#but i DO want it!!! and thats enough to justify it existing :3

[peachcott]

[ store ] 🌱 october update ❥ new: ↳ houseplant charms

❥ bg3 merch added!! ↳ astarion sticker sheet 🔪🩸 ↳ origin companion tamagotchi charms ↳ us charm 🧠(self indulgent) ↳ portrait prints

🌱 SHOP 🌱 ‪peachcott.bigcartel.com‬ you can use code BITING for 10% off for the rest of october!! i hope you find something you like :D

[definitelynotshouting]

context: ik most of my asks are pretty disorganized, stream of consciousness type of thing but GEEZ this got out of hand. you know that thing cats do when they bring you a dead mouse and *they're* super proud of it and you're just like dude.. why /lh

i usually put whatever my immediate thoughts are after reading the chapter and this time i thought it might be fun to write it out before. can you tell im running on five hours of sleep?? lmk if this made any coherent sense because even i dont understand it!!

so last chapter ripped my heartt out and stomped on it. i am LIVING for the way this whole thing was written, gorgeous prose as always <3. i was very curious as to wether Mumbo would question Grian but i think him NOT doing that was SO in character, and i adore it. I feel like w/ some fics (my own writing included) Scar is the ONLY one Grian relies on for support (in ANY area), and whenever Mumbo is even in the picture, he's just kinda "there", he doesn't check up on Grian or broach the topic of whatever is currently plaguing our little bird guy (basically, he's not involved in Grian's life despite being "his best friend"). And the way you characterized him was just So Real?? I would wager a guess (correct me if im wrong ofc) that part of it is that he just DOESNT know, (because Grian is oh so good at telling half truths and privately justifying his self sabotage) but a part of it is also him being lowkey willfully ignorant. he doesnt WANT Grian to be sick (mentally or otherwise) but definetly knows that SOMETHING is up. he really WANTS to help fix whatever is going on (evident by the gold farm) but he doesnt know what Grian needs or how to help him.

i have been OBSESSING over how Grian saying goodnight to Mumbo was ACTUALLY his goodbye to him but Mumbo DOESNT KNOW AND ITS EATING ME ALIVE. (also thought it was super interesting how Grian sort of took Mumbo leaving to sleep as "permission" to do the deed)

side ish note: how tf does Grian even plan to do that?? ik he's got the spider eyes and i *think* he's planning to turn the healing potions into weakness potions but like?? how is he going to do that??? i would assume that the gang would be watching the potions AS they were brewing, and even if they weren't, healing potions and weakness potions are.... vastly different colors. (unless im mixing them up with something else). also aren't they going to walk in on him prepping or already being in the middle of it and just save him like last time? the team as a whole has done a pretty good job on keeping an eye on Grian (from just a "this person can't walk" standpoint) so far. is he waiting for a chance when everyone is busy or does he plan to use MORE weakness potions to make it stronger or quicker?? im interested to see if he's even going to follow The Plan, because up until this point he's been pretty careful with trying to make plans and sneak around EXCEPT for the spider eyes basement adventure, which makes me wonder is he'll get more frantic/desperate as the appointed time draws closer.

Real talk though, Mumbo (and everyone else) is going to be beating himself up over not noticing when stuff goes down (which i would assume would be next chapter, but idk). Also, the fact that Grian asked him to stay means A LOT. To me (and idk if this is what you meant to convey) that signals that a part of him WANTS to stay. theres a part of him that wants to continue to experience the comfort and joy he gets from his friends, but he feels like he's only going to continue to hurt them, so to him this is the ONLY option to keep them safe. also the majority of his existence is just misery and pain so thats probably not helping. (PLUS the whole slew of mental health issues, this is not purely self sacrificial).

anyway, i LOVED this chapter as always, it was like chicken noodle soup for my overworked little soul and i savored every bit of it!! (also, no need to apologize for not having enough spoons!! i dont have any chronic illnesses but i know that shit sucks. this is a particularly long ask for me so dont feel compelled to answer everything in it, or answer right away. hope ur doing well <3)

-🐛

BUG ANONNNN THIS COMMENT IS SO SWEET AND I LOVED READING IT OMGGGG

you hit the nail exactly on the head for where im going with mumbo's characterization-- there is 100% a level of willful ignorance there. Ive always felt like mumbo is the kind of guy who has a thing about avoidance-- he feels very much like a character who will absolutely do his best to ignore things that hes decided arent his business (right up until he stops LMFAO) and part of that in hunger au is him being so anxious for grian to get better that he stops looking at the red flags grian is aggressively waving around. It'll work out!! He's sure of it!! Grian even directly said he's trying to get better!! And i think if he looked at that for longer than it takes for him to flinch away from the entire subject, he would see how much of a bald lie that is.

But he doesnt, because thats a LOT to deal with, and hes never really??? Seen this side of Grian before??? Not the way Pearl and Scar have. Theres a lot of intricacy there that i feel im skimming over but like Mumbo is very much keeping his own sanity in mind here too and thats another painful factor to the whole situation. Idk i have lots of thoughts about it and about the choice here to depict Mumbo giving in to that willful ignorance, and how its going to affect his and Grian's relationship in the future of the fic

(Quick tw for frank discussions of suicide below)

You've also completely nailed the subtext i was getting at with Grian asking Mumbo to stay-- smth ive always felt is a bit underrepresented in narratives like these are how at its most base core, suicide and suicidal ideation are often about needing something to fundamentally change in your life. It takes a LOT of both hopelessness and sheer willpower to actively try and overcome your body's instinctive will to survive. That instinct is baked into our very cells; when someone commits, it means their hopelessness for meaningful change to happen in their lives was so strong it overpowered everything else. And that is something deeply, deeply tragic, and also something i really wanted to respectfully highlight in this portrayal-- how bad things are when you spiral that far. Grian is starving to death. He wasnt lying about maybe having a week to live-- the intermittent feeding has kept him alive longer than anticipated, but its like trying to wall off an avalanche; theres only so much you can do in the face of all that :( and that hopelessness, in combination with how guilty he feels for what he did to his friends, has manifested in him feeling like his only recourse is to kill himself... but at the same time, that instinct to survive and KEEP SURVIVING is still blaring in his veins, and that manifests as him asking Mumbo to stay. Its a bit paradoxical, but its meant to really show how bad his mental state is, that he is willfully ignoring all the frantic signals his body is screaming at him to try and stay alive rn 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Also, with the potions-- without revealing too much about how this is going to happen, Grian is planning on making fermented spider eyes and using them to turn the healing potions into harming potions, which he'll then drink in the in-between to make sure he dies immediately. Now.. i know how this is gonna go, and i know the exact mechanics around how this is gonna shake out, but smth to keep in mind is hes not thinking logically anymore, he has FULLY capitulated to his own storm of emotional wreckage. So yes there are DEFINITELY some questions to be asked about how hes gonna try and get this done, but in all honesty they mostly boil down to "sheer opportunity" which you'll see a bit more of in the next chapter >:] but yeah its meant to be a bit illogical skdbwkdjskd since he just isnt thinking coherently anymore at this point :(

Bug anon thank u for my entire life this comment was so sweet and so wonderful to receive, i really love it when my writing is analyzed like this and seen and understood!!! Its amazing its such a wonderful feeling to have your work be seen like this and its something i very much do not take for granted :]]]❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ tysm for the ask i am seriously treasuring it SO MUCH rn (and also thank you for the well-wishes!! Im doing my best to stay silly out here HEHE)❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[battleangel]

I Am Not My Hair

What actually happens if I shave my head bald?

Why cant I see what I look like without hair?

Why do I have to be sick or have cancer or be dying?

Why am I not allowed as a woman to just shave my head?

Why do I need a reason, a justification, an explanation?

Why do I have to justify being hairless?

Why are people acting like Im dying and have cancer just because Im bald?

Nothing happens. Thats the gag.

Youve been taught to fear.

Its just my bald head. Why is that forbidden?

Verboten?

Why cant I ever see what my actual head looks like without all this hair on it?

Why cant I see what my face looks like without it constantly being surrounded by hair?

What if I like being bald?

What if I like not spending $1200+ a year on my hair?

What if I like not styling my hair?

What if I like not doing anything with my hair other than cutting it super short, about an inch or two, every few months?

Why does it threaten people for a woman not to care about her hair?

I dont want to go to a hair salon or barbershop.

I dont want to go back to an afro.

I dont want locs or dreads.

I dont want shaved sides, I already did that last year.

I dont want corn rows or bantu knots, Ive done that too.

I dont want to grow it out.

I dont want a $500 lace front wig.

I dont want a wig professionally installed by a stylist every 2 to 3 months.

I dont want to wash or brush my hair.

I dont want to put any products in my hair.

Why is it a sin for a black woman to not want to grow her hair out?

I dont want my "long beautiful" hair back.

I dont want it halfway down my back again.

I dont want it to my waist again.

I dont want to relax it again -- there are lawsuits against Loreal, black women who used Just For Me and other chemical relaxers to straighten their hair are being diagnosed with cancer, inferitility and fibroids.

The chemicals in a relaxer are strong enough to break down and destroy the natural texture of your curly coiled kinks and force it to be straight -- those same chemicals are also strong enough to literally peel paint off of cars -- why are you putting this directly on your scalp for an hour plus every 2 to 3 months from the time you are a pre-teen or in high school until adulthood, for decades, and thinking that there wont be health issues?

They target products to Black women that kill them.

Remember the little Black girls that sang the R&B pop jingle in the Just For Me commercial?

"Just for me...hair so healthy, silky and free."

Who was that song for?

This was the 90s and there were multiple Black girl groups back then -- TLC, 702, Blaque, Xscape, Jade, Total, MoKenStef, etc. -- they wanted to get us while we were young so we would keep using their products until adulthood. 

I got my first perm, I am 4C, at 11. I was so glad my mother stopped burning me with the hot comb that she had tortured me with since I was 5. Anything was better than that as I had a very sensitive scalp or "tenderheaded" as it is called in our community.

I couldnt wait to go to Touch of Magic salon where my older sister already had her long, silky hair. I was tired of being tortured by a hot ass comb that was constantlu burning my fucking scalp and I was tired of being told to "sit still" while my scalp was being fucking burned. I couldnt wait for the Revlon Fabulaxer so the dreaded golden hot comb could be forever banished from my existence.

From 11 to 34, 23 years, I faithfully got  a relaxer at the salon every 2 to 3 months. It was about $120+ (relaxer, deep condition, style, split ends, color, etc.). Over the years, that fucking adds up, over $100k I spent on my hair. Even when I went natural at 34, my 4c hair is extremely thick, kinky, nappy, unruly and very difficult to deal with. People have literally broken combs trying to comb through it. Needless to say, I couldnt manage anything myself but a wash and go so I spent thousands at the salon as a 4c natural on Senegalese twists, box braids, Bantu knots, corn rows, twist outs, twist updos and flat twists. 

Then I shaved my sides and cut my hair super short and started going to barber shops but I was dyeing it fuschia back then so my hair was still costing me money.

Then last year, I finally just grabbed kitchen scissors out of my kitchen and hacked it myself and decided I was never going to go back to a salon or barbershop.

I was going to cut my hair with kitchen scissors myself every 2 to 3 months. I do like different looks so I have five cheap synthetic shitty wigs that are different colors (blue, blonde, green, black). Depending on the lewk and fit, either I just wear my hair natural and short or I slap a wig on.

But thats it. No maintenance, no upkedp, no hair care routines, no wasting away a Saturday at a salon, no barbershops, no wash and gos, no 15 hour sessions getting braided extensions. 

Just literally cutting it with kitchen scissors every 2 to 3 months and slapping on a cheap shitty wig whenever I have a certain fit or lewk and thats it.

Then in August, I decided to shave my head bald. I didnt want even a few inches of hair anymore so I grabbed my husbands razor and shaved it. Didnt go to a barbershop or stylist. Had no idea how to even use the razor and just shaved it all off in under 10 minutes. I loved the bald look especially with thick ass winged liquid eyeliner, bold dramatic eyeshadow and colorful lipstick.

I have a few inches of growth that in a month or two, I will grab the kitchen scissors again and cut my hair down to an inch or two. Ill do that every few months. I love it bald but even shaving my head on a regular basis is more time than I choose to devote to my hair. Cutting it with scissors to an inch or two every 2 to 3 months is my absolute limit.

As a woman, thats not allowed.

Especially as a Black woman.

And I was raised by a Southern Baptist fundamentalist, so forget about it.

You have to obsess over your hair, products, styling, color, length, look, appearance, texture, curl pattern, thickness, volume, care routines, pre poo, deep conditoning, tea tree oil, diffusing, texturizing, blow out, straightening, relaxing, lace front wig installations, weaves, kanekalon, bundles, braids, twists, locs, dreads, corn rows, bantu knots...

You cant just not do your hair!

Only you can. Because thats exactly what I do.

Even as a Black woman and we are brainwashed to be absolutely obsessed with our hair.

Go back and look at the hysteria India Arie caused when she shaved her "beautiful curls".

Just like India Arie, I am not my hair.

[jusst-you-race]

first of I really appreciate that you were transparent in the tags of condominium about how some ships may not appear a lot and you chose to not tag them because of it!!! a lot of smaller ship tags tend to get overrun with fics that barely feature them which is very frustrating for those looking for fics featuring them 🫶

anyway, I was wondering, there are a handful of ships I would say that are kinda semi set up for more as it stands (specifically thinking of zhottas, pierresteban, haasbands)? 👀do you have any plans for any of them? no pressure if not and also understand if you don't want to spoil anything or just not give anything away!! but if you do have thoughts on them you want to share I would love to hear them!!!!! everyone is here to see the main ships obviously so dont feel pressured about adding you dont want either :))

(and also dont feel like you have to answer the ask at all if you just dont care about the side ships or something or feel uncomfortable and have nothing planned for them. just if you want I'd love to hear it!! okay thats all before I ramble too close to the sun haha)

wowowow thank you! I’m also going to ramble a bit on this one honestly because it is something that I have thought about a lot and gone back and forth on a little bit!!! this got really long so under the cut it goes

firstly, as someone that will ship anyone and anything, I would hate to clog up a relationship tag for a rarer pairing when they only feature in a couple of offhand sentences or something. I was going crazy trying to find haasband fics where they weren’t the most minor side pairing and it was driving me insane! so I’m trying to avoid that! I hadn’t originally tagged strollonso for this reason, but I love them too much to not keep including them and I feel like they’re featured enough (and will be featured enough in the future) to justify tagging them.

in terms of other pairings, I might slap a yukierre heads up in just the general tags, as they are currently happily dating but won’t feature too much just because I don’t feel like I can do their dynamic justice as much… pierresteban will stay as neighbours with unnecessary beef because I just think that’s funny (as much as I do love pierresteban as a pairing)

I have also thought about other ships, but either these are not super set in stone, or I have plans but I don’t want to reveal them just yet (there is Something going on with haasbands… but I won’t say exactly what that is yet!). Zhottas is one that sort of exists as a nebulous possibility that I’m kind of just seeing where it goes. (but also I think it could be fun if they’re just unconventional besties… they go shopping together and get high tea after type of thing… Valtteri has one of those cat back packs that he takes Sweet Corn on adventures in… etc etc)

i am very much writing this as I go because this genuinely started as just a silly little thing to write for fun and I still can’t really believe how many people are on board with it… eternally grateful <3 I have been sticking to the drivers and dynamics that I’m the most familiar with, and as much as I would love to give absolutely everyone their own unique in depth plot line, I do think that would get slightly overwhelming to read! gotta have some more background characters just to balance it out

thank you for the ask!!! I hope this was somewhat useful information lmao <3

[equarretedddd]

my headcanons and ideas regarding the backstory and the families of Abigail, Charles and Dick’s work trio (ive been thinking about this idea since 2021 andd now i want to complete it to the end lmao)

-

ABIGAIL

i see her childhood as rather unremarkable and ordinary.

she could live in some farm or country surrounded by warm wind and fields of wheat ears. she had a full family of father, mother and several siblings (presumably brothers). i assume that Abi noticeably lacked female maternal care and warmth, because her mother, although she could be quite caring and loving, was chained by some complex chronic disease that took a lot of time and effort. Abigail could often be surrounded by a male family side in the form of a father and brothers who could make fun of her sometimes, but nevertheless be an important part of her life (they would stand up for her and she would stand up for them too). her father could be quite a serious and strict person (maybe hes a cop i havent decided yet!), but Abi had a support and a role model, whom she could rely on and from whom she could feel moral support and understanding.

i see Abi’s rise up the career ladder as quite gradual and smooth. from an amateur family interest in music, she began to be interested in this on a more conscious level, that is, studying at the conservatory, time-consuming work and possibly establishing partnerships with other people.

-

2. DICK

i see his childhood as quite poor and not particularly enviable, maybe he was from an immigrant family where there was barely enough to pay the bills.

however, he was a pretty capable kid who was open to develop! he was quite willing to reach for knowledge and skills, tried to be interested in many things and dreamed of becoming successful, i actively see him as a geek and a technician! but perhaps, he was not particularly supported and helped in this, he had to resort to various kinds of offenses, he could just get used to it and consider it the only working way out (this does not justify him ikr hahaha).

nevertheless, he was insanely oppressed by his social status, he felt like an unaccepted and rejected outcast who would be shunned all his life. i guess thats how he got close to a successful career, getting involved with crime and mistreatment of people, because it WORKED. he looks like a man who seems to be boasted of his success, like "look at me im rich and i have achieved everything i wear in vulgar glamour clothes and hang out with hot girls and rich guys", but in fact he just went head over heels from the inability to cope with everything piled on him and the the cult of success and achievement gradually deprived him of humanity.

-

3. CHARLES

btw i really like the theory that he is somehow related to Salacia, i hope that something will be told about it! but i will try to push off from something else.

Charles himself looks like a person who… had been ready ALL his life for his purpose and responsibilities to be responsible for other people's lives (it concerns not only Dethklok because he literally holds the global economy and is responsible for almost half of the things that are related to the world situation). i see him as the son of a wealthy family with a very large family tree (cmon he fenced in college). he probably did a lot of things in his childhood that related to weapon control, self-defense and protection (this is even if we dont talk abt legal, economic, managerial, social and other shit that he had to deal with).

i literally see him as an indigo child who obviously always knew what he needed to do and he aspired to it through blood, tears and sweat. probably, he did not see any other way out and did not imagine what could be an alternative to this, although perhaps he was faced with a strong identity crisis when he did not understand why he was doing all this and whether this was really the essence of his existence, bcs, probably, others actively pushed participated in Charles' achievements and prospects. in general it was as if his entire subsequent life was built for him from the very beginning.

[thekidsarentalright]

Hii! I have some hot and cold takes to sharee. Hope you are still doing that, I don't want to be annoying

1. FOB making literally no shows in LatAm let a bad taste on my mouth. They come only for festivals, and I bet that they have enough public here to play a solo show, at least at the capitals/biggest cities. Probably it lies more on fault of their label, but anyway.

2. Use what Joe said in his book to hate on Mania is disingenuous, since he said similar things about other albums too (IOH comes to mind)

3. TTTYG is not very unique? Like, putting it above most of FOB albums is weird to me, since it's mostly a very standard pop punk album (don't get me wrong, I love this baby made of teenboy rage, but anyway)

4. EOWYG is genuinely bad. Theres literally one of two good songs.

5. Suggesting that a band should break up because you did not like their most recent material is weird, I am sorry. Like, if you don't like it, DONT LISTEN??? And for me, is even worse when it's about FOB, since they are very vocal about how much they like to work, tour and just generally hang out together.

6. The Hush Sound was the best band Pete signed, bless Ryro for sending that link for Pete.

7. Speaking about Ryro, he and Pete have the most intersting relationship from all the relationships between Pete and other band dudes, at least for me

Thats it, thank you for reading <3 I hope its not the worst opinions ever.

def still doing it and not annoying at all, thank you for sharing!!!!

i absolutely agree with this like. while i’m sure it isn’t Their faults personally that they aren’t touring in latam, i’m sure there’s a lot that goes into it that i dont even know about that really doesn’t change that it Is shitty that they aren’t touring anywhere there like. idk if artists like paramore and taylor swift etc can do it i’m sure they could too :/ and i can only hope that Sometime Soon they do

yeah definitely!! his feelings on their albums are honestly probably a lot more complex and nuanced than we could imagine and just using him voicing his thoughts on a project as a way to justify not liking something yourself is kinda shitty!

i have alwayssss felt this way about tttyg (and tbh about eowyg too which will go into my response to the next one fjdnfk), like it shows Promise and isn’t Bad but it also isn’t unique like other fob albums are necessarily. it was a good start but like. they just got better w every album imo

i definitely dont think eowyg as it exists is good either yeahfjrjfndk like i said before. and i think in an ask yday. it has a lot of promise and could easily be good w some tweaks but. isn’t really my thing fjrkfndk

literally if you dont like something and only have mean uninteresting things to say about it dont listen and dont talk about it LMAOOO dont go from i dont like this to well clearly the band should break up like. fob love touring and working together and clearly really love what they’re creating let them be…

tbh have never listened to the hush sound so i will take ur word for this one!!! ryan has good taste tho so im sure theyre good <3

tho i will be a peterick forever and ever i gotta agree pete and ryan are very interesting fr like… there was Some gay stuff going on there man…

[radioroxx]

GOOD AFTERNOON i only just saw your complicated characters post and a) YIPPPEEEE i love complicated characters also :]]] and b) the cool thing about uty in particular is that there - OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD - is no main character that does not do something stupid that could/did cause harm.

um. again. off the top of my head. you can explode me if im wrong 👍

i think ceroba makes a REALLY good parallel to toriel. she loved her husband and she loved her daughter and then things got FUCKED and her child Gave Themself Up leaving her only able to watch and feel so guilty because once it started there was no helping it.

cerboa was grieving and in a strange place of "my daughter is asking this of me she's Asking Me To Do This" and she's trying to do something for monsterkind because she raised a thoughtful wonderful daughter who cares and says "mommy, it's worth a try, right?" and of course it's worth a try and there's a fog in your head because you're grieving and your daughter is right here and she wants you to do something and then something goes wrong and you can feel it in the way the fog clears and it was a mistake and you've lost it ALL.

a mother's love indeed. anyway so how's your day?

OK HI

sorry every time i opened tumblr to answer this i saw something else and got distracted <3 uhm

BUT YES YES YES YOURE VERY CORRECT. i didnt even think about the parallel to toriel good looooord im so fucked. dead.

and!! also yes youre right about the!! EVERYONE has made at least one mistake and god. god

again it comes down to the thing i mentioned in the tags of that post, about being a ‘good’ person. or a good mother in that context. that these ideas of good and bad people cant really exist without some sort of bias or perspective.

ceroba made a shit ton of mistakes… she let her daughter give herself up, she betrayed her friends and tried to kill some other kid in hopes to save her own family. for all you can try to justify those actions and make reasons for them its undeniable that she DID still cause a lot of pain for a lot of people

so i think the question isnt really, is she still a good person? but rather, is she forgivable?

we know clover forgave her, and star and martlet. sooo maybe thats enough

[kzscarcadeau]

03/9/24

technically an update from yesterday but it’s 1 am right now lmao

Worked on some pages

Fixed some older design sheets

i have made a decision that sets me back quite a bit but it will save me a significant amount of time in the long run so i feel less bad about it

i restarted. again. i was going back to look at some old pages and there were quite a few weird continuity errors (ex. line sizing, line colours, character placement etc) that i just couldn’t fix because i get rid of the file as i finish them to save space. there’s also a bigger reason i wanted to, which is a problem ive run into several times while working on this project:

colour. i am so incredibly bad at picking colours for non-painted artworks that it’s embarrassing 🥲 i just can’t do it!! and it takes me so long and procreates fill bucket just doesn’t work properly so i’m doing 2 things:

- switching the comic to black and white

- going back to my drawing tablet and using krita as the art program

the reason why i used my ipad for so long was because i wanted to be able to work on it wherever i went, but procreate has so many setbacks that has wasted so much time that the portability isn’t enough to justify using the program. i cannot go as loosely as id like to be with my linework in procreate as i can on pc and the fill bucket never working is such a big reason why i’ve struggled to work consistently on this project. these changes will eliminate a large majority of my problems when i’m making this comic so there’s very little chance i end up restarting again. my only problems would just be hating my old art but what can you do 🤷‍♀️

not really update related, just kinda yapping utc

i used to care a lot about getting this comic out and making hype earlier into the project. thats what all creators usually go through. trying to push things out while they’re relevant so it gets more reach. after working on this comic for almost 3 years, im doing this more for me than for anything else. it’s so incredibly self indulgent that it already caters to a rather small demographic, and im fine with that. that’s how i’ve always worked. i did whatever i wanted and if people didn’t like it, i didn’t care. they can go find other media they like.

i used to be worried about not getting this comic out when this ship was super popular. not to say that it isn’t still, but there was a prime time and i was trying to get there within that time period. obviously that didn’t happen but whatever 🤷‍♀️ i’m taking the time to make sure i like what im doing with this project. who knows when i’ll finish it. but i want to make sure i do. just to say that i did it. this story has evolved and grown alongside me and i can’t wait for a day where i can put it out into the world. i’m okay with the possibility of my friends being the only readers. as long as it exists someday and im happy with what ive accomplished, i’m okay with the time ill need to get there.

[cloudjumpervalka]

brain thought stuff

so ive been doing weekly therapy again for the past couple months and as i mentioned before i love my therapist. shes my age and also trans so ? thats great. all my other therapists have been older women that made me explain what being trans/nb is over and over again despite labeling themselves as lgbt friendly therapists lmao

anyway like. im really discovering how ingrained my low self worth is into my brain bc it really did start with my earliest memories and just kept getting into more toxic situations

i was emotionally neglected growing up and bullied k-12 for a plethora of reasons. when i did get my first friendships/relationship, they were like. borderline abusive* (both my therapist and i are hesitant with this word)

i have years of feeling like my self worth is reliant on how unhealthy people view my usefulness to their life?

i need to like. learn how to find myself worthy of just existing. worthy of waking up and being able to, as my therapist said, "breathe, eat, and fuck"

it feels really weird too bc i have spent years feeling like a waste of a person and like. inheritely a horrible person who is too self absorbed to realize it. i know i have made mistakes and could have handled these situations better, but it doesnt define me as a person. i try every day to be a better person for myself and my loved ones and its always weird to hear "well an actually shitty person wouldnt care about getting better" bc i then trick myself into being im one of those assholes utilizing therapy talk to justify my shit behavior

idr why i started this lil vent but like. idk it feels like therapy is working this time. its helping me realize some things, its helping me learn how to not fall into the same patterns (my therapist said im like an addict that cant leave unhealthy situations) , learning where my values lie and how to pick those values out in other people

most importantly tho, shes having me try to not define myself as an artist but rather someone that makes art. i have so much fucked up brain layers over my self worth and it being tied to what i create, i was starting to have like mini breakdowns over not getting enough attention for my work, which shouldnt matter bc i should do work for myself.

ive gone back to sketching in a real sketchbook and not posting a lot of my work bc then i am doing it strictly for myself. but maybe ill post a sketch collection at a later date for fun.

i still want to work on "angelkin" project aka SERAPH. which is an art project i started a yearish ago that is a self biographical look at these most "toxic" relationships and the feelings of devotion/obsession with uh. spoilers: the 3 people in my life that threatened suicide to various degrees/reasons towards me. bigger spoilers, imagine this also being tied in to my own self worth being connected to how well i can be Everything to someone. hence the angel theming

eh whatever, i hope you enjoyed my ted talk bc my lunch break at work is over now LOL

[classicjdiesandgoestohell]

Extremely Unnecessarily Long Disjointed Ramble About My Identity

ive never felt happy with my queer identity at all. i know you dont need labels but being labeless wasnt freeing either, it never felt any better.. not any worse, but just the same feeling of ambivalence to my own existence.

one thing i never see discussed is the influence of community in how you describe yourself. this is so obvious, we talk about this with peer pressure and other personality traits, but its heavily affected my queer identity too. my sexuality has always been kinda fuzzy, ive been bouncing between being bi and lesbian and gay since the beginning of time, but between those 3 groups the appeal of the lesbian community was always so much higher. i liked the sense of closeness i never experienced in my trans/gay/bi identity, i liked how more trans inclusive it felt, my lesbian friends were always much more proud of their identities than other people, i liked the freedom of not being at all shackled to men. But i dont really know if lesbian fits my sexuality. no fucking clue. i just know socially id rather be a lesbian in social circles than anything else. i feel like an imposter almost. when i identify as bi i dont feel like an imposter, but im always really unhappy with the choice and feel like it doesnt accurately represent me at all. i dont feel like i relate to other bi people.

with my transness.. for 3 years i ID'd as a binary trans man. it never felt quite right, i felt like i didnt try hard enough to be a man, there were too many things i held onto from living as a girl that i didnt know if id ever want to let go. i switched to thinking of myself as nonbinary transmasc, not really at all connected to feminity but not strictly calling myself a man. this was alright but i always felt the indecisiveness of sometimes wanting to be a man and sometimes wanting to be free from it all together, it didnt feel good either. right now ive abandoned any notions of gender, just that im not a Girl, and whether that means im feminine or masculine or androgynous it doesnt matter. this is maybe the worst ive ever felt about my gender and has affirmed to me i probably am at least transmasc, if not completely a trans Man.

ive always rlly felt the shame of being transmasc. i feel like i betrayed womanhood or whatever even though i didnt fit into that either. i was an ugly obvious outlier in any space i tried to be a girl. i think id rather be a girl, i see the appeal of it so much more. i feel stupid for not wanting to be a girl when i enjoy the experience so much more. even though i Know identity is not something you choose, even though i Know every single person has a different thing thats right for them, it feels so much more justified to me to want to be a girl - whether you have to transition that way or were just born into it - than to want anything to do with masculinity. i dont know.

i have some internalized hatred to work out but it sucks when i see people reinforcing it. terfs call testosterone evil and talk about trans men betraying womanhood. transmascs frequently say stupid shit online (transmisogny, as well as generally being insanely discourse minded), and i know im not the monolith, im not the whole group, but it makes me feel stupid for wanting to be grouped with those people. this definitely ties into my completely unrelated issue of feeling personally responsible for shit that i didnt do, for people pleasing all the time and my desire to be liked by literally everyone. And then also in my head i go Ahhhh youre dividing people into arbitrary categories again... Youre deciding certain archetypes of transmasc suck even when you dont know the person personally and then i feel disappointed in myself again for being so generalizing. especially when i understand how they got to those conclusions or have thought them myself at some point.

now 90% of my friends are trans girls and its changed my perception of community again. i feel like transmascs dont have the same sense of closeness like that, or maybe we do, and i just dont feel it since i dont engage with my own community much anymore. maybe as an outsider i percieve more solidarity than actually exists (although between my friends & social media discourse im not at all unaware of infighting). maybe i just feel left out or lost wherever i go i guess. maybe it is just a me issue.

to add onto the i dont engage with my own community bit, i remember when i used to follow many transmasc artists and all their ocs and such were transmasc too. i strayed away from this for a few reasons. i remember some discourse in 2022 about how trans male artists get so much more attention online and how no one supports trans womens art, and i felt bad almost for engaging with my own community. i know that other peoples communities are not a threat to my own, and ive always supported trans womens art too, but i felt bad about the 1 single time i ever felt connected to other trans men. i felt bad consuming all this male content, and consequently stopped. that was also around the same time my sexuality shifted from feeling like a gay or bi man, to being a nonbinary lesbian, so i felt disconnected from a lot of gay transmasculine art as well.

a lot of my issue with identity is discourse and its so stupid man. i know its stupid to say out loud but constantly being surrounded by it gets to my head sometimes. it feels especially stupid as someone who doesnt even rlly engage with it, instead i just read thread after thread reply after reply and feel Bad with no outlet. i remember over the years seeing posts about how people drawing transmasc surgery scars felt empty and meaningless, because it didnt attempt to represent any other part of the transmasculine experience and i felt bad for enjoying that symbol. i loved seeing top scars in art and on people and then i felt weird about it, even though logically i know the importance of those things is not diminished by random people online saying its Hollow.

it always feels like discourse tries to pit trans men and women against eachother and it sucks. (with obvious exceptions, sometimes trans men really are ignorant & talking over or erasing transmisogny). ive never once with my transfem friends felt like i was at odds against them. learning other peoples experiences is extremely important to me, and ive often found we have very similar experiences too, even on stuff i wouldnt expect to have parallels for. it sucks that i literally go outside and touch grass everyday and interact with Real Queer People, and yet still the discourse worms infest themselves into my brain...

being completely unlabeled and being free is fine in a box, until im forced to adhere back to reality by the fact i live with other people. i can think of my own actions as genderless or etc in my own bubble, maybe even with friends, but when i go back into the world and am crammed and perceived into places i dont want to be, i feel bad again. maybe i havent experienced the true joys of being labeless when i still care about peoples perception of me. its hard not to when its your everyday at school and work.

[bloodybirthdays]

poppy playtime chapter 3 spoilers ( i am watching a lets play, this is a live blogging)

bioshock vibes with the radio messages.

seems pretty spooky so far. though, man, the escalation is pretty quick. poppy playtime is doing its best to beat the 'horror for children' allegations it seems.

like, the line about the dead kid in the duffle bag really isn't even. that horrifying as far as horror games go, i think? but it caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting it to be that blunt about it.

ah. the huggy from the trailer IS, in fact, a hallucination. cool

oh! kissy missy! cool! i wonder if they're going to get into the horror of Her existence. There seems to be some strong implications here.

ah. we're getting to actually hear the children talk now. that's gonna help with the horror escalation. before the kids were just... an implied reality. didn't have to really face it deeper than a surface level awareness. with visuals or audio of the kids? that is gonna help make things a lot more scary.

have the devs said how many chapters this game is going to be?? i wonder how much more there is planned for this.

wanted to make a 'would you rather be stuck in the superstar daycare (fnaf) or playcare (ppt)' but like. objectively superstar daycare is better. fazbear ent is not intentionally trying to murder children like, as a whole, they just keep having rabbit-dressed people kill people in their establishment. playtime co is actively and intentionally murdering people as a whole.

unfortunately, i gotta say, ppt is starting to fall into the batim... 'this building could not possibly be this big'. it reminds me of portal in a way, and I've never questioned how big the aperture building was, but thats because its Comedic. I am having trouble suspending my disbelief on playtime co being able to make this much underground factory without the world knowing that they HAVE that large space, even if not whats down there. batim escaped this by being semi-reality, and aperture is. comedic. but ppt has yet to justify itself to my brain. small thing though, unimportant.

oh kissy and poppy time! hi!

oh, player got tortured? interesting. mommy long legs also said player worked there, though. interesting.

(GASP) THE MIMIC PROTOTYPE!!

he trapped poppy in the case? also wow, 'god awful'. I was caught off guard by that. just didn't think she'd use that. phrase?

oh hey! huggy confirmed dead! rip huggy boy.

ollie why do you speak like dora explaining what us kids at home should do. who are you. what are you.

'why does catnap avoid the school?' because it used to be a kid. I would avoid it too.

hm. okay well dawko's title sorta spoils the name of the shadow lady from the trailer. but okay. oh wait no its brought up in the game like two minutes in. fair enough.

ohh she knows us too and also confirms player used to work there. is miss delight like. an actual person???

Ah. wanting to murder all of the children. Well, hello Mrs Afton, I guess.

oh nope she is a toy. i think? she has a cut out. probably a toy. oh. yep thats a toy. has a lights on lights off weeping angel mechanic too. neat. not that scary to me, though. partially because i cant get a good look at her dang design. partially because she's so brightly colored. sorry girl the bright blonde hair is not helping your fear factor. dawko disagrees with this opinion evidently lol.

oh oof she keeps clipping through a closed door. with her mechanic, in such a tight space, doesn't seem fair. rip dawko.

why does she have that moon laugh.sfx i know, unfair comparison, but it just sounds so much like moon's laugh but. female voice actor.

dawko brings up lack of checkpoints, and that paired with the clipping through closed gate thing makes me thing the devs thought this segment was a lot easier than it seems to actually be. partially because of that clipping bug, probably.

end of liveblogging part 1

[m0e-ru]

👀👀 also i just want to say thank you! i really got into P4 this year and finding your work only amplified my love for it. mim became like my 2nd favorite character all because of you also the stage play it really lives in my head rent free. i love your art and writings, your work has turned a special interest into an even more special one.

hi yeah I read this morning I was tearing up a bit sorrry for being an emotional baby I dont get love letters often maybe thats why im full of love . in exchange. thank yo thankyou for all the nice words it means a lot. here’s A LOT in return. with commentary because it um. was too much for the tags

okay this one was one of the drafts for my 3/20 art this year there was like. four drafts till i settled on this one then went SIKE 🏌️🏌️🏌️ you're doing the dual type ones ( the magazine ones i ended up posting )

MIDNIGHT TV STATION REAL !??? anyway here’s just shadow yukiko and iznmi interaction it’s not finished since there’s no backgrounds yet I swear there are. I did this alll the way back in feb I think and just kept polishing it bit by bit throuhgout the year and it’s STILL not done yet. the horrors came in I couldnt work on bigger pieces anymore since they wouldnt even get FINISHED anyway 💥💥💥 there’s also a s.kanji one but those are a bunch of blobs and text in shorthand mim is such a jokester asking questions n shit to twist people’s heads but yukiko’s just so sweet she really means what she says yknow like this is supposed to be the start of mim remembering what humanity is besides the mindless and selfish desires that technically gave birth to them after tearing them apart from the whole they once were. the LAST few TV stations these women were asking shit like ohhh can we hang a noose here ohhhhhhhh I want it to smell like liquor and rust and this girl was like can I have a castle !!!! can I wear a big pink frilly dress and hold a mic to push my human self’s buttons I think it could work

yeah these are my plans for the m.inaba arc for gsaslau and FUCK IM SO MAD I WAS WRITING ON THE TUMBLR EDITOR BUT IT FUCKED UP THE FORMATTING AND A WHOLE CHUNK OF TEXT IS GONE sorry this post is gonna be a lot longer than it should be okay ! gsaslau Magatsu Inaba arc. Adachi’s besties with the attendant but Mim decides they’re done with the attendant facade and erases everyone’s memories of the guy. They did a bad job at it though so Adachi’s stuck with the awareness that he has a hole in his life that could’ve been avoided if someone did a better job at cleaning up everything that reminds him of memories he’s going insane over thinking they exist when they DON’T to literally everyone else. He makes a deal with the fog to be god’s prohpet and usher in the New World as its Fool so it gives him the answer to whether or not his memories are real and worth bringing back a guy he thinks is dead. Souji tries to stop him and as much as Adachi’s trying to hide his true intentions under the guise he’s justifying himself as a bad guy this whole time, he kinda snaps under pressure that a bunch of kids are being able to stop him despite the help of a god and a world he can manipulate. Mim’s plan was to wait for his Shadow to take over so his body’s properties would be enough for him to become a vessel to manifest Ame-no-Sagiri. But THAT doesn’t happen so they did plan B: go force the power of Persona and wear it like a costume enough to hide their face to stop further awakening more memories that could throw the whole deal off. Souji recognizes that it isn’t the power of Persona so he demands god to stop using their powers through a human just to hide from something, it’s putting the guy in enough pain already. Mim agrees to leave and Adachi’s Shadow finally takes over anddd and yeah I could make a separate post about my writing I wish I had more time and energy for things

okay this one looks simple it’s likeee a manga that was supposed to be a companion piece to some writing that also didn’t get finished. so. I could share that but they’re non proofread discord messages but I promise the draft is there the context is that they’re in Okina and they try out the gacha machines. Mim’s genuinely having fun but they pull a teru teru bozu which um. remind them they’re supposed to dutiful god. like they look like a teru teru bozu. and that they’re supposed to treat this as an experiment to see humans’ true desires so they just shove it to Adachi who harmlessly relates it to them because it honestly looks stupid annd the whole tension dissipates.

here's also a bit of writing alll the way back in feb. i guess the context would be episode 13 and 14 where nanako leaves her loveline umbrella with the fox except this time she doesnt get wet since she had a pit stop at the gas station yaayy :mimyay:

The little girl left her umbrella by the torii with the fox as a gesture of her kind heart. Then she hugged the plastic bag in her arms and began to run straight home.

The rain was pouring hard! The summer wasn't as kind as her, nor would the crashing showers that would come after days of blazing heat.

Every step she took quickly became squickly and soggy as her shoes and socks were already soaked through. Her pigtails were getting heavy and her bangs almost covered her eyes. Just then, she heard a voice in the rain. But before she could look, she slipped forward.

"Ah!" Nanako gasped as she let go of the bag and braced for impact, but heard another "ah-h!" as she was quickly hoisted up with an arm wrapped around her chest, picking her up and felt another arm underneath support her. Her chin now on broad red shoulders that smelled faintly of car exhaust and gas amidst the rain.

The splashing of shoes on the wet pavement along with the crinkling sounds of a plastic bag was heard. Nanako was more worried of whose perfectly dry clothes she drenched with her sopping wet ones.

"You okay, little kiddo?" a familiar voice asked as she was gently set down on dry concrete away from the rain.

"I'm okay," she said, wiping her bangs and looking straight at the stranger in front of her.

It was Moel's gas station attendant, the one Souji works with. "Ah, you're big bro's big b--" she quickly shook her head, "I-I mean, big bro's senpai."

"Heh," the crouched man laughed weakly, it even seemed like he forced that smirk. "I work here too, y'know? Little customer."

"Oh, I'm sorry. And thank you, mister attendant."

"You're welcome, and don't worry about it. 'S not like I'm too mad about it."

An awkward air accompanied the scents of lingering exhaust from the last car and the petrichor from the rain. Although Nanako didn't feel any of this, just to say. It's always been like this with big bro’s senpai, at least how it's been with just Nanako herself. Like right now.

The man continued to crouch and adjust his hat. "Well, you're a silly girl. Why's someone with flowers all over her papers running around in the rain?"

Dunno how long, but I hope you haven't been running around like this for too long. I know you live nearby but your big bro's gonna have to take care of you if you get sick!--I mean, he'll always take care of you. He's a good kid.

If you were out long, I'm impressed how much of this you kept dry! …Just hoped you could've done the same for yourself, hehe.

Ah, but knowledge's different than wisdom, or whatever mister detective said. Hm, he even said I had neither! Maybe that's why I didn't know?

Uh…well….the fox by the shrine…. it was getting wet, so I…

Hm…

Heh, 'can see how you and that kiddo really are alike, little kiddo.

and SURPRISE !!! i found this lying around i thoughtt id add it here because youre so nice and it's so lovely to see you in my notifs all the time THIS IS A JUMPSCARE FOR EVERYONE ELSE sorrryyyy sorry

[raincamp]

7 - 27 - 23

today has been... a lot. i have a lot to talk about because it really just keeps snowballing, ive had the worst fucking BPD episode today

so i wrote this this morning, expecting to get to actually have a session with my therapist today, since yk, i did finally make an appointment with her referral (for context if you didn't read my last posts, she basically said: no appts until i start addiction counseling bc she can't treat addiction) //

"i've been having the worst and most painful fucking week of my life only for everything to be entirely made up by my imagination, oh how i fucking hate paranoid ideation

as i'm writing this i have about an hour before my therapy appointment— which i was one hundred and ten percent sure was going to be rescheduled, and that i was going to be terminated, because apparently my therapist doesn't like me— and i'm having so many urges to like, hurt myself, or do something to prove that I've been in pain this week because now that i've realized it was all just paraoia my pain no longer feels valid, or justifiable, or even real because of my emotional impermanence making it literally impossible for me to relive the emotions i was experiencing even 5 hours ago.

im partly glad that i only blew up at her once, i think i would be so much more embarrassed had i not. not to say that im not entirely ashamed of my entire reaction to something as small as this, but i also feel like she would've been able to understand how much I've been struggling this week if i had. and since I can't wholly remember how it felt, if it exists in somebody else then it makes it more real. idk. i just want my pain to be validated by her so much."

i was fully ready for her to text me today and be like "oh chill you made an appt see you in an hour" but what i got instead was radio silence. so i checked my appointment portal only to see our standing appointments for the next 3 weeks cancelled.

believe me when i say, my heart fucking dropped, i mean like, it was on the fucking floor, i was hit so hard i couldnt breathe for several minutes.

so, yk, i text her begging for an appointment like the pathetic emotional parasite that i am, and all i get in response is a "we can reschedule once you've attended your intake appointment" so i was like, welp, that sucks bc my intake is next week on a Thursday, so now i have to go two weeks without therapy. absolutely triggered the fuck out of me, i was crying, SOBBING on my floor, it just hurt so fucking much. i felt like i was being ripped apart and sewn crudely back together again, over and over again, everytime i calmed down enough to breathe it would start over again, wave after wave of sadness and shame and abandonment and rage and grief and desperation. i just wanted to stop feeling so much PAIN.

and yk what i did, instead of hurting myself like i nornally would, i texted my therapist like i've been taught to in DBT. she's SUPPOSED to be there to help me when i need it. thats literally in her contract.

mid-sob i typed out a message that was more akin to me begging her to pull me out of a sea of misery and perform CPR on me than professionally asking for help, but i genuinely didnt know what to do, and i STILL don't, because distress tolerance only goes so far, ive been feeling like this, constantly, since our last session.

and she just responded with reminding me that she set the boundary a week ago and we talked about a referral 11 days ago, but she was available for an appointment in two weeks (meaning ANOTHER week without therapy, total: 3) . completely ignoring my plea for help. it felt like she was telling me "hey just a reminder, this is entirely a consequence of your own actions. have fun dealing with it yourself!!"

i have fucking BPD, the only way i KNOW how to deal with anything is by hurting either myself or the people around me. and im THIS close to self destructing and quitting therapy altogether.

i am so fucking pissed at her, idk how she can expect me to survive three weeks without stable treatment. especially after i was hospitalized last month for a suicide attempt?? she knows how much im suffering right now. is keeping a boundary really so important that she can't even help me when im hurting this much?

all i want right now is to scream at her, and im definitely going to, at the very least, be as much of an arse as i can over text, idk, i feel like i deserve to let myself be angry at her. its definitely justified, despite what i said before. theres clear evidence now that I wasn't being paranoid.

i just feel so abandoned by her, physically and emotionally, i feel like i have nobody, i feel like im back to where i was before i started treatment. its so frustrating, and painful. and the fact that this is due to an addiction that i dont have any control over is making me feel even worse.

im trying to figure out why she's doing this, like, she's shown shes competent, i genuinely cant understand how doing this is supposed to help me. how is putting me through this much pain going to help? its making me so unstable. and ik im going to relapse again at some point before i get to see her again.

im trying not to think about it anymore, because everytime i do i start crying again. its to the point where i have a killer headache and my eyes hurt so much from the amount of tears ive spilled.

i fucking hate this disorder so much. nobody but me would be this attached to their therapist. normal people would be able to cope with someone setting boundaries easily. this shouldnt be causing me to feel this way. its not fair. im so exhausted from having to hurt so much all the time, at this point its chronic, its become background noise, its my idle state, and im enraged about it.

i hope good omens season 2 lives up to my expectations.

- andrew

[mg549]

tagged by @graveyardrabbit 👍!

last song: mama by mcr <3

currently watching: nothing 😔✊idk its hard to get me to watch tv shows. oh i did jst remember like 2 years ago or sth i started watching Every X-Files Ever with a big excel sheet of all my opinions and shit. but its been hard to get thru bc the later seasons have not been very enjoyable and also ive been Busy with work n putting out consistent art n shit that its hard to justify sitting down and not doing anything for that long ig. ive also slowly been getting thru various slasher franchises&watching iconic horror movies since i love horror but havent watched a lot of the movies, &its easier for me to get thru an hour and a half of sth Complete than 45 mins of a Part of a larger story. the original scream is def the cream of the crop of what ive seen so far, meanwhile i watched the first saw last night and it was incredibly stupid and frustrating to watch. 9/11 rly took its toll on media

currently reading: 😶 even harder than videos bc i absolutely cannot multitask while reading. recently finished frankenstein (which i started literally almost 3 years prior (its not that long or difficult i jst struggle to justify spending time on things that i dont consider “work” in my brain) (also it was p good but you could literally cut out the second part and the story would benefit imo it jst rly slogs down the pace and axes any tension for a lot of details that could be conveyed much quicker if they were explained in less detail)) and the communist manifesto (didnt take nearly as long bc its like pamphlet length gbdkjd) edit everyone go read izroulia actually a new series came out today&i haven't been able to read it yet but its been keeping me going fr i love how earnest it is in being itself its such a good piece of safe media for me if that makes sense

current obsession: ughhhhhhhhh ive been in between obsessions for a lil bit i feel like. idk this is sth i struggle w/ bc the last thing i felt fully like Enveloped in was the adventure zone (orig. arc) which ended. 5 years ago. lemon demon&lemonville came shortly after but it was hard to feel it was on the same scale bc it was actively in creation as i was there and associated #Drama also lessened its grip faster than it would’ve had it been like an existing show or sth. plus theres less ppl obvs. had a brief good omens phase but it burned out pretty quick bc i had so thoroughly dissected it very quickly. &since then ive kind of jst been cycling between existing interests (monster high/fashion dolls in general, mercreatures, creepypasta/slenderman/horror in general) plus the occasional mcr blast but it doesnt quite Grip the same bc there arent like Characters i can rotate. the best ive gotten is obsessing over my own ocverses but its not the same.... idk i rly rly Want to feel the Passion that fandom brings but none of the media thats blown up interests me enough to consider consuming the media or i take a peak&dont like it cause im picky...idk my fundamental problem is that im picky and hard to please bc i can deconstruct things so easily to see its Bones and if a story is more surface level and straightforward and easy to understand its hard for me to keep my attention on it at the stage of my life im in. that being said aquamarine is my fave movie tho so. but then again i think ppl jst write it off cause its a chick flick. idk recommend me things but dont be surprised if its not my vibe ig

ummmmmmmmmmm idk who to tag u can do this if u want to&say i tagged u but i think i was kinda a bummer w/ these answers so 😔✊

[gorematchala]

I think my final verdict on FFXV is that it sucks really bad but, as a movie, I like watching it suck cuz theres good stuff in there, and its just kinda fascinating overall

The game has absolutely no value to me in terms of actual gameplay. It's got bad combat on top of tedious open world bullshit. Don't care. But as movies on youtube...

Kingsglaive is actually kinda good, but that may be biased by the fact that Aaron Paul is the lead, and also that I watched it immediately after Advent Children which is the worst garbage ever. The story has two plot threads that proceed in a logical manner and then converge at the 70% mark and resolve in a satisfying conclusion. Thats all I can ask of a film. Advent Children sucks so bad I still can't believe it after 48 entire hours

The main game movie is mostly inoffensive even though it only kinda makes sense? It's totally fine once you get what's happening, but there isn't enough information in there. But I like Noctis, and Ardyn is the best. There are other characters as well

Episode Gladiolus is nothing

Episode Prompto was shockingly bad, like holy fuck. The shit opens on 3 minutes of walking in the snow, followed by Metal Gear, then Prompto has a meltdown because he finds out he was grown in a tube, which doesnt really seem to do anything for him. Like he isn't extra strong as a result or anything. So he tries to burn his barcode off and hes screaming and crying in the snow while I'm sitting here remembering how little of a fuck Noctis and them give when he tells them. Like all this shit happens and hes freaking out and they go yeah who cares. Then he spends 25 minutes shooting an RE5 turret at a big worm. Awful

Episode Ignis was kinda cool. I like Ravus well enough and Ignis is at least capable and good at what he does if nothing else. I think I came around on him despite his britishness because Prompto is annoying and Gladio is kind of an asshole for no reason randomly. And the realest moment in the whole base game is the two of them arguing over whether or not Ignis should be allowed to travel with them like he isn't there listening to them. That and Gladio dealing with his own frustration about everything that happened at Altissia by yelling at Noctis for being sad while Ignis is blind. Basically using Ignis's situation as justification to vent on someone. In the middle of this weird chopped up shell of a plot they take a moment to very accurately portray how the people around someone will often make their newfound disability about them. It was neat

Episode Ardyn was both the best and worst part of the whole plot. It justifies his motivation and shows you exactly how we got where we did, but at the same time, it sucks when Bahamut explains that none of this matters because it was preordained by fate. It made me feel for Ardyn because he almost existed outside that fate but was still bound by it. Cursed to spend his whole life waiting for Noctis to be born and kill him, just because that's the hand he was dealt by his own brother. Or was it his brother? Was it fate? Where did the plague come from? Why does melting people give him their memories? Why can he sometimes stop time? Who decided upon this prophecy? Why was Ardyn made the embodiment of darkness? Why did killing him solve the problem?

The whole thing is stupid when you view it as a series of events that happen just because they have to. But there's still something about it that makes me want to like it. Maybe it's just the ghost of Versus XIII. The promise of spending the game walking around that city instead of driving through the desert. Idk. But at the end of the day, Noctis is really good in Theatrhythm and he's fun to play as in Tekken, so I guess it was all worth it

[softness-and-shattering]

Its also an accessibility thing re focus and attention and being able to function, and sensory input and overwhelm.

Its like instead of a way to sell products the ads themselves have become the products. Why would you advertise in a game, I already bought the game!

I literally dont know when I last had an ad shoved in my face and then thought "yes I need that, I will buy it." And given amount of ads viewed per day thats saying something.

And theres those torture porn ads for games that dont exist. So many ads for games that dont exist, for weird scam products and scam services, whats the point? Who is even funding all these ads, because theres no way enough people buy whatevers being advertized to justify the output.

It also just pisses me off, that "content creators" are selling my attention. Im not even being paid for my attention, someone else is robbing me of focus and sensory threshold and time and blood pressure and they're selling it on to advertisers. I did not ever consent to this. Im not profiting from it either. Im listening to a podcast to learn something, not to be cajoled into buying some irrelevant thing, and even if it sounds good in theory, the fact of it being shilled makes me not trust it.

And outside, in public space, whos deciding where billboards go up not just big outside ones but when every corner of a shopping centre has screens and flashing and theres ads painted on the floors and no fucking wonder everything is overstimulating, theres not a single blank patch of anything anywhere to rest your eyes and mind on. Its hard to even rest when its my choice to put my phone down like Ive forgotten how to do it like im too wired.

Its so many layers of bullshit and its honestly terrifying because where will they go next. If we dont get laws in somehow, or some other way to block and dissuade, well theres plenty dystopian sci fi are we gonna have ads in our eyeballs, watch 3 ads before you can order food, sit through 2 unskippable ads before the dr will see you? AND FOR WHAT GAIN. Why does it feel like the advertising is the end goal? If life was a scifi it would be some brainwashing thing and tbh what is this amount of advertising input doing to us? Its so unnatural. (I dont think its that sinister, probably. Such a conspiracy would require too many people to cooperate and succeed). But like. I did not ever consent to this. I actively do not want it. More and more insidious ubiquitious advertising is becoming more normal and its BAD.