#but i SWEAR he has been reading as queer to me from the moment i first saw him

[sushisocks]

cmon you cant just say how queercoded sean is and then not expand on itผ(•̀_•́ผ)

/lh

My need to constantly talk about Sean MacGuire is really being indulged lately jnhbvbjnbh Thank u dear anon <3

oKAY so like, anon, I will be the FIRST to admit that me calling Sean queercoded might've been a strong choice of words all things considered (especially compared to ACTUALLY explicitly gay Bill Williamson which could go for queercoding considering it's only really explicit if you look for it or catch it). I read Sean as queer in a lot of ways, and that is probably in no small part because I'm queer myself. BUT in my defense, what am I supposed to take away from the developers cuffing Sean's jeans like that?? His queer little swagger???? The outfit with that haircut?????? That is a BISEXUAL MAN if I've ever seen one!!!

^me rn fr (always, about Sean and Lenny in particular. My gay Lenny headcanon is a lot more solid though, I'll be frank, and I'm honestly waiting to go the fuck off about it properly here some day lmao)

On a more serious note though, I definitely think Sean's admiration for Arthur can be read as a little bit of a crush in certain instances. Not that I particularly ship that pairing, but certain ways Sean responds to Arthur has always had me 🤔🤔 For example (and I'm really gonna out myself and how often i rewatch his missions here) in pouring forth oil, when Arthur gets mad forreal for a sec and threatens Sean (after Sean has a tantrum abt not being invited along which.... come on), and Sean laughs, there is DEFINITELY a crush-related way of reading that interaction & Sean's response. Not to mention the lil lookover Sean gives him I mean COME ON he's not even that subtle!

Not to speak of the fact that the first thing he does after being rescued from bounty hunters is ask Arthur for a hug - how many of yall Arthur Morgan horny ppl wouldn't die to do the same? Sean was ahead of the game. He's one of you, I swear.

I think Sean being queer makes sense with his personality too, as the sort of laid-back and easy-going one. Though I also think, given the time and the fact that I think he's bi, it's probably not smth he's ever thought very hard about? You know, heteronormativity etc etc, him and Karen having their messy thing going on etc etc, but Sean WOULD kiss a homie and not really have a problem with it. He'd just -- not think about it much harder, you know?

It's that same attitude he has, which leads me to believing if given the chance he'd be very gnc. I know I've said it before but I do headcanon that modern au Sean would def fuck around with skirts and makeup and nailpolish, and have a very loose relationship with his gender as a man at best. It makes sense to me, for someone who is both that easygoing, and has that sense of interest in societal issues, to at some point have the realization of 'oh gender roles are made up' and act accordingly, you know?

And then I'm also taken with, and sort of speaking from, this sort of perspective of the gang at large as very queer. Speaking of it in that academic way, as a sort of rejection of normative society - heteronormative society in particular - there's absolutely an inherent queerness to this entire gang of outlaws doing as they will. When being queer has always meant being ostracized from society, it is easy to read characters ostracized from society as queer; in this way, and in my opinion, the queercoding is inherent to this game, and these characters. It's there at the very foundation of their situation and way of living, and it's why I personally am never going to argue against any type of queer headcanon (and why I'm a proponent of many of them myself lol). Me seeing queerness in Sean and Lenny, is no different from me seeing it in Arthur and Charles, or Sadie and Karen, or Hosea and Dutch, or literally ANY other gangmember.

I feel like I went on a tangent here, again, as I am prone to do, BUT my main point is: Sean MacGuire is so so queer bcz I said so, and becuase why the fuck else would he be like that?

[steddieas-shegoes]

fairy porn crisis

for @steddieholidaydrabbles prompt 'bookstore au' wc: 964 rated m cw: dirty talk, implied sexual content tags: bookshop owner eddie, steve is having a sexuality crisis but subtly, flirting, getting together, modern au

📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖

"Thanks for covering for me, Wayne," Eddie said as he set his bag down behind the front desk, slightly out of breath from running from the bus. "Won't happen again."

"'S alright, son. Everything go okay with the counselor?" Wayne sipped from his mug, probably his fourth or fifth cup of coffee since he opened the shop that morning.

"Yep. Still on track to graduate in May."

Wayne's stipulation when he "sold" the bookshop to Eddie was that he still get his degree as backup. "Bookselling is a dangerous game and I won't have ya strugglin' if somethin' fails."

"Thatta boy," Wayne clapped him on the shoulder. "Been a slow morning. But your favorite customer is in the back."

Eddie felt his face heat up.

"He's not my favorite."

"Sure he isn't." Wayne rolled his eyes. "I'm off to get a beer with Dave. Call if you need me."

Eddie gave him a thumbs up as he checked over his emails, the one thing Wayne was terrible about doing when he was covering the store. There weren't many, never really were on Tuesdays.

He waited for Wayne to leave, the door chiming with his exit.

He jumped up and made his way around the counter, walking towards the back room hastily.

He found Steve sitting on the beanbag placed in the corner, book in his lap, face bright red.

Eddie squinted until he could see what book he was reading and nearly passed out.

His Ring was the first book in a series focused entirely on a group of queer mythical creatures. It was the only book of the series Eddie had read, and he'd only admit it under risk of death.

It wasn't that it wasn't good. It's just that it was basically porn.

And this one in particular focused on two male fairies, one who was gay and one who spent the entire first half of the book having a bisexuality crisis.

Steve was reading it with the prettiest blush on his face.

Steve, who up until this moment, passed as the straightest human being Eddie had ever met.

"Have you gotten to the part where Ereldi has to sit on Brelend's lap for an entire dinner?" Eddie asked.

Steve jumped and slammed the book closed, pushing it under his legs as if Eddie hadn't already called him out. "What are you talking about?"

"Stevie, I'm the last person to judge your reading habits. But I do have to ask why the sudden interest in queer fairy porn? You're usually reading sports memoirs and doing word searches."

In other words, 'are you interested in testing out your sexuality with me? I can pretend to be a mythical being if needed.'

"Just needed a change of scenery?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

Steve's blush deepened, and fuck, Eddie was about to be so unprofessional. Hopefully he wouldn't lose a customer over it, but it was a risk he had to take.

It's just that sometimes Eddie could swear Steve was watching him while he shelved books or swept the front room floors. And sometimes he caught him staring at him during his weekly storytime for kids where he gave out free books and cookies.

And Eddie always wanted to have Steve in his lap.

So.

"I." Steve refused to make eye contact, a sure sign that something was going on. "I just got curious. Heard someone talking about it and wanted to see if they were telling the truth."

"And were they?"

Steve didn't answer, so Eddie decided it was now or never.

"You know," he took a few steps closer to Steve. "I'm not usually one for those books. But there's something about the way they paint a very clear picture of how Ereldi rides Brelend in the forest that just draws me in." Another few steps. "Actually, Ereldi reminds me a bit of you."

Steve visibly gulped.

"But you wouldn't be interested in riding someone would you, Stevie? Prefer women to hop onto your lap and go for a ride?" Eddie's heart was racing.

And then it stopped completely when Steve gave the most unexpected answer he could have possibly given.

"I'd be interested in riding you."

Steve's wide eyes stared back at Eddie, daring him to make a joke, daring him to laugh.

Eddie wouldn't joke or laugh about this. He wasn't wasting this chance.

"Is the forest a requirement or could I go lock the front door and take you upstairs?"

Okay, so he couldn't not make a little joke.

"Forest sounds messy. Upstairs."

"Oh, I plan to make a mess of you regardless of location, sweetheart," Eddie leaned over Steve, foreheads touching, smirk growing as Steve's eyes closed. "Won't even have to get you hard, huh? The book did all the work for me."

Steve tilted his head back, lips puckering, searching for contact from Eddie's.

Eddie pulled away. "I close up in ten. You know the way upstairs?"

Steve's eyes blinked open as he nodded.

God, he was gonna be fun.

"You wanna be a good boy and wait for me up there?" Steve nodded and stood from the chair, wobbling slightly as he tried to gain his balance. "I want you naked in bed when I get up there, got it?"

"Um, I've never-" Steve started.

"Oh, sweetheart. I know. It's written all over you. I'm gonna take real good care of you, though. Better than anything you would read in that book."

"Eddie?"

"Yeah, sugar?"

"I really like you."

Eddie heard what he wasn't saying, knew without a doubt that he had to do this right or risk scaring him away from more than just the store.

"I really like you, too, Stevie." Eddie kissed his cheek. "You're in good hands."

"I know."

[madlori]

Ship dysphoria

Ok so a bit of time has gone by, and the 9-1-1 fandom is settling into a bit of an...existential crisis?

Because 90% of this fandom is built on Buddie. Buddie has always been the strongest driving force. We love our other blorbos, but it's Buddie that usually drives us feral.

Except...Buck/Tommy. OMG. It is WORKING for a lot of fans. (and JFC we cannot settle on a ship name. Tevan? Kinley? I'm gonna stick with Buck/Tommy)

A LOT of fans are having a "I'm a devoted Buddie shipper, why do I like this so much??" moment and it can almost feel like a betrayal, or that you're deserting the ship (the ship that, remember, Oliver told us to stay aboard).

And I think I can probably speak for everybody when I say that the last thing we want or need is a ship war in this fandom, something we haven't ever really had but which has torn other fandoms apart.

So I'm gonna put on my veteran-of-many-fandoms hat for a second and tell you a thing:

It's okay to ship Buck and Tommy. It's ok to do that and still ship Buddie. It's also okay to leave Buddie behind if it's not working for you anymore. It's okay to just tolerate Buck and Tommy and not really care about it, and stay focused on Buddie. You are allowed to ship however it works for you, and you are not limited to one and only one ship. If you decide you don't think Buddie will happen and you're going to cut your losses, that's okay, too. It is not a reflection on your character or something. You don't swear an oath of fealty to a ship.

We don't know how long Tommy will stick around, but Buck will still be bisexual. He may date another man. He may date a woman again. You can ship those things too.

But why is this ship hitting me so hard? I never thought I'd like Buck with another man! I'm so confused!

I get that. There are some reasons why that might be.

There is something very appealing about a ship that's canon. Some of you might never have had a canon queer ship, but the pull is strong. There's no guessing, no interpreting, no subtext-examining. It's there, it's real, you don't have to wonder if you're just overinterpreting things. Yes. Buck and Tommy kissed and are going on a date. Even if that's all it ever is, you'll never be accused of "seeing things that aren't there." Don't discount that.

Tommy, even in just 1.5 episodes, is a LOT more integrated into the firefam than any of Buck's previous girlfriends. Tim talked about not wanting him to be "siloed off" away from the main cast and that was exactly the problem with his prior girlfriends. Tommy is friends with Eddie. He knows Christopher and has hung out with him. He spent most of that loft conversation reassuring Buck that his place in Eddie's life was secure. He feels more like part of the gang than any other ones. That makes it easier to see him in Buck's life.

The mere fact of Buck's queer awakening is so monumental for so many of us that the character who helped him get there is going to naturally earn our affection immediately, and it's going to make you want that relationship to succeed, even if it's ulitmately not endgame for Buck. You want to see Buck have a good experience the first time out with a man. Of course you do.

And we just want to see Buck make out with a hot beefy firefighter. That is so valid of us.

Anyway. There is no need for a crisis. You can love Buddie with your whole heart and still be excited about this pairing, and want to see how it goes, and read fic about it. I may be writing a lil something myself.

You're good, fam.

[kaelie-quill]

Writeblr Intro

This feels super awkward to do but I'm putting myself out there for better or worse, so! I go by Kaelie on here, I am 22, Queer, and go by she/her pronouns. I've been on writeblr on and off since I was maybe fifteen but haven't touched it in four years. I am now 22 and for most of those four years I have been plagued by my current WIP, currently called Project Genesis. I've only just recently forced myself to really sit and try to get it out of my head.

I'm kind of ashamed to admit that the only book I ever finished was a warrior cats fan fiction I wrote when I was twelve (It was like forty chapters, I wrote it by hand in a notebook and I let someone take it home and read it one time and it haunts me) Everything since then has either been abandoned and never even made it out of the planning stage.

For the last four years I've been super stressed and in a super bad mental state and had no time to truly sit and try to write anything and if I did I thought it was absolute trash and it kinda made me hate writing. I even stopped reading despite being obsessed with books from the moment I could read, but in the last year and a half I have rediscovered my love for reading and now I want to try writing again.

Project Genesis is meant to be a multi-book high fantasy series with horror elements (maybe, I've not read many horror books and have little experience writing it. Any tips on writing horror, or good horror books to read would be much appreciated) It's got alternating POVs, basically everybody is queer, lots of religious imagery (maybe only if you squint, but I swear sometimes I feel like I'm just ripping off the Bible)

Despite existing for almost for almost four years its hard to describe what it's actually about? The first book at least is a dual POV about one character denying and running from their destiny to avoid becoming a sacrificial lamb, and another character trying to carve out a destiny for himself when he's not meant to have one (not in a 'he's supposed to be dead' way but in a 'you're life isn't supposed to have any affect on the world' kinda way)

It is currently in early planning stages, I'm working on a zero draft and outline before really hunkering down to try a first draft. I don't know how this is gonna go as far as like updates? I'm really just kinda using this as motivation, like if I talk about and say I'm doing it I can keep myself accountable and not just drift away from this like so many others. I expect it to all be horrible but so long as it's something I can go back and make it better. Thanks for reading! 👋🏻

[brotherwtf]

What happens the morning after Gale climbs up into John’s bunk in flight school? 🤭

oh my God I was waiting for someone to ask this.... let's just say Gale's having homosexual thoughts and Johns trying to figure out the meaning of the word

----

Gale tried not to think about it.

He tried not to think about what he had done, what he had so foolishly done because he was caught up in the heat of the moment, caught up in his stupid queer feelings for John. He tried not to think about how John tasted, how he felt heavy in his mouth, tried not to think about the salty bitterness of his come.

He also tried not to think about how John seemed to want him to stay, he seemed like he was reaching for Gale when he pulled away, but Gale was definitely reading into that.

He said they would talk in the morning, but Gale decided he was going to go on a run. To try and forget about it, he reasoned. He did about three laps around the base before the thoughts of John's breathy moans clenched fists came back to him, and he finally decided to go back to the barracks. John was likely gone, he probably had missed him. At, least, that's what he hopes.

But John was sitting at his desk, reading Gale's book of poems with his eyebrows furrowed and Gale knew that this conversation had to happen at some point.

"Morning," Gale says, his voice thick and a little scratchy. He winces at the thought of what could have caused it.

John gives him a tight lipped smile, one that conveys he has a thousand things to say but no idea how to say it and it's ripping Gale apart inside.

"So..." John starts but Gale just interrupts him.

"I'm sorry, John. I shouldn't have done something like that, it was foolish and wrong and I understand if you want nothing to do with me anymore. I can move out, we can never talk again, I'm just so fucking sorry, John," Gale pleads.

John pauses, mouth hung open in slight confusion as he looks at Gale. He doesn't seem angry or upset, like Gale thought he would be, he just seems so conflicted.

"What? Buck, no, I swear I'm not mad, really. I'm just... I don't understand it because I liked it. I liked it a lot... when you did it," John says and hell must have frozen over because for the first time in John's life he looks embarrassed to admit that, a pretty flush painting John's cheeks pink.

It's Gale's turn to balk, completely taken aback by the tender confession. His mind is spinning. John liked it, he liked it. He didn't hate Gale or think he was a no good queer for what he had done.

"You liked it?" Gale asks carefully and John shakes his head, scrubbing a hand down his face and sighing.

"Yeah? I did, Buck, I liked it when you did it," John admits.

Gale walks closer to John, slowly, until he's standing right in front of him and has to peer down to look at him.

"What does that mean for us, John?" Gale asks, voice barely above a whisper.

One of John's hands experimentally comes up to hold Gale's hand, tries interlacing their fingers and sighs, expression still confused.

"I want to try it, I want to try doing this... whatever this is... with you. You've got me hooked, Gale," John admits, and that's when Gale leans down to kiss him.

It's something tender, just the pressing of lips together with their fingers interlaced, Gale has to bend down a little bit to slot their lips together but it feels good, it feels correct. John's lips are warm and there's a slight scratch of stubble from the scraggly mustache he's been trying to grow, but everything feels right, it feels good, and Gale can't help but smile.

He pulls away and gives John a sweet smile, which he returns and squeezes Gale's hand between his.

"Yeah, let's try it," Gale admits and he leans down to press another tender kiss to John's lips.

[jooniperbonsai]

Thanks For The Sub (ksj) | Chapter One

Pairing: Camboy!Seokjin x Gamer!Reader (afab)

Rating: 18+

Chapter One length: 11-14k 18,371 (OOPS LOL)

Release date: Fri. January 19, 2024.

Genre: Smut, fluff, angst, camboy au, gamer au, comedy, crack, slow burn (?), coworkers/boss/friends to lovers, an exploration of adults in their late 20s/early 30s

Summary: After a clip of you sucking at video games goes viral, you've become somewhat famous, with thousands of subscribers now tuning in each week to see you play. Overnight, you've gone from a sexually frustrated grad student who reads smut in her room to a gamer girl (or rather, a not-gamer girl). This would have been the perfect job, except it was never the job you wanted. Desperate for money to pay for grad school, you bounce between your new gig and working at a local restaurant to pay the bills, where your hot coworker-now-boss Seokjin plays many of the lead roles in your sexual fantasies.

Seokjin, two years post losing his fiancé and job within the same day, is tired of the rut he's dug himself into and wants to start over. Now 30 years old, he's stuck managing his family's restaurant where he harbors an insanely inappropriate crush on you on top of carrying one hell of a secret: Seokjin is also known as Jin, a successful gay-for-pay camboy on the streaming site Worldwide Handsome.

When the stress of the upcoming semester and the pressure to stream becomes more than you can handle, you seek out some much-needed stress relief online, only to discover a man who looks a little too much like your boss is staring right back at you.

Warnings for Chapter One: Swearing, cheating (not between main characters), big age gap between lesser characters that can be uncomfy, sex work, gay sex work when the worker is actually not gay (but everyone is chill about it), <- allusions to queer fetishization bc of this, feelings of shame and guilt, feelings of failure/depression, improper restaurant safety procedures, the existential crisis of your late-20s/30s that we all seem to go through, off-handed references to kpop culture including fanfics because I'm a clown and need to call us out sometimes, silly literary tropes, references to pregnancy (NOT reeader), boss-employee power dynamics, allusions to queer BTS members or relationships, cameos of au Seventeen Members (Wonwoo and y/n are besties). NSFW sex stuff: big dick Seokjin (of course), Seokjin with rolled shirt sleeves and cutting things in a kitchen, Daddy Dom Seokjin makes himself known, blindfolds, camming (obviously), f/m masturbation, lots of dirty talk, sex toys, degradation kink, praise kink, sexual fantasies at the worst moment, kink exploration, a lot cum (sorry), I mention the omegaverse as a joke, a sparkly pink dildo, seokjin has a massive collection of toys and he intends to use them, seokjin and reader are constantly horny, reader is kind of inexperienced, implied exhibitionism kink, implied voyeurism, implied public sex.

a/n: it's here (and longer than I intended but oh well!) this fic is inspired by a combination of fics from the lovely writing community on here, the copious amounts of smut I read, a dabble of my friends or my own experience, & the high drama of kdramas. I felt really compelled to write this fic after rereading "tip 143 (for ∞ seconds of love)" by minilouvre on ao3. I feel like the camboy/person trope is so fun to explore and I wanted to try my own take on it with our Seokjin, who doesn't seem to get as many fics written about him but absolutely deserves it. I also wanted to create space for a fic that explores the weird transition of late 20s-30s that both BTS and I (and maybe many of you) have experienced in the last few years. I hope you enjoy! I keep my inbox open, so lmk your thoughts!

xo - h

That’s it baby cum for me. 

Such a good little slut for Daddy.

Wish that dildo was my cock. 

Fuck this is so hot.

The tip jar was going wild. The mute button tapped long ago, tonight was by far the most successful night camming Seokjin had ever had. He would definitely be able to afford that new gaming PC after this. 

Thank god. After three hours streaming, he was getting tired of riding the glittery pink dildo. It was cute–a Christmas gift from one of his loyal subscribers– but admittedly, he hadn’t prepped well enough before putting it in an hour ago, and when he let out a pained groan as he sank down on it, he immediately knew he would be feeling it tomorrow, and maybe the next day. 

His only consolation was the five new top-tier subscriptions he’d received while experiencing searing hot pain. He’d clearly appealed to someone’s kink. Well, there was always something for everyone. 

Seokjin knew this well. Today was his two-year anniversary since his first livestream on Worldwide Handsome, an international gay live cam site. During those two years he had seen just about every kink requested, from wax play to autoerotic asphyxiation to something called the omegaverse; he’d sifted through the internet and researched enough on each request to decide which ones he’d be willing to perform, and which kinks were too much outside of his comfort zone. 

Now, with an apartment full of gifted costumes and drawers full of just about every type of sex toy known to the human population (and perhaps even some aliens if those toys held any accuracy), it was obvious that Seokjin was a knowledgeable and successful camboy who could fulfill so many men’s fantasies.

Except for the fact that Seokjin wasn’t actually gay. 

Which is, as it turns out, also something people are into. 

Two Years Ago

It wasn’t that Seokjin ever intended to be a gay sex cam worker, much less a camboy at all, but two years, four months, three weeks, and twelve hours ago, Seokjin hopped on a plane after finishing a week-long conference in Los Angeles. He’d booked the first flight out, eager to come home to his fiancé. 

During the week, he hadn’t heard much from her. He understood, of course. She’d mentioned before he left that during that week she would be busy catching up on work and finalizing a really important project with a looming deadline. She’d been stressed about it the morning he left, practically shoving him out the door with his suitcase. 

But he missed her desperately, especially with the distance between them, and he was hoping he could regain some of that intimacy by trying phone sex. They’d been having less sex recently, probably from the stress of work, but he still craved her every single day, just like he did when they were in college. 

For most of his and Soon Yi’s relationship, they were insatiable. In college, they were known for being embarrassingly public in their displays of affection, with Yoongi once catching them in the kitchen at a party with Soon Yi’s hand down Seokjin’s pants and Seokjin’s hands up Soon Yi’s shirt. At first, Seokjin wondered if he always felt so horny because of his raging hormones and the fact that Soon Yi was the first person he’d had sex with. But even three years later, on the night he’d proposed, they had to leave the restaurant he rented out so they could have sex in the car. 

Soon Yi was charming. She matched Seokjin’s wit, always ready to keep up with a joke and take it to the next level. She fit in effortlessly with his group of friends, remembering their birthdays and always showing up with a tiny treat for them, even if they hated celebrating. His parents adored her the moment they met her. She was frequently fawned over when she visited his work to bring him lunch or to just stop by and say hello. 

When his boss, Mr. Choi met her during the company’s annual gala, he told Seokjin she was enchanting, she was the moon that lit up the evening sky. Mr. Choi was also incredibly drunk when he said this, but he wasn’t wrong. 

Soon Yi glowed through Seokjin’s darkest nights like the moon. 

That’s why when she denied every video call request he made during his trip, Seokjin knew something was wrong. He felt desperate and needy, something he’d never experienced during their relationship. 

As he laid in his hotel bed, touching himself to their memories, a strange need overtook him: he wanted to remind her that despite all the work stress, they always got through everything together and ultimately, being intimate might help with reconnection. 

So at the end of his boring conference, he flew back, planning on surprising her when she got home with a delicious meal and sexy massage. Maybe he’d even use those silly novelty heart-shaped handcuffs Jungkook got him as a gag gift. 

He was ready to rekindle his love for the moon. 

What Seokjin wasn’t ready for was the fact that when he walked through the door of his house, the only moon he saw was that of Mr. Choi’s naked ass as he thrust into Soon Yi on the dining room table. 

As it became immediately apparent, Soon Yi’s “work project” was clearly what was playing out before him as he watched the only woman he’d ever been in love with writhe in ecstasy underneath his much older work superior. 

It would have been one thing to lose his fiancé, but in witnessing this entanglement, Seokjin also knew he’d lost his job. Due to the blur of his memory, his brain trying to erase what he’d seen, he wasn’t entirely sure when they realized he was home. However, by the time he had grabbed another duffel with some fresh, non work-related clothes from his dresser–after he breezed past his unmade bed that probably didn’t smell like him anymore–Soon Yi and Mr. Choi were half dressed and sheepishly waiting for him near the entry.

Seokjin couldn’t bring himself to look either of them in the eyes as he stated his resignation letter would be on Mr. Choi’s desk the following morning. 

When he arrived at Jimin and Jungkook’s apartment to crash, that’s when reality set in. What would he do now? He had no house to live in, no job to make money from, and he just lost the love of his life. 

His head was splitting from the idea of car payments, a mortgage under his name for a place he wouldn’t be living in, having to tell his parents, calling the wedding venue and paying that awful cancellation fee on top of not getting his deposit back. The extra zeros in his bank account were depleting fast and it wasn’t like he would be able to sleep on Jimin and Jungkook’s couch forever. 

After two weeks of dodging family phone calls, desperately applying to every job that didn’t sound like a scam, waking up in the middle of the night from the lumpiness of the couch or Jungkook’s horrible snoring, Seokjin felt like he was out of options. 

“I’m going to call my parents and tell them. Maybe I can work at the restaurant for the time being while I wait for callbacks. I have some money in my savings for my own apartment. I just can’t keep doing this,” he said. 

“Hyung, are you sure? You know that we don’t mind you being here as long as you need. Really, it’s not an issue.” Jimin was gentle as always, the concern on his face knitting his eyebrows together. 

But Seokjin knew he was avoiding the inevitable, so when he nodded and then called his parents, their warm voices on the other end felt like a sign he’d made the right decision after all.  

The next week, Seokjin began working at his family’s restaurant, filling in for shifts that were short, typically in the kitchen. Chopping and prepping the food for the chefs, dish washing, and anything that kept his hands busy were welcome distractions from the painful reminder of what awaited him outside of the restaurant. 

Soon Yi was pregnant. Seokjin found out one day when he stopped by to grab a load of his things to bring to his new apartment. While both he and Soon Yi agreed to sell the house, it appeared she was taking longer than him to pack. He figured this was because she would be moving in with Mr. Choi, who lived in the penthouse of a luxury apartment complex downtown. 

During their meeting with the real estate agent, Soon Yi had scribbled her new contact information and mailing address onto some forms with Mr. Choi’s details. Wealthy people always operated on their own timeline, one where they could hire a moving company to have everything neatly packed and stored within hours. 

Seokjin, however, was limited to an ongoing loop of back and forth where he crammed his car full of silverware, lamps, and his MapleStory figure collection Soon Yi once mocked him for collecting. As Seokjin continued to pack away his belongings, he saw it. In the guest bathroom outside of the kitchen, there were two positive pregnancy tests in the garbage can. 

Soon Yi was pregnant and the father wasn’t him. The last time they’d had sex was three months ago. She would have known by now if that were the case. 

A wave of nausea rushed over him, and somewhere between bouts of gagging and wiping tears from his eyes, Seokjin realized that things were truly over. 

Two months passed, and still he couldn’t find a job. While the restaurant gig was taking care of some of his bills, it was only a matter of time before Seokjin would be unable to take care of himself. At 28 years old, he’d have to move back in with his parents, which was next to impossible in terms of space, not to mention the fact that his brother and wife were living with them while their apartment was being renovated to better accommodate a life transition of their own: they were expecting their first child.  

Given his semi-recent discovery, being around a pregnant woman was something Seokjin didn’t particularly want a reminder of. 

“I don’t know what to do. Something has to give,” he said one day as he sat in Yoongi’s living room. A thick coat of snow was covering the earth outside, though from the sweat running down the back of Seokjin’s neck, you would never be able to tell. Yoongi always kept his home at the exact opposite of the climate outside, trying to quell the possibility he would have to experience any physical discomfort if he dared to ever leave his house, which he rarely did.

His friends all sat around him, quietly sipping their whisky or beer while the flashing light from the TV casted a kaleidoscope of colors across the coffee table. Hoseok nudged Taehyung, who’d fallen asleep at some point between the long pauses in conversation. Seokjin couldn’t blame him. 

It was late, much later than the invitation Yoongi extended typically lasted, but this meetup was different. Everyone had always known Seokjin to be optimistic. From a goofy dad-joke-making 18 year old until now, he’d consistently been a source of light. When Taehyung’s grandmother died a few years back, it was Seokjin who made him first smile again with a spot-on impression of his own halmoni as they slurped bowls of naengmyeon.

His hair was shaggy and unkempt, his smile fading quickly from his face after cracking a joke. His jokes were also darker, less silly and eye-rolling and more self-deprecating and sarcastic. It was like his life was draining from him before their eyes, and it was becoming nearly impossible to stomach. 

But concern doesn’t always lead to action, which is why they were sitting around in Yoongi’s living room hoping the whisky would give them some inspiration to find a solution to Seokjin’s problem that he wouldn’t immediately turn down. They’d scoured job sites together earlier, and anything in Seokjin’s former profession only led to him suggesting his next boss better be a woman or else he might have to keep his future girlfriend away from corporate events or dining tables. Other careers in his field were met with similar disdain. 

Seokjin wasn’t always this way. In college, he didn’t know what kind of job he wanted or where he wanted to end up, so he majored in acting, hoping that it would lead him where he would eventually develop some sense of passion. 

In a sense it did. During an internship with an entertainment company shortly after he graduated, his attention to detail, natural charisma, and flexibility showcased a skillset he didn’t even know he had, which resulted in him being offered a position in their corporate headquarters the following fall. He’d been there ever since. 

But Seokjin didn’t want to return to the same life he’d had. So much of his life up to this point had been the same, and it clearly didn’t work out for him, so why continue on? The only issue was that he once again felt like he was 18, trying to decide on a path to follow when he didn’t even know who he was anymore. Nothing was appealing to him. 

“What about video game streaming?” Namjoon suggested. “You love games, and you have all the equipment. You used to talk about doing that all the time.” 

“Yeah, hyung. You’re also really good at talking and stuff, so it would be fun to watch you do it!” Taehyung perked up at this suggestion, shaking off his sleepiness to contribute to the conversation. “I’ve seen how much streamers make with all their sponsorships and stuff, they don’t even have to work another job!”

The energy in the room picked up slightly as they waited expectantly for an answer. 

Seokjin grunted. “Okay, look. I would love to do that. That’s my dream job. But you’re forgetting something important. Those streamers didn’t just jump on the internet one day and then got thousands of subscribers and sponsorships to pay their bills overnight. Some of them took years to build up their following before they even started making money off of it. A lot of people actually lose money from game streaming. And I need money now. I don’t have that kind of time!”

Taehyung deflated, settling himself back into the couch next to Hoseok, who gave him a tender pat on his thigh. 

“But what if…what if you did a kind of streaming that made you money pretty much right away?” Jungkook offered quietly. 

Seokjin glanced over at his youngest friend, who was holding his empty whisky glass in his hands instead of looking at him. 

“What do you mean? Is there some kind of gaming livestream service that does that?” Now Seojkin was curious. 

“Um, well, not for gaming, exactly. I was just thinking. Um, you could always do like an OnlyFans or something? I have a friend who does it and she sometimes makes $1000 a night. And that would take care of–”

“You mean being a camboy? Jungkook, seriously? Listen I know we’ve all had a bit to drink, but that’s a ridiculous idea.” Seokjin snorted. “Besides, the market is flooded with people doing their own sex work. Maybe your friend is just really pretty or something to make that much from it, but I highly doubt I would make any money off OnlyFans because no one would even see me!” 

Jungkook nursed his bottom lip between his teeth as he was dismissed, his body mirroring Taehyung as he fell back into the couch cushions. 

“Hyung is right,” Jimin added finally, having spent most of the night settled quietly next to an even quieter Yoongi. “He wouldn’t make much money on OnlyFans. All the men on there are either ugly or buff, and Seokjin-hyung looks way too gay to appeal to that market.” 

Yoongi, who was sipping his whisky as Jimin spoke, spluttered into the glass as he lost his composure, falling into a fit of laughter. From the other side of the room, Hoseok joined in, clapping and gasping for air between laughs.

“Excuse me? What the hell does that even mean? Yah, stop laughing! It’s not funny!” Seokjin fought the smile that was trying to form on his lips. Okay, it was a little funny.

“Well, hyung, isn’t it obvious? Remember that one time we went to a gay bar and all those guys I tried to pick up tried to pick you up instead?” Jimin sighed as he glanced at Seokjin before reaching across the coffee table to grab a handful of cheese balls. 

“We’ve been over this. They weren’t trying to pick me up. They just told me I was really handsome and had fuckable lips. And they’re not wrong!” 

“Wait when did you guys go to a gay bar? Where was I?” Yoongi cleared his throat, finally recovering from his laughing fit. 

“You didn’t want to come, remember? I don’t know why you’re asking this, you never want to go anywhere. Anyway that’s besides the point. Seokjin-hyung and I went to the gay bar and he stole all of the guys I was hitting on because they wanted to make him their baby girl!”

Hoseok wiped a tear from his eye and chuckled. “Yeah, no, hyung I’m sorry but if Jimin is being passed up at a gay bar for you, you clearly give off that vibe. I can see it. You look all soft and plushy and like you would be the perfect bottom.” 

Seokjin tried to fight off the heat that was creeping up his neck into his ears, but after a few glasses of whisky, and the ungodly temperature of the room,  it was a failed mission to avoid being flushed.

Jimin shot a glare at Hoseok, who shrugged. “What? I meant it as a compliment!” 

“Well, thanks I guess. Now I know I look like I’m gay. That doesn’t seem to solve my problem here!” Seokjin looked over at Namjoon for backup, but all Namjoon seemed to be able to do was give him an apologetic smile.

 “No, I know, I know. We got off topic.” Jimin said, “Sort of. Listen, like I said before you wouldn’t be successful on OnlyFans, just because of what they market. But you could always market yourself differently. And I’m thinking, if you really need to make money fast, you could always work with what you’ve got going for you.”

The entire room went silent. 

“Wait,” Namjoon said, “you don’t mean…” His eyes flitted to Seokjin and widened in alarm. 

Slowly, everyone shifted as they realized what Jimin was suggesting, Seokjin evidently being the last one. 

How was he supposed to work with what he had when what he had was apparently drawing a different crowd of people from the one he was interested in? What did Jimin mean by marketing himself differently? Was he supposed to just stream on websites that were exclusively for gay men? 

Oh. That’s exactly what Jimin was saying. 

“Wh-Jimin what the fuck? You mean I should be a gay camboy? I know we just talked about me being attractive to men, but I’m not interested in them that way!”

Jimin huffed. “Well obviously I know you’re not gay. Otherwise we might not be in this situation.” 

Seokjin winced. 

“Sorry, that was unfair. It’s just…hyung, you’ve been so not like yourself lately. And you’re right, something needs to change. I know you’re not gay, but this still could help. Haven’t you heard of gay for pay? Like in porn and stuff a bunch of straight actors will fuck each other or some gay guy because it pays more than straight porn. It’s the same thing.”

“Only you don’t have to actually fuck anyone. Maybe you should remind him of that,” Yoongi added. 

“Right, exactly! Look, you don’t have to do it. But it could help you get by and pay bills in the meantime until you find something else that you want to do. And there’s a lot of sites where you can stream even once and get a direct payout the next day. It might be worth a shot.”

Seokjin thought about it for a moment. It didn’t sound completely awful. From what he’d seen from the times he saw cam sites out of curiosity, most of what happened was masturbating and talking to people. And he didn’t hate people. But something about it made him nervous. 

“I don’t know if I’d be okay with being watched. That seems embarrassing.” 

“Oh please, the number of times you and Soon Yi fucked basically in public is astronomical. You’re practically an exhibitionist,” Hoseok teased. 

“That was different! I was with her! Now it would be everyone watching just me up close and personal. Namjoon-ah, talk some sense into them. This is crazy, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know if it actually is, hyung,” Namjoon said lightly. “Jimin-ah and Hobi have made some good points. And I think…I think if you weren’t even just a little bit curious you would have immediately said no instead of going back and forth with them over it like how you flat out said no to the other stuff. Maybe you’re feeling a bit shy because it’s been a little while and you are trying to heal through the breakup and stuff, but you also don’t have to do it or you can do it once and change your mind after if you want. 

“It just doesn’t seem to me like this is the worst option for you. You get to talk to people, you can maybe have fun. You don’t see the people on the other side anyway, so if you wanted to pretend they were girls instead of guys you could, or turn off the comments probably? It’s not real sex though. And even if it was, is that so wrong? It’s not like you would be cheating on Soon Yi for doing this. I mean-”

“Thanks Hyung! I think we get it!” Jimin interjected, raising his eyebrows at Namjoon as if to say shut the fuck up. 

Seokjin felt his stomach sink. Is this why he was panicked at the thought? It wasn’t real sex, but it almost felt like he would be doing something wrong by doing this. Not morally against himself, but someone else. Maybe he was still hanging on to Soon Yi in ways he didn’t fully realize. 

He felt almost like a heavy weight was pressing on his chest and forbidding him from moving on. What would happen then if he tried doing this for himself? Would the weight still feel the same? He wanted to know. 

“Ah, fine, I’ll think about it.” He looked over at Yoongi, who looked relieved that the conversation was nearing its end. “You have anything to add to this? A final voice of reason?” 

Yoongi snorted as he jumped up to stretch. “Nah. Except, as your former roommate, ‘Seok’s got a point about the exhibitionism thing. You were way too into showing me your dick all the time and walking around naked when we roomed together.” 

The room erupted into laughter, Seokjin himself joining. This time his smile didn’t immediately fall from his face. 

Slowly, everyone else stood, bodies unwinding from furniture and each other. While Jimin ordered Jungkook and himself a taxi, Seokjin waited with him. 

“My only issue is, how do I pretend to be gay? Won’t they know I’m not?” 

Jimin scoffed as he nudged a sleepy and tipsy Jungkook into his shoes. “I don’t know hyung. You have an acting degree. Use it.”

A few weeks later, Seokjin held his first stream, nervously engaging with the handful of viewers trickling in and tried to deflect the discomfort he felt in his new spotlight.

“Um, hi everyone. My name’s Jin. Thanks for coming. You can probably tell, but this is my first time and I’m really nervous. I hope you enjoy the show.” 

Seokjin decided to shorten his name for his streams to help him feel like he was embodying a different persona, someone named Jin who may actually be gay. It wasn’t a big change, but it was nice to give himself some separation from Seokjin, the guy who was doing gay for pay to afford a new life.

Unfortunately, Jimin’s suggestion for Seokjin to act wasn’t as easy to implement as he’d hoped. Within the first half hour, viewers of his stream had noticed he was still nervous, and started asking him questions to get him to unwind, and hopefully undress. 

“Ah, yeah, uh, anal. I’ve done it once or twice, it’s nice.” It wasn’t a lie, he’d tried anal a few times with Soon Yi and did find it nice, but he also knew that this wasn’t what the question was asking. 

“Do I have a boyfriend? No, I’m single.” 

Slowly he began undressing, the heat of his half-truths causing him to feel like he was burning up. 

“Are you really gay? Well, what kind of question is that? I’m here aren’t I?” 

That question seemed to satisfy his audience for another half hour, until a new thread of people trickled in, asking him the same questions. He was running out of ways to answer.

I don’t care if you’re straight. You’re still hot. 

When he read this comment, he exhaled deeply. And from that one reaction, a flurry of others joined in. 

Yeah, idc either. You’re still so pretty. 

So hot if u were straight. Maybe I’d convert u. ;)

I’d let you put it into my ass and let you pretend it was a pussy.

For some reason, these comments began to fuel him. The attention was kind of nice. It reminded him of how he used to feel. 

Maybe he didn’t need to act gay to get what he wanted. Maybe he could just enjoy the pleasure of the compliments and company and see what happened from there? The weight he had been carrying around in his chest was feeling a bit lighter, and the comments were helping distract him from the pinches of guilt that he was doing something wrong. Because he wasn’t. 

Here, he was Jin, a sexy, flirty guy who could shine in the sky of his own making. 

Jin, the moon. 

That’s it. He was the moon.

Present

“That’s it, give it to me. Please, I’m gonna cum.” Seokjin hoped the words he moaned at his camera were true. He was so tired, and he wanted to be free from the stupid dildo.  

Lately, Seojkin has been having a hard time cumming on stream. He wasn’t sure why. For so long it had never been an issue, but streaming had begun feeling less like a fun way to relieve stress and more like an actual job. 

Never before was he so popular with his stream, and while it’s nice to see a larger deposit being made into his bank account each week, every time he came home from the restaurant and knew he was scheduled to do a cam show, his stomach knotted up with dread. 

The last time he felt this feeling was a little over two years ago, when hopping on planes to fly to mundane conferences or sitting in board rooms for morning meetings consumed all his time. Even during the period he was jobless, there was a tiny part of him relishing the fact that the work-related dread was over. 

And it returned with a vengeance. Seokjin tried everything, ventured into new kinks and even the game features of the website with the hope that he would feel the rush he used to love from streaming. But nothing really worked. It was now just his job.

He didn’t even want to stream for so long tonight, but because it was his anniversary, he wanted to make sure he ended on a good note to thank his viewers. 

One thing Seokjin’s viewers loved was seeing him cum. It was the part of his stream when he always earned the most tips. Jimin had been right. 

If Seokjin knew anything now, it’s that he had many assets worth using to finance his life, and his pretty face coupled with his big dick seemed to work for him.

But even as he stroked himself, precum dripping down the head of his cock, and even though he was riding the dildo in a way that would hit his prostate and finally give him an easy out, he could feel the edge pulling away.

“Fuck,” he grunted. He was losing it. He doubled down, rocking his hips to see if hitting a different sweet spot would do the trick. But it was to no avail; his cock was softening.

On his nightstand, his phone pinged, which only could mean one thing. Seokjin always turned his do not disturb mode on during his work hours, only allowing phone calls from his family or one alert from an app to pierce through the silence. This one was the alert.

It meant Y/N was online and you had just started a live stream of your own. 

You were one of this month’s top gaming streamers, bringing in more viewers than Seokjin had ever received during his top months of streaming. You were popular not because you were good, but because you were the exact opposite.

You were awful at most games you played, jolting at jumpscares over and over, losing in first rounds of Fall Guys or Dead by Daylight. One time you jumped into a game of Fortnite and were eliminated by a potty-mouthed child the second you landed. Your jaw hung open as the tiny, high pitched voice called you a bitchass before falling into a fit of laughter that had Seokjin himself in tears. 

You were inspiring. Sexy. You received dozens of comments every stream about how pretty you were or how great your laugh was, which you often didn’t read out loud but always offered a humble nod and show of thanks when you did. There was something about you that hit up the world around you, and though he wouldn’t so much as utter it out loud, Seokjin had a massive crush on you.

But Seokjin was also sort-of-not-really your manager. Unlike all the people pining over you in your comment section wishing they knew you in real life, Seokjin actually did. He saw you three times a week at his family’s restaurant that he was strong-armed into managing while his parents took the opportunity to finally travel and see other parts of the world. 

Seokjin stayed, not because he needed the money. Not that his pay was all that much anyway. 

Camming was incredibly lucrative for him, cementing his income in a way that allowed him to pay rent in a very nice apartment downtown. Seokjin was also someone who had always been smart with his finances and knew how to invest in the best trends. 

When his house with Yoon Si finally sold (after four months of her taking her sweet time to gather her last belongings and sign off on him putting it on the market), Seokjin took his cut and applied it toward a better streaming setup and some lower level stocks…and a special edition MapleStory figurine to celebrate the new chapter in his life. 

Seokjin’s family never seemed to question how he was able to afford his fancy apartment given how much money he made at their business. Well, they did ask once, but Seokjin orchestrated some simple lie saying he worked in cryptocurrency, and that seemed to be enough of an explanation for his family. No one wants to know how crypto works, which in the end worked in his favor. 

He’d planned to leave the restaurant about 8 months ago, but then you showed up one day asking about a job. The restaurant was within walking distance to your university, where you were getting your master’s degree in early childhood education. While the program you were enrolled in had some funding, you’d told Seokjin’s mother you were a student and in need of work. The following Monday, Seokjin walked in and found you with an apron tied around your waist, your bright eyes and smile shining back at him. He couldn’t bring himself to leave after that. 

A few months after you’d started working there, Seokjin and you had become somewhat friends, sharing stories about past jobs (minus some key details on Seokjin’s part), student observations you had to do for school, and your interests. You mentioned casually you were a livestreamer for gaming, never alluding to how popular you actually were.

Eventually, Seokjin convinced you to give him your username, batting his eyelashes dramatically and promising he would be your cheerleader. For some reason, that seemed to work, and later that night, Seokjin tuned in to your stream, one man among the thousands. From that moment on he let his crush become a safe thing where, like his own viewers, he could fantasize from behind a screen. Maybe soon he would actually ask you out on a date, taking your coworker relationship and transforming it into something more.

And then a month ago his parents left, leaving him with the roles and responsibility of manager. Which meant he was an authority figure who could arguably do whatever he wanted. Similar to how his boss in a way was an authority figure who could get whatever he wanted. That idea turned Seokjin’s stomach sour. He could never do anything about this crush now, not while you worked underneath him. It was too familiar and distorted, and he never wanted you to be in the position he was once in. It was completely inappropriate.

But try telling his dick that.  

Two days ago, Seokjin witnessed you in the kitchen bending over to pick up onion peels that had fallen to the ground. You definitely weren’t aware, but your skirt had ridden up a bit while you were working, and that meant he could see a tiniest delicate trim of lace on your blush colored panties. 

And despite the fact that Seokjin was 30 years old and had believed he’d gotten past his boner-in-public-just-from-seeing-underwear era during his teen years, he was evidently wrong. Because those panties and soft looking curve of ass didn’t just belong to anyone; they belonged to you.

This wasn’t the only time he got hard for you at work. Sometimes on days when there were no customers, he would watch you study at one of the tables, where you were prone to stretching your body after long periods of staring down, trying to unknot the tense muscles caused by sitting almost completely still as you tried to comprehend what you were reading. 

During those stretches, you would often let out the most sexual moans and sighs as you felt relief and it was enough to have Seokjin tucking himself under his belt like a horny school boy. God, what he would do to hear you moan underneath him, because of him. 

He thought about recording you stretching. He was addicted to your voice, your soft sighs. It would be so easy to just “leave” his phone in the booth behind you. Then he could hear it forever while he imagined what else made you moan. Did you like your nipples sucked? Did you sigh when you were being stretched open and felt full? How did you taste? 

And then Seokjin pulled himself together and realized how sickeningly perverted he was to be thinking about you like this as he stood hard and aching in the middle of his parents’ fucking restaurant.

He wanted you. So much so that now as he worked his cock in his fist, he let himself fall more into fantasy, one where you were watching, curious about the many toys and gifts around his apartment, wondering how you could reach the limits of what you wanted and needed to make you scream. He imagined that across town, you weren’t firing up your computer for a night of cozy games, but rubbing your pussy at the same speed he was stroking himself, wet and begging for him to cum all over those gorgeous tits, that wet tongue–

Seokjin groaned as he came, his entire body trembling as a thick load erupted all over his hands, chin, and chest. Normally he could control the direction to minimize the mess but this orgasm caught him a bit off guard, almost completely lost until it crept up with a burning need and coated him. He hadn’t felt that good in a while. 

As he panted and focused his eyes back onto the screen, his comments were flooded with praise and tips, viewers exclaiming how this might have been his best orgasm they’ve ever seen, which was saying a lot considering some of his subscribers had been with him from the very beginning, and there had been some pretty fantastic orgasms. 

He wouldn’t deny it, though. He felt looser in his joints, calm washing over him and breaking apart the bitterness that was in his gut from how lackluster streaming had been recently. He wiped his chin with a grin and reached for the towel next to him, ready to wrap up his show. As he delivered his thank yous, one comment drifting through the chat stopped him dead in his tracks. His post-orgasmic high was crashing as panic flittered into his stomach. 

Did you guys hear him moaning a name as he came? Who the fuck is Y/N?

She had to leave. If the king couldn’t overcome his malice, she knew she couldn’t stay. No amount of love she had for his son was going to make him see that. She’d told him she loved him despite the scar that ran over his left eye and down his soft cheek. She vowed to be good enough to marry him, do whatever it took. Yet the king and queen had laughed at her, had their guard hold his foot on her back so she couldn't stand up from her deep bow. 

Laughed as they stood from their thrones to welcome the guest’s arrival: the consort for their son. The prince stood with them, silent as he followed them through the open doors. Quiet like how he used to be back in the first days of when she met him last summer. In memory, she couldn’t even fathom how he was anything like the man she’d grown to love. Yet, looking up from the pulp of the floor, she’d seen him return to that man. 

Hadn’t the days she’d spent walking those palace gardens with him been enough? They’d stood together under the plum blossom tree in the middle of winter and he’d promised that he would love her even while the buds were hibernating. 

“We can watch them become flowers together in the spring,” he’d said. 

He had taken her to his bed that night. Used his sensuous tongue to lap at her sweet nectar. He devoured her heart and soul. Climaxed with her and held her through the heavy snow.

Where was that man now? She didn’t know.

She waited until well after nightfall, when even the latest bird twitterings were silenced by the call of sleep. She knew she couldn’t bring much, but she managed to slip into the kitchen after dinner to pull together a few scraps for the road. Where would she even go? The nearest village was at least a two-day walk and if he sent his men for her, she knew word would spread before she’d even arrived. 

Unless he didn’t send anyone for her, she realized, her stomach dropping with nausea. He wouldn’t send anyone for her. She knew this. It’s why Prince August stood in the throne room, lethal as ever, even with no sword in his belt. August. Sugar. Whichever person he decided he was in the moment. Her nickname for him didn’t matter anymore. He wasn’t sweet. His desire for power showed the bitterness in his heart. He had given in to his parents’ wishes, despite the times he swore he would never give them the satisfaction.

He was cruel. But even worse, she believed he wouldn’t be. She was a fool.

It was the darkest part of the night when she left the servant’s quarters. She’d miss the ladies and all their kindness, but she knew she couldn’t serve August his breakfast in his bedchamber after this. After knowing that the sheets she once laid in with him were now being laid in by someone else. 

She took the back route, near the interior of the garden, ducking behind the ornamental shrubs and skirting past the watchpost the guards usually abandoned at this hour with ease. All that was left was to make it through the courtyard and she would be free. 

She padded her way along the path. A light breeze of the pre-dawn was catching, fluttering the branches of the newly blossoming trees around her and blowing petals in their wake. She caught one in her fingertips and fought a sob. Plum blossoms.

Should she take one with her? For the memory? So that she could always have a part of him with her? 

No, she decided. It would be too much to remember this. Once she passed through those gates, she would not be the same woman she was. Holding her breath, she let the petal go, hoping wherever the wind carried it, it would find the peace she too was looking for. It swept to the end of the courtyard, over the gate that was now her future. 

This was a sign, she mourned. Not all promises were meant to be kept.

With a final look at the place she’d learned to call home, the man she’d learned to call home, she opened the gate, ready to forge into the unknown. 

“Petal,” she thought she heard his call, his nickname for her. Though when she turned around, he was nowhere to be found. 

She must’ve imagined it, wished for the impossible. As she took steps through the gate, she looked out at the world around her, the plum petal a few feet in front of her. Maybe she would take a piece of him with her, after all. It was too tempting not to. 

She moved, trying to ignore the tug she felt back toward the palace, the invisible string of fate she thought that tied her to August trying to tangle her back in. She wouldn’t do it. She wouldn’t go back. 

She bent down, clutching the petal tenderly in her palms and letting the first tears fall. 

“So that’s it, hm? After all that, you weren’t even going to wish me goodbye.” 

She rose swiftly, whipping around to the voice’s owner. 

There, leaning against the outer palace wall, was August. 

The alarm on your phone chimes, pulling you from the book in your lap. You’ve been reading all afternoon, the sun now taking its final bow before plunging the world into darkness. Soon you’ll have to turn the lights on, then it will be time for work. On your only day off. 

You groan, stretching your neck as you allow yourself to come back to reality. 

To some, it would be hard to call your job “work”. Many people dreamed of being professional game streamers. Who wouldn’t want to be paid to sit online, play games, and talk to people? 

You don’t. That’s the problem. 

Your ascent into gaming stardom was a fluke. About 9 months ago, you were in between semesters for your grad program and looking for ways to unwind. Your oldest friend, Wonwoo, was a pretty successful streamer who often hosted game nights to play with his viewers and friends. 

You frequently watched his streams, letting his soft voice be the perfect background noise as you studied and formulated the next lesson plan or behavioral assessment. You’d known Wonwoo for what felt like forever at this point, being his first subscriber, first moderator, and first kiss (not in that order). But your middle school kiss outside of the convenience store never led to anything more than that, as desperately as you’d wanted it to. 

Once he moved across the country, you let your crush die with the distance. The years turned faster and your twenties were spinning by with the revolving door of lovers you’d watch him pine over, cry over, and in one case, almost marry. Streaming then became one of your main forms of connection, and your role as his moderator tied some part of you to him out of loyalty. To imagine him as anything other than a friend now feels ridiculous. 

But that loyalty you have is also to a fault. When Wonwoo’s usual streaming friends bailed one night during a tournament, you subbed in…for a game you didn’t even know how to play. 

And to make matters worse, this was a game that required talking to each other on-stream, which meant you not only sucked major ass at this game, but Wonwoo’s 700 viewers that day were also subjected to your constant frustrated squeaks, swears, and embarrassed maws as you tried to key-smash your way to victory but ended up throwing the entire team’s game with your incompetence. 

Wonwoo wasn’t mad, though many others were. He knew what he was getting into when he agreed, and his streams operated with very few rules: no hate, no spam, and we are in this to have fun. And he did have fun. By the time the first round was over, he and most of the chat were losing it over your commentary. 

As he wiped tears from eyes and took in a breath, he read his comments. “‘Damn, I never heard a chick threaten someone with a plunger like that before’. Yeah, I’ll give it to you, Y/N, you got really creative with your insults in that. Hey, PartyShitty thanks for the sub! ‘I can’t BREATHE’, yeah I’m still trying to get it together. W00000000000000000ziiiiii–damn that’s a lot of zeros in that username–thanks for the 5000 points! ‘Is she hot’ uh, I mean, I don’t— 

“Oh shit, LetsGetIt15, thank you for gifting twenty subs! ‘Please, Y/N, start your own channel. I’ll be the first subscriber.’ Actually, no, I’ll be. But really, that's not a bad idea.”

Wonwoo navigated the rest of his stream with ease that night, but after it was over, he called you to try to convince you to start your own channel. 

“It could help with school at least! Or you could get that special edition of that one book you like with the dragons or the blue alien porn stars or whatever it is.”

“They’re neither of those things, they’re actually–”

“Whatever they are! The book that has people fucking nonstop and some plot. You know, the special edition cover that you keep talking about in your close friend story that you won’t buy?” Wonwoo said. “The point is, if you start streaming you could finally buy it and then stop talking about it and I won’t need to see sections about how hot you think their alien or fairytale or demon whatever cocks are.” 

You couldn’t help but laugh at his exasperation. “That won’t stop with me getting that book, just so you know. And if it bothers you so much, I can take you out of the close friend story. I didn’t even know you looked at my stories that much.” You didn’t know he still used Instagram at all actually. He very rarely posted. He mostly lived on his Discord channel talking about games with his subscribers or other friends.

Regardless, it was nice to know that he was trying to be aware of your interests, even if it was incredibly embarrassing. Although the copious amount of smut you read wasn’t something you always wanted to broadcast to the public, you’d still made some friends from online book communities over the last few years and enjoyed keeping them in the loop of your reading list.

Also, Wonwoo had a point. Streaming could help paying some of your school expenses…or get you more books. You told him you’d think about it, and while you weren’t completely in love with the idea of streaming, it did provide you with some steady income until you landed your job at the restaurant.  

After that conversation, you haven’t discussed smut or cocks since, and you’re honestly relieved, not because Wonwoo is hard to talk to about things, but because you are. Which is why streaming always feels a little uncomfortable and your position ironic, because you can barely have conversations successfully unless you really know the person to ramble about your interests to, or you can occasionally eke by with small talk. 

But streaming requires the spotlight being on you in some way at all times. It’s your face that is fixed to the corner of the screen, monitoring your every reaction. It’s your voice that echoes into the mic and responds to your chat. Sure, you have mods and some streamers don’t interact with their chat at all, but you don’t want to be like that. You’ve been on the other side before, and know that most people are just lonely and looking for connection. . 

From the moment you decided to do this, you were aware that because you were now a “gamer girl” you would be subjected to the three extremes of the comment section: chronic oversharers who tell strangers all their personal baggage perhaps in the hope that you will assume some role of therapist to them, people coming to insult your gaming (which is the point so that can’t impact you) or physical appearance, or sexually explicit comments. 

Over the months, you’ve seen many things flitting by on the screen, deleted in haste by your trusty mod squad, but it doesn’t stop the fact that you still see them. 

Those things you can handle. They are impersonal and a direct copy-paste of the same thing.

But when people compliment you? That makes you want to bury yourself under your covers and never come out. Because the compliments are always personal and touching a part of you that is authentic.

The people in your chat want to know you. They want to know what kind of music you like, your favorite foods and books. They ask if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner, compliment your hair or the shirt you’re wearing or your gaming setup. It feels intimate. Almost like you could find these people and touch them and let them know you. 

But they can’t. Because the only thing that drew them to you, the part where you’re this funny, positive gamer chick who sucks at video games but is down for whatever, isn’t real. 

Spring Day Streams Y/N is a persona. You don’t stream because you’re her. You stream because you have to be her in order to survive.  

And now she’s taking up more time. Last month’s streams landed you Streamer of the Month, which thanks to the exposure, brought dozens of new subscribers and thousands of points, and that helped take care of some of your expenses for the new semester. Some. You’re still behind on your credit card bill. 

Also, more people means more expectations for streaming. So you’ve kicked up your streaming schedule from twice weekly to three times a week, with you occasionally hopping onto Wonwoo’s channel even if you aren’t streaming to mod. 

When you aren’t glued to your computer, you’re usually at the restaurant, in a cramped kitchen where you do the prep work, often alongside him, your sexy coworker-but-now-boss, Seokjin. 

The man you are quietly obsessed with. You can’t think about Kim Seokjin without thinking about all the positions you want him to fuck you in. 

Which is also why you’ve been devouring books lately. When you’re home, you throw all your energy into the escapism they provide, especially ones where you can get yourself off to whatever fantasy Seokjin effortlessly slips into. 

For every hot mob boss, corrupt CEO, longterm best friend, dragon-rider, fairy, demon, alien, ghost, or hockey playing love interest you can find, Seokjin is sure to fill the role. A hot merman looking for someone to help him grow legs and something else? Seokjin. A Grinch who inherits his family’s Christmas tree farm and discovers how much he loves to ho ho ho? Seokjin. A god who tears apart the underworld to find his lost lover, and then during the reunion fucks her on the throne of Satan while she wears the crown? All Seokjin. 

Unfortunately, his transition from co worker to boss has made your fantasies all the more dirty. 

It’s been incredibly difficult for you to handle the fact that any flirtation you two previously shared in the months before he was your boss can no longer continue. But it’s also incredibly hot.

Fantasies of him eating you out on the counter have been replaced with the fantasy of him shoving you in the back office and fucking you on the desk while wearing one of those perfect-fitting dress shirts he often parades around in. 

And when he rolls up the sleeves to help in the kitchen? Fuck, it’s humiliating how wet you get.

The entire thing is pathetic really. He’s just standing there half the time, lecturing everyone on proper kitchen hygiene and ensuring one of the cooks doesn’t use expired seasonings for his eomma’s secret sauce. 

And you’re standing next to him clenching your thighs together because when you’re this close, you can just make out the freshness of his cologne and feel the heat of his body close to yours. 

When someone fucks up, he has a tendency to take over, chopping with unmatched precision and self assurance, trying to keep his voice even and usually failing as everything builds in intensity until he’s accidentally speaking at a million miles an hour and lecturing until his face turns red. 

If someone were to pass by the shop, they’d probably mistake his shouting for anger, but you’ve come to understand Seokjin is just passionate about things. Usually when he comes down from his tangent, he’s embarrassed and apologizes, and not long after the entire staff is laughing along with him as he cracks a joke at himself for his inability to tone it down.

Which to you makes him even hotter. Seokjin is able to see his faults and work with them, not against them. He holds himself accountable. He’s nothing like the haughty men you’ve gone on brief dinners with after downloading dating apps for the hundredth time while you’re drunk. He’s actually funny, knowing the right way to use humor and tell jokes, never at someone else’s expense, and definitely without being disgustingly crude. 

All those clowns you suffered through drinks with always made comments and digs at other women or referenced their cock like they were setting up some goofy scene from porn and you would find it hilarious and endearing. 

Seokjin isn’t like that at all. He probably refers to his dick as a penis and would blush to high heavens if he knew how horny you are for him. He’s unwound you, and he has no clue. Maybe if it hadn’t been literal years since you’ve last had sex you could tone it down. 

With working all the time and going to school, it’s already been hard to even go on singular dates here and there. And since the prospects were frankly awful, sex is just something that has had to go onto the back burner for a bit, but you seemed to scorch the fucking pan by forgetting to turn the heat off and now you are burning and hungry. 

With a final sigh, you put the book down, annoyed that you didn’t have time to finish it today or at least get to a good part where you could insert yourself into the role of the palace servant and Seokjin as the Prince. Based on the reviews, there’s sure to be a hot sex scene coming up involving using a sword in a particular way that has piqued your curiosity. 

In a moment of depravity earlier, you’d snaked one hand down the front of your panties to rub a few damp fingers around your clit to take the edge off. 

You check the time on your phone, already aware that you don’t have time to cum before streaming. You already hit the snooze button twice. The spicy stuff will have to wait. 

Defeated, you stand up, turning on the lights in your apartment as the sun finally fades away and the dark creeps in. You eat a bowl of cereal while doing your makeup, what little of it you want to put on. Finally, you fire up your PC, trying to ignore the irritation you’re already experiencing from being so high strung and unsatisfied.

The second this stream is over, you’re going to make sure you cum until you pass out. Until then, it’s time for work.

“At what point am I supposed to become good at this again?” You ask Seokjin as you attempt (and fail) to julienne carrots. 

When you arrived at work at an ungodly hour this morning to prep for the weekend rush, Seokjin had already started the coffee. 

Your empty cup now idles next to your scrap pile of too-wide carrot blocks that’ll have to be pulverized by the blender and repurposed in another recipe. 

Seokjin chuckles as he buzzes about the kitchen, reaching tenderly around you to grab your mug for a refill. 

“That all depends on how much you practice.”

“So should I expect a large carton of carrots to be delivered to my home this evening with the instructions to have them julienned by Monday?” You tease, as you split another carrot down the center, half of it flinging off the prep counter and onto the floor. 

Seokjin smirks and bends down. He picks up the carrot and deposits it into the garbage bin. “Two cartons, actually. Given how many carrots we’ve lost already today, I need to make sure at least some of our inventory lands on the customer’s plate and not just into the trash.”

“How considerate of you,” you chide, and put down the knife, reaching out to accept your newly filled coffee mug. Seokjin’s hands are red from the constant washing and chopping of potatoes, which you recently learned he’s allergic to. 

As well as garlic, and you’ve already voluntarily peeled and minced that for the day. That much you can do without guidance, but anything besides your imprecise chopping is on the list of knife skills Seokjin wants you to improve upon. 

This is fair, given how dangerous your previous cutting methods have been. Once Seokjin saw the way you tried to stab at a watermelon, it was over. Now you often come in an hour and a half early before each shift to practice. 

And to also be alone with Seokjin before he is forced from the kitchen to deal with other duties. 

“Thank you,” you say, as you take the first warm sip and shiver. It’s freezing outside, and it’s only supposed to get worse. 

There’s snow forecasted for the weekend, which could mean one of two things: everyone stays home and avoids driving, or they all leave the house in one show of silent agreement and fill every nook and cranny of the restaurant to order bowls of sundubu jjigae or crisp and hot pajeon. 

Seokjin predicts that because a warm front is moving in afterward, people will utilize one of the only days of snow you’ll likely get this winter to gather together.

Valentine’s Day is soon, and the city has started to prepare. Storefronts have begun switching out new year sale signs for pink and red heart motifs, with spas and restaurants offering couple specials. The perfumeries have moved from campaigns advertising the perfect Christmas gift to ones of sexy, decadent colognes sure to transform a man into his inner beast. 

And then there’s the chocolate. It’s like the air in the neighborhood the restaurant resides in smells different, less greasy and grimy and more sweet. Everywhere you turn there’s pastries, cakes, bonbons, crepes, chocolate dipped nuts and other confections that just looking at makes your teeth sore. 

With the district washing itself in a pink glow, more and more couples have been braving the cold, landing in the restaurant after weighing themselves down with shopping bags. 

You’ve seen what’s in them, often tripping over or kicking at least one bag each shift while you attempt to bring an order to the table and spilling the contents. This year seems to be popular for matching couple outfits. You’ve seen a lot of pairs in their early twenties wearing or recently acquiring sweaters that have the same characters or color combinations. With the temperatures dipping into a bitter chill this week, some have elected to wear cute but inconvenient sets of mittens that allow them to hold hands as they stroll. 

When it snows in the city, the world gets quieter, cleaner. Even if people shuffle around in the bustle of novelty experiences, how they show their love, from brushing the snow off each other’s coats or taking kissing selfies in front of snow fallen trees, it always makes you feel a little softer, a little more at peace. 

Snow is really romantic.

“What?” Seokjin asks, which alerts you to the fact that you’ve been staring at him as you let your thoughts run, a dopey grin splattered across your face. 

“Oh, sorry, I was just thinking about how much I love the snow.” You break eye contact, feeling the heat of embarrassment flood your cheeks. 

“Ah, yeah. It’s supposed to start soon,” he looks at you thoughtfully before looking back down at the tofu blocks he’s draining. 

A silence falls on you, the once normal pause now becoming a bit awkward. 

“What do–”

“I just–”

You both stumble over each other, trying to fill the unnatural pause you’ve reached, which has you laughing and Seokjin cracking a wide grin. 

“What were you going to say?” he asks, and then motions for you to get back to your carrot desecrating. 

“Ah nothing. You were going to ask something?”

You slice a carrot, this time less match stick and more shaved. Damn. 

“Oh, um. I was going to ask you what you like about the snow. That thought kind of came from nowhere and I was trying to follow.” His voice is careful, as if he’s trying not to offend you. Is he nervous?

Your mouth draws into a thin line. Can you risk saying what you were just thinking? Is it inappropriate to talk about romance in front of your boss, who you’ve thought about kissing in the snow at least three times a day? You don’t want to make him uncomfortable. You’re aware of the ways in which Seokjin’s new position of authority weighs on him. 

While he’s always had more authority due to being the owners’ son, it isn’t like Seokjin walked around the place with a power complex before his promotion. You two had become something akin to friends in the months you’ve worked together, falling into occasional flirty banter as you shuffled around each other to mop floors or wash dishes. 

You know he used to work for a large company a few years ago but quit to help his family with their restaurant. You also know he loves MapleStory and is always showing you his newest splurge from their online shop or the latest piece to his collection. 

He doesn’t have any pets, but sometimes debates getting a dog and then when shown support, he dismisses it with boisterous laughter, talking about how he doesn’t have the time and if he ever wants to get a dog, he will have to buy a house. Usually once he lands on discussions of a house, he gets a little more quiet, perhaps a bit sad.  

He has an older brother who has one child and another on the way, a major reason for his parents’ decision to travel now, before the new baby arrives. His brother and brother’s wife have visited a few times while you were working, but Seokjin’s mother had mentioned that her son and his wife recently moved into a new house outside of the city, and with the new addition joining sometime in the spring, it can be a bit exhausting to pack up the car for a few hours of visiting time. 

While you haven’t experienced Seokjin as an uncle, you know how much he loves being one, excusing himself from the front of the shop to Facetime with his nephew from the back office, where you can hear his voice carry with high pitched impressions and jokes or random songs he babbles to the youngest Kim. 

Knowing him in this way feels a bit awkward now that he’s the one signing your paychecks. Since his transition, he’s been a bit more formal with you, you assume trying to be respectful and professional. 

You understand where he’s coming from, but you miss the past connection you two had formed. And that seems to dictate your response. 

“I like how romantic snow is. How it not only makes the lights twinkle more, but how people do cute things in it. Snowball fights, drinking hot chocolate, building snowmen. They change their behaviors for the snow. To celebrate love in it. Last time it snowed here, I saw one girl push her boyfriend into a snowbank.”

Seokjin laughs as he begins popping the tofu blocks into containers. “That sounds awful,” he says. 

Your heart plummets. “Oh,” you squeak. 

His head darts up to catch your expression and his eyes flash. “Oh, no no! Not like that. I mean, being pushed into the snowbank. That poor guy was probably soaking wet and freezing after that!” He waves his knife in his hand wildly with his gesture and then quickly deposits it into a sheath before stepping over to your workstation. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out that way.” 

You recover. “Oh he was. He also got his revenge by pulling her in with him. And she wasn’t even wearing a coat.”

You watch Seokjin’s tense shoulders relax. His broad frame is so close now, towering over you. He smells a little like the earthy starch of potatoes, but you like it. 

“I, uh,” he says, his voice becoming more raw. “I like the snow too. You’re right, it is romantic in a way. The snowflakes getting caught in your hair, you huddle closer to someone to share body heat, it’s nice.”

As if on cue, your bodies inch a little closer to each other. Seokjin reaches his arm forward, brushing along yours as he grasps one edge of the workstation to lean in. 

“Yeah,” you reply lamely. 

You blink up at him and he smiles back. You both sit there for a moment, neither of you moving, just studying the other’s expression. 

Then, he leans in.

Your breath catches, and his other arm lifts up above you on the other side, caging you to the workstation.

Your eyes close from the intensity. He’s so close that you feel the fabric of his rolled shirt sleeve graze against your cheek. 

All it would take is him leaning in and searing his lips onto yours and you would fold for him. You know this.  

This is what you often fantasize about, the two of you in this position. That’s the power he has over you, his smooth seduction, your willingness. 

If he asked you right now, you would strip down and bend over this workstation, let him fuck you with your nipples brushing against the cold steel of the counter, carrot shavings squishing against your face as he impales you with his cock. 

It would be so easy, he just needs to ask you. 

“Y/N,” he says, a bit more distant now, but you shudder at how roughly he says your name. 

“Mm?” you hum, forcing your eyes to reopen. Seokjin has pulled away from you. How long has he been just looking at you standing here with your eyes closed?  

“Turn around,” he says. 

Wait, what? 

You stare back at him blankly. Is he reading your mind? 

Seokjin rolls his eyes and laughs, holding up the package of dried seaweed that was above you on the shelf. He tosses it on the counter behind him.

“Are you still here or did I lose you? I said turn around.” You freeze, confused. 

He did all that to reach above you for some seaweed? Is he fucking with you? And what does he want you to turn around for? 

“Wha–”

You open your mouth to ask but Seokjin moves in, his hands on your wrists as he takes you and spins you around so you’re up against your workstation, his stomach resting on your back as you stand sandwiched against him and the cold counter. You clench your thighs, suddenly aware that you are wet. 

Fuck.  

“You need to focus,” he says low in your ear. You take a shaky breath. 

Focus. How are you supposed to focus when you imagined this exact scenario exactly one minute ago? 

“I, what?” Your words fail you as you stand there, stunned and aroused but also completely confused about what he wants from you. This entire situation is a mindfuck. 

Seokjin’s hands leave your wrists and make their way to your hands as he moves you like a puppet. 

“Y/N, were you even paying attention? We just went over this. God, I swear, I’ve told you. You need to be present in the kitchen space. You’re lucky I resheathed the knife for you while you were on another planet. You could have easily gotten hurt.” Seokjin scolds you overhead. 

Oh. You look to the right and see the kitchen knife you were using back in its protective shell and not where you left it, which, come to think of it, was incredibly close to where your hands were now on the counter under Seokjin’s. Yikes. 

“Sorry,” you mutter, feeling a prick of shame seeping through the fog. Seokjin isn’t trying to fuck you against the counter; he’s trying to make sure you don’t cut your finger off. 

He tuts above you, his grip still firm as he directs you to the uncut carrots and chopping board. 

“Tsk, honestly. You’re ridiculous. What am I going to do if my best girl is hospitalized after losing her hand because she’s too busy daydreaming about snow storms instead of having basic kitchen awareness? You know, I could send you home over this. Make you unable to come back until you rewatch those kitchen safety videos with the fake blood and awful actors. Seriously.” 

You shiver at his words. He’s so busy setting up for a rant, you almost miss it. 

“Your best girl?” You ask lightly. 

Seokjin stills, your joined hands hovering over the cutting board. “Oh, uh. You know what I mean. You’re the best….girl we have on staff. You know.”

You don’t. You’re far from the best girl on staff. Seha has a degree in culinary arts. She’s usually the one who has everything prepped days ahead with perfectly formed cuts. She manages the kitchen cleanliness with rigidness. She even barks orders at Seokjin when he’s in the kitchen because he isn’t as clean as her. 

If she wasn’t out with the flu, none of this work would even need to be done. Maybe Seokjin is getting sick too. He’s been feverish looking and a little uneasy around you all morning, and clearly he’s now being delusional.

“Ah,” you concede, and give your hands a shake to urge him to continue. 

“Right, anyway. You’re getting better at your cuts, but I’m losing money quickly with all your sacrifices to the floor goblins. And we don’t have much time left before the others start coming in, so let’s finish this up.” 

You let Seokjin guide you, literally hand-over-hand, as he restructures your positioning on the knife and angle of the blade to slice through the carrots a lot more cleanly and easily. 

“That’s it, good. You’re doing such a good job,” he breathes. 

You feel his exhale along your spine. God, you’re a pervert. He’s just trying to help you better yourself, and all you’re thinking about is how dominating he seems right now and how much you want to please him. 

God, if he calls you a good girl you know you’re going to moan audibly. That’s how bad he’s got you.

You keep working, and once you get the hang of it, Seokjin’s grip loosens, allowing you to finish the bag by yourself. But his hands are still on yours, even if you’re the one in control. 

After a while though, it’s becoming too much to handle. Him bent over you like this is limiting your range of motion, making it hard to wipe the sweat on your hands or move your scrap pile further down the counter. 

He’s also a human furnace, the space between you still so limited that you’ve begun sweating under him. 

In one particular cut of carrot, the sweat caused by the joint heat of your hands causes you to lose your grip, shooting it down onto the floor. 

Reflexively, you reach down to grab it, but with Seokjin still attached to you, it proves to be an immediate disaster. 

You throw your body into a bend, which forces you back, your ass grinding directly into Seokjin and being met with something very large. 

You gasp and Seokjin grunts, swiftly releasing your hands, which are actually balancing you in your bend. 

You fall forward, smacking your head into the edge of the counter as you go down. 

The kitchen echoes with an embarrassing clang as your forehead ricochets off the metal. 

“Fuck,” you groan, a sharp pain shooting through you.. 

You scramble to recover, one hand going to your head as you steady yourself, rubbing the soreness. Seokjin flails above you, panicked. 

“Oh shit! Y/N I’m so sorry! Oh my god. Are you okay? I shouldn’t have let go, I just was–” Seokjin rambles as you stare up at him, trying to get him to steel himself. 

“No, fuck, ouch, it’s okay! I’m okay. Seokjin, can you please just get me some ice and help me up?” You aren’t sure you can get yourself up as your vision swirls from the heat of the pain. You really went down hard. 

Seokjin ceases his flailing and shouting, leaning down and picking your body up off the floor with impressive strength and carrying you to a clean workstation in the center of the room. He sits you on top of it, making you now almost his height. 

Holy shit.

Once sure you’re not at risk of flopping over, he walks over to the ice maker with a clean kitchen cloth and folds some ice cubes inside. 

You reach for the cloth, but he refuses to hand it over. 

“Yah! No. Please let me do this, I can see the bump forming already. I’m the one who caused your injury.” He gingerly lays the cold cloth against your head. You wince. 

“‘Snot your fault,” you pout, trying to ignore the pain. “It was an accident. No one caused it.” 

Seokjin sighs and places his free hand behind your head, discouraging you from angling away like you’ve subconsciously been doing. 

“It is my fault. I let go of you. After just lecturing you about kitchen safety. God, what kind of example am I setting? I’m really sucking at this boss thing.” 

You reach up, placing your hand on Seokjin’s wrist to remove it from the ice. But he doesn’t relent. You keep your hold. 

“Seokjin, you’re not a bad boss. God you’re literally the opposite. Everyone here loves you. You’ve only been the manager for a little while. Give yourself some time. And keep in mind both of your parents ran this place, and now it’s down to just you.” 

You feel the tendons under his wrist adjust, his grip a little looser. Seokjin’s wrists are soft and tan, a thin coating of hair trailing up his forearms and under his sleeve. Your grip loosens too, and you let your thumb brush back and forth through the hair. 

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t supposed to be the manager. My brother was supposed to manage the restaurant when my parents were ready to retire. That was always the plan, anyway. But things change. When they were getting their apartment ready for my nephew to arrive, I think they realized how tight space can be living in the city. We grew up in an apartment complex not too far from here and it always felt like we were on top of each other. 

“Which, we kind of were. My brother and I shared this tiny room that had bunk beds, and we lived that way until he went away to college. I used to always smack my head against the ceiling when I was a teenager and woke up in the middle of the night. My forehead would get huge bruises on it, probably a lot like the one you’re going to have on your head.” He frowns. 

“I guess my brother didn’t want to see his kids living like that either. I never minded it so much, but maybe that’s because I was the younger one. Not having any privacy during puberty or dealing with me during puberty was probably a nightmare for him.”

You shoot him a sympathetic smile. “It was nice of you to take over on his behalf then. I know you used to work for major companies in the business district downtown. This must have felt like a sacrifice.” 

Seokjin’s arm falls away from your head, your soft caress pulling away with it. He sets the cloth down next to you. He worries his bottom lip into his mouth and then shakes his head. 

“No, it was never like that. I’m sure eomma filled everyone and their brother’s ears with stuff about me. ‘Seokjin is our business minded son! He’ll make a great leader!’ ‘Seokjin is talented in the kitchen and spent his whole life working for us. We trained him well!’ ‘Don’t worry about him abusing his power. He knows exactly how it is for everyone!’” Seokjin’s says, his voice inotating the same pattern of his mother. 

“Well, she wasn’t wrong. You are all those things,” you argue, lacing your fingers in his. You know it’s not necessarily appropriate behavior between a boss and his employee, but at this moment, you’d argue Seokjin needs a friend more than anything. 

“I’m not, though, Y/N. I didn’t sacrifice anything to do this. It wasn’t some great act of loyalty where the son with a promising future gives up his dream for his family business. In fact I had to beg my parents to let me work here! Because I, their failure of a son, lost everything and had nowhere else to go! And the shit I ended up doing to even keep myself afloat…I’m not a great leader. I’m nothing more than a fraud.”

Seokjin rakes his free hand through his hair. 

“I had a good life before this Y/N. A good job, a nice house, a fi-...just..I was living a dream that I no longer have for myself is all. But at the time I was on top of the world and now I feel like such a fucking failure.” 

Seokjin looks like he’s falling apart, eyes darting madly as he shifts around, suddenly transforming into nothing like his usual cool, goofy self. 

You need to stop this from getting worse. To distract him and stop him from talking himself into a pit of despair. If Seokjin’s mouth is occupied somehow, he can’t continue with all the negative self-talk. 

A stupid idea flashes in your head. You don’t even think before you roll with it. 

“Jesus, I can’t even manage properly. I messed up Mino’s paycheck a few weeks ago and I’m still not sure how it happened. I’m just not–”

Your lips connect with Seokjin’s, your legs wrapping around his waist to tug him closer as you move your body against his. Seokjin returns the kiss in earnest, parting his mouth to welcome your tongue as you lap the words out of his mouth. 

His plush lips feel so soft against yours, his taste a bit bitter from the coffee you both drank earlier, but you find yourself craving more of it, sucking his bottom lip into your mouth with the hope that maybe you can absorb it. 

Seokjin groans in response, gripping your hand tighter, his other settling on your lower back as he pulls you closer. If you didn’t know any better, you’d swear every atom in your body is vibrating at a higher frequency from his touch. You want to feel him everywhere. 

You break the kiss, and see Seokjin’s eyelids are heavy, almost like he’s drunk. You’re about to move back in, to tongue along his sweaty, long neck, suck on his protruding Adam’s apple. 

That’s when you hear it. The slam of the back door as your coworkers arrive.

Seokjin jolts back, breaking the hold you have around his waist with your legs. 

His mouth looks a little red and swollen. And his eyes are wide, panic flashing across his face. 

“I–I’m sorry!” 

Before you can reassure him, tell him that you’re the one who should be sorry, you started this, who crossed this line between boss and employee by kissing him, Seokjin bolts from the kitchen. 

You sit for a minute, stunned, and then look around, taking in the scene around you. The carrot shavings all over the counter, the discarded one still on the floor. Your knife is unsheathed again. There’s containers of tofu and seaweed just abandoned in a pile next to a large pot. 

And you can feel the puddle forming under you from where the ice has begun to melt. What the fuck just happened? What mess did you just get yourself into? 

The rest of your shift, you’re anxious. Especially because you’re short-staffed due to the weather forecast, which has led to three call-outs from people who commute from across town. That means you’re performing multiple roles: taking orders, bussing tables, seating customers, and getting appetizers, drinks, and side dishes ready for each group of people coming through the door. 

Seokjin was right in his prediction; you guys are slammed. And because there’s less staff, that means Seokjin is orbiting around you, following behind with cleaning rags as you finish bussing or running into you in the narrow doorway as you both attempt to fetch an order from the kitchen. You’re both flushed and sweating, the hairs on the back of your neck now matted down. 

Your mind is swirling around that kiss and its consequences, but you don’t have time to lose focus; the minute you finish one thing, you’re pulled into another task for a temporary distraction.

Only to be thrust back into the reminder of this morning when Seokjin lightly caresses the small of your back as he squeezes behind you to grab more plates. 

If either of you ever need a break, you don’t say so, only pausing in between rushes to pee, take a bite of something, and chug water before you’re thrown back out into the mess. 

Finally, after you elect to work a double, it’s closing time.

“Y/N!” Seokjin calls you from the front as you scrub the grime off a stack of dirty dishes.

Your pulse quickens. You’re the last one here. The storm kicked up an hour ago, and since you live the closest, you shoved your coworkers out the door so they could get home before the roads were a mess. 

You dry your hands on your messy apron, pulling out your phone and wincing at the slew of missed calls, texts and notifications. You were supposed to stream again tonight with a bunch of other girl gamers as a part of a “Galentine's Day” collab, playing dating simulation games as a warm up before jumping into some first person shooters. 

You’d reached out to cancel once you saw the stress tugging at Seokjin’s face, his jaw set, his brow constantly furrowed. While the other streamers were completely understanding, you still have a ton of notifications from your social channels asking if you are okay and some texts from Wonwoo and a few other friends asking the same. 

You’ll fill them in later. But now, you have to face Seokjin. 

He’s sitting at a freshly wiped-down table, counting the drawers and preparing the deposit slip. 

He ushers you over and gestures at the stack of cash, silently asking you to verify his numbers. You comply, the room silent less the shuffling of bills or coins under your fingertips and your habitual mouthing of the numbers to ensure you don’t lose count. 

He nods at your final calculation, jotting the number down on the sheet and placing the bills together. You turn and begin to head back to the kitchen. 

“Wait,” he says, and you freeze. 

Your stomach is quickly turning into a bundle of knots. You suck your lips into your mouth as you spin back around, Seokjin’s eyes meeting yours. 

“I…” Seokjin takes a deep breath before continuing. “Listen. I’m really sorry about this morning. Today’s just been a whole mess and I really shouldn’t have been airing my frustrations to an employee like that. It was inappropriate and immature. I know better than to behave this way.”

Did you say your stomach was in knots? You mean it’s filled with heavy, sickening lead. “Oh, right. Uh, don’t. I mean, I started it. I just…you were panicking and I didn’t know what to do and I thought maybe this would help.” 

Seokjin’s brow furrows, a frown on his face. “Why are you apologizing when I’m clearly the one in the wrong here? Ah, no let me finish! I’ve always prided myself on my professionalism and ability to keep personal matters out of my work. And I failed in doing so, which takes advantage of you since I’m your superior. You not only felt a need to comfort me but also stop me from spinning out. I’m truly sorry Y/N, about the oversharing and the um, kiss. I definitely gave into my emotions in a moment of weakness. Please forgive me, I promise I will never touch you again. This won’t happen again.” 

His head droops and he looks down, clearly ashamed.

Oh. So he doesn’t want this. Which, why would he? He’s right in that he’s your boss, and clearly Seokjin values his reputation and his job because they’re a reflection of not just him, but his family. Why risk that with someone like you?

You swallow the lump in your throat along with any response. There is the boundary, you know better than to cross it. 

As you move again, Seokjin rises from the table. “Y/N…you know what? You go home. The storm is really coming down.”

“But, there’s still mopping and all those dishes left,” you croak. Your voice is so hoarse from being dehydrated and talking all day that you barely recognize it as your own. 

“Don’t worry about those. You look and sound exhausted. It’s not your job to take care of everything. Go home, enjoy your romantic snowy trek,” he smirks, “and get some much needed rest. You’ve more than earned it.”

When you arrive home, your body slugs onto your bed, finally giving into the fatigue you’ve ignored all day. Your feet ache, your stomach now settled enough from your walk that you are starving. And you smell awful. 

As much as you want to fall asleep, you know that you at the very least need to eat something. 

With a groan, you rise, hobbling to your kitchen to make some instant ramyeon. The collab stream is now over, you learned this while finally checking your phone on your way home and seeing a thank you message blasted out by one of the streamers. Oh well. 

You suppose you could get back to your book, see what Prince August and his lover are getting up to in their reunion, but that seems like more brain power than you’re willing to give. 

You elect to eat, then take a shower, rinsing the grime of the day off you. When you step out of the shower, you see an ugly looking bump and purple bruise on your forehead. 

That’s right, you’d already forgotten about your injury from earlier. You touch it lightly and recoil from the sharp pain. Damn, maybe you should’ve checked to see if you were concussed earlier. You didn’t realize you hit your head that hard. 

You decide to ice it before bed, crawling under your covers and trying to rest while you play back your day. 

How you started is so significantly different from where you are now. When you woke up, you were eager and excited to be around Seokjin, to learn new skills and feel light and warm in his presence. Now, the idea of going back to work in a few days, to have to muddle through the rejection you got tonight and try to get back to a baseline makes you feel nauseous. 

Seokjin wants to make this all water under the bridge, and you want to do that for him. But it’s nearly impossible when he’s, well, him. He doesn’t understand how much more difficult it’s going to be to look at him because you’re not walking around with a face like that: perfectly balanced and delicate features and a full, delicious set of lips. 

God, he really did taste fantastic. You wonder what would’ve happened if you two weren’t interrupted. Would giving into his emotional need for comfort have given you more? You know it’s wrong to think about, because you're the one who took advantage of him, not the other way around. 

He can say he took advantage of you with his power imbalance or whatever, but you’re the one who was seconds away from licking down that thick neck or grinding back onto that massive cock. 

Fuck, that’s right, Seokjin is huge under all those clothes and your ass got to experience rubbing against it today. And maybe it’s just wishful thinking, but he seemed like he was a little hard. 

If Mino and the others had been just a little later, you might have seen it. They might have walked in on you on your knees as you choked on it, Seokjin’s moans and whines echoing in the kitchen. 

Because now from kissing him, you got a taste of those little noises he makes. And the memory has you becoming slick and needy. 

It’s late. Too late to read your smutty book, especially since you’re not at the next smutty scene yet. August and his beloved are just reuniting. You’re sure it’s bound to be good, but you don’t have that kind of patience right now. You need to cum, to get your ideas about Seokjin and what he firmly set as a boundary out of your head once and for all. 

Which means you need to give your fantasy of him out of your head too. You shove the ice pack you’ve been holding to your head aside, ready to relieve some tension. 

You reach under your shirt and gasp when the chill of your icy hand plucks at one of your nipples. Yes, you need more of this. 

You touch the other one with your other hand, disappointed that it’s warm. And then you get a fantastic idea. You grope around for a moment until you feel the cold cloth housing the ice cubes from your freezer and pluck one out. It melts quickly in your hand, but the cold water is stimulating as you feel it run down your forearms, a droplet or two rushing down and reaching the heat of your armpit. You pull the large shirt you use as pajamas  up further with your other hand, fully exposing your chest and stomach to the chilly air of your apartment.  

The ice cube drips over your navel. You hiss as the new sensation floods your core with warmth. Some of the water pools in your belly button, a satisfying dampness taking over your body. Then, you drip the melting ice cube onto each nipple and relish how erect and sensitive they’ve become from your arousal. 

Your breasts are plush, something you love to grab and tug as you play with yourself. They’re heavy, the weight of gravity tugging them down instead of staying up as porn once made you believe was possible. 

You can understand why people sometimes get caught up playing with tits all the time. They’re arguably fun to play with. 

As the ice cube warms and shrinks, you become more curious, taking it between your fingers and swirling it directly over each nipple, a shock of cold hitting them and your hips bucking in pleasure. More. Whatever you’re feeling right now, you need more of it. 

You rip your sleep shorts and panties off in desperation, splaying your legs open and aiming yourself up so the last drips of the ice cube can fall directly onto the folds of your pussy, a few dribbles landing right on your aching clit. 

Heat, that’s what you actually feel. Fire and ice swirling together in a decadent and hot pleasure. You reach over and grab another cube, this time skipping the teasing and touching the ice right to your clit. It’s a lot. Too much. Not enough. The pain shooting through your clit is also full of so much pleasure and you don’t want to stop. 

You rock against your hand, rubbing your clit with your fingers as the ice melts, mixing the wetness of the water with your own, getting you messier, hotter, hungrier. 

The memory of Seokjin holding the ice pack flits through your head, how cold his one hand was as it held yours, similar to the chill of your own hand as you grind it against your pussy. You need something inside of you. Now. 

And unfortunately for you, all your toys are currently dirty. When you finished streaming last night, you made good on your promise to fuck yourself until you passed out, which means your collection of dildos and vibrators are now discarded in a pile next to your bed that you’d intended to wash after work today. 

You insert a finger and sigh. It’s not enough. The angle is too awkward and you can’t get far enough in. Seokjin’s hands are much larger than yours, capable of pumping his long fingers deep within you, to get to the part of your core that is aching. If he were here right now, he could be itching that scratch, a smug look on his face as he comments on how soaking wet you are for him and commands you to cum. 

Ugh. You said you wouldn’t think of him, yet here he is again, stirring up inside your fantasies. You can’t give in, you need to distract yourself, look at another face so you can feel motivation. 

You remove your fingers, wipe them on the damp washcloth next to you, and reach over on your side table for your laptop. 

You don’t watch a lot of porn, finding the videos often too fake, but you’re desperate. You scroll through the website, quickly losing some of your arousal as you click through pages of straight porn, the ones you know that will have some awful plot, or the woman has some nasal and fake moan that kills your buzz. Or the guys are so ugly, proving that porn always has the male gaze in mind. 

You just need to cum. Today has been awful enough, and knowing you have to stream tomorrow again is already causing you to wind up. No, this is necessary stress relief. An unwinding. Make it dirty and to the point. 

You click over into the other categories. You need just a man, someone else who isn’t Seokjin. You hover over the male masturbation tag, still disappointed. Then you see a banner ad for a camming site: Worldwide Handsome, Hunks From Around the Globe. That, you think, seems more promising. 

Live cams are interactive, more with immediacy. Usually the guys on them are hot or gay or both and just ready to jack off for money and give in to some dirty talk. Even the gay camboys don’t always care if women are viewing. Money is money. 

You click the banner, praying this doesn’t immediately give your computer a hundred viruses that will delete all your coursework you’ve saved to the harddrive. 

Luckily, it’s a legitimate website, much like OnlyFans, just with the emphasis on queer men from every country. You might just be saved. 

There are so many categories to choose from: couples, kinks, trans, bisexual, furries, just chatting, BDSM, interactive games, private rooms. It’s a little overwhelming. You select the “solo” tab, which, of course, has the most videos under it, and begin exploring. 

You click on one that seems promising, but quickly exit out because the user has fallen asleep and it feels too intimate. 

In another, the streamer is yelling at his chat for outting him to his parents, and you exit out of that as well. 

You’re about to give up when you refresh the page, but then a recently started stream catches your eye. It’s quickly gaining views, and has a little “1” next to it, probably to indicate that this streamer is the most popular one in his category. 

The title for the stream is Unwind with me. Late night play with Daddy which makes your core throb a little with promise. The thumbnail is black, which is a little odd, but you’re curious who this “Daddy” is and how he plans on helping his viewers unwind. Because that is exactly what you need. In his associated tags, there’s a tiny banner at the bottom that urges you forward “all genders welcome”. 

You click the link, and the video itself is black, but there’s still hundreds of comments fluttering through the chat. Is your stream broken? This sometimes happens when you stream too, but after a quick refresh you realize that the screen isn’t black. There’s a little bit of light pouring through whatever is covering the camera, detecting some movement through the veil. 

“You don’t know how stressed I am today,” a low voice groans. 

Whoa. You lean closer, tapping the volume button on your laptop to the max and leaning back. God, whoever this guy is, he sounds hot. This might actually work to get you off and get over Seokjin.

You balance your laptop on your knees and roll your hand down your stomach and between your legs, finding your aching clit and sighing as you delight in your touch. 

“I know we don’t always play games like this baby. I know you usually like it when I beg. But I can’t play like that today. It’s been so long since I got to fall back into what I desperately, absolutely need.”

His voice is so seductive yet also comforting in a way that’s familiar. You feel more of your arousal dripping out of you, and you scoop it up to swirl it around your clit, feeling a little twinge of that white hot pleasure return to you. 

“And what I need is to take the edge off, to remind all of you who is in charge. Some of you have been very, very bad lately. Haven’t I given you enough? A two-year anniversary stream? I gave you all my cum didn’t I? All of it.” 

The chat is going nuts, comments replying with “yes Daddy” accompanying tips that vary from twenty bucks to one thousand dollars spilling in. You check his timestamp. He’s only been live for five minutes and he’s already getting this much? Even your most successful streams take hours to reach a little over a thousand after royalty cuts. 

To his credit, though, if you had a grand to drop on him, you just might, and that’s going by his sexy voice alone.

“I let you watch me spill from my cock, let you see me touch myself. And you were greedy. Don’t think I don’t know what you did. I saw your questioning comments, trying to shame me for muttering someone’s name in pleasure. But I’m not ashamed. I’m proud.”

Fuck, what you would do to have this guy moan your name. You feel your orgasm approaching and rub yourself harder, a soft squelch echoing through your room.

“You took what I gave you for granted, you fucking whores. And now, you need to be punished.” 

You’re so close, the little peaks of pleasure starting to build up higher in intensity. 

The mystery man stops talking, and you along with the chat, begging for more. 

“Please,” you moan at your screen. 

Suddenly, you hear it, a wet, slick sound. Fuck, is he touching himself? 

“It’s been a long day. All day, I was working and I was so horny because some people in this world can’t stop fucking teasing me, tempting me to punish them, just like you.”

You feel the tremor of your first orgasm, but it’s not as sharp, more like a hint of what is to come. You pinch your clit between your fingers, sighing a little bit at the relief of pressure.

“You’ve all been very bad. And until you show me you can be good, I’m going to pump my cock and not let any of you see. You think you can do that? You think you can be my good little subs and prove to me you’ll behave?”

Oh god. Fuck. He’s insane, he’s so hot and insane, and you’re also insane, nodding along. The condescension is so hot, and it reminds you of earlier in the kitchen, when Seokjin scolded you for not being safe with the knife. His voice got rough just like this guy. And it makes you feel so needy and desperate. 

Please, you beg silently, just like how you did this morning. I’ll do anything. 

Almost as if he knows this, you hear a moan carry through your speakers. You assume he’s reading the comments and tips with promises to behave. You clench around nothing, really wishing at least one of your toys was clean for you to use to feel less empty. You’re never falling asleep without washing them again. 

“Good, that’s what I like to see. Now remember, you don’t get to cum until I get to cum. Go ahead and play with yourself for me, get yourself all worked up. And then be good and listen. I’ll tell you what to do next.” 

Whoops. Well, the first one didn’t count. You aren’t satisfied. 

He groans, signaling that he’s stroking himself again, rough jerks you can hear from the way his hands are sliding over his (you assume) lubed cock. 

“You want to see me cum? You want to earn it all over you? You know what you have to do, my pretty little subs. Work for it. And not a penny less.” 

In a frenzy, the tip jar continues to buzz in the bottom corner, the graphic of coins depositing into it glitching out a bit as it fails to keep up with the volume of tips. While he’s the most popular streamer on this site, it’s not as though the website is the only one of its kind, and that means that his couple hundred viewers are putting in the work and the cash. 

You watch the numbers rise next to the tip jar as his subs showcase their double entendre: both his subscriber count soars and his comments flood with loyal submissives.

Please, Daddy. Please let me cum. 

I’m sorry Daddy. I’ll be good, I swear. 

Remove the blindfold please! I need to see your big cock! 

Ah, it’s a blindfold. Of course. 

The graphic of the jar changes, exploding and sending animated dollars and coins across the screen. This is wild. His viewers have already met the milestone. They’ve just raised ten grand in less than 15 minutes. That has to be some kind of record. 

He tuts and the sound of it punches your gut. Why does he sound so familiar?  “Tsk, that wasn’t so hard, was it? I knew you could do it. You want my forgiveness that badly, huh? Okay, I’ll give you what you need. I’ll forgive you.” 

Your pussy is throbbing. You’ve had to scale back the touching, feeling a weird sense of obedience to this camboy that you can’t describe. 

There’s a ruffling sound and the camera jolts before light pours into view, a blur of shapes and colors you can’t make out greeting you until it comes into focus and you’re met with a massive, leaking cock. 

“Holy shit,” you moan, finding your footing on your bed and moving your resting hand from your inner thigh back to your clit. 

The camera is framed from the user’s toned abs down to just the top of his thighs, showing off his heavy, tight balls and red, angry tip. 

“Is this what you’re begging for?” 

Yes, you shudder a breath. Yes. 

Large hands with long knobby fingers run along his thighs, one sweeping under to cup his balls while the other works his shaft, thumb sliding over his slit to rub precum around the tip. 

“Alright, then.” He begins pumping, smooth, tight jerks that have him squeezing his length and encouraging more strands of precum to leak out. He falls into a steady rhythm and you mirror the pace on your clit, gasping for breaths as you become all the more sensitive now that you have a visual to follow. 

“My face? Oh, no. You didn’t earn the right to see that. Don’t start with me. If you want to see my face when I cum, you have to reach the next milestone. You know the rules.” 

You don’t know the rules, but you hope someone else will be desperate enough to reach it for you. You’re dying to know what he looks like. 

Almost instantly, the money animation explodes on the screen again. A $5000 tip. Jesus Christ.

“Ah, of course mapl3stor33, I should’ve known it was you. Always so good to me.  Because of you I got to get that new collector figurine. Thank you. Well everyone, because of mapl3’s generosity and mmm…loyalty…fuck. I guess I’ll let you get your full fantasy. Let you see my face as you imagine you get to make a mess of me, milk my fucking cock all over you and let me make a mess of you.” He’s moaning as he speaks, pausing between sentences to pump himself harder as he gives “Maple” a proper shout out. 

Your cheeks heat in embarrassment. It’s one thing for you to create the fantasy, but him acknowledging it with some judgment, as though you’re not good enough to even fantasize about him, it’s leading you quicker to your undoing. 

His pace builds to a heavy, slick rut. His hands are slightly red, almost like how yours looked after washing the dishes before Seokjin kicked you out. 

Wait. Red hands. His look similar to Seokjin’s, with the same knobby long fingers. And the figurine and Maple…like, MapleStory? 

There’s no way. No, you’re clearly just losing it with your fantasies. This one is taking it too far. 

“Fuck, yeah that’s it baby. Touch yourself. Be good for me. Where do you want my cum? Oh, you dirty slut, fuck, yes. Okay, I’ll cum all over myself. Just for you. Shit. Almost, come on.”

Your fingers are still following his lead, unable to stop, so close to finishing, to the release. 

He moans, his hands blurring as he strokes fast and hard, jerking into himself. And that’s when you know. You heard that moan. You caused that moan. 

With a final solid, slightly whiny grunt, he backs up. His face coming into frame, and the first strands of thick white release cascades across Seokjin’s chest as you focus in on the pure bliss washing over him, his head thrown back and mouth shaped into a delicious “o”. 

“Oh, fuck. Take it, take my cum. Yes, that’s it. That’s my best girl, so good for me. Such a good girl.” 

The second you hear the praising fall from Seokjin’s mouth, he takes you over the edge with him. Your body rockets into your orgasm with a heavy clench of your core, feet losing their solid hold below you as you begin to shake and succumb to the feeling. 

You’ve unwound, the tension of your body unfurling as you’re cast out to sea, your body bobbing along each wave with a newfound euphoria. Out here on the water, the world is silent except the ring in your ears. You bask in the peaceful ebb until you feel a tingling in your fingertips and toes calling you back, forcing breath back into your lungs with a heavy pant. 

Once you recenter, you gaze back at the stream, confirming that this is the smiling and grateful Seokjin you just saw three hours ago. 

He called you a good girl. He came all over his sweaty chest. And he’s the top streamer on a gay sex cam site. 

©2024 by jooniperbonsai

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

A while ago, you wrote that you were planning on writing an essay about the "subtextual queer-coding" of Louis's character... I want it bad, CJ.

I've said that a few times now; to quote myself from my Javier's bisexuality essay, "-one day I'll crawl out of my bog to write my analysis on the queer-coding/subtext of Louis' character because if I read "lmao Louis is such a Straight" one more time, I'm going to let the gators take a bite out of me just so that I can feel something other than irritation for once."

Dramatic, but that's how I felt in the moment of writing that essay.

I have two twdg essays I'm working on with other ideas on the backburners, not to mention essays and other projects for other fandoms on my side blogs, among more personal works... so y'know what, anon? For you, I'll do a impromptu mini-essay right now since I don't know when or if I'll ever have time to dedicate a full-length deep-dive essay to the topic.

Also, big thank you to @pi-creates for once again providing me with screenshots!

Louis is bisexual-coded and CJ's gonna prove it [probably]

First thing's first: queer-coding, what is it?

Just so that we're all on the same page, here's the basic idea: implications that a character is queer through intentional [but not always] subtext, and/or the use of stereotypes to indicate a character's queerness without outright stating it. It's been around forever; look up the history of The Hays Code to learn more, but essentially the film industry was like, "That's it! no swearing! no more blasphemy! no drugs or alcohol! and definitely no homosexuality! good, clean, god-loving movies only!"

So, what were writers and film makers to do? Why, they code their characters, of course.

There's a lot to learn about the history of queer coding, the good, the bad, the in-between--but I'm not here to give you that lecture. I'm here to talk about Louis.

Ah, Louis. My favorite TWDG character. Love him. Adore him. Written countless thought pieces on him. Definitely bisexual.

Well, to me he is, anyway.

It's like a spidey-sense in the back of my head, I look at Louis and I go, "I know what you are."

When it comes to interpreting media, my stance is that while authorial intent is important, it doesn't dictate my interpretation.

I lean more into "Death of the Author" in all the media I consume, whether that be books, movies, TV, video games, etc... unless there's a circumstance where I feel learning more about the author would benefit my reading of their material... hence why I care little for what the writers/devs of TFS say about the story/characters as I don't want their influence, yet I'm reading all of Tillie Walden's books in order to better understand the Clementine books for my analysis.

As a bisexual myself, it's true that I may just be projecting onto my favorite character due to my desire to see a bi4bi couple in one of my favorite video games. That's how most headcanons come to be, no? We wish to see ourselves represented in characters we love, especially when we feel mis/underrepresented in media.

I believe Louis has some queer coding going on. I don't believe it's intentional, but it doesn't need to be in order to exist. It's there, I feel it when I play the game, no one gets to tell me otherwise.

First let's tackle the idea of, "how can Louis be bi if he's never seen flirting with any guys?" ...because I have a feeling that might come from the same people who say "he's such a Straight," y'know?

We know for sure that Louis likes girls--he has a crush on Clementine no matter what, and he makes a point of saying he's never had a girlfriend before... so if he's bi, why doesn't he also point out that he's never had a boyfriend before?

Because Clementine's not a boy.

No, really, it's that simple. Clementine is his only love interest in TFS, and having him bounce around flirting with everyone wouldn't be in character for him. He's friendly, sure, but friendliness and being flirtatious aren't the same thing.

But if he's bi, why wouldn't he flirt with his best friend, Marlon, or with Aasim? Mitch? What about the great chef god Omar?

I don't know--why doesn't he flirt with Brody? Or Ruby?

Again, I must point you to my essay on Javier and how much I disapprove of this notion that all bisexual characters have to "prove" they're bi by flirting with all genders--if they aren't running around DTF with everyone, then are they really bisexual???

First of all, stop that. A lot of people, usually straight, are under the impression that bisexuality is about who and how many people you're dating/sleeping with when no, that's not it.

Second, why would he flirt with them? He's not that type of character, and none of them are his love interest. His love interest is Clementine.

In ep1, during the card game, Louis asks Clementine if she's ever had a boyfriend [he wants to gauge her interest in boys since he's a boy], and he says she can ask him if he's ever had a girlfriend before [letting her know he likes girls] and that he hasn't, by the way. Hint hint.

Louis has no reason to add that he's never had a boyfriend, either. The game's making its intent clear with this: Louis is a potential love interest for Clementine.

It does this with Violet, too. It's just different. Violet doesn't need to explicitly state that she's only into girls, the game goes to great lengths to show us this through the writing. C'mon, we all know what "Minnie and I... we were close," really means. Your spidey-senses were tingling, especially if you're queer, too.

If you go fishing with Violet and Brody, you've told the game you're more interested in Violet than Louis at this point, so you find the heart with her and Minerva's initials carved in it. That's the game making another thing clear: Violet likes girls, she's the other potential love interest for Clementine.

Y'know, in case all the "Louis or Violet" choices weren't enough of an indication.

The first card game is usually what I see pointed at when someone goes, "lmao Louis is such a Straight" for asking Clementine that, and I'm like... this? Are you sure?

Honestly, my theory is people really want Louis and Violet to fit into the straight himbo/lesbian friendship dynamic, which like... you can still do that if he's not straight. I'm just sayin'.

"But CJ, how else would we know he's not straight if he doesn't show attraction to boys?"

By looking at literally everything else about him. He doesn't need to openly flirt with other boys to be bi. Bisexuality is more than that, it's a personal queer experience. There are things in the subtext of his character, and TFS in general, that lead me to believe he is.

Heteronormative thinking could be playing a part: "cis/straight's the default until proven otherwise." Hence why some need more "proof" of him expressing interest in people who aren't female...tbh I think some people are just dumb and miss the point of headcanon in fandom culture. It's not about what's objectively true with heaps of evidence, it's about looking at canon and interpreting it through our personal lens... but whatever it's fine, ignore me, I'll just continue on then-

I believe the Ericson crew don't operate under that line of thinking.

I touched on this a little before, but TFS's narrative is steeped in queer themes; an oppressive older generation who uses force to try to shape the Ericson crew to be like them, and if they fight back, they're punished; found family and acceptance, love in a world that doesn't want you; the troubled youth of Ericson being abandoned because parents didn't want to deal with them, sending them away to be "fixed." There's no getting away from it.

I think Louis puts it best when you appeal to him in ep1: "This is how adults do things, not us."

They're a generation who only had each other, abandoned by the adults who were supposed to love them, supposed to make them better. They're a generation of genuine acceptance when it comes to each other. Clementine and AJ are able to integrate with them because they're the same way. When AJ sees the heart with Violet and Minerva's initials in it, he doesn't question how two girls could be together, he just says, "Oh. Love." and then he moves on. He grew up differently than you and I, they all did.

We also need to consider where Louis came from before Ericson.

Louis has an artistic hobby in music, something we haven't seen before in TFS as we're often too busy trying not to die to explore hobbies. The most we see of something similar is when Mariana listens to music on a cassette player.

TFS introduced characters who have interests they pursue outside of survival, and they're more artistic things. Louis plays piano and writes music. Tenn's an artist who reintroduces AJ to drawing. Aasim writes and openly journals about the days as a record. Omar takes great pride in his cooking, which is an art in of itself. Violet mentions not being into arts and crafts, but she still makes Clementine a pin when you take her route, and she wants to dance with Clementine if they're romantically involved. Minerva had a talent for music, and Sophie for art when they were there, too.

I don't think I need to tell you that many look down on the arts--I think we're well aware. We're also aware of the stereotypes of men in the arts, no? "A boy who likes art?? Son, why can't you be normal and like sports!?" That nonsense.

Louis grew up wealthy with parents who gave him everything he ever wanted, except for one thing. As he tells it, he wanted singing lessons so he could be a real musician, but his father denied him; "You get to be happy, or you get to be rich, can't be both."

Huh... can't be both, can't have both, can't like both... where have I heard that one before?

Alright, maybe interpreting the use of the word "both" here as a metaphor for bisexuality is a major stretch. I know, but listen, in my experience there's always this feeling of "pick one" when it comes to outsiders who don't understand. The fact that Louis' father tried to teach him a "dad lesson" in this specific way is... interesting, to say the least.

The implication is that Louis was a spoiled brat and his father tried to teach him that you don't always get what you want in life... but why draw the line at music, specifically? Music is something his father could've thrown money at. Louis could've had the privilege of the finest vocal coaches at such a young age. He could've become a glowing success and never ended up at Ericson.

Music isn't gendered nor is it inherently queer... but I often wonder if his father would've had the same approach if Louis came to him and said, "I want to be a professional baseball player," instead. After all, in many circles it's more sociably acceptable to have a son who plays baseball, or any sport, rather than a son who takes singing lessons, no? And the fact that his father presents it as a "choice" between the arts and conformity.... C'mon, it's representative of a "choice" people try to enforce on bisexual people: pick the "gay" option and face the consequences, or pick the "straight" option and adhere to easy heteronormativity. That's not how that works, by the way.

But I digress, it's probably not that deep, but still.

Louis' response to all of this was basically, "Fuck you, I'm gonna destroy your marriage. That'll teach YOU a lesson." Real chaotic bisexual behavior here... Okay, I joke, but he's always been one for the dramatics, I suppose.

What I'm getting at is the concept of a character, typically masculine, enjoying the arts only for their more conservative family to disapprove makes an appearance in a lot of stories containing queer themes. It's understandable to raise an eyebrow at Louis for having a backstory like that, even if it's "not the point."

Now, let's examine his relationship with Clementine.

I will die on the hill that clouis is bi4bi.

Louis is peak bi love interest energy.

When we think of a typical straight male love interest, what do we think of? Specifically in the romance genre? I don't know about you, but I read a lot of romance, and well... the leading men tend to have some things in common. Y'know, he's unbelievably handsome and broody. He's an asshole but it's kinda hot? I guess? Not really, but the leading lady's into it. He's what you'd find under the definition of "toxic masculinity" but it's fine, she's going to fix him! With her love! He's really not that bad, he's just sad about his tragic backstory! And also, he's really hot!

Every time I pick up a book and I get the sense this is where it's going, I take a moment to debate with myself whether I'm willing to power through this in hopes that the book does something actually interesting with it... it usually doesn't.

Louis doesn't exactly fit in this mold, which in my opinion, is a good thing. Instead, he's charismatic and friendly. He cares about people and isn't afraid to show it. He watches over AJ until Clementine wakes up, and gives him his food after AJ eats all of his. He's interested in music, but he's not a weak survivor. He struggles with his self-esteem and the guilt of his actions hurting those he cares about. He's hurt and traumatized over Marlon's death and it causes him to lash out, but he gives Clementine a genuine apology. He strives to be better for her, AJ, and everyone at Ericson.

He's sweet with Clementine even before they're romantically involved, and if she doesn't share his feelings, he accepts that. He doesn't feel entitled to her. He isn't the "Nice Guy" trope.

He respects her autonomy, and admires the strengths she has rather than feeling threatened by them. He doesn't get jealous or possessive. He's never physically aggressive with her, and he never makes any sexist comments about how she can't do this, or how she needs to do this, because she's female.

It's the fact that he'd like Clementine no matter what. Louis feels like someone who likes who he likes regardless of gender.

Louis is soft, something that can be construed as weak, even though that's far from the case. It's not just his personality, either; let's take a quick look at his physical appearance.

Louis has a softness to him; long hair, freckles all over his face, his lips are fuller, he's tall and thin but not exactly broad in the shoulders, especially when compared to the other men in TFS. His appearance isn't considered intimidating, and I wouldn't say that his traits lean heavy into the masculine.

We joke about him being so fashionable in the apocalypse, but his long jacket is more evocative of "fashion over function," a stereotype often thrown at feminine fashion... though I suppose you could argue that's where he keeps Chairles so it is functional.

There's the way he presents himself, and yes, even the way that he stands at points, I have no other explanation for other than, "......it's the vibe, there's bisexual energy there."

Look, I'm no body language expert, okay...

...but c'mon, what is this?

I know it's dumb, but there's something to it, that's why so many of us make the "Louis ain't straight, look at how he stands" jokes.

All of this contributes to the subtext of Louis being a bisexual character. It's not about how many genders he openly flirts with, it's about how he's written, both as a character and as the male love interest. It doesn't matter how intentional it was because it's there, I recognize it.

Again, I'll reiterate that this is how I interpret TFS, clouis, and Louis as a character. As a bisexual myself, I'm going to have bias toward this topic. At the end of the day, it's fiction and Louis is a character, y'know? Headcanon is all in good fun, and I'd like to hear y'all's thoughts on this subject.

I don't know what else I can say other than, "Dude, just look at him!"

[ijustreallylikepirates]

I got an anonymous fanfic request so I’m going to be merging it with my fic on Alec’s birthday to just make it a bit longer. Hope that’s not much of an inconvenience or a bother.

I hope y'all enjoy this. I put my heart and soul into these fics just for y'all. Yall are a great group of people. Tumblr people are better than real people. Anyways I’m gonna stop yapping and here’s the fic.

Btw this fic is gonna be like really long so sorry bout that lol

Disclaimer: swearing, making out (shocker)

Finally, the day I’ve been waiting for for so many months. It’s finally my birthday.

I went full out for Nick on his birthday so I think he might spoil me like he tends to do even when it isn’t my birthday.

I don’t know what he’s planning but it’s gotta be something good with all that money he has. Perks of having a rich boyfriend.

I don’t only love him for his money though, if that’s what you’re thinking. There’s so much I love about him, like his personality. He’s so sweet, he treats me well, the way he always has a dirty joke for me. We have created so many amazing memories together it’s just hard to not love him. He also has the prettiest hair that just swoops when he turns his head in every which direction. His eyes are just so blue I get lost in them like I’m swimming in the Aruban ocean every time I stare into them. His skin is just so soft that when I hold his hand, it feels like I’m holding hands with a marshmallow.

I do quite love the expensive things he buys me though.

As I’m laying in my bed reading Fellow Travelers in the dim lamplight of my bedroom, Nick slowly opens the door and looks at me. Surprised to see me awake he says, “Good morning, birthday boy.”

He pushes the door open completely, and walks over to my bed. I smile as he pushes back the covers and lays his head on my pillow right next to me.

He kisses me on the cheek and asks, “Whatcha reading?”

I wrap my arm around his shoulders and show him the book cover. “Fellow Travelers.”

He lays his head slightly onto my shoulder and asks, “What’s it about?”

“It’s about these two guys Hawkins and Tim who fall in love in the 1950s which obviously wasn’t a very great time for queer people. So they just had to keep their love a secret and make it through the McCarthy Red Scare trials and the Lavender Scare.”

Nick stares at the words on the pages. “I have no idea what any of that means but okay.”

I just laugh. “If you’d read it, you would understand.”

“I haven’t picked up a book since what, high school?” He laughs. “Unless you read it to me like a toddler.”

I poke his nose with my finger, then kiss him. “You really want me to?”

“Hey, what the heck, love. I love hearing the sound of your voice so yes please.”

I laugh and kiss him again. “You’re so stupid. I can’t believe I’m dating you.”

“You love me.”

“I do actually.”

I put my bookmark in between the pages of my book, then place it down on the bed next to me. I turn to the side and wrap my arms around Nick’s back.

My face is now very close to his. He just smiles and places his hands on my waist.

He kisses me. “I have big plans for us today.”

I smirk. “Oh yeah? How much money do you plan on spending on me today?”

He kisses my forehead. “Don’t worry about that, love. Just kiss me.”

I roll my eyes. “Whatever, British boy.”

“Hey, you’re British too so-”

But I obviously can’t let him finish that sentence.

I quickly press my lips onto his. His eyes widen and a noise that sounded like a tiny scream escapes from the back of his throat.

When I pull away, he blushes and says, “Wow. I fucking love it when you kiss me like that.”

“What?”

“Like when you kiss me when I’m in the middle of a sentence. Or just when I don’t expect it at that moment. It’s my favorite thing ever.”

I blush and run my fingers through his hair. “You’re actually stupid. I fucking love you so much.”

He nuzzles his head into my chest. “I love you even more,” he mumbles into my chest.

I remove my fingers from his hair and rub his back. I kiss the top of his head.

We laid there for a while. He sneakily placed kisses on my chest a couple times, and I held him close to me, listening to his quiet breathing.

But after a while, he lifts his head and kisses me. “Well, we should probably get up now. It’s been a while, we can’t just lay here in your bed forever, birthday boy.” He sits up and pushes himself to the edge of my bed. “Come on. I made you breakfast.” He picks himself up off the bed and walks out the door.

Before getting up, I lay in my bed and stare at the door, the blanket pulled up over my chin. God, I love this man.

I throw the blanket off, grab my book, and get up. As I walk out the bedroom door, he has set a plate on the table. I smile and walk over to the table. But I didn’t even notice what he had cooked for me.

On the plate sat Menemen, or Turkish scrambled eggs with tomatoes. Menemen is one of my favorite Turkish dishes of all time! I wonder how he knew?

I laugh and ask, "You went out of your way to make me a Turkish breakfast?" I pick up the fork next to the plate and spear my breakfast.

I fork the eggs into my mouth and...

Oh.

Oh. My. God.

I close my eyes and throw my head back. "Mm. This is so good!"

Nick giggles as I fork more eggs into my mouth. "Thank you. I wanted to make some kind of breakfast from Türkiye. Cause y'know, I thought you would like it considering you're always trying to get me to try Turkish food."

I laugh and fork another bite of egg into my mouth, then pick up my book in my other hand. "You spoil me."

He smiles and says, "You deserve it."

I just chuckle and open up the book. But before I can take the bookmark out of the book, Nick takes the book out of my hand and snaps it shut. "Jeez. If you want gay love stories, I'm right here."

I laugh as he places the book back down on the table next to me. I shake my head and finish the last couple bites of my breakfast.

When I set my fork down on my now empty plate, Nick quickly picks up the plate and brings it over to the sink. As he starts to wash the plate he asks me, "So how was it? Was everything alright?"

"Everything was delicious, Efem. Why do you ask?"

Nick raises an eyebrow at me and says, "Well, I just wanted to know because it's the first time I ever cooked Turkish food for you and it's also your birthday! I need your first meal of the day to be perfect!"

"Well, it definitely was perfect. Thank you so much."

"You're so much more than welcome, Alec. And of course I'm going completely out of my way to make sure you feel like the most special person on this Earth." He turns his head around and says, "Now go put on something nice. We're going out."

I just roll my eyes. "Alright. Whatever you say."

I get up from the chair and walk over to Nick. I give him a quick peck on the cheek before heading off to my bedroom.

I close the bedroom door behind me and start looking through the drawers in my bureau. I pick out a nice blue button-down shirt and some black dress pants. I slip on some ankle-high white socks and a pair of shiny black dress shoes. I pull a leather belt through the belt loops of my pants, then slip a navy blue overcoat over my arms.

I quickly scan the room. I grab my phone off my bedside table and put it in my back pocket. But just as I'm about to leave the bedroom, I remember something.

My wallet.

I know that it's my birthday and Nick probably won't let me spend any money, but I never leave the house without my wallet. Ever. Like if there is ever a situation where I need to show my ID or driver's license, they'll be there right in my back pocket. Or like, what if Nick forgets his wallet today?

I scan the tops of my nightstands, but don't see my wallet on either table. I do a quick search of the bedroom; in my drawers, under the bed, under my pillows, inside my bedsheets, everywhere I could think of.

Then, I have an epiphany.

Nick.

I roll my eyes and sigh. "Not this again. Nick!"

"Yeah?" he calls back from the other room.

"Did you steal my wallet again?"

Silence.

"Hello? Nick?"

More silence.

I sigh. I walk over to my bedroom door and walk out. "I swear. Nicholas fucking Milton, you give me my wallet back this-"

And that's when I saw what he was doing.

He was just standing there in the middle of the living room, his hands in the pockets of the cashmere suit jacket he now had on, my wallet lodged between his teeth.

And honestly? I definitely blushed.

I just stood there for a second, then look Nick in the eyes and say, "Nick."

He just smirks. Well, as well as he can with my wallet in his mouth.

I walk over to him and hold my hand out. "Give it back to me now."

He slowly shakes his head.

"Now."

A low giggle from the back of his throat.

I shake my head and close my hand around the wallet. He clamps his jaw down tighter on my wallet.

I pull on my wallet, but my hand slips. "Come on, give it back!" I try to pry it out again. "You're going to get teeth marks on my wallet. That was expensive!" Another pull. "Come on!"

He just looks at me blankly, that horrendous smirk on his face.

God, he's so frustrating! I groan loudly.

But then... I smirk.

"Oh, Nick..." I say, leaning closer to him. "If you give me back my wallet, I'll reward you."

From in between his teeth, he says something like, "Wih wha?" which I assume meant, 'With what?'

I lean even closer. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'll kiss you. Maybe we could, I don't know..." I lean over and put my lips dangerously close to his ear. "Make out..." I whisper into his ear. I place a gentle kiss on his neck as I pull my face back.

He was frozen, his whole face completely red. I hold my hand up to his mouth and he unclamps his teeth. My wallet falls into my hand, and I close my hand tightly around the smooth leather. I do a quick check to see if he didn't take anything out of it, then slipped it into my other back pocket.

"Thank you," I say, tucking my hand behind his neck. I lean in and press my lips onto his.

He doesn't waste a second kissing me back. He puts his hands on my waist and pulls me close to him, kissing me harder.

His tongue brushes against mine as I push him hardly against the wall, making the room shake a little. One of the paintings even falls off the wall. But I'll fix that later.

I bring my hands down to his back, then start lifting up his cashmere suit jacket and white undershirt with my index, middle, and ring fingers.

I felt his hands trail down my waist and onto my ass. I press my body up against Nick's, warmth surging in between us.

I could feel his heartbeat against my chest. Or was it mine? No matter. Nick is so hot, I don't even care.

All that I could hear was my and Nick's breathing, the sound of his golden watch quietly ticking, and the occasional kissing noises. To be specific, very wet kissing noises.

He squeezes my ass as my hands start to trail up his back. His skin is so soft and warm.

I feel like I'm on the moon. We've made out many times before, but this just felt so much better. I don't know what was so special about today's makeout sesh. Maybe because it was my birthday. I don't know.

Wait...

My birthday! Nick is supposed to be taking me out today but we're up against the living room wall sharing saliva! And yes, before you germaphobes say anything about that sentence, I know how weird it is but like come on! It's Nicholas Milton iii, the hottest man on this earth!

I slowly pull away from Nick, a trail of spit stringing between our lips and breaking apart, spilling onto our bottom lips.

Nick goes in for another kiss, but I put my finger over his lips. "What time is it?" I ask him.

He pulls his hands from my ass and checks his watch. "11:00."

I retrieve my hands from his back and say, "We should get going." I back up from him.

He nods. "Just promise me you won't spend any money today. It's your day and you deserve to be treated like a princess."

I scoff and roll my eyes. "You already treat me like a princess every day, but okay. Come on now, the anticipation is killing me! I really want to know where you're taking me!"

He laughs. "Okay, okay! Just one more second. I have to grab something.

I watch as he walks into the other room. I raise my eyebrow when he comes back into the living room, holding something inside his cashmere suit jacket. That's...suspicious.

"Come on, let's go," he says, grabbing his car keys and opening the front door.

I look at him with my eyebrow raised, then follow him out the door and close the door behind me. We walk over to the car, and I climb into the passenger seat.

Nick opens the back door of the car. I pull down the sun visor and pretend to look at my hair in the mirror, but really, I watch as Nick slips something black and grey into one of those reuseable Stop&Shop bags. Very suspicious.

He then shuts the car door and walks over, climbing into the driver's seat. He shuts the door and starts up the engine.

I realize I still have the sun visor down, so I quickly run my fingers through my hair and pretend to look at it with a pout.

Nick leans over and cups my face in his hand. "Your hair looks fine, love." He kisses me on the cheek and shuts the sun visor. I blush as he puts the car in reverse and backs out of the driveway.

~

For the whole car ride I stared out the window with my legs crossed, trying to figure out where Nick was taking me.

But wait a minute...

I recognize this route!

This is the way to Barnes&Noble!

Nick really is spoiling me today, isn't he? Plus, I wonder what's in that bag in the back seat...

I turn my head to look at Nick and ask, "Are you taking me to Barnes&Noble?"

He smiles and nods. "Yep. I'm going to let you buy as many books as you want with my money."

My jaw drops. "Are you serious?"

"Mhm."

"Are you sure you want to let me do that?"

"Anything for you, baby."

I look back out the window and smirk mischievously. I rub my hands together and say, "Oh, you're about to go into debt."

Nick raises his eyebrow and says, "I'm starting to regret my decision."

I just laugh.

When he pulls into a parking spot in front of the Barnes&Noble and stops the car, I quickly jump out of the car and start running to the store.

"Come on!" I shout back to Nick as I jump up the curb.

"I'ma coming!" he shouts back, laughing in between sentences. "Wait up!"

I get to the front door and I look behind me. He's still running across the parking lot. I smirk and fling the door open as I shout, "Too slow!" and run through the door.

Nick laughs again and shouts, "Hey! Wait!" but the door shuts before he can make it there.

I don't even look back to check if Nick was behind me; I just ran behind one of the shelves. I started looking for books and piling a bunch into my arms. Hey! Nick said I could have as many as I wanted, so I'm picking up as many as I want.

But... I still want to be nice, so I'll limit myself to 20.

By the time Nick finds me, I have 19 out of the 20 books I limited myself to in my hands. Well... as good as I could hold them all anyway. I had them stacked in my arms, trying really hard not to drop them.

As soon as Nick sees me in the adult romance section, he rushes over to me. He laughs and asks, "Do you want some help with those?"

"Yes please," I say as I pile half the books into his hands.

Nick staggers a little, but quickly regains his balance and tightens his grip on my books. He huffs and asks, "What books did you even pick up?"

I look at the books and say, "Red White and Royal Blue, A Taste of Gold and Iron, Under the Whispering Door, In the Lives of Puppets, In Deeper Waters, Good Omens, Out of the Blue, Less, Kidnapped by the Pirate, the Apollo Ascending series, and the Shadowhunters Mortal Instruments series."

"Is that it?" Nick asks.

I just realized I have a guilty look on my face. "Yeah? I thought about it, and I realized I don't want you to spend that much money on me just for me to buy ink on dead trees."

Nick's eye twitched. "Alec... when I said you could buy as many books as you wanted, I meant it. Go fucking crazy. I don't care if you want to spend all my money on your ink on dead trees because it's your day and that's what's important to you. Go pick up some more fucking books and we're not leaving here until you have all the books you want."

I look at Nick, absolutely dumbfounded. "Oh... are you sure?"

Nick's eye twitches again. "Yes!"

"Like... 100% positive?"

"Yes!" Nick looks around. "But I think we need something to hold all these books though. Do they have like, something for us to put them all in?"

I consider this. "I don't think so. But you can ask one of the cashiers for one of those big paper bags."

Nick nods. "Alright. Come on, let's go get one."

He starts walking towards the front desk, me following closely behind him.

There was nobody checking out and there was only one cashier. Nick walks right up to the desk and says to the cashier, "Hello!"

The cashier looks up from her magazine but doesn't say anything.

"Uh, can I get one of those big paper bags?"

The cashier raises her eyebrow and picks up one of the paper bags from behind the desk. "This one?"

Nick nods enthusiastically. "Yes! That one!"

The cashier's face turns skeptical. "For what?"

Nick points at me and says, "I promised my boyfriend I'd buy him as many books as he wanted, and I really underestimated how many books he'd really buy."

The cashier just chuckles. "Are you going to actually come back and pay for them?"

Nick raises his eyebrow and lets out a small quiet gasp. "Are you calling me a criminal?"

"Just a genuine question, sir."

"Of course I'm coming back to pay for them! I'm too rich to start stealing shit!"

I laugh. "Stop flexing on your money."

He laughs too. "I'm just saying." He takes the bag from the cashier. "Thank you very much."

She laughs and picks up her magazine. "You're welcome. And happy shopping!"

I take the bag from Nick and dump my books into it. He dumps the books that I made him hold into the bag.

I look up at the cashier and say, "Oh, I'm definitely happy," before walking off to another shelf.

Nick loudly exhales and says under his breath, "At least he's happy," before following me.

~

By the time we made it out of the store, it was 4:00PM. I wish I was joking but I literally spent 5 whole hours in Barnes&Noble.

But I bought a lot so that makes sense.

Along with the original 19 books I picked up, I had bought The Love Hypothesis, The Song of Achilles, Dreamland, all 5 Heartstopper volumes, Nick and Charlie, This Winter, Radio Silence, Loveless, I Was Born for This, Solitaire, The Paris Library, all 6 volumes of Fence, and The Clean Slate Ranch series. 46 books total.

I also bought two Elvis records, a Queen record, and a Cardigans record.

Altogether that came to £498.94.

Now, sitting in a fancy restaurant, my books and records safely stored in the car, we laugh about that insane price.

"I mean, come on!" Nick shouts, swirling his wine around in his glass. "Almost £500 for 46 books and 4 records? That's crazy!"

I take a sip from my wine and say, "I mean, in America my shopping haul would probably amount to $1000."

Nick raises his eyebrows in shock. "Really?"

He takes a sip of wine as I nod.

"That's bogus!" he says, accidentally spilling a drop of wine on the tablecloth.

He quickly wipes up the wine as I say, "Inflations." I take a sip of my wine.

He laughs. "Sometimes I don't know about America."

I don't respond.

Nick raises an eyebrow at me. "Something wrong?"

I finish off my glass of wine and say, "Do you ever think about... Disventure Camp?"

Nick's eyes widen a little and he takes a sip of wine. "Sometimes... yeah. Why do you ask?"

I fold my hands in front of me and twiddle my thumbs. "I just can't stop thinking about the friendships I destroyed on that show or could've had. Everything I lost because I joined that show."

Nick puts his wine glass down and puts his hand over mine. "What do you mean?" he asks solemnly.

I sigh and say, "I lost a woman I really loved because I couldn't see it for my myself how shitty of a husband I was being. I haven't seen my son in almost a year. I really thought I could waltz onto that show and win the money to fix my marriage! I'm so stupid and I lost everything! It's been a while but I... still feel guilty about everything."

I grab Nick's hand and start playing with his fingers. "And I had people I was really close to on the show that I lost because I was so set on winning the dumb game! I had great friendships with Ellie, Connor, Grett. I couldn't even maintain 3 friendships without fucking anything up? And I can't believe that I let myself get tricked by Fiore! I could've won that money; I could've fixed my problems! But I didn't and I lost everything!"

"Hey! We all got tricked by Fiore! She was a little demon child, but we couldn't help it. We all underestimated what she could do, and it didn't turn out good for any of us. And I was great friends with Ashley, Lill, and Will in season 1, but I just recently made a Facebook groupchat with them and we're all talking again. Maybe if you talked it out with Ellie, Connor, and Grett, you could restore your friendships! I don't know if that'll work for you but it did for me."

He took my face in his hands and says, "And you definitely didn't lose everything. I'm here! I was the fresh start you needed, and we are currently going steady! I definitely needed you for my character arc and you needed me for yours. I'll be here to help you through everything. I'll be there when you need me most. Just call on me, and I'll be there for you in the blink of an eye."

A tear falls from my eye. "I... don't know what to say. Thank you so much."

Nick smiles and wipes the tear away with his thumb. "All I want is for you to be happy. Come on now, don't be sad. It's your birthday!"

I put my hand over his and close my eyes. "Yeah... yeah, I guess it is."

~

Dinner came and it was great. I wasn't expecting much because it was such a fancy restaurant, and usually fancy restaurants never have the best food in the world.

Me and Nick were back in the car, driving somewhere else now. He had his hand on my thigh as we listen to Billy Joel on the radio.

I laugh. "I don't understand how you can plan so much stuff to do for one day! You didn't have to spend so much money on me today. I mean, come on! It's just my birthday!"

Nick gasped. "Just your birthday? It might as well be Christmas! Your birthday is one of the most important days of the year!"

I just laugh as he pulls up to our local park and parks his car against the curb.

I look over at him and raise my eyebrow. "The park?"

He smiles and says, "Go on. Go find a nice spot. We're going to watch the sunset and I have presents."

I smile. "How did you know I like to watch the sunset?"

"I always see you staring out the living room window with a book open in your lap. The sunlight always makes your eyes look so beautiful."

I just blush and open the car door. "Whatever." I step up the curb and look around.

There was a nice spot next to the lake, a nice patch of sunlight in the grass. Perfect.

I look behind me at Nick, who is walking over to me with the reusable Stop&Shop bag. I really want to know what he put in there earlier. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I wave him over, a big smile on my face. He laughs and starts running.

Once he gets over to me, he places the bag down on the grass. he reaches down and pulls a blanket out of the bag. The same blue fleece blanket we had laid over us after our first date.

He laid the blanket out on the ground. "Here. Sit. I don't want your hot ass to go green."

I laugh and sit down on the blanket. He sits down next to me and pulls the bag onto the blanket. He reaches into the bag and pulls out a small box wrapped in blue paper; a red envelope attached to it.

"Here," he says, handing them over to me. "Here's your present."

I take it from him and smile. "Aw, thank you. But you didn't have to. You've already done so much for me today!"

Nick rolls his eyes and says, "Just open the damn present."

I laugh and remove the card from the box. I put the box down on the blanket and go to open the envelope, but Nick grabs my arm.

"Wait! I want you to open the present first!"

I raise my eyebrow. "But why? It's good manners to open up the card before the present."

"I know but... I think you'll like what's in the card more than the present itself."

I just stare at him, confused. "Al... right then. If you really want me to."

I put the envelope down on the blanket and pick the box back up. I slowly unwrap the paper.

There was a small mahogany box. I open the lid and...

Oh. My. God.

Inside the box was the most beautiful watch I had ever seen. Emerald green and gold, beautiful sheen, smooth leather wristband. It was so... vintage!

I take it out of the box, staring at it in awe. I put it around my wrist and observe it.

"Oh, wow. Nick, this is so beautiful!"

"Even more beautiful than me?"

I scoff. "Oh, shut it." I look away. "And no, you're still more beautiful."

He laughs, then leans over and kisses me on the cheek. "Now open up the card."

I pick up the envelope and pry it open. Inside was a card with flowers and the words 'Happy Birthday!' on the cover. When I opened up the card there were two sheets of paper, but I shoved them aside to read the card.

There were no actual words on the inside, but Nick had written in his swoopy handwriting, "I love you so much. Happy Birthday Alec xoxo -Nick."

I blush. Then I close the card and look at the pieces of paper that were inside.

And when I tell you my initial shock when I read what was on it. The sheets of paper were two plane tickets to Istanbul, Türkiye!

I look at Nick, my jaw dropped. "You didn't!"

He smirks and says, "One for me, one for you."

I just laugh and throw my arms around his neck, tackling him onto the blanket. I start showering him with kisses, as he laughs and laughs.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh, you're the best boyfriend ever!" I exclaim, getting up off of Nick.

Nick sits up and just laughs. "I know you always wanted me to see Istanbul so... why not take you there myself?"

I lean in and kiss him. "Oh, I promise you are going to love it there!"

He smiles and blushes. "I bet I will."

We look into each other's eyes for a moment. Then Nick seems to remember something. "Oh, I have cake for us!"

He reaches into the bag and pulls out a cake in a plastic tin. It had white frosting and the words 'Happy Birthday Alec!' written on it in chocolate lettering.

Nick smiles weakly and says, "Sorry that I couldn't bake you a cake myself. You know I'm a shit baker."

I laugh. "Yeah. You're a great cook though."

He blushes. "I really do try to make good food."

"Try my asshole! Your food is fucking amazing!"

He turns even more red. "Aw, really? Wow." He places the cake down on the blanket next to me and covers his face with his hands.

I just laugh.

After a while, he takes his hands off his face and picks some forks, a cake trowel, and paper plates out of the bag. He removes the lid off the cake and cuts two slices of cake with the cake trowel, then puts each slice on a plate.

He puts a fork on one of the plates and hands it to me. "For you, my king."

I blush and take the plate. "Oh, stop it."

We sat there together side by side, eating our cake with one hand, our other hands lying next to each other on the blanket, our pinkies crossed over.

Once we finish our cake, the sun had started to set.

I look up at the sky. It's colored in many shades of yellow, orange, purple, and pink. It was absolutely mesmerizing. I put my hands in the pockets of my overcoat and smile up at the sky.

Suddenly, I hear a click from next to me. I look over and see Nick holding up his camera.

"You sneaky bitch!" I exclaim, laughing.

He pulls the camera away from his face and laughs, saying nothing. And oh my God, the light from the setting sun was reflecting in his eyes, mixing in with the blue and making them shine. And his skin seemed to be glowing.

I blush and say, "You're so pretty."

He blushes. "You're so gay."

I gasp. "Oh no! I've been outed!"

We laugh.

I lean onto his shoulder and let out a breath. "I really wish I had my book with me."

"Who says you didn't?"

I look up at Nick. "What?"

He turns around and reaches into his bag, pulling out Fellow Travelers and handing it to me.

So that's the black and grey thing he slipped into the bag earlier. My book! I take it and smile. "You're so stupid. I love you so much!"

"I knew you'd want your book with this sunset so... I brought it, just in case."

I turn to the page I left off on and say, "How do you know me so well?"

He puts his hand on my waist and says, "Well, we've been dating for like what? A year now? I should know you pretty well."

I just shake my head at him.

He kisses me on the top of my head and says, "Happy birthday, Alec."

~

What a day this has been. Laying with Nick in his bed, I think about everything he did for me today.

"Alec?" came Nick's voice out of the silence.

"Hm?"

"That thing you called me earlier. What does that mean?"

I raise my eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"That name you called me at breakfast."

"Efem?"

"Yes. Efem. What does it mean?"

I chuckle. "It means 'my daredevil boy' in Turkish."

He smiles and runs his fingers through my hair. "Well, that checks out."

"Mhm."

We plunge into silence again.

"Alec?" Nick asks again.

I laugh. "Oh my God, what now?"

"Sorry. One more thing. Remember how you promised to read your book to me earlier?"

I smirk. "What? Do you want me to read it to you now?"

"Yes please. I really want to know what happens."

I just laugh. "Hold on."

I get out of his bed and go to my own room, scourge through my bookshelves, grab Fellow Travelers, and go back to Nick's room.

I climb back into his bed next to him and open the book to the first page. "You ready?"

He snuggles his head into my chest and says, "Mhm."

I take a deep breath and start. "Very snazzy, Mr. Fuller."

And as I read to him, listening to his quiet breathing, I really truly know that this right here, the little moments like this with Nick, is what true love looks like.

OMG THIS HAS TO BE MY FAVORITE FANFICTION IVE WRITTEN SO FAR CNIDWBXHKDSNCH!!! THEYRE SO GAY OMG

anyways I’m sorry again for how long this one is lol I got a little silly again

I really hoped you enjoyed this one guys especially you anonymous person who asked for this

Anyways have a great day yall and there’s more fanfictions to come!!! Ily all bye!!! <<<333

[hey-hamlet]

I just read through you transmigrator tag for the nth time, and i am so in love with how weird Izuku is to everyone in that au, with this post in particular: https://hey-hamlet.tumblr.com/post/667067533815382016/would-anyone-believe-that-transmigrator-izuku

He's just this weird fucking mix of "knowing way too fucking much, like how did you learn that" and "have you been living under a rock what kind of alien are you"

The best part? Izuku has a whole All Might shrine in his room, but he like. Probably doesnt know that much about him? At least not more than a casual fan would. That is so amusing to me. Biggest All Might fanboy didnt know he lived in America for years, more at seven.

Izuku goes to I-island and is like "HOLY SHIT ALL MIGHT'S EX GAY LOVER? ALL MIGHT QUEER CANON???" and like quietly asks Melissa if they are her biological parents or something.

Melissa laughs it off and then pauses for a minute. "Like. no I'm sure my mum was real. But. Huh. Hm." And then shoves that question into a corner after she watches Izuku lose his shit about how she made hoverboard for funsies a few weeks ago.

Like, hoverboards are consumer products - stupid expensive ones, but its not like she invented them? The impressive part was her making the thrusters from scratch rather than using the mass produced mini ones you can buy anywhere.

Izuku also has the joy of looking at a map of europe and going "i swear to god that island wasn't there before but I don't know enough about european geography to be sure about it. When he lands in Otheon hes got a moment of "yeah no i was right this isn't a real country" and Bakugo turns to look at him like he's insane.

[clockworkspider]

Okay so I've been reading Some Desperate Glory and like...

Here's the thing. Most readers and writers will swear up and down that protagonists NEEDS to be flawed to be interesting. But most of us are also fucking cowards who only wants to see/dares to write harmless (he's stubborn but it just means he never gives up), relatable (cowardice, cynicism) or sexy flaws (she's an asshole but only because she's jaded but has a kind heart underneath, he tortures people but all his victims are certified assholes).

When you get actually have protagonist with ugly human flaws you always get a good portion of the readers being like "the protagonist is unlikable" and "I can't relate to them". (Y'all weak!)

Some character flaws are harder for readers to swallow. Like bigotry. Nobody writes queer protagonist that are fucking racist/sexist/homophobic nowadays. And if they hold prejudice they're gonna realize the errors of their ways the moment they meet an alien who's nice to them and be like "oh my gosh those who are different from me are people too I've been wrong all my life".

Not Val Kyr. Val Kyr is a real bigot. She grew up sipping the Terran patriotism and eugenics juice. She's cruel but is self-righteous about it. In chapter 1 she bullies some children for having fun. She meets a meek pathetic little alien and immediately kicks them. She is loyal to a fault and cares deeply for the people around her but has such underdeveloped empathy due to both her upbringing and who she is as a person that nobody likes her. She's fucking miserable but doesn't know it. She's a good example of someone who's radicalized by her upbringing...

Because you see... it's established from the start that aliens destroyed earth, all 14 billion people on it. The rest of humanity, living on colony planets, who have decided to co-operate with the aliens, now live in blessed harmony. Only a small terrorist cell continues to fight, isolated on their little space station, breeding super soldiers via eugenics.

So Val Kyr doesn't weep from the error of her ways the moment she realize aliens are also people. They killed her planet.

And that's just a taste of the complexity this book deals with.

And like... admittedly, through the first half of the book, I gritted my teeth and thought "this better be so goddamn satisfying once she gets some character development" because I have finally met a (non-villain) problematic protagonist who challenged the limits of my empathy but I ain't no coward. (Plus I think it's really brave of the author to write a bigot protagonist in a queer novel and I respect that.) And like... I knew from the start that this is gonna be a de-radicalization story. I am at 61% and I really like the direction this is going.

The story doesn't just dress down the errors of her ways in a moralistic way. It takes in the complexity of the situation and turns around and gives the "wrong" version of her dignity. She was the product of a toxic environment. She was cruel and vile. But her experiences were real. Her anger was real. She was a person who made decisions and that person mattered no matter how "bad" she was.

And like... I think this complexity says so much when you consider the premise. That victims of war, of genocide, are not all gonna be pleasant sympathetic people.

So... the beginning of this book is a bit of a drag but I really like where this is going. If you plan to read it, please get pass 57%, that's when things get real interesting. (I still haven't finished. I'll decide whether this is actually the worst book ever once I'm done but... so far I'm REALLY impressed by everything its done.)

Anyway I think you should join me in reading this novel if you're also not a fucking coward.

[dreamtydraw]

Hello from the Fishbowl!

Oh I’m so glad you and plant anon agree with me on my vn red flags/icks! Like I said a lot of the red flags and icks I tend to have are really subjective so I get that some people will love what I kinda hate but it’s nice to see I’m not alone on stuff :)

Also, is it bad that I kinda wanna hear more about Heir to Love and Lie? I’ve never played any Fictif games but this sounds like some hot gossip I want in on, tell me more about how bad of a game it is lol. From an outsider perspective I think it’s kinda funny how it’s like “Yes the Fictif app has a bunch of great and fun stories with a ton of good content- NO DONT LOOK AT THAT STORY ITS HIDEOUS-” I know the stories are probably made by different teams so it makes sense that there’s differences in quality but still

Last Legacy and now Roadkill have peaked my interest since I’ve seen you talk about it here (I had never heard of Fictif at all before) but I’ve been a little hesitant to give the games a try because they’re mobile games and frankly I’m not the biggest fan of playing vn style games on mobile, I used to all the time but the grinding for stuff like story keys just to get content that may or may not be good kinda grated on me so I stopped and haven’t looked back. But idk maybe I’ll decide to give Fictif a chance when I have the time, your love for the games are definitely convincing me to give it a shot :)

Also I hope you get better soon and you’re not sick with anything too serious! Take care of yourself!

-🐟

( ok i’ll do proganda about the good game of fictif ask me about htlal on another ask )

Ok so i’ll start by saying that you should def play roadkil, last legacy and monster manor on the fictif app, WITH A CRACKED VERSION! If you have an Android play with a mod app and you won’t have to pay for the special choice ( you still have to wait for keys tho but it’s manageable) I personally use Modyolo. With the mod there is no grind, you just wait for your keys to regenerate to play the chapters.

Why you should play last legacy ? Last legacy is a really well written fantasy romance made by queers, for queers with good queers characters. The narrative is limited but realize that fans of this game haven’t had update in 2 years and we all still love this, that how good the game is for us. What I really appreciate is the approach of the romance, the well-written worldbuilding, and the interesting plot and evolution of the li throughout the story + bonus points the art is really pretty + the music is awesome

This is an otome where you feel the passion of the dev because of all the details and care they put into the characters. It sad that we’ll never get an ending but just because it’s my second favorite otome after Our life i really recomand.

Now another wonderful story on the app is Monster manor. It’s a reviseted tale of beauty and the beast where mc is a reparator that come helps the resident of the manor to fix the place and also fix their issue. Again it’s very well written and although you can get subtile subtext on romance this one is very axed on exploring the character's mental health and their story of self-improvement. ALSO IT HAS A CANON TRANS DRAGON CREATURE WHO’S THE SWEETEST I LOVE HIM HE’S SO WHOLESOME-

Bonus the music is so good i even added it on my spotify- and good art

Monster Manor is one of those stories that leave a very specific feeling in you. I don't know how to describe it but it just has a lot of wholesomeness and character going troughs sad but relatable problems that you see get better and makes you happy that they're healing.

now.... my guilty pleasure.... Roadkil !

THE BROMANCE OF THIS GAME IS SO GOOD I swear

Objectively: This game feels like a wild mess of fan fiction with random scenario after scenario and cliché horror moments, but oh man the ambiance. The best trio of Li, they are close friends, and in the 3 routes the group is just such an amazing friend group. The characters are lovely and it's like reading a bad yet good wattpad fanfic : well written ? no ? But the ideas ? good !

Like i said, this game is based on cliché of horror movies but also on american culture ( which I learned trought this game lol ). It has longer chapters than the other two games (except Tess but Tess got hit by the sexism of a greedy company that wants shirtless men in dating sim to attract gurls ) BUT they all shine.

Poe's route had me ugly crying in the end, Howie's ending is AWFULL but I had a great time, Tess is actually a superbe F Li even whith the dev having to cut her short and ruin her ending, she shine very britgh in the other routes and her own ( for ex she's the one with a shotgun and the one that won you and howie a teddy bear )

I really need more people to play roadkill because it's an underated banger in my opinion and it has many great scenes in the mess of scenarios ( the intro is really good for ecxemple )

Like, when I say not all game needs to be well written? That's what I'm talking about, this one is a hot delightful mess

ANYWAY! My rambling was long but I hope it was interessing !

[kajaono]

How 911 7x04 supports four different readings

A long term, a short term, a canon and a subtextual one and all of them are valid

Just as a short reminder. In 7x03 Buck meets Tommy for the first time and instantly smitten by the cool hot pilot. Turns out the hot pilot and his best friend are best buddies. Buck feels left behind. So 7x04 lets us believe he tries everything to get Eddies attention. Turns out, he actually wanted Tommys attention. So, thats the narrative we are working with

Canon and short term narrative

So on a canon level we have Buck meets a cute pilot, tries everything to get his attention, breaks his best friend foot, gets rewarded with a kiss, a boyfriend and a coming out. A clear BuckTommy narrative.

Long Term narrative

And now it gets compliacted. Is Bucktommy a long term option? Is this a) "we see you read Buck as queer AND you ship Eddie and Buck... but the network says "no" to canon Buddie, but "yes" to bi Buck, so we give you everything we can"? We saw similar things in The Witcher for example, where people read Jaskier as pan and in love with Geralt and season 3 made really clear: "Yes he is pan, but we will never make Geraskier canon. BUt here: Jaskier now has a boyfriend."

Which btw doesn't make the queer coming out arc and the queer relationship less important or valid. I think the storytelling couldn't be more clear how much it cares for BuckTommy.

Or is this b) slow burn? Introducing: Marcus Pike aka Pedro Pascal in season 6 of The Mentalist:

For those of you who have never watched The Mentalist (have you been living under a rock?!) . It is a typical (and extremly good) crime show, 22 episodes each season, and one episode: one case

The main couple, Lisbon x Jane (Jisbon):

These cuties here. Six seasons of slow burn and pining. And the moment they nearly got together this show did what every good show did back then. They introduced a new love interest, and one half of the main couple falls for him:

Even though everyone knew that Jisbon was endgame it added even more tension, made the pining and slow burn even longer.

So what of those two options is Tommy? Someone to make the pining even longer? Or a compromise because canon Buddie is not possible?

Only time will tell and I am super curious for your opinins, Because i Think this is also where the ship war comes from.

Because Tommy could be both and it is aboslutly not clear if Tommy is here to stay or only a plot device

This is also where the subtextual narrative kicks in

If you see it from a long term POV this whole "i try to get your attention" could have second level... which eventually could be about Buddie again. From a long term POV. As in: "I wanted Tommys attention because I really liked him and because he helped me realize my true feelings... and I realized I could never have your attention." something like that.

What I want to say is: 7:04 is written in a way that the canon narrative we have today can be changed easily later without destrorying the legacy it has: canon bi Buck. Or it will be forever a Bucktommy ep... which is also amazing! (I am here for both ships! Multishipping yay!)

It is so so hard to tell and I want all your opinions in my inbox. Is Tommy a plot device that leads to canon Buddie or here to stay? Keep in mind this show could go on for ten more seasons...

And leave me alone with ship wars. If i get too many hate messages I will write a meta why Buck x Eddie x Tommy will be endgame, I swear

[thenanamisimp]

This isn't something I've really done much since I started this blog but I really wanted to discuss this week’s TGCF episode.

This is your spoiler warning!!

Heaven official's blessing season 2, episode 6 spoilers but there are also discussions of the respective scenes from volume 2 so if you haven't finished reading the novel, I'd suggest maybe not reading this post.

For context, I saw a user on twitter discuss how the donghua has been adapting Hua Cheng's display of emotions towards Xie Lian.

Source

I also saw another user discuss the difference between how the novel/audio drama and the donghua have been showing Hua Cheng expressing emotions.

(I can't share the source as the OP is now private on twitter)

While I haven't actually listened to the audio drama and I'm only on my first re-read of TGCF, these posts inspired me and I have thoughts and opinions that I need to share before I implode (one day it’ll happen I swear).

The scene the posters are talking about is after hcg saves xl from the heavenly Xianle palace, where they talk about what happened at paradise manor (aka xl apologising for burning down the armoury and lying to hcg about the earth master and hcg apologising for hurting xl’s arm).

In the donghua, we see hcg very obviously upset. He appears obviously and genuinely very sad about having hurt xl, even with the whole incident having been an accident. The distress in his eyes and voice is evident and clear-cut, seeming perhaps even a bit childish. In contrast, when reading this scene in the novel, while hcg definitely comes across upset, his distress appears a bit more calm and collected and he instead truly seems like a responsible adult who made a mistake and is sincerely apologetic for it to xl.

I believe that there’s multiple reasons why the dongua team chose to show hcg’s emotions in the way that they did. In my opinion, a reason why they could’ve chosen to do it this way is because of censorship. Now hear me out; clearly as a western fan I can’t speak much on Chinese censorship as I’m not highly knowledgable on the subject. However, I’d like to believe that the producing team is trying to work around the censorship laws in their own way. By making hcg’s emotions a little more over-the-top and obvious, it’s a lot easier for us as the viewer, especially queer fans that might understand queer dynamics better than others, to see and pick up on the subtext of what those exaggerated emotions mean while never having to be said out loud. And yes, we could argue that for those of us who have read the novel, it’s easier to recognise those subtle moments of vulnerability even if hcg’s reaction was made as ambiguous as it is in the book, because we have a lot more context. We have to remind ourselves that Hualian’s love story is never gonna be shown in the donghua in the same as the novel and people who are new to the story won't pick up on their relationship as easily.

As someone who hand’t heard of TGCF until Netflix licensed the donghua in my region (in 2021 I think?), I actually highly appreciate this difference in hcg’s character in the donghua. And while I don’t appreciate queerbaiting, watching season 1 made me search for the original source material and ended up with 8 very expensive books on my shelf (it took me 2 years to find volume 2 in stock somewhere…. 2 YEARS because I refuse to buy from amazon). San Lang (specifically referring to hcg’s form in volume 1 or season 1) is definitely slightly more aloof and energetic than hcg in his real form, so I do believe that his adaptation in season 1 was a lot more true to the source than season 2 seems to be.

My personal opinion is that, we need to view the donghua with a little more leniency as they have limits to the scenes they will be adapting later on (if the donghua doesn’t get dropped. Let us all pray together) and they have to make some things a little more obvious (but still no homo) to keep as much of the gay factor as they can without getting, you know, arrested. At the end of the day, it comes down to us what we prefer to consume and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with people preferring one over the other. It's valid to prefer hcg in the novels and it's valid to also enjoy hcg's donghua adaptation, even if he's different and not completely true to the OG material.

Now when it comes to the whole “making xl seem oblivious thing”…. The jury is still out on this one I’m afraid. This was the final scene of the latest episode meaning, we don’t actually know how they’re gonna adapt the following scenes and this could very heavily affect the way xl reacts from here on. An adaptation is just that and like mentioned before, the donghua team has to make decisions on how to adapt things due to censorship. And at the end of the day, I think this is an interesting take on xl’s character as one of the biggest parts of his character is how he struggles to accept love and care from other people so one can argue that… He actually is oblivious in this scene? Especially at this point in the story considering he’s known hcg for like, a week, 2 weeks max (do not quote me on that, I haven’t actually calculated, I am lazy. Point is, he hasn’t known him for very long at this point in time). And while I would for sure be a bit disappointed if he still is presented like this later on in the story, we’re still too early into it to criticise the donghua over this and future scenes that haven’t even been touched yet. It’s not in any way fair to base our opinions on the upcoming scenes on a singular 2 minute clip of Hualian’s interaction.

So, I have said my peace. Please remember that everything I’ve discussed is purely my opinion and not fact, so take this post with a grain of salt. I’d actually love to discuss this further with people so please send asks if you have anything to add!

(This is also another good post to read about the censorship stuff I talked about in this post. I like how this user phrased it.)

Once again, thank you for reading a (lengthy for once) ramble!

theNanamiSimp

[whatareyoudoingwithamaserati]

yessss, two friends showed me jennifers body a couple years ago! the movie deserves every single bit of hype it gets, i had so much fun, it was delicious!

(if you have more recs? 👀👀 I love literary/audio horror but ive been too... idk, scared? because i don't know what i like when it comes to visuals?)

LET’S GOOOOO!!! I put off watching Jennifer’s Body for so long because I was worried it would not live up to the hype but MAN was it worth it. They have been plaguing my thoughts ever since. I am especially a massive fan of the costume design because they NAILED that shit!!

Admittedly I’m more into horror movies than novels (it is . So hard to read these days) and podcasts have never caught my fancy, but it would feel wrong to not recommend sign here by Claudia Lux and the ever infamous American psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. I actually haven’t finished American psycho because it is a dense read but my god it’s a beautiful masterpiece of a book and I did not expect it to be as hilarious as it is

Movie wise I tend to jump all over the place and watch whatever catches my fancy so this is. Not a very cohesive rec list and not full of very many older homoerotic movies but. I plan to watch more when I can

First and foremost I am an absolute die hard fan of house of 1000 corpses. I cannot put into words how much I love it in all of its weirdness. It was made by rob zombie of living dead girl fame and you can TELL in the best of ways. It’s got fun colour grading, excessive swearing, weird ass characters, and such a fun setting. I’d say it’s on the medium-heavy side of gore with a couple of body horror scenes and a good bit of blood and mutilation. The seocnd movie is good, third eh, but you don’t actually need to watch those two. They take the camp of the first movie and turn it into a more gritty realistic energy that is almost meanspirited in nature

I’m a HUGE cabin fever fan and I will recommend it at every chance I get, BUT! There is a caveat and that is that it is not only significantly gory but also that it is weird, campy, kitschy, and a real big fan of slurs, LOL. I think we hit several n-words, an r-word or two, and some use of faggot. Some of the later scenes are downright WEIRD but despite it all it is one of my favourite horrors with some really haunting scenes

Hellraiser in general is a wonderful franchise, I love Clive Barker’s choice to base the cenobites around a mix of BDSM and gay culture and how he characterizes pinhead, even if the later movies fuck it up a little. The 2022 standalone is a huge favourite in particular, I love the imagery and the cenobite redesigns that lean heavier into body horror as well as the cinematography. Jamie Clayton’s pinhead is fucking INCREDIBLE to boot

If you like erotic horror, X is definitely a good one to watch - the plot centres around sex workers determined to make an erotic film and make it big, with some immaculate commentary on desirability, beauty, and aging. Good bit of tits and ass in that one, as well as medium level gore. It also has two sequels, Pearl and MaXXXine, which are set in the past and future respectively. Pearl was secretly shot at the same time as X in the same location and focuses on the lust for fame, the need to make it big, and a youthful mania of sorts coming from Pearl. MaXXXine I haven’t actually seen yet so I cannot say much about it, but I hope to get to it soon!

The fear street trilogy is also a remarkably well done series that seamlessly covers one long tangled mystery throughout three different timelines, using the same handful of actors for each one! The use of setting and cinematography is so fuckint cool, the eventual mystery reveal is absolutely wild, and there’s even a canon queer relationship! The gore isn’t too bad, I’d say light but there are some moments that push it to a medium at best

Ready or Not is a movie I enjoy for a variety or reasons (I think the iconic shot of Grace in a ripped and bloody wedding dress is pretty big on the internet), from the setting to the storytelling to Samara Weaving’s fucking banshee screams, with medium-light gore (though the bits that do show up are impactful as all hell. Cabin in the Woods is fun as a deconstruction of the horror genre (and a story that theoretically makes every single horror movie made canon, wow), though it’s also just really fucking funny. Another medium gore!

Candyman 2021 is a brilliant take on an old legacy of movies (again, no previous ones need watching) with a wonderful exploration of gentrification, black trauma, and what makes the candyman the candyman. I know I keep talking about cinematography but holy fuck, the multimedia use in this film in particular. Immaculate. I feel practically obligated to recommend Deathgasm, which is an indie horror with some pretty wicked gore, if not just because the main characters are all metalheads, and as one myself, it’s SO COOL to see us as protags in a horror movie

Last but not least, Prey 2022. Holy fuck, Prey is an utter masterpiece. It’s the latest addition to the predator franchise, another one of those ones you don’t Need to have watched in order to watch prey, but havint seen them gives the watching experience a good bit more depth, with iconic lines being given a new spin. It’s technically a prequel to the first ever predator movie, focusing on one of the first few appearances of a predator on earth (ehhh debatable considering the canon of aliens vs predator but I’m ignoring that for the sake of conciseness), giving it more a more basic appearance and weapons, while also letting it kick absolute ASS. The plot is incredible, the cinematography is incredible, the CGI animals are so much better than ever expected, and it’s also the first ever feature length film to ever have an official Comanche dub!!! Holy fuck!!

As a bonus, though I haven’t seen it, Doctor Sleep also seems like a really well done movie! It’s based off of the Stephen King book set after the shining, reprising and revisiting a lot of iconic moments to tell a new story with fucking incredible visuals that put their own spin on the shining

[tailsbeth-writes]

ok here's my ficlet friday prompt 💚

‘I felt seen, for the first time.’ RWRB firstprince of liam/pez

sending u lots of luv as well 💚💚💚💚💚

Read on Ao3 🌈

Percy wasn’t one to sit in the corner at parties, he was likely to be hitting the dancefloor or even tending the bar when he felt like it. He makes a mean pornstar martini if he did say so himself. But tonight he finds himself cosy on a sofa, his hand is covered by a rough one. He smiles as Liam plays with the rings that adorn his hands. He can’t help but snuggle in at Liam’s neck, the musky mix of leathery cologne and sweat is somehow making him feel feral and calm all at the same time. 

‘Why do I get the feeling you’re usually more like that?’ Liam nods over to the middle of the lounge, furniture has been moved out the way for a makeshift dance floor. Alex and Nora are attempting the dance from the Troye Sivan ‘Rush’ music video and Alex’s law school buddies are cheering them on. 

Percy chuckles and takes a sip of his red wine.

‘Of course. For one, I was the one who connected Troye and his choreographer.’

Liam blinks over and over before turning his gaze directly to Percy. 

‘Hold up, you know Troye Sivan?’

‘Why yes, my sweet little Texan. We go way back.’

Liam’s cheeks tint with speckles of pink and Percy grins. Liam takes a sip of beer and Percy might stare at his long neck as he swallows. What? He is an appreciator of beauty. 

‘I can’t imagine you as being anything but this fully formed, fabulous being.’ 

‘Well my mother swears I strutted out the womb.’ 

Liam rolls his eyes and elbows Percy’s side, Percy links his fingers through Liam’s.

‘I was never told I had to be a certain way. Not like Henry, or even Alex when you think about it. But that could be lonely at times.’ 

Liam hums in agreement, Percy doesn’t have the full picture but he’s heard things from Alex. He knows Liam understands that. 

‘I think that’s why me and Henry became mates. We recognised that loneliness in each other. We might have been othered for very different reasons, being the only black kid in the year…’

Liam lets out a breathy whistle. 

‘Henry was constantly on guard, bless him. We got paired together for projects, we both knew what was happening. But overtime we started to see we actually had more in common than our obvious otherness. When he walked in on me trying eyeliner out, he said I looked like Bowie. And bizarrely, I felt seen, for the first time. It wasn’t “Oh you know that Percy, he’s so creative” or “Leave him be”. Henry understood my queerness and didn’t question it.’

Liam nods and smiles. His hand squeezes Percy’s and Percy bites his lip. He was never one for deep meaningful confessions, or at least not being the one confessing them. His eyes feel glassy, he finishes the last of his wine. 

‘Thank you for sharing with me. I know it’s not easy.’ 

Percy notices the glance Liam makes to the dance floor, right at Alex. That’s a deep meaningful conversation for another day. For now, they sit and soak in the moment, together.

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

QTA: Together

Hello! It's the time of year again where teachers talk about what to do in case of a school shooting, which is a big trigger for my anxiety, and when I'm anxious I like to project on Virgil, so I was wondering if you could do something with that — maybe in the homophobia ft. queer teacher alliance universe because that one already has the right set up. Sorry for rambling, and as always: I love your writing and feel free to ignore this. – anon

Read on Ao3

Warnings: discussion of school shootings

Pairings: none

Word Count: 2702

    Sometimes, there are things that surprise Virgil with how much they make him freak out. These can come in the whoa-didn't-know-that-was-a-trigger variety, the holy-shit-wasn't-expecting-that variety, and the for-fuck's-sake-how-are-you-people-this-awful variety. Unfortunately, lately, most of the things have been that third kind, because this is high school and apparently pretty much everyone else got the 'we're gonna be racist, homophobic, and otherwise bigoted now' memo and Virgil was skipped.

Sometimes, though, he knows exactly what's going to set off his…everything, and boy howdy, is today no exception.

Mr. Everheart gathers them all in right before classes start and Virgil can just tell that something's about to go horribly for him. It's a skill, honestly, something he's honed over the past few years of having his brain be an absolute nonsense machine that insists on being a shit. Mr. Everheart clicks a few things on his computer before he wheels his chair out to speak to them and yep, oh no, shit's about to go down.

"I won't keep you for long," he starts, and his voice is serious enough to make even the most rambunctious kids from interrupting, "but I've been informed that the next topic I have to discuss in these little homeroom talks is what to do in the event of a school shooting."

The room goes dead quiet.

Ooh, bad choice of words.

The room goes awfully quiet. Virgil swears he can feel the temperature drop a few degrees. He risks a quick glance around and sees that everyone's looking at Mr. Everheart, even though a few of them are still on their phones under the table. Across the room, he sees two of them reach out and hold onto each other, another few shuffling closer to each other as if the proximity will help keep the worst of it at bay.

It won't, his brain whispers, you know it won't.

Shut the fuck up, you.

While he's scolding his brain for being rude, he realizes he's missed a good part of Mr. Everheart's talk. A sinking feeling takes hold of his stomach when he tunes back in to realize that he doesn't need to have listened this time; it's exactly the same one they had last year. Some hysterical part of him wants to laugh; how rote have these fucking tragedies become that it's now rote? Like it's something to be read off like a fucking lesson plan, like it's something they just do now, just casually prepare for one of the worst things that can happen in a school, just accept that one day they all might walk in and not all walk out?

He squeezes the keychain on his backpack a little tighter and takes a shuddering breath.

"Mr. Everheart?"

Virgil looks up as Lily raises her hand. Mr. Everheart nods. "Yes, kiddo?"

"How likely do you think it is that a shooting will happen in our school?"

They all turn to look at him expectantly. He taps his fingers against his knuckles where his hands are folded in his lap. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "I made a promise to you, didn't I, when these homeroom talks started?"

"Yes, Mr. Everheart."

"And that was that I would never lie to you, even if the curriculums tell me to say something different, I will do my best to be completely and totally honest with you."

The air conditioning hums and rattles in the background.

"I don't know, Lily," Mr. Everheart says after another moment, "I'd like to say I do. That I could read you some statistics and put your minds at ease, that I could say with confidence that I know that none of our students would ever do something like that, but…"

His voice cracks slightly on the last word and to Virgil's horror, he can see him hold back tears. A few other students aren't so lucky and sniffles come from the corners of the room.

"I don't have an answer for you," he says and it's the best and worst thing he could have said, "I'm sorry, Lily."

Lily shakes her head. "No, thank you, Mr. Everheart."

A small chorus of thank you, Mr. Everheart goes up around the room and Virgil watches his face crumple for a moment before manages to smile again. He frowns, wondering why it took him a moment, before the horrifying truth crosses his mind and he almost gags from the sudden sickness in his stomach.

In a school shooting, the teachers are prepared to die for the students. Mr. Everheart just had his homeroom thank him for being ready to die for them.

Holy fucking shit.

It's hard for him to tell who breaks first but then Virgil blinks and half a dozen students are up out of their chairs and hugging Mr. Everheart. He gets up with everyone else, crowding around to just be like I'm here, I'm with you, thank you, I'm sorry, I'm scared too, will you be scared with me? The horrible air conditioning buzzes and a few people sniffle and everybody just stays quiet until they feel like they're not about to be forgotten the moment they pull away.

"You're all wonderful," he hears Mr. Everheart manage, his voice slightly too thick, "you're all such wonderful people."

"You too, Mr. Everheart."

"You're the best homeroom teacher ever."

Please, they're all saying to each other without the right words, please don't die for me, I couldn't take it.

The bell rings a few moments later and regretfully they all pull away, swiping tissues from tissue boxes and patting shaking shoulders. Mr. Everheart ruffles hair and gets in one last hug here and there before sending them all off to class. Virgil manages to make it through the hallway without having a breakdown and all but collapses into his seat in the next classroom. His hands are still trembling.

For better or worse, it seems like the whole school is getting the school shooting talk today, because no one puts a fucking toe out of line for the rest of the day. There aren't any bullies or homophobes or anything, not even when things come up in class or he sees a few of them shooting looks at him. But nothing comes of it; he offers an awkward wave and they just nod back. Someone accidentally slams a locker and everyone in the hall flinches. A chip bag pops and the student next to Virgil starts crying. He sees one of his teachers pull their phone out and explain their saved information to a student who starts to make their own list. The buzz never leaves its place just under Virgil's skin and he drifts through the school.

Three days later, they have a drill.

He's out in the hallway. He's not supposed to be out in the hallway. He's supposed to be in class. But he had to use the bathroom. Now he's in the hallway. His classroom is on the other side of the school. The locks start buzzing all around him. The doors are locking. He can't get inside. He can't run. They'll think he's a shooter. He can't bang on the door. He can't get in. What if the shooter finds him?

"Virgil!"

He turns. Mr. Mackenzie waves at him. Mr. Mackenzie's door is still open. It's Mr. Mackenzie.

"Come on!"

Virgil blinks. He's inside Mr. Mackenzie's classroom. The door closes. The lock buzzes. He's huddled on the ground behind the desk away from the door. Mr. Mackenzie does something and then he's right next to him. Mr. Mackenzie is safe, right? He's been kind to him, he's been nice, he hasn't minded when Virgil gets all messy and upset, he's—he's good, he's fine, he's—he's—

"Shh," Mr. Mackenzie murmurs, his voice pitched low and his hands quiet in front of him, "it's alright, Virgil, you're alright. Can you look at me?"

Virgil looks up. His chest hurts. Why does his chest hurt?

"You're having an attack, Virgil," he says in that low, soothing voice again, "that's it, stay with me, now."

"I'm s—I'm so—"

"Shh, shh, don't apologize, it's alright, you've not done something wrong." To his horror, he feels tears start to well up and Mr. Mackenzie lets out a sympathetic noise. "What do you need, Virgil?"

"I can't—can't feel my hands."

"Here," and Mr. Mackenzie offers him a small teddy bear cold pack, filled with beads, "squeeze this, try and move the beads around. The feeling will start to come back."

Virgil looks at it blankly.

"Can you squeeze the bear's ear for me?"

Fingers that should be Virgil's that don't quite feel like they belong to him move to the black outline of the bear's ear and squeeze. The light brown beads move away from the pressure. One of them gets a little stuck and pops out later.

"Very good. What about his nose?"

The fingers move to the bear's nose and squeeze. It's in the center of the cold pack, so there are more beads that have to move out of the way. A few of them bump into the fingers. The top of the pack bulges out a little bit from so many beads filling it up.

"Excellent. Can you squeeze his left eye?"

The bear's eyes are closed. Why are his eyes closed? Is it dead?

"Stay with me, Virgil, squeeze the bear's left eye."

He moves his hands and squeezes. The beads squish together and move under his fingers. He does it again, watching them move around. And again, just to feel it on his other hand. Then his hands start to hurt, probably because he couldn't feel them for a long time, and he keeps going, pressing and squeezing parts of the bear's face. Belatedly, he realizes he's not following Mr. Mackenzie's instructions anymore and he looks up, only for Mr. Mackenzie to smile and shake his head.

"Go on, it's alright. That's what it's for."

He looks back down at the bear. He squeezes his ears, his nose, his eyes, his mouth. The bear is smiling with his eyes closed, maybe he's happy. He looks a bit like a children's book character. What's the last children's book he read? Was it one with a bear? Probably not. He did see a kid's cartoon show with a bear in it though. That bear was light brown too, just like this one. Did it wear a hat? Why does he have a memory of a bear wearing a hat?

He lets himself follow the train of thought through a weird fever-dream-like memory of a show he used to watch—or at least, a show he thinks he used to watch, until his hands aren't as sore anymore and he can take a deep breath without his chest feeling like it's going to explode. He lets his head tip back to rest against the wall, taking one big breath after another. After a moment, he feels the cold pack start to slip out of his hands and he sits back up. Mr. Mackenzie is still crouched in front of him, watching him carefully, but he smiles when Virgil manages to look up at him again.

"There," he murmurs, voice still barely louder than a whisper, "that seems like it's better, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

"Of course, Virgil." He glances to his left—the door, that's where the door is—and comes to sit on Virgil's right.

Between him and the door.

Right.

Right.

"Hey," Mr. Mackenzie whispers, "stay with me, now."

"I'm here, I'm here." He shifts to ease a cramp in his leg. "How, uh, how long has it been?"

"About five to ten minutes."

"How much longer will this take?"

"I don't know."

He looks around the science classroom. Beakers stand on the side, ready to be cleaned. Three measuring cylinders still have a solution in them. One of the sinks has a thermometer balanced on the very edge. Several desks have bunsen burners set up in the middle, ready to go. Mr. Mackenzie's lab coat is still hung neatly over the back of his chair.

This should be a normal classroom. There should be students in here, messing about when they think Mr. Mackenzie isn't looking. There should be some people taking notes and some people playing with the spare test tubes. There should be someone miming pulling the emergency shower only to be cowed by a single raised eyebrow. There should be some people freaking out about open flame in a school and Mr. Mackenzie should be assuring them that it's perfectly safe, that he's taught them all how to deal with it and do experiments safely. There should be one time where someone turns the gas tap on a little too much and there's a moment of panic before calm is restored. There should be bad jokes and dramatic groans and the general hubbub of students learning in a school where that's all they're supposed to do.

But instead, the sink drips thunderously in a silent room and the only people here are him and Mr. Mackenzie.

"How are we supposed to do this?"

"Hm?"

"This," Virgil whispers, gesturing between them, the bear hanging lifelessly from his fingers, "how—how are we supposed to focus on learning like this?"

Mr. Mackenzie sighs, and it's the same weight as Mr. Everheart's was too. "I wish I had an answer for you."

"The counselor keeps saying that we just need to be smart and keep an eye out for each other," Virgil continues, "but how are we supposed to do that when we're so scared all the time?"

The bear twitches in his hands.

"I'm so scared," he admits, bringing it back to his chest and squeezing it again, "I'm so scared all the time. Do you have any idea how tiring that is? I'm supposed to—I'm not supposed to be scared for my life every time I want to go to the bathroom, I'm not supposed to know how to text like, 20 people my emergency info in three seconds, I'm not supposed to have a list of who I'm ready to die for."

Mr. Mackenzie is quiet for a long moment. Then he shifts and turns to look down at him, a solemn expression on his face. "I'm sorry, Virgil, I wish…I wish I could say something to make this better."

"Having you say it sucks helps too."

He huffs a small laugh. "It does suck. It's an awful situation, Virgil. It shouldn't be like this. And I'm sorry I can't fix it."

Virgil scoffs, leaning against the wall. "You can't be expected to fix this whole fucking mess by yourself."

"I suppose I'm not used to that either." He leans back too. "I'm used to being able to have an answer for everything in here, I have to be. When I have students handling dangerous things like open flame, or corrosive chemicals, I have to have an answer. But I can't have an answer for this."

The sink keeps dripping.

"My apologies," he murmurs after a moment, "it's not your responsibility to deal with my own emotional troubles."

"No, that was—it helps to know I'm not alone in feeling totally helpless, you know? So, thanks. It, um, it made me feel a bit better."

Mr. Mackenzie looks over and smiles at him. After a moment, he raises his arm and Virgil scoots close enough for him to lean against his side. He's given a gentle squeeze side hug and let go again, but they stay sitting close to each other.

We're here, they say to each other, I see you. I'm with you. We'll get through this, together.

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