#but honestly why are they so scared of saying 'nonbinary'. it's clear that that's what napstablook is

[everysongineverykey]

i dunno it kinda bothers me sometimes to see characters who are referred to with they/them pronouns in games described as "ambiguously gendered" or "gender left unclear" or "gender unstated" by fans and stuff like. yeah absolutely they are sometimes that. sometimes the creator had a gender in mind for them while creating them and just didn't think to talk about it in the game. but also, like. sometimes characters can just be nonbinary? and it makes me kinda sad that everyone's first reaction to they/them pronouns in games is "oh, they have a binary gender, it's just up to the player/not stated in-game".

[epic-sorcerer]

Queer imagery in BBC Merlin

Content warning: kink/fetish, fisting in particular but I show I big image containing a long list of different kinks, homophobia, dom/sub dynamics, sex

Merlin is shown wearing a purple tunic in s4, despite the fact he is a servant and purple(especially with such saturation) was extremely expensive bc purple dye was so hard to make. Gwen also has a light purple dress(or maybe 2? It’s hard to tell). Even though it’s definitely lighter than Merlins tunic, it’s still expensive.

it was illegal for peasants to wear expensive fabrics because of the Sumptuary Law. Basically it makes sure that lower class people are not fashionable. However, BBC Merlin doesn’t seam to care about that law, considering Merlins other bright clothing so take this was a grain of salt.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that there’s no way they could have gotten their hands on these clothes without the help of nobles. Gwen might have, because she works with clothing and could have easily mixed blue and red dye together. Merlin probably not have because he’s never shown to be particularly materialistic or interested much in fashion, despite his bright clothes. Bright Purple would have been much, much harder to get.

It makes the most sense for Merlin and possibly Gwen too to have been gifted such expensive clothing by a noble for being a good servant. I’d imagine Arthur would be the one to give Merlin the tunic and morgana the dresses.

Why does this matter? Lavender(and also purple in general) was considered a queer color starting in the 19th century. Queer men especially were said to possess a “streak of lavender” and a serge of homophobia at the time was often referred to as the “Lavender Scare.” Purple and lavender is still used now to symbolize queerness.

Since Merlin is a modern interpretation of Arthurian myths, it would be perfectly plausible that this symbol was on purpose. Merlin/Arthur and Gwen/Morgana are both extremely popular ships and they are both shown to have a very deep form of trust(Gwen/Morgana being at the beginning of the show). Arthur and Morgana gifting Merlin and Gwen purple clothing could be show them they accept their queerness and/or signaling their own queer attraction to them.

Now, this next symbolism concerns only Merlin/Arthur.

Merlin is shown to have three neckerchiefs.

Navy blue, red, and light grey. Why does this matter? Well, let’s take a look at something called the handkerchief code, also known as the hanky code or “flagging.”

This code has its origins all the way back in time during the Wild West in the USA, but got more popular during the late 20th century in USA and UK gay bars. This code was used mainly by queer men and some nonbinary people to signal to other queers what they wanted sexually. While typically worn in people’s back pockets, a handkerchief could also be worn around one’s neck to show they are a versatile and experienced.

According to this code, Merlin is into;

Red: fisting and getting fisted. This color was hard to get an exact shade from, but the second best option was dark red for double fisting which is honestly so similar I’m not sure if it really matters much.

Light grey: stone topping and getting fucked by a stone top

Navy blue: fucking and being fucked anally

For any one wanting to make their own interpretations of Merlins neckerchief colors(the lighting makes it hard to tell the exact ones) have a look at this handy chart

Not only that, but Arthur is seen wearing a favour on his left arm in s3 ep 4.

What’s a favour? It’s a fabric strip of affection commonly given by maidens to knights before a tournament as a symbol of good luck. It’s often a very important scarf, hankcerchlif , towel, really any bit of cloth that can be tied around someone’s arm. This is also a popular trope in historical media for a female love interest to give a favour to a male one to show chemistry between them.

Regardless of your stance on Merlins gender identity, you have to admit how commonly Merlin is shown to be gender nonconforming(GNC) or otherwise be associated with “womanly” qualities. Especially in a society so heteronormative, the only “pure” option for a knight receiving a romantic gesture would have it be from a woman. If the token was from a queer man, it would also out the noble and cause lots of horrific chaos and destroy both of their reputations.

Even if it was common for women to give knights favours, queer men still existed and with that came romantic gestures—this time hopefully more secret.

Even though the favour on Arthur’s arm doesn’t look exactly like Merlin’s neckerchief, Merlin was the only person to speak with him while preparing for the tournament. Also, the original theorist who I linked in my sources also pointed out that Merlins neckerchief looks lopsided. Almost like Merlin tore off a bit of it and hastily tied it back on.

Although this theory is definitely flawed, it doesn’t matter. Arthur is still wearing a red handkerchief on his left arm. But what does that tell us exactly?

Regardless of wether or not it was Merlin’s, the red is the same shade and also implies Arthur is also into fisting. What about the placement? Sicne it’s on his left, it shows that he is a top/dom, meaning that he prefers to be the one fisting. Since it is worn around his upper arm, it shows that he is simply into the fetish, compared to what other placements mean. In another source, it shows taht upper arm means switch, but because Arthur is wearing it on his left it wouldn’t really make sense for him to signal being a “top-switch” compared to being a top and having the fetish in general.

If you look closely, you can see a different colored stripe on the favour. It’s hard to tell exactly what the color is, it could be yellow, gold, orange, etc. because the color is so dubious, I’ll just leave y’all with a list of color meanings that may apply to Arthur’s favour.

YELLOW: pisser/watersports kink

YELLOW, Pale: spitter/spit kink

MUSTARD: Has 8+ inch dick

GOLD: two looking for one

ORANGE: anything anytime

Also, it’s important to bring up what many in thsi fandom refer to as the “fisting scene.” Where Arthur threatens Merlin by showing him his gloved fist and pulling a bit at the glove.

In the blooper, you can see Merlin’s actor(Colin Morgan) breaking character and giggling as Arthur shows him his fist. Many in the fandom agree that this was a clear innuendo for fisting, and it is very well possible.

Merlin is shown hitting Arthur and saying he was just doing some horse play, but still indirectly convincing Arthur that he needs to teach Merlin a lesson. This is actually a common act in BDSM sex, where the submissive person purposely angers the dominant into punishing them in a way that somehow involves sex or fetish play.

If you look closely, you can see Merlin is wearing at kinky red fisting handkerchief, showing Merlin is perfectly capable of being a submissive fistee. Also, the hanky code also includes other symbols such as latex or rubber gloves that, surprise surprise, also mean fisting. Although it’s more likely Arthur’s gloves where made of leather, it can still further be interpreted as a fisting symbol if you want. Either way, Arthur’s favour still holds water as he is undoubtedly the dom in this situation.

Also, Merlin is very impulsive and a madlad. Tell me he wouldn’t wear his secret fetish symbols infrount of stuck up, Roman Catholics who are none the wiser. He’d probably think it’s hilarious which is probably why he wears them almost everyday. Merlin loves playfully misbehaving(and is also a brat sometimes) so it makes sense for him to have some dangerous fun.

Now, you may be asking. Why does this matter? At the end of the day, it probably wasn’t intentional. Well, there is alwyas room for doupt BUT I do have some ferther proof. One of the co writers of BBC Merlin—Johnny Capps—actually won a Stone Wall Award. You know, an award named after a core part of queer culture?

The award’s website and Wikipedia page say they give the award for art that describes the LGBT experience well. While I am unsure why or what Capps made to be nominated, it still shows he is very much in touch with queer culture. Capp himself even said at an interview about Merlin, “... in the end, deep, deep down it’s about sexuality and things you just can’t tackle head-on.”

Well, what says more about sexuality than the main characters fist fucking each other? That’s a lot of sexuality. While I am unsure of Capp’s age, he does look to be about middle age and it would make sense for him to know about a code popularized in a 70s to 90s. Especially for someone who has made multiple queer oriented stories in his life time.

Sources:

Why is purple considered the color of royalty?

Sumptuary law

How lavender became a symbol of LGBTQ resistance

How Lavender Became a Symbol of LGBTQ Resistance(part 2)

flagging opinicus rampant

Handkerchief code

DO YOU KNOW THE HANKY CODE?

Picspam: The Red Favour (Proof of Arthur Wearing Merlin's Favour in 3x04)

Five medieval love tokens

The Lady's Favour

Hanky codes

Nominees for Stonewall Awards announced

Merlin series 5 spoiler-free launch report

Pls reblog I spent hours on this /np 😭👊

[fate-hates-faraday]

Dress-Up

Wherein Thomas has more influence over the Sides than he realizes.

(Warnings: uhhhhhh dodging questions? Could be gaslighting if you stretch the definition. Reference to forced silence for like two sentences. Minor angst)

-

“Until next time, guys, gals, and nonbinary pals. Peace out!”

Thomas smiled as he turned off the camera. His Sides had already left, and, honestly, it had been a fairly productive and positive conversation. All he had to do now was prepare the video for uploading.

“Thomas.”

Thomas was not ashamed to admit he’d jumped at the unexpected voice. He turned to see Deceit stepping out from the shadows beside Patton’s space.

Ah. His Sides, excluding Deceit, had already left.

“Hey - I thought you sunk out a while ago?” It was more the unexpected voice than Deceit himself that had startled him. After all, Deceit had been attending their discussions a lot more lately. Even when he admitted he held no stake in the topic, he would hang around and only occasionally interject. Sometimes, when discussion got too overwhelming, Deceit would briefly silence everyone and ask Thomas who was allowed to talk first (”...how about everyone?! Deceit!”). Despite his concern for Deceit’s methods, he appreciated the sentiment and it had proven helpful for the especially tense moments. Somewhere along the way, Thomas had realized that, while he didn’t enjoy deceit, he had come to accept Deceit and that idea didn’t scare him at all.

“I had considered it.” Deceit was actually in his living room right now, he had to focus on that. The Side was conspicuously studying his fingernails through his gloves. “I wanted a moment of relative privacy, however, and post-recording seemed ideal.”

“I - I guess, yeah.” He could almost feel the others settling in to relax, barely attentive to Thomas himself. The two of them would be left alone. Why did Deceit want them to be left alone? Only idle curiosity accompanied the question much to his surprise. “What’s up?”

“I wished to talk.” Deceit paused. “It is important you specifically knew that and not at all a stall tactic.” Ah. Thomas waved Deceit over and, without the invisible walls made by the camera, Deceit was able to follow Thomas to the couch. He refused to sit though, even when Thomas patted the space beside him.

“Alright. So now I know.” Was he helping Deceit get more time to be comfortable with whatever he was planning? Was he subtly calling him out? Thomas wasn’t sure himself. Deceit had a habit of seeing the worst in others so, in case he’d assumed the latter, Thomas added, “So, uh, pretty curious what you want to talk about. Just take your time - we both know I have nothing planned for the rest of the day except watching The Office.” At that, Deceit snorted.

“I am quite aware.” The tone was harsh, but the human corner of his lip was upturned in a smile. He glanced around. He took a deep breath. He scratched behind his ear. He dropped his gaze to the carpet. He exhaled, the air coming out in a soft hiss.

Deceit’s nervous. Now, Thomas’ curiosity morphed into concern. While Patton and Roman especially hid their insecurities and uncertainties, Deceit always projected confidence that whatever he had to say was important and he deserved to be heard. What could leave him hemming and hawing? Thomas himself debated whether or not to speak up when Deceit fully looked away.

“On reflection, it’s hardly worth the breath required to speak it.” Deceit’s voice had grown hard with an edge of condescension, and Thomas’ gut tightened. It wasn’t the tone, though. He could tell: Deceit was actively lying to himself and to Thomas. “I have better things to tend to. Enjoy your show.” Deceit began to sink, and Thomas reached out, stumbling from his seat. The action seemed to catch his Side’s attention and he rose back up, hands raised. In defense, in surrender, or in case Thomas actually fell, it wasn’t clear. Thomas took a moment to regain his balance, feeling Deceit’s incredulous gaze on him. Yes, yes, he was being weird.

“Look, if you think it’s important, I do too. That’s how this works. If you’re not ready, that’s okay, but I can tell it’s important.” Deceit scowled.

“I am quite ready, thank you.” Oh. That sort of backfired, didn’t it. Deceit seemed to realize the trick he’d played on himself and rubbed underneath his human eye. He took another breath and, this time, began talking. “Well. I have been considering that, as of late, you seem to be ... viewing me differently.”

“I mean, I guess so.”

“You recognize that our appearances, in a large part, dictated by your personal views.” Thomas cringed at that.

“I - I never really thought about that.” He looked at Deceit, gaze resting on the scales that marred his face. The implication settled in and tinged his next words with horror. “Am I - that’s why-?”

“-you see me as a ‘slimy boy’? Correct.” Deceit didn’t sound as bitter as Thomas expected, but he swore something cold tinged the words. “That said, as your views seem to have changed-” Thomas swore he didn’t blink; Deceit simply transformed that fast. Gone were the scales, the slit pupil, even the capelet and yellow gloves. Deceit’s clothes now more resembled what he had worn in the courtroom, the yellow shirt’s hue turned pastel and long white gloves covering his hands. He tilted the bowler hat back to better expose his face and the pale patchiness on its left side. Both human eyes met Thomas’, and his lips curled up in a small smile. “Well, it appears now my true appearance can change as well.”

Thomas couldn’t respond verbally, only able to step back to better view the new look. He had never seen a Side change so drastically while still being, well, himself. It was as if Deceit had left altogether - wait, he hadn’t, right?

“Deceit?”

“Who’s she? Never heard of her.” The familiar retort confirmed that at least.

“Right, right. Just wasn’t expecting this.” He had to take another moment to study Deceit, who seemed to be relaxing under his gaze.

“What can I say?” Deceit twirled, showing off the new look, and Thomas caught sight of coattails as he did. Relief relaxed his shoulders. That was a weird reaction. Relief? “I’ve heard surprise is the greatest gift you can give someone. It was something like that. I think Remus remembers the full expression.” 

“Huh. Wouldn’t expect Remus to know that.”

“Yes, well, he’s picked up all sorts of quotes about surprises and shock. They help him think more ... coherently.” Was that implying Remus could be worse? Yikes. Thomas decided to not think about it, lest he summon the Side accidentally.

“Got it. So,” Thomas said, gesturing at Deceit, “this is you?”

“I thought we just established I am me.”

“I mean, your true form.”

“That’s one way to describe it.” Deceit was checking a pocket on the suit jacket and pulled out a couple of black markers. “Oh, I was wondering where I’d left those.” Thomas nodded in thought. He had to admit, he liked Deceit’s new appearance. It just seemed more open and inviting and, though he could be imagining it, seemed to make Deceit himself more open. So what was bugging him about it? Why did it seem... dis-relieving? “Well, Thomas,” he said, pocketing the markers again, “since you seem to approve, I won’t be going anywhere - I’m obviously still needed here, you see.” Deceit clasped his hands together. Wait. Deceit began to sink out once more. Wait, wait.

“Wait a minute.” Thomas rubbed at his eyes. He thought he saw a flash of frustration cross Deceit’s face as he rose back up, but his expression was neutral when Thomas looked again. “Just, I need a moment. Hang on.” Thomas stepped back until he fell upon his couch. Deceit made no move to follow. “What do you mean, ‘I seem to approve’?”

“I would think it means exactly what it sounds like. I know that you know what words mean.”

“That’s not an answer.” Thomas mentally rewound their conversation as he kept talking. “I - you never actually answered my questions. They sounded like answers, but they really weren’t.”

“Hm. It sounds like Virgil’s acting up. I know he seemed fine when he left, but-”

“Deceit. This isn’t Virgil. We know that.” Thomas made eye contact with Deceit. “I just - is this really you?”

“I can hardly imagine anyone who’d want to imitate me.”

“That’s not-” Thomas groaned. “Deceit, is - is this what you want to look like, or is it what I want you to look like?” It hadn’t been the most eloquent phrasing, but it seemed to make his point.

He received no answer.

Deceit seemed unwilling to break eye contact, keeping his face emotionless, but that was a sort of answer in and of itself. Thomas felt his shoulders sag.

“...do you like it?”

“Of course.”

“Because I like it?” Again, Thomas received no response. He broke eye contact to lower his face into his hands. “Crud.” He sighed. “Is.... what is this?”

“It certainly wasn’t a waste of time and energy” Deceit's voice took on a sharp edge. Oh boy. “It’s not like it hasn’t been repeatedly made obvious how repellent you’ve found virtually every aspect of my appearance.” It sounded like Deceit had taken a few steps away. “Besides, why is it any different than, say, the others changing their appearances? Because I ever-so-clearly recall you questioning their changes like this.”

“Because they wanted to. They didn’t change because I wanted them to, or they thought I wanted them to.” He looked up and, as expected, Deceit was adamantly refusing to look his way, arms crossed over his chest. “So I’m not a big fan of snakes or bright yellow. I’m also not a big fan of spiders, and Virgil decorates his room in them. He’s even got a pet tarantula, I think. And it makes him happy. You know the things I want deep down, right?” Deceit seemed to be looking at the floor now. “Then you know what I really want is for every part of me to be happy. I don’t want you squishing yourself into something you don’t like because you think it’ll make me happy. I was kinda hoping none of us had to do that anymore.” Thomas let the words hang in the air as he watched Deceit for a response. Finally, Deceit scratched behind his ear and spoke.

“Just so we’re clear: if you don’t accept now, then I won’t lock in and this will be the last time you see anything like this from me, voluntarily.”

“Alright.”

“I do mean it. You’ll be stuck with a half-snake Side for the rest of your days.”

“I know.”

Again, Deceit’s appearance changed as he turned to face Thomas again. Thomas blinked as he realized Deceit hadn’t quite reverted to his previous form: most noteworthy, his capelet had taken on a slight purple tinge and his visible scales were now a warm shade of yellow with viridian speckling - almost like freckles, Thomas decided.

“Consider this your last chance.”

“Deceit, I wouldn’t want to imagine you any other way.”

The human corner of Deceit’s lips twitched upwards in an asymmetrical smile.

“Well, Thomas, as you insist.” Deceit then seemed to notice the slight changes and took a moment to examine himself, tugging at the capelet and peeking underneath his gloves before ending with a mildly confused ‘huh’. Thomas shrugged, grinning.

“Well, you did say I influence how you look. Do you like it?”

“...I lo- like it, maybe. I suppose I can learn to like it.” He looked back to Thomas. Thomas had to focus to notice the slight signs of unease and wondered for their reason. “I suppose then I should be going - I mean, I plan to stick around.” Then it clicked: Deceit had thought he was doing him a favor, only to realize he’d just stressed him out more. No wonder he now almost seemed pressured to sink out. Before Deceit could vanish, Thomas spoke up for the third time.

“Uh, hang on.”

“I swear, you can be-”

“Wanna watch The Office with me?” Thomas again patted the empty space beside him. Deceit blinked.

“You do know we are at least somewhat aware of what goes on out here. I hardly need-”

“I know, but I wouldn’t mind some good company while I watch.” Thomas worked very hard to bite down a laugh as the human side of Deceit’s face blushed. “So, you in?”

“...I suppose I can take the time out of my very busy schedule for an episode or two.” Finally, Deceit closed the gap between them and sat down next to Thomas.

“So - are we gonna start from the first one and go in order, or skip around to the best ones?”

“....let’s skip around.”

[potatopossums]

Insecurity and Boundaries: A Necessary Coexistence

Content Warning:

This post includes discussions / mentions of:

bodily insecurities, explicitly including dysmorphia, dysphoria, and implicitly including but not limited to eating disorders, weight

childhood trauma including shame, humiliation, fear

coping mechanisms, both healthy and unhealthy, including anxious avoidance, projection, masking, reflection

mentioned references to all of the above through lenses of morality, cis white feminism and sexualized body positivity

adhd

—

Author's Note:

Written through the lens of adhd, anxiety, depression, queerness, transness, nonbinaryness, aromanticism, alterous attraction, and as always, questioning.

—

Ngl I've had the opportunity to date/"be with" (in whatever capacity) several quite attractive ppl, and the last couple have been great examples of something that actually kind of triggers me / turns me off.

I didn't really know what to make of it then, and I felt bad about it then too because I thought I was just being judgy. Not saying some of that isn't potentially still there, but i think i understand better now.

It honestly kind of scares me when I have the opportunity to have close relationships with people with bodily dysphoria/dysmorphia or strong insecurities. My brain has a really bad habit of being reflective when I'm feeling vulnerable. I just match people. It's a way of masking while relating to people. It's a defense mechanism. But it feels quite real in the moment and i often don't realize it's happening until it has already happened.

But as a nonbinary person who gets misgendered a lot at work, I've spent a lot of time now very acutely aware of my own body (as if i wasn't already). I don't tend to hate my body in a vacuum. I actually enjoy my body. I like how it looks in certain clothes; I like how I can trick the eye and make it look another way with other clothes, and then surprise, it's a different body underneath! I like how my body feels when i masturbate, i like how my body feels in the warm sun, i like how my body feels when i self-soothe. Even when I'm in pain, in some of those moment, i like that my body exists because I know something is happening inside me, something systematic and programmed, something beyond me that does it's evolutionary purpose, no matter how flawed. I've always had a curiosity about bodies in general (gender and sex completely aside). So when i say i love my body, i mean that.

Does it mean i don't struggle with dysphoria? Of course i struggle. And it makes me feel like shit.

Sure, I've got that Cis White Feminist Self-Loathing Intervention Voice in my head that says "all bodies are beautiful" (and she really means all women are beautiful but I'll co-opt her lines to fit my agenda). That voice is problematic because like. I like being beautiful, but why do I want to be beautiful, and what happens when I'm not beautiful? How do I guage whether I'm beautiful at any given moment? Isn't that largely subjective even with an overarching cultural & social standard? When I feel "ugly" — my cowlicks sticking up, teeth unbrushed, i feel too short, i feel i look too childish, I'm afraid my boobs are showing in a way i don't want to be seen, etc. — who's to say that someone else doesn't find some of those things attractive? So attractiveness is a poor method of confidence, despite how influential it still is on my brain and personality. That influence is fear based.

All that in mind, when I hear other people struggling with their bodies, especially in a Trans/Non-Binary/Dysphoric way, it really scares me. I mean, any bodily struggles scare me because I have my own insecurities to deal with. And when I'm in that state of really wanting to keep a connection because abandonment trauma + adhd, my vulnerable brain says that in order to impress someone, I must reflect relatably. So that has me digging back into my bodily insecurities. And I explore them as if I should be feeling them.

Let me unpack that. I'm avoidant with my anxieties. I don't talk about them, and I don't think about them much if I can help it, because when I think about them, that result can be largely painful, dramatic, and too emotionally volatile for me to handle. I always want to look put together, I want to feel secure enough to not need to ask for help, because those few times it went badly when I asked for help still stick with me (regardless of how long ago those moments were, and regardless of how many good times I've had where received actual help since). I remember the embarrassment and humiliation, the shame, the fear, the guilt. I remember wanting to make myself smaller, and how crushing that felt to do. I remember how little I understood of these wild and complex emotions, and all I knew was that I felt violated and disgusting. And I turned that inward. Because I had no external support.

So me saying that I explore my anxieties "as if I should be feeling them" is multi-pronged. It's Cis White Feminist Body Positivity, it's all those family members who modeled and normalized self-hatred for me from a young age, it's bodily dysphoria/dysmorphia at being misgendered, it's me trying to convince myself that my body truly is okay and that my negative inner voice doesn't know what it's talking about due to it's poor influences, and it's me ultimately not being able to reconcile all that on my own (or fast enough, thanks adhd) and resorting to anxious avoidance of my insecurities as if that solves them.

And then, when I hear someone I might kind of want to be intimate with start to talk about their insecurities, my brain panics. It says, "If you go in there, you will lose it. You will fall into the same hole they're in. You will have to suffer just as much for them, and for yourself. You will lose all your energy and you will start to hate yourself. They will treat your body the way they treat their body. You will be made to hate yourself."

And even though I know plenty of people with dysphoria/dysmorphia and other bodily struggles absolutely won't do those sorts of things, I also know that projection is a thing. And considering how poor I am at boundaries and how I tend to adopt unhealthy relationship dynamics due to my avoidance, I know that it would just start a bad cycle for me. Even with all the empathy and understanding in the world, I simply cannot root myself in a situation that would cause me to loathe myself.

And again, in case this wasn't clear: this is absolutely not a statement about people with bodily confidence issues as a whole. I am not trying to villainize or demonize or moralize their experiences. That is markedly the opposite of what I intend here.

But it took a long time for me to get to this point in my self-awareness. And i wanted to share it because i want other people to be able to reach an understanding of themselves too, whatever that understanding might entail. Yeah, it's a little cliche, but our projections and fears about others can have a lot to do with our fears about ourselves. It's important to be self-aware, even if that doesn't immediately solve the problem(s).

I tend to really like confident people because of this. That attraction has it's own roots in confidence issues, and its own potential flaws. And until I can change my own avoidant anxiety, I'm going to find new ways to project my avoidance and shame onto others, regardless of whether they are confident or unconfident, dysphoric or not.

But, just because I'm projecting doesn't mean that I'm unworthy of boundaries. Even if my behaviors are unhealthy, even if I do need to work to change those things (and even though I actively want to change those things), it is still healthy for me to know my limits. It's healthy to know what triggers me. It's good for me to realize these things and step back, even if the relationship I'm leaving/not starting is arguably "good." (And that assumption is a whole other topic for another post.)

So, along with whatever other epiphanies you might have received from this read, here's my major takeaway that I want to leave you with:

Your boundaries are okay. Even if they're based in anxiety, even if they're based in unhealthy coping mechanisms, even if you want to change your unhealthy behaviors/mindset. Your boundaries do not need to pass any social justice or morality tests in order to be valid. Your boundaries do not have to "make you grow." Your boundaries are not bad, even if you feel like they keep you from being the best version of yourself.

The only way you can actually grow is if you respect yourself enough to respect and enforce your boundaries. The only way you can feel comfortable and happy and healthy is if you respect your boundaries.

So please do that for yourself. Please respect your boundaries. I know it's very hard, especially for people-pleasers. I know it's hard for you avoidant types. I know it's hard for those of us who mask and reflect.

But please, just a little bit at a time, respect yourself. Even if that means disappointing or hurting others with a "no."

And please, please, please surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and stand up for you. Of all the work I've tried to do alone, nothing compares to the effectiveness and growth I've experienced when I've been around radically affirming people — people who fought for my right to say no; people who defended my boundaries no matter what they entailed; people who stood up for my pronouns at work; people who validated my life experiences, labels, queerness, and questioning. It can be difficult to find people like that in real life, but please stay in the company of people who do that for you. Even if they're online. Stay near people who model self-respect for you. They will help you practice how to treat yourself.

—

[cheseyre]

good news, sluts! my brain's no longer being completely stupid (only mostly), i've seen the new asides and...have some thought-y thot thoughts:

*deep inhale*

Okay, first things first: this art style is soooo fucking cUTE and I'm a jealous, squealing bitch. Anyone who knows who the artist is, could you link me to them, stat? I think Thomas mentioned them at the beginning of the ep, but nYeh, brain hurt, doesn't wanna do wooork-

Okay, I'll admit, I was a little...apprehensive when I first saw the thumbnail and title. Part of it's just me being a bitter Remus Stan, but also...okay, deep breaths, controversial opinion time, get ready:

I don't ship Prinxiety.

Like, at all. 

I can see the appeal, and these dorks were so very, VERY cute in this particular ep, but I was honestly turned off by the ship long ago due to how overwhelmingly popular it is and how some fans characterize these two and treat this relationship as if it's the only valid one, y'know, the works—slight tangent, but that's also why I don't ship Logicality or Remile. I honestly vibe much better with ships like Roceit or Analogical, y'know?

Cutting in for another brief tangent: I'm surprisingly okay with Demus/Dukeceit/Receit/Trashnoodle/Whatever-Their-Ship-Name-Is-Oh-God-Why-Do-They-Have-So-Many-Fucking-Names; maybe it's cause they haven't actually interacted in canon and the fan content gives me such good Gay Disney Villain content, idk man im weird—).

Still, their interactions were both hilarious and sweet and like I said, I see the appeal, it's just not my cup of tea. y'all Prinxiety fans got fucking FED and I'm happy for you nerds. Enjoy ze happy boys!

I guess another factor in my...low-key hesitance when I first saw what the ep was about is that...okay, get ready, another controversial opinion, le gasp: well, I'm not a big Virgil fan. In fact, at times, he swaps places with Patton as my least favorite sides—especially with some of his recent behavior in eps like DWIT (the "prohibit your breathing comment" really triggered me, for example). Sometimes, his attitude, especially around other sides like Roman or Janus, reminds me a little too much of my sister, who I don't have...a very good relationship with. Add to that how the more...intense side of the fandom has a disturbing tendency to turn him into the 'uwu precious woobie emo baby who can do no wrong' while unnecessarily villainizing other CERTAIN sides in the process, and...I think you all see where I'm going with this little rant 😅

However, upon actually watching the ep, he wasn't...that bad? I don't think? I enjoyed watching him be a flustered, disaster-y mess and genuinely excited at the end, his interactions with Roman were nice enough, and him literally pushing Thomas to make a move with Nico despite his obvious panic attack was a nice moment of genuine character development. I like seeing that, that's the good shit right there. And him being all flustered and shit, and smiling so much at the end of the vid was just...well, adorable. This man has no fucking right to be this cute, my god

alsoooo 

pURPLE EYESHADOW

PURPLE EYESHADOW HE LOOKS?? SO GOOD?? WTF?? SLAY EMO, SLAAAAAAAY FUCK, DOES THIS MEAN I HAVE TO CHANGE MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME NOW?

alsoooo 

hAPPY ROMAN

YESSSSS~ MAH BOI MAH SON MAH DUMB BITCH HIMBO PRINCE MAH EXTRA MESSY CINNAMON ROLL

ITS  BEEN SO  LONG

AND HIS LITTLE HEART EYES THROUGHOUT THE VID, OH MY GOD-

IMMA JUST IGNORE THAT "ADDING [MISTAKE] TO THE LIST" COMMENT I AM LOOKING AWAY I DO NOT SEE IT LALALALALA

THOMATHY, SIR, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT MAKING THESE TWO GAY IDIOTS SO BAEBY

Okay, but Virgil not realizing that "cyberstalking in real life" is literally just stalking is both a big ass mood and further proof that, yes, Logan is indeed the only one holding the braincell out of this disaster of a lot. God help them all if he ducks out in the next ep.

👀

And Thomas x Trash Can is my new OTP.  I dub thee ✨ "Trashmas" ✨

we sTAN TRASHMAS

Wait, does that mean Remus actually WAS in the ep? Cause, y'know, trash man?

hmmm

👀 👀 

Okay, okay. 

With how much Virgil and Roman were going off about Thomas constantly lying, I was (understandably) a tad bit disappointed my snek son didn't even make a fucking cameo, but y'know what? In hindsight, I'm okay with this it's fineee~

He was just off playing with shadow puppets and stealing money from us desperate, content-starved peasants with his sheer extra-ness and, honestly? Gotta respect the hustle. 

Get that precious, precious coin, dapper snake! Wring us poor losers dryyyy!

*evil snek laugh*

Also, this is a breather ep and adding Janus in probably would've caused unnecessary drama with the Roceit breakup and the constant antagonism between Virgil and him. It probably would've distracted from the point of the ep (flirting with social anxiety, exactly what it says in the tin)—much like it wasn't really Virgil or Remus's place to show up during POF. Does that make sense? I think it makes sense. Sorry, brain going brr-

Still, I can't believe the "Fuck Janus Sanders" Club is actually canon now 😂

God, first Patton in a skirt and now this. 

Thomas Sanders, you delight in fucking feEDING this gremlin nest of a fanbase, don’t you? You RELISH our screams of joy and pain and suffering, dON’T YOU?

What's next, actual canonical Janus and Remus interaction? Patton saying the fuck word? The Dragon Witch comes back? Janus's bowler hat gains sentience and takes over the world, Doris-style? What do you have planned, Thomas? Joan? WHAT ART THOU PLANNING, I MUST KNOW YOU HEATHENS YOU FIENDS-

And Virgil's little "would it be fair to him" comment, tho.

👀

Like, I get in the context of the ep, he was likely talking about Nico and how it wouldn’t be good for a potential relationship with Tomas to be founded on lies, but still...my anxceit heart aches, man. 

Gimme that sweet, sweet angst with a side of mutual regret and possible future reconciliation and maybe something more wink wink nudge nudge on top, pls

...and fries.

Honestly, tho, that entire bathroom monologue was fucking beautiful, man. And relatable, too—i can't tell you how many times I've talked to myself in public restrooms because I just didn't know how to get the words I wanted to say out. It's...kind of embarrassing, tbh

Speaking of embarrassing, uh, crying stall guy.

Just...

Crying Stall Guy

Like, I was expecting someone to come out the bathroom stall after Thomas stopped talking, but...I honestly wasn't expecting that. God, that whole scene was so cringe worthy and fucking hilarious

Honestly, Thomas in the ep in general was a huge ass mOOD and we collective gay/bi disasters ALL related with him, and if you say you don't, you're either lying to yourself or a demon. 

There is no in between 

sorry I don't make the rules

Like, I get this series is literally a gay disaster talking to himself for thirty minutes or longer, but like- EMPHASIS on the 'disaster' part 😂

Like...Thomas, you're lucky you're such a goddamn bean, because GOD, I cringing so hard when he first started talking to Nico

Although, I too have apologized profusely for genuine mistakes and am a flustered bi mess around my crush sooo

😅

And god, Roman's "thirty = old man" jokes made me feel old...and I literally just turned twenty, like, come on, man!

Maybe that's because I was literally watching this ep after finishing my ACT and had been sitting with a bunch of high schoolers, with their tiny fucking desks and tiny fucking water fountains smeh

*clears throat*

Anyways, uh, we STAN Nico Pintrovert Florés in this house

Like

He gives me such big Carlos from WTNV vibes for some reason and this makes me sooo happy

and YESS, he's a WRITER

And he's??? So sweet?? A pure bean?? Just sits on his laptop at the mall food court all day, like a god-fucking iCON?? A Nightmare Before Christmas fan?? weARS GLASSES??

my hEART

*cries*

The fandom seems torn between "Nicomas" and "Karrot Kings" as a ship name atm—personally speaking, I'm casting my vote for the latter

*crosses fingers* please dont be another janus x remus multiple ship name issue guys, please please please I can't keep track of them all-

*clears throat*

On that note, I'm guess I'm gonna go try and whoo over my crush with carrots now. If THIS disaster can do it and make it actually fucking work, god damnit, so cAN I

Meanwhile, in hell, my brain's just screaming "CANON LOVE INTEREST CANON LOVE INTEREST CANON LOVE INTEREST-"

God, I hope Nico isn't just a one-shot character, he's too pure and Thomas and him are adorable gay Disney fans and I stan

Oh, I wonder how the other sides'll react to him.

Wait.

Oh god.

Oh god.

This ep just unleashed a new fresh hell of potential Nico x Sides ships, hasn't it?

Welp, time to prepare for ze incoming flood of fanfics, I guess. I'll get my umbrella and rain boots.

That last shot of Virgil during the endcard was so fucking ominous oh my god mom im scared can you come pick me up-

Goddammit, Thomas and Joan, I'm NOT fucking ready to be traumatized again, fUCK

I wish I wasn't a broke ass university student so I could contribute to Thomas's gloriously extra Patreon—both so I can support my favorite content creators who make this amazing blessed content and also, to join my boi Janus in fucking  destroying society by giving money to the people who actually deserve it, fuck YOU GOVERNMENT-

Okay. 

Okay. 

New headcanon time as to why Patton, Remus, and Logan weren't in the ep: they were helping Jan film that Patreon promotional video. 

Like

Remus directed it, Logan helped with the lighting and script, and Patton was just there as the cheerleader. 

The reason Janus made a dog with shadow puppets wasn't just to flaunt his deity status and prove how he is truly above us mere wretched mortals 

despite that being the absolute truth and we all know it, don't lie to yourselves

No, it was really him trying to do something cute and silly for Patton, because Moceit rights, daMMIT

*inhales*

noww 

guys, gals, and nonbinary pals

it’s time forr

the most wonderful time of the yearrr

WAITING FOR THE NEXT EPISODE

Step right up, folks! Hear ye, hear ye, my prediction for the next episode: Prinxiety v. Moceit! With special guest stars: Karrot Kings vibing in adorable gay and Intrulogical, bitter at being excluded aGAIN

Who will win? Who will lose? 

here’s a hint: we all will because in this sick twisted game they are no winners only losers-

Place your bets, folks! ✨

Haha im not readyyy~

tl;dr

this episode has cleared my skin, watered my crops, and ended my suffering—an adorable calm before the... angsty fucking shitstorm that’s coming far too soon. Prinxiety stans, enjoy your food. Place an 'F' in the chat for me and my fellow grieving Remus stans. Trashmas is the true OTP, but Karrot Kings is cute too I guess. I've only had Nico Florés for 24 minutes, but if anything happens to him, I'll kill everyone in this room and then myself. Purple eyeshadow Virgil makes me question my sexuality aGAIN, and happy gay disney prince rights y'all. Say a big ole 'fuck you' to capitalism by giving your local dapper snake moneys. Concussion makes brain go brr and imma go buy some carrots and be gay now.

psst hey @quarantinevibes2020​ you wanna join me in being disaster-y? i’ll bring my best gay stare and you bring the wine

Until next time, my lovelies! ~ Ches 🖤

[dvp95]

quiet on widow’s peak (5)

pairing: dan howell/phil lester, pj liguori/sophie newton/chris kendall rating: teen & up tags: paranormal investigator, mystery, online friendship, slow burn, strangers to lovers, nonbinary character, trans character, background poly, phil does some buzzfeed unsolved shit and dan is a fan word count: 3.3k (this chapter), 16.8k (total) summary: Phil’s got a list of paranormal experiences a mile long that he likes to share with the world. Abandoned buildings, cemeteries, and ghost stories have always called his name, and a particular fan of his has a really, really good ghost story.

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

"I don't know what I'm supposed to be looking at."

"Oh, for the love of - you're holding it upside down, Christopher, that's why you -"

"How is this my fault? Why don't you have your screen rotation enabled? ...I still don't know what the fuck this is a picture of."

"You are so - Phil. Hey, Phil? Hello?"

Long fingers snap in front of Phil's nose and he startles a bit, almost upending his hot chocolate all over the table. He gives PJ a reproachful sort of look, embarrassed about being caught zoning out.

"Hi, what," says Phil.

PJ glowers at him. "You can get his number later. Pay attention, you lump, this is your job."

"I wasn't," Phil starts to protest, but there's no real use in lying to PJ. He sighs and takes PJ's phone from Chris. "What are we arguing about? You got some photos?"

"Yes," PJ says. In his exasperation, he looks and sounds uncannily like a substitute teacher dealing with a group of kids that are being difficult on purpose. It's a little funny, but - PJ drove them here. Phil isn't going to risk getting abandoned for laughing at him.

Phil squints at the screen. He tilts his head to the side. He tilts the phone to the other side.

"I don't know what I'm looking at," he admits. "It just looks like graffiti to me, Peej, and that's not exactly unusual."

"Graffiti of what?" PJ presses.

"Geometry homework?"

Before PJ can scold him for not taking this seriously enough, Phil gets distracted by Winnie's sudden cackle. His head turns in the direction of the noise like a dog hearing a whistle, and PJ kicks him.

"I swear," PJ starts.

"Sorry," Phil says quickly, "it's just that - that's the person who sent us the essay on this place."

He doesn't expect subtlety from his friends, because he knows better, but he does have some hope in the back of his mind that immediately gets dashed when Chris claps his hands together excitedly, Sophie almost leans right off her chair trying to get a look at Winnie, and PJ stands up.

"What are you doing?" Sophie asks, but PJ is already taking his phone out of Phil's hand and walking to the counter.

Phil buries his face in his hands and watches through his fingers as PJ slides his phone over the counter and says, "Hey, uh - it’s Dan, right? Will you take a look at this for me?"

Winnie glances up from where they're wiping down the espresso machine and makes eye contact with Phil before they look at PJ. They smile, a little bemused, and pick up PJ's offered phone. They tilt it a couple of different angles with a frown. Phil can't help but notice how their hand covers the large phone with ease.

"See, Peej," Chris calls over. Their table isn’t far enough from the counter to justify the way he practically shouts it, but Phil has already given up on looking normal in front of Winnie. "None of us know what the bloody hell it is, just tell us!"

"They look like," Winnie says slowly, "sigils."

"That's exactly what they are," says PJ. He shoots a triumphant sort of look over his shoulder. Phil rolls his eyes. He doesn't understand why PJ had to make a whole production out of something that he could have texted them when they were still in the house.

With another little smile, Winnie hands PJ's phone back over. "Guessing that was in the Wilkins place?"

"It was," PJ says, sounding a bit distracted all of a sudden. "Sidebar, I really like your nails."

PJ wiggles the fingers on his left hand to show off his own gaudy, bright blue polish, and Winnie's smile widens. They've got such soft cheeks, indented with dimples that Phil wants to poke at.

As if they can hear Phil's thoughts, Winnie's eyes flicker over to him again.

They’re talking to PJ, and the conversation is loud enough for Phil to hear - in theory. The problem, of course, is that he keeps zoning out completely when the soft lighting catches the glitter high on Winnie’s cheeks or they gesture with their big, distracting hands. Phil could honestly not figure out if PJ and Winnie are talking about nail polish or the Wilkins house or some other topic entirely, because he’s too busy watching Winnie laugh.

This is definitely going to be a problem. Winnie isn’t a pretty boy, and Phil knows that, whatever his stupid gay monkey brain says when he looks at them. He can unpack whatever this pull of attraction means when he isn’t, technically, working.

“Why would there be sigils on the attic floor?” Phil asks, more to get his own brain on track than to interrupt whatever’s going on at the counter. He turns to Chris and Sophie, who shrug in eerie unison. “That’s weird, right? Maybe people are just bored and trying to scare the locals.”

“Or people are summoning spooky, scary things,” Chris suggests. He’s grinning wide and wiggling his fingers, so Phil has no idea if he’s being serious. Chris is always like that, riding the edge of sarcasm so far that Phil has known him for two years and yet doesn’t know for sure if the guy believes in ghosts or not.

PJ does. He doesn’t even pretend to be down to earth at the best of times, and listening to weird noises on Phil’s computer always gets him in peak conspiracy form.

“I think the better question is why did we have to leave right away?” Sophie hums, stirring her drink. She’s long since shucked off her jacket and curled up on the chair like she’s at home, firelight reflecting off her eyes and earrings. “Did he recognise them?”

“Bet he just freaked,” says Chris.

“Peej doesn’t freak.”

“Bet he did this time. Bet he went up into the attic and it was all spider-y and creepy and he freaked at the first sign of prior human life.”

“Sigils mean things,” Phil says, pulling out his laptop. “They’re not just random shapes.”

“They do, but they also are.”

Phil’s head jerks up at the sound of Winnie’s voice, suddenly so much closer. Winnie is standing awkwardly beside their table, in the process of taking Chris’ empty mug away, and their cheeks flush a soft rosy colour when they make eye contact with Phil.

“What do you know about them?” Chris asks, leaning forward in clear interest.

It takes a beat for Winnie’s eyes to leave Phil’s. “A bit,” they say.

PJ sets a new drink in front of Chris and ruffles Sophie’s curls as he sits down, and Phil wonders what they look like to a complete outsider. He’ll have to message Winnie later and ask what they think is going on here.

Maybe it’s easier if you don’t know them, actually. Maybe there’s a very simple answer that Phil is unable to see past all the strange noises he’s heard through the thin walls of the Brighton house and the cuddle piles he’s walked in on and the way Chris openly flirts with him at any given opportunity.

Phil doesn’t understand the look that passes between Chris and PJ. That’s nothing new, really, but something about this one unsettles him. He wants to know what they’re thinking, because if it’s something to do with Winnie, it feels like Phil has the right to know.

“Right,” says Chris. He’s got the sort of dubious expression that he usually reserves for when he’s asking if Phil ate the rest of the biscuits.

“What?” Phil asks.

“Nothing,” Chris says convincingly, giving Phil a winning smile. It’s always a little disconcerting to watch Chris pull up and discard personas as easily as if he were changing scarves. Something about it feels different to the way Phil gets when he retreats into himself and puts up his walls, because all Phil is ever trying to do is deflect, deflect, deflect, but Chris is more of an actor, and a good one at that. Phil doesn’t think he’s ever seen a side of Chris that wasn’t intentionally put there.

Sometimes he wonders how well he knows these people that he shares so much of his life with. He wonders how well they know him.

Phil turns back to Winnie to see if anything about the exchange made them uncomfortable, but they’ve gotten sufficiently distracted by Phil’s laptop screen. They snort and give Phil a sideways sort of glance.

“I don’t think that’ll get you very far, mate,” they say.

The Google search in front of Phil simply says ‘what sigils’.

“I wasn’t finished,” Phil huffs. He backspaces the question entirely and taps his fingers on the edge of his keyboard.

“Hi, I’m Sophie,” Sophie says in that soft, soothing voice of hers. She smiles up at Winnie. “The drink is delicious, thank you.”

“Oh, er,” Winnie says, clearly caught off-guard by the unexpected politeness. They bite their lower lip and shift from one foot to the other, still holding an empty mug to their chest. “You’re welcome. Had a lot of practice. You can call me Dan, if you like.”

They look to Phil when they say that, and Phil has to look away before those brown eyes draw him in again.

“Dan,” Phil says, because he can’t help himself. He wants to know how the name feels in his mouth and it’s a little strange, actually, how well it seems to fit there. He gestures across the table before he can start to overthink in public again. “Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum over here are Chris and PJ. And you know my name.”

“You’re Tweedle-Dum,” Chris informs PJ solemnly.

“Hi,” Dan says, giving them an awkward little salute.

“You seem to know more about this than we do,” Sophie says, gesturing at the empty chair at the head of the table. “Care to talk us through it? If you’re not too busy, that is.”

Dan raises their eyebrows and pointedly looks around the quiet, empty coffee shop. Their coworker has her headphones in and looks like she’s in danger of falling asleep against the cash register.

“I think I’ve got some time,” they say, dry, and set the empty mug down as they sit.

--

Twenty minutes later, and Phil is no closer to understanding the symbols scratched into the Wilkins attic floorboards. He learns several other things, like the theory behind chaos magic, the etymology of the word ‘sigil’, and, inexplicably, Dan’s opinion on impressionist art, but he doesn’t follow half of the paths that Dan’s rambling wanders down.

It’s cute to watch, at least. They get so worked up and gesticulate wildly, and it makes Phil wonder if they have any idea what they look like when they do that. He has to hold onto his mug to stop himself from mirroring the gestures.

Phil glances around at his friends to see if anyone is following this ‘explanation.’ Sophie’s got a little crease between her eyebrows and Chris is just looking at Dan, a little slack-jawed, but PJ is nodding along.

“Exactly,” PJ says when Dan pauses to take a breath.

“Fucking what?” Chris asks. Phil is unreasonably glad that he doesn’t have to be the one to say something. He’s just as lost as Chris is. “Sorry, but what the fuck? What did any of that even mean? Did I have a stroke halfway through that?”

Dan looks sheepish, the rosy patch on their cheek deepening and spreading until their whole face is pink. Phil finds himself fascinated by it, but he really doesn’t want Dan to feel like they’re being annoying or anything when they’re just being kind of helpful and very cute. Their teeth dig into their lower lip again, and Phil idly wonders if Dan has ever heard of chapstick. The shiny lip product they’re wearing doesn’t seem to be helping with the dryness the way Phil would have expected it to.

“Sorry,” they say, suddenly much quieter. They link their fingers together like they’re stopping themself from talking with them again. “So, it’s like… you can’t really look up what these mean, because that’s not how sigils work. They’re not runes or, like, Gallifreyan, there’s no dictionary out there telling you what every sigil ever means. The person who creates them is the one who makes them up, like…”

They pull a small notebook out of their apron and Phil hands over a pen from his bag without thinking twice. Dan gives him a small smile, still seeming embarrassed now that they’ve been confronted with Chris’ blunt confusion.

The notebook is full of small doodles and indecipherable bullet points when Dan flips through it to find an empty page. Phil is surprised by how much he wants to look closer, but he’s got this pull in his stomach that he’s pretty sure has been there since he first heard Dan laugh. He wants to know Dan better. It’s been a long time since he wanted to know anyone at all, because, well, Phil and new people are very un-mixy things.

Phil and his friends all lean closer to watch as Dan taps the pen against the page thoughtfully. “Okay,” they say, “one of you, tell me something you want in your own life.”

“I want a dog,” Sophie says immediately.

“Me too,” Dan grins, their dimples on full display. “What kind of dog?”

“Small. Definitely fluffy. I don’t really mind about different breeds or anything.”

“Okay,” says Dan. They write SOPHIE HAS A SMALL FLUFFY DOG THAT SHE LOVES at the top of the page in block letters. “You don’t say you want something, you say you have it already. I’m guessing you guys have heard about speaking things into existence? It’s kind of like that.”

This whole system is foreign to Phil, but having a visual is helping a lot. “How does that become what PJ found in the attic?” Phil asks, curious.

“First, you take out the vowels,” PJ is the one to say. Dan gives PJ a bright smile that has Phil feeling a pang of something he doesn’t have a name for. “Then all the double letters. It breaks the sentence down into just a few consonants, right? That way you can use them as a kind of base, I think.”

“That’s exactly right,” says Dan. “At least, as far as I know? Like, I don’t know every type of sigil and method of creating them that’s ever existed or anything, I just get lost in Wikipedia sometimes.”

Underneath the first sentence, they write SPH HS SMLL FLFFY DG THT SH LVS, and then S P H M L F Y D G T V under that. The breakdown is a lot easier for Phil to follow than just listening to Dan ramble, as long as he doesn’t get too distracted by Dan’s long fingers around the pen.

“‘Y’ is a vowel,” says Chris.

Dan shrugs. “This is just an example, anyway. So then you’re supposed to make the sigil out of the base letters, like -”

They sketch out a couple of messy attempts, their tongue poking between their teeth in concentration, and Phil is fascinated by watching the letters get more and more abstract until they resemble something like a single image.

It doesn’t look exactly like the ones on the floorboards, but Phil thinks that’s probably some combination of artistic liberty and individual thought patterns on how letters can fit together into a single symbol. PJ holds his hand out for the pen and draws his own take on the same sigil, and the rounded preciseness of his lettering next to Dan’s spiky, symmetrical finished product is really interesting to look at.

“Then you’re supposed to forget it and activate it,” PJ informs the table. “Although that order doesn’t make much sense to me.”

“That’s really cool,” Sophie says softly, reaching out to press her fingers against PJ’s sigil.

“It is cool,” Dan agrees. “But that’s what I mean - they are random, in a way. You’re never going to be able to look at those sigils and, like, reverse-engineer them until they have a meaning.”

“Which is exactly why I needed to get out of there,” PJ says, more triumphantly than Phil thinks he has any right to. Yeah, this is interesting and everything, but Phil doesn’t think it proves anything at all. “Because who knows what someone summoned into that place!”

Dan snorts. They look up at PJ through those long, dark eyelashes and give him such a skeptical look that Phil has to hold back laughter. “Nobody summoned anything, mate,” they say. “This is a load of rubbish, same as any other type of ‘magic’. I just think it’s fun to read about when I can’t sleep.”

The look of absolute betrayal on PJ’s face sends Phil over the edge, and he’s laughing before he can stop himself.

“Okay, okay,” Phil says between giggles. “This isn’t a debate forum. You two can argue about this later. So we kind of know what the symbols are but also we don’t, and they’re more or less a dead lead. What I am hearing is that PJ did, in fact, get freaked.”

“Ha!” Chris crows. He sticks his palm out towards Sophie, leaning into PJ’s personal space to do so. “Pay up, Newts.”

“I didn’t make a bet. You did.”

“Still! I won!”

PJ smacks at Chris’ hand and scowls around the table. “I didn’t freak. I don’t freak. I just think we should be on alert in a place that is covered in creepy sigils that could do anything at all to us and our environment.”

“There’s nothing they could do,” Dan says, seemingly unable to help themself. “They’re doodles.”

“We shouldn’t be there without some kind of protection,” PJ insists.

“What d’you suggest?” Phil hums, already typing up some notes for future Phil to look at later. He knows he’ll forget something core if he doesn’t do it now. “Holy water? I don’t know any priests.”

He’s teasing, just a little bit, because PJ’s steadfast determination to live on a planet where impossible things happen every day is very funny.

“No, that’s for demons,” Chris pipes up, cheerful and half-sarcastic as always. “These are witches!”

“You’re the demons,” PJ says flatly.

Phil reaches across the table and pats PJ’s hand without looking away from his screen. “If it’ll make you feel better, you can Sharpie some protection sigils on us before we go in next time. I need to see the attic for myself, but I definitely got a weird vibe just being in that place.”

“Dan,” the girl behind the counter calls over. She’s long given up on pretending to work at all, and has been watching something on her phone the entire time that Dan’s been talking to them, but Dan still startles like they’ve been caught out doing something they shouldn’t. “Sorry, but it’s quarter to. We gotta start closing up.”

“Right, yeah,” Dan says, sounding a little flustered. They stand up and start collecting all the empty mugs on the table. When they reach Phil’s mostly-full hot chocolate, they raise an eyebrow.

“I don’t really like hot chocolate,” Phil admits. He gives Dan a little grin. “Maybe I’ll come back tomorrow and try the coffee?”

He can only imagine what his friends’ expressions look like right now. He doesn’t bother checking, even when Dan’s pretty eyes flick over to them momentarily.

“Okay,” says Dan. Their shiny, chapped lips stretch into a wide smile. “I won’t be working, actually, but… I can stop by if you guys - I dunno. Want another set of eyes? Ones that don’t jump immediately to ghosts and witches, perhaps?”

“Sure,” Phil agrees before his friends can give their input on the matter. “I’ll message you.”

Dan ducks their head in a surprisingly shy gesture for a person who takes up so much physical space. Their eyelids glitter like their cheeks, their nails, their lovely eyes, and Phil might be a little screwed, here.

[sheriffofmagic]

Could you give reasons why you watch the Magnus Arhcives? I really want to get in it but i dont know what im looking at and this seems like a good chance for you to go off

you're giving me too much power here but i absolutely will Go Off about this

so (some) reasons why i love the magnus archives

it's super well written. the individual statements all have such unique tones and characters. they're really enthralling and immersive and creepy. there's such a clear difference between the dialogue writing and the statements and it just adds a whole other level. and then the writing from a meta standpoint is also really well executed. hints and details are everywhere and nearly everything has meaning. things just come together in a very satisfying way that i really enjoy in a story.

it's a story with a plan. that's always something i value. a story that has a set ending that it's aiming for, one that may change as the story evolves but knows where it's headed. when i found out early on that they had a 5 season plan from the very beginning i was delighted because that's the kind of story i like.

honestly i really like the pacing. a lot of people think it's slow and that's fair but i really like that we get immersed in the world first before the meta-plot actually takes off. we get to know the characters and the conflict at a natural pace so you always feel like you understand why a character is doing what they're doing even if it's dumb. plus it makes the payoffs that much better because you've agonized over it.

this show is the first podcast that's made me think about sound design outside of just music and it's genuinely incredible. they do fantastic work.

i could do a whole post just about the characters but seriously the characters in tma are amazing. they're all super complex, not just the main cast but even the one-off characters for the statements. jonny may not be good at coming up with names but he's masterful at constructing whole personalities. and not just the characters being interesting or likeable but the way they evolve over the course of the show is so fun to hear (even when it hurts). it all feels natural. (im trying to be vague because i could legitimately make a whole separate post just about this topic)

to branch off of that.... i really love the female characters in this show. they're all incredibly distinct and complicated people and that's something a value a lot in any character but especially in female characters. again i could do a whole post about them.

the horror? i don't usually consider myself a big horror fan. mostly because i don't like jump scare-filled slasher movies/games. but i really love the horror in this. it's engaging and scary without relying on just being gross or taboo. (though there is gross stuff don't get me wrong, it's just not gross for the sake of being gross)

the comedy is great. this show can get dark. like really dark sometimes. so the moments of genuine positive emotions and especially humor hit really well especially if you read the transcripts along with it because some of the stage directions in there are hilarious.

there's rep! i'm not gonna spoil anything here but if you've seen my tma posts you might have a clue. there's both main, recurring, and one-off characters that are lgbt. (though i will say if you're looking for trans or nonbinary rep this show has uhhh basically none which is :/)

the voice acting is *chefs kiss*. some people have a hard time with jon's Bitch Voice in the first season when he reads statements and like... i can see why people would feel that BUT one of the personal highlights of listening for me is hearing how his tone changes over the course of the show (especially in how he interacts with other people 👀). and not just jon everyone in the cast is stellar. if you don't fall in love with martin the first time you hear his voice i don't know what to tell you

there's so much more i could say but i've gone on for way too long already. obviously, this show isn't perfect and not everyone will love it as much as i do. but it's really, really good and i highly suggest that anyone with an interest at least give it a shot. thank you for your time lmao

[werevulvi]

I feel like I should get deeper into my choice to take on the nonbinary label. Is it based on misogyny? Yes. Absolutely, yes. But a woman simply protecting herself from misogyny is not complicit in the misogyny that she is forced to face. Radical feminists should know that, I think. However, I realise that I may have missed to communicate that clearly. Allow me to try better, and dig deeper into my wounds.

Identifying as nonbinary does give me a sense of relief, a sense of wholeness - a relief to be whoever I want and feel allowed to just exist as my authentic self, free from either fucked up gender stereotype, thgose of both men and women - which might sound good on the surface level... but looking deeper, through my radfem eyes, what it means, is this: Why do I feel like I cannot be my authentic self as a woman, all of a sudden? There we have it, the big bleeding wound in my heart, and that's what I feel a need to elaborate on. I'll stay out of the nonbinary tag this time. This isn't for them. (Although anyone can reblog, comment or give a like.) What do I actually want, for myself, if it wasn't for society? I wish to continue transitioning. I wanna go back on testosterone as I deeply miss it and I'm panicking about my body hair thinning out and decreasing. I do not want to lose it for the world! I'm holding onto every single one of my vanishing hairs, for dear life! At the same time, I still wish to get new boobs. I still miss them sorely and I just need to have those kinda body parts again. I feel broken without boobs, I panic without T. I cannot explain it. It's weird alright, but I don't give a fuck! Without societal imput that's just how I want to look and love looking like. It's just body mods. At core, that's what it is: just body modifications. You know that as radfems - I know it just as well.

I love my body when it's masculinised yet retaining all of my originally female parts, such as curves, breasts and my pussy. That makes me feel very positively connected to my body; so to the point that it makes me feel entirely at peace with that I'm female, and very comfortable with that it makes me a woman. But I cannot be okay with being female if I had to be a traditional looking woman, or even a butch-looking woman. That is not ME, neither of those would be my authentic self. So, my medical transition deeply matters to me, as body mods, and I will not walk away from that. I believe that continuing my medical transition while still honouring my female body and womanhood is what is right for me personally. I understand that there is an issue with the beauty industry affecting me too, but I'm clearly not making myself beautiful for men - nor am I making myself ugly for them. What I'm doing is making myself beautiful for me, in an unconventional way, even though it makes me also ugly for most other lesbians. Can you understand then, from that perspective, how deeply important it is for me, that I willingly make such a sacrifice? (I'm already in a happy lesbian relationship, so maybe you can't, but alright.) I do not believe that I mod myself out of self hate. Not anymore, because I did in the past, and I believe that I can tell the difference between living as a man while actively attempting to escape one's female biology - and living as a male-passing woman while actively honouring my beautifully modified female body. You may think I'm mutilated, but I'd disagree. I am beautiful and my high self-esteem greatly surpasses such rudeness.

Is a heavily tattooed woman self-hating for her mods? I don't know what you may think, but if not, then neither am I with my beard and deep voice and future fake tits. An intentionally virilised (fancy word for masculinised, I like it quite a lot), modified woman is what I am, want to be and remain as. I do not have any "social dysphoria" accompanying my body/sex dysphoria since I recovered from my traumas, and thus I feel no need or wish what so ever to call myself a man, and I feel good calling myself what is true in science: female, girl, woman, she/her, lady, ma'am, miss, etc.

I believe that I have somehow managed, against all odds, with the help of radfems on tumblr... to balance transitioning my dysphoria with being a self-loving biological woman. Thank you for that. So what's the catch? I mentioned misogyny. Well, socially, as a male-passing, yet suspiciously curvy and overtly effeminately styled person - I have effectively lost my right to be a woman outside of radblr. I want you to understand this, especially other radfem's, so please listen carefully if you've got a few minutes, because this is important, as it absolutely has to do with both female oppression as well as trans ideology bullshit (and I'll try not to scream this time, but I can't make any promises, because this is deeply painful and upsetting to me.) Can't women take testosterone and like it and still be women? That's what's so complicated, and I need to be upfront and clear about why. Technically, yes of course that is possible. No one can or should stop women from taking T if they truly want a beard and permanently deep voice, right - but is it possible socially? No, in my experience it is not, and I will now try my best to explain to you what I mean by that, as it's kinda abstract. There are two aspects to this. Firstly, any female person claiming to want those physical features is going to be told that they then cannot be a woman. They are told that is incorrect thinking, that they are a trans man or nonbinary, that they have internalised transphobia or that they are indeed a "cis" woman but confused and should NOT take testosterone, implying that will make her dysphoric if she really is a woman. Because trans ideology says so.

Secondly, living as a male-passing woman who does not want to pass as female, was something that I found to be so difficult in practice that eventually it became too much for me. It isn't dysphoria-inducing, not at all. But it's very, very frustrating and constantly challenging. I can no longer access women's spaces so I have to put up with using the men's including locker rooms, convincing people of my still female sex is next to impossible (even doctors!), other women view me as a threat and an imposter, I'm frequently barred from lesbian spaces unless my girlfriend invites me to them first, I am frequently mistaken for being a poorly passing trans woman, and so on.

I'm effectively forced to either live as a trans woman (which I'd feel is degrading, untrue, and deceptive) or to claim a transmasculine label to at least be able to infer that I'm "afab" - but a WOMAN? No. Woman, in the eyes of society as it is today - cannot be a happily male-passing, dysphoric female. That is deemed an oxymoron. Gender has taken presendency over sex. People assume, wrongfully, that my "gender identity" is woman - and they assume, just as wrongfully, that my sex is male - and they make both those assumptions at once. They then refuse to accept that they are wrong, no matter how hard I have tried to explain it, over and over ad nauseum. I don't even understand why that keeps happening!

Therefore, I've come to the sad conclusion that I'm simply no longer welcome into society as a woman, based on my choice of looks, as I am indeed happily transitioned and do not wish to change what testosterone improved on my body. I completely refuse to. Not to be dramatic, but... I'd rather fucking die. My body is not a property of society. It is MY property. My ONLY true property. And I'll decorate it however I so damn well please. But what can I do about it, being treated like that? Realistically, in actuality, what CAN I possibly do about it? Honestly, not much. I can either suck it up and "admit" to being a man, or I can fight endlessly and keep explaining how I'm really a woman, or choose some kinda middle-road like nonbinary, but I cannot win that fight. Perhaps (hopefully) radical feminism can, but me, as a single, individual person? No, I cannot win that battle. I stand defenseless against a massive army, and that enemy has worn me out. I have essentially lost my right to be a woman, by being my authentic self. That is very, very sad. It scares me, it honestly mortifies me, but I have to deal with it somehow. I can't just slump down and cry about it, no matter how tempting that is.

I do not think that my experience with this is entirely unique. I believe I probably share it with tons of other gnc and/or male-passing women, but I am new to this.

I'm 30 years old, and have only lived as a male-passing woman for one and a half year. I grew up as a typically feminine girl, dysphoric about my sex traits, but never dysphoric about my feminine expression. My gnc mom taught me well, to separate sex from gender expression, and I thus never confused the two as I see sooo many other gnc and trans people do. I do not blame them, because so many people infer that my femininity=woman and my masculinity=man and that the sum of my whimsical androgyny equals nonbinary. But I cannot, do not, WILL NOT and have never in my life... seen it that way. However, big however, I STILL turned out dysphoric about my sex, despite being a happily feminine female, and lesbian at that, and that is something few seem to understand. I get that, I totally do. It's probably rare. Just see for yourself how empty the "dysphoric femme" tag is. Yes, it exists, with a whole whopping three posts. And I struggle to explain it.

It's very hard for me to live as a male-passing woman because it is entirely new for me and I'm struggling to adapt to facing this extreme level of misogyny. I break down from it, I do not know how to handle it. Perhaps most gnc/dysphoric women have lived with that crap since they were young tomboys, but I haven't, because I was never a tomboy. I suppose it will get easier, as much else does, and that is why I'm pretty sure that me using the nonbinary label now is only going to be temporary. Because I do not know how to deal with this. I'm sorry... I'm sorry for breaking down and admitting defeat, I'm so fucking sorry. I just want to be treated with the dignity and respect that I give to others, or at least just an ounce of politeness. So am I actually nonbinary, then, genderwise? No, I am not. Neither my choice of gender roles, nor my androgynous blob of a personality, not even my strange dysphoria is evidence of a nonbinary gender. If that’s how others see it: fine, but I cannot force myself to actually believe that THAT's what makes me nonbinary... No matter how much I keep getting that forced down my throat. All I do is choke on it. What I am is a woman, sex-wise, as I've always stated. Me taking on the nonbinary label is indeed a choice. A reluctant, but very deliberate, active choice.

Problem is that I cannot live authentically while at the same time calling myself what I literally am, without getting brutally punished for it. Yes, I believe the ones to blame for that... are the TRA's. Trans activism slowly changed society to overlook sex in favour of gender. I believe that is why I am being denied my womanhood, because it is based on my invisible sex. If you look clearly female in your day-to-day life, I do not think that you could possibly experience this. To clarify: I do not mind passing as male. In fact I like it quite a lot. What I do mind, is being treated like crap for who I am, and not being believed to be what I am. I had no idea that this would happen upon my detransition. I am shocked, and I am hurt. End notes: I wish that someday I can truly reclaim my womanhood, without having to change my body to fit societal standards, or claim a trans label to dodge the societal standards. I miss my womanhood, and I need it... but it has been snatched from my hands. The enemy won't let me have it back, unless I comply to the rules and (sell my soul to the patriarchy) turn myself into a conventionally attractive barbie doll - and my attempts to reclaim it without complying to those rules, are utterly futile. I am an incorrect female... deprived of my right to be a woman, and it hurts. Man, it hurts sooo bad!

Honestly I don't know what to do about it, but for now I need a breathing break from this constant battle, because my enemy has exhausted me. "Nonbinary" is such a breathing break. It is my retreat, but I will NOT surrender. Someday I will charge back into battle again, and shove down people's throats that I'm damn well a woman regardless of what they think of it. Because this bearded bitch ain't fucking dead yet!!!

[cat-vase]

Tim has DID 2.0

This is a better version of this post

Before I start I want to say that I do not have DID!! However! I try to do my research and I do not want to promote stereotypes/misinformation about DID! But!! If I say something that’s otherwise wrong or offensive please please PLEASE tell me!!!! I will fix it!!!

There would be fictives because they’re incredibly valid but I don’t watch many things, so... I can’t do that. I’m so scared about posting this, the only reason it’s under a cut is because it’s long, tell me if I need to add any warnings or anything because I’m kind of blind to that sort of stuff, okay here it goes!

I don’t think they would have a system name because they don’t feel the need for one and they have awful communication (they only communicate through notebooks. Any progress they made was wiped out due to Marble Hornets happening), but it would be The Crescendo System if they did because music is important to them!

Timothy (Tim/(Patient)1621/MDCXXI): 

The core and a host! 

Is the same age as and looks like the body

Sad lumberjack aesthetic 

Has DID (obviously), Schizophrenia, Insomnia, Depression, and PTSD 

Used to have Trichotillomania as a kid but has since gotten over it, he still tugs at his hair a lot though

Majored in music in college! He likes string instruments the best!

Is the main alter who went through Marble Hornets 

Is very good at hiding things 

Panics at loud/unexpected noises 

Forgets to take care of himself a lot (either that or he doesn’t care enough to)

Scared of the dark 

Counting calms him down, he likes routine 

Gay, in love with, and in a relationship with Brian!

Has a cat! Her name is Quark! She’s a brown Maine Coon!

Knows Latin due to learning it in Jemison Center (the mental hospital he was in as a kid)

He’s trying his best, but his best isn’t enough apparently :(

Arcane (Ark/Masky/MDCXXI): 

Used to be a host, but isn’t anymore due to being negatively affected by The Operator

Has always been a protector, but now goes to the extreme and attacks anyone he sees as a threat (which is almost everyone) 

Static eyes!!

Likes his face to be covered, hence the mask and Tim covering his face whenever he gets nervous/scared 

The tan jacket is a comfort object for him

Also went through Marble Hornets. Even though he wasn’t fronting for the majority of it, he was affected the most by it (which is why he doesn’t speak much anymore and is so violent, hence being repressed now and force fronting a lot)

Gives off a very angry, feral forest cryptid/animal energy 

Used to be a couple years older than Tim, but now doesn’t seem to have an age (ageless)

Oliver (Oli/Ollie/Olly):

A little (around 7) and a memory holder! 

Is the only alter that remembers positive things Janet Wright (their mom) did

His favorite colors are green and orange, but he will throw up if you give him an actual orange (the fruit). He’s not allergic, the smell is just… bad

His actual favorite fruit is strawberries!

Very extroverted! Loves meeting new people! Incredibly optimistic and only sees the good in people!

Tries his best to be nice and please people, but this leads to him getting frustrated a lot whenever people don’t get what he’s doing 

Hoards stuffed animals!

Scribbles on the walls a lot 

Overalls and sweaters are comfy!! He also has glasses 

Scared of thunderstorms (not just because of the loud thunder, but because of the lightning too)

Also scared of the dark 

Hush:

A teenager, probably around 13

Another protector 

His name is incredibly ironic because all he does is yell at and fight back against authority (unless he’s brooding because silence is nice sometimes but the world is still awful)

Can and will throw down and stab you if you yell at him 

Would rather die than take their prescription medication 

Lowkey an alcoholic and smokes because Tim does (bad influence!)

Very sneaky! He’s able to steal things incredibly easily and never gets caught!

Likes fire a little too much 

Likes to climb and carve things into trees

Knows Latin like Tim does!

Likes to write down everything in journals he hides in the ceiling 

Has a passion for music/instruments like Tim does 

Is able to survive alone in the middle of the woods (and has before)

Would probably own a black leather jacket and chains if they weren’t poor

Went dormant after they got into college, but came back after Marble Hornets (once they were in the mansion). Knows absolutely nothing about what happened during that time 

K.M.:

A persecutor, and possibly an introject of their abuser (Lee)

Doesn’t care enough to give his age, but is an adult  

If it wasn’t Tim or generally being reckless, it was him who caused a scar 

100% an alcoholic, and it’s incredibly bad due to the fact that they shouldn’t drink because they’re on a bunch of prescription medication

Will flirt with anyone (hypersexual)

Reckless, chaotic, self-destructive. That’s… about it  

Samantha:

Cis girl (she/her) and a caretaker! 

Same age as Tim, probably 

Very motherly to other people 

Has wavy, long, brown hair 

She likes to play the piano and likes photography!

Exudes a very calming/soothing aura 

Her favorite season is fall because of the pretty leaves and the steady rainfall and how it slowly starts to get dark out earlier 

Loves Tim’s cat!

Favorite colors are pink and light blue 

Has an interest in witchcraft/the Wiccan religion 

When their nails are painted (besides black), it’s a clear sign she fronted 

Likes to be outside and get flowers for indoors!

Tries to organize their living space when she fronts, and also tries to help with anything they need to do (take medication, take a shower, eat, clean or bandage any wounds)

Did front during Marble Hornets a bit. Mainly in the hotels whenever things were especially rough. She tried to make things a little bit better, even if she didn’t actually know who the man in the room with her (Jay) was 

Latet:

Agender (they/them), ageless, no one knew they existed until now 

Their name means “lurks” in Latin 

They found out Latet existed due to camera footage in the mansion (they stared into the camera for hours with emotionless eyes, not speaking and writing down codes, before turning it off) 

Likes their face to be covered with masks. Preferably black ones, but occasionally steals Ark’s and Ann’s 

Unknown if they are mute, or just don’t choose to speak/hasn’t spoken yet 

Unknown if they are the one who appeared in the ToTheArk footage instead of it being Ark

Eli (Bug):

Another little! Around 8 or 9!

Likes to be called Bug as well as his real name Eli because he likes the outdoors and mud and trees and gross insects 

Will be found more outdoors than in

Has definitely tried to eat things he’s not supposed to (dead animals or just… things that are inedible like crayons)

Likes to be around people too, but less so than Oli 

Rain boots, maybe a raincoat, and… probably overalls like Eli too, honestly, just a lot dirtier 

Likes to learn about animals!! The more slimy and dangerous the better!! Weird, freaky, smelly plants are ok too!

Does not listen when people tell him to do things, and will throw a fit if he’s not allowed to do something he wants to do 

 Emily (Em):

Demigirl/nonbinary (she/they), a teenager (around 16)

Punk/scene, probably wears a jean jacket and definitely has a neon green pixie cut 

Lots of bracelets!! Maybe Kandi ones?

Rebellious/doesn’t care, yet at the same time is productive? 

More accurate description: is productive when she wants to be 

Because she does want to help! I swear! But other times it’s just… too much work. No. She’s not doing that. 

Follows her own agenda, which is either apathy or slightly chaotic, but hey, she’s more productive than almost everyone else, give her credit where credit is due 

Also kind of likes to play with fire

Black nail polish is a clear sign she fronted 

[mythologymonsterlover]

Male! Akhult lover pt.2

The story continues with the aftermath of pt.1, and how everything will turn out is still but a mystery for the main two protagonists of the story...

Warning: Cussing, blood

Nonbinary reader X Male monster

The ground became soaked with warm blood as it poured out the creature's neck, making it feel like I was laying in a pool. The beast that lay before me had it lifeless eyes staring back into mine, and all I could feel in its eyes was rage. So much rage in fact, it would kill anything that got in its way. 

What a sad life to live. 

On the other hand the creature that saved me, laid their panting as it look out far into the distant fields. A couple of times, it looked back at me but seem to always looked away. I don’t know what it was thinking, but it looks like it was waiting for me to make a move. Maybe, it wanted me to run off screaming so it could rip my neck out like it did to the other one. Yet, staying on this ground wasn’t something that was gonna save me, since it was my other option for death in the end. 

“Shit…” I finally realized it was over for me either way, so with little contemplation now I got up slowly. The creature turned its massive head at me at that moment, and I stayed still. It seemed to be waiting for me to keep going, but I wasn’t ready for the damn thing to eat me alive just yet. We locked eyes for what seemed like an eternity until it slowly lifted itself and walked toward me. 

I might already be dead.

 I don’t want to die, but as it gets closer and closer I knew it was over. It came face to face with me, and all I could do was think about my life so far, and if I was happy with the person I became. I couldn’t say I was totally happy with myself, but I made it by each day. I did my best to be a capable person, and even when my father kicked me off on the street, I survived without him with Frank’s help.

It was a shitty life that had bumps in it.

I was broken, and as I looked into the eyes of this creature, I thought maybe something better was waiting for me if I died today. 

The mythical being before me though took it’s sweet time in ending my life, and at this point I didn’t like that one bit. 

Why wasn’t it moving it face from me, did it need me to spin around for it to decide it was ready to kill?

I didn’t even like my way of thinking anymore, so calmly as I could I stood all the way up and looked at it with confusion.

It didn’t react in the way I imagined, and just sat on it hind legs while letting out a sigh. It seemed to lose interest, and just turned around and began walking towards the car. It looked back at me though, and to my astonishment, motioned with it head for me to follow. Was I gonna follow this massive terrifying creature? I wasn’t sure. Yet as I hesitantly looked back behind me and such, it let out another sigh and walked toward me again. I stayed still as it come around behind me and push my behind to move forward.

“A-ah hey..” 

I protest weakly, but it kept nudging me to move. 

With little to no other choices now, I began walking to the direction it was guiding me towards. Like I thought, it wanted me to head for the car. As we got to it, the creature came from around me and crawled into the broken window that I smashed. It was scrimmaging for something, and when it found what it was looking for it came back out. I stood their shaking from the cold as it carried something in it’s big jaws toward me. It nudged my hand for me to take what was in its mouth, and I nervously held out my hands. The object plopped in my left hand covered in saliva, and I had to wipe it all away to get a clear look at what it was. When I cleaned off the thick saliva enough, I realized it was my cell phone. Surprised, I look up at the strange monster as it sat on his bottom while it’s weird Orca-dog like tail wagged silently. Urgently, I began typing in Frank phone number for help, and as it was ringing on my end, the monster walked away to the back of the truck. I couldn’t see it anymore, but I couldn’t care less since the thought of being rescued was better. I began worrying that Frank might not pick up the phone until I heard him say, “Hello?”

With so much relieve that I wanted to cry at that moment, I instead let out a groan.

“Hey Frank, I’m in big trouble right now..”

“What happened, are you alright?” 

“I’m alive somehow, but I don’t feel like talking about it...I need you to pick me up, can you do that?”

Frank seemed to be processing a moment, but thankfully said, “sure.”

I thanked him while holding tears back in my eyes, and hung up.

“Who did you call?” 

I almost jumped out of my shoes as I turned around to see...Yutu. 

“W-wha…” 

I couldn’t say anything as I looked at him dumb strucked at seeing him alive. It was definitely the same Yutu I knew, but he was covered in bruises and wrapped in a blanket. I reflexively grabbed for his hand, and then the other, only to see that

both where still intact. How was that even possible? He should be…

“How the hell did you survive? I thought it killed you, and-“

I was stammering non stop until Yutu brought a finger to my lips to silence me. I looked at him beseechingly for answers, and he looked right back with his signature resting bitch face.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I was the other creature that...protected you. I was the Akhlut who killed the other..”

I moved away from him confused, and honestly couldn’t wrap my head around what he just said.

“Wait, wait. Are you saying your a... a Akhlut?” 

I was baffled and scoffed at the thought that Yutu was some imaginary creature.

He looked away from me, knowing full well that I didn't believe him in the slightest.

“Yutu, tell me the real reason you're alive. Your not a damn Akhlut; that’s bullshit.”

He shook his head, and reached out grabbing my shoulder.

“I know it sounds crazy, but what do you think tried to kill us a moment ago?” 

I felt like I was losing my mind, and I tried to protest against the idea of this being reality.

“I-I don’t know, I deformed bear or something, and we got to close to its territory..” 

Yutu didn’t shift his gaze and kept looking at me without saying a word.

I felt uncomfortable by his nearness and sharp look in his eyes. 

I backed away to avoid furthering the discussion. He notice undoubtedly that I was done and did the same thing as he wrapped his blanket closer to his body. 

“Why are you even naked?” I say under my breath somewhat embarrassed, since I could somewhat make out the form of his body.

 “transformation causes my clothes to rip off.”

“Right,” I said sarcastically while running my hand over my face, still not believing this was happening to me.

We stayed quiet, and far apart from one another for what seemed like an hour. Yutu was the first to turn his head towards the familiar car that picks me up every morning. The car drove down the embankment, and Frank rushed out of the car to where I was.

“Jesus!”

Frank exasperated at the sight of the flipped over car, not believing the damage.

I didn’t want to worry him, but I gave him a big hug, and let some tears fall down my cheek from the near death experience.

…

As we all entered into Frank's car, the unnerving air between Yutu and I felt denser in more ways than one. Frank tried a couple of times to ask what happened, and all Yutu would say was, “Bear.”

I tried to speak up to tell my side of the story, but Yutu gave me a pleated stare while holding a finger up to his lips once again. I froze for a moment since I didn’t want to listen to Yutu, but I did think it was a bear anyway. Confused by not knowing the exact truth I focused my eyes back to Frank, and said what I thought.

“It was a huge bear.”

After we explained to Frank, we all decided we should chill out for the rest of the night, and call for a towing company tomorrow to pick up Yutu’s truck. 

Frank asked us if we needed to go to the hospital frantically now, but we both muttered we were fine. I was the first to be dropped off, and when we pulled into my apartment’s complex I gave frank a big hug, and when I turned to look at Yutu he gave me a farewell nod. Yet, I couldn't just end things like how they were tonight. I needed to know the truth. 

“Yutu, can I talk to you privately please?” I said calmly, and they both looked at me with raised eyebrows, but I ignored it and just turned to Frank.

“I’ll get him home later, alright? Thanks for everything.” 

Frank was about to protest but I didn't wait for him to continue, as I got out and went over to Yutu’s door. I open it and grabbed his hand, and thankfully he did not resist. 

We both walked toward my apartment, and I turned around to wave my hand one last time at Frank. He nodded his head hesitantly like he didn’t think this was a good idea, but thankfully drove out of the parking complex onto the road.

I let Yutu go inside first into my apartment, and closed the door behind us. I Instantly gazed at him with daggers in my eyes. He didn’t seemed fazed though as he left his face expressionless, and looked around my house with slight fascination.

“Okay, now tell me the truth.” My voice already tense, and Yutu went to my couch while groaning exhaustively.

“I already told you the truth, but you said it was a bear.”

“You said it was a bear to Frank too.” I retorted back, crossing my arms in annoyance.

Yutu however just rested his chin in his hand, and let out a long yawn. 

“yes, I lied to him.”

I became increasingly annoyed at his attitude now, that I went to where he was, and towered over his frame while looking him straight in the eyes.

“And how do I know your not lying to me?”

Yutu seemed to finally understand what I was getting at as he looked down at the floor in deep thoughts. After a minute or so he looked up again like he had all my answers for me.

“l see, you don’t believe my words so, maybe you’d believe me if I showed you?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

He made a new face toward me that looked like an actual smile, and he suddenly got up.

At first I didn’t understand what he was doing, but as he let the blanket fall off his body I became even more startled. 

“What the hell are you doing?!” I covered my eyes in embarrassment, and felt my blood rush through my cheeks.

“Relax. It part of my transformation.” 

He then continued to lower himself on all fours, and closed his eyes while taking deep, large breaths. 

I was ready to call him crazy, and to get the police to arrest his weird ass, but just then I heard the cracking of bones. I didn’t want to believe it, but I watched the horrific sight with slight awe as his skin grow fur, and his body’s figure shifted into a canine-like body. It was scary but interesting to watch it all, and then the Yutu I knew became something like a mythical creature with strong paws and a massive orca tail. He sat on his hind legs, and looked at me patiently for my next reaction. To be honest, I didn’t know what else to do, but I came up to him and lifted up his paw that was once a human hand. He allowed me, and I examined it to see if there was any way this was a trick. Yet, I knew that I’ve exhausted my ideas as to what this all really was, and just faced the fact that this was real.

“H-how did you get your human hand back..?” I ask in a cracking tone, and he looked down at his paw in hesitation.

“Yutu?” 

I was alarmed that he wasn’t speaking, but he made me straight up terrified as he bit down hard on his own arm, and rips off a good portion of his own flesh off his body. I screamed bloody murder at the sight, and felt my legs shake wildly as I fell to the ground. I couldn’t believe what he just did, and didn’t want to look at him anymore. I felt like I was about to lose consciousness at it all, however I felt something warm wrapped around my body like a blanket. I opened my eyes to see that Yutu wrapped his body around mine, and rested his massive head on my lap. When I looked down to where he bitten himself, I didn’t even see a single scratch. 

I gasp in shock as I inspected it even more closely, and I heard what sounded like a laugh come from deep within his throat.

“That wasn’t funny at all.” I said miserably, and let my head rest on his broad shoulder. He made a small grunting noise as he licked the side

of my cheek, which I guess in his own way was saying sorry. It felt weird to let him lick my cheek, but at the same time it was nice to know he was trying to comfort me.

My body felt numb from all the action today, and as I layed in his soft fur, I gradually let my eyes close and went into a calming sleep. The last thing I heard was a low growl.

…

When I woke up the next morning, I was surprised to see that I was lying on my couch covered in a jacket. For a moment I thought that all that I went through the other day was a dream, until I heard the faucet being turned on. I yawned away my sleepiness while crawling off the coach and going off toward the source of the noise. 

“Good morning.” 

That was the first thing Yutu said to me as he was washing off his face in the bathroom, and I notice that he was wearing a green plaid shirt and brown pants. 

“How long have you been awake?” I said while leaning against the doorframe, and he turns off the sink and looks at me with a crooked smile. 

“I didn't really go to sleep. Also, I found these in the closet, I hope you don't mind.” He says all this while walking off into the living room. I follow of course, and he sits on the couch with his legs crossed and looks at me nonchalantly. I stood there somewhat awkwardly since I didn’t know what to do now, but he pats down the cushion next to him indicating for me to sit. I do what he wants, and let my back relax into the soft cushion. 

“I know that what you went through last night was crazy, but I need you to promise you won’t tell anyone what you saw..” 

He looks at me very seriously, letting me know he really needs me to listen. Yutu then rubs his irritated eyes while continuing,

 “-Also, the man that attacked me last night was the same man who attacked me at the camp. His name is Cupun, and he was apart of my family tribe...” 

I look back at him intensely not believing that there was a tribe of people possibly just like him. It Boggles my mind, but I didn’t dare interrupt him as he continued talking.

“-It’s funny, the tribe chief was my father, and we were able to hide our old cruse for centuries. Yet since the day father died, Cupun - one of our oldest elders - felt the need to terrorize the people to the point of breaking us apart.”

Yutu stopped speaking then and looked out the window toward the white sky; which I saw for myself that snow was coming down at a quick pace.

I understood that Yutu empty expressions where meant to hide his feelings, but I didn’t think it was about something as tragic as this. I still didn’t know what to say or do, as we both looked at the colorless sky...However I felt his hand, and I let him intertwined his cold fingers with mine. 

He turned around towards me with sadness in those onyx eyes of his, and all I could think of to do was hold him close. 

“I need to leave Alaska for awhile, it is not safe for me here.” He said worriedly, and tighten his grip on my hand.

“Didn't you kill the old guy?” 

“He's not the only one, I’m afraid..” He shook his head with a disgruntled look as the words left his mouth. Yutu was troubled so deeply that I could feel it radiating off his body. 

The next thing he said left me breathless.

“I should have let them killed me.”

I didn’t think as I let my arms hold him tightly, and felt such strong worry.

“Don’t say that..”

I pulled away a little to look him in the eyes, and said with a reassuring smile, “I’ll be here to help.”

The tension between us felt nicer instead of uncomfortable now, and I allowed myself to say what I have been feeling for quite awhile.

“You...used to make me nervous for some reason, and I didn’t understand how I could help..but I think I understand how now.” 

Yutu eyes lighten up as I gave him a small peck on the cheek, and as I was ready to give him one on the lips, but he did that for me. His lips felt warm against mine, and I let my body rest comfortably on his. When we parted, he kept holding me close in his arms and said the words I never heard, but always wanted to hear.

“I need you so much.”

I smiled warmly as I held him back, and said what I always wanted to say to him.

“I want to be here for you.”

We were both in a really tight spot in our lives now, but know matter what, I was gonna help him through it. Because in more ways than one, he made me want to live my life again.

[pocmuzings]

Hey G! do you have any advice on how to gain more of the rpc's interest when opening a new rp?

this is hard, because i haven’t tried to open or run a new rp in quite some time. it can be a lot of hard work! here are just a few things that i’ve noticed from newish rps, which i think works!

have an original plot idea: is it just a town/ university /apartment rp? that’s fine! but what makes your different from other rps? why should people join your town/university/ apartment rp, and not the hundreds of others?

don’t make your plot too complicated or have lots of folklore/reading: on the other end of things- is your plot a bit too much? is it too much writing, does it lead to about a dozen other pages that people would need to read up on? if so, try to minimalise this. try to find a way to reduce some of the clutter!

have diverse characters: this should go without saying, but it’s important- if you’re going to be a rp, oc or skeleton or whatnot - then encourage diverse characters! encourage plus size, disabled, trans, nonbinary, hijabi wearing... etc etc. encourage people to bring them in, because i promise there’s a lot of ol’ veterans on this site (like myself), who actually get quite excited when we see different characters and faceclaims being suggested!

send your rp to a few people in the rpc: have a look through the rpc tag and see if anybody in there who knows their stuff would maybe be willing to have a look through the rp and see if it’s something that interests them

drum up your rp: you don’t have to do this, but things like teaser blogs, ominous ‘its coming’ type shoutouts... they do work for the most part! they’re exciting! they make people want to know more, and get us curious!

be excited about your rp: honestly, don’t get deterred if you open to no apps, or if things seem a bit slow at first. i promise you, it’s not you or your fault! just keep on keeping on! show the community how excited you are, and keep pushing for it to be noticed. i’m not saying shove it in people’s faces... but maybe kinda shove it in people’s faces

aesthetically please: i know graphics aren’t everyones thing. they absolutely aren’t mine. but a lot of people in the rpc are looking for aesthetically pleasing sort of rps. if your rp just looks bland, and all over the place, it won’t keep people on your page long- no matter how great your plot or characters are. it’s sad but true. try and find someone to help you look over graphics / just provide a second set of eyes!

be open to criticism: no rp is perfect. if a few people tell you ‘oh this is maybe a little offensive’ or ‘this makes me uncomfortable’ or ‘your main is hard to read’, don’t get angry or defensive! people aren’t necessarily trying to offend you! it’s okay to change things around and adjust to what you need to!

advertise advertise advertise: and utilise shoutouts! get people to either reblog your shoutouts or advertisements, or send it to people who are accepting!

take a break: don’t feel the need to rush your rp. i know its super super exciting to want to write it all up and get it out there as soon as possible, but take a break! give some time to yourself. get off your computer, clear your head, and then maybe come back and approach things from a different angle!

get involved in the rpc: trust me, having friends in the rpc is a godsend. if i ever need something looked over, or if i want to broaden my horizons... my friends really really help. they can offer a fresh perspective, be your cheerleaders, and even help drum up excitement about your rp!

stay active: i’m not saying be on your main all the time. but if i see a rp thats got a lot of ads / shoutouts going around, after a while it does pique my interest and make me want to actually see more, or broaden my own horizons a little too

don’t be afraid to ask for help: if you need a coadmin, but you are scared of who to trust with this huge project, that’s completely understandable! but you can’t always do everything yourself. it’s a lot of work to take on, and you need a break too! seriously consider if theres anyone, anyone at all, who you could see helping you out with things on the main

plan and plot: whilst you need members and characters to do anything in a rp- you also need events / plot drops/ tasks. you need to find a way to include people and have them involved in the plot! all too often i see amazing plots written for a rp, but next to no events that actually follow up the plot. people joined BECAUSE of plot for the most part, so don’t be afraid of writing more about it, and involving more people in it!

sorry if this isn’t that helpful, like i said, it’s been a while since i’ve tried to open a rp! but good luck and don’t be too hard on yourself! i’m sure you’ll do amazing, and feel free to send anything more to me if needed! i’m more than happy to lend a shoutout, or an extra set of eyes!

[actuallyvady]

I have been musing a lot on my life lately. (putting this under a cut because it’s long and just my personal ramblings, feel free to ignore)

I’ve made some major changes in the last year-- I dropped out of school again, I got a full time job, I started hanging out with a different group of friends, I stopped cosplaying... most of these were not things where I consciously thought “I am going to make positive changes in my life” but...

I haven’t had any bad mental health days all year. Oh, I’ve had moments where the brain goblins were being dumb, but they’ve always passed relatively painlessly. I feel, for the first time in a long time, generally hopeful about my own future. The future in general, not so much-- the world is on fire and everything is terrifying and awful. But for myself? I don’t even see a clear path to where I want to go but I’m not afraid of that. I haven’t been bothered by dysphoria all year, either; I have reached a point where I love the way I look, and if I am not perceived the way I feel, that’s on other people, not on me. 

And as much as this might seem weird... I actually give a lot of credit to G-Dragon. 

Last year around October I was in a terrible place. I was finding more and more that what I was going to school for wasn’t what I wanted to do, I was feeling like I was never going to get anywhere in life and I was never going to be stable or happy, and I was deeply unhappy with the fact that I was consistently and constantly read as female, no matter what I did. That last was bothering me so much that I had started to contemplate whether I would be happier if I transitioned; I am not male, but part of me wondered if it would feel more natural if I looked more masculine, if the changes that HRT would bring about would make me feel more at home in my skin. 

That was when it hit the news that the Trump administration wanted to re-define gender as being based on physical characteristics-- I don’t recall the exact wording (and have not heard of it since), but it would basically make it so trans people did not exist, legally, and make legal protections impossible. And for the first time since I realized I was trans, I was scared. 

I knew that there were more people in more danger than I was, but I also knew that if I did decide to transition, and make myself more visibly transgender, I would be putting myself in more danger. And I hated that I was afraid. But the knowledge that it would be safer to stay as I was, deeply unhappy though I might have been... I was afraid. 

And that’s when I found this: 

Is this song about anything relevant? Not really. But the imagery in the video struck me. It is, visually, extremely powerful-- and hit very close to home, in that moment. And it marked a turning point, for me; suddenly, instead of scared, I was angry. This video gave me the strength to be mad instead of afraid. His music, generally, makes me feel that way-- angry and powerful. There’s a lot to be said for the joy that most kpop makes me feel, but GD is different, there’s always that edge to it, and that helps more than I can say. 

I started seeing a therapist, we talked a bit about my desire to transition-- among other things. Eventually that desire faded, as I felt more confident about myself. 

G-Dragon helped with that, too, though it’s hard to articulate why. G-Dragon isn’t what most people picture when they hear the word “masculine.” He’s incredibly pretty, has delicate features, isn’t especially tall or muscular. And he’s fucking gorgeous. And I realized that no, I would not be happy with the changes HRT would bring-- if I was a shapeshifter and could choose my own features, I’d rather look more like GD than more “masculine.” But more to the point... I don’t know that I would really want to change how I look at all. What I wanted wasn’t to look different, it was to be perceived differently. And that’s not on me. I like the way I look. Admiring this absurdly pretty man helped me realize that I don’t owe anyone androgyny-- I am myself, and I am nonbinary, and if people do not see that, that’s on them. 

It would be easy to say that I decided to pursue fashion design because G-Dragon is very into fashion and he inspired me. It wouldn’t be entirely wrong, either, but it’s not the whole truth. I had already realized that the things I most enjoyed making were original, not costume pieces. I’ve long been terrified of creative expression; I have an obsessive need to be good at things and invention is scary. But I’d done a few original designs, and I loved them. I made the wine fairy; there was no template, only a concept, and it was fun! And it’s one of my favorite pieces, because it’s me. I made a formal loki coat, on a whim, just because, and I am so proud of it. But the best was the peacock. All of these had a base idea, but I realized that I could easily do that-- build original pieces, not for a costume, not based on a character, but based on a concept. And if people didn’t see it? That’s fine. It gave me something to go on. 

So I started sketching. I like making jackets, so that’s where i started. And like the peacock, they were all rooted in a different bird. I’ve only made one of them at this point-- Thing #1, that I made for the BTS concert, is one of my swan concepts. And it was amazing to make it. In fact, my next major project is to draft the pattern in more sizes and see if there’s interest in my making them to sell. 

But I didn’t start doing that until I was fixated on G-Dragon. And I can’t quite pinpoint why-- as it is with most things that happen on that deep subconscious level. Maybe it’s because I admire him for his originality. Maybe it really is because he’s very into fashion and I just wanted to do something related to him. Maybe it’s because I want his entire wardrobe, fabulous creature that he is. I don’t honestly know. But falling face-first into obsessing over him made me realize that I didn’t want to make costumes. I wanted to make things that were all mine... and for the first time in a long time, I feel like this is a thing I could do for money, not just for fun. 

So I stopped going to school-- why pay that money to earn a degree that I didn’t want?-- and got a job, because if I was going to do this, I needed something to pay the bills that would leave me free to do my own thing in the evenings and on weekends. And having a steady job has helped so much with my mental health-- amazing what a steady sleep schedule and regular meals can do for that, as opposed to eating when I remember and sleeping either too much or too little, depending on whether I have a project or not. 

I started hanging out with different people. It’s not that my old friend group was bad, I just found myself spending time with a loving, supportive family that happened to be a kpop social group. One of my old friends and I bonded over our mutual love of G-Dragon, and my life has been infinitely better, since. I went with them to California to see BTS, and that trip was life-changing in a number of ways-- I remembered how much I enjoy traveling, I got to go fabric shopping in LA’s garment district, and the concert... it’s hard to describe. BTS makes me feel pure joy to the same visceral degree that GD makes me feel powerful. 

I’ve been hesitant to talk about my love of kpop here on tumblr-- I think people here assume that any kpop fan is part of the admittedly gross fetishization of Asian culture that goes on. But it has changed my life in so many positive ways. It’s mostly incidental that it was kpop-- I just happened to find G-Dragon at a moment when he was exactly what I needed. But he was exactly what I needed, and my life is so much better for it. 

[team-free-squiggle]

The Fairest of Them All

How about a one shot where Roman is genderfluid?

May or may not have elements slightly based off of personal experience, who knows? I mention this because in case my mind does decide to subtly do that, I want everyone to know that everyone else’s experiences are different. The way I might describe being genderfluid may not be the way someone else would describe it. 

Just wanted to put that out there.

Also I was writing this before the new video, don’t worry I have ideas for fics to come from that.

Enjoy, everyone!

~~ Fandom: Oh, who are we kidding, we all know its Sanders Sides

Type: One-shot, AU

Summary: Roman is dating Logan, Patton, and Virgil before they find out that Roman is genderfluid. But they are, and they are really scared that their boyfriends will break up with them if they ever came out.

Characters: Roman Sanders, Logan Sanders, Patton Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Remy Sanders, slight mention of Deceit

Pairings: LAMP/CALM/Polysanders

Warnings: some negative thoughts, Deceit, slight homophobia

~~

Roman had a problem that he had hidden from his boyfriends for the entirety of their lives. Well, most of their lives. 

He had realized that he was genderfluid when he was 16, figuring out that only sometimes he was a boy. Other times, he was actually a she, and other times he felt more like he was nonbinary. 

The problem with realizing that when he was 16 was that people weren’t so nice to gays. And he was not only gay, but genderfluid?

It felt like the Universe itself hated him, and it made his life that much harder. He lied to himself, getting to know a certain fellow Side of Thomas much more than he would have liked. 

He wasn’t good enough, not masculine enough, not feminine enough. He was never enough, and these thoughts took their toll on him. 

Even after being more accepted as gay, even after getting to know so many amazing people who were genderqueer like him, it hurt. He still felt like he could never tell anybody.

The good news was that as soon as he felt that he was more accepted, especially about liking boys, he was able to stop lying to himself. He was able to get rid of Deceit. Well, it was him and Remy, but... Roman didn’t like to think about that particular incident too much. The point was that it was okay to be who he is, at least mostly. 

He still hadn’t told the other main Sides. He wasn’t even sure why. Mostly, he figured, it was a reaction to having been told that it was wrong to be himself for most of his life. But that doesn’t matter. It was the fact that he, Logan, Patton, and VIrgil had all started dating. Roman couldn’t help but wonder just how much longer he could keep his secret. 

That’s why he was more scared when he woke up this morning. He was tucked in between a warm Virgil and a cold Logan, with a really hot Patton right below him. He smiled at his three loves, but grimaced when he realized that he felt more like a she today.

She quickly climbed away from her boyfriends (an impressive feat with the way Logan cuddles her), giggling softly. 

She tripped over some of her clothes, blushing as she yelped out an “oh shit!” 

She turned to get dressed, at least in a robe, but thought she saw some movement out of the corner of her eye. She got scared, looked over at the three of them, but saw no movement from any of them. Satisfied, she smiled at them softly, glad they were still asleep as she slipped into the wardrobe that led to her realm. 

When she got inside, leaving a crack in the wardrobe door (she had read about Narnia, obviously), she smiled. Her figure was no longer that of her more Princely self - tall and buff and masculine. No, now she was smaller and feminine, and she fucking loved it. 

No one could mistake her for a Prince now, because she’s currently a Princess. 

As she was choosing her gown for the day (because a Princess has got to slay), a letter came under her door. She opened it, and let out a squeal of delight. There was to be ball tonight, and apparently a few handsome Princes wanted to dance with her! 

She knew she had her boyfriends, of course, but she also knew that this was a kingdom she had made up so everyone automatically knew that she was taken. 

She looked outside, noting that it was actually afternoon, and slipped into a gown for that evening and did up her makeup. She looked gorgeous, and honestly couldn’t wait for the ball!

Logan was woken up by his creative boyfriend slipping out of the bed that everyone is. He would have ignored it, honestly, if it weren’t for a sudden “oh shit!” coming from Roman. 

Logan felt the other two wake up - their Prince had been rather loud with his swearing - but the three of them pretended to still be asleep. 

They could all feel Roman’s eyes looking at them, and Virgil could tell that his royal boyfriend was anxious as he looked over them. Eventually, he left to his realm, and the three still in the bed sat up.

“Virgil, something was off with Ro.” Virgil nodded, noting that Patton had simply said, not asked. 

“Yeah,” the anxious side cleared his throat. “He was anxious about something, and it’s to do with us. Or, more likely, with something we don’t know.”

Logan nodded. “That is the most logical conclusion based on the evidence thus far. Now here’s the question: are we following him?”

The other two nodded, each of them getting dressed before following their beloved. 

They walked into a lush red and gold room, not unlike the one they had just left. In the center, they saw Roman. 

Patton was about to walk forwards when Logan stopped him, pointing out that something was happening. 

They watched as their Roman transformed into a girl, mouths hung open. She giggled happily, twirling around. They all ducked behind pillars, watching their boy- no, girlfriend- be happier than they had ever seen. She quickly went into her closet on the other side of the room, and they saw that there were a bunch of Roman’s traditional outfit on one side of it. 

On the other side, where Ro was currently looking for an outfit, was a splendid, rainbow array of fancy and casual Princess gowns.

The other three left the room slowly, running into someone they recognized. 

“Hey, Remy!” The other Side, Sleep, turned around. 

The Starbucks loving Side smiled. “Hey, guys, whatcha here for?”

They quickly explained everything that had been happening in the last half-hour, Remy’s look quickly changing from carefree to serious as he pulled them from the corridor to the otherwise empty library. 

“What is going on, Remy?” Virgil asked, worried for the people he loves. 

“I knew Ro hadn’t told you yet, and I’m sworn to secrecy as his Royal Advisor, but you’ve seen it for yourselves now.” Remy muttered, more to himself than anything. 

“What the hell is going on? And who made you a Royal Advisor?” Logan asked sharply, more than slightly worried about his boyfriend.

Remy stuck his tongue out. “Roman made me his Royal Advisor, dummy!”

Patton had to hold Logan back from punching Remy. Virgil sighed anxiously, making everyone in the room sigh softly and calm down a bit so as not to worry the purple-clad Side.

“Remy, what is up with Roman? He - he changed into a girl.” Patton’s tone wasn’t judgmental or anything, just curious and worried. 

“So, Roman, as you think you know him, is a boy. This is true... about 50% of the time.” Remy began to explain, sighing at the other three’s confused looks.

“He’s actually genderfluid. He’s been hiding it since we were 16. Sometimes, he’s nonbinary - uses they/them. But most of the time when he’s not a he, he’s a she. That’s who she is right now - she’s not a Prince. She is a Princess.” 

The others nodded, glad that their love was alright. They had been worried, when she seemed anxious around them, that something in her kingdom was hurting her. This wasn’t that, thank goodness. 

“But wait, why wouldn’t he - sorry, she - tell us? And how do you know?” Patton’s eyes were filled with tears. Remy sighed.

“I honestly don’t know the answer to the first question, you’ll have to ask her that. My guess is worry that you wouldn’t accept her. As for the second question, it’s because I busted in on Deceit hurting her. She had been lying to herself about this, letting Deceit hurt her. I stopped that as soon as I found out, and have been her Royal Advisor ever since.”

They all nodded silently, each thinking different things. Logan figured that Remy’s position in the kingdom made a lot more sense now. But, there were more pressing matters than that train of thought. Virgil made plans to kick Deceit’s ass silently. Patton, however, had another idea. 

“We need to show her that we love her no matter her gender. How about - oh, a Royal Ball!” Patton exclaimed excitedly.

Remy raised an eyebrow. “That would certainly be doable, and when she’s female she does love to dance and wear pretty dresses.”

“That settles it!” Patton shouted. Virgil flinched, before a sudden thought occurred to him. 

“Pat, love, wait. Ro was pretty anxious this morning, and I don’t want to scare her. Is there a way to let her know we’re coming without her actually being told it’s us?” He whispered, still very concerned that Ro hadn’t trusted them with something as important as this. Not because he knew what that felt like, per se, but because he did know what it was to not want to feel like an outcast, especially because of a certain snake-faced Side. 

His thoughts were interrupted when his Logical boyfriend spoke. 

“Well, what if we had Remy give her an invitation? Say there would be a ball, with a few Princes interested in dancing with the Princess? I mean, we always knew Ro loved balls, and that when we thought she was a he we said we didn’t mind him dancing with other Princes. She would likely think of this as the same type of thing, only we would be the ones to dance with her.” 

Remy smirked. “Ro always said that if you ever visited, you were each to be ‘treated like the Princes they are.’ Her words, not mine.”

Patton and Virgil nodded along, smiling at the memory of Roman asking if (then a) he could dance with Princes, if they would mind too much. She always was worried about what they thought of her. 

They and Logan laughed slightly at Remy’s words before they all went their separate ways.

This would be a true chance to show her that they love her, no matter what. 

And so the invitation was delivered, the royals got ready, and the stage (or in this case, ballroom) was set.

How will Ro react to her boyfriends being the Princes she would dance with soon? 

Ro was ready to go down to the Ball, she thought. But just to check, she twirled in front of her mirror one more time. She couldn’t help the giggle. She looked gorgeous, and couldn’t wait to dance!

She headed downstairs, and walked into the Ballroom. People parted for her, smiling, and she nodded at them. She was happy, beautiful, and ready to dance with a few handsome Princes. 

Then she saw the three Princes there to dance with her. She felt her throat get tight, breathing slightly shallower. She forced herself to go along with the breathing excersise she had memorized for Virgil. 

The same Virgil who was currently standing in front of her, with Logan and Patton beside him. 

They were all in formal suits, and god Ro wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about how good they looked if it wasn’t for the fact that they had discovered her secret somehow.

“Ro, love, it’s okay.” Virgil spoke only when she was breathing normally, not wanting for her to hurt any more than she was already. 

“S-so you d-don’t hate me? You d-don’t wanna b-break u-up with m-me?” Ro stuttered, and Logan and Patton and Virgil all felt their hearts melt when she looked up at them with gorgeous doe eyes. 

Patton couldn’t help but hug her when her voice broke on the last word. “Of course not, Ro, we love you no matter what.”

Ro accepted Patton’s hug, smiling happily. Logan and Virgil hugged her too, all of them happy together. 

Logan spoke softly. “Ro, may I have the honor of the first dance with the fairest Princess in all the land?” Ro giggled and curtsied, nodding. 

Logan smiled, took her arm, and led her out to the dance floor. A rather fun and complex dance was going on, and everyone was impressed that Logan knew all the steps as though he had been dancing it for all his life. 

Patton squealed as he and Virgil watched their boyfriend and girlfriend as they softly swayed from side to side together, barely enough to call it dancing. 

Ro giggled and twirled, her red, white, and gold gown twirling around her. Logan smiled happily as he dipped her, kissing her softly before they resumed the dance. 

“So, Princess, is there a different name you want to go by?” Logan murmured when the dance slowed a bit and he and his love were pressed close together. 

“Yeah, actually. I tend to go by Rosana - I got a bit inspired by the Youtuber who also called herself Ro, and it’s different than my male self but it makes sense to me as still being who I am, you know?” She blushed as she couldn’t help but feel that she had rambled on for too long. Logan smiled softly.

“Alright, my lovely Princess Rosana.” He kissed her once more as the dance ended, leaving her a blushing and giggling mess.

They walked over to Patton and Virgil, who stopped swaying so that Patton could drag Ro out to the dance floor. Some uptempo swing was playing, making Pat lead Ro around the dance floor in a fast, old-fashioned dance. 

The beat was one that people watching from the sidelines could clap along with, and that’s exactly what Logan and Virgil were doing. They clapped in time, smiling and laughing together and waving at Pat and Ro when the dancing couple passed them by. 

Soon enough, the song was over, and a somewhat tired Patton led over a still energetic Princess that was ready to dance with her anxious boyfriend.

Virgil took Ro’s hand, leading her to the center of the room. All other people cleared the dance floor, and a familiar theme played that made Ro’s heart sing  and blush.

A Tale as Old as Time, was what they danced to. Ro and Virgil danced together, slowly, peacefully, but still magically. The turns were soft, and Ro knew that Virgil was always there for her. 

Eventually, this song too ended. But more songs played. 

The Princes danced the night away with their Princess, Ro never straying too far from the arms of someone she loves. She was happy to be able to be herself, and to dance with her boyfriends. 

And if the Royal Advisor to Princess Rosana was currently squashing a little yellow-and-black snake under his boot for trying to crash the party, well, no one had to be the wiser. 

As long as the Sides were happy together, everything was okay. And they truly were happy, together as they danced the night away.

~~

Here’s my drawing of what Princess! Roman looks like:

Tag list:

(Sanders Sides)

@astraastro

@madly-handsome

@amber1594

@lie-lie-birdy

@thebaagelboy

@justanotherpurplebutterfly

@ravenclawunicorn1

@ako1209

@funsizedgremlin

@princessbelix

@water13girl

@romanasanders

@deathshadowrules

@virgils-jacket

@fandomsofrandom

@cochroachkappa-blog

@zoeyheys

@chipminkle

@6tick6tock6

@maizieandbirds

@panic-at-theeverywhere

@not-my-patton

@cookieturtleart123

(All)

@birdybabybird

@awesomelissawho

@justanotherwolfy

[tf2canons]

What would the other mercs’ reactions be to seeing the masked mercs (Spy & Pyro) without said Mask?

Reactions to the Spy (He looks something like this under the mask)

Sniper - He goes into shock for a second at seeing the Spy without his mask and just stares at him. He starts blushing and after a few seconds he clears his throat and looks away. “Sorry, mate, you uh- You look nice.”

Medic - He doesn’t really care. Spy looks like what he had expected him to, and in all honestly, getting to see his hair and a few extra inches of skin doesn’t mean much when you’ve already seen his internal organs. 

Scout - “Oh christ, I’m sorry, don’t stab me- Hey wait you look familiar.” He’s mostly confused over where he feels like he’s seen Spy before. He cant quite place it. Before he gets much more of a look, though, Spy would shove him out of the room. 

Pyro - Oh no he’s hot. Pyro secretly thought maybe Spy was going bald, or had an ugly nose and that’s why he was hiding it all the time, but that is not the case. Pyro was the first to see the Spy without his mask, after walking in on him accidentally, and Spy panicked so much he fainted (see here). Pyro put the mask on him for him out of respect for his privacy and took him to Medic, but they couldn’t help but think how pretty he is. And its a secret they get to keep forever, just themselves! How special!

Soldier - “WHY ARE YOU OUT OF UNIFORM?!” He’s pretty startled and off put, which is a little hypocritical considering he gets naked at random intervals. He just finds it incredibly alarming since he’s only seen him with the mask for the entire time they’ve known each other.

Heavy - Immediately slaps a hand over his face and apologizes for looking. Despite his curiosity he respects Spy’s privacy and he didn’t want to overstep any boundaries like that. 

Demo - He stares for a second and then silently offers Spy some of his alcohol in apology. “Sorry, laddy, but oi, don’t worry, I probably won’t remember anyway.” He then chugs the entire bottle of alcohol that Spy didn’t accept as if to prove it.

Engineer - He immediately turns around so his back was to Spy and apologizes. “I’m mighty sorry for walkin in on ya, but for what its worth, you don’t look half bad.” 

Reactions to the Pyro (They look like how I described here) 

Spy - His cigarette falls out of his mouth and he drops whatever he’s holding. They look like that? Spy has spent years trying to find out the Pyro’s identity, to get any idea what they look like under the mask, and now they’re just standing right there. He’s going to be in shock for hours and then he’s going to be frustrated out of his mind, because even without the mask he can hardly tell anything about them.

Sniper - He’s fucking sprinting. Pyro looks fine, but he doesn’t want to get burned alive for seeing something he wasn’t supposed to see.

Medic - He’s more interested in all the scars up their arms and back than their face. He wants to know the story behind them, how bad the burns were, and how the healing process went. “These wounds were incorrectly treated. Who was your doctor? I would like to have a word with them.”

Scout - “Whoa there, muffles, you look- Wait are you a chick?” Once again, he’s more confused than anything else. They’ll just blink and shake their head. “Wait, so, you’re a guy? Your really girly looking for a-” They’ll shake their head again. Somebody will have to explain to Scout what ‘nonbinary’ means later. He hasn’t heard the term before. 

Soldier - Same as his reaction for the Spy. 

Heavy - He panics for a few seconds but then he starts laughing. He’d spent all his time scared of this? This little person with soft skin, hello kitty bandaids, and a baby face? He might get a little hysterical.

Demo - Oh no they’re cute. He can’t help it, their face is so soft and freckly, he grins and pinches their cheek lightly. “Look at ye, laddy! Or- lassy? I still cant tell, but you’re sweet as a wee lamb!”

Engineer - He’ll be surprised for a few seconds before chuckling, ruffling their hair, and saying, “Well ain’t you just precious?” 

[askanonbinary]

Hi! I don't kno if this relates to this blog but I'm very curious about this subject. I'm agender, & my friend is trans. We've struggled a lot becuz of this. My family pretends I don't exist. Recently we were talking w another friend about identities. & he told me that while he was a teenager, he was cisgender. He experienced something bad decided to not be a girl. What do people think about this? Using that method as a coping system. Can people choose to not be cis? My trans friend says no.

Anon, I’m going to answer you by telling you my story. I’m not comfortable sharing some details, so it’ll be pretty general, but there is a trigger warning here for an abusive relationship and dealing with the trauma afterwards, plus a mention of menstruation. With that being said, I’m going to go ahead and put this under a read more.

Since I am putting this under a read more, I’d like to share a quote from a list of links I provide at the bottom of this post, to leave you something to think about without wading through my personal story: http://ossarix.tumblr.com/post/120869364577/re-choosing-transness

When I say that i want people to realize they can choose transness, I’m saying that i want people to ruminate on what being trans means to them on an individual level. I’m saying that they should think seriously and critically about gender and decide for themselves what it is to them and in what ways if any it is meaningful. Then, I want them to act on that information.

Onto my story: When I was halfway through high school, I discovered the term asexual and promptly came out as panro asexual. I had known since middle school that I felt differently from my friends. So, for years, I pushed any (rare) but potential romantic feelings down and denied I had them. When I discovered asexual, I clicked with it immediately and also decided that I was panro, which I connected with more than biro. At that point, my gender identity was really no where on my mind, as I never had a reason to not identify with the gender I was assigned at birth. Now, almost immediately after coming out, I (coming fresh out of HS) fell into a relationship with a man two years older than me. 

I was in an abusive relationship for a matter of years with this man. When I finally escaped the relationship, what I’d actually been through started to hit me really, really hard. I struggled (and still do to some extent) with coming to grips with what I’d been through and how to classify my experiences and reactions. It was a very scary time for me afterwards when I began to realize that not only did I have any urge to be in another romantic/intimate relationship again… I didn’t feel the same. It’s been about four years, and I haven’t had a single crush since. This was an acceptable change for me as I have always been asocial and being as committed to another person as I had been in my relationship made me realize how much space I really do need and how uncomfortable I am in deeply committed relationships like that. And, as said, I really have no personal interest in being romantic with anyone else. so it’s a relief not to have to deal with those feelings, tbh.

What I never expected was how lost and disconnected I began to feel from my gender - and it came on so seemingly sudden. It was very confusing for me. I’ve never particularly liked having breasts and I never looked forward to having my period, but I’d never felt dysphoric before. I’d never really wished for no genitalia. I wished I didn’t have to wear a bra and didn’t have to have a period, but it was more about the symptoms than the anatomy, for me. But suddenly I was feeling disconnected from the term “woman”. At times, I was feeling disconnected from my own body, sort of like an out-of-body experience; at other times, I was feeling itchy and wanted to jump out of my skin. 

This is when I dove into very seriously learning more about specific trans and nonbinary identities and experiences (in fact, it’s how I ended up stumbling across this blog). For me, coming across the choice narrative was extremely helpful for me. I struggled to accept what I was feeling. I didn’t feel like I could really be Trans Enough™ or that I deserved to use the label. But nor did I feel that I was cis anymore. When I heard that I could choose to nonbinary, that’s when things began to turn around for me. As scared as I was, as much self-doubt as I had, I began to choose to identify as nonbinary (although I struggled with different specific labels first).

The longer I wore the term, the more I looked into different identities, the more I heard about other people’s experiences, it slowly became easier to accept myself and my own journey. Anon, it’s amazing to me how differently I feel about how I identify then and now. I felt like a faker back then. I feel so much better now, anon. I’ve accepted how I feel and embraced the nonbinary label. I feel like myself again. I’ve finally gotten over much of that internalized exorsexism I struggled with when denying my identity.

It’s a question I had then and one I’m still not sure about now (though now longer spend time pondering). Anon, I have no idea how much, if any, my gender was influenced by the trauma I experience. Did my trauma change the way I felt about my gender? Was it simply a coincidence? Was it perhaps that I’d been researching more trans/nonbinary stuff in college and became more aware of it? Was it wrapped up in the fact that I stopped crushing on others? Was it affected by my change in perception of who I was while coming to grips with what I’d gone through? I honestly don’t know, and I’ve stopped worrying about it. That part isn’t as important to me anymore, now that I’ve dealt more with coming to terms how I felt and feel.

Anyway, that was a bit longer than I meant it to be (sorry)! But why did I tell you all that? Because I wanted to help show that 1) there isn’t one True Trans Experience™, and 2) the choice narrative is a helpful and important one for some people. I want to be clear that I am not saying everybody will find the choice narrative helpful or relatable. There are many people who do not feel as though they had a choice at all - and that is also completely valid. I believe that both these narrative/facts are valid and can coexist, as they are each useful for other people.

As to your friend who went through something and decided not to identify as a girl anymore, I cannot speak to them or how they feel. I can only say that I don’t think either path - choosing or feeling as if you have no choice - is particularly easy or something picked or realized on a whim. Perhaps how he told you is simply the easiest way for him to explain without having to relive his past. I would say that, unless he is somehow being harmful by expressing his gender the way he does, it’s also not particularly anybody else’s business, unless he so chooses to share. And if he chose to share with you, I think you should be respectful of that. Trauma is a very complex beast that we still do not completely understand how deeply it can impact people.

Finally, here’s some posts relating to choice politics, although some of these are more slanted towards orientation than gender, that you may be interested in reading:http://ossarix.tumblr.com/post/120869364577/re-choosing-transnesshttp://actingnt.tumblr.com/post/135077660215/the-born-this-way-narrative-falls-apart-due-tohttp://cishits.tumblr.com/post/109413068403/insectaffection-cishits (transphobic/gatekeeping comic - scroll down to the good comments, which are a few people in)http://askanonbinary.tumblr.com/post/85477860135/but-i-thought-being-trans-was-all-about-how-youhttp://askanonbinary.tumblr.com/post/85650317690/saying-that-being-trans-is-a-choice-is-reallyhttp://askanonbinary.tumblr.com/post/114375017805/its-not-okay-for-you-to-claim-that-being-trans-is

The best bit from the first link:

When I say that i want people to realize they can choose transness, I’m saying that i want people to ruminate on what being trans means to them on an individual level. I’m saying that they should think seriously and critically about gender and decide for themselves what it is to them and in what ways if any it is meaningful. Then, I want them to act on that information.

~ Mod Sock

[too-queer-for-you]

Title: What We’ve Been Hiding-Secret Project and More! Rating: G Word Count: 1277 Summary: A description of a video in which Dan and Phil finally answer long asked questions and reveal the truth. Read on AO3

dont @ me about this being unrealistic that’s why I made it a fic and not a theory

~

“I still can’t believe we’re actually doing this.” Dan said, as he sat down next to Phil, smiling. Phil shrugged back at him.

“It’s time. But yeah, I understand how you feel.” Phil turned back to the camera after nodding at Dan. “Hey guys! So, there’s something we need to tell you. We’ve been working on it for a long time-”

“I’m sorry, I think I’m the one who’s done most of the work, actually.” Dan interrupted, glaring at Phil playfully.

“Well, maybe. But it wouldn’t exist without me, so it’s both of us.” Phil said, trying not to get distracted. “Many of you have guessed that we have a secret project in the works, which we do, but we’re going to talk about that later. First, we have something to tell you.” Phil said, his heart fluttering with nerves and excitement.

“I should add, that we’re only doing this because we’re tired of the rumors, and the theories, and the questions-”

“You’re only mad because I was the one with the secret wife, not you.” Phil said smugly. Dan rolled his eyes, and turned back to the camera, before lifting his left hand, a thin ring with black stones clearly visible. Phil was beaming.

“Yes, for God’s sakes, we’re together, stop asking about it.” Dan said, an air of obviously feigned annoyance and disinterest in his voice.

“Dan, don’t be mean, open up to them!” Phil said, pushing Dan over. He simply looked at Phil.

“Excuse me, I am Daniel Howell, face of nihilism and disinterest. I don’t open up.” Phil smirked.

“I’ve got experience that would say otherwise,” He said, tongue sticking out of his teeth as he grinned. Dan opened his mouth in shock.

“Are you-” He stood up. “Are you bloody kidding me? In our coming out video, you’re the one who makes the sex joke? Who have you become, Phil Lester?” He said, dramatically storming out.

“Dan, come back.” Phil called, knowing he would, looking at the camera knowingly as Dan sat back down. He cleared his throat. “Anyway. We’re finally telling you this upfront because we’re engaged, and we didn’t want to keep having to take on and off our rings, only wear them at home, all that stuff. It’s tiring.”

“Phil, show yours!” Dan prodded, smiling, his fake dramatics faded. Phil raised his left hand to show a ring in a matching style to Dan’s, with turquoise stones.

“I’m sure a lot of you guys are wondering why we’ve kept it secret for this long. And that’s a hard question to answer. I don’t really know how to, honestly.” Phil said, thinking.

“Look, I know a lot of people watching this have been closeted, or maybe you are right now, and you understand. To have this thing, which is actually so fundamental to who you are as a person, but know that there are people out there who aren’t okay with it, it’s scary. And we just weren’t ready. We have been loosening up in the past year or so, being less scared to touch each other, because we didn’t want this to come out of nowhere. And we-we get so many comments and messages from you guys, saying you’re gay, or bi, pan, or ace, or trans, or nonbinary, or a million other things, and that you don’t have anyone you feel like you can tell, that you feel alone, and that we’ve helped you feel less alone. And we realized we could be doing more. And we were ready to do more. We felt sturdy enough in our relationship, in our careers, that we felt it was safe to take the risk. So that’s what we’re doing. And I hope, to any of you out there who might be struggling, that we can help you more. I have been where you are, a teenager struggling with feelings you don’t think you should be having, watching a video of some guy you barely know for hope. I got lucky.” Dan’s inspirational tone changed, to one more urgent. “I got lucky that the guy I was watching messaged me back. I got lucky that he wasn’t someone who wanted to take advantage of me. You hear these stories today of creators taking advantage of their fans when they’re young, and I’m honestly disgusted by it. What I did, going to meet this guy who was five years older than me that I met on the internet? That was stupid. I lied to my parents about where I was going, and it was stupid, because you don’t know what might happen. Please, be careful.” As Dan was speaking, Phil had turned towards him and place a comforting hand on his back, nodding, then turned back to the camera, clearing his throat.

“So. There’s that sorted. Onto the secret project! The one other than the wedding, I mean.” Phil said, smiling.

“That’s the one that I’ve done significantly more work on, by the way.” Dan added, a lighter tone to his voice now.

“Hush. A lot of you have noticed that we recently followed Faraz Osman on twitter, a documentary director. Yes, there is going to be a documentary. But it’s not going to be following us around for a tour or anything. See, doing what we do, there’s been a lot of footage and photos over the years that you guys have never seen, because they revealed too much. As far back as 2009. We saved them, because they’re nice for us to look at, but we’re ready to share it with you now. So we’ve sent all of it to Faraz and his team, along with videos that are actually posted from before we thought about privacy. And they’re putting together a kind of story of Dan and Phil. We’ll tell you stories we’ve never told before, answer questions we’ve never answered. Show what life was really like inside the glass closet.” Dan laughed.

“Yeah, heart-eyes Howell exists because I’m an awful actor. If we tried to cut it all out, there wouldn’t be any videos. We were never fully hidden.” He said, grinning, before his grin faded. “And I’m specifically going to talk about what happened in 2012. I’ll give more details in the documentary, but I was struggling, and I took it out on a lot of you guys, and that was wrong. And I’m truly sorry. We’re doing this for those of you who have believed in us for years, supported us for years, some from the very beginning. Also to those of you who are newer, because support is support, and we are grateful.” Phil was smiling at him softly, then turned towards the camera.

“Because I know you’re all wondering when you’re going to see this, it’s going to be released at the beginning of next year. It’s not going to be on YouTube Red, it’s not going to be in theatres. We are doing this to thank you for everything. It will be absolutely free, and will go on my channel.” Dan started speaking immediately after.

“And because I’m the one who did all of the work for it, there will be a wedding video, full of vlogs of preparations, suit fittings, tastings, and the actual ceremony. And that will be on my channel. It’ll be posted the day after the documentary.”

They looked at each other, love apparent in their eyes, before turning back to the camera, nodding an acknowledgment, and covering the lens with their left hands, rings sparkling as they approach. The screen goes black. A photo of their left hands together, rings matching, appears with a simple caption.

“Thank You.”