#but i’ve been thinking about it much more and i need more people to see it so here you go

[transgender-mothman]

If you read my response, you’ll see I have played and run other systems. I have a large collection of ttrpgs, and have played quite a few. Many of them are small or indie, and I also have friends who are indie game designers (shout out to @strangeharpy !). I think my actual second longest campaign was a powered by the apocalypse one, and I have designed a d6 magical girl game system from scratch because I couldn’t find what I wanted in a pre-existing system. And it worked great and was very fun, if difficult, to do! I am a staunch supporter of indie games.

Now. That said. My current group does double back to 5e. That is very true. I’ve been playing 5e off and on for a long time, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say we are necessarily constantly “supporting a monopoly” in that … we already own the books, either physically or digital copies, and there’s no buying of every single thing wotc releases. We don’t use d&d beyond. We don’t run modules or whatever it is that wotc calls the prefab campaigns these days. I haven’t bought a new 5e book in YEARS, because there’s no need to and tbh I don’t care to give WotC more money particularly with the direction they’ve been going. My group play very home brew, very tweaked, very RP heavy games using the 5e system as a base, and it works for us. And that’s our prerogative and that’s totally fine to do! My initial statement stands—- play whatever, however, and with whoever is best for the experience YOU want to have.

As for why we go back to 5e, just because there are things we drop or leave out, doesn’t mean there aren’t aspects of it we love. The races, classes, feats, spells, and combat system work for us and you can really have such a different experience from campaign to campaign by mixing up what you play and how, and there are tons of (free) resources by players for players online to assist or add to your game. There’s a ton of actual play content, which is accessible and fun to engage with, that gets newbies a solid idea on how a ttrpg flows or works, and this is such a help for people who are apprehensive about starting. And for older players who have started with previous editions, there’s at least some commonality between versions (I started playing 3.5 myself). Not everyone who plays or continues to play 5e is actively harming the indie community by using resources they already have or games they are comfortable/familiar with.

I very much believe everyone should try other games if they’re able. There’s such a wealth of cool, unique games out by smaller companies and indie developers. But I do understand why 5e has a lot of pull to it— yes, it’s THE mainstream system, which unfortunately comes with all the other trappings of capitalism. But the game isn’t bad in and of itself and I don’t believe playing it, any way you want to, is a moral or ethical failing.

5e is a gateway game now more than ever. I am a very nerdy horror film guy, but I didn’t start with indie arthouse movies… like most people, I started with major Hollywood franchises, because of mass accessibility. Everyone starts somewhere! And not everyone will branch out from mainstream d&d to games that are more off the beaten track, same as not all horror fans will go from the Saw franchise to weird experimental horror that no one outside of Letterboxd has ever heard of. But you know what? Some will. And that’s great.

I think an important part of the "D&D is easy to learn" argument is that a lot of those people don't actually know how to play D&D. They know they need to roll a d20 and add some numbers and sometimes they need to roll another type of die for damage. A part of it is the culture of basically fucking around and letting the GM sort it out. Players don't actually feel the need to learn the rules.

Now I don't think the above actually counts as knowing the rules. D&D is a relatively crunchy game that actually rewards system mastery and actually learning how to play D&D well, as in to make mechanically informed tactical decisions and utilizing the mechanics to your advantage, is actually a skill that needs to be learned and cultivated. None of that is to say that you need to be a perfectly tuned CharOp machine to know how to play D&D. But to actually start to make the sorts of decisions D&D as a game rewards you kind of need to know the rules.

And like, a lot of people don't seem to know the rules. They know how to play D&D in the most abstract sense of knowing that they need to say things and sometimes the person scowling at them from behind the screen will ask them to roll a die. But that's hardly engaging with the mechanics of the game, like the actual game part.

And to paraphrase @prokopetz this also contributes to the impression that other games are hard to learn: because a lot of other games don't have the same culture of play of D&D so like instead of letting new players coast by with a shallow understanding of the rules and letting the GM do all the work, they ask players to start making mechanically informed decisions right away. Sure, it can suck for onboarding, but learning from your mistakes can often be a great way to learn.

[morbethgames]

The Recoding of The Bureau is Finished

I’m done recoding the game. All in all, it was honestly about what I expected to be slimmed off once I got a good look at some of the scenes. As I expected, 90% of that were from the first 3 chapters. I am a mix of emotions after arduously spending hours upon hours replacing gender variables one at a time by hand. Which unfortunately, I couldn’t think of another way for doing it, because all of the characters were using the same gender variables instead of independent ones for each character.

I’m relieved it’s done. Disappointed in myself that I had to do it at all. Irritated that some people decided to put the game on blast for it rather than give actionable suggestions on how to fix it. Excited to finally be able to continue writing both the extra scenes that need to be written and the main story. I honestly don’t know which one I’m going to continue with first.

Please leave feedback.

There are still no doubt one or two spots with maybe 1-2k words each that could be slimmed down, but that would require a lot of work for very little payoff. So yes, I’m comfortable saying, the game is almost 400k words long in total. 85k words per playthrough. That’s not including the extra scenes in the stats screen, because randomtest doesn’t go in the stats screen (to my knowledge at least, someone can correct me if I’m wrong). So you still have to play the game roughly 5 times and choose different choices to see everything it has to offer.

Is the game smaller? A bit, yeah. Is it 100-150k? It’s more than double that.

Now, that doesn’t say anything for the state of some of the writing. If I have to read someone nodding, or smiling, or ‘slightly’, ‘a bit’, or ‘a little’ something in my own work again, I’m gonna jump out a window. Obviously, back when I started writing this, I was very much influenced by Wayhaven. I’ve since grown out of that idea. Since the game has taken on an identity of its own, and while I will forever be grateful to that series and continue to support it, there’s gonna be some changes in the final version of this game. Less of what I said above, less ellipses, and the flirting (especially in the beginning) will seem much more down to earth and believable for the setting it’s in, with a bit of wiggle room since this is still very much a YA game.

Please leave feedback.

The rewrite will not be happening until the first draft of the game is fully finished. I refuse to get stuck in a rewrite phase, mostly because I would just find it way too boring.

My patreon will continue to have static fiction on it, as well as sneak peeks into upcoming stuff. In case you’ve been missing it, Love In Stasis is up to Chapter 6 at this point, with more to come. I’m also thinking about potentially starting a horror static fiction.

I’ll be relying on people to playtest this new version of the game to tell me about any continuity errors, and gender errors, any anything errors. So please, play the demo. Let me know if you notice anything. I think if I’ve proved anything at this point, it’s that I act and fix things based on feedback.

And pettiness.

But mostly feedback.

Please leave feedback.

Last thing I’ll say; I’m gonna stop saying I’m bad at coding. Someone who’s bad at coding wouldn’t have been able to implement the text boxes and fine tune them. Someone who’s bad at coding wouldn’t have been able to code Golden Eyes. Someone who’s bad at coding wouldn’t have been able to slim down the game that much from where it was. So it’s time I give myself the credit of someone who at least knows what they’re doing. I’m not adept at it, but I’m certainly not bad at it either.

I’m still expecting the game to end up over 500k words when all is said and done. It will not be one million words, but I’m actually kind of happy about that. This is proof I’m still working on this game, and the next time it updates, it will have new content. Thanks for those that are patient and stick around, your support does still genuinely mean a lot.

Please leave feedback.

Stay Brilliant,

-Vi

P.S. Please leave feedback.

🛡️Patreon | Forum Page | Demo Link🛡️

[genderqueerdykes]

hi um. i’d like to ask you for some advice, since it seems like a lot of people come to you when they need it. i’m a trans girl who’s been taking estrogen for 2.5 years but. i’m just so disappointed and unhappy with what hrt has done for me. i feel like i’ve been completely taken over by doomerism from me constantly comparing myself to other transfems both online and irl, and from spending too much time on trans reddit (i’m sending you this ask instead of writing another vent post on r/mtf). through this i’ve convinced myself that i will never be happy with my body, or that i’ll never have real boobs or a feminine body at all. i really really don’t want to give up hope, but it just seems so far out of reach, and i’m stuck down here in this inky abyss. what do you do in dark times when you need to regain hope, but you can’t do it yourself?

first of all, i wanted to say i'm sorry that you're feeling this way. medical transition is a very finicky thing. there is no way to predict what will happen and when, so it's okay to feel just. completely bummed the hell out when you're not seeing the changes you hoped for yet. i definitely see how it can be crushing, especially when you know your body needs to look a different way for you to be happy. it's important to consider people look a lot different irl than they do in photos and videos. camera lenses can only capture so much. pictures and videos can be edited. it's hard to compare yourself to something like that

& i did want to say that you're definitely not alone! there are a lot of girls in your exact situation. with everyone responding to HRT differently, you'll see girls who get changes right away, and girls where it takes a long time. changes with HRT generally happen very slowly, way slower than the eye can perceive, so it's okay if you feel like nothing is happening. your body just may need more time to adjust

have you ever increased your dose? if not, that is totally an option! you may also want to look into progesterone if you find that you're not happy with your breast growth after some time. it's best to look into progesterone first to make sure it's right for you, as it will affect more than just breast growth, but i wanted to throw it out there as an option! if you're not on an androgen blocker, this could also potentially help you

for both estrogen and testosterone HRT, it can take a minimum of 5 years for people to begin seeing the effects they were desiring. 5 years, minimum! that's a very long time, comparatively, you are very early on in your journey. the effects you want to see may just come along further on down the road. i know it's easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others. it's good to remind yourself that they are not you, they do not share your genetics. they look like them. you look like you. it's okay that you don't look like those people- they're not you.

it doesn't make you any less of a woman just because you haven't seen these changes yet. there are plenty of women who look just like you, cis, intersex, trans, genderqueer, and otherwise. there are many cis and intersex women who don't "pass", and it doesn't make them any less of a woman: the same applies to you, and every trans girl. dysphoria can be a real pain in the ass and make things harder than it needs to be. it's okay to not be content with where you're at now. it's okay to be frustrated that you're not seeing the changes you want to right now. many, many trans people feel just the same way you do.

you may feel awkward and uncomfortable right now because you're literally in a transitional phase. think about when teenagers go through puberty, about how awkward they look and feel. cracking voices, bodies that are "in the middle" and not fully developed. that's what you're going through at the moment, and its okay. it just takes time for things to fully settle in.

what i would suggest is trying to find ways to do some self care that affirm your gender that don't involve your appearance. validating yourself in other ways is extremely important. building yourself up takes time. if you feel insecure about how you look, it's okay. you can start building your confidence in your identity and gender in other areas of yourself, first, then move on to your appearance. try to spend time with people who respect you for who you are, no matter how you look. try to surround yourself with people and things that affirm you

i hope you start seeing those changes you want to see soon. if you need more advice, feel free to ask! if any other trans girls on E have any advice for the asker, or relate to the experience, please feel free to chip in with some feedback on this ask, or by sending an ask! due to being intersex, i was taking estrogen and progesterone despite not wanting to, so i was not cataloguing what was changing or anything like that, so i can't speak from personal experience there despite having been on E HRT in the past.

take care of yourself for now. try to go easy on yourself, you're still in your coocoon. the day where you emerge as a butterfly is on its way, it just takes a little time. please feel free to come back any time. i hope we can get some good insight for you

[luninewnk]

ㅤㅤㅤ 𝅄⠀       ִ ㅤㅤ(◞ ◟ )ྀིഒ  ׁ ׅ ㅤ꒱ LUNINE'S INTRO

ꔫ  ࣪ ˖ ♡ ໒꒰՞ ܸ. .ܸ՞꒱ა

ㅤ┈֯⠀ ͚֯ 𝅘ྀི𝅥ㅤ   WELCOME. ㅤㅤㅤ🎀🎀

hmm...hi? well, I don’t even know why I’m doing this (and no one’s probably going to read this — and I don’t blame you for that), but here we go 😝😝😝. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE A PRETTY BLOG 😭😭😭😭

. ⍟ 🎀ㅤㅤ𝗔𝗕𝗢𝗨𝗧 𝗠𝗘 — ABOUT ME

so... my name is lunine (not my real name, just a nickname i got in my 2000s fame dr, and since ioved it so much, i decided to use it as my username ✨️). i’m 19 years old (but mentally i look like a 10 year old child — gojo... i see myself in you 🫵🏼🫵🏼 ). i have ADHD, and because of that, i get way more attached to my drs and s/o's than “normal people” probably do (i have crazyyyy hyperfixations). my pronouns are she/her. idk what is my sexuality (but i'm all, but heterosexual).

i've been a shifter for 4 years (yep, i discovered shifting during the fracotok era — back in 2020. but unlike others, my goal wasn’t harry potter, but boku no hero academia — I WAS OBSESSED WITH DABI AND NEEDED him to eat me 😭😭😭😭). but over the years, I’ve only tried shifting to my dr about 15 times (99% of the time, I just daydreaming and seeing fanfiction).

I LOVE throwing myself into dangerous dr's (especially apocalypse ones). why? because yes. I love adrenaline, okay? I find drs like that way more interesting (just my opinion, guysss). my friends call me crazy for choosing drs like TWD or The Last of Us. but so what???? i’ve always loved the apocalypse vibe. like, it’s so badass, yummyyy. who can judge me? 💋💋💋

   𓊆ྀི . . . 𓊇ྀི ⠀⠀⑅ ₊  𐙚 𓂃 ࣪ ◌ 𓊆ྀི . . . 𓊇ྀི ⠀⠀⑅ ₊  𐙚 𓂃 ࣪ ◌

. ⍟ 🎀ㅤㅤ𝗠𝗬 𝗗𝗥's — MY DR's

i have a lot of DRs, like, A LOT. sooo i’m not going to list them all here (mainly because some of them are ones i created after daydreaming and don’t even have names/scripts for yet 😭😭😭). I’ll just mention my favorites and the main ones.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ┈֯⠀ ͚֯ 𝅘ྀི𝅥ㅤ ㅤmy main realities ㅤㅤ🎀

O1 ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤjujutsu kaisen

O2 ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤthe last of us (first game)

O3ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ fame dr 2000s

O4 ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤwaiting room

O5ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ band dr (this dr is kind of a mix of fame dr and tlou 2 hauhsyahaa)

O6ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ the walking dead

O7ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ supernatural

   𓊆ྀི . . . 𓊇ྀི ⠀⠀⑅ ₊  𐙚 𓂃 ࣪ ◌ 𓊆ྀི . . . 𓊇ྀི ⠀⠀⑅ ₊  𐙚 𓂃 ࣪ ◌

. ⍟ 🎀ㅤㅤ𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗦 — OTHERS

my favorite color is pink and black .

i love nature, astronomy, shifting, animes, fantasy, fictional universes, daydreaming, animals (mainly cats), summer/spring, playing games, old songs, listening to music, drawing, dancing, reading, etc.

i hate machistas, sexists, anti-shifters, racists, people who judge other people's DRs, homophobes, shiftoks who have a 2020 mentality, etc (if you are one of those... GET OUT OF HERE)

my s/o's are almost triple my age (no judgement, guys) 😍😍😍. I LOVE DILFS 🫦🫦🫦🫦🫦🫦🫦🫦🫦

I AM ACCEPTING NEW FRIENDS 🎀🫶🏼 (caall me)

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

well... I think that's all (if I remember anything else to add, I'll update it here)

mwah mwah, lunine.

[16-puppies]

Literally all of this. I know the tumblr therian community says it’s super accepting , etc etc, and that is part of the reason why I came here… but honestly, i’ve seen more hate and discourse here than I ever have on tiktok. Maybe I was lucky, maybe I just blocked the right people from the start!! But considering a majority of the tiktok therian community appears to be children, it’s very… odd to me that a community that seems to have more adults in it is so vitriolic towards them!

Yes, there are a lot of “tiktok therians” who are less educated about therianthropy, or miseducated, but being mean about it won’t help. I think a lot of the tumblr community likes to act as “educators” when they simply aren’t cut out for it. Not in the way where they get definitions wrong, but just not realizing that education is the long game and it won’t go any faster if you’re rude about it. It’s not a bad thing to not be an educator, and I know many of us want to help, but like Paleo said, sometimes you have to just agree to disagree! They will come around eventually. Welcoming them here where they have more exposure to diverse therianthropic experiences is the best thing we can do to heal the community right now.

There is this malicious idea about these young “tiktok therians” and that they’re a group that we need to “drive out” , but I think if you look further than what may be just the jumbled wording of a young therian who is probably being relentlessly bullied and just wants acceptance from *somewhere*, and is still finding their place in the world, I see a group with a lot of potential! I’m so tired of seeing so much unhelpful criticism for what they do , especially if it’s presented in a snarky, know-it-all kind of way. It’s just not helpful in my opinion.

And, if for any reason it becomes too much, I really think people have to utilize the block button more. It’s your blog, and if you don’t want to deal with the potential wave of new accounts… block them? If they’re being disrespectful and you don’t want to deal with it… block them. I don’t understand what’s so scary about them coming here when you can just filter them out and ignore them if you’d really like, but perhaps I haven’t been here long enough. I sincerely doubt any of them would try to “tiktok-ify” tumblr though, because this platform and community isn’t really built for it. I haven’t even seen tumblr mentioned as one of the places to migrate to, so if they do come here it will be far less “catastrophic” than this community is suggesting.

I might be biased in all of this because I was technically a “tiktok therian”, but I’m really starting to dislike how many of us here act as if they’re the devil or something. It’s weird..!!

I don't want to engage in discourse, but I've seen so many posts here lately talking about "Tik Tok Therians" and worries about them migrating to Tumblr.

I'm just imagining what it's like for them. Imagine coming to Tumblr for the first time and discovering all this hate and infighting. Your main way of seeing content of others like you has been taken away from you, so you turn to Tumblr, only to find hundreds of posts making assumptions and generalizations about you. Imagine coming from Tik Tok and the first post you see on here is someone calling you annoying.

Are we really as accepting as we claim to be? Now is the time to prove it.

Yes, I would absolutely be bullied off the face of Tik Tok if I ever ended up there, but that doesn't mean I will treat them the same if they ended up here. If you're scared of Tumblr turning as toxic and hostile as Tik Tok, maybe the answer is to simply avoid being toxic and hostile.

Also, a bit of a tangent, but sometimes the best way to go about things is just agreeing to disagree with those around you. I can't even count how many times I've changed my mind about something because I saw someone with a different opinion and had a civil discussion, or did proper research about something I was misinformed on because I befriended someone new. Of course we are all entitled to opinions, and we can't always see eye to eye, but that's life.

Personally, my blog will welcome these "Tik Tok Therians" with open arms. They will see that I'm weird, but most importantly they will also see that I am one of them, I am kind, and willing to educate without hate.

[kikyoupdates]

Bloodthirst ⭑˚💋⭑ 𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑠𝑡 𝑏𝑖𝑡𝑒

bnha x vampire!reader

reverse harem, my hero academia x fem!reader, my vampire!reader, slowburn

As punishment for your sins, you, a young vampire, are banished — not just from your home, but to a different world entirely. Now, you find yourself in a foreign place where Quirks and heroes are the norm. In addition to coming to terms with your new life, you must also face your greatest challenge: controlling your massive thirst for blood.

previous | story masterlist | next

Izuku’s big green eyes were wide and trembling. He looked appalled, and somewhat horrified as well, although you supposed that was only natural, considering what you’d just asked him. In a human-dominated world such as this one, someone like you was an obvious anomaly.  

Still, you weren’t feeling well right now. Far from it, as a matter of fact. The suddenness of your being brought into this different realm was clearly having an adverse effect on your body. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d felt such a dizzying wave of hunger before.  

If you didn’t consume some blood, and soon, things were going to get ugly.  

You swallowed hard, trying not to scare him too much. “I can understand... why you’d be shocked. I’ve been catching you off guard with so many different things. But, um, you see... I’m actually a vampire. I need to drink blood in order to survive. And I'm feeling super weak all of a sudden...”  

Cue the silence. He wasn’t speaking at all. Actually, it was more accurate to say that he couldn’t speak, what with the way his mouth had frozen from shock. His reaction was enough to tell you that vampires definitely weren’t commonplace in this world, unlike what you’d been hoping for.  

“V-Vampire,” Izuku blinked, still trying to wrap his head around your words. “This is all just... I’m sorry, but I don’t know what to think. By vampire, you mean those supernatural beings that drink blood from humans?”  

“Ah. So, you have heard of us.”  

“Only in books and movies! Not in real life!”  

“Well, it looks as though what may be fiction in one world is actually reality in another. When you think about it, having multiple worlds in the first place is already crazy enough. Before I was cast away, I hadn’t even considered the possibility.”  

As much as you would have loved to sit down and have a proper conversation explaining the details of your situation, you could feel yourself growing weaker by the second. At first, it was just that your body felt hot and you were rather dizzy, but your stomach was starting to have painful pangs, and the cut on your shoulder was throbbing uncontrollably. You hadn’t realized just how much strain this change would place on your body. Fuck... 

You felt like you might go insane.  

“I-I’m sorry for frightening you,” you managed weakly. This was bad. This was really, really bad. If Izuku didn’t agree to give you some of his blood, you were afraid that in your desperation, you might just lunge straight at him. The whole purpose of you being here was so that you could learn to control yourself, but how could you do that under these circumstances? Your body felt like it was being ripped apart from the inside. Even your brain was starting to turn to mush.  

Izuku now looked visibly concerned, although it could have been that your vision was also starting to fail you. Either way, it seemed like he was beginning to take your words much more seriously. The way you kept on gasping for breath and clutching at your injured shoulder probably had something to do with it.  

“Are you... telling the truth?” he asked quietly. “If you’re really telling the truth, and you need to do this otherwise you won’t survive... then I don’t mind giving you my blood.”  

You gave him a look of disbelief. He... actually believed you? If vampires truly didn’t exist in this world, then he really had no reason to. You imagined that most people would have probably shrugged you off, assuming that you were putting on some overdramatic performance for whatever reason. Maybe they would have even thought you were insane.  

But not Izuku. You could tell by the way he was looking at you. Whether or not he was truly convinced by your words, it seemed like in this moment, the only thing he was interested in was helping to ease your pain.  

He wanted to save you. That was what his eyes seemed to convey.  

“If you really don’t mind... then, please,” you nodded. Beads of cold sweat had begun to form across your forehead. You were on the verge of passing out if you didn’t drink any blood soon, and now that you were in a foreign land, you feared to discover just how dire the consequences would be.  

Izuku glanced around, then gestured for you to follow him. “L-Let’s maybe go somewhere a bit more private,” he offered. “If you think you’re able to make it a bit further...?”  

That was probably for the best. Drawing needless attention to yourself wouldn’t do you any favors, and you were fairly certain that most people would be flabbergasted—and probably horrified—if they saw what you were about to do.  

Steeling yourself against the pain, you followed Izuku and headed for a more secluded area. He kept on glancing over at you nervously the whole time, checking in to make sure you were still okay. Well, you weren’t really okay, but relief was only a short while away, so you told yourself to hold on just a bit longer. 

Finally, you seemed to have reached a good spot. A small alleyway behind a rather shoddy-looking building. You hoped its poor condition meant that most people wouldn’t come this way. 

Izuku looked nervous, and you couldn’t really blame him. “Um, so...” he said, twiddling his thumbs. “H-How exactly do we do this...?”  

“The neck,” you said, swallowing impatiently. “It’s the easiest spot for me to bite into. But if you’re too scared, I could use your arm instead. Actually, maybe it’s better that way. It’ll be easier for you to push me back if you need to.”  

“Why would I need to push you back?”  

“Because...”  

Because I might not be able to stop myself.  

You didn’t voice that last part out loud, as guilty as you felt about it. There was no point in scaring Izuku off, especially since it wouldn’t change your predicament in the slightest. If he got too frightened and ran off, you would just have to find some other poor person to feed off. And unlike with Izuku, you doubted they would go along so willingly.  

You also didn’t exactly have the luxury of time on your side. The longer you waited, the weaker you became and the more ravenous you felt. The worst-case scenario would be if you lost control of yourself and started attacking people indiscriminately. After all, your family wouldn’t be here to stop you this time.  

“Never mind,” you said with a shake of your head. “But... if you’re sure you want to do this, then please roll up your sleeve and stick your arm out.”  

Izuku nodded hastily and did just that. He exposed his forearm, which was practically blemish-free, a small dusting of freckles strewn across certain areas. Even though hardly anything had changed, you could feel your heart beating a bit faster. He smelled way too good. If this was how good he smelled, you could only imagine how much better he would taste.  

It was a challenge, but you forced yourself to get a grip. You never wanted a repeat of what had happened with your friend. You never wanted to hurt someone like that ever again.

Fingers shaking a bit, you carefully grabbed Izuku’s arm and lifted it towards your mouth. You were both quite nervous, it looked like, but each for the opposite reason. Izuku’s was for fear of getting hurt, and yours was for fear of hurting him.  

But there was no way around it. You weren’t about to roll over and die after being in this new world for less than a day.  

You parted your lips and unhinged your jaw. Izuku let out a little gasp when he saw the way your teeth sharpened; your canines turning into pointed fangs. If he didn’t believe you to begin with, it looked like he was definitely starting to now.  

“This is going to hurt quite a bit,” you warned him. You felt it was only fair for him to prepare himself in advance. Izuku, however, didn’t seem deterred.  

“It’s okay,” he nodded. “You need help. I’m going to help you.”  

Without giving him another chance to second-guess his decision, you sank your fangs into the skin near his wrist. As expected, he let out a hiss and sucked in a breath of air to keep from screaming. All things considered, he was taking it surprisingly well. Most people who weren’t used to having their blood sucked tended to panic quite a bit the first time.  

But honestly, you were too distracted to marvel in his bravery right now. Just as you’d surmised, his blood really was beyond your expectations. Different humans tended to have different tastes; like with everything else in life, there was a certain amount of variety you could expect. That being said, you’d tasted plenty of delicious blood before.  

Even so, Izuku’s was easily the best.

You slurped from his skin greedily, relieved to feel your strength coming back to you almost at once. Every so often, Izuku would scrunch up his nose and shudder. His eyes were squeezed shut, probably because he was too scared to actually watch what was happening. That was fine, though. He was already being more than generous towards you, and for a human who’d only just found out vampires actually existed, his courage was truly admirable.  

It was like you’d died and gone to heaven, if there really was such a place. Assuming vampires were allowed in heaven, anyways. The point was that you’d never tasted anything so delicious before in your entire life, and you wanted to keep gorging yourself on his blood—for the rest of eternity, if you could.  

Alas, you couldn’t. It was hard, really hard, but you forced yourself to pull away. Izuku’s blood was intoxicating, but you needed to learn from your mistakes. You couldn’t harm the person who’d risked his own wellbeing just to try and help you.  

Gaze lidded, you wiped the back of your hand across your mouth, cleaning away any blood that still lingered on your lips. “All done,” you said.  

Izuku finally worked up the nerve to open his eyes again and get a proper look at you. He paused for a moment, looking a bit uncertain, before finally glancing down near his wrist, where he noticed the two puncture marks your fangs had left behind.  

“Y-You really drank my blood,” he marveled, lightly pressing near the wounds. They were definitely tender, so he winced a bit when he applied a touch too much force.  

“Thank you so much,” you sighed heavily. “I’m feeling a lot better now. I made sure not to take too much blood from you, but how is it? Are you feeling lightheaded or anything like that? Does it still hurt a lot even though I’ve stopped?”  

Izuku shook his head. “No... I’m okay. I’m not really sure how to describe it, but I could definitely feel that you were sucking my blood out. I-It's not a sensation I ever thought I would experience, that much is for sure.”  

“You’re amazing, Izuku. You let me suck your blood even though you must have been so scared.”  

“I’m nothing special!” he blurted. His face had turned red again. You figured it had less to do with you sucking his blood and more so the fact that you’d complimented him. “You weren’t looking so good earlier, but it seems like that’s changed for the better now. I’m so relieved,” he smiled. “That means I was able to make a difference, right?”  

Although you’d only just met, it was already abundantly clear that he was a good guy.  

You grinned back at him. “Back in my world, even the humans that are used to having their blood sucked still get a bit scared from time to time. But you took it like a champ, even though you didn’t know what to expect. You really are incredible. There’s no need to be embarrassed. Being brave is something to take pride in.”  

“I-I-If you say so!” Izuku spluttered nervously. He didn’t seem to handle praise well. Perhaps he wasn’t used to hearing it?  

If that was the case, then you’d have to do your best to change fix that.  

But seriously... what a relief. I felt like I was going to die if I didn’t drink any blood right away.  

The reality was that you very well could have died. There was no one here to look after you. Even though this punishment seemed quite cruel, you knew that you’d only ended up in this position thanks to your negligence. A life was a life. Like your parents had said, you needed to never take it for granted ever again.  

Although the momentary silence wasn’t unsettling, Izuku still felt the need to chime in. “Um, so... are you okay now, [Name]?”  

“Yes! I’m as good as new,” you beamed, twirling in place for emphasis.  

“I’m glad to hear that. But... what are you going to do next? You said you don’t have a place to live, right? Because your family sent you here?”  

Ah. Right. Even though the emergency had been dealt with, you were still pretty royally screwed.  

You nodded somberly. “Yeah. I did something to really upset them, so they told me I’m not allowed to come home until I’ve taken the time to reflect on my mistakes and mature a bit.”  

“Still... a whole different world?” Izuku gaped. “That’s way too severe of a punishment, no matter what! How could your parents do that to you? What exactly did you do that made them so angry?”

You swallowed. Honestly, you were hesitant to reveal the exact reason behind your banishment. Izuku had been nothing but kind to you, but if he found out what you’d done, he might leave you behind and never look back.  

“I don’t want to say,” you admitted, casting your head to the ground. “I’m sorry. Just... not right away. Maybe once you get to know me a bit better.”  

Izuku looked surprised at first, but he quickly shook his head. “No, I shouldn’t have tried to pry in the first place!” he reassured. “It sounds like you’ve been through a lot already. I can’t even imagine what I would do if I was in your place... sorry for pressuring you for an answer.”  

“There’s no reason to apologize. It’s only natural to be curious.”  

You really were fortunate to have run into Izuku. For once, acting on your bloodthirst had proven to be the right call.  

Still. You were very much in a sticky situation.

“This is incredibly shameless of me,” you started, clenching your hands into fists and swallowing your embarrassment, “but... is there any way I might be able to stay with you for a little while? As of now, you’re the only one who knows that I’m a vampire from a different world. I’m just really lost and afraid, but you’ve been so nice to me, and even helped me. Just for a little while—just long enough for me to figure out what to do next. Would that be okay...?”  

Of course it wasn’t okay. You couldn’t believe that you were even daring to impose on him like this. But you weren’t lying about being scared. Just because you were strong didn’t mean that you didn’t get nervous or doubt yourself. You were only fourteen years old, apart from your family for the very first time—literally worlds apart.  

You were far from perfect, and you knew that. You just hoped that Izuku might be willing to put up with you for a little longer.

“Okay.”  

You blinked.  

Wait... what did he just say?  

It wasn’t just the fact that he’d said it. It was the way he’d said it, with little to no hesitation whatsoever. 

Izuku smiled shyly. “You need help, and I’m happy that you think I might be able to lend a hand. Normally I would suggest going to the heroes for something serious like this... but your situation is definitely unique, so I can understand why you’d be scared when you don’t know anything about this place. We can figure out a solution together... a-alright?”  

Tears welled up in your eyes. You couldn’t help it. He wasn’t just a good guy. He was an absolute angel.  

“My hero!” you couldn’t help but cry out, throwing yourself over him and giving him a big hug. “Oh, thank you! Thank you so much! This means more to me than you’ll ever know! I promise that no matter what I have to do, I’ll find a way to repay you somehow!”  

Izuku let out a noise that was somewhere in between a squeak and a gasp. He didn’t try to push you off as you squeezed your arms around him. Actually, his face was so red that it looked like he was about to start blowing steam from his ears, so you figured he was frozen stiff from shock.  

At the risk of sending him into cardiac arrest, you decided you should probably pull away and give him some space.  

“Sorry about that,” you apologized sheepishly. “I got a bit too excited there.”  

Izuku’s cheeks were still aflush, and he was staring at you in some sort of daze. “...hero,” he mumbled.  

“Hm?”  

“You just... called me your hero,” he swallowed, suddenly looking as though he was about to cry tears of joy.  

“Because you are,” you encouraged happily. “You’re saving me big-time!”  

“It’s just... no one’s ever said that to me before. Not a single person.”  

“Wow. So, I guess that makes me the first!”  

“Yeah.” Izuku let out a giggle, and you could’ve sworn your heart skipped a beat. He was grinning ear-to-ear now. “You’re the first, [Name].”  

Something told you that despite being banished, this world had plenty of bright moments in store for you.

More chapters are available on Quotev, Ao3, and Wattpad !

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[rowanisawriter]

2024 —my year in writing

last year, i wrote more than i ever have like literally in my whole life. this year i beat my record by about 200k words. i am writing A LOT and it’s all because of you.

yes, you, reading this now. anyone who kudos’d or commented or liked or reblogged anything i wrote, and followed me here and on ao3, and ranted in my dms and added me to servers. you, reading the weird things i write, the things i can only write and only i can write, seeing it and liking it and coming back again and again for more. thank you :)

so here’s my 2024 summary:

words written: 358,963

fics published: 74

my favorite fics:

real world (stardew valley) - a story about parenthood and roads not taken. genuinely the most important story to me, a diary entry as much as fanfic

pilgrimage (bg3) - a story about two people without a past as they work toward an even more uncertain future. i also have no past because of a strange upbringing so this story is kinda personal to me even though it’s about a cleric and a vampire

novel (hades) - a story about looking for adventure and finding love and family instead. i had so much fun writing this and posted weekly without pre-writing which was a challenge but it all worked out

patchwork self (datv) - a story about finding pieces of your brother in yourself. i wrote a lot of structured fic this year and i think this one flowed the easiest and was the most precise in how it delivered the message i was trying to get across, also it’s gen which i never write

my most written pairing: thanzag with 11 stories! not surprising since ive spent most of the year humiliating myself over thanatos

my most used tags: romance, introspection, character study

what i learned: i learned above all to trust myself! this year i wrote and completed three multi chapter fics that i didn’t prewrite and posted week by week until it was done. i’ve never been able to do that before but this year i just did it and didn’t overthink it, and i trusted that i could finish the stories and i did lol i can do anything i think i just have to trust myself a little

what i want to write next year: i would like very much to write something original, i have a loose idea so i just need to sit down and write so my goal is really small and simple, hopefully i don’t let myself down

[millidew]

random list of v3 opinions after experiencing all that again:

the death road of despair segment is the pre-trial highlight of ch1. so damn good. just a perfect microcosm of the game and kaede's flaws and conflicts

maki is funnier than i remember. but she’s at her funniest when she hits shuichi with a devastating insult, usually completely unprompted

ouma and maki parallels and foiling forever and ever. they HAAATE each other. but also it’d be cool to see them get along. the whole point is that they don’t see through the other and believe the other’s lies but still

maki saying she’ll work hard to make people trust her and her talent and that she wants to survive with everyone…ough…

ouma is so mad. he wishes that were him. also that moment where everyone ignores him and tries to comfort kaito after gonta's execution. he also wishes that were him but unfortunately he's been an asshole to everyone and no one likes him so

the only way i can enjoy saio/uma is one sided ouma->shuichi where shuichi is just not invested in the cop/robber dynamic ouma wants at all. it’s funnier this way + saimota inspires a visceral upset within him. he NEEDS to fumble both kaede and shuichi.

on that note i’ve been hcing ouma as bisexual for years partially out of spite

kaito’s obnoxious charm can’t be ignored. if you think you’ve successfully done it, it means it’s just entered an asymptomatic form. it'll hit you soon enough

ch2 pre-execution >>> KIRA BUCKLAND THE VOICE ACTRESS THAT YOU ARE. EVERYONE WONDERING IF THEY MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE BY VOTING FOR KIRUMI. KAITO GOING “IDC I WANT TO LIVE, OUR LIVES ARE IMPORTANT TOO!” KIRUMI INSULTING OUMA <3 EVERYONE CHEERING FOR KIRUMI TO RUN!!! TO LIVE!!!!!!!! GAHHHH SO COOL

kaito and himiko just blatantly lying through their teeth during their ftes. the liars who suppress their true problemsssss. also him shouting that he is NOT GIVING HER A PIGGY BACK RIDE!!! EVAR!!!!! is so funny

himiko I LOVE YOUUUUU. i love her getting overly familiar with people post-development and just accidentally completely overstepping boundaries by insulting kiibo and calling maki "maki roll." she's trying so hard you guys

KAITO IS SO FUCKING DRAMATIC. HE SHOULD’VE BEEN THE MALE LEAD IN A HIGH-SCHOOL THEATRE PRODUCTION AND ANNOYED EVERYONE IN THE CREW!!!! STOP BOTHERING MAKI SHE HAS A POWER DRILL

shuichi and maki doing sit ups and the camera slowly panning to show kaito laying there hands behind his head saying his usual bullshit is one of the funniest moments of the game

tenko and himiko agree that shuichi should transition into a woman. this is true.

I don’t accept tenko slander unless it’s specifically about her obsessiveness over himiko in ch1-2 in which case I can’t defend her

if kaito shaved he’d look 13. for this reason he is legally not allowed to do that.

tsumugi and the background of v3 are SO GOOD. ABSOLUTE PEAK. in execution there are lots of weak points but after thh, sdr2, udg, and the anime series, tell me a meta story about consumption, lies, and depression that ends with the cameos from entire main games’ previous casts doesn’t go hard

don’t deny that tsumugi loved her little ocs. do you not enjoy torturing your blorbos, putting them into situations, and giving them nice things just to take those away?? shipping them and dressing them up??? making silly aus (salmon mode, utdp, arguably dr:s)?

i just wish the writers utilized her more bc i love that so much. she should've wanted to get to get more involved with everyone (giddily see her ocs up close). she should've made even more thh/srdr2 references. players assume the writers are making for cheap nostalgia points, and they are, but it's true in-universe too...she should've been so overconfident that she'd get sloppy with the situational irony... tsumugi you little freak ily

she and rantaro were 100% s52's survivors and you can pry this from my cold dead hands. her dr fangirl self can be her pre-game personality

speaking of pre-game personalities, pre-game content is at best boring to me. how they write ouma is my litmus test. if he's not enough of a nuisance, just in a different way, then it's gotta go

maki is down for a training trio polycule, shuichi is in denial about everything and fears becoming an awkward third wheel, and kaito has been trying unsuccessfully to wink-wink nudge-nudge shuichi and maki into “realizing their feelings for each other” for ages

i still think maki should have short hair. initially I thought just shorter pigtails would be ok but I’m now in the firm camp of a pixie cut with one of her scrunchies on her wrist, with her orphanage-age flashback self maintaining the pigtails. she had to cut them off for practicality’s sake but one of her hidden desires is to be able to regrow it one day. another show of her loss of identity and past life, and how every aspect of her is controlled? such a simple desire at first glance but because hair is such a simple show of autonomy…even more tragic… maybe her doomed childhood friend yuri used to do her hair …hrm…

ultimates are public, influential figures. maki’s had to assassinate friends before (rip her yakuza friend that I didn’t know she had up until recently). maki went back to being an assassin in utdp after graduating. the hope’s peak class roster MIGHT just be a hit list

for someone who includes miu in her top 3 I haven’t talked about her at all huh. it’s been maki central up in here

miu is AWFUL but when her jokes hit, they hit good and hard just like she’d want them to. she’s completely insufferable and deserves to hit ouma (also insufferable) with 3000 hammers. kiibo too but he wouldn’t want to

look just because ouma said he was doing everything for a good reason, do NOT forget that at his core he is a little dipshit. he’s a JERK!!!

brief dip into maki time again. one of my favorite aus is that maki’s doomed childhood friend is actually miu. i'll expand on this in another post

once again: drv3 and rgu are shaking hands about exiting the narrative and the follies of playing hero. read my utenanthy!kaemugi post

v3 is FARRRR from a masterpiece, but it's a solid and fitting Ending to the main games, plus it's got an insane cast with infinite dynamics and a premise which i love to bits <33 and it was the game that got me into dr, so it'll always be special in my heart. also kaito momota luminary of the stars debuted in it which gives it 5/5 stars

[kissme-withyour-cherrylipstick]

Merry Kissmas, Day 20

It looks like they really are going Christmas shopping, so Arthur drives them into town on a cold, busy Saturday, the last weekend before Christmas. Merlin’s breath is visible as he steps out of the car and Arthur admires the way his cheeks turn pink, until Merlin catches him staring and he has to look away.

“Why do you need me for this?” Merlin asks for the third time. “I don’t need to do any Christmas shopping.”

“I need you in my sight at all times,” Arthur answers as they head into the shop.

“Why? Worried I’ll kiss someone else?” He raises a cheeky eyebrow.

“No,” Arthur says forcefully. “No. I just... can’t miss my chance. You’re still in the lead, you know.”

“Yes, I know. You gonna take it from me?”

Something about the way Merlin says this makes Arthur feel flushed. “Yes. When you least expect it.”

“I always expect it.”

To test this, Arthur pulls Merlin close, but he wrestles out of Arthur’s grasp just in time. Arthur laughs.

“You’re really willing to do this in public?” Merlin asks.

“I already embarrassed myself in front of all your coworkers and I have to see those people again.”

“That’s true.” Merlin smiles at the memory and because of that, Arthur doesn’t regret his actions a single bit.

Later, once they’ve gotten into the groove of shopping, Merlin speaks up. “There’s only five possible points left, and with me in the lead, I only need three more points to win, so we could be done by Monday.”

Despite the dread with which Arthur has been watching the Hershey’s kisses leaving his little cardboard Advent calendar, this thought hasn’t occurred to him. That it could be over even before Advent was. “You really think you could get three points in a row?”

“I could.”

“Please. Is that why you’ve been quiet? You’ve been figuring that out in your head? And here I thought you were actually giving me a break from your incessant prattle.”

“Nope, I’ll never do that.”

“Why would you want that anyway? For it to be over early?” Arthur is surprised by how quiet his voice is. “Are you... not having fun?”

Merlin gives him an intense look that Arthur wishes he could decipher and which goes on for a long time before Merlin answers. “No, I am. You have no idea. But... I was just saying. You know, it’s possible.”

You have no idea . Those words seem to imply something, but Arthur has to come up with a witty retort for fear of having to confront something real. “I very much doubt it.”

Merlin crosses his arms. “You don’t think I can do it?”

“You haven’t.”

“I haven’t been trying. I’ve been dragging it out for your benefit, but now that I know you’re not having fun.” He lunges for Arthur, who easily holds him back with a hand to his chest.

“I didn’t say I’m not having fun.”

Merlin’s arms go slack. “Are you?”

“Yes.”

A smile comes across Merlin’s face, crinkling his eyes, for just a second. “Okay, then. Kiss me.”

“What?”

“So we can tie.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Make sure it lasts longer.”

Arthur stares.

Merlin bites his lip. “I won’t stop you.”

This is like a wild fantasy come true, but Arthur has to remind himself it’s just for a silly game that will soon be over and it doesn’t mean anything more. He steps forward in the aisle of the busy department store and places a tentative hand on Merlin’s neck, Merlin’s eyes closing at the touch. “This is okay?”

“Yes. God, yes.”

Arthur leans in, pressing his lips gently to Merlin’s and it feels real this time, something deep inside him stirring strangely at the touch, but he can’t bring himself to do it for more than a couple seconds, even though Merlin is kissing him back, and the way Merlin’s eyes stay closed when Arthur pulls away seems to be telling him something, but he can’t entertain the idea because he isn’t entirely certain what it is.

He realizes Merlin’s hands were on his waist when he feels them leave. He sighs. “Now we’re even.”

Merlin blinks his eyes open, and there’s something fresh in his face that makes him look even more beautiful to Arthur.

“Come on. Let’s find something for Morgana.”

[tealeaf29]

ARCANE SEASON 1 AND 2 SPOILERS

Y’know what? I’m gonna say it:

As a system myself, Jinx/Powder is a system.

It’s difficult to pin point the exact point of the split, and whether or not it even happens on screen, but I’m gonna say Powder’s breakdown in season 1 episode 3 is the first time we see Jinx fronting.

Throughout most of season 1, Jinx is in front. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

People already talk quite a bit about how the arcane animators put time and effort into differentiating Powder and Jinx as two separate entities, is it really a stretch to call them a system?

Here’s the part that’s tripping me up though.

“Jinx is dead.”

I’m not sure who says that line.

Personally, I think it’s Jinx we see bonding with Isha. I think it’s Jinx we see talking about Powder being a stupid name. I think it’s Jinx we see saying Jinx is dead.

The best scene I think for showing the concept that Ninx and Powder are separate people, separate alters, is season 1 episode 6, when Vi and her sister reunite. It’s Powder that sets off the flare. It’s Jinx who angrily throws the flare on the ground. It’s Powder who fronts when Vi says her name and it’s Powder Vi hugs. But it’s Jinx who points PowPow at Vi. It’s Jinx who fires upon the Firelights with a smile on her face. It’s Powder who watches her sister get taken, and it’s Jinx who cries out in outrage moments later.

Second best scene for this is season 1 episode 9’s tea party scene. I don’t think I need to really explain that one too much, and there’s so much more I wanna say and I don’t want this to be too long.

Now, bare with me, it’s been a minute since my last rewatch but hear me out:

I think the last time we see Jinx is season 2 episode 4. Everything, and I do mean everything after she realizes she’s fighting Vander is Powder.

Do I think Jinx is gone? No. I just think she realized she doesn’t have to protect Powder anymore.

And I think there are two scenes that support this idea.

Season 2 episode 8, when Vi goes to break her out of prison and convince her sister to fight.

Vi pointedly calls her “Jinx”. Like a person trying to show they’re learning. I’ve seen this very thing myself as a system. Someone gets used to a new alter(in this case, Jinx) fronting, that they accidentally call another alter(in this case, Powder) by the wrong name.

She goes on to say “maybe we can rewrite your story, just like you rewrote Zaun’s.”

She’s saying “we can erase Powder, Jinx is all that matters, right?”

And, from an outside perspective, that’s not only a fair thing to say, but honestly super cute of her as a sister. I’ve seen people reading Jinx as a trans allegory, ESPECIALLY season 1 Jinx, and if it were, this would be a super great thing for Vi to say. But it’s not. At least, not by this point in season 2. If we do want to look at it as a gender allegory, then it works really well as a genderfluid allegory. But that’s not what I’m talking about.

No, Vi says the wrong thing here. She makes it clear she views her sister as a singular entity. Either Powder or Jinx. The issue is, especially at this point in the story, she’s not. And that’s not even me being like “I’m gonna state my personal headcanon/analysis as fact.” That’s just true. Schnee on YouTube does a much better job of explaining the dichotomy between the two identities in his “How EKKO Redefines Time” video that I 100% recommend(this video is actually what got me thinking about Jinx/Powder as a system).

The other scene, is Ekko trying to convince her to help. Ekko says two things here that are important. First, he says “Pow- Jinx.”

He doesn’t view them as a singular entity.

To the trans allegory thing for a moment, this is a really good line if you wanna read Jinx that way, because almost every single trans person who’s changed their name has likely heard “Deadna- Name” at least once(substitute for appropriate names of course). And it’s cute that Ekko corrects himself if that’s how you’re choosing to view it.

But it’s this line that gives her pause.

Ekko then goes on to say “no matter what happened in the past, it’s never too late to build something new.”

He’s not saying to erase the past. To erase Powder. He’s saying to move on from the past. To accept that Powder and Jinx are both present.

That is what convinces her to fight. Ekko telling her “it doesn’t matter, Jinx, Powder, whoever you are, whoever you choose to be, it’s not too late for you.”

Am I little biased when I claim Ekko is the only reason Jinx fights? Maybe a little, TimeBomb are one of my favourite ships in Arcane(though post-season 2 I stumbled upon LightCannon and I think they might be my fav Jinx ship now). But I don’t think that matters.

Do I think the writers intended Jinx to have DID? Definitely not.

Do I think the writers intended Jinx to be an allegory for DID? Maybe.

But it’s fun to analyze, and read representation in characters that wasn’t necessarily intended.

But, yeah, Jinx/Powder is now a system in my headcanon and you can’t convince me otherwise because it’s a headcanon and I can do what I want in my headcanons.

[actuallyjustabiscuit]

Jax’s behavior is legit pretty fascinating

Yes it’s time I ramble about the purple twink.

Fast Food Masquerade did something crazy in that it actually got me to start empathizing with the asshole because Jax’s visible frustration throughout this adventure was too real.

And in fact, it’s why I think Jax was acting so “different” towards the latter half of the episode.

This adventure was Too. Damn. Real.

Now, Jax’s character is actually really simple. He even sums up his whole schtick in the pilot.

“I’m fine with doing whatever, as long as I get to see funny things happen to people.”

Then in a hilarious bit of instant karma, promptly gets hit in the face with a gloink

The “-who aren’t me” part of that self description pretty much goes without saying.

Immediately after this happens, Jax’s little laidback exterior gets so rattled that he suddenly feels the need to take control and starts assigning tasks to everyone. And his casual attitude only returns once he feels like he’s not in any position for ridicule, by redirecting the potential for ridicule onto others. This is his defense mechanism.

Jax needs to feel in control, so he deliberately controls whatever situation he’s in to get the results he wants.

Something that I’ve always appreciated about Jax from a meta perspective is that he’s a character who actively moves the story forward, usually because he wants to satisfy his urge to create chaos.

And that’s the main thing about Jax, he’s really destructive.

Like…almost pointlessly destructive.

But, y’know what? It makes sense. Because he’s in a video game.

Where else can you be as needlessly and excessively chaotic than in a game where you can do pretty much anything because nothing is real?

Jax can hurt whoever and wreck whatever because if he’s living by video game logic, then there are no lasting consequences to his actions.

Jax even goes so far as to refer to Pomni, and by extension the other trapped humans, as a “character” in the pilot. Which goes to show how little he wants to consider them as people.

You can’t really hurt a character. And if used correctly, a character can be entertaining.

And that’s all Jax really wants out of his new life in the Circus, entertainment. Because the worst thing you can be while stuck in a game is be bored.

But of course, even in games, your actions have certain consequences that are just unavoidable.

And Episode 4 really beat Jax’s yellow teeth in with that not-so-fun little reminder. Because this bit right here

Pretty much was the precedent for how bad Jax was gonna get it this time.

And it all starts with Gangle absolutely refusing to let his usual bullshit slide by personally making sure that there will be consequences.

This is the first crack in Jax’s mask, he’s visibly concerned and annoyed that he no longer is allowed to be himself lest he risks getting punished. And even more baffling is that for the first time, Gangle asserts her power over him. She actually does something about his behavior, ripping the wind right out of his sails. Not only that but she continually enforces her authority, making it harder on him to get the upper hand again.

Now his interaction with Zooble is really interesting, because it’s the first time we see him at his most normal.

I don’t think he’s trying to tease them here, I feel like he’s genuinely curious about Zooble’s way of “playing” the game, because remember, it’s been a long time since they’ve been on an adventure together, if at all. Zooble’s excuse of wanting to avoid punishment makes sense because they witnessed first hand that Caine’s unstable personality is capable of some legitimate danger.

Of course, Jax believes that there isn’t any real risk involved. The only immediate menace to him and his current desire to just get through the day, is Gangle and her new mask.

At this point he’s not trying to be destructive or disruptive. He’s fully apathetic, because being forced to act like a minimum wage salary employee is not fun in the slightest. He can’t make things fun for himself, so he refuses to participate entirely.

As the clock mocks him with every slow tick, his mask chips more and more.

Jax isn’t saying this to be calculatingly rude or hurtful, he’s not doing this to upset Gangle. He’s being sincere, which is why he’s not smiling.

Because Gangle is much easier to push around and go along with whatever he wants her to do when she’s in Tragedy mode. She’s more “fun” that way.

In other words, he really hates this new dynamic they’ve got going on.

But this little comment, just makes things even worse for him because now Gangle goes from enforcing her authority to straight up abusing it by letting herself abuse him for a change.

It’s crazy how Jax’s main concern here is making sure this torture scene is just between them. He really hates being humiliated, more so than getting physically hurt.

The man has some serious issues, but c’mon we already knew that.

So Jax is finally getting a taste of his own medicine and it completely emasculates him. To the point where he just defaults to doing whatever Gangle tells him to do just to avoid feeling like that again. Now the mask is fully stripped off, he’s openly exasperated and powerless. On top of that he has no real impulse to ridicule or ruffle anyone’s feathers anymore, because for the first time in probably a long while, he’s even more miserable than everyone else.

And what does misery love?

Company

As someone who’s worked in retail for a while, nothing helps keep you sane more than having a little of bit of camaraderie when struggling to survive in corporate hell.

Something that really stood out to me in this episode is the limited use in background music, especially when in Spudsy’s, where you either get muzak to sell the ambiance of a public eatery or silence with the occasional machinery noise.

And yeah, that’d be enough to make shit as immersive as possible. It’s not a coincidence that the restaurant looks like a McDonald’s when Gooseworx even said it was directly modeled after it. It’s uncanny, how real this setup feels.

Uncomfortably uncanny.Jax seething at the clock is a relatable struggle.

The mask immediately comes back on once Jax no longer has any obligation to stick around.

But Jax can’t even enjoy his freedom. His day is officially over, but the sting of the experience still lingers. The adventure wasn’t just boring or frustrating, it was humbling, in every terrible way. This wasn’t a game, it was real life.

And I think the last kick in the teeth was this license plate waiting for him in the parking lot (Why did Caine make them drive “home”? That’s just extra)

One is the loneliest number

Jax doesn’t hide the fact that he’s an asshole, he’s almost proud of it. He practically relishes getting a rise out of everyone. He is well aware that nobody likes him, but I think this where he starts realizing that it actually bothers him.

Everyone has talked about that very brief moment where Jax’s expression changed towards the end of Candy Carrier Chaos, when Ragatha was talking about Kaufmo’s funeral and we get to see him actually get sad for a change, before immediately shaking it off and stomping away in irritation.

Jax showed no concern over Kaufmo’s abstraction in the pilot, so why would he feel sad about it in that moment? Does he secretly care about his fellow humans and just doesn’t want to admit it?

Maybe. But personally, I think the others choosing to morn those who’ve abstracted like they’re dead makes him seriously uncomfortable. Because it serves as a reminder that even in this world, there are still major consequences when some things aren’t taken seriously.

Jax doesn’t want to consider real life consequences. None of them even look like real people, so why should he bother treating everyone like real people?

So when he sees everyone else getting closer and being good to each other, it’s annoying and weird. The idea that they need to look out for one another feels pathetic. Treating abstraction seriously means it’s a real danger, and that would mean that he’s also susceptible to experiencing it one day.

And when you’ve built up a reputation over making everyone miserable, who’s gonna wanna remember you?

In a show that’s clearly all about building relationships, Jax’s destructive behavior is really gonna cost him.

[peachhcs]

i feel like she’s got to realize at the end of the day she got two national titles with the school and three great seasons that’s so much she got there that she should take the offer because it’s her future and if she turns it down she may never get another offer

the side plot has begun 🤗 and my cliff hangers have returned

au masterlist

“wow..this is amazing, sweetie. we’re so proud of you,” ellen rushed out after reading the lengthy letter from the head coach. jim reread it more closely after looking at it from over his wife’s shoulder. samy embraced her mom, the excitement not as prominent on her features.

“this is so big for you. wow, i have no words,” the older woman laughed as she looked at the letter again, but she finally caught her daughter’s somewhat solemn expression.

“you don’t seem as excited?” ellen pointed out.

“no, no, i am. i am. i just..i guess i’m still processing it all. they’ve been looking at me since my freshman year and they want me right away..” the girl trailed off a bit. she couldn’t believe a program like theirs had eyes on her since she was 18 and now they wanted her. of all people they wanted her on their team right away.

but at what cost? if samy signed on, she’d lose her last year at mich. what about all the friends she’s made? hannah? the two had plans for a house already next year. her teammates? she couldn’t just abandon those girls she’s spent so much time with? they needed her for her last year.

“are you thinking about not taking the offer?” jim approached the subject and samy flushed, burying her face into her hands.

“i don’t know. my mind’s been all over the place,” the younger girl admitted. she thought driving home to talk to her parents would help lead her in the right direction, but samy still felt incredibly lost.

“what would make you not wanna take it?” ellen wondered, her hand rubbing her daughter’s shoulder.

“everything i’ve built at mich. my senior year of college? hannah? the team? my last collegiate season with the program i basically helped build? there’s a lot,” samy rambled off and her parents exchanged a glance.

“and what would you lose if you didn’t take this offer?”

“maybe my only chance to go pro at a sport i love and have devoted my life to since i was like 12,” the brunette laughed a bit sadly.

“honey, we want you to make the best choice for yourself. this is such an amazing accomplishment right here. there’s people who see your talent and the skill you possess. remember when we were having a similar conversation about if you wanted to stick to hockey or take on soccer full time? back then, there wasn’t a pro league for women’s hockey yet and you knew soccer would bring you a lot more opportunity in the future. this is one of those moments, babe. a full offer right in front of you,” ellen said gently and samy sighed. she eyed the invitation again and everything in her mind was pulling her in two different directions.

“have you told your brothers yet? will?” jim asked and the girl shook her head.

“i haven’t told anyone except you guys.”

“maybe you should call them. they might have some insightful advice or a different perspective we aren’t saying,” her dad offered and samy knew he had a point.

her brothers always had something good to say, but she also knew they would tell her to take the opportunity. she knew will would tell her to because then they’d be closer if she moved out to california.

“yeah, i probably should,” samy nodded and her parents squeezed her shoulders.

“we’re gonna be proud of you no matter what you decide, okay? don’t think you’ll disappoint us if you decide to stay or go,” ellen whispered before sending her upstairs to have some space.

the brunette wandered back into her room, collapsing on her bed to just breathe for a second. she found her phone and trailed to the sibling group chat—a wash of deja vu hitting her back when she was calling her brothers to help her decide what college to go to. it was all so familiar being home in her childhood bedroom with no one but her parents downstairs.

luke joined the call first and then jack’s face appeared a second later in the same frame, “what’s up pop?” jack grinned.

“hi moose, hi rowdy,” samy smiled seeing them. luke readjusted his phone so she could see both of them on the couch together.

quinn connected a second later in his own apartment. he waved, “what’s up crew?”

“hey q-tip,” jack snickered at the nickname making quinn roll his eyes.

“i thought we talked about not calling me that,” the older boy said.

“we did, but i’m still calling you it,” the middle hughes snickered.

“i miss you guys. i wish you were here,” samy smiled sadly.

“uh oh, whenever baby hughes gets sappy, it means something’s wrong. what’s wrong?” jack immediately said and the girl flushed at how well he knew her.

“nothing bad..i just..” she trailed off and eyed the letter now on her desk, “i got an offer to play pro out in california,” she finally got out.

the three boys’ eyes widened in disbelief.

“no fucking way. holy shit, samy! that’s awesome!” luke quickly exclaimed.

“what team?” quinn asked.

“bay fc. apparently head coach montoya has been watching me since my freshman year and he wants me on,” the girl explained briefly which only heightened her brother’s excitement.

“holy shit, pop. that’s amazing. i always knew you had it in you,” jack grinned.

“but he wants me on right away which means i forfeit my last year at mich to move out to san francisco,” samy explained the downside.

“ah, the catch. there’s always a catch,” luke tsked.

“i mean that’s basically what moose and i did. we played at mich for two years before going pro. it sucks it has to be your last year but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity,” quinn rambled a bit and the girl nodded. she bit at her lip and luke quickly caught onto her expression.

“are you considering not taking it?” he voiced his thought out loud.

“you have to, sam. bay fc is a wicked good team. they’re like top eight right now. if the head coach has been watching you since freshmen year that has to mean something,” jack quickly cut in.

“i know, i know, i guess it’s just a lot to process right now. i mean how do i leave a program i helped build and bring two national titles home to? hannah? my teammates? my last year at mich in general. that’s not something i can just easily walk away from. it may be easy for you to say, jack because you never went to college,” the last part was a harsh dig and samy knew that.

“okay, okay, you’re right, pop. walking away from a team like that isn’t easy,” quinn stepped in before an argument escalated.

“sorry, i didn’t mean it like that,” she quickly backtracked. her emotions were definitely getting the better of her right now.

“i get it, it’s not easy. you know everyone would want you to take it though, right? that team, your coach, hannah, they’d all want you to take that in a heartbeat after everything you’ve done for the school and the program,” jack came a little softer.

“does will know?” quinn wondered and the brunette shook her head.

“i haven’t mentioned anything. i drove home after getting the letter to tell mom and dad. you guys are the only people besides them who know right now.”

“well, he’s gonna be ecstatic that you’ll be so close by,” luke grinned and the girl flushed.

“but don’t make a decision just because you’ll be close to your boyfriend,” quinn said and the girl rolled her eyes a bit.

“and when have i ever done that?” she said, but the older boy shrugged.

“just reminding you.”

“what do you think i should do?” samy asked her brothers honestly.

“you know we can’t answer that for you, pop. it’s your choice. your life. your dream,” jack said and the girl nodded.

“but if you were me, what would you do?”

“i’d remember the really great three years i’ve had with my teammates and friends and let that carry me into the next chapter in my life. the legacy you’ve left there isn’t gonna be one anyone forgets, samy,” luke hummed.

the younger girl sighed knowing she had a lot to think about in the next three weeks. it should’ve been such an easy decision for her, but the idea of leaving behind everything she’s ever known in a place that’s built her family wasn’t as easy thinking about.

[gnomeniche]

i am a eurylochus (from epic the musical) defender forever.

yes, he made deadly mistakes, but get this: so did odysseus. eurylochus is literally Just A Man, even moreso than odysseus. he doesn’t have the benefits of being a king with a capital-h Heroic fate and connections to the divine. he is trying his best to ensure the crew sees their home again while mediating their dissatisfaction and fear (getting into more interpretive territory but that could be a motive for opening the wind bag: to assuage the crew’s suspicion). eurylochus had all the reason in the world to be suspicious of odysseus’s decisions (many of them have unintended consequences!), and as a second-in-command, it is his Job to ask questions to ensure the leader knows what he is doing before the orders are executed.

and i think a lot of people miss that he has his own character arc implied in the background. he is just as affected by all the tragedy as odysseus. his changes of heart aren’t a sign of him being a hypocrite. he’s changing from everything the crew has been through, trying to learn from his horrible mistake with opening the wind bag by putting more trust in his captain. and the trust gets shattered when the king and captain decides to use his power to destroy his own people. he, odysseus, and rest of the crew ALL saw people die. they all went to the underworld. they all have people waiting at home for them. if you went into ANY of their heads, you would hear the “all i hear are screams / any time i dare to close my eyes” refrain. you need to remember this.

one thing about me is that i will always love a character who is a companion of a very powerful/significant Hero who is a) just an ordinary person caught up in the affairs of Gods and Kings and Monsters and Heroes, b) aware and wary of how much more power the Hero has compared to their less powerful comrades, and c) someone who chooses to put their trust in the Hero regardless but has their faith tested, possibly leading to a myriad of painful outcomes and betrayals depending on how careful/not the Hero is with their regard for their companions. it is an excellent character type. it reminds us that, as much as we put ourselves in the shoes of Mythic Heroes like odysseus, we would more likely be one of the ordinary people helping them and caught in the crossfire.

so, i adore how much epic the musical humanizes the crew and emphasizes their pain and desperation. i’ve read adaptations of the odyssey that make the crew out to be a bunch of idiots who ruined everything because they couldn’t just listen to their ruler. and i feel that type of adaptational decision buys too much into narratives of A King’s Rightful Power and Staying In One’s Place. odysseus can call the crew friends and brothers, and i believe epic’s version of him does see them as that, but he is the king and the captain. there is a power differential no matter what. so i love that i never get the feeling of “ugh what idiots these stupid underlings are” from epic. there are valid reasons why people lose trust in their leader, especially after a horrific war and on a difficult journey where people are dropping like flies. odysseus is still sympathetic, of course, but so are the rest of the men. i feel for all of them, and i think the musical is great for giving odysseus and the crew such a compelling relationship. and i love eurylochus because he embodies that relationship.

[lulu-spooks]

I’ve been trying to get into Hozier lately, and seeing as you seem to be the resident expert on him, what songs would you recommend starting with?

(I know his more popular ones obviously, like Take me to church, Too sweet, and Nobody’s soldier, but I want to know about some of his secret bangers)

EEEEEEEE!!!! You’re in for a treat!

And thank you for the acknowledgment of resident expert, I have 10 years experience in hozier listening and I don’t play about it.

So the thing about hozier is that I truly believe he has a no skip discography on all of his solo works. And pretty much all of his collabs are also bangers (with the possible exception of tell it to my heart. Don’t start there)

Ok so from his first album I want to highlight a few tracks, Jackie and Wilson, from Eden, work song, like real people do, and to be alone. They are all sonically very similar (as are most of the tracks on the first album) but they all sound totally different. The instrumentation stays the same for most of the tracks but I am literally incapable of mixing them up. They all have unique sounds while still remaining cohesive in the context of the album. Expect great guitar and vocals, very little to no synths, funky beats (including some fairly cool time signatures). Excellent lyrics, definitely worth reading along. Especially cherry wine which at first glance sounds like the most beautiful love song but if you read along you’ll see how violent it is.

Wasteland baby is the second album. Standout tracks for me are Nina cried power, dinner and diatribes, would that I, shrike, be, and the title track wasteland baby. This one is definitely the sexiest album. Expect much more exploration into bluesy tunes and sound effects, the beats are getting even funkier, the lyrics are catastrophic and feature a lot of references to Greek mythology. This is the kind of album that you sit at the end of the world and listen to while everything falls apart. Wasteland baby the song epitomises this. It’s the conflict between standing up and fighting the broken systems that oppress people vs the need to give up and wash your hands of everything. Admitting we tried our best and it wasn’t enough. At least I have you. The deluxe tracks for this one are some of his best work on this project so check out why would you be loved, nfwmb and moments silence too.

Unreal unearth. This one is my favourite and my being has been altered by this album in ways I can’t even describe. Every song is a grade A hit. It’s actually my favourite album of all time I think. Honestly everything on this one is worth listening to but at some point once you’ve listened to all of the tracks individually, I cannot reccomend enough that you sit down and listen to the whole thing in order. No pauses. The whole thing with this album is that it’s a journey into the underworld inspired by Dante’s inferno. Each song occupies a different circle of hell and discusses topics surrounding the cardinal sins that are punished in each circle. It’s worth searching uk which sings belong in which circle. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s a concept album but it uses the story as a great jumping point for exploring moral, political and religious topics that are not discussed in the original cantos. This album is a masterpiece and I could literally write about it for hours but my thumbs are already falling off so I’ll keep it quick. Standout tracks are Francesca, first time, eat your young, abstract psychopomp, who we are, unknown nth, all things end, first light, de selby part 1 and butchered tongue. If you want the more explicitly political tracks choose eat your young and butchered tongue and READ ALONG. I could write fucking essays just on eat your young. This album was also written in the context of covid 19 and the lockdown and songs like all things end really make a heartbreaking but uplifting anthem for this period in time. The general sound of the album is very different to the two preceding albums. Expect much more manipulation of vocals and distortion of instruments. Expect more instruments. Expect full orchestra and stripped back guitar. Expect drums that sound like thunder and lightning. And for gods sake read along with this one. Cuz it’s fucking fantastic lyric writing and a lot of it can be missed in his pronunciation. When Andrew learns to annunciate it is OVER for us all.

Extended songs from unreal unearth are numerous and you’ve said you’ve heard nobodies soldier (also very political) and too sweet. I’d also recommend wildflower and barley for a soft lockdown summer feeling tinged with hopelessness, empire now as an anthem for Irish liberation and how much it was fucking worth it despite the troubles that followed and that you are for the most year inducing love song also within the context if lockdown. Just see “that I’d be anyway that you are” which will I’m sure soon be written on my body in tattoo ink. Through the flood acts as the introduction to the full album experience, hymn to Virgil is the last one.

Anyway have fun I tried not to write a fucking essay but I did. For unreal unearth in particular I have read no less than 5 books to examine source materials for his lyricism. I also learned a fuck ton about production to understand how he gets the sounds he does in his music. All to say this guys music is my whole life. And it can be hard to tone it down. If it all sounds confusing I’m sorry I’ve been writing this for like 40 minutes and I just did a full day in the recording studio and my brain is fried and my fingers are dead and I need to sleep, where I will probably listen to ‘to someone from a warm climate’ to sleep. Bye :P

[darkwing-ramblings]

Season Seven Karim and the Culmination of His Bad Choices

S7 E5 Karim: “After my sister failed, I assumed she would send her… [scoffs] new wife.”

A terrible brother in law.

S7 E5 Karim: “You humans are vermin. A plague.”

An unrepentant racist

S7 E5 Karim: I’ve been so worried about you. Are they treating you well?

Miyana: Yes. Your sister has granted me amnesty. I have nothing to my name, but I am safe.

Karim: And… how is our heir?

Miyana: Heir? Is that how you see our child?

Karim: I am only thinking of the future Miyana. This heir will play a great role in the rebirth of the Sunfire empire. It’s what we dreamed of.

Miyana: My dreams have changed. I dream of a child who is healthy and happy, who plays and laughs, who is loved. Please, Karim. We tried to achieve so much, and we failed. But this… this dream, we can have.

Karim: You… You are asking me to give up?

Miyana: No. I am asking you to fight… to stay alive for me. For our baby.

Already failing as a father and failing to prioritise his pregnant partner’s safety.

S7 E7 Janai: Only the most powerful Fire Mage could hope to perform it. Only one person among all the Sunfire elves can do this.

[Immediate and well timed scene change]

Karim: Absolutely not. You sentence me to death, and now you dare to ask me for a favor!

Says the prince who has attempted a coup twice now, one which ended in banishment hence him giving it a second go around murdering his only surviving older sister. His surviving sister who tried to spare him in the last conversation we saw them have which he sneered at and Karim knows his partner is pregnant and under the power of. This feels like a failure as a brother, partner and father.

Karim: I will never destroy the orb while there is even the slightest hope that it might be restored.

Gren: [interpreting Amaya] Not even to save a life?

Karim: Whose life? My own?

Notably this is what Miyana asked of you! Bad Karim! More tallies go in the terrible partner and father category. He didn’t even try a political play to get Miyana support with the child etc! Come on, absolutely nothing? If your child is the future you think they are then act like it man!

Janai: No, the Sun herself. And you are the only one who can save her.

S7 E8 Karim: Inferi. Ruptura…

Janai: Karim! The spell. Light the last rune! What are you doing, Karim?

Whilst his sister, sister in law and an utter stranger who is notably  an elf not a human hold off shadow beasts on a strict and perilous time limit. Should Karim complete the spell he will save the sun instantly- the sun he holds sacred, that powers magic he casts, gives strength to all of his people, Miyana will be around to benefit from and that his future child will draw on as a spell casting focus.

Skipping a couple of Panicking lines about Aaravos coming and the realisation of him sabotaging his own Queen and sister (as someone who believes in the absolute right of the monarchy) again…

Janai: destroy the orb, Karim! Or I’ll—

Karim: Or you’ll what, sister? Kill me? I am your only hope. Kill me and you doom the sun herself!

One spell to destroy the beats and part of a speech later

Karim: [to Aaravos] With a single word I can trigger the final rune, and destroy the sun orb, and all your plans with it. But it need not come to that. All I ask is that you hear me out. [… self aggrandizing and stepping onto Aaravos’ palm later] Together, Great One, we can-

[Aaravos kills him]

Wow Karim what a great plan and glorious future that was… Miyana asked you to give up on political ambition because you’re going to have a baby together and this is what you did anyway?!? The sun was within your saving! That single word is difficult to utter while dead! Did you forget Aaravos was the one who first corrupted your precious sun orb, killed your sister Kessa who you ideologically always agreed with, killed your great-grandmother and allied with the dark magic using human mage who attacked your empire and lead to the damage you desperately wanted undone?!?

Goodness gracious, it shouldn't be possible to rival Aaravos' terrible parenting of Sir Sparklepuff but it somehow feels like he did...

[baiwu-jinji]

Thoughts on Yuwu and Update

Long time no see dear friends! :) I just finished a big work project and, more importantly, I finished reading Yuwu :P I’m acutely aware that there’re TGCF asks in my inbox I still haven’t answered, I need to re-familiarise myself with the books and I promise to answer them in the coming weeks. For now I want to share some quick thoughts on Yuwu.

1. I’ve seen people pointing out Yuwu’s problems with structures and plot holes, then again these are never Meatbun’s strong suits. Meatbun has always been best at flooding her readers with intense emotions and making us sympathise with even the worst of her characters. I think the best-written character in Yuwu is Jiang Yexue. While Mo Xi and Gu Mang are so strong-willed and incorruptible as to be almost inhuman, Jing Yexue shows how terrible it is to be truly alone in the world and the despair of emotional isolation, and how the best of intentions will turn to bottomless hatred and bile if they’re never repaid with recognition and kindness. The tragedy of Jiang Yexue is that everything and everyone he cares about has only brought him more misery and isolation. If he hadn’t cared about his mother so much, he wouldn’t have to put up with her insults and denigrations that trampled over his good will and planted the seed of bitterness that skewed his perception of the world. He wouldn’t have to be pained by his mother’s abandonment, yet still kept her murderous plots against Yue Chenqing a secret – if he had been more unfeeling and exposed her crime and his role in stopping it, he would’ve won the favour of his family and improved his personal standing. If he hadn’t cared about Yue Chenqing so much, he wouldn’t have to silently suffer the deprivation of his own resources for the sake of benefiting Chenqing, and to save Chenqing at the expanse of his own agony due to poisoning by demonic energy. If he hadn’t loved Murong Chuyi so much, he wouldn’t have looked to him as the only source of solace and salvation and bared his feelings in a moment of vulnerability, and then be completely abandoned and left terribly, terribly alone when Chuyi rejected his feelings.

However I have reasons to believe that Jiang Yexue is the author’s personal fav, because she uses the most beautiful imageries to describe him – not even Mo Xi and Gu Mang get this treatment: his eyes are like gardenia flowers in clear pools, his smile is soft like dew and breeze over flowers, his skin is like fresh snow and immaculate jade. Even his name paints the most poetic imagery: 江夜雪, which means “snow falling on river in the night” –  there is purity in darkness, gentleness in the bitter cold.

2. About Mo Xi and Gu Mang. There’s something so tragic about choosing the weight of the entire world over the love of your own heart, and choosing to be true to yourself but failing the one you love the most. Mo Xi and Gu Mang are made for each other if only for their boundless energy, determination, endurance, and capacity for pain. Anyone more faint-hearted than Mo Xi wouldn’t have been able to hold on to Gu Mang. Still, I don’t think Meatbun provided a satisfactory answer as to why Mo Xi is so unwavering in his attachment to Gu Mang, despite all appearances of Gu Mang neglecting, abandoning, betraying, and mortally wounding him. Li Qingqian is given as a counterexample of persistence in love not ending well, so what gives Mo Xi the strength to persist beyond what normal people can bear? Meatbun seems to give an answer in this paragraph: “in this world, to love or not to love is something that can always be changed, but only the heart forever remains as itself. Mo Xi has never been one to make commitments lightly, the day he determined to confess his love to Gu Mang, what he gave Gu Mang wasn’t his love. It was his heart.” So what is the difference between heart and love? What does it mean that love changes but the heart doesn’t?... Despite the obligatory happy ending, Ximang has always had a tragic undertone; Mo Ran and Chu Wanning can only hope to be as star-crossed as Ximang. Mo Xi’s name, 熄 (xi), means to extinguish a light or fire, and this word 熄 is repeated used in allegorical expressions of how Mo Xi’s hope for Gu Mang to recover or return his feelings is extinguished. Mo Xi’s own name is a testament to the hopeless love between Ximang.

3. I think the stories of almost every major character in Yuwu points to one line Mo Xi said to the emperor – 人贵有情, which means “emotions/feelings/attachments are that most precious human thing”. It doesn’t mean that feelings will always lead characters to make the right decisions or make them better people, but that feelings are the most unignorable and persistent drive behind the characters’ actions – even when you’ve lost everything and discarded your humanity, your feelings for those you love will still be there, shaping your destiny, tormenting your heart, making you care. The Three Gentlemen of Chonghua are defined by the Buddhist virtue of self-control, but eventually we see the love or hate that drives them, and their virtuous self-restraint is just a façade.

4. It is very apropos to Chinese history (and modernity) that the nation is ultimately destroyed not by an evil outsider, but by infighting and the ruler’s mistrust towards his own people and his ill-will to dominate.

5. When Meatbun wrote that Gu Mang was confused by the emperor’s carrot and stick strategy, Meatbun actually used the phrase “carrot and stick” in Chinese, which is amusing given that it’s an English expression used in ancient Chinese context. Talking about writing fantasy ancient China in the age of globalisation.