#but i do know how catholics work.
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dallon drinking blood like wine.
#i don't know how mormons like. work at all.#but i do know how catholics work.#and boy is that man doing communion.#in my mind at least#been to a catholic church once and i literally had to make jokes about jesus cheezits to keep myself from getting flustered while watching#communion happen (none of my group did it seen as how we're not catholics but we did watch)
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knitting but make it ✨dark academia✨
#knitting#wip#knitblr#the pattern is dark academia on ravelry🫶#the gothic catholic cathedral vibes are off the chart here😅#also every time I do an all over colorwork sweater I remember how much I don’t actually like doing them but the pattern is always worth it#I love the way the sleeve decreases worked out! the pattern calls it a bishops sleeve decrease so the more you know ya know?
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Wait I just realized something. Alice is part of the God Possessed Pentious AU. However, she’s also a part of your Zestious fic “A Hundred Years and Many More”. Does… does that imply that, at least in your fic, Zestial had a crush on Pentious. Then Pentious died and got possessed by God. If so, I cannot WAIT for that reaction!
“The guy I had a crush on is, not only alive, but is also GOD’S VESSEL!!????!!!” [insert Catholic Guilt here]
Hi, thanks for the ask! "A Hundred Years and Many More" was more of a test run for the backstory, and the backstory (with Alice's glorious presence uwu) is actually part of the au
BUT
I think it'd be hilarious if Zestial and Pentious had this lingering crush on each other the entire time XD Maybe Zestial's was born out of intrigue more than romance, but they both had CRUSHES
And now god's over here like "what's with you and crushing on people who could destroy you??? what the fuck, man???" because he knows. Pentious can't really hide his massive crushes because he can't hide shit XD
#all this to say yes i agree 100%#itd be so fucking funny XD#god: WHY do you have a crush on people who could kill you??#meanwhile zestials over here like WOW this guy just got more interesting therefore a little sexier uwu#but also INSERT CATHOLIC GUILT#or at the very least christian guilt if thats even a thing#pentious still absolutely has a crush on zestial AND cherri#i just dont know if they both reciprocate those feelings#at least in this au#but im a fan of giving penne a harem so uwu#asks#pepper answers#hazbin hotel#sir pentious#zestial hazbin hotel#god hazbin hotel#cherri bomb#zestious#snakespeare#god just realizing pentious's odd taste in people is my jam lmaooo#cuz he doesnt understand romance#doesnt know the point of it#just knows that love is great and apparently his favorite snake man loves an overlord and a bomb girl#and hes like 'why????? how???? does this work?????? wtf dude??????'#ANYWAY still deciding if im making it canon to my version of the god au XDD#ok ill stop rambling now-#heavenly serpent au
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It just occurred to me that we've not had an in depth portrayal of Henry VIII and Jane Seymour since the Tudors. Or just, Jane Seymour in general. So I am really curious to see how Mirror and the Light/Wolf Hall is going to handle them.
We get to know about her family, we'll learn about Elizabeth Seymour as well, and how important she is.
#and maybe we have I just haven't seen#most of the portrayals of jane are very much her being viewed as the 'other woman'#which isn't at all fair#she is never truly given her own type of spotlight#at least until like i said#the tudors#and there is either over pacification of her or over villainization of her#and by pacification - i mean people just portray her as a mindless doe like character#who has no type of motives or goals of her own#when it was her who worked tirelessly to introduce mary back to court#and it was her who was sympathetic to the catholics and the pilgrimage of grace#anywayzzzz#can't wait to see how wolf hall handles her#and if this is going to be a type of portrayal that is everlasting - like the tudors#jane seymour#wolf hall#henry viii#mirror and the light#i do know that most of the focus in the new series is going to be Thomas Cromwell - whom I am obsessed with to the point of#I think it's best not to talk abt him or y'all would look at me weirdly#but what I'm saying is i'm not going to expect *too* much#because the tudors was really focusing on the queens and not the courtiers#and mirror and the light's main focus is certainly the courtiers
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lmaoooo maffhew wanting the knot immediately and having to wait for sasha to catch up with that is so deeply funny like. this omega is not subtle and you’re not a stupid alpha babe! can only imagine what benny has to say to maffhew about it once he catches on and stops banging his head against a wall
idiots to lovers is always great but especially when its two people who would be hitched with 10 kids by now if they stopped being dumb for a single second like its that easy and yet...
to me they very much fall around the same time (infatuation at first scent if you will) just that sasha takes some time to get there not because he's dumb (okay he's a little dumb) but in the sense that its like "this person is very interested in me, i can see and recognise that but theres so much cognitive dissonance in my brain right now between knowing that intrinsically and finding that hard to believe so i unintentionally play dumb because obviously i'm reading too much into things it cant be me they're interested in haha that'd crazy but they're being awfully touchy and flirty with me wow"
but also it takes two to tango and we have to acknowledge that and this is when i would love to bring up the ways in which this man decides is the best way to go about that because he is a catholic school girlie... there's so much hilarity to be had here especially because his flirting is very uh how you say... a little ass backwards if you will especially considering dynamics
"I make it a point to keep the door closed when we're alone in a room together! That's basically a clear invitation that I'm down to fuck!!! Im basically asking to be ragdolled on his knot!!!"
and Benny just pinches the bridge of his nose like "I don't know how to explain to you in a way you'll understand that not everyone went to Catholic school."
But saying that Sasha does side-eye the door knob heavily when Maffhew goes over to close it the first time and he starts sweating like he just got dragged into a game of 7 Minutes in Heaven he did not sign up for and he's 13 again and oh god he got paired with a really cute girl, and he hasn't even had his first real kiss yet and-
And then absolutely nothing happens because Maffhew is just waiting with a polite expectant smile (because his work here is done, he did the heavy lifting know it's Sasha's turn) and this is when Sasha's dynamic classes training kicks in and he basically scolds himself for even assuming in the first place because this is clearly a show of trust (correct) not an invitation for extra circular activities (incorrect buzzer noise) and it basically becomes "This Omega really trusts me, I'm honoured especially as Pack Leader that I'm able to be so accepted into such a private space with the inherent knowledge that I will not encroach their boundaries whatsoever because consent is verbal, this is not in any way an invitation to take advantage of them this is deep platonic trust I will guard with my life :]"
and if you listen closely you can hear the lovely sounds of Maffhew bashing his head into a wall about how much of a gentleman Sasha is but also COME ONNNNNN... you know... once Maffhew realises what's happening which (looks at my watch) is not due for another few months really
Battle of wills: unstoppable force (maffhews catholic school understanding of dynamic interactions) vs immovable object (overseas alpha cotillion classes)
And if you think it's an Oh! An overseas dynamic thing! It's not. The Euros are watching the horrible car crash in front of them and doing absolutely nothing about it because it's none of their business, but they will stare at it... maybe judge it a bit but definitely are observing from the tall grass.
and I'm also not saying that luosty lundy forsy and bobby have a current running bet of how long it'll take for maffhew to break sasha in but i'm also not not saying that... luosty goaded lundy in the midst of a gossip session ("It has to be 3 months, right?) forsy happened to be around so lundy turned to him for advice ("7 months.") and maybeeee bobby overheard from all the way over from his stall and puts in his two cents for what it's worth ("6. Captain nice but not that nice. Very impatient." "So 3!" "No. Impatience makes him double the time, and wait longer. 6 months.") (lundy finally settles on a good 5 months because he's indecisive)
And Sasha does eventually pick up everything maffhew is throwing down... eventually... and when he does it becomes more so I want to court this omega the way they deserve I will take this slow and romance them sweetly :) *smash cut to maffhew caterwauling like a cat in heat*
but also once again its not like maffhew is helping sasha in any way this is idiot4idiot and benny would like to enjoy the car crash with the euros but unfortunately that's his soulmate, thats his bestie, his littermate from birth who has been weaned on the same teat as they climbed over each other to get to it, the first girl you kissed in your childhood bedroom because somehow you started play fighting on the bed because she was like i could totally pin you down easy and then she does and you always noticed how beautiful she was but shes even more gorgeous when she's pinning your wrists to your hannnah montana duvet you promised yourself youd changed out before she came over but you forget and well she teased you about it and you cant help but giggle about how perfect this all is and it seems that the natural conclusion to this is to taste the strawberry lipgloss of her lips because whats a kiss between besties huh its tacky and sticky and it tastes like summer and just other apt metaphors to put here about the inherent -isms of their relationship that i nearly cant put to words properly other than girls having fun (they are fucking)
and well anyways benny is watching and he has a lot of things to say about how its been proceeding so far
"You should really use your words."
"I am!"
"Right because smelling like a fucking perfume shop in the middle of October is using your words."
"This usually works with most Alphas okay!"
"Sasha isn't most Alphas."
"Tell me about it." Matthew grouses before he peeks over to Sam, looking up from beneath his eyelashes—the exact way he knows both endears him to Sam but also absolutely miffs him all the same, "Worked on you, didn't it?"
"Oh, is that what we're doing right now? We're calling getting a lapful of a preening O in preheat in the middle of a roadie a normal way to go about these things."
"It worked didn't it?" Matthew reiterates.
"It would work better if you use—"
"Okay! Alright!! I get it!!!" He does not.
like benny here is unfortunately an active listening participant in the going ons of the fuckery if not because hes involved by proxy because of maffhew because who else will hold his hair back as he calls him a dumb bitch you know
#ask#i dont think we nearly take enough advantage of maffhew going to a catholic prepatory school#my friend who went to catholic schooling his whole life until highschool (where we met) dropped the bombshell of the door thing on me#to which i went you have to be fucking with me that cant be real and then i was like well i guess its good we're both boys then-#and then he goes oh my mom knows im queer the rule applies to boys too#and i just nervously looked over to the door knob like well uh maybe we should open the door? i dont want your mom to be mad-#and he was like oh shes convinced we've been fucking since we met so this is allowed youre the only boy she lets do this (the door thing)#a couple of years later when he moved out i found out friends weren't allowed over if he was alone in the house but i was the only exceptio#and i felt like the equivalent of a roving tomcat who keeps wandering into the gardens and got the neighbours cat daisy pregnant#i dont think i could ever look that woman in the eye after all that#this is all to say catholic schooling does things to you man#anyways i do have to reiterate every kitty is fucking each other on a normal basis and in an abo au it gets even worse#making our whorehouse a whorehome#ive always said this but flirting with a virgo is like flirting with a brickwall#actually thatd be an insult to the brickwall because at least the brickwall would give you something to work with#the humble virgo looks you in the eyes before they crush your ego with a single word and youre like thank you mistress may i have another#i feel for maffhew i really do#theres just so many funny ways this just goes terribly wrong because both maffhew and sasha are inherently messy people#matthew and sasha on a team outing sat next to each other in a booth and matthew gets a little tipsy and starts rubbing his cheek#on sashas shoulder and sasha is just looking over to benny like please. help. and benny just snorts and blatantly ignores#him as he continues to sip on his beer and sasha just turns to ekky and silently pleads with his eyes. PLEASE. HELP.#ekky huffs and looks away very much not thrilled about being involved in any form whatsoever and hes not gonna change his mind about this#*5 minutes later* and ekky finds himself switching spots with sasha with a cuddly maffhew on his arm and he's a little disgruntled about it#but its very hard to stay upset when maffhew keeps mumbling about how nice he smells and keeps trying to scent him#all over like he has any right to lay a claim when hes been in the pack for such a short time#and yeah okay maybe he preens a little bit at the compliment like just a little#and maybe he does like being treated like a glorified scratching post but matthew doesnt need to know that (matthew knows that)#well anyways
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question that I could look up but im lazy: do we know (from the comics or otherwise) what charles’ parents occupations were? or their household’s economic status (ie; middle class, working class, etc)? if not, does anyone have any good guesses based on the details we see of charles’ life?
#im obviously also very interested to know what edwin’s family was like since its a complete mystery beyond: probably quite well-off#and canonically emotionally (and physically) distant (steve yockey’s said ‘his mother never touched him with an ungloved hand’ so.)#but charles’ household seems more possible to make inferences on since we see his parents and some looks at their house and so on and so on#from what I can see I imagine his parents are somewhere between middle and working class but I guess it sorta depends on if the school at#that point was private and if so how much it costed to attend. or if it did cost a decent amount to attend maybe charles’ father#paid for it regardless as a way of ‘straightening him out’. it wasn’t a boarding school anymore but it still seemed probably pretty#rigid and catholic#idk. his father looks working class to me and their house seems to mean that way too but what do I know#im an american raised in the 2000s I don’t know shit about england in the late 80s#well at least when it comes to socioeconomic trends and such#rambling#charles rowland#dead boy detectives
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Hmm methinks that only telling people "that's a sin, repent and believe in Christ" is the opposite of helpful
I think how it's worded is important too, but that's not the point of the post
#was told my fatima ladies abd gentlemen post was idolatry and that i needed to repent#and i know my post wasnt sinful so like thats not my problem#it just really made me think about how we (christians in general not just catholics) engage with others online#because who does that line work on really?#certainly not someone who genuinely believes what theyre doing isnt wrong#because why?#how is that convincing?#i dont think telling people to repent is wrong obviously#but the way we do it matters#its just more proof that evangelization without love or 'empty evangelism' does more harm than good#there needs to be connection and love and mercy#not out of the blue soulless commands#idk man#whenever i imagine Jesus sitting at the sinners table#i see love#communication#reaching out and showing people God#i HIGHLY doubt he just sat down#said 'stop sinning and repent'#then idk grabbed a chicken leg or something and bounced#and neither should we#ok im done ranting bye c:
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What if I was your servant and you promised me a better life and I believed you and then you used me and resented me I saw you at your worst and I held the attention of someone you loved despite the fact you treat them like shit and so you took out your anger on me all the cruelty in the world and as I suffered you sat back with a cup of tea and smiled and you killed your beloved in front of me just to prove a point that they belonged to you and all I can do is watch and then when you just can’t stand the sight of me anymore you cry loud enough for the world to hear you that I’m the dangerous one, a wicked seductress, a witch, and I burn and burn and burn and you go home and laugh, relieved of this burden, the world sings your praises yet you are nothing but alone and miserable and I crawl my way in i appear in your mirror I breathe down your neck you bleed all my blood and you drown in it and it’s funny really how for someone who’s supposedly so evil all I have to do to provoke you is stare with honest eyes and that sight just pushes you over the edge and you have the fucking audacity to scream, plead for help, to actually sob about it like you’re the victim like you’ve always been the poor little victim and you tighten your rope and breathe your last breath and I embrace you from behind and drag my teeth across your neck and dig my nails into your chest and you wait for it to fade to black but your eyes refuse to close and I squeeze over your heart and feel it beat faster and faster and we laugh together and we both know I can see how pathetic you really are and I just keep holding you tighter because I don’t want to know what’d happen if I let you go I don’t think I could ever take my eyes off you again and you could’ve apologized to me even once but you never fucking did and you never will and the world will always see you as the beautiful tragic victim, the hero this town needed, and when they think of evil my face will always be the one they see every fucking time and so I refuse to let go and let you go on believing you’re a saint, committing every atrocity imaginable and using my name to do so, you’re going to hell with me and we will burn and burn and burn and we’re literally both girls 😳🙊🙀
#the letter#the letter visual novel#guyssss i just need it to be known. that this game. this game fucks me up#literally no one is doing toxic yuri like takako and lady charlotte#i fucking hate charlotte so much its like kinda really funny how shes like ‘help me so i can die peacefully and go to heaven 🥺’#its like oh honey its really admirable how you honestly think youre getting into heaven aksjks#i refuse to believe it like i know we’re working with a ‘god is fucked up and Catholics are evil’ perspective which i love but#despite this i just cant let this asshole get into heaven man 😩#im just here for takako im playing video games with her and giving her a bunch of cats and jelly babies#she and kylie can play on the playground okaayyyy#also i uh once again must point out the zach/takako parallels and in particular THE EYESSSSS THE EYES#and how they roll under lukes bed right in the middle where he cant reach so theyre just permanently there and theyre positioned to always#be watching him like he can lie his ass off but zach saw him and knows just how disgusting he is#and luke has to live with that forever he cant escape being seen those eyes are gonna be on him for the rest of his life#im so deeply normal
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i don’t wish i was catholic but i wish i knew more about catholicism/christianity for the sole purpose of being slightly more insane about lapsed-catholic gallaghers
#truly an untapped treasure trove of Thoughts that i unfortunately cannot comprehend as a cultural hindu/theologic atheist#thankfully i have catholic friends whose knowledge i can mine >:)#and friends of other denominations shout out to my methodist buddy i love u my methodist buddy#faery-berry-blast my beloved <3#anyways i think fiona and lip are both atheists#lip is annoying about it though. aka he is the kind of atheist who make fun of theists for their beliefs#fiona does not give a fuck#she just doesn’t believe in a higher power#ian is religious (ik the gay jesus storyline was a manic ep but i do think it stems from genuine belief)#he is specifically catholic#debbie is vaguely christian but not really#as in she doesn’t like how going to church makes her feel but she’s dabbled in a bunch of other religions#and christianity feels right#i can also see her just being generally spiritual w/o a specific religion#carl and liam are both agnostic#they don’t rly know what’s going on up there [gestures vaguely to the sky] but they think there might be a higher power#who knows. to them god is like aliens: probably out there! we just don’t know what they’re like#humanoid or bacteria??? not sure. do they exist? yes#idc about frank all he ever did was look for different ways to be forgiven thru religion i hate him#monica and her fam were probably catholic though#this has gotten out of hand sorry#anyways. religion#i’m a staunch atheist but i love love love thinking about religion#i treat every religious text like a work of literature i’m tasked with writing english essays about and it’s so fun#shameless#shameless meta#gallagher siblings#fiona and her kids#sorry for these fuckass tags
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Me omw to write smth I have literally no clue about !!
#on a side note#does anyone know what country/state would be the best setting for a catholic private school#writing#writing struggles#writers block#how do i research#help#how do i write#where do i start#its funny cuz i dont know shit abt catholicism#and im like “do i really want to learn tho?”#seems like a lot of work#anyways#i kinda got a deadline on this#bc ima use this for my art college portfolio#and the deadline is sooner than id like!#hahahahaha
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Alright uninformed rant time. It kind of bugs me that, when studying the Middle Ages, specifically in western Europe, it doesn’t seem to be a pre-requisite that you have to take some kind of “Basics of Mediaeval Catholic Doctrine in Everyday Practise” class.
Obviously you can’t cover everything- we don’t necessarily need to understand the ins and outs of obscure theological arguments (just as your average mediaeval churchgoer probably didn’t need to), or the inner workings of the Great Schism(s), nor how apparently simple theological disputes could be influenced by political and social factors, and of course the Official Line From The Vatican has changed over the centuries (which is why I’ve seen even modern Catholics getting mixed up about something that happened eight centuries ago). And naturally there are going to be misconceptions no matter how much you try to clarify things for people, and regional/class/temporal variations on how people’s actual everyday beliefs were influenced by the church’s rules.
But it would help if historians studying the Middle Ages, especially western Christendom, were all given a broadly similar training in a) what the official doctrine was at various points on certain important issues and b) how this might translate to what the average layman believed. Because it feels like you’re supposed to pick that up as you go along and even where there are books on the subject they’re not always entirely reliable either (for example, people citing books about how things worked specifically in England to apply to the whole of Europe) and you can’t ask a book a question if you’re confused about any particular point.
I mean I don’t expect to be spoonfed but somehow I don’t think that I’m supposed to accumulate a half-assed religious education from, say, a 15th century nobleman who was probably more interested in translating chivalric romances and rebelling against the Crown than religion; an angry 16th century Protestant; a 12th century nun from some forgotten valley in the Alps; some footnotes spread out over half a dozen modern political histories of Scotland; and an episode of ‘In Our Time’ from 2009.
But equally if you’re not a specialist in church history or theology, I’m not sure that it’s necessary to probe the murky depths of every minor theological point ever, and once you’ve started where does it end?
Anyway this entirely uninformed rant brought to you by my encounter with a sixteenth century bishop who was supposedly writing a completely orthodox book to re-evangelise his flock and tempt them away from Protestantism, but who described the baptismal rite in a way that sounds decidedly sketchy, if not heretical. And rather than being able to engage with the text properly and get what I needed from it, I was instead left sitting there like:
And frankly I didn’t have the time to go down the rabbit hole that would inevitably open up if I tried to find out
#This is a problem which is magnified in Britain I think as we also have to deal with the Hangover from Protestantism#As seen even in some folk who were raised Catholic but still imbibed certain ideas about the Middle Ages from culturally Protestant schools#And it isn't helped when we're hit with all these popular history tv documentaries#If I have to see one more person whose speciality is writing sensational paperbacks about Henry VIII's court#Being asked to explain for the British public What The Pope Thought I shall scream#Which is not even getting into some of England's super special common law get out clauses#Though having recently listened to some stuff in French I'm beginning to think misconceptions are not limited to Great Britain#Anyway I did take some realy interesting classes at uni on things like marriage and religious orders and so on#But it was definitely patchy and I definitely do not have a good handle on how it all basically hung together#As evidenced by the fact that I've probably made a tonne of mistakes in this post#Books aren't entirely helpful though because you can't ask them questions and sometimes the author is just plain wrong#I mean I will take book recommendations but they are not entirely helpful; and we also haven't all read the same stuff#So one person's idea of what the basics of being baptised involved are going to radically differ from another's based on what they read#Which if you are primarily a political historian interested in the Hundred Years' War doesn't seem important eonugh to quibble over#But it would help if everyone was given some kind of similar introductory training and then they could probe further if needed/wanted#So that one historian's elementary mistake about baptism doesn't affect generations of specialists in the Hundred Years' War#Because they have enough basic knowledge to know that they can just discount that tiny irrelevant bit#This is why seminars are important folks you get to ASK QUESTIONS AND FIGURE OUT BITS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND#And as I say there is a bit of a habit in this country of producing books about say religion in mediaeval England#And then you're expected to work out for yourself which bits you can extrapolate and assume were true outwith England#Or France or Scotland or wherever it may be though the English and the French are particularly bad for assuming#that whatever was true for them was obviously true for everyone else so why should they specify that they're only talking about France#Alright rant over#Beginning to come to the conclusion that nobody knows how Christianity works but would like certain historians to stop pretending they do#Edit: I sort of made up the examples of the historical people who gave me my religious education above#But I'm now enamoured with the idea of who actually did give me my weird ideas about mediaeval Catholicism#Who were my historical godparents so to speak#Do I have an idea of mediaeval religion that was jointly shaped by some professor from the 1970s and a 6th century saint?#Does Cardinal Campeggio know he's responsible for some much later human being's catechism?#Fake examples again but I'm going to be thinking about that today
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i'm so glad i won't be working with my pi after this month. i think i've reached my limit. i just can't deal with her anymore
#she said 'oh idk if i can make it to your thesis'#SHE IS ON MY THESIS COMMITTEE. SHE'S KNOWN ABOUT THIS FOR A YEARRRRRR#she said she might be on vacation w her bf... instead of going to my fucking thesis defense.#there was a special vote just so she could be on my committee. wdym you have to go on vacation#ALSO i've been asking her to check my calculations for a thing for MONTHS#and she still hasn't. but she made me present on it in front of a bunch of people.#i'd like to note that this calculation is like. the point of my thesis. and she hasn't even bothered to look at it#she forced the interns to work 50 hours last week. they're only being paid for 40.#she hasn't read any part of my thesis... others have but they don't know the details like she does#i told her to read my fucking thesis and she said she had and that it 'looked good'#what does that mean. WHAT does that mean. how do you have no comments. on my thesis. that determines whether i graduate#and then she said i'm ''irresponsible'' bc i went to a concert???#like it didn't affect anything. i showed up to work on time. i completed everything i meant to.#but i guess going to one concert is like. unacceptable.#i'm sooooo sorry i decided to go have fun for one night instead of agonizing about my thesis (that again. she hasn't read)#she asked if i want to give a talk at the new place she got hired at but she now works for fus#which is a incredibly conservative homophobic private catholic university. i've never heard anything positive about it#like they're legally allowed to discriminate against lgbt people... does she know what i fucking look like????#she's so so conservative but she only interacts with other conservative catholics#and doesn't understand how fucking vile her views are. and she wonders why people don't like her#like maybe she should shut the fuck up about how she thinks abortion is a sin at work!!#she once said 'the only time i feel uncomfortable in my skin is when i talk about being a conservative catholic at work'#AND THEN SHE SAID 'it really makes me understand how hijabis feel'#IN FRONT OF MY HIJABI COLLEAGUE. HELLO???? like she is not persecuted for being a conservative catholic#i literally started laughing when she said that. i think i said 'please get real'. and she's still mad#anyway. my colleague decided to no longer work with my pi. idk if it was bc of that comment#she mentioned that once i leave there won't be anyone who understands the data on the project anymore#like yeah. maybe you should've looked at the data. like at all#and not had an unpaid master's student do literally all the work for you
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How do I explain to people that I deal with pain and feeling sick so often I haven't felt like myself except like every once in a rare while for like 8 years now. How do I spend another fucking minute in this pain doing basically nothing. Because after a while you just get sick of always trying to get though it, to recuperate, to deal with it. Rest stops feeling restful. Care feels lazy and guilt always looms.
And meanwhile it's just another migraine. Something I get so often I know how to deal with it and I'm still going to do what I was excited for tonight (virtual DnD) it's just gonna be painful. But as always the choice is be in pain and do a thing or be in pain and not do a thing soooo
#chronic pain#sorry to rant on your dash#i go back and forth a lot about how “bad” its really is#(raised catholic im working on it)#posting here helps me remember when i start saying i dont have it as bad as others etc#because i do know so many ppl who have way worse chronic pain and illness#but yea
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very very personal, just insight into where im at w my family and things that bother me/have encouraged me to move out
"i know youre moving out so im just gonna say no ones kicking you out and if you feel like this is something you have to do then ok"
thanks! i know im not being kicked out! but yknow i kinda yet a weird vibe when your out of touch husband takes me to a cemetery to yell at me, tell me im just like my father/dont give my father "the time of day", and that im "mean to people who care about me" in front of his dead mother's grave in a poor attempt at guilting me out of speaking my mind. but no yeah thanks for stating the fucking obvious that im leaving on my own terms
#problems!#people seem to underestimate how quick i am to make moves#the job market is piss. cant believe yall two would blame me for being unemployed when all i do from rise to slumber is hound ppl for jobs#im not going to stay in a house where i will be 'scared straight'. that shit doesnt work on me. in fact it has the opposite effect#i respect yall even LESS now#and youre so so fucking lucky one of my goals for next year is to make things right with you it would be easy to cut you off forever#same way i did with my abusive transphobic dad.#my mom is someone i know can do better and can actually listen to reason instead of being stuck in her generation's mentality of#'x is easy if you just do y. you kids have it so easy the world is at your fingertips' blah blah fucking blah#i am autistic i do not keep jobs easily. i am trans jobs do not want me. i am black and perceived as a woman. every customer at all of my#past jobs thinks i am rude or mean or have an attitude when i do nothing but treat others the exact way i would want to be treated#customers dont like what i say? i stop talking. customers dont like when i dont talk? i talk to them. rinse repeat#like i know im the problem here but all of my problems circle back to my autism and the fact that because im not a supergenius or#someone whose special interest is capitalism i fail at every avenue i try to jam myself in.#but yeah no i need to work harder i need to be taken to a FUCKING CEMETERY and yelled at by YOUR HUSBAND for wanting to go to the bathroom#in front of his mothers grave. god rest her soul and yall know im no christian so i actually mean that shit#because in his mind all i want to do is smoke and party. when i smoke because i have fucking migraines and g to shows#(two out of three of them being free and for the purpose of their willingness to 'get me out of the house')#bc i like music and i like engaging w my scene. but no its all violent noise theres no actual purpose or activism behind moshing. nope#its just one big party right. im just wasting my time right. because i like sleepin on a couch every night with no doors to close. yep ok#anyway heres to me getting my meds getting the fuck out and being somewhat far from my scene now that im moving#hows that for smoking and partying all the time huh?#if any of yall read this i am so so sorry. bitching about my stepdad will become a thing i think#hes one of those bible thumpers that are totally boring and indifferent to differences around them and thinks my mom is just like him#in some ways? she is. but she is a people pleaser and will never take her wants or her feelings seriously#because she had the unfortunate upbringing in being brainwashed into thinking her feelings/wants are sinful#shoutout to my christian or catholic mutuals who are fucking normal and dont let some old fantasy novel control your life. peace#religion mention
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ok i’m listening to yesterday’s vows and vengeance episode and i had to pause immediately because harding swearing by the stone was so unexpected??? the idea that surfacer dwarves still believe in the stone as an actual religion is so interesting because unlike the other religions in thedas that believe they were abandoned by their respective deistic force(s), it is the individual who abandons the stone. the maker left the physical world and the creators were locked away against their will, but the stone is always there until you leave it, by choice or by force.
to have someone born and raised on the surface who still pays some importance to the stone introduces the idea of redemption to the philosophy of the stone. to me, being on the surface and still putting some kind of importance on it implies you left unwillingly right? because if you choose to walk away from it, you don’t care about preserving those ties. i wonder if she’s going to be something of a foil to varric—a child of exiles, born and raised on the surface, but she actually does have a desire to connect to that culture. and maybe that desire to reconnect is related to her weird new powers
#The Ones Who Walk Away From Orzammar. if you will#i was going to say that would be a different thing but actually. not really#and. yknow. there is something to be said about the fact that the casteless work for the carta is essentially to the city’s operation#we. don’t actually have a lot of info about people who choose to leave orzammar. maybe some do leave out of moral qualms with the system#but anyway. i don’t remember if harding says anything in the descent about it#i’m sure she does but i always thought of her as not particularly caring one way or the other#i’m literally not even two minutes in and had to pause and inhale deeply and go. ok maybe it was intentional lmao#and yknow what. the podcast has different writers than the game so maybe this doesn’t mean anything abt what her writing will be in the game#anyway i’m definitely choosing to read too much into this bc the most likely explanation is#they threw it in there as a clunky signifier that she’s a dwarf. even tho it doesn’t rly fit for her personally from what i thought i knew#or maybe it’s just a figure of speech at this point. i don’t know how many generations her family has been on the surface#maybe her parents are from orzammar and she was just kinda raised around it. i was raised catholic and don’t believe anymore but#i still say ‘jesus christ’ a lot lol#oh now i’m also thinking abt whatshisname from awakening#the gavorn (brothers? cousins?) i feel like they also say something about stone sense and that feels adjacent to this#sry i know this is v long and could be more concise but i’m at work and don’t have time to look it over#but i wanted to get it out. if i remember i’ll come back later and make a more coherent post lol#mine#harding
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see I can’t accept charles’ comic background and socioeconomic status as canon for the show because if I did that would mean the whole group would be a bunch of rich kids and that’s a horrifying concept
#ranging from vaguely upper class (niko and charles via comic logic) to presumably quite wealthy (edwin) to straight up ultrarich (crystal)#well off but doesn’t own a mansion -> owns a mansion -> owns several mansions in several countries#but yeah that aside. I don’t like the idea of him being raised upper class or even upper middle and yes I know he went to a private catholic#school that presumably costs a decent amount of money but for one we don’t Know how much exactly by that point in time (I’m assuming it was#more prestigious and expensive back in edwin’s day) and it’s not like middle class or even working class people can never afford#to send their one (1) kid to catholic school. like that’s really not too unusual. I know this is an american example but im thinking about#lady bird and her catholic school situation- her family was financially unstable and still paid for Catholic school because it was (in their#opinion) the best offering for an education in the neighborhood (and as someone who lives in the same city in the same Area of the same#city I can tell you that that choice does make sense even for a non-catholic. the public schools round here can be uhhhhhh rough)#so im seeing charles’ situation sorta like that#his dad seems like the type to want him ‘kept in line’ and ‘whipped into shape’ and I think he’d pay for that if he could manage it#idk something about charles is just……he has an appeal by being the Normal Kid amongst them. not raised as anything special. not having all#his needs met. never expecting to do anything super grand with his life. just a city kid yknow#anyway SOMEONES gotta know how to cook. I don’t think crystal or edwin have ever had to cook for themselves in their lives and niko seems to#live on instant ramen and i mean I bet she can cook very basic japanese meals but that’s about it#please for the love of god tell me charles learned some stuff from his mom and can cook an adequate meal#I know ghosts don’t eat but shut up#rambling#charles#dead boy detectives spoilers
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