#but i honestly have no idea i'm just grasping at hope at this point

[nebulousfishgills]

I have slowly been making my way into the asoiaf lore but I’m curious where the backstory on blood raven is🤔

Okay, so I'm no expert or anything, but I'll provide a brief crash course:

Brynden Rivers, son of Melissa Blackwood and Aegon IV Targaryen, known as one of the many Great Bastards. His defining features are his white hair, pale skin, and red eyes caused by being born an albino. He also has a winestain birth mark on his cheek resembling a raven, some say, the origin of the nickname Bloodraven. He was legitimized with his other siblings on Aegon IV's death bed, causing a sucession crisis.

He was a Targaryen loyalist during the Blackfyre Rebellions, I believe a civil war between the Targaryens and the Blackfyres (like the Targaryens but Not) as a result of the sucession crisis. He loses one of his eyes during this war, but he almost never patched it, choosing to keep it out in the open.

He's the last known wielder of Dark Sister, sword of Visenya the Conquerer (currently in Daemon's possession in House of the Dragon) and is a skilled archer.

Under the reign of his half brother Aerys I Targaryen, he served as Hand of the King and Master of Whispers, and then as Hand of the King for Aerys' successor, Maekar I. Eventually he becomes Lord Commander of the Night's Watch until he (and Dark Sister) vanished one day beyond the Wall.

It's not the end for Brynden, though, as he is in fact, still alive during the events of Game of Thrones as the Three Eyed Crow/Raven, the last greenseer. Bran Stark's mentor.

I'm very fascinated by Bloodraven as a character and I think he might be one of the coolest characters in the ASOIAF universe.

His wiki provides more in-depth information:

[rationaliity]

progression | aventurine blurb

loving aventurine was as easy as breathing to you, something incredibly hard for him to grasp. he didn't get it at all. when he first walked into your life, he had this arrogant mask up, another one of his well preserved fabrications to protect himself. he was snarky to you. not necessarily rude, but he wasn't afraid to bare his fangs and show you that he was capable of hurting you if he needed to. he wasn't afraid of hurting anyone. another gamble he was putting his faith in, that he wouldn't be put in a situation where he would have to hurt you.

you loved him during that stage. every sarcastic 'friend' he tacked on to every sentence like it was more of an insult than anything else, every boundary that he crossed of yours, every little lie he spun to keep you at arms length, trying to protect you from his teeth. words hurt less than his bite. and yet, you were there for him even when he was sure he would have pushed you away, and it unnerved him.

" aventurine ~ " you called out from behind him to get his attention, before lightly jogging up to him, standing by his side. not in front of him, but beside him. " i know you might be busy today with business as usual, but i was hoping that you were free this afternoon ? there's this new coffee shop that opened up, and i though- "

" coffee ? sorry to disappoint you, friend, but i am busy this afternoon, " he shook his head, as if dismissing the idea outright entirely.

" oh, that's okay ! i'm still able to say hi right now while we're walking, so that's enough, " you chirped, but he could hear the unmistakable sound of disappointment and sadness in your tone, making the guilt inside of him at being the one who caused your unhappiness eat him alive. but the look on his face didn't change, his walls too big to penetrate.

he did find you at that coffee shop, though. " oh, hello, friend- " he had called out, approaching your table, sitting next to you without even asking. he saw your eyes light up, and for a second he felt the warmth in his chest burst forward, his heart beating against his ribcage. " what good fortune that i was able to finish my tasks a little while ago. i didn't think you would actually come here alone. " there was a hint of confusion in his voice, but it was masked just as quickly as it came.

after this interaction, aventurine got a little awkward with you. what was he expected to say ? what did he do if he wasn't trying to push you away ? he was clumsy with his words, often just silently nodding along as you talked, and sometimes bringing up tiny points. he wasn't good at conversation when it wasn't to serve an agenda. being in survival mode his entire life, he had no idea how to be social, much less to someone as kind as you.

no matter how much he stumbled and fell over his own words, you treated him the same. he approached you cautiously, as if he was afraid that one day you would get sick of him and throw him out of your life permanently. was his personality too much for you to handle ? was he doing something wrong ? he wasn't sure, this was uncharted territory for him. all he could do was throw his dice and hope for the best outcome, something that was so comforting now unnerving. he could bet every single one of his chips, every possession he owned, including his own life, but you ? betting on you felt like one risk he wasn't willing to take.

" hey- i was at this shop a while ago, and i was hoping that you'd want to visit ? with me, of course, " aventurine asked, trying very hard not to look how pretty you looked right now, how your smile made his heart flutter every single time without fail. " i saw something i thought you might like. i wanted to get it for you but i don't know your size. "

" oh ? yeah, i'd love to go with you ! " you agreed immediately, as if everything that you were doing before this was suddenly unimportant. " but you really don't have to pay for me, honestly. i can take care of myself. "

this through him for a loop, and he hid it well, but aventurine had no idea what that meant. did you not want him to pay for you ? or were you just trying to be modest ? it wasn't like he was hungry for money, it was fine on his pockets, and he didn't mind spending if it meant spending on you, of course. besides, what did you want from accompanying him if it wasn't to buy things ? that's what friends were for, right ? it was a mutual beneficial agreement between two people to be friendly with each other to gain something from another, right ?

he was pretty sure that was how it was to be friends, but you challenged all of that. especially when you bought him a drink from a shop. he'd just mentioned it offhanded that he could go for some boba tea, and you had agreed, saying that it would be really good right now. and then you bought him his ? that's not how that was supposed to work, he was sure of it. why would you go out of your way to pay for something for him that you yourself wouldn't even get to enjoy ? he was willing to buy you things to keep you around him, but you didn't need to buy him anything to keep him around.

the possibility that you didn't want anything from him other than his time and himself was confusion, but refreshing.

eventually late night outs became late nights inside, and aventurine found himself in a precarious position, on your couch, your body on the other side, cuddling up against a pillow. the intimacy of the situation felt like it was choking him. and he finally got the courage to ask you the question that plagued him - why ? why did you care ? why did you try so hard ? what was in it for you ? putting your bets on him was a foolish decision that he couldn't rationalize. even he didn't bet on himself.

" because you're worth it, " you shrugged a little, the answer's simplicity wiping everything from him. all of his fears, his confusion, his doubts, just for this moment. right now, he understood. you never pushed him out of his comfort zone, and let your companionship evolve naturally. he didn't even realize he had let you inside of his shell before it was too late. " because you deserve it. "

he thought you were worth it, too. trusting you, putting his faith in you even though you had the ability to hurt him. it was worth it. you were worth it.

[caraetdeul]

If It's All In My Head, Tell Me Now

Choi Seungcheol x fem!reader

The third time you forgave him.

TW: angst, angst, angst!!! Hurt/no comfort, somehow toxic relationship

A/n: third part is finally here! Hopefully I can finish this whole series before Scoups' birthday next week cuz I don't really want to celebrate it with this fic hurting my heart 😭 fair warning, this wasn't proofread in any way. it was just me and Grammarly against the world so I'm sorry if there's any discrepancies or mistakes throughout the story. Anyway, if you want to be tagged in the last part, feel free to tell me! Enjoy reading caratdeuls!

Btw, it can be read as gn!reader but there are descriptions of feminine clothes and things.

~Main Masterlist~ | ~Series Masterlist~

If you could sum up the last few days ever since you had that dinner date, it would be somber.

You never thought your relationship with Seungcheol would ever reach this point. In fact, you never even thought there was any chance of your relationship actually coming to a point like this. If someone were to come up to you a year ago and tell you that all of these would happen to you, you would’ve laughed in front of their faces and carried on with your life. That’s how much you trust the foundations this whole thing was built on. But now, seeing the cracks forming on the walls of your desolate home, you doubt if the both of you were ever on the same side of the fence in the first place.

Sipping on your coffee, you sat quietly in one corner of the cafe you stumbled upon on one Monday afternoon. You honestly had no idea how you ended up here as you lived on the other side of the town. But you really only have your wandering thoughts to blame when you decide to take a stroll to take your mind off of things. In which you clearly failed to do so based on your current predicament.

You don’t know how much time has passed since you first sat down. But based on how the lights from the restaurant across the street were significantly brighter than the dark skies and the fact that you started strolling when the sun was still shining down on you, it was safe to say that you’d been there for hours now.

Putting down your mug, your eyes wander to your phone on the table which has been left unattended ever since you sat down. You slowly reach out for it, trying your best to suppress the hope of seeing a specific notification pop up on your phone. But even then, you couldn’t help but feel the disappointment settle deep in your bones when you were faced with a dozen notifications, and not a single one was from him.

You sighed dejectedly, turning it off and putting it back on the table face down. Checking the time on your watch, you realize you haven’t eaten anything properly since breakfast. Thankfully, the cafe you were in also offers whole meals on their menu.

You then stood up from your table—thanking the heavens that the cafe wasn’t bustling at the time or else your table would’ve been stolen the moment you left it—and stepped in line with other paying customers. It wasn’t long before you reached the front of the line and finally got back to your seat with a receipt for your purchase.

As you waited for your order, you went back to staring out the window, ignoring the distinct ping of new text messages going through your phone. You continued nursing your almost emptied-out mug as you watched droplets of rainwater racing each other down the window.

You were in a limbo.

The grey area between life and death.

No up or down. No left or right. You can only move forward at this point but how do you expect someone to do that when you can’t even see ten feet in front of you. How can someone move forward when the comfort of the life behind you latches on to you with the promise of a life you’ve been praying for for as long as you can remember? 

But with the struggle of a drowning body, you gasp for air at the realization that maybe you were the only one grasping for any semblance of the previous life you once had with him. Maybe you were the only one in this relationship that has no clue of its inevitable demise while he was already safe and sound in a bunker house somewhere you don’t know. Maybe, hoping it’s a maybe, you were the only one in the dark as you tried to resuscitate the dying embodiment of your relationship when he had already signed the dotted line on a DNR order.

While your shaking hands and watery eyes were fighting with the urge to fall apart in the middle of an unsuspecting cafe, you could hear Seungcheol’s unburdened laugh echoing into your ears. You were then slammed with the thought that maybe you were losing it with the amount of caffeine you consumed throughout your stay. You were about to slap your face into reality when you heard his laugh again. This time, it was clear enough that you realized it actually came from outside the cafe and not from your muddled mind.

With wide eyes, you searched for him through the window. It didn’t take you too long before your gaze reached Seungcheol’s distinct figure across the street, internally grateful for the rain that minimized the number of people walking around at the time.

In all honesty, you didn’t expect him to be actually here right in front of you. By all means, you were pretty far from your home, and as far as you know, this was even farther from his place of work. But here he was, laughing with some of his friends in front of the restaurant.

Probably his coworkers, you thought, recognizing some of the faces that he was with. There were 4 of them entering the restaurant including Seungcheol and by the looks of it, they were probably celebrating something with the way they were patting each other’s backs with smiles plastered on each of their faces.

As if on cue, your order arrived just on time as your phone rang, your brother’s contact flashing through your screen. You thanked the waiter before answering the phone once she was out of range.

“Hey,” you answered, connecting your Bluetooth earpiece so you can continue the call while eating, “What’s up?”

“Did you hear about the news?”

Confused, you put your utensils down before replying, “What news?”

“Your little boyfriend just got promoted.”

Your eyes widened as shock and pride coursed through you. So that’s what that whole thing was about, you thought looking back to their group who were currently seated at the restaurant where you conveniently have a direct line of sight from your place at the cafe.

You focused back on the call, your lips curling into a smile as you replied, “Oh my God, that’s great news!”

“Yeah, I know!” he exclaimed, “The whole thing was honestly in the works for quite a while now and everyone’s just basically waiting on the announcement. So it was really only a matter of time before Cheol got promoted and now, it’s official!”

You chuckled at his enthusiasm. Your brother has been a big fan of Seungcheol ever since he started working alongside him. In fact, his random stories about him as you both nursed some wine after a long day were what made you interested in Seungcheol in the first place. So the night you invited Seungcheol to a dinner with the family as your new boyfriend, it was safe to say that your brother was probably the biggest fan of your relationship. So much so that you weren’t even that surprised when his usual “my little sister’s new boyfriend should be scared of me” talk was still filled with compliments towards his so-called idol. And as you listen to him rant about how much Seungcheol deserved this promotion from the other line, there is no doubt he is still his biggest fan.

“By the way, I’m about to meet up with him along with some of our coworkers to celebrate,” he shared, “You should come with us! I’ll text you the address.”

Swallowing the last of your food, you answered, “Oh, sure!” You heard your phone ding with the new message from your brother, sharing with you the location of the restaurant which was unsurprisingly the one across the street.

“Should I pick you up on the way? I’m already down at the parking lot,” he suggested.

“Oh, no need. I’ll just meet you up there,” you replied, hearing the sound of his car door closing through the phone call.

“Okay then, see you there. Love you!”

“Love you too!” you responded before hanging up. You finish up your meal as fast as you can, buzzing with excitement from the news. Scrolling through your contacts, you pressed call on Seungcheol’s contact. As the phone rang, you watched through the window as you waited for him to answer your call. You wait with bated breath as he finally looks down on his phone. From your point of view, you can barely see your photo flash through his screen when he silently presses the red button before going back to the conversation he was previously in.

Scrunching your eyebrows, you flinched away from your phone as you heard the automated response enter your ear from where it was placed before. You don’t know what to make of that. You swallowed down the undesired thoughts that you were struggling with just a while ago which were currently resurfacing. You decided then to finally stand up from your seat with your bag on your shoulder, crossing the threshold towards the cafe’s doors.

Stepping out under the night sky, it then dawned on you that you currently didn’t have an umbrella on you and the rain was pouring down harder than it was an hour ago. You looked around for anything that you could temporarily use as a cover but all you could see were the sign stand indicating today’s specials in the cafe and a trash bin near a lamppost. You debated whether or not you could borrow the sign for just a moment but decided against it. It was a really cute sign with flowers and manually drawn drinks all over it that you didn’t have the heart to ruin with rainwater and frankly, you weren’t in the mood to try and outrun any of their employees once they saw what was happening.

Taking a deep breath, you put your bag over your head before making a run for it. You almost slipped twice as you ran and you probably look like a mess now with your drenched clothes and your hair sticking to your body but you were just thankful that there weren’t cars speeding down the road at the moment. You then successfully managed to cross the street safely, puffing as you took cover under the restaurant’s canopy.

Making sure you were still decent-looking enough even though you could already feel the cold of the rain seep through your clothes, you were about to step into the restaurant when you were stopped by the scenario in front of you. Blinking, you stood idly as you watched the group before you. Between the time that you finished your meal and got out of the cafe, their group got bigger with more people joining them. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue for you as you’ve already met some of them before whenever you accompany Seungcheol at a company event, but right now, you were having a hard time accepting what was happening right in front of you.

You knew deep down that you shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions because either way, you knew there wasn’t any desirable outcome from doing so. But seeing the way a woman was snuggled onto Seungcheol’s side and him not doing anything about it was certainly not helping your raging thoughts.

You immediately hid yourself on the side of the door, a panel of wall separating the huge window from the glass door. Glancing back inside, you bit your lip despondent at the sight of the woman laughing wholeheartedly at something Seungcheol had said, her hand reaching up toward his hair and sweeping the front strands away from his face. As if that wasn’t enough to destroy your heart, you watched with a shaky breath as Seungcheol faced her, the most dazzling smile gifted from him to her. The very smile you thought was only reserved for you.

Shock and betrayal were written all over your face as you slowly stepped away from the wall. The sight in front of you feels like a sticker on your favorite book with how hard it was to take your eyes away from it. You gripped your bag tighter, white knuckles showing as you felt the heavy downpour finally meet with your body once again. It was hard but you were finally able to feel your legs, enough to have the energy to walk away from it all.

You felt your lips quiver and your eyes blur with pain and heartache, the cold from the rain deciding to have a duel with the cold from your chest that was rushing through every part of your body. Fighting with their every breath to take the place of being the harshest thing to happen to you tonight.

But even then, both lost the minute your phone pinged once again with a new notification. It was a group picture showing Seungcheol in the upper right corner with his arm wrapped around the woman’s shoulder as everyone smiled, their happiness seemingly doing their absolute best to wrench the life out of you. You didn’t have any fight in you left to react to the picture. You can only shut your phone off and traverse your way back home with a heavy heart and ruined makeup.

Taglist: @moonwonuu @belladaises @porridgesblog @sasaapportela

[detachedminxsfics]

Farmhand

Masterlist

Characters: Negan (Dead City) x F!Reader

Summary: When Negan spends a late night out in the barn and doesn't return to his room you go to convince him to turn in for the night, but Negan has other ideas.

Word count: 4K

Warnings: NSFW - Dry humping, fingering, vaginal sex, riding, choking, praise, dirty talk, negan's usual foul mouth, dom negan

A/N: I am so sorry it took me so long to finish this but I hope the wait was worth it, this one got pretty dirty but it's cowboy Negan so it just HAD to be. As they say, save a horse ride a cowboy!

The leaves beneath the soles of your boots crunched with every step, the breeze whistling through the trees as you walked through the forest. Negan was right at your side, as per usual, his eyes occasionally glancing towards you and his head lifting in search of any signs of trouble without the obscurity of the brim of his cowboy hat. You'd been on the road for a few weeks now, just the two of you. You'd first bumped into Negan a few months ago when you arrived at a small farm settlement way out in the countryside, the people there having been kind enough to offer you refuge, and you chose to repay their generosity by helping out on the farm wherever you could. That's when you met Negan. He'd already been there a few months when you first arrived it seemed, the people there having gotten pretty comfortable with him and Negan himself having gotten accustomed to his routine. And from the moment you walked through the doors of that barn and saw him hunched over a hay bale, tattoos on his arms and the muscles flexing with every movement, the veins running up the backs of his hands and forearms and his forehead glistening with sweat, you were hooked. He straightened his back with a groan and grasped the fabric at the bottom of his tank top, lifting the hem to drag the material over his forehead and mop up the sweat that had gathered there, the lift of his top revealing the trail of hair starting from his belly button and stopping at the depths of his toned lower abdomen. Your eyes travelled to the dark curls of hair at his chest, and you couldn't tear your eyes away from the deep v-lines framing his hips sitting prettily above the waistband of his low waisted jeans.

"Oh, hey." The sound of his voice interrupted the way your eyes were shamelessly roaming over his body, and you subtly cleared your throat.

He let go of his top and ran a hand through his slightly damp, dishevelled hair, slicking it in the process.

"I don't think I've seen your face before, you new here sweetheart?" He asked as he bent down and reached for something off to the side.

When he leant back up he had a beige cowboy hat in his hands which he naturally placed on his head.

"Pretty much just got here last night, feeling real out of my depth." You replied honestly, your uncertainty making him shake his head with a chuckle.

"No need, you'll fit right in. And I'm guessing you're already on the right track if you walked all the way over here to see if you could help these fine folks out."

You nodded, and Negan gestured with his head in the direction of the pile of hay he was handling.

"C'mon then, give me a hand with this."

That was all he had to say, and from that point onwards you seemed attached at the hip. Always trying to be on the same job as the other, always offering to be partnered on a supply run, so you suppose it was only a matter of time before you relieved the unspoken tension between the two of you one way or another. Negan's room was only across from yours in the farmhouse so you could hear when he opened and closed the door to his room to settle in for the night, but he hadn't yet. You got up from your bed and peered out the window, the view giving you a nice overlook of the farm. You could see some of the crops that had been planted in a plot of land off to the side and the moderately sized cornfield near the barn, the moonlight from the night sky illuminating the front of the barn enough for you to make out its slightly ajar doors, and a sigh left your lips. Negan. You threw on a denim skirt and slipped on some boots, making your way out of your room and the farmhouse to walk all the way down to the barn, carefully peering into the space in the doors and stepping into it a little. Negan was leaning over the workbench in the far corner tinkering with something. You could barely make him out in the dimness of the barn, small beams of luminescence creeping in through the occasional window. It was as you got closer that you were able to discern the cowboy hat on top of his head. It always suited him.

"Late night?" You said as you stepped into the barn, hay crunching beneath your boots with every step.

Negan lifted his head the moment he heard your voice, his eyes meeting yours. He chuckled and placed the tool he'd been grasping in one hand down on the workbench, straightening his back a little and slightly tilting his hat back to wipe the sheen of sweat that had gathered on his forehead with the back of his hand.

"Yeah, something like that."

He gave a long, exhausted sigh that prompted you to make your way over to him until you stood beside him, your eyes curiously glancing over the workbench for a moment. It just looked like scrap, at least to you.

"What you working on?" You asked, making Negan shake his head with a smile.

"Nothing really, just some piece a' shit car part that I thought I might be able to fix up. I'm not really a handyman typa guy, but I thought I'd give it a shot."

You nodded and then took hold of one of Negan's tanned forearms, the feeling of his skin on yours burning you up from the slightest touch, and gently tried to urge him away from what he was messing with.

"C'mon Negan, it's getting late. You can screw around with that tomorrow." You pleaded with him, but he stood firmly in place as a small laugh escaped his lips, his head tilting a little.

"And what are you doing up this late yourself, hm? Cause something tells me that you didn't wake up just to check whether I made it to my room or not, or are you really all that worried about little ol' me?" Negan teased, the deflection of your suggestion making you laugh.

"Okay smartass, I was already awake. I was having trouble sleeping and I gave up, so I thought I'd come see what you were up to."

Negan raised his brows playfully and placed his hand over the back of the one you were using to hold his arm, slightly holding it in his palm.

"Oh, what kinda trouble?"

You knew he was just avoiding facing the possibility of giving up what he was doing and turning in for the night, but the delay was sure as hell gonna work.

"I get dreams about this...guy."

His eyebrows quirked up even more than they had before, the shit-eating grin on his face widening in an instant and his eyes lit up like a kid on christmas morning.

"Really, just some random guy?" He quipped doubtfully.

You scoffed and tried to drop your hand from his forearm, to which you did, but he kept his hand pressed over yours.

"Yeah, a guy, Negan."

You'd piqued his curiosity, and there was something hidden in your words that had his tongue dragging over his bottom lip.

"Well, what happens in these dreams of yours?" He asked seemingly innocent enough, but it was full of ambiguity.

He reached up with his free hand and swept a strand of hair behind your ear, eyes looking you over beneath that beige cowboy hat still sat proudly atop his head, and the silver of his stubble looking as good as ever. Your eyes filled with something inviting, a coy smile on your lips as you tilted your head.

"Why do you wanna know, Negan?"

He shrugged and feigned total ignorance to the exact reason he was so obviously prying, but the grin on his lips gave him away.

"Can I take a wild guess, darlin'?"

Now it was your turn to be intrigued. Your eyes bore into his, his hand still holding yours and your line of sight occasionally getting carried away and landing on his lips before returning to his gaze. You nodded. In a calculated movement Negan gently closed his hand around the top of your throat and guided your lips to his, your lips crashing and allowing you to feel his mouth against yours. You couldn't help but moan into it, eyes fluttering closed as you tasted him. His other hand found its way to your waist to pull you in closer whilst he licked your bottom lip in an attempt to coax your lips apart, and you did. His tongue slipped into your mouth, your tongues entwining for a moment until you pulled back just enough to break the kiss, lips still barely brushing and your breath shaky as you struggled to find air.

"So?" Negan cockily teased as to whether he had nailed the nature of your fantasies yet or not, and while he was well on his way to getting there, he hadn't just yet.

"Not quite there yet, cowboy."

He paused for a moment before he let out a small, throaty chuckle. He moved his hand from where it had been resting on your throat and reached down to hoist you up by your thighs, your legs instinctively wrapping around his waist and your arms wrapping around his neck. His lips captured yours once more as he brought you to the workbench and rested you on it, one of his hands sliding up to hold the nape of your neck and deepen the kiss, his groans spilling into your mouth as you tightened the grip of your legs around his hips to bring his clothed bulge against your panties; your skirt having rode up when he lifted you and now bunched at your hips. He broke the kiss and gave a small grunt as you rolled your hips slightly and created some friction, his hand reaching down to rest just above your knee and then slowly glide up your thigh, an idle grip in his hand as he did that caressed your skin as he went. Negan's hand continued even when it reached the denim of where your skirt had gathered, his hand slipping under your skirt and giving the very top of your thigh a squeeze before he moved his attention to your panties. A small gasp escaped your lips as his index finger teasingly traced a line through your clothed slit, the thin cotton damp and clinging to your cunt with how much you'd soaked your panties from the mere feel of his lips on yours.

"Damn baby, you're so fuckin' wet." He whispered gravelly against your lips, his mouth so close to yours you could feel his hot breath fanning against your lips as he spoke.

"Please." You practically choked out, your small plea making his lips curve into a dirty smile and move your panties to the side.

"Yes ma'am." He husked.

He dove beneath the fabric at the side of your panties and slid one finger in at first, the sensation making you throw your head back until you were resting against the wall behind the workbench, Negan's hand still holding the nape of your neck. He pumped his finger inside you a few times before adding a second digit, the slight stretch around his fingers making you moan and lift your head to meet his eyes again. He had that damn cowboy hat still sitting on his head as he fucked you with his skilled fingers, moving his fingers in and out of you at a fast, pleasurable pace that you could barely comprehend, your moans gradually sounding more like whimpers. His eyes bore into yours, the glazed-over look of dark lust they were filled with making you spread your legs a little further and angle yourself to get his fingers deeper. He curled them slightly as you did, the immediate unrestrained whine that would follow becoming muffled against his lips as he pressed them to yours, the hand on the back of your neck allowing him to deepen the kiss and his fingertips slipping into your hair to comb through the strands. Every touch left you feeling breathless, every pump of his fingers further clouding your mind until you could no longer care for the dangers of getting attached to someone like this in this ruined world. You had wanted Negan since the moment you saw him, and now you had him if the way his fingers were buried in you was anything to go by.

"Shit, I could listen to those pretty noises all day, sweetheart." Negan whispered against your lips, purposely curling his fingers as he did to draw another sweet moan out of you, and you knew you weren't going to be able to take this any longer if he kept this up.

Unfortunately, Negan seemed to pick up on that too. He removed his fingers from you much to your verbalised dismay, lifting his hand and slipping the two fingers glistening with your wetness into his mouth, his tongue swirling over the tattoos on his knuckles and a pleased hum of approval escaping his lips as he tasted you.

"You're as delicious as you look, y'know this farm girl get up is really doing it for me." Negan commented as he withdrew his fingers from his mouth, and you were starting to think that you might have passed out in your bed and this was another one of your dreams after all.

"Oh? I bet I feel as good too." Such crude words sounded so good coming from your mouth, the sudden confidence making his brows perk up in a mix of surprise and twisted curiosity.

"Is that so? Hell, now I gotta know."

He removed his hand from your hair and reached up your skirt to hook his fingers into the waistband of your panties and begin working it down your legs, tossing them aside when he had gotten them off the ankle they'd tried to dangle from. His hands were quick to work at his belt, the metal of his belt buckle clinking slightly once it fell loosely on either side of his fly, to which he was quick to unbutton and undo the zipper on his jeans. Negan was so impatient he didn't even bother to get his pants off, he just worked them down his legs until the denim pooled at his feet, his boxers next to join the pile. Once his top was hurriedly discarded too his hands found their way to the tops of your thighs as he dragged you to the edge of the workbench and stepped into the space between your legs, his eyes locking with yours as he pushed inside you and used the grip on your hips to further guide you onto him. The stretch was incredible, your mouth falling open and a noise you weren't sure you'd ever even heard before spilling from it.

"Is that better, baby?" Negan cooed, your only response being the frantic nod of your head.

His thrusts started off slow giving you time to get used to the feel of him, his breath getting heavier and small grunts forming in his throat with every thrust, and then he reached up in an attempt to remove his cowboy hat.

"Don't you dare." You playfully warned as you snatched his wrist to stop him making Negan chuckle and lower his hand again.

"Alright alright, guess the cowboy hats stayin' on."

You closed your legs around his waist again as he started to move his hips a little faster, locking your legs around his waist and tightening your grip every time he thrust as deep as he could go, the sensation making Negan screw his eyes shut and throw his head back slightly exposing the vein running along the side of his neck and the way his adams apple protruded from his throat. You flattened your palms against the wood as you leaned up and started kissing your way down his throat starting with the underside of his jawline, lightly running your tongue over the lump in his throat once you got to it.

"Fuuuck honey, you're gonna be the damn death of me." He sighed, his head lowering to look into your eyes when you pulled back after placing a kiss above his collarbone.

Dark hair adorned his chest, an intricate skull tattoo situated to one side as his chest rose and fell at a rate almost as fast as yours. You couldn't help but run your hand down his chest, his skin burning red hot against your warm palm.

"Well shit, I'm not as young as I used to be." Negan quipped breathlessly with a small smile as his hand moved to cup one side of your face, his thumb stroking along your cheek.

Your hand affectionately raised and settled over the back of his, though the intent in your words was not as sweet as your gesture.

"Get on the table then, cowboy."

You barely gave him time to react as you wrapped your arms around his neck and tugged him down, flipping as you did so now you were straddling him. He landed on the wooden surface with a small thud, a cocky laugh filling the air as you braced your hands onto his shoulders while he straightened his back, one hand pressing in on your waist and the other on your lower back to help you get comfortable on his lap. You adjusted slightly until you were sitting on your knees, legs resting on either side of him and hovering over his lap. His hands grasped your hips as Negan guided you down onto his cock, the angle allowing him to fill you up much more than before and the feeling of fullness once you fully sank onto him nothing short of pure ecstasy. You clung to him and tried to even out your breath, your eyes locking with his as he reached up and gently took hold of your jaw only to lift his hips a little, a sick smile spreading across his lips as his tongue swept over his bottom lip and a desperate whine came from your lips.

"Go on then my little cowgirl." He drawled, his thumb tracing across your bottom lip.

You started to roll your hips as you lifted yourself up and then sank all the way back down onto him, the sounds the two of you were making and the noise of skin slapping against skin filling the thick air of the barn, only worsening when you found a rhythm that Negan only made that much more euphoric as he lifted his hips in time with you. Negan's hands moved to cup your ass as you started to bounce, the workbench rocking from the force and banging against the wall behind it, his fingers dug into your skin hard enough to leave marks.

"God, you feel so fucking good bouncing on my cock." He rasped, the dirtiness of his words only fuelling you that much more as you rode him.

Negan wrapped his hand around your throat as you bounced on top of him, his grip firm as he squeezed just enough to allow the lack of oxygen to bleed into the immeasurable pleasure, the veins in his hands prominent as he lightly choked you. The hand cupping your ass kneaded your cheek before he drew his hand back and delivered a harsh slap to your ass, your skin stinging from the impact and the surprise of it drawing a small squeak out of you. Negan chuckled as you did and slapped the same cheek again a little harder than the first, though this time the noise that came from your lips was more of a depraved cry. He was surely leaving his mark on you, embellishing you with a stark red handprint on your now sore skin.

"Good girl." He crooned.

His praise alone almost sent you over the edge, your legs starting to quiver as he wrapped his arm around you and started to thrust into you relentlessly, pounding you as you hover over his lap.

"Negan, oh fuck." You choked out, your pleasure filled sob muffled when he crashed his lips against yours and continued to fuck into you mercilessly, the arm around your waist keeping you pressed firmly against him.

"That's it, baby, that's it." He whispered throatily between kisses, and that was all you needed.

Your lips parted but no sound came out, just your breath catching in your throat as your orgasm washes over you, the sensation knocking the strength right out of your legs as your knees buckled leaving you fully sitting on him. Finally, the moan tore from your throat as he gave a few more hard thrusts while you tried to ride out your high, his eyes half-lidded with lust when he slid his hands down to grip your hips and lift you off him so he could spill onto your inner thigh, a guttural groan leaving his lips whilst warm droplets splashed on your skin. Still catching his breath Negan removed the cowboy hat and ran his hand through his hair, placing it off to the side so he could lay back onto the workbench, the way you were pressed to his chest bringing you with him. You let your head rest against his chest and could hear the way his heart was racing against your ear, your breathing starting to even out as you briefly closed your eyes and focused on it, his chin resting on top of your head all the while. After a moment you felt his fingers combing through your hair while his other hand moved to rest on the small of your back and draw circles.

"Hey." Negan muttered softly prompting you to look at him.

You lifted your head to comply with his unspoken request, a kittenish smile playing on your lips as you moved slightly further up his body so that your face could hover above his, propping yourself up on your elbows. Some of your hair fell to obscure one side of your face as you did which Negan reached up and tenderly swept behind your ear.

"You are so beautiful, sweetheart." He whispered, the flattery only making your smile a little wider as you leaned down till your lips were mere inches from his.

"And you are one handsome cowboy." You playfully hummed, barely able to finish what you were saying as Negan pressed his lips against yours, the kiss much slower and fervent than the sloppy and heated ones you'd shared before.

You were just basking in the company of one another. The feel of your body laid on top of his and his skin hot against yours, the feel of his lips moving on yours making your mind even foggier with need for him. You didn't care that someone might wonder why neither of you had made it back to your rooms in the middle of the night, that someone might come to find you both draped over a workbench and tasting one another to your heart's content. All that mattered was that you had each other.

"And that was one hell of a ride, might I add." Negan pulled back to joke, your noses still brushing from the closeness and his crude comment making your laughter come out in the form of a snort.

"Shut up."

And your lips were on his again.

[ask-the-rag-dolly]

ok the askbox is open. im taking this opportunity to say ohhhhh im going crazy over the narrative constructed here. specifically with how audience (anon) interaction is intertwined with the main conflict.

because its like.. we are inherently a BAD THING. yes, some of us are actually malicious, but even if we do have kind intentions, and only want the best for ragatha.. just being there is a negative impact that outweighs any positives. we are a parasite, after all. and technically, the only positive action we could do is to simply.. stop engaging. leave the askblog alone. leave ragatha alone. except we could never do that, because we're too curious now, too attached- we want to see how the story continues, how it ends. we cant leave well enough alone, we just have to know. we need to know. so the cycle will continue nonetheless due to our nature. and we have to watch as our main character, the person we're rooting for, gets worse and worse. knowing that its our fault, because we're choosing to engage. we're choosing this path of pain. because we're curious, and that curiosity would kill us if we didn't feed it.

and of course its on a tadc tumblr ask blog of all things lol. no hate btw. im here enjoying it after all! though honestly i say that like this had any opportunity of existing outside of the askblog genre... or even the tumblr landscape itself- i feel like the anon feature itself is also a big part of this sort of narrative, as it allows those actively malicious anons to be even nastier. because it distances us from our actions. like.. we're given a mask, something that obscures our true identities (both to the other askers.. and to ragatha to an extent, as most all look the same to her. who knows, maybe that one supportive anon trying to cheer her up is the same one also encouraging her downfall! she cant tell!)- a thing that wipes our hands free of any consequences. a chance to become faceless and untraceable- so of course some people will indulge. be as horrible as possible. because, hey, its not like you'll be getting any consequences for it! no way to trace it back to you! no way to be held accountable! you can just sit back and watch the fire you made grow higher. more bright. thats the main goal, after all- to make a spectacle! to move the story along and make it exciting! thats the only thing that matters to you. that its entertaining. not the people you'll be harming in the process.

anyways sorry for the fucking. essay. in your askbox. i like talking and also i fucking love dissecting meta-aligned narratives like this. gggrrggrgrgrrrr chewing on this blog like a chewtoy. i hope everyone gets worse and this whole blog blows up!!!!!!!

i can't stop giggling at ' its on a tadc tumblr ask blog of all things ' . this was really originally supposed to just be a silly blog with little story but here we are . you really won't get this anywhere else

i get pretty happy when someone dissects this silly thing so no need to apologize !! i'm my own harshest critic when it comes to this blog so it's often difficult for me to grasp what meaning people get out of this lol truly thank you guys for wanting to see my insane , Unhinged ideas come through

and i love the dissection on the mean anons - a lot of this thing hinges on actions having consequences after all ! every little thing will have an impact on ragatha's mental state . i'll say i think the anons have potential to not be as harmful - as there was a point in the blog's time where they acted more like inner therapists to ragatha than reality-bending beings of chaos ( good times ) . it just really depends on being patient with an actually mentally ill person like ragatha - it does fascinate me how people's frustration with her echoes real life mental health situations .

but yeah thanks !!! i'll be kissing this essay and pinning it on the refrigerator that i call my brain (:

[lost-estradiographer]

I

know that voting for the status quo sucks.

To say it "sucks" massively understates the exact amount of suffering that exists under the status quo, an amount that I acknowledge I am too privileged to ever fully grasp.

I cannot magically provide some viable third-party candidate just barely a month before the election. I cannot solve Israel/Palestine Conflict that has haunted the world for over 70 years. I am a 29-year old transgender woman working her way through her own mental illnesses, trauma, and an undergraduate degree. I was never going to be the one to solve anything here.

All I can tell you is that regardless of whether you vote or not, there will be a presidential election. It's going to be a shitshow, regardless. Whether you vote or not, there will be a different president in January. Voting for the status quo may not be directly in your interests.

We had four years of Trump and we are still trying to unfuck ourselves from that. The beginning of my antagonistic relationship with the government was protesting in the streets of DC under his administration. I've fled from the Metro PD. I've put on a change of clothes and slipped out the back door of a gay sports bar.

Fucking vote.

Fucking vote.

Fucking vote.

Honestly, I

I don't want to see this voter apathy shit anymore.

People are going to keep dying under any president. Any president can, and probably wil, be morally culpable for the deaths of innocent people, both in the country and abroad. Carter might be the last president we had that wasn't overtly a war criminal and we still had foreign civilians killed by U.S. military involvement under the Carter admin.

I'm torn between asking you to block me, or asking you to message me, if you're taking the route of voter apathy. I'll tell you right away, here and now, that I probably don't have a solution to whatever problem is keeping you from voting for Harris. I can't even solve my own problems right, tbh. The government isn't really here for me, either.

But there isn't going to be some sort of miraculous revolution that results in The Ending Where Everyone Lives. If there's a revolution, then supply chains will falter and children and the infirm will die of preventable diseases and infections and complications in hospitals that would have otherwise been able to easily deal with such things. That's what happens in a revolution. I'm after the long-term idea where Humanity as a species lives. I'm after the route where we don't have an ending, we keep going.

Fucking vote, because exactly one of the two leading presidential candidates believes climate change is real, and it is the single greatest threat to all life on earth. We have spent the past 250 years, not just playing God with the environment, but actively creating an ecological niche in which future generations of humanity must continue to play God with the environment, dragging it back to a healthy place drop by drop, inch by inch, a degree at a time.

Or, I mean, don't vote. Either way, we'll all die at some point. Perhaps some of us will be lucky enough to die standing by our principles.

Those lucky few will become soil one day, just like I will.

I am begging you on my hands and knees to fucking vote, though, because our options are The Status Quo vs. Worse. That's

That's it.

There is no door number three right now. Our system, our flawed and broken and imbalanced and unjust system, does not accommodate for a third door. Whether you vote or not, you will be dragged through either Door 1 or Door 2 with all of humanity, as we whirl through the cosmos upon our tiny little speck of dust. The only other legitimate option is to allow oneself to become trampled; to become soil early. I don't say legitimate to give this option legitimacy, but to make clear that again, there is no door three. Door three is a casket. A one-way bed.

I didn't vote in 2016, and I'm hoping that you'll vote for the status quo this time, because that's the route that gives me the best odds of having a long and healthy life to regret my failure through inaction.

Just please

Fucking vote.

Or again, if you're taking the apathy route, probably just save me the time of blocking you, because you're not going to magically pull a viable third-party candidate out of your pocket less than six weeks before the election.

[mylovelies-docx]

Sorry, I Love You - Part 14 (END)

I AM PUTTING AN END TO YOUR SUFFERING!

Thank you all so much for sticking around for this story! I'll admit I lost steam during my hiatus, but I'm glad I finally found the time to finish this for you guys.

This story took so many twists and turns that I was not expecting - I honestly had nothing after the first few chapters planned, I just let my brain run with whatever it came up with. And it FINALLY wormed its way to a in my opinion satisfactory conclusion.

Hope you all enjoy :)

Plot: You and Bucky have a good thing going - best of friends that also have more than a little chemistry between the sheets. Everything is fine until you develop feelings for the man who doesn't want a relationship. What will happen when Bucky finds out?

C/W: FLUFF, EMOTIONAL HEALING, SMUTTTTTT (in a FWB fic? No way). 18+, MDNI

Word Count: 2,470

You wake to the feeling of Bucky’s hand gently shaking your shoulder.

“Do you still want a bath? You can always take one tomorrow,” he murmurs to you. 

You hum and nod your head, still determined to wash yourself before crawling under the covers of your bed that you’ve missed oh so much over the last year.

Woah, you think, it’s been a whole year since I left?

You look up into Bucky’s eyes as he hovers over you. There are dark shadows under his eyes now and his hair is shorter than it was this time last year, even if it has grown out in these last few months. His face is weary, tired from his lack of restful sleep, but his eyes are soft as he looks at you. You can see something in his gaze that wasn’t there in all your intimate moments prior to this: there’s something soft, tender, where there used to be only lust.

Your heart beats a staccato rhythm, excited and hopeful at what you think – what you believe – that look means. You reach up, placing one hand on his jaw and swiping your thumb across his cheek.

“Help me?” you ask tentatively.

Bucky’s eyes widen a fraction, and you see his throat bob as he swallows hard. His face crumbles slightly as he looks down at you. “I can get one of the nurses?” he proposes instead. “Or Wanda and Natasha if you’d like.”

You shake your head softly and continue to look into his eyes. “I want you.”

He sucks in a breath before taking you by the hands and gently pulling you to sit up. He slides down onto his knees in front of you and holds your hands tightly between his own, as if he’s afraid that you’ll take them away.

“I…” he starts. “I know there are still some things you don’t remember. People, and places, and events that are missin'. There’s… there’s somethin’ that happened between us – there’s somethin’ I did to us.” His eyes had been on you while saying this, but now he looks down at your clasped hands and starts fiddling with your fingers in nervousness. “I’ve said things to you that I never should have – hurt you in a way that you didn’t deserve. You don’t ever deserve to be hurt. ‘Specially not by me, not by things I say.”

Bucky blows out a breath and looks back up to your eyes. “We were… together. Last year. I asked you for somethin’ that I never should have because I was selfish. And you are so good, such a good person, and you agreed even when it was a bad idea.” 

At this point, you retract one of your hands from Bucky’s grasp, feeling him tighten his hold before letting you go. You place that hand back on Bucky’s cheek, cupping his jaw and feeling the movement as he speaks.

“Then you told me that you liked me,” he breathes. “You told me somethin’ so amazin’ and sweet and somethin’ I should have cherished, but I didn’t. I got mad and I pushed you away – pushed you so far away that you weren’t even on the same continent, doll.” Bucky’s breathing is ragged, but he still looks into your eyes, begging you to see the truth and feelings behind his words. 

“When you came back, I told you I was sorry. But I didn’t get to finish what I’d been plannin’ to say because then you-'' a breath, “then you told me you didn’t love me anymore - that you realized you had never liked me in that way, just got caught up in what we were doin’.” He reaches one hand up and holds onto your wrist. “I was gonna tell you that I felt the same way you did – that I liked you and wanted to try again. But after you said you didn’t have feelin’s for me, I realized I couldn’t do that to you – couldn’t put you through my shit again.”

“Bucky,” you whisper, but he doesn’t let you finish.

“So we went back to bein’ friends and I was just happy to have you back in my life again. Glad that we could talk and hang out like we used to. Then we met Petre on the mission and I – I got jealous.” Bucky bites his lip and shakes his head in agitation at himself, his actions. “I got jealous because you were always with him, because he got to be with you and talk to you. You kept laughin’ at everythin’ he said, smiled at ‘im. And I said more stupid shit, more hurtful things to you. And then…”

Bucky pauses for a moment before moving both his hands to your waist, gripping your hips with one thumb swiping over the part of your shirt that hides the scar on your stomach. “Then you got hurt and I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there to protect you and I almost lost you.” Tears well along his lower lashes, but don’t fall.

“You died,” he whispers. “I had to give you CPR ‘til the rest of the team showed up. Then I just watched you lay there in the jet on the way back. Then your surgeries. Then as you were in and out of a coma for two months. I couldn’t let you out of my sight,” he sighs out. 

Bucky’s arms slide from your waist and go around your back before lowering his head down until his forehead rests on your chest. He continues, words muffled by your body. “I was so afraid you’d disappear again. That you’d leave me and not come back and I could never tell you how sorry I was or how much I love you.”

You circle your arms around him and lean over his body where he’s wrapped around you, heart hurting at the pain you both have been dealing with.

“I know,” you whisper into his hair. “I remember.”

Bucky leans back, looking into your eyes once again. “And you’ve let me do this?” he questions. “Dealt with me not leavin’ you alone and smotherin’ you?”

“You’re not smothering me,” you console, pushing his hair away from his forehead and scratching his scalp. “I missed you so, so much. I just wanted you to hold me like you used to, even if you still didn’t feel the way I do.”

“What do you mean?” he wonders, eyes darting between your own, searching for an answer before you give it.

“I lied,” you say. “I lied when I came back. I just thought it’d be easier on the both of us if I told you what you wanted to hear – that I didn’t like you and that we could go back to being friends.” You smooth the lines that appear on Bucky’s brow as his eyebrows furrow. “I knew I loved you last year. And I still love you – I think I always will.”

“Yeah?”

You smile at the hope in Bucky’s eyes. “Yeah.”

“I love you too, darlin’ – always will,” Bucky mutters as he slowly closes the distance between your faces. “I’m sorry it took me so long to say it.”

You shake your head and continue to smile at him. “You’re worth the wait, Buck.”

Bucky’s lips connect with yours; tentative at first, trying to remember the rhythm the two of you used to have. It comes back quickly, muscle memory working and getting you both reacquainted with one another’s kiss.

You feel Bucky’s hands slide up from your back, caressing your arms, shoulders, neck, before holding onto your face, keeping you in place as he slides his tongue against your lips before slipping it inside your mouth.

You hum at the familiarity of the action. You spread your fingers against Bucky’s chest, feeling his heart beat hard against your touch.

Bucky rises, lips still on yours, and pushes you further onto the bed. He guides you backwards until you’re lying under him, one of his legs between your own. He snakes a hand under your shirt, massaging your breast. You gasp into his mouth when he gives a quick pinch of your nipple between his thumb and forefinger. Needing to feel more of you, Bucky removes your shirt and bra so that he can lavish kisses onto your breasts, sucking your nipples into his mouth and tugging gently.

You slide your hands down, down, down his abdomen, hooking your fingers into the waistband of his jeans. You run your index finger against his skin behind the metal button before popping it open and pulling the zipper down. You tug Bucky’s pants until his cock springs free, already hard and hot. You grasp it in your hand, slowly stroking him.

Bucky groans into your mouth, kissing you harder. Without warning, he backs off of the bed. You start to protest at the loss of him, but he just grabs your hips and pulls your leggings and panties off your body in one motion. Cool air caresses your moist folds as Bucky pulls your legs apart. He settles himself between your thighs, mouth leaving a trail of kisses from your knee and down, down, down to your core. He breathes you in before licking a quick swipe up your crease.

You twitch at the sensation, not having been touched by anyone in so long. Your hands grasp Bucky’s hair, pulling him further into you. He uses his fingers to part your folds, delving his tongue into you. You pant helplessly as he works you quickly toward the edge. He remembers exactly how to make you come, and it seems he’s on a mission to make it happen as quickly as possible.

Wetness collects under Bucky’s tongue, dribbling down onto the sheets below you. Before you reach your peak, you try to push Bucky’s face away.

“Bucky - unh,” you cry. “I want you.”

“I’m right here, doll,” he mutters into your core, continuing to lick and thrust his tongue. “I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

“No,” you say. “No, I want you inside me. Please, Bucky.”

Bucky moans into you before leaving one last kiss and crawling up your body. He tugs his shirt over his head and kicks his pants completely off, pulling your legs so that the inside of your knees rest against his hips. He begins to lay down on you, his elbows resting beside your head and chest coming flush with yours, but you wince.

“Gentle, baby,” you plead. “My ribs are still a little sore.”

Bucky immediately rises up and places a soft kiss on your lips. “Of course. I’m sorry, Doll.”

You shake your head and pull his lips back to yours. “Don’t be sorry.” You circle your hands around his waist and tug his hips closer to yours. “Just go easy on me.”

Bucky lines himself up with your entrance and slowly pushes inside, watching your face as your body acclimates to his after so long apart. Your lips part and your breaths come in pants as you slowly open up around Bucky’s girth.

He caresses your face, smoothing your hair back so he can see your face clearly. You catch his eyes as he looks down at you and you give him a happy smile. “I’ve missed you,” you whisper, massaging the back of his neck. 

Bucky slots his lips against yours and kisses you deeply. “I’ve missed you more,” he replies. You both smile into the kiss while you adjust. After a few moments, Bucky pulls away to ask, “are you ready?”

You nod your head and plant your feet more firmly against the mattress, knees still resting against Bucky’s hips. He slowly pulls out inch by inch until the head of his cock is all that’s left. Then, he pushes back into you, the rigid head and veins sliding against your walls and sending pleasure through you. You sigh in content, relishing the feeling of having Bucky inside you again.

Bucky takes his metal arm and pulls one of your hands away from his neck to place it on the mattress, twining your fingers together as he continues to pump slowly in and out of you, making sure to angle himself just right so that he drags against your walls where you need. 

You make love slow and gentle, neither of you in a rush. You take your time touching each other’s bodies again, exploring the places your hands and mouths still remember. Bucky kisses your jaw and down the side of your neck, suckling on the tender spot just above your collarbone. 

You arch your neck backwards to give him more room, but he takes the opportunity to untwine your fingers and move his metal hand between your bodies, cool thumb making circles around your clit. You release a whine, your body stiffening up as the coil inside you tightens and then dissolves, sending waves of pleasure tingling along your nerves. Your walls flutter and pulse around Bucky’s shaft and he grunts softly at the pressure, the vibration of the noise tickling your neck where his lips still rest.

You grab his face in both hands and bring him back up to you. You pepper his face with languid kisses – his forehead, cheeks, nose, eyelids, and finally his lips. You lick the inside of his mouth, your tongues sliding against one another. 

Bucky gently bites your lower lip and sucks it into his mouth to soothe it. He continues to thrust into you, your body still tingling from your first orgasm and swiftly approaching the next. You start to quake in Bucky’s arm from the overstimulation, but you still yearn for him. You begin to gasp and whimper, the noise rising involuntarily from you. 

Bucky kisses you one more time and moves his hand to the small of your back, raising your hips up to meet his. You keen at the new angle, toes starting to curl.

“You got one more for me, doll?” Bucky gasps. “Come on, pretty girl. Come for me.”

Your body heeds Bucky’s command, shivering around his cock once more. Feeling your pussy gripping him so tight, Bucky comes with you, his warm seed coating your walls and seeping out of you.

You lie together for long moments, staring into each other’s eyes and breathing deeply, lips connecting every few seconds for more kisses. Bucky lifts you up, cock still buried inside you, and turns so that you’re lying on top of him. Your legs straddle his waist and your head rests on his chest, listening to the thud of his heart. 

You lay there until you’re almost asleep, but Bucky kisses your head and picks you up to carry you to the ensuite, where he re-runs the bath with hot water and another lavender bath bomb. He places you down into the steaming water and climbs in behind you, where he takes his time lathering you up and washing your hair. You lean into him and surrender to the affection.

After you’re clean, he dries you off and slips his t-shirt over your head. He carries you back to bed and pulls the blanket over your body before sliding in beside you and pulling you on top of him once again. He places one hand in your hair to massage your scalp while the other smoothes over your back. 

You both lay together in a contented, blissful quiet. You fall asleep with the knowledge that whatever comes your way, you and Bucky will work through it.

Together.

Fin

Tag list: @jackiehollanderr @rabbitrabbit12321 @12345sebby @blackwood-bodecker-housewife @lauraashley93 @themorningsunshine @happinessinthebeing @nash-dara @calwitch @stany0url0calwh0res111 @pono-pura-vida @learisa @introverbatim @kentokaze @marvelogic @kaz11283

[snowblack-charcoalwhite]

The way Condal, Hess and co write certain characters, especially Alicent, just makes them look like some kind of aliens who cannot comprehend the core of human nature and familial bonds (motherly love, sibling dynamic...) . I mean, fine, maybe they aren't parents honestly have no idea about their private lives nor do I want to know ), but that still doesn't justify the atrocious manner in which they have been portraying Alicent's relationship with her children. And I dislike the explanations that come from one part of the fandom (she married against her will, never wanted those children, never felt freedom...) I mean, I don't deny these, but they are not enough to explain or justify her weird (and sudden imo) detachment and dare i say, borderline hatred of her sons. Not to mention that this was the life of westerosi women, basically every one of them. Also, Ryan talked how Alicent and Viserys had "a loving marriage, just weren't in love " and generally holds Viserys in high regard, so he obviously doesn't see him as Alicent's abuser or anything. That's why i cannot understand what is the point of showing her so disgusted by her children and incapable of showing them love. Otto's influence? Maybe, but still not the greatest explanation. And she seems even harsher and distant to her sons this season than Otto ever was to her. She doesn't seem broken over Jaehaerys, she doesn't seem overly upset over Aegon (he's burned alive and is dying ffs and she won't shed a tear), Aemond is apparently an ireedemeable monster in her eyes fur some reason, even before RR... It's so frustrating that there are people who eat it all up and justify it as a genius and subtle storytelling with a lot of details that we "the whiners" refuse or are unable to grasp. Idk, I really liked her in s1 and although she was a bit inconsistent in ep 8 and 9 I hoped it would be retconed. Unfortunately, this season I'm watching a character I don't recognise anymore. And the worst thing is that she doesn't suffer from a lack of screentime like Aemond or Helaena do. Almost everything on tg revolves around her and yet I still have no idea what is her goal or who she is anymore.

Sorry for the rant.

Hello!

I could not agree with you more. Not sure if some kind of personal/family circumstances of HotD writers played a role in them fumbling the Greens family dynamic so badly but I am convinced that their "women good men bad" narrative policy did.

In "Driftmark" Alicent orders for Luke's eye to be cut out (and immediately, in public) - and then attacks Luke and Rhaenyra herself. But a few minutes (in show time) later she repents - and after that, apparently, she is all for "violence is reserved for men" agenda. That's where her disdain for Aemond (in whose name she was about to commit a public act of violence herself) is supposed to come from, I think. It doesn't even feel like she is horrified precisely by the fact that he might have almost killed (deliberately at that) his own brother. Lack of consistency and logic? Yes. Obliviousness at best, hypocrisy at worst (from Alicent, I mean)? Yes. But who cares, right? Alicent does not support the evil deeds of men - and that's what matters.

And her treatment of Aegon looks even more moronic. Girl, you put him on the throne against his will! After her meeting with Rhaenyra she knows it was a result of a misunderstanding (the favourite trick of this show, dammit - but it is a topic for a whole another conversation) but how is Aegon to blame for it?

I can relate to Alicent growing tired of being used and manipulated - but IMO (I agree with you here as well) this is not a good enough excuse for her to fully go into the "fuck yourselves, the lot of you" mode. But for the writers it is, at least it looks like it. They were trying to sell us the bullying of Aemond by Aegon (combined with the former's desire for power) being a sufficient motivation for Aemond to get rid of his brother (during the civil war where they are supposed to be on the same side no less) - and now they are trying to justify whatever Alicent does with her being a child bride and so on and so forth. I have no love for Viserys (or sympathy for Otto - where it comes to him pimping his teenage daughter out to the king) - but turning Alicent into this and expecting everyone to eat it up? Come on. Even some casual viewers are going "WTF" watching Alicent's scenes with her children, never mind those who are familiar with Fire and Blood.

And double yes to the point about the show very heavily focusing on Alicent to the detriment of many other characters (Aemond first of all). It feels like the writers believe that all that audience is supposed to know about Aemond now is that he is a bad guy - and they give him just enough screen time to show that. Meanwhile Alicent has loads of it - just so we could get a really good, really long look at her face and understand just how bad patriarchy failed her.

So, as I see it Alicent is now no more than a means to the end of hammering home the main idea of the show. How does she do that and what happens to her character in the process is unimportant - at least, to the writers and showrunners.

Sorry for the rant as well🙈

[urlknight]

Hi there, Love your work! I'm also doing stuff in Unreal and it feels like it's rarer to find other indie devs using it. I love how clean all your UI feels, and UI is something I seem to really struggle with.

Do you have any recommendations for workflows / tips / sources etc for getting better at UI?

Also I'd love to know more about the material / shader workflow for your latest post if you have more information anywhere.

Thanks :)

Hello there! Thank you!! I hope you don't mind me answering publicly as I feel like some people might be interested in the answer!

I really appreciate your UI (User Interface for those not knowing the acronym) compliment as it's something I've spent a long time working on and specializing in, in my career as a software engineer. UI/UX often goes completely unacknowledged or taken for granted even though it takes a lot of time and hard work to create and develop. In the engineering world I frequently had to advocate for and explain user experiences to those who didn't have as deep of an appreciation for UI or a very sophisticated understanding of why a good, visually appealing user experience makes, or on the flip side, can break everything. I think it's a very challenging, overwhelming topic to grasp and communicate, but just by being interested in it you're already way ahead!

There's a lot going on with UI. From visuals to knowing common design elements to successfully conveying a story to the user to implementation to testing to designing for accessibility to animation and I probably didn't cover everything with that run-on sentence. There's frontend engineers out there whose role is solely to maintain and improve UI component libraries for companies. And that's without throwing games, whose UIs are all uniquely visually tailored to their experiences, into the mix... I could keep going on about this honestly, but I'll get to what I think you can do personally! 1. Learn about common design patterns. What's a toast? What's pagination? What's a card? Little things like that. These apply to all software UI/UX, including video games- and knowing these off the top of your head will make it so much easier for you to invent your own UI designs and patterns.

2. Study the UI in the everyday applications you interact with. Step through menus and think about how you got from point A to point B. Take a moment to think about the why someone put a button where they did. Study the UI in your favorite video games, too! Take a lot of notes on what you think works really well and what you think doesn't. And also there's online resources that are great for inspiration. I personally spend a lot of time on the Game UI Database. - https://dribbble.com/ - https://www.gameuidatabase.com/ 3. Don't be afraid to start with basic sketches or even just simply representing everything with grey boxes. All my UI starts out as really crappy sketches on paper, or tablet sketches on top of screenshots. Visualize your ideas and then keep iterating on them until you've got something. For example, I went from this:

To this. (And come to think of it I might actually still want to make those cooler looking buttons in my sketch) 4. Break everything out into pieces and individual components. A good UI is made up of building blocks that you can reuse all over the place. That's how it stays consistent and also saves you a lot of stress when you need to go in and update components. Instead of a million different looking UI pieces, you just have to update the one! These individual components will make up your very own UI Component Library, which will be the standardized design system and source of reusable components for your project. This also applies to your visual elements that don't do anything (like I personally have a whole mini library of diamond and star shapes that I reuse everywhere).

For reference, here's a breakdown I made of my Inventory UI. On the right, I've labeled most of the individual components, and you might be able to see how I'm reusing them over and over again in multiple places.

5. Spend some time listening to designers talk, maybe befriend some designers! Many of them have an unique, interesting view of the world and how we interact with it even beyond just software. Their perspectives will inform yours.

6. Test your UI on users whenever you can. Get feedback from others. This is the best way for you to see what works and what doesn't. As game devs we spend so much time with our games it's easy for us to lose sight of the full picture.

7. Be patient and don't give up. Continue to be open to expanding your knowledge. These UI skills take time to develop. I personally am still learning even after like 10 years of doing it. Coming up with the visual elements is very challenging for me and I spend a lot of time rearranging things in photoshop before I actually start coding anything at all in Unreal.

Whew, that was a lot, but I hope that gives you some thoughts and a place to start!

I don't have any posts out there about Blender/Unreal shader workflows right now, but I'll consider making another post sometime soonish. I appreciate you asking and you're welcome! :)

[admrlthundrbolt]

Do It All The Time (Hisoka x Chubby Reader x Illumi)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Hisoka and Illumi realize that they both want to catch your eye. How far will they take the competition for your affection.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi guys, I'm back at it again. Bringing the throuple energy, but with a gender neutral reader this time. I really think that these guys would just date who they're interested in, regardless of gender. Any who, hope you enjoy.

Also sorry for the late post. I'm getting over being sick. So with that and the holidays, I honestly forgot what day it was.

---------------------------------------------------------

He was watching you again. Letting his gaze slowly rake over your plush form. Imagining how pliable and soft you would be under his fingers. He shuddered at the mere thought of how you would feel.

“You know, you could get your work done faster if you paid attention.” You would never understand how Hisoka got any work done. He always seemed to be in his own world.

Turning to you, with a smug look on his face, he reveled in the attention you have him. Only for his expression to sour when he noticed an interuption.

Illumi placed a hand on your shoulder as he stepped behind you. “Yes, I have to agree with (Y/N). You would be a better employee if you kept your mind on the set task.” His gazes attempted to pin the other man in place.

He didn't enjoy the obvious challenge, or the fact that he still had a hand on you. “Maybe i’m just talented enough to focus on more than one thing at a time.” He placed on a false smile and placed his hand on yours.

Sliding yourself out of both of their grasps, you faced the duo. “Be that as it may, efficiency is a likeable quality in any coworker.” Heading towards the door, you glanced over your shoulder and raised an eyebrow. “Plus not pissing off the boss is even better.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was on their walk home that Hisoka decided to retaliate. “Agreeing with them isn’t going to make them view you as more attractive.” He cut his sharp gaze over to his roommate. Only to see that his expression was as blank as ever.

Without even a look at the other man, he kept a steady pace towards their apartment. “Being an agreeable partner is always a sought after quality. It also doesn’t matter, because they were right. You do lose sight of what’s important, if there is a more entertaining option.”

While he wanted to argue, he knew they were both right. But that didn't mean that he couldn't get a little petty revenge, as pay back that is. A smirk slid over his face at the idea. “Perhaps I should ask them about what they looks for in a partner. Yes, over lunch would be a good option.”

His visage never shifted, however his hands balled into tight fist. “That might be a good idea. I could make a pasta dish.” Illumi held back his annoyance, he wanted to be the one to invite you over.

His eyes crinkled in amusement. This was better than the previous thought. Originally he wanted to ask you out in front of his roommate, but to bring you over to their place. Well that would be an entertaining gambit indeed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy that it was the end of your work week, you took your time with the final task for the day. It was better to hold off on finishing early, than getting over loaded at the last minute.

This made the unexpected visit from Hisoka a pleasant surprise. “What a nice coincidence. I could use a break.”

His brows rose at the statement. Then a teasing smirk came across his face. “Weren’t you just reprimanding me on taking work more seriously?”

Rolling your eyes, you pointed at a near by clock. “I still feel that way, but when it’s this close to the weekend. I tend to make an exception.”

Leaning his hip against your desk, he leans towards you. “I see.” Then he flick two fingers forward and producing a piece of paper from thin air. “We want you to come over for dinner tomorrow. I want to spend some time with you.” He had to hold back a giggle. Imagining the face Illumi would make if he heard the conversation. They had agreed to say the pair wanted you to come, but that didn't mean that he couldn’t pull you in his direction.

Thinking it over for a moment, you realized it would be nice to get to know them better. At work it felt like every time you weren't busy, was spent with them. “Ok, sounds fun. What can I bring?”

Bringing his face closer to your own, he said. “Your beautiful body.” Walking off, his smirk widened. He couldn't wait to tell Illumi how it went.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Though they wouldn't admit it out loud, the pair was nervous for your arrival. Hisoka had put more effort into tidying the place than ever before. While Illumi cooked a simple, but none the less delicious pasta dish. All that was left to be done now was fidget as they waited for you. It wasn’t a silent wait though.

“Did I tell you the whole conversation we had?” The smug expression on his face was one of his most antagonistic.

“Yes, you have. Several times in fact.” The same passive look as always, all the while he was seething inside.

Before the ‘discussion' could become physical, a knock came from the front door. The men shot a look at each other, then scrambled to be the first to greet you. Trying to trip or shove one another, it took longer than necessary to get there.

Illumi was the first one there, due to a well aimed jab. As he opened the door, he couldn't help but drink in your luscious figure. The way your outfit was a complimentary drape over a goddess such as yourself. If only you would give him the chance to worship you.

“Hi, I hope you don’t mind if I brought dessert.” You held up a white box with a twine tied around it. “I know Hisoka said to not being anything, but there is a great bakery near my place. I stop by there when I get a chance and it's nice to share it with others.”

Without missing a beat he said. “That must be what makes you so sweet.” He enjoyed the amused look you had.

“I should be saying that about you guys. It was so nice of you to invite me over.” You stepped into the apartment and placed your hand on his arm. “Seriously, I don’t get out much. So it was a pleasant change to get an invite.”

Your genuine smile shook him to his core.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was delightful. Hisoka brought out a bottle of red wine, while Illumi dished up pasta with a red sauce. Everything was filling and immaculate. The issue started after the plates were taken away.

“Darling, I told you to only bring that luscious body of yours. You didn't need to trouble yourself with dessert.” He laided a hand on your own and gave it a gentle squeeze.

Shaking your head you smiled. “Nonsense. I had to pay you both back for the lovely invitation. It’s the least I could do.” You looked over to the other man. “Especially after your excellent cooking. Do you think you could give me the recipe?“

Illumi was beaming from your attention. And Hisoka could tell. The man was seething. How could you give your affection to anyone but him.

A gentle smile settled on his face. “It's a recipe my father made for my mother. It was one of her favorites. Though he always undercooked the pasta, but that didn't matter to her.”

You were surprised that he was sharing such intimate information. It was rare to hear him mention anything about his family. “That’s so sweet. And for you to carry on with someone you care about. I’m honored to have had the chance to try it.”

He was going to tell you that he was happy that he could continue the tradition with you. Until Hisoka decided it was time to move on.

“Why don’t we adjourn to the living room for a movie.” He pulled you from your chair and guided you to the couch. Shooting a glare behind you at his romantic rival.

The man raised a brow and followed the both of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The movie picked was a stereotypical action movie. Basic save the world plot, but with enough fire fights to hold your attention. That would be if you weren’t sandwiched between two men. They seemed to be in a battle to see who could cuddle you harder. The red head had pulled you against him and wrapped an arm around you. While the other leaned into you and played with your fingers. You saw this as them becoming more comfortable with you. They saw it as an opportunity to war for your physical affection.

Every shift that happened, caused the cuddling to become more intimate. Hisoka would run his nails along your neck and scalp. Illumi traced random patterns in your palm.

Suddenly the nails left your head and he said from behind you. “If you’ll excuse me for a moment.” He went in a direction of the apartment you hadn’t been to yet.

Sitting up a bit more, noticing the displeased grunt from the man in top of you. “Do you want us to pause it?”

Smiling at your concern, he shook his head. “No, we’ve seen this before.”

Settling back down, your eyes went back to the screen. This meant you didn’t see the warning look that he sent the man lounging on you. Not one to step down from a challenge, he circled both arms around your waist. Scoffing, Hisoka continued to the bathroom.

Now that he had a few moments alone with you, he was going to take advantage of it. Looking at your face, he couldn't help but admire you. It was like your features were made just to make his heart race.

You glanced at him, to gauge what he thought about the sudden plot twist. Only to discover that he was watching you rather than the screen. “What’s on your mind, Lumi?”

He held back a shiver at the nickname. The first time you called him it, he felt his heart skip a beat. “About how lucky I am to have you in my life.”

You say up full at that statement. “Oh. I feel the same way.“ Pulling him into a hug, you were glowing with happiness. To think, before you started working in the same office as these two you were a wall flower. They really helped you blossom.

As the two of you pulled apart, he thought this would be the perfect time to confess. He leaned forward and captured your lips with his own.

You settled into the kiss and laided a hand on his chest. Until you regain your wits and pushed him back. “What are you doing?”

Then a voice came from across the room. “He’s being an impudent little brat is what.” He casually strode back to the couch. “I can’t believe the second I leave the room, you pounce on them. That's something I would do.” He smirk down at the two if you.

Illumi gave him a raised eyebrow and said. “I was just seizing an opportunity. As you stated you would have done the same.”

You scrambled off the couch and took a step back. Looking between the duo confused. “What is going on here? Shouldn't you be pissed?” Gesturing to Hisoka, you stood there befuddled at his reaction.

Brows knitting together, he frowned in bewilderment. “Why would I be? It was only a kiss, I should still have a chance at courting you.”

Running your fingers through your hair, you shook your head. “Wait I don't understand. Your not upset that you just caught your partner cheating? “

What happened next built onto the oddity of the situation. Both men started laughing. Hisoka gave a belly shaking cackle and Illumi quietly chortled.

The red head was the first to compose himself. Taking a deep breathe, he held a hand to his chest. “Darling, were best friends and roommates only. Sure we’ve tried dating in the past, but it always felt as if something was missing.”

Illumi nodded. “When we met you, we became enamored. Most people wrote us off as odd, but you welcomed us with open arms.” Glancing between you and his friend, he said. “We realized that we both wanted to be with you romantically. So we competed for your attention.”

As you stared at the pair of men, you couldn't help but feel a pit in your stomach. “I like you both, a lot. I didn't know it until now, but I think i’ve subconsciously been harboring feelings for each of you. I just didn't want to come between you. Even now knowing that you aren’t dating. It still seems like i’m straining your relationship.”

Both men stepped forward and without a word to each other, they embrace you.

“Darling, you could never be a bad thing for us.” Giving a look to the other man over your shoulder, he took a step back. Seeing that his roommate had yet to let you go. He knew this would be a good suggestion. “Why don’t we try a relationship together?“ He saw you go to protest and held up a finger. “Not you and I only, the three of us.”

Illumi perked up at the statement. “Yes, I would find that most favorable.” Then he looked up at you with a puppy like expression.

Looking between the two, you realized just how much you liked them. Grabbing Hisoka's arm, you brought him back into the hug. “I guess I wouldn't be against that.”

Hearing an explosion from the TV, you noticed that the movie was still playing. Dropping on the couch, you pulled the pair on top of you. They immediately wrapped themselves around you and settled in.

The noise of the movie and all of your breathing filled the room. Until the dark haired male decided to gloat. “I kissed them first.”

Smirking over at him, Hisoka said. “There are a lot of first to come.”

Tapping both of their arms, you felt your face flush. “Hush, both of you.” Wiggling further into the cuddle pile.

All of you thinking of what this blossoming relationship could become.

[soulfulazrael]

Who am I and what I write. The tale of a weird as all Hell fanfic I put too much time into about an odd ship.

So... If anyone here cares I am a Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss fanfic writer (and I am 23/24 year old. Depressing isn't it?). Although I can't exactly call myself the biggest fan anymore. I do love the potential those series have and the ideas in them, but I am not a nut over the execution. In fact I say it is pretty bad in many respects and I think Viv and her writing team do not utilize the full potential of what they have on their hands.

What I want to do is well... Do something I would prefer this world they created to be. So I make several odd as hell Fics. Or at least one now. As you can see from the image about Stella and Moxxie (art btw is made by talented @Caffe1neW1tch on twitter). Now I know, I KNOW how she is in the show... I can explain my case. I do change her character quite significantly from what she is in canon show (as I do so with MANY other things). To something I would prefer her to be. Something while still deeply flawed being more dignified than what she is in Helluva Boss season 2 as I think the direction they took her character was severely disappointing. I can't say they retconned her, but I have to say they went overboard with the direction she was taken. Way too far into just pure Hate Sink. Something I would prefer if it wasn't done at all with a character tied to such a potentially interesting conflict.

Not to mention the direction Vivienne took the world of Hell and it's characters... I must say. I do not enjoy how easy it is to say who is good and bad in both of her shows and how similar Hell is to Earth. It honestly robs the setting of it's potential as it is perfect place to explore some deeply disturbing characters with interesting alien mindsets and their own unique conflicts as it is hard to grasp who are you supposed to root for in the end. But both Hazbin and Helluva greatly miss the mark on that front as every character is either without a shadow of a doubt a good guy (that at most cries, swears and likes to tell sex jokes because I guess that's enough to say character has depth these days) or are so cartoonishly evil and stupid they make Team Rocket look competent and make Micah from RDR2 and Erebus from 40k say "THAT'S NOT SUBTLE ENOUGH!". Not to mention how similar so many of her characters are and how limited their interactions are, the treatment of Heaven, the confusing character arcs... You know what. Issues with both Hazbin and Helluva are too many to count, too many for this post, but I also say they are not TERRIBLE shows, they are just shows that disappoint me at every step for the last few years.

And now I get to the crux of this elongated point. Again. I'm writing fics and one of them is Song for the Quiet Bird. A fic I say is best to read on a site AO3 (but it is also on Fanfic site if it's up to your speed) where I try to explore hell in more meaningful ways and make their culture more unique while telling a story of a very strange ship which is Stella and Moxxie. And do not worry, I am not going on any "Millie is dead" kind of cop out. I am into doing things in an easy way. And here is the link to it:

I also make another fic called Torments of Sinners and Imps which you may find on my profile as well which delves more into Angel and Moxxie, but that one for now is on a break. In a way Song is too, but I do hope I'll post a chapter for that one soon (personal issues and family issues).

Alright, if anyone is interested or sees this post I hope that you will enjoy my take on this series. Will post something more here? I dunno. Maybe? But anyway I just want more people to see it and maybe give their opinion on it which is what I always want to hear.

And I may post more things about what I do not enjoy in those shows and how I think they could be fixed. Talking about several things in both shows that irk me the wrong way.

Also given how deeply I go into the worldbuilding in my fics I may also post some stuff about how I made some things work there and things about culture of Hell I came up with and mythology there... Or maybe just talk about some philosophical mumbo jumbo that I sometimes think of. But whether or not I do it, especially consistently will be another story. If anyone sees this, thanks for sticking around. If anyone is interested in my works or opinions share your thoughts. If anyone hates my guts for the things I write about and my opinions of these series... Can't say I am surprised some people do hate those. You are free to share your discontent too. I welcome all voices. At least until they make my head hurt, then I just take a nap.

Anyway. I rambled for long enough. Again check out the fic if you are interested. Wont force you. If you do so leave a comment which is the most important thing for me when I write something. Hearing what people like and don't like. Have a good one and I hope you enjoy yourself. If not with my story then in your life whoever you are (as long as you are not a total POS).

[copajay]

music to my ears

♫⋆｡♪ ₊˚♬ ﾟ.

masterlist

finally after 2 years and 10 months this series is coming to an end HAHA hope you guys enjoyed reading!

summary: there has always been a strong rivalry between the apollo and ares cabins at camp half-blood, so how will the two opposing sides compose themselves when the son of apollo and the daughter of ares fall in love? (not proofread)

date: 12/29/23

series: txt demigod series (located in masterlist)

scenario themes: percy jackson! au, forbidden love

idol: hueningkai of txt

concept: fluff, tiny amount of angst

warnings: swearing

word count: 3.9k

you've only ever felt betrayal twice in your life.

the first time was when your parents revealed to you that your dad wasn't exactly your father. essentially, that he wasn't your biological parent and the reason they hid it from you was because your father was actually the greek God of war.

the second time was when your half-sister ruined your relationship to fuel a petty cabin war at your summer camp.

the second requires us to go into a bit more detail.

it was your third year at camp half-blood and by now, you knew your way around the place fairly well. you knew the best seat in the mess hall, the best hiding places in the forest, the best spots to throw parties, and more. you also knew that there was only one rule you had to follow as a member of the ares cabin: stay away from the children of apollo.

it's not like apollo and ares themselves didn't get along, but some feud a while ago between both cabin's counselors spread like wildfire throughout the camp, and now the two groups can't stand one another.

you didn't mind since the feud began long before you came to camp half-blood. you didn't need to break off any existing friendships and you can't really miss what you never had.

that was until you met kai huening.

it was a searing, sunny day in the middle of july. you had just finished training with your half-siblings and decided to take a shortcut to the cabins from the training grounds by passing the amphitheater.

you never really had an ear for music, as long as a song was catchy you'd listen to it. you couldn't grasp the idea of a couple instruments moving someone to the point of tears. at least you didn't think you could until you heard the most beautiful piano piece being played in the center stage of the amphitheater.

you recalled hearing about a talent show of some sort being organized by the end of the month but you didn't really pay it much mind. inching closer towards the curtains set up behind the stage.

it seemed like a practice of some sort, with a group of kids sitting around watching the boy play. then he began singing what sounded like a modern rendition of an older song you vaguely remember (just think of fairy of shampoo haha).

his voice combined with the delicate notes he was playing on the piano mesmerized you. it all came so naturally to him, almost as if he was born with music running through his veins.

he played for another minute or so until he switched to another song equally enchanting as the last. you must have stood there for half an hour listening to this mystery man serenade an audience of about ten campers before you snapped back to reality as he began packing up.

straightening yourself up, you shoved your head back behind the curtain, taking a moment to compose yourself for the walk back to the cabins. once you finally started to walk away you heard an extremely familiar voice call out, "excuse me!"

shit. he probably saw me staring and thinks i'm a complete psycho.

bracing yourself, you turned around with a tight-lipped smile on your face. "yes?" you responded. "i noticed you halfway through my practice and was wondering if you had any feedback for me? the talent show's in a couple weeks and i'm starting to get really nervous." the stranger confessed.

"oh, um, honestly no. I'm not exactly a music expert but you were great." you hesitated. the boy smiled widely, extending a hand to you, "i'm kai. and you are?"

"y/n." you smiled in return.

kai stayed beside you for the remainder of your brief walk to the cabins, cracking small jokes and complimenting you along the way. you didn't know why but you felt oddly drawn to him. he was so kind, gentle, and patient.

"so which cabin are you headed to?" he asked once the two of you neared the field. right as you were about to answer, someone interjected calling out kai's name.

you recognize the interferer as a resident of the athena cabin: kang taehyun. he seemed to be close to kai, casually wrapping his arm around the shoulders of the taller boy and carrying him off. kai made sure to shoot an apologetic look coupled with a wave over his shoulder which you happily returned.

you couldn't stop smiling by the time you got back to your bed. kai. you knew nothing else about him, not his last name, not his godly parent, nothing. and yet you were giggling to yourself at the thought of seeing him again.

so much so that your half-sister ryujin had to make sure you hadn't gone insane. "what's gotten into you?" she questioned, plopping onto the corner of your twin bed. "I met a guy" you confessed like a giddy schoolgirl. sure it was a bit embarrassing to admit, but you can't help how you feel.

ryujin simply laughed, shoving you over to make more room for herself on the bed, "what's his name and cabin?"

sheepishly, you turned to face her before confessing that you only knew his first name. you could tell from the change in her expression she was judging you, heavily.

throwing a pillow at her to avoid the shame you felt, you swiftly added, "it's not like I'm in love with him. he's just... cute."

"sure, y/n. because you smile to yourself thinking about every 'cute' guy at camp" she mocked. you were debating whether or not to throw another pillow at her before she started again, "you know, i've been told that I'm a pretty good wingwoman."

if 'pretty good' meant 'terrifyingly bad', ryujin would be absolutely correct. despite her fascination with matchmaking, she had the opposite of the midas touch when it came to relationships. almost every couple she's ever set up has ended in a messy breakup.

you knew this, but you also knew you're fairly awkward and new to romance. maybe ryujin could help as long as she didn't interfere too much. perhaps the ryujin curse was simply a reoccurring coincidence. "okay fine." you mumbled, unsure.

you saw a glint in her eyes and knew you were probably going to deeply regret this.

the next day, ryujin woke you up extra early to get breakfast. her reasoning? you needed to be properly fueled for a day full of 'man-hunting'. as you made your way to find a table to sit at, you noticed kai and taehyun sitting with another person in the corner of your eye. taehyun seemed to be too busy bickering with the third person not so subtle ref to the taehyun fic while kai was more engrossed with writing something in a journal.

before you could react, ryujin was shoving you in their direction, convincing you to sit with them. you tried refusing but she was extremely stubborn, a trait she seems to have inherited from your father.

by the time you arrived at the table, taehyun and his acquaintance looked up at the two of you puzzled. meanwhile, kai greeted you with another one of his signature bright smiles.

"kai! what a coincidence! y/n has been talking about you all morning. mind if we sit? i'm ryujin, by the way." the short-haired girl chirps, blissfully unaware of how embarrassed you are beside her.

kai doesn't seem to mind, though. simply smiling harder and motioning to the spot next to him, which you gladly take. the rest of the breakfast went by awkwardly considering the only two people who really cared to converse with one another were you and kai, but neither of you minded.

once everyone finished eating, he lightly tapped your shoulder to get your attention. "have you ever played the piano?" he inquired. you simply shook your head in response.

he looked around the table before coughing and standing up, "y/n promised me she would help me prepare for the talent show, so I think we should head out," he announced before shooting you a look.

eager, you stood up and nodded in agreement before running off with him away from the others.

once the two of you were finally out of sight, ryujin turned to taehyun. "so... tell me every and anything you know about this kai guy." she declared. rolling his eyes, the boy simply shrugged and retorted, "what do you want to know?"

"just give me the basics. is he a big 3 kid? does he have, like, superpowers? is he a player? or a virgin? and don't lie." ryujin rambled.

taehyun sighed before answering "he's a good guy. a real loverboy, and his only 'superpower' is being crazy good at composing music, which if you ask me is pretty lame. and he's not a big 3 kid, his dad is apollo."

ryujin froze. she must've misheard him. apollo? it can't be. she just set up her half-sibling with a child of APOLLO. if any of their siblings found out they'd both be dead.

"taehyun... does kai know who y/n's godly parent is?" she stammered, to which the other demigod shook his head in response. "well, it's ares." she croaked dramatically.

"so?" he responded. both ryujin and the long-forgotten camper beside him gasped. "so? the ares and apollo cabins can never mix." the stranger declared. ryujin nodded vigorously, which led to taehyun sighing once again.

"cabin feuds are immature, and i never thought you of all people would engage in them." he said, eyeing the demigod next to him, "besides, if y/n's godly parent is ares then that means so is ryujin's, so how are you 'mixing' with her right now?"

immediately, the camper shot ryujin a disgusted look and got up. "i'll see you later, taehyun." they added bitterly before speedwalking away. rolling her eyes, ryujin got up as well, leaving a baffled taehyun alone at the table. as she left the dining hall, ryujin began a desperate search for you to break the bad news.

in the meanwhile, kai had brought you back to the amphitheater, inviting you to learn how to play piano. you were pretty clumsy at first, but he walked you through it patiently.

once you were finally getting the hang of the basics, he decided he wanted to teach you one of his songs. "do you mind?" the brunette prompted as he reached for your hands.

"not at all." you breathed. he kept his fingers over yours as he guided your hands along the keys of the piano. the action felt so intimate and yet so innocent.

you couldn't help but blush at the contact, wondering if he was just as affected by it as you were. looking up, you saw that he was no longer staring at the keys but at you.

he stopped playing but his hands remained on top of yours as he inched closer. you could practically feel his breath on your face. your heart rate began to accelerate as you closed the distance between the two of you, your lips slightly grazing his.

the moment was ruined however by a crazed ryujin bursting from behind the curtains of the amphitheater, shocking the both of you and causing you to hit a loud, sour note on the piano.

"y/n. we need to talk." your half-sister squeaked, avoiding meeting kai's gaze. "can't it wait?" you huffed, visibly annoyed. "no." she deadpanned.

excusing yourself, you ripped your hands away from kai's and stood up, immediately feeling cold and desperate to run back into his embrace.

pulling ryujin aside, you stared at her unimpressed until she began talking. "y/n I don't know how to tell you this, but... he's-that guy--kai is... he's one of apollo's." she stammered, clearly exasperated.

usually, you'd be a bit taken back, but you honestly couldn't bring yourself to care. why should a petty cabin war keep you from someone you like? "this changes nothing, ryu. you're being dramatic." you grumbled.

her expression went from sympathetic to irritated within milliseconds, "y/n! what are you gonna do if the rest of the camp finds out? we don't associate with them." she sneered.

"you sound insane. he's a sweet guy and it's not like we chose our parents." you retorted. "fine. go and tell him and see how he reacts." she challenged.

you simply scoffed before turning and walking back to kai. he wouldn't care... right? you considered telling him, but with seeing how happy he looked, you couldn't bring yourself to do it.

"i, um... have to go!" you muttered, collecting your gatherings quickly, leaving behind a confused kai. as you passed ryujin on your way out she followed you, scolding "see? you couldn't even bring yourself to tell him because you know how he'll react-"

you stopped in your tracks and whipped your head around, "ryujin. you will not tell anyone about this. understand?" you warned. it's unlike you to threaten anyone, especially your own siblings but you were exceptionally angry in this situation: a petty cabin war getting in the way of your first potential romance.

ryujin simply nodded, "but you know you'll have to tell him eventually." she added, solemnly. you nodded wordlessly, accepting your fate. he'd either flip out on you or be totally cool with it but then all his siblings would flip out on him. it was a lose-lose situation and you felt hopeless.

for the next two weeks, you made a conscious effort to hide your growing relationship with kai. from constantly insisting that the two of you hung out somewhere hidden like the strawberry fields to making up excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't walk you to your cabin.

you kept your secret for nearly half a month until the day he asked you to officially be his girlfriend. you tried to enjoy the moment but your head was filled with doubt. would he still want to date you if he knew who your father was?

not only that, but you felt guilt piling up inside of you for hiding something so seemingly important from him. before you knew it, you were tearing up.

worried, he immediately rushed to console you. "if you're not ready that's perfectly fine-" he sputtered, panicking. "it's not that," you began as tears dropped onto your cheeks, "i've been keeping something from you, kai, and I'm so sorry,"

"whatever it is, I'm sure it's fine." he replied comfortingly. you shook your head, "the reason i never let you walk me to my cabin is because... because it's-"

"the ares cabin?" he guessed coolly. your jaw dropped, how did he know? he simply laughed, "I thought so after the fourth time you made me duck when another ares camper was walking by. y/n, I honestly don't care, I like you, and I want to be with you. so... will you be my girlfriend?"

overwhelmed, you practically jumped on him, the tear stains on your face now dry. "of course." you sighed, "but... won't we have to keep it a secret?" you added, worried.

"i hope not, because i was planning on dedicating my songs to you tomorrow at the talent show," he admitted sheepishly. you nearly pounced onto him again until you remembered that nearly the entire camp would be there, including your half-siblings.

"as sweet as that sounds kai... I don't think that's a good idea. how will people react?" you hated how much you sounded like ryujin at that moment, but you couldn't help but worry.

"if you don't want me to, I won't, otherwise i really don't care." he shrugged. it pained you to do so but you asked him not to, as you were still nervous about the reaction from the campers.

you knew you would have to reveal your relationship eventually as you didn't want to keep kai in hiding, but you just didn't know when the right timing would be.

but who needs timing when they have a nosy half-sister who's hiding behind a statue listening to your whole conversation?

ryujin wanted what was best for you, and she knew that this relationship would only hurt you. so she decided to hatch a plan that would prevent it from going any further.

while you were out with kai she assembled all the other ares cabin residents to discuss how to break the two of you up. your hidden relationship came as a shock to all your siblings, with most of them spewing profanities at apollo and his son upon finding out.

they ultimately decided that they would just have to sabotage his performance and find a way to put it on you. kai adores music, so why not target the thing he loves the most? the plan was cruel, but they firmly believed it was what you needed to see the reality of your situation.

when you finally found yourself back at the cabin, you could tell your siblings were acting off. however, you couldn't care less after the day you had with kai. blissfully unaware, you collapsed onto your bed, excited for the upcoming talent show and seeing your boyfriend perform.

if only you knew.

you woke up the next morning to a completely empty cabin. despite being confused initially, you brushed it off and got ready to find a seat at the talent show.

finally seated, you spotted kai standing off to the side of the stage, sending him a small wave. unbeknownst to you, your half-brother saw, scoffing and praying for the plan to work.

after an hour of the program running smoothly, you saw a large piano being rolled to the center of the stage, with kai following. excitedly, you waited to hear his set as he sat down to his instrument and adjusted his microphone.

however, once he began playing the piano the once beautiful notes came out odd-sounding and unprepared. it was evident that the piano had been tampered with, and even more evident that kai was completely shocked.

a silence loomed over the crowd until a certain section began bursting into laughter, that section being cabin #5, aka ares cabin.

you felt betrayed as you looked at your siblings giggling at kai's embarrassment, and even more so when ryujin simply smiled at you, whispering, "it's for the best."

disgusted, you looked to kai. who looked absolutely furious and wouldn't meet your eye. flickering your eyes over to the apollo cabin section, you felt their gazes hitting you and your siblings like daggers.

kai stormed off towards camp and you quickly got up and ran after him. finally catching up to him, you panted "kai wait! I had no idea, I'm so sorry."

he didn't even bother turning around before responding, "maybe they're right. it would never work out between us." he explained coldly. you felt your heart shatter as you watched him walk away.

that night, you refused to speak to any of your siblings, especially ryujin. they initially confronted you, then apologized, then begged for you to at least look their way.

you didn't care if you were being unreasonable, you were enraged. how could ryujin betray you like that? how could they all disregard your feelings? you felt hurt more than anything else.

you could barely sleep that night, only thinking of how upset kai must be. he trusted you, and all you did was prove that the ares cabin really is his biggest enemy. he'd never take you back.

you didn't have it in you to get up the next day. alternating between pretending to sleep and ignoring your siblings, you stayed in bed until 3 pm. you felt like shit and you couldn't be bothered to face anyone in the camp. that was until you heard a commotion outside the cabin door.

peeking through the blinds for your first glimpse of daylight, you saw one of your half-brothers and another camper getting into a heated argument, watching as your other siblings got into confrontations of their own with people you've never seen before.

that's when you realized that the people they were arguing with were the children of apollo.

you ran outside, not caring that you were in your pajamas with horrible morning breath and bed hair. all you cared about was where kai was in all this mess.

you spotted him trying to break up a fight between ryujin and the camper you saw before sitting with taehyun and kai.

"kai! what's going on?" you yelled over all the noise. you watched his face soften for a moment when he saw you just to turn into a scowl, "i'm not sure." he responded distantly.

you attempted to calm down ryujin as kai did the same with his sibling until you heard a loud smack.

it was complete silence as the campers tried to comprehend what just happened. after about thirty seconds of stillness, the campers began going back to fighting, except this time with much more violence. it didn't take long before mr. d and chiron showed up frantically trying to break up the students.

once the dust had settled, the two adults sat the restless demigods down and scolded them for what felt like an eternity. "what started this all? I know you've had some... issues for a while now but why today?" the centaur finally asked.

kai quickly glanced at you, which you only noticed because you had been staring at him for the entirety of the time you were getting reprimanded.

to everyone's surprise, ryujin spoke up first, "i found out that one of my siblings and someone from the apollo cabin were... seeing each other."

gasps erupted among the apollo kids as kai hung his head low. "i told my siblings and we decided to ruin the talent show for them. it was purely out of pettiness and hatred for people i've never even spoken to. i now realize how immature it was and I'm deeply sorry." she looked at you during the last portion of her speech.

you wanted to forgive her, after all she's your sister. but she's also the reason kai still won't acknowledge you.

the next thing you know, campers one by one admitted the ways they had wronged the other side and apologized, sincerely. like that one scene from mean girls.

you felt like you had something to get off your chest as well, and you couldn't keep it in anymore, "i was the one 'seeing' someone from the apollo cabin," you started.

another round of gasps.

"and that's not what I want to apologize for. i handled it horribly. trying to keep it a secret from everyone, including my own siblings and closest friends. I shouldn't have hid it. I'm truly so, so sorry." you professed.

you saw the corner of kai's lips slightly go up, and that's all you needed to feel content. mr. d wrapped the mini-therapy session up and the demigods on both sides swore to end this feud once and for all.

you decided to forgive ryujin and your siblings but you would be lying if you said you were over it all, especially because you couldn't even bring yourself to initiate a conversation with kai.

luckily for you, he approached you first. "i accept your apology... and i'm sorry for being so rude earlier," he faltered.

you were about to respond when he began speaking again, "I'm not sure how we got into this mess but, i want a do-over. do you think we could do that?" he asked with his signature smile. how could you say no?

"yes." you beamed, extending a hand. "i'm y/n, daughter of ares. and you are?"

"kai." he replied, "son of apollo."

"okay, kai, son of apollo. will you go out with me?" you asked, half-jokingly.

"i would love that."

[regulus-blacks-lover]

in for a good crying session so i’d looove to see how prompts 43 & 27 would break me :’) im thinking sirius but whatever sparks the creative juices!! thank you lovely :>

43 “i’m right here. right here with you.” 27 “you had your chance.”

reader x sirius black, 1,152 words warnings: main character death, very sad and angsty, not proofread

prompt list

a/n: oh my god i'm so sorry this turned out so sad?? i had a second idea that's still sad but no death involved if you'd prefer - but i went with the needing to cry type of vibe for now. lmk if you want a redo w these prompts lol

You and Sirius had been living in hiding together for nearly two years, on the run from Voldemort's forces. Despite the danger that lurked around every turn, it wasn't all bad. You found warm places to sleep, and when there was nowhere warm to go, you held onto each other more closely than you already did.

"Do you think things will ever go back to how they used to be?" You asked him one night, both of you laying awake, unable to sleep.

In the darkness, you could just make out the rise and fall of his chest as he contemplated your question. "I'm not sure." He said honestly. "I'd like to think so, I miss our friends, I miss our life... But I'm just not sure."

"I miss our friends too." You whispered.

Beneath the thin blanket, he grasped your hand, threading his warm fingers into your own. "I'm glad you are here with me." He said, bringing your fingers to his lips and pressing a kiss to each one.

"You're not too shabby for an end of the world companion." You said quietly.

A few days later, you were standing guard outside what you hoped was an abandoned house in a muggle neighborhood. Sirius was inside, putting up protective wards around the place. He'd always acted like an idiot at school, but at the end of the day you trusted his protective enchantments much more than your own.

You were allowing yourself to get lost in memories of the days before you'd been on the run, back when you'd had weekly dinners with your friends- back when you and Sirius had dreamed of getting married. Before your dreams became mere survival.

Suddenly you felt it. A chill in the air as all the hair on your body raised. And then he was there. Voldemort, pale and cloaked in a long black robe. He was flanked by two Death Eaters. Behind them floated three ghostly figments. Dementors.

Your stomach filled with lead. You'd barely reached for your wand when it flew out of your hand. The two Death Eaters grabbed you by either arm, dragging you towards Voldemort and the dementors.

You kicked and flailed and pushed against their grasp, but their combined strength was too much for you, especially with the hopeless pull of the dementors in the air.

Voldemort grasped your face, his unnaturally long fingers digging into your skin. "Where is he?"

He didn't have to specify who he was looking for. You already knew. Sirius. His brother, already part of Voldemort's forces. It was rumored that Voldemort longed to have control over both of the Black brothers.

You set your jaw. You wouldn't let Voldemort use you to get to Sirius.

"Where is he?" He asked again. When you still didn't answer, Voldemort sighed theatrically and released his grip on your face. The Death Eaters still held your arms tightly.

"I did try to be civil, Y/N." He said with a sigh. "Do try to remember that."

He nodded at his henchmen and they released you. For a moment, you didn't understand. But the Voldemort was pointing his wand at you and saying, "Crucio."

Your knees buckled and you fell to the pavement, writhing in pain. You fought every instinct telling you to scream or beg for mercy.

"Crucio!" The cold voice came again.

You were on your side now, hands clawing at the pavement as if you could crawl away from the pain he was inflicting on you. Tears flowed down your face and you were panting from the effort to avoid screaming.

The curse came a third time. "Crucio!"

And you couldn't hold back any longer. "Stop! Please stop it!" You screamed.

Your vision was fading in and out as pain continued to rack your body. You heard someone behind you laughing, and then the sound of a scuffle.

And then - your heart lurched. "Stop! Let her go!" Came Sirius's anguished voice. You forced yourself to look up. The Death Eaters had him by the arms. He was fighting them with every ounce of strength he had, and for a moment you thought he'd be able to break free of their grip, but then there came a sharp tug in your hair. Voldemort was pulling you upwards by their grasp your scalp. He forced you to your feet only to press the tip of his wand harshly against your throat.

Your head was forced back so all you could see was the dark sky above, but from the sound of it, Sirius had stopped fighting. "Please. Let her go. I'll do anything." He begged.

"Sirius, Sirius." Voldemort tutted. "I don't plan to ask the world of you. I just need one favor. Consider it an exchange, really. Join me, and I'll let her live. Your brother has disappointed me, see you don't do the same."

"Sirius" You whimpered, Voldemort's wand still against your neck. "Sirius, it's okay." The wand was pressed deeper into your skin as fresh tears began to spill down your face.

"No." You heard him say brokenly. "I can't– I won't–"

"It's okay." You said again.

Voldemort sniffed. "Pathetic. See how little you mean to him? I ask one favor and he can't even do it, even if it would mean saving your precious life."

The pressure at your throat lifted, but your relief was short lived as Voldemort gestured to the dementors. They swooped in on you faster than you would have believed. They were pulling you apart, eating your joy, even before Voldemort stepped away from you.

You were vaguely aware of voices beyond the hurricane of dark and cold that surrounded you.

"Please! Please stop it! I'll do anything, anything you ask!" Sirius's voice was frantic and full of desperation.

"You had your chance to save her, and you didn't. Now you must live with the consequences." Voldemort said.

You were so cold. Your hands had grown numb and your teeth were chattering uncontrollably. You were aware of your body falling to the ground, but you didn't feel the pain as you hit the pavement. And then everything went black.

"I'm right here. Right here with you." A distant voice. Familiar. Sirius. It was Sirius, and it sounded like he was crying. Why was he crying?

You couldn't see him. You couldn't see anything. You were floating away.

A sudden image flashed through your mind; Sirius, holding a broken, limp body. Holding you.

He was cradling your dead body in his arms, whispering over and over "I'm right here. Please don't leave me. Please come back."

But you couldn't. No matter how you tried, you couldn't force that living piece of yourself back into that body.

Cruel laughter sounded, but Sirius didn't pay it any mind. He just kept holding what had once been you.

"I love you." You thought, before every trace of you vanished from existence.

[oubliette-odette]

The Reluctance of Love Pt. 28

Heyo! How would you feel if I said that I finally have details of the ending basically ironed out the way I want and have about 20 more chapters planned for you? Honestly, I'm kind of stoked, because I think what I have planned is pretty great. When I first started writing about Drunrag and Altan, it was supposed to be just a couple of short chapters of fluff and nothing more, but my own journey figuring out my sexuality and stuff opened up a door that made my curious mind and heart wonder, "But what if there's more to Drunrag? What is there's more to Altan? And their story?"

And so here we are, basically writing a novel at this point for a small but lovely group of people who all say really nice things about my boys even though I never consistently schedule out my chapters and have spent more time writing about our boys apart than together. (I'm so sorry for all of that).

Someday I hope to be better at interacting with you guys because you all are so funny and sweet and I think we'd all be friends irl.

Take care and I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Orc Male x Half-Elf Male, Fated Mates, Forbidden Love, Slow Burn Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26 Content Warnings: unhealthy parent dynamics All orcish is from orcishdictionary.com, created by Matt Vancil.

Altan POV

I was used to the weight of my brothers laying on top of me. It was a comforting feeling to be weighed down by Robin’s warmth. Only his soft breathing cut through the quiet of the night. Everything was dark and simple, formless shadows in my vision. I could make out the shape of the guard who stood at the door, but nothing more. I had been lying awake for what felt like hours, just listening, thinking, and imagining. I had spent countless nights imagining while laying in this bed, tonight I couldn’t stop myself from pretending the weight on my chest belonged to Drunrag’s arm as he held me in his sleep and the soft breath tickling my neck was his. I could see his rough hands brushing against my arm, as he pulled me closer to him. He would be warm next to me and I would be helpless to not be drawn to it.

Drunrag had to be alive. I didn’t feel it in my bones like I hoped, but I held onto that belief, it was all I had.

I heard the cracking of a door opening and suddenly a strip of light exposing the torchlight from without, in the hallways. I did not move, but watched with narrowed eyes.

Selhar slipped in, and I heard him give a sharp retort to something that the guard had said to him. The door closed and the room returned to darkness again. I heard the guard resettle into his position in front of my door and then felt the warmth of Selhar sidle into the space next to me.

“Everything alright?” I whispered.

He hummed softly.

“Good news?”  I asked.

He hummed again.

“Well?”

I felt his hand tap me on my side and I reached for it. I felt a paper drop from his hand into mine and I grasped it tightly. I held it to my chest and willed sleep to come quickly so that I could read it in the morning.

Yet, in the morning, I was awoken to my doors being banged open and my father’s shouting voice. 

“What’s going through your head, son?” I blinked up blurrily and felt Selhar and Robin’s bodies tense next to me. Feeling that shot me awake and I rose up, keeping the paper crumpled tight in my hand. “Do you have any idea what you are doing?”

I raised my chin and held his gaze. 

“What you’re demanding cannot be done.” My father continued. His posture and his facial expression reminded me of a snarling beast, a rabid dog, foaming at the mouth and chomping to dig his teeth into me.

I put a hand on Robin and Selhar, each on either side of me and shifted to sit myself in front of them. “What exactly is so impossible? He is alive, isn’t he? I don’t find my request all that unreasonable.” I kept my voice light, but I knew my father caught the hardened expression on my face. He hated me, and while that used to be the thing I feared most and went through painful obstacles to prevent and avoid accepting, I finally exulted in that reality. We both understood where one another stood, and that gave me power. 

“Selhar, Robin, leave the room.” My father didn’t look away from me when he growled the demand.

“No.” Selhar said, his voice was venomous. 

Robin said nothing, but I could see his head shifting between myself and my father. He was too young to understand, and too young to be subjected to this version of my father. 

“Selhar,” I said softly, “Take Robin outside.” I turned my head and I saw the silent pleading on my brother’s face.

“Altan.” He breathed.

I shook my head. “I’ll be alright. Go.”

Selhar’s eyes darkened and he looked behind me to where our father stood. He grabbed Robin by the arm and pulled him off the bed and towards the door. The guards that stood there silently moved aside. 

“A moment with just my son, please.” The Duke said to the guards and they followed my brothers out the door.

I remained sitting, the paper in my hand, my heart pounding, but my face passive. It would be alright. Soon the dam would burst, and it would be over. 

“I had believed that we were on the same page when the Red Hunters brought you to me. But I see that you are more spiteful and ungrateful than ever before. Why do you resist this? After all I’ve done for you?”

“Talking about this doesn’t fix things. It never has.” I answered calmly. “I’ve told you what I want. The wedding will not happen unless you bring me Drunrag alive.”

“No.” He said. “That will never happen.”

I had to hold my face together, had to remain strong like stone. “Then for the safety of our people, I cannot agree to this wedding.”

“What nonsense are you talking about?” He exasperated. “You keep speaking about the safety of our people. From what?”

I blinked slowly before answering. “It wasn’t obvious to you what I meant?” I smiled meekly. “I mean you, father. You are no longer fit for your position. And you may think that because I am your son that that means my witness means nothing, that the council will simply laugh me off my theatrics as an ungrateful, spoiled child. But I am prepared for that, and they will listen to me.”

“You’re threatening me.”

“Yes. If that’s how you wish to see it.” I said. “I already told you the games would end. I won’t subject Selhar or Robin to what you did to me.”

“What I did to you?” I caught the way his entire body was slowly clenching, like a wild cat ready to pounce. “I did what I had to!  Do you forget the debts I’m trying to pay off? The measures I’ve gone through to prevent economic collapse to our people? I let your mother coddle you because I thought it was what was best, I had to fight bigger battles than that and yet I’ve been proven again and again I was wrong to do so.”

“My mother at least told me she loved me.” I said, and I saw his eyes flash with disdain, “To her I was her child, her son. But you were more concerned about how I could benefit you in your plans and what you could do to cover up the flaws that made me undesirable for them.”

I finally slipped off the edge of my bed and walked towards him. “Without repeating myself too much, this isn’t really a conversation that helps either of us. We know one another 's motives. I know you wish me to be your pawn to pay off the debts you accrued and I want the prisoner Drunrag - wherever  you have him - brought  before me and the Council where a decision will be made that protects us and his people and benefits both sides.”

That was when my father smirked, “And how exactly do you plan to accomplish such a feat? As you said, the Council will hear me before they will ever listen to you.”

I lifted my chin. “We shall see.”

“Your plans won’t work, son.” He said, and he sighed. 

“This is what you wanted from me, isn’t it?” I asked. “I’m finally taking charge and doing something. You should be proud that I’m finally taking responsibility..”

“Son, this is not what I meant.”

I smiled wryly, ‘I’m aware, but I’m not really afraid of what you think you can do to me.” I yawned and raised my chain as I regarded him. “Was this all you wanted to speak with me about?”

“Altan.” His tone felt like a warning.

I lifted my eyebrows, “Yes?”

He held his tongue and held my gaze for an uncomfortably long period of time before he sighed and I saw his body release a portion of his tension. He stepped back, “You will learn the hard way it seems.”

He walked out of the room with no other words. 

I unwrinkled the paper from my hands and recognized Commander Gideon’s untidy scrawl,

I cannot return to the Great Hall, but I am safe. Your brother was very clever in finding me - and just in the matter of time. Thank you for the information you gleaned from the Lady of Triel. I agree with her that this evidence is enough to topple the powers that be. I trust the Gods are on our side and our efforts will not be in vain. 

Doxxah believes they are familiar with the herbs that Lady Allara may be under and is researching for an antidote that may help Allara resist the effects on her mind.

I believe I was able to locate the Red Hunter’s hideout, or at least one of them. There is no guarantee that Drunrag will be there, but I promise I will not give up until he is found. I do not know how long I will be, but if you are in an emergency and need refuge, you will find allies at the Soaring Elk. It’s near the edge of town and few guards ever travel there. You will be safe there for as long as you need.

Selhar said quite confidently that he believes you will win this battle, and I believe him to be right. Whatever the future holds for you, I know it to be good. For you, and for your beloved.

My loyalty goes to you,

G.G.

I folded the paper again just as Selhar returned, sans Robin. “What happened?” He asked urgently.

I shook my head, “Nothing yet. I don’t think father is ready to make the next move yet.”

“What are you going to do next?” He asked. “Father knows you’re opposing him, he’s going to fight back.”

I nodded, “Yes, but I think he still misunderstands me and won’t expect my next move.” I sighed. “At least I hope that’s true.”

“I think you’ve definitely rattled him.” Selhar’s voice lowered. “I think if the guard hadn’t been there, he would have hurt you.”

“He didn’t.” I said. “And he won’t. Not anymore. Have you had any luck finding that vial?”

He shook his head, “Nothing, I’ve been through Father’s office twice. There’s nothing.”

“How do you get around so easily?” I exclaimed. “You’re honestly terrifying.”

He grinned. “Mum taught me.”

I felt like my heart softened. Of course she did. I reached and tussled his hair. “I’m going to be summoning a meeting with the Council, would you join me and bear witness to father’s crimes?”

He let out a breath, one that felt like the release of something, “It would be my honor.”

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[gffa]

Sorry in advance if this is an incoherent ramble, but I have Thoughts about the Jedi and emotional regulation I want to share with you, if it's okay.

So I have ADHD and pretty strong emotional disregulation that I really, really struggle with. In my late teens/early twenties I was convinced that my emotions, all of them, were inherently destructive and harmful to others because of how intense they are.

My favorite Star Wars character is Anakin and I think you can guess why 😅. I don't really like admitting it but I understand him and relate to him sooo much.

Okay here's the relevant part: I love the Jedi Order's teachings about mindfulness and emotional control. So often I do feel ruled by my emotions! I can so easily see how embracing that leads to the dark side, and I know that staying in the light really is a constant battle against one's own darkness because I've done that! Without the psychic/telekinetic powers, obviously, but honestly it's a good thing I can't accidentally fling objects around the room if I get upset. I've often wished the Jedi Order was real and I could be part of it just so I could learn to better control my emotions.

It's why I just don't get the argument that Jedi "repress" their emotions. Where does that even come from? They have such sensible responses to such stressful situations. And unbridled unregulated emotion is NOT a good thing, as I know far too well. The Sith don't practice "emotional freedom" or whatever those people call it. With my disregulation problems I'm not "free," I'm even more shackled by it. I hate it and I want to control it- which is what the Jedi practice.

Anyway, just wanted to share my point of view on that whole debate. I also just want to say thanks for running this blog! I adore your meta posts and I love your unending Jedi positivity. You're definitely my favorite Star Wars blog. You're so good at articulating analyses that I can see for myself in the text but am terrible at putting into words lol. I'm sorry that your popularity attracts so many people who want to argue with you or be nasty. I hope you know how happy you make us fellow Jedi-supporters. 😊

Hi!  This ask was from before today’s discussion on the Force and emotions (here and here), so it’s good timing to come across it in my drafts again! You and I are in a similar boat--I relate to Anakin the most, too.  And I had a lot of years in my life without a solid grasp on my emotions, where my anger was entirely justifiable, but it was absolute misery and cost me a lot of time and relationships with people.  In the moment, it felt good to lash out with that anger, but I was consumed by it, that’s all I was so much of the time, and it really, really was not good to let my emotions run rampant that way.  So, I understand and I’m sorry that you’ve gone through that and I’m glad you seem like you’re in a better place now. While the Jedi may not be real, thankfully a lot of the same ideas totally are, like Buddhism is real, different kinds of therapy techniques are real, we absolutely can learn to regulate our emotions, even if it’s really hard.  You could probably even do a Google search for “how to learn to regulate my emotions” and find some good starting places! I can’t speak for any part of fandom, especially one I’m not part of, but I suspect that a lot of the “Jedi repress emotions” thing comes from a conflict of how mainstream media almost always supports the idea that emotions fuel powers, that if you tap into your anger or any other intense emotion, you’ll get a major power-up and you can save the day with it.  Think of almost any major display of power in a superhero movie and it’s usually because the character just had an explosion of emotion, right?  Because their control on their temper finally snapped or because they suddenly became tunnel-visioned about who they needed to save.  It’s everywhere. Star Wars, in contrast, says:

But we’re primed to think emotional regulation is suppression.  We’re primed to think that it’s not being true to ourselves, that we’re chaining a part of ourselves up.  We’re primed to think that any kind of sacrifice or concession to the greater society is suppression of the self. So, along come the Jedi who say, “Actually, emotional regulation is good.  Sometimes you do have to sacrifice things to make the world better, but the selfness love for other people is worth it.” we’re primed to think they’re suppressing themselves and living half-lived lives. But that’s not true for the worldbuilding in Star Wars.  Individualism is not king in Star Wars.  Selflness and care for others and the willingness to understand that life is impermanent and we have to let go of things are the core themes. And you’re absolutely right--one of Lucas’ themes in Star Wars is, "Most of my movies are about the fact that you're in that little place, it's the little prison in your brain—the door's open but you can't leave. But all you have to do is walk out and say, 'Hey! I'm gonna do this.'” (Sundance Q&A, 2015) and  “All of my movies are about one thing.  Which is the fact that the only prison you’re in is the prison of your mind.  And if you decide to open the door and get out, you can.  There’s nothing stopping you.“ (American Voices, 2015) The dark side is a prison in your mind, one you’re trapping yourself into.  You’re not free, your emotions are ruling you.  They control you because you can’t stop yourself from screaming or lashing out or destroying things in your rage, you can’t stop from saying hurtful things to the people you care about.  That’s not freedom, that’s being dragged along in the wake of your own unchecked feelings.  It’s a dark pit that you have to decide to climb out of. And the Jedi echo that theme:     "You said we would be trapped."     "Not by the cave you were but by your mind. Lessons, you have learned. Find courage, you did.  Hope, patience. Trust, confidence, and selflessness." --Yoda, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, “The Gathering”

[aeromantica]

I got to a certain end of Act 1 quest in DATV and ... uhh I have issues.

more thoughts under the cut (spoilery)!

While I loved the Siege of Weisshaupt quest itself, the discussion with Rook and the companions afterwards left me baffled, irritated, and, honestly, a bit speechless.

We're up against 2 elven gods, from which one just obliterated the grey wardens, destroying their fortress that never before (!!) fell to the darkspawn in any of the previous blights and we're pretty much without hope as our plans (which we didn't have one to begin with?! - another smaller issue) failed spectacularly and the companions suddenly feel their personal issues (aka quests) are much more important than to stop the end of the world.

Yeah. no.

The game's structure is very similar to ME2, where we also had to do loyalty missions for each companion to succeed on the suicide mission at the end of the game. Yet, this was much better implemented in the game's storytelling than in DATV. Quite frankly, the companions felt incredibly childish at that moment (which was also out of character for some) and that pop-up after the discussion with "Oh you need to do the heroes of the veilguard missions of your companions to succeed" felt infantilising; I'm not stupid, I don't need a gameplay mechanics explanation - either I'll do these quests or I don't, no need to tell me.

The game failed to show me (as in the gamer and rook) why I should suddenly care more about the characters than the literal end of Thedas as we know it. At that moment, the main story and the companions felt incredibly disconnected from each other, as if no one really grasped the gravity of the situation, which at this point is ridiculous.

I love the idea of loyalty missions and the potential repercussions it has not to do some of them, but the implementation of the reason for their existence was just not it?!

Regarding the discussion itself, why wasn't there more tension? Why was everyone so chill about what happened? Davrin and Lucanis' little argument was over as soon as it began, and Rook felt like an HR manager in a start-up who tries to make everyone get along but is afraid to speak up. Why couldn't my Rook challenge the companions? Why did I have to be so diplomatic?!

Don't get me wrong—I love this game so far, but this dampened my love a bit, to be honest.

/also I'm already 60 hours in and only just finished Act one haha