#but correct! i dont want top surgery

[ugly-anarchist]

What do you mean when you say your gender was reassigned later in life?

Wtf happened

My intersex variation made everyone around me stop treating me like a girl and I was punished relentlessly by everyone if I tried to be feminine

Only when I started identifying as a guy (which was wrong and didn't make me happy) did I start being treated better. And everyone kept saying shit like "oh yeah we already saw you as a man" essentially.

I was put on testosterone literally a few weeks after "coming out" as a man and even when voicing my discomfort about being on it they attempted to coerce me into staying on it

I did not fit into what they saw as female, so they decided that I had to be male to be "normal"

[vern-a]

Despite becoming mentally healthier i am still so so miserable about being trans. Like no amount of self reflection and behavioural adjustment can replace a transition. Like i am doing so so good with my health but i still want to kill myself the same amount for whole different reasons now. How is a girl supposed to live like this

[daffodi1]

I hate to break it to transmasc tumblr but if you're trans you're gnc. There is no mode of being transgender that makes you gender conforming whatsoever. This ALSO means that you are not exclusively oppressed for any particular presentation. Any backlash you experience for your presentation is literally just transphobia; and nobody is saying it isn't bad. Transphobia is awful enough on its own and encompasses way more than anybody thinks it does. You really don't need to find another label for that oppression.

[pangur-and-grim]

okay one last saw rant, this one contains GROSS BLOODY STUFF so its under a readmore

I dont think mr jig saw has a good understanding of modern medicine. bc in the new film he's like "in front of you is a rusty spoon.......scoop your own brain into a jar, it'll dissolve the enzymes and lower the key.........but don't worry you'll be totally fine I promise, you don't actually need your full brain, there is historical precedence. it'll just rewire, you'll be totally fine, please don't worry"

BUT MR SAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! those cases you speak of! are of people getting brain surgery in a sterilized environment, this guy is self-scooping with something he got off the floor!!! and he's also going from top to bottom like he's hollowing out a pumpkin, like that's definitely not good for him!!! he won't be okay afterward!!!

but also the movie does sorta present mr. saw as being correct in that having your brain scooped out with a rusty spoon is actually fine and not a medical problem, because the guy doesn't really experience any badness while he's scooping, like he's totally fine and normal.

AND THEN!!! AND THEN!!!! he doesn't even melonball out enough brain to fill the jar before the timer gets off, so this elaborate aztec mask with heating strips on the inside closes around his face, and he gets face-cooked to death. which is also like........that's such a complex custom thing to build in a short period of time!! because he made all these traps in 2-3 weeks, canonically. like I don't care if you're a civil engineer, mr. saw, how did you do the metalworking for all this stuff so fast. I don't believe you could have made that aztec-sauna-death-mask, I am sorry.

AND ALSO ALSO the guy put so much of his brain into the jar, he should have gotten the key???? it seems like a very flawed jar. and then mr. saw is like "well, guess he didn't want to live hard enough lmao", like NO!!!! FUCK OFF!!!!! he literally filled the jar and dissolved the enzymes!! god.

sorry I just don't think mr. saw should have done all that. like maybe it was wrong.

[secret-tacos]

i've been seeing a lot of transmasc headcanons in art + fic lately, and that's great! but, as a trans man, i'm noticing that most scenarios involving these characters boils down to 1 of 3 scenarios:

coming out

suffering transphobic abuse

vaginal sex

and i'm not saying these things don't happen, or that there's never a case to be made for them, but i also find it kind of reductive? there's so much more to our experiences.

i want to see ftm characters who cant get or dont want top surgery, or who have bottom surgery. ftm characters training their voices, and learning from their cis friends how to shave and cut their hair and correct their body language. ftm characters who are embarrassed by their childhood pictures and hide them at all costs - or, alternatively, point and laugh at their old selves and go, can you BELIEVE i looked like that? ftm characters still getting a grasp on their own gender identity and presentation, who experience dysphoria and/or euphoria. ftm characters who have an identity beyond being created, being abused, and being fucked.

that's all i'm asking for.

[lakesbian]

this is fully a bad fanfiction vaguepost (pt 2) but: if we’re going to do transmasc alec we have to understand that the other undersiders (presuming all cis) would not be all cutesy and helpful about it. it would be like so

taylor: goes on a liberal mental monologue to herself about supporting transgender people but still resents alec for “wasting” being an objectively beautiful girl while she’s stuck over here looking mid as fuck, doesn’t understand why he’s not on T and working out 24/7 if he wants to be a man

brian: goes “ok that’s chill man” and does use the correct pronouns but unconsciously regards alec as a Different Type Of Guy than him (nothing has changed from canon)

rachel: has 0 idea he’s trans but if she found out she would go “Ok. I dont fucking care.” while having 0 idea what ‘trans’ means

lisa: scheduled his illegal top surgery, was considering giving him a “don’t worry we’re a SUPPORTIVE villain team ♥” spiel when she first met him but realized he would not give a single fuck and hasn’t brought the topic up again since

aisha: briefly nosy about it but he wouldn’t give a single fuck about that either and the friendship would continue as scheduled. their new bit is aisha condescendingly telling brian or taylor entirely fake and made up and insane sounding things about trans people while alec nods sagely in the background and goes “it’s true you know”

[paingoes]

Destroyer - Time Flies

(Masterlist)

hi back again !! i said it wouldnt be long

(Content: suicidal ideation, death mention, alcohol mention)

=======================

Delta’s back was against the wall. He needed it to brace himself, feeling far too dizzy to even sit up on his own. He sipped at the soda can, not thrilled with the flavor. Simon had given it to him by way of apology for having totally ignored him for two weeks. The scientist was sitting down on top of an overturned test dummy. Delta didn’t know why he’d chosen to have this conversation in the gym. The scattered dummies all about the arena looked like dead bodies. But maybe that was just where his mind was.

“He’s alive,” Delta repeated back to Simon slowly, rolling the words over in his mouth without any particular emotion.

“Correct,” Simon nodded, “He’s stabilized. He had the foresight to arrange a bunch of organ donors at Thales, which is good, because he’d probably be dead otherwise. I just wish he had the foresight to wear some damn body armor.”

“Death wish?” Delta hypothesized.

“Don’t say that. It’s not funny.”

Delta hung his head. Simon went on.

“The chancellor went ahead and fired the entire security team. They’re investigating them for conspiracy. And they’ve narrowed down the actual assassin to a list of ten people. I don’t suppose you saw them, right?”

“No, sir,” Delta answered quickly. He had been studying the floor of the stage at the time it happened. Besides, the shock had erased much of his memory.

“Right. Well, I don’t have to tell you it’s bad news. They’re going to find a way to make Nezu responsible, even if he didn’t do it originally. On their end, Paris is too weak not to take advantage of. Civil war is an inevitability. But on the bright side, the assassination attempt has actually done wonders for His Highness’s polling numbers. Funny how that works,” Simon hummed, a wry smile crossing his face.

Delta didn’t understand why Simon was telling him all this. It was a lot more context than he needed for the role he would play in it. He supposed it was a kindness. Of course, Delta was relieved that he would not be passed over to Nezu. In theory, anyway. The actual relief was slow coming; the dread had not left him. He could still feel the blood on his face.

“He’s alive?” Delta repeated incredulously. Simon gave him a sympathetic look, bordering on very condescending.

“Yes. He’s recovering from the surgery, but he should be back in two weeks. You won’t have to worry about another custody dispute.”

Delta nodded, taking another sip of the soda. His head was spinning. He’d been so ready for the change. He’d built himself up to die; he was planning on how he’d slit his own throat when Nezu came to collect him. That bad. Now, that was clearly off the table. His thoughts drifted back to the laptop in his room. A part of him wanted to destroy it right now. He would try to reclaim his innocence and bury any rebellion within his heart. 

Ha. Good joke.

================

Simon locked him back in his room. He guessed this would be the procedure until Paris returned. Not that he minded. He pushed the chair back in front of the door and returned to his computer.

There was the same frenzied white noise he was still getting from the original thread, plus all the spam in his DMs. But one message stood out to him.

sunspot: Hey I wanted to say thank you for the advance warning on Cyannet. It prevented a massacre for us.

Delta read it over and over. His heart hurt.

ndhakdvsnnd: you dont have to thank me

Really, it was the least he could do. Left alone for so long, the guilt had begun to marinate. He used to feel so terrible for going behind Paris’s back, so totally undeserving of the mercy he’d been shown. That had melted down into something else entirely. He had a number now. He’d done it manually and was sure of its accuracy, a standard deviation of <100. It had been 22,534 people just within the confines of his memory. The true count was probably higher; there were dark spots in his life that he knew were also filled with violence. 

So there was no question about it really. He was evil. It was a surprisingly easy thing to accept; it’s not like he ever thought he was good. The realization didn’t drive him any closer to hysterics than anything else in his life ever had. It just existed as a quiet truth in the back of his head. He had done a lot of evil in Empire’s name. The only way he could see to make up for it was to prevent further deaths. Besides, he had come to hate Empire. He was ready for it to be destroyed.

================

Paris peeled the fabric of his shirt back, revealing the thick layers of bandages around his chest. He was leaning back against the headrest, wearing loose, breathable clothing. 

“Lung transplant. They said my heart is bruised.” He said in a hoarse voice. His eyes were totally bloodshot. Delta couldn’t look at him straight on. So much of Paris’s body was swollen or bruised from the surgery. He had been out. If he’d been anyone else, he would have stayed out. Paris was incredibly lucky to be alive. He didn’t seem too thrilled about it.

“Happy?” The prince hissed, his expression turning sour. Delta raised his hands in mock surrender, apparently having stared too hard for his liking. It’s not like Paris was physically in any position to hurt him. He could barely move. Regardless, there was a kind of danger to him now that had not been there before. His eyes were crazed. Delta excused himself. 

“I don’t want you hanging around him right now,” Simon had said to Delta in a hushed voice when he first returned. As if it was something he had any say in. It was all he could offer in terms of a warning. 

Paris was still in treatment for weeks afterward. The recovery had forced him to detox, no doubt contributing to his terrible mood. He was going through alcohol and nicotine withdrawal in addition to the healing process, each facet building off the other to create a kind of endless crisis in his body.

It was the worst Delta had ever felt for another person, though with him that wasn’t saying much. Sympathy was a pretty novel concept to him. Even at the time, he sensed he was misdirecting it. It didn’t change anything. Delta had made up his mind about Empire. Paris wasn’t excluded from that. He wasn’t innocent. But Delta could recognize the ways that Paris had been made victim to his own legacy — and it hurt him deeply to witness.

================

sunspot: Why are you talking like that?

ndhakdvsnnd: like what

sunspot: I don’t know. You just seem kind of down on yourself?

ndhakdvsnnd: why does that matter

sunspot: I thought it might matter to you

ndhakdvsnnd: not really

sunspot: :/

ndhakdvsnnd: what is this i dont have time for this

sunspot: Sorry. Maybe I shouldnt pry so much. i just wanted to know if you were okay!

ndhakdvsnnd: im fine can you stop asking questions about me it makes me uncomfortable 

sunspot: I’ll stop bugging you then. But Im here if you need anything! Like I said we are really grateful for the help so if theres anything we can do please just shout

ndhakdvsnnd: whos we 

ndhakdvsnnd: ?

[thetisming]

god being a trans guy is genuinely so hard. if i want friends, i have to accept that theyre going to misgender me. i can't feel anything because if i'm angry, i'm dangerous. if i identify as non binary, i need to accept that people will pretend i'm NOT transmasc. if i correct people on my pronouns, they 'correct' themself by using they/them. if i want to pass, i cant smile or laugh.

the thought of having long hair can make me cry. the thought of being a girl is the worst thing ever to me. but people see me as a girl. people see me as a girl, even when i introduce myself with he/him. people will think of me as something im not no matter what. and they apologise. and maybe they mean it. but it doesnt matter. it's been too long and now i dont know if i'll ever be able to just be me, because i'm feminine and i love makeup but i want to go on T and i want top surgery and i want to be a boy.

i want to dress how i want and i want people to see me as a boy in a skirt. i want to be able to say it's NOT okay that you keep misgendering me. i want to be able to comfortably exist.

i dont want to be excluded from women and girl's spaces because i dont feel safe around men or boys. i want to be able to exist without throwing away the fact that i was raised as a girl and that i grew up as a girl but i also want people to both understand that and also understand that i'm NOT a girl.

i dont want to be dangerous. i dont want to be a little girl. i want to be me and i dont know if i can ever do that.

[meatsex]

hi im sorry if this is weird to ask and you definately dont have to answer, but how did you start transitioning? im sure its different outside the us, but i guess i mean like more how did you get the "courage" to ig? im just now in my early 20s and i want to start before its "too late", but im just worried abt so much shit surrouding it (family, my job, school, etc) and it stops me everytime i get close to trying to

im sorry, idk i just remeber seein your top surgery pics a while back and thought abt asking for a bit cause im kinda alone in this. its okay if you dont respond, ik this might be like a hard subject

hello, this isnt a weird question at all, especially if you find yourself in a situation where you feel alone about this matter.

before i begin, obviously none of the things i say are a guide or should be taken as exact reference, they are just my experience, precautions i took and things i realized/explored; this will also be LONG

i began transitioning around 2016 (i was 19-20 iirc), this is when i began to reconsider my gender and how i saw myself, i wasnt sure about my stance on myself so i used the label genderfluid as that was what felt right atm, i wasnt sure if i really wanted to be a guy or just felt like it every so often; back then i only confided this information to my then boyfriend

i began using a different name online, tried different clothing and also got my hair cut way short for the first time, basically tried and experienced, i was also used to crossplaying often (cosplaying male characters)

in 2018 i was fully set with the idea i wanted to be a man, id fully take on the role of one online and i had already told other friends i trusted about this

i stopped using the label of genderfluid by this time as well, i also tried binding a bit but it was complicated for me so it wasnt long lived but definitely helped in settling the idea of what i wanted

in 2020-2021 i came out to my parents, i tested the waters *a lot* first, i brought up topics like having transgender friends or similar too see how they would react, luckily they both did positively. after this i felt confident in telling everyone else irl

in 2022 i got my legal name change (the process in Argentina is basically a re-enacment of your birth certification with your preferred name and gender, i dont know if this is different or the same elsewhere), and in 2023 i got top surgery, the overall healing process was around 6 months, i did require aid for things like getting up from bed and eating

i was freshly 26 for my surgery by 2023, what im trying to say is for some people its something that could take a lot of time while others might find instantly this is their correct way to feel and be, but its also never too late or never too early and its also okay to change your mind and go back on how you felt, utimately its your decision to take

truthfully you will have to think and consider hard in which areas and with which people you feel safe sharing your gender, some people might not be open to the idea and depending on the circumstances it might not be worth the risk (like at a job or school) unless you have a backup plan to fall onto if it comes to a worst case scenario; i hid these things from my family for a lot of time (especially my internet-disconnected, right-leaning dad)

i think "closet" transitioning or just taking small steps that can be subtle to others is a good idea if you are still unsure about your situation and/or environment, in the sense of exploring ideas, terms, feelings, and with things like trying on different clothes or changing the way you present yourself in a smaller scale (like friends you trust or online presence)

i think its also important i was an adult by this time, therefore (as stupid as this sounds because it is) i had more credibility in the eyes of others to my emotions and how i felt, but this is something that depends and varies with the environment you are in and the people that surround you

ultimately it truly never is late or early, its okay if you try it and change your mind, no one is going to punish you for it and no one is entitled to how you feel about yourself other than you; i hope this helped in any way and if not feel free to ask again about more specific ideas or topics regarding this

[triptychofvoids]

doc, is it trans to want top surgery (ftm) when you get older? /gen im struggling with myself rn

im afraid that is a question youll have to answer for yourself, my friend! there are a lot of trans men that want/get top surgery, but not all trans men want/are able to get top surgery, and that doesnt make them any more or less trans. and while im on the topic, you dont have to be a trans man to want top surgery either. the point is, if youre trans, how you decide to deal with that is completely up to you! there is no correct way to be trans. and even if you arent, it doesnt matter! theres no correct way to be you. do your research, experiment with what you like, and do what you think will make you happy and be the best for you. if that means top surgery then thats great! if not, thats fine too! in the end only you can decide who you are and what you want, and i think thats wonderful.

[your-queer-dad]

Hi finch! It's the person talking about binders a lot again. I just need other people to bounce thoughts off of bc I don't know anyone else irl who's trans/transmasc.

For context, I'm afab but not a woman and also not a man. I used to be a girl bc i was raised that way and didn't know there were other options but i haven't grown into a woman. I dont want to grow into a woman. I'm pretty sure I'm agender? At least that sounds more correct than the other labels I've gone by (girl, demigirl, nonbinary). I guess I experience gender similarly to sexual attraction (aka I'm very confused and don't understand how other people know what their gender is or how they experience gender).

That's not the point of this though, it's (once again) the topic of top surgery. I feel like I'd be fine without getting it... like if I'm by myself my chest doesn't bother me. It's there and I don't hate it. I dont think I experience dysphoria, especially not the way other people do. But if I'm out in public I know that other people will notice my chest and read me as a woman and treat me accordingly as a result. THATS what bothers me, I think. I haven't gone swimming in a few years because of it and i kinda miss doing that... But I think if it wasn't seen as a woman thing/a widely sexualized part of the body I'd be fine just keeping my chest. But on the other hand I'm worried about opting to remove it. What if I regret that choice? What if I hate how I look after? I mean, once I have the surgery that's it, that's my body. And I guess I could keep a small bit of breast tissue but that's not the point lol

There's also the other side of the coin. I just looked in the mirror earlier and for a second my brain didn't register my chest and that felt so correct. It felt so right. But I'm still worried about making a decision because it'd be so much easier to just let my chest be the way it is because it doesn't bother me THAT much. And I wonder if a reduction would feel better but my chest is already on the small side (cant tell you the size bc i never bought real bras lol I've only ever worn sports bras) and I don't know if it would help me. Like what if I regret the reduction? Or on the flip side, what if I do it and it's not enough? I don't want to have to go under twice.

Idk, I've just been thinking about this for a few months now and I'm being indecisive about it. The decision will probably be influenced by how easily I could get the surgery (bc from what I've read you need a letter from a therapist and all that stuff here and also the insurances like to pretend that nonbinary people/people who wanto to do something other than the "normal/full transition" dont exist) and if I think it's worth the stress of having to explain those feelings that I dont even quite understand myself yet. I mean, having a surgery (or potentially going on hrt but somehow that is even more daunting than surgery to me) would make me visibly trans and I don't think my country is doing too well in regards to queer safety yet. I don't know if I want to be visibly trans but I know that I dont want to basically "fully transition" and be read as a man. That'd be too far in the other direction. Ideally I just want to confuse people but that sounds like an unsafe situation to be in, especially in my current almost fully cishet social circle...

Man, I wish Shape-shifting powers were real so I could just test things impermanently before actually going through with permanent changes. That'd make this whole thing so much easier.

Idk, I just wanted to be able to tell another trans person about this and maybe get some advice or something. Im so sorry about how long this got. Thank you for reading it! I appreciate your account a lot, it's nice to just read everyone's experiences. Thank you for running the account and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.

Everyone, go hydrate! /nf

- 🌌🌃

Hey kiddo!! I completely understand those worries and my best advice is: if you have any doubts, don't do it. Top surgery is irreversible and it isn't worth it. Wait until you're 1000% sure. I completely understand that's hard and other people's assumptions is so annoying. I wish shape shifting skills were real too!!! That would be so handy.

- dad x

[huecycles]

oh hey :) thanks for the kind comments and tags left under the last post!

it's so wild how body hair in art & media in general is seen as something "disgusting" or "weird", at first i thought that maybe the way i drew it made it look confusing but no way in hell you couldn't zoom in or just... think logically to know that is natural hair? some people are hairy like that! the way i draw it is more fluffy yes because i love floof and i dont give a shit tbh lol

i knew about the "issue" of jevil being fat so the body hair one threw me for a loop like wow. idk why jevil specifically gets this type of treatment, maybe other fat characters in utdr do too but i always see toriel, asgore, alphys, lancer, king, catti, sans who is a skeleton (and i really can't see him any other way, the fandom is doing a great job in keeping him chubby-like i love that) drawn with mostly correct proportions to in game/official art, yet jevil seems to get this mixed reaction. idk why i still see skinny jevil, or why some people insist his clown clothes are just "baggy". the jester is circular, look at his torso please for the love of god. sorry but i just want more fat rep as a fat person myself. i want jevil to remain short (his sprite is shorter than kris and slightly taller than spamton) and fat like he is in game!

drawing him helped me understand a lot about plus size anatomy, and honestly i couldn't be more happy about that because i'm also dealing a lot better with my body image issues and finally bringing more diversity to my art. him being hairy too is yet another thing that makes me happy as someone with pcos, and portraying him as a fat, hairy trans man as someone who is nonbinary and for months has been wanting to experiment with different pronouns/wondering how it would be like to transition is something really special. it's messy and silly but spamton and jevil are the ultimate comfort characters/ship to me, their stories and how they were written speak volumes and resonate with me a lot + headcanoning them as t4t has been beyond freeing and making me get a lot of gender euphoria/dysphoria/envy all at the same time lmfao what the fuck.

i'm honestly glad for these characters because they're what helped me articulate my recent feelings about my gender to my mother, who has grown a lot and is making an effort to understand all of this. the reaction i sometimes get from people who talk to me, come into my inbox or just pour their feelings out in the tags about how they love my portrayal of spamton and jevil's gender identity + their relationship and how important it is to them is so so cool. yeah :)

speaking of chest hair, here's how spamton looks without the shirt. the left side of his chest has a panel for his heart (a smaller version of neo's) and of course top surgery scars, a different type. he's also hairy! not that much since he's a puppet but he still has the addison floof, it's cute

[luffythinker]

What do you think Shigaraki's favorite things are? Like I know he says he hates everything but what kinds of foods and things do you think he likes?

I think he likes Gamer food and all that but I want a deeper dive then that. Like do you think he likes candy? Sour or sweet? What's his favorite soda? I know he drinks it straight from one of those big bottles and can never finish it. XD do you think he likes greasy food? Or does it hurt his stomach? What foods just dont agree with him? What he allergic to? Peanuts cause that's so basic but also a common food that everyone is probably surprised he cant eat and now that he mentioned it they never can remember him eatting whatever it is.

I think Shig is a briefs wearer, nothing else no undershirt but Dabu wears undershirts and so does Twice. Unfortunately Himiko wasn't raided correct enough to feel comfortable wearing stuff like that but she likes the look of pretty bras and panties but cant bring herself to wear them, she just wears a sports bra and boxers she wishes she could wear them tho.

Dabi and Twice are the only ones who'll sit around shirtless, moreso Dabi then Twice, Dabi sags, Shigaraki's trans ass admires their gender so hard, at first couldnt bring himself to be shirtless around them but when he got comfortable on a bit day he just fuck it, took his shirt off.

Whether or not he had top surgery at the time meant nothing cause the league accepts him for who he is but I would like to say he has had it.

Himiko thinks Shigs top scars are cool

I think Dabi would be that meme where a person is like "would you date a trans women" and the other person is like "is she thick?" And the first person is like "but she was a man before." And they are like "that doesn't matter shes a women now, is she thick?" Have you seen that one before? Dabi is very bisexual he does not care his priorities are the only thing that's straight

I wanna get to know these people on a personal (spiritual) level

I think you already did the deep dive you were looking for kjdfjkdfjkdf better than i ever could tbh

I can't really think of his favorite things like this off the top of my head, but going of what you pointed here, let's try to think something. So about food first: thinking a favorite food for him is hard because of his upbringing and then poverty, but i like to think he would like sweet things (not extremely sweet, but yk), so maybe a cake? something that still is a good memory from his childhood. He likes candy, especially strawberry flavored ones, but that sounds lame so he lies and says he prefers sour stuff. I would just go with cola for him, cause yk he's a gamer and lowkey unhealthy, so a lot of ramen and cola when he pulls all night to play LOL. Not all greasy food, but mostly fries, he loves those, he would eat a bucket everyday if he could. For some reason my first thought for foods he doesn't like was seafood but he's japanese so that would limit his choices a lotkjkjdf but maybe he doesn't like extremely spicy stuff, it upsets his stomach. As for allergies, I'm gonna project here and say he has a corn allergy (idk how common corn is in japan, but where i live it's really everyday food so i have a lot of trouble with this).

And for the rest, i really don't have many additional thoughts on it, i can totally see the things you said here, especially with being shirtless around the league, i think he would be less shy bc of breast/chest and more bc he thinks he doesn't have a good fit body, but well dabi is half burned so he assumes nobody really cares about this

[mueritos]

Tiktok is actually brain rotting people for real. THE AMOUNT OF TIKTOKS OF PEOPLE BEING LIKE”I want to be a boy and dress like a boy and be perceived as a boy and grow old like a boy but not in a icky transgender way<3!” It is actually killing me. Like not only are young queer youth not researching hrt and top surgery effects and such but they are developing internal transphobic brain rot! THIS IS ALMOST AS BAD AS K*LVIN YOUTUBE ERA LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!

It is part of the reason why I deleted tiktok, and I dont regret it. The culture on there is fucking awful, especially to younger queer people. I do believe the ignorance and the inability to do research yourself (or even have critical analysis) is derived from the instant gratification from TikTok, and the extreme lack of nuance. 3 mins, 2 mins, 60 seconds are NOT enough to talk about extremely detailed parts of culture, ideology, race, history, ethnicity, etc. Does it help diversify the voices you hear? Yes! But does this mean information might be correct, the spaces are nurturing, or the people within those spaces are there to also learn? Do those creators have to spend more time doing damage control from people misconstruing those words?

Not to mention the gross and awful ways these young people are interacting with queerness and queer communities. They genuinely do not have any spaces IRL, and this is not their fault, but staying online is fucking detrimental. These people are just inhaling the brain dead homophobic christian purity ideals that were historically our killer as if it is their identity or their base for queerness. it is not good....

[smiggles]

My little pony is the sanity check. However, as someone who suffers from it, I was wondering if you suffer from some form of dysphoria.

If you don't want to talk about it, you can avoid answering

I dont mind answering

Hmmm. My dysphoria journey was an interesting one. I actually didn't feel much of any (or so i thought) for years. I liked my boobs. My long thick hair. I liked being a woman.

But I knew it wasn't quite right. Cutting off my hair was the first step and so euphoric. Then starting a low dose of hormones and seeing some changes. I needed more. It felt correct. I felt happy. Happier than I ever had.

Top surgery nearly made me cry it was the best thing I ever experienced. Id do it again if I had to. Every change my body went through began to put pieces into my puzzle that I didnt realize was missing.

The only time I felt (or feel) dysphoric is when someone saw me as a woman. When I was misgendered. When I was made to feel a burden for transitioning. Dead named. Received gifts I knew were meant for a girl doesn't exist anymore. Earrings. Skirts. Et cetera.

My actions made me feel alive and free and correct. The way the world treated me for it made me feel ill.

[againstme]

idk man like i’ve done the t thing i’ve done the top surgery thing i ‘pass as male’ i have facial hair i have a deeper voice but like i am still non-binary. i don’t fit into either box, but i’d prefer to be seen as a “man” than a woman at all. at least looking the way that i do now completely eliminates the possibility of someone referring to me as a woman. and that’s really what mattered to me the most.

gender is so complex and i find that when people say “women and non-binary people” or “afab enbies” they’re never picturing someone who looks like me. yknow? especially while being black and that as a whole thing making me be seen as more masculine in general. pre-t i was always seen as butch, i was always seen as a lesbian no matter what i did and no matter if i had long braids to my butt or whatever.

i find comfortability in masculinity, but not male-ness. and that’s a hard thing for a lot of people to wrap their heads around, for whatever reason.

i’ll say i’m a man for ease of people understanding how to respect me, like doctors, teachers, staff at this center, because they don’t really know me. and i want to make sure i’m not at all being seen as a woman. so i’ll not correct people on using he/him or whatever, even though i really want to because i know they’re seeing me as a cis man. and that makes me very uncomfortable.

it’s so complex. i use the term queer because i dont want people to immediately think of what’s in my pants if i say i’m a gay man or if i say i’m a lesbian (i don’t identify as a lesbian btw). but like if you know me the truth is that i’m just t4t and connected more to just general faggotry than anything. and again, a lot of people have a hard time wrapping their heads around that too. so i just say what’s easier for them to understand.

like to my family, i’m a trans man and i use he/him. i don’t want to explain shit to them because they’re barely on board with me being trans anyways and i don’t want to have that be a whole thing. idk if any of this makes any sense. if people have input feel free to reply as well, i’d love to have a convo or solidarity with someone who potentially feels a similar way because i feel like i’m in such a limbo state for some reason idk