#but i feel i should be doing more but also sleepy
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1912 Diary Entries: Franz Kafka
31 January. Wrote nothing.
25 February. Hold fast to the diary from today on! Write regularly! Don’t surrender! Even if no salvation should come, I want to be worthy of it at every moment.
26 February. Better consciousness of myself.
8 March. Day before yesterday was blamed because of the factory. Then for an hour on the sofa thought about jumping-out-of-the-window.
11 March. Yesterday unendurable.
16 March. Rather be sleepless than live on in this way.
17 March. Today, painfully tired, spent the afternoon on the sofa.
18 March. I was wise, if you like, because I was prepared for death at any moment, but not because I had taken care of everything that was given to me to do, rather because I had done none of it and could not even hope ever to do any of it.
22 March. (The last few days I have been writing down the wrong dates.)
29 March. Delighted with the bathroom. Gradual understanding. The afternoons I spent on my hair.
1 April. For the first time in a week an almost complete failure in writing. Why? Last week too I lived through various moods and kept their influence away from my writing; but I am afraid to write about it.
8 April. Saturday before Easter. Complete knowledge of oneself.
6 May. 11 o’clock. For the first time in a considerable while a complete failure in writing. The feeling of a tried man.
22 May. Yesterday a wonderfully beautiful evening with Max. If I love myself, I love him more.
25 May. Weak tempo, little blood.
1 June. Wrote nothing.
2 June. Wrote almost nothing.
6 June. Without weight, without bones, without body, walked through the streets for two hours considering what I overcame this afternoon while writing.
7 June. Bad. Wrote nothing today. Tomorrow no time.
6 July. Monday. Began a little. Am a little sleepy. Also lost among these entirely strange people.
9 July. Nothing written for so long. Begin tomorrow. Otherwise I shall again get into a prolonged, irresistible dissatisfaction; I am really in it already. The nervous states are beginning. But if I can do something, then I can do it without superstitious precautions.
7 August. Long torment.
8 August. Completed ‘Confidence Trickster’ more or less satisfactorily. With the last strength of a normal state of mind.
9 August. The upset night.
10 August. Wrote nothing.
11 August. Nothing, nothing.
15 August. Wasted day. Spent sleeping and lying down.
16 August. Nothing, either in the office or at home.
30 August. All this time did nothing.
25 September. By force kept myself from writing.
Excerpts from "The diaries of Franz Kafka 1910-1923"
#requested#franz kafka#literature#writeblr#dark academia#spilled ink#writing reference#kafka#writers on tumblr#writing prompt#poets on tumblr#poetry#diary#writing inspiration#creative writing#lit#writing#light academia#quotes#writing resources
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Ad Astra per Aspera
Episode 4
Pairing: Pirate!Ateez x Navigator!reader
Genre: pirate!au, fluff, angst, maybe smut
Word Count: 8k
Warnings: none?
Notes: its here woohoo 🥳 i’m lazy please understand, also maps been updated for this chapter
Playlist : wonder by shawn mendes | this side of paradise by coyote theory | in the kitchen by mree
Series Masterlist | Episode 5 | Episode 3
When the first light of dawn started creeping in, it stirred you from your slumber, and you blinked your eyes open to a fresh new day. For a moment, you wondered if last night had been just a dream, considering how you felt renewed and well rested.
But as you shifted, you became aware of something—or rather someone—behind you. You froze, realising you were nestled snugly in Yunho's arms, his head resting against your back and his arm tucked underneath your head. Your legs were tangled together in a dangerous dance that left you more flustered than you’d care to admit. You slowly pulled yourself away and turned around, staring at him for a second, taking in his peaceful expression, his flushed cheeks, and messy hair. He looked so… soft, you brushed away a few strands from his face, the ticklish feeling making him twitch.
His movement made you panic, and you quickly shot up from the mattress, almost losing your balance as you did so. The sudden jerks caused Yunho to awaken, his eyes slowly fluttering open. He blinked, looking at you with a sleepy, lopsided smile that made your heart race.
"Good morning," he mumbled, his voice still thick with sleep. He looked like a sleepy puppy.
"H-hi, good morning," you stammered, feeling your face heat up. You couldn’t help but wonder if he was aware of how close you had been.
Yunho stretched lazily, his long limbs extending out as he groaned. His tunic rose slightly, exposing a glimpse of his toned midriff, which only made your blush deepen. You quickly looked away, trying to compose yourself.
"We should probably go back up," you said, your voice a little shaky.
Yunho smiled again. "Yeah… let’s go before the others start wondering where we’ve been," he teased lightly, pushing himself to his feet and smoothing down his hair.
As Yunho flipped a few switches, the room began to transform back to its original state, the balcony retracting and the wall closing back up seamlessly. He gestured for you to follow him as he led the way back up the narrow passage. The ship was quiet, the crew likely still fast asleep, save for a few on night watch. Luckily, no one seemed to be around as you quietly made your way up and out of Yunho’s secret spot.
Once you were back on the deck, Yunho turned to you with a grin. "Alright, we’ve got a couple of hours before we need to get back to work. So, what do you want to do?"
You hesitated for a moment, still feeling tense because of the accidental cuddle, but Yunho didn’t seem to remember it at all. Maybe he hadn’t known, or maybe he was just brushing it off. Either way, it made the awkwardness dissipate a little.
"Well," you started softly, "I haven’t seen much of the ship yet. Maybe you could show me around?"
Yunho’s smile brightened, his eyes lighting up with excitement. "A tour of the ship? I can definitely do that!"
He stepped closer, his hands gently resting on your shoulders as he led you further across the deck. "Let’s start with the main deck. This is where most of the action happens during the day—sails, rigging, steering, all that fun stuff. Oh, and that’s where Hongjoong spends most of his time barking orders," Yunho said with a laugh, pointing toward the helm.
As he guided you through the ship, explaining each section with enthusiasm, you began to relax. The edge from earlier softening as Yunho’s cheery energy rubbed off on you. He showed you the various stations, the cabins, the weapons storage, and the little parts of the ship he liked the most.
By the time you went around and reached the bow of the ship, the sun had fully risen, sprinkling glitter over the water. Yunho leaned against the railing, looking out at the horizon.
"You know," he said, his voice softer now, "not many people get a personal tour of the ship directly from its engineer. It’s kind of special. That’s why I named it the Treasure."
You nodded, chuckling at his words, "I guess I’m lucky then.”
Yunho glanced at you, his eyes warm and gentle. "Yeah, I guess you are."
You stood together in silence for a while, watching the ocean stretch out before you, the ship cutting through the waves with ease. For the first time since being taken aboard, you didn’t feel like an outsider. You felt like you belonged, even if just for a moment. And standing there with Yunho, you couldn't help but think that maybe—just maybe—this strange, chaotic life might suit you well after all.
Unfortunately no moment lasts forever, as you and Yunho were abruptly interrupted by the loud voice of a crewman calling out for him. "Yunho! Captain’s asking for you!"
Yunho gave you an apologetic smile, "Looks like duty calls. You can stay here if you want, or maybe explore a bit more on your own. I’ll come find you later, okay?"
With a brief wave, Yunho left, leaving you alone on the deck. You sighed, feeling the quiet settle over you once again. Leaning against the railing, you closed your eyes, enjoying the sound of water splashing against the hull.
"What are you doing?" a deep voice cut through the white noise.
You glanced over to find Mingi standing next to you, his tall frame casting a shadow over you.
"Nothing much," you replied lazily, used to people showing up out of nowhere. "Yunho gave me a tour of the ship."
Mingi chuckled, amused. "Did he now? That’s interesting. He doesn’t usually do that. In fact, I think even most of our crew doesn’t know every corner of the ship like Yunho does."
Your eyes widened in surprise. "Really?"
"Mhmm," Mingi confirmed with a nod. "But anyway, I’m sure you know why I’m here."
You groaned, already knowing where this was going. "Not again," you complained, slumping back against the railing. "You saw me last time—I barely managed to not cut myself. Isn't that enough proof of my lack of skill?"
Mingi chuckled, clearly not deterred by your reluctance. "Well, that’s why you have me, right? To help you out. Besides, we're doing self-defence and hand-to-hand combat today. San’s with us this time."
You pouted in defeat as Mingi grabbed your arm, easily pulling you up to your feet. There was no escaping this. "Fine," you muttered. "But don’t expect much."
With a resigned sigh, you let him drag you below deck, where he guided you to a spacious room. The floor was lined with mats, and some training equipment was stacked off to the side. The room had a faint smell of sweat, which made you grimace slightly, but you kept your complaints to yourself.
In the middle of the room was San, already stretching like a cat, his lithe movements making it clear how flexible he was. You couldn’t help but stare in awe at how effortlessly his body moved. As soon as San spotted you, his serious expression brightened.
"There you are," San said with a playful grin as he walked over. "Took you long enough."
"Well, she wasn’t exactly eager to come," Mingi replied, shrugging.
"Ahh, that makes sense." San smiled at you and gestured toward the mats. "Alright, we’ve got a lot to cover today. Why don’t you stretch a bit while Mingi and I demonstrate?"
You nodded, sitting down on the mats and began to stretch your arms and legs. The movement caused your joints to pop in protest, reminding you of just how long it had been since you’d done any serious physical exercise. In front of you, San and Mingi stood at a safe distance, preparing to demonstrate the basics of hand-to-hand combat.
Mingi positioned himself in front of San, his stance wide and solid, while San moved with the grace of a ballerina. "First things first," San began, his voice steady, "we're going to show you some defensive moves. You’re not going to be attacking anyone right away. The goal here is to protect yourself and get out of a situation safely."
Mingi nodded in agreement, raising his arms in front of his face, "First you need an idea on what areas to look out for and how to optimise your body weight to deflect an attack," he instructed.
San advanced on Mingi, throwing slow, deliberate punches that Mingi blocked easily, deflecting each one with minimal effort. "You see how Mingi doesn’t try to overpower me," San said, still moving. "He’s using my momentum against me, redirecting the force of the attack rather than absorbing it."
You watched, trying to take in as much information as possible. They moved with such ease, clearly experienced in the art of combat, while you still felt clumsy even while walking, but you knew you had to try. This wasn’t just some practice session for you—it was for your survival.
"Alright," San said, stopping and turning to you. "Now it’s your turn. Don’t worry, we’ll start slow."
You got up, feeling slightly nervous as you stood in front of San. Mingi stepped aside, watching with an encouraging smile.
"Okay, I’m going to come at you slowly," San explained. "All you have to do is focus on blocking and deflecting. Don’t worry about hurting me—I can handle it."
You swallowed nervously and nodded. San advanced, throwing a light punch, which you awkwardly tried to block. Your arms moved in the right direction, but your timing was off, and the force of San’s hand still made contact, though gently.
San's teasing grin was both playful and exasperated. "Oh wow, you are bad at this," he said, shaking his head. The comment made you pout in sadness, feeling pity at your own inexperience. But he wasn’t giving up on you, not yet.
"We’re gonna be here for quite a while. Let’s do it again, but this time, try to anticipate the movement a little earlier," San instructed, his tone still gentle.
You nodded hesitantly, feeling the fatigue already creeping into your limbs. Each movement took a lot of effort, and frustration was beginning to build. You didn’t understand why it was so difficult for you to get the hang of this. Part of you wanted to ask them to give up, to admit that maybe combat wasn’t for you, but then again, someday you might not have anyone to rescue you.
San threw another punch, and this time, you managed to block it more effectively. It wasn’t perfect—your movements still lacked the smoothness that came with experience—but it was better. You could feel the difference, even if it was small.
"Yeah! Like that!" Mingi cheered from the sidelines, his voice full of encouragement. "You're doing better."
His words gave you a boost of confidence, and you found yourself blocking a few more of San’s punches, though ineptly. Each round started to feel like a small victory. Even though it wasn’t easy, with every block, you could feel yourself getting a little more coordinated. It was a slow process, but progress was there, and that was enough for now.
Finally, after what felt like hours—though it couldn’t have been more than two—San grinned at you after another successful block. "See? You’re tougher than you think," he said, his eyes twinkling with approval.
You managed a weak smile, wiping the sweat off your face. "I’ve never done this much exercise in my entire 24 years of living," you said, your voice exasperated.
Mingi clapped his hands, full of energy as always. "Well, we’re not done yet. We still have to learn offense."
At his words, you nearly melted into the floor. "Ugh, I don’t think I can anymore. I might die at this rate," you wailed dramatically, feeling utterly spent.
San laughed softly. "Now, now. Nobody’s dying. Get up, and we can finish quicker."
With a groan, you begrudgingly got up, forcing your body to continue despite the overwhelming urge to collapse. They taught you how to throw a few punches—San showing you how to position your fist and use your body weight. You learned how to knee someone effectively in the stomach, break out of somebody’s grip, and a few other basic self-defense techniques. It was exhausting, but by the end, you felt satisfied, having learned at least something.
By the time the training was over, it was almost five in the evening, and you were both thirsty and starving. Earlier, you had managed to grab some bread and a banana for breakfast when you were with Yunho, but since then, you had been burning more calories than you could keep up with. The hunger gnawed at you, and your mouth was dry.
Collapsing onto the floor, you lay flat on your back, hoping the ground would somehow absorb you and put you out of your misery once and for all. Alas, that didn’t happen.
San and Mingi sat down next to you, both trying to catch their breath. "You did good for a beginner," San said, offering you one of his cute, dimpled smiles. "I think you’ll be fine. We’ll keep practising, of course, once we’re back from our job."
His smile did make you feel a little better, the exhaustion easing slightly in the warmth of his words. You smiled back, feeling grateful for the time he spent helping you.
Mingi stretched his arms above his head and glanced at the clock on the wall. "We should go eat. I’m kinda hungry."
You couldn’t agree more. Finally, you were allowed to leave the stuffy training room, the outside air feeling like a blessing against your sweaty skin. The scent of saltwater and fresh air was almost pleasant after the dusty, sweat-soaked room. You couldn’t wait to take a long shower, but that would have to wait until you docked. For now, food was your top priority.
The three of you made your way to the kitchen, with San and Mingi walking ahead, chatting quietly about something. When you entered the dining hall, it was much quieter than before. Wooyoung wasn’t here this time, and the room was mostly empty, save for some pots and pans that held the remnants of lunch. It seemed you had missed the main meal, but there were still leftovers.
You piled some food onto your plate—a mix of whatever was left—and ate with a ravenous hunger, barely pausing between bites. It was delicious, like everything else on the ship, and once your plate was cleared, you felt somewhat revived.
"Well, I’m off to find some peace and quiet," you said, waving goodbye to San and Mingi, who still seemed to be in the middle of their conversation. You were looking forward to some downtime, maybe even a nap before the next task came up. But first, you had to check in with the captain and get an update on the ship’s location. With a sigh, you made your way back up the deck, your body tired but your mind a little sharper, thanks to the training.
Outside, the sky had deepened into soft shades of dusk, the air crisp and cool with a light breeze that carried the scent of the sea. You made your way quietly to the helm where Captain Hongjoong stood, as usual, keeping watch with Seonghwa steering beside him. You stood silently next to them, earning a quick side glance and nod of acknowledgment from Hongjoong.
It was the last stretch of light before you reached your destination. If everything went smoothly, the ship might reach the shore by early morning—just in time for you to slip into your accommodation unnoticed. All of a sudden, a familiar voice rang out from the lookout.
“Land ahoy!”
Instantly, the deck erupted with a flurry of movement. You could hear the crew working, the sounds of ropes being handled and sails rustling into place as they adjusted for the final stretch after the confirmation of land. You glanced behind and saw Wooyoung descending from the lookout’s nest with his usual flair, skipping the makeshift ladder entirely and opting to climb down the rigging with scary speed. A small smile tugged at your lips—of course, Wooyoung wouldn’t do things the ordinary way. That simply wasn’t his style.
He rushed towards the helm, slightly out of breath, though his energy didn’t falter. “Captain! We have approximately 350 nautical miles more to go—” he began, before you cut him off.
“That means seven more hours?” you asked, already calculating the time in your head.
Wooyoung turned his head towards you, a little impressed. “Yeah, exactly.”
You looked ahead at the distant speck of land. “We might reach earlier than I thought,” you mumbled to yourself, glad that you had managed to lead them through successfully.
“The sooner the better,” Captain Hongjoong said, his tone laced with carefully concealed excitement. “We might get some time for respite.” He was a man of efficiency, but even he couldn’t deny the appeal of some well-deserved rest.
“The arrangements for our arrival will have already been made,” Hongjoong added.
“I can’t wait to take a shower,” you sighed, the thought of fresh water and cleanliness feeling like a luxury after days at sea. The salt, sweat, and exhaustion from the combat training earlier were still clinging to you, making the idea of a long, hot shower even more enticing. One would think you would have gotten used to the dirt and grime given the nature of your job, but unfortunately for you, you never did.
Wooyoung grinned, his usual playfulness shining through. “I think we’re all in need of that at this point. Just a little while more.”
Seonghwa spoke quietly from his place at the wheel. “Enjoy the peace while it lasts,” he said, his eyes focused on the sea, “because once we dock, it’s going to be a different kind of chaos.”
You sighed, knowing Seonghwa was right, but before you could dwell on it too much, you felt a tap on your shoulder. Turning around, you found Wooyoung with a mischievous smile playing on his lips. He silently gestured for you to follow him.
Curiosity piqued, you trailed behind him until he stopped in front of the makeshift ladder by the main mast.
“We’re going up,” he said with a grin, pointing upwards towards the crow’s nest.
Your eyes widened. “You want me”—you pointed to yourself—“to climb that high?”
Wooyoung nodded eagerly, the shit-eating grin never leaving his face. “Don’t worry, I’ll catch you if you fall,” he added with a wink.
You squinted at him, unsure if he was serious or teasing, probably both. “Alright, but if I die, it’s on you,” you muttered, rolling your eyes.
With a long sigh, you began the climb. The ladder was rough under your hands, and each step felt more unstable than the last. Twice, you nearly lost your grip, your heart leaping into your throat each time. Wooyoung, climbing right behind you, would chuckle softly each time you faltered, keeping an eye on you and helping you regain balance. After what felt like an eternity of effort and several near-death experiences, you finally reached the crow’s nest, breathless but alive.
“Woah,” you whispered in awe as you took in the view. The world stretched out infinitely before you, the sky blending into the sea. From up here, the ship seemed smaller, a lone vessel cutting through the vast ocean. The sunlight shimmered as it hit the waves, creating a mesmerising dance of light across the water, and the ship’s shadow rippled gently below.
“I know, right!” Wooyoung’s voice was full of excitement as he settled in beside you. “I thought you’d appreciate a little change of scenery. Something different from all that running around on deck.”
“I do,” you said, closing your eyes and inhaling deeply. The air up here was lighter, fresher—less of the dense, salty air that fogged around everything on the deck. For a moment, you just stood there, breathing it in.
Unbeknownst to you, Wooyoung was watching a different view, with a fond smile. Despite knowing so little about you, something about your presence felt familiar, comforting, like the easy bond of an old friend. He knew the others felt it too, it might have been because of the chemical that ran through all of your veins that created this invisible link between you. Whatever it was, Wooyoung knew he wanted to savour it for as long as possible.
Maybe, just maybe, you were the one who could help them like Captain Hongjoong had said.
“Thanks for bringing me up here,” you said, eyes opening slowly as you turned to Wooyoung. “I needed this.”
“Anytime,” Wooyoung replied softly, leaning back against the railing of the nest. His eyes flicked briefly to the sky before returning to you. “We’ll reach land soon, but before all of that starts, it’s nice to have moments like this, right?” Wooyoung’s voice was soft, and unusually calm.
You nodded, giving him a small, appreciative smile before you both made the climb back down. Once on the deck, you found yourself wondering what to do with the remaining six and a half hours, and the answer came easily—sleep. Who knew when you’d next get the chance? Dragging yourself to your small cabin, you collapsed onto the bed, and the moment your head hit the pillow, you were out.
You were woken by a strange sensation—like something soft and warm was… licking you? You cracked an eye, startled, only to find yourself staring right into Byeol’s big twinkling eyes. She was perched against the side of your bed, held up by none other than San himself, who was watching with an amused grin.
“Isn’t this the best alarm clock?” he said with a snicker, clearly entertained by your half-awake state.
You scowled, still groggy, and took Byeol from his hands, nestling her against your chest, trying to cuddle her to sleep with you. “This is why you don’t deserve her. She should live with me instead,” you muttered, pressing a kiss to Byeol’s head and closing your eyes again.
San huffed dramatically. “As if she’d want to live with you,” he teased back.
You squinted your eyes open again, giving him an offended glare. “Alright, what do you want? Why did you wake me?”
“Well, princess,” he began, leaning back with a smirk, “we’re about an hour from land. Captain sent this for you.” He held up a large leather backpack, swinging it back and forth in front of you. “You don’t have much since you were… uh, abducted twice. So we packed a few essentials for you, things you’ll need until we can dock, apart from clothes—those you can get at the port, since we’ll have a bit of time to spare.”
You blinked, taking the bag from him. “Ah… I see. Thank you.”
San’s grin softened, and he gave you a friendly clap on the shoulder. “Alright, I’ll leave you to it. Meet us up on the deck in half an hour.”
With a click of his tongue, he called Byeol, who bounded after him, leaving you alone with the bag and a few moments to gather yourself. Opening the pack, you found various useful items—water, some bandages, a small pouch of coins, and a map of the area near the port, along with a neatly folded blanket and some dried snacks. It was certainly very thoughtful of them, they could’ve left you without anything if they wanted to but they didn’t.
You took a deep breath, setting everything back into the bag before slinging it over your shoulder. After a few more minutes of preparing yourself phys and mentally, you climbed up to the deck to meet everyone. They were gathered near the bow, and as you joined them, Captain Hongjoong gave you a quick nod.
“Ready?” he asked, a little uncertain seeing the queasiness on your face.
The grip on your bag tightened as you nodded, pushing down the feeling, “As ready as I’ll ever be.”
With the ship anchored just out of sight, hidden strategically behind raised rocks, the nine of you and two other crewmen piled into two smaller boats, making your way to shore. Once you were safely dropped off, the crewmen paddled back. The added part to the plan was that you’d accompany Jongho, Yunho, and Mingi into the marketplace the next morning when they went for restocking, so you could pick out new clothes. The thought of wearing something that actually fit and didn’t make you look like a shapeless blob made you more excited than you’d have expected.
As soon as you reached the shore, a masked man appeared, greeting Hongjoong with a bow and a firm handshake. The two seemed familiar, as the man led your group to a small clearing where another masked figure stood holding six beautiful horses, their coats gleaming under the moonlight. He greeted Hongjoong in the same respectful manner, and soon instructed everyone to pair up for the journey.
Hongjoong and the masked man rode alone, with Yeosang riding with Jongho, Mingi with Yunho, and Wooyoung with San, you were left with Seonghwa. Despite still feeling a bit wary around him, he was nothing but a gentleman. He helped you onto a beautiful black mare with deep, gentle eyes, his movements smooth and elegant, like a prince, as he climbed up in front of you. Your bags were strapped to the side for balance. You had never even sat on a horse before, you wondered how long it would take for you to fall off. Seonghwa glanced back at you, his expression a mystery as usual.
“You can hold on to me,” Seonghwa said in his low voice, breaking you out of your thoughts. “I don’t bite, and we’ll be going quite fast.”
You hesitated, lightly gripping the back of his coat, but he let out an exasperated sigh, reaching back to take your hands and wrap them firmly around his waist. “Keep it tight,” he instructed, with a small lilt in his tone. “We don’t want you falling off just yet.”
“Okay,” you squeaked, feeling your cheeks heat up as you adjusted your grip. Thank goodness he couldn’t see the flush that spread across your face.
With everyone ready, the horses set off, following the masked man and Hongjoong in the lead. The terrain was rough, the path dimly lit only by the full moon above, but the horses and riders moved with ease, as though this was a journey they’d made countless times before. You marvelled at how the men manoeuvred the horses, their motions so natural and in sync with the horses as they navigated the changing landscape at a fast pace.
Although to you, in the dark, every sudden shift or dip felt like you might topple off, and without thinking, you tightened your arms around Seonghwa, pressing yourself closer to his back. You were sure he could feel the thudding of your heartbeat, but he said nothing, simply adjusting the reins and shifting slightly to keep you both steady.
The moonlight cast everything in a soft, silvery glow, but the wildness of the ride kept you tense, your focus on not falling rather than the view. It was only when you felt Seonghwa’s voice rumble low in his chest that you realized he was speaking to you.
“Relax,” he murmured, his tone gentler than you’d heard before. “You’re going to be fine.”
You heeded his words and calmed yourself down a little, and though you still clung tightly, you were able to look up, taking in the beauty around you. The trees loomed like shadows on either side, the air crisp with the scent of pine and earth, and the ocean now far behind, not even a scent of it in the earthy breeze. You loosened up just a little, letting the rhythm of the horse’s strides carry you as the group forged on toward their destination.
The rumbling of hooves finally gave way to silence as you and the others arrived at a farmhouse, just as the sky had begun to lighten with dawn. The sweeping farmhouse before you was surrounded by tall stone walls, with a sprawling farm and livestock area enclosed in the back, as far as your eyes could see. A hefty metal gate swung open to let you pass through on foot, and stable hands waiting close by took the horses from you, leading them toward the stables. The others retrieved their bags, and together, you walked toward the house’s intricately carved wooden doors where a man awaited you.
“Hyung!” Hongjoong called out, hurrying over to the man and engulfing him in a warm hug. You noticed his sunglasses were nowhere to be found.
“It’s been a while, you’ve grown I see” the man chuckled, patting his back. “I trust everyone’s been well?”
He looked over the group, his eyes scanning each face until they landed on you, and his brows raised. You felt yourself shrink back a little, inching behind Seonghwa.
“Who do we have here? A new face?” he asked, his voice warm yet curious.
Hongjoong nodded, a smile playing on his lips. “This is Aurora, our new navigator,” he explained as Seonghwa nudged you forward gently. “Aurora, this is my brother, Bumjoong. We’ll be staying at his place during our visit.”
“Nice to meet you, sir,” you greeted him with a little bow, trying to keep your voice steady.
Bumjoong broke into a reassuring smile. “No need for formalities. If you’re with these guys, you’re family too.”
You could only offer him a queasy smile at that statement.
“Let’s get inside, then, and get everyone settled,” Bumjoong said, leading the way through the doors.
Inside, the farmhouse was even more expansive than you’d expected, with high ceilings, rustic beams, and warm wooden furniture filling the space. You let out a soft “whoa” as you took in the surroundings, noticing that the others seemed more at ease, now that you were inside. At the entryway, you were greeted by an older man dressed in a crisp suit, whom Bumjoong introduced as Mr. Shin.
“You can all leave your things here, and Mr. Shin will make sure your belongings are taken to the rooms while we have breakfast, I’m sure you’re all famished,” Bumjoong explained before stepping away, “I’ll be in the dining hall,”
The group immediately launched into a discussion about rooming arrangements, seemingly forgetting your presence until you cleared your throat softly.
“Um…where will I go?” you asked, turning all eight heads towards youself.
“Oh, right. We need to make room for you too,” Hongjoong said sheepishly. “There are four guest rooms, three of which sleep two people, and one that fits three. Normally, that one has an extra space, but since we’re all here, it looks like you’ll have to share.”
“Dibs on the three-person room!” Wooyoung called, raising his hand. “Me, San, and Yeosang will take that one.”
“I’ll pair with Jongho,” Mingi added.
You tried to keep the disappointment from your face, realizing that no one had suggested rooming with you yet. Hongjoong, however, quickly took charge.
“Alright, Seonghwa and I will take our usual room, which leaves Yunho with Aurora. Is that alright with you?” he asked, glancing your way.
You nodded, glancing back to find Yunho already looking at you with a small smile. You hadn’t talked to Yunho, since yesterday morning, you had been subconsciously avoiding him to make sure he wouldn’t bring up what had happened before. You hoped this arrangement wouldn’t cause any more awkward situations.
“Alright, then,” Hongjoong confirmed, turning to Mr. Shin. “Please take our things to the rooms.”
The old man bowed, collecting everyone’s bags with practiced efficiency and surprising strength.
“Now, let’s get some food,” Hongjoong declared, leading the way to the dining hall.
The dining room was as homely as the rest of the house, the wooden table set with a mouth watering spread of breakfast foods—freshly baked bread, variations of different egg and meat dishes, fruit, and steaming pots of tea and coffee. You found yourself seated next to Yunho, your stomach rumbling at the sight of the food.
Bumjoong signalled for the kitchen aids to start serving, soon enough your plate was piled spectacularly high with food and you dug in. With a life like this, you wondered why Hongjoong lived like a pirate. As you ate, you found the exhaustion leaving your body, you even joined in the laughter as the guys shared stories of the sea with Bumjoong. Yunho, of course, paid close attention to you, making sure you had enough on your plate and felt comfortable in the loud atmosphere.
“You look less anxious,” he remarked quietly, offering you a warm smile.
You nodded, “It must have been the exhaustion keeping me on edge,” you replied, savoring a bite of fluffy omurice. “It’s nice to be off the ship for a bit.”
After a satisfying meal, Bumjoong stood, clapping his hands. “Alright, make yourselves at home. We’ll be heading into town soon enough, but in the meantime, rest up or explore. It’s not every day you’re grounded here, after all.” Yunho had mixed feelings about that, he felt the most at home on the ship, even after all this time.
With everyone scattering to their rooms or settling into the common room, you decided it was the perfect time to explore. The farmhouse was certainly alluring—spacious, well-built, and grand without feeling gaudy. Starting on the ground floor, you roamed through the expansive kitchen, the dining hall, and a cosy common room where some of the crew lounged, chatting lazily. On the first floor, you discovered three bedrooms—one master bedroom with an attached bath and two double bedrooms with a shared bathroom in the hall. Above that, the second floor housed two more bedrooms—a triple-sharing room and a double-sharing, along with a library and a study. You were struck by how thoughtfully designed the house was, and you hoped you’d get a chance to explore the never ending outdoor grounds someday, too.
Finally, you got to having the shower you’d been craving since you set foot on land. You gathered up your toiletries and a fresh set of towels provided by the staff, making your way to the shared bathroom on the first floor. It was a quaintly decorated space, with a large, inviting bathtub at the centre, surrounded by shelves lined with a variety of soaps, shampoos, and bath salts. Just how rich were these people, you weren’t used to having such luxuries available so easily and for free at that.
After a bit of fumbling with the ornate taps, you managed to draw yourself a warm, fragrant bubble bath. Slipping out of your travel-worn clothes, you eased into the bath, letting the warm water melt away every ache. You washed your hair, scrubbed away the grime, and felt yourself sinking deeper into the pillow of relaxation Finally, you stepped out, drying off and wrapping a towel around yourself, with a second one around your damp hair. As you scanned the bathroom for your fresh clothes, your stomach dropped—you’d left them in your room.
Sighing at your own mistake, you edged into the hallway, hoping the coast would be clear for the quick dash to your room. Just as you stepped out, though, you collided into something—someone, to be exact. You looked up to find Seonghwa standing before you, his eyes widening at the sight. His shirt was open, his perfectly sculpted torso right in front of you, and he looked like he’d just been on his way to shower himself. The air was thick as you fought the urge to let your gaze leave his eyes and travel further away.
Before either of you could speak, Seonghwa shrugged off his shirt and draped it over your shoulders, quickly fastening the top button by your collarbone. “Be careful,” he murmured offhandedly, his voice low. “You can’t be wandering around in just a towel.”
Your face flushed at his words, and you mumbled a soft “thank you,” locking your gaze on the floor. Seonghwa gave a small nod and slipped past you into the bathroom, the door clicking shut behind him. You made your way quickly back to your room, glad that no one else caught you, and that Yunho hadn’t returned to the room yet.
Inside the bathroom, Seonghwa let out a shaky breath as he leaned against the sink, trying to compose himself. The moment was replaying in his mind—the way you’d looked so innocently at him, with your big eyes and the teasing drops of water trailing down your neck and disappearing beneath the towel you clutched to your chest. He felt his own face heat up as he tried to push the memory aside.
Taking a cold shower was probably a good idea right about now, Seonghwa thought, letting the icy water shock him out of his flustered state. Meanwhile, you were in your room, practically jumping into your clothes. Embarrassed was an understatement; you couldn’t believe how nonchalantly Seonghwa had reacted, as if seeing you in a towel was just another everyday event for him. Now, not only was being around Yunho already a little awkward, but now you could add Seonghwa to that list of complications.
You stared at yourself down in the mirror, forcing the flush on your cheeks to fade. “Just act normal,” you whispered to yourself, giving your reflection a firm nod. Fixing your appearance one last time, you headed downstairs and took a seat beside Yeosang, who gave you a small smile. You made some polite small talk, asking about his day and listening as he spoke about the journey and how glad he was to be on land again. His voice was gentle, helping you pass the time while the rest of the group assembled.
Once everyone was settled, Bumjoong addressed the room. "Hongjoong’s already updated me on the situation and the plan," he began, hands clasped together. "Each group will have an assigned servant to accompany them for assistance, except for San and Aurora, to avoid any additional suspicion. Now, let's go over each team’s role and objective."
Hongjoong took over, “Right, so our first team to dispatch will be Yeosang and Wooyoung.” He motioned to them. “Your job is to follow Myung Seokchul, the lawyer…our target. He’s in his early forties, lives alone since his wife passed due to an illness that swept through the southern part of the island a few years ago.”
At the mention of the disease, you noticed both Hongjoong and Bumjoong’s faces darken a little. There was clearly a history there.
After a pause, Hongjoong continued. “Apart from this basic information, we don’t have much on him, except for a distinct scar that runs from his left temple down to his chin. That’s his main identifying feature.”
Wooyoung let out a small scoff, adjusting the old ascot hat he’d donned as part of his disguise. “I can’t wait to see this guy. Sounds like a real charmer.”
Yeosang shot him an unimpressed look,“Don’t forget we’re just tailing him, Wooyoung. Let’s keep this smooth and unnoticed. The last thing we need is to get on his radar before we understand his movements.”
Wooyoung shrugged, but the glint in his eye betrayed his excitement. “Alright, alright. I’ll keep my distance—promise,” he said, smirking behind the dull brown cloth he’d drawn over the lower half of his face. “Though, I can’t say I’m not looking forward to playing the part of the humble farmer.”
Yeosang sighed, tucking a loose strand of hair behind his ear. “If you get us caught, I’ll personally see to it that you’ll be the one taking care of the goats in the morning.”
“Relax, Yeosang,” Wooyoung replied, patting his shoulder with a grin. “If anything, I’m here to make you look even more convincing. You’ll thank me later.”
Hongjoong cut in, exasperated, before Yeosang could retort, “Alright, you two, enough bickering. Remember, this is a low-profile mission. Blend in, observe, and come back with any useful information.”
“Yes, Captain,” Yeosang said firmly, his gaze returning to Hongjoong. Wooyoung gave a mock salute before the two of them turned and made their way to the door.
You watched them go, Wooyoung tossing a wink over his shoulder as Yeosang tugged him along. “Wish us luck,” Wooyoung called out with a confident grin.
“Just don’t blow our cover,” San replied, rolling his eyes, but with an amused smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
“Alright, as for the rest of you,” Bumjoong said, nodding for Hongjoong to continue.
Hongjoong clasped his hands and directed his gaze to you and the others. “The next group to leave will be Jongho, Yunho, Mingi, San, and Aurora. You’ll head to the marketplace. Once there, we’ll split into two smaller teams: Jongho and Mingi will handle restocking the ship’s supplies, while Yunho and San will take Aurora to pick up whatever essentials she might need for her time onboard. Regroup here by 3 PM. After that, we’ll proceed as planned.”
Everyone nodded, gathering things they would need. Hongjoong and Seonghwa were to remain at the farmhouse to prepare a room for their ‘guest’ in the evening. But before that, they had something else to confirm.
Once the rest of you departed, Hongjoong, Seonghwa, and Bumjoong moved back into the library, the heavy wooden door creaking shut behind them. Bumjoong turned to Hongjoong, looking grave. “Are you sure it’s her?” he asked, voice teetering on uncertainty.
“That’s what we need to find out,” Hongjoong replied. He paused before adding, “Are you still in contact with Mr. Hwang from the public library?”
“Well of course,” Bumjoong replied thoughtfully. “He helped us quite a bit back in the day. He retired a few years back, though. You think he might know something?”
“He was part of the Guardian’s Guild here for a while, till their ideas changed. He might know what she looks like. We need to meet with him urgently,” Seonghwa said.
Bumjoong nodded, reaching for a bell to call for Jihye. “He lives nearby. I’ll send Jihye with you—she’s close with his granddaughter.”
A few minutes later, Jihye entered, she was a stable hand at the estate. After Bumjoong explained the situation, she nodded, an three set off toward Mr. Hwang’s humble cottage without delay.
Mr. Hwang’s “cottage” was anything but humble. After a ten-minute walk from the farmhouse, they stood before a grand, albeit slightly worn, manor nestled amidst tall trees and overgrown thickets. Though smaller than the Kim estate, it was still impressively lavish, with ivy trailing up the stone walls and stained-glass windows that gleamed in the sunlight.
Jihye stepped up to the door, rapping her hand against the wood. A servant opened it and regarded the trio with mild curiosity before Jihye explained their visit and the urgent need to speak with Mr. Hwang. The door closed again for a bit, then servant came back, ushering them inside and leading them down a corridor toward Mr. Hwang’s study.
The man himself sat behind a large, carved desk, spectacles perched on his nose as he pored over a large leather-bound volume. He looked up as they entered, a small, welcoming smile gracing his face.
“Hongjoong, Seonghwa, it’s been a long time,” he said warmly, setting his book aside. “What brings you here today?”
Hongjoong wasted no time. “Mr. Hwang, we need your expertise on a very particular matter.”
The old man leaned forward, his expression shifting to one of interest. “Of course, son. How can I assist?”
Hongjoong drew in a breath, and removed his sunglasses, looking at the old man with intensity. “We’re searching for someone—a young woman, we believe she’s connected to something the Guardians were once involved in, if you’re catching my drift.”
Mr. Hwang’s eyes widened slightly. “You mean…the World Z Project?”
Hongjoong nodded. “So you’re aware of what we speak of. I remember you telling us about this ‘legendary scientist’ when we were kids. She was your best friend at the facility, wasn’t she?”
A distant look clouded Mr. Hwang’s face. “Yes, Lee Junhee. She endured so much, only to be cast aside after her greatest discovery. The Guardians discarded her once they had what they wanted. They might have even killed her, but we managed to escape. She passed away a few years back… But if you’re saying it’s her you’ve found—”
Seonghwa shook his head. “Not her. We heard about her passing from Haneul noona. Her Guild has been keeping tabs on the older Guardians. We think it’s her granddaughter—a young woman around our age. We brought her aboard as a navigator, and while she hasn’t shown any unusual abilities yet, there may be something neither she nor we fully understand. Her name’s Aurora.”
Mr. Hwang’s eyes widened in realization. “Little Aurora… Of course! How could I forget?” He rose shakily, leaning on his cane as he shuffled toward a nearby shelf, pulling out a dusty leather book. He flipped through it carefully and retrieved an old photograph, handing it to Hongjoong and Seonghwa. “This picture… Junhee once told me her granddaughter was exceptionally bright beyond her years, though quite timid. It’s a few years old, but she should still be recognizable.”
Hongjoong took the photograph, examining the face of a young Aurora, likely about twenty. She looked younger, happier, her features still touched with traces of adolescence, but it was undoubtedly her.
“Hwa,” Hongjoong whispered, elation laced his voice, “it’s her. We’ve found her. We finally have the link to that damn map.”
Seonghwa’s tense expression softened, furrowed brows relaxing. They had a real lead after six years of relentless searching.
Mr. Hwang looked at them both, he wasn’t entirely sure, what all this was for, but he still prayed in their support. “I hope she is everything Junhee hoped she would be… You have my best wishes. Go, and be careful.”
Hongjoong and Seonghwa rose, bowing deeply. “Thank you, Mr. Hwang. We can’t express how grateful we are for your help,” Hongjoong said.
The older man simply nodded, waving them off with a knowing look in his eyes as they turned to leave. They exited the manor with Jihye, who led them back to the Kim estate. Once back, they reconvened with Bumjoong, who listened intently as they shared everything Mr. Hwang had told them, fixing the pieces for the final puzzle. But before they could settle down completely, a loud, frantic voice echoed through the hall.
San burst into the house, his face pale and drenched in sweat, his chest heaving as he stumbled forward. “Aurora, she’s gone!” he shouted, falling to his knees, utterly defeated. “The others are still searching, but… we can’t find her.” His voice cracked with panic and frustration.
“What?” Hongjoong’s eyes widened, and he shot up from his seat. He quickly approached San, Seonghwa close behind. “San, what happened?”
San looked up, his face stricken. “We were at the dressmaker’s. She went behind some curtains to have her measurements taken, and then she was just… gone. I was right there, and Yunho was with us too, I swear!” His voice wavered as he struggled to hold back tears.
Seonghwa placed a steadying hand on his shoulder, his voice low and calm. “Take a deep breath, San. We’ll find her; we have to.”
Hongjoong’s expression hardened, the calm before a storm brewing in his gaze. “San, take us to the others. Lead the way.”
© alxtiny . Do not steal, plagiarise, translate, repost, or use my works on any platform in any way.
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Taglist: @yandere-stories @passionandsuga @beabatiny @sadtoru @pixie0627 @nagynomi98 @bunnychui
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tonight my brain is fighting between wanting to keep working on clearing out my room so i can deep clean it and set it up as a room again, wanting to finish dailies and some other stuff on xiv, wanting to finish the monthly and the new patch on wow and wanting to play bg3.
#there's no winner in sight and it's starting to get dark so it's like hrmmmmm#feel guilty about not doing more cleaning today?#only goals i had was get dark knight to 90 today and clear out the room a bit#but i feel i should be doing more but also sleepy#it's chilly and overcast today i kinda just wanna wrap up in a blanket and game but also i really wanna finish cleaning asap#once the heavy cleaning is done i can hibernate and game all winter#but it's only about half way atm and mom's getting more ideas of what she wants to do with relaying things out
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Thank you all for an incredible 500 days of love and support. I offer you: answers to questions that no one has asked.
(As always, more can be found in the tags <3)
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#a-qing#jin ling#wen ning#jiang cheng#“Hey wait this feels like there should have been way more content for questions” Yes. There was.#I was not strong enough to redraw *all* of what was lost. Rest in piece the original (lost to tea related accident)#But I'll tell you all the fun other things that would have been drawn out right here in the tags!#Did you know my longest posting streak was 61 days? And my longest hiatus was 6 days?#Did you know I missed posting on 92 days of those 500 days - meaning I posted 82% of the time on a daily basis?#I'm normal about collecting data. I have so much data on this blog for normal reasons. I'm also so normal about art. The normalest.#Honorable mention for the character rankings: Lan Wangji! for “Most improved in rank”.#Sorry Lan Wangji fans but until the audio drama I honestly was...pretty indifferent towards him.#I think a huge part of that was due to the fact he's constantly paired up with WWX; who has *so* much charisma and steals the scene#But I've really come to like him a lot more since starting this project. He rose from mid-tier to being in the top ten!#Dishonorable mention: Nie Huaisang. Who fell out of number 1 spot and out of the top 5.#He just hasn't shown up a lot! And my rankings are fickle! They will probably change once I finish the third season!#My favourite comics are: A lot of them! And the ones I have yet to make!#I'm very sleepy at the moment while writing this but I do want to give a huge shout out to YOU.#Yeah! you reading this! Thank you! If you've been here since the first week or just started reading: THANK YOU!#If you've only ever lurked and never even liked a single post but still read my comics: THANK YOU!!#In creating this blog - I have found 500 days of more happiness that I could have ever imagined.#Thank you for joining me on this journey. Thank you for giving me your time and your support.#It means more than any 'thank you' could say B'*)
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Headcanon: Chilchuck and his Bad Takes on Literature
i think chilchuck would be like my mom in the sense that he wouldnt like sad stories. dont get me wrong, cautionary tales? absolutely fine. they serve a purpose to him which is to tell people "dont be an idiot and do this or else something bad will happen"
generally sad or angsty stories though? no point to him, and in his perspective its really confusing how people just read things that make them sad. like whats the use of reading something if its just gonna make you sad. whats the lesson? its not even real so it doesnt help anyone.
whats the point in making yourself cry when you could just avoid that entirely by not reading it at all?
but the one of the biggest reasons why sad stories exist is to let you release all the built up grief in you. to send you something to let out all your emotions in a healthy way. catharsis. empathy.
even when i dont relate to the tragic experiences in some stories, several ones ive read have lead me to realize that im in a bad situation or that im following in the footsteps of the character suffering. its like a wake up call.
and making yourself cry isnt inherently a bad thing. if crying allows you to let go of building pressure and tension in you then thats good!
but chil wouldnt see that. of course he wouldnt, hes avoidant of most situations that would allow him to release emotion, and fearful of letting his mature (read: repressed) persona slip.
hes someone that runs away to quick comforts and distractions at the earliest sign of issue. hes already been in too many horrifying situations, dealing with another is a pain. and he knows denying everything and refusing to look at the situation doesnt help, but it definitely provides a quick and easy happiness in the comfort of ignorance.
because of this, reading something made to make one empathize with and confront these bad emotions is defeating the point of his cowering. if he faces his issues, even if only through the perspective of a story, he'd have to deal with acknowledging that things are bad and need fixing, and he'd feel terrible and guilty in the moment - which of course is the worst thing that could happen to a person (his thought, not mine).
which is why i find the concept of him being/becoming a tragedy himself at the same time as this headcanon soooo interesting. imagine the irony of him bashing on the protagonists of tragic stories for acting on emotion and impulse rather than logic, when he himself has fallen victim to irrational thinking while in grief.
cause... thats what people do when they grieve. they lash out, make bad decisions, ruin themselves, ruin others.
for a tragedy to be prevented, the protagonists would have to change fundamental parts of themselves, and act perfectly rational when under extreme stress. and chilchuck holds himself to these kinds of unrealistic standards because he unwittingly believes he can handle it all.
he cant, obviously. we see it for ourselves in his relationship with his wife. they were doomed from the beginning by chils already-established avoidance and lack of emotional vulnerabiltiy (and whatever else his wife had going on).
this is all just to say that if you told him about orpheus and eurydice, he'd probably be one of those idiots trying to point out the "plot hole" that he couldve "just not looked back" and "just trusted her"
i dont understand. whats the point in reading tragedies? the protagonist is stupid, anyways. why would you take bitter medicine? why subject yourself to that?
i think its just a bad story.
#EDIT : SORRY THAT THERES NO PICTURES BY THE WAY I COULDNT BE BOTHERED TO LOOK FOR APPROPRIATE ONES IM SORRY!!!#hi. i wrote meta on accident#THIS WAS MEANT TO BE PART OF A JOKE BUT THEN I JUST KEPT GOING AND GOING AND I FORGOT TO MAKE THE JOKE PART OF IT SO NOW ITS 100% SERIOUS#to be fair i was always serious but i intended for it to be presented as a joke#this took me like 3 hours to write god help me#i did this instead of doing my homework. im toast#anyways. hi yes. chilchuck is a hypocrite#feel free to discuss about this cause i find it really interesting. theres layers to this mans hypocrisy HHSDHASHDDH#my fascination with chils avoidance like ive talked about above is the main motivation for tragedy au actually#imagine a world where he gets what he wants. he can change the narrative change himself and prevent anything that could possibly go wrong#and dream up a fantasy world where he can let go of all responsibility and his avoidant behavior has no consequences#id talk more about it but also im really sleepy and should be working so ill leave you with this for now#im... i gotta tag this man i worked too hard on it#chilchuck#chilchuck tims#dungeon meshi#yeagh. yeah!
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sneepy cozy time....
#cats#longing to one day hopefully feel sleepy cozy like this again...#There was a pretty cool week here so I thought we had progressed closer to cool fall weather but... NO#..wrong!! It's like 80F in my room right now and was 98F outside yesterday. We get two more 'cooler' days and then#it starts going up again and will be in the high 90s possibly 100 something later this week#in my mind september should be COOOOOLLLL!!!!! or at least STARTING to get there.. Like mid 80s at the highest.#I am going to explode the world with evil wizard powers aaRGHaaHHHHHHHH#OR at least it should get down really low at night. I think thats the main thing is if it's 95 in the day and only 62 for like 3 hours in#the middle of the night then even leaving a fan in windows all night is not enough to fully cool down the house because its just not#enough cold air or cool for long enough. If it were 98 in the day but 15F outside at night then you could probably bring cool air inside al#night and your house would be at a relatively low starting point for the next days heat.#Like for example - in my apartment on a hot and sunny day. Even with every window#closed and blocked off with thick layers of reflective stuff and also not using the stove or doing anything to generate heat - the apartmen#will still go up on average about 6 - 8 degrees in one day. Peaking around 8 - 10pm night time. If I start off with the house cooled down#to 60F. then the highest it would get is 66 - 68 which is tolerable#.But if the lowest I can cool the apartment all night is still only 75F#then it's going to be 81 - 83F by the end of the day. So really it would be bearable (ISH)#for it to be warm as long as it was colder at night.#Though still the IDEAL is to not have to structure my life around envrionmental management and constantly be checking the#outdoor temperature so I can put the fans in the second that it's colder outside than it is inside and putting elaborate curtain systems#up and down at the exact right times and meal prepping 4 days in advance so I dont have to use the stove for 3 days and blah blah blah#Life in the colder weather months is so effortless and breezy in that sense. I can just have the window open all day and get natural light.#I can cook whatever I want. I can wear what I like. I can move around the house freely without needing to always#carry a fan around with me or douse myself in water.#ANYWAY.... oh if only that were me.... snuggled in a warm blanket ... a comforting wintery image...
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new weird yuri au just dropped (featuring a super old "corrupted" bachikin design heavily based off of her in mo2 (that i should probably remake one day..))
colored version + extra doodles
#adukin mo4#bachikin mo4#mo4#ekurambles#tw scars#i was so sleepy while drawing this so the anatomy is definitely fucked#be nice to me ok..#i love adubachi but i also love fucking up characters severely#i NEED to make a better corrupted bachikin to match my adukin..#shes meant to be sort of based off of both horror game protags and monsters#her ribcage is technically the only real bones left in her body ^_^ gou replaced most of them since they were severely damaged from her-#-doing monster hunting as a big part of her part-time jobs.. she gets pretty beat up in the process and can't tell how injured shes gotten-#-due to the natural enhanced strength of ikenumas#she hates touch because she feel like the ship of theseus at this point. if you touch my body are you even really touching me type deal#if i do end up redesigning the corrupted bachikin i want to add more wings to her#more.. MORE.. MORE!!!!!!!!! she needs like 50 wings.#uh oh im rambling.#oops#ermm..#i should go to bed *embarrassed*
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pretty privilege is real (don't know how I'm getting this much attention when I'm just brain rotted and silly)
#if u r gonna send me oictures without asking for permission (the answer's always no) i will tear u apart idc !!!#do not send me ugly things ✋🏽#anyway if the unsolicited picture is pretty i may reconsider im just a girl.. artsy people i love u#if ur a woman i will be more lenient 🙂↕️ women..#idk what im saying im sleepy but im mad !!! also ty for saying im pretty but i DONT want to sext u ok :(#i should make a dni list ueugh#lal babbles#no one will probably read this but finished love in the big city tofsy#and filmed a few dances 😋 so productive gal of me i love myself#and i love jaehyun <3 maybe im insane but thats actually my dream boyfriend. maybe i should deactivate and meditate instead 💔🙂↕️#manifest a jaehyun....#did not even like him this much before he enlisted#didtance rlly mskes the heart fonder huh#also can more of the girlies follow :(( im feeling weirdly isolated here#i need mutual support 😨😨😨😨
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Gally hides a lot of his panic attacks and nightmares that he got after he went through the Changing in a desperate attempt to be liked again in the Glade
He was kind of universally hated in the books, apparently becoming extremely unlikeable after he got Stung
which is honestly so sad. What he saw drove him slightly insane and he couldn’t handle it and shut down.
#it’s 2am I hope this makes sense my brain is losing itself#in a ‘Teresa lives’ AU I can actually totally see them becoming friends#if I had a nickel for every time a maze runner character witnessed horrors and did bad things#that specifically involved sacrificing one or two people in order to benefit many more people#I would have two nickels#they also bond over being extremely protective over Minho#because I think Teresa would be super duper protective of Minho in Paradise#partly out of guilt and partly out of trauma#she works closely with the doctors to heal him and visits him daily to make sure he’s feeling a-okay#she spoon feeds him when he’s too weak to feed himself#actually she has almost an obsession with bringing him food or feeding him or cooking food for him or just watching him eat in general#but it’s because WCKD regularly starved him or used food as an incentive/weapon against him#and now she’s just extremely determined to make sure Minho never has that happen to him again#Thomas sits in the corner awkwardly waiting for Teresa and Gally to finish fussing over his boyfriend so he can kiss him#Minho wakes up like ‘I don’t remember having a girlfriend as well as two boyfriends???’#and Thomas is just ‘YOU DONT????’#Minho will be sleeping on the couch for that comment tbh#Minho goes to Gally and/or Teresa whenever he and Thomas get into arguments#Thomas is so confused by this. Especially Teresa#‘YOURE LITERALLY MY EX GIRLFRIEND YOU SHOULD BE ON MY SIDE’#idk if I actually agree with anything I just wrote but I’m too sleepy to do things like reread
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is it gay to be so overwhelmed with emotions by thinking about someone you care about so much you almost want to pick up writing again
#- but also it’s night time and you can’t fall asleep even though you need to get up early#and you’re just stuck imagining the lines you want written down#so your only options are to do it now while they’re still there#or not and then forget all of them in the morning and cry#hi i’m the gay one help i haven’t been in this state in a while#i’m just in that state again somehow i guess#probably because i never got a chance to tell this person how something so small for them meant a world to me in that moment#i hope i’ll be able to tell you all that myself in a more direction way but i love you so much you mean the world to me#okay i don’t actually want to scare you off by saying that but knowing what my mind is imagining for this you’d think that yourself anyway#i should probably stop taking now it’s way too late and i’m being tooooo emotionally vulnerable rn#hi guys sleepy night time frab here i’m the (other) emotion + vulnerable one#don’t you love to see it#i wonder if anyone is still down here reading these tags#hi if you are! send aaaa hmmm send a little ‘£; e’ if you read to this point#also why r u still reading? weirdoooo /jk love you#but really don’t be down here too long i’m sorta bleeding all my feelings out right now#because i’m so bad at expressing myself directly and as soon as i want to#ugh i’ll leave now i’m lonely and talking to myself too much again#night night everpony#frabrant#wonder if i’ll write more again… ok i’m LEVAING now gah
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Who’s that- It’s Rouxls. It’s him (Patreon)
#Doodles#Deltarune#Blue Addison#Rouxls Kaard#It has been way too long since I last doodled this man!#To the point where I literally can't remember the last time#I know I /have/ drawn him - I at the very least did a study of him based on thelostmoongazer's stuff because phewf#Beauty boy#But then I remembered the time I was like Hey [SCAR] kinda has Rouxls Kaard hair#And Blue kinda has Rouxls Kaard hair#They all just have increasingly shorter poof-at-the-base hair lol#And in the Darkners' cases they're both shades of blue :D So that's pretty neat#I really do like Rouxls I'd like to draw him more if for no other reason than to cement how to draw him lol#His sleepy eyes are my favourite haha ♥ Wormy nerd love that guy#I also continually want to give him a tooth gap hmmm I feel like it's the Taako leftovers lol#Handsome trash men *shrug*#I am the most pleased by the third one I think it's a decent style to stick to uwu#I should probably try actually toning him at some point too............not looking forward to that#It'd look cool if I could do it right but hhh my liiiiinesss lol
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one of the things i never understood—and maybe this is due to my transfag nature— is the accusation that if i don’t, say, shave my legs and wear makeup, i am “hiding” my femininity. if women (of which i am not included, but do fit into from a transphobic mindset) are naturally feminine (and ought to be feminine) then it should not take more effort to Achieve Femininity. non-actions (not shaving, not applying makeup, intentionally behaving in ‘feminine’ ways, etc.) should not change the status of one’s femininity if it is indeed inherent. but gender, gender presentation, and especially the gender binary, are all socially constructed concepts that aren’t any more inherent than fashion.
#timothy's txts.#this is NOT to say that the feelings of masculinity and femininity and androgyny etc are as much social constructs#but i do think the language we have for them is#also. feeling ≠ presentation ≠ actual gender#i am a man and i feel generally pretty masculine but sometimes not. i will change my presentation at times to feel more Equal with how i’m#perceived or how i perceive myself.#but that’s entirely on concepts other people have created.#i’m not sure how much sense this makes as i am exhausted but yeah#if gender (social construct) is inherent than it should not have to be performed#whatever. k can’t expand on this and put my thoughts into words i am simply too sleepy
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i have my first infusion tomorrow and the Anxiety is kicking in and i am trying so so hard to keep it calm
#marzi speaks#marzivents#EASY boy down boy it’s okay#i’m stressed bc i don’t know if i should bring any paperwork. or medication#(i’m gonna bring some of my meds in a purse just in case)#i don’t know what questions my rheum’s gonna ask#i don’t know what i’m going to do in terms of getting food#will the hospital provide a meal or will i have to request it from outside#i don’t know if my mom will be with me the whole time or just drop me off or if she’ll stay for some of it and then leave#i don’t even know what the infusion center looks like#all i know is that i’m gonna sit with a needle in my arm for 4-6 hours and that i should respond well to it#and my anxiety stems from Not Knowing i HATEEEE not knowing things#uuuuggghhhh it’ll be fine. it’ll be fine. the staff at that hospital are lovely and used to helping stressed kids#so they can help if i have an anxiety attack#and it wouldn’t be embarrassing bc i went through a traumatic experience and these people help people for a living#so it’s gonna be fine. but i hate that i don’t know how it works#will i be in my own little room for a little bit? i imagine not. is there any privacy?#or am i just going to be sitting with a bunch of other people getting chemo?#i don’t KNOW. i don’t know and i really don’t like it#but i need to go to sleep soon. but i still have this stupid insomnia even though i’m tired#probs gonna have to warn my mom that i’m gonna be a little neurotic tomorrow. bc i hate this anticipation actually it makes me feel awful#and like with the follow-up with my rheumatologist that’s also gonna be happening#what kind of questions will she ask? what kind of things will i need to know? ohhh god#ok deep breaths. relax. it is late and i am tired and therefore more prone to catastrophizing#i do know this doctor. i know she is kind and patient. this is not a test. it’s going to be okay#gotta remind myself that it’s gonna be okay. do my cyclical breathing and try to relax physically#the mental will follow as the fatigue sets in#okay. okay. we’re a little calmer. still not Plussed but we’re okay#gonna try to get sleepy now
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I will NOT install more follower mods mid playthrough i will STICK with this gaggle of furries
#also idk i dont feel like having 6 people following me is. practical.#But i do love me some custom voiced followers#theyre so cool#sleepy sheep plays games#if you think i SHOULD get more bitches by all means recommend some
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You used to be my rival!
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#Poorly drawn MDZS#MDZS#wei wuxian#lan wangji#season 1#If you caught the mbmbam reference you're a real one#This one was fun! I enjoyed trying to figure out a background and while i still have a ways to go I think it adds to the panel a lot#This scene doesn't quite play out with lwj doing the sleepy head on the shoulder#but the audio drama makes it ambiguous for a few seconds and *I* want to believe#Also rip to wwx you should have paid more attention to how close you were sitting to your frenemy#Watch out! He's touch starved and pining after you!! Noooo he cant hear us he's playing with corpse parts!!!#I think it would be funny if the resentful limb was stuck in a resentful pose. Might keep the joke up so we can get to 4x middle finger NJM#After this its Cloud Recess flashback time! Lets go Teens!#Edit: I live in a place that still has daylight savings so this is the new queue posting time. Yes I am miserable#Currently making this note and feeling like LWJ in this comic (sleepy)
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you can really tell i mellowed out about zam cause i draw him about as much as i do my other blorbos now aka never lol jk
#mine.txt#personal cw#not really a vent just me musing about my brain#i should really train myself to draw according to when *i* want rather than according to when my mental illness wants#cause like as much fun as it is it also has detrimental effects#like for example my more detailed drawings can sometimes take all night and id refuse to sleep until i finish it#cause i feel the overwhelming need to get it done#even tho i dont Want to get it done cause i want to go to sleep#also should be on tumblr less cause ngl it takes up way too much of my time#i like reading (non narrative) words and tumblr has a lot of them#honestly im never gonna solve these two specific problems until i manage to get to the root of them#aka my hatred of sleep and my want to see other ppls experiences respectively#both of which stem from my emotional negligence resulting in a weird existential kind of fomo#but til then i need to set up some temporary solutions cause this is Not sustainable#like i literally wrote this at 1 am even though ive been so sleepy for like 3 hours now#i think the best solution rn is to take up exercise that way id have no choice But to have a proper sleep schedule cause exhaustion#but i Refuse to do that when im around other ppl and unfortunately i have roommates#so gotta find something else
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