#but i am on the verge of deleting everything on my phone

[highfiveheroes]

.

the mental health spiral got so bad last night that i considered looking into therapy and medication again

and then today went so fucking wrong so maybe i was right lol

i just think that maybe i should. give up everything and go live in the woods i don’t want to talk to people anymore

[strawberrysweater]

.

[jheanelashlee]

There is good news

And then there is

That…

Good news first:

My friend brought me a gallon bottle of water today

She said I need to be less of a goat and

More G.O.A.T

Jk she only mentioned the 1st thing

Bad news:

I found several grey hairs 😂

I’m a sad biscuit

[holysupesbatman]

SuperBat Fic Recs

Woaaaah boy. I was in the Superbat tag and saw someone asking for recs and I got about 5 fics in before I realized that wouldn't fit in a reply and decided I should just make a whole post. I feel like I've read half of the Bruce/Clark tag on ao3 at this point and yet I still find more every time I look.

As a note, this post is heavily editorialized. These are all fics I've personally read and are here because I liked them and they come from my ao3 bookmarks. If you want better details about the fic, follow the links and check them out 🤷‍♀️ I'm a picky reader so the fact that it's on the list says a lot, though our tastes may vary.

Onto the recs! I'll organize them by ratings and then by length for simplicity and at the end I'll recommend some of my favorite SuperBat authors for further reading!

🦇

Rated: G

Uno Reverse by WixenBurr (~7k rated G) is really cute and fluffy

Summary: The batkids are trying to set Batman and Superman up. Unfortunately Bruce Wayne wants to date some rando news reporter named Clark Kent.

Rated: T

Know You Better by rotasha (~6k rated T)

super fluffy and cute. I adore this fic. Summary: Clark asks Bruce on a date, not knowing he’s a famous billionaire. Bruce says yes, because this is the first time this has ever happened to him.

I'm Not As Think As You Drunk I Am by Mardiaz173 (~13k rated T)

This one is SO much fun – Nobody believes Clark after he meets the supposed "flirty, stupid, entitled drunk" playboy billionaire Brucie Wayne when he says he's actually "clever, mischievous, and sober with an indecipherable ulterior motive."

Saudade by liodain (~20k rated T)

OK THIS ONE MAKES MY HEART MELT IT'S SO FLUFFY AND SWEET I CAN'T. Like put this on your re-read when you're sad and need to feel like love and goodness exist list. Bruce breaks down in Kansas in 2006 years before BvS and meets young Clark.

fallin' for him was like fallin' from grace by Resacon1990 (~23k rated T)

It's just 20k of Clark simping for Bruce. That's it. That's the fic. He's a golden retriever and he's in love, Your Honor. Bruce is not unaffected, but the pining is glorious.

summary: Or, five times Clark finds himself falling for Bruce, and the one time he does something about it

Mr. Romantic by Pandamomochan (~24k rated T)

ft Established Relationship SuperBat. Summary: Clark gets tasked to write a Valentine's Day article. The end result has every single women throwing themselves at him. Clark has always been patient with the drove of Brucie fans. Will Bruce be as mature with Clark's sudden popularity?

How to Date a Superhero by @solomonara (~25k rated T)

Technically a series of fics. Pure fluff. 1. Someone spots the Batman kissing Mild Mannered Reporter Clark Kent. Hijinks ensue. 2. Superman kissed Bruce Wayne in full view of several dozen phones. Now the whole world, including Lex Luthor, knows Superman has a boyfriend. But that's okay. Batman has a plan. 3. Deleted scenes from the How to Date a Superhero series, ruthlessly cut in most cases to prevent the Robins from taking over.

In every sense of the word by froggy-o (bobafiend) (~29k rated T) From the author's summary: Alternatively titled "Why Wonder Woman is on the verge of losing her fucking mind."

I swear this fic is just Diana's eyebrow twitching as she watches Bruce and Clark start dating and she's let in on both their civilian identities meanwhile Superman and Batman are on the watchtower arguing and disagreeing about basically everything on the daily. In the name of Justice, of course. The identity porn is on a whole other level and it was done so well.

Get Over It by rotasha (~32k rated T)

heh this one has plenty of identity hijinks. Sooooo funny. Summary: Bruce needs to get over his inconvenient feelings for Superman and he meets an attractive reporter who he thinks can help him do just that. Little does he know...

the cost of being a good dad by Mawiiish (~96k rated T)

hehehe... the batkids set up a dating profile for Bruce and catfish Clark. It's more of a blind date for Bruce (not that he had any idea he was going on a date at all), but who has Clark been texting for the past several weeks??? Oh yeah. The kids. What follows is as follows. Still with capes!

Rated: M

Guardian Dog by BombusBombus (~22k rated M)

Summary: There's something wrong with Clark Kent. He has to be a villain, right? A threat? He doesn't behave like a normal person, no matter how handsome or clever he may seem.

grasp his heart (once and for all) by liodain (~32k rated M) soulmate AU fic. Pretty emotional LOTS of identity issues going on there like so much. Kinda high on the drama and angst there honestly but it was a cute read. Summary: Bruce Wayne doesn't believe in fate.

tell all the truth (but tell it slant) by susiecarter (~33k rated M)

love me a fake dating AU. Summary: It takes a while for Batman and Superman to work things out, once Clark comes back from the dead. Pretending to date each other in order to explain why Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent are in the same place so often? Doesn't help as much as you might think.

Strangers When We Meet by Trista_zevkia (~63k rated M)

ANOTHER soulmate AU! This time feat. Kryptonian Biology hehehe. Summary: Clark Kent thought he was straight, until Batman kick started something. The question is what did Batman start? Is Brucie Wayne able to explain it to him?

ship-to-ship combat by pomeloquat (~77k rated M)

OK NO LISTEN this is one of my all-time favorite fics EVER. It's so meta and so funny. Clark is us. We are Clark. Clark is writing RPF for the Bruce/Batman ship and he's very convinced it's real EVEN THOUGH he has a huge crush on the Batman... let the hijinks BEGIN.

Rated: E

Embracing Destiny by Mithen (~8k rated E)

This one is just really really cute. Summary: As a member of the Legion of Super-Heroes in the 31st century, a teenaged Clark learns a stunning secret about his own future: he and someone called "Batman" will be legendary lovers.

perfect strangers by susiecarter (~15k rated E)

like. bruh. susie did it again. This tag says it all: communication failure. I love this one though. Summary: Batman and Superman are fucking. Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent are a great cover for fighting crime, and also might be dating. Bruce and Clark have no idea what they're doing; but they definitely aren't going to be able to talk themselves into stopping.

Relinquishing Control by foxyk (~25k rated E)

afsfwsdfhishdfksj no words. Read the authors summary and then just go read the fic:

Superman worries that if he lets go he'll injure his partner. Batman knows better. Batman worries that if he lets someone else in, he'll hurt them. Superman knows better.

Picture Perfect by TheSaltiestDog @the-saltiest-dog (~26k rated E)

this one is cute and then horny on main but also just so fluffy. Clark sees Bruce in a new light through candid shots, then proceeds to take lots of candid shots as they begin a relationship. Cue schmoop, fluff, smut, and – you guessed it! –Miscommunication!

A Night Off and sequel A Day Off by Mawiiish (~37k combined; first part is E, second is T)

One of my all-time favorites. My bookmark says 10/10 would read again soooooooo... 👀🤷‍♀️😅🥵

Bruce is enjoying one of his few nights off when a very persistent young man offers to buy him a drink. At first he's apprehensive; he's just here for a good time and this Clark seems to be looking for more than that. Then again, what harm can one drink do?

Clark wakes up to an empty bed and despite Bruce being honest from the start, he's still disappointed.

The Downsides to a Secret Identity by liodain (~42k rated E)

I'm currently reading this one – the summary from the author says it all, it's so good but sooo drama:

Bruce Wayne has taken a shine to Clark Kent, but Clark is more interested in the Bat of Gotham. The Bat, however, has it in for the Superman in a big way. Clark should probably have considered that before falling quite so hard. They're working together to track down some missing Kryptonian weaponry, after all...

50 Shades of Wayne by susiecarter (~161k rated E)

No but listen, this is actually so full of plot and emotional depth and not as much smut as you might think. It's a full-scale retelling of Batman v Superman but without them knowing each other's secret identities. I read it in one go... the reveal? Maybe the best I've ever read. Soooo many emotions. It's one of the few times I've read BDSM in a fic and it actually felt in character. I wasn't sure I would read it when I started, but it was a compelling read and extremely well done. Honestly, I'd read it again.

SuperBat Author Shoutouts:

susiecarter @susiecarter

liodain @liodain

Resacon1990 @sassyresacon1990

shipyrds @burins

Mawiiish @superbattrash

rotasha

Mithen

[wh0r3-for-older-men]

Exam Stress - DR3

Note : I am so sorry to the original requester but I somehow managed to delete the original request and lost your account so please comment if it was you who requested this so that I can tag you (I managed to save the request tho so I can still write it and put it on here). I also wanted to add that I am not glorifying anything, please take care of yourselves.

Request: Hey bestie, it’s exams and im literally dying so something with Daniel where the reader is attending races to support cause he just came back and she is tiring herself to death so Danny and other drivers (charles, george and Max) tries to calm her or something like that

Warnings: talk of overworking and burn out, ignoring mental and physical health, forgetting to eat and sleep, panic attack, Max/Charles/Lando being older concerned brothers.

Word count: 1608 words

!NOT PROOF READ!

I knew that I should tell Danny. I knew. But he was really stressed with racing and everything that I didn’t want to worry him. I thought I had been doing a good job of hiding the stress I was under and Acting like I wasn’t always on the verge of breaking down. I spent my time studying non-stop and then travelling to races from time to time to avoid suspicion. That soon became harder when Daniel and the other drivers started to beg me to come to more. The media had become suspicious as well but I had been muting notifications and ignoring the media. I eventually gave in and agreed to go to more races. Spending the two weeks leading up to my flight worrying about how I was going to balance studying and the races.

Two weeks later, I was on the flight out, quickly sending Danny a quick text saying that I was about to take off and that I loved him, turning my phone off before he responded. I needed to focus on studying as much as possible before the race. When I got off the plane, I turned my phone back on and responded to Danny, telling him I would be out in a couple minutes.

As I walked out of the gate, I saw Daniel looking around for me, frowning. His expression quickly changed when we locked eye contact and his beautiful smile formed on his face. The sight of his smile made me forget my worries, if only briefly. He rushed over to me and hugged me tight before kissing me hard. When he pulled away, I murmured a quiet ‘I love you’ to him before arguing with him over taking my bags, eventually letting him take them - despite my protests.

When we got to the hotel, Daniel opened the door and placed my bags down, watching concerned as I went to grab my laptop and sit on the bed to do work. “Don’t you want to shower and take a nap?” He asked but I just shook my head and said I had work to do. Danny came and sat down next to me, softly taking my laptop from me, ignoring my protests. “You need to rest.” he stated, taking in the bags under my eyes and the weight I had lost from forgetting to eat. “Please?” he added when I didn’t respond. I just nodded and let him turn on the shower for me, eventually leaving me to shower - sensing I wasn’t in the mood for him to shower with me.

I knew I was in there a while but I just couldn’t bring myself to get out, standing under the water and staring at the wall. When I finally managed to gather the energy to get out, I heard Daniel on the phone talking to someone.

“I can tell there's something going on with her but I don’t know what.” I paused my movements. Crap. He could tell something was wrong. I couldn’t hear the other person on the phone but as I worried about him finding out, I blocked out the conversation until I heard him hang up. “Thanks Max, will do.” I quickly finished drying myself off and started to brush my teeth as he walked into the bathroom.

“Hey honey.” Danny said as he walked in. I spit out my toothpaste and said hi back, leaning into his touch as he hugged me. “How about we order in and watch a movie in bed?” he asked, looking down at me. I bit my lip, contemplating as I still have a lot of work to do. It seemed as if he could read my mind when he said that I should take a break from work so I agreed, to avoid suspicion. He seemed surprised by my lack of resistance and smiled before walking out to grab me my pyjamas. I said a quick thank you and moisturised before changing.

“What do you say about Italian?” Daniel asked, looking at his phone for places.

“Sure.” I responded, not feeling that hungry but wanting to make Danny happy. He looked up as I walked in but quickly shifted and moved the covers back to allow me to get in. I curled into his side as he wrapped his arm around me, grabbing the TV remote and choosing one of our favourite movies.

When I woke up the next day, Daniel was gone but he had left a message saying he was at the track and looked forward to seeing me there. After getting ready I decided to use the time I had left to do more work. The test was later in the day, my teacher was letting me do it online, and we would be getting results back the next day. I knew I had gotten distracted when I got a call from Max asking where I was. “Shit I got distracted, I’m on my way now.” I said as I grabbed my bag, pulling on my shoes and running down to my car.

As I pulled into a parking space and walked quickly towards the red bull paddock, I was surrounded by reporters and photographers asking questions and taking pictures. It was all overwhelming but I ignored them and continued to walk quickly into the paddock. When I reached the building, Daniel greeted me, hugging me tight before pulling away and scanning me to make sure I wasn’t hurt. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yep, just a little overwhelmed from reporters and all them.” He sighed and hugged me again before allowing me to find somewhere to sit to watch as the saturday practice session started. I spent most of the time revising and doing work so that I was prepared for my test.

When it ended, I quickly put away my laptop as to not alert Danny or Max. Daniel ran over to me, hugging me as it had gone well today. I hugged him back with a smile as he planted a kiss on the top of my head. “We’ll go home soon yeah?” he said and I nodded before he walked away.

The first thing I did when I woke up the next day was check for my exam results. They hadn’t been uploaded yet. Due to the fact that I had woken up earlier than usual, Danny was awake but still in bed. He took my phone from me gently and made me lie back down, pulling my body into his. “You did amazing okay? Let’s get something to eat and go to the paddock yeah?” I sighed and nodded, laying there for a couple more minutes before we both had to get up. We got ready and went to a small café for breakfast. I managed to eat the small amount I had ordered, Daniel asking if I was still hungry but I just shook my head no.

As we made our way into the paddock, Danny had a tight grip on my hand, reassuring me as he knew how the reporters and photographers that frequented made me anxious. The race went well for him and Max and after debrief I waited in his drivers room as he showered and changed. I wanted to check my exam results but Daniel, Max and Charles had forced me to promise that I wouldn’t. We met up with Max and Charles as we walked out, agreeing to go to dinner with them later.

When we got back to the hotel room, I could finally check my results. Daniel was in the bathroom when I checked them.

30%.

I couldn’t understand how I did so badly. I spent weeks revising non-stop, not eating or sleeping to make sure I covered everything. Which I did. I was so engulfed in my thoughts that I didn’t realise that Daniel had walked out and seen me panicking. He quickly rushed over, taking the phone from my hands before pulling me into a hug and sending a message to Charles, Lando and Max. He held me as I cried, comforting me. About five minutes later, Charles, Max and Lando showed up at the door, letting themselves in with the key Danny had given them.

I had calmed down enough by then to show them my results and they sat down, looking at my phone, giving me sympathetic looks. They asked if I wanted to talk about it but I just shook my head. I laid down on top of Danny as we all watched a show until Max paused it. I looked over, confused as he sat up.

“We need to talk about what’s been going on.” Everyone else sat up as they looked at me. I just looked down at my lap. “Y/n. You’ve stressed yourself out so much with this exam that you haven’t been eating or sleeping enough.” I continued to just look down until Daniel gently grabbed my chin to look at them. Lando then spoke up, “We’ve been talking and we know now that you’re going to have to retake the test and we think that you should be monitored for now. Not in a hypervigilant way…”

“But we want you to either eat with us or tell us what you’ve eaten and we know that Daniel will know if you’ve slept enough.” Charles finished.

“You also shouldn’t be doing more than a couple hours of revision a day okay?” Daniel said and I just nodded quietly. “I love you.” Danny said, planting a soft kiss on my lips.

“I love you too.” I responded as we laid back down again.

[yandere-yearnings]

Waiittt Dar appreciation timeee

so it turns out I’m a suuuper shy reader, I don’t really interact with people because I’m honestly the worst at getting things out and overcoming my shyness, like I mean I type something out and if I make a single typo I’m already contemplating whether or not to delete my whole account 😩

but your blog and you overall radiate such nice vibes!! You are an amazing amazing sweet person, I get super happy whenever I get a notification and I’m being real but I RUN to my phone to see your post, I have no shame in admitting I read your posts over and over again because I love YOU and YOUR work so freaking much, I’m literally kicking my legs while writing this, in my humble opinion you deserve everything positive coming your way, it makes me feel sad seeing YOU sad, you are such a pretty pretty beautiful breathtaking person, I along with many many others appreciate you, so never doubt your abilities, because if you were as bad as you think you are there wouldn’t be so many people loving on you and reading your work,

thank you dar for being so kind and giving to us, I love youuu 🫶🏼🫶🏼

I'M ACTUALLY CRYING?? 😭😭😭 this is literally the sweetest thing and i think it's just taken away all the heaviness in my heart, i genuinely am on the verge of tears like,, i can't thank you enough for this, really.

you're so valid, i totally get where you're coming from!! granted, i don't read a lot bc i'm dyslexic, but that feeling of a single typo making you rethink everything is so familiar to me, i get it completely😩💔 i'm a really introverted person, so it takes a lot out of me to interact with others and while it isn't the exact same as being shy, i think i can understand how difficult it probably is for you and it just means so much to me that despite that, i'm still privileged to the sweetest asks from you. they always, always make my day and i'm so grateful that you feel comfy enough to share your thoughts with me, thank you so much🥺💕

i'm so happy to hear you get good vibes from me and my blog?? literally you've got me blushing rn, the fact that you even have notifs on for me to begin w/ is so flattering, i'm so flattered😭 it's the same for me bc whenever your user pops up i open tumblr so fast, you're always making me smile🥺🩷 a moment of honesty from me but i really hate my writing so i don't have a habit of rereading my posts, the fact that they're decent enough that you come back to them just gives me so many positive emotions i wouldn't be able to describe😩💕 i love you too, i feel like i don't say it enough but i appreciate you sm❗️❗️and you're absolutely adorable, thank you for saying that😭 i'm kicking my feet right alongside you, wishing you always, always stay happy and that everything good in this world comes to you���

after all this, i don't think i can be sad anymore, honestly. haven't felt this way in so long and i really owe it to you, so pls don't be sad bc that's the last thing i'd want🥺 thank you for your sweet words, when i say that i could describe you in exactly the same way, i really mean it. a beautiful person w/ a beautiful heart and i feel so insanely lucky to be able to be around for it all🤧 i appreciate you and everyone else as well, i wouldn't be doing this had it not been for all the kindness and compassion you've all been showing me, it truly is everything😌💕

thank you for being even kinder and for taking the time out of your day to send me this, i really suck at expressing myself so you'll never know, but it's really done so much for me🥺🩷 thank you for always receiving so kindly, and know i love you even more❤️

[growandrecover]

hey… this is kinda weird cuz iam not used to writing a stranger and telling them about stuff that feels so personal as an 3d but I need help in some way. So my story: I started restricting a couple years ago, it went downhill pretty fast and I was hospitalised soon. I then spend almost a year recovering in clinics. I got back home, everything went quite well (just some up and downs but nothing serious) until about a month ago… I am starting to feel worse again. Following triggering accounts (it seems like an addiction), foodnoise, guilt… u name it. There is still this spark of hope and this part of me that wants recovery but I feel like I suck at both, the 3d and recovery… thank u for listening

Hi, anon. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there too.

I know the feeling of wanting to engage in ed behavior but also being miserable and wanting to escape it. I know you're not going to want to do this, but from an outsider's perspective, I think you need to tell someone. Based on the fact that you've been hospitalized (sounds like at least once?), I'm assuming you have a therapist or help of some kind? Or at least still have their contact information? If so, I would strongly advise you to reach out to them. If you're still in contact, and see them on a regular basis, they need to be made aware of this asap.

I know, I know. You don't want to give up the ed, the rules, the "body", or whatever it may be. Been there, done that. But as someone who has done this NUMEROUS times, I'm going to tell you what I wish someone would have told me: You might be scared, and that's okay. You want to keep the ed and the body you think/know it'll give you. That's valid. But you also want to be free of it. That's valid too. But as we both know, the ed only ever hurts us. I know it feels good in a roundabout way, and you may feel like you're in control, but you're not.

If you're unable to seek professional help, I'd unfollow those accounts. There really is something sickly satisfying about them, and I think that's part of what draws us in. But if you can just get them out of your feed, that could help with the thoughts. When I feel like I'm on the verge of a relapse, I have this one model I always look to for a trigger, and I go and search for her pictures. But getting her photos out of my phone completely (even on Pinterest, Tumblr, TikTok, Youtube, all of it) always helps get my mind out of that space. Seeing it just makes it worse.

I know that Tumblr is the home of ed content, and Twitter is getting there too. If you have to, delete the app off your phone. Just get rid of the temptation.

If you need accounts to scroll through, try looking through recovery accounts. You may not be able to follow their advice right now, but at least seeing that mindset could be beneficial.

I apologize that this is so short, but I think the most beneficial thing for you would be to get professional help if you can. I'd hate for you to relapse. (I'm not shaming you if you do!! I'm just saying that I know that feeling, and I hate that other people feel it as well)

If you need someone to talk to, I'm always here for you, anon. You can do this <3

[the-always-enjoying-wali-ladki]

Today, I opened the notes app after a long time. And saw these poems/short essays written from a time when I was at my lowest.

At that time, everything just felt dark, even though it wasn't. The feelings were valid but not all. I was trapped in such a labyrinth that I couldn't get out, and was just getting more lost.

Looking back at that, and looking at myself now, I feel proud of myself. It took me almost 2 years, and yes I was on the verge of falling back again in February this year but I didn't.

To everyone who is suffering at this time anywhere, you can get out of this even without any help. God built you, and no matter if anyone loves you or not, if anyone finds you beautiful or not, if anyone finds you worthy or not, just know that you are the only one to validate you.

With me it was like I kept rejecting myself, and so I kept on finding someone who will validate me. No, you validate yourself.

Any thought which strikes you, don't let it take over just like that. It's a tough task to let go of bad thoughts.

But understand that it is a cycle. Once you cry, you cry again. Once you let the thought in, the thought comes back again. Understand that it's a tendency to resonate. The human brain, it's destined path is to be happy. It's goal is happiness.

If you want to cry, don't. Walk around, move your hands and legs, wash your face.

You. Are. Strong.

You. Are. Made. To. Be. Happy.

And I'm not at all writing this to gain any fandom. Listen, the one reading this, just know, I may not know you, but I have an idea what you are going through. I went through that cycle.

My life maybe vastly different from yours. My thoughts may have been vastly different from yours, but this cycle, it's all the same for everyone.

This was all that worked for me. Your way of getting out of this can be very different.

Once again, if you want to self harm, do anything but that. If you want to cry, don't. If your Pinterest feed, twitter feed, any social media is filled with self harm, blood, negativity, don't delete it but search for things like, flowers, sunshine, just look at anything but negativity. Don't feed yourself negativity. Fill your social media with positivity. Stop comparing yourself. If you want to draw, use every color you can, yellow red green blue violet indigo gold silver peacock blue sage green pink orange anything. Make yourself busy but don't cry. Wash your face. Start caring for yourself. If you read a lot of depressing books, which I also did, just don't. Start reading romance with happy endings. Start reading simple happy things. Start watching ghibli movies. Make your phone's wallpaper a bit brighter. If you got to buy clothes, buy the brighter colors. It's the subtle things which will make a grand change.

Even while reading this, you are having those thoughts aren't you? "What is she even saying, being happy isn't that easy" "she is just once of those again who pretend they care" " yet another person who does not care at all" , shrug these thoughts off. That's what I am saying. Literally just shut those off. Being happy is easy, it just looks tough.

But please try. It's a beautiful feeling of being happy. Please try to get out of this because once you try, no one can stop you from being happy. Literally saying, there are a lot of positive people out there.

Once you start the cycle of positivity and happiness, it resonates.

No matter if you house looks bad, no matter if you are poor, no matter if your classmates are having a better life, no matter if your birthdays aren't celebrated grandly. You still can be happy. If you friends judge you, let go of them. They are the negatives, you don't want any negatives in your life. If you don't have any friends, no matter, you can still be happy.

But once you try, and even if you fail, try again and keep trying, it will feel tiring it will take all your energy, still eat more get more energy, and try again. And you will gradually start having subtle changes. Everything around you will become a bit more brighter everyday.

It's about trying, that's all. Please, don't let evil and negatives win. Please try, for god's sake, for your own sake. Please try.

For that happiness, for defeating the negative, for that brightness, for yourself, because your were born for this, for all of it, please try.

[vvn-dx]

I worked 12/3 - 12/5. 3 nights in a row. Had plans to go to Genevieve’s winter orchestra with Barbara on 12/6. You flaked on me. But I still came by your house that night to drop off a care package of goodies. That’s when you got mad at me. You talked about your mom for 20 mins and asked me why I wasn’t saying much. “I just don’t like her. What am I supposed to say?” You didn’t like that. We argued. I left that night.

And we haven’t spoken since.

Today is 12/16/23. It’s been 10 days since I’d last spoken to you. And I’d spent less than an hour with you the past 14 days. And you’ll continue this until the end of time. I have no doubt about that.

Last time we didn’t talk to each other for a week, you got mad at me saying that it’s unacceptable. But I was the one who reached out to fix it. For the last 2-3 times. It was never YOU who tried. Then I told you if it happened again, I won’t be the one to talk to you first. And you said you weren’t going to be the one to do it either, until you changed your mind and said you will put in the effort after I said it wasn’t fair.

Our relationship has been strained this entire year. You haven’t had a job ever since I met you and we’re stagnant. At this rate, I won’t be able to have kids or even get married. Every sign tells me to break up with you.

I’m typing this at work. It’s 3 am. I’m currently working 4 nights in a row, while you’re at a frat party, at 30 years old, with someone you used to date. If that doesn’t sum up our 4 year relationship, I don’t know what does.

I’m on the verge of having a break down at work, thinking about you. I’ve had terrible insomnia the last month now. I haven’t been able to get more than 5 hours of sleep per day. I’ve had to take Benadryl every night to get more than that. And I’ve only just now realized today how depressed I’ve been. I’ve even contemplated suicide a few times the past 2 weeks.

I haven’t felt social at all, despite how much I’m trying to force myself to be.

I can’t stop crying at work now.

I wish I never met you.

The fact that I can be so depressed while you’re partying with Asian girls is the most typical reason I had already predicted when I first met you.

I want to delete everything I ever had relating to you on all of my social media. I want to delete all of my pictures of you off my phone.

My assumption of you cheating on me - I have no doubts.

[schrijverr]

🛒⛔

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

I love writing the emotion of bittersweetness in my fics, idk, but there is something about joy with an undertint of sadness that makes me want to go feral. It's just so so good <333

I also adore writing queer joy and just queer lives, which are often tinted with bittersweet emotions (there is a connection there), since I just love being queer and love seeing other queer people. It's just nice to write about the future I am aiming to have, full of laughter and domestic life, but also very very queer and not conforming to what people want. And I live through my fiction.

On a different note, I also have a company I made up (Lemmin Inc.) that I use when a story allows it or needs it, because I think it's funny. This company is either highly shady or on the verge of collapse, since I came up with it because it's sounds like lemons and when life gives you lemons...

⛔ Do you have a fic you started, but scrapped?

I don't know if WIPs count, but I have too many of those, rip. I only start posting a fic if I have finished it completely (A Collection of Queer Photography by Jonathan Byers is an outlier in this regard), because I am terrible at finishing them and if I started posting them and then didn't finish them, I would be crushed by the knowledge that people got invested in them before I abandoned them. Now I can just leave the behind in oblivion. At this point it has got to be over 500.000 words at least that have gone unposted lol, I think it's at least 30 WIPs.

I also have a list on my phone of ideas that I always forget about and a chat with myself that I send ideas too. A lot of those get lost or I'm just not into them anymore, so I delete them. ((if anyone is interested, I can post the list and we can all anguish about everything I'll likely never write, or they can be adopted by people lol)). This is such an expose lmao, but that is my own fault ngl xp

.

Thank you so much for sendingt this ask, it was very fun to think about :D <33

[leviiattacks]

CASHIER LEVI AND LIKE THE READER IS THE CUSTOMER AND IT’S LIKE THEY HAVE A CRUSH ON EACHTOHER

author note :: honestly not my best at all..... like at all..... this was actually pretty good but the entire draft got deleted and i just lost all my effort but i felt bad for starting it and not completing it for anon so you may take whatever i have managed to salvage. i hope u enjoy it :’( i am extremely sick rn and yeah writing is the only break i am currently getting from anything :-) SO AGAIN I’ M SORRY ANON..... i may write a 10k + word fic on this though so i can redeem myself bc this is just disappointing 😭

word count :: 3.3k

every single thursday you stop by ackermart. maybe it’s because the day is convenient for you or perhaps it’s because of a certain cashier that works the evenings...

HAHA it’s got nothing to do with a cashier why would it have anything to do with a cashier? :-)

today is like any other. you walk through the fresh produce aisle then proceed to make your way towards the bakery section picking up a loaf of bread

it’s stupid, you know it is but... you think you’ve worked up enough courage to speak to him today!!

and who is him you may ask?

levi at till number four. his tired eyes always happen to pierce into yours and his calloused thumbs brush past your skin when you hand him your rewards card

levi is what his bright red name tag says and although he doesn’t look like a levi you’d like to think your crush isn’t stealing someone’s identity so you believe that it’s his real name

anxiously fiddling with your basket you’re beginning to think this was a horrible idea

the girl ahead of you is flirting up a storm with him and although he’s not reciprocating it by any means you still feel deterred

levi bags the last of her groceries and looks up at her when she asks for a way to contact him. he doesn’t look mad... just bored?

“ma’am. this is an ackermart i don’t think it’s appropriate you ask me for my number. the customer service line is listed on our website.”

the woman raises a brow looking completely flabbergasted. okay, if everything before this wasn’t a warning THIS sure was

she stomps off when she realises levi isn’t kidding and you think you’d feel bad for her maybe if she was more respectful about it

“next customer.” levi calls over his shoulder and you shuffle forward pretending to be engrossed in your phone

“cash or card?” he asks plainly.

you hear the BEEP of your groceries being scanned and think on it for a while before replying with “cash”

you’re clearly pretty good at your pretend to be totally into your phone act because levi tries to get your attention but you don’t hear what he has to say till the third time he repeats himself

but even then you’re still unsure what it is he’s said????

looking down you see his hand is stuck out in front of you and now you’re even more confused

faltering for a second you look at his palm and then speak

“um, i guess your hand is nice? it’s pretty big compared to the rest of you actually.”

“i was asking for your cash?” he says and now you look at his palms in mortification

gasping you yANK your hand into your purse as you laugh awkwardly fishing around to find your money

“oh, OH i knew that. just kidding!! i mean- i meant that thing about your hand?? but i thought it was- i funny? yes the joke funny? i’m-”

he leans back into his spinning chair and sighs contently. “you’re not making much sense peaches.”

“pe- peaches??” you repeat. no way you’ve heard that correct

levi lazily points at the abundance of the aforementioned fruit in your grocery bags

“you must love em.”

“i, well yeah i do like peaches but i also like...” um??? what food would make you look sophisticated and professional?

OH YEAH

“FRENCH CUISINE :-)!!!!” you say rather proudly

“...cool. i guess.” levi hands you your grocery bag which is basically an invitation asking for you to get out

he doesn’t seem mad but he’s definitely going to look back at this encounter and laugh his ass off at how stupid you are

hanging your head down low in embarrassment you make your way out towards your car

there’s always next time!! maybe you can practice in the mirror yeah that does sound like it would help!!!

okay so.

it is officially next time.

actually you never got the opportunity to practice in front of the mirror because you chickened out of looking like an idiot even if it was in the privacy of your own home

but!!! you did try to practice some cool pick up lines because who doesn’t like a good pickup line or two??

the two mini milk cartons in your hand and the pack of doughnuts you have tucked under your arm aren’t too heavy so you aren’t too worried about having to wait in the line

for some reason the guy in front of you keeps turning around and glancing at you as if you don’t even exist

you are not casper the ghost

also casper is a little boy and you definitely aren’t a little boy

finally after a good five minutes the man ahead of you is having his stuff scanned but he’s STILL doing it. even levi notices and gives him an odd look which borders annoyance and anger.

“can i pay for your groceries? maybe walk you to your car?” the stranger asks suddenly

so that’s what this is, he’s simply taken an interest in you

my god this is new but it is uncomfortable and you’d rather say no

“oh, i actually walked here and no thanks i can pay for my own. enjoy the rest of your day!!” you hope your white lie is enough to fool the man but instead of agreeing as any other person would he looks majorly deceived

“i saw you in the parking lot.” ok this is getting a bit too uncomfortable for your liking

“c’mon i’m offering to buy your shit too?”

his voice is raising and you’re not sure what exactly you can do but thankfully for you the manager steps in and takes him away before any more threats can be made

the man had taken up so much of your attention you almost forgot levi was even there until you turned back around

“do you want a member of staff to accompany you to your car? it’s getting dark out.” levi’s comment helps ease your nerves and you try to laugh off what just happened

“i’m good :-)” you say shaking a little. you’re unsure if it’s the cold or the fact you still haven’t completely calmed down

“you sure peaches?”

“i haven’t bought any peaches this time.”

“you’re still peaches to me.” your cheeks flush at his confidence

wait, maybe this is your chance. you’re the last person in his line and they’re closing up for the day so...

“could you walk me to my car?”

and to your surprise even before you can take back what you’ve said levi agrees

it stays like that for a while.

every thursday levi walks you to your car by the end of his shift, all the while the two of you exchange a few words together

like last week you asked him what his favourite colour was (he said purple) you’ve learnt about his hobbies (he’s a decent cook), you’ve even found out about some of his own personal problems. he had mentioned suffering with insomnia in passing.

to be honest each and every time he walks you to your car he has to notice that you begin to park further and further away from the front entrance. but if he does notice he doesn’t say a word about it

“is that all you’re checking out?” you ask with a cheeky grin plastered across your face

looking down at your new dress your lopsided grin is far from fading away any time soon. you especially picked this one out after asking levi what his favourite colour was last week

god. this is so embarrassing but never actually have you had a crush this huge

levi who’s sat behind the counter shoots you a look which almost seems to be on the verge of uninterested. he isn’t entertaining this at all or this is just his typical bored face, you can’t really tell

BUT..... you still have a huge crush on him and you aren’t one to give up this easily

for the record you don’t harass him or anything, just the occasional hint is thrown around but he’s either really dense or doesn’t care

his expression does you no favours, you can’t tell what he’s thinking half the time

“you’re always buying energy drinks... might want to cut down on those they’re no good for you.”

warmth blooms in your chest. he’s just saying it to make small talk but the fact he even thinks to bring that up has your heart fluttering

“i- well- yeah i will!! just have a few overdue essays to get over with :-)” twiddling your thumbs together you think that makes your nerves too obvious so you begin to scratch at the back of your neck

if anything is a dead give away it’s your constant neck scratching, thankfully levi hasn’t picked up on it

“so you wore purple today?” his eyes linger on the thin straps of your dress and you feel the goosebumps rise up onto your skin immediately

“oh yeahhhh-”

“did i tell you yellow was my favourite colour last week?” he asks holding up a neon yellow pack of crisps and for the first time you see him smile

he looks so ?!|>\€|^ pretty ?!/)/&

wait?? yellow??

“didn’t you say purple?”

“no?” he crosses his arms playfully over his chest thinking for a bit

“maybe i did but no it’s really yellow.” he says as he hands you your bag

nodding your head you smile “yeahhhh sure it is.”

damn, now you’re going to have to find a yellow dress just to make him revert back to purple because who even likes yellow?? that’s a deal breaker right there??

update

it’s been two weeks!!

and a yellow dress has been found and secured B-)

it’s been a pretty rough day at work and you need to desperately collect a pack of green tea and get going

you don’t know when exactly being a secretary meant you had to babysit your boss’ children but that’s what the last week has entailed

being made to work overtime to this extent has had an effect on you and you’re ready to head home as soon as you swing by ackermart

not seeing levi for a week made you a little :-( because to be honest he’s the highlight of your thursday evening BUT!! you’ll be able to see him today at least

walking in through the entrance you’re met with connie smiling right at you, he holds the door open for you and smile back greeting him

“so you didn’t come last week...?”

it’s weird for him to ask that, after all you don’t really speak to anyone here apart from levi, you’re surprised you’re enough of a regular to be known by name

“oh i didn’t think anyone would notice? but yeah i had to work overtime you know what boss’ are like.” groaning you crouch down and look at the pot noodles on display

“i didn’t notice it. boss man did.”

“boss man?” you ask feeling out of loop

“levi.” connie answers as he hops into the backroom

????

isn’t he just a cashier??

“you still look confused.” connie remarks as he heads back out with a cardboard box full of pringle’s tubes

“levi’s the boss man, this is his store. he literally only ever mans the cash register on thursday evening because of you.”

at that you start laughing because it makes no sense at all to you

there’s no way connie is being serious

“good one.” you say as you stand up with a chicken flavored noodle in your hand

“i’m not kidding?”

turning around you give him a skeptical look

he sighs and shakes his head.

“listen. me and the part timers are tired of making bets on when he’ll give you his number and i bet that it would happen today so if you could confess to each other that would be perfect!!!”

“who said i like-”

“anyone with a brain can tell you both like each other.” he’s rolled his eyes so far into the back of his head you begin to take him a little more seriously now

“i... did i make it that obvious??” you’re directly facing him trying to get out as much information as you can

“yeah. very. at least levi wasn’t as bold.”

“i think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick he definitely doesn’t like me.”

connie gives you an “are you fucking with me?” look and you look away trying to distract yourself with the the canned goods lining the shelves

“he was worried sick when you didn’t come in for the entire week. he even asked me if he scared you away.”

“maybe i’m just his favourite customer?”

“favourite customer my ass he has a crush on YOU. confess.”

playing around with the ends of your sleeves connie sees he’s fighting a losing battle unless he gives you definitive solid proof

“please... i’ll get free barbecue if i win the bet and i’m kinda broke rn :-(” okay, you do want connie to eat well and be treated and maybe this is a good thing. if levi doesn’t like you then you can move on!!

“i’ll think about it.”

before connie can continue talking you make a beeline towards the tea aisle whilst throwing a “see you next time!” over your shoulder.

by the time you’ve gathered all of your groceries your basket is full to the brim. you’ve been lingering as much as you can out of fear but you think you’ve collected just enough courage to ask for his number

looking at the cash register levi is sat there and your shoulders slump. he’s probably going to say no and you’re going to look like a huge loser.

right as you’re about to take a step towards him levi finally spots you and gives you one look before standing up from his seat

“hi!” you wave at him

“...hey!” he smiles wide but he bites it back pretending it was never there in the first place

placing your basket in front of him he eyes what you’ve got

“hm... lots of peaches as per usual peaches.” the nickname that rolls of his tongue makes you tremble a little. will he call you that after you fuck everything up with this stupid confession?

his tongue pokes at the inside of his cheek when he gets to the heart shaped box of chocolates

“a gift for a friend? didn’t know you had those?” he teases as he scans the barcode

“gift for a crush!” you reply back enthusiastically as you dig through your wallet looking for your card

levi doesn’t respond for a few seconds and an awkward silence fills the air. you glance up to see him looking at you open mouthed in shock

“good luck.” he murmurs under his breath he’s not even returning your gaze at this point and is hurriedly scanning through your barcodes

“you okay?” you ask worrying about his mood

“yeah, yeah. great.” he’s quieter than usual.

the rest of your encounter is the same, levi silently bags your groceries and you can’t tell if this is a good or bad response.

just as he’s about to place the heart shaped box into your plastic bag you lunge forward holding his wrist to stop him

“no i don’t need those.”

he cocks his eyebrow upwards trying to analyse your expression and gain an understanding of your thoughts

“don’t tell me you’re chickening out. whoever it is will say yes.” he scoffs as he places the chocolates into the bag handing them over to you with a warm smile

there it is again. the fear returns and you swipe your tongue over your slightly dry lips.

no way.

is he telling you to confess to someone now? so he must not like you?

taking the bag away from him you scratch your neck out of habit and huff feeling frustrated

“he keeps giving me mixed signals.” you say hoping he catches your drift

“give him the chocolates and let him put two and two together. don’t even say anything.” his advice would be great if he weren’t the guy you were trying to confess to in real time

nodding you reach into the bag and bring the box back out before gently placing it in front of levi

“are you serious?” he asks and your face drops seeing the possible displeasure in his eyes

great, connie and the part timers just over analysed he doesn’t like you, obviously he doesn’t like you, why would he like you?

without looking back you hurry out, the embarrassment is eating you away now and the thought of ever returning to ackermart isn’t even feasible in your mind

at this point you may as well change your name, identity, dye your hair, have a few children and wear sunglasses the next time you come back so you look like a soccer mum and not the foolish y/n who thought they had a chance with their cute CASHIER???

god, you probably look like a creep

the sound of footsteps can be heard behind you and labored breaths follow before levi calls out for you

“please wait up.” he grumbles. slowing down your pace you let him catch up to you. he grabs at your wrist and sighs in relief

turning you see him savour the air

is this the part where he confesses he likes you too or—

“your receipt you forgot it.” he gasps as he opens your hand for you and places it into your palm

oh.

fingers clasping shut onto the paper you feel the humiliation seep into your pores

this.

is.

the.

worst.

moment.

of.

your.

life.

“open it.” he offer you a boyish smile and your nerves don’t let you find comfort in it

you grimace as you fold it open, you’re imagining he’s charged you an extra £100 for having unwanted feelings for him and if that’s the case you’ll die on the spot

but instead your eyes light up in joy. you’re pleasantly surprised

...

inside of the receipt is his phone number haphazardly sprawled across in black biro - you even double check by comparing it to the number for the customer service helpline

hello??

HELLO.?.!/)£ HIS NUMBER???

“if you just wanted to return the chocolate this is embarrassing.” he’s the one who’s now scratching at his neck and you find that he’s endearing this way

the streetlight from above illuminates him, the shadows cast over his face and his brows aren’t furrowed as they usually are

you open your mouth to reply but connie cuts you off unintentionally. he can be heard YELLING into his phone ecstatic that his plan has worked out

“I WIN!!! HA BBQ’S ON YOU JEAN!! MUST SUCK TO BE YOU.”

you and levi look at each other and laugh, reassuring the other of what has just happened.

well...

you guess this is the start of something new? maybe??

:-)

[in-the-name-of-styles]

Need You.

Author’s Note: Hello! After answering tons and tons of asks, and explaining how Tumblr had deleted the second part “Please Stay” to my one shot named “Only If” for god knows what reasons. I had to do this for you guys. I stopped writing years ago, and but kept my masterlist open for you to come and read my writings whenever you wish to. Trust me, this was so effing difficult for me to do! but I’m kind of proud that I removed the time and managed it. but let me inform you it’s not the same, because I do not remember what happened in the original one clearly. I hope this is a better and hopefully more well-written (amongst my other writings *cringe*) version of the old one.

It’s not proof read. I haven't edited it, so I’m sorry in advance for the typos. 

So, guys, gals and non-binary pals, I present to you (apology for it being light years late) the part two to your favourite little creation of mine “Only If”, with a new identity... please welcome “Need You”!

Do let me know how it makes you feel in the ask box or comment section. I love reading them. Happy Reading!

Word Count: 5K

Warnings: tons of angst with tons of fluff, sensitive harry???? (or do you guys call it sub!harry nowadays??) anyways it’s a cute!harry :P !

.

It’s been four hours, and you still weren’t back. Though it wasn’t new for you to go for a drive after an argument with him, you often came back within an hour or two. The blizzard outside was making Harry quite anxious. Even though the fight was extreme, he wanted you back safe and sound. He now realised how harsh he was on you. You didn’t intentionally leak the song. It was a mistake and it could happen to anyone, himself included. He felt guilty over the way he yelled at you; it wasn’t like him to react like that.

Suddenly, Harry felt the need to do something special for you. Though he planned on apologising to you verbally, he wanted his actions to prove it too. He made his way to the kitchen to cook you your favourite meal. He got a hold of his phone and switched on the playlist which include all the songs both of you enjoyed. the sound of the vessels clucking against each other minimised over the song playing on through the speakers.

A smile lit up on his face as he reminisced back to the moment when you were dancing to this song while making the two of you breakfast.

FLASHBACK

Harry rubbed his eyes as he walked down the stairs, his dimpled smile already making its appearance when he heard your voice blasting through the kitchen entrance. He didn’t know why you bothered turning the song on so loud, you were anyways going to be louder. He stopped at the kitchen entrance, a silent laugh escaped him as he leaned against the door frame and took in the scene going on in front of him.

“You say you want a good time! Well here I am, baby, here I am, baby” you belted out loud, cheeks turning red with the happiness radiating out of you. You’d decided that the whisk was your microphone of choice with batter stuck to it and everything. You’re moving those luscious hips which drive him crazy right to the rhythm of the song.

“Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me talk to me, tell me what's on your mind!” you missed a note but you don’t care. This scene right in front of him, he wished he could capture and watch it forever. Bruno Mars did bring a wild side out of you, and he couldn’t bring himself to be jealous of the multi-talented singer. He would give anything to see you like this. Knowing you’re the shy type who doesn’t enjoy too much of attention, getting to watch you like this was definitely a sight.

He walked right up to you and wrapped his arms around you slowly. You jumped in a scare, as you were lost in your own world. “Harry! You scared me.” You complained, trying to ignore the blush on you cheeks after you realised he must’ve been watching you from a far.

He nuzzled into your neck and sighed, while pressing a kiss there, “Hmm… I’m sorry, m’love. But you just looked so beautiful I didn’t want to stop you.” He murmured while pressing more kisses to your neck, then trailing them up to your jawline. “Y’ look utterly ravishing right now. Forget pancakes, instead I’ll have you for breakfast.” He smiled and went on to kiss your cheeks. His comments made you smile. He saw his chance and lightly bite the side of your cheek. You squealed and tried to push him away.

“H, stop!” you laughed. He tightened his arms around you and swayed to the beat of the song then went on to sing next lyric “Tell me baby, tell me, tell me baby what you tryna do!” he slightly lifted up your t-shirt and moved one of his hands under it, and muttered, “huh? What are you trying to do to me, baby?” and pressed yet another kiss to your cheek.

“Gosh, your hands are extremely cold!” you gasped. He then turned you around to face him. You instinctively wrapped your arms around him. The two of you smiled quietly towards each other, then he leaned down to kiss you properly. You shifted one of your hands into his the nape of his neck and the other went on to cup his cheek. He moved one of his around your shoulder and the other around your waist. Both of you sighed and bathed in each other’s presence.

“G’morning, froggy” you teased as pulled away first and smiled up at him. He frowned and tutted, then smacked your ass lightly. You always teased him for his morning face, said it looked like a cute frog. He rubbed the area he spanked and quickly pecked you once again before pulling away to look at you.

Brushing away the hair stuck to your face, “Morning, precious. How’re you feeling?” he asked, hugging you towards his chest. Let’s just say the rest of the day went on just like this. Him being needy for your attention, and you loving on him without any hold backs.

END OF FLASHBACK

Right as he was getting ready to plate the dish, the doorbell rang. He smiled, happy to finally have you home. He quickly washed his hands and walked up to the door as he rubbed his hand dry with the towel which was once on his shoulder. He buzzed you in thinking you’ll unlock the main door with the security code. But after two minutes of waiting and not seeing you walk through the door, he turned on the camera above his buzzer to see what was wrong.

He frowned when he saw two police officers standing outside his door. His heart suddenly started racing at rapid speed. He rushed towards the door and unlocked them. Coming face to face with the two sombre looking men, he tentatively asked, “G’ evening, officers. How may I help you?”

The two men exchanged looks and the tall one replied, “Sir, there has been an accident and we found an ID on the victim. Is this Ms. Y/N Y/L/N residence? we’re here to inform you about the unfortunate event.”

“I-I don’t understand? What happened?” he stuttered, his legs almost felt as if they were about to give up.

“Unfortunately, we don’t have much information for you. May we ask what’s your relation to the victim?” the other officer asked, and gave him an apologetic smile.

“Fiancé.” He cleared his throat, trying to calm himself down. He could feel his panic attack rising. “I’m her fian-” he shook his head, “Just tell me where she is please…” he pleaded and quickly put on his shoes. He took his car keys and raced up to his rover.

“She’s over at St. Thomas, Mr. Styles.” The officers had clearly recognised the distressed man. “Here’s her ID. We hope everything is well.”

Harry couldn’t bring himself to thank them as he started his car and backed out of the parking spot. He raced up to the hospital, and once he reached, he ran up to the reception.

“Y-Y/N Y/L/N? S-She just c-came in? I’m her f-fiancé?” He gasped out your name. The lady was busy tending to others to notice him. “Hey! Hey! Please ma’am just tell me where she is!” he was on the verge of weeping in front of her.

The old lady looked at him with a bit of annoyance, “Take a breath, young man. I’m trying my best here!” She walked up to him. “Now tell me, what was her name again?”

“Y/N Y/L/N!” He rushed. He couldn’t stand straight. Once he got what he wanted, he ran towards the elevator, up to the fifth floor. The corridor was busy and he couldn’t care less about pushing people aside. He just wanted to get to you as soon as he could. He found your door and barged in, not caring about the doctors around your bed.

“Y/N!” He rushed to your side, dropping beside your bed.

“Sir you can’t be her-” the male nurse tried to pull him back.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry, precious!” He cried, trying to get the man off of him and get back to you. “I’m here now, okay? I’m not going anywhere- GET OFF ME. SHE NEEDS ME!” he yelled pushing the guy away.

“Hey man you’re no good to her at the moment yeah? Let the doctors do their job!” the nurse tried to make him understand while pulling him back yet again. Tears streamed down his face as he tried to reach to you. He sobbed over your state, blood was streaming down your forehead, and all he wanted to do was protect you and wrap his arms around you.

“No I need to be here! Please let me!” he cried. All of sudden a beep brought his cries to a halt. He looked around frantically wanting to know what had happened. “W-What’s wrong?!” he hiccupped.

The doctor and the nurses around him started rushing around the room. He then heard those words which made his heart stop, “She has flat-lined! Someone pass me the defibrillator!” the  doctor raised his voice.

Harry couldn’t believe this was happening. The nurse had enough of the unwilling man and pushed him out the door, “Sir we cannot help her if you’re being difficult. Please calm down and go to the waiting room. We will inform you about her doing as soon as we can.” and then shut the door to his face. Harry could no longer see you. The group of doctors, covered your body.

He slid down the wall next to your door and sobbed into his hands. Only if he would’ve stopped you from leaving. Only if he would’ve told you that he forgives you and that he loved you more than anything. Only if he would’ve let the argument die and kiss you instead. Only if…

Later, the upset man walked himself to the toilet. He caught his reflection in the mirror. He didn’t care about his red swollen eyes, his sweaty forehead and matted hair. The image of you lying on that bed yet again brought tears to his eyes. The thought of you not making it made him retch and he rushed into one of the restrooms. He dry-heaved and cried. Once he was able to breathe, he took out his phone.

Sniffling as he dialled the only number he could think of, The voice on the other side made him breakdown. “Mum I-” he couldn’t complete his sentence, as he tried to wipe his eyes.

“Harry? Darling what’s wrong?!” she asked shocked at her son’s rapid breathing.

“Y/N s-she is- Mum I can’t lose her. I’m such an idiot. I shouldn’t have let her leave. What if she doesn’t make it?” He wept while running his sticky fingers through his hair.

“Love, what-” she tried to ask him, but he cut her off.

“What if she…What if she dies, mum?” he cried and coughed.

His mother had figured out by now that you were not okay, and might be admitted in the hospital. She tried to calm her son through the phone. Unfortunately, she wasn’t near him and by the time she would reach it might not be enough. So she did the only thing she could once Harry hung up the phone, she rang up his friends.

Harry sat himself down on one of the wating room chairs. No one was telling him anything, he had no idea how you were doing or if you were okay. He was out of tears, and soon enough the exhaustion took over him. He didn’t even realise when he had fallen asleep until he felt a hand brush the back of his head. He opened his eyes and saw his two friends crouching in front of him.

“Hey buddy…” Louis smiled softly. Harry jolted back up, and got up to run towards your room. But before he could stand up straight Mitch stopped him. “H, they just came in here to inform us about her condition.”

“How’s she? Is she okay? Is she awake? She needs me, I need to be beside her.” He rushed. His two close friends, tried to calm him down.

“They said she’s stable now, mate. But we aren’t allowed to meet her yet, okay?” Louis stated.

Harry took deep breaths and looking at their extremely destressed friend, Louis pulled him into a hug. Getting the comfort he desperately needed, Harry started sobbing again. He was tired of crying but he couldn’t bring himself to stop.

“Everything is going to be okay, Harry. She’s our little tigress, she’s going to pull through, yeah?” Mitch ran a hand drown his friend’s shoulder. Harry nodded lightly and tried to slow down his heart.

48 Hours Later

It’s been two days, yesterday Harry was allowed to visit you since they moved you out of the ICU. Thankfully, your internal recovery was rapid, and you could wake up anytime. He was getting a bit impatient. He wanted to see you open those shiny eyes and look at him the way you always did, with so much love that made him giddy and flustered. These past two days he’s been talking to you, continuously apologising for his behaviour, and how he’s going to make up for everything that went wrong. You just had to come back to him.

“and then Louis got frustrated because Mitch was not answering him. But that’s Mitch for you, right?” he slightly smiled and ran the hand which wasn’t holding you hand, through your hair. “You’re going to hate your hair, once you wake up. You always like them a certain way, don’t you? But don’t you worry, I’ll help you wash your hair as soon as you wake up and come back home.” He stated and kissed your hand. He was silent for a while, just continued to run his hand through your hair.

“You’re going to come back to me, right precious?” he asked quietly, “Why aren’t you waking up, huh? Your froggy needs you to open your eyes....” he continued, as he forced a laugh out of his throat which had a huge lump in it. His eyes turned misty as he continued, “I hate it here. Seeing you like this is a nightmare. I miss you so much. I miss you calling me annoying little names. I miss you smacking me when I’m being a narcissistic little prick. I miss your voice. I miss everything about you, and even though it’s just been two day, I feel like it’s been forever. Wake up, baby. Please…” he pleaded.

As the day turned into night, Harry decided to stay back. He asked for an extra blanket and a pillow for his makeshift bed on the couch. He didn’t know why he bothered because he spent the entire night sitting beside you, holding your hand as he fell asleep leaning against it.

You could listen before you could see. The only thing you could hear was the air conditioner and someone lightly snoring against your right hand. You tried to move your fingers as you opened your eyes. The bright light made you squint, you blinked rapidly as your vision cleared. You turned to your right and saw Harry’s peaceful face sleeping against your hand. You felt the need to clear your throat, and your eyes searched the room for a glass of water. But the sound made Harry wake up from his sleep. He lifted his face and wiped the little drool from his face and the little amount on your hand.

“whoops, you’d kill me now if you were awak-” he turned to look at your face, and he had to double take. He gasped, almost falling off this chair. “Y/N…Oh my- you’re awake!” he nearly yelled. He pressed the button to call the nurse and then cupped your face going on to press kisses to your face, “Baby I was so scared. I thought I had lost you!” He laughed his airy laugh and looked at you with utter happiness.

For some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him. The words he said to you were the only thing swimming through your mind. For you time had stood still, like the fight had happened mere hours ago. You moved your face away from his hands. Harry frowned noticing this change in your mood.

“Hey what’s wrong? The doctor is on her way, yeah. Do y’need anything?” he asked frantically following your eyes round the room. He saw you eye the plastic cup beside your bed, “Y’ want water? Hold on I’ll get it for you.” He ran to the other side and brought the cup up to your face. You didn’t realise how thirsty you were until the first sip hit your throat, you started gulping it down quickly.

“Take it easy, precious. They took out the tube just yesterday.” He explained softly.

Once your thirst was quenched he kept the cup aside then went on to pull his sleeve over his knuckles and wiped the wet corners of your mouth. You moved your face aside yet again, he couldn’t understand what was wrong. But before he could ask you, the doctor came in to check on you. She did her tests and asked a few questions. She left as soon as she was done, and told you even though the injury looked worse than it actually is, you had take it easy for a couple of days.

Neither of you spoke for a few minutes, “How’re you feeling, love?” he asked quietly. You nodded, “I’m okay.” He came up to you and raised his hand to caress your cheek. But before he could touch you, your head turned to the opposite side. He couldn’t take it anymore, so he asked you.

“Will you please look at me? What’s happened, precious?” as he caressed your hair.

“Why should I look at you, Harry? So you can tell me how careless I am, or how I’m not trustworthy?” you rasped quietly. For a minute he was unable understand what you were trying to say. Then flashbacks from your fight the other night came back rushing to him. The things he said to you, and how guilty he felt later. His words had left a huge impact than he thought they did.

He took your face in his hand with very much to little force, he had to tell you this, “Y/N y’have absolutely no idea for how sorry I am for that night-” but you didn’t let him complete.

“That’s only because I got into this accident.” You snapped. He shook his head rapidly, he saw you getting worked up over this. You’ve always been a little firecracker, and you never failed to tell him when he was being a dick or to defend yourself quite amazingly, he always loved that quality. Apropos, he couldn’t let you hurt yourself in this condition.

“First of all, please calm down-” he started, “don’t tell me to calm down, harry!” you raged. He hated himself for smiling when you’re clearly very upset. But for the past few days he had to witness you lie there lifeless which had taken a toll on his mental state. He loved the fact that you were awake, so you yelling at him was more of a reward than a punishment. You looked at him sharply and saw him not taking you seriously, this brought tears to your eyes.

You sniffled and looked away from him to rest your head against the pillows on the raised up side of your bed roughly. Harry’s small smile melted away as quickly as it appeared. He rubbed the side you almost banged to the pillow, “I’m so sorry, precious. I swear I did not mean anything I said.” He pleaded and took a seat down on the chair beside you.

Right then the nurse which pushed him out of the room the other day and now was much like a friend to him entered the room with a tray which had a bowl of soup and jello in it. Harry smiled at him gratefully and took the tray from him as the guy set up the table on your bed.

“How’re you feeling, Ms. Y/L/N?” he asked once he was ready to leave. You gave him a small smile and said you were feeling better. The moment he left Harry looked back at you with a longing look on his face, when you refused to look at him he sighed and set the tray down on the small table and took a seat in front you on the bed. He looked at you as he removed the metal spoon from its cover, and then went on to remove the cover set on top of the soup. He blew light air on the spoonful of soup, then brought it up to your mouth. You refused to touch it. He sighed and looked at you pleadingly, “Y’ know someone told me we shouldn’t remove our anger on food.” He stated, turning your words against you.

You glared at him in anger for minute as he looked at you with a loving smile. “Please?” He moved it closer to your mouth, “You’ve got to eat it, I’m not budging unless you do, Y/N.”

Even though you wanted to stay stubborn, you were kind of hungry. So you let him feed you the soup. When he got to the jello, you refused profoundly. “But it’s the chocolate flavoured one! Remember the time we used to share one when I was here for my fractured foot? C’mon we’ll share this one too, if y’want?” he tried convincing you with his soft eyes.

“I don’t want to share it with you. Actually, I don’t want anything to do with you at the moment to be completely honest.” you snapped. You were aware of the fact that you were being very unreasonable and bitchy but it was his words that has caused extreme hurt to you. Your words hurt Harry, and it was evident on his face. He wrapped up the jello and cleared everything. The day passed, and in the evening your last visitor entered the room.

“There she is!” Louis came up to you and hugged you lightly, making sure not to hurt you. “Hello, darling. How’re you?” he kissed your forehead. Harry left you alone with him as he went to get the two of them some coffee.

“What’s happened to him? Why the long face still? I mean I get that Harry loves to pretend that he’s this macho man and all. S’ a bit ridiculous to be honest. Like who’s he kidding, he’s a puppy.” Louis laughed. You smiled at this.

“I’m still a bit upset with him over our fight. So I haven’t been talking to him.” You explained. Louis frowned at this and then sighed, “Oh love don’t do that... This has been very tough for him. Should’ve seen his state these past few days. The man has been a mess ever since the officers came to your house that night.”

“I’m trying, Lou. But I just can’t forget all the things he said. I was so hurt, I still am!” you rubbed your forehead, as it was beginning to give you an ache.

“He’s very sorry, Y/N. Trust me when I say that I’ve never seen him like I saw him that day. He just wanted you to wake up. He was just blaming himself, how he shouldn’t have let you leave the house.” He took a hold of your hand, “he loves you so much, darling. He’s absolutely mad over you.” He rubbed your hand, “A’bit obsessed if you ask me. If I were you I’d have him get that checked with a therapist.” He joked, you laughed loudly. He smiled with you, and passed you the water you signalled for.

“Forgive him, Y/N. He can’t even bring himself to go home. The only time he went there was to get some clothes, and to put the dinner he made for you in the rubbish bin.” He sassed. “and I know I’m speaking for Mitch too here when I say this, but both him and I could use a break from all the non-stop stress weeping calls we’ve been getting from him.” You gasped at him with a mock offence for Harry, and lightly smacked his shoulder. You were always thankful for Louis in moments like these. He was a great friend to you and Harry.

Harry came back with two coffees and passed one to his blue-eyed friend. He took a seat on the sofa which was against the wall, and the three of you, though it was mostly you and Louis, had a light conversation while the men finished up their coffee. Louis bid his farewell with another kiss on your forehead and a well wish, you thanked him and waved goodbye. Harry walked him out the door, and came back in a second later.

“Y’ need anything?” He asked as he took a seat on the chair beside you. You shook your head as you observed him fidgeting with the cuticles of his nails. He did that when he was anxious.

Neither of you spoke for a while. But the minute you heard a sniffle, you snapped your head towards him. You tried to get a look at his face, the tip of his nose was a bit red and he was now fidgeting with his feet too. He wasn’t crying but he sure was on the verge of it.

You suddenly felt an overwhelming amount of love for the man in front of you. You leaned against your bed and sighed, smiling a little. It’s pathetic how in love you were with each other. You couldn’t even stay mad at him.

“Harry?” You whispered softly. He hummed without looking up. So you continued, “I need you to do something” you faked a stern voice to play with him a bit more.

“Yeah sure, what’s it?” he muttered as he got up and rubbed his hands down his thighs, then finally looked at you. You looked at him without an expression and said, “I need you to come here and give me a good cuddle, a kiss too if I like the cuddle.” And then smiled at him lovingly. He looked at you for a second. You almost thought he was  going to yell at you, but the opposite happened. He started tearing up and heavy tear drops ran down his cheeks.

You gasped and quickly leaned forward to take a hold of his hand which was near you. “Oh Harry..” You whispered as you pulled him near you. He the minute you sat him in front of you, he started crying heavily. You were so shocked yet you’ve never been more mesmerised by him. You quickly tried wiping his tears away and comforted him, “Honey, don’t cry. I’m not upset anymore!”

“I-I’m honestly s-sorry! I promise I didn’t mean what I said that day, Y/N!” he tried to speak while wiping his tears.

“I know, babe. I know!” you tried to say it properly but it came out in a laughing manner and tried to draw the crying man close to you, but seeing you laugh made him more upset and he pushed you away lightly, so you forcefully pulled him into a cuddle.

He told himself he’s letting himself be pulled because he didn’t want to hurt you, but it was actually because he wanted you close, so he went in head first. You lay down against the pillows and cuddle him against your chest. He went on sniffling into your neck and wrapped his arm around your waist.

“Harry why are you crying!” you tried controlling your laughter. He whined and pulled his face away, “Y’were so fucking mean since the moment you woke up. I didn’t expect it.” He said and hiccupped, thanks to the sobbing breakdown he just had. You pulled on your lips so you wouldn’t smile.

“Well now you know, honey. It hurts, doesn’t it? You were so mean to me too!” You teased. He nuzzled back into your neck, pressing kisses there which always made you giggle.

“I’m really sorry, precious. Honestly, I really am.” He said into your neck, yet producing another hiccup. You couldn’t control yourself anymore so you smiled and pressed a quite a few smooches to his temple, and inhaled his comforting scent.

“It’s okay, baby. I forgive you. I’m sorry for my foolish mistake too, I really didn’t mean to ruin your hard work like that.” You apologised. He pulled away and brought the hand that was around your waist to your cheek and said, “I forgave you a long time ago, but you honestly don’t have to apologise at all. It could happen to anyone, m’love. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. Y’know I made dinner and everything as an apology. But then the officers…” his tone dropped and he couldn’t continue. So, you sadly smiled and pulled him in for a kiss.

He sighed and reciprocated the kiss with so much love and passion that you couldn’t help but wrap the arm which around his shoulder a bit more tighter and ran the other through the back of his head gently. The two of you pulled away and looked into each other’s eyes, he moved the hair that escaped from your braid and tucked it behind your ear, “I was so scared. I thought I had lost you.” He whispered softly, and swallowed the small lump, “I missed you a lot, baby” he said and you couldn’t help but peck his cute pout.

“I missed you too, froggy” you replied. The pet name made him reward you with a dimpled smile. He nuzzled into your neck and whispered, “I love you.”

“and I love you.” You kissed his forehead.

“Just for your information, I’m not letting you out of my sight for a really long time.” He stated sternly.

You laughed but stopped when you saw he wasn’t joking, “You know I have to work, right?”

“Y’can easily take a break for a month or two.” He said, as he yawned and cuddle closer to you. “A MONTH OR TWO?! Have you gone mad?” you gasped, lightly pulling on his hair.

“No I haven’t. Try to get rid of me, baby. I dare you.” He laughed a scheming laugh. You knew he wasn’t joking. He tended to become quite paranoid and obsessive over you when situations like these occur. But you wouldn’t have him any other way.

“We’ll see, mister.” You said, and caressed the back of his head.

“oh we will, missus.”

The End.

Author’s Note: I really put in a lot of efforts on this one, so you guys kind of owe me *wink* y'all gotta humour my praise kink now!!! ;P

Love you guys! 

[charincharge]

I Don’t Want To Wait, twenty-one

rowaelin high school bff au masterlist

Based on the prompts:

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“Funny thing about that is I don’t know when the fuck I asked you.”

“Please don’t do this.”

Aelin stood on practically numb legs as the car pulled up to the frat house. The cold Terrasen winds had started up, and she was practically a block of ice when she opened the car door.

Thank gods her dad had already turned up the heat.

“Hey…” she said slowly, and Rhoe breathed out a long, steady breath before turning to his daughter.

“Are you okay?”

She nodded.

“Where’s Aedion?” he asked, looking around, and Aelin shrugged.

“With his boyfriend. I lost track of him.”

Rhoe frowned. “That boy is going to get a piece of my mind…” He sighed. “I knew this wasn’t a good idea, to let you go off to college. And if that irresponsible boy let anything happen to you, I’ll murder him myself.”

“Dad?” she asked nervously. “I’m okay. Can you just take me to my spot?”

“Aelin, it’s after midnight,” he sighed.

“Please?” she begged, “I just… please?”

She could tell her wanted to ask more, but he nodded tersely and put the car into gear. She was grateful that he let them slip into silence, but she could feel the tension with every second she remained closed-lipped.

As the car creaked to a half in front of Maeve’s, Rhoe finally broke.

“Aelin,” he said seriously. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Aelin nodded, biting her lip and looking up toward the sky out the window.

“Yeah,” she said quietly.

Rhoe cleared his throat and tugged at his hair, clearly uncomfortable in the small car so wrought with tension. He’d been silent the entire ride back to town, and Aelin was grateful for it. Her heart was heavy and any alcohol that had been muddling her brain had been replaced with a low aching throb. She really just wanted to burrito herself in her thick blankets under the stars and have a good cry where no one could hear her.

She bit her lip and a tear welled at the corner of her eye, rolling onto her cheek with a thick plop.

“Aelin,” her dad repeated calmly. “Did someone… make you do something you didn’t want to?” he asked nervously, and Aelin whipped her head toward her concerned father. His eyes were narrowed carefully, devoid of any judgment, and his breath was steady, but she could see the tension roiling beneath his large firefighters’ muscles.

“No!” she assured him. “No.” She watched as he exhaled, the anger slipping from his shoulders as she continued. “The only person who tried to make me doing something I didn’t want to was me,” she admitted. “But I managed to stop her before she did something she really regretted.”

Rhoe nodded, almost imperceptibly, his chin lowering and raising back up as the usual glimmer reappeared in his bright eyes. “Impressive you shut her up,” he said with a laugh. “She’s kind of pushy,” he whispered conspiratorially.

“Dad…” At that, Aelin finally laughed herself. And it unleashed the next round of tears, sliding down her cheeks and dripping onto Aedion’s sweatshirt.

Rhoe sighed as he brought his hand up to his face, trying to wipe the distress away from his eyes. She knew crying girls made him uncomfortable. “Please let’s go back home.” He stared at her. “It’s freezing cold.”

But Aelin waved him off. “There are heaters up there,” she reassured him. “I’ll be fine.” He looked at her dubiously, which, considering the neverending stream of tears running down her cheeks, he had every right to. “I’ll be fine!” she laughed thickly through her tears. “I just need a good, long cry where no one can hear me.” She paused and crinkled her nose. “And to text Rowan to delete his voicemail.”

Rhoe cringed. “That kind of night, huh?”

Aelin shook her head, laughing harder through her tears. “Oh my god. I should do that immediately…”

She pulled out her phone, which had remained in the hoodie pocket since she called her dad two hours ago. It beeped in her hand and faded to black. She shook it, as if that would somehow bring it back to life. But it was no use. The phone was dead.

“Motherfucker!” she shouted, earning a glare from Rhoe. “Sorry,” she sighed. “It died.”

“I’m sure Rowan’s asleep anyway,” her dad suggested. “You can text him in the morning and smooth everything over.”

Aelin looked conflicted. She was sure Rowan was asleep. It was after 2am. She’d just have to be sure to wake up extra early and make sure he knew that nothing had happened.

Rhoe raised a dark brow. “Or I could break into his house and steal his phone while he’s sleeping?”

Aelin’s heart warmed for her dad, the person she could count on for anything, as she shook her head.

“Thank you,” she said, tears starting to form again. “For everything.”

“I told you,” he said, clearing his throat uncomfortably. “Any time. Anywhere. No matter what. If you need me, I’ll come.”

Aelin leaned over the console and gave her dad a quick squeeze before assuring him that she would be home first thing in the morning.

She opened the car door and waved him goodbye, shivering as the winter winds whipped through her thin sweatshirt and chilled her to the core. She rushed to the keypad and entered the code, relishing in the stale heat that hit her as the door clicked open.

She rummaged through the dark to make her way behind the counter, wondering if there was anything leftover to fill her grumbling stomach. No wonder she’d gotten so drunk so fast, Aelin thought. She couldn’t even remember the last time she ate. Luckily, there was a piece of apple pie with her name literally on it. She knew it would have been drastically improved by heating it up, but she was too hungry to wait the extra minute. She shoved the applely goodness into her mouth quickly, finishing the whole piece in four large bites.

She hummed happily and made her way to the back staircase, climbing slowly and letting the food settle as she made her way to the roof, feeling remarkably better already. Maybe she wouldn’t need that cry after all. Maybe she’d fall right to sleep under the stars, comforted by her favorite place in the world.

But as she pushed the roof door open, she froze like a block of ice. She held her breath as two silhouettes came into focus, just barely lit by the strand of twinkle lights and reddish orange heaters on the ground.

She blinked as their voices wafted across the roof, her heart pounding with each word as she struggled to figure out what was happening.

“I’m sorry,” Rowan said, shaking his head. He sighed, taking a step towards someone else, their silhouettes merging into one giant shadow as Rowan wrapped his arms around them.

“Don’t worry about it,” Lyria’s too-sweet voice replied, cutting into Aelin like a dagger. What the hell was she doing up here?

“We’ll be fine,” Lyria replied, lifting herself onto her toes and pressing a soft kiss against Rowan’s lips, and Aelin shook her head again. Still not processing, until Rowan leaned down and struggled to straighten the blankets which were a mess on the floor. Aelin’s eyes flashed between the mess of blankets, and Rowan and Lyria, who watched him with her arms crossed, and suddenly Aelin thought she was going to be sick.

Because it seemed that her fears weren’t unfounded. That Rowan had lied to her. Had been lying to her. All in her sacred spot. The one spot he knew she wouldn’t be at tonight.

It was bad enough that he had lied to her, but to bring Lyria here…

She bit her lip so hard her tooth pierced through the skin, a small dribble of blood running into her mouth, making her nauseous.

“Let me drive you home, at least?” Rowan asked from his crouched spot, arranging the blankets how they’d been before he’d moved them. Lyria must have nodded, because he stood suddenly and smiled guiltily. “And let’s go quickly because if Aelin knew you were up here, she’d…”

“Freak the fuck out?” Lyria teased.

“Understatement, definitely,” Rowan said, ushering Lyria toward the door.

“So, what’s the deal with her ‘special spot’?” Lyria asked, and Aelin watched the exact second Rowan spotted her, because his face paled in the moonlight, and he rushed toward her.

“Aelin?” he said her name, confused and urgent, but Aelin couldn’t hear him. All she could hear was her own stupidity mocking her over and over again. Her inner-self saying, “I TOLD YOU SO.” Screaming it at the top of her lungs. Calling her names for being too much of a coward to go through with having sex with Sam. Because Rowan wasn’t a coward. He was just an asshole. “What are you…?”

“No,” Aelin interrupted with a too steady voice. “I want to hear what you have to say. What is the deal with my special spot? My special spot where you bring your girlfriend to have sex?!” Her voice rose in pitch as she shouted at him. “Please, I want to hear you tell your girlfriend what a loser I am,” she sniffled. “I guess you didn’t have time to her that I’m just an immature child who needs a special place to go because her mommy left her while you were fucking her.”

“Aelin, Gods no,” he shook his head. “You have the wrong idea, that’s not what—"

“How could you?” She took a step toward him. She expected him to move back, but he didn’t. He stood there, looking pained, his brow crinkled as he tried to come up with the words. She took another step forward and shoved his chest. He stumbled backwards at the force, but she didn’t stop. She shoved him again and again, repeating the words, “How could you?!” until her voice was hoarse. “I trusted you,” she said, her voice cracking over the last word, causing Rowan to snap as he stumbled over the pile of blankets.

“That’s not what happened!” Rowan finally shouted back, his green eyes swirling with upset. “If you would just listen to me,” he pleaded, before steadying himself. “I got your voicemail, and I freaked out, so I came up here—”

“To get revenge?” Aelin cried in earnest now, the tears that had been on the verge of pouring out of her before making a full appearance. “Well, congrats.” She threw her arms up. “I feel betrayed.”

“No!” Rowan yelled. “I wouldn’t do that,” he frowned. “Come on. You know me.”

Aelin leaned down and grabbed the closest thing to her, a book she’d discarded haphazardly the other night after work. She chucked at Rowan, and the pages hit him square in the chest.

“No, I don’t!” she screeched as she reached for another book to throw at him, anything to throw at him, hit him and hurt him like he’d hurt her. “I clearly don’t know you at all.”

“Ace…” he said, dejected, and his tone was enough to cut her straight to the bone.

“Don’t call me that,” she hissed, and Rowan recoiled, looking like he’d been shot. “You lost that right to call me that the second you brought someone up here.” He glanced at Lyria, who was still waiting by the door, and Aelin felt her anger explode.

“Don’t look at her!” Her heart was pounding so fast she thought it might explode. She was going to be sick. She was sure of it. “You should hear the names they’ve called me,” she shook her head, tears coming in earnest. “Talking about me behind my back.” She shuddered. “I knew they were assholes, but I didn’t think you’d be one, too.”

Rowan struggled not to look over Aelin’s shoulder as Lyria stepped closer. “Aelin,” she drawled in that sickly sweet voice that Aelin hated so much. “I would never talk badly about you. I know how much you mean to Rowan.”

Aelin glared, her temper rising faster than she knew what to do with. “The funny thing about that is I can’t remember when the fuck I asked you?” she snapped.

“At least let her defend herself!” Rowan shouted, and Aelin lost any semblance of balance, her temper swirling out of control as she screamed.

“GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!” she threw whatever she could at the couple, a blanket, a pillow, another book. Tearing apart her special spot until it looked as if a hurricane had gone through it.

Lyria had the decency to flinch and retreat. “I’m gonna…” she pointed toward the door, and Rowan nodded. “I’ll talk to you later.”

The door creaked shut as Lyria clambered down the stairs, the soft pitter patter of her steps the only sound other than Aelin’s sniffling.

“Aren’t you going to chase after her?” Aelin asked coldly, and Rowan shook his head again.

“No, I’m not leaving until you hear me out,” he began. “I need to explain to you that this wasn’t what it looked like. Nothing happened, and—”

But Aelin was finished. She looked at the boy in front of her, the boy who she had once known what every crooked smile, every blink of his blonde lashes, every soft gesture and different laugh had meant, now a complete stranger. A stranger who would willingly lie to her face and hurt her like this.

She took in a shaky breath and let out a choked sob.

“Something did happen, Ro,” she said softly. “Somewhere along the way, we just… fell apart.” She wiped at the hot silent tears that caked her cheeks. “Because the Rowan I know would never have brought anyone up here. Ever. Period. No matter what.”

“It was an accident!”

Aelin laughed sadly. “An accident? Do you think I’m stupid, Rowan?!” she sighed. “Lyria accidentally figured out Maeve’s security code and accidentally climbed up here all by herself?”

“Well, not exactly, but—”

Aelin sniffed loudly, “Or was it just an accident that I found you?” She shook her head at Rowan’s pained expression. Something inside of her broke. “And you can stand there and lie to my face, but I don’t have to listen.” She breathed in a shaky breath. “I can’t do this anymore, Rowan. I’m so tired.”

Rowan took a step forward, but Aelin stepped back, keeping the same distance between them, holding her hand up, and she watched as Rowan’s face crinkled, his frown prominent as he furrowed his brow.

“Please don’t do this,” he begged, but Aelin could only shake her head and cry more silent tears. Her anger had dissipated as quickly as it’d come on, and now all she was left with was a sinking hole of dejection. “I just broke up with Lyria.”

“You called her up here to break up with her?” Aelin laughed sadly. “Please, Rowan. You can come up with a better lie than that.”

He took another step forward, and Aelin’s shoulders slumped under the weight of her sadness. He took the opportunity to close the gap between them, his arms wrapped around her waist, causing her to shiver.

“I’m not lying to you, damnit, Aelin.”

“Let me go,” she mumbled, though internally she relished the feeling of his palms on her back. She let the heat seep through the fabric of Aedion’s sweatshirt, leaning back slightly into his touch as she lifted her chin.

“I can’t,” he said softly. “You’re my best friend,” he whispered resolutely. And it broke her all over again. All the times he’d said those words she’d heard the underlying ‘I love you.’ But it had disappeared as soon as she’d heard Lyria’s voice on her roof.

“I hate you,” she breathed, stepping out of his stunned arms. They dropped to his sides as she turned on her heel, her vision blurred by her tears as she ran back down the stairs, tearing out of Maeve’s as quickly as she could. She could never go up there again. Her safe place was ruined. Her friendship with Rowan was ruined. Everything was ruined.

It only took Aelin until the end of the block to hunch over and vomit. She braced herself against a telephone pole, as she heaved up the barely digested bites of apple pie, cloyingly sweet and disgusting in her mouth. She leaned over again, expelling the contents of her stomach, until there was nothing left. She spat and wiped at her mouth, disgusted with herself for becoming this pathetic mess of a person.

“Aelin,” Rowan called out his car window, pulling up beside her. “Please, just get in the car.”

But she shook her head and marched forward, despite the small glittering snowflakes which started to fall from the dark October sky and brush against her bare legs.

“You’re going to get sick in that outfit,” Rowan chastised. “Whoever’s sweatshirt that is isn’t warm enough,” he warned, and Aelin tipped her head back and laughed.

“Calling me a whore now, too, are we?” she asked as she ploughed forward, ignoring the slow roll of jeep tires beside her. “I knew it was only a matter of time…”

“What? Aelin, no, I would never call you a whore.”

“Why not?” she spat. “You’ve called me a bitch.” She chuckled with absolutely no humor. “I let that one slide, you know. Because the whole Lyria thing was so new, and I didn’t want to ruin it for you.”

She felt her hot tears start up against the cold wind of the night and shuddered.

“I let so much slide for you, and you’ve made me feel like shit, Ro.” She breathed, angry again. “Like shit. I let your girlfriend and her friends call me a dyke and a slut, but I never breathed a word. I just took it. Like some idiot.”

She wiped at her tears, trudging forward on numbing legs as she continued forward, turning onto her street.

“But I’m not going to be an idiot anymore.” She laughed to herself. “I could have slept with someone tonight. But I didn’t. Because I convinced myself…” She shook her head, sniffling loudly, her tears turning to icicles on her wind-chapped skin. “And now it doesn’t even matter,” she said, resolute. “Because I don’t want to talk to you ever again.”

She ignored his protests as she fumbled with the flowerpot next to the door, her frozen fingers struggling to get the spare key into the door.

She slammed the door behind her and leaned against it, letting the tears pour down her cheeks again, now that she was in the safety of her home. But a knock at the door against her back came too quickly.

The noise started the sleeping man on the couch – he clearly hadn’t made it very far after picking her up – and she watched as Rhoe blinked against the light, taking in his shivering, sobbing daughter.

“Aelin?” he rushed to her, rubbing his arms up and down her sleeves as she leaned into his warm, sleep-laden chest.

“Daddy,” she cried softly. His arms tightened around her shoulders as Rowan’s voice filtered through the door.

“AELIN!” he cried, and she was relieved when her dad shoved her behind him and swung open the door. Rowan’s hand was raised mid-knock, and in the light of their front hall she could see that Rowan’s cheeks were wet and splotchy with tears too. “Rhoe,” he said, quieting his voice immediately. “I’m so sorry, but I really need to talk to Aelin.”

“No you don’t,” Rhoe’s voice said in a tone that Aelin hadn’t heard him use with Rowan, maybe ever.

“Rhoe, I…” He tried to peer around Rhoe’s shoulders, but Aelin cringed. “Please, I just…”

“Go home, Rowan,” Rhoe’s deep voice echoed into the night. Rowan opened his mouth to protest, and Aelin felt her dad lean forward, challenging the boy in front of him to say something. “It’s the middle of the night, son. I don’t want to wake up your Aunt, but I will.”

Rowan opened his mouth again, but he had the good sense to shut it and nod. Rhoe could be extremely terrifying if he wanted to be.

“Apologies, sir,” Rowan said with a formality that shocked Aelin. “I’ll go home now.”

“Thank you,” Rhoe replied. Aelin wished she could see if he were smiling or not.

“I’ll be back in the morning,” Rowan said, she was sure for her benefit as well as her father’s, and it made her want to scream in retaliation, but she was far too cold and exhausted to begin again.

“I’m sure you will,” Rhoe said, starting to close the door. “But Rowan?” he added. “Not too early.”

“Yes, sir,” Rowan said with that same too-formal tone.

And Aelin finally released a breath when her dad shut the door behind him. They both listened to Rowan’s car door close and the jeep take off before Aelin took a step out of her dad’s grasp. She wiped at her cheeks again.

Rhoe cleared his throat as he took in her reddened face and pink legs. “I thought you were safe until morning.”

“So did I,” Aelin said sadly. Rhoe’s brow raised in question, and Aelin shook her head in return. She was hoping her dad wouldn’t press further, but the man wasa clearing awaiting some kind of explanation for the insanity of his evening. There was only so much he could take.

“Rowan and Lyria were… together. In my spot. And we got into a big, overdue fight. And then I walked home.” She paused. “Rowan followed me, obviously.”

“Okay,” Rhoe said slowly, processing the state of his daughter. But he didn’t ask any follow ups, seemingly satisfied, for now, at least.

“Dad?” He raised an eyebrow at her soft tone. “When Rowan comes back, I don’t want to talk to him. Not tomorrow, not the next day, not the next week, not the next year. We’re not friends anymore. Is that okay?” she asked, knowing that the boy Rhoe turned away was practically his son.

“Whatever you want, Fireheart,” he said, and Aelin exhaled, relieved.

“I kind of just want to take a hot shower,” Aelin said, and Rhoe’s face melted as he wrapped her in a giant hug again, his arms running up and down her back, trying to soak some warmth into her skin.

“Of course, sweetheart,” he sighed. “You’re practically an ice cube. Walking home during the first snow of the season…”

He shook his head as a flurry of flakes swirled past their window.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, but her dad shook his head as he led her upstairs and cracked open her bedroom door. He led her across her darkened room and flipped on the light to her bathroom, turning up the shower to the hottest setting.

He turned back to Aelin and frowned.

“You know I’ve always had a soft spot for Rowan,” Rhoe said, and Aelin felt her stomach clench nervously. “But, if you’re not friends with him anymore, then neither am I. Team Aelin, one hundred percent.”

Tears welled in her eyes again at her dad’s words. She didn’t know how much she needed to hear them.

“I love you,” he said as he left her to her shower. “Get some sleep, Fireheart.” He paused. “We’ll talk more in the morning.”

Aelin stripped quickly and made her way into the steaming shower, blinking away the rivulets of glitter and makeup that still caked her skin from a party that felt like a lifetime ago. The scalding water prickled her icy skin, thawing her quickly, and Aelin let her shaky legs collapse, unable to stand anymore. Sitting on the wet porcelain of her tub floor, she brought her knees into her chest and let her head hang. But no matter how hot the water ran or how long she sat there, she couldn’t scrub the night off her. She’d been hurt more than she could bear in a single evening. She’d thought that Sam would be the worst of it, but that was nothing compared to the pain Rowan had caused her tonight. She’d lost her best friend. Forever.

~*~

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[eternalstann]

Still The One

Tom Holland x Reader

Request: Congrats on your 2,000 followers!!You deserve it! ❤️ Could I please request a Tom imagine? Maybe an angsty one where they break off their relationship of a few years after a few bad fights. So months go by and Tom is still a mess, his family still misses you so he decides to win you back but unbeknownst to him you have been seeing someone for the past couple of weeks. Who will Y/N choose?? It would mean so much but no worries if you have trouble writing this request, I would still be looking forward to your other writing. But major thanks in advance 😊😊

In the moment, Tom thought he’d done the right thing.

He loved you, and he knew you loved him but things weren’t like they were when you first met. You’d been arguing more and more often..it just felt like you weren’t on the same page.

Finally, both of you had just had enough.

“You know what, Y/N this isn’t working any more” Tom’s voice was quieter now; different from the screaming match the two of you were having just moments before. He feels the lump in his throat the second the words leave his mouth and he almost wants to take them back. But part of him knows neither of you could go on like this.

“I was thinking the same thing” you reply coldly, eyes staring back at him with zero emotion. You were numb, a piece of you breaking when his words washed over you. You turn your back to him, feeling the tears well.

Tom watched you in silence, as you grabbed your purse, walking out the door. And out of his life.

And that was it. Now here Tom was, almost five months later. Completely sure that losing you was the biggest mistake of his life. He lay in his bed, scrolling through pictures of the two you he couldn’t bring himself to delete. Watching videos and listening to your laugh. His heart ached in his chest, looking at the sparkle in his eyes that only you could bring. He just wanted to feel the same happiness he had with you again. He wanted you.

And it wasn’t enough for him to feel shitty about your break up, his friends and family refused to let you go. Or let him live it down.

You were the daughter Nikki never had, and Tom had been terrified to tell her. He remembers the look of shock and disappointment when she found out, not even from him. She’d texted you to meet for lunch and nearly dropped her phone when you politely told her you didn’t think it was appropriate since you and Tom had split up.

Tom remembers him and Harry almost getting into a literal fist fight when Harry called him an idiot for leaving you.

Even Zendaya and Jacob were pissed at him, refusing to choose between the two of you.

You had been a part of every single aspect of his life and now he felt an emptiness that he knew was from the loss of you.

Tom finally peeled himself from his bed, getting dressed to visit his parents and siblings for dinner.

Seeing them was a temporary distraction and he was happy he’d decided to come until about halfway through the meal.

“Hey Tom, can you take me to the mall tomorrow?” Paddy asks cheerfully and Tom takes another bite of his food before telling him no.

“Y/N would’ve taken me” Paddy grumbles and Sam kicks him under the table.

“Ouch! Well she would’ve! She was always nicer than you. I don’t know why she ever agreed to be your girlfriend in the first place” he exclaims, getting up from the table.

The rest of his family is stunned into silence at Paddy’s outburst.

“Well, in his defense...she probably would’ve taken him to the mall” Harry adds and Dom hushes the redhead.

“Tom, honey I’m so sorry. I don’t know where that came from. I’ll make him apologize” Nikki tried to console him but Tom assures her it’s fine. Because he knows where it came from.

You had become a part of the family. You’d helped Paddy with homework and made TikToks with him. You cooked with Sam. You laughed at his dads jokes. Hell you and Harry were pretty much best friends and he was positive the two of you still talked, much to his annoyance.

But he couldn’t be mad at his family, when he was already too mad at himself. This was his doing, and he needed to fix it. He still loved you, and this was his sign to get you back.

He mustered up all his courage and set his pride aside to text you; after begging Harry to give him your new number.

“Hey Y/N. It’s Tom. I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from and you don’t owe me anything. But it would mean the world to me if we could just meet and talk some time. I hope you’re doing well. Xoxo”

He sends the text with an exhale, tossing his phone onto his bed. He doesn’t know why he thought you’d answer right away. It takes 3 days for him to get the message that you weren’t going to respond. And he couldn’t blame you. He’d been a dick the last few weeks of your relationship. But he couldn’t stop trying.

He prayed you lived in the same apartment. Buying your favorite flowers and meal, he was going to turn up at your door. Give you the gifts, and beg you to hear him out. If you didn’t, then he swore to himself he’d leave you alone forever.

Before he knew it he found himself standing outside your place.

—

You were sitting on the couch, laughing with Justin - your sort of friend but maybe more. The two of you had been enjoying a movie together; making ridiculous comments throughout.

You snort when he throws a piece of popcorn at your face and you attempt to catch it in your mouth, failing horribly.

“Nice try babe” he says sarcastically, tossing a piece into his own mouth. He stares at you, and you stare back.

“You look beautiful tonight, you always do” he compliments and your stomach flutters with butterflies.

“Thank you...” you whisper, scooting closer to him and he does the same. Your lips are only centimeters apart when you hear a knock on your door. You roll your eyes, of course.

“One second” you pat Justins leg before standing up to see who could possibly be at your door. You pull down the hoodie you were wearing and straighten out your hair a bit before yanking open your door.

You nearly pass out when you see who it is.

“Tom?!” you ask incredulously, absolutely not expecting to see him. You glance to Justin on your couch, then back to Tom in your doorway. Justin gave you butterflies. But Tom? He gave you the whole fucking zoo.

Your eyes scan over him, to someone who didn’t know him he looked good. Amazing even. He was even more built than the last time you’d seen him, and his hair had grown out. But you knew him. You noticed the bags under his eyes, and how oily his hair was. The slouch in his posture. You even noticed how chewed up his nails were. And then the flowers he held, and the take out bag of food from your favorite restaurant.

You try to ignore the way your heart throbs in your chest, and your brain is dreading where this was going.

It had taken you almost 3 months to be even remotely okay after you and Tom broke up. Finally going to the bar after your friends dragged you out. That’s when you met Justin, and had been seeing him ever since.

Now here Tom was, standing in front of you. And all you want to do is jump into his arms. But you hold it together, refusing to throw away all the time you spent trying to forget him. All the effort you’d put in with Justin. You couldn’t go back.

“Y/N...you look even more gorgeous than I remember” he says breathlessly and you shift awkwardly on your feet. “Thank you, you look nice too” you answer cooly.

Tom can’t take his eyes off you, studying every detail all over again. The way your hair fell around your pretty face, the way the hood of the sweater you were wearing sat perfectly on your neck....and then it hit him. You were wearing his pink hoodie.

“Is that my hoodie?” He asks dumbly and you didn’t even realize it either until he said it. You stammer for the right words to say when suddenly you feel an arm wrap around your waist.

“Everything okay babe?” Justin’s voice sounds, startling you from your Tom induced daze.

Tom stands up straighter at the sight of Justin next to you.

“Y/N can we please talk?” Tom asks and your eyes dart between the two men.

“Justin; can you give me a little bit? I’m so sorry I promise we’ll do something soon” you grab his hand and he gives you a small smile.

“No problem babe, I won’t be far. Call me if you need me” Justin answers sweetly pecking you on your lips before brushing past Tom.

You feel your whole body heat up, kissing another man in front of Tom... the person who a few short months ago you swore you’d marry and be with forever; it just felt wrong.

“Um, come in Tom” you gesture for him to enter, shutting the door behind him.

You feel tingly all over being alone with him and you wonder if not just slamming the door in his face was a mistake.

“What was that all about?” Tom asks and you know he’s talking about Justin. You roll your eyes, and just like that the shock of Tom being there is gone. You feel just like you did five months ago. On the verge of another argument with the brunette.

“He’s just a friend” you answer, sitting down on your couch. And Tom squints, “you kiss your friends on the lips now?”

You raise your eyebrows.

“Why are you here Tom?” You ask with a sigh and Tom takes a deep breath.

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry. I was just jealous” he admits and you cross your arms.

“You have no right to be jealous Tom. I’m single” you spit, remembering the worst night of your life and hearing him say those fateful words.

“I know; and that’s why I’m here” he responds, sitting next to you. “I brought these for you..” he raises the gifts in his hands before setting them on the coffee table.

“Thank you” you thank him curtly.

“I texted you...” Tom says slowly and you nod- “I saw”

When he texted you, you hoped he’d take the hint when you didn’t respond. Clearly you were wrong.

Tom sighs again before he starts talking.

“Y/N. Words cannot explain how sorry I am for how things ended between us. I’ve been up almost every night just wishing they were different. Wishing you were still mine....”

You stop him there.

You you already feel yourself ready to cry. Half of you had been dreaming about this moment, praying for it to happen. But the other half of you is stubborn.

“Tom you can’t do this. You broke up with me...and now you come back months later with some speech thinking I’m just going to take you back? You broke my heart. You wrecked me. I didn’t get out of bed for weeks after you. I cried until I ran out of tears. And you bring me flowers like that’s some sort of consolation for the pain you put me through?” You finish, voice wobbly by the time you make it to the end.

“Darling, I know no material thing could make up for the pain. Because trust me I felt it to. I still feel it. That’s why I’m here. But Y/N you’re my soulmate, I know that. I know that with every fiber of my being.” He pleads and you can’t stop the tears from falling now.

You’re so overwhelmed you don’t know what to do.

“I can’t do this Tom. I can’t, I’m sorry” you say, standing to walk away but he grabs you hand.

Tom holds your hand so tightly it almost hurts and your heart breaks when you see that he’s crying too. He drops to his knees in front of you.

“Baby if you don’t want to be with me, why’d you keep the pink hoodie? And I know about your secret brunch dates with my mum. Y/N part of you still wants this. Please, all I’m asking for is another chance” he begs and you throw your head back, a million thoughts running through your mind at once.

You know deep down that Tom is still the one. The love of your life. And you know that you’d NEVER forgive yourself if you didn’t try again with him.

You pull him to his feet, staring into his watery eyes.

“It can’t be like last time....” you whisper and Tom pulls you into a hug, squeezing you so tightly you can’t breathe.

“It won’t be darling, I promise” he whispers into your hair before pulling back to look at you again.

“I love you, Y/N” he mumbles, hands holding the sides of your face and you smile gently.

“I love you too, Tommy” you hum, and then he’s kissing you through your tears.

Like you were made for each other. And you were.

————

Ugh I almost feel like this isn’t angst enough but I tried, thank you so much for requesting!! I love you ❤️❤️❤️ THE 2K SLEEPOVER CELEBRATION IS STILL GOING ON!!

((Also does anyone know how to do the read more link from mobile pls and thanks😭))

[bethchapelsbonnet]

I say No 55

HOURMAN AND DR MIT NITE Reunite after she is Rescued with Dr McNider ofcours during battle and Rick just cant wait until after the battle .He even Stars By her side the whole time

I hope thats ok

Okay. Firstly, I'm going to answer your closing concern of "I hope that's ok." The short answer is no. No, that's not okay, Love. Please remember that whenever you send these prompts into others, this is a request for free labor and we're merely asking you to select from the list so that we can freely practice our craft. It's not a custom order.

Furthermore, this may or may not be something that I might write, but I would doubtfully write it in this way. So, I will take your prompt #55 and write something of my own for this particular prompt, and hopefully you can find content that writes the very specific prompt that you're eager to see. 🙂

"I missed you... a lot."

"I missed you" is something that can be so personal. So deep and connected, with the right person, and yet can be so empty and shallow from the wrong one.

Rick wasn't always great with words. That being understood, his loved ones knew that when he said something, he meant it. Maybe not some of his pep talks, that were more to support you than emote for himself, but things like, "I'm sorry." "I understand." "I love you." "I care." "I'm here." Things like, "I miss you." Those would never be an exaggeration, and you'd do well to appreciate that they weren't common.

Beth always knew. Sometimes, he didn't have to even say the thing, but she was the type to be clear, so he would, just so she knew that he was serious and willing to do what it took. They weren't together the entire time.

They took a break, when Beth entered a work-school program at an elite institution, and decided that Rick shouldn't come along with her.

Rick looked like his next step would be to punch down another tree. There was no light in his features and he didn't feel any of the warmth that he generally associated with her. That was all because his heart was breaking.

His first response to this blatant and gross betrayal, this abandonment that she had promised would NEVER happen was anger. He didn't express it. She could just tell.

"Rick, you know that it's best for both of us right now, right?" He grimaced. "Maybe not best, but it's the most sensible way for us to both do what we need to do and not have to…"

"What? Not have to WHAT, Beth? Because the last time I checked, there was NOTHING that we weren't willing to do for each other! And now, what? You don't want to have to put up with me and my issues?" He clenched his fist and she started crying.

Rick shook his head and pulled her to himself, "I'm sorry." She sobbed into his jacket. "This is why, isn't it? It's because I'm like this.."

"It's because it's what's best right now…"

"For you. Because I keep fucking up."

She cupped his face, "I want you to have everything that you deserve, Rick Tyler, and you deserve so much more than this world has given you… more than I'm able to give right now. I have to focus on my studies and I don't want you to follow me. I don't believe that I will be available as needed and I think that pretending to would make it harder on both of us and it would be disingenuous of me.." she whimpered, "I still love you."

That hurt him more, but nothing that she said was irrational or untrue and he couldn't force her not to break up with him if it was. "I understand." He said, miserably sad. He wanted to simply die. He didn't want to think about returning to a life after being left behind again, by her this time.

.

He made it alright. They did different hero stints in different groups and stuff, him mostly with the JSA, her with other teams and heroes. It scared him, to think about her out there, not having him to have her back. Sure, she had teammates, but did any of them care about her like he had? Did she have new best friends? A new lover? Was there somebody right now, warming her bed and being her shield in a fight?

The call was late and unfortunately, some guy answered. "Umm… sorry to call so late. Is Beth available?"

"She's working on something pretty important.."

"Okay. Yeah. Of course. I'm, if you could tell her Rick called…"

"Rick.." the person said, "Will she need anything else or just Rick?"

"Rick?" He heard her say in the background and the man was going to relay the message, but she wound up with the phone, "Rick? What's happening? Is everything ok? Do you need me?"

His heart wasn't prepared for this. He wanted to say yes. Of course he needed her. He loved her. He always would need her. "I'm sorry. I just was thinking about you…" there was a long pause and a relieved sigh. Then she said something to someone in the background. "I didn't mean to scare you," he attempted, "I was having some kind of anxiety. I guess I just… regressed to needing to talk to you."

"I'm the regression, huh?" She teased, then chuckled. "It's okay. But, why did you call this line? Did you delete my cell or something?"

"I…" he glanced at his own phone and plain as day it said Beth WORK. "Must've hit the wrong entry."

"Okay. Well, if you need to talk longer, call me on my cell, okay?"

"No.. it's fine. I'll let you go."

"Okay…" another pause, "you'd still tell me if you needed something, right?"

"I'd." He bit his lip and was grateful that she wasn't there to see his face. She would know that he just wanted her so badly. "I'd try." She sighed. He grabbed the bridge of his nose, "I love you."

"Rick... I have to go." And she hung up. A moment later she sent a text: I love you too. Please take care of yourself. 🙏🏾

.

Rick walked into the JSA headquarters and was startled to see Hootie there. Why would Hootie be here? "Court?" He called and only then realized that some conversation died down. He went towards the silence and saw The Green Lantern, speaking with Courtney and Yolanda. "Jennie! What's good?"

"It's not good," Courtney said, sadly. Rick looked worried and it only intensified when Yolanda took his hand.

"What is it?"

Jennie cut to the chase. "It's Beth." Rick nearly collapsed JUST from that much. "She's alive, but… she's been injured very badly and she's unconscious and.."

"Where is she?" He asked.

"I can bring you. Just you. I know everyone cares about her, but Rick is the only person listed for this type of… situation."

"WHAT TYPE OF SITUATION IS IT?" Rick asked, on the verge of tears.

"Life or death. We have to leave immediately."

"Yeah, we do!" Rick said. Yolanda and Courtney tried hugging him but he really didn't want to be touched. He couldn't handle that.

.

She looked so frail in the hospital bed. Her head and face were wrapped up, almost completely. Her nose and mouth though… while not seemingly damaged, were the only thing that seemed not to be with those wraps.

Her current team was already preparing the cover story for her death. Her death? She wasn't going to die. She couldn't die. Please, don't die, Beth. I couldn't take it. He couldn't find any words on his tongue. "I care…" was all he could mutter and he held her hand, lifeless and soft.

Some of her current teammates talked to him, trying to explain what happened and what may happen next. He couldn't really take in everything. Unless Beth got up, there was no "next" happening. He would be here until she got better or until she left forever. "I'm here." He kissed her hand.

They could use his help on a mission. Without Beth's fighting skills, they were disadvantaged. He shook his head. He'd have liked to apologize and explain that there was no way that he left Beth and risk her not being there when he returned. Still speechless. For days. For weeks. "I miss you," he pleaded. Please, wake up.

Her hand began to move and he called for help. Hopefully, he wasn't losing it. Doctors came in, he was moved aside while they checked things. He was overwhelmed, but refused to step out.

After a while, she had been unwrapped and helped to sit up. It was a lot to process. She been blasted with a ray, and knocked unconscious from a head injury. She could have been paralyzed. They were shocked that she wasn't… but she was blind.

Sure, she still had her goggles, but it was… going to be quite a life change, and she still had healing to do. "You're not alone," she heard Rick say and she gasped and reflexively turned in his direction. She absolutely couldn't see him, but he made his way to her side, and her hands found his.

"I missed you… a lot," Beth said.

"Here I am." And she wasn't going to get rid of him.

"I can never see your face again," she said in the softest voice ever, hoarse from her down time. "I mean.. not like it is.. not like I remember it.."

He took her hands and placed them on his face, "You'll learn it. I'm never letting you go that far away from me again."

"I'm not your responsibility."

"You never were my responsibility. I should have been clearer. I never felt obligated to protect you or forced to defend you. It was always out of love."

"That hasn't changed?"

"Kidding? I would have hitchhiked here, if I had to just to sit at your side for all of these weeks."

"I don't know what to say…"

"Do… do you still love me?"

"As much as I did the first time I told you."

"We don't have to say anything else, for now."

[moldisgoodforyou]

heartbreak like a hangover (iii)

gif from @drewstarkeysbitchh​ 

wordcount: 3k

part one | part two

__

In the three minutes it took Sophie to climb the stairs to her room, the realization of what she had just agreed to hit her like a ton of bricks. In her mind, she was thinking Rafe was giving her space just like she needed, time to figure out how she was going to juggle all her priorities at once - including him. She sucked in a deep breath once she was finally in the safety of her room, on the verge of panic.  

“Sophie?” Allie asked, concerned. She was the only one in the room when Sophie came back. “What’s wrong?”

“I - fuck, Allie, I just fucked up.” Sophie wrapped her arms around herself tightly and leaned her back against the wall, trying to make sense of the conversation.

“Do you need something?” Allie stood, frowning and gently touched Sophie’s shoulder. 

“Can I be alone for a minute?” Sophie squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to show she was about to cry. 

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” Allie grabbed her phone and paused before leaving. “Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be okay. Okay?” 

“I don’t know.” Sophie frowned, her voice shaky. Allie just nodded and touched her shoulder again before slipping out the door to give her some space. Once she was sure Allie had walked away, Sophie let out a pathetic sob, biting her knuckles to stay quiet. She felt stupid for even wanting to cry over this, something she had caused, but allowed herself a moment of pity. Just a moment, and okay, maybe a moment more.

She crawled into bed still in her clothes from class, toed off her sneakers and pulled her pillow over her head. Every time she thought about what she had said to Rafe, and what he asked for, she felt like she couldn’t breathe. He wouldn’t even look at her after she said it, so fucking confident, as if he had just offered her some time to think when really he was proposing a full pause to their relationship. After thinking about it more, she came to the conclusion that he’d been prepared for this conversation, he’d probably been thinking about it for a while. Sure, she could explain what she was thinking, but what if that’s what he really wanted all along? Space from her?

They’d spent almost every day together over break, after all, maybe that was too much for him. Maybe he found he didn’t like her that much after all, that she was only fun when they were flirting and play-fighting. She’d always been the same way, thinking the chase was more fun than the catch, but Rafe was different to her. Maybe it was just the same for him.

Sophie worked herself into a tirade of self doubt, crying harder and harder as she compared herself to past girlfriends of Rafe’s (though she could only recall high school) and thought about all the things she couldn’t offer him. Money. Expensive gifts. Lavish vacations. Hell, she couldn’t even offer him that much time this semester, knowing her schedule was going to be packed full. Maybe he knew this all along, just didn’t want to be the one to say it.

She’d been through a “break” before - freshman year. She was eighteen and naive, and gladly accepted taking a break over the winter holiday without putting two and two together that it’s much easier to break up with someone when your relationship is on hold. That relationship held nothing to what she had with Rafe, but she felt herself wanting to be sick thinking about what she had done. 

It’s funny how heartbreak can feel like a hangover.

After a couple hours, Julia and Allie returned to the room quietly, a pint of ice cream in hand. They found Sophie asleep with the lights on, mascara smudged under her eyes. Allie knelt down next to her, gently nudging her awake. “Sophie, you gotta get up and change, okay?” 

Sophie rubbed her eyes hard as she slowly sat up, pressing her hands against her head. “Is it late?” 

“Only around nine. You can go back to sleep, just figured you’d want to take your makeup off? Or not sleep in jeans?” Julia frowned, looking her over. Sophie nodded, still half asleep, and got up to kick off her clothes and pull on sweatpants and a t-shirt instead. She paused when pulling out a shirt, purposely avoiding three of Rafe’s that sat in her drawer. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Allie asked softly, holding up the pint of ice cream and a spoon. Sophie finished taking her makeup off, then turned back to them. “Maybe tomorrow? I just...I don’t...” Her voice cracked and she ducked her head down, quickly rubbing away a stray tear. 

Julia crossed the room first and pulled her into a hug, holding her tight. Sophie stayed stiff in her arms, taking short shallow breaths. “It’s going to be alright, Soph. Whatever it is, you can fix it.” 

“Maybe.” Sophie mumbled and Julia finally let go. She stepped back and gave her space, and Sophie returned to her bed straightaway, curling up under the covers. After a few hesitant moments and mouthed words, the girls left her alone again. 

_

Two hours after talking to Sophie, Rafe finally returned to the Delt house. He couldn’t think of anything to do except go for a drive, going straight down the highway away from Columbus. He only turned around once he pulled the car over, after realizing he was crying and couldn’t see the road through the rain pouring outside. When he felt his cheeks, wet to the touch, he punched the steering wheel, wanting to scream. Every single moment of their conversation replayed in his head - god, how things could go so wrong in a fifteen-minute drive home. 

Did he push her too much? Was it his snap at her, was it him being too overbearing and picking her up even though she asked to talk the next day? He wasn’t sure, but he knew she didn’t pause for a moment when he suggested a break. Why he even suggested it in the first place was beyond him - maybe it was a chance for her to give in, to explain why she’d felt so distant. 

He never expected her to say yes. 

_ 

The next two weeks were absolute hell for Sophie. 

She was doing everything in her power to keep herself from thinking about what had happened, making herself work until two or three am every night. She prepped for schoolwork weeks in advance, staking her claim in the architecture studio, and stayed an extra hour at the office for her internship when she could. (That was promptly shut down after a week, when her boss had to tell her to go home for the fourth time in a row.) 

She was exhausted, working herself to a breaking point of stress - one she was used to during finals week, not at the beginning of the semester. Her distraction tactic hardly worked anyways, as she found herself writing Mies van der Rafe in her notes instead of van der Rohe. She wore the sweater Rafe gave her for Christmas one day despite her brain telling her no, and the smell of his cologne in the fabric had her sidetracked the entire day. 

There were several moments she almost texted him, drafting up a short message about a new song she found that reminded her of him or wanting to tell him about her favorite new professor. Each time her thumb hovered over the send button, moments away, then she hastily deleted and hoped he hadn’t seen the typing bubble pop up. Even if she missed him like hell, she wanted to respect his space, give him time for the break he had asked for. 

_ 

“Come on, we’re going out.” James threw the blankets off Rafe’s bed, duvet and all. “Get the fuck up.” 

Rafe groaned, pulling his pillow over his head. He had been miserable the past two weeks, sure that his relationship was doomed. All he had done was go to class, do the bare minimum for his assignments and taking notes, then came home again to watch movies, sleep, or run. Colin had confiscated Rafe’s tennis shoes once he tried going on his third run of the day, and James confiscated Rafe’s DVD of The Da Vinci Code after his fourth watch. (He didn’t find it a coincidence that the lead female protagonist was also named Sophie.)

“Either you shower on your own or we’re forcing you in. Get up.” Colin added. The two boys had given Rafe his time to process, but when he refused to talk to them about what had happened and just moped around instead, they decided to take action.  

Rafe got out of bed with a groan, throwing the sheets back onto his bed. “Fuck you both.”  

“Aw, buddy, you don’t mean that. Go take a fucking shower.” James clapped Rafe on the back, handing him his towel. Surprisingly, Rafe didn’t protest much and ambled down the hall.  

“That’s something.” Colin remarked when Rafe came back in, freshly showered. 

“I’m not going out.” Rafe retorted. James stopped him from trying to pull on a fresh pair of sweatpants. “Yes, you are. Real person clothes. Quit being a wet blanket.” 

“Excuse me for being upset over my girlfriend breaking up with me.” Rafe mumbled. 

Both James and Colin stopped in their tracks, surprised he had finally admitted something and surprised it was so finite. “That doesn’t sound right. Are you sure?” Colin asked. 

“No. Fine. We’re on a fucking break. Which is practically the same thing.” Rafe pulled on the clothes James had set out for him, though not without a few extra dramatic grumbles. 

“No, no, dude, that’s not the same at all. A break is temporary.” James reassured him, handing him his coat. “Do you wanna talk about it or do you wanna get fucked up?”  

Rafe debated, glancing back and forth between his bed and the door. “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Colin nodded. “Great, let’s go then. The rest of the guys already left.” 

It only took Rafe three drinks and two shots until he was confessing his feelings. A girl slid up to him at the bar, complimenting his hair (that was ungelled, just how Sophie liked it) and placing a hand on his arm. “That was how Sophie flirted.” Rafe told her with a big sigh. 

She gave him a confused look, pulling back her hand. “Sophie?”  

“My girlfriend.” He clarified. “Well. Ex girlfriend. We’re on a break, I don’t know what that means.” 

“Okay...” The girl nodded just to be polite, looking like she regretted ordering a more time-consuming drink as both of them waited at the bar. 

“I love her. I haven’t told her yet though. But I asked her if she wanted the break. I think. I don’t remember.” 

The girl frowned. “Why would you do that if you love her? That doesn’t make sense.” 

“I know.” Rafe lamented, frowning. “I miss her so much. She smells like lemons, you know, and that flower that makes you sleepy.” 

“Lavender?” The girl supplied.

Rafe snapped his fingers. “Yeah, that’s it.” When the bartender handed him their drinks, he frowned. “I’m sorry, I don’t even know you. I just miss her. I need to call her.” 

“S’okay.” She had paid for his drink when he wasn’t paying attention, taking pity on him. “Call her in the morning though, when you’re sober. Trust me.” 

Rafe nodded. “When I’m sober. Got it.” She nodded and gave him a small smile, then made her exit. Unfortunately for him, he forgot the conversation almost as quickly as it had happened, choosing to drink more instead. Once the boys finally got him to quit, he was unsteady, leaning on every surface available. Both James and Colin had to wrestle him into an Uber then drag him up the stairs to their room. “M’ sorry.” He mumbled for the fourth time in a row, practically collapsing into his bed.

“You’re a mess, dude, get your shit together.” Colin reprimanded. “Talk to her, or something.” 

“Can’t. Told her two weeks. Giving her time.” 

“It’s been two weeks. It is today, at least.” James pointed out, handing Rafe a bottle of water to sober him up. 

“Oh.” He accepted the water, frowning. “She hasn’t said anything.” 

“It’s barely two weeks, it’s one am. She’s not going to call you now.” Colin reasoned. “You gonna tell us what happened or not?” 

Rafe paused, considering. “I think it might’ve been the Christmas party? She was being weird that night. Dunno why. She met my dad.” 

James nodded in recognition. “Oh. You should have just started with that.”

“Huh?” 

“Your house is kind of intimidating. And your dad.” Colin told him, point-blank. 

“Yeah, you took us to visit the Outer Banks on a private plane for spring break freshman year. That’s not normal.” James added. 

“But you guys grew up together, she must have known all that already. Right?” Colin asked. 

Rafe sat back against the wall, head spinning a little. “Yeah...right.” 

“Convincing.” James handed Rafe another water bottle, watching him put two and two together. 

“I can’t think straight.” He confessed. “This is too much.” 

“Go to bed and we can talk it out tomorrow, okay?” Colin set two ibuprofen on Rafe’s nightstand for the next morning. “You guys can fix this, Rafe.” 

“Sophie calls me that.” He practically whined, flopping back onto the bed again. 

James snorted. “That’s your name, buddy. Everyone calls you that.” 

“Still.” 

“Okay. You’re not as sober as I thought you were. Drink the rest of your water and you can sleep.” 

Rafe nodded and drank the rest, then tossed the bottle back to James. “She’ll talk to me in the morning? Promise?” 

“Uh...yeah. Sure. Promise.” Colin gave him a pitying look. “Just go to sleep, man. It’ll get better.” 

_

“Okay, you can’t do this anymore.” Julia interrupted Sophie’s train of thought, grabbing her laptop away from her. Sophie was holed up in the study room of Theta at 1am, again, doing everything she could to keep herself busy. 

“Hey! Give it back.” Sophie grabbed for it, but Julia held her laptop out of her reach. Allie picked up Sophie’s mug and dumped it in the water fountain. “Coffee, Soph? This late?”

“I was working.” She protested weakly, reaching out. 

“Sophie, you have your homework done for the entire month of February. And it’s barely the end of January.” Allie flicked through Sophie’s notebook, shaking her head. 

“Just in one class. Just little quizzes.” 

“That’s not normal. You’re working too much.” Julia argued. “And it’s a Friday. Come on, you have to go to bed.” 

“I can’t.” Sophie frowned, backing down more and more. “And I can’t tell you why. It’s fucking pathetic.” 

Julia shook her head and sat next to her, Allie still standing with arms crossed. “We’re not going to make fun of you, you know that.” 

Sophie let out a big sigh, pressing her fingers to her temples. “I keep dreaming about him. He’s being sweet, or giving me things, and then sometimes I kick him off the edge of a cliff.”  

Julia couldn’t help herself and snorted. “Lovely.” 

“It’s not funny! I fucked up a good thing. And now I don’t know if I can fix it.” She bit the inside of her cheek. 

“Can I be honest?” Allie asked.

“When are you not?” 

Allie laughed a little at that. “Honestly, I think you’re being dumb. You’re letting this whole money thing get to your head, and I’ve never seen you less confident. That’s not you, Soph.”  

Julia nodded. “You and Rafe are good together, he makes you happy. You know that. Besides, if you’re going to date a man, he might as well be rich.” 

“That is...so not helpful.” Allie sighed. 

Sophie laughed out loud, for what felt like the first time in days. “It’s a little true. I just need to talk to him, don’t I?” 

“Exactly. I’m sure he’s not doing well either.” Julia added. 

“He hasn’t reached out at all.” She told them, twisting her rings she wore daily as her usual anxious habit. 

“You’re the one that accepted the break. He’s probably just waiting for you first.” Allie pointed out. 

“Maybe.” Sophie sat back in her seat, thinking. “At the party, he said he had something important to say. He told me no l-word. What’s that supposed to mean?” 

Both Julia and Allie exchanged glances, Allie shaking her head.

“What?”

“Um...you’re going to have to figure that one out on your own, Soph.” Julia stood and offered her hand. “You need to sleep first though. If not for you, do it for us.” 

“Seriously, you’ve made us worried.” Allie nudged Sophie’s shoulder with her own once she stood. Sophie nodded and followed them upstairs, feeling a little more hopeful. 

_

The next morning, Rafe didn’t wake up until nearly noon. He checked his phone with a groan, seeing a single text notification.

Sophie: hey. can I see you?