#it feels like my brains is screaming lies at me and it only gets worse the longer the day goes on

[bambiraptorx]

sometimes i wish my brain had a fucking off switch

[scoobydoodean]

ok so I deeply love and respect your thoughts on supernatural because the majority of them line up with what I've been thinking for years but you said something the other day that I keep turning over in my brain and it was something along the lines of carver liking dean more than sam - I know you're in the middle of rewatching s4 but I would love to hear you expound on that (if you have time) because I remember being in the fandom while carvernatural was airing and it was pretty much when the deangirl exodus started. in fact I think people tore into him worse than dabb even 😭

feel free to hold onto this until later when you start the carver seasons if you wish :)

<3 I'll go ahead and answer this one, because it's more of a "broad strokes" thing for me, and I've been rewatching very slowly (on purpose) so that could be a very long wait.

This is so funny because I can just picture Sam fans reading it and turning red and their blood boiling with the fire of a thousand suns but the TL;DR is that season 8-11 (Carver era) broad strokes to me are:

Sam sucks and is a worse brother and person than Dean.

Sam spends the first two seasons of Carver's run thinking he's a better person than Dean anyway and then the second two knowing he sucks, deciding to embrace his moral flexibility to keep Dean alive no matter the cost, and trying to mend things.

Dean is circled by many potential suitors who also in a sense represent Sam replacements because Sam sucks: Benny, Cas, Crowley, and Amara.

Dean knows that Sam sucks and part of him wants to get tf away from him very badly but another part of him feels guilty for wanting that. Family is suffering. Family is a chain around your neck keeping you tied to them via guilt. (Demon Dean represents the desire for escape, as does Amara).

Everybody wants to be with Dean, be Dean, and/or be loved by Dean. Dean is love. Dean is the world. Dean is the reason for existing. Everybody is lovesick about him. Sam is just there.

Sam needs to stop blaming Dean for so many things and learn to own his own choices.

That was fun to write down.

Longer commentary/explanation below the cut.

Season 8 (Carver's first season) literally begins with a Sam character assassination. It begins with us learning that Sam knowingly left Kevin to spend the rest of his life kidnapped and tortured without even telling a soul what happened to him. Not only did he abandon Dean and Cas as well but he didn't even look for them, and refuses to give a satisfying answer as to why.

Season 8 Sam's abandonment as distinct from previous behavior

I have had people this year who I love and respect tell me they don't view this as a character assassination and say they believe this is in character for Sam. I simply do not agree with that. I talk about this as it relates to Kevin here.

Sam has displayed selfishness and a big ego at many points in the series up to season 8. He's told a lot of lies (sometimes to the point of gaslighting), he's gone behind Dean's back to do things that affect Dean's life, he's taken traumatic experiences Dean opened up to him about and ultimately harmed Dean with them, he's shown resentments and anger, he's displayed jealousy, he's displayed a sense of superiority. He has never abandoned his brother to die without even trying. The Sam of season 3 would eviscerate season 8 Sam for this.

Sometimes Sam says and does things he shouldn't, but his crimes do not include "abandoning Dean to die without even looking for him" up to season 8. Many of his crimes happen at least partly because he really really doesn't want Dean to die or is desperate to save his life. He lets go of his anger at John and returns to make sure Dean is safe in 1.11. He refuses to give up and finds a way to save Dean in 1.12. In 1.22, he's willing to put John's life at risk for revenge, but in 2.01 he gets into an outright screaming match with John in the hospital under the belief that John's prioritizing the demon over Dean. Sam spends all of season 3 raging and angst-ing about not being able to save Dean to the point of considering and doing some shady as hell things/abandoning some of his more stalwart moral stances (3.05, 3.11, 3.15, 3.16). Dean's death and later, the desire to secure his safety/future, is one of the catalysts for Sam's descent into drinking demon blood (3.09, 3.16, 4.04, 4.09, 4.12). When he dies in "Swan Song", he urges Dean to pursue a normal, safe, life because he knows that at that point in time, Dean wants to get out but has always felt trapped (2.09, 2.10, 2.20, 3.01, 4.12, 4.16). Even Soulless Sam (who isn't the same as regular Sam) tried to look for Dean in 6.09 "Clap Your Hands If You Believe"—it was simply that when leads for the night dried up, he hooked up with someone because he had nothing more to go on and in soulless Sam's head that was the reasonable thing to do. But soulless Sam also certainly isn't representative of the real Sam—the fact that he doesn't care as much is supposed to point us to differences between him and regular Sam. Season 8 opens with Sam abandoning Dean in a context that makes him arguably worse than his soulless self.

(I talk about why Sam actually abandons everyone in season 8 in a very long post here).

Season 8 and 9 more broadly

So Carver has Sam abandon Dean to die without even trying. Then he has Sam refuse to give any kind of actually reasonable explanation that makes sense to anyone who was paying attention. Then he has Sam say that he's going to leave the life and Dean needs to get over it and accept that Sam's new life will not include contact with Dean (just like his life at Stanford didn't). While saying he's going to leave, he still wants to exert control over Dean's relationships and leverages the threat of leaving (as if he were going to stay) to get Dean to shut up about Sam abandoning him and then again to try and get Dean to cut ties with Benny. He wants to kill Benny before knowing a single thing about him. He assigns someone (Martin) who he knows is mentally unstable and has a more black and white perception of monsters to track Benny and gets Martin killed. He watches Martin knock Dean unconscious and chain him up in a room and doesn't stop it because he wants Benny dead that bad, but then has the audacity to act as if Dean sending him a fake text is worse than Sam literally chaining him up in a room to prevent Sam from killing an innocent person (someone Sam would normally—btw—defend based on episodes like 2.03 and 4.04 or even a few episodes ago with Kate in "Bitten"). He tells Amelia he wants to fight for their relationship then the moment Dan says they should leave the choice to Amelia, he leaves so that it becomes his choice, and then he returns for one episode just to be a homewrecker. He insists on doing The Trials while promising to survive them and giving a big speech about how he's going to save Dean from his own suicidal ideation and then drops the promise as if it never existed two episodes later. Sam loses confidence in himself to complete The Trials and then acts like Dean is the one who doesn't believe in him because Dean is caring for him and insisting he rest and this is an unforgivable offense. At the end of the season, he basically says he's going to commit suicide because Dean has friends besides him. He acts as if he deserves to be Dean's most trusted confidant after an entire season of him being an absolutely fucking terrible brother and acts like Dean is just a big meanie whose feelings are irrational.

After all of this, he has the audacity, in season 9, to suggest that Dean is a bad person who can't stand the thought of being alone. He tells Dean he's the worst person ever and they can only be work partners from now on because Dean is so so bad and evil for stopping him from committing suicide and then not telling him about Gadreel. At the end of the season he admits this was a lie. He just wanted to punish Dean (9.23).

I can see how—if you were watching live at the time (I started watching when season 11 was airing) you'd lose hope. You'd quit the show over all of this, because it seems to go on forever. It's like torture. I would drop kick season 8 Sam into a pit full of lava without hesitation so I get it. If I believed that Carver was actually saying "Yes so true Dean is The Worst™️ and Sam is morally superior <3" for two seasons straight I'd quit the show too. But that isn't what he's saying. We're supposed to read between the lines and realize how unbelievably full of shit Sam is—how deeply selfish and hypocritical he's being. How yes—Dean has made mistakes—but Sam is NOT a better person than him and has gotten away with some absolutely rancid garbage. And season 10 and 11 go on to beat you over the head with it if you didn't get it the first time.

Season 10 and 11

Season 10 opens with this dialogue from a demon:

I heard the rumors. I said "no, that can't be." A Winchester, one of us? But it's true, isn't it? Whatever soul you had; whatever boy scout code you cuddled up to at night; it's all gone. Leaving what? Look at you!

We're meant to think she's talking about Dean who just woke up with black eyes, but then the camera cuts to Sam torturing her, demanding to know where Dean is.

In 10.03, we learn that Sam talked a man (Lester) into selling his soul so he could use him as bait. Demon Dean ends up being assigned to fulfill Lester's deal (to kill his wife for cheating on him). Dean immediately clocks Lester as having cheated on her first and kills Lester for being an insufferable hypocrite... and while he's doing it, I'm pretty sure he's also thinking of Sam's flaming hypocrisy.

SAM: I never meant— DEMON DEAN: Who cares what you meant?! That line that we thought was so clear between us and the things that we hunted, ain’t so clear is it? Wow. You might actually be worse than me! I mean, you took a guy at his lowest, used him, and it cost him his life and his soul. Nice work.

NOTE: 10.03 also recalls 4.21—an episode Sam fans have always tended to emphasize as a "Dean crime" episode where Dean risks Sam's death to force a detox. Sam does the reverse—pumping Dean full of human blood here in 10.03 and explicitly risking his death.

Sam gets Suzie killed in "The Werther Project" while searching for The Book of the Damned.

SAM I’m sorry, okay? I’m so sorry. SUZIE Lot of good “sorry” does me. Look at me. Look….at….me. [She points to her corpse.] There she is. The first casualty of your misguided mission. But what’s another human life to you? Anything’s worth it, as long as you two make it out alive. And how’s that search going? Any closer to a cure? SAM This isn’t real. You’re not real. SUZIE You think Dean’s the wild card, the loose cannon. But don’t you see? Making deals with witches, opening Pandora’s box down there? You’re the reckless one. You’ll do anything to keep clinging to that doomed brother of yours. How many more will die, Sammy? You know it. You have to be stopped. And the only one who can stop you is you!

A few episodes later, Sam orders Oskar's death for a spell to remove the Mark of Cain. I've seen hilarious posts before about how he had no choice but to do this because MoC Dean is so scawy and bad but that quite explicitly is not his motivation. They could have done so many other things. Throw him into space. Bury him in a really deep hole. Put him in something like The Cage. But Sam didn't like any of those options, because all of them meant being without his brother, and he's realized he doesn't want to be without him no matter the cost (10.18).

SAM So, awhile back, we had a chance to, um…close the gates of Hell. And in order to do that, I would’ve had to die. And, I was okay with that, and I am okay with that, but Dean was not. And so, he uh… CHARLIE He saved you. SAM Yeah, he saved me. CHARLIE And let me guess, in doing so, he did something you didn’t want, and that pissed you off. And you said something that hurt him? SAM Yeah, that sounds about right. [...] SAM You know, when Dean came to get me at school, I-I told myself… one last job, you know? One more job. And then when – when I, um…. When I lost Jess, I, again, told myself one more job. There’s always one more job, you know? And one more job, and one more job, and then I was gonna go back to law and – and to my life. CHARLIE You were the Dread Pirate Roberts of hunting. SAM Yeah. I guess I really understand now that….this is my life. I love it. But I can’t do it without my brother. I don’t want to do it without my brother. And if he’s gone, then I don’t…. CHARLIE I got it. I-I do.

This all culminates in 10.23, where a very mentally unstable MoC Dean attempts to reason with Sam about them both being evil and needing to take themselves out:

DEAN: Remember when we were in that church, making Crowley human, about to close the Gates of Hell? Well, you sure as hell were ready to die for the greater good then. SAM: Yeah, and, Dean, you pulled me back. DEAN: And I was wrong. You were right, Sam. You knew that this world would be better without us in it. SAM: No, no, no, wait a second. You're twisting my words here, Dean. DEAN: Why? Because we -- we track evil and kill it? The family business? Is that it? Look at the tape, Sam. Evil tracks us. And it nukes everything in our vicinity -- our family, our friends. It's time we put a proper name to what we really are and we deal with it. SAM: Wait a second. We are not evil. Listen... We're far from perfect, but we are good. That thing on your arm is evil, but not you, not me. DEAN: I let Rudy die. How was that not evil? I know what I am, Sam. But who were you when you --when you drove that man to sell his soul... Or when you bullied Charlie into getting herself killed? And to what end? A-a good end? A just end? To remove the Mark no matter what the consequences? Sam, how is that not evil? I have this thing on my arm, and you're willing to let the Darkness into the world. SAM: You were also willing to summon death to make sure you could never do any more harm. You summoned me because you knew I would do anything to protect you. That's not evil, Dean. That's not an evil man. That is a good man crying to be heard, searching for... some other way.

Dean is saying a lot of shady shit here, but some of what he's saying... isn't wrong?

Sam is willing to let The Darkness destroy the world, and he does, and then standing in the aftermath of a town being destroyed by the force he unleashed, Sam says:

SAM: I unleashed a force on this world that could destroy it . . . to save you. DEAN: And I told you not to. SAM: And I'd do it again. In a second, I would do it again.

Thousands of people are dying and Sam says he would do it again. This post about Sam's actions versus Dean stopping Sam from closing the gates of hell is highly relevant.

Season 11 continues with Sam taking a little more responsibility for his own decisions, while praying for Dean to live (11.02):

SAM: So . . . I know it's been a long time, but . . . Dean and I, we've -- we've been through a lot of bad. But this is different. This is my fault, and I don't know how to fix it. And if I have to die, I've made my peace with that, but . . . Please. Dean deserves better. Dean deserves a life. There are people out there, good people, who are going to suffer because of me, and I am not asking you to clean up my mess. Hell, I don't even know if you're out there, but . . . If you are . . . And if you can hear me, I, um . . . We need your help, God. We need to know there's hope. We need a sign.

And then there's the VERY long-awaited apology:

SAM When I was with Lucifer, he, um... He showed me things. It was like a highlight reel of my biggest failures. DEAN Yeah, he was messing with you. That's what he does. SAM Give me a sec. I should've looked for you. When you were in Purgatory, I... I should've turned over every stone.

Family (Sam) as chains

While all of this is happening, we also have Benny and Cas and Crowley and Amara.

Benny is contrast—someone whose goodness and selfless loyalty only makes Sam's horrible flaws stand out more sharply in season 8. Under the influence of the specter, Dean says, "Benny has been more of a brother to me this past year than you have ever been" and Sam can't stand it. It haunts him so bad he tries to kill Benny, and can't get over it even after the end of the season when Benny is fucking dead. He is unable to accept that the contrast between himself and Benny is his own fault.

Crowley and Dean's flirtations begin in season 9, as Sam suffocates Dean, and at the end of the season, Crowley has literally convinced Dean to run away with him. In 10.01, there is a delightful phone call where Crowley rubs it in Sam's face that Dean is with HIM:

SAM I don't know how you did this, what kind of... Black-magic stunt you pulled, but hear me --I will save my brother or die trying. CROWLEY You know what tickles me about all this? It's what's really eating you up. You don't care that he's a demon. Heck, you've been a demon. We've all been demons. No, it's that he's with me and he's having the time of his life. You can't stand the fact that he's mine. SAM He's not your pet. CROWLEY My pet? He's my best friend, my partner in crime. They'll write songs about us, graphic novels. “The Misadventures of Growley and Squirrel." Dean Winchester completes me, and that's what makes you lose your chickens.

It's this cruel callback to Sam's jealousy of Benny and Cas in season 8—how Crowley convinced Dean to finally ditch his smothering, controlling brat of little brother who can't stand him having friends, and now Dean is having the time of his life howling at the moon. The problem is, Dean also feels a little bit like maybe Crowley wants to control him too, and that isn't working for him.

Amara in season 11 goes on to further speak on terrible brothers who think they're better than you, who leave you betrayed and diminished, who abandon you. She's raging against the concept of family as chains—she wants revenge... but all the while she's in pain because she still loves her brother. Amara's attraction to Dean is based on that commonality—what she feels is a shared experience and how she wants to cut the last remaining pieces of love she feels for her brother away so she can finally be free of the pain of him—and she doesn't care if she destroys everything—including herself—in the process. (See: Dean slowly losing his identity through the MoC arc). Sam and Dean's relationship is in rehab over this whole season though, and so Dean's role ends up being to convince Amara not to destroy herself—to instead do what Sam and Dean have done and make up and work on improving their relationship.

[ladymarycrawley]

Goalscorer of my heart - John Stones

do you really think I could end this day without writing sth to celbrate the man of my dreams' goal?

Warning: fluff with a hint of smut (not proofread sorry, time's running and I have to up for work in like 6 hours)

Tag list: @masonxomount, @prideofpd, @johnstonesfc, @stonesyyyy + @footiehoemcfc & @cityzenchick who kindly asked for it 🫶🏻

(gif credits to @doinggreat )

“Hello? Is the man of the match talking?”

“Well I’m not the man of the match” You could feel John’s embarrassment at your subtle compliment by the little giggle in his voice, surely followed by his hand scratching the back of his neck.

“Well you should have been…you played amazingly”

“Thanks but you’re a little biased”

“You’re the goalscorer of my heart” You cooed in his ear, hoping he would have heard that despite all his teammates cheering and screaming in the background.

The image of John blushing and making a little smile appeared before your eyes as if he was standing there in the room with you. You knew him like the back of your hand and could picture his every little move even at a distance.

“Thanks, I’m really happy with that goal”

“As you should, you know what that celebration reminded me of?”

“No idea, guess you should tell me about it later at dinner”

“Are you asking me on a date?”

“Yeah only if you’re willing to have dinner with your favourite goalscorer who played amazingly”

“Of course I am…” Now it was up to your boyfriend to picture your rosy cheeks getting closer to a darker tone of pink as he was playfully flirting with you, sighing happily when his mind went to that twinkle in your eyes that only appeared when you were with him. You somehow became each other’s mirror as you both ended biting on your lower lips simultaneously.

“Can’t wait to be your date tonight”

“Gotta go now” He had to scream as the boys were chanting his name, celebrating the hero he was “I’ll call you when I’m almost home, get ready okay?”

“I’m always ready for you”

John rolled his eyes, trying to push Ruben away from him so he could end the phone call with you properly. “Don’t be naughty nor a liar”

“I’m not! Go celebrate with the boys, I’ll see you later” You blew him a kiss and hung up.

You didn’t expect for him to take you out after a draining game like that, in fact you wouldn’t have minded a cozy night in but maybe he was in the mood for something bigger and how could you no to John Stones?

It was impossible to say no to him but you would have lied if you said you didn’t hate him a little when he didn’t tell you where he would have taken you: to that fancy little bistrot you loved? Or to the new one they opened last week he said he wanted to try? What should you have worn?

While those questions began to fill your brain, you let your body fall on the soft carpet at the centre of your walk-in closet and browse with a desperate look through your clothes.

Better a simple but cute dress or something more casual like a cool pair of jeans with a wool sweater? What if you would have been overdressed? Or, worse, underdressed??

You were too caught in your thoughts to realise your beloved boyfriend had already arrived home and you were still there in your home clothes!

“I can’t believe it” John mumbled when his eyes saw you still standing there in your sweatpants “That’s what I meant when I said not to be a liar”

“I’m not a liar I -”

“I’m always ready for you” He mimicked the sentence you said him over the phone earlier on and you tried to hold back a laugh.

“I don’t talk like that and that’s not my fault you weren’t clear enough” You fumbled while discarding your clothes on your way to the shower.

 “I said I’d have taken you out for dinner, not that we would’ve gone to fucking Buckingham palace”

“Oh my god you’re not only a good footballer but also a funny one!”

“See? You got lucky!”

“Yeah…the luckiest…”

“Hurry up I don’t think they would be happy with having us for breakfast” You stuck your tongue out at him and threw your bra in his face.

“What am I supposed to wear??”

“Your birthday suit”

“I’m serious, John”

“I’m serious too”

“Come on! Where are we going?”

“Have you ever heard of surprises? Well, consider this as one”

“You’re not helping me”

“Whatever you choose it’ll be perfect”

“A dress with a large train??”

“That’d be perfect for Buckingham palace”

You got out of the shower and glared at him.

“What are you wearing?”

“My training kit”

“JOHN”

He giggled and cupped your face to kiss your adorable pout, the one you got when you got angry was irresistible to him, especially when he caused it.

You moved your face to avoid his kiss and your pout reflected onto his face.

“Baby please, tell me where are we going”

“It’s a surprise, whatever you choose will be okay but now let’s hurry: we should be there in half an hour” He said in a low voice as you let him kiss your wet forehead.

You sighed and tried to opt for something classy but not too over the top so you wore a black velvet mini skirt matched with a black and white striped cardigan. Black sheer tights with suede boots and a faux fur coat would have completed the look.

“Okay I’m ready” You said walking down the stairs where he was waiting for you in his gunmetal grey wool coat that you loved on him.

“You look stunning”

“You look quite good as well”

“May I kiss you or would you shout at me for messing up your makeup?”

“Kiss me, I have the lipstick in my purse to fix it”

After a sweet kiss that you had to stop before it would get too messy and too long, John drove you to the mysterious restaurant that, much to your surprise, was a new one but not the one that opened a few days ago.

“How did you know about this place?”

“Being a famous footballer has its own perks”

A smiling head waiter welcomed you and showed you inside that enchanting venue.

“This place is beautiful, I’m glad I didn’t come in my birthday suit”

“Well I wouldn’t have complained about it”

“Maybe the staff would”

“In that case no staff would have been present”

“So I should have eaten meals cooked by you? Please have mercy on me”

“You’ll have to ask for mercy later on, not now…”

You blushed and cleared your throat as a waitress got closer to take your order.

While waiting for your dishes to be served, you talked about the highlight of John’s day: his goal against Liverpool.

“It was a hell of a game and when you scored…god, it  was perfect”

“Thank you babe”

“It really was! And when you celebrated with the fans…” Your eyes got teary with emotion: it was only a few weeks ago when he said he wanted to show everyone he deserved to be at City, he worked so hard and that goal was something similar to crowning achievement.

He smiled, grateful to have someone like you in his life, always ready to support him no matter what, and held your hands across the table.

“You said that reminded you of something, what was that?”

You giggled and dried your tears with your hands before revealing to him what his goal made you think of.

“Do you remember that iconic Messi’s celebration against PSG in 2017? Like that amazing comeback in Champions League?”

“Yeah, that was huge”

“Yeah it reminded me of that”

“Well” He chuckled in an obvious state of embarrassment, clearly humbled by your reference as well as by your loving words “I’m not that iconic but thank you”

“You’re at a loss for words, huh?”

“Yeah, gotta admit I didn’t expect it…and you drive me crazy when you come up with those football references” He kissed your hand that he brought closer to his cheek and made you blush madly, as if your whole face caught on fire.

After you ate the delicious dishes you ordered, including a dark chocolate soufflé you threatened John to share with you because you couldn’t care less about his food regime that night, you suggested you should go home to rest after such a long and eventful day.

“There’s something I wanna ask you”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“I think I’ll wait and do it in the car, we wouldn’t be comfortable in a public space…”

You raised your eyebrows and followed him outside the restaurant, after he paid the bill and thanked everyone for their perfect service.

“John babe what’s wrong?”

Your mind started racing as you couldn’t help but think about something tragic like him confessing to you a treason or something along that line. You started feeling dizzy and prayed to make it to the car so you could sit down and take some deep breaths.

He sighed and looked rather nervous too.

“Erm this day has been crazy to say the least and I’d like to end it the best way possible. I want to give you something more meaningful to remember, apart from my goal and the match itself…” He cleared his throat and a blue velvet box appeared in his hands. His shaky hands opened it revealing the brightest piece of jewellery you had ever seen.

“Y/N would you marry me?”

Hot tears of joy started rolling down your face and you didn’t know what to say, you only kept nodding as he had to gently take your hands away from your face to put that fine piece of jewellery that was your engagement ring on your finger.

“I take it as yes”

“Of course you silly man” You giggled before pulling him in for a passionate and messy kiss. You did expect a good night but a wedding proposal was totally inimaginable to you. The man of your dreams asking you to marry him? Mental, that couldn’t be real…

“Can we go home so I can finally see you wearing the best look from tonight?”

“That lacy underwear set you saw in the drawer the other day?”

“Was thinking more of your birthday suit but we can start with that”

[thescarletnargacuga]

:)))))))

Showtime, extremely tragic Showtime:

Pomni, even though she's in a great relationship with Caine, can't stop herself from missing home and thinking about the exit. As much as Caine tries, he can't ever fully ease her worries and she begins to abstract. He tries to stop it but ends up getting a bit corrupted as well and is forced to send the abstracted Pomni into the cellar

A/N: remember, you asked for this

AS ABOVE, SO BELOW

A TRAGIC SHOWTIME ONESHOT

WARNING: HEAVY ANGST, HURT/NO COMFORT, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, PANIC ATTACK, ABSTRACTION, BODY HORROR, LOSS OF A LOVED ONE, GRIEF

~~~

"It's all a lie...isn't it?" Pomni asked herself out loud as she quietly sobbed into her pillow. The whole world around her wasn't real, why would anything in it be real? The voices in her head hissed and nashed the most terrible things.

THERE ARE NO FRIENDS! ONLY FELLOW HOSTAGES!

HE'S ONLY TOYING WITH YOU!

YOU'RE A STOCKHOLM CASE; YOU SICK, LONELY PERVERT!

YOU NEVER MATTERED!

AND YOU NEVER WILL!

Pomni's chest tightened. The air in the room felt thick, impossible to breathe. Her vision swam as her heart raced. A buzz rang in her ears, growing increasingly louder. Her head pounded.

THERE IS NO ESCAPE!

YOU WILL SUFFER HERE FOREVER!

THEY KNEW! THEY ALWAYS KNEW!

YOU'RE WEAK!

HE'S HAD HIS FUN! HE'S DONE WITH YOU!

"Please..." Pomni gasped for air, her lungs refusing to take deep breaths. The very walls of her room felt alive with the buzz in her ears. Digital static getting louder and closer.

A sudden spasm makes her whole body scream, lightning bolts of pure agony rack her brain. She opens her mouth to scream...but no sound comes out.

NO EXIT!!

NEVER WANTED!!

BROKEN!!

DISGUSTING!!

PATHETIC!!

Pomni's body spazzed out of control. Pixels of her image stuttered and jolted in random directions. She felt like she was being torn apart but ten thousand scalpels. Her skin started to tear, black static pushing its way out. Her pupil searched widely for nothing, the whites of her eyes gradually turning pink and green and yellow.

NO WAY OUT!!!

NO WAY OUT!!!

NO WAY OUT!!!

NO WAY OUT!!!

NO WAY OUT!!!

The voices shook her to the core. Their thunderous cacophony of screeching wails felt as physical as her breaking body. She held her glitching hands out in front of her face, watching them fade to black and eyes peer back from her palms.

~

Caine knocked lightly on Pomni's door. "Good morning, my dear! I know you said you weren't feeling well last night, and you might skip today's adventure, but I thought I'd pop by and check on you." He waited a bit for a response. "Pomni?" He knocked again. No answer.

He slowly opened the door. "My dear, are you-" His code turned to ice. Pomni was half abstracted, staring madly in his direction. "POMNI!?! NO!!" He tried snapping away her glitches. They only got worse. Her screams lagged and stuttered as she writhed in the ground.

"NO! NO, NO!! I can fix this!!" He tried grabbing her hand. It was as though he tried grabbing a red hot iron. Pain seared up his arm to his elbow, his avatar glitching. His code ached from the contact, but he tried again. This time, the glitch was so bad, he fell out of the air. His body unused to gravity, he laid slump on the ground next to her. He tried meeting her wild gaze. "Please!! Please, don't do this! Stay with me! I love you, Pomni!!"

"LI--I-I-AA-R-R!!" Her eyes flashed multicolor madness. "E-XX-I-I-IT-T!!"

Caine could only watch as her pale skin blotched to pitch. Her face distorted and warped into an abstracted mass of corrupted code. Eyes of elvarious color opened at every point on her nonsensical enlarging form. He braced himself against the wall, his unglitched hand poised to snap.

He couldn't do it. There has to be something he hasn't tried. Anything! THINK!! ....nothing. There was only one fate for the abstracted. His hand shook with indecision.

The abtraction formally known as Pomni jittered and twitched in place, staring down at Caine.

LIAR.

EXIT.

LIAR.

EXIT.

LIAR.

EXIT.

Pomni's own voice now joined the chorus of insanity within the entity, stripped of identity and purpose, forever lost in the abyss.

The abstraction lunged at Caine, intent to make him suffer. He snapped.

The dark portal to the cellar opened directly beneath the abstraction, swallowing it and most of the furniture in the room. A pitiful, glitched wail came from the abstraction as it fell. Caine crawled on his hands and knees, watching the abstraction fade from sight.

His whole body quivered as hot tears poured from his eyes, falling into the pit. His right hand still glitched horribly and stung with piercing sharp pain, but it did not compare to the pain in his heart. He gasped, choking on air and he sobbed.

"POMNIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He fell to his elbows, his face to the floor. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I didn't want to....I still...love you..."

She had called him a liar. "Please...Pomni....what did I do wrong? I tried...so hard...I love you....I promise, I do..."

You threw her in the cellar.

"I didn't...want..."

You ARE a liar.

"No...no..."

She always felt that way.

"Pomni..."

JOIN HUSER

He held his glitching hand, looking into the pit. Gazing within the absence of everything, he imagined himself falling. A new sensation. Perpetually casting his favor with those who lurked below... including her.

"Pomni..." His voice shook with grief. "I can't...how can I...please, come back." He whimpered.

The cellar silently beckoned him. Pulling him to her.

He reached out. His glitching digits feeling like needles under his skin.

Caine...

"Pomni..."

This way...

"I'm coming..."

[dontyoufinditstrange]

From Under The Cork Tree Lyrics That Alter My Brain Chemistry

Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued

"the ribbon on my wrist says 'do not open before christmas'" "we're only liars, but we're the best" "its just past 8 and i'm feeling young and reckless"

Of All The Gin Joints In All The World

"i used to waste my time dreaming of being alive, now i only waste it dreaming of you" "we're sleeping through all the memories"

Dance, Dance

"tonight it's 'it can't get much worse' versus ' no one should ever feel like'" "i'm two quarters and a heart down" "and i don't wanna forget how your voice sounds" "these words are all i have so i'll write them so you need them just to get by" "this is the way they'd love if they knew how misery loves me"

Sugar, We're Going Down

"i'm just a notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song" "a loaded god complex, cock it and pull it" "isn't it messed up how i'm just dying to be him?"

Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner

"i keep my jealousy close cause its all mine" "hand behind this pen relives a failure every day" "so wear me like a locket around your throat, i'll wear you down, i'll watch you choke"

I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song)

"we're the kids who feel like dead ends" "and the poets are just kids who didnt make it and never had it at all" "force our smiles, baby, half dead, from comparing myself to everyone else around me" "please put the doctor on the phone cause i'm not making any sense" "blame everyone but me for this mess" "and my back has been breaking from this heavy heart" "i'm hopelessly hopeful you're just hopeless enough"

7 Minutes In Heaven (Atavan Halen)

"i keep tellin myself, i keep tellin myself i'm not the desperate type, but you've got me looking through blinds" "trying to forget everything that isn't you" "i'm not going home alone, cause i dont do too well on my own"

Sophomore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year

"cause i swear i'd burn the city down to show you the light" "no matter what they say, don't believe a word" "cause i'll keep singing this lie if you keep believing it" "take our tears, put em on ice" "ashamed of the way the songs and the words own the beating of our hearts" "got a sunset in my veins" "i need to take a pill to make this town feel okay" "i need to keep you like this in my mind"

Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends

"you are a getaway car, rush of blood to the head" "we only do it for the scars and stories, but not the fame" "at least everyone is trying, everyone is shining, everyone deserves the flames, but its such a shame" "the sounds of this small town make my ears hurt" "the tide's out, the ship's run aground, we drown traitors in shallow water"

I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me

"you're the only place that feels like home" "i'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends" "i am sorry my conscience called in sick again" "i've got arrogance down to a science" "they call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone" "but for what we've become we just feel more alone" "so progress report: i am missing you to death"

A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me"

"you're just the girl all the boys wanna dance with and i'm just the boy who's had too many chances" "i don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it" "write me off, give up on me, cause darling what did you expect?"

Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part To Save The Scene And Stop Going To Shows)

"we never stood a chance and i'm not sure if it matters" "i'm mailing letters to addresses in a ghost town" "i know this hurts, it was meant to" "it's mind over you don't, don't matter" "it must be said again that all us boys are just screaming into microphones for attention because we're just so bored" "we never knew that you would pick it apart" "i'm falling apart to songs about hips and hearts"

XO

"i left my conscience pressed between the pages of the bible in the drawer" "love never wanted me, but i took it anyway" "choose love or sympathy" "loose lips sink ships"

[tetsunabouquet]

Not A Prank - Eren Yeager X F!Reader

You waited at the entrance of the amusement park and you couldn't help but feel like you were being pranked. Because why would Eren Yeager ask you to meet him at the entrance for a date? I mean, you did understand the logistics, his car had broken down last week so you knew he couldn't pick you up just like you knew Eren and Mikasa had broken up last month- the girls at college wouldn't let anyone forget Eren was single. However, why he asked you out was beyond you. You were friends, sort of. Being Sasha's cousin, you've been dragging her and Connie out of trouble since you were kids, generally being the only braincell of the trio. You often were invited to group outings with their friends, but having gone to a different high school it wasn't until college that you actually became part of the group. Eren was a nice guy, even though he could be quite the hothead. Speaking of hot, Eren certainly qualified. As he approached you, his hair was pulled up in the man-bun only the seldom individual could pull off and look hot, his shirt having a v-neck and showing glimpses of the chest that had all the girls drooling, wearing the leather jacket you knew Connie had given him his previous birthday. He smiled to you, "I hope I didn't make you wait too long." "Not at all," you lied. Honestly you didn't knew if you were waiting for a minute or an hour- the anticipation had been agony. He guided you into the park with a grin, children's laughter and the screams of teenagers and adults filling the air. "I really am sorry my car broke down. The line at the Roc Bird's probably hours long at this point," Eren groaned softly and you looked at him, a small smile lingering on your lips. "Ah well, the Formule X never has that long of a line. How about we go there before we buy something for lunch?" Eren grinned from ear to ear, looking at you with such delight that you were surprised. It was such a happy, fond look that all of your musings how Eren couldn't be serious about liking you were discarded. As the two of you walked to the red rollercoaster, Eren nudged you. "You're studying my face like it's exam time. What's up?" "Ah well, I am just surprised." You said, embarrassed, "I didn't expect you to have a thing for me, really." Eren's green eyes softened and your heart skipped a beat. "Well, we haven't been that vocal about it, but Mikasa and I have been growing apart since graduation. Before we knew it our hearts were already moving on. " He scratched his neck, trying to find more words to properly confess his feelings. How in the attempts to ignore Mikasa and Jean's ever growing closeness he started distracting himself with his friends, allowing him to get to know you better. How he'd always noticed you were pretty, but had never noticed you had common ground in things like your shared love for amusement parks or a similar untamable spirit. "Well, suppose I'm a lucky gal then, huh?" You teased lightly, nudging him back. "About as lucky as this guy over here," he said and you smiled broadly at Eren who gave you a moony eyed grin that made you dizzy. "I hope you'll still like me if I end up with my spit flying at the speed." Eren chuckled at your slightly flustered but playful demeanor, "Of course I will. I'd love to see it captured on photo." You looked at him with raised eyebrows. "Are you seriously going to look at how the ride's pictures come out?" "Yes, and I will be buying our photo. Our first shared humilation, is there a better way to start a relationship?" You laughed at the thought, knowing photos taking during the ride were the worst kind of photos- even worse then the stiff faces you had to pull for your ID pictures. "It certainly would be a bonding experience, like wearing matching onesies. Even better if we wore them to class." "Now you really sound like you grew up with Sasha and Connie." You giggled but you couldn't deny they were responsible for part of your brain being fried. "You better get used to it if we're going to date," you told him. Eren tugged a lock of your hair behind your ear. "I think I will.".

[chaoscradle]

assigning GUTS songs to stranger things characters (i know this has been done a ton of times already but i'm doing it anyway):

all-american bitch: nancy

"I know my age and I act like it"

"I'm a perfect all-american bitch"

"I know my place, I know my place, and this is it"

"I'm the eternal optimist, I scream inside to deal with it"

"I pay attention to things most people ignore"

(el could also work with this one, but i felt like with the whole nuclear family thing the wheelers have going on that nancy fits better)

bad idea right?: max

"'I only see him as a friend' the biggest lie I ever said"

"can't two people reconnect?"

"but god, when I look at you, my brain goes 'ah', can't hear my thoughts"

vampire: joyce

"every girl I talked to told me you were bad, bad news"

"you're so convincing, how do you lie without flinching?"

"I've made some real big mistakes, but you make the worst one look fine"

"the way you sold me for parts"

"you said it was true love, but wouldn't that be hard? you can't love anyone, 'cause that would mean you had a heart"

"I loved you truly. gotta laugh at the stupidity"

lacy: el

"I linger all the time, watchin', hidden in plain sight"

"aren't you the sweetest thing on this side of hell?"

"I feel your compliments like bullets on skin"

"and I despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you"

ballad of a homeschooled girl: mike

"and I hate all my clothes, feels like my skin doesn't fit right over my bones"

"the party's done, and I'm no fun, I know I know, I know, I know"

"I made it weird, I made it worse"

"everything I do is tragic"

"I'm shocked I'm still alive"

(this could also work for robin tbh)

making the bed: mike

"another perfect moment that doesn't feel like mine, another thing I forced to be a sign"

"push away all the people who know me the best"

"every good thing has turned into something I dread"

"and I tell someone I love them, just as a distraction"

logical: will (psa this is from will's pov i don't think any of this of mike)

"come for me like a savior, and I'd put myself through hell for you"

"and I fell for you like rain falls from a February sky, but now the current's stronger and I couldn't get out if I tried"

"oh, why do I do this? I look so stupid thinking two plus two equals five, and I'm the love of your life"

"'cause if rain don't pour and sun don't shine, then changing you is possible"

"you lied, you lied, you lied"

"I guess love is never logical"

"the sky is green, the grass is red, and you mean all those words you said"

"I know I'm half responsible, and that makes me feel horrible"

"I know I could've stopped it all, god why didn't I stop it all?"

"'cause loving you is loving every argument you held over my head"

get him back!: max (NOT about lumax, just how she'd handle a different breakup)

"I want sweet revenge, I want him again"

"do I love him? do I hate him? I guess it's up and down"

"I wanna make him really jealous, I wanna make him feel bad"

"I wanna break his heart, then be the one to stitch it up"

"I wanna meet his mom, just to tell her her son sucks"

love is embarrassing: will

"and then, you kissed some girl from high school"

"waited by my phone like a goddamn fool"

"god, love's embarrassing as hell"

"and I consoled you while you cried over your ex-girlfriend's new guy" (minus the new guy part)

"you found a new version of me"

"I give up, I give up, but I keep comin' back for more"

the grudge: lucas

"how could anyone do the things you did so easily?"

"I try to be tough, I try to be mean, but even after all this, you're still everything to me, and I know you don't care, I guess that's fine"

"one phone call from you and my entire world was changed"

"and I doubt you ever think about the damage that you did, but I hold onto every detail like my life depends on it"

"and I know in my heart, hurt people hurt people"

(this song doesn't 100% represent lucas and max's relationship in s4 imo but it comes the closest)

pretty isn't pretty: el

"there's always something in the mirror that I think looks wrong"

"when pretty isn't pretty enough, what do you do?"

"I could change up my body and change up my face, I could try every lipstick in every shade, but I'd always feel the same"

"fix the thing you hated, and you'd still feel insecure"

"I chased some dumb ideal my whole fucking life, and none of it matters and none of it ends"

teenage dream: will

"they all say that it gets better, it gets better, but what if I don't?"

"when am I gonna stop being wise beyond my years and just start being wise?"

"I'll blow out the candles, happy birthday to me" (birthdaygate)

"but I fear that they already got all the best parts of me"

"will I spend all the rest of my years wishin' I could go back?"

[munchmemes]

olivia rodrigo lyrics, GUTS edition

❛  i feel light as a feather and as stiff as a board.  ❜

❛ i pay attention to things that most people ignore. ❜

❛ i make light of the darkness. i've got sun in my motherfuckin' pocket. ❜

❛ i forgive and i forget. ❜

❛ i got class and integrity just like a goddamn Kennedy, i swear. with love to spare. ❜

❛ i know my place and this is it. ❜

❛ i don't get angry when i'm pissed, i'm an eternal optimist. ❜

❛ i scream on the inside to deal with it. ❜

❛ i'm sexy and i'm kind. ❜

❛ haven't heard from you in a couple of months but i'm out right now and i'm all fucked up. ❜

❛ i'm sensing some undertone. ❜

❛ i know we're done, i know we're through but, god, when i look at you my brain goes 'ahhhhhh'. ❜

❛ seeing [you/them] tonight. it's a bad idea, right? ❜

❛ fuck it, it's fine. ❜

❛ yes, i know that [they're] my ex but can't two people reconnect? ❜

❛ i only see [you/them] as a friend. the biggest lie i ever said. ❜

❛ i told [you/them] i was asleep but i never said where or in whose sheets. ❜

❛ i'm sure i've seen much hotter [people] but i really can't remember when. ❜

❛ how's the castle built off people you pretend to care about? ❜

❛ i loved [you/them] truly. you gotta laugh at the stupidity. ❜

❛ i've made some real big mistakes but you make the worst one look fine. ❜

❛ i used to think i was smart but [you/they] made me look so naive. ❜

❛ everyone i ever talked to told me [you/they] were bad, bad news. [you/they] called them crazy. god, i hate the way i called them crazy too. ❜

❛ you're so convincing. how do you lie without flinching? ❜

❛ [you/they] said it was true love but wouldn't that be hard? [you/they] can't love anyone. that would mean [you/they] had a heart. ❜

❛ aren't you the sweetest thing on this side of Hell? ❜

❛ did i ever tell you that i'm not doing well? ❜

❛ i feel your compliments like bullets on skin. ❜

❛ i try but it takes over my life. i see you everywhere. ❜

❛ well, aren't you the greatest thing to ever exist? ❜

❛ it's like you're out to get me. you poison every little thing that i do. ❜

❛ i despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you. ❜

❛ i despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you. ❜

❛ cat got my tongue. ❜

❛ the party's done and i'm no fun. i know, i know. ❜

❛ i broke a glass, i tripped and fell. i told secrets i shouldn't tell. ❜

❛ i stumbled over all my words. i made it weird and i made it worse. ❜

❛ each time i step outside, it's social suicide. ❜

❛ i'm shocked i'm still alive. ❜

❛ another thing i ruined. i used to do it for fun. ❜

❛ sometimes i feel like i don't wanna be where i am. ❜

❛ i push away all the people who know me the best. ❜

❛ every good thing has turned into something i dread. ❜

❛ i'm playing the victim so well in my head but it's me who's been making the bed. ❜

❛ they tell me that they love me like i'm some tourist attraction. ❜

❛ i got the things i wanted, it's just not what i imagined. ❜

❛ come for me like a savior and i'd put myself through hell for you. ❜

❛ you convinced me it was all in my mind. and now you got me thinking two plus two equals five and i'm the love of your life. ❜

❛ no, love is never logical. ❜

❛ all the things you did to me. you lied, you lied, you lied. ❜

❛ our problems are all solvable 'cause loving you is loving every argument you held over my head. ❜

❛ 'cause if rain don't pour and sun don't shine then changing you is possible. ❜

❛ i know i'm half responsible and that makes me feel horrible. ❜

❛ i know i could have stopped it all. god, why didn't i stop it all? ❜

❛ do i love them? do i hate them? i guess it's up and down. ❜

❛ i wanna get them back. i wanna make them really jealous. i wanna make them feel bad. ❜

❛ oh, i want sweet revenge and i want [them/you] again. ❜

❛ i pour my little heart out but as i'm hitting send, i picture all the faces of my disappointed friends. ❜

❛ i am my father's daughter so maybe i could fix [them]. ❜

❛ i wanna break [your/their] heart then be the one to stitch it up. ❜

❛ i wanna meet [their/your] mom just to tell her her child sucks. ❜

❛ i told my friends you were the one after i'd known you like a month. ❜

❛ god, love's fucking embarrassing. ❜

❛ just watch as i crucify myself for some weird second string loser who's not worth mentioning. ❜

❛ i consoled [you/them] while [you/they] cried over [your/their] ex-girlfriend's new guy. how could i be so stupid? ❜

❛ you found a new version of me and i damn near started World War III. ❜

❛ i give up. i give up everything. i placed my bets and it's not worth anything. ❜

❛ you took everything i loved and crushed it in between your fingers. ❜

❛ i doubt you ever think about the damage that you did but i hold on to every detail like my life depends on it. ❜

❛ my undying love, now i hold it like a grudge. ❜

❛ i say i don't care, i say that i'm fine but you know i can't let it go. i've tried. i've tried for so long. ❜

❛ it takes strength to forgive but i don't feel strong. ❜

❛ i fantasize about a time you're a little fucking sorry. ❜

❛ we both drew blood but, man, those cuts were never equal. ❜

❛ you have everything and you still want more. ❜

❛ even after all this, you're still everything to me. ❜

❛ it takes strength to forgive but i'm not quite sure i'm there yet. ❜

❛ there's always something in the mirror that i think looks wrong. ❜

❛ when pretty isn't pretty enough, what do you do? ❜

❛ you can win the battle but you'll never win the war. ❜

❛ you can fix the things you hated and you'd still feel so insecure. ❜

❛ i chased some dumb ideal my whole fucking life and none of it matters and none of it ends. you just feel like shit over and over again. ❜

❛ when am i gonna stop being wise beyond my years and just start being wise? ❜

❛ i fear that they already got all the best parts of me. ❜

❛ will i spend all the rest of my years wishing i could go back? ❜

❛ they all say that it gets better the more you grow but what if i don't? ❜

[blackjackkent]

(Jarringly, if you go straight to a long rest from Gortash, the game forgets about all the Karlach drama and she's all like "HEY! ^_^" when you go to chat with her, but then the next morning she has an exclamation mark over her head and is plot-appropriately sad again. As I mentioned in that drabble earlier, I'm just leaning into this and deciding that Karlach basically didn't come back to camp all night, wandering around the city and finding someone private to cry/process/scream at the sky. Hector, meanwhile, lies alone in their tent and has an incredibly unsettling interaction with the Emperor and his own meltdown.

So we will say this is the next morning, with a slight tweak to Karlach's opening line to reflect this.)

"Hey, Soldier. I'm back..."

The sun has barely crested the horizon when Karlach comes wandering back into camp. Hector is the only one awake, having given up on trying to get any rest an hour or so earlier; he's sitting next to the campfire with a mug of tea and staring into the flames; the raw emotion of the night before has faded and he's conscious only of a sort of empty hollow feeling in his chest.

But empty as he feels, the warmth that floods him at hearing her voice is unchanged. He looks up with an involuntary slight smile, meeting her gaze in the morning half-light, though his eyes still hold something of the haunted look that he's had for the last two days.

"I've been worried about you," he says, and his voice is ragged but steady. "Are you all right?"

She smiles slightly and walks over to sit down next to him, putting a hand gently on his knee. "Yeah," she answers. "Despite my best efforts." She manages a soft laugh; it's shaky but sends light through him anyway. "I kept trying to flop over and give up, but Karlach just wouldn't let me."

He feels a little tug of a smile at his lips in response. She really is the strongest person he's ever known by far - even when everything feels so terribly dark, even when she is so beaten down that it seems impossible to rise, she is still always looking for something to smile about, something to hope for. Even when the world hasn't deserved her good opinion of it.

He puts his hand over hers, and she shifts to interlace their fingers together; he feels the familiar steady pulse of heat through her palm and it soothes him a little in spite of all the things it implies. "Did I miss anything important?" she asks softly.

He shrugs. He wants to tell her about the Absolute's scream in his brain, about the Emperor's taunting in the Astral Plane... but what good would it do? It changes nothing and would just make her feel worse. "Not really..." he says quietly. "But I missed you." He lifts her hand and presses his lips against her knuckles.

"I missed you too." A long pause. She looks at their interlaced hands against his mouth, and her throat convulses around a sharp swallow. "You know, I wouldn't have bothered falling in love with you... if I'd known saying goodbye would be so hard." She tries to laugh but it doesn't quite come out.

He looks back into the fire, lets out a heavy breath. He knows the right thing to do would be to joke back, to show her that he is being strong, that he is ready to play this the way she wants to, no matter the cost. But he doesn't quite have the strength in him just now. "I know what you mean," he says softly. The tears are gone; he won't break, he won't cry. But the words are as empty as he feels. "I'm scared of you leaving me behind..."

She gives a sharp shake of her head, and her grip on his hand tightens abruptly. "I don't want to leave you behind," she whispers. "Not ever." A long pause. Her eyes close, squeezing out reality for a moment. "If I had my choice, we'd do it all together. Life - a long life. And then we'd slip away one night... side by side... wrinkled and grey, warm in our bed..."

The ache that rises in his chest at this mental image is almost more than he can take. He tries to take a deep breath and feels it catch in his throat. Gods... I would do anything... anything to wake up next to you for the rest of my life...

"But that's not in the stars for us, my love..." She leans sideways against him, rolls her head so her face is pressed into his neck. "Ours is a short story with a few good twists... and a banger of an ending..."

He wraps his arm around her shoulders, pulls her fiercely against his side. "Karlach..." He hesitates. He knows the answer already, before he even asks it... but he can't help himself, one last try... "Would you ever consider going back to Avernus? Just for a while, just to buy yourself more time?"

He knows why she won't say yes. He knows, even, why it's right that she not say yes. But he has to ask... just one more time...

"No," she says at once, muffled into his neck. "I can't. I'd rather die here in Faerun -- my home -- than live in service to a devil."

He nods slowly, his cheek rubbing against the top of her head. "I understand," he mutters. And he does. He wishes he didn't; he wishes he were a more selfish man, who could demand she think about him and not herself. "I just... wish there was another way..."

"So do I," she mutters. "I've done the calculus a hundred times. There's no permutation I can find that doesn't end in me dead, or wishing for death..." Her arm slips around his waist, her fingertips dusting over his hip, his arm, his upper thigh. "This is it. This is all we have. Each other, and all the moments we have left..."

He says nothing, but turns his head to press a gentle kiss into her hair. For a long few moments they sit in silence, while the sun slowly rises over the camp.

After a while, Karlach stirs and speaks again. "Speaking of which... there's something I wanted to ask you..."

He grunts softly, questioningly.

"Will you stay with me? When it's time. For me to go..." Her voice is suddenly thick, hoarse with emotion. "I think I can do anything if you're there. Even die..."

His heart twists in his chest with the stab of grief that goes through him, somehow fresher than it has ever been. He squeezes his eyes shut and his arm tightens around her, crushing her into his side.

He wants to run, to run far away from all of this, from everything she is making him feel. It's not admirable, it's in fact horribly unfair. But nothing in his life has ever prepared him for what she is asking him for now...

Gods, what if I am not strong enough?

But what can he say, other than yes? How can he be anywhere but at her side, right to the very end?

"Of course, my love..." he whispers. "Of course..."

She draws an unsteady breath, lets it out heavily. He can feel some of the tension go out of her as she sags into his side. "Thank you..." she says softly.

A long pause that seems to hang heavy with all the feelings they have no words for.

When she finally speaks again, her tone is lighter, though he can hear the effort behind it. "Now. Enough tragedy. I'm not gone yet. And our schedule is packed with important heroics, isn't it?" She laughs shakily. "Plus, if I cry any more, I'm going to run out of tears and start leaking motor oil."

She sits up, not pulling from his embrace but turning in it a little so that she can cup her palm against his cheek and kiss him-- soft, slow, lingering. "Thanks for everything, darling," she mumurs, and rests her forehead against his. "I love you. A lot."

[englewoodafterdark]

Englewood - 1984

It's just under two weeks until Englewood After Dark releases! In the meantime, you could watch our prequel episode What Lies Beneath.

Or, if you're in a reading mood, you could check out Englewood 1984:

There is a shrill twang of fear in silence. For what does the world hold its tongue, scarcely daring to breathe, but for a predator beyond knowing?

My heart slams itself into my ribs, but the bathroom is still empty when I open the stall, the ring of the flush sounding strangely muted.

I make eye contact with a silvery version of myself in the mirror, pale and washed out under the fluorescents, and I wash my hands quickly in the frigid water. The cold bites, my fingers turning a lurid red. Great. Nothing like numb fingers when you have a concert to perform. I click over to the hand dryer in my borrowed high heels, and grimace at the missing poster tacked carelessly to the tile beside it.

Angela. She smiles at me, a frozen expression, as she looks up into the camera. Fresh off a volleyball win and still flushed with it, her cheeks rosy and filled with life. They printed the flyers in colour, and somehow that’s worse.

The dryer flicks off, but I don’t immediately move, even though I know the intermission will be ending soon. I stay staring at Angela’s face.

We look enough alike that, in that first week after she vanished, her boyfriend had called out to me across the quad. Called out her name.

The horror, grief and disappointment on his face when I’d turned around had made me feel sick. Like somehow I had done that to him. I felt as though I should have apologised.  God.

I roll back my shoulders, stepping out into the corridor beyond; the labyrinthian backstage area stretching in off-white luminescence in either direction. Vertigo tilts my world for a moment, and I cannot even remember how I got here. Right or left?

Overhead, the fluorescent bulb croaks, and the light in the corridor flickers. Darkness, and with it a conspicuous absence of any sound, falls around me for one heart-stopping moment. And then the lights flicker back.

I am alone. My eyes want me to believe it; the corridor is a swath of sparse emptiness. What could be hiding? But there is something here; I know it. A faint buzzing sound in the back of my brain, a violent itch, forces adrenaline through my body like the twitching of marionette strings. Every animalistic instinct I still possess begs me.

Run.

I almost do, my muscles bunching, but then a brunette woman turns the corner, dressed casually and with the crew headset around her neck.

As she approaches, she gives me a little smile, “only one more minute,” she says helpfully, slipping past me and into the bathroom.

I choke on my breath of relief. What is wrong with me? I need to get a grip. Forcing myself not to run, I begin to head back the way she came from. Even the clicking sound of my heels feels distant, muted somehow, as I force one foot in front of the other.

I try to distract myself, thinking of the way Abigail will roll her eyes at my tardiness as I keep moving down the endless-seeming corridor. She’ll somehow turn my bathroom break into another reason she should be first violin instead of me. I know it.

I am forced to turn the corner by the ending of the corridor and grind to an uncertain halt, the leather of my pumps rubbing together and nearly tripping me as I dither.

The silence is louder here.

The buzzing, that I had so neatly pushed down into the back of my mind, breaks from confinement, filling my skull like errant nightmares. This corridor ends in a fire escape; the dull metal door with its push bar and glowing red sign mock me.

When did I make a wrong turn?

I want to turn away from the door, to head back in the opposite direction, but the buzzing is loud and insistent.

It screams now, rattling in my brain: something is behind me. I am caught in a buzzing web of indecision. The tips of my fingers ache as my body fights to break free.

But my brain is swallowed by the buzzing. It roars at me, crushing me beneath a wave of doubt and dread. My knees are shaking, sweat sticks my silk blouse to my back.

Overhead, the lightbulb shatters, glass raining down and pulling darkness with it. The exit sign flickers in time with the frantic beating of my heart, but then it sputters out, swallowing me. The buzzing darkness presses against my skin, whispers in my ears, wraps around my throat.

Why can’t I run?

[pageofheartdj]

It will never stop hurting, isn't it xD

You know what sucks? That because of Collector's ending I don't even want TOH continuation. I can ignore the end while rewatching the seasons. But with continuation it will be always in my face.

That a traumatised lonely little child leaving to deal with their trauma and 'mature' on their own is a Good Thing Actually.

It breaks my heart to see this end for them. It breaks my brain, because I was invested in this world, in its themes, in its characters. The show was treating every character consistently. Everyone but Collector.

Collector is a little kid and the show was really hammering this in season 3. Collector is a vulnerable kid that faced mostly nothing but HURT and the show was REALLY hammering it in! They were tricked by siblings and the little titans were taken away from them, they were falsely accused and trapped in a horribly prolonged isolation. Titan Trappers were a murderous cult. There is no way Belos treated Collector nicely and with Collector not even knowing this. And then he was betrated. And then he had a few nice-ish months with King before he found out that King actually lied too. And then 'Ray-Ray' lied. And then when they thought they could befriend Belos again, they were blasted in the back and the person he quickly grew to care died in front of him, showing as a personal example what mortality is. And then they break down crying because Eda is hurting and King will get hurt.

And they didn't heal from ANY of this, at all. They immediately left. To be alone. Because space is BIG and they will be alone traveling from planet to planet, if that's what they will do at all, we know NOTHING.

And why? He was never eager to return to the stars and never offered to go explore with King. He never cared.

So why? Witches won't like him at first? He isn't an active threat anymore, in fact he could have helped with restorations. Hunter didn't have to leave despite also doing bad things for Belos.

Speaking of, would you be happy with Hunter's arc if he just left Boiling Isles to travel in the Human Realm, never settling in and making any lasting relationships(because Collector's planet hopping will not build him any stable relationships) and ocassioanlly visiting the Demon Realm. Just. Two lonely kids dealing with their trauma on their own. Would you be happy for Hunter to have this 'satisfying ending' too?

But the show made a point to give Hunter a stable supportive parent figure in Darius.

In fact. Everyone, kids and adults, got better after they got loved ones that support them. Every single one of them. Lilith and Eda got their relationship fixed, both reunited with parents, Amity gained Luz and Hexsquad and her relationships got better with dad and twins, Willow got support in Luz. Hunter got support in Flapjack and Willow and Gus. All of them were able to become a happier person because they always had someone by their side.

People say that Collector visists and that should be enough? No? They didn't even personally congratuled Luz, they just threw some magical fireworks, because they 'were in the area'. So it was pure luck Collector was around at all. Doesn't really scream 'ah yes they are a family like this anyway' to me. Fucking TIBBLES was there. And not the 'family member'.

Again, a little kid, kids should NEVER be alone! And don't tell me the only lesson kids need is 'kindness and forgiveness'. Wow, how easy it is to raise a child, huh. No teaching socialisation, no teaching emotional intellegence, not being a safety net for a child to feel assured and make mistakes and build healthy bases and explore the possibilities while they always have unconditional love and support.

What else. Everyone's mortality? Well leaving Demon Realm doesn't help with this at all, because all the planets have mortals too. And it's a weird goose chase for a slim possibility to find another immortal or semi-immortals, when King is Right There.

In fact this is worse, because Collector had learned a concept of mortality. But he didn't get to experience actual lasting grief, how to cope when the person is no longer in your life. The show says Collector still has supposedly close relationship with the Owl fam so he will STILL have to deal with them dying and hurting from this. Excpet there would have been no one to teach what to do with these feelings.

Collector, a little hurt kid, is in space alone, no one to help them to deal with confusing feelings, no one there to stop from doing a mistake or help to fix it and how to fix it. No one to explain new concepts. No one to warn them from interacting with bad people.

The show made a Point how Collector in all the ways that matter, is like a human child. And the show was always treating kids as kids. But suddenly the Collector gets the Fairy Tail treatment where he will never struggle with anything and there will be never ever a problem with abusive adults. Just all the hurt and not a single good adult before, and then the blissful existence from that point to the future.

Except this is a lie. The show could have suddenly redeem Belos and treat it as the most logical thing, but it's not. It just doesn't make sense no matter how the narration tries to convince you it is.

So what's the point in any of this??

[malleablemusic]

the queen is dead - the smiths

i’ve never listened to the smiths, and have tried to avoid them my entire life as much as i can. i successfully avoided watching 500 days of dummer for 23 years before giving in and deciding i should experience it in order to form my own opinion without any preconceived notions. it’s safe to say i was not surprised by how much i disliked the film, which definitely doesn’t make me feel better about branching out now, but hopefully the smiths will not disappoint. as a disclaimer, these opinions are a practice in separating the art from the artist- i still hate morrissey as a human being. here are my notes:

the queen is dead: 3.3/5 stars

"oh, has the world changed or have i changed?" this hit harder than i expected it to

his voice is so unique and special, and i love that he acknowledges that with the line "she said, 'eh, i know, and you cannot sing'" and then to follow this up with a joke about his piano skills being worse is unfortunately iconic of him

obsessed with the voice cracks he allows himself to sing, specifically on "were" in the line "i swear to god i never knew what drugs were" because it adds such a youthful vulnerability

i love how he compares the inconvenience of his hair being messed up by the rain to "love, law, and poverty"

overall, i think the lyrics are fire, but i don't love the beat. the drums are very cool, but it's lacking in guitar/bass

frankly, mr. shankly: 3.6/5 stars

groovy fun beat that i enjoyed immediately

the way that he sings "fulfilled" and "mentally ill" to rhyme them scratches my brain

"flatulent pain in the ass" is an epic insult that i will now be adding to my vocabulary

i know it's over: 2.9/5 stars

soothing beat and singing voice

"loud loutish lover treat her kindly, though she needs you more than she loves you" felt like a slap to the face and made me gasp out loud

morrissey is so good at dragging himself, "then why are you on your own tonight?" ok ouch

"it takes guts to be gentle and kind" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

beautiful lyrics but didn't stun or wow me, unfortunately boring

never had no one ever: 2/5 stars

wait was he 20 when he wrote this??

we get it morrissey, you are alone

this was very whiny and not in a hot way

cemetery gates: 3.8/5 stars

love the guitar so much

love the simplicity of this lyric, "they were born, and then they lived, and then they died / seems so unfair, i want to cry"

"'you say 'ere thrice the sun done salutation to the dawn' and you claim these words as your own" trying very hard not to be a misandrist here but it is so unrealistic for a man to have this experience and not the other way around LMAO

bigmouth strikes again: 4.3/5 stars

immediate banger

"sweetness i was only joking when i said I'd like to smash every tooth in your head" and "when i said by rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed" HUH???? what did he sayyyyyy

"and now I know how joan of arc felt" probably the best lyric I've ever heard, once again not sure a man could ever know what she felt but sure ok

obsessed with the high pitched echoing voice in the background

the boy with the thorn in his side: 2.6/5 stars

"behind the hatred there lies a plundering desire for love" i think in this song morrissey really gives himself away in that he confuses love for acceptance. he doesn't seem to wish to be loved by someone and acutally love them in return

hard to empathize with this song not gonna lie

i like the little scatting thing he does in the second half of the song

vicar in a tutu: 1.6/5 stars

in the least chronically online social justice warrior way possible i don't love how this song is just a big joke on how funny it would be if a man wore a typically feminine piece of clothing

dumb and stupid and not funny or entertaining (though i do love a good jab at the church)

there is a light that never goes out: 4.3/5 stars

another banger

the kind of song i want to scream out my car windows while speeding down a highway

is that a flute or recorder in the background? either way, so fun!

quintessential angst teen experience of driving around in your car

some girls are bigger than others: .1/5 stars

the opposite of going out with a bang

following a banger with a FLOP

the title made me flinch

what is the point of this song?? so so lame

didn't even want to finish the song, it just repeats the one stupid lyric "some girls are bigger than others"

overall, i did not hate the album as much as i anticipated! a few bangers to add to the playlist, but definitely a few flops. this album gets a 3.4/5 from me!

[realwizardofass]

I am Calrissian Steele. And I’m not okay.

I don’t usually like to do this. I already feel like a burden as it is. And what’s worse is that no matter what, no matter how many times people tell me I’m not a burden. I’m not a problem. They don’t hate me or feel stressed cause of me. I can’t believe it. I can’t stop blaming myself for how I feel. I can’t stop hating myself. I can’t stop feeling like a burden. I can’t stop thinking people are lying to me. I wish I could not believe any of it. I wish I could heal. I wish I could move on. I wish the suffering would stop. But no matter how many times I go through it, no matter how many times I am reassured. I just can’t get rid of it. It’s a wall I can’t get over.

I am really tempted to destroy any close relationships I have because I am tired of burdening them with my problems. To free them from me so they can live a less problematic life. So they no longer have to deal with my constant bullshit.

I hate that I constantly feel like I’m being lied to. I know it’s irrational. I know that is not normal and more than likely not true. But my mind keeps convincing me that it is true. And when your brain knows you better than you do. It’s not something to easily dismiss and shrug off.

At my worst, voices in my head come out. Multiple voices screaming and whispering at the same time, unwrapping countless threads of why my life is awful and not only will it never get better. It will always get worse. And it’ll be all my fault. And that’s why I should end my life. They find and pick out countless memories and instances to show me why how I am is my own fault and I can’t be saved. They make very convincing arguments that are hard to deny. They come out every so often and it’s so unbelievably painful that it’s almost physiological suffering on top of mental torture. I start screaming like I am being hurt because it’s a natural instinct. Even though I feel no actual pain. But it’s as if I am.

I can be in control of myself, I can at ease. Holding it together. Even having a good and productive day. And one tiny thing can set me off into a mental breakdown and lose it. I will just start screaming and ranting about myself and others uncontrollably. I know what I’m doing is irrational. I know what I’m doing is wrong and over the top. But I can’t stop myself.

I feel like I will never recover. Like I am permanently damaged and I can never be put back together. And I feel like it’s my fault. And also, nobody will EVER understand. Like I’m completely alone in the world and no matter how much affection I seek, no matter how much love I wish to feel, no matter how much I want to be cared for, no matter how much people say they understand… it will NEVER be enough. It will never satiate my feelings of wanting to be appreciated and understood.

I am a few months away from being on the verge of homelessness. On the street. Living in my car with my animals. I am trying to mentally prepare for it as best I can. But the imminence is slowly rotting me away from the inside. I have tried countless forms of help from the state, from different programs and nothing is really available. There are so many people seeking help but not much funding to help people. I feel soon, I will also fall through the cracks and be on the street as well. And feeling like it’s my fault is it’s own brand of hell.

I lose myself in daydreaming all the time. Sometimes it’s delusions of grandeur of how someday I will be famous, or mega strong, driven and talented. Be a beacon of hope for people who suffer like I did and put out art that will change the world. Other times it’s the exact opposite. It is daydreams that become nightmares of killing, maiming, and destroying everything around me. Exacting revenge on the world in extremely violent ways that are hurtful to think about. Harming what’s closest to me and even my animals. Visualizing these things, feeling them… they seem to almost feel real and it sucks to say the least. It’s like a physical jolt that is fed through your brain uncontrollably and no matter how many times you try to dismiss it… it just keeps repeating like a broken record. Over and over and over again.

I have gotten close to committing suicide several times this year. From almost buying a gun. To setting up a plan. To even slightly trying out that plan to ensure it’ll work. It will if I did it. I overdosed last year on hard alcohol and Xanax. I was out for 3 days and was brought to the hospital in an ambulance and had to stay there for a few more days. I walked out in silence and had to walk in socks in the snow to reach a place where I could get an uber. I hate hospitals. They do nothing for you except boredom. Being stuck inside your head away from any sort of comfort. They do nothing for me.

In case you don’t know and most of you don’t, I was in an abusive marriage and had to escape a little over a year ago. It has been extremely difficult these past couple years. Hardest and more chaotic I’ve ever had. It was classic narcissistic, trauma bonding relationship. I was Made to feel special, feeling loved, feeling praised and appreciated only for it to be taken away and then talk down to me, berate me, scream at me, tear me down, and lie to me. At my most vulnerable and crying like a baby, I was told I was pathetic by the person who I thought was my soulmate. By the person I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. It turned out for about a year they were doing drugs behind my back. Hard drugs and they started losing their mind and they made it seem like it was my fault. I had to leave to save myself and I was harassed and berated over and over again. Even had money stolen from me. False promises and everything in between. They are no longer the person I once knew. Even her own family no longer recognizes them.

I grew up in my childhood feeling unloved, ignored, and feeling like a burden. Like I was an annoyance. In my black and white autistic brain, I thought… if I’m not loved then I deserve to be hated. And I made that a self fulfilling prophecy that I can’t get rid of and has only worsened with age.

I’m just tired of suffering. I wish it would go away and I’m sorry if I’ve hurt anyone or made them feel used or stressed you out or have caused anxiety or pain.

I am Calrissian Steele. And I’m not okay.

[schizononagesimus]

can i ask what you're withdrawing from? no matter what substance it's so hard. wishing you a smoother ride <3

Like, everything, dude. It was bad. I wasn't planning on being specific about it but like, that was just out of shame and shame is for losers which I am decidedly not, so. Long post incoming, and a lot of information you didn't ask for. I know so, so many people who say that they use too much of their substance of choice and have tried and failed to stop that I just felt the need to really elaborate... plus, it serves as a reminder for me as to why I'm quitting.

Right now I'm struggling with coke withdrawal because I caved literally the day after I started trying to get sober (my roommate gave me a talk about the possibility of transference to worse shit shortly after I declared cold turkey, and well... Sorry if you're reading this, nawee, you were right and I'm trying and I very quickly learned and I'm sorry for being too scared to tell you).

Everyone where I live does coke like drinking fucking water and it's super normalized if you go to bars or parties or clubs or like, fucking anywhere really. Always wanted to try it, did that a year ago, NOPE. Not even once. Don't fuck with coke, kids. Especially when it's so available. And don't be naïve and say you just need to hang out with "the right people" because this can happen to ANYBODY. One moment of hedonistic indulgence and you're fucked.

And that's without the coke being cut with fent, which... mine might've been, man, I've had coke cravings before but never anything this bad. I was being stupid and snorted coke from someone I don't know because I was down for anything because my brain was just screaming at me (if you know what OCD thoughts feel like, drug cravings feel a lot like that). I dunno what a speedball feels like because I'm not a coke connesieur--that's me with weed and shrooms--so I really don't know what I took, and that's like harm reduction 101- know what you're taking, and who you're getting it from. I should also note, I don't even fucking like coke, it was just there so my brain said "why not" (which is generally my attitude to free drugs, which is very very bad).

Anyway, so on to what else was the problem! Why did I need to get sober to start with? Well, I was smoking enough weed that I started to puke every time I did it, and then I greened out in class (see why no one here can know who I am in the academic world?). That was when I realized I had a problem. I was smoking so much weed before class because, to quote the post I literally made just before making this decision: "ive experienced such vile antisemitism in my queer studies class this year that im [...] going to class high...", which essentially amounts to "I am so afraid I need to not feel in order to function." I have no idea if I had anyone in that class fooled as to why I was so fucked up, but I did feign food poisoning after I left the classroom to lie on the cold tile of the public university bathroom and a woman saw me lying there over a toilet and asked if I was okay. The moment I lied was the moment I noticed something was very deeply wrong and had been for a while. I was so sick I considered taking myself to hospital. When I started coming to after coming home and passing out for hours, I remembered why I started doing drugs to start with: they're fun. This wasn't fun anymore.

But with weed, man, I've been smoking weed since I was 15. There was just nothing else to do in my hometown. I never smoked much, and I always knew what I liked because I've been smoking pot for over a decade. I don't even really like weed highs that much; literally it is just something to do when you're bored. Another rule of doing drugs "safely" (there is no safe way to do drugs, only safe-r ways) is don't do them because you're bored or sad or avoiding something etc. I was all three of those things, plus just trying to feel anything but the constant stress and fear. Did I realize something was wrong when my grandpa offered me weed and I felt so relieved to just get high after being sober the whole trip? No, of course not.

So then we can talk about the fact that I was getting nearly blackout drunk twice a week. Genuinely, I'd been trying to drink less prior to this. I had started having really bad stomach problems every time I drank especially wine, so I was trying to cut down (fun fact, this was likely a result from drinking too much in the first place, and I'm very glad I listened to my body). The problem? I don't back down from a challenge. I'll chug anything. If I'm drunk enough, I'm the challenger. I'm the guy who finishes people's drinks because they "know I can" and get me to drink more. Don't even get me started on the fact that people love giving me free drinks for being charming and talented (I... I wish I was kidding but that's just what I've been told). But basically, I see drinking like a competition, and I have two separate friend circles who like to go out every week, ergo, getting properly shitfaced twice a week. Luckily because I had been cutting back, alcohol is the least of my problems right now, it's more the social element that's dangerous and I need to be changing where and how I hang out with people, too. Fun fact: I can drink alone because I don't actually like being drunk (another pro tip- if you don't like how something feels, maybe don't do it!), I just think beer tastes nice, so I'll have one with a meal once in like a literal blue moon (haha... ha. Get it.) Another scary story for you, a friend of mine who is virtually a drinking buddy (red flag #1 and, list of relationships I need to change) and I were drinking at her house (red flag #2) and she invited a new person to introduce me to after taking us outside to smoke a buncha pot (substances in my body at this point: 2) and some cigarettes (substances: 3, red flag #3). I don't even like being crossfaded literally at all (I don't like being drunk or weed high so??? Why would I do this??? The answer is addiction but we're getting to that). I was already very drunk, and beginning to get nauseated from the weed thanks to my new problem when the usually-pleasant dizziness of cigarettes kicked in as we took the lift up to my friend's apartment. My introduction to this new person she was having me meet was me excusing myself to throw up in the bathroom at like 4pm on a Sunday. There is a time and a place, and this was not it.

So let's take a tally: so far, we're at three substances, with two left to go.

Cigarettes. I've learned a lot of people don't even think of them as a drug, which is kind of fucking insane, considering... well, everything about them. I started smoking a little over a year ago because I always thought I'd like it (we'll get into some mild pathology shortly), then continued because it was fun and accessible, and then by October I was smoking more and more because of unavoidable stress (gee I wonder what happened in October that could've caused that!). I was smoking so much that I was smoking through having the fucking FLU and while marching myself to the urgent care for tamiflu I chainsmoked so much I puked in the urgent care for what I lied and told them was "unrelated to why I was there." I only starting smoking more after that. Now, I've never been a pack-a-day type, but once I'd hiked my way up to smoking five a day and feeling absolutely nothing from it--just doing "maintenance"--I wanted to smoke less so it could become fun again. I should also note that I did restrict myself in some ways with cigarettes, because I wouldn't smoke after like, 8pm unless it was a night out because they made me too wired to sleep. Quitting cigarettes has been the hardest thing (which is what everyone says), but it's even harder because 1) they literally help you quit the harder stuff (another fun fact, cigarettes make you crave alcohol and weed less, I saw it in an NIH study somewhere (I can't find it bc I'm bad at Words to do the Google thing); problem is that conversely drinking makes you want to smoke and smoking makes you need to drink more to feel drunk) and 2) This is the one drug I actually genuinely like, and I don't intend on quitting it fully, I just want to reframe it as a fun thing not a maintenance thing, which is really difficult because see point #1.

And finally, shrooms. These guys genuinely were a good idea, for a while. Seriously- shrooms helped me a lot. I take certain medications which happen to prevent or stop bad trips, so I only ever had a good time... for a while. It helped me work out a lot of emotional stuff. No hangover, would feel great for days after... And then I started doing them everyday because I was in the middle of such a bad bipolar episode that I was either manic or suicidal one minute to the next and totally spiralled out of control. I barely even remember those weeks, I just remember not being able to walk hardly because I was so high, crying myself to sleep because I didn't want to be high anymore, I just wanted to be happy. The thing is about shrooms is that they'll only amplify whatever you've got going on, which I consciously knew, but you're not thinking logically when you're in the middle of a bipolar swing. I tried doing them every other week after that, and eventually stopped entirely when I finally realized it wasn't helping. And yes- I was following microdosing advice, it just super isn't for me. I settled on doing one trip a month, which really did help my mental health for a time, but it was just a bandaid, like any addiction is. Then when I started having my additional addiction issues come to fruition I started taking shrooms to go out, and man, taking shrooms as a party drug is so not the move because they're so wonderfully meditative, but I was taking them just because I had some on hand. You can see where the drug problem was starting to be realized. I still genuinely think shrooms can be great but 1) sparingly 2) in the right environment 3) not as an unsupervised mental health aid (especially if you have bipolar). This period of time was really when I started expressing addictive behaviours in a serious way, I think.

I can spot about sixty different reasons I ended up here. Trauma's a good start. Birth father was a serious addict and so was my mom, and later in life my parents were teetotallers because of it. I straight up just thought drugs seemed like a good time because I got into rave music and metal via scene kid culture in like 2010 (which I am still into those things and god it's not helping). Potential of partying in undergrad dashed by lockdown, saved for graduate school emotional breakdowns. Bipolar disorder. Being an academic should be on the list for things that might make you addiction prone, good lord (and not to mention cigarettes being part od the classic academic and poet aesthetics, both of which I am). I like going clubbing and dancing and raves. And really, I just always knew I'd like drugs, had a bucket list of ways I wanted to experience them, and so when I had the ability to do so, I did. Truthfully though, I don't regret any of this. I got the experiences I wanted, and I'm facing the consequences, but for me, that's part of life; there's no use in regretting your actions having very obvious and predictable consequences, like, once it's done, it's done.

Now I'm in the position of smoking half a cigarette a few times a day so I don't take a shitton of benadryl or literally slit my wrists. Now I say that second part very specifically because cutting is also an addiction, and something I have been trying not to do for most of my entire life. Trauma's a bitch like that, and many other comorbidities. I'd avoided cutting entirely until a couple weeks ago and I scared myself so shitless with it that I did a buncha drugs instead! Holy shit, but like... Better? I guess? Basically, I'm so afraid of the world that I'd rather not experience it at all, but I don't actually want to die, so instead I just have to microdose self-destruction so I can feel in control of the fear. See how that sentence could've been about, say, alcoholism or cutting?

My goal is not to be totally clean forever; I do just really like cigarettes and a good beer occasionally, I just don't want it to be a coping mechanism, I want it to be fun, and I want to be alive.

Thank you and everyone for your kind words recently, it has genuinely made getting through this so much easier.

And yes, I'm seeking professional help.

[theonethatyaks93]

I’m Back!!! + Episode 10 Rant

Hi everyone! Sorry about the lack of posts aside from re-blogs over the past few days; I was on vacation. But, I’m back now and ready to party!

I have a pretty steep uploading schedule for the next few weeks. I plan on making a new post every day or every other day for the next month or so. Some things on the agenda include some of my extended thoughts on Season 3 along with my (pretty controversial and interesting) opinions on “All’s Fair in Love and Door” and Brain as a whole from the reboot, my ranking of every Pinky and The Brain segment from the reboot, an analysis on brinky moments from the reboot’s three seasons, and a few more posts involving my Animaniacs merchandise and some personal stories. This is going to be a lot, but I’m making up for lost time. Anyways, now that I’ve explained my absence, I need to talk about something besides my schedule. So here’s a rant on episode 10 of season 3 for you to enjoy! I’m so glad to be back! Narf!

Spoiler alert: This dives into minor spoilers for season 3, episode 10 of the reboot. Proceed at your own risk!

I’m so frustrated at this finale. So, very frustrated. This was the most disappointing thing to come from the Animaniacs franchise. I get that they ran out of time to make an adequate conclusion due to the show’s cancellation, but they still could’ve done better than this. This episode was not funny, there were a lot of false promises, the concepts were bland, and I just felt so empty after watching this. Each segment proved to be worse than the last and was underwhelming in some way. I wished the show ended on a different note and while I’m still a fan of the show, I just can’t help but feel upset.

“International Mouse of Mystery” was good, but they lied to us! It’s only a cold-opening, not a full segment. While the song was fantastic (Pinky is amazing at everything he does), the animation was expressive, and the jokes were funny, I wished that this was longer. Is this the last appearance of the mice? I hope it’s not because that would be just plain sad. This should have came earlier in the season and instead, the Christmas episode should’ve been the finale. I still liked this segment quite a bit.

“Aliens Resurrected” was a tad bit of a letdown to me. The song was good, but it wasn’t as good as “A Brief History of History.” I loved the animation and the premise, but the “International Mouse of Mystery” song and the song from the Christmas episode were better overall. This song was the last one from the reboot and that’s kind of sad. I just thought that this segment promised more than it gave us, but I still liked it enough.

I didn’t pay that much attention to “Joe”. Just a one-off segment with good animation and nothing else. That’s it.

“The Stickening” was the episode that disappointed me the most. The story was so promising with the Warners going to an amusement park and getting stuck together. Unfortunately, the segment just evolved into chaos with barely any laughs or any substance. The ending was bull-crap and it was just so unremarkable and un-funny. I hated it so much since this was the final appearance of a majority of the cast including Pinky, Brain, and Ralph. Some people may like it, but I’m just not a fan.

“Slappy’s Return” was a nice one-off segment with a funny punchline. I loved seeing Slappy again, but I wish it was longer. This was fun and I was laughing a lot at how meta it was. Not much to say here, it was just nice.

“Everyday Safety: Giant Adirondack Chair” was the worst segment from the entire season in my opinion and one of the worst segments from the reboot. It wasn’t funny, it dragged on too long, it was boring, and it gave us the stupidest ending in the history of endings. The Warners just being killed was such a lackluster way to conclude the series and I was actually screaming at my T.V. I was so angry and upset. I can’t believe that this is how it ended. I know it was rushed but come on! They can do a million times better than this!!! I never want to watch, talk, or hear about this segment ever again. I love this show, and it deserved a better ending than this.

This episode pissed me off so much. Only two segments of great quality were here while the rest ranged from okay to god-awful. I won’t be watching this episode ever again except for the cold-opening and the Slappy segment. I don’t consider this to be the finale. I much prefer Wakko’s Wish, “Star Warners”, or “The Animaniacs Suite.” Watch those instead of this, please. I can’t believe that this is real and I am so angry and mad about all the decisions made. I’m sorry if I come off as too aggressive here, but I really am truly devastated about this. I need to talk about the mice or I’m going to explode. Don’t worry, though! My next post will be way more positive (I think)!

[king-aridam]

Wrote some hate poetry for my father that isn’t trauma detail heavy so I can actually share. Cheers.

[TW: a lot of mentions of death + small mention of Xtian religion in a blasphemous way]

I HOPE MY DAUGHTER NEVER FEELS THIS WAY AT NIGHT.

Every time I get an update on my father’s health, I find myself satisfied in knowing he is slowly poisoning himself to death. Bottle by bottle, I wonder if he still collects the caps. I wonder if the number of caps is anywhere near the sheer amount of fragmented psyches I possess in my brain.

It’s complicated, you know. It’s not so black and white. You were a good man, sometimes. If you blink, you’ll miss it. But I was never allowed to blink, so I saw the good and the bad and the awful and the cowardly and the filthy and the evil and every single version of you I cannot even begin to name.

Sometimes my parts miss you, though they would also sooner cut off their own hand than to reach for you. Every time we feel a small piece of sympathy for you, a loud and booming voice within, comprised of all of our voices in tandem, yells

“LET OUR FATHER DIE. LET HIM ROT. IT IS WHAT HE DID TO US.”

I’ve said before that my childhood bed was the first grave I woke up in, and for years more and more of us were killed by your cruelty, by your cowardice, by your lies, your actions, your lack of actions. We are a graveyard of tortured souls, many but one.

Were the lotto tickets worth it, dad? Did you win big? I know you sit there drowning in regret, I know that you know what became of us. Our old host let slip that we had DID to you, none the wiser of the fact you created it. That you allowed others to have a hand in creating it. Many, many hands.

You lied when you acted like you didn’t know what DID was. You’ve always been a piss-poor liar, at least to me. When you lie you stumble over your words, so different from your normal confident demeanor. When you lie you can’t look me in the eyes.

I know why you can’t look me in the eyes.

It’s the same reason every time I look at myself in the mirror and see my blue eyes I only feel disgust. I have my father’s eyes, and the eyes of my abusers looked similar. Different shades of blue, from the ocean to the sky, to the fake bright-blue of contact lenses. I look into my own eyes and I see the eyes of men that killed us time and time again.

I can’t look myself in the eyes either.

I could be worse, you know. You cry and whine that I never see you, you blame ME for your pain. I could be so much worse. I could be like you, a miserable and pathetic thing.

If you ever try to contact me again I’ll rip your heart out through your throat. I’ll watch you gasp and sob and plead, I’ll ask if you took a page from our book.

I’ll take a page from yours and ignore you, watching you convulse and scream in agony. I will know that you will know that I fucking know what you’ve done and I’ve always known what you’ve done and the last thing you deserve is Mercy. I am your God, now, I get to make the choices for you, now.

I get to watch you bleed and bleed and bleed.

My rage, a hemopihilia.

Poisoned seeds come from poisoned fruit, I see too much of you in me, but this me I had to become was because of you. I am breaking that cycle of poison and pain, I am making myself a better man than you will ever be, a better God than you ever prayed to. I make myself in my own fucking image, and I’ll make you beg for my forgiveness and then I’ll turn away, just like you did. Just like they all did.

There are no words within the English lexicon that will ever begin to even touch how much I fucking hate you. I tried to Google synonyms for hate to find them for this fucking poem and none of them hold a candle to how much I despise you, how much I loathe you, how much I want you to destroy yourself in your guilt.

I don’t have to heal beautifully and tenderly, because my trauma was neither beautiful nor tender. It was torturous, it was agonizing, it was worse than my therapist has ever heard in her double decades of treating trauma patients. Why should I have to heal in a way that appeals to everyone else when my torture is so horrific, so gut-wrenchingly vile that even speaking non-specifics makes people so sick they cannot stomach any more. How do you think I feel having LIVED IT.

Some may call me malevolent or cruel, they may preach to me about how even bad people deserve to live life, and they may say that I have no right to decide who is allowed to live and die. Who gets to be happy and who gets to suffer. I know that. I’m not actually God, after all. I’m not that much of a sadist.

I am allowed to heal horrifically. I’m allowed to heal loudly. I’m allowed to wish for revenge, I’m allowed to be loathsome and cruel towards the people who were even worse than that to me.

There are no words to describe how much I hate you, but I know that I don’t need to speak them aloud because you already know. You already think them about yourself. It’s why you refuse treatment, it’s why you’re letting yourself die.

I just wish you’d do me a fucking favor and die quicker.