#but i can't go back now. only forwards. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bloomingbluebell · 4 months

Text

one of the hardest lessons i've had to learn - and am still learning - is how to trust myself when i say something's wrong.

we talk about imposter syndrome and internalized ableism a lot, but not a lot about what it really means. i've had to tell myself no, i'm not overreacting, i'm in pain. or that the sounds and lights irritate me to the point i'm about to start screaming. or that i do have problems handwriting because my hand cramps up.

it took me a long time to start asking for and accepting help because i would always tell myself i didn't deserve it. i was just overreacting or being dramatic and i didn't really need it. i can get by fine without it after all!

but then i stopped being able to get by without help. suddenly it wasn't an option to go without help. i needed to ask for it, and i needed to go through the proper channels to get the support i need. it stopped being an option and started being a necessity.

i'm not saying it's easy. it's not. i still have days where i'm ashamed to be caught doing certain things. i still feel self conscious when i walk onto the bus and i'm using my cane as a visibly young person. i still put it away as fast as i can because i can walk without it, it just hurts more, and i get tired faster. i still hate being caught doing certain stims in public, and i still lie awake at night analyzing every conversation i had and where i went wrong (even if nothing went wrong). it's not easy. but sometimes it really comes down to having to choose between two bad things.

#internalized ableism #disability #man i remember at my first job when i told my coworker i had ADHD and followed it up with “but don't tell [manager]”#because i thought i would get fired for it + not being officially diagnosed + not telling her beforehand #im still that way with my autism too. i hate telling people irl especially those not (openly) in autistic communities #but it's a necessity. even if i have to fight to make sure my accommodations are in place every semester #even if i have to be vulnerable with people i don't want to be vulnerable with #i sometimes wish i could go back to being 16 and telling myself to take a gap year #or two or three. dont take the option to graduate early #wait until you're 20 and then apply for post secondary #try working for a few years. get some experience #take those courses you're missing to make it easier on yourself later on #i would have done so much differently #but i can't go back now. only forwards.

2 notes · View notes

starheirxero · 9 months

Text

For the record, I think soooo much about a potential AU where Eclipse really commits to the "false hope" plan and grits his teeth through every act because he's like "the more I seem genuine and the more they believe me, then the worse they'll feel when I finally stab them in the back!!" and every act of kindness he commits is under his idea of "oh man they're falling for my act sooo hard rn"

and then when he's eventually been completely integrated as at least a friend to the celestial siblings, he sits back and goes "man. now would be a great time to betray them right?" and then he finally looks at it all and realizes he doesn't truly want that now and he's just like "oh. oh." and is probably wildly conflicted and emotional about it

#xero says things #xero thoughts and rambles #i can only imagine that there's a MASSIVE breakdown over the fact he's in an okay and happy situation now #because now he doesn't know how to move forward. he doesn't know what comes next.#when he was cruel and evil then he knew that he could expect someone to come for revenge. he knew he could expect the same hatred back.#so now the floor has caved underneath him and there's probably a long moment where he tried to go /back/ to those ways just to feel a-#-sense of normalcy again. but now his feelings and hus enviroment have changed and he can't commit to that as wholly #so it's a slow but steady process of the sibling's getting eclipse a ground to stand on methinks. or smth. yk #tsams #eclipse #sun and moon show #sams eclipse

72 notes · View notes

flightyalrighty · 3 months

Note

I fully understand wanting money for this sort of thing but ngl putting out a crowdfund post for a new gaming controller when most of the donation posts on this website are for things like evacuation funds or basic necessities seems..... in poor taste? Not trying to hate I swear, and I don't think you meant anything by it at all , it just looks that way from my point of view

I mean, that's why I'm offering something in return? Bro I'm not just begging for money for a controller, I'm offering a service in return for this.

#Anonymous #asks #Plus if you check my main blog it's been nothing BUT those donation posts #I am quite literally only doing this because I CANNOT and I mean *CANNOT* afford it myself #I can't afford ANYTHING right now I am Dirt Poor I am in a *very bad financial situation*#at the very least I'd like the ability to play a video game i've been looking forward to instead of sitting and twiddling my thumbs going #“ah well them's the breaks” and go back to my 8am -> 9pm work schedule and simply never have fun

27 notes · View notes

vargaslovinghours · 7 months

Photo

Happy Vargasversary! Only one meme this year, but I do have a few Vargas-themed online dolls and Picrews for your viewing pleasure lol

I’m so sad about Flash!! It’s just not the same with Ruffle, at least there’s Flashpoint. Anyway, pretty sure I made this Scriabin before the shutdown haha

I can’t find this one, which is such a shame! I think it’s a total classic :0 Something something computer Scriabin haha, there’s no long hair option! Wires are a good enough stand-in

Had to do it the other way around too of course. Don’t tease him! (Do tease him)

Kitty!Edgar! Being able to add things like his glasses, goatee, striped “shirt”, even his bangs! So many lovely options 💕

Feeling normal, covered in blood. I always love when Makers include the Red String, it is Excellent ✨

Rinamaru‘s Anime Avatar Creator, THE maker GOAT to me ♥ Got a sequence of Edgar newly face-cut-up, with the bandaid on his nose, and then “fully” healed hehe

Ladyverse!Jake and Edgar! ♥ I think I was going to make Scriabin as well but there weren’t enough features that’d suit him so these two got the feature instead ♪ I can’t find this one either, I think it’s a Picrew though...? Update: Smol found it!! Thank you!!

Smol also made the boys with one of her fave Picrews! For only really knowing Vargas from my incessant talk (lol), I think she captured them quite lovely :D

I also had to give them a go of course haha, I’m very happy for the option to remove eyes lol

#💟#Shitpost #You think that just because I only have one meme I'm going to miss a national holiday???#Lol #21 years........ Vargas can now drink in the US lol #I know I had another meme edit in mind like a week ago and it's been eluding me ever since >:0 #Well if it comes back to me I'll have one ready for next time haha #I've been on the fence about sharing these sillies because well - they're silly! But they're also cute and I like them :)#Shame about the ones I can't find now I even scoured Flashpoint for the one I know was around before Flash shut down :(#I really can't remember what the girls sitting next to each other one is tho >m< If anyone recognizes them I'd love a link!#Very much want to give credit to these lovely artists <3 #Scriabin is shockingly difficult to make in dollmakers lol - he's just too beautiful to be correctly perceived smh #Edgar on the other hand is quite easy so he gets a lot of the spotlight haha #I rarely stray outside of those two but hmm maybe going forward seeing if I can make a complete set ♪#Anyhow lol

23 notes · View notes

seonghwasblr · 1 month

Text

SVT coming to Europe for the first time ever in 9 years (not counting Gastonbury, cause that was sold out a year before they were announced, so carats didn't get a chance to go) and it's not even going to be ot13 should be a crime.. AND IT'S BECAUSE OF A SCHEDULE?!

#maja talks #i'm so upset for real #like i'm happy for jun and all but really?#you announced lollapalooza long ago and now suddenly he's got something else?#i'm not even going but got fuck you hybe i hate you so so so much #i will never not be angry about hybe ruining my chances to see svt live #like fuck you so much #(but maja covid was the reason for the 2020 cancelations yeah but hybe is the reason they never got rescheduled!!!)#i saw one of my mutuals from like 2015 make a post a couple of years ago about how she got to see svt as 13 four times in one year #and here i am as a european being shit on for 9 years straight #i hate it here so much and i'm so upset and i probably shouldn't be this upset but i am #fuck hybe and fuck bang shihyuk and fuck everyone that made that fuckass company so powerful #i hate it so much #i knew they were never going to take coming to europe seriously after joining that fuckass company #and yet i can't help but be so damn disappointed #it's been 9 years...#i remember where i was when the 2020 europe dates were announced #i was sitting in a train and i was so happy i was shaking so hard #i got a ticket with a great seat for the Berlin concert and i was so happy #i've never been so excited and happy #and then covid happened and everything got cancelled and they never even addressed it #they only ever said “we were sad the tour ended earlier than expected” in their yt documentary and that was the only mention of it #then the japan dome tour had to be pushed forward (not even really cancelled if i remember correctly) and they made wholeass apology videos #saying how sad they were and blah blah blah still no mention of europe at all #then like the day after europe got cancelled they uploaded a video of hoshi dancing with fans at one of the us stops #and it really just felt like they stepped on my heart and threw it in a trashcan lol #then they joined hybe and hybe got obsessed with dynamic pricing and ruined everything #ruined all chance of us seeing them as ot13 #(maybe they'll finally acknowledge us for real when they get back from enlistment in maybe 6 years but who knows)#i for real shouldn't be this affected

7 notes · View notes

distance-does-not-matter · 2 months

Text

it's about the fact i've got all this love screaming inside of me and i can't do a thing about it

#i will love you if i never see you again and i will love you if i see you every tuesday #penni yeets her thoughts into the void #i hope she's blessed every day and i want only the best for her. also. hhhhhhh.#we might have been in the same place in the same time and years ago we would've constructed elaborate plans and shrieked with joy when we #saw each other #now i'm just confused and angry and upset #and maybe seeing her would've made it worse. and maybe i'd have gotten closure #idk. i gotta pray but idk where to start but incoherent noises #it's a tangle in my chest and i thought i had it figured out. but i don't #and we can't go back we can't be how we were. and i just have to move forward

13 notes · View notes

manasurge · 3 months

Text

bleh

#blabbering #rambling/whining/complaining/venting ahead:#I think the horrors have finally caught up to me and the depresso is starting to take hold #i don't usually experience this until winter but I think the sudden drop of activity and people going on hiatus and such -#has triggered this early for me #basically I can't be left alone with my thoughts for too long or i start spiraling REALLY badly.#i don't really handle change very well haha...#i have the notorious curse of second guessing anything and everything and putting it on repeat in my head and then amplifying it #which sucks bc I don't have any more escapisms that work now bc this was already my escapism and I have no human connections irl #(I'm not kidding either. I've failed time and time again to make friends irl and was always the proactive one about it. But alas... ugh)#my only source for connections is online bc i struggle to make friends (especially at my age and how my energy keeps depleting and depletin #might lowkey be sharkweek but usually I just get more agitated and not this (this is very specific to the winter horrors™ for me)#i guess I may as well check out the spears while they're around still (tho in between me making dinner). I'm just feeling super bummed out #and not excited like I was the other day about it (ofc I blame the depresso™).#I don't even know what to do for my beta characters. Head empty. Head gone. sigh.#also it sucks bc next week is gonna kick my ass at work (canada day/july 4th/july in general/5 DAYS and long shifts in there too)#i'm going to be so tired and so alone and with nothing to look forward to. Idk what to do bc none of my usual distractions are effective no #No escape. No seretonin. No company. Nothin'. I notice I when i start getting bad like this when I fall back hard into pokemon #(because it was my childhood escapism and I was a neglected only child who was left alone a lot; hence the connection lol)#i'll probably just have to suffer through it and be an absolute wreck of a person i think. I don't really have any other options #watch me get sick again bc canada sucks to work bc everyone has it off and they ALL GO TO THE STORE I WORK AT AND IT SUCKS.#gonna try to draw more too but the depresso is eating my brain worms (the healthy brain worms)

9 notes · View notes

youremyonlyhope · 5 months

Text

why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up

#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director #and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production #and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out #but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again #i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately #so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me #i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me #i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added #and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad #anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great #but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else #but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing #and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us #and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing #and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more #especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING #and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented #if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt #i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help #and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh #brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.

3 notes · View notes

manicmouse · 3 months

Text

Batman: Gargoyle of Gotham #3 keeps getting pushed back and I'm sick of it 😠😞😭

Do ya think they're really gonna go through with killing Bruce Wayne off???

Like we all know why him also being Bruce Wayne is important but god it'd be so interesting to see him go through with it ya know? I'd like to see him realize what a mistake that was or maybe it might not have been depending on where they're going with this Ajagahaj There's so much potential in this universe that it's maddening!?!

#For him to see areas in which he could've used Bruce but can't now.#I want to know if he's going to change his mind on the protests #I also like his characterization so far obviously a younger angrier more narrow minded batman but it's the growth I'm looking forward too🤌#I do think that if he does 'die' later he'd pop back up and say he faked it 🤔 I don't think he can only be Batman #batman gargoyle of gotham #batman #bruce wayne

2 notes · View notes

dbphantom · 4 months

Text

maybe i should have gone into practical effects instead of computer science...

#when i was in middle school i used to use red and black pens + spit for blending to make it look like the backs of my hands were torn open #i can't believe it's almost 4am. i just spent 5 hours typing up an essay about MM's erik that i just fuckin privated bc i was embarrassed #AND I STILL NEVER SPELL HIS NAME RIGHT THE FIRST TIME AAAAAAAA #i was right but im going to save all my points for the fanfic im currently planning out and promptly NEVER GOING TO ACTUALLY WRITE #I say shoving my plans for my h2o s3 rewrite off the table #yes i skipped from s2 to s3 i had a BRILLIANT idea [season 3 h2o spoilers ahead be wary my mutuals who are still watching]#okay so you know how lewis goes to the american institute of marine bio in the middle of 3? since this is tied to my s2 rewrite fic i wante #to actually finally reasonably re-introduced dr denman to the story because i never liked that she just fucked off at the end of s1 #despite WITNESSING the moon pool magic. so i made it so she runs into lewis while doing a presentation for the college and they have a chat #(because her JAW paper plays an important part in my s2 rewrite bc i imagine lewis is the kind of guy who SAYS he deleted every copy of #it... but ACTUALLY he secretly printed himself out a copy to study in private to compare to his own notes bc #[lewis voice] come *on* guys just THINK of the progress that he could make with this! [grabby hands in front of chest])#so yeah they have a chat and Linda kind of gives Lewis the opposite dilemma in s3 that Louise gives him in s1 about science and magic #since SHE knows about the moon pool and has been biding her time and she knows Lewis knows and Lewis is like ah... uh oh.#it will eventually tie into the idea it's not about forcing science and magic together or separating them #its abt respectfully and responsibly utilizing both to see their fullest potential. which lewis learned in s2 and Linda has... not.#BUT #later on she gets a call from 1 (one) ryan who is like 'hey so i heard u did environmental studies on mako for dr bennett a couple years ag #and i was wondering if you've seen anything weird there as im currently doing a-' and she's immediately like 'YOU SON OF A BITCH IM IN'#and he's like 'wha-' and she's like 'i have already booked my plane tickets we're going to have a great time we have lots to talk about :)'#and wheeee now they have someone who knows about mermaids on their team and it's the perfect way to bring lewis back to relevancy in s3 :D #it also gives me reason to have two bad bitches (linda and sophie) meet and get to know each other which is not a dynamic ive seen in #any of the H2O fics i've ever read so im very hyped to delve into how they'll play off each other #also charlotte is there so technically three bad bitches (only in my au Charlotte never lost her tail and is part of the gang she just move #because she felt like she needed to leave to really be able to find herself without being in her grandmother's shadow but she comes back bc #well... it's season 3 mako is sounding the fucking emergency alarms everyone is showing up sdkghkfjhg)#im also so so so hyped to show u guys who's coming back in the s2 rewrite because it ISNT denman and i think everyone thinks it will be :3c #(i said she when telling ppl to look forward to a familiar face... but can u blame me for getting hype she's one of my favorite characters!#i love u H2O #cruddy rambles

2 notes · View notes

warlordfelwinter · 1 year

Text

oh we love to see gale say 'you might be onto something' when rain says mystra is probably manipulating him. that's growth

#i thought he was going to be mad at rain for suggesting that #i know i'm literally playing a character that's sleeping with a god in my dnd game so like i can't really judge gale #but mystra's thing with gale always seemed a little manipulative to me #telling him he's chosen and all and then throwing him out after one fuck up #only to come back and be like 'no i'll forgive you if you kill yourself' when she could definitely probably fix him pretty easily #and just hasn't until now when it's suddenly useful to her does she decide to have someone come put a pause on gale's impending death #like if we meet her rain is going to give her a piece of his mind #fel's bg3 #oc: rain #at least asmodeus is straight forward with celeste #and weirdly more forgiving than mystra lmao

8 notes · View notes

apocalypticdemon · 1 year

Text

Nothing like having a tattoo on the schedule and then getting told 4 days before the appointment that the artist didn't get an update I sent in March and was uncomfortable with the work, but just straight up wasn't gonna tell me. Cool.

#anyway I've wanted this tattoo for like 7 years and can't fucking get artists where i am to answer me #and im just. livid. bc she goes oh well youre appointment time isnt long enough to do the work and only told me that bc i reached out to #double check that everything was still good.#what the fuck was she gonna do when i showed up to the appointment??? just tell me 'oh no i dont wanna do this and we dont have time' ?????#ive never had a tattoo before and im trying to do it right but apparently im too fucking stupid to do this. i guess.#idk man i was so excited and now i just. dont think this thing ive been looking forward to for months is going to happen.#tempted to email her back again with a screenshot and timestamp of the email i sent her and then just say fuck it. bye.#i wont but she also hasn't answered my email either so. what the fuck ever.

10 notes · View notes

purrpickle · 2 years

Text

Nooooo. I can't have nerves already. The livestream is thirteen and a half hours away. But no. Neeeerves.

Anxiety, why?

#i can't even go back to sleep so i will have to nap later #(my stupid plan was to sleep very very late so i'd be extra wide awake for the episode and after #but no #now i've only gotten about 5 1/2 hours of sleep and screwed myself #ughhhhhhhh)#gap the series #i will probably just reblog this post with more liveblogging throughout the day #because i know i will need to #this has been a post #i am just going to exhaust myself from the anxiety alone and am not looking forward to it

9 notes · View notes

reitziluz · 2 years

Text