#but im pretty happy with what i made this year i think!
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massage | bang chan, han, felix, seungmin
summary. you're sore and stressed but luckily your boy is there to help. collab with @httpdwaekki <3
type. requested <3
warnings. fem!reader, use of terms like "missy", "pretty girl", mentions of wearing a bra
words. 1000 / blurb
a/n. here she is!!! these were so hard to make lmao but once inspiration struck it went like a charm :3 im so excited about this little project because it’s a collab with one of my favorite human in the worldddddddd @httpdwaekki <3 thank you sm for doing these with me :3 for minho, changbin, hyunjin and jeongin’s part go on her profile!
part 2
bang chan
As a choreographer, you have to work physically for hours on end. Your day-to-day life consists of a never-ending workout. With the years, you've become accustomed to it. Your body is now a well-oiled machine. But even you could push yourself a little too hard occasionally.
Working in the same building as your boyfriend often had its advantages, like shared meals and quick kisses between breaks. But it also had the disadvantage of exposing yourself to his watchful eyes whenever you pushed yourself too much. Between meetings, Chan often came for a surprise visit.
Just now you could see from the corner of your eyes, his lean and muscular shape enter the room. His gaze warm and joyful at first, then suspicious when he noticed you were hobbling around the studio. You had been working really hard to choreograph a new solo and in your creative trance, might have forgotten to pace yourself a little. You did allow yourself a quick break to hug him, hearing him whisper in your ear a quick "Be careful," in between kisses.
When you finally couldn’t take it anymore and decided to head home, you hesitated in front of the studio door. It was your habit to give Chan a quick goodbye kiss before going home but you didn’t think you could do that without him noticing how much your legs trembled. Not up for a lecture on top of your exhaustion, you swiftly left the building, deciding on a quick text instead.
When you got home, you jumped in the shower, the warm water almost making you moan as it soothed your abused muscles. You changed into comfortable clothes before you got started on a quick dinner.
When Chan finally came home it was late, you were sprawled on the couch looking extenuated. He couldn't stop a slow smile from spreading on his lips as he stared at you. Your hair was still slightly wet, you were wearing his favorite pajamas and clutching a plushie on your chest. You usually liked to play on your phone while you watched a show, but you must have been really spent out because your phone was nowhere to be seen and your empty gaze was fixed on the TV.
"Hi sweetheart," he said in a soothing voice as he crouched to kiss the top of your head. You grumbled in return, gaze still hypnotized by the documentary series you'd been watching. You heard him forage in the fridge in search of something to eat. "I made chicken, rice, and a salad. There's some left over for you on the stove," You heard his little 'Ooooh' of happiness and couldn't keep a smile in. He quickly grabbed a plate and came back to eat next to you. Of course, not before giving you a quick peck and saying thank you for the meal. Once done, he laid down on the couch, focused on answering some messages on his phone. After a while, you beard him sigh and close his phone, "Ready to go to bed?"
You nodded yes but when he got up, made no move to follow. He looked at you with his eyebrows lifted. "You're not coming?"
You sighed, took a long look at your legs, then back at him, and answered shamefully. "I will be honest with you. I don't think I can." He looked at you with that tight lip, furrowed brows expression he always had when he was confused about something. He looked at your legs, trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with them until he realized you hadn't moved since he came home. "So you did you push yourself too hard you little liar." You knew from his tone that he was unhappy with you and felt a bit dumb for thinking you could have ever hid this from him. You grumbled a 'might have', he didn’t miss. He exhaled with a disbelieving smile before sitting down next to you. "Can I do anything to help?" You played nervously with your fingers, uncomfortable to request what you really needed. He searched for your gaze, but you wouldn't look at him, keeping a precise focus on your twisted fingers. "couldyoumassagemylegs."
"What?", he laughed.
"couldyoumassagemylegs."
His eyes light up when he finally made sense of your mumbled request. "Massage your legs? Of course, why do you look so shy, angel?" He had that cute taunting smile on his lips. There was no way in hell he wouldn't help you, but still, he loved to taunt you especially when you got shy like this.
"I always feel kinda awkward asking for massages."
"You shouldn't, you work hard. You deserve all the massages you want." He moved down to sit closer to your extended legs, and calmly laid his warm hands on them before he started moving in circular motions. You couldn't help a few whimpers at first, it hurt like a bitch. He apologized profusely, encouraging you to weather it, knowing it would get better soon. "I know baby. I'm sorry."
Slowly, as the blood started circulating in your muscles, a relaxing feeling spread in your body. You were limp like a noodle, completely abandoned to Chan's strong hands massaging the pain away. He lifted his head after a few minutes of diligent massaging and giggled as he looked at you, eyes closed, mouth slightly opened, about to doze off. He stopped, earning a groan of protest from you, "You're about to fall asleep, I promise I'll continue, but in our bed."
You opened lazy eyes, deciding idea wasn't half as bad. He approached you, arms opened to carry you upstairs. "Come here, girl." He groaned a little when he picked you up, mostly out of habit than because of real strenuous effort. You wrapped your arms tight around his neck, nuzzling in his warm skin. He giggled at the touch but kissed the side of your head with a smile as he carried you, bridal style to your room, wantqing you to be able to fall asleep comfortably in bed as he massaged the ache away.
han
"Jesus reese peanut butter cup, that hurt," you mumbled as you clutched your hand to your chest. "Y/n, you okay?" you heard Minho call out from upstairs. "Yeah, I'm fine," you quickly answered, not wanting him to come downstairs and find out you had, in fact, dropped a heavy piece of furniture and strained your hand and shoulder as you tried catching it. Han's head poked around the corner of the stairs, his fluffy hair falling around his cheeks. "You sure you okay, babe? We heard a loud noise." You nodded with a tight smile, not wanting to worry him unnecessarily. The thing is, maybe you should have told someone because as time went on the pain only kept getting worse. But you were almost done moving Minho into his new apartment, so you decided to take on yourself and not say anything.
You did your best to hide your discomfort, but apparently, you weren't doing an excellent job of it. You could feel your boyfriend's worried glance every now and then. Each time you tried smiling or acted as if you didn't notice it, even when he confronted you.
After a quick dinner, Han suggested you join him in the shower, an adorable grin on his lips. You nodded with a smile and waited for him to leave the room before you tried lifting off your shirt. You managed to do it with lots of whimpering and cries of pain. Thankfully, with the shower running, he didn't hear, but once you got in, it got harder to hide the state you were in.
"You ready to tell me what was going on now? You acted really weird today."
You gave him a feeble smile, "I was just really tired. It was a big day." He nodded, not looking very convinced, and tried to put his hand on your shoulder to comfort you. Even the slight weight of his hand made pain course through your nerves and you backed in the corner like a wounded animal. His brown eyes rounded with worry. "What's going on?"
"I dropped something earlier and when I tried catching it, I strained my arm. It's been hurting more ever since."
The emotions on his face immediately swapped for a seriousness you had rarely seen before. He took a moment to look at the way you let your arm rest limp on the side of your body before he ushered you to come closer.
"Come here baby, I promise I'll be careful."
You stepped towards him and watched as he took a rag and some soap and started gently washing your body, making sure to be extra careful around your hand and shoulder. Once done with the washing, he asked you to wait as he exited the shower. He came back with a towel wrapped around his hips and another open in his arms, ready to welcome you. If you weren't hurting so much, you would have swooned at the sight in front of your eyes but the relentless zap of pain coursing through your upper left side wouldn't allow it.
He dried you delicately and helped you put on one of his oversized t-shirts. The fabric hung on your skin and his comforting smell filled your nose. "I'm okay Ji, I just need to rest. You don't have to do all this."
He was swiftly getting dressed but stopped to look at you with furrowed brows. "This is not okay, you're hurt." He approached to grab your face in his hands, his brown eyes set on yours, his wet hair hanging on his forehead in soft curls. "I will take care of you. Go sit on the bed, I'll be right there, okay?"
He kissed the tip of your nose and gently nudged you towards your bedroom. You heard him rummaging in your small kitchen before he came back with a small towel and ice pack in his hands.
"Ice is good for sore muscles. It slows your blood flow, so it helps with inflammation and pain." He quickly explained as he sat next to you.
You winced when he wrapped your shoulder with the towel and ice despite his delicate manoeuvers. But he was right because just a few minutes in, you laid back in bed relishing in the break you were finally getting from the constant ache.
"Does that feel better, love?" You nodded with your eyes closed. You heard your boyfriend giggle and felt his hand softly grab your hurt one and start carefully massaging it. He pulled on each of your fingers softly and asked you to do a few movements, monitoring closely your reactions.
Once done, he sighed with relief. "Well, I'm glad to announce nothing is broken. It's a really bad sprain, but you should get better soon."
You opened your eyes to meet his focused gaze. "How do you know so much about this?"
His hands kept moving in circular motions as he answered with a small smile. "I was a trainee for years, practicing for hours. I've also been an idol for seven years now. Believe me, sprains are a daily occurrence in our field. We've all learned to treat and assess them pretty quickly."
You stayed silent for a beat, "As much as I think it sucks that you have to deal with these injuries because of the intense pace of work you've been thrown into since a young age, I must say I'm pretty glad you have this knowledge tonight." You smiled and softly stroked the side of his face with your good hand. "I also admit, I like seeing you like this. The whole 'nurse jisung' knowing all about my injury, able to assess and care for it, is pretty hot."
At the subtle meaning behind your words and tone, he lifted his head swiftly, a spark of interest illuminating his dark eyes. "Do you, now?"
You bit your lower lip as you slowly nodded, your eyes fixed on his plush lips. You tried leaning forward to kiss him but even the small movement made you whimper in pain. Immediately Jisung pulled back, "Okay, okay, relax Casanova. Keep your flirting for when you're able to move without sounding like an old grandma, okay?"
He laughed at the pout on your lips before leaning down to give you a quick peck. "Better than nothing, right?"
felix
Working as a marketing manager could be definitely more stressful than you imagined. Still, you wouldn't exchange your career for anything else. You loved the creativity your work allowed you to unleash. Even when it meant spending entire days sitting in front of a computer or crouched on a model for a presentation, like today. You tried massaging your sore neck as best you could on the bus ride home. Your day had been packed and your shoulders, neck, and back were killing you. You were about to select a podcast to listen to when you noticed a text you had received a few minutes ago.
You closed your phone with a giddy smile. It wasn't often that your boyfriend got home before you. You felt butterflies in your stomach at the thought of having some one-on-one time with your busy partner.
When you got home, you didn't even call out his name. You knew where he would be. You dropped your bag and coat in the entryway and headed quietly for his gaming room. As predicted, you found him sitting in his chair, an empty bottle of water next to him. He looked breathtaking and adorable at the same time. He didn't hear you coming in with his headphones. His dark eyes focused on the screen, his tongue darting out to lick his lower lip from time to time. You knew better than to disturb him before his game ended so you waited for the screen to go back to the main menu before you pounced. Felix let out a high-pitched scream and grabbed his chest as if trying to keep his heart inside. Once he realized who held him, he wrapped his arms as well as he could from his position around you. "Hey, ladybug."
"Hey sunshine," you answered with a kiss on his cheek. "What do you think of dino chicken nuggets for dinner tonight?" you asked with a little smile, your lips still pressed against his skin.
"Is that even a question?" he answered with a mischievous grin.
You ended up eating on the couch with a bottle of ketchup nearby. After your high-quality meal, you decided to settle down with a fun show you had started together some time ago. Quickly, Felix laid his head on your lap, asking you with the cutest puppy eyes if you could play with his hair. Without hesitation you started drifting your hands in the silky smooth strands of his hair, using from time to time your nails to delicately scratch his scalp, eliciting deep sounds of satisfaction from him.
A while in, you started moving around, trying to find a position where your back wasn't uncomfortable and your neck didn't feel strained. You tried not to bother him, but Felix was quick to notice your wiggling.
"Are you alright baby? Do you need to go to the bathroom?"
"No, it's just my neck and back are killing me." You finally admitted. He lifted himself up on his elbows to look at you with questioning eyes. "I've been working on this model for the past few days and I think all the crouching and bad posture is finally catching up to me."
He pouted before sitting up to drop a pillow on the ground between his legs. He backed up on the couch, making more room for you to sit. "Come on, sit down. I'll give you a massage."
You stared at him, flushed and unsure. "But, you asked me to play in your hair. I didn't say this to stop I was just-"
He cut you off with a stern look, "C'mon angel."
Begrudgingly, you slid down the couch to sit in between his legs. By the time his hands started professionally massaging your sore muscles, you were basically purring like a kitten. "Do you like that?" He giggled, loving to see you so happy and relaxed. You sighed with pleasure. Your brain felt so deliciously relaxed, that it was hard to even find words. "I admit you're really good at this, but you could do anything and I'd love it."
"Really? But you never ask for them!" You're always giving him massages whether it's after a particularly intense practice or to help him relax. On the other hand, Felix can barely count the number of times you asked him.
"You work so hard, it feels wrong to ask you to give me a massage after you've already spent the day using your body so much. I don't want to be an added task to your day."
He crouched to position his chin in the crook of your neck, his hands gently wrapping around your middle. "Are you telling me it feels like a task when I ask you to massage me?" he taunted, but you could hear the slight smile in his deep voice. "Well…" you started off, implying it was, but started to squeal when his fingers tickled your skin. "Okay! OKAY! I'M JOKING! FELIX!!"
With a laugh, he stopped and kissed your cheek lovingly. "It's the same for me. Helping you feel good when you've been working hard or just because you need to cool down is in my job description as your boyfriend, okay? Plus, you know I love giving massages. So no more feeling shy or guilty, understood?" His lips on your ear sent tingles down your body as you nodded. "Or else, I might have to tickle you again…" You opened your eyes wide at the threat in his words. "I promise, I promise! You can massage me as much as you want!"
seungmin
Today, like every other lately, was an unbearable pain in the ass. Work was stressful, and Seungmin had been stressed with his and the boys’ upcoming comeback. Making it so that your day-to-day constantly looked like one big anxious mess. You felt so pressured and under tension that unknowingly, your body had started to reflect your state of mind. Your shoulders were constantly tensed, scrunched up by your ears and you had to constantly remind yourself to take a deep breath, loosen your shoulders, and the tightening of your jaw.
You headed to Seungmin's apartment after work feeling tired as ever. You’re only consolation being that it was finally friday and you’d get the whole weekend to chill out and rest. When you entered and called out his name and were only met with silence, it confirmed what you thought, he wasn't home.
You stared for a second more at his texts, he seemed so tired it made your heart ache. Dropped at your feet, you looked at your bag and coat, then at your sweatpants hanging by the laundry basket. Your whole body screamed at you to take off your bra, change in comfy clothes and play cozy video games in the couch. But you couldn’t stop thinking about your hardworking boyfriend. Seungmin would never ask for it, but you knew he needed help. He was stressed, and barely had time to do things outside the company building. Dishes accumulated in the sink, dust covered almost every inch of the furniture, and mountains of clothes were displayed near the washing machine. Plus, you knew it had been at least a week since he had the time to eat a decent meal. So despite the fatigue and your own needs, you rolled up your sleeves, tied your hair up, chose your best playlist, and got to work.
When he finally came home, you were even more tired, but you felt satisfied knowing you might have helped remove some of his burden. He came home looking happy and relaxed for the first time in a week. You were relieved to notice that the tensed position of his shoulders seemed long gone. He hung his coat and looked at the pristine state of his apartment with a surprised expression. "What happened here?" he looked around, finding everything neatly organized, cleaned and put away. There were even two plates set out on the table and a delicious aroma wafted from the kitchen. "Why did you do all of this?" he questioned while walking over to you sprawled on the couch like a slug.
"I wanted to help. I know you've been really stressed with your comeback and didn't have the time to do this stuff, so I took care of it."
He kept staring at you with his piercing gaze. "You look tired," he stated while analyzing your posture.
"Work was intense today, but I'm fine." With a muffled grunt, you got up and reached your hand out for him. "I'm okay Min I promise. Come on, let's eat!"
At no later than 8:30pm you were tucked in bed while he changed. He noticed the neatly folded pieces of clothing in his wardrobe and poked his head out, a few rebel strands hanging over his eyes. "You even did the laundry and folded this chaos?"
You hummed in answer, not lifting your eyes from your phone. You couldn't see it, but you felt his gaze on you, studying. You refused to cross his eyes, not wanting him to know how much it had cost you to do all this. You still didn't regret it, but you didn't think you could get up for the rest of the night. The mattress dipped where he sat next to you, draping his arm over your covered legs. "Why?"
"Why what?" He picked up your phone from your hands to reclaim your full attention. His eyes shone with a determined light; he wouldn't give this up. With a sigh, you took your glasses off and wiped your face with your hands. "I wanted to help you, I know how stressed you've been with everything and I wanted you to be happy."
"So you keep saying. I really appreciate it but you didn't have to do that. I feel much better. I think we're finally ready for our comeback. I promise I'll be back to my neat freak behavior." You chuckled lazily, glad to hear he was finally feeling a bit more confident. "I'm sorry I didn't notice how much this whole thing affected you. I'm ashamed to realize I haven't been really present for you lately. How are you? How has work been?"
You grabbed his hand, feeling thankful for his sweet consideration, and admitted how exhausted you really were. "I just want to feel relaxed for once. It feels like I haven't been able to in weeks."
Your puppy-eyed boyfriend looked at you with a pensive gaze before suddenly asking you to turn on your belly. You did so with little question, and soon felt his expert hands massaging your abused back.
"Seungmin! What are you doing?" You squealed and tried to wiggle out from his grip. He softly, but firmly pushed down on your shoulders blades to keep you from moving. "Stop," he grumbled.
"You don't have to do that. You had a big week. I’m sure there’s a thousand things you’d rather do than give me a massage."
"That’s where you’re wrong. Taking care of my partner is important and a priority to me." He shushed you, "Why is it so hard to convince you to let me take care of you?"
You stayed silent for a few seconds before explaining how you always felt you needed to care for others. "It's not like I don't like it, but I don't really know how to let people take care of me."
You waited for an answer in silence, worried he might give you a lecture (he was good at that) but were surprised when you felt him bend down with his mouth by your ear. You felt a soft kiss on your temple before he whispered, "Then I'll teach you."
#ilya writes#ilya texts fics#ilya collabs#stray kids#stray kids x reader#stray kids fluff#bang chan#lee know#changbin#hyunjin#han skz#felix skz#seungmin skz#i.n skz#bang chan x female reader#han x female reader#felix x female reader#seungmin x female reader
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Babagril I adore clipped wings and you are feeding my insatiable hunger for heavy angst and impeccable writing but I am a littol concerned about how fast you're putting chapters out recently. I know they've been on the shorter side compared to the beginning but plase don't push yourself too hard okies? We can wait, I just don't want you getting burnt out or something :(
Also you are so meanies to us why must Donnie constantly go through the horrors its the fic ive always craved and I am sobbing, thank youuu
hey hey im fine!! i should probably clarify that im genuinely just a fast writer and im. yknow. an unemployed 18 year old who doesnt have much to do other than stuff like this, and im fed and moved along by all the praise and kindness. you dont have to worry about me!! honestly a HUGE thing im aiming for while writing CW is the joy of getting to complete something, i actually crank these chapters out in like a sitting if im in a good mood LOL (theyre kind of scrappy, but im trying to combat my perfectionism. pretty much every time ive said im gonna take a bit i find myself too excited to, ive got a big hyperfixation on CC at the moment and all of the good reception has gotten me even more hyped bghdghfh. you have NO idea how much i stare at the fanart you guys have made for me ily....). for my next project i plan on writing a lot in advance and pacing myself better (especially because i want to do longer chapters for it), but for CW im happy to just speed through!!
^^ helped along by the fact that im trying to avoid making chapters long for the sake of it now. i dont really have a goal in mind for wordcount with this next set, because i think i want to think in what progresses more than that
and thank you!! teehee the thing i want to move to next is so much sillier but i do enjoy taking a real good dip into The Horrors....... not sure where i'll be going after wwww but its planned to be a HUGE undertaking anyway. but i will probably be returning to the horrors. and maybe CVD ive missed her my love
#ask#i probably got so invested in donnie because i am an INSANE workaholic when it comes to my writing#its my one Thing. i was always considered prodigious in it and nothing else so i attach pretty much Everything to it#im the person who wrote a 11k word narrative essay in seventh grade. for funsies#just the kind of person i am. ive always been super go big or go home with it#i like the DAZZLE..... i live to impress. probably why i was mad CL couldnt be a oneshot#it was such a flex.... oh well#finally having actual praise for my work. like REAL praise#is what's making me go so fast and so hard. ive been starved!!#i relate a little too much to that fuckin purple guy sometimes and it makes me UNCOMFORTABLEEEEE#even then i feel like i could do better. i could go harder. YOU HAVENT SEEN MY PEAK#okay yes you have it was CL. BUT ONE DAY IM GONNA DO IT AGAIN
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anotha yer full of funny hedgehogg
#sth#art summary#i was#so busy this year#but im pretty happy with what i made this year i think!#asb_art
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woosang ♡ for @miinsang
#lunagifs#luna.gifs#*ateez#*wooyoung#*yeosang#the woo to my sang the san to my woo#u tease me a lot... A LOT!!!#but u always take care of me too n ur just like woo in that way...#it's crazy to think of how many years it's been already#i can say without a DOUBT that you are one of the reasons i made it thru the panini and all that#we've been thru lots of friend groups and changes in friends and all that a lot together#and i know we joke about it a lot but really im so happy that we've stayed with each other thru it al :((#i cant imagine having to go thru that alone esp when it felt like it just kept happening over and over#and when i had to finish uni alone at home i would always be super down bc i didnt get to go out and make friends#but one of the reasons i was still okay was bc i had you and i knew i could always bother you 👹#we're both pretty quiet when things bother us#and it still amazes me that we've been friends for so long and have never fought i'd never had a friendship like that until i met you :((#but sometimes you'll come to my dms and know exactly what's bothering me without me saying a WORD!!!#thank you for always being there for me and letting me be there for you in return
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littlest pet shop officially coming back in just a few months nobody talk to me nobody touch me nobody look at me .
#AND IN THE OLD STYLE TOO .... i actually like some of the newer ones#(and by newer ones i mean like. generation 6? i think is what it was?)#(not the huge drastic reboot that happened and made every 10 year old on earth demand it be changed back but a bit after that)#but i definitely like the older ones better and im so happy to see them coming back </3#i have some of basic fun's g1 mlp reproductions and theyre pretty good in my opinion. so hopefully i can trust them with lps as well#sorry for being cringe. well i dont know what you expected i literally post about sonic all the time
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thank you for making good art and having correct opinions about saria and silence 🙏 🙏
waaa hjgjgj thank you! I try my best to keep their characters accurate all the while having headcanons that makes them interesting :] it's the most important part to me
#an entire year of looking at content about them helped me to know what I enjoyed and what I didn't#and a lot of things made me uncomfortable and I just decided to go around them and think differently#im pretty happy with how I view them#the most important part is their personalities and character growth but also how they fit each other and work together!!#askiwi
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survived Badly (argh) but going to work on fic for as long as I continue to enjoy doing so then switch over -- see if I can find somewhere to watch The 400 Blows and probably cry forever and dehydrate and feel soooo sad and then feel better after. Thank you French New Wave
#boooo whatever saying nonsense nothing matters delete later#somebody should invent a proximity to your parents that doesn't immediately make you so emotionally weird forever#overdramatic. Im feeling fine im eating some crackers and lying around chilling. Just. Weird. Off Balance..#Mild Disturbance in my Year of Exceptional Emotional/Mental Chill#not gonna let it break my 2024 streak of feeling generally Pretty Freakin Good and mostly Recovered From The Lost Year#Which btw. can I say... have i said...? Genuinely having one of the nicest years of my life so far... feeling really pretty good#mfw having more control over your life + surroundings + choices + living circumstances means you can genuinely#meaningfully improve ur day-to-day lived experiences and find what works for u to keep u happy + healthy + excited about life... magic#anyway. brief Huh I Feel Kind Of Bad And Sad In A Deeper Way Kicked Off By But Unrelated To Events Of The Day moment earlier#really made me realize how exceptionally good I've had it so far this year... i think... it's possible... things Do Get Better#anyway. ok done Tag Blogging now. just hope everyone enjoys a nice treat or something. get good sleep enjoy ur time change if it applies#watch a movie or something. idk have fun guys have a good night
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Art vs Artist 2023!! 💥 I didn't expect the year to be so colourful... but there is a Severe lack of purples. Anyway, it was a literal struggle trying not to add Pavitr art because he keeps infiltrating every month T-T
Happy to say I'm proud of the art evolution! Thank you Spider-Verse for pushing me outside the box and really embracing the fun and whimsical style of Mumbattan. Who knew mimicking old timey comics would be so much fun?
high quality versions of the above images under the cut!!
i fuckin love this clip i want it tattooed on my soul
#i'm so very grateful for spiderverse giving me such a boost in terms of art style#atsv came along and i tried to cement myself as “you're that guy who draws pavitr all the time” and like. mission accomplished?#been up to my eyeballs with so many things in my real life and feeling pretty low all the time. but im glad i still had the energy-#-to pump things out every now and then. the art and its evolution is more or less a sign im still doing stuff#in fact i think a big reason for the departure from my old style was simply because the new one encouraged me to have fun#like “it don't need to be perfect. messy lines are a part of the charm. bleeding colours and imperfect inks are what makes art cool”#so in a way i think changing art styles made ME feel a lot a better about myself and what i do to some extent#but yeah. other than that... if you told me to name anything interesting that happened to me this year i couldn't tell you#it's just not that kind of year for me#i got chalice of the gods for my birthday tho! so that was a real blast to the past#might post some doodles i've made of some scenes pretty soon#happy 2023 yall!! manifesting that next year is a good one#art vs artist#artoftheagni#art vs artists 2023
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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heyyyyyy <3 <3 i feel terrible.
i had planned to stay off longer but i genuinely have had like three nervous breakdowns since i left bc right as i decided it was abt time i just chill for a little bit everything started happening all at once. so i came back to see my silly little internet friends, but like the second i logged back on some ppl were talking smack abt me sooooooooo... ya know. my day (two weeks) be so fine,, then BOOM my entire schedule fills up and i become hollow on the inside! (hey sorry like vent post n tags i need to get things out of my brain)
#spikes rambles#i was happy there for a minute too :<#heres what its looking like rn....#i have three weddings. one of which i am a bridesmaid for and was left to get my own dress#but i cant afford a nice dress that matches. so i have to make one my damn self. and in two weeks.#i have a graduation.. and a graduation party both for different ppl#even tho i had to push back my own graduation by a full year bc things were just not going as planned. and now everyone thinks im a failure#im volunteering to teach at a kids summer camp like thingy. i was supposed to have a partner but i was told that she actually#wants nothing to do with me and was forced into this but i was under the impression that we would be teaching TOGETHER#and not her being an assistant. so now i have to call her and be like heyyyyy what the fuck is going on i need to know the lesson plan#im also volunteering for a church summer thing. if i could i wouldnt be doing this but my self made mother figure asked me personally#to help and i cant say no to this. we get to hang out and i get to paint like murals and shit and we've been doing this together for years#i have to spend the weekend with my bio mother to go to a celtic festival thing bc my younger brother wants to go.#i'm having some pretty severe best friend problems which i am honestly not well equipped enough to deal with and its eating me away inside#summer has officially started here so that means 24/7 headaches and sensory problems. straight up category 5 autism moments#i had to pick up the slack and become a paternal figure to my youngest brother. which is just sad that i have to at all#my dear beloved friend is trying very hard to make a young adult like hangout (???) thing in own town and really wants me to go#but i just dont wanna. i dont really care for social gatherings#hey guys btw all this has happened or was planned for next month in the two weeks i was gone#what the fuck.
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#i am so in love its unreal. never have i ever before felt this wealth of human emotions so concentrated over the past month and a week#genuinely mind boggling how talking to logan more and more and then dating him has literally made me feel likr a new man.#not that im different or that i absolutely need him to function in my day to day life#but its the richness that being in love brought to my life that was unexpected#i had a thing with another online friend like 4 yrs ago and it never felt like much admittedly. i almost gave up dating when he broke it off#bc i thought there was something to online dating that wasnt cutting it and i didnt stand a chance at meeting someone irl#and that entire time i knew logan at least a little bit but we didnt really begin talking often until like#6 months ago maybe? and just the more we talked the more we clicked ajd i liked him so much but i was so afraid that it wouldnt be mutual#and i was so afraid that even if he is in what feels like a pretty open polycule hed never ask me out or anything#and then he did and my world felt like it exploded into a cacophony of colors and sounds and feelings and emotions#like something had been unlocked in me that hadnt been touched in years. my ability to love.#and with that came some of the most upsetting spiraling intense depressive states of my life. but it was okay. it still is okay.#its only been a bit over a month but it feels like so much more than that bc i feel like everything is so much more vivid now#i also think im beginning to take a very particular fondness to someone else in the cule but im so not stating who or expanding upon it#he also makes me really happy but i dont think im ready to take that step yet. even if it would be a dream come true.#i love what i have now and i dont want to complicate it yet.#a extremely loving and charming boyfriend and a couple of other close friends who happen to also be dating him is good. its awesome#i just. i dont know. i dont know how logan would feel abt it. i dont know abt how other guy would feel abt it.#sometimes im not even sure how i would feel abt it#aughghhhhhhhh. yeah. human emotion. love for my boyfriend who is beautiful and loving and charming and funny and talented. ueh#i dont think he reads these rambles. sometimes i hope he does. sometimes i hope he doesnt. i love him so much#i dont want to worry him with my shit constantly but it would also be nice to worry him with it occasionally#logan if you see this i love you more than words could ever describe. im so happy that ur in my life and that you chose me to be in ur own#gamey rambles#💜
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i looked at a 3-4 old drawing in comparison to the thing im drawing rn and got emotional
#IVE IMPROVED SO MUCH WTF....#im pretty much at the skill level ive always wanted to be...#which makes sense. because i always made sure my goals would be achievable. but also WHAT THE FUCK#My past self would be crying at this drawing.#I was thinking that it wasnt turning out the best but its passable but. oh mu godddddd 13 year old me and 9 year old me are SOBBING#thiking about when i was like7 and reading the comics my 9 yera old brother made and thinking ''ill never be this good at drawing''#And just. What the fuck#remembering being so little and trying to draw professor utonium from powerpuff girls and getting so frustrated because i kept forgetting#if i was drawing the outside or the inside and making the arm come to a point by the shoulder#and despite how hard i found it.i kept trying. and. luike. look at what im making now. what the fuck man.#I perservered and im so happy with all the art i make and knowing i can and willkeep going and keep getting better and AUGH#me tag🍭#look at your old art. its so fucking healing.
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Okay so i havent completely come to terms with it yet but WE WON THE HP CODEWARS (a coding competition in teams) AND WERE ACTUALLY GOING TO HOUSTON TO COMPETE IN NEXT YEAR'S COMPETITION WHAT
#what what what#what the fuck#(only adding the pic of me alone bc im too lazy to ask my friends for permission lol)#no but really what#like we knew we had options to make podium but no way we were going to win#we didnt even rlly believe we would actually make podium before starting bc there were some rlly good teams#(we kinda know everyone good so that was easy to spot)#and then after the competition we were like huh we did pretty badly we think#then we thought again and compared with last year and we said huh maybe not suuuuper bad but not rlly good either#(last year it was online and you could have a computer per person but this year it was only one so it was rlly different)#amd then we talked with the ppl that we knew and we were like huh were the best so far#then they talked to like everyone good bc they literally know everyone and they were like congraats youre 99% sure winning#and we were like naaaaah impossible you probably missed someone or smth theres no way#like we were pretty sure we were gonna be making podium by then but we somehow didnt even fully believe it#and then at the awards ceremony they gave the first girl team prize to someone else with less points and we were like aaaaa we made podium#and then they announced the third position we literally screamed bc since we knew ppls points we knew it meant we were first#i almost cried istg#like being 2nd or 3rd or 4th or first girl is like yeah im good but im not the best but like being THE best? being first is scary#it feels fake and confusing but also im so happy and i dont know how to express it aaaaaa its so weird#and the fact that were going to HOUSTON next year? what the actual fuuuck feels impossible#like were going to go there? a prize that is only for the first group? rlly? just like that?? whaaaat#also now hp has our data (we obv gave it to them) and they will likely be happy to accept us to work and/or get internships there so yayyy#but im still not over any of this it rlly feels fake like what the fuck one of the important hp research facilities asked for MY email??#what the fuuuuuuuck#also unrelated but they just had a paper mache how to train your dragon dragon just there in the corner of a football field like whaat#(a dragon that was bigger than us not some cute little figure eeh)#mine#life#codewars
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#ive been looking thru pics from this summer and damn do i have allot unfinished paintings and drawings#and some of them r pretty cool and original too but i just could not see it at the time#i felt the urge to work largely without reference which yielded cool stuff but it was also allot harder to figure out when smth was done#and when i felt that something was missing it made it harder to identify what that may be#anyways im doing smth in gouache for the first time in over a year and im gonna stick to it bc i dont wanna repeat the pattern#plus i dont wanna waste the fancy big format paper its on lol#anyways im quite confident and happy with the result when directly working frm references but artistically i just dont find it satisfying#i might work up the courage to post some unfinished stuff bc why not#also i found some rly cool thumbnails and ideas id forgotten about#music#Bandcamp#omg also i had this awkward ass moment where i was trying to walk past a guy and he like kept on getting closer to me even tho i was at the#edge of the sidewalk and kept on matching my pace even when i was nearly running#and like throwing glances at me until i finally passed him at an intersection#maybe im just overthinking but its like he wanted it to seem like i was with him or smth?#but he didnt try to talk to me#anyways ive had much worse interactions with men#its jst embarrassing to think ppl may have thought i was with that rando fuckboy looking man#and ive been celibate by choice for years now so mayb that contributes to me being esp put off and self conscious at the idea of coming#accross differently
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The most validating thing about having a brother in law is sometimes I’ll make a comment about my parents being kinda horrible and he’ll just be like "DUDE FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT IVE BEEN THINKING THIS THE WHOLE TIME BUT DIDNT KNOW HOW TO ADDRESS IT"
#the klock keeps ticking#like i remember about 2 years ago when it really clicked with me that my parents were worse than i let myself believe#i had like covid and so to be safe i completely isolated myself in my room and only came out when no one was around#or with a mask on just to get food or use the bathroom that was it#and like when i had mostly recovered i stopped isolating and i looked around and noticed huh the house is kinda a hot mess#and i realized it was because i was the one who kept up with like basic cleaning and making sure things were in order#so like a little bit later i was in the car with my sister and brother in law and i was talking about this#and i was like ‘i think ive realized our parents are kinda unable to take care of themselves without me doing it for them’#and my BIL was like IM SO GLAD YOU FINALLY NOTICED THIS HAS BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY FOR YEARS#which was just so validating i was like okay so im not just being an ass like this is an actual problem#and idk a more recent thing that maybe uh. made me a little bit emotional was we were basically at a cool place where you can climb shit#and he was just kinda there helping me when it seemed i was gonna lose balance to make sure i didnt get hurt#as well as my sister too and i was like oh god is this was like. basic affection feels like???#is this what it feels like to have someone care like actually kinda give a fuck about your safety and well being???#so yeah i maybe am still not okay with that and still dont know how to feel anymore 😭#so i guess even though hes stinky and i like to bully him I GUESS hes actually a pretty cool guy and he does make my sister happy and he#treats her with respect and hes very good with their cat so yeah maybe i actually really appreciate him and care more about him#than i do my parents and most people in my family#but i cant say that cuz then itll like. go straight to his head 🥺#and he still wont play pokepark 2 with me even though he PROMISED its been like 4 years since he said that and WE STILL HAVENT PLAYED IT 👺👺👺
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Doing this because it makes me happy •Ꮂ•. Im making it difficult on all of you though.
1 note- I'll go drink water
10 notes - I'll set alarms to actually care for myself
50 notes - set up a daily productivity system so I stop wasting my time doing nothing.
100 notes - ask my friends to help me buy a skirt
500 notes - get a bra & a whole bunch of other affirming clothing !!!
1k - tell my dad that my gf is also trans
2.5k - ask my dad to address me by my prefferred name & pronouns 1k went pretty poorly, so I dont feel super comfortable making an attempt on this.
5k - try to get therapy/psychologist
10k - girl mode at all times (start actively wearing makeup/clothing/doing voice training around people at all times)
50k - try for HRT (0% chance) (also no guarantee on this one)
Asfgg. It feels surprisingly good to have a bunch of strangers who want me to be happy
I have now set up alarms for eating, waking up, and hygene related stuff. I seriously doubt we get to 500, but this has made me significantly happier •Ꮂ•
Doing some math... 25 notes in 4 hours. 6.25 notes per hour. 8000 hours or 333 days until this hits 50k. Hrt in a year ig.
Um. Wow. Its been a day, and we're almost at 300. Everything 500 & below was supposed to be things I'd do with minimal intervention. But now, we're getting to the scarier stuff. I am very intimidated, but also excited
My gf really badly wanted to be here when I buy some of the clothing, so the skirt will be this week, the rest of the clothing will be when she comes back from vacation
Saying that you're force femming me is so not allowed. This is unfair. You have no right to make me feel the ways Im feelingggg. Stop making me happy.
Welp. I told him about my girlfriend. And things went about as poorly as expected. He said that Im parroting what other people think. Slowly taking little parts of them, and applying them to myself. Specifically, being trans. He didnt even leave it to maybes. He said with certainty that I was copying everyone else. I know 9 trans people total. Only 2 of them are my close friends. Everyone else, Im barely aquaintences with. I should have told him that regardless of whatever theories he has, this has boosted my confidence massively. Slightly less excited for 2.5k notes. At least everything after that is very positive. And at least this lets me talk about my girlfriend for ages. I dont have to say her deadname through gritted teeth. Oh context. He already knows Im trans but was ignoring it.
I GOT A SKIRT!!!!!
Thank all of you so much. At first when I got the skirt, I was pretty intimidated by the idea of showing my legs. I thought everyone will just see me as a man. But there's a degree of confidence you all have given me. Yeah. Im pretty. Yeah, Im beautiful even. Yeah. Its a friggin fantastic skirt. And anyone who thinks otherwise is dumb. Im happy, and thats what matters.
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