#but i just feel very strongly about this playlist so

[columbiastapshoes]

good morning twin peaks fandom. i have a dale cooper take that may get hyped up or may get me killed. but i think he is the guy in an 80s music video who is in a suit and surrounded by beautiful women but is not paying attention to them and is just dancing weirdly. so,

enjoy if possible <33

[hottiesforhockey]

ho, ho, hoe ⎜m.barzal

🎄pairings: mat barzal x afab!reader 🎄genre: romance ⎜christmas special ⎜smut ⎜friends to lovers⎜ 🎄warnings: mat is in love and not great at hiding it ⎜alcohol consumption ⎜ drunk sex ⎜missionary ⎜p in v⎜pretty vanilla overall ⎜ marking/hickeys⎜ just a dude in love ⎜awkward love confessions ⎜very minimal smut tbh ⎜ 🎄synopsis: an accidental christmas hook up, becomes so much more when your hoe of a best friend catches feelings. 🎄word count: 5.2k 🎄authors note:  this is my first of several christmas fics - there will not be a part 2 but I hope you all enjoy!! christmas fic list

(unedited)

“Come on, you promised,” Mat said, his voice teasing as he nudged you out of the car. “It’s one party. You’ll survive.”

You glared at him, tightening your coat against the icy December air. “You ambushed me. I never said yes.”

“Details.” His smirk deepened, and you hated how easily it chipped away at your resolve. “Besides, you’ve been sulking at home for two weeks. Consider this an intervention. No one should be this much of a Grinch in December.”

It was impossible to argue with Mat Barzal. You’d learned that years ago. He had a way of wrapping his words in charm and layering them with just enough humour to get his way. It didn’t help that his ridiculous good looks made you forget you were supposed to be mad at him.

Mat was your best friend—the kind of friend who’d been there through every bad breakup, every celebration, every boring Tuesday night when all you needed was a movie marathon and pizza. He was also, as you liked to call him, a professional-grade hoe. Always flirting, always texting someone new, always shamelessly charming his way into trouble.

So, of course, it was Mat who had dragged you to this Christmas party. And of course, he’d conveniently forgotten to mention that the guest list included a suspicious number of his teammates, their dates, and not many people you actually knew.

You tugged your itchy sweater down and shot him a glare. “If this is your idea of a fun Friday night, I’m starting to question our friendship.”

“You’ll thank me later.” He slung an arm over your shoulder, steering you toward the door. “Trust me, you’re gonna have a great time.”

What Mat didn’t say—and wouldn’t dare admit—was that he’d spent weeks working up the nerve to do this. To spend more time with you outside the cozy bubble of friendship. To finally figure out if the feelings he’d been burying for years were one-sided or if maybe, just maybe, you felt the same way.

But Mat was a coward when it came to you. A hoe, sure. But only because it was easier to flirt with strangers than risk what you had.

Inside, the party was in full swing. Twinkling lights strung across the room, the faint scent of pine and cider in the air, and a playlist that was just loud enough to drown out awkward small talk.

Mat stayed close, his hand brushing yours as you made your way through the crowd. He didn’t miss the way you wrinkled your nose at the chaos, and his grin softened. “Alright, Scrooge. Let’s get you a drink.”

You let him pull you toward the kitchen, rolling your eyes. “I don’t know why you’re so insistent on dragging me out like this. Don’t you have ten other girls you could be charming right now?”

His smirk faltered for just a moment, so brief you almost missed it. “Maybe I like spending time with you.”

The words hung between you, light but heavy, before he quickly added, “Besides, no one else would put up with your terrible attitude about Christmas.” You laughed, and Mat felt the tension ease, though the knot in his chest didn’t loosen. 

One day, he thought. 

One day he’d tell you the truth.

The kitchen was quieter than the rest of the party, the hum of conversation and Christmas music muffled by the thick walls. Mat handed you a cup of something that smelled strongly of peppermint schnapps and took a long sip of his own.

“This is terrible,” you said after a cautious taste, wrinkling your nose.

Mat grinned. “It’s festive.”

“It tastes like someone melted a candy cane into rubbing alcohol.”

“Exactly.” He raised his cup in a mock toast. “Happy holidays.”

You clinked cups with him, rolling your eyes. Typical Mat—always the life of the party, always ready with a sarcastic comment or a sly grin to keep you on your toes. You couldn’t help but smile as he leaned back against the counter, his dark hair slightly messy and his cheeks already flushed from the heat of the room.

“So,” he said, tilting his head toward you. “Having fun yet?”

“I’ll let you know when it starts.”

He laughed, the sound warm and familiar, and you couldn’t help but join in. It was easy to relax around Mat, even in a setting where you felt like a complete outsider.

As the night wore on, the two of you lingered in the kitchen, your drinks steadily disappearing. Mat’s stories became a little louder, his laugh a little freer, and you felt yourself loosening up too.

“Remember that time we tried to make cookies in my apartment?” he asked, his voice slightly slurred.

“How could I forget?” You grinned, leaning against the counter beside him. “You set the oven on fire.”

“It wasn’t a fire,” he protested, gesturing with his cup. “It was a… controlled open flame.”

“Your neighbours didn’t think so.”

“Yeah, well, they hated me anyway.” Mat chuckled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “But you stayed. Even when I ruined the cookies.”

“You had alcohol,” you said simply, and he laughed again, shaking his head.

“I mean it,” he said, his voice softening. “You’re always there for me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

The sincerity in his tone caught you off guard, but before you could respond, he downed the rest of his drink and changed the subject.

“Okay, real talk,” he said, setting his empty cup on the counter. “What’s your deal with Christmas? Why do you hate it so much?”

“I don’t hate it,” you said defensively. “I just think it’s… overrated.”

“Overrated?” He looked at you like you’d just insulted his entire family. “You’re breaking my heart over here.”

You laughed, shaking your head. “It’s fine. It’s just not my thing.”

“Maybe you’ve been doing it wrong,” he said, his grin lopsided. “You should let me show you how it’s done.”

“And how’s that?”

“For starters…” He reached over, tugging gently at the sleeve of your overused christmas sweater. “This thing has got to go. You look like a rejected elf.”

“Excuse me?” You stared at him, mock-offended, and he burst out laughing.

“I’m kidding! Mostly.” He leaned closer, his voice dropping slightly. “You’re the only person I know who can make something that ugly look good.”

The comment sent a flutter through your chest, but you brushed it off as just another one of Mat’s usual flirtatious remarks. He was always saying things like that—half-joking, half-serious—and you’d learned not to read too much into them.

Still, as the drinks kept flowing and the night wore on, Mat’s comments started to feel… different. Softer. More pointed.

“You know,” he said at one point, “sometimes I think you don’t see yourself the way everyone else does.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He shrugged, his gaze fixed on his cup. “Just that you’re… you know. Amazing. Like, actually amazing. And you don’t even realise it.”

You laughed nervously, unsure how to respond. “Okay, you’re definitely drunk.”

“Tipsy, maybe,” he admitted, a crooked grin on his face. “But that doesn’t mean I’m wrong.” Before you could press him further, someone burst into the kitchen, dragging Mat into a conversation about hockey and leaving you standing there, your mind buzzing as much from his words as from the alcohol.

As the night wound down, you found yourself back where you started—leaning against the counter, your cup nearly empty, with Mat by your side. The party had thinned out, voices from the living room fading into a low hum. 

He was quieter now, his usual spark mellowed by the weight of the night and whatever thoughts had been lingering behind his lopsided smile.

“You’re staring,” you teased, breaking the silence.

“Am I?” His lips quirked up, but he didn’t look away. “Maybe I’ve just got a lot to think about.”

“You need a brain for that” You hoped your voice sounded steadier than you felt.

He hesitated, his fingers tapping rhythmically against the countertop. “Like how you’re still here,” he said finally. “When you could’ve bailed hours ago. But you didn’t.”

“Maybe I’m a sucker for bad holiday parties,” you joked, but the warmth in his gaze made your chest tighten.

“Or maybe,” he said, stepping just a little closer, “you like spending time with me as much as I like spending time with you.”

It was the kind of thing he’d say all the time, casual and easy, except now there was something behind it. Something that made the air between you feel heavier. Charged.

Maybe it was the alcohol? 

Or maybe it was something you had been feeling all night - a shift. 

“Mat,” you began, but the words caught in your throat when his hand brushed against yours, tentative and testing.

“Tell me to stop,” he murmured, his voice low and serious now. “And I will.”

You didn’t. 

You couldn’t.

 Instead, you closed the space between you, your fingers curling around the front of his shirt to pull him down into a kiss. It wasn’t careful or calculated—just instinct, like you’d been waiting for this moment longer than you cared to admit.

His arms slid around your waist, pulling you closer as the kiss deepened, and for once, the rest of the world didn’t matter. Not the bad music, not the overplayed holiday cheer, not even the fact that anyone could walk in at any second.

“Guess the party’s starting now,” he said breathlessly when you finally broke apart, his forehead resting against yours.

“Shut up,” you muttered, laughing as you pulled him back in.

Mat’s laugh rumbled softly against your lips before his hands shifted at your waist, pulling you even closer. The kiss slowed, turning into something softer, sweeter, but no less intense. His fingers traced light patterns along the curve of your back, and you found yourself melting into his touch, the rest of the room falling away entirely.

When the sound of voices drifted closer—someone coming down the hallway, loud and unsteady—you both broke apart, the spell momentarily shattered. Mat took a step back, his eyes lingering on yours, a sheepish grin playing on his lips.

“Guess we’ve got an audience incoming,” he said, nodding toward the approaching voices.

“Probably shouldn’t give them a show,” you replied, your cheeks burning. Your hands dropping to straighten out your sweater, your cheeks burning a bright red as you turn away from your friend - taking a few sobering breaths. You turn back to Mat slowly, your eyebrows lifting as you find him already staring at your, his cheeks burning as much as yours. 

“I don’t think I’m finished with tonight.” He says slowly - adding, “but I’m definitely done with this party.” His Adams apple bobbing as he watches your mind turn a hundred miles an hour. 

“Oh, well there’s a bar down the street thats usually open late.” You note, Mat’s brows furrowing as he shakes his head. 

“That’s not—,” Mat lets out a soft sigh, his smile soft on his face as he spits out, “I’m trying to ask you to come home with me.” 

The words hung in the air between you, heavy and electric, like a string pulled taut. You blinked, unsure if you’d heard him correctly, or if the adrenaline coursing through your veins was playing tricks on you.

“Home,” you repeated slowly, testing the word on your tongue. Your voice came out softer than you intended, barely audible over the distant thrum of the party.

Mat nodded, his gaze steady but vulnerable, like he was bracing himself for the answer. “Yeah. With me.”

Your heart hammered in your chest, each beat reverberating in your ears. The room around you blurred—the noise, the decorations, the faint smell of spiked cider—and all you could focus on was the way his thumb brushed against his palm, the slight twitch of his jaw as he waited.

This wasn’t like him. Mat, the always-casual, too-cool-to-be-flustered Mat, was standing in front of you looking like his world might tilt depending on your response.

You took a breath, your pulse skipping as you leaned in just enough that your words were for him alone. “Okay,” you whispered, the weight of the decision melting into something exhilarating as you saw his grin break through.

“Yeah?” he asked, voice quieter now, carrying an edge of disbelief, like he couldn’t quite believe his luck.

You nodded, a small smile playing on your lips. “Yeah.”

His hand found yours again, this time with more certainty, fingers lacing through yours as he gave a gentle tug. “Let’s get out of here before someone stops us.”

You followed without hesitation, weaving through the scattered crowd, ignoring the knowing glances and side comments. The cool night air hit your face the moment you stepped outside, sharp and refreshing compared to the stuffy warmth of the party. Mat didn’t let go of your hand, his thumb brushing over your knuckles in a way that sent shivers down your spine.

And as he led you down the street, your hand still in his, you felt something settle in you, a kind of rightness you hadn’t expected and couldn’t deny.

The walk to Mat's place was quiet but charged, every step a wordless conversation. The city hummed around you—car engines purring in the distance, the occasional laughter spilling from a bar’s open door—but it all felt like background noise. The real energy was in the small, subtle touches: the way his fingers tightened around yours when your hands brushed, or the way he glanced at you when he thought you wouldn’t notice.

When you reached his building, Mat paused at the door, his free hand fishing out his keys. He hesitated, looking at you with a crooked smile, his breath visible in the cool air. “Last chance to back out,” he teased, but there was an edge of seriousness in his tone.

You rolled your eyes playfully, though your heart skipped. “Mat, if you don’t open that door in the next five seconds…”

His laugh was soft, barely louder than the jingle of the keys as he unlocked the door. “Alright, alright,” he said, pushing it open and holding it for you. “Come on in.”

The warmth of the lobby hit you immediately, a stark contrast to the chill outside. The building smelled faintly of pine—probably some festive candle someone had left at the front desk—and you followed him to the elevator, the silence between you comfortable now.

Inside the elevator, the closeness felt different. More intimate. The quiet hum of the machinery filled the space, but all you could hear was the sound of your own heartbeat. You caught Mat glancing at you out of the corner of his eye, his lips twitching like he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words. Instead, his thumb resumed its soft pattern against your hand, grounding you.

When the doors slid open, Mat led you down the hallway to his apartment. The tension built with each step, your stomach doing little flips as you reached his door. He unlocked it smoothly, gesturing for you to step inside first.

His place was exactly what you’d imagined—warm, lived-in, and distinctly him. The couch had a throw blanket draped messily over one arm, and a few mismatched mugs were scattered on the coffee table. String lights twinkled softly along the windows, their golden glow casting cozy shadows across the room.

“Sorry about the mess,” he said, scratching the back of his neck as he shut the door behind you.

“It’s not messy,” you replied, taking it all in. It was charming, actually, and it felt... safe. “It’s nice.”

Mat exhaled a laugh, his shoulders relaxing a bit as he stepped closer, the space between you narrowing again. He reached out tentatively, his hand brushing your arm before sliding down to your hand.

“Still sure?” he asked, his voice quieter now, laced with something vulnerable.

You nodded, your fingers curling around his. “Still sure.”

That was all he needed. Mat pulled you in gently, his other hand finding your waist as his lips met yours. This time, there was no hesitation—no second-guessing. It was slower than before, but somehow even more consuming, like he was trying to memorise the feel of you, the way you fit against him.

One of mats hands reach up, tugging slowly on your hair scrunchie pulling it from the bun, letting your hair fall loose, his fingers playing with the strands as he leads you to his bedroom, his mouth never leaving yours as your arms loop around his neck. Mat’s lips make his way down your neck - pressing soft kisses as he tugs on the hem of your sweater, his lips only leaving your skin as he pulls the thick fabric over your head, his eyes immediately dropping down to your bra. 

“I’m about to fucking combust.” Mat groans, the two of you falling onto his mattress, your head buried among the pillows as Mat sits up on his knees, taking in the sight of you as he rips his own soft hoodie over his head, his hands reaching out for the button on your jeans. 

“God, you’re stunning.” Mat coos, as he slides your jeans down your legs, throwing them off to the side as he smoothes his hands down your body, his hands stopping at your knees as he pushes them apart, his body slotting slowly between them as he leans down to reattach his lips to your jaw - sucking harshly against the soft skin, a soft whine escaping you the blood rushing to the surface as an obvious bruise starts to form. 

“Perfect.” He whispers, against your neck as he picks a new spot and sucks again. 

“Mat.” You hiss, as his hand slowly dips in the waistband of your underwear, gently teasing your clit, his teeth skimming the skin on your neck as he pulls away. “If you don’t put your dick in me right now I swear to god.” You continue, your nails digging into his shoulders as he dips an experimental finger inside of you. 

Mat doesn’t need to be told twice as he makes quick work of his own pants, his cock painfully hard as it leaks with premium - his body leaning over your as he rifles through his bed side table. “Wrap it before you tap it.” He jokes, your hands pulling your own underwear down your legs, throwing them off to the side as you take in Mat. 

“Don’t ruin the moment.” You sigh, but your smile betrays your serious tone. You always knew the hockey player had a good body - his fitness levels beyond the average person, but seeing his stone cut figure was about to make you drool - your hands reaching out for him as he rolls the condom on his dick. 

“Tell me if you need me to stop.” He whispers as he crawls back on top of you, his body slipping perfectly between your legs, his lips pressing a soft kiss against your cheek as he lines himself up. His head dropping into the crook of your neck as he pushes in, his movements slow and purposeful as he lets you adjust with each inch. “Is this okay?” He whispers into your hair, his hips moving excruciatingly slow as he pumps himself in and out. 

He smiles as you nod, your lip trapped between your teeth as you let out a soft whimper, his hands placed on either side of your head as his movements speed up a little. “My pretty little pillow princess.” Mat coos, his fingers playing with the ends of your hair as the sound of skin on skin fills the room. 

“Fuck Mat.” You hiss as his pelvis brushes against yours, your cunt clenching around him - his hips stuttering as he lets out a low groan. 

“I’m close.” He hisses, your head nodding in agreement as your nails drag up his back tangling in soft hair, tugging lightly. 

“I need more.” You breath out, Mat eye brows furrowing as he lifts himself up slightly,  lifting a hand off the mattress, his fingers dipping between your body as he teases your clit softly. 

“Shit.” He grunt as you squeeze around him again, his orgasm being pulled from him as he bottoms out inside of you, his fingers still working on your clit until he feels you clench tighter around him, a long whine escaping you as you cum. Mat’s body falls against yours, the two of your breathing heavily as your fingers continue to scrape against his scalp, a please sigh leaving him as his body melts on top of yours. 

“Mat, I need to go to the bathroom.” You mumble, your eyes almost forcing themself closed as the heat radiating from your best friend tries to lull you to sleep. Mat lets out a grunt, lifting himself up just enough to capture your lips with his, his mouth spreading into a wide grin as he rolls off of you, discarding the condom as he lies on his back. 

“There should be your favourite stuff under the counter if you need it.” He says softly, his eyes already closing, “Come back to me quickly.” He adds, his arm thrown over his eye as his breathing evens out. 

You watch him for a few moments before dashing into his bathroom, facing the mirror as you take in your nest of hair and your flushed cheeks. “What the fuck did I do?” You sneer at your reflection, the bright red bruises on your neck sticking out like a sore thumb. You turn on the tap, using the cold water against your face before cleaning yourself up as quickly as possible, your frown deepening as you step out of the bathroom, Mat fast asleep in the bed, his body turned towards the empty space besides him. 

“I’m sorry.” You whisper as you make your way over to the bed, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss against his temple before pulling your clothes back on as escaping your best friends house. 

+

+

Three days passed quickly - your phone constantly dinging with a barrage of messages from Mat. You couldn’t bring yourself to respond. Your phone sat face down on the counter, Mat's unread messages and missed calls an ever-growing weight on your chest. You didn’t know what to say to him. You didn’t know how to face him after what had happened.

Every time you closed your eyes, you could feel his hands on you, his lips against yours. The memory of his soft laugh, the way he had asked you to come back to him—it all made your heart ache. 

You fucked your best friend. 

And then you ditched. 

What if this ruined everything? 

What if he regretted it? 

You finally pick up your phone, glaring down at the messages waiting for you;

Matty ♥️: Hey, just wanted to check in, is everything okay? 

Matty ♥️:  I know this might’ve made things awkward but maybe we should meet up and talk? 

Matty ♥️:  I know you’re reading these, please answer me. 

Matty ♥️:  I miss you. 

Fuck. 

+

+

Mat was - rightfully - going out of his mind.

 He hadn’t heard a word from you—no texts, no calls. You were ignoring him, and it was eating him alive. Every time his phone buzzed, he scrambled for it, only to find some pointless notification or a message from someone who wasn’t you.

He couldn't get the memory of your touch, your laugh, or the way you had whispered that quiet "I'm sorry" as you left his place. That had stuck with him, playing over and over in his head. 

What were you sorry for? 

Leaving? 

Crossing the line between friends? 

Or something more?

Matty ♥️: I miss you. 

His most recent text. He’d sent it hours ago. 

No response. 

Again.

“God, what did I do?” he muttered to himself, running a hand through his hair. You had been his best friend for years. He knew you inside out—or at least, he thought he did. But now, it was like there was this wall between you, and he hated it.

Mat stared at his phone, his leg bouncing with nervous energy. His apartment felt suffocating, every quiet moment filled with the phantom echoes of your laughter or the soft murmur of your voice. He could still see you everywhere—in the hoodie you had borrowed and never returned, in the stupid inside jokes you’d scribbled on his fridge, in the way his couch smelled faintly like your perfume.

The silence was driving him insane.

He stood up abruptly, pacing the length of the room. “Fuck it,” he muttered under his breath, grabbing his jacket off the back of a chair. He didn’t even hesitate as he shoved his keys into his pocket and stepped out the door.

The drive to your place was short but felt agonisingly long. His grip on the steering wheel was tight, his mind racing with every possibility. 

What if you didn’t want to see him? 

What if this was it? 

What if you hated him for what happened?

But he couldn’t sit around wondering anymore. 

He needed to see you, to talk to you, to fix this—whatever this was now.

When he finally pulled up outside your building, the glow of your apartment light felt like both a taunt and a lifeline. He killed the engine and sat there for a moment, his heart pounding so hard he could feel it in his throat.

What was he even going to say? Hey, sorry I ruined everything, but also, I think I might love you? That sounded pathetic, even in his head.

But before he could second-guess himself, he was out of the car and heading toward your door. His knuckles rapped against the wood before he even realised what he was doing.

Inside, you froze. The sound of his knock sent a jolt of electricity through you. You hadn’t expected him to come here—not after how you had ghosted him. Your stomach twisted with guilt and something you couldn’t quite name.

“Hey, it’s me,” his voice came through the door, quieter than you’d ever heard him sound. “I—I know I should’ve waited for you to reach out, but... I can’t. I need to talk to you.” Your heart clenched. Part of you wanted to pretend you weren’t home, to let the silence stretch on. But the other part—the part that missed him so much it hurt—had already pulled you to the door.

You hesitated, your hand hovering over the doorknob. “Mat...” you finally said, your voice barely above a whisper.

“I’ll leave if you want me to,” he said quickly, his words spilling out like a flood. “But please—just tell me what’s going on. I’m going crazy over here.”

You bit your lip, a lump rising in your throat. The wall you’d been trying so hard to build was crumbling, and you didn’t know how to stop it. Slowly, you unlocked the door and opened it, just enough to see him standing there, his expression a mix of hope and heartbreak.

The sight of him made your chest tighten. “Mat...” you said again, your voice trembling.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted out, taking a small step closer. “For whatever I did, for whatever I said that made you leave. But you—you can’t just disappear on me like this. I need to know if we’re okay.”

And there it was. The question you had been avoiding. The answer you weren’t sure you even had.

You looked up at him, your eyes meeting his, and for a moment, everything else fell away.

“Are we?” you asked softly, your voice breaking on the words.

His brow furrowed, his gaze searching yours. “I don’t know,” he admitted, his voice rough with emotion. “But I want us to be.”

And just like that, the ache in your chest spilled over, and the tears you’d been holding back finally came.

Mat’s expression softened immediately at the sight of your tears. His hand twitched like he wanted to reach for you, but he held back, unsure if you’d let him. Instead, he just stood there, the weight of your silence filling the small space between you.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, your voice cracking under the emotion. “I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to...” You trailed off, shaking your head as more tears spilled down your cheeks.

“Hey,” he said softly, stepping closer, his hesitation melting away. “You don’t have to apologise. I just—I’ve been losing my mind not knowing what you’re thinking. If I pushed you too far, if I—”

“It’s not that,” you interrupted, your voice firm despite the tears. “It’s not you, Mat. It’s me. I... what if we made the wrong choice?”

That stopped him. His brows knit together as he studied you, his confusion clear. 

You sucked in a shaky breath, trying to gather your thoughts. “What if we ruined everything? What if things will never go back to how they were before? You’re my best friend, Mat, and I don’t—” Your voice broke again, and you bit your lip hard, willing yourself to keep it together.

His eyes widened slightly, something soft and vulnerable flickering across his face. “You think I don’t feel the same way?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

You stared at him, your heart pounding so loudly you were sure he could hear it. “I don’t know,” you admitted, the words barely audible. “I don’t know what to think. I just know I can’t lose you.”

He let out a breath, running a hand through his hair as his gaze dropped to the floor. “You’re not gonna lose me,” he said finally, his voice steady but thick with emotion. “But, God, you’ve got to stop running away from me. From this.”

“I don’t know how,” you confessed, your voice trembling.

He looked up at you then, his eyes filled with something that made your chest tighten. “Then talk to me.”

Before you could say anything, he closed the distance between you, his hands finding yours with a gentleness that made your breath hitch. He held them tightly, grounding you in the moment.

“I don’t regret what happened,” he said firmly, his eyes locking onto yours. “Not for a second. And if you think for one minute that I’d let that ruin what we have, then you don’t know me as well as you think.”

His words hit you like a wave, crashing over the fear and uncertainty that had been suffocating you. You searched his face, looking for any trace of doubt, but all you found was sincerity.

“I’ve been in love with you for years,” he admitted, his voice soft but unwavering. “But I’m not scared of ruining what we had because what if I want something more?” He pauses taking in a deep breath, “What if I want you?” 

The tears came faster now, but they felt different—lighter, freer. You didn’t know what to say, so you didn’t say anything. Instead, you did the only thing that felt right.

You stepped closer, your hands slipping from his to cup his face, and kissed him.

It wasn’t rushed or frantic like the first time. It was slow and tender, filled with everything you hadn’t been able to put into words.

When you finally pulled back, his forehead rested against yours, both of you breathing hard. “Don’t run away again,” he whispered, his voice shaky, “Please.” 

“I won’t,” you promised, your voice steady this time. “I won’t.”

[obsessedwrhys]

I was wondering if I could request a Leo or/and Donnie x reader. (I don’t know if you do multiple- if you don’t- super sorry! Just do whichever one you feel in the mood to do) where if someone runs a finger through their hair or scratches for scalp they just melt? Like full on limp- very easy to make reader stop overworking themselves, cuddle with them, just get them to sleep, ya know! Hope that makes sense lol!

DISASTER TWINS X TOUCHSTARVED!READER

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 .ᐟ fluff, no angst, reader is gn!! (I didn't know what to name this headcanon 🤷🏻‍♀️)

LEO

You just know being with this man means being constantly showered with affection.

That's why you two are easily the perfect pair.

Everytime you find yourself stressed from your work, he could feel his senses kicking in from a mile away. Before you know it, he's already by your side to provide emotional support.

"Alright alright!! Time to take a break!! Chop chop!!" He'd shoo you out of the chair and drag you to his bed.

He knows how hard your work is, at least he does from the things April has told him. That's why he goes over the top when helping you unwind.

Back massages, feet rubs, and your favourite, head massages. Dude would definitely purchase body oil for you. The way he so delicately runs his hands through your hair while also making sure he applies just enough force for it to be soothing. You couldn't help but hum happily.

Those noises being signs that he's doing things just right!!

Apart from that, if you were to finish your work, he would definitely reward you by buying all your favourite snacks while also cuddling together to watch a show you've been meaning to start.

But if you're too tired. He'd just play your comfort songs as you guys just cuddle to sleep.

He has a ton of playlists that contains your favourite songs.

You could ask him about that one song you don't remember the name to and he'll instantly know which one you were talking about.

He likes to brag about having such a hard working partner to his brothers.

Like pleaseeee you wish you could get lucky like me 🤭

Of course he's not fine with you overworking yourself. That's a huge no no for him.

If you were to object his idea of taking a break, this man will straight up kneel down and rest his head on your lap like a dog desperate for your attention. He wouldn't stop sighing or making sad noises until you've given in.

He knows you like physical touch so if you ever liked, he wouldn't mind keeping you company as you worked, which most of the time resulted in him falling asleep on the table.

He just wants to be apart of it okay!!! You like to tell him he's doing a good job even though he doesn't do much but play with the pencil by trying to balance it on his nose.

100% cutie patootie

DONNIE

Now this man don't play around.

If you tell him you need to get the work done on time then this man will help you make sure it's done on time.

He's extremely helpful, he watches as you work but he won't intervene unless you request for his assistance. That's because he wants you to grow and solve things by yourself.

However if he were to see you start to burn out from frustration, he'd suggest you guys to take a break which he likes to call "Coffee break"

Do not ever say no to coffee break because this man will talk you to tears by justifying about a topic you strongly disagree on.

He'd brew you both a cup of coffee, but if you happen not to be into caffeine then tea will do.

Since he's aware of how you seem to shut off your mind from physical touch, he would cuddle with you as he just scratches your scalp. The way your eyes flutter close makes him smile to himself.

As someone who also struggles with burn outs, he would hate for the same to happen to you. Yeah sure he doesn't take care of himself that well but that doesn't mean he'll let that happen to you!!!

If you are ever too exhausted, he'd offer to wash your hair for you. You know like those things they have at the saloon where you lay down and put your hair in the open sink thingy (im lazy to find the name)? Yeah he'd definitely make one in his lab just for your personal use.

He would 1000% watch tutorials online to give you that sensational experience.

Everytime you guys cuddle to sleep, you would still be a little awake to feel his hands tracing the features on your face. This habit of his pretty much became a routine that you have a harder time of sleeping if he isn't caressing your face.

He likes to reward you with kisses on the forehead everytime you get your work done. But that's not all, he'd always invent something new just for you. He may or may not have caught a sneak peek of your wishlist, and since some of the things you've wished for can be easily made by him. Why not save that money and let him do his magic?

He surprises you each time with the gifts and you are grateful every time.

Cuddles during movie night is a must!! I don’t know why but I just have a feeling this man probably has like a small cinema hidden in his lab.

You guys would always watch any TV series together, like one will not continue on to the next episode without the other there to watch it with them.

His cuddles are the best when you guys are watching romance movies. Especially during a romantic scene. His body would scoot closer to yours without him even realising. His arms around your body tightening slightly as he nuzzles his face a bit onto your skin.

100% supportive bf

[suosgirl]

Party in the USA (the dayger’s going crazy)

Word Count: 15k+

୨ৎ Read me before interacting!

୨ৎ Characters: Hayato Suo, Haruka Sakura, Hajime Umemiya, Kotoha Tachibana, Jo Togame, Ren Kaji, Mitsuki Kiryu, Akihiko Nirei, Choji Tomiyama, Toma Hiragi, Kyotaro Sugishita, Taiga Tsugeura

୨ৎ Warnings: mdni, gn!reader, alcohol (lots of it), alcohol consumption, weed, weed consumption, cigarettes, ooc (most definitely), shitposting, for fun! – if I’ve missed one, I apologize + please let me know!

୨ৎ Note: I feel very well qualified to write about this. I have hands-on experience and feel strongly about this topic. Please feel free to send me an ask regarding any of my references (I have attended many, many daygers.) This is actually so americancore and niche of me – sorry (not sorry). Also! Don’t be fooled, I hate America!

Hajime Umemiya | “Hey! Hi! Are ya hungry?”

The first face you see when you walk in, all in his shirtless glory

An absolute king at grilling – he’s got burgers, hotdogs, skewers, the works

The lettuce and tomatoes? Yeah, he grew them

Will take every chance he has to tell everyone too

Be careful though – for as much as he’s hot, he’s also a yapper

Being behind the grill unlocks a side of him that not many know – his dad side

“There’s a lot at steak… it’s un-grill-ievable!”

Buzzed & responsible – doesn’t let himself get too lit when he’s grilling

But once everyone’s had their fill and he’s got some downtime? Oh he’s inviting everyone to shotgun a beer with him

Can slam down a can in like 3 seconds no joke

Then, he’ll turn to you with stars in his eyes waiting for your words of praise and acknowledgement (how do you tell him that he did it so fast that you didn't see it?)

Toma Hiragi | “Whaddya drinkin’?”

You’re telling me you WOULDN'T trust this man to get the best liquor for the party?

Gonna go out on a limb here and say that he leans toward either Hennessy or Casamigos

Throws back his shots like a fucking champ – no chase needed (he likes the burn of it)

Definitely a heavy weight, so he’s got at least 2 of whatever he’s drinking just in case

Also doesn’t drink chase because of his stomach, so you know – go big or go home

Never lets you pour your own shots (chivalry isn’t dead, everyone)

And … if you ask him nicely … he’ll birdfeed it to you

Ren Kaji | “Chase is over there – you need help getting it?”

With how much candy he has to inhale on a daily basis, it just makes sense that he would be getting the soda, juice, or whatever pairing he thinks goes well with the corresponding liquor

And he definitely went with Hiragi to pick everything up (so cute)

Also in charge of the playlist for the day (I know his music taste is impeccable)

If you tell him this, though, he’d try to be so nonchalant about it (inside his heart is doing little pitter patters)

I feel like he has little shit tendencies and once everyone is feeling good he’ll see how many times he can queue Party In The USA until someone notices (wears his headphone tho bc ofc he would get annoyed)

Akihiko Nirei | “I made it! It’s really good – want a sip?”

JUNGLE! JUICE! PRO!

I just know he’s got the most insane recipe in his notebook (he’s got the exact measurements and brand names too)

Based on countless interviews, many trial runs, and many hangovers –  he’s perfected it to a T

Literally one cup has everyone on a good one – and he’s somehow got it to not taste like alcohol at all?

So proud of it too – if you tell him how good it is he’s got hearts in his eyes and he’s offering to get you another cup (with your consent of course)

Haruka Sakura | “I just grabbed the first one I saw … is it good? Do you like it?”

He’s new to this you know, so he’s keeping it cute and simple and easy

Besides, you can never go wrong with a pack of seltzers

He’s so cute and flustered about it too –

Like imagine him standing in front of the fridges just looking at all of them and getting slowly overwhelmed by all the different types and seeing that they all have different alc % and it’s getting so confusing

He just grabs one that looks decently good or has a name that seems kinda familiar to him and he storms off

And it’s literally like Twisted Tea or White Claws or something

But, as I said, you can never go wrong with a nice basic seltzer

Compliment his choice (even if you know it was made on a whim) and he’ll blush (he blames it on the summer heat)

Hayato Suo | “Do you want me to get your back?”

Sweet, thoughtful king

Brings sunblock and aloe vera gel because he just knows that everyone else will forget the basic necessities

If you need help getting your back, he’s more than happy to offer his services

Also – who would he be if he didn’t bring green tea shots (it’s a given)

He actually created them not many people know that

It’s always the perfect ratio too – never too strong and never too weak (the perfect balance)

Anyways, also a heavyweight (potentially) but gets just a bit touchy when he’s buzzed

So when he offers to reapply sunblock on you despite having done it less than 30 minutes ago, who are you to say no?

Kyotaro Sugishita | “I need a partner … You any good?”

This man absolutely demolishes at beer pong

Never leaves the table actually (and stays undefeated the whole dayger)

He’s so tall like he’s got built-in stats for it already

If Umemiya takes a break from grilling and comes to join him? Oh they’re absolutely wiping everyone

If beer pong was an Olympic sport, Sugashita would’ve already been scouted

Because he’s so good, he doesn’t even need a partner that’s at the same level as him – he just needs a partner

But – to him, making at least one cup is better than nothing, and if you’re able to do just that? Oh, you’re never leaving his side

Mitsuki Kiryu | “You want a hit, cutie?”

It’s actually canon that Kiryu smokes like I just know it in my heart and soul

Loves to make different blends too, some with rose petals and some with lavender 

His blunts are so pretty too, and he’ll use pink wrapping papers

Also has a small bong just in case anyone wants it in that form — and also edibles

And also cigs

He has money, why wouldn’t he show out?

His lighters all have decoden on them too, and they all have his name spelled on it (he was tired of people stealing them)

Also incredibly respectful – brings his own ashtray that he disposes of on his own

I feel like he transitions a lot of people into smoking for the first time (if they’re interested, of course! Would never peer pressure.)

But …. Oh boy… the way that he would gently tilt your head back to blow a hit into your mouth

Kotoha Tachibanau | “I’m gonna get you so wet!”

Give this girl a break she deserves to have fun!

Stays in the pool most of the time, but also loves to soak up the sun so she’s got her own self-care agenda for the day

Loves water guns! Brings like 2 or 3 of them

Also probably brings a book to enjoy by the pool when she’s tanning

Definitely the type to get the ice water from the coolers and spray anyone who tries to come within 5 feet of her

If she feels silly (and buzzed) she’ll pour jungle juice into them and shoot them into people’s mouths

Takes this time to truly relax and unwind (we love a work-life balance!) – and loves doing it beside you

Taiga Tsugeura | “Don’t forget to drink water!”

Absolutely brings cases of water and liquid IV

He’s all for partying, don’t get him wrong, but he’s also got to hit the gym tomorrow so

Makes sure that everyone’s got a bottle of water on them – his virtue is caring too much

Also decently good at beer pong, but his downfall is that he throws the ball too hard and ends up hitting people like 10 feet away from him in the head

Also strikes me as unhinged, so – if you’re cool with getting pulled into the pool, then he’s definitely your guy

Definitely does flips while diving into the pool to try and impress you (it works)

Jo Togame | “Need some help with that?”

What Sakura may lack in seltzers, Togame makes up in beer

If there’s one thing he knows, it’s a good brand of beer

Also clocked in my mind as a heavyweight, so if he’s up to drink, he’s bringing many many cases

Has a bottle opener that has sentimental value to him – probably one that Choji got for him

Can also pop it open with his teeth (but no one ever lets him because it’s bad)

("Sure, okay, whatever squares" — he listens.)

If he sees you struggling to pop the cap off, he’s already grabbing it from your hand and doing it for you – no questions asked

(Ask him while he’s buzzed, and he’ll do it with his teeth, all while staring into your eyes)

Choji Tomiyama | “Let’s take a shot!”

The first thing he does is do a cannonball in the pool (this is so canon)

If you’re a soju lover – he’s got it!

Brings all the flavors too, but is most partial to yogurt-flavored soju

Is flitting all over the party talking to everyone and anyone

(Tries his hand at beer pong – going to go out on a limb here and say that he sucks)

However! He is a heavyweight!

Can hold his own with Umemiya and Togame for sure

Is definitely the one gathering everyone together to take some shots

Will probably ask Kaji to play Shots by LMFAO and Lil Jon every single time (after the first time, Kaji starts ignoring him)

If you’re open to shots, is absolutely pulling you by your arm to take yet another one

[theyluvangel]

SVT - dom, sub, or switch

just a lil thought for now, I might add more later

i got carried away with a few of them

MDNI

S.coups

dom for sure

he'll be hard or soft, slow or quick

everything he does is up to you

he'd rather die than hurt you in an un-pleasurable way

probably has some hard kinks like spanking or bondage

Jeonghan

switch. either a hard dom or bratty sub

whether he's above you or below you, he'll always be teasing you

sometimes you'll have to lay there and take it, other times you have to be the one to fix his attitude

loves dressing up in more feminine clothes for you

loves giving and receiving degradation

Joshua

soft dom

i fully believe this man is a gentleman in and out of the bedroom

loves missionary

i don't really have much to say about him sorry guys

Jun

switch

this man is into softer things

praise giving and receiving

will let you peg him

lowkey has a thing for plushies being involved

probably one of the sweetest members to have sex with

Hoshi

complete 50/50 switch

will let you ruin him one day, then he'll ruin you the next

sometimes you'll both dom and sub in one session

main goal is for neither of you to be able to walk in the end

this man has incredible stamina, he could and would fuck you all day

gets so turned on seeing you on top of him

cowgirl is his favorite position

loud AF he has no shame

Wonwoo

dom but would sub if you asked very nicely

really caring and attentive to your needs

likes to cokwarm while he's gaming

doesn't make a lot of noise, only low groans and moans

is main goal is to fuck you so good you're shaking

likes watching you ride him

always makes sure you cum first

Woozi

switch

sex with him doesn't always have a strong power dynamic

but sometimes if he's tired or if he's super needy he just wants to be taken care of

or sometimes if he had a rough day he'll just come home and ravage you

studio sex at least 2 times a week

MUNCH

i lowkey think he has a high heel kink because he likes when you're taller than him

will get so turned on if you wear red lingerie

DK

switch but leans toward being a pleasure dom

all about you when it comes to sex

tell him what you want and you'll have it

if you want to dom him all the time, he'd love that! if you want him to dom you all the time, that's great!

if you're happy then he's happy

big on praise, giving and receiving

he's a silly guy, so chances are sex is full of giggles

also one of the sweetest to have sex with

Mingyu

so many people write this man as a dom, and I strongly disagree. this man is a sub.

he may look big and intimidating, but he's just a big baby

sure he could fuck you missionary or doggystyle, but you'd still be in charge

loves a mix of praise and degradation

there's a clip of woozi saying mingyu likes being scolded and embarrassed by the members soo....

big baby. golden retriever man all the way

he's so whiny

probably a crier

loves being edged or overstimulated

The8

dom

i think he's the traditional type of man that thinks the main goal of sex is the woman's pleasure

would not even think about letting you do any work

if you aren't already a pillow princess, well you are now

not very loud, but I think hes big on dirty talk

curses in Chinese

also loves bondage

seeing you tied up with pretty silk gets him so turned on

Seungkwan

sub.

this man is a pillow princess

makes jokes the whole time

loves wearing lingerie

VERY vocal

literally so loud

please praise him he deserves it

Vernon

see I can't see sex with Vernon having a strong power dynamic

hes a chill guy, he just goes with the flow

loves cowgirl and reverse cowgirl

he has a sex playlist.

swears so much

buries his head in your neck if he's in a position that allows him to

Dino

switch leaning sub

MOMMY KINK

calls you mama in and outside of the bedroom

could dom you, but why would he do that when he has you to take care of him?

probably doesn't have much experience

needs your reassurance

also needs you to tell him what to do to make you feel good

guided masturbation happens regularly between you two

gets turned on so easily

[marengogo]

Are You Sure?! - #1: A Vampire’s Utopia

Who by Jimin focused playlist 

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

–🐺–🐺–🐺–

Hello my JM & JK Loving Gurls, Bois and Enbys! 

How have we all been since Thursday? 😌 Who’s watched both episodes at least 3 times? 🤡 Who’s gonna keep watching the episodes until Thursday? 💜 Who’s been left marvelling, yet again, about how intricately beautiful human beings are 🙋🏾‍♀️…

Oh! Only me?! 👀.

... Well what can I say? If it weren’t for my undying love for movies I would have definitely chosen a job related to psychology. Now whether I would have turned out to be a help or a menace to society, is anyone’s guess, after all, there is no sense, or point, in speculating things that have no way of presently happening due to decisions made in the past. However, do y'all know what we can speculate on? The present based on actions that actually happened in the past.

I’ve admittedly rewatched both episodes of AYS for the fourth time yesterday for research purposes obviously, and what brings me here is that now very infamous moment there are presently ao3 books being written on this particular moment ? The one when my cutie-patootie twin-flame very concisely summarises his and JM’s “solo/chapter 2 relationship”, up to that point (which to be precise, is the period of time between 14 July 2022: Hobi’s Listening Party and 13 July 2023: AYS in USA… exactly 1 year: DAMN!) as per below:

First time I saw this part, the first thing I did was snort and then I immediately thought: DRAMA QUEEN and trust me, I would know. Oh, and let it be clear, I can only attempt to speculate on my twin-flame, especially in cases like this when I strongly feel that my boi has been … misunderstood. If it weren’t clear enough from the title, this is indeed a JK post you know JM-blood thirsting vampire etc etc etc.

Let's start with the fact that I beleive that JM was simply trying to start a simple bit of banter when he said:

And I would sincerely like to apologise to JM cause, indeed, this simple type of banter would have warranted a just as simple type of reply. Something like what JK eventually ended up saying after he allowed his thoughts to come forth and take the stage, but we will address this in a second:

But no.

You see, homeboi over here seems to be the type to hold on to things and will not let go until he’s cleared things, or situations, in the way he has known and/or perceived them to have happened, which tend to happen a lot when you are a very emotional person, who isn’t necessarily as eloquent. The most important thing to understand here, however, is the fact that whatever topic such people decide to discuss is all according to their most sensible account of facts and perceptions. They don't mean to offend or distort truths, they just ... emote for lack of better words. For example, it is a fact that, during that period, JK & JM were both busy, it is apparently also a fact that JK didn’t call, but according to JM it is not a fact that he himself didn’t call. 

Does that make JK a liar? In my opinion, not only can't I know what actually happened, but in fact, that is absolutely not the point of the case at hand. The way I see it, this is simply how JK has perceived this particular absence in his life, during that particular period. In fact, let’s dive even deeper.

Because of those two sentences, you’d I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT MANY DO ... think that JM and JK actually never met each other during that particular period of time 14 July 2022 - 13 July 2023. Now, I am sure we all remember him sorta/kinda pining on weverse during the period from 3 February 2023 and 14 March 2023, right?:

But let’s quickly look at a timeline of the 14 July 2022: Hobi’s Listening Party and 13 July 2023: AYS in USA period. Below are dates when they definitely met, with other members, that we are aware of. I’ve also inserted his most relevant weverse pinings, and the period of time they were busy at the same time, just for me to have a time reference:

・14 JULY 2022: J-HOPE’S LISTENING PARTY - OT6 (Yoongi was sick)

・1 SEPTEMBER 2022: JUNGKOOK BIRTHDAY - JM waint with Hobi to celebrate his birthday

・15 OCTOBER 2022 - BUSAN CONCERT - OT7

・12 DECEMBER 2022 - JIN’S ENLISTMENT SEND-OFF - OT7 

・most likely FEBRUARY-MARCH 2023 - LIKE CRAZY DANCE PRACTICE - JK went to see JM practice

 3 Feb 2023 - 14 Mar 2023 ——— LIGHT WEVERSE PINING - The above collage period

・25 MARCH 2023 - MEMBERS MEET WITH JIN DURING HIS HOLIDAY - OT7

27 March 2023 ——— HEAVY WEVERSE PINING - JK posting “I miss you”, then watching Suchita and reacting to JM content.

・18 APRIL 2023 - HOBI’S ENLISTMENT SEND-OFF - OT7

April - May ——— both JK & JM are travelling around the world for work and/or pleasure.

・25 JUNE 2023 - D-DAY in SEOUL ‘DAY 2’ - VMINKOOK at Yoongi’s concert 

・13 JULY 2023 - AYS in NYC - JK & JM (and staff) have dinner at ANTOYA 

… If you asked me, it would appear that JK’s issue is actually the fact that they didn’t get a chance to go out alone, just the two of them. Yeah … My twin-flame seems to always have had strong, almost impulsive, reactions when it comes to anything concerning JM, it is actually probably the most vocal he becomes for a non-talkative guy that is.

Can you recall any other member, other than JM, he was ever upset about because he didn’t get to hear their music? Can you think about any other member other than JM, who JK would most likely be spending time rehearsing, eating, doing nothing during band activities? Can you think of any other member other than JM, for whom he’s made a bit more of an effort during birthdays and special dates? Once again ... If you ask me ... JK truly values his time alone with JM, which is why I think his perception felt so fatalistic/dramatic we all know that for example, JM did go to the Golden Listening Party in October ... 

And don’t get me wrong, I definitely don’t believe it to be a one-way affair. Are You Sure?! exist exactly because JM would seem to also appreciate his alone time with JK, be it in front of a camera, in a hotel room, or whreever. After all, they were supposed to only go for one trip, but not only did they magically whip out time to go on two more Jeju and Sapporo, but they are now talking about doing this until they are 50. LOL I’ll be in my 60s but I’ll tune in! . And then, to top it all off … They ended up enlisting together. The way JM wanted to “make a video of their adventures and freedom” before enlistment, you’d think they’d be apart for the following 18 months because of said enlistment 😒.  

It’s actually quite funny if you think about it. Between the two of them JM is most definitely the shiest, but JM is most definitely the better one at expressing himself. Y’all can obviously disagree with me, but from where I stand, my twin-flame is actually smart as hell one day people will finally acknowledge that, but he is not the best with words. I’m sure in JK’s Utopia, the world is a place where people sing to each other in order to communicate, instead of spoken words. Alas, this is not JM-blood thirsting Vampire Utopia, and in the world where we presently live, JK seems to be the type who’s first reaction to stressful situations is finding the funny side of things and when that fails then he needs to do something about it; anything.

Now, as always, everyone is entitled to their opinions, in fact, many have made it very clear that to them JK was feeling “off” in these episodes, but to me, not only he was being his typical weird self, but I also I discovered a few new aspects, for example, when he truly cares about something, his devotion has really no limits. But let me use some images, and some words, to better explain how I perceived JK in these two episodes. Remember how JK once substituted the word Love with Jimin, in a Boy with Luv lyric Jimin nothing stronger? Well I’d like to do the same thing and sub the word Love with JK in the following very famous biblical paragraph and associate specific moments in both episodes to each line:

JK is patient, 

If this is not the testament sequence of a man who’s been waiting to spend time with you, no matter what, then I don’t know what else is.

JK is kind.

He does not envy, he does not boast, he is not proud.  

He does not dishonor others, he is not self-seeking, 

LOL … one day JK will be able to pull a prank on JM; I believe in you.

He is not easily angered, he keeps no record of wrongs.

I shouldn’t have to say this, but ... there are no “wrongs” done between JM & JK, what they do with each other is joke, have accidents and play around - but gotta say this just in case!

Last but not least, though JK was coughing like there was no tomorrow, wouldn’t you think that JM being vehemently sick, would be grounds for the whole show to be cancelled? In fact, we didn’t even know there was going to be a show, so nobody would have missed anything and at some point they could have used the footage in a bangtan-bomb, or during Festa, or something. … The fact that they were willing to keep going and even show us themselves in such a vulnerable state, the fact that because of it JM was so worried and doubting almost everything, and the fact that JK ultimately wasn’t worried and regretted nothing, kinda reinforced for me just how much they truly wanted to be together on that trip at that time it was basically overdue. 

In conclusion, though my Twin-flame’s strongest suit isn’t communication, and his recollection of events may or may not be as accurate due to emotional perception, his heart is ALWAYS in the right place, sturdy, confident and ready to let JK be the best he can be, at all times. I mean, you don’t have to take my word for anything I've just said but below is JK a mere 10 days after they separated from NYC/Connecticut ... look at him ... giddy AF and hella playful if you ask me and once again … weverse pining.

I guess one alone trip wasn’t enough after all 😉.

Always respectfully yours 🫰🏾💜,

Marengo.

[sincerelydorky]

Jily x Reader angst one shot

Authors note: This is my first time attempting to write for James Potter and Lily Evans so please be nice to me :), it came from an idea that I couldn't get out of my head and it hurt my feelings when I went to sleep. so enjoy!

words: 7,000+

James Potter x Lily Evans x Reader

Change is a fickle thing. Sometimes it sneaks up on you- shifting your everyday routine so minutely that you barely notice until everything is different. Other times, it hits you full force and you don’t have time to get your bearings before the entire world has shifted on its axis. Out of the two- it hard to decide what’s worse. You fall under the camp that declares the slow decay of your everyday fabric of life is worse. You would rather be hit with a semi-truck of change than trick yourself into believing that everything is okay. You suppose that you have a valid reason for this. After all- it’s how you found yourself here in the first place. 

Here being, the metaphorical rock bottom that you had heard so much about. When you pictured rock bottom, you pictured a deep dark hole, with walls extending so high that the light at the top was barely a pinprick. You pictured cold, dark, nothingness. You  pictured curling up in bed and withering away listening to the saddest playlist you could find. You didn’t- however- picture rock bottom looking like the home you used to practically share with your two lovers. You didn’t picture it looking like a box of their things from your apartment, sitting on their shiny counter in their bright yellow kitchen. A kitchen that you just cleaned the day before. You didn’t picture rock bottom as looking like a torn brown duffle bag sitting by the door of their apartment. You didn’t picture your own rock bottom as the cat you had all adopted together, winding his way through your feet, purring when you bend down to pet him behind the ears. Although, maybe you should have. Rock bottom is supposed to be the lowest place that you can go- and standing here staring at the life you had and so desperately wanted to keep- seemed like the lowest point you could get to. 

Your chest hurt so much that the air inside seemed to be killing you from the inside out. It might as well have been mustard gas, for as much as you felt able to breathe at the moment. Your blood- which normally pumped so strongly in your veins felt sluggish, like it was simply going to dry up and mummify you. For everything that you now knew about rock bottom- this seemed pretty fitting. And for as much as you now knew about change- you were sure that the way you feel right now, never would. Not after the cat stopped purring and dancing between your legs, to go find his food, and not when you shut the door to their apartment - it was never yours in the first place- for the very last time. You were certain that while the world changed and moved on without you, your feelings for James and Lily would stay the same until you were buried 6 feet under the ground. 

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You weren’t sure what had changed recently- okay that was a lie- that made your relationship start to feel like a chore. Not for you, you were more in love than ever. But you couldn’t stop feeling like a burden or a chore when James and Lily were around you. Everything had been going great for the last year of your relationship, until James proposed. To Lily. Just Lily. And that was fine, honestly it was, you weren’t ready for the kind of commitment that a marriage entailed, especially not right now, but neither were you ready to feel like you were a background character, like they didn’t actually need or want you now. 

Communication is an important part of any relationship, and its even more so when that relationship has more than two people in it. And well, truthfully the three of you had never been great at communication to begin with. It was a large misunderstanding that even led to the confession of feelings and the eventual establishment of your relationship in the first place. 

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“James, please, I just want to go home and forget all about the stupid date and everything that followed, and go to sleep. I’ll see you and Lily soon, yeah?” Your words were coming out in a rush, and the thing was, they were true. You were tired and you did just want to forget about everything, the stupid date, Remus and Sirius’s hurtful behavior, and most of all your complete failure to get over your feelings for the boy currently guiding you and his beautiful girlfriend who was watching from inside. You knew that James had fast reflexes- he played Rugby all through school and was actually trying out for the Chudley Cannons team early next month to go pro- but you weren’t aware JUST how fast they were. It was surprise that you were able to even see his arm it retracted from where it rested on your lower back so quickly. Having slower reflexes than James however, didn’t prevent you from watching in real time as his back stiffened and his hands balled into fists. His eyes were the biggest shock though, no longer were they open and calm, now they were shuttered and cold, like he was actively trying to block you out of his sight, block you out of his thoughts. 

“Forget about the what?” The way he uttered the words were quiet, filled with barely restrained emotion. Emotion you couldn’t identify, that at the current moment, you really didn’t want to. You weren’t lying about the night being a drain on your social battery and seeing James act so un-James like wasn’t helping the bone deep tiredness that you were feeling. Especially not when he was currently waving at Lily to come outside. Not when you noticed that her eyes had the same shutter in place. 

“My date. A coworker set me up with her brother. He was nice enough but-“ but he wasn’t you. He wasn’t Lily. He wasn’t my two best friends who are madly in love with each other and will never look at me like I want them to.  

“I don’t want to hear how “nice” he was,” James all but growled as Lily opened the door and ushered you both down the side of the building to the alley in the back. When everyone was situated to her liking, Lily sidled up to James and gently unraveled his still clenched fists before intertwining their fingers together. There was a clear divide that was happening in the alley, and the teams were not even. It was no longer James and Lily and you. It was now firmly JamesandLily and         you. James took a deep breath and squeezed Lily’s hand before he was able to continue, “Why were you on a date? At our bar, where our friends work?” 

“I didn’t pick the place, and I didn’t think it was a big deal, I told you I wouldn’t be able to make it to movie night because I had other plans. And up until 30 minutes ago I thought that Remus and Sirius were my friends too, but I’ve clearly mistaken their intentions. It won’t happen again.”  The underlying meaning in James’s words were clear enough, at least to you. Remus and Sirius were never your friends, you were merely welcome here as an extension of your, apparently tenuous friendship with James and Lily. A friendship that didn’t appear to be in great standing, if the conversation and clear divide was anything to go by. You weren’t wanted here and that stung more than you would care to admit, especially after the flowery language that James was using earlier to convince you to stay. Especially after the smile that Lily always graced you with whenever you saw one another.

“That is not what I meant and you know it, how could you go on a date with someone else when-“ James’s sentence started off with a gruffness that suggested anger but it quickly devolved when a sudden watery hiccup forced him to stop mid sentence. Lily who had been silent and consoling, rubbing James’s arm with her free hand and giving reassuring squeezes, up until this point decided that it was finally her turn to speak. 

“How could you go on a date with someone else, when you know what we are to each other? Why would you go on a date with someone else, when you know that we’re together? I thought that this meant something to you, I know that we haven’t spoken of exclusivity yet, but with the way things have been going I assumed it was implied.” Her voice was strong despite the clear way the conversation was affecting her. Her eyes were no longer as shuttered as they had been when she joined you both outside, but neither were they as expressive as normal.

Your head was spinning with the new direction that the conversation had turned and despite the stutter in your traitorous heart, you couldn’t help but hope, somewhere deep down, that they meant what you thought they meant. That they wanted this as much as you did, that they wanted you as much as you wanted them. 

“What are you talking about? What are we to each other, what do you mean being exclusive? You’re together and I’m your friend, or I thought that I was until this confusing conversation started 10 minutes ago. Now I’m not sure what’s going on,” Your voice was shaking and so were your hands that you had clasped in front of you. There was no way you could blame it on the cold, not when Jame’s jacket was still draped around your shoulders and sending whiffs of his cologne up to you every time the wind shifted direction the tiniest bit.  

“You aren’t our friend,” James had rejoined the conversation, only to deliver possibly the most gut wrenching statement you’ve heard yet. You aren’t our friend, you aren’t our friend, you aren’t our friend, you aren’t our friend. It was a never ending loop that played in your head, it was so loud and the rushing of the blood in your face was so fierce that you almost didn’t catch the last half of his sentence, “you’re our partner. We love you. I know that we’ve been taking things slow but that doesn’t give you the right to go out with another person and not tell us. It doesn’t give you the right to go out with another person at all. You’re ours” 

The beating of your heart got louder and the tiny kernel of hope that you tucked away began to grow rapidly in size, even as your confusion persisted. A smile broke across your face unbidden and tears began to gather in your eyes without your permission. “I still don’t understand. You and Lily are together, you’ve been together the entire time I’ve know you, you’ve been together for years. I thought that we were just friends.” 

“You thought we were just friends?” A fully belly laugh exploded out of James and it involuntarily drew a giggle from your lips and an equally as soft laugh from Lily. “Allow me to show you just how “friendly” we are, so that you might get a picture of just exactly what we are to each other.” It was with those words that James surged forward, Lily was dragged by James’s hand in her own but she appeared equally as enthusiastic, to stand in your space.

One more breath and suddenly you no longer had to daydream about how soft James’s lips might be, or how he might grab your face as he kissed you (one hand buried in your hair the other firmly tugging you closer by the hip), no longer did you have to imagine how he tasted because you knew. The kiss was short but thorough and soon, you knew how Lily tasted as well, and you knew how she delicately grabbed the side of your face with one hand and snaked her arm around your waist with the other. You can’t imagine ever NOT knowing again. 

Your lips were red and your face was flushed when they pulled away from you partially. One of James hands still rested on your hip while one was wrapped around Lily’s waist pulling her close to his side. Lily’s hand was still lingering on partially on your neck, not willing to let you go, still craving to breath the same air as you breathe. 

“So, this whole time… we were together? You love me, like I love you?” Your voice was soft, and timid but the smile on your face conveyed all of your feelings to them, and the answering smiles on their faces cleared up any misconceptions you had as well. 

“Yes, love. We do. Now can we please talk more about this date that you went on inside?” James’s voice took on an edge when he mentioned the date, but you knew that a longer conversation was needed between all three of you before anything was resolved. You simply nodded your head and took each of their hands before walking back towards the door to the pub. 

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So sure, communication was never your strong suit, but it had been getting better! At least you had thought that it was getting better, until Lily came back from a date night with James- just the two of them, you were swamped with work- and she had a ring on finger. They were engaged. She couldn’t wait to tell you all about how it happened- they went to a nice dinner and afterwards they went to her favorite garden (it was where they had confessed their love the first time) and everything was normal, they were just walking and admiring the flowers and talking and suddenly, he was on his knee and there was ring pulled out and, she of course  said yes!- it was the happiest you had seen her, maybe ever, and it was clear how happy he was as well. 

For your part you were happy for them too, really you were! Would it have been nice to have a little warning before your relationship changed so drastically, yes, BUT its not like your relationship with them was changing at all, you were all still dating. Or well, they were fiancés and you were their girlfriend. Just their girlfriend. And that was fine! Until it wasn’t. 

The few months after the engagement were hectic for everyone. James had made the Chudley Cannons and his training schedule was set in stone and also a little insane. You hardly saw him, he was often gone before you left for work, and he was too exhausted to hang out much when you got back. Lilly was similarly swamped at work with a big deposition that she had coming up, so she was always at the office late and she often went in early. Not to mention she was trying to plan a wedding. A wedding she made clear she didn’t want nor need your help with. 

“It’s okay darling, Marlene has already been through this and she’s going to help me, you just show up and look pretty.” 

It would be a lie to say that it didn’t sting a little bit but you were also busy, it was the last few weeks before finals season so there were always papers to grade and tests to administer and lessons to plan. It wasn’t like you were purposely avoiding each other. When everything settled down, things would go back to normal. 

It wasn’t until after finals season was over and Lily’s deposition was done and James was used to his training schedule that you conceded that maybe everything wouldn’t return to how it was. After all, they were engaged and you were just extra. It started off with small things, date nights consisted of hanging out at home more often.

"Weddings are expensive, it's okay if we don’t go out, right pretty girl? "

At home date nights were always fun before so why should you complain now? It was fine. Then the affection started to lessen, you hadn’t all slept together since before the engagement, and really it wasn’t about the sex at all, but eventually even the passionate kisses turned to kisses on the cheek which turned to a squeeze of the hand which turned to nothing, more often than not. You tried to understand, really you did. It was stressful for Lily to be planning a wedding and while James attempted to help he was also still busy with training and he had recently taken up a side project that he flat out refused to talk to you about. 

"It's nothing for you to worry your pretty little head about. "

He was always tired when he came back from wherever it was he was working on it at.  So yeah, the lack of affection was a little disconcerting but you could be intimate with your lovers in other ways. Like talking. Talking was intimate and you all used to sit around for hours and discuss the future and your dreams and the meaning of life. It was only when talking about everything for hours turned to talking for a few minutes at a time between appointments and work that you started to worry. 

Your worries were only cemented one day when Lily came out of the bedroom in a rush. When you asked what was going on she gave a short 

"Sorry darling, the girls are waiting for me at the bridal shop, I’ll talk to you later! "

She left with a quick kiss to your forehead as you stood there stunned. You didn’t even know she was going to look at dresses today. You know that she’s your lover but you weren’t the one marrying her so to be cut out of one of the most important steps of her wedding, it hurt more than you could describe. 

You loved them both so much, but why did it feel like they didn’t love you anymore? After a brief breakdown in their room you were resolved to give it until after the wedding. Everything would go back to normal when it was over and there wasn’t so much stress placed on your lovers. You knew that they loved you, it was just everyone being busy. That was all. Things leading up to the wedding largely stayed the same, although Lily did invite you to her hen party. A decision that Marlene largely disagreed with. 

"Come on Lils’ there aren’t supposed to be any significant others at the party- even if you aren’t marrying them."

Marlene was a good friend to Lily and James and you got along with her well, but the way she said it hurt your feelings. It sounded like it was a laughable idea to her, to everyone. Like the idea of marriage to you, specifically, was laughable. 

The few weeks after the hen party went well and before you knew it you were sitting in the front row of the venue. You were next to all of the parents all of whom had tears in their eyes. You were also crying, but you imagine that your tears were a bit more complicated then theirs were. Lily looked gorgeous in her vintage wedding dress and James looked as dashing as ever. They were the perfect couple, staring at each other with nothing but love in their eyes and beaming smiles. 

You missed the way that the couple kept trying to catch your eye from under the blooming flowered arch. The ceremony was sweet and simple and the reception was just the opposite. It was full of dancing and laughing and pranks from the boys (because of course). It was the wedding of the century, Lily and Marlene had outdone themselves. And when it was all over, the three of you retired to their house for the night, too tired to do anything but sleep. It was an early wake up call the next morning, James and Lily, The Potters, had invited over the wedding party and the parents for brunch and to watch them open their presents. 

You woke up early the next morning, much earlier than either of them. They looked too peaceful to bother in the morning, and you felt you needed a few minutes to yourself before you would have to put on a face for the guests again. 

“Pretty Girl, you didn’t have to get up so early to start cooking. Let me help.” James who was standing at the counter startled you when he spoke into the quiet room. You were zoned out and over-stirring the already stirred pancake mix in the bowl in front of you. 

“You and Lils’ looked too peaceful to wake up. I know you must be tired after yesterday.”  You looked at him when you replied before turning back to the task at hand.  James was about to reply when Lily walked sleepily into the kitchen, rubbing her eyes. 

“Good morning Mr.Potter, good morning Darling” she spoke when she stepped into James space, who was still leaning against the counter. The smile in her voice could be heard in her tone. 

“Good morning, Mrs.Potter,” James spoke beaming. He reached out and put his hands on her hips, pulling her closer for a quick kiss. 

“It smells delicious in here, but why didn’t you wake us?” Lily questioned, pulling herself away from James to peak into the oven to look at the cinnamon rolls. 

“Apparently we looked too peaceful to disturb” James answered for you, you simply smiled and nodded your head before pouring the batter in the pan. 

“Breakfast should be done soon, I’ll finish up here and you guys can get ready,” you spoke barely looking at them while you focused on the soon to be pancake. You missed the look that James and Lily shared with each other, you had fought the tired tone in your voice, but it was still heard by the two of them. They elected not to say anything, assuming it was from all of the excitement yesterday and instead they thanked you and went into their room to get ready. They were a little worried about you lately, but they didn’t have the proper time to talk to you about it before their guests started to arrive. 

Lily and James were walking out of the bedroom dressed comfily but acceptably by the time you were putting the last pancake on the plate. James swooped by and pressed a kiss to the top of your head, a rare show of affection these days,  as he grabbed the plate and carried it to the table. You went to the bedroom to get ready yourself. Everyone was already in the living room in various groups when you came back out of Lily and James’ room. 

Brunch went fairly quickly, it was filled with jokes and laughter and some tears when a particularly sentimental gift was given or story was brought up. It was clear how much everyone in the room loved each other. It was clear how happy they all were for the newlyweds. Mr. And Mrs. Evans were the last to give their present. Mrs. Evans handed Lily a small rectangular box with a small red bow tied on top of it. 

“Here honey, we know how expensive weddings are and we wanted to make sure that the two of you had a good honeymoon.” Lily pulled out two plane tickets while her mom was still talking. Her eyes met yours across the room where you were sitting by Dorcas, Marlene’s wife. It was clear she was trying to convey some sort of message but you couldn’t imagine what it would be. It was clear to you, that while you knew you were in a relationship with them, her parents didn’t. Or if they did, it was clear that they didn’t approve or understand. It was clear that they knew you were getting ready to exit the relationship almost as instinctually as you knew it yourself. 

“Thanks Mum, thanks Dad.” Lily uttered as she quickly put the tickets back in the box and set it off to the side. She gave them each a hug and you were in autopilot as you stood and began gathering the dishes left on the tables around the room. 

Everyone began to say goodbye shortly after. It was too quiet when it was just the three of you in their apartment and suddenly it was hard for you to breath. You needed to leave and you needed to leave now. Your thoughts were spiraling in your head as you made an excuse about having house work to do at your own apartment. You barely let them get a word in before you were grabbing your bag and leaving the apartment. It left a bitter taste in their mouths when they called their love after you and the only thing that could be heard was the click of the front door in answer. 

You were finally able to feel okay enough to face them the day after you left. You showed up around dinner time and they brought up the honeymoon right away. You insisted that they go, the tickets were for the following day. You would stay and watch after Walter, the cat you had all adopted a few months ago, and you could all hang out when they were back. It wasn’t a big deal at all. 

"Are you sure? We’re more than happy to exchange the tickets, or get you a ticket of your own and we can all go." 

James was the last one to let it go. You told him you were too busy with school to take off right now, and that you needed to be here the last few weeks before finals. He knew how important your job was to you and you knew that he wouldn’t fight you on it after you brought it up. They left the next day. 

They texted you when they landed safely and you responded with an emoji, you hadn’t heard from them for the last day or so- you were sure they were busy exploring and the time difference wasn’t helping the matter. A few days after they left you were sat on the couch, the cat purring in your lap and you were scrolling idly on your phone, a romcom played in the background. Your phone dinged and when you clicked the notification a brilliant picture of James and Lily appeared on your screen.  They were on the beach, looking at the camera and wearing matching smiles, James’s arm was slung around lily’s waist and she was leaning into him, her head on his shoulder and her hand resting high around his bicep, her ring glinting brightly in the sunshine. They looked like they were having the time of their lives. 

Suddenly the walls felt too close, it was like you were suffocating as you practically flung the cat off your lap and across the couch. You were on your feet in the next second. You were walking out of their apartment and driving back to yours before you were even consciously aware what you were doing. You came to as you put the last of their things from your house in a box. 

You had clearly made your choice, and while you would never get tired of loving them, it seemed like they had gotten tired of loving you. It was time to end things. It might have been cowardly but you didn’t have the strength to do it face to face. You made your way back to their house, the box in tow, a short half hour later. It wasn’t long after that, that you were stood at the door of their apartment with the cat twining between your legs and the ratty brown duffle bag filled with your stuff sitting by the door. The box of their things was sitting on the counter where they were sure to find it.

You texted Sirius and asked him to take care of the cat, you told him you weren’t feeling well and that you didn’t want Lily and James to get sick when they came back so you were going to stay at your apartment. Sirius was nosey but the box on the island was nondescript enough that you didn’t feel concerned he would look inside. He wouldn’t understand even if he did. It was just a box full of junk to everyone else. To you it was all of the memories that you had of the two loves of your life. You left your spare key on the hook by the hall closet and shut the door on a chapter of your life you never wanted to end. 

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Greece was beautiful this time of year and Lily and James were having an amazing time. They were determined to find all of the local spots and they ran across a million places that they wanted to return to with you, that they wanted to share with you one day. They had texted you a few times, but the time difference made responses spotty and phone calls almost impossible. They were starting to miss you terribly and after they hadn’t heard from you for two days they were also starting to get worried. They weren’t due back for another day, but they decided to change their flight to the last one out that same day. In a few short hours they would be back with you and they would finally have the time to spend with you that they had been missing in the last several months. Everything would go back to normal. 

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Sirius had graciously agreed to take over your cat watching duties like you knew he would, and he also agreed to let Lily and James know that you didn’t want any visitors due to your illness when he saw them next. Since you had last spoken with him you had been through all the stages of grief but acceptance.

Anger lasted a day and you did nothing but scream into pillows and listen to rage music too loud through your headphones, denial and bargaining saw you leaping through hoops to explain they still loved you and promising yourself that you would love them better and do more when they returned. You could be someone they wanted to keep. Sadness found you while you watched your comfort movie on the tv and didn’t let you go until you had survived a two hour crying jag that ended in a headache and a long nap. 

Acceptance was the one stage that you weren’t able to get yourself to yet. It was too painful for you to think about it being the end, even though you were the one that effectively ended it. You simply chose not to think instead. You slept whenever you could -which was most of the day, you were exhausted-, you didn’t have an appetite and when you put something on the tv or read a book it mostly ended in you crying some more, it was so unfair that others could find love but you couldn’t keep yours. So your new favorite pastime was laying on your couch -you’ve been avoiding the bedroom, it still smelt like Lily’s perfume from the last time she was over- and staring out the window dissociating from reality. You were sure at this point you were the poster child for a deodorant commercial but you couldn’t be bothered to care, no one was coming by to see you anyway. All of the friends that you had made in the city were also Lily and James friends and you knew in the effective divorce that they were not going to choose you. It was another hard pill that you were trying to swallow amongst everything else. Really you just wanted to go back to sleep, so you did. 

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James and Lily were exhausted when they got back to their apartment, they were decidedly less tired when Sirius greeted them on the couch instead of you. He had explained to them that you weren’t feeling well and asked him to take over. James could tell that there was more to the story than his best friend was letting on though, and he waited impatiently for Sirius to tell him. A cryptic “check your kitchen” was all that he told James before grabbing his things and walking across the hall to his own apartment which he shared with Remus. James didn’t need to go look in the kitchen because as soon as the words were out of his mouth Lily was gone to investigate herself. 

She came back holding a box with tears in her eyes. James didn’t need to ask to know what was in the box, he’s experienced this scene before. His eyes began darting around the apartment looking for any piece of you that proved you were still with them. It wasn’t until he saw your empty space in the closet that he began to cry himself. You had effectively attempted to erase yourself from their lives while they weren’t there to stop you. He was on his knees with Lily holding his head to her stomach before he even really realized what was going on. They stayed like that for quiet some time before, almost in unison, they pulled away from each other and wiped their tears. 

They would have to do something and they would have to do it soon. Like now. They were at your house a half hour later. 

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You were still laying on your couch when you heard the knock, you weren’t sure how long you had been there or even really what day it was. You were sure though, that Lily and James weren’t in the country yet, you would feel them somehow. The person on the other side of the door knocked louder and more insistently while you were dragging yourself to the door. You were prepared for one of you neighbors to yell at you for your mail being in the wrong box again, like it was somehow your fault. You weren’t however prepared to see Lily and James standing at your door, James’s arm was up in the air mid knock still. 

So much for your psyche telling you when they were home.

You suddenly cursed yourself for not using your peephole or looking at your phone to check their location when you had the chance. Now there was only one thing you could do. 

You slammed the door shut. You had only made it a few steps before you were suddenly on the floor in the fetal position, your heart hurt and you could feel it but the only thing you could comprehend was the dust bunnies that were under your couch. When was the last time you had swept under here? Or swept anywhere in your apartment?

You came to when you felt a small hand rubbing circles into your back. You could tell you were crying, you couldn’t feel the tears but your body was shaking and lily was whispering in your ear. 

“I know, I know, shhhh, shhhh, its okay, I got you, you’re okay.” 

Nothing felt okay. Even when she was this close to you it still felt like you were on your own, like you would look and suddenly she would be gone. James joined you both on the ground a few moments later, his hand now just resting with Lily’s on your back. 

They smelt like a plane and their clothes were wrinkled. When you went to look at them you recognized the red rimmed eyes and puffy face that you were sure mirrored your own. It was clear to you that they had stopped at their apartment before discovering what had happened and coming here. You were now also sure that Sirius had something to do with this. 

It took a while for you to calm down, and when the sobs had finally subsided James was the first to help you off the floor. You dropped his hand and stepped out of his reach as soon as you were up and sure you wouldn’t collapse again. You made it to the chair in the living room this time before you felt another painful lump in your throat. James and Lily took a seat on the couch across from you. 

It painted a picture that you weren’t okay with, it was them vs. you. They were sat so close together that their thighs were touching and James immediately reached for Lily’s hand and held it on his lap. Their matching rings glinted in the low light of your apartment, caught in the sun ray from your window. It almost took your breath away again. It didn’t seem like any of you knew where to start. There was silence for a long time before it was interrupted by a broken hiccup. 

James was crying, tears glinted off his cheek and Lily moved impossibly closer to him, attempting to wipe the tears from his eyes as you noticed more fall from her own. None of this made sense to you. You know at one point they had loved you and you supposed that the end of anything was sad, especially the end of a serious relationship, but from your perspective it was already over long before you had decided it was the end. You wanted to be able to say something to break the silence, to comfort them, you still loved them after all. The words were getting stuck in your throat and you were already fighting the unmistakable urge to run away or throw up. In the end it was Lily that gathered herself first and was able to break the silence. 

“What’s going on?” It was a simple question and the answer should have been simple too, but it wasn’t. Nothing about this situation was simple anymore. It never was to begin with and you suddenly felt so, so foolish to think that it would end simply. Before this you were actually delusional enough to believe that it wouldn’t end at all. You couldn’t stand to see them upset anymore so you said the one thing that you thought would make it okay.

“I understand. Its okay. Everyone makes mistakes.”

“Understand what? What do you think is happening right now? What mistake?” James had managed to get his voice back by this point, he was no longer holding Lily’s hands, his own were clasped in front of him, it seemed to only be with immense effort that he wasn’t reaching out to touch you. Your own hands were crossed around your waist, trying to hold yourself together for the rest of this conversation. 

“Our relationship. Its okay that its over, I understand why it happened.” You spoke quietly, you expected more tears but it seemed like they were all dried up for now. 

“Well I don’t! I don’t understand what’s happening and I don’t think its okay! Talk to me—please just, just explain. Just let me in.” James had stood up and was panting in front of the couch. 

“You don’t love me anymore.” It was like all of the air in the room was suddenly gone. You were used to feeling lightheaded around James and Lily, but this was a different kind of breathlessness. A different kind of dizzy. 

It was like diving too deep and not knowing if you would make it to the surface in time. Everything was muffled, you couldn’t hear, you couldn’t really see, the only thing in sharp focus was the pain ripping through your chest. You didn’t have any oxygen left in your body. You had never said those words out loud. You didn’t expect them to hurt you as much as they did. 

They both stared at you, frozen. It was several long minutes before there was any kind of reaction from either of them. And it wasn’t the reaction that you were expecting. Lily laughed. You recalled when a situation arose like this the first time you all admitted your feelings for each other, but then it left you with a feeling of hope. This time it just left you feeling empty. Nothing was funny about this. Nothing at all. James was also looking at Lily with an unreadable expression on his face. 

“Im not enough for you both. I don’t deserve either of you. I know that now. I knew when James proposed to you and when everything stopped and when you didn’t want me around anymore and when you started avoiding me and we didn’t talk and you didn’t want to me to have anything to do with your wedding and you opened your relationship to include me but that’s what it is- YOUR relationship and I was a guest  and I know that I was the last to join so I should be the first to go and everything is different now and I can’t watch you fall deeper in love with each other when I know that you don’t love me anymo—“ you cut yourself off when the tears started again. What had started off as a strong statement faded off with time, your voice growing more frantic your heart beating harder, you clutched at your chest and took heaving breaths by the time you were finished. 

This seemed to snap Lily out of whatever episode she was having and she was back at your side, you struggled against her grip when she went to hug you and eventually you managed to escape and back yourself in the furthest corner of the room you could get to. 

“Oh love…” James didn’t say anything else just took a deep breath attempting to collect himself before starting again “I didn’t propose to you because I didn’t want you to feel pressured. I wasn’t avoiding you and I’m so, so sorry you thought that I was. Darling I love you. If you give me another chance I’ll prove it to you. We both will. I’m so sorry that we didn’t see the signs. That we didn’t see how you were feeling or think about how it would effect you,  but please just hear us out.” It was a plead and you knew instantaneously it was one you would listen to. 

“Your mom doesn’t know about me. You went on your honeymoon and I was your petsitter.” It came out quiet and it somehow sounded more petulant than you were prepared for. Everything still hurt like it had earlier, but you has a feeling that their words were already starting to work on you. 

“My parents know about you. I talk about you all of the time. I don’t know what they were thinking, but I assume it was influenced by my sister as well. My darling girl, you told us to go without you, you said that you were too busy at work to take time off, if we would have—“ Lily was interrupted when James jumped in. 

“We spent the whole trip talking about you, we made a list of every spot on the islands that we wanted to take you. We talked about what we wanted our futures to look like, where we wanted to live and how many kids we wanted and what we wanted our collective wedding to look like. I didn’t tell you where I was disappearing to the last few months because I wanted it to be a surprise. I was learning how to make jewelry, a ring. Your ring. I was NEVER intentionally avoiding you.” James was looking into your eyes now, standing an arms length away, Lily by his side. 

“A ring?” Your voice was confused and no longer angry or panicked. James took this as his cue to take your hands in his own. 

“Lily got my mum’s family ring, I wanted you to have a special ring as well. I wanted you to feel special. I was going to propose to you with it when the time was right. Tell me I’m not too late. Tell me that I’ll get a chance to give you your ring. Please.”

“So you—you both still love me? We aren’t—we aren’t over?” Your voice was shaky and you felt nerves in your stomach so strongly that you wanted to throw up. 

“I love you so much. You aren’t getting rid of us ever.” Lily stole one of your hands from James and held it to her chest, over her heart. You looked at James, you needed his answer as well. 

“Never. You are never leaving us. I love you too much to ever let you go, love.” He took your other hand and placed it on his chest in the same position as Lily. 

You felt the weight slowly lift of your chest, you felt like you were able to breathe again and you slowly let a smile lift on your face. It felt like there was hope again. It felt like you were right where you belong. When James and Lily noticed your smile they returned it with a beam of their own. It didn’t last long as Lily leaned in and kissed you, her hand still snaked around your waist and her hand still cupped your face. James was next, his hand once more buried in your hair and his arm wrapped securely around your hip pulling you closer. It was a dance that you were familiar with and it was a dance that you didn’t ever want to stop. 

There was trust that needed to be rebuilt and communication that needed to be strengthened before everything was forgotten but you were now confident that you would all get there. Together. You weren’t just an extra piece in their relationship, you were a real part of it. They were the loves of your life and you were the love of theirs. Everything else would be worked out in time.

[leonenjoyer69]

The sillies :3 and the both colored and not bc I really really like the sketch for this one :3 my old emo playlist has recently creeped back into my life and ofc Migraine by Tøp hits me with this wonderful idea. Also, fun fact, the physical drawing was originally just supposed to be a concept doodle that I was gonna redraw on a different paper but I uh, got carried away..

Anyways!!! Little info dump below the cut on the relationship between the 3 of them bc @dustmint asked about it and I thought I'd share my response here too, teehee

OKAY, SO, HOW JEKYLL AND HYDE ACT TOWARDS HARRY:

I do firmly believe that Hyde fights Harry more Aggressively and outright, on board to do whatever it takes to get rid of him (or at least out of control) , while Jekyll took a bit more convincing (mostly once he was done freaking out over the fact that he's a fraction of a person just like Hyde is). He definitely also hates Harry, but in a more subtle, silent way >:3 instead sorta challenging Harry mentally as opposed to physically, like Hyde wishes to. He's generally more observant and tries to strike when he thinks it best, sometimes his emotions get the best of him tho.

MORE IN DEPTH:

So, once they figure out what/who Harry is from his lil journals in the mind scape, Jekyll may or may not have an identity crisis (he definitely does) but once he kinda gets through that he just feels bad for Harry, being locked away in the mind scape so long and dealing with everything there and such. Plus, Harry is seemingly their whole parts (their previously whole parts, at the least), so Jekyll certainly doesn't want him to die or anything. Hyde doesn't really feel too strongly about him right off the bat, more so just annoyed that Harry took control and now he's stuck in the mind scape with Jekyll.

Though!! Things change once Harry kinda shows his resentment towards the two, saying that he wouldn't be letting them out anytime soon, and revealing how he plans to reverse the potion. This immediately sends Hyde into feral dog mode, trying to use literally everything he can to absolutely break Harry and gain control back. Jekyll is still a bit reluctant for a while, but eventually starts siding more with Hyde, plotting how to gain control back or take care of Harry without killing all of them, bc ofc they don't wanna die.

But yeah, between sending out nightmares, forcing the heart palpitations and such by fighting, or just being a general nuisance (most all of which are usually by Hyde) it's not really surprising that the resentment Harry already had towards them grows lmao.

He does eventually find out that those little phantom strings he can still see around his wrists and such can kinda be used to vaguely control/subdue his other halves. Yeah, he threatens them a lot.

Also!!! Jekyll and Hyde start getting along better, but definitely still bicker and shit occasionally (which tends to piss Harry off a bit, since he's been so fed up with their fighting and refusing to be one for so long, it just ticks him off very easily). Jekyll also feels really jealous of Harry bc of how he seems to be able to fix things so easily (and his blooming relationship with Lanyon ofc)

Anyways!! That's all I got for now lmao. Lots of character development for Harry lately. Man, I really need to start doing stuff with Elias again 💀

Oh also here's a colored version where they're not ghostly:

[stargirlfics]

The Gentleman Chapter Six: Tremble

Alfred Pennyworth x Black Dancer!Reader

Summary: Scarecrow threatens to bring Gotham to its knees while you and those you love find yourself caught in the middle

Warnings: 18+ ONLY, canon typical violence, mentions of chemical weapons, anxiety and hallucinations, mild angst and hurt/comfort, competency kink, alfred being a soft dom, smut: soft spanking tw, body worship, oral (reader receiving)

Word Count: 12.0k

This chapter is finally here and I actually cannot believe the journey it has been from when I started working on this, having months of difficulty writing and then I just write this massive chapter! I’m really happy to be sharing it and I hope it’s well worth the wait. I really appreciate and cherish all your comments and love and patience especially on this series, it means so much 🤎

[series masterlist] [series playlist]

At the mercy of impending catastrophe, an entire city was holding its breath in sick anticipation.

News of Scarecrow and his fear toxin was everywhere one went, anxiety climbing with every hushed discussion and passing day without answers.

His motives were still unclear and everyone was trying to decipher the severity of the message he had left: This is Gotham’s only warning. Fear the Scarecrow.

What was to come next? And would you be ready?

Trust in Gotham’s institutions was few and far between for most, though you did feel a little more hopeful with Mayor Bella Reál’s steady presence in public lately—even still, people were bracing themselves. 

For you that meant dance rehearsals were still being held so stage time was abundant, the exotic performances and the allure of the Iceberg Lounge were quickly becoming a good means of escape for many in the city. 

You wanted to dazzle the audience, satisfied when you could suspend their belief that this was just a dance and convince them nymphs and sirens were real and alive in front of them instead. 

It was easy to throw yourself into the work if you thought about it; counting steps and turns while the band played their hearts out.

There was no other competition, the shimmer and sparkle of the costumes, the lingerie underneath even more dazzling, opal pearls and diamonds adorning your lush bodies caught every single eye.  

Five, six, seven…a spotlight shines down upon you, such a pretty beacon of desire, of the passion flowering so strongly in your own heart until there’s nothing but you and the music.

You left nothing on that stage at the end of the night. 

Especially not when Alfred was in the crowd watching you with an ever growing adoration. 

He made the effort to catch a show when he could, waiting with roses for you afterwards and no compliment or praise spared from your ears if he could help it. 

It was amazing how much things could shift, how nervous you had been the first time you knew he would be watching and now you welcomed it, relished in his promise to show up for you simply because he thought your talent and love for your artform was worth it, that you were worth it. 

And of course how could you forget his handwritten letter with such neat and elegantly written words, the very letter that sat on your nightstand since your date in the bookstore when he presented it to you and made it all official. 

You read over it in the late night hours and in the morning when you woke up wishing he was next to you, until you could recite every word he had written by heart. Weeks ago you would have felt anxious about entering a relationship, not wanting to go through heartbreak if your feelings weren’t the same but now you understood Alfred would never let you stand on unsteady ground. 

He hadn’t since the first moment your paths collided, the memory of it still so vivid you could practically hear the echo of your pounding footsteps on the concrete hurrying to reach him, taking a chance on a stranger and embracing him out of fear only to come away from it with your pulse racing for an entirely different reason instead. 

Something solid and gentle had formed here and you wanted to be cocooned inside of it forever. 

Your friends definitely didn’t hide their excitement that you were “basically dating a member of the Wayne family!” as Roxie had put it. 

She was the first to tell you she wouldn’t mind at all if you slipped Bruce her number. Bambi was already ride or die for the relationship, as was Amber and then Kiera’s encouragement of all things romance on top of it all certainly made this a fanclub if you’d ever seen one. 

Truthfully though their reassurances kept you from letting the tendency to overthink get in the way, making sure you knew that the way Alfred treated you was everything you deserved. 

Grateful felt like too simple a word but it’s perhaps the best word to summarize the way you felt about each of them. Elated in how they celebrated this with you, a sing-song chorus of excitement when you told them about his letter in the chat or how everything went after he spent the night at your place for the first time. 

It kept you hopeful, appreciating everything you had just a little extra.

Fresh snow dusted the windowsills of The Magpie where you were counting down the time until you’d have your evening free to spend with Alfred. 

You would see him in just a few short minutes anyways, with Bruce in tow for a meeting with the mayor and her team but knowing you’d still have some time before you truly got him to yourself left you feeling a little antsy. 

The bar had already been wiped down twice and you just checked on the handful of people sitting around for brunch, most of them talking and finishing off their drinks for the time being. 

So you settled on people-watching, polishing the crystal whiskey glasses while you did, arranging them in a stacked pyramid and you were almost done with the menial task when Bruce Wayne sidled up to the bar.

“Oh, hey! Can I get you anything, Mr. Wayne?” you greeted him with a smile, doing your best not to make it obvious you were also looking to see if Alfred was nearby.

“Please just call me Bruce, you don’t have to keep it so formal, really I insist. And just coffee if you can.” 

“Sorry, habit. I can get you some coffee, any sugar or cream?” you were laughing to yourself a little, forgetting that you didn’t have to address him so properly every time. 

You still did that with Alfred sometimes, a ‘Mr. Pennyworth’ at the tip of your tongue on occasion which always came with a playful scolding. 

“No thanks, I’ll take it as is,” Bruce corrected, thanking you again when you set the steaming mug down in front of him. “Oh, before I forget. He may have told you this already but when time allows it Alfred likes to try and get Dory and I together for a proper Sunday dinner and if you’re able to this coming weekend, I wanted to try and surprise him.”

Oh, how thoughtful! Quickly realizing he was inviting you to join them in this tradition of theirs made your heart swell and you hastened to accept. 

“That sounds so nice! Of course I can be there. Should I bring anything, dessert maybe?” 

“Yes, that would be perfect actually. It’ll be nice to have you there..uh, I know we haven’t had much time to speak but thank you, it’s good to see him happy lately and that’s because of you.” 

Bruce’s usual shy, reserved tone was more open, a little softer and you felt relief knowing that you had his approval in a way, maybe not wanting to admit to yourself that it had been a quiet worry all this time. 

His and Alfred’s relationship was on better working ground now and you didn’t want to complicate that or make it any more difficult for them to connect in the way they needed and it was very clear from the start that they did need each other and cared for one another fiercely. 

This was good, really good. 

“I’m glad and that’s okay by the way there’s been a lot going on you’re probably just as busy as he is, if not more, I figured we’d get to talk at some point. I really do just want to make him happy and I hope you know he is because of you too, he’s so proud of you.”

Your last few words saw the very rare edge of a smile before he took a sip from the mug, face turning stoic again.

Speaking of Alfred, he walked in the very next moment, as effortlessly handsome as usual. His suit was a crisp charcoal gray, a black tie tucked perfectly into that pristine waistcoat you knew felt smooth under your hands, the familiar gold accents of his wristwatch and cane pulling it all together. 

He always looked incredible but god did he have you weak from halfway across the room today, those kind, blue eyes finding you with ease. 

Waving him over to the bar, you started making his usual cup of Earl Grey, sharing a sheepish smile when you greeted each other. 

“Good to see you, darling. I hope you’ve had an easy morning.” The depth and lull of his voice and that accent sent warmth spreading across your cheeks, distracted from hearing the affection in his tone. 

“I have, thank you,” setting his cup of tea down on the bar counter, you leave the milk out for him to pour how he likes, “Hope the meeting goes well, you’re gonna kill it!”

“That’s very nice of you. I imagine it will, what we’re proposing will benefit the city and they seem receptive to Bruce’s ideas, which is all we can ask for.” 

Beaming at him you nodded encouragingly, giving yourself a few more moments to talk with the two men before the mayor arrived and they were whisked off to a more private table. 

Kiera came in not long after that, you were really just working the morning to fill in for her until she could get here but your plans to leave with Alfred right after his meeting lined up with the timing anyways.

An hour passed ever so slowly, the meeting finally finishing with what looked like good spirits from everyone and before long you were saying your goodbye’s to Bruce since he had to head out while Alfred lagged behind to take a phone call from his office. 

Bundled up in your coat, you waited by the hostess stand content to watch the snow flurries begin to fall outside, such a stark contrast to the warm, crimson interior. 

Not sure how long you were lost admiring the view, a warm hand slides across your lower back drawing your attention in a gentle caress you’re sure you’d know anywhere.

“Ready to leave?” Alfred held his hand out for you and kissed your knuckles when you fit your palm against his.

The eager nod of your head and the accompanying excited giggle gave you away but you didn’t care to hide how much you’d been looking forward to this evening with him. 

“Ready.” 

Outside the air was chilly, coats zipped up a little higher while you discussed what the plans were for the rest of the day. 

It was still fairly quiet out on the streets, the business sector in this part of the city always a bit more empty than the bustling traffic of downtown that you were used to, at least before dinner rush anyway. 

Nothing out of the ordinary piqued your attention until Alfred was pausing mid-sentence, asking if you heard what he had heard.

“No, what-” but no sooner than you had opened your mouth, the faintest recognition of what sounded like a scream could be heard. You flicked your eyes up to him in concern. 

Had it really been a scream? Or was the frigid wind playing tricks on you, whistling through the air?

The same sound rang out again somewhere in the distance, only this time you both were able to hear a distinct shout of “HELP!” following it. 

The mood had suddenly turned urgent but it was as if you could only move in slow motion until you realized that at this very moment, the other shoe had indeed dropped. 

Chaos was the only way to describe it, more shouts piercing the air but nothing prepared you for the wave of people running out into the street in every direction. 

You can’t be sure exactly what’s going on or what everyone was running from but the gears were already spinning in your mind and you don’t hesitate to move when Alfred hurriedly nudged you to follow him, clutching onto his jacket as he guided you to cross the street where his car was parked around the corner. 

But you wouldn’t make it more than a few steps off the curb.

The flow of the crowd was too dense, too panicked and you were jostled as you tried to keep your feet steady on slick, snowy pavement.

A gasp was knocked loose from your throat when someone shoved past you, upsetting your balance in the process, the impact forcing you to let go of Alfred’s hand.

Fingers flailed but it was no use, you couldn’t move fast enough and soon more people pushed themselves between you on all sides which meant he couldn’t reach you either. You were quickly losing sight of him, legs feeling like lead as you tried to follow the sound of his voice shouting your name but there’s too much noise to filter out. 

No, no! Where is he? I can’t see him anymore.

Your heart sank realizing you’d lost him in the crowd, even as frantically as you were searching for him there were so many people dashing past as you also tried to keep moving that you knew it would be impossible to find him like this. 

You were separated and on your own. 

Now it felt like your sense of direction was off, not sure if you were still headed in the right direction towards his car anymore, the whole world feeling like it was swallowing you up.

Deep breaths, just take a deep breath. Keep moving. 

You had to repeat it to yourself in order to stay calm, trying to reassure yourself that somehow you could make it out of whatever this was but a pang of worry for Alfred made you feel nauseous. 

Unwelcome thoughts of something happening to him threatened to take root amidst your struggle to think. Hands moving on their own volition, you reached into your bag to fumble for your phone; maybe you could could get a hold of him by calling, sending a text, could find where he was and try and make your way to him in the event you ended up making it to the car and he wasn’t there.  

Seconds later, up ahead of you, a truck swerved to avoid a group of people rushing into the intersection which sent everyone scrambling to move aside, inadvertently knocking you off balance again. 

Stinging pain prickled in the meat of your shins, rattling all the way up to your temple when you collided with the cold concrete, eyes going wide knowing it wasn’t safe to be on the ground like this. 

But it didn’t matter because had you not been knocked to the ground you weren’t sure you would have noticed it: the shiny silver canister nestled in a pile of snow not six feet away. 

Something didn’t feel right about this. It felt like you were being herded to this point.

Under the noise of so many footsteps and all the commotion you heard it click, a slow whistling hiss coming after. The sound grew louder but you were already scrambling backwards trying to put distance between you and the cloudy plume of gas extinguishing from the cylinder. 

This had to be the fear toxin, this had to be him. 

Fresh screams dotted the blood rushing to your brain through your ears, dread forming a hard lump in your throat as you watched the gas diffuse again and mix with the falling snow. 

Loosening your scarf you folded it over your nose and mouth hoping it would buy you some time if you weren’t breathing as much of it in, you couldn’t be sure you hadn’t already. 

Your heart was hammering in your ribs when you finally found your footing and could stand, ignoring the strain in your muscles or how your skin felt raw from where your tights had snagged and torn from crawling on the pavement. 

Now that you were on your feet again your surroundings were more familiar.

It’s how you spotted the mouth of an alleyway to your right, knowing exactly where it would lead, recognizing the rust red fire escape peeking out from the side of the building. You hadn’t realized you traveled back this far but you’d take it, at least you’d be off the street this way. 

The disadvantage of this was that you were working against the flow of bodies but you tried to keep your stance wide and square out your shoulders so you couldn’t be pushed quite as easily, and there was something else…a noticeable difference in how people were acting. 

It wasn’t just panic in their eyes, pupils glazed over and blown wide, this was an erratic look of fright. This toxin was confirmed to cause hallucinations which could only mean there had to be dozen’s on this street alone who’d come in contact with it. 

You could only imagine what awful things they were seeing, your voice ricocheting against the clamor of sounds trying to warn whoever you could. 

Just then, the quickest flash of gold appears in your peripheral and you hear your name again turning in time to see him, Alfred, shouldering his way through the crowd. 

You stared in awe, questioning for a split second if you were starting to see things too but he was really there fighting and pushing his way through the packed street to get to you.

The small relief when he reached you, both of his arms locking around you this time before ushering you the rest of the way. Slipping into the alleyway was easy after that. 

“Are you hurt? Darling, look at me please! Are you hurt?” His voice is chalked with concern, a clipped edge to his tone that echoed against the brick wall you had slumped against to catch your breath. 

He’s already looking you up and down in careful assessment. 

“I’m fine! I’m okay..I think, but wait, Alfred! This was intentional, the gas it-” the words come tumbling out but you fall short at the nod he gave you. Of course he had pieced it together. You’re gulping before noticing his cane is missing. “What about you? I was so worried when we-” the words died in your throat for a second time remembering how you got separated in the crowd. 

You didn’t trust yourself not to cry. 

“Me too, sweet girl but I am alright. I was far more worried about you.” and it’s the tenderness in his voice that makes you sniffle. 

Screaming cuts through the brief moment of rest and you both agree you need to get out of here, deciding to stay off the main streets. If you could cut through a few alleyways you’d be able to get to his car.

His hand is once again steady in yours, thumb passing over your skin trying to soothe you while your own fingers return pressure here and there, beyond relieved to be next to him again even with a million more worries arising. 

The damage had already been done though, time beginning to move slowly, buildings looming high above feeling suffocating, as if maybe you’d never find your way out, every muffled cry or scream from the streets a terrible chorus. 

A loud squeal and the creaking of metal a few feet ahead halted your steps again, Alfred’s arm thrown back to push you behind him. 

Four men filed out of a side door, the hoods of their jackets pulled up so they were shrouded in shadows, both of you just barely avoiding being seen. 

Alfred had hastened to backtrack and slip behind an empty delivery truck in the alley that provided some cover without close inspection but was still too close for any sort of comfort. 

Everything in you went quiet and still, clammy fingers gripping Alfred’s bicep a little tighter, grateful you were wedged between the side of the truck and his body. You don’t want to look their way again but your anxiety rises at the thought of not knowing how far away they were so you risk a peek over his shoulder. 

Your blood goes cold almost instantly, breath sucked from your lungs when a fifth man stepped forth. 

Dead eyes pierced through a ripped burlap hood covering the man’s head, its crooked stitching reminding you of an old scarecrow only the rest of him was clad in a suit. All you felt was dread. 

“Keep your eyes peeled.” a distorted command came from behind the decrepit hood.

There was something terrifying about the way this man moved, it was creepy and sinister, your suspicions confirmed when you spotted more of those silver canisters peeking out from his suit jacket just before he was slinking away, moving out onto the street ahead flanked by those four men, each with a weapon in hand. 

Tentative relief came seeing the distance increase between your position and theirs but you weren’t out of the woods yet by any means with one more street to go.

Counting shallow breaths one by one, you waited until the crunch of their footsteps on the snow faded enough to move ahead safely. 

Alfred squeezed your fingers to get your attention, motioning for you to follow him from out behind the truck carefully. It was best not to stay idle here too long.

In the midst of trying to process what just occurred you didn’t notice Alfred pull out a small blade until you saw it clenched in his left hand, noting the way he kept it tucked in towards his palm so that outwardly no one could see it was there. 

His other hand gripped your arm, keeping you from being able to move from behind his back as you crept forward together, a defensiveness in his movements that made it seem like this was just muscle memory for him. 

Here he was, protecting you, keeping you calm this whole time and though it wasn’t surprising anymore you were still a little struck by just how much he cared for you, your wellbeing. It bled through into every part of him and that had your heart clenching. 

When you finally made it out of the alley fresh worry spiked like ice inside your chest, attention drawn to every direction trying to make sure nothing would catch either of you off guard now that you were no longer under the cover of the city’s alleyways but at last, after what felt like an eternity, you had arrived. 

Unlocking the car and seeing to it that you were safely tucked inside, Alfred was skillfully weaving the sleek vehicle through the streets in no time.  

—

Everything felt like it was turned upside down.

Sirens and police cars whizzed past, headed in the direction you’d just left behind and you could only watch as the weather turned dreary.

Alfred checked in every so often, comforting you with reassuring glances, a soft squeeze to your knee which you returned with a weak smile. You were sure he had noticed you shivering as well and felt appreciative of the warm air circulating through the vents. 

Remembering your phone after a moment you fished it out of your bag, replying to a string of texts from Kiera who was worried sick and thankfully still safe inside where you last saw her. 

Scrolling through the rest of your messages and missed phone calls that kept pinging in your notifications you let each of them know you were safe until it hit you that something was missing, a sudden gasp catching Alfred’s attention.  

“Do-do you think Bruce is okay? He left a few minutes before us. Maybe he managed to miss all that.”

“I’m sure he made it through, but he’s not been answering his phone. We’ll be at the Tower soon and we can check.” 

It sounds hopeful but the crease of worry between his brows makes you wonder. 

Trying to cling to the more hopeful outcome, you attempt to keep bad thoughts at bay with the idea that you’d see that swath of dark hair emerging from the staircase as soon as you step into the foyer. He just had to be there. 

The rest of the drive was fairly quiet but the noise in your head made up for it. 

You couldn’t stop thinking about what you’d seen—Scarecrow. How close you’d gotten to the fear toxin but so luckily managed to avoid it, a sick feeling in your stomach seeing what it did to the people around you. 

Whatever his big plans were for the people of Gotham, you were sure they were horrifying. 

Anxiety drips from your shoulders when the car finally comes to a stop, limbs heavy again as you soar up to the penthouse floors from the parking garage elevator and it’s only when the low hum of the lift stops that you let go of Alfred’s hand, the doors opening to a suspended silence. 

It only took a few minutes and a quick search to see that it was evident Bruce wasn’t here. 

Your stomach was twisted into knots again waiting patiently while Alfred tried his cell phone one more time. Each trilling of the dial tone felt longer than the last and your heart sank once it went to voicemail. 

“If he has his location on, I’m sure I’ll be able to find him.” He takes a deep breath, pacing the floor trying to think, to come up with answers. 

Wringing your hands wasn’t doing much to ease the tension in your body so you forced yourself to lean against the solid wood table of the main room. 

Touching something solid seemed to help and you wanted to be helpful to Alfred right now, at the very least supportive in the effort to find Bruce, hoping anxiety wouldn’t take over everything.

Mentally you were running through a list of possible places near the incident that he could be, fingers flying to your phone to search news updates, find out if Bruce’s name had been mentioned anywhere. 

“Christ, I’ve found him! His phone is at the GCPD building. He can’t have been there for very long yet.” 

“Okay, that’s good. He’s probably okay then if he’s there of all places, right?” your question is tinged with a cautious optimism as is Alfred’s responding agreement but you still feel unsure. 

“I’m going to head there regardless, surely he’s fine but I don’t want to take any chances. I wish he would answer his bloody phone, though.”

He sounded like such a dad in that moment you might have laughed if the circumstances were different. 

“Maybe he’s there with the mayor too, they walked out together before us, it was probably the first place he would think to go especially if they saw something related to what we saw.” you offer a little reassurance and reach out to squeeze his shoulder. 

“Smart girl. I’m sure you are right.” Alfred sighed and closed his eyes for a brief moment.

Fngers pinching the bridge of his nose before he slips his glasses from his breast pocket and puts them on, focused in on what needed to be done once again, typing out a few messages to Bruce in the meantime. 

“I can come with you, just in case he’s in trouble or, or.” you don’t want to go any further with possibilities and you aren’t sure how to articulate your uneasiness at him going back out there on his own even if he could handle himself. 

It upset you to think you wouldn’t be there, wouldn’t know if something else were to happen. 

“Oh my love, I appreciate that. You’ve been so brave through all this and I do want you with me but more importantly I need you safe and staying here will ensure that. I don’t want you in harm's way.” he’s setting down his phone to cup your cheeks, moving in close so his nose brushes yours gently. 

You want to protest but understand that he’s right, the lump in your throat returning as you look at him. 

He was being strong, for you, keeping it together just to make sure you weren’t any more frightened than you needed to be but you could see the stress in his features and knew you needed to be strong for him too. 

“I don’t like it but I understand,” you relented with a whisper, leaning into him a little more, unconsciously trying to hold on. “I’ll stay here but just please be careful okay?” 

Alfred moved back a bit so you’d look him in the eyes, a determination in them that takes away some unsettled nerves. 

“I promise I will be. I’ll keep in touch as well, as soon as I find out anything you’ll get a call.” His soft murmur came in between the gentle press of his lips against your forehead. 

His kisses were effective in calming you even if it didn’t help the reluctance to part from him, you know he has to go and don’t want to delay him any longer. 

A new wave of emotion crests at the way he fusses over you before departing; making sure you were okay to be here alone for a bit, reminding you to eat something soon and that there was a change of clothes still in his room if you wanted to shower and take off your torn tights and snow dampened sweater. 

The anxious shake of your hands was better even as you kissed him goodbye, returning his thoughtfulness by making sure he had a pair of gloves and another cane from his collection in hand before hurrying off, your feet lingering for a moment longer after the elevator doors close behind him. 

Now…the waiting began.  

—

Barely twenty minutes have gone by but you’re restless and there’s a sharp tension in your shoulders all the way down to your hamstrings that won’t ease up even when you try to relax. 

Wayne Tower was quiet and far too empty, the methodic tick of the old grandfather clock in the foyer and your footsteps all the sound she’d bestow.

Sitting still has proved to be impossible so you wander the halls, count the steps each staircase you go up, try to roll out the stiffness in your neck little by little. 

It’s only afternoon but the skies are gray and dark, some heavy kind of shadow cast over every corner that could be touched and there wasn’t a single thing you could do about it but have patience. 

News updates are slow meaning no one knows anything concrete yet, just that nearby hospitals were starting to get an influx of people affected by the fear toxin and police were all over the scene of the incident and surrounding areas. You’re just glad it seemed to be isolated to the few blocks you had navigated around earlier, nothing else occurring elsewhere in the city. 

That certainly didn’t mean these incidents weren’t going to spread, you were fully prepared to hear of more fear toxin attacks in the near future with so much mystery still surrounding Scarecrow.

This whole thing felt deeper than what you could see at the surface but all you could come up with were questions and more questions. 

But there’s no use in giving yourself a headache, not now at least, your phone ringing abruptly and Alfred’s name illuminating the screen. You’re answering before the second ring, taking a deep breath the moment he tells you everything is alright. 

Bruce was indeed at GCPD headquarters when Alfred got there and the pair were in the process of giving statements about what they saw related to the attack so it was looking like they were going to be there for a while yet. 

You don’t get to speak to Alfred for long before you hear him being summoned and you’re wrapping things up, wishing him well before he leaves you with a promise that he’ll update you as things go. 

Your body felt much lighter now that you knew they were safe, the tightness in your chest dissipating as you finally allowed yourself to unwind a little.

Stomach still too tense to try and eat anything yet, you opt to take a shower instead, the change of clothes and the hot steam of the water would do you good. 

Finding the familiar path to Alfred’s bedroom was easy, his space inviting, kept as tidy as ever but you still see all of him in it. 

The faded bookmark sticking out of the novel on his bedside table, his nighttime reading glasses that lay folded on a stack of books to the left, and the tie and cufflinks atop his dresser still there from when he was getting ready this morning you imagined.

You’re comforted knowing you’re surrounded by his things and you’re further softened seeing your clothing items amongst his from when you stayed the night for the first time, everything neatly folded in the way you’ve learned he liked to fold. 

Thoughts of him lingered as you retreated into the warmth of the shower, adrenaline slowly leached from your body, swirling down the drain with the soapy water. 

You didn’t realize how exhausted you were from the last hour and a half until your eyes started to feel heavy but you don’t want to get out just yet. 

It feels safe here and you’re already too far gone indulging in daydreams of your boyfriend, the thrill of being able to call him that now—the same one who practically bouldered his way through a crowd of people to reach you. 

In the moment there hadn’t been time to really think about it but now that you were alone with your thoughts, it’s all you could replay. 

Or maybe it’s all you wanted to think about but either way you wanted to drown in whatever strength and steadfast skill Alfred possessed, heart fluttering thinking of how every movement was intentional, the way his entire body pivoted to shield you, keep you safe as you moved through the streets, the switchblade he so effortlessly and quietly had ready and the expert flourish of his wrist when he pocketed it in the car. 

Yes you knew he had been a soldier, had seen combat and was skilled in more areas than you could count, you could only imagine all the technical and psychological training he had from his days as an intelligence agent and though you took those parts of him seriously, you also couldn’t help but find it all deeply attractive. 

Where words could not be applied, he showed you. 

Refreshed and in more comfortable clothes, your mind felt a little clearer even if having to wait was still difficult but you try and be patient for another update, checking in with your friends in the meantime.

Alfred’s bedroom was warm from the steam still escaping from the connecting bathroom and you felt far too cozy here to venture back downstairs so you climb into the large bed and curl up on his side, comforted by the fact that his pillows smell like him. 

No longer restless from the quiet aura in the air, fatigue rolled in, the energy to worry had faded quickly. Instead you began to drift off, the allure of resting pulling you under so easily. 

Your phone is still clutched in your hand as you oscillate between worlds, thinking of Alfred and that “oh my love” that had left his lips so tenderly, understanding now why your breath caught in your chest after, why you’d been persuaded to listen. 

He refused to let you dismiss your own wellbeing when thinking of others, your importance to him was too great to let you follow him into the unknown even if he’d feel much better having you by his side.

Nothing was going to happen to you if he had anything to do about it. 

You hadn’t ever been shown this much adoration before and so fiercely and consistently at that and you slip into a light slumber thinking that this must be what falling in love felt like. To know perhaps, somewhere etched deep within you that it was exactly that. Love. 

An unending flame, a sewn red string, so viscerally real it had you swearing to nurture it always. Even in sleep you know you’d never dream of stopping.

—

Winter sun had just begun to set when you were woken up by the sharp buzzing of your phone. A text message. 

On the way back now, Bruce is with me. Hope you’re doing alright, I’ll see you soon, lovely   x Alfred

Smiling at the good news you rub the grogginess from your eyes and reply back before tucking your face back into the pillow for a few more minutes. 

Your nap had lasted an hour or so and afternoon was quickly spilling into evening as you blink the last remnants of sleep away and check the time. Anticipation and the rumbling in your tummy finally get you up. 

Taking a few moments to fix where your curls had flattened to your head from laying on your side, you fluffed out the small coils until it looked the way you wanted, padding down the old staircases and into the kitchen soon after. 

You wanted to try and make something quick to eat for when they got back, you were sure if you were hungry they must be too especially after everything that had happened, all the extra energy spent. 

A quick browse through the fridge and pantry had you grabbing ingredients for sandwiches, absentmindedly putting everything together and you’d just stacked the last one on the plate when you heard the elevator chime and you didn't bother to put anything away, rushing out to the foyer right away.

You don’t care that you’re running, feet carrying you forward with their own motivation, you’ve waited long enough and it’s a complete and total relief when Alfred and Bruce step inside.

Alfred saw you first, a grunt that turns into a chuckle resounding through his chest when you all but crash into him, arms wrapped around his shoulders in a hug that he returns immediately, his own arms sliding across your torso to pull you in close. 

Not a second more apart, that is all you wished out of the rest of this day. 

“I’m so happy you guys are back. What’s going on out there?” you compose yourself after a moment.  

“Half the city is shut down right now, people are scared and staying inside judging by how empty the streets are.” Bruce runs a hand through his hair while he explains.

You almost don’t notice that his fingers are smudged in some sort of dark ink or paint, the color reminding you of motor oil, thoughts racing as to what could have happened, what he might have seen. 

“Are you guys doing okay?” you’re asking quietly as you all walk into the main room, hoping you hadn’t pressed too much too soon, just worried by what their faces won’t yield. 

Alfred shrugs off his coat and rubs your shoulders to comfort you. 

“We’re both alright, darling, don’t worry.” He's reassuring you, steady and measured voice calming you enough to where you begin to let yourself focus on how delighted you are to see them. 

Bruce is the first to head to the kitchen when you mention you made sandwiches if anyone was hungry, his thanks echoing down the hall. 

You take a moment then to greet Alfred properly, kissing him soundly, spine tingling when he returned the kiss with a sweet pressure that gave away how much he missed you.

“I’m so sorry it’s been hours, their investigation is a big operation and nearly everyone needed to speak to us. Are you doing alright? I’ve been thinking of you all afternoon." He's looking over your frame again, almost like he can’t help but check for himself one more time

“I’m okay, I promise! Actually doing a lot better now that you’re here. It was hard not to be a nervous wreck for a second there but I took a shower and ended up sleeping for an hour and that really helped.” you’re sighing contently against his shoulder. 

“That’s my girl. I am so proud of you for how you’ve handled all this today, I really am. That’s great!”  

His words were so full of praise and affection it flusters your thoughts and you’re glad he can’t fully see your face lest he notice how much you’re affected, how much that just made you want him, but you reasoned it wasn’t the right time for romantic feelings and desires to take hold yet.

Not when there were still so many questions and things to be talked about, so you stow away those thoughts for the moment, already sure the tension would be palpable when you were able to be alone. 

Maybe it would only be a little longer left till then. 

Eventually the two of you joined Bruce in the kitchen, everyone feeling a little more settled after eating, able to process and debrief about what madness you’d found yourselves in today. 

Surreal didn’t even begin to describe how it felt but it’s all you could manage to say, not quite sure how you were able to make it out of the chaos in the streets unscathed save for a few bruises, it all felt like a bad dream come to life and everyone feared that the worst was still yet to come, that sick feeling in your gut returning with the thought that they were probably right. 

Dusky colors peeked over the horizon as the three of you tuned into the five o’clock evening news hour, wary faces glued to the TV as the first solid pictures of Scarecrow flashed across the screen. Your knees bounced nervously where you were sitting on an old loveseat, the reminder of his hooded face making you shiver. 

An eerie cell phone video showed him moving down a street with his henchmen, people screaming and writhing on the ground from the toxin. 

It seemed like he enjoyed what he had caused, a maniacal glint to his eyes, in the way he moved his face under that hood you swore had to be fused to his skin by the way it looked on him. You had to look away after the third loop of the video, an attempt to keep any nightmares about him later at bay. 

Some information was given about the initial incident that sent everyone running; the toxin had been released inside the vents at the City Hall building near The Magpie, gas canisters later found in the ducts like the ones you’d seen in the commotion, lying in the snow so coincidentally. 

Having confirmation that it had been planned like you thought only produced more confusion with the sudden wish to have been very wrong about what was going on. 

Premeditation like this could only mean this man was cunning and careful, that he’d only been caught on video and surveillance footage because he intended to be seen and that terrified you to realize. 

When you dared to peek at the TV again you immediately had to do a double take, up close photos of the men flanking Scarecrow in the video popping up, showing you what the men you saw in the alley really looked like out of the shadows. 

You wanted to throw up. You knew for sure that you recognized one of them. 

The same man who had been following you when you ran into Alfred that morning you met completely by chance.

It couldn’t be, you didn’t want it to be, as if you could kid yourself into believing you’d forgotten his face no matter how hard you had tried since that day, but it was him and a shudder rolled down your spine at how much of an awful turn this was. 

Your small gasp of surprise caught Bruce’s attention and you noticed his careful gaze shift from the screen to your face in a question, figuring out what you’re stuck on trying to explain before you can get any words out. 

“You know one of them?” there’s something in Bruce’s tone you can’t discern right away. 

“I..yes I recognize him,” your sigh was heavy, followed by the point of your finger when the man’s picture was shown one more time. “Don’t know his name or anything but I do know he works for Oz, I’ve seen him around the Iceberg Lounge pretty recently.” 

You took a deep breath before turning your attention to Alfred who was also listening curiously.

“I should also mention that I found out he was the man who was stalking me the morning we met. Oz sometimes uses his men to intimidate the dancers who get out of line with him and I may or may not have injured his pride the night before. I’m sorry I haven’t told you sooner I just didn’t want to upset you with it.” 

You cringe inwardly, anxiety rushing in all over again now that you’d said it out loud. 

That incident had been something you tried not to give too much thought to, you’d been careful, always were and hadn’t had any more issues with being followed, even got back in Cobblepot’s good graces lately as well but seeing that photo brought it all back. 

“Hey, you have nothing to apologize for, darling. That’s quite alright and more than understandable, I think you know either way I’d always be upset knowing he sent that man to stalk you but I would never be angry with you about that.” Alfred spoke gently. 

You’re relieved he isn’t mad at you even if the guilt that lingered made you worry.

Maybe you’d make a point to bring it up again when you were alone and able to discuss it in the full context of your relationship, you were sure he wouldn’t mind giving you a little extra reassurance about it. 

“Thank you. I don’t know what to make of this but I am a bit shocked Oz would be connected. He’s looking for opportunities to climb up in the crime world, all of us know that and he can be sleazy and he has a reputation for a reason but for him to be part of something like this if he really is involved is extreme.” you chew the inside of your cheek, pondering if your boss had made a deal with the devil in his search for power in Gotham. 

Men like him were all smoke and mirrors with a penchant for easily bruised egos but these revelations had you questioning things. It wasn’t a good thing to know too much in this situation and right now, you were making one too many connections for your liking. 

You would just have to be more vigilant now, especially around him. 

The investigation into today’s fear toxin attack was still ongoing and every news outlet was clamoring for updates and solid information that was nonexistent right now, Bruce finally turning off the TV after a while. 

There would be a press conference tomorrow, maybe the city would know more by then but for now it was no use to any of you to rewatch the events you’d already experienced firsthand today. 

Bruce announced he was going to shower and call it a night and wished you well if he didn’t see you again, adding that you were welcome to stay any time if you didn’t feel safe going home and he was glad you weren’t hurt after everything. 

It brought about a smile to your face again to know he didn’t think any differently of you and made sure you felt welcome.

You were remembering his offer to surprise Alfred with a proper dinner this weekend and though what happened today seemed to put a huge damper on things, you hoped that could still happen. 

Closeness and company was what you all needed right now. 

After helping Alfred tidy up the kitchen a bit he offers to drive you home and your face must have indicated your disappointment because he was quick to explain he had every intention of spending the rest of the night with you, just thought you’d want to be in your own space after such a taxing day. 

He was right, as comfortable as you felt here at Wayne Tower you did miss your apartment and your bed and the familiarity of being in your space but you were also relieved to know that he was still looking forward to making the most out of things this evening. 

Of course he’d never leave you wanting or wishing. 

Trying to hide your eagerness was a challenge, a new kind of adrenaline in your system as you watched Alfred gather some things to take with him because he said he’d be staying the night too which meant you’d get to have him to yourself after all, putting excitement back in your veins after you’d been quietly hoping to be able to wake up next to him in the morning.

When you finally left the Tower, the streets were just as barren and quiet as Bruce had said, it was eerie not seeing any of the usual traffic. 

The only semblance of relief came from seeing that familiar bat signal lit up in the sky, a few hopeful beams cutting through the gloom in the air. 

Nothing was going to be the same moving forward and most of the city had been bracing for this since the first threat. It was only a matter of time but tonight, you wanted to forget for a little while and just take all the comfort and quality time with Alfred that you could. 

He was as protective as ever walking up to your building and doesn’t fully drop his guard until you’re both inside and the door is locked. 

Home at last!

Falling back onto more recent patterns, the space by the door is filled in with Alfred’s shoes, his coat hanging up next to yours, his presence in your apartment making it feel the most complete it’s ever been. 

He insisted that you let him make an evening cup of tea for both of you while you sank into the couch cushions, browsing through movies to watch together before you agree on something comedic and lighthearted. 

Eventually he joined you and somewhere in between laying your head against his shoulder and the middle of the movie, you finished your mug of chamomile tea and Alfred had pulled you into his lap.

And somewhere between then and the end of the movie you fit yourselves together so you could be cuddled against his side, your leg draped over his to make space. 

He’s so solid and warm that you’re helpless to sink into his hold, unable to explain why his arms made you feel so sweetly held, so comforted that the feeling radiated through just the mere mention of his name. 

Maybe it’s why the tears eventually came, when you knew you were completely safe and able to feel all your emotions fully after hours of having to push through.

It didn’t take Alfred long to notice your quiet sniffles though, catching the moment some of those tears spill over in silence. 

“Ohh sweetheart, it’s alright you’re okay. I’m right here, can you tell me what’s on your mind?” His words are soft and patient and spoken so gently you feel more tears come. 

“Today was just a lot…like I keep thinking of when we got separated in the street. I don’t think I’ve ever been as scared as I was at that moment. It’s probably all hitting me now I think,” the waver in your voice could have broken his heart. 

“It was a lot and you’ve done such a good job getting through it, you know that was a brilliant idea to use your scarf as a mask? You have no idea how proud I am of you! But you are right, that was terrifying, I was so worried you were hurt or trampled or worse, can’t imagine how caught off guard and disoriented you must have felt and I am so sorry for that, darling.”

Alfred kissed your temple, fingers careful when he began to wipe away the salty streaks left behind on your cheeks and nose. 

You wiggle yourself a little closer and nod against his shoulder, “You found me though, you made sure I wouldn’t be hurt even if you did almost give me a heart attack thinking I’d never be able to find you again.” 

This time there’s a genuine, shy laugh at the end of your words. 

“I’d always find you, you know that right?” his tone shifted to a slight seriousness, still comforting but there’s a weight to his words that steals your breath. “There isn’t a time, a place or a world in which I wouldn’t come find you, wouldn’t do everything in my power to keep you safe, you mean far too much to me.” 

You cried a bit more when all of that sentiment sank in because you trusted Alfred so much you knew he spoke truthfully, it wasn’t just to ease your emotions he meant every word and in turn, you’d felt every word. 

“I know, I don’t doubt that one bit. I know we talked about this earlier but I do want you to know I didn’t intend to keep that information about Oz sending someone to stalk me a secret from you. I promise I’m going to be a lot more careful around him now too.” 

He wiped away the dampness from your lashes before simply shaking his head at you and leaned in to kiss your forehead.

“That would definitely be wise going forward especially since we don’t know how deep his involvement goes but I also don’t want you worrying about how I feel, sweet girl. That was always yours to tell if and when you felt ready and it meant something greater that you trusted me with that knowledge, that I can be a place of confidence for you.” 

When would he ever stop rendering you speechless?!

You began to think the answer was never and that was just fine honestly, your heart so taken with his patience and diligence to validate your feelings whenever it was needed, no shame or dismissal involved.  

“Sometimes I think I just need a little extra reminding but you’re right I do know I can trust you with anything that’s going on, with anything I’m feeling.”

“Good, that makes me happy. I may have been thinking about putting you over my knee for thinking such silly thoughts that I would be upset, but there’s not a single thing you have to apologize for.” 

Oh.

You forgot how to breathe after hearing that, something lighting up inside you imagining yourself over his knee, accompanying thoughts of being toyed with, spanked, squirming and helpless under the grip of those strong hands of his followed swiftly.

He’d figured it out now, reading the change of your expression for what it was, latent desires rising to the surface.

You untangled yourself from his embrace to sit up for a moment, further distracted when he clasped his hands behind his head, shirt pulling taut over his biceps. 

“Thanks for reassuring me, if I ask again feel free to do that though, think I might actually get it through my head then,” you teased shyly, “I guess I am being silly, you did after all muscle your way through a wall of people to get to me, which by the way was very impressive.” 

He laughed at your compliment, the sound low and gravelly to your ears, pulling you in. 

“Mm used to be a boxer, love. I’m flattered you think so.” 

Oh wow. Again your interest in his skills had been piqued and he must have seen the flicker of an urge to ask further in your eyes because he continued after a second. 

“Well, field medics like to have fun too and it was the army so we were all trained in hand-to-hand combat; boxing kept us in shape and gave the lads something to do, to focus on. I still try to keep up with the training, Bruce and I spar a lot of the time, we have since he was old enough to throw a punch.” Alfred tilted his head at you a little, reminiscence on his features for but a moment. 

A stray image of potentially watching him spar one day landed right in your lap and it was incredibly hard not to involuntarily scoot your leg further up from where it was draped over his thigh. 

He was so damn attractive it wasn’t fair. It made sense, the boxing, connecting why his shoulders were so defined, the tone in the muscles of his back, the power you knew he had behind those thick hands and even thicker thighs.

So sturdy and agile, age and old injuries just a reminder that every move was calculated for a reason. 

“That’s so cool. I bet it’s a good way to let off some steam too,” you rest your chin on the plush pillows of the sofa. Something had begun to shift, a slowly simmering tension working its way between your bodies. 

“Oh I can think of other things that would do that better.” 

The look on his face sends a wave of heat through you, straight to your core. 

“Like putting me over your knee?” 

It slipped from your lips on a whim but he was ready for it and you realized he’d been enticing you this whole time. 

“If that’s what you’d like then of course. Have you ever been spanked before, darling?”

You took a shallow breath, “Maybe once or twice it’s happened in the moment but no, not really, not properly like that. I-I think I’d actually enjoy it, um have you ever spanked anyone before?”

“I have.” 

He unclasped his hands to sit up next to you, eyes never leaving your face, keeping the intensity up, lighting every little flame inside you by the second. He knew exactly what he was doing and you were going to let every spark catch.

“Also impressive and yes, Alfred. I want your hands on me,” you sighed a soft plea. 

“C’mere then, I’ve got you.” He tugs you gently into a kiss and your fingers slide down over his wrists when they moved in to cup your face, touching you the way you wanted, so sure and thorough until he grasps for your hips, hungrier than you’d anticipated. 

He doesn’t waste time, your surprised little squeal making him smile when he moves to stand up and lifts you slightly by your hips, tipping you so you’d fall into him before he was transferring your weight so you were hauled over his shoulders, centered with such ease so that you felt balanced and stable now that you were off the ground. 

Your pulse thuds in your chest as you cling to him, those nervous giggles muffled against his back while he carries you to bed. 

—

The short walk down the hall made you feel jittery in the best way, a nervous excitement bubbling inside you knowing he was experienced with this, that he was going to show you and make it feel so good. You were sure he would. 

It’s almost crazy to be back in your room after all that’s happened today, how tense all the minutes bleeding into hours had been. 

But it could all be pushed to the background for a while, your attention locked into the moment as Alfred sat down on your bed, bringing you with him, your body positioned across his lap so prettily, angled so your legs were spread just slightly with the length of his left thigh keeping you supported. 

You stretched out your upper half on the duvet, propped up on your elbows to look back at him, watching as he pushed your leggings down, throwing them somewhere behind him on the bed before warm hands were caressing up your shins, over your thighs and up to the swell of your ass. 

His palm kneaded your flesh, strong fingers applying a teasing amount of pressure while you squirmed and arched back into his touch. 

“I’ll start slow, is that alright? Nothing too hard, just a few spanks to see what you can tolerate. If you don’t like it or aren’t sure, we don’t have to continue.” His hand moves in soothing circles across your skin and he leans in to press a kiss to your shoulder. 

“Yes, I’m okay with that.” you try and breathe. 

“Good, I want you to say the word red if you need to stop, yellow if you need to slow down and green to continue if I stop to check in. Can you do that for me, sweetheart?” 

There’s a little authority in his voice and it made you squirm again, aroused by his establishment of cues and a safeword right away, how in charge he felt right now, you wanted this so badly it caught you by surprise. You hadn’t expected to be so needy for this.

Remembering that he was waiting for a reply you squeak out a yes and have to bite your lip to keep from gasping when he pulls his hand back and swats the center of your ass, more sound behind the movement than there was force but it still made you jolt forward. 

You groaned at the dull sting that prickled your skin after and glanced at Alfred who was already studying your reaction. 

“Well done, how did that feel?” he cooed praise at you and this time you don’t try to stop the sound you make in response. 

“Felt good, like what I was expecting but also different but I liked it, I want more.” your legs flexed when his hands smooth over your skin one more time, his pleased smirk at your declaration making heat pool in your lower back. 

You wished he would slip off your underwear too, so then he’d be able to see just how soaked you were from all this but you knew you had to be patient and the reward would be everything. 

You do take a second, however, to wiggle out of your sweater, starting to feel warm under the fleece lined fabric, and when you glanced back Alfred was admiring just as you thought he might be. 

No bra, nothing underneath but soft, brown skin for him to feel and just to entice him a little more, you arch your hips, making your ass jiggle, just enough to pull his steely gaze down your backside. 

The next spank is firmer than the first, more heaviness to his hand that made you whimper, your mind feeling a little hazy in the best way, the kind of haze that felt like a release, a soft bed to lay down on and surrender some control because you knew you’d be taken care of. 

Thwap! 

Whimpers and moaned out gasps mark the smack of his palm on each of your asscheeks, only a slight increase in the amount of force so that the sting just bordered on stealing your breath. 

“Christ, you’re so gorgeous like this, baby.”

His accent was deeper, that gruff voice sending tingles rippling across your spine, going down smooth like whiskey and followed by his left hand sliding over your back to rest on your right hip, making sure you couldn’t squirm away. 

He made each spank hurt in the most delightful way, alternating between right and left and then across both cheeks, spreading out the sensation, giving you a feel for which areas were more sensitive, which areas you liked being spanked at. 

“Oh, fuck!” breathy curses left your lips when he kept at it, precise hands giving you just the right amount of impact. 

“Good girl, you are doing so well. I think it’s time we take these off, hm?” he coaxes your hips up slightly so he can hook his fingers under the waistband of your panties and you’re all but begging him to. 

Nevermind if he felt like tearing them in two, you would have let him, but he’s polite in how he strips you despite the way you feel him stirring, hardening beneath where you lay. God, you wanted him so badly. 

“Please touch me, oh please,” you don’t even realize the words are coming from you.

In barely audible little pleas muffled by where your face is flush with the bed but Alfred doesn’t miss anything and he’s grinning in your peripheral. 

“You should see how soaked you are, love. Need my fingers there, is that right?” his fingers were already inching towards where you ached the most, his right hand circling, distracting you from being able to speak while preparing you for another spank. 

“Yes! Please, Alfred, I want it so much!” your whimper leaves both of you aching. 

A tremble in your thighs had spread down to your pointed toes with the way he swirled the pads of his index and middle fingers over the slick mess between your thighs.

Slow and sweet as he slid them over your folds and circled over your clit, waiting and then rewarded with the eventual roll and arch of your hips, his free hand drawing back and then coming down on heated skin. 

You gave a strangled cry, the sound turning into a moan when his fingers continued to circle your clit, responding to the way your body reacted, only taking his eyes off you for a moment when he finally put aside his self control to watch your pretty pussy swallow his thick fingers.

He worked you open gently, remembering how you liked him to move, where those sensitive spots were even at this new angle. 

Giving you something to clench around with his next spank, coaxing you to rock into his touch like he could see you wanted to do, the gorgeous sway of your hips trying to meet the plunge of his fingers, undeniably needy for him.

You knew he could hear it in the way you cried out his name, how sensitive your entire body was now, the broken, pleading edge to the way you praise him in return, telling him how good it felt, how much you’d been needing this. 

The pleasure built higher as did Alfred’s movements, a hiss at the edge of your words at each searing swat of his hands that mixed with the scissoring of his fingers, both working in careful, measured tandem. 

“That’s my girl, come on, that’s it!” he grits out when you push up onto your elbows again and grind your hips back. 

The passion and possession in the way he called you his merged with the curving of his fingers and you both know you’re there, tender walls fluttering as you come, thighs aching, your whole body tingling, trembling with the steady roll of his wrist keeping the pleasure drawn out, filling your entire body. 

You’re not embarrassed by the tears that prick your eyes or the sob in your throat that follow when he finally flips you over, laying you back because you’d begged for him to and who was he to refuse you, an angel.

If you wanted his face between your thighs, eating your dripping pussy until you were too sensitive to take it, that’s exactly what he’d give you and it’s why you weren’t shy, not in this moment, not when you knew he wanted it just as much as you. 

Soft hands disturb the careful style of Alfred’s hair, unable to help it when his tongue licks you and the salt and pepper scruff scratches achingly over your inner thighs, daring you to try and close them.

Not like you’d want to, able to see how his shoulders curved and bulged with the stretch of his shirt as he kept your legs parted with his body. 

This was everything you had wanted, moaning at the way he consumed you so lovingly, a weight in his touch and in his encouraging, filthy words that told you he wasn’t holding back now, you were his girl, he could show you the more true depth of his desire now.

And you were safe to do the same, you craved it actually, always wanting this and you reason you have this entire time, craving this level of care and need, even obsession with each other, so much trust and feelings at the center of it. 

“So good, baby. Just like that, please…” you barely get the words out, lungs losing air from the focus he gave to your words even before you finished speaking. 

His hands didn’t stay idle, the grip of his hands over your body like he wanted to memorize the feel of you, the way you dipped and curved and stretched and it drove you wild, the wet suction of his mouth the only thing your mind could focus on. 

It’s a wonder you can even move when he finally withdraws his mouth from your puffy lips, turning his still hungry and devoted gaze towards your chest, those stiff peaks he’d been neglecting through all this, but no longer. 

You squirmed into the flick of his tongue, the way he kissed your skin and praised and nipped and got his lips on every inch of skin that he could while you just laid back and relaxed, recovered from the orgasm still twitching in the muscles of your arms, your thighs, your tummy. 

“Just look at you. Fuck, I am so lucky,” he rumbles against your collar and you wrap your arms around him, curled against him.

“I feel exactly the same way.”

His soft huff of breath against your neck tickled and you snake your legs around him, hoping to keep him close, just wanting to be in his arms and under his body for as long as you could. 

You’d take forever, and that was all you needed to know.

The Shoreline Lofts

November 27 

12:00 a.m.

The Batman was watching. Unblinking and focused, planted in place but ready for anything that might come. Folding himself into the inky cloak of the midnight hour. 

The Iceberg Lounge was directly beneath the loft space but that wasn’t why Bruce had come tonight.

No, he was far more interested in what Penguin got up to in private, without guests and dancers and clients around, what secrets or clues might be yielded if he just sat and watched, surveilled for a while. 

He was curious why the man you had recognized from the news was connected to Scarecrow and he didn’t believe for a moment that Oz wasn’t keeping tabs on what his men were doing, he had to have known the attack was going to happen. 

Motives were unclear but pieces of this horrid puzzle were starting to come together so Bruce  wouldn’t rest until he could see the grand picture for what it was. 

He tipped the binoculars back up to the blackened edges of his cowl, zeroing in again on where Oz was playing pool, unaware a shadow sat spying through the skylight. 

The building’s layout was already scoped out, every entry point found, tested, and memorized. Now Bruce would wait and watch until Penguin left the loft to slip in and see what he could find. 

Gordon needed intel, something to go on after grasping for dead end’s, there was no time to sit on things, not after what he’d seen today. 

Not after you and Alfred were almost hurt and especially not after he’d seen what the toxin did to people, recognizing the look of anguish in their eyes like his own reflection.

A waking nightmare was no stranger to Bruce so he’d make sure of this, Scarecrow would be made to answer.

A/N: It’s been so long and I have missed writing for Alfred and I’m really surprised and proud of what I wrote here! Went through a lot of emotions trying to get this on the page and there was a lot of self doubt and anxiety and unfairly beating myself up about things not coming together but here we are and I just really love that I pushed through and had fun putting this all together in the end 💕 We stan protective Alfred! Like if that’s not a whole husband right there!

Thanks for giving this a read!

no pressure tags! 💌 @flamingdisputes @saradika @ozarkthedog @tarabyte3 @tarrenterror25 @the-eyes-of-andyserkis @communism-bitches @xnodamsel @glitterjuju @mariahthelioness29 @ayoarticulate @fluffyprettykitty @unrefinedmusings @xoxovivafics @peachyteabuck

[emwritesstuff]

DYNAMO | Steve Rogers x Reader | part 7.

HYDRA has made their share of human experiments. You're just one of them. One of the least successful ones. One of the least functional ones. At least your life in the facility gave you a few things: unwavering resilience, cool(ish) superpowers and a great sense of humor. Steve Rogers would strongly disagree with that last one. A single chance encounter with him reluctantly brings you into the Avengers Compound, and you're determined to make his life as miserable as you can. Feeling's mutual.

AO3 | Masterlist | Playlist (coming soon!)

notes: There's more to your powers than you could have imagined. my biannual update, a large boy at least... do you guys still read this thing? (warnings: inaccurate science, brief mention of HYDRA shenanigans and minor injury) (7,411 words)

7: JOULE'S PRINCIPLE

After swinging your leg over the seat, you’re left with no other choice but to put your arms around his waist to hold on. The wind whipping around and the lapses in stability has you clinging to Steve against your better judgment, even though he’s a skilled rider and you doubt he’d get both of you into an accident.

Still, it’s enough to make you decide you’re definitely a car person.

Although you have to admit having an unobstructed view is great. You can see the entire city from the bridge you’re crossing, twinkling like it did in your imagination. It’s nice to know it does it justice. You now get why everyone loves this place so much, and you don’t regret being irresponsible one bit.

The bike is also pretty convenient. Steve zips through traffic, and soon enough the city views become a treeline and the Compound gates welcome you in.

“The lights are back on!” You say, loud enough for Steve to hear over the noise of the Harley— you’re not sure how much his super hearing can pick up.

His answer comes roughly in the same volume, as he drives you into the garage: “The maintenance guys got to it pretty quickly. No harm done, besides the temporary outage.”

“And Tony’s PacMan streak?” You ask, hopeful he’d say that was left intact too.

“…and Tony’s PacMan record streak.” This stupid video game will get you kicked out one day, you’re sure of it. Steve sighs as your shoulders fall, despite him looking way more amused at the situation than you are.

He has to help you with the helmet straps again, and you flinch from the cold feel of his fingertips. “Besides that, everything’s back to normal.” His touch makes you feel like you poked a live wire, or like when you zap yourself with your powers. “Are you—”

You shove the jacket into his chest the second Nat’s bleached-blonde head pokes inside the garage. Bruce follows right after her, and it makes you want to tease her about it, but the look on her face is so serious you decide against it.

“There you are! Bruce told us what happened during training. Are you okay?”

“He… told you. He told you everything?” You look over her shoulder at your doctor, and he shrugs apologetically.

“We were worried when you fucked off. Don’t do that again.”

You widen your eyes a little, then give her a sheepish look. “Sorry I stole your car.” Nat smiles.

“Don’t sweat it. It was smart you dumped it at the train station, actually. It has a tracker I can’t take out.” The way she says it makes you think that she can’t because she isn’t allowed to, not because she doesn’t know how. Natasha would know how.

You don’t mention that you were feeling way too queasy to drive her favorite BMW all the way to New York City, and that’s why you opted for the train; it’s likely not a very good idea, considering how cool she’s being about it all.

You’re not even sweating.

“You’re lucky Steve found your ass before we had to bring S.W.O.R.D. into the picture.”

“Yeah, I suppose it was lucky he was in town.”

“In town?” Bruce questions, and you look at him as the four of you leave the garage in direction of the Compound living area. “No, he said he was gonna find you himself—”

“Bruce.”

“—didn’t he ‘Tasha? Just took off on his Harley and–”

“Bruce!”

“…what?” Before you can finish turning to Rogers and question his previous statement, he’s already got the elevator half closed.

You glower at the metal doors. He was right about things being back to normal - here was evidence he is back to helicoptering you, watching your every step because of course he wouldn’t find you capable of staying out of trouble; and you are back to feeling the bitter taste of animosity on your tongue.

You suppose this your own fault. Maybe you should just accept you’re stuck in this place forever.

Steve lets out a big, slow breath as the elevator doors close, leaving Sparky and her pinched eyebrows on the floor below. It’s for the best. He wouldn’t have answers for her nor himself at the moment. The feel of her body, her legs, wrapped around him made him feel electrified without her using those powers of hers.

He sure wishes he had them as an excuse.

Bucky raises an eyebrow at him when the doors open again, welcoming him into their shared quarters.

“You’re back already. You found her?”

Steve nods, walking over to the kitchen and fetching a bottle of water. He’d found her alright, looking cold and distracted on the steps of the Brooklyn Museum.

“She good?”

He nods again. “Barely put up a fight.” He’s glad he acted fast and got to her before anyone else took notice, because that would be a whole lotta trouble and she was enough of it on a normal day.

The thought of a S.W.A.T team being sent, anything that seemed too much like an arrest, or in truth, anyone other than himself finding her made his skin crawl.

Maybe he was a control freak. She’d told him so herself, more than a few times now.

“No— I mean, is she good. Physically, mentally?”

Steve looks up from his water. Bucky’s empathy was not really a rare occurrence, but he’s surprised nonetheless. HYDRA is as much his enemy as it is Steve’s, and he figured that would be too big of a barrier for Bucky to cross. Apparently not.

“She’s good, Buck. All back to normal.”

Back to extensive training. Back to occasional missions. Back to mutual dislike, the image of her in his jacket already a hazy, surreal memory.

Shoved away like the jacket itself, the second Natasha had eyes on them. Normalcy.

Bucky nods, knowing as well as Steve that for people like them, and her, nothing was ever really normal.

“Try not being too hard on her tomorrow.”

“I’ll be moderately hard.” Steve shakes his head, biting the innerside of his lip to stop the chuckle that wants to come out. It’s such a stupid piece of humor.

That’s what she said, Rogers.

“I hate this,” You mutter to his broad back, and he turns to you briefly. Of course he wouldn’t slow down to keep up with your pace; his own fitness routine is more important than camaraderie, especially when you’re involved. “Three more laps.”

“What? It was two!”

“It’s three now,” Steve Rogers is a petty, insufferable little motherfucker.

Well, not actually little. It’s the principle.

“Screw you.”

You’re almost waiting for him to clap back with a “you did”, or maybe “language” but that is how you’d react. Definitely waiting for him to add another lap, or ten. He doesn’t do either, just keeps on running ahead of you.

It’s like nothing even happened.

You shake your shoulders and head like a dog does when it’s wet, as if the innuendos were water drops.

You’re not a fan of running. It’s hard for you to understand how people say they run to clear their heads, because your way to do that is taking a nap. Or several.

Taking advantage of the current distance between you and Rogers, you pause, your hands on your knees and lungs working quickly for more air. You’re surprised when he turns instead of going around to finish the lap.

“Keep up, Sparky.”

You groan, standing up with your hands on your hips and shoving a petulant finger to his chest. “Don’t call me that. I could fry you like a fish andrunright out of here. Make sure to use money this time—”

“Don’t.” He’s not looking at you. His eyes stare behind and above you, and when you turn Fury is watching you both. There’s another man with him, in a fancy military uniform that screams everything but friendly. “Just. Keep. Up.”

The urgency in Steve’s tone makes you frown. His gritted teeth. He hasn’t stopped staring at the other two.

Alrighty, then. “Three more laps?” He nods, and you resume your early morning run.

You’re both one lap in when you speak again. “Who’s that?”

“That’s General Hoss. He’s Chief Commander of the NSA.” He looks back to check if you’re following, but you aren’t, neither his pace nor the words. “National Security Agency?”

“So… he’s pest control.” You bite your lip when he agrees. “He’s here because of yesterday, isn’t he?”

“I’m guessing yes.” Frost seeps into your bones, the regret Steve wanted you to feel yesterday finally kicking in. Like he can read your mind, he continues.“I’ll talk to him when we’re done here. You don’t have to worry about it.”

“Who’s worried?” A humorless laugh leaves your lips. You keep on running. “Last one, Cap.”

He nods. “That’s the spirit,”

By the middle of the third and final lap, Bruce Banner is standing at the side of the track field, a clipboard on his hands. You stop when Rogers does, a little surprised he doesn’t make the doctor wait for you to finish your workout.

“You feeling okay? You look a little green,”

“Good morning to you too. Cap.” He says tiredly, but you’re proud of your joke regardless. Even Steve has a curl to his lip this time.

You’re wearing them all down, little by little.

“What can we do for you, Banner?”

“I’m going to need Sparky here at the lab.” You raise an eyebrow. The routine checkup is supposed to be on Monday. “Me and Tony have been analyzing your data and have a few theories about your powers being unstable.”

“Okay…” The thought of the two scientists turning you into their little project makes you feel a little uneasy.

Tony Stark specially.

“Oh great, you’re here. Why are you sweaty? It’s 7 a.m.”

You point back to Rogers with your thumb, then realized that not only there was a crowd, but also an audience to your personal shitshow. Of course Tony had to drag the spider kid into this.

“Mornin’ run.”

“Ew. No time for a shower though, lucky us. Come sit over here.” Stark ushers you to a chair, strapping your monitoring bracelets on.

“Do you plan on explaining what in the fuck you’re about to do to me?” Steve mutters a timid language, and you both glare at him. “Or at least what is it that you found out about my powers?”

He sighs and stops what he’s doing, as if you’re wasting his precious time. “What do you know about Joule’s Principle? Physics?”

“In short? Nothing.”

“Then there’s no point in explaining anything to you.”

You’re about to tell him to shove the laws of physics up his wormhole when Bruce turns from the computer he was typing on.

“Joule’s Principle is a theory about energy conversion. Basically, an electric current produces heat as it passes through a conductor,” Bruce pulls up a full body scan, your full body scan, the areas on your head, torso and hands colored deep red and orange. “This shows your body temperature spiking as your powers flare.”

“So…I am the conductor in this Joojoo…thing?”

“Joule’s Principle, my little genius. And from our observations the extreme overheating could be causing all of those gross side effects of yours. The dry cleaners were concerned about that, by that way— ”

“Just get to the point, Tony.” Steve is leaning casually on the doorframe, his eyes focused on your body scans.

Stark’s head whips in his direction. “Didn’t notice you were still here, ‘Merica.”

In all honesty, you hadn’t either.

“Anyway, the side effects- especially bad when you’re not feeding off a generator. So! Here’s a little gift for you, from me and my little elves Banner and Peter.”

You blink once. It’s a lot to digest, especially when Peter Parker is shoving a glass case on your hands, with a small glowing disc floating inside.

“Do you like it?!” He says, and you wish you could mirror his teenage nerd enthusiasm.

“Uh… sure? Very shiny. Is it gonna fix everything?”

“Yes! I mean, not exactly. Maybe?” It’s Tony’s turn to answer, and you look at Bruce for help. He gives you a sympathetic smile and nods, agreeing with his mad scientist colleague.

Great. “And you can match Mr. Stark!”

…great.

“Uh– match? Isn’t your thing basically a mini atomic bomb? How am I suppose to use this? Wait, isn’t yours inside your chest ? Where—”

“Whoa, whoa… slow down. It’s not an atomic bomb, it’s a fusion reactor. And it’s going on your suit.” You breathe out a sigh of relief, although maybe you shouldn’t. Rogers also seems relieved.

Of course it’s going on the suit.

They wouldn’t just carve a hole in your body���right? Right. You’re still coming down from that small panic when FRIDAY speaks out. Captain Rogers, General Hoss is waiting for you at the lobby.

The monitor bracelets on your wrists make sure to tell everyone about your heartbeat spiking up. Your eyes find Steve’s, his posture now stiff and imposing. The good old by-the-book Captain America everyone knows and loves.

“I’m on my way, FRIDAY.” Shit. Shit shit fucking shit—

You can only imagine how that meeting is going to go. You’re probably fucked.

Right?

Maybe you’re hallucinating, but you swear he mouths three words to you before leaving: I got you.

“Sparky, you need to breathe.”

You draw in a desperate breath, only now realizing your lungs were completely empty.

“What…what were you saying?”

“The fusion reactor is going to be installed on your suit, giving you essentially an endless energy source for you to feed off from. We noticed that your side effects are more intense when you don’t. While they might not go away completely, it might help.” You nod, it makes sense. Sort of.

“Wait— isn’t this nuclear energy? My thing is electricity, I don’t know if you noticed.”

“My Pac-Man machine surely did. Which brings us to our second point… I’ve never seen electricity put cracks on a concrete wall, babycakes.”

You shake your head, as you would if your ears were full of water.

There’s something you need to pick up from what they’re saying, but you’re not a science person like they are.

“Our main theory is that your powers are not simply manipulating electricity,” Bruce says, pulling up a screen with graphics you don’t understand. “But also converting it. We believe the electricity you converted into mechanical energy is what caused the damages to the wall. Which means you could probably do it the other way around—”

“Like a dynamo!” Peter pipes up, and he and Tony share a look.

It scares you almost as much as the outcome of General Hoss’ and Steve’s conversation.

“A what?”

“A dynamo is a type of old-school energy converting machine, like you but made of iron and magnets. It has a ring to it, don’t you think?” In your indignation, you don’t pay attention to the fact that Bruce is still explaining things.

“I’m not old-school. You have me confused with the other guy.”

“—So by analizing all this data your suit and the other tests picked up, well, it seemed natural that you could convert all other types of energy into each other. Thermal, electric, mechanical, nuclear, sound, the possibilities are—”

Endless. The potential is endless.

Dr. Hermann Steiner knew it all along.

The dots connect in your brain almost instantly: your words, your failsafe— it uncapped the ability to harness so much energy it took your powers to a whole other level. Giving HYDRA all of the control in their hands, turning you into a near-perfect, glass-domed weapon.

Until now. Maybe.

Something tells you that S.W.O.R.D is going to have a field day with this information.

What an absolutely insane week you’re having.

“I feel like this isn’t right.”

It takes Wanda a couple of seconds to answer. “Your knees are a little bent, but you’ll get there.”

Your body is folded awkwardly into the downwards dog position, the muscles at the back of your legs burning from the unfamiliar stretch. Wanda’s so good at it she puts Natasha to shame, and that one has never lost her ballerina skills.

“I’m not sure how this is supposed to be relaxing and therapeutic,”

“It helps if you focus more on your breathing than in complaining.” She grins at you, looking at little crazy from this angle.

“I’m not complaining. It’s just an— observation,” You’re slightly out of breath, and she laughs. Things have fallen into routine after General Hoss’ visit. You’re not entirely sure what the results of his conversation with Steve were, but it’s been four days since and besides the fittings with your improved suit and a promise of testing out Stark and Banner’s theory soon, not much has changed.

Beside the whole…Steve Rogers thing. You’ve barely seen him these days, since he has been leaving the Compound every single day and when he is home he makes sure to stay out of your way. And everyone else’s. You know you should be feeling elated, but for some reason it bothers you.

His constant hovering and nagging would be better than this. Probably.

Wanda announces it’s time for the reverse warrior position, and you swear you hear your joints creaking as you move into it.

“Speaking of observation,” You start now that your lungs have air in them and you can breathe again. “What’s going on with you and Vision?”

She opens her eyes slowly, tilting her head at you innocently. “Nothing’s going on. Me and Vis are just good friends.”

Her accent makes the words drag slightly, thickened as she does when she wants to play tough.

“Right. As good as Nat and Bruce, eh?” Wanda blushes, and you grin like the Cheshire cat. Bingo.

“I’ll trade that answer for one about you and Steve.” Your grin falls off your face at the same time hers grows.

“What makes you think there’s something with me and him? We’re not even good friends, and besides, he’s been avoiding me like the pla–”

“Us witches always know. Hi Steve!”

You whip your head in the direction she’s looking, fast enough to rival a horror movie. Wanda’s giggling as you stare at the empty doorway, and you roll your eyes.

“You’re the worst.”

“You started it.” She says, standing beside you to correct your posture. “Come on, deep breath. Remember the mantra?”

You glare at her while you say “Om” , elongating the O instead of addressing her first comment.

The both of you finally get to sit in a comfortable silence, after the many torturous positions you attempt to twist your body into. You have to concentrate to keep your eyes closed and not hyper alert to your surroundings.

She’s so much better at it than you are it’s almost funny, despite her insisting every time that you’ve been doing better and should keep practicing.

Not that you’re planning on giving up your joint yoga sessions anytime soon.

Wanda Maximoff is probably the most welcoming and understanding out of all of your housemates, with endless patience for dealing with your moods as if they were her own. From what you knew, she’d been in a similar position as you are now. Maybe that was why.

Maybe she was just good.

You weren’t asking about Vision simply out of curiosity: although a part of it was, you needed to know if a stern conversation with him would be necessary.

After nearly three months, she was one of the only you could confidently call your friend, besides Nat. It was… a strange feeling, still.

“Hello, Stark.”

“Fuck off. You can’t get me with that one anymore,” You call Wanda out humorously, eliciting a laugh out of her.

“I thought Yoga was supposed to make you zen,” Tony Stark’s actual voice startles you, making you jump.

He’s standing at the previously empty doorway, hands on his hips as he stares at you as if you’re wasting his precious time. You make a face at him, raising your shoulders in question, and he rolls his eyes.

“You’re late.”

“Late for what?”

“For the suit’s first real test drive, Tiny Taser. I had FRIDAY call you fifteen minutes ago!” He says, urging you to your feet.

“We can’t hear FRIDAY from here. I blocked all noises out… for zen purposes,” Wanda pipes up, and you barely have time to fight against his antics and shoot her an apologetic look as he ushers you out of the room and through the endless Compound corridors.

You end up in a glorified broom closet, with Tony reinforcing that you have 30 seconds to change into the suit or he’s making you do this on your underwear.

Alas, you’ve changed, you’re about 10% zen, and you have an audience. Natasha waves at you from behind the tempered glass where Tony is also going for safety purposes. Bruce appears behind her with a clipboard in hand.

You see Nick Fury and Rhodes at the back of the elevated platform as well, making you wonder if Netflix isn’t on today or something.

Oh, and let’s not forget Peter Parker.

They’ve place a bunch of different things on the floor for you: an array of lamps and electronic devices; heavy metal objects, like oversized dumbbells. Barrels, some empty, some filled with firewood. A chair, very thoughtful of them.

“What do I do with this shit?”

Tony Stark comes to the center of the window, leaning over a small microphone.

“You’re so sweet, aren’t you? So delicate. You can start by–” Tony is eager to get his experiment going, but someone interrupts him, though you can’t make out who or what they said. “He’s the man’s little lapdog for the week and we get held up because of that? There’s no time to lose, Romanoff.”

“Should I do some tricks?” You say, making your fingers sparkle with lightning. No one seems to be amused.

You shrug, taking to repeating your HYDRA words quietly, falling into the familiar empty head space. The best way to get precise results, since you’d be using them during missions too.

You’re more than halfway finished when the door to the test room opens and slams closed, heavy footsteps following. Steve Rogers - or better yet, Captain America - strides in, fully clad in his own tactical suit. The vintage one. “I’m here– sorry I’m late.”

As if you needed any extra pressure. Fuck me.

“What’s with the costume? Hoss made you do a kid’s birthday party?” Stark quips, and you would’ve laughed if not for the present circumstances.

“Don’t start, Tony.”

Change of momentum with change of time. Noether-Theorem.

Hail HYDRA.

You really wish that last sentence wasn’t part of it.

“Alright, Sparky. Now that we’re all here, let’s get this show going.” You nod, watching as Rogers climbs up the metal steps to join the others. “We want you to focus on using the reactor on your suit as your main source of energy. I put some stuff for you to play with there, start with your usual party trick first. Anything else, Dr. Banner?”

“If you feel anything out of the ordinary just stop immediately. We have your wrist monitors functioning at all times too.”

You can see that Rogers is saying something to them, crossing his arms against his chest.

“Yeah, yeah. Take it easy, your safety is most important. I thought that went without saying,” Tony says through the speakers.

You take a deep breath, trying to concentrate on the task and not on the group watching you. It should be nerve-wracking but it’s not, thanks to how your programming works: the energy flows from the arc reactor down to your palms, lighting up the special seams of your suit in the process.

You almost miss the feel of the electricity inside you, running on the surface of your skin instead. It’s like being under a cold shower.

With little effort you make the lamps that were displayed light up, picking up a small one and holding it in your palms until the thin glass bursts.

“Sparky? Everything good?”

“Yeah.” You don’t look up, although a voice at the back of your head says you should be protesting over the rampant use of the nickname.

You move on to the other electronics, satisfied as they all power up one by one. It was easy enough, something you could do with or without a special suit. Your usual symptoms are nowhere to be found however: a very promising result.

“Let’s tackle the other stuff now. Maybe thermal energy? The barrel in front of you has wood, try getting a fire going.”

You walk over to where Tony suggested, staring at the wood. A fire? How on earth– you’re flabbergasted they’re just letting you play and figure things out, even in this very controlled environment, when it clicks.

It might be cheating, but if you zap the wood hard enough a fire could spark.

And it does. Your lips curl as the woods begin to burn, heating up your extended hand. Heat. You can feel it on your palm, scorching instead of the familiar coldness. If the arc-reactor is a source… what isn’t?

The potential is endless.

You push your hand further into the barrel. The fire is close enough to blister skin, but you barely feel it; all you care about is the new type of energy flowing towards you as the flames roar.

It’s enough to make you stumble backwards, your palms red and burnt, eyes dry and wide. Your body feels unbearably hot. It’s not as easy to control as you expected, probably because it’s so new, leaving you to release it all at once against whatever is on the way.

The thing you classified as a large dumbbell is knocked down as your blast strikes, rolling away. The other empty barrel crashes against the concrete wall.

Half melted.

You look down at your hands. Your temple is starting to hurt, but only a little bit. “Bruce, how’s my levels?”

“…surprisingly within range.”

This time, you turn your eyes towards the audience behind the glass. You probably look deranged, wide-eyed and grinning. Steve Rogers’ eyebrows are so close to one another they look like a singular line, and if it wasn’t for the glass he’d lean off the rail and fall into your little playground.

All this attention on you, as if he hadn’t spent the past few days pretending you didn’t exist. Typical.

Not that you care.

Nat comes up to him, touching his arm and saying something in his ear. His attention shifts from you to her, and you look away.

He didn’t have to be here, did he? You wish he’d gotten caught at whatever schmoozing to General Hoss he was doing before this.

You huff through your nose, cursing your programming for not being exactly thorough with keeping your feelings at bay. The more you used it, the more loopholes you found; if someone was able to elicit a strong enough emotion out of you, it was able to slip through the cracks of the flimsy mental armor. Rogers was one of those people. Natasha too if she picked her words right.

Maybe it was the lack of rewiring your brains every time you used it, like HYDRA used to do. It was extensive and painful, much more taxing than what you do now to come down from the programming. You are definetely not reminiscing that part.

Von Strucker could stay dead and buried.

If you could not use it at all, you wouldn’t. Fury’s presence in the training room is enough evidence of how much you have to.

“Now that’s a Dynamo if I’ve ever seen one. Right, Peter?” Tony says on the intercoms, and you look back to see Peter Parker enthusiastically putting both his thumbs up.

You groan. “No. I don’t need a superhero nickname, Stark.”

“But it’s great!” Peter says.

“Too late sugarplum, you already got business cards on the way.”

“Try not to fog the glass, Rogers.” Natasha’s voice calls out on his ear, and Steves snaps out of the trance he was in.

You and that wild smile of yours, with powers just as untamed. The sight filled him with a foreign pride. It worried him immensely.

“Her vitals might be regular but she has to be more careful,” He reinforces, turning to Bruce and ignoring Nat for a second. She raises one eyebrow. Steve shrugs.

He hadn’t missed the blisters forming on the skin of your palms, something you’d feel only later but his super-soldier vision had picked up.

S.W.O.R.D was already more interested in you than he’d like, and you’ve been pushing yourself hard enough. He doesn’t want you to find out where your breaking point is.

Instinct tells him that HYDRA still having vestigial roots inside your head is what’s keeping you from harnessing your powers fully, despite the immediate effects of the programming. He can tell when you’re under the spell, his eyes finding indifference instead of a passionate hatred inside your gaze.

With abilities like these, it could all go to shit if you’re not in control. The guys in suits wouldn’t hesitate in retiring a malfunctioning S.W. on the Raft.

Sentient Weapon. Asset.

The thought makes him cringe.

“We won’t let anything bad happen to her,” Natasha whispers, and he tightens his fists against the rail. It’s a silent agreement. He’d guaranteed General Hoss your record would be set straight and that he’d oversee it personally. Control freak. He was paying that vow with cashed in favors and his dignity. This damned old suit was proof enough. Itchy, too.

The outcome of that morning turns out to be unbelievably positive, even with the stupid new nickname. You’re eager to keep finding out what you can do with your powers — S.W.O.R.D is eager to have you on the field, putting them to good use. Which in hindsight it’s quite stupid of them.

The mission had gone to shit. It had been an intelligently laid trap, with an empty warehouse building stuffed to the brim with explosives, the HYDRA rats long gone from there, resulting in the side of the building being blown to smithereens. No one was dead, which was the most important thing, but you saw ambulances speeding by as you boarded the Quinjet. The media arrived before they could, transmitting the failure live. So much for no casualties. No one felt like saying anything, not even you, ears still ringing from the blast and trying to make sense of the sight in front of you. Steve Rogers, with his shoulders hanging in defeat. His hair looks powdery from the soot and cement that littered the air.

You’re sure yours is the same way. He shares a look with you, but it feels like a question, so you tear your gaze away, whatever had been locked away slowly rising to the surface as you recite your words in reverse order. You can’t handle another half hour in this emotional limbo; you’ll just have to deal with the comedown in this noisy flying tin can instead of your quiet bathroom.

You wonder if any of it could’ve been avoided. How did none of you see this coming? It looked too easy. Too good to be true.In a whim, you used your powers to keep you all from being buried under the rubble. Rogers, Romanoff, Wilson, yourself.

But if you hadn’t deflected the blast, those neighboring buildings wouldn’t be affected. Cars crashed on the streets trying to avoid the falling concrete.

You’re the getting the hang of it, sure, but it can be either too much or too little especially working with anything that isn’t electricity.

Despite it all, the worst of it that you’ve seen was a man with a broken leg and a poor Lexus that was already on it’s last breath anyways. You’re unsure about the extent of the material damage.

It’s New Jersey’s fault for being so damn crammed, Nat says, and you want to laugh. It’s her way of assuring you everything would be okay, and you focus on the part of you that believes her.

Despite it all, everyone is alive.

One thing is certain: for the good side and the bad, it’s all your fault.

There are reporters climbing over themselves once the Quinjet lands, and Steve makes his way down first; they all also nearly climb over him too, shooting questions out so fast you can’t keep up.

His broad back basically shields you from them, almost intentionally, which is great because you suddenly can’t breathe and your surroundings are feeling too tight. Damned programming that only works when it wants.

When a stray reporter finally notices you, Sam and Nat are already grabbing your shoulders and towing you away from the crowd.

“We left him behind,” You croak once the three of you are inside the elevator and you catch a glimpse of Steve’s now straightened posture, nothing like the one on the flight back. Nat squeezes your arm in a comforting gesture, but then you look at her and see some dried blood on the side of her face. Bright red as her hair used to be.“He’ll be fine. The news channels love him,” She sighs. “At least more than they do us.”

You’re quite aware of that; you’ve seen some snippets of his interviews on YouTube. He’s always dressed sharp, not a hair out of place. The gleaming smile of America’s greatest hero.

Tony has the TV on when you arrive to the communal living room, Roger’s appearance miles away from that mental image, except for the way he always carries himself at times like these: composed, with a gentle demeanor and attentive eyes.

You hate the diplomatic part of this job.

Despite Stark’s protests, you sink on the expensive leather couch, not having the will to do anything else. Your chest feels tighter, your throat dry; is this what guilt feels like?

Someone could’ve died today.

Either way, it’s your fault.

Steve Rogers moves on to another reporter from another news channel and the one that’s on the TV begins recounting this morning’s incident.

The cameras did you dirty; everything the news got from you is a blurry picture of your face. Your eyes have more white in them than usual, and you could probably benefit from a hairbrush and nose job. Your stance is akin to a cornered wild animal, almost.

You’re not like him at all.

Rogers is back on the screen, speaking into a microphone even though there’s at least three others near his face. You don’t really register the words.

Just accident and comes with the job.

His eyebrow twitches for a single second, but it’s enough to take you back to your shared look on the Quinjet.

“Hey. You really need to go shower before Tony hoses you down right here.”

Natasha’s voice sounds distant from your left - your ear is still ringing slightly, but it’s enough to pull you out of your flat-screen induced trance.

“Yeah— yeah, okay. I’m going.” You get up, but it’s hard not to look at TV again now that they’re showing the aftermath of today’s mission.

Avengers leave warehouse destroyed at Union City: 2 surrounding buildings suffered severe structural damage.

5 people are hospitalized. 8 units have been evacuated.

“Don’t beat yourself up about it too much, okay?” From the right, her voice is somehow distant too - but you can’t blame the explosion this time. “We’ve made worse mistakes. And yours saved all our asses.”

It’s hard to focus on the bright side when you are the accident that comes with the job.

“I don’t think Fox News would love that statement, Romanoff.”

“That’s why Steve does the interviews. He’s good at keeping the peace,” You finally manage to look at Natasha. Her face and hair are clean now; hair wet, a very large T-shirt that definitely does not belong to her hanging from her shoulders. “and they like him more than they do us anyway.”

“‘Cause they think they own him,” You roll your eyes. “and he’s too good to tell them to fuck off.“

Steve’s pleasant façade is back on the screen, and it makes you feel a little sick.

“Wow, you’re starting to sound like you care about him,”

You glare at her, an incredulous noise coming out of your mouth, and you think you might actually be sick. “I’m gonna go shower.”

“Good.” She laughs, and you don’t bother turning as you make your way to your room. “I won’t tell him, you know?”

“Fuck you!”

Natasha laughs harder.

You come out of your bedroom at least an hour later to a quiet, dim-lit floor. Your feet make little sound as you pad towards the kitchen you share with Wanda and Nat, and you don’t bother turning any more lights on besides the one inside the fridge.

You’re like a raccoon this time of the night, hungry for any kind of trashy snack you could get your hands on; it doesn’t help that you tried to speed up the coming down process of your powers and it made your stomach reject its contents.

With your head inside the refrigerator you almost don’t hear the sound of the elevator doors closing shut, and the heavy steps that followed - almost.

Steve Rogers is back at last.

His shoulders are slumped, hair and uniform still grimy from earlier. His face is the worst of all, with dark circles, droopy eyelids and smeared soot from where he probably rubbed it countless times during the press conference.

Eyebrows scrunched up in surprise, as if he wasn’t expecting to run into you.

“You look like shit,”

He breathes out a tired laugh. You half expect him to say it back to you. He doesn’t. “I know. I just wanted some water before I go fix all of—this,”

It’s something logical, really - you’re the one closest to the fridge, so you pour him a glass. You’re not gonna overthink that.

“The news people were here this whole time?” He hums in response, downing the glass of water like Tony Stark would do with a shot of tequila.

“CBS just left a few minutes ago.”

You’re also not gonna overthink about the way he looks at you when you take the glass from him and fill it up again. He drinks it slower this time.

“They’re pieces of shit.” “They’re part of this job. We do ours, and they do theirs.”

“It’s still bullshit.”He chuckles, shaking his head. “Yeah, I suppose it is.”

For once you’re more focused on your nightly snack - tortilla chips and a queso dip you pulled out from the back of the fridge - than Steve’s presence at your side. You’re waiting for him to just to go upstairs without another word.

“How are you feeling?”

It’s so quiet after you can hear your heartbeat speeding.

You meticulously scoop the still cold queso with a tortilla chip before turning to answer. “Me? I’m fine,” He’s assessing you with his eyes, and you regret not covering up more. You pop the chip into your mouth. “Just hungry.’

“Are you sure?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Steve sighs. “I know what you’re doing.”

You scowl.

“Yeah? What am I doing, Rogers?”

“Answering my questions with questions,” He says, running a hand through his dirty hair. “I know you’re using your HYDRA words during missions. During training.”

“So? It’s not like it’s a secret.”

You can tell he’s becoming irritated. Good.

“I know it’s taking a toll on you. Coming down from it, and everything else.” You frown, trying to square up to when he steps closer. “I just— I think you should stop using them.”

“No.”

“Maybe I can talk to Shuri and she can—”

“Really? You want to deprogram me? My powers are already out of control as it is, and you want to remove the one thing that gives me the slightest edge over them?” You nearly snarl, and he closes his eyes.

Neither of you are in the best headspace for this conversation.

You’ve seen the headlines. If that’s what they think of you semi-functional, you wonder what it would be like if you’re not.“Nothing that comes from HYDRA can be for your sake, Bucky is getting be—”“I am not Bucky.” You huff, and you want to throw something at him. And here you thought he was starting to accept you.

“I know. You— are you gonna let me finish?”“No. I’m fine like this—“

“Fine? You’re everything but,” You stare up at him, breaths quickening, waiting to hear him make clear how he thought you weren’t good enough. “You think I don’t know about how frequent your migraines are? About the morphine? The nosebleeds, the nausea, all of it?”

“So what? They’re not as bad with the new suit.”

“And the programming? Reliving that shit, again and again? You can’t convince me you’re tough enough to not let it bother you.”

“I am tough. I am HYDRA scum, am I not? Maybe I’m reminiscing,”Steve scoffs. “You can lie to everyone else. Not to me.”You breathe out through your nose, closing your eyes to fight off your annoyance. You try to remember he took one for the team today, with the press.“It’s fine. I’m finally being useful during missions, just like everyone always wanted—”

“Not at that cost. You don’t need to be useful—”

“Really? Because as far as I know, the only reason I’m still here is to be functional. An asset. This was the deal from the start, do you think anything but that will be enough?”

“It’s enough for me.”

You blink. It feels like the blood has drained from where it had rushed into your head, leaving it empty, your hands clammy. This night has taken such a wild turn you will need at least a couple days to process it fully. Steve and you are standing very close now, so much that your field of vision is nearly entirely filled of him. If you stood on your tiptoes your foreheads would be touching, even if you don’t remember stepping any closer. He looks the way you feel - exhausted.

“Has it ever crossed your mind, Steve, that my failsafe is there for a reason? What if I’m even worse without it?” You say quietly, voicing the fear at last.

“I don’t believe that for a second.” The way he says it makes you want to be a pathological optimistic like him.“Just… think about it, okay?”

It takes you a second, but you nod anyways. He squeezes your arms gently, and you only now notice he’s had his hand cradling your elbows ever since you were within reach.

“What about you?” Your question seems to catch him off-guard, and he tilts his head. “How are you feeling, I mean.”

If you moved your hands just a little, you’d be touching his chest.

“I’m—I’m fine. I’m good.”“Are you sure?”

Steve’s hand is still on your arms, his thumbs caressing your skin like you’re the one that needs comfort. Not that you don’t… but it doesn’t matter either way.

“I do this all the time.” You decide you’ll have to be content with his answer, even if his body language is telling you what his words aren’t. His eyes are soft like you’ve never seen before; at least not directed at you.There’s other things to be concerned about, however: the heat from his hands and the way he looks at you making your knees weak.

He’s so damn close.

“You really need a shower, good lord. You smell like wet dog.”

He lets out a breath. “Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m going now.” Steve says, letting go of you and stepping back, just a little. “G’night.”

He opens his mouth like he wants to say something else.

“‘Night, Steve.”

You’ll never tell a soul about the urge you just had to smother yourself in his arms, and how your queso and chips were forgotten on the kitchen counter as you scurried back to your room.

[staridust]

Ladies and gentlemen, we are floating in space. ★

“ Jack’s never been in space before. It takes a lot of trust to get someone that high, but when Artemis smiles at him, all he wants to do is stay in the starlight. He doesn’t know why their smile affects him so strongly all of a sudden. ”

Or maybe he does know, but that’s a secret he isn’t ready to tell.

This space-tastic special episode of Sunnyverse premiers Saturday morning at 9:30/8:30 central, featuring a song collaboration with Spiritualized.

—

★ DO NOT USE/REPOST WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. NO MINORS.

Hello again space crew, thank you for opening and I’m excited to have you here. ★

Drawing them as songs from their playlist pt. 2, except I got very carried away and messily shaded this thing! Haha.

Giving Jack a space suit was a bit trickier to design than I thought. I wanted to keep all of his signature colors and theme. The swirls are so pretty and simple, yet somehow in my mind I feel like he’s over designed in compared to Artie. Ah… 😭

—

In this “episode”, I believe it would focus more on the middle of the season where Jack is understanding his feelings towards his friend. It’s hitting him like a rocket that just launched off the pad and well— it feels nice! It feels nice to finally come to a realization sometimes.

…too bad he has a date the next day though, and it’s not with them. I think he forgot about that! That’s complicated, no?

But that’s for the next episode.

(I… really really like coming up with ep ideas! It’s silly of me, haha. But.. thank you for your support goobers!)

[vienna-salvatori]

I think the most frustrating thing about this is I don’t even dislike Tattoo? I know a lot of other people do. You’re all valid, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s fine. Just fine! Definitely deserved to qualify for the final! Probably should have been on the left side of the leaderboard, no worries! I wouldn’t even object to a top 10 result! Loreen is a good singer and there is a reason she won the competition with a very similar song before!

In another world, this song would’ve been shuffled into my eurovision playlists like any other decent entry. I’d mostly forget about it until I heard it again, at which point I would remember the stupid fucking panini press staging, grin for a bit, then move on with life.

except I’m so pissed on Finland’s behalf and the way the votes went down that it is legitimately hard for me to appreciate it. I don’t want to dislike it but I can basically feel my opinions of the song shifting to match my opinions of the circumstances. I can feel my opinions of Loreen herself shifting, too, which is really frustrating because I know this isn’t her fault at all, but it feels like she’s stolen it

this is just. not a satisfying result. not for Finland who were completely robbed. not for the entire audience, who voted against the jury so strongly and for nothing. not for Loreen, who must have heard that the crowd wasn’t on her side and I can’t even imagine what that must’ve felt like.

[totomiumiu]

Devil's Minion / Roxy Music

Thank you Luke Brandon Field for introducing me to Roxy Music through your Daniel playlist. I've discovered my new favourite band.

So of course I had to be totally normal about it and make a post imprinting Devil's Minion onto some Roxy Music songs..... I've only included four here, but I may make a second part in the future!

This is kind of mixing show and book canon. 70s Devil's Minion happened until they had one final big break up and Daniel married Alice. Armand thinks on their past together as he watches Daniel in Dubai.

"The boy we met in San Francisco. The one who fumbled over his tape recording device, who barely understood the meaning of the story he was being told. He's still in there, somewhere."

Daniel remains Running Wild. He's not young anymore but he is a bright accomplished reporter who fulfilled his dreams even if it cost his interpersonal relationships. Armand thinks maybe they may fall in love again now that Louis and his' relationship has more than run it's course.

The reason for this post existing thank you LBF for adding this to your playlist. For me its just the whole spiralling nature of the song and its lyrics that does it for me.

I feel this is very much book Daniel vibes purely for the fact that he never gets rid of the proverbial heartache stopping him from having a family, home, and life. Armand haunts and invades it all, chasing him across the world in their dark courtship. Every drop of blood shared between them is a trade Daniel makes, leading him closer to becoming Armand's immortal companion..

Also...

"[...] I like kissing. And snuggling with dead things, yes, hold me."

Freak Molloy you are so crazy to me <3

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

That's how this song with Devil's Minion makes me feel. I have so many thoughts about this song and them it makes me feel insane. I recommend just listening to it and hearing the first section of lyrics as a conversation been show/book mix Armand and Daniel at the penthouse after Louis leaves...

Seeing Armand crumpled on the floor starts to bring back even more 70s memories (DM timeeeee) for Daniel. He helps Armand up, and they coexist for a few days as Daniel gets his affairs in order. Over the course, Daniel regains pretty much all his memories.

Basically, after a lot of deliberation and arguing and hate/lovemaking, Armand turns Daniel before running away, marking the end of the song, but ensuring they both have something to endure for.

This is just a whole episode in my head.

I LOVE THIS SONGGGGG!!!!!!

I feel DM so strongly in this song that I have actually made an edit of it on my tiktok. It's THE 70s DM song in my opinion.

Very Daniel focussed as he seeks out interviews and drugs, meeting Armand again in the aftermath of Louis' interview. Love is the drug, and so is Armand's blood.

[abnomi]

WANTED TO MAKE A POST FOR SONGS I ASSOCIATE WITH TURBO AND WHY!

small disclaimer; a lot of these are themed after pre-roadblasters Turbo for the grimy grunginess that the little parasite emits, but they can work for any version of turbo really! (I LOVE KING CANDY AND KING CANDYBUG A LOT im just drawn to uncanny disgusting men. i have a type apparently)🐛🐛🐛

my turbo spotify playlist yueyewaagghhh

starting off light with a high energy instrumental song :-D RED AND GOLD IS IN THE NAME. LIKE TURBOS MAIN COLOR🏎️ AND TROPHIES AND KINGLINESS 🏆,👑. COME ON!!!!

this song sounds a lot like it would be in a lighthearted racing game, which is exactly where he originated! playful and silly having fun time driving (He did not kill many people!) as a whole its very upbeat and matches Turbo's constant movement i think!

the quieter segment in the middle of the song sounds quite King Candy esque with its more subtle chords....scheming...how devious. it sounds almost royal! Perhaps this is the "gold" they were speaking of in the title, with the rest of the song being "red".....

even the synths align with him in some way, as the electronic sounds can be correlated with coding and video games !!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!

i initially associated this song with Ace from the powerpuff girls, but upon further inspection, i feel like the lyrics align much more with Turbo's character...... "Mess with me, and boy, you're surely gonna die!" and "I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere," ARE SOOOO HIM BROO....

more lyrics that strongly parallel his personality are "I am the plan; I am the man; who tells you what and when you can; I'm the old one that torments you; I am the voice that tells you to..." ARE U SERIOUS THIS SOUNDS LIKE STUFF HE'D ACTUALLY SAY.

also this song is about the american GOVERNMENT being CORRUPT... need i say any more (KING CANDY IS A CORRUPT POLITICIAN)

i heavily associate Primus with Turbo in general because of the heavy bass sounding kind of like a motor and the high energy of the songs being twisted into something more deviant because of how heavy and dark the instruments are. It just makes sooo much sense for his character... EVIL CAR ADHD 🔥🔥🔥🔥

Hoohhh..... ok just replace Mary the ice cube with the players Turbo latches onto so hard, and it sounds like hes grieving the loss of them after the Roadblasters incident. maybe his trophies or winning status could be a stand-in for said ice cubes the song speaks of...

its twisted and sad and angry all at once which i think is exactly how Turbo would mourn. blaming the "ice cube" for slipping away from HIM instead of the other way around, being that he's the one who drove it all away, growing more and more bitter........acidic even

"Nothing ever lasts forever," seems like a mindset he'd carry for most of his life, being why hes so intensely adamant on keeping everything to himself to preserve it for as long as he can. his possessive nature is a cover-up for his fear of it all collapsing on him and leaving him with nothing. he keeps everything close and everyone far 😢...

"It's been declared that it's not wise to prize something too much," sounds to me a lot like a narrator explaining the moral of the story, and in Turbo's case, it fits him as well as a matching puzzle piece. he relied on adoration so heavily that he lost himself.

ok hehehe this one's a little more self explanatory... HE DRIVES A RACE CAR!!!! and he DOES "[drive] so goddamn fast!"

THE DISCORDANCY OF THE NOTES AND THEN THE CRAZY ASS RIFF IN THE MIDDLE IS SO SO GOOD.!!!!!!! matches Turbos energy incredibly well :-D also side note; i love the chop top cameo from tcm2 heehehehee check out Cornbugs if you like Primus and tcm :-3

another little tidbit is the line "stuck in his craw that they made him retire," (stuck in his craw means to be made resentful about something) which i think underscores how deeply indignant Turbo is about the entire Roadblasters ordeal.

"They call me Mr. Knowitall, I will not compromise! I will not be told what to do, I shall not step aside!" this REEEKS of ego and defiance. which is very in character for Turbo!!!!!

this entire song is about this asshole who brags about himself so incessantly to such a degree that it makes him look ridiculous. as intelligent as he is, he is not as much of an admirable figure as he tries to make himself seem, which is made horrendously clear.

there are contradictory lyrics here and there that demonstrate hypocrisy and outright lying, stating things like "I am so eloquent! Perfection is my middle name, and whatever rhymes with eloquent..." when the word eloquent is defined by having a high level of literacy, and "they call me Mr. Knowitall" versus "I MUST be Mr. Knowitall." the way he refers to himself changes throughout the song

ok tehehee i cant lie i mainly associate this song with him because the bass sounds like an engine revving up.

the lyrics are pretty similar to turbos internal struggles though!! "Can't touch the image" and the frequent repetition of the word "nothing" make plenty of sense for who he is. what he wants is unreachable, leaving him hollow; he wants to be untouchable.

this song is really fucking funny its just about some guy talking about how evil and fucked up he is... imagine Jack being Felix or something and it all makes sense. bragging and bragging about how abhorrent he is, the man rambles on about how he kills people and refuses to change.

"I don't mind living without a heart; I like fucking people over for a fucking start" is the intro... like its soooo turbo 🤩🤩🤩 Yessssdss

I FUCKING LOVE MELTED BODIES YO!!!!!!

ANGER AND ANXIETY run RAMPANT in this song which is relevant as ever to Turbo... he cant feel fear without a boiling rage simmering within and thus having a need to defend himself and do whatever it takes to keep himself safe and happy!

"W-I-N-N-E-R!"

THE END OF THE SONG IS LITERALLY TURBO... JUST LOOK AT THIS: "WHY CAN'T I FEEL WHAT IT IS THEY FEEL?; WHY CAN'T I BE WHAT THEY WANT ME TO BE?" "I HAVE AN ITCH THAT CAN'T BE ITCHED; I'VE GOT A SCRATCH THAT CAN'T BE SCRATCHED" his envy of others ability to be effortlessly fulfilled (maybe felix), an inability to be satisfied, not understanding why he isnt "good enough" for the players and wanting to be what they want him to be, etc etc etc....

TURBO INSECURITY BATTLE . DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT HIM?

BUG ALERT 🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰 BUG ALERT 🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰

Yea this one is less personal to who he is individually and more so related to his transformation into the big scary insectoid creature he turns into later on but still!!

According to genius lyrics (😰), this song is from the perspective of "a fly personified as a wandering, self-indulgent drifter." connecting the dots with Turbo.... Yea.....Thats him

This is a stretch but one part of the lyrics sounds like theyre saying "red and white" and thats not what they Actually said but u know... a guy can dream

"How's it feel to get away, You got what you want; It only cost everything, but you got what you want; There isn't anybody left, so face yourself all alone; The truth is sour going down, You reap what you've sown" THIS ENTIRE SEGMENT AAUAGYHHHHHGHHHH. TURBO LOST EVERYTHING AND REAPED WHAT HE HAD SOWN MULTIPLE TIMES...HE REALLY DID... HE DID THAT.

the general chord progression is so chaotic and fast, it feels like going downhill and then back up again which is a lot like how Turbo is in general. all or nothing .. black and white moods with no in between

thats all for now, maybe ill add more in the future we will see :-] let me know ur thoughts..... What do u think.....

[pointyhatspointyears]

Revealing nondiagetic music to be actually diagetic way after is lovely, but what was lovelier was seeing how far fans ran with it.

Also. Hearing entire personal playlists people put together for their beloved characters is lovely. They express their own unique interpretation of these characters when words (and scene direction) fall short. We really had it good with the FMV era. Really hope this goes a little toward bringing it back, despite the copyright laws that were pretty much nonexistent back then.

Anyway my HW -> ShB Ardbert song is Alive or Undead by Powerwolf (specifically Nils Molin's vocals). In my head this is a ballad of his journey with his companions fighting a losing battle in the name of their icon (replace Father with Mother in the lyrics) just to end up undead all this time until resurrected and laid to rest by WoL, and it goes. so. hard. I hear his anger, his despair and his anguish and it's my hc precursor to EW Ardbert's more hopeful song.

Thank you for listening please reblog with a song that makes you feel very VERY strongly about a character. I want to watch the FMV that plays in your head and the lyrics you hear them sing.

[diagonal-queen]

May i request headcanons of lovesick tecchou? :)

yes you can!

Lovesick Tecchou Headcanons

♡ pairing: Tecchou Suehiro x gn!Reader

♡ synopsis: ...read the title bestie

♡ cw: Kinda obsessive and toxic behaviour. Being lovesick is fine but don't hurt anybody!

note: This kind of borders on yandere Tecchou. Sorry if that's not what you wanted T-T and apologies for errors, hope you enjoy x

Tecchou loves very strongly though he may not seem like the type. He can come off as obsessive at times but that's just because he loves you so much <3

He's so extremely protective of you. He wants to be near you whenever he's able to and so most of the time

He gets jealous rather easily whenever you spend time with anybody he considers to be a romantic rival, but he always feels bad about it. He wants to trust that you'll choose him but he can't help his self-doubt.

He makes up any excuse to either have you stay the night at his place, or he stays at yours. Tecchou feels like it's the only way he can keep you safe at all times, and plus he feels lucky to be around you in your most vulnerable state.

He tends to zone out and daydream about your hypothetical future lives together. Jouno can tell when he does this and he's so tired of it.

Tecchou likes to provide subtle but kind acts of service for you. Sharing his food with you, holding open doors, putting a blanket over you when you fall asleep...things like that. He loves the feeling he has when you thank him for that kind of stuff.

While he's working, there are times when he just wants to leave so he can spend time with you. But you're also one of his main motivations as a Hunting Dog, because he knows that in the end he's not only helping the country, but you as well.

His absolute favourite thing in the world is when you two are cuddling one another and he gets to lay his head on your chest while you play with his hair. It makes him feel safe too, and while doing so he likes to pretend that you feel the exact same about him as he does for you.

You're one of the main things Tecchou talks to the other Hunting Dogs about. Jouno listened at first but he's very much started tuning it out by now, as have the rest of the members. You're his biggest distraction.

He's always there for you whenever you're experiencing any troubles, and he'll do everything in his power to fix them for you.

When it comes to your romantic issues though, he can get a little jealous. He'll still listen and console you, but if there's anyone specifically bothering you he is gonna have a word with them.

When I say word, I really do mean word. He might be jealous but he is an honourable and sensible person. If need be he might make a threat or two though, because he just can't help himself. He loves you so much and nobody who would hurt you deserves to be yours.

Tecchou is more than willing to let you borrow his clothes, and in fact he sometimes subtly encourages it. Maybe he left his shirt on your couch or maybe he convinced you not to bring a jacket when the two of you go out, knowing you'll end up needing one and he'll be able to give you his. He thinks you look adorable in his clothes.

He has so many drafted love confessions to you in his Notes app, he's got several playlists dedicated to you, you're his Wi-Fi password. He'll find a way to incorporate you into far too many aspects of his life.

He also memorises almost everything about you. If you tell him something random about yourself, like your favourite food or a bone you've broken before, he'll remember it all. He might also mention it later so you know that he's always listening to you.

Tecchou loves you so much, more than anything. Why don't you love him back?

Taglist~ ♡ @gettinshiggywithit, @fedyushka, @flower-of-darkness, @bejeweledgirl