#but i don’t think ill get it back
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#i lost my beloved url#i’m so heartbroken#i dunno if tumblr nuked it#but i don’t think ill get it back#cuz it was just a saved url#😞
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Do you think Dick is Kory’s primary medical… assistant (??) as in he is the one who gives her her vaccine shots and get blood samples? Because of her Trauma of being test subject she canonically hates anything that reminds her of labs and such but she still need a medical record? She can’t be just immune to everything on earth and even if so there is a whole space out there (i assume she could be allergic to something at least), my point is she still need some kind of medical records with whatever information she is willing to give and what the team could learn from other Tamarians physiology, and I assume its Dick who is being her assigned medical assistant (doing the needle work, doing her X -rays and screening etc at least being in the same room or on the microphone maybe hold her hand in dental appointments lol) like she probably have PTSD about being experimented on and i assume Dick didn’t just think they can avoid hospitals and medical care forever lol
Yk, Part of how Dick also helped Kory and it wasn’t just one way thing
#Sorry i don’t know what the word is for it so i called him medical assistant??#he wouldn’t be caregiver because im not talking about only when she is ill#im talking about how he helps with her whole medical anxiety and potential PTSD#She can flip a truck but wouldn’t get near any needle#she can fight swords because mentally she is aware she can fight back but in a lab she is probably drugged#and can’t move to fight and that’s what terrifies her i think#just thinking of soft Dick doing full research with all his scientific knowledge to insure this is their best option#and explaining what they are going to do exactly step by step so she be less anxious#you get where im going with this#soft day afterwards!! Kory take care of him but he also take care of her 💕#i love mutuality in relationship#koriande’r#kory anders#Dick Grayson#Nightwing#Titans#My dickkory hc/ things i wanna see for them
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the way the broom closet and the infinite hole being nearly parallels to the other in that they are both areas of the game that stanley has immense attachment to but the narrator doesn’t understand why and makes an entirely huge fuss about his confusion for the affection towards these areas. I think what makes the infinite hole just as funny is the fact that despite succeeding in making a new game feature that stanley seems to really enjoy, he’s so much more focused on the fact that stanley is enjoying it the “wrong” way. aspects of the game that go hand in hand with the bucket.
#the stanley parable#the stanley parable ultra deluxe#YEAH ILL MAINTAG IT LOL#anyway. I find it interesting that the narrator has a specific way set in his head that stanley/the player-#-is meant to interact with the game. and when they don’t interact in the way that he expects them to#-he gets pretty heated or overal frustrated#which his reactions are the best best but it’s just interesting to think about#how the bucket the broom closet AND the infinite hole have this same issue#but also the general overall stance of the game and how we going about leading stanley around#it’s interesting!! it’s fun to examine!!#play my game right and you���ll be rewarded. play my game wrong and I’ll explode you to pieces#I just think it’s fun that every aspect of the game comes back to this singular conclusion!#no matter what. it’s always about choice. good good shit
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hi guys i was in an accident and had to be in the hospital for a while but im home now
#stressful bday month but we r back hello#had to get some meds out of my system but im alright now#my surgeries went well and physically my injuries r like a bad bike accident but ye nothing bad my face is fine now too mostly#got bumped to the side and broke my face and arm#something w my hip but it healed itself didnt break or smn#school on pause dont have to go so ill have time to relax anyway#reblogged some stuff in the hospital too which is funny bc i don’t remember when or that i did it after the accident but i remember#actually doing it#hopefully i can put this whole experience behind me now#i have some therapy recommended but thats understandable#it was worse than what im describing rn but i dont remember anyway it was just rough as a whole#my memories sorrounding it r vague and little but thats normal#acute stress phase but i think we avoided it becoming ptsd#i survived and thats what matters#shout out to the doctors that saved me#mostly from drowning in blood
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Just some fish
#my art#traditional art#fish#fish art#the names of these fish in particular order are#giant gourami#and#gourami#just like#a regular one#Maybe Ill actually post stuff through out the month after I make it??#or maybe Ill take this month to post all my old stuff#Or most likely I wont post anything at all#i’ve been doing mostly studies and stuff that I don’t think people here really care about#It’s mostly finished pieces and doodles on this website with the occasional WIP#or at least that’s what I want my blog to be#Maybe Ill get back into digital?#haven’t done any of that in a long while#idk options are there
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If I don’t survive the night,
If I make it to the morning-
#tmnt 2003#casey jones#raphael splinterson#does this count as 03 when it is technically the reboot#TMNT turtles forever#rasey#don’t get me wrong this can be platonic but I’m mentally Ill so I’m tagging the ship regardless#me and my friend watched this like 7 months ago but urgh the bit where raph goes back shouting for Casey and Leo has to grab his shoulder#to lead him out of harms way……urgh#couldn’t stop thinking about it and really wanted to draw them hugging#have done a rasey gift for my friend and almost did 03 hugging but I didn’t something else so#had to get this out my system regardless#shoutout to ray Leo and Rena for letting me pester you while I did this#one one month left of 2023….unreal….#i just think when raph gets casey back audience be damned hell give him the biggest tightest hug he can#theyre just peas in a pod in this version just so completely in sync and inseperable#i cant cope im ugly crying over this#i wish i was good with words
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THAT ONE SCENE IN GENERATOR REX WHERE REX SEES HIS DAD’S OLD LAB AND WALKS THROUGH IT AND THE NON-DIEGETIC SOUNDS ARE MOSTLY JUST WALKING AND VERY SOFT MUSIC, MORE LIKE AMBIANCE PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND AND IT’S INTERSPERSED WITH HAPPY MOMENTS OF BABY REX AND HIS DAD AND A SCENE OF THE CHAOS DURING THE NANITE EVENT AND THE COFFEE CUP DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE COFFEE CUP AND THEN REX SEES A PICTURE OF HIM AND HIS DAD AND REX LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE HIM AND THE ONLY DIALOGUE IS REX SAYING “Huh… dad” IT CAUSES ME STRONG FEELINGS I CANNOT PINPOINT AND I LOVE IT
#i don’t think we talk enough about rex’s dad and the show doesn’t either#rex was just. so loved#and he can’t remember it#i would say it makes me physically ill but that’s just the migraines tbh#but yeah also that coffee mug that damn coffee mug#someone made coffee to drink while they were doing science#and it got left there and nobody came back for it#it’s such a simple thing but so profoundly sad#it’s not that i like coffee i hate coffee it’s the thought that this was a normal night#someone got themselves a cup of coffee probably gearing up for an all-nighter#and whoever that was is likely dead#and rex picked up the cup and set it upright and for whatever reason that makes me foam at the mouth every time#that scene and the scene where van kleiss gets hit by a train are saved in my phone’s photo album#generator rex#generator rex spoilers#generator rex season three#rex salazar#rafael salazar
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if anyone does anything that makes me feel even remotely out of control it changes my brain chemistry about them forever even if I know they mean well and want so badly for things to go back to the way they used to but they can never go back and I hate myself for that
#ill literally ruin every friendship ig#does anyone else experience this bc it’s actually so fucked up I hate it sm#and like im good at pretending it’s ok so even if the other person goes back to normal I never am#it’s like the grudge just stays forever no matter how much forgiveness I logical have#and the association w the person just feels sickening even if they r so full of love#and I think that talking about it will help but it just digs a further hole#like it always get resolved on their end but somehow I feel worse#I’ve lost some of the greatest ppl bc of this :(#like ppl make mistakes#and sometimes it’s not even a mistake or anything wrong im just insane#and then I feel I don’t treat them as well but not in ways they would notice ugh idk im actually fkd#hence I mostly cut them off bc I don’t wanna treat them badly they don’t deserve it#but im also sick of cutting ppl pff who r genuinely so nice and made one off comment#bc I’ve made plenty of off comments im sure bc im human and yet other ppl r ok w it like y can’t I be#anyways usually the whole reason they have even said anything that has put me off them is just their reaction to me being mentally ill#so it kinda all stems from me everytim LOL yay
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im doing something different for commissions this coming time
#i have to cleanup/line/color/ the last of the work I have to do#and then im gonna take a break for a week or two#for the next batch it’s gonna be different I’ve decided#im probably going to make them ko-fi 6 or 8 slots first come first serve#im gonna raise my prices too. im sorry if this an inconvenience#im not going to get too personal but there like rough changes happening in my life and i feel very physically sick rn#i feel very ill and im feeling so intensely ever since being off my meds. I don’t want to make it anyone’s problem#im SO greatful to the people who want art from me. and im so greatful for the commissions i get.#I think I worked myself to the point of misery . im feeing the physical effects of it#im just physically exhausted and I don’t want to burn myself out#I can barely respond to people and I don’t want to have others deal with it#I have no other ways of getting money so I physically depend on these#I don’t want to feel like im only good for making art . i don’t want to make it seem like im lazy when im working everyday#hopefully I finish the rest of my work in the coming week. I appreciate everyone whose supported me and my art#and im sorry for being a bit of a downer. I’ll get back to regular posting 🧡#txt
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If I close my eyes and concentrate realllyyy hard I can pretend im in my animal crossing room
#im in need of a change I don’t like the way im living rn.. a lot of my belongings were picked out for me#by people who thought their way of doing things was better and Ive had to find workarounds my whole life bc of how I live differently#Ive never thought of myself as someone who cares abt how their room looks. but i want it to have things I like even if its just preference#Ive thought abt it for a while and I dont think Im picky I just dont like it when ppl buy me things expecting me to use it the way they#expect me to.. I just end up with a lot of crap that I feel too guilty throwing away just bc someone thought of me#the only way I can describe my taste is that I know what I’ll like when I see it.. if I can clearly see myself making the most out of it#if I constantly have to use workarounds just to use smth you decided for me im not gonna wanna use it unless I have to#literally i could not be bothered to pull out a notebook and write down important information until I got a blues clues notebook#because I liked it and it made it fun for me to whip out that I actually wanna use it. yknow#so rn im trying to get a drafting table because the one that came with my loft bed is ass and I cant cut my prints on it#I end up cutting on the floor and my back hurts if I do it too long.. and I wanna get a bookshelf for my closet and a bench for my bag#things Ill look at and want to use because I already knew how I wanted to use it and just do it without thinking too hard#yapping#diary
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i kinda want to live again
#not a vent#not literal#like. i wanna do things again. i wanna go places. i don’t wanna be holed up anymore#saw a mutual baking cookies#and my immediate thought was wow. life is so fucking wonderful#a stranger somewhere thousands of miles away from me is baking cookies. and i get to see a photo of it#and the color of the counter was the same as my friend’s old counter back in their childhood home#it gave me weird motivation to keep pushing through#very odd.#life is beautiful#i am mentally stable btw. just anxiety takes over my every waking moment#i am not in danger of myself don’t worry hang#GANG NOT HANG#THAT WAS THE WORST POSSIBLE TYPI I COULDVE MADE GIVEN THE CONTEXT OMG#i wanna live again#I’m going to join a club i think#start going to the library and chat up the librarians#maybe see if i can help them put away books. just for fun.#maybe i can get a job#maybe i can do this#maybe i can start saving up to move out. or go to college#im already starting to get a service dog. maybe i can do it#only issue is that driving is sensory hell for me so I struggle with it a lot#sooo#ill find a way#public transport here i come
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RIP Krakoa 🌹 I can’t lie I’ve been kinda behind since midway through Fall of X I’m gonna catch up before my first SDCC this summer but I hear Vulcan didn’t see much action anyway. Anyway my hand slipped and I found myself looking into the eyes of my canonically psychotic son the best Summers brother who’s never done anything wrong in his entire life, (he’s done lotsa wrong things but I love him more for it)
#canonically psychotic = he canonically has psychosis. (not in the ableist way in that hes evil. which he is. lemme enjoy problematic rep)#Gabriel Summers#art by seaweed#words by seaweed#X-Men Red#the Gabriel hate during the Krakoa era pffffft. was 100% from ppl who didnt read the Rise and Fall of the Shi'ar Empire#“he attacked Storm” hes also a genocidal dictator who tortures ppl for catharsis. drunkenly coming at Ororo is the least bad thing he did#“he's a douche” mother of all understatements. now get this man back w his boyfriend who he forced to be his best man under pain of death#Gabriel fans LOVE that Ororo beat his ass. he deserved it. it was a fake discourse made up by a certain segment of goddess!Ororo fans#I say as an Ororo fan! Shes my fav A-list x-man🥰 yes Gabe was at a mental low but Ororo didnt know that. that was Scott's responsibility.#psychotic Emperor Vulcan is what we call a problematic mentally ill villain trope. I love him SO much. (okay lets talk)#we don’t know much about his childhood but we do know he spent 2 years in a fugue state after escaping slavers when he was like ten ):#as an “adult”-ish he's uh “mentally” 15 or sumn according to the calculations claimed to him by his hallucination of his actual child self#and apart from THOSE hallucinations. he’s very paranoid to the point of killing his advisors because he becomes convinced-#that they’re plotting to kill him. they aren't. he relies on Calseye to ground him thru his paranoia. and then of course in the Krakoa era#he believes his energy constructs of Petra and Sway who drink with him till he blacks out every single day are real. he isnt consciously#creating them; but he sees them- and bc he’s a godlike mutant his subconscious makes his hallucinations visible. making everyone uncomfy#Charles tries to use telepathy to FORCIBLY reality check him. which of course triggers his trauma. and GABE is punished for it?#(oh plus our finding out Gabe got brain surgery done on him by some gods outside the universe offpanel. he never does well with tampering)#and now the writers who pushed Hickman out (also RIP Sabretooth & the Exiles. RIP Hellions) want us to be SAD Krakoa is gone?#yes Gabriel is the mentally ill villain trope. but Krakoa never cared for mutants who couldn’t fit in. who were traumatized. disabled. etc#Alex OF ALL PEOPLE should understand that. ALEX should’ve been there for Gabriel. (why wasn't he. did he hold a grudge for past torture.)#Alex also w Murder-Enjoying Disorder but it was actually treated as an illness and those in authority presented as wrong for excluding him#instead of helping him. which v flawed but Hellions was one of the best mental illness comics? like Zeb Wells was conscious of the genre#but Gabriel was just… cast out. for panicking when his prime traumatizer Charles invaded his mind. he deserved help too#and all because his family were annoyed at him for drinking all night and throwing up and passing out on the floor? for being delusional?#And like- all of the summers brothers are nd (Scott's brain damage; Alex's dissociative episodes; Gabriel's psychosis)#I have nothing to say about Adam X ((I highly doubt he's neurotypical and/or mentally healthy)) ((nothing to say abt him tho))#and Gabes paranoia is 100% rooted in his issues of being made to feel like an outsider. like YES the obvious MUTANT identity but also#he thinks his father abandoned him to be a slave. he's not Summers enough for Scott. hes not Shi'ar enough for the Shi'ar
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god i cannot wait to be off these steroids…
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- it’s late n i’m kinda pent up abt this#i’m so TIRED of themmmm#i’m probs gonna be on them for the rest of the year. which SUCKSSS#i don’t like how many ppl comment on the moon face#i don’t mind it. like i look in a mirror and i’m okay.#it’s a little weird. but like. just because it’s different. like getting used to a new haircut#but every time i see someone for the first time in a bit it’s ‘woah your face got rounder’#and i have to go ‘oh yeah it’s water retention- steroids thing it’ll go away when i’m able to go off ‘em’#and they go ‘oh alright :) you still look good btw don’t worry’#and i just. i HATE how people talk about it!! like jfc. it’s so clear that they think it’s like kinda sad#my dad said he thinks it’s cute and he’s the only one i actually think is telling the truth there#my mom and i agree that it doesn’t matter. but even then she tries to tell me not to panic#like a little extra squish in my face is something to panic over#it’s so clear that so many people see it as another thing to pity#oh poor thing. has that chronic illness for the rest of her life. and the steroids made her jaw look rounder :(#like jfc i knew fatphobia was prevalent but come the fuck on. literally i’m like barely retaining water for steroids too#like. i’m still very much skinny (i JUST finished being malnourished ffs) but bc i’m retaining water in my face#now ppl feel the need to comfort me. over this tiny cosmetic thing that does not matter#like. i wouldn’t feel weird abt it if it weren’t for everyone else making it such a THING. why is everyone so weird about it#i’m not insecure about it but when ppl try to comfort me or go ‘it’s not that bad’ it makes me feel like i’m SUPPOSED to be insecure abt it#and it drives me NUTS. bc there are things about being on steroids that i would love to be comforted about#but the water retention is not one of them. i couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the water retention#y’know what i’d like to be comforted over? the mood swings. the irritability. the insomnia. the appetite fluctuation#the slow healing of skin. thinning and dryness in the skin. having to take like 3 other medications alongside the steroid#bc taking the steroid causes side effects that need to be medically treated or prevented#even outside of the steroid! i’d like some comfort about having to build back my stamina from scratch#i’d like some comfort about having the worst balance i’ve had in years#there’s. more to this. but i’m out of tags. maybe i’ll make some replies idk. i’m just. UGH
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i hate having fevers they make me literally incapable of controlling my emotions
#not snz#i’ve been feeling so awful the past few days and it really hit me today#i went to urgent care and they literally were like take advil you’re fine like cool thanka#this is just gonna be me rambling in the tags#i think i have such a hard time being sick because i wasn’t allowed to be sick as a kid#like my parents made me go to school even if i had a fever and literally went with the stomach flu because my mom didn’t want me to stay hom#so i think now anytime i get a fever it brings back that feeling and it makes me so anxious#most of the time i don’t even feel fever symptoms but ill just get so anxious and then ill realize i have a fever#anyways this is just me rambling because i don’t feel well and my fever is making me feel on edge
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Being chronically ill sucks for many reasons but one reason is that all the doctors are so focused on keeping your body from attacking itself/collapsing in on itself that it’s like “uhh I think my brain/emotions are kinda being neglected here :/“
#my oncologist: hey I’m giving you a referral to get some bloodwork done it took like 5 minutes#me: cool! can I also get a referral to get screened for ADHD like you said I should?#my oncologist: *radio silence*#I think the undiagnosed ADHD is screaming at me rn#also it’s weird because I technically don’t have cancer anymore but I’m on a shit ton of meds to keep it from coming back#and it like majorly affects my life#so it’s chronic symptoms to prevent a recurrence of the chronic illness#the self gatekeeping inside of me is astronomical#chronic illness#chronically ill#cancer#cancer survivor#breast cancer#breast cancer survivor#adhd#undiagnosed adhd
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Chanting softly to myself: visible braces are not bad. It is good to use them when you need them. Visible braces are not bad. It is good to use them when you need them. Visible braces are not bad. It is good to use them when you need them.
#the ups and downs of chronic illness#disability#joint pain#chronic illness#hypermobile ehlers danlos#this post brought to you by my knee brace#do I wear hand braces all the time? yep!#do I also always wear my knee brace with long skirts bc I’m self conscious about it? yep!#and I’m wearing a dress that doesn’t fully hide it today#why do I have this double standard?#anyways my knee brace kicks ass and I need it today bc my knee hurts more than usual#and that is morally neutral#and if people mention it I don’t have to engage#idk I think part of my insecurity comes because I embroidered it and made it pretty#and like#that very much denotes that it’s a long term thing#so maybe I’ll get less sports injury comments#that being said I love to clap back with#sports injury? yeah the extreme sport of being born#god I wish I could just yeet the internalised ableism out of me already#alas we live in a society etc.
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