#but i am tired of feeling lost and like an immature child.

[apocalypticdemon]

one day i'll feel like a capable adult. probably. i hope.

[muiltifandomnerd]

Adventures of Chika Hanabusa: The Restoration of Earth

Disclaimer: This book follows the events of Percy Jackson and Heros of Olympus fanfic, this fanfic will not include Trails of Apollo, The Kane Chronicles, and Magnus Chase.

Chapter 26: Meeting Lost Relatives

Chika PoV

Reyna and I are holding hands and moving uphill. Past the black gates with the name on top that says, Spiti. Isabelle and Hyun were waiting for us in top hill next to a woman who looks like to be in her thirties. She was wearing a long skirt around her ankle and had a cute shirt that has a lion in a carton print. As I was walking towards them, I noticed the lady has similar black hair as my mother but also bright green eyes.

“So, you must be Chika Hanabusa, it is the pleasure to meet my granddaughter. It is rare that I can see my children’s demigods.” The lady says and suddenly she hold Isabelle and I up in the air, and held us close hold to her chest like we’re babies.

“What do you mean granddaughter, wait are you Demeter’s mother?” The lady did a small smile and start kissing both Isabelle and I on the cheeks and hug us harder. I do kind of feel suffocated.

“Yes, I am Demeter’s mother. My name is Rhea, Queen of the Titans and Titaness of motherhood.” That is so cool, I never thought that I could meet her, I thought you must be a child of the big three to get special privileges like that.

“So are the other titans here, Queen Rhea?” Isabelle asked and the lady let us go from her embrace. She rubbed Isabelle head and kiss her forehead, and Isabelle face becomes red and shyly tucked her long hair behind her ear.

“Yeah, they are here, they will be back around in two days.” Rhea answered and she just pinched Isabelle and my cheeks.

“You girls are so cute; I would love to get to know you two betters.” Rhea squeal, while Reyna looks shocked that the mother of the gods is acting like a stereotypical grandmother. Reyna was just staring at her and deciding whether to bow or not. Suddenly a Japanese boy with messy black hair and ocean blue eyes appeared and his wear swim shorts and basketball jersey. Wait is that Kaito? The last time I saw him was at my 16th birthday party. I didn’t think and I just tackled him to the ground while Kaito was wearing a smirk.

“Miss me little cousin?” Kaito lifts me up and strokes my hair.

“Shut up, you are only older than me by 5 months.” I say snarky while Kaito just laughs.

“Anyway, what’s going on with you Chika, did you finally get a girlfriend?” Kaito smile that insufferable cocky smile, I still don’t understand how other girls can have crushes on that. He’s literally the player stereotype. He’s holding me close to his chest while stroking my hair.

“I finally did!!!!” I say excited while Kaito looks a bit shocked.

“Is it that white girl Isabelle?” he asked teasingly and his eyes sparkled mischief. Ok he smells horrible, I quickly got off him.

“No, it’s not Isabelle. Please take a shower, you smell like garbage” I covered my noise and Kaito just laughed loudly.

“I don’t want to take a shower” Kaito whined like a child, he’s still so immature. Man, it will be a miracle if he finds himself a girlfriend.

“Anyway, this is my girlfriend Reyna” I lead him to Reyna, Rhea, Isabelle, and Hyun are at. It seems they were in the middle of a conversation. Kaito looks at Reyna and offers her his hand. Reyna just stares at Kaito like he’s an intruder.

“Reyna, this is my cousin Kaito” I say as Reyna take Kaito hand and Kaito whispers in my ear, “She’s way out of your league.”

“Hey Rhea, is my mom will be back from helping out in the Antarctica?” Kaito asked impatiently.

“You ask me this so many times little one, your mother is very busy woman. She will be back, and she will spend a lot of time with you.” Rhea says in a tired tone like she hears that question a million times.

“Ok” Kaito says childishly. Isabelle, Reyna, and Hyun were staring at Kaito, and I like we’re test subjects.

“How the hell are you Chika’s cousin?” Isabelle says loudly and Kaito just shrugs.

“Beats me, I’m way to good looking compared to this one over there.” Kaito says jokingly as he points to me.

“I give you a 6 on a good day” Isabelle says sarcastically and did a small smirk.

“Ahhh Chika, please control that bitch over there” Kaito says in mock hurt, but Isabelle just flips him off.

“Did you just call my girlfriend ugly Kaito” Reyna glaring fire at him and took a step forward towards him, I pulled Reyna back from attacking him.

“I’m joking Reyna, I don’t find Chika ugly at all. I was just busting your chops.” Kaito says while sweat coming down his forehead.

“Chika, your girlfriend is scary.” Kai says in a horrified tone while I cast a proud smirk.

“Chika, there is something I need to share with you privately, do you want to walk with me” Kaito held my hand and I look to Rhea in approval and she just nods. Kaito and I went to the log that we sit and it’s not far from the settlement.

“Hey Chika, I just want to let you know that I have a secret and only the people of this settlement know about it. You’re the only family I can talk to about this is because both you and I are related to Greek deities.” Kaito says in a gentle manner. He hugs me and I kiss him on the cheek.

“You can tell me anything Kaito.” I reassured him and I used my powers to give him a apple and Kaito bite into it quickly. Kaito eats very fast if he’s super nervous, so it’s no surprise that he finished the apple up in like 2 minutes.

“This may be shocking, But I’m sharing a body with a god. The god in question is more powerful than both Poseidon and Oceanus combined.” He says nervously and rubbing the back of his head. If he’s mentioning sea deities than the god in question could be something related to the marine.

“Kaito, I have a same problem as well, I’m also sharing a body with a god as well. I give you a hint, she’s the titans mother.” Kaito has eyes and mouth wide open in shock.

“Not you to, she must be a nightmare.” Kaito looks on in sympathy.

“Enough about me, who is the god that you are sharing your body with?” I asked while Kaito looks on the ground.

“His name is Pontus and he’s the sea itself like how Gaia is the earth. He’s not a bad guy by any means, he just wants to explore the world or even guide people about how to maintain the sea. The thing is that Poseidon could be paranoid and might try to kill us all because he could find me a threat to his kingdom, but that’s assuming if he is like Zeus. I think the only issue with Pontus is that the guy could be a bit moody. He’s not evil or anything, but he does need a bit more self-awareness with how he can unintentional could drown us all.” Kaito says in a quiet tone that is a bit close to whispering.

“Yeah, these gods are super moody, but I don’t mind helping them out. At first, Gaia did process me and tried to hurt Hyun and other deities during the quest. After the situation, she and I work things out and all Gaia cares about is that the earth is unharmed. I promised to help her out and all she told me is to seek the satyr named Grover” Kaito stares at me and did a small smile.

“I guess it is up to us to help these old farts out.” Kaito chuckled and I laughed with him.

“It really is, I guess we are the cursed Hanabusa” I joked and Kaito laughs like crazy.

“We are more cursed than our father generation. At least they just screwed goddesses.” We both continued laughing about our fates. The important thing is that we have each other. We both walked towards Rhea, Hyun, Reyna, and Isabelle. It looks like Rhea is giving a tour towards Isabelle and Reyna while Hyun is just do lifting things up in the air though magic for funsies. As I walked towards them, I heard a voice in my head.

“Chika, I want to communicate with my daughter, I promise that no one will be harm.” Gaia telepathically says in my head.

“Ok I don’t mind if you just want to talk to rhea.” I say to Gaia telepathically, this will take time to get used to.

I felt my eyes becoming green and I felt my consciousness back at the flower field that I talk to Gaia.

Gaia PoV

I’m glad that mortal didn’t put much of a fight this time, I just want to speak to Rhea. She’s surrounded by demigods, and I approached her. Rhea looked alert at my presence, and she pulled the demigods behind her.

“Mother is that you and why you are possessing this poor girl?” Rhea asked as one demigod girl, Reyna pulled the sword next to Rhea while the daughter the Hecate pulled green fireballs. The one that looked like Hera pulled out the battle ax. Like these could hurt me, I will have to be civil with demigods.

“It’s been a while Rhea, tell the demigods that they could put their weapons away. I only wish to speak to you.” Rhea gestured to the girls to put away the weapon, but they still looked guarded. The boy Kaito looks shocked at my appearance, so he’s Pontus vessel. I will have to be careful about the boy since the last time that I saw Pontus, he urged me to not start the war. Pontus was right all along, I’m worried if he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. I will have to fix my friendship with Pontus sometime, but Rhea takes priority.

“Daughter, are you safe and happy?” I asked in a soft voice, I don’t want to scare my kids. They are safe with me, and I will kill those who dared to make them cry.

“Yes, Mother I’m doing well. I just don’t approve of you trying to hurt my kids. I understand that you gave my kids this realm and you helped them defeat their father, and they haven’t fulfilled their promise to you. They are still my kids, and I will protect them, even from you.” Rhea says assertively, that’s my baby. She has grown to be such a strong goddess; she hasn’t become harden and cruel like I was. I’m so proud of her and I understand she wants to protect those blasted Olympians.

“You are their mother and I expect nothing less. If you feel like fighting me, I’m not going to stop you. Go ahead.” I sat in front of the girls, and I waited for Rhea to strike me down. 

“I don’t want to fight you and I know that you never wanted to hurt us. All I can do is begged for you to forgive my kids.” Rhea sits across from me, and I looked at her tears-filled eyes. I’ve made my daughter cry and I try to wipe the tears from her eyes.

“I wanted to give your children another chance but all they care about is their stupid FUCKING CHAIRS. They are power hungry shitheads who abandon their kids to a fucking centaur. I hated the demigod for putting your brothers in the pits, but I realize they are only following orders from their cruel parents. Fine, I will not harm your kids, but I will still replace them with kinder beings. Maybe it’s time that demigods will continue the tradition.” I point towards the girls and Rhea look horrified.

“You want demigods to overthrow the Olympians? The same way that Zeus overthrowing Cronus and Cronus Overthrowing Ouranos.” Rhea asked horrified.

“The Giants and Typhon weren’t meant to overthrow the Gods. They take too much after me so to speak. I was defeated by the demigods, and I was impressed by their bravery and cooperation. I’m willing to get to know the demigods and understand them. The one I shared my body with, Chika Hanabusa, she has been endlessly patient with me, and she has offered her ear towards me. She just wants to save the earth. Though the girl should take a break about thinking about her lover.” I point toward the blown-skinned girl and Reyna looks shocked that Chika has been thinking about her.

“I’m not sure about what to think about your plans Mother, but I do agree that demigods have potential to make your realm better. I just don’t want another war.” Rhea responds.

“You don’t need to do anything at all. Look after your sisters and your mortal son.” I answered in a soft manner, and I kiss Rhea on the cheek.

“So, you know about Ryan?” Rhea asked and she did a proud smile.

“And I also know that your sisters, brothers, and their kids decide to mate with humans. I’m curious, how many demititans they are?” I asked and rhea looks around and did a small smirk.

“Well, there are a lot fewer compared to demigods. There is my son Ryan, the boy next to you is Tethys’s son, we have Lelantos’s daughter Camira, Phobe has a daughter who is named Evangline. Hyperion, Krios, and Koios somehow have a child before the second Titanomachy, Themis has a child as well and she’s becoming a lawyer. Theia has a son who runs a Jewelry store. Mnemosyne has a son who’s writing a successful book series, but they are graphic novels. We also recently discovered that my nephews and nieces Eos, Pallas, Perses also have children, and my son is recruiting them as we speak. So all in all about 14 demi titan in general.” Rhea says proudly. It seems Rhea never liked the luxury of being a queen. She seems like she’s ok with being a mentor to the demi titan like Cronus’s son Chiron is with the demigods.

“I swear that I will never harm those kids and to leave in peace daughter. I want to see your sisters again. So please keep me posted on them. Look I not going to scatter your kids if that’s what you worry about, but I am going to, what is the mortal term, oh yeas I will fire them from their jobs”. I let Chika have her body again and Chika grasps for air.

Chika PoV

“I’m back now, I hope Gaia didn’t try to kill you guys?” I asked and Reyna held my hand up and took me off the ground.

“She wasn’t young on. She and I just talked about her plans. My mother, Gaia, doesn’t believe in my children and I just can’t help but agree with her. She believes in demigods, so she will not your kind again.” Rhea informing me about the event.

Throughout the whole day I’ve met Camira, and she was very good with bow, I’ve meet Itri who is from Nigeria, and she could manipulate stars and moon beams, the last girl I’ve met was Evangeline. She is Kaito’s girlfriend and she’s super sweet, she has got me books about Greek mythology, and I can tell that she has Kaito wrapped around her finger.

“So is it true that you are a lesbian. Kaito has told me about you being Demeter’s child and now apparently you are dating the Praetor of New Rome.” Evangeline shyly asked.

“I just asked her out today. Reyna and I are working to make things work. You are way out of Kaito’s league, he’s lucky to have a sweet girl like you to put up with his obnoxious attitude.” I say in a teasing  and Evangeline blushed madly about him. I hope Kaito treats her well, or else I will probably hunt him down. Hyun and Isabelle decide to steal me from Evangeline, but Evangeline just read her book that she has been carrying.

“Hey Chika, I wanted to say sorry about the whole fighting you in the quest?” Hyun apologetically says and I just hugged her.

“There is nothing to forgive, I’m glad that you saved Ben and that found Rhea. I bet Rhea is better to work for than her ex-husband.” I say softly while Hyun shred tears of relief.

“I promise you Chika that we will be proper friends this time.” Hyun says while Isabelle looks at Hyun and I hug. Hyun decides to join up with Evangeline and I guess they are talking about the book. Isabelle did a warm smile and she put her hand on my shoulder.

“I’m willing to accept that Reyna won your heart. I just wanted to let you know that I did have feelings for you and I’m glad that we can still be friends. Chika, you will never lose me in your life. Reyna better makes you happy or else I will drive my axe though her throat.” Isabelle says in a aggressive tone.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t return your feelings Isabelle; you will find someone someday.” Isabelle closes her eyes for a second and takes calming breaths.

“I know, but I’m not going to rush into a relationship. For now, I just want to fit in with the demititans. So far, they are so welcoming. Grandmother is a nice lady, and I would love to spend time with her.” Isabelle says in a hopeful manner. This is the first time I have seen Isabelle being optimistic and smiling a lot. Honestly, anyone will be lucky to marry her.

“Yeah, Rhea seems very trustworthy, you will safe here Isabelle. Isabelle, please take care of yourself.’’ I say in a concerned manner, I just hope she doesn’t isolate herself anymore.

“I will. Now Chika, you should go to Reyna. She’s waiting on you.” Isabelle gently takes my hand and leads me to where Reyna is waiting on me. She was waiting on the same log that Kaito and I were talking at. Both Isabelle and Reyna did a handshake, and it seems that both girls are getting along. I sat next to Reyna on the tree, enjoying the private time with each other. What a peaceful day and nobody got hurt.

[floralkittygambler]

Coming and Going - Some More Vivzie Shit

Before you start, this is an extremely LONG read covering this account, my views of Viv, my content and my relationships within this Godforsaken fandom. This is my most up to date thoughts in 2023 on everything. This is something I feel necessary for me to do.

Contents (in no particular order):

Current Situation

Relationships in the fandom

Why I started this Blog

Thoughts on Viv/co and how they've changed since m previous posts

the fans

future thoughts and moving on

accountability

If any of this interests you, read ahead. Titles will be provided for easier following.

Why I started this blog

Originally this was a blog like any other; art, reblogs n shit. As I grew more into a Viv fan, I started posting fanart and follow blogs on her work. The more I learned the more I hated, and thus I began to become a critic. I was pissed off at viv wasting her potential, and eventually I became just as toxic and shitty as both her hardcore haters and majority of her fans. Some takes were good, some bad, either way I got too involved, too absorbed and let it consume me. Stupidly getting into conflicts, stuff like that. And I became a hardcore hater. I vocalised it. My initial aims long lost. Then I disappeared.

Vivzie, co, all that

I went from adoration to disgust of this lot. Now though, whilst I deeply dislike Viv and her crew, deeply dislike majority of the fans, I just feel... Gross. Hollow. Exhausted. I have a lot to say on Viv and my previous takes but truthfully I am too lazy and too tired and ultimately have better shit to do than go through every little thing right *now*. But I do want to at least cover a few here to do some justice, I guess.

So to skim through a few. Lets go.

Viv tracing. Honestly, tracing is a useful skill but it's bad when you trace another's work, don't credit and claim it as your own. This includes modified tracing (starting with a trace then stylising over it to make it more your style). Having nazi, nonce, etc characters I think people take extreme. These sorts make excellent "love to hate them" villains. Owning such characters isn't a crime. It's how theyre portrayed and the purpose. The nuance - something to constantly keep in mind. Her romanticism sausage party art is yikes. With her age, maturity, humour, I believe she saw this as some kind of fucked up humour, having enough awareness to understand the taboo to hide this stuff yet I do feel this was a stupid kid doing stupid edgy shit. Does that make it right? No. But I definitely dont think Viv is some nonce or nazi supporter. Later finding out how this profile was discovered makes me equally question morality on all sides. Vivs beastiality nonce artwork with the snake tub, Ive seen private dms to solidify that viv admitted to both owning this piece and that it was supposed to be a joke. Once again, I genuinely dont think shes a nonce BUT she needs to realise that if that character was below 18, she has drawn child prawn (censorship whooo) as well as distributed it via sharing online. That's still something really serious and gross. I get her humour is immature and dark, but theres lines you dont cross. And I dont find that art funny in any ways, it genuinely looks like a perverts wank bank rather than funny. Idk if the lad was one of them shapeshifting animals either but being in a human form in this instance does make the portrayal a beastiality one, due to human presenting. That's not cool. As much as I loathe those who would abuse kids or animals, I dont think this is Viv necessarily. Though I believe in this sense, Viv needs to understand and work with her cats more. She's done a lot of wrong shit but false accusations derail from solid proven issues that need addressing. At the least, Im glad the animal pervs and nonce stuff is gone. Heartbreaking that shit is so often heard of. This is the sort of thing Id laugh at as a kid but now Im grown and look after little ones, it fills me with nothing but sickening horror. Whilst vile vile vile, I havent seen anything concrete to prove or imply Viv supporting/participating in such depravity. And I fucking pray it stays that way.

You have apologised in the past. But the way you did so, the way you spoke about it afterwards and the way you are now proves it was insincere. Something to shut 'haters' up.

Viv, with all your shit, neurodiversity and late maturity, you're still yet to change for the better. The people you hang with are some of the most vile, toxic, narcissistic and shitty people. Yes men. You hire fans who'll do anything to please you, which can open the path to abuse (note: CAN, not a definitive, though in this case...). You equally are still a shitty person still. You're coming apart at the seams. Critique and hate aren't the same, and unfortunately you'll need adaptability and tough skin in this world as people can be very cruel. You lie. You twist like a constrictor. Charm the more susceptible. A very well known kissarse of yours on twitter who was quite the bully was followed by yourself, liked tweets then hired. They arent the only one either. Whilst you cannot be responsible for every single fans every single action, their are responsibilities you hold. Dont like tweets that encourage hate, dont reward negative behaviours, check your own public actions and how they may influence (act like a prick and those who admire you will mimic). Behind the scenes, treat people right. Dont play favourites. Always have integrity. Learn to incorporate critiques as well as filter out legitimate hate. I know it's not easy, but it's necessary to survive.

Viv, I can wholeheartedly empathise with receiving harsh hate early on in life and online. I know how that can taint and stunt the mind. But the thing is, you have to eventually break from that. BE responsible. Grow. Ive been toxic before. That's partially why I fixate on some of this. Equally Im angry. You ARE a VERY talented artist with potential. A shitty writer, do work on that (as well as diverse stories to tell - gain those experiences or listen to those who've been there - esp as you're doing this as a living) but when you're passionate about a piece, you're talented. And when you're not, you do what we all do and dole shite out (btw people thought I was bullying Viv when I said her P5 Alastor piece was bad in comparison to her other works. The proportions were awful, you could tell she just wanted it out the way. A startling lack of soul.) From what I've seen, you crave approval and admiration to compensate from the past cruelty. I can empathise. But that shit isnt healthy. And you block yourself from growth. You cultivate a tainted crop. You poison yourself. You sacrifice integrity and the gruelling work of improvement for the instant gratification of worship from fans by bending to their desires and your own at the cost of quality. What couldve been groundbreaking storytelling and visuals is nothing more than a glorified low-level fanfic. Wasted potential. Something I cant stand. I have been harsh as that same method helped me. In doing so, I disregarded your own humanity. I wish I conducted myself better and though I never encouraged abuse, I'm sorry that my words may have contributed to this shit cycle.

Your staff and many of your fans have... Concerning attributes, such as the fetishing of toxic relationships, blurred boundaries, disregard of boundaries, etc. The stark numbers of such unpleasant people flocking you is extremely worrying.

I do deeply dislike you. I do feel you have ultimately caused your own shit - been there - but I do pity you as well. I wish you'd go the effort to be you. To be less try hard. To allow growth and change, diversity, stop petting hatred. Get a better crowd, esp one willing to actually help you to be better by pointing shit out. To stop mass abusing others. I do dislike you greatly. I wish you would do better but all you've been doing is doubling down on shit. I feel Icarus needs to fly closer to the Sun for change to happen. It feels like the only way you may actually ground yourself and smell the roses. I just wish folk could be better as a whole. Sick of shit like this. Whilst no one is perfect, there's still standards to uphold. Growth to be had. Breach stereotypes and fetishes that dehumanise, work on yourself and your relationships with others. Careful on your humour and learn how to execute humour properly. Glad you're not doing beastiality art though. You cant please everyone and shouldnt have to in order to be admired and popular. Just be better. Also hating kids isnt a personality. I get not everyone cares about them but dont take shit too far. They can be gross and annoying but in the end they're just... Children. Theyre learning and growing. You can only hope they bloom into decent people. Admittedly a kid tripping is pretty funny but there's a limit. If you want to portray a creep, don't do anything that endorses their behaviours. Theyre vile, remember. No kid deserves that. Work on financing too. Medicating via shopping is a dangerous road. Dont bend to social pressures (such as getting wasted because friends do if you dont want to). Vet your staff. Better ethics.

Fandom

And the fans are just... A minority are lovely. I had a HuskerDust fan be respectful of our differences and hope the best for them. But the majority I've encountered or witnessed have been off their fucking heads. Often encouraged by Viv or staff. The staff and fans are now claiming that critics are homophobic racists falsely (which implies certain races, sexualities, identities, etc are absolved of criticism - which is both favouritism and it's own form of bigotry. Hell, it's spitting on the real victims of such crimes over mediocre cartoons and digital lunacy). These same people then insult people for... being cis and straight. Firstly, that's also bigotry and a dick move on identity and invalidation, it's also false in some cases (proving folks just spew shit), it demands special treatment for identities when we're all equal and deserve to be treated with equity, it's also just... Weak. Bigots can fuck off BUT many critiques have been about inconsistency in plots, writing and design issues, etc. Nothing pertaining identity.

Fans have been hypocritical like their idol. We're all hypocritical to an extent. But the madness... Ok, Blitzo uses retard (note: neurodivergant and have right to say that word, even then it also means delay "fire retardant" as well as where I live it's not nearly as bad as another term used yet is still fine in the US.) I think this isn't an issue as it can show things or speech patterns of the character. Then fans have falsely accused critics of ableism who either havent used the word, quoting this or even have right to say it yet coddle this fictional character. This was referenced in a recent episode with Blitzo about to call another character (rumours are this nurse is autistic but I do NOT have full confirmation. Pinch of salt!) retard before retracting it as it being unacceptable to say. Blitzo really wouldnt give a shit. Likewise I feel this is one of those permanant grey areas in fiction; is it? Isnt it? in terms of using terms. Of Mice and Men used slurs against black folk, that was to reflect that time and the character's mentalities. Not an author's mirror. Likewise, it wasn't used as humour either. Coming from ONE ND, I couldn't care. I feel this is hyperfocused on over more glaring issues, as well as a benefit of the doubt (being character mindset and possibly not author projection). Feel free to have your own opinions, and I only speak for myself there. I can empathise with those who may feel more sensitive to the word (which is why Im more careful in it's use) but as someone who is also technically affected, I just... Personally dont feel too bothered. Likewise, I'm learning to hold more human compassion and flexibility to error and human flaws rather than perfect standards (again, this wont justify or absolve. And more serious things like an assault doesnt apply. It's daft this needs clarifying, it should be the bare minimal). Not everyone will agree on everything, but there's just some lines that should be a standard. I think the staff and fans overall conduct themselves immaturely, cruelly, and cause harm.

I regret in engaging in some arguments. Not worth it. I think I shouldve been more compassionate to difference yet equally not been so volatile with harassment. HunterGirl's HD discord hate on me is... Something I shouldn't have fed. Hate me, that's fine. But the fact someone so close to Viv allowed the harassment is disappointing and shitty. Bitch behind the scenes but dont go out at people. Likewise behind the scenes talk, dont threaten folk either *Viv* (at one of your ex-staff). Call someone the biggest wanker you know but there are limits you dont cross. As with Viv and co, I once hoped for improvement but I just lack faith in that now and I'd just rather stay away from it all. Too much toxicity I've allowed myself to bathe in and hatred and venom only burns. Only burns more of the same product. It's not worth it. Don't even have the skills or assets to do any good from this either. If I can't help, itd be best to support those who can help whilst staying away from the vitriol. Stick to the facts and my own integrity. It's tiring to be involved in all... this. Again, I can only speak on myself hence why I'm only saying me shit. Any vents can be done to friends but otherwise none of this has resulted in any good. And I contributed to cruelty as well. It aint right.

Friendships

Bit more personal and past. Ive made many nice friends. Friends Im still friends with now, and I thank them. With certain issues arising, theyve been the anchors to ground and account me. Real friends. Friends that deserve to be shown more how appreciated they really are. Thank you. They have guided me into better awareness and accountability. We have our own little group now for art, gaming and hopefully any other group activities. Friend stuff. We'll rant, we'll vent, but we're actually doing friend shit now. Ive hyperfixated enough on negatives. Dragged others into an abyss with me. Its not fair for them.

There is a friend here, I think they dont see my stuff anymore idk. I was warned about them. Through all Ive seen and my experiences, I wish you to get help. Get off tumblr. Get off twitter. Both can be extremely toxic as well as cultivate toxicity. Be accountable. Get help. And focus on you. I still worry for you, though I am disgusted on some of your actions. Treat the living with respect. Learn that people will try to bait you. Let go of paranoia (not easy), confront your past and grow. And please... Dont lie. Dont lie about events that occur as you're creating your own misery. Learn to step back and not be so forceful and preachy. Been there, it's not a good place. Experience a diverse crowd on a human level. And please spend some time away from the internet. People really can be pricks sometimes. Even ourselves. You're also pretty hair trigger and tempered. A bit like me sometimes LOL. Learn to balance that. Trust me.

To mates on here who Ive only spoken to here, if you'd still like to be mates, I can link you our group if you're up for group art and gaming or activities, or to another social media account to chat.

To unanswered asks, I'll try but not promise to address them. Those which ended up deleted, I can only remember the one question sorry. And the answer is Sitri. Sitri would be a good HB replacement for Stolas, he's quite the love/lust expert and a focus on men. Fun chap! I had more for this answer but again, cant be arsed with this shit anymore. Sorry.

I joined a spindle critique group. What I learned is the union from bitterness isnt solid grounds for friendship. I wont go into details as it's a private and resolved matter. I shared the full log to current friends to have a neutral and raw take. These are friends I can trust will yank my chain if Im in the wrong. And they did. They spoke of the wrongs on both sides. These are folks who are guiding me to better. Folks I have trusted with the full log, full transparency. I appreciate you both and take your words into stride daily. To old friends, I would rather friends make their own choices. I never hated you, but was hurt on this other side of you. Likewise Im sorry to make you feel that way. Im sorry to have trauma dumped (recently discovered this term, and using it to manage myself better.) There was only one individual that I was given uneasy vibes on and made that clear from the start. I tried with them. For awhile, I even started to see them as a genuine friend. In the end, we were too clashing. We didn't mesh well. My initial feeling on the situation ultimately felt true. But when I open up about home issues and emotions, I dont want them weaponised. Especially as Ive been doing some irl work to find many holes in my perspective as well as others hard work in being involved with me. Things are different now. Never felt it needed in convo, I was too fixed on my own hurt. Home was self preservation at those times. I regret opening up over some personal issues. None of this absolves me of poorly handling situations and anger issues. Near the end, I felt more wary to be more open on certain things. But I shouldve been a better friend. I never liked how catty things got. Trolled. We all just became knobs in one way or another.

My ask to remove my triggers was me hoping to do good for you. Remove a trigger that would inevitably end up being a large part of the group sooner or later, maybe this summer. Especially as I 'lacked empathy'. I thought I was doing good. I never lied about it, and feel bitter that was twisted. If I explained something, I was wrong. Kept it brief, I was bitchy. I was willing to endure a trigger if it made things easier in the group, and the situation was more than a stupid ship. Ive had triggers Ive adapted to handle better now. And public, you are not entitled to my medical history however we're in an age where youre both valid and entitled to privacy yet must breach privacy to have a voice. I have an ED. A certain word wasn't even allowed in my presence without panic and flashbacks. I was a little girl then. And I managed to slowly ease the trigger word via gradual exposure - a replacement word, spelling the word, and eventually hearing the word. It - and what it has done to me - will always scar me. But I learned to handle it better in my own time. I dont need lecturing on how triggers work. Especially when each case is unique, each 'cure' is personalised. If you want to believe Im full of shit then... Do that. Im sorry for being a shitty friend at times and Im working on that, but outside opinions (note: these are done in private spaces so all parties are anon) have noted flaw on your end too. We all fucked up. The two things below the belt were the trigger claims (hence my example of my own experiences with another trigger) and my private issues shared in confidant are the two things I remain disgusted by. That doesnt justify my frustrations, dumping or behaviour. And my example is not a pity ploy either. We're separate now, and it's best that way.

Overall, being here, in this community and fandom, has done nothing but shit. Fuelled the worst in me and others (from what ive seen in public fandom spaces). I may do art and other creative endevours on spindle, but otherwise good riddance. Even if the purge is painful.

Another friend. Im in their group too. One to improve some creative skills. Appreciate being let in there, though I'll probably mainly lurk for tips. Thank you for allowing me to do so. Wording is honestly growing harder for me each day. It's helping me start the path of better expression.

Current and future

I word shit less. Not here, as this is long overdue. But trying to sum up more efficiently. Spending more time irl to improve myself and my life. Welcoming friends who we both can hold each other accountable and support. Focusing more on stuff to improve as well as enjoy. The world is so dismal. So I spend time doing other stuff. Im already mopey enough. Sorting things to refine and focus on enjoyments. Gaining skills to help others. Experienced some personal griefs/losses. And Im learning that people arent entitled to everything. Not quite there yet but Im learning. Im often in deep pain, so cant always do what I want to get done in a day.

Most likely, I will discontinue this. Besides others have been doing a brilliant job. Dont absorb yourself. You can control much of what you get exposed to, so what you can control, make it good! Have integrity, work on yourselves. Try not to be a dickhead but acknowledge where you are a dickhead and work on that. Balance is key to a healthy mind, take the good with the not so good. Take the time to simply sit outside and observe. Appreciate life. Similarities and differences. Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. But have your standards. Learn. Grow.

Im in a lot of pain and have shit to do. Take care. I feel Viv, co, fans will only learn with drastics, haters need to learn empathy (haters as in stalker level folk), old friends Im sorry to hurt and equally feel hurt by. Best we've gone separate ways and moving on. Current friends I appreciate. That one person, please... PLEASE get help. Youre young, man- This shit is going to poison your very core. Make you into something shitty and cruel. And please treat animals with care. Me, still a twat but trying. Embrace truth, compassion and fairness with a firm angle. Or just avoid nasty shit.

Well, cya. Stay well. We're not going to be here forever.

[tabswrites]

Top Ten Character Essence

(Your top ten characters decided by their essence or meaning to you)

Thanks for the tag @mariahwritesstuff

Join in if you like @clairelsonao3 @hd-literature @sam-glade @zmwrites and anyone else who thinks this looks fun (no pressure!)

(This list is not all-inclusive because I am terrible at making decisions and get attached to everything.)

10. Rose Hathaway (Vampire Academy-books, not the terrible movie or laughably bad show)

I was known as the Harry Potter girl growing up (ugh), but Vampire Academy was the first series I truly fell in love with. Rose is loyal, sarcastic, a lot stubborn and a total bad ass. Her character development over the course of the series shows her go from a very talented but totally immature protector to a wise and trusted guardian.

9. Malcolm Reynolds (Firefly/Serenity)

One of the saddest things about Firefly being cancelled is that so many of the characters had a lot of potential to have great stories. Mal for me was one of those. He fought to free the struggling people from the tyranny of the government and failed miserably, turning him into someone completely cynical and closed off. He still finds a way to help in any way he can and depends on his crew to keep him grounded. I still love the line “May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.”

8. Nomi Marks (Sense8)

I could honestly put all of the main characters from this show on my list, it’s one of my favorite shows of all time. Nomi’s journey didn’t start with her transition (MtF). It started with a trans woman discovering she is psychically connected to 7 strangers. Sense8 was my first show with what could be considered real inclusivity and Nomi had by far one of my favorite stories. She’s a whip-smart and sassy “hacktivist” and spends her time just enjoying life and helping others like her with difficult pasts learn to enjoy theirs. In one of my favorite scenes she says “The real violence, the violence I realized was unforgivable, is the violence that we do to ourselves, when we're too afraid to be who we really are.” I’ve thought about it every single day since.

7. Lord Zuko (Avatar: The Last Airbender)

He really did have every reason to be a villain. He was permanently disfigured and banished by his own family as a literal child and sent on what everyone believed to be a futile mission just to get rid of him. He rejected most of the guidance from his caring Uncle until Zuko made the choice to look inward and change for himself. I know people bring him up a LOT for these kinds of posts, but for good reason. He realized that he could simply choose to do the right thing, after years of being angry, scared and alone. That’s powerful.

6. Evelyn Wang (Everything, Everywhere, All At Once)

My new favorite movie. As a white woman I will never be able to connect with this movie as much as the Asian community, and that’s okay. Inclusion should be about bringing stories from all cultures and all types of people to life, while having small parts of the story that everyone can connect to. For Evelyn, she was just a very lost, very sad woman who had given up on having any happiness in her life. She was beaten down, tired, overwhelmed and unable to reconnect with her own family through all of this. Still, when she was told that “Nothing matters”, in the end, she chose her daughter, Joy. “When nothing else matters, choose joy” is a pretty powerful philosophy.

5. Max Mayfield (Stranger Things)

Her story in season 4 really spoke to me. I feel like a lot of stories don’t always acknowledge that you can still grieve someone that caused you pain. A lot of her struggles really resonated with me and I just see her as a really important character.

4. Finn Mertens (Adventure Time)

What can I say? He’s a lovable idiot who becomes one of the most legendary heroes of all time. I relate to that because I myself am a lovable idiot but I’d settle for being just a well-liked author.

3. Amity Blight (The Owl House)

Amity easily had one of the best character arcs of that entire show. She was someone who was the best at everything and slowly realized that she was kind of terrible at just being a person. By the end of the show she was happy with herself, her life and her found family and that’s all anyone can really ask for.

2. Edalyn Clawthorne (The Owl House…again)

Girl’s had it rough. She is cursed at a young age, essentially destroying any potential she had in the magical world. Her curse led to a devastating fallout with her family and she spent majority of adulthood in isolation. She used that solitude to become confident in herself and her magic and became one of the most powerful witches ever. When she is given the opportunity to come face to face with the person who cursed her, she chose forgiveness. She took in a strange human who was lost because she saw herself at the same age and wished there was something back then to guide her. By the end of the show she has found the people who love and respect her for who she is: The love of my life.

1. Luz Noceda (The…Owl House)

All she ever wanted was to be understood. That’s the most relatable thing I’ve ever heard. When she comes across a strange realm, she doesn’t see demons or witches, she sees other people who are struggling to find who they are. By showing compassion and love to these people she becomes one of the most strongest and respected witches of all time. Her journey is so important to me and I hope all of us can find a Luz to show us what true friendship and love really looks like.

[vaxyl]

sometimes i feel like a child stuck in an adult's body and it genuinely pisses me off

i was failed so much growing up and now I feel like theres nothing that can be done to fix the cracks and breaks in my foundation, to mould and mature me into a real person

i feel so fake and unreal, like im not actually person, sometimes

im aware im not on the same level as other adults mentally, that i probably never will be

i get treated like a kid a lot now that i am an adult, tho i was never treated as kid when i was a kid - or when i was a teen

i wasn't given boundaries, i wasn't taught how to look after myself, i wasn't taught how to socialise or make friends, i wasn't taught to how see and recognise red flags or otherwise toxic behaviour

i was taught to stay quiet and ignore my feelings, i was taught to hate and be angry, i was taught to ignore problems until they can't be ignored anymore

and as a result of this ive been hurt time and time again by the same type of awful people

today marks the first day in over a year where im free, finally fully free, of one of those said horrible & abusive people

and im terrified and feel lost

i feel like ive done something wrong by ensuring they can never hurt me again

that cant be right - can it?

he made me feel so small and weak and useless, like i needed him to take care of me - but he didn't take care of me at all

and my current partner is the sweetest guy ever, is trying to help me figure shit out and move on in my own time, but i feel like im holding him back

like im weighing him down with all of my baggage and shit

he says im not, says hed go to hell and claw his way back for me if it were made necessary

and i appreciate that

but ive also been taught to hate myself and see myself as the weird annoying one that people just cant like, im too different minded and immature - or, confusingly, too mature???

i wonder if we should take a break to sort shit out, i fear he will say yes and disappear (he probably wont, not this one) but i worry im hurting him without intending to

im just so tired and scared

and it's not helping the intrusive thoughts one bit

but today is supposed to be a good day & i want it to be one

i think I need breakfast

[marjaystuff]

Interview with Mary Alford

Deadly Mountain Escape (Book 1)

Jan 23, 2024

Love Inspired Press

Deadly Mountain Escape by Mary Alford explores sex trafficking. This story is sadly all too relevant for today. Through the character’s eyes readers will understand all the dangers involved with rescuing these girls.

Charlotte Walker is a K-9-unit deputy that is asked by her neighbor to find her granddaughter, Lainey. As she and her canine partner, Annie, begin the search she is attacked and almost died if not for the efforts of Jonas Knowles who witnessed what happened. 

Annie is a great addition to the story.  She is brave and loyal and helped to rescue Jonas and Charlotte multiple times. 

Because they need to escape their pursuers, they go to Jonas’s brother, Abram’s farm.  Abram is Amish and agrees to accompany Lainey to the Sherriff’s office. By working together, Jonas and Charlotte as well as Lainey and Abram develop feelings for each other. 

While pursuing the sex traffickers, Jonas and Charlotte become close and decide to tell each other why they closed themselves off to any type of relationship.  But in sharing their guilt they realize they have feelings for each other. Charlotte lost her beloved fiancé after he fell to his death looking for a search and rescue victim.  Jonas feels guilty over losing his wife and future child when she had complications during the pregnancy, and he was out trapping.

The setting, a very realistic Montana mountain winter, also plays a role in the book. Readers will take the journey with the characters as they trudge through snow, becoming wet, freezing, and tired. 

This is a wonderful action-adventure suspense story with memorable characters and a plot that has several twists and surprises. The danger and suspense will keep people on the edge of their seats as they search for clues alongside Charlotte and Jonas. 

Elise Cooper: How did you get the idea for the story in Deadly Mountain Escape?

Mary Alford: I enjoy writing stories where the hero and heroine have gone through something very dark in their past.  In this case it was both. This is the type of story I like to read. I also dealt with the subject of human trafficking because I want to shed a light on it. The next book that comes out will deal with more of that tragedy.

EC: Can you explain this book quote, “Focusing on the past is the surest way to stop moving forward?

MA:  We all have moments in our past that we dwell on them. Even with someone who was lost, people always regret not spending more time with them.  They are living in the past and missing those times in the moment that are so rewarding. I am guilty of this also. People tend to beat themselves up over something they cannot change. 

EC:  How would you describe Jonas?

MA: He is bitter.  Despite everything that has happened to him he tries hard to become a hero. He is one of those that has regrets and blames himself for losing his pregnant wife. He lost his wife and baby.  It shattered him and he left the Amish faith because of this.  He has a lot of guilt that has him keeping to himself. He is very determined and can be protective to save the other women in the story.

EC: How would you describe Charlotte?

MA: She is in law enforcement. She is strong, family oriented, and caring.  She also blames herself for losing her fiancé falling to his death.  She just focuses on her work and not on relationships. She can be angry, guilty, and confident. She is angry because her life did not turn out the way she wished.

EC:  How would you describe Lainey?

MA:  She is a typical teenager who wants to live her life with a little rebellious streak.  She is on the flighty side and immature. She is kidnapped but is very headstrong.  She falls for an Amish man who is helping her escape. 

EC:  What about the relationship between Charlotte and Jonas?

MA:  Charlotte helped him come back to life as they work together to rescue the girls. They are connected because they both lost a loved one and can relate to what each other are going through.  They bond through their grief. As the story unfolds, they end up counting on each other and protecting each other, slowly developing feelings for each other. They realize they want a future together because they are kindred spirits. 

EC:  What was the role Annie played in the book?

MA:  She is the dog that helped them throughout the search.  Annie is based on my dog named Kelly who has passed on. They both are a bluetick coonhound. She is fiercely protective and would do anything for her owner.

EC:  You also write a self-published book, Shrouded Past?

MA: This is book five of the Hope Island Securities Series. This is the first book in the series that does not feature one of the founding members team. Going forward the founding members, as in this book, will not be featured, but will be in the story assisting. 

EC:  Next book?

MA:  It is titled Ambush in the Mountains featuring Lanie and Abram.  It will deal a lot more with human trafficking. There will be another wounded warrior soldier with a woman who escaped from a human trafficking ring.  It will come out in July. 

THANK YOU!!

[katrani]

Spoiler/direct stuff ETA: realized after posting that I wrote D-19 throughout instead of D-16, i waited until I wasn't so tired to write all this and STILL mixed up a name, geez

I adored how much of a little shit Orion Pax is. I don't usually think of him as the rebel type, but he is absolutely the trouble-maker between himself and D-16, and it's great, because it also lets us see how Megatron could later fall to authoritarianism. Everything with the decal and the race both made me feel heart-warmed and was already wrecking me because I knew it would come back around later. Sentinel Prime's reveal was pretty easy to call for me, an adult who likes stories, but they also weren't the most obvious about it so like. It felt like a fair play and not that the movie was either trying to be smarter than the audience or talking down to them.

Everything with Elita One and her trying to climb the ranks, love it, amazing, my understanding is this a somewhat new sort of track for her but I just spent half the movie going "oh okay Orion has a type."

The first half of the movie, what I would call up to the crew seeing the Quintesson ship, is actually very well balanced with the rest. There's enough setpieces and enough quiet moments across both parts that none of it dragged- a lot of times it can feel like either the set-up or the "adventure" part of a movie isn't done well, but here it all worked.

D-16 is the most understandable character for most of the movie, cause we see how much he covers for Orion! Of course he feels frustrated, that his friend's passions wind up shaking his whole world! At the same time, you can't really be mad about Orion's actions, because he is always trying to do things for others- saving Jazz's life, getting D-16 to the race, finding the record to take to Sentinel Prime. The way he just gives up and then lashes out when they get their cogs, my heart, this poor child (young adult-like), someone give him something solid.

The stuff with the High Guard and Starscream did feel a smidge rushed, but that's just like a scene and a half so I'm okay with it. The story is focused on Orion and D-16 and a little bit Elita One, with Bee there too. I'm okay with the lackeys not getting much to work with. (My favorite joke, if not "if you could transform right now..." has got to be "Why should we follow you?" *Elita squares up* "Okay we're gonna follow you!", amazing, no notes)

Sentinel Prime waiting until he has the High Guard and D-16 captured to do his gloating, and mostly he seems to be doing it because he has to wait for the execution stuff to be set up, not because he should be doing other stuff? Amazing villain work, love it, we adore someone who isn't a complete idiot about their monologuing.

Bee having been isolated and that causing him to gab a lot works, he does feel a bit more immature than the others. I do not like his excitement and recklessness over his weapons, but mostly because it feels kind of gross that that just gets glossed over while D-16 has to deal with consequences over more justifiable anger.

Which brings me to. Where the movie lost me. I saw the damn thing a week ago and I am STILL so salty about this one. SO. GODDAMN. SALTY.

So Sentinel Prime's on the ropes. Our heroes have found out he essentially (temporarily) disabled all of them at birth, sold out his comrades, and has been lying to and overworking the citizens of Cybertron for at least 50 cycles (year-equivalents?). And he's kind of glad about it, because he likes having power! He's about to murder 20+ more bots for standing up to him and further the lies! Orion is all "we must put him to justice, he must stand trial and have society decide what to do with him." D-16 is all "no, he fucked us over specifically, he just branded me using a symbol of my hope and our friendship, I'm going to do a murder"

Both relatively valid points tbh. D-16 shoots, Orion jumps into the way. Basically Orion's whole side gets blown out, he's about to drop into a bottomless pit, and D-16 grabs him like he's going to save him... then just decides to drop him??????? And he takes Sentinel's transformation cog that had belonged to Megatronus (Prime?) before that, which changes D-16 into Megatron. Orion falls to the core of the planet and because he died for our (D-16 and Sentinel's) sins, he gets the Matrix of Leadership and becomes Optimus Prime. Soars back up top, the two of them fight it out because Megatron is going mad with power, Optimus banishes Megatron. Then we get two super tacked-on stingers, one for each of them, call it a day.

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCKING. FUCK.

THAT IS SUCH A FUCKING WASTE OF YOUR STOOOOORRRRRYYYYYYYYY.

So. The more objective part. The plot is only half-settled!!! Our heroes beat Sentinel Prime and Energon is flowing freely again, but the Quintessons are still going to be on the surface and they seemed very out of the heroes's league. That's a whole second movie's villain and a good ramp up right there! Which means we DO NOT need to ramp Optimus and Megatron up to a fight here, in this movie, because there would be better room for it later!

Subjective parts, or stuff from the movie that would be setting up for a longer-term thing. (Paraphrased cause again, saw it a week ago) D-16: "I want nothing to do with any so-called leader ever again." So what does he do when his best friend, who he does trust and will follow to the end of the world but also gets so exasperated at, gets the Matrix basically right in front of him? Elita believing in Orion but knowing he's flawed: "I am better than you in every way, except one. You have hope." So others aren't just blind to Orion's shortcomings. The High Guard having stayed on the surface! Instead of coming back to call out Sentinel Prime after his betrayal! Why did they do that. BEE BEING COMPLETELY RECKLESS AND ENJOYING CAUSING CHAOS WITH HIS NEW WEAPONS AND BASICALLY THREATENING PEOPLE WHO DID NOTHING TO HIM IS EYE-ROLLED AND LAUGHED AWAY BUT D-19 TAKING REVENGE ON SOMEONE WHO BASICALLY ABUSED HIM AND GOING A LITTLE TRAUMA-BERSERK IS GROUNDS FOR REMOVING HIM ARE YOU KIDDING ME At the start of the movie, Orion gave D-16 a Megatronus decal. Sentinel sees this later, mocks him for it, and then carves it into D-16's plating. There is a lot you could do with the angst surrounding that and how D-16 feels after his hopes were turned against him! Like!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's do this another way. Orion gets shot, D-16 can't reach him in time, he still falls and gets the Matrix. D-16 still takes Megatronus's cog from Sentinel, because, idk, "I will never be weak again" or something. But then! What if Megatron doesn't go berserk? Sure, he might declare himself a leader at that point, with the High Guard backing him, but he's giving some kind of darkly inspirational speech instead of trying to destroy the city. Then Optimus comes back, and it's. Well. What do we do with this? D-16 said he wouldn't follow a so-called leader, but Megatron can see proof of the Matrix there, because Optimus is his friend, but so clearly isn't at the same time.

And Optimus would have taken Elita's words to heart! "I can't lead by myself. I need you to help me fix things." So we can get some stuff with Megatron and Optimus standing together (with Elita and Bee), but with something in their expressions showing that it's not perfect. Optimus knows there's something lurking inside of Megatron, and Megatron is carrying so many reminders of how power corrupts. You can even still pretty much keep the Megatron stinger! He's just got the High Guard on standby in cause he thinks Optimus is stepping out of line!!!!! Can you imagine the slowly building angst of the two of them realizing they don't trust each other anymore? Like literally I walked out of the theater and told my fiance. "That ending felt like a producer came in and ordered them to fight." It was so out of nowhere for me to be happening now. And I was half-right! Apparently there's an interview where the director said something like "we got to the end and I realized well, we can't have a Transformers movie without Megatron and Optimus fighting." Which is just!!! WHY ARE YOU UNDERMINING YOUR OWN WORK LIKE THAT.

this movie was Orion Pax and D-16's story. But they treated the ending like it had been Optimus Prime and Megatron's story, and it just does not work. (The other stinger is Optimus leading the Transformers and like "this is a warning to the Quintessons, if you come back, we're ready for you" and like. That is also what the actual fuck, because. What do you mean come back?? They have control of the surface!!!!! They did not leave!!!!!!!! They have not been chased off!!! What is this bullshit!!!!!) Anyways yeah. Like I said aaaaaaalllllllllllllll the way up top in the first post. Solid 9/10, even 9.5, good intro point for people I think because they have it be very focused in. But that ending absolutely ruins the experience for me.

Transformers One review, as someone who never got into Transformers but has enjoyed stuff here and there and knows a fair amount because one of my guys will infodump about it with very little prompting:

Mostly good! Solid 9/10, just enough nuance to bump it into more of a "family movie" rather than a "kids's" movie. The animation was stellar, I loved the blocking for how they used the environment (especially the city) and the momentum through transformations. The voice actors did great, the writing was mostly very good and consistent. I found this iteration of Bee a little ??????? but not annoying at least. The movie had me absolutely, 100% invested in the story until the last like 5 minutes or so, when I feel like they E N T I R E L Y dropped the ball. Feels like this was structured to have potentially two movies's worth of plot, spaced appropriately so we got half of it here, but then we got the one movie of story through the most of the writing and then they just crammed what could have been the second movie's story into the last few minutes.

Spoiler/detailed version coming momentarily, as a reblog and behind a cut!

[thermodynamic-comedian]

posting some of my random thoughts on the original six avengers. because technically no one can stop me.

iron man / tony stark

love to see actual mental illness representation tbh. also i feel like a lot of characters that have that kinda snarkyness and wit that tony has all have daddy issues, right?? like, call it the jake peralta complex (just because i like brooklyn nine-nine), where a character acts extremely immature and doesn't take anything seriously, but becomes progressively less annoying when they actually start dealing with and working through their issues.

i feel like tony's main issue as an avenger is his guilt. when you have anxiaty, you constantly worry about something that could happen that could possibly be your fault. this is what causes tony to create ultron. and we all know how that turns out. which just gives tony even more guilt.

also, as far as comics come, i haven't read a lot of iron man comics, but i do know that at some point he was heavily implied to be canonically bisexual. so that's cool.

captain america / steve rogers

ok so imma be honest. not the biggest cap fan. i guess his character is just a bit too much of a blatantly perfect patriotric boy kinda character for me. but, then again, that's also a kinda interesting thing. because he's just a good person, end of sentence.

steve has a really, really strong moral code that he follows above all else. which is also why john walker couldn't be captain america; captain america isn't a government puppet, and has no problem going against the rules (or the law) to do the right thing. steve is also extremely against hurting people, and would give his life up to protect someone else. that alone makes him almost superhuman, because not a lot of people can stick to their moral code to that extent.

the hulk / bruce banner

okay. originally i didn't really like bruce. i thought he was boring. but recently i've actually started liking him a lot more. the whole "i am not the enemy" kind of storyline of someone being shunned despite only wanting to help was really kind of popularized by the hulk comics, i think. and y'know what? it is a cool idea for a character.

i think i especially liked him in the first avengers movie, because he really seemed tired of people treating him like a labrat and trying to get him to turn into the hulk ("sorry, kids. i guess you're not gonna get to see my party trick after all" he really sounded irritated and exhausted in that line, which i honestly loved). bruce himself is sick and tired of not being seen as a person because of the hulk, and the hulk is sick and tired of everyone (including bruce) seeing him as nothing but a threat or nuisence.

thor odinson

having a literal god on the team? valid. but i also do love how thor doesn't completely overpower the others; the first film goes out of its way to prove that all of the avengers are almost completely equal in terms of ability; for example, for what characters like black widow and hawkeye lack in terms of physical strength, they more than make up for in cleverness and stragedy. whereas thor, who you'd obviously assume is the strongest avenger, is proven to be an equal match for iron man and captain america.

when it comes to thor himself as a character, i think thor: ragnarok! and avengers: infinity war have probably the best way of characterizing him with little ideas like bringing attention to how much he's lost, how he considers earth under his protection and any harm brought to it is something he sees as a personal failing.

black widow / natasha romanoff

ohh boy. let's talk about nat, huh?

she's, in my humble opinion, the most tragic avenger. an ex-russian super spy who was raised to kill but decided to become a hero instead is already an objectively cool character concept, but when you take into account the fact that her only real family as a child was fake, but that she would still do anything to keep her little sister safe, and how no matter how much good she does she'll always still just see herself as a killer, her character starts making even more sense.

nat's friendship with clint intrigues me specifically, as a frayromantic, because i absolutely love seeing a deep emotional connection that isn't romantic at all in media. especially with the kind of dynamic these two have; you can just tell they consider each other as close as family, and that they've probably saved each other countless times.

hawkeye / clint barton

okay. this is gonna be a long one.

i absolutely love clint barton. especially in the comics. so you're telling me this working class orphan kid who was raised in a circus and is hard of hearing and has a disabled brother and is bad at relationships is in the avengers? hell yeah.

overall, i think clint's status as the Regular Guy (tm) of the avengers is pretty well known and established; he's just a human. just a genuine, kind-hearted, human being trying his best. and that's another thing i love about clint barton's character: he needs to try so much harder than the rest of the avengers just to keep up, and let's be honest, a team where everyone is a god or a supersoldier or super rich is just kinda boring to watch. (also, as a working class kid with adhd, i honestly relate to the feeling of having to try way more just to keep up-)

also, the thing about his relationship struggles in the comics also interests me, because knowing he's also a child abuse survivor makes me feel like the reason he can't properly express love to other people is because he never really received it himself. but the fact that he's trying so hard means he wants to learn how to.

also, idk why, but clint has real drummer vibes. both in the comics and the movies. and i just love his relationship with kate, like, i feel like in the comics clint's kinda her mentor/father figure, but in the comics (especially matt fraction run) kate is more like clint's older sister, honestly.

ok so i really liked just writing out my marvel brainrot so i might have to make another one of these posts with different characters-

[moaville]

afterglow - sunghoon x reader

genre: full of fluff, established relationship

note: heavily inspired by a reddit post (i lost it though T__T i'd definitely appreciate if someone sends me it in my asks hehe) and also inspired by taylor swift's song afterglow.

warnings: lots of crying, overdramatic reader (same! i am overdramatic too /jk), some swearing and mentions of cheating. plus this fic is meant to be annoying and cringey so if u dont like young adult romance style fics, skip this one!!

it was surprising, you didn't like it. you have been in a relationship with sunghoon for around 3 years, and it was always the type of relationship that understood each other.

recently though, sunghoon's old boss resigned. that old boss was very demanding, asking him to work for more than expected and having you guys skip some plans for next time. it gave him loads of stress, you understood that it did, so you always tried to help him after work.

his new boss was more lenient, but for some reason he worked harder than before. yesterday, he said that he was going to go on a work trip, when you really wanted to spend more time with him in some way.

in addition, it made you feel so bad when you wanted to ask him to stay.

and here comes our current situation, you accidentally saw a notification from his phone when he was in the shower. it was from someone named 'areum' and it had the subject 'trip details'.

everything was making you feel more and more anxious. "it's just a co-worker, y/n don't worry." he said and kissed your forehead before turning off the night light.

there, you tried to force yourself to agree with him and think that it was only just a co-worker. just nudging your face onto his chest and hoping that it was true.

but the next day was a different story.

since you realized a shirt you really liked was gone, having you accidentally wander around sunghoon's side of the closet. and for some reason there was a receipt of things that you knew he wouldn't usually buy for you and for himself, and it all of it had you swear that it made your stomach turn in pain.

all you could think of was call wonyoung, who was a friend you and sunghoon were close with ever since you graduated college.

"hello y/n" you stayed silent. for some reason, you couldn't say what was happening. "what happened?" she inquired, and there you took your time to mention everything.

"well, first i saw an email from sunghoon's phone. it was from someone else that mentioned trip details. next i also found a receipt of things he wouldn't usually buy for me, i just feel so anxious right now. what if he's cheating on me? what if he's getting tired? what did i do wrong?" you continuously asked, getting emotional and crying again.

"hey... don't worry. i promise, it's going to be fine. now you need to be calm and you need to talk to sunghoon once he comes home. go relax your mind for a bit, and wait for him to go home. i love you so much, y/n. i need to go now!" she said and ended the call.

you decided to go to the kitchen and drink a glass of water to hopefully calm yourself down, but sunghoon had messaged you that he was on his way home because wonyoung called him. not really ready to face him yet, you chugged down on your water and breathed in and out.

feeling as if your world was breaking and you were just so annoyed that wonyoung had called him immediately, you just broke down in the middle of the kitchen.

when you noticed he was there, you suddenly felt the urge to cry harder until you couldn't breathe and feel at pain.

"no, y/n. no no please i'm here now. look, i'm so sorry."

he apologized multiple times, and you just stayed there crying loudly like a child. he tried to touch you but you backed off, and he sighed at your immature antics.

you weren't sure why you were acting like this either, and it all came into a halt when you realized what he was saying. "i'm not cheating, i would never do that. please, i didn't mean to scare you, but just listen to me now i'm so sorry y/n." and it made you stop. "what?"

"i... wanted to surprise you. because i've always cancelled multiple plans and i felt so bad so now i'm.. i didn't realize it. and actually, kai told me that you might find it more romantic as a surprise. i'm really awkward in relationships so i need more help, despite us being years together i know that i'm not the best boyfriend in the world, but please, listen to me first."

you settled down and let yourself be dragged to the bedroom, where you sat on the bed and kept some distance.

"god, so where do i start?" he said with a nervous chuckle. "uhh, you remember when my boss was changed and you told me that it would be easier for us to spend time now? well, yeah i got told by kai and wonyoung that we should have a really pretty vacation and i really wanted to give you the best. yeah. and then areum was just a travel agent i got connected to for this trip. it's just.. really.. i'm sorry. if you also noticed some of your clothes went missing, i might've borrowed some of them to check your size. see i'm really sorry about that. then again they told me it should be a surprise, kai was the main one who helped me arrange, you know, huening kai? oh what else.. have i thought the idea of it being a suprise would really be cute and i got so carried away... but really i'm so sorry."

you smiled a little, feeling so comforted. it felt like he just answered all of your unsaid questions. sunghoon really wasn't the type to say really long sentences, so having him clarify it all for you like that made you so relieved.

for some reason, you continued crying and tearing up hard. "hey hey, why?" he said, cupping your cheek and wiping away your tears. "dork. i just feel like, i love you a bit too much." you said and he just kissed your cheek, hopefully kissing your tears away. "please, i love you more. now i feel weird admitting that." he said with a smile, and you just looked at your handsome boyfriend and hit his chest playfully.

you adjusted your position to huh him and basically strangle him to lie on the bed with you, where he explained where you were going and how wonyoung was on the plan and messaged him quickly on how you were feeling anxious and he should go home quickly or else you would definitely ask to break up before the trip happens. you giggled a bit, and apologized for being immature.

you ended up talking and talking until it was late at night. you tried your best to stay awake, but you felt a bit tired so you just allowed yourself to be hugged by sunghoon in comfort.

you sighed and just leaned more to his chest. maybe you would deal with it someday and ask your friend group about it more, but now you were just enthralled that you were still in your sunghoon's arms and still happily his girlfriend. maybe you're not the best relationship out there, but you're both happy and that is definitely the most important thing.

[itadorisgf]

— a fall from grace

aka break up headcanons

⤷ anonymous asked: hi! what if u wrote angst headcanons on how megumi or itadori would react to breaking up with y/n? like what do u think would make them break up in the first place😳. anyways i hope u have a good rest of ur day!!💗💗

note: oooo angst, i hope i did your suggestion justice and that this was angsty enough!! i hope you have a lovely day as well <33333

ft. fushiguro megumi, gojo satoru, itadori yuuji, nanami kento, nobara kugisaki

warning: angst

⤷ main page

FUSHIGURO MEGUMI

reason: bad at communicating

fushiguro has never been good at expressing his feelings.

he cares for you, he really does, but he’s always felt that it’s unneeded for him to show that.

you should just know that he does. if he didn’t love you then why would he be dating you?

if he didn’t want you then why would he bother to be in a relationship with you?

he doesn’t understand that it feels like he just doesn’t care about your relationship at times.

nor does he understand that sometimes you need reassurance that he does indeed care about you.

it’s hard when he’s not very affectionate and he tends to be short and dry when conversing.

and that’s just who fushiguro is. it’s a natural part of his personality to not exactly be open with his emotions and feelings.

so you break up with him. it’s not that you don’t love fushiguro, you do, but you can’t be in a relationship where you continuously question whether or not he actually wants to be with you.

fushiguro becomes more reserved and closed off following your break up.

his friends would playfully ask him why he’s being more emo than usual, but when fushiguro doesn’t respond at all, they understand that it’s serious.

he wonders if he was more expressive and open with how he felt about you, would you still be here?

GOJO SATORU

reason: too flippant

the fact that gojo’s deemed the most powerful shaman there is by others has made his ego grow exponentially.

he’s well aware of how many view him, as some sort of celebrity, and he revels in the praise and adoration that they shower him with.

gojo’s cheeky and will indulge those who admire him by playfully flirting back with them when they come onto him.

and when you bring up your concerns about how you’re not necessarily comfortable with how gojo interacts with his admirers, he brushes you off.

tells you that you’re the only one for him and that he doesn’t mean anything by flirting with them. it’s harmless.

and it may be true that they don’t matter to gojo, but the way he so easily sweeps your feelings to the side hurts.

you try one last time to explain how you feel to gojo, emphasizing that the way he disregards your worries upsets you.

and once again, gojo addresses the discussion in a very lighthearted and casual way that makes it feel like he’s downplaying how you feel.

when you break up with him, he thinks you’re joking. when you make it clear to gojo that you’re not joking and that you’re entirely serious, he just says okay and leaves.

he thinks you’re overreacting, and in need of some time to cool down. he assures himself that when he comes home later, you’ll be waiting for him.

but, you’re not. all your belongings are cleared from your shared apartment, and that’s when gojo realizes how much he’s utterly fucked up.

however, gojo is too prideful to admit that he’s messed up. he continues on like normal, flirting even more heavily with his fans, but he doesn’t care for any of them.

how could he when none of them are you?

ITADORI YUUJI

reason: too caring

itadori’s heart is simply too big.

you love that he’s so willing to help others and that he cares deeply for his friends, but you can’t stand the way that he holds little to no value for his own life.

he’s willing to throw himself head first into a fight in order to protect others.

itadori has a strong sense of duty as sukuna’s vessel. he knows that there are some things that only he can do as sukuna’s vessel that other sorcerers can’t, and who was he to turn his back on those in need when he could help them?

you try to convince him to care a little more about himself and itadori assures you he’ll be more cautious, but he continues to put himself in danger, often resulting in him getting injured.

and you love itadori too much to watch him throw his life away.

when you break up with him, itadori is confused. he thought things were going great between you two.

you tell him that you love him, but you can’t just sit and wonder if one day he isn’t going to come back from an exorcism.

you can’t stand seeing him bleeding and battered when he returns from missions.

you’ve already lost him once, you won’t be around to lose him again.

breaking up with itadori hurts both of you, but you have to do this. so you kiss him one last time, whispering an i love you against his lips and say goodbye.

itadori is heartbroken after you break up with him, but he tries to cover it up.

he’s still his regular cheery self, but it’s not as genuine.

fushiguro and nanami can tell that something’s off with him, but neither of them press itadori to tell them what’s wrong.

itadori is still in love you, but he has a duty to fulfill and he’ll see it through until the end.

NANAMI KENTO

reason: blunt

nanami doesn’t believe in sugar coating things or beating around the bush. he doesn’t see the point in it. he believes it’s important to be truthful and direct.

so he can be rather calloused and inconsiderate at times, even insensitive.

with his tone, he even sounds accusatory when you’ve done nothing wrong.

it’s humiliating. the way he lectures you as if you’re a child rather than an equal.

nanami’s tone is frightening, calm and even, but you can feel the anger radiating off of him. his words are cold as he berates you for needlessly putting your life at risk during a joint mission.

he goes so far as to say “you should have known that you were too weak to face that curse alone.”

and maybe it’s true, but you can’t stand the way that nanami talks down to you. it’s not the first time it’s happened either.

and you’ve had enough of it.

you break up with him and all nanami does is coolly reply that you’re acting irrationally and immaturely.

nanami’s frustrated that you’re unable to understand how he’s concerned for your well-being. you shouldn’t have attempted to face a cursed being of that level by yourself and you could’ve easily gotten yourself killed.

the aftermath of your breakup is messy.

you’re both sorcerers, but you avoid nanami to the best of your ability, partnering up with others for assigned missions.

on the outside, nanami seems to be completely unaffected by the breakup.

but behind his goggles, his eyes are more tired than usual and his patience with gojo has thinned even more so, causing him to easily snap at the man.

nanami doesn’t mind overtime as much as he once did.

he loathes how a quiet apartment is the only thing waiting for him when he gets off of work.

so he picks up more missions just to avoid the loneliness that awaits him.

NOBARA KUGISAKI

reason: impulsive

nobara often speaks without thinking beforehand.

she tends to say whatever comes to her mind, sometimes disregarding how others may feel.

you love the way that she speaks her mind, bold and totally unafraid of whoever she’s talking to. in fact, you even admire it.

but when you get into fights, nobara doesn’t hold back. she says anything and everything that comes to mind.

most of the stuff she says, she doesn’t mean. she just gets so frustrated and worked up that it just all comes spewing out in the heat of the moment.

but her thoughtlessness cuts deep and opens wounds you’ve worked hard to heal.

it’s during one of your fights that nobara lets it slip “god why am i even dating you?”

all the fight is drained out of you once you hear that. you don’t want to argue with her anymore so you tell her that she doesn’t need to worry about this relationship anymore because it’s over now, and walk out.

nobara’s reaction time is delayed, sputtering as she processes what you’ve said.

when she gathers her bearings and runs out the door, you’re already gone.

nobara would talk about your breakup with whoever’s around to listen. she neglects to mention that you’re the one to have broken up with her and rants about all of your flaws and why you weren’t a good s/o.

but when nobara’s alone, she misses you terribly and wishes that she could take back what she said.

as she lies in bed, she replays all of the things she spat at you in fits of anger.

she didn’t mean any of it.

she loved you, and still does.

[dollymadness]

I have request: bakugo, tamaki, mirio reacting to reader yelling at them. Make it angsty. Pls. Hi btw. 👀

heyy muah 😽

mirio togata (x abusive reader)

"Hi, sunshine!" Mirio was late for the date. Again.

"Where were you?" You ask, with a extremely polite tone, and his eyes already loose all the light they had when he saw you.

"I'm sorry, darling, Eri wanted to play a little more and i-"

"And again you choose her over me, right? I'm starting to figure out your priorities in life." You insist on the calm, low way to say your words, and stare at him with murder eyes.

"She is a little girl... i love her as... as a daughter. H-how can you say something like that..." Mirio is starting to breakdown, starting to doubt his own feelings.

"I'm being realistic." You grab his arm and stick your nails deep on his skin. "She is not your daughter, and you'll never be able to cover the emptiness she already holds. Only a fool like you to think that she could ever see you as a father figure... All you do is be clingy and annoying around her!" Togatas eyes drops to the ground and he plays with the sleeve of his shirt to avoid the tears.

"It's ok if she does not see me like that..." He offers you a depressed smile. "All i want is to ease her pain, even if it's just a little. And i need to take care of her-"

"Of course... guess i'm just overeacting again, sorry. I don't need your attention and support as she does..." You know exactly what to say to put some guilt on his back.

"No-no, don't say that! Your feelings are important to me too, and i'm so sorry that i let you down again, i swear i won't repeat this..."

"Tsc... the same thing you said last time. And here we are, having the same discussion... you're so dumb i swear-"

"I'm sorry... let's just... enjoy our date?"

"Hah- Funny how you say that you care but try to avoid the topic at all costs."

"I'm- fuck, how could i be so unsensitive...? do it, tell me everything you are feeling. I promise i'll fix."

"Don't make promises you can't keep. The only thing that could solve this problem would be you let go of this... this... stupid child!" You stop the pressure on his arm and start gentle massaging the place. "It's between me and her. I won't take excuses this time."

"But, but..." Mirio take a moment to think of the best words choice. "Eri makes me so happy... after i lost my quirk my days has been only her... she helps me to forget too..."

"DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE?" The tone makes him focus on you again.

"No..."

"SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP!" You point an accusing finger to his face and straight your posture.

Before talking again, you take a good, long, amused look at how destroyed he is. A tiny smile emerges.

"I don't have time to your FUCKING VICTMISM! 'After i lost my quirk' *cry noises* THAT'S BULLSHIT. DEAL WITH IT! RECOVER ALREADY, USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!" You push him.

"You're right..." Togata feels like an idiot. Why can't he just surpass the pain? Why does he need someone to do it? He has one simple task and he keeps failing.

Useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, useless...

"DID I SAY THAT YOU COULD FUCKING SPEAK?" You aren't done with him yet. "WHY ARE YOU SO ANNOYING? YOU... SELFISH BITCH! Can't you think of others feelings for once? Damn..."

Mirio is taking everything you give him with a fake smile, but he can't stop the tears. You're right, you always are.

Is his fault. If only he had make to the date in time, if he was able to not always talk about himself-

"ANSWER ME NOW, UNWANTED TRASH!"

"I'm being so s-selfish..." The tears empaze his words in a way that would be painful to anyone that watched, but not for you. Tears mean that you won. "I apologize for being uncapable to solve my own problems... Please..."

"I'm done with this. Have fun babysitting Eri, because you just lost me." You proceed to walk away, but Togata runs to you.

"I can't do this alone. Don't leave me, please! I swear i'll be good, i will be always happy to you and you won't even notice my selfish problems. I promise, just please, PLEASE..." Mirio begging after all the yelling, all the bad things he heard... is the prove you needed that he is eating on the palm of your hand.

"I don't need a fucking dependent on my back!" With this, the sweet smile finally fades as he lets out a sad whimper.

"NO! I love you so much, give me just one more chance!" None of the "other times" were his fault either, but he felt as it was.

"I can't, you are destroying me, Mirio...."

"It wasn't the intention..." You turn away and he starts panicking. "I'LL DO ANYTHING, I'M BEGGING!"

"I already told you what i want you to do." You know that you're incisive and painfully killing any sign of joy he once saw.

"Sure, i-i will..." He is a crying mess, just to think that he would have to give up on his favorite person to have you.

"Amazing... Are you crying, love? Aw, don't be like that, shh... I'm sorry, i took it too far. I need to learn how to hide my feelings... shh.... It's ok." You hug him and pats his head, he doesn't stop crying. (this is not comfort and it's not a soft ending for clear reasons)

All the insults spin on his head, as he shakily curls into your chest.

Tamaki:

"Fairy... really, Tamaki?" The question floated in the air, as Amajiki only stared at his hands.

"S-she is m-my friend..."

Were she inducing him into flirt? Yes.

But did he tried to stop it? No.

You got so mad, watching your boyfriend sit there and watch as his "friend" threw herself to him.

"And because she is your friend, you think you are allowed to flirt with her?" It felt like you were dealing with a child, holding back your anger and jealousy so he don't get hurt.

"W-wasn't flirtying..."

"Oh, right. So how do you call it?"

"C-complimenting my friend..?" He makes himself as smaller as he can and waits, never staring at you.

"Are you playing dumb with me? She was obviously seducing you and you didn't move an inche!" It's so tiring how he can't stand for himself.

"I was being friendly..."

"FRIENDLY?" He flinches, starting to tremble and whisper to himself. "YOU WOULD'VE CHEATED ON ME IF I DIDN'T STOP HER!"

"N-no..." Tamaki hates screams so much.

"LIAR! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU ARE TOO INNOCENT, IT'S SO-"

You look at Tamaki and he is sobbing, asking for forgiviness but is barely audible. It breaks your heart when he starts punching himself.

The world is all blurry to Amajikis, he hates this part of his personality so much, and you were the only one that he thought understands him, that you understood how hard it is for him, but he is trying his best.

"Tamaki?" You were calling him since you noticed that you were screaming, but he spaced out. "I'm sorry, oh my god, answer me-"

The only one he thought fully understands...

"Sorry, baby!!! Look at me, oh fuck!"

Liar? Cheater? Is this all you have to say about him? Coudn't be more caring with the words?

Is in times like this that we really get to know someone, he ponders.

"I-i-i c-can't d-do this any-anymore..." He then runs for his life.

Amajiki told Mirio and Nejire about everything, and aa the protectors they are, both helped him to avoid you as the month passed.

Came to the point that Tamaki alone didn't look at you anymore, your face alone make him feel anxious.

and that was when you knew that the lovebirds feel apart.

Bakugo

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Katsuki was raging, for the third time this week.

"Angel, i would like it better if we sit here and talk..."

"Who cares about what you think?" He is stubborn, you can tell after 2 years of dating.

"Katsuki, stop being immature for a minute." You aren't on the mood to take his drama today, and he doesn't notice that he is crossing a line.

"What about YOU stop being A WHORE, SHITTY PERSON!"

Katsuki is mad at you for posting a pic with your guy bestfriend. His jealousy is getting out of hand, the photo has none romantic appealing.

"You better apologize now." You're firm with him, not backing up even when the little explosions start on his hands.

"I am the one to apologize? Fuck no."

"I literally did nothing wrong and you are screaming, of course you are going to apologize!"

"NOTHING WRONG?" Bakugo walks away so he won't hurt you. "YOU AND THAT LOSER POSTING PHOTOS TOGHETER WAS WHAT? A NIGHTMARE?" he replys to you and proceeds to spit.

"You're... disgusting, you know that?"

"SHUT UP! I'm very dissapointed with-"

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" You suddenly stand for yourself, gaining confidence out of nowhere.

Katsuki is silent. He just heavy breaths and stare at you with seems like fear.

"I DON'T GIVE A SINGLE FUCK TO WHAT YOU THINK!" You yell and he is taken aback by your response, closing his eyes and trying to take more air.

"I HATE YOU! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE, IT'S USELESS!" You start taking your things to walk away. "I won't insist into a failed relationship anymore."

He can't move.

All those years, he was the one pointing fingers at you, he was the one accusing.

And he doesn't know what to do now.

Katsuki is still upset, and his pride says to stay right where he is and pray for you to come back.

But he is not cold hearted as it seems, he wants you more than anything. Maybe he should give up only this time

Or maybe not.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

YES

NO!!!

YES!!!!!!

By the time he is able to decide, you are already out of his sigh, out of the shopping you guys had agreed to met in, and you are out of your rational state.

Katsuki was not able to find you that day.

Katsuki was not able to fix it.

End </3

[sweetestlamb]

Cursed

Author's note: They really saved all the angst for the end huh? Criminal. Just a sad hour drabble.

Summary: This was always the inevitable outcome.

"Let's stop."

It feels like the typhoon that was raging through the streets has settled in his chest and destroyed the sole organ residing when he hears her utter those soul wrenching words after the long moments of continued silence. All the poets and scholars are wrong, in this moment it doesn't feel better to have loved and lost. It feels like his heart is breaking a thousand times over and never mending after each break.

Wait. No. I'm sorry. I'll tell you everything. Please, just don't go.

Everything he should say but he's paralyzed and he can feel her eyes on him, waiting, wishing, pleading.

Saying something. Anything.

But he can't, because his deepest fear is already happening. She's leaving him because he's not good enough, not healed enough despite countless hours of therapy, too broken to ever be fixed or loved. He should have walked away when she confessed but he was weak, too far under her spell to see this inevitable end. There was no other conclusion for them yet he tested his luck, knowing full well the cards he can been dealt since birth. Death and destruction.

"I'll just go." She sounds beyond defeated, voice too small but he's too weak to move even though every piece of his body wants to stop her, instead he watches her pass him and walk through the doors gone with the softest click. He wishes she had slammed it shut, but she isn't immature like him. This hurts more somehow.

It's only then that he lets the tears fall.

Leaving his face soaked within seconds because it's over already, in the blink of an eye he's ruined the best thing that accidentally fell into his lap. He hiccups as he watches the salty wet drops land on the only picture he keeps of her, the only only tangent memory he could allow to remain. It hurts too much to think of them, to think of how knowing him ruined their lives.

That was his curse. Everyone who came in contact with him would eventually get hurt, it was better not to get involved with anyone he knew that. But still he let her in, it was stupid and selfish. He should have pushed her away before she started to feel anything for him. Before she started to love him. She had looked so sincere that night under the twinkle of fairy lights and he couldn't help saying it back. He loved her, so deeply and desperately that he ignored all the pain and suffering he'd faced before her. It was a mistake.

It's best that they stop.

She wanted a family and kids, a life he never thought about because he didn't deserve it. No. It didn't deserve him. He was too broken to raise a child with the love and care they deserved, he was still a lost little helpless boy himself wandering in the dark trying to find his parents. Only to remember that knowing him killed them. He was the grim reaper after all.

"It's better this way." He whispers to himself, wiping at the wetness on his face before collapsing on his couch. It faintly smells like her sweet perfume and the scent is enough to make him shatter despite his words, she's gone. He's all alone, again and he has no one to blame but himself.

"Grandfather, what do I do now? What am I supposed to do? Why doesn't it get easier? I miss you," he chokes words cracking on his tongue, he falls to his knees with grief clutching at his heart. "It hurts. It hurts so much, I need her. I don't want to be alone anymore, I'm so tired of being alone grandpa. Why do I have to live like this? Why can't I be happy?"

He curls up into a weeping ball on the floor, chest emptied as he cries for the life that he'll never have with the woman he should have never touched.

It's better this way.

[jamboreeofsurprises]

I might regret admitting this, but i feel like i might as well open up about it. i can always delete it later lol.

A lot of my dysphoria is gender related, but some of it is age related as well and I feel like this is a difficult concept for most people to wrap their minds around. Depression started with the onset of puberty for me. it felt like the beginning of things going downhill, and it has, for the most part, continually gotten worse throughout my teen years and now into adulthood. i never looked forward to growing up whatsoever and the fact that everyone else did only further enforced these feelings. it created a great sense of isolation to feel so differently about all these disturbing changes everyone else seemed ready and excited for. the only person i've ever seen who expressed similar sadness about the end of childhood is the artist henry darger. he felt like it was losing important and precious that he would never be able to get back, and that's how i feel about it too. when i still wanted to play with toys, my friends had already grown past that and lost interest and got rid of theirs and it gravely upset me. i didn't want this, but you have to accept as a living being that you have to grow up.

regardless of how i feel about this, i've tried, of course, to do 'grown up' things as you should as you get older, i went to college, took up some more responsibilities, have a job, have other outlets for money, pay taxes, pay for my things etc., but i have always gravely lagged behind where other people seem capable of doing things. i am 24 now and still feel the same as i did when i was about 12. maybe that isn't that strange, but i don't look that different either. i have childish interests. i fit into most of the same clothes (and actually weigh even less). i'm average height but didn't otherwise grow or change very much. because of gender dysphoria, i'm relieved about this. a lot of people still address or treat me like i'm a child and it's because i look and act like one. but i don't know that i even want to or if it's just because i'm chronically immature.

one of the biggest avenues for 'adult pain' to me is driving. i can't do it. it gives me such bad sensory overload and i've seen my own death via car crash in my mind so many times and to be honest with you i'm pretty sure thats the way im going to go. but because i live in california where it's basically required (and i really dont want to leave here), and my parents, and all my peers here, can do it just fine, and have been doing it since they were teenagers, i have to just do it. so okay i try. and ive already been in like 3 accidents. no they weren't serious but i can't do it. everyone else i know does not have that kind of luck with it. but every time i pleaded with my parents repeatedly that i can't do it they just told me to keep trying and now that i'm moved out they made me the owner of the van. because my mom's mom couldn't drive which 'made her basically crippled' in my mom's words, im going to be a disappointment if i can't do it. but i absolutely cant do it.

someone at a desk today needed to know my age and when i answered it they had some disbelief and asked for it again. when something stupid happens like a car accident and i prove again that im just a dumb child, it make me feel a thousand times more embarrassed than if i actually looked and felt like an adult. because it really does just make me a scared incapable little kid all over again.

i dont even know what's autism or what's dysphoria sometimes but i always need so much fucking help with everything to a humiliating extent. my childhood friend was already cooking and maintaining the house when we were little and driving all over the place as soon as they were old enough too. i cant do any of that now. i can barely fry a god damn egg. and the pressure is on all the time because my friends and parents could do all of it way younger than me. im so tired of being me. im so tired of looking and feeling this way and not being able to do anything.

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

Meeting and Dating Mitch Kramer

(Not my gif)(Requested by anonymous)

(If the story ain’t broke why fix it?)

- You first met Mitch at the Emporium. You and a few of your older friends were busy playing a game of pool when he and Pink came over.

- The soon-to-be senior introduced the two of you and you chatted for a while, hitting it off straight away. You thought he was awkwardly adorable and he thought you were absolutely amazing.

- After a short conversation, the two of you said goodbye and went about your separate nights... at least for a little while. Soon enough you’d find yourselves running into each other again at the beer bust, both a little tipsy but happy to see each other.

- The two of you sober up a bit while you talk and you wind up spending half the night getting to know each other. You share a kiss in the early hours of the morning and give him a ride home, making plans to hang out later that day if he wasn’t completely grounded.

- Your first date is at the arcade. You give him a peck on the lips everytime he wins a game and he “pays you back” with a gift from the prize counter. Well it’s safe to say he won more than a stuffed animal that day since the two of you have been together ever since.

- Lots of pda. He has no shame, especially when it comes to you. He want’s people to know that you’re together; he’s very proud. 

- He tends to just call you some form of your own name, he feels sort of awkward calling you anything else. It just never sounds right coming out of his mouth, at least to him. 

- Lot’s of making out. It’s one of his favorite hobbies. 

- Going to his baseball games. 

- Walking each other to class.

- Bowling dates. 

- Convincing him to let you braid his hair and do other weird shit to it. 

- Brushing hair from each others faces. 

- Hanging out with Jodi every once and a while. She thinks you’re adorable and teases the two of you constantly. 

- Laying side by side on his bed, listening to his music together.

- He likes to make different mixtapes for the two of you. You spend a lot of time jumping around his room and singing along. 

- Hanging out on the moon tower. You like going up there at night and stargazing.

- Sitting alone together during parties. 

- He doesn’t mind just talking to you all night, he never gets tired of your conversations. 

- Helping him and his friends evade O’Bannion or occasionally get their revenge. 

- Giving each other pecks on the lips. 

- Wearing his baseball cap and playing dress up with his different patterned shirts. The two of you may or may not have matching outfits courtesy of his mom. 

- Making sure he’s alright at parties and isn’t going to get himself killed while stumbling around drunk. 

- His friends like to tease him whenever you’re around, telling embarrassing stories or roasting him. They’re all very impressed, and slightly jealous, that he managed to snag a babe like you. 

- He’s pretty much willing to do whatever you ask mainly because he loves you and wants you to be happy but also because he wants you to think he’s cool and reliable. 

- He likes being able to impress you. He tends to try and act all nonchalant about the stuff he manages to do even though he often surprises himself, once again: he wants you to think he’s cool. 

- A lot of boys his age (and older) are immature but he’s often an exception. Having an older sister has definitely helped to desensitize him to girly things and given him more experience when it comes to understanding women. 

- Mitch is constantly putting people before himself, it’s one of the reasons you love him so much but it’s also something you try to help him with. You don’t want him being used and manipulated so you keep a bit of an eye out for assholes. 

- There’s been at least a few instances of him going to Jodi or his mom for advice. He doesn’t trust his friends directions and women know women best, right? 

- Picnic dates. 

- Arcade dates. 

- Getting to hear all of the crazy stories he has from hanging out with the seniors. 

“So he says to me ‘throw it’ and what am I gonna say? No? And so I throw it, and I kid you not, the thing goes through someone’s windshield.” 

- It’s pretty easy to convince him to do something with you. Late night convenience store runs, weird adventures, whatever you have in mind. 

- Ignoring his older friends innuendos and dirty jokes. They like embarrassing him in any way they can.

“Hey, have fun kids. And you watch out cause this kids a wild child, man!”

- He likes to keep his arm around your waist so that people know you’re dating. He doesn’t think anyone would immediately assume you were together “because, well, he’s him and you’re you”.

- He definitely has his jealous moments. Most guys don’t take him seriously since he’s “just a freshman” (especially the more persistent drunks and assholes) which leads to a bit of insecurity when it comes to your relationship. You’re beautiful, he’s sure a ton of guys are lined up waiting for him to mess up or for you to get tired of him. 

- A lot of the time he’ll ask his friends about the guys who are talking to you, trying to seem nonchalant which isn’t too much of a feat since his friends are usually a bit drunk. If he doesn’t like their response he’ll come over and join the conversation, making sure nothing fishy is going on.

- Wondering how he meets some of the people he knows. 

- He leans his chin on your shoulder or presses his face against the side of your head whenever he hugs you from behind. 

- He’s got a framed photo of you next to his bed that he likes to look at when he’s going to bed. 

- Nose kisses. 

- You both follow each other around like lost puppies depending on what kind of situation you’re in. 

- Walking home from school together or driving him home. A lot of the time you’ll grab a bite to eat together once classes are over. 

- Staying at each other’s houses for dinner. You’re always invited over to his place since his mom adores you. 

- You cuddle snuggled into his side while laying your head on his arm/chest and holding his hand. 

- Little snide remarks and teasing, the two of you like to banter. 

- You rarely ever fight but when you do he acts rather passive aggressive, Not quite addressing the problem just making cryptic comments that you’re supposed to understand. It’s annoying but he’ll usually come to his senses pretty quickly, sigh and apologize while trying his best to actually explain how he feels. 

- He’s a good bullshitter, making up little stories on the spot whenever he needs, He often entertains you with little characters that he’s created whenever you’re both bored. 

- He’s a slut for handholding.

- Bowling dates.

- Study dates. 

- He’s always the first person to tell you you’ll do great on a test or anything you’re worried about.

- Shy “I love you’s” every now and again. 

- You plan to spend not just your high school days together, but the rest of your days as well. 

[mediocre--writing]

The Drooping Red Silvias on the Dining Room Table

Tom Riddle X fem!Hufflepuff!Reader

Summary: “Love could be remembered forever and it could be dwelled on for decades, but it didn’t last forever. Nothing did. Not a truly happy smile. Not the Red Silvias on the dining room table. Not even love.”

Word Count: 4544

Warnings: like two bad words, SUPER ANGSTY

“Pathetic, isn’t it?” A teasing voice questioned from behind Tom’s left shoulder.

“What is it now?” He heard a light giggle as he felt her get closer to him, her aura contrasting his in every way.

Where he was harsh, sharp angles, she was kind and bright, in every way possible. And it beat just about every brain in Hogwarts how the two ended up together at all.

“How much you mope around school scowling at people when you could just come find me and we could have a grand ol’ time!”

And so it was, the grin that was hardest to suppress made its way across his dull face, one only the girl next to him could elicit from him. He enjoyed it, no matter how much he protested her jokes and immature behavior, it brought out the child in him that he was never allowed to show.

“Should you be any more childish, they might have to hold you back this year, L/n,”

Matching smirks graced their faces as they made eye contact in the busy hallway on their way to dinner, in which she would ditch her rightful place at the Hufflepuff table and sit with Tom at the Slytherin table, a good bit away from any other students in the house.

“They would never, I’m far too loved in this school for anyone to wish me a disadvantage!” She said, mocking an offended tone and placing a dramatic hand on her chest.

“Think what you will, but you are one of the most adorably immature people I've had the chance to meet,”

“Oh, Tommy, that’s just pessimistic, be a bit happier, will you? We’ve got, like, a month left of school and I’d like to be happy for the time being, if you can manage that?”

They sat at the end of the Slytherin table, close to the door, and far from other students. They both began to place food onto their plates in mass amounts, the Hufflepuff being more than distraught at the idea of having to lose Hogwarts’ meals after graduation.

The brunet smiled at the bubbly girl in front of him, her eyes glimmering from the reflection of candles in the hall. There was nobody he admired more, from her personality to her obsession with Herbology to the way she read, all curled up on an uncomfortable library chair, and he especially adored the way she kept him connected to the person he always strived to be, even if he didn’t notice himself drifting, she always did.

“I think I can manage that,” He said softly, looking down to add more roast to his dinner plate. “For you, I think I can manage anything,” 

“Pathetic, isn’t it?” A teasing voice questioned from behind Tom’s left shoulder.

“What is it now?” He questioned the ghost that haunted him to this day.

“Well, the fact that you’re trying so hard, for one,” Her mocking voice chuckled as her semi-transparent form drifted to face him.

The man-- if you could call him that-- groaned at her insistence on bothering him.

“I also think that you’re doing far to much to not die, that you’re gonna end up getting killed and only end up living to, like, 80, at the most,”

“If you could be quiet for a moment then maybe I would be able to focus and then I won’t get killed!” He snapped, agitated at the nuisance around him, slamming his hand onto the table that had plans spilled across it.

“Too bad you can’t kill a ghost, huh?” She quirked her head to show a false sympathy for the man, “Though, you already did kill me, so…”

“Shut up!” He tried to command with a strong voice, but it came out quieter than he wanted it to, guilt overtaking what was left of his emotions.

She let out a loud sigh as she crossed her arms over her chest, rolling her eyes, “No need to be so dramatic, Tommy,”

“Why don’t you just go to wherever it is you go when you’re not bothering me,” He sneered at the ghost of a girl who used to be everything to him, but was now diminished to absolutely nothing.

“Alright,” She said, backing up to disappear and reappear somewhere else, “Catch you later, Tommy!”

He let out a final groan after she disappeared, getting back to what he was doing before.

Meanwhile, at Hogwarts, the ghost was wandering around, talking to other ghosts, sometimes waving to younger students, and just milling around with nothing to do.

“Excuse me,” she heard a timid voice call from around her. “Ma’am, excuse me,”

“Are you talking to me?” She asked, raising an eyebrow at the brunet boy below her who nodded at her question. “What is it you need, darling?”

“Do you know other.... uhhhhh,” He paused his question, eyes darting around as if to escape the prevalent tension, “Other people, who have… gone from the world?”

“Why do you ask, and what is your name, darling?” The Hufflepuff asked tenderly.

“I’m Neville,” The boy spoke as his cheeks flushed pink, his grip tightening around his satchel, “And I was reading about how some ghosts have contact with those who are passed through, and others can’t and I just wondered if there were any ghosts at Hogwarts who could--”

“Neville, darling,” He was pulled from his rambling and fidgety monologue, “I’m very sorry, but I’ve not been able to contact those who have passed, but I may know who you are referring to, given I have been around Hogwarts for quite a while,”

“Well, my parents…”

“What’s your last name?”

“L-Longbottom, ma’am,” the boy stuttered out quietly.

“Your parents, they’re Frank and Alice, correct?” She tilted her head as she lowered her body from floating feet above the floor to be closer to the ground so as to not be intimidating to the shy boy, who looked more like his father than he probably knew.

“Yes, you knew them?” Neville had a spark of hope lit in his eyes, it was apparent in the way he straightened his posture and could look her in the eyes.

“Yes, I also knew your grandmother, Agusta, while I was at Hogwarts, is she still as intimidating as she once was?” Neville nodded with a small smile, “Well, Alice was one of the first friends I made while wandering Hogwarts. Kindest women I’ve ever met, by a long shot. I didn’t know Frank too well, however, but Alice worked him into just about every conversation she could, she loved that boy,”

“Do you have any stories?” Neville asked, taking a seat on a bench on the side of the hallway, “If you don’t mind, that is?”

“Of course I don’t mind!”

She spent until curfew talking about Alice and Frank, stories of their dates and their friends and how goofy and awkward and wonderful they both were. Neville had never felt so close to his parents, he could almost cry.

Y/n loved talking about her friends, though she was never truly a friend, but she liked feeling close to people and helping them along in the world.

She’d seen people she was once close to go down a path that only resulted in destruction, and she wanted to prevent as many people from doing that as she could. It hurt everyone when someone hurt themselves.

After Neville had gone to bed, she had begun wandering the halls once again, watching paintings move and random cats and owls move around outside on the grounds.

She could never get tired of the castle, especially not the grounds, which, no matter the weather, always seemed to be green and full of life. She loved the edge of the forest, right before it got too dense but where you could still be surrounded by trees.

“Tommy!” She squealed, feeling the blood run to her head as she was hung over his shoulder. “Tom! Thomas!”

He was giggling right along with her, running across the lawn, over to the forest where nobody went, enjoying the warm, sunny, spring day that seemed rare this time of year.

He finally allowed the girl’s feet to touch the ground, but kept her wrapped in his arms holding their chests together, fast breathing causing them to touch every breath or so.

“Was that necessary, love? You could’ve just asked to walk over here calmly,” She smirked, watching as his cheeks lost some of their pink tint as he calmed his breathing.

“Yes, but aren’t you always the one telling me that life should be fun, not mundane, like I, apparently, always am?” Tom teased the girl, poking one of her cheeks as she leant against a tree, staring into his eyes.

He pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, where a small white flower already was, probably from the bouquet that he’d given her just a few days ago. The bouquet had been mostly white flowers, along with a few yellow ones, and he’d said the white flowers were as perfect and pure as she was, along with the yellow sunflowers that he’d put in, comparing them to her bright smile.

“You’re not mundane,” She smirked, poking his cheek as well, to prove a point, but let her hand rest against his jaw, “maybe a little dull sometimes, but --”

His lips touched hers tenderly and with love as he smiled into the kiss they shared, in the forest, away from prying eyes and lurkers.

She gasped a bit from the surprise of her sentence ending so abruptly, but sunk into the kiss after a moment, still holding his cheek in her palm as his hands wrapped around her waist, curling her into his chest.

This was a routine for them, hiding from the eyes that seemed to follow them everywhere and share tender moments that neither would forget in years to come.

Sometimes, the moments they shared, weren’t just kissing, they would sit in the back corner of the library, far from the librarian’s prying eyes, and would read old children’s tales to one another.

(She swore that his voice was made for reading, and the way his chest felt when she rested on his lap was perfect for casual reading days.)

Other days, they would do homework. More like Tom would try and work and she would talk his ear off until he threatened her to do her work. Though the threats were harmless, (ex: no cuddles or kisses until Monday) though, he wasn’t good at keeping them anyway. She was too perfect to just ignore for the sake of lousy school work.

They enjoyed their time together, no matter what they did, it was always precious time if it was spent with the other.

“Ms. L/n!”

She jumped from her daydream as she noticed the man standing at the end of the hallway.

“Professor Dumbledore, how are you tonight?”

“I’m fine,” He smiled kindly from underneath his half moon spectacles, eyes glimmering even in the darkest corner of the castle. “You know what’s been brewing outside these walls. I’m here to ask something from you, once again. Would you be willing to aid me and my friends as you did many years ago, should the time come to do so?”

She stared off, quietly wishing she didn’t have to. “Of course, Professor,”

“My thanks means nothing in comparison to the help you will give us, Ms. L/n,”

The man nodded once more and walked to the end of the hallway, turning left as he disappeared out of sight.

Though it meant close to nothing, she couldn’t help but feel guilty.

How could she have gotten into Hufflepuff, the house of the loyal, if she were betraying the one person who ever treated her with more than a fake smile and courteous conversation.

Her Tommy, who had once been a kind soul who only wanted to feel the love he had been deprived of in his first life. The happiness that had been brutally ripped away from him any moment he got too comfortable.

It was the right thing, going against Lord Voldemort, but there was still a part of her that wanted to help Tom Riddle on the right path when there was so much persuading him from straying to the wrong path.

The person she knew was, well, a person at heart. He may not have shown it often, but he wanted what people were given freely. He hated having to ask or dream of what others were given daily.

For what should give a person a reason to treat a child as less than loved?

“Y/n I’ve been looking for you everywhere, do you know wh--” He paused halfway through the two shelves that hid the table and chairs that they would go on study dates to.

It was the perfect spot, a small window that showed the hilly landscape outside and allowed just enough light that it gave the spot a romantic feel without being too dark or light. There was a small table and two plush chairs, which was just enough for the two. It was the perfect spot, apart from right now, where there was Y/n, tears pouring down her cheeks as she tried to mop them up with the end of her sweater sleeves.

He walked up to her, slightly shaking, body, crouched down a bit, and opened his arms, to which she wrapped her sweater-covered hands around him and connected her hands around his neck, pulling him partially down to her chair.

He adjusted them bit by bit until he was in the chair and she was laying across his lap and chest, her cheek nestled into the side of his neck, his light gray sweater getting slightly damp from her tears.

She began to stop crying, embracing the earthy, yet clean smell he had, along with his fingertips running up and down her spine in an effort to bring comfort to the girl. She shivered every once and a while, in which he would respond by snuggling her deeper into his warm body.

They remained quiet for a while, even after she stopped crying and was breathing normally, just enjoying the embrace, and the calm atmosphere that came with it.

“Wanna tell me what’s got you spooked, darling?” He asked in a whisper, scared to break the comfort with too loud a voice.

She shook her head in the crook of his neck, nustling her nose deeper into his sweater, which was softer than anything she’d ever felt. ‘I’ll have to steal that later,’ she thought.

“That’s alright,” He reassured, “It wasn’t somebody, was it? Or were you overwhelmed, darling?”

She smiled into his shoulder, murmuring “Overwhelmed,” as she closed her eyes once again, feeling more tired than ever.

He had to know that it wasn’t someone who made her upset, and knew that more often than not, it was just a mix of school and general teenage angst, which he knew that better than anyone.

He felt her warm breath on his neck, feeling her yawn as she readjusted her head again, “Tired, darling?” to which he got no reply other than her arms squeezing around his torso a bit tighter than they had been.

He chuckled to himself, smiling at the girl who, in his eyes, at least, couldn’t be more perfect.

During the last war, Y/n had been in the same predicament.

She wanted to do the right thing for a majority of people, but she also felt as if she was going against her loyalty for not defending Tom, though he was barely even who he used to be at that point.

She had advantages for either side, mostly the Order of the Phoenix, because she understood how The Dark Lord’s mind worked and you couldn’t exactly hold a ghost back from a room or hear what she wanted, given you couldn’t exactly stop her from just floating through the wall.

She knew it was the right thing.

She wasn���t a complete idiot, she knew basic right from wrong, though it didn’t erase guilt.

Nothing erased guilt.

That went both ways.

Tom still felt a tremendous amount of guilt when it came to his lost love.

She had never given up on him, not a single time between their years at Hogwarts and the years beyond when they had been trying to understand how their life worked without people telling them how to act. Without set rules to follow.

They’d never strayed from one another, always been loyal and adamant about their trust in one another.

She never doubted him, and that was the worst part. She didn’t see him as a god or supernatural being, and he supposed it was nice to be admired for being a person rather than for actions that could be twisted back and forth.

He didn’t have the best conscious, given it was switching between what he wanted and what he needed, and she was something he needed, but he prioritized his wants over her. His views on blood status had clouded his judgement and, in turn, lost him everything he’d ever wanted and everything he’d needed.

“Stop acting like a fucking twat for once in your life, Thomas!” She screamed as she found, yet another, suspicious book sitting on his desk.

This time it was a book called Horcruxes: How to Make and Destroy the Key to Eternal Life.

“What is that supposed to mean?!” He was agitated, he was close to pulling out his own hair in pure agitation, “I was reading a book and now you’re being all pissy for no reason!”

“Oh, so you can read?” She asked, hands on her hips like a scolding mother, “Then what was the title of your little book, Tom?”

He was silent, looking around the room rather than in her eyes. He’d been caught but he was far too stubborn to admit that he was at fault for the argument.

“Tom,”

“If you’re so mad then just get out!”

“I’m not mad at you, I just want to know what’s going through your head because from what I’m looking at, it’s not a good situation. And you know, good and well, that I will believe what you tell me, but if you keep lying then I really will ‘get out,’”

She set the book down on the desk as she watched his body language, surveying his eyes flickering around the room and his fingers loosening and tightening his tie again and again.

“Tommy,”

“I don’t want to lose you, ever, and I’m trying to figure out a way that we never have to be without the other.” She opened her mouth to question him further but he began rambling, “I want to be with you forever and I don’t want us to be apart because I know we’ve been together for a long time, but I can’t bear the thought of, one day, not having you with me. It’s something I can’t afford to lose because of some stupid mistake or-or,”

“Tommy,” She put her hand over his, which was on the arm of his chair, “Life is about losing things and gaining things. We can’t cheat nature just because we want to be loved for longer or because of pure selfishness. I don’t exactly want to live without you, either, but I know that you’re always going to love me and I know that I will always love you, no matter what you think, so just calm down for a few moments and enjoy life while you still get to,”

That night had changed everything.

Had the conversation been had earlier, maybe the first two Horcruxes wouldn’t have been made. He rethought everything after that, finding his humanity that he’d been repressing for months, all for her.

It was never that easy, though. He had already made the Horcruxes, and he vowed he would stop now.

And he did. For almost a year, he made no more moves to further his progression of splitting his soul into seven pieces. He found happiness, he kept her love for him in a pocket right over his heart, where he also kept the small flowers she would pick him out of the garden, and he still felt like a person.

A person who, though he was now beginning to regret it, had an army of loyal, blood supremacists behind him. He had made them promises that he was now beginning to question.

It was a beautiful morning.

A blue sky, blooming flowers, and the smell of rain that was sure to fall later in the day. But now, Tom was reading in his study, watching his wonderful darling tend to her garden, she was fascinated with nature, what it meant and how it grew so freely.

She would ramble about why she had certain bouquets into the dining room table, about what they meant, and how her smile was only brighter when she was talking about him.

(“These are daisies and morning glories. The daisies mean hope and the morning glories mean care and affection. I noticed you were moping earlier and wanted you to feel happier.”)

(“These are violets and asters-- they look pretty together, no?” “Of course they do, darling,” “The violets are for loyalty and the asters are for love, because that’s how I feel for you,”)

(“All yellow tulips, darling?” “I read somewhere that they represent the sunshine in your loved one’s smile, and you just light up my world,” “Oh, how cheesy, darling,”)

That morning, she’d put in a large bouquet of Red Salvias, which bounced well off the crisp white tablecloth underneath.

“And what of those flowers, darling?” Tom had asked once he came into the room to find her in her gardening clothes, dirty and grimy but still looking absolutely stunning while she arranged the red flowers.

“They’re Red Salvias, they represent a forever love,” She’d sent a cheeky smile towards him at the last part of the sentence, to which he walked towards her, grinning, and wrapping his arms around her from behind.

“Then we shall put them everywhere, darling,” He whispered softly into her ear.

Her smile was one that could not be broken. When she was around those she loved, nothing could dull her happiness and affection towards them.

Tom never wanted her smile to fade, not because of him and certainly not because of anyone else.

A knock was heard from the front door, harsher than the old neighbor lady, who would bring them sweets occasionally, would knock.

Tom looked back to her, then walked to the door, coming to see Abraxas Malfoy, one of his friends from school, though they weren’t necessarily friends, given their heritage.

“Abraxas, how nice to see you,” Tom said curtly, confused as to why the man was there, given he hadn’t spoken to any of them recently.

Little did Tom know that they had been meeting one another recently. All his followers met to discuss their leader’s change in attitude, which led to the answer for his rejection of ideals.

Quite the understandable distraction, they had agreed, but unnecessary all the same.

As Tom was tensely chatting with Abraxas Malfoy, another, undetected Death Eater had walked to the back door, sending a silent petrification charm at Y/n, catching her before she hit the ground.

Unable to speak or move, her eyes widened and looked to Tom worriedly as she was aggressively moved and bound, hands together and a strange man’s hand around her neck, squeezing hardly, but not too tight that she was losing oxygen.

After a few more moments, Abraxas noticed that the girl had been restrained and nodded for Tom to turn, to which he immediately pulled out his wand to the platinum blond, threatening him, but it was evident that nobody was there to hurt him.

There were two more masked Death Eaters in the garden, watching from outside, threateningly, as Abraxas smiled and Tom tried not to act rashly as Y/n tried not to allow tears to slip from her eyes.

“All we want is our old leader back, Tom,” Abraxas said from behind his right shoulder.  “It’s a pretty easy decision to make, if you ask me, we’ll spare the girl, if you come back to us, as you should,”

Tom’s wand, for the first time in his life, was trembling in his tight grip.

It didn’t feel right, the deal, and he knew that if he followed what he really, truly wanted, she wouldn’t live to continue his ideal life with him. But if he chose the path he was avoiding, would he lose her anyway, would she stay if he was a murderer?

She, though bound and being choked, didn’t feel as though she should be nervous, this was her Tommy, the Tommy who would read her children’s stories because it made her smile. The Tommy who would poke at her cheeks when she was trying to be mad at him.

Even if he chose, whatever it was, with these people, she knew that he would always be Tommy to her.

Her Tommy.

And as he made a decision, a stupid one on his part, he knew that it was his last act of true defiance and bravery.

He shot a spell at the man choking her, but was immediately pulled back down by Abraxas as he watched her fall over to the floor, unable to catch herself due to her bound hands.

“You have made a mistake, Tom, and we don’t tolerate mistakes here, now do we?”

There was one last look of vulnerability in Tom’s eyes as he watched a spell hit Y/n.

That last look of vulnerability lasted until his final death.

He watched as her, once tense, body went limp from the use of the Unforgivable Curse.

He’d done it to people before. He’d felt no remorse on the other end of it. He’d almost enjoyed the feeling of power that came with using the Unforgivables.

Not anymore. He didn’t like the other side. He didn’t like feeling this. The pain. The knowledge that if he’d just done what he should have a long time ago, he’d have her there. With him.

Abraxas allowed him to stand up, and he did, slowly, and tried to not look into her cold, dead eyes that still dripped with unfinished tears, and clothes still dirty from the gardening she’d done earlier that day.

He’d looked to the dining room table, at the Red Silivas that she’d just finished arranging only minutes ago.

The flowers that represented a love that spanned forever.

Little did those flowers know that forever only lasted until the love was broken in half and ripped to shreds. There was no love that lasted forever.

As the flowers would begin to droop with days to come and nobody to care for them, Tom’s once shining love would begin drooping with them.

Love could be remembered forever and it could be dwelled on for decades, but it didn’t last forever.

Nothing did.

Not a truly happy smile.

Not the Red Silvias on the dining room table.

Not even love.

[dykesbat]

okok songs from my bruce playlist + reasons

first love / late spring by mitski

“and I was so young when I behaved twenty-five / Yet now I find I’ve grown into a tall child… Please hurry, leave me, I can’t breathe / Please don’t say you love me / Mune ga hachikire-sōde”

pretty self-explanatory! bruce is emotionally immature and just. yeah i feel like he oftentimes does feel the same as he did in that alleyway yknow. maybe he’s realizing the depths of how immature he is right here in the moment of recognizing that the person he finds himself loving right now is also someone he could potentially lose. i think of bruce as someone who loves a lot. maybe here he’s acknowledging how the price of loving is the possibility of pain.

everybody lost somebody by bleachers

THIS ENTIRE SONG BROOOOOOO

“It’s this dream I keep having where I’m begging / Just to give myself a break / But there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to wake up and remember it / I wanna wake up and remember”

Bruce being an avid dreamer is a pretty popular concept n idk I think the concept of his dreams diverging from the nightmares of his loss to a dream of him acknowledging that he’s mourning and wanting the world to stop or like. him having a nightmare where the only coherent words he remembers after waking up is just his internal “i’m so tired” but maybe its survivors guilt maybe its just the desperation to hold on to whatever he can of the people that he lost maybe he's just trying to hold on to all the good and the good memories are just. so intertwined with the pain of loss. but he doesn’t want to let go of it

“I think pain is waiting alone at the corner / Tryna get myself back home, yeah / Looking like everybody / Knowing everybody lost somebody... A reason I see myself in a million faces / A reason I can't stop it all from changing / So come on, motherf*^&r, you survive”

i think these lines can be used to represent him turning his pain into his efforts for making gotham better. basically just. redirecting the love into the city and the people rather than only mourning. obv it would be his entire mission after his parent’s deaths. and for canon continuity reasons—since it's a bit more hopeful maybe it's after jason’s death and after tim comes around? idk i imagine bruce remembering his parents and remember jason around the manor hallways and on the city rooftops. the whole “trying to get myself back home” can be like home = the person lost or just. literally bruce trying to put in the effort to dragging himself back home for (himself? tim? alfred? hmm.) n the other lines are just. him seeing himself in gotham and seeing worth in human life. it connects to his compassion and his no-kill-rule and his empathy and his taking in of his children. and like yeah he can’t stop it all from changing he can't prevent every death but he’ll try to. the survive line is also pretty self-explanatory. 

garden song by phoebe bridges

“I don't know when you got taller / See our reflection in the water / Off a bridge at the Huntington / I hopped the fence when I was seventeen / Then I knew what I wanted”

ok so I'm thinking. him talking abt dick in the first few lines. probably after reconciling with him after they've been enstranged for so long and he’s feeling regretful for the mistakes he made there while thinking of their past times together.  maybe he took younger dick to a place he went to when he solidified his plan to train abroad? 

“And it’s gonna be just like my recurring dream / I’m at the movies, I don’t remember what I’m seeing / The screen turns into a tidal wave”

do I have to explain.. avid dreamer bruce,, the movies,, the dream ending terribly,, gn!

“I don’t know how, but I’m taller / It must be something in the water / Everything’s growing in our garden / You don’t have to know that it’s haunted”

idk how to explain it? but just. bruce growing up in a manor that suddenly feels larger than it ever did before. n it feels like he took his parents ghosts w him and left whatever his childhood was back in that alley. and part of him can pick out what he felt on that day. and so much changed and he’s grown? he’s grown older than his father ever was? and he doesn’t know how that's possible?

class of 2013 by mitski

“Mom, can you wash my back / This once, and then we can forget / And I’ll leave what im chasing / For the other girls to pursue…. Mom am I still young / Can I dream for a few months more” 

ok no he is not financially struggling n i will b honest this is a self-indulgent song to maximize relatability <3 but my decision to put this song was also based on the idea of him just. missing him mom so muchhhh?? maybe a dream? maybe the aftermath of fear gas? who knows but here the “forget” will just be for his parent's deaths. I imagine this to be somewhat akin to the mask of phantasm monologue he has at his parents grave. (spoilers for that: he’s basically asking his parents for forgiveness for potentially abandoning his oath of bettering Gotham as Batman). last line makes me #$%^&*( just. hnnnnnnn imagine him waking up blurry eyed and brain fogged and he’s just grasping onto the false belief of his parents still being there n clinging on to the comfort of his pre-crime alley childhood before he truly wakes up. 

 sick of losing soulmates by dodie

okok this is on my bruce + romance playlist too bc it reminded me of batcat and bruharvey. it can also be interpreted as his fam ig? but I feel like that doesn’t apply for most of the song.

“God knows what I would be if you hadn’t found me / Sitting all alone in the dark… What the hell would I be without you / Brave face talk so lightly, hide the truth… Cause I’m sick of losing soulmates / So where do we begin / I can finally see you’re as f$:$:&ed up as me / So how do we win”

 I just think. that. Bruce would have abandonment issues. first four lines can be taken for all three (batcat, bruharv, the family) interpretations. the truth being hidden doubling both as his identity as Batman and just. the fact that he loves them lol (batcat, bruharv). last three lines lean towards bc and bh but personally they reminded me more of bat cat (probably bc ppl always say they’re so similar). basically I feel like this song could signify their fears of losing each other in whatever way that means (romantically, platonically, death) bc they both care for each other so much and impact each other so muchhsuagdj but at the same time it feels like its bound to end badly. (ofc it doesn't. whether or not they like. break up from a romance or have a falling out between friends i’d like to think some time after they heal they become reconnect n their relationship w each other is stronger and so alike what it was before but different bc its just. so much healthier this time. and to copy and paste from my thoughts on my other playlist: bruce crashes at selinas house sometimes and she makes the him catsit for her bc she thinks it’s funny when he complains abt her cats and calls them mean names and then gets a picture of bruce knocked out cuddling them like 30 m later courtesy alfred)