#but idk if it can ever be enough to actually. do anything with it
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I doubt any of you want to know but I love talking about them so-
Eclipse’s version (I’ll do Chai’s on my art account.)
Any variation of “I’m fine” or “it’s fine”
Basically never. They’re/we’re SHIT at verbal affection.
Also practically never, unless around either their world’s family or the bloodpack.
Childcare.
Yes. They don’t think of anything. They just can. Their human form is small and pathetic looking, they use it for pity. (I do. I’m tiny. I look young. It’s so so so easy to get idiots in trouble.)
Favourite show: ever after high. They will never mention this. Ever.
Fuckshit. Probably. Or just “GET YO ASS OVER HERE.” With their gf…… the SpongeBob theme. Eclipse is still childish at heart.
There’s actually a list.
Nothing= anon
Friend= distant.
Name = talked once or twice.
Nickname= close
Hun/bud/pal/pet names= family or extremely close. Or if they’re concerned.
It depends on the situation. It’s a weird mix. They can be very rough, but they’re usually gentle at the same time.
Random facts about mental states. Usually things that make people feel better. (Ie; fun fact, you’re face is distorted through your eyes, so how you see yourself isn’t what other people see.)
Trust me. You’ll tell. (They’re already behind them.)
People being dumb. Or people trying to insult them. (Please. Try to. It’s hilarious.)
Always. I don’t think they know how to smile naturally at this point.
With their finger. Or hand.
Home: kinda dull, calm. Work: silent, disassociated. Friends: HYPER. ABABABA. MISCHIEF. PRANKS. alone: no facial expression.
Idiots.
Memories. Others, idk.
Luna. Believe it or not, but their version of lunar is almost MORE psychopathic than them…
Panic. Not because of the person, but because they’re trapped. (One, that shouldn’t be possible. two, agoraphobia.)
1:Unknown. 2: the astals. Specifically the higher ups.
Uhh.. eye contact, I guess. They’re fine with it, but they know others aren’t.
Hilariously, normal work hours. And taking breaks.
OHHH BOY LET ME TELL YOU- (reminder: luna is a ghost.)
Bold of you to assume they only took one.
Uhh.. random facts from plants and animals to history to cooking. They’re 600+, they’ve had a LOT OF FREETIME.
Laughter.
A “dont do drugs” pencil. Responded with heavy laughter.
A break. I pled the fifth (death.)
“Your funeral”
Heavily different because of the topic of their work. Personal= eh whatever. Work= oh fuck oh shit
.. seeing luna happy actually causes the most guilt.
MONEY PRINTING. WHO NEEDS A JOB WHEN YOURE GOD?
Silence and a glare
Family/not super close friends/people who look up to them: very calm but visibly happy. Close friends/people close to them/people who don’t necessarily hold them highly: ABBABABABABABAB
…so…many
Tartarus. “Can’t kill him yet. He still has use.” But DAMN DO THEY WANT TO. (Tar is a corrupt ass in their au btw.)
Actually nothing serious. Like… nothing. Besides secrets others have told them.
Hahehakfjkwnf. One that I have. Juggling.
Excluded. They hate having people include them just for pity. Though that’s if they know. (Same philosophy as me. Just being invited is enough. Even if I can’t come or I don’t have to actively participate.)
Depends. If the person looks annoyed it’s “what an ass.” If they look neutral or uncomfortable, it’s quickly “are they okay?” or “am I too imposing?”
Unknown at the moment.
Guilt and tragedy coping. Self explanatory
They’re quick to assume people being uncomfortable or afraid is because of them. They will not mention this.
Any. Since built in language processors, but probably Spanish since is such a direct translation language.
Shoes/socks in the house. What’s the fucking point. Take em off.
Listener. Make them talk? They’re autistic. You. Will. know.
EVERYONE FROM THIER ORIGINAL WORLD. EVERYONE. they either are still on the “glad they’re dead” bandwagon or the “holy shit he(moon) killed a mostly innocent dude.” Wagon.
Girlfriend. Friends. Family. Literally anyone they know. Hey, who coulda guessed, the person grappling with their past is a people pleaser!!
Nope. Politely decline
Hhhhhh….. past morals I guess? The old belief of corporeal punishment? (they don’t now.)
“Hun” when they’re concerned.
Self explanatory (mod is a lawyer…. Eclipse is at heart..)
The blood pack or their gf. (Too much shit has happened for them to NOT believe the pack. They’re safety is top priority)
Freeze to fight in normal situations. Straight to fight in dangerous situations. Freeze to “JEESUS” in safe situations.”
Destroying worlds. It’s their job, sure, but they’d much rather stop what’s CAUSING it.
Gf usually. But she’s back on the “hub world” so probably no one.
Eating. Sleeping. Drinking…. Self care.
ALL OF THEM.
WEIRDLY SPECIFIC BUT HELPFUL CHARACTER BUILDING QUESTIONS
What’s the lie your character says most often?
How loosely or strictly do they use the word ‘friend’?
How often do they show their genuine emotions to others versus just the audience knowing?
What’s a hobby they used to have that they miss?
Can they cry on command? If so, what do they think about to make it happen?
What’s their favorite [insert anything] that they’ve never recommended to anyone before?
What would you (mun) yell in the middle of a crowd to find them? What would their best friend and/or romantic partner yell?
How loose is their use of the phrase ‘I love you’?
Do they give tough love or gentle love most often? Which do they prefer to receive?
What fact do they excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity?
If someone was impersonating them, what would friends / family ask or do to tell the difference?
What’s something that makes them laugh every single time? Be specific!
When do they fake a smile? How often?
How do they put out a candle?
What’s the most obvious difference between their behavior at home, at work, at school, with friends, and when they’re alone?
What kinds of people do they have arguments with in their head?
What do they notice first in the mirror versus what most people first notice looking at them?
Who do they love truly, 100% unconditionally (if anyone)?
What would they do if stuck in a room with the person they’ve been avoiding?
Who do they like as a person but hate their work? Vice versa, whose work do they like but don’t like the person?
What common etiquette do they disagree with? Do they still follow it?
What simple activity that most people do / can do scares your character?
What do they feel guilty for that the other person(s) doesn’t / don’t even remember?
Did they take a cookie from the cookie jar? What kind of cookie was it?
What subject / topic do they know a lot about that’s completely useless to the direct plot?
How would they respond to being fired by a good boss?
What’s the worst gift they ever received? How did they respond?
What do they tell people they want? What do they actually want?
How do they respond when someone doesn’t believe them?
When they make a mistake and feel bad, does the guilt differ when it’s personal versus when it’s professional?
When do they feel the most guilt? How do they respond to it?
If they committed one petty crime / misdemeanor, what would it be? Why?
How do they greet someone they dislike / hate?
How do they greet someone they like / love?
What is the smallest, morally questionable choice they’ve made?
Who do they keep in their life for professional gain? Is it for malicious intent?
What’s a secret they haven’t told serious romantic partners and don’t plan to tell?
What hobby are they good at in private, but bad at in front of others? Why?
Would they rather be invited to an event to feel included or be excluded from an event if they were not genuinely wanted there?
How do they respond to a loose handshake? What goes through their head?
What phrases, pronunciations, or mannerisms did they pick up from someone / somewhere else?
If invited to a TED Talk, what topic would they present on? What would the title of their presentation be?
What do they commonly misinterpret because of their own upbringing / environment / biases? How do they respond when realizing the misunderstanding?
What language would be easiest for them to learn? Why?
What’s something unimportant / frivolous that they hate passionately?
Are they a listener or a talker? If they’re a listener, what makes them talk? If they’re a talker, what makes them listen?
Who have they forgotten about that remembers them very well?
Who would they say ‘yes’ to if invited to do something they abhorred / strongly didn’t want to do?
Would they eat something they find gross to be polite?
What belief / moral / personality trait do they stand by that you (mun) personally don’t agree with?
What’s a phrase they say a lot?
Do they act on their immediate emotions, or do they wait for the facts before acting?
Who would / do they believe without question?
What’s their instinct in a fight / flight / freeze / fawn situation?
What’s something they’re expected to enjoy based on their hobbies / profession that they actually dislike / hate?
If they’re scared, who do they want comfort from? Does this answer change depending on the type of fear?
What’s a simple daily activity / motion that they mess up often?
How many hobbies have they attempted to have over their lifetime? Is there a common theme?
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can i say (as a bi woman) that it genuinely bothers me that like... so many ppl are like 'its not biphobic for a bisexual to have casual sex' when i don't think anyone has ever said THAT is the issue? i don't care what bisexuals do in real life. if they wanna have safe and consensual casual sex, go right ahead, idc! it's not for me but as long as i'm also being respected in my decision, idc what other people do. it just baffles me because buck in season one was talking about how he was a sex addict and how he didn't want to ruin things with abby by rushing into sex too fast because he genuinely liked her and that was like... kind of a huge part of his character? is that he DIDN'T really like the casual sex so much but actually wanted a real relationship? so why is oliver begging to have buck sleep around again when his character like... wanted more than just sex??? i don't mind character regression but it just feels like bad writing to retread that plot again.
also idc what other people say about thinking OS wasn't biphobic in his remarks. the guy dropped the ball hardcore. he could have easily said "i think buck can continue to casually explore his sexuality with other men and women now, he's still bisexual even if he's single" and it wouldn't have felt so... idk. fetishize-y to me. i'm just tired of bisexuality in fiction always being linked to promiscuity. real bisexuals can do whatever they want. but bisexuals in fiction are held to a different standard for a reason. what else should i expect from a ryan murphy show tho considering brittany on glee never called herself bisexual (bi-lingual, bi-corn) and she was portrayed the 'stupid slutty cheerleader' stereotype. i was just hoping for something different ig :(
it just makes me mad because... they didn't have to break up buck and tommy Like That. tommy could have easily had to move away and he and buck could have broken things off mutually as a result. idk sorry for ranting a bit in ur asks im just so miffed over this and over people speaking over bisexuals expressing their thoughts and concerns toward the biphobia that's going on rn :(
Sorry it took me so long to answer you, but please rant away! Honestly I agree with everything you've said. And unfortunately this really does prove that yeah, this is a Ryan Murphy show and it's par for the fucking course. I was gleek and that always bothered me too that Britney would never say it (and most of her characterization in general was just awful)
I wish Oliver had said something different, I wish he hadn't worded it that way. And again, people can have their opinions but it just feels so gross given how the show decided to do this.
They could've had bucktommy break up in any other way for any other reason. They brought up the Abby plot, they could've used that as the hurdle. They could have had them talk about wanting different things in a relationship. Literally anything that wasn't Tommy basically telling Buck it's over because he's not enough of a stereotype. Because bisexuals don't know what they want. Clearly.
It's very infuriating and I'm so sorry that yet another piece of media treated bisexual people like fucking shit.
And it's really fucking infuriating that people who aren't bisexual are defending Oliver over his comment. Again, have your different opinions but don't speak over people that are bi and already have to deal with biphobia in our shitty society
This show went about it all in an awful way, and I'm really sad that we were all tricked into believing they'd handle it better
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batfam and what canadian university i’m assigning them
dick - western
i live for frat boy dick
but like not the creepy frat boys
i think canadian greek life is significantly more chill, definitely a lot of drinking though
like i can already imagine him doing a keg stand
not a permanent frat boy ofc but i can kinda see him going a little wild during uni
like he’s definitely sociable and getting invited to all of the parties
but like the academics aren’t bad too so i think he’d have fun there
the campus is pretty big so you need to take the bus to different areas and it always comes late
you just know dick is ditching the bus and straight up booking it, basically doing parkour
jason - uoft
is it kind of a soulless commuter school where it’s practically impossible to make friends unless you live on res in an incredibly expensive city? yes
HOWEVER it also has the largest academic library system in the country and has so many rare books
i just know the lit nerd in him would like it
i think he would also just enjoy going to a large uni with a lot of course selections, so he can choose courses that actually sound interesting to him
he just loves learning for the sake of learning (remember guys, he’s the robin who actually liked going to school) and i think he would appreciate having so many resources at his fingertips, even if the uni community isn’t that good
has a reputation for being a really difficult school
this nerd would somehow make it work
everybody who goes here already needs therapy so he’d fit right in
also i can’t really see him outside of a city, like bro would see the toronto crime (the stabbings and fires on the ttc alone are enough to keep him busy) and be like i can fix it
literally begging him to fix toronto so i can go downtown without the ttc shutting down half of line 2 for no reason
bro would not appreciate the housing though i guess
like why is he paying $2k a month for an apartment that’s only slightly better than the one he grew up in in crime alley
and he has roommates (hear me out him and the outlaws are roommates OR alternatively the most annoying stereotypical toronto men you’ve ever seen and he tries so hard not to bash his head into the wall because of them)
tim - waterloo
listen, i don’t think tim would want to go
like i don’t think uni would teach him anything be can’t figure out on his own
BUT if he had to go, i think waterloo would probably be good for their coop program
also it’s like THE asian school and i feel like most of the fandom has basically decided he’s asian anyways
erm but idk he also dropped out of high school so if he got his ossd maybe he can go to tmu or york
feel like they have the most prodigies too in terms of comp sci and eng so he’d fit right in (but unlike them he’d actually shower)
damian - mcgill
bro is not old enough to even be thinking about uni tbh
i feel like he’d go to an ivy league though, like one of the historic “real” ones
but if he must stay in canada i feel like it would be mcgill (also bc everybody i know at mcgill wants to go to harvard and that’s probably where he’d rather be)
they’ve definitely got a lot of history, they’re part of the old four, and i think he would appreciate montreal (probably would not consider any of the small towns and would think toronto is too trashy and vancouver is rainy)
would refuse to live on campus (fair enough dorms make me depressed too) and probably get a place in westmount (iykyk)
but he’s definitely going to either university of guelph or université de montréal for their vet school
i feel like he would already know french as a kid so the language barrier isn’t even a problem (wish that were me)
#try to guess my favourite#but it’s extremely obvious by how much i wrote for them#batfamily#batfam#batfam hcs#dick grayson#nightwing#jason todd#red hood#tim drake#red robin#damian wayne#dc robin#dc batman#batman comics
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Imagine if killer ever took the other's "blame" and put it on himself to protect them from nightmare, cuz he knew how he was, how to deal with him, being like a martyr to not let the others get such a "punishment" like he probably will, but never received the same opportunity from the others
Idk just a little dream I had and got interrupted
Yeah, I can already see Killer doing that. And not in the, “secretly cares” “wants to shield them from pain” way exactly—although I can see that in an au where the gang managed to gain access to and gain the care and trust of Stage 1 Killer—which in unlikely to happen in a more canon adjacent bad sanses au.
Still, even if he doesn’t actually care about any of the gang and wouldn’t at all be affected by their deaths or loses, he’d still be rather self sacrificing—from a more logical stand point, if it serves a use. Because that’s what he and the body is: something to be made use of.
He won’t shield them from their own mistakes or their consequences, at most he may offer to dish the punishment out himself instead of letting Nightmare do it. (Mostly if he’s grown attached, but if he hasn’t, either because Nightmare has him do it or he offers because he’s either 1. bored, or 2. thinks he made a particularly bad mistake in teaching the others.)
I can definitely see Killer taking the blame for any of the first mistakes any of the gang makes—because as Nightmare’s right hand, they’re his responsibilities. If they fuck up, it’s because he fucked up on teaching them—and so, if Nightmare allows it, he’ll take the responsibility.
He will never do it a second time for the same mistake, i don’t believe. Because if they don’t learn after the first time, then they deserve what they get—and clearly they need to be taught some other way. Nightmare decides the consequences, and Killer doesn’t care enough to try to prevent it is what he tells himself. (Rather than the reality that he can’t prevent it.)
As a mentioned, vastly different story if he managed to form some type of attachment to one or all the gang—the self sacrifice would go hard. But it’d still be from a logical, matter of fact, but rather dehumanizing perspective of himself.
He can handle the pain, he likes the pain, he knows Nightmare and they don’t, he’s a tool, he was made for this, etc, etc. any justification besides the possibility of having emotions, and having had enough to grown attached. anything besides the possibility of having grown weak.
still i don’t think growing attached would be enough to motivate him to do more than nightmare allows. if nightmare is insistent that they take the punishment and not killer, and that nightmare gives the punishment instead of killer, killer would probably shift gears on ensuring they know what to expect and how to handle the boss. as opposed to say, shrugging his shoulders and walking away without caring about whatever could possibly be happening to them, beside perhaps pulling out some medkit to handle and take care of the aftermath.
now though, regardless of if killer has formed attachments or not, if nightmare allows killer to give the punishment, I don’t think he’d hold back on them at all.
Just enough not to kill and render useless at least. it’s his responsibility that they learn their lesson. he’s making them stronger and smarter, and ensuring they have less of a chance of ending up back here again or disposed of.
#howlsasks#anon tag#cw conditioning#cw abuse#cw torture#bad sans gang#bad sanses#nightmares gang#nightmare’s gang#killer sans#utmv#sans au#sans aus#killer!sans#undertale au#killertale#undertale something new#undertalesomethingnew#something new au#something new sans#horror sans#dust sans#cross sans#nightmare sans#killertale sans#utmv headcanons#killer hesitates & doesn’t enjoy killing papyrus but can still do it with a smile.#the gang would have even less hesitation. zero if there’s no attachment.#killer sans stages#murder sans
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Sometimes I'm like. OK so I'm a decent to good fic writer. But like. Am I a good *writer*? Do I have what it takes to even consider taking writing even semi-seriously (and do I even want to)? But I do want to. I've always wanted to. But I need to know if I'm good enough. But I won't know if I'm good enough until I try and show it to an unbiased audience. Idk idk idk.
#like i think maybe i am...quite good. at some things anyway#but idk if it can ever be enough to actually. do anything with it#much less make any sort of career out of it.#idk i have some (non-fic) short story ideas im excited about so. maybe I'll give them a go in a few months#i think short stories are the way honestly like yeah i *can* write long form stuff but obvs the quality isn't great#and then editing feels overrrrwhelmiiing#but i have some short story collection ideas so. hm. we'll see.
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Thank you, Mr Krabs.
#detroit become human#hank anderson#gavin reed#i just needed some hank practice doodles in before i actually tried to draw the thing i want to draw with him#bonus gavin because i can i guess and i felt bad that i left off the stubble in my other art sorry gavin#idk i dont think im strong enough to recover ever since i was telling someone one of hanks lines and her response#was about mr krabs and im like wait a flipping second..... ur right..... i.... oh#cause i havent heard him in so long it registered as familiar but im not used to the cussing and i straight up only ever watch one movie#so i dont think ive seen him in anything#im judging my own film intake rn you dont have to do that its fine i know its a flaw to only watch clue (1985)
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rewatching night at the museum for the first time in a while and wow. i missed this film.
#JEDTAVIUS#MY BELOVEDS#got into a heated argument w my brother on jedediah's name#cause no he isnt called JEREMY#thats bmc#thx robin williams for teaching me what teddy roosevelt did since my history teacher sure didnt#as much as i love this movie sadly i can ignore the plot holes#how did larry manage to learn enough things about the majority of the stuff at the museum#in a day#teach me your ways#Opinions on the animals?#the t rex is a treasure#fuck dexter tho#i dont wanna see that primate ever again in my life#btw its so funny how teddy talking to ahkmenrah is like#HA! YOU DIDNT GO OUT FOR 54 YEARS SURE AS HELL IM NOT FREEING YOU TONIGHT#meanwhile 2 nights later#idk how y'all watched the film but in the italian dub ahkmenrah has the most OUTRAGEOUS british accent#and while he probably has it even in english in italian it sounds very weird and very funny#a new thing crossed my mind this rewatch tho#wow those are civil war fighters. would have been cool to have the founding fathers too.#soooooo did anyone write a night at the museum au for hamilton#asking for a friend#and if someone is actually reading this.#Idk how much ive written but people dont you have anything better to do than to read my thoughts on this 2006 film#(thank you for reading my thoughts on this 2006 film)#lastquickthought#rebecca fangirling over sakagawea is me at convention w cosplayers#thanks for coming to the impromptu ted talk#ig???
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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thinking about this post i saw the other week where this person was saying how badly they wanted to be able to buy a nice mug without thinking twice about it. and all the comments were saying how they could just buy a cheaper mug. and they were like jesus fucking christ ITS NOT ABOUT THE MUG. because yeah
#i’m so fucking. Exhausted#having to so carefully budget every single dollar#and feeling like a failure if i want to get like. some fancy cookies or something#or a nice blanket#and i am paying back my debt but also taking on more every year#and i personally don’t even feel that bad about it. like as long as i can afford the monthly payments idc#but then i see like three million tiktok/youtube videos shaming people who have less debt than i do#and im like. well ok.#like i am Trying idk what else to say😭#but i don’t want to try this hard like i’m not strong enough#i don’t have the work ethic or desire to scrape every penny into my savings like.#i just want to be able to buy fun things and see my friends#not even like. anything crazy expensive😭#i want to go out to a bar for karaoke without feeling guilty about the drink prices#it’s just. sooooo fucking frustrating and i’m worried it won’t ever end#sorry for the rant i am just spiraling a little bit😭#i’ll probably delete later#like i am Fine and actually doing really well rn#but i am so sick of not being able to afford to eat#and even when i start getting paid i still have to be so so so careful with my money#which i am. historically not good at doing#UGH#sorry😭#will delete#personal
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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Hate having adhd went to go work on my fallout modpack, got distracted while going to disable the steam overlay, ended up in the points shop, went to go edit my profile, decided to change my pfp, found a buried folder I forgot existed, found some old Veneer art I forgot existed, spent 45 minutes looking at all the old photos, STILL HAVE NOT TOGGLED ONE SIMPLE OPTION THAT SHOULD'VE TAKEN 30 SECONDS AT MOST
#I'm shocked I have these drawings scanned on my pc I don't remember doing that I must've done it before I left in case my mom threw all my#Art out again#Anyway at age 12 I was writing a better '3 merpeople go on land to find a 4th one that has been disguised as a human all his life' story#Than Ma/ko Merm/aids EVER did so uh. Take that Jonathan#God it sucks so bad that kid me would've LOVED MM if it just DIDN'T HAVE THE STUPID GENDER WAR BULLSHIT#Literally the entire first and second season is just. So fucking stupid. I wrote a God damn essay about how they fumbled Erik's story SO BAD#I don't even LIKE Erik BUT THEY DID HIM SO DIRTY#THE CHARACTER POTENTIAL AND WRITING COULD'VE BEEN BETTER THAN ZANE B. S1 OF H2O BUT THEY THREW IT AWAY AND FOR WHAT!!!!!!!#Seriously you're telling me a kid who was abandoned his entire life for being male didn't have a bigger impact on the pod than FUCKING ZAK?#That plot twist of 'oh actually Zak was a merman all along' was 100% so they could guilt free write Erik out#Instead of like. Having him face his actions or redeem himself in like. Any way. He just fucks off. THEN the pod is like lol Zac were sorry#We're sorry for literally not doing anything to you because you were privledged enough to have a mother who was super ultra powerful#So you were never really affected by our actions until JUST now. Unlike that other fuckface Erik who suffered his whole life alone#Also then in s3 there are STILL no mermen in the pod. Not even little mermen babies. No kids and teens they've welcomed back n apologized to#NOTHING#God. Mm pisses me off dude#AND I STILL HAVENT TOGGLED THAT FUCKING OPTIONS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#Cruddy rambles#God I'm not done I'm sorry fallout can wait YOU ARE TELLING ME THE GUY WHO TELLS US HOW SHITTY MERMAN BABIES R TREATED BY THE POD. IS NOT#THE SAME ONE THE POD APOLOGIZES TO IN THE SEASON FINALE BECAUSE THEY WROTE IN A SHITTY PLOT TWIST?#AUUUUUUUHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG#It's so bad. It's so fucking bad. It's so needlessly gendered and for what. They could've just had 2 rival warring pods#What pisses me off the most is that s3 (4) completely pivots and never really follows thru with the s1 and 2 story arcs#The writers just kinda wash thsir hands of that because 'hey the pod said sorry to zac' BUT THEN NOTHING ACTUALLY CHANGES!!!!#Maybe instead of having a constantly rotating cast of characters s3 (4) could've instead focused on Ondina and Erik's relationship a bit#Maybe have Ondina tell him she wants to just stay friends because she can't trust him. Have him IDK grow and change as a character?#Maybe so you can show kids nobody is born evil and we all need support systems and healthy relationships to grow and become better people??#THAT would've been a GOOD FOLLOW THROUGH#But no instead u just write him out of the show and never show any OTHER mermen who were exiled being welcomed back#Like u had Ondina becoming a teacher... Why not have Zac become a teacher for all the new mermen who were just recently welcomed back??
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#no but i actually hate that i made this blog to vent freely bc i have no other place to talk abt anything or my feelings or thoughts#and im a very isolated person and a shut in and i dont have a job or go to school successfully and i dont know anyone#like blah blah. i have struggled and im drowning in them all. like why the fuck cant ppl just comprehend that we all have different views o#life and the world? like 'wallowing' is .. i have heavy anxiety which is completely untreated and it gives me real bad suicidal ideation#if me complaining on a blog that im btw not forcing anyone to read helps me to stay alive and get my pain out... why does that matter to#other ppl?????? like why does other ppl get so mad seeing someone they dont know vent??#also this goes for everyone but u can literally have no idea abt all of a person's life#esp on here where all u see is like my text posts where i vent abt how i FEEL. bc i want to. ??? i want to do that so i do#u dont know the context u dont know my experiences or what has happened in my life or context#u dont know what has transpired between me and other ppl i vent abt#like u know fuck all. u dont have the right to pass judgement onto a stranger that doesnt even know u exist#and even if i complain on here bc i dont have a real life but i want to#u have no idea what im doing with the rest of my time???? im making lists im trying to look up info abt school and programs#im trying to read abt my mental health issues and im doing mindfulness and im going to the gym#i am trying!!! and u dont have any idea what i do or how i try and u dont have any right to judge me bc all u see is one part that is me#complaining bc this is what i use this blog for. genuinely i do not get why this is even a big deal or why anyone would follow or read smth#makes them irritated???????#idk.. i dont wanna disable anons and stuff (bc funnily enough no one ever says this stuff with their url 🤨) bc i dont wanna miss out on the#stuff but it is infuriating that i have nowhere to go no friends no therapist etc etc to talk#and this is all i have bc i want to vent !!!!!!! and then i have to be like ok now other ppl i dont even know#and who dont actually give a fuck abt me are gonna judge me and tell me im living incorrectly#and ive never gotten more such things than now? why do y'all hate that i vent abt losing out on my 1st love#and feeling heartbroken?????? what the fuck? that has nothing to do with anyone else but me? like genuinely wtf#i just wanna vent bc i feel like im drowning but now i feel like i cant bc ppl just judge and like ugh
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like if therapy and meds help you that’s so cool but it drives me insane how people treat those as some magical cure all that EVERYONE needs to seek out even though the psych industry is fucked and biased and not affordable and if trying to find a good therapist or find the right meds is doing nothing but causing you even more stress and anxiety even after you’ve been trying to get help for years than maybe it’s not worth it at that point
#do people just like forget that every med has a shit load of potential side affects??#that can make your mental health and even physical health WORSE??#like no one in my family has actually had meds work for them#they just kind of. didn’t do anything for me and my#brother is cursed with getting the Bad side effects of any medication he takes#so like#and when you have mental health conditions that entail#having an incredibly difficult time opening up emotionally or even talking about vulnerable topics#what’s the fucking point#I’d go thousands of dollars into debt before a therapist would ever get me to open up#and that’s IF I was lucky enough to find one that worked for me#also no psych is gonna solve the housing and economy crisis lol#they can’t do anything for me being depressed cause I’m stuck living in a tiny apartment crammed with other people!#even therapists and psychs have straight up told me I don’t seem to benefit from their services#idk just like. if you see that a mentally ill person isn’t on therapy or on meds by choice#consider there’s a reason for that and mind your own fucking business lol
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ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it
#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something#but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized.#and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this-#-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace-#-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller#which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this#and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely#oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it-#-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart#so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it.#fun./sar#i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to#because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get-#-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of#its probably the resilience though#im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically#this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it#just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear#it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over.#i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts#this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement.#its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every-#-time achievement#what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past.#even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again#if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa
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Hmmm I kinda want to make a side blog for RPG Maker game development related things to be able to talk to more experienced people in that community, but at the same time I both don’t really think I’d get much attention and don’t want to accidentally spoil my own game (^^ ; ).
I have a rough story, concept doodles, a tileset, some character sprites, an enemy that walks around but can’t initiate battle yet (if I even decide to have a battle system), a couple rooms with some events, and a functioning run button, but I’m still lost on how to do much else at the moment. Especially since this program has the ability for scripting, meaning I’ll probably have to learn and actually retain another coding language.
So, I’m not very far at all lol. Idk how well that’d go over on the established fandom website, but eh.
#text post#incoherent rambling#project update#game project#I’m still also debating whether or not I can actually even make a proper horror game too#It’s the rule of like just being a horror fan doesn’t make you good at horror being afraid of something does? ya know?#I am trying to go with things that scare me personally but it’s been difficult#either things aren’t concrete of concepts enough or are wayyyy too oddly specific to make anything about#which is quitter talk I know but how does one translate the childhood heebee jeebees of watching top ten gaming videos past bedtime 💀💀💀#or like the way too broad general fear of lack of control without making it too on the nose or too vague#truly a balancing act writing is#kinda ironically I am also a little bit less afraid of hospitals after having been to one for myself rather than family members#which makes things both more and less difficult???#on one hand I have better references for them now but on the other hand I’m desensitized to it 😔#I think I get used to things a little too easily for a lot of things to stay scary#the thing was a scary movie the first time I saw it and now it’s a comfort film#funger was a very scary game until I first died and reloaded a save with little consequence and now it’s just a spooky but fun rpg#but then at the same time thinking about a movie studio logo before a movie that scared me as a kid cause there was a monster in it#still gives weird left over shivers but actually seeing it doesn’t anymore for some reason#I feel like that’s how it’s worked with most things I’ve ever been afraid of in my life besides concepts like death control or idk drowning#ugh writing is HARD#but actually making a functional and fun to play game is harder oh my god do I not know how to make puzzles#I have made swivel chairs that can be knocked and walked over but that’s about it and idk what to do with that knowledge lmaooooo#and I don’t want the entire gameplay loop to be read text search room get key repeat cause that’s boring#I have also desperately tried making a stamina system but there’s not much help with that online especially not in the rpg maker forums#the no necroposting rule sucks all the threads for questions I have never get answered and never will cause no one is allowed to due to age#anyway idk what to tag this probably won’t get seen since it’s not my usual anyway but eh whatever I’ll think about this#hopefully I remember the passwords to two blogs 💀💀💀
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I need to clean my room now. It is dire.
#im so embarrassed it looks like shit over here#i cleaned the kitchen bc my ex was picking up stuff but i KNOW she saw my room#what a fucking shitshow#that box of her things is gone now all ive got left is a handful of rose petals and a second hand coffee maker#and a flannel#all that for a quick 2 monthish relationship#i deeply regret rushing into things but I have poor judgement so.#heres to ruining everything good thats ever happened to me via my own choices 🍻 free will baby#I'm so mad right now even though i shouldn't be#the text thing really got to me idk if things can be ok#like yeah turns out when you hear all your fears verbalized insultingly by another person instead of just in your brain it hits harder??#Just felt like a line was being crossed#anyway#when you spill your guts to another person i guess you gotta expect to have shit flung back at you in the worst possible moment#I suck at keeping my mouth shut that's what happens when you stop journaling#you want to actually confide in others#And don't think I don't know that thats what im doing now#online!!#im unbelievably tired of it all#i wasn't built for this kind of life#ive got no friends. my job doesn’t pay me enough to live. ive got no will to feed myself. etc etc etc#worst of all i have to live with myself#because God knows i can't do anything about it#vile-wizard.txt
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