#but i'm not entirely convinced that a third person would be a Good Experience for anyone involved

[uniquexusposts]

Below Deck | C. Leclerc (1)

Summary: Y/n and Charles had broken up a few weeks ago. Y/n thought it was a good idea to enter the yachting world to get over the break up, but suddenly he shows up at the last charter of the season. How will they cope with it? Words: 3018 Read the story that was based off the one shot here Part 2

"All crew, all crew, the guests are arriving in ten minutes. Please, change into your polos," the captain said on the radio.

"Copied."

The final charter of Y/n's yachting season was about to start. She and her roommate Bobbie were standing in their cabins, changing into their polos. It was silence; they both were tired and glad this was their last charter.

Y/n was the third stew on this yacht, and Bobbie was the second stew. And you know what they say? They either love or hate each other. This time, they liked each other. However, they had a mixed relationship with their boss, the first stew: Helena.

"Last charter, girl," Bobbie said and put on perfume.

"Last charter," Y/n breathed. "Two more nights, three more days."

The entire crew made their way to the deck. They were standing in a line; Bobbie was holding the plate with the glasses of champagne, and Y/n had the plate with refreshing towels. The captain and chief stew were standing on the dock.

"It's the last one," Otis sang and did a silly dance. "The last, last, last." He was a deckhand.

Everyone laughed and danced along with him.

"I really hope the guests are chill, down to earth, not too demanding," Felix said hopefully, the engineer.

"And otherwise, we make the best of it," Bobbie said.

Six people were walking toward the yacht. The crew quickly peeked at their new guests but couldn't stare. Y/n looked at the group that had now arrived at the captain and chief stew. Her face straightened when she saw who the group was.

"Oh, my god, that is Max Verstappen," Felix whispered; the fanboy was getting exposed now.

"Who?" Otis asked.

"Max Verstappen, the Formula 1 2021 world champion," Felix said.

"I don't watch Formula 1," Otis huffed.

Eyes widened. "Is that Carlos Sainz? And Pierre Gasly?" Bobbie noticed them now.

"And Charles Leclerc," Luca said impressively, he was the bosun.

Charles Leclerc.

Y/n could feel her heartbeat rise, and her lips parted. There is no way that this is happening. Everything around her faded away for a moment. Her mind was blank. She barely knew how to stand up straight anymore, or how to breathe. The sun on her skin made her sweat even more. It is the last one, you can do it. Y/n returned to reality, cleared her throat and put her best fake smile on her face.

"Hello, welcome on board," Luca warmly smiled. "My name is Luca, I'm your bosun."

Max was the first one in the group, making clear he was the primary guest. He introduced himself to everyone and shook their hands. Kelly, his girlfriend and co-primary guest, was walking behind him. Followed by Carlos and his girlfriend, Pierre and...and Charles.

When Charles was standing in front of Y/n, their eyes met. She had not looked in those eyes for six weeks. Those blue-coloured eyes with touches of other more beautiful colours... However, the smile on his lips didn't reach his eyes. To her own experience, this moment took forever, but in reality, it was just a few seconds.

"I'm Y/n; nice to meet you," Y/n smiled. Well, she forced a smile. And it did not feel natural or convincing. She had to stay in her role. "Welcome on board. Would you like to have a refreshing towel?" She was the second to last person in the line.

Pain. She is acting like nothing happened. Charles swallowed hard. "Yes, thank you," he managed to say. He grabbed a towel and moved to the next person. He tried to listen to her words; he filtered her name: Bobbie. She offered him a glass of champagne. "Thank you, I'm Charles."

The captain was explaining a few things about the yacht. The guests were looking at Y/n, they knew her. And Y/n knew them personally. Y/n looked away from everyone, she could feel the judgy looks. Nobody knew she was here, doing this job. She went off the radar six weeks ago. They all looked back at the captain and first stew when they announced the yacht tour would begin.

Everyone but the captain and first stew walked off the boat to get the guest's luggage.

"I really cannot believe we have F1 drivers as guests," Felix cried. "I cannot believe that they shook my hand."

"Dude, chill," Otis smirked.

"I think they will be chill," Bobbie said. "They look chill and give off a relaxing vibe."

Felix grabbed a suitcase and a backpack. "Do you watch F1, Y/n?" He gave the two pieces to her.

The crew developed a thing during the season: adding Y/n's name at the end of every sentence meant for her.

"No, I don't, and I won't," she coldly replied and walked back on the boat with the luggage.

Oh, my, I can't wait for the moment they walk off this boat. She dragged the luggage down to the guest bedrooms. Everyone was so hyped to serve the drivers, but Y/n only wanted to cry.

"What is the room division?" Y/n asked Luca.

"Master is Max and Kelly, left is Carlos and Rebecca, and right is Pierre and Charles." Luca stepped toward her to check the labels. "You have Charles his luggage. You have to go to the right, Y/n."

You've got to be kidding me. "Perfect," she replied and opened the right cabin door. On the preference sheets, they requested to unpack their luggage, but Y/n knew Charles hated it when people touched his stuff. She bit her lip and placed his backpack on the chair. For a moment, she looked at it. It was just a black backpack, it was simple, and somehow she adored it a lot. "Fuck," Y/n whispered and took a deep breath. She stepped away from his suitcase and lifted it to be placed on the luggage chair. The only thing she did was open his suitcase.

"Oh, o, I'm sorry."

Y/n turned around, and she gasped for air. "My goodness, Pierre. You scared me," she whispered.

"Sorry," he whispered back. "I had no idea that you worked on a yacht now." The Frenchman entered the room. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," she softly said. Pierre stepped towards her and gave her a hug; he was not only a good friend of Charles, but also a good friend of Y/n. "How are you?"

"Good, I'm good, now I know where my friend hangs out."

She weakly smiled.

"Is everything good in here?" Helena entered the cabin with Pierre's luggage. The fake smile appeared on her face, but she looked judgemental at her stew.

Pierre smiled. "Yes, absolutely. I was asking Bobbie to help me with unpacking my suitcase." He pointed at Y/n.

Helena slowly nodded. "Perfect. Y/n, can you help me at the bar if you're done unpacking the suitcase?" She put the accent on 'Y/n'.

It made Pierre chuckle.

"Yes, absolutely." Then Y/n realised she answered the exact same as Pierre. Helena walked away. "Bobbie? Seriously, Pierre?" She wanted to grab his suitcase, but he was first.

"Neh, neh, neh, you're not doing this. I can do it myself," he said and closed the door behind him. "You sit, I talk, you listen," he said and opened his suitcase. "And I had to say a your name wrong, I don't know you."

"Oh, god." Y/n sat down on the free chair. She looked at Pierre. An empty feeling entered her body. "I don't know if I can do it, Pierre," she hopelessly said.

"Then don't pay attention to him."

"How?" She shot back. "Did you know how hard it was to not burst into tears when I saw it were you all who came? Pierre, I'm not ready to face him yet."

"And what do you want to do now? You can't walk away, we're already sailing away."

Y/n groaned, annoyed.

"But Y/n, why did you go off the radar? I was worried."

"Yachting," Y/n simply replied. "Working my arse off." She got up; it didn't feel right to be in a room and doing nothing. "I barely have time to keep up with everything. On my breaks, I do a power nap. On days off, I'm just enjoying my free time-" She got cut off by a radio message for her. She replied straight away. "I gotta go, we will speak later."

"Yes, of course. I'm happy to see that you're doing fine, Y/n," Pierre mentioned. "This is something I do not have to worry about anymore."

Her fingers were wrapped around the doorknob, she only smiled weakly. She opened the door. "And, Pierre?"

"Yes?"

"Please don't be like shit, we can't handle more shit guests anymore," Y/n whispered and squinted her eyes.

Pierre grinned. "It really depends on how we get treated."

"Get out of here." She rolled her eyes and closed the door behind her. It did her good to see Pierre again, but it was not how she would have liked. Someone wanted to walk down the stairs when she wanted to walk up the stairs. "You go first," she politely smiled.

Charles walked down the stairs, slowly. His eyes were glued on Y/n. The salmon orange-coloured shirt highlighted her tanned skin tone. However, it seemed like she had lost some weight. His lips parted. "Sorry, I didn't know you worked here, Y/n," he whispered.

Her eyes closed for a second or two; the way how he says it will never tire me. "I...is...is everything to your liking?" If Y/n left her role to him, things would escalate.

"Yes." Charles had to switch between being informal to formal. It hurt him, but if this was what she wanted... "It's perfect."

"Perfect. If there is anything that we can do for you, please don't hesitate to say it."

"I will, thank you."

And away she went. Y/n ran up the stairs and faced Helena at the bar. "I will be back in a sec; I have to change into my work clothes," she smiled and walked to the crew mess.

The smile dropped from her face, and she stormed to her own cabin. She closed the door behind her and balled her hands into fists. "Fucking hell," she breathed and felt the tears flowing in her eyes.

--

Y/n yawned when she walked up the stairs. It was seven o'clock in the morning, and her day shift had just started. It was the second day of the last charter. She was about to check the bar, but she noticed two people outside in the lounge. I hate morning people. This is not a pleasant way to start the day.

She walked to the lounge. "Hello," Y/n smiled.

"Hello, darling," Rebecca warmly smiled.

"Good morning," Carlos smiled.

"God, you're early," Y/n softly said, breaking the character for a second, regretting it already.

Carlos smirked. "You know us."

"Yeah, that is true. Is there anything I can get you?"

"I'm fine; I'm just enjoying the sunrise," Rebecca said.

Carlos nodded. "I'm fine too."

"Perfect. If there is anything that you want, just give me a shout. Will the breakfast still be at ten?" Y/n felt uncomfortable; she was serving her friends. And it usually would not matter, but this is the top-of-the-top service she had to give.

He nodded again. When Y/n stepped away, he inhaled. "Y/n, how are you doing?"

"I'm alright, busy with work. How about you?"

"Happy to have a weekend off," Carlos answered her question.

"I had no idea you worked on a yacht now," Rebecca admitted. "Do you like it?"

Y/n looked around. Yes, her job was to entertain the guests and be polite. But to a certain point. Being personal was crossing the line. But it were her friends. However, how much would it affect her tip at the end? That was why she entered the yachting world. "Yeah, I had no idea that I would end up here," Y/n also admitted. "But you know, it's something else, and I think it's fine for now." And it is quick and much money.

"How many more days do you have left?"

"This is the last charter."

It was silence.

"Gosh, I miss you, girl. It's so hard to not act like friends," Rebecca breathed and pressed her lips into a thin line. "Because I can see how you distance yourself from us."

There goes the tip for the crew.

"I'm sorry. It's just... I don't want them to know that I know you. So I'm sorry if I act like a cold bitch, but I... They can't know," Y/n stammered and swallowed hard. "Because I want to laugh with you, talk to you like we used to, but if I do, I will get in trouble for being too personal and crossing so many lines."

Rebecca got up from the lounge. "I know, I know," she said and hugged Y/n.

"I miss you so much," Y/n whispered, hurt. "Seeing you again, makes me so happy."

"When you're finished here, we need to go out, okay?" She looked at her friend when letting go of her.

"Yes."

Felix was walking around the boat, checking if everything was looking decent. "Good morning," he said. One of the guests was sitting on the lounge, and the other was standing next to Y/n. "Is everything okay here?"

"Yes, thank you," Carlos smiled.

Y/n forced a smile on her face. "I'm talking Rebecca and Carlos through the planned schedule for today," she said to her colleague. "Everything is still going as planned." Felix nodded, satisfied and walked away. "At the picnic... I heard that more people were joining you?"

"Lando, George, Alex and Daniel are joining with their girlfriends," Rebecca mentioned. "Are you coming too, or will that not be on your service? Or do we have to ask if you will join us? You're one of us, you have to be there. This was your idea." Y/n joked about booking a yacht with a beach picnic a couple of months ago, only because she watched Below Deck.

And they actually booked it. The realisation hit Y/n. This was her idea, and she couldn't even join them. Well, on the other side. "I was one of you," Y/n replied. "And I can't join you. I am working. I won't be able to lunch with you."

"You will, we will make something up. And yes, Charles will be there. But you don't have to hug or kiss him. We will make sure you will be sitting on the complete opposite of him, yes?"

--

"I am so glad that this is the last picnic," Bobbie breathed and placed some plates on the table. "I fucking hate picnics, especially on the beach. It looks so nice when you can just sit on your butt and eat. But it is a pain in the arse when you have to make it look so nice. I mean, the sun is breaking me apart, there's sand everywhere, nothing is stable," she complained.

Y/n smiled, but bit her lip to hide it. She placed the cutlery next to the plates and only listened.

"I'm sorry for my complaining hour, but now we can talk without other people hearing it," Bobbie mumbled.

"No, no, please, share everything you want. I'll just listen," Y/n replied and softly chuckled. "Because I can only agree with you."

"And you know what I heard? Helena was talking to Otis in the crew mess - she didn't know that I was in the laundry room - and she literally said: 'Since the moment the guests have arrived, I have not heard Y/n's name once. Not once. Do they even know that we have a third stew? I am working my arse off, and she gets to do nothing.'," Bobbie dramatically said, and she looked sorry at Y/n.

Y/n stopped placing the cutlery on the table. "What? Is she serious?"

"That is what I heard..."

This could either be the truth or a lie to create drama. "I work my arse off, she is the one who does nothing. She only makes out with Otis and lets us do the work. She can kiss my arse. Whatever. Just one more day and it is over," Y/n defended herself. "I'm starting to move to the dislike side. I liked Helena at first, but she's doing weird things and blaming us for it."

"I stopped liking her after the first charter when she screwed me over by saying that the master was not cleaned yet. That was her job, it was even on the board. And suddenly, it was my job without saying shit to me," Bobbie ranted. "She can suck my dick."

The radio went off. "Bobbie and Y/n, the guests are on their way."

Bobbie grabbed her transceiver. "Perfect, thank you," she friendly said.

Y/n burst into laughter and continued putting the cutlery on the table. "You're such a snake."

"Learnt from the best," Bobbie proudly said.

"Sassy."

Fifteen minutes later, the table was all set, and the guests arrived. Bobbie quickly took a photo of the table while Y/n walked over to the tender to help the guests out of the tender.

"Thank you, Y/n," Max smiled.

She gave him a nod and helped Kelly, who was also getting help from Kelly. She was followed by Rebecca, Carlos and Pierre. Y/n looked at Charles and stuck out her hand. She could see the doubt in his eyes, but he grabbed her hand anyway. She gasped for air and saw every memory she had of him, playing in front of her eyes. And it looked like Charles had it too.

Charles looked away and jumped out of the tender into the water. "Thank you, Y/n/n," he softly said and let go of her hand.

"Anytime," she lipped and swallowed hard.

It had been just over 24 hours, and she barely had seen Charles. He was avoiding every contact moment between himself and his ex-girlfriend. Y/n noticed it, it hurt, but it was for the best. She looked down and closed her eyes; she just wanted to walk further into the sea and drown.

"The other tender is arriving, Y/n," Luca said.

Y/n opened her eyes and looked up at the bosun. "Thank you, Luca. I will let you know when they want to go back," she said and padded the tender a couple of times.

"Copied."

She waved at him when he sailed away. Her eyes fell on the other tender, and she put on another smile. Y/n stepped to it. "Welcome, everyone."

"Y/n!" Carmen excitedly said, but straightened her face right away. "Oh, my god, sorry. I don't know you," she apologised. Rebecca had asked the others to pretend not to know Y/n, only to protect her from her colleagues.

"It's okay, darling," Y/n said and smiled comfortably. Once again, she helped everyone get off the tender, and she made an agreement with their bosun. "I will call you," she mentioned. He nodded and sailed away as well.

The beach picnic started.

It was fake. Her smile was fake. Her laugh was fake. It seemed like her happiness was fake as well. Charles couldn't keep his eyes off Y/n. It was so incredibly hard to be around her. How she was pretending nothing had happened. But she probably had to do that because of her work, but still. It hurt him to see her smile at him. It hurt him how she would serve him drinks without any problem while he was freaking out on the inside.

"Is everything to your liking?" Bobbie asked and looked around.

Multiple nods and yeses were shared.

"Amazing..."

Y/n walked away from the table and let Bobbie do her thing with talking. She grabbed a bottle of water and took a sip. Her eyes were resting on the table. I should have been there as well...

...because I am still in love with my ex-boyfriend. I tried to forget him during my six weeks of yachting, but I can't stop thinking about him. I can't get over him because I am still connected to him. We were together for four years, and he was my first real love.

And we broke up because we thought it didn't work anymore.

We thought...

Stupid thought.

Seeing them all together feels like a reminder that everyone has moved on. That he had moved on. I feel ashamed of myself for feeling this way. I need to move on too. But I can't move on because Charles still occupies so much space in my head. It is really starting to annoy me and affect my life. I can't see a way to move on because every time I try to move on, he is still in my head, telling me that I'll not be happy with someone else. This terrifies me because I know it is true.

He was my first love, and he is my only love.

What am I meant to do now? I'm 24 years old, and my life feels so unfinished already. It's so difficult when everyone is moving on, and I am just stuck in the same place.

"Hello, Y/n?" Bobbie was waving in front of Y/n's eyes. "Are you here with me?"

A shock went through Y/n's body, and she looked at Bobbie. "What? Yes, why?"

"You're crying?" Bobbie squeezed her eyebrows together and looked worried. "Are you okay?"

Y/n felt her cheeks; they were wet. Her heart dropped. She dried her cheeks quickly and forced a smile on her face. "Sand in my eyes, no worries," she smiled.

"If you say so..."

"I say so." Y/n cleared her throat and looked at the table again. Her eyes got stuck on one person. Their eyes were locked. All the air got sucked out of her lungs.

Charles saw it. All of it.

Part 2

Taglist: @itsjustkhaos@crashingwavesofeuphoria@maryvibess

[snakeredbirdbatkatana]

(Opinions Guys Idk)

Bruce Wayne has been a father for over ten years.

He's delt with any issue children vomiting on his shoes runny noses tears he's got you.

He's also buried his children been covered in their blood helped calm down panic attacks. He might not be the best but he's always tried.

There is however one tiny thing that he can say he's never prepared for no amount of contingencies ever can make him ready.

Any form of high society interaction with Tim.

Watching his third son with a smirk that's deadly convincing the richest to give practically all they have to him.

Manipulating board members, blackmailing politicians.

He looks so much like his mother.

Bruce sees his other children they look uncomfortable he once watched Stephanie yell at Tim that she doesn't understand him that he's horrible for doing it.

Jason calling him a rich prick which he was grounded for not that it has ever stopped his second son.

Another gala happened tonight the entire family was present and now watching once again all of his children even sweet Dickie lecturing Tim.

"Seriously Timmy it's just a little much don't you think"

"Boy Wonder that was disgusting who taught you to act like that"

"Timbers I'm all for fucking with people but what the fuck"

He sees the heartbreak painting Red Robin's face he can feel his own reflect it.

His tiny little sweetheart who learned at his mothers knee, his baby boy who works so hard for the company. Who's done tremendous things the only one of them to actually get the respect of the people of Gotham he can't watch it.

"That's enough," Growls out of him.

All of his children freeze looking at him Damian who has remained quiet looking at his brother with nothing but respect turns hurt masked.

"Your brother did amazing tonight, in a way this was an oversight on my part none of you were specifically trained how to act around the Gotham elite. Tim was raised by Janet Drake who was known as the dragon of Gotham".

They start to shift confusion practically pouring out of them.

He looks straight at Tim as he walks forward placing his hand on his shoulder.

" I might not alway agree with how your mother raised you I wish she did a lot differently sweetheart."

A sharp smile begins to paint both Tim's and Damian's faces.

They understand that he is speaking to both of them the only two to really understand.

"But she raised you to know that power that you hold to be able to rule which isn't something I could your siblings are wrong." He turns to glare especially at Stephanie and Jason.

"I'm not saying what you did is right morally it can be questionable however you both know what to do in situations like that experience that none of your siblings could ever have."

He breathes knowing he might anger his children throwing in their faces that they weren't born with silver spoons they have to fight and claw to be where they are.

"This is both Damian and Tim's territory neither are going into crime alley or the narrows and telling you what to do. You don't get to complain about how they were raised or how they handle situations you have no prior knowledge of." He sees that at least Dick is understanding a light entering his eyes

----------------

So this is the beggining of a story kinda talking about the difference between how Damian and Tim were raised compared to everyone else.

This was something me and a mutual have been working on but we are disagreeing about it.

They think it's fine I don't know.

Could I get opinions because I personally think it is fascinating how Tim is raised versus others not in a negative or positive.

However I think the way we have done some of it mind you this is almost a twenty chapter fanfiction. Might be slightly not good.

I wanted to explain how Tim and Damian would have an advantage their mother raised badass sons who know how powerful they can be.

They were raised rich and with the world at their fingertips but I think we made it sounds very bashy I need thoughts please let me know.

This is only not even a chapter but I wanted to give something of reference.

I think the privilege is slightly too heavy handed and it makes it sounds like the Rich are better idk. 

[elamarth-calmagol]

Okay so I'm obsessed with Middle Earth medicine (because the elves have 10,000 years of experience and the Numenorians would be pretty good, too, but they don't have any of our modern tools, so what do they do and what are their limits, etc.) but for some reason it never occurred to me until today: Middle Earth dentistry??

Now, I know I read something once from a Tolkien scholar about how he gave Gnomish (early elvish language) words for unexpected things like "dentist", but I subscribe to the theory that elves don't have cavities and their teeth fall out and are replaced when they wear down, so I'm not that interested in elves here. I think Minas Tirith would be the best place to find a dentist in the Third Age. Someone who cleans teeth and handles cavities, I mean, not just pulling bad teeth, which anyone can do. It's a city where there are enough people with dental needs and money, and they have Numenorian knowledge.

@outofangband I'm pretty sure the bad guys don't bother taking care of teeth (though I'm convinced that Mordor has the best medical knowledge in the entire world in the Third Age because Sauron wouldn't care about ethics and has abundant slaves to experiment on, and was there a debate about the morality of using it after Sauron fell like there was regarding the Nazi experiments after the Holocaust?). But anyway, you're the only person I can think of who might have opinions on this.

[raspberry-pudding]

3/8/24

It's another one of those days where I tell myself I'm not going to smoke, but I have no idea how well I'll succeed. I made a short post last night, just vague posting and getting a few thoughts off my chest. But nothing deep.

I feel stupid for posting about my addiction, but at the same time it's the only way I know how to possibly find people like me. Who can become very addicted to weed. I don't have any friends to go to about it because they all smoke and are fine -- or at least, they convince me they aren't addicted and that it's impossible on weed. But what else would you call something that you crave so intensely you're scrapping the bottom of a bag or grinder to get one hit? What else would you call something that you can't control yourself from taking as soon as you wake up? What else would you call something that's meant to make you feel good, but after doing it every day, all day, for several years you get stuck in a cycle of giving in, swearing to go sober/quitting, and then turn around and continue doing it? Every. Single. Day. For the past two years I have sworn to finally quit smoking weed but I just can't get away from it. My body feels like it needs it and I'm miserable.

It doesn't even get me high anymore.

More below the cut for those interested, and so I'm not clogging timelines with a long post. My content isn't for everyone. Please scroll by if you think weed isn't addictive and if you argue with me you'll just get blocked. That's not what I need when I'm just trying to recover.

I miss the person I was before I started smoking. I was so productive and successful; I wrote and exercised everyday. My emotions were better regulated. I felt like I could do anything.

I started smoking a lot later than most people -- 24. And as much as I would like to blame my ex for the addiction, I'm more to blame for my own addiction than anyone else. It started when I was writing an essay on Emily Dickinson and the soul, and weed helped me a lot with writing this piece. At least, for awhile. Soon after, I was getting high every evening to work on the essay, but I'd get distracted and ignore my work. It just sort of spiraled after that.

There are a lot of good reasons why I want to quit. First of all, I want to be a better woman. I want to be the strong woman I used to me -- not this weepy bag who can't even stand the thought of driving myself anymore. Where did all my strength go? Where did all my independence and will go? I wanna be a better woman not only for myself, but for my fiancé. He's very supportive of me, and says that we all have our vices -- doesn't care if I continue smoking or if I quit and will support me no matter which I do. But I need to stop smoking for him, too. He deserves sober-me. He's not only the best man, but the best person I have ever met in my entire life. He deserves the sober-me much more than my ex deserved it, but he's hardly gotten to experience it. He deserves a woman who can do anything and be level-headed. Not the emotional wreck I am on weed.

I'm also already a naturally paranoid person. I don't know how to explain it other than ever since I was a kid I've been prone to extreme paranoia. I've always seen terrifying images in my head and I get concerned that they'll actually happen before my eyes, no matter how off the wall it is. Let me clarify, I never hallucinate (not even on shrooms or acid have I hallucinated), I just have an overactive imagination. Weed, obviously, intensifies this feeling. Sometimes the paranoia is crippling; I'm frozen in fear whether it's in bed or at my desk or in the living room. It can become overwhelming.

Third, I want to go back to school. It's nearing the 3 year mark since I've gotten my Master's degree and I haven't gotten any jobs with it. Granted, it's difficult to do something with my degree in my area and I'm a bitch about having to move. But I'm in a dead-end part time job now that's pushed me into wanting something more. Specifically, wanting what my original plan in life was -- get a PhD and become a professor. Focus my career on academia. It's what I'm good at, and it's what I enjoy doing. I've missed the college space so much. I've missed the research that goes into essays and the excitement I used to get while writing. If I go back for my PhD, I can't continue to be on this fucking drug. I can't do the work I need to while being constantly stoned. How do I know? Because I could barely balance the work-weed balance as I was finishing up my MA. Weed stifled my academic work so much to the point that I almost didn't graduate; if I go for a PhD I have to be sober. There's literally no other option. I have to take it seriously. I cannot do the work I need to while getting stoned every day.

I feel miserable and cranky every day, and the good mood I get from smoking only lasts for so long and then I become grumpy again. Yesterday my grumpy attitude ruined a nice evening out with my fiancé -- he says it didn't, but I feel horrible about the ordeal.

I'm ready to quit. I've been ready to quit for about a year now with no success. I think the furthest I've gotten in the past year is 2 days without weed. Since I started smoking, the further I've gone without is a whole month -- I really don't know (or remember) how I did it. I don't know how to start, or how to keep cravings away. I'm just so frustrated, I want my ambition back. I want my drive and energy back. I want to be even better than I was before. But I can't with this drug holding me down and making me completely numb and lazy.

Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. I really don't know what to do when the cravings start to hit within another hour or so. I guess the good thing is that I'm all out of weed right now, and while I could go get more it would involve going to the bank to get out cash. Hoping that prevents me from giving in today.

Maybe I'll just write on here when the cravings hit. Just write about how I'm feeling until it goes away. I really don't know. I'm just going insane with this kind of lifestyle and I can't do this anymore. I have to become sober again. The good thing is, leading up to this point, I have decreased how much I've smoked. I went from 3 joints a day to 1 joint a day recently. Quitting cold turkey scares me, but I guess I'm about to attempt it, because I really don't wanna drop $100 on something I wanna quit doing.

Again, let me know anything that's helped any of you quit if you're out there and reading. I would greatly appreciate the advice.

Iris🪻

[thecloudstan]

Thoughts regarding the changes of certain elements of the OG in "Rebirth" (e.g. Cid's personality being changed or Dyne's death)?

This is such a great question!! I'll answer for both of these because I do have thoughts, and the game is so big that I'm already forgetting some things that you guys remind me about. I'll start with Cid.

I'm not entirely convinced that Cid's personality is changed, so much as the...timeframe of his life is being shifted? I'll try to explain.

In the original, you meet Cid and he's already this grizzled asshole who is doing THE MOST, and his hatred of Shinra is so acute that he eventually starts to rival Barret for who hates that company the most. I love Cid, but I guess if anyone from the playable party had the weakest motivation, it would be him. "They stole my dream" is motivation, don't get me wrong, but doesn't it sort of pale in comparison to "they murdered our parents and burned our village; they murdered me and brainwashed the love of my life; they did EXPERIMENTS ON ME." Sorry Cid, but your trauma is a bit...hmnnggh bebi by comparison...

In Rebirth, Shinra hasn't 100% fallen from his good graces yet, at least with regard to him being ambivalent about their misdeeds because he needs to turn a profit. I think the changes to when you meet Cid, how you meet Cid, and how he behaves about Shinra boil down to two things;

1.) Game functionality. It made the most sense to introduce him sooner to give access to the world in an exploratory sense, and the only way to do this in a remotely timely manner would be to introduce him sooner. But then you kinda fuck up the placement and point of Rocket Town, so he needs some other "hook."

2.) I believe they're saving his "fall" for the third part, much like Vincent's background will be saved for the third part. We still need some dramatic flair and some reminders why everyone should hate the fascist overlord, and by then we already know very well why Barret, Tifa, Cloud, Aerith, Red, Yuffie, and even Reeve harbor those feelings.

Long story short, I think he's been set up for his own character development. It was also kinda nice to have the Tiny Bronco around before Cid's wings are totally clipped, so to speak. It was interesting to see that spark of pre-FUCK THIS SHIT Cid. One thing I do find VERY intriguing is the connection to Ifalna!!!!!! I can't wait to see how that pans out...how well did he know her? Did he have FEELINGS for her?! Is he the reason she was able to escape, even though she didn't make it far? Is Aerith walking free because of Cid Highwind?! That would be kind of gaggy, to be quite honest.

So, sure, they did adjust his personality a bit. Like I doubt he's going to verbally abuse Shera and drop F-bombs, but that's fine. They changed a lot of things from the original that just would not play well to an audience nowadays, and I get it.

Dyne stuff under the cut!!!

My husband and I fully disagree on Dyne. I'm not too assed about him not leaping to his death (I mean, he already fell into a gorge which was probably kinda traumatic???? So having him NOT choose to off himself that way could make a bit of sense). What I am most intrigued about is how he goes full fucking Tetsuo from Akira half way through the fight??

In the original game, Dyne is just a man. He's strong, but he's just a broken man. He isn't experimented on by Shinra, we have no canon understanding of him being Mako poisoned or something, he should not be capable of what Rebirth Dyne was doing during that fight with Barret. My husband has chosen to write it off as the dev team just beefing up the battle to make it more modern/difficult/fun.

I don't share this thought process. Hojo is already understanding things (in my opinion) that go above and beyond the original plot. There are already mutations in Rebirth that didn't exist in the original, and I don't know if I'm reading too much into that, but it seems to me that it's kind of an emerging theme...

SOMETHING. Happened to Dyne. Whether he...fell into the gorge and then was Mako poisoned from being too close to the blown up reactor for years...or something else...I don't know for sure. But I wouldn't be surprised if Rebirth is NOT the last we hear about what happened to Dyne. They're REALLY going in on the human experimentation thing...it's going to get quite ugly with Cloud's background (and Aerith's, I'm assuming, if Cid ever spills those beans), and just Red XIII's Trial in the Temple of the Ancients ALONE was bone-chilling. I don't have precise answers or predictions or anything, but I do think it was changed with an intention deeper than "let's make this battle harder/more cinematic."

[kitkatpadywaks]

In Another Universe

Mini-Series: Part 2/?

Welcome To Hell.

Pairing: Morpheus x Fem!Reader

Story: Dancing With The Devil (Alternate path from the end of part 2 of the story onwards)

Warnings: Third Person. Will Mostly Be Referred To As She (Called Y/N When Her Nickname IS Being Used and Will Occasionally Be Called By Her 'Angel' Name). She Has Kids. Major Daddy Issues. She's Treading on Eggshells. Her Brother Tried to Kill Her. But It's All Good Now.

Word Count: 1.8k

A/N: Major Spoilers for the Story (Klaus Mikaelson fic), like this existing spoils the mystery of who my character is as well as her character arc.

This will also be posted to my Wattpad.

Previous | Masterlist | Next

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The siblings spend the next few days laying low, after what had happened in the house they now know is called Fawney Rig, as the locals of Wych Cross so politely informed them. Those few days spent with Raphael trying to convince her it's impossible that the man in the basement is her soulmate, that her actual soulmate is dead.

Both of the Archangels thought it best to keep their heads down, as the last thing they wanted was attention, especially from their father. So they waited, waited for this universe's version of the Fates to contact them like every version always had.

It takes nearly an entire month for that to happen, long enough for the siblings to integrate themselves fully into this universe's modern-day England. Where the eldest of the siblings had befriended a young woman by the name of Johanna Constantine, who was rather skilled in the occult, which was useful in understanding how this particular world worked.

She looks out of the window of the living room of the small two-bedroom apartment, she and her brother share, waiting for Raphael to come back from drinking with some history professor he met the other day, who he called his friend but she thought his eyes lit up a little too bright for their relationship to be just friends.

The Angel eyes the three women who appeared and introduced themselves as the Kindly Ones, briefly wondering if her little brother found himself in the same situation she has. If they had both found their soulmates in an entirely different universe and if these, Kindly Ones had anything to do with it, if they even had that power. The Maiden smiles prettily at her. Something she might have found attractive and done something about once upon a time if she wasn't thinking so much about the man she released from the glass prison.

Keys jingle in the kitchen and the apartment's door swings open. "Sister, I'm home." The slurred voice of Raphael echoes in the nearly bare apartment. She doesn't answer, letting him enjoy his buzz a little while longer as she turns to stare at the Fates. She watches in her peripheral as her brother enters the living room, the setting sun illuminating his face as he sobers up at the sight of the three women, knowing the last month of fun had come to an end.

"Ladies." He nods politely.

"Okay, so Raph's here. What did you want to tell us?" Raphael throws her a glare, knowing from experience that her clipped tone tends to incite anger.

"Oh, such an impatient little Angel." The Crone says mockingly.

"You would be too if you had to deal with the shit I have." She rebuffs, secretly glad that they didn't take offence to her tone, as she had no idea how much power compared to the Fates she know, who, despite taking great interest in the fate of their universe, couldn't do much in the grand scheme of things.

The Maiden giggles, "The Dream Lord will have fun with you."

She raises an eyebrow in response, throwing Raphael a look to take lead and get what they need, before zoning out to get a better grip on her emotions. Which have been spiralling since she entered this universe, not helped by her lack of sleep. Even though she didn't technically need any, sleep tended to be a good way of resetting herself, but unfortunately, like many other things, her father had taken that luxury away from her. The curse he plagued her with over two thousand years ago was always threatening to drag her back to her own personal hell, ironically. Getting her father to break her curse, which even the combination of Heaven and the few million angels that live there couldn't fully do, was one of the main reasons she was on this mission. The other was making sure he wouldn't come back and kill her daughters, but that was a whole other thing.

"We appreciate your help, Kindly Ones." Raphael inclines his head in respect. She does the same, ignoring the Crone's knowing look. The Kindly Ones realised she wasn't listening to anything that was being said the moment Raphael started talking.

Raphael waits for the Kindly Ones to leave, to disappear into thin air before hitting his sister's arm. "You're lucky they seemed to be in a good mood." He huffs, flopping down onto the large sofa they somehow managed to squeeze into the apartment.

"Sorry." She shrugs, genuine despite her nonchalance, "So what are we doing then?"

She watches Raphael heave a sigh, "I have to visit Heaven to talk to..." he hesitates, trying to find a way not to say their father's name "this universe's version of our father, myself and our siblings." He lists off while staring at the ceiling.

"Let me guess, I have to go to Hell." She smiles ruefully as Raphael turns his head to look at her, nodding.

"Then we have to talk to one of the Endless."

"The Endless?"

Raphael shrugs, "Your guess is as good as mine."

"Does this 'Endless' have a name?"

"Umm, Dream? I think they said." He shrugs again.

She didn't miss the cold. The kind of cold that soaked into your bones and paralysed you. She didn't miss the moans of pain or the screams of the damned. She didn't miss any aspect of Hell. This version anyway, her version had undergone some serious changes in the last twenty years, starting when she was taken out of her curse to what it was when she left it in the capable hand of Lilith, the person or, Demon best suited to the new job, better than she ever was.

She breathes in the scent of sulphur as she walks behind the Demon escorting her to the palace, the building in question looming over her as they walk up to the gates. The Demon, whose name she didn't pay attention to, grins a cruel smile at her as the doors open and blood spills out. She raises an eyebrow, unimpressed. Making the Demon growl in disappointment as she walks through the blood and the doorway. She continues walking further into the palace, the Demon's murmured taunts getting quieter the longer she walks. Taking in how different her Hell's palace looks compared to this one, the dark wood and red velvet of the palace she knows are much more welcoming than the black rock and the abundance of questionable liquids she'd rather not put a name to.

She follows the path and turns the corner, coming face to face with a new Demon, her face, half beautiful-half charred to the bone. She nods politely as the Demon gestures for her to enter a room ringed with black marble columns. She walks into the room, stopping in front of the fire in the centre of the room, opposite this universe's version of her. Whose black, bat-like wings sit against the white-clad back of the Devil of this universe.

"And who are you?" The angelic voice of Lucifer Morningstar reaches her ears, making her back straighten at the thinly veiled anger at her unannounced arrival.

"Do you want the long answer or the short one?" She can't help but taunt, even if she might be in danger, as there was no telling how their power compared to her own.

The Devil's entire body whips around to face her, quickly taking in the intruders appearance and the sight of the hilt of a sword strapped to her back.

"Who do you think you are?..."

"You." She interrupts, smirking at the brief confusion that crosses their face. "I'm you from another universe."

The Devil signals for the Demon to stop her advance on the intruder, who had noticed her despite the Demon's best efforts. "The Kindly Ones sent me here to alert you to my presence so there are no complications while I'm on my mission."

"You expect me to believe, that you are me from another universe." The Devil chuckles.

"I don't expect anything from you and I don't particularly care if you believe me or not. I'm just doing what I'm told..." she hesitates, "which I realise, probably isn't helping to convince you I'm another universe's version of you." She watches the Devil tilt their head, a thought popping into her head as she looks at their bat-like wings. She releases her wings, nearly hitting the Demon, realising that while it'd be great to convince them she's them, she could at the very least show them she's an Angel.

The Devil stares at their bright-white wings, so similar to what their wings looked like before they fell. "If you're me from another universe..." They gesture towards the wings.

"Oh, it's a very different universe..." A bolt of electricity shoots down her spine, "Very different..." she mutters as she suppresses a shiver, unsuccessfully, judging from the analysing look the Devil and the Demon shoot her. Her wings retreat into her back once again.

"What are you doing in this universe then, Lucifer?"

The way they say her name makes her want to punch them, "I'm hunting my father." The shock on their face is as clear as day.

"God?"

She smirks at the Devil, nodding while repressing a flinch at his name. "He has a lot to answer for." She chuckles, "And our siblings agree, might I add."

"All of them?"

"All of them. Even Michael." She pauses, letting the Devil take the information in before adding, "Raphael tried to kill me for trying to get Heaven to see who he really is... and now he's in this universe with me trying to bring him to justice."

"Where is he then?" The Devil inquires, shocked at the information that her sibling would try to kill her. They couldn't imagine their siblings attempting to do the same, even with the hostility between them.

"Heaven, having the same conversation I'm having with you. Though probably more civilly." She smiles a fake smile at the Devil as they look at her, before their eyes flicker behind her.

Caw!

"Hello"

She tenses, her body reacting in a way that tells her it's him. The man she freed from the glass cage, whom she felt entered Hell without even realising it.

"Hello, Dream."

Dream. Is he the Endless the Kindly Ones talked about? She moves to the side to face the Demon, so she can see him and the Devil.

"Greetings to you, Lucifer Morningstar."

She shiver at the sound of him saying her name, even if he doesn't realise it.

"And to you, Mazikeen of the Lillim."

She zones out as his entire presence takes over her being. I'm starting to understand why my siblings are the way they are. The Devil coughs lightly to get her attention.

"Give him hell."

She smirks at the Devil, understanding she's being dismissed and bow slightly to show her respect. She nods at Mazikeen before turning to face the man she hasn't stopped thinking about since she first saw him, she nods at him and walks past him as he nods back, leaving the room. She forces herself to keep going, forces herself to put one foot in front of the other until she's walking out of the palace where she releases her wings and takes to Hell's skies, flying out of the realm and into the mortal one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for reading!

The next part will be up next Friday.

[limbus-limousine]

OK ACTUALLY NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS. I THINK ITS SO IMPORTANT.

There are so many people who don't seem to understand that a diagnosis IS a privilege. The argument about the financial costs of therapy, psychology etc IS very valid and important. But it's not the only thing.

You guys have NO idea how fucking miserable the state of mental health education is in some places. I talk from personal experience. Depending on where you live getting a diagnosis can be so insanely exhausting, it's unreal. It doesn't have to be a "third world country" either. For context I'm from Spain.

I've had "professionals" spewing information that could be debunked with a quick Google search. Half of them use outdated information(I can't count how many times I've heard these people using the term Asperger's as an actual diagnosis). They use diagnosis criterias that are extremely outdated.

If you have anything that's not stereotypical, or you manifest your symptoms in a uncommon way, or you learnt to mask from a very early age, you're fucked. I've lost count of how many people I've seen, but it's double digits and going up. From all those professionals, (only counting the ones who didn't flat out refuse to allow me to take tests, mind you) not a single one of them has given me the same diagnosis. I've been misdiagnosed with depression. I've been told I'm just gifted. Someone told me I have ADHD. Another one told me I'm autistic but definitely not ADHD. Another one said I'm not autistic at all. Others said that I just have "traits". Some said that I have Asperger's, which isn't even a valid term anymore. I just know that I have an anxiety disorder.

It is really really tiring to go through all of these appointments. Sometimes you know that this is just going to be another cash grab. Sometimes you know the doctor is trying to beat around the bush in order to avoid admitting they have no idea what they're dealing with, you're still gonna have to pay them anyways, what would you know? You're the patient. Sometimes you think you did kind of alright in social security and then they give you the next appointment and it turns out you'll have to wait for 7 months and it won't even be the same doctor.

At some point you just get tired of trying. Sometimes it's not only a cash grab, but also hurtful. I've had a doctor tell me that it was "weird" that I had never been sexually involved with anyone OR wanted to be while I was a minor. I tried guiding some therapists in my diagnosis because I don't want to start over everytime I see a new one, and they spent the entire session trying to convince me that I was "normal". I went to see a guy I was directed to by a hospital w very good reputation and it was only 3 minutes until he told me that he had no idea how to treat me and that I should get someone else.

It took me 4 years to get medicated and I can't even see the doctor who prescribed my meds anymore because his services are private and I only knew him through a friend's contact. My own personal doctors tried to get me off meds despite the overwhelmingly positive effects they had on me, with no explanation. They delayed my prescriptions several times.

Do I have a definite diagnosis? No. Not really. But I can deduce shit. These people are not experienced. There just aren't enough candidates who gaf about this field. I just. Gave up after getting meds. I'll self diagnose before I go back to the same bullshit I had to circle around for years. I think this depends on what you really consider to be a self diagnosis but I'd say I'm in a weird spot. I've had people violently deny diagnoses that others said were obviously valid. They were both listed as professionals in the field, so what do I believe? At that point you believe what feels right. As long as you don't use self diagnosis to flaunt on the internet, it's harmless. It's helpful. It's necessary. It is really comforting when you feel like you're lost and the people who are meant to help you don't even want to listen.

It's ok to not want to bother if you've had bad experiences too. Personally I'm letting this rest. The whole hereditary neurodivergency thing has me tired. Unfortunately I can't fully stop giving a fuck because I do need psychiatrists and therapists. When you deal with shitty specialists in this field you start to realize that they can only do simple diagnoses. As I started fixing my own shit with the little guidance I had I realized I have tons of other issues just... Entwined with everything. They can't seem to get that? And look, I'm not blaming them for not being able to read my mind, I'm blaming them for marketing themselves as something that they aren't. Some of these doctors aren't well versed in neurodivergency at all. I'm dead serious like. It feels like they were trained on big bang theory to diagnose autism and expect everything else to just be comforting some kid after a break-up. If you got anything else that isn't stereotypical or super classic get ready to waste your money meaninglessly or drown in your own misery, how fun isn't it?

It can be really disheartening, as I've said. I've started realizing that I have other problems that are trauma related, I just tried to use the other issues as a escapegoat because they were not as hurtful to accept. And because whenever I mentioned anything during sessions it got brushed off lmfao. I know I won't be fully content with the help I receive, at least not in a very long time. Right now I'm just hoping that a diagnosis related to trauma rather than a hereditary nd will be easier for me, and hopefully get some leads on a possible c-ptsd 🥲

Anyways please, if you have actual concerns about your mental health inform yourself. Don't believe anything you see on social media without doing your own research before. Don't believe everything your doctor tells you if it feels wrong. They aren't always right. It takes time and introspection, you are not ableist or an attention seeker for self diagnosing.

Please take care

Reblog this post if you are professionally diagnosed and you support informed self diagnosis and you hate people accusing others of faking disorders when they have no evidence to support that

[wcdonaldo]

hmmmm. thoughts on anxiety

this is gonna be pretty stream-of-consciousness since i'm typing this on my phone at 4am, so pardon me if it's not entirely coherent

a fun feature (and curse) of things like anxiety is that you tend to be a magnet for other people with anxiety, up to the point where you may end up in a friend group where everybody has anxiety. the great part about this is that everybody has some kind of shared experience that you can all bond over. the downside is that often you'll find yourself at large impasses over disagreements, or just general communication issues (including everybody's favorite, the "i feel like i'm pestering them so i'll just wait for them to contact me" which leads to months-to-years long gaps in communication).

in large groups like this what tends to happen (or at least i've found to happen) is that somebody often has to be the one to break the ice since everybody else is too anxious and hesitant. typically this means that they have to swallow their own anxiety to get the ball rolling again, with the acknowledgement of "someone has to do it." this makes you often look impressive or like a saving grace to the other anxious souls around you, but it causes an issue.

the issue regarding being the icebreaker is that you will be expected to do it again, and then again. it becomes your role, and while it is good to be able to "do it scared" as this site loves to say, there is a point where it begins to feel that your own anxiety is being disregarded. that anxiety does not go away, but it appears to to the people around you. and when it gets to a point where you cannot break the ice, where you really are immobile, where you need someone else to do it because you would rather rip your ribs from your chest than leave the comfort zone that your anxious peers are allowed, they will treat your anxiety like it is less important, less severe. the comfort everyone else has a right to is now forbidden for you, as the bearer of the onus.

this doesn't just apply to friend groups! to give a bit of a personal example, all members of my nuclear family have anxiety to some degree, and rampant communication issues. we all would have likely gone our separate ways years ago if there hadn't been someone willing to bridge the gaps between people... which meant me swallowing my anxiety and fears regarding both my parents, because nobody else would take any steps towards fostering communication. this landed me the informal job of the "family arbitrator," which is like being an unlicensed therapist with too much personally at stake. this role I kept for about a decade until i prevented my parents' divorce for the third time in march, and promptly moved out. there was a sense from both parents that i was selfishly running away from them, at which point i called them out and told them that i quit as their family therapist (there were snide remarks about how "they handled these things" and "it wasn't my job" but i really harshly disagree). even now they occasionally require my input to solve disputes, but i've made a point of telling them not to use me to vent to about each other as it deepens the anxiety they forgot i had.

a similar thing has occurred with a friend group i've had since high school-- my attitudes towards life (especially IRT my fears of the state of the world being forcibly put behind my need for gainful employment) and my understanding that if i do not step outside my comfort zone to contact others nobody else will, have convinced some of my friends that my anxiety is simply not as bad as some of the others. they do not understand when it is crippling, when it is all i can do to not break down and cry at my own uselessness, they do not notice when i can barely leave my bed out of a sense of distress. when i find myself at an impasse with another, and i am bolted in place by my own fears, they are the ones who tell me to suck it up and be the one to reach out

and what i am NOT saying is that it is a bad thing to be able to reach out. it is unequivocally good to be able to work through your anxiety and be able to function the way you want to. what i am experiencing and observing however, is that once you are established as "the one who can reach out" you are not afforded a rest, a breather, a moment where you are the one who can be approached rather than the other way around. like atlus you will never not bear that onus again, and when you speak out and mention your anxieties, you will be told that they are not as bad as the others' because you're the one who can reach out: so accept that you must reach out for any progress to be made.

there is no moral to this story or observation if I'm being honest. this is mostly me venting about not being allowed this comfort zone that others are allowed to have.

[words-writ-in-starlight]

Okay but if Michael and Saru are 2/3 of a triad, who is their 3rd? I can see lots of possibilities, some more reasonable than others, but I always come back to Tilly. I think my poor queer heart just really wants to know how the dynamics of a woman + woman + male (of prey species) triad play out.

OKAY, I think there’s been a small misconception here in that when I say “Michael and Saru are two thirds of a triumvirate,” I mean something distinctly different from “I think their relationship would work better with a third party involved.”  In fact I generally think it...wouldn’t?  Largely because so much of Michael and Saru’s dynamic is About their history, and there’s just no way for a third person to step in and not be on an uneven footing because they didn’t spend years bickering on the Shenzhou and they didn’t know the feeling of finding the Ship of the Dead and they never stood on the deck during that moment when Georgiou stepped out and held a phaser on her first officer.  Could they add a third person into a pre-existing dynamic like that?  Yeah sure.  Do I necessarily think either of them are emotionally mature enough to do the necessary work to ensure they weren’t leaving someone on the outside?  Not really.

What I mean by Michael and Saru being two thirds of a triumvirate is that, clearly, they were the Big Three on their ship with Captain Georgiou.  A triumvirate in the sense of three people who hold power and sway over those they lead, like Kirk-Bones-Spock or Superman-Wonder Woman-Batman or Zeus-Poseidon-Hades.  Three people who are the center that must hold, in order to their world to spin on, three people who are thought of as a unit and spoken of in the same breath, regardless of how much they might argue.  Georgiou, Michael, and Saru were the core of the Shenzhou, certainly, but more than they they spent all their time together, worked together constantly, knew the pace of their banter and the positions they were expected to take in arguments.

And then Michael turned on them in a moment of desperation, and Georgiou pointed a phaser at her, and Saru denounced her as a mutineer, and they went to war.  And then Georgiou died with Michael inches away and Saru alone in command of a ruined ship, before any of them could piece the destruction of their triumvirate back together, and--

And Georgiou was gone forever, and Saru blamed Michael, and Michael blamed Michael, and the galaxy entire blamed Michael, so it was easy to go on blaming her.

Until Michael came back, of course.  Determined to do anything, even waste away in prison, even sacrifice herself, to repay a fraction of what she believed she’d done wrong.  It’s harder to blame her when she’s standing there convinced of her own guilt, Saru discovers quickly.

They start to feel their way back to their old relationship, their old dynamic of opposition-but-trust, but their old dynamic was a triumvirate.

So...Lorca.  Of course they trust him.  He’s their captain.  He’s their leader.  He’s their third person, the thing that makes the center solid enough to hold, the third leg of the three-legged stool, he’s--

He’s a traitor.

They’re not so quick to seek a triumvirate, with the Emperor or with Pike, and in the meantime they’ve blundered into the idea that they might even have a dynamic without one.  Three was always company, while two was a crowd, when it came to Michael and Saru on the Shenzhou, but...

Different universe, these days.  Not literally, anymore, but a taste of the literal truth was enough for a lifetime.

Michael and Saru eat together sometimes, these days, without looking aside for someone who isn’t there, and it’s--it’s not what they had before, but it sure is something.

[alphabetsoup-blogposts]

Everyone is agreed (I think) that injustice needs to be addressed and a degree of liberalisation is in order but the devil of the point is that "decriminalisation is not legalisation". More than that, actually—neither "decriminalisation" nor "legalisation" means just one thing. The whole hog is not regulation, the whole hog would be treating cannabis products like potatoes. (Yes, I know I'm positing a straw man... I'm just trying to underscore that there are a dozen different options for legalisation.)

In any of the the myriad ways forward, there are a host of "social impact" questions that arise. Cigarettes and alcohol are some kind of model but "gangster terrorists" can still make a good living in contraband. Indeed, I recollect seeing a research finding that illegal cannabis supplies tend to rise in areas where marijuana has been legalised and regulated.

A licensing regime and comprehensive regulation tends to be very cost-intensive to set up and is only offset by taxes over time. Sometimes the offset does not work because retailers and suppliers take regulatory shortcuts, calculating that the new culture of permissiveness around the drug now makes it less risky to buy cheap, unlicensed cannabis instead. Meanwhile, regulation-lite regimes that license retail, but do not properly inspect and restrict suppliers, end up becoming hostage to the crises created when dangerous synthetic substitutes infiltrate the market.

A significant problem that tends to arise with regulation is counterfeiting. There is often no easy solution to the problem of retailers that sell products under a convincing-but-fake brand label— first, because counterfeits are harder to catch than drugs that are illegal ipso facto: second because—as with counterfeit luxury goods—consumers do not make natural complainants; and, third, because neither "mens rea" nor "strict liability" are entirely convincing legislative approaches here.

What is needed in tackling the imperative of liberalisation is thought, experience and judgment, as well as courage. Pilot schemes are good, data from existing schemes are better. Imagination and public investment are essential.

In the interim and given the complexity of this topic, simply saying "you can carry a small amount of cannabis on you for personal use and not be subject to legal harassment" is a relatively cheap and effective way to move forward—one which retains and vests in law enforcement the power to pursue traffickers and distributors without let or hindrance.

Today, I will bring a bill to Dáil Éireann to decriminalise the possession of small amounts of cannabis for personal use.

This is a moderate bill which is the start of a national conversation that Ireland needs to have about how we treat the possession of cannabis for personal use.

The legislation that I will move in the Dáil this week is timely, as other countries are moving towards a model of the regulation of cannabis as opposed to treating it as a criminal justice matter. Simply put, the present laws on criminalisation do not work.

The bill which I will bring forward amends the Misuse of Drugs Act 1977 to enable a person who is at least 18 years of age to have possession, for the person’s personal use, of 7 grams of cannabis or 2.5 grams of cannabis resin.

People often confuse the term decriminalisation and legalisation and do not understand the difference between the two. Decriminalisation of cannabis is simply removing the criminal penalties attached to the person, it does not make cannabis legal

continue reading

It's a start, but why stop there? Go the whole hog and legalise it already. By regulating it, a cash stream for the gangster terrorists would be greatly diminished or cut entirely.

[ladyanput]

Ok so this is the third time that I'm sending you an ask tonight. (or is it night time in your country?) I'm being annoying right now but whatever. So I've been cackling about those salt fics you wrote because they are just amazing. I have a request, though it is up to you to write it or not. So, can you write a salt fic where someone got an interview with Ladybug (probably Aurore) and then they ask her why they replaced the old heroes like Rena Rouge, Carapace and etc. and LB is just like I don't work with dumb shits or somethin'. Then there is also a new Black Cat (Probably Luka, Felix, or Damian) because Adrien here is an asshole and this fic is saltier than salt water. Then LB also insults Alya's blog and their school. Those foolish mortals get some lawsuits and the rest is up to you. (This request is probably messed up since it's already midnight here and I can't sleep.)

You're never annoying, I just apologize that it took me so long to get to you. I do hope you don't hold it against me, darling.

A one on one interview with Ladybug was basically unheard of if you weren't the Ladyblog or Nadja Chadwick. Ladybug had made it firm that she wasn't a celebrity, she was a hero. She wasn't there for clout, for attention, for fame or fortune. She just wanted to keep Paris safe.

That's was Aurore admired about her. And why she felt queasy as she sat across from the heroine, who had given her of all people an interview. But she got ahold of herself, taking deep breaths as the cameraman began counting down. And when he hit 'one', she put on her best smile and straightened in her seat.

"Hello Paris! Welcome back to 'Latest Buzz'! I am your lovable host, Aurore Beauréal. Today I am here with a very, very special guest, our very own heroine of Paris; Ladybug!"

Ladybug beamed right at the camera, but gave a shy little wave, giving away the nerves she obviously had.

"Now, Ladybug, I'm so glad you requested to be on the show. You know, I initially thought I had misheard when Estelle told me. Usually you're not big on personal interviews." Aurore gave her full attention to Ladybug, but keeping the bright, friendly smile and perfect posture.

"Well, I tried a few times actually. But when I did, none of them were really great experiences." Ladybug admitted and both girls immediately thought of that disastrous Face-to-Face interview. It left a bitter taste in their mouths. "My issue is that misinformation has been spread around a lot recently. It's made me realize that I need to find more trustworthy sources."

"Ladybug. I vow on my integrity as a host and Estelle's reputation as a journalist that we are people who research facts. We don't ambush our guests, we respect them." She said, placing a hand on her heart. Ladybug saw an honesty in her eyes that she hadn't seen in such a long time. It honestly made her feel.. Respected. "Now, Ladybug.. We both know you have a lot of fans. A lot of admirers. False information can be spread so easily these days, which sources specifically are you telling people to avoid?"

"Well.. With Face-to-Face, I found that I was entirely ambushed in that interview. I wanted to speak about my hero work, but instead Nadja kept trying to needle her way into my personal life. That picture she had shown in largely out of context; when Dark Cupid attacked and Chat Noir was under his spell, it was the only way to get him free."

"Yes, I remember watching that. I'll be honest Ladybug, I felt bad for you." Aurore bit her lip, but smiled a bit when Ladybug nodded. "I mean, Chat Noir wasn't helping either. He seemed to be trying to push this narrative forward that you two are a couple."

"And we're not!" Ladybug burst out before she could stop herself. Everyone in that studio could hear the utter stress and frustration in her voice. "I've begged and begged Chat Noir to stop with the flirting, the 'telling people we're dating', everything! I just wanted him to focus and he couldn't seem to do that!"

"Is that why you replaced him? Because of his slacking off and refusing to take anything seriously?" Aurora sat up an bit straighter, her eyes going wide.

".. Not exactly, no. It was a bunch of issues that eventually piled up and boiled over." Ladybug made some gestures with her hands, trying her hardest to find the words but just letting out a long and pained sigh in the end. "I do enjoy my new partner now. He is more serious, more stable. I know he won't go off and pout if I deny something he wanted. I needed an entirely new team, as a matter of fact."

"Well I am going to say, on behalf of everyone here, that we're glad. We swear on our integrity as journalists that if such rumours were to ever surface again, we will do our proper research." Aurore beamed and many of the staff and crew behind the cameras nodded and gave Ladybug their thumbs up. Honestly, it warmed Ladybug's heart to see such support.

When had been the last time someone had supported her like this? Sure, her parents supported her, but her friends..? Her peers? No, none of them had supported her in a long time.

"Speaking of research, I'd say to stay away from the Ladyblog." It burned to say it but it had to be said. Alya had crossed so many lines it wasn't even forgivable at this point. She had gone too far, had betrayed too many.

"Wait, what?" Aurore nearly jumped out of her seat but quickly composed herself, taking a deep breath. "Pardon me Ladybug, but the Ladyblog has been a vital source of information since the very beginning."

"And I'm not denying that!" Ladybug quickly held up her hands, her eyes desperate now. "But please let me explain. The Ladyblog was amazing in the beginning, but like all things, it started to go astray. It was things like trying so hard to find out my identity. Trying to push that narrative of that whole superhero couple thing.. Ladyblogger Alya Césaire has proven time and time again that she is not trustworthy. I mean, I thought she was my biggest fan. Why does she keep pushing my words aside?"

Many people who watched the interview would agree. If you idolized someone, respected someone, truly looked up to them.. Why would you push aside their words, their wishes to try and push the narrative you're so convinced is true, but isn't there?

"And don't get me started on the whole Lila Rossi craze she seemed to be on now." At Ladybug's mention of Lila Rossi, both Estelle and Aurore had to keep from rolling their eyes. They knew all about the girl.

"You speak as if you are quite frustrated, Ladybug. What an odd reaction to your best friend." Aurore leaned forward a bit in her seat. Everyone else got to the edge of theirs. Ladybug only shook her head, looking utterly defeated.

"That's the thing, she isn't my best friend." It took everything to keep from satin that she hated her, that she had taken away her friends and her life. "The only times she's met Ladybug is when she's been akumatized, which has been around six or seven times at this point. And the other things she's claiming are so outlandish! Saving Jagged Stone's kitten from a airport runway? Clara Nightengale stealing her dance moves? And the Ladyblog just posts it out there, claiming every single story is true. I'm just scared that people are taking this one hundred percent seriously. That's why I had to drop Rena Rouge and Carapace from the team as they believed Lila Rossi over me. They didn't even try to confirm these rumours! And it hurts to think that one day, someone will take Lila's words seriously and get hurt. What if she says it's safe to dip strawberries in bleach? Or tells someone that she found a way to tame some kind of wild animal? Someone would get hurt because they believe her story and try it out for themselves!"

"My goodness, I can definitely see how that is a problem. Misinformation is very easy to spread thanks to the internet, so you being worried is a very relatable thing." Aurore nodded, then tilted her head ever so slightly. "Ladybug, do you know anyone who has taken her word seriously? This is besides the Ladyblog of course."

Ladybug closed her eyes briefly, mentally debating with herself before finally giving in. These things needed to be said.

"Collège François DuPont. Now I wasn't there personally, but I heard about this situation and looked into it. The entire situation was appalling. Apparently a student was found to have cheated, assaulted another student, and commited thievery. But the thing that stuck out is only one person saw her do all of these things; Lila Rossi. No investigation was done, no questioning other students. This student was then expelled immediately. Her teacher and her principal didn't even give her a chance. And from what people have been saying, Miss Rossi's behaviour is actively encouraged in that school. She misses countless days, no, months of school, claiming she's traveling. But when she was supposedly in Achu, doing whatever it was she was claiming with Prince Ali, I was fighting her akuma here in Paris on Heroes Day!"

"I was at school the day that happened. I knew the student that happened to. They're the nicest person in that school! Never a bad thing to say about anyone, always willing to help! I agree with you on how things were handled, it's a level of incompetence that is baffling." Aurore's hands slowly curled into fists as she remembered it all. She slowly shook her head. "The principal, their teacher, their class who backed up Rossi. It must have hurt them so much, made them feel so alone."

"That's why I want people to be more careful with what information they take as fact. It's so important, because stuff like that can lead people to a desperate place. They feel alone, like the entire world is against them. I wouldn't have let the principal and the teacher get away with that gross negligence in their jobs." Ladybug leveled her gaze directly to the camera. "People of Paris, please listen to what I am saying. I am here to be a hero, to protect you from the terror of Hawkmoth and to defeat him. But please, do not be like Principal Damocles, do not be like that teacher and her class at DuPont. Do your research, look up your facts. Do not let a liar lead you to do something dangerous and hurt yourself as well as others. Respect each other, talk and be honest. I swear on my life that I shall do the same. You are the people I swore to protect and I love. I am saying this all to protect you. And I'll hope you'll all forgive me for not protecting you sooner."

...

The interview rocked Paris. Ladybug speaking so openly about her frustrations, about the discrepancies in the Ladyblog and Lila Rossi had many people double checking the sources of everything they learned from that blog.

Alya could barely show her face as she made her way though the school hallways. Her reputation as a journalist had gone down the drain. People had basically started boycotting her blog, harrassing her, or trash talking her on other forums and sites. Even a lot of news outlets picked this up.

What hurt the most from that interview last night was Ladybug's words towards her, both as Rena Rouge and as Alya. Surely the heroine had to be mistaken, she had never beytrayed Ladybug! And that Oblivio incident, it was just to show Chat Noir and Ladybug that they were meant to be together!

Her family was upset with her. No, upset was too tame of a word. They were pissed.

"I can't believe she lied to us.."

"Well what do you expect from someone who keeps harrassing Ladybug?"

Alya flinched when she heard the whispers and rushed into Miss Buster's class. The entire class was there, all seated, all looking utterly miserable. Many of them looked as if they had been crying all night. A lot like she had.

"W-where's Miss Bustier?" Alya asked when she eyed the empty desk. Many of her classmates shot her glares, but didn't say anything about the interview last night. After all, they had no room to talk.

"She and Principal Damocles are with the school board now. We're getting a new teacher." Adrien was the one that spoke up. He looked utterly miserable. So unlike his usual self.

"Lila isn't coming back. She was pulled from school when her mother found out what happened." Alix muttered from her seat, arms crossed and shoulders hunched.

The class went quiet as they all internally contemplated how things had gotten like this. Their eyes focused on the door when it abruptly opened and Marinette came strolling in, carrying a box.

"Good morning everyone!" She said brightly, pretending not to notice the downcast expressions on their faces. She set the box on the teacher's desk before she turned towards them. "Oh? What's wrong everyone?"

".. Did you not watch the interview with Ladybug on 'Latest Buzz'?" Alya stared at Marinette, a bit dumbfounded by her friend's lack of awareness of the situation. She had been expecting Marinette to rush in with support and a fiery vengeance against those who had humiliated her best friend, maybe even a fresh pastry. But instead she was greeted with empty hands and a cheerful hello?

"Oh, well I haven't really had the time to watch much television. I mean, with my transfer papers, needing to plan out my new schedule with all of those new classes. Busy as a bee, that's me!" Marinette just beamed, giving Adrien a playful wink that had his stomach churning.

"Wait, transfering?" It was Rose that spoke up, her large eyes seeming impossibly large now. "Transfer what?"

"To my new school, of course." Marinette giggled and clasped her hands together. "I start on Monday."

"New school?!" Alya was on her feet and rushing towards Marinette. The others quickly followed, crowding around her. "What do you mean new school?! When did you ever say you were going to a new school?"

Marinette blinked, as if stunned, then tilted her head ever so slightly.

"I told you all last week, don't you remember?" Marinette tapped her lower lip, seeming to be wracking her brain before she abruptly snapped her fingers. "Oh! I forgot, you all were deep in conversation with Lila about her upcoming event with Jagged Stone and Clara Nightengale. You know, the one she said she'd be attending with Ladybug, since they're such good friends. Did she ever say how it went?"

All of the students shifted uneasily, suddenly seeming to refuse to meet her face.

Alix murmured something so barely audible, Marinette held a hand to her ear and leaned closer.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Lila was lying to us!" Alix snapped as her cheeks went a flaming red.

"About everything! She never knew Jagged Stone!" Juleka spat out in fury.

"Or Prince Ali!" Rose sniffled.

"And she wasn't friends with Ladybug? They were barely acquaintances!" Alya wailed out as tears welled up in her eyes.

But Marinette hardly reacted the way they were expecting. She just gave them a small smile and nodded.

"Oh, yeah. I know."

Alya sucked in a breath sharply.

"You knew..? But why did you never..?"

"Oh Alya, you silly forgetful thing. I told you the day she returned from her long 'trip', remember? I told you she was lying." Marinette gave Alya a smile that said 'oh you silly thing'. "But you told me that I should really check my sources. And I got tired of trying to bring up any lies, since that was always your response. So I decided to just stop. I mean, since you're such an inspiring, honest journalist you must double and triple check every source you come across and found every story to be true!"

Alya flinched and looked away, feeling the churning feeling in her gut again. No, the Ladyblog had been the only source for the stories. The. Only. One.

"And I'm sure all of you knew what you were doing! I mean, it makes sense; trusting the words of a complete stranger over someone you've known for a while now. Some of you since we were in diapers!" She focused her gaze on Nino and Kim, who had the grace to at least look ashamed.

"Marinette, you really should-" Adrien began, reaching out for the girl, but was cut off by her clapping her hands together.

"But it's alright! I decided that fighting with you all wasn't worth it, so I took Adrien's advice and took the high road! Don't bother exposing Lila, she isn't hurting anyone!" Marinette announced brightly, giving her hands a little wave.

The temperature in the classroom dropped by several degrees.

".. Adrien, she's kidding, right?" Nino glanced over at his friend, his eyes pleading for him to deny it all. But the sight of the blood draining from the model's face and the sweat starting to bead at his forehead told him everything he needed to know. "Dude.."

"How could you?! You knew this entire time and didn't even try to tell me?!" Alya rounded on Adrien, fury in her eyes.

"Now, now, don't get mad at Adrien. I'm sure he knew you all were going to do you research. Besides, it's not like this did anything bad for anyone." Marinette pressed a hand to her cheek, still grinning. "I mean, it's not like you all took her advice without doing any research. You didn't try the things she suggested without actually checking them out to be true, right? No one lost any scholarships or job opportunities. No one's relationships were ruined. No one was hurt."

The nauseous feeling spread to all of the class as the reality of everything caught up with them.

"I'm sure everything will go back to normal, right? I mean, I'm sure that that woman from the education bureau isn't here to fire Damocles and Bustier for their severe neglect in their duties. Expelling me with the most mediocre and shaky proof. Surely that's a school I should feel safe in! That I should be proud to be a part of. But alas, my preparations for my new school are already done, so oh well."

Marinette shrugged and adjusted her purse strap.

"Anyhow, I wish you all luck with the amazing things Lila has helped you to do! I know it must have been worth ignoring me and convincing me I was crazy. With all of the free time I've had, with you guys practically replacing me with Lila in the group, I've had tons of time to spend with my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?!" Alya's eyes went owlishly wide as she gaped at Marinette. "But what about Adrien?!"

"Oh Alya, I fell out of love with Adrien forever ago." Marinette shook her head in an almost patronizing way that had Alya's cheeks burning with embarrassment. They didn't even pay attention to Adrien's noises of surprise. "I mean, you claimed I was jealous of Lila getting close to Adrien, that I should let the jealousy go. And you know what? You were right! So I decided Adrien wasn't worth the stress, the embarrassment.. I mean, I couldn't even talk to him straight. I thought he was the most perfect guy in the world! Goodness, did I learn my lesson!"

She giggled as if she found the entire thing amusing. She then beamed at the class.

"Well, ta-ta! I need to get back home and make sure everything is ready to go. I wish you all the best, I really do!"

They all watched, shellshocked as Marinette breezed out of the classroom like it was nothing. Like she wasn't leaving her friends, her school, her life behind. And they all would wonder exactly how badly they screwed up, if she could walk away do easily, without a care.

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[langernameohnebedeutung]

this is definitely no 'this is what it all means and im right about it!1'-take and more of a 'this is how I am reading it'-take, but between all the (valid) 'how could they make Blaine reconcile with his abusive father'-takes and the discussions about their respective motives and manipulations etc - - - I actually kind of like to take that uncertainty at face-value.

I like to read it not so much as a story about the pain of past abuse - but the horrible situation of being put into the spotlight and having your abuser throw a complete 180 at you and having changed - while the victim is still stuck in the limbo of their trauma and basically just has the rug pulled out from under them - a situation where everyone else seems to have figured out everything and you're alone with a bunch of re-opened wounds - are you the idiot for actually still caring about what this person did to you? or are you an idiot for actually hoping this has a chance? both? neither?

Anyway, I'm putting this under a cut, because it's a) very, very ridiculously long and b) talks about subjects such as child abuse, suicide etc.

So, as the audience, we're mostly seeing this changed relationship between Angus and Blaine from Blaine's point of view. And the anger and uncertainty about 'what's going on with them?' - and: 'he wouldn't really forgive him??' that many people feel at this change in their dynamic kind of mirrors Blaine's own feelings as they are presented on the show. The show (a bit like Angus) seems to have fast-forwarded through a lot of all the emotional debris and entanglement between these two characters - and looks back at us like 'wait, you're still hung up on that?' Which, again, is kind of how Angus reacts to Blaine's reservations in a lot of these scenes.

Think of their first meeting after the well - at the restaurant, when Angus tells Blaine that he 'forgives' him and Blaine flies absolutely off the handle and loses control over himself and threatens to kill him. Because that's the ultimate slap in the face - being told by your abuser that they forgive you. In the most condescending manner possibly. Of course Blaine's pissed. It's actually one of the most out of control moments Blaine has, and yeah, it makes sense for him. The last time his father drove him into a corner, Blaine ended up suffocating his own grandfather with a pillow.

It would have been really easy for the writers to just say outright: "Well, Angus is just faking this whole Brother Love thing and he is really just intentionally manipulating Blaine this whole time."

It's also really easy to say: "Well, if an abuser really changes, they can make their apologies! And then, the victim decides whether they continue that relationship/fix things - or reject it and say no." - - - And morally, this approach is correct. But it also gives a strong agency to the abuser - while reducing the situation of the victim and the entire pain and trauma they're dealing with to factors in a binary decision-making process. Remember, many abuse survivors actually don't have a clinically cold view of their abuser. There is love mixed with fear and thousands of other emotions.

Because it's not a simple 'yes' or 'no' - from the perspective of the victim, accepting an apology is a decision affected by past and current power-dynamics, by people around you, by narratives, by past experiences etc.

People will often look at things like: "Well, they hurt you but they put in so much work, so they're serious!" OR "Actually they apologised before AND they hurt you again, so you can't trust their apology a second/third/tenth time! You're naive!" - again, it's made all about the abuser and how good their work is, whether they're convincing or not - and the victim, will still weighed down by a bunch of conflicting feelings, has all that 'evidence' shoved at them and has to make a rational judgement.

(and the easy response to that is: "Put yourself first! Make whatever decision helps you move forward and makes you happy and safe!" - and that's...also much harder in practice, because you got your own emotional debris to sort through and dealing with an apology means you also have to deal with another person's emotional baggage. There is a reason why the people who hurt someone and feel guilty get told to apologise - for 'closure' - because they're not the victim. Because moving on is always easier for the abuser than for the victim - and that's how victims get forced into uncomfortable interactions with past abusers under the guise of apologies/fixing things/making amends.

My first controversial take would be: Blaine doesn't want his father dead.

Which isn't even really controversial, because he literal says it the first time we meet Angus. Blaine tells him that he wants to take over the company and put Angus into a 'hell-hole' (mission accomplished) to get revenge for what he did to Blaine's grandfather. Blaine wants his father to live and suffer, not just die. He wants to torment him but he also wants to show off his successes and repeatedly tells Angus in the well about them. In fact, considering how casually Blaine takes lives in his line of work, it's not really surprising that murder is not really his idea of the worst punishment.

But in a way, it gets even more twisted than that because there is a certain...pattern between these two. Because Blaine doesn't actually only focus on the direct physical and emotional abuse his father inflicted on him that he wants revenge for. There is something he addresses even more often: That he felt abandoned by his father - in fact, feeling unloved and rejected is something he brings up much more often than the physical abuse. And sure, he wants him gone - but he's not just occupied with the idea of having Angus gone, but the idea of what it would be like to actually have a father who actually did give a damn.

I think this is very important to understanding their relationship: They hate each other at least as much for what they are and what they do - as they hate each other for what they fail to be/fail to do.

Blaine doesn't just want Angus gone and powerless and suffering and revenge for everything he put them all through - he also wants to have a father that actually loves him and cares. For example, that's why Don E telling Blaine that his father never loved him was such a blow in the finale. And that's why Blaine spends in his afternoons in a camping chair with a radio next to him, telling his well-dad about his day. Down to the "Love you, mean it-" quips - he's literally enacting a normal relationship in a twisted sadistic mirror-way.

So one the one hand, Angus in season 4 is Blaine's worst nightmare:

He's free, he's back, he's powerful, and he's acting absolutely unpredictably and outside of any frame of reference Blaine has of him - which is...really not something you like to see from your abuser. But Angus is also offering him something that Blaine really wants: He suddenly does seem to care about Blaine, he suddenly values Blaine's...accomplishments instead of constantly putting him down, he's acknowledging the abuse and neglect he put Blaine through and that he was aware of what Bader did to him and that it was wrong. He's no longer mocking Blaine's trauma. Meaning that Blaine basically gets what he wants - what he always wanted - all of a sudden, completely unexpected, after he had long since written it off.

And he doesn't know what to do with it.

This is kind of where I circle back into this view we have of apologies.

We treat it kind of like a Sphinx-situation. The abuser has to solve the riddle of how to get the words 'I accept your apology' out of the Sphinx/victim.

The guilty party does some work (or doesn't, or fakes it or anything else) and returns to put the solution to the riddle/their remedy in front of the cryptic Sphinx that either accepts the answer/apology or does not.

That's what I mean when I say that taking the abuser's perspective on apologies also gives them a lot of agency. We focus on the inner-workings of the person that solves the riddle - on their thought processes, on the way they approach this. The Sphinx doesn't get inner-workings in that sense. It's a machine, a yes-or-no-creature. It's a computer, spitting out a 'yes' or 'no'. It's not like we acknowledge the Sphinx feelings here. Or wonder how easy/difficult she finds it to say yes or no. And that's not a good way to look at victims in an apology-scenario. Because they're the one in the most difficult position here and their 'yes' or 'no' is affected by hundreds of factors - for example, whether they're afraid that their abuser might get angry again, if they refuse the apology. Or the fear of losing mutual friends.

It leads us to scenarios where we say: "Why doesn't she just leave him if he keeps treating her like that?" or "Why do so many victims keep forgiving their abuser (subtone: when it's obviously the wrong answer). I would just leave!"

But...looking at apologies from the side of a victim, we have to realise that they're not an automaton. They're a human being! A person in an extremely complex situation. They have to deal with old wounds being re-opened. They cannot be sure which of their feelings are to be trusted - where the line is between rationality and trauma.

And Angus has really a way of making this worse by switching back and forth, treating Blaine as irrational whenever he doesn't trust him/is cautious - and then violating his boundaries or saying stuff that re-opens old wounds. To the point where he reverts to old form at the end of the season.

For example, you get scenes like this

So not only do you have Angus basically springing his presence on Blaine at the restaurant to the point where he pops up unannounced with a bunch of dozen of followers of his and makes demands - and says that they will now be coming back again and again, no discussion about it. Which is...pretty much par for the course of their relationship. Angus tried to almost the same thing back in season 2, after he found out that Blaine wasn't actually a zombie anymore and blackmailed him into killing for him.

So at first, this looks like a solid continuation of their old dynamics - setting Blaine up to believe that this is same of the old song. While at the same time, Angus is really changing the rules, now that he's suddenly obsessed with charity and his cult. In fact, Blaine pretty efficiently summarises the ridiculousness of the situation by referring to the cultists as 'my brothers and sisters' - because Angus has gone from not giving a crap about his 1 own, biological son, to taking care of a bunch of strangers to the point where he calls them his 'children'.

So what Blaine is basically saying is: 'fuck off, these guys can eat at my restaurant as guests as long as they pay for it and that's it on that.'

And Angus, acting as if Blaine is being ridiculous says what basically translates to: "Well, they're your family so you have to feed us. Duh."

I don't think it needs saying that if you actually want(ed) to make amends, you wouldn't/shouldn't waltz in, make a bunch of demands on the foundation of the very same relationship in whose context you abused the other person in. But it's something many abusive parents do - "you are my child, you have to do this for me!" It's something that abuse victims (and in fact, hurt parties in many scenarios) - will often encounter. They will be put through their abuser acting like nothing is wrong - among friends, in a court of law, when meeting their victim at family dinners etc.

In fact, we know Angus only had a bunch of meals in his lifetime with Blaine - 'seven times', apparently, and we know Blaine literally counted stuff like that - so walking in there and calling on the tradition of 'family meals' from the son he abused is kind of a ...bold move, I must say. And it's just topped off by the 'I forgive you'-line.

There are many small occasions like this: Angus either flat-out ignores some boundaries and takes control of a situation and makes it all about himself or acts like Blaine is being ridiculous for not trusting him - or he just straight up reframes the same rhetoric he previously used in an abusive way now in a 'positive' way.

Now, again, the point isn't how to solve the problem 'correctly' (they're both too far gone for that to work) but really to illustrate the situation it puts the person on the receiving end of an apology in.

The probably most obvious example is the execution of Fr. Bader.

Because in that scene, Angus had complete, perfect, total agency. He has complete power over this situation. He literally puts his son's very traumatising and very intimate and very humiliating childhood experiences on a physical stage in front of hundreds of strangers - to talk about his own personal 'growth'. He once again springs something like that on Blaine without warning, without his consent - and then even confronts Blaine with another person that he was abused by - and proceeds to kill someone who played a pretty large role in Blaine's life without Blaine's consent. (...I mean, the insanity of asking for consent to kill another person already illustrates how unfixable this situation is, but my point stands.)

In fact, that he is willing to kill Bader for 'hurting my son' when he is guilty of the same crime, actually shows very much that he's still making the calls here. He decided that Bader has to die and he gets to live - because he has found god. He has total agency over this.

This is Angus' show for his cult. It happens the way he wants it to. And that is the problem for example with public apologies or public displays of guilt or redemption - you have the abuser absolutely in charge while the person who actually is the victim gets dragged into the show without their consent under the direct supervision of strangers (in this case, literally the cult-followers of the person who abused Blaine) - and they have to react appropriately, on the spot.(While the abuser can prepare for it.)

Another thing Angus loves to do is point out how Blaine is such a successful businessman.

Now, on the surface this is nice. A compliment. But one of the major points Angus always disliked about Blaine in the past was that he didn't consider him a good businessman. It's literally one of the things he spits at Blaine before he gets dropped into the well. Also, it's one of the first things we hear Angus say on the show at all, when he asks Blaine whether 'business is so bad that you're reduced to making your own deliveries?'

He accuses Blaine of being held back by his own hedonism (e.g. dropping out of Wharton, Angus blackmails him in s2 with the threat of re-zombifying him) instead of putting business first, like him (Angus embraces immortality). It's a central part of why Angus didn't value his son - in Nietzsche-terms, Angus sees Blaine as a Dionysian counterpart to his own Apollonian nature.

And by now calling Blaine a good businessman in season 4, Angus shows us that while he has changed - he's still judging Blaine based on the same criteria. Only that now, he's satisfied with Blaine's businesses instead of dissatisfied.

But being on the receiving end of such insults-turned-praise from a person who used to hurt you is that - the love you're getting is conditional. The approval you getting can be very temporary. It's just one failure or change of mind away. The same power structure still exists. It can just as easily be turned around on you again and if it does, you will be judged (and hurt and rejected) on the same scale again. (2) Except now you cannot criticise it anymore, because you're 'moving on' and 'they apologised' - and currently they are being nice to you, even if your lizard brain tells you not to trust them. It means that literally nothing has changed about the power-relations in that dynamic or the toxic view that person has of you - and it means that this person has not actually challenged their own harmful worldview that led them to hurt others at all.

Which is literally what happens at the end of this season to their relationship. In their final scene together, Angus' reverts to his roots the instant he doesn't get what he wants.

One example, there is Angus' attitude towards his dead wife. Most of what we learn about her comes from Angus comparing Blaine to her. She receives very little identity of her own throughout the show. Old Angus usually liked to compare her to Blaine in order to explicitly insult them both and place blame for Blaine's real and perceived shortcomings as a son on his mother - and even subtly blaming Blaine for her his mother's unhappiness (think the earring story where he blames his own dislike of Blaine on him making his mother sad.)

For example the first time Angus is introduced, he says this when Blaine brings up his mother's suicide and Angus' lack of interest in it:

There is also one scene in s4, where Angus starts talking about her over their 'Monday's dinner' and Blaine immediately cuts him off - either because he doesn't want to talk about her at all or he specifically doesn't want to talk with his father about her, both of which are pretty understandable. Angus, on the other hand, ignores that request and continues talking about her - once again taking over a situation, because he's not the one being made uncomfortable. (And returning to the whole victim-perspective thing, Blaine is once again in a situation where his discomfort with the situation is cast aside in favour of Angus pretty much telling him how happy and great they're doing now)

Then, in the season finale, she is brought up again in a scene that very much mirrors the one from season 2:

In that scene, Angus once again compliments Blaine on being 'a businessman, an innovator, soon, the founding father of a zombie republic' (step down from zombie messiah?) - and then directly moves on to bring up his dead wife.

In itself, it's a harmless compliment - probably not the healthiest or sanest thing to say to your son, but by their standards pretty okay.

But at the technical level of it all (the: what does this compliment say? how is it saying it and what is it complimenting?), it's still very much working the same way the old insults went: By reducing all involved parties to their parts and speculating about where Blaine got what. Basically, he's treating his family like an equation. I'm not saying it's inherently toxic to spot similarities and differences between family members. They're bound to exist! But Angus does have a long history of doing this in an abusive context.

That time then, Blaine doesn't cut him off and seems to accept the compliment, indicating that he's build a certain level of trust that Angus is not going to say something awful about either him or his mother - the way the old Angus would have.

And having this level of trust to actually accept a compliment from a person who had the power to abuse you (and used it), means giving them a little bit of power back again. Over you! That's why so many people dealing with trauma shut out other people completely. Why they keep them at arms-length and try not to get too close to another person. Because they know that if they allow themselves to have friends, to rely on people - they're giving people power over them, to a degree and they experienced that power being used against them.

Trusting someone to be good to you also means giving them the power to disappoint you - to fail you and hurt you. (of course, trusting in itself isn't bad. we need to rely on others. But it can be terrifying, if you had your trust betrayed before) It is a great, great leap to trust a person that has hurt you before.

Which brings me back to (2): Because Angus' view on life, on the world, on zombiehood, on his son - is pretty much the same, he never challenged his views. And the moment he doesn't get what he wants - how does he insult Blaine?

- yeah-

The mother-thing. And that time, he can use it to hurt Blaine again - something he couldn't before the well - because he had built up an actual trust between them and Blaine actually genuinely cared for him at that point - because we know he begged Angus either not to go or to wear a helmet. Back in the day, while Blaine didn't want Angus dead (so that he could torture him), he also wouldn't have been sad if he died)

In a way, in this scene in the season finale, Angus actually comes closer than ever to challenging his own world-view once he realises that Blaine fooled him with the brains in the wood-chipper thing - he is no longer saying that any random quality/lack of quality of Blaine's directly relates to his mother and instead notes the difference between them by pointing out that Blaine's mother would be disappointed in what he did. By what he is. But Angus is still going for the mother-thing. Knowing that it's one of the ways he can actually still hurt Blaine.

But what he never questions is who taught Blaine that lying, tricking, stealing etc. are legit ways of doing business - and being successful(-).

Again, he just spins on the same axis: Before, he blamed his wife for Blaine's shortcomings. Now, he credits her with his good qualities. But he doesn't really analyse his own behaviour. It's not like he contextualises his own past behaviour to a degree where he sees how he played a role in Blaine becoming the person he is. In fact, he rather seems to ignore Blaine's faults at all now - which is also an unhealthy view of a person. It's putting them on a pedestal. If you don't love someone with their flaws, you're cannot love them fully - because you will be forced to deny significant parts of their identity (because we all have flaws and Blaine is one big, walking zombie-shaped bag of flaws) OR you will be so let down once you realised that they're a human being like anyone else, that you might just not see them as the same person at all anymore. (I'm not saying you have to love someone regardless of their flaws. Some things are obviously not tolerable in another person. But everyone has bad sides, weaknesses, flaws and faults and bad habits. That's what makes them human. That's what makes them lovable. Angus on the other hand sees Blaine as the 'zombie messiah' - not as a person.)

(-) We know Angus took over his own father's company be having him institutionalised. Later he strong-handed his way into Blaine's brain-business via blackmail and ordered him to kill the son of a competitor so that he could get trade secrets from that brain AND torture the man's father. We also know that when Don E and him opened the Scratching Post, they were supposed to be equal partners - until Angus completely sidelined Don E and took over the enterprise alone. Literally the last thing he tried before Blaine tossed him into the well was offer him a partnership - while calling Blaine 'no real businessman' because he was acting on feelings rather than throwing all morals and past grievances overboard for the sake of money. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOUR SON LEARNT THAT THIS IS HOW YOU DO BUSINESS? IN FACT, WHO TAUGHT HIM THAT THIS WAS THE PRICE FOR RESPECT, I WILL CHEW DRYWALL, YOU FUCKING-

anywho.

If Angus had actually really grown and actually realised the true problem with his past actions, he'd have been forced to unwrap a l l of that - he would have had to address all the ways in which there are many things extremely fucking wrong with Blaine - - - and how these things also lead back to his own past actions. And how the pattern will continue, if they don't change anything.

But he didn't.

Because he felt he didn't have to. Because he moved on, made a big show of his own self-martyrdrom and guilt for the world to see - and actually just expected Blaine to play along. In fact, probably considered it inevitable. He put his redemption tokens in and the victim-machine spits out an 'apology accepted', because clearly, nothing more complex goes on in a victim's life and mind and emotional world. /s.

Just like before, he still doesn't see Blaine as a person in his own right - he sees him as his son, his wife's son - and, thanks to his newly discovered cult - Blaine also gets the credit of being a zombie, which makes him part of the 'chosen people' or whatever.

(In fact, I'd go so far as to say that Angus never sees anyone as a fully authentic human being. Even his cultists are just...zombies. He loves them - - - because they're zombies. He hates humans - - - because they're humans. Neither because of who these people are. And the zombie-supremacy ideology he represents also doesn't venture far off his old paths - he already used to believe that being a zombie is better than being human in season 2.)

So yeah - in the finale, in the blink of an eye, Angus reverts to old form - without even really changing his moral compass or anything, because he never challenged an of that to begin with -

Just right back where he started from. Sure, he spent his last season talking about 'charity' and 'helping the poor' - but the ideology underneath it all was just as inhumane as the old one.

In fact, in the 'Don't Hate The Player'-episode, we can see one of his pamphlets for a second and I actually screenshotted it and transcribed the entire two pages and it boils down to pretty fascist talking points, calling humans 'inferior' and 'cunning', trying to trick zombies away from the true faith, and saying that humans should be subservient etc. It's not like Angus is suddenly turning against the powerful for the sake of zombie-liberation or to help Seattle - he goes against humans. The only difference is that he's no longer interested in having money for himself.

Returning once more to the whole victim-perspective thing - and decide to read this storyline in such a way- that's the problem with these balloon apologies (all blow-up, no substance). Basically, the only reassurance Blaine got that Angus had really changed was a) Angus performances of guilt and repentance and b) Angus either directly brushing off Blaine's concerns and acting like he was being ridiculous or forcing his hand by acting like everything was normal.

This 'who smelt it dealt it' approach to making amends is also something that's incredibly messy when you're with a person who has hurt you - especially someone who had power over you and especially if you want to have a good relationship with them for whatever reason. Something that Blaine evidently wants, all brain-in-woodchipper related gaslighting aside.

He wants his father to survive and have a decent relationship with him at the end of season 4, because he always wanted to have a father who cared. In the past, he punished Angus for not being that father - by throwing him into a well and mockingly enacting family dinners with him. Something very mentally healthy not at all deeply deranged to do. Because in the past, he didn't have anything to lose - him and Angus were in a constant state of private war and oneupmanship. It's not like he had anything to lose (except his inheritance, but if Angus didn't withdraw that after Blaine turned him into a zombie, I guess blood does account for something). - - - But now he does.

He stands to lose the 1 thing he actually wanted, which is a father that gives a damn about him. If he had really wanted, Blaine could have gotten rid of Angus from day 2. He was outnumbered the first time Angus came to Romero's - but it's not like doesn't have means to expel unwanted guests. By Seattle standards, he's now an upstanding businessman, he could just call the cops on a bunch of weirdo cultists. He has a bunch of people working for him who don't have a problem kicking out Filmore Grave soldiers - they could kick out a bunch of unarmed cultists if he wanted them to. (There is actually a very interesting scene at the restaurant where Angus commands his cult to eat and chew and swallow on command in a bit of display of how much control he has over this people - and the moment he tells them to swallow, they cut over to Blaine and he literally swallows at the same time. Which I think is a neat and small thing, direction-wise. But I'm getting off topic.)

But basically, despite Angus hitting the reset-button on his relationship to Blaine, the fact remains that neither of them did any actual work on anything. The only thing keeping them going was that neither of them rocked the boat too much.

Not just Blaine, but even Angus does this -

We know that, brain-welled or not, Angus as Brother Love isn't stupid. The scene literally opens with Angus subtly questioning Blaine's and Stacey's story about God wanting them to raid a prison transport bus but the moment Blaine subtly pushes the 'I thought I'd fail you...' button, Angus goes along and entertains this charade even though he clearly has his doubts.

So basically, their relationship relies on no one rocking the boat openly. It's not like Angus ever actually changed his method of solving conflicts or even had any epiphany about what made him such an 'ogre' in the past - for example, he still is fine with violence. Even violence that would affect (human) children. The reason he condemns mistreating Blaine in the past is because now:

Blaine = the voice of god from his well-hell, his special zombie messiah boy.

Blaine, who hasn't had the big well-reset (yet), still schemes behind Angus' back, because that's what he does and that's how he he operates, but in the end, we see that he genuinely didn't want his father to get hurt and die - he just did what he always does and pulled the people around him into his cons.

It'd actually be easy to blame Blaine for everything going wrong but really, any relationship as toxic as theirs would eventually have come to some sort of clash - and if their entire 'reconciliation' just relies on the victim of the past abuse keeping his mouth shut while the abuser performs their apology to the world, then it was always going to come to a blow. And because Angus' views on other people and people he doesn't respect are still essentially the same, he was always gonna fall back into the same pattern, regarding Blaine.

But this time, Blaine actually cared. We know that as a kid, he wanted his father to 'drop dead' - that's why he threw those coins into the well. He hated Angus and Angus hated him - that's said on several occasions. But now, they actually had positive interactions - something Blaine actually stood to lose.

The thing is, this is not a guide to...how these two actually could have/should have/might have fixed their relationship. Or trying to find a point where anything went wrong. It's a interpretation. An approach to reading this storyline that I personally find engaging and interesting, because it circumvents the problem of 'they can't reconcile a victim of child abuse with their abuser!' by turning it into: 'A toxic apology can actually be a new form of victimisation or set up new victimisation' + "'the 'Bad Person' makes amends and then the victim decides if they accept it!' is theoretically and morally fair and healthy, but it's just a tiny aspect. We also need to acknowledge the vulnerable position it puts victims in and that apologies and displays of normalcy doesn't actually make pain or trauma go away magically - but that it might actually gloss over an unresolved conflict.

.uh. yeah, so....

[wintervvidow]

apricity

part one.

apricity - the warmth of the sun in winter

warnings: angst, blood mention, violence

pairing: bucky barnes x female oc

word count: 2,364

A/N: hi! welcome to part one of apricity! set in mid-captain america: the winter soldier. this idea has been in my head for a very long time and I am super excited to finally get it out. in this story I use the term “winter widow” , similar to the “winter soldier”, it has no correlation to bucky and natasha here. prolonged italics indicate a flashback.  friendly feedback is appreciated! thank you! <3

ALSO: please know that future parts will take a WHILE. I just want to get the first part out to get the ball rolling.

MASTERLIST 

The silence is what breaks her. She swears she would have been fine if it weren't for the silence, the screams of innocent bystanders no longer existed, the smell of gunpowder burning her nose and stinging her eyes. Aside from the erratic breaths coming from both their lips, you could hear a pin drop as their eyes stared at each other in a blinding intensity as Steve Rogers called out to him, “Bucky?”

The gun feels entirely too heavy in her hands as her lungs expand rapidly, eyes unmoving from the ghost of a man in front of her. Except he isn't a ghost anymore. He's here, alive. James Buchanan Barnes, her Bucky, alive.

He’s clad in all-black tactical gear, metal arm glinting blindingly in the sun. His eyes are a stormy shade of blue, same as the ones that haunt her in her nightmares, not the kind blue she wishes she could have back. The Winter Soldier is the shell of the man she was in love with, the man in front of her was the man she learned to love all the same. He protected her even when he didn’t remember her, even the brainwashing couldn’t fully get rid of the love they both had for one another. Although HYDRA fought like hell to make them both forget. It never worked though, fragments of memory always littered their conscience. 

His brows furrow, overgrown hair in his eyes, “Who the hell is Bucky?”

Deep down in her bones, she knew he was alive. The last time she saw him he was being wiped by HYDRA, his screams masking her disappearance into the winter weather. HYDRA searched high and low for her, yet they forgot that they were the ones to train her. HYDRA perfected her, taught her how to disappear into thin air, and that's just what she did. They went as far as to send the Winter Soldier to find her, but even he couldn’t track her. Florence was a ghost. 

Florence Morozov was many things before she was an assassin; she was an immigrant daughter, a friend, a nurse, and her greatest title of all, the love of Bucky Barnes' life, his fiancée. The couple, along with the third wheel Steve, were inseparable in their younger days before the second war. Where there was one, the other two were usually not far behind. 

The trio had gone to the Stark Expo the night before Bucky got shipped off to the war. That night Bucky had proposed with a small emerald ring, promising her that when he got back they'd get married, move into a little white picket fence house, and settle down. They dreamed of growing old together surrounded by their kids and grandchildren. Only that dream had been crushed under the heel of HYDRA, not long after Florence enlisted as a nurse and Steve became Captain America, notably leading the Howling Commandos. Florence worked closely along with them, acting as a medic when needed. 

When Steve woke up from his 70-year slumber on ice, Florence had a lot of explaining to do. How she was alive, what she had been doing, where she had been. She told Steve what he needed to know, leaving Bucky out of the answers. She had to protect him, even if it meant lying to their shared best friend. She would do anything to protect Bucky. 

Florence explained to Steve that when she fell off the train with Bucky, she had been captured by HYDRA and experimented on. She was sent to the Red Room to be trained and then sent back to HYDRA in the ‘50s. She was their puppet for 46 years, coined the name the Winter Widow before she disappeared in late December of 1991. Florence was on the run for 17 years before she was taken in by Clint Barton, joining S.H.I.E.L.D along with Natasha Romanoff. 

Natasha and Florence grew to be very close over the years, the trauma they both shared bonded them. Natasha was the only one to know the full story of Bucky, every nitty-gritty detail that haunted Florence in her dreams. When Nick Fury had been killed, both Florence and Natasha immediately recognized the ballistics information, a silent agreement between the two redheads to only tell Steve what he needed to know, no more than that. Florence only told Steve that she knew the Winter Soldier, nothing more. Natasha understood her secrets, she had them herself, her response of, "That's not my story to tell, we all have secrets for a reason."

Florence quickly tracked everything up to this moment. Fury being attacked, Steve's description of the shooter, the Winter Soldier attacking them on the highway only minutes ago. And then there was the chase between the soldier and Florence, trying to divert him. And it worked, Florence had managed to distract him until he got too close, the pair of lovers engaging in hand-to-hand combat until Steve intervened.

And now here she was standing in the middle of the street with a bullet in her shoulder from none other than the Winter Soldier. Flashes of the mission in Odessa running through her mind, he had shot her in the thigh then, Natasha in the abdomen. Steve stood in shock as the ghost disappeared, leaving Steve, Natasha, Sam, and Florence to be surrounded by HYDRA agents and arrested. 

Blood trickled down Florence’s shoulder as she was seated between Sam and Natasha in the back of the truck. Her shoulder felt white-hot as she grits her teeth, Sam nervously glancing at her every second. Steve sat across from them, visibly upset, lifting his head to glare at Florence, eyes cold, "You said you knew the Winter Soldier, that you two had a history, not that it was Bucky!" Steve felt betrayed, his oldest friend lying to his face for years about his best friend.  

Sam angrily glared at Steve as Florence rasped her response with a shaky breath, "Steve, I'm kind of bleeding out right now. This is going to have to wait, just know I had my reasons. I did it to protect him. And you." 

Florence knew this day would come. Bucky wouldn’t be a ghost forever. She fought herself internally every night, dreaming of him. It was always him; the good and bad, the Red Room, what happened after the Red Room, their mission in Romania, and every second in between. She was permanently trapped in her own personal hell.

Steve continued on, “It was him. He looked right at me and he didn’t even know me.”

Florence knew the feeling. Every time Bucky was reprogrammed, she had to convince him to loosen his grip around her throat, begging him to recognize her before he killed her. And every time he did, his eyes flashing in recognition and guilt. And then he would hold her shivering body against his in the confines of their shared cell, murmuring in her ear that he was sorry. And she knew he meant it. Even if his mind barely recognized her, his heart always did.

Sam questioned Steve loudly, causing Florence to flinch as she fell back down to reality, “How is that even possible, that was 70 years ago.” Florence felt bad for Sam, he just jumped headfirst into a dark world with more questions than answers. 

“Zola. Bucky’s whole unit was captured in ‘43. Zola experimented on him. Whatever he did helped Bucky survive the fall. Florence, how are you even alive? Zola didn’t get to you before the fall?” Steve just asked the golden question.

Florence took a deep breath in, “I don’t know. There are gaps in time, I don’t remember much from it. They all said that the fall should have killed me but it didn’t. Then I became a lab rat. The end.”

Steve looked her directly in the eye for the first time the entire day, “They must have found him and…”

Natasha interrupted him, she knew where this conversation could lead, “None of that’s your fault, Steve.”

Florence shifted slightly, sharing a look with Natasha, silently thanking her for diverting the conversation. 

Sam shifted beside her as another wave of blood oozed out from her shoulder, he turned to the guards, "We need to get a doctor here. If we don't put pressure on that wound, she's gonna bleed out here in the truck." Florence appreciated Sam’s protective and caring nature as Steve continued glaring daggers her way. Florence knew Steve wouldn’t understand her reasoning, too set in his ways of complete honesty all of the time. He didn’t understand what it meant to lie to keep those you loved safe.

The nearest guard flinched forward, flashing the taser at Sam before turning the taser on the second guard and kicking him unconscious. The guard pulled the helmet off of themselves, revealing Maria Hill, “God, that thing was squeezing my brain.” She motioned at Sam, “Who is this guy?” Everyone shared a collective sigh of relief at the sight of Maria. 

After ditching the car, the team arrived at an undisclosed location. The doors of the truck opened, allowing sunlight to flood in. Steve helped Florence down from the truck, supporting her weight with ease. Blood continued to trickle from her shoulder as she leaned against him for support as Steve spoke while he half carried her forward into the building, “I’m not mad. I get why you didn’t tell me.”

Florence laughed slightly, her body weak, “Are you just saying that because I got shot and I’m currently bleeding out all over you?”

Steve scoffed, his body vibrating with the action, arm tightening around her, “No, Flo.”

Behind her and Steve, Sam called out for a doctor. People ran towards them from the opposite end of the hall, Maria Hill speaking over the sound of footsteps thundering down the hall, "Natasha, there's something you're going to wanna see. Steve, get Florence patched up."

The group broke apart for a short period of time, Natasha reappearing with a hopeful expression on her face as Florence grimaced in pain next to the doctor stitching her up, "Fury is alive."

All eyes remained on Natasha as she explained how Fury was alive, a medication Bruce Banner had come up with did the trick to fake his death. Florence looked to Sam as he digested this information, he didn’t know what he got himself into. She could feel Steve's eyes boring into her head, but she didn't dare look. Her mind was a constant loop of Bucky. 

Flashback: 

His calloused hand led her through the crowd of people, Steve trailing far behind. The trio had just gotten finished dancing and now they were wandering aimlessly through the busy streets of Queens. The air was brisk as it blew through Florence’s auburn hair, her dress fluttering around her calves. Bucky stopped in front of a movie theater, the lights casting a warm glow over his face as he turned to face the girl. Her cheeks were blushed pink from the chill of the air and a smile had been permanently etched on her face all night.

 The news that Bucky was being shipped off in the morning loomed over them like a rain cloud but Bucky was determined to keep her smiling; at least until the morning. His hand abandoned hers, reaching down to fish in his pocket. He found what he was looking for quickly, the velvet box small in his hand. Florence gasped at soon as the box came into the light, tears welling up in her eyes. She knew what this was, she accidentally stumbled upon it when she was putting away clothes last week. A small emerald ring.

Bucky knelt down on one knee, flipping the box open, “Flo, you’ve been by my side through everything. You’re my best girl, always there keeping me in line. I love you more than words can say. I know I leave tomorrow and I should have done this years ago, but will you make me that luckiest man on earth and marry me?”

Florence flew into Bucky’s arms in a flurry of kisses and agreements, Bucky lifting her up and twirling her. He gently set her back on the ground, slipping the ring on her finger as she giggled. Bucky met her eyes, tears glimmering in them, “I promise you, when I get back you and I will get married, we’ll buy a house and we’ll make it a happy home; kids, dogs, a garden, all of it. I promise you.” By the end of Bucky’s promise, both he and Florence were crying in each other’s arms, each one clutching the other tightly, both hyper-aware that the future wasn’t promised. 

Steve stumbled his way through the large crowd, catching sight of his two best friends hugging each other. He didn’t have the heart to break them up at the moment, so he watched on with a smile. It would all be okay.

Bucky sat in the test chair underneath the bank piecing the remnants of his memories together. He knew them. The man knew his name, or at least what he thought was his name. And he knew the girl he shot, memories of her smiling flickered through his mind. Yet they were complete strangers, their faces foreign yet home all at the same time. 

Alexander Pierce was terrified of this day, whether he wanted to admit it or not. He knew of the attachment Bucky had to the Winter Widow, ever since she disappeared in ‘91, the soldier was harder to control, more agitated and violent. He screamed her name in his sleep and when they wiped him he was always mumbling about her when he became coherent. They tried to program it out of him, and when that didn’t work, they tried to beat it out of him, hoping she would vanish from his memories the way his blood washed down the drain. Nothing ever worked. The Winter Soldier was irrevocably in love with Florence Morozov and Alexander was going to use that against him.

The Winter Soldier’s mission was to kill Steve Rogers and Florence Morozov.

FEEDBACK IS WELCOMED. IF YOU ENJOYED, PLEASE REBLOG.

[thecloudstan]

Yeah, I thought the entire time that it was AC Sephiroth in remake but that he was just using clones the entire time and not showing up physically until he literally rips through time itself. By the way, what did you think of the ending as a whole? And how they handled Aerith’s death? In my opinion there wasn’t any emotional impact for her death because the second she dies you just go into boss battle after boss battle and the time shenanigans happen, and you have no time to breathe and absorb it. The ending itself I found confusing, but I can’t say I completely hated it. I think all the time stuff is interesting and it makes me more invested in the third part because- presumably- that’s when all the questions get answered. Maybe that’s just because I never played the original though and wasn’t even a fan of FF7 until remake came out.

This is a very intriguing question, and as someone who has been playing this game since its 1997 release, I can only answer based on my experience. None of this is meant to sound unapproachable or anything...I just have an embarrassing amount of knowledge and attachment to this game and its characters...so...

I found how they handled Aerith's death to still be deeply stressful, emotional, and impactful. By that point, my husband and I had nearly convinced ourselves that they wouldn't go through with it. We expected her rescue, some sort of immediate fallout that would tie Zack in, and that the third game would be a sort of "World of Ruin" wherein the events have to be fixed and set right in order to stop Sephiroth. While Cloud DOES act, it doesn't result in her rescue in the way we anticipated. I'm actually really happy about this! Theorizing is fun, but I don't WANT to be right about everything. I'd like to be surprised.

In the original, Aerith dies, there's a VERY brief conversation between Sephiroth and Cloud, and you're immediately launched into a fight with Jenova. PROBABLY still crying your eyes out, because Aerith's theme is playing all the while, and just the juxtaposition of those two things was incredible. The party had just lost her and they're fighting for their lives. You, the player, have just lost her and now you're fighting, too. You don't have a choice. You don't get to rest. There is no respite.

Every step through the Forgotten City in Rebirth was nail biting, and her loss was still a tear jerker for me because the devs had thrown me enough off kilter that I kinda had no idea what to expect and had come to doubt my own predictions. Furthermore, it really did pull up a lot of latent emotion tied to this loss. It will always be deeply emotional for me with this game. In ways, I'm not even a good person to ask because I've been so intensely in love with them all for the past...27 years? I imagine the anticipation alone is giving old fans something to chew on that perhaps newer fans just can't relate to. I don't want to paint with too wide a brush. Everyone is different and I just have no other perspective than my own (admittedly very specific) experience.

I have no notes on the ending. I guess I'm actually really happy with it because a lot happened that I didn't expect and couldn't have predicted. I didn't approach it as something that needed to impress or regale me, rather I was curious what they would do and how I could immediately leap to interpret it. It was the same with the Remake ending. Everyone hated it and didn't understand it, but when the dust settled it became something to pick apart and theorize on. They gained my trust with Remake, so Rebirth to me is just a "sit back and enjoy" sort of experience. I also know what's happening because of my knowledge of the original. I know what's happening to Cloud, I understand Reunion, I know how some of these things come to their resolution in the third game (which is basically only the half way point of the original game). Of course, I'm sure they'll change it up because they've VERY MUCH been telling the same story by slightly different mechanisms, but I see the setups already in place in Rebirth.

[liibrii]

fem!Miya!reader x Ginjima Hitoshi & Akagi Michinari || part of the Third Miya series

Synopsis: It’s just a courage test. Just a nightly walk through a labyrinth of statues. Even the moon refuses to peek out from behind to clouds to witness your stupidity. Oh, did I mention there've been ghosts sighting here? There've been ghost sightings here.

Warnings: cursing, some spooky atmosphere, spooky things happen, some prime examples of sibling love

wc: 2.3k

a/n: should I post this chapter after the one establishing Reader's friendship with the team? Yeah, probably. also what I could do is write a little author's note that Reader is a friend with all the boys on the team and move on from there, ya know? 

In case you missed previous chapters, Twins call their sister San, while others simply refer to her as Miya. (I'm experimenting and trying to use y/n as little as possible. lemme know if you like it). 

if you wanna be tagged in future chapters lemme know and as always feedback is greatly appreciated! 

Nothing scared you.

Well, except Mr-No-Gaps Kita Shinsuke but you're pretty sure there isn't a being on this planet that wouldn't be afraid of him so that disqualifies him from this particular competition; or mom that one time she discovered nobody had taken the trash out even though she said to do it several times. And the dark sometimes. And ghosts! Ghosts are spooky. You can't punch a ghost

But other than that nothing scared you.

This nightly walk though is making you reconsider the statement. Maybe the time has come for you to put 'dark' and 'weird noises whose origin you can't see' to the top of the list. Shivers run up your spine and you step faster, closer to Ginjima beside you. He gives you a questioning glance but luckily doesn't say anything. You hope he won't mention it later either. The only thing worse than your brothers finding out what a scaredy cat you're being right now is... Well, nothing would be worse than that.

The Gallery Tangle is what this place is called and you find the name strangely fitting. Stone statues, some crumbling and all overgrown with moss, stand lined by the path going in twists and turns. No matter where you turn cold unseeing eyes watch you. If you were the one choosing the name for this place it would be something along the lines of 'that corner nobody in their right mind would ever go close too'. Some people believe it used to be a cemetery but really it's just a meadow where someone left an unwanted statue once, and then another, and before you knew crowds of curious tourists and stupid teenagers visited the place all the time. Even the moon refuses to peek out from behind to clouds to witness your stupidity. Oh, did I mention there've been ghosts sighting here? There've been ghost sightings here.

So naturally it's the perfect place for a courage test. The only one at fault for this entire situation is Osamu for daring Akagi and Ginjima to go visit the site, and you for falling for his trap when he turned to you and, with that annoyingly sweet voice pretending he's a caring older brother who's just looking out for his little sister, said: “Thank the heaven yer too much of a baby to go out of the house after sunset.“

Yeah well, maybe you are and he knows it, and he also knows the easiest way to get you to do something is to tell you you don't have the guts. It's all a well tested trap you keep falling into. Walking amongst countless silent statues you want to ponder how the mice traps are always so obvious and yet the mice keep falling for them like dummies, but that would be a silly thought to have in the middle of the night and taking your current circumstances into consideration also incredibly hypocritical.

Nothing much scared you, except for Kita Shinsuke, but if you were given a chance to get help from one person right now you'd chose him. As much as the mere thought of him makes you straighten up and check if your clothes are on point you're sure ghosts and demons and other creatures of the night would rethink once or twice before coming closer to bother you. Not to be rude but he'd probably be a better ghost repellent than trembling Ginjima beside you who at the moment is being more of a ghost attractor. Can ghosts sense fear? Apparently even horses can smell fear so why would ghosts be any different? Maybe better for that question to go unanswered.

“Are ya sure we're goin' in the right direction?“ asks Gin.

“Maybe.“

“Akagi-san ya do know that's not the answer we wanna hear right now, right?“

“I'm yer senpai so I can't lie to ya,“ answers Akagi and you wish he wasn't your senpai so you could give him the well deserved kick in the shin. As Osamu would put it, getting a straight answer out of him was sometimes harder than eating udon noodles with only one chopstick. Your smart-ass replied with 'Just drink them', which was a funny response at the time, a justifiable enough reason for Osamu to slap your head, but in the end this solution didn't really apply to the libero. “We're takin' a little detour to avoid inhabitants of this place,“ Akagi says and if you didn't know him better you'd think his words were meant to reassure you.

“Ya mean the statues? I don't think they really mind us trespassin'.“

“Ah no, not the statues.“ He turns and points his torch up to light up his face. “I meant ghosts.“

“Ha ha, very funny,“ you say pretending a shiver didn't just run up your spine. Your hold on your own torch tightens.

“Skepticism doesn't suit ya Miya. There's a ghost of a little boy hidin' round here. Ever since his old house was demolished he walks around lookin' for his parents.“

“Sure he does,“ you answer and quickly change the topic because if Akagi doesn't stop you're sure Gin will climb in your arms and the question if you're strong enough to carry him is another one you don't want to know the answer to. “Where did Samu say he left the scarf?“

When Ginjima answers his voice is strangely high pitched: “By the statue of an old lady with a cat.“

Akagi nods. “We should split up so-“

“No!“ you and Ginjima half yell.

“We could get lost,“ you add, feeling heat rise on your cheeks.

“Exactly,“ Ginjima agrees, “look how many statues there are! It's a labyrinth 'round here!“

Akagi gives in without much convincing with a gleam in his eyes you really don't like because it looks suspiciously similar to the gleam Atsumu has before blackmailing you with one of too many embarrassing things he knows. “Right, right, last time I was here the cat lady was on the other end.“

“Was?“ Ginjima follows close behind and you're just glad to have you back covered.

“Statues move sometimes. Usually when no one is lookin'.“

“Funny,“ is all you say.

Still, as you continue the expedition you don't let your gaze wander around. It's not like you could see anything anyway. It's too dark! At least that's what you keep telling yourself. Anything could hide out there.

You shudder. Why did you think it was a good idea to leave without taking a hoodie? As if summer nights aren't chilly. Or maybe you just walked past a cold spot where ghosts linger. Now that sounds like something Akagi would tell you.

You're acutely aware of how close Ginjima is walking and you're glad he is. His shoulder bumping into yours every now and then and the sound of his steps are the last things keeping you from letting your imagination run free.

That's the thing about imagination. It makes the pile of unfolded clothes look like a child crawling out of the floor. It makes sitting stone statues seem to blink and turn their heads when you pass by.

When you nervously glance over at Ginjima you notice he's clenching his jaw so hard you start fearing for his teeth. He puts you at ease. As much as that is possible while walking in the dead of night around seemingly endless line of statues. If he was as carefree as Akagi you would, all your foolish pride be damned, most likely burst into tears right then and there.

The nearby bushes rustle and maybe it's just the wind, or a cat on a nightly adventure, or maybe it's something entirely different, but whatever it is lures you into making the mistake of looking over at the statues, where you catch a pale face with unblinking eyes behind long, black hair staring back at you. You scream. Jump, trip over a stone and end in Ginjima's arms, your ears ringing from the high pitched shriek you presume is his.

Akagi jumps too and points his torch around to see what made both of you finally lose the brave facade. He searches around the statues but there's nothing to be found. “It's gone now.“

“Ya sure?“

“What was it?“

“A white face and... black hair.“

“So, a ghost?“ asks Akagi and you nod, holding tightly on Gin as if your life depended on it. A sly smile spreads across Akagi's face. “See, I told ya there's ghosts.“

“Not helpin' ,“ says Gin as Akagi's words make you shudder.

Only then does it hit you Ginjima is holding you bridal style and you swiftly climb back down, still shaken and now completely embarrassed as well. You don't even dare think how much bribing will take to convince Akagi to keep his mouth shut about this. Oh, if your brothers find out they will never let you live it down.

“Maybe we should go home,“ suggests Ginjima still holding you up because your knees turned to pudding.

“Like hell we are,“ you sneer, the blood rush turning fear into burning determination. If this is what it takes to shut Samu's annoying shit mouth, then so be it. “Cat lady, right? I bet she's this way.“ You pick up your torch light and head into the wrong direction.

“Miya, we have to go right,“ Akagi calls after you.

“I am goin' right!“

“The other right.“

You turn on your heels and head into the 'other right' direction. You think you hear Akagi snicker. Step by step your sudden burst of determination and fearlessness drains but like hell are you going to show it. It's just ghosts and spooky demons and maybe some cursed children, what are they going to do? Scare you? Joke's on them, you're already scared! And cold, and embarrassed, and you just want to find that damn scarf already and go home.

It waits neatly wrapped around the cat's neck. It's eyes have an almost mocking look. As if the stone is judging you for taking on this courage test in the first place. Well, you think, it ain't wrong.

“There, now we can go,“ you proclaim when your trembling fingers finally manage to unknot the silky fabric, and as if some cruel fate or inhabitants of this eerie place watched you only a few statues away something rustles.

All three of you freeze and listen. In the distance you can hear cars driving by. A late night train stops by the station.

“What was that?“ asks Gin.

You stuff the scarf into your pocket. “Doesn't matter, we got what we-“

“Let's go check it out!“

“O hell no,“ is the first thing that leaves your mouth but for some reason Akagi thinks it's a sunny Sunday afternoon and the perfect time for a stroll.

“Let's go,“ Gin nudges you to get you to follow Akagi but you don't budge.

“No.“

“He's our senpai Miya, we can't just let him wander off.“ He lowers his voice. “He might get in trouble.“

“Let him. I've had enough of this place,“ you say and head into the opposite direction. Ginjima hesitates, casts a few lost glances between you and Akagi before he decides the prospect of something happening to you would get him into much bigger trouble. “Are ya okay?“ he asks when he catches up.

You give a stiff nod. All you want is to get away from this place.

It doesn't take long for Akagi to come running back. “It was nothin',“ he says, out of breath and smiling as always but if you'd pay more attention you'd notice he's a bit paler.

And you are about to find out why.

A white figure appears from behind one of the statues, howling and shrieking, or maybe that's Akagi and Ginjima. Your heart stops for a mere moment before jumping into overdrive. You grip your torch, step back with one leg to gain momentum, and chuck your only source of light into what you guess is ghosts head.

“Aargh!“ shrieks the ghost before it starts screaming its lungs out at you, “Are ya stupid?! Ya could've hurt me ya shithead!“ It pulls the sheet off to reveal a very irritated Atsumu rubbing his forehead where the torchlight hit him. “OW!“ he shrieks again when you kick his shin. You'd probably kick him again for good measure if another figure, this one clad in black and with an oni mask, didn't jump from behind the statues and scare you into leaping in the air. The figure laughs and avoids the kick aimed at it's knee. “Samu!“ you shriek. “This isn't funny!“

“It is a little,“ says Akagi and to his luck he's your senpai and standing out of your reach. At least Ginjima doesn't look amused by your utter embarrassment.

In an effort to regain some of your pride you pull out the scarf and chuck it into Osamu's face. “Here, yer kitchen cloth.“

“San don't speak about mom's clothes like that,“ teases Atsumu who at the stare you send him immediately takes a careful step back.

Osamu pinches your cheeks and not even a death glare stops his teasing: “Maybe ya ain't such a baby after all. But ya do scream like one.“

“Absolutely hilarious,“ you deadpan. “Who was the white faced lady? Suna?“

“What white face?“

“Don't play with me ya shit pig. The one that almost gave Gin a heart attack!“

“Ya screamed louder than me-“

“That wasn't us,“ your brothers shake their head. You don't believe them because, why would you?

Akagi bursts into laughter. “Maybe ya saw a real ghost after all!“

A... a real... ghost. The rest of you exchange uncomfortable glances.

Gin is the first to speak. “It's gettin' a little chilly. Maybe we should,“ he gestures towards the path, and you nod, enthusiastically.

“It is gettin' late. We'll hear it if we come home past curfew,“ says Osamu.

Walking away you don't want to look back but something compels you to throw a quick glance over your shoulder. Wide unblinking eyes stare as you leave, face ghostly white and almost glowing in the dead of night.

Or maybe it's just your imagination.

tag list: @espressons @trashy-simp @nachotrash @megumiisee @foxxtrot-116​

in case you’re curious, Gallery tangle is based on a real life Statue village in Japan.

[mostly-mundane-atla]

Well I got at least two people interested (@esmeralda-anistasia and @deathsmallcaps) so why not.

Quick disclaimer: I understand that some fans can be very sensitive to this topic and take general criticisms as personal attacks and jump to the defensive. Please don't justify your ships to me if you have that reaction to anything said in this post. It's not my business and if I'm honest I really don't care. Your experiences are not mine and will not change mine and nothing I'm about to say is meant to be read as an insult.

Okay onto the rarepairs in question!

I was ten years old when the episode Zuko Alone first aired and Ursa fascinated me. She was so elegant and sweet, and yet the implication was that she was also capable of assassination. Her disappearence and the fact everyone involved kept pretty hush-hush about her gave her character an air of mystery and Zuko's memories involving her made him a great deal more interesting and sympathetic (i still rolled my eyes every time he showed up and thought he didn't deserve all the cute moments with Mai until The Day of Black Sun, and even then still thought Jet was cooler in every way, but you can't please them all). She had quickly become a favorite character and I've held onto that adoration for about 15 years now.

I also really wanted her to kiss Hakoda.

They had compatible personalities and deserved some luck in love after all the heartbreak and trials, and they both loved their children despite having to leave. Ursa was never treated as dead, just gone. She could have been anywhere and there was nothing to say she couldn't have crossed paths with Hakoda and his men.

There was also something about it I didn't quite have the words or media exposure to explain. Often, in fandom or canon, if a relationship is biracial, the partner who is fairer-skinned and/or of the dominant or invading culture, who the audience sees themselves in, is the man and the one who is darker-skinned and/or marginalized or colonized is the woman (heteronormativity got a head start on this one). There's a lot of ugly "taming the savage" rhetoric in this, usually paired with blatant misogyny that's supposed to be in the woman's favor (like suggesting that a woman could only be complicit in this culture because it was what she was told and didn't know any better). The woman's family and friends who oppose this are depicted as unfairly prejudiced against this strange man as if their distaste for people who can be or have been responsible for things like genocide or subjugation is the same as the other side seeing these people as deserving of genocide or subjugation for the crime of not being like them. Sometimes it's the other way around, where the partner seen as "more civilized" is the woman and the one seen as "less civilized" is the man, in which case the woman is often abducted or otherwise the man's defining feature is his brutishness. This supposed brutishness is both intimidating and attractive to the oh so delicate if a bit repressed captive/wife (as well as the audience) and can manifest as being fiercely protective of her, which is how he shows his affection if there is a language barrier between them. And if you grow up Native, this is easy to pick up on and often in the back of your mind, because at least 90% of your media representation likely has some aspect mentioned above.

(Man that was a lot of academic style analysis)

But the dynamic between Hakoda and Ursa wouldn't leave room for any of that. Hakoda, as an absent parent backstory, is defined by having to leave despite how much he loved and would miss his children. Ursa, as an absent parent backstory, is defined by the crime she was willing to commit for her children (for Zuko specifically, but how long would it actually take for Azula to shoot her mouth off at the wrong place and time and also be targeted by Azulon?). Ursa was the one whose willingness to kill sent her fleeing into the night. The culture of her nation betrayed her and made her choose between her own safety and that of at least one of her children. Hakoda is charismatic and a good leader, but he is also soft spoken and understanding, and above all else, gentle. He isn't here to hurt innocents. He's here to see to it that the next generation of his people will not fear invaders or raids or even know that snow can be black from soot. And he's someone Ursa can finally feel safe around and confide in, and she could be the same for him. Someone he doesn't have to be the leader for, to whom he can admit that he just wants to be home and let the tears fall.

I'm honest enough to admit that one of the reasons I liked The Search was that Ikem wore his hair a lot like Hakoda did and that was close enough to it being canon for me.

Another one is Jin/Smellerbee. Something about their personalities strikes me as being so wonderfully harmonious and I like to imagine Jin, smooth-talking and streetwise but still the most genuine person, being the one to sit Smellerbee, who never really got a chance to think about these things, down and explain that anything she might be is okay. That it's okay to not be in love with a guy friend who gave her a purpose and loyal companionship. That it's okay to like girls. That she can have more than one partner. That it's okay to be different from what's considered normal and proper and not have an easy word to describe it. And eventually she'd realize it's true. And eventually she'd realize that she wasn't teasing when she called her beautiful in a wild sort of way.

I also like to think that Smellerbee clearly has more specialized fighting skills and is very good at what she does but Jin is strong enough to bench press her no problem. And Smellerbee acts all tough (because she is) but blushes whenever Jin calls her cute or pretty because she's not used to it.

Sometimes Longshot is involved too. Not as a third wheel or the exact same kind of partner, more like a ghibli style relationship with Smellerbee. Like is it a gentle romance? Is it an intimate friendship? It's love and they know that and don't have to define it by others' perception. And Jin gives Longshot kisses so he doesn't feel left out, which gets him a bit bashful because she really could have anyone, she already has Smellerbee of all people, and she still finds him deserving of a peck on the cheek. They probably all bunk together.

This actually started from a fic I wrote but don't intend on posting more than snippets of. Basically, i was tired of a lot of fanfic tropes, especially those having to do with friends to lovers and soulmates (this world is not kind to aromantics and the last thing I wanted in my escapism was romance being established as a level up for relationships), so I wrote something to actively subvert all of them. Jet and Smellerbee were each convinced they owed the other a romantic relationship after all they'd been through together, even though neither actually wanted it, because that's how all the stories go. So after he dies, she remembers all those times that would have been romantic if either was actually interested, but were instead just uncomfortable because it was entirely social convention and no feeling. But then she comes across Jin, who she's never met before, but who takes her in her arms and reassures her and sympathizes with her, and in this tiny apartment in this seedy side of town, she feels safe. She seeks permission for every touch and kiss and tells her this encounter doesn't have to be anything she isn't comfortable with. And when Smellerbee has to leave, Jin insists she take a candle to light her way, and winks when she says she can return it the day after. She gives her an excuse to visit again. And Smellerbee blushes and accepts it.

And then there's Teo/Haru and Teo/Ty Lee. No special reason I just think both would make a cute couple and want Teo to be happy. He's a good boy, more people should love him. Let him impress people with wheelchair tricks and get smooched.