#but even in the movies . aside from being an angsty teen . he doesn’t seem that bad in my opinion

[contradictivs]

I only get the occasional s/myer slander videos on my fyp but I will admit something controversial — they’re making me like jacob again

[coco96]

LDAF - The Avengers

Hiding Magic (Avengers X Teen!Reader) Warnings: Mention of crime (stealing) Request: ... reader who is a very powerful magician ... who also robs because their family is poor ... One day all the Avengers comes to their school to give a speech. However, the reader gets there late and sees the Avengers thinking they’re about to get arrested. They then go to the Bathroom to use magic and escape. Right when R using magic Peter, Tony, Strange walks in. After talking the R ends up an Avenger.

Serenity (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Sick child, illness Request: ... reader being a part of the avengers, but the others gets suspicious when she starts refusing missions on particular dates and she always sneaks of, but it turns out she visits a children’s hospital or something because she wants to give them hope? ...

Crushing The Grape (Avengers X Male!Reader) Warnings: Spoilers to Infinity War. Death. Reader basically tortured Thanos. Think Magneto with blood. Request: Could you do avengers x male reader where male reader kills that giant purple grape(thanos) on Titan

The Happiest Avenger (Avengers X Reader) TRIGGER WARNING: Depression and self harm mention Request: ... R is very happy to a point where they’re the happiest person on the avengers but the R is secretly messed up, they never shows it. The R has a secret they self-harm. So one day Steve finds the scars while they’re talking in the kitchen then thinks the worst. So he sets up a meeting with the crew and the next day R walks in and the crew have to act normal but then comfronts the R but the end is very fluff

Young Weapon (Avengers X Teen!Male!Reader) Warnings: Mention of violence, mention of fire, death of parents, mention of torture Request: ... reader where he’s discovered as a brainwashed assassin (like bucky) where he was taken when he was like 5 and is now 15 and he suffered worse than bucky did and they try to help him oh wow that was long

Not Happening (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Mentions of torture, brain washing, ptsd/nightmares and killing. Request: ... reader is a superpowered teenager that the avengers took care of after finding her in a hydra base. She’s still trying to fit in but the government is trying to take her away due to her past crimes when she was still controlled by hydra ...

Scratches (Avengers X Male!Reader) Warnings: Sexual mentions Request: … Where male reader was training and took his shirt of and the avengers see he has scratches(from late night activities) on his back and tease him about it and he comes up with a sassy response. The whole late night activities don’t have to be detailed

No More Fighting Pt 1 (Avengers X Reader)     |     Part 2 Warnings: Death of character Request: ... before the battle cap and iron have a fight but the reader plays peacemaker and makes everything alright. At the battle the reader sacrifice themself to help the avengers get away before getting captured ... but the avengers think they k.i.a. And at the funeral cap and iron make peace for the sake of the reader

Ranger (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Fighting Request: .... a steampunk style and meets the avengers after they see her beating up bad guys or something ...

Testing Patience (Avengers X Fem!Reader)     |     Part 2 Warnings: Mild swearing Request: … a very calm reader who life with the avengers in the tower and one day she is mad at something and all the avengers are there and think she is very cute when she is angry and hug her and joke on her, and she gets more angy because they think she is cute …

Anomaly (Avengers X Teen!Male!Reader) Request: ... reader who is a powerful being and all they know about their life is that they’re human with powerful powers. Avengers are trying to capture them, they’re trying to capture him to question him. because he robbed a bank and seen what the reader could do. The powers he has are called Imagination Manifestation its like imagining something and comes true. And at the end he some how gets a job at avengers

Blind Meeting (Avengers X Blind!Reader) Request: ... reader is really nervous to meet the avengers because shes blind but peter assures her that itll be fine and the avengers end up loving her

Loyalty (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Torture, memory loss Request: ... reader gets compromised, tries to take down the avengers ... They refuse to fight her ...

Revenge Is Bloody (Avengers X Vampire Reader)     |     Part 2 Warnings: Blood and gore Request: ... hydra operatives keep showing up dead drained of their blood? The team are called to investigate. Bucky is fine with it but everyone seems kind of nervous cause they don’t know what their dealing with. They find out it’s a girl in her teens that hydra experimented on turning her into a vampire and she was able to over power and hunt them down. They track her and she willingly goes with them to join the team.

Much Needed Sleep (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: passing out, swearing. Request: ... reader has insomnia and barely sleeps. She lies to the rest of them (the avengers) so they don’t worry. She has about 4 hours sleep a night, sometimes less. When she’s doing a mission, she collapses from exhaustion ...

Mistake (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Injury, death Request: ... one day the reader messes up badly on a mission and the avengers talk about how the reader let down So the reader quits and the avengers go looking for the reader and finds them and talks about how they’re sorry ...

Real Magic (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warning: Falling from heights, presumed deaths, dangerous stunts. Request: Peter and The avengers go to a circus they decide to go see a magic show, and tony is totally not buying it. It turns out the reader is the star, and her magic is real. Maybe they try to get her on the team. …

“Did you have to seduce the entire team!?” (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Request: … reader is young and beautiful and starts living in the tower with the avengers and she flirts with all of them just for fun, and all of them think that she is in love with them and at the end they start fighting ... and ask reader which one would she choose finally and she chooses ruce ...

I Don’t Know What I’d Do Without You (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Self conscious reader, teasing Request: Can you do a female reader, where she feels as if she isn’t worthy enough to be in the avengers, she feels as if she’s the odd one out. Nat overhears her talking to her friend on the phone about thinking about leaving and she gets the others to convince her she is worthy?

Auntie June Came Early (Male Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warning: Period time~ Request: … reader is in her days and Nat and Wanda are away, and the male avengers got nuts because they think she might be in a lot of pain and overprotect her and dont let her do anything, not even move, and she complain about the pain just once and they all freak out and she thinks is hilarious! ...

Helping (Avengers X Teen!Reader) Warnings: Bulimia, throwing up, bullying, self conscious reader. Request: ... reader is Tony’s daughter (although all of them are protective of her) and she has bulimia and she gets caught purging by one of the team members.

Hello, I’m Pansexual (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Mention of homophobia, anxiety. Request: ... reader’s part of the avengers and has powers, but is pan and struggling w how to come out to the team bc she’s scared they’ll kick her off?

Surprise! (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Sad emotions Request: … reader thinks everyone forgot their birthday but they were just planning a surprise party for them? …

If You Get Killed, Walk It Off. (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Grieving, supposed death, explosion, blood, death Request: … reader is in a mission with the avengers and then there is an explossion and the reader was in that building and everybody thinks that she died, and start to cry and remember how they love her, and finally she was ok, and goes with them and ask what happen? …

Help (Avengers X Reader) SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING: SELF- HARM MENTIONS Request: ... a super angsty self-harm one with avengers.

Where Do Babies Come From? (Avengers X Child!Reader) Warnings: Mild swearing, sex ed talk Request: … reader is the little protect one sister of the avengers (like 12 years old) and she goes around the tower asking the avengers how babies are made. (she doesnt have a mom, so she doesnt know anything) and Tony freaks out because doesnt want her to grow up! …

Phantom (Avengers X Fem!Reader)     |     Part 2 Request: ... reader’s super badass the team rarely sees her shes like a ninja and according to clint who ever sees her outside missions will have a lucky day (lmao) and like when the teams having movie night shes just like standing behind them in the shadows ...

No Spoilers (Avengers X Reader)     |     Part 2     |     Part 3 Warnings: Spoilers of AOU SET BEFORE AOU Request: ... reader from our universe gets dropped into the avengers.

One Last Goodbye (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Death, mourning. Request: … reader died during a mission. Fury give Tony a USB key and told him to watch the video with the rest of the avengers. on the video the reader is talking about how much she loved them and tells each avenger little facts that she loved about them and she thanks them for being her family. …

Birthday Girl (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Request: ... it’s the female readers birthday. She works with the Avengers but aside from that she doesn’t have any friends. She is having a bad birthday, the avengers don’t know. They find out it’s her birthday and surprise her, making it better. …

Welcome to the Family (Avengers X Elf!Reader) Warnings: Mentions of neglect Request: ... reader is half human, half light elf but you were taken from Alfheim and abandoned on earth when the dark elves attacked. (From Thor) The avengers find you and take you in. Thor offers to bring you home but you’ve gotten attached to the human world and decides to stay. You’ve especially gotten attached to Tony cause he treated you like a daughter since you were very young and petite. Smaller then normal elves

Not Your Fault (Avengers X Fem!Teen!Reader) Warnings: Mention of extreme injury, disability, guilt. Request: ... reader is Tony’s teen daughter and she is really good friends with everyone in Team Cap but then during the airport fight she gets hurt and is unable to walk again ... and then when she sees Team Cap again they feel really guilty specially because one of them caused the injury and Natasha feels angry at herself because she was supposed to be her mother figure and look out for her ...

Fitting In (Avengers X Adopted!Reader) Request: ... Tony, being known for his impulsive choices adopts a 14 yr old girl. She’s got the innocent girl next door look but she’s a complete devil. Nat loves her, Clint is afraid of her and Loki, Bucky and Sam are her partners in crime for evil pranks. All is well until she pulls a prank on Bruce and he hulks out. But even Hulk falls under her innocent spell and can’t seem to do anything to her.

Hair Pulling (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Hair pulling, pulling hair out Request: ... One of the Avengers finds out that the reader has trichotillomania and try’s to help them to stop?

Headaches (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Spoilers of AoU, Illness, swearing, mention of getting high and drunk Request: The reader is sick all of the time and the avengers are concerned about them, so they have to try and convince the avengers that they’re okay in the long run ...

Killer Cupcakes (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Serious illness, near death Request: ... reader is like really sick/hurt and tries to hide it from the other avengers, but they find out and freak bc she almost died ...

The Ultimate Sacrifice (Avengers X Male!Reader) Warnings: Death of character, description of death, mourning Request: ... they’re trapped in a capsized (upside down) cruise ship and the reader ... sacrifices himself to save the group, based on the song My Immortal by Evanescence ...

Animals (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Swearing Request: ... reader is sort of spiritually connected with animals or has some sort of connection with animals where they just adore her ... and the avengers ... keep finding random animals around the tower and Tony keeps telling her off for it; secretly everyone finds it amusing and the reader knows this.

I Need My Family (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Mention of harrassment, assault and swearing Request: ... reader is part time university student - part time Avenger ... and reader somehow gets into some trouble that involves the police, and they try to keep it secret from the others, but Steve finds out and tells Wanda, then they tell the others ...

Other Me (Bucky X Fem!Reader)     |     *PREQUEL* [Part 2]     |     Part 3 *Sequel Warnings: Needles, stabbing, blood, death Request: … reader joined the avengers before Bucky. He sees her as sweet, shy and innocent but during missions she’s a complete psycho? After missions its like nothing happened. So he asks Steve about it and he says she’s like that cause before missions they take her off her meds that keep her in check. If she doesn’t have them she’s kinda over the top angry.

Hidden Art (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Request: ... reader is a shy recruit at the Avengers and she doesn’t really talk to anyone and didn’t let anyone in her room, and one day someone walked to her room and found out that she was very good at art ...

Joining The Team Pt 1 (Avengers X Reader)     |     Part 2     |     Part 3     |     Part 4     |     Part 5 ~Finale Warnings: Blood, Violence, torture Request: ... Avengers x reader fic, really angsty ...

Compromised (Neal Caffrey X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Nat kills someone, violence Request: ... Neal Caffrey (reader’s boyfriend) finds out she’s an Avenger, and the Avengers find out she has a boyfriend? Mozzie is protective of Neal and Nat and Bucky are protective of reader and try to scare Neal into backing off?

I’ll Kill Him (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Mentions of Domestic abuse. Request: Reader is the Avenger’s assistant and like a little sister to them, and one day she doesn’t come into work and Bucky goes to her house to make sure she’s OK and finds out she’s in an abusive relationship and helps her.

Where’s Nat? (Avengers X Teen!Reader) Warnings: Blood. Looooots of blood. Request: teen reader has period and goes to avengers for help but Nat isn’t home – Tony is her uncle!

Not alone (Avengers X Reader) SERIOUS WARNING: SELF HARM MENTIONS. Other warnings: Getting shot. Request: Avengers see Reader’s self harm scars and confront her

Overprotective much? (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: One swear word, threatening, flirting, drinking and attempted murder by an overprotective brother. Request: ... reader is Tony´s sister and she is really beautiful (thats why Tony won´t introduce her) and the avengers are surprised and start bothering Tony and he gots really jealous and protective ...

[youwerenevermeanttofeelalone]

Fights & Hot Chocolate | Dick Grayson

Pairing: Dick Grayson x Plus Size Reader

Word Count: 1.5k

Request: can I please request a Dick Grayson x ps! Reader where they fight because she’s part of the teen titans and he doesn’t like the fact that she’s always the first one to fight, and steps in when someone else is in danger so she ends up really injured and he tells her that she can’t go on missions ? Can it be so angsty but then super cutesy and happy at the end?? Pls and ty!!

Warnings: mentions of injuries, light angst, mentions of fights, overprotective!Dick, language maybe? That’s always a given with me, light fluff, mentions of hot chocolate.

A/N: for the love of me I can’t write action so I shifted a few things in the request for this to come out as decent.

❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎

You walked out on him that morning, tired of the same excuse he gave you before every mission. When teenagers fantasize with a protective boyfriend they never think about said boyfriend not letting them do their job, no one fantasizes with their partner making them feel so small actually.

It was hypocritical, yelling at you for putting yourself in danger when he did that every night. Dick was great in every other regard, but when it came to vigilantism he was biased and it was time for him to see it. You feared that fighting so often would damage the relationship, but giving in wasn’t an option because it simply wasn’t fair for you to quit being a Titan— not after how hard it had been for you to believe in yourself, to believe that you were as capable an athletic as the others no matter your weight and complexion.

His orders were harsher when directed at you that day, drier in contrast to the way the spoke to the others. You had already expected it, Dick wasn’t always good at keeping his anger at bay and although he was getting better the pressure of being the leader of a team took a toll on him.

Everything was going smoothly until it didn’t. Gar was too slow and your instincts kicked in. Pushing your friend aside, you yelped as soon as the blade pierced your skin.

Dick’s worry increased as the minutes passed. He was told he had to be patient, not one of his qualities if anyone asked him— or you, or Alfred, or Bruce— and one that even if he had would fail him in such a situation. He should’ve known you would be your stubborn self and put yourself in danger, and he shouldn’t have yelled at you.

❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎

White light blinded you, a pang on your right side making you wince as you tried to adjust to the uncomfortable surface you were laying on and the harsh lighting.

Alfred was by your side in an instant, making sure your vital signs were okay. You weakly smiled at him as a thank you which relieved him. He helped you get comfortable on the bed, careful to not hurt you.

“How’s everyone else?” you struggled to ask.

“They’re more than fine, Ms. (Y/N). You’re the only injured one.” Great, just another reason for Dick to yell at you as soon as he saw you.

You didn’t expect your boyfriend to enter the room the moment Alfred left. The silence between you was as uncomfortable as awkward— he clearly wanted to say something, so you waited for a comment that never came.

Dick couldn’t stop staring or find the appropriate thing to say for that matter. He had known you would be okay, but what if you wouldn’t? What if he hadn’t taken you to Alfred on time? What if the injury had been more critical?

He skipped patrol that night to stay with you in case you needed anything. Your silence hurt him, he wanted to hear your voice, to know you were okay by your own words. Fighting with you always bummed him, and the reason behind said fights always being the same wasn’t comforting at all. He didn’t think it was fair for you to worry him as much as you did because you couldn’t help but putting other people before you— he loved that about you because of how kind and caring you were but he hated it because he didn’t want anything bad to happen to you.

Dick understood, however, that either of you saying something would end in another fight. Not wanting to upset you, he just made you company until you fell asleep.

❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎

Dark strands of hair were such a familiar sight to you. Through your fingers, on your chest or stomach, between your legs, from behind the mirror when Dick fixed his hair as you did your makeup... your favorite one was when you’d get home and he’d be on the couch, laying on his side with a hand under his cheek and his untamed hair let you know he had been tossing on the couch like he often did when he was watching tv or playing video games before falling asleep.

The one you were seeing was close to that, but his neck was stiff and his body curled up in what seemed an attempt to fit perfectly in the armchair. He stirred awake no long after, you hoped it wasn’t because of the intensity of your gaze.

Groggily, he asked, “how are you feeling?”

“Sore,” you answered truthfully.

He bolted up the chair the moment you made a motion to change your position.

You lifted a hand, “I can do it on my own.”

Dick ignored your stubbornness and held you carefully with his palm flat on your back. You groaned as you tried to get comfortable, annoyed by his gesture to no end. His exasperated sigh made you roll your eyes, maddening you even more.

“Can you stop acting like a brat for a moment?”

“I wouldn’t act like a brat if you didn’t make me feel so guilty, Richard!” You snapped.

He huffed, crossing his arms. Opening his mouth only to clamp it shut, Dick turned around and sat back down, seemingly deciding to keep quiet. Probably for the best.

The recovering days were nightmarish. Your boyfriend didn’t really speak to you but would be overprotective at every moment. Dick had gone to the extent of leaving you under his family’s care, his siblings would take turns with Alfred to come and visit you, they’d bring food and movies to watch so they could distract you.

Tired of it all, you waited up for him one night. You felt fine, you weren’t in pain anymore, and you had started to do lightweight chores.

Dick threw his duffle-bag carelessly to the floor upon hearing noises in the kitchen. To his horror, you were making what looked like hot chocolate.

“Lemme do it,” he said from behind you, his warm palm resting lightly on your lower back as if to steady you.

You merely shook your head, your attention never moving away from the saucepan. “Do you want a cup?” you asked softly, hoping you could avoid another fight.

He didn’t answer you. Dick continued to steady you until the beverage was ready. Surprised, you poured the hot mixture into the two mugs you had ready. He removed his hand from your backside to pick both mugs, carrying them to the table.

Smirking to yourself, you turned the hob off. His eyes didn’t leave your form, watching every move you made toward the table. Dick had already pulled a chair out for you which you took, nodding as a thank you.

“You feeling better?” You nodded to answer his question. “Alfred said you’ll be good as new in a couple of weeks.”

“That’s a stretch,” you blurted. Your expectations were to be ready by next week.

He took a gulp of hot chocolate to restrain himself. He had promised he’d try, although it hadn’t gone well the first time he could try some more. “It’s a safety precaution,” he opted for explaining, softly putting the mug on the table.

Wrapping your fingers around your mug, you unconsciously sighed as the heat from the ceramic warmed your palms. “Are you still mad at me?”

“I don’t know,” he answered bluntly. “I don’t want to,” his clarification came quickly, “you scared the shit out of me.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

Dick didn’t doubt it. In fact, one of the few things he was sure in life was that you would never intentionally hurt him. He worried his fear of losing you would make you think he didn’t view you as capable— words weren’t enough to tell you how proud he was of you. And he was sure it was mutual.

“You need to be more careful,” he repeated what he said every time you got injured.

Placing the mug down, you wiped the chocolate mustache off with a napkin as you nodded. “You need to not get mad at me for doing my job, though.”

Dick nodded back, extending his hand across the table to place on top of yours. You marveled at how warm his palms were all the time, how their weight was always so comforting. Like him.

“Am I forgiven?” he inquired, standing up to take the seat next to yours instead of the one in front of you.

Chuckling, you feigned pondering. “I suppose you are,” you teased. The relief of the tension between you finally coming to an end increasing as he turned his hand to intertwine his fingers with yours.

“Thank God,” he exclaimed, leaning to kiss the side of your head. “I hate sleeping without you.”

“That makes two of us.” You leaned closer to him too, placing your head on his shoulder. You knew better than trying to get too touchy at that moment, he’d scold you and get protective, after all.

[thisspaceintentionallyleftblank]

Try, Try Again (pt. 12)

(Cpt 1) | (Cpt 11) ||  (AO3)

Chapter 12 (2953 words)

There’s this cool movie, the kind that even older kids don’t usually get to watch, where a bunch of evil space aliens show up, eat people, and ruin everything. You know it’s hardcore because the poster has the tagline “In space, no one can hear you scream.”

Now, an angsty teen seeing this poster hanging over the horror movie section of the film store might assume that the screams in question are going unheard on account of everybody getting eaten by aliens. 

This however, is not completely true. 

Within the scientific community, experts agree that - evil aliens aside - sound simply cannot travel through space. Unlike light or heat, sound waves travel by causing surrounding particles to vibrate until some of these particles happen to smack into someone else’s eardrums.

So, if you happened to be aboard a spaceship whose engines have just imploded, ripping massive holes in the hull, forcibly venting the atmosphere, and leaving you hopelessly adrift in the vacuum of space, then there would be no particles left for your screams to vibrate. 

This again, is not completely true. 

Even in space, there are a few things left which can transmit sound - namely, the human skeleton. Microscopic vibrations are capable of traveling through the skull, from the jaw up to the tiny bones within the ear. This is the same principle behind those delightful singing toothbrushes, and is the reason why your voice always sounds different in recordings. 

The point here is that the truest thing to say, would be that in space, no one can hear you scream except yourself. 

Of course, this particular detail was of little importance to Emmet Brickowski as he found himself hurtling through the void of space, his own panicked wails ringing in his ears. 

The noise stopped abruptly as he slammed into ground, knocking the wind out of himself. He bounced at least three times, each impact as jarring as the first. Eventually though, his momentum dissipated and he began to slide on his back, leaving clean streaks in the dust and dirt before skidding to a stop in some kind of dark, cavernous space.

It was quiet here, and for a moment, that came as a comfort to Emmet. 

Then, with a mounting sense of dread, he took note of his leaden limbs and uncooperative vocal cords. 

He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. He was paralyzed - a sensation both alarming and familiar. 

“I’ve been here before,” he thought. And, while he didn’t recognize his immediate surroundings, the sentiment still rang true. 

Years ago, he’d leapt from Lord Business’s tower into the Abyss below. His memory of the fall was vague, perhaps due to the time that had passed since or to the surreal, ephemeral nature of the fall itself. His memory of the place he’d found himself afterwards was much stronger. Just like now, he’d lain paralyzed on the ground, an unwitting witness to the events unfolding around him. 

He’d eventually escaped from that place, sent back by one of its strange inhabitants. 

Emmet stared up at the vast thing looming over him, unable to turn or look anywhere else. A cold voice in the back of his mind asked how any of those beings would be able to find him here. 

“It’s okay,” he told himself. “The raptors sent me out on this mission. They'll notice that I’m gone. They’re the ones that pre-programmed the flightplan, so they’ll already know where to look.”

At the time, he’d thought it was weird how the raptors had been rushing him around, especially considering that the ship seemed like it had been prepped a while ago. They’d been in such a hurry that no one had even explained what this new mission was or why none of the crew could come with. 

Emmet’s lips twitched in an attempted frown. His past concerns all felt so trivial in the light of this new situation.   

“They’ll find me soon,” he tried again to reassure himself. “I just have to be patient.” 

---

Ironically, Emmet found himself thinking about Vitruvius pretty regularly. 

It was ironic considering that Vitruvius was the only one of his friends that couldn’t possibly come to his rescue. Regardless, he was the one at the start of all this, and so Emmet’s thoughts routinely returned to the old man and his “fake but real” prophecy. 

Vitruvius had understood that these states were not mutually exclusive - a clarity granted to him after spending countless hours meditating, dwelling on the nature of the universe, and occasionally napping in a super enlightened manner. Trapped here in Undar, Emmet had nothing better to do than meditate himself, and as a result, he was beginning to better understand the truth that Vitruvius had seen. 

“The only thing anyone needs to be special is to believe that you can be,” Vitruvius had told him. “I know that sounds like a cat poster, but it’s true.”

The cat poster, like most things, existed somewhere beyond Emmet’s current prison - out of sight and out of reach. But, even here, he clung to his ability to believe.

The thing about belief is that its power is firmly rooted in the mind. It is something that you choose to do, and by choosing, you give power to the belief. 

These beliefs can be personal - like a New Year’s resolution. You convince yourself that you will eat better or exercise more and, as long as you remain committed to that belief, the resolution maintains its power. 

Beyond that though, there are many things in the world maintained only by the power of collective belief. Things like laws and money might seem like indisputable facts of nature, but in fact, their strength depends on society considering them as such. 

Take language for example. We know that every word was at some point invented by a person but, if everyone simultaneously started making up their own words instead of using those commonly agreed upon, then conversing might get eh fideckal discvanger upso.

It’s like the prophecy - something simultaneously made up and real. 

At first, Emmet was comfortable with this realization. It gave him a sense of comradery, this idea that society was based on mutual agreement and trust. But, the longer that he ruminated, the more that these thoughts ate at him. After all, the power of belief could only go so far…  

The thing about belief is that it can’t go beyond the mind. Believing that 2 plus 2 equals 5 won’t make your math teacher give you back points on your exam. Believing that you can fly won’t suddenly cause the laws of gravity to flip. 

Believing that your friends will come save you won’t make them appear. 

As time passed, Emmet felt the weight of this truth sink further and further into his chest. Here in Undar, he was quite literally trapped in his own mind. But, as he continued contemplating his situation, he began thinking that maybe he always had been. 

Maybe that’s why the other Apocalypseburgers had been tougher than him. Maybe they’d already recognized the lies inherent to the concept of belief. Maybe they’d all seen the truth of the world while Emmet just kept clinging to stupid things like instructions and turn signals. 

He lived in the world of belief - either too naive or too afraid to face reality, to face the fact that maybe just believing that you are special, that you are worthwhile, that you are loved… doesn’t make any of those things true. 

But now, trapped here, staring helplessly upwards into the maw of the machine above, he had no choice. Now reality screamed at him in the wind, and there was no amount of belief that could save him. 

---

“What are you going to do with him?”

The voice, muffled by the thick cell door, snapped Rex out of his reminiscing. 

Taped to the prison wall, Rex found himself slipping into thoughts about Undar far more easily than he was comfortable with. It made sense, considering that he was once again trapped and motionless, an unwilling witness to his friends talking, laughing, and joking with each other just beyond his reach.

The familiarity burned, a deep, hot ache in his chest. He pressed his eyes closed and forced himself to breathe, struggling to maintain his composure. 

He’d escaped from Undar, and he knew he could escape from this prison too. It was just a question of time, and if there was anything that he’d learned in Undar, it was patience.

He started trying to free his hands again. They were taped across his chest, his fingers tucked into his armpits. With every attempt to move, he could feel the fine hairs on his arms being ripped out. It hurt like heck, but it was only physical pain and so Rex could push past it.  

Dimly, he noticed the sound of the door opening. His eyes flashed open, and he forced himself to be still.

Lucy walked in, leveling a hateful gaze his way. Clearly, he thought, she was still upset about his little trick.

“Okay, listen,” Lucy started, her voice rusty. “I don’t know what your deal is, but I know that Emmet doesn’t deserve to get caught up in all this.”

She walked up to the Tape-estry, resting a hand on its edge. “Just tell us where he is,” she said, peeling the corner back slightly, “and maybe we’ll let you go.”

Rex frowned. If the others rescued Emmet from Undar, then things would play out like they had in the last timeline - except that this time, he’d be trapped and unable to access the flux capacitor. Rex wasn’t sure what would happen to him in a “Rex-less” timeline, but… he had a hypothesis. 

“Tough luck, sister,” he spat. “I think you'll find I’m a pretty tough nut to crack.”  

“Oh, you’re nutty for sure.” Lucy sneered, resealing the edge of the tape. 

She turned her back to the prisoner, stepping away as if to leave. Rex’s pulse sped up at the thought, and he cursed his treacherous heart. 

She stopped in the middle of the room, getting just enough distance to try and clear her head. She was certain that Rex was their only hope of finding Emmet. Benny may be able to track his ship, but that was less than useless if Emmet wasn’t on said ship. 

But how could she get Rex to talk? She knew nothing about the man except that he was dangerous and cruel. It seemed like he knew Emmet, but she just couldn’t understand how anyone familiar with her special best friend could do something as heartless as kidnapping him, or worse.

“Can you...” She started. “Can you at least tell me why Emmet?” 

Rex shrugged, wincing as the thoughtless motion caused the tape to pull at his skin again. “To protect him from all of you.”

“From… us?” She stepped back, physically shaken by the utter ridiculousness of the idea. “From his own friends? We wouldn’t hurt Emmet. We- we miss him! We just want him back! Want him to be safe!”

“You don’t want him back.” Rex muttered, exhausted by how obvious it all was. “You guys don’t even like him.” 

“How would you know?” Lucy hissed. “You don’t know us! You don’t know Emmet!”

“I am Emmet.” Rex stated flatly, the confession coming easier than he would have expected. 

Lucy’s fists clenched at her sides. She scowled, forcing herself to ignore the way her nails bit into her palms. “You’re an idiot if you think I’m falling for that again.” 

“I mean, I was Emmet. ” He replied dryly. “It’s time travel stuff, you wouldn’t understand.”

“Emmet could never do the things you've done. He would never lie… never hurt people.” 

“If you want,” Rex pressed on. “I could prove it. I could tell you something that only Emmet would know...”

Lucy didn’t turn. She couldn’t let him see the way his words wormed into her brain. She knew Rex was an imposter, a liar, but… she couldn’t deny that she wanted to hear what he’d say next.

“Like what?”

Rex smiled, the scent of blood in the air as the prey lumbered into a well placed trap. 

“I could tell you that he liked his coffee with just a touch of cream and 26 sugars.”

“Lots- Lots of people know that.”

“I could tell you that, back before the world ended - the first time that is - he told you that you were the first person to ever tell him that he could be special.”

Lucy kept her eyes pointed down. “That’s not proof, he could have tol-”

“I could tell you that I loved you.” Rex answered, his voice increasing in volume, the raw intensity of the sentiment overpowering his usual stoicism. “Even long after you stopped loving me. Even after you left me behind.”

Lucy whirled around, her face dark with rage. “How DARE yo-” 

She stopped abruptly, staring at the trapped man in shock. She was so ready to be angry, but the pain and grief on Rex’s face was dreadfully genuine.

“Why wasn’t I good enough?” Rex screamed, his voice cracking under the strain. “Why?” “Why wasn’t I good enough to come back for?” At some point, he’d stopped forcing his voice and it had slipped back into something unmistakably like Emmet’s, though Lucy had never heard Emmet like this. 

“S-Stop talking like that! You’re not Emmet.” She pressed her fists into her temples, trying to convince herself as much as Rex. “You’re just a vindictive jerk!”

“Well, Emmet wasn’t good enough either was he?!” Rex roared.

“I-” Her voice trembled. “You don't know what you’re talking abo-”

Rex laughed mirthlessly, interrupting her. He was rapidly losing his composure, but couldn’t seem to care. He managed to find a point of vulnerability, a chink in her armor. “Soft little Emmet… that poor, sweet guy. What a Hufflepuff he was. What a stupid loser he was.”

“Hey!” Lucy spat. “You don’t get to talk about him like that.” 

“But everyone else does?” Rex met her eyes, pinning her in place with his steely gaze. “But you do?”

“I don't….”

“What,” Rex asked in a low voice, “was the last thing you talked to Emmet about? Your Emmet? The real Emmet?”

Lucy froze. The last time she’d seen Emmet had been over a week ago, and the memory came to her slowly. He’d asked her yet again if he could come with her on a patrol, hadn’t he… which meant that…

“I told him that he couldn’t come with me.” Lucy droned, almost mechanically. “I told him that he wasn’t tough enough for patrols…”

“Exactly.”

“But that's not the same thing!” Lucy cried. Pricks burned at her eyes. “I was trying to protect him. Telling him that he's not tough isn’t the same as calling him a loser!”

“It is if you hear it enough.”

Rex’s voice was soft. Lucy took a pause. It was a hard thought to come to terms with.

“You… really are him, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Rex pushed. “And that’s why you need to trust that what I’m doing is in his best interest. If you go after Emmet,” Rex looked her directly in the eyes, “you'll only hurt him more.”

The tears started now. Lucy could do little more than tremble as they coursed down her cheeks. 

“Okay,” she whispered, no fight left in her voice.  

She stepped forward, and pulled Rex free from the tape. As he stepped down, he stretched out, flexing feeling back into his arms and legs. He turned towards her, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“You made the right choice, Lucy.”

She shivered and watched him leave.

---

The winds had started up again, a persistent, rumbling thunder that shoved any thoughts out of his mind. 

If Emmet could have cried, he would have.

There was another sound somewhere in the distance, and Emmet braced himself for another one of those terrible, crawling monsters to appear. 

The sound came again, closer and clearer this time. It was a high-pitched droning noise, and with a flash, Emmet recognized it as the whine of an engine.

The drone cut off, abruptly replaced by the whirr of a docking mechanism and the hiss of an opening airlock. 

His heart soared in his chest. He knew the raptors would come for him. He knew it!

Unable to look over, Emmet strained his ears, listening for footsteps or voices, willing them to come closer. 

A sudden fear struck him. What if they didn't find him? This place was huge and dark, and, unable to move or speak, Emmet had no way to signal them. Frantically, he tried to move, to scream.

His arm twitched. 

It wasn’t a lot, but it was more than he’d been able to do before. 

His resolve strengthened, Emmet redoubled his efforts. He tried harder than he’d ever tried anything before. 

His leg kicked, followed by a flick of a wrist and a twist of his neck. Slowly but surely, he regained some kind of control over his body. He grunted, instantly delighted by the sound of his own voice. 

In his self sustained commotion, he failed to notice the sound of approaching footsteps. 

“THERE HE IS!” The voice that rang out was muffled, likely by a helmet, but Emmet still vaguely felt like he should recognize it. 

A figure ran up to him, kneeling at his side. They reached down, taking his hand. Instinctively, Emmet grasped back, not even noticing how much easier the motion had become. 

“DO NOT WORRY,” the speaker continued. They loomed over him, a set of glowing green eyes peering out of the darkness. “WE ARE HERE TO RESCUE YOU, GROMMET!”

[realfuurikuuri]

Chapters: 9/? Fandom: Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart (Cartoon) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

MissingArm!AU: When escaping the cave, it wasn't his tail that got crushed. In exchange for his innocence, he gained a sordid past. The Pure Heart Valley seemed like a good place to escape. To start a new life with a new family to forge a new identity. However, when the past rears its ugly head Mao Mao's forced to step up or be put down.

AN:  We're back at it again in this Krispy Kreme, so let the standard procedure reign. The chapter is a mix of sad and happy, not too fluffy, not too angsty. I think it's kind of sweet as it falls into a Hurt/comfort kind of category, so enjoy that if you can. As always follow @spookylovesboba on varying social media, the song rec this time is: Figure it Out - Royal Blood, and enjoy the chapter.

Direct AO3 Link: XXX

Badgerclops regretted having Jǐngtì stay over. Not because of anything Jǐngtì did, but because he somehow managed to forget HQ was still a wreck. Jǐngtì raised an eyebrow when he saw the mess yet he took it in stride. He didn’t mind helping clean up the mess. Jǐngtì took to the physical labor without much complaint. He gathered broken pieces of wood into a large pile, declining the gloves Badgerclops offered, to pull out splinters like they weren’t an issue. He was tough and stubborn like his father, although Badgerclops wouldn’t tell him that. Maybe it was the two of them together, but they finished cleaning by night. Jǐngtì slept on haphazard bedding made of blankets and pillows not bothered by its ramshackle nature.

Badgerclops sat against the wall, watching the steady rise and fall of Jǐngtì’s chest. He was tempted to join Jǐngtì and get some sleep. Badgerclops did the math in his head. Camille said Mao Mao would be ready to leave by the end of the week, so if he spent the night fixing the tech he can order new furniture tomorrow as well as head down to the valley to buy the supplies to fix the missing floorboards, gashes in the wall and everything else by the time Mao Mao got back. That’d be a nice surprise.

And a lot of work.

Badgerclops groaned as he got up. He was emotionally and physically drained. He walked over to the computer, pressing the power and waiting. The screen was still black. He pressed the power button again and waited. The screen still stayed black. Did he break this too, Badgerclops wondered, getting down o his knees to make sure everything was plugged in.

What’s that?

Hidden underneath the desk was something that shined. Musta’ve missed it when cleaning up. Badgerclops rolled it between his fingers. It was a piece of tech. A broken piece of tech. Badgerclops flicked it into the trash. He watched it land with a metallic clank. Badgerclops then dug the piece of tech out of the trash. He looked over his shoulder to make sure Jǐngtì was sound asleep before sitting at the desk and switching on the desk lamp. Badgerclops shook his shoulders, flexed his fingers, and took a deep breath, inhaling the… nostalgia? Is that what he should call the feeling? Alone at his desk. Alone with his machines. Alone with the unknown.

The piece of tech in front of him was small, slender, and shiny. The exterior made of gold that was strengthened into a magic alloy with something else. The tip of it was filled with pressure and heat sensors that fed into wires inside. That knowledge combined with the hinge at the end lead Badgerclops to conclude that the piece of tech was a finger.

From what, he asked himself. Besides not being able to afford magic-enhanced gold, Badgerclops never remembered even starting a project like this. Mao Mao certainly couldn’t have made this, and Jǐngtì doesn’t seem like a craftsman either. However, Jǐngtì may have brought it. He could have found it in the junkyard, tucked it away, and then simply lost it. He’d have to ask him.

Badgerclops looked over at Jǐngtì to see him still asleep.  Badgerclops shrugged it off, going back to the finger and the warm feeling of memories, late nights spent in enjoyable solitude. He was just beginning to examine the finger with his eye when he noticed an assortment of alarms he set aside. Badgerclops had to cover his mouth to keep him from yelling in his panic.

He forgot to pick up Adorabat.

* * *

Badgerclops snuck out as quietly as he could. Flying back into the valley at the wee hours of the morning. It was a cold night. The wind was blowing. It’d probably rain tomorrow err… today considering it was 2:30.  Couldn’t the weather wait until he fixed the holes in the roof? How did Mao Mao even do that, anyway? Badgerclops landed at the entrance to Camille’s tower. He opened the door with a creek, peeking inside before stepping in.

Camille and Honey were off to the side brewing something. Honey noticed him first. She poked her teacher in the side, nearly making Camille drop her potion. Mao Mao lay on the cot in the center. He and Adorabat were sleeping soundly in each other's arms. Badgerclops walked around the table considering the best way to get Adorabat without waking them up. He considered letting Adorabat stay, but she had school in the morning. He slowly reached out, stopping when Mao Mao shifted and continuing when he settled back down. He pulled Adroabat from Mao Mao’s grasp. For a second, he envisioned himself as Indiana Jones, carefully replacing the idol, however, instead of taking an idol from a ruined temple he was taking a child from a ruined man. I should watch those movies when I get back, he thought until he remembered that the TV was broken.

Once Badgerclops had Adroabat he paused, waiting for something to go wrong. He looked down to make sure Adorabat was still sleeping in his arms, and then he looked up to make sure Mao Mao wasn’t awake either. Badgerclops let out a sigh of relief, as Camille and Honey approached.

“How are things,” he whispered.

“He’s not in any danger of dying, right now. Mostly scrapes, abrasions, bruised bones, a broken rib. He had a large shard of glass in his right pectoral, and a 3-inch hole in his lower left side.”

Badgerclops had to take a deep breath and remind himself to use his inside voice. “A 3-inch what ?”

“Yeah, on his lower left side. 3 inches in diameter. Took a bit of his intestines.”

“Is he going to be okay?”

“Well, you’re lucky he drank so much. If he hadn’t basically made his blood rubbing alcohol that gaping hole in his side would probably be infected,” Camille said. “The wound in itself isn’t life-threatening.”

“Okay. Okay. Okay. That’s...good,” Badgerclops said trying to reassure himself.

 “You worry too much. He’ll be fine,” Camille said, with Hoey practically pushing Badgerclops out the door. “Now go put the baby to bed.

With those closing remarks, the door closed behind him. Until Camille poked her head out. “Oh! And don’t forget to pick Mao Mao up at the end of the week!”

* * *

Badgerclops slowly glided the Aerocycle back down to the ground on the lawn of HQ. He carried Adorabat back inside, choosing to put her to bed next to Jǐngtì. He carefully laid Adorabat down without waking either up. It was kind of weird seeing her sleep lying down in a bed. She normally sleeps upside down -she is a bat after all- but she slept soundly.

Badgerclops’ lingered on them a little longer before turning away to go back to working on the mechanical finger at the desk.  He absentmindedly poked and prodded at the mechanical finger, until he heard the light rustling of blankets and the soft, feline-steps heading towards the dojo. Badgerclops sighed. It was a cold night so he brewed two cups of tea before heading to the dojo.

It was a cool summer night outside. A breeze made it colder. Jǐngtì leaned against the railing. Badgerclops leaned against the doorway, watching him for a time. Jǐngtì didn’t react to Badgerclops, although Badgerclops could tell Jǐngtì knew he was there. His ears turned to follow noise just like his father’s. He’d have to tell him about Mao Mao eventually.

Badgerclops walked up next to Jǐngtì, handing him the cup. “It’s cold out tonight.”

“That’s a terrible conversation starter,” he said, taking a sip before grimacing. “Did you microwave this?”

“Maybe.”

Jǐngtì rolled his eyes and set his cup to the side.

There was a moment of silence before Jǐngtì spoke up again. “Where did you go?”

“To pick up Adorabat.”

Jǐngtì nodded without saying anything.

The silence was just settling in again when Badgerclops cleared his throat. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but your dad is in the hospital.”

“I know.”

Badgerclops was taken aback. “How’d you know?”

“You mentioned it yesterday when bantering with Orangusnake.”

“I did, didn't I?”

“Don’t worry about it. I already knew about it before that anyway.”

“How?”

Jǐngtì sank down, burying his head in his arms. “I’m the one who called 9-1-1.”

“Did you put him in the hospital?”

“What! No! I-,” Jǐngtì sank further down, stammering to get his sentence out.

Jǐngtì took a moment to catch himself, to stop his shuddering breath, to blink the tears out his eyes. “I... I got a call from him. I didn’t know the Sky Pirates had a phone, or that Mao Mao knew their number. Well, they don’t anymore. I broke it. But, I got a call. I didn’t answer it, but… I did listen to the voicemail later. Not much later just a minute or two, but the voicemail got me worried that he’d… do something… dangerous because of me.”

Oh! Oh… Jǐngtì was blaming himself.

Badgerclops placed a supportive on his back. “It wasn’t your fault,” he said.

Jǐngtì turned away, resting his head on his hand, shaking his head with a tired sigh.

He was like his mother when he's angry, Badgerclops thought,  doesn’t yell or scream, just feels exhausted. Badgerclops didn’t know what to do. He stood next to Jǐngtì. His hand on his back in a half-hearted attempt to be reassuring. He wanted to say something, yet he knew that he’d have to pick his words carefully. He’d already fucked it up by accusing him of putting his father in the hospital. He wanted to ask what happened. Jǐngtì certainly knew something Badgerclops didn’t.

Was he willing to pry the information out of Jǐngtì?

Not anymore.

“I heard my mom was back in town.”

“She’s not here anymore, but I can call her if you’d like.”

“No,” Jǐngtì said,” Just tell me what she was doing.”

“She mostly just talked to your father. Asked where you were, Mao Mao didn’t know-,”

“After that?”

“Bao Bao showed up. Mao Mao… was Mao Mao and nearly got himself killed trying to get revenge.”

“Bao Bao’s the guy from the cave, right?”

Badgerclops nodded,” that’s the one. Your mother left with him before Mao Mao could… Make things worse.”

“Is that how he got fucked up?”

“Yeah, that’s the gist of it.”

There was a moment of silence before Badgerclops spoke again. “Hey, I think you dropped this.”

Badgerclops held out the mechanical finger, but instead of taking it Jǐngtì raised an eyebrow. “What is that?”

“It’s a mechanical finger, I think.”

“Why would I have a mechanical finger?”

“I found it under the desk. Thought you might have found it in the junkyard and left it when you fought Mao Mao.”

“Then it's certainly not mine. I fought Mao Mao at the bakery.”

“Wait, is that the reason her window was broken?”

“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.”

“I’m going to have you apologize to her and you’re going to help fix it, but more importantly, you’re saying you didn’t fight Mao Mao here?”

“Yeah. I fought him at the bakery. That’s how he got the shard of glass in his ribs.”

“What about the hole in his stomach?”

“Hole in his… what? That was definitely not me. I left after Mao Mao got skewered with the glass. I don’t know how about- is he going to be okay?”

Badgerclops put his hands up. “I might have oversold it. It took a bit of his intestines, not his stomach. Camille reassured me that he’ll be fine.”

“I guess that’s okay then,” Jǐngtì huffed

“Though, I want to ask if you knew who else he fought.”

“Fought?”

“Yeah, there are signs of a struggle at HQ. It's why it's so broken. Mao Mao got into a pretty serious scuffle after you.”

“Well, I don’t know why you’d think I’d know any more about it than you!”

Jǐngtì ears flattened back and his fur stood on end. He faced Badgerclops, his hand inching towards his knife.

“Jǐngtì...”

“I didn’t do it!”

“I know-”

“I didn’t do it!”

Badgerclops placed his hands on Jǐngtì’s shoulders. “It's fine. I’m not accusing you of anything. I just want to know what happened to your dad. I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

Jǐngtì blinked tears out of his eyes with each shuddered breath.

“Why do you go back inside,” Badgerclops continued,” it's getting cold, and it's getting late.”

“I’ll stay out here.”

“I’m not going to leave you out alone. I’ll be right here.”

Badgerclops stood next to Jǐngtì, placing his hand on his shoulder as they waited for sunrise.

[cinemorg]

I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997); I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998); I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006)

This series began in 1997 when I was 11 years old and not really allowed to watch horror movies yet, so I missed the wave when it happened. I remember it being widely perceived as a Scream ripoff, and Scream remains a very popular series of movies, even spawning a recent television series that ended in 2019. Hardly anyone talks about the Last Summer series anymore though, so I decided to watch them all this week to see what all the teens were talking about way back when.

As it turns out, they’re pretty charming in their own way. I Know... and I Still Know... were both high-budget productions starring some of the hottest teen stars at the time (Jennifer Love Hewitt, Freddy Prinze, Jr., Brandy, Sarah Michelle Gellar, etc.), so it was as close to a guaranteed hit as you could get and there wasn’t much reason to put a lot of work into the writing and directing. In this case, I think it actually worked in the films’ favor, putting them squarely in the category of slasher movies that are suspenseful enough to be interesting, but sprinkled with enough wacky moments and unintentional laughs to make the experience fun rather than harrowing. These actors have no chemistry with each other whatsoever, so watching them pretend to care about each other as they get killed off by a mysterious hook-wielding fisherman wearing a ridiculous rain slicker is sort of funny in its own right and gives both movies a feeling similar to dropping melons off of a tall building to watch them smash on the ground below. It doesn’t matter, the splatter is fun, and it’s not like the melons are mourning each other. Extra points go to I Still Know... for an early Jack Black performance as a stoner loser with dreads who doesn’t seem to have anything to do in life besides hang out at an empty beach resort annoying everybody.

I’ll Always Know... is a completely different animal. Cast and prepped in just two weeks because its first director was fired at the last minute, it’s a straight-to-video disaster full of actors who can’t deliver even a single line believably and weird fake live music performances, where it’s not really clear where exactly anything is taking place because they clearly only secured a handful of shooting locations and just had to dress them up differently to represent different places. It’s the kind of movie where one guy apparently lives in the warehouse where he works, and in one scene where a few characters need to have an aside outside someone’s house, they all just wander off into some tall grass beside the front yard. Another weird thing here is that whereas in previous movies, the killer was clearly a human being exacting revenge for a murder cover-up, here not only is the cover-up totally nonsensical because it’s a cover-up of a freak accident and not a murder, the killer has suddenly become some kind of nearly invincible hook-hand zombie guy who can only be hurt by...other hooks? Not guns, just hooks. Also this one takes place in Colorado, a land-locked state, instead of in a fishing town, so the Fisherman thing really doesn’t make sense anymore. It’s so stupid! I will say, though, that the unintentional comedy from the earlier installments does carry over here (cue a suicidal guy kissing the bottle of pills he’s downing while awful angsty rock plays in the background), so it’s not a total loss. Check out this shot of the movie’s hero being really cool at a party:

Anyway, I guess in summary the first two movies are pretty cool in a blast-from-the-past kind of way and I’d recommend them. The last one...well, I watch these things so you don’t have to.

3 Croaker Queens out of 5

[drink-n-watch]

Are you a loyal anime fan? Do you stand by those shows which have brought you joy?

Lately, I’ve read a few think pieces on how people’s preconceptions can colour our enjoyment of a show. How going into an anime with preconceived notions or expectations based on other people’s experiences, inevitably affects what we end up getting out of our watching experience. But what about the reverse case scenario.

it’s a reverse harem!

Have you ever stumbled across a title you’d never heard of before and thoroughly enjoyed, only to discover that your hidden gem is widely reviled by the anime community? Do you remain faithful to your new love or do you disavow it? Are you suddenly ashamed to admit you enjoyed the show? Do you go as far as downgrading it in your own mind, admitting to yourself that is was indeed riddled with flaws, or do you feel compelled to defend it against accusations you don’t really believe are true?

What if you thought a title was really so-so but endlessly see it described as a classic, a masterpiece, an undeniable work of art? Do you pretend to like it? Do you add it to your top 10 lists just to fit in? Do you avoid giving any opinion or at least try to soften the blow with excuses like: “I was really young when I saw that”?

I know I do.

It’s stupid of course. I end up getting nonsense recommendations for new shows because it’s based on skewed data. Or I find myself sitting through movies or shows I know I won’t enjoy because I somehow didn’t manage to scrape together the microscopic amount of courage required to admit that I don’t like a particular director or studio. On the flip side, I also can’t gush over whatever silly, stupid little show is making me super happy at the moment because I’m afraid people will judge me. Despite the fact that I know no one cares about my anime tastes, at least not enough to actually have them affect their opinion of me.

yes, yes tell me more of this awnimou you like so much – everyone I know

I want to watch shows I like – and I want those types of shows to get made, but people won’t know that unless I tell them. So? Well…As my own feeble attempt at some kind of earnestness, I give you my top 9 animes I’m either ashamed of liking or embarrassed of not getting. Let’s all celebrate our lack of good taste together!

In random order:

😊 The Royal Tutor

I’m not as stupid as I look. I realize this show is just a lighthearted excuse to bring together a flock of beautifully drawn bishies and cash in on the hormonal audience ready to devour it. The animation is minimal, the historic setting is laughable and characters and storyline are all more or less surface level but that’s not what this show was for… It’s paced well, the easy humour may be uninspired but it’s familiar and comforting. What it did do, it did well. The pretty pretty characters are super likeable for all their lack of developments and by golly I would watch another season the second it came out. I would leave work early and everything.

☹ Sakamoto desu ka

When this show came out there was so much hype, even I heard of it. This was recommended to me by just about everybody – the one friend that watches anime, blogs, youtubers even MAL. Everyone told me that this is comedy gold – one of the most hilarious shows to come out in recent years and well, I didn’t get it… My sense of humour is important to me, it’s the one quality I’m actually proud of. I am quick with a laugh and need very little to find the funny in a situation and although Sakamoto wasn’t bad I just didn’t find it that funny and ended up dropping it after 6 episodes or so. I’m very worried that I’m growing dull.

😊 Black Butler II

Black butler, in all its iterations, has long been a guilty pleasure of mine. I am honestly ashamed of liking this show so much. It’s just sooooo emo and gothicky and teenage angsty and I love all of  it. At least it’s fairly popular except I’m a black sheep even among Black Butler fans because my clear favourite is season 2. Most fans will stop talking to me at this point, I understand. But, I adore Alois, I think he’s the perfect embodiment of the cheesy gaudy charm that BB brings to the table and the sarcastic ending was the best. Soo yeah – I’m a lost cause.

☹ My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU

People love this show, I see artwork from it all over the place and I will admit it’s quite pretty. It also has the word SNAFU in the title which is automatic extra points in my book. But everything else never resonated with me. The comedy fell flat, the drama felt fabricated the pace was off and the characters were irrational. I fluctuated between bored and depressed throughout most of it yet still felt the need to watch both seasons, waiting for it to finally pick up. It did not. I did like the orange haired girl’s front cross strap bra thingy….

😊 Alien 9

OK – I can’t explain this one. It’s a mess of a show but I lurve it so much. One of the few series I’ve both watched and read and reread. I could defend it to you guys. The intriguing parasitic/symbiotic alien aspect with a sort of magical girl deconstruction feel. The jarring violence and real suspense but in all honestly even those high points aren’t fully realized. I can’t tell you why it’s better than people think it is but it is. I’m going to go watch it right now.

☹ Azumanga Daioh

I like the Slice of Life and Comedy genres quite a lot (although looking at this list, maybe I don’t?) and Azumanga Daioh is considered by many, a classic. The intro should be! It has its moments to be sure but I just didn’t find it that funny. That aside, what really put me off was the use of a teacher’s predatory and continual sexual harassment of students as a running gag. The show treats it as cute and funny that an adult teacher is clearly trying to grope or see his students naked all the time. I’m afraid that I’m being a stick in the mud or that I somehow missed the distinction between ridiculing bad behaviour rather than humanizing it, but it always skived me out and I just couldn’t shake the feeling. Apparently, I’m the only one who has a problem with this. This scene always made me laugh though: 

😊 Cheer Boys!!

I’ve written a post about this unsubtle cash grab of a show and how I can’t seem to hate it. In fact I’ll just say it, I really like it. It’s indefensible so I won’t even try to but sometimes we just want empty calories. This show won’t bring anything new. There are so many better sports animes out there and you should watch them all before this one. But once you’re done with all the “good” shows….

☹ Spirited Away

Yes, yes, I know – Ghibli, yes genius, yes Myazaki, yes I think he’s really hot, yes this movie is brimming with wonder and charm… I can see the quality but, I mean, so what? Do I remember anything about Chihiro as a person? About any character at all? I don’t, they just didn’t leave a mark on me. I can clearly see the images of what people and things looked like but they have no personalities beyond that for me. I would show this to a small child or an animation student who wants to admire the technical know-how and maybe I should rewatch it. I just didn’t find in it the depth or meaning of earlier titles like Mononoke or the graceful ache of Totoro and I would write more except I don’t remember anything about it…

😊 Cute High Earth Defense Club Love!

Let’s end it on a happy note. Eminareviews named this as the anime she was embarrassed of liking and it suddenly dawned on me that maybe I should be embarrassed too. Sure, the jokes are super easy and the premise is paper thin but what can I tell you guys, this show had me smiling from start to finish. I realize that given the fact that Shinji Takamatsu (of Daily Lives of High School Boys and Gintama fame) was behind this, expectations may have been sky high for some and disappointment was inevitable. I also see that the writers went for some low hanging fruit here, and that they would have been capable of much subtler and more cutting humor but just because it’s a little lazy doesn’t mean it’s not funny. Season 2, now that was not funny….

This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought

Suggested drink: Confidence Builder, alternatively you can throw it in the other person’s face but that would be such a waste…

Every time someone tells you your favorite anime is derivative – drink

Every time some says “I use to like that show before I knew more about anime” – drink

Every time someone gets real nitpicky about an unimportant aspect of your favourite show, like the color palette for example – drink

Every time someone says you should what X instead – it’s so much better – drink

Every time someone tells you, you’ll get it when you learn a bit about… – drink

Every time someone tells you the manga was better – drink

Every time someone says, well I’m more into story driven narratives – drink

Every time someone tells you it’s a poor man’s version of… – drink

Every time someone accuses your show of being cliché – drink

Every time someone accuses your show of being pretentious – drink

Every time someone says aren’t cartoons for children? – go home

Anime confessions Are you a loyal anime fan? Do you stand by those shows which have brought you joy?

[perspectiveartist]

Tagged by @essenceofspace !

1. Coke or Pepsi:

Coke, definitely. I don’t mind Pepsi and learned to tolerate it okay because that’s what my Mom likes best, but if you give me the choice I will always pick Coke.

2. Disney or Dreamworks:

They’ve both got some of my fave movies. Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron and Prince of Egypt are beautiful movies. However, if I go by consistency of excellence, I’d probably go with Disney? But I don’t really have a preference in the way of “I’d rather watch one company over the other”. Dreamworks just seems to reeeeally fluctuate with quality.

3. Coffee or Tea:

I like both alright. I prefer iced coffee and bottled teas lol. I drink tea more than coffee, though. Coffee tends to make me have to shit PRONTO and sometimes when it doesn’t make me have to shit, I still end up like...kinda having an upset stomach? Which does not help my anxieties. So I drink it sometimes but I have to be in the mood and in my own home near a toilet to feel comfortable with it lol. Don’t take me out for coffee, I will get nothing except maybe a water :)

4. Books or Movies: I’m not really sure...I guess books just because it lets me imagine things the way I want them? But they both require a level of attention that I have a hard time maintaining these days. I wonder though if part of my loss of interest in books comes from my eyes getting worse. I haven’t read much since getting them, so it could help.

5. Windows or Mac: I don’t have a strong preference, really. I don’t do a lot of fiddling with my computers, so as long as they can run what I want them to run, I’m fine with them. My desktop is Windows, my laptop is Mac. I’d say my only complaint is how fucking expensive everything Apple is. :/ Wilhelm’s needed repaired for years now but I just can’t justify the expense.

6. DC or Marvel:

Marvel, definitely. There’s some DC stuff I like, but I tend to gravitate towards Marvel more. I’d say Batman and Teen Titans are an exception. But mostly Marvel for me.

7. X-box or Playstation:

Uhhh I don’t really know to be honest? I grew up in a Nintendo household so I’ve never really owned a Playstation or X-box until living with James. Kind of how I feel about computers, I guess. As long as it’s got games I want to play lol. I suppose Playstation probably caters to me a little better.

8. Dragon Age or Mass Effect:

Dragon Age. I haven’t really gotten to play Mass Effect yet, but space as a whole just doesn’t quite appeal to me as much? I do certainly love the alien races and seeing new environments is cool, but overall it just doesn’t hold the appeal to me that Dragon Age’s brand of fantasy does. I feel more creative with DA’s world.

9. Night Owl or Early Riser:

An unfortunate mix of both? I tend to stay up late and wake up early. I don’t really enjoy waking up early, my body just doesn’t leave me much of a choice.

10. Cards or Chess:

Cards. I always forget the rules to chess, card games are usually more straightforward for me.

11. Chocolate or Vanilla:

I assume we’re talking ice cream. Vanilla. For one, chocolate ice cream just rarely tastes like actual chocolate to me. Plus, you can customize vanilla however the hell you want without clashing flavors.

12. Vans or Converse:

Neither really. I pretty much just wear tennis shoes/running shoes/whatever the fuck you call them lol. New Balance is comfy. The shoes I’ve been wearing are New Balance and some kind of Dr. Scholl’s brand.

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar:

Honestly, I’m not sure? My very first Inquisitor was Adaar, so I definitely have a soft spot for them and it was cool to play a new race. But I don’t have a total preference. I model my characters in DA to resemble/act like my characters I write. So I don’t view them as their race, just the character I stuck with that race.

14. Fluff or Angst:

I like both, man. Give me some seriously angsty shit followed by sad fluff. Give me happy fluff. Give me heartbreaking shit. GIVE.

15. Beach or Forest:

Forest. Beaches are great, don’t get me wrong. I enjoy them and I’ve been to a few on vacations when I was younger. But beaches are pretty much always hot unless you go north. And the heat and I are not on good terms. I’d say the downside of forests is they can be fucking humid, and humidity = mosquitoes.

16. Dogs or Cats:

I have a stronger preference towards cats. I’ve always loved them, grew up with them, etc. But I still love dogs and I’d like to have one someday. I’ve basically mentally adopted James’s family’s dog Jake. We’ve always snuggled together when we get the chance and he loves the attention. He just needs to be reminded that I am dainty and cannot be a chew toy sometimes xD

17. Clear Skies or Rain:

Hmm...I really don’t know here...Sometimes I really crave rain, but too much rain can be dreary because I start to feel cooped up. But too much sun can get tiring too because sometimes you just want it to be cooler. I guess it just kind of depends on the season.

18. Cooking or Eating Out:

Here’s the conundrum that ruins my life, aight. Aside from not having money, I can’t really eat out much. I fucking love restaurant food, even just fast food, but here’s the problem: I can’t stand eating in public 90% of the time because anxiety + phobia. I feel trapped and it’s rare that I can relax and properly eat a meal in a restaurant. But I also hate cooking. Which means I actually just eat a lot of junk food when left to my own devices lol. I did cook today though! I steamed some sugar peas and broccoli in teriyaki sauce. Low maintenance and yummy~

19. Spicy Food or Mild:

I can’t stand spicy food. It tends to upset my stomach more often than not. I eat food so blandly half the time you could mistake me for an old woman.

20. Halloween/Samhin or Solistice/Yule/Christmas:

Christmas holds the most sentimental value for me, but I don’t get excited for it like I used to. But I don’t really get excited for Halloween either. I like decorating for both, though, and seeing different decorations.

21. Little too cold or little too hot:

A little too cold. Being a little too hot sends me into anxiety sometimes (what doesn’t tbh) because being hot in general can upset my stomach. Winter’s my favorite for a reason.

22. Superpower

I wanna communicate with animals, Eliza Thornberry style. But I’d also like it to extend to insects and stuff? I’d never be alone.

23. Animation or Live Action:

Animation. It’s more expressive generally and you can do whatever you want with it with no worries about practical effects and the like.

24. Paragon or Renegade:

I would probably end up in the middle, maybe leaning more towards paragon? I prefer to be nice but sometimes it’s just not an option, man. You can’t please everyone.

25. Bath or Showers:

Showers, but it would be nice to have the option to take a bath sometimes. Unfortunately, our tub has a section cut out of it because the last tenant was disabled, so we can’t fill it :C

26. Team Cap or Team Ironman:

If this is about Civil War, I ain’t picking sides. I’m in Switzerland territory with the X-men.

27. Fantasy or Sci-Fi:

Fantasy, but both are good :3

28. Fav Quotes:

I don’t really keep faves, honestly. My preferences change too much. But one I cling to actually came from a dream of mine where I spoke to Christopher Lloyd as Doc Brown lol. But it was meaningful and comforting.

"In all my years of travel, I've never met anyone in the past, present, or future whose path wasn't vastly important."

29. Youtube or Netflix:

Just depends if I’m on my computer or on the couch lol. I don’t use Netflix on my computer.

30. Harry Potter or Percy Jackson:

I haven’t read Percy Jackson and don’t really have an interest in it, so definitely Harry Potter.

31. When I Feel Accomplished:

Uhhh...I guess when I make something I’m proud of?

32. Star Wars or Star Trek:

I’m honestly not huge on either, but I guess I have more good associations with Star Wars because of the people around me.

33. Paperback Books or Hardback:

Hardback, I suppose.

34. A world without literature or music:

Uh...no. I’m not choosing that lol.

35. Who was the last person to make me laugh:

James, probably.

36. Sour or Sweet Candy:

Depends on what I’m in the mood for, honestly. I like sweet stuff but sometimes sour is just great.

37. Believe in aliens?:

Yeah I mean, the universe is too vast not to.

38. Dawn or Dusk:

Dusk, I think.

39. Piercings or Tattoos:

I don’t have either and I probably will never have either. I prefer tattoos on others, but piercings are fine.

40. Girls? Hot?:

Uh yeah man.

41. Snow or Fog:

Snooooow~

42. Sleep facing the wall or room:

I don’t have a real preference where I’m facing as much as whatever side of the bed I’m on.

43. TRC of AFTG:

Uhhh???

44. Horror or Drama:

Drama I guess? Just because horror often upsets me. But I’m not huge on either genre.

45. Orcarina of Time or Majora’s Mask:

Majora’s Mask. I feel it’s got more complexity and emotion to it. 

46. Living in nature or city:

I prefer kind of a medium? I don’t want to live in bumfuck nowhere but I don’t want to be in a city either.

47. Any addictions:

Art supplies ;A;

48. Languages:

English is my first language, I’m working on Spanish and German.

49. What music do I listen too:

Pretty much anything I end up liking? Limiting yourself to a genre is silly.

50. Fav mythical creature:

I’m not sure I have a favorite but I do have a soft spot for mermaids and centaurs.

51. Safe zone:

There really isn’t one, ever. There’s a downside to any locations or person.

52. First fandom:

Probably Pokemon? Either Pokemon or DBZ.

53. Cartoons or Adult Shows:

Animated anything :D As long as it’s good, I don’t give a fuck who the target audience is.

54. Current music:

Not listening to music right now.

55. Favorite starter?:

Like Pokemon? I have a nostalgic soft spot for Totodile. It was back before I could look up to see what the Pokemon would look like, so I had no idea my little Totodile would grow up to be a big badass Feraligatr and I freaking LOVED it. I feel the same way about Mudkip. Weirdly enough, I prefer to start with FIre types rather than Water.

56.  What would your witch’s familiar be?

Probably just a cat lol.

[megazeo]

As anyone who’s seen me previously speak on the subject already knows, I wasn’t really looking forward to the new Power Rangers movie. Ever since the first image of Elizabeth Banks’ Rita Repulsa was released, I “knew” the movie was doomed. Previous film adaptations that had redesigned its characters to such an extreme degree were The Super Mario Bros. Movie, Godzilla (1998), and X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Movies that were universally agreed to be horrible and insultingly unfaithful to their source material. It only got worse from there. Alpha 5 went from a cutesy robot to a terrifying little monkey-lizard. Goldar went from a main character to a silent, gold Godzilla. The Dino Zords somehow managed to look worse than the Michael Bay Dinobots.

To put it mildly, I was not looking forward to this.

But then the movie actually came out. Despite my initial concerns, I was hearing… good things about the movie? Literally everywhere I went, I heard how this was the movie Power Rangers fans had been waiting for, how it really did justice to the characters despite their redesigns, it was the best thing to come out of the franchise in years, and how it was just a good movie all around. In spite of myself, I started to get hopeful. Excited, even. After all, I didn’t want to dislike the movie. I didn’t want it to be bad. Maybe once I got past the awful redesigns, the movie actually was good. Yeah, Rita looked like some generic Syfy Channel villainess, but maybe she acted like Rita. I’d heard Elizabeth Banks was really hamming it up, and if anything describes Rita Repulsa, it’s hammy. So I put my opinions of the new designs aside. I already knew about them. They were no longer a surprise. I decided they were not going to ruin my enjoyment of the film. This wasn’t the same Power Rangers that I’d grown up with. This was new. I accepted that. I sat in the theater and soon Saban’s Power Rangers (2017) began.

I was stunned.

Out of all the complaints I could’ve had about this movie, I in no way expected it to be BORING.

CAST:

First off, let me say that the characters are well written and that the cast acts them very well. However, that being said, NONE of these characters - except for Billy and, to a slightly lesser degree, Trini - ARE LIKEABLE. Jason is an unhappy, rebellious teen… for some reason? His father wants him to do well in life, but he doesn’t seem to ever really venture into “overachieving asshole parent” territory, so I’m not entirely sure what Jason is rebelling unhappily against. Kimberly is legitimately a HORRIBLE person, spreading a classmate’s nude picture around school. Like, it’s nice that she feels bad about it later, but she’s still nevertheless a HORRIBLE person. And then she says “Serves you right!” when the girl almost gets killed by molten Goldar blood later in the movie because… Kimberly said she was sorry so I guess that makes the other girl a bitch now. Zack is literally just a loudmouth asshole, but I guess we’re supposed to like him/feel sorry for him because he has a sick mother? Billy, as I said before, is the most likeable member of the team, a kind soul who just wants the group to come together and be superheroes. I don’t know why he had to be on the spectrum, exactly. I’m not badmouthing it, or even saying I disliked it, really. It’s done really tastefully and never presented as a bad thing, which is great, it just kinda feels like “This ain’t the ‘90s anymore, yay relevance!” Like, why couldn’t he just be smart and unpopular? Is that not a thing anymore? Trini literally shows up well after everyone else has been fully established and her introduction totally reeks of afterthought, as if the screenwriters suddenly remembered “Oh, wait, there are five teenagers, aren’t there?” That said, once introduced, Trini does become a really interesting character with some actual motivation behind her “teenager with attitude"ness.

To sum up, despite some serious missteps, the Rangers are nevertheless fleshed out and acted well, turning them from the cardboard cutouts of the TV show to some well-rounded, flawed characters. So what was my problem with this story of angsty teenage drama, exactly? It never stopped. This movie was SO busy fleshing out the Rangers that it forgot to do anything Power Rangers-related until roughly the LAST TWENTY MINUTES OF THE MOVIE.

PLOT/PACING/EDITING:

The cliff-jumping scene lasts way too long. As do the “Wait, we all have powers!” scenes as they wake up the next morning after finding the Coins. There are at least three, possibly up to five, different instances of the Rangers standing in a circle, staring sadly at each other, saying “We don’t know each other very well, but we all have shitty lives, so maybe we should come together and be Power Rangers so we can finally have a family.” ALL IN COMPLETELY SEPARATE SCENES. And then we have what feels like twenty minutes of Zordon and Alpha training the Rangers, which is essentially just “Ow, being hit by rocks hurts” over and over. And then one of the Rangers finally succeeds in morphing, so Zordon gets pissed off and tells them all to GTFO…? Now don’t get me wrong, I understand why he gets angry - How can Billy have morphed without knowing how? Time is of the essence. But they should have worked up to Zordon getting to that point. Jason: “Billy just morphed!” Zordon: “What? That’s excellent! Finally, you Rangers are showing some progress! Billy, why don’t you go ahead and tell the others how you did it?” Billy: “…I don’t know how I did it.” Zordon: “…What?” Billy: “I don’t know how I morphed.” Zordon: “What do you mean, you don’t know how you morphed? How is that even possible?!” Billy: “I don’t know, it just happened!” Zordon: “That does it! We don’t have time for this!” This way, the movie shows him becoming understandably frustrated, instead of just blowing up like a temperamental asshole.

This movie drags its feet to an unbelievable level. The scene where the Rangers fight Rita on the docks? That should have happened 30 - 40 minutes into the movie, not right before the final fight of a 2+ hour film. And the fight is shrouded in darkness, reducing Rita and the Rangers to silhouettes, like this is some no-budget direct-to-video movie using darkness to hide its lack of budget. But hey, at least there’s that awesome rematch later where the Rangers fight Rita again after they get their powers, showing how strong they are as a fully powered team… What’s that? That never happens? ARE YOU SERIOUS? This is one of the most basic rules of superhero movies - the hero(es) and the villain(s) have to fight at some point! But hey, at least there’s the really awesome fight scene where the Rangers… fight the Putties. For about ninety seconds.

Let me repeat that: The Power Rangers appear for the first time with roughly twenty minutes of movie left, fight the Redshirts for about a minute and a half, and then the entire rest of the film is Zord action. If you’ve seen the trailers, you’ve pretty much seen all of the Rangers’ non-Zord screen time.

This is even worse than Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie, which featured no fight between the Rangers and Ivan Ooze, but at least had that one good, long fight against the Oozemen at the construction site. Can you imagine if they made a Batman or Avengers movie where the costumed hero appeared for that short a time and only at the very end and never fought the main villain? People would flip their shit.

Also… We get the prologue with Zordon and Rita, then Jason’s introduction with the cow… And then the title? Shouldn’t that have been prologue, title, Jason? That’s such a weird choice.

TONE:

I get it. This isn’t the same kiddie TV show as before. This ain’t your Daddy’s Power Rangers. This is a big budget blockbuster with big boy special effects and biting teen angst!

But holy shit, this whole movie is just so grim and ugly and dark and depressing. There is no beacon of hope, visually or metaphorically. The teens are all awful people aside from Billy, Zordon is an asshole, Alpha is hideous, the Zords look just as ugly as the monsters they fight, the Power Rangers themselves are all dark and overly complicated and bio organic looking (like some sort of deformed love child of Iron Man and the Xenomorphs). The lesson the Rangers need to learn in order to unlock their suits is literally “Stop being assholes, both to each other and in general.” There are no friendly faces in a situation (and franchise) that badly calls out for one. Trini’s mother is psychotic in a scene that was presented as comedic in the trailer - She apparently had a urine sample cup ready and waiting at the dinner table, though thankfully, unlike Dawn of Justice, at least this one goes unfilled. Rita Repulsa, intergalactic sorceress and former Green Ranger, starts causing havoc, but instead of creating monsters and blowing up buildings and demanding that the people of Earth bow to her whim, SHE SPENDS THE FIRST THIRD OF THE FILM MURDERING HOBOS AND POLICEMEN.

THERE IS LITERALLY A NEWS REPORT ABOUT THE “GOLDEN SERIAL KILLER” PLAGUING ANGEL GROVE.

JESUS CHRIST, IS THIS STILL A FAMILY FILM?

This is one of the film’s biggest problems. There are some nice scenes, a few funny lines, and some cool special effects, but at no point does the film really feel fun.

“POWER RANGERS” STUFF:

Oddly, every time an actual name or term from the show was spoken, it brought me out of the movie in a similar fashion as when one of the original cast members cameoed in Ghostbusters (2016). “Putties.” “Alpha 5.” “Rita Repulsa.” “Angel Grove.” “Zeo Crystal.” Oh, right, I’m watching a movie about Power Rangers. I forgot.

And why are the Putties called “Putties?” In the show they’re called Putties because they’re made out of putty. Clay. Here, they’re dirt, rocks, and occasionally concrete. And why are the Putties such a big threat? They range from human sized to fifteen feet tall with six arms and shit. If they wanted some big monster-y things for the Rangers to beat up on why not throw in Eye Guy or King Sphinx or Pumpkin Rapper or something?

I feel like Zordon and Alpha’s voices should’ve been altered a bit. Zordon is a giant computer head whose voice fills the entire ship, so to hear Bryan Cranston’s normal voice come out of him was just weird. Similarly, Bill Hader’s untouched voice didn’t quite fit a tiny “cute” character like Alpha. I’m not saying make them quite as deep/high pitched as in the show, but a slight adjustment would have been nice.

The Power Coins are never shown up close, meaning we never see the dinosaur symbols on them, and so they literally just look like rocks with colored gel bits in the middle. They’re more Power Medallions than Coins.

“I’ll be back for the Crystal! Others will come for the Crystal!” Oh, God, please don’t tell me that every villain’s motivation now is just gonna be “I want the Zeo Crystal.”

I like how they got rid of Bulk and Skull, only to give Billy a bully anyway. Apparently having two bullies would’ve been confusing.

ZORDON, RITA, AND ALPHA:

I like how they go and give Zordon and Rita this big intertwined history - He was the Red Ranger, she was the Green. She betrayed their team and everything went to shit. A big deal was made about this leading up to the film. - and then absolutely none of it matters beyond the opening scene. There’s no “Anakin vs. Obi-Wan” dynamic at all. Zordon doesn’t seem sad about going up against his former teammate, Rita doesn’t have a moment of hesitation at any point, there’s no scene of Rita breaking into the Command Center and the two of them having bitter words with one another. Rita used to be the Green Ranger and… that’s it we’re done with that now.

Speaking of Rita being the Green Ranger (as opposed to simply her history with Zordon), that never really goes anywhere, either. Yeah, she uses the Dragon Coin to charge her wand, but that could’ve just been Rita doing her usual magic spell stuff. She didn’t need to be the Green Ranger for anything she does in the film. At no point does she do anything Green Ranger-y. She doesn’t attempt to summon the Dragonzord. She doesn’t fire an energy blast from her wand that has some cool dragon head effect at the tip of it. There’s no “Only a Power Ranger can access the Zeo Crystal,” which would be bad because Rita is one. This, combined with the lack of any actual interaction between her and Zordon as mentioned above, results in there being literally no reason for her to be the Green Ranger.

I mean, why does Rita not morph? There is never anything said at any point in the movie like she’s too weak to morph, or the Dragon Coin is damaged, or she lost her Morpher in the meteor blast (does this universe even have Morphers?), or she’s evolved past the need for Zordon’s silly Ranger suits, or anything like that. So why doesn’t she actually morph into the full Green Ranger at any point to fight the Rangers? “You’re so silly!” you may be thinking. “Not everything has to be packed into this one movie alone. That’s what the sequels are for!” Except, no, it’s not. If there was a film to actually explore and properly utilize the “Rita is the Green Ranger” plot, it was this one. In future movies, villain-wise, we’re gonna be introducing and dealing with Lord Zedd or King Mondo or whoever. Sure, Rita will probably still be around and team up with Zedd or something, but by then Tommy is going to be the Green Ranger (or Tammy, if the cast has their way). The time for “Green Ranger Rita” has passed.

I feel like Zordon and Alpha desperately needed a scene of their own. Every scene they’re in, they’re either instructing or yelling at or reacting to the Rangers, but they needed a moment to just be characters by themselves. Especially after Zordon loses his shit and the Rangers have their little campfire chat. Alpha: “Zordon, they… They’re trying, y'know? This is a huge thing we’re asking of them. They’re just kids.” Zordon: *sigh* “I know they are. I shouldn’t have yelled at them. I just… I don’t want what happened to my team to happen to them.”

Also, and I will totally chalk this one up to personal preference, but it felt weird with Alpha calling Zordon “Master.” Nothing wrong with it, necessarily, it just felt off to me.

Also also, the Rangers clearly need a strong emotional bond in order to unlock their suits, which Zordon hopes they achieve by punching hologram Putties…?

ALSO also also, was Rita not imprisoned? Like, in any fashion? Wasn’t there an image released of Rita (in her modern Green not-quite-a-Ranger suit) trapped in crystal or something? Wasn’t she sealed away along with the Power Coins? I thought the Rangers were supposed to free her or something. This leads into another issue…

The Rangers and Rita have nothing to do with each other. What I mean is, the Rangers mess around in the quarry and stumble upon the Power Coins by pure chance. Meanwhile, Rita is accidentally dredged up out of the ocean by some fishermen. The problem is… These are two completely unrelated events. The Rangers aren’t called to the Coins because Rita is nearing. Rita doesn’t wake up because the Power Coins are activated. They are literally just two things that coincidentally happen at the same time. What if the fishermen were fishing in a different area that day and the teens got the Power Coins for no reason? What if the teens decided to not hack into that crystal and pull out the Power Coins, but the fishermen still pulled Rita out of the ocean? These are both legitimately things that could have happened. There’s no predestined “The Coins found you because Rita is coming” or anything. The teens stumble upon the Coins and the fishermen stumble upon Rita.

And finally, the Megazord backhands Rita into outer space (which, I will admit, was hilarious and awesome). But then the Rangers just go about their day. They don’t say anything about her. Zordon and Alpha don’t say anything about her. Do they think she just disintegrated when the Megazord slapped her? They didn’t even recover the Dragon Coin, did they? Do they know where she is? Are they just assuming she’s going to be back at some point? For all they know, she’s somewhere on Earth, alive and active, raising an army of Goldars.

GOLDAR:

I will admit, this entire bit is simply “What I would’ve done instead,” but I feel like this one is worth mentioning.

There is literally no reason for Goldar to be reduced to a voiceless kaiju. They could have told the same story while keeping him much more akin to his television counterpart: Rita creates Goldar much earlier in the film, in the jewelry shop sequence. He’s the one that kills the police officer, not a Putty. Rita: “It’s good to see you again, old friend.” Goldar: “It is an honor to serve you once more, my Empress.” Later, when the Rangers arrive for the final battle, Rita simply makes Goldar grow. He still gets his ass beaten by the Megazord, but instead of dying, he merely shrinks back to human size. When Rita gets smacked into outer space, Goldar panics and follows, flying after her. This keeps Goldar faithful to his character while literally telling the exact same story the movie wanted to tell, and also keeping Goldar (one of the franchise’s main villains) alive for future appearances. They could’ve even used the same “chocolate fountain” design.

THE ZORDS:

But you know, as much as I dislike Rita and Goldar’s redesigns, they at least serve a purpose, story-wise. Rita has the skintight green suit because she used to be the Green Ranger. Goldar is a big messy blob kaiju because Rita hastily creates him out of molten gold. But the Megazord… The Megazord is quite possibly the most ugly, unappealing, least cool/awesome/badass-looking giant robot to ever be conceived in all of cinema history, from either the U.S. or Japan… And there is absolutely no reason for it. The Zords weren’t hastily thrown together by Alpha at the last minute. They weren’t in the middle of altering their appearance into dinosaurs and then got interrupted or lost interest or something. They just look like shit.

As far as the individual Dino Zords go, the Tyrannosaurus doesn’t look too bad. The Triceratops is okay, kind of. I can make out the horns occasionally. The Sabertooth Tiger and the Mastodon are always moving around so quickly that I can never make them out successfully. I can’t even really complain about the Mastodon’s eight spider legs because the damn thing was always jumping around so fast I couldn’t see the legs, I couldn’t see the trunk, I couldn’t see the tusks. For most of the movie it looked like Zack was piloting a big black aspirin. The Pterodactyl was just this big pink… thing in the sky. Did it even have a head?

And I’m sorry, but they’re way too small. Size wise, they’re essentially tanks on legs. They should not be smaller than a noticeable majority of the buildings around them (most of which are of the single story, small town, “mom and pop store” variety) and they should most certainly not be in danger of being overwhelmed by the Putties. Zords are supposed to be gigantic, not “kinda big.”

And then, in the middle of the climactic Zord fight, basically the moment the entire movie has been leading up to, the film suddenly gets massively, inexcusably, infuriatingly lazy. As bad as the Zords look, I was at least looking forward to seeing how they all come together. After all, looking at the Dino Zords, then at the Megazord, I honestly had no idea how they all came together and formed their various Megazord parts. Well, apparently, the filmmakers couldn’t figure it out, either. The Dino Zords fall into a hole, there’s a cloud of smoke and dust, and then the Megazord walks out of the cloud, fully formed. I was absolutely stunned at the complete and utter lack of giving a shit when it came to this sequence. Debatably one of the world’s most iconic combining robots AND IT DOESN’T COMBINE ONSCREEN? Can you imagine if you watched the first Transformers movie and Optimus Prime never transformed?! There’s a single extreme close up of some gears turning or something, but that’s it, and even that is mostly obscured by smoke and fire. Even Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie gave us a Megazord combination sequence and that thing barely had a better budget than an Asylum movie!

Also, this seems to be the first time Rita has ever seen a Megazord. But… it can’t be, right? Surely this can’t be the first time the Megazord has been formed. Surely Rita and Zordon know about Megazords.

“GO GO POWER RANGERS” AND THE SOUNDTRACK:

So, they use “Go Go Power Rangers” in the movie, which is awesome. The same version from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie, even. While it was really cool in a Easter egg sort of way, there are two problems with this.

1) We don’t get anything else. There’s no new “Go Go Power Rangers 2017 Version.” They literally could not bother recording a new version of the franchise’s main theme for their big budget blockbuster feature film adaptation. They literally just used a twenty two year old track for about thirty seconds.

2) Does the movie play “Go Go Power Rangers,” the team’s triumphant, ass-kicking theme song, when the Rangers morph for the first time? When they fight the Putties? When they fight Goldar? When they form the Megazord? When they kill Goldar? When they bitchslap Rita into the stratosphere? No. We get it as the Zords run from Point A to Point B.

Thrilling.

What makes it even worse is that they play a rather awesome sounding orchestral version of the theme during the end credits, after the mid-credit sequence. This rendition would’ve been amazing to hear as the Megazord fights and slays Goldar.

In a slightly unrelated note: Power Rangers, particularly MMPR, is known for having a rockin’, kick ass soundtrack. This movie’s soundtrack is all sad, slow shit. WTF? I’m not saying it should’ve been filled with covers of “I Will Win” and “We Need A Hero,” but SOME rock songs would’ve been nice. Literally every song in the film sounded like its own sad, depressing cover version.

THINGS I DID LIKE:

The cast really does well with their roles. Jason interacting with Billy was done really well, as was Jason and Kimberly’s “Let’s just up and leave this shit hole town” scene.

I don’t know if it was intentional, but when the cow roars at Jason at the start, it’s the same sound effect the TV show used for the Tyrannosaurus Dinozord.

Alpha being Billy’s “training dummy” as he practiced fighting. It was a nice little moment that I could see happening with the original characters.

Trini and Kimberly’s little lunch training session at the diner. I ship it.

Zordon reciting the classic three rules of being Power Rangers to the teens. Honestly, it stuns me that they not only remembered them, but bothered using them.

Rita enjoying a donut as Goldar destroys the city.

The Rangers forming the Megazord for the first time… And then not knowing how to pilot it, so they fall over.

The Megazord bitchslapping Rita into outer space. That was classic stupid goofy MMPR.

THINGS I SHOULD’VE LIKED BUT DIDN’T:

The aforementioned use of “Go Go Power Rangers.” It was nice to hear, but it was way too little and most certainly not the wisest use of the theme if they could apparently only use it once.

“Make my monster grow!” Uhh… he’s already giant when she says that. He’s a permanently giant monster. The line makes no sense. “I’m at the corner of Mariner Bay and Reefside…” Again, I appreciate the Easter egg, but it was just so clunky with its reference-ness. Maybe if it had been said in a news report or something.

The cameos by Amy Jo Johnson and Jason David Frank. Not that they shouldn’t have made cameos, it just felt like it was left over from a different, more fun film. “Hey, look, it’s the original Tommy and Kimberly!” feels severely out of place when shoved into the middle of this grim and gritty teen drama. That’s actually a problem with a lot of the Power Rangers elements in this film - They feel out of place in their own movie.

The mid-credit sequence. Really? They’re planning five sequels to this shit and the best they can do is a green shirt? No hints or tease for Lord Zedd, Master Vile, the Machine Empire, Divatox, Dark Specter, the Dragonzord, the Thunder Zords, the Ninja Zords, Saba, the Alien Rangers, Ninjor, Lt. Stone, nothing? We’re not even really allowed to enjoy the Tommy tease because it’s immediately interrupted by “lol, Billy blew up his locker again.”

OTHER THINGS:

Joseph Kahn, Adi Shankar, and Jil Hardin should look into a plagiarism suit because the opening of this movie is almost verbatim the opening of POWER/RANGERS. It even has the exact same establishing shot of the Red Ranger’s helmet laying on the charred ground, with death and destruction happening in the background.

“Send the meteor to my coordinates!” Wait, what? Zordon and/or Alpha can cast Meteor? What is this meteor? What does it do? It can’t be Zordon’s ship/the Command Center, because he wouldn’t call that “the meteor,” he’d call it “my ship.” Zordon buries the Power Coins on his own, so it doesn’t help with that, either. I guess it just kinda knocks Rita into the sea? And maybe kills the dinosaurs? Good job? I freely admit that this is an oddly specific thing to focus on, but what was up with that slim, “independent film” title, shoved way off into the corner? Where was the big block letter logo with the lightning bolt in the middle, smack dab in the middle of the screen, optionally accompanied by an instrumental “Go Go Power Rangers” riff? The trailers got this right, why change it?

They actually used the idea of the Rangers’ helmets opening up and revealing their faces, a la Iron Man. This was an idea they originally had for Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie back in 1995, but scrapped it because it looked stupid, deciding that their helmets should be, y’know, helmets. I don’t understand why they brought this idea back, as it doesn’t suddenly look better just because it’s 2017. Not to mention it allows the movie to do the “Can’t keep the stars’ faces covered for too long!” thing that always ruins climactic fights in superhero movies. It was so awkward and obvious whenever they’d state the Rangers’ full names. It was like the movie was making a point for everyone in the audience to know what their last names were. This wouldn’t be a problem except the only Ranger they don’t do this with is Trini (who clearly is not a “Kwan”) and it’s really noticeable. “JASON SCOTT!” “KIMBERLY HART!” “BILLY CRANSTON!” “ZACK TAYLOR!” “…and Trini.” The fact that Krispy Kreme was literally a plot point and central location in this film is beyond stupid. It was the level of product placement in a movie you’d expect to see from someone making fun of product placement in movies. Couldn’t the location of the Zeo Crystal have been the Youth Center? The Krispy Kreme could just be a business next door, or Ernie could’ve been doing a little promotional “Come buy Kripsy Kreme fruit smoothie donuts!” It kinda made me regret getting those PR donuts a little bit, truth be told. I thought it was just a fun little promotional thing, I didn’t realize Krispy Kreme had a supporting role in the film.

BOTTOM LINE:

Takes far, far too long for anything Power Rangers-related to happen. Yes, Zordon and Alpha are in the movie a lot, but they alone can’t carry the entire film.

No real sense of fun at any point.

The Power Rangers elements feel out of place in their own film.

The biggest problem with this movie is that the filmmakers had absolutely no sense of proportion, ratio, or balance. The teens and their characterization were great, but they took over the entire movie, while the actual Power Rangers elements were shoved into the corner and all but forgotten about until there was almost no time left to do anything with them. It was 85% teen angst and 15% Power Rangers when it needed to be 60% teen angst, 40% Power Rangers. Or, Heaven forbid, maybe even 50/50. It felt like the filmmakers were all “Shit, there are five more of these things coming. Let’s get all the characterization out of the way now so the sequels can be Power Rangers kung fu fun out the wazoo!” But that’s no way to make a film. What happens if something goes askew and this series goes the way of Divergent? What if the series is suddenly cancelled at some point and they never actually get around to what the hell the entire point of the franchise was? Even the MCU, which has movies planned until roughly 2055, still tells a complete story and gives their titular heroes plenty of time to shine in each individual film. This movie felt like a really good first draft that, while promising, was still in some serious need of going over and editing/rewriting. As it is, it feels like a Power Rangers film that has absolutely no interest in being a Power Rangers film.