#but i learned it and it actually wasnt as bad as i thought id be

[delightfuldevin]

I have now learned Till Depth Do Us Part and Hide and Sleek,,

[arolesbianism]

I need to make a new pmd story right now or I'll explode

[sereniv]

apologies are hard and can be embarassing

but life is too short to let your grandma go to bed sad

[qui-gg]

opinion on the bog ii 🤖🤖🤖

I’ll assume you mean bot and answer accordingly

(Drops art i havent shared and wasnt really planning to. But its appropriate for the things ill talk about yay)

Fun fact i didn’t really have a strong opinion of bots character for a while but then one day i woke up and went “I have an idea for a gjinka” and it caused me to get into their character and now its like my fav gjinka to draw

(Some fun facts about that gjinka design: their head is completely magnetic, and their “hair” is a set of completely removable accessories so their natural state is bald, they can add as much or as little as they want. Also they continue to wear a little pink because i was thinking of the “I can still like chocolate cake” line- they can still like pink too)

I LOVE BOT. Even though i have thoughts and opinions about the iffy nature they were implemented overall i love the concept of a character who was made to be someone else and theyve given me a lot to chew on which i appreciate with a character. What really fascinates me about them is how their interactions with other characters play out so id like to talk more about that⬇️

Their relationship with Cabby was what caused me to create the gjinka design in the first place, and then I found a song that made me think of them and i was like Wow. Bot and cabby’s initial impressions of one another being somewhat at odds due to miscommunication but ultimately other factors (cabby’s disability and bot’s suppression of their fake memory- wow they both have memory issues!) was something that lasted a while but then iii14 saw the end of bot’s assumptions of her being strained when they finally had the chance to actually talk with one another. Bot assumed that Cabby was obsessed with finding a way to explain their existence and identity which they very much felt didn’t need an explanation for who they were, but they realized this is only the way cabby processes the world around her they both place importance on identity both with not knowing their pasts and carving a way for their futures the way they are and they can do it together agh i love ittt

Here my gjinkas of them with an outfit styleswap

One day i kind of started placing suitcase in bots position to cabby though and i just think about their potential relationship primarily now though LMAO but thats unrelated

With fan and test tube I had stronger opinions about how the circumstances/reasons behind creating them weren’t strong enough and it caused both of their characters to backslide from where they were in ii14 but now i like to look at it and take what i can get from it because i like it when characters do bad and questionable things its interesting to analyze why they did something so selfish. In fan’s case he didnt have a strong connection with bow’s death when it happened beyond being a fan of her bc of his low empathy at the time especially he didnt process it as Death, and he believes he knows everything about bow as the number1 fan so now hes the best person for the job, and test tube coldly decides to recreate the image of a person under the idea shes now using her strengths for a good cause, but shes wrong and she has to learn shes wrong. Theyre not bot’s parents- but it’s easiest for them to describe them that way, since they created them, but that’s not quite how their relationship is at all. Bot has no real familial ties with them, and test tube created them with the sold intention of being somebody other than they are, so that’s always going to stick with them and theyre not just a blindly happy family now. Bot is also a grown adult that doesnt just go away they shouldn’t be infantilized so much. They can be friends with fan and test tube because they now recognize them as Bot but honestly theyd prefer keeping a distance when they can because they wish they were made intentionally or were just a person, but they appreciate being created. Its a pretty unique situation

What really fascinates me the most though is the concepts of how they are in relation to Bow, with the concept of being created as a replication of someone who already exists being so terrifying for both involved. In Bot’s perspective, their conscious is being repressed intentionally to continue living someone else’s life who they never even knew and doesnt identify with. And everyone is acting like its fine and okay when theyre the only one who seems to see how scary this is. They just struggle to grasp with their very existence with the only thing to guide them being a paragraph of a character description and to spew references that dont make sense. In BOWS perspective, she was a celebrity and the most popular contestant in the first season of a reality show, and even after dying on it the fans just screamed for her to “come back” though it was impossible. So her likeness kept getting replicated by both the show (doughs inclusion) and fans (bots creation) who both misrepresented her and she could do nothing but watch it play out. Her death was being denied and other people were living her life just because she was popular on a show, it’s terrifying. Terrifying and despair inducing for both of them theyd both have a disdain for one another on an existential degree, and bot finding their identity is freeing for both of them.

Lifetime achievement award made me insane abt this thanks panks

:D ive talked long enough so thanks for reading this far if you made ittt ! More art

[imustbenuts]

ouggh could you please elaborate on your criticism of brave Alfonse ...I like hearing your thoughts (⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠)

alright. so this is just a messy sloppy thought vomit essay again im so sorry in advance.

and i am salty overall about this.

in 2 words: traditional conservatism

in many many words:

ALFONSE. OPEN UP YOUR WAY CARVE YOUR OWN PATH WHAT ARE YOU DOINGGGGGG IF YOU ARE SAYING HE HAS POTENTIAL JUST. FUCKING. COMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU COWARDS! HAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHHHHHHG learn from your dad's ruling policy yes but don't become your dad and carve for the affection you cannot have jfc

IN MORE WORDS

gustav is. objectively speaking, not a good father in the emotional growth department. I've mentioned and maintained by him looking like an Asian tiger parent from my pov. even if he does lay out proper foundations and maybe good hc adjacent policy for country ruling, his approach of parenting is questionable at best.

I get him operating under pressure and sickness with a limited time left to raise his son in a manner befitting of the throne but like. All sink and no swim? No proper explicit guidance? You can't just be "I want my child to meet expectations and dispense no love", that's just straight up neglect my guy. hes very much the 2 faced proud big important parent person.

realistic, but yuck.

i dont think they even have a father son moment probably ever. Henriette and Gustav have a more functional relationship bc they actually dated and had proper human interaction, but it's likely given cultural asian and high expectations context irl, his kids were treated more like objects and successors. Despite everything he might have felt and expressed behind the scenes. again, the affection is not expressed and conveyed directly enough to his kids, and alfonse being his successor means. alfonse has major daddy issues and anxiety about succeeding the throne.

So now, brave alfonse, having lost this dad and understandably craving for fatherly affection and going through it in the plot, is. you know. in the process of redefining himself. arguably is always, but now, its either he's the successor of, King Gustav the Great II or The Next King of Askr. his role as with many many other of his type are to be a signifier of a new era. thats the whole point of successors!

hes even all "ILL OPEN THE WAY". implying that something before wasnt working out and a new path must be blasted open for a better future. thats the whole theme.

But the effect of Alfonse donning his fathers armor in this case is not respect, it reeks of insecurity! again, does alfonse know his father as Gustav The Person to a reasonable degreee? if by that we mean a neglecful parent but a decent king, okay. but why is there a need to repeat this cycle by wearing from head to toe, from body language to skill 1:1 of his dad. howis this a good thing...

dude. what the hell is intsys doing. do i need to call their parents or what the hell is this conservative traditional filial pathetic nonsense. what the hell happened to all of the other fire emblems who are 5 steps more progressive than this

(granted i do find FE to be very conservative on the whole now that ive stewed in the pot of it all but thats a me thing. it could also be dependant on the writer but idk them well enough to know who does what)

and heres my ideal fucking scenario, right. not very hard. id argue just picking up gustav's mantle OR axe and then working it into a new outfit that is explicit alfonse's would be miles better and what i would want. a signifier that alfonse the character knows himself and wants to walk his own path while honoring the good parts of gustav and discarding the bad.

not this. reanimation method of almost wanting to wear his fathers' skin. as if he cant move on and stand on his feet. as if hes unsure. as if they dont want him to commit (at least not yet bc we gonna milk FEH for as much as we can). despite. all the things that have been happening.

instead of rolling with the punches the armor feels like him not doing that. it might have been an easy alt to decide on, but character wise, i dislike it a lot.

[sillysystems]

hiii :D so i have no idea how this works cause weve never done it before but firstly can i claim the 🥀 as sign off and with our @funkylildragonfella? were a very silly system (hence our system name silly doc squad hehe) and have lots of silly things to share also we ramble a lot like a lot and i hope thats alright we just dont wanna be annoying /gen

so this one is a very long silly thing that once happened and also with sp chat cause it was very silly i hope thats okay if not if its too much or anything im very sorry /gen

so first here the sp chat hehe

and context:

so lucifer is a subsystem of at least 3 lucifers and were slowly learning some lil differences like 🎹 is mostly around of the lucifers as far as i can tell and hes more like caretaker and energy booster for me, then theres mainly protector lucifer 🎶 who also seems to swear a lot and then theres doc lucifer 🗂 whos an even bigger idiot than first lucifer but i love him too

hes helping us a lot like today he did a silly thing he apparently is able to mix up the dates and whatever like memories and stuff in our head so he made me think that we have therapy today at 12 so i went there only to stand there for an hour and wondering when im gonna be let in

but then i realized i probably got the date wrong and im really nervous and stuff about calls or writing messages to therapist or doctors and stuff but i had to cause i had to ask when the actual appointment is and our therapist replied and wasnt mad at all and told us that its tomorrow at 12

so yeah got that mixed up and then i thought to myself hey at least we got outside for a bit and then lucifer just popped up being like yeah that was the point like he mixed it up so id remember it wrong so that we would go outside for a bit cause we dont go outside that much as much as we want to but like for an appointment i would have to go no excuses

so i went there and then he was like and you also learned that its okay to mess up and how to write message to therapist cause to resolve the situation i had to write her and it wasnt so bad and the stress around it actually got a little less so it actually helped a bit

and yeah then i told him okay but you coudlve just asked me to go outside cause if he asks i would definitely go cause i love him its just different with outside people when they tell us to do things brain goes like no im not doing it now that you told us now

and yeah so now we made a deal like that hes gonna drop some little things to do that we have difficulty doing once in a while but like without pressure just in our own time and like when the other brain sillies ask im always gonna try cause i love them so yeah he said its like a quest and we can even do a point and reward system if it makes it easier and whatever hes so silly and i hate him but i also love him

Sure you can claim that 🥀 sing off and I'll make sure to add your tag in there. In this blog the're no such thing as annoying or too much so feel free to share what you want and yap all day, that's what the blog's for bro!!

I read the whole thing and that was wholesome ngl, a little trick to teach a lesson and learn, grow out, that's beautiful man

I also like how this Lucifers work, at least from what I've seen here, it's such an interesting way of working and I found funny how Jinx was like "I hate you but I love you"

Glad your therapist was chill about that little messed up!

[nitrokiraru]

chapter 1 of uuultra c finished!

sorry for the scuffed screenshot i dont think theres a cg library?? (understandable i heard theres over 1000+) but oh my god i actually loved this SO much thoughts under the cut

lemme start out by first saying how much i already prefer this to hashihime like maybe its the jazzy 70s setting but i was sold like 5 min in. the plot is actually fantastic i didnt think id care as much about 70s borderline superhero mfs but i DID i was literally so engaged in this shit its crazy

i really fucked with kozuka. ik they call him akira but theres two characters named that and i just wanna make it clear i mean Him

like he is just everything i love his cute lil snaggletooth. i loved him hes my fav chara from chapter 1 at least ill see how i feel when i play every chapter but for now imma say hes my fav. the side characters were rly interesting too

now lemme talk abt akishou. (i think thats their ship name? im not too deep into the actual fandom yet so idk) i do not play about them. this chapter wasnt even that long and i got sooo attached to them like do NOT separate them at all costs. it was a little poetic that shou was a kaiju and kozuka was an icarus like i was so scared they were gonna end it off sadly and IM VERY GLAD THEY DID NOT. because i mightve cried idk like I JUST LOVE THEM I CANT

and overall idk im bad at words but i loved this a LOT and im very excited to play the other chapters after this. really interesting plot and characters like even the side characters slayed. i def wanna learn more abt shirou and isshiki which i believe is the 2nd chapter

[docilepillow]

March Media Diary Thing 2024

This one's a weirdo! I'm typing this first paragraph after the fact, because it's the 30th instead of the exact end of the month like i wanted to post it . This post's a two-phaser, just because the way i typed this one out was in a " Live thoughts as fresh as i got them on the day i did stuff " kind of format. I didn't realize that there'd be so many more embeds then in febuary and january, but i guess it's just that kind of thing where you end up doing alot or doing the same but having more to say on it because its Now and not Before? I guess? I dunno. Everything below this space was gonna be from the start of the month , approaching towards the end. Okay, see you at the end of the second media diary post, now ! I'm gonna mix up this one and like unlike the last two i'm gonna try and write to this as i finish stuff instead of leaving it all until the end of the month, i think. im wondering if it'll make my thoughts more consise or not, but honestly, i have no idea! the main thing i think that gets lost out from this is the fact that i'll probably have less personal anecdotes about the month itself. Ohhhh.... MIGHTY SWITCH FORCE! < Silliest 3DS Home Screen Jingle >

i'm not giving this one a docism as a title just because it's kind of embarrasing to make too much more focal then it is, but the game's visual design and the way it flaunts itself does kind of make it a little distracting, but, i guess, more then anything else i've played from wayforward. um

i dont think its nessisarily a bad game or anything its perfectly alright. its like a little short for the price it retailed at on 3ds at least but its like. mediocre good i think . its not like bad or anything. its mostly just a game that sells itself with cute girls. which is fine i guess. like the game design Holds but the games focus is kinda scattershot, but whatever. it doesnt overstay its welcome or anything. the design's sound its just kind of okay all around NO MORE HEROES 2 - DESPERATE STRUGGLE < voice clip game of all time >

unintentional misogyny theming in this media diary oh no

coincidentally as i was playing i learned that the day i chose to start this game came out 3 years after the first game, which, coincidentally , lines up with the game's actual in-universe timeline iif my opinions on this game lines up itll be like, (9) years until i play the next one thats for sure

ok so my story with this series is that i played the first game accidentally completely handicapping my own experience with it because i didnt know you could upgrade your stuff in it and thus made everyone in the ggame into a big dumb hp sponge that wasnt enjoyable to figght and despite my best efforts to try and like this game more ( And, i will say, despite the very prevalent appeals to the male gaze, it CAN be charming ! ) i also took entirely way too long to learn about switching weapons worked functionally, just because despite SEEING the tutorial prompt for weapon switching, i didnt put it together because it takes a bit longer to activate then you'd expect, and thus, never used it. Oops! but yea this game mostly just stands on its own crass nature and in that respect its both very self aware and self indulgent. if you like that kind of vibe youll enjoy the game and its style or be mostly indifferent/uncomfortable with it . Shrug! shinobu is pretty cool. u get to play her after the events of the first game and its neat.

one thing i like about this games like direction is that its very well established that nobody in this game is a good person like even remotely and in that aspect it does get to explore cool stuff i can appreciate. i like that much. i tthink my favorite boss conceptually is the big robot you fight at one point in the battle royale segment. but id mostly consider this game as kind of a gimmick. i can see elements in there that'd make it a classic to a certain brained kind of person, but it doesnt appeal to me. i did wanna try and i did get at least to the very end until the final boss, at least. people say thats one of the worst final bosses in video games period and i gotta say they didnt lie shit doesnt really work

i got endeared by this sign , so i took a screenshot of it . i also like the crickets in the bug minigame.

pretty good though the games just kind of middle of the road for me overall. i didnt hate it enough to not completely finish it and as of typing this and as is its only 3/9 , so i might still truck through the final battle of this game, but, i wont really guarentee or force myself after 3 hours straight of it ----- ok nevermind literally the next day first thing when i woke up i first tried the guy lol games charming its just very peculiar

get fucked idiot SUPER MARIO BROS DELUXE

I technically started this last month but this is the month where i actually sat down and finished it just because MAR 10 ran around so like. might as well fish out some random mario sidescroller to play next also. its short and ive heard some ssay its like definitive mario 1 but the way mario's speed + the screen crunch make it kinda sloppy in a way. limitations of a gameboy color i know but i guess as a standalone way of playing mario 1 its not like. the worst in the world . ive never actually finished mario 1 before on my own so this is a new experience for me !

if you think the 3ds being retro in the modern day is extra fucked up, consider the fact that this version of mario 1 came out 14 years after the original....!!!! if you think the ds being retro in the modern day is extra fucked up, consider the fact that this version of mario 1 came out 14 years after the original....!!!!

Dōbutsu no Mori ( The Animal Crossing Anime Movie ) < Ough-est main character >

Watched this one again for the second time in a discord movie night! A very sweet and nice little movie with very very very cute characterrs. i see the able sisters on the screen and i clap

whats wrong with her

shes like a frog anyway the movies cute and theres aliens at the end. id describe it as a very loving adaptation of an animal crossing player's imagined version of events going on in an animal crossing gamecube-era town. though the biggest thing of all that endears me is AI i think theyre so silly looking

Pictured : Another Silly Subject KERO BLASTER

another game ive played many times before, but, considering my recent cave story fix, i felt drawn to playing it again. i still think its a cute and extremely solid sidescroller game..aaaa ithink everyone should give it a try if thats ur kind of game. also theres lots of very good video game enemies in this

very simple but effective art direction theres like a very nice feeling of atmosphere to it ( cool game ) idk what else to say ive playedd this game like five times before and this is a media diary for documenting new feelings and thoughts and not for like full on game reviews, i think. < Mid-Month Side Note >

i still havent completed this game's story mode to this day, but, recently, cus' the efforts of the team 0% team ( group of crazy freaks with the sole goal of making sure every mario maker 1 / 2 level gets cleared ) ive been driven to try and finish my super world recently. i might feel like showing off the levels ive made at the end of the week,as well, but it's honestly really satisfying, even if i know that the userbase for this game's comparitively shrunk since launch. idk! its fun to make mario levels. i think its satisfying and ill do it even if nobody plays them. also apparently i forgot to turn off my nso subscription so thats why im extra driven to upload lots of levels while i have it. I still hate how NSO is a paid service attached to online. it just kind of paywalls large swaths of games that don't need it and it's just dumb, evil, corporate greed. Ugh! That's the price of gaming in the modern era, i guess....

PETAL CRASH < Thank you, Bison...! >

game i've only played very recently, and arguably, doesnt fall under regular completion criteria, as it's mostly meant to be played on a whim in short bursts ( it does have a short story mode, though, plus a bunch of challenges i haven't played yet..! ) ( I might not be smart enough, for those... ) , but that doesnt really matter! This game is absurdly , amazingly, adorably adorable! !! !

Look at these things!

Ouuu!

Fairy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aside from having an adorable fairy character that appeals to every aestetic i love, its also a decently digestable GBC styled puzzle game ! thats really fun!! and ive been playing it on steam deck, where, i think, it really shines!! the character design in it is really good!

i've yet to master it , as it's pretty fast paced, but its essentially a match game that bumps stuff togetheer good with cute characters like puyo. i havent interacted with that series before but i have played kirbys avalanche and star stacker and this is pretty fun like those. if you like those games you'll like this.

Thanks to my BF for buying this game for me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Record of Lodoss War: Deedlit in Wonder Labyrinth < most symphony of the night award >

the docism is kind of demeaning but this game is really solid i finished it just now in 6 hours ( 3/21 ) ( Wait, those numbers add up to 6! wow! ) i think this games strongest suit is how drop dead gorgeous the sprite art is . like . holy shit there are giant gorgeously animated ps1 quality era crisp pixel perfect sprites just everywhere

the picture quality google images gave me doesnt do it justice but there are just like these fantastically rendered fantasy sprites wherever you wanna look for it and it just reminds me how awesome the ladybug developer team is. i think in terms of indie studios ive gotten attached to this is definitely like a dev i eagerly cant wait to see what they do next in the metroidvania sphere. like. considering the source material the actual designs dont stray too far from like what " conventional " fantasy looks like,( A little basic ) , they still kept my attention just from the number of moving parts and shit. and like. mechanically this game is actually pretty neat. they make you juggle a whole lot of projectiles on screen, but it becomes pretty managable when you learn how the two-prong element system works to be pretty engaging ( It reminds me alot of cave story's weapon system, actually! ) ( really cool! ) https://clan.cloudflare.steamstatic.com/images//36872249/d5f18e9ecfb93d0547f6ccf894cd2e0bab2d12c1.gif WHAT???? tumblr posts have a 20 image limit! What! i didnt know about this! i think websites should let u post as many cool images as you want. i should make a neocities for these at some point if i keep doing them...... regardless i think this game is awesome even if the story is kind of like throwaway ( saying this as someone who hasnt engaged with the source material yet, which there apparently is, so maybe thats not a fair thought. on the games steam community page though i saw a gif of the main character in an anime adaption wiggle her ears around with a silly face, so maybe it'd appeal to me if i look into it? Huh. ----- PART TWO WILL BE POSTED SOME TIME IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS FROM THE EMBEDDING ISSUE -------------------

[millimononym]

its friday the 13th! in october! and its also cringetober day 13: creepypasta

creepypastas used to scare the shit out of me when i was a kid and the funny thing is i didnt even watch any actual scary content with them it was always the fandomized anime twinks living in a mansion kind of creepypasta vids. also because for some reason the kids magazine i used to read in the "answering questions" part one day answered some kids question abt who jeff the killer was. i dont remember if they said it was just a story or if they spread it as like an urban legend which creepypastas were supposed to be but it still scared the shit out of me regardless. why would you answer a question about a scary story with graphic murders (i distinctly remember them putting his murder methods in there) in a kids magazine?? and i remember they stole someones art of him and it wasnt even scary it was literally just anime jeff standing over the viewer but like reading that scared me sooo bad whenever i went out at night i always thought id get jeff the killed by jeff the killer or any other creepypasta. but yknow that was an important experience kids gotta learn fear somehow. hear a good(or bad) scary story every now and then. get terrified by someones edgy OP oc that got popular. i think i also spread this by putting the fear of slenderman in some younger kids i knew so lol

[goremet-chef]

guhh im so bothered rnn (vent/rant)

so... i? idk. ive been out as trans in my house since 2020. my mom doesnt call me dom (sometimes she does if my sibling encourages her to, but she defaults back to my deadname anyways) and ive learned to accept it. i dont think she ever will and its sad for me, the reality that once i start my transition, ill need to just.. leave a lot of my family behind. they think its some rebellious choice like i hate all of them but im more worried about them hating me

my mom says shes supportive but is actively right wing, shes having an inner battle with her ideologies, i know that. i can tell by how she talks about homeless people vs how she talks about us being queer

so. whatever. thats my mom i guess. but for a long time, i wasnt out to my moms husband. i despise him and ive never intentionally started a conversation with him, let alone come out. ive started to not care about what he thinks. i know what he thinks, he thinks gays should die, said it straight to my gay siblings face. okay, cool. doesnt concern me, moms bf is absolutely fucking nothing to me.

to remedy this sort of like... we didnt wanna DEAL with what he might say if he heard both my siblings calling me dom, cuz both of them do, so whenever theyre around they would just refer to my deadname, but i saw it made them cringe, so now everyone calls me 'that one child'

that one, other one, etc etc

no one even calls me my name anymore

it makes me feel so hopeless. ive EXPRESSED it makes me upset but my younger sibling doesnt care (the one most guilty of it), because they dont understand why it upsets me, i guess thats enough reason to keep going

its so dehumanizing to be reduced to actually nothing. i ALREADY have heaps and heaps and HEAPS of identity issues. sometimes it gets so bad i start having crazy ass delusions, sometimes im not even present and its a different part of my mind in my body

its hard enough as is!!! now my family wont call me anything at all

it makes me feel less bad about leaving, but i dont think ill ever leave at this rate

need to start T, change my name, get a job, all in that order. starting T seems impossible at this rate. i.. dont know what to do. i cant keep LIVING like this, because im not living at all

i never leave my house because im too ashamed in how i look, i cant BEAR the thought of anyone else perceiving me as female, i cant fucking do it!!! im so tired. my house is like a prison for me, genuinely.

and my family dont get it, obviously. they think its my choice, im some kind of hermit who doesnt care about being outside because i have internet. they are so fucking wrong. i miss going out, i miss being around people, i miss existing like everyone else, but i just cant do it man. not like this

so it becomes a waiting game, when am i gonna bring up starting it? how do i even move forward once i do? what if she says no? id have to do it on my own but i cant.. i cant even order things for myself without freezing like shutting up will get me out of there, i cant fucking do it

she doesnt even know!! we were in the car together and she was like yknow theres people who cant even make a doctors appointment. what losers.

IM losers, would she have said that if she knew? does she know and decided to say it anyways? i dont know, but its just.. everything seems so hopeless at this point. i want to just give up, accept im not gonna be who i truly am, but man i cant stand being any more miserable

it makes me wanna cry, the only time i get to feel myself how i think i should be is either if i draw something fictitious, or if i spend hours in the mirror making sure i look masculine, my mustache is convincing, etc. AND FOR WHAT? literally for fucking WHAT, because i dont leave the house anyways!!!!! dolled up like i have somewhere to be, like my appearance will get me what i want, when im stuck at home! i got nothing to prove to them, they think what they think

its fucking dreadful. im so scared of my life passing me by, and here i am wasting away in my bedroom for the last 3 years. no progress, nothing. at first, i was scared about even starting T because theres a higher risk of heart disease, but. i dont fucking care if it KILLS me. i dont care!!! if it kills me i dont fucking care im not living the life i want to live anyways. the risk of death is worth it at this point, i mean that so seriously

idk. im just tired, is all. i wish everyone could perceive me the way i dream they would. only time that happens is online, or when im not with my family at all and instead with my friends. but we only hang out like. once in a blue moon

and yknow what? im not even safe then. i remember we were at my friends house for halloween last year (we always meet up). i had my full leatherface costume one, my face was touched up to make it look like the mask. and still. dressed that way, when my friends mom asked me what my name was, i said dom and she was immediately like. "oh, dominique?" no. my name is fucking DOMINIC.

i didnt say anything besides correcting her, but it was such a blow, man. the only time ill be happy is if im closely monitoring every single thing i do, to make sure i dont appear feminine at all. no matter how i look, now matter how deep my voice is. miserable. why would anyone think that id choose this

[yveltalreal]

for both: how do you feel about family

Yveltal: It's all I know, isn't it? Ever since the beginning, it was Xerneas, Me, and Zygarde. Of course, there was a beginning before that. There were other legends before that, but I Palkia, Dialga, and Giratina... they aren't siblings. They existed long before us. Same with Arceus. Especially true for Arceus. I need to have family because if I don't have one, if someone cannot look at me and go "That's Yveltal, they're like family to me" then what am I? What am I except the hurt? I need to be the love as well, don't I? I love them both. I love them a lot, and I love the others too. Maybe it was a mistake to love them like friends and children, rather than axes and hammers. To treat them as family rather than tools. Who knows. I am nothing without them. I miss them. I miss Zygarde, even if they hurt us. Maple: i think its complicated. i love my parents. they arent the best. they sucked. they were busy. but i love them. they learned. theyre trying better. they love me. its whatever. my mom especially though. i remember talking to her. she didnt want to be him. she didnt want to be her either, so she ran. she thought that if she wasnt there maybe her love wouldnt be so strong that it hurt. thats what she told me. word for word. i get it. i love a lot too. it took her a lot longer. it took her so much longer to not be afraid. she was always afraid that if she looked at me too hard that id snap. that her hands werent made for holding a child. she didnt want me. she didnt treat me like she wanted me. i mean she wasnt cruel but she just wasnt there. it took almost losing her to realize everything. for her to be there. i love her. i love her a lot. i love them all. but i dont know. sometimes at night, i wonder if they really do care, or if its the bare minimum. i wonder how long that would have gone on, a child alone in a house filled with pokemon until the end of time if grandma didnt find us.

and my brother. i love my new brother. im glad hes never going to experiance what i did. but hes so small and scared. just like my mother. but unlike her i am built for hurting. a whole body staying alive because of the stolen life of others. hes so small. hes so fragile. when i look at him i know what my mom felt and i know she felt it worse. its fine. im not his parent. im his sibling and by arc am i going to be a good one.

and outside of them. outside of blood. where does it begin and end. aspen and jaime? im married to them. we're legally family. and i love them like that. and tori shes my sister and law now but she was kinda like family too. and estelle. family friends is just family to my family, sometimes, and shes a family friend. my grandma wants her to call her grandma as well. shes like a cousin. even if i cant remember when we knew eachother when we were little well i remember knowing her now. at least a little. tami is like my mom, even if shes an absol. same with most of my moms pokemon actually. one of the few things i can remember as a kid is them all gathering around as solar taught them how a first aid kit worked. it was so interesting watching a beeheeyem try to explain things to the others even if i couldnt understand that the bad scrape i had stopped hurting. and pickle. shes been here forever. well not forever. but shes been with me for like over 10 years. what is she? a sister? idk. shes my partner. shes my starter. and heph is also kinda like family even if ive had her for less than a year and theres dash and theres bibi and glacier and little and. storm. im rambling. i love them. theyre family too. i love them a lot.

anyways family is a choice, but sometimes youre obligated to make a certain choice, i think.

[relaxxattack]

prefacing for maxs followers who dont know who i am but stating this as like. autistic queer person. who also has a lot of other things going on in the brain. i think a lot of autistic n adhd n queer ppl (ESP white auti adhd queer ppl) need to remember that likeee. not everything we relate to . is necessarily an us exclusive experience. and sometimes the thing being judged as 'bad autism rep' or whatever wasnt really.. a character being autistic . not every character whose an outcast or blunt or has problems in social scenarios or behavioral problems is queer or autistic or has adhd and judging a character off of whether theyre good rep for those groups often comes off as. ignorant of experiences outside of autism and queerness n adhd. not to say you cant relate to characters meant to rep a different experience, just that you need to acknowledge that experience and treat it as just as needing of rep as you.

n like it shows up in like. perception of mituna. or isabela from encanto. and ive heard abt white autistic ppl seeing a black character avoiding eye contact w white people as an autism thing. and its like. fuck man not every outcast is autistic or queer or has adhd. brain damage from head trauma is a very real thing and maybe mituna Could be autistic but he isnt bad autism rep just because you (general you) dont want to think about how neurodivergent includes people with head trauma or other disabilities that may cause increased vulgarity and mood swings. isabela Could be a lesbian but that doesnt mean ppl shouldnt also consider how her story isnt like. a lesbian story just because she doesnt like the man shes supposed to get married to its abt how young women get married off n how common it can be in family oriented cultures. avoiding eye contact isnt inherently an autism thing esp when youre a poc and any little thing could be taken as a sign of aggression esp if youre black

n like i get it. when youre queer/autistic/adhd its hard not to try and grab for every little piece of representation you can get. god knows i always take a chance to hc a character i like as a lesbian. ive always been prone to making white characters black. even if a character is clearly nt i will project onto them anyways. but i think the sorts of ppl who will complain abt mituna being bad autism rep often miss the fact that like.

if your projection and desperate need to see and find people like you. gets in the way of showing proper respect to people who Arent like you but face similar issues. then you might need to take a step back and think 'fuck am i overstepping? am i ignoring others need for representation in media in my own pursuit of rep?' . yknow? i think a lot of ppl would have an easier time respecting and learning about other cultures and experiences if they just like. sat down for a bit and thought about the world outside of their own bubble. bc sometimes there gets to a point where it feels like the overall communities i mentioned care more about being listened to than they care about having an actual conversation. and all media really is a conversation. if that makes sense . ok im done now i just have a lot of thoughts abt this.hi max -🎭🎪

yeah this is all pretty interesting and fair actually and tbh id never heard of some of that stuff since im not in that fandom but its an interesting look at this concept

[arolesbianism]

Horrible realization that if I go through with recollecting all the oni logs then I'll have to actually find out how to get "a seed is planted" like for realsies this time. Maybe I should just cheat them all in actually. <3.

[sunhowler]

hey man. also facing thousands of dollars worth of dental work due to poor care here. i literally lost one of my incisors. if you think posts reassuring people its ok they have trouble taking care of their teeth are "anti recovery" youre straight up stupid like i dont know what to tell you. nothing in the world helped me get better at taking care of my teeth than learning i wasnt alone. i thought for a long time that nobody in the fucking world was as bad at dental hygiene as i was because nobody talked about it!!!! nobody felt like saying anything other than "brush your teeth"!!! in my early teens i completely broke my tooth brushing habits because i fell into the worst depression id ever been in and i thought i wouldnt live long enough for my teeth to matter. i spent so long not taking care of my teeth At All. i went months without brushing them at a time. and never in my life until like a year ago had anyone ever told me that i wasnt alone. i lived in so much shame thinking i was repulsive (id have people ask me to my face what was wrong with my teeth before) and beyond repair so why even Try. but learning that there were other people who struggled just as badly as me motivated me to get better like nothing else. i didnt know i didnt have to be ashamed. i didnt know that my existence wasnt unilaterally disgusting to every other human being on the planet. i didnt know i was allowed to talk about it, much less that i was allowed to talk about it without adding a billion qualifiers about how you should brush your teeth actually.

i just. like. the problem isnt that we dont know we're supposed to brush our teeth. the problem isn't that we think it doesn't matter (like trust me op i think everyone else whos dealing with dental hygiene difficulties is also facing the consequences). the problem is that dental hygiene is so cloaked in shame and guilt and it feels impossible to talk about without judgement. this honestly reads like calling posts about self harm "anti recovery" because they didnt attach a psa about how its bad to cut yourself actually and you shouldnt do it. We Know That. and if all we get in response to our suffering is "here are the things you should do to not suffer" with no reassurance or emotional outreach then very fucking little is going to change. nobody with difficulty brushing their teeth is going to be helped by a tumblr post saying "brush your teeth". they already hear that from everyone else constantly and its obviously not fucking working. if posts offering emotional support and solidarity didnt help you then im sorry and that sucks but it doesnt mean those posts are anti recovery as a whole and its fucking insulting that you believe that to be honest

[samlike-but-cooler]

i bought my first suit today

i bought it from goodwill. at 20 years old- 2 years a man, i had never needed one before. figured i didnt need anything special.

i never usually wore suits, usually to work i wore a plain polo and jeans. when i rarely did go out outside of work, it was some mix of punky grungey aesthetics.

but i needed a suit.

it was some family members funeral tomorrow. it didnt really matter to me. he was loved but old, it was his time to go. theyll bury him in his work clothes. but i need a suit

we went to goodwill. it was hard to find my size. my dad tried to help but he didnt know how to account for my hips or my chest.

he was more interested in getting my little brothers suit anyways,

but it really didnt matter to me.

i found a suit. a brown jacket and pants that didnt quite match, an old shirt with stripes, and a plain green tie. i didnt know how to tie a tie.

when i got home i was hesitant to try it on. i changed to my sweats and t shirt and forgot about it. my brother was just so excited to try his on, i figured id try mine aswell.

i tied my tie onto my shirt beforehand, hoping it would make it easier later on. i learned to tie my own tie. it took me four tries and three different tutorials because i wasnt quite getting it right. my brother got it on his first try because my dad showed him.

it really didnt matter to me.

as for the actual suit, it was hard to put on. the pants were too tight and the jacket was too big on the arms but too small on the torso. the shoulders fit right, though. that was nice.

i went to show my mom, she didn't really care. she was more focused on helping my brother fit into his.

i didnt let it matter to me.

my dad saw my suit. "hope youre trying to breathe in that, unbutton it." i thought suits were supposed to be buttoned. i unbuttoned it anyways, it looked better. it definitely felt better. he didnt say anything. i slipped away, trying to take it off. i was done with it for tonight.

my dad called me back. i went back to the livingroom. he was holding one of his suit jackets. "try this one on." it was gray and a bad texture but i tried it anyway. it was far too big. sure- i could have buttoned it, but you could barely see my fingers through my sleeves. my dad laughed and said something about it being big, but i didnt hear it.

i didnt really care about the joke.

but the fact that he tried to lend me his jacket

that really mattered to me.

[petewentzisblack1312]

hi i wanted to ask something but also share something personal as well. my q is: do you feel like your relationship w social media has changed? meaning, do you catch / notice when you are on it for too long and you start to notice, and then you say: okay let's take a break. for me, i have been online for a long time ever since i was a kid, and now my relationship to it is i only limit myself an hour to being on my phone. as an adult now i am no longer social media "obsessed". like, when i am in school i am not thinking about online, i am present when im at school. i feel like i am really close to just deleting sm tbh. it does not grant me happiness like it used to. now as an adult i feel this need to live my life freely.

i also wanted to ask what are ur thoughts on content influencers? to me when i see these ppl i think...i could never post about everything about my life, but then again understanding that it is just a highlight reel. no one is posting every sad / frustrating thing that happens in their life as influencer, only the "great" parts.

this is an interesting question! i think ive never really had a relationship to social media where i feel like i need to post constantly or felt pressured to share everything. while im definitely the most online out of my household, compared to a lot of other people im not really very present online. i dont like using twitter, i only really use instagram to look at and post art and occasionally post a picture of my cat or nature or food on my main account, i dont really get up to much and i never use facebook unless i have to. i hate it. even here on tumblr i dont post a lot about my personal life unprompted, and this is the social media site i use the most by far. i do scroll tumblr a lot, i do watch a lot of youtube videos (though almost exclusively video essays on politics and recently also artist vlogs) and i do notice myself scrolling a bit too much, particularly when im overstimulated but instead of doing something less stimulating im anxious and looking for a distraction so i like. scroll harder. but ive never been like doing something else and thought 'man, i wish i was scrolling right now'. i dont really know. i do have trouble putting my phone down, like when i need to sleep, but i have trouble putting ANYTHING down. games, books, art or writing or projects im working on, music im listening to, i dont think tumblr is special, its just another activity for me to be distracted by.

all that being said, i did leave social media for a while. i had a really bad experience in a fandom on tumblr (not the pwams incident. that led me to step away from bandom and move to another fandom) and honestly it made me realise that the problem i had with social media wasnt that i was using it too much, but that i had a toxic relationship with the communities i was interacting with on there. the nature of my relationship to social media was unhealthy, not the fact that i had one that was a large part of my life. i think when i wasnt using any social media i actually wasnt in a great place either, because i was isolated from people id cared about, especially since i had just undergone a very traumatic incident, and because of that became very isolated from my in person friends as well, even before the pandemic pushed me away from even the acquaintances i had made. i was worried about coming back to tumblr, but i think ive grown and learned in such a way that i know how i like to comport myself in cyberspaces, and that its been good for me in a way. which is weird, but. i think id kind of have to go in depth about my life and how the pandemic affected me and the specific nature of coming of age in st lucia and stuff. which i dont want to do haha.

as for influencers. i hate the concept. i understand it, and i dont universally hate influencers as a whole, but like. theres this specific kind of content creator where the thing they are sharing is just their life and there isnt like a specific thing theyre logging, like an artist sharing their creative process and how they manage their life around that, or a chef sharing recipes, and its not like theyre doing it just to do it, they have the goal of growing a following, and theyre not advertising anything but themself, like JUST themself, as a person-brand, and i find that so deeply annoying and repulsive. and like thats strong wording its a dog eat dog world and the girlies of all genders need to secure the bag like i get it. i get it. but its revolting to me. like. the vlogbrothers werent trying to get famous they were using youtube to communicate with each other and as an open video diary and people found them to be interesting personalities to watch. right. do you get it. annoyingly i gotta put myself out there if i want people to find my art and pins and stuff so i have to fuckin. make videos. sell people on me. the idea of making vlogs makes me dry heave bc im not important i dont want to have to sell myself like im important i dont want to put my face on a camera and implicitly say with every quirky performed statement i make 'i matter, pay attention to me, i need to exist so look at me' but unfortunately i might have to. a video essay i could do. thats me saying something. but a vlog? with the goal of people finding my stuff? good god. it sounds like poison.