (some Italian noodles, idk) Healthy Choice bowl for dinner last night. Have you ever seen a meteor shower? No. :( Do you ever feel afraid people will question your sanity? I'm sure people have before, and back then? Rightfully so. Which X Factor audition(s) was/were your favorite? Never watched it. Were you a straight A student in spelling and grammar? Always. It's so weird how it's gotten worse with time since leaving school, even though I write... Were you a straight A student in math? Yeah, no. I usually got Bs or Cs. What is your favorite shade of yellow? Pastel. I don't really like yellow. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? Have a stable job. Are you afraid of getting yelled at? YES. Do you feel a connection to the moon? It's not something I think about, so not really, but I do believe all things in the universe are connected in some way. We are simply a part of nature, as all else is. What does your heart long for? Contentment in who I am and where I am in life. I know I also miss being in love. Do you know what your purpose in life is? We have no innate purpose; we make our own, and I want mine to be to show others that there is always hope for yourself in yourself, and also to spread the message of love of all animals. Did you decorate a pumpkin this year? Last year I didn't. I really should change that this go around. Have you ever seen a fox? Yes! They're a kind of rare sight here sadly, so when I had the opportunity to photograph a fox tragically as roadkill, it was a photographic experience I won't forget. God, I wanted to pet it (I obviously didn't), but I did talk to it about how beautiful (s)he was as I got some shots. I never had a harder time leaving one of those angels I've taken pictures of. Do you find Halloween fun or scary? FUN!!!!!! Is there anything about Halloween you find offensive? Not at all. What do the trees look like where you live? I mean, there's a variety, but the staple that you see literally everywhere are pine trees. What is your dream vacation? Somewhere with mountains, clear lakes, cool weather, beautiful and various wildlife... What was the best vacation you’ve been on so far? Disney World as a kid. What is the best class trip you’ve been on? The zoo in the 5th grade. It was the one occasion I got to see meerkats. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? I lived for them. Do you find museums boring or interesting? I find science museums to be very, very fascinating. Art ones are great, too. What are three issues you are passionate about? LGBT rights, the pro-choice movement, and wildlife conservation, to name a few. Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? No. I'm not patriotic enough at all. What size is your bed? Queen. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? When we were experimenting with my Klonopin dosage, I learned that 3mg was enough to knock me on my ASS. Do you like bath bombs? I mean they're pretty, but I wouldn't waste money on 'em. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? Yikes, a looooooot. But this also depends on what you think qualifies as "small." Most of my favorite "small" YTers are tarantula keepers or sub-1M let's players. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? Markiplier obviously, Snake Discovery, Good Mythical Morning (even if I don't watch them anymore, they are veeery dear to my heart and I will always support them), Sam & Colby... Again, there's a lot. When you don't watch TV and YT instead, you really get attached to a lot of them. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Would you believe me if I said Pussycat Dolls? haha Do you like Disney movies? Um, DUH. Were you ever in the popular crowd? No. Have you ever used an outhouse? UGH, at like childhood sports games, yes. I could NEVER nowadays, oh my god. Could you possibly write a successful novel? I think I have the creativity to, but not the dedication. Are there any foods that make you gag? Beans, for one. I just canNOT with them. It's a completely involuntary reaction. Have you ever had blonde highlights in your hair? I think I did? Who was the last person you video-chatted with? The lady who was seeing if I qualified for TMS therapy. Do you think sleeve tattoos look trashy? Definitely not, I love those. If you had to get a portrait tattoo, who would it be of? I don't actually want one, but if I did, I'd go to a serious professional to get THE Darkiplier smile. :') If u know u know. Do you have any stickers on any of your electronic devices? No. Do you think half blonde/half dark brown hair is attractive? It looks great on some people, but it's not my favorite combo.

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

asks (26)

@spickerzocker​ said:

hey there! just a heads up that i tried to click on the "why i don't ship" explanation link in your faq and it says that there is no post with that url/it's generally broken. also your "a conversation about recovery" thing is beautiful and hurts in the best way and i love it. have a nice day!

Yes, I intentionally took that link down awhile ago, and last night I went and updated some of the tabs on my blog. Here are my basic thoughts:

I wrote that link years and years ago, while I was first navigating the internet and while I was still figuring out important things about my own identity and opinions. I ran my blog differently back then, but by the end of the first few months, I knew I was uncomfortable with shipping. 

As people began to interact with me and my work, I told them over and over again no, I don’t want to talk about that, and I don’t want to write about it, and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think that was a common position to take at the time, so it wasn’t what people expected from me. 

During those years, I felt like I had to justify myself and give a valid explanation. I wrote that post explaining why I had that boundary, and I put it in a place where anyone could find it.

I said no when people asked, let them make jokes about it, and made jokes about it myself in response. As time went on I got more and more exasperated when I had to repeat myself. I wrote definite rules into my ask box, request tab, and FAQ. People still asked. I wrote it into my description. People still asked. 

The truth is yeah, there’s a pretty simple explanation for my discomfort. It makes sense. It’s easy to understand, and most folks think it’s a “good enough” reason to leave me alone. The difference between young-me and current-me is that I no longer feel the need to justify myself. 

None of y’all need to know why I set the boundaries that I set. My explanation isn’t relevant, and I’m not obligated to give it. I said no. That’s enough. 

I think a good number of folks remember my explanation from the past, and I don’t mind that at all. There may be a time where I talk about it again, in a more appropriate context, so I guess we’ll see.

That’s a lot of information in response to a very helpful ask. Thanks! The link is gone now, and I’m so pleased that you enjoyed the fic :)

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Anonymous said:

U suck

Kenza sent this anon as a joke. She’s right, and I thank her. 

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Anonymous said:

I'm a doctor and ive seen it all.....but the milk fic made me gag

Excellent

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@wingedskyes said:

Ah. Wait. I wasn't on anon....uhm. oh well. It's fine. I like milk and am not ashamed. 😆

I don’t think I received another message from you actually, but I too like milk and I’m glad we’re on the same page

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@thelittleredheadedmusician said:

To add to the milk discussions: my best friend from home and best friend from college have each finished a gallon a milk by themselves within 2 days.

I do that too, every once in awhile. When the milk craving hits it’s a gallon a day

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Anonymous said:

"TIM! POUR HIM. A GLASS OF M A L K!"

Hold on I have to google some things

Yeah this is funny

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Anonymous said:

I have read that milk fic three separate times and every time I’m laughing just as hard as Tim and dick by the end it’s just so excellently executed and builds so perfectly that by the time dick cracks I’m ready to go too and I just lose it it’s amazing I love it

Awww anon I’m so pleased :)

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@the-smartass-under-the-mountain said:

Just wanted to drop by and say your recent fic with Tim antagonizing Damian with increasingly outrageous milk concoctions had me giggling. It was so cute and refreshing to see Dick enjoying Tim's little prank. And Bruce's reaction to just... walk away was fantastic!

Thank you! I’m always so thrilled when y’all think the jokes hit

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@njtheboywonder��� said:

I havnt really enjoyed a fic in years, but i stopped to read ur fanfic with tim drinking milk just to fuck w dami amd it made me smile. Thanks, for writing it.

Oh that warms my heart <3

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@bruciewayneisbatman​ said:

Tim Is totally the guy who would drink ridiculous amounts of dalgona coffee to annoy damian, according to that fic.

Had to google that one, but I guess so huh

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Anonymous said:

(diff anon) but that birthday fic was so good oml and you have opened my eyes as to the batfam in quarantine this is such a Concept

We’re all here dying..... together...

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Anonymous said:

Happy birthday! 🎉 or belated! 🎂 thank you for being in the fandom. 😊

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Anonymous said:

To anon! Sorry. I forgot to add that! Anyway, thanks to them we get a lovely fic. I hope you have many more birthdays! 😊

Message for you anon

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Anonymous said:

Your writing gives off good vibes

Hear that guys I “passed my vibe check.” Is that what the youth say these days? I am an elder now and I do not know

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Anonymous said:

finding your blog while being relatively new to batman fandom is such a bliss. your batfam content especially is *chef's kiss* amazing.

Thank you my darling :) I’m glad you’re here

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Anonymous said:

Best line in a fic? Hard to pick just one, but this particular one from "Just Desserts" by fyeahbatmanandrobin on Tumblr is one of my faves: “Anyone else would be hard-pressed to provide the particular brand of excitement you bring to my life, Dami.”

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@noisypaintersong​ said:

For the line thing: "I don't doubt it. Bruce Wayne, the unexpectedly normal guy wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a superhero wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a fake socialite wrapped in a businessman wrapped in a secretive billionaire." He paused. "…You're the seven-layer burrito of Gotham," he pondered. - Barry to Bruce in 'Of Friends and Foes' by Paganpunk2 on FFN. It's one of the funniest things I've read someone say to Bruce LOL

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@kirakats​ submitted:

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Anonymous said:

“I do know that according to everyone else, there is no chance, no future, no universe where I stay a hero.” Describes my frustration with the way DC treats Damian so accurately. Let the kid be a hero dammit.

Thanks! That’s really helpful. I’ve got a decent answer to my question now. 

@kurawastaken​ submitted:

So this is Kenza retaliating against me for the milk fic. I very much hate tomatoes and specifically ketchup. This photo (1) is a nightmare and (2) fulfills its intended purpose.

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Anonymous said:

I love your blog!!!

And I love you 

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Anonymous said:

quick question: how do you think jason reconciles with the fam?? i think in the comics they kinda just reboot and now he’s on better terms. but like what conversations happened, yknow??? (you’re doin great work by the way, it rips out my heart but it’s great)

This is an amazing question, and I’ll be thinking about it for the next bit, I think. That would be a really interesting topic to explore in depth

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@angel-gidget​ said:

*hugs you real tight* would you please send this to the first 10 people in your dash? Make sure someone gets a hug today and stay safe!

Oh thank you for the hug <3

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Anonymous said:

I hadn’t been aware of that Memphis petition, but I live in Memphis too (Altho I know you said you just grew up there so you may not be living here currently haha) so ig I just wanted to say thanks for bringing it to my attention!

!!!

I’ve been in Texas for six years now, ever since I started school, but I’m still in and out of Memphis for family purposes. Love the trash heap of my birth 

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@damianwaynerocks​ said:

hey! any chance you know of any other dc heroes around damian’s age?

Sure! You could try Billy Batson, Jon Kent, or Maya Ducard

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Anonymous said:

hi! i don't know if it's okay to leave anons like these but ive been feeling down because my country has passed a bill that deprives us of lots of human rights freedom and i want you to know that i just found your blog through the damian/bruce + justice fic and it comforted me. im slowly going thru your works and so far they are all comforting. i love your stuff, thank you.

Philippines? I’ve heard some things, and I’m real sorry y’all’re going through that. I don’t know that there’s anything I could say about that to help, but I hope you’re finding joy somewhere

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@awesomeness-ofgaybitches​ said:

Tumblr hates you. The links in your bio and to your fic masterlist don't work on mobile. I'm sorry.

FUCK

[that-trunks-girl]

All the OTP questions for you and Trunks? =3c (@alovestruckmouse)

Yeeeeee

Who pulls the other closer while sleeping?- That would definitely be Trunks. For a while, I think he had started to do it when he was still restless at night and when we first officially came together. Like he was afraid if he didn’t have a hold on me, I would just leave and not come back this time. Every once in a while, I may pull him in close to me for a lot of the same reasons. Or because I just get so intoxicated by his scent and his warmth

How do they wake up next to each other? Ex - Tangled in each other’s arms? Is one falling off the bed? ECT.- Very similar to above, wrapped close to one another/spooning. Or we’ll be sprawled across the bed or an arm or leg hanging off the edge. Really depends on how we fall asleep or if it’s cold and we tangle into one another for warmth. It varies. 

What movie do they watch when they both had a bad day and just want to turn off their brains for a little while?- honestly, the despicable me movies! They’re silly and laid back, it’s difficult to stay in a sour mood with the minions on screen! 

Who picks something up, says a pun with the object then laughs as if it’s the funniest thing they ever heard?- LOL totally Trunks! Even if he says I do it too, I’m nowhere near as bad as him! He’s got the dad-jokes down! 

How do they hype one another up?- By putting on some up-beat music! Or having pep-talks like you’d see in a locker room before a big game xD Except we’re more corny! Our kids don’t find it amusing, but embarrassing xDD

When one of them gets a new outfit, how does the other react?-Trunks will drop his jaw and saw such sweet compliments to me. Even pull me in close to tell me how beautiful I look ;w; Trunks rarely buys new outfits for himself(I usually buy them lol) So I’ll be cheesy and say how handsome he looks and just can’t get over it xD

Who tries to playfully scare the other person and who always knows where the other person is?- Trunks tried that once with me. I almost had a heart attack T-T I’m such a big scaredy cat xDD I’ve tried a few times with him, but I’m not sneaky or stealthy so he always knew haha 

When they grocery shop, what is one section they love to plaufully mess around in and why?-Can’t say we have one of those! 

When their partner has a bad day, what is something the other picks up to try and make their day a little better? Ex - Fast food, flowers, a punny card, ect.- Trunks will bring me candies or flowers or a nice big juicy burger!! I’ll bring him his favorite dish and maybe put on some sexy lingerie x//3 

Who runs up and hugs their partner while the other catches them?- I could never catch Trunks, so it doesn’t happen from that end xD But, I will jump at him and he’ll catch me in to a hug x33 

What song reminds them of each other?- “Far away” by Nickelback or “Won’t give up” By Jason Mraz :3 

Who presses their nose against their partner’s cheek before kissing them?- I guess we both do that to one another xD 

What small quirks do they love about each other?- Trunks says he loves when I mumble to myself when I’m focused on something. Or how I’m very anal and particular about where things are placed. I really love the faces he makes when he’s concentrating or frustrated. He doesn’t realize he’s making them x3 

Who accidentally snorts when they laugh and that makes both of them laugh harder?- Totally me!!! 

What are somethings that they do for one another because they know their partner hates it? Ex- do the dishes, phones to make an order, talks to sales clerk. ECT- Trunks will make all phone calls. I hate talking on the phone, it makes me too nervous and anxious! In return, I do the laundry and the dishes and such. He doesn’t necessarily hate it, but he does so much! 

[annabethj]

percabeth - hookups + hangovers

Annabeth can remember everything up to about 11:00. It was all loud music, shots, and people wearing far too small clothes. Her roommate, Piper, had dragged her to her boyfriend’s party. Now, Annabeth really wasn’t that much of a party goer, but she figured with a friend it would be slightly more bearable. Surely it would be- but she wouldn’t know because Jason had pulled Piper away within minutes and the only thing she had heard of her trusty friend since was loud moaning as she passed a closet.

As far as she was aware, the night had consisted of nothing but innocent fun for her. Sure, she had gotten black-out drunk, but it wasn’t the first time. She always ended up on one of her friend’s couches with a pounding headache, which she was fine with. Today, however, was different. As her eyes dragged open, she did not see a roof, or a blanket, or a pillow. To her horror, she was met with skin. Of a chest. Of a guy.

Her stomach lurched. Suddenly her hangover became all too apparent. Her head pounded. Moving to sit up, she felt strong arms tighten around her waist.

Shit, this is real. Quickly glancing around, she saw the guy she had -ahem- had fun with. Black hair was stuck to his forehead, and long eyelashes splayed across smooth cheeks. His chest moved evenly, which meant he was still in deep sleep. Careful to not wake him, Annabeth crawled out of his arms. He shifted in his sleep and let out a soft groan but didn’t wake up.

She’ll admit, he was quite cute. Drunk Annie had chosen well. Shivering, she looked for her clothes- well, any clothes really. She found her shirt and shorts and quickly slipped them on. Her other things were strewn across the room, and she gathered them as efficiently as possible. His bedroom was nice. Very classy, actually. Not something she would have expected from a party hookup, but she wasn’t complaining. Guilt almost creeped into her chest because of the mess they had drunkenly made of it.

Not that she had ever done something like this before, but she was pretty sure you were supposed to leave. If she didn’t have any memory of it, surely he wouldn’t either, and it would be quite the shock to wake up with a girl in your bed. So, she should go, right? Strangely, she was hesitant, and she didn’t know why. Brushing it off, Annabeth figured she was just tired, and needed some water. And an aspirin too.

He wouldn’t mind if she stole an Advil and a glass of water, would he? It would take like 3 seconds and then she’d be gone. It was a big apartment, and she almost got lost looking for the kitchen. Along the way, she couldn’t stop herself from looking at the picture on the walls. She knew it was kind of an invasion of privacy, but they didn’t have a whole lot of privacy at this point anyways.

There was a picture of a woman with red hair and a man with black hair smiling at each other. The same people were in a few wedding photos, but you could never see the guy’s face. The woman was absolutely gorgeous though. Annabeth figured these people must have been his parents. A few more pictures with the same people later and she saw something that made her heart sink.

A baby. A cute, sweet little laughing baby, sitting in a frame on the kitchen table. She didn’t know if the baby was a boy or a girl, but it looked a whole lot like the boy who she had just crawled away from. That wasn’t what concerned her. For all she knew, this was him as a baby. The only thing that concerned her was the hair. The caramel brown that sat on the baby’s head was so different to the stark black she’d seen. She knew plenty of babies that had hair that changed colour over the course of her life, but somewhere, deep down, she knew that wasn’t the case.

Panic flooded her body, and she looked back at the wedding photos. Somehow, the dark haired boy she had woke up to and the in-love married man in this picture started to look very, very similar. For the second time today, her throat clogged up. He was married. He was in love. He got drunk, and took Annabeth back to his apartment. And if she didn’t get out of here, his wife would come home and know what happened. It would break her heart, and she would break his. Divorce. His cute, innocent little baby would grow up without a father and then once he’s older his mom would tell him the tale of the blonde haired, grey eyed minx who slithered into their bedroom.

Annabeth could not be that person. She would not be that person. Screw the Aspirin, she’d get a cab and be on her way. The only thing she really needed was a glass of water, as her throat felt like it was going to dry up completely.  Her fingertips clung to the cool glass as she filled it with water and drank quickly. Water fell as she let the tap drip, and she placed her head in her hands. Deep breathes, Annie, she told herself.

She don’t know how long she sat like that, the only thing keeping her from sobbing being her sheer willpower. A happy family was never something she thought she would have. Her childhood admittedly hadn’t been great, and that may have affected her outlook on love and all that. She felt awful. As a kid, all she wanted was parents who loved her, loved each other. That little baby boy or girl would have had a perfect family, maybe even another sibling, and Annabeth ruined it.

At the sound of rustling behind her, she whipped around. The boy was still shirtless, not that she was complaining, but he’d put some pants on. He let out a small yawn and stretched, his eyes closed. And then he opened them again, and Annabeth almost let her jaw go slack. Slices of vivid green peeked out beneath long black lashes. His hair looked really soft, and she wanted to touch it. Muscles rippled down his body, and you could see them in every movement. He reminded Annabeth of a trouble maker, or perhaps a skater. She wondered if his hands were calloused and what it would feel like- what it felt like- to have them in the curve of her waist, and on-

“Is this your sister?” It was hard to process. Suddenly he was looking straight at her. Nod, she thought. All you have to do is nod, and then this is over. And then we can go our separate ways and neither of us never have to worry about this again. Except she didn’t nod. She wanted to scream and yell No! You idiot, that’s your little girl! But she held her tongue.

It was a good thing, too. Because when she used her big brain for just a second, things didn’t add up. Why was he wearing the clothes from the night before if he had a wardrobe? And who were the good majority of the people in the pictures everywhere? This apartment was not only far too expensive for a college student, but it was quite a ways off campus, now that she thought about it. Most importantly, why the fuck was he asking her who the baby framed on his kitchen table was? Realization hit her like a brick. This guy didn’t have a kid, and he didn’t remember anything about last night, and this definitely was not his apartment.

“I don’t- Um, I mean- this isn’t…” Her heart sank to her stomach. She was getting tongue tied in front of this stupid guy who she’d already slept with for the love of god. But his eyebrows were pulled together in a cute way that made him look totally lost and helpless. Somehow, Annabeth knew what she had to do.

“This isn’t my apartment.” The reaction was practically instant. His head tilted, his eyes widened, his brow furrowed even more. It looked unintentional, but his hands turned and his arms angled into a “what?” position. If this wasn’t the worst day of her life, she might’ve giggled and called him cute. A couple seconds passed and Annabeth saw what she said sink in.

“Fuck!” He yelled, in a mad dash for the bedroom they’d ruined. “Can you come make the bed?” And as much as Annabeth really wanted to leave immediately, she couldn’t just let this poor guy take the fall of their mutual mistake. Jogging lightly, she helped him pull the blanket tightly. They fluffed the pillows in silence. He grabbed his shirt from the corner of a desk, and helped her look for her bra under the bed. It was only a little awkward.

Oh, who was she kidding? It was so weird! This guy had seen her totally naked and, well-  done things to her. Probably. Hopefully.  She didn’t even know his name.

A quiet sound drew them out of the silence. After glancing around, they both decided to see what it was. Don’t be that baby. Please, don’t be that baby. Thank god, it wasn’t. A mean, angry, fat old cat sat on the chair right outside the bedroom.

“When you woke up, was the door closed?” The man asked. She shook her head no.

“So that means-”

“That poor cat’s seen some things,” he finished with a solemn nod. Annabeth found herself laughing. An ugly, awful laugh, as if it’s the funniest thing she’d ever heard. The guy smiled and shook his head. Joy bubbled in her chest, and she tried to squash it. A snort escaped, which made him laugh, too. Soon, they were both bent over in pain from their stomachs. When the laughter finally died down, they wiped tears from their eyes, and he held the door open for her as they left.

The elevator ride was admittedly still kind of awful, but not nearly as bad as it should have been. Annabeth noticed him constantly drumming his fingers on the side of his leg. She thought it was cute. He looked like a James. She should ask for his name. He seemed sweet, and maybe if they hadn’t had such a weird start, things between them would have been way different.

But then the elevator dinged and they walked into the lobby and out of the apartment building. She turned right and he turned left, and that should have been it.

“Blondie, wait!” She heard, and so she turned and rested her hand on her hip. The green eyed boy ran the few yards that were between them now.

“Let’s start over,” he said, breathing heavily. “My name’s Percy, and I think you’re cute. Can I have your number?”

So she grabbed his phone out of his waiting hand and put her number in. Pushing the phone back, she threw a wink over her shoulder and walked past, swishing her hips more than she’d like to admit.

“You didn’t put your name in!” He called behind her. She turned around. “I’ll tell you tomorrow! Dinner at 7, the restaurant down the street. I’ll put the reservation under the name Madison Cornwell.”

“Is that your name?” She laughed. “Nope! Bye, Percy.” He tried to protest behind her, but she didn’t dare turn around. Blood rushed to her cheeks, and she bit her lip. Maybe, just maybe, she’d thank Piper for this stupid party after all.

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: week 31

brief reviews of the songs that debuted on the 8.9.1997, 8.11.2007, and 8.12.2017 editions of the billboard hot 100

8.9.1997

10) "Never Make a Promise," by Dru Hill

See, the thing about this R&B song in which a person makes an eternal promise that separates it from all the other dozens I've heard in the past couple of weeks is, goddamnit I was really hoping I would come up with a joke by the time I got to the conjunction, I figured, y'know, I'd get the ball rolling, get some momentum, y'know? If I started saying words in the cadence of a joke, I would get with the program and sort of involuntarily make a joke. I see now the folly in my ways. I should've been better prepared for 1997. I knew milquetoast R&B was in store. I dropped the ball on this one, and dropped it in such a way that it did not start rolling, to tie it back to a metaphor from earlier. I promise to do better. And uh, fun fact about me, I never make a promise I won't keep.

87) "Down for Yours," by Nastyboy Klick ft./Roger Troutman

Pitch the Auto-tune a little lower, put in a few of those drums what sound like a dude roiling his rs to imitate a machine gun, and this is a perfectly acceptable 2017 pop/rap song. I just wanna real quick address something: I know I said last week that every 1997 rapper, short Magoo, was better than the best 2017 rapper, but I was speaking in terms of pop/rap. Like, if you only go by what charted, which is a mistake for so... so many reasons, 1997 rap is better? But once -- I mean, the Kendrick and Jay albums were fire, but more importantly, you've got folks like Vince Staples and Brother Ali and Joey Bada$$ and Lupe Fiasco and SZA making awesome, challenging works that aren't gonna chart. These charts are at once a sample of music history and the poorest imaginable representation of music history. Anyhoo, I don't know what previously held the title of 'most innocuous song to throw Bob into an existential tailspin over the general utility of the YAS project,' but it belongs to this dumb sack of song now!

90) "Never, Never Gonna Give You Up," by Lisa Stansfield

Hey: if nothing else, clicking on this edition of YAS 7s should give you a fun and cool new way to Rickroll your friends. Add a meta layer to your Rickroll game. I know this isn't actually a comment on the song, because how could anyone be aware of memes in 1997? All these songs predate Hamsterdance. Someone should have told Lisa Stansfield there was already a song called this, though. Anyhoo, I'm not actually talking about these songs at all. They're boring! This is probably the most okay song so far, but I'm putting it out of my mind to think about a boring meme about a boring song.

92) "Drink, Swear, Steal, & Lie" by Michael Peterson

aw this guy's just a big ol' dork. i love him! ii love his dork ass song about how in love with his girl he is. this song has one joke and it's still a vastly more complex and well-written song than any pi[50,000 word treatise on bro country redacted]anyway, this dude's great. like, i'm a pop/punk main, y'know? i love dorky and earnest jams. this hits that button squarely, y'all. i'm so into this.

only publishing the 1997 top 20 because changes happen with the other two and i value consistency

20) "Step by Step," by Whitney Houston (3.15) 19) "Can We," by SWV ft./Missy Elliott (8.2) 18) "On and On," by Erykah Badu (1.25) 17) "I Want You," by Savage Garden (3.1) 16) "It Must Be Love," by Robin S. (5.24) 15) "Smokin' Me Out," by Warren G ft./Ronald Isley (6.21) 14) "Fix," by BLACKstreet ft./Ol' Dirty Bastard (8.2) 13) "Silent All These Years," by Tori Amos (3.22) 12) "What They Do," by The Roots (1.11) 11) "Step Into a World (Rapture's Delight)," by KRS-One (4.5) 10) "I'm Not Feeling You," by Yvette Michele (2.22) 9) "Bill," by Peggy Scott-Adams (3.29) 8) "Just Another Case," by CRU ft./Slick Rick (7.5) 7) "I'll Be," by Foxy Brown ft./Jay-Z (2.15) 6) "Felton St.," Leschea (6.14) 5) "Bitch," by Meredith Brooks (4.26) 4) "Mo Money, Mo Problems," by The Notorious B.I.G. ft./Puff Daddy & Mase (8.2) 3) "Return of the Mack," by Mark Morrison (3.1) 2) "Hypnotize," by The Notorious B.I.G. (4.26) 1) "Not Tonight (Ladies' Night Remix)," by Lil Kim ft./Angie Martinez, Left Eye, Da Brat & Missy Elliott (7.12)

8.11.2007

47) "Stronger," Kanye West

Graduation is such a goofy album because it has three of the best Kanye singles of all time, including what, let's be real, probably ends up as the best song from 2007, but it's also Kanye's worst and least interesting album. It's Kanye at a crossroads, stuck between being the pop/rap god and the morose Auto-tune sadlord who makes 808s and MBDTF. This song actually finds Kanye at the perfect point in the crossroads. He's still making a towering achievement for the mainstream, but he's breaking out of being chop up the soul Kanye, moving into electronic territory, developing his sound into that direction in a way that doesn't quite sound like MBDTF but sounds like the first step on that road. It'd be a bold experiment if it didn't absolutely work, and this is an amazing song by any objective measure.

65) "Cyclone," Baby Bash ft./T-Pain

Man maybe I just haven't noticed it yet or maybe I'm just coming down from the "Stronger" high, but I forgot how horrible the generic crunk beat was to listen to. It hasn't been quite so prevalent, but heck whoever gave this dude the Lil Jon MP3s. I will say that T-Pain making noises to describe what it feels like when a woman dips it low is the tiniest little miracle of a thing, but boy, is my life not better with this song in it. OK I just got to the part where T-Pain makes that noise three times in a row, this song is an achievement in Western art and culture and the world is saved.

83) "Love Me if You Can," Toby Keith

who the fuck listens to toby keith for the ballads like who is this for who thinks of this song when they think of toby keith no legit dude just make dumbass party jams i don't get why this would ever need to exist

84) "Take Me There," Rascal Flatts

Like legit why would you give "Love Me if You Can" to Toby Keith when Rascal Flatts is literally right there. Songs like "Love Me if You Can" and this treacly pile of love song are why you made Rascal Flatts in the first place. I also enjoy the twist this puts on The Country Song. I don't think anyone ever came to Rascal Flatts for Authentic Country Music, so them saying they want the girl to take them to Main Street and the backroads is actually kinda sweet. Like, they're not posturing, they're saying, "Yeah, we're clearly city softboys, but we wanna see the small town blue jean nights that made my girl." Rascal Flatts: generally inoffensive yet again! They just keep comin'!

89) "Proud of the House We Built," Brooks & Dunn

I like this song because it reminded me of The Wonder Years' "Teenage Parents," and I appreciate the opportunity to think about The Wonder Years. I dunno, country hasn't really been problematic this week! This song is almost good! It's just a nice look back on life. "Yeah, it kinda sucked, butcha know what, we made it." Maybe it could've acknowledged that the tough times sucked instead of looking back smiling and saying, "I wouldn't have it any other way?" Hard times suck, dude. I know you haven't heard that Paramore jam yet, but hard times suck and you shouldn't idealize them. Especially when, you know, you're a millionaire, and people who are actually going through hard times are listening to you and saying, "Welp, guess this is my station in life!" Hey Bob you're going on a treatise on the sociological implications of bro country, and you are actually unable to write that. Please write about JoBros.

92) "Hold On," Jonas Brothers

What a week for songs named after far more notable '80s jams! (Actually Wilson Phillips w)I LOOKED IT UP AND DECIDED I DIDN'T CARE anyway did anyone else forget that Jonas Brothers are like legit songwriters? Like, this is definitely as good as any Simple Plan song, and Simple Plan was like a decade older than these kids. Does Simple Plan make good music? That's beside the point, which is that Jonas Brothers was never garbage. They were always making highly enjoyable pop/rock songs for the whole family, and they were capable of making these songs from an extraordinarily young age. We could've done worse, is what I'm trying to get at. Like, we had it pretty got dang good with the JoBros, friends! There's a world where JoBros fades into semi-obscurity and makes highly enjoyable Christian rock with Hanson, and also no one ever makes "Jealous," and that's a pretty OK alternate reality, that one.

100) "Hood Nigga," Gorilla Zoe

The most optimistic sentence on Wikipedia is, "This is Gorilla Zoe's only top 40 hit on that chart, to date." This song ain't bad! It would've been a fine #1 in some of those weeks where the best song was like "Do it Just Like a Rock Star." He has this really fun and gruff voice, maybe a little laconic but certainly pleasant to put in the ears, the beat is, as the kids might have said in 2007, knockin', and we have certainly heard worse things! Also the radio edit replaces N with F and of all the letters to replace the N, F is easily the funniest, because now this song is about a dude who can't get enough figs in his life. Fuck Cristal, this dude's got a Fig Newton cabinet.

New #1 hype! 20) "Lip Gloss," by Lil Mama (6.9.2007) 19) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 18) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 17) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 16) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 15) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 14) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 13) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 12) "Can't Tell Me Nothing," by Kanye West (6.16.2007) 11) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 10) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 9) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 8) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 7) "Misery Business," by Paramore (7.21.2007) 6) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 5) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 4) "Beautiful Flower," by India.Arie (6.16.2007) 3) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 2) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) 1) "Stronger," by Kanye West (8.11.2007) Hey guess what the alt-country song doesn’t end up being Record of the Year 2017. Also I made a minor adjustment to #20 because Lil Mama is going to stay around as long as I feel I cannot bop her in good conscience.

8.12.2017

40) "Back to You," by Louis Tomlinson ft./Bebe Rexha & Digital Farm Animals

Huh, well, I think I mind this the least of all the One Direction side projects! I'm down for a duet, even if this is just a little too low-key to ever attain Iconic Duet status -- drunk folks and karaoke wanna shout about love, and while I'm sure they'll appreciate the "you fuck me... up" phrasing, you're not giving them a lot to work wth. I've never minded Bebe Rexha as little as I do here, and just like in his boyhood, Louis Tomlinson doesn't do anything to ruin everything. This was passable. I wouldn't mind hearing this again, I wouldn't mind if a thousand lives were lived before I heard it again.

61) "What's My Name," by China Anne McClain 81) "It's Goin' Down," Descendants 2 Cast

Listen. Am I upset that this young woman's villain song does not in any way hearken back to "Poor Unfortunate Souls" in any way? Of course. Am I 15 years aged out of the target market for this song? I mean fucking obviously, I knew we'd be treading in these waters eventually. These are fine generic pop songs, the only true flaw in any being the fact someone looked at purple-haired girl and said, "She should be in a rap battle. I think she could convincingly hold her own in a rap battle," like I'm sorry sweetie you have an abundance of other talents and zero bars. It's charming. It's charming! Listen. Am I ready for China Anne McClain to rule the world for five yet-to-be-determined years in the future? Yes. Do I love Captain Hook's gay son? I LOVE CAPTAIN HOOK'S GAY SON

77) "Issues," by Meek Mill 79) "Wins & Losses," by Meek Mill 83) "1942 Flows," by Meek Mill 96) "We Ball," by Meek Mill ft./Young Thug 97) "Fuck That Check Up," by Meek Mill ft./Lil Uzi Vert 99) "Heavy Heart," by Meek Mill

So if I'm rating the theme weeks of 2017: 1) Kendrick Week 2) Jay-Z Week 3) Future Week 4) Meek Mill Week 5) Migos Week 6) Ed Sheeran Week 7) Big Sean Week 8) Drake Week 9) Bryson Tiller Week I was honestly surprised by how much I enjoyed these songs. Like, I'm actually adding the Meek Mill album to the library for future listening. "1942 Flows" and "Wins & Losses" are legit, they're engaging songs and Meek Mill brings passion to them, and maybe I'm just unfamiliar with the rest of Meek Mill's catalogue, but I honestly didn't expect to be involved in these songs. This seems like a fine album with which to kill a summer bus ride or two. Like, I can't remember the last time I heard a song with a Young Thug feature where I wasn't paying more attention to what Young Thug was doing. Meek Mill did fine work. (Worth noting: Wins & Losses is 15 minutes longer than DAMN., and I am curious what makes Meek Mill think he has 15 minutes' more of worthwhile thought than Kendrick.)

91) "Imitadora," by Romeo Santos

It was "Heroe Favorito," right, where I said I might enjoy Romeo Santos' whole thing on another day, when I was ready to accept him into my life? WELL HOT DIGGITY, Y'ALL, 'CUZ TODAY'S THAT DAY. I love his breathy falsetto thing over this song way more, it just fits. I'm also in love with this track, this gentle Latin guitar with occasional blasts of indie platformer main menu music. I don't know a better term to express what I mean because I'm bad at music, but these synth blasts play in the intro and outro and occasionally come back and they just take this track to another level. This is just phenomenal work from someone I now understand to be a veteran in the scene from the past seven months of limited engagement with the world of Latin pop.

I changed the top of the 2017 Top 20 again. 20) "Bodak Yellow," by Cardi B (7.22) 19) "Woman," by Kesha ft./The Dap-Kings Horns (8.5) 18) "Smile," by Jay-Z ft./Gloria Carter (7.29) 17) "Love Galore," by SZA ft./Travis Scott (7.1) 16) "Bad Liar," by Selena Gomez (6.3) 15) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 14) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 13) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 12) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 11) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 10) "Strangers," by Halsey ft./Lauren Jauregui (6.17) 9) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 8) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 7) "Imitadora," by Romeo Santos (8.12) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) 4) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) Like #1 should be a mix of Most Impactful Song and Song I Enjoyed Most, and maybe #1 justifiably belongs to “Despacito” given how great that is, I’m still getting a lot of mileage out of “Issues,” and honestly as long as I’m not keeping up this silly idea that a song that was #90 for one week is the most iconic song of the year this useless list has at least some utility. Shoutout to the true heroes Paramore, though. And also Major Lazer, PARTYNEXTDOOR, and Nicki Minaj. I will never fucking forget you guys.

Who won the week?

2017 actually put up a rather strong fight, but there was no way Meek Mill and the Descendants 2 soundtrack were going to take down “Stronger,” even when it was being weighed down with Toby Keith. 2007 had a couple strong punches, and it was more than able to notch another point. 2017: 11 1997: 11 2007: 9 In next week’s post, we get to listen to Spice Girls AND Billy Joel, 2007 gives us Luke Bryan AND Robin Thicke, and I don’t know what fresh hell 2017 has in store but evidently Tay Tay collaborated with B.O.B. at some point in the recent past and it’s gonna be real fun to deal with B.O.B. the popular musician should it come to that. What an unproblematic and unremarkable artist who has precisely zero bad opinions which he expresses loudly!

[ahouseoflies]

The Best Films of 2018, Part IV

Scroll down for Parts I, II, and III. VERY GOOD MOVIES THAT STILL AREN’T TECHNICALLY GREAT--SEE, I LIED, NEW CATEGORY, WHICH REALLY SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THIS TIER IN 2018 AND MAYBE HINTS THAT THERE WEREN’T MANY MOVIES THAT I GENUINELY LOVED

44. Hotel Artemis (Drew Pearce)- It should be illegal to watch this movie before midnight because it is an exploitation flick to its core. Is it a problem that it's shaped like a triangle, that it starts wrapping up its answers the minute we understand what the questions were? Yes. Is that a problem that Jeff Goldblum, playing the Wolf King, wearing a double-breasted camel's hair coat like a shawl, can't fix? No.

43. Sicario: Day of the Soldado (Stefano Sollima)- Considering how much I liked Sicario, I'm impressed by how close its sequel came to its chilly hardness. Strangely enough, the craft suffers more from the absence of Jóhann Jóhannsson than it does from the absence of Denis Villeneuve. Aside from a lull at the two-thirds mark and the pulling of exactly one punch, this entry feels as vital and astute as the last one.

Which means the real auteur must be Taylor Sheridan. His script mimics the structure of the original while twisting its characters just askew enough to breathe new life into the material. His screenplays just sort of unfold in a way that I find organic--it's hard to even say what the conflict is until halfway through most of the time. And if he wants to write five more of these, I'll gladly take them.

42. The Other Side of the Wind (Orson Welles)- Like almost anyone else, I'm grateful that The Other Side of the Wind exists at all. The fact that it's so more personal and experimental than I expected is a bonus. It's kind of a mess until it congeals at the drive-in, but every choice still seems labored over. (The claustrophobic nature of the party versus the wide open spaces of the film-within-the-film, for example.) Nonetheless, it's hard to go to bat for a movie whose backstory is more captivating than the final product.

41. The Mule (Clint Eastwood)- Besides the breezy glide of the pacing, the performances stand out. Eastwood's is the type that we haven't seen from him in a while. He smiles a lot. He sings and dances and flirts. He's generally carefree and loopy. And he's contrasted with* a nervy Bradley Cooper in one of those humongous-star-taking-the-back-seat performances, sprinkling charisma the way Sean Connery did in The Untouchables.

But there is no elegance at all. Besides Chekhov's cough and the cheesy elbowing of "If only somebody had $25,000 to save the VFW Hall," we get the messy racial politics of Eastwood once again. Whereas Gran Torino worked for me because it's aware of its own racism, this one thinks that it's doing some good. The subtext is that an old White man would never catch trouble from police, but the text is a Hispanic man getting pulled over and nearly pissing himself for laughs. Hard to argue this isn't a fun time at the movies though, despite the fact that it's almost entirely about regret.

40. If Beale Street Could Talk (Barry Jenkins)- Too theatrical and outre for my taste, but it's easy to get lost in its cosmetic pleasures: the lush colors, the lavish costumes, the immaculate close-ups, the best score of the year. I liked it, especially the Brian Tyree Henry tangent, but as the movie is swooning over itself, it's easy to catch yourself thinking, "What is this even about?"

39. Can You Ever Forgive Me? (Marielle Heller)- Can You Ever Forgive Me? hits every beat you would expect from an "in over her head" crime movie, but the time that the film dedicates to the central relationship creates a rare intimacy. If you stopwatched it, I imagine the majority of the film would be McCarthy and Grant talking to each other. That focus, along with a resistance to smoothing over the characters' rougher edges, elevates a kind of boilerplate story.

38. Blockers (Kay Cannon)- Even if the ending is kind of exhausting, desperate to give each character his or her moment, this is hilarious. Not so much in the setpieces showcased in the commercials but frequently in an expression or line reading. The Blu-Ray has a line-o-rama gag reel that is funnier than some entire movies. It's pretty progressive and fair in its portrayal of young female sexuality too.

37. Game Night (John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein)- It gets a little tidy and full circle for my taste, but this movie has some great laughs while being a good example of a film that nails both the characters' "want" and the characters' "need." Rachel McAdams is winning, and Jesse Plemons steals all of his scenes.

Game Night also has way more of a filmic identity than one might expect, since it doubles as a sort of Fincher parody. Besides Cliff Martinez's insistent electronic score and some CGI-for-no-reason establishing shots, Daley and Goldstein borrow the auteur's desaturated palette, locked-down camera, and narrow light range. There's even an elaborate one-r. The visuals elevated a premise that had the potential to be really dopey.

36. First Man (Damien Chazzelle)- I think this is exactly the movie Chazelle wanted to make, but, to match my expectations or his filmography, it's not quite good enough. Cool to the touch, though anything else would be antithetical to who Armstrong was. In the shape of suspense, but with an outcome that is obviously never in doubt. Flipping to the IMAX ratio the second the crew docks onto the moon is a cool trick, but it's as innovative as things get.

The cast is game. Gosling's fastidious brooding resists any of his Movie Star charm but still holds every scene, and the framing of Armstrong's motivation works very well. Foy's reading of "a bunch of boys" is about to become a t-shirt. Kyle Chandler and Jason Clarke and the suddenly mature Patrick Fugit all get their moments. The final scene places the film into the Chazelle tradition of people whose calling is greater than even their most transcendent relationships, and a protest sequence is a welcome break from the eraser-streaked perfectionism.

I'm sorry that I wanted Apollo 13 instead of a hipper Apollo 13.

35. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (Bob Perischetti, Peter Ramsey, Rodney Rothman)- Within the course of one year, we got two possible solutions for the "problem" of inspiring but self-serious origin stories. At the beginning of the year, Black Panther mastered the form and presented it so solidly that it couldn't be argued against. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse goes the other way, so impressionistic that the final sequence is people flying through abstract shapes and colors, so irreverent that a character cuts someone off mid-sentence as he says, "With great power comes..." Though I would have trouble explaining the film, all of the dimensional comings-and-goings make sense in the moment, and it's easily the funniest Marvel movie ever made.

Maybe purposefully, it is overstuffed though. Six different iterations of Spider-Man is enough to juggle; I definitely didn't need a cadre of villains that was even less defined. I have to admit, even though I couldn't tell you what to cut, I was exhausted by the end, even if I was huffing and puffing fresh air.

34. Boy Erased (Joel Edgerton)- Many characters do bad things in this movie, but they're people trying to help and doing their best, justifying the pain that they're causing. This is a film that easily could have been drawn in caricature, and it never is. It does, however, draw the characters as fairly as they deserve, so the Joel Edgerton gay conversion therapist does wear bad ties and pronounce some words incorrectly. The Russell Crowe character, especially in the powerhouse final scene, is more complex and real, at least if I'm to judge by my own father, who has disturbingly similar moral authority and power moves k thx bai.

33. Won’t You Be My Neighbor? (Morgan Neville)- This one is more cohesive than 30 Feet From Stardom, but these Morgan Neville docs are sometimes too slick for their own good. If you've never made the "jerking-off motion" with your hand, then you'll be tested when he asks his subjects to close their eyes and imagine someone special to them.

That's not to say that the nearly pornographic reverence of Fred Rogers is not deserved or effective. And one of the most daring notes of the film is the suggestion that, in our hostile times, Rogers's message might not have stuck. The jabs at Trump aren't overplayed, but the president is sort of a pall over the entire film. When Rogers says, "The most essential things in life are invisible," it's hard not to imagine the person on our TV daily who is the antithesis of that idea.

32. Hearts Beat Loud (Brett Haley)- This is a heartwarming movie that ends on a high note with solid music. (Important because, if the music that the father and daughter made had been bad, the whole thing would have fallen apart.) Occasionally, it falls into that ensemble problem of "Good news: We got Ted Danson. Bad news: We have to find something for him to do." And it's a weird sideways ad for Spotify. But if I gave Begin Again three stars, then I have to kick this Once-core entry up to three-and-a-half.

If I may, though, I would like to analyze a recommendation that Offerman's record store owner makes to Collette's character. Since she's buying Dig Me Out by Sleater-Kinney, he puts her on to Animal Collective's Merriweather Post Pavilion, an album she has not heard of. Which is absurd. Forget that Animal Collective should not be recommended to any woman ever. Any person who knows Sleater-Kinney also knows Animal Collective. She would have heard of them if only because they would be a bad match for someone who likes Sleater-Kinney. But here he is all like, "Check out 'My Girls'--killer song." You're going to recommend the lead single, fam? You're not even going to go out on a limb and push "Bluish"? No wonder your store is shutting down if you're pushing free folk/art-punk onto riot grrls.

31. Western (Valesta Grisebach)- While I was watching Western, I can't say I was having too much fun. It seemed like an adequate story told in a patient, austere way. But in the days since then, I haven't been able to get it out of my head. The way that Grisebach gets so much out of non-professional actors, the way that each character seems to exist not so much as a person but as a totem for something like aggression or labor or exploitation or occupation. Like few other movies--though Beau Travail comes to mind--it's a portrait of masculinity that seems really resigned about its conclusions. 30. American Animals (Bart Layton)- I worry about the potential Boondock Saints effect of this movie: Do I want to be in the same number as the college dorm crew attracted to it only for its style? Is it only style? I don't think it adds up to much ultimately.

But it does have style, and it's way too fun of a caper flick to resist. It presents an interesting bridge in Bart Layton's career, from non-fiction that is a bit too fictional to fiction that is a bit too factual. The segments with the real people involved in the heist serve as decisive punctuation to the florid sentences of the narrative. I also appreciated that the film didn't dwell too much on the trial, since we know exactly where the boys faltered and what evidence did them in.

29. The Land of Steady Habits (Nicole Holofcener)- I loved the rich characterization of the first half, which resists hand-holding as it plops the viewer into a post-divorce setting that is familiar but specific. The film bounces off into tangents from there, some of which are great, but Edie Falco seems to draw the short straw. There are three actors on the poster--weird-voiced Ben Mendelsohn, Thomas Mann, and Falco--but her character is left undeveloped, a bit unfairly, as the proceedings favor the men. The film is still another ground-rule double for Holofcener, a filmmaker who gives the impression that she has no idea what a ground-rule double is.

28. Private Life (Tamara Jenkins)- I don't know anything about Tamara Jenkins's personal life, but there's no way that the details and emotion of the central couple's infertility don't come from her own pain. That frustration and obsession take center stage, and we get filled in with the rest of the details patiently as the film goes on. I don't think we even know what Giamatti's character does for a living until forty-five minutes in, and that's okay. The movie cares more about the supporting characters than I did, but I appreciated the lived-in realism of an apartment with books filling up the fireplace.

27. Flower (Max Winkler)- Although I didn't believe Zoey Deutch as a seventeen-year-old, I was impressed by this script, which moves slowly until it doesn't. I guess "Flower" is good branding since there doesn't appear to be a movie called that already, but I kind of wish this had just been called "Erica." It builds that character carefully, plants her in an impossible situation, then unleashes hell upon her.

An advantage of a movie with teenage characters is that they don't necessarily have to make the most logical decision in a given moment, so even when these characters are being dumb, they're being true to themselves. As the most prominent Zoey Deutch stockholder in North America, I actually thought about bumping this up an extra half-star.

26. Leave No Trace (Debra Granik)- Leave No Trace is partly about how existing outside of society can be as much of a contrivance as buying in, but the way the movie delivers that message is less ham-fisted than my description due to the intense performances at the center. Ben Foster, uncharacteristically restrained here, reportedly worked with Debra Granik to excise 40% of his dialogue, and that choice speaks volumes about the trust the film has for the audience in limiting the exposition.

The only thing holding me back was how exclusively internal the father-daughter story is. Unlike Granik's Winter's Bone, which functions as both a (similarly compassionate) coming-of-age story and a race-against-the-clock thriller, Leave No Trace is tracking only emotional growth. Will and Tom aren't headed anywhere in particular, which is part of the survival-versus-living point. But, you know, get you a Debra Granik movie that can do both.

25. Eighth Grade (Bo Burnham)- Socially terrifying when it isn't being effortlessly funny. Sometimes the protagonist is downright frustrating, which the film doesn't shy away from, but the vulnerability of Elsie Fisher's performance grounds everything around it. Besides nailing adult condescension, Burnham's script works because the big social disaster is always averted until it suddenly isn't, and that's when the moment hits the hardest. Somewhere in the back of my mind though, I kept thinking that perceptive realism is easy to do if that's your only goal. To quote the kids: "Some shade."

I spent most of the movie thanking God that YouTube channels didn't exist when I was thirteen.

24. Three Identical Strangers (Tim Wardle)- I'll be the millionth person to write "truth is stranger than fiction" with regard to this movie. And sometimes having no idea where a movie will go is enough. 23. Green Book (Peter Farrelly)- When a dramatic director makes a comedy, it often feels self-conscious and overt. I'm thinking about Von Trier's The Boss of It All, in which the technique is more important than any audience joy or release. Or Michael Haneke explaining tirelessly why he thinks Happy End is "actually a comedy." Unsurprisingly, the results work a lot better when a comedy director of twenty years decides to go more serious. He knows what audiences want, he already understands how to wring tension out of each scene, and all he needs is the right subject.

The last item is where Green Book suffers. In the end, this is still a movie in which a White guy learns not to be racist. The first third, there seemingly to insist that Tony is the main character, is shaggy. I would wager the men don't get into the car inside of forty minutes. But once we're on the tour? Man, is this a crowd pleaser. The men's respect for each other grows gracefully, and the film's proud sentimentality powers its best moments as they fly by at a clipped pace. I had given up on Farrelly after Hall Pass, which felt amateurish, so a work of such professionally manicured (manufactured?) emotion was a shock.

On a different note, are any of you interested in a thousand words on Linda Cardellini's posture?

22. Den of Thieves (Christian Gudegast)- Despite the February release date, a director with no track record, and the most #basic studio lead there is, Den of Thieves is a caper film as sprawling as it is humane. Even Potato-face Butler is perfect for his role.

I watched the unrated version, which should be called the "depressing version," since I know exactly what was cut. (Hint: The wordless scene of Butler's jilted family ignoring him when he sees them in the grocery store, not anything from the shoot-out.) There's a spot where I would end the movie, and it's way before the Keyser Soze epilogue, but this was a welcome surprise for me. The movie seems to find its star in O'Shea Jackson, Jr. as it goes, and I completely agree. Many more like this please.

21. The Front Runner (Jason Reitman)- Reitman starts with a complicated oner that cranes up and down, zooms in and out of new characters, and times itself perfectly to catch snatches of conversations about "how can you even lay this much cable?" And in all of its Altman-esque indulgence, it's kind of the movie in a nutshell. Something simple--a scene shot with one take--commenting on how damned hard it is. What seems like a straightforward thesis moves at a breakneck pace with a game ensemble until you realize that it was all more complicated than it seemed.

Hugh Jackman has the challenge of playing someone essentially unknowable, but he has an amazing moment in the first third. On the chartered boat called Monkey Business--such a bad look, dude--Gary Hart is composed and dignified until a woman we don't see* sits down across from him, and his whole affect changes. His guard drops, and he seems absorbed by her, giggly. We can't hear what he's saying, but he's asking her about herself and joking about himself. Both or one or neither of those personalities is the real guy. The Front Runner is a movie about a tragic Great Man, and they're always described as if they can't help themselves, as if they're fighting their demons until the magic moment when they aren't. Jackman made that magic real for me when Hart's personality fell out.

20. The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (Joel Coen and Ethan Coen)- Patently uneven and bizarrely sequenced, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs doesn't stack up to the Coens' major works--though it demands another viewing. I did think, in all of its bleak absurdism, that it belongs in their neighborhood. To me, there's a dichotomy that most of the brothers' films trace. We're all doomed, but the force that does us in is sometimes fate (A Serious Man, Inside Llewyn Davis, The Hudsucker Proxy, No Country for Old Men) and sometimes the stupidity of other people (The Big Lebowski, Blood Simple, Burn After Reading, Miller's Crossing). This new movie seems to start with the latter, waver sometimes in the more interesting middle stories when Zoe Kazan and Tom Waits break my heart, then end up at the former. Tracking such a thing in miniature can be really instructive.

19. The Tale (Jennifer Fox)- If you can look past Common's goofy voice and the more afterschool special aspects of this movie, then you can realize that it should actually, as disturbing as it is, be an afterschool special. It spins its wheels sometimes, but the questions that this movie asks about memory and abuse are invaluable. Presenting a downright shocking portrayal of grooming and secrecy, it avoids easy answers and over-sympathizing with the protagonist all the way through. (Especially notable because the character is "Jennifer Fox," and the director is Jennifer Fox.)

Laura Dern remains Laura Dern, but I loved Jason Ritter in this. Exactly because he has been in a hundred failed sitcoms, he is terrifying here as a devilish knock-off of the type of guy approachable enough to be on TV.

18. Paddington 2 (Paul King)- At first, during the extended introduction, I was worried that Paddington 2 was falling prey to the curse of the sequel: more, not better. But as each family member pays off what we learned about him or her in the introduction during a sprightly train setpiece that owes more than a little to Keaton, I realized that I shouldn't have doubted the Paddington empathy machine. This one carries over the humor and sweetness but goes even harder on the pathos in its attempt to convince us to have good manners and care about the people around us. I'm not sure any other movie this year hit me harder than when the Browns don't show up for their weekly meeting at the jail.

Hugh Grant, an actor who always seems to be having fun, has never seemed as if he is having more fun.

17. Set It Up (Claire Scanlon)- I guess I believe in true love now.

16. Blindspotting (Carlos Lopez Estrada)- The stylized climax is going to be polarizing, but I thought it was a heightened, artful moment whose seeds had been sown throughout. The film meanders, but its angles on subjects like gentrification and probation and identity show tenderness and openness, and Estrada's visual energy recalls early Spike Lee or Jarmusch or Aronofsky. It's worth seeing if only for its fresh sense of place.

The two leads play off each other especially well. If Daveed Diggs is the fourth lead or whatever of Hamilton, then I guess I finally have to see it.

15. Incredibles 2 (Brad Bird)- Incredibles 2 is a good example of a sequel rhyming with the original in a way that doesn’t feel like a retread. Accidentally topical in its subtext about just rule of law, the film hits upon some of Brad Bird’s ideas of exceptionalism and hope for the future while being slightly more cogent in that messaging than the original. (Slightly. The villain problem is still there. If superheroes are already illegal, then why employ and promote them at all if your goal is to make them even more illegal?)

This entry is a bit more overstuffed, less timeless, and less funny than the original. There’s nothing on the level of “Honey, where is my super suit?” which I still say to my wife fourteen years later. But the fight choreography and the textural animation take advantage of the gap in between films. The Paar family dynamic is altered only slightly, but it’s enough to re-invent the proceedings. Violet has more confidence in herself, Dash is more in control of his powers, and it’s the, yes, thicc Elastigirl who is working solo this time. Especially in the opening sequence, we see how each character’s skills complement the others’. If Finding Dory is the bar for “sequels to Pixar movies that didn’t need sequels,” then Incredibles 2 leaps over that bar.

14. Chappaquiddick (John Curran)- "We need to tell the truth. Or at least our version of it."

After the Kennedy Curse claimed JFK Jr., it seemed as if the culture reached a saturation point with Kennedy coverage. Aside from the occasional "Look who's dating Taylor Swift," we gave them their space. Who would have thought that twenty years later would be the perfect time to dust off the coldest case in the dossier?

See, now that we're having a national conversation about who gets the breaks, there's a little bit of extra weight lent to a scene of Ted Kennedy waiting for a sheriff he summoned as he drafts a statement at that absent sheriff's desk. A sheriff who then helps Kennedy to escape through a backdoor lest he answer any untoward question about his manslaughter. The film is delivered with an even pitch--especially the Jason Clarke performance that could have been overdone--but it makes no mistake about its real subject: privilege.

The attempts to keep Kennedy safe become more brazen as the film goes on, and each dodged consequence--getting Teddy's driver's license renewed on the low, for example--is balanced by Ed Helms's desperate performance as a voice of integrity. In all of the best tragedies, we know what's going to happen in the end. All along, the Kennedy Curse was that they are not like the rest of us.

13. Love, Simon (Greg Berlanti)- Can we all agree that an anonymous gossip web site for a high school is a bad idea? And that, though the film doesn't pursue this angle, the vice principal is the one maintaining it?

This propulsive, observant, and witty movie is an outright pleasure from beginning to end. Hocking spitballs at its PG-13 rating, its greatest strengths are having the courage to get dark and having the wisdom to give every supporting character his or her own moment.

[chelsorz07]

i don’t sleep and i can’t follow directions

I don’t take credit for these questions.

How many concerts have you been to? I’ve lost count. Dozens.

Have you been to any festivals? Warped Tour, three times.

Which artist/band have you seen the most live?  The Summer Set, four times. First concert you went to?  Clay Walker and Lorrie Morgan, 1994. Last concert you went to? Goo Goo Dolls at Darien Lake last year. We always try to go to the Buffalo shows since they’re from there and it’s the closest venue to our hometown. What is your next concert? As of right now, All Time Low in Pittsburgh July 25. It’s the day before my birthday so Dave got us VIP tickets. And I bought one for my sister.

Which artists/bands would you love to see live?  There are too many to name. A lot I’ve seen before. But my biggest one is Paramore. The farthest you’ve traveled to go to a concert?  Six hours. Four to get back home to pick up Dave’s brother and then another two from there to Darien Lake.

Best opening act you’ve seen? The first time I saw Set it Off they were opening for Every Avenue, and I fell in love with them immediately. And I love love loved Austin Gibbs when he opened for The Maine.   Worst opening act you’ve seen? They weren’t bad, per say, but I wasn’t really into Chester French when we saw GGD and the Spill Canvas. 

Have you met any bands/artists at a concert?  Louden Swain. What’s one thing you have to bring to a concert?  Camera. What’s the most you’ve paid for a ticket?  I think the last time I saw Alabama with my sister and her husband they were over a hundred apiece but my ticket was a birthday gift. Most I’ve ever paid was probably around $60. Best concert you’ve been to? Alabama both times, Goo Goo Dolls & Spill Canvas in 2010, and Every Avenue in 2012.   Worst concert you’ve been to?  I’ve never been to a bad one. Have you been in a social media post an artist posted after a show?  Probbbbably not. Funniest concert memory? This doesn’t have anything to do with the concert itself, but at Every Avenue my friend Tyler told me my hair looked voluptuous when he meant voluminous and we still laugh about it five years later.   Do you buy your tickets as soon as they go on sale, after, or the day of? Whenever I can.   Have you ever been noticed by an artist at a concert?  YES Alex and Jeremy from Mayday Parade both pointed at me when I was like two feet away from them.

Have you met any internet friends at a concert?  No but at Pittcon last year I made friends with the couple sitting next to me during Louden Swain and we still talk on twitter sometimes. Which concert that you’ve been to has had the best stage setup/production? Keith Urban for sure. Have you ever caught a guitar pick, drumstick, got a setlist, etc.? I got a guitar pick during Boys Like Girls a long time ago but I don’t know where it is. Favorite concert venue?  Darien Lake. Least favorite concert venue? Actually I’m not a fan of the First Niagara Center in Buffalo. Too big. 

Which do you prefer: indoor or outdoor concerts?  Outdoor unless it’s like a bar. Which do you prefer: clubs, theaters, arenas, or stadiums?  Clubs I guess. Does Darien Lake count as a stadium?  Have you ever missed school or work to go to a concert? I’ve taken off work but I had paid vacation time.   Have you ever been surprised with tickets from someone?  Yep. My family got me Keith Urban tickets for my 16th birthday. And for both Pittcon and the upcoming ATL show Dave surprised me. He just sent me screenshots of the order confirmations lol

Who do you enjoy going to concerts with?  Anyone. I live for concerts. General admission or seated concerts? Both. Have you been to multiple dates for one tour?  No but I would if I had the disposable income. Have you been to concerts 2 or more days in a row? Nope. Have you ever received free tickets from a contest or an artist’s crew? Nah, they were either birthday gifts or I bought them myself. Luckily my birthday falls right in the middle of prime concert season. Have you been front row and/or back row for a concert?  I’ve been right up to the stage at GA shows, never been way in the back. Have you ever gotten sick, bruised, or broken a bone after a concert? No I just always lose my voice from singing/screaming. Have you ever had surprise guests at a concert you attended?  Not really, but it was awesome when Jason Lancaster came out to sing Miserable at Best with Mayday Parade even though he was touring with Go Radio at the time.  Did you start listening to an opening act after you saw them in concert?  SET IT OFF!!! What’s the latest you’ve got home from a concert?  Jeez, like 3 or 4am I think. When is the earliest you’ve arrived to a venue for a concert? A couple hours before. Have you seen your favorite artist in concert?  Yes, several of them. Keith Urban three times, Goo Goo Dolls three times, and Alabama twice. This year will be my second time seeing All Time Low. Longest you’ve waited in line for a concert?  Like an hour maybe. Lines usually move along pretty quickly were I come from. Have you ever attended a concert alone? No, half the fun of going is being with friends. I have, however, broken off from my group at Warped if we wanted to see different bands that were playing at the same time. 

What’s the best part of a concert in your opinion?  Uh, everything? The music, the energy, the memories, the beer. It’s the only, literally ONLY, time I ever feel comfortable being around a huge crowd because we’re all there for the same thing and just totally feeling it all. It’s amazing.

Have you ever heard/seen an artist soundcheck before their show?  At Warped you kinda have to because everything moves so fast. What’s the biggest venue you’ve been to a concert at?  I mean the setup for Warped is pretty big but idk if it’s as big as First Niagara. What’s the smallest venue you’ve been to a concert at?  Bars for local bands. And yes, I believe they count. Have you ever had side stage seats?  No but I’ve been at a couple standing room shows where I got pretty damn close. Which venue have you been to the most concerts at?  Darien Lake. Do you post a lot about a concert you’ve attended on social media or very little?  Maybe a few posts each, unless it’s like a huge deal for me to have been there, then I’ll go nuts. Has a concert or tour you were planning on going to got cancelled?  Nope.

Have you seen a band in concert before a member left the band / they broke up?  Many. The best was Every Avenue on their last tour. Favorite song you’ve heard live?  It’s always Name. It’s not even my favorite GGD song but to hear it live is so much different. I get like legit emotional. Have you ever seen an artist/band play an album in full? No. I would have killed to see the Black Parade tour. Which artist would you refuse to see in concert?  Beyonce because she’s overrated as hell and probably super expensive. What’s the craziest thing a fan has done at a concert you’ve been to?  When I saw Breathe Carolina there was a dude in a gorilla costume and two other guys dressed like bananas and they crowdsurfed the whole time. It was hilarious. Which venue(s) would you love to go to for a concert?  CBGB, obviously, even though it’s gone and I have no other reason or desire to ever go to New York.  Have you ever been to a concert at a venue that no longer exists?  Mohawk Place in Buffalo closed not long after I was there for Set it Off/Every Avenue but they’re open again now. Have you ever lost something/got something stolen at a concert? I had an earring ripped out by a crowdsurfer once. Have people made fun of you or laughed because of how you were acting at a concert?  I doubt it. Everybody does crazy shit at shows. Have you ever been kicked out of a concert?  No. Has an artist thrown or spit water on you?  God yes, it’s awesome. Have you ever seen a security guard dance to a song at a concert?  Usually the most they’ll do is like stand there with their arms crossed and bob their head. Have you seen any acts you don’t like at a concert?  Not necessarily don’t like, just maybe openers that I’d never heard of but wasn’t feeling too much. Have you ever passed out or thrown up at a concert?  Definitely haven’t passed out. I almost threw up at Warped one year because it was so ridiculously hot though. Have you seen any artists in concerts that you don’t like anymore? I don’t think so. Once I like somebody I pretty much like them for life.