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a-sirens-melody · 4 years ago

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Darkwing Duck’s Greatest Enemy: Type 1 Diabetes (And Definitely Not Self Loathing)

Quick author's note: Launchpad switches between he/they throughout the fic, just so no one gets confused! If you have any questions abt diabetes, feel free to ask me. With that said, enjoy!

***

So far, tonight has gone really well.

It's date night, and this time they're spending it eating takeout from Hamburger Hippo and watching Darkwing Duck at Launchpad's place. Wrappers lay on the floor, ignored in favor of watching Darkwing kick Megavolt’s ass on screen.

Drake is currently leaning into Launchpad's side on the couch, his partner’s arm wrapped around his waist. It all feels so cozy and domestic that he never wants it to end.

And then, because Drake must have seriously pissed off some powerful being in a past life, it happens.

Megavolt’s face becomes blurry, and it's a little harder to focus on the TV. A quick look around the room tells him that, actually, it's hard to focus on anything right now. He knows what this means; he's gotten better at picking up on the signs after twenty-eight years of living with a half-functioning pancreas.

His blood sugar’s starting to drop.

He tries to close his eyes and listen instead, but the shake of his hands quickly corrects him. He is dropping and he needs to find something to eat. Even though he just ate, like, an hour ago.

Dammit.

“Drake?”

He opens his eyes and notices that the episode is paused. He hadn't even realized, he was so caught up in his symptoms. The second thing he notices is Launchpad looking right at him.

He guesses that they felt his shaking because there's concern in their eyes now. A brief wave of guilt sweeps over him and he almost misses their question. “Is your blood sugar low?”

He finds it's a little hard to form words right now (and that scares him, it always does), so he nods his head slightly and hums.

“I'm gonna go get you a juice box.”

The arm wrapped around him vanishes as LP gets up. He helps him lay down on the couch, head pillowed on the armrest. He's still cold without his boyfriend, though, so Drake can't help the small whine that escapes him. God, he sounds pathetic.

Launchpad's eyes soften and they lean down to kiss his forehead. “I'll be right back, okay?”

A little embarrassed, Drake nods and watches the other duck head to his fridge. He closes his eyes again and almost sighs in relief as he's met with darkness. You can't lose your focus if there's nothing to focus on in the first place.

Did that even make sense? Whatever. His brain’s not working properly right now.

The sounds of his partner rummaging through the shelves fill the air. Drake is reminded of earlier when things felt so domestic between them. It's only been a couple of months since they started dating, but Launchpad already feels like the home he never had.

Drake doesn't know how he got so lucky; sometimes it all feels like a dream.

Launchpad leaving is his worst nightmare. He knows he's being a little dramatic, but his anxiety gets the better of him sometimes. He's too much, too expensive, too-

“Found it!” Footsteps pull Drake out of his thoughts and he cracks his eyes open. Launchpad already tore off the wrapping on the plastic straw and stuck it in the box. He holds it out now and places it near Drake's beak. “Drink this, okay?”

He moves the straw into his mouth with a hum and starts sucking the juice down, only stunned for a second at the chill. Fruit punch, his mind distantly informs him. It's his favorite flavor, but he's too focused on getting it into his system to really appreciate it right now.

When the juice box is thoroughly drained, he gives his boyfriend a small smile. He feels like he can talk without sounding like he's drunk now, so he says, “thanks, LP.”

“Anytime,” is the warm reply he receives. If Drake was of sound mind, he would kiss Launchpad breathless and maybe, maybe, utter those three little words that have grown harder to ignore as of late.

I love you.

The words are barely on the tip of his tongue even now. Yikes, his filter's pretty weak already. He tries to stuff the words down by chewing on the straw. Struggling with one of the disadvantages of diabetes is not his ideal confession scenario. Besides, it's way too soon to say that. Right? Right.

“Didn't think you kept juice boxes in your fridge,” he says instead. Not only is he trying to distract himself from his low brain feelings, he's genuinely curious. He doesn't recall seeing any juice boxes in LP’s fridge the last time he was here, and their favorite flavor is apple.

“Nah. Not for myself, at least.” They smile fondly at him. “I remembered that it's your favorite flavor, though, and I wanted to have something for whenever you went low over here.”

Wait.

Launchpad bought those for him? Specifically for him? And remembered his favorite flavor from a conversation they had three months ago when they asked Drake what he usually ate when his blood sugar went low?

That's...

“That's really sweet of you, LP. Thanks.” He says, because he's not really sure what to say. It's such a small act of kindness, something he's not used to, and he doesn't know how to deal with the sudden warmth in his chest.

He's too low for this. Feeling more intense emotions is a very frequent symptom of his when he's low, that's what this is. Yeah. Definitely.

His boyfriend's smile turns shy. “You don't have to thank me. Whatever helps you the most. Speaking of which, do you want me to bring your kit over here? I mean, obviously you feel low, but. Better to have an exact number, right?” Launchpad rambles, hand reaching to brush through the hair at the back of his neck.

That's a good point, actually. He has to be in the 40’s if he's feeling this bad. “Yes, please.”

Launchpad reaches to the side of his couch where Drake's bag is. Inside is his blood sugar kit (complete with a pricker, replaceable barrels, meter, test strips, insulin, and syringes), various small snacks in case he goes low when he's out, and a glucagon. He really hopes that last item is not going to be needed tonight.

He probably shouldn't have dropped the bag there, but he wanted to start their date. Can you really blame him?

The kit is found and placed onto the couch. Drake starts to reach for it, but suddenly there's a hand covering his.

“Can I check you, please?” He looks up and finds Launchpad staring at him. “I don't- if you don't want me to touch your stuff, I get it, but. You feel bad. So will you let me do it?”

You...want to help me? You don't want me to do this on my own?

“Sure. Just ask if you dunno what goes where, okay?” Drake says, thankful that his voice is somewhat steadier than his hands.

His partner nods and gets to work. They asked once how everything in the kit worked so Drake laid it all out and taught him. It felt nice having someone who wanted to listen to him talk about diabetes stuff.

He hears the test strip bottle close with a pop and the pricker calibrate with a ca-click. Just as Launchpad asks, he holds out a finger and lets his mind drift.

It's really not something he's used to, having someone around that he trusts will take care of him. For as long as he can remember, Drake could only rely on himself to get through whatever diabetic crisis he faced.

He was eight when he was diagnosed. At first, his parents did most of the hard work. He picked up on checking his blood sugar pretty quickly, but they would manage all his carb ratios and injections.

Then, they just sort of…stopped. Like they had only done it for him in the first place because he was too young to fully understand. By the time he was thirteen, he did pretty much everything on his own. So much so that more often than not on the tri-monthly visits to his endocrinologist, the car ride would be spent drilling his parents on what the past three months had been like.

Not that they ever told him they didn't care or want to care to his face. No, Drake had just picked up on it. But the night he overheard them talking about medical expenses was a particularly rude awakening.

He couldn't sleep for some reason and decided to watch some Darkwing Duck. He barely made it out of his bedroom when he heard voices.

“Why's everything gotta be so damn expensive!?”

Ah. His dad was looking at bills. So much for a DW marathon in peace and quiet. Drake had one foot back in his bedroom when he heard his mother reply.

“It doesn't really help that our current bank account looks like that, either…”

Forget going back to bed, his curiosity was peaked. He stayed still, straining to hear.

He wished he hadn't at what he heard next.

“Yeah, well, having a defective kid ain't cheap. Why couldn't you have had a normal one?”

To this day, he still remembers how his heart sank to his stomach.

Defective.

Is that why they stopped helping? Why, at age sixteen, it was unspoken knowledge that Drake managed everything on his own? They didn't see a literal child in need, they saw a column of dollar signs. A black hole that sucked up all their cash and never gave it back.

His mom stayed quiet, and that hurt even more. She didn't care, either. Neither one of them did.

They were both selfish assholes that only cared about the alcohol they could've had stocked in their kitchen.

He cried himself to sleep that night, mourning the days when he could still trust his parents to take care of him and wishing he didn't have to live like this. If no one wanted to help him, he’d suck it up on his own. No one wanted to take care of him? Fine. Drake Mallard didn't need anyone else. He was better off on his own.

Those horrible feelings crash over him like a tidal wave now, twenty years later, and he doesn't know why they're here but he's overwhelmed by it all.

Why can't he just have a normal body? Why does his condition have to be so expensive and annoying and miserable sometimes? Why does he have to be so dependent on people when he tells himself that he’s better off working alone, when no one in his life has loved him enough to care anyway?

There's a price tag on his head (not just physical, because diabetes is a greedy little bitch), and it's only a matter of time until Launchpad figures this out. He won't want to stay up late to keep checking, to keep buying syringes or insulin or tests strips. He won't stay forever, and it's all Drake's fault, for getting so attached and having a broken, shitty body.

“Drake? Did I do something wrong?”

He blinks. There are tears in his eyes, a few of which have spilled down his cheeks.

“Uh,” his voice cracks. He wipes away the tears with his other hand. “No. N-no, you didn't do anything wrong. What were you doing?”

Launchpad cocks his head to the side and squints in concern. He knows there's more to Drake's answer, but he doesn't push yet. “I pricked your finger and put the blood in. You didn't even flinch, but I thought that was ‘cause you're used to this. Was there another reason?”

“I'm sorry.” And before Launchpad can start to ask for what? with his mouth already open, Drake rushes to say, “I'm sorry that out of all the people you could date, you got stuck with a chronically ill mess like me. You deserve a normal partner, and god you have no idea how badly I wish I was, but I'm not. I'll always be a burden and I know you won't want to stick around to deal with all the shit that comes with diabetes.

“Not that I don't want you to stay, please don't think that, but…” More tears fall and he brushes them aside, accidentally smearing blood on his feathers. “I’m not used to someone wanting to take care of me, and I don't want it to stop.”

He doesn't take his eyes off of Launchpad as he cries. If this were a cartoon, he would laugh at how quickly their expression changes. Confusion, concern, and realization flash across their face before their eyes soften again in concern.

“Baby,” they say, reaching out to cradle Drake's face. They gently wipe away the blood with their thumb, and Drake feels weak. Loving touches were something he was never given as a child, and it's taken some getting used to. It burns, unfamiliar and wonderful, every time Launchpad touches him. All he can do in this moment is lean into it and shut his eyes.

“Look at me, please?” He groans internally as he opens his eyes. Later, when his blood sugar isn't so low and he can properly think, he’ll recall the look on his boyfriend's face as determined. “I love you, so much. You're not a burden, and you never will be. Being with you is a new experience, sure, but it's a good one. It's not your fault your body's like this, and it doesn't make you any less amazing.

“Heck, if anything, it makes you even more so. You have to do more to stay healthy than most people, and you're really good at it! St. Canard is a better place with Darkwing Duck and Drake Mallard.” Launchpad leans in to kiss his forehead. “They were wrong, you're not unlovable.”

He's so gentle, so sweet, and it's all too much for Drake to wrap his mind around. Never mind the low, he's just heard what he's secretly always wanted to. He is good. He is loved. He...needs to know what his blood sugar actually was before he cries an entire ocean. One more thing, though.

“Uh,” seems like a good place to start as he scrambles to pick up the pieces of himself. He takes a shaky breath. “Thank you. Sorry I dumped all of that onto you, I don't know where it came from tonight, but. Thanks. I really needed that.”

LP still looks a little sad and it makes his heart hurt, but he bites down on his beak to avoid apologizing again. “No problem. Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere.” He strokes his cheek some more, and Drake sighs.

“This is nice and all, but,” his eyes dart to the meter still sitting in front of him. They got distracted for too long and now the little screen is dark. “Did you catch the number that showed up?”

“Buh?” Launchpad's eyes widen as he remembers what they were doing before. “Oh, dang it! Sorry! Do I need to do it again, or-”

Eh, they probably should, but Drake doesn't want to. It hasn't been too long anyways, maybe five minutes? He’ll be fine. “No, you're good, just press the button with the arrows. All the pricks get stored so you can look at them later.”

Any distress on their face is quickly replaced by a beaming smile. “Neat!” They do as Drake asked, and a number pops up: 46.

“Lovely,” Drake groans. “And I just ate. Maybe I just took too much insulin. Or am I getting sick? If I can't keep anything down in the next hour, I swear-”

LP snapping his fingers in his face pulls him away from his rambling. “Hello? Earth to Drake Mallard. I dunno what made you low, but we gotta fix it first. Would more juice work?”

Oh yeah. Hm, more juice or something else? Even though he feels exhausted, going to sleep is a bad idea. He's gotta stay up until he's back in range, so…

“Actually, do you have any Pep?” Launchpad tilts his head and furrows his brow as Drake explains. “Normally I wouldn't ask, but I think something with that much sugar would really help. Plus, the caffeine will keep me awake.”

They look less confused now, but their head remains tilted slightly. “There's not that much caffeine in Pep, though.”

“You forget I don't drink the regular Peps nearly as often as you do, LP.” The last time he actually had one was...ten years ago? They work great for treating a low quickly and that's the only time he ever cares to drink them. It's not worth the extra insulin or highs to try to look normal.

“Oh yeah! So you're not used to the sugar.” He nods. “Okay, be right back.” Launchpad takes about twenty seconds to get a Pep and come back to Drake. The tab's already open. “Uh, do you need to drink the whole thing right now?”

He really shouldn't, the juice is probably still processing. Still, it's very tempting to chug the entire thing just to put more sugar in his body. But he wants his blood sugar to be normal, not sky high. “No, I'll probably drink half of it right now. Thank you.” He takes the Pep and sips, blinking at the sheer amount of sugar flooding his taste buds.

The fact that most people drink enough of this stuff to where they hardly notice it boggles his mind. Not that the diet stuff is really healthier, but it's definitely a different taste.

Guess he's pulling a graveyard shift tonight. But at least he's with Launchpad.

(That's the other thing about drinking regular sodas; he gets really hyper. Last time, he couldn't fall asleep until exactly two am. Being tired but unable to sleep is the absolute worst feeling, and you can't change Drake's mind.)

Now that he can think a little more clearly, he realizes something.

“I can't drive like this,” he says. Driving with a low blood sugar is really dangerous, and not his usual kind. It's the kind of dangerous that could get himself, or someone else, or even both, killed. “And I'm definitely not walking home anytime soon, so. Guess our date’s been extended?”

Launchpad blinks at him, then claps his hands together and grins. “You're staying overnight! I mean, I wish it was under better circumstances, obviously, but. Yay!” He rocks on his heels before catching himself and looking away, a faint blush appearing on his face. “Anyways, is there anything else you need?”

Drake's about to reply not right now, thank you, but then he realizes something that's actually pretty important.

“Wait, since I'm staying here tonight, could I use your bathroom really quick? I, uh, need to take my binder off,” he admits. He’d forgotten it was even there until he remembered wait, you need to take that off before you go to sleep. He put it on about a half hour after he woke up, which was at noon, and it's midnight now so...oops. It's past time to take it off.

His boyfriend nods. “Yeah, no worries! Do what you gotta do. Wait.” His brow furrows. “You need me to help you over there?”

“I,” he falters. “Wouldn't mind it if you did.” The sugar's kicking in now, but he still doesn't trust himself. Given how clumsy he is? Better safe than sorry.

Launchpad holds his arms as he walks to the bathroom. He closes the door, Launchpad sitting in front of it just in case, and turns to the mirror. His shirt hits the floor, soon followed by his binder. A sigh of relief fills the air as he folds it. He hadn't realized how long he'd been wearing it. Tomorrow will have to be a skip day just to stay on the safe side.

(Hormones aren't a concern; he's not on them right now and is perfectly fine with that. The cost of that and insulin would be hard to juggle, anyways.)

He opens the door to find Launchpad staring at him, and he smiles shyly. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Launchpad smiles back, and holds out his hand. Drake takes it and pulls his boyfriend to his feet. They walk back to the couch together. “So, what are we doing? You can't go to sleep until your blood sugar's back up and we were in the middle of an episode of Darkwing Duck.”

“I like the way you think,” Drake teases. “So long as you check every now and then to make sure I haven't fallen asleep yet.” He sits down in his original spot.

“Whatever you need,” they reply, and sit down next to him. They wrap their around his waist and Drake leans into their side as he tries to find the remote. It occurs to him just then that there's still something he hasn't said yet. Something bigger than “thank you.”

He taps LP on the shoulder. They turn to look at him and oh no, he's already flustered. “I just. You said you, uh, loved me earlier and I wanted to say that, that I love you too.” His face is burning, and he got quieter at the end, but at least it’s out in the open now.

Launchpad’s eyes soften and he tilts his head close enough to kiss Drake. It's a quick peck, but sweet nonetheless. When he pulls away, he's smiling. “You're wonderful, you know that?”

Drake only blushes more and buries his face in Launchpad's chest. He can feel Launchpad chuckle and oh. Oh, that's really nice. He likes that a lot. He would stay right here, but the sounds of the Darkwing Duck episode are a siren song that never fails to lure him in.

They stay there, watching episode after episode and Launchpad checking in every so often. By the time Drake's blood sugar has gone back to normal, he stops watching and starts really thinking about the events of the night.

He doesn't have to do this on his own anymore. Someone actually wants to take care of him now.

He is loved. Really, truly loved. And he’ll never let Launchpad go.

#IT WORKS ON MOBILE #thank you god #anyways tada!!#ducktales #darkwing duck #drakepad #drake mallard #launchpad mcquack #my writing #drake has t1d the fic basically #and really bad parents but that's not new

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highjinks · 3 years ago

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I bought the wine I’m drinking because it reminded me of you - in a very odd, backwards kind of way. How befitting that it tastes like all the cheap wine I drank in attempts to forget you. I stopped drinking for a long time. But here I am, midnight on a Tuesday night, drinking a bottle of wine by myself in the dark of my dining room.

My grandmother is dying. I know this shouldn’t come as a surprise to me being she’s in her mid-eighties and has, on more than one occasion, expressed to me at her most lucid that she was ready to die. When I was told she was sick and “had no fight,” I was not surprised. She wanted to go. She hasn’t been the same since her mother - my great-grandmother - passed eleven years ago. My grandmother became a shell of the vivacious and audacious woman who danced with her arms in the air and told men how it was. Her mother was her heart.

It bothers me most that all this time later, with years between us, when the shadows emerge from their corners, I think of you. I’m not sure if I associate you with the unknown or the pits of my insides, but I know when I feel that feeling bubble up to the surface, fizzing inside of my mouth and vibrating my bones, I think of you. The stale taste of vomit. The horrendous taste of this cheap wine. It all melts together into small fragments that remind me of you in the most grotesque way.

I was voted to write my grandmother’s obituary. I wasn’t asked but told. Maybe this is why I can’t sleep. Maybe I can’t sleep because I’ve yet to see my grandmother in the hospital. Maybe I can’t sleep because I was handed a box filled with pearls and told to hide them for their protection. Maybe I can’t sleep because my cousin and I looked at each other and said we are anticipating fights among the family members. Death can be cathartic, but people forget catharsis is not always positive.

I’ve learned recently I may not grieve as expected. I expected to be much more upset about this - to be crying and making myself tiny on the couch, like my aunts and mother. I thought I would be pacing my floors, biting my nails and pulling at my cuticles. But I’ve been going into work, despite my boss’s protests, and I’ve been stone cold, sitting and listening but not reacting. No reactions. Just exhaustion. Sometimes I notice I’m not present in the moment. I look around and think, “Oh - this doesn’t feel real. Something is off here.” I read my name recently on a piece of paper - my full name - and didn’t identify with it for a few moments. Right now, I feel as if I am not actually here. A bubble. Floating.

I’m moving to Denver. I have 2 months to sell my house and move. Sam and I both have jobs. I’ve never lived anywhere but here, but I decided I owe it to my younger self to attempt to move to a large city. I’m not even entirely sure I’ll like it. I’m not sure Sam will either. I haven’t told my father, and I’m afraid of his reaction. At the same time, I don’t care.

I had a goal to make 6 figures before I was 40. I’m achieving this at 30. I’m looking at half million dollar homes. And while this isn’t necessarily a thing to boast of, I was the kid who wore shirts that had two different sleeve lengths because they were cheaper. I had patches on my jeans. I had friends point out the holes in my underwear when I was a little girl, scrunch their noses up at me and ask, “Ew. Why?” I was the kid whose dad, the janitor, shook vending machines and stole the snacks so his kids had something to eat.

That embarrassment, the constant reminder I had no money for the majority of my life feels vindicated as I tell my realtor I can up my budget if need be. Asking for a 4-5 bedroom house, fireplaces, soaking tubs. We will see if I actually can find it and if I have weight in the market. And I know my family looks at me now with a different kind of respect, which makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I’m awake because of that.

Maybe I’m awake because my husband is already picking out $3000 appliances for our new kitchen, saying, “They’re worth it.”

But I mostly think I’m awake because I have to write my grandmother’s obituary for the newspapers. I never thought it would be me.

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thebraingremlinsaremad · 3 years ago

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Daily Blog #15: August 22, 2021

Dollar Tree is honestly pretty fucking awesome 👌👌👌

I set my alarm for like 6:25 this morning, but it took 6 minutes for the "Horsin' Around" theme song instrumental to wake me up. I was pretty tired lol. I just dismissed it and went back to sleep.

I only went back to sleep because I knew I had another alarm set for 7:00. That got me up.

I should mention that this was still in the RV over an hour away from the house.

After I got up, I went to go get a shower, and did so successfully.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten my brush this time and had to do it afterwards after my hair had a bit of time to dry, which did make it a little more difficult lol.

I got dressed and grabbed my stuff, putting it into my car.

I made it a point to see and say "see you later" to my grandparents before I left for the flea market.

My dad insisted that I stayed to say goodbye to my mom, so I left.

I did NOT have cell service up there, as was mentioned in my previous 2 blogs of which I could only post today, so finding my way was a tiny bit difficult until I got some service to ask Google to take me to "...".

It worked and I got there.

On my drive, I listened to 1 by Simple Kid, a CD I had previously purchased at a Dollar Tree location.

I got a call from the guy at the flea market saying that I had some people there waiting for me. He asked how far away I was, to which I said "about 10 minutes." Ironically, that call made me miss my exit, as Google couldn't talk during the call, and added about 3 minutes to my arrival time lmao.

I did sell the Xbox that he said someone was interested in. I got $40 for it. I spent 27¢ on it. Pretty good return if you ask me.

I couldn't sell it with anything other than a power cord because the controller and AV cables I had been using to play it there were for my personal console. I'm just glad I can actually hook my Xbox up and stop having to drag them to the flea market along with a small library of games.

Not too long after I sold the Xbox, someone came in and asked if I wanted to see some electronics he had in his car. I went out with him. It was a pair of 3ft speakers and a Pioneer audio system with dual cassette decks (although neither of them works) and a 25 Disc CD-changer, as well as the standard AM/FM tuner. Additionally, there was a Fisher amplifier and AM/FM tuner as well as a Fisher Direct Drive turntable. He said he wanted $60 for em, but before that he casually, and probably accidentally, dropped that he was just gonna take em to the thrift store.

Big mistake.

I got em for $35 lmao. THERE GOES MOST OF MY PROFIT.

Oh well.

I tested everything. As I mentioned, the cassette decks don't work, but everything else does apart from the turntable needing a new stylus.

I posted some new photos of the shop to Facebook, and someone soon DMed me about a stereo system.

I priced everything, and it turns out I have about $300 worth of equipment from that deal, the Fisher amp and tuner being worth about $150.

The buyer will hopefully show up next weekend, for he wants to buy the Fisher stuff ($185 with the turntable), the 3ft speakers, an 8-track deck, and a Kenwood deck we've had for a week or two.

The speakers are listed for $50 (and are worth around $100-150), the Kenwood Deck for $50 as well, and the 8-track for $35. That makes it about $320 in equipment. Since he's buying so much, I'll knock it down to $270 and essentially give him the speakers or cassette deck for free lol.

Apart from that stuff, not much happened at the flea market. I sold some records, cassettes, CDs and I think 2 DVDs. One person bought a VHS tape? That money was the other guy's though. Oh well xD.

I can't say that I didn't miss my wonderful partner while on the trip. I actually brought along the stuffed animal they gave me (who's name is Greg) and snuggled with him both nights.

I was very happy to hear from them UwU.

They let me rant and I let them rant.

I honestly give them too much responsibility over me xD. I'm like, "Okay, I'm gonna do this. HOLD ME TO IT."

I know I can't hold myself to anything I personally say (this blog being the only exception apparently), but I listen to them pretty well I think 🤔. If they tell me, "No, you don't need that VCR," so long as it's not some weird specialty thing, like a worldwide VCR 🥵, I'll be like "Yeah, you rite bro."

I love you man xD. You control my craziness pretty well. I'm so thankful for you UwU.

#relationshipgoals

So part way through the flea market day, I went over to Dollar Tree to buy some snack, but ended up looking through the CDs to see if there was anything good. I took photos of about 18 CDs and flipped through them online for the remainder of the flea market day.

I deleted the photos of the ones I didn't want and kept those that I liked. Surprisingly, I ended up buying 13 CDs there, but not before dropping them on the floor like the dumbass I am.

Also, sorry for all the nerd shit I spilled on your lap earlier. No one cares about amps and tuners xD.

I'M LISTENING TO ONE OF THE DOLLAR TREE CDS RIGHT NOW THO.

I already transferred over to my online library on iBroadcast and put the disc into my CD changer, which is now holding 164 CDs.

Its max capacity is 300 discs 🥵

WHY AM I NERD

Oh well

I like being a nerd gurl

Also maybe a technosexual 👀

I get really excited over some electronics. Like. REALLY excited.

Some editing VCRs are like "Holy shit that is SEXY. Look at those goddamn VU meters 🥵. And hhhh there are like 7 inputs on this thing and individual controls for left and right audio gain, not to mention Hi-Fi S-VHS recording. Hhhhhhhhhhh please gimme 😭. Why are you so expensive?"

I uh, mean, uh, *cough* look, pretty lights.

Oh yeah, I was gonna say the album I was listening to xD. MAN I GOT SIDETRACKED.

It's 37 Everywhere by Punchline. Def give it a listen; it's pretty heccin good.

Another notable album I picked up was Page One by Steven Page. I very much like the first track, "A New Shore." It's quite catchy and he has a great voice imo.

Also at dollar tree, I bought a regular bag of Fieras and 2 bags of Fieras Sticks, which were marked down to 75¢/bag because they're expiring soon.

I honestly like the generic Dollar Tree version of Takis more than actual Takis. They're a lot more flavorful when it comes to the lime, but also hotter at the same time.

Don't get the hot nacho ones tho. Hot nacho? More like hot pile of shit.

HAH

Goteem.

They're not that good xD.

THE REGULAR ONES ARE FIRE THO

"How do you do fellow kids?"

I got home and started working on putting the CDs onto my computer, and then onto iBroadcast, but not without first adding The Music Man to my digital library, something I had neglected for a month or two. The CD had just been sitting there lol.

I also switched my digital file for "The Black Parade" to that of the uncensored CD, which I had purchased before I event started working over 2 months ago.

MAN I'M LAZY

I eventually get around to shit tho lol. I guess it's just a matter of priority.

What usually takes priority is digging through everything to find something that I forgot about but then remembered, making a mess in the process that I would then have to clean up, at least partially.

I think the album just ended. I've been writing for a while xD. I'ma start "I Made You Something" by The Island of the Misfit Toys.

I'll tell you where that album came from in a minute.

In the meantime, where was I?

I kinda lost my train of thought despite reading up to see where I was. Oh well. On I go.

I ate dinner and kept working on those CDs, eventually putting my clothes from the week into the washer.

I FORGOT TO PUT MY SHAPING UNDERWEAR IN. FUCKING HELL MAN.

I wanted to wash em for this week 😭

No tight pants for Leonna I guess qwq.

Meanwhile, the box of my CD album cases is overflowing. I need another box.

I keep all of the album artworks in a big CD folder. That's almost full.

I wanna fill my entire CD changer. That's one of my big goals in life. Idk why, but I just wanna legitimately fill the entire thing.

My clothes are in the dryer now. I don't think I have the time (or energy) to fold them tonight. I'll leave that for tomorrow morning before work.

And God. Fucking. Damnit. I start school again on Wednesday. NOT looking forward to that, and neither are my 2 coworkers. We already have low enough staff, but only the two of them working is gonna be a pain in the ass.

I'll still work Saturdays.

I need to contact my guidance counselor to get out of the gym class I signed up for. I scheduled this shit before I found out I was trans, and I don't wanna deal with the fucking locker room situation 🙄 I have far more important matters.

Okay so anyway, the album I'm listening to came from a cassette. I bought this cassette a few months ago at the flea market along with a few others. The reason I bought them? They were all newer cassette releases from the 2010's, and they're all actually pretty good music from very indie bands.

Currently getting mad at iBroadcast's compression algorithm. It's unnaturally fucking anything over -10db up. Oh well, there's not really anything I can do about it.

I have like 13GB of music on my phone btw. That's about 3.5k songs on 268 albums.

I'm kind of an audiophile, but I'm too cheap to pay for a lossless service. Oh well.

They do actually have a lossless service on iBroadcast, but once again, too cheap.

Someone just sent me a friend request who legitimately posted that BLM and the democratic party are hate groups.

BLOCK.

Goodbye ho.

I don't get that. They call the democratic party a hate group when they hate people like me, and I, being more of a democrat although not fully because the 2-party system is fucked, think nothing more of them than they're very wrong about certain things, especially, as shown, that black people, as well as asian, Indian, native, and people of all ethnicities and backgrounds, are not equal to white people.

Yeh.

Totally.

You go buddy.

Anyway, yeah, I can, and do, convert music and video from analog formats to digital files in order for me to archive and listen to whenever and wherever I please. I've actually made a bit of a business out of it, but I don't get too much work from it. At least I'm not overloading myself xD.

I honestly have so much more to say, but I should probably go to sleep soon.

A few final shoutouts to the following people and companies:

-Dollar Tree

-Steven Page

-Broken World Media

-The Island of Misfit Toys

-Simple Kid

-Punchline

-My incredible partner QwQ I love you so much. Thanks for being the best all the time. I hope I can give you the best life ever.

Anyway I suppose this is goodnight. Lmk if you want a full list of the CDs I bought today! I'll link that song by Steven Page here.

And here's a good song from Simple Kid

I really like music lol. Enjoy these pieces.

Anyway, goodnight lol.

Lots of love,

-Leonna.

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dansantat · 5 years ago

Photo

44 (The Annual Birthday Rant)

THE BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT I EVER RECEIVED FROM A STRANGER

What I’m about to tell you all happened about twelve days ago.

I was walking outside of my local grocery store when an African American man approached me. He slowly approached with a wide grin on his face and was dressed in an old brown secondhand suit that was a few sizes too big. Although his physique indicated he was maybe ten to fifteen years older than me he looked much older and worn. He had a story to tell

“Now, I’m not gonna hurt cha,” the man said.

I stood and smiled hesitantly.

“How can I help you?” I asked.

“You probably don’t remember me, but we met before… a few years back.”

I searched through my mind, but found nothing. “Oh really? Where did we meet? A book store event? A school?”

The man stopped his approach. He stood safely about ten feet away.

“We met here.”

My mind still drew a blank.

“Anyway, sir, I don’t want to take up too much of your time…. But I wanted to give you this…”

He reached into the pocket of his oversized suit and slowly pulled out a healthy wad of nicely folded cash.

And then in that instant. I remembered.

It happened two years ago in 2017. I bought groceries and was carrying the bags to my car. A homeless African American man wearing tattered clothes hobbled with a limb over in my direction. He was in rough shape. He clearly hadn’t showered in weeks and his body appeared gaunt, and malnourished.

“Hey, man, I was wonderin’ if you could spare some change?” he asked.

I placed my groceries into the trunk of my car and pulled out my wallet. I had just gone to the ATM because I was going to go out to breakfast with some friends after dropping off the groceries at home.

I pulled out a $20 and gave it to the man. His eyes popped open wide and a huge grin crossed his face. I would typically only give a few dollars in a situation like this, but today was special.

“Aw, thank you, sir, I really appreciate it! God bless!”

Just as he was about to walk away I stopped him.

“Wait,” I hollered, “Hold up.”

The man turned and looked back at me. I paused for a moment thinking about what I was about to do.

“*sigh* Today’s your lucky day.” I said

I opened my wallet and gave him all the cash that was inside.

“Here. Take it all.”

The man was flabbergasted. “Wh-….. What?”

“You look like you need it way more than I do. There’s about $400 here… Just take it.”

“Wh…wh…why are you doing this?” he stammered

I paused for a moment. Was I really doing the right thing? You hear people tell you not to give money to homeless people because they’ll just go use that money to buy drugs or alcohol, but I proceeded with my decision, “It’s my birthday today, and every year I always make it a point to do something special for someone to make their day better, and today you’re the lucky person, I guess.”

The first time I ever decided to be generous on my birthday was at a local car wash on my 35th birthday. Now, I never found much value in the machines that car washing facilities provide. Those contraptions that you would drive your car though to get washed. It was simply a series of spray hoses and soap suds being lazily dragged over your car by a set of waving rags. The real cleaning job was done from the guy after that process. The guy who would drive your car off to a dry corner of the lot and scrub off those tough stains with a spray bottle and a towel. Here in LA, they were most likely illegal immigrants earning a measly wage just enough to get by here in Los Angeles (one of the most expensive cities in the country) The man who cleaned my car that day spent a half hour wiping off the dashboard, and the tires, and even parts of the door joints you wouldn’t normally expect a car wash employee to clean. The guy was cleaning my car better than I would have ever done myself, and when I approached the car it was absolutely immaculate.

The car wash was only $19.

That day, I gave the man $40.

He was so grateful he shook my hand with a smile, and in exchange I felt amazing. I helped make his day a good one and it was an absolutely wonderful feeling.

Ever since then I try to do something kind for someone on my birthday. It’s my gift to myself.

In the years following I would give $40 tips to waitresses, $60 tips to a trio of buskers, I once bought an entire box of candy from a kid who rang my doorbell trying to save up money for camp. That was about $75.

But this was $400. What the hell was I doing?

The man waved off the money. “$400?! That’s too much,” he responded, “I can’t accept all that! A dude gets stabbed on the streets carrying that kind of cash around”

“I want you to have it, and I don’t want to sound rude, but you look like you need this money way more than I do.”

He stood hesitant. His own pride was preventing him from taking the money.

“What are you doing with that much cash on you? You a doctor or something?”

“HAHA! No, but there was a time my parents wished I was.”

The man looked at me with a hint of suspicion.

“You’re crazy. How do you know I’m not gonna go use this to go buy crack or something like that?”

“HA HA! Are you?” I laughed. The thought of the possibility of my own hard earned money being used to buy illegal drugs was somewhat humorous to me at the time.

“N- NO! NO! I won’t! I promise! But are you sure you want to give me all this? I don’t even know you.”

I hesitated, half thinking for a split second that I would perhaps reconsider and just give him an extra $20, but what would an extra $20 do for a man who needed so much more help than that? What if he had enough money to change his course in life if he really wanted to? From that perspective, $400 seemed like just a drop in the bucket.

But maybe it was also a start?

“I’m not sure, but I know that no matter how you got into this situation, I know it’s not because you’re a bad person. You’ve probably just hit a string of bad luck.Hell, for all I know maybe you WILL blow all this money on booze and drugs, I don’t know… But what I am hoping, is that it gives you a chance to get back on your feet if you really want to…”

The man glanced back at the money.

“Take it. No strings attached. Do whatever you want with it. Buy booze or crack or whatever you want with it. I’m not gonna lecture you on how to live your life because, dude, you’re already totally down on your luck and I think that you just deserve a little kindness. You know the mistakes you’ve made and you don’t need to explain yourself to me or anyone. I just thought this money would help make things a little bit easier for you, that’s all.”

The man looked away for a moment. His lower lip trembling. Then he slowly glanced back and took the money.

“Thank you….. God Bless you, sir. I really appreciate it.”

“Take care of yourself.” I replied as he walked away.

The man walked away and never looked back.

Now here we are.

Two years later.

Standing in the same parking lot in front of the same grocery store.

My jaw drops open.

“Holy shit! I remember you! You’re that guy! LOOK AT YOU! I DON’T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOU!” I shouted.

“Now you remember me, right!? HA HA!”

This man’s voice once a whisper was now strong and deep as if his lungs consumed every molecule of oxygen around him and projected it out like water from a fire hose. He was no longer gaunt, but healthy, if not slightly overweight. His hair was clean and trimmed, but he still carried himself awkwardly with a shaky newfound confidence that now occupied a body that once resembled a dilapidated house.

“You look amazing! Where have you been!?”

“Aw man, It’s a long story-“

“I’ve got time!”

“Well-“ he hesitated

And then I paused.

“Wait. I’m- I’m sorry. It’s none of my business. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I just want you to know that I’m really REALLY proud of you, man. I know we don’t know each other, but dude, you’ve completely changed. I don’t even recognize you. You look amazing.”

There was an awkward pause in our conversation. We were like two friends who had just reunited after a long absence, but suddenly also realized at that moment that we were also two complete strangers who knew nothing about one other. The man took a deep breath, “I’ve been coming around to this grocery store every now and then hoping I would run into you…I’d stand out here waiting for you for a half hour or so hoping you’d come by to buy groceries… I wanted to thank you for the kindness you showed me a few years back and… and I wanted to finally pay you back.”

He grabs my hand and presses the nicely folded bills into my hand. The folds and creases tell me they’ve been sitting folded like this for quite a while.

“$400. Every cent of it.”

“Hey, you don’t need to do this. It was my pleasure. I’m glad the money helped, you can keep it.” I reply.

“Well… “ he paused, “I don’t want it. Too many painful memories from it.. That day you gave me that money I took it and I used it all to get high.”

“Oh…Shit… I’m sorry, man. I shouldn’t have-”

“And afterwards there were some more really rough months after that. I felt so ashamed. I hated myself and I didn’t wanna live no more so one day I couldn’t take it anymore and I went over to the Colorado Street Bridge and I was gonna climb the fence and jump off…. I was gonna kill myself and end it all… but I chickened out.”

(FYI, The Colorado Street Bridge is the bridge you see in the movie, LA LA LAND)

“Man, I was so scared, and I was crying on the ground and I was thinking about my wife leavin’ me… and how I let my son down, and now he had his own son.. you see, I’m a grandfather, and I got so messed up I couldn’t be around any of them, you know?”

Meanwhile, my groceries were sitting in the hot car. My milk was going to go bad, but I continued to hang on to his every word.

“So shortly after that incident the cops pick me up off the side of the bridge and they take me to this local homeless shelter. I get cleaned up, I get a little something to eat, and then later on that evening they gathered us all around in the cafeteria at one point and they read us this story called, After the Fall.”

I was shocked.

“Wait... What? That’s my book.” I responded

“Yeah, I know! The book changed my life, man! Humpty Dumpty finding the courage to change his life like that? It inspired me! It made me want to change! And so I see your name on the cover and one day I went to the library with my social worker to look up more of your books and I see your picture in one of the books and I thought, HOLY SHIT! That’s the guy who gave me the $400! I recognize those eyebrows from anywhere! This is a sign from God!”

“HAHAHA!”

“So, I’m getting’ all psyched up and inspired and the social worker helped me get me a sponsor, and after a while I got myself cleaned up and started working around town. I used to be a carpenter, and I was doin’ odd jobs here and there and so now I work at a hardware store.”

He pauses for a moment and takes another deep breath.

“You see, I got myself a work related injury years ago and I had to stop working. Then when my insurance wore out I was still in pain and I started trying to find any kind of drugs I could to help with the pain, man. It was awful. I got addicted to painkillers, over time it cost me my marriage, I lost my house, and my kid moved away and he started a family of his own…. I haven’t seen my kid in years. They all wanted to help but you can only be helped if you want to be helped, you know?”

“Yeah, I’m so sorry to hear that, man”

The man begins to cry a little

“And I knew they cared about me, but…. But I let them down, and there’s just a point when the people you love just can’t stand seeing you hurt yourself no more, and they couldn’t stand watching me tear myself apart like that, you know?”

The man’s story cuts me like a knife. I’m starting to well up with tears. We’re now two strangers crying in front of each other in the middle of a grocery store parking lot. The manager of the grocery store who I see often sees us crying outside

“Is everything okay here guys?”

“Yeah yeah yeah, We’re good. We’re just talking,” I rapidly answer as I wipe tears from my cheek. The manager walks back inside.

“…Uh… Weird question… You know my name now, but, do you mind if I ask you your name?”

“…I’m Randall.”

“Well, I’m glad you got your life back together, Randall. I’m sorry about all that stuff that happened with your family but I think what you accomplished with getting your life back together was huge and, I mean, I don’t know you, but man, I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you, brother. I just wanted to see you in person so I could give you back that money… oh, and I was hoping you could sign this for me….”

Randall reaches inside his oversized brown suit and pulls out a copy of After the Fall and hands it to me with a pen.

“I’ve been carrying this around with me for a few months now hoping I’d see you. The shelter gave it to me. Would you mind signing it?” he asks.

“I’d be honored, Randall… Do you want me to make it out to you?”

“Please make it out to Randall the Third”

“Wait… your grandson?”

“I’m going out to see my son and his family next week. They live out in Arizona.”

“That’s amazing. Are you nervous?”

“I’m excited to see my grandson, but I’m terrified I could screw things up with my family again.” Randall mutters.

“Well, you made it this far. I’m sure you’ll be fine. Just take it one step at a time.” I reply.

“Just like Humpty did. One step at a time.” says Randall.

I sign the book...

To Randall III, Your grandfather is a true inspiration to me.

Dan Santat

“Thank you, God bless.”

“No, Randall, thank you. This was the most amazing birthday gift I think I’ve ever received.”

“Oh, it’s your birthday today?!”

“No, it’s in twelve days. Heh… it’s when my milk expires”

“Oh shit. I should let you get going man, I’m sorry I took up all your time!”

“No, man. No! I’m so glad you did this and that we could catch up... and…. Here.”

I pull out the $400 and I hand it back to Randall.

“What are you doin?”

“I know you don’t need this, so I’m not giving you this money. Get something nice for your family, you know, a housewarming gift or something, that’s all. If you ever want to pay me back you know where to find me.”

In this parking lot.

In front of this grocery store.

“Use it to buy a huge ass teddy bear for Randall the Third. Shit get him a Playstation 4 or something I don’t care. As far as I’m concerned you worked so hard to get where you are now and you earned every cent of this. This money should be yours”

“HA HA HA! Aw sheeeeeeit….Thank you, brother.”

I grab Randall’s hand and I place the nicely folded wad of cash into his palm.

“Well, I should get goin’…” Randall says.

“Yeah, me too.”

Then after a few quiet moments we exchange a hug.

“Thank you, Dan Santat…. God Bless you.” Randall whispers

“Take care” I reply

We complete our goodbyes and then head off in our own opposite directions.

I’ve received lots of amazing gifts over my 44 years, but never one as incredible as the rebirth and transformation of Randall.

Peace.

896 notes · View notes

lovemesomesurveys · 4 years ago

Text

1. What's the last thing you did before you left your house today? It’s only 1AM, but I won’t be going anywhere later either. I was supposed to go to my doctor appointment in the morning, but they called me yesterday to say it’s going to be via Zoom instead, so yay I don’t have to go anywhere. 2. How much money did you spend yesterday? About $30 bucks. I bought my doggo a new collar online that has Baby Yoda on it and is super cute. 3. A million dollars, or true happiness forever? I gotta say, the money is quite tempting, but to be free of depression and some other health issues that money can’t fix sounds even better. And if it’s true happiness, then having things I need and want would be included in that as well, so. 4. Sunrise or sunset? Sunset. 5. Who is the first person you ever kissed that made you go weak in the knees? has that ever happened????? Joseph.

6. Current default ringer on your cell phone? One of the ringtones that came with the phone. 8. What do you think of yourself? I don’t think much of myself.

9. Brand of your shoes you're currently wearing? I’m not wearing shoes. 10. Night light or pitch black? Night light. 11. One best friend or lots of good friends? I’d be fine with one best friend. 13. What were you doing at midnight last night? I was watching YouTube videos. 14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? My mom was already in bed and texted me about how she forgot to do her Duolingo and remembered to do it just in time, completing it at 11:59, and she was excited about it. She has like almost a 200 day streak, so it’s important to her. 15. Song that has changed your attitude recently? There hasn’t been a song that changed my attitude recently. I haven’t even been listening to music lately. 16. What's something that you say a lot to be mean? I don’t say things to be mean? 17.Who told you they loved you last? My mom. 18. Last furry thing you touched? My doggo. 19. Ever had a pet frog? No. 21. Favorite age you have been so far? Hm. I don’t know. 22. Your worst enemy? Myself. 23. Do you believe in Karma? No. 24. What was the last hurtful thing you said to someone? I don’t know?? I don’t go around saying hurtful things, certainly not intentionally. Well, unless it’s to myself. 25. Would you ever eat green eggs and ham? I did in elementary school when they made it on Dr. Seuss Day. 26. Do you love someone enough you'd die for them? Yes. 27. The last song you listened to? I don’t remember. It’s been over a month since I’ve listened to music. 28. Your most favorite memory as a kid? There’s too many. I really miss my childhood. 29. Ever sit and think about how thankful you are for your life? I spend way too much time thinking about the negative things. :/ 30. Ever been in a fist fight? Nope. 31. Concert you went to that you will never forget? The Jonas Brothers concerts because I was such a huge fan of theirs and it meant a lot to be able to see them live, and the Green Day concert, which was the last concert I attended over 10 years ago now. I miss concerts. 32. Have you ever wanted to bottle up a moment and save it forever? Yeah. 33. Is the grass REALLY greener on the other side? It’s all about perspective. 34. Do you believe in true love? Yeah. 35. Do you believe in soulmates? That whole concept is complicated, I don’t know.

36. If you had the choice to work or not, would you work? No. 37. Would you ever name your kid, Abcdefghi (pronounced, Ab sid efy)? Um, absolutely not. That’s just stupid. 38. Ever TRULY wanted to kill someone? No. 39. 3 things you ALWAYS carry with you? Phone, wallet, mask. 40. Ever had a moment of clarity? Yeah. 41. Ever been arrested? Nope. 42. Is drinking 8 glasses of water a day really necessary? It’s certainly beneficial, but I only get in half that. 43. Favorite time of day? My first sip of coffee and late at night/early morning when I do my nightly routine, which consists of watching YouTube, eating ramen, listening to ASMR, scrolling through Tumblr, and doing surveys. 44. What exactly is...a honky tonk badonkadonk? A big ass.

45. What were you doing at midnight on New Years? I was with my mom and brother (my dad was here, but he had gone to bed hours ago) watching the NYE festivities on TV. 46. What did you eat for breakfast? It’s only 1:36AM so I haven’t had anything yet, but I’m already thinking about ordering breakfast from my favorite place for delivery in the morning after my Zoom doctor appointment. 47. How much money do you have on you right now? None. 48. Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? Yes. 49. What are your kids' names going to be? I don’t want to have kids. 50. What do you think about most? My health issues and other stuff going on.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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lanaisnotwool · 4 years ago

Video

youtube

402 Interview with Paul Moore - Commercial Real Estate Investing

http://moneyripples.com/2020/06/16/402-interview-with-paul-moore-commercial-real-estate-investing/

Chris Miles, the "Cash Flow Expert and Anti-Financial Advisor," is a leading authority on how to quickly free up and create cash flow for thousands of his clients, entrepreneurs, and others internationally! He’s an author, speaker, and radio host that has been featured in US News, CNN Money, Bankrate, Entrepreneur on Fire, and spoken to thousands getting them fast financial results.

Listen to our Podcast here:

https://www.blogtalkradio.com/moneyripples/2020/05/27/402--commercial-real-estate-investing-with-paul-moore

------------------------------------------------------------

Chris Miles (00:00): Hello my fellow Ripplers! This is Chris Miles. Your Cash Flow Expert and Anti-Financial Advisor. Welcome you out for a wonderful show. Show that's for you and about you. Those of you that work so hard for your money, and you're ready for your money to start working harder for you. Now! You want that freedom. That cash flow. That prosperity. Today! Not 30 or 40 bazillion years from now, but right now, so you can have that life that you love doing what you love be with those that you love. But on top of that, it's not just the fact that you want to be prosperous yourself and that you want to live a comfortable, amazing life. But on top of that, you actually want to become a Rippler. In the sense that you want to create a ripple effect through other's lives. Because as your blessed financially, you can bless the lives of those around you as well.

Chris Miles (00:46): And that's the thing I love. That you guys are creating a legacy that you're creating real impact by blessing more lives. And I appreciate you guys following you're bingeing. You're doing everything. That's awesome. I appreciate you guys sharing this with everybody else. I love watching the show grow and you guys are a big part of that. So thank you so much! As a reminder, check out our website MoneyRipples.com. There's again, that ebook Beyond Rice & Beans. Seven Secrets. If you have cash today, you can check out and download for free. So go look at that.

Chris Miles (01:13): So today I've got a special guest here and again, you guys know I don't bring on guests lightly, right? I want to make sure that I bring on real deals, not just posers, but people that actually are walking the walk and talking the talk. And right now I know a lot of questions are coming out from both my clients and just others in general, or people saying, well, real estate is horrible right now, right? Like we should probably just be putting more money in the stock market. Cause it's "Low". You know, even though it's way lower is, is the potential for what the market has to go. But people will say, Oh, don't, don't do real estate. That's gotta be horrible right now. Well, I've got a guest here, Paul Moore, who's been in the industry for a long time. Now Paul took a different path in the beginning. Kind of like a lot of us did, right? He graduated with an engineering degree and an MBA from Ohio State. And then he started on the management track at Ford Motor Company in Detroit. After five years, he decided to leave that job. And he started doing a staffing company, which he was able to sell for two point $9 million to a publicly traded company. Along the way, he was the finalist for the Ernst and Young's Michigan entrepreneur of the year. For two years straight.

Chris Miles (02:18): He also later into the real estate sector where he completed 85 real estate investments and exits. Appeared on an HGTV special. So some of you guys may have already seen him. Rehab to manage dozens of rental properties. Developed a waterfront division. And started two successful online real estate marketing firms with three successful developments, including assistant and development of a Hyatt hotel and multifamily housing project. This led him into the multifamily arena, right? Which is what we're kind of talking about today. He also, co-hosts the wealth building podcasts that you guys might have checked out called, How To Lose Money. He's also a contributor to Fox Business and Bigger Pockets, producing live video and blog content on a weekly basis. And he's also the author of the Perfect Investment: Create Enduring Wealth from the Historic Shift to Multifamily Housing. And has a forthcoming book that we're talking about today on self storage investing. So we'll hear more about that. And also if that wasn't enough, he's also the managing director of two commercial real estate funds at Wellings Capital. So, dang Paul! Take a break!

Paul Moore (03:15): I know, man. Hey, why, why I was...

Chris Miles (03:17): I was hyperventilating trying to get this bio, you know,

Paul Moore (03:19): I know I gotta shorten that donut, Chris. I've already got an edited version, but why would somebody who has a money show have somebody on who has a podcast that's called, How To Lose Money? I'm just curious.

Chris Miles (03:33): Probably cause the same reason I lost over a million bucks in the last recession, they taught me great lessons. So yeah, we're probably in good company.

Paul Moore (03:39): Yeah. Probably, Chris. You got to come on our show. That's great. Yeah, man. It's great to be here. Thanks for having me on.

Chris Miles (03:45): Absolutely. Well, Paul, I mean, outside of what I just shared on the bio there, like tell us a little bit more about you.

Paul Moore (03:53): Yeah. You know, I think that covers it pretty well. I'll tell you this. I, when I sold my company at 33 years old in Detroit, I thought, I'm an investor now! But I actually became a speculator. You know, I became a certified, shiny object chaser because I really didn't know anything about investing. I didn't know anything about creating true wealth. The way I see things, Chris is, true wealth is owning assets that produce income. And speculating is the way to get there occasionally, but not on a consistent basis. You know, I think investing is when your principal is generally safe and it might produce and it should produce income and might grow in value. Speculating is when your principal is not at all safe and it has a chance to make a return. And I found myself speculating and making money occasionally, but losing a lot of money along the way. And so I finally, I did that even when I got into real estate 20 years ago. And finally had a wake up call after around 2011 or so. Got into commercial real estate. And have found that, that is a great path. I mean, most of the Forbes 400 wealthiest people in the world investing in commercial real estate. And now I found out why.

Chris Miles (05:17): Yeah. You know, what you just said is a huge point. This show is all about creating more cash flow, passive income. But doing it in a way that's predictable, right? Like predictability is way better than speculating. And people will say, well, Chris, why don't people talk more about, you know, doing predictable cash flow versus all the speculation. I said, it's easy. Speculation is sexy. Right? Think about it. Like you never see people. I remember this 15 years ago with a lot of the info marketing type of groups and education programs that were more popular until the recession. Right? But I would say things like, yeah, I made $50,000 on this flip or whatever. Right? I say, that's a lot sexier sounding than saying, Hey, I'm earning $300 a month on this door here. You know. It just doesn't sound as good, you know, as enticing for a sales job. And so yeah, I agree with you. Like it, predictability and wealth creation has gotta be hand-in-hand.

Paul Moore (06:09): That's true. You know, babe Ruth is still famous over a hundred years later because he's swung for the fences, but he was also the Strike-out King. And you know, real estate developers and other people who do startups, you know, there's some of the wealthiest people in the world when you hear about them and they're legendary, but for all those, you know, hundred to one or a thousand to one you don't hear about, they're probably delivering pizzas.

Chris Miles (06:34): That's right. That's so true. So what have you learned like as you got in this commercial space? Cause I know a lot of people are scared to death to be in the commercial space. And so I would love to hear what you're seeing and what makes you so excited for the next three years, for example.

Paul Moore (06:50): Absolutely. So I'll get into a little bit about how I think the best way to buy commercial real estate is in a minute, but I want to talk about why the Forbes 400 invest in this I think. So residential real estate, we all kind of know how it's valued. If your chip and Joanna Gaines junior, and you can rehab a house, take a $300,000 house and put in gold plated fixtures, I'm kind of kidding, you know, finished the attic, finished the basement, put on addition. And you know, you dump 500,000 and you've got 800,000 in this house. But if it's in a $350,000 neighborhood, you're probably not going to get your money out of that because residential real estate is based on comparables or comps. Commercial real estate is entirely different. It's based on something that we love from school called math. Now the math works very simple. The value is the net operating income, divided by the rate of return, also known as the cap rate. And so if you can drive up the net operating income, you can sometimes, sometimes shrink the cap rate. But if you can drive up the NOI, you can actually increase the value of the asset by that same proportion. And if you're using safe leverage, sometimes you can double or triple the value of your equity if you do it right. So the question is, how do we, you know, well, let's, first of all, go through an example. Here's a real simple example. Let's say you bought a self storage facility for $2 million and let's say you put a million dollars debt on it and you put a million dollars cash from your and your friends equity in other words. Now, if you go in on day one and you sign a contract with U-haul and actually start renting trucks at that facility, that will add three to $5,000 often a month to your income with no capital expense out of pocket. Now, if you add, let's say they average $4,000 a month to your income, that's $48,000 per year, right? Now, remember our value formula. Value is the income, divided by the cap rate. Divide that by a rate of return or a cap rate of 6%, you just added $800,000 to the value of that facility. And that's, you know, you just added 80% to the value of your equity of a million dollars up to 1.8 cause the bankers don't share in this. And so, that's one of dozens of ways to add value. Now the question is how to do it in a predictable way. And you talked about predictability earlier and it's really simple. Buy from mom and pop sellers. Or if it's in multifamily, buy it from distress sellers. And we're going to see some of those in the coming three years.

Chris Miles (09:45): Absolutely!

Paul Moore (09:46): If you buy from a mom and pop. They don't have the resources, knowledge, or the desire to maximize income and grow the value. And therefore you can bolt on these value ads. Like the one I just described and dramatically increase income and value.

Chris Miles (10:02): That's right. And why do you see that there's going to be such a big opportunity in the commercial space right now? Like why do you see that as being the place to be for you?

Paul Moore (10:09): Yeah, so I think residential will as well. It's just harder to scale. I mean, I just got off the phone with somebody trying to raise a hundred million dollar distressed debt fund. You know, it's going to be pretty hard to do that in single family. Although there are ways to do it. Commercial real estate again, because of this predictable math formula. And because there are still mom and pops sellers in certain asset classes like self storage, mobile home parks, they have a large percentage of the assets owned by mom and pop operators. And you can go in and significantly increase the value of those. And that's what I love about commercial.

Chris Miles (10:53): And that was kind of thing I was leading down the road to is, the last few years, what have you seen with people buying these kinds of real estate deals? And it seems like everybody, they come, can come out of almost nowhere and they just go in and they say, Hey, I'm going to raise money from a bunch of strangers and or my friends and family and just go do a commercial deal because everybody makes money in real estate. Right? It's almost like the last recession in some ways, but what, you know, what do you, where do you see that opportunity? Like what kind of people are the best people to buy them from? You know, you mentioned mom and pops. But what would you, what would be the signs that you see from those kind of buyers?

Paul Moore (11:26): Yeah. Well, the first thing I would say back to what you said a moment ago, and that is Warren Buffett said, everything looks great now. Everybody is a genius when the market's rising. But someday the tide's going to go out and then we'll see who is swimming without a bathing suit. And I think that's about what we're about to see. Unfortunately, multifamily just like single family, real estate got completely overheated and people were paying stupid money. I mean, know of, you know, deals should have gone for 5 million that went for 7 million. They're already, some of those sellers are already starting to panic right now. But one great way to buy those would be, you know, going to a regional or even a community bank to see what debt they have. Let's say somebody paid 4 million for a property. They got a $3 million loan. Well, let's say that property, let's say two years from now. Has dropped in value because let's just say because the net operating income dropped and the cap rate expanded. Meaning that the property dropped in value from 4 million down to just below 3 million and it's time to refinance. And the property is not performing. Well, you might be able to go get, buy that debt from the bank for that $3 million loan for say 1.3 million, then go to them, the seller and say, look, I'm going to give you six months to refinance. If you can refinance, you can, you know, I'll let you out of this $3 million loan for 2.2 million. If you can't refinance, I'll have to foreclose. And then you've got the asset for whatever I said, 1.3 or 1.5 million, and then you can take it over, operate it well, and ride it back up through the next cycle. And maybe it'll be worth four or 5 million again. So it's a great way to go. That's one seller. I would definitely look to mom and pops or another. There are 44,000 mobile home parks in the U.S. And it's believed that almost 40,000 are owned by mom and pop small sellers. Only 4,000 by professionally run companies. So there's a lot of runway ahead there in that area.

Chris Miles (13:36): Sure. Now, I mean, obviously with the time it is right now where this is early summer of 2020, right? What, from what you seeing here, I mean, are there opportunities right now? Are you feeling like, no I'm going to wait a little bit and hold on my capital before I just jump in and start making these deals?

Paul Moore (13:52): I have been talking about this on Bigger Pockets. And if you look at the last recession, it took, can you imagine this? Three to three and a half years to hit bottom.

Chris Miles (14:04): Yeah.

Paul Moore (14:05): And so Howard Marks talks about the wisdom of catching a falling knife. A lot of other people say, ah, maybe it's better to wait until the knife hits the floor. And so it depends if you want to catch it on the way down or when it hits the floor, either one has some risks because you can't really tell where the floor is, except in the rear view mirror.

Chris Miles (14:25): That's right. It's always hindsight 2020, isn't it?

Paul Moore (14:27): Right.

Chris Miles (14:28): Yeah. That's interesting. That's really interesting. Cause I know some people are like, okay, they're coming, right? Like how long should I wait? It's people say the same thing to the stock market, like I should jump in right now. It's you think the market hits bottom in a recession or even a depression depending what we go into. Right. Do you think it actually hits bottom in one month? No. It's never happened and it never will. It's not something that just happens overnight.

Paul Moore (14:51): Right. Yup. I agree. Yeah. It's one of the great things about real estate is we've got time. You, even if you're a newbie right now, you've got time to assemble a team, assemble your tribe, get to know bankers. You've got time to do this. A lot of time.

Chris Miles (15:08): Now, what if somebody doesn't really want to be the active investor here? Like I know some people are active investors that listen to the show, but there's a lot of people say, Hey, between the job I work, if I'm working from home or, or whatever it might be, how do I really, you know, do something like this where I probably want to be more of a passive investor, but I want to be involved. I have money as want to know what to do with it. What would you recommend?

Paul Moore (15:29): Yeah. So my new book on self storage, the last one third of it is dedicated to seven different paths to get into commercial real estate investing. And one of my favorite paths is being a passive investor, you can either be a passive, passive or professional passive investor. We have both best with my company. A passive passive still should probably buy Brian Burke's new book called, The Hands Off Investor. It teaches you to vet a syndicator and goes through a lot of checklists and things like that. We have checklists that we use when we vet syndicators. So as a passive passive, you should probably do that. If you're a professional passive, you should probably plan to do all that and jump on a plane, go meet the, you know, the syndicator in person at least do a couple zoom calls. See how they talk about their investors, their family, their staff. See how they treat the flight attendant or the waiter. You know, try to really get a gut feel and then go through your checklist and really make sure you know them. And like Brian Burke says in his new book, the most important thing is their morality and their integrity. Better to have a mediocre deal with a great operator than a mediocre operator and a great deal because a mediocre operator can mess up a great deal and a great operator can pull a mediocre deal into a great one.

Chris Miles (16:53): That's so true. I've seen a lot over the last, almost 20 years now. You see that, you see a lot there out there today. I think that's a great idea to just to really get to know the syndicator. Cause one thing I tell people is that you can't teach. I mean, you can teach competence, you can train people to be more competent and to be a better operator, but you can't train character. Right? You can't train someone to be a better person. Someone, you can't train somebody to be have integrity. That's just something either you do or you don't do. Right?

Paul Moore (17:23): That's right. That's absolutely true. And so who they are when they're small and when they're alone is who they are. And so try to catch him at times like that.

Chris Miles (17:32): Yeah. Well, great. Well, tell us more about your book on self storage. Cause I know that's something that's been come a topic that people have started asking me more about lately too. Right. And I've had a few people on here about self storage already, but tell us about your book and how people going to get it.

Paul Moore (17:47): Absolutely. So we happily surprised the last six weeks to see that self storage operators are reporting, increased traffic. A lot of it's online, but a lot of people are renting online and self storage occupancies actually up, especially near college towns and your bigger cities. It's not so doing so well in the mom and pop rural areas where you have to walk in to, to rent the unit. But, yeah, the new book's called, Storing Up Profits. Capitalize on America's obsession with stuff by investing in self storage. And it's going to be published by Bigger Pockets Publishing sometime this summer. And so yeah, one of the things I love about self storage is, you know, generally speaking, not always. Generally, it does well in good times and bad. In good times people are filling up their carts with stuff and they need a place to store stuff. In bad times you know, there's the 4D's. I hope I can remember them all. Death, Dislocation, Downsizing, and Divorce. And people, when those things happen, sometimes they need a place to store their stuff. And for a relatively small amount of their total paycheck, they can store their stuff in self storage. You know, if I raise your rent on an apartment or a single family house by 6%, you might walk rather than pay an extra $60 or $80 a month. But if I raise yourself storage unit at a hundred dollars by 6%, you're probably not going to spend a Saturday and move all your stuff down the street to save six bucks a month, especially since you're on a month to month lease. And if you're thinking like most people, you're probably thinking I'm going to get that stuff out of there next month.

Chris Miles (19:32): That's right! Everyone always thinks that somehow they're going to simplify and declutter and get their stuff out of reality is that takes many, many, many years if ever, you know, it might be death. Right. Which is one of those D's.

Paul Moore (19:45): That's right!

Chris Miles (19:45): So great. Yeah. We'll make sure that we get a link to build a post on our podcast here on our episodes. People can go ahead and get that book. Cause that's, that's great. That sounds really intriguing. So well, Paul, I really appreciate your time today. Any final words for our guests or listeners here?

Paul Moore (20:01): Yeah. I would just say that, you know, again, like you said, it's the legends that sent, you know, that speculate. And they're few and far between. And if you want to make consistent cash flow, whether it's in real estate or something else, go for the safe fundamentals. Warren Buffett was asked by Mark Zuckerberg, Mark Zuckerberg said, Warren your strategy's not that complicated. Why doesn't everybody just replicate it? And Buffett said something like, well, no, no, no, no. Why, nobody wants to get rich that slow. Well, Buffett's done pretty well for himself and I think it would be good to follow in his footsteps.

Chris Miles (20:43): I agree. That's a wise wise counsel. And so Paul, thank so much for your time today. I really appreciate it.

Paul Moore (20:49): Absolutely, Chris. Great to be here.

Chris Miles (20:51): Everybody else, make sure you go check out, check out his book. You know, we'll have that link in the show notes for you guys, but you know, again, you know, the time, it's good to be patient, but it's also good to be proactive. Do what you can now to build your wealth in your mind first. So you can build your wealth in your pocket second. So everybody, I hope you make a wonderful and prosperous week and we'll see you later.

#Chris Miles #Anti-financial Advisor #Cash flow #Cash flow Expert #Debts #Entrepreneur #Financial Freedom #Money Ripples

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segenassefa · 4 years ago

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2: On Consumerism, Fighting Demons, and Societies Inevitable Collapse

Quarantine has been lowkey surreal. My constant complaint of never having enough time to do all the things I want/should be doing has now left me bored in the house, bored in the house, bored with nothing but time to get said things done. However, it is a dual edged sword - with the collapse and subsequent reformation of civil society outside my doors, it leaves me wondering – as well as a lot of other people – in the words of Miss Juicy…what the hell we gone do now?

Nearing the end of the first leg of my university career, I should be thinking about getting ready to transition to the next logical stages of adulthood - saving for an apartment, applying for permanent residency, as well as graduate schools and part time jobs. Yet, I’m worried about if these things will even be a possibility within the next month, six months, or even the next year.

On top of ALL of that, the recent BLM protests and the way that people (read: white people, Latinxs, Black men, homo/transphobes, etc.) have shown their asses the past few months is beyond mortifying - especially regarding the treatment of black women and how our value as individuals as well as a collective to society is really perceived.* This is not to downplay the murder of numerous black men in society, BUT who the fuck is riding for black women aside from other black women? And not just the ones who find attractive, or are racially ambiguous, or the ones you feel as if you get “guilted” into supporting and demanding justice for, I mean each and every black woman. I’m just saying, it gets pretty disheartening to feel like the legwork of the revolution is on the back of one category of people, and that your value to society is measured by the amount of emotional labour you’re ready to do for others, or how fat your ass is (but I digress…).

I feel like most people have used material things as coping mechanisms instead of actually facing their feelings and dealing with the things that bother them. Just think of the number of packages that have arrived on your doorstep the past few months. Breaking the glossy seal of packing tape is similar to therapy, until all the boxes are open, and you start feeling like shit again. And now, more than ever, there’s a lot to be bothered about. Western society has dedicated phrases based on the phenomenon of substituting true self-work with figurative emotional bandages (Phrases like comfort eating and retail therapy come to mind).

It’s nice to think that we – the people entering their adolescent and young adult years – will be the one to change these things, but suddenly it’s 2 am, you have twenty different things in your Amazon cart, (who the fuck needs a metal straw cleaning kit?) and you’re trying to see how far you can stretch and grab your debit card before falling off of the bed.

The conflicting messages pushed by society don’t help all that much either. If you look up “Kondo method” or “decluttering my closet” on YouTube, the numbers of videos that come up is astounding. Pages and pages of sweaty-faced, smiling YouTubers monetizing from this kind of faux “minimalism” only to post haul videos a few days later because “I threw everything out and now I have to rebuild from scratch sksksk!”. Does this not just perpetuate a cycle of buying and throwing and buying? I am....confusion, to say the least. Still I watch them, because I’m a hypocrite, and am also easily amused.

I will be the first to admit I have always had a very unhealthy relationship with money, with self-image, and with measuring my self-worth in proximity with “stuff that stems from a complicated relationship with physical self. Follow along:

Growing up, I was a fat kid. We don’t even have to sugar coat it. Think Terrio, but better eyebrows and more hair. Except I was not killin’ em, just myself. I always envied my friends who were able to go shopping at regular stores – read: Hollister, Abercrombie, Urban Outfitters (yes my friends were white), meanwhile I was condemned to shopping in the women’s department.

So, to compensate, I would buy trinkets – things like nail polish, lip gloss, journals, you get the point. My proximity to worthiness was measured not by the things that I bought, but within the act of buying. Growing up with parents who were also financially frugal also altered my relationship with money and blessed me with crippling buyers’ remorse after every purchase, even on things that are important (read: groceries).

But as a kid, buying “stuff” was fun for me – it gave me some sort of purpose, and the acquisition of things (even if they weren’t the same things my peers had) made me feel like, to some extent, I could compete on the same playing field. As I got older, and I started to have real expenses, I moved towards second-hand shopping. I would religiously find myself at Goodwill on weekend, after school, or with friends. I could literally feel an endorphin rush when I would find something that I would consider a “good deal”, and it made me feel (again) purposeful, to be spending money, even if I didn’t need whatever I was buying.

I should also add that the people in my immediate family does not believe in thrift stores (“Why am I working for you to wear other people’s clothing?”, I remember my dad asking me one day), so the act of second-hand shopping was also my form of rebellion.

I began to amass a collection of clothing that would put Kylie’s closet to shame. I began buying things for events and situations that were yet to happen, for other people, for when I lose ten pounds. It was a madness.

In freshman year of university, I had an unhealthy relationship with clubbing clothes. Did I have the figure for clubbing clothes? Absolutely not. The funnier part is, I couldn’t even go clubbing because I wasn’t 19 at the time. And yet I had drawers and drawers full of the stuff. Not to mention that clubbing clothes is incredibly similar to summer clothing and living between Minnesota and Canada meant that these things were barely seeing the light of day.

The moral of this was – I could never figure out my relationship with stuff, This quarantine has forced me to try and break down the compulsion behind my behaviour. I felt like I was spiralling the six weeks that they closed thrift stores, and I knew myself well enough to not try and online shop with the same kind of frequency as that. But the crazy part was, I didn’t die. I didn’t go into withdrawal (ok, I did a little bit, but whatever), and I was able to take the time to go through the things I already owned and find some hidden gems that were routinely buried in the cracks and crevices of my closet. It was like the episode of Family Guy when Peter realizes he has a vestigial twin – alarming and cool at first, but then it’s just alarming and annoying.

Its more embarrassing to realize that some semblance of myself image is tied to the frequency with which I am able to spend money. I would never say that participating in capitalist society gives me some kind of purpose as a black woman because God forbid. Also, considering that a lot of big names companies are actually racist and fatphobic as hell creates a whole new dimension for analyzing the power of my black dollar, sometimes creating another spiral of guilt leading to you guessed it – more spending.

As much as it seems like it, however, this self-reflection was not in vain. In the past month, I’ve cut down my closet from +200 pieces of clothing and shoes to about 40. If you ever want a fun, humbling activity this quarantine, just clean out your closet and be honest with yourself about how often you wear certain things. It was revolting to see the number of shirts, dresses, pants, skirts that I had bought and convinced myself wholeheartedly I was going to wear, only to pull them out of my closet months later with the tags attached *insert Marge Simpson covering her face meme*.

But at the end of the whole ordeal, it felt really good to look at my space and not feel burden or guilt. It was somewhat philanthropic realizing that not only will these clothes make someone else happier (I donated pretty much everything because it’s not always about money), but that my quality of life was not dramatically impacted in owning (or not owning) certain things. The past few weeks, I’ve spent more money on going out and sharing experiences with friends, but still nowhere near the same amount of money I would have spent buying clothes and other material possession.

Youtuber Kelly Stamps has a video on how minimalism “cured” her depression**, and the whole thesis boils down to the idea that owning less things gives you less to compare yourself too, thus making you happier (in a sense) and allowing you to focus the energy and time that would have been centered around maintaining and building your collection of possessions other things.

This still doesn’t break down the root of the issue, but it’s a start. I think when you have traits or patterns that you’ve participated in for so long, it becomes hard to step back and be objective enough to realize that you – yes, you – are part of the problem. I can blame my habits on a lot of things but at the end of the day, it’s important to realize that certain cycles seem never-ending because I actively choose to participate in these kinds of behaviours (accountability is sexy, huh?). While I’m not ready to face all my demons quite yet, it’s easier to do it with a nice wardrobe and a streamlined sense of mind.

Notes

*When I say black women, I mean ALL black women. Not some limited, cis-gendered, heteronormative view of what a woman is. Over here we ride for all those who identify as women.

**She emphasizes that she doesn’t actually means that it cured anything, but rather helped with her anxiety, and in turn, helped with her depression.

Links

That Family Guy Episode

The Kelly Stamps video

#cms #selfhelp?#consumerism

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etraytin · 5 years ago

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Quarantine, Day 55

The punchline of today's journal entry is that we got about five pounds of pad thai from the local noodle place for dinner, plus three additional entrees, so my writing may be interrupted by me falling asleep at any moment. It was really good pad thai, though. I will eat these jellybeans and attempt to power through.

Today was my first day of living with my new hair, which I dyed yesterday and forgot to talk about. It's Warm Amber Brown and turned out very well for hair dye that I bought at CVS and applied myself. It's a color I've used before, so I was pretty confident, but every once in awhile a box will say "amber" and mean something more like "purple" so you have to be cautious. This one is a warm and just slightly reddish brown, perfect! I don't typically clutter up my feed with photos of myself, but if I can't use selfies in my own quarantine journal, where can I? (And another new mask as well for an overall "felt cute, might venture into the wasteland later" vibe since I was about to go get the aforementioned takeout food.)

A lot of the morning today was spent preparing for and having a telemedicine meeting with my FIL's doctor. We spent quite a bit of time making sure that the computer was all set up and ready, then wound up using the speakerphone of an honest-to-god landline telephone after the technology pooped out on their end five minutes into the call. Truly this is post-apocalypse times. News is not great long term but we never expected it to be, and slightly more encouraging than expected in the short term. We need to figure out what we will do after two weeks in the rehab facility, which makes it very likely we will be here for two more weeks at least. After that it's a question of whether he comes back to the house with full-time care, or stays in a skilled care facility where he can be fully taken care of. Every option has its full share of suck, even more so when there can be no visitors in pretty much any care facility.

We can stay longer if needs be, in terms of actual work and school commitments. Everything for husband and kiddo is fully online till further notice, and I am still SUPER UNEMPLOYED at least until I can take the MPRE in August. Can't substitute teach, obviously, and mystery shopping right now would make me feel like a shitheel, to say nothing of the potential exposure danger. I mean, who is going to go out to a fast food restaurant where the workers have to be there because they don't get sick days and are somehow essential, and legitimately gauge whether they seem happy enough to be there? I freely acknowledge that a lot of what I do as a shopper is bullshit at the best of times, but before March there was at least a sense that we were all at least somewhat invested in the bullshit because they wanted those good scores and I wanted to give them wherever possible. Now, though, it's enough just to get through the day, and I believe anybody who is working grocery or foodservice right now should get 100% full credit for anything short of literally spitting in my food, which means I'm not in a mystery shopping mood at all. No matter how much bonus money they're waving because I am apparently not the only one feeling that way. So anyway, super-unemployed, but I still have obligations, and somebody would have to go back eventually to actually clean the house if we're going to be gone much longer than two weeks.

This morning, for instance, I woke up to a text from a friend offering me another teeny tiny kitten. You guys know how I feel about teeny tiny kittens. (I am in favor.) I had to tell her that I could not take her tiny kitten though, because I am four hundred miles away and kittens do not run very fast. I've also had to blow off a few Red Cross opportunities and food bank opportunities, which makes me feel a little guilty even though I know my priorities are where they need to be. Obviously what I need is some kind of Multiplicity-style cloning device where I could make a couple copies of myself (minus all the poorly-aged homophobia of the movie) and leverage our unique strengths in order to do all the things I want to get done while still leaving ample time for listening to The Good Place Podcast for the seventeenth time in a row. One clone would have to embark on an immediate full rewatch of The West Wing, because today I was on Facebook trying to come up with a WW-related name for every letter of the alphabet and I had to look on the wiki to remember Fitzwallace's first name. (It is Percy.) I was ashamed, deep in my soul.

I was thinking about kittens today, and wondering what it would take to just do kittens full time. Because honestly, kittens is a full-time job, plus extra. You've seen my delirious journal entries from the two-hours-of-sleep days. People who need to work can't do that. I can't do it much longer because I need to make some money. But it wouldn't have to be very much money. I mean, assuming my husband keeps his job, knock on wood, we could meet our financial obligation if I could bring in like 350 dollars a week. 1500 a month is just a little more than a 40-hour minimum wage job. I know at this point I've passed the bar exam and basically have to be a lawyer, but it's kind of amazing to think of what would happen if I could find somebody to just hire me to raise kittens. Maybe when I am making fat lawyer bucks, I will be someone's patron and allow them to become a full time kitten nanny, thereby assuaging my own guilt for getting out of the game.

Well, this journal has wandered very far afield, hasn't it. High point of the day was definitely getting to take a bath in the big master bathtub that nobody ever uses but me. I have to dust it every time I visit, but it's totally worth it. Low point was again trying to beg, reason and shame MIL into sitting down basically at all at any point during the day. I keep cleaning the fucking kitchen so she will not be tempted to get up and go into it, but it does not matter. Even if it is clean she will just go in there and rearrange things. I just want her leg to get better as soon as possible! I am sure that walking around on it without even a brace is not helping! Lunch we celebrated Cinco de Mayo with turkey enchiladas made by my husband from yesterday's leftovers. They were excellent! Supper we got takeout from the local noodle place. I got sushi, the kiddo got chicken nuggets (he steals my sushi), husband got General Tso's Chicken because he watched a documentary on it with his class, and MIL got pad thai. The local noodle place has always had generous portions, but today was bonkers. This is the pad thai after we'd already taken two cereal bowls worth out. We will be eating pad thai for days. There are worse fates, I suppose!

#quarantine #home hair color #quarantine hair #pad thai

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jenicon · 4 years ago

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feeling a bit sad and getting teary eyed bc of life stuff

I’ve been skipping my meds strategically so it lasts me longer. The IRCC has all my applications delayed, so I am not eligible for medical insurance. So now just going to a doctor to get my prescription done will cost me 200 CAD. And then I also have to spend about 40 CAD for my meds (which should last me 3 months or so). I’ve been living off of my 1 month supply for about 2 months now. I know I shouldn’t be doing this with my sertraline but what can you do when you don’t have money

On the topic of medical expenses, just a few weeks ago I had a very nasty ear infection, to which I refused to go see the doctor for because I don’t want to spend 200 CAD just for them to tell me ‘yep that’s an infection all right. Here, have some prescriptions for antibiotics’. Girlfriend convinced me to go anyway because the consequences of just ignoring the infection would be deafness, and possibly death. It was already getting so bad my eye was watering, so I spent 200 CAD for the doctor’s appointment, and another 50+CAD for my antibiotics. Both of which are not covered by my girlfriends medical insurance from work for reasons??????

Just realized that in my efforts to reduce our grocery bills, the girlfriend’s been on the edge of being underweight. She doesn’t complain about being hungry, but I feel so damn guilty. We’ve been buying less and less meat, and more veggies, bc healthy and also cheap. But god I didn’t know she wasn’t getting enough food.

I don’t have any income right now and am bleeding money. Rent is taking a huge chunk of my savings, and it’s making me nauseous thinking about it. I can’t even apply for jobs because my immigration papers have been in limbo for almost a year now.

When was the last time we bought or did something to treat ourselves??? I can only think of the rare times we would order takeout for like... 2 burgers, because that’s all we can afford.

I can’t afford bus tickets so I’ve only been walking everywhere... especially dangerous for me because I have a suspected CSF leak, and there’s heatwaves in our area

We can’t afford microwave popcorn so I’ve been making popcorn myself with kernels, salt, pepper, and onion powder lol. This one is less sad, but just heartbreaking thinking how we can no longer afford to buy junk food

been secretly skipping one meal per day so gf can have more food. But also to keep costs down. It’s not affecting me that much so it’s all good

girlfriend needed an arm rest for her chair bc it’s getting painful, so I made her one using dollar store foam pad + some leftover cloth at home lmao. Totat cost: 2 CAD, compared to amazon bought ones which are at least 15 CAD a piece

#just ignore #had to let this out #personal

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6gpymfzi-blog · 5 years ago

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Winchester Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 66097

"Winchester Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 66097

Winchester Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 66097

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