#but i am feeling suffocated here
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not to complain but living within a religious community is so miserable lol
#and i can’t leave because of underlying circumstances#particularly#if i want to keep my job i can’t leave the church#because the church runs the school i’m at lol#but i am feeling suffocated here#and coming to the realization that this is indeed a toxic atmosphere has been a lot
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watching isttvg with your partner and holding their hand with the sudden awareness of how close you came to death. thinking: we are alive, we are alive, we are alive. thinking: every day we save ourselves from more and worse. thinking: for the love of god, dont let go.
#i saw the tv glow#obviously we are both trans#im with my family for the summer and i forget who i am#i see her speak to her father and i feel sick with pain#but we are alive. we are here. we are crawling out of that grave inch by inch#once i said 'im not trans bc i could keep pretending to be cis'. i get made fun for it and rightfully so#but that sentiment is death. that sentiment is death. nothing else.#we have spent so much of our lives lying. suffocating and lying and apologizing for everything that's true.#this is me stopping. please come with me. please stop. for the love of god - keep crawling. please. we have to go.#this cannot be us. never again. we cannot pretend reality away we cannot choose not to see it. itll kill us.#i found our hearts and theyre still beating. we are alive. there is still time#for as long as your heart is beating. there is still time. please. dont let go.
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legitimately wanna die bc i keep checking his blog and thinking obsessively about him and then i get pangs in my chest as i realize that he doesnt care abt me bc he has someone else again so he doesnt think of me and im sitting here going crazy bc i want him so bad but he doesnt want me he wants someone else 🥴
#i know i sound crazy but yeah like idk what to do i wanna die ^-^#bc like ok im here alone in my room with no friends no life no nothing. i have no one to talk to#i have nobody in the whole wide world to talk to... and im crying and all i can think abt him#while he is talking to the person he wants. and he's not crying all alone bc he loves me and wants me so bad#you see??? thats why im going crazy bc he'll be ok he has someone while i wont be ok and i dont have anyone#i dont even have a friend to talk to and cry to and be comforted by. i have no one.#and the loneliness is so suffocating and i see my future and i have been alone my entire life and i will always be alone#i just want a gun and off myself (not bc of him specifically but bc of the loneliness i've always had)#like idk i just cant let go of the fact that im crying checking his blog#while he isnt checking my blog at all and he isnt thinking of me at all bc he is thinking of her#yk that in of itself is so humiliating and so cruel 💀#and i know i sound ridiculous but idk im trying to read and im trying to watch smth and i just cant stop hurting#i can go non contact and try to forget him#but that will hurt so fkn bad bc he is all i want#but then i rmbr that im not what he wants#so what? will i just message him once every couple of months? all the while he'll have someone else#why would he even want to keep talking to me???? lmao like if he has someone why would he wanna talk to me at all?#and how am i gonna be ok w talking to him abt idk the fkn weather while i really wanna be in love w him but i cant bc he isnt mine???#but how am i supposed to just not talk to him ever again when he is the one person... i wanna talk to all day and know everything abt#which.. is the issue bc i feel that way abt him but he doesnt feel that way abt me bc hes wanting that with her#it just... doesnt work so idk what to do#it hurts that he found someone else to be worthy of a chance but not me.... i wasnt worth a chance
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Too Much Tea
#im having one of my classic colds where my sinuses try desperately to become fully obstructed and develop Eternal Bacterial Sinusitis#and the best way to deal with it is to just keep pouring hot liquids on and/or through my face#but. it is too hot to take more than a couple hot showers a day#and i am Growing Weary of Tea#tea is fine! i have a niceish jasmine green that's heavy on the jasmine and it's not getting less pleasant over time#but i do feel. bored.#next time i get hungry i'll switch to instant ramen with extra broth but for the moment it's just Tea Forever#and because im a moron i didnt think to get lemons and i dont really want to go helpfully distribute virus to everyone in the whole foods#and/or try to keep it together while attempting to mouthbreathe through a mask and having respiratory infection suffocation flashbacks#so i will have to wait until 🌸 gets back to switch to various honey-and-lemon/tea combinations#titrated assortedly. for interest.#box opener#like this works. i can actually breath through my nose rn. it's functioning. but im bored#id like to take a half hour break from tea but i Will start choking again if i do that. so here we are
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“you’re so self-aware and pragmatic!!” i have built a cage around myself limiting the space in which i experience the world to a tiny area, and every time i reflect on my thoughts and actions i add another bar
#i am so deeply and profoundly fucked up but yall will find a way to sell it as self awareness and pragmatism and logic#i am a screaming child in a nonverbal adult’s body who can feel no joy because this cage is built on anhedonia#i am rattling on these bars trying to tear away at them horrified that i might succeed#this cage is my safe haven it will suffocate and drown me#i can’t breathe in here but the outside world is poisonous
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Never underestimate the power of a comfy hoodie to ward off Lovecraftian madness🖤
#my stuff#deadass can’t even talk to my therapist abt this it’s so outside their wheelhouse#i need a philosopher of nonspecific piety i don’t need the infuriating suffocation of organized religion#but i require an outside party to assist introspection or i am going to go feral#like how tf do i vocalize a long buried conviction that i’m supposed to be hearing more voices in my head and it’s distressing that i can’t#where are you#i don’t have enough eyes i can’t see#i don’t know what you want. what we need.#i can’t hear you. i’m doing my best but i don’t know what the intent is#know that i’m trying but it feels insufficient#why did you put me here alone what is the lesson this time#i’m hungry i’m lonely i’m of imperfect shape and tormented mind and i want the rest of me or i want OUT!!#give me back my mitosis of eyes
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the dashboard unfucker plugin i had doesn't work anymore and its stopped being updated so now i am forced to look at tumblr cosplaying as twitter for all of eternity
if i was any better at coding i'd do something about it but i have executive dysfunction and learning how to code all over again ON TOP OF everything else i have to do right now i think it would send me over the edge
#barking snarling gnashing my teeth etc etc#mobile users are probably confused lmao#anyway i hate the way it looks i hate the way it feels i hate that nobody wanted it and nobody likes it and yet its still here#i hate that the reason it isnt being updated anymore is because the fucking moderators of this site were SELLING BANS TO TERFS#i hate that the people running this site despise trans women and trans people in general#i hate that my right to exist has become a subject of debate#i hate feeling like a bystander because trying to fight back against it could lead to me getting outed#i hate all of it#and all this hate is only a shield to hide just how fucking scared i am#because im so fucking scared#with the way the world is i feel like i'll be in the closet forever#i'm suffocating in here#tomothy rambles#vent
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I'm sad today but I can't cry for some reason so
Imma just link songs that make my brain go djis8ekeeikeke9sks so I hope imma feel better and hope you feel good too
everyone thank Imai for music that makes me feel like I am a washing machine
I love it jdiskemeokekwksmsoowowkekejejwn I love BT :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((<(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍💜💜💜❤️❤️💜❤️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍👁️👁️🤍👁️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️❤️☹️❤️❤️🥹🤍💙🥹💙💙🤍💙💙🤍
some other stuff that make me go nrenejnenene actually idk what that last song is i found it in spotify and it kind of kills ms for some reason but like in a what the hell way. like its kinda good but its not idk its good
uwuwhejwjejwjwjei3iej3jj2jwjejjejejejejejejejeijekke like seriously what do you do when you feel frustrated but cant seem to let it out. imsmsmsmksmekskekejejekejejejejejejejejejjeieieiejjeoeiejejiwiwjwheje i feel so helpless omg.
usually j private these posts but idk maybe it will help me fele better if i post thid but also what tje fuck am i doing and what the fuxk is wrong with me
Sorry please dont care about this
i just idk who to talk to and i cant even explain anything i feel even if somebody listens so imma just scream into the void today
but please dont feel sorry and dont care jm just gonna have my period or some shit but i feel sad andd d notjing takeeess it awas todayysyyyyyyyyyyyy
dmdkdkdkkeororo4o4p4p3oo3o3keo4o4oo3o3o3o3o3oo3o3o3o3oo3o4o4o4orkkrorororkrkrkkrororo4kroro4k3ii3oroeo4oeoeori94949499494o394o4o39299393oei3i3ieiei3i
i want to boop a snooott :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
please boop my snoot :((((((((
im not drunk im just clinically insane
i just want to feel reckless once and act on impulse so imma just Post this
#sorry im just lonely and wanna let it out i#miss my mom and#i miss sushi#and i miss a lot of ppl actually and#i miss being happy but i cant even#remember#how that feels#i feel like im getting there#but some days i feel so paralyzed like#theres nothing for me here left#but i will continue but im#sad today#thats all#i wannango home#but idk where that is#i feel soo suffocated whs the fuck cant i cry#I#want to have friends#iam tired of being so lonels#i want someone to hug me im so#so#so lonels#i want to hug my mom#huabaha actually now im kinda crying this is working#AhshshsjjsjJa i want to scereeeam but its 1 am#I wish i wouldnt have to muffle all ms sorrow into my pillow i#i want to be a person i#am sick of just lurking around and#making everyone forget me#and i want someone to remember me and thats 30 tags so thats all i want today i guess
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if i dont move to nyc or london or paris by age 27 what is the point of anything
#i looooove my city so much you guys like if i wasnt who i am (queer) rn i would be so fucking glad that i am in my current city but#i loooove art and history and fashion and stuff and this citymight be about second best for all that but its still soo crowded#people WILL judge no matter what you wear something cutesy and people dont shut up especially when ur 16 and tagging along with your mom to#the mall or something and everyone just stares and even among your classmates ive been complimented so many times#for my unique style or whatever (aka i have beaded shoelaces and wear lots of jewelery and absurd ass eyeliner) and theyre like oh#n******** is so fancy itni stylish bandi hai woh and its so attention grabbing but i dont want it to be a big deal !!!#i want to like 20 badges and wear insane makeup and dye my hair without calling much attention to myself!!!#of course i know that will change slowly as you go in to uni and meet ppl of your type instead of a bazaar market and youll pick ur own#friends who r like minded but considering this is india how many people can you truly find.#also my next two years are going to be spent in a college for jee and neet kids#you can wear what you want theres no dress code but you have to appear serious studious and simple if you want to be taken seriously#elle woods at harvard law type#i asked my mom to get an industrial & second lobe piercing and actual dyed hair and shes like turn twenty get into a good college then do#not bc she minds she allowed me to get my hair dyed at age 13 but to go in th college im going to there is SO SO much rigour#and if you dont show yourself as professional and shit they will keep you in lower effort self study classes instead of best of the best#i KNOW how difficult moving abroad is bc my family does not have that money i need to do it myself its so so expensive bc the money#itself has such a high value compared to here (you see americans cribbing abt 30$ hourly wage but here that is 2500inr)#2500 inr is as much as an expensive pair of jeans here. expensive clothes here r 30$ and in usa its 300$ . see the diffence#im changing topics so much but sometimes i do feel this place is suffocating#its a priviledge i have that i can even think about going abroad comapred to other indians but still#dp you get what i mean#and ik movies and all are very romanticised so it might not even be this way in western cities and just an idealisation but still#if things change around here then the entire question of going anywhere is out the window anyway#smalltown boy will byers moment#dni if you read all this and plan on replying unless ur a close mutual (close mutuals u know who u are)#also if someone says why would you want to go to usa uk paris when they colonised your country shut up <3 shut up very much <3
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what is wrong with my dad i hope he dies man wtf😭
#tickets didn't get confirmed so he's like gaadi se aa jao??? bc akal nahi hai kya car se aayi aisi journey jisme train se 12 hr lagte hai#mujhe nahi jana car is so suffocating and i feel sick and i hate trips longer than like 3 hours#and what am i supposed to do for so fucking in the car ill go fucking insane i was literally folding clothes and thinking what am i even#doing with my life why am i alive i need to kill myself end it all its all pointless#the only way to stop these thoughts is being busy and studying doesn't help and watching 5 hours of netflix doesn't help#now im supposed to be alone with my thoughts and my phone and my depressing music#and be anxious in the car all the time because he is mad at me cause i haven't been studying so idk what he'll do when i get there#probably make me drop out of those tuis or be like you stay here with me in the middle of nowhere#great just fucking grand
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maglor
#maglor#:3#feeling horrible very bad no good sorry#no quality posts today or in the foreseeable future#i'm either out in the park or suffocating and trying not to think of Exams and Projects and how useless i am#and i want to post something#so here you all go#i guess
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the fact that most people in a relationship either met their partner at work or on a dating app makes me want to scream my lungs off. no way i’m letting personal life get in the way with my job AND dating apps sound like literal hell + they’re, as a matter of principle, such a turn off. exposing myself through a virtual shop window and making the effort to sound interesting enough after a bunch of texts is so. i’d rather get shot. and i’m not saying it because i’m a hopeless romantic, quite the contrary, actually. i don’t believe in love at first sight either so it’s not like i’m hoping to meet the love of my life at a coffee shop wattpad style. if i have to be completely honest, i just want to have sex — not in a casual way, not in a committed way, but a secret third thing. don’t even try to mention therapy im going to kill you on the spot.
#i want to experience intimacy so bad but the idea alone makes me want to throw up#i made huge steps but when it comes to romance and sex#i’m still stuck#i made no improvements whatsoever#truth is i’m less interested in this kind of stuff than the avarage person#truth is maybe i’m just lying to myself#am i?#i wonder.#idk sometimes i feel like i completely skipped a fundamental part of my life growing up#and there’s not coming back#being in a relationship sounds suffocating#i struggle with intimacy even when it comes to friendship#i may look like the most easygoing welcoming lovely open and genuine person#but it’s simply just a lie#i will never allow anyone to See me#there’s nothing here but a huge gap#i don’t know how to fill#the transition period between childhood and adulthood is a black hole of nothing#it’s pathetic! my lack of experience is embarrassing#no matter how much i try to convince myself there’s still time!
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alright i need a break, see ya
#tumblr feels weird#it's like i'm invisible. i get three-four likes on vent posts while i am suffocating right there#it's like i'm screaming in the void for help and all i see are people awkwardly making thumb ups at me#and ultimately why would anyone care. i am a stranger. and it's not fun to read people going through strong emotions#yet it feels even worse bc i have made efforts not do be negative on here. and to always help people who needs it. and no one cares#except maybe two of you . which is worse bc i can't bother the same two people forever so...#i'm going to go lie down and cry a little. will feel better tomorrow i guess.#sibe vents
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I feel. So very very. Bad.
#tw eating disorder#tw gender dysphoria#and yearning? haven’t yearned in a while#figuring out more about my gender has enlightened and empowered me a lot#but it’s also made me feel a lot more isolated too#it feels like I’m not trans enough for trans people#because I don’t really want top surgery or even to go on t (at least not right now)#like I’m not queer enough#but I’m queer enough that I’m undesirable to straight cis folks probably…#like I feel like I’m learning so much more about who I am but that person feels so completely… undesirable#and I hate myself for so many other reasons— I am NOT the person who’s going to love myself even if nobody else wants me#so I’m just here#I’m too much and not enough#lifelong local foreigner#the eternal outsider#and I’m sure that there are plenty of other people like me! who also feel this way!#but it doesn’t make it less suffocating
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aaaaaaAAAAAAAA
#god. i cannot stand the thought of staying in the greater vanc ouver area sometimes. i feel like im in population density hell.#maybe its just because i am living in a hellhole of a house right now but im in a full on nostalgia deepdive for my time in alberta#i miss the quiet in the suburbs and i miss taking art classes at acad :(#the fan convention here sucks ass too c.c.e.e was the shit#ugh. idk. i think i needed it both times for different reasons when i moved to calg ary and when i moved back to bc again.#but downtown van culture has absolutely no draw for me anymore. it did when i was younger and now i kinda miss how chill and quiet cal. was.#it feels kinda suffocating being crammed in with this many people around me. and i miss the winters.#i dont know. locations are fake actually i am pulling all my friends through a portal with me wherever i go
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elton johns music is so fucking beautiful and heart wrenching and it makes me want to cry and i hate that i can’t like allow myself to emote to his music normally because if i cried over elton john then my mom would win. and so many things in my life are like if i x then my mom would win and i can’t do that. Lol
#purrs#w the elton john thing it’s bc she is an elton john megafan and cries over him every time she hears one of his songs or like sees a social m#media post from him lol so it’s like… if i cry over elton john too then she will have… idk. it’s not her succeeding in making me a clone of#her or whatever it’s like this weird thing where i can’t actually do what my mom wants me to do or like what my mom wants me to like even wh#when they align w things i genuinely want / like to do bc then… i’ll be more vulnerable to her? we’ll have a reason to bond? idk. i don’t t#think that’s it i don’t know why im struggling to put it into words but it squicks me out. so here i am standing in her room w my siblings b#Bc she called us all in to watch 2 marching bands perform a tribute to him in a giant stadium and she’s crying and i am genuinely moved by t#the performance and she wouldn’t even see if i cried but im standing there fighting back tears and hating myself and not understanding why#but i wish my mom was like. more normal about elton john. its not bad at all that she loves him so much it’s just… weird and suffocating fo#for me and it would be cool to find my own connection to his music without feeling u comfortable because i grew up having to call him#uncle elton and her dancing with us to his songs. lol. cringeeee childhood memories i guess idk#delete later#like literally goodbye yellow brick road is the single most devastating piece of music ever created.
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