#but i have so many thing irl going on that i dont think i can justify spending money on a new game.. 🥲
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island update🌱 i’ve been playing less on this island bc i have a few areas i want to change up and that just feels like a lot of work lol, tiny bit burned out on acnh too🥲 but thats alright, i will just work on the island when i feel like it🍃 i started a new neighborhood that i like but everything else i’ve done recently i kinda want to change..
#i think im also gaming sad in general right now bc i really want the new zelda game thats coming out#but i have so many thing irl going on that i dont think i can justify spending money on a new game.. 🥲#acnh nixie island🧚🏻#acnh#animal crossing#animal crossing new horizons#new horizons#acnh exterior#acnh island#acnh summer#acnh island update
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Man finishing school term and wanna rest, draw and work on comms more, but then like 2ish weeks later, boom, gotta fix stuff to start the new school term again
Mannn i just wanna do nothing but draw blorbos and backed up ideas and all the sketch wips i havent even finished ; ;
Idk school for me just throws off the vibes fr fr
#text post#idc what others might think#but college is not ALWAYS the end all be all#i know so many people irl close to me who dropped outta college#they just didnt find school to be productive and had little to no benefits for them and what they really wanted to do#they dropped out and started their own careers and businesses#the sorta jobs they wanted to do generally didnt require any form of higher education like a spoecialized college degree#or they just joined their already established family business and are doing just fine#ive wantched and listened to lots and looots of other professional artists viewpoints about art school#it really is a 50/50 thing#if u find it enjoyable and beneficial for your situation then go for it#but if u know you can grow faster in your career and skills learning on your own then you dont really need art school#i think one of the big differences in being a college dropout and being successful#is really just being self disciplined and smart with what you want to do#ig this is a rant lol#but yeah#it all boils down to personal situation#i want to live independently asap#and sadly where i live#having a college degree is a huge advantage in getting local job positions that need specialized skillsets
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i love being autistic cause sometimes i get a glimpse into how regular people perceive things and its like. what the fuck. what the fuck is that? you live like this? and its normal?? i think YOURE the weird one actually. im fine. thanks though.
#THERES SO MANY WEIRD RULES#LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO HOW SOMEONE WALKS LIKE HUH????? WHY????????????#can someone fucking explain the dude head nod thing to me why do we do that. whats that about. ive never seen anyone do that irl before#is that an american thing or do i just hang around too many afab people#i am learning the intricacies of cis people gender rules and i am. what fucking planet have i been on the last 17 years like what is this#was there some like. rulebook they handed out at somepoint they forgot to give to me or something#“best way to learn is to observe the men around you” OBSERVE WHAT. YOU PEOPLE PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO EVERY LITTLE MOVEMENT????#bruh i can barely make eye contact w people...#my ass has never intentionally copied someones mannerisms ever.#i do it subconsciously. but doing it actively feels weird and wrong and like im breaking someones boundaries#“men dont smile at people.” well they should.#ive decided cishet men are the most boring people on the planet#“dont move with your hands” YOURE BREAKING MY POOR THEATER KID HEART#i need to meet more gay men irl to absorb the vibe of cause i only know like two. not counting myself#i want people to look at me and go. ah yes. fruit.#at this point im just going to accept being misgendered for the rest of eternity. id rather die than be boring in the way cishet men are#my flavor of being trans is so influenced by my autism cause my perception of genders is completely off from what everyone else is doing#im like. yeah i want to be a man. and then i look at what the majority of men are actually like and its like. wait no. not like that#shoutout to flamboyant gay men where would i be without them#i think the thing that bothers me the most is that like#in my mind peoples genders are just. the way they express themselves.#its not like. this super big complex deal like how everyone else treats it. if that makes sense? like.#regular people have so many rules for what counts as a man or what counts as a woman or what counts as neither and its like???#you can do what you want???? why do we care????#and ive been doing this since i was little. on account of the autism#i just. dont get why its such a big deal to people.#i cant wrap my head around it at all#not nonbinary not a girl not aegender not a man but a secret fourth thing#(man but i do it my way instead of everyone elses way)#unfortunately doing it my way just. leads to the misgendering dimension. for some reason
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when saying "I just don't understand why this level of aggressive violence, supply blockade, and civilian casualty is necessary in 2024" results in people saying to your face that you "support terrorism and want the hostages to die" you start thinking maybe the human race wasn't built for any level of nuance
#two things can be true#hell more than two things can be true#i can feel extreme empathy for both the israeli hostages and the palestinian civilian population#while not supporting hamas nor the israeli government/military#an insane concept i know#also it goes without saying that being a civilian on either side of this war would be horrible#but objectively palestinian civilians are undergoing much worse conditions on average#so thats why many people jews included are donating esims and unwra funds etc to Palestine#even if they arent violently anti israel#anyway my point is NUANCE EXISTS#black and white situations almost never exist irl#i for example am a jewish person who donated to unwra and buys esims and does my clicks for palestine#but that doesnt mean i dont care about the israeli hostages?? i think about what those still alive must be going through and its horrific#i want them safely returned#but thats separate from the suffering of palestinian civilians#having empathy for Palestinians also does not mean i support hamas so stop conflating those things too#ive seen people call palestinian kids starving on the street “terrorists”#so yeah im really losing faith in humans having any empathy or nuance
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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i barely feel like a person sometimes ngl
#like in the sense that. im barely Here i hardly ever feel really Present in the world#i hardly talk to people unless im talked to and even Then sometimes its a dry ass response because im shit at talking#even if i love someones presence its hard for me to like. actually show it i think#i dont have a Job#i dont Go anywhere really#i hardly have irl friends#like i feel like im starting to get to a dangerous place with this mentality#that i barely Exist#i am a whole nothing sandwich of a person#its not fucking healthy!!! i know its not healthy!!!!!!#but i cant help thinking it because. well its kinda true#i really need to get a job and get out of the house and talk to people face to face#so i feel like a person whos part of the world again#maybe id feel less of a disconnect between me and Literally Everything Else#i need a hug i think. i havent had a hug in so long im so fucking touch starved#i need to get medicated for my stupid adhd so i can be functional jesus christ#because part of why i havent started actually Doing Shit in my life is. the executive dysfunction paralysis#so many things have piled up that i need to do so i just simply dont start Anything#ugh#sorry for the ass o clock vent post#im okay im not in a super bad place or anything#im just. tired of being my mentally ill and brain rotting self yknow#sigh#delete later
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its interesting when ppl start discussing the experience u have had your entire life and calling it transphobic and stuff 👆 like damn ive been telling people this for years and now im rethinking everything
#the thing in question is saying you like everyone but cis men#ive been sayin this for many years. i just dont. or maybe i do but its such an intangible thing id never date one idk#but i saw someone discussing how excluding cis men others trans women (dont remember exact) phrasing and idk#i kinda saw their point#i still feel like i like everyone but cis men tho#i have had crushes on n dated cis girls transmascs n transfems#i dated a cis guy once but it was very.. if u know me u know i have obsessions with people and those can happen regardless of gender#it seemed to be one of those#before and after that cis men haven't even been in the question of attraction#maybe the fact i have one exception proves i actually do like them or something i dunno#ive also had the dilemma plenty where i want to just call myself lesbian but that sucks 2 any trans men i like so. i go back n forth on that#but i like to have some sort of warning sign on me that says If You Are A Cis Man Do Not Even Try To Date Me#bc cis men liking me irl makes me GAG dude i fucking cant handle it at all#the cis guy i dated was online so like. i could avoid the gag factor i think#but idk#that experience made me realize i could never ever date a cis man again which is classic lesbian expetience 77292929#it is not for me!#lucky strike
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Who up feeling like an outcast and a pathetic worm
#shut up meg#<new vent tag i 4got the old one. block this if you want#anyways it’s like 4am ignore all this i won’t care abt it in the morning >#even in my own (irl) friend group i feel like i dont fit in and there’s no other groups that i even slightly fit into#and everyone always says that its good to be your own person and stray from the crowd but its-#-actually so humiliating because i feel like i dont have my own person and my ‘straying from the crowd’ isnt-#-standing out it’s falling into the background#and all i’ll ever be known as is ‘that one girl from my elementary school’ or ‘the kid in the hallway’ or ‘__s friend’ if im lucky#and those people think it’s funny to talk to me and i hear them teasingly laugh to their friends when they walk away and#sometimes they even do it to my face when talking to me and i don’t know why I don’t know what im doing wrong#and theres been so many times that i don’t really wanna get into right now where ive been left out of things and it#feels like there’s one big thing that everyone’s in on except for me and i don’t know what i#did that made it this way i wanna fix it what did i do wrong what did i do#was it the way i look or how i acted i can go back and change those thing i’ll find a way how just please#please#vent
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hey i’m a mutual who dropped out in 7th grade and i just want u to know that things will be ok. i’m going back to school this year and like you can just stop either temporarily or permanently. i promise u it will be ok
:((( thank u so much this means a lot to hear . my plan has been to drop out for like two years at this point but i never really expected it to feel this much like a huge change even though it was always going to be. and my mother asked me if i just wanted to drop out when i told her i didn't want to go in today and it's sent me on a downward spiral. sorry for putting this on your dash board whoever is online and whoever saw it.
#ugh whatever sorry these tags r going to be so whiny don't look at them if u dont want to see that.#UGHHHEH its just so much. because at least having the option to have somewhere to go every day even if i never take it has been like.#almost some sort of comfort to me. because i don't want to sit around every day if it's not my choice to be doing so.#but i've never had a job. i don't know how to write a resume i don't know how to answer interview questions i don't know anywhere that#would take me that i can get to on my own since i can't drive. but if i don't get a job. i'll be sitting around broke and miserable until#applications for the course i want open up. and i don't know how to do that. the more i think abt it today the more dropping out feels#like the best option but it doesn't make it feel less like the huge step i know it'll be. i don't have a life without school. it's the only#place i ever see my few irls. it's my one source of human interaction every week. what do i do if it's not there for the next#half a year. assuming i passed the test i needed to pass and also get into the course i want. i don't know.#and everythings in my favour!! everything is going for me!! i have it easier than so many kids at my school!#my mother is a teacher and she gets me so many of the things i need because she knows the system. literally two weeks ago she got it set up#so that i don't have to go to one of my classes because it was making me miserable and i was complaining abt it constantly.#and i just feel bad that all of her effort will have gone to waste? i know she's done everything she can but it still hasn't fixed my#hatred for the school system and i feel so bad. I DONT KNWO WAHT TO DO!!! IM GOING TO KILL MY SELF!!!#whatever what ever. i;m overreacting it's what ever
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I find it so funny how online u guys r really only seeing a slice of my personality. On here I'm talkative and social and friendly (or at least I try to be). I'll ramble on and on and on... surely this is a person that likes to talk, you may think
I dont. I actually kinda hate talking in most circumstances hfkshfkdj. Like it's worth it when I'm with people I like, and if I'm comfortable u may even unlock the special interest rambles, but it does still take energy. Energy that I rarely care to give to most people.
So im social on here, but IRL I'm very quiet around Most people (excluding the special few), and I'll go out of my way to Never talk to strangers if I can help it. Granted, it makes it hard to make friends, and sometimes I'll think "man, if I put in an effort to talk to my classmates, maybe I'd have more IRL friends" but when I get there, even if I find someone who seems cool, my ass is NOT casually chatting with them lmaoooo. Just at the thought I'm like Ugh Ugh Ugh Ugh Ugh and so I just don't lol.
Such is the duality of me.
#speculation nation#really u guys r just getting all my words that i dont say to people irl. which is why there are so many.#ive been. Making Efforts... by going with my girlfriend sometimes to hang out with her friends.#and ive even been Making Efforts to actually. talk. during these times. though i still feel so awkward.#according to my girlfriend tho they do like me. i struggle to understand why bc im socially awkward as hell#and honestly dont really have a great sense of humor. fuck if i know how to tell jokes#but maybe not everyone has to be the jokester... and maybe i am not entirely incompetent at social interaction...#just. it's a good thing shes more social than me i think. she can get me to come out of my shell a bit more.#and im trying. with questionable progress. but im trying.
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Goodnight wonderful people who live in my phone!!!
#im sappy and you guys are so cool ;-;#im a bit of a hermit and really bad at meeting with (or moved far from) irl friends so my connections on here have been really meaningful#dont know how to say that without sounding like a loser but i promise its a good thing lol#but anyway i queued a post earlier today about friends thinking of you all the time#and i kinda just repeated it in my tags and ill probably just repeat it again now but its true#there are so many mundane things that make me think of the kind people ive met#i love bonding about interests and characters but theres also little peeks of each others lives#jokes and facts and songs and favorite animals that make me go 🫵 my friend likes that!!!#and dates! ill be like 'oh my friend is doing X today across the globe :)' 'ah i hope my friends X went well across the country :)'#'i remember they love this food/hate this food/has never tried this food :)'#'i remember them talking about how much they like this song :)'#'oh i learned a new saying like this in their language :)'#i hope they feel better from being sick#i hope their pets vet visit went well#i hope they got a good grade on that project#i hope they can rest after work#i hope theyre happy with their haircut#i hope they can dress like they want soon#i hope theyre happy#i hope theyre happy.#i hope theyre happy i hope theyre happy i hope theyre happy!!!#oh shit. cryin in the club. (<- my bed.) not even drunk or hormonal just SAPPY WTH#i have to keep up my intimidating and stoic reputation!!!#so goodnight!!!!!!#i love you!!!!!!!!#rose rambles
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gonna word vomit in these tags oops
#rambling to myself whatever#ik i just need to settle into this flat and get used to living by myself but im kinda like#hmm have i cursed myself w being lonely#i think also this flat is pretty dark bc the other buildings block out the sunlight so my seasonal depression is going crazy in advance#like its dumb but im not very approachable irl so i dont have many uni friends on my course and im just kinda#idk how i feel about it all#if my timetable stays the same i have tues and wed off and im getting in my head wo the distraction#like ik ill be fine in theory but im overthinking rn and its not even 3am lonely hours#and ik i can go out and do things by myself bc i often do but sometimes its nice to have the company#i made most of my friends at dorms but it was intercollegiate so they all go to diff unis to me so timetables clash double#and my closest uni friend is studying aboard in ny rn :(#idk i just feel like sometimes im not on the same path as everyone at uni rn#or maybe ur 20s are really just isolating idk#esp after the pandemic and many many lockdowns like i took a year out and all my old friends went straight to uni#and the diff in experience just meant they got closer and i got further#i only talk to one of them now and shes my ride or die but also she was kinda in a diff group of friends#and its funny (?) to think my main friendship group all still talk to each other#i just dont think im an easy person to be friends with#and idk why#its not for lack of trying or anything i just dont think im the type of person who has longlasting relationships#idk im not going into that rn#i also chose to go to a uni close to home so theres a lot that ive already done#its ok i can always do them again#but also im kinda like what if i just go home !! lmao#and itd be nice but i think itd make me feel worse when im back in the flat#hh whatever let me just get on with it and move on#its only 5 weeks until reading week and i only have this year left of uni#endure endure endure
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I could just enroll into this cheaper but okayish college's BCom program and prepare for ipmat again so that way it's an acceptable outcome either way but that would mean staying home at Jaipur for another year 😕
#i will be closer to family and friends and its overall cheaper that way but at the same time I've grown up so sheltered its embarrassing#like for example i dont even know how to do basic financial stuff like applying for a credit card or whatever#i think im a fast learner when it comes to irl stuff n i can figure put things quickly when i do have to#but living w my parents doesn't put me in those situations where i have to do things on my own#like when i went to banglore for a uni i saw so many girls travelling to the same uni on their own without any guardian#and i got embarrassed sitting there with my father because my parents wouldn't let me go on my own#im so confused rn but also thankful that i have a lot of options rn... if i was a bad student my parents would have married me off#og
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lightly defending Toshiro while also fully understanding Laois frustrations. as a bitch who let teachers call me the wrong name all through high school cos it was kinda funny
#toy txt post#i knew it wasnt their fault they just dealt with So Many Names and i couldve corrected them and i used to#but the thing is that it just kept happening w so many teachers??#so i was like fine whatever idc that much. but also they did usually remember my name if there was someone in the class who actually#had the wrong name they usually called me. i think bc it would stick in their heads more since they had to differentiate so instead of#looking at me and going [letter] name......[common name starting with that letter that isnt mine]#theyd look at me and go [letter name].....but theres 2 names in that class with that letter and theyre different and this one is Not the#easy more common one. [gets name correct]#what really would throw me is when theyd try a DIFFERENT but i think still more common name with the same letter and then lile#like*. sorry bud im not used to that one i cant help u there#my favorite was the print production teacher who USUALLY GOT MY NAME RIGHT (i think smaller class size helped?)#who called me the more common one that im not used to and then stared at me in puzzlement and he was like#why did i do that. thats not your name. and i was just like lmao idk bro#anyway. this has been a really annoying way to discuss this event without actually revealing my name but#its not quite a deadname now but like. as far as yall are concerned im Toy. if you know me irl you almost certainly know it tho#and if youve been following me long enough you could probably know it cos i was less careful about it when i was younger#if youre like burningly curious and we're mutuals u can dm me ig and ill tell u just dont call me that lol#oh if u have me on fb u know it for sure unless u forgot and you see me (rare and unlikely on fb) nd youre like who the fuck is that#it probably wouldnt be hard to guess even. but whatever. if u feel the need to guess (why) just do me a favor and do it via#dm or ask or smth lmao#ALSO: uhhh i try not to tag this anymore cos it feels like its not coming across the way its intended and it has a weird vibe to tag these#days but i feel like this post could use the 'Im a white person this experience im referencing is with a layer of white privilege#and i understand that for many ppl of color or ppl with non english names this happens and its less funny#altho i think due to the vastness of human experience there are probably ppl with non english names who have this happen but it doesnt#affect them strongly and they just laugh it off and part of me wonders how much of that has to do with how much you LIKE and Identify with#your given name WHICH i ALSO recognize can be a more nuanced experience for someone with a non english name thats like#got cultural significance ETC. okay THERE. the annoying disclaimer that pisses everyone off bc everyone HATES disclaimers now.#just imagine. i could be writing these disclaimers for a FICTIONAL ROMANCE BOOK IVE WRITTEN. and wouldnt#that piss you off more? new disclaimer to piss you off more: i understand this is my personal blog and im not obligated to provide a#fuck i was gonna do another disclaimer as a bit but i ran out of tags! fuck okay bye. youll have to make up the joke disclaimer
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i think about these a lot so i am sharing them here hi. actor guy but as a furry. so that i could make my cringe fursona stare at him too
#etc#scratching my jaw. we drew a tonnnn of stuff of him after we went to our live show thing but these are the only lion ones i think#sorry autism must clarify. lion him is separate from furry au for the various characters okay. there are no lion brucies i dont think#i still go back & forth on boomer actually he might be a lion#we have him as a kangaroo rn bc they are meaner & also so he can put his clipboard in his pouch#all are from last year but we dont use that thin sharp brush anymore we use the brush from the 1st drawing. the colored one#chewing holes in the drywall i need to finish my bh roster & also my furry lineup grrrr#spring break in 3 days i will work on them then okay okay okay. autism explosion goodbye#um 'bh' is brucie house btw it's our slender mansion. but we absorbed too many brucies so it is a full neighborhood now#i need to make a POWERPOINT explaining the lore also. for one of my irls that asked for that#okay
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my life would be so much better with a 2nd non-bathroom room and a bunny rabbit
#bnuny thoughts#i think im getting burnt out on splatoon and it's making me sad#idk what else to do i wish i could pursue my hobbies but without space or meds i can't muster the strength i need#also i tried looking for a job today and wow. you even need a food certification to be paid minimum wage??#i just can't deal with this shit at all still#job hunting irl doesnt work and neither does online#too many barriers to entry for the simplest of things#i don't understand how anyone functions under these conditions#im not good enough at anything to be paid for it i guess#this system thinks i should die i guess#food is taking up all my extra money nowadays#and im still running out of food stamps#im eating 2 cups of ramen a day ($3 each) because i keep gagging on the $1 maruchan cups of ramen#i ordered a copious amount of noodles on amazon hoping to keep my food costs strictly on my EBT this month#trying to go out by myself as little as possible so that I can afford to be able to *insert literally anything that isn't play video games*#im so so deeply tired of video games i wish i could experience the wonders of life and reality but that costs money each time#video games cost money 1 time and can be played over and over again#sometimes they dont even cost money#but a drink that isn't prepackaged costs at least $5#and food is even more than that#and no loitering because everything is actually private property#and also i feel extremely uncomfortable in public places like parks because strangers have always been hostile to me (in georgia)#and i have not had any experiences that conflict with that trend as i avoid public spaces (which is easy because you have to seek them out)#i want to be in one but i won't feel comfortable because i will feel like i don't belong#also i wouldnt know what to do#and anything like “daydreaming” or “relaxing” would probably result in my dazed ass accidentally staring at someone for too long#i just don't know how to deal with such an intense fear#at least not by myself
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