#but i can't keep spiralling in thoughts like this
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the day your heart stops yearning - pedro pascal x female reader
summary: pedro is tired of the two of you dancing around your feelings for each other.
word count: 1.2k
content warnings: bitta jealously, insecurity from reader, mentions of sex, suggestive comments etc. Pedro is the loml I swear these new pictures have altered my brain chemistry.
Wrapping the towel around yourself tightly, you sit down as your swimsuit soaks through the material. Hair dripping wet and skin cooled down from the sea water. Pedro looked incredible, his hair wet and curly. Droplets of water running down his toned chest.
His board shorts tighten and stick to his thighs and crotch. Swallowing thickly, you help him put his sling back on to support his shoulder injury.
“Magnificent, isn’t it?” His voice calls to you softly, drawing you out of your thoughts, every time you were with Pedro, you seemed to be lost in them. Somewhere far away from him.
There’s a moment's hesitation where you process what he’s said, reeling yourself back to the serenity around you. The two of you are on a small boat, surrounded by clear blue water, bright and mirroring the clearness of the sky. Not a cloud in sight.
There’s a formation of an unnaturally curved rock, shaped by erosion, perhaps the gods. The sight would’ve been worthy of such creation. Pedro was wearing nothing but his multi-coloured board shorts, and a deep blue sling.
“That doesn’t even come close to it. I can't describe how it feels to be here.”
With you.
But the words are lost, dying on the tip of your tongue as they had many times before. More often than not the two of you had done this, your own separate outing together aside from everyone, co-stars and friends.
“How’s your shoulder feeling?” The concerned murmur is met with a smile that he reserved for you. All teeth baring and eye wrinkles exposing themselves, the smile that reaches his eyes. His deep brown orbs aren’t much to be seen now, eyes squinted as he laughs.
“You’re worrying about me at a place like this?” He tilts his head, the one curl from his messy brown mop of hair falls onto his forehead, and he runs his hand through it, pushing the hair back off his skin.
He’d always found a way to lighten the mood, sending some kind of solemnness emitting from you today, he knew you better than anyone. The feeling had his insides clenching with anxiety.
It had been happening for years, the two of you having some unspoken moments where you couldn’t deny that there was a connection between you, something so effortless and heart wrenching at the same time. So many unspoken words and almost confessions.
“Hey,” he draws you out of your head again, lost in the fog of heartache and doubt.
He looked so good with Connie, that’s all you’d thought about since you’d flown to Malta with Pedro. They seemed so perfect for each other—the way he looked at her while he filmed their shared scenes. It felt real.
“Don’t worry about me, I’m just thinking about some things.” It was easy to brush off, or to pretend to anyway.
“Since when do you keep things from me? Somethings going on with you, come on, spill your heart to me honey.” Meeting his gaze, the brown orbs suck you into an intoxicating familiarity of the love you so desperately crave.
“Can this wait? I don’t want to ruin all of this.” Gesturing to the view, the lapping sound of the water against the side of the boat, the gentle rocking sensation sends your stomach spiralling into more unease.
“You aren’t ruining anything, talk to me.” Setting his can of beer down, he shuffles closer to you, placing his hand on your exposed thigh. “Talk to me.” He pleads again.
“I miss you.” The simply utter broke the silence between you, cutting through the background noise.
He knew what you meant. There hadn’t been much time for the two of you to see each other. Between filming for Gladiator II and the new Fantastic Four franchise. Yet—he knew it ran deeper than that.
You missed the picnics, the shared gazes of knowing and mutual love. The late night dancing and his hands running through your hair, the two of you unable to let go of one another.
The sex you miss, too. But not nearly enough as you crave for his skin on your own, for his hand in yours and his heart in your hands.
“Oh, sweetheart—“ he sounds so sweet, so sincere, but you cut him off anyway.
“Pedro.. don’t. We don’t need to do this today.”
He stares at you, wondering what’s happening in that head of yours.
“You know how I feel about you, right?” He murmurs, tracing unnamed shapes over your skin.
“I suppose so.” All he gets is an uncertain shrug from you.
He frowns, the stress lines on his face appear on his forehead. “My heart is yours, sweetheart.” He utters your name softly, fingers leaving your thigh to caress your cheek.
“What’s it matter how we feel? We can’t be together. You practically are married to the entire internet and it’s not practical for us to date.” Finally, he was getting to the root of it all.
“Fuck being practical,” he murmurs. “Tell me how you feel, just say it to me, I’ll do right by you.”
It feels like your throat is swelling up, preventing you from uttering the words you’ve longed to tell him for years. Somehow, you blurt them out in an anxious whisper.
“I love you.”
Before you could process the admittance of your love, he had pressed his own lips softly against yours. It certainly wasn’t the first time you’d kissed, but this time felt more authentic.
Your fingers caress his face, his facial hair tickles your fingers as you hold him against you, his nose is pressed into your cheek and it’s a little awkward. But your heart is pounding erratically in this moment, eyes closed and focusing on the feeling of his lips, his hand clutches the back of your neck.
After a few moments, he pulls away from you, pupils blown wide take up most of the mass around the deep brown iris. “I love you,” the whisper in return was made against your lips, his nose against your own.
“Tell me you’re mine, that we’re going to do this properly.” He pleads, he’s too close for you to look at anything but his eyes. The pleading gaze of hope in them.
“I want that, want you.”
The words aren’t lost on him, the entire afternoon is spent in seclusion, the two of you holding each other, kissing and wrapped around each other as if you were two halves of a whole.
Your fingers are white, lathered in sunscreen as you apply the substance on Pedro’s back. “We really should’ve done this hours ago.” You scold lightly, to which he laughs, shaking his head.
As you trace his back while you’re applying the sunscreen, making sure to cover all the freckles on his skin, and his arms as you trail down. Fingers running up the muscled limb as you return to the base of his neck to give a light massage.
He’s not subtle when it comes to how you made him feel, a loud breathy groan escapes his lips.
“Feel good?” The purr turns his cheeks red—he turns to you.
“Such a tease. If we weren’t in public you’d be in trouble.”
“Maybe we should head back to the hotel now then?”
He perks at your suggestion. The corner of his lip tugs upward in a slight smirk. Pleased with the idea of having you all to himself.
“My girls just got all the right ideas, don’t she?”
My girl—his girl. After years of pining and yearning over more from him, he’s given you the chance you’d dreamed of.
#Pedro pascal#pedro pascal fluff#pedro pascal comfort#pedro pascal x you#Pedro pascal fic#Pedro pascal x female reader#Pedro pascal boyfriend#this man is so fine
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Pointing out little moments and details of the last yr scene.
wilmon endgame • episode 6
the camera work is so on point - it follows wille around moving frenetically, as to emphasize the hurry and the tension.
simon gets in panic mode for a sec. he was never over wilhelm but definitely thought their relationship was.
at first he looks ... scared - not of wille but of what he feels for him at this point. he's still in love but they got to the finish line, they broke up with no idea of when or if they will talk to each other again, there's no reason for wille to chase after him if not to change something.
it makes his thoughts spiral, but somewhere in his little heart he has a lot of hope too and that's why he steps out of the car to hear what he has to say.
these words really mean everything and i'm glad they're told directly to simon. it's such a sigh of relief for wilhelm to get this off his chest and mean it for real: he's doing something for his own sake finally - to be free, to be happy, to be in control of his own life for once.
he never got to choose anything - somebody else has always done it for him - but he no longer has to be afraid anymore.
simon is just as relieved and the proudest: he proved over and over again to care so deeply. to see wilhelm constantly hurting inevitably hurt him too.
he knew wille was brave - he actually told him once - and he was so right. it takes a lot of courage to do what wille just did.
shut up he's adorable :') playing with his fingers and trying not to break into a smile. he wants to look calm and collected but his heart is jumping out of happiness.
this comes after the are you sure you're over me? - breaking up was all it took for wille to think that simon must not love him anymore: to earn love and for everything to be perfect in order to deserve love is what his family and royal life always taught him - but simon's what the hell do you think? proves him so wrong.
the tears in his eyes i cannot - this is the face of a man who's bursting out of love, he adores simon this much.
they crush into the hug like they've been dying to do it. what a moment it must be for them to close the distance.
in this hug they find what they both were needing the most.
they hold on to each other. emotions are so overwhelming and it's written all over their faces - it feels too good to be real.
it's almost scary to let go now and i love how they tighten the hug at the same time, clinging to make it last longer.
and they're at the same height so simon has to be on his tippy toes ahsjkh.
oh the beauty in simon feeling every emotion to the fullest and letting them all out. he doesn't hold himself back and it is truly heartwarming to watch.
this hug is healing - he's giving joy to be back in wille's arms, proud of wille for putting himself first, relief because the fear of losing him was too much to handle.
the single tear drop and the pure disbelief in his expression. he caresses wille's cheek and keeps looking at him like he's the most precious thing.
doing the triangle method - again. old habits never die huh.
wille letting simon choose to whether kiss him or not.
it's our simon we're talking about, the one that risked it all and initiated their very first kiss bc he liked wille that much already, so could he possibly not do that now? he obviously does and can't help but smile into it.
they can't get enough of kissing and wandering hands. it's like their only way to make this become more and more real.
fair to say they're kinda obsessed with each other's hair!
love love looove the transition from them kissing in secret in the dark of the night to them kissing freely out in the open in the daylight - the most beautiful metaphor.
completely different plot points but the feelings involved are so familiar - reunion kisses are very much their brand: there's longing, passion, need to savor the moment to make it last.
and this time it can really last forever.
something super special about simon not replying with i love you too but sticking to i love you - it is not just reciprocal.
this shot haunts me. it's from the documentary and idk why it wasn't used in the final cut, i'll make space for it here anyway!
wille can't stop smiling and simon never takes his eyes off of him - he's emotionally overwhelmed by the way he bites his lip and his chin trembles. my heart.
no ray of sunshine between them could ever distract me from wilhelm diving into this kiss with his eyes open.
simon is definitely being pulled closer by the waist here and i take it very personally.
i was already full on sobbing when this part of the scene came up - sara and felice calling them out bc they are too caught up in their own bubble.
they still take one more moment to just look at each other so fondly tho and try to get a grip on what has just happened.
i get you wille! simon is the loml too.
this shot is sooo!!! hillerska in the rear view mirror as they drive away - time for the last bittersweet goodbye.
all of them are wearing white, they're driving off in a white car, most carefree than ever - sounds a lot like freedom and fresh start.
some things never change - they're the most comfortable and happy when they can be just them, just like this.
god knows where they're headed but it doesn't really matter as long as they're together.
wilmon endgame babyyyy.
they've been through so much but come so far eventually. it's the end of young royals but the beginning of a new chapter in wilmon story - the best one - and it's only theirs to write from now on.
it's still going to be tough, storms are still about to come their way and ruin plans, life is a mess but at least they have each other. they're holding hands in a we are in this together kind of promise and it's so reassuring to know.
it was a hell of a ride but love and hope wins - and there's truly no one who deserves it more than them.
time to appreciate the comparison between wille the perfect crown prince and messy hair with undone shirt wille!
he looks at the audience for the very last time with the most content smile and we can tell he really is - ready. to leave us behind, to face the future, to experience life in the way we've seen him fight for before.
wilmon breaking the fourth wall together at the end would've been insane, but it feels so right to focus on wille actually: it's always been just him, it all started with our eyes on him and his journey, the choice to abdicate is for his own sake and not for simon - he said it himself - so for him to be alone in the closing shot makes the most sense to me.
wilhelm finally getting his own little family of people who loves and values him, simon sharing life with the person who's made him feel seen and cared for - this is honestly the best finale we could’ve ever asked for.
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THIS.... OH MY GOD. THIS.
...THIS IS SUCH A GREAT ANALYSIS. THIS MAKES ME LOVE JAX EVEN MORE EVEN THOUGH I HAVE THE TENDENCY TO HATE ASSHOLE CHARACTERS.
And admittedly enough, if this analysis needs proof that this can happen to people in real life, I think I'm proof enough of that. I'm a person who doesn't really deal with what life throws at me very well, like yeah sure, I can act silly and goofy online but the moment I step away from the screen and reality seeps in?
... All I can really say is that I don't have a good coping mechanism for all the trauma I went through growing up in an abusive household. I even remember how it started: Memorizing the entire Kung Fu Panda movies and going to a secluded area, pretending I'm the characters because it came from a place of wanting to beat up my physically and verbally abusive, asshole of a father.
I'm not even kidding; sometimes when things are really really bad for me, I'll stare off into a wall or the floors and imagine an invisible audience that can hear my thoughts as they observe me like you would a TV show, and those thoughts slowly devolve into a third person narration that's either describing my motivation, my plans, my next move, or talking like it's an entirely separate entity from me.
When I'm in the bathroom, I talk to myself like I'm in a talk show in order to lessen the buzzing thoughts occupying my head. Keeping silent so that my cover isn't blown.
I've even entertained my friends that I prefer to be an NPC and while I don't say it to them often (because of fear of being thought of mentally insane, who could imagine), it always crosses my mind when I walk down a street, thinking "what if I was a background character, experiencing the world that I'm meant to be worldbuilding fodder for".
Listening to music helps stop these thoughts because the music blasts it all out, leaving no space for any crazy thoughts like that.
But to hear this analysis and to finally understand what pulls me to Jax that other asshole characters can't.... it's... I don't know how to feel. A part of me feels seen, but a part is also just... preventing me from further spiraling at the realization.
It's scary to admit this. It's downright horrifying, even, that I have a pit forming at my stomach as I tell this. To not only admit it to myself, but to also admit this publicly, where people would think I'm not mentally sound. Perhaps I am, perhaps I actually need help as much as I wanna say I don't, but I still wanna get this out there.
With Gooseworx all but confirming that the Jax being an AI thing is bullshit, I personally want to talk about an interesting part about Jax that a lot of theorists used as "evidence" that validates the theory:
Jax's fourth wall breaks are a common topic brought up amongst the "Jax is an NPC" theory. After all, Caine broke the fourth wall in the pilot, knowing full well that the world of The Amazing Digital Circus isn't real and is talking to some unseen viewer as he introduces the Circus Crew.
There's also this bit of official art surrounding Jax's pin:
Where everyone else is inside their room, Jax is outside as pieces of the circus fall apart around him and all of reality to crash. Certainly lends itself to this idea that Jax knows he's not a real person and that his presence could cause great disruption to this world. And he doesn't care because none of it is real. Might as well have fun and cause chaos in a world that doesn't exist.
And I'll admit, all of this seems like valid claims for how the theory could be true. I saw it all and thought that it surely COULD be possible...but there are some things that stop me from being convinced.
Firstly, Caine breaking the fourth wall in the pilot doesn't really seem like an AI talking to the audience. It looks more like an AI programmed to talk to a player as a game boots up. What we saw in the opening could be more like a morning routine that he has to do at least once a day. Plus, we've yet to see any other NPC talk to the audience like Jax has. He explicitly called out the viewers in episode three, knowing full well he's being watched by SOMEONE. Or, at the very least, acting like he is. What do I mean by that? Well, to explain, I'd like to use one of my favorite fourth wall breakers as an example:
Deadpool, in most adaptations, knows fully well that he's a fictional character. He'll talk to the readers/viewers, move the camera around, and constantly talk shit to the writers/studio for occasionally screwing him over. It's all in good (Sometimes bloody) fun...but there's a canonical reason for this. It's not like She-Hulk where the fourth wall breaks are a way to tell HER stories HER way. You see, Deadpool...is just fucking insane.
No, really, that's the reason. Due to the trauma of gaining his powers, Deadpool's mind breaks and he's led to believe that he MUST be a fictional character. In comics, he actually gets voices in his head that makes him think he must be some comic book superhero, and the movies implied that something similar happened given how he never broke the fourth wall ONCE before getting his powers. This means him breaking the fourth wall could be seen as a coping mechanism. After all, it's better to believe you're a fictional character designed to entertain some invisible audience than believe that all of the shitty things that happened to you and people close to you is just a cruel joke from the universe.
Sound familiar?
Going back to the pilot, remember how Pomni's first instinct was to say that the Circus was all just a dream? To her, it's better to live in a lie that everything around her isn't real than to accept the reality that she's stuck in digital purgatory. Jax very well could be going through something similar, but unlike Pomni who seemed to just accept her reality, Jax never did. The trauma of being stuck in the Circus had led to his mind breaking just like Pomni's, Kinger's, and anyone else's. It's just that, for him, he thinks he's coping with it better because he discovered the secret that no one else did: None of this is real.
They're not actually people trapped in some hellscape while an AI unintentionally tortures them. They're all just fictional characters whose tragedies and silly antics are used to entertain viewers. I mean, it's either that or they're real people forever trapped in the circus with the closest thing to death being a full, psychotic break as they give up their sanity because they no longer want to exist in this hell anymore...But that possibly can't be true. Because if that IS true, then Jax has to face that he's a real person stuck in a real, awful situation that he can't joke his way out of. So, it's best to think nothing is real and nothing they do matter. So, might as well have fun with it.
Going back to the pin...
I don't think this is damning evidence about Jax being an NPC. Actually, it perfectly captures who he is as a character. He knows the circus isn't real. He even thinks HE isn't real. So instead of grappling with that, Jax lets himself believe that if nothing is real than nothing he does matters. He can break things, ruin lives, and assist in torturing the others in the circus. It's what he thinks will make the show more entertaining, even though all he's really entertaining is himself so his mind doesn't break more than it does.
Now, could the same apply if he's an NPC? Well...maybe. Gumigoo definitely proves how far someone could fall when they're told their world is fake. He was about ready to give up on life because he didn't think he had one. If Jax was an NPC, I could see him having a similar break, but going in the far opposite direction where, instead of giving up on life, he chooses to live the way HE wants it. Instead of being some one-off NPC for a lame adventure, he could go off on adventures of his own and ruin the lives of others now that his is thoroughly ruined.
However, Gooseworx makes a good point: "...a lot of people come up with theories based on how unexpected they'd be, and not because they make sense or align with the show's themes."
If Jax is an NPC, it would harm the overall message of the show. That there's meaning to be found in a stagnant life, and you find that meaning with people close to you who make that life worth living. Jax represents a sort of foil to that idea, with his way of coping with the madness being pure chaos and breaking others. It's his coping mechanism, and it works because it shows how human Jax really is. They're ALL human and they have human desires and wants, with the Circus pretty much stripping that away and leaving them...as they are now. They're emotionally broken, their sanity is decreasing, and some of them are losing all sense of self. By making Jax an NPC, it would definitely be surprising, but it would take away from that idea. It no longer makes him a human facing his own tragedy but instead an AI that's just as broken as Gummigoo. More than that, it gives the others an easy out. All the crew has to do is tell Caine that Jax is an NPC and POOF! No more annoyance. So making him someone who HAS to stay with the others and they're forever forced to deal with him also adds more to THEIR tragedy and torture.
Jax being an NPC is an interesting theory, but I don't think it's one that SHOULD be true. To me, it's more fascinating watching Jax treat the world around him as meaningless knowing he's a human instead of a rogue NPC breaking everything. And Gooseworx made it clear how they feel about it. Now, could it potentially be a mislead to get fans off the trail? Genuinely...I don't think so. That sounded very "I don't like this idea so it's not gonna happen" type of response. Still, we won't know until the show wraps up. Anything can happen, but don't get your hopes up if a character who does bad things to people that don't deserve it is more human than you think.
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A part of Richard's isolation from the group that I would like to put forward is this:
I truly do believe the group care for Richard as a friend, even when their relationships start to spiral out of control near the end. But that care isn't always present throughout their lives, the same way most people aren't constantly obsessing over their friend's feelings 24/7, and he cannot understand it.
It's not just the stuff you would typically think of that proves this to me, like the twins going out of their way to include him, companionable rambles with Bunny, making food with Francis. The most obvious instance of this is Richard being excluded from the Bacchanalia, and yes, this obviously sucks as someone trying so desperately to be included and a part of the group, but also makes so much sense from their perspective.
If Richard had been normal, he would have been so weirded out! This could be a convenient excuse, but it could just as easily be the group showing their own desires to be accepted by HIM, in a kind of reverse of roles that Richard naturally doesn't want to pick up on, because that would be seeing them human, and fallible, and SIMILAR TO HIMSELF. Unthinkable!
Something I've not seen discussed is the little aside when he first falls in with the group proper and relates that they had found him just as aloof as he had found them. Their inviting him to Francis's house was simply an urge to impress him, and I can't see any other way of reading it than that. If they had simply wanted to include him, but didn't care about how he saw them, they could have simply kept inviting him to their houses and out for lunch.
But, it's the moments that also double as little instances of ostracism that really interest me: Camilla saying Henry didn't want to do another pig ritual because he thought it would upset Richard, the group telling him they've already involved him enough and that he shouldn't participate in Bunny's murder. The general reading of this (that I've seen so far) seems to be that Henry did these things purposefully to keep Richard apart from the group, he didn't know him as well as the others, an unknown quantity, someone he didn't care for as much since he hadn't known him as long. But there's a lot of ambiguity there as well, and I think what makes things so compelling is that uncertainty. It could be purposeful, or unintentional, or some inextricable combination of the two.
(As an aside- ironically, I believe Henry may care about Richard the most out of anyone in the group. Helping him while he was sick, worried about seeing Richard drunk during the day, it's all rather sweet, and I don't believe it was entirely some machievellian scheme.)
However, I like to see the isolation as mostly, if not entirely unintentional, because that makes it so much more cutting to me. It's subtle. They don't put any special thought into doing it, they just…don't even think how these things could make him feel.
The worst part is, as far as I remember, Richard never fully engages with his feelings about this, but they are felt so much through the story and his actions within them. They are moments that sunk deep within his psyche like a stone that's dropped into water and swallowed immediately without a trace. It sits very still inside him, unmoveable.
His acceptance of these moments as they are happening to him is likely a result of his history of loneliness and being apart from others. There is nothing unusual to him about this, that it would require further thought from him within his narrative.
A large part of Richard's isolation is due to his glorification of the people he deems worthy, which continues even after he begins to see their flaws. Despite them, he still can't bear to see them torn down to his level, people he can relate to instead of glorify or look down upon. I think there is an element of self destruction to this, not wanting to understand so he has an excuse to punish himself for self perceived deficiencies.
It's very intriguing, this uncertainty of how much of Richard's isolation from the group is imagined, or perhaps even self imposed in a kind of feedback loop, where he feels pushed away and so pulls himself away from them, to anonymous parties with people he professes not to care about, takes pills and sleeps for days, to numb himself from the pain of their rejection.
And in the process, this feeling of isolation is enforced, becomes more a reality through the concrete evidence he has produced by himself. Maybe the group see his behaviour and think he needs space, they give it to him. He feels lonely, he says nothing. Because he would rather freeze to death than ask for help.
#the secret history#tsh donna tartt#donna tartt#long post#richard papen#henry winter#This is such a ramble#but I stayed up until 3am to finish the book and am absolutely sick with obsession right now
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you ever just think abt Them
the mall video, the way moon followed sun, the way he immediately decided the yellow yogurt dispenser was for sun because it had his colors, the way he gave him a coconut popsicle because he wanted sun to be able to try it as well.
the way he knew sun wanted to buy things, and immediately gave him all the coins he found in the mountain so he could buy whatever he wanted. ("Moon! I want to try everything, Moon."
"Okay.")
the laboratory video, with how excited he was to show the things he made off to sun, the way he allowed sun to use them on him in turn for the fact he used them on him.
("Moon, we can't just become a common crimina-- what's this?"
"A chocolate popsicle."
"A...chocolate popsicle?"
"I made it."
"Oh! Like a homemade popiscle? :0"
"Yep."
"Oh my goodness, thank you Moon- I knew you cared about me deep down!"
"Sure.")
-.-
("Don't worry. If you ask, I can make things for you, too.")
the video where they first met monty, where moon told sun that he'd be the one to lie for him, because sun wasn't comfortable doing so himself.
another thing i may note with this episode is that monty never once physically hit sun; he hit moon because he was in the way, but other than verbal threats, he never actually did anything. this carries on to later episodes, too, i believe.
("We can't lie to people, Moon!"
"Yes we can."
"Why?"
"I can. You don't have to; I will.")
he treats FREDDY better than he does SUN. which i find particularly strange because both sun and freddy have the same exact traits.
they're considered the dumb ones, too kind, a bit naive. but in the episode they upgraded freddy, moon was so soft towards him while threatening sun the moment before
("Your joints are connected by screws, I will take off your limbs."
"Freddy, help me! He's threatening to kill me!"
"Uhh..don't kill him, please."
"Freddy, you are a sweet baby boy, move out of the way.")
sometimes i think about how bewildered and offset sun seemed when moon was suddenly being nice to him, the way while happy about it he still chose to keep his distance because something was obviously wrong with moon.
("You're so good at this job."
"...I am?"
"Yeah! You're the best at it."
"..Okay! [nervous laughter] Let's just- now go downstairs!")
moon clearly holds sun in a bit of a higher care than he acts like he does. hell, he panicked when sun was 'missing', and told monty he'd do anything as long as monty gave him back (even if it turned out that monty had nothing to do with it, and that sun was just sleeping.)
("I don't have a ringer! I don't even know what a ringer is! Why are you hitting me?!"
"Because I just had to go get a necronomicon because I thought Monty kidnapped you!")
i will say that the demon and angel episode added a lot of insight on how moon does feel about sun. my only gripes is that it feels like NOTHING WAS DONE ABOUT IT.
("I don't think we should be yelling at him--"
"You're right! i shouldn't be yelling at him! I SHOULD BE BEATING HIM TO A BLOODY PULP!
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I just wanted to share my cool science with you.."
-.-
("It's not like you try to get along with me!"
"I don't try to get along with you becase the first thing you ever did was just saying 'Oh, you're so annoying and dumb and stupid!' What do you mean, try?!")
-.-
"I've been trying my best! That's why I've been bringing you along for my adventures!"
-.-
("I made your favorite..."
"I want you to tell me right now what my favorite is."
"Gingersnap.")
it feels like after they got foxy, it went downhill. or maybe it was after roxanne on her own. maybe that isn't fair to them, maybe it is. i don't know. but there was definitely a shift in moon's behavior, to me at least.
because it feels like foxy brought a surge of violence...
("Hey, by the way, Monty? Sun ran onto oncoming traffic."
"I'm not too surprised, the way you treat him.")
...which only seemed to spiral further once they got bonnie.
("You just- he just hit me with the bottom of his gun, Moon!"
"Let the Sheriff do what he needs to do."
-.-
("It doesn't matter anymore, no one likes me."
"If no one likes you, then you'd think you'd try and be a little different."
"Why- why should I at this point?! Screw you, Moon.")
moon considers sun one of his best friends, which we know from freddy of all people because sun's name is literally part of the password to their internet.
("It's the names of his three best friends! Himself, you, and me!"
"I- I don't think you can be friends with yourself."
"Moon's very self-oriented!"
"Yeah, I know that one...selfish guy."
"No, not selfish! Self-oriented.")
can i just say that it's a terrible fact it can even be part of a bar when this is one of the few episodes moon doesn't physically attack sun, and that's only because hes too focused on investigating?
("So you're saying that Sun's the problem because he keeps getting caught!"
"No, you are in fact still the problem, Moon."
"HA!")
that entire conversation with foxy and roxanne both in the video that sun finally, perhaps rightfully if not in the best way, snapped.
("Just drop the gun, Sun- just drop the gun and we'll be okay- this isn't you- this isn't you, dude-"
"This isn't me? YOU MADE ME LIKE THIS! I'm going to enjoy watching you dissipate to nothing.")
-.-
("Why do you want to kill Bonnie so bad?"
"He has done nothing except torture me ever since he has come here!")
i don't know what moon was expecting, when trying to confess to him. moon, bestie, i think the first sign that you fucked up should have been the very moment he assumed that it was a prank. that eclipse was messing with him.
("I'm in love with you-- what?
"So Eclipse is doing something to you, right?"
"What?"
"Eclipse is doing something to you?"
"…n- no?"
"Yeah, okay, I get it. Eclipse, this some kind of big prank trying to get me to say I like Moon in some romantic light because he treats me like garbage all the time? Eclipsee?-- oh.")
that something was wrong with you.
-.-
("...Because I like you?"
"That's not possible. Improbible!"
"I mean, you're a good person, you're nice, you're kind."
"YOU LITERALLY BEAT ME UP EVERY DAY!")
the fact monty was surprised that moon liked sun. which says a lot because it feels like monty's one of the few moon hangs out around, besides foxy and bonnie.
("Yeah, it's because he doesn't believe i'm in love with him."
"Pardon?"
"Byeee.")
the fact that freddy's been trying to talk to moon about it. been giving moon advice. and moon hasn't been taking it whatsoever.
("He's been talking to me about it. He didn't know how to go about it because he thought you would hate him."
"I do hate him!"
"Yeaahh…I know. But I wanted him to learn his own way."
"He literally started beating me for some trivial reason-- for no reason??"
"Yeeeahhh… I know. I wanted him to learn from his own mistakes.")
while roxanne was..close to being a friend to sun, she's also- as much as i hate to say it- more of an...observer? like she doesnt have the- yknow- courage to actually prevent it outside of words. she was on that route of "she has the spirit, but she's too weak-willed to actually do anything about it" i think. because she like,, she did try! but she never actually followed through. all she said was "maybe we shouldn't do that?" and then never actually tried to stop them
and freddy- while he isnt actively doing things...did turn a blind eye to bonnie's antics in the carnival video. he, too, has never once actually said anything about how sun was treated.
the only one who EVER said anything about it was monty, and that was offhand. that and the fact monty said he cheered when sun pulled the trigger on foxy and bonnie. which honestly might as well be the closest person to an almost-friend sun has! because while monty hasn't been particularly helpful, he hasn't outright hurt him either!
for all the times eclipse has tried to send people after sun and moon to kill them (which so has bonnie! so has moon!), at least he hasn't once went under the guise of actually caring for sun. he hasn't lied to him or anything. also!! that time on the roof, with him and bonnie? while eclipse didn't say anything, he didn't dismiss sun either as he ranted about all the things bonnie did to him. he never once interrupted, let him get it out of his system.
which maybe thats the bare minimum! but honestly? despite all his faults, i'd still think sun was better off with him. because at least he knows eclipse doesn't outright care, and so he can't get sucked in that continious cycle of mixed feelings.
this is all just mostly my opinion though so. feel free to disagree, this is just from what i noted, and honestly i might not have worded it the best but its the best i got rip
i dont even know what im trying to say with this tbh. they are just... idk. i miss what they used to be. i wish things were better for them.
#moon and sun minecraft#masm#masm sun#masm moon#masm foxy#masm bonnie#masm chica#masm monty#masm freddy#masm eclipse
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Wow this nightmare REALLY messed me up
#i need to get over it so bad but by god it was bone chilling how normal it was#like i can literally see those same interactions happening irl if the conditions were the same#i just...#ugh i can't get back to sleep#but i can't keep spiralling in thoughts like this#i feel like i want to cry#there's so much more to the dream but i hit the 30 tag mark in the last post#if u want me to tell it to u pls dm ab it#or ab anything else i feel so lonely...
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@wingsdreamt
It's a little like he just can't get past how very mundane the whole thing is. How-- No, "normal" is not and never has been the word, but familiar in a way that's almost nostalgic. While also being utterly and completely out of left field, and even knowing what he does, being what he is and was, knowing it's all... real...
He's glad to be distracted from thoughts spinning wildly around each other. Not spiraling downward, at least. If anything, it's... very much an upward trajectory. He i snot in any way willing to share this idea. "Repeating 'vacation' is in itself an answer." He doesn't fully argue; in part he talks just to keep the conversation going. "One of those words I am technically aware of, comprehend the definition for, and might even manage to recall recommended destinations in regards to, but I am not personally familiar." An answer. A terrible one, but Sephiroth is aware of that much. The one time he had leaned heavily toward finally taking personal time was--
Best left alone. They both have some knowledge of it, anyway. It's the barest moment before the danger of some devastating drop in mood can take place when he notices what Zack is about to do, with his teeth no less, when everything spins again. Shifts to a different direction, a different perspective. It's truly a thing he's only ever known Zack Fair capable of doing, and it's never been completely clear if he's even aware of it.
He's not going to ask. It's enough that he can't fully stop his lips from twitching upward, as if they feel the need to return the grin. Sephiroth huffs a short, indulgent sigh instead, teeth ultimately being used regardless. Not that there's a complaint to be made, really, leaning back on outstretched arms as he watches the other man work. It's not until Zack actually starts moving and figuring out the details that he fully realizes...
Ah. Does he mind the close quarters? He prefers not to think about it. At all. It seems like a shared realization, if Zack's face is anything to go by, which makes it--
Funny? It probably isn't, shouldn't be, but the little escaped half-laugh is impossible to hold back entirely. He can feel the heat on his own cheeks, knows it has to be unmissable since his skin tone remains light, but it is amusing. Helps him not to do the math in his head, how long it's been since he's even had close contact with another person. Sleeping next to someone is a different kind of-- Intimacy?
No, that will not be confronted or addressed. "I don't mind." Does he? Did he answer too soon, too easily? Does it matter? Does thinking about it matter? To hell with this entire thought process.
"If you don't kick. Or, I suppose... flap." He's aware that he's never been one to break tension or discomfort, and definitely not with humor, but at least he hopes it's diversion enough for both of them. Moving in as if they have a strategy to begin with, it's going to be awkward enough finding a comfortable position. Hopefully just not thinking about it will take him far enough, as general exhaustion should handle the rest.
The gray storm clouds gathering over the bluffs outside Midgar’s limits feels so fresh in his memory. Years ago. He was, unequivocally, absolutely, definitely dead up until recently. For all intents and purposes, he shouldn’t be here. Zack’s gaze briefly follows the movement of Sephiroth’s hand. Up, then back down again.
If their positions were reversed, he’d have been just as twitchy. Zack returns his attention to the matter of sleeping arrangements should Sephiroth feel the need to save face. Granted, having the opportunity to save face and feeling safe from future incidents worthy of embarrassment while in the presence of Zack Fair are not mutually exclusive.
“Repeating the word ‘vacation’ is not a real answer,” Zack politely reminds his companion as he feels about the joining panels of the sleeping bag and pulls them apart to search for the right seam.
He mentioned cutting, but he lacks actual cutting tools. Attempting to brute force separation and failing would be plain embarrassing, especially if he royally messed up by missing the grain and tearing the fabric at a horrible angle. Not only would they be out of a sleeping bag, but there’d be fluffy stuffing floating around everywhere. More tinder for the campfire, perhaps, though he already had a plan in mind as far as ensuring they were nice and toasty.
The sleeping bag is about halfway up to his mouth when Sephiroth gestures vaguely at his wings, and Zack’s entire face lights up.
“That is such a great idea. Why didn’t I think of that?”
The stupid grin might suggest he did certainly think about it and that he was more titillated than anything that Sephiroth was the one to actually bring it up first.
“Alright, let’s try this,” Zack says, his voice distorted as he clenches his incisors over a thread and snaps it with a sharp yank. The fabric splits away without exposing any stuffing. Success! Teasing the sleeping bag apart doesn’t take long after that, and soon enough they have enough surface area on the ground for both of them to sleep on with a bit of mako residue to spare.
“Hmm…” Zack sizes himself up, then Sephiroth, then his own wingspan. Dropping onto his stomach on one side of the spread, Zack lifts the wing opposite and tries to envision Sephiroth fitting beneath it. “Like this, maybe? Orrr…maybe on my side? I think my wing still reaches…”
More thinking, more picturing, a bit of rolling around, and Zack comes to a sudden realization. Oh, okay. They’re going to have to be real close for this to work. Maybe he hadn’t thought this through as much as he initially believed. With a little extra color on his cheeks, Zack clears his throat.
“I mean, only if you want to.”
The weight of an unappended ‘sir’ lingers in the silence after his last word. Perhaps it’s obvious, the way his mouth hangs open a second longer than necessary. Funny, how old habits have a life of their own.
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*You give him a laptop (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Gaster#W. D. Ghoster#I don't have the time/energy at the moment but gosh does the idea of turning these into fake screenshots appeal to me so much lol#Maybe at some point >:3#These are what a lot of my scratch projects look like btw lol - ''I want to finish this but Not Right Now but I need to it at least exist''#Poof existence lol#Also the fun of this potentially existing someday but not yet: My handwriting keeps some spoilers intact lol#I can't tell how many since I can read my handwriting but there must be some right?#I gave it one go to do the text box over my scribbles and hated it so lol - full version or nothing! Haha#Does make wonder if posting gives it more existence cred? More complacence about not finishing since /a/ version exists?#Thoughts for later lol#Just ike the full version! Lol ♪#Anyway a lot of this was fun to spiral around the thought of if he could actually have a moment of ''I could do my work?? While here????''#Vacation-work spot lol#He complains so often it seems like such a nice gift to give him for all of five minutes lol#And he seems so interested in human technology really makes me wonder how much if any electronics survive the trip down#Or if they're all fried - or get fried falling down lol#There's gotta be a Nokia that made it right something that didn't have to be completely gutted and refurbed haha#But right from the source has to be a tempting offer even if it is a bit behind the times hehe
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bleh
#blabbering#rambling/whining/complaining/venting ahead:#I think the horrors have finally caught up to me and the depresso is starting to take hold#i don't usually experience this until winter but I think the sudden drop of activity and people going on hiatus and such -#has triggered this early for me#basically I can't be left alone with my thoughts for too long or i start spiraling REALLY badly.#i don't really handle change very well haha...#i have the notorious curse of second guessing anything and everything and putting it on repeat in my head and then amplifying it#which sucks bc I don't have any more escapisms that work now bc this was already my escapism and I have no human connections irl#(I'm not kidding either. I've failed time and time again to make friends irl and was always the proactive one about it. But alas... ugh)#my only source for connections is online bc i struggle to make friends (especially at my age and how my energy keeps depleting and depletin#might lowkey be sharkweek but usually I just get more agitated and not this (this is very specific to the winter horrors™ for me)#i guess I may as well check out the spears while they're around still (tho in between me making dinner). I'm just feeling super bummed out#and not excited like I was the other day about it (ofc I blame the depresso™).#I don't even know what to do for my beta characters. Head empty. Head gone. sigh.#also it sucks bc next week is gonna kick my ass at work (canada day/july 4th/july in general/5 DAYS and long shifts in there too)#i'm going to be so tired and so alone and with nothing to look forward to. Idk what to do bc none of my usual distractions are effective no#No escape. No seretonin. No company. Nothin'. I notice I when i start getting bad like this when I fall back hard into pokemon#(because it was my childhood escapism and I was a neglected only child who was left alone a lot; hence the connection lol)#i'll probably just have to suffer through it and be an absolute wreck of a person i think. I don't really have any other options#watch me get sick again bc canada sucks to work bc everyone has it off and they ALL GO TO THE STORE I WORK AT AND IT SUCKS.#gonna try to draw more too but the depresso is eating my brain worms (the healthy brain worms)
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Physically, I'm already lying down.
Emotionally, I feel like I need to find a soft spot and crumple dramatically to the ground and lay down for a few weeks.
#sonder speaks#personal#but also if I wasn't fine with this being read/reblogged without context I wouldn't have posted it here#this week has been exhausting#I feel like I need permission from someone to go crawl into a nest and cry#one of my budgies died a few days ago#but I was looking after other animals that normally have a more dedicated caretaker#which was hard enough to handle that I couldn't really mourn my budgie much#especially when I need to keep happy around the remaining one so he doesn't grieve or get lonely#and I had to do a few specific tasks that are really really hard on me because nobody was there to help#and I tried to help my sister with things but none of the things worked#and a plan our family is excited about started to hit roadblocks#and one member of the family had a meltdown that triggered trauma in others in the family and drove things downhill#the family members at the center of this meltdown normally help me with chores and animal care#I was looking forward to them being home so I could rest and recuperatr and mourn#and now the meltdown has followed them here and it's built on top of years of other meltdowns and everything is tense#and of course it's bringing up old traumas and expectations and fears for me too#and I end up as a 30 year old feeling like he has 16 year old problems again#my whole body is tense#I'm not tired enough to sleep#I almost feel like crying for my budgie and all my fears and the things I let mysrlf get excited for#the things that either won't happen at all or are tainted by this veil of persistent bitterness that followed them home to me#almost#but I fear the possibility that crying could make things worse in any capacity#and I've struggled to cry for years anyway#so I'm just trying to use therapy tools to quiet the spiraling thoughts#and making this post because it feels like journaling without the pitfalls I fall into while journaling or talking directly to a person#hoping I'll get enough sleep that I don't accidentally trigger a sleep-deprivation/stress seizure my meds can't stop#and tomorrow I have to get back to studying which is very hard for me but gets me closer to making money#I liked when things were mostly good and calm and just sucked on a passive level -- can I have that again?
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hanahaki disease trope captivates me because (as I interpret it) the call is coming from inside the house. bc you see, the solution is easy. the flowers stop trying to tear their way out of your body if you confess your affections or get over them. go do stuff other than hanging out with your doomed crush for a while or speak your feelings: let the flowers see daylight. but sometimes ... catharsis ... is worse.
it's like when Fall Out Boy said "I'll keep my jealousy close 'cause it's all mine" and when Taking Back Sunday said "if it's not keeping you up nights, then what's the point?" these warm, bloody, one-sided feelings might be as close to reciprocal love as you're gonna get. if you flee or confess and aren't loved in return ... you're healed. free of pain. free of flowers. that precious thing you were holding onto so fiercely, for months ... vanishes.
hanahaki studies the compulsions that drive self-destruction. that turn pain into the means to its own end. human resilience is our greatest strength and an agent of literal body horror. hanahaki paints an intentionally romanticized picture of how vital wanting to get better is to actually getting better. as the adage goes, you can't control how you feel, but you can control what you do about it.
healing is terrifying. watching a character reject it until their death is sobering. watching a character choose it when they are at their most scared and sad and hopeless is ... devastating. it makes me press my hands against the walls of my consciousness.
#hanahaki disease#hanahaki#i did no research into the history of the trope. I'm going off what I've picked up through osmosis. def add to/correct these thoughts#as you see fit#i like the common ending where the hanahaki-haver learns that their beloved loves them too. has loved them the entire time even.#it makes me think of how mental illness can trick you into thinking everyone else dislikes you as much as you dislike yourself#when usually there are lots of ppl in your life who care about you a lot. but you can't see it#you have been taught (or ... as in my case ... taught yourself) not to see it#so instead of taking a chance on a love that has always had its door cracked open ... you torture yourself#and the healing process is how you learn to tap on those doors. take a look inside. accept the love you find#and move on if the person doesn't reach back out to you. healthy rejection coping#not this torture spiral of repressed cravings for intimacy#phew. anyway. I've been reading some great hanahaki Genshin fics. keep up the great work yall#snowswords#analysis
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sometimes i wish my brain had a fucking off switch
#vent#tw vent#the thoughts are idk. intrusive or whatever#idk if it actually counts as intrusive but we are not having a good time right now#i'm just so fucking tired of so many things#i'm fucking tired of not having support but not knowing how to ask for it or what the hell i'd even do if i had it#i'm tired of not knowing how to handle my emotions like. ever#it feels like my brains is screaming lies at me and it only gets worse the longer the day goes on#and what the fuck is even up with that#like why am i even like this. why do i just randomly spiral sometimes#like there wasn't even a cause this time????#i don't known how to deal with this. i've never known. and it just keeps happening#and i can never fucking predict it#and i can't tell for sure but it might be getting more common??#which. fuck my life if that's the case#nobody needs to read this shit im sorry#i'll delete it later
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.
#today i had a really bad day for no reason#when yesterday was so good and i was so happy that the happy was vibrating out of me and i couldn't be calm#and i simply don't know what to do#because i can't keep having days like this and also be a functioning student#but i just don't know what is wrong with me#something is definitely wrong with me#sorry to vent in the tags but i just got out of spiraling pretty badly and needed to feel like i was talking to someone#i thought i was just depressed but then so many small stupid things make me completely lose it#and since i can't scream my lungs out and break things i just freeze and cry and hit my head#which doesn't seem healthy either#maybe i just need a place to scream or something?#but today was so bad that i couldn't even watch the video yet#bc i didn't want to ruin the video with my freakout#maybe it would have calmed me down but i didn't want to risk it#i'm kind of exhausted now#but tomorrow i need to think of what to do bc i don't want to do poorly in school for whatever the heck is wrong with me
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lol just found out the former owner of this property has been surveilling all our mail via usps's informed delivery service, to which he still has access because he never bothered to file a change of address with them even though it's been literal years at this point, and so now i get to put 'calling the post office to get him kicked off because what the actual fuck' on my to-do list for the day!
also: i found this out because he emailed my dad an image of a piece of mail he wants us (me) to forward to him. flames on the side of my face.
#like—i was mildly annoyed when i thought it was just him being lazy#but the fact that his inaction has given him ongoing access to peruse all the mail we receive?#which on the basis of this email he clearly does at least sometimes?#CREEPY. like yeah it's whatever but also it's the principle of the thing!#anyway. as much as anything i'm irritated bc i'm not running on enough sleep#but. greargh. 🦖#(i mean‚ i'm also irritated bc my dad should have told him politely but firmly *years* ago that we'd forwarded more than enough of his mail#and that it was past time for him to file a change of address with USPS#but bc he's such a fucking doormat‚ the whole thing didn't get resolved#and is now *my* problem‚ unless i'm happy to let this guy keep viewing all my mail. which i'm not.#which is always how this works.#'i can't tell your uncle now isn't a good time‚ so i have to take his call in the middle of whatever we're doing!'#he doesn't respect himself and so he just absorbs everyone else's demands and passes them on to me‚ whom he also doesn't respect.)#anyway. have fully talked myself into a terrible mood now‚ time to stop tag spiraling.#journaling#mundanities#domesticities#…actually i lied‚ what REALLY gets my goat here is that my dad will almost CERTAINLY not acknowledge that anything abt this is an issue#because he just has basically no bandwidth ever and just wants to pretend everything is fine so he doesn't have to Do Feelings#and it becomes this really shitty really gendered thing where like. i get painted as the Crazy Woman Making an Unjustifiable Fuss#even though there are multiple aspects of this situation that it's in fact extremely reasonable for me to be unhappy with!#and it's just like. no fucking wonder i can't deal with anything‚ i can't even evaluate a situation without having my reaction invalidated#ok now that really IS all. grateful for yr patience in a Trying Time if you even got this far‚ lol.
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Y'all ever just be an inch from having a complete mental breakdown at work?
#goo noises#i am not okay#it feels like a lot of things are just fucked#*gestures to the world in general*#add to that the following#impulsive thoughts of suicide/self harm that scare me and drain my mental battery#crippling loneliness with the inability to ever feel like I belong#executive dysfunction nerfing the desire to do any and every thing that possibly might bring me joy#having to weigh personal freedom over financial stability#keeping all this to myself/the blog only maybe 3 people paybattention to because I don't want to feel like a burden#as well as feeling like the 3 people I can confide in about this don't really understand any of it#oh and don't forget the ever shitty feeling of 'my life feels super stagnate and will never amount to anything meaningful'#and the fact that my mental illness puts me at a disadvantage in trying to be good at any video game I try enjoying#for the simple reason being that I can't process more than one thing at a time#at this point I feel I only really have reasons to not die rather than to keep living#ironically it's the same shitty feeling of not wanting to be a burden that's behind most of it#tw suicide ideation#tw depressive spiral
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I really can't stand Gil
#Thinking about him for some reason tonight/this morning/esta madrugada#And like I can't stand him. It never changes lol#Someone else besides my cousin's girlfriend is now also reading PH because I asked#and between one and the other I'm falling again in the realisation of how much I can't stand him haha#I went into PH for the first time and saw him and thought 'oh he's neat. really pretty'#and just a few chapters later I couldn't stand the sight of him haha#Shittiest character ever. And I do love shitty characters often but the way Gil is in particular irks me a lot for some reason#I guess it's in part the narration and how hypocrital it is at times when it comes to him#Which would make sense with the ending if it weren't for the fact that I don't think it feels narrated by Gil at all until that very moment#Or not that I recall. I could reread to check again#Anyway... He is the favourite character of my cousin's girlfriend for now because 'he's very pretty and he is so kind and nice' omg#My attempts at keeping my dislike at bay were unsuccessful I think#One of the guidebooks actually brings up the topic about how shitty he is (I'm letting her borrow those too#so I'll wait and see what she thinks about it) which as I told Leigh was very validating#because this may be one of my most unpopular opinions of the manga? xD#On the other hand he was compared in that very fragment to Liam‚ who I also think was quite a shitty person despite how he is constructed#or at least perceived by the other characters as perhaps one of the best persons in the manga#Anyway yeah... Rereading these few first chapters because of being asked a question about them sent me into a Gil spiral tonight lol#Funny how it works like irl to some extent. I can't even perceive him as beautiful anymore‚ or not as I did at the very beginning#Despite how much the art improved#Although I think it's also his gestures#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#Anyway#Vincent prettiest brother among the two#Despite not being really my thing at all either#I mean#He's blond
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