#but i still might bake peanut butter bread

[squeakygeeky]

Last night, I went to a book signing by B. Dylan Hollis yesterday, for his cookbook Baking Yesteryear. I got there almost 2hrs before and ended up in standing room only, but luckily right at the front of that. I survived the Felicia Day signing of 2015, so I was psychologically prepared, unlike the shell-shocked older lady who wandered past me muttering, 'This is insane. This is insane.' However I was less prepared than all the people who were sensible enough to bring their knitting. One person in front of me was clearly meeting a friend in meatspace for the first time and they had to awkwardly exchange real names for the first time and it was adorable because I've been there. It was quite the crowd, the intersection of queers and bakers gets you the Portland Weird, But Especially Cheerful demographic.

Anyway, it was lovely to hear him speak in real life. He had come from Seattle and asked the crowed if the whole Pacific Northwest was that beautiful, to which everyone enthusiastically shouted 'Yes.' And then one lady shouted, 'but you can't move here, we already have too many people.' No one disagreed with her. Sorry Dylan. He made sure to say 'EGGIES' for everyone.

The signing line took so long I went and had dinner, started reading the books I bought, did some Thai listening practice, and still ended up sitting and waiting for ages. It was worth it though, I got to tell him I'd made all 3 versions of the peanut butter bread and we agreed that the 1940s version is just sort of pointless, you either want the simpler less sweet 1930s version or his own extra peanut-buttery version (which I recommend, it's in his peanut butter bread youtube video, it's not in the book since it's his own modern recipe). He's funny and charming and very tiny.

[sp0o0kylights]

Part One / Part Two--you are here/ Part Three

Hellfire did in fact, have cookies to sell.

More than cookies, which Dustin practically preened over when Eddie dragged himself back to their table. 

The ornaments they had made were still there, but now the centerpiece was an array of baked goods. Spread out in a spiral, it started from the large cake in the center and spun out into miniature cookies held in tiny decorated bags, all while Harrington stood over them like a proud parent. 

It smelled mockingly delicious. 

Eddie glared at the display, resisting the urge to upend the whole thing onto the floor.

Cookies and cakes and (--was that frickin bread pudding?) whatever other treats Harrington had shown up with might look good, but Eddie didn’t trust it. 

Didn’t trust Harrington, even if the bastard had never really done anything himself--but then, he never had to, had he? 

That was the point of all that money, after all. So he could pay other people to do his dirty work while he kept his hands squeaky clean. 

“Inch a bit to the left--there, stop!” Harrington was saying, like the bossy asshole he was.

Like he thought he could just come in and expect everyone to follow his lead. 

“Perfect! Now don’t touch it.” 

God, Eddie had to nip this in the butt, now. Before King Horrorton harassed his sheep all day, and cemented the club's undeserved bad name in the minds of Hawkins.

“Dustin what did I just say--” 

Eddie stepped up to the front of their table, preparing himself for war.

Looked over to his friends knowing they'd likely need a nod of reassurance. A show from him that said he had this handled.

There was no cowering. 

No pleading, helpless, 'What do we do Eddie!?' gazes aimed his direction.

Hellfire wasn’t even looking at him, and not because they were all avoiding Harrington's line of sight.

No, the fucking traiters were flanking the King. Like they were buddies with the bastard instead of mortal enemies. 

“Hey, Ed’s, Harrington brought pies. Cakes too!” Gareth said around a mouthful of cookie when he noticed Eddie standing before him. 

It came out a garbled mess, but years of experience had Eddie understanding him anyway. 

Jeff was busy playing what sounded like twenty fucking questions regarding the setup, and even Grant appeared comfortable, happily letting Harrington order him around as they finished setting up. 

Like this was some kind of cutesy Disney movie where they all held hands and sang songs instead of a hostile takeover situation. 

Eddie’s eye twitched.

Sensing a disturbance in the force, Jeff looked up and immediately interrupted himself to point to a series of red and green cookies placed dead center, delighted. 

“Check it out man, Steve made some shaped like dice!” 

(And he did say ‘Steve.’ 

Not Harrington, or This Asshole, or The Invading Evil Forces of Darkness.

Just Steve, like Steve was someone Jeff hung out with everyday.

Jeff’s cleric was a dead elf walking.) 

Eddie took note of what was in fact, dice cookies. 

He hated how good they looked.

“There’s four flavors.” Steve told him, cocky little grin on his face as he observed his work.  “Chocolate chip, peanut butter, snickerdoodle--and the dice ones are sugar cookies.” 

He licked his lips before finally turning to look at Eddie, hair curling over his face and making him wave a hand to brush them out of his eyes. 

Eddie hated how good he looked too. 

‘Hate, hate, hate, absolutely loathe-’ 

“Great, sure, wonderful.” Eddie managed, though given the look Grant and Jeff both shot him it might have come out as more of a growl. 

Dustin rolled his eyes, and Eddie couldn’t help but notice that Hellfire’s other two youngest hadn’t dared to show their faces yet. 

Likely they knew Eddie was having an absolute meltdown over Steve’s presence and were waiting for his reaction to blow over. 

(Their characters were dead too.) 

“I have two full cakes--one chocolate, on vanilla--and a few individual slices we can sell.” Steve was continuing, as if Eddie wasn’t glaring a hole in his forehead. “Those did really well last year when I made them for the basketball team.” 

Insults fought for space on Eddie’s tongue, but he managed to roll a 20 to pick the best one, opening his mouth to let it fly.

"Harr-" is as far as he got before he was rudely interrupted.

“Steve? Is that you?” A woman Eddie didn’t recognize but was clearly someone's mom came up cautiously to the table, side eyeing the Hellfire banner like a nervous horse. “That can’t be your famous tiramisu, is it?”

Steve beamed at her. “Well hi Miss Carpenter. It is!” 

Eddie was bumped aside by a massive purse, the woman not even glancing in his direction as she stepped up to the table. 

With a sneer, he finally slumped to the back of their little spot as Miss Carpenter looked over all Steve’s (not Hellfire’s and absolutely not Eddie’s) offerings. 

Didn’t care to wipe it off right then, even if he knew he needed to if he wanted to make sales. 

Jeff sent him a look.

The same one he usually aimed Eddie’s way when he thought Eddie’s antics were going to cause problems. 

He ignored it, on grounds that traitors don’t get to be judgy. 

“Oh,” Miss Caprtender tittered, the draw of Harrington’s baked goods clearly overcoming whatever fear she had about Hellfire. “Well I just can’t pass that up. The swim team meets aren’t the same without you!”

Eddie pretended to gag.  

Waited for her to comment on Hellfire--their clothes, their music, hell even the length of Eddie’s hair--and found he was almost disappointed when there wasn't even a single question about why Hawkins precious golden child was slumming it with the weirdos. 

Instead, Miss Carpenter's hand went fishing in her purse for her wallet as she loudly called out over her shoulder, to, presumably another annoying woman; 

“Terry, Steve’s here! He’s been baking!” 

For two terrifying seconds, there was a notable dip in the conversations around them. 

Grant’s eyes went wide as several women responded to the announcement like dogs hearing food hit the floor, and within seconds their table was absolutely swarmed by the mothers of Hawkins.

Even Eddie was taken aback at the sheer number of them. 

“Hold, men, hold.” Dustin cautioned as Jeff and Grant both flinched. “Come on, we need to get our gold!” 

“They’re scary though.” Gareth whispered in horror as four women tried to talk at once, jostling each other so hard they shook the table menacingly. 

“Ladies, ladies there’s enough here for everyone!” Steve laughed, showing off his disgustingly cute dimples as he did, getting several of the mom’s to blush at their own behavior in the process. 

The sheer amount of attention of course, drew in even more people, and Dustin quickly took up directing, planting Jeff and Grant at either end of their table while he and Steve fended off the hoard from the front. 

(Given the way he and Steve were equally ordering Hellfire around, Eddie finally knew where the little shit had picked that attitude up from. He was going to have to cure Dustin of it, ASAP.  ) 

“Here you go Miss Harper.” Steve said sweetly, handing over yet another stack of baked goods.

Without turning his head, and in the tone of voice one used to warn a misbehaving dog, he added; “Gareth don’t think I can’t fucking see you, get back up here.” 

Caught trying to sink under the table with another cookie in his mouth, Gareth found himself hauled back to his feet by his collar, putting a snarl on Eddie’s face immediately. 

“Hey--” He started, defensive and more than ready to intercede, except Gareth wasn’t flinching or cursing or doing that thing he did with his mouth when he was desperately trying to hold in his temper. 

Instead he was giving a sheepish grin and a half-assed apology while he hung in Harrington’s grasp, before doing what the guy told him to do. 

(It did not help that Steve patted him on the shoulder when he released him, before handing Gareth a third fucking cookie.)

Eddie’s eye twitched a second time.

(He told it to knock it off.

It didn’t listen.) 

No one acknowledged Eddie or his outburst, which meant he was just skulking behind the boys while they all worked. 

Arms crossed, rings tapping a rhythm on his forearm, far too keyed up to do anything other than glare at the back of Harrington's skull.

The King seemed perfectly happy to ignore him.

Likewise, Gareth and Grant knew better than to bother him when he was in a snit. 

Henderson made the occasional snappy little comment, but the brat had mostly left him alone now that they were well into the swing of selling, chortling over the increasing stack of cash Steve kept trying to get him to put into a “safe place.” 

Eddie was seconds away from walking up and snatching the cash himself when Jeff decided it was on him to attempt the impossible. 

Get him to help Harrington. 

“More hands would be nice, Eddie!” Jeff called, looking more than a little harassed as the mom he was helping changed her order a second time, snaking out the last single slice of chocolate cake from another mom who was eyeing it. “Steve and I could really use your assistance over here!” 

Eddie’s glare, which had been doing its level best to try and vaporize the King’s brain, switched targets instantly. 

“I’m supervising.” 

Jeff made a face like he was about to argue, but the King beat him to it. 

“It must be tough,” Harrington said, tilting his head to look back towards Eddie, “to supervise people who are working so much harder than you.” 

Which promptly set the mood for the next full hour. 

xXx 

Harrington was matching him tit for tat.

Every shitty, sneered word out of Eddie’s mouth was met with an equally mean toned barb, though given the repeated looks everyone kept shooting him, Eddie was very much considered the aggressor here.

A fact he cannot believe is coming from his own friends.

What happened to comradery? To Eddie stepping in and protecting them, from the likes of people just like Harrington? 

But no, Eddie makes one fucking comment about how the cookies are probably half hair-spray and suddenly he’s the bad guy.

(Nevermind that Steve had fired right back, telling Eddie that any hair-spray taste was probably from all the drugs he did.)

Was somewhat, halfway--okay maybe amazing, Eddie might have snuck a cookie himself--food really all it took to get them all to turn on him like this?

Erase the years of Eddie being their shield? 

Act like Harrington wasn’t just as bitchy and awful as he had been in high school (even if he was, admittedly, being nicer about it all right now? Almost--aloof, like he couldn’t figure out why Eddie hated him so much, but likewise wasn’t going to take even one eye roll sitting down--and no, no, Eddie wasn't derailing this by thinking about Harrington's stupid eyes, he wasn't!) 

Frankly he would have flipped them all the bird and stormed off, if it weren’t for the increasingly weird little comments people were making. 

‘Oh Steve, it's a shock to see you here.’ 

‘Are you doing someone a favor?’ 

‘You know Pastor Jim said something about this game…’

The last one had put Eddie’s teeth on edge, even if Dustin had brushed it off. It hadn’t been aimed at Steve directly but the women saying it had absolutely been looking at the King, as if waiting for his reaction.

Not that Harrington would take the bait this soon, though. 

There were too many people buying fricken…cupcakes and shit, while Horrorton enjoyed the attention of the masses. 

Eventually this tiny crowd would die down though, and that’s when Steve would change his tune. Start answering some of the questions he seemed to be dodging as more and more people got braver about coming up to the table.

This whole thing was a ticking time bomb, and Eddie would be ready when it inevitably blew. 

To defend his table, his club, his friends. 

Even Henderson, who absolutely didn’t deserve it just then. 

“Dude perk up would you? You look like you’re going to stab somebody.” Jeff hissed at him ten minutes later, when there was finally a break in the flood. 

Eddie ignored him in place of taking stock of the table. (And maybe, sneaking another cookie.)

“Hope you brought more than this, Harrington.” He said, knowing he sounded like a stuck up ass and not feeling an iota of guilt about it. “Unless you plan to run home and bake more like a good little housewife.”  

“Dude.” Grant said, casting him a look like King Dick might leave and take the cookies with him.

“Oh I brought more.” Harrington dismissed, with a small flick of his fingers. “And I’ll have you know you’d never find a housewife more perfect than I am, Munson.” 

Then he turned to nail Eddie with the most shit eating grin he’d ever seen the King wear. 

Facing flaming a brilliant red, Eddie sputtered for a second before finally getting ahold of himself and spitting; 

“How delightful. I--” 

“Okay.” Jeff cut in, forever the mediator. “Gary, Dustin can you help Steve pull the extra stuff out from under the tables? While I go talk to Eddie?” 

“Can I try the tiramisu?” Gareth asked, inching hopefully towards the treat while keeping an eye on Harrington’s hands, lest he get smacked again. 

“Only if you’re a good boy.” Harrington told him sarcastically and goddammit why did that make Eddie blush harder!? 

Jeff sighed, before grabbing his arm and hauling Eddie back, away from the table, right as a younger man in some stupid sport’s jacket asked questions about one of the dice cookies.

“Look I get it man, I do,” Jeff started, voice talking in the sort of wheelding, pleading tone it did when he really wanted something and knew Eddie was opposed. “but Steve’s been super cool. We might actually make money off this, and he’s giving us all of it. Can you just… not antagonize him for five minutes?” 

Eddie stared at his best friend in abject horror. 

“You couldn’t have talked to him for more than twenty minutes total. Half of which he spent bitching that you were bagging a cake wrong! At what point was Harrington "being cool!?"

The asterisks were made by his fingers, which Eddie mockingly framed his face with. 

He got a flat, unimpressed stare in return. 

“It was a very informative twenty minutes and he was right about the cake. Now are you going to help or are you going to glower in the corner?” 

Eddie gaped. 

“I cannot believe you right now--”

Jeff didn’t even wait to hear him out.

 “You’ve chosen to glower. I can’t help you man, but we’d all have a much better day if you weren’t at Harrington’s throat every five seconds.” Jeff turned smoothly on his heel.

Over his shoulder he added; “Seriously, don’t come back until you’ve worked your way out of your snit.” 

Shocked, Eddie watched Jeff float back to the front, inserting himself easily between Grant and Steve and immediately striking up a conversation.

With the enemy. 

“I didn’t know you baked.” Jeff told Steve loudly (and very obviously, for Eddie to see.) 

Steve gave a bashful little smile, then shrugged. “It’s a hobby. Got into it back when the basketball team needed to fundraise a few years ago and Tommy’s mom got it in her head we should sell home baked goods. Turns out its kinda fun.” 

“Please never get out of it.” Gareth insisted, a piece of God knows what crammed in his mouth.

“Dude, how many of those have you gotten into!? Stop eating the merchandise!” Dustin commanded, smacking at Gareth’s shoulder. 

“I physically cannot stop man.” Gareth dodged, reaching out for another cookie. “I’m not sorry.” 

Steve just laughed. All charming and buddy-buddy, like it was natural for him to be here. 

Wearing a Hellfire shirt. Making jokes and teasing the guys. 

In Eddie’s fucking place. 

He seethed, fingers twitching, and envisioned the very unsexy murder of one Steve Harrington.  

Cartoon X’s for eyes and all. 

xXx

Trouble didn't hit the table.

It in fact, seemed to stay away as if on purpose, to shove in Eddie's face that he was the one in the wrong here.

Even the questions toned done as the second wave of moms showed up, this round prompted by some former teammate of Steve’s Eddie didn’t recognize yelling about his apple pie.

Instead, Eddie’s wayward sheep finally made their appearance Mike and Lucas trying to sneak in as if Eddie wouldn’t notice during the new rush.

(Eddie himself almost caused trouble when he realized Lucas was wearing a Not-A-Hellfire shirt, which solved the mystery of where Harrington had gotten his.

He was inching his way towards them, a snarky word on his tongue when he saw Sinclair said something about how he was “already on Eddie’s shitlist for joining the basketball team,” in relation to what must have been a question about his Hellfire shirt, that caused Eddie to freeze.

With the air of a sad, wet kitten, Lucas followed it with; “I’m sure it won’t be long before he kicks me out of Hellfire anyway.” 

Like he'd been punched in the gut, all the air left Eddie’s lungs.

Because before Lucas had said that, Eddie had been thinking it. 

Not really--he’d never kick anyone out of Hellfire.

It was more that he'd thought about it in the way one does when you know you're in the right, and are having to resort to underhanded tactics to force the other party to come to their senses.

Like a sort of shitty, angry “I should kick you out, let you see what happens when you don’t have us!” kind of intervention.

The same kind he had heard the jocks sling before, when they were mad at each other and--God he wasn’t--he couldn’t be, like them...could he?

Like fucking Harrington, who oh fuck, was patting Lucas sympathetically on the shoulder and giving him some kind of whispered advice. 

Sonovabitch. 

“I’m going for a smoke.” Eddie bit out, vision tunneling.

He knew he needed to go sit down somewhere, before he fucking lost it in front of Hawkins, Harrington and everyone. 

And wouldn’t that just be a treat for King Steve?

To watch Eddie realize he had turned into the very thing he hated, preached against, even? 

That Steve was, maybe, possibly, doing a better job of following Eddie’s own Munson Doctrine than he was?

Eddie barely saw the room anymore--waived off whatever Grant was trying to say to him as flew past, shaking hands fishing for a desperately needed cigarette.

Maybe a hope and a prayer too, because apparently he needed it.

How long had he been like this? 

Been a douchebag asshole? 

Was it the whole year? More than? Or was it just now, with stupid Steve involved? Could he trace this back to that stupidly cute--no, no, annoying, asshole?

Was this some fucked up way of coping with his growing crush!?

Lost in thought and growing self hatred he nearly careened right into Robin Buckley.

Her slightly bent paper reindeer ears marked her as a memeber of the high school band, who had been absolutely butchering ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ a few minutes earlier. 

Vaguely heard her yell Steve’s name as he ran off (because that’s what Eddie was doing. What he always did.

Run--from himself and his own fucking feelings, like a total cliche.)

--but didn’t take in that she was doing more than saying hi to, oh fuck him sideways--her friend.

Because she and Steve were friends now.

Good ones, if the freshmen were to be believed.

Rather than go outside and catastrophize in the cold, Eddie threw himself threw the doors at the end of the hall, then up the stairwell, to the second floor.

Tucked himself into a corner, right there by the stairs.

Sank down into a crouch, hands scrubbing up his face before tangling in his hair, head dropping between his knees, cigarette shoved into his mouth.

Somehow, Eddie decided, this was Steve’s fault. 

He'd have come up with a reason for that, he was sure. A good one even, except he forgot one of the key features of his life.

He was a Munson, and as a general rule of life, nice neat things did not happen to Munson's--but they did get kicked while they were down.

“Okay, what happened?” Steve fucking Harrington asked, voice loudly echoing up the stairwell from down below, and Eddie threw his head back, nearly slamming it against the wall. 

(Maybe he’d pissed off a witch. His life would make a lot more sense if someone had cursed it.)

“She gave me her number!”

That was Buckley, the shrill timber identifiable even as she whispered the words. 

Eddie can’t really see them without giving himself away--could probably make his escape if he got down and army-crawled past the railing he’s huddled by, but figured this is their fault anyway. 

Not his problem if he overhears a private conversation because they’re both too stupid to check to see if someone was seated literally right up above them.

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?" Steve was saying. "That’s what we wanted!” 

“Is it!? What if she’s just, you know, giving it to me?” 

“...I’m not following.” 

“Like in a friend way. Not a--”

“Romantic way?”

Harrington has the smarts to say the words quietly.  So quietly in fact, that had Eddie not been in the exact right position he wouldn’t have heard--but he almost swallowed his unlit (he should have lit it, maybe they'd have smelled the smoke and fucked off) cigarette anyway. 

“Sssshh!” Robin hissed, and Eddie can’t see either of them but he imagined her jamming her hand over Harrington’s big fat mouth. 

“Not so loud, Steve!” 

“Sorry, God.” Sure enough, Harrington’s voice is muffled. “How did she give it to you? Did she say anything?” 

“She asked if I want to hang out after band, but because I have that stupid family thing, I told her I couldn’t today, but I can literally any other day, and she said she’d call me, and I said--” 

“Robs, breathe.” 

“Don’t interrupt me, Dingus!” Robin said, voice shrill again, before she clearly listened to Harrington and took a breath. 

 It was big, and deep, and she blasted it back out loud enough for the fucking birds on the roof to hear. 

In a calmer voice, Robin continued; “I said we never traded phone numbers so I didn’t have hers. She grabbed my arm and wrote her number on it. Look, she added a heart!” 

“Okay, here you go! A hearts a good sign!"  

And Harrington sounded--sounds happy for her, practically ecstatic, which doesn’t make much sense given Robin is talking about a ‘her’ and-

And-and-and--

Eddie’s always been quick to connect the dots. 

It’s something he inherited from his old man. A Munson trait he’s tried to make his own through being an excellent DM (and not by robbing people blind or boosting cars.) 

Here, the dots clearly screamed that Robin Buckley was trying to ask a woman out. 

You know, in a gay way. 

Which Harrington not only knew, but was supportive of. 

Steve Harrington, who famously called Jonathan Byers' a queer before smashing the guy's beloved camera into the ground. 

Eddie’s head exploded. 

Or was in the process of exploding--he’s not entirely sure given the tunnel vision was back and his soul felt like it had exited his body entirely. 

Just knew that his world was being remade for a second time in five minutes, and that he was dealing with it pretty damn poorly.

(Maybe God would be nice for once, and just give him the aneurism he clearly deserved.)

Which was of course, when trouble finally did decide to show face, in the form of Dustin Henderson barging through the doors and into Steve and Robin's little meeting.

Eddie knew, because Eddie could hear him.

“Steve! Steve we have a problem!” 

“I’m busy Dustin--”

“Be busy later, we have an emergency on our hands!” 

“And what, pray tell, do you think is an emergency?” 

Eddie, who had instantly latched onto the conversation by the sheer need to have something distract him from his own thoughts, wondered the very same.

“Jason Carver showed up at the table, with a priest. They’re trying to do some whole kind of crazy sermon--is that a good enough emergency for you!?” 

“Oh shit. ” Steve spat, at the same time Eddie yelled it from up high. 

He sprang up, all thoughts of Robin and Steve knowing he’d eavesdropped vanishing entirely from his head as he lunged for the stairs.

Flew down them, because the thing he'd been waiting all fucking day for had finally happened.

He nearly crashed into Robin once again as he blew through the barely closed doors, Steve and Dustin already far ahead of him.

“Eddie?” Robin asked, voice noticeably nervous. "Were you--"

"Not now Starbuck, but we can talk later." Eddie told her, flying right past.

After he saved Hellfire. 

[climbhighsisyphus]

First thoughts?

The cookbook is really nice and it has a cute little short story involving Tess and Knox. It really just shows them both at Fablehaven which is something we really didn’t get in Dragonwatch…

I will say though, Seth and Kendra are not featured but are mentioned once if you were interested in those two! They are both busy at Wyrmroost apparently.

The recipes seem pretty easy but I’d have to test them myself to see, which probably won’t be for a week or two due to my recovery.

I will say, some of these look AMAZING, and almost every single character besides some endgame ones get their own little recipes. It’s really adorable.. I don’t think I can share the recipes, but I think I can share photos of what they are in the cookbook.

Safe to say, the fairy bread and Brackens milkshake/smoothie might kill me. They’re both really cute looking but I might die if I consume them which I’m a bit scared to try them in the future but we ball..

Seth’s food also looks absolutely amazing? And it’s a really easy recipe because let’s be honest, he probably can’t cook for the life of him. It’s just a peanut butter sandwich with banana and Nutella, and I’ve had that in the past and I can say from like a standard view, it’s pretty good and I recommend trying it (Apparently you can put potato chips and cereal with it, which,,, is unique to say the least!)

Kendra’s treat looks also amazing, it’s just Chocolate-covered krispies but it’s still pretty good looking, I’m definitely gonna try this one. This one also just has such a cozy feeling to it because of the little description they added which involves Kendra just letting the brownies make them late at night as it storms.. which, Seth doesn’t have that, it’s just a very short description on how he thinks peanut butter goes with everything.

Besides that, Kendra’s is very sweet and silly and I feel it goes with her character amazingly.

Hugo also has a recipe, it’s mudslide ice cream cake which seems so good? I’m definitely gonna try it when I’m able to as well.

Grandma Larsen also has cute little unicorn cookies and they’re genuinely so adorable looking, I would in fact, take a chunk out!

Aside from the recipes, the cookbook is really nice and it has a cute design on the inside upon opening it and I stared at it for a bit because the neurons in my brain were processing every little design there…The cookbook has such a silly design and feel to it and if you’re into baking as well as the series, it’s a cool thing to collect and also use if you ever wanna make a cool and unique looking treat for you or your family or friends! It’s your average cookbook but to me at the least it’s very sweet.

(PS: the hotdogs have little eyes on them and I couldn’t resist sharing a photo because they’re so cute)

[dreamlandforever]

Welcome? To Hellfire Club - Part 2

Here's part 2 of this! Apologies, this one got out of me, and it's much longer than the last one. Either way, I hope you enjoy it!

Part 1

Part 2 - The Campaign

Thursday arrived a lot faster than Steve was expecting, but he was prepared. The kids would be driven to his house by either Eddie himself or Jonathan, so once Steve and Robin’s shift was over, they both headed to the supermarket and then to his house. Steve might not be King of Hawkins anymore, he might be a lot more comfortable with a bat full of nails than with a basketball now, he might not get into the water anymore if it isn’t to save or protect someone else, but he is still a Harrington. Which meant that being a good host had been ingrained into his brain since childhood, same with knowing the correct way to use every item of flatware and how to play piano. None of those things made for great survival skills, but they would come in handy in winning over the Hellfire Club, or so Steve hoped.

“What are we making?” Robin asked, as she unpacked the bags she had helped carry inside. 

Steve made a quick list in his head and looked at the clock on the microwave next to Robin. “Brownies.” he decided, watching Robin grab the necessary items with a smile. He had only recently learned how to bake, mostly thanks to Claudia Henderson. But ever since he had begun doing so, he and Robin have made a habit of making treats for themselves and the kids in his kitchen. Robin moved around the kitchen with a familiarity Steve had never quite managed to in all his years of living in the same house.  “And monkey bread.” he added, unpacking his own bags and only leaving out the ingredients he was going to need. 

“Why are we baking two different things?” Robin asked, throwing at Steve a stick of butter that hit him on the arm before falling on the kitchen floor. As Robin went about gathering all she needed to begin baking, Steve followed her path, closing every cabinet she had left open as per usual. 

“Gareth doesn’t like chocolate.” he answered, picking the butter from the floor. “And monkey bread is Dustin’s favorite.”

Robin was almost always moving, Steve was used to seeing her as a blur out of the corner of his eye, so when she suddenly stopped in the middle of the kitchen, it immediately caught his attention, so he turned to face her. 

“Why do you know what Gareth likes?” she asked, confused with her arms crossed over her chest. She didn’t bother asking about Dustin, of course he knew his favorite.

Steve rolled his eyes at her. “I also know what you like, Robin. That’s why I got everything we need to make those Toll House peanut butter brownies you like.” he said, shaking a package of peanut butter morsels at her, which she hadn’t seen him buy in their store run. He must have had them in his pantry already. 

“Don’t change the subject, dingus. Did you really do research before having the Hellfire over?” she asked incredulously. She opened Steve’s Toll House Heritage Cookbook to start working on her favorite recipe, while Steve pre-heated the oven. They had learned early on that Robin was better off being kept away from any form of fire, a rule Steve was very good at enforcing. 

“Not really,” Steve answered, frowning. He looked over her shoulder to make sure he had set the oven to the right temperature. “I didn’t ask, I am not even sure how I know. The kids must have mentioned it. And no strawberries in anything, Jeff might be allergic? If not him, someone, maybe Kevin, and we are not killing people today.” Robin nodded, mixing the dry ingredients, and throwing the morsels at Steve so he could work on melting them. This time, Steve was prepared and caught them. 

“I can agree with today.” Steve rolled his eyes at her, but Robin was too focused on mixing her ingredients to even notice. “And you do know he calls himself Freak, right? I didn’t even know his name was Kevin. Is it Kevin? Did you make it up, Steve? Also, I didn’t know you could be allergic to strawberries.” Robin commented easily, trying to not to trip over her own feet when Steve pushed her with his hip so he could stand in front of the stove to melt the chips.

“Robin, we are not killing anybody, today or any other day, okay? Yes, that is his name. Me neither.” he agreed, mentally going over everything Robin had said. “I think that’s why I remember it.”

“Yeah, of course not. And we are especially not getting caught,” she said with a wink, making Steve push her face away, while Robin tried to bite his fingers. “How did you even find that out? Is anyone allergic to peanuts? Because we already contaminated the kitchen.” she asked worriedly, watching Steve melt the chips the way Claudia had taught him to, using water instead of directly on the pan. It took Steve a few seconds to match everything she had said to what they were talking about, but he eventually put the pieces together enough to answer. 

“No, Dustin brought a date and walnut cake the last time Hellfire played in the Wheeler’s basement.” he assured her, very certain that peanuts were safe for this group of people. 

Steve was hoping they could fall into their usual rhythm when baking, moving around the kitchen while bumping into each other, and gossiping about whatever had happened at work that day. But he knew better.

“So,” Robin started, using her arms to help herself sit on top of the counter, legs dangling happily. “Eddie.” 

In her defense, Steve knew she was dying to bring the subject up, but she had waited until the brownies were in the oven, and Steve had closed the door of said oven, so there were no burn risks. “We’re friends.” Steve said stubbornly, turning to start the monkey bread, just to have something to do with his hands.

“Yeah, you are. Do you want to be something more?” she asked, teasing tone gone. Steve sighed, before focusing on her. 

“I don’t know, Robin. I don’t even know if Eddie likes men.” he said softly, leaning back on his elbows next to Robin, so they were both facing the clock next to the kitchen entrance. They still had an hour and a half before everyone arrived. “I mean, I didn’t even know I liked men that way until a few months ago.” 

“You knew.” Robin retorted immediately.

“I didn’t know it was allowed.” he amended, agreeing with her.

“The way your brain works is a wonder to me, Steve Harrington.” Robin said easily, smiling at him. 

He let out an unattractive snort, “It is to me too, Bobby. Should I make a dip? Dustin likes dip.” 

“Oh, the artichoke one?” she said excitedly, fingers wiggling in a weird dance. Steve grabbed her hands and held them down to her lap. 

“You’re sitting next to the stove, Robin, please, be more careful.” he complained, while he reached to move the pan he had been using farther away from her, and taking the ingredients needed for the dip out of the fridge. “Yes, we can make the artichoke one, but you cannot say what it is out loud. Made that mistake before, Mike will eat it if he doesn’t know what it is.”

“You are such a mother.” Robin teased, reaching under Steve’s arm that was holding the fridge’s door open to grab the mayonnaise. 

Steve didn’t bother defending himself, handing her the parmesan cheese. Robin knew the exact weird way Max liked her sandwiches, with pickles and chips and horseradish, and just how much chocolate syrup El liked on her Eggos. She also knew Steve’s favorite dip was the artichoke one, even if she preferred the seven-layer dip, which was way easier to prepare. 

“I think he likes you back, is all I am saying. He must. He always comes over when you’re working, always laughing around you, and honestly, I cannot remember a moment in your lives where you weren’t touching in some way.” Robin said, resting her chin on top of Steve’s shoulder, while he measured the mayonnaise he was going to need. If eyeballing could be considered measuring. When he said nothing back, Robin took the hint. “Did I tell you that Mrs. Reid came back today to rent Grease again?” And just like that, she was back to talking about the movies the people they knew had rented, and making up stories on the reason they did.

He smiled to himself, participating in Robin’s theories happily. He was certain that Mr. Abbott had rented Close Encounters of the Third Kind because he had no clue what it was about, while Robin was sure it was because he had tin hats at home and believed in UFOs. 

They had gotten distracted long enough that they were surprised when the bell rang, and Robin almost dropped the soda cans she was arranging on a side table next to the big dining room table Steve had cleaned for the campaign. Steve was halfway to Robin before he realized it was just his doorbell. They both looked at each other in relief and laughed nervously. Robin didn’t let go of Steve’s arm and accompanied him to the door, helping both to get their heartbeats back to normal. 

Steve wasn’t sure what he was expecting from the Hellfire Club really, but when he opened the door Eddie was smiling much too wide to be a real smile, and the rest of the older boys of the club entered the house with only a grunt of acknowledgment at Steve, and a nod to Robin, saying nothing else. They stood at the door in silence, until Steve realized they had never been to his house before. 

“Oh, right!” he said, “This way” and he dragged Robin behind him, signaling for the rest to follow them into the dining room. Once there, he stood a little to the side signaling, “I think this table is big enough for everyone to play comfortably.” Pointing to the side table he had dragged from the living room, he said, “And here are the snacks, you can grab whatever you want. Nothing has strawberries, and the monkey bread doesn’t have chocolate.” He winced internally at the frown Gareth directed at him, but he kept his composure. He had plenty of practice doing it. He was in his element, smiling placidly at everyone, he said, “Let us know if you need anything else, we just need to bring the chips out. The dip is artichoke, but please don’t let the kids know. They eat it just fine if you don’t specify.” 

He saw Jeff nod at him, and taking it as a good sign, he went back to the kitchen to get the chips. 

“You’re doing great.” Robin said quietly, entering the kitchen after him.

“I ranted.” Steve knew Hellfire was not just going to like him because Eddie did, and they were not going to accept him with open arms. He was pretty sure he was not a person to them. Gareth at least was young enough that Steve must have only been at Hawkins High for a year at most at the same time as him. But they knew of him. King Harrington. The Hair Harrington. The Bully Harrington. He was a jock, and that was all they needed to know. It didn’t matter how much Steve had changed in the last few years, nor how many times he had almost died. Hell, he couldn’t even swim anymore without having a panic attack, and back then he had been the swim team captain. But Hellfire knew nothing of this, so it was up to Steve to let them know him as just Steve. 

“Yeah, but it wasn’t obvious. You’re doing great.” she reassured him, grabbing some more juice boxes for the kids and following him back out. The bell rang again in rapid succession before Steve heard the front door open.

“Henderson! That key was for emergencies.” He called out while arranging the snacks. The only other people besides his parents, who were in New York for another two weeks, who had keys were Hopper and Dustin. 

“I told him not to.” Jonathan called back.

“It was an emergency. You were taking too long.” Dustin said, running into the dining room. “Hey!” he greeted the rest of the Hellfire Club, raising his hand for a high five, and going to Steve to look at the snacks. “I am starving, Steve.” 

Steve laughed at him and handed him a piece of monkey bread in a napkin. 

“Sorry” Will said, entering the dining room at a much more sedate pace, and setting his things down on a chair to greet everyone. “Thank you for having us.” 

Steve loved that kid. He was now his favorite, he decided. “Of course, Will the Wise.” Steve greeted, giving him a napkin so he could choose what to grab. 

Mike had walked in next to Will, but said nothing, dropping his things and looking around at the snack table. “Did you make pigs in a blanket? I love those.” he commented, groaning when he noticed there were none. 

“Awesome!” Lucas called. “Did you bake something? I love your brownies.” The kid seemed to walk to the snack table following his nose alone. 

“Peanut butter brownies!” Robin announced happily, handing him one in another napkin. Lucas took it happily, claiming the chair next to Dustin. 

“Is this normal?” Steve heard Jeff ask Eddie. He didn’t hear what Eddie responded, but he guessed it had been a nod, because Steve always made sure there was enough food for everyone when he hosted. And they knew the kids already, so their weird behavior probably didn’t faze them anymore. 

“Are you staying?” Dustin asked, mouth full of bread. “My character is going to kick ass.” 

“Language” Eddie and Steve said at the same time. Dustin ignored them both, still waiting for Steve’s answer. 

Before Steve could answer he saw Jonathan signal to his living room. 

“I will get back to you on that, Henderson.” he said, walking over to Jonathan, leaving a bottle of Yoo-hoo next to Eddie on his way. He hadn’t even realized he was doing it, until Eddie was smiling at him and taking the offered bottle. 

“Argyle is here for a few more days, we are going to get pizza with Nancy, if you and Robin want to join. Eddie, too, once he is done with this, I guess.” Jonathan said, a little awkwardly. They had started hanging out, mostly due to Robin and Nancy’s newfound friendship, and Argyle’s complete disregard for social queues, so when it was just the two of them it was still a little weird.

Steve looked back at the table. “I think Eddie is outnumbered.” Steve said apologetically. “Maybe I can join tomorrow?” Jonathan let out a small laugh. 

“Sure, man. But I am sure Eddie is okay here.” 

“No, he isn’t. Last time, when we were at Wheeler’s, Dustin dropped a glass of juice on top of Mike’s notes, and Steve had to physically separate them. It was fun.” Robin chirped, making her way over to them. “You left me alone in there.” She complained to Steve. 

“Sorry, you seemed very happy eating brownies with Lucas.” 

“Yes, but then he got distracted by the fact that Dustin had monkey bread and he didn’t.”

Jonathan looked at the two of them, and then at the people at the dining table. “You know what, Harrington? I think you need backup yourself.” 

“Are you offering?” Steve asked with a polite smile. 

“Not at all.” Jonathan answered, making his way to the door. “I will pick the kids up when they are done. Maybe you can join us after?” he asked patiently.

“Why don’t I drive them over to your place when it’s over? Robs and I can save you the drive. I will ask Eddie if he is up for it. Save us some pizza, though.”

“Pineapple pizza is the only thing I can offer, man, but sure.” 

Once Jonathan left, Steve and Robin dragged a small love seat to the dining room to watch the campaign. They had gotten used to hearing the campaign whenever Eddie played with the kids, but this would be the first time they were joining in with the entire Hellfire Club. Steve felt oddly nervous and noticed that Gareth and Kevin were staring at him. He smiled politely at them, raising his can of coke at them in a pathetic attempt of cheers.

“I am a bard.” Dustin said, as soon as Steve and Robin sat down, taking Steve out of his head. 

Steve nodded. “What’s your name, bud?” he asked, looking over Dustin’s character sheet as he handed it to him. “I thought you were a dwarf?”

“Not in this campaign” Dustin said, like it was obvious. Steve raised both his eyebrows at him, but nodded once again, giving the sheet back. 

“Is this one episode?” Robin asked. 

“One shot.” Lucas immediately corrected. “And no, this is a continuation from our last session.” Lucas went on to give them a short summary of the campaign they were playing that day, which started back when they were allowed to play at school. Mike chimed in every now and then to add details, while looking at Will, so he could be caught up as well. Apparently, this was Will’s first time with Hellfire, too, and he would be introduced in this session. It also seemed to be the first time Mike was realizing that this was Will’s first time and he turned back to the other members to introduce him happily. Will smiled at them but kept his focus on Lucas’ retelling. 

Gareth kept looking at the kids, confused. Obviously, Steve Harrington didn’t care. But there he was, listening to the children talk. 

“Are you a wizard, Will?” Steve asked.

Will shook his head, smiling at Steve. “A mage.”

“Right, a mage.” Steve had no clue how those were different, but it seemed important to Will. 

“Well, I think we are all caught up now.” Robin agreed, leaning back on the couch, ready to watch the game. She had a napkin and a pen with a few notes on it, mainly the kid’s character’s names, which she placed between her and Steve, so they both could see it. They always enjoyed Eddie’s storytelling, but Steve found it really hard to keep up sometimes. Lucas handed Robin another napkin so she could write as the game went on, and another one for her math. She had always been way faster at that than Steve.

“Yeah, pay attention to your game captain, shitheads” Steve said, grabbing a fistful of the chips he had claimed for Robin and himself. 

“You know he is called Dungeon Master!” Dustin complained, but he turned back to the table to wait for Eddie to begin. 

Steve sat up a bit straighter when he noticed how the members of Hellfire were still staring at him. He made a conscious effort not to doubt his behavior with the kids. But he did try to tone down his joking a bit. These people didn’t know him, and bullying the kids, even if it was affectionately, was probably not helping his case. 

Eddie smiled at him, before turning back to the table and reclaiming everyone’s attention.

“You are all entering a new village, which is in dire need of heroes,” he began, his voice louder and deeper. A voice that Steve had learned to recognize as his DM voice. 

Maybe this wouldn’t be that bad after all. 

But with Gareth’s eyes still on him, even when Steve was focusing entirely on Eddie, it seemed like an unlikely story. 

taglist: @steddie-as-they-go@cinnamon-mushroomabomination @queerdeerling@space-invading-pigeon @starman-jpg @swimmingbirdrunningrock @sofadofax @lessqn @hyperfixationgoddess

[robustcornhusk]

20. What's in your freezer right now? (Bonus: any other with an interesting answer that no one's asked yet)

bonus question first, because i take any opportunity to talk about food at length

41 - What's the oldest thing you own?

huh. i was going to say "my grandfather's sword", because that's the cool answer, but i guess it's actually my house, which is both a boring and ship of theseus answer. large portions of this place have been ripped out and put back over its 105 years of existing.

but as for objects that i can carry around, probably the sword, from the 40s.

20 - oh boy! i just cleaned out the freezer two weeks, and it is still 100% full! it's very wide, tall, and shallow; it's got a deep drawer, a very shallow shelf, and one reasonable drawer.

deep drawer:

10 bagels (from the last two weeks)

8 tahini rolls (last night, recipe handed to me by @adiantum-sporophyte)

1 spare bagel, shichimi togarashi (last fucking december)

8 dinner rolls (in the last month; i like them with The Beans)

500g of sourdough bread (in the last month)

bags of corn, peas, raspberries, blueberries, and 6tbsp or so tomato paste

a few ounces of frozen french fries

1 bag of vegan nuggets that i haven't tried yet

1 bag of not-chicken strips

2 bags of breaded not-chicken filets, like for sandwiches

2 bags of not-burgers

the bagels come from partner's favorite bagelry (?). we eat bagels for breakfast 4-5 days a week, so we get 12 bageldays of bagels every 2-3 weeks.

i love fake meat so much. people are out there jerking off, "i feel we should celebrate vegetables for what they are, and not try to make them into what they aren't". poppycock! burger is good. nugget is good. vegetable qua vegetable is also good. they're both good! eat both! one needs micronutrients and big hunks of protein!

the tahini rolls are basically extra flavorful dinner rolls. the flavor is a little hard to pair with, though. i have some stews in mind to try them with.

the sourdough is the leftovers of a huuuuuuuge miche i bought at nearby bakery because i went right at close and it was all they had left. i fucked up and froze it in 3 chunks, instead of slicing before freezing; when i tried to slice up one of the chunks, it was a huge mess. i might turn the rest into ribollita, now that i think about it.

partner had the idea that we'd 3d print some dividers, so that the bagels wouldn't collapse into the frozen vegetables, and the faux meats wouldn't collapse, so we got a profiling tool... and we haven't made the dividers yet. eventually!

shallow shelf:

6 frozen mulberry scones on a quarter-sheet pan

1 basket of frozen mulberries

mashed mulberry to use in lemonade (as suggested by @tinyyellowflowers-blog), occupying one of my eighth-sheet pans

frozen blackberries, occupying another quarter-sheet pan

a deli container completely full of apricot pits

the mulberry scones smelled really weird when i cooked the first two... but they tasted fine. mild; not a fantastic use of mulberry imo. the frozen ones are like ice cream. i'm supposed to bake with the blackberries, and i have been -- made these peanut butter bars, and then merged it with some jam bars; the second one was like the best pb&j i've ever eaten.

the apricot pit bucket is for infusing into alcohol. slaw, a doctor, was over last night, and i casually asked how much cyanide is okay to eat. she made a frowny face at me. then i said it was apricot pits and she was like "that's fine".

i really really need to either reclaim those baking sheets or get more; i use them more for organization than for baking, though.

reasonable drawer:

1 box of "plant based breakfast patties"

1 box of folded fake eggs

1 box of fake poached eggs

3 boxes of tofu skins (help)

8 dinner rolls (in the last month)

1 miniloaf of baharat banana bread (march?)

4oz of pepita dukkah (december)

8oz of flaxseeds (ancient)

6 little containers of apple butter (from a year ago)

1/3 pint of ice cream (a month or two)

2 little containers of a very condensed tomato-shallot sauce (possibly 2 years old)

1 jar of yeast (18 months)

uhhhh, ice

the dinner rolls are parker house rolls, but i don't actually like the parker house shape (too much hassle); i just do them as miniboules. they freeze and reheat perfectly. if i get another 9x13 i could do double batches, and maybe i will.

every now and then we eat bagel sands for breakfast, with bagels (real), egg (fake), sausage (fake), cheese (fake), and i love it. they're so good.

no idea what to do with the tofu skins; i've never used yuba before, and i haven't had hot pot either.

the ice is impossible to get out of the ice bucket, due to how shallowly the freezer drawer extends. for fashion reasons, there's no in-door ice or water dispenser.

[callsign-phoenix]

I wrote this as a part of my advent calendar fics, I hope you like it!

It is a Natasha ‘Phoenix’ Trace x gn!reader imagine.

Thank you @marvelandotherfandomimagines for proofreading!

Day 2: baking Christmas cookies

Warnings: a tiny bit of a sexual innuendo at the end

Natasha Trace was an absolute mess when it came to baking.

Your girlfriend was great at cooking dinner whenever she had a lot of time on her hands but even then the kitchen was left in ruins like a battlefield, with you kindly cleaning up after her.

In contrast to her you were good at baking and loved doing it, you loved baking all kinds of bread, cakes and yes, Christmas cookies.

You liked baking for your friends and family, you regularly brought cookies to meetings with Nat’s friends and coworkers, they loved your baking and adored you for bringing it along.

While you had more time off work than Nat did she preferred whenever you baked in her presence, she loved the smells and to watch you do what you were comfortable and routined with.

Natasha usually just sat there to watch you do your thing, it was a nice balance to her occasionally life-threatening job, but come Christmas time she was eager to interfere in your baking process whenever she could.

She called it ‘helping you out’ instead, but all that really happened was that she managed to complicate your baking process infinitely, while she added a lot more fun to it.

You had everything prepped up and ready waiting for her to get home when you heard the front door open and saw Nat step inside.

You told her to take her time to get comfortable and you were greeted by her in a baggy shirt, braless and in sweatpants a few minutes later, a smile gracing your face at how beautiful she looked when she felt comfy.

You received a peck on your lips as she hurried you along to the kitchen, scanning the ingredients you had put out to see if she could guess the cookie.

Her eyes passed over the egg, butter and the cups of different sugars and flour until they fell onto the peanut butter and Hershey’s kisses, which made a smile pass over Nat’s face at the realization of what you were baking.

The oven was quickly turned on and you started mixing the ingredients in a bowl, starting with sieving flour into a bowl.

You had developed a routine in which you poured the flour and she held the sieve, shaking it gently so the flour ran through the sieve better, but you hadn’t expected for her to purposely be mischievous this early on in your baking.

Focusing on pouring the flour you only realized what she was doing when it was too late, as you felt flour gently pour down onto your head.

A shocked shriek left your lips before you started laughing, knowing that you looked like you had been out in the snow, and that it was a mess to clean up.

Nat put down the sieve immediately but the grin on her face showed you exactly that she knew the damage was done as she looked you up and down.

You followed her gaze as far as you could, finding your shirt full of flour as well.

While she might have planned this playful attack in advance, Nat had forgotten that you were still holding the pack of flour in your hands, which gave you an obvious advantage.

A daring grin appeared on your face as you lifted the package and chugged some of the flour forwards, watching as it landed in her face and on the front of her shirt.

While the flour on your head and shoulders was sieved and therefore not as much in one space Nat was covered in the thick white substance, which had you burst out laughing as you got her a towel to wash it off.

Nat was laughing too, and she helped you clean up as well as you continued in your quest to make cookies that you hoped your friends would enjoy.

Much in contrast to your expectations Nat behaved and was actually productive the rest of the time, even helping to decorate them with the chocolate kisses before you put them back in the oven.

When you got them out you placed them on cooling racks to help them cool quicker, and you watched as Nat approached your cookies gingerly.

You smiled at her as she sat down on one of the chairs at the kitchen aisle to look down on the baked goods, picking one up and blowing on it until it was cold enough to eat.

She looked up at you and a grin spread on her face as she lifted it to her mouth, fully intent on teasing you with what she was about to do.

“They look like nipples,” she said softly before her eyelids fluttered and her lips came in contact with the cookie, still grinning teasingly while looking at you.

Your lips opened slightly as you saw her tongue dart out to run over the Hershey’s kiss at the top, before she took a seductive bite of your baked good.

You could feel your heartbeat picking up and your eyelids fluttered just like hers had as you watched her eat the cookie, the simple act evoking all kinds of feelings inside you.

You were by her side quickly and turned her so you could kiss her properly, tasting the sugar, chocolate and peanut butter on her lips, which only made you weaker.

The moan that left your lips was desperate and she chuckled into your kiss, her hands running over your body in anticipation.

It was the first time that baking had gotten you straight to the bathroom, but you knew it definitely wouldn’t be the last time.

tagging: @wildbornsiren @mayhem24-7forever @green-socks @hederasgarden @letsfvckingdance @shadeds-library @a-reader-and-a-writer @yespolkadotkitty @whateverbagman @neptunes-curse @sweetheartlizzie07 @top-gun-rooster @iloveprettyboysblog @ateliefloresdaprimavera @imjess-themess @littlebadariell @angstyjellybean @marchingicenotes7 @midget713 @supernaturaldawning @gspenc @adorephina @gigisimsonmars @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy @bespinnn @softromantist @malindacath @oliviah-25 @kwanimations @18crazybutcutealsopsycho @natasharomanoffisbaebby @simping4wanda @tamix44 @ycarlii @katesmadness @eggscrambler84 @d0ingitwithpassi0n @mavericksicybabe @kendra-rose @desert-fern @mavrellover91 @allivingstone01 @rhettabbotts @withakindheartx @trikigirl271 @cherrycola27 @footprintsinthesxnd @bonitanightmxres @harper1666

(please tell me if you want to be added to the taglist, or use this link)

[thessalian]

Thess vs The Yearly Dilemma

Actually, to be fair, The Yearly Dilemma is a little different this year. Because, of course, it is now December and the holidays will be upon us sooner than we probably care to think about. So as always, the question is: what do I get for the parentals?

Now, see, the parentals know damn well what the economic situation in this country is. Now, they might feel a little better about my getting them much of anything because of the sheer amount of overtime I've put in the last few months, but still, their whole thing is "DO NOT SPEND TOO MUCH MONEY ON US". So that puts some limiters on the whole thing. Still, if you're remotely creative (and I like to think I am), that still leaves a lot of options.

Now, my mother's more or less handled this year, though I need to consider something for her birthday. I was talking to my stepdad one of the times he was over and happened to point out my Foozies - big warm chunky alpaca-fleece slipper-socks. My stepdad didn't want a pair, as apparently he is one of those lucky sods whose extremities do not get cold, but he thought my mother might like a pair. I wanted a spare pair for myself anyway so when I went to order, I ordered two - one for me and one for her. They'll probably keep her feet warmer than her little ballerina slipper-looking things.

Now, for the last couple of years, the whole thing about "Do not make food for your stepdad; we generally have enough food around this time of year already" has gone effectively out the window. This is mostly because they know that's the least expensive way I have of gifting my stepdad with something he'd actually want (I mean, he's shit at even dropping hints anyway) ... but I think part of it is that, especially after the tidbits of my baking that have come his way this year, and last year's peanut butter fudge triumph, my stepdad is in no way going to turn away my cooking.

The question is ... what do I make the man?

I mean, it's probably going to be a selection anyway, because at least some of it is going to be a shared gift for him and my mother. But some of it has to be just for him. He's fond of peanut butter where my mother isn't, so there could be peanut butter bread. Also he really enjoyed my Admiral's Gingerbread, and showed keen interest when I mentioned making gingrebread cookies, so ginger's another flavour note I guess he likes. But honestly, he is not a picky person so just as long as it tastes good, it doesn't really matter. Which in a way is a pity because that really fuels the fires of my raging executive dysfunction.

As for me? Well, I've had Christmas and birthday gifts from the parentals this year already, and I have the autographs in my Tal'Dorei Campaign Setting guide to prove it. If they ask about smallish things this year ... I dunno. Depends on what they consider 'smallish', I suppose. Honestly, even just an extra set of measuring cups and measuring spoons would be nice. Seriously, my wants this year are relatively few, and a lot of them involve kitchen stuff. Well, that and just about anything off my Steam wish list - the bit I am going to miss this year is spending Steam gift cards in the Christmas sales.

(Still totally worth it.)

The kitchen stuff ... well ... I have an entire Amazon wish list specifically for the kitchen stuff I want. I've been chipping away at it a few items at a time, but there's always something else. Still, I can take these things slowly. At some point this week I'll be making gołąbki (it's pronounced go-WUMP-ki or go-LUMP-ki and it's basically Polish cabbage rolls), and that's mostly going to need the Le Creuset baking dish that I still love so very, very much. That and pierogi, which is mostly pots and my good skillet if I want to brown them after steaming. And I get a whole big chunk of overtime pay just in time for the after-Christmas sales, so I can probably whittle that list down a fair bit.

Oh, yeah, on the subject of cooking experiments, I made chicken katsu today. It actually came out really well, and I had real chicken katsu curry for the first time in aaaaaaaaaaaages. Go, me!

[cripplingparanoia]

🩷About me!💕

• I'm not going to say my legal name, but you may call me Ahana or Ana, & my initials are JJSS.

•I am 🧿21🪦, and my birthday is on Oct 2nd, so I am a ⚖️Sun in Libra🛡️

•I live in the United States

•I have 2 favorite colors, green and pink

•I also like blue, purple, brown, grey, black and white a lot

•My favorite animal is Manatees

•If I could go anywhere, I would go to Japan

•My favorite place to go is the beach

•I am not married but I hope to be.

•I have a baby son. Mother of One👶🏽🍼

•I am Bisexual💜Slytherin🐍Decepticon👾

•I am monogamous with men aside from girlfriends. That is to say, I will only be in a relationship with one man at a time, but whether I am with a man or woman, I am open to more girlfriends. It's not exactly "ambiamorous", but that is the closest label I know of. I am a 💞Lover🩷🔒💘Girl💕

•I am a 🪽Female🗝️ and I identify with that, I go by 🪬She/Her🌊, but due to my ♾️ Dx AuDHD🦖&OSDD-1b👥, as well as my spiritual and personal beliefs, ✝️Religiously Christian⛪ 🕉️Spiritually Omnist🌀, ☯️Hippie☮️, Im not sure that there is a way I can explain my experience of gender that would work, so I find it easier to stick with the default, and I think identifying as cis female is an important aspect that complements the more mysterious aspects of how I experience my identity (I am a woman but in the way moss, rain, and crows are. Like I'm not nb, I'm a girl, but I'm a swamp girl, I am made of mud, but in a female way)

•I would love to publish some of my novels and poetry, and it'd be nice if I ever released any of my music

•If I did get famous for my music I'd be like female Freddie Mercury.

•If my books took off tho, I'd probably just live alone in the woods in a cabin with a lil livestock and a garden, or just wherever I live before that, & occasionally do a book signing or something lol. Accept an award then disappear again lol

•When I was 13, my dream job was to be a Forensic Anthropologist after reading Deaths Acre. Now, it might still be a nice idea, but if I had to work, I'd either be in a daycare or pet store/shelter, or a funeral home, graveyard, or morgue. Lol, yeah, I tend to be starkly contrasting like that

•Other than that, it'd be nice to own a florist/plant nursery that also sells other lil stuff like crystals and fresh raw honey and dried flower crowns etc. or a cafe that has photo booths where you can have brunch and a photo shoot with the food & props

•My hobbies include baking, reading, watching TV, playing video games, watching YouTube, going on walks or runs, being in nature, going shopping, and making art or decorating. I'm trying to get into knitting, and I know how to sew, but I don't have a machine. I want to garden, and have pets and livestock eventually. I like hiking, swimming, camping, going on picnics, exploring, and going outdoors in general. I'd like to do more adventuring. I want to do ballet and belly dancing and karate. I'd need to exercise, do yoga, meditate and just relax more overall, do some spa or self care days... Aspiring Author🖋️📔

•My favorite foods are burritos, tacos, sushi jambalaya, pizza, and any soups or stews (beef stew)

•My favorite snacks are hot cheetos, cheese it's, gold fish, iced animal crackers, bread & rolls, mozzarella sticks, and charcuterie boards

•My favorite desserts are ice cream, cheesecake, chocolate cake, cookie cake, red velvet cake (I especially like those last 2 for my birthday), macrons, churros, sour gummy worms, sour patch kids, pie, snickerdoodles, peanut butter cookies, chocolate chip cookies, and iced sugar cookies (yk the ones)

•My favorite drinks are monster, black or sweetened coffee (mocha or pumpkin spice especially!), vodka!!! (w la croix), tequila, whiskey, mountain dew, dr. pepper, smoothies, and lemonade

•My all time favorite song is Puppy Princess by Hot Freaks, and the my top 4 (of 5) is Heatwaves by Glass animals, Cry By Cigarettes after sex, Treehouse by Alex G, and the lonely by Christina Perry

•My favorite artists are XXXTENTACION, Queen, My Chemical Romance, ICP, Marina and the diamond, Melanie Martinez, Lana Del Rey, Mitsuki, Lil Tecca, Juice Wrld, Lil Peep YNW Melly, and Joji

•My favorite movies are The Breakfast Club, Pretty Woman, Harry Potter, and Star Wars.

•My favorite shows are Transformers G1, Adventure Time, Gravity Falls, Regular Show, Steven Universe, My Little Pony, South Park, and Naruto.

•My favorite books are The Furthest Away Mountain by Lynn Reid Banks, The Girl of Fire and Thorns Series by Rae Carson, A Separate Peace by John Knowles, A Long Walk To water by Linda Sue Park, and Animal Farm by George Orwell.

•My other favorite songs are anything by XXXTENTACION (especially NEVER and KING) and Queen (especially Killer Queen and Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy) and My Chemical Romance (Especially Demolition Lovers, The World is Ugly, and The Light Behind Your Eyes), Piggy Pie & Sixicde Hotline by ICP, Something in the Way Dumb, Rxpe Me, and Polly by Nirvana, Money Machine, Hand Crushed By a Mallet, Stupid Horse and Dumbest Girl Alive by 100 gecs, Heyloft and Verbatim by Mother Mother, Hold on Till May by Pierce the Veil, I'm Not a Vampire by Falling in Reverse, all I want is you by Rebzyyx, TV by Billie Eillish, Lucky by Lucky twice, Go Ghost by Karlaaa, Mary by Alex G, Nowhere to Run by Stegosaurus Rex, and No Wind Resistance by Kinneret.

[mesaprotector]

I don’t know how many people on Tumblr are into cooking at all (I should probably be posting this on Instagram or Facebook or w/e) but I started reading a few cooking forums for ideas within the past few months and one of the weirdest disagreements I have is that all of these places just *worship* salt. Apparently salt improves anything and everything, from pasta to coffee to caramel ice cream, and anyone who thinks otherwise must have grown up in Ohio on a diet of fried Jello and flat Diet Pepsi.

I like salty foods to an extent - I heavily salt stuff that *needs* it. Fried rice? Pasta sauces? Great. But I add only a small amount to bread and most desserts (I bake muffins completely unsalted, except corn muffins), and they still disappeared at a pretty solid rate when I used to bake for my roommates. At the store I search out unsalted tortilla chips, unsalted peanut butter... and I might also be the only Jewish person alive who thinks matzah is pretty good, actually.

Does anyone else also think salt is just... another ingredient, like sugar and lemon juice and black pepper?

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal January 5, 2023

I just left after volunteering my time at the data center the first time. The day center at my church, I arrived at nine and left at about 150 in the afternoon. Barbara is correct, you could not make up the stories if you try. No one would believe that. I can already tell that some people there are absolute characters. I heard about someone and took her son at this moment son who, they both need a walker in order to move unless they've had alcohol in which case they can move freely and completely.

I wore my boots, I need different boots. I want to say I need to open toed boots, but I think what I need is zero trough boots, that will let my toes appropriately spread out. I've worked all day on my feet

Once, I know what being on my feet should feel that I hello, my lower back hurts.

I got woken up this morning earlier at Ornish, Sucre. I pray for about an hour that I feel like I got told to go back to bed. I chose in and out of sleep until around eight. I had not set my alarm, which I will do now on. Ashley is actually one woke me up phone call at 8 AM.

– And I seem to have come to a reasonable meeting of the minds regarding money. She's going to continue paying the rents, and that technically will be my income from which I will time. That I think will actually handle most of my monthly expenses not counting taxes. I still need to check to see what my guy has said about my savings.

In the past week Ash and I had been fighting about it a lot. She got hired, but I congratulated for a number four, then five minutes later I started talking about tithing. I do not handle it well. She is understandably upset, considering that she justifiably feels that I lied to her which was not consciously intentional, but practically, for all practical measures is what happened. She proposed the solution of just continuing to pay rent, and from that I will try.

For my first day in the day center, I started off by wiping down tables, and then I spent most the day in the kitchen just serving coffee serving whatever meal people asked for. We had some soup we had some toast with the, with the options of peanut butter, jelly, butter, we also had oatmeal, soup, baked potato, baked sweet potato, those last two were microwaved., Several different kinds of bread. I currently find it striking that I am more easily able to list off the food and items I dealt with rather than the people I dealt with. I know that it used to be true. I feel like I stored a significant chunk of my brain into memorizing the names of people and their faces.

Really was there today, I also saw Pastor Heather. I wish them both a happy new year. Barbara, saw, and Donnie were there. I also saw Garrett's, who is in charge of social services. Donny and I talked a little bit about poetry, and the next poetry meeting. Barbara is a gem. She may have the attitude of being the class clown, but she also has a knack and skill, of interacting with people. Right now, I feel like a wet blanket. I don't feel like I have the skill of interacting with a lot of different people, or bringing moods up.

I'm not certain that any particular tricks for tips are going to help me with this group. I don't think trying to be or charismatic will help. I mean, it might but only to a certain extent. It still something worth looking into. But I think maybe learning this group of people will be more helpful. Just this learning people's names, I know I recognize faces from people of the church, not being afraid to just stay in the kitchen. They mentioned how on Tuesdays there are Mormon missionaries who come to spend time it be helpful.. They would worth it would be worthwhile to be there to observe and learn that.

I am beginning to realize what I have done. I left my job. I have not been without one, really, since I left school. And even that, searching for a job was my job. And before school, school was my job. I have yet to actually figure out what my job is right now, beyond writing, and obeying God. The second is it's a job, it's a joy. At least I keep telling myself that, sometimes it is not fun. I'm just realizing how much of who I am as a person, and how much my job dictated my time.

[alan-corbie]

Some of these are just shit, and some honestly piss me off, so I'll rant a bit in bullet points under the cutoff

Seeds. You'll probably end up damaging the book over time, even if it takes a lot of seeds to do so. Just do it normally or (if you need just the seeds for baking) just buy sunflower seeds without the shells.

Rake bread. Obviously cut ahead of time, smooth bladed knives don't cut bread like that, and you are generally better off using a serated knife, like say a bread knife.

Airblasting garlic. Why yes, most people have an air compressor in their home.

Avocado squish. Looks like another prepared ahead of time moment. I don't eat avocados, so I'm not so sure whether or not they would split like that, but it looks too clean of a split to me.

Butter flossing. At least I'm guessing it's butter, because I doubt most yellow cheeses (at least the ones I'm familiar with) are soft enough. My guess is warm butter might be easier to cut this way, so partial points. Still looks cut ahead of time to me.

I'm honestly what sure they are trying to demonstrate with the coconut, bonus points for potentially having the one in your hand crack and leave a mess everywhere.

Coconut shavings. The video does all the talking for me on this with the shavings scrapings going everywhere.

Pomegranate juice. This pisses me off. The word grenade comes from the name of the fruit, because early grenades resembled pomegranates on the inside due to packing a ton of pellets/shrapnel inside with the charge, which is what a pomegranate looks like inside, a plethora of small seeds, each coated in a little bit of pulp and barely a cm, packed tightly together, with largely inedible skin separating the individual clumps. If you try this food hack, you'll get a mess of pomegranate juice, shards of seeds (if they are blended by the mixer) and torn up bits of this film, that you really don't want in you juice. Get a proper juicer if you want pomegranate juice. Eff off, food hacks.

Makeshift grater. First, you are ruining your knife, second, driving a knife through a lid jar isnt that easy, third, you are exposing the metal to corrosion, forth, you can see just how shit this hack works before they cut away to the full jar!

And just for some positive points, using a ladel to aid peeling a grapefruit looks like it might work if you do some cutting ahead of time much like the vid apparently does. Peanuts in a mesh bag is actually pretty ingenious if you wnat to get rid of the skin. Can confirm microwaving garlic makes it somewhat easier to peel, just let it cool a bit, they need a minute and will be hot as a result.

Final verdict: I hate lifehack / 5 minute craft videos. They will skip several steps so that it looks cool, or the idea just doesn't work outright

some of these seem a bit more complicated than just going normal, neat tho

[kryptonitejelly]

Here with some soft big family dad!jake thoughts -

Baking things from scratch with the entire family! Breads, desserts, etc. and of course he makes dog friendly treatos!

Outdoor family movie nights (especially on the big ole ranch) he sets up those huge inflatable movie projectors and has a cute little popcorn stand.

Okay I’m done…for now👀

L i n d s 😭 this ended up longer than intended and the outdoor movie nights GOT ME GOOD.

So as I have said before, my hc is Jake can cook (might not be the best, but he can for sure). I don’t feel like he can bake, but once he has kids? The man learns.

I’m going to say it is because while he wants his kids to be kids, and for them to try everything - Jake is all about moderations, he doesn’t want them scarfing down too much sugary stuff from outside - because he had to be abit of a health nut in some way (I am convinced - see that body), but not an overly crazy way, especially not with you and the kids. He just wants you guys to be healthy and happy.

So he learns - you teach him, his sisters teach him.

Some Sundays, it’s mass baking day for the week - you make breads, normal banana muffins, weird oat protein banana muffins for Jake, cranberry or oatmeal or peanut butter cookies for your kids for the week. He’ll totally eat those home made no bake date / nut balls as well.

And of course - the dogs, who are family get their own treats as well.

Because your kids are still small, toddlers / children (let’s say you only have three here rn) - it is chaotic. But the sunlight is streaming in and the kitchen smells fantastic, and there are little happy giggles and voices.

You see your eldest dip her finger into the batter of the normal banana muffins and lick it, before grinning at her father in delight.

“Good?” Jake will ask, and she nods, before dipping her finger back in and offering it to him.

He grabs her tiny hand and licks the batter off, before gasping hugely and going, “most delicious thing ever!!”

She is p l e a s e d.

Jake picks her up and tickles her, it has her squealing and the dogs are barking and the kid, is laughing and the baby cuddled to your chest is gurgling happily, drooling onto your top.

When it’s all done, you chase the kids out to the backyard, apart from the baby who you put down for her nap. You can see the two kids and dogs running outside from the kitchen window while you and Jake clean up.

He stands behind you, arms going around your mid section as you both watch.

“Just three more to go,” he tells you, but while kissing his way up your neck. It makes you hum in satisfaction, but you also protest.

“Your last kid hasn’t been out of me that long yet.”

“Mhmmm,” he’ll just hum snd continue kissing his way up your skin, maybe even sucking and leaving a visible hickey - because c’mon - even after three kids, it is Jake.

Ahhhhh OUTDOOR MOVIE NIGHTS. WHEN ALL YOUR KIDS ARE OLDER.

It is summer and everyone is at the family ranch - Jake’s sisters and all their kids. There is huge projector, picnic blankets and pillows all around, popcorn from a stand, fairy lights.

You and Jake are lounging on a picnic blanket together,your youngest, still just a toddler between you both, occupied with the blocks in his hands.

The rest of the children are… somewhere…. with their cousins, among the sea of aunts / uncles / family.

Jake reaches over, his hand cupping one side of your face. Sayyyy you are wearing a white summer dress, your face is flushed from summer and wine.

“Five kids later and you only get more beautiful with each one”.

It’ll make you giddy, because even after so many kids and years later - Jake sweeps you off your feet.

He’ll tug you towards him by your chin, and press a kiss to your lips. It is of course, not just a kiss, but a kiss.

And it goes on for longer than it needs to be.

Everyone is used to this by now - his family, your kids, his nieces / nephews. Jake has never been shy about physical affection with you.

But it still earns him shouts of “eWwWwww uNcLe JAkE!!” and “ewwWwwww DAdddd” - some of the older nieces and nephews (who were kids when you both started dating) are just doing it for fun / habit at this point.

Even your toddler stands up and toddles over to the neighbouring picnic blanket with one of his aunts.

It makes him kiss you deeper, and you can feel his smirk.

He finally pulls away, and drags you to him, against his chest, arm around you, just chuckling in amusement.

“I’m going to be there with a microphone when all you little turds find your partners,” he yells out (because he is a lil childish yk), and you turn your face into his chest, your own shoulders shaking with laughter.

[aggressive-positivity-network]

lets assume all the mercs have One recipe that's their speciality. what is it?

Oooooh, yes! I like to imagine that at one point they tried to cook their dishes all at once for a potluck, leading to some wholesome but messy chaos.

******************

Putting The Hell In Kitchen

Engineer:

Engineer is probably the best cook out of all of them, so it would be difficult to choose just one specialty.

However, the recipe he likes using the most is a loaded mac n’ cheese - four different kinds of cheese, bread crumbs, sour cream, and crispy bacon bits.

There have been all-out wars over that dish, usually ending in teeth being knocked out and bullet holes in the wall.

For this reason, Engineer tries to make plenty. The leftovers are awarded like a badge of honor.

Scout:

With most things, Scout is a terrible cook. He burns meat, half-cooks pasta, and leaves out produce for so long that it wilts.

But there’s one thing he can make: popcorn.

In the colder months, when it’s raining or snowing outside, Scout makes his famous popcorn. But instead of butter, he sprinkles a mixture of spices and sugars into the bowl.

No one, not even Spy, can figure out what Scout puts in there exactly, but it’s like kettle corn crack.

It’s a Smissmas staple among the mercs.

Demo:

You might expect Demo to make a good whiskey or vodka, but his actual specialty is seafood.

Fish, shrimp, crawfish…anything that used to swim, he can cook.

But his most famous dish is boiled lobster tails with a secret sauce.

Even mercs who claim to hate seafood leave their plate empty.

Sniper:

Because of his survival training, Sniper can make even overripe berries and bark taste halfway decent.

The few dishes he makes outside of necessity are very simple - if it can’t be readily found outdoors, he doesn’t use it often.

However, he brings the best of simplicity and savory with his grilled steak.

On very special occasions, he’ll marinate it, but because of how familiar he is with plants and spices, it’s still quite flavorful without it.

Like Scout, the steak usually comes out around Christmastime, per the Australian tradition.

Heavy:

Heavy cooks quite often - he even rivals Engineer in the range of dishes he can make.

Soup, pastries, meat…there’s very few things that he can’t make.

His specialty, though, is something rather simple: a thick, meaty stew with a range a vegetables and seasonings.

If a mercenary is sick, he brings them this stew with a few blini (Russian pancakes) to help them regain their appetite.

It’s the collective comfort food of the team.

Spy:

Spy has the knowledge to cook, but simply chooses not to most of the time. And if he does, it’s usually for himself.

But he does have one recipe that he has reluctantly shared with the group.

With sticky rice and a savory filling, he makes some of the best rice balls they’ve ever tasted.

When Heavy asked where Spy learned to make them, he blanched and sputtered out that he learned it from a friend in spy school.

Yet another mystery of Spy’s past.

Pyro:

Due to their goggle vision, it’s very difficult for Pyro to cook much of anything.

Instead of trusting them near an oven, Miss Pauling suggested a few non-bake options. And thus the Pyro Pretzel was born.

A Pyro Pretzel is made by dipping a long, straight pretzel into melted chocolate, then decorating it with sprinkles, edible glitter, and whatever else was small enough to stick.

This caused such creations as Ants on a Branch (a pretzel dipped in peanut butter and covered in raisins) and Balloonacorn Blast (where different colored icing was dipped and dried one at a time for a rainbow effect, then drowned in sprinkles).

Since Pyro is always trying something new with this recipe, it’s a favorite quick afternoon snack for the mercs.

Medic:

Medic is a monster in the kitchen - not because he doesn’t know how to cook, but because, as with his experiments, he likes to see how far he can take a recipe.

A simple sandwich can turn into an infectious microbiome within the lunch hour.

So, since he’s banned from the stove - due to what Miss Pauling has dubbed “The Lasagna Incident” - he does his culinary creation in the lab.

The only thing he makes that can be consumed by the general public is his special All-Flavored Hard Candy.

Medic constantly adds new chemicals and sugar structures to the candy, causing a wide range of strange but oddly satisfying flavors.

Scout swears that he ate one that tasted like fried chicken, and Spy was shocked to find his had the flavor of mulberry wine.

But be careful…you may get one that tastes like toothpaste. Or worse.

Soldier:

Like Pyro, it’s hard to trust Soldier around anything with fire.

Despite his callousness when it comes to most things, though, he somehow makes a potato salad so good that it makes Engineer look like he’s about to cry.

During the summer months, you can always see a container of it in the refrigerator - that is, if the others haven’t eaten it first.

Thank you very much for the request! This is probably the first time I’ve ever finished one in a single day!

[theotherjourney7]

“Woke up this morning (19 January 2022) to the radio talking about the cost of living rising a further 5%. It infuriates me the index that they use for this calculation, which grossly underestimates the real cost of inflation as it happens to people with the least. Allow me to briefly explain.

This time last year, the cheapest pasta in my local supermarket (one of the Big Four), was 29p for 500g. Today it’s 70p. That’s a 141% price increase as it hits the poorest and most vulnerable households.

This time last year, the cheapest rice at the same supermarket was 45p for a kilogram bag. Today it’s £1 for 500g. That’s a 344% price increase as it hits the poorest and most vulnerable households.

Baked beans: were 22p, now 32p. A 45% price increase year on year.

Canned spaghetti. Was 13p, now 35p. A price increase of 169%.

Bread. Was 45p, now 58p. A price increase of 29%.

Curry sauce. Was 30p, now 89p. A price increase of 196%.

A bag of small apples. Was 59p, now 89p (and the apples are even smaller!) A price increase of 51%.

Mushrooms were 59p for 400g. They’re now 57p for 250g. A price increase of 56%. (This practise, of making products smaller while keeping them the same price, is known in the retail industry as ‘shrinkflation’ and its insidious as hell because it’s harder to immediately spot.)

Peanut butter. Was 62p, now £1.50. A price increase of 142%.

These are just the ones that I know off the top of my head - there will be many many more examples! When I started writing my recipe blog ten years ago, I could feed myself and my son on £10 a week. (I’ll find the original shopping list later and price it up for today’s prices.)

The system by which we measure the impact of inflation is fundamentally flawed - it completely ignores the reality and the REAL price rises for people on minimum wages, zero hour contracts, food bank clients, and millions more.

But I guess when the vast majority of our media were privately educated and came from the same handful of elite universities, nobody thinks to actually check in with anyone out here in the world to see how we’re doing. (Fucking terribly, thanks for asking.)

Every time there’s a news bulletin on the rising cost of living, I hope that today might be the day that that some real journalism happens, and someone stops to consider those of us outside of the bubble. Maybe today might finally be that day.

(But seeing I’ve been banging on about this for a decade now, it’s probably not going to be. Thanks for reading anyway, I appreciate it.)

And just to add:

- an upmarket ready meal range was £7.50 ten years ago, and is still £7.50 today.

- a high-end stores ‘Dine In For Two For £10’ has been £10 for as long as I can remember.

- my local supermarket had 400+ items in their value range, it’s now 91 (and counting down)

The margins are always, always calculated to squeeze the belts of those who can least afford it, and massage the profits of those who have money to spare. And nothing demonstrates that inequality quite so starkly as tracking the prices of ‘luxury’ food vs ‘actual essentials’. 😤

To return to the luxury ready meal example, if the price of that had risen at the same rate as the cheapest rice in the supermarket, that £7.50 lasagne would now cost £25.80.

Dine In For £10 would be £34.40.

We’re either all in this together, or we aren’t.

(Spoiler: we aren’t)

Now, picture if you will, the demographic of the voter who has kept the current Party in power for the last 11 years. Imagine the Chancellor having to explain to them that their precious microwave dinner now cost almost four times what it did yesterday.

Yeah, didn’t think so.

I mean of all the things, the Prime Minister claiming that he's cutting the cost of living while the price of basic food products shoot up by THREE

HUNDRED AND FORTY FOUR PERCENT is the one I'm properly angry enough to riot over.”-Jake Monroe

[ohtendril]

If you’re still doing the fic trope prompt, accidental eavesdropping + everybody knows/mistaken for a couple for Ted and Rebecca?

It had become Rebecca’s little Sunday ritual to walk to the Richmond Green in the morning, early enough so that she could sit on a bench or a blanket without anyone recognizing her, but late enough for the sun to warm her skin. That day she’d brought a book, and a tea with chocolate croissant she’d grabbed from a small bakery she walked past every day.

She made her way to one of the benches, took out her book and put on a Taylor Swift album that Keeley (and Ted, to her surprise) was so insistent she should give a try. Just as she was getting into the plot of the book, her phone started blowing up with texts from Keeley.

That Friday Keeley came to her, all excitement, talking about organizing a birthday surprise for Sam. She'd become invested in the planning, not because Sam was her favorite, as some people might have pointed out, but because she was enjoying watching the team come together and be a unit even outside the club. And though Keeley held the reins, she lent a hand whenever she could.

Now it seemed that there was a last minute birthday cake crisis (something about mixed dates? She could keep up with the speed of messages coming in).

Why don't you bake it? She sent, obviously joking. She knew Roy could bake mean scones, but she saw Keeley’s reaction to the “fold in the cheese” scene on Schitts Creek and wasn't so sure she should be allowed near an oven with no supervision.

Are you mad???

WAIT

COULD TED DO IT?

Omg

Can you ask him?

Why me?

You just have a way with him 😏

What does that even mean?

He has literally never said no to you

Rebecca took a second to actually think about it. And, well. He did agree to that interview when she wanted the Independent to do a profile on him. He did agree to a photo shoot (although she did arrange for him to wear Tom Ford so that might not count). And he did try the tea she’d made for him after she'd told him he'd just been drinking it wrong (it was more sweetened tea-tinted milk but still). And the list grew.

Okay.

She replied simply before dialing his number, the music in her headphones stopping.

"Top of the mornin', boss!" he greeted cheerily.

"Hi Ted."

"What can I do you for, boss?"

She breathed a small sigh and raised her eyes when an older lady pointed to the empty space next to her. She smiled encouragingly for her to go ahead.

"There's been a hitch in the plan for Sam's birthday. We-" she paused and thought back to Keeley's message. She might as well, "I might need you to bake the cake."

"Oh? What happened?"

"Not entirely sure, to be quite honest, but Keeley's freaking out about it."

“Okay,” he fell silent for a second and it was enough to make her regret asking him in the first place, when he added, “I’ll do it.”

“Are you sure? You don’t mind?” guilt making itself comfortable in her mind. “I don’t want you to feel like,” like I’m using you, “like you have to. We could still-”

“Poppycock!” he interrupted her and she had to control the snort that threatened to escape at how ridiculous that word sounded in his mouth.

“Poppycock?” this time the chuckle was out before she caught it.

“Yeah, fiddlesticks. Humbug. A bunch of hooey. Balderdash!”

She rolled her eyes, but the smile on her face betrayed her amusement. “I get it, Ted,” she said, stopping his nonsense (quite literally).

“You know I always have my baking game on! Besides, I made his birthday cake last year too. Now it’s a tradition.”

“You did?” she remembered the green slice of heaven she’d enjoyed once Higgins had left her office that evening. She should’ve known.

“I might have to do something different this time. Chocolate sponge maybe? You think he likes chocolate?” he asked without waiting for an answer. “I’m sure he does. Who doesn’t like chocolate? Okay lemme see,” she heard him rummaging around in his kitchen, imagined him opening his fridge and pantry, looking for ingredients. “I got eggs and butter and flour. Oh, yep, there she is. We’re in business, cocoa powder. Chocolate sponge is a go.”

She continued to listen to his rambling about frosting and fondant and how one time he wanted to impress Michelle’s parents and baked a banana bread with peanut butter swirls. “It was delicious. Too bad her mum was allergic to bananas.” And she laughed out loud.

She only realised she'd smiled through their whole conversation when she’d hung up, seeing her own reflection in the screen of her phone, laughter lines etched in her cheeks.

“How long have you two been married?”

She jolted a little at the gentle voice of the older lady she didn’t realise was still sitting next to her. “Excuse me?”

“Oh, I’m sorry dear, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. But you and the lad sound like a lovely couple.” The lady started getting up, hooking her bag on her arm. “I hope your son has a lovely birthday.”

[folerdetdufoler]

What are Magic 8ball Evak doing today? I miss them.

xo

hey, sorry, you sent this a few weeks ago i think and i really got hung up on it.

usually this kind of thing would be fun to think about but because of the way time works i didn’t know how to write around it! like, when you sent it it was late august, and technically that had like, just happened in the story. we’d just had a late august, so i couldn’t figure out if i should write another “late august day” almost a year after the story finished, even though i only finished the story back in april. that felt like too much of a time jump though, and i hadn’t given isak and even enough time to grow after the story ended. someone else had asked for an update in the comments on ao3 and i couldn’t give them one, not the same way i have been doing for mondays. but i do want to do something, so…

even’s birthday fell on a sunday. it was the first one isak would be celebrating with him, so isak wanted it to be special. but so did sigrid, and she worked faster than him. she invited them to their house for dinner months in advance, which annoyed even. the saturday before, when they were all hanging out at elias’s apartment, even spent most of the time grumbling about it.

“i thought things were getting better with you guys?” elias asked from his throne.

even sighed. “yeah, i mean, we’re fine. this guy is her new bff.” even patted the head of curls sitting against the couch between his legs. “but i just know it’s going to be this over-the-top thing that i don’t want to have to deal with on my birthday of all days. i don’t want that attention.”

isak paused the race he was playing against mikael and whipped around. “you love the attention.”

“yours, not hers.” even gave that same head a correcting tap and isak returned to the game. “if she actually wanted to celebrate my birthday with me then she would ask me what i would like to do, and then maybe it would be something i would enjoy.”

isak scoffed but didn’t pause the game this time. “if she did that you would just tell her to leave you alone.”

“happy birthday to me!”

“then you should just tell her no, you don’t want to spend your birthday with her.” elias doled out the reasonable and obvious advice.

“i would have, but she invited both of us and isak accepted immediately. besides, it’s kind of a regular thing now, sunday dinners.”

“that’s cute,” mutta noted as he walked in from the kitchen with a bag of pretzels and jar of peanut butter. mikael pointed to the coffee table, a silent command to place the snack within his reach.

isak felt a little guilty then, but he kept it to himself. they kept playing their game until it was mutta’s turn, and then isak pushed himself to his feet. he gestured to even to follow him to the kitchen.

even had a big smile on his face as they stepped away, because he was probably thinking isak wanted to kiss him in the privacy of another room. isak did pull him in close by the waist, but it wasn’t for kisses. “we can skip tomorrow,” he offered instead.

even froze for a second, but then shook his head. “no, no, we can go. i would only make it worse by skipping.”

“i would be happy to tell her we’re skipping but take her out to dinner on her own another night, smooth things over.”

even chuckled. “i absolutely love that you feel comfortable having one-on-one dates with my mother but it’s really not necessary. I’m just…complaining. and i’ll complain a little bit more in therapy, and then i’ll work through why i’m complaining and then i’ll be in a better mood for tomorrow. okay?” he reached up and rubbed isak’s shoulders in reassurance.

“will you tell me about it when you get home?” sometimes even shared what they’d talked about and sometimes he didn’t. isak was getting better about asking permission to cross the ever-changing border.

even’s eyes shifted to the side. “it depends on what we dig up.”

isak accepted this. “okay.” he leaned in to kiss even’s cheek, physically changing the subject. “my next question is…how angry do you think elias will be if i steal the big pillows?”

―――

isak had moved into even’s apartment right before christmas, hauling bags and suitcases back and forth over a few days until most of his belongings were at even’s. he fit a desk and his nice chair in the bedroom, and somehow all of his clothes fit in even’s closet. the giant pillows he’d bought had stayed at elias’s apartment, mostly because they would get more use there; the boys still gathered on saturdays and needed the extra seating. but after even left for therapy this was isak’s chance to make the steal without ruining his surprise.

mikael helped him carry them to even’s apartment, since he was ready to leave around the same time as isak. they didn’t talk much on the walk over, but isak knew that that was mikael’s preferred level of communication, and they were both comfortable with it. isak would much prefer a mikael at peace than a mikael ready to launch an attack.

they deposited the pillows in the living room and mikael turned to leave. “we should be here at six?” he asked over his shoulder.

“yeah. i don’t know how late we’ll be but if we leave early then that would be a good time.”

“okay. and elias still has his key?”

“yup.” isak followed mikael down the stairs to their shoes.

“aight. we’ll see you tomorrow then.” mikael offered his hand for a casual slap-shake goodbye, the most physical intimacy isak had ever experienced with him.

“thanks for the help!”

mikael disappeared. isak went back upstairs to find his phone and finalize plans with kari anne in the group chat.

―――

isak dressed nicely for dinners at sigrid & jan’s house. this time he had a red fair isle sweater and dark wash jeans, and some chunky socks keeping his feet warm in his leather boots. even wore something very similar, but his sweater was cream with a different pattern. “do you think she’ll want to take pictures of us again?” even wondered while he combed back his hair, then gently mussed it into a style.

“of course. it’s your birthday. and we look handsome.” isak was applying a dot of concealer just because he could, though he would have to ask emma for more if he wanted to keep up this routine. even put his comb bak in the drawer then leaned in to kiss isak on his opposite cheek. he added a smack to his ass on the way out.

isak liked to dress up a bit because it felt like sigrid and jan dressed up too. it was the polite thing to do, but also isak knew that conversation would flow better if they were all on the same page, even with their appearance. they were all putting the same level of effort into the gathering, and then no one would feel out of place. and it wasn’t too much extra effort, because they would just save the same outfits for work the next day…as long as they didn’t get any stains on them.

they gathered their outerwear as they walked down the stairs, pulling hats and scarves and heavy coats from the hooks along the walls. isak checked in with even right before they left. “are you sure?”

even nodded and smiled and isak didn’t doubt the honesty of his response. he’d shared that his session yesterday had gone well, and they’d talked about certain behaviors from sigrid and himself that he wanted to avoid. “like i’ve been remembering things she’s said and reacting to those instead of what she’s actually doing now. when i feel ready to discuss those past…transgressions, then i need to have a conversation specifically about those moments, versus whatever might be triggering those memories now, whether they’re related or not. otherwise it’s kind of like these mixed messages. she won’t understand what’s actually upsetting me.”

on the way over isak suggested a dinner with just his parents, where isak stayed home. “would it be easier, or give you more of an opportunity to discuss those things without me there?”

“maybe another time. sundays are nice with you.” he gave isak’s hand a squeeze.

they held hands in public now, while they were commuting to work or grocery shopping or walking over to elias’s or meeting emma for dinner. if isak happened to catch a stranger’s curious look, he might tense up a bit, but he didn’t let go anymore.

sigrid & jan’s house was a tiny thing that they’d moved into after even went to university. its yard was bigger than the actual house, but it was completely filled with jan’s garden. another nice thing about going to visit was that they always came home with plenty of seasonal crops. and in the winter it was usually canned fruits, jams, or pickled veggies. sigrid greeted them with big hugs and jan immediately presented two very small jars of “blackberry jam! i got just enough off of that bush at the back.”

“i thought it had died!” even exclaimed, the genuine shock and delight at the gift lifting his voice.

“it’s definitely on its last legs…uh, roots.”

“he was out there every day scouring the brambles.” sigrid shook her head but she was clearly proud of his efforts. then she took isak’s hand and pulled him to the kitchen. even and jan went to the tall closet at the back of the living room where jan stored his jars. “you both look so cozy today. remind me to take a picture later.” she brought him to the stove where she had two large pots simmering. she pointed to one. “i need you to blend that while i get this bread finished.”

“what is it?”

“that’s butternut squash, and this…is a ministrone. kind of. i’ve taken some liberties.”

isak picked up the immersion blender that was sitting next to the stove. sigrid had gotten it started but it was still chunky in spots. while he stood there and mixed the soup she sliced a loaf of bread and laid it out on a baking tray. each slice got a thick spread of butter. isak stepped to the side so she could open the oven and slide the tray in for a quick broil.

she flicked her eyes toward the living room and then leaned toward isak’s chest. “how has he been?”

sigrid asked this question every time they were together. isak had thought it was just general curiosity about the new relationship, but once isak revealed that to even he had rolled his eyes. she was asking isak because it was the nervous curiosity that even had tried to distance himself from years ago. eventually he told his mother to stop using isak to get answers about her own son. that turned into an argument where sigrid nearly started crying about how even wouldn't answer her so she had no choice. she excused herself from the table and jan was left to host the boys through the rest of a very quiet dinner.

at this point isak was comfortable pushing back to defend even’s boundary. “sigrid, you know i’m not going to speak for him. how’s this, is it smooth enough?”

she glanced into the pot. “yes, that looks good.” isak’s deflection seemed to work. “now grab some bowls from the shelf for me please. thank goodness he found a tall one to bring home,” she muttered to herself. isak blushed but easily picked four bowls from up high.

even and jan came to the kitchen shortly after, with jan still talking as they headed to the table. isak passed them the silverware and glasses to set out at each seat. then he helped sigrid carry the pots to the table. before she sat down she dropped a kiss on the crown of even’s head. “how are you doing?” she asked as casually as she could as she moved to her chair. isak sat on the other side of the table, so the couples could look at each other directly. isak studied even as he answered.

“i’m fine, mamma. a little nervous about pappa’s grand scheme over here, but everything else is okay.” isak couldn’t hear any tension in his voice so he relaxed a little bit.

“oh, is he trying to get you on his side about buying a van?”

“how else will i transport my vegetables, sigrid?” jan sounded exasperated by her skepticism.

“dearest, you don’t even have the stall permit yet. don’t put the cart—excuse me, the van—before the horse.”

“catch me up?” isak requested of the table in general. jan gleefully started from the beginning with his grand plan to join the farmer’s market that summer, with the full list of his crops and ideas for clever names for his backyard farm.

most of dinner was spent discussing this great undertaking, with even contributing creative enthusiasm and sigrid sprinkling it all with caution and logic. then they pivoted to jan’s work at the office, and how he found his attention shifting so easily in the warmer months. jan and sigrid lived comfortably and were starting to entertain plans for retirement. that led to talking about the cabin, which turned into the perfect segue by the time they were clearing the table for dessert.

Isak fetched smaller plates from an even higher shelf, and even clapped when sigrid revealed his cake. it was a tall layer cake draped in swirls of light blue icing. there were six candles on top and even’s name written in a shaky, dark blue script. “do you remember that picture you put in the folder for me? the close-up of his face?” sigrid asked isak. he nodded. every few weeks he picked a photo (with even’s approval) from his phone and uploaded it as a wordless update for his parents. that one had been from early december, when they went out for lunch on a random tuesday, just to get some sunlight. “i zoomed in on his eyes and picked the blue color from there.” sigrid twisted to even and cupped his cheeks with her small hands. even leaned into the adoring gesture and those blue eyes crinkled up with a smile. they shared a silent moment of connection and then she released him to stand in front of her chair. isak stood up too. jan struck a match to light the candles.

even laughed and gamely clapped while they sang the birthday song. he watched isak spin around with a little flare, and isak genuinely enjoyed performing something he used to roll his eyes at. then even paused to make a wish and blew out the candles. isak knew he would ask him what he wished for later.

the cake was delicious, and they each had two slices. even tried to flick icing across the table at isak but sigrid threatened him with a spoon. “if you get icing on my wall you are cleaning it up, birthday boy.” even agreed to those terms and kept trying. then jan left the table for the bedroom, and returned by sliding a tall, skinny cardboard box through the kitchen. it had a blue bow stuck on top, which was enough, since it would’ve taken an obscene amount of wrapping paper to cover the whole thing.

“eh?” even stood to look at the box.

“happy birthday, dearest.” sigrid looked very proud of the gift and was enjoying even’s puzzlement. jan stepped back and let even walk around it. they had to hold it at the top so it wouldn’t fall over.

“it’s heavy….” even’s eyes scanned each side. “is…did you get me a bed?” he gripped the box to turn it around, showing sigrid and isak the diagram on the other side. it was, in fact, a bed. “thank you,” even whispered, without much conviction.

“it looks like a nice bed,” isak added, coming around the table to look at the dimensions. “we can get the guys to help us carry it upstairs.”

“oh no! no!” sigrid nearly yelled. “it’s not for—it’s for the cabin. you don’t have to carry it anywhere. pappa and i will take it up on our next trip and build it in your room, so now you’ll have a proper bed for when you and isak visit. i didn’t want those flimsy beds from when you were a kid stopping you from staying in ålesund.”

even’s face relaxed as his mother explained and the bed made more sense. he leaned the box against the nearest counter edge and moved around it to give sigrid a hug. “thank you,” he said again, with actual gratitude. “that’s such a lovely gesture for the both of us.” he pressed a heavy kiss on sigrid’s cheek and isak saw her squeeze her eyes closed. she was going to cry. she let out a tiny gasp when even pulled back. he went to jan to give him a hug as well, and sigrid turned away from them to hide her tears. but isak stepped in and opened his arms for a hug as well, and she fell into his chest and let loose against his sweater.

“thank you, sigrid. that means so much to us.” he rubbed her back to calm her down. “let us know when you’d like a family vacation and we’ll try to clear our schedules for it, okay?” her blonde hair scratched at his chin as she nodded. isak knew it was a big promise, committing to a vacation with his boyfriend’s parents, but that seemed to be the least they could do since they bought them a bed. aside from the literal comfort they were providing, it felt like a grander statement since the gift would serve both of them. isak felt like it was his birthday too.

when even and his father separated, jan peeled off the bow and stuck it to even’s chest. they shared a low chuckle, and then jan slid the box back to the bedroom where it had been hiding. “you know, if we have a van, it will be a lot easier to transport this up there!” he sang as he left. isak let go of sigrid and spun into even’s arms. she plucked a napkin off the table to wipe at her tears while isak was crushed into a hug with the bow.

“we’ll keep the little mattresses, of course. you never know when elias and mutta and mikael want to come for a visit too. but yes, this will be a nicer frame for you both.”

“it’s such a thoughtful gift, mamma. thank you so much.”

“you know…i thought of it as soon as you came back from your first trip, when you brought back the clean sheets and blanket. it might’ve been presumptuous but if…if isak was having a nice time then i thought he might want to come back, and then i wanted it to be ready, and you two could have your own space.”

isak laughed as he pulled out of even’s hug. he kept to his side though, and wrapped an arm around even’s waist. “you were very right to presume. though i suspect i would’ve had a wonderful time even if i had to sleep on the floor.”

sigrid looked horrified when he suggested such a crime, but that just made even laugh. jan reappeared. “oh i forgot to bring these out.” he was carrying a colorful quilt and coordinating linens, also with a blue bow on top. even let go of isak to accept them, and both boys admired the pattern.

“pappa helped me pick those out. they were on sale after christmas. oh, and if you bring them back to the city to wash, you could just use them on your regular bed too. everything fits.” sigrid returned to her pleased homemaker attitude, with any remaining tears in her eyes only there out of pride. she’d surprised her son with a useful and enjoyable gift, that doubled as a reason for him to visit her at the cabin. it was a very successful birthday dinner.

―――

they enjoyed a little bit of champagne in the living room before they left, relaxing on the couches and catching up on the skiing gossip from sigrid and jan’s most recent trip. isak disclosed that he hasn’t skied since he was very young, which sent even giggling, picturing his boyfriend flying down the slopes. “this might be even better than my skateboarding fantasy.” luckily neither sigrid nor jan inquired further into what that fantasy actually was.

when isak noticed the time was getting close to seven he made the gentle suggestion to head home. sigrid and jan were happy to let them go, having enjoyed the whole bottle together and noting their earlier bedtime now that they were getting older. but she also demanded photos once they were standing, so isak took a few pictures of even with his parents and then jan took a few of isak and even alone. they had to brainstorm a way to take a picture of all four of them together, but then sigrid cleared a small space on the fireplace mantle to rest a phone. Even set the timer, they lined up with the boys in the middle, and they wrapped their arms around each other. they smiled.

after another round of hugs and kisses they bundled up and went home. isak carried the new linens in an oversized shopping tote over his shoulder. “that went well, yes?” isak looked over to see even nodding into his scarf. he pressed the button for their stop.

“it was really lovely. i had to, like, constantly remind my brain to not interpret what she was saying negatively, but that’s…what i’m supposed to be doing.” they stepped off the bus carefully, navigating the packed snow on the sidewalk. “maybe after a few more visits it will be less of a conscious effort. but even as it was, i enjoyed myself. i liked seeing you with my parents.”

“speaking of me with your parents, i kind of promised sigrid we would go on a family vacation with her to ålesund.”

isak could barely hear the chuckle underneath the scarf but it was there. “i think that was a given. that was the whole point of the bed. it was quite clever on mamma’s part.”

“mm,” isak agreed. “so we’ll have to start looking at our schedules. and now we have the weekend farmer’s market to take into account.”

even’s laugh was louder and drew his mouth up above the warm wool. “he really has leaned into his gardening in the last year, jesus. if you had asked me five years ago what hobby i thought my dad would pick up next, i never would’ve thought ‘fruits and vegetables.’”

“forget hobbies; he’s halfway to his own business.”

they approached their building. isak had his own key now, and he unlocked the first door for them.

“what are you thinking about?”

isak was thinking about the surprise that was waiting for them upstairs, feeling nervous that he didn’t have any texts with updates, even though he didn’t ask for any. but he quickly thought up a work excuse that would explain his distance. “um, how maybe someone from jakob’s team might be interested in profiling jan. has there been a surge of home gardens lately? what’s the process for joining a farmer’s market? how profitable is it to bring produce into the city from a farm versus urban, hyperlocal crops? what resources are there for farmers when it comes to direct-to-consumer sales?” he felt ridiculous spitting out these ideas because they were rushing out without a filter yet they sounded somewhat legitimate. he really should be putting these questions in a voice memo, but even was climbing the stairs in front of him and that was…well that took priority.

the bag of linens landed with a light thump on top of isak’s pile of shoes. they removed their outerwear slowly as they climbed, hanging everything back up. isak listened for noises but didn’t hear anything over the shuffle of their own clothes. there wasn’t any light coming through under the door. and even—even was still undressing. isak reached up and tugged at his belt. “what are you doing?” he hissed. even threw his sweater and undershirt over his shoulder, and they skimmed isak’s head as they fluttered down the steps.

“getting naked. wanna help?” even was still climbing and his hands were at his belt buckle.

“even, no!” isak was torn between holding his boyfriend back and trying to reach for his shirt, while also not pulling them both down the stairs.

“what…what’s going on? you love when i get naked.”

isak blushed, praying whoever was on the other side of the door was far enough away to not hear them. maybe they were hanging out in the living room. even undid his belt but he did stop climbing to look at isak.

“do you want me to blow you down there?” he pointed down to the graffiti door and isak was going to melt from the flames burning his neck.

“shut up, no, just….” he stumbled down the steps to fetch the sweater and chucked it back up at even. “put this back on. we can’t be naked.”

“why not?” even was seriously confused but he did as isak asked. “we always get naked.”

isak pinched the bridge of his nose. “not tonight, okay babe?”

even dropped his sweater and his jaw. “is this…is this the first time you’re saying ‘no’ to a fuck?”

“even! i’m not—that’s not what this is. just please put your clothes back on until…until later or something.”

even reached into the pocket of his sagging pants and pulled out his phone. “i need to document this. for the record.” he snapped a photo of isak staring up at him with an annoyed look on his face. “this was the first time isak denied me.” even snorted. “it looks like you’re about to give me a very angry blowjob though.” he showed isak the photo.

if he weren’t so frustrated by the situation, isak would’ve laughed. that’s exactly what the photo looked like with that angle. unfortunately isak’s face just made even want to persuade him even more, so even tucked his phone under his chin and promptly shoved his pants down to his ankles. he was wearing bright red boxer briefs and he shook his ass in isak’s face. then, before isak could get a grip on his body, sexual or otherwise, even waddled up the few remaining steps and reached for the door. isak screamed, “NO!” at the same time as their kitchen, full of friends and coworkers, screamed “SURPRISE!” at a nearly naked even.

maja screamed, marius howled, and mikael took approximately 50 photos, the flash of his phone camera lighting up the kitchen like a red carpet. isak was so embarrassed he sank down behind even’s legs. even laughed and made no move to get dressed.

“pull up your motherfucking pants even! i came here for your birthday, not a peep show.” kari anne's booming voice had a hint of a laugh in it.

it did not occur to isak until just then that all of their friends were not just seeing even in his underwear—they were seeing even’s boner in his underwear. so despite isak’s desire to melt into a puddle right there on the steps, he now felt enough possessiveness to lunge forward and pull up even’s pants from behind. it was a challenge to dress someone blind, especially when that someone was a giggly, wriggly mess. isak got a flash of the kind of future where he was getting a toddler dressed, but he had no time for that future right then. he got even’s jeans up to his butt and then he had to forcibly turn his boyfriend around in order to navigate his bulge.

“looks like dinner with the parents went well, then!” elias shouted out, making everyone laugh again and isak’s cheeks turn an impossible red.

“oh, babe.” even finally noticed isak’s general struggle. he took over with his pants and hefted them up to his waist. “i’m sorry. i should have listened to you. but this was amazing and hilarious. are you okay?” he buttoned his jeans and cupped isak’s jaw.

isak was still too flustered to say anything. his eyes darted from even’s face to the gleeful faces behind him, checking to see who was still laughing. “come on, bedroom.” even started walking isak backward toward the privacy of their bedroom. “five minutes!” he announced to everyone else.

“i thought you only needed two!” someone else shouted back.

―――

the laughter and voices faded as soon as the door closed. isak spun around and flopped himself on the bed face first. “surprise,” he mumbled. even collapsed on top of him, blanketing him with rough denim and warm skin.

“this was the best surprise ever. i’m sorry i embarrassed you with my penis.” even added a little thrust as if that would convey sincerity. the heat that flushed isak’s cheeks now was a slightly different kind. even nuzzled his face against isak’s cheek and gave him a few kisses. “i’ll get dressed and we can hang out with my favorite people.”

even pushed up and went to the closet. he swapped out his jeans for grey sweatpants and put on a white t-shirt. isak kept his jeans but opted for a clean white t-shirt too. even swept isak into a hug before they went through the door. “i love you in general and i love you for this. thank you for such a nice gift, and the perfect way to relax after the family dinner.” he squeezed across isak’s back and then shifted his head in for a kiss. isak demanded tongue as part of even’s apology and he got it, a nice open, wet kiss that tasted like champagne. even grunted when they parted. “um, yes. friends first, but then we’re definitely revisiting the naked thing.”

isak agreed with an aggressive grip on even’s ass. even kissed his way out of it and wiggled toward the door.

the kitchen roared with another greeting when they appeared, birthday wishes thrown from every direction. even opened his arms and accepted all of them with a wide smile. “thank you all for coming. this is such a fun surprise, and i clearly had no idea.”

“it was a fun surprise for us as well,” kari anne smirked.

“since we’re all here and there is a grotesque amount of alcohol behind mutta, have we agreed to absolutely ruin our sunday night?” another cheer went up. isak moved around even to get to the counter by mutta.

as requested, everyone bought the alcohol isak had assigned them and paid for. he couldn’t bring much into the apartment on his own without raising suspicion, so he spread out the drinks, food, and decorations among their friends. maja and marius picked up a cake from a bakery on their side of town. mutta and kari anne brought most of the alcohol. sana and yousef brought food from mamma bakkoush, enough to last them at least a week. elias and mikael were on decorations & entertainment duty. their friends had started drinking, as was to be expected when you’re trapped in an apartment for a couple of hours. since everyone had helped themselves to the juice and ice in the fridge, isak didn’t bother with setting anything else up. he searched for sana in the small crowd, who was chatting with mikael by the entrance to the hallway. when he caught her eye he nodded a question and she held up a full glass in response. with her taken care of he mixed up a dark & stormy for even.

“here you go, babe.” he only interrupted even’s conversation with marius and maja to put the cup in his hand. then he went back to the counter to assess the food. yousef joined him to point out the options.

“all of even’s favorites. mamma didn’t leave the kitchen all morning. this…this tray is okay. these two should be reheated a bit.”

“okay, thanks.” isak reached over to start the oven.

“and this we actually eat cold sometimes, so it would be fine as is.”

they figured out the food and then isak moved on to the living room. everyone was still in the kitchen, so isak got to see the decoration efforts as intended. streamers looped colorfully from even’s shelves, carefully taped as to not disturb his toys. balloons hovered at the ceiling, their strings becoming vines that dusted isak’s shoulders. on the coffee table was a pile of markers and a large brown envelope. he went right to the envelope to see what was inside. “yesssss.” isak dumped out the contents and spread them out. he had found ten particularly embarrassing photos, a mix of recent shots from isak and childhood ones from sigrid, that he’d ordered temporary tattoos of. he had a good feeling that this group was going to get very creative with the placement. in the very least he knew exactly where he wanted a tattoo of even on his own body. he practically skipped back out to the kitchen to get water and a sponge.

everyone had started eating, so isak joined the queue for a little bit of the bakkoush cuisine. no matter how full they were, isak and even would always make room for mamma’s food. isak refreshed even’s drink and then led some people into the living room to eat, for more seating. even stayed in the kitchen at the table with sana, yousef, and kari anne.

maja screamed again when she saw the tattoos. she and marius abandoned their food immediately and took the sponge to the bathroom. three minutes later marius returned with at least four evens plastered across his face. then he dared mikael to do even more. after that, it was chaos.

elias tried to tie a balloon to the back of sana’s hijab. kari anne was the first one to get a tattoo of even on her ass cheek. mutta and mikael started doing shots, and marius and maja were caught making out in the stairwell when it was time to break open the markers on the door. their defense was that maja could stand on one step above marius and they would be a closer height for kissing.

“like my apartment is the only place with steps, get the fuck out.” isak shoved marius against the door. but that’s exactly where everyone stayed. they all shared the markers and wrote silly birthday messages to even on the door, reading old ones and laughing, and recording new jokes that they now all shared. the graffiti door was due for an update and everyone got a chance to leave their mark. isak made sure no one wrote over his original “shithead,” and he added a couple more questionable names wherever they fit.

unfortunately marius convinced maja to paint her lips with marker ink and kiss the door, but then she was stuck with deep purple lips. sana immediately dragged her up to the bathroom to start exfoliating. isak had to console maja from the doorway. “i’ll get emma to give me some lipsticks that would cover it up if it doesn’t come off.”

“matte,” sana instructed.

isak opened his recording app and noted that: “matte lipsticks from emma for maja.”

“anything from a maroon to a magenta should cover it up.” isak added that. “in the meantime, here, you can use this.” sana pulled a tube of lipstick out of her small crossbody bag and opened a drawer. she plucked an alcohol wipe from where even kept them next to the tweezers and cleaned off the tube and used lipstick. she handed it to maja and maja looked like she was about to cry from the gesture. sana nipped it in the bud with a glare and a single finger held up in maja’s face. “just be glad your friends are so clean.”

isak blushed, assuming sana knew that they had those wipes to clean their toys. but then marius burst into the bathroom, shoving isak aside. “baby, it looks like we just kissed too hard for a little bit. ‘cheer up! a hickey from kenickie is like a hallmark card,’” he quoted in his best american accent. this actually made maja cry so isak excused himself and went to get more alcohol.

eventually yousef was tasked with getting mutta and mikael home. marius gave maja a piggy back ride down four flights of stairs and across the city. they found kari anne had removed her pants and crawled into their bed, so they left her there. sana, even, and elias collapsed onto the couch and giggled their way through a nonsense conversation the way siblings do. isak put the food away, got water for them all, and then joined them on the floor with his giant pillows. even found grease on the tv and they watched and sang along with the few bits they knew. then isak fell asleep, his fingers wrapped lightly around even’s ankle and his head resting against even’s knee.