ciprianosoul

[ciprianosoul]

Oh death what sweetness

To close my eyes and embrace thee

I wish to meet you but hope for awhile

I do not know what to do with my time

Im anxious for your company

Desperate for your touch

I wait with baited breath for my last blink

My last breath

And yet

I know that its far

I have always found life to be over rated

Sad to think that now but the misery of life comes with every step

Im young they say

But they dont see the years behind my eyes

I feel i have liveed a centrey and do not see how i can bear to live another

If it is my time embrace me into your sweet confort

Take my hand and lead me where i need to be

Let there be nothing after for i dont know if i can bear eternal life or damnation

Let it be dark

No dreams

No lights

Just me and the darkness inside

-Cipriano

[ciprianosoul]

To be a ghost

I Don’t need to die

I feel it

Every time i leave my home

I walk on the streets and feel unseen

I talk and go unheard

I scream and i am laughed at

Im angry and yet ignored

Its weird to think that one can be a ghost in ones home

In a friend group

But the truth stands always

I speak and yet i have no voice

I talk and am ignored

For my voice does not count

I am a whisper in a tornado

One hundred feet away from civilization

To feel invisible is the worst superpower ever

Its being there but feeling non existent

At times though being ignored feels is better than being alone

Oh how i wish to scream and be heard

Even if for a second

For its not everyday this ghost is seen

For its not everyday this ghost is heard

For its not everyday this ghost is happy

- Cipriano

[ciprianosoul]

Why am i tired

I feel like im falling

Like if i stand still ill just topple over

Its wrong

Im young

But why does my body feel like its full of lead

I just wanna pay attention but i cant

Focus but its hard

And every time i try its like my vision blurs

My head hurts

And my body gives up

Im so tired

But not in the way i wanna die

I just wish for life to end

I open my arms to it

But im terrified

Not of death

Never of death

But of religion

Of what happens when i do die because of religion

I feel that im not ready

Or at least thats what i believe

Which is wrong cause i have accepted christ

But i still fell un ready un worthy

I know that if i die i probably wont go

Because i don’t believe i will

I wonder how it feels to feel worthy

To feel ready

To know 100% that if you die you have eternal life

But im not

Or at least i feel like im not

And that terrifies me

I think i would rather nothing than a kingdom

Its just to much pressure to try to get into a place that i don’t even know i want

I want love

I want warmth

But i also want solitude

And i prefer the cold

Who’s to say that eternal life is good

I feel that it could be difficult

To always live

To always exist

Im only 22 and im already so tired

Tired of life

Not of living

But just life

I want to jump forward

Or just end it

Um tired

Physically

Mentally

Emotionally

Any way you can think of

I feel like ill probably always feel this way

And its terrifying to think that

I don’t want to live another 60 to 80 years like this

I feel like one more day is enough

Im tired of hearing the same things from people

I wanna start over

Disappear completely

And start over

But i cant

Because of fear

And because i still love the people around me

I wish i was cold like so many people think i am

But im not

Its just a face

A face from the closet of many

One that i cant throw out because if i do than ill crumble

I just want to give up

But im an optimist mixed with a realist

And i know that giving up will lead to more pain

Im literally hanging in there

Going through the motions

Always saying just one more day everyday

Always just get through the day

Or get through the week the month the year but in reality i don’t feel like i could get through the hour

Im tired

But not the sleepy kind

I dont feel like i can hold on anymore than i am

And i dont feel like the real me will be acceted by the people around me

And when i think of telling them i can only see the people i will lose

And its alot

There are few that I believe will stay and even then i doubt

Im told to find love

Im told why haven’t i found love

But they Dont know the truth

Im unlovable

And when i think of spending my life with someone it not the norm

But i cant disappoint

I cant shame

So even though i want someone

I can never have someone

Ive decided that to keep the people around me

I must give ip on love

Give up on finding my other half

Give up on finding anyone

I could be a nun if i wanted

A monk maybe

I mean im probably gonna be selobit till the day i die

Always putting people first

It sucks that my happiness

My peace

Is always second best

And thats sad i know that

But thats the only way i see

Leave myself suffer so others don’t

And maybe thats one of the reasons im so tired

Sometimes all i wanna do is love someone

But I’ve never done it and so i don’t know how to feel

I feel like ill never feel that

But then there are some days where i feel like its better that i don’t have someone to love

It means i don’t have anyone to disappoint

Im tired

And i give up

Life is hard

-Cipriano

[ciprianosoul]

Oh to love and be loved

By someone who would cherish every breath

Every word spoken

Every step taken

Every look given

To love someone so wholly that there comfort is all you want

That there happiness does not bring you envy but pure unadultered joy

That you may share in there sadness and anger

Become one

And love them with all you have

And hope that they will cherish and love you with all you are

For although you are two

In love you become one in everything

From happiness all the way to sadness

-Cipriano

[ciprianosoul]

You ever heard the saying

“when life hands you lemons,make lemonade”.

Translating losely to

if someone gives you a bad situation make it better.

But how do you make the death of a loved one better.

The answer is

you don’t.

There is no way to make a bad situation better.

There is only finding the light in the tunnel.

So how do you make a death better?

You look at the positives.

Thank god for the time you had with them

and hope that the memories you have of them can be preserved and passed down

so that they can never be forgotten no matter what.

Because the moment you forget

is the moment you lose them.

So focus on those happy memories

and try to remember them

so that they may never die,

instead living forever

in the memories of those left behind.

-Cipriano

[ciprianosoul]

Sometimes we believe that there is no end to life.

That the people that we love will forever be by our side.

And in a way they are always there,

in memories shared,

in gifts given,

in advice received,

and the most important one of all

the love shared.

We believe that no matter what they wont disappear

and then one day,

a day like any other

you open your eyes

and the person you thought would always be there for you

just isn’t anymore.

And so you cry ,

you scream ,

you ask god why they had to leave

not thinking that maybe that person leaving your life was a mercy.

Not for you of course,

cause who wants to lose someone,

but for them it can be a mercy

because just maybe they were hurting to much to stay.

In the end the only thing you can do is thank god,

because even though he took away someone so special

he gave you the honor and the privilege to spend time with that person.

To make memories

and love and be loved by them .

Letting them shape your life

and transform you into a better person

who after losing someone

will hopefully see

that in this life

the only thing we can do

is live.

Not survive,

live,

every moment to its fullest

spreading happiness and love were ever you choose to go.

So that the happiness and love that the person gifted you

can be passed down through generations of people.

Sharing memories and keeping that person alive

through the stories told and the lessons learned.

So love,

remember

and move forward,

cause thats the best any of us can do

in a place were darkness roams a light shines.

-Cipriano

[ciprianosoul]

Hey im here to tell you thats it’s ok to be afraid.

There is no courage with out fear.

Just like theres no dark without light,

no good without bad,

and no hero’s without a villan.

Life is full of opposites that need one another to exsit.

So be afraid because in your fear you will find the courage to move foward and face everything that is waiting for you up ahead.

-Cipriano