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hermestalaria · 3 years ago

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Don’t need you.

genre; angst.

soulmate au; where soulmates can feel each others emotional pain. If the first physical contact with said soulmate is under negative or forced circumstances, it leaves a mark.

summary; Guzma and the reader are soulmates, but it doesn’t work out the way the reader thought it would. He pushes them away. The bad guys don’t get happy endings.

pairings; guzma x gn!reader

warnings; shitty dialogue, like two swears, doesn’t venture deeply into mental health but hints at the reader’s possible atelophobia.

atelophobia - fear of not being good enough. Imperfection.

A/N; I imagine the mark to be like smeared charcoal or something, I’m an artist so I have a ✨creative mind✨ kidding. But on a serious note, I don’t actually write often since I have this permanent writers block where I feel like whatever I write, it just is shit. Anyways, I have decided to actually post one of my writings for the first time. Shocker. I had the sudden idea to start writing this at 1am, DON’T BE TOO HARSH ON ME. This will probably be apart of a short angst oneshot series bc I’m an evil bitch and clearly like to cause myself and others emotional distress. - Lily <3

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

“You can’t help me, kid. I’m far too gone.”

Far too gone to care.

You remember his voice, it seems like it’s the only thing that makes an appearance in your dreams. Dreams of something better. A better outcome, perhaps?

It was in your nightmares too. Nightmares.

Bad dreams weren’t something that you were used to experiencing, considering yourself to be one of the lucky ones because you never had to deal with them often. Luck.

What bullshit.

Now…now, you had bad dreams almost every night. You couldn’t sleep. Every time you closed your eyes, you could see his face, his bored expression as he stared at you like you mean nothing to him. As if you were someone beneath him. Someone not worthy of his time. Someone not worthy.

You hated that feeling.

Stupid.

“You didn’t even give me a chance.” your voice cracked at the end of the sentence slightly. as if you could literally feel your heart shatter into millions of little pieces.

“Just let me help, please. Just let me help you.”

Desperation. A need for approval.

The team skull leader raised his chin as he literally looked down at you, a thick eyebrow arched as his narrowed eyes scanned yours for any sign of dishonesty. A lie.

Why would you lie? He’s your soulmate. Your person. The person who you’re supposed to love and care about more than anything. More than anyone.

You were being genuine.

“Huh.” The Team Skull boss clicked his tongue. “You’re being genuine. People in Alola have too much to prove. Always looking for ways to prove themselves to anyone willing to pay attention. Everyone’s too caught up in bettering themselves that they begin to lose awareness of everyone else around them. It’s pathetic.”

“I’ve got nothing to lose…and I’m not from Alola, I’m from Kanto. Kanto region.” You tell him, your eyes glazing over with unshed tears of frustration at his harshness that was directed towards you. For a short moment, you could’ve sworn his face softened, but maybe it was just a fragment of your imagination. Imagining what you wanted to see. Not what was actually happening.

“I could tell.” His hands are shoved into his pockets, asserting boyish arrogance. He looked bored. “You reek of weakness.”

You could tell this attempted heart to heart was getting you nowhere. You weren’t always the best at confrontation. “You’re pushing me away. I understand why, really, I only want to help you I-“ you cut yourself off, searching his eyes for any warmth, anything at all.

Cold.

“You’re saying that you’d only want to help cause’ I’m your soulmate, they think you can get through to me like your little friends and Kukui always wanted. I’m good. I don’t need your help. You weren’t there for me before, I don’t need you now. I don’t need you.”

Harsh.

You visibly winced. The feeling of rejection prodding at your already shattered heart like a knife, panging in your chest. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Isn’t it?” A sinister grin formed on his face, picking and playing at your weaknesses, he could do that you know. Stupid connection. He’s the only one who could.

“No. It isn’t.” You sounded exasperated now. Furrowing your eyebrows.

“You’re so mean.”

You could’ve sworn you heard an “I know” in response.

“I don’t want to see your face again.” His voice was cold, distant. But it sounded strained. Like he wasn’t 100% willing to let you go without even getting to know you. To know his soulmate. It was your turn to act cold. “Believe me when I say this pretty boy.” You laughed bitterly. A sour taste spreading throughout your tastebuds as you spoke such poison. Now that’s going to be a lot of damage. “The feeling is mutual.”

Lies.

He tilted his head to the left. Eyebrows raised at the nickname. You walked forward, bumping his shoulder harshly as you walked past him and Plumeria, even she looked worried. That was going to leave a nasty mark for sure, but you could deal with the setbacks later. The grunts worried eyes were fixated on your retreating figure as you walked away.

You stopped.

“Oh, and by the way…I don’t need you either.” You let out a humourless snicker. “I’m not going to try to fight for you anymore, for this…whatever this is, because you wouldn’t do the same for me. Clearly.” You were putting your guard up to hide the unwanted emotions that you were truly feeling at that moment. Heartbreak.

“See you around, soulmate.” The bitterness poured from your tongue like acid rain, as you waved your hand dismissively at the group, not even bothering to wait for their reactions to your confession. His reaction.

When you had gotten far enough, you squeezed your eyes shut. Finally allowing the tears to fall. Something in you was screaming at you to GO BACK and fix it.

Fix it.

You couldn’t fix it. Not this time.

Your shattered heart.

You could feel the tug, the pull…the strain in your chest the further you walked away, the stronger the tug felt. Strained.

He said he didn’t need you.

He didn’t need you.

He didn’t want you.

But you wanted him more than anything. You needed him. Pain.

All you felt was pain.

The pull in your chest tugged at your heartstrings to turn around. Run to him as fast as you could and hug him tightly. Run to him.

You didn’t.

Maybe you were more like each other than you both thought.

You were soulmates after all.

#Guzma #guzma x reader #team skull #pokemon #pokemon sun #pokemon moon #pokemon sumo #shitty soulmate au #plumeria supremacy #I’m gay for plumes #what the fuck am I doing #pokemon sun and moon

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transhoverfish · 3 years ago

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Just curious..

What do you like and don't like about each of the Subnautica games? (If there's anything to hate about these games, they're amazing)

tbh i dont have many complaints about either game, although i have felt that playing both quickly after the other does,,, make the differences super noticeable. things in sub1 i never had a problem w or didnt bother me much have become more bothersome now that ive played bz

like the battery meter on tools and the option to choose where each go in the slot? having to mess w all my tools to get them the EXACT order i wanted (for maximum efficiency of course) was always sort of annoying to me but nbd. now i can barely STAND how the tool menu works/looks in sub1 bc the bz version is.... so much better

I ALSO have a few gripes w bz that have slowly started to bother me more and more as i play. and by a few i mean one thing specifically. the CRASHING. obvs both games have a bit of a crashing and framerate and pop-in issue, but bz is just,,,, so much worse when it comes to crashes.

ive had sub1 on pc and ps4 for like, 3 years now?? and ive dealt w maybe around 5-10 crashes total in those three years, very sporadically? since ive bought bz less than a month ago ive dealt w at least 30 crashes. if i play for an hour it crashes at LEAST 1 time, usually 2 or 3 on average. i quit playing due to crashing more often than i quit after a save and exit. and although ive played sub1 considerably less on the switch, its still not crashed a single time, which makes me think it might be a bz problem and not a switch problem, but idk. i save often enough that i never lose more than 10 minutes at worse, but still,,,,,the crashing is constant. if the loading times were as bad as sub1's (which thankfully they are not), i would probably only play every once in a while bc i just cannot get more than 30 minutes in w/o a crash.

speaking of loading screens holy SHIT sub1 takes like 3 minutes at best to load in a NEW save. i could literally get up and make myself lunch and be back before it loads up on a save with more than 1 small tube of a habitat built in. bz has sped that up a lot which makes the loading screen feel even worse (once again, fixing a problem and then going back to that problem in sub1 just accidentally makes the game a bit more frustrating)

other than those few technical problems, most of which could very well be due to my own old ps4, laptop that doesn't quite meet the spec requirements, and attempt to play subnautica on a SWITCH of all things; the only genuine complaints i have about both is the ending in sub1 being 'make the rocket' after the lost river/lava zone segments is the worst part of the game and i almost never fully finish playthroughs bc that much resource collecting and grinding at the v end is hell! aaand the ice spires can compete with the dunes for "large open area full of death and bullshit that nobody ever wants to go to" bc i spent an hour and a half in the arctic spires the first time i went there in survival! and despite exploring it extensively in creative and having a base right outside in survival i STILL get lost constantly. for the record im usually good at navigating back to somewhere in these games w/o signals, esp if ive been there multiple times. i just get lost in the arctic spires constantly. the ice worms dont help!!!

I JUST REALIZED IVE TYPE. A LOT OF COMPLAINTS. SORRY ABOUT THAT AKRBKABRJRBS ILL GET TO THE THINGS I LIKE NOW I PROMISE

the soundtrack in both games is AMAZING and i geniuenly just listen to them both for fun and get the songs stuck in my head sometimes. theres one from bz in my head right now it plays in the lilypad islands and i cannot remember what its called rn.

the sound design is both games is also really good?? i sit on the bz start menu and listen to the pengwengs, and sub1 in particular is like my favorite sound design in anything ever. i go in creative and just chill next to the creatures SO OFTEN. crabsquids, warpers, and sea dragons specifically sound so nice i could fall asleep to crabsquid noises they're so nice??

the ways the pdas are used for story telling is super nice, and ive always loved the little insights into the characters lives it gives u!! figuring out what happened to sam in bz and listening to all the final pda's in sub1 is always one of if not the favorite part of the games, i listen to every single pda every single time i play, i always feel just as sad for ozzy and keen and fred and the mercury crew and AAAAAA im very attached to these characters <33

also marguerit maida. need i say more.

SO if i talked about everything i liked in these two games i would b here for 3 hours so know that there is much much MUCH more i adore about them and my complaints about the arctic spires and crashing and loading times very much pale in comparison to all the good from the two!! bz is still very recently released so i believe the crashing issues will be dealt w in the future!!

i have many strong feelings for both games AND ive heard that apparently they've already confirmed a 3rd in the making? 👀 didn't look that up admittedly but if it IS true ill 100% b backing it up bc i ADORE this universe and its silly little fish and the silly little people i wanna hug. im full of love and subnautica takes up at least 67% of that love its my whole entire world i cannot imagine shutting up about them and ryley and robin anytime soon <3333

#my brain yanked my disdane for the spires out and threw it into the world huh #i had to explore in creative bc i read trivalve eggs could b found there and i was NOT doing that in survival #LABDKABKRBAKF #ice worms + cold + snow stalkers + not being able to see at ALL during night or storms??#the spires are SO PRETTY and i love snowstalkers and ice worms so much but hooooo boy. no thanks!!!!#even w the whole cold suit u freeze so fast!! but u cant GO fast bc the worms!! aaaaaaaa!!!!!!#i dont usually have too much trouble there but the last time i went i got stuck and got attacked like. 4 times by 2 worms??#somehow me and my bike survived #but MAN that was not fun. whats the point of the hoverbike if it cant outspeed the worms and u get pushed off it when they attack??#might as well just walk and run everywhere u get me??#other than the arctic spires and the crash timer that starts to tick down after 20 minutes bz is a fantastic game #LABRKABRKBS #fr tho i like them both a lot and bz is a lot of fun!!! the trivalves made me cry in joy when i first hatched them KABDKABRK #and the seatruck is my fav vehicle. friendship ended w cyclops now seatruck is my new best friend #below zero #subnautica spoilers #below zero spoilers #ask

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kittybellestark · 4 years ago

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Straightening Things Out

Part 2

Hey everyone so this is going to be a two part fic, tumblr told me I hit my limit soooo.

This is the long awaiting MayxSkip with Bi!Peter fic I’ve been talking about, idk how long a 2nd part will take but I already have a bit written, which is super nice. Uh, yeah, this is heavy stuff, so prepare your hearts, bc mine hurts

TW: homophobia, depression, self harm, homophobic slurs, eating disorder (?), abuse, sexual assault, thoughts of suicide, questioning sexuality, alcohol

He’s not sure how he got here.

Well, he knows, but he just doesn’t understand it.

A year ago Peter was trying to get May with Happy. It seemed logical and safe. May wanted to get back into the dating pool, and while Peter was hesitant about the idea of May being with anyone other than Ben, he felt like Happy could be a good person for her to be with. That was safe, controlled even.

Pushing for May to be with Happy seemed like the right step. Supporting May in her decision to start seeing people again also make sense. Now, Peter regrets it. He should have told her no. That he wasn’t ready or comfortable with that.

He doesn’t understand why he’s in the bathroom cleaning up his own blood. He didn’t even go out as Spider-Man. Peter hates May’s new boyfriend.

Skip wasn’t safe. He wasn’t very kind either. And there was just something about him bothered Peter. And yet when Peter tried to talk to May about it, the complaints weren’t heard or taken seriously.

May doesn’t understand that Skip is a danger, and Peter can’t really talk to people about this.

Six months ago…

“Hey Happy.” Peter smiles jumping into the black ‘inconspicuous’ Audi.

“Hi Pete.”

After a few minutes of talking the conversation finally turns.

“How’s your aunt.”

Peter snorts, rolling his eyes. “She thinks she’s doing great. Still with Skip, he lives with us now. May isn’t very happy that Skip and I aren’t getting along too well though. She thinks that I have a problem with seeing her with other men, amongst other things.”

“Sounds like you don’t like him. I didn’t even think that was possible, you’re like a lab.” Happy chuckled.

“I resent that. I don’t like a lot of people who I don’t need to disclose to you. I was just expecting her to get with someone else, someone who was less I don’t know, just less.”

“You and me both kid. You and me both.”

Five and a half months ago…

Peter and May were making dinner together, the radio was playing softly and Skip was sitting in the dining room, beer in hand, listening to Peter and May’s conversation.

“How was school, baby?” May asked.

Peter hums as he chops some carrots. “There’s a new transfer at school. From Tennessee, he even lives with Mr. Stark.”

May pauses mixing the stir fry they were attempting to make. She smiles at Peter an eyebrow raised, waving the spatula at him.

“Is he cute?” She asked in a song-song voice.

Peter rolls his eyes with a smile. He sticks out his tongue, flicking some water at May. Skip watches with a smirk on his face.

“Yeah, yeah he’s really cute. Blond hair, blue eyes, southern charm and he’s so smart too. And tall. May, he’s also like muscular too, his arms? He used to work in a mechanic shop where he grew up, he could probably bench press me without breaking a sweat.”

“Sounds like you have a crush!” May squealed pulling Peter into a hug.

“You have a crush on a man? Are you gay?” Skip huffed with a laugh.

“Bisexual, actually.” Peter deadpanned. “Is that a problem?”

“No, no, not at all. Just surprised.” Skip laughed.

Five months ago...

May was at work, it was just Peter and Skip at home. Peter was in his room, the door was closed over, and Skip in the living room watching a sports game and drinking some beer.

While this wasn’t the most common occurrence, it wasn’t necessarily uncommon either. Peter would stay in his room and do homework or play some sort of online video game with Ned, Harley and MJ, typically Minecraft but sometimes they chose something else. Skip would watch sports or the news, but never a reliable source, always the Daily Bugle or Fox News.

Today was supposed to be like every other time. Peter was supposed to be in his room and Skip in the living room. But then Skip was in his room with him. Peter felt uneasy. It just didn’t sit right with him having the older man in his room.

“I think we need to talk, Pete.” Skip said sitting on Peter’s bed, while Peter stayed sitting at his desk.

“Sure, what about?” Peter tried to sound pleasant and kind, doing this for May.

“Well, I’ve been trying to broach this subject with you gently, but May and I have spoken about how we can cure you.”

Skip had the decency to look somber. His shoulders hunched forward, frowning. His eyes held remorse and regret. It only seemed to enrage Peter.

“Cure me? As far as I was concerned I was perfectly healthy.” Peter couldn’t help but snort.

“Of your sin, Peter. You like men, and we know that we have to cure you of it.”

It felt like all of the air had been taken out of his lungs. His heart stopped and the world blurred for a moment before Peter shook himself out of it. He pushed himself up out of his chair trying to back himself up, away from Skip. This wasn’t right. This was really wrong.

“May accepts me. She said so. She’s always supported me and accepted that I’m bi.”

“She didn’t know how to tell you she didn’t. She was crying quite a bit. May just didn’t know how to tell you. So she asked me to help fix you.”

Skip got up from the bed, walking over to Peter, trapping Peter in. Skip put an arm on each side of Peter’s body, resting his hands on the wall behind Peter. Peter felt trapped, his eyes wide as he looked around unsure of what he could do. May and Skip thought he was sick.

“She can’t-“ Peter cried, tears coming to his eyes. He didn’t want to accept it. This couldn’t be happening.

Skip put a hand on his shoulder.

“She does, Einstein, but it’s okay because I’ll fix you.”

Peter sat at their usual lunch table, Ned next to him, MJ, kiddie-corner to him and Harley across from him. His leg was bouncing as they all ate, but he couldn’t do more then push his food around his tray.

“There’s nothing wrong with me being bisexual right? Like, I’m still normal, I’m not sick or anything for liking more than just women right?”

It used to be old-hat for MJ and Ned to have to reassure Peter that being bisexual is okay. It was just last year that Peter finally started to feel secure in his sexuality and not question whether he was normal or not. It just always felt like Peter was faking his attraction to other genders.

The group became silent with shock. None of them were prepared for Peter to have any insecurities about his sexuality, and it certainly wasn’t something that Harley was there to witness. It had been such a long time since he voiced this doubt. Ned and MJ gave each other looks, while Harley sat there starring at Peter slack-jawed.

“Sorry. I’ve just been in my own head recently. Bisexuality is valid and so am I. I know, I’m sorry, I just- what if I’ve been lying to myself this whole time? I’m sorry, I know I’m being silly.”

There was another moment of silence before Harley grabbed Peter’s hand.

“It’s not silly to question you’re own sexuality, Peter. Being bisexual is hard because people always try to invalidate you and tell you to just choose. It’s okay to be confused. Prefaces change from day to day and it is so confusing sometimes. We’re your people, we’re here for you no matter how you identify.” Harley smiled, something sad and soft.

Four and a half months ago...

Peter was trying to sleep. It wasn’t coming easily anymore. Skip and May were in the next room over. He should be able to sleep. But nothing felt right. Everything was always off, never normal, almost safe. It didn’t feel good.

There was the sound of footsteps in the hall before Peter’s door opened and closed. Peter tried to pretend to sleep, but the footsteps came closer to him then Skip’s hand was on his shoulder.

“Hey Einstein. I’ve got something for you.” Skip whispered, getting Peter’s eyes to open.

Peter pushed himself up and into the top corner of his bed, knees drawn to his chest. He really hated Skip. Hated his deep voice and pointy chin and crooked nose. He hated Skip’s receding hairline and beer belly. Peter hated Skip and everything about him. But mostly Peter hated that Skip and May knew there was something wrong with him.

Skip dropped some razors onto the bed. All loose and brand new. Peter looked at Skip like he was crazy. It was too late at night to register this.

“May and I were talking again. Anytime you have a sinful thought, any homosexual thoughts or desires just give yourself a cut. Obviously don’t do it in front of anyone other than me, but this should help bleed the faggot out of you.”

Peter gasped, eyes wide and shaking his head. He didn’t want to do this. Cutting himself was not something Peter ever wanted to start doing again. He got away from it, he recovered, and now the blades are being provided to him. Peter is being expected to cut this time.

“I can’t do that. Anything but that Skip, please.”

Peter didn’t realize the tears that were pouring down his face, or how hard it was to breath. If it wasn’t for Skip wiping the tears from Peter’s face, he probably wouldn’t have noticed.

“Hey, no, no it’s okay, Einstein, it’s not as bad as it seems okay, look,” Skip took Peter’s wrist slicing it a few times, just enough to bring up blood up before handing the razor to Peter, “See? Nice and easy. Now I’m not going to leave until I see you try okay?”

Peter nodded, bringing the razor down on his skin and breathing a sigh of release as he broke his own skin.

Tony dropped food in front of Peter, two burgers and fries, before sitting down beside him. They were finally watching a movie after spending time in the lab and now Harley would be joining them too.

“Kid, we’ve talked about your eating habits. You need to eat more than a regular person. I don’t like seeing you lose weight this fast. I just like to see you happy and healthy.”

Peter knew he should say something. The razor in his pocket wasn’t normal and he should tell Tony. And his need to cut every time he thought about Harley, or the need to cut when he realized he was playing into Skips hands. But Peter didn’t want to lose his little therapeutic treatment again. He could do better at hiding it this time, especially with his healing factor now. Peter could keep this.

It’s his little secret with Skip. Peter could keep it safe. It made him feel better, and that’s what everyone wants, right?

“Oh yeah, sorry, I’ve just had a smaller appetite recently, I’ll do better, promise.” Peter nodded with a smile.

At that moment Harley walked into the room, giving Peter a crooked smile, a blush painted across his cheeks.

Peter would have to cut later, for thinking about Harley like that, and for doing what Skip told him and also for scarring Tony. Peter deserved this.

Four months ago…

Peter and Skip were alone together again.

It seemed to become more common now. Or maybe Peter was just getting used to having Skip try and cure him. He hated himself for wanting it to work. Peter just didn’t like himself much anymore.

“Einstein,” Skip slurred, “are you still a faggot?”

Peter flushed with shame, nodding. Peter really hated Skip for making him feel like this. For feeling shame for being bisexual and wishing he were straight. Peter hated himself a lot. He just wanted to be better.

“Shame, thought I’d have you straightened out by now. May is going to be disappointed to know you’re still a homo. I’ll have to start getting more aggressive with your treatments.”

Peter shook his head. He was already so tired, and he just wanted to feel safe in his home. He just needed to do what Skip and May wanted and then they’ll like him. All Peter needed to do was be straight, no matter what. He’s doing the right thing.

“How much more?” Peter’s voice cracked.

“As much as it takes to turn you straight.” Skip smiled.

He now gripped Peter’s face in both hands, thumbs on his cheeks. Skip used the hold he had on Peter to bring him towards the bathroom doorframe- the only metal frame in the house.

Peter didn’t fight. He was doing this for May. May wants him straight and wants Skip to do it. Peter scratched at his legs, where most of the cuts were, hoping that would convince Skip from stopping whatever he was doing. But it didn’t, of course it didn’t. Why would it convince Skip, when he’s only doing what’s best for better?

With his hold on Peter’s head, Skip jerked Peter’s head into the doorframe, with enough force to make Peter forget how to stand. Peter was only being held up by Skip's grip on his head when Skip lifted up his knee, forcing it into Peter’s stomach.

Peter groaned with the impact and Skip let him go and Peter fell to the ground. He barely managed to catch himself, resting his forehead on the cool floor. There was barely a moment before an on slate of kicks were delivered to Peter.

“No,” Peter sobbed, “stop, please, stop, stop, you’re hurting me.”

It was another few moments before Skip stopped kicking him with a huff. Skip sat down on the ground, putting a hand on Peter’s shoulder to comfort the boy. Peter continued to sob, barely able to support his own weight to get himself sitting.

“Einstein, I just want you to know that I don’t like doing this. I don’t want to do this, but May and I agreed that I have to do this. I’m sorry Einstein, but it’s for your own good.”

Skip pulled Peter onto his lap, rubbing Peter’s back to bring him some comfort. Peter relaxed into Skip’s hold when he realized that there wasn’t going to be more pain. They sat there for a while before Skip finally stood up, as Peter’s sobs were finally ending, bringing Peter to his room and tucking Peter into bed.

“Peter I’m worried about you.” MJ said after Academic Decathlon practice.

Peter was wide eyed, holding his book bag in front of him, using it as a shield. His clothing that used to only be a little bit large on him, now swallowed him completely, his cheekbones were sharper and anytime his sweater moved a little bit, his collar bone was revealed to be protruding from his chest. Peter flinched at people who moved too fast and his skin was pale with dark bags under his eyes.

“I’m okay MJ.” Peter smiled, but his eyes were still empty.

“Are you cutting again? You’re acting like you used too. I don’t like seeing you lose your spark.”

MJ moved forward, grabbing Peter’s hands in her own. His hands were cold against hers and shaking slightly. Her head tilted just a bit as she searched for answers on Peter’s face.

“I’m not- no, I moved past that.” Peter lied.

He couldn’t tell her. He needed to cut. He needed the freedom it gave him, the relief. It was one of the only things he had anymore that he still enjoyed. By telling MJ, Peter would lose his sanity. Everything would be okay as long as he had a razor on him, as long as he got to cut his skin open.

But he should tell her. Maybe that would get everything to end. If he just told someone, maybe Skip would stop hurting him. Or maybe they’d push for Skip to continue on with trying to cure him. This was for the best, after all.

“Peter, you’re one of my best friends, okay? So if you were cutting again, hypothetically speaking, know that you can come to me, I won’t tell anyone. Not even May or my parents.”

Peter nodded, looking away from her, hating himself for lying and hating that MJ was trying so hard. It would have been so much easier if he just liked MJ instead of Harley.

“Look, look, MJ, see no cuts,” Peter rolled up his sleeves to show healed skin and no scars, “I promise, I’m just a little stressed out right now, don’t worry about me. I’m just focusing on myself for now, I’ll be okay.”

“Okay, well, when is the last time you ate?”

“Right before practice.”

It felt nice for Peter to actually tell the truth. He was eating almost as much as usual. Typically the same amount unless he had time alone with Skip. Peter was just stressed and sometimes couldn’t keep his food down, but he still ate more than enough. He should be able to keep up his weight, the weight loss just sort of happened.

Three and a half months ago…

May was working the overnight shift again. It was a school night so Peter was at the apartment with Skip instead of the Tower like he would be on weekends.

Peter was finally sleeping, well actually he was passed out from exhaustion, but it was still a sort of sleep, technically. Somewhere between Skip moving in and their ever-more-frequent talks “chats,” Peter started to lose sleep. He would stay awake later, slit his wrists longer, and on top of that the surprise beatings from Skip were really taking an affect on Peter. All except the desired affect.

Peter was still bisexual. He didn’t want to be bisexual anymore. He just wanted to be normal, straight. Liking men was wrong, Peter was wrong. May and Skip just wanted what was best for Peter. And this was what was best. Skip was just helping Peter. He was straightening Peter out. This was just want needed to be done.

Skip stumbled into Peter’s room. He saw that Peter was tucked in under his blankets deep in sleep and Skip couldn’t help but climbing into the bed too. He pulled the teen into his body, breathing in how Peter smells, nuzzling his nose behind Peter’s ear.

Peter woke up trapped in Skips arms. He panicked trying to get out, it was just like The Vulture dropping a building on him again. But this time it wasn’t concrete but instead a man. A man who was supposed to be in love with his aunt.

“Skip.” Peter whined trying to wriggle free.

The older man moaned, moving a hand down to feel Peter’s length.

“I didn’t realize that you’d rub off on me. You’re trying to turn me into a homo. Einstein, you’re rejecting your treatment and trying to change me instead, and I don’t tolerate this very much.”

Peter shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. His whole body shook with nerves, and he thought he was going to vibrate out of his body.

“Skip, I promise I’m taking this seriously. I should be straight, I want to be straight. Just like you Skip, I’m trying really hard to be straight. I promise, I don’t want to be a disappointment to you or May anymore.”

The older man laughed, holding onto Peter tighter. He ground his hips further into the teen, making Peter whine and squirm more trying to break free.

“Einstein,” Skip moaned, “You’re ass, I swear it’s a woman’s. Your such a fairy, Einstein. I could just imagine you as a woman, you’re hair at your shoulders, this great ass and a tight pussy, your tit’s would probably be smaller, barely a handful, but you’d be so cute. Too bad you’re just bent.”

Harley sat across from Peter, cheeks blushed, watching Peter carefully. Peter no longer felt that the freckles painted across Harley’s cheeks and nose were cute, and he no longer felt comforted by being in Harley’s presence. Now Peter only felt dread. There was no more warmth or the feeling of being safe.

Peter wasn’t attracted to Harley. He didn’t want to be with Harley, he was afraid of Harley. What Skip was doing was working. Peter was going straight. He wasn’t going to be bisexual anymore, he was only going to like women now. Peter wasn’t going to be a freak or a fag or a fairy or a homo or bent. Peter was going to be straight. Skip was fixing him.

“Peter are you okay? You’ve been really spacey recently.” Harley asked keeping his voice soft and cautious.

Peter smiled. It didn’t feel natural and probably didn’t look all that genuine, but Peter felt like he should be happy. He was happy that he this meant that May and Skip will not be disappointed in him. Maybe then Skip will like him. Now they can be a family

This is going to fix all of his relationships. People are going to like him better if he’s straight. He’ll only like women and be normal. It’ll solve so many problems for him.

“Yeah, Harls, I think I’m actually really good. Like, for real.”

Peter laughed, not one of his soft, bubbly and contagious laughs, the ones he was known for. Instead it was hallow and empty, self deprecating even. Harley’s eyes widened, suddenly more concerned for Peter than he’d been previously.

“Peter...” Harley sighed.

He reached out to grab Peter’s hand, watching Peter flinch back hard. Harley saw the moment Peter recognized what he did and how he tried to shake himself out of it, but he also saw how Peter moved to stay farther away from him.

“I’m good, Harls, really.” Peter nodded again.

“No, you’re not. There’s something seriously wrong. I’m going to figure it out. I’m going to make sure you’re okay.”

Three months ago…

Peter and Skip were finally alone. May had been on a stretch of day shifts and Peter’s friends were more persistent on having Peter go out with them during evenings. They were even tracking his food intake. The group was becoming obsessive over Peter now. And Peter was sick of it.

But now Peter was home alone with Skip. He could finally tell the man the good news. It’s been well over a week since Peter had and romantic or sexual feelings for another man. There’s only been fear, with any he looked at. Peter didn’t want to be attracted to men. Skip was curing him. May and Skip will finally accept him again.

As soon as May stepped out of the apartment Peter left his bedroom and sat down on the couch beside Skip. The man smiled at the boy, licking his lips before pinning Peter onto the couch. Skip groped at Peter for a moment, before pressing sloppy kisses onto his neck.

“No, stop, Skip I don’t like this.” Peter fought. “I just wanted to tell you that it worked. I don’t- I’m straight. You cured me. It worked. You and May don’t have to be disappointed in me anymore.”

Skip laughed. Loud and boisterous, pressing his weight down onto Peter. His hands moved up and down the teens frame, removing Peter’s clothes. Peter struggled harder, tears pouring down his face, sobbing out pleas to be let go. He tried fighting it, fighting Skip to keep his clothes on.

“You see Einstein, while I’ve made you straight, you’ve made me a fag. So this is going to have to continue, just a little until I no longer view your twink-ass as jailbait.”

Peter sobbed harder, trying to use his elbows to get away. Instead, Skip just pressed a hand into a patch of fresh cuts, forcing Peter’s vision to white out for a moment, that was just long enough to take off Peter’s underwear off.

“Skip, Skip no. No. I’m not. I swear, I didn’t make you like men. I didn’t do it. I’m straight now. You fixed me, I swear. You need to stop. You don’t want to go there. You don’t want this.”

Peter tried begging. He tried pleading, but he couldn’t stop Skip. It was too late. Skip had a plan and he wasn’t going to stop.

“Real funny that you think you know what I want, Einstein. This is for the best though, I promise, I’m doing this for you.”

It was movie night with May. Skip was out meeting up with his old friend was college. So it was just Peter and May. In their living room.

Peter couldn’t sit on the couch. Well, sitting in general wasn’t really working. So Peter just laid down on the ground, and May took the couch.

“Peter, I’m proud of you, you know that?” May finally spoke, halfway through Tangled.

“You are?” Peter didn’t anticipate his voice cracking, but hearing that May was proud of him? It was worth everything.

“Of course, baby. Skip told me that you let him help you, and I’m so proud of you for accepting help. He said that you’re problem was resolved with his help too. I’m so glad you two are getting along.”

Peter heard the words of confirmation that what Skip has been doing is what May also wants. She’s proud of him. She’s happy that Skip fixed him. May is glad that Peter is straight and that Skip turned him. It breaks Peter’s heart to actually hear it from May.

Peter never wanted to do it anyways.

And yet here he is. Having done it for her. He did this for May. To be accepted by May. So that he isn’t a disappointment in her life. And he isn’t happy. He’s not happy with himself, or Skip or May. Peter thought this would make him happy.

Peter wishes he born properly. Born straight. Born not wanting to harm himself. He wishes that the feeling that he needs to die never existed. Peter wishes he could be himself and be loved by his family. It shouldn’t have to be one of the other.

“Thanks.”

He tried not to choke on the acid rising up his throat.

Two and a half months ago…

It doesn’t stop. Skip doesn’t stop. His brain doesn’t stop. The fear didn’t replace the attraction like Peter originally thought. It’s just more confusing now.

Peter just wanted this to end.

Skip wasn’t going to end this.

Tony and Pepper had invited Peter, May and Skip over for dinner. Tony had made loads of his famous lasagna, and Pepper made a spinach dip appetizer and they ordered cheesecake for dessert.

All the adults seemed to be having a conversation together while Harley and Peter talked among themselves.

“I have an announcement.” Skip smiled at May, bringing the attention to himself.

“I asked May to marry me yesterday and she said yes.”

Peter was sure that this would be what killed him. Skip was his life sentence for whatever Peter did wrong. Skip was going to be his step-uncle, his new guardian.

Tony, Pepper and Harley congratulated the couple, and Tony patted Peter’s shoulder. Wine was brought out Peter couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’m just, I’m going to the bathroom, I’ll be back.” Peter smiled pushing himself out of his spot.

“Hurry back Einstein, we’re gonna be a family, we have to celebrate together.”

Peter was going to be sick.

He nodded and left the room, shutting himself in the bathroom and throwing up.

This isn’t what he wanted. Skip can’t be there for the rest of his life. This was wrong. Everything about this was wrong.

One month ago…

Peter was sure Skip was going to kill him. Or use him forever.

Peter didn’t like either option.

“I don’t want them to get married.” Peter confessed.

Happy pulled the car over, turning in his seat to see Peter. The kid wasn’t looking very good, he reminded Happy of 2008 era Tony. It wasn’t a very good look on a kid.

“You feel like it’s too soon after Ben? Or is it because of how fast-paced their relationship has been?”

Peter had tried not to think about Ben since Skip moved in. He didn’t want to picture the look of disappointment Ben would give him. Peter didn’t want to think that he is a failure in Ben’s eyes. Ben would believe that Peter brought this onto himself.

‘With great Power Comes Great Responsibility.’

Ben always said that. And yet Peter failed. He gave away his power, and was completely responsible for where he is now. Peter did everything wrong and Ben would know that. He took his uncles advice, his dying words, and ruined them, broke them, tossed them in the trash and set them on fire. Ben would hate this Peter, and Peter knew that like he knew how to breathe.

“Oh, uh, yeah. I just- I don’t think I’m ready for May to be married yet. It just feels like Skip is trying to replace his spot. I don’t want the to get married yet.”

Happy nodded in understanding, trying to give the teen a small smile.

“Pete, no one is ever going to replace Ben. He was your uncle, your guardian, your parent, he raised you. Skip could never live up to that.”

Present day…

There’s blood.

Peter is in the bathroom cleaning up his own blood and he doesn’t understand how he got here.

Well, he knows how. He just doesn’t understand it.

And he doesn’t know where to start cleaning it. Peter doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. This was all horribly wrong.

Peter knew he couldn’t stay here much longer though. Skip had gone back to his own bedroom, after a rough ‘session’ with Peter. And now Peter is alone, and bleeding and he needs to get out.

Peter picks up his phone and makes a call.

“Hey, can you uh, come pick me up, I can’t stay here, I need, uh I need to get out of here.”

“Yeah kid, you got it. I’ll be there in half.”

“Meet me, uh, two blocks up from here actually.”

“You okay, Underoos?”

Peter hung up the phone.

He hoped in the shower hoping the water would get rid of the blood, hoping the soap would wash Skip away. And when that didn’t work Peter put on an oversized sweater and large sweatpants. Peter packed untainted clothing into his book bag and left through his window and down the fire escape, putting his hood up.

This was a mistake.

Leaving was a mistake. Skip was only doing what he thought was- no. No. No. Peter can’t go back.

He won’t live through this. Peter doesn’t want to live through this.

He scratched at his arms as he made it to the spot that Tony was supposed to pick him up.

Peter was going to be sick.

How could he let it get this far? Peter shouldn’t have let this happen. This was all wrong. Why is he relying on Tony to take him away. What if Tony agrees with Skip?

Peter coughed up blood.

New plan.

Go with Tony, make sure his stomach isn’t bleeding, once he’s good, leave. Go fast. Stay away from cameras. Go to Canada. Or Florida. Get out of New York. Go far. Somewhere where May and Skip won’t think he’ll go.

Tony pulls up and Peter hops into the car quickly. Tony doesn’t start driving right away though. Instead he looks at Peter, seeing the fear in the boys eyes, as well the way he is unconsciously scratching his arms.

“What’s happening?”

Peter shakes his head, tears filling his eyes.

“Please, just drive, I can’t be here. Can’t be in the city right now.”

“Is this drugs?” Tony asks as he starts to drive, hoping that Peter won’t leave. “I don’t care if it is, I can get you help.”

“It’s not drugs. It’s probably be easier if it was drugs. Honestly, I wish it was drugs. I can’t go home though, okay? Please don’t tell May.”

“Okay. We can do that for now but I will eventually have to tell her where you are so her and Skip don’t get worried.”

“You can’t” Peter shouted jerking upright and pushing himself further away from Tony. “You can’t. Skip can’t know. He’ll kill me, I swear, he can’t know, I can’t go back.”

Tony nodded, as Peter seemed to fall apart in front of him, hoping that appearing casual while driving will keep Peter talking.

“So we don’t like Skip, alright. Is there a reason why?”

Peter sobbed and Tony was tempted to pull over right then and there, but he knows that scaring Peter would cause him to run, so he needs to keep driving.

“He said he’d help. He did the opposite.”

Tony hummed, bringing them out of the city and towards the compound. Peter was rocking himself slightly, clearly uncomfortable. He started to cough, blood splattering across his arms.

“What the hell, Parker?” Tony said stepping on the gas.

“No Skip, Tony. Promise me, we don’t get him involved even if that means keeping May in the dark. You bring Skip into this then I’m leaving. Okay?”

“Jesus, yeah, okay, promise. We’ll keep him out of this, I got you. No Skip, we don’t want him, I got it Pete.”

Peter nodded, feeling relief wash over him as he was finally in a safe spot. He was out. He was out of that god forsaken apartment. No Skip means he’s safe. Safety means he can finally sleep. So he closed his eyes.

Tag List: DM or send and ask if you would like to be added, if you only want to be tagged in pt2 please make that clear

@peterbeanie @jean-and-diet-coke @dead-inside-pt2 @they-were-cloudsinmycoffee

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straycat-writes · 5 years ago

Note

i saw that you write for ikemen vampire as well, so if it's alright with you i was wondering if you could write headcanons for mozart, vincent, comte, and arthur with a depressed/suicidal s/o who's main coping mechanism is humor? like they joke abt suicide a lot + make jokes abt feeling shitty when asked since they dont wanna worry anyone much but their jokes start getting increasingly concerning bc its smth i do a lot lol,, u dont need to do this if ur not comfortable.. thx and love your work!!

anon added: wait fuck i just remembered only three characters for headcanons so just do it for mozart, vincent, and arthur. thank u!

notes: Whaaat, come on, you cannot just do my husband dirty like that, of course I’ll do all four 😆 Before we begin, since everyone experiences stuff like this differently, our experiences might not be exactly the same, so these might not be universal. In any case, I hope you feel better 🥺💕

trigger warning(s): depression, mentions of suicide, and suicidal ideation.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

He did notice the jokes each time, but at first, he didn’t necessarily feel the need to intervene.

Once was alright, he thought you might just have a different sense of humor. Twice was morbid, but he brushed it off. But thrice was downright worrying, and he was starting to suspect something might be wrong.

He observed you make increasingly dark jokes for weeks on end, and brush off anyone who tried to ask you about them, before he decided that enough was enough.

“What is wrong with you?”

It’s a blunt question, completely tactless, but only because he’s actually quite concerned and doesn’t how else to put it. Nonetheless, it catches you off-guard.

“What do you mean?”

He rolls his eyes, “Don’t play dumb with me, (y/n). Have you been spending too much time with shitty Dazai again?”

When you don’t say anything, the scowl on his face melts into a concerned frown. He wants to help, he really does, but it’s hard for someone like him to deal with such heavy feelings, whether his own or someone else’s. After all, words have never been his preferred medium of expression.

So, he decides not to use them. Instead, he envelopes you in a long, silent hug. It’s a little stiff, but when you start crying softy on his shoulder, he gives in and pulls you even closer, gently stroking your hair.

Up until then, you had no idea that the stern, ice-cold Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart could ever feel so…familiarly warm and soft, with his arms around you.

“I’m not asking you to confess anything, (y/n). I’m not even asking you to tell me anything. I…actually have no idea how to fix any of this, but…Just…know that you don’t have to deal with this on your own.”

Vincent van Gogh

Out of everyone, it would probably take Vincent the least time to notice when something is wrong with you.

The morbid humor is one thing, but what really concerns him is how hollow your laugh has started to sound, and the glazed…empty look you get in your eyes when you think no one is looking.

He notices because he knows what to look for, because he has already seen too much of it, in himself.

“(Y/n), sweetheart, are you okay?”

“Hm? Yes, of course, Vincent. Why do you ask?”

“…Why do you think?”

There is a certain look in his eyes, so wistfully sad, as if mourning something he hasn’t even lost yet, and you just know that he knows. There is no use lying to him. In hindsight, you think, you should have known you could hide it from anyone except him.

When a lone tear slips down your cheek, he gently wipes it away and holds your face with both hands, looking into your eyes. To your surprise, and immense pain, his own are glistening with tears too.

“Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

“…Because it’s my problem and I didn’t want to drag you down with me.”

You realize it doesn’t make much sense now when you say it out loud, but you knew he was all too familiar with this complete and utter despair, this emptiness you felt inside of yourself, and you never wanted him to feel it again, even if it was by proxy.

But now, he stands in front of you, hands on either side of your face, and he places a chaste, gentle kiss on your forehead. He doesn’t say anything, but you realize what he means. I’m here. I understand. You’re not alone.

(note: for those who don’t know, Vincent van Gogh committed suicide at the age of thirty-seven.)

Le Comte de Saint-Germain

He is used to the residents of his mansion having…strange sense of humor and habits, honestly.

Even so, when you make a jest about killing yourself for the fifth time in a row, he can’t help but be worried. There are only two explanations, you either just have a very, very dark idea of humor, in which case there was nothing much he could do except gentle advisory, or there was indeed something very wrong.

He keeps hoping it’s not the latter, but days pass and your jokes keep getting more and more morbid, and any attempts to talk to you about the issue are only met with smooth elusiveness.

“I’m only kidding, Comte. Of course, I’m not going to throw myself off the roof. Probably.”

“…I think we need to talk, ma cherie.”

That sentence in itself is enough to scare anyone half to death, and when you have so much to hide, even more so.

The talk is long and tedious, with quite a lot of repressed emotions involved. On your part, first there is the defensive anger. Of course, there isn’t anything wrong, how dare he imply otherwise? Then there is the desperate denial, because ‘ignore the problem until it goes away’, right? Except, this problem isn’t going away on its own, and you both know that.

Finally, there is the reluctant acceptance, and a lot of crying. Throughout this, he is as calm and collected on the outside as he always is, even when you grip the front of his coat and cry in his embrace. You’re barely holding yourself together, so he needs to be your support.

But on the inside, there is a storm raging. You were supposed to be his responsibility. He was the one who brought you here, and he was just watching you wither away like this in front of his eyes? What kind of a person did that make him? Just how much of a failure is he?

“I’m so sorry for not noticing sooner, ma cherie. I have failed you.”

“Wh-what?”

“I was supposed to protect you from everything, including yourself. Evidently, I have failed at that, and my heart aches at the thought of you suffering all on your own. But I intend to rectify my fault a thousand times over.”

You stare up at him with wide eyes, and without a warning, more tears spill.

Arthur Conan Doyle

Peculiar taste of humor is kind of Arthur’s brand. He enjoys his shamelessly perverted jokes, so he assumed you enjoy your dark ones.

Even so, he does get a little worried when he notices how your first instinct to almost anything is self-deprecation and jokes about killing yourself at the slightest provocation, and how you laugh a little too loud and too much when asked about any of it.

The more he notices, the more concerned he gets, and the more confused about just what to do about it.

At first, he tries to deflect your morbid jokes with some of his own, just to see how you would react. But the moment he talks of killing himself, you go pale, asking him to stop with such distress in your voice that he ends up feeling guilty.

But even after that, it doesn’t stop you from doing it yourself.

“Welp, guess I’ll just go drown in a river somewhere.”

“Ahahaha, but consider this, how about you…don’t?”

He’s always so playful, and even fickle that it almost slips your mind that he is a writer, after all, and a very observant one at that. He is intelligent and notices every little thing, even if he doesn’t show it. That includes the fact that your laugh has been sounding more and more empty lately, your smile seeming more and more like fake plastic.

So, when he confronts you about it, it takes you by surprise.

“Whatever do you mean, Arthur? I’m fine.”

“Right…Stop lying to me, (y/n).”

You frown. You should have known how hard it would be to hide anything from Arthur for too long. How long did you really think you could keep up this façade? The realization comes like a slap to the face, and it’s almost like your metaphorical mask drops. You start crying.

He is distressed at the sudden turn of events, but tries his best to console you. As he hugs you to his chest, gently rubbing soothing circles on your back, he wonders if he could have done something to help you sooner.

“Listen, sweetheart. I don’t claim to know what you’re going through, but I do know that you need help. I know I cannot just fix whatever…this is, but I can promise that I’m going to be here with you, through everything”

You laugh bitterly, “It gets ugly.”

“I don’t care.” He shakes his head, “I’m going to be here with you, whether you want me to be or not, and I promise to hold you together as you scream your throat raw trying to hold yourself together, promise to…stand by you as you save yourself. You do not have to do this alone.”

He kisses you softly, only for a moment, soft and true on the lips.

“Show me every dark and hideous, every bitter thing about your soul…and then, let me love you anyway.”

#wolfgang amadeus mozart #vincent van gogh #le comte de saint germain #arthur conan doyle #mozart x reader #vincent x reader #saint germain x reader #arthur x reader #ikevamp x reader #ikemen vampire #headcanons #imagines

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butlerbarb · 5 years ago

Text

Comfort (Leviathan x Reader)

i should start by saying sorry for just disappearing out of nowhere. i think i just had too much on my plate and burnt myself out. which then caused me to spiral into a depressive episode and lose all motivation to work on something.

with that being said, i wanted to write something about how i've been feeling as a way to vent it. i also wanted it to be comfy and nice and i really just wanted leviathan to hug me and tell me everything is okay :) i hope you enjoy this very soft and self indulgent fic bc i love leviathan more than anything

also! i am working on requests, so expect those out within the next few days or so!

ily <3

It had been one of those days. Well, really it had been one of those weeks. Those days where you just didn’t want to leave your bed, more comfortable to hide away by yourself as to not bother anyone with how out of it you were feeling. Of course, Lucifer would probably have your head if he found out you were skipping classes, so you went about your days pretending you were fine.

Leviathan had invited you to his room after school, you hadn’t been able to focus on what he was telling you at breakfast – your mind too fuzzy from having just woken up combined with the fuzziness your off mood had brought on. But knowing the otaku demon, it was either anime or a new video game he bought. His enthusiasm and passion for his interests was something that never failed to bring a smile to your face, even when you were feeling down.

Your day at school, thankfully, passed by in a blur. Mammon made a point of bragging about his latest modeling job he scored as he walked you home, trying to convince you to go with him. Naturally, he pouted like a child when you turned him down, whining that you were missing the opportunity of a lifetime! Thankfully he gave up when you told him you just weren’t feeling it, but you would be happy to take him up on the offer another time. He dropped you off at home after that, telling you he’d bring you something on his way back.

You were barely in the door when Leviathan was charging at you from the common room, rushing you into kicking off your schools before he dragged you up to his room. You tried to argue that you still had your RAD uniform on and that he should at least give you a minute to change, but he was hearing none of it. He waited all day for you to get home, he wasn’t going to wait another minute! However, that excuse fell apart quickly when you gave him a set of puppy dog eyes, letting you hurry off to your room on a time limit.

You changed into more comfortable clothes quickly, using up only 3 minutes of the 5-minute limit he gave you. You were back in his room just as he had finished setting everything up. You took note of the snacks that he had set up in different bowls around his room. Wow, you thought, this must be really important. Leviathan usually never went all out like this unless it was mega important.

“What’s all this for, Levi? Seems like a lot for just a few episodes.” You commented, grabbing a handful of chips out of a bowl as you sat down on the edge of the bed. You cringed at how spicy it was, some of the flavors were intense in the Devildom. Leviathan’s eyes widened as he gave you an incredulous look.

“A few episodes!? No, no, no. We’re watching the entire series tonight.” The demon explained as he removed a disk from its packaging and slipped it inside his PC. “This series, 10 Things I’ve Always Wondered About the Demon King: Facts versus Fiction! has been teased for years! YEARS! And they finally released it all at once on DVD. People have been speculating about it for so long and AH! I CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH IT!”

You laughed at his energy, simply nodding as you reclined on his bed. He dove into bed next to you once the opening began playing, delight blooming on his face immediately. You let your head rest on Leviathan’s lower legs, expecting him to jump and practically kick you away, but to your surprise he didn’t even seem to notice. The show had barely started, and he was already lost in it.

It had been a few hours and you were only a few episodes deep. Levi had told you it had multiple seasons with at least 12 episodes each, so you really were going to be there for the night. It had been enjoyable at first, but after a while of mindlessly staring at the screen and reading subtitles, you slowly lost a majority of your interest. Leviathan still seemed fully absorbed, however. You breathed a sigh, stretching your arms above your head. You pulled your legs up onto the bed, crossing them underneath you, resting elbow on your knee, and your chin on the palm of your hand.

You let your eyes wander around the room, head filled with the same fuzziness as this morning. While you enjoyed the anime, and spending time with Leviathan, you knew it would have only been a matter of time before you were back to feeling the same way. You tried to act as normal as possible, not wanting to worry Levi or worse, distract him from the series he had been looking forward to.

You were surprised when the sound suddenly stopped, and you tore your gaze away from on of the anime figures your eyes had been locked on for longer than necessary. Glancing at the screen and then behind you to Leviathan, you raised and eyebrow at the worried look on his face.

“Are you okay?” The blue-haired demon asked, sitting up from his reclined positions to mimic your crossed legs.

“What do you mean? I’m fine.” You replied, giving him a smile, resting your hand on his knee. Leviathan’s eyes narrowed as he shook his head at you.

“You’re not fine! You seemed distracted this morning and it’s the same now. You know you can tell me if something is wrong.”

“Leviathan, I- “

“No excuses! I don’t… I don’t like seeing you upset like this…” He cut you off before you could say anything, mumbling the last part of his sentence as his cheeks flushed a dark red colour. You felt your eyes blow wide as the normally shy demon reached forward, grabbing your free hand as well as the one you had previously rested on his knee.

“Leviathan…” You frowned, watching tears prick the corners of his eyes. Wow, he was really upset about this, huh? You let out a sigh, deciding that if you were going to tell anyone, it might as well be the one who was about to cry out of worry.

“I don’t know, Levi. I’ve just been feeling… off. For the past week. I can’t really describe it. Just sad.” You admitted quietly, your eyes locking onto your joined hands. The silence was unnerving as Leviathan processed your words and suddenly you were extremely uncomfortable.

“Like… depressed?” You nodded in response to his question, eyes briefly flicking up to gauge his expression. He seemed indifferent yet stared at you intently. Your eyes widened as he let go of your hands and threw his arms around you, pulling you into a hug.

“Levi, what…”

“I just! I just want you to know that… You’re not alone and that I… I care about you…” He whispered, burying his face into your hair as he held you tightly. His sudden confession shocked you into silence, all you could do was wrap your own arms around his torso, trying your hardest not to cry. Although even your hardest attempt couldn’t change how overwhelmed you felt, and eventually you were bawling into his shirt, more than likely staining it with tears.

You sat there together for who knows how long, Leviathan happy to let you cry it all out until you felt better. You could have sworn you felt a tear or two hit the skin of your neck, and you fought back a laugh. Leviathan was such a sensitive demon, being brought to tears by the smallest things.

Eventually, your seemingly endless flow of tears came to a stop. You pulled away from him slightly, his arms still wrapped around you as you briefly used the sleeve of your shirt to dry any remaining tears. Levi slowly pulled away, hands resting on your shoulders as he shot you a concerned look. You laughed quietly, wiping at your nose as you sniffled. You smiled at him, nodding a little to let him know you were okay.

He went to pull back, hands slipping off of your shoulder when you stopped him. Placing both of your hands on his cheeks, watching in amusement as his cheeks gained a flushed colour once again. Pulling him closer by his cheeks, you pressed a small kiss to his forehead. You pulled back not a second later, beaming at him happily.

“Thank you, Leviathan.”

BONUS:

The door to Leviathan’s room burst open, scaring the life out of the both of you. Leviathan jumped back, pushing you away from him in surprise. You fell back onto the bed with a laugh, eye drifting over to the intruder.

“Oi! What’re you two doing? Why’re your eyes all red, human?” Mammon, being the ever loud and obnoxious demon that he was, yelled as he stepped into the room. His arms crossed over his chest as he gave Levi a displeased look.

“Are ya makin’ my human cry, Levi?” The older demon accused, pointing a finger at his younger brother. Leviathan rolled his eyes, completely ignoring the Avatar of Greed as he briefly adjusted his fringe.

“Aren’t you the one always making them cry, Mammon?” The Avatar of Envy answered, glaring at Mammon from underneath his now fixed fringe. Mammon gasped, throwing a hand over his chest in mock offence.

“How dare you! I only even make the human happy, ya know!”

“I don’t know about that, Mammon..” You teased lightly, snickering as his face contorted into genuine sadness as he frowned deeply. “I’m joking! Come here, we’re watching anime! We’ve still got tons of snacks!”

Mammon happily dove into the bed next to you, immediately trapping you next to him with one hand, while the other greedily dove into a snack bowl. Leviathan grumbled lowly, rolling his eyes again before shifting into a comfortable position on your opposite side.

You were glad you had such caring demons to help you out when you were at your lowest. You would never replace them for the world.

#obey me #obey me leviathan #obey me!#obey me x reader #leviathan x reader #if you enjoyed feel free to send a request!#i'll post something else from my ao3 in a little so this blog isnt entirely leviathan lmfao

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leviaju · 5 years ago

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obey me! hc heights / how the boys would react to you being shorter + taller than them

i recognize that the council has made a decision, but given that it’s a stupid decision, i’ve elected to ignore it

okay peeps so here’s the thing, i am a tall. because i am a tall, i also wish for the boys to be t a l l. because i am incredibly biased. i will only give the weak excuse that it’s because they’re demons and i can do what i want, and what i want is for them to be t a l l .

annnNNYways theyre under the cut from tallest to shortest

beelzebub

i don’t think anyone’s surprised here

probably about 6’6 or 6’7 (198-201cm)

b i g b o i

he’s. tall.

credits it completely to the amount of nutrients he consumes on such a regular basis

he doesn’t care really care about your height too much in comparison to him, he loves u with the entirety of his heart either way

but

if you’re smaller than him (which u most likely are, this boy is a tree), he will no doubt find you just. the cutest. he loves leaning down to kiss the top of your head or to hug you. will definitely pick you up any chance he gets just to carry you.

he loves being able to use himself as a shield and just. hide you completely behind him, especially if your scared or nervous or anxious because of someone/something

if you’re his height or taller, he just. absolutely loves to cuddle with you. he will tangle his legs with yours and just. pretzel around you. your limbs are so long and he’s finally smaller than someone so he will revel in it as much as possible. he llloovveesss your arms and legs.

lucifer

also not a huge surprise

like?? 6’5 (196cm)

he is tall. and graceful. and beautiful. and elegant.

if you’re shorter than him, he will definitely use your head or shoulder as an arm rest. even if you’re the exact same height as him, he’ll insist your shorter and use you as an arm rest. you can’t stop him.

if your taller than him, this boy will

w o r s h i p

your legs

any intimate moment you have

he loves your thighs especially

your legs are just so long and attractive oh geEZ

other than that, he doesn’t act much differently based on your height

this clingy little shit likes you for you, simple as that

belphegor

like 6’4 (193cm)

he a tall boy like his twin (but not as tall. doesn’t get as much nutrients bc he sleep)

i don’t have much of a reason for this other than the fact that like,,,

if you’re shorter than him, he’d be trying to get comfy with you in your bed before eventually giving up because yOUR BED IS SO SMALL WHY CANT HE FIT—

he just

picks you up and brings you to his room, where his bed is huge and he can stretch out all he wants with you

alternatively

you could be the same height as beel, but belphie refuses to be little spoon. you could be ten feet tall and he’d still big spoon. he likes feeling like he’s protecting you when you sleep

also because he’s so used to cuddling with his pillows when he sleeps it just feels natural

leviathan

around 6’3.5 (192cm)

i also don’t have much reason for this other than the fact that he’s a gangly nerd

he isn’t actually a gangly nerd (but he is)

awkward with his body sometimes, like his limbs are too long for him on occasion

loves height differences

probably due to anime because one character is always shorter than the other

he will feel like a protagonist whenever he’s next to you if he’s taller than you

will lose his mind if you raise yourself onto your toes/pull him down in order to kiss him

if you’re his height or taller, honestly at first he’s gonna be a bit :/ about it bc what about his aniME HEIGHT DIFFERENCE—

but when he realizes he has feelings for you, that stops mattering

absolutely loves resting his head on your shoulder when the two of you are playing games (but he can’t do it that often, he gets too flustered and can’t think)

if you wanna win a game of smash, put your arm around him and pull him close. he will ERROR 404

mammon

6’1 (185cm)

for no other reason than i’m biased as hell

also he’s a model so i guess i can use that as an excuse—

even though he’s relatively short compared to the rest of his brothers (like beel holy shit—) he’s still really tall.

his ego will inflate tenfold if he is taller than you

even if you’re the same height, he’ll still insist you’re shorter

“here puny human, let THE great mammon reach this thing on the top shelf for you!”

“mammon i can literally reach it myself, i don’t need—“

lowkey loves it if you pull him down by his tie to kiss him

although he will be flustered for a good amount of time afterwards unless he’s in a Specific Mood

if you’re taller than him, he will very much be blushing mess

easily flustered, loves looking up at you, somehow clingier than usual

will try to do the pull-you-down-by-the-collab thing, but accidentally slam his head into your nose and never attempt it ever again

he’s mortified

asmodeus

somewhere around 5’11 or 6’0 (180-183cm)

he insists that he’s “the perfect height for any lover ;)”

he’d say that no matter what height he is though

honestly could not give less of a damn about how tall you are compared to him

he treats you the exact same

because he loves you, and that’s the only thing that matters to him, really

you could be purple and it wouldn’t change how he feels about you

satan

you can pry (relatively) short satan from my cold, dead hands

5’9 (175cm)

he’s not even too short, but he gets the shit taken out of him by his brothers all the time for being the shortest out of them

has a height complex

if you’re shorter than him he will absolutely 100% be smug about it

he is a little shit

will constantly note how tiny you are compared to him, will kiss the top of your head any chance he gets while the two of you are alone together

it’s a huge ego thing for him

if you’re taller than him, honestly he’s gonna he kinda put-off at first

not to any fault of your own, it’s because of his insecurity

kind of a “goddamnit i thought humans were supposed to be small, this is bullshit, i thought i’d finALLY BE TALLER THAN SOMEONE—“

so please don’t mention his height when the two of you hang out he gets very upset and pouty

for the first little bit at least

he warms up to you the more he gets to know you however, and his height complex really stops mattering when it comes to you

still likes to feel taller than you though

will stand above you when you’re sitting

or fix his posture when you enter the room

he’ll kiss your forehead and rest your head on his chest when the two of you are in bed

and if he’s really shaken by something, one of the only things that efficiently calms him down is you holding him

maybe having a partner that’s taller than him isn’t that bad

bonus!

diavolo - 6’6 (198cm)

simeon - 6’2 (188cm)

barbatos and solomon - 5’10 (178cm)

luke - idk how kids are supposed to be like 4’9 (145cm) ??????

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husbandomail-archive · 4 years ago

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i would like to request for some afterl!fe hurt/comfort with either youssef or mori because SCREW NHN for killing such a good game 😔

man I was surprised by that announcement, bc apparently it had only been running for a year?? and it was only in English for a few months too, so that felt totally outta nowhere rip. the goodbye messages made me tear up ahaha

I just kinda rolled with the first thing that came to mind, so hope this is okay!

—

Your Reapers have always worked hard for you. Constantly throwing themselves into danger to protect you and everyone around them— even though you’re not one for fieldwork, that overflowing ferocity sparks something in you, echoing deep in your chest and driving you to be better too, in any way you can.

That’s why you’re awake at two in the morning yet again, hunched over your office desk, skimming through mountains of paperwork with only the harsh light of your computer screen illuminating the room. Lately, you’ve given up attempting to sleep— nightmare after nightmare seeps through your unconscious mind like an unchallenged poison, conjuring up scenes of your dearest friends slipping from your grasp, and you, helpless, could only watch. These dreams have scared you awake far too often lately— and why bother going to bed when you know what’s waiting for you.

You might not be able to handle a weapon, but your pen works just as well.

The words across the page in your hand are a bit fuzzy, vibrating and shimmering; you let out a yawn and shake your head, and that seems to settle them back into place for just a moment. Report after report have all melded together in your mind— it’s probably not a good idea to work with sensitive materials while you’re on the verge of passing out, but it will help your men, so it’s the least you can do.

A knock on your office door startles you from your thoughts. You mutter a quiet “come in,” and the door gently swings open; Youssef peers into the room, confusion clear on his face, though he tries to hide it behind his neutral smile. He flicks the lights on and you wince briefly as your eyes adjust to the sudden brightness.

“Is there a reason you’re still up, manager?” he asks, shutting the door behind him and leaning up against it. He’s in his pajamas and slippers, but has his familiar uniform coat draped over his shoulders— had he gotten out of bed just to come find you?

“Just trying to catch up on some things,” you shrug. “A lot of the younger ones have trouble with their forms— I figured I could go over incorrect ones and fix them, or preemptively fill in a few things that are always the same.”

Youssef hums and takes a seat in one of your spare office chairs. His eyes have always been unnerving on some level— you’d never seen that shade of gray on anyone, while you were alive— but here and now, alone together at two in the morning, it feels like he can see right through you.

He doesn’t pry, doesn’t pester you to bed like you’d been expecting; instead, Youssef sits there, scrutinizing you under the ticking clock for what feels like hours on end— but when you yawn again and glance at the time, it’s barely been a few minutes. Your tired, blurry gaze flickers up and meets his steady one. He doesn’t look away.

“I’m really worried about all of you,” you whisper. “I hate knowing that, if something happens, I won’t be able to help.”

Youssef tilts his head, his dark hair falling in front of his eyes as he studies you. “I hope you know we’re immortal, manager.”

“I know, I know, you won’t pass on until you get the chance t—”

“No, I mean,” he pauses, and you can see the gears in his mind turning as he thinks his next words through. “Once you’ve met someone, no matter how much or how little time you spend together, you’re never the same person afterwards.”

He shifts in his seat, one hand finding its way to play with the decorative fastenings on his coat, and then keeps going. “We’ve spent time together, and grown and changed together— now pieces of myself are embedded in you, and pieces of you are embedded in me. No matter what happens to any of us now, even if our memories of each other fade, we will always have shaped each other. And that is how we will live on.”

Youssef’s voice trails off and his gaze wanders— he seems embarrassed now. You watch him carefully for a moment before yet another yawn breaks the silence.

“You used to be a writer, didn’t you?” Your words are slow— piecing a sentence together right now is more difficult than it should be. Youssef just smiles gently and stands, crossing the small room to drape his warm jacket over your shoulders.

“Take a rest, manager. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

#Afterlife #afterlife youssef #scenarios #imagines #anon

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btssavedmylifeblr · 5 years ago

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Hi bee, i hope you're doing wellI just wanna ask for some tips bc I can't seem to do the "show don't tell" thing when writing. I have no idea why, it's weirdly difficult. Any websites or good examples about it? I'm kinda disappointed in myself. Thank u for being so kind! Much love to you

Ah yes, the classic advice that everyone says but is very hard to actually define. As a beginning writer, I always found this especially confusing because all writing is “telling” in the sense that you are telling a story. You only have words. It’s also a very hard thing to find clear examples of because “telling” might only be a sentence or two but good “showing” might take a whole scene, a whole chapter or a whole novel to do right. It’s something that takes practice and, unlike rules of grammar, can’t be fixed overnight.

I don’t always get it right (and “right” gets pretty subjective with this topic), but as an exercise, let’s compare the first scene I ever wrote to the opening scene of Void.

Excerpt One: Opening Scene of If You’re Struggling

(Disclaimer: I am so embarrassed by this cringey-ness. There is a reason I deleted it from Tumblr. Please don’t judge me too harshly. Writing is a learning process)

To illustrate the point (and because Tumblr’s formatting options suck) I’ve put a strikethrough on all the parts I would consider “telling” instead of “showing”.

“Have a great first day, honey!” Your boyfriend gives you a quick kiss as you grab your coffee and head out the door for your first day at your new job. You’ve been eagerly awaiting this day for several weeks now, since your successful interview with BigHit Entertainment. Up until now, you’ve been working as a makeup artist on a spec basis here in Seoul, but this is going to be your first full-time job as a makeup artist and stylist.

At the BigHit offices, you are welcomed in by the head stylist whom you met at your interview and she shows you around the offices.

“Ok, we need to get to the dressing room” she says, clapping her hands. “The boys are recording their dance practice today, and we need to do their makeup beforehand.”

Your heart beats a little faster when you realize you’re about to meet BTS. A month ago you had never heard of them, but since getting this job two weeks ago, you’ve been a bit obsessed - listening to their music non-stop as you do housework, watching all of their music videos over and over, seeking out all of their Bangtan bombs and television appearances. When your boyfriend caught you watching the “Boy in Luv” video for about the 30th time on your laptop, he wrapped his arms around your shoulders and kissed your cheek.

“Do I need to be worried about you spending so much time with these boys?” He teased.

You turned your head and kissed him reassuringly on the lips. “No!” you giggled in mock offense “look at them, they’re just kids!”

You enter the dressing room and are pointed to a makeup chair in front of a mirror. You set about cleaning up your station and setting up your kit before the boys arrive. You hear the boys coming before you see them - shouting and laughing down the hallway before they get to the door. You are still setting up your station when the door clangs open and they burst into the room.

You turn around to find a tall, older blond boy already sitting in your chair. He gives you a smile and shakes your hand. “Hi. I’m Namjoon. You must be the new stylist.” He introduces himself as the leader and offers to help you get to know the other members. “Watch out for the younger ones, they like to play jokes on each other and everyone else.”

After Namjoon, you meet Jin. He is polite and spends most of his time in the chair filling you in on his recommendations for the other members “Be sure you get underneath Yoongi’s eyes, he was up late last night”, “Don’t go too dark on Jungkook’s lip color”, and so on. When you’re finished, he smiles gratefully at you and stands up to go.

Hoseok comes running over and throws his arm around Jin’s shoulders. “Jin’s make-up is easy since he’s so handsome already, right noona?” he teases Jin.

“Yes, precisely.” Jin replies, not embarrassed at all, but gives you a smile before heading off to hair.

Hoseok is the easiest to talk to out of all of the boys. He peppers you with questions as you do his makeup, all about where you’re from and where you’ve worked before. Before you know it, you’ve told him all about your life, including how you moved from South Korea to the US when you were six for your dad’s work and moved back when you were sixteen. “Oh wow!” He says excitedly. “We can all practice our English with you!”

While you are talking, a loud commotion comes from the back of the room as Jimin and Taehyung are playing Rock, Paper, Scissors and shouting about something.

“What’s going on?” You ask Hoseok and he smiles, a little embarrassed.

“They’re having a disagreement about who gets to sit in your chair next…” He replies. You just blush and look away.

While the younger boys are distracted with their battle, Yoongi plops down into your chair. He introduces himself with a nod and puts in headphones. About halfway through applying his makeup, you realize that he has fallen asleep. You look over at Namjoon, “What do I do now? Should I wake him up?” You ask.

Namjoon just chuckles, “You can keep going, he’ll just sleep through it.” When you’re finished, you gently wake him back up and point him in the direction of the hairstylist. He grumbles appreciatively and stumbles off.

Jimin has apparently won the game and comes rushing over to fill the vacant chair. “Hi. I’m Jimin.” He flashes you a devilish grin, then adds “You know… you are a lot younger and cuter than our last stylist…”

You’re a bit flustered, but Namjoon saves you. “Jimin, you can’t talk to our stylist like that!” He smacks Jimin gently upside the head and suddenly Jimin is just an adorable kid again.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry” he says and you get to work on his makeup.

Taehyung watches you doing Jimin’s makeup, making goofy faces in the mirror when your back is turned, trying to get Jimin to laugh and mess up all your hard work. He slides in when Jimin is done. He spends most of his time in the chair shouting across the room to Jimin, who is now having his hair done. You keep having to gently remind him to sit still.

The maknae is last. “Hi, I’m Jungkook.” He quietly introduces himself. He is really shy and barely says anything else to you as you do his makeup, but you can tell he is trying really hard to stay perfectly still, despite several attempts from the older members to distract him.

Once all of the boys are ready, their manager comes and rounds them up and you hear them running back down the hall to the dance studio laughing and joking. You breathe a sigh of relief and can’t fight back the smile that spreads across your face.

The first few weeks of working at BigHit are fantastic. The boys continue to warm up to you as you get to know them better. Namjoon loves talking with you in English, especially really quickly so his bandmates can’t follow what he’s saying. Of course, you can’t always follow what he’s saying either, but he is so thoughtful and full of ideas. Yoongi still often falls asleep, but he also now comes in with music recommendations for you and hands you the other ear of his headphones while you do his makeup. Hoseok continues to be your favorite, telling you all about his childhood, the audition and debut process, and filling you in on the latest gossip. Jimin and V continue to cause trouble, but are so adorable when they do that you can never stay mad at them. And Jungkook continues to be quiet and sit perfectly still in the makeup chair. He is so chatty with his bandmates that you are a little sad he isn’t more comfortable with you, but it does make his makeup easier to do than Taehyung’s.

Thoughts:

So there a lot of things here like it being her first day of work, her being nervous, and the mannerisms of the boys that would have been much better if I had showed them through dialogue, description, and physical mannerisms rather than telling them outright. It would have done a lot better job of placing the reader in the scene and would read as a bit less cringey. The last paragraph in this scene is particular egregious because instead of allowing the reader to see those relationships build over time and really invest us in those characters, I just summarize in one paragraph.

As a result, we get to the end of this scene and we know a lot of facts, but we don’t really have any good sense of who this character is or why we should care about her or empathize with her.

Excerpt Two: Opening Scene of Void

(Disclaimer: This is also not perfect, but it is much improved from the previous)

“Can you see them?”

You blink your eyes as you stare into the microscope, squinting against the bright light. You’ve been staring into this scope for two hours, searching for tiny signs of life.

“Maybe?” you reply. Your colleague leans in closer, close enough to smell his shampoo. Your eyes begin to water as you scour the field of view, checking each fleck of dirt for your prize. But again, you came up empty. “No, I don’t think so.”

You lean back in your chair, closing your eyes and rubbing them to relieve the strain. You didn't get much sleep last night. But you can’t bring yourself to complain to Hoseok.

He groans, standing up and twisting side to side. Your back aches in sympathy from bending over these finicky slides all morning. “We’re going to run out of samples.” The corners of his mouth pull down into a frown.

“We’ll run out of kerosene first,” you mutter. You look back through the lens one last time, hoping you missed something.

“They should have sent us with more.” Your fellow science officer stands up and walks over to chemical storage.

“Yeah, because large amounts of volatile organic liquids are a great thing to have on spacecraft." No one else on this ship would appreciate your joke. It’s not a good joke. But Hoseok humors you and gives you a small chuckle.

“Should we try an acid?” he suggests, as he examines the inside of the storage cabinet.

“Acetic?” He nods and scratches his chest as he fishes out the necessary bottle. He walks the acid back to your lab station and sets it down on the counter next to you.

He sighs and puts his hands on his hips, resuming his twisting back and forth. He clasps his hands together and does a long slow stretch upwards. Your eye catches on the sliver of exposed skin popping into view as his shirt rides up.

His smooth skin stretches across well-defined muscles, distracting your serious scientific mind. You lick your lips as you imagine how warm he would feel under your palm. You stare at the gap between his navel and the top of his pants. Not for the first time, you find yourself wondering what his skin tastes like.

“We should dilute it.” His shirt falls back down, breaking the spell. You look away, shaking your head, embarassed by your own lacivious thoughts. You’re a professional. A highly educated astronaut and scientist. You have a PhD, for god’s sake. Focus on the mission at hand.

“Yeah, we should.” You nod in confimation before standing up to get some glassware. “What concentration?”

As you turn around to reach the water tap, Hoseok moves to reach the tablet behind you. Your small lab is so narrow that you end up colliding with him. You bounce backwards off his body, cradling your beaker of water, headed straight back toward all of your ship’s glassware. You panic. Visions of shattering thousands of dollars of lab supplies fly through your head. But Hoseok catches you before you stumble into the cabinetry. You breathe a sigh of relief when you realize he’s got you in his arms.

“Fuck.” You smile. “Sorry, Hoseok.”

“It’s okay.” He laughs, shaking his head. “My fault.” His hands linger on you as you both chuckle. You feel the heat of his touch seeping through your jumpsuit.

Despite living in such tight quarters, it’s rare that you’re ever this close to him. You try to avoid physical contact with the crew out of self-preservation.

He smells good. Hoseok always smells good. While your ship smells mechanical and sterile, the man holding you smells warm and human. It’s comforting, but in a way that makes you ache with how you long to bury yourself in him.

Your colleague lets go of you and steps backwards, coughing into his shirt sleeve. He picks up the tablet and scrolls through your research materials. The warmth of his hands begins to fade from your shoulders. He finds the correct dilution factor and reads it out to you.

You measure out the appropriate amounts of acid mixing it with water. Hoseok retrieves another fragment of the meteoroid that you’re scouring for microorganisms. When he returns, you cover the sample with the acid, stopper the flask and set it to oscillate for a hour.

“Nothing to do now but wait.” You sit down on your stool and drum on your thighs. The idea of being alone with Hoseok for another hour fills you with nervous energy. It's a relief when he excuses himself to the bathroom.

It didn’t used to be this hard. When you started this mission two years ago, you had no problem being alone with any of your crew members. You were professionals doing a job together, and there wasn’t time or energy for idle sexual tension. But as the mission drags on, you have begun to feel more and more on edge. And it’s not only Hoseok. You are finding it harder and harder to be alone with any of the crew. When you spend all night fantasizing about someone, normal conversation becomes difficult.

You stare at the flask rocking back and forth on the counter and let your mind wander. You replay your previous clumsy moment. You imagine Hoseok catching you in his arms again, but this time you grab him and kiss him. You smell him and taste him and surround yourself in him. You close your eyes and follow the fantasy further. You imagine dropping to your knees and sucking him off up against the glassware cabinet. You imagine the way the lab equipment would clink as he bent you over the lab counter.

Hoseok returns, brandishing his tablet. “I got the new article from Geology on microfossils, if you want to take a look.” You sigh and nod.

Thoughts: So there is definitely some telling happening in this scene too. Telling is not always the worst thing in the world, although I wrote this scene nearly two years ago, so if I could go back and edit some of this out now I would. But what I want to point out here is how much information I convey without ever having to explicitly spell it out: we’re on a spaceship, the OC is a scientist with a crush on her colleague, she is touch-starved, they are searching for fossils, etc. And I think it does a much better job than the previous example at drawing the reader into the scene.

___

In general, here some good pointers for moving more in the showing direction:

1. Focus as much as you can on the present moment. What is your character thinking right now? What are they feeling? What information are they getting from their senses?

2. Use dialogue. Dialogue is a great way to show relationships between characters and fill in backstory without long paragraphs of just “telling” your readers stuff. Just be careful that it sounds like real dialogue and not exposition masquerading as dialogue. No one tells anyone their whole life story the first time they meet them or repeats information that the other person would obviously know.

3. Trust your readers to fill in the gaps. Readers are very good at picking up context clues. You don’t need to spell everything out for them. If you put them in the scene and describe the world around them well, they will figure out lots of things just from context.

Hope that helps! The only real solution is to play around with it and practice and see what you like. Good luck!

#on writing

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disaster-fruit · 4 years ago

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@portu-cale I had to delete the post with your ask bc it was huge and for some reason the “read more” wasnt working!

portu-cale-main asked:

“could you expand on pindorama? and maybe her relationship with brazil? i’m really intrigued by the character :o (but only if you want to ofc!!)”

alrightt, I’m gonna admit I’ve been VERY reluctant about taking about pindorama, for a few reasons, but mostly because it’s really hard to find trustworthy information that isn’t playing into the colonialist narrative that is still very present in our national identity as a whole (if you read a little abt indianismo…. That shit is still very present). And when it’s not that, is all very vague and talking about ~the natives~ as if they were just one big homogeneous group with not much of their own history.

I also don’t want to go too deep into to anything too dark or “angsty”, not to ignore those ugly parts of our history, but because I feel it would be very disrespectful to make those tragedies (which are still being carried out by our government) the center of any hetalia discussion. And well, I might fuck up and end up playing into everything I’m trying to avoid, and if this is in anyway offensive, just let me know and I’ll delete this post and go further educate myself.

This is also gonna be an even longer post than usual (its 3 pages long...), since it’s gonna need a lot of historical explanation even for my fellow Brazilians.

My main source here is chapter 6 of the book “1499: O Brasil Antes de Cabral”, by Reinaldo José Lopes.

Ok, let’s talk about the lady.

First things first, she old. She’s at least 3000 years old, probably older! She grew up in southwest Amazon (around modern Rondônia) with her nine siblings, and while some of them remained there, others started to expand their territories through the forest. All of them also had plenty of children. The way I see it, since there was no sort of political unity between the different tupi tribes, each had their own tan and were the children of ones like Pindorama and her siblings, that represented many different groups that, though politically separated, had strong cultural and linguistic similarities. It’s kinda like I see Mama Greece existing while Sparta, Athens and all those Ancient Greek cities existed too, but in a much larger scale. So Pindorama represents what would eventually be all the tupi and tupi-guarani groups in the coast, and of Pindorama’s children, most of them were also Guarani’s kids.

Pindorama and Guarani expanded to the southeast and the east coast together, always hating each other and fighting but also constantly having children together lol. Sisters? Enemy-lovers? Bitter exes? Frenemies with benefits? All of the above? I don’t know, but these two ladies had children pretty much all around the territory (what I’m referring to here is all the different Tupi-Guarani groups), and if you ask me, they otp.

Pindorama is, first and foremost, a warrior. The tupi were, in general, very belligerent groups, that had war as a major part of their culture, and that was in part what made them expand through such a wide territory even without any kind of centralized state or hierarchy. And they had a very different view of war compared the Europeans – war was not meant to completely eliminate their enemies or as means to access land and resources, but as part of a perpetual cycle of revenge that ennobled ones that participated in it - it was cultural more than material. So Pindorama was just constantly watching her children fight each other and she was like…. Good for Them. She was also constantly fighting someone (usually Guarani lol) and was really, really good at it.

Despite that, she was also inclined to trading and had a lot of good commercial relationships with many others, going as far west as the Andes! She was both a warrior and a businesswoman, so yeah, terrifying. She was a skilled river navigator – not as much as the Aruak, but still pretty good – which also helped both with the expansion and with trade. She’s an extrovert, who can talk in front of a lot of people easily and captivate whoever she met, while also scaring the shit out of them.

So yeah, that’s Pindorama. A warrior, a businesswoman, a mother, a rival-lover, she really did have it all. And when Portugal arrived, she at first assumed he was just another one to trade with – and that was it, for the first few decades. And when Brazil ~appeared~ there (in whatever way nations are born idk), she took him as another one of her many children, no really a surprise here either.

For some time, she raised Brazil, but she soon understood that kid was not like the others. First, he was not just her child or her child with Guarani, but apparently also the child of that dude that would come every once in a while from the sea (again I don’t know how nations know who are their parents or other’s parents since there’s really no biological birth going on…). And as time went by, she also started noticed more and more of her other children dying more and more every time, while Brazil kept growing stronger and healthier every day. She put two and two together – that child and his father were trouble, and not the good kind.

When it comes to her relationship with Brazil, it is complicated, to say the least. She was more present in his childhood that Portugal, she taught him her languages and stories and how to survive in that land, but she also never trusted him, and was hesitant to be around him. As the years passed, she learned it was safer for her and her other children (who are not really Brazil’s siblings btw) to just keep going deep into the forest and avoiding Brazil and Portugal whenever they could, but always fighting back when needed. When it came to the battles, she actually had advantages compared to Portugal at times – gunpowder in the 16th century was pretty shitty, while for example the tupinamba had arrows as long as 1.60m that could pierce through their armor. But fighting meant exposing the people to getting sick, and the moment they realized that, they started avoiding it more. Still, I think its plausible to say she probably tried to kill brazil and Portugal a few times.

As much as I like to joke about brazil having mommy issues, I really don’t want to blame her for being “a bad mom” when she really was just doing what she had to do to survive and resist and to protect her real family against an enemy she couldn’t defeat. Also, Brazil has a great deal of blame here. When he was a kid, it really was just Portugal who pushed Pindorama away and against him, but after independence he really failed to fix things when he had the power to. As I talked about in the last post a little bit, he tried to get close to her again, but not because he wanted to make things right, not because he was ready to listen to her and respect her, but because he wanted an identity for himself that was separated from port, and though he could find it in his mother. But he wasn’t listening to her for a moment or seeing her for who she was, he wasn’t trying to get to know her, it was all about himself (as it always was in the empire).

I think Pindorama, better than anyone, can see how Brazil and Portugal are similar in their worst traits, and she can also see through every single one of brazil’s warm smile in a way no one else really can. Not for a moment his talk of reconnecting with her fooled her. Needless to say his attempt to get close to her, completely misguided and selfish, didn’t made things any better between them.

To this day, there’s a lot of bitterness between the two. Pindorama (fairly) resents brazil for all that he and his father caused and his failing to recognize his own flaws and mistakes and works on them. Today, they still mostly avoid each other. They do have their tender moments, sometimes, but Brazil has a lot of growing up as a person to do if he ever wants to fix their relationship.

Well… this is very long. I apologize if I said anything offensive or played into any harmful stereotypes, and if I did, please let me know.

#hcs #ask #as much as i like my brazil angst and all that.... when it comes to pindorama i kinda just want to talk about the 2500 #years before that were she was just being a awesome warrior lady with her enemy girlfriend taking over the continent with their 40 children #is that too much to ask???

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ziracona · 4 years ago

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I know you mentioned that Bill wasn't included in ILM because you didn't know much about his personality. Out of curiosity though, if you had included him in the fic, how would you have integrated his history of being in the middle of a zombie apocalypse that couldn't have happened for the other characters? Or like, what approach would you have gone with?

Oh this is kind of a tough one! I don’t know Bill well, because I haven’t played Left 4 Dead, but that actually wasn’t why he isn’t in the fic. I stopped including survivors after Jane Romero, because DbD updates so much that I hit a point it was either add more characters but know you won’t have time to develop them and give them the character arcs they deserve because you’re nearing the end, or stop adding people, and it’s always better to whole-ass less then half-ass more—especially with characters that are awesome and really deserve some due diligence. While Bill is actually one of the earliest survivors released for DbD (he was...siiixth or something? Like right after Ace? Or Nea?), that’s only for PC. On PS4 and Xbox, he wasn’t added until much later, and I play DbD on PS4. So, for me as a player, Bill wasn’t actually released until after Ash was. When I started writing, I was kind of vaguely aware he existed on PC? But I had 0 personal experience with him, and so I went with my own/console experience when it came to writing.

As for what I’d have done, that’s a dang good question, and I’m not entirely sure— I’d definitely have thought about it longer if I had included him, but I’ll give you what I think I would have done? Obviously, Bill’s not from the world the rest of the survivors are. While almost any of the stories can coexist with minimal changes (NOES 2010, Halloween, Stranger Things, even Ash are more or less fairly easily compatible), zombie apocalypse—couple things I know they’re bound to notice, ya know? Still, I stand by multiverse being both unnecessary and not the best decision for the story I want to tell, so what I think I’d have done is this: (under the cut bc it’s gonna be long af--get ready for some quantum theory lol)

Okay, so the Entity canonically can operate outside of natural time. Meaning it can take survivors from earlier or later, and isn’t on the same space-time fixed relationship the world is. Now, time travel is tricky. Or anything with a complex portrayal of time. But there are three basic setups for time travel potential that actually make sense. They are as follows:

Anything that will happen, has happened (or the Artemis Fowl timetheory). This one is pretty straightforward. Sure, you can travel through time, but the universe you live in right now where you are choosing to go back is the result of the past you caused. The change you’re causing is past-tense already, and the only real agency you have is in causing the circumstances leading up to where you already are. This still allows for some fancy manuvering (for example: want to save a friend’s life? No problem. You can’t remove the motivation to go back, so you in the past still have to believe they die, but so long as you didn’t like, hold their severed head—if it’s a situation like say, you saw them blow up, you can save that person—you just have to make sure your past self still sees them “die” in the explosion and thus chooses, as you did/are, to go back.) This is my personal least favorite theory of space-time, but it’s a solid one.

The second is the The Future is not Set (or the Back to the Future timetheory). This one says time is flexible. You can go back and kill your father before you’re born, and the future will change. How ripple effects happen are varried—for example in strict timeline variations of this theory such as those in Frequency or Back to the Future, if you cause yourself not to be born, time will catch up with you, and while the impact you left on the world remains, you, as you no longer are born, will vanish from existence as the time stream corrects itself. However, more lenient time streams such as the versions in Continuum or Futurama exist as well, where even if your effects on the world prevent you from being born, the version of you currently alive continues to exist as an anomaly. This is by far, in my opinion, the most enjoyable solid timetheory.

And last (unless you count Time Travel is Impossible as a solid theory which I guess technically you can??), theory three (or the Doctor Who timetheory). This theory portrays time as possible to change and allowing for alternatives to be taken, but not in all places and ways. It presents very hard limits on what can change, and offers a much more inflexible time continuum than theory 2, as well as much higher consequences for causing alterations. Rather than direct cause-effect consequences, like vanishing because you caused yourself not to be born, usually the result of tampering and causing a change of large size is that you will create time paradoxes, which the time stream itself desperately will try to destroy/fix, usually horribly and with massive and brutal force. Things like Life is Strange fall into this theory as well, with Dr. Who being on the lenient end of this spectrum and LIS the strict. It offers the technicality of a changeable future, but none of the true and almost wild freedom offered by variations of theory 2. Basically, any large scale or personal change you cause will rip holes in the universe, and either you will give in to fate and re-allow the loved one you saved to die, or you push on through and accept massive time-space damage and casualties for the choice. I’ve got mixed feelings on this one myself, as I’ve seen it handled super well and made a thing that can be fun, but it also is the theory that pisses me off the most when written poorly haha.

Anyway, massive time theory talk over, in Dead by Daylight, the Entity can traverse time canonically. In ILM, the survivors only talk briefly, after meeting Jane, about theories for how that works, but here is what I would say if ILM had included Bill. To preface, there are two timelines that each follow the same set of basic rules, but have a little freedom in how they effect each other (not so much in how they effect themselves): the Survivor’s world/reality timeline, and the Entity’s pocket dimension timeline. Neither timeline can contradict itself and create paradoxes within its own space. So. Bill is from the same universe as anyone else. At one point, the early 2000s followed the narrative of Left 4 Dead, and the Entity grabbed Bill where & when he “dies” in canon. Only, some time after grabbing Bill, the Entity took another person which (completely unintentionally on the Entity’s part) triggered a massive Buttery Effect on the world, and greatly altered reality, causing not only the Left 4 Dead apocalypse to no longer occur, but causing Bill himself to never be born. Bill however was already outside of the world and in the Entity’s pocket dimension at the time, and thus was not there to be “erased” and exists as an anomaly. While he is paradoxical in his own world, he does not at all contradict the Entity’s established timeline—he adheres to it. While the memory of survivors is effected and updated by changes made in reality by the Entity, because there is no version of “Bill” in the world anymore, he did not have his memories altered (there was no “Bill” for the timestream to update at all, as he is entirely an anomaly now, so it would have no reason to try). The world they exist in has a time continuum that operates off a variation somewhere between theory 3 and theory 2 (the future is not set, but also there are fix points—however, these almost exclusively exist in regard to one’s own past. The big rule is that personally making the act of altering your own past intentionally by nature also alters your motivations for acting in the first place, and thus negates the possibility of you doing so. While you can change other people’s pasts, or accidentally effect your own, you physically cannot change your own intentionally, because you’d create either a paradox or a time loop, and it would rip you apart).

Dwight is more or less correct when he hypothesizes that they might have all remembered a world with Jane Romero still in it until an hour ago. However, all of ILM itself is that version of time/reality (ie the “last” or “final” version, as it were/the version that came into being when Jane was taken). Her loss butterfly affect updated people, and so they remember her being missing. While the Entity could hypothetically someday accidentally do things that make it so survivors aren’t born in the external reality, it cannot do so intentionally or accidentally-on-purpose, because it is bound by the rules of its own personal history/timeline, and it can neither intentionally nor accidentally do a damn thing to prevent what has transpired inside itself from happening. Similarly, since the survivors are established as existing inside it, even if they were erased at birth, they would still exit it intact in November of 2019 with all their memories. The Entity thus has no real way to hurt them even in revenge, unless it is willing to risk taking them again from a later point in time. Most small decisions do not have buttery effects that are very large at all, and in general time attempts to smooth out with the least possible changes. What happened to Bill was a one in a billion fortunate/unfortunate chance thing, and was such an unlikely thing to happen in the first place, the chances of a thing like it happening again are astronomically small, and almost completely certainly would not to occur. In some ways it would be nice for him though, because he could escape back to a peaceful reality where many people he lost are still happy & living. While they don’t remember him, people would still have the echos of their past inside them (feelings of deja vu, memories in dreams, attachment and familiarity with people you never “met”) and he could reconnect with them if he wanted and live happily with old Left 4 Dead crew and his new survivor family. : )

#ask #anonymous #writing #In Living Memory #In Living Memory (fic)#dead by daylight #for the record I'd spend /way/ more time fleshing out a time-space theory before /actually/ writing it in a story #but this seemed like a pretty solid take for an 'along these lines' answer

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in-tua-deep · 5 years ago

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First time anon wanted to say I love all of your tua au’s. They are absolutely fantastic and I am soft for all of them. However I did amuse myself with the barking mad au, noticed you never write about Pogo in your au’s (do you not like him btw? No pressure on it just curious), but I just like the thought of him meeting/talking to partially feral!Five and he can’t quite figure out which language (animal or english) is more appropriate to say ‘master five what the ever living F****?!’ in.

!! hello first time anon! thank u for messaging

asdfHJGFSDG you caught me,, i don’t like Pogo and don’t think he should have a place in the children’s lives so I never write him into any of my aus because I lowkey want him to disappear

mainly because Pogo was complicit in their abuse to the point where even after Reginald was dead he was still keeping secrets - like he was complicit in drugging a child almost her entire life and emotionally abusing her by backing up the “You’re ordinary” narrative Reginald built up

and even after his death, Pogo stood up and said their dad left behind a complicated memory but then proceeded to compliment the man because presumably Pogo owed so much to him etc. etc.

Grace I can excuse, because she’s a robot. She functionally had no free will since Reginald was fully capable of tinkering with her programming and forcing her to obey and keep quiet, but Pogo was an adult sentient being capable of free will and he still looked the other way.

Yeah okay you could say maybe he did it because he was afraid that if he turned against Reginald, he wouldn’t have anywhere to go. You could say he didn’t know how to help beyond attempting to be there for the kids and turning a blind eye to some of their shenanigans (like going out to Griddy’s). BUT. After Reginald’s death he continued to keep the kids in the dark about their dad’s plan, withheld information, and made no move to correct anything. Like i’m pretty sure if he told Klaus “the box contained your father’s journal recording your sister’s power, no not allison, actually your dad drugged her all her life and I’d like to set the record straight on her being ‘ordinary’” klaus would have tried a hell of a lot harder to get it back

Grace, after Reginald’s death, was glitched out of her mind tbh but once fixed she made it clear that she did not support Reginald. After all, telling ur son that you’d like to go out when you were never permitted and then telling him that his dad isn’t around anymore to give orders is a pretty cool moment if I do say so myself

and in the day that wasn’t, Grace was going to tell all the secrets she’d been forced to keep over the years in the park as well. She tried to put it right pretty much as soon as she was capable

Pogo didn’t. He purposefully made efforts to continue Reginald’s plan, up to and including attempting to frame Grace for Reginald’s suicide, not telling Vanya about her powers, not telling anyone about that whole skeezy business, fixing Grace but then reminding her to keep secrets (which she rejects), and just generally. continued supporting a man we know to be an abusive piece of shit idk

so yEAH I don’t like Pogo and consider him to be an accomplice to Reginald’s abuse where I don’t hold Grace accountable because there’s free will involved and while he might have advocated for the children, I doubt he ever pressed if Reginald put his foot down which is why i never include him in anything lmao

as far as i’m concerned in all my aus he’s off chilling at one of Reggie’s other properties or something because Vanya doesn’t want him around (and for good reason) so he can live his days in retirement,,, anywhere else

as for the barking mad au, getting back to ur original ask, I think Pogo is?? Too human-ized? I doubt he’s been a proper chimpanzee for many years, a minimum of like. actually when was he introduced to the household? Was it before the kids were there? Average lifespan of a chimp is what, forty years? And he looked older with his cane and stuff so. Probably?

But regardless I doubt he can understand anything Five is ‘saying’ with body language beyond what humans can read, mainly because dogs/cats and chimps are different (though Five also knows some sick birdcalls and can mimic alarm calls and ‘hello!’ and other cool thing) and feral!Five lived with only cats and dogs during the apocalypse. It’s a little like dumping a dog in with a colony of chimps - confusion on all sides rip so while Pogo probably would be like “Master Five what the Fuck” it’s more because Five is behaving like,, well,, an animal. Which all of the siblings are also thinking tbh

dog people or cat people would probably be able to pick up things here and there though. like that specific meow cats do when they Hunger, or the wiggling that says ‘happy and probably overstimulated’, and growls/hisses/showing teeth should be self explanatory tbh but like, there’s other things. Like quietly mirroring to hang out, slow blinks as affection, the way dogs will playfully run up and then run away in an almost crab scuttle to see if you’ll follow to play (with bonus jumping powers!), the either cowering down with metaphorical tail between legs or PUFFING UP to be the BIGGEST when threatened, whines that mean ‘hurry up!! come on!’ when someone is going too slow, the running ahead and running back to check and running ahead again

like look i have a pretty quiet dog all things considered, and i had an even quieter dog before they. She only really barks when people come up to the door tbh, but I Know People who own dogs like huskies who are the most vocal little shits in existence and who WILL scream when inconvenienced or nervous

(my sister, a vet student interning at a vets, has regaled me with tales of huskies brought to the clinic who just screamed like they were being murdered the entire time despite them not even being examined or anything. they were literally just chilling in the kennel.)

Feral!Five is actually more vocal than ur regularly scheduled Five but everyone wishes he Wasn’t (he’s also way less standoffish and very likely to just full body rub himself against his siblings or drape himself across them tbh bc like. if they wanted him to quit all they’d have to do is give a warning snap or growl or grumble and they don’t sO)

BUT HEY if u want to write something for the au then feel free to include Pogo and your idea because it is very cute!! I just don’t like Pogo and refuse to include him in things lmao

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roominthecastle · 5 years ago

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Hi Room, What do you think about the finale? Any theorys about why Katarina did that to Red? And what do you think about the Stranger? Thanks!

To me, the finale in general felt okay, which is strangely comforting bc it wasn’t bad. I’m good with an “okay”. “okay” is an improvement (like I still feel TBL is trying while – to use a concurrent example – GOT gave up on itself and its fans spectacularly). There are individual moments that are more than okay to me (DEMBE, the team work, esp Liz & Red, esp esp Liz taking charge and that tiny moment of synchronized tea drinking) and others are less than (e.g. the conclusion to the conspiracy plot is kinda… ?!), but overall I like how S6 played out and my excitement for (lucky number) 7 is intact. Things are in motion and interesting again, and I finally gave myself permission to do a proper, full-scale re-watch during the summer, maybe attempt to chart the timeline, too, which is sth I never expected to consider doing again. I’m even gonna read the comics. In short, this season pulled me back in the Zone.

the rest is behind a cut due to length – @ mobile app users, apologies as always

Red’s identity, Dom’s story, and Liz’s side of these things

The Stranger: Masha was bound to figure out you aren’t who you say you are. What I can’t figure out is Dom. Why would he tell her all that?Red: In an attempt to help her move on.The Stranger: And she believed him?Red: She did. So much so that she‘s decided it’s safe to bring her daughter home.The Stranger: I know Dom meant well. He shouldn’t have told her that story.

So… having seen this scene, I def have more doubts than before, anon, but I still believe that the gist of the Rassvet story (including Red == Ilya) is true. This is (imo) why Red tells Dom “I know the broad strokes, I know who I am, but I need to hear the details you used to sugarcoat the ugly truth to make it look like a fairytale”, i.e. something that Liz has a tendency to swallow (see changed man!Tim or every paternity test they show her), something she was eager to embrace here, too, despite the obvious holes bc – as she told Ressler – “it is sweet and safe, so I’m gonna overlook things that don’t add up and hope it doesn’t come crashing down on me this time”. But it does. Every time.

Whether we like it or not, this is a consistent trait in Liz, this willingness to settle for a sweet, simple story over the messy, complicated truth even when she has misgivings (see her going at Red in 219, “It wouldn’t kill you to lie just once to make someone feel good.”). She’s not stupid, she’s just scared and unsure, imo (and so is Red but, unfortunately for Liz, being pathologically secretive is still what soothes him). But when there is no sweet story available to make Liz feel good/safe or it’s no longer sustainable, that’s when she grows restless/angry and goes on the offensive until she feels safe again. She did this w/ Tim and then w/ Red, too (she literally locked both of them up to gain control), and both times we can eventually hear her say “I was scared of you but not anymore”, and both times she expresses love for a safe & sweet idea and not the full reality of these men who cannot live up to that idea, so the cycle starts up again (well, not w/ Tim as he is now dead but Red is still in the running.)

It doesn’t really matter if the answer she gets is incomplete or untrue. As long as she can make herself swallow it, as long as it brings a sense of security, she will go for it. Tim played along w/ this and that fantasy bubble collapsed every time. Red never did and never will indulge her w/ sweet delusions but by doing so, he also reduces their “feelgood” time together. He hides behind her father’s identity but for her, he breaks cover repeatedly, which to me further signals that he doesn’t wish to take on the roles associated w/ this identity in her life, which clearly clashes w/ her park bench claim of “this is who you will always be to me”. And given Liz’s track record w/ these self-soothing declarations, I think we will once again see her being contradicted.

Having heard of what’s happened btw her and Red, I think Dom decided to tailor the truth to give them a quick-fix. His story brought a sense of safety/certainty that Liz craves – sth Red refused to offer when he told her he had a secret and he had to keep it and refused to give her any embellished feel-good alternative. But now he is on edge bc some of his secrets have been spilled and it was done in a way that maximizes his discomfort (by making him look like a hero when he considers himself anything but, and, ultimately, by undermining his control over his own “narrative” around Liz). I believe this is part of the reason why he tells Dom that he likely made everything worse by telling her that story.

I hope next season they will be pushed to face more of the actual truth together – in all its ugly, messy glory – about what exactly happened and, more importantly, why. Because we still don’t know much of that. Dom only offered a taste but now Katarina is back to mix some sour to the sweet (I am hungry as I am typing this, can you tell ;)

The Stranger: well, we barely have anything to go on here but what we have is already intriguing, i.e. he grew up w/ Red, he seems to know Dom and Katarina personally, he seems to have some serious tradecraft background + connections, and he is among the v few who is trusted w/ Red’s secrets, so he is inner inner circle for sure (and he’s played by Brett Cullen, so… yes please). I still think the childhood pledge from the Rassvet story is an element of truth (it just fits our Red way too much + I see it reflected in “Cape May”), so I think these 3 (the Stranger, Red, and Kat) were likely childhood friends and they all picked similar career paths (or it was picked for them), so the Stranger is likely Russian, too.

Katarina continues to puzzle me to no end, I freely admit. And I am enjoying it (for now anyway). The finale offered some really interesting details here, imo, and I think Red’s 2nd meeting w/ the Stranger is the most revealing.

Red tasked his mysterious friend to locate Katarina bc Ressler’s dig for his real identity triggered an active search for her, too. The Stranger finds her and hands Red a picture saying, “It’s her. I’m telling you, Raymond. Paper trails. The passports. The travel. It’s her.” What we can immediately conclude here is that they didn’t even know what Kat looks like now since it’s not the picture the Stranger used to identify her but her signature methods/movements (knowledge of this implies a close working relationship in the past at the v least). And since he doesn’t hand Red the pic to ask him to confirm it’s her but to show him what she looks like now, we can also conclude that Red had no idea what she looks like now, either, which means that he hasn’t seen her for almost 3 decades and, apparently, he would have been fine w/ maintaining this arrangement if it hadn’t been for the security risk Ressler’s digging exposed them to.

This conclusion lines up nicely w/ two (imo very important) things established in previous episodes:

Red’s hallucinations at Cape May – he sees Kat the way she looked in 1991/92. His mind couldn’t conjure her present image bc his last memories of her are almost 30 years old. This in turn implies that the Hobson’s choice event took place around this time, as well, and that was the last time he saw her. It was the last time Dom saw her, too, if what he tells Liz in “Rassvet” – that it was 28 years ago – is true.

Katarina being dead – whatever happened to Kat, her own father considers her as good as dead now. So does Red and Dom blames him for this loss, going as far as saying he killed her.

Dom: These boxes are all I have left of my daughter.

Red: If Katarina were standing here instead of me, if it were she asking you, what would you tell her?Dom: It doesn’t matter because she is not here and she’s not asking.Red: But if you could tell her–Dom: I can’t!

Dom (to Liz): If my Katarina was still here, she would have let me know. [… her mother sent a letter hoping it] would find her alive. I picked it up because I knew it never would.”

Liz: You said the name Masha Rostova had been lost to history until the manhunt. Now it’s out there and someone’s looking for me. It’s my mother.Red: Lizzie, your mother is dead.

Her mother was dying, Kat never showed. Her daughter was being hunted and it was televised globally – Kat never showed. And clearly neither Dom nor Red expected her to as they both seem to consider Katarina dead despite being aware that she is still out there somewhere. Moreover, they both believe that Liz is better off thinking her mother is dead than knowing whatever the truth is (so it cannot be too good). Add to this Red’s latest remark to Liz – “your mother can’t hurt you” – and things truly get weird and interesting. Was Kat subjected to some special session w/ Krilov, too, that somehow “extinguished” parts of her, practically rendering her old self “gone”? This would be my current best guess (just a shot in the dark, really) and I know it’s crude sci-fi territory but this is TBL we’re talking about.

Whatever happened to Kat, Red was involved in it, and we have several remarks to back this up:

“All the money, all the time and effort, all the favors in the world cannot possibly equal what you took away from her.” (Red, 216)

“There was a woman and her child. Both were doomed. Both would die. I could either save one or lose both. I chose the child. It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.” (Red, 319)

“I’m not sure Elizabeth will ever be ready to learn what you did to Katarina.” (Dembe, 422)

“[Katarina] is gone because of choices you made.” (Dom, 320)

In “Cape May”, Red hallucinated forgiveness/absolution from Katarina but we don’t know if this is how she actually felt. It could have been just Red trying to make himself feel better about doing what he felt to be necessary. Katarina in the present doesn’t seem to be in a forgiving mood, tho. She clearly expected to be contacted and she clearly considered Red’s presence a threat.

Red: If Moscow is looking for Katarina, if Agent Ressler’s inquiry has reignited their search…The Stranger: Then I know that could be bad.Red: I want this done before Masha’s daughter comes home.

So… your guess is as good as mine here, anon. All we have for now is a whole lot of vaguing and very little concrete info. I agree, it feels there’s sth more to this but there’s just so little to go on, it could be almost anything. What we can conclude is that the Stranger and Red (and Dom) have stayed away from Katarina for almost 30 years and if it hadn’t been for Moscow’s freshly reignited interest in finding her, this complete lack of contact would have remained. They didn’t even keep direct tabs on her since they had no idea what she looked like or where exactly she was or that she was a threat to Red (otherwise he would have approached her differently, imo).

They clearly do not want Kat to be found – the precise “why” remains to be seen. Red’s first words to her are a warning – “it’s not safe” –, and I think he truly went there to make sure she wouldn’t be scooped up. That was his immediate objective. If she were found, the consequences would reach Liz and Agnes, and heading that threat off is what ultimately motivates Red here (→ “I want this done before Masha’s daughter comes home.”). He didn’t look too enthusiastic to make contact. He didn’t want to, he had to. And he didn’t tell Liz, which suggests that he wants this separation to remain, which suggests that something is up w/ Katarina that goes beyond the usual “you can’t be in her life bc it’s dangerous” reason. Dom stayed out of Liz’s life, too, for safety reasons yet Red told him to find Liz if anything happened to him. That doesn’t seem to be the case w/ Kat at all. Red himself stayed away from her yet he went to find Dom after Liz “death” and returned several times after that for advice or simply for his company.

The meeting w/ Kat wasn’t a social call and it did not feel like a romantic reunion, either. Red just looked sad and tense to me. And he clearly did not expect to be stabbed, so I don’t think that bit was part of any planned performance. Why he received that treatment is another good question. Kat has clearly come into the possession of some new info that compelled her to go on the offensive. It could be related to their past and that vague remark about what Red did to her OR it is about something more recent that Red wasn’t aware she was aware of?? Right now this moment feels like a convergence of two separate threads: Red came to warn her based on “undisclosed plot point A” and Katarina reacted to him based on “undisclosed plot point B”.

Oh, I love this song, anon. Antis can keep pointing at that awkward kiss (that he doesn’t even initiate, she keeps pushing her face into his) as evidence of some ~epic romance~ all they want, but once again they fail (and/or refuse) to see things in context and “Cape May” was already pretty clear wrt Red’s feelings, I agree. and the finale lines up w/ it, too, which is nice.

Red hasn’t seen her in 30 years yet he only decided to contact Kat bc her looming exposure threatened Liz and Agnes, and when he is shown a picture of her, this is his reaction:

Not exactly what I’d expect from a dude in love (even if it were unrequited). He had a way more emotional reaction to Dembe’s return and he only left like a week ago. This is more like how you react when someone shows you photographic evidence of Bigfoot chilling in their hot tub w/ a beer. And now we know Red knew all along that Katarina was alive, so him “designating” Liz as the woman he loves and confessing (several times both to her and others) that without her he has nothing to live for and saying her name as his last word speak volumes already. So if they wanted to sell Red/Kat, they have already undercut themselves on multiple fronts here by giving literally all the romance tropes to Red/Liz. But I don’t believe they are selling R/K, it’s just another smoke screen + Kat is part of a past both Red and Liz have to settle for the sake of their future. And settling the past is always easier and more fruitful to do w/ a living human than w/ a ghost or a hallucination.

Yeah, I think it’s there to signal that they (Dom and Kat included) go way back and were/are close, like you said. and to indicate shared Russian roots, perhaps. As I said above, I still think Red is Ilya and the Stranger is likely Russian, too, (and so is Dom), so using Liz’s original Russian name makes sense in this context of “Russian togetherness”.

and Red sometimes calls her Masha around Dom, too, bc that’s what Dom calls her bc that’s who she still is to Dom. And I think that’s why Red calls her Elizabeth bc that’s who she is to him, which is a nice little detail further emphasizing that his main/defining connection to her is the present one just as James keeps saying. Or as Red puts it on-screen

I can def see both sides here, anon, and more. Knowing what we know about Red, both are likely among the multiple reasons that underpin his behavior in this scene. Yes, on the one hand, he was pressed for time and wanted that Kat thing done as soon as possible. On the other, he was also kinda closed-off as if he were trying to hold back emotionally as well as physically, which I think flows from 2 main sources: 1) he feels uncomfortable w/ the labels Liz wants to push on him (ever since the pilot he’s been displaying a preference for “partner” and not “father” and he might be reaching his saturation point) and 2) he is still heartbroken and afraid to put himself out there again w/ Liz after three major betrayals in a row. He’s already had a sort of baseline distress due to how emotionally vulnerable he is to Liz at all times, so after this latest heartbreak I think he is just trying to take things slow, leaving space and time for Liz and himself to figure out a mutually acceptable way to fit together.

She’s been using his heart as a knife block to satisfy her own needs and I think it’s making him less and less willing to force himself into slots that feel uncomfortable to him. She just decided that him playing dad and grandad is what suits him but a week ago she thought life in prison suited him the best. I mean… that’s not how you relationship. At all. Relationships are ongoing negotiations where all involved need to consent to their “roles”. It’s not “I hate you now, so I will put you in prison” and then “I love you now, so stay for dinner”. After everything that’s happened, I am not surprised Red is pushing back a little here for the sake of (what’s left of) his own sanity. He is a deeply flawed, problematique human being but he is still a human being and not a toy.

Liz and Agnes are the most important to him and he would never ever force his preferences on them, I completely agree. But that doesn’t mean Liz should be allowed to force her preferences on him esp when those change so often and so drastically bc she clearly doesn’t know what she really wants from him yet. I think this realization is finally truly dawning on this guilt-ridden, lovesick idiot and that’s part of what we see in this scene, esp in that “I don’t wanna intrude” comment that really does feel like a pointed retreat from her abrupt park bench declaration. But of course there is no negotiation w/o talking and that’s what Liz wanted to do before Red shut her down, so…

bottom line (that’s been the same for 6 years): these 2 need to talk.

#anonymous #apicturewithasmile #tbl spec #long post #ramblings

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kagehinataboke · 6 years ago

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i don’t really have a prompt in mind but i have this really specific idea for a tdbk high school au where Bakugou is the captain of the basketball team and Todoroki is the captain of the volleyball team and they always get into huge fights and yeah i would just die to see this au if you feel like writing it, ty sm uwu, love your writing ❤️

okay so i’ve been working on this for a while, so sorry for the late response dear!! it sounds like a fantastic idea uwu

i also got really carried away tbh haha, it’s just such a cute au~ i might eventually make it a whole story bc it’s just so dang adorable! ;u; hope you like it anon

***

“What do you mean we can’t use the court?” Bakugou slams his hands down on Principal Nezu’s desk hard enough to knock over an innocent cup of pencils. “I’ve had it booked since last week! Who the hell took it?!”

“Language, Katsuki,” Nezu scolds, calmly fixing the cup. “Shouto made a very compelling argument, so the board and I decided to—“

“Dammit, that bastard?” Bakugou sits down hard, knocking over the pencils again. “He can’t keep stealing the court! My team needs to practice, too. What did he tell you this time, huh? Is he spreading rumors about me again?”

“He’s never spread rumors about you,” Nezu sighs, setting the pencil cup on the windowsill to save it from further assault. “Katsuki, it’s simple: his team has more funding and more support from the school board. There’s nothing I can do—“

“Bullshit.” Bakugou stands up to storm out, ripping a volleyball poster off the open door on his way. “Dammit, I’ll deal with it myself. Thanks for nothing.”

Todoroki Shouto is the most annoying, aggravating, horrible person Bakugou has ever met. That asshole constantly steals the court that the basketball team needs, sabotages their attempts to gain new members—and, most importantly, he’s got the support of the entire student council and faculty. Being the captain of the basketball team means nothing when Bakugou is terrible at making social connections.

“Bro, did you ask about the court?” Kirishima appears from thin air, Kaminari and Sero on his heels. “What’d Nezu say?”

“It’s that fucker again,” Bakugou growls, storming into the gym with enough ferocity to scare first-year volleyball members out of the way. “Dammit, Todoroki!” he yells across the gym at the irritating bastard who’s preparing for a serve. “You’re fucking dead!”

“Wait, you can’t just kill him!” Kirishima quickly grabs Bakugou by the arms, saving Todoroki’s shitty fucking pretty boy face in the nick of time.

“Ah, I see you found out about the gym.” Todoroki hands his ball to the vice-captain, Iida, and crosses his arms. “Did you come to fight me for it?”

Bakugou struggles against Kirishima’s grip, but it only gets him an inch closer to Todoroki’s irritatingly calm, unflinching face. “You must think this is a real fucking riot, huh, interfering with everything my team does?! This isn’t over, you fucking Half bastard!”

“You say that every time,” Todoroki calls after him as Kirishima and the others drag him away. “See you later, I guess.”

“Fuck you!”

***

“You’re the worst,” Bakugou says vehemently between impatient kisses down Todoroki’s pale throat. “You’re the worst fucking person I’ve ever met in my life.”

“Yes, I know.” Todoroki’s fingernails dig into his shoulders, spreading pinpricks of heat down his back. Bakugou wants to take a picture of his ruined expression and frame it. “Hey“—the bastard’s gasping now—“don’t leave marks.”

“Shut up.” Bakugou bites his collarbone spitefully, igniting Todoroki’s yelp. “You piss me the hell off. Give me back my court and I’ll consider being less rough.” He accentuates the threat with another bite. Fuck Todoroki Shouto and his dumbass ‘no marks’ bullshit. As if Bakugou would listen to him when he’s pissed off—or, fuck, even when he isn’t.

“Blackmailing me won’t work,” Todoroki replies with the same irritatingly docile expression. “I like it rou—“ He gasps when Bakugou kisses him harshly on the mouth. He was just about to say he likes it rough, this motherfucker.

Yes, Bakugou despises Todoroki more than anyone else in the world—but that may be the exact reason he likes seeing him defenseless and at his complete mercy so damn much. Hate-fucking him in a janitor’s closet has become a perpetual, reluctant, and mostly accidental habit that he tries to refrain from… but never can.

After they’re finished, Bakugou always feels like something is left unresolved, and no amount of cursing or regret will fix it. The two-tone bastard Todoroki doesn’t seem to share his thoughts, though. “Hey… You should come to my game tomorrow.”

“What, you mean the one that you stole my gym time to practice for?” Bakugou scoffs while pulling on his wrinkled jersey. “How about fuck you?”

“You do a good enough job of that on your own,” Todoroki replies evenly, slipping on his red practice jacket and zipping it up to his neck to hide the dark blemishes there. “You left hickeys all over me again, so it’s really the least you could do.”

“Just because I sometimes fuck you in closets doesn’t make us friends, or anything close to it,” Bakugou reminds, slinging his practice duffel over his shoulder and flipping off Icy Hot on his way out. “I still don’t fucking like you. Bye.”

“It’s at three o’clock!” Todoroki calls after him before the door closes, pissing Bakugou off even more. He won’t do this ever again, he swears—and he definitely won’t go to that stupid fucking game, either.

***

“You’re going to the volleyball game?” Kirishima is so surprised that he misses his free-throw, and the rogue basketball hits Kaminari in the head. “But… why?”

“Oi, proper passes asshole!” Bakugou yells at a first-year before answering, “I thought about it, and it’s a good chance for revenge. That dick Todoroki is always stealing members and support from us, so it’s time to get back at him.”

Kaminari pauses mid-dribble to raise an eyebrow disbelievingly. “That’s the only reason? You sure?”

“What exactly are you implying, huh?” Bakugou elbows him on his way to center court. “What other reason could there be? I’m just going to fuck with him.”

“But do you really even hate Todoroki, though?” Kaminari asks with a frown. “I mean, you guys are like… Ugh, you know when two people both like and hate each other at the same time? You’re, like, uh… Help me out here, Kirishima.”

“Frenemies?”

“Frenemies! You guys are like frenemies. I mean, you wouldn’t be so bothered by that guy if you didn’t like him at least a little.”

“Fuck you,” Bakugou scoffs, smacking the basketball out of his hand. “I’m going for sabotage reasons: that’s it.”

“Me too!” Sero calls suddenly from across the gym, elbowing a first-year in the chest when he throws his hand up. After apologizing and passing his ball to Shinsou, he trips over to them. “I wanna come, too. Uh, you know, to help with the espionage.”

Kaminari rolls his eyes. “You guys have fun, then. I’m not going.”

“Nobody fucking asked you to.” Bakugou takes a position at the three-point line. “I only told you two so you’d keep an eye on practice for me.” He takes a shot and it sails straight into the basket. “Just make sure nobody dies—and for fuck’s sake, get these shitty first-years to improve their damn passes!”

“Aren’t you worried Principal Nezu will be mad if you’re there?” Kirishima interjects. “He knows you hate Todoroki’s guts. He’ll definitely suspect something.”

“He won’t suspect shit.” Bakugou pulls the sweatband off his wrist and tosses it to Kaminari with a smirk. “Just wait and see: I’ll pay that pretty boy over ten-fucking-fold.”

“Pretty boy?” Kirishima echoes.

“Shut the fuck up, Shitty Hair.” Bakugou makes another three-pointer, but he can’t focus on his game when the memory of Todoroki’s stupid face is haunting him. Sometimes he can’t get the look of that bastard out of his head—of Todoroki’s parted lips and splayed hips; of Bakugou’s own hands on that delicate porcelain skin.

Shit, he already wants to break his promise and fuck him again. If he goes to the game and sees Todoroki playing, he might just have to. Sweaty skin, a neckline low enough to show off the marks Bakugou left, and those tight, tight shorts— Oh fuck, he’s totally done for.

Shit, Bakugou’s riled up now. He passes his ball to Kirishima with an irritated scoff. “Fucking take this. I’ll be right back.”

“What? Wait, where are you—“

Bakugou slams through the gym doors before he can finish his sentence, punching a locker hard enough to dent it. “Calm down,” he orders himself. His body is basically flipping him off, though. “I hate him. I hate him.” He has to say it twice to make it sound believable. Lately, Bakugou has been struggling to put a name to his feelings. Hate is there, but it’s not the only thing he feels anymore. Why did he become closer to Todoroki in the first place? How can he possess him one second and let him go the next? It doesn’t make any sense if he takes time to think about it.

“Fuck.” Bakugou punches the locker again. Pain is one thing he has no trouble feeling. “Fuck,” he says again, resting his head against the dented metal.

Maybe he shouldn’t go. If he sees Todoroki at the game, he’ll… Well, he honestly doesn’t know what he’ll do. Hit him? Maybe. Kiss him? Probably. Fuck him again? Almost definitely.

***

The amount of people that show up to a volleyball game is… depressing. Bakugou has never seen a crowd of more than eighty people at a basketball game, but there’s well over a hundred here. He’s scowling as he sits down in a seat where that bastard Todoroki won’t see him. What is it about volleyball? Basketball is way fucking harder. Sure, Bakugou’s never seen a volleyball game before, but their practices look easy as hell. Dammit, he’s forgetting why he came here: there’s a job to do.

“Sero, did you remember to bring it?” Bakugou whispers, keeping his eyes trained on the court. The Half bastard hasn’t shown up yet. “Sero? Sero— For fuck’s sake, what are you doing?”

Sero jumps, quickly ripping his gaze away from the face of the volleyball tram’s vice-captain. “Oh, uh… sorry. I brought it.” He digs in his bag to retrieve a package of marbles. “Isn’t this plan too childish, though? And some people could get seriously hurt.”

“It’s just fucking marbles. Don’t be a pussy.” Bakugou snatches the package from him and rips it open. “As soon as the game hits the second set, you trip me and spill these all over the court. Got it?”

“Yeah,” Sero agrees reluctantly, eyeing Iida again. It’s no secret he’s got a thing for him. “…I got it.”

“Good. Stay on your toes and…” Bakugou’s mouth goes completely dry when Todoroki steps onto the court. It’s hard to explain, but there’s something… different about the way he looks right now. His eyes are filled with such unnerving intensity that it makes Bakugou shiver. He could be thinking about his classes or the hickeys that are just visible above the collar of his uniform, but his mind seems laser-focused on the game ahead.

Fuck, he’s beautiful. Who the fuck gave him the right to be this hot? Bakugou silently drinks up the sight of him running, jumping, blocking—everything that makes his heart slam suicidally against his chest cavity. Point after point; Todoroki’s team scores again and again, easily taking the first set. Bakugou doesn’t even remember what he’s supposed to be doing until Sero’s shoulder roughly smacks into his arm.

He falls forward, throwing out his hands to right himself. As he does, the marble package slips from his hands, cascading over the heads of the row in front of them to tumble across the gym floor. The world stops, time crawling to a painful halt. Todoroki had been mid-jump, about to serve. The marbles have spread across the court, and he lands on one almost immediately. The chaos is more broad-spread than expected: both teams are down.

Everyone is too busy panicking to look for the source of the incident, but Todoroki’s gaze pierces straight through the crowd. Bakugou makes direct eye contact with him before vaulting the bleacher railing and disappearing into the hall. He fucked up. Or, no, he succeeded. He wanted to cause destruction, and he most definitely did. But, then… why does he feel so shitty?

He embarrassed Todoroki. Wasn’t that his goal from the start? He has no reason to be filled with… What is this feeling, anyway? Guilt? No fucking way. Bakugou refuses to even think about feeling guilty. But staring at the locker he punched, the sensation builds and builds until it’s unbearable. It was an accident. Even if he was planning it, it was still an accident. But fuck, he shouldn’t have to justify it at all. What the hell—

A fist catches him in the jaw “What the fuck—“ Bakugou gasps when hands seize him by the collar, slamming him against the dented locker. It’s hard to believe what he’s seeing. “What… Todoroki?”

Bakugou has never seen Todoroki angry before, and he wishes he didn’t have to see it now. His stormy eyes are full of raw, unbridled rage. He’s quite clearly pissed off. The emotion is even clearer in his voice. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

The question is so cold and serious that it’s impossible to give a joking response. “I… didn’t mean to.”

“You’re lying.” Todoroki’s fists clench against Bakugou’s shirt. “I invited you because I thought things could change, but they can’t, can they?” The anger drains from his eyes as quickly as it appeared, grip slackening on Bakugou’s collar. “You must… really hate me, huh?”

The words feel like bullets. Why does it hurt so much to hear them? Bakugou does hate him. He hates looking at him and hearing his voice and being powerless against his charm. But he can’t stop coming back for more and more of Todoroki Shouto, like he’s a drug. A drug with too many damn side-effects. Doubt, insecurity, fear, and something else… Something deeper that’s too hard to think about.

“So it’s true?” Todoroki shakes his head and releases him when Bakugou doesn’t say anything. “I guess this is it, then. I’m done being the object of your amusement. This isn’t a game.” He backs a few steps away, but the distance feels like miles.

If he keeps going, there won’t be a problem: Bakugou can probably go on believing he despises him. But the Half bastard always has to ruin everything, so he stops and looks over his shoulder. “For what it’s worth… I never once hated you.”

Dammit. Why did it have to be this way? It would be so much easier if Todoroki hated him. They could keep being at odds with each other, fighting over who gets to use the gym, bickering with Nezu about club funding. In the end, though, that’s impossible. Bakugou knows deep down what he wanted from the start—what he still wants now. He can’t make complete sense of his emotions, but… maybe he doesn’t have to.

“Todoroki.” Bakugou is surprised by the rawness of his voice. He’s supposed to be walking away, not closer. “Don’t.”

Don’t… what? Don’t go, don’t stay? He’s even confusing himself. But there’s no going back now: Todoroki has turned to face him again, lips parted in a yet-to-be-voiced question. Bakugou doesn’t let him speak, taking him by the wrist. Where his fingers touch Todoroki’s soft skin, he can feel a rapid-fire pulse. It skyrockets even more when they kiss.

Todoroki loses his balance, gripping fistfuls of Bakugou’s shirt when he slams him against the dented locker. A noise of protest rumbles from the back of his throat when Bakugou’s tongue slips into his mouth, but he could care less. His head is screaming. This stupidly annoying, beautiful bastard is all he wants right now. Fuck, is this what he’s been waiting for? For this shot of clarity?

He doesn’t hate Todoroki Shouto at all. He never did. No, in fact, he just might be madly in love with him.

With a gasp, Todoroki finally manages to separate their mouths. “What the… hell do you… think you’re doing?”

He’s so out of breath that he can barely speak. Doesn’t this dumbass know to breathe through his nose? It pisses Bakugou off even more. “You god damn idiot.” He presses Todoroki’s back harder against the locker. “‘This isn’t a game’? I never saw this as a fucking game, asshole. You started shit with me, and I wanted to finish it.”

Todoroki grabs his wrist, eyes aflame again. “I’m not the one who picks fights with you. I admit that I don’t treat you properly, but I never start things directly. You’re the one who’s always hanging around, threatening me.” He scoffs softly. “It’s because you hate me, isn’t that right? You despise me.”

“Motherfucker…” Bakugou slams his fist against the wall to keep from punching Todoroki’s stupid fucking pretty face. “Are you stupid? I’ve never once said I hate you, Half n’ Half. Not fucking once.”

“You’re going to tell me you don’t? After everything you’ve done?” Todoroki pushes his head away from the wall, eyes steely. “Why would I ever believe you?”

Fuck. Does Bakugou have to say it? To say it will mean admitting it to himself first. Can he do that? Can he throw away years of resentment so easily? Then again, maybe that resentment has been disappearing for a while. When was the last time he thought about Todoroki with disgust? Or, rather… has he ever?

“I don’t hate you,” Bakugou mutters eventually. All the strength rushes out of him, and he drops his head against Todoroki’s shoulder. “I don’t hate you at all. I think I actually… Fuck. I think I actually like you a lot.”

It’s been a long time since Bakugou’s told the truth like this. Todoroki’s eyes convey his shock at the pure honesty in the words, but he doesn’t get a chance to respond. People are filing out of the gym, their loud voices carrying down the hallway—including Todoroki’s teammates.

“Fuck,” Bakugou mutters, backing up down the hall. “I’ll… see you later.”

Todoroki starts to protest, but Bakugou has already turned to run.

***

Bakugou isn’t sure how far or for how long he’s walked, but he should’ve been home twenty minutes ago. Ha… Not like it matters. What the fuck has he gone and done? He confessed to Todoroki, even though his feelings are a total mess. God, he’s so fucking dead. Why the fuck would he go and say such stupid shit?

“Ugh… Fuck me.” Bakugou collapses on a park bench, tearing his hands through his hair. “Dammit. Fucking idiot. What the hell is wrong with you, Katsuki? Oh my god, I can never show my face at school again. I’ll move to fucking Osaka and start bartending or some shit. Fuck. I wanna die…”

“Bakugou?”

For a moment, he thinks he must be imagining things. Why, at the peak of his misery, would Todoroki appear to worsen things? The universe can’t possibly be that cruel. Oh, but of course it can. Todoroki Shouto is standing in front of him, wearing casual clothes and a streetlight halo. Fuck. He’s as stupidly beautiful as ever. The universe really is an asshole, isn’t it?

“How did you find me?” is all Bakugou can manage to say. He hasn’t been yelling, but his voice is raw.

“I live near here. I couldn’t sleep, so I went for a walk.” Todoroki’s eyes glow in the soft fluorescent lamplight when he takes a step closer. “Are you… okay?”

“You shouldn’t be asking me that, asshole.” Bakugou lowers his head, too embarrassed to look him in the face. They’ve been in far more intimate situations, yet this somehow feels like the most exposing of all. “Just go back home. I’m not ready to talk yet.”

Of course, Todoroki never listens to him. He sits down, close enough for their shoulders to touch. “Did you mean what you said back there?”

“I’m not a fucking liar,” Bakugou grumbles irritably. “I meant it, even if I don’t fully understand it. I like you.” He lets out a breath. What a tremendous weight that’s been lifted… “Fuck. I like you so fucking much, it hurts.”

For the first time since they met, Bakugou lets himself look at Todoroki without a hint of anger. The other emotions that take its place are immediately overwhelming, and Bakugou can’t stop himself from reaching out to brush a fingertip across Todoroki’s soft bottom lip. It’s different from the way he’s touched him before, always full of mindless lust and spite. This is a gentle ache; one that starts in his chest and gradually moves through his whole body like a wildfire.

Todoroki’s breath catches quietly, which is more than enough to send Bakugou into cardiac arrest. He wants him. He wants all of him right now, but in a much different way than before. Rather than doing it to hurt him, Bakugou wants Todoroki Shouto to willingly belong to him. He wants to touch him so gently that he forgets everything else in the world.

“Can I…” Bakugou starts, voice deep and raspy with unchecked desire. His composure is steadily dissolving. Fuck, he wants to melt into him like ice cream on hot pavement.

Thank god, Todoroki wants it as much as he does. He’s barely finished nodding before Bakugou’s tongue is in his mouth, fingers sliding under his sweatshirt. Fuck, his skin is soft. His saliva tastes like fucking peppermint. Was kissing him always this good? Bakugou’s thirst for him is utterly insatiable. Shit. Hate-fucking is nothing compared to whatever this is.

“Wait,” Todoroki gasps when Bakugou’s hand slips up his inner leg. “Not here, Bakugou—“

“First name,” Bakugou interrupts gruffly, gripping Todoroki’s thigh tighter to shut him up. He’s been waiting for this for a long time, he realizes. Fuck, it’s too good. “If you like me, use my first name.”

Todoroki doesn’t even hesitate. “Katsuki,” he whispers in an absolutely disastrous way. “Katsuki, I like you, too. I like you.”

Fuck, those damn words… He’s definitely trying to destroy him. But even so, it feels too amazing to care. Wreck me, Bakugou wants to say. Bite me. Break me. Bloody me. Tear me up completely.

To be destroyed by Todoroki Shouto might be all he’s ever wanted.

#i'm sobbing this is so good wth #bless anon #this is beautiful #ugh #;-;#todobaku #tdbk #answered asks #my writing #bnha

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callioope · 5 years ago

Text

I finished Rebels! Let the rambling begin...

I have a lot of thoughts just swirling around, so this probably won’t be significantly coherent but bear with me.

Favorites:

Characters: Hera has, hands down, been my fave from the get-go. Competent! Snarky! Awesome pilot! What’s not to love? Sabine was also fantastic; I particularly loved her arc with the Darksaber, her family, and Mandalore. I enjoyed “meeting” her family; very interesting characters and a family dynamic, and I was eating that all up. And to see Bo-Katan!!! And Sabine looking for the right person to give the Darksaber, and handing it to her? My heart!!! Also Bo being upset that Sabine named her weapon after her sister! (Yes, indeed, many mistakes were made!)

Ships: I knew people shipped Ezra/Sabine, but I wasn’t really “feeling” it until Sabine started training with the Darksaber. Loved their sparring! Also it felt like they were starting to jive as partners from that point on. I can’t recall how many missions before that they were assigned on together, but after that it seemed like all the time they were working together. I loved it! So gonna need to look for some fic there.

Plot Lines: I did love the tie in to the Mortis arc (and that artwork was so beautiful -- both the art of the daughter, father, and son, and also the way that other plane/dimension area was depicted). Idk, it felt like a lot of things coming together -- Ezra using the Daughter’s art to open the portal to ultimately save Ahsoka... I appreciated how that went down. Although I HAVE to know what Vader was thinking when Ahsoka just vanished before him??

Issues

Okay, going to be forever mad that Star Wars tortured Hera when she would have had to been pregnant. First of all, that’s dark. Second of all it’s hard enough to get pregnant why do they have to put her under that kind of

It felt like Ezra’s ending was a cop out to avoid “breaking” the original trilogy. Like, “oh no, we have two three Jedi -- we have to explain why they weren’t there for Luke! So we’ll kill one, have the other vanish into space with hyperspace traveling space whales, and Ahsoka? Um? idk we’ll give her a robe and imply she’s some kind of fancy time traveller?” Kanan’s end was written well, I think, but I have trouble buying Ezra’s logic that Kanan’s last lesson was that Ezra also needed to sacrifice himself? And as soon as possible, apparently? It just felt like too much.

It seems like Lucasfilm really bends over backwards to avoid contradicting the canon of the Original Trilogy, but many times it feels totally unnecessary. Other explanations could be found rather than killing people off or mysteriously removing them from the chess board.

So let’s take a look at what they conceive the problem to be: “If Ezra was hanging around the rebellion, why doesn’t Luke meet him?” I could probably think of lots of reason. Hell, wouldn’t it be a fun running gag that they never cross paths? I could get behind that. (Kind of like my headcanon that Jyn and Cassian almost meet a ton of times and gosh it’d be nice if Jyn made a cameo background appearance in the Cassian tv series.)

But I’d still think even that type of explanation would be unnecessary. We know by ESB that Luke has learned to use the Force a bit, why couldn’t Ezra have been his informal teacher? Ezra would still be learning himself, only a few years ahead of Luke, so he wouldn’t be a great teacher, and they’d have separate missions, so they don’t see each other often. I think that’d be just enough to get Luke to where he is in ESB. And just because a character isn’t mentioned, doesn’t mean he didn’t exist? Just that he’s not on Luke’s mind during Luke’s screen time?

I do understand why Luke knowing Ahsoka could “break” things, but I don’t think Ezra would have. So YEAH. EZRA FLEEING WITH THE SPACE WHALES WAS DUMB. and again, gonna need some fix it fic.

And finally, the whole “TIME TRAVEL” stuff

So this got spoiled for me at some point, and I was pretty mad about the little that I heard about it. anyone who’s talked to me about time travel knows i absolutely loathe it as a plot device; i think it’s incredibly tricky to pull off. you either have to be campy/silly about it and it’s just for fun so w/e. OR you have to really really balance the effects appropriately. An example of time travel that I like is Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban bc there’s closed loops. (And an example of time travel I loathe is The Cursed Child but let’s not go there today. you had a good time travel approach in previous books why would you)

But in Rebels -- is it really, technically time travel? I’d like to think no, actually, not to the extent that such plot devices usually play out. I think it’s a little different. (And I’m sure there’ve been like a million articles since this episode aired but I have read none of them so *shrugs* and I also don’t know what Lucasfilm has had to say on the matter.)

anyways, I feel this way: that that cool-looking starry circle plane grants access to key points in time that are like, Force-charged. The only two actual moments we saw were very Force-charged: Vader & Ahsoka fighting, and Kanan’s use of the Force to block the explosion to help his friends escape. The third open portal is Palpy attempting to hack into the system, so, yeah, powerful Force-user that he is, that still checks out.

Also, Ahsoka spends some time and effort convincing Ezra not to save Kanan because it would have too powerful of an effect on the course of events since then. So there’s some balances to the way this works, although we’re not really told explicitly. Ahsoka and Ezra both return to the portals they came through; I’d like to think that this is another necessary thing to keep things functioning properly (that there would be some kind of bad consequences to moving to wrong places).

All in all, I think canon is just vague enough that I can project my personal opinions on how I want it to work. This is good for me because I was honestly expecting to hate this particular arc, and I didn’t at all.

So, I’m open to this world between worlds thing, but Lucasfilm better not abuse it.

Is that everything? I think that’s everything

And also, one last thought, I’ve said it before but those crystal foxes on Crait were toootally cribbed from “Kindred” so. You know. way to go TLJ *eyeroll*

Also also, Thrawn is impossible to understand at all times. Why does he talk so quietly?! Thanks now my volume is up at a ridiculous level so I can kill my eardrums later when I turn it off.

Finally, ALSO ALSO ALSO, if Thrawn exists in canon then Mara Jade must too and I will never get over it if she’s never made canon <-- me, barely holding out hope that she’ll appear in Ep 9. (She won’t, I keep trying to tell myself. but you know. headcanons and fanon and fanfiction are built on hope.)

#rebels #PHEW #i had a lot of thoughts #i probably have more #someone flail with me about this #liz watches rebels #also what am i gonna watch NEXT?#oh who am i kidding its gonna be black sails

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