#my life is falling apsrt

[rowanoke]

I'm home now. Went to the bar after work. I actually had to run home first to drop off some stuff I bought at work.

As soon as I got to the bar, I took my seat, ordered a drink, and my fucking nose started bleeding

This is my 7th nosebleed in exactly 1 month. My first one of the dry season was Nov 17th at like 2pm, and my 7th one happened Dec 17th at like quarter after midnight.

It lasted about 40 minutes. About half as long as the average among those 7. One of the shortest. It was just a trickle of blood, really. Puke you'd see when a character has overused their psychic powers.

For 5/7 of these nose bleeds, my nose has gushed and sprayed blood like a horny anime protag. And other than those 2 that were just a trickle of blood, they all lasted over an hour.

To be honest, I'm a little afraid of what could be causing my nose to bleed so much.

I know it's not the most reliable source, but Google says I should be worried if my nose bleed lasts more than 20 minutes or happens 6 times in a month. None of my nose bleeds have lasted less than half an hour, and I'm at 7 now.

Idk if something is wrong with my nose, and is making it bleed constantly, or maybe I have something like hemophilia or leukemia.

I don't have insurance, or a primary care physician to talk to about this. Several emergency and urgent csre visits that were over $2k usd, some of which were billed at over $6k usd. I have literally tens of thousands of dollars in medical debt.

I know something is wrong. I can feel it. I'm frequently lightheaded, and I've almost passed out several times. I've been lethargic, and haven't had much of an appetite. I'll start shaking at random throughout the day, which I've noticed has happened when I have a panic attack since I was like 13, but without the other signs and symptoms of a panic attack, just the shaking.

Anyway. My physical and mental health have been rapidly declining over the past month, and now I'm in my first depressive episode since like, March or April of this year.

If you saw my post at my lunch, you might have seen that I had already cried 3 times in the first half of my shift. In the second half, after my lunch, I only cried twic.

The last few days for me have felt like the embodiment of Murphy's law. What could go wrong, has gone wrong.

My boyfriend and I are fighting right now, and they won't be staying with me from Christmas to new year's anymore. Also I won't be seeing them on Christmas anymore. Tbh I don't know if we're going to stay together through new year's. Part of me feels like we'll break up before then.

My fucking apartment complex towed my car a few weeks ago and I didn't find out until like the 15th, meaning the lot that impounded my car - which charges by the day - had already billed me at $290 and I won't be able to get a ride out there until Tuesday (which is gonna cost me like $350 at that point, and I have to pay them to tow my car back because it's not even fucking running right now so I can't drive it home)

TW: Suicide mention, self harm mention

Tonight I've thought about suicide for the first time in... probably 8 or 9 months. Like, actually thought about it, not just "I'm gonna kill myself lol" which happens any time something mildly inconvenient happens.

I thought about self harm tonight. For the first time in a l o n g fucking time. The last time I self harmed with a blade, which is what I was thinking about tonight, I was 17. It's been over 6 years since I've done that, but the cold kiss of the blade was calling my name tonight.

I've always hated the holiday season.

I'm from a split family made of split families. Growing up, I went to probably 5 or 6 Christmases per year on average. Each one with different members of my absurdly large family, unrelated to the other groups but all connected through me.

I never felt like I belonged at any of them.

Maybe it's because I'm autistic.

Maybe it's because I'm just bad with names and faces

Maybe it's because I grew up among so many households, I have hundreds of family members, but I only met most of them a handful of times, some of them only once or twice in my life.

This year for Christmas my best friend and I are gonna get drunk and watch anime.

I love her. We used to date. Then we fucked behind our S/O's backs, and then we learned how to be friends. We really just had to fuck once to break the sexual tension.

But anyway, her family is going to Florida or something without her. And I'm not going to visit my boyfriend anymore.

I actually made plane with my best friend first, then cancelled on them to go visit my boyfriend. They even said they would give me a ride to the train station so I could catch a train across the state Christmas morning.

But since my boyfriend and I are fighting now, we're not doing that. I won't be seeing them for the rest of the year.

So I but them my best friend up and she's cool with just picking up our original plans where we left off. She's the best.

She's been telling me, literally for months, that my boyfriend isn't the right one for me. That I should find someone who wants the same things as me, instead of someone who I have to compromise with. Win-win instead of lose-lose.

I don't know what I want right now. Literally 3 or 4 days ago I was so happy. My boyfriend got us promise rings and did like a proposal at the park while we were taking Christmas photos and it was the single most romantic thing anybody has ever done for me.

And now I'm having second thoughts about the whole relationship.

Any time I try to have a conversation about my feelings or boundaries in our relationship, I feel like there's a 50/50 chance they'll either give me a hug and tell me they'll happily do that for me, or they'll get really upset and we won't talk for 2 or 3 days and it will be really tense for like a week. I really don't feel safe or comfortable bringing up those conversations because I never know whether they'll give me a hug or the silent treatment.

We started out as polyamorous, then we were in an open relationship (free to have other sexual partners, but not romantic partners), and we're currently completely monogamous until we sort some things out

Except that my boyfriend still has another sexual partner that they're seeing and have refused to stop. They said it was a personal boundary of theirs and not to even ask them to stop, so I haven't. But I'm really not comfortable with it. And they were with him today, and that's what lead me to being a whole mess today

That alone is making me question things. Add on top of that that I don't feel safe bringing up boundaries with them... I don't know if we'll make it until the end of the year at this point...

On an unrelated note, I'm 2 days into 5 nights of closing in a row. I normally only work 2 or 3 days in a row, and normally only close on Fridays and Saturdays, so it's already weird enough closing instead of going in at noon Mon-Wed, but also 5 nights in a row?

I was this 🤏 close to calling off work tn and it was only the second shift of five.

I hate my fucking job and I resent the fact that I have to work in order to justify my fucking existence under capitalism.

I just want to spend all day browsing the web and learning way too much about niche topics and playing and making video games

But even though I have a fucking degree in game design and 10 fucking years of experience with C++ I have to work at fucking cvs because I can't get a job as a designer.

I don't think I posted about it, but I've been putting in applications to like, all of the game studios in Michigan. Of the applications I sent in, only one made it to the point of the design test, and I didn't make it past that.

I've been looking for a job as a game designer for 8 months now and haven't even been able to get an interview.

My relationship is falling apart. My dead-end job isn't going anywhere and I can't get a job in my field. I hate the holiday season. My whole life feels like it's crumbling before my eyes.

Fuck.

Fu k fuck fuck fuck fuck fu k fu k f uck dcuk fuck duck fu k fuck duck fuck fuck fuck duck fuck fuck fuck fuck fick fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck duck fuck fuck fuck fuck fick fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck

[warpcorp]

Vent

The fact that im alwyas going to be sick. That im alwyas going to be jn pain. That im always going to BE IN PAIN all of the fucming time in my life, tbag i wont feel relief, thag theres no cure... i literally cannot fathom this. You dont unferstand how much pain im literally in every second of every fucking day i just want to leave this fucking body that doesnt work i want a normal goddamn body i want one thag isnt falling apsrt at the goddamn seams i csnt do this mt entire childhood fuckign wasted by all this pain and fatigue i have zero future i cant do anytbing i hate this

Im litwdallt wasting away.

[our-smooty]

November hasn't been any better than October so far yaaaaaay

[amerasdreams]

Most self improvement things are things you can do. All are really bc if it's something you are, you can't change it. There are some things about yourself you can't change, things written in your DNA. But everyone can perform kind actions.

kindness is a discipline, not a trait

[spart-an-blog]

I can't breath. I've been in the middle of an attack for over a week now and I can't stop the anxiety. My brain is fine but my body is having the physical reaxtion. My doctor canceled on me so I can't figure this out right away my life is falling apsrt my store is starting to go under water the government is shit all my friends are having meltdowns I can't afford to feed myself let alone fix my car pay my rent or my mounting electric bill. I dont know how to breath anymore. I am drowning and I cant tell my family this because I don't know how. I don't even know if their help will be from love or pitty. So I post here where friends and family cant see me suffocate. Im not sure why. Maybe I like suffering,maybe I just don't want to burdon them. I don't know. I don't know.