#but going forward im going to be more accepting of my mental illnesses

[raishical]

Depend on Me, or You?

Lean on my shoulder and sleep a while, it's okay.

[finedinereception]

i think simon does end up physically back to where he started, mostly because i really want to explore the idea of simon emotionally hurting himself by trying to draw a line between himself and ice king. because the thing is that even if hes physically back to normal, he still is mentally afflicted by the remains of magic insanity and all the memories of those 900 years. hes extremely forgetful. he loses his temper more easily than before, or will start crying for reasons beyond his understanding. his physical coordination isnt as good as it was before. he feels godawful when magic queen puts the daily checklist back on the wall, because hes normal now, why cant he just remember to eat every morning? why is he getting lost 2 blocks away from his own home? why is he losing his temper over incredibly mild things?

its about the internalized hatred for himself. cutting a piece of his own identity away because hes not as well as he once was. he was ice king for longer than he was simon, but he doesnt want to acknowledge that it is part of his history and identity. itd be easier if ice king was a stranger who took control of his body for a while.

and he really needs to come to terms with the fact that he IS ice king, ice king IS him, just a different phase of his life, because pushing that fact away is only hindering his recovery.

[anemoiashifts]

october pick a pile shifting reading from someone in my desired reality !

happy october & happy almost halloween ! ��₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

i usually do there jellycats / piles to pull from but this month has only two. for the life me me i couldn’t do a third reading. i did these two back to back & tried to do a third one but it just…wasn’t happening. i tried to come back to it at a later date & still nothing. i chose to take that as a sign & only have two for this month.

as the title says, these are readings from people in my desired reality. i didn’t ask for advice from anyone specifically but i do have my own hunches on who these are from.

in regards to next months readings im kinda out of ideas at the moment. if anyone want a reading from a specific list of characters from the same piece of media maybe ? or a question or a reading from someone in your desired reality as a general reading ? maybe they’ll be next months reading, who knows. ill put a poll out with the most popular ideas suggested so be on the lookout for that so please don’t shy away from letting my know your ideas. <3

one more thing i promise but please don’t force messages to resonate. there will be more readings coming so it’s okay if you don’t resonate as that just means this message wasn’t for you.

✧˖°. black bashful pumpkin bunny.

signs / songs : pink tank top, round “harry potter style” glasses , werewolf by fiona apple , just by radiohead.

you are currently in a state of conflict or are about to be in one. as a result, something is being suppressed. it is unclear where you stand on your viewpoint when it not only comes to shifting but a laundry list of opinions & thoughts. you often try to put yourself in others shoes which can only leave you more conflicted on what is “right” for you. at this time your mindset is being challenged. you can break mental cycles & patterns at anytime. you just have to be willing to do so.

though, you seemingly have an outright refusal to let go. from my understanding, this “letting go” isn’t physical & is a mental battle between your past & present. this upcoming & current “conflict” can relate to some sort of belief that was instilled into you by someone else or unnecessary pressure you brought upon yourself subconsciously. this thinking & patterns you have tend to bleed into shifting that leaves you at a cross roads. you have a this tendency to overthink & get in your head so much that you scare yourself out of your desires.

you can either a.) overcome it, accept the hand you’ve been dealt & move onto greatness or b.) stay remaining where you are & allow it to keep holding you back.

this person wants you to know harping on the past will not change it. overthinking will not benefit you. thinking on your past suffering will not make it hurt any less & will only result in you becoming addicted to the feeling of your suffering. there will always be suffering. there will always be hardships. learn to live alongside your struggles without them letting them destroy you.

you already have all the tools to overcome whatever may be preventing you from moving forward. you are in control of your own future & what your next move is. don’t overstay your welcome in a place that is causing you so much pain.

✧˖°. bartholomew pumpkin bear

signs / songs : 2:22 , 4:44 , millipedes , blue feathers, hanna barbera cartoon characters, let’s kill tonight by panic ! at the disco.

you may be stubborn in beliefs & frustrated that things haven’t worked out that way you wanted them to. you may also have some sort of superiority complex when it comes to your beliefs & struggle to admit when you’re wrong at times. in addition, a tendency to become bitter and jealous easily over others, even if you have the means to obtain them yourself.

perhaps it’s how long you’ve been trying to shift that is fueling these influx of negative thinking. despite wanting to shift, there is a lack of emotion from a specific desired reality (or reality shifting entirely). at times, find yourself still pushing through shifting methods & routines despite thr the mental exhaustion of it all. you want to shift of course. you tell yourself you want to but believing in yourself & having your mind be clouded by negativity, methods feel more & more like a chore. there is a lack of clarity of where you want to shift. without direction, you don’t know where to go. to this person, planning for stability comes first & rewards come second. you need a more of a solid foundation to thrive.

take this as a reminder to watch what you say to yourself & your projection onto others due to your feelings of lack. take risks but ensure they’re calculated ones. gaining a sense of independence may help you.

this reading specially was a little all over the place & that may be a reflection on where you’re at right now. there was an emphasis on you wanting to be in control & underlying themes of wanting material goods — so that could be relevant to some of you.

thank you for reading ! hope this resonated & proves some clarity for you ˘͈ᵕ˘͈⸝*

[sillyandquiteawkward]

ME AGAIN ! GUY WHO LIKES YOUR OCS ! (apparently this didn't send before but thankfully I saved it beforehand !)

Okay So I really really like Bailey and his siblings because they're literally SO bad coping mechanisms core. Like damn therapy wasn't kidding that Child Abuse really Can leave you altered for the rest of your life !

Ignatius is Fawn, due to having had to have adapted into a role of a peacekeeper for people in the house not to fucking bite each other, but also because I can really see him trying to sympathize with everyone around him in an attempt to make himself more approachable, more demure, smaller even, so that no one is mean to him. He wants things to be "normal" Soooo Bad he can't stand the fact people won't just talk to each other despite it feeling like the most logical option [<- Bro cannot accept the circumstances of a much more complicated relationship between his siblings than he originally fathomed !]

Bailey is Flight to me, because much like Octavia points out in that one comic you made innnnn 2022 (? I TINK !), instead of actually solving the issues that bother him head on and face the consequences of doing so, he'd rather walk around them a billion different ways and pretend to be busy and avoidant and Cool because dealing with actual conflict is SCARY !!!!!!! Call this guy "Mask of my own face" by Lemon Demon the way he has never once in his life felt the full extent of his emotions due to an underlying self imposed expectation to be this untouchable being who's always right and never actually has to have a heart to heart with anyone <3. I just think its interesting how you write Bailey to be this all-logic-no-play person, while also giving him the feeling that all of this is an act waiting to fall apart, and that he does not in fact Know A Damn Thing. He's the world's dumbest smart man I wish I could throw him in a well <- loving

And Octavia, of course, is Fight, but not JUST because she's exceedingly aggressive in order to cover up her own insecurities and fear of not being her an actual individual ! There's so much more to her and I'm FASCINATED frankly. She lives in a shadow of someone who has never had much regard for her accomplishments, and now she wants SO BAD to prove that "NO, YOU WERE WRONG, I AM SO GOOD AT THIS AND SO SUCCESSFUL" that she ends up losing her personality along the way. She's so focused on the achievements she has gotten, the fights she has won, the struggle SHE ALONE overcame, that she forgets that she's like... a person. Octavia has been on self defense mode for so long that she's forgotten HOW to take off all that armour, and now she's just stuck under hundreds of pounds of metal waiting for that one final thing that's going to make her happy. I just need to work a little harder ! I just need to do this better ! I just need a little more time to work on this and then I can rest ! I am good ! I am good ! She shouts. And then, when she FINALLY gets that score, that perfect track record, she's like "Great ! This proves me my worth and that I am in fact Good !...Now what". It's never enough and it has never been enough but fucking dammit she will prove it to herself to her mom and to her shitass lazy siblings that NO I AM GOOD. I JUST NEED TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD. IM DOING GOOD BECAUSE I WORK HARD. She's normal ♡ [I love her so bad but PLEASE give her mood stabilizers]

Hoohhg this ended up longer than I imagined but anyway. Tldr, Im Bailey I'm Iggy and Im Octavia the MENTAL ILLNESS siblings <3

(Long essay anon here again sorry) I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT YOUR OCS CONSTANLTY IM SO SORRY. They came into my house (brain) one day and they haven't left so now I'm conducting experiments on them. They're so cool and I really want you to know that they are. 50 ttrillion dollars for yiu

------

i literally love this soooo much please always feel free to have thoughts about my ocs ANYTIME! your thoughts about the bayleys are SO RIGHT. the mental illness siblings realness 😔 hehehehehe i think its really interesting that they ended up showing off the fight/flight/fawn responses. its not something i entirely planned for them, but its accurate. i especially enjoy the thoughts on bayley's flight response, it really is interesting how hes a master at avoiding things.

some doodles on your thoughts and what i thought would be silly in response. <3 bc i live for this stuff and it makes my day to read things like this, let alone on my own characters (sobbing crying <3<3)

[sukirichi]

Aaaaaaaa sukiiiiiii why you do this to meeeee 😭😭

Brain mush, im very exhausted so im sorry if ill rant dhdhajdjs

The whole rin diary part - sparked lots of joy 🥺🥺🥺

This part right after

This does not spark joy 😒 like really? really? After we kept admitting we still love rin even while being with omi we go ahead and say that? Especially after reading the damn diary... Really?

This update made my heart shatter for our dearly idiot rin even more.. He keeps thinking we just... Wont love him if we know who he really when (jokes on him we do know) and it just.. It really breaks me

The fact he truly looks that low on himself to the point he believes we are with him just cause hes a prince and if he never was we wouldnt even notice him... Bruh i just.. I want to hug him.. Royal life truly shattered him mentally to the point he has no self esteem uh..

This part tho caught my attention:

He keeps trying to push us away but perhaps cause he's noticeable tired, I mean its described at o e point that he has dark circles under his eyes, what i believe its because hes been sleeping on the couch or something because he refuses to sleep in the same bed as iris (since he did kinda hinted that she had the bed all to herself). And perhaps thanks to him being exhausted he just cant stop himself fron letting little truths come out, he didnt even seem to notice it while we truly did.

Im still disappointed? Bitter? Ahahahha that the baby is staying dhshshhdhoas he's our hubby man i dont want him to be having some other bitch's baby when neither he or she wanted it 🙃 like please just do something good for the story iris and go ahead and lose it 🤣🤣 at this point only the queen will be pissed and we love that royal bitch pissed 🤣🤣

Sorry i wanted to give a better review but damn my job has been killing me ahahahah thank you so much for another update tho, these even tho they kill me 🤡 in a way always cheer me up and make me having something to look forward for.

Also yes kuroooooo destroy the bitchhhhh ahahhaha

the rin diary part!! man I remember having to like sit down for a long time just so I could use the perfect words LIKE WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME ITS HARD TO BE POETIC LMFAO. not that it DID become poetic but it was the best I could pull out of my ass lmaoooo. omg okay I get that it doesn’t spark joy but hear me out!! at that point we’d already fallen for kiyoomi and yknow like… we already know that rintaro hasn’t been that good anyway, and we’re finally choosing what’s right, what’s BETTER (because dtd!yn has always been a character who will most likely end up doing what she thought was right and its really hard to change her mind lol but it’s just!! a matter of what feels right in that moment!!) and in that moment choosing kiyoomi and finally accepting that he has feelings for us felt like the right one! and the diary you know, it really is confusing cuz like – WE LITERALLY HAD JUST BEGUN OUR THING WITH KIYOOMI AND EVERYTHING IS GOING WELL then we see that our husband has always been secretly writing his feelings about us LIKE THE TIMING HONESTLY CAN’T GET ANY WORSE LOL

oh yeah… rin’s inferiority complex has just completely gotten worse because all his insecurities have gone from ten to a hundred. like he somehow always felt like he wasn’t good enough but to know that he was never a prince?! my boy needs therapy. and yes omg that part!! I know during the scene where he kicked us out our room was trying to imply that he wants to share the same bed as iris but naur!! my boy rin won’t even touch her within a ten foot pole in that moment, he just stays on the couch and can barely sleep because he sent us to belleview manor of all places. I just know he stayed up all night thinking about what we’re doing with kiyoomi and well… his imaginations are right because we’re making out with him lol. LMAOOOO I KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT THE BABY I think its bcos iris has been off-screen for such a while now that lowkey I forgot she and the queen existed (in other terms I’m just too excited to write about runaway rin and yn!! and I’m such a pea brain lol)

also no omg!! I hope you’re getting some rest and a well-deserved break though! and thank you so muchhh IM SO HAPPY YOU’RE ENJOYING DTD HEHEHEHE as always I appreciate you for showing so much love and I’m sending you more back!! <33

[moodr1ng]

re last post while im being chatty (sleeping pills do that to me): i have a kinda strange relationship w my knuckle tattoos. when i was 17 i was in a pretty rough spot in life. though i wasnt in The Absolute Worst Years, things werent going great on pretty much any front. i was failing out of school at the time, i saw no future for myself, i felt like i had fucked up all my options beyond any redemption. i lived in a "bad neighborhood", in a social housing apartment where i shared the one bedroom with my sister and my mom slept in the living room. i had like, two irl friends and one of those friendships was quite toxic and codependent. my mental health was abysmal and my parents were at the end of their rope with what to do with me. nobody even believed id manage to graduate high school anymore. i had no money except what i could glean from art commissions on tumblr and whatnot. i was perpetually broke and so were my friends (we shoplifted quite a bit at that time). i always knew my mom and i didnt exactly have much money but i was really feeling it then, and more than that, i felt like this prophecy was hanging over my head, that i would too end up like my parents: an underpaid worker in a shit job with seemingly no upsides or ways to move forward.

yet i had an inkling that one day i might get out of this; that i might one day escape this and 'rise above my station', 'make it' in some way. i pictured myself as someone who did make it: an older version of me, who i pictured very clean-cut and acceptable-looking, maybe wearing a suit or something. i hated that version of me; the sellout. i looked at that future me and thought: dont you dare forget about me. dont you dare forget about all of us here - not just my family but everyone i loved, and the people in the same neighborhoods and the same situation. i guess it was a moment of class awareness and solidarity. i thought: ill never let myself become a clean-cut, law-abiding, middle class sycophant who looks down on people like me.

so i got commission money for the cheapest tattoo machine i could get, some $50 crappy machine i got off ebay that came with needles and inks, and i sat at my kitchen table one afternoon with an internet friend on a skype call and tattooed my own knuckles - right hand tattooed with the left hand and all. i chose "DIRT POOR". i thought: there. not only can i see it, everyone can. i can rise up as much as i can in the world. but there will always be this neon sign on my hand that says: i came from here.

and i stuck with that for a very long time. i loved those tattoos. when i stopped loving them (because theyre kinda ugly, and i dont like explaining them to people, etc) i still loved the meaning behind them.

but then i actually 'made it'. i mean, not really. i didnt truly make it. i dont have a job, my main income is disability benefits, but im blessed that i also have my etsy shop and a roommate who helps with rent and a very cheap apartment, all of which means i have an income thats almost minimum wage and benefit from a lot of government aid, and through that ive set aside sizeable savings. i dont have to worry about paying for my food or home or clothes or other necessities, and i can go for drinks with friends or order takeout or buy myself little eccentricities just because i want to. i certainly didnt turn out clean-cut and proper in a suit, but i got to a place that 17 year old tattooing himself on a dirty kitchen table thought hed never get to.

and now that im here the tattoos feel.. silly. shameful. the people who ask me about them are most often panhandlers - and when i translate what it means to them i feel like such a poser. like, dirt poor? really? but im not dirt poor. im doing fine. if i dont get into the extensive backstory of the tattoos every time, i just.. look like someone trying to look rougher than i am. i feel like im appropriating a struggle that is no longer mine. and i dont even like the tattoos anymore and havent for a long time, and now the message itself doesnt feel worth having them.

like id forget where i come from if i didnt have it etched in my hands? like i even needed that reminder anyway? in the end, i got these because i didnt trust myself - because i thought my class solidarity was disingenuous, opportunistic, based only in my current circumstances. but ill never forget how i grew up. the message is already in me. i never needed a reminder. my past will always be a part of me.

so, anyway, ive been thinking of getting the tattoos lasered off. im far from being sure i wanna do it, though almost only because of the price, but ive been considering it often. i still feel a bit like its a betrayal of my 17 yo self. but then again, i think if he saw me now, 10 years older and in the position im in now, hed probably get it. hed see i havent really changed, not in the important ways. i think in the same way i need to forgive my past selves, maybe they too need to forgive me for moving on from them. so i really might get the laser, if not soon, then someday.

if i do, ill still have other hand and finger tattoos, so it wouldnt change much if i get new knuckle ones. if that does come to pass - im thinking "GOOD LUCK" this time.

[tadpolesonalgae]

CBMTHY is quite literally my favorite thing right now, the past 3 parts you've posted I've hidden in the bathroom at work and read (sometimes twice) and I genuinely can't get enough. I love angst and your writing definitely fulfills that craving i have for it (please do more eventually).

You have such a realistic (delightful may i add) portrayal of azriel's not so good tendencies. i feel like he would push away someone who genuinely likes him away in favor of someone unobtainable. especially if she wasnt traditionally beautiful compared to someone like elain who could bring kings to their knees, nesta who is so effortlessly graceful and stoic, and feyre who is literally high lady and bagged not one, not two but THREE highlords (she could've had tarquin if she wanted lets be so forreal).

In comparison anyone would be plain, so reader being overlooked makes sense. And so az getting jealous that she of all people is getting attention from males after learning about her initial attraction to him is PERFECT. Because elain doesn't like him back, not with her having a mate and def not now that she knows her sister likes him. So azriel. to feel better about his rejected advances uses reader's affections to validate himself.

And don't even get me started on Eris 😭 this is the best writing for him ive seen. because hes an ass, he knows hes an ass. but with the way reader fought back against him after the swan incident you can practically FEEL that hes pleasantly surprised because who in their right mind is that unfiltered in front of a future highlord? and its only cemented with the conversation about the orrery. if he knew it bothered azriel on a personal level im sure he would do even more things for reader, (which id love to see), but i think that his gift in this most recent part is evidence enough that he respects her far more than az has in his entire time of knowing reader.

i definitely want to see azriel grovel, but i dont want her to accept it. she deserves to be respected by someone from day one. someone who can challenge her and match her energy, and i think that eris is that person long term. *maybe bas for short term ;) *

anyway, thank you so much if you read this. i look forward to reading your next part while hiding away at work

-a new reader 🤠

🥹🫂 well I really hope it continues to be as fulfilling as you’ve so far found it to be!

‘please do more eventually’

Going down a slightly more depressing path, I have found myself speculating about some other fic ideas that, quite frankly, I’m not sure they would even still count as angst? They seem to be leaning much more into general misery with no redemption? And I’m kind of liking it?

Returning to the whole idea of mental illness within the acotar universe, I’m wondering about self-esteem, too? Everyone in the Inner Circle has a “use” I guess? I’m wondering what it would be like to be surrounded by such powerful, capable people for two years and being the only one who has nothing to show for the time spent feeding off their charity.

Eris really scares me in terms of writing his character with a semblance of realism 😭

We haven’t really gotten a chance to see him being “nice” to anyone which makes me wary of a potential relationship between him and Reader? It’s a stressful like to walk, is what I’m saying, so I’m happy you’re finding it believable 🧡💛

‘if he knew it bothered azriel on a personal level im sure he would do even more things for reader’

Definitely agree with you there 🤭

‘i look forward to reading your next part while hiding away at work’

Well, I’ve been trying to get started on part 7 so hopefully you won’t have to wait too much longer (just make sure you don’t get caught🧡💛)

[pawjamas]

This might sound counter intuitive... but i think, i think the fact that you are having the hardest time right now IS a sign you are getting better.

Trauma is weird, mental illness is weird. But when we are in a place where we can finally start healing, thats when itiscrashing down the hardest. You are processing your pain, it hurts most because you been through so much and are able to get away from some things that made your brain hold back and now its flooding forward. (If im not wrong, im sorry if this is assuming too strongly)

It DOES get better. You WILL get better. You are in a VERY important part of the mental illness healing, and it is okay to hurt. It is okay to hurt the worst and feel the worst. You will survive and you can get through this!

I hope to goodness that you feel better soon. But i want you to know: this is a part of healing, you are going to get better. Not everything will feel like you are exploding from the inside out anymore- slowly after time and gradually. You will one day find out you feel better than you ever were. You are okay for this, I beleive in you. I support you with my whole heart. You will have good days.

I am not exaggerating or lying, it does get better.

i’ve read this many times now, and i truly wish i could think of more to say, but i really want to sincerely thank you for this thoughtful, kindhearted message.

processing everything, the trauma of which has deeply rooted itself inside me, that i’ve just only finally broken free of the place that caused it all, being actually accepted for all of the severe mental illnesses i struggle with, i desperately needed to be in this space all my life to finally heal, and yet everything, all of it, feels like it’s hitting the absolute hardest right now.

i think all of which you said is right, i think there’s not only truth in your message but in the amount my wife and friends believe this can still get better for me, it’s just so, so fucking hard to see that clearly through all of this pain.

but again, thank you so much for this message, and thank you to each and every person who both believes in me and also makes me believe there is still a future worth staying here for.

[strangeaxel]

I hate BPD so much, i hate it so much, i just want it to stop being like this.

I'll just go to sleep maybe I'll dream something nice but my god i hate my brain so much I don't even know who i am or what i need, i just want to feel okay i feel like im never enough for anyone. Im just tired and scared,ni hate how life isn't like the movies, i want my life to be a big fiction where im the protagonist, i watch movies and series and i just feel so much jealousy.

I wonder where my friends are, i wonder where my parents are. I wonder where's that childhood I've always wanted. I know I only have one chance to be alive and this is what i get? Remembering my childhood with a 8 year old me begging my mom to kill me bc i didn't want to keep being alive, i just wanted life to end at the tender age of 8 years old and my mom only laughed at me. And my dad doesn't even love me, he never did, i hate him so much as much as he hates me or even more. Idk what to do.

I ain't no perfect human, I'll never be as im sick since i was born and everywhere ill go I'll disgust everyone. Idk what to do anymore. I just want this suffering to stop. Talking isn't useful either, i just want some lovely arms to rest on and feel like I'm in the home i never had.

I hate to know how tough it is to have someone with mental illness as your friend or family, i hate to know im a burden and i hate to know that nobody will actually relate to any of my interests. The world should have stopped in 2015. i envy people that have friends and still do that bullshit of "no, im fine" and say internally "oh i love them, they're so lovely but I'll just keep quiet so i don't bother them" and their friends and family would die to know their state, selfish bullshit, i know you're sad and all but where tf did you get that idea??! I literally would die for your situation. My lord. I wish i could just have what you have. I wish i was skinny, i wish i was innocent, i wish i was a kid again and stop everything that's coming to me, i wish i had born somewhere else, i wish i wasn't me, i wish my brain wasn't like this, i wish nobody hated me, i wish i didn't hate everyone, i wish i could live, i wish my dad love me, i wish my family love me, i wish everyone love me, i wish i was a good person, i wish i was somewhere else.

I won't accept im 20 next year, I won't accept my life is ruined, I won't accept i am still alive.

I wanna be an idle teen. Something i couldn't even do. Im that autistic girl that died in her couch, that's me, it's just that nobody know it, nobody knows my parents don't care enough, nobody knows i drop off school bc of bullying and depression at 13 and that i rot in my bed.

The whole, "K*lling urself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" bullshit is spouted by the ignorant lucky ones who have only had temporary problems. Some people's problems are permanent so maybe try offering actual help and support to them rather than regurgitating an overused phrase that means nothing to people with real struggles.

[cathulhu-collective]

Major TW for ED content.

I have struggled with an eating disorder since about 12. It's been varying degrees of severity, and has fluxuated between ana and mia. My whole family are nazis about food, but my dad was the worst. He would ridicule me for my thighs touching or if I had a muffin top. He was relentless. Till the day he died that man never apologized for a thing. But the rest of my family was just as neurotic, even if not as cruel. My sister was overweight and I was basically a normal weight so she got it much worse than I did.

Anyhow, I started a diet at 12 to please my dad and it worked. I finally had his approval. Never in my entire life before then had I had it. At first the diet started out normal. I was eating fresher food, less of it, working out more, cutting out sugar. I slowly lost weight and all the adults in my life that had never had a nice word to say before were praising me and my discipline. My cousins, also with eating disorders, did the same. There werent many things we could relate on so I was proud of this.

Anyway, by the end of that year, I'd become addicted to losing weight. That summer I did nothing but sequester myself in my room, work out, weight myself, starve myself, and browse pro ana sites. I had a binder full of nutrition facts and to this day could give you the calorie count on just about anything. I taught myself to purge. It eventually became apparent to my mom that I was developing a problem, but, she was struggling with her own stresses, untreated mental illness, and my sister who was an addict at that time. Even so, not then nor for the entire time I lived with her, she did not take me to a therapist, or to a facility for treatment. She wanted me to, but I resisted, I fought, and she didnt have the strength to enforce those boundaries with me.

I wont tell the full story today, but flash forward to me turning 24 or so, I spent the next almost 3 years in and out of treatment facilities with my mental health in total shambles. The eating disorder was only the symptom. The underlying problem was extreme trauma, and I couldnt speak of it, so I couldnt heal. It was evident to the people treating me they were looking at a lot of trauma but their treatment modalities - and I have been in about 5 different treatments, some more than once - did not include much for trauma other than psychotherapy. And when insurance drops you from the program, you lose your therapist. I never had a long term one.

I was also very unaware the extent of my trauma. The parts I knew were bad but it was like a stray thread hanging off a shirt, that when you pull on it, totally unravels everything. I couldnt touch that string and try to work on the trauma without totally dissolving into a non functional, dissociative, purging, starving, self injurous mess of a person who couldnt take care of themselves at all let alone work or go to school.

Because of the things that have happened to me, I am on federal disability and cant work or go to school. I tried going back to school about 6 different times over the last decade. Each time I have been forced to drop out.

So, in the past two years, my ED has come back up again, and in the past 6 months has gotten a lot worse. Because of the amount of meds Im on I have a hard time sometimes eating, and alongside regular exercise I have lost a lot of weight. Im fairly underweight and my psychiatrist isnt happy about it. She even suggested that if I dont gain any weight before our next appointment maybe we should look at another treatment center. Which I dont want. My pride doesnt want to let me accept that I am similar to how I was when I was at my worst. Back then I wanted to be vanishingly thin and put every last effort into it. These days I dont try to lose weight but I am also terrified to gain any. And so even though I tell myself I dont care the way I once did, I think I still probably have an issue of some kind.

In the past girls like eugenie coony were my absolute idols, as sick as that sounds. Whenever I was in treatment with girls skinnier than me I went into a tailspin and crashed out. Treatment may have actually made me worse because of that. But now I look at girls like eugenia and think what everybody else does, that she is really hard to look at and clearly sick. I am not nearly as thin as her but I look similar to the way ariana grande does right now. Not healthy. Not most people's ideal body. But I am scared if I gain weight I just wont stop gaining it. So the amount of food I eat, it doesnt seem that little to me, but I wouldnt be like this if it wasnt.

So, not sure what to do. I didnt think Id find myself in a situation like this again. My next appointment is on dec 27th and Im legitimately concerned.

[angelsmanifesto]

This is my mental illness blog so I suppose this would fit here ;

Brain dump vent thing. I'm gonna be so honest this is kinda like. De-humanizey sorta towards myself so ! Tw for that.

I am failing. At everything currently it feels like. I am not up to my standards and even if my standards are high gods to me it's all I've ever known. All I know is to keep pushing forward and Not feel and I physically cannot do that anymore at that level

I don't think I would survive it

I'vw been so much. Genuinely worse recently and it's so hard to come to terms with it. Because I refuse to come to terms with it.

I feel like a complete. Just :( terrible thing though. I'm aware logically that's not true. But gods. I haven't been as active I haven't been as helpful I haven't been able to be as There or present for those I love and I want to weep. I learned to be honest but at what cost

I accepted my struggles I got less scared of saying I'm unwell but i feel like the worst person ever and

like this is ridiculous logically but I'm like

I'm not human enough to have these struggles or to claim them as my own

they aren't mine those words those terms aren't mine because im not enough of a person for it

nothing I experience will ever be as real or valid as other's experiences because I am not like them

im never gonna be human enough

people genuinely deserve better than me

I want o be perfect and better for my flock but im

I'm not perfect cause I'm not a person I'm never gonna get there. They deserve someone more real than me

im an idea im a failed concept of a person

a scrap

Jesus Christ I needed to go to therapy today but look what I got instead..Tumblr ! woo. if u read this I am so so so sorry . you really shouldn't bother reading my shit. I mean it fullheartedly not in a. "Ohhh I don't deserve you" no like you like actually have better shit to do.

[ciprianosoul]

Why am i tired

I feel like im falling

Like if i stand still ill just topple over

Its wrong

Im young

But why does my body feel like its full of lead

I just wanna pay attention but i cant

Focus but its hard

And every time i try its like my vision blurs

My head hurts

And my body gives up

Im so tired

But not in the way i wanna die

I just wish for life to end

I open my arms to it

But im terrified

Not of death

Never of death

But of religion

Of what happens when i do die because of religion

I feel that im not ready

Or at least thats what i believe

Which is wrong cause i have accepted christ

But i still fell un ready un worthy

I know that if i die i probably wont go

Because i don’t believe i will

I wonder how it feels to feel worthy

To feel ready

To know 100% that if you die you have eternal life

But im not

Or at least i feel like im not

And that terrifies me

I think i would rather nothing than a kingdom

Its just to much pressure to try to get into a place that i don’t even know i want

I want love

I want warmth

But i also want solitude

And i prefer the cold

Who’s to say that eternal life is good

I feel that it could be difficult

To always live

To always exist

Im only 22 and im already so tired

Tired of life

Not of living

But just life

I want to jump forward

Or just end it

Um tired

Physically

Mentally

Emotionally

Any way you can think of

I feel like ill probably always feel this way

And its terrifying to think that

I don’t want to live another 60 to 80 years like this

I feel like one more day is enough

Im tired of hearing the same things from people

I wanna start over

Disappear completely

And start over

But i cant

Because of fear

And because i still love the people around me

I wish i was cold like so many people think i am

But im not

Its just a face

A face from the closet of many

One that i cant throw out because if i do than ill crumble

I just want to give up

But im an optimist mixed with a realist

And i know that giving up will lead to more pain

Im literally hanging in there

Going through the motions

Always saying just one more day everyday

Always just get through the day

Or get through the week the month the year but in reality i don’t feel like i could get through the hour

Im tired

But not the sleepy kind

I dont feel like i can hold on anymore than i am

And i dont feel like the real me will be acceted by the people around me

And when i think of telling them i can only see the people i will lose

And its alot

There are few that I believe will stay and even then i doubt

Im told to find love

Im told why haven’t i found love

But they Dont know the truth

Im unlovable

And when i think of spending my life with someone it not the norm

But i cant disappoint

I cant shame

So even though i want someone

I can never have someone

Ive decided that to keep the people around me

I must give ip on love

Give up on finding my other half

Give up on finding anyone

I could be a nun if i wanted

A monk maybe

I mean im probably gonna be selobit till the day i die

Always putting people first

It sucks that my happiness

My peace

Is always second best

And thats sad i know that

But thats the only way i see

Leave myself suffer so others don’t

And maybe thats one of the reasons im so tired

Sometimes all i wanna do is love someone

But I’ve never done it and so i don’t know how to feel

I feel like ill never feel that

But then there are some days where i feel like its better that i don’t have someone to love

It means i don’t have anyone to disappoint

Im tired

And i give up

Life is hard

-Cipriano

[myr1aa]

🪷 07.08.2024 || today was my second day of work and i think im adjusting well!! everyone is super sweet there and im so thankful to be working there <3 had a bit of a mental breakdown the other day realizing i have to take 4 pre-requisite courses for uni (yes im already accepted but i want to switch to a different field) but i won't give up! i will work my butt off and i won't let anything get in my way i refuse to give up i am not a quitter (says the girl who practically quit all of her last semester of high school) anywaysssss ive been exercising more regularly again which is awesome i feel way better than i did bed rotting (i do love bed rotting but it makes me feel stiff and rickety ive lost all my flexibility) btw take a shot every time i use brackets (pls dont) tomorrow i think im gonna go for a long run!!! if the weather is cool enough ill go for an outdoor run and im also retaking my L test for driving so i can start driving again im so so so excited!!! i need to practice parking and then im gonna get a few lessons and i can get my N and then im gonna buy my dream car with all my hard earned money tehehe i have also reclaimed my stanley as my own!!!! im very proud of myself this is a major step forward in putting my ex completely in my past (the scs for today are regarding my stanley because i haven't been taking pictures these past couple weeks) all in all thats how ive been and this was a rlly long update because i haven't been posting or rlly talking to people for like a week or two! if u made it this far ily smooches bye byeeee (*/▽＼*)

[thelittlestdragon]

First off, this post is horrifyingly long. Second, this post is unedited. Believe it or not, my job involves a great deal of writing. But this, this isn’t earning me a salary. This is thoughts on paper (or my iCloud notes) at worst and a trauma dump at best. I’ve felt a lot shifting in my life recently. I don’t like change, and yet I throw myself into it because I am convinced I have something to fucking prove every second of every heckin’ day. (Former gifted and talented kid here).

Those close to me have known I spent much of my life fighting. That I’ve “overcome so much.” But fuck, I am tired. I am exhausted from being the poster child for inner strength. I’m tired of so many viewing me as a person who is formidable simply because my story involves a fair amount of pain. I want to be known as a fucking dragon who will burn a city to the ground, not because I have a tortured, character arc of a past, but because I give so many fucks about people. My people. The world. Myself. So I’m taking a step.

That being said, this is not a call for help. For once in my life I am safe. I feel safe. I feel loved. I’ve been so ridiculously fortunate to have my circle of people, my chosen family by my side. I am simply trying something new. Taking a big girl step. In an effort to heal, accept, and ascend into whatever dragon queen being I can, I am writing bits of my life down. Im doing this for myself. Because I need to be vulnerable. I need to speak it, write it, feel it, accept it… and then let it go.* I am also doing this for anyone out there who might need to know that even after everything is all right that it’s okay to still feel like you are struggling. Your progress is not diminished because you have a bad day. It is not erased because you are still feel afraid or hurt.

Before we go further TW to all. Descriptions, language and scenes of physical, emotional and verbal abuse; narcissism; domestic violence; sexual assault; suicide; guns; mental illness; familial trauma; religion used as a manipulative weapon; and probs more but those are the biggies. If there are others you feel I should include please let me know.

If you read beyond this, thanks for coming to my TED talk.

—————————————————————

All of my life I’ve had to get up. Claw. Climb. Scream. Rage. Fight.

Some of my earliest memories are of my family in chaos. Pain. Today, I know that is because I lived with a narcissist. An abuser. A predator. Someone who was supposed to be my father. I did not get to be a child. So many people saw what was happening. So many people could have asked the right questions, should have asked the questions, and did not. I had teachers, friends and even coaches who viewed me as a troubled person. Who viewed me as less, because the signs they saw, the ones they chose to ignore, were character flaws. They were weaknesses to exploit. I have been told a lot of things about myself throughout my life… from people who were supposed to protect me.

YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT.

Is what my father said when I didn’t want to take the picture for my “album cover.” He was a “musician” always days away from his next big break, his next tour. He “gave up his life and to give me one.” He said it so often I should have had it memorialized on something. He was convinced that if he pushed me to sing, to the play piano, that I would be his in to the music industry. His final big break. He’d decided we would take pictures for my upcoming album? Yo, I was seven. I wanted to literally just study for my second grade spelling test. We took his pictures first, myself and my mom. He was writing a new album so, he needed promotional photos too. I was up next. I had long brown hair. So long I could sit on it. We took a few with my hair cascading down my back and me smiling a toothless grin. I’d just lost two of my bottom teeth. Then he pulled my hair forward, and told me to take my shirt off. I didn’t want to because it was cold. He said it was “part of the artistic vision.” My mom looked uncomfortable and I didn’t know why. They pulled my hair forward to cover, took my shirt and took the photos. To this day I don’t know where the photos are or what was done with them. I don’t remember ever seeing them. It took me until I was twenty seven to remember that night. In the past few years, I learned that he’d sexually abused my sister when she was a child. And that my other sister had become prey for my paternal grandfather. I personally don’t remember of any other instances happening to me beyond those photos. I do however, remember that I was seven and that I was cold.

YOU ARE NOTHING.

Is why my father said to me when he set his 40 caliber handgun on the oak, pullout TV tray and stared at me. Once again, my mother and I had done something wrong. I can’t remember what as there were so many times. So many times I’d been beaten. So many times he’d dragged me by my hair from one room to the next. Once, I’d kicked him, trying to get him to release my hair. My mother begged me, sobbed, to get me to stop. To end it. Because clearly, I was in control. This particular time, the gun was not a threat to me. But a “come to Jesus moment.” He’d declared (for the third time?) he was going to shoot himself. He would end his life and it was my fault. I’d become so awful in my 14 years that the only thing or situation to rectify it, was for him to leave me on this earth “alone.” “This is the only way your mother will truly be a mom to you,” he said. “You deserve this, you are wicked and god will remember the blood I spill from myself because of you.” So, feeling overwhelmed with guilt, I asked him whether he wanted to be buried or cremated. He smiled, praised me for my strength. Told me I’d need it to get by without him. He did not kill himself. Two days later, he took me to get ice cream.

YOU’RE DOING GREAT. (TW sexual assault)

Is what my then boyfriend said when I put the red colored, flavored? condom on him. I’d gone with him to the movies to see Inception in theaters. It was Halloween. Halloween was my favorite. He’d talked me in to going home with him to watch movies instead. My mother knew I was at the movies. His mom was going to drive us. My father was on a hunting trip. I had one parent in the mix who said it was okay. So, I felt it was safe. No chance of my father finding out. His mom let us go in his room to watch paranormal activity. She let him close the door. I’d never been in a room with the door closed before. I wasn’t allowed. He said it’s because we were 15. And he’d promised not to be loud. I giggled. 30 minutes later he showed me how to put a condom on. It wasn’t my first time having sex (my 2nd - rip to my first love and summer romance) but it was the first time I did that. I was okay with it. Excited even. I’d known him since middle school. Liked him too. At this point, we’d been together an astounding 2 weeks. I felt like he wanted this so I wanted it to. It was fine at first but when I went to lay on my back he grabbed my waist and flipped me on my stomach. “What are you doing,” I asked suddenly nervous. “Shhhh. I got you.” I decided I didn’t want it. I had heard about it, but I didn’t want to do it. Anal was not something I thought would be fun. I sat up, said “I don’t think I want this anymore.” He kissed my shoulder and pushed me back down. “It’s okay. It’s just me. You’re doing great.” is what he whispered over and over again in my ear while my hair blocked my sight. My hair was so long it got wrapped around my face. I struggled to breathe through it. I was frozen. I didn’t say anything. When we got dressed to leave he kissed my head and his mom drove us back to the movie theater. He dumped me a week later.

YOU ARE WEAK.

Is what my father said when I’d screamed loud enough for our neighbors to hear, “leave her alone!” He’d gone after my mother again. Hitting her. Shoving her. He was 5’ 11” and 280lbs. She was 5’1” and at the time, 140… maybe. I’d had it. I was 16, and all my life I remember a handful of days that were good. So good that I felt like daddy’s princess. Everyone who “knew him” outside of our household or circle, thought of him as an upstanding, god-fearing man. To us, he was a monster behind closed doors. One that was a fucking bomb that could blow up at any second. And then there were days like that night. He’d hit her, dragged her by her hair and into her room before slamming the door. Her screams and sobs grew louder. So I screamed. He was in a rage when he opened the door. He came after me, and she’d come out of her room saying she was so sorry, to stop this. He’d turned to hit her until I stepped in front of him and he hit me instead. I felt power in that moment. But it was fleeting.

YOU ARE NOT A TEAM PLAYER.

Is what my cheer coach told me when I asked why I wasn’t eligible to be a candidate for cheer captain as one of 3 varsity seniors. I’d put in the work for three years. All the events. Car washes. Practice. Games. But I was laughed at when I asked why. The week prior, I missed a special stunt group (Saturday) practice in preparation for state comp because my father locked me in a closet for getting a B in my math class and C on a chem test. They called again and again. I was allowed to answer the third time they called. “Where are you? Why would you do this? Do you understand that you’re hurting the team?” My father said it was a privilege to be at practice… that I didn’t deserve it. So, I wasn’t going. I simply told my coach and stunt group I couldn’t make it. When I couldn’t give a reason why, he hit me for my bad grades. He hit me for crying during the phone call. Two days later, he hit me again for losing my spot on the stunt team. I had the poorly covered bruises to prove it. They didn’t ask if I was okay after an out-of-character no call no show. They whispered when I walked into practice. My coach said people who aren’t team players don’t get opportunities.

YOU WILL NOT FUCK THIS UP FOR ME.

Is what my father said after he woke me up to hand me the college acceptance letter I’d received. The one and only I was going to receive as I’d only applied to one school. The one that he’d already opened and read without me, because my accomplishments were never about me. They were a means to an end for him. “You will not date,” “you will not impregnate yourself,” and “you will not embarrass me” were next. When the time came, he drove me up to school - 300+ miles north, but still in the same state. He and my mother dropped me off at school saying that despite my failures, some admissions counselor had taken pity on me. That I was an Alvarez. That I would not fuck this up because my family needed me.

YOU ARE DEAD.

Is what my father said on his 1,949,373,678 voicemail after I walked out of a restaurant, got in my best friend’s car and left him (and my mother) behind. Two days before, I’d told him I’d changed my major, I’d gotten a job and I’d be living in my college town from now on. As a 19 year old, this was legal… normal even. For a narcissist, an abuser, this meant he was losing control of me. This wasn’t in his plan. He threatened me and my mother and told me I had to make the 300+ mile trip home to get all of my things because they would throw them out. All in all I should not have gone. But I went anyway, and my best friend drove me across the state. The moment I got there, the threats and the violence promised over the phone were washed away with hugs, kisses and laughter. He was a completely different person. So glad to have his daughter back. The second I could get a moment alone with my mother, I said “he has no intention of letting me leave. He’s never going to let me go is he?” She wouldn’t say anything. Wouldn’t make eye contact. I knew. I was in a panic. There wasn’t a way out. We’d gone to dinner, and I’d told my best friend to make the trip back without me, that I’d figure it out. Instead she walked into the restaurant 20 minutes later with a smile and all of the power of a warrior goddess. She smiled. She charmed. He melted. She was always his favorite of my friends. She used this to conjure up an excuse to get me outside. It worked. We ran.

YOU ARE A DISAPPOINTMENT.

Is what my father said when I refused to come home for holidays over the next few years. It’s hard to disconnect entirely from an abuser. Even harder when they are your father. He said I was the reason my mother cried. It’s definitely not because she is bipolar and is married to an abusive narcissist who had ruined all of their relationships with every one of their six children. After everything, I had agreed to weekly phone calls. Mostly to make sure she was alive. If I missed one, there was hell to pay. If I missed Christmas, he said god would make sure I regretted missing it. When I missed their wedding anniversary, I was told I was the scum of the earth for not sending a gift or saying anything. There was never a moment in my life that I ever saw, remember or even heard them mention celebrating their anniversary. To this very moment, I don’t know what day it is.

YOU ARE NOT MY DAUGHTER.

Is what my father said when I cut him out of my life entirely the day I told him I didn’t want him to come to my college graduation. I’d just spent 4.5 years earning my bachelor’s degree and putting myself through school, and I wanted it to be about my accomplishments. I’d been accepted into a masters program and was ready to grow. I knew the second he stepped foot on campus, I’d return to that closed-off caged person. That my day would belong to the narcissist that he is. I told him not to come. The fear I felt was astronomical. He of course told me “I was nothing.” That I’d done and earned nothing without him. In asking him not to come, I’d lost my mother too. Today, it hurts to hear my siblings talk about her. Saying it’s her fault they were hurt. They knew her in another life, before me. (I was born a month after my closest sibling turned 17). They watched her give everything to him and never stand up to him. I recognize that as a mother, she should have chosen her children. She should have chosen me. But I know she was a victim too. I can’t resent her for what she did or didn’t do. She never had the strength to step away. He owned every part of her. She believed it to her very soul. As far as I know, to this day she still does. So, I received my diploma, I left my father’s abuse behind and I lost my mother. But I never really had her.

——————

You will always have people who will tell you who and what you are. But you have the power to change that. You can make that choice for yourself.

The point of this is not to tell you I had a shit childhood. It’s not to gain pity or support. I have built my family and support system over the years. Without them, I wouldn’t be here.

In a way, this is my own form of therapy. This isn’t the first time I’ve told someone different parts of my trauma. However, it is the first time I’ve written it down or told complete strangers. Fuck, this is my first post on tumblr… so, yay! Gold star for me.

I hope that sharing my experiences might help someone else. Someone who is maybe still struggling with the things that have happened to them. I hope that if you read this, that you share it so that they might someday know that the things/situations/moments that happened to them don’t have to be used as a weapon. That they don’t always have to be strong. People will always try to explain away your ticks. Your mannerisms. Your emotions. Your reactions. They might roll their eyes when you say you can’t eat that food, watch that movie, visit that place. I hope from the bottom of my heart that if you take anything away with you from this horrifyingly long, and incredibly vulnerable piece of me, it’s that what happened to you is REAL. Your response and feelings are real. They are valid. Someone else’s experience does not make yours any less valid, traumatizing or painful.

Amid it all, I got up. I clawed. I climbed. I screamed. I raged. I fought.

I still I get up. Claw. Climb. Scream. Rage. Fight.

I recognize that I am the vessel for my own darkness. I am the host for my trauma. All that I have experienced has made me, me. I have made peace with that. And, I can acknowledge that my trauma built me into someone I love today while also acknowledging that what happened to me was PREVENTABLE. It was FUCKED UP. IT WAS NOT OKAY. That does not mean I have to allow my trauma to control me or anyone else.

*Here it is. That little asterisk that was included at the top of this novel. If you were wondering where the fuck it was or why it was there - you have arrived* I wrote this to help myself be vulnerable. To heal and to let some of this shit go. Please keep in mind that letting go, does not mean forgiving. There are some things I have, and some things I. Will. Not. Before y’all say “forgiveness is freedom” please btfu. If there is a higher power, forgiveness is for them. I can let go of what I need to let go of. I do not need to forgive things to feel at peace. That is my choice. For those of you who need it, more power to you. But for anyone who may never want to forgive, that does not make you a bad person.*

My trauma is with me everyday. Whispering. Begging. It’s in the days I can’t wash my hair. It’s in the food I can’t taste or won’t eat. It’s in the bed I can’t move from. In the air I can’t breathe. And still, it does not own me. I will not let it. Because when I have the strength again, I will get up.

I will claw. I will climb. I will scream. I will rage. I will fight.

And so will you.

@againstacecilia thanks for walking into that restaurant. You are my hero. I am forever in your debt.

@heathermysoulchildwhoistoocoolfortumblrandpostsherbadassfanficsonao3instead thanks for teaching me that family is built and that am worthy of love.

@mycutiepatootiehusbandwhoisaredditshitposterandpossiblyscaredoftumblrasheshouldbe thanks for choosing life and love with me everyday.

[manie-sans-delire-x]

If you're doing the TMI ask thingy:

What are the three things you're looking to most rn?

And alsooo ik lately you are looking for a partner so what sort of a guy are you into and who are you looking for?

I'm pretty much open to TMI asks 24/7 lol

Hmm well earlier I realized how many good tv shows were coming out soon and got excited about that! Fallout tv show this month, Interview with the Vampire s2 in May, and Arcane s2 in Nov!! Ah!! Too bad Blue Eye Samurai s2 isn't coming out for like two years...cry cry.

Also, I write in pieces but some of it has finally shaped into a full first chapter!! I have a bit more to write, but I'm excited to soon have an actual chapter done.

Also looking forward to summer so I can wear my slutty little clothes, and I havent been clubbing for too long.

Honestly thats hard to say because every guy I've liked have all been quite different. And this is sad but its mostly been fictional characters, I've only ever had feelings for one real guy in my life, so I'm really not sure. Anyone who makes me actually feel emotions for him, thats the most important thing.

But if I had to say, I would say I like guys who are similar to me- who have a sad soul, are traumatized and mentally ill, have real life experience and have faced legitimate hardships, are on the serious side, deep thinkers, logical, intelligent, who arent afraid to speak their mind and go against the grain or have controversial opinions, who really think for themselves and are their own person. I wouldnt mind if they have anger issues and are aggressive or violent as long as they dont direct it at me or become toxic or irrational. I like men who are confident, self assured, and mentally mature, capable, tough. I like guys to be on the rougher side, even a little sadistic and dark. Masculine energy. Protective and possessive. Sexually dominant.

But then I can also like some guys who are kinda soft spoken and sweet, who I believe is a rare, truly good person, a better person than me, where I want to protect them instead. Im drawn to artists- whether thats drawing, writers, or musicians.

He has to have soul, depth. And intelligence and maturity. And physical attraction. Those are a must. Wit and good humor. Wisdom.

I dont really care about anything else though- I can accept a broke guy, an addict, a criminal, someone with severe mental illness or severe trauma, family issues. I can accept all that if I like him.

I don't like goofy guys, or guys with feminine vibes. I also dont like people who cant shut the fuck up.

But sexually, I do have my eye on this one guy, just to sleep with though, most likely not as a partner. He's tall, in good shape, good looking, has a skeleton hand tattoo, shaved head, and a tear drop tattoo (which is kinda like the male version of a tramp stamp dont you think hahah). He told me he's been to jail, which isn't surprising. Thats fine, as long as it wasnt against a woman or child. Like I said I do enjoy that rougher look.

[hekkoto]

Funnily that art was about mental suffering and now I would say that physical pain is my bigger issue now lolz Dont worry darklings, Im doing quite well :> aaand I hope to be actually back now! yayaya trust me, I feel so much better and Im full of hopes of coming back to life~! I started creating again, I wanna go back to regular posting again too! I feel better and more confident about creating as last few months made me start to doubt I can actually do anything >XD I think I understand better now some things, like that due to my chronic illness I need to fit my lifestyle to my health. Im getting better at finding time and allowing myself relax and have fun, while not feeling pressured to work all the time. Im spending more time with my husband while not obsessing about not doing enough shit during the day. I allowed myself to do very little in past weeks to let my body recover and I slowly comeback and not rush to be working for most of day again haha Im motivated, full of hopes and with bright perspective for life :> I was doing quite a lot of health related research, especially about Fibromyalgia which causes chronic pain and fatigue. I think that a lot of my issues now might be awful flare up of it. This illness isnt curable but lifestyle fitting to having this and enough rest is something which makes it easier to live with it. I see now clearly that Im unable to have 'normal' job, that me not being able to keep everything clean all the time will be happening, that there will be days I will literally do nothing but thats okay. Im a bit scared cause it obviously limits a lot, I know there will be people who will never understand it and wont treat me with respect but I will go forward no matter what!

wanna support my evil dark empire? Im accepting souls on Patreon and Ko-fi! -> Hekkoto

Huge thanks to all of my Patrons and people who donate 🖤