#but i live on the principle of ‘do whatever you want forever’ and i also love expressive tails so

[scramblescribbles]

tsp doodles :] top two are of a noir au me n Surf were thinkin about, and then theatre au, and the last three are assorted stannarrator. i still don’t know how to draw kissing

[melminli]

Vanilla Pudding II

pairing: young coriolanus snow x fem. reader

summery - of course, coriolanus had his principles. but before he had them, he had you. he didn't want to lose that no matter what. you were his only exception in this game, and you would remain to be that.

word count: 1.3k

contains: district reader living in the capitol, fluff, slightly dark themes, coryo being a simp, flashbacks, fluff, possessiv behavior

a/n: well, i didn't really expect this to turn kinda darkish since the first chapter was so wholesome... but here we are. part 2 to blueberry tartlet!

part I

Not everything was easier back then, but most things were. As a child, he didn't have to worry about his family's reputation. He hardly cared about his own since he was more concerned about what he had for dessert after dinner. Coriolanus was fine with just about anything most of the time, except for this pastrie with jam his grandmother used to make. He hated the taste of that. Well, he ate it anyway, but he would have been happier if it had been bread pudding instead. Coriolanus loved that shit.

He remembered once when he was a little kid and played alone on one of the swings at the playground outside. He thought of kindergarten as okay because he didn't like most of the kids there, and that still hadn't changed today. Most of them grew up to be idiots just as expected.

"Ya wanna have some puddin'?" You asked him, and this was the first real encounter he had with you. Back then, you still had your district accent, which Coriolanus had found very strange, but for whatever reason, you were still quite popular among the others. They liked you a lot.

He thought you were weird. "Is it bread pudding?"

You didn't seem to know for sure yourself as you looked into the container and thought for a few seconds. "No, just normal vanilla puddin'...sorry." you said in a whisper. "Ya can still have it if ya want? The other like chocolate puddin' more..."

Coriolanus watched your figure for a few seconds, and you didn't really dare to meet his starting gaze at first, so you looked to the side, slightly embarrassed. "I don't want it, but I'll take it." He finally said and held out his hand. It was better than nothing.

His answer brought a smile to your face. "My ma made it, I'm sure ya gonna like it!" You replied and happily placed it in his hand.

He didn't have a spoon. How am I supposed to eat this? He looked at his hands and considered it for a few seconds before shaking his head. No, I can't do that. "Why don't you eat it?" He asked you, suddenly noticing out of the corner of his eye how your braided hair was held in place by a bow. He thought it looked kind of cute on you. It suited you.

"I also like chocolate more." You admitted a little shyly and then realized yourself that he didn't have the necessary cutlery to eat the dessert. "Oh, I don't have a spoon with me. We can ask someone in the cafeteria, I'm sure they'll help us out!" Your voice exclaimed as you grabbed his hand and pulled him along without a care in the world.

He wished he could still see you with the same eyes he did back then. When it didn't matter who was called what, what clothes you wore, or just the fact that you could say what you thought without worrying about how it might sound.

But you weren't kids anymore. He was no longer clueless and all that stuff was important now. The only thing that hadn't changed from back then was that you were still a District girl, and that was one thing you would remain forever, no matter how long you lived in the Capitol.

"Are you okay, Coriolanus?" Rang your sweet voice suddenly in his ears, leaving him stirring only to be greeted with your figure in front of his table. Your eyes looked down at him with concern, and he only now realized that class was over. Most of the students had even left the classroom already. It seemed like he had been caught up in his thoughts for quite a while. "...yes, everything is fine. Don't worry about it, it's nothing." He said and packed up his bag.

You weren't entirely convinced but decided to let it go. Maybe he just hadn't slept well. He seemed to walk around with dark circles under his eyes a lot. "Oh, okay." You just said. You've been making a bit more of an effort to get in touch with your childhood friend lately. You didn't really know why, but somehow, along the way, you just seemed to stop being friends. It was only the other day at the graduation party of your elders that you realized how much you had actually missed him.

"So, I heard you're taking part in this year's Hunger Games." You broached the subject and saw him raise an eyebrow. You suddenly noticed how that may have sounded. "As a mentor, of course! Yeah, sorry if the way I just put it sounded a bit weird..." You apologized to him and mentally smacked yourself on the head.

He shook his hand. It was cute how nervous you suddenly acted around him. He liked that, liked that it was him who made you feel that way. "It's okay. Like I said, don't worry about it." He replied and walked down the stairs with you after he was finished with his bag. "I'm afraid I couldn't find your name on the list. It's a real shame that you have to miss out on such a great opportunity."

You disagreed. "Well, I'm actually a bit relieved about that, if I'm being honest." You admitted, looking a little worried at the thought that you could have been in his place. "Yeah, I'm not really a big fan of the games. I hate to admit it, but I'm kind of sensitive to this type of stuff. Like, just seeing blood freaks me out, so I can't really..."

Coriolanus watched you struggle a bit trying to skate around the actual goal of the games. You didn't even seem to be able to say the word kill or dead. He'd bet you'd be the first to fall if you were a tribute. His eyebrows furrowed slightly at the thought. It's better that she isn't. She's not like those other animals. "Don't be absurd. It's completely valid that you feel that way, trust me." He assured you, bringing a slight smile back to your lips.

He stopped you briefly so he could hold your hand comfortingly. "We don't even have to talk about the games if you don't want to. How about this, I know this good ice cream place near the academy." He suggested charmingly. "Do you still like chocolate? I've heard that's their specialty."

You couldn't stop the broad smile that spread across your face at his words. "I still do, actually. let's go! My treat!" You said and pulled him along by his hand without a care in the world, and like then, he just let you do it.

"No way, I'll pay and there's nothing you can do about it."

You shook your head stubbornly. "I don't want you to do that, and you can't stop me."

He had decided then and there that he wasn't going to let himself get in the way of the only good thing that had ever happened to him in his usually so miserable life. And what if you were a District girl? Even if he could never change that, it would make no difference in the future.

After all, no one would dare question the decisions of the President of Panem - especially when it came to choosing his first lady. Coriolanus was sure that something could easily be arranged with those who still couldn't hold their tongues.

Before you could take another step, Coriolanus suddenly stopped behind you and almost let you fall to the ground had he not caught you. "And that's where you're wrong." He said, smiling as sweetly as a poisoned apple. "Because I can."

[commsroom]

What is it you love so much about Eiffel? Asking as a fellow Eiffel Lover, I'm just interested in your response!

i've been holding onto this one for a while, in part because i know there's no complete answer to this and i could probably just talk forever, but it's almost his birthday, so... in the spirit of dougmas:

what i love about eiffel as a character is that he feels like a real person. he's full of these very human contradictions: he's a coward, he can be exceptionally brave, he's considerate and thoughtful, he's got his head up his ass, he's a mediator by nature, he's frustratingly stubborn and will dig his heels in about the pettiest things, he's very technically capable, he's a master of weaponized incompetence. he's stupid in ways only a very smart person can be, and has a certain kind of self-hating self-centeredness. he has very firmly held morals and wants to do right by people, and he struggles to reconcile those beliefs with the unforgivable things he's nonetheless done; he has very real and serious flaws that the narrative doesn't flinch away from, but neither exonerates nor condemns him for. he's so entangled with the heart of the show, its themes and relationships, that you couldn't have wolf 359 without doug eiffel, and - as a friend of mine once said - if you put eiffel in any other show, he'd turn it into something resembling wolf 359 as well. and as gabriel urbina said about pan-pan: "he's the communications officer; without him, they stop communicating." he's a compassionate portrayal of an addict, and a very real and nuanced example of a kind-hearted man who's still used to thinking of himself as the "default" kind of person, and is still learning how to deconstruct the biases that come with that.

what i love about eiffel as a person is that he's someone i'd want in my life. he's a very sincere and emotionally honest person; he doesn't have hidden agendas, and you know exactly where you stand with him. he hates authority, he hates work, and he won't suck up or pretend otherwise - in fact, he'll create more work for himself if it means he can avoid doing his job, on principle. if he has a grievance about something, oh, you'll know. at the same time, he has this infectious enthusiasm about the things he loves, and the things that excite him, and he's a geeky guy into primarily 80s/90s nostalgic media who doesn't feel the need to gatekeep. i love his voice, i love how expressive he is, i love how you can hear the same mannerisms you can see in the live show just in the very open-body-language way he emotes. he has a very distinct former class clown type of energy, and i think that goes hand in hand with an underlying loneliness. he can be pretty clueless, he speaks before he thinks and has chronic foot-in-mouth disease, but… doug eiffel is the kind of person who would notice if someone was standing alone in the corner at a party, and would go out of his way to make them feel included. he's good at getting people to open up, even if it's in spite of themselves, even if it's while they're rolling their eyes at him. he's a staunch pacifist who - even when things piss him off - doesn't react to conflict with violence or threats of violence, and he can't stand to have things stay bottled up: if there's one thing eiffel wants everyone to do, it's talk about it. whatever it is. he has a good balance of traits that make him feel genuine and warm without coming across preachy or suspiciously softened; he's also very much still a gross dirtbag with a lot of annoying flaws typical of some average guy, and that's a huge part of his appeal to me. he's good with his hands. he likes building stuff and taking things apart. he's rough around the edges in ways that reflect his life experience, and he's just… a guy who has lived a life, who has a lot of life experience, but hasn't made a lot of true friends in the process. he's gotten used to being lonely, and gotten used to telling himself he's fine with it, and something in me really aches for that.

his birthday is a good - and timely - example: he's a man in his 30s still holding onto childhood hurt, having his birthday forgotten and overshadowed by christmas. i'm also a christmas hater, so it's nice to have something else to celebrate and prioritize, and i like imagining his disgust at all of the unavoidable holiday trappings; it makes me feel less alone. i wouldn't say i relate to eiffel, more that i feel we have compatible issues, and it's not a secret that he's the type of guy i find attractive. he feels like a real person that i already know and love, and at the same time he's representative of the kind of person i'd like to know, like his life would fit comfortably into mine.

[nights-at-crystarium]

on authenticity

My mood in the recent months keeps going from bad to worse. Today I randomly fell into the rabbit hole of checking out other patreon artists, which always grounds me in reality and cheers me up, perhaps in a weird way. Essay incoming \o/

Authenticity is a blob of a word that sounds almost pretentious nowadays. It gets sneered at. You either sell your soul, or you don't earn with your art.

What's authentic, being true to yourself, will vary from person to person. It's like a sliding scale of suffering that you will tolerate in exchange for a coin, while convincing yourself that you have fun.

The harsh truth of modern world is that if your art pays for your living, you've already reached success, no matter how you may feel about the type of content you actually make for that money. Insert the meme furry nsfw art here. Or not furry. Or even sfw, but comms, lots of comms every month. Or merch. Anything that sells. Products first, art second.

Marrying passion and profession is virtually impossible, yet I'm doing it, only thanks to your support. I'm acutely aware that, even as I choose to be "real" and talk about an artist's money-making in a raw way, it's still patreon talk, and yes, I'll plug the link as well, so technically this entire post is an ad *fingerguns*

I just feel so privileged being able to create whatever the fuck I want, literally, I take no comms/requests/guidance on what and how should I draw/write, I post experimental, sometimes provocative stuff, and still make enough to survive. This sole fact should get me through the day, whatever other struggles I may be facing currently (I am. I don't wanna talk about it rn, instead I distract myself with this text), I should always remember the unique place in life I managed to carve for myself.

There are madmen (gender-neutral) who toss $10-20 at me every month. The majority "only" pledges $1, the notorious tier that gets treated as a tip jar with no rewards by many other creators. All of my rewards are the same at $1 and $20 (save for the one-time digital artbook download at $10, just to be perfectly clear), it's a conscious choice and a risk I continue taking because it's how I am. I used to split rewards between tiers in the past, before xiv, and it was a lot of busy work while it made me treat my art less as art and more as product. This pic goes into the cheap box, this pic goes into the expensive box. Every month. It's. Definitely not for every artist.

Logistic hell of splitting and delivering rewards, different posts with less comments per post, also my discord roles/channels would have to be split, nowadays it's just patron, whether you give me $1 or $20, there's no visual disparity, you're hanging out in the same cool kids' club, and collectively making happy noises on Fragments Fridays.

Could I be making more money if I got rid of the $1 tier? Yeah. But, mercifully, after 2 years I don't need to. I legit make enough currently, my only worry is to keep what I have. Patrons don't stay forever, 2-5 people would leave every month, about the same number would join (hence my patreon ads, I need to keep people reminded of it, even if it makes me feel guilty every damn time). I did Research (tm) in the past to find out that my "bleeding" numbers are below average, i.e. it's good, people generally tend to stick around.

I put a lot of emphasis on the $1 because I'm kinda proud of what I managed to accomplish while staying self-detrimentally humble. Literally doing an impossible thing in a world that keeps burning down. So yeah if you've been feeling bad for only giving me $1, what matters is that there's enough $1s to make a difference. Together you're creating a phenomenon, and you should be proud.

There are many stupid little principles, hills that I'll die on, that make up my authenticity. I chose to speak of it here and now in order to sorta sell myself, so it feels hypocritical x'D But if I don't shine a spotlight on this, who will. I'm old and jaded and increasingly terrified of how insincere the internet's becoming. Everything's fake, sugarcoated, polished for sale. My art's always been a scream of defiance against all that, now that I'm more or less established, I wanna scream louder. Thanks for hearing my screams. You can scream with me too if you want.

[sicksadgames]

Into the Blind, and Wot I Like about Space Stuff

I've been working on this for a while in between breaks updating As the Sun Forever Sets. Why is my idea of a break from writing games just writing a different game? I have dumb bitch disease. I wanted to talk about some of the inspirations for it.

Welcome to The Rim

Into the Blind is a sci fi game about a group of gig economy workers living contract to contract on the roiling, wild edge of space. It's about CRT screens, mechanical keyboards, junction boxes, pipes and wires. It's about the unknown, the stresses of capital, and horror - visceral and ephemeral. It's about working hard jobs in dangerous conditions for little pay, and the chance of a better life. 

You are a Freelancer - Salvager, Shipbreaker, Courier, Bodyguard, Assassin, First Responder, Negotiator, Investigator, Debt Collector. A Freelancer is any and all of these, depending on the contract. You'll take whatever you can get to make ends meet. 

Every job you do balances your need to pay the rent on your ship against your desire to remain alive. Grab what you can, get paid, and stay alive.

If this sounds cool to you, you can grab a free preview (with the old name) below.

Let me show you my favourite space things

Ok, time for the self indulgent ramblings.

(Potential) Spoilers for: Gravity, Interstellar, Contact, Arrival, The Expanse, the Alien series, the Thing, Annihilation, Homeworld: Cataclysm and Magnetic Rose.

Physics and Feelings at 10km/s

There are a lot of sci-fi horror TTRPGS out there. Like a lot a lot. Mothership, Death in Space, the Alien RPG, You're in Space and Everything's Fucked, the list goes on and on. Not that that matters - people should make the games they wanna make and I wanted to make a scary sci-fi game with spaceships, so eh fuck it.

Something I realised while writing stuff for Into the Blind and working on the system is that the themes and feeling of a lot of the sci-fi stuff I'm into didn't revolve around a towering monster skulking around dark spaceship. Like, sure, Into the Blind will have a nasty alien somewhere, I don't need to say that I like Alien or talk about why it's good (I do, it is, and I'm going to), but there's more to write about than monsters. Space is already intrinsically stressful and horrifying:

Neil Degrasse Tyson and Chris Hadfield can shut the fuck up, Gravity has some of the scariest, tensest scenes in a movie I've ever seen in my fucking life. After watching this you could never pay me enough to go to space. The only enemy here is inertia, the only monster are the principles of physics that cause a cloud of debris to whip through orbit at 22,000 miles an hour.

Aside from the spectacle, Gravity is a film about finding the will to go on when you have nothing to live for and everything's against you. It's heavily implied that Dr Stone went to space because she's tired of existing on earth (or at least that's my read). She wants mercy and relief from the pain of her life, and watching it you want to gift it to her so badly, but the debris field crashes into her life over and over. It's a relentless, uncaring solar tide that returns like clockwork when to fuck her up any time she gets a break.

These extreme forces also generate incredible tragedy and loss. Interstellar is kind of a dumb movie but despite the memes about this scene it always gets me. You don't know what you have until it's gone, and sometimes the distance between you knowing you've lost something and it becoming lost can (thanks to black holes and weird gravity stuff) slip by you in an age that feels like an instant.

Both Gravity and Interstellar have soft, beating hearts encased behind the layers of radiation shielding, technobabble and worn metal, and when the colossal forces that make the universe turn rip it open, they're laid bare.

That's a fucking cool thing to make a game about!

Indistinguishable from Magic

I'm not a big brain science person, when it comes to wormholes, relativity, folding space time and all that, I don't really get it. I just know that it's cool as hell and opens the door to powerful character stories about finding meaning and confronting your feelings at the edge of our understanding of reality.

Contact and Arrival are two sides of the same movie to me. Both are heavily grounded in big Theory and big Science Words, both are about powerful sciencey girlbosses who've lost something dear to them (one in the future, one in the past.) Contact leans more towards the hard science approach, but both are at their best when they're balanced on the edge of the plausible and the implausible. They're both about the incredible, incomprehensible nature of the universe. They're both about people who change the world, in ways both vast impercievable to everyone else.

They're both stories of hope and benevolence, but Contact frames this through 90's optimism and the power of nations working together towards a common goal (it's so optimistic, even the villain-coded megacorporation decides to help out, which uhhhh), Arrival frames these themes through personal tragedy - Dr Banks pays a high price to save humanity from itself.

Behind the calculations and clipboards and theories, these are stories about personal discovery, love and heartache.

These are also fucking cool things to make games about!

Magnetic Rose is probably the single biggest influence on Into the Blind - there's a full adventure heavily inspired by it in the preview. It's just so good. The visual design and animation are simultaneously grounded and real yet brilliantly beautiful and surreal. It's tragic gothic horror at the dark, gritty edge of space, and it's so good at being sad. The penultimate scenes in heart of the tomb-like space station, surrounded by rank brown water and decaying metal are heartwrenching. Heintz is tormented by visions of his past and you feel it so hard. The film doesn't care to tell you how this is all happening - are his memories ghosts? holograms? hallucinations? It only cares about the why, and it's incredible.

Breathable Air Prepayment Meters

It's been ages since I watched The Expanse, so I'm not gonna dwell on it too much, but what I remember focused heavily on how capital and government care little about those they govern and sell to.

The level that our existence is monetised and used as a cudgel against us currently can surely only expand along with our expansion into the stars. You can go there right now if you have enough money to do so, and when life beyond earth becomes feasible, the companies that financed it will need someone to clean the ducts and polish the solar arrays. The amount of things that can be sold to you can only increase out in space. You think rents are high now? Wait till you see the price of a 1 bedroom apartment in orbit around Mars. Add nice breathable mix of nitrogen and oxygen to your list of monthly outgoings. You think you'll be able to repair your C02 scrubbers without voiding the warranty? Fuck no.

The Alien movies are obviously (despite what some grognards on twitter dot com will tell you) deeply about extreme capitalism. The galaxy is ruled by companies that could not care less about you, and the bottom line is all that matters. This kinda matters less and less as the films wear on, but the first 3 are all about working class people sacrificed on the altar of the interstellar dollar.

Alien 3 in particular has a lot of problems, but the edgy teen in me is still really fond of this scene. It's doing a Big Foreshadow (Do you get it? The alien is like.. the flower he's talking about right? But the flower is bad?) But it feels like an appropriate lament for prisoners on the ass end of space. Despite what the company wants you to believe, the inmates of Fury 161 don't deserve to die, aren't expendable.

We all have flowers within us waiting to grow, out from the shadow of capital.

You might've noticed mentions of a nasty guy in those last clips.

Ok fine, also Monsters

We all love a little nasty guy, I cannot resist the pull of the weird monster that does Big Themes. Like I said, there's so much TTRPG stuff focused on them for good reason And space is ripe for the nastiest of guys.

There's really nothing more to be said about The Thing, it just fucking rules. It's a movie that cares as much about what a monster can do to peoples bodies as what it can do to their minds and relationships.

What a horrible fate for Sheppard. The idea of Annihilations mutant bear is just so sinister it makes my gut drop whenever I re-watch it. Again, not much else to be said about this movie. It rips.

Homeworld: Cataclysm is a weird game. It's a survival horror.. strategy game? Set in space? Where you never see a single person?? And somehow it's voice acting and plot is incredible???

The Beast is the nickname for the microorganism that emerges from the millenia old wreckage the mining vessel Kuun-Lan happens upon whilst scouring deep space for valuable minerals. The threat it presents is so real and visceral, it's one of those "if this hits our planet, it's so over" monsters, and it's obscenely scary and gruesome. Even the Bentusi, a race of nigh-on ageless benevolent machine beings are absolutely terrified, and try to abandon the galaxy in the face of it (they fear their biological minds will be trapped in their machine bodies if they're taken over by The Beast, locked in and forced to watch what it does to the galaxy. Damn.)

The scene where you and your fleet fight the Bentusi as they try to evacuate known space to force them to help you is intense and incredible. You're fighting gods, and all you can do is crash against their incredible technology again and again like a stiff breeze, pleading for help and humanity. You shame them into taking responsibility for helping the mortals in the galaxy against this ancient threat. That's the fear inspired by The Beast.

Thank you for coming to my Space Ted Talk

I told you it was self indulgent huh. Hopefully this goes some way to explaining what I'm going for with this game. Not only monsters, but the experiences of people trapped by incredible forces of nature, corporations and circumstance. Not only horror, but exploitation, sadness, love, longing and loss. Thanks for reading.

Again, if you want to check out Into the Blind, you can get the free preview below, and follow me on Itch to get notified for when game releases (soon? idk)

[rebelscum218]

Jason and Piper: how they brought the best out of each other

Despite heightened feelings that eventually didn't last, there was no denying that Jason and Piper cared for each other and valued each other's thoughts, because throughout Heroes of Olympus, these two followed through with each other's advice, ultimately leading them to where they are eventually in Trials of Apollo.

From The Lost Hero to Mark of Athena, Piper is insecure about her own abilities, as well as being self-conscious about herself and constantly comparing herself to others, especially Reyna. At one point she tells Jason 'She's beautiful. She's powerful. She's so...Roman.' In which Jason replies 'You're beautiful and powerful, and I don't want you to be Roman. I want you to be Piper.' So what does 'being Piper' mean for her? To figure out who she is as a person means that she needs to get rid of all the pressure from the gods and her family, as well as the expectations that come with being a child of Aphrodite. This unfortunately also includes her relationship with Jason, because it was an illusion created by Hera, and something encouraged by Aphrodite and her fellow cabin-mates while Piper herself was still conflicted and struggling to make sense of everything. In The Burning Maze, we see her continue in this direction: figuring out who she is outside of demigod responsibilities, who and how she wants to love, what she actually wants in a relationship and falling in love in her own terms etc. And it's ironic to know that it was Jason, whom she broke up with, that helped set her on this path.

As for Jason, he was insecure about making the wrong choices. He confided to Piper in Blood of Olympus: 'I don't want to end up like my mom, chewing on my regrets forever.' Also, he is not used to working among a team of equals after being treated as a leader for so long. And through it all, Piper was there to tell him: 'You, Jason Grace, are very familiar with your own bad spirits, and you try your best not to feed them. You have solid instincts, and you know how to follow them. Whatever annoying qualities you have, you are a genuinely good person who always tries to make the right choice'. She also tells him 'being a hero doesn't mean you're invincible, it just means that you're brave enough to stand up and do what's needed'. Looking back at what Jason did in The Burning Maze, it was exactly what Piper had said to him: standing up for what's right, making the choice to do things for others even at the expense of himself. He even passed on this lesson to Apollo, and through his actions became the example of selflessness that inspired others to keep moving forward. He lived and died by the principles that defines being a hero, something Piper encouraged him to do.

It has been said a lot that Riordan backtracked on a lot of stuff in Trials of Apollo like the breakup, Piper's sexuality, or Jason's sudden and devastating fate. In a sense it is true: there was no buildup or clear groundwork for these characters' new paths. But it's not entirely out of the blue either, because there is existing material to be built on and elaborated. And what's great about reading is that we readers decide how we interpret the text, since we react and connect with the story in different ways. So from my perspective, Jason and Piper is a story of two young people who despite complicated feelings, high stakes and overwhelming expectations, were there for each other and brought out the best among themselves, experiencing the highs and lows of life both together and separately, and eventually when the time comes, knew when to let go and treasure the things they've given each other. It may not be the most compelling relationship written by Riordan, but it certainly is realistic and well thought-out.

[mangatxt]

any advice on how to improve writing style/get ideas for fics and dialogue? i’m forever in love with the way you write. it flows well, and the dialogue is super authentic and funny. i’m trying to get back into writing after a couple years of being crushed by the american secondary education system, so any tips would be much appreciated.

keep it up with the good work! i look forward to continue reading :))

Holy moly, this is a super kind ask. I'm so happy to know that you enjoy my work. Thank you for sending this!

As for the meat of this ask -- I'll do my best! I'll offer some reflections and then link some resources I've personally found helpful! I apologize for the length of this answer. This ask gave me a lot to think about, and brevity is my weakness as a writer.

I answer this with a few caveats:

I'm not an expert. I'm just loud.

I teach writing for a living, but I don't teach creative writing specifically. I do, by nature of my job, have more time for reading and writing than I did as a full-time student or corporate employee. That alone makes a huge difference. Everyone goes at their own pace, and it's hard to be creative without time, especially when you're starting out or getting back into writing after a break.

I write humor, so I'll discuss that primarily. While writing has rules that generally yield better results, comedy works often because it violates those established rules. Like many writing teachers, I have fully internalized the touted "canon" of Strunk & White's Elements of Style and George Orwell's Remedy of Six Rules. But sometimes, adverbs are funny. So I'll write an adverb, say "fuck you George Orwell," and, scandalously, call it a day.

If you want to deconstruct and consequently ruin comedy forever, start with Theories of Humor and then, to extend your suffering, hit the footnotes.

Humor writing is culturally dependent. You won't make everyone laugh. You'll flop. You'll embarrass yourself. You have to be willing to risk being unfunny. So it goes.

You can always publish anonymously on AO3 if it helps you start. Or for any reason. You can change your mind and claim it back to your account. Or you can abandon it entirely. I've done it plenty. Sometimes, it's what you need to do to draw up the nerve to put yourself out there, and that's completely fine.

Reflections

My first personal rule is that I write stories for myself, fic or original. If someone else likes it, that's a bonus. I write what I want to read. That factors into my overall writing style too. I write how I'd want someone else to write it for me. Even if someone's written it before, which is often the case with fic writing and popular tropes, I might want to hear it in another way. See: The Two Cakes Principle.

My second personal rule is that I write something every day. Even if it's a little bit. Even if it's all trash. Anything's better than nothing. Write without editing. Write without your spell checker on, even. (As they say "write drunk, edit sober" -- I don't drink much, so for me that means "write at 3AM, edit at not 3AM"). The more you play around with words and practice your voice, the easier it will get. Part of this is honing the muscle or whatever, but part of this is also gaining familiarity with structure that will make writing forever easier. How do journalists crank out stories everyday? There's a structure to newspaper and magazine articles that makes it easier to plug in the words and go. You'll find your own in creative writing too. Plus, the more you write, the easier it is to let go of things (aka kill your darlings). (Killed darlings go in your bits folder.)

My third personal rule is that I write every idea down, no matter how vague or ridiculous, because I might be able to use it later. I never want to lose things. I use my phone notes for this. They're full of silly ideas -- funny things I overhead at the library, out-of-context conversations I imagine Reigen and Dimple having, Wikipedia articles that I liked, funny plot concepts, etc. The other day, I wrote down, "The gang carbon-dates Dimple." I dunno where I'm going with that, but I like the idea. I write a lot of my plot ideas in IASIP title card style. It's more fun that way. Always prioritize having fun.

One last personal rule is that the mechanical act of writing has a purpose. You're rarely writing for the purpose of writing well, right? Most of the time, in class or at work, I'm writing for the purpose of being understood by my audience, and therefore, I do whatever I must to make my message better understood, even at the expense of "good writing." Here's a silly example: I've learned the hard way that some of my co-workers can't fucking read. So instead of paragraphs, I write emails in bullet points with bold and underlined text. At the expense of prose, the message is more likely received, and that's the goal.

This example might be on the nose, but it applies in some way to everything I write. When I write fic, I have to have a purpose. Maybe I'm trying to make myself laugh. Maybe I'm trying to explore some theme or feeling. Maybe I'm trying to correct canon. Maybe I'm trying to speculate how the conman will handle a Situation. Whatever that end is, I find the writing comes easier when I focus on the end more than the process of writing. It helps me stay focused, when I remember that writing's just the tool. I hope that makes sense.

Developing a writing style or a narrative voice depends on the writer. I'm an amalgamation of what I've read and watched and enjoyed, combined with formal writing education and my own personal narration. I hate to be the person who says "read a lot to write more!" I hate it so so so much, but...it's true. (That said, it doesn't have to be the classics. I get inspiration from there, sure, but I also get inspiration from sitcoms and crossword clues and the inane HOA emails my landlord forwards to me. "Honored neighbors, we are ecstatic to announce fire alarm testing next week..." Like, I'm sorry? That's a work of art I've filed away for later.)

For fics, some of the way I write is homage to the original creator. I consider this a plus, not a requirement. ONE writes satire. He's foremost a humorist. Most of his works are genre deconstructions. Like most shonen mangaka, he writes shorter narrative arcs that sum to (or in his case, reflect across) the overall narrative arc of the work. He's also pretty cringe/over-the-top with wordplay and cultural references (pop and traditional). When I try to reflect elements of his style in my own work, I find his characters easier to work with. For me, it's hard to write something fully comedic or fully serious with MP100 characters. The alternation between comedy and tragedy in MP100 works because it plays on emotional investment in the characters and subversion of expectations.

That said, I'm going to have to add something controversial: as a fic writer, how much you adhere to the original work doesn't fucking matter. (See my first rule -- write what you want to read.) Fic writing is meant to be transformative. The amount that you should care about canon depends on what you're trying to accomplish. My advice is to play fast and loose as much as you want. Unfollow and block the "he wouldn't fucking say that" people if it helps you write. I do, because they're annoying. Characterization is a product of audience internalization. Further, every work is for someone. Most importantly, you're doing this for fun, not pay or obligation. Sure, maybe ONE wouldn't write Reigen saying a particular line, but ONE also writes homophobic stereotypes into his works. No matter what you do, by definition of writing a fan work, you're gonna stray from canon. It's not holy word. Don't waste your finite man hours stressed about it.

Moving on to discussion of "get ideas" -- I mentioned I write every idea down. I try to stick with ideas I know fairly well off the bat, because it's easiest to write what you know. In absence of that, I find more inspiration in the research into an idea. Much of the action in TPC was heavily inspired by George Santos's many misdeeds, which I read in the news or on Wikipedia.

If I can distill the idea into a premise, it informs my narrative voice in a given work. Write what you know applies to premise as much as character perspective. You're always going to have an easier time writing a character you relate to or you encounter in real life and know quite well. You might consider this to get started. Personally, I find Reigen and Mezato easiest to write, because I relate to them the most. I find Serizawa and Shigeo more difficult to write, because I have more trouble relating to their life experiences. On the other hand, I find Roshuuto easy to write, because his brand of villainy is more familiar to me.

There's this notion of plotting vs pantsing. A plotter outlines every facet of their work before doing any writing. A pantser makes it up as they go (read: "by the seat of their pants"). Figuring out which one you are will enable you to write more comfortably.

Personally, I'm somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. For MP100, I always know where a work will end when I start. In TPC, the second scene I ever wrote was the epilogue. For me, the middle is what's more up in the air. In my experience, it's very difficult to be a total pantser and write comedic multi-chapter works, unless you write the whole thing before you post. It's not impossible, but in my opinion, humor relies on callbacks and repetition so much that you risk writing yourself into a wall if you're not careful. In general, I don't start formally "fic writing" without an overarching premise, but the premise might be as simple as: "Against everyone's better judgment, Reigen runs for union president. It blows up in his face."

This was my original outline for TPC before I even wrote chapter one:

I had the overarching narrative and the rough timeline for the mini-arcs in mind when I started. A lot of it ended up changing or shifting. I had a few themes I wanted to cover and comedic elements I wanted to set up. But when it came down to more specific mini-arc narrative details, I either plotted later or got away with pantsing it entirely.

Sometimes as I write chapters, I get stuck on individual scenes. Maybe I'm struggling to write scenery, or I haven't figured out a character interaction, or the dialogue isn't flowing the way I'd like. To deal with that, I have trained myself to write out of narrative order as needed. I write the scenes I'm most excited about first, and then I come back and fill in the rest of the connective tissue. This is easier in Scrivener, which is what I use to write, but you can set up any word processor to do this. Even within scenes, I sometimes skip parts that I need to think about for longer. Sometimes, I don't even finish sentences.

I'll write something like:

"Apparently you're quite popular on a particular Mobbit sub," he tells Reigen. Reigen's not sure he wants to know which one. "It was r/<SOMETHING FUNNY>. Did you know they hit a million subscribers this week? I think you helped."

And then in the middle of the night or in the shower or at the grocery store or whenever I think of "<SOMETHING FUNNY>", I fill it in later. When I edit, I make sure I clear out any remaining "<>." I do what I can, and then Future Ani does the rest. *handshake emoji*

For comedy writing, there are rules I follow that I'll link later on. While I've been inspired by a lot of other humor novelists or essayists, I also take a lot of inspiration from TV and standup.

I took a screenwriting class in college -- and while I didn't get the knack of screenwriting (B-, unlucky), I did learn a lot about plot progression, dramatic irony, show-not-tell, rule of threes, and scene setting. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but I found it helpful. You can see some of that inspiration manifest, for example, in that many of my fics have cold opens. I've always liked that comedic structure for drawing in the reader while establishing an overarching theme for the chapter. I do a lot of scene-switching and flashbacks as well. Scene-setting in comedy often involves juxtaposition -- e.g. "what if we put the weirdest loner from 7th division in a highly-collaborative corporate setting?". You're subverting expectations, and this is where you break the rules. Sometimes, comedy is about using the funniest word or word combination possible to describe something.

On that note, take some tips from poetry too. Alliteration, repetition, synecdoche, a lot of poetic devices work well here, because, like poetry, comedy writing depends on build-up and timing. Rules are best broken when it's rare and unexpected. It's way funnier and impactful when a character who never swears drops an f-bomb when they've finally had enough. Here's another example: in general, you should avoid epithets in fic writing, but it's all about being judicious with your timing. I can call Reigen "the union's esteemed president" instead of his name in a scene in Executive Privilege, because I juxtapose it with him doing something less-than-esteemed.

Perhaps less obviously, the TV influence manifests in the way I write dialogue too -- shorter and generally interleaved between the characters. While I read everything I write out loud during editing to check flow, I especially focus on tightening up dialogue. I don't always get it right, but I try to make sure that every word in a piece of dialogue has to have a purpose: either characterization or timing, in that order. Serizawa uses a lot of "I think" or "In my opinion." Reigen...does not do that. And Dimple is a master of the last word in the form of a pithy quip. If I plan my scenes to use that characterization to support the comedic timing I'm shooting for, it works all the better. (e.g. -- let Reigen babble on like an expert about something he doesn't actually know anything about, let Serizawa think on it for a while and come to a conclusion that puts Reigen on the spot, let Reigen backtrack, and then let Dimple add his jab at the end. And scene.)

Aaand that's a lot of reflection. Probably too much reflection. These are some considerations that have helped me over time, so I hope others might find it helpful too. Getting started is tough, and it's often terrifying to put your work out there (and somehow, even more terrifying to put a GDoc in front of a beta reader, I haven't a clue why but it's true for me!). But once you start, I promise it gets easier! You'll build yourself a foundation and continue to pick up things you like, discard things you don't like, and grow from there.

Thanks again for sending this ask. It means a lot to me. Happy to continue the conversation and field other people's thoughts on any of this! Like I said, this is a reflection on my process, but everyone develops their own unique approach to writing over time. Mine changes over time too. Above all, I hope you can heal from the crush of the education system, find enjoyment in writing again, and discover the style and process that works for you <3

Resources (AKA things I personally have bookmarked):

general writing (in addition to Strunk&White, Orwell, and others mentioned earlier):

how to get out of a writing slump (this fixed me once)

masterlist of general writing resources

another big ass masterlist

resources for describing places

masterlist of facial expressions

how to write an inciting incident

i found this recently: cultural differences writing work set in japan

i also follow writing prompt blogs, nanowrimo, character and relationship week blogs, etc. prompts can be a great way to start and build community with other writers!

comedic writing:

basic tips on writing humor

comedic devices

comedic genre

i can't find the link for this BUT: humor and comedy is not inherently less complex or wise or valuable than non-comedic work. writing is writing and fics are fics, whether they make the reader laugh, cry, or both.

[laurasimonsdaughter]

It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. And such an obvious solution! This place was basically her dream apartment, but it required two flatmates to make it affordable. Chris wanted to get out of his noisy basement room, Ev was making their first big move away from their pack and they were both worried about finding anyone that would want to live with them. It was perfect! Because surely all that stuff about vampires and werewolves being at each other’s throats was just prejudiced nonsense and of course two of the people that liked her most would also like each other.

At least, that was what two-months-ago Yule had thought. Present-day Yule had very different thoughts on the matter. Not so much about the prejudice stuff, not even about the liking each other stuff, but very much about this being a good idea.

“Oh my god, Yule, he’s going to hate me forever,” Ev groaned on Wednesday, lying face first on Yule’s bed.

“No he won’t.”

“He will.” Ev let out a suffering growl. “He was so upset over his socks being gone!”

“Just his left socks,” Yule hummed, as if that should be any consolation. “Which you didn’t know was a thing for vampires, and he did leave them lying around in the bathroom. You were trying to be nice, doing laundry for us all. I appreciated it.”

Ev was capable of sounding very much like a sad puppy. “He already didn’t like me,” they mumble unhappily into the pillow.

“That’s not true, Ev.”

“Is too. Whenever it’s anywhere near full moon he just avoids me.”

“Not on purpose I’m sure. He likes you fine, Ev, I promise. He’s just…not used to living with people.”

“People like me, you mean.”

“People that aren’t dead, I mean,” Yule said deliberately. She sat down on the edge of her bed and stroked through her friend’s wild hair. That, at least, could always be depended upon to make them feel better.

There were no such shortcuts with Chris. Which was a pity, because Yule really thought she needed some.

---

“It’s absolutely mortifying. What must they think of me,” Chris lamented on Monday.

“I can tell you what they think. They think that you didn’t realise werewolves could hear high frequencies in music.”

“I woke them up. In the middle of the night.”

“Ev is up in the middle of the night all the time, Chris.”

“It is the principle of the thing!”

Yule sighed. “Will you at least sit down instead of hovering on the doorstep? I’ve asked you inside several times.”

“I’m not hovering.”

“You are, just not literally. Please sit down.”

Chris took a single, uncomfortable step into the room. “…there is no other seat than your bed.”

Oh bless him. Yule moved from her desk chair to her bed. “There.”

“Thank you.” It was incredible how prim and proper he managed to sit on a swivelling chair. Surely that was something he must have absorbed from other vampires. Chris wasn’t that old.

Yule gave him an encouraging smile. “Ev won’t hold it against you, I’m certain.”

He let out a miserable sigh. “I had hoped to improve their opinion of me, not worsen it.”

No, not this again. “Whatever are you talking about?”

“Surely you’ve noticed they disappear whenever I’ve fed. They can’t even stand to look at me.”

“Chris, Ev eats unspeakable things every month. I promise you they’re not squeamish about blood.”

Judging from Chris’ expression that was not at all comforting and probably meant, in his mind, that Ev was only squeamish about him. But that was a conversation Yule was absolutely not ready to have.

“So,” she said, rising from her bed with determined energy. “How have you been getting on with that podcast idea where you sarcastically review biographies of people you knew?”

She really needed to work on her list of distracting topics, or she’d never make it through the week.

[Read the whole pining disaster on AO3.]

[scenetocause]

For the director's cut thing: At the end of Climb up to your lips, you implied Max F and Logan might be A Thing, and I'd love to hear more about that if you want to share ❤️

idk if i'll ever actually finish the logan perspective thing i started writing midway through the main story bc actually when i looked back at it i was like these are really just my own background notes what do you think you are jrr tolk himself you don't have to publish stuff you wrote for your own reference. but hey if there ever was a medium for all your stupid lore and self-fanfic then it surely is a o three dot org (note to old men fantasy writers etc) so maybe i will.

basically the thesis is that logan, like oscar at the start, is lonely and can't get what he wants, which is a boyfriend. both him and oscar have resigned themselves to never being able to reconcile their ambitions in f1 with anything that fulfils them in that way and sort of let their friendship settle as a pseudo-standin where they can hang out and be each other's person to take to things, go to dinner with, whatever and just live in suspended animation until something (???) happens and they get disney prince rescued.

something does happen for girloscar which is that she isn't so much disney prince rescued as like, dragged into a bath by a wet cat. and she can't believe this is happening because she's fancied lando for ages, used to pine at him from the alpine pit wall so much she got caught by otmar once, who mistook it for trying to steal secrets off mclaren and she had to make something up about the front wing.

she's so excited to be teammates with him but also so, so mortified and trying really hard to be normal about it. logan's thrilled to be in f1 at all but also realising that deal he had for fucking about a little bit with some of the f2 guys was just fucking about for them when their girlfriends weren't on the travel budget and definitely won't survive being in different paddocks.

oscar gets lando and logan gets lonelier. at the same time, his season's falling apart and everyone's announcing his career dead before it feels like it's had a chance to start. he has to rely on benny and james and benny starts to, gently, put distance between them to keep it professional, manage logan's expectations. so he clings to james, at the same time as knowing this is probably the worst possible way to try and keep his seat and that it's going nowhere, the team principle not a viable fuckbuddy, let alone anything more.

enter jenson button. hot dad, sympathetic ear, special advisor to williams. whiskey supplier. a man who's there to help you celebrate your first f1 point and certainly isn't going to argue if that involves a bit of fucking your brains out. lovely, sweet, gentle, funny jenson who makes logan feel special and loved and sweeps him up from his flat in london in fancy cars to go to fancier restaurants as though he deserves the champagne.

and then goes home to his wife and kids.

somewhere along the way, hurting during the 2024 season, logan has to break it off. he wants what oscar and lando have, not this. it was glamorous and exciting and giving him the confidence he was part of this world he's fighting to stay in, for awhile but then it starts making him realise he'll only ever be the number two in that situation, forever out of contention for the real prize. it's all a bit on the nose.

so he stubbornly struggles through 2024, single as fuck and finding himself taking rather than giving advice to oscar about things to stick up your arse, which feels lonelier than ever before. in miami the combination of his and oscar's shit weekend and lando's good one leads to him coming out for a few drinks and ending up fucking one of the mclaren pr guys. he has a meltdown when he sees the papaya shirt on the floor the next morning.

pr guy's very discreet about it, although he keeps smiling at logan every time they cross paths and logan's about 85% sure there isn't actually a need for him to follow oscar so closely, actually. logan's shaky position makes someone being so into him about as comfortable on his skin as sweaty fireproofs but that doesn't stop him being desperate enough to fall into bed with the guy again once he has something to celebrate. once he realises he's charlie-from-marketing's jenson figure.

he's not an asshole so he does take the guy on a few dates, try and romance him a bit. maybe he, too, can find love with a mclaren twink, it worked for oscar after all. but it just doesn't click, the guy doesn't really understand him, too in awe of the fact he's getting screwed by an f1 driver to notice the bedsheets are ikea and one of the pillows is pretty badly tearstained. that logan's barely clinging to his ride, feels like he is what they're saying; one of the worst ever, not even brave enough with the car to crash as spectacularly as latifi.

logan doesn't exactly break it off but says he needs them to take a break while he's negotiating his contract, can't risk anything. it's not a huge surprise when a few week's later it's obvious the guy's moved on with ollie bearman. like his last relationship, it's all a bit on the nose.

2025 gives him time to work out what he really wants. f1 might not be it, life might be better somewhere else. he starts talking to formula e teams, wondering if a life in papaya might not be that bad after all provided he didn't have to see oscar and lando mooning over each other. and that's not even fair because oscar asks him to be her best man and he's stoked, especially because lando's is max and they've stayed in touch, still hang out. max is doing a few bits racing gts, initially as a quadrant thing but then it turned out he was more than good enough to be in demand as the pro to a gentleman driver who was so eager to get back in a race car he didn't really negotiate on price, even.

logan avoids asking him about it but max is fucking hype about how mint the 24 hours of spa is. fucking mental, mate. you're throwing it up eau rouge with a bunch of blokes who wear suits, like proper suits not race suits, all week in the pitch dark and it's shitting it down with rain and you think: i shouldn't be enjoying this, should i? should really be driving into the pits and saying no thanks, that's absolutely mad, can't be doing that sort of business. but then when it's happening you're like, properly into it, aren't you? got a podium in misano, mate, it was mad. blowie off one of the mechanics, that didn't happen in f3 did it haha mind you guess they would've been a bit of a nonce back then wouldn't they. you should come to a race i'll get you vip, they'll go mental for an f1 driver being there mate, they went mad when bob dropped into brands and he was only there five minutes.

logan doesn't say that he thinks he has a lot less star power than lando but they do give him vip anyway. he's never been to magny cours before, it feels weighted with that type of european history the classic race tracks do, like another thing that might find out who he is and reject him.

even if the circuit isn't embracing him, max does. complains about logan being so fucking tall, mate, it's annoying, i swear you were smaller than me once. he wasn't but max can pretend that, if it helps. max is jangling with nerves, rushing between trying to sort things out with the team - because it's not like, you know, f3 and that, you have to set the car up so the other bloke can drive it the best he can and then you just sort of have to cope with how it is. actually, that's quite like f3 innit? do you remember in fucking silversto- nah, let's not think about that right now.

it's nice. it's nothing to do with f1. even with the quadrant logos, that's max's thing, no weird haunting of lando around and it's not like logan dislikes the guy, at all, it's just that it's nice that this is all theirs. logan can breathe out, relax, laugh properly for what feels like the first time in ages because no one's scrutinising his every move and max gives him a headset and tells him to listen out for when he's boxing, put the fucking kettle on, yeah?

logan falls asleep on max's hotel bed, listening to him recount the whole story of a race he just watched. max tucks him in, rather than the trophy and if they wake up hugging that's no one's business but theirs. didn't used to do blowies in f3, either but when there's something to celebrate and max really is so small, so cute, so unselfconscious about everything because it's just them, yeah. doesn't have to be a massive fuss like bob and oscar, do you want a lift back to the uk? i've got space since bob moved his fucking golf clubs out the boot finally.

oscar and lando get married a week later and it's very oscar and lando. logan didn't have a date to bring, didn't even think about it before he saw george's girlfriend and kelly and the sharp stab of whoever lewis' guy is. logan knows there's no point being jealous on that scale; he couldn't be lewis, on any level but everyone wants, don't they?

max doesn't have a date either. probably doesn't need to hold logan's hand while they're waiting for lando and oscar to do their vows and max is crying and maybe logan's crying too. they have to stay behind to clear up the flower petals, getting tutted at in french while max rolls his eyes and says they should try being told off at Viry, fucking hell.

if they're later to the reception than is strictly necessary because as they were leaving max turned round and said "do you think, mate. you know, we could - one day" and logan decided to stop living on borrowed time and properly make out with him against the harbour wall. have to stop because they're getting dangerously close to third base and max is breathy and gasping and telling logan he can have this. they always were equals, each others' biggest rivals, maybe they're meant to be here, bright eyed and hair disarrayed and grinning at each other, not the places they've been struggling.

oscar's definitely onto them, makes some really crude comments about it being traditional for the best man and head bridesmaid to fuck, innit and logan has to tell her to fuck off and bother her husband. they are properly cute, though, aren't they? never thought bob would be able to hold a relationship together but she's properly straightened him out, who knew he just had to get pegged- fuck, pretend i didn't say that. oh, how did you know, too?

logan and max normally stay with lando and oscar when they're in monaco. but there's only one spare room and this doesn't feel the moment to drop that announcement, as well as they do not want to hear what those two pervs are doing to each other tonight. so they're in different hotels but everything in monte carlo's pretty much the same place, pick logan's on the basis it's nearer the casino and they can go for a late night, last drink once they've got oscar and lando's very drunk dads into a cab.

kissing when they're in fancy suits is hot. fucking when they're out of them is hotter. when logan slides home into max's body and sees him gasp, feels his hands curl on logan's shoulders as they both moan and if it's too much like lovemaking then, well. maybe that's what they're doing. creating something, between them. something that's all theirs and they can choose without anyone else's decisions or approval. no need to wait in limbo or have to guess what happens next, which is that they come on each other and then curl up together, max sprawled on logan's chest all happy and sated and real.

he doesn't wait for the f1 decision, to make plans. racing drivers aren't patient and he finally feels like one again, especially every time his boy brings home a trophy like it's theirs. logan starts adding to the collection, too. both of them get to push, at last. they've always been good at doing that for each other.

[spiderfreedom]

The Curtain Closes, For Now

It's been a few months and I haven't really felt a desire to go back to feminist blogging. In some sense, I feel like I've said what I've needed to say, and reached the limit of what I can do with my words. I'm not an especially persuasive person, so my attempts to kind of get any sort of organized action going failed. Maybe I'll be back one day, but for now, this is the end.

I learned so much here, and the time I spent really changed how I viewed the world. I can't regret it. I met so many amazing women and was encouraged for the first time in my life to center women.

At the same time, I felt I was living a double life, which was extremely painful psychologically. I had an entire second part of my life I could not tell anyone about. It hurt, physically. I knew this couldn't last forever.

I also felt like there was no long term future for writing certain things here. We have diversity, yes, but some things seem to have become axiomatic in the community. There is nothing wrong with having principles, but there are issues when your commitment to a value prevents you from incorporating new evidence. I have met a lot of people who feel the same way I do about certain things - feeling that it is not wise to discuss certain things asexuality, sexual relations with male people, or the origins of MTF (beyond 'pornsickness', 'misogyny', 'internalized homophobia'). I don't like how many people have felt they couldn't be open about their experiences or theories without risking censure.

I don't foresee this changing in the future. Tumblr communities are notoriously difficult for anyone to control or set norms for. At a certain point, I realized that I simply don't belong here anymore. Perhaps the interests have diverged too much. I worried I was becoming too focused on a single interpretation of the world.

I will leave my posts up for the time being. Many people have told me they have helped them, which is perhaps the greatest gift I got. If I can help someone else organize their thoughts or find stats and resources, then I am happy. I wish I could have done more, but I can't continue to live a double life, and especially a double life within the double life.

My political views have mostly not changed, but it's easier to live day-to-day now. I roll my eyes when someone talks about le ebil radfems. I could tell them stories about what radfems really are like - a very diverse group of women concerned with misogyny, with a radical framework. But they wouldn't want to listen. Their loss. I will keep centering women anyway.

If you would like to contact me for whatever reason, feel free to DM me, though I can't promise I'll reply quickly. I'll log in every now and then.

Thank you for reading, and best wishes for the future.

EDIT: oh yeah, I was also retraumatizing myself by constantly exposing myself to misogyny, violence against women, and the mistreatment of gnc and autistic women. I went through a pretty dark period because of it. It was not at all sustainable. I don't blame anyone for this except myself, as I failed to curate my own experience, but this political work inevitably requires seeing that material. I can't do it anymore.

[skayafair]

John, Lies and Trust, and the Dark World Pt.2

Part 1:

The Dark World

That's the part where I get very emotional for many reasons.

First time was bad enough to become what appears to be a life-long trauma and the worst nightmare John's terrified to death about. But THIS time he experienced a close bond with someone, learned what not being alone feels like, reshaped his mind to be more human-like... and lost all that. He was in the worst place in all the worlds, alone, again. Somewhere he'd give almost anything to never be. Unfamiliar horrors are one thing, but it's entirely different when you went through hell, know exactly how unbearable it is, and then you have to go through this again. Knowing how it would feel. This is devastating. And that's the first blow.

The second hit is that if I understand it correctly, ending up in the Dark World is fate worse than death because you cannot die there. As I get it, things there are already dead. So if a god - fine, a piece of a god, doesn't matter in this case, - ends up there, and gods are immortal, they have to endure this indefinitely, most likely forever, with no hope to escape. As if the very nature of the Dark World was not bad enough, the worst thing about being there this time was that it went on and on and on, the horrors didn't just happen one or a many times, they kept happening with no end in sight. Before there was at least a book. Now there was nothing. So no matter how long John held to his newfound principles and determination... anyone would run out of this eventually. I'm not surprised he rolled back to the old ways. By its description, the Dark World is not a nice and welcoming place. And, like I said, John wants to live and couldn't die there anyway, so he had to preserve what he could. He had to survive, and a survival mode is never pretty. We don't know what exactly he had to do there - on his own and for Kayne??? - but judging by the way he was in s3 I think we can confidently say one thing: he didn't enjoy any of it, and that's important. I'll get back to this later, but mention that Arthur in his survival mode is pretty terrible either.

Now we enter the territory of questions and assumptions, but still. I wondered if John had some hope - certainly not much, but some - that Arthur would get him out of there, like the first time? Or that when Arthur dies, they'll at least meet each other? John knows that together they can endure any horrors. Almost anything feels more bearable when you aren't alone in this. When it isn't lonely. But no one came. John was abandoned, completely, for good. @keykidpilipili mentioned how this situation with the Dark World is similar to Aqua's in KH, I went to watch the scenes with her and I think they really deliver exactly how unbearable this is and why. What makes me think I'm not just making things up is the fact that Arthur heard his voice during one of his first NDEs. What if it actually was John, calling from the Dark World, desperate for any glimpse of hope and companionship? Cry with me And then in s3 Arthur really says it. "How about we find each other if we end up there". Gods, my heart.

One last thing. Whatever happened there, however long it lasted, whatever John had to give up and lose there... he kept his promise. He never forgot his one and only friend, never stopped keeping him dear. And I think it's another important thing not only about John and how much his whole personality is built around being true and genuine, but also about their relationship.

Yes, to me John is about truth and not lies. His reationship with both is complicated, but... when one builds themselves up as they go, not knowing who they are yet, only exploring the concept and the limits, lies tend to really confuse them. John hates being misjudged, called by any other name than the one he chose himself, when others say things about him which are simply not true as if they knew better. He's going in a full rage mode immediately. Oh how much I understand you in this, pal. It's important for him to distinguish the truth - what actually is there, and about himself as well, - from lies, assumptions and illusions. Important to keep them apart.

But, again, when he's backed into a corner, he'd revert to lies as one of the escape means, hating every moment of it. It's a survival tactic for him - a bad one, but one of the most familiar as it seems, and therefore nearly automatic, like a knee jerk reflex. It's also the last resort.

[steveezekiel]

THE NEEDY

"FOR THE NEEDY SHALL NOT ALWAYS BE FORGOTTEN; the expectation of the poor shall not perish forever.”

Psalm 9:18 (NKJV)

• God hates poverty thus He has a soft spot for the poor: "BUT YOU, LORD, TELL THEM, “I will do something! THE POOR ARE MISTREATED AND HELPLESS PEOPLE MOAN. I'LL RESCUE ALL WHO SUFFER" (Psalm 12:5 Contemporary English Version).

- God does not want the poor to be oppressed or cheated. There are some couple of passages of the Bible where God said the poor should not be mistreated (Deuteronomy 24:10-13). That If the poor are mistreated and they cried to Him, He would fight for them (Exodus 23:6; Deuteronomy 15:7-10; 24:14,15)

- Note: God will not forget the Needy: "FOR THE NEEDY SHALL NOT ALWAYS BE FORGOTTEN; THE EXPECTATION OF THE POOR SHALL NOT PERISH FOREVER" (Psalm 9:18 NKJV).

- To be in need is not a crime, however, God does not want His own children, those who belong to Him, to remain in need.

- Poverty is a curse! It relegates and makes one unfulfilled in life, thus, God would not want it for whoever is His. He has delight and pleasures in the prosperity of those who serve Him (Psalm 35:27).

• The Solution.

- God has made provision in His Word through which every believer in Christ Jesus could live in abundance and chase lack and poverty away from their lives.

- God is able to meet all the need of those who belong to Him: "HE WHO DID NOT WITHHOLD OR SPARE [even] HIS OWN SON BUT GAVE HIM UP FOR US ALL, WILL HE NOT ALSO WITH HIM FREELY AND GRACIOUSLY GIVE US ALL ALL [other] THINGS?" (Romans 8:32)

- Jesus became poor that we might be rich (2 Corinthians 8:9). Thus, the deliverance from poverty comes through the obedience of believers to the principles of abundance written in the Bible—God’s Word.

- God also works based on covenants. And He is a principled God. Wealth is a result of the covenant which God made with Abraham: "YOU SHALL REMEMBER THE LORD YOUR GOD, FOR IT IS HE WHO GIVES YOU POWER TO GET WEALTH, THAT HE MAY CONFIRM HIS COVENANT THAT HE SWORE TO YOUR FATHERS, AS IT IS THIS DAY" (Deuteronomy 8:18 ESV).

- Emotional crying may not move God like being obedient to what He said to do in His Word that would lead to financial abundance. Covenant is higher and greater than any economic situations or circumstances of whatever the nation of the world.

- What makes a believer blessed is not the economic condition of his or her country, but his or her obedience to the terms of the covenant for prosperity which are stated in God's Word.

- When you walk in the principle of Giving:

a. Tithings.

b. Offerings: worship offerings, project offerings, offerings to the needy, prophet offerings, mission offerings, and others.

- Giving of your substance would not be enough, your commitment and being diligent, that is, being hardworking and smart, in whatever your assignment is; are very important also.

- Being prudent in spending is of utmost importance as well, because God is against any waste.

- God is moved by faith, when you believe His Word and act on It, that is faith. And faith is said to please God, but unbelief displeases Him (Hebrews 11:6).

- Thus, you had to obey the Word of God, practice it, and put it to work; then you see Him move on your behalf (James 1:25).

• You will not fail in Jesus' name.

- Should there be any ailment in your body, receive your healing now in Jesus' name.

- Hold of sicknesses is completely broken in your life in the mighty name of Jesus Christ.

Peace!

STEPS TO SALVATION

• Take notice of this: IF you are yet to take the step of salvation, that is, yet to be born-again, do it now, tomorrow might be too late (2 Corinthians 6:1,2; Hebrews 3:7,8,15).

a. Acknowledge that you are a sinner and confess your Sins (1 John 1:9); And ask Jesus Christ to come into your life (Revelation 3:20).

b. Confess that you believe in your heart that Jesus Christ is Lord, and that you confess it with your mouth, Thus, you accept Him As your Lord and Saviour (Romans 10:9,10).

c. Ask that He will write your name in the Book of Life (Philippians 4:3; Revelation 3:8).

- If you took the steps As highlighted above, It means you are saved—born-again. Join a Word based church in your area and Town or city, and be part of whatever they are doing there. Peace!

[hamliet]

Neo really did get her kick the puppy moment there :( May I ask if you could elaborate further on why you think she might not return from Ever After? If someone has to stay behind for team RWBY+J to be able to leave, I can see it happening. But if they can all leave I would love for Neo to join the cast after she's saved. It just feels sad to me if she ends up living forever alone in a fantasy world.

I actually don't think she'd stay there forever, but I also do not ever see Neo joining the squad exactly. Popping back up to help in the final battle, absolutely (I would bet on this actually), but joining them just kinda doesn't fit Neo and feels like it would ask too much, too soon, in terms of believability.

I'm all for redemption and reconciliation, especially in a fairy tale!, but it's a lot to ask of someone who legit just bullied someone into attempting suicide. With Emerald the squad had a foundation, and it's not a coincidence that she joins them before Mercury because of this foundation.

I do think they--particularly Ruby, actually--will save Neo from the Cat, but not necessarily for Neo's sake but their own. Neo's a person, and she doesn't deserve this. It's a principle that I suspect Ruby will cling to as she finds her way back through this, and I think she will save Neo in the end as a way of affirming that she is a Huntress. What that looks like may not be all triumph. But she is a Huntress, and that's what Huntress's do. (It's also a set-up for saving Cinder tbh.)

I can see Neo lingering in the Ever After for a bit, honestly, working through her own issues (it would also be a nice novel... lol). But it's possible she comes with them and does that in Vacuo. If she does, I still don't see her joining RWBYJNORE as a friend or equal, though.

See, Neo's role is fundamentally the trickster archetype. She's not really on anyone's side but her own. I also don't see that really changing, or anything set up to make Neo question that that should change. I don't actually think Neo is morally wrong for this or framed as morally wrong for it, in other words. Not everyone is cut out to be a Huntress or to want to fight for principles.

However, tricksters do usually have loyalty to people who value them, because if it affects their own interests, they'll care. See, Neo and Roman. If Ruby saves her, as I suspect she will, especially after Neo's own emptiness upon seeing Ruby attempt suicide, Neo will probably flounce off on her own to do whatever she wants... but if Ruby needs her, like at a final battle? Neo will show up and take names.

But who knows? I was somewhat wrong about the Cat's role and I'm not even a little mad about it because I loved the episode (it strangely comforted me, as someone who's dealt with PTSD and suicidal thoughts, plus the cat moment was truly horrifying in the best way). We'll see.

[darkestrellar]

I do not think Svern gives a single shit about identity labels as applied to himself, either regarding gender or sexuality. He knows what they are and he knows about various ones, he just doesn't care about how they relate to himself. You can assume anything in literally any direction about him and he won't correct you because He's Svern. Why Would He Correct You.

Svern, who:

Constantly portrays a facade (or more than one), but laughs derisively if someone tries to simplify it to "Real Self vs An Act".

Gladly lets people think whatever other opinions they wish about him regardless of accuracy or favourability of said opinions.

Is always doing things that may or may not have a real basis in any actual feeling or impulse (and it doesn't matter either way because he's very good at committing to the bit).

Has his #1 life principles as "you can do whatever you want forever" and "as long as you're alive who gives a shit how you live, but if you happen to die as a result of it, also who gives a shit".

He could sit down and figure out what would fit him best if he felt like it, he just genuinely Doesn't Care and it Doesn't Matter To Him at all. He has about ten thousand other things to do with his time and he has a fun dynamic with the concept of "identity" in general as it is.

(I don't have gender or pronouns listed on his abouts due to reasons and the biggest one for orientation being listed is that aro and ace rep [and different experiences of each] is personally important to me.)

[highladyluck]

i was tagged by @anyboli

Tag nine (9) people you’d like to know better (brain can't think of enough people rn but if you want to, do it!)

last song: Spilt Needles - The Shins

currently watching: Strange New Worlds, but also trashy home renovation reality shows on Netflix. (Trashy by my standards, which means I feel like I'm compromising my moral principles by watching them. I don't think rapid flips/renovations for entertainment are really ethical, and flipped houses in general have a terrible rep for a reason, but I love transformations. Also more practically, they're great for when I want new background sounds, but I can't give whatever I'm watching my full attention.) I'm also low-key rewatching Hilda in the background at work.

currently reading: Unmasking Autism by Devon Price (I don't read a ton of nonfiction but this was recommended to me by a friend & it's really interesting)

current obsession: wheel-throwing pottery (I just signed up for open studio time this afternoon after work- normally I can't do those slots because that's when I make dinner, but we're eating leftovers tonight so I grabbed a slot.) Also always and forever Wheel of Time; I dreamed last night that I was like, live-acting in a WoT reboot and they'd decided to give Mat the medallion early and also make it the cursed object instead of the dagger? It was kind of fascinating as a concept.

[helperhome]

Welcome Home!

Hello Everyone,

After months of procrastinating, I feel like I’m finally ready to get this thing up and running. My intention for this blog is to spread the mental health resources I've gathered freely so that anyone with access to the internet can have access to this information.

God, Allah, our creator, or whatever you call it, has blessed me with a unique perspective on life. During a time of intense turmoil, I was blessed to have a top-of-the-line health insurance provider. Not only was it a top-tier provider, but my coverage plan was also exceptional. For reference, it covered every ambulance ride I’d had AND a trip to the E.R. via Life Flight - so you could say it was pretty freakin’ good. On top of that, it gave me access to a multitude of resources as well as an abundance of medical professionals to choose from. During that time, however, I had no idea what kind of blessing that actually was. As a child, I knew nothing about insurance and had no interest in learning about it. Compared to now, I have state-covered health insurance and it’s nearly impossible to get an appointment with someone who is actually qualified to help me. The provider pool is drastically limited as a whole when you have this type of insurance, but in the psychiatric field, it’s even worse. An already scarce option pool becomes even more limited when you go down the tiers of health insurance, with the number of limitations rising as you go down the tiers. This can make it seemingly impossible to have access to the help you need, not to mention the financial burden of it all. Having a hard time connecting with providers forced me to rely on myself and my connection with God in order to make any sort of progress. Luckily for me, I absolutely LOVE doing research and broadening my understanding of things. Combined with my never-ending curiosity, my ability to absorb information has given me all the tools I need to heal myself repeatedly. 

Back in the day, I had a gut feeling to hold onto the information I was given by my various therapists, counselors, case workers, and other professionals along my journey. I may not have understood the actual depth of this then, but I knew those papers had value to them. I knew they needed to be shared with the world. 

Fast forward to the current moment, I now have an entire binder full of worksheets, exercises, and other information that I’ve been collecting since 2011 or so. Along with that, I retained a lot of the practices and principles I was taught by educated professionals still to this day. I’ve used them in tandem with other resources I’ve found and ultimately it has been a successful journey. Now it is time that I offer all of this to the world, so you may find the tools you need to help you along your healing journey. 

Remember that this journey is one that is never-ending, with old traumas resurfacing and new events taking place on a daily basis. It is hard at times, but it is truly worth it. When you are able to say that you deserve the help you need, you begin to heal in ways you may have never thought possible - and I want to help. It’s also important to mention that without the aid of my medication, I don’t think I would be able to make it as far as I have. I found a nurse practitioner who took me in even though I was far from what her experience had her accustomed to - we both knew that - but she did her very best to help me. (She did an amazing job with what she had, and I'm forever thankful for her.) Things changed in both of our lives, so I was forced to search for someone better qualified to help me. Thankfully I had an abundance of varying doses of the medication I rely on for daily function, so I have been able to keep medicated while waiting for my new provider. Medications are a valuable tool in this process, so I highly recommend trying to find something that helps you. For me, it's 50 mg of Nortriptyline - a medication used to treat narcolepsy but also in more severe cases, C-PTSD. The medications themselves do not solve all of the problems you have, so if you go at it from that perspective you’ll be met with disappointment. Rather, they offer enough relief from the symptoms that are disrupting you so that you can navigate your mind to find the solutions yourself. The change truly does begin with you.