#but i don't want to get in trouble... and i moved & organized a lot anyway tonight so i think it's enough for now

[7-oh-ta1]

y'all i switched the side of the bed I sleep on 😳 scared and nervous I've always sleep on the right side since I was a wee lass

It was 10pm and now it's 11pm after I decided to rearrange and organize my room to fix my life 😌🌺

[starbunii]

Sorry if this is against the rules, but can I get HCs of Kokichi, Sonia, Tenko, Hiyoko, and Mikan with a fem!S/O who has Huntington's Disease? It's totally cool if not!! Totally understand this is a squick kind of topic!! If not all those characters, then Just Kokichi and Sonia is fine, but again, no pressure!! <3

ooo i would love to write this one!! ty for requesting it, i've never gotten sm characters in 1 req before! i'll organize them alphabetically :3c

danganronpa characters x fem!reader with huntington's disease !!

im sorry if i didnt portray it properly! i researched to the best of my ability!

+ ° . ୨ �� ୧ . °

╰╮🩰🧁〣 ♡ 〢🥛

hiyoko saionji

when you first meet, she kind of just makes fun of you, not quite understanding that you can't control the twitching and moving

hiyoko, being hiyoko, will make fun of you at first (bc of course she would)

however, once you explain everything, she'll make an effort to understand!

if you forget something, she'll politely remind you (if she remembers)

might tease you if you forget something important, but nothing too mean

rlly tries being patient, which is hard. but she loves you so much that she tries anyway

kokichi ouma

he rlly doesn't question it too much when you first meet

he's met a lot of different types of characters, being the leader of D.I.C.E and all, so someone with Huntington's? not a big deal

might tease you from time to time, but nothing too mean

he knows you can't always control the way you move, so he tries not to dwell on it too much

keeps an eye on you while you're eating, given that having trouble swallowing can be a symptom

if anyone looks at you weird, he'll fight them! or at least try to

mikan tsumiki

like kokichi, she doesn't seem to mind or be too bothered by it

she's a nurse; she's seen a lot of things and is well aware of what Huntington's is

the occasional jerk or twitch might startle her if she's not expecting it; but overall, she doesn't mind too much

very wary if your hands are twitching, just because of her past traumas

however, if it's your face that twitches more, she doesn't care too much

if it's getting frustrating or too uncomfortable, she'll gladly comfort you!!

doesn't mind if you forget things; bc she does too

if you have a wheelchair, she'll push you around wherever you want to go, even if she's not that strong

startled at first; but after asking a few (million) questions, she'll understand

since she's been sheltered most of her life, she doesn't understand a lot of outside experiences, but she is more than willing to learn

will ask you how you cope with it all, and will assist the best she can!!

she'll happily drive you to physical therapy in her expensive sportscar, making sure you're happy and comfortable the whole way there

you are spoiled like a little princess <33

tenko chabashira

immediately sees you as someone she needs to take great care of

a girl? with an incurable disease that causes her to twitch and forget things? yeah, she's all over you, helping out the best she can

writes things down for you, even if it's something you know you can probably remember yourself

sometimes she just needs a strong "no, im ok" or a "no, i can do this myself" to remember that you've got everything

will 100% carry you if you get tired, or just don't want to walk!!

tries to do her best to support you physically

knows insomnia is a symptom, and will take naps with you just to make sure you go to sleep

she's ready to wake up when you do <3

starbunii 2024 — all rights reserved. do not redistribute or translate to any other platforms -- thank you for reading !

[cantstoplovingjude]

Underneath the Black Veil: Jude Jazza Premium

This is from Ikemen Villains EN, Cybird owns everything.

(What a disgustin' place.)

I cursed inwardly in front of the church altar after I put all the followers to sleep.

(Why the hell would I bind myself in an eternal promise to someone else, as if that made anythin' better?)

(A vow of love's nothin' more than a curse.)

(What's so great 'bout cursing each other to stick together in sickness or in health?)

The sacred atmosphere, the solemn sound of the organ, the sweet fragrance of the flowers... It all seemed cursed to me.

No "vow" could ever be considered beautiful.

Not for me, anyway.

Just then, the door opened and Kate appeared, wearing a jet-black dress.

(Damn, she looks nervous.)

I watched as she pressed her lips together and looked at me.

The moment our eyes met, a strange look came over her face.

(What's that all about?)

She got this dreamy look in her eyes, like she had a fever or something.

And she began to slowly walk down the aisle toward me.

(Ha...)

(What an idiot. Don't tell me ya got caught up in the moment?)

(Sometimes she's so damned stupid I actually worry about her.)

Jude: "What're ya doin', facial exercises?"

Kate: "Huh?"

It was like she didn't even realize she'd reached the altar until I said something.

She just blinked at me.

(She took on the daft job of being Fairytale Keeper 'n so far she's kept her promise.)

(What a hopeless princess.)

She stood there in her wedding dress, looking utterly defenseless.

The thought crossed my mind that I could tear her to shreds in an instant if I wanted to.

Jude: "Lookin' like you're on another planet. Sure ya wanna get hitched?"

Just then, a gentle-looking man with long hair and glasses appeared.

(Must be the leader.)

Man with glasses: "We are gathered together today to celebrate the true love between our new followers."

Amore: "My name is Amore, the leader of Amour. I am a servant of love, who will grant your love eternal."

(This git's a total nutter.)

He made all these exaggerated gestures while he spoke like some kind of dimwit.

It was so creepy I was getting goosebumps.

(Could just shut him up right now by puttin' him to sleep.)

(But I've gone to way too much trouble. I won't be satisfied till tease her a bit.)

I remembered the investigation report I read on the way here.

("The lovers are most likely poisoned somehow once they take their vows.")

In that case...

(An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. And poison for poison.)

Amore: "Now, there is no need for vows between two people who truly love each other."

Amore: "So if you pledge your eternal love, close your eyes and seal that pledge with a kiss."

Kate: "...O-oh."

Kate's breath caught in her throat.

(Why's she so flustered when she knows we're not gonna actually do it?)

I grabbed her chin and felt her tense up beneath my touch.

And when I pulled her closer, her eyes were so big you'd think they were gonna fall out of her head.

Kate: "Ah..."

Jude: "Hm."

(Look up at me, princess. I'll move my face close to make it seem like we're kissin'.)

Her cheeks slowly turned red as she tipped her face up toward me.

(...Huh?)

(Does she really think I'm gonna kiss her?)

I stared at her in disbelief, watching as her lips trembled.

I could tell she was a nervous wreck.

But even still, she squeezed her eyes shut tightly.

(Hah...)

(I didn't think even she was this foolish.)

-Flashback-

Kate: "I'm sure lots of people don't actually believe that their love will last forever just because they exchange vows and have a ceremony in a church."

Kate: "But what's important is that they tell each other they intend to keep those vows."

Kate: "And when they think they might break their vows, they'll remember that day when they swore to each other."

Kate: "And maybe that'll keep them going to try to find a solution."

-Flashback ends-

So naive it made me wanna throw up.

But it probably sounded like the truth to her.

(Stupidly honest, ridiculously obedient and to good for this world.)

(A princess who never knew hardship in her life, who truly believed in her ridiculous naivete.)

(To think a woman like her would swear to stay with me forever... What a joke.)

I envied her for believing in such ridiculous positivity...

But at the same time, the sadistic side of me wanted to ruin it for her just to make her understand.

Jude: "...Ya actually closed your eyes?"

Kate: "Yes?"

Her eyes, which had been closed to accept the kiss, fluttered open.

Jude: "Ya really are an idiot."

I stared into her wide eyes as I brushed my lips against hers.

Her body trembled as she stared at me in shock.

Kate: "A-ahh..."

Jude: "Pfft, look at that dumb face."

(Maybe this'll teach her a lesson for once.)

Amore: "Well, then. I hereby recognize you as husband and wife. Now I shall make your love eternal."

Amore: "Pour this wine into each other's mouths."

Amore dramatically took out two wine glasses.

Jude: "So, this your secret remedy for makin' love eternal, huh?"

Amore: "Yes, that's right."

I was certain the wine was poisoned.

(Haha. What a nice smile.)

I started to feel excited when I pictured that smile distorting with pain.

Jude: "By the way, didja know your waiters spilled water on us today?"

Amore: "...Huh?"

I poured the wine over his head, drenching him.

I aimed just so that I could be sure it would go into his eyes, nose, and mouth.

Amore: "Bwaaah?!"

He immediately became distraught and rushed to the cupboard by the altar.

Kate: "What in the world is he doing?"

Jude: "Lookin' for the antidote, I'd bet."

Kate: "Antidote...?"

The color drained out of her face.

She must've put two and two together about the wine.

Kate: "How did you know?"

Jude: "I read Victor's report on the way here."

She stared at me as if to say this was the first she'd heard of it.

(Course it is, 'cuz I didn't tell ya.)

(If I'd told her, she would've blurted out somethin' stupid anyway.)

I ignored her gaze as I walked over to Amore as he took out a vial from the cupboard.

And I grabbed his wrist before he could open it.

Jude: "Ya ever heard of gettin' a taste of your own medicine? That's what ya deserve for makin' other people suffer."

Jude: "Why'd ya get to live while others die? Selfish piece of shit."

Amore: "Ugh... arghhh!"

(I can make ya scream even louder.)

(The poison must be taking effect.)

Amore: "Th-there's no time! Let me go! P-please, I'll do anything!"

Jude: "Anythin'? All right. How 'bout we sign a contract?"

Jude: "A contract to do whatever the hell I say till ya die. You'll make that vow, won't ya?"

After I saw him nod, I let go of his wrist.

He looked so frantic I almost laughed as he gulped down the antidote.

(Yeah, yeah. Nice job.)

I poked his forehead with my fingertips.

And, with my ability, he instantly dropped to the floor in a deep sleep.

Kate: "What do you plan on doing with him?"

Jude: "Haven't decided yet."

I looked down at the leader, who lay on the floor.

(Could use him for experiments, throw him onto a cargo ship...)

Kate: "Hey, where are all the followers, anyway?"

Jude: "Dreamin'. Even the guy playin' the organ went down in the middle."

(At any rate, the mission was a success.)

(That's what she's probably thinkin'.)

I let out an exasperated sigh when I heard her sigh with relief.

Jude: "Had no idea ya were 'bout to sign a dangerous contract, huh?"

Kate: "What?"

She blinked at me and tipped her head cutely to the side.

(Did she already forget what happened?)

(She's more dangerous than I thought.)

(How in the world did she manage to survive this long?)

Jude: "The whole, if ya wanna pledge your eternal love, close your eyes deal."

Jude: "Ya closed your eyes. So ya wanna spend the rest of your life gettin' tortured by me, huh?"

She took about five seconds, and then it finally hit her.

Even her neck turned bright red this time.

Kate: "I thought we had to kiss so you could have a chance to catch him!"

Jude: "All ya had to do was just lean in close 'n we coulda pretended to kiss."

Kate: "B-but then why did you kiss me?!"

Kate: "You should've just pretended, then!"

Jude: "Wanted to see that ridiculous look on your face after."

(Even if it's fake, sealin' your vows with a kiss is a daft idea. That's your punishment for going along with it so easily.)

Jude: "Don't worry. I had no intention of closin' MY eyes."

Kate: "That's not why I closed my eyes!"

Jude: "Uh-huh. Sure."

Her face was still bright red, but now she was speechless and shaking.

(Damn. I love that face. It's the cutest thing.)

Jude: "That ain't the kinda face a blushin' bride makes."

Kate: "I am NOT your bride!"

I wondered how much of this rubbish world I'd have to show her... in order to make that pretty face of hers distort with despair.

(For some reason, I can't even picture it.)

Instead, I pictured her standing proudly, glaring at the harsh reality even if she was covered in filth.

And something stupid tingled deep inside my stomach.

End Premium

[fictional-teakettle]

Waiting for the Cocoa to Cool ☕

In which Gus gets angsty about the whole becoming-a-villain thing, and Pen makes him cocoa. She also makes him laugh himself silly.

⚠️ This is a ticklefic! If that ain't your thing, kindly move along ⚠️

🫂 Pairing: Lee!Gus, Ler!Pen (100% platonic, 200% consensual, sfw)

‼️CW/TW: Gus curses like a sailor, you have been warned 😂 If there are any trigger warnings you'd like me to add (to this piece any/or any work in the future), please let me know!

While I adore both, I'm much more comfy with writing as a medium than drawing. So I thought I'd write a quick lil ticklefic to introduce Gus a bit more organically than my typical habit of infodumping. 😅 This fic ended up being much longer than I anticipated, but hey - what's wrong with extra tickles? Nothing I can think of.

Hope you enjoy! -🐧

"You want some cocoa, hun?"

I don't wait for an answer - I've already made two mugs. Gus will never refuse cocoa (not my cocoa, anyway).

Besides, he's staring out at the rain, which means he's too lost in thought to register anything I say anyway. His reverie only breaks when I set his mug beside him on the end table, directly in his line of vision, and plop myself down on the sofa beside him.

"Did you tell them about me?"

Look at that. Bailey owes me five bucks. He thought it'd take Gus a couple minutes before he started fretting about my new project.

"I gave them a little introduction." I pat his hand. "There's an awful lot to know about you, hun."

"Right, but did you tell them about... you know..."

How 'bout that! Bailey owes me ten.

"Vaguely." I set my mug down on the coffee table. "I said you went off the deep end for a bit."

Gus manages a mirthless little scoff of a chuckle. "There's an understatement."

"I mean, that's what happened," I shrug. "You just... lost your head for a while."

"I dunno, Pen. I think there was a little more to it than that."

"Mm. That's a topic for future posts."

Gus looks away.

He's right, of course - there's a lot more to it. Just... not a lot that matters to us now, in my cozy living room, listening to the rain patter on the window. The only problem is that Gus can't stay present to save his life.

But that's why I made the cocoa. Nothing heals like cocoa, in my humble opinion (especially my cocoa).

Unfortunately it's still too hot to drink. I gotta think of some other way to distract him before he starts ruminating on-

"Are you sure you don't wanna start with Hazel?"

I stifle a sigh. "Gus, love, we talked about this, remember?"

"I'm just saying, the villain isn't the one who deserves a-"

"You're not the villain."

"Well, I was sure acting like one!"

"Because you were high as a kite on Dr. Jekyll's axe-crazy-monster juice."

"That I made myself!"

"You didn't intend to drink it." I lean back. "You just needed it for... you know. Vengeance..."

Gus throws me a flat look. He's right, this conversation isn't really going a productive direction.

"Look," I try again, " You're not in that story anymore. You were never even supposed to be in that story in the first place. If anyone deserves a soft epilogue, in a new place, it's you."

"But so do you." Gus meets my gaze for the first time in the whole conversation. "Your life got fucked up, too. If you're gonna go to all this trouble, you deserve to focus on your own epilogue."

"Why do you think you're sitting in my living room?" I squeeze his hand. "You're my comfort character, Gus. We're in this together."

"What's that?"

"Comfort character? It means you make me feel safe."

He blinks. "...Oh."

"You're my comfiest comfort character." I scoot closer and rest my head on his shoulder.

I can feel a bit of the tension in his muscles ease at the cuddle. "You're makin' me sound like a stuffed animal," he mutters good-naturedly.

"Mm."

"I think Hazel's a lot better at comforting that I am though, personally..."

This man. Cannot. Let anything go.

Which means it's time to switch tactics.

"Hey, you know what I forgot to tell them about you?"

"I mean, Hazel's a fairy godmother." He's no longer listening. "Comfort is her whole-" At least he isn't until right about here, when he freezes mid-phrase.

He hadn't even noticed me slip my arm behind his back, but he's definitely noticed that I'm now walking the fingers of both hands up his sides.

"Don't let me interrupt you, hun..."

"Ohhh no, you don't!"

"You were saying...?"

"Pen, cheheh- cut that out!"

"No, no, continue, I insist!"

"Pen!" His voice cracks even on this one syllable.

"I'm just demonstrating a little detail I forgot to mention to our readers."

Finally, twisting to face me, he manages to snag both my wrists and hold them still. "Wh-What do they need to know that for?!"

"What do they need to know what for?" I smile sweetly.

"That I'm-" He's so flustered he just barely catches himself.

I flash him a wide grin. "You wanna tell 'em, honey?"

He just squirms - struggling with an uncharacteristically silly grin of his own that he doesn't entirely seem to realize he's making. "Over my cold, dead-"

Mm, I don't need to hear the end of that threat. I easily break my wrists from his grasp and set to work on his adorable little belly.

The detail I forgot to tell you is that Gus is devastatingly ticklish.

"WaitwaitWAIT Pehehen, staHAhp!!"

Gus isn't a loud guy. Even his full-out cackling barely makes it above most folks' normal speaking voice. But what he lacks in volume he makes up for in intensity - he's got the most contagious, helpless laughter I've ever heard in my life. The best I can describe it is quietly maniacal.

"Stopstopstopit-getOFFmehehe!!" He also has an adorable tendency to babble incoherently when he gets nervous - or flustered, in this case. Especially if I get 'im right up under his ribs...

"ACK! Pehehen! Penstop I cahan't- Ihi-"

The nice thing about this spot is that I can wiggle my fingers right up under his diaphragm, so his own giggling starts to tickle.

"I can't st-stop! AHahaha- plehehehease!!"

It's definitely a spot to use sparingly, else he'll run out of air. I give him another few tweaks before sitting back, beaming as he catches his breath.

"This is... heh... c-completely unnecessary," he mutters, his hands wavering defensively over his midsection.

"If only there was something you could say to make me stop," I sigh, throwing a sorrowful glance to the ceiling. In reply I receive his best attempt at a scowl (which, since he's still grinning like an idiot, isn't a very convincing attempt).

Gus is so sensitive - both physically and emotionally - that I'd never dare touch him if we didn't have a safeword. But I've never in our entire friendship heard him use it. This boy soaks up physical affection like a ticklish little sponge.

And right now, in my expert opinion, he could use a little more of it.

I can't help but coo over the way his tummy deflates in anticipation as I hover one hand over his waist. All I have to do is rest my fingertips against the soft fabric of his sweater, and he collapses into helpless giggles.

It occurs to me, I don't think I've mentioned Gus' accent yet either. It's little more than a slight lilt most of the time, but when he's flustered like this becomes much more pronounced.

I'm not quite sure what it's supposed to be, exactly - technically it's Drearish, the regional dialect from the fictional village where he grew up. Whoever directed the movie he came from seemed to be going for some vague German-Slavic-Transylvanian hodgepodge.

Regardless, it's cute as heck. Especially when he's so overwhelmed that he starts trying to curse me out in Drearish.

Not that he doesn't have a perfectly sufficient vocabulary of English curse words to throw at me...

"I svehehear to - shihit, fuck! - I vill breheak your FUHUCKING - heheheh! - your fingers!! Your... dammit, getoffme!!"

...But the trick is to sneak my hands under his sweater and start scribbling directly against the soft pudge of his lower tummy. That really does him in.

"What did you just call me?!"

"I saheheh-" [incomprehensible] "you fuhuckin'-" [unintelligible] "if you don't-" [...frankly this could be English or Drearish, it's so garbled by laughter I can't tell].

"Sorry, didn't catch that," I tease.

He lapses into silent laughter for a few seconds. "Okay, okahahay, enough! Enough!"

Enough isn't our safeword (that would be nightshade) but it's kind of an informal one since he doesn't use it very often. It's become a code for I'm getting tired.

So I withdraw my hands from beneath his sweater, and start rubbing slow circles on his tummy. Even this still tickles him, but only enough to elicit soft little breathless chuckles. I'm mostly doing it because his tummy is just so irresistibly soft and warm... but also my hand is trapped so tightly beneath both his arms that I'm starting to lose feeling in my fingers.

Our cocoa has gone cold by the time we return to our mugs. Neither of us mind very much.

[safety-pin-punk]

(TW swearing just in case) Hi! I don't know if you care but I'll ask anyway:

I'm just starting to learn about what punk is and it sounds like an awesome community/scene. It's confusing though, as a lot of the things I've seen disagree about what punk is. I know (think?) the whole point of being punk is resisting authority and generally being your own person. I don't know how to do that even though I want to.

That probably makes me automatically not punk. Don't get me wrong, I believe in anti-authority, I just have no clue how to do any of that while still in school. I fucking hate being intimidated by authority constantly but I get panicked when I might get in trouble. My own mind is forcing me to be a fucking doormat. Can I get a bit of advice?

(Also, sorry for oversharing, you don't have to respond if I'm just being annoying)

What punk is can be VERY confusing if you are just starting to venture into the punk scene and youre learning from the internet. So don't worry, you aren't the only one whose ever struggled to figure that out. Honestly, the community as a whole cant agree on one single definition of what makes a punk. In this post, I've outlined the three separate aspects of punk. You might find it helpful :)

Getting into punk can certainly feel intimidating. The image people usually think of are leather clad troublemakers, but not all punks fit that image. Some punks work at the library and fight for community programs. Some punks go to protests all the time. Some punks are just struggling to finish their degree so they can survive in life (me a few years ago). My point is, not all punks look and act the same, there are pleanty of ways to be a punk.

That said, there are also different sub-categories of punks, such as crust punk, and solar punk.

Okay but moving onto the confidence thing, it takes practice. My suggestion to people is to start off with whats called 'little anarchies'. Take a pen that someone left. Give some food to someone who needs it. Research a 'punk' topic that interests you. Show support for a cause, even if its just wearing a pin. Eventually, when you're ready, you can work up to bigger 'anarchies' such as organizing a group of people for a project, volunteering at a soup kitchen, starting a community garden/library, putting up flyers for that cause you care about. And eventually, once you use your 'anarchy' muscles enough, you'll be able to do the BIG 'anarchies' when you need to. Like going to protests or even simply being able to defend yourself and your beliefs.

[star-fandoms]

The demons took hold of me again

The "demons" being Sally Face... SIGH!! I was OBSESSED with this game in late middle school early high school, and now I'm back baby. Crazy what seeing fanart will do. ANYWAYS!! time to introduce my babeyyyyy

Here are "refs" cause i know these don't exactly count, but eh, i dont like drawing feet/shoes! ANYWAYS!! Slight Sal redesign, I'll probably end up putting him in whatever emo ass fit honestly. Anyways I love cute fashion sooooo obvs had to make my girl cute asf. It's kind of a gap moe moment with her cause my girl has seen the horrors(like literally ANY other of my ocs honestly)

QUICK NOTE ON SAL'S REDESIGN!! The original design is fine, I'm not "fixing" the design or anything, it was simply for fun, I wanted to see him in more emo fashion and thought it fit and looked good! The necklace he's wearing is actually a locket! I can see him having a little picture of all his friends close to his heart(SOBBING ONE SEC) I might also put Sal in gothic and scene outfits eventually as well, I actually thought about giving him scene coontails on the two little front sections!

TRANSCRIPT

Not a super organized outfit, but they don't care, they like their outfit

Emo ass outfits

Prob graphic design tee, I just didn't want to draw it.

Literally will never grow again, wears platforms tho(Note: With platforms on, she's 5'3)

More organized fashion, honestly wears a lot of different styles(Note: usually seen in cute, comfy clothes, but also can wear emo outfits, clowncore, really anything honestly, she likes a lot of different styles!)

Her name is Jellie, not really, but she doesn't really remember her name. The gang picked it out for her(in which they simply asked her what she likes and she said "jellyfish" and they went "okay, Jellie for short" and she's sported the name since) She doesn't live in Addison apartments, but she lives close by enough to walk and occasionally would sleep in Larry's treehouse when she got kicked out(which eventually they offer her a place to stay when that happens)

She's known of Sal since the first day of school for him after moving, and the rest of the cast(Larry, Todd, Ashley, and Travis(and some other Sally Face oc's of mine that are still in the works)) for even longer, however she never had the courage to really talk to them. She doesn't know how to make friends or talk to people and instantly assumes that she'll just be a burden and annoy them and that they'll all hate her. She's also a stickler for rules and is horrified of being late or doing anything to get in trouble, she states that "she'll never get to college and that the teachers will tell her to kill herself" if she's late for even a minute. She's usually pretty stoic or straight up freaking out and muttering self deprecating thoughts.

TW: SELF HARM SCARS!! (not realistic)GORE!!

HERES SOME EXTRA INFO ABOUT JELLIE!!(based off of the doodles)

She cuts, a LOT!! She literally hates herself so much and does a lot of harmful things to her body. She just goes in when she cuts, she doesn't think about placement or how deep she goes, as long as she bleeds and feels pain(please don't cut and get help in you can if you struggle with suicidal thoughts)

She really REALLY like horror and doesn't react much when she watches scary stuff. Not that it existed at the time, but she could handle those 50/50 challenges EASILY!! Girl watches a lot of true crime and goes digging for shit, she straight up just looks up images of dead people(she realizes how fucked up this is in the future)

Literally awful at smiling, you can TELL she has not smiled in a bit. She could be genuinely happy and still would not be able to smile normally. It also hurts her because she doesn't use her face muscles often(hardly spoke for years, only eats dinner, doesn't smile) It is something that gets better in the future, but the cries whenever she laughs!

The way she stares at people creeps them out, she's often bullied for it(amongst a shit ton of other things) She does NOT realize she does this or that it's creepy, she continues to do this even in the future LOL!! Also she's not mad, this is just how she stares at people

If she gets forced to live another life, she wants to be reborn as a Jellyfish. She really, REALLY loves the ocean and aquatic animals!

She has hallucinations and visions(like how Sal has visions) however, she cannot tell the difference between the two. It's easy to tell from an outside perspective when she has visions though because she gets nosebleeds every time and occasionally passes out(the passing out gets worse the older she gets and the more frequent the visions become) She refuses to tell her friends though because she's so happy she finally has friends and is worried that they will be weirded out by them

Finally! Just some art i did of 16 year old Sal and Jellie, it took forever and my hand and wrist are sore(i've just been drawing and writing nonstop for the past week anyways so oh well LOL, the carpal tunnel bouta go CRAZY! Cant wait to get another ganglion cyst) but it was worth it, they are worth it. Anyways! The scenario was that Jellie was hiding from her bullies(idk some random ass background ocs i made for SF) however Sal wasn't expecting Jellie to hide behind him, much less wrap her arms around him. Erm ^^ they cute or whatever

[loveanaox]

TxT Personality Off Camera

(If anyone has any request lemme knowww, cause I'm out of ideas🥲)

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Soobin

Cards pulled out: queen of wands, the empress, seven of cups and the fool

So even off camera he is helpful, he helps others, he's confident organizing a lot, a little hot tempered at times, but still quiet, not shy quiet more like confident and still quiet, he watches what to say and not to say. Ja and he does a lot off camera, accomplishing his stuff ect ect.

Ja very nurturing, creative, harmonious.

I think he has a lot of options and shit bit off camera even though he does a lot he procrastinates a lot and a little lazy, tbh I don't blame him, he takes on so many responsibilities he should give himself a break. He also is a little careless off camera, not in a bad way, but super sweet, calm and innocent energy, chill innocent energy

But overall he seems the same just a little more relaxed and chilling.

Love him.

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Yeonjun

Cards pulled out: ace of wands, seven of pentacles, eight of swords and the fool card

Okay so tbh I feel like off camera he still is spontaneous and has his creative spark and likes a challenge, but then he stops himself and really thinks about it and is like, "is this a good idea?" He doubts himself a lot, he feels trapped a lot too. I'm guessing mostly because he's an idol and if he's caught outside doing normal things he might get into trouble. But in general off camera his doubts and fears come to him, shame mann🥺. But off camera he still is careless like Soobin, cuteee.

Anyways yarrr

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Beomgyu

Cards pulled out: ace of swords reversed, four of pentacles, eight of cups reversed, seven of wands, two of swords reversed.

Okay damn beomgyu-

So uh, he gets into a lot of arguments off camera maybe with members, he gets frustrated a lot, he also gets his creative side blocked away, he has a lack of emotional maturity and he's very stingy, he holds onto people, things, money, ect ect.

He has a fear of commitment and a fear of moving on. I don't know why though, probably because of the past. Very ja hot headed but also detached at the same time and cold.

Very indecisive and lots of anxiety and fears that get to him. But he's holding onto it, he doesn't want to move away from it. But he still stands up for himself and his beliefs, very like controlling on a way.

Damn okay he has issues, but ay we have to have hope it will get better.

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Taehyun

Cards pulled out: nine of pentacles, knight of cups reversed, ace of cups and the devil.

Oh damn.

So Taehyun is still independent off camera and whatever whatever, but he's a heartbreaker-, I think he has a lot of one night stands off camera. I think he tricks people tbh, like "hey you're cute I wanna date", but onky gets in bed with them. That's sad lmao.

He has a lot of issues with addictions maybe obsession on something. Him and Beomgyu seem a little similar ngl. Anyways he gives me a little bit of sad, drunk, dad vibes. A little violent ngl. Abusive in idk what way but ja. Thats just sad. Really sad. Idk

Damn.

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Huening Kai

Cards pulled out:page of pentacles reversed, ten of cups reversed, knight of swords and four of cups.

Okay so his head isn't in the head place. He's a little foolish and rebellious in some type of way idk what way. He doesn't take advantage of good opportunities given to him. A little irresponsible. He's having a lot of family issues he's keeping a secret. He acts talkative and shit. Still rebellious and curious but not.

But he's not okay, he's depressed, but ja, that's sad. Idk probs cause of family issues and that he isn't looking at a situation in all types of ways and not his negative way. But ja shame man.

Aye his head really isn't in the right space and he's also trynna be a perfectionist

Damn these are depressing.

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Hope you all enjoyed reading those, I didn't 🥲😭. Anyways byeeeee

[fangirl-erdariel]

If you were given the job of 'showrunner of a show about Faramir' what would you do?

Oh that's a fascinating question, thank you! I will freely admit that I don't necessarily consider myself the most knowledgeable person about Faramir or the best at writing him even in my immediate fandom circle, so this is unlikely to be anything particularly groundbreaking or interesting, but I'll give it a shot

I think, since you've not given me specific limitations on when in the timeline this will be set, and that I would go for a show that focuses on Faramir in the months leading up to Boromir leaving for Rivendell, ending with that event. Not that a show about him in the times after the War of the Ring wouldn't be fascinating, but I don't think it's something I'd be very good at writing. And I'm not necessarily interested in following the story through the events of LOTR, either. So, like I said, following Faramir in the times leading up to the event that basically ties him and Boromir so tightly into the events of the story.

Wouldn't be a very long show, obviously, with that sort of time frame, but I'm a firm believer in deciding on the limits of the story you want to tell and narrowing it down to something you can manage, before starting to tell it. (Let's ignore the fact that I don't actually do that irl when I write fanfic, I just sit down and write and see what happens; the imaginary me who is a showrunner of a tv show is obviously more organized than the real life me anyway.) Not everything needs to be ten seasons long. And you could still get a full-length season or two out of even that premise, I think.

I would probably go for a somewhat episodic problem-of-the-week format, but with some overarching themes and plotlines developing across the whole show. I can't off the top of my head give you a list of episodes or their synopsis (how do you pluralize that? synopsis? synopses? synopsises? why is English so difficult), but, you know, most episodes probably focusing on the various troubles of leading the soldiers in Ithilien, one episode focused on the planning of an attack on an enemy troop that will be moving through, another of "how the f*ck has the enemy been managing to constantly mess with our supply lines that we thought were secure and how do we stop them from doing that", maybe one of the classic "there's a spy among our midst but who is it??" plot, one where Faramir has to handle a bunch of young inexperienced soldiers who are either uncertain or too reckless and eager to pursue glory and probably going to get either themselves or other people killed if he can't get them to get their act together. And so on and so forth, I'm sure you get the gist. Probably mix it up sometimes and have some episodes set in Minas Tirith, maybe a couple bringing Faramir on some errand to more southern parts of Gondor, too. Ithilien episodes would probably have elements of military drama, Minas Tirith episodes elements of political drama.

I think the second-to-last episode of the show would have the first time Faramir has the dream that'll send Boromir to Gondor, and would have the attack on Osgiliath and that whole thing. And the absolute last episode would be just focused on the dream and what to do about it, and would see Boromir leaving on his journey.

I think one thing I'd explore a lot would be the differing ways that other characters see him. Both in terms of the relationships with his family, the way that he is a beloved little brother to Boromir but always the less capable and worthy in Denethor's eyes, but also in terms of outside that family circle. Like, we see in the books that he is adored by the people, and that he is greatly respected by the soldiers under his command, he is a captain they are glad to follow, a skilled leader who is able to keep troops from panicking and retain good order even in difficult, chaotic situations.

And then, going off of that, how does all that compare to the way Faramir sees himself? How does the place he is appointed by those around him fit, or not fit, what he himself would want to be, if he could choose? Even people who love or admire you can still view you in ways that aren't entirely true, or treat you in a way or put you in situations that you find constraining or poorly fit for you, and I think playing with that with Faramir could be interesting. I think I might go for making one of the conflicts carried through the show be that while Boromir loves Faramir, he doesn't always quite treat him as a responsible adult and an equal, but a little brother to be protected and watched over and helped, and for all that Faramir also loves Boromir, it's still frustrating. And though Boromir does insist on being the one to make the journey to Rivendell because he's older and stronger and doesn't like the idea of Faramir going off alone on a long journey to the unknown, it is still in some ways also an admission on his part that he trusts Faramir to be responsible and clever and capable enough to be in charge of the lives of soldiers and of various duties Boromir has that will fall on Faramir in his absence, without Boromir's constant oversight and being always somewhere near enough to come to his aid.

Besides that, I think I would like to incorporate hope and despair as one central theme, seeing as it's also so very central to LOTR. Also, this isn't anything about deep themes or being clever or whatever, it's really just self-indulgence, but I think I'd like to incorporate songs and poetry the characters actually sing and recite into the story. Just, like, whatever, military marches, funeral laments, narrative stuff sung to pass the time, people competing on who can most accurately memorize some tricky poem just for the hell of it, all that. Like, Middle-Earth just has music so intrinsically bound into the stories and it's an aspect of the books I really love, but so few adaptations incorporate it much at all! (I am tooootally not jealous to my mom because she got to see the 1988/-89 LOTR play that actually included a bunch of the poems from the books set to music, totally not, why are you asking)

Also, can we cast Luke Pasqualino as Faramir? No particular reason except that I think he's pretty

Geez, that got long ':D Idk how much sense any of that makes, but, hey, thanks for giving me an excuse to ramble!!

Out of curiosity, if you were given the same job of being a showrunner for a show about Faramir, what would you do with it?

[hyperbali]

Hopefully this is the same blog and person. Anyways, it's Kolyat. I know it's been a really long time, and I wanted to apologize. I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and while it doesn't excuse my behaviour, it explains (some) of it. I was really close to the person I hurt the most, and it felt like my world shattered when they cut contact due to my actions towards another person. I didn't know what to do besides self imploding. I wanted them to understand how much I was hurting. I was a dumb, naive teenager. I didn't know what to do with those world-ending feeling emotions. I hurt a lot of people, and whilst I can't remember if I did anything towards you, I still wanted to apologize. You were an awesome person to RP with and I have fond memories of that. I know you probably don't care and I'm the last person you want to hear from, but I wanted to bury the hatchet and offer the sincerest of apologies. I won't be reaching out again or anything like that, it's been years and I was reminiscing about the past and decided it best to apologize so I can move forward. Again, I'm deeply sorry.

Ahhh... yeah, I remember.

If it's any help, nothing that you did to me was super devastating or anything - and it was 14 years ago at this point. I've had much worse done to me by people I knew in person, loved and trusted since, lol.

I think at most I got a little bothered that it felt like you were getting hostile with me in a way that didn't feel entirely RP-related, but at the time I'd just assigned it to the notion that I was playing a polarizing character and left it at that. I have, ah, more troubling memories regarding other players from that group anyway.

(Since you stayed on anon and I can't reply privately, I'll give people more context: this was a Mass Effect based Tumblr role-playing group that coordinated on... damn, I think MSN Messenger? We'd migrated for the most part from the Dragon Age group that had spawned Jeanne when the "main organizers" changed interests. I was playing Miranda Lawson. We'd been exploring the idea of Miranda/Thane in a slowburn kind of way, and I remember several people both in and out of character getting weirdly petty and aggressive about it for some reason)

Anyway: I'm glad you're coming to terms with things and putting old regrets to rest. If you need to let me be out of a sake of not reliving any of it or just moving on, that's fine, but please don't feel like you need to do so for my sake. I was a grown ass adult then and I continue to be so now, lol

[mamamittens]

Had the intrusive thoughts about an AU with Nikia as a marine

This is like, the Bad End AU at first cause I don't like unhappy endings lol

So, canonically for Nikia, her island suffered from trafficking problems until she was young and pirates took her home islands in under their flag and established the Rangers. Where she would usually grow up and eventually become an Elite Ranger, for her to become a marine those pirates never show up.

And by consequence, her mom never comes back.

So it's a few more tense years until Marines happen to realize that her home islands make for a fantastic vacation spot with good resources so they don't need a lot of trade. So her home gets put under marine protection with a base and everything.

It's kept kinda covert because being assigned there is basically a vacation. An easy, damn near luxurious assignment for nearly retired Marines and those that earned the temporary privilege. They don't want to worry about nobles or whatever coming in and ruining The Vibe, so on paper it's kinda just hand waved as "off in the sticks" but anytime trouble does come around it's swiftly taken care of because--well--have you ever had an overworked office worker on vacation and suddenly someone tries to drag them into More Work?

Oh it's absolute hell.

Anyway, this leads Nikia to eventually joining them and being trained by them. A few locals being Marines is great because the others are usually called back after their "reassignment" is over. But eventually she does need to do some touring elsewhere to round out her training.

In this AU her wings haven't grown stupid big (it's a metaphor lol, they're basically to her hips) and she's taken to an unusual fighting style. It's basically dance fighting with a blue scarf she ties around her waist. Her hair is given a sharp undercut/fade with the dark blue portion kept in a very short, angled bob and super curly. Still has glasses. Uniform a little altered with long, fingerless gloves and sneakers. She doesn't wear a hat.

Anyway, her fighting style consists of using her scarf to trap, move, or otherwise fuck with her opponents. Typically partly wrapped around her fists at the ends so she can hook around her opponent or their weapons to forcefully move them in range for a devastating blow. Has not learned sniping in this AU (yet). Has learned haki, but mostly relies on armament. Does not have conquerors.

So she does end up running into the Whitebeard Pirates. Specifically a contingent on a grocery run, so here's the meeting with Thatch!

It's a little skirmish, with Thatch not wanting to risk all there supplies he'd just gotten and the Marines not really wanting the Full Smoke but not being able to just pretend they didn't see anything.

Not sure what her rank is really, but she's not super high up or at the bottom.

Anyway, Thatch and his little crew basically go in to rough up the Marines, maybe sink them if they're assholes, enough to slip away basically.

And they're doing pretty good. Nikia's current crew isn't bad, but they're not ready to go toe to toe with a Yonko Commander. And it winds up being just a few left by the time Nikia gets up top from organizing some supplies. She knows who they are and realizes they're not winning this fight, but also that it's mostly for appearances. She specializes in "soft takedowns" with her fighting style and goes all in. A little shocked she can take several down before Thatch rolls up to save his brothers from the embarrassment of being taken out with fabric and nice legs.

Thatch is all smiles and flirts as he squares up, only to find that it's harder to fight her than expected. He's not going all out-- doesn't want to really --but still. She's pretty cute and he'd be lying if he said otherwise. Clearly also playing with him, which he finds hot but knows he shouldn't. Every time he tries to cut her, her scarf is there taking the hit but not getting cut itself. And then she ends up wrapping it around his back and pulling him in to high kick his face and he sees stars.

It's probably about here that he's like "Oh, I'm going to be so normal about this moment".

She's got her wings flared out, playfully glaring up at him over her glasses. Messy curls in her face and a cute, mischievous smirk. Leg up in the air with ease, uniform fitting in all the right places.

He's used to taking hits, so he's not totally thrown, but that little kick solidifies it for him.

If he doesn't take the crew hostage today, he's taking every opportunity he can to recruit her.

Undecided if he keeps playing with her until her commander surrenders or knocks her out.

Not even sure if this meeting is the one where he takes her with him.

But eventually she does wind up on the Moby Dick as a sorta casual prisoner.

Izou makes fun of Thatch endlessly while also trying to see what all the fuss is about. It takes a while for her to warm up to everyone and join, details pending lol, but with time it's revealed that her wings are still growing.

It's One Piece. Spontaneous growth is not that shocking.

And eventually she learns to fly (Thatch is super pouty that Marco takes her under his wing for it even though there's nothing Thatch can do to teach her). Officially a "Marine Traitor".

Maybe one day Whitebeard takes her home islands under his flag from the Marines after Marineford as a massive Fuck You, idk.

[aerkame]

HTTYD Concept II

Mm, I really liked my last post and my brain is still thinking (it never stops-). So, I'm just gonna continue writing about this concept that brain keeps adding onto. I was thinking of maybe making this long fic for it though I'm not sure people would read it since it doesn't take place in the usual timeline in HTTYD (so no Hiccup, the riders, the hunters, Dagur, Heather, etc, though I COULD have them referenced). BUT, I do want to write it with my own original characters. Maybe one of the hunters that runs the whole thing is a descendant of one of the most well known hunters of the series like Viggo, Ryker, Grimmel, or Drago. Or it could be every hunter honestly. I kinda like the idea that every single hunter in that organization is some descendant of a dragon hunter or from a bloodline of vikings that hated dragons throughout history. It's like a tradition for them that they take up. Some kill the dragons they catch, some keep them as pets (surprisingly, though they most likely will never be free again), and some train them to benefit better hunts or just to fight for entertainment (EX: Training dragons to fight other dragons). No matter the reasoning though, it seems like these hunters are picking up where their ancestor's left.

Since this is a fic as an idea right now, I'm thinking of making it an x reader for multiple characters or just picking one and making it an enemies to lovers thing because I am a sucker for enemies to lovers fics. It could be like a hunter x reader that's just trying to do the right thing and keep as many dragons safe as possible (accidentally pulling a Hiccup move) after finding out about them and growing to admire that they even exist. I mean, how would YOU react to finding out dragons are real? My heart would freaking stop and I'd faint from the overwhelming emotions, my goodness they better be safe and alive in that case-

Anyways, I could just imagine the absolute trouble reader could get into by meddling in things the reader shouldn't be getting into. The question is...how far are these modern hunters willing to go? Murder is illegal, so these guys probably have the money, numbers, organization, and the political power to just get away with whatever they want, a scary thought indeed. And to make it worse, the reader isn't Hiccup, they don't have a dragon at their side to help if things go wrong. Though, that doesn't mean a dragon might not be smart enough to realize that a human is helping them. Some dragons are clearly intelligent enough to understand that as seen in the movies and shows so it isn't entirely impossible that the reader could get some backup from a wild dragon or two if they play their cards right.

The only problem left would be keeping their identity and personal life safe. They'd have to deal with a lot on their plate, dealing with something they don't really understand and the reader may end up dead if they aren't careful. But whose to say if the reader even goes through the idea of saving as many dragons as possible? The reader is only one person, but maybe, just maybe, saving at least one or a few dragons and allowing them to stay at the reader's house is enough...plus they could finally put that empty field to use and get a stable built (one that can hopefully withstand the weight of a few dragons). But that would only lead to more trouble wouldn't it? In the modern day, I don't think dragon hunters would let one dragon go. Not a single one.

Maybe the reader took an extremely important egg or dragon species that they want back, maybe the reader has embarrassed their leader or co-leader greatly and he wants revenge, or maybe both? Whatever the reason is, they're coming once they figure things out.

[purposefully-lost]

There was only a bare sliver of pink peeking over the horizon by the time he was unlocking the front door. It took him a moment to do so; he'd found the key to his own home, first, then swore to himself as he remembered he needed his dad's. He swore again when he remembered that on colder mornings the door needed a slight shove to open up, and forced his way into the living room a little harder than he'd intended. There was a stumble to his step as he moved inside, though it was as equally from exhaustion as it was from anything he'd had to drink only hours before. He tried to close the door behind him a little more softly only to turn around and realize the damage had already been done.

A young woman, her dark hair in a frizzy halo around her head, peered sleepily at him from the couch. A blanket was pulled around her shoulders, and she gave him a surprised look before it softened into something more sympathetic. Charlie flashed a brief, awkward smile at her. "Hey," he greeted quietly.

"Hey," Jackie answered, sitting up a little more to look him over. Her voice was thick and tired and he wasn't quite sure if he'd actually woken her or not. Of everyone, he might've expected someone who'd barely known Chris to get the best sleep tonight, but maybe he'd assumed wrong. Maybe she'd stayed up, worried about Drew. Maybe she was the kind of person who just had trouble sleeping away from home. Maybe she'd only barely known Chris, but she'd liked him anyway. A lot of people had felt that way about him, from what he'd heard. Charlie lingered in place for a moment, feeling awkward, then finally decided to just head past her. She broke the quiet as he did. "Uh, I think... Drew had been trying to call you. Did you talk to him?"

Charlie paused to look back at her, then gave her a halfway shrug. "I don't think so. My phone's been off."

"Oh." He couldn't read the expression that passed over her face. Pity was what it felt like. "Well, I think he's upstairs. If you wanna see him."

He only hummed in response, giving her that smile one more time before he started for the stairs. He didn't really want to talk, but his own bedroom was up there, and he figured Drew would track him down anyway. He might as well get it over with. He didn't have to guess to know he was going to be found in Chris' old room.

He'd taken his bed with him when they'd moved out. And his desk, and the vast majority of the rest of the shit he'd been accumulating for the twenty four years before he'd left. There was only the shit stuffed into the closet and still stuck to the walls, all of it now laid out across the ground when Charlie eased open the door. He leaned against the doorframe and frowned when he found Drew sitting criss-cross on the ground, staring at the mess of forgotten clothing and old keepsakes around him. "The hell are you doin' in here?" He asked. Drew looked up sharply.

"Goin' through Chris' shit. What does it look like?" He asked. Charlie shrugged.

"Don't you think maybe dad'll wanna be the one who goes through it?"

"He still will. But I thought I'd.."

Drew trailed off and seemed to take in the mess that was around him. To just be what'd been left behind, abandoned in a closet, it sure looked like a lot of clutter. Charlie watched him deflate, then lean back on a palm, the weight of the past few days seeming to visibly settle on his shoulders. He'd taken up a lot of the organizing, in lieu of their dad being able to. Charlie didn't envy him for it. They watched each other for a moment, saliva gathering thick in Charlie's mouth and a twist taking to his stomach, but Drew finally broke the quiet. "I didn't see you at the funeral."

Charlie's frowned deepened. "I- I was there. For a minute."

"You could've stayed for the service. Said something."

"There were too many people."

"Isn't that a good thing? For a funeral?"

It'd been a real question, but Charlie couldn't help it if his lips twitched into a small smile. Tired, but genuine. He saw it reflected on Drew's face and shrugged again. "I dunno. Maybe. People liked Chris."

Drew hummed an agreement. It was true, they always had. It'd almost been like someone, at some time, had taken him and prepped him for the life he was going to live, for being a mechanic and a big brother and firstborn son. Being the world's best friend had been his strong suit. Being their brother was maybe the most important thing he'd ever done. Charlie supposed there were worse things to be remembered by. He reached up to push a lock of hair out of his face, giving it a small, impulsive tug as he did so. Then he crossed his arms in an attempt at keeping himself from doing it again. "So why are you and Jackie sleepin' downstairs?"

"Nana's staying the night. She's got my bed," Drew answered simply. "And Jasmine's got yours, since you weren't here last night."

"Jazz came?"

"She'll probably be leaving soon. ..You gonna stick around 'til then?"

Charlie hesitated, then nodded. He hadn't seen Jazz in years. Not since they'd been kids and their uncle had lived closer by. It was a hell of a drive or a flight one to get all the way out here, and saying hello didn't sound too bad. He shouldn't've been driving anyway. "Probably. Do you, uh.." He looked over at the shit that was spread around the room. Old books, an old gaming system, an old bookbag that'd been carried through a year or two of high school. Old photos and old albums. Not old, really, but they felt that way now that he was gone. "You want help with all this shit?"

Drew sighed, then nodded. "Yeah. Please."

Charlie gave him a tight smile. Then he pushed himself off the wall and stepped carefully over a haphazard pile of Magic cards that looked like they hadn't seen the light of day since Chris' senior year. He sat himself down next to Drew and looked out at the collection they had to work through. "So," he started, reaching out to pick up one of the cards and peer idly at the artwork on the front. "Where d'you wanna start?"

[phoenix-positivity]

29 may 2024

Yesterday was my 8 year anniversary of going no contact with my abuser and physically escaping him. (I don't remember the date for when the stalking stopped but that was about 4 years later.. I should look it up sometime)

I discovered that it's also the date that the kpop group I'm going to see in concert debuted 5 years ago. I like that those dates match. I have a weird thing for dates sometimes. I'm so excited for the concert. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. I think it was probably summer last year during vacation, visiting Europapark and a bear rescue park. (I get pretty excited about roller coasters, and I get even more excited about bears)

The concert is getting really close. I'm not done with all I wanted to prepare for it yet, but I still have some time. I'm really busy with it.

Tomorrow I have what will likely be my last EMDR apointment (if all goes well). How great of a coincidence would it have been if that appointment had been yesterday. The last EMDR processing also ending on 28th may. It's close enough. And it's close enough in date I still feel the symbolism. The question being: Will this be the last May where I have to be triggered by the seasonal effects? We can only wait for next year to discover this. I'm dreading EMDR tomorrow but I can handle it I'm sure. I've done so much worse than this.

I'm taking very good care of myself. The concert is giving me a lot of motivation to look after myself. I've been doing a skin care routine, I've cooked healthy meals for myself for a week. (This is pretty big, it had been very very long since I cooked something instead of heating up meals) To be honest I was also fed up by eating the same 5 meal options back to back. But I actually seem to have energy to prepare the meals. My PTSD symptoms are barely there anymore. I only have them if I get triggered by like pretty strong triggers. I haven't dissociated as much either, only with triggers.

There's been some changes at my work which probably help a lot in me feeling better and having more energy left. I'm able to do my job better due to this as well. I'm working less hours and I have less responsibility. This will be challenged the upcoming three weeks as I will be getting a a lot more responsibility again due to people being on vacation/sick. But I'll just do what I can and if I can't solve it I wont make it my problem. I'm not being paid for that and it's not my job to take on that role. It's only three weeks anyway.

The fact that yesterday during a pretty important date I felt like it wasn't that important of a day also is telling. The fact I felt it was a regular day like any other shows me I'm moving on and giving less importance to the abuse I went through. It no longer brings on the same intense feelings. It's starting to actually stay in the past now. It's starting to really become just like a memory that I don't have to stay stuck in. This must really be what healing from PTSD feels like. Finally being able to let go and not have it intrude into my life as much if at all. I can describe it as it becoming more fuzzy, faded out, muddied, blurred, more distanced. It's no longer crisp, fresh, crystal clear, intense, in your face. EMDR is like a magic eraser in that sense.

My therapy is coming to a close soon. My therapist told me to apply for assistance at home because I do have trouble with my housekeeping. I put in effort whenever I'm able to. The next chapter will be to focus on working with that organization to properly orchestrate my life at home. I have no clue how this will play out but we will see. My therapist has suggested it to me many times before (not pushy, just bringing it up as an option) and I finally agreed it would probably be good for me. They are supposed to specialize in autism as well so we will see.

[pbandjesse]

I am real real tired this evening. But I'm also in a pretty good mood. And apparently the northern lights might be visible tonight??? It will probably be to cloudy for us to a really see anything but just that it could happen is so interesting.

Today was a hard work day. Very hard work. I did not expect to be in the rain and mud as much as I was. Honestly it was nice to be so active. I didn't feel bored until the end of the day. Mainly I was having a good time.

I slept pretty well too. When I woke up I was happy and James was there and things were good.

We are pretty sure bread is making my stomach hurt. So I'm trying to limit that. James made me just eggs for breakfast and a baked potato for lunch. Which I ended up not eating anyway because they ordered us pizza. But I did try! I need to try harder to limit bread if this pain is going to keep happening.

I would get dressed and was ready to be outside. I wore my new rain boots which were excellent. And I think I did a pretty good job picking out the outfit for the work.

I would leave here after saying goodbye to James. And it was a fine drive in to camp. It wasn't raining when I left but started soon after. James would only get a little drizzled on. But it was actually raining by the time I got to camp.

When I got there I checked in with Heather by text. I would be alone at camp for an hour or so. I would drop off the mixers I picked up yesterday and then worked on setting up my tent. The feild was already muddy and would only get worse. But it was fine. My boots protected me.

I didnt wear my rain coat for a few hours though. It was just drizzling and I didn't mind being a little damp. But it would get worse.

I felt like I was go go go for like 5 hours. After my tent was set up I would go to the Alaskan to find the other tent. Which ended up being a little broken. Frustrating but I tried my best to make it work. I couldn't get it all the way set up and I was really mad but I wasn't able to do it alone. Sarah, her dad Steve, and Dachelle would come help me later on. The broken part made the canopy fill with water which of course spilled on me. Terrible. I was trying very hard to not be sad.

I would be okay though and would head to the office to dry off and get a sit break while I created an Instagram post for the vendor market and compose the last email I would send to everyone. Which I think went well. I had to do some trouble shooting with Heather's computer because the zip file was only downloading to her drive and not her computer?? So weird but we handled it.

I would go back out to move tables. Using my wagon. Which is very silly but I moved 4 of the 14 tables by myself!! It was raining a lot harder now. And was not fun to be out in.

I would have to go and switch out my table for a smaller one because the rain was dripping on the longer table and I didn't want to deal with that so I went and grabbed the folding table I have in the art building. And while it's smaller I think it works just fine.

I didn't set up all of my stuff. But I have a better handle on it and it'll be quick in the morning. It's not supposed to rain tomorrow so hopefully it will be a non-issue. I really really hope that is the case. It's going to be a 12 hour day and emotionally I don't know if I can deal with that and the rain. Don't even mention wind! I just need tomorrow to go smoothly.

We had talked about merch for the puhtok table so I went back to the Alaskans (I would go up like 6 different times today) and found the box of mugs, fanny packs, backpacks, and ponchos. And I think they will sell really well. I would count out everything for Heather so we can keep track and I made a nice little poster so it'll be easy to buy things. I am excited to see it all come together.

I made my way to the lodge to drop off some small trash cans and ran into one of the friends of Puhtok (called FOP) (one of the volunteer organizations that helps with events and fundraising) who was unloading stuff. I offered to help but then realized that this stuff was for sure for the trading post. So after calling Alexi to double check we moved everything up there and that lead to me helping Heather direct traffic as some of our food trucks showed up and the beer truck. And it was a flurry of activity. I did my best to help with FOP and making decisions but I also felt a little. Unsure about everything. It's hard when everyone has an idea about how things should go. I tried to be like "hey this is how I think we should do this" but you know. Can't always be my ideas. Not that I want it to be.

But I always feel heard with Heather and that is nice.

I would make a few more drives to the Alaskan for basement stuff. And then they ordered us pizza. I was thrilled. I should have just had one piece but I didn't listen to my body and my stomach hurts again. I tried to sip water and just be alright. I would do some more computer tasks. And after a little break I would go to the lodge to clean coolers.

I was a little overwhelmed by the list of things that need to be done before the festival opens at noon. Volunteers are arriving at 930 so I am hoping it just comes together and is seamless. I had set up the square readers for credit cards. And things seems to be going really well with those. I just hope we can continue that trend.

I would clean 10 coolers. My hands were really dried out from the sanitizer that we have. And my fingers were already cracked in spots so it was kind of painful. Still is. I have been trying very hard to take care of my cuticles but I still have issues. My poor thumb is a disaster right now and very painful. I'm going to end up with bandaids on all my fingers again I swear.

I would check in at the office before I left. Chatted with Lou. Made sure there was nothing else they needed from me specifically and went over the plan for the morning with Heather. And then I was off.

I was covered in mud. So tired. And so ready to go home.

The drive home was tough but mostly because there was just tomfoolery on the road. Including a cop car just getting smashed in the intersection I have to take to go home. I would figure out a solution and only added a couple minutes to my drive.

When I got back here, after hugging Sweetp, I went and took a shower. I put on comfy clothes. And when I came downstairs James was just getting home. And made a big fuss about how pretty I was. And would go get changed.

We would talk about the market tomorrow. I needed a way to display my pins and James would lend me a baseball flag. And with that solved we would get on the couch to hang out. I played my video game. They edited their podcast. It was a really nice evening.

Eventually my head started to hurt from playing the game. And I would pass it over to James to play for a little. And now I am upstairs. James is checking on the clouds to see if we can see any of the northern lights. But I don't have high hopes well actually see anything. That is okay. I just like that it is happening. It's neat.

Tomorrow is the Monkton Music Festival! I really hope it is a good day. I don't even really care about my sales, I just want everyone else to do well. And I hope we get a lot of walk ups so that camp can raise more money.

So wish us luck. I love you all. Goodnight!

[mcalhenwrites]

I'm low on spoons right now and mostly just want to play Coral Island (doesn't hurt that it's fun), but I did get more editing done today. I managed to edit three chapters of Geckos, Automata. I'm very excited about seeing a physical copy in my hands in a few weeks! I got emotional while editing one of the early chapters and almost cried. The only reason I didn't cry is that I have trouble producing tears. Been that way for a while, but I'm realizing now... yeah that might be Sjogren's. I'll finally get to ask for testing for Sjogren's on the 15th when I go in for my appointment. Hopefully I like this pcp or I'll have change out. I needed to find a new one before I moved anyway, because my old one retired. (The one I had after that, I had an appointment months later to see her for the first time, and I ended up moving so I had to cancel it.) ("You wait too long for healthcare in countries with universal healthcare!" Wahhh have you been to the fucking US??? I waited in the ER to see someone for hours, and then they ended up admitting me to make sure I didn't fucking die. It took years to get a fibro diagnosis. Meanwhile, my Canadian friend told me they went from going in about a headache to diagnosis to surgery on a tumor within six weeks' time.) Anyway, I am afraid I do have Sjogren's. I don't really want to have the autoimmune disease that dries out my skin and eyes and mouth and also sometimes does that to vital organs that keep me alive. But I also have nearly all the fucking symptoms, and it turns out the sun exposure rashes I get might also be related to it. And it's often comorbid with fibromyalgia, which I already have a diagnosis for. I'm a little scared but I need answers. Anyway, until then, I drink lots of water and do lots of editing. It'd be nice to cry though, because I think Geckos is kind of a beautiful story at times, even with its fun chapter titles. Oh! I did rename one of the chapters from "Ghosts Live Out East" to "Uninvited Traveling Ghost Hunter" - sounded a little sillier. The next chapter is called "The Dead [Hopefully] Don't Pose Much Risk", which is actually a reference to the original story that Mortimer, Julian, and Simone are from. (And I took the necromancy from that story and put it in this one, along with a few other worldbuilding elements.) I'm excited that there are a handful of people interested in reading it. I've worked hard on it, and the story - like all my others - holds a special place in my heart. Agatha does. I hope everyone loves her. I hope this is the kind of story people love and recommend to others, haha. That'd be so cool?! But also, I just want to HOLD A PHYSICAL COPY I might do a giveaway if it sells a certain amount. I feel like it's too ambitious though.

[jamiebluewind]

@couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name

While that is sweet and all, field dressing is a LITTLE more macabre.

(Warning: I'll TRY not to get too graphic, but it's still hunting practices, animal death, and processing meat, so continue at your own risk)

Field dressing means to remove all an animal's internal organs and is usually required in most states when you kill big or small game. It's done ASAP so that the meat cools quickly (preventing bacteria growth). There's also the fact that when something dies, their gut biome DOESN'T. So the longer the guts stay in, the more likely it is that the meat will be ruined. The law about field dressing and harvesting the meat has multiple reasons behind it.

One, it makes the body easier to move because it's a LOT lighter.

Two, it keeps people from being wasteful by leaving meat that humans can consume behind. People who kill for trophies (or just cuz) still have to field dress the animal and can then give the meat away or (in some states) donate it.

Three, it cuts back on people decimating populations for fun or trophies. Field dressing an animal, getting it back, and either donating it, giving it away, or going through the muti step process to have the meat for your own use is a LOT of work. It makes you stop and think if the animal is worth the trouble.

Four, if you're getting meat anyway and you're following regulations on limits based on sex (depending on the local population of a species that is often hunted for a feature one sex has that is considered a trophy), you're less likely to exclusively hunt larger, tougher animals of one sex in prime breeding condition, so the population is more stable and balanced (also helps with overpopulation of species that might eat all the food and leave nothing for the others).

Five, it makes people hunt responsibly. If you drop an animal (dies where it stands), it's a quick death and its literally right there. If you're bad at it or half ass it, the animal could run off. That could mean literal HOURS searching and trailing and even THEN, you might never find it. There's also the possibility of injuring the animal and them surviving with the consequences of that injury or dying much later because of it. A lot of people if they were allowed to would just shrug and walk away because they didn't want to bother spending time tracking it.

There are special rules for things like invasive species (one species back from where I was from had no limit and no requirement of field dressing or saving meat because they were taking all the resources of native species and putting them at risk), but all the rules are there for a reason and Game and Fish/Department of Wildlife don't fuck around. If they did, the local population could get so messed up that it would take DECADES to recover (if it ever did).

That musher was unlucky because they VERY PUBLICLY killed a big game animal. If the agency just let them keep going WITHOUT following the regulations, it would have sent a bad message to everybody watching and reading about it. Same thing goes for fining the musher after. As it stands, the agency message is clear: no we really don't give a fuck how good your excuse is, you will still get in a load of trouble if you break regulations.

I love this place