#but he will not learn the right terminology or be respectful or anything

[aritany]

On Identity: The Truth

Content warnings: homophobia, transphobia, references to self harm and suicide.

I’ve been keeping secrets my whole life.

I’m 10 and I’m listening to my dad at the dinner table, who I know to be the most trustworthy person in the world. He talks about the legalization of marriage between two people of the same sex and asks us to consider the implications. Where do we draw the line in the sand? Legalizing gay marriage paves the way for legalizing pedophilia, after all. If a union between two men or two women isn’t disrespecting the sanctity of marriage, what’s next? Marriage between men and animals?

I’m 11 the first time I hear it: “It doesn’t matter how low I set the bar for you, you still can’t reach it.”

I’m confused and afraid—I’m trying so hard—but I hear it then, and again, and again, spoken low in disappointment, shouted with a vein popping in her forehead, cold like a fact, and it sinks in, bone deep.

I’m 12 with my first crush on a girl. I’m not confused, I know that’s what it is—I want to kiss my friend, and I already know not to talk about it. Never to talk about it. It isn’t safe.

I’m 13 and doubting. I throw myself into fitting in. I pick the right boys to like and I go overboard, and I do like them, I do, I do, I want them to like me, I want to be their friend. I want to be their equal, but that’s not quite how the story goes, so I settle for trying to hold hands with somebody I desperately crave respect from, but that’s wrong too, I learn. 

I’m 14 and convicted. How could this be wrong? I brush hands with a girl in choir and we meet eyes and I know. I watch a gay kiss on TV and I sob into my hands and I tell no one, no one, no one.

I’m 15 and I come out to my mom, haltingly, with the terminology that I have, because the thought of hiding forever—keeping quiet through one more dinner—kills me.

She tells me no. She tells me I’m wrong.

I look in her eyes and I understand: it’s not an option, and it never will be.

I’m 15 and I do my best to stop there.

It doesn’t work.

I’m 16 when I first hear my mom say that you can love someone and not approve of their lifestyle. I wonder what kind of love that is. I wonder how that kind of diluted, half-hearted, patronizing love can be enough for anyone. I wonder if she’s thought about how that feels, to be told that who you are—not by choice—is fundamentally wrong.

I’m 16 and a boyfriend is a shield. The right choice, so I make it, and it’s even almost fun. I love being his friend. I’m afraid of anything more.

I’m 17 and my youngest sibling whispers, “So am I.”

My heart breaks for the pain they’ll experience, as they too are taught, painstakingly, how to hate themself. Which parts of themself have to be kept hidden, which parts are shameful. They sit at that dinner table and hear the rhetoric that pushed me to the brink and over it, and I hope they’re stronger than I am.

They aren’t.

I’m 18 and my mom works at a college for the performing arts. I sit and curdle quietly while she talks about her genderqueer students. Misgenders them behind their backs. Deadnames used flippantly. She knows better, after all. She can be the expert on somebody else’s identity. They’re mentally ill, all of them. None of them are happy. They’re searching for something only God can provide.

I’m 19 and I come out as bisexual to the man I’m certain I’m going to marry, tearing the secret out like a bandage fused to skin. He tells me of course it’s fine, that he supports who I am. Of course people like me should have rights, of course. I laugh, relieved. Later, I find out this moment was almost a dealbreaker for him, and I wonder how much was ever real.

I’m 20 and I’m out. I’m 20 and I’m free. I’m 20 and I believe, because I’ve been told, that I am loved for who I am. All of who I am. I still flinch when I hear a car door slam.

I’m 21 and I’m searching for the connection to my womanhood. I’m searching for what makes a woman a woman. I’m reading gender theory and talking to friends around the world and wondering exactly what it is that I’m missing.

What does the rest of the world know that I don’t?

I’m 22 when my marriage ends because my body might not be attractive to my husband one day, and my parents email him in support and solidarity, expressing sympathy, and I’m not surprised.

I’m 22, and standing up for who I am has cost me everything. A spouse, two sets of parents, financial security, a city’s worth of community, more childhood friends than I can count. My parents tell me to go back in the closet so my ex-husband will love me. To them, his frustration is understandable, of course—by presenting androgynously, I’m betraying my marriage vows, after all.

I wonder, stunned into silence, where I promised to look like a woman.

I’m 23 when I come out to my parents for the third time; not as bisexual, not as trans, but as hurt. 

I lay out the pain of the last decade as succinctly as I can, hoping they’ll hear. When I assert that yes, to be in relationship with me, use of my name and pronouns is a requirement, my mother jokes, “Well, we don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

It’s not a joke.

I see the flash in her eyes, the instant regret as she laughs it off like it’s funny, but it isn’t.

The kid sitting at the dinner table knows it’s not a joke. The kid who listened to countless lectures on the morality of queerness knows it’s not a joke. The kid who stood with shaking hands and tried to bleed out the bad knows it’s not a joke. Years of casual bigotry taught me how to hate myself, which parts of myself I should cross out and ignore, which parts of myself I should be ashamed of.

I’m 23, and I have finally unlearned shame, and when I ask my parents to see me, the joke is that I’m a terrorist. I’m unreasonable.

The shock of it becomes a balm, later on.

Some jokes aren’t funny.

Some jokes aren’t jokes at all.

I’m 24 and I’m learning that it’s scary to be alone. Bigotry made me an orphan and made us strangers, and knowing that it’s the right choice to stand up for myself doesn’t make it any easier. I’m learning the only way out is through, if you’re not squeamish:

Cut off the part of yourself that’s 7 years old standing outside of their bedroom because the nightmare had teeth and claws and they are the heroes that will hold you close and make it warm again.

Amputate.

Cauterize.

Don’t let them see you bleed.

I’m learning that the wound takes a long, long time to close.

I’m 25 as I write this, and I am proud of who I am, even if I’m still bleeding. All of who I am. It’s taken a long time for me to let that person see the sun, but here we are, basking in the glow. Those wounds are healing. I am visible for everyone else who whispers, “So am I.”

Your sunshine will come. Your sunshine will come. 

Your sunshine will come.

[she-wolf09231982]

Joe Liebgott

“You Nervous?”

Summary: You thought your relationship with Liebgott was complicated…until it wasn’t and it led to an unexpected evening of overwhelming emotions and sexual tension.

A/N: One shot, Mature audience, JoeLoebgottx!FemMedic, WW2, Female Pronouns, Cursing/Swearing, Derogatory Slurs, Womanizing Comments, Military and Medical Terminology, Inappropriate Nicknames, HBO Band of Brothers References, Mentions/Descriptions of Injuries, Weaponry, Smoking. Angst/Conflict, Smut, FOREVER FLUFF

This piece was at the request of @awaterfalls ❤️ hope you like it Nat!

*These stories may not fall entirely in accordance with the TV series timeline. I do not know the real soldiers the actors portray in this series, so please understand I show no disrespect. Some or most of historical events and character interactions in my fanfics are fabricated purely for the sake of the enjoyment of fiction*

~~~~~~~

You weren’t the type to take being treated like a doormat. You were raised to find your place amongst others regardless of gender. You earned your respect because you did your job and you did it well, not because you were pretty and the guys wanted to bed you.

It was heavily frowned upon that women be on the front lines alongside men, but when nurses and medics started to get caught in the crossfire, they resorted to allowing females to do just about everything men did to fill the gaps. You had been assigned to Easy Company right after Toccoa, and most of them were less than receptive to say the least.

Eugene Roe was grateful to have an extra set of hands. Don Malarkey, Skip Muck, and George Luz were very taken with your sense of humor so they warmed up to you rather quickly. Joe Toye, Bill Guarnere, and Babe took some time, but when you tackled Bill to avoid getting blown up by enemy artillery, their demeanor towards you made a complete 360.

Easy accepted you as one of their own…except for one: Joseph Liebgott. He was the most ornery son of a bitch you ever met. He always found a reason to trash talk you, or find fault in anything you did. All because you were a ‘broad,’ as he referred to you. The guys tried to defend you but his opinion never changed about you.

You learned to just avoid him unless he needed medical attention. He did alright not getting hurt up until you guys posted in Schoonderlogt, Holland in October 1944. He had been on patrol late one night and returned with an angry gash on the right side of his neck. One of the other patrolmen they brought back, Alley, had been hit by German gunfire and needed immediate attention.

They set Alley onto a table for when Doc got there

"Boyle, get Doc." Winters instructed then looked at Liebgott, "Where?"

"Crossroads." Liebgott replied. You notice he took a dressing and pressed it against his neck.

"Well, if it wasn't for your loud mouth-" he started to accuse Joe.

"-Hey, you know what? Back off!" Liebgott shot back as Roe pushed through the gaggle.

"Get the boots off, elevate...Lieb use the sulfur... Doc directed but noticed Joe’s neck.

“Lieb, go see Y/L/N and get that checked out.” Doc added.

“Yeah, no thanks, Doc, I’m good.” Liebgott said all too quickly with disdain.

“Joe, I wasn’t askin’ ya. It needs to be cleaned and dressed properly, it can get infected then you’ll have a bigger problem to deal with that will take you off the line. Go. I ain’t got enough hands to help ya.” Doc said sternly.

Liebgott released an irritable huff before pushing through the group to find where you were.

You had already grabbed gauze, dressings and sanitizing fluid when you heard Doc scold Joe about getting his neck looked at. He sat on a bale of straw waiting for you to tend to him. You spread out the supplies and examine his neck wound. You reach out to gently move his head to the left to get more light on it and he dodged your touch.

“What the fuck are you doin’?” He asked harshly.

“I was moving your head where I had more light on the wound. Why are you so squirrely?” You ask.

“Oh, I don’t know, because I just got shot at by a bunch of fuckin’ Krauts!” He replied sarcastically as he glared at you.

“Ok well then let’s get this fixed, shall we?” You returned with as much calmness in your voice as you could muster.

You press the cloth with the antiseptic onto his laceration and he pulled back upon feeling the sting.

“Ack! THAT HURT!” He barked.

“If you’d hold still, it wouldn’t hurt as much!!”You bit back.

You were over his childish behavior towards you.

“Just get it over with.” He grumbled, finally maintaining his composure.

You made your hands busy on his neck, wrapping the dressing like a scarf around his neck after you cleaned it. Thank goodness you didn’t need to stitch it, that would’ve been hell for both of you with his attitude.

“There. You’re good.”

“Fantastic.” He replied without a thank you.

He stood up and trudged off to join the rest of Easy for the return to Crossroads to reclaim the position. The patrol had been gone all night into the following morning, but they had eventually took victory. That evening, Winters allowed the men an evening of enjoyment at a local pub in the town to boost morale.

The men had worn their dress uniforms, each looking handsome and ready to mingle with the local women and vice versa. You hadn’t dressed up since graduating Toccoa and even then, you hadn’t been with Easy Company then, so this would be the first time they ever saw you in dress uniform,

“Hey! Get a load of this!” Toye called out to the guys when you breezed through the front door.

Liebgott standing at the bar looked over his shoulder upon feeling the cold air on the back of his neck. His jaw dropped when his eyes landed on you. He scanned your figure from head to toe.

Hair clean and perfumed pulled back into a neat fashionable bun and a face with fresh make-up and painted lips. And those gams (legs) emerging from the pencil skirt and heels and of course a clean white medic brassard displaying the Red Cross around the left bicep. You almost had the entire room at a complete standstill when you walked in.

“…Woah.” Joe whispered to himself, unaware that Talbert was near by.

“Not bad, eh, Lieb?” Tab teased.

He grimaced at Floyd and turned back to the bar to drink his beer.

The night was filled with laughter, darts, dancing, and liquor. Most of Easy had at least one dance around the room with you to favorites like Bing Crosby, Ella Fitzgerald, and The Andrew Sisters. You had just finished a dance with Toye sometime around midnight when a soldier from Dog Company had approached you.

“May I have this dance?” He asked politely with a slight bow.

Joe, standing with Buck, Luz, Babe, and Toye, watched with intensity from the dart boards.

“Maybe the next song.” You reply kindly, having just sat down for the first time in an hour.

“Come on, doll, ain’t no time like the present, right?” He insisted yanking you be the arm to the dance floor.

Liebgott’s clenched jaw and furrowed eye brows caught the attention of Toye.

“Hey, uh, you ok there, Lieb?”

Joe looked at Toye inquisitively.

“Yeah, why?”

“Well, you look a little…pissed.” Toye said plainly.

“Well, I ain’t.” Joe retorted.

He looked back at the dance floor to see where you were but was suddenly concerned he couldn’t find you right away. He saw the unknown soldier had taken you to the bar to get you a drink.

He handed you a pint and insisted you drink the whole thing.

“You said you could drink me under the table, so prove it!” He said.

“Fine, just this once.” You accepted.

You started to chug the pint, but when you started to lower the glass before it was empty, the soldier tilted the bottom up so you’d keep drinking. You finished and propped the glass open side down on the surface of the bar.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back to my-“ you started before the soldier grabbed your upper arm.

“Oh we ain’t done here, honey.” He declared.

You tried to pull yourself out of his grasp but he pulled you in by the waist to hold you close.

“Get your meat hooks off of me.” You warned through clenched teeth.

“Or what?” He mocked.

“Or you’ll have half of Easy raining down on you.”

You hear a gravelly voice behind the brute soldier. He turned and there stood Joe Liebgott squaring up to him. Behind him Toye, Malarkey, Guarnere, and Luz.

“Come on, guys, there’s enough ladies here to go around, why can’t I have a little fun with this one?”

“Because she don’t wanna have fun with you.” Joe shot back, “Let her go.”

The soldier released your arm, as Liebgott gently tugged you behind him by your wrist.

“Enjoy the rest of your evening.” Liebgott said to him as they all walked with you to the dart boards.

Suddenly you feel Joe’s hand on the small of your back, guiding you to a more secluded spot in the back of the pub.

“What the fuck is the matter with you??” He sneered at you, positioning you against the wall to talk to you.

“Excuse me?”

“You fuckin’ heard me. Why would you put yourself in a position like that? That guy could’ve walked out with you easily with as much as you drank tonight.” He lectured.

“How do you know how much I’ve been drinking? And what business is it of yours who I’m interacting with anyway?” You returned crossing your arms.

Joe took in a deep breath through his nose as his anger started to elevate in his chest.

“If I wasn’t watching out for you, you would’ve gotten yourself into some real shit.”

He leaned in placing a hand against the wall you leaned on. His face hovering centimeters from your own. You feel his breath on your face, and notice his pupils blown out from what you thought was hate and detestation for you.

His eyes undressed you from your red lips down to your fitted blouse then looked into your eyes. Your breathe started to hasten, causing your chest to heave.

“You nervous?” Joe questioned.

Your breath caught in your throat.

“-no.” You breathed.

He moved closer to you, pinning you against the wall as your chests touched. Your arms relaxed to your sides as your nails dug into the brick behind you. You were, indeed, very nervous. And he knew it.

The scowl Joe had slowly curled into a mischievous grin.

“I think you are.” He whispered confidently as his hand cupped your cheek.

Your eyelashes fluttered, “Wh-what are you doing?” You managed to ask.

His thumb stroked your cheek, “Admiring the view.”

You released an exhale after holding your breath for almost 5 minutes.

“I thought you hated me?”

He brushed his nose against yours, “No. As a matter of fact, I always liked ya.”

“Then why-“

Before you could finish your sentence, he closed the gap between you, locking onto your lips like it was his dying wish.

You snake your arms carefully around his neck as he pulled you into him by your waist. You slack your jaw open to allow his tongue to run along your lips. You nip his bottom lip playfully causing his hips to thrust into you.

You yanked at his jacket, pulling him into you again to feel his hard on against you. He groaned into your mouth.

“What are you doin’ doll?” He asked with a devilish grin.

“I really don’t know but-“ you pull him in again, bringing his earlobe gently between your teeth then whisper, “we can’t stop now.”

“Let’s get outta here.” Joe suggested ushering you out the back door.

~~~~~~~

You snuck off to one of the abandoned homes down the street from where you were and barely got through the door before you were undoing his belt. You kicked of your shoes into darkness then made your way up a flight of stairs leaving pieces of your uniforms trailing the steps as you ascended.

When you were down to your slip and him down to his briefs, you scamper off to an open bedroom hoping he’d chase you…which he did. You kneeled on the bed waiting for him to come to you. He approached standing at the bedside.

You seductively crawled over to the edge of the bed and suckled a trail of kisses from his collar bone all the way down the waistband of his underwear. Joe inhaled deeply through is nostrils as he closed his eyes in ecstasy. You nip and licked at the sensitive area above his pubic line.

“Quit teasin’.” Joe purred.

“Or what?” You ask looking up at him through your lashes.

A joker like smile appeared across his face as he swiftly pushed you onto you back then crawled over you, caging you between his arms.

“You’re asked for it, sweeheart.” He proclaimed before locking onto your mouth again.

His hardened cock grinding into you, you wrap your legs around his waist to feel as much of his friction as possible. He pulls back and began pulling your slip over your head then sat back on his heels to remove his underwear.

He gaped at you laying in front of him. He ran his hand from your stomach up to one breast, groping it then repeating on the other. He hovered over you, enveloping one of your peaked nipples in his mouth. His tongue swirling over the tip while sucking had you writing beneath him. Sensing your pleasure he switched to the other, taking the tip between his teeth.

“Please, Lieb.” You beg.

“Joe.” He corrected.

You look at him.

“I want to hear you scream my name a hundred times before the end of the night.” He growled.

You beam at him, “Please, Joe.”

He palmed himself, pumping a few times before he lined himself up with your drenched opening. He glazed his tip with your wetness, groaning at the amount of saturation.

“I really did a number on you, didn’t I?” He goaded.

All you could do was smile coyly.

He pushed into you deliciously slow. You whimper, both of you feeling every bit of your tightness around him. He embraced you instinctively until he bottomed out. He pulled back gradually, then snapped his hips forward against you with a grunt.

“Jesus Christ, Y/F/N.”

“Please, Joe.” You implore quietly in his ear.

This triggers him as he begins spearing into you roughly. He sits up, propping your legs up where he can hold you around the thighs as he drives into, hitting that perfect spot so deep inside. You push against the headboard to steady yourself onto his dick, feeling that tightening feeling in your stomach as he chased your orgasm.

He watched your face expressions purposefully, feeding off how they changed as he switched up his pace.

“Joe…” you’d moan, spurring him on to go harder.

“Yeah, sweetheart, say it again.”

“My God, Joe…”

He brought his fingers to your clit, using your slick to vigorously rub the vulnerable bud as he continued to plunge in and out of you. He loved watching you get overstimulated as you try to paw at him to pull him back into kiss.

“Right there, Joe…keep goin’.” You lament.

“Yeah? Let it go, baby.” He leered as he railed into you at a heart stopping rate.

“Oh…my GOD, JOE!” You wailed as you dig your nails into his shoulders.

He kept his pace, making sure you ride out your high until the guttural noises that emitted from him as his hips started to stutter and his load coated your insides.

He remained on top of you and inside of you, holding you like a life line with sweat dripping from everywhere. Both of you breathing in sync, each of you trying to steady your heart rates.

After a moment, you decided to break the silence.

“That was…wow.”

Joe chuckled then rolled off of you as he positioned your head on his chest.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself, sweetheart.”

~~~~~~~

[thebramblewood]

Apologies if you've answered this before, but I was looking through your asks and couldn't find anything.

Do you have any advice on how you take such good screenshots of your game? You have such a knack for lighting, having variety of shots, and making them immersive.

This is so sweet. Thank you! 🥰

If I'm being honest, it's 90% vibes and gut feelings for me. I don’t have any formal background in filmmaking or photography, and everything I know is by sheer osmosis. There’s a lot of fancy terminology to describe why certain image compositions look better than others. I admire and respect anyone who purposefully keeps that in mind. But I am definitely not that person. I think I’ve watched enough film and TV, though, to subconsciously be doing the "right thing" - or at least what looks right to me.

That being said, I think the best way to improve is practice. If you spend enough time doing something you'll obviously get better at it, even if you don't realize it at first. So the most important thing is to give yourself the patience to grow and the freedom to experiment! At any rate, here are some things I've learned that will maybe be helpful to others.

Camera Tricks: We all know the camera in TS4 can be a little wonky at times. I use Buckley's camera mod. It hasn't been updated in eons but still works as far as I can tell. It gives you more freedom with movement, and I've found it especially helpful for getting shots that are lower to the ground.

Now that I've realized how sneakily useful first person camera can be, I also take advantage of that all the time. There's the trick of making your Sim look in a specific direction. (This works with poses and gameplay actions, by the way! For example, I used it to turn Caleb's head toward Lilith while he was trimming the bonsai tree.) There's the Dutch angle trick explained in this video. This is great for moments of disorientation and unease. I also just straight-up used first person camera to convey Helena's confusion upon waking after being turned.

Also, saved camera positions are your best friends. You can save up to five positions using CTRL+5-9. Then you just click the corresponding number to return to that position. I've used these for so many reasons. By taking two shots in the same position and Photoshopping them together, I've been able to edit Sims in (like Vlad below), fix accessory clashes (the book was in the hat category, so Lilith couldn't actually wear it at the same time as the towel on her head), and to pose Sims in open doorways (Helena had to walk through the door to open it for the Vatores, so I shot both halves separately).

Zoom: I love smashing that zoom button, whether it's zooming way in or way out. Zoomed out shots are perfect for establishing setting or as interstitial shots during a long conversation when you don't want to always focus on Sims' faces. They're also great for the draaama. Extreme close-ups are great for emphasizing emotion or a tiny but significant detail. Playing around with the extremes of zoom is one of the best ways to achieve shot variety!

Focus: I don't think Reshade is a necessity for good visual storytelling, but it does make certain things easier. I rely a lot on depth of field shaders to pull focus in shots. I like using cinematic depth of field especially in conversations to blur some characters while emphasizing others. I feel like this helps ground conversations because it reminds us there are multiple participants instead of always zeroing in on the speaker alone. Another way to play with focus is to allow the angle to mirror the emotions of the conversation. It's an older shot, but I always liked how Caleb seems to cower beneath Lilith's bat form here even though she's technically smaller. And in the recent conversation between Lilith and Helena, I kept the camera to Lilith's back to emphasize her vulnerability and discomfort and put the focus on Helena's reaction to it.

Framing/Angles: I do this by pure instinct, honestly, and have gotten better at getting it right on the first shot over time. I used to take half a dozen shots of the same pose from different angles and choose the best one. Nowadays, I'm quicker to commit and often take only one shot. I've learned that if something immediately tickles my brain, it's usually the way to go. I usually angle shots so that the characters aren't looking directly at camera, as it seems more natural that way. On the other hand, sometimes the direct to camera look can actually work in more confrontational or unsettling moments.

Environment: If I can help it, I don't do my own builds. In some ways, this is a disadvantage because I have to set up the scene within a space that wasn't specifically catered to it. On the other hand, it makes for fun little surprises, like the ability to peek in through a skylight or frame two characters within perfectly placed archways. I like using objects and structures to create interest when I can. I often don't discover things like this until I'm pulling the camera around and randomly happen upon them. I definitely recommend navigating all around to see what you've got to work with before committing to any specific angle. You might find one you didn't even think of!

Lighting: I do what I can with the game's lighting. I avoid placing ceiling lamps or at least turn the brightness down much lower, and I don't usually turn all the lights on in a room at once. I tend to change the color to one of the warmer golden hues to avoid a stark white that washes everything out. I always like when I can get some sources of light into frame because it adds a lot to the ambience. But I've also been using Relight on all of my posts lately. It's an addiction, and it truly makes all the difference. I'll use it to give light sources a stronger glow so they stand out more and also to create shadows on Sims' faces. It's also very good for flashlights and computer screen glow!

After having self-indulgently written all this, I'm not sure how much is usable advice versus rambling musings. I find it hard to give storytelling "tips" because so much of it feels innate and personal and hard to put into generalized terms. I also don't want to imply that every one of my shots is perfect or that there aren't a million other ways to go about achieving good results. But thank you to anyone who's made it this far, and I hope you found it worthwhile. 💕

[jeanstapleton]

fine ill embarass myself & put them here since they dont show up in the tags. klingcahy thoughts

klinger is a virgin; he's never known what to make of the link between his bisexuality & relationship to gender, which made his few attempts at romance in the past end awkwardly.

mulcahy has had sex prior to becoming a priest -- mostly raunchy impulsive trysts as he was discovering his gayness -- but he ultimately chose priesthood/the military as a sort of "cure"; this doesn't affect the way he views other lgbt ppl.

crossdressing quickly became a very serious thing for klinger, which he obviously can't express to the rest of the camp; hawkeye is the only one he trusts with this information until his relationship with mulcahy develops further

the bible is not mulcahy's only reading material, as the show likes to joke about; he has a lot of gay/lesbian pulp that he conceals between the pages since they're so thin, and a good amount of science fiction. also his trusty boxing manuals 👀

klingcahy intimacy starts with little offerings of comfort to each other; klinger comes to mulcahy's tent often not necessarily to confess but to vent; eventually he toes the line & tries bringing up his thoughts about gender & sexuality, & to mulcahy its like a light in the darkness.

one thing that happens is that mulcahy starts offering to wash klinger's feet under the pretense of providing him some relief from the high heels; the intimacy does not go unnoticed between them, nor does the allure of mulcahy's gentle strength or klinger's legs.

one time klinger offers to make mulcahy proper priest robes & while taking measurements it starts leaning into mulcahy trying crossdressing; its alien & almost scandalous to him at first but klinger describes it like mulcahy's softness/tenderness is visible on the outside now & it changes his entire outlook.

there is a Lot of slow body worship when their relationship eventually culminates, but they don't have sex right away. mostly making out & dry humping; in an environment where sexuality is free & easy for everyone else, kissing is particularly important to them. its sips of water in the desert, & they know if they push beyond that before they're ready, they'll choke on each other.

klinger is afraid of penetration & mulcahy needs to relearn a lot of things; more than anything, they need to learn how to view their bodies as "deserving" of intimacy.

mulcahy has a higher threshold for pain, & being that catholicism is *waves hands* all of that, some of the things that turn him on are in the realm of self-flagellation (pinching, scratching, biting, slapping, etc); klinger does not engage in this nor does mulcahy expect him to, but sometimes the first two are easy to fall into.

i dont view it as a top-bottom/dom-sub relationship, but mulcahy is both a receiver & an instructor, so in that sense, he takes charge while klinger is more passive (also a plus that klinger's praise kink gets fluffed every time mulcahy lets him know he's making him feel good)

they dont have penetrative sex until they finally get an R&R weekend

i think theyd be nb transfem if they had the terminology back then; their respective senses of fashion/gender expression are very important in foreplay (or at least eventually, since theres a lot of internalized homophobic guilt to unlearn in that area).

[feathers-little-nest]

And here it is, the list of my fav Iron Widow moments! Enjoy?

As always feel free to discuss with me or share your favorite moments!!

It's below the cut bcs spoilers

- chapter 5, I figured that I could note my fav moments of this book as well XD

- starting on not the best note, I fucking hate Yang Guang, I hate him so much, I want to rip his guts out,

- chapter 8, the fight was so epic!! I love how MC just kinda forgor about the whole dying thing and went with the flow

- and that she killed that motherfucker! I didn't have to tolerate him for too long >:D

- it's honestly quite funny that Qin Zheng was killed by pox (I hope I'm getting the name of the illness right lol, I'm reading this in Polish translation and have 0 knowledge about any medical terminology in English)

- just a note but it's harder for me to keep up with those notes for Iron Widow than for Qian Qiu. I think it's because 1. its pace is faster 2. its chapters are shorter. so anyway

- chapter 10, Wu Zetian just needs to scream 24/7 and I respect it so much

- chapter 12, idk, Li Shimin is kinda cute

- I also like strategist Zhuge but that may be just because he has a fan

- chapter 13, those qi power statistic are so untrustworthy lol. I wouldn't be so happy to have so much higher qi stats than the average if the margin of error is like 17k

- chapter 14, damn, I miss Yizhi...

- chapter 19, oh my god, Yizhi is back!! T^T

- I absolutely love all the tiny historical details in this story. I'm probably missing a lot but those which I can catch are amazing (and satisfying, good to know that I know something about Chinese history after all that learning)

- chapter 20, OMG YIZHI IS BI?? IS THIS FINALLY SOME GOOD BI REP??

- ZETIAN IS ALSO BI?? AM I IN HEAVEN? WHAT'S GOING ON??

- omg Gao Yizhi grabbing Li Shimin's leash is one of the things I need to draw, damn, it paints such a clear picture in my mind

- chapter 21, Sima Yi is just a hater by nature and I start to enjoy it,

- chapter 23, Yizhi screaming "you can't shoot me I'm rich!!!" I love this boy

- chapter 29, god, Yizhi, Shimin and Zetian are sooo cute

- also "one traumatized Xing Tian", that made me laugh out loud

- "usually adding qi of a third person only strengthened the dissonance (...) no one knows why we succeeded" yeah I wonder why, hmmmmmm

- chapter 30, MY BABYGIRL LI SHIMIN GOT CALLED AN ALPHA MALE I'M DYINGGG

- I kinda like Gao Qiu. I know he's probably bad news but damn, he's fun

- also a Wu Zetian fan nr1, seeing his reaction I'm surprised that he didn't ask for an autograph (I forgot that he's sexist af)

- tho, tbh, I think he's more afraid of what he can't control than purely sexist; interesting guy, I want to dissect him,

- I wonder if anything happened between LSM and GYZ during that party at Gao's, hmm,

- chapter 31, OUR THIRD PARTNER YIZHI, AWWW

- chapter 36, I actually think Sima Yi might be one of my fav characters? come on, the guy came to the wedding just because he wanted to support his little dumdums

- chapter 39, YES FUCK AN LUSHAN

- damn I didn't think they'll actually kill him. oh well. he won't be missed. judging by his character, even his son won't miss him

- Yizhi is the wife in this throuple, isn't he /jk

- OMG THE TRIANGLE IS FINISHED, THAT WAS SO CUTE!! WAAH

- chapter 42, I like how Wu Zetian's reaction to something not going well is just "maybe we should burn ourselves alive actually", relatable queen

- Sima Yi just lost his good guy badge. he better have a damn good excuse for abondoning MCs this easily,

- chapter 44, QIN PIERDOLONY ZHENG, już zawsze będę go tak nazywać 🫡

- chapter 46, is Qin Pierdolony Zheng playing snake with hunduns instead of apples¿?

- I still can't believe that Shimin is actually dead. Like. Dead dead. Super dead. Human marmalade dead. How... why him T^T

- chapter 47, I love how among all this death and destruction the worst problem Qin Pierdolony Zheng has is inflation,

- epilogue, DID SHIMIN BECOME A GOD PLS TELL ME HE BECAME A GOD

- Qin Pierdolony Zheng has a beef with gods, I think he's the most rel character now

[penroseparticle]

Penrose Song of the Day Bonus Track: Folded Out by Stolen Jars

Help, I'm experiencing skill gap. If you only read one song of the day read this one, it's just as personal and not as private.

There's a lot of music. A LOT! There's too much music. (There will never be enough). There are so many songs and styles and instruments and conventions and broken expectations and formats and hooks and methods.

Music is probably the largest language I care to learn, after math (Which is just music before we could hear it). So it's frustrating to want to have the language to talk about it without having that language.

This is not a song that I had ever heard of until today. But it is an instant classic. Shoutout to @Telomar, someone I greatly respect the musical tastes of. I'm a bit afraid of it actually, which feels good to admit. A relief to stop holding that insecurity tight to my body.

I don't know anything! I am a fraud, an idiot, a know nothing know it all. I think I know so much about music and I am simply not that smart. I like music but I don't know what I'm doing.

And I know that's not true, I don't know nothing. I played instruments, I can interrogate a text. I'm learning terminology and song structure and what my tastes are (not just things I like, but why I like them). I want to make music one day but I'm scared to start. I feel like I don't have enough time in the day to do everything I want to and this one is the one I'm most scared of. What if I suck. What if I'll never get decent, let alone good. What if the things I have to say are boring or bad or ugly or cruel. What if I've only ever thought I was musically inclined but I'm actually a tone deaf fop.

It's hard to be authentic, because for starters I'm sick of that asshole, and I think he's kind of overhyped, and basic as fuck. But I won't start being authentic by being afraid to be open right. I gotta admit the things I like, the things I don't know, and when I'm only learning. Stop pretending I know what's going on and be ok with saying I don't know what that is, what that means, who that is, what that song is. I instantly look them up, I listen, I give my honest feedback. I'm starting to pick out instrumentation tracks. I'm going to get good. I'm going to be perfectly hyped, and have something interesting to say.

But that starts by admitting my smallness. No one anywhere knows everything about their field, it is actually impossible. No one is expected to. All I can do is do my best at.

What's so intimidating about your tastes @Telomar is that your tastes are specific. I like that I can hear a song that you like and recognize why it's something you like, even if I can't name it yet. I'm starting to recognize genres that I would associate with you. I'm starting to interrogate different aspects of music that I wouldn't have before. I don't know, it makes me stretch in a good way. I want to meet you there, in your music. Maybe I decide I don't like the weather, or that I only want a summer home where you listen. But I want to know the roadmap of how to get there. I want to be able to find you in the ocean of sound, if that makes sense.

So I've been dabbling back and forth through a playlist of faves he has, doing some homework. Listening to music I never knew, music I like, some I don't care for. But none of it bad- I'm appreciating what's there more and more.

I want to know more. I can't sit on my laurels, I can't do nothing. I can't lose focus. If you care about something, you have to put in the effort right? Even if you're tired. You do what you can.

Folded Out has a country guitar sensibility. It has a delicate percussion. It has a clear, intriguing melody line for the guitar. The layering is slow, methodical, and clear. There's a homespun feel to the song. It's a bit of soft, sweet Stomp Clap. It's cute. It gives you that chest feeling. It's good. Good job Stolen Jars. Good job.

Anyways, have a second song of the day because writing the Bare one unclogged something.

You could be dead right now. Go listen to something you love.

[sevilemar]

Because I had a weird and uncomfortable D&D session yesterday, but in a good way (type 2 fun in larp terminology), I need to metabolize it, and that's why you get the evolution of my PC Selise.

In the beginning, Selise knew good and evil and the eternal holy war she was born into, far away from the rest of the world. She knew her people fought for centuries to keep the Overlords bound, and protect the world from an evil so overwhelming that it would end life as we knew it. It was her holy duty to fight, and she did it gladly, with the eternal song in her heart, and the colours of her people on her clothes.

Then, she got chosen to wander the outside world for a year, and report on where the influence of the bound Overlords may be strenghtening.

And suddenly, things were not so easy anymore. She saw the pettyness and greed of the world, and could not understand why they would squander the gift of freedom her people bleed for every day. She fought every undead abomination she came across, only to learn that a whole nation considers the undead to be nothing more than cheap servants.

She met a healer, a man of this belief that she almost came to respect for his prowess in battle and his dedication to healing, only to learn that he himself was a creature not quite dead, but not truly alive, either.

And he did to her the worst thing she could imagine; he killed her in self-defense, and destroyed her soul, and brought her body back to wander the earth for eternitiy, forever craving the blood of mortals, and completely cut-off from joining her people in the silver light and eternal song that protects this wretched world even after death.

She shore her hair and burned her possessions, and she did not care about herself anymore. The only thing she could think of was revenge on the one who cut her off from her light, her creators, her people.

She eventually learned that she was still in possession of her soul, that her gods had not forsaken her, and that she could still choose to fulfill her mission if she accepts. She did.

She is trying to come to terms with what she is now, in the only way she knows: by fighting. In the months of downtime while waiting for their next expedition, she takes more and more risky mercenary jobs, she fights in the streets and gets arrested, and she uses these fights to hone her new abilities. She grapples with the hunger that never goes away, and the addicting, overwhelming pleasure she feels when she slakes her thirst, so different from everything she had known before.

And she has learned that her former unquestioned impulse to fight everything she deems evil is not the right way, because it was punished so harshly. So she checks it, puts her own beliefs away, until there is only the mission.

She has learned that shades of grey exist, that even the things she now has to do to survive do not damn her soul, just like the man who brought her back intended. And she takes it to mean that whatever she has to do to get her mission done is allowed now, she does not have to adhere to even her own moral code any longer, because her mission is what counts, because her mission is holy.

This is her now, bruised from fighting in the streets, with a vest and haircut she got from a fellow mercenary, and cheap trousers and trinkets she got in the big city, bought with the money she earned, instead of the holy garments given to her by her creators.

It breaks my heart seeing her like this, because what I am seeing is the beginning of her villain origin story.

I am playing through it, and experiencing how right it all feels to her, while I can see at the same time how wrong it all is from the outside. And I know that she's never got a real choice in any of it, and the unfairness of it all is crushing. And at the same time, it's so frightening how right it feels to her, how easy it is to justify, well, anything now when I am her.

[amynchan]

As a college instructor in the United States who watches her students Struggle (with a capital S!!)

Help is offered at the expense of the college, which come from what you pay the college to attend. Office hours, tutoring, counseling, health services, and the like are there because we expect and hope that you'll use them.

Tutoring services are also paid on behalf of the college. There are academic coaches, who are adults that are paid to help you learn the study skills you may want to learn, and there are peer tutors. The peer tutors are paid by the college (and, again, your fees) to provide help to you in a subject they have passed. These students are also screened by the teachers. We, as instructors, are told to keep an eye out for students who not only pass the class but have the actual bearing and attitude we want in our tutors: patient, understanding, and willing to ask for help themselves. Our tutors are only people who have been in your shoes, and we want them like that to best help you when you are REALLY frustrated.

An 'A' means 'well above the expectation and norm.' When I'm looking at 'A' papers, I'm looking at students who have gone well and above the typical in explaining what needs to be explained and triple checking their work. These are students who I feel SUPER confident will go into the next English course with little to no problem. A 'B' means that you're above the expectation and norm. I'm solidly confident you'll do well in the next class. There are some areas that need focus, but I'm solidly confident in you. A 'C' means that you may struggle in the next class. Maybe the content didn't mesh well with you; maybe you weren't able to demonstrate how much you know. However, a 'C' means that you are ready to at least try the next level up. It will be difficult. It may suck, but you're ready to try. A 'D' means you're not ready for the next level up. There are some major flaws with the work you present, and you may need more time to iron those flaws out before you're ready for the next level. At this point, an 'F' means you didn't turn it in, didn't pay attention to the directions, or got plucked out of school by a whirlwind of literally anything. It means that your head isn't in the game, and it would be a severe disservice to both me and you to let you go for the next level. A-C is a vote of confidence for you. D is saying that you may need more time with the material. F means that your attention is being placed somewhere other than school.

I teach college now, but I went from computer science to digital art to mathematics to English. My father, who is also a teacher, wanted to study engineering before he went into computer science and eventually into teaching mathematics. My mother has had a colorful range of jobs, occupations, and studies before getting her Master's degree at 46, right next to her 26 year old daughter getting that same Master's degree. You take however long you take, and there will be people to celebrate with you, whatever you decide.

I run into my students at their work sometimes. Yk what I do? I give them the respect their job demands of them. At the grocery store, it's still "thank you sir/ma'am." Same thing at fast food, the tire shop, or anywhere else that I need to be. I haven't run into any nonbinary students at their place of work yet, but I will figure out the respectful non-gendered address for them. It's actually the norm to have a job while in college because that shit is expensive. Students who work are students who have my respect. It's not easy.

There's no such thing as an 'easy subject.' Now, there are entry-level subjects, but you're missing the point if you call it 'easy.' 'Entry-level' means that a person of any range may find difficulty with some of the terminology or thought process behind the subject, and it is the job of us, the teacher, to get you all to a level where you're all at the intermediate level. Then raise you all to advanced, then to a level where you can take that information and go in your own separate directions. Some people will have trouble from the beginning. That means that the course is effectively catching everyone. Some people won't have trouble with entry-level courses at all. That means they'll get their time when they hit intermediate or advanced. But the entry-level courses exist exactly because people have trouble with the subjects at that level. There's no shame in that. It's an entry level course; you're entering.

DEAR HEAVENS AND LORD ABOVE PLEASE WITHDRAW WHEN YOU NEED TO!!! As an instructor, a withdraw tells me something very important: you understand your own life and you're own balance and you're not afraid to trim the fat when you're getting overwhelmed. A withdrawal also doesn't affect your GPA (and all the attachments) like an F would. I personally have a W on my transcript. I've never once been asked about it. If you choose to withdraw, your teachers will support you because you're doing what you can for your goals and your own life. The W is so much better than the 'F.' If you have questions about it, 100% ask your advisor. Part of their job is to help explain all the transcript stuff to you when you have questions (more of those resources that your fees are paying for and that you have a right to use).

This is the same as 4. I zip-zapped between the weirdest things, as my father and mother did before (and with!) me. My older brother, who is still currently in college, has also zip-zapped all over the place. Change your major if you realize that staying in this one will make you miserable. This is your life, and you deserve to live it in a way that makes you feel fulfilled. If you force yourself through a major that you don't like, you won't end up in a job you find fulfilling, and the degree will not be worth it at that point.

Our part-time students are so incredibly important. Yes, we want to get students through and get them their degrees, but our part-time students are typically part of the community. A community college is based on that very idea. There are also students who take one course at a time because that course is hard. I've known students to take only Calculus because it's hard. I've known students to take only my ENG 1 course because there's a lot of reading and writing demanded of them and they've got other obligations. You are fine. Just do your best and ask for help when you need it. Focus on succeeding at your own pace. We're here to help, not to judge.

I've had students drop and withdraw and straight up leave the college. Yeah, I feel a bit sad that I couldn't help them, but I also have to trust that my students know what's best for themselves. In the end, I got in this profession because I wanted to help other people achieve their goals and live their own lives. If your own life is calling you to another school, as an instructor, I say do it. Just straight up do it. Do what you need to to grasp the life that you want to live.

I know this got really long-winded, but I really hope those who needed to know can know this now. As an instructor at a community college (and as a peer tutor for years before that), my job is and always has been to facilitate the success of my students. If doing any of these things can help you succeed and get to the part of your life you want to get to, then by all means, please do it.

Important Academic Reminders

there is no shame in asking for help

there is no shame in having a tutor

there is no shame in not getting As

there is no shame in not knowing what you want to study

there is no shame in having a job

there is no shame in struggling in a so-called "easy subject"

there is no shame in withdrawing from a course

there is no shame in changing your major

there is no shame in not taking a full load of classes in a semester

there is no shame in realizing your school may not be for you

hope these are useful :) -love pika☁️

[chemicaljacketslut]

i gave my dog a little treat in a little treat thingy

[id: little treat thingy, aka pink kong puppy binkie]

& he likes to jump up on the ottoman and feel tall while he’s trying to get the treat out. except he is clumsy and keeps dropping the little treat thingy and then staring at it so, so miserably, so pitifully, like he is just a little orphan boy who has just dropped his last penny into the gutter, until i pick it up for him. this happens about every 20 seconds or so

[id: my dog staring longingly at the little treat thingy which he has just accidentally knocked onto the floor. in the background is a pink pig dog toy that he has decapitated]

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Hey can I get tankman, ruv, selever, whitty, pico, and senpai with a s/o that’s a shy nonbinary reader that has a lot of dysphoria and gets misgendered a lot but there to shy to do anything about it?

It’s okay if you’re not comfortable writing this tho :)

Tankman

John will assure that all of his troops know your preferred pronouns.

And he'll get on their asses if they slip up (whether by accident or on purpose).

If any enemy tries misgendering you just to rile him up--they're already dead with a hundred lead bullets in their corpse.

He doesn't mind that you're shy about speaking up. Talking is his specialty (and a necessity considering his rank)

Ruv

"Hey. Don't be an ass and just assume s/o's gender."

He's blunt and to the point.

Whoever he's telling off is sure to not make the same mistake twice.

Ruv may be wanted for thievery, murder, and assault. But even he's decent enough to respect pronouns.

Selever

"HEY SHITASS HOW 'BOUT IF I MISGENDERED YOU?!!!"

Even when you try telling him not to make a scene...he makes a huge scene.

He gets hella defensive over things (and people) he likes.

But after the situation's over he'll just cuddle with you and reassure you that you're wonderful in every way.

Whitty

When he learns how common it is for people to misgender others on purpose, it confuses and upsets him

Especially when you mention how many times it's happened to you.

From that point on he'll make sure you don't come across any rude jerks.

And he'll use some gender-neutral terminology he learned about to compliment you, hoping to cheer you up.

Pico

Mess with him, his friends, or s/o..and the offender is going down.

He's got the same feisty temperament as John.

If you don't want him to make a big deal out of someone misgendering you, he won't.

He'll just send them a glare that'll make them regret ever doing that.

Senpai

Learning you were used to being misgendered all the time hurt him.

Because he hates to see you get upset yet accept it quietly.

He'll be the one to correct the person who did that.

But if they're rude, he's gonna be rude right back.

Like a chivalrous knight he'll defend you to the end.

[simonalkenmayer]

Pardon me while I think aloud. Join me if you like for yet another useless edition of “Simon reflects on reality”

Education breaks people out of their prejudices, their individual narrow perspectives. It teaches people compassion and egalitarian perspectives. It informs people not just of injustices, but also moments of hope.

To be able to maintain bigoted ideals, while in a university, means you are not being educated. Bigotry is dogged, chosen, stubborn ignorance for the sake of ego.

This is why clubs like “young conservatives” make me cringe. If you go into a class or an educational institution determined to keep the same perspective, then you are failing at learning, at life, frankly. If you do not have at least one “holy shit, I’ve been so blind” moment from school, then school was likely useless to you,

You have to be humble to learn. And humility teaches grace and compassion. Those qualities lead to generosity and kindness, and the notion that every experience is subtly different, even if similar. It teaches that each person should respect that theirs is not the only path, but indeed that all paths travel the same route.

Once you absorb these things, you cannot help but want to invest in community, in reform, in balance, in less regulation of rights and more regulation of power to oppress or disadvantage. The more you learn about the complexity of reality, the more you come to despise games and useless drama to stir the kettle.

I have learned a tremendous amount while here on tumblr, just from the interactions I have had. It has helped me acquire whole new disciplines, entire perspectives. It’s helped me have terminology, insight, humility. I have changed how I think about dozens of topics. For that I am supremely grateful to all of my readers. This compels me to feel protective and indebted to all of you.

In whatever I do, I try always to find something useful to me within it. If I’m standing in line, I either try to learn about the people in it, or I use the time to read, or I listen to news. Always learning something. No time left unenriched. I’ve been supremely lucky to meet all of you, ridiculous people included.

I’ve rambled a bit, but the principle take away is, learning ought to never feel like an assault on the mind. It ought never lead a person to stay the same, with resolute surety. Education is transformation. So if you are not willing and able to transform, then an education that you pay for is wasted on you. When I meet a conservative from an Ivy League school, I know two things: they wasted their educational resources, and they have a very serious psychological disadvantage, specifically a deeply engrained bias for their ego. Privilege.

A good education is one part “here’s all the things you never even knew to ask”, one part “here is some rational, logical, methodical ways to reason about what we learn in any subject”, one part “this is where we need more research/help/evolution”, one part “isn’t it nice to stretch your character out of the tight ball within which your youthful conceit has kept you confined”.

In the Eithuphro dilemma, Plato put forward a situation designed to challenge: is piety beloved by the gods because it is piety, or is anything beloved by the gods considered pious. In other words: is this thing/law/tradition/way “good” because it is loved by a god, or does god love it because it is, of itself, just correct somehow. It’s a critical point of early philosophy, because Socrates (the character) eventually comes to the conclusion that if something is pious simply because it is loved by god, then piety is arbitrary. The condition of “pious” is subjective. If something is, in and of itself just and correct, but is not loved by the gods, should it be discarded as impious if gods do not embrace it? He asks (somewhat famously now courtesy of modern hip hop) “whose bias do you seek?”

Education teaches that some things are just more organized, benefit larger groups and so lead to net change. There is such a thing as a concept of improvement, and some things improve overall conditions, and some do not. If you are pursuing something because you’ve been told that it is correct, then you are seeking a bias, not the potential reality. Education is an attempt to gain perspective of the truth, the reality. Not a bias.

Whose bias do you seek? Or are you able to strip bias back and say “from this process, I can perceive what will constitute a net gain for everyone and how to achieve it”. Have you learned how to overlap every biased account and find the one consistent thing in all of them? Have you acquired the skills you need to evaluate reality, to analyze it, to make decisions about what will be progress and what will eventually become obsolete?

Hatred will become obsolete, the more we learn about each other. Seeing events transpire erases incredulity. Allowing one small group of people to enrich themselves solely because they can, at the cost of others well-being will inevitably seem unfair, a net loss. Unregulated capitalism is madness. Religion as a mandate rather than an experience becomes oppressive. Society organizes. Harmony is sought by society, or society is without a purpose. Education has purpose to it. It’s for something. If you don’t have the goal of remaking who you are, of changing, then you’re not being educated and you are instead seeking bias. Society ought to invest in the education of all members. If it does not, history tells us it will fall.

You are not educated because an institution gave you a diploma, just as you are not pious because god loves you. You are educated when you are capable of evaluating bias, coming to the facts, determining what constitutes a net gain for as many a possible, and what is just and fair in and of itself. This is why institutions grant honorary degrees—acknowledging that one has achieved the same result, education, through another path. Are you “educated” because you bought some time and put all the right answers on the test, or are you educated because every class you took stripped back perspectives and gave you the bare bones, the pith and marrow of the topic?

Do you seek a bias? Or do you seek to undo as many biases as possible?

Thank you for coming to my TED talk. I hope you’ve enjoyed it.

[writingwithcolor]

Arab Character Joining Corrupt Superheroes, Police Parallels

Anonymous asked:

I’m writing a story with a Arabian diaspora main character. The story is about corrupt superheroes, and how they affect an oppressed superpowered minority. The main character is one of these superheroes, naively joining them in his teens believing he’s going to help people. Doesn’t help that his parents are having money trouble. Eventually he ends up fighting a superpowered crook, and gets a bystander killed.

1)I know portraying an Arabian character committing violence is a pretty touchy subject, even if accidental. Is there any way I can write this that makes it clear to the reader that the action itself is messed up without the unfortunate implication that Arabs are violent? 

2)A large part of the story is the MC’s parents reaction. They are loving parents, however after this incident happens, they are confused and ashamed. While they still love him, they temporarily cut ties with him. Eventually they reconcile and start to be a family again. In my research (they are diaspora Saudi Arabians), Family is very important and tight-nit. Shame towards the family is to be avoided at all costs. However I’ve also read that disowning a family member rarely ever happens. Is there a way to write this kind of narrative with respect to this aspect of Arabian culture?

Let us begin with some terminology.

- If a person is from Saudi Arabia, they are Saudi Arabian, or more commonly, Saudi. This is their nationality.

- They may or may not be Arab. Arab is an ethnicity. Not all Saudis are Arab. Not all Arabs are Saudi.

- Arabic is a language. Lots of people across the world who are neither Saudi nor Arab speak Arabic.

- Arabian on its own is a word used to refer to a specific breed of horses.

If you are referring to humans, you want to either say "Saudi Arabian" (both words) or “Saudi” to indicate nationality, or "Arab" to indicate ethnicity. If you’re looking to describe your character’s culture, you probably want to call it Saudi culture. (While grammatically correct, talking about “Arab culture” doesn’t make much sense because Arabs are an incredibly diverse ethnic group and there is no such thing as a single monolithic Arab culture).

Now for the first question. In my mind, the issue is less about the character committing violence, and more about the premise of the story and how it mirrors real-life oppressive structures. You have an organized group of superheroes who think they are doing good by fighting “crooks” but in reality are enacting systemic oppression upon a marginalized group. This immediately brings to mind police violence, racial profiling, and the way that policing in North America is used as a tool of white supremacy while glorified in propaganda as a force for good. Essentially, you are telling a story about a character who joins an oppressive policing force, enacts violence upon a marginalized group as a result, and (I’m assuming) eventually realizes that they are not, in fact, the good guys. This is very close to being a “bigoted character learns not to be bigoted” story. I recommend re-examining your premise in light of the real-life parallels and asking yourself whether this is the story you want to tell. 

The issue is compounded by the fact that your character is an Arab teen, who in real life is more likely to be the one facing racial profiling from the police. Taking this character and making him the oppressor in your story makes the already flawed premise even more problematic, especially if the characters in the oppressed group are white.

As for your second question, it seems believable to me that a teen’s parents might reject him if they learned that he committed a crime. However, when the family in question is Arab, you are suddenly feeding into harmful tropes about oppressive and violent Arab parents. You are asking if there is a way to write this respectfully. I believe that there is, but it requires a great deal of care, nuance, and cultural awareness. While it is possible to write a Saudi Arab character grappling with the consequences of violence and familial estrangement in a compelling way, the way your ask is phrased leads me to believe you are not equipped to do it justice. 

- Mod Niki

Think about why Arab people committing violence is a touchy subject, and then think about the general propaganda narrative that came about from the act that made things so touchy. 

It’s going to sound one hell of a lot like what you have here.

Military and police use buckets and buckets of propaganda to continue hooking in young, impressionable teens to commit state-sanctioned colonialism and oppression. That propaganda looks suspiciously like “we have health insurance, we will pay for your education, you just have to do what we tell you even if that means hurting or killing others, but it’s okay because you get to be the hero in the situation.”

Now, propaganda is a very powerful tool. I was taught, in my media classes, that controlling the message means shaping reality. The media is built as a propaganda machine, and when you start to see who owns what media properties you start to see some really disturbing patterns (Rubert Murdoch owns a lot of right-wing sources across America, the UK, and Australia, and he’s too rich to investigate his culpability in spinning terrible narratives found in right-wing publications. He owns the big names).

As Niki said, this situation mirrors police violence and police-sanctioned terrorism. And the very, very unfortunate implications of making the target of police violence be in that wheel. But I want you to look at the media situation that has made the plot happen.

Because even if you swapped out ethnicities, you’d still have a reckoning to do with the American culture that their primary social safety nets involve killing people.

I am not kidding.

Some of the most well-funded unions in the country are police unions. These people have pensions. They have health insurance. It’s damn near impossible to fire them. They get overtime very well mandated, and it’s a known thing among defence lawyers that arrests happen right before a cop’s shift will end so they get the overtime of filing the paperwork. They absolutely go into poor neighbourhoods and recruit based off people needing an escape, and them having the money to provide it.

A similar sentiment is true for the military, except they push for college education a bit more and don’t really have overtime, but they do have deployment bonuses. So the way to get extra pay for yourself is to go out and do colonialism outside the borders. The military doesn’t necessarily like it when the economy is doing well, and don’t like the idea of college being affordable, because they rely so heavily on poverty and fear of college debt to recruit. 

The story you’re telling here goes so far beyond an individual’s actions and instead taps into America’s single biggest cultural investment: that oppressing others makes you a hero. 

The Pentagon funds most military media out there as a propaganda tool, including most superhero movies and a large number of video games. This is in their budget. They will also go so far as to literally commission the games to exist. Part of getting that funding is you cannot critique America’s military, basically at all (the only exception I’ve seen is Ms Marvel, but that’s set in the 90s). This turns any sort of military-using media into a potential propaganda tool.

And the thing is? Even if you fall for that propaganda and were part of the military or the police, you still have to reckon with the fact you put whatever your own desires were above a huge track record of those groups being terrible. You still have to reckon with the fact you didn’t realize they were wrong, and were complicit in a lot of crimes.

This goes very far beyond “the action is terrible” and goes into “the system is rotten to its core, and you chose not to believe it, or to believe you could change what was built with blood.”

“Good” police officers get fired. If you try to question anything, if you try to say this action is wrong, you will absolutely get destroyed. Military’s much the same. You need some degree of buy-in to the concept of white supremacy to sign up for the military or the police, because you need to see their actions as not deal breakers instead of actions that violate multiple international laws. 

In short: you need to see the people being oppressed as deserving of being oppressed to some degree in order to participate with police and the military.

Marginalized people can hold this belief, it happens. But that is a very sticky situation that outsiders shouldn’t touch. 

It’s possible but difficult for you to write a white person having this sort of arc, but it would be extremely challenging to have it not come across as a white guilt story. To not have a socially aware audience roll their eyes at how long it took. You’d definitely not be writing a story with a diverse audience in mind, because you’d mostly appeal to those who saw the propaganda as just fine and not that bad.

This isn’t even getting into the oft-cited adage that boys who bully others become cops, while girls who bully become nurses. And the more police atrocities become mainstream news, the less and less people can convince themselves that becoming a police officer is a good thing.

Which brings me to the point of: how well-documented is this oppression? Is this character walking around in an oppressive situation like, say, pre-social-media where there was no direct access to the oppressed groups and you could close your eyes and look away even if it made national news? Or is this in a media connected world where these oppressed populations have a voice in the narrative?

The former has an angle of the character slowly realizing the horror and it’s slightly more forgivable for their early ignorance. But in any sort of world where there’s access to the people getting hurt? Things get more and more “ignorance is indistinguishable from maliciousness.” And keep in mind, these stories are read in the real world, where police brutality and war crimes go viral, and a lack of knowledge is getting harder and harder to defend as a position.

Media plays a huge role in shaping our perception of what’s happening. Cameras on a situation makes different activism tactics work, as we can see with how activism changed in the 60s and 70s as tv reached the masses. Social media has made it possible for you to look up firsthand accounts of discrimination within seconds. 

This is a factor you are absolutely going to have to consider, when you want to look at how nice your hero is seen by marginalized or otherwise socially-aware people. If there is a way to find out how bad this superhero organization is before you sign a contract with them? Then that doesn’t look particularly good on the “hero”. You’d really have to establish them as super idealistic, super sheltered, super desperate, and/or just swallow the knowledge that they really don’t see anything that happens “over there to those people” as that bad. 

All of the above is more than possible. And they’d still be seen as complicit no matter what justification you gave, because they are.

Does this mean all corrupt organization stories are off limits? No. The reason these stories have such deep cultural resonance right now is because of the propaganda I outlined above. 

But you as the author are going to have to examine your own engagement with the propaganda narrative and do your own private reckoning so your own sense of guilt and compliance doesn’t bleed through the narrative too strongly, so you can tell a good story instead of an overt message story that’s you working out your own feelings.

By all means, write a story where police and the military are taken down, where propaganda is weaponized and the media is controlled (because that’s sure as hell the modern world). 

But know that stories where the hero discovers the corruption already have a ticking clock because we, in the real world, are slowly being faced with a mountain of apathy instead of ignorance. The knowledge of oppression is out there so much that marginalized people are tired of the ignorance defence. 

As the saying goes, “privilege is the ability to ignore the oppression of others.” 

Propaganda, centralized media, and strategic cultural investment made it possible for police and the military to have a chokehold on their public perception. But that’s changing. The chokehold is starting to fade, people are starting to question their beliefs. 

The past year has shown that knowledge isn’t the issue; it’s white supremacy. People don’t want to believe that any of this is that bad. People want to believe that oppression is justified, that if people just followed the law they’d be fine. They don’t want to question themselves. And marginalized people are tired of these narratives where, suddenly, people snap out of it. Because there was so much evidence to show it was bad, but it was only when you do one of the worst crimes imaginable that you realize this is bad? It’s only when it becomes personal that things are worth looking at critically?

No. And you need to examine where you are in processing your own complicity before writing a story where you’ve swapped around the ethnicities to try and distance yourself from the problem, where in the end you made the target the oppressor.

~Mod Lesya

[mrs-march-ahs]

hii so I just cannot get this idea out of my head. so I know that jpm hates religion but the idea of a james march priest au! is so... im so desperate for anyone to write it😭

Forgive Me Daddy For I Have Sinned (James March Priest AU)

First, headcannons, and then very juicy smut, enjoy :)

--

-His investing and money wouldn’t go smoothly enough for him to accomplish his dream of opening his own hotel -He had just finished his architecture degree and designed his perfect murder castle, but just didn’t have the money to have it built -The economy crashing during the Wall Street Crash (later in his life) affected his business deals and all of the money he put towards his coal and oil -Because his father was a religious man and worked in the church, it was pretty easy for James to become a priest -He made his father very proud, which he was actually not happy about -He didn’t like his father enough, the last thing he wanted was to make him proud -But it was the only place he could work -Working in the church was tiring to him, having to be around people who in his eyes, refused any pleasures and acted fake and untrue to themselves -He looooved to listen to peoples sins however during confessions -He would always ask as many questions as he could, wanting to hear the nitty gritty stuff -If somebody every confessed to murder, oh god -It would be the best day of his life -Listening to somebody describe the blood and gore would excite him -He would feel tingly listening to it, and despite being a priest and not having the proper means to murder safely (without his hotel), he would still try it -He would murder particularly sinful people -His justification was that after their death, they would be in their respectful place, either in Hell or with God -He was speeding up the process of them joining God, which is what they wanted anyway, so in his eyes he was doing them a favour -He would frame their murder as best as he could, as suicide -When the people of his church, a larger church in Boston or Exeter (NH), found out about the ‘suicide’, he would do a long speech about being kinder to people and loving thy neighbour -He would very slyly remind people that suicide is a sin -His father would come to every single mass to watch his son speak -His accent and formalness made people trust him and what he said

--

When you first came to church, it was during the 1920s, hoping to confess something that had been bothering you. After taking a few minutes collecting your thoughts, you kneeled in the confessional and looked at the cross. Assuming you need to speak first, you looked at the cross and spoke with faux confidence.

“It is a venial sin, but it still haunts me”. You weren’t sure how to start, never having done this before, but wanting to do it right. You looked up some of the terminology beforehand, and learned that what you had done wasn’t a grave matter, but a venial sin. Minor, per say.

“This is a safe space, you can share anything with me”. Priest James said this as convincingly as he could, before looking at his watch. As you were about to begin, James corrected you.

“This must be your first time, child, for that is not how we begin confessions”

You look around the confessional nervously, trying to remember anything from Sunday school. You looked at the cross and felt as though God was sitting on your shoulders, crushing you, and you nervously tried your best to do better.

“Forgive me, uh, Daddy… I was bad”

James looks down and holds back a smirk, playing with his robe.

“Close enough, darling, confess to me”

“I sinned, but I don’t feel guilty, and I think I should, in fact… I feel great”

The second James heard that you came in with a sin that involved no blood or death, he was bored. But hearing the way you talked around it without saying anything up front made him excited.

“What did you?”, he says completely intrigued.

“It’s not what I did, it’s what I do, a-a lot”

“I can only help you if you describe it to me”

You nod and put your hands on your thighs, trying to remain calm, knowing there should be no judgement here.

“I touched myself… and not just did, I d-do”

James took a deep breath listening to you, having never heard a confession this juicy, your confession was currently in tied place for excitement with graphic murder.

“Describe it to me”, he whispers.

“It’s always at night, I lay in bed”, you begin, trying to be clear, assuming that describing your sin takes the weight off your shoulders. “I get naked, fully, and touch my body”

Where the blood in a normal Priest may go to the cheeks, all the blood in James body rushed to his crotch, not at all fighting the urge to be aroused.

“Where?”

“My chest… and then my thighs, between them”, you pause. “Even inside”, you whisper.

“My child”. James no longer holds back anything. His smirk plasters his face proudly and the confident in his words are key for you to feel like you’re in safe hands. “You were bad indeed”. James mocks your words, thriving on your innocence.

“Do you wish to be cleansed?”. Although you assumed the correct answer, you chose to answer honestly.

“I’m not sure”

James furrows his eyebrows, baffled by your reasoning to confess.

“You are not sure?”

“I know I did bad but, if it’s so bad”. You can’t bare to make out the words, knowing you will be judged. James thankfully helps you out.

“Why does it feel good?”. You knew he couldn’t see you, but you nod nevertheless, glad that he understood.

“Does it, feel good?”, he asks.

“Yes”, you answer without missing a beat. “Oh yes”

“How good?”

“Incredible, ecstatic”

“Does the feeling you bring yourself, feel better than being clean in the eyes of God?”

This is exactly what James wanted to see. People being true to themselves, being dependent on themselves to full fill their own needs, not on a mystical being. He was instantly attracted to you, your voice, the previous hesitation in your voice and the confidence with which you spoke now.

“Honestly?”

“Of course”

“I think so”

Hearing those words come out of your mouth made James feel alive, feel as though he wasn’t the only one who enjoyed giving into his urges, homicidal and sexual. It was as though he found another human being who enjoyed the pleasure in living.

“You are somebody who is willing to do bad, to do good”

With that sentence, an idea came into James’ mind, making him sit up straight.

“I know a way to heal you, to repent your sins”

You smile widely, getting more out of this visit than you expected to get.

“Come round to this side, darling”

You were utterly confused, but trusted in Priest James’ good intentions and knowledge. Not thinking too much, you crawled off the pillow you were kneeled on and shuffled over to your priest. Looking up at him made you blush. Your cheeks reddened at how handsome he was before you, and at the compromising position you were in. But when you put your hands on his thighs to stand up, he put his larger hands over yours and leaned in closer to you.

“Nonsense, darling. In order to cleanse your sins, you must remain on your knees”

━━━━━━♡♤♡━━━━━━

@milly-louise  @amourtentiaa  @kitwalker02  @tatestripedsweater  @therenlover  @maria-akira         @tatesimper  @sallyscigarettes  @mossybank  @ahsxual  @mxlti-fand0m-imaginess  @mrs-march-ahs-biggest-fan  @kitwalkerangel  @darlingkitt  @blackbat2020 @whiiiiplaaaaash  @elaineygrace @divinerulerluvr @johndeaconshands @kais-messiahbaby @xmaximoffic @tatesweaterweather @undeadcortez @booboomother @slightlyvicked @americxn @kaislittleheadliner @damianosdarling

[spyrothesquish-0006]

The brothers with a genderfluid MC

This genderfluid bean had a rough day, so have some comfort headcanons

Lucifer:

• he didn't really think anything of it when he found out you were genderfluid

• demons have many different ways of expressing themselves, so the concept of genderfluidity isn't surprising to him

• even if he isn't surprised, he's still proud of you for telling him

• immediately makes a note of it in your RAD file, not wanting any official document to be inaccurate

• very good about asking which pronouns to use if he isn't sure, always being respectful and not minding if they switch throughout the day

• 10/10 would teach you how to tie a tie if you didn't know how and wanted to learn for any masculine days

• would be a proper gentleman on feminine days, always prioritizing your comfort even if he's busy

• if anyone is disrespectful towards your identity, they will be answering to a very angry Lucifer

• would happily hand them over to be Cerberus' new chew-toy

Mammon:

• he was a little confused by it a first, only because he didn't know humans have a term for that

• demons just kinda...are? However they are so terminology isn't really his thing

• is immediately respectful of it though, always making sure to correct himself or his brothers if they slip up on pronouns

• would 1000% steal you clothes to match however you're feeling day to day, or would straight up just give you stuff from modeling gigs

• immediately takes you under his wing, no one messes with one of his siblings!!!!

• if anyone is transphobic towards you, he will beat some ass, no hesitation

• he just might sic his crows on the person to peck their eyes out

• speaking of them, his crows will often look out for you, reporting back to him if your pronouns change so there's less chance of him slipping up

• and to make sure no one is rude to you if he's not around

• if you're so inclined, he would definitely pay for anything like HRT or binders, only the best for his MC to be happy!

Levi:

• he was so excited when you told him!!!

• goes on a full rant about all his favorite anime and video game characters who are genderfluid

• thinks you're even cooler than they are cuz you're real!

• very protective of you, he may be socially anxious all the time, but when it comes to his Henry? He's very vocal about making sure your pronouns are respected

• he also checks to make sure that you're okay with being called his Henry, just in case you aren't comfy with that

• definitely buys you any pride flags you want and proudly hangs one up in his room

• would commission artists to draw fanart of you in your preferred genders if that was something you wanted

• depending on how you're feeling that day, he would make sure to compliment you by comparing you to particularly masculine/feminine/androgynous characters he loves, always wanting to make sure you don't doubt yourself

• if anyone is mean to you, Lotan will have something to snack on

• snek boi takes no shit 💯

Satan:

• he knew humans had a term for genderfluidity, but he was still very curious about the concept

• he knew how gender and such works for demons, but to him, humans were uncharted territory

• grasps onto any pronoun changes quicker than anyone else

• always politely correcting anyone of they slip up, just to make sure you're always comfortable

• reads up on the topic more, asking questions now and then just so he's well informed and doesn't confuse anything

• if you take hormones or bind, he always checks up on you to make sure you're doing everything safely

• he doesn't want you hurting yourself unintentionally, so he basically studies enough to be a doctor at this point, he worries okay

• if anyone is rude and refuses to acknowledge your identity, it will not be long until he snaps and someone ends up on the floor, spewing a rather lengthy apology out of fear

Asmo:

• oohhh boy is he excited when you tell him

• he of course knows what genderfluidity is/means, and to him, it just means he can help you be the most fashionable person in the devildom (besides him) with even more options!

• is always excited to take you shopping/pick out clothes for you

• will get you the BEST binders and any other gender-affirming clothes grim can buy

• is never pushy about what you wear, always asking to make sure you're comfortable in whatever he picks out

• never pouts if you don't want your makeup done, you're just as handsome/beautiful without it darling!

• would always bring extra clothing with him just in case you two are out and you suddenly feel dysphoric/just uncomfy in whatever you're in

• this sweetiepie is always prepared!

• very good with pronouns, but sometimes he might slip up with certain pet names, quickly correcting himself if anything makes you uncomfortable

• always showering you in whatever compliments are comfy, calling you beautiful, handsome, breathtaking, always wanting to make sure you feel valid in your presentation and identity

• if someone keeps intentionally misgendering you, he will get very pissy very fast and snap

• no one in the devildom disrespects you and gets away with it, not with him around

• he will blast them as a transphobe on devilgram, no hesitation

Beel:

• it might take a bit of explaining, but he gets the idea

• he's never really heard of/thought about human genders and sexuality, but as long as you're happy, that's what matters to him

• has no issue switching pronouns up, not giving it a second thought before correcting himself

• he just wants you to be yourself and comfortable around him!

• gives the best hugs if you're feeling dysphoric

• will drape his coat over you if you feel uncomfy about your body, making sure you feel good and cozy again

• is very good with non-gendered nicknames, just to make sure whatever he calls you is always something you're okay with

• if anyone is transphobic towards you, he will make himself your personal body guard

• is polite in correcting anyone, but gets very protective if you start to get uncomfortable

• will take your hand and lead you away from the person for some snuggles and snacks

Belphagor:

• was quick to catch on to your pronouns changing, giving a dismissive shrug and you weren't even really sure he heard you?

• until you notice that he always uses the right words for you, never slipping up even though he's asleep most of the time

• how did he even know..?

• he never reveals his secrets, just claims only a dumbass would mess up when you're obviously a he/she/they right now

• as long as you still snuggle with him, he really doesn't care

• is happy as long as you're happy and if you're ever uncomfortable or dysphoric, he'll snuggle you and nap with you till the feeling goes away

• if anyone is disrespectful, they will not be seen again. Straight up, they're just gone from your world

• or will be tortured with nightmares, he'll be nice sometimes when he's not feeling stabby

• syke, they're still a dead bitch if he ever sees them being rude to you ever again

[neo-shitty]

all the muggle things. — c.s

description. in which you and san spent the rest of your days after hogwarts getting the muggle experience.

pairings. slytherin!choi san x gender-neutral (wizard) reader (yes, this fic is house friendly)

genre. harry potter/hogwarts!au, fluff

warnings. mentions of injury. 

word count. 1.6k

writer’s notes. i don’t know why i never thought of writing a harry potter-inspired au before! also, it’s been a while since i’ve written for ateez. i hope this didn’t turn out so bad! 

inspired by option #1 (roommates au) + prompt #36 from this list (given by @kathyrncapp835​)+ prompt #46 from @ficscafe​‘s dialogue prompt event (given by @meaningfulmess​). prompt lines are bolded.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾  TERMINOLOGY GUIDE :: for the muggles, explained and simplified by yours truly

Muggle - someone who isn’t able to use magic / non-wizard

Lumos - spell that makes the tip of a wizard’s wand light up

Quidditch - a game for wizards that involves flying on brooms and shooting balls through hoops, basically basketball but more complex because there are three hoops and someone’s trying to catch an ‘i-am-speed’ ball that dictates the fate of the game in the end

Sectumsempra - a spell that lacerates the opponent

Wizarding War - the war between Voldemort’s side and Harry’s

Dark Mark - Voldermort’s mark

Nox - counter spell to Lumos that switches the wand’s light off

You tried your best to peer your eyes open when you heard the front door slam shut. You groaned, infuriated at how such simple tasks like breathing and opening your eyes required extra effort whenever you were sick. But getting sick was merely a consequence of your own actions, so you really didn’t have anyone else to blame but yourself.  

You managed to open one eye, fighting back the heavy eyelid that threatened to shut and you searched the room for other movements besides your own. 

“It’s 2AM, go back to sleep,” a voice said. Soon, it’s owner emerged from the shadows of the doorway.

Dressed in his all-black work uniform was San. His whole figure blended into the background too well that it almost seemed like he’d apparated back to your place. But with the faint sound of his footfalls, you concluded that he used the muggle way in.

You turned your head. You considered turning your whole body but everything felt sore and heavy. Plus, you were content with the way the comforter was wrapped around you—which was rare, even on better days. You watched San pass by the living room before heading to the kitchen. Though you couldn’t see him from the living room couch, you could see the shadow casted on the floorboards by the kitchen light he switched on. It danced as he moved around, probably to get a late night snack before heading to bed. You could hear him uttering hushed incantations followed by the faint clattering of kitchen metals.

“I’m glad you didn’t burn the house down while I was gone,” he said from the kitchen.

A smile crept up to your lips at his statement. You opened your mouth to utter a small thank you but you could only manage a whisper. You weren’t even sure if he even heard it from that far.

Moments later, he reappeared by the kitchen doorway. “But you were cutting it a bit too close though,” he continued, clutching a frying pan in his right hand. 

The pan—originally gray—was now blackened from the mishap earlier. You had fallen asleep in the middle of cooking your own dinner, only waking up to the smell of burnt meat. The scent had been that thick that it managed to seep through your clogged nostrils. It was that bad. You ended up ordering take out instead. You forgot that you didn’t clean up the evidence.

A croaky laugh escaped your lips as you recalled the accident. San only shook his head, disappearing back into the kitchen to put the pan back to the sink. When he came back, he had two cups in hand. He walked over to set both down on their respective coasters on the glass center table of your living room. When he reached over to turn the lights on you stopped him.

“Don’t turn the lights on,” you said, your voice barely audible but he hears it, stopping before the lamp fully on. “They’re too bright. It’ll give me another headache.”

You see his silhouette nod. You could hear him flipping his coat around, shuffling to find something. You didn’t know what he was searching for exactly and you opted to ask him. But you soon find out what it was when you hear him whisper.

“Lumos.”

Where San stood, an orb of light began to glow. You soon realized that the light came from the tip of a stick. He was holding the fir wand in his hand, controlling its brightness until it was just right. Soon, it illuminated the room with a faint light—bright enough for you to see outlines of the room and the furniture scattered but not bright enough to make your eyes water like the lamps did.

He walked over to where you were before leaving his hand outstretched. “Sit up to drink your leaf water,” he said, earning a chuckle from you.

“Leaf water,” you repeated in a hoarse voice before taking his hand in yours, clutching it as you helped yourself up. You crossed your legs, tucking each foot beneath the opposite leg in order to give room on the couch for San to sit. 

He handed you your cup of tea before he sat adjacent to you with his own cup in one hand and his wand in the other. Your eyes lingered on the wooden stick he gripped in his hand and on the fingers he had wrapped around it. All his rings were silver, representing the complementing color of his house, Slytherin. Or that was what you remembered of him back when you were still studying at Hogwarts.

You recalled when you used to watch him play Quidditch. He always kissed his rings first before putting on his gloves. He was deemed one of the more valuable players next to their seeker and you were just another student from another house. It wasn’t until your last school year at Hogwarts when you first interacted. The first time you both went beyond the occasional glances you shared whenever you were both in the same class. 

Though your first time meeting wasn’t the best setting for the start of something new.

You were tending to one injury after another, working with the school nurse to cater every student who ran to the infirmary for aid or additional support in the form of potions. San had walked in alone and upon catching sight of his green sigil, your first instinct was to cast a spell to disarm him. But he didn’t have his wand raised, nor did he show any indications that he was about to attack. Your guard was up; he was still a Slytherin and fighting for the opposing side.

But he was still a student of the school with a bleeding arm. The rip on his upper sleeve revealed enough of  his wound for your body to move on its own without much guidance. You led him to the nearest vacant bed, letting him standby until you got everything you needed from the cabinets. 

In the time you were treating the wound, you learned that it took him half the war and a Sectumsempra to the arm (which was originally aimed at his chest; thankfully he was able to dodge it—barely) to realize that he was fighting for the wrong side of the Wizarding War. He was glad he was going to sit out the rest of it and vowed to—and you quote—“Never do stupid shit again.”.

The Dark Mark was still tattooed on his arm, a permanent reminder of decisions that did more harm than good both to him and to the people around him. The tattoo faded over time as the population of evil wizards gradually decreased. 

Your brain was hot-wired to never trust a Slytherin. Or at least, it used to be. 

Much to your surprise, San did keep his words that night at the infirmary. He spent his years after Hogwarts atoning for all the damage he’d caused, dedicating nearly all his hours into hunting the last of the witches and wizards who still practiced the Dark Arts. 

San shifted beside you, leaning against the back of the couch before turning to look at you. He set his mug back down to its coaster before he pressed his palm against your forehead. 

“I’m feeling a bit better, don’t worry. I think I’ll be fine by morning.”

“I still don’t get why you let yourself be sick when you can just—” he flicked his wand, “—it away.” 

You set your own mug down after taking a sip, only noticing then that he pulled out the matching Hogwarts house coasters. His furrowed expression softened when you held his hand, peeling it off your forehead before sandwiching it between your cold ones.

“I’m trying to experience muggle living,” you answered. 

Slytherins normally weren’t the type who liked involving themselves with muggle things, more so with the muggle way of living. But San wasn’t always like other Slytherins. Cheesy, you thought. But it was a fact.

You held his stare when his eyes landed on yours. You knew his mind was brewing some sort of egoistic line or anything short yet clever to say. But you were faster.

“You did well today,” you told him, drawing random shapes and symbols on the back of his palm.

Even after hearing it everyday for the past few years, San’s heart still warmed upon hearing the words leave your lips. 

You said it the first time at the infirmary. At first, you were unsure if you were saying it to yourself as he heard you utter it after you patched him up. Later that day, you reassured him that it was meant for him. San, at the time, wasn’t too keen on accepting it. Nothing about what he did that day was worth the praise. But he soon realized you were referring to his decision to right his mistakes instead of staying ignorant.

You haven’t stopped saying it since then. The phrase became more of a part of your routine over time but it still held the same value as the first time you ever said it. You still smiled softly after saying it and you still looked at him fondly like you were genuinely proud of it. San was trained to easily catch  whenever people lied—be it in the form of speaking or in acting. But he never found any trace of ingenuity whenever it came to you. 

Somehow, that was enough to convince him that he could still make up for mistakes made in the past. It wasn’t too late yet. 

You catch the moment the corner of his lips curved up into a smile. One sly finger up, you were ready to—once again—poke the dimple on the side of his mouth.

He hated that. But if he were to be honest, he could never really hate anything you did. One ‘Nox’ and a flick of his wand later, the light on the tip of his wand disappeared—plunging the both of you into complete darkness before your finger could even touch his skin.

“I hate you,” you muttered under your breath, drawing your hand back and crossing them over your chest.

You couldn’t see him clearly in the dark but you could tell the smirk from his tone, “Of course you do.”

© neo-shitty, 2021

[mellometal]

ATTENTION: This is some recent information about the current events with Chris Chan that I've been able to find, plus additional information that I couldn't find anything on that is now public knowledge.

ALL videos about any updates will be linked so you can watch them for yourself, if you wish.

Again, OBLIGATORY trigger warning: This post will be going into very sensitive subject matter, including r@p3, s3xual assault, elder abuse, and inc3st. I will also be mentioning the site Kîwî F@rm$ and the person who runs it (Null). DON'T go onto Kîwî F@rm$. Just stay away from there. It's like 4chan (another site full of REALLY fucked up shit, depending on which forum you go to), but worse.

If anything I mentioned is triggering for you or makes you otherwise uncomfortable in any way, you don't have to read this post. It's not worth putting yourself in a bad state mentally. Take care of yourself, please. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

ALRIGHTY, LET'S GET TO IT. Because there's quite a lot of bullshit that happened since the first post I made about the current events. And some more information that will most likely be the nail in the coffin for Chris. I'm patiently waiting for more updates as they come and I'll share them here as soon as possible.

The person Chris was in a call with was revealed to be a troll under the name "Bella". The screenshots of messages and the audio from the call have all been confirmed to be real.

It's also been revealed that Chris confided in Null about her having a girlfriend, having s3x with her, all that. Here's a list of things to describe this "girlfriend" below, which I will compare to Barbara in bold:

This woman is "in her over fifties". (Barbara is eighty years old. Most people would assume that someone's in their late fifties when this terminology is used. Eighty is well over fifty.)

Her favorite person was the late Adam West in the 60s, as it was "for her son back then". (I don't know if Chris is referring to her half-brother Cole Smithey [he does movie reviews, and he's most famous for being one of the only people to give Toy Story 3 a negative review] here, or if she's referring to herself before she came out as trans. I'm adding this here anyway.)

Chris has known this woman "for a long time", offline and in-person. (OBVIOUSLY she's known Barbara her whole life, since she's, AGAIN, HER MOTHER! DUH.)

They've been having s3x "every three nights". (Like how Chris admitted to doing to her defenseless mother. PRETTY FUCKING FISHY, IF YOU ASK ME.)

They began having s3x on June 27th. (The same day that Chris admitted to doing to Barbara.)

This woman was an accountant when she was younger. (Barbara's job was EXACTLY this.)

Chris said she feels grateful to "enlighten" her girlfriend with s3x play that she (the woman) "missed from even her exes". (I didn't mention this in my initial post, but if you chose to watch the videos that were linked, Chris mentioned that Barbara's boyfriends and ex-husbands "have never been able to make her 0rg@$m" like Chris did. SHE EVEN MENTIONED HER LATE FATHER. THAT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING AND DISRESPECTFUL.)

Chris has been "keeping her girlfriend safe" too. (She had been "taking care of Barbara" since Bob, her late father, passed away. This right here is proof alone that she was talking about HER MOM!)

Her girlfriend "didn't want to do it at first", it was "very painful" for Chris's girlfriend in the beginning, and it took a few tries for them "to get going". This included Chris doing it FOR her because she thought her girlfriend would "feel better" due to her lack of mobility and lucidity. (Chris said all of this exact stuff TO "BELLA" during their call.)

Null initially thought that Chris was lying about sleeping with her mother to cover up the fact that she had a girlfriend and having s3x with her. Why? Because apparently people would believe Chris would have s3x with her mother than some other unknown woman. Chris told Null to keep her girlfriend's identity secret because she was afraid her girlfriend would get trolled and she'd end up losing her.

What Null realized was that what Chris told him completely matched the description of Barbara. Note that before he looked into this, he was unaware of the context Chris was giving him about her "girlfriend".

It's extremely possible now that Chris admitted to s3xually assaulting Barbara to Null and "Bella", but she wanted Null to keep it confidential. Chris wanted NULL to keep the fact that she admitted to committing a VERY serious crime A SECRET.

If Chris WAS actually lying, she'd use a lot more CWCisms (her own phrases) or say that she was "using her psychic powers" to have s3x with Barbara's fictional counterpart in another dimension. But no, Chris was VERY straightforward and talked about it casually like if you were to talk about the weather.

Chris, according to Null, slept in a parking lot in her car the other night. At least for a few hours, though I don't remember where the FUCK else she slept (maybe a hotel room eventually), considering she had -$200 in her bank account. I believe some people who are in contact with Chris sent her some money to get food too.

Null revealed that he set up a GoFundMe previously for Chris to attend a Brony convention, which was a test to see how Chris would be able to handle commissions. The GFM was successful, to say the least. Chris fulfilled commissions successfully, DESPITE NOT WORKING ON THE FUCKING COMIC. Y'KNOW, THE THING SHE'S PAID FOR ON PATREON TO DO!

Well, due to recent events, he has since taken down the GFM and is refunding all the money to all the donors. He was debating on sending Chris money (the GFM money, since Chris isn't able to go to the Brony convention), but he decided not to do so. He told Chris to sleep in her car, spend the night under the stars, and reflect on her current situation until the morning, when Null would help her find a temporary roof over her head until August 5th.

Barbara tightly manages Chris's finances. Those are Null's words, not mine. You want to know why Barbara's been having trouble with the house and shit? CHRIS HAS BEEN STEALING MONEY FROM HER FOR YEARS. HER CREDIT IS ALL SORTS OF FUCKED, SHE'S BURIED IN DEBT, AND IT'S CHRIS'S FAULT. THE PERSON WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING CARE OF HER.

How did we find out about Chris recently getting more money, specifically $750? Well, Null has had access to Chris's emails for the past few years (Chris knows this), and he found an email that Barbara had sent Chris money.

That's a violation of the EPO (Emergency Protective Order) that was put into affect for Barbara. Chris was NOT supposed to contact Barbara in ANY way, shape or form.

Null asked Chris about this and told her that this was a violation of the EPO. He asked her if her mom sent her money. Chris denied it at first, and then went into the whole goddess bullshit she goes into. She then admitted to accessing Barbara's banking account online and wiring the $750 to HER account. Chris also said that she'd pay her back the $750 after receiving the $1000 that Null was supposed to send to Chris. Null was obviously upset with what Chris had done. Who wouldn't be?

Guess what Null did in reaction to what Chris told him? HE BLOCKED CHRIS AND REPORTED HER TO THE POLICE. I'm honestly surprised he stuck with her this long. He genuinely wanted to see Chris become a better person.

It's only a matter of time for Chris's arrest. With all this information that's out there now, more information probably coming very soon, plus people close to Chris confirming all of this....I feel it's safe for me to say that Chris did s3xually assault her mother.

I don't feel bad for Chris anymore. I have no sympathy for Chris. Any ounce of respect for this person has been long since gone. I don't feel comfortable even referring to Chris as a person. She's a monster.

I talked about Chris a few times a few years ago on Instagram, and I got yelled at for tearing this motherfucker apart. Because apparently I was an "ableist bully" for having my grievances with Chris, despite the fact that I'm autistic too and I've never "bullied" Chris for being autistic. Not even once. My grievances had more to do with Chris using her mother and their animals to exploit them for her own monetary gain INSTEAD OF TRYING TO FIND A JOB. I've even tried to suggest that she go work through a temporary work industry and get paid daily. (At that time, I didn't know that trying to interact with Chris wasn't a very good idea. I've since learned, obviously.)

Here's a link to Gibi's video:

Dillon Thomas's video:

The stream with Null:

Geno Samuel's stream:

Here's Rogue's video and live stream he did about the situation. Rogue is one of my FAVORITE YouTubers, as edgy as his content is.:

Thank you for your time.