#but i cant convince people to like something if they just dont like it im just saying all this for MY comfort so i feel less insane LVKJAEL
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oo u want 2 draw soo bad..
#i hate that my ability to draw is so conditional#its soo frustrating but i dont know how to break it. this has been the one thing thats never changed.ill never be free#times like rn i just do studies but its soo fking BORINGGG euuhh...#but if i try 2 draw something for funsies i just stare at the blank canvas. literally immobile. & u know how people r like just draw#something anyways. a line. something. and its like no i cant do that oi cant even do that u underestimate my freak#i want 2attack myself from the pov of someone else#i think im having the realization tht i will never be able to do art stuff frls and its driving me crazy i think.#like im actually sick and unwell frm the thought of it.my friend commissioned me and im ab 2 send the money back#after two weeks bc i cant do it im literally frozen dude.i want 2 cry and die and explode into a million pieces#wait im back to add more.idk if anyone feels the same way but its like. i know its entirely a Me issue its a mental block issue#theres something thats not connecting in my head but its like.why is it so easy for everyone else ykwim...and thats a lie too right#like everyone else struggles w art and its not.it cant exist Without you struggling and practicing hard and trusting yourself#but in my brain im just convinced that like.i cant do this i cant do this like everyone else can do it like second nature and it freaks me#tf out#but also its the one thing i want to do more than anything else in my life and so like if i cant do it i dont know what to do.ughh.#not me freaking the fuck out rn lawl.lols.even#and on top of it i feel like i cant express myself well and i think my friend. < SOOO awesome and well meaning and NICE and legitimately#pushing me to try and believe that i can do this stuff but i feel like they wont understand the sort of like.mental block im struggling wit#like its less that i hate my art or something i dont its more like.i just feel soo physically restrained and incapable of doing it.suddenly#i cant think and i cant do anything.i have no creativity i have no ideas my mind is quite literally blank and empty
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lmaoooo maffhew wanting the knot immediately and having to wait for sasha to catch up with that is so deeply funny like. this omega is not subtle and you’re not a stupid alpha babe! can only imagine what benny has to say to maffhew about it once he catches on and stops banging his head against a wall
idiots to lovers is always great but especially when its two people who would be hitched with 10 kids by now if they stopped being dumb for a single second like its that easy and yet...
to me they very much fall around the same time (infatuation at first scent if you will) just that sasha takes some time to get there not because he's dumb (okay he's a little dumb) but in the sense that its like "this person is very interested in me, i can see and recognise that but theres so much cognitive dissonance in my brain right now between knowing that intrinsically and finding that hard to believe so i unintentionally play dumb because obviously i'm reading too much into things it cant be me they're interested in haha that'd crazy but they're being awfully touchy and flirty with me wow"
but also it takes two to tango and we have to acknowledge that and this is when i would love to bring up the ways in which this man decides is the best way to go about that because he is a catholic school girlie... there's so much hilarity to be had here especially because his flirting is very uh how you say... a little ass backwards if you will especially considering dynamics
"I make it a point to keep the door closed when we're alone in a room together! That's basically a clear invitation that I'm down to fuck!!! Im basically asking to be ragdolled on his knot!!!"
and Benny just pinches the bridge of his nose like "I don't know how to explain to you in a way you'll understand that not everyone went to Catholic school."
But saying that Sasha does side-eye the door knob heavily when Maffhew goes over to close it the first time and he starts sweating like he just got dragged into a game of 7 Minutes in Heaven he did not sign up for and he's 13 again and oh god he got paired with a really cute girl, and he hasn't even had his first real kiss yet and-
And then absolutely nothing happens because Maffhew is just waiting with a polite expectant smile (because his work here is done, he did the heavy lifting know it's Sasha's turn) and this is when Sasha's dynamic classes training kicks in and he basically scolds himself for even assuming in the first place because this is clearly a show of trust (correct) not an invitation for extra circular activities (incorrect buzzer noise) and it basically becomes "This Omega really trusts me, I'm honoured especially as Pack Leader that I'm able to be so accepted into such a private space with the inherent knowledge that I will not encroach their boundaries whatsoever because consent is verbal, this is not in any way an invitation to take advantage of them this is deep platonic trust I will guard with my life :]"
and if you listen closely you can hear the lovely sounds of Maffhew bashing his head into a wall about how much of a gentleman Sasha is but also COME ONNNNNN... you know... once Maffhew realises what's happening which (looks at my watch) is not due for another few months really
Battle of wills: unstoppable force (maffhews catholic school understanding of dynamic interactions) vs immovable object (overseas alpha cotillion classes)
And if you think it's an Oh! An overseas dynamic thing! It's not. The Euros are watching the horrible car crash in front of them and doing absolutely nothing about it because it's none of their business, but they will stare at it... maybe judge it a bit but definitely are observing from the tall grass.
and I'm also not saying that luosty lundy forsy and bobby have a current running bet of how long it'll take for maffhew to break sasha in but i'm also not not saying that... luosty goaded lundy in the midst of a gossip session ("It has to be 3 months, right?) forsy happened to be around so lundy turned to him for advice ("7 months.") and maybeeee bobby overheard from all the way over from his stall and puts in his two cents for what it's worth ("6. Captain nice but not that nice. Very impatient." "So 3!" "No. Impatience makes him double the time, and wait longer. 6 months.") (lundy finally settles on a good 5 months because he's indecisive)
And Sasha does eventually pick up everything maffhew is throwing down... eventually... and when he does it becomes more so I want to court this omega the way they deserve I will take this slow and romance them sweetly :) *smash cut to maffhew caterwauling like a cat in heat*
but also once again its not like maffhew is helping sasha in any way this is idiot4idiot and benny would like to enjoy the car crash with the euros but unfortunately that's his soulmate, thats his bestie, his littermate from birth who has been weaned on the same teat as they climbed over each other to get to it, the first girl you kissed in your childhood bedroom because somehow you started play fighting on the bed because she was like i could totally pin you down easy and then she does and you always noticed how beautiful she was but shes even more gorgeous when she's pinning your wrists to your hannnah montana duvet you promised yourself youd changed out before she came over but you forget and well she teased you about it and you cant help but giggle about how perfect this all is and it seems that the natural conclusion to this is to taste the strawberry lipgloss of her lips because whats a kiss between besties huh its tacky and sticky and it tastes like summer and just other apt metaphors to put here about the inherent -isms of their relationship that i nearly cant put to words properly other than girls having fun (they are fucking)
and well anyways benny is watching and he has a lot of things to say about how its been proceeding so far
"You should really use your words."
"I am!"
"Right because smelling like a fucking perfume shop in the middle of October is using your words."
"This usually works with most Alphas okay!"
"Sasha isn't most Alphas."
"Tell me about it." Matthew grouses before he peeks over to Sam, looking up from beneath his eyelashes—the exact way he knows both endears him to Sam but also absolutely miffs him all the same, "Worked on you, didn't it?"
"Oh, is that what we're doing right now? We're calling getting a lapful of a preening O in preheat in the middle of a roadie a normal way to go about these things."
"It worked didn't it?" Matthew reiterates.
"It would work better if you use—"
"Okay! Alright!! I get it!!!" He does not.
like benny here is unfortunately an active listening participant in the going ons of the fuckery if not because hes involved by proxy because of maffhew because who else will hold his hair back as he calls him a dumb bitch you know
#ask#i dont think we nearly take enough advantage of maffhew going to a catholic prepatory school#my friend who went to catholic schooling his whole life until highschool (where we met) dropped the bombshell of the door thing on me#to which i went you have to be fucking with me that cant be real and then i was like well i guess its good we're both boys then-#and then he goes oh my mom knows im queer the rule applies to boys too#and i just nervously looked over to the door knob like well uh maybe we should open the door? i dont want your mom to be mad-#and he was like oh shes convinced we've been fucking since we met so this is allowed youre the only boy she lets do this (the door thing)#a couple of years later when he moved out i found out friends weren't allowed over if he was alone in the house but i was the only exceptio#and i felt like the equivalent of a roving tomcat who keeps wandering into the gardens and got the neighbours cat daisy pregnant#i dont think i could ever look that woman in the eye after all that#this is all to say catholic schooling does things to you man#anyways i do have to reiterate every kitty is fucking each other on a normal basis and in an abo au it gets even worse#making our whorehouse a whorehome#ive always said this but flirting with a virgo is like flirting with a brickwall#actually thatd be an insult to the brickwall because at least the brickwall would give you something to work with#the humble virgo looks you in the eyes before they crush your ego with a single word and youre like thank you mistress may i have another#i feel for maffhew i really do#theres just so many funny ways this just goes terribly wrong because both maffhew and sasha are inherently messy people#matthew and sasha on a team outing sat next to each other in a booth and matthew gets a little tipsy and starts rubbing his cheek#on sashas shoulder and sasha is just looking over to benny like please. help. and benny just snorts and blatantly ignores#him as he continues to sip on his beer and sasha just turns to ekky and silently pleads with his eyes. PLEASE. HELP.#ekky huffs and looks away very much not thrilled about being involved in any form whatsoever and hes not gonna change his mind about this#*5 minutes later* and ekky finds himself switching spots with sasha with a cuddly maffhew on his arm and he's a little disgruntled about it#but its very hard to stay upset when maffhew keeps mumbling about how nice he smells and keeps trying to scent him#all over like he has any right to lay a claim when hes been in the pack for such a short time#and yeah okay maybe he preens a little bit at the compliment like just a little#and maybe he does like being treated like a glorified scratching post but matthew doesnt need to know that (matthew knows that)#well anyways
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something something theres an essay to be written about how the fact neither falin/marcille or laios/marcille are confirmed but both could easily be the way it goes is probably intentionally so the themes of family dont get lost but unfortunately the yuri community is just as bad at understanding that theme 😔
#like the important thing is that the three of them are so intensely important to each other and i think not confirming but giving leanings#towards the possibi. im being so genuine right now ive forgotten my entire train of thought and cant bring it back#MY CONCUSSION.#like something something at least laimars dont seem convinced that its like Actually the only main takeaway you should have#idk its very frustrating seeing the important of laios to both of them get written out of analysis posts because people are like#scrambling to make farcille realer than laimar when both earnestly have perfectly balanced points going towards each#and dont get me wrong IM a yuri warrior but im just perpetually disappointed by dunmeshi fans analysis of the series from all angles#lemon squeezy.txt
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#damn . if i like. ever did something wrong i wonder why they dont just talk to me about it#like idk i thought when they like. vagued about *someone* i had to convince myself that it wasnt me#like i literally went through our messages to make sure i didnt say anything wrong#but apparently it was me after all? i just wish they wouldve. idk. talked to me about it#it feels so hypocritical? why are you allowed to say what you think and im not#unless i actually did what you claimed but i cant remember this happening nor can i find messages where it happens#and even then instead of vaguing about me when you know im not doing well you can just approach me#or is there a whole different reason? do you avoid me because of something else? am i just not on your level after all?#if it was any other person i wouldnt have cared so much but they were one of the first friends i made there#we worked out so well in the beginning and now you realised im not who you thought i was and instantly replaced me#why does this shit ALWAYS happen to me? is there something wrong with me or is it everyone around me?#this is why i dont approach people. this is why im so intimidated by others. it doesnt work. ill always end up being less.#everyone always ends up being better and more and i am the replacable one. idk. just sucks
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#i need to say this somewhere. like. tangible where people can see it and so im not alone or something#and i cant do it on twitter for reasons#and i cant do it on bluesky for reasons#and i cant really talk to anyone one on one for reasons#so i have this friend. and at first they were just really cool and funny but i shouldve fucking known better#because this happens to me so goddamn often#fell in love with them#because OF COURSE i did#but its almost impossible for us to be together. for reasons.#and at first i was okay with that and i still kind of am because having them as a friend is also amazing#like genuinely theyre a wonderful friend#but part of me also is in so much fucking pain over it like its starting to physically hurt me#im writing poetry abt this guy i made a playlist i made a pinterest board im fucking cooked#and every time i talk to him i feel like i fumbled it all#i havent yet i just have issues that convince me i did but so far we're still really close#i just overreact#im still so scared that one day theyre gonna go “actually youre a creep fucking weirdo and im not talking to you any more” im fucking#im so sure its gonna happen#theyre gonna notice eventually if they havent already#and then im really gonna be fucked#i just hope i dont annoy them as much as i fear i do and i hope they like talking to me as much as i like talking to them and#yeah#im kind of down bad#in the worst way
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okay sorry for having opinions on sonic shipping but . the more popular a ship is the more likely i am to be annoyed by it so its probably for the best that my favorite ship is one of the not as popular ones . but also the way sonknux gets talked about (or not talked about) as a result of it being less popular drives me up the wall . what do you mean it doesnt make sense. hes literally not staring at the moon and thinking about him💔
#theyre literally the sun and the moon and you dont even CARE ....#okay but ive actually seen random sonknux posts get a bunch of comments from so/nadow and kn/uxouge fans#along the lines of ''umm i prefer so/nadow :/'' or ''this doesnt make any sense so/nadow is better'' or ''nooo knuckles likes rouge''#like ohhhh my godddd shut UP#anyway theres so many things that sonic and knuckles have done that if it was sonic and amy or knuckles and rouge#or sonic and shadow doing it instead it would get labelled as peak romance#i know this to be true because it literally already happens sonic and knuckles do something gay and its cricket noises#then sonic and shadow do the same thing later. sometimes in the same show/comic/whatever . and it gets reposted everywhere . what#hell none of the other pairings i mentinoed even have to do what sonic and knuckles do they just have to stand near eachother#and people start freaking out ...#also im not saying youre legally obligated to like sonknux too if you like so/nadow or that you cant prefer so/nadow#but. if you think so/nadow makes perfect sense and have convinced yourself that its basically canon and every interaction between them#is a hint from sega that theyre secretly dating or something and you make the biggest reaches imaginable to prove it#while also thinking that sonknux doesnt make any sense at all and labelling it as a crackship or whatever#i can only assume that you arent paying attention to anything that happens in knuckles centric stuff#and/or being That obsessed with so/nadow has just heavily warped your perception of things. because how#and its not even just so/nadow .. knu/xouge is constantly overshadowing sonknux too#but at least so/nadow is actually okay its only crime is being too popular and having some annoying fans as a result#knu/xouge on the other hand is too popular and has a lot of annoying fans AND sucks . which is worse#but so/nadow is one i find myself comparing it to more often because its another gay pairing#and also people are obsessed with taking stuff from sonic and knuckles' relationship/interactions and giving it to sonic and shadow instead#and acting like knuckles doesnt exist and stuff that sonic and knuckles did first is exclusive to sonic and shadow or something#whatever . runs away
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Had an ADHD assessment a few years ago and the fuckwit that assessed me said, as a direct quote, "You're too smart to have ADHD." Like that's not any type of paraphrasing, that stupid fucking statement is burned in my brain forever and has been since I heard it.
I talked to my psychiatrist about getting a referral to a different psychologist for assessment, and she agreed and sent it in.
Today I got a call that said they don't agree that I need reassessment, and I'm welcome to pursue it elsewhere, but they won't provide reassessment. Which is just.
I don't even know where to start with that one. I just needed to get it out. I'm so tired.
#'we really dont think youre adhd so were not even going to let you pay to check again'#WHAT#thats an option?#they can just say that they really dont think its a problem for me so they wont waste their time?#the first fuckwit that assessed me said im too fucking smart to have adhd!!#thats not a fucking compliment and every professional ive spoken to since then has said 'yesh thats not right tey for reassessment'#i just had to write this down because#this morning i was showering before work and they called me and left a message#so i checked the message right before work cuz i saw it was them and i assumed they wanted to set up the reassessment#because i got a referral. but theur message literally just said that bullshit#and because it was right before work i had to pack that away#because trying to deal with that in addition to a shift at fucking mcdonalds wouldve killed me#but because i set it aside i just keep forgetting about it. so i needed to write this down to remind myself#that this is my life and this is the bullshit i get to deal with in this life#im so tired. i dont even know what to say here. what to think or anything#'youre too smart to have adhd. we're so sure of that that we're not gonna check again. waste someone else's time. bye!'#i wish the world worked the way healthcare 'professionals' think it works#what a beautiful world it would be. you could lose weight just by trying and when you lose weight all of your health problems disappear!#you cant have any mental health problems if you are smart or seem kinda normal or are a woman#i am resisting the urge to. i don't even know. i want to do something angry and destructive but i don't even care#at least now i dont have to drive two hours and pay $160 just to be told that i am too smart to have problems#and actually all of my problems are due to my anxiety and the fact that im female#god i wish that was the case. ill go on t if it makes my problems valid. would you like that?#what do i have to do to convince people i have problems? i will fully physically transition to be taken more seriously#would that help?? would that fucking help???????????????#anyway. i was about to say i wish i wasnt mentally ill. but i dont#being mentally ill is chill. its like a roommate that lives up there and weve lived together awhile so its chill#the only problem are the idiots they pay to deal with mental illness. at this point i dont think they have qualifications#theyre just bringing in men off the street. and theyre the real problem. goodnight folks#dont have the audacity to be mentally ill in this economy. its not worth it
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not much i can do about or with people who have a fundamental misunderstanding of reality.
#mood#vent#we're clearly never gonna reach a middle ground here. i can tell you what it is a million times and it wont matter bc you've already#dug your heels in. and theres no way for us to healthily interact after that point. bc in many ways you perpetuate the abuse my abuser#put me through and *wants* other people to put me through. consciously or not.#and i cant just keep subjecting myself to people like that.#i hope some day you actually realize what your doing and actually try to like... be a better person n all but like until then you're just#gonna keep convincing yourself that abusing me and isolating me is morally just in some way. and i think i deserve better than that now.#i dont mean this to sound snarky tho ik its gonna come off that way but im genuinely sorry that you believe lies so easily.#bc ik what its like to struggle with that and not knowing what reality is so you just conclude something and not want to think about it#bc you never know whos telling the truth. if there was some way i could just *SHOW* you that im telling the truth I would but obviously#i cant. i just hope you believing those lies doesnt end you up in a shittier situation. or at least that the veil will eventually be lifted#i know how convincing they are and thats why im basically begging and pleading with you to be fucking careful#think whatever you're gonna think about me to confirm your bias's or whatever tf idc but at least fucking be careful around them.#at least fucking heed my fucking warning a little bit. it might save you from going through the same shit i did.#i mean- i do care. it hurts obviously. but i dont care enough to try to control and stop you is what i mean.
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ohhhb venting...
#its getting bad again!#and i don't know how to talk about any of it#my brains main thoughts throughout the day are 'im going to fucking throw up' and 'i should kill myself'#the anxiety has been giving me legitimate chest pains lately (i think its the anxiety)#and i cant lie down to sleep without my brain going all ballistic and self deprecating#i relapsed sh again and i fucking hate it because i was almost a year clean#it got so bad my brother dmed me asking if im okay#i have to be positiveee this is a manic depressive episodeee i wont do anything permanent#i feel like im gonna throw up. and kill myself. i wont. but oh my fucking god i thought i was over this#i dont know what to tell my brother like do i admit im fucking losing my mind or do i try and keep it palatable.#like 'yeah ive been uhh convincing myself not to walk into the street on the way home wbu'#what even is there to say#i feel like im too much for what im worth#people care about me and it only makes their lives harder#people have problems and theyre all my fault#i wish i could just not exist. even if for a short period pf time#i feel like im bringing more stress and anger into this world than the good things that come of me#i feel like everyone that gives me a chance is going to end up hating me#i feel like everyone that loves me will only see who i really am and end up resenting me#i feel like i cant breathe without ruining something good for someone#im sorry#i dont think ill ever feel like im truly doing okay
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I wish my brain wasn't so sucks
#im ok to br clear. i just struggle to place any value at all on my own opinions#therapist says something about my parents and peers demeaning me for my every thought as a child. or something#which makes sense#its just that i know objectively its silly right?#like if someone says Finn from AT sucks and they cant stand the show because of it#like character opinions are the mlst subjective thing ever!! its literally so okay!!! calm down!! arggf#objective brain knows thats fine and literally doesn't matter#but that knowledge doesnt stop me from spiraling in a way that sometimes takes like a half hour to bring myself down from#or to like convince myself people dont hate me for my preferences and I'm not somehow an iredeemably bad person for liking the wrong cartoon#and this is no ones fault. again its fine and something im getting better at dealing with#i just wish it wasnt so hard. and i wish i didjt feel like a dumbass every time it happened#bit of a vent! sorry!! im just having a tough week and little things have been . worse#baz talks
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goodnight-not-goodnight tumblr :)
(im going to go curl up and write for a while. probably also work on writing down some concepts for fics i need to work on)
#haunted ecosystem#animal death#for the tags#im veeeery tired and my emotions are a little out of wack (had a weird day yesterday and my brain hasnt fully caught up yet so. yeah)#today is a day where i feel like a scared rabbit in the world.#i know i have a whole bit about being super content and loving and happy and all that but people are people yknow?#its hard to kill something thats embedded in the very way you function. you cant convince your heart to stop beating because it hurts#etc etc dont mind me ^_^ im just putting my thoughts into words.#i realize a lot of stuff i do circles around to rabbits and dogs. dead or alive it doesnt matter.#you handle enough dying animals you learn to embed that into the way you think and work. i forgot most people arent used to that stuff#to most people death is a rarity to avoid. to me its just a part of life. every few months im holding something as it dies.#its interesting. i appreciate death in the same way i hear people talk of life. its beautiful in its own way.
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nothing to see here
#ok plz i wanna rant about how the new season of good omens is making me lose faith in humanity#girl tell me how ive trudged through 4 episodes of this season and i still dont know what the damn hell is going onnnnnn#every time i think we're getting somewhere with the 'story' the show slams the brakes to let me know that there're gay people on screen#does the coffee shop chick ever apologize to the record store chick bc i cant staaaand their romance.#like record store lady. girl. this isnt banter shes just straight up dissing your passion and life's work.#im scared to finish the season bc i just KNOW theyre gonna pull the whole 'i made u leave ur toxic partner now date me immediately' trope#ok so story beats aside my other gripe is how contrived the queer representation is in this show#i am a bi woman! my reaction to seeing wlw on screen should be 'yay! im happy theyre together' and not 'ugh this shit again?'#and also with az and crowley! what happened to their chemistry from the first season???#like on the one hand the whole 'bickering like an old married couple' schtick is lovely. but. theyre just faffing about most of the time!#remember the first season? when these characters had agency? and a semblance of intuition?#i am convinced that the majority of the characters in this season couldnt find their way out of a paper bag#i get theres a whole memory loss plot device thing happening. but it feels like Gabriel's cluelessness is like fucking infectious or smthn#i feel like an idiot for assuming that the characters i knew from the first season will be just as competent in this season. they arent!#i hated the whole 'continued' story in the wwii era. i feel like it was a pathetic ploy at giving mark gatiss more needless screentime#did they think people would find the nazi zombies amusing or something? why are we playing this off as a joke?#just admit you dont know what to do with the story and move onnnnnnnn#im gonna finish the season bc i feel like im owed the scene of david tennant sucking face with michael sheen.#itll be like reparations for having to slough through the rest of this nothing burger of a story jesuuuuuussss#ok rant over#good omens critical
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Hiiii it's me again the nanba hater!
Adding to a conversation that's been over for like a day.
I liked the combat in y3 not because it was good but it was the only game where i used the grabbing mechanics. I also shot everything with guns witch helped.
The dragon engine games where much much worse. Y6 was pretty bad but i played yk2 before it so i was kinda used to it.
Yk2 was pretty bad too, it's a bit less buggy than y6 but I remember gliding and flying around alot especially in that first fight with ryuji.
Yk2 feels worse because i played yk1 before it and yk1 is easily one of the best battle wise.
Like a dragon is easily the worst, it's way to time consuming and it makes me very dizzy.
All of the dragon engine games generally feel slow and like kiryu or the party don't respond quickly enough and when they do they have very long animations. Y3 also feelt very slow but I like it because it matches the shitty graphics and I'm biased toward old crunchy games.
Doing pretty well in like a dragon! I have everyone at tier 5 bond except Nanba and Eri. I only have less than a week to finish the game before i go on holiday for 3 weeks wish me luck 😭😭
'nanba hater' is such a funny title but i cant argue with the 'hater' part ☠️☠️☠️
i agree with the dragon engine games though: the physics are really funny, but at times they really dont feel right or feel too floaty. the ps3 era games do feel the most grounded next to the unreal engine games imo
best of luck at finishing the game on time !
#snap chats#every time you guys come in here telling me you hate Y7's play style i scream but i also know i cant be mad#i just have to assume/cope with the idea not a lot of people play rpgs or just arent used to the style change#because- and ill be blue in the face before i stop saying this- y7 is one of the easiest rpgs ive ever played#sin the jimas fight it isnt super demanding grind or strategy wise#but i cant convince people to like something if they just dont like it im just saying all this for MY comfort so i feel less insane LVKJAEL#because compared to like. P4 where i remember doing SO much grinding for various levels.... y7 is a blessing#i love p4 i've loved it for years and i'll never stop loving it but bruh that game can get dummy long#in any case you dont really have to raise eri's bond levels but Of Course it helps. and also she's just lovely as a chara and i adore her#which is weird to say since She Is 1000% Based On A Real Person just beyond being mocapped#with nanba i mean.. if you dont like him you really can skip him. he's a pretty lame party member by the time he comes back#but if you do want to figure out the rest of his social link then of course that's a fine reason to wanna conclude him
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dont mind the vent in the tags
#i am just exhausted#shit was really bad and then it was getting better and my job in food service sucked every bit of humanity from me#if you ever worked in food service and havent become a misanthrope#respect. i mean it#im currently on sick leave bc whenever i came home i was filled with such an indescribable rage and it literally wouldnt stop until hours#after i got home. but this also means ive lost every real life contact outside my family except for one. and thats someone i met on a dating#app. i have never had many friends and for a few years i havent any irl#right now i know i should rest because in theory i know i deserve it but i also cant sit around doing nothing#and i feel like just resting isnt something im allowed to do#ive hurt so many people. never on purpose. but i have#and ive been trying not to crucify myself for it but its so fucking hard#ive tried to keep going. ive tried focusing on whats good in my life#but the more im left to my own devices the more i realize that my life is so fucking empty#im stuck and everyone elses world keeps turning and everyone is so occupied with their own shit and#i dont know how the world has space for me anymore#there are people i loved so much and#i just dont understand why i am the way i am at this point#i cant help but feel like nobodys actually listening to me. like the only people listening are the ones too far away to ever hold me#i feel like all my life the world has been behind a pane of glass i cannot penetrate no matter how hard i try#ive tried tools ive tried hammers ive tried tears ive tried my bare fists ive tried running into it#and all i am to the world is a stupid adorable butterfly so full of potential jt hurts. i am sick of being “so full of potential”#i am sick of being told to keep trying when all i get in return is a slap in the face#everyones world keeps turning and mine only does when i am doing things that do not fulfill me or bring me joy#why cant my life be as full and joyful as that of others? why cant i have what everyone else has?#it has always felt like there was something deeply wrong with me. not because i think there is but because everyone else has been doing#their damndest to convince me of it. and i am so fucking tired - why does the world treat me like i am unimportant#vent tw#cw vent#vent cw#tw vent
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#thinking about a lot of stuff rn but mostly how I'm well aware a lot of people in my life don't actually like me being around#and i don't know why i don't know what's wrong with me that makes this the case#i got a couple people who i think do actually care about me and enjoy my presence and enjoy being my friend#but theres so many more that id convonced myself were my friends and i can tell theyre all tired of me but dont wanna be the first to say it#and i dont understand i dont understand i dont unterstand i dont understandit at all#for a minute there id convinced myself it was some mental illness shit and that i had a handle on why this was the case and i could work#theough that i could deal wih that but its gotta be something else its gotta be somethinga actually legitimately wrong with me and i dont#know what it is. i just wish i knew what it was i just wanna know why#i dont want folks to pity me or pretend they wanna be my friends cos they think other folks want me around i cant tell that youre being fake#i dont wanna be making folks feel like they have to put up with me#what did i do? what am i doing? why?#i feel like im a kid again and everyone hates me and i cant figure out whay im doing wrongi dont know why im not able to just be a person#i hope this will pass by morning#i have to hope that even if i know it wont
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man it sucks so many people on here have absolutely convinced themselves that entire categories of consumer goods like perfume are bougie. you are depriving yourself of little treats by just assuming you cant ever afford anything! this isnt an avocado toast post either im not saying 'just save up and buy it lol', i would never say that, what im saying is perfume (that is: scents in liquid, paste, oil or solid form intended to be worn as a personal adornment) as a commodity starts at "free" and gradually increases in price from there. my favorite perfumes are priced everywhere between $0 and $300. one of the most lauded amber scents in the world (regrettably JUST discontinued), "Amber Paste" by Kuumba Made, is one of those little hippie oils you get at Whole Foods and it cost $10.
and im not telling you to wear perfume, obviously people have allergies and shit, or just dont care for it, im talking to the people who WANT to own fragrances. im saying they aren't all going to cost $150.
you can also get unlimited (unlimited over a long enough timeline, they limit you to a couple or three per visit) free samples at a lot of sephoras and nordstroms if you live somewhere that has those stores (this depends on the location and a lot of other organic factors, you'll have to check ahead of time or just try it if you're nearby, it's sort of random). if you're actually buying something at sephora (and they have a lot of stuff that isn't a million dollars as well, despite their branding) ask for every free sample at checkout that they have. they will often load you up, and not just with perfume. secondhand outlets like Value Village and Goodwill also do huge business in perfume because people are ALWAYS donating it.
sephora also does perfume refills. if you actually do buy a full size bottle, they can refill it for much less than buying a whole new bottle of the stuff. i don't know exactly how much it costs because i havent used this service myself. and idk how careful yiou have to be about reeceipts either, but look into it if you bought a full size and its running out
idk it just bums me out there are all these people who actually want perfume and seem to think it's out of their price range. the really basement-tier dupes of popular brand scents are so good these days it's often worth dropping the $10 at Walmart or Rite Aid too.
some of my favorite ever perfumes were some weird crap i got in a crystal wizard store, or a drug store, or a goodwill, or whatever. if you want perfume you can get it
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