#but i took some excedrin and i think it took care of it

[steviewashere]

🪱🪱Worm Wednesday!!!!!🪱🪱

I was tagged by the lovely @hotluncheddie! Hello, I'm sorry for the rambling mess this is going to be. But I know I missed this like two weeks ago, so bear with me.

Okay, I'm going to try and be normal here. I have, honestly, so many worms in my brain. They're dancing and stomping and I'm just going fucking nuts with how much is in my brain at the moment. And also I took excedrin this morning for my migraine and that had caffeine in it and it's more caffeine than I would normally have—anyway.

Y'all already know one of my brain worms, the whole omega verse sensitive nips omega Steve thing. Which, I will plug the post here because I don't have the energy (yes, I do, but I don't want to echo myself) to share all the craziness about that in one post.

I'm also thinking about young Steve Harrington, which is kudos to this post and lots of people's tweets over on the twitter. I won't go into it, same reasons as the omega verse thing so just...again, bear with me.

But! But the actual brain worms I'm having currently, in this very moment, also have to do with another post I made on here. I want to go more in-depth with, though. So, some days ago, I came across an Instagram Reel that was a clip from the YouTube video interview between Jon Bernthal and Dungeon Master Deborah Ann Woll.

So, brief brief summary of this video is basically: Jon Bernthal says that he wants to play D&D, Deborah Ann Woll then gives him a scenario of walking through the woods and while he's walking he hears snap of twigs, and then she basically prompts him with "What do you do?" And he responds, now I can't remember exactly what he says, but I believe it had something to do with investigating the source of the snapped twigs.

Anyway, the video is excellent and you all should check it out. She basically explains D&D in a way that would make sense to anybody, in the matters of asking a player or a potential player what they'd do in certain scenarios, then bringing in the "rougher" elements such as the History checks or Perception checks in the game.

And I want to write something along the lines of Steve approaching Eddie about D&D. Maybe he wants to play because Dustin keeps bugging him about it, but he's too nervous to accept. Maybe he just wants to know what it's like. Maybe he even wants to be a substitute player one of these days just in case somebody can't show up. Something, y'know, where he's approaching Eddie. But he's really, really confused about where to even begin. He's got a character sheet, he's looking at the manuals loaned to him or he even bought himself, he's looking at all these stats and all these options and he just doesn't know where to begin.

Also, brief intervene here, I would be basing this off of 5e rules because that's what I play and frequently toy with. So...don't be mad at me if I get something "inaccurate for the time". I, first of all, honestly don't care. And second, I was not alive in like 1977 when the game first came out. And there's nobody in my life who played it then or possibly has played it ever outside of 5e. Moving on.

So, he tries to explain his character sheet to Eddie, obviously getting a bit overwhelmed in the process. But Eddie stops him. Says something like, "Hold on, okay? Let's just take a baby step here. I'm going to give you a scenario and then I want you to tell me what you'd do."

And he lays out that same, or even just something similar, to what Deborah Ann Woll gave. (I'm going to base this off of the video. Very original, I am.) So it's something like:

"Okay, you've got a small dagger attached to your belt, it's concealed within a hilt. And on your back, there's a bow and a quiver—or a pouch—of arrows. You're walking through the woods. It's dark, heavy clouds hanging overhead, moon obstructed, you can barely see your surroundings. There's leaves under your feet, gravel, sticks. But then, before you can step your foot down next, something crunches in the distance on your left. What do you do?"

There's a pause. A long moment where Steve is considering his options.

"It's a far away sound, right?" Steve checks and Eddie nods. There's a little hmph from Steve as he continues to think. "Can I tell how far away it is? Is there a way to distinct the length of it?"

Eddie maybe smirks, eyes already glowing. "Give a perception check." And at Steve's befuddled expression, leaning in and brows furrowed, Eddie continues on. "So, you're going to roll one of those dice that you always see the kids with. The D20, that's the one you'd use right now. 20 is the highest you can get"—

"The best I can get. And 1 is obviously the lowest, so the worst."

"Right! So...let's say you were to pick up a D20 right now and roll it. You get a...a fourteen. And your perception, one of those skills on the top of your paper"—and Eddie would grab Steve's character sheet, to point out the number he already placed there—"this one right here. And on your paper, it looks to be pretty high. A sixteen is what you have. So...I'm going to ask you to add three more to your dice roll."

Steve squints at the paper. He doesn't take long to do the math, muttering a little under his breath. "Okay...I'd have a seventeen for my perception check." And he looks up to Eddie for confirmation, in which he gets. "And if it's possible out of twenty...that means I can probably figure it out well, right?"

Eddie nods with a smug hum. "You're already a natural." He leans back a little from Steve. Eyes away in thought. Goes on, "So, I'll know right away, based on that number you give me that you're extremely perceptive. I tell you...okay, the sound you hear is roughly ten feet away on your left."

"That's really close," Steve murmurs. "I think I'll...I'll ready that bow on my back. Take it off, grab for one of my arrows. Poise it."

"Mmm...And as soon as you get your bow in the right position, you begin to make out what seems like a pair of eyes. From the darkness between the trees, those eyes emerge closer and closer, revealing the large figure of a sixteen foot owlbear. Its feathers are spread wide, splaying defensively. Eyes glowing, it seems, yellow and bright. The body girth of a bear, but the head and mannerisms of an owl. It trills and squawks in your face. What do you do?"

Anyway, it would go from there. Tried to figure out a monster that wasn't an owlbear because that's what was used in the video. But uh...my brain is not being original right now, so that's basically the whole example from the video. But I just adore that video so much, the simple, yet impactful way she taught the basics. And I think it could translate so well to Eddie and Steve messing with D&D together.

Sorry for a long ass post lmao

Tagging (no pressure): @puppy-steve @scoops-aboy86 @ataliagold @marvel-ous-m @pearynice

@wheneverfeasible @rogueddie @sidekick-hero

[sickly-qt]

Oooh, so good to see you back! How about 42. Sick on an empty stomach for Mila?

This isn't quite based on personal experience but it's... inspired. Since I get nauseous taking meds on a not empty stomach.

This is also a bit longer than a drabble... I hope you don't mind :)

I think it also goes without saying that none of these have been proofread...

~~~

Mila leaned forward and placed her elbows on the table, she put her head in her hands and rubbed her temples. 

“Are you alright?” The other closing barista asked as they walked into the breakroom.

Mila slowly opened her eyes and lifted her head, “Yeah, It’s just a headache. Do you need something?”

“No, I was just making sure you were alright. You look kinda rough, no offense or anything.”

Mila looked at the teenager, her name was Monica or something. 

“I’ll be okay, I took Excedrin a little bit ago. Once it kicks in I’ll be fine.” She sighed and pushed away from the table. It was about time that she started getting ready for close. She should really be teaching Melanie how to close up but she didn’t have the energy to train another teenager who was going to be gone in two weeks. Especially not when she was starting to feel like she was going to lose her meager breakfast of Frosted Flakes that she ate almost 8 hours ago. 

“Is there anything I can do?�� Mackenzie asked.

“Uh, yeah. You can take all the stuff out of the pastry case and trash it… or take it home. I don’t really care.” Mila closed her eyes and braced herself against the counter as pain pulsed up the back of her neck into her temple.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Madison asked as she drug the trashcan to the pastry case. 

Mila swallows hard, “No, I’ll be right back.”

She rushed across the lobby to the bathrooms and pushed her way into a stall, not bothered enough to close it behind her. She bent over the toilet gagging harshly, only spit and bile coming up.

“Fuck.” She whispered, before bringing up a mouthful of water and probably the meds she had taken along with it.

Mila wrapped her arm around her stomach and whined when she heard the door open. The last thing she needed was Madeline finding her dry heaving.

“Hey, M. Are you in here?” She heard Remy’s voice and sighed in relief.

“This is the ladies room last time I checked.” She joked, half-heartedly before retching again.

“Margot told me you came in here when I asked how much longer until you guys were done closing up. She said you didn’t look too hot.”

“Huh, her name’s Margot.” 

“What happened love, are you sick?” he asked, pulling her ponytail from over her shoulder and rubbing her back as she continued to dry heave.

“No, my head. I have a headache and I took some Excedrin, I guess it didn’t agree with me.”

“You’re not bringing anything up, M. Have you eaten?”

“Not since breakfast.” Mila flushed the toilet and straightened, turning around to face Remy and leaning her head against his chest. 

“You’re supposed to eat with meds so they don’t make you sick.” He said, wrapping his arms around her.

“I hope Margot didn’t fuck up closing…”

“Eh.” Remy shrugged, “You’re the manager, and I own the building. I think it’ll be okay.”

“Can we go home?”

“Of course love, Let’s go home.”

[black-winged-pippa]

I went out tonight with my parents and had a pretty good time. We stopped at Avenue to check out the closing sale. Every location in town has closed but one, now, so they are getting all of the merch from the other stores. I was able to find jeans in tall sizes, at last (something that I desperately needed, because the last pair that I picked up shrank half an inch in the leg after washing). I may only be 5′4″, but I’m shorter in the torso and all leg, so I get really annoyed when my pants shrink in length. I got a pair of jeggings in 14T and a pair of butter soft jeans in 16T. (Still annoyed when I can’t wear the same size consistently within a brand, but whatever.) I also got a sweater and some swimwear (a tankini top and boy short bottoms). With fall around the corner, I’m really looking forward to wearing sweaters and jeans every day.

After Avenue, we stopped at Costco to get a set of lounge-wear for my grandmother. She likes to feel comfortable and warm, and my aunt has been complaining about her looking like a hobo in her old sweats. To be fair, she’s been wearing the same stuff since the 90s.

After all of that shopping, we were all desperate for food, so we stopped at our favorite burger joint. I got a chicken sandwich with bacon, Dad got a mushroom burger, and Mom got a bbq burger. We sat at the front counter and watched them cook while we ate. We were all salivating over the fried bologna on the grill, and we started contemplating future orders. We just had fun, really. And we’ve become regulars, at this point, so we enjoyed a few laughs with the managing team between orders. They all adore my parents, since they come in more often than I get to.

[cloveroctobers]

September prompts — 1. Coffee smell ; Coco Cruz

Prompt from this list.

September song choice: yuna, “coffee”

•*•*•*•*•*•^•^•^•^•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

Coco usually picked up on everything. There wasn’t much he missed when it came to you. Surprisingly he was home before everybody that evening and he knew something smelled different before you even walked in the door. It wasn’t until you passed by him entering the kitchen that he latched onto your back jean belt loop, dragging you to him.

“You could have made me buss my ass.” You argued as you were now in Coco’s lap, his hands wrapped tightly around your waist.

He pressed his defined nose in the crook of your neck and inhaled. There it was. That profound scent he found all around the house when he got in, it was on your skin. It was different and not what he was used to smelling on you.

“What is that, mamita?”

You angled your body looking at coco in humor, “that would be my skin that you’re sniffing away at? You’re right you know? why would I need a dog when I have you?”

“Oh haha, so fucking hilarious.” Coco flicked the slide of your face which you laughed in response at.

You got to your feet but it took some time since Coco liked to be annoying like that and wouldn’t budge at first. Once he did he watched as you bent down to pick up your bag and place it on the counter. You spun around, your backside resting against the counter to see the man you loved still watching you.

It wasn’t like this wasn’t normal, Coco always had a way with how he stared at not just you but anyone. Everyone else became his target in a way and right now it was you.

“What?”

“You changed your signature scent, what for?”

You scoffed, “it’s just a new body scrub. Letty actually bought me a sample when she was out with some friends at the mall last week and I tried it out since she kept bugging me about it.”

Coco couldn’t be mad at that. He liked that his kid was bonding with someone else he cared about. He actually found it kinda cute that the both of you would pick up some things that the other thought they would like. It felt like this was becoming more and more like a family he deeply desired.

He got to his feet and with each step he smelled you. He knew leticia loved her iced coffees and shit but you weren’t really a coffee person. Anything that had too much caffeine in it, you weren’t really vibing with and resulted into other vitamins and nutrients to give you energy—especially for your morning shifts. So he did find it a little strange when he picked up on it, at first he didn’t think it would be leticia— he automatically thought of you. Guilty.

You took the extra time on your self care and self love sessions and that included smelling good. It was one of many things Coco picked up about you when you first crossed paths and for as long as he’s known you, this was different.

He rested his hands beside you, keeping you against the counter, “I mean it’s not a bad smell unless it’s on your boss’ breath.”

Laughing you agreed wrapping your arms around Coco’s neck lightly playing with the hair on the back of his neck, “can’t argue with you there.”

“It’s does remind me too much of Letty and I don’t wanna be thinking of her when—

“Don’t finish the rest of that sentence, I get it. But she did something nice for me so I’m going to keep using it until it’s done. It’s only pint size so we’ll deal with it, okay?” You pecked his lips, “even if I have to pop a excedrin.”

Coco shook his head, “fuck that. If it’s making you feel bad just throw that shit out, she won’t notice, matter of fact I’ll do it for you.”

He untangled himself from you to head throughout the house to find the said item. It didn’t take him long searching through the bathroom drawers to find the black pint item and he opened it and sniffed at it some more. Coco didn’t mind coffee, he usually took his black with no sugar and rarely with some cream. Letty was putting him on to trying flavored creamers or some shit but he only drunk that shit straight when he really needed it. He could live without it.

He played catch with the coffee pint as he made his way back to the kitchen to see you closing a pill bottle. He glared at you as you smiled sheepishly at him and he snatched the bottle from you to read it himself.

“You know this has caffeine in it too, right?”

“No?”

He shook the bottle right in front of your eyes with you gripping his hand to hold it steady. Your eyes zeroed in on the text as Coco read them out loud, “excedrin, migraine, Acetaminophen, Aspirin and caffeine.” 

“Oh fuck.” You doubled over just as the front door opened.

You stood up straight, “quick, Johnny, punch me in the chest and I’ll puke it all up.”

Coco gave you a look before his mouth could say what he was clearly feeling in response to that.

“Is this some kind of kink discussion I walked in on ‘cause I can leave?” Letty announced her arrival as the two of you looked at the teen.

Coco bluntly let it all out, “no it’s your coffee scrub that you’ve bought for y/n? It’s making them sick.”

“Ohhhh,” Letty nodded her head, “yeah after the third shower I stopped using it too. Made my head feel like my heart was where my brain is.”

“Could have fooled me, weren’t aware you had a brain.” Coco teased while Letty rolled her eyes and sent the long haired man a middle finger.

“Anyways, I switched back to my all time fav the OGX coconut coffee scrub instead. If it was making you feel like shit, you could have just told me, y/n. I assumed you weren’t having any bad luck with it so I figured you liked it, which was great that one of us did.” Letty went over to the fridge and began digging through it.

You were at lost for words while Coco was smirking at you.

“So, what’s for dinner?”

Coco kept that smirk on his face as he replied, “I was thinking of trying this new coffee rub steak out on the grill, what do you think, y/n?”

You shoved by him making him laugh as he reached out for you but you swiped out of his touch continuing on your way to your shared bedroom. You needed to lay down.

“My bad! I was kidding.” He called out to your retreating form until he turned to Letty, the two sharing a laugh before he opened the pint again taking a whiff, “you think I could use this on the steak?”

“Ew, you better not.” Letty hissed, “but call me when dinner is done.”

Coco hummed to himself setting the coffee pint on the counter next to your purse.

•*•*•*•*•*•*••*•*•*•^•^•^•^••*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

Continue along with the September series here.

[robinrunsfiction]

CAN I GET A FRANK X READER FIC WHERE THE BAND GOES OUT FOR LUNCH AND Y/N STAYS AT THE BUS AND SLEEPS IN FRANKS BUNK AND THEY GET BACK AND FRANK SEES HER AND JUST GETS INTO BED WITH HER AHD HOLDS HER AND ITS ALL FLUFFY

Hold You Here

Pairing: Frank Iero x Female Reader Rating: General Requested By: Anons Word Count: 2,000 Author’s Note: I’m combining this with another similar request, which resulted in a longer story! I hope everyone enjoys! TW for a brief mention of Gerard’s addiction struggles in 2004

To be in a band meant that your bandmates were your most intimate friends. Hours, days, weeks spent cramped together in small confined spaces meant that everyone saw each other at their best, worst, and everything in between. Platonic physical affection wasn’t an unusual occurrence and neither was sharing beds so that the fewest number of hotel rooms could be reserved to save money, curling up under a blanket together while watching a movie on the bus, not to mention all the on-stage antics, it was all taken in stride. 

It also helped that everyone looked out for each other, but it seemed as if Frank looked out for you more than the others. When things became hectic, or when you were suffering from one of your migraines, he’d always be the one checking up on you to make sure you were okay. Spending hours up late at night talking with him was one of your favorite ways to pass time on the bus. You’d developed quite the soft spot for the chaotic guitarist.

The band had been touring what felt like non-stop for ages, but especially now that Three Cheers was out. It had been a very long, hot summer full of meeting fans, rocking out, and if you were being honest with yourself, way too much partying on everyone’s part. You were feeling pretty burnt out, but the success of the band made it worth it.

Now it was the last week of Warped Tour 2004 and you could tell summer was ending by how quickly the nights were cooling down. As usual when the tour was stopped over for a couple nights, both a bonfire, and most of the bands, were lit. You were standing as close to the fire as you could without melting the rubber on your chucks trying to keep warm.

“Hey,” Frank said, walking over to stand next to you.

“Hey, how’s it goin?” You asked

“Good. Cold?”

“Yea,” you rolled your eyes. “I decided to dress cute, and now I’m freezing my ass off.”

“Who were you dressing up for?” Frank asked, unzipping his hoodie.

“No one really,” you replied, watching as he took off the sweatshirt. “What are you doing?”

“Keeping you warm,” he replied.

“You don’t have to,” you started as he put it over your shoulders.

“Too late,” he replied with a smirk that faded into a soft smile.

You looked up at him, in the dim light of the bonfire and you felt your heart skip, like a switch had been flipped. That soft spot you held in your heart for him suddenly felt overwhelmed, like the quiet feelings were now screaming in your ears.

“I bet it’s warmer on the bus,” you suggested, deciding to lean into the moment. You just hoped you were gauging the situation correctly.

His eyebrows went up in surprise, but he nodded. “I bet you’re right, wanna go back?”

“Yea.”

The walk across the parking lot was silent, as your hands brushed against each other’s, shoulders bumping occasionally. Climbing into the bus, you wandered to the back and confirmed no one else was around, and when you turned back to Frank he seemed a little nervous.

“Ya know you do look really cute. Like not just tonight, like all the time,” he said.

“Thanks,” you replied, tucking your hair behind your ear nervously. You were in your 20s, why were you suddenly feeling like a middle schooler talking to their crush?

“Wanna watch a movie or something?” He offered after an awkward silence hung between you.

“Sure. Nothing scary though, I’m tired of horror.”

“How can you be tired of horror?” Frank asked with feigned shock.

“Because that’s all we watch and we’ve watched almost every movie we have 100 times over.”

Frank started flipping through the stack of DVDs that the band had accumulated through countless tours. “What about ‘10 Things I Hate About You’?” he asked. 

“Yes,” you nodded eagerly, plopping down on the couch and pulling off your shoes.

Frank put the movie in the DVD player and turned off the lights, sitting next to you. You glanced over, trying to gauge what he was thinking. He glanced back and you snapped your eyes back to the tv. As the movie progressed, Frank casually put his arm over the back of the couch and you settled into his side. 

“I wanna go play paintball, like real paintball, some time,” you said, watching Kat and Patrick’s date on the screen.

“We should go then,” Frank replied.

“Just us? Or,” you trailed off.

“Yea, I mean unless you wanna invite other people.”

You looked up at him, and he was looking back down at you. "No, just us," you said softly.

"Cool," he said with a goofy smile.

You had to bite your lip to keep from giggling, but in that moment, the energy between you shifted. Frank started to lean in and you closed your eyes as his lips met yours. At first the kiss was soft and tender, almost tentative. But then his arms wrapped around you, pulling you closer and your hand ran through his hair as he deepened the kiss. 

When you finally came up for air, you couldn't help the smile on your face when you saw how happy Frank looked. "That was fun," you laughed.

"I've been wanting to do that forever," he said, running a hand through his hair, smoothing it down.

"Well we should do it again sometime," you replied.

Just then, loud, drunken voices could be heard outside the door to the bus and you both jumped apart.

"They're in here makin' out or something," Ray shouted over his shoulder with a giggle. You knew there was no way they could have seen you two just minutes before, but the joke still rattled you.

"No they weren't," Mikey said disbelievingly, as he and Gerard followed.

You glanced at Frank who was shaking his head at your bandmates before he changed the subject to something totally random. Things had literally just started with him, and it felt fragile. The last thing you wanted was to have it all fall apart like nothing happened, and be left wondering forever what could have been.

The next day, nothing about the prior night was discussed between you and Frank, but it had been a busy day of press, playing, and meeting fans. When you were climbing back into your bunk, completely exhausted, you spotted a folded up piece of paper on your pillow. You closed the curtain behind you and turned on the small light above your bed. When you unfolded the note, you immediately recognized Frank's scrawling handwriting. 

(YN), all I've been able to think about today is how your lips felt on mine and wondering when I can feel it again. I can't remember anything that was said to me because I was thinking about how I'd rather just be talking to you. I hope sometime before the end of this tour we can hang out alone together again.

XO, frnk

You bit your lip to keep from squealing with delight.

~

The last few days of Warped Tour were just as much of a blur, and when that tour was over, you were quickly shipped off to another one. Gerard was struggling and the whole band was impacted. Everyone dealt with it in their own way, and luckily you had Frank to brush away the worried tears when your brain wouldn't quiet enough to let you sleep at night. 

Soon after, Gerard got the help he needed and when he rejoined the band, you were immediately sent back out on the road. Everything felt a little brighter that fall.

You and Frank were as good as ever, but still keeping your relationship quiet. His hand would find yours when no one else was around. You'd each sneak into each other's bunks and spend the nights cuddled together. Then there was the series of excuses as to why you two should share hotel rooms, which included Mikey texting too much, Ray talking too much, and Gerard keeping the light on all night drawing, among others.

So when you were blindsided with a migraine one morning, you were not at all pleased. The pain throbbed through your head as nausea rolled through your stomach. You groaned as you slid out of your bunk and stumbled to the front of the bus, which was obnoxiously bright, to the cabinet holding the medicine. 

"There's sleeping beauty," you heard Ray laugh, but you just grunted in response. You grabbed the bottle of Excedrin and silently prayed they'd do their job quickly as you took a dose.

"You ok?" Frank asked as you slumped down on the couch.

"No, migraine."

Your bandmates groaned, knowing how much of a pain, literally and figuratively, they were for you.

"So you don't wanna go grab lunch?" Mikey asked.

"Please don't make me think about food or I might get sick."

"Do you want me to stay back with you?" Frank offered. It didn't even register how much concern he was showing toward you.

"No, I just wanna sleep and hope it goes away before we have to play tonight."

"Ok, we'll leave you alone. Come on guys," Gerard said, shooing the guys out. You glanced up and saw Frank giving you a sympathetic look before leaving the bus.

You dragged yourself back to the bunks, closing the door to the main room behind you and looked at your bunk. There was no way in hell you were climbing back up into it. Instead climbed into Frank's. 

You pulled his blanket over you as you curled up in a ball facing the wall. His pillow smelled faintly of his shampoo, but not enough to make you feel sick, or maybe the medication was finally kicking in.

It felt like no sooner you'd fallen asleep that you heard voices in the front of the bus. You wondered how long you’d been out, but didn’t care enough to check the time. Before you could drift off again you heard the door opening and closing softly. Shuffling steps stopped behind you and then you felt someone climb in the bunk behind you.

"Hey," Frank said softly, his arm wrapping around your side.

"Hi," you answered, a smile forming on your face for the first time all day, not that he could see it.

"Feeling better?"

"A bit. Not 100% yet, but better than earlier."

"Mind if I nap with you?"

"Please do," you replied.

Frank drew the curtain shut and settled in behind you. He brushed aside your hair and placed a soft kiss on the side of your neck before giving you another quick squeeze.

You drifted back to sleep for a while, and when you woke up again, your headache was mostly gone you were relieved that you'd be able to play that night without feeling awful. As you stretched your legs out, Frank shifted, pulling you tighter against him.

"Better yet?" He murmured sleepily.

"Yea," you said, not moving more, afraid of disturbing the comfortable cocoon you two were in.

“So at lunch the guys were talking,” Frank started.

“‘Bout what?” You asked, rolling over.

“Us.”

“Oh?” Your heart rate going up.

“We went to this café for lunch and I got you a cupcake, it’s in the fridge by the way. And they were just wondering if there’s something going on between us.”

“What’d you say?”

“I just brushed it off, they were just giving me shit.”

“Oh,” you said, suddenly feeling a little dejected.

“Do you still wanna keep us a secret?” He asked.

“I dunno," you mumbled. "Do you?”

Frank intertwined his fingers with yours. "It's been kinda fun this way. But I also kinda wanna tell everyone I know that I'm the luckiest dude in the world BECAUSE I'm with you."

“Let's decide later,” you replied. “For right this moment, let’s just enjoy this.”

"Good idea," he replied with a soft smile before leaning in and kissing you lovingly.

[captaincravatthecapricious]

Concussion- Prompt Fill

Jon falls out of a Kayak

CW nausea, concussion, hospital mention

Thanks for reading! I am still accepting bingo prompts (Bing card by the wonderful @celosiaa​)! Tell me a character and which prompt, and let me know if you want art or writing! The starred prompts are ones I already have received, and probably have outlined! (I am much faster at art just fyi).  Sorry this one took so long, I wrote it a week ago and hated it! 

Jon doesn’t like the outdoors.  In his experience it’s loud or wet or sandy or bright or crowded or filled with bugs or hot or spider ridden or just generally uncomfortable.  

But that doesn't matter, because he needs to prove that things are alright with Tim.  He has finally earned enough trust or goodwill or something to be invited on a kayaking trip.  

Even back when things were good, Jon rarely got invited along to these things.  Tim knows Jon isn't the outdoorsy sort, but occasionally invites him so he doesn't feel excluded.  

A traitorous part of Jon thinks that he was only invited as a joke.  But more of Jon doesn't care if that is true.  He earned that invitation, and it doesn't matter that he is baking in the heat or that driving to the lake made him carsick or that he already has 30 mosquito bites and counting.  He.  Does.  Not.  Care.  

It doesn't matter because he is here with Tim.  And Tim is having a good time.  

They paddle around the secluded lake for a couple hours.  Jon almost has fun.  He isn't having a bad time.  Tim has been cracking jokes, and Jon is having something adjacent to fun.  Not to mention... it just feels damn good to be included.  Usually it's Tim and Sasha, or on occasion Tim and Martin.  Not that this is the first time since... everything that Tim and Jon have been alone together... it's just.... Kayaking is important to Tim.  And Jon rarely merits such a heartfelt invitation.  And even if it isn't really his scene.  It's worth the itchiness, and sore muscles, and carsickness and oppressive heat.  It is all worth it.  

Jon doesn't really know how he ends up in the water.  One minute he is breathing hard, his back and shoulders burning after all that paddling, trying to convince himself that he probably doesn't need his inhaler (that he left in the car in any case), the next... he is in the water.  Life vest dragging him towards the surface... or where the surface would be if the kayak wasn't in the way.  

He cracks his head on textured, blue plastic, and it doesn't even have time to hurt before Tim is hauling him out of the lake.  

He can't say it really hurts.  Just the surprise, and  the moment of timelessness and involuntary tears when something smacks a person from nowhere.  The brief moment of everything being a little too sharp and a little too blurry all at once.  

He coughs as he breaks the surface and Tim's strong arms lift him back into the kayak as if he weighs nothing (which... Martin would say is the case).  It's probably the firefighter training.  

Water is streaming off him, and there is some sort of weed tangled in his hair.  

"Boss, you alright, there?" Tim clapping him on the shoulder, almost knocking him out of the kayak again.  (Jon isn't sure if the fact that it is a two seater is better or worse).  "Whoa there!"

Tim is steading him again.  He's honestly feeling a little dizzy and a little distant.  But that's probably just the surprise, right?  Probably.  

"Not your boss," he grumbles, trying his best to scowl despite how Bright everything is, and how he really is very very damp and how maybe jeans weren't his smartest move today.  He lets that hang for a beat.  "...Thanks Tim."  

He offers a tiny smile, trying not to shrink in on himself, like he did... back then.  

"Fine, you alright, buddy?  What even happened?"

Jon shrugs.  "I'm in one piece, I think."  

Tim fishes in the water for Jon's dropped paddle.  "Maybe it's time we head back, wouldn't want that to happen again.  I need you in top form if you wanna come out again with me!"  

His head is starting to hurt.  

Jon flushes slightly.  "I'd... really like that, Tim."

Tim hands him back the paddle and they head back towards shore, and the car, and their respective domesticities.  

The headache isn't exactly gone by the evening, but it isn't bad.  Not worth telling Martin about, although he couldn't escape Tim telling Martin how he fell out of the kayak, and having Tim show Martin the pictures of one very damp and disgruntled Jonathan Sims dripping in the kayak, and Jon in Tim's spare workout clothes in the car.  And Jon looking faintly ill with ginger ale clutched tightly with eyes closed on the way back.  And of course the selfie with Tim giving him a sloppy cheek smooch while Jon wears a truly terrible hat that he has no idea why Tim owns.  

Tim stays for dinner.  

By the time that Jon wakes up, Martin has already left for work.  

His head hurts.  Not migraine bad, but he makes a mental note to tuck some excedrin into his bag just in case.  Best to be prepared for these things.  

He drags himself upright with a groan, trying to ignore the way that the room tilts for a few moments as he gets up.  

School.  

Right.  

He's got work today.  And as long as Martin isn't there to be disappointed in his decision making, a headache is not going to stop him.  

It's too bright outside, and Jon isn’t hungry for breakfast.  Tea counts as breakfast, right?  That's good enough.  There's milk and sugar in there... that has to have enough calories to count for something, right?  It's fine.  

Halfway through class, Jon has to sit down.  Abruptly.  His lecture trailing off into a dizzy silence.  

The headache has become too distracting, the tilting of the room around him making it hard to stay tethered to the Earth's gravity.  He presses the heels of his hands against his eyelids, trying to stop the listing of the room.  

He hears a student calling his name, but he can't make himself parse out who.  And the Eye doesn't seem inclined to tell him.  

Which is probably for the best, because he is beginning to wonder if he can take much more headache.  

He doesn't know how long he's been down, but Martin is there now.  

Fluttering hands, checking him for a temperature, coaxing him to look up, shielding him from the fluorescent lighting.  

Jon leans into the cool of his hand.  

Martin's hands in his hair, smoothing away the bedhead, Jon forgot about before leaving the house.  Jon making an embarrassing sound as he relaxes into the touch.  

Until Martin reaches the crown of his head, and Jon hisses in pain.  

Martin has been talking to him the whole time, but the ringing in his ears has been too distracting to make out words until now.  "Jon?  Love, did you hit your head?  Can you look at me?  Tim said you fell yesterday, did you hit your head?"

Jon struggles against the painful light to meet Martin's gaze.  

Martin is shining a pen light in his eyes.  

Jon tries not to feel betrayed.  But the light Hurts.  And he just wants to go back to bed, and be held, or maybe have Martin bring him an ice pack, and he's starting to feel sick as well as dizzy.  

"Jon-love, we should get you to a hospital.  I need to get you actually looked at."  

Jon whines in complaint, but doesn't have the energy to argue as Martin guides him up, folding against Martin's chest, when his legs try to give with the pins and needles of inactivity.  

He doesn't want to go to the hospital.  It's bright and he is very tired.  And he feels so guilty that someone... probably one of his students called Martin in when Martin had likely just gotten off his shift and should be at home and sleeping and not scraping Jon's ass off the floor again.  

It hadn't been this bad earlier!  He's fine!  Really!  

"Jon-love, why didn't you say something?"

And Jon tries not to cry.  "I was fine... didn't hurt then."  

Martin tuts over him and holds him close.  

The hospital is just as bad as he fears, and he's pretty sure he guilty cried on Martin at least once, and possibly also took a nap in the waiting room, but when it's over, Martin shoos Jon into a waiting cab, and trundles them both home.  

Jon is dozing on the couch, because Martin is making dinner and he can't bear the thought of being farther away than one room over, and Jon has never been comfortable about the idea of eating in bed.  Breakfast in bed (Or dinner in this case) sounds good in theory, it just sounds messy and awkward in practice.  His phone has been confiscated after he sent a brief email to his students.  Martin wasn't happy that he already was ignoring the don't look at screens and don't think too much instructions.  

That will be an argument for tomorrow, and the next day until they eventually reach a compromise.  One Jon knows Martin won't be happy about, and one Jon will feel the bite of guilt over, but his students need him, and it really isn't a bad concussion.  He might let Martin fuss over him a little more than normal, but only until the extra work catches up with Martin.  Then it will be Jon's turn to look after him.  

“Jon, Tim just texted.  He says he’s sorry he didn’t know you were hurt, and that you don’t have to go with him again.”

Jon wants to cry again.  He breathes as deeply as he can, trying to draw courage into his lungs.  “Could you… tell him I Want to go?  I promise this won’t happen again?  I… had fun… and I want to go kayaking with him.”  

Martin enters the room with his phone in one hand, and a spatula in the other.  He kisses Jon’s forehead softly, and starts to type one-handed.   

“And please tell him to not feel badly?  I didn’t really notice until …well until you got called.  It was just a headache until then.  Not even a bad one.”

“Of course love, just tell me if it gets worse, alright?”

Jon hmms in agreement.  

[beelsnack]

Hey there! Love your Writing!! Can I request Some HC/Drabbles on the brothers and Diavolo comforting a Mc(GN) That Struggles with Migraines? (Thank you in advance if you do!)

Aw, thanks Nonnie!

I get migraines pretty frequently, so I’m pretty sure I’ve got headcanons lined up already, lol.

Content Warning: Mild description of vomit. Nothing graphic, but migraines be nasty.

(Side note: I guess these are kind of a mix between headcanons and drabbles, huh? Maybe I should combine them. Drabcanons? Headrabbles? I kind of like headrabbles.)

Lucifer: They hadn’t come down for dinner.

Usually, if they were planning on skipping dinner, they let at least one of the brothers know. But nobody had heard a sound from them after they had finished up their classes at RAD, and they weren’t answering texts or calls.

Lucifer climbed up the stairs leading to the second floor, already formulating a lecture. Tardiness would not be tolerated, neither at RAD or at home, it would reflect poorly on Diavolo if the exchange student suddenly developed a habit of skipping out of obligations, how dare they make him worry - 

He was just about to knock on their door when he heard a soft noise from inside. It sounded like a whimper.

He stilled, pressing his ear against the wood of the door. There it was again. Definitely a whimper, longer this time, laced with pain. His heart seized at the sound, and without thinking he stepped inside.

The human had burrowed beneath their blankets and had pressed a pillow over their head.If it wasn’t for the lights strung up along their headboard, Lucifer would have just assumed the human hadn’t made their bed.

They whined again, spurring Lucifer in to action.

He called out their name. “What’s wrong?”

A pathetic whimper was his only response, and he swallowed down the lump of panic that was beginning to rise in his throat. He crossed the room in three big strides before kneeling beside their bed. There was a small gap between the blankets and pillow, and he could see the way their brow was furrowed, how their eyes were squeezed shut, the thin sheen of sweat that shined over their skin.

As though they could feel his gaze, they cracked open eye and managed to groan, “Too bright.”

Lucifer flicked his gaze over to the soft lights strung up along their headboard. They were so low that even he had a hard time seeing anything in detail. If they thought those were to bright...ah.

“A migraine, huh?”

He didn’t bother waiting for the human’s strained “Mhm,” before reaching behind the night stand where the outlet was. Suddenly, what little light there had been was gone, leaving only the slight glow from the hallway.

“Better?” he asked softly, gently reaching beneath the pillow to wipe their sweat-drenched hair away from their face. 

“...Yeah...” they sighed, the crease in their brow easing slightly. “Thank you...”

“Of course.” Their eyes were already beginning to slip closed as he stood. “I’ll get you some water and let you rest.”

He was pretty sure they had passed out before he finished speaking. Which is why he allowed himself the small indulgence of placing a kiss on their forehead before he left.

Mammon: It seemed to come out of nowhere. One minute, they were walking through the halls at RAD killing time until their next class. The next, they were crying out like they had been stabbed, falling to their knees and clutching their head.

Immediately, he was beside them. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong? What happened?”

They were trying to respond, he could tell, but all that was coming out were short, staccato breaths that ended on a pained moan. He could see tears welling up in the corner of their eyes.

A crowd was beginning to form around them. Curious whispers and hushed gossiping echoed through the hall, and Mammon instinctively scratched his claws along the marble floor to attempt to keep his cool.

They had mentioned something like this before, hadn’t they? That sometimes they got these blinding headaches that left them completely incapacitated for at least the rest of the day? 

“Hey,” he took their face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs soothingly along their jaw. Damn all the demons that had gathered around them, he had his priorities. “It’s okay, I’m right here, I gotcha.” 

He vaguely remembered them saying something about light sensitivity. Honestly, this probably wasn’t going to do anything, but he plucked his sunglasses from where they were hung on his uniform and slipped them over their face. “I’m going to get you to the Student Council lounge, okay? Can you walk?”

After a few deep, shuddering breaths, they managed to stand. Mammon didn’t liek the way they were swaying on their feet, however, so, with a click on his tongue, he scooped them up bridal style. The buried their face against the column of his neck without complaint, and that was when he knew they were really in pain.

“Everything’s okay, your first man’s gonna take care of ya.”

Levi: It was obvious the human wasn’t feeling well. They had their right eye squeezed shut, just barely watching the anime through their left. Every time Luminous-chan started her transformation scene, they were cringe at the sudden flash. He swore he even heard them whimper a little bit.

“Why are you still here?” wait, no, that came out wrong. “I-I mean, like, if you feel sick or something, we can watch it later. You’re not even really paying attention!”

They winced at the volume of his voice, and Levi internally cursed himself. “Seriously, go lie down if you feel sick. I don’t want your normie germs.”

Another bright, intensely colorful scene started, and Levi belatedly realized that he probably should at least pause it. 

They slumped their head against the back of the couch. They seemed to relax just a little bit without the noise. “Being in your room helps.”

“Eh?” Levi looked at them incredulously. “Why would it help?”

“The blue lights don’t hurt as much, and it’s nice and cool in here.” they muttered. “But I can leave if you really want me to.”

“N-No!” this time, both of them winced at his volume.

“You can stay here.” his voice was barely above a whisper. “I’ll just...use my headphones or whatever. You take a nap.”

Satan: With all the things that can go wrong with the human body, the species should have died out a millennia ago.

They were currently holed up in their room, trying to stave off the throbbing headache with Excedrin and sheer willpower. Satan, feeling particularly useless, was doing what he did best - research.

Obviously there were no books on human medical conditions in the Devildom, so that had led him to the internet.

“Aura? Migraines can affect your vision?” he muttered to himself, scrolling down further. “They can cause nausea? ‘May last up to 72 hours?!’“ 

No wonder the human wanted to be left alone. He would be in a foul mood too.

Asmo: “You know, I’m usually thrilled when my partner wakes up looking like they spent the night tumbling around, but something tells me this wasn’t nearly as enjoyable.”

They were a hot mess. Their usually neat uniform was rumpled, and they hadn’t quite been able to get the last button done right. Harsh, almost bruise-like bags stood out against their skin, which had taken on a sickly pallor. 

Joking aside, Asmo didn’t like how the human looked. “What’s the matter, darling?”

They plopped down on Asmo’s bed next to him, letting him fuss with their hair. “I definitely feel a migraine coming on.”

His fingers paused in their ministrations before beginning to massage gently at their scalp. “Poor thing, why are you even up?”

“Because Lucifer will flay me alive and use my pelt to decorate his office if I skip classes.” they shot back, and Asmo was glad to see they still had their snark even though they looked dead on their feet.

“Darling, it’s not skipping if your brain in trying to escape your skull.” he stood, running his long fingers through their hair one more time and quite enjoying how they leaned into the touch. “Now, let me take care of Lucifer, you get some rest.”

“Can I stay here?” they asked, rubbing at their temple. Asmo giggled.

“Well, I’m certainly not going to turn you away from my bed.” he flicked the lights off on his way out. “There’s an eye mask in the drawer next to the lube.”

Beelzebub: The two of them had a routine. Friday night, Beel would go to the gym, come home, and they would hang out in their room and watch so-bad-they’re-good horror movies until they fell asleep.

Since this was an every week thing, Beel didn’t even think to text them and tell them he was coming over. They usually left their door unlocked when they were home anyway.

There was no answer when he knocked, which seemed strange. They were usually here at this point. Maybe something had come up? But they would have let him know, surely. A frown tugged at his lips as he tested the doorknob. Unlocked.

Slowly, he opened the door, calling out to them. “Are you in here?”

A few seconds of silence ticked by. Beel was about to call again when he heard a gagging noise coming from their bathroom. He peered a little farther in and saw the light from the bathroom spilling into the room. They hadn’t even been able to close the door.

Concern washed over him, but he was pretty sure barging into the bathroom while they were sick wouldn’t help matters. He carefully shut the bedroom door behind him. “I’m coming in okay?”

“N-No, don’t -” another gag cut them off. Beel winced in sympathy as he entered the bathroom.

The sight made him want to cry. They were clinging onto the toilet, half slumped to the floor. Their pajama shorts were all twisted around, and Beel could see red marks from where the human had been kneeling against the floor tiles. Tears were streaming down their cheeks as they took deep breaths in an attempt to fight off the nausea.

Beel knelt down next to them, and they didn’t even have the energy to protest when he swept some of their sweaty hair out of their face. “Did you eat something bad?”

They shook their head, then squeezed their eyes shut. “No...it’s a migraine.”

Beel frowned. “I thought migraines were headaches.”

“They make you nauseated, too.” they muttered, reaching up to flush the contents of their stomach down the toilet. “Sorry, I should have let you know...”

He placed a large hand on their back and they sighed, letting his presence stabilize them. 

“It’s okay.” he said, rubbing small circles along their spine. “Isn’t there a drink that helps with upset stomachs?”

“Ginger ale.” they supplied, voice going a bit hoarse. “I’m pretty sure they don’t have it in the Devildom, though.”

“There might be some at that convenience store near The Fall. I could go check.” he stood up, almost instinctively reaching down to scoop them up before pausing. “Do you still feel sick?”

“No, it’s passing. I’m just super tired.” they reached out towards Beel, and he proceeded with the scooping.

“I won’t be long.” he promised as he deposited them on the bed.

“Don’t get distracted by all of the yummy snacks, okay?” they teased, and he smiled a little.

“I make no guarantees.”

Belphegor: He could practically see the irritation rolling off of them.

Movie night was always a garbage fire, but tonight was particularly bad. It had been nearly an hour and they were still arguing over what movie to watch, Mammon and Asmo had nearly come to blows, and Beel was sitting on his own island of pop cans and empty bags of popcorn.

Usually, they found the brothers’ antics amusing, but tonight, Belphegor saw murder in their eyes. And as much as he would delight in seeing his big brothers get fucking wrecked by a human, dealing with the cleanup would be a complete hassle.

“Are you feeling okay?” he leaned in to whisper. They blinked hard a few times, trying to clear their vision.

“I already felt like I was going to get a migraine,” they gritted their teeth as they spoke. “But this definitely isn’t helped.”

Belphie hummed in agreement. “Yeah, I can’t imagine it is. Think they’ll notice if we bow out?”

There was the sound of glass shattering as someone threw a couch pillow and either missed horrendously or hit precisely what they were aiming at. It was hard to tell.

“I think we’ll be fine.”

Chuckling, Belphie grabbed their hand and led them out of the living room. Of course the only one who saw them was Beel, and Belphie merely made a shushing gesture and nodded his head towards the staircase. The older twin nodded and went back to his munching without any fuss, bless his big, fluffy heart.

The human trudged after Belphie, already worn out. They walked past their room, so they assumed they were going to the twins’ room. But they passed that too. 

“Belphie, where are we going?”

He stopped them at the base of the attic stairs. “Someone will just barge in if we go to one of our rooms. Nobody will think about up here, though.”

If their head wasn’t pounding, they would have asked if Belphie was okay going back into the room that had basically been his prison cell for a year. But, their head was pounding, and they didn’t have the energy to question his logic. So up to the attic they went.

It was blissfully dark in the attic. Belphie yawned as he made his way over to the bed and flopped down.

“Come on, I think we both need a nap.”

“It’s late, isn’t this just going to bed at this point?” they wiggled into bed next to Belphie anyway, snuggling deeper into the blankets as he hugged them close.

“The human doth protest too much. Shut up and go to sleep.”

Diavolo: It was irrational, he knew. The human had a migraine, not the Black Death. But still, worry and uncertainty chased each other around his skull like rabid beasts until he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Lord Diavolo?” Lucifer looked shocked to see him as he entered. “Did we have a meeting for tonight?”

“No, no, don’t worry.” he grinned. “I heard our little human friend had to leave RAD early due to a migraine, and I wanted to see how they were feeling, is all.”

Lucifer raised one delicate eyebrow, and Diavolo knew he was blushing. He had grown rather attached to the human, probably more than he should have, considering the circumstances.

“They’re resting right now.” he nodded towards the stairs. “I’m not sure it would be wise to disturb them.”

“Disturb who?”

Both demons turned to look as the human came out of the hallway that led to the kitchen. Aside from their sleep-heavy eyes and the occasional roll of their neck, they looked just fine.

“Oh, Lord Diavolo!” they smiled.

“Well, you look much better than this afternoon.” he hoped the relief in his voice wasn’t too obvious. Based on the look Lucifer shot him, it was.

They nodded. “That medicine you gave me worked wonders! Better than anything I ever took in the human world. Thank you so much.”

“Think nothing of it.” his grin softened into something warm, something he knew was professionally inappropriate to feel towards a human exchange student. “I’m glad I could help.”

[scatteredcloud]

Top Surgery: What Really Happens pt3 -Recovery

I’m on day 4 of recovery, and it’s been a lot of trial and error as to what works and what doesn’t. Like I said in part 1 and part 2, there’s no one solution, so try to anticipate what works for you but be ready to adapt if it doesn’t. I was pleasantly surprised to have over prepared because my pain level is quite low, but that seems to be the exception not the rule. A lot of the supplies mentioned here overlaps with what I said in part 1, this guide is about logistics.

Getting Ready - Day Of - Drains

-Plan to be sleeping, a lot. I get pretty down on myself when I sleep in, because it makes me feel like I’m not being productive, but what’s productive in the days after surgery is taking care of yourself.

Don’t expect to be back to normal within a few days. The way my surgeon broke it down was this:

1 week post op you’re back to 50%

2 weeks post op, you’re back to 80%

4 weeks post op, you’re back to full capacity.

This is a generalization of course, but recovery starts slowing down after week 2, which is why it’s so important to rest up during the first few weeks (especially because that’s when you take time off) You also have to get used to sleeping on your back, which I don’t think anyone actually does naturally. Weighted blankets are super nice for this if you have one, since it keeps you from tossing and turning. I have to take sleep meds anyways, but the pain killers they give you also knock you out.

-Speaking of meds... This was probably what I was the least informed on going into surgery.

This is my full list of medications and side effects that I’ve experienced. Asterisks next to what I was prescribed, I’ve linked to the drugs.com site for more information side effects and general info.

*Oxycodone- 5mg: as needed, every 6 hrs (painkiller)

Reminder that these are opiates, and appropriate caution should be taken. These made me particularly sleepy, and constipated. They also mess with your eyes, I have 20/20 vision but for the first time in my life I understood what it was like to be far-sighted.

*Cefadroxil- 500mg: every 12 hrs (antibiotic)

Obviously it’s important to eat in general while recovering, but also, antibiotics are the only mandatory medication and trying to take them on an empty stomach makes you super nauseous.

*Ondansetron- 4 mg: as needed , every 8 hrs (anti-nausea)

This was substituted for Zofran, not entirely sure why but I think it was something about interactions with other drugs.

Generic acetaminophen- 500mg, as needed every 6 hrs (tylenol)

You cannot have Aspirin, or any over the counter NSAID. They thin the blood and promote excessive bleeding. Aspirin, Motrin, Aleve, Ibuprofen, Excedrin, and Advil are all off limits.

Sennosides- 15mg- as needed (laxatives)

In addition to constipation from other side effects, it’s also just harder in general to get it out because of how sore your muscles will be. There’s no shame in it, it happens to the best of us.

Diphenhydramine- 50mg- 1 a day (sleep aid) 

-Altered mobility, what’s up with that? There are going to have to be some life style changes you make to enable getting around your space.

This is my set up:

Laptop, water, trash can, meds and extra supplies all within reach

Extra pillows to support my back

Lamp with a on/off button extension cord. I think it was originally for christmas trees but it’s nice to not have to reach up and turn the knob

Power strip with chargers

I’m sleeping on the couch because it’s 1. Closer to the bathroom and 2. My actual bed is a loft which isn’t exactly surgery friendly.

I covered the couch cushion in an extra sheet to make it less scratchy and in case of any leakage (There hasn’t been any though)

The name of the game is accessibility. I’ve been lucky to be able to move around and be up and about, but it’s still better to have everything within arms reach. The only issue I’ve run into with my set up is that sitting up is pretty difficult. Particularly with how wide this couch is, it’s hard to maneuver myself up and out

Also, get used to squatting down to pick things up, instead of leaning over. When you squat, you aren’t engaging your torso at all to reach something, which is ideal here.

Try and stick to chairs that have some sort of back support. I’m used to sitting on stools in my work area and that’s just not sustainable after surgery.

-Hygeine Full stop, you’re going to have to be gross for awhile. This (I suspect) is also why they ask you to go off hormones for awhile before surgery, because I’m definitely a lot less sweaty and gross than I would be otherwise.

You can’t shower until you get your drains out, and the ok from your doctor. This is to reduce the risk of infection and to keep soap out of your sutures. Shower gel is pretty much a no until everything is healed, unless it’s like ultra-sensitive, and unscented.(Double check with your doctor though) My boyfriend came over two days ago to sponge me down and wash my hair. Bar soap works well, because it’s easier to control where the soap goes, and it’s more sustainable. 

Do not try and bathe alone. Period. It’s not worth the trouble or pain, and you run the risk of getting things in your sutures

Washing your hair is going to be a bit of a debacle. If you have longer hair, brushing it regularly will help distribute the natural oils and help prevent them from building up. I personally don’t like dry shampoo, but others swear by it, so worth a shot. I’ve also talked to people who treated themselves to a salon visit, to get their hair professionally washed which also sounds lovely. My boyfriend and I managed with me leaning over the edge of the tub and him pouring water over my head. The important thing is to keep soap from running down to your chest.

For me, washing my face is really important to feeling clean. My skin is naturally oily, and I had to adapt my routine a bit, because my normal method is splashing a lot of water on my face. I’ve been learning to take the more civilized route and using a damp cloth to wash off the cleanser, like probably everyone else was already doing :P

I’ve seen a lot of people recommending wet wipes, to at least pull some of the gross off, and if that works for you go for it. I’ve only used them when I take off my compression vest to get some of the oil off of my chest gently.

-Your new chest Other surgeons wrap their patients up differently, but the only rule for me was not to wash the area, and that I had to have the vest on while I slept. Fingers crossed tumblr doesn’t nerf this one but this is what my situation looks like.

(CW: Stitches If you’re sqeamish, you might want to skip this, I certainly would)

The yellow sponge things are sewn on top of my nipple grafts to keep them in place, and then there are strips of medical tape holding the sutures together. Because they’re sewn to my body, I don’t have to worry about them shifting around, but nudging them even a little bit really hurts. The area on my chest went from super sensitive, to itchy and tender, to itchy and numb, to numb and tender. All of your nerves are either completely fried or severed, so even the most delicate sensations can feel really uncomfortable. My chest wasn’t ever particularly sensitive before surgery, so it’s weird being sensitive (but also not?) now.

When the compression vest is closed, I just have a couple layers of gauze pads on top of the stitches to keep them protected. I don’t really have any bandages, although I’m pretty sure that’s not the standard. The compression helps everything fuse back together correctly and squeezes out the fluids into the drains. (I’m making a post on that soon, I’m waiting to get my drains out first.)

I’ve left my vest unbuckled the past couple days to get some room to breathe, but I kept it closed the first 3 days and that seems to really help with minimizing the drainage. (The less drainage the better)

EDIT: I took my first shower in a week here’s my advice for that

Showers- As relieving as it is, you do still need to take some precautions. My shower is a stall with a fixed shower head, if you have a removable one then you’re in good shape- just get someone to get it down for you first. (No reaching over your head!)

- If your nipple grafts are still healing (which they probably will be if you got them), I highly recommend “transparent dressing covers”. Mine came in the box of extra gauze I got from CVS, but an overlarge water proof bandaid will probably do as well. They’re essentially just cling wrap (saran wrap w/e) for injuries. Theoretically you couple put them over the whole cuts? Imo that’s more trouble than it’s worth, you really can’t feel anything- but do what makes you comfortable.

-As always, different instructions for different procedures etc etc- the goal is to keep soap away from the incisions. Water is ok, but I was trying to avoid that as much as I could too. The good news is that all of the nerves are severed, so the discomfort isn’t as bad as getting a normal cut wet in the shower

- This took some experimenting, but the optimal position for me was back to the wall the dials are on. That way you can lean over (from the waist not the chest!) to get your hair in the water, without risking it dripping onto you. That being said, I have pretty thick, med length hair, so adjust as needed.

- I’ve been trying to switch to bar soap anyways, because it’s more sustainable, but personally it worked well for me. (Definitely make sure you can get a good grip on it though, pain killers can make you clumsy and it’s a bitch to crouch down to get it if it drops) My instructions were specifically to keep shower gel away from the incisions, so I just used bar soap.

- I didn’t do this, but retrospectively, keeping a clean sponge or a wet cloth on hand to get your arm pits would be pretty choice. Since you can’t lift your arms and in trying to keep soap away from your chest, it’s hard to get your under arms damp enough to get soap on, and then harder to rinse out.

- Getting out of the shower, make sure you have towels in easy reach. I’m pretty vigorous trying to dry off, because I hate the feeling of being wet, so I had to consciously slow myself down. Drying your hair goes more or less the same way as washing it, bending from the waist. There’s probably another method (getting someone else to help you ideally lmao) but because your can only really move your fore arms, this is the only thing I’ve been able to find that brings everything within reach.

- If you have a hair dryer, it works wonders for drying off hard-to-reach places. I was having a hard time getting my back fully dry, but pop that baby on and your warm and dry in seconds. 

Please let me know if you have any specific questions, my dms/ask box are always open, and I’m sure I’ve forgotten things.

[hobishopee]

“You’re not listening.”

Requested?: No.

Pairing: Taehyung x Reader

Genre: Yandere themes, 

sorry for any misspellings i took a lot of Excedrin 

-

“You’re not listening.”

Of course you weren’t listening. You never did. Sitting comfortably in the chair, you pick at your nails. Taehyung sits across from you, his dinner already cold in front of him. He was speaking for far too long which caused the both of you to forget about the food.

“These factors add up to your expense, mentally. It’s not worth it, Y/N.”

You look up, eyeing the male in front of you. He was pissed, that was for sure. Your first full name was never used except for times like these. You rest your hands on your lap, breathing out obnoxiously. 

Now it was Taehyung’s turn to eye you. 

“What is it? What’s on your mind?” He asks, which causes to raise your eyebrows in return.

Kim Taehyung? Asking about your feelings? 

“I just want to go to one of your galas. You’re always hosting and I’m never been to one.” You simply state.

“No no no,” Taehyung laughs at your request. “-Do you know how many people will be there? You couldn’t manage it. social gatherings aren’t your thing, princess.” Taehyung presses on. He makes sure to reach across and lay his hand on top of yours, his thumb softly massaging your hand. He’s always told you this. Keeping you in his home because you weren’t fit for society. 

“Oh.” You muster out. Winning over Taehyung was like killing a shark with your bare hands, impossible. 

Before, you weren’t the life of the party, but you weren’t some hermit either.  Which confused you even further as to why Taehyung thought you weren’t capable of human interaction, but he managed to remind you everyday that society was too harsh and overwhelming. ‘You could never survive it’ he’d say, earning you to agree with him every single time.

“It’s for your own good, people aren’t as nice as they seem to be.” He finally plunges his fork into the cold food. Chewing as if he never had a meal in his life. 

“Try it, it’s delicious. I should give that chef a raise.” Taehyung thinks out loud, rubbing his stomach in delight. You could care less about the cold meat laying on the plate. You just wanted to get the hell out of this house.

Your eyes snap back at your lover as his voice changes octaves. 

“Didn’t I tell you to eat the fucking food, brat?” His eyes glaze over as he sets the fork onto the table. He continues to chew the remaining meat in his mouth, but carefully watches you as you pick at your plate. 

You scoop up as much food as you can on the fork, swallowing it whole and trying your damn hardest to suppress a gag erupting from your mouth.

“It’s good.” Your statement held no truth. As lifeless as you sound, that’s how you too felt .

“That’s my girl. I made sure to have the bedroom remodeled to your liking. Did you want a contemporary or traditional feel to the room? I was thinking-” He quickly changes subject, as if the last ten minutes never happened. 

Taehyung rambled long enough for you to zone out into a headspace. His words glossed over each other as you thought about the past. You had wished you never agreed to study with him, but now you had to live with the consequences. You should’ve gone to that senior’s party instead. Hoseok was his name, you think? It was far too long for you to remember your college days. 

But that was then and this was now, a life full of regret.

[nelllraiser]

alligator tears | nic & nell

TIMING: the day after squidward was revealed. LOCATION: the white crest...zoo ? PARTIES: @nelllraiser and @bountybossier SUMMARY: nic and nell come clean to one another about a few things, and absolutely no one cries. (including the muns)

The last place Nicodemus thought he'd be in less than 24 hours after ritualistically murdering someone was folded into the clown car sized sidecar of Nell's motorcycle. His truck was out of the question. August Trudeau's blood was all over the passenger seat and he was going to need a lot more bleach than what he had on hand and he couldn't even bear to fucking consider what they had done. He was crushing it down deep inside himself, into one of those dark corners where everything else too weak and too palpable went. So, Nell's sidecar it was. At least the helmet was of human proportion. Even if small pieces of dog hair kept fluttering up from somewhere, tickling his nose and compelling him to sneeze. He looked up at her and raised his voice over the wind. "When did you get a dog? You always had one?"

Nell really didn’t understand how Nic had ended up in her sidecar that was meant for Greg rather than...in his truck or something but- if this was what he wanted to do...she wasn’t going to say no. Nevertheless, she was a little amused as the sneezes kept coming, though she felt somewhat bad she hadn’t had time to clean up all the dog hair. “Oh- yeah- I don’t know- I got him a few months ago. His name is Greg! He’s really cute, though.” For a moment she paused, wondering if this was a good time to tell him about the other three demon dogs that she often had around in the form of hellhounds, but figured that might be a bit too much. After all, the zoo was meant to help him relax after he’d experienced all the stuff that was in his worrying online messages. “But enough about dogs. Are you ready for...gators?” she yelled back with a grin as she pulled into the parking lot of the zoo.

“Your dog has a person name,” Nicodemus mused, loud and slightly entertained. As entertained as a man in the process of numbing everything inside him could be. “Sounds like a fuckin’ dog accountant.” He tried to shuffle in the sidecar but the slight fear of accidentally dislodging himself entirely kept him immobile. The promise of alligators did work to soothe him some. He hated home and just about everything there, except for the alligators. They couldn’t be bothered to give a damn unless bothered. An existence worth envying. When they pulled into the parking lot and he saw the sign, he brightened some. When he first met Nell, nearly busting up one of his bounties, he didn’t expect...this. Meeting Nell was a good thing, in the same way meeting Alain or Erin was. Most folks in town, really. And it terrified an unknown part of him. A ghost of a smile came and went as he pried himself out of the sidecar with maximum effort and minimal grunting. “You better fuckin’ believe it,” he muttered as he straightened himself out, aches and all. Although his eyes were on the sign, he spoke to Nell. “...Thanks for this. Before I forget to say it.”

Nell chuckled a bit herself, glad to see that he at least seemed somewhat more grounded than he had online. At least...for now. “Hey! Greg is a very successful accountant. I’ll have you know he found a piece of wood in the yard the other day, and now he’s been promoted to assistant branch manager.” Nell waited for her horrible joke to land as if she were a dog waiting for a ball to be thrown, eager to please. It was better left unacknowledged, but she’d certainly fallen into the old trap of latching onto someone in hopes she might be able to gain their approval. But even beyond that- she liked Nic, and she wanted to help him through whatever it was that was going on. “Also- I didn’t name him. I’m much better at naming dogs.” She was pretty sure Scooby, Scrappy, and Shaggy were proof of that. Another, somewhat snarkier smile took her as he unfolded himself from the sidecar, glad she had already snapped a picture of him looking ridiculous in it. But it morphed once again into a more genuine one, and she glowed under his appreciation. “Don’t even mention it. It’s just a trip to the zoo. And I’m- well- I mean-” As always, she was shit when it came to baring her own emotions to the light of day. “I want to um- help. You know?” As she headed for the entrance, she took out her phone, having already bought the tickets online. “I’m glad the sun came out for it, though.”

The hunter’s eyes slid over to look at her, the life nearly gone from them. Nicodemus couldn’t find it in himself to complain. A bad joke was better than listening to ocean song and torn flesh. By quite a few fucking miles. “Bet he bought himself a fancy fuckin’ tie for that promotion,” he said slowly, as if trying to acclimate his tongue to speaking anything other than praises for what the hell was in the water at the lake. “Took himself to a five-star restaurant and got the best damn kibble they could offer.” It felt...normal. Whatever this was that they were doing. Almost too normal for him and he wondered if when he blinked, the sun might die again and Nell would be gone. He’d be back at the water, chanting words he didn’t understand and surrounded by strangers. He had been keen to throw himself back into the fire, even if it meant carrying in the dull butter knife he felt like he currently existed as. As soon as he pulled back into the Traveler, he had tried to pick up the knife he had tossed onto his passenger seat. But he couldn’t. Could barely wrap his fingers around it. Then, standing between Nell and the zoo, they hurt from where he had punched a crater into the drywall of his hotel room hours earlier. “Figured. You’d probably name a dog somethin’ like Rot Gut, right?” He shook his head and followed behind her. He had never been to a zoo before. He knew werewolves and ahuizotls before he even knew that things such as normal dogs and river otters existed. “I get it and you...are. Helpin’.” He said, recognizing enough how difficult the more...emotive side of things could be. As their tickets were scanned and they were waved in, he took in a deep breath. The place was large. Or, he thought it was. He didn’t have zoo standards to measure by. “...I don’t know where to start.”

Nell’s smile dropped a fraction of an inch when she saw that emptiness behind his eyes, having seen...something similar in another’s gaze before, and it lit a fire of worry in her stomach. Maybe she’d have to keep a closer eye on Nic. After all, she’d kept Evan’s ghost around for a reason, right? To make sure she didn’t lose any more people she cared about. To make sure to remind herself not to let them get hurt. Nevertheless, she carried on with their banter, wondering if it might ease things. “Oh no- he went all out with the surf and turf. Kibble? That’s for peasants. I do have a picture of him in a tie, though…” she said, half asking if he wanted to see it without actually saying so much as that. Something about Nic continued to seem far off, like the world was slightly out of focus for him. Then again, it very well might be if his sleep patterns had still been struggling, and he’d been ending up in strange places after his sleepwalks. She wanted to ask about them, but wasn’t today also supposed to be an escape from all that? So for now, she stayed silent on the matter. “What? No! I’d name it Nic,” she shot back in her teasing tone. “Because he’s hairy, and likes to chase anything that moves.” She swore her heart grew three sizes that day as Nic did his best to return an semi-emotional phrase, and just like that her smile was back in full force. “Then I’m...glad.” Her eagerness was also quick to return as she bounced a little on her heels, watching his expression and reaction to the zoo. “Well do you wanna go straight to gators- or explore first? Do you have any other favorite animals?”

The sun hovered over them and he couldn’t quite bring himself to look at it. His night vision had been so attuned to the lack of light for days on end that the sudden reappearance of the sun had him squinting. Nicodemus reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out the lone Excedrin he had tucked away. It wasn’t Nell’s potion but it was something to get him through the day. The hunter rolled it between his fingers before he dry swallowed it. “Sounds like one of those fancy dogs that got standards now. Need that high quality dirt or they won’t even raise a leg,” he said as he expelled air through his nose. “Is the tie from before or after his promotion? I wanna see.” The back of his hand still burned something fierce and he made sure to tighten the white bandage around it, looking like a boxer half-ready for a fight. The thought almost made him laugh. If he hadn’t looked ready for a fight before, he sure as hell did now. He didn’t think that he and Nell would find any bounties at the zoo. Even if they did, he wasn’t in the mood. Both of them were fighters. A few hours of rest might not kill them. Just for a few minutes, they could just talk and walk and not think about tomorrow’s bruises. He rasped a laugh at the idea of having a dog named after him. “You’d do a dog dirty like that? Hell, be better off stickin’ with Rot Gut or Greg.” As tired and rundown as he was, as much as the skin around his bones felt stretched beyond limits, he pushed through it to smile for Nell. No matter how small. He didn’t have to look hard to know that she was worried about him. That made exactly one of them and she didn’t need that weight on her. Something like care urged him to prevent that and he nodded. He mulled over her question as he continued to walk in no particular direction. “Y’know...Guess I saw so many gators that I just kinda stuck to them, but...they got any, uh, red pandas here? Or somethin’. Always hear about ‘em…”

Nell was very much a night crawler, just as her sisters were, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t also happy to see the sun. Mostly because of her garden. Sure— she didn’t entirely know what she was going to do with the possibly ridiculous amount of UV lamps she’d bought during the darkness, but at least her plants would be happier with the natural light. Watching as the little pill passed his mouth, she bit the inside of her cheek. Did he not want to take the potion? He had said he hadn’t tried it yet. Was there something wrong with it? “Did the potion uh- not work?” She didn’t want to be overbearing, but she also didn’t want him feeling like there was a man pounding an anvil inside his head during all hours of the day. Despite that, she pulled her phone out perhaps a bit too quickly as she retrieved the picture of Greg, holding it up for his consideration, the new grin also showing a hint of pride in its depths. “This is him! And it’s after his promotion, of course. Directly after. He has a name plaque and everything, now.” Nell made a mental note to remind herself that the picture she’d shown Nic had been of Greg as a Golden Retriever. Greg often liked to switch dog breeds which...would obviously raise some questions with people who didn’t know he was a demon if she didn’t keep up appearances. “I like to think Rot Gut and Nic have a pretty similar ring to them,” she offered with a shrug of her shoulders, a glint of amusement in her eye as she looked up to him. At least he smiled, though. That was something, right? The next time she spoke, it was with a seriousness that was so extreme, it almost made her words comical. “Red pandas are, quite literally, some of the cutest creatures in the world. We’re going to see them now,” she finished before reaching out to grab his forearm in an attempt to drag him towards the appropriate exhibit. 

Nicodemus glanced over at Nell, the pill leaving a bad aftertaste in his mouth. He considered whether or not he should have stayed back. But he’d promised Nell and he didn’t want to be alone. A thought that rang alarm in the hollow of his chest. “No. It ain’t that. There’s nothin’ wrong with it,” he said with a shake of his head. The fact that he hadn’t tried it yet seemed to bother her. “It’s like, uh, I’ve been runnin’ on instinct the last few days. It’s, uh, instinct to go for the pills…” He trailed off as she pulled up a picture of the dog with a person name and leaned forward to look. “I’ll drink it when I get back. Y’know, that dog looks more fuckin’ professional than I ever have. Good on him for gettin’ a job and shit,” he muttered, almost grumbly. He wasn’t a dog person. Wasn’t much of any kind of animal person, save for the critters he spent time with in the swamps. But if Greg was Nell’s dog, maybe he wasn’t so bad. “Probably gonna get you to start doin’ his taxes, you know.” It was easier to talk about dog taxes and not the way the sun made his eyes hurt or the pain that still seared the back of his hand. Or maybe it was the memory of it that seared. He felt like his insides were rotting out. Either due to lack of any proper nutrition or because his body had been puppeteered by a goddamn squid. It was a toss up. He huffed. “Yeah, you ain’t wrong.” Then she was deadly serious and he was being pulled full force, animals and exhibits just sideline blurs. Cute wasn’t a word he would use to describe anything in a serious manner. Facetiously, yes, absolutely. But then there was a red panda tumbling off a log less than five feet in front of him and his eyes started to get watery, his throat tight. “Yeah, they’re...alright,” he said, voice light as he finally found it and looked between Nell and the pandas. “They’re bigger than I thought they’d be...”

Nell nodded along with his words, as if trying to also convince herself that there was nothing wrong with the potion. Instinct made sense, right? “Is that ‘cause of the uh- troubled sleep and stuff?” She’d never been all that accomplished at more emotional talks, but...she wanted to help, even if she was shit at it. Seeing Nic so downtrodden- it was like watching your father cry for the first time, realizing that a man you built up to be unbreakable and ever-strong was only human in the way everyone else was. Today was meant to be happy but— maybe they needed to work past all the heavier things in order to break through to the lighter times. Thankfully, it seemed they still had managed to hold onto a smidgen of the silly talk. “He’s already making more money than me which- is not exactly something to sneeze at, thank you. I’m thinking I’ll ask him to set me up with a trust fund, soon. Then I can just live off that for the rest of my life.” Did Nell know how trust funds worked? No. Did she particularly care? Absolutely not. The red pandas, as always, were utterly adorable, and Nell watched them with a growing smile of her own. How was it that such a silly little creature could make her mind go silent for a few, long moments? Make her forget everything that was going wrong in White Crest, her life, her family. Parts of it were quick to come crashing back as she picked up on the change in Nic’s tone, concern gripping her features once again. “I- they are, aren’t they? I wish I could- pick one up and put it in my pocket.” What the hell was she saying? No doubt these words were spurred on by her uncertainty when it came to what emotion was entering his voice. 

His gaze cut sideways at Nell and he nodded. “Yeah,” he said slowly. He wasn’t much for words but he couldn’t weigh the benefits of trusting anything else over his mouth. Trust didn’t come easy to Nicodemus or most people like him. But trusting Nell, in that moment, did. “I, uh, get these headaches. Hunters got these...senses, y’know? Mine ain’t all...really right. Haven’t been since I left home. And then all this other shit…” He raised a hand vaguely before it fell to his side again. Being in White Crest had pulled more words out of him than most other places. So used to the cut and dry exchange of just pure business. Talking to Nell was like pulling something not yet dead out of the dirt. Dusting it off. Showing it the sun again. He tried to warm up but he couldn’t. It would take time. It would take work. One of which was never guaranteed. What was guaranteed was that he could laugh, even just a breath of one, at dog nonsense. It was something slim, just enough to grab onto. “Gonna be a trust fund kid, huh? Start wearing cardigans and boat shoes when you ain’t even got a yacht?” His voice was coming back to him. It didn’t sound like a stranger’s the more he spoke. The red pandas tumbled over each other. Stretched out lazily in the newly returned sun. Unbothered. Unfettered to the world and its issues. They didn’t care how the sun came back, just that it did. He reckoned most of the town was the same way. And if he hadn’t been compelled, he might have been the same way. But he did care and that care caught like a fish hook in his neck. He would pull it out. One day. Maybe soon. He looked over at Nell with a slow blink. Met her concerned eyes with his bloodshot ones. Cracked but not broken. “What’s stoppin’ you? Greg could use a business partner.” He glanced at the map, blinked the slight glaze from his eyes. “D’you wanna go to the, uh, gators? I’ll tell you what happened.”

Nell nodded with Nic’s words before saying, “No, yeah I just-” The answer he’d given wasn’t really the one she’d been looking for, having told her mom about the Hunter headaches when she’d made the little potion. But she didn’t want to push Nic just yet as she decided to bite her tongue. “Yeah,” she simply finished, wanting to let him have this moment before the rain clouds that seemed to be gathering over their conversation decided to pour down. Though the sun was still bright about them, she couldn't help but feel a shadow had still been cast, though it was unseen to them, only felt in their words and movements. Greg was much easier to talk about anyway. “That’s the plan. He won’t want for a single thing in his entire life. I’m planning on getting him a nice couple of polos as soon as I get home. The yacht’s in the mail.” she said wryly, faking indignance at the exposure of her obvious lack of boat. The red pandas were too cute to ignore for long, and Nell turned back to them with a softer grin, watching them carelessly move about their enclosure. Sure, some might consider them to be held within a cage, but at least it kept them safe....didn’t it? There were times Nell wished she could put her own friends in safe places such as this, even though she abhorred whenever anyone tried to do it to her. The small smile grew as Nic spoke of a potential red panda escapade. “I don’t know— wouldn’t you rather have one of the gators? I feel like they’d notice if we took two animals.” With that she led the way to the alligators exhibit, glad to find them sunning themselves in the new sun. “You don’t- you know you don’t have to tell me,” she said, not wanting him to feel pressured. “But I just- if you want to...I’m glad to be...here for it...for you.”

“I’ll take it when I get back,” Nicodemus said as he shifted on his feet. His eyes felt both dry and wet, his muscles ached beyond anything, but he kept standing. Kept awake and breathing. “Promise, Nell.” As much of a side-eye as he gave most magic and their sometimes loose or deliberate connection with demons, he trusted Nell. If she wanted to kill him through some kind of witchcraft or wizardry, she would have done it. The conversation shifted back to the dog and he cracked a smile, let the light come through for even a moment. “Hell, gonna pay his way into Harvard and everythin’? That’s the real American, y’know,” he chuckled, just as amused as he had been when she first showed him the dog. “Can’t believe a fuckin’ dog’s gonna have a yacht before I do…” His voice devolved into a messy, grumbled garble of disgruntled sound. She looked happy, looking at the pandas and the simplicity they had. They had been through a hell of a lot over the last couple months, hadn’t they? Shit from the sea, town madness, the usual violence. She had quite literally forced her way into his self, headfirst into a dumpster of all things, but he hadn’t shut it on her. And he was...glad for it. More than that, but he didn’t have the word for it and hell if he’d say it. “You got a point. Don’t know shit about raisin’ a panda,” he admitted. “But gators? Reckon we got a better chance with that one. Get ‘em a tie too.” He scoffed and walked by her. Adjusted the bandage he had wrapped around his hand. The skin felt tender but he didn’t wince as it rubbed against wounded skin. When they came to the front of the gator exhibit, he breathed easier. It was such a strange thing to be comforted by creatures that inspired little to no comfort in others. But he did. They had been there for him at a time when nothing was. And now Nell was there, with him, and that hit him square in the chest. “Nah, want to,” he said as he looked at her. “Not wantin’ to keep it up here.” He tapped at his head. Now that it was his again, he would do as he wanted. Hell, they were both bad at this, weren’t they? He about started laughing, if only to keep from crying. It didn’t last long and he took in a heavy, shaking breath. “I wasn’t, uh, myself, y’know? Somethin’ crawled up inside my head and just took over. Somethin’ with the lake and the sun, fuck if I know. It’s gone now,” he said quietly. Didn’t acknowledge the strange hole it left. “But it--I hurt people, Nell. I didn’t want to. But I’m me now and that shit don’t just...leave.” He paused and took a moment to settle into the bench. He looked at the ground. “It’s me now though. It is. And I’m...Glad. That you’re here.” He wound his hands together, looked at her. “That, uh, we’re here. It’s a lot to put on you, I get that, but I can’t...just keep it locked up top. Much as I want to.”

Nell was more than content with the promise, even though she was trying her best not to be like Bea in moments like these. She knew how infuriating someone looking over your shoulder could be, but this was different...right? Either way, she was glad to hear the words come from Nic, and she simply nodded in return, giving him a small, “Thank you.” It would help put her at least a portion of her mind at rest, one less thing to worry about when it came to those she cared for...even if she didn’t remember making the active decision to care for Nic. Yes, she’d wanted his approval, his time, his lessons, but everything else that had come along with those? The little thread that seemed to connect her to him just as it connected her to other people she’d met after moving back to White Crest? It was there, and she knew it. Somewhere along the way he’d gone from fascination and prestige to becoming fleshed out into a real person, not just something for her to seek the attention of, but someone she wanted to give to in return. She played with dropping the conversation of Greg once more, but decided to keep it. Maybe it’d bring balance to this, and a sense of normalcy when everything was decidedly...abnormal. “Any Ivy League will do. But I know Harvard has definitely been eyeing him. You know he’d be a legacy there. After all, I graduated from there back in ‘78. He’s just a red-blooded, American lad.” Her smile was still present while she continued on. “A tie to match Greg’s. Business partners, indeed.” Watching as he fixed the bandage, she told herself not to nag anymore, knowing he was a grown man and could most likely take care of himself, even if she wanted to offer some sort of healing salve from her mom. Then it was time for silence to fall over her, not wanting to interrupt as Nic went on with whatever it was he needed to tell her. If he needed to get it out, she was going to let him do it unimpeded. As each word fell, her heart sank, knowing perhaps a little too well the feeling of having a hand in pain you wanted no part of. Of course, it had never been against her will. “It...possessed you?” was the first thing she asked, her natural curiosity and need to help already trying to figure everything out. If she really wanted to help Nic, she first had to understand. And whoever it was that had put Nic through this would certainly pay, whether it be with their blood, life, or both. “It wasn’t you,” was her next, reflexive response. “You didn’t choose that. You know that, right?” She didn’t hesitate to sit herself next to him face etched with concern as she watched. “It sucks, though.” What else could she say? Sorry? Nell knew from experience that the empty words didn’t do shit to erase anything, to make the thoughts do away. “It fucking sucks, and you don’t deserve it. To have to think about it- to be saddled with...the knowledge. The memories.” He was glad she was here? Already she could feel a warmth blossoming in her heart despite the heavy topic, wondering when he’d become such an important figure in her life. “I’m glad, too. That I’m here...with you.” Her head shook without hesitation. “No- that’s what...friends are for, isn’t it?” Were they friends now? It didn’t feel like exactly the right word, but what else would they be? “That’s what I’m for. To be here with you or for you or...whatever you might need. You know- if it helps...keeping busy always made me feel better. And- and-” she teetered on the edge of her next words, uncertain whether she should reveal all her to Nic just yet. But she trusted him, that much she knew. Perhaps more than she’d come to realize. “I could maybe help. Make sure it doesn’t come after you again.”

He had given her his word and didn’t say much after it. It would be enough. Giving his word meant something different in White Crest. Nicodemus didn’t give it away freely or easily, never quite had before. It wasn’t weighted in money or reward. There wasn’t a price point that needed to be reached before he gave it. Words like that didn’t apply to promising Nell. It was weighted in blood and for once, for him, blood meant something. It was a struggle to acknowledge it and his hands wound, calloused fingers caged together. A fear rose up in him, fingers wrapped around bone as it settled against his spine. Rested its head on his weary shoulders and waited. Everything meant something different in White Crest. He was a stranger in a strangeland. Or he had been. He wasn’t anymore. He couldn’t call himself that when he made a simple promise to Penelope Vural. Strangers didn’t do that. Flitting across the state lines, chasing after creatures from dusk until dawn. More a phantom than a man. People knew his name, knew him enough to tell when things weren’t right. Being made tangible was painful. Regrowing flesh and blood and bone to become solid again. Such things exhausted but also revealed. Sitting by Nell, speaking with her, laughing about dogs in ties. It was as human as human could be. As human as he likely had ever been in forty years of existence. “‘78, huh? Dog’ll write one hell of a tell-all book about this.” His eyes traced the grooves in the cemented pathway underneath his boots. A worm was making its way along, inch by inch. Nicodemus traced the lines of his uncovered palm absently, face neutral and eyes half-open. “Yeah,” he said quietly. “It did. Didn’t sleep, woke up in weird fuckin’ places. Time was...I dunno, it just wasn’t.” He picked his head up by a fraction and looked at her as she spoke. He knew it wasn’t him, but what he was made it a hell of a lot easier for the...squid, demon, whatever the fuck, to get the job started. It was what it was but he didn’t make anything feel...less than what it did. He made room for her as she sat, his side pressed against the armrest. “I do, yeah. Wouldn’t have done any of it otherwise.” Except for killing Karen when Jeff came near under fire. That he still would have done. Most likely. He huffed a laugh through his nose. If it had been Nell, he would have done it too. “Yeah, shit fuckin’ sucks, but it’s, uh, done now,” he said as he sat back up and looked at the gators that floated in the murky water. “Just gotta...fuckin’ carry it now. All I can do, y’know?” Carry it. Find a space atop everything else and strap it in. Keep walking. Keep running. He couldn’t help the deep furrowing of his brow or the confusion that came in at his eyes. Out of some nervous reaction or complete social uncertainty, he started to laugh. A quiet, faint sound. Strained. “Partners ain’t cuttin’ it anymore, huh? We friends now?” His voice trembled in the hollows. Echoed louder in his ears than it should have. “You, uh, too. Here for you and all that shit.” The hunter leaned forward and turned his head away slightly, eyes obscured. His chest compressed. The movements of his fingers against his palm increased until he finally clenched them together. He shook his head. Glanced up. His vision watered down. He took in a heavy breath before he looked at her again. “How’d you mean, Nell?”

Nell should know that a Hunter didn’t make promises lightly, after all she didn’t these days, either— not with all the fae running around White Crest. But beyond that it meant even more coming from Nic, a man she hadn’t even known a few months ago, a guiding force in the form of a person she hadn’t even known she’d been looking for, even if the craving for it had been there. And it had been long for her as well, hadn’t it? Travelling the world didn’t exactly make for long term friendships. She’d barely been in places more than a week before having to set off again. Even before that, people had been few and far between, not many willing to stick around for the storm that was Penelope Vural. So even though she wasn't entirely sure when or where it had come from, she wasn’t going to let this go. “I hope he does,” she added in a softer tone, emotion unexpectedly gripping the funnier portion of their conversation as well, apparently taking no prisoners today. “It’ll just add even more onto the money pile.” One of the gators lumbered into the water, as if taking a break from the heat of the sun for a moment piling against another of the large reptiles, blissfully unaware of the unfolding conversation happening outside its exhibit. “Yeah. Yeah,” she echoed almost to herself, knowing that the only way out was forward. “At least you don’t...have to carry it alone though, right?” The words were tentative, hoping she wasn’t overstepping her bounds as she offered to shoulder some of the burden, to make sure he didn’t get crushed beneath the weight of it all. In the quietness of the moment, her self-conscious nature when it came to friends and the like was quick to find her, the usual fire that colored her words dimmed by the gravity of this all, making it impossible for it to outshine some of her insecurities. “I mean- I just- if you want to be friends,” she seemed to backtrack for a moment, as if worried she was about to be denied or rejected. For a beautiful minute the fears were wiped aside in the confirmation that they’d have one another in the coming weeks, months, maybe even years if she was so incredibly lucky. However just as quickly as it had come, it departed, and her eyes fell to her hands, now restless in her lap as that same fear of abandonment began to metastasize, wondering whether he’d accept the proposal of friendship, but toss it aside in the next breath once she revealed her actual nature. “I can help because- well- you might have already suspected-” she started, as if gearing herself up. Why could she face down a Pricolici without so much as blinking an eye, but it was things like this that made her feel small and helpless? “I’m um- you know- well- magic. I can do magic.” And then, a little quieter, “A witch.”

“Nah, I ‘spose I don’t.” Nicodemus said, confusion twined loosely around his voice. He had resigned himself to going it alone. Any legacy he made would be his own. No family name attached. No burdens. Wishful thinking. That shit didn’t leave. He could leave, wander, but that never did. But it didn’t have to be heavy. He had to be realistic about these kinda things. The slightest step above nihilism. What was that? Progress? Hell, there must have been something in White Crest’s water. He looked out at the alligators. “Sure I do,” he muttered quickly, as if it were the easiest thing. Comparatively, it was. “Ain’t sayin’ no.” The hesitation from Nell kept his eyes forward. Didn’t want to risk her cutting herself off. Whatever it was, he understood. It was never easy to gut yourself and show it. Easier to gut others than take honesty to yourself. Magic. His brow twitched. “Huh.” Was all he said for a moment. It made sense. The stake that had conveniently appeared when they dealt with Lugosi. The karkinoid she had...yeeted herself through, in her words. It wasn’t something he personally liked to deal with. Superstition, or maybe just that thin line between magic and something demonic. Habitual thinking that he couldn’t quite shake. While the ‘demons’ his grandfather had him gift a quick death to hadn’t all been demons as the books knew them, the thought still hovered over him. He couldn’t stop that slight lurch in his gut. The hunter stopped looking at the alligators. Instead, he looked at Nell. “A witch,” he repeated. And she was telling him, a hunter, that. The gravity wasn’t lost on him. It pressed down. She trusted him. Him. Not even when he hardly trusted himself. “Yeah...Yeah, that makes a hell of a lot of sense. I’d appreciate it.” A cold wind passed over, through the spaces between his fingers. He shifted slightly. Angled himself toward Nell, his expression serious. “I can help you too. If anyone--” He paused to take in a breath. It shook. Goddamn it. That blood shiver from before returned. His gaze hardened. Caring was new to him, but if he could liken it to something... “If anyone tries to hurt you, Nell.” Anyone like me. He huffed out a breath and looked away. He started to fidget. “New to this fuckin’ shit,” he said, not elaborating on what this fuckin’ shit was. She was important to him. It was simple as that. “But I wanna try.”

The confusion in Nic’s voice tugged painfully at Nell’s heartstrings, recognizing that tone of voice when she herself had used it on occasions. Just how isolated did Nic feel if the concept of people being there for him was so foreign? But maybe his acceptance of her words was hope blossoming before her very eyes. Next was his confirmation of being friends, and a grin nearly as bright as the recently reappeared sun broke over her face. To think that not only she’d gained a friend, but he had as well. Even though the road might have been lonely, it didn’t mean one had to be utterly alone on it. “Friends it is, then.” Nell released the breath she’d been holding, waiting for Nic to say something about her revelation when it came to being a witch. Relief was quick to wash over when he seemed to accept the news with little fanfare or condemnation, honestly relieved that his reaction seemed at least neutral. That was much better than negative. “Perfect,” she simply said, glad to hear that she’d get to help protect her friend. “We can get started right after the zoo. They won’t come near you again if I can help it.” What she hadn’t been expecting was Nic’s nearly echoing words, offering her shelter and safety should she need it, too. And so in that moment, the realization that he cared enough to offer her such a gift was overwhelming, her throat tightening as it was her turn to focus on the alligators, and try not to be embarrassingly emotional. “Thank you, Nic.” They were simple words, but the only ones she could think to say. “Seriously...thank you.” But perhaps the words on their own were more effective than any others that could have been flowery or polished. After all, the two little words held what she most wanted to convey to Nic in those moments. Gratitude for all he was offering her, and all he’d already given her. “We’ve got each other, now. And we can figure it out together.”

[blehbleehhhh]

Five Years Later (ft. EreMika💘)

Hey, Rock You Like A Hurricane anon! I’ve been sitting on this one for ages so it feels good to publish it. #sorryittookme5yearstowritelmao

PS: Please don’t be afraid to send in more requests! :)

The sound was loud and obnoxious following a stench of gasoline that overwhelmed Mikasa's senses, making her already angry migraine throb painfully as she sits in the car listening to music before school. That's when the thorn in her side roared into the empty parking space before her, just as Rock You Like A Hurricane blasted through her car speakers. It was a kowasaki motorcycle and its owner refused to wear his helmet out of clear defiance, so the result was a sexy windswept look. Mikasa hides that she's blatantly staring at this handsome young man behind her aviator sunglasses while he stabilizes his bike and runs a hand through his head of shaggy, chocolate brown hair. She finds herself feeling envious that his shirt gets to be so close to such a deliciously lean yet muscular body and, when he stands up to rummage through the trunk, she gets an appreciation of how cute his butt is in those jeans. Her eyes scan up in time to catch a glimpse of washboard abs when he slips into a black zip up hoodie. They seem to have been chiseled by the gods just like his jawline which is balanced out perfectly with a slender, clean shaved face. Emerald green eyes? How rare! But the only one she has ever known with piercing eyes like those moved away years ago. It can't be. It was almost as if her hand moved on its own accord to open the car door and she was already feeling exceedingly anxious when it slammed shut behind her. "Uh, Eren?" She approached him hesitantly, still unsure if this is who she believes him to be. "Eren Jaeger?" Everything seems to freeze around them as he slowly scans her over. Hell, Eren could recognize that angelic voice from anywhere. He knows precisely who this beautiful woman is that stands before him, and she looks nothing like the demure young girl he used to know. That Mikasa wouldn't have been caught dead wearing a crop top, pristinely white vans, and tight skinny jeans that extenuate slender long legs. Not that he's complaining, though he does wish she wouldn't draw so much attention to herself because even his mind has begun to picture them wrapped around his waist. Raven colored hair only comes to her shoulders now instead of down her back and seems to be a current nuisance because it stubbornly insists on falling in her face. Absolutely stunning. Yes, she's a natural, timeless beauty who wears no makeup and has a tiny, barely noticeable piercing on her right nostril that's very flattering to such a petite face. One that he could easily gaze at all day.

"Hey." Eren's voice is so deep and smooth to her ears, that she can’t help but respond with an adorably awestruck face. He flashes his signature smirk as he watches her shyly tuck stray hairs behind her ear. How cute. "It's been five years." He maneuvers himself to stand once more and was surprised to see her lightly blushing, possibly at how tall he has gotten over the years.

"Nice bike." She smiles, nodding as if gesturing behind him.

"Yeah, thanks."

"What are you doing here? I thought you guys moved."

"Dad got a good job nearby, so we moved back here."

"Oh." Mikasa replies softly and adjusts the strap of her low hanging purse. His eyes remain glued on hers as he reaches into his back pocket for a box of cigarettes and removed one with his teeth, then stuffed the box back in his pocket. "You're, um," She smiles at his smirk as she watches him light the cigarette. "You aren't supposed to smoke on school grounds.." But it was clear that he wasn't anywhere near concerned, since he simply took a seat on his motorbike and flashed his trademark grin. He gives the end of his cigarette a light tap, sending excess ash into the breeze to be scattered across the pavement as he blows a puff of nicotine laced smoke away from her face.

"I genuinely do not give a shit what the school rules are."

"Color me surprised. What happened to you anyway? You're so different now."

"And you're not? Never pictured someone like you with a nose piercing," Eren snickers, shaking his head slowly as he draws from his cigarette. "Why do you care that I’m different anyway? You're the one who said that you wanted nothing to do with me."

"You're damn right I did! You were a jerk!" Mikasa hisses under her breath and watches him blow smoke away from her face once more. "I got tired of being treated like a doormat. Besides, I tried to mend things but if you recall, you were the one who shut me down." She narrows her eyes and he smirks remembering back to almost three years ago, where she had reached out to his old number but he ignored it. And he isn't even sure why.

"Know what? You're awful pretty when you want to kick my ass."

"I must be breathtaking then! Why do you look so amused?!"

"Probably because I am and yeah," Eren smirks as he drops his cigarette on the pavement and squishes it with his beat up converse, looking up into her eyes from where he sits on his motorcycle. They've softened considerably. Not what he intended, but this works. "You are very breathtaking." His words made her blush lightly, complimenting the widened gray orbs and cute tiny smile.

"Your, uh, your first period," She gestured at the school with a nod. "What is it?"

"Why?"

"Are you stupid? Because you don't know where you're -"

"I wasn't planning on staying."

"Oh." Mikasa nervously bites her lip and sighs as she holds her books to her chest. She turns to walk away wishing that she had taken the second excedrin, only to be stopped with a firm hand on the shoulder that prompted her to turn her head. Is he blushing?

"Wait."

"What?"

"Meet me tonight?" Eren looked so cute - smiling with bright eyes full of that same fire she remembers those emeralds having when he was a lionhearted young boy. He sticks his hands into his front pockets and she desperately wishes that she could catch this on film because it's so rare to see him bashful. Though her mind is abuzz from his sudden and welcomed affections, she decided that it would be fun if she toyed with him a little bit to make him work for it. After all, she has chased long enough, and now it was his turn to do the chasing.

"Why?" Mikasa grins as her eyes briefly flickered to his body, then to his incredible emerald orbs and dreamy smile. "You actually want to spend time with me now?" She found it highly amusing when he replied with a familiar laugh that's just as deep and smooth as his normal voice, and something that she has missed greatly over the years. He looks away for a moment like he wants to crawl under a rock and she wonders if things have already gone too far.

"Sure, why not?" Eren knows her all too well to not have seen this coming, where she subtly bats her long eyelashes at him while she waits for his response and bites her lower lip. He should have figured that she might be a tease and play hard to get.

"I'm sorry, but I already have plans." Her eyes wander shamelessly to his lips and she flashes a beautiful, toothy grin. Even though he had just been rejected, he honestly couldn't help but smile whenever she does, which used to irritate the hell out of him. If he were irritated, he would have tried to stop her somehow, but that's not what happened. She wants to look back and check if he's still watching, but her attention is now on with her best friend Sasha.

"Skip 'em!" Eren hollers between his hands and he smiles to himself as they fell awkwardly to his sides. He takes a seat on his motorcycle like he was ready to leave and found himself to be fighting the thoughts he has of her a lot less now. To say that he's looking forward to this little game of hers would be an understatement.

"Oh my god!" Sasha exclaims having recognized almost immediately who the young man was that's trying to pick up her best friend. "Oh my god, i-is that?"

"Yeah," Mikasa blushes and glances over her shoulder, helplessly smiling now that she’s seen him sitting on his motorcycle with his arms crossed on his chest, still watching her with a smirk. "Eren Jaeger is back.." She turns to her friend once more and just laughs at Sasha's knowing smile. It was later after school when Mikasa returned to her little car that she discovered an empty gum wrapper with what she presumes to be Eren's phone number scribbled on it, cleverly jammed underneath one of her windshield wipers. However, she was torn on whether she wanted to wait or text him some other time, which followed her long after she was on the other side of her bedroom door and laying in bed with the wrapper in her hand. She smiles to herself as she rolls onto her side and places the wrapper on the bed, staring out the window thinking through the encounter she had with Eren this morning. Oh god, it's already happening again, I can't stop thinking about him! She groans and covers her face with her hands as his handsome face continues to come to mind. These thoughts became distracting for her and made homework more annoying than usual, but she slept peacefully for the first time since he had moved away five years ago.

Eren wasn't even at school the next morning and she was admittedly disappointed after dreaming of starting over with him. Actually, he wasn't there often at all until Friday came along and he stayed the entire day, leading her to believe that Carla may have gotten wind of her rebellious son already skipping school. The estranged friends have a few classes together and constantly manage to catch each other's eyes either during Chemistry, Calculus, or moving between classes throughout the day. Mikasa wanted to make him wait until Monday, but now that it’s passed nine at night, she’s not so sure she can do that after such genuinely fun, flirty exchanges with him today. She chews on her lower lip and grabs his number from the top of her nightstand, then drops on the bed as she opens a new message to type out a simple greeting. She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes when she presses send, knowing that all she can do now is wait. And while she was, her eyes had fluttered shut during a binge watch on Hulu, falling asleep almost immediately with thoughts of her day, having Eren back, and how much it truly meant that they're speaking again. The next morning, Mikasa wakes with a start and felt briefly irritated with herself for falling asleep so early. She pushes the home button on her phone and gasps excitedly to see that he had responded over night, about two hours after she fell asleep.

Eren: Miks?

Her heart jumped into her throat because he is the only person who calls her that. She smiles as she gently rubs her tired eyes, bringing the keyboard up so she can reply.

Mikasa: Yeah, it's me

Eren: Good morning, beautiful ;)

Mikasa: :) Did you still want to hang out..?

Eren: Fuck yes. Think your dad will have a cow to watch you ride off on a motorcycle?

Mikasa: Hahha, no, my dad is pretty cool. Don't you remember?

Eren: Idk, I always thought he'd be different when you started dating.

Mikasa: No, he's pretty much the same goofy guy he's always been :)

Eren: Cool. I'll pick you up at six?

Mikasa: Okay! I'm so excited :)

She sits her phone down beside her with its screen on and brought both hands up to cover her face, letting out a muffled scream of excitement. Then a small vibration on the bed caught her attention and made her look down.

Eren: Yeah, me too :) See you later.

Mikasa smiles at the jittery sensation coursing through her body, exactly how she felt after she once drank three mugs of coffee for a migraine. She searches through her contacts for Sasha's number to share the unbelievable news that she's going on a date with the one guy she has been head over heels for since they were children. The entire day dragged on knowing that Eren would be there later that evening to take her out. Is he going to kiss me? Oh my god! I don't know how to do that! She pulls up on the belt loops of her skinny jeans and gave her tank top that's neatly tucked behind the waistband a gentle tug until it barely hung over the front. Her mind raced while she got ready, and she was constantly checking the clock display on her lock screen. Mikasa examines the hour long result of her hard work in the bathroom mirror, though all she did was blow dry and straighten her hair, she feels satisfied with the results. Suddenly, the familiar obnoxious sound of a motorcycle echoed throughout the neighborhood and her heart rate skyrockets. "Dang! Dang!" She mumbles to herself, jumping around on one leg as she zips the side of her ankle bootie, then hurried out of her bedroom and practically ran downstairs, where she was greeted by her parents while they catch up on their show.

"Hi, ladybug," Came her mother's melodic voice from the living room. "Where are you off to?"

"I have a date."

"A date?" Her father asks. "With who?"

"Do you guys remember Eren?" Mikasa smiles and her parents looked at each other with a knowing grin before turning to their teenage daughter. They've seen this day coming for years. "Well, I have to go. He's waiting for me in the driveway. Love you guys!"

"Love you too sweetheart!" They hollered in unison and she rushes to leave, though she closed the door behind her carefully so it didn't slam. She sticks her key into the lock and the motorcycle revved playfully nearby, which only made her excited heart beat faster. Mikasa turns with a wide smile as she walks down the porch steps and was thrilled to see him already sporting that signature smirk she's been obsessed with for years. She smiles and pushes her fingers through her hair, twirling it absentmindedly.

"Hi.."

"You look fantastic, baby."

Her heart jumped.

"Wow, I love it when you call me that."

"Good, because I'd like to start calling you that now." Eren smirks as he reaches behind him to grab the helmet sitting on the seat and held it up to her. She smiles and rolls her eyes. "Humor me and put this on?" But she only gives a slow head shake and places her hands on her hips, something that he seems to find amusing if she's reading him correctly.

"Not if you aren't wearing one."

"Don't be stubborn."

"Okay, I know you want me to be safe and all, but I'm not wearing a helmet if you aren't going to wear one." Mikasa raised an eyebrow in irritation with how his face remains annoyingly amused. "God dammit! Stop looking at me like that!" She blushes when he responds with a laugh and tapped his fingerstips on the helmet. It's better than firing back at me.

"You're cute."

"Eren, I swear to god."

"Alright, alright, look. I only brought the one helmet, okay?" Eren offers it to her once again and smirks when she starts losing the fight against her grin, then takes the empty seat behind him as she slides the helmet over her head. It's difficult, but he manages to conceal the smile when she wrapped her arms around him for the first time in years. "Put your damn helmet on, hot stuff."

"It's on, it's on!" Mikasa giggles over the revving motorbike and tightly squeezes his waist as he turns in the wide driveway to take off the other direction. She still can't believe that he came back to her, and much more mature than when he left. The addition of how receptive he is to her affections and initiating something flirtatious is a wonderful addition. She knows him all too well not to notice these little touches to her hands at stop lights, since they barely touched before he left except for a few hugs where they lingered a little longer than normal. After ten minutes of breathing in his heavenly cologne and watching their little hometown go by, they finally pulled into an empty space at the park. Mikasa smiles as the bike is stabilized and carefully removed her helmet, shiny raven hair catching a light breeze. "The park?"

"Don't judge just yet. I'm not a complete douche bag." Eren briefly looks over his shoulder and smiles, then he stands up to offer her a hand. The immediate light blush on her cheeks was endearing to say the least and she smiles shyly as she takes his hand so he can help her to her feet.

"I didn't say you were one."

"Actually, you have managed to call me a douchebag at least twice since we started talking again. And hey," He pulls her right into his arms and smiles at her contagious giggle. "I love you." Though he wasn't expecting her jaw to actually drop, he shouldn't be too surprised given their sometimes explosive past.

But now they're starting over.

"I love you too.."

"That's good, otherwise this would be extremely awkward." Eren snakes his arms around her waist and smiles as she cradles his face in her hands. He held her close as they shared their first kiss and the already palpable sexual tension became all the more apparent. And when she pulled away, he found himself to be craving more of those sweet kisses. "Fuck, now I have to go to school just to make sure nobody is making moves on my girl."

"Eren Jaeger," Mikasa grins and lightly rubs her thumbs across the dimples on his cheeks. "Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?"

"I think so?" He chuckles and nods his head, then released her from their embrace to take her petite hands in his. "That was my intention at least."

"It's about time. I’d love to be your girlfriend." Mikasa smiles and her cheeks grow hot as he sweetly kisses the tops of her hands. "Now, tell me why we're at the park when the sun is going to set in the next few hours!" She bounces twice on her feet and allowed herself to be gently pulled forward by the hand so they can stroll away together.

"I haven't managed to get a job yet since I've only been back for, like, maybe a month, so I can't afford to take you anywhere nice at the moment -"

"But you know I don't care about anything like that..."

"Miki, just shut up and appreciate how much of a secret hopeless romantic I am." Eren smiles and pulls his girl closer to cover her eyes with both hands. They soon come up on the tree where he has set up a McDonald's bag on a large quilted blanket underneath. It's the same tree that they used to play under and chase each other around as young children until they grew out of such activities. When they were finally close enough, he uncovered her eyes and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind. "Do you remember coming here?" He whispers in her ear and rests chin on her shoulder, smiling to himself when she gasps softly into her hands.

"What a silly question, of course I do." Mikasa smiles as he kisses the side of her neck. "McDonalds doesn't bother me, though, seriously. You're way too hard on yourself."

"Don't sound so surprised."

"I'm not surprised at all."

"The minute I can afford to, though," Eren smiles and moves back to spin her around so he can see those beautiful eyes once more, then gently cradled her cheeks in his hands. "I'm going to take you to the best restaurant in town." And before either knew what hit them, their lips were colliding once more in a loving kiss that's much drier than the first they shared five minutes ago back at the bike. His hands fall from her cheeks to take one of hers and he laced their fingers together as she pulls her lips away, bringing the top of her hand to his smirk for a kiss. She smiles wide and reaches up to push long brown hair away from his forehead, then bites her lip with a look of longing.

"I love the shaggy look.."

"Yeah?"

"Oh, come on, surly you're aware of how handsome you are..." Mikasa smiles as he leans in to plant a kiss on her lips and lightly squeezed his hand. "So, can we eat now? I'm starving." And together they sit on the large blanket Eren brought, one with his back against the wide tree trunk, and the other sitting in his lap while they eat together. The young couple catch up on life, sharing what the other has missed during their time apart. It wasn't long until she was laying on her back with her head in his lap while one of his hands rests on her cheek, lightly stroking soft milky skin with his thumb. The sun's evening rays dance across her face as leaves rustle in the trees from a gentle breeze. "I've really missed you, Eren.." Mikasa smiles as his thumb swipes across her lower lip and gives it a soft kiss that made him chuckle.

"I missed you too. I'm sorry I treated you like shit."

"I forgive you."

"Just like that?" He raises an eyebrow and smiles when she reaches up to gently touch his cheek.

"Just like that. I mean, as long as you keep being good and don't go back to treating me like crap," Mikasa offers a small smile and it seems to settle the two teens because they both know that he's a man of his word. "And we're good." She gently moves her hand up into his hair, which is easily just as soft as she remembers from the very few times he had actually let her touch it. For some reason he isn't certain of, Mikasa's touch even in the simplest context has always make him feel like he's going to lose control, and it used to irritate him. Especially when he couldn't keep his heart rate under control. But now he doesn't care, perhaps it's because he has made peace with these feelings she elicits.

"God, you're so fucking gorgeous."

"Thank you.." Mikasa smiles and maintained his gaze while she gracefully moves on all fours to crawl in his lap, straddling the hardening length that hides in his jeans. Both teens blush redder than a tomato. "Wow, I never imagined that I'd get to do this." She bites her lip and chuckles in disbelief as he wraps his arms around her waist, then leans in to plant a deep, sensual kiss on her lips. She rests her hands on his chest as they continue to kiss and happily allows him to sit forward with her pressed flush against his solid form. Mikasa wraps her arms around his neck and their kissing immediately grows hungry, even while she was being carefully laid on her back. She captures his waist with her legs in the hopes that he would get the hint that she's definitely interested in proceeding further and he caught on rather quickly. Possibly because he's so much more aware of her affectionate ways.

"What do you want from me?" He removes her hands from his hair and laces their fingers together, then carefully pins her hands to the ground.

"Honestly? I just want to be with you..." Mikasa smiles sweetly as their lips meet once more in a steady, eager pace and squeezed his waist with her legs. It's true. It's what she's dreamed of since she fell hard for him all those years ago, though the thought never crossed her mind that she would get to do this with him. But here she is, willingly pinned to the blanketed grass by the only guy she's ever had her heart set on. She sighs softly into his mouth and pulls her lips away just enough to say: "But you absolutely must quit smoking."

"That's fine," He smiles and gently rubs his nose alongside hers. "I'll just focus on my newest addiction."

"Oh!" Mikasa giggles into the sudden deep, kiss that made the two teens long for more. "That's me, isn't it?" She bites her lip and he chuckles, rolling his eyes before proceeding to bury his face in the side of her neck, deliciously exposed from red fabric. He leaves kisses across her skin and his hand abandons hers to slowly rub across her stomach where the fabric of her jeans begins. She shudders slightly from his touch and reaches down to guide his warm hand beneath her shirt, then pushes it further up gradually until his fingers were gliding over her lacy bra. Mikasa moans softly as she makes him gently squeeze her breast and it causes a familiar stir below the belt for the young man. He pulls away quickly because he needs relief, but was truly surprised that she wanted to do something so private out in public. But it's that look in her eyes telling him that there are absolutely no signs of hesitation, because she wants him as much as he wants her.

"Are you sure you want to do this here? We can find a bed, you know."

"But with the moonlight - it's so romantic," Mikasa bites her lower lip and blushes. "Besides, there's a blanket down, I'll be okay." She smiles as their lips collide, then allowed him to push her shirt up over her bra covered breasts while she reaches between them and fumbles with his belt. He smirks against her lips and lets his kisses wander down her chin, then her neck, only to pleasantly be buried roughly in the valley between her breasts. She moans her appreciation as he bathes her milky mounds in kisses, carefully working a hand past his boxers to touch the length inside. He groans at the welcomed surprise and frees her breasts from only the cups of her bra, then pressed his lips to her nipple. She hums happily as he takes it into his mouth and suckles gently, paying careful attention to how her body responds to his touch. It seems obvious that she prefers the soft, attentive touches the most, at least for now. He chuckles when he feels her pulling down on his belt and jeans, then slowly removed his lips off of her now perky nipple.

"Anxious are we?"

"No, more like excited.." Mikasa smiles as she watches him sit up on his knees to help free one leg from her jeans and panties, then pushed them half way down the other. "I've been thinking about this moment for a long time, you know." She watches in amusement and the most adorable blush as he pushes everything to his knees, making his erection spring out full strength. She reaches for his shirt to pull him down on top of her and they both smile as their lips collide in a slow steady pace. He reaches down between her thighs to play with her wetness, his fingers slow and gentle as they rub flat on her clit. Mikasa moans into his mouth as her hand wanders to stroke the hot length. The sensations of having someone else touch them somewhere so private was lovely to say the least and they're both certain this will be happening frequently from now on. Once he was satisfied with how sufficiently wet she is, he pulls his hand away and wipes what remains of her on the sensitive head of his length, then carefully presses himself to her slit. She wraps her legs around his waist and gently nibbles on his lower lip as he slowly presses inside and was pleased when her kisses grew much quicker in pace. It's the first time for both, and their hearts are racing excitedly. She squeals softly in discomfort and he stops completely when he begins to taste the saltiness of her tears. He gently cradles her cheeks as he softly kisses her tears away and she smiles up at him, giving a small nod to proceed. He raises his eyebrow and she understands that he's concerned about continuing if it's going to hurt, but she insists.

"You're so beautiful," He smiles, giving her lips loving, tender kisses that did seem to settle her considerably. "I mean it, I haven't even seen you in five years and you still managed to take my breath away. It's rude, really." He chuckles, her soft giggle assuring him that she's coping with the temporary pain and discomfort. They continue to kiss and he slowly pushes in deeper, making her moan pleasurably this time around much to his relief. She kisses him hard and he happily lingers inside because there really isn't any rush, they have plenty of time before he has to take her home. He has no problem laying here and kissing her as she adjusts to that new fullness she has. Her kisses eventually slow and she was grinding against him sensually. That was his cue, and his hips retreat only slightly before he slowly pushes back inside, then he repeats the steady pace that wasn't too fast or too slow, just perfect for their first time. Moonlight, stars, could it be any more romantic? Mikasa pulls her lips away and gazes up at him as she returns his thrusts. Her hands slide up into his hair and they study each other's eyes intently as their rapid breaths continue to be shared between their lips and occasional tender kisses.

"Faster..." She moans louder as she's given what she desires and he smirks, then pressed his lips to hers to swallow her moans. It wasn't long until he made her climax and he was moving slower to draw it out. Mikasa smiles against his lips as their kisses grow rough with need and he starts up again, making her moan loudly into his mouth. He gives his girl exactly what she wants and humps her faster to quickly bring her to another orgasm. Eren smirks inwardly when he feels her insides quiver and groans in approval, pulling out just in time to drain his pulsating erection across her abs. She giggles excitedly as he pulls away and carefully readjusted her bra so her snowy breasts are nestled behind the cups. "Did we really just have sex?" Her smile widens as she reaches for the McDonald's bag to get a napkin that he immediately took from her.

"I can't let you clean up the mess that I left on you, I'm not a pig."

"No you're not, quite the opposite actually," Mikasa smiles as he carefully swipes the napkin across her stomach to clean off his goop. "And actually, now that we're hanging out, you definitely haven't changed that much. At least around me."

"Nope, and neither have you. Though I gotta say the little piercing is really sexy on you."

"Really? My ears are still pierced, too. I'm thinking about getting my cartilage done next."

"I support that." Eren smirks as he helps her into the other pant leg, then turns his attention to tucking away his satisfied length. He watches her wiggle around on her back into her jeans and fasten them, then she sits up quickly to crash her lips against his. I can definitely get used to this. He wraps an arm around her and smirks, his fingers pushing carefully through her hair to keep it back. She smiles and continues to kiss him because it truly feels so good to finally be able to do so. "Damn, I could kiss you all day."

"Me too..." Mikasa smiles as their lips meet again and they kiss enthusiastically. It's the start of something new, that much is clear, and they can't wait to see what the future has in store.

[hobohumanitarian6]

This is a long post so please be warned!!! I need to get some things off my chest....

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING POSSIBLE⚠️

Feedback to this post is open-ended. You cannot offend me and will not be blocked.

⭐ So here's the thing: one of my late grandmother's friends just posted that her 29 year old son died in his sleep with seemingly no explanation. This really shook me I guess. For one, I used to hang out with this kid during the summers a lot. My specific memories are very vague, but deep in my consciousness I know that I have called him friend in the past. For another, many things lately have been prompting me to ask the difficult questions ie

Why in the fuck am I here?

What's the meaning of it all?

When is my life going to get better?

How do I prepare myself for better things?

Am I blocking me or is something else blocking me?

What am I doing wrong that the universe doesn't think I'm ready for a new chapter?

Am I really with the right person?

What about the afterlife?

Am I going to be silenced or speak out?

What if I can't do some of things I want/dreamed of?

What is going to satisfy me if my future doesn't go as planned?

⭐ I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching through all of this, established the framework of the person I want to be and

BAM! 🧱 💥 🏃🏻‍♀️

Straight into a fucking. Brick. Wall.

⭐ I am in one of the worst continental states in the US (by even statistic) and before all of the shutdown and pandemic began, I had plans to be relocated with my new job, a place to call home & reunited with family by June 1st. Clearly that didn't happen....

⭐ I am spending $900 a month for a 250 ft² motel room just so I am not out on the streets.

Homelessness. Can we talk about that for a second? People getting arrested for being out past curfew because they don't have a place to go, put in jail because they're in the way, not tested or treated for the virus because they generally have no insurance, giving people loads of food stamps so the emergency assistance funding is broke-

600 dollars of groceries is a lot if you have a fridge, freezer, microwave, oven, toaster, etc not if you have to buy your food from overpriced convenience stores and gas stations and fresh food from grocery stores that 70% of the price is for the packaging it comes with!!

Soup kitchens closing because they don't want to risk contamination. Who's feeding those without a hot meal? Do they realize malnourishment is the quickest way to get sick with any pathogen!?

Shelters closed because of overpopulation. Domestic violence homes turning battered women and children away because there's too scarce of resources and funding. Yet people care about big corporations going bankrupt? Please tell me what the difference is between a goddamn human fucking life and a couple lawsuits because you didn't know how to prepare for an ever-changing economy.

Thank the universe i am sheltered with minimal resources to take care of myself and I have a steady job due to an enormous company's "chance on a down-in-the-dumps contractor." This job I have held steadily for a year despite chronic health issues has been the best thing to happen to me by far in a long time. I am definitely not by any means complaining about my job or that I even have life necessities right now. Several million don't have that.

⭐ The problem with this state is there are no resources for a person who's struggling to make an honest living. I lost my apartment two years ago because I had to take a medical leave of absence at my job then, got behind on rent and was evicted without a chance to catch up. The power was cut three nights before I had to leave, and I owe a deposit on the electric company to get any type of service back in my name. The realty company who owns the apartment complex will not allow a payment plan without a fraction of the principle paid down, so therefore I cannot apply for private or realty housing and I have been on the waiting list for federal housing assistance for 3 years without a single word. I also had my bank card stolen with my ID when I was trying to catch a bus to work a few weeks after that so whoever it was made small purchases that my bank applied interest and late charges to so that is also standing in debt. Thank universe my current employer allows direct deposit to a savings account at a bad credit institution or I'd be royally fucked.

⭐ Before I made the hard decision to doll out almost a G a month just for a room, I tried sleeping in my pickup. I even took the effort to pallet it for a platform bed & make benches to live in free campgrounds, cemeteries, truck stops, boonie dead ends, and behind abandoned buildings. I had a 12V converter that I connected to a rice cooker and made a tin can stove to grill small portions of meat on a single-egg mini skillet. I kept getting chased off by rangers, cops, annoying people trying to do crack and not get their lives better, and eventually violently detained for "suspicious activity" - I was thrown on the ground, put in handcuffs, patted down by a male officer with no female present, searched my vehicle without consent & written a citation: this was 2 am, I had a campsite reservation, I was clearly sleeping & my vehicle was current. The officers did not give me their name or numbers so I could not make a report.

⭐ I have chronic health issues - hip dysplasia & hyper mobility (not severe enough to be EDS), anemia, rexhia (NOT PRO ANYTHING), pre diabetes, H.S, BPD, PTSD, endometriosis & chronic migraines. I have filed time and time and time again for medical assistance but have always been denied. Every time I try to see a doctor, they claim I have this-or-that infection caused by this-or-that disorder, sent to an overpriced pharmacy with illness-irritating antibiotics that just keep me in an unending cycle of flares and barely-managable pain. Do not let anyone privileged or wealthy confuse you - you are not treated the same if you don't have coverage. Sorry to say but it is indeed a fact.

⭐ With this job I work 40-50 hours a week, eat as healthy as I can on a dime sized budget, and cover all my expenses. Yet I cannot move forward in this state on to better things. I want so badly to have a family, to go to college, etc but I cannot do this with living month to month someplace that isn't even my own.

⭐ The emotional affect this has had on me is tremendous. I am embarrassed of my situation, and never allow any guests in fear they'd judge me. I never take any photographs, which is heartbreaking because it has been one of my long-time hobbies. I am extremely guarded and I lie about small details to protect myself. I have severe trust issues and I always hold a dagger at my waist because I have to assume any minute you'll pull out a Glock.

⭐ Naturally I am an empath and this has brought me more compassion and understanding than I ever thought possible. The police brutality against people of color and racism in socio-economic programs truly breaks my heart because as a white female and all the struggles and discrimination I've endured, I can only begin to understand it's 1000x harder for people of color especially. I stand behind your protests 100%. I beseech you, go fight for what you deserve! I will be begging higher powers for your protection indefinitely!

⭐ I have gained a new perspective on non-profit organizations and volunteer work. Some are truly amazing and their stories move people to tears; others are truly wicked stealing from the poor, embezzling cash flow for their own vanities. Please please please research the charity you are interested in thoroughly before getting involved. Volunteer work will always be appreciated- and will teach you many invaluable lessons. If you help these organizations and need help yourself: respect yourself, hold yourself high, and ask for the assistance. They will generally be more inclined to help. If you are turned away, try not to be bitter. Administrators only do as they see fit.

⭐ That's another thing - bitterness. This has been the most vile and roughest character default I've ever had to battle with myself. When you've been through the shit and you can't see the sewer (sts) it's so easy to stay in the dumps. It's so easy to feel entitled because you've clawed your way to the top. It's easy to feel angry with everyone because it's you vs the system. It's so fucking easy to give up completely and stop trying and just lay down and die. It's easy to step in front of a two ton bus, oncoming freight train, taking the entire package of extra strength Excedrin not because you have a migraine, but just not to feel a thing, go completely numb for one single second. It's easy to go down to the head shop and get a nickel bag of weed to chill and get a 5$ pizza and forget you have responsibilities.

IT'S SO FUCKING TOUGH MAN

⭐ Growing up strictly religious, I tend to shy away from Christianity or other "preachy religion" now. I hate having Jesus shoved down my throat at a service before a hot meal on a Tuesday night and the "speaker" automatically assuming I need to stop smoking crack and going to jail and get my life back on track and God will bless me when I'm in the 46% who has never been to county and hold a job while trying to get back on my feet.

ADDICTION IS NOT POVERTY GUYS

I still support people who go to church and speak in tongues if that satisfies them. I still support people who are strictly vegetarian and make a pilgrimage to the mecca if that satisfies them. I still support people who have 7 two week long feasts a year for something that happened 4000 years ago if that satisfies them. I still support people who believe in baptisms for the dead and not drinking coffee if that satisfies them. I still support people who call Jesus the Nazarene and believe that Lucifer the Dark Lord will prevail if that satisfies them. I still support people who call down the power of the moon into their plant babies and give thanks to the triple goddess if that satisfies them. I support religion or practices of all kinds.

I believe I was meant to be tolerant and be good to others. That this life will give back what you put in. That there is a higher power that governs all and it is up to you to determine just what that is to you. Not to tell people what is wrong with their lives just based on your personal story.

⭐ During this pandemic, I have done a lot of soul searching. Journaling, listening to podcasts, listening to seminars on values I'd never know existed, trying to discover who I am. This journey has included empathy training, reiki, yoga, somatic movement, feldenkrais methods, and astral meditation. I just have a list of these questions I'd like answered or given suggestions to:

What do you believe is the meaning of life? Is there any philosophers, speakers, teachers, theologians, writers, musicians etc that can help answer this?

What is your definition of religion in it's rawest form?

Do you know of any resources I may not have thought of?

Is there any criticism you can give good or bad?

Am I focused on one thing and neglecting another?

Do you have any further opinions on the topics listed above?

Do you have a suggestion of the next right step?

Do you have ideas on how I can help with the aforementioned problems?

How do I stop feeling like I'm wasting my time?

How do I find contentment in everything should I die tomorrow?

What is your opinion of the afterlife?

How do you find happiness in the midst of bullshit?

What did a friend/relative/mentor tell you when you were going through an existential crisis?

Have you felt trapped too? Due to the covid or otherwise?

Any curse words, songs, books, movies, etc of use?

🌸🌸I sincerely appreciate any feedback 🌸🌸

[v-the-adventurer]

soft & sick

“Ugh” Tony mumbled, setting down his welding tools and flipping up his face mask. He pressed a palm to his forehead, digging the heel of his hand into the skin there in a weak attempt to control the throb that had settled behind his eyes. The throb was there more days than not since he came back from Afghanistan. Tony attributed it to the stress of being Iron Man, a superhero who was far from perfect, just trying to keep bad things from happening to good people. Between the death defying battles and courtroom brawls over the regulation of his technology, it’s no wonder he was a bit on edge these days.

He knew he should take an aspirin, or an Excedrin maybe, but he couldn’t find the motivation to move. What he could do, however, was take off his mask and power down the tools on his workbench. He was way too out of it to keep operating a welding torch.

He didn’t make it super far once he managed to close his project for the night, opting to lie down on the couch. He asked Jarvis to dim the lights, and the AI turned off the fixtures directly above the couch, leaving a few dim lights on across the lab so the genius could still see if he were to want to get up. Tony had his doubts about that.

It wasn’t long before Dum-E arrived on the scene, carrying a blanket in his claw and dropping it gracelessly on Tony’s stomach. The genius didn’t react for a long moment, but after a second’s hesitation he stretched it out over himself and curled onto his side. His head was pounding something awful, and he was feeling exhausted in a way he couldn’t just attribute to long hours.

Tony sighed heavily as he curled up tighter into the sofa; he was probably getting sick.

Over the next couple of hours, Tony was silently grateful for the bots. U brought him water, Dum-E made tea, and he just generally felt looked after. But even the bots couldn’t change how miserable he was feeling, and in a moment of weakness, Tony reached out to Jarvis.

“Hey, J,” He mumbled, almost unintelligible, not opening his eyes. “‘M I running a fever?”

“Your current body temperature is 99.7 degrees, Sir.” The tinny voice was quiet enough that it didn’t grate on Tony’s frayed senses, but it was kind of disappointing to discover that his misery was only justified by a one degree fever. If it had been 102, that would have been a different story. He’d have whined all night to JARVIS, or Pepper, maybe, bundled up in his bed and sleeping off the headache. 

But, as it was, one degree seemed like nothing. No one would care about a tiny little stress fever, especially because he likely could have prevented this by just simply taking care of himself. Tony sighed dramatically. The knowledge that he was making a mountain out of a molehill acted as a great motivator to get back at it. Slowly, Tony peeled himself off of the couch, wincing at the throb behind his sinuses, and made a move towards the elevator. Maybe he couldn’t work right now, but he didn’t have to be pathetically curled up like he was dying from a little one degree fever. Some coffee would help.

In the kitchen, all alone, Tony listened to the drip drip of the coffee falling into the pot. He had his forehead leaned gracelessly against the face of the fridge, eyes closed as he waited for the caffeine fix that would solve his headache. He didn’t hear the soft footsteps approaching from the elevator, his senses too dulled to really be aware of his surroundings.

“Tony?” He startled at the sudden noise. “What’re you doing?” It was Pepper, which gave Tony some relief. He didn’t think he could handle Cap or any of the other avengers dropping in right now. Pepper was dangerous in her own ways, but he knew he could at least count on her to not yell at him over something trivial.

“Oh,” Tony mumbled, turning around to face her, “Hey Miss Potts.” Pepper smiled warmly at the genius in the kitchen, taking note of the red spot on his forehead from where it was previously plastered to the refrigerator door. He was wearing sweatpants and a tank top and overall just looked - soft. But he also looked exhausted, which didn’t surprise the redhead one bit. He’d probably spent all day in the lab.

“When’s the last time you slept?” She asked, closing the distance between them. “You look worn out.”

“Boss actually just took a nap, Miss Potts,” Jarvis interrupted, causing both to start at the sudden intrusion. Tony just pinched the bridge of his nose and went to pour himself some coffee. Pepper frowned. Not only was Tony a little too quiet, he was also not objecting to the term nap. Tony Stark most definitely did not nap, especially not in the evening when he was usually his most productive.

“A nap, huh?” She probed gently, hoping to get to the bottom of whatever was going on with him. “I thought the great Tony Stark didn’t need sleep.”

“I usually don’t,” Was the only reply she got as the billionaire took a sip of his steaming hot beverage. It didn’t taste right, but Tony didn’t care. He needed the caffeine to kill his headache if he was ever going to be able to get back to work. Besides, it was probably just the fever messing with his taste buds.

Pepper took in his slightly slouched posture, the sheen of sweat on his forehead, and his half lidded eyes and began to put two and two together. She carefully reached a hand out and laid it gently on his forehead, and knew she had been right to do so when the genius leaned into her touch rather than jerk away.

“Are you feeling alright, Tony?” She brushed a stray piece of hair from his eyes, wincing at the heat behind his skin. “You feel a little warm.”

“It’s just a headache, Pep.” Tony pulled away from her and pressed his hands into his eyes, turning to face the sink. He felt the woman slowly wrap around his body from behind and rest her head on his shoulder. Her warmth felt wonderful to his chilled skin, and he wanted nothing more than to curl up with her in bed.

“Jarvis, does Tony have a fever?”

“Mr. Stark’s internal body temperature is 100.1 degrees,” The AI helpfully supplied. “I recommend rest and fluids, and perhaps a fever reducer.”

Pepper frowned at this new development, turning Tony around in her arms so he was facing her. The genius looked so worn, dark circles under his eyes so deep that they looked more like bruises, his face locked into a permanent frown. His whole posture was drooping, and Pepper smiled sadly at him. Everything about him emanated “I’m not feeling well”.

“Come on, Tony, you should be in bed.” She placed a finger to his lips and effectively cut off his protests. “Your projects can wait.”

The two quietly rode the elevator up to the penthouse, and after one last protest, Tony finally crawled beneath the duvet. Pepper slid in next to him, pulling his weary frame close to hers, his head resting on her chest and his eyes sliding rapidly closed. She loved this man, as crazy and oblivious as he was to his own needs. She pressed a kiss to the top of his head and she felt the breath of a sigh leave his mouth. He’d be asleep soon, and then she could get to work ordering in some dinner for them and moving his meetings around for the next few days.

“Thanks, Pep,” came his quiet voice after a few minutes, and all she could do was pet his hair and run her fingers gently across his scalp. She hoped he’d feel better soon.

[findingmypeace]

5/19/2020

Quick update before I have back to back sessions for the next several hours.

*I have had a monster migraine all morning. It actually woke me up at about 6am. I took some excedrine and went back to sleep but now it’s back. I’ve taken way to much excedrine this morning. I need to get back on the once a month injection medication I was taking last summer. It really worked except the copay is outrageous and insurance usually doesn’t cover it. I’ll talk to my doctor about it but I can’t handle having these migraines anymore. They’re pretty much constant.

*I had weird dreams last night. One involved my high school best friend who reminds me so much of R. Both of them had very similar roles in my life regarding my eating disorder and that is what the dream was about. I have dreams like that (where someone important to me is fighting with me about ed behaviors) pretty often. I always wake up feeling unsettled after those dreams. It’s complicated. I both desire and despise those dreams.

*I have a long work day today. I haven’t had this long of work day since this time last year. I know I can do it. I will be fine. When I think of each individual client I know I can get through each session. But the idea of doing this many sessions in one day is so overwhelming. I normally don’t schedule this many sessions in one day but one client has to work during our normally scheduled time so we switched days. I’m telling myself I can get through it. I will be okay.

*I read through old posts yesterday night. Why the fuck do I do that to myself?! I went back all the way to August 2018. I was so incredibly depressed. It is so hard to read those posts. I don’t know that anyone would desire to take the time to read back that far in my blog but if you do please be careful ie: this is your trigger warning. I truly don’t know how A)I wasn’t hospitalized and B)I managed for as long as I did. That said, I am so, so grateful to be in a much better place now. I never want things to be that low again. It’s scary to think how bad things got. Sure things aren’t perfect now and my moods go up and down but, overall, things are so much better. I am so grateful.

Okay, almost time for my sessions. Please let this migraine go away.

[hellforcertain]

okay this is genuinely the last thing im gonna say about it bcos in an ironic turn of events reading anti-med philosophy gave me a headache so i took some excedrin, but a philosophy of “all palliative care is bad” is stupid but worse, is incredibly frightening to see

like, yes, curative care is preferred! this is why we spend billions on the research of cures and preventatives! but we don’t know everything yet, and we don’t have a cure for everything yet, so palliative care is necessary.

and honestly... a world without palliative care is a world that is actively hostile towards those who have chronic, currently-incurable illnesses. we can’t cure rheumatoid arthritis, so we treat the symptoms and make it so the disease progresses as little as possible, because leaving people in that amount of pain is inhumane. it’s torture. trust me when i say i’m speaking from experience.

a world without palliative care is a world where my hands become too gnarled to use for anything but blowing my fucking brains out, and i mean that in the most serious way possible.

i don’t want to call it eugenicist, because i genuinely am not sure that the people who prescribe to anti-palliative philosophies are smart enough to connect those dots, but it feels like something dangerously close.

think about it this way: we do not have a cure for cancer. we do not have a cure for diabetes. we do not have a cure for epilepsy. we do not have a cure for food allergies. we do not have a cure for asthma. do you know anyone in your life who deals with these? imagine a world without chemotherapy. without insulin. without anticonvulsants. without epipens. without inhalers. how many of those people you know would be dead today? and most importantly, is a world where they died preventable deaths a world you want to live in?

[talix18]

November 3

Today begins with the time change back to EST, a Fleetwood Mac concert two hours away in Philly, and a head cold. I went to bed at ?? o'clock, woke up at 5:something AM, ate some leftover Halloween sugar, and put myself back to sleep. It's now 10:30 and I've finally made my way out of bed. My intentions are to pace myself and nap so that I'm still awake for the drive home from Philly, but this day's start is not encouraging. I've eaten some pizza for breakfast, so I'm thinking of taking some Excedrin or cold medicine, which will add yet another variable to this consciousness management equation.

I'm saying it's a head cold, but really it's just congestion and a headache. I'll see what's in the medicine cabinet when the cat gets off my lap.

Yes, I've become that sad middle-aged lady in the office with no husband, no kids, and two cats. I know that there are pros and cons in all of these choices, and I know just about the same number of people who are happy with their families as people who are either struggling as single parents with young kids or in unhappy relationships and really, there are no guarantees anywhere. The goal, as Sinead O'Connor put it back in the 80s, is to not want what I haven't got. But that has never been my MO.

Almost every decision I've ever made (or failed to make) has been about giving myself the maximum possible outs. I've never been good at commitment – I've always wanted room to move and now that I have it, I have absolutely no idea what to do with it. I've got all the freedom and independence to make grand gestures and absolutely no idea what to do next.

There's this saying in my specific 12-Step program that says something like “working this thing will give you a life beyond your wildest dreams” and I have a lot of issues with that. (Of course, because I am a philosophizer and an addict, justifying and rationalizing all the livelong day.) My wildest dreams include being in a loving relationship and being Stevie Nicks, so clearly I'm falling short.

So I think, well, maybe that “life beyond your wildest dreams” stuff means living like a productive member of society instead of sleeping in abandominiums. Having a job and a bank account and paying bills. Maybe my bottom wasn't low enough to make the life I have now seem remarkable. I've seen how using addicts live – when every decision is literally about getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. I got clean at 27 and I had very little to lose because I didn't have anything of my own. I was just about to start making some incredibly bad decisions when I got a DWI and a year's suspended jail sentence and was scared straight. I was still living at Mom's and going to grad school.

Maybe my dreams are too outrageous. I have a friend who celebrated 25 years recently and realized that she is living her best life. She has a job that she worked hard for and cares about, is married to a man who adores her, has two rescued dogs, and has a good relationship with her grown daughter. Why are my dreams on such a different scale? I have no ability to want things in any correct proportion. I can't play a damn instrument and haven't sung with anyone in public since I got clean – maybe touring with Fleetwood Mac is aiming a little high. How about I start with taking guitar lessons that don't cause me sleep-disrupting pain? That seems like a reasonable place to start.

Then there are my world travel dreams, many of which I've been lucky enough to live out. I went to India, for gods' sake. Not that long ago. That was amazing and surreal. And one of those things that really is a gift from the Universe, like my job and my house. I got the job I have because my father took my resume in to work and back then, the government had an Outstanding Scholar Program. Because I had excellent grades (despite having graduated from college ten+ years earlier), I was hired at one grade and automatically promoted several more within my first three years, where I've leveled off and received modest within-grade step increases at regular intervals since. I make more money than I ever though I would working a nine-to-five job; enough to put some away for retirement and still have enough to have a life now (like seeing Fleetwood Mac twice in one year or international travel). That alone puts me at a higher standard of living than most of the damn world.

My house also sort of fell in my lap. I had just moved back to Mom's after moving out of a friend's house – she had recently gotten engaged and he had moved in. They got a new puppy, so I took the cat and moved back into the basement. One of my friends' mom's is a real estate agent and told her to see if I was thinking about buying. I wasn't, but I was in my 30s and my cat did not get along with my mom's cats, so it was time to consider a living situation. I had been gifted stock in a utility by my mother's second husband's parents when I was a kid; that money was more than enough for a down payment on this tiny house next to the state park. I was about to get one of those automatic grade increases at work and could afford the mortgage and utilities: voila! Home ownership. Only some of the factors that came together to make that happen were within my control. I've seen people stuck in relationships because they can't afford to support themselves. I've seen people move from spare room to spare room because they can't afford a place on their own. I always wanted a place to live where I'd have enough room for all my stuff and no one could kick me out. (Except the bank, obvs.) I have that and have had it for damn near 15 years.

Maybe my life has been so good for so long that I don't even notice it anymore. There are very few things I have to if I don't want to do them. Just that is a huge freedom.

India happened because I had recently gotten back in touch with a women I'd met when she did PT on my first bad shoulder. She was also a yoga teacher and I'd taken some classes with her, but our schedules stopped syncing and we hadn't seen each other in a while. I responded to one of her emails offering a new class and about a week later, she asked if I wanted to join her for an evening of kirtan. I said sure, and on our way to Annapolis, as we caught each other up on our lives, she mentioned that she might be going to India with the founder of the yoga tradition she practices. “I want to go to India!” I said before even realizing it was true, and she said “Come with us!”

Now I am not a person of spontaneity. I'm not a compulsive researcher, either, but finding out in October about a possible trip to India in January is not way out of my comfort zone. For one thing, I'm a terrible flier. I'm not sure if it's the stress of airport security or being trapped in a steel tube in the sky with strangers, but anytime air travel is involved, my anxiety levels start off near the top of the chart. And this meant flying halfway around the world to a completely foreign country, although with a group that would handle all of the hotel and travel arrangements. It was the best opportunity to go somewhere I'd probably never go on my own.

And to my surprise, my reaction wasn't “I can't do that!” It was “What would stop me from being able to do that?” I had just enough vacation saved, just enough money saved, and a mom willing to take care of my cats while I was gone. I applied for a visa and got the recommended vaccinations and found myself in Mumbai in January of '18. That was a dream I didn't even know I had until it happened.

And it was almost everything I wanted it to be. My own personal eat, meditate, and have sex for the first time in two years. All that was missing was meeting an elephant. (I'll make sure the pictures of me on a camel and of a monkey on me are included at some point.) It wasn't included on our tour (which took us from Vrindivan to Rishikesh), but we added a few days on to the end and went to the Taj Mahal. I still can't believe that happened and I have pictures to prove it did. I know there are many tourist attractions that don't live up to the hype, but trust me when I tell you that the Taj Mahal is worth going out of your way for. Our first views of it were from a distance and looked exactly life every picture you've ever seen, but as I walked toward it and the perspective changed as we got closer...it was overwhelming. The white marble of the building is inlaid with stone of every color and...the artistry is literally breath-taking. We went to a workshop where, according to our travel guide, the descendants of the craftspeople who built the mausoleum still worked creating marble pieces today, several of which made their way home with me. Those Indian people see us white folk coming and I was happy to leave several hundred of my American dollars behind with them.

And that is just sliding onto the edge of today's word count. I wonder how long it will be before I see this taking any kind of shape. I know the whole point of this exercise is just to get the words out, but I'm not sure how long I can do this without repeating myself. Would I be easier if I made something up? You'd think I could wring 10K words out of each decade I've been alive, but even I know that most of them just aren't that interesting.