#but buffy was happy and she was done!

[raisedbythetv89]

“bUfFy sHoUlD hAvE eNdEd aT sEaSoN 5” I will crawl through my phone and come out yours “the ring” style

You hate spuffy? Your business. You hate Tara’s death and everything Willow did to Tara? VALID. You wish seeing red didn’t exist? Literally so do all of us. Hating certain plot points is one thing but YOU WANT BUFFY DEAD????? You want the suicidal girl who has been sacrificing everything for EVERYONE else since she was 15 years old when she was offered up to angel as a reward for trying to do some good in his pathetic life and called to fight evil ALONE to kill herself at 20? Literally welcoming her death with open arms she is so ready to be done with life and this fight (yes I know it was to save Dawn and the world but neither of those negate the fact that they established she has a death wish and that one day she just wouldn’t want to fight anymore bc her life is just that hard - that is the textbook definition of being suicidal)

THAT IS HOW YOU WANT IT TO END?????

Seriously take 80 steps back from me expeditiously. That ending reaffirms the idea that women should just give and give and give until it kills them. That the only good victims are dead ones. Oh season 6 is sad and uncomfortable and you miss the vibes of the previous seasons? Guess what every single person who has been traumatized wishes to be the person they were before that they can never get back to. Buffy season 6 and 7 is one of the most important representations of what healing looks like after severe trauma and chronic abuse. It’s an obscenely important story to exist. It tells victims of trauma and people who suffer from depression there is a way THROUGH you CAN recover you won’t be the same but you’ll be even better if you learn to love yourself. Because of seasons 6&7 Buffy gets to reach actual adulthood empowered and supported in a way she never has been before and escaping the town that had become her personal hell

This is not some sort of evolved, media literate take that so many like to present it as. Buffy ending at s5 would just reaffirm so many problematic and harmful narratives around mental health, healing, and what is possible for women and people with childhood trauma.

S7 & the comic s12 ending tell us that it DOES get better and that death is not the way out and fighting for your future even if you can’t picture is will be worth it 🖤

[smallblueandloud]

WE HAVE REACHED THE FAITH INTRODUCTION. CAN I GET A HELL YEAH.

my first reaction to meeting her was just: she's so… teenaged. i am so surprised and charmed by how gangly and loudspoken and immature she is. i think i expected them to try to make her ~sexy~ but she's really more of a tomboy than a femme fatale. and i love that so much.

[fxlling-slxwly]

I’m watching Buffy for the first time and I’ve just finished 7x19 and I have some thoughts because people are pissing me off.

1) giles in s7 is really pissing me off. he’s back to treating buffy like a child and he’s acting as though she hasn’t been forced to grow up since he’s been away and that’s not fair. like i’m sorry? giles fucks off when buffy needs him most and then he has the audacity to come back and be surprised when she’s making the harshest decisions because she HAS TO, and he’s surprised and pissed that she’s not doing as he tells her when he literally made it that way? he CHOSE to leave her when she was vulnerable. I adored the Giles & Buddy relationship they had earlier in the show, but s7 has really ruined it for me.

2) i adore faith and i’m all for her proving herself BUT it’s ironic that they’re ignoring the slayer who has fought off SEVERAL apocalypses and has lead people doing so in order to follow the slayer who helped CAUSE one (and she doesn’t even want to lead!!!) Buffy has given her entire fucking life to this shit and people say she's not fit because she isn’t ‘letting loose’ and babying / being nice to the potentials?

3. everyone’s always told buffy she needs to be ‘harder’ and more ready for loss, but the minute she’s like ‘yeah sacrifices need to be made but we need to act because the first is ALWAYS one step ahead of us no matter what we do’, suddenly people can’t handle that and they turn against her?

4. everyone being like ‘yo, spike needs to die’ when he is literally one of the best fighters she has AND (SA aside) he was there for her when literally no one else was?? he was the ONLY one who wasn’t selfish about the whole thing when she came back to life.

5. anya being like ‘you weren’t elected leader, you didn’t earn it. you got lucky’ as if buffy isn’t beaten down by life every single day and longed for having a normal life ??? she didn’t choose this, but she has proven time and time again that she IS skilled and she IS a great leader. she has died TWICE and up until this season, has still managed to be bright and peppy and look on the bright side of things. she literally can’t anymore because she has been forced into this role

anyway, i have three episodes left and i’m really hoping someone actually just gives buffy a hug because holy shit she deserves it

[readsaboutreid]

Periods Suck | S.R.

this is inspired by lenaleechi on instagram's comic about hating periods as well as the gif above because it gives me mad baby fever so i guess this is season 4 softdom!spencer x gn!afab!bau!reader plus a blink and you'll miss it buffy the vampire slayer reference

content warning: breeding kink and period sex [i'm too stoned to think of any others but if you think of them please add them (kindly) in the replies and i'll add them in later :)]

this is smut, minors dni pls and thank you

"...fuck this, fuck everything and everyone, I am done, I quit," I ramble as I open the door to my apartment and kick off my dress shoes that were painfully squeezing my toes, just adding to my frustration. This case had been particularly mild compared to others but I couldn't help but be in a mood due to the littlest things done by the (admittedly innocent) local police officers. I was so relieved to finally go home and get to sleep in my own bed and curl up with a heating pad and my boyfriend with a Doctor Who marathon.

"Deep breaths, (y/n)," I hear from behind me in a soft, soothing tone as gentle hands come down to rub my shoulders from behind. I know he’s well aware what’s causing me to be in such a shitty mood. His pattern recognition skills are off the chart and while he never outright said anything to me about it he'd always be prepared with hot water bottles and chocolate when this time of the month rolled around. I turn around and bury my face into his chest with a sigh.

"I hate periods, Spencer. They suck," I whine with a sigh, my voice muffled by the knit fabric of his cardigan.

"I know, love," he sighs above me, resting his cheek on my forehead and wrapping his arms around me, "I'm sorry there's not more I could do to help."

"You're helping already," I sigh again, but this time out of contentment as we sway side to side in the entry way. "I wish there was a way I could just, like, stop having them," I mutter, my face returning to the soft fibers that I had come to find so comforting over the years.

Spencer's voice is muffled against my hair as he mutters, "That may be something I can assist you with." I don't even need to see his face to imagine the grin spread across it. Lately, he had been subtly expressing his desire for children, but after JJ gave birth to Henry, his hints have become more pressing. And technically, it was all because of me.

The night was a blur of celebration and drinks, as Emily and Garcia joined me in raising our glasses to toast the occasion. But as we were caught up in the joy of the moment, I couldn't help but let slip that after seeing the pure happiness on Spencer's face at the sight of his godchild a spark ignited within me, igniting a fierce case of baby fever that threatened to consume me entirely. Garcia, the horrible traitor that she is, had messaged a video of my confession to Spencer before I had even finished talking and before I knew it, my phone was buzzing with pictures from Spencer himself - tiny onesies and miniature sneakers - accompanied by words like, ‘just imagine a little genius of our own running around our home in this.’

Without changing his stance, he starts off on one of his typical Spencer Reid rants. "Did you know that scientific research has indicated that orgasms can alleviate menstrual cramps? It's due to the release of endorphins and muscular contractions which help relax the uterine lining," he explains with a slight hint of arousal in his tone, "not only does it address your discomfort, but it also takes care of your other request at the same time."

"We could start trying now, if you want," he suggests with a playful tone, though the subtle hint of desire in his voice sends a jolt of anticipation down my spine and settles between my thighs, igniting a fervent ache. Oh. Oh.

I finally turn my head to meet his gaze, and I am met with intense desire radiating from his eyes. His pupils are dilated, and he licks his lips before gently tracing a finger along my cheek and following up with a soft, "what do you think?"

I interrupt him by pulling his face towards mine, and our lips meet in a soft kiss. Suddenly, I'm pushed against the wall with the command to "jump," and my legs automatically wrap around Spencer as he lifts me up by my ass. Our lips met in a hungry yet tender kiss.

Our breaths come in ragged gasps as he pulls away to meet my gaze, his eyes searching mine for confirmation. I eagerly nod, my heart racing and anticipation building. Our lips collide once more, the heat between us intensifying as we lose ourselves in each other's embrace. The world fades into the background as our bodies meld together, consumed by desire. He sets me down and guides me to our bedroom by the hand, giggling slightly with excitement. I know he wants kids and we have discussed having them together in the future but the giddiness of the grown ass man in front of me ends up drawing a giggle from my own throat as well.

As we enter the bedroom, he stoops down to give me a quick kiss before heading to the bathroom. He grabs an old black towel I use for dyeing my hair and returns, laying it down on the bed and patting it lightly. He sends me sweet smile full of adoration as he whispers, "after you, my love."

I stumble towards the light switch and turn it off before making my way over to the bed. I take off my top and lay down, the darkness giving me a sense of privacy. Suddenly, I hear a soft sound from Spencer as he walks away. The lights flick back on, and he quickly closes the distance between us with just two steps. Before I can even cover myself up in the glare of the harsh light, he's already crawling on top of me.

"You're so gorgeous," he beams at me again before leaning in to kiss me gently, lowering his hips to rest between my legs as they wrap back around his hips instinctively as he begin peppering kisses all over my face and drawing endless laughs from my mouth, "I'm," kiss, "so," kiss, "lucky," kiss, "to," kiss, "have," kiss, "you."

He moves back, his lips leaving a trail of fire as they kiss and caress my skin. My jaw trembles under the soft brush of his lips, before he slowly trails kisses down to my throat. I can't help but let out a moan as his lips touch the sensitive skin there. His body presses against mine, the unmistakable hardness of his arousal pressing against my hypersensitive center. Every move, every touch, sends electric shivers through my body, igniting a primal desire within me.

My body aches with desire as I struggle to catch my breath. "Please remove your clothing now," I manage to say between deep, passionate kisses. Spencer eagerly strips down and helps me out of my own clothes before settling back between my legs. His arousal presses against the wetness between my thighs, adding to the intense heat building inside me.

"I've been craving this all week, sweetness," he mutters against my neck as he sucks feverishly at the skin, leaving love bites in his wake. "Craving you and your beautiful body." I have no idea how he managed to get me from wildly upset to wildly horny in such a short time, but instead of questioning it, I just let out a moan as I grind my hips against him, begging for his cock to enter me. He continues to tease me by rubbing the tip against my wet slit.

“P-please, Spence,” I whimper, unable to form a coherent sentence through the haze of lust I had become quickly lost within.

Spencer's eyes flicker with desire as he holds himself over me, his hands fisting the sheets on either side of my head. "Say it again," he growls, rubbing his erection against my aching center.

"P-please," I beg, my voice shaking with need.

He chuckles darkly, the sound sending shivers down my spine.

"As you wish," he murmurs before slowly sliding inside me. I gasp at the intense pleasure that washes over me, causing my body to arch off the bed and my nails to dig into his back. He begins to move in slow, deep thrusts, filling me completely and igniting a fire within me that threatens to consume every inch of my being.

As our bodies meld together in a blazing inferno, time itself seems to cease to exist. Every touch of Spencer's fingers sends shivers of ecstasy coursing through me, while each caress of his lips against mine ignites a fire within. Our movements are fluid and perfect, each one bringing us closer to the pinnacle of pleasure. I am consumed by an overwhelming sensation, my senses heightened to their limits as our passion reaches an almost unbearable intensity. It feels as though this moment could stretch on for eternity, and I never want it to end. In this single moment, there is nothing else but the all-consuming desire between us, and I give myself completely to it.

My heart pounds against my ribs as Spencer's gaze locks onto mine, his eyes filled with the same ferocity and desire that burns within me. He gives me a wicked grin, and I can feel my resolve crumble as the insatiable hunger consumes me. "You want to have my baby?" he gasps, and all I can respond with is a loud, whorish moan, entirely unable to form any words as his hips start to move ever so slightly faster.

He surges forward, his body fusing with mine in a wild, primal dance. Our movements become more frenzied, our bodies slamming together with the force of a thousand thunderstorms. My breath comes in short gasps as Spencer's relentless thrusts coax an orgasm out of me. My muscles tense, my hips bucking against him, seeking the sweet release from the intense pleasure building up inside of me.

Every thrust, every touch, every whispered word sends me higher and higher, my body arching and bucking beneath him in a frenzy of ecstasy.

Spencer's eyes are locked onto mine as he continues to drive into me, his gaze burning with an intensity that matches the fire inside us both. His hands grip my hips tightly, never losing rhythm as he thrusts into me and coaxes that sweet release from me. My body trembles and shakes with each surge, and I can feel the orgasm building, growing stronger and more intense with each passing second.

A low, guttural moan escapes from Spencer's lips as he picks up the pace, his movements becoming harder and faster. I can feel him growing more desperate, and I know that he's close to his own release.

The pleasurable ache between my legs intensifies, and I know that I'm about to reach that peak. I let out a helpless whimper as the pleasure was threatening to overtake me, and I feel as though I'm being pulled into a vortex of ecstasy. Time seems to stand still, and I'm lost in the moment, our bodies moving together in perfect harmony.

The bed creaks and groans with our passionate lovemaking, the sound echoing in my ears as I reach for the pinnacle of pleasure. Spencer's eyes are locked onto mine, and I see the same intensity in them that I feel in my own being. We're one, united in our desire for each other, and nothing else matters in this world.

His thrusts become harder and faster, the tip of his erection brushing against the most sensitive part of me with every stroke. The pleasure is overwhelming, and I can feel the orgasm building within me, growing stronger with each passing second. I cling to Spencer, my nails digging into his back as I beg him to take me over the edge.

“Gonna fill you up,(Y/N),” Spencer moans, “everyone will know who you belong to once you’re — oh fuck — carrying my fucking baby inside you.” His words send me falling over the edge and I can feel myself slipping away, my mind consumed by the intense pleasure reaching it's peak as my hips buck wildly.

Time seems to stand still as we reach the pinnacle of pleasure together. Our bodies move in perfect sync, every thrust, every caress, every whispered word fueling the fire that burns within us. The pleasure is all-consuming, coursing through my veins and reaching every cell in my body. I let out a series of orgasmic moans bordering on screams and Spencer smiles down at me wickedly, his eyes never leaving mine as his thrusts become harder and more disjointed as his own orgasm looms on the horizon. His moans grow louder and louder as the feeling of slight overstimulation makes me clench even tighter around his throbbing cock as he reaches his breaking point.

"Please, Spencer," I whisper, "make me yours, sir. P-please, please put a baby in me!"

Finally, with one last deep thrust, Spencer moans loudly and shudders above me, his body rigid as he loses himself in the pleasure of a release he had been building up to for what felt like an eternity. As Spencer's body shudders above mine, I can feel the warmth of his release filling me up, an earth-shattering feeling that takes my breath away. We lay there for a moment, our bodies still joined together, basking in the afterglow of our passion. Finally, with a contented sigh, Spencer pulls out of me and collapses onto the bed beside me.

I snap back to reality, my mind reeling from the intensity of our lovemaking. I can feel the stickiness between my legs, a reminder of the incredible moment we just shared. The room is still, the only sounds being our heavy breathing and the rhythmic beating of our hearts. I reach over to grab the bedside table, searching for a tissue to clean myself up.

"Spencer?" I say softly, my voice barely a whisper.

"Yeah, sweetheart?" he replies, still out of breath.

I flash him a saucy grin, "I think we'll have to make sure we keep trying this before my next period so I won't have to suffer through another one, for a while." I joked, while playfully poking his chest.

He chuckled softly, brushing a lock of hair behind my ear, "I think that's a great idea, my love." I couldn't help but giggle at his response, feeling a burst of warmth spread through my body.

[duckwnoeyes]

I will never shut up about Willow bringing Buffy back to life. It’s such a thoughtless, selfish action and simultaneously done entirely out of love. It’s the worst thing anyone ever does to Buffy, and yet Willow does it because she loves her best friend so much. It’s devotion, and it’s terrible, and neither of them are happy, and it’s all out of love!!! I am never going to be normal about these two!!!

[mybloodyvampire]

Not sure if it's intentional acting-wise but when Dawn tells Buffy that Spike's in love with her, she acts shocked like it's Brand New Info but it's very well done because it seems fake/like she's pretending. Same later when Buff's moping about it to Xander. Reads like overcompensating, and she's so nervous to even tell him because it makes the thing more real the more you say it out loud. Harder to keep a lid on the denial etc.

Usually when there's sparks between you and someone else there's a moment where the ambiguity is eliminated and it's like 'so I wasn't imagining that, they feel it too' (happy, excited). Buffy is experiencing this, except it's 'so I wasn't imagining that, they feel it too' (despair, panic)

[alwaysakin]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fanfic Rec

Guys I have so much useless fanfic knowledge -- one of my friends asked me for a list of Buffy fics and this happened.

Non-Buffy Centric, One-Shot Fics

Potential Friend by srmcd1 - a cute little ficlet that looks at what might have happened if Jesse lived.

Age Difference by Amina - for all the Oz fans out there! A time-travelling Oz gives Buffy a new perspective on life and relationships. Slightly Angel-bashing.

All that I wanted was just to be haunted by you by chasingfictions - After the events of "The Body," Jenny's ghost bullies Giles into moving in with the Summers girls. This one made me BAWL.

Appropriate conduct by The_Eclectic_Bookworm - an increasingly angry series of memos between Principal Synder & Jenny, Giles, and the other teachers of Sunnydale High. Absolutely hilarious.

i belong to time, you belong to me by chasingfictions - Dru knows when she meets Spike, that he will fall in love with a slayer. She forgets, until she doesn't. Beautiful, poetic, and very Dru.

One Girl in All the World by zedpm - a trans!Buffy AU, where she was born in a boy's body and is still the slayer. A beautifully done AU, with Oz and (surprisingly! Riley) as particular standouts. Minor Spike/Buffy.

The Holy Grail of Buffy Fics: Long, With a Focus on an Ensemble Cast. Absolute Masterpieces.

hit rewind by untiljanuary - Hands down, the best Buffy fic I've ever read. Buffy (from some time in season 6, but unclear when), is sent back in time to season 3. What makes it so interesting is that it's from everyone else's perspective! The author writes Cordelia, Willow, Faith, Angel and Spike in particular so well. Lots of interesting character work, though the plot hasn't deviated too much from canon so far.

Ships: Buffy/Spike, Angel/Cordelia, Willow/Tara, Anya/Xander. The Buffy/Angel ends on mutual terms.

two roads diverged (and that has made all the difference) by RoseyPoseyPie - a Buffy season 5/Angel season 2 crossover. Hoping to escape Glory, the Scoobies end up in Pylea with the Fang Gang. This fic is absolutely hilarious (the scene where everyone gets high and drunk together is a notable standout). The author writes Anya, Lorne and Cordelia in particular super well. Dawn and Angel's dynamic is also amazing.

Ships: Buffy/Spike, Angel/Cordelia, Anya/Xander, Willow/Tara.

don't know how to stick around, but I wanna by chasingfictions - a series in an alternate universe where Faith, instead of going to prison, joins Angel Investigations. Very Fang Gang centric, but really builds up their family bond. Darla, Faith, and Wesley were stand outs to me in this.

Ships: eventual Faith/Buffy, and minor canon pairings. Faith briefly pursues other girls, including Darla.

Best Spuffy Centric Fic

wouldn't it be nice? by SummerFrost - an alternative universe, where the will-be-done spell in season 4 goes a little differently, and Spike and Buffy start a slow crawl towards friendship that becomes... something. So soft and sweet. Has two sequels, and the season 6 one in particular is WONDERFUL.

Every Letter That You Write Me by othellia - the obligatory fandom soulmate AU. Young Buffy is absolutely adorable in this one, and Spike and Buffy's relationship is bittersweet, raw, and believable.

Choices by lafillesauvage - An AU. After Season 5 of Angel, Spike becomes human. Angel does not. Buffy still chooses Angel, and these are the consequences. Slightly excessive Angel bashing, but the characterization of Buffy and Spike, and little notes like Buffy's relationship with Giles being slowly fixed and Willow getting a non-Kennedy girlfriend are great! Buffy/Angel with a happy Spike/Buffy ending.

The Darkling by OffYourBird - the iconic time travel Spuffy fic. Buffy goes back in time and meets Spike... in the 1970s. His slow path to redemption starts differently, with tons of interesting changes in the timeline. Be warned, this one is LONG and smutty. Shout out for making me believe Giles/Anya could work as a couple!

Inside Man by HollyDB - An Angel season 5 fic. Spike calls Buffy. This shows all the things that change when Buffy has a spy on the inside of the Fang Gang. Follows canon up until the last episode, but provides fun context.

Short, Cute Cangel Fics

give them all that they can drink by eagle_eyes. The one where Cordelia is ace. Amazingly written, and the Cangel relationship is so soft and believable.

Another Chance by NikitaDreams - After the events of Angel: the Series, Cordelia travels back in time. Focus on Cangel and Connor. Lots of cute family dynamics.

Halloween Happily Ever After by GeckoGirl89 - cute, mutual pining between Angel and Cordelia in season 3. Angst with a happy ending. Really highlights how oblivious Cangel were to each other's feelings.

[midnight-mismanagement]

I’ve been thinking about That Church SceneTM and idk I think what hit me hardest was how Spike is talking about his former pre-soul mindset and how naive it is. He says “and she shall look on him with forgiveness and love and everyone will forgive and love and he will be loved” because while pre-soul he knew he was a monster and he knew he had done horrible things, he was okay with those things, he was a vampire after all, but he felt horrible for what he did to Buffy, but even then he still had a bit of hope. From the outside looking in, Angel’s soul seemed like the “button” for the “be good” switch. It would be the “piece that would make [him] fit” so he would be the “kind of man who would never [hurt her].” The “be a man not a monster” switch, that would make him be able to tell right from wrong and never hurt the people he loves anymore. But...the soul is not a “be good” switch. I don’t really know what the soul exactly is, since it’s never really concrete in the lore, but it doesn’t just make him fit, it doesn’t turn him into what he wants, but what it does do, is make him much more aware of himself and what he’s done, and he comes to the realization that no, there is no forgiveness. There never will be, he will never be worthy of it. He is condemned. He says “it’s okay now, right?” with hopeful despondency because he knows it will never be okay. Spike has always wanted acceptance, and love, and he sought it from places he would never get it, and now he knows he will never get it because he shouldn’t.

So when he goes up in flames by the end in heroic sacrifice and all that jazz, he’s happy he even got to have an ending like this, he’s finally doing something right. And when he comes back in Angel, as a ghost with no ability to affect the world around him (except annoy the crap out of Angel) he feels he is on borrowed time. In the moment of burning up, he didn’t have to think about if he would end up in hell or the aftermath, but with Pavayne toying with him, tugging him in to hell, it’s a slow torture of what he’s known all along, even if he didn’t fully want to face it. He is still condemned. And yet, given what he believes to be the one opportunity to stave off the inevitable for however longer and get a body, he still chooses Fred’s life over his own. And Fred tells him “you’re someone worth saving.” She doesn’t condemn him. She believes in him, like Buffy did, and this time it’s someone he doesn’t have a rocky past with or romantic feelings with, she just sees him for him and wants to help. And in the end he gets a body while she loses hers, and it’s because Angel and Spike did the “right” thing because it’s what Fred would’ve wanted. I think soulless him would’ve saved Fred, even if it meant condemning so many others. 

And on the day he thinks will once again be his last before the big suicide mission showdown (which he was the first to volunteer for), he doesn’t call Buffy to give her the pain of finding he’s alive only to die again, instead he goes to a bar and reads his poetry, the window into his shameful, soft soul that was stamped on and laughed at the last time he was a human, and hopes for acceptance. And he gets it.

[spuffybaby]

Time to Heal (5)

chapter links: (1) (2) (3) (4) (6) (7)

Though the thought had not crossed her mind then, back in Sunnydale, Buffy figured she'd been few nights away from figuring out a way to be exactly in this position, Spike next to her in her bedroom instead of the basement, one hand behind his head to hold himself up on the pillow, the other holding a poetry collection from Dawn's room. His voice was lowered, Dawn was sleeping already, but Buffy heard it all perfectly clear, close enough as she kept her eyes closed, her head on the pillow, facing him. She felt relaxed, not just because Spike was there and because she no longer had to mourn him and the time they'd been robbed of, but because there was something soothing to his voice, beyond it just being him, the melodic tone in which he read so smoothly, the depth of his voice a contrast she didn't think she could grow tired of.

“Buffy?” He was quiet, had just concluded another poem, suspecting she'd fallen asleep.

Her eyes opened, half-lidded and fatigued, but her gaze met his as she looked up at him. “Spike?”

No matter how many times he heard it, he would never ever get enough of hearing her say his name, and the way she said it now, with her guard down and a softness he'd rarely ever had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of, he didn't deserve it. "Thought you were sleeping, pet,” he said.

“No,” she said, propping herself up onto her elbow, her face closer to his. “Don't wanna sleep yet.”

“Y'know you can,” he said. “I'll be here. Make sure you and your little bodyguard are alright.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “She missed you too, you know,” she said. “She always liked you.”

Spike chuckled. “I wouldn't say that. She once threatened to set me on fire.”

“She-” Buffy laughed. “I mean, I'm not surprised. She's protective. Like you.”

He raised his eyebrows. “'course I am,” he said.

“I never knew how much.”

The words were quiet, a mumble under her breath, but he'd heard her. “What d'you mean, love?” He tilted his head to the side, watching her closely.

“Dawn told me how you...” She took a deep breath. “When Faith took over before the battle... Dawn told me what you said when you found out that I was gone. That you stood up for me.”

“Oh, that,” he said. “Took me all I had not to go mental on them. Still can't believe all I did was fight Faith. I was ready to take 'em all on.”

Buffy watched the temporary anger in his features, then his face relax when he noticed the look in her eye.

“I knew you wouldn't have wanted me to, no matter what they'd done. Didn't matter. Had to give 'em a piece of my mind though.”

“Thank you,” she said.

“What did you expect?” he asked. “Told you how I felt every chance I got.”

She laughed quietly. “I know. Guess you're not the only one who finds these things hard to believe.” She shrugged. “Think I always thought you did good for me. To see. To show me.”

“In the beginning, yeah.” He shook his head. “But I told you then, I don't just want you. I want you to have what you want. I want to make sure you're safe, that you're happy.”

She blinked back at him. “You want me?” she asked before she could stop herself. “Still?”

Spike's brows furrowed. “Buffy.”

“Spike.” She waited.

He huffed out a laugh. “C'mon. You know the answer.”

“I don't,” she said.

He shuffled to sit up, placing the book at the end of her bed. “What would make you think I ever stopped?”

She felt her cheeks grow warmer. “Well, you used to tell me you were alright and not to worry. When I went on dates. You know, I... I just thought-”

“Buffy.” He shook his head. “Listen. My love for you might have changed when I got my soul, but I never stopped wanting you. Hell, the opposite if anything. Getting my soul showed me how much it meant for you to choose me, to trust me enough. It let me see so much more of you.” His jaw tensed. “Never think I don't want you.” His eyes were wide, the intensity in them keeping her hanging on to his every word. “I just learned to let you take the lead, make your choices.”

Buffy moved up so she was sat up on her knees, without hesitation she reached to cup the back of his neck and brought his face to hers, before he knew it her lips were pressed to his and it took everything he had to maintain his self-control, to not lose himself. 'Boy, would it hurt,' he thought. 'if she changes her mind.' It wasn't like he thought it wasn't worth it, it was what she wanted and that was enough, but he wanted it so badly, even if it meant just this one moment, he'd rather have that than nothing at all. Never would he have forgot the taste of her, but licking her lip, feeling her tongue, it was everything he hadn't thought he'd ever get to have again.

His hands were flat on the bed behind him and he moved closer to her, shifting to cup the back of her head, before he knew he held a fistful of her hair, moaned forcing her lips apart and when he heard a similar sound from her, he was gone, lost in her, there was nothing but the sweet smell of her skin and her hair, nothing but the taste of sugar and the sound of her wanting him.

He stopped himself, ever-scared of the moment where he couldn't. Though he was certain he wouldn't have had to because of her initiation, it was a risk he wasn't willing to take. They'd come so far and he wouldn't put it on the line. He knew he was a different man, but what he'd done to her before he'd got his soul back, it haunted him more than most demonic acts. Nothing in him thought he could do that to her again.

Her eyes opened, wide, surprised. “Are you sure?”

He'd have been out of breath if he could have been. “Don't let this be the only way I can prove it to you,” he pleaded. “I promise you it's not that I don't want you, I just-”

“You need time,” she nodded. She leaned back, sat on her feet.

He moved his hand to cup the side of her face, his thumb smoothing over her cheek. “Don't you?” He pursed his lips. “With this second, well, third chance we've got...” He gave her a small smile. “I want to do this right. You've got to understand... I can't risk any other way. That's how badly I want you.” The way she leaned into the touch of his palm almost broke him. “And you deserve things to be right.”

“Stay with me?” she asked. “Up here.”

His lips parted and he stared at her for a brief moment. Instead of speaking, he went to lie back again, extending his arm across the pillow. Seconds later, she was curled up to his side, his arm around her, her arm over him, her front pressed to his side, her head on his shoulder. It was the unique scent of him and the way he held her in a way that made her feel so well taken care of that she doubted anyone could ever compare. With his coat hung over the chair in the corner and his boots at the bottom of her bed, she hoped he'd fall asleep right beside her. But she wasn't ready yet.

“Thank you for reading to me.”

She could hear his smile in his voice. “My pleasure, pet.”

“You really like poetry.”

He chuckled. “Used to write it, didn't I?”

She opened his eyes, but his were closed, remaining so. “When you were human.”

He hummed. “After too. But I haven't since I... came back.”

“Would you read it to me?” She closed her eyes again.

To her surprise, he stayed quiet for a moment. “I don't know. Never got great feedback,” he said after a while.

He'd confessed his love for her in so many ways so openly, had been devoted to her for so long and yet, she felt if she continued to ask him about his past, about him, it would make him as hesitant as asking him to read to her in the first place had.

“If we do this the right way,” she said quietly. “You have to tell me about you. I mean, I want to know. Who you were. Who you are.”

“Buffy, love...” He opened his eyes, saw her face against his chest, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “You know. Just a man who would do anything for you, striving to be what you deserve. And...” It took him a moment to continue, it was different to say these things that she could really hear, that she really took in now. “I'm an open book to you. I'll tell you whatever you want.”

She shuffled slightly, just enough to be able to reach the skin of his throat with her lips, pressing a kiss to his adam's apple. “Tell me you know you deserve me. And better.”

He opened his mouth, but she cut him off.

“And mean it,” she added.

He sighed, his arm tightening around her as he settled on the pillow. “Oh, Buffy.”

[mistigrisunshine]

spuffy fic rec

figured all the time i spend scouring EF and ao3 might be useful to someone!

part 1 - part 2 - part 3

Scooby Crew, Where Are You? by Twinkles [9k]

In a not comics-compliant post-series universe where spuffy have been reunited and everyone else is drifting apart, chaos drops by for a visit. Or a nefarious scheme. I guess we'll find out XD

To Apprehend Air by Quinara [19k]

Two days after LMPTM, Spike's soul is stolen. But that's OK; they can get it back, right? Simple. How hard is it to hop dimensions, anyway? Or storm a castle…

Wild and Wonderful by solstice [23k]

Dawn is nine and three quarters. She is resilient, strange and sharp as a tack. She's a credit to her big sis. But she's just been kidnapped by one of the most notorious vamps of all time - Drusilla. Things look bad. Enter Spike, her very unlikely hero. Spike's relationship with Drusilla has been on the rocks since the Acathala debacle and the morsel in the crate is her double-edged gift to him: a chance to make things right, and a chance to be really bad. Kill the girl and make it hurt. But for some reason he. just. can't. Instead, he tosses the niblet into the trunk of his Desoto and hits the road, leaving his one hundred year relationship in tatters, and grinding his reputation into the dust. Buckle your seat belts nice and tight. We're in for a bumpy ride.

World Enough, and Time by toooldforthis [23k]

“You came back wrong,” he told her, all those years ago. He was right, but it took them a very long time to realise exactly what that meant. It meant a hundred more apocalypses, a thousand battles. It meant a journey, a prophecy, a war. They’d lose one other, and find their way back, and choose, again and again. And all the while, the earth was failing. There are a lot more people than you think who are here for the long haul – like, the really long haul. This is a story about two of them.

Once You Eliminate the Impossible by yellowb [30k]

Icelandic noir. Inspector Summers of the Reykjavik police force has finally got her big chance: she’s in charge of a murder case.

sometimes enough by taxicab12 [35k]

“Tell me everything,” Willow said, not sounding particularly like she’d been asleep. “Are his friends cool?” Buffy blinked. “Some of them. There was this one British guy���” “Ooh, accents, hot.” “—who wouldn’t stop staring at my boobs,” she finished. “Ew, men, gross.” “Spike,” Buffy said with a scoff. “What kind of name is that?” Or, Buffy falls in love and in love and in love. For some reason, life keeps happening anyway

ever waiting airports (full of the love that you deserve) by womanaction [41k]

Buffy catches up with Riley's helicopter, solving one problem and introducing a host of others. How is she supposed to rebuild their crumbling relationship in the face of an angry hellgod out for blood, an emotional teenage sister who spent millennia as a glowing ball of energy, and a weirdly helpful vampire? Season 5 rewrite from "Into the Woods" on.

GTFO by Girlytek [54k]

Spike doesn’t take the extra hundred bucks to be the decoy. Ethan doesn’t hang around to gloat. With the Initiative on their tail (just a little one), and Ethan needing a good being killed, Spike and Fyarl-Giles get out of town. There’s nothing like a road trip to put your demons in perspective.

Care by Sigyn [72k]

While under her Will Be Done spell, Willow just happened to say “I don’t care about anything,” and as a result, wanders blithely off as a vengeance demon. Spike and Buffy are left to protect a threatened Xander and a blind Giles while under the effect of a powerful love charm. But all is not happy in paradise – they’re still constantly fighting, and Angel is determined to end the spell they’re under. In a desperate attempt to collect the tattered remains of all their lives, ex-watcher Wesley Windham-Pryce is called in to try and play marriage counselor between the vampire and the slayer.

The Soul Lies Down by the_moonmoth [73k]

"As a child, I used to dream of a man in black and white, spinning in the desert like a dervish, sword flashing in the moonlight as he danced with death." Dawn travels back in time to save the vampire who saved her life. It's not purely out of sentiment, though -- the fate of the world is at stake (again) and somehow Spike is at the center of events. If only he can stay on the right side of Buffy. A sequel to Angearia's "Fin Amour".

Summer’s Lease by Iamblichus [86k]

Buffy thought it would be just another night of slaying lame-ass campus vampires, but one green demon, some unexpected help from Spike, and a spurt of fluorescent blood later, she finds that her world has acquired a novel complication.

Indigo Overture by Rikki_oko [119k]

Spike's just a drummer, content to live in lead singer Angel's shadow. But when a certain blonde strolls in on Angel's arm, will Spike be content to take the backseat forever? Loosely based on the eighties song, Jesse's Girl.

[raisedbythetv89]

Listennnnn to be loved is to be seen

Buffy is SURROUNDED by people who project and project and project some more onto her without ever truly seeing her and just trying to force her to be whatever they want/need her to be often leaving her feeling used, abused, and lonely.

And so while yes on the surface the Buffy bot is icky as hell and obviously irl all of us would be rightfully horrified if that happened to us. This is fictional and with a still evil but trying to be good but with no human soul to help guide him on how to be good Spike - who has been rejected and is honoring that rejection and finding a solution to leave real Buffy alone by giving him a place to put all his feelings for Buffy somewhere that isn’t Buffy herself - programs her so well and therefore showing how well he sees and understands her!! NO ONE ELSE could have programmed that exact Buffy that was believable enough to fool her friends. So yes it’s twisted but this is a vampire falling in love with the slayer if you want completely healthy truly go elsewhere lololol but so the bot is used to show just how well Spike truly understands her and more importantly what he loves about her which given the partner she had right before this was Riley who VERY CLEARLY hated how strong she was and that she was the slayer…

spike is like SHE NEEDS A DEDICATED SLAYER FOLDER

HE PUT THE YEAR WILLOW CAME OUT IN HER BIO 😭😭😭😭 angel and riley truly could never in a million years pay close enough attention to the people in her life that Buffy cares about to add info like that

The choice of “make spike happy” instead of something like “pleasing spike” feels significant because it’s able to encompass a wider range of things including her care for her friends since that seems to be the active folder when she’s accessing information on them. Buffy caring about other people makes him happy even though he’s morally grey at best at this moment 😭 AND TWO KISSING PROGRAMS ARE THE VERY FIRST THINGS IN THAT FOLDER 😭😭😭 he doesn’t just “want to fuck her” like people try to claim he wants to love her 🥲 he wants her kisses like I’m gonna throw up from how disgustingly tender and heartbreaking that is

Buffy bot calls both her and Buffy very pretty and tells Giles he “should listen to the other Buffy because she’s very smart”. Spike made sure the Buffy bot was a Buffy that loved herself and valued her intelligence like I cannot even begin to tell you how NONE of this is your run of the mill making just a sex bot of your crush because not being able to have sex with them upsets you. He wants to love her because he knows she needs it as much as he wants to give it to her

We have this moment where Buffy bot has finally found Spike who she’s been looking for and worried about the whole time and seemingly only cares about him and no one else and she sees he’s SEVERELY injured yet when Giles calls for help Buffy bot responds at the same time as Buffy does and runs to his aide leaving Spike like she’s still just so BUFFY at her core even if the superficial aspects have been changed 😭

if we compare this moment to the one in something blue where xander calls out for help in the crypt in an IDENTICAL situation yet ACTUAL BUFFY just continues to make out with Spike when he’s not even injured at all 💀 like Spike didn’t even give Buffy bot the “extra love sick” component Buffy herself exhibits for him on multiple occasions 😭

and of course - WE END WITH THIS KISS AND THE WAY SHE’S FUCKING LOOKING AT HIM BRO 😩 she’s like holy shit he was for real when he said he loved me no one has ever done anything like this for me while simultaneously showing how COMPLETELY loyal and obsessed they are and how well they know and love all of me AND my sister like

‼️I CAN DEPEND ON HIM‼️

So close to death even Xander is feeling sympathy for him yet clocks IMMEDIATELY it’s her and she’s just like hi 🥹 yes it’s me, I really just did that. I see you and what you did for me. HAVE HOPE KEEP TRYING DONT GIVE UP.

If Buffy loves you she forgives you pretty easily and I personally think that’s what we’re seeing here with Spike like kissing him in the same ep she learns of the Buffy bot is low key CRAZY 😹 but truly people who have done less for her have done far worse!!! The bot kept dawn and tara from being taken instead and he proved he would protect both of them with his life and like she already loves him which is why she even went for the kiss she was like REALLY THE SITUATION CALLS FOR IT WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO 🤷🏼‍♀️

[initiumseries]

"Spike assaulted Buffy and then got a soul to punish her for her rejection." This. It's not that Spike with a soul doesn't deserve a chance, it's that S7 wants us to see him as a man who risked everything to be better. Buffy didn't just believe in ensouled Spike, she looked back at the demon who assaulted her and believed in him too (she said in Him: he knew that it was wrong, that's why he went away).

I just want to be clear here, I have problems with this storytelling. Which I also explain further in the post your quoted this from. My problem with Spike getting a soul, not only is it treading on ground already covered with Angel, it's that Spike, with a soul, doesn't at all work for redemption. Angel was cursed, but he could've done like Spike, sit in a basement bemoaning his circumstances and then killing a bunch of Potentials for the First. But after seeing Buffy, he tries to fight. It's hard, but he does it, and he does it because it's the right thing to do, not to impress or make Buffy happy. Spike assaults Buffy and *never* repents. That dialogue you quoted is Buffy making excuses for Spike. He didn't go away because he knew it was wrong. He fled and cursed her the whole way. That's rewriting history and it's inaccurate, but the show wants us to believe that Spike has changed, without actually demonstrating that change on screen. Anything Spike does that we view as "changed" is *always* for Buffy's benefit. That's not change. And I think it's ooc for Buffy to not require a clear display of true redemption from Spike before even considering allowing him around her again, much less knowing he is a weak willed danger to her work because he was under the thrall of the First and killing potentials with no signs of stopping and Buffy's solution was to bring him closer to the Potentials?? Since when does that make sense? Buffy would never do that. And yet, that's what we had to watch. This is why I said, in the OP, that I don't like when shows erode the character and story integrity for a ship or character that just isn't working. I'd rather them abandon that character than insult the viewers, especially when we're 7 season deep.

[simply-ellas-stuff]

Every time I think about Laurel using the Lazarus Pit to bring Sara back I think about when the Scooby Gang brought Buffy back (with magic?). And how Buffy was angry about being brought back to life because she was finally at peace and then it was ripped from her. Granted, both Buffy and Sara both managed with their resurrected lives and (as far as I remember) get relative happy endings.

However, all I can think about is how incredibly selfish it is for Laurel and Scooby Gang to have brought back their respective lost ones. Yes, it was done with love but it was fueled by grief. Which made it a selfish type of love.

[girl4music]

Okay, so hear me out right…. I never really payed that much attention to Cordelia’s arc in ‘BtVS’ but one episode and one scene did really stand out with her and Buffy when they were relating to each other on feeling lonely and how isolation keeps them cut off from true love and true connection in ‘Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight’. We all know that Buffy is the loneliest and most isolated female character in the entire Buffyverse simply because she can’t find the balance between being the Slayer and being a woman. But then there’s Cordy who clings to any semblance of meaning or purpose through being the popular girl but yet never really having a true love or true connection because her friends treat her as the Queen Bee only and everybody else pretty much hates her for that.

Later on she becomes part of the Scooby Gang by becoming Xander’s girlfriend but then breaks up with Xander and therefore her ties to the Scooby Gang end pretty much immediately because - like Oz - she was just a Plus One and not actually a core member of the Scooby Gang. Then she moves to LA and bumps into Angel - literally - and becomes part of what he and Doyle do straight away without a requirement of being anyone’s Plus One. And she becomes so much a part of it that she practically ends up running the whole thing single-handedly. Sure, she can’t do the fighting parts but she is the instigator and manager and CEO of the whole business venture that is Angel Investigations because nobody else wants to take on that responsibility of actually making them money. Then she gets Doyle’s visions when he passes away and passes them on to her because he loved and respected her enough to know that she was CRUCIAL to giving Angel the best chance for redemption and to support him in receiving it. And she does that seamlessly, easily, effortlessly and naturally by caring enough about him and sincerely believing in his capability to be the hero - the Champion. In other words: the man over the monster. The actual PERSON.

But it’s not all about Angel, you see, because in the meanwhile she relieves herself of loneliness and isolation because she begins to care less about herself and her needs and more about other people. Namely Angel because he is really the only character in the entire Buffyverse who is lonely and isolated because he is forced to be because he isn’t allowed to be happy and any step in the direction of true happiness would lead to taking 100 steps back everywhere else.

So I think the striking difference between Cordelia and Buffy (and therefore between Cangel and Bangel) is that Cordelia turns the fucking lights on around Angel rather than allows the both of them to just live in the darkness where it’s most “comfortable” or “familiar” because it’s all they know how to live in. You know, she actually tries to make things better for them and their shared predicament of mutual misery by taking the initiative to walk them out of the shadows in a way where it will not destroy either of them. It’s almost a 100% switch. Like Bangel was torment and torture and trauma 24/7. Constant pain is not fun to watch. They were not good for each other like… at all. It wasn’t their fault. I understand that. But at the same time… something needed to be done about it and of course it had to be the most painful thing possible for the both of them because that’s all their relationship ever consisted of. Constant pain. And so the striking difference really is that Cordy ended up being the person that Angel needed because it’s more like she represented the sun for him. A sun that he didn’t have to be afraid of and cower away from because it burns him. A sun that didn’t hurt him or remind him that he was damned to only live in the dark. A beacon that guided him and told him that there was purpose in what they were doing and why it mattered to continue doing it. Angel might have thought Buffy was that for him but she wasn’t because she only ever lived in the dark too and that was not healthy for either of them.

Maybe for the Bangel shippers there is some kind of appeal in that because they understand and relate to each other’s constant pain. But it’s like I’ve explained about puzzle pieces: you cannot fit together and connect if you both have the same jagged little pieces in the same places. You can only be and do that if you’re the perfect opposites. And yeah, maybe Cordy was dealing with loneliness and isolation too in a much the same way to Angel at the time… but the striking difference is that she didn’t let that restrict or prevent her from being a part of something that needed her and from being with people that she loved and that loved her. She understood and related to constant pain too but didn’t let it eat and swallow them whole.

The whole thing with Buffy is that she intentionally and automatically cuts herself off from people that she loves and that love her because she believes that they’re just targets for her enemies and she can’t be responsible for getting them hurt or killed. And that may be true - but why add to injury by basically forcing them out of her life? I mean she’s always alone because she chooses to be alone. No other reason really. And Angel was the same fucking way when around her because he believed that he was putting HER in danger and being a liability to her because he was a vampire and she wasn’t. They were both like this to the point where - at the end of the day - they were just self-fulfilling their own made-up prophecies. So what was the point? Really, what’s the point in Bangel?

It was Cordy (Cangel) all along and not Buffy (Bangel) and the proof is in how Cordy changed for the better alongside Angel just as much as in how Angel changed for the better alongside Cordy. Instead of just got worse - in themselves and in each other - they got much better. And that’s what a relationship of true love and true connection is supposed to do and be. Angel and Buffy couldn’t call each other their “true loves” or “soulmates” because they were not each others puzzle pieces - perfect opposites. They were mirrors reflecting pain and trauma at each other as if they already didn’t have enough of it in themselves. As if they weren’t already in constant pain and trauma.

You may be able to learn and grow from being in a relationship like that. But you should never stay in one. And as awful as it is to say, let alone believe… I truly think that the best thing Angel ever did for Buffy was leave her and move to LA and fall in love with Cordelia because he was just better as a person AND as a character when he didn’t exacerbate his own sad existence by revolving around Buffy’s sad existence and instead being around someone who wouldn’t let him wallow in his guilt and contempt. That instead of live with him in darkness turned on the fucking lights.

[tanith-rhea]

Neighbours

Miranda just broke up with her fifth boyfriend of the year. It is September and she is starting to feel done with juvenile relationships and thinks it's time to settle down and focus exclusively on her Policing Bachelor's. To this effect, she moves to a new apartment to start the new no-relationships (or at least no-men) chapter of her life. Shame that her new neighbour seems to disagree with that… at least when she’s sleeping.

Word count: 3k

Part One, Part Two

I love this gif by @kingpreciouswrld so much, thank you!

Your new neighbour is the cutest person you’ve ever laid eyes on. It’s no big deal, obviously, but it would be stupid to deny she is the person with the biggest puppy vibes you’ve ever encountered.

You first saw her coming back from a workday. She was just moving in, a few boxes in the corridor, some blocking your door. Your previous apartment was a disarray of disassembled furniture and all manner of clutter.

You missed your old apartment, but it was for the better. The new one, just across the corridor, was a one-bedroom at almost half the price, it was also half the size, but you could not care less, being only you.

“Hey, do you want some help with this?” you remember asking the bent-over girl lifting the heavy-looking boxes.

She didn’t respond immediately, instead turning around to look at you with white-blond eyebrows up on her forehead.

“Oh my god, sorry! Am I blocking the way?” she tried to flatten herself in the wall, but the box was still very big if you were to pass.

“No” you chuckled, amused with her sweet but ineffective attempt at making space “I live here, actually” you knocked on your door and shrugged.

“Fuck I’m blocking your actual fucking door” she seemed exasperated with herself, turning slightly pink. She was so adorable you felt your stomach bubbly. Maybe you would throw up rainbows, who knew?

“It’s no problem, really. I can just open it and jump over the box. I’m asking if you want help” you tried to smile gently. Most of the time your smiles were snarky or smug, so you didn’t have much practice conveying niceness.

She bit her lip and you wanted to curl into a ball and scream in happiness. How the hell did she manage to be so cute? You wanted to punch her.

“All right… yeah, thank you. If you’re serious…” she gave you a sheepish smile and you promptly lifted some boxes as well.

The boxes were indeed damned heavy. It only made you admire even more how easily she seemed to pile two or three of them and bring them inside. She could throw you across the room without breaking a sweat, you were sure.

She thanked you again and you tried to act normal and said she could just shout if help was needed. You were just across the corridor anyway.

She didn’t shout for help. She didn’t even call for a chat, actually. You left early in the morning to work and came back close to six when she was already inside, you assumed, watching television or playing games or whatever you assumed students did these days.

The only interaction you had after the moving in was when you came back from work two days later to find a chocolate cake on a paper plate with a “thank you <3” note on it. The heart and her handwriting were very round, and you thought she must have had one of those teachers that made kids write four pages of calligraphy with every homework.

You didn’t even have the excuse of giving the plate back, and what would you say if you simply knocked on her door? Hello, I think you are adorable and would like to spend time with you even though we are just neighbours, and I don’t mind if you don’t find me attractive, I just want to look at your cute as fuck face? No, that wouldn’t do. You just had to accept your predicament and move on.

But the mind is a funny thing, and countless nights of not sleeping enough and rewatching Buffy, The Vampire Slayer atop the stress of applying to culinary school were just the thing it needed to decide it was time for a good old sleepwalking.

The first time it happened you woke up trying to open the door to your old apartment at four in the morning. The hallway was dimly lit by the soft blue nightlights kept for those who stumbled home after a wild night out or left to work in the ungodly hours of the morning. You went back to your own apartment, drank very cold water and decided an early start was as good a decision as any. You made scrambled eggs for a change and actually had breakfast before leaving.

The second time was the same. You woke up cold with your hand twisting insistently in your neighbour’s doorknob. By the fifth you were starting to get frustrated, and by seventh, you were beginning to consider telling Miranda about your predicament, lest she decided to go for a midnight walk and find you trying to break into her apartment.

But you didn’t have the chance. The eighth time, Miranda forgot her door open, and your sleepwalking self was satisfied to finally be able to enter her “home”. You woke up with a searing pain in your head.

“Are you awake? Are you all right? Oh gosh, I’m so sorry, you scared the shit out of me!” your neighbour’s voice was a high-pitched audio on 2x velocity.

Her hands were on your face, and you were sprawled on the rug of her living room.

“What…?” your heart rate was slowly rising, and you didn’t understand what was happening. You were partially used to waking up in the hallway but laying on the ground with a panicked Miranda on top of you was at least a bit disorientating.

“I think you sleepwalked into my home” she took a deep breath, trying to lower her volume “I heard something bumping from my room and came out to see a figure down the hallway… so I hit you with a frying pan”

“You did what?!” the absolute nerve! Well, actually you invaded her home, so good on her for defending herself “What if I was a real burglar? You would come at me with a frying pan?” your head was still aching, probably where she hit you, but you gave her a side smile.

“I’m at policing school for something, aren’t I?” she went up and offered you a hand smiling, she seemed relieved.

Policing then. That made sense considering her height and strength, but you could swear she was an artsy one, maybe sculpting and drinking herbal tea or whatever.

“Sorry, officer, didn’t mean to cause any trouble” you joked, getting up and patting your pyjamas.

“Next time I’ll have you arrested” she arched a brow, amused.

You definitely wouldn’t mind that. Ok, that was enough. She was cute, yes. It was the middle of the night and she had bed hair and her blouse was hanging off her right shoulder but that didn’t give any right.

“I’ll, hm… go then” you pointed behind your shoulder to the door “You probably want to go back to sleep… I should too” you smiled tightly, trying to keep the swagger or whatever, look cool, even if you had just invaded her home, flirted with her and stared at her unguarded form probably still warm from sleeping.

She seemed to jump at that, realizing the circumstances, and looked at the clock. Almost five, damn.

”Oh, you could actually stay. It’s not a problem” she speed-talked at you.

“Are you sure…? You could still sleep around… two hours?”

“Classes start at eight, might as well make use of the extra time” she shrugged, smiling contently “But you don’t have to stay if you don’t want” she quickly added, seeming less confident.

Jesus, the girl was a rollercoaster of emotions.

“No, sure. I’ll stay” you smiled, and she seemed satisfied with that “Actually, I’ll make you breakfast. You go shower and get ready and I’ll make you panda-shaped banana pancakes” you blinked, trying not to laugh at her confused look.

“All right…” she walked slowly to the hallway “Will you need help in the kitchen?”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll find my way” you reassured her, and she nodded shortly before disappearing into the bathroom.

Miranda was the funniest girl you had met in a long while. She was direct and innocent in a hilarious and charming way. After two or three pancakes she was asking you about your preference for sleepwear bottoms or what brand of toothpaste you used. You also discovered she swore off men after five bad relationships in only a year. That was interesting but discouraging at the same time. For one, she wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with a man, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t straight. Chances were that she was, from how she talked about men, and that was at the very least really disappointing. You thought you had a chance when you first saw her, but that just went to teach you never to judge a book by its tall, beautifully breathtaking cover. She was an absolute lesbian thirst trap, and it was hugely unfair.

At least now you were friends, not simply the person across the hallway, and you could be content with that; if not jumping excitedly in gay bliss, but that was ok.

One breakfast turned into eating junk food over at your place, watching Buffy because you still had one season to go for your fourth rewatch, and talking about all manner of things. Miranda was in the third year of her bachelor’s degree, halfway to graduation because she studied only in the mornings. She was twenty-one, two years younger than you, and apparently had fooled around with some girls in the past; mostly just “straight and curious” as she put it. She didn’t seem too happy about it, and you didn’t touch the subject again.

Almost an entire month of eating at each other’s places and watching whatever was on television went by and you could almost lie well enough to yourself that you weren’t slowly falling for her and were just happy for becoming closer and closer friends with her. But then it happened.

You had drunk a few beers together while Miranda did some research for a paper she was due next month. It was late and you were napping lightly on her shoulder when she leaned on your hair and kissed the top of your head.

“You can go sleep if you want, I’ll finish this in a bit anyway” she murmured close to you and in your half-sleeping daze you only agreed with a hum and went to the bedroom.

Her bedroom, in the apartment that wasn’t yours anymore.

She saw you walk down the corridor and didn’t say anything, which was strange. Some people didn’t mind having friends sleeping over, but you were going to her room, not the guest’s, and still, she didn’t utter a word. Later, she went to sleep as well. You were already deep in a dreamless sleep unlike you’d had in a long while. She slipped in the covers beside you and brought you to her chest, you sighed contently in the crook of her neck while she played with your hair until she too fell asleep.

Waking up in Miranda’s bed was the sweetest sensation. Her body was warm, all tangled with yours, and she snored softly with her head atop yours. For a few seconds you were in heaven, and then the situation finally dawned in your head. You were sleeping in Miranda’s arms. How the hell did that happen? You remembered last night as if it was… well, yesterday. She said you could go to sleep, but she didn’t specify where, and your sleep-deprived brain took you to the exact bed it had been trying to get you into for at least a week and a half some time ago. And Miranda did nothing. Actually, she didn’t “do nothing”, she went and slept with you in said goddamned bed.

“I can hear you thinking” a sleepy voice came from atop you; Miranda was awake and hugging you while pressing her nose to your hair. She made a contented hum and hold you tighter before letting you go, sitting up “It’s all right, this was your apartment, I get that you would go to your old room if you were sleepy and not thinking clearly” she smiled, letting you off the hook.

She was so unfairly beautiful with pillow marks on her cheeks and sleepy dust in her eyes, a dopey smile not at all timid, but warm, before getting up and crossing the corridor to the bathroom.

You were in hell. You also were in heaven, but it didn’t belong to you. Miranda was your friend; she was straight and very much not interested in a relationship at the moment. She said so herself, countless times while drunk and complaining about ex-lovers, whom you wanted to beat to the ground for not seizing the opportunity of catching her eye, thank you very much. You could not continue doing this. You were far too invested for your own good and it was time to take a step back and reflect.

You got up, knocked on the bathroom door to say you were going home to get ready for work and left.

The following days were horrible. Miranda would come over with takeout only for you to lie about a headache and wanting to sleep, or you wouldn’t come back till it was late enough that she would be inside watching tv. Sometimes you said you had work stuff to sort out, which you didn’t, and she knew because you worked at a café. It also wasn’t a good enough excuse because she did college stuff all time at your house and it never was a problem. She knew what you were doing, and she didn’t stop you. Maybe she was relieved.

It was Saturday night, almost a week after the “I can’t keep lying to myself that I love you” incident. Miranda hadn’t knocked in two days, and you were eating ice cream on the sofa while indulging in some well-deserved skin care consisting of tears and self-pity when a voice sounded at the door.

“Hey… are you there? I can listen to the tv” it was Miranda, of course it was.

You knew you were being a drama queen, but you enjoyed those stages of breakups where you could cry all day and stuff yourself with sweets. It didn’t mean you wanted her to see that.

You hid the ice cream underneath the coffee table and furiously cleaned your face in the hem of your t-shirt before opening the door.

“Hi! Sorry, I was just cleaning, everything is a mess today, I’d prefer you didn’t see it” you didn’t even give her a chance to speak.

She looked easily over your shoulder, noticing nothing out of place.

“Of course, I wouldn’t want to interrupt” she looked at her hands, squishing each other nervously “Listen… I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I’d like for us to go back to normal” she sounded so sorrowful you wanted to bang your head in the wall for being the cause.

“You didn’t make me uncomfortable” one truth “it just has been a busy week, I really wish we could have hung out more” two lies, well, one and a half. Could she spot which was which in your voice?

She looked at you uncertainly, her hands clenching like she needed strength to proceed with whatever she wanted to do.

“I understand your position in this situation, and I respect it. It was inappropriate of me to take advantage and a completely absurd assumption as well” she closed her eyes forcefully for a few seconds, her brows furrowed tightly before looking at you again “I can keep my feelings to myself and be only your friend. Everything would be normal; I wouldn’t even touch you if you’d like”

What the hell was she on about? Keep her feelings to herself, what the fuck?

“What? Randee, you didn’t take advantage of me, I slept on your bed. You could have kicked me out if you so wanted, it was your right, and you didn’t. You were actually decent and pretended it was all ok and reasonable”

She seemed confused, and you were starting to feel a bit frustrated at the situation. Nothing she said made sense.

“No, it wasn’t right of me because I wanted it!” she had to stop speed-talking at you like this, you could barely understand her “I could have slept on the couch, or in the guest room, but no. I slept with you… because I wanted to, and because I could… and now I wish I hadn’t because you’re pulling away from me and I feel like you don’t even want to be friends anymore while I can’t get enough of even being near you”

…

What now? Your heart was eerily calm for what you’d just heard. Did it stop and you were dying? Would it expand and explode from the absolute incredulity of what you had just heard?

Miranda’s bottom lip was trembling and she looked alarmingly close to breaking down in tears when you lunged yourself forward to hug her.

She sobbed, heavens allow it to be in relief, and hugged you back with much more strength than you could take. You could barely breathe but you didn’t pull away.

She started crying this time, but you traced soothing patterns in her back until it subsided and brought her inside to sit on the sofa. You brought up the ice cream starting to melt from underneath the coffee table and offered her. She accepted and ate while sobbing. It was the sweetest, most wonderful thing you’d seen in your entire life. You cuddled up to her side, hugging her shoulders while she calmed down. You could barely keep your excitement from showing now that you knew she wanted you back. This incredible woman wanted you back.

When she finally calmed down and put the ice cream aside, you loosened your grip on her shoulder and looked at her face, her puffy red adorable face.

“I wanted to as well,” you said simply, looking her in the eyes, hers locking into yours with a surprised glint “And I couldn’t deal with the feelings I had so I decided to keep my distance”

She was silent for a moment, searching your face for any signs you weren’t saying the truth.

“Do you still?” she asked slowly, looking at your lips.

“I do” you whispered before smashing your lips together.

[mumblelard]

unrelated exploits or happy friday imaginary constructs

this week, i had coffee with an old acquaintance at the local shop owned by buffy the vampire slayer's stunt double. we talked about how the life expectancy of his four year old has gone from forty-two to fifty-four because of new treatments and it was good to see the light in his eyes when he told me

my mom turned seventy-three on wednesday. we ate barbacoa tacos at their kitchen table and caught up on family news

all the trails were closed yesterday for bridge maintenance so i cleaned my floors and fixed a bunch of food instead of rambling

last night i dreamt that i worked in a noodle shop in japan and everyone was glad i was there

i have a load of laundry in the dryer. i'm going to pile the hot towels on the bed on top of boba as soon as they are done. she circles around and makes a little cave inside and it's one of her favorite things

i'm not sure what i am going to do this weekend, but there are a lot of options and i am happy to let serendipity reign