#but because i find them Interesting in terms of what they're doing with the Themes and the Craft

[astrowithkaro]

𝐀𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐲 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝟏𝟖+ 𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 💋

My astrology notes but this time they're a little spicy - keep in mind that this doesn’t necessarily have to be 100% accurate to you so take what resonates! I bring up both darker and lighter themes.

Do not copy, plagiarize or reword my posts, thank you! Give full credits if reposted - Karolina

❣️ If you’re genuinely looking for a very straightforward and passionate love, look no further than fire signs. I find that even though water signs tend to represent emotions and such, they’re almost always going to be confusing or give mixed signals. Find yourself a mature fire sign who is very clear about their intentions with you and are attentive to your needs. Fire signs tend to also be the signs who stay passionate the longest without letting the love die out.

❣️ If his mars is in 12H, he has ✨erectile dysfunction✨ These people usually watch porn a lot, especially from a very young age. This might be why they are more prone to any sort of sexual dysfunctions. This placement could also be a red flag in men if they keep their porn addictions a secret - it's probably because they watch hardcore/unusual porn.

❣️ I can imagine Virgo Venus men enjoy having quiet power. I think they might be really attracted to traits such as emotional intelligence and perhaps even trauma bonding through sex. They might like movies/books with themes of psychological sex or crime.

❣️ If you want the type of relationship where they will want to constantly give you money and buy you things, look no further than people whose mars sign is the same as the sign in your 8H. Material gworlll.

❣️ Mars conjunct Pluto are literal sex gods, the Wattpad kind. This is generally a very humble placement who are really mature with their sexuality but don't distance themselves either. They are perfectly capable to swallow you whole with the amount of pleasure they are able to provide. Although these tend to have trust issues, usually taken advantage of or very closed off because no one is able to give the same energy back.

❣️ Scorpio mars/venus have a thing for tight hugs or holding a partner really close during sex and I think it's so so wholesome ;) Generally speaking I'd say touch and sensuality is the way to these placements' hearts.

❣️ The 5º in significant planets can point towards very high sex appeal. That's because the 5th degree is the erotic degree in astrology. For example Marilyn Monroe has her MC in 5º 10H, thus her being the sex symbol from the 1950's.

❣️ If a chart has lots of 5H placements, that can indicate someone who might be non-monogamous. These people tend to make space for their sex life, they enjoy it being active and might not be interested in any long-term relationships. This could also be interpreted as a "player" placement. Bonus point it it's in Aries, Gemini, Aquarius or Sag.

❣️ Virgo mars could use sex or masturbation as a coping mechanism or a stress reliever on the daily. They enjoy having a planned sex routine which brings them closer to their romantic partner. They might really like the idea of a BDSM contract to spice up their sex life.

𝕿𝖍𝖆𝖙'𝖘 𝖎𝖙 𝖋𝖔𝖗 𝖓𝖔𝖜 𝖄𝖔𝖚 𝖈𝖆𝖓 𝖋𝖎𝖓𝖉 𝖒𝖞 𝖒𝖆𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙 𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖊

[cowboycannibalism]

I seen this 3 weeks ago but I'm barely posting it because I forgot lol work got crazy

okay some immediate thoughts on The Menu (2022), I literally just got out of the theater so it's very fresh and jumbled in my mind. ⚠️some spoilers included⚠️

Definitely a slow start and requires paying attention to little details to really get a read on the individual characters but I really enjoyed that. It makes you uneasy throughout most of it

It could have used a little more gore/blood but honestly the kills that happened were so jarring and unexpected it made up for the lack of blood

my sister ( a person who went to culinary school), and I (a person who went to art school) both enjoyed the aesthetic of the movie very very much! especially the close ups of the individual courses and descriptions that went along with them. they were beautiful and an interesting way to break up scenes

the characters were all so well done in terms of making you not root for them lol. a group of stuck up, rich people who just right off the bat were people I knew I wouldn't like

that being said the casting was wonderful! everyone played their character so well!

Tyler was so annoying! He had hyperfixated vibes at first where it was very relatable that he was so obsessed with the restaurant and the chef and everything. But as the movie went on he treated Margot like shit for not being as interested even though he was fucking paying her!! like bro you just spent half of the beginning of this saying she was so cool and being cutesy with her and also oh yeah she's an escort so quit being a dick you had to pay her to be there!

I will say Tyler's death definitely hurt me in a weird way. Watching Slowik humiliate him in front of everyone and then say something so cruel that he goes to kill himself...oof.

Also Tyler knowing for 8 months about everything!!! fuck dude.

Lilian and Ted were so realistic in the way that food critics(or any high end critics)talk about the dishes put in front of them. They could never just enjoy something, they always had to find the negative, never could be pleased or satisfied because that doesn't make an interesting review

Margot standing up to Slowik and making him make her a cheeseburger because of his past was so beautiful. Her push back to him being both disrespectful and firm while also giving him back that memory of being a line cook at a burger place from his youth. Of reawakening that love of cooking in him for just a moment.

the overall theme of an artist losing their love for their craft not necessarily it being their fault but because of the community that surrounds that medium was very rough for me to watch as an artist. The art world(any form of art) is so full of classicism and the further you get, the more praise you receive, the more known you become, the harsher it is to you. Not for the sake of bettering you or the craft, no its often just a game of egos and money and fame. Slowik had started off a line cook with a love of what he was doing and then to please the community that surrounded him he changed, and the thing that he loved, that he cherished, it became a chore. a punishment.

Everyone had a reason to be there and I can't find any pity for them except maybe the workers in the kitchen.

the scene with the tortillas had me screaming!!! the exposure of the misdeeds was mwah!!!

Also the fact that no one really tried their hardest to get away was really interesting. they protested things happening to them, they screamed and yelled and tried to escape a few times but it never felt frantic, it never felt like they were desperate to live.

that ties into the way that they eventually accept their fate at the end. they know why they're all there and they know it's pointless to fight or scream about their status or offer money/fame/etc.

they also all in their own way had lost their way in life and the whole menu was designed to show them that as well as how they ruined Slowik's love of his art

[alicentsgf]

What do you like in rhaenicent? What attracts you to them as a couple, and what attracts them to each other in your opinion?

i was so tempted to just respond with 'im a lesbian' but imma bite. prepare yourselves.

the basic cornerstone of it is i love women and i really really love tragedy, so this pairing is Perfection. on the most basic level, episode 1 rhaenicent was just cute like anyone who denies that just hates joy i guess. i was at least a little invested from scene 1.

you've got these two girls who have such different temperaments but then theres this undeniable element of sensual intimacy and chemistry. to me it seemed obvious even without the comments from the cast and crew that alicent and rhaenyra were in love with each other (in some way) as girls. they start off so comfortable with each other, reaching out for each other at every opportunity. rhaenyra even admits, however flippantly, to wanting alicent (and freedom) to the detriment of everything and everyone else. she would leave it all behind except alicent. but this means the dream dissipates with alicents disproval. rhaenyra is All desire, whereas, for better or worse, alicent tempers that because she is All duty and shes been raised to perform it without question (initially for rhaenyra as her companion, then later for her king/husband and their children). the biggest themes in the story are brought forth by rhaenicent's dynamic and by ways in which they act as foils for each other: loss, betrayal, duty vs desire, generational curses, motherhood, the madonna/whore dichotomy and its impotence, and the inevitability of a tragic ending.

they loved each other so deeply because growing up they were each others everything. i honestly think alicent only ever experienced unconditional love with rhaenyra, which is why she clings to the memory of it so desperately, (whereas rhaenyra had aemma perhaps?). alicent and rhaenyra were never without each other in their formative years, and they probably thought they never would be. in some ways they were torn out of each others lives with the same amount of violence and resulting mutilation as aemond losing his eye. they had molded themselves into each others empty spaces, making up for what the other lacked. they're incomplete without each other and deep down they both know that, and its why even after everything, with all the reasons they shouldn't care about each other anymore, they still find themselves desperate for reconcilation. and alicent still wont see rhaenyra dead, even when shes a possibly lethal threat to alicent's family. otto sees the truth of it, forcing alicent to acknowledge it too - even at the peak of their estrangement a world without rhaenyra is a world alicent cant make sense of.

and heres the really delicious part: they're going to destroy each other. its inevitable and it always was, because the world they live in would never have let them do anything else. its the curse of the targaryens meets the curse of westerosi womanhood. idk maybe at this point some people might wonder 'well then why bother having them love each other at all, if it ends with them alone and afraid and hating each other?', but isnt that the point of tragedy? love matters even if it sours. it matters even if it cant save anyone. theres catharsis in acknowledging the cost of human frailty and not doing anything to suggest things should or could have happened differently, but just encouraging us, very simply, to indulge our own ugly, stupid humanity.

the truth is the moment their relationship first truly gripped me was actually episode 6. i loved young alicent and rhaenyra but it was seeing their older versions so at odds with one another in contrast to their past that captured my interest. which is why i feel 'shipping' is just... not the right term for what where my brain is at with them. i feel it implies i want things for them as a pairing that i dont: i dont want them together, i dont want them to be less resentful, or to reconcile, and for all the jokes i dont even want them to be physically intimate. i want them to hate each other and i want them to hate how much they still care, i want it eating them alive, i want them unable to deny it because its the love, grief, and betrayal thats at the root of their resentment.

for me it seems like the reason grrm and the development team okayed this change is because whilst a 'history' book like fire and blood doesnt need an element such as this, the change in format to an intimate portrayal made it almost necessary. rhaenyra and alicents dynamic anchors the plot whilst also critiquing the nature of the shows own source material for its inaccuraces and misogyny. as a result the story of the dance becomes not just a story of targaryen entitlement and the resulting retribution, which i would have been a fan of anyway, but the tragic love story of two women who fell victim not just to the unforgiving nature of the world they were born into, but to their own human frailties. and im honestly just basking in it because this is so much more than i could have hoped for.

so i guess my point is that rhaenicent are barely even a 'couple' to me lmao, im studying them like a live specimen under a microscope and im not afraid to prod them with sharp implements.

[southpark-trashfactory]

I wanna ramble about some Bunny thoughts that aren't necessarily very shippy but I guess are partially why I find them as a ship so interesting.

(CW: Child Abuse )

So, I'm of the opinion that none of the South Park parents are actually very good parents, that's the main reason I don't often talk about them, since I don't wanna let my own dislike for them as people come across like I don't appreciate them as characters.

That being said I feel like most people might hesitate to unanimously label the majority of the SP parents as outright abusive, minus for The Stotches and The McCormicks.

For me, this makes for a very interesting dynamic, because it gives Kenny and Butters some common ground that they don't have with most of the other characters.

Building off of that, their situations are similar in theme, but far from identical in execution.

Kenny is the middle child in a financially struggling household, his parents are constantly fighting and physically abuse each other as well as their kids, he's even been shown to be desensitized to his parents arguing. He's also been parentified in how he has to take care of his little sister, and is psychologically abused through his parents degrading him, either for refusing to go to church or for failing to bring home money when he got a job. (I mean forcing a 9yo to get a job in the first place is pretty yikes but you get what I mean )

Butters is an only child in (what I interpret to be) a fairly financially stable household, with parents who more often than not run their home like a well oiled machine together, they're also physically abusive but the abuse they employ the most frequently is psychological, enforcing very specific rules and very harsh punishments when they are broken. (Like when Stephen got mad at him for not organizing the pantry right, so he poured ricerroni into his coffee, even though he could have, looked at the box)

I sort of always interpret Kenny and Butters situations as a mirror of the other, with Kenny's household primarily employing physical abuse with some instances of psychological abuse, and Butters household employing primarily psychological abuse with strategic physical punishments.

Kenny's environment is chaos that he's grown accustomed to, there isn't any rhyme or reason to what he goes through, and the responsibilities he has are unfair for a kid his age. That being said, I feel like he at least has some peace of mind in knowing that it's his parents who are the problem.

Butters on the other hand, might be a different story. His environment is structured neatly and securely, or at least he's told it is, there's always a reason given for why he's being punished, even if he had no way of knowing beforehand, he's always informed of why exactly he is the one at fault. He's a very sheltered child, and though he may from time to time think he's being treated unfairly, he might hesitate to believe he could be being abused, because don't his parents treat him well outside of when he's being punished? You couldn't well say he's neglected, he plays multiple musical instruments, knows how to tap dance, and entered at least one dressage competition, all of which require lessons, so money and time from his parents. All of this considered would probably make Butters perception of his parents very confusing for him.

I know this post mostly comes across as me pointing at these two like "Hey, look how fucked up these kids are" and by no means do I feel like their shared trauma is the only merit to their dynamic being interesting, but it's something I often find myself thinking about, and rarely really see explored as in depth as I would like.

Like, to what extent do they know about each other's experiences? Could they maybe find solace in each other's experiences, or would they get hung up on the differences? Maybe a mixture of both where they find comfort in each other only after coming to terms with the fact they may never fully understand what the other went through, even if it seems similar? Idk man, I just like the idea that these fucked up kids could be happy together.

I like the idea that they might hurt each other accidentally because they're humans who have been hurt, but they make the effort to do better by each other because they care, and they want to be together for as long as it feels right.

I feel like this is just a bunch of random thoughts strung together but it's like almost 3 am

[thecontumacious]

heya!! do you not mind me requesting luxiem college au? like u're both in a healthy relationship idrk hhh

College AU Luxiem

a/n: i think anon sent this after reading my first yandere fic 😭 check out the original boyfriend headcanons if u haven't~ ALSO YES IM SLAPPING THIS FIC AT YALL AFTER JOTC'S PREMIERE IT WAS SO FUCKING LIT AHHHHHHHHHH

reminder that all my work and others in the fandom are purely fiction and intended to entertain, not to be projected irl.

content utc!

Vox Akuma 👹🌹

would take performing arts as his major since he's super interested in voice acting!

you'd think he would take history as an easy way out seeing as he's lived for centuries now but bro i can tell you that he probably sucks at it :'

i can't imagine him taking anything else than performing arts. even then he wouldn't just focus on voice acting only. he'd perfectly take a role in acting too

dancing and singing maybe not too much-

but vox would enjoy them nonetheless since it's all about having fun

he's the popular student, whether he intended to be one on purpose or because he's just naturally charming. not all the guys rly like him since he's practically had all the girls drooling all over him

even the female (sometimes male) professors can't find themselves in the right position to teach him

not with that devilish smile, nope

he aces his practical exams and projects super well, not so much his written tests tho :o

students would sometimes ask advice on voice acting since he was doing that pretty well

no shortage of times where they asked only to get in contact with him, his number if they were lucky

doesn't really do tutoring sessions since he believes he still has a lot to learn himself, asking for advice sure, but teaching? nah

the film/animation students fight over him whenever they're assigned to make a movie production

vox might actually be interested in joining the student council and it's no surprise he's accepted since he's very charming, has relatively good grades and is flexible in group projects

on a more serious note, he loves meeting new people and making new connections so yeah!

besides the student council, would also join the drama club and most likely met shu there

again, for connections and to practice his skills

there have been one too many times where he was casted as the main characters throughout the years he was at college

what can i say? he captures an audience so well~

part time job is obviously barista.

i think vox low key has always wanted to become a barista

to him there's just something so attractive about being one?? or is this just a stigma that i have

whatever, being a barista is cool as hell

oh and he loves the idea of putting down whatever message he wanted on the customers' cup, he could be sweet or flirty

he likes it because he has the chance to make someone's day by simply writing a message to them <3

the job pays well, he can experiment with types of drinks and when there are leftover pastries from the day, vox gets to bring them home to eat

vox is a interpersonal (social), aural (audio) and a visual learner. as mentioned before, he won't be too good at taking written tests so linguistic is out of the question (doesn't mean he dislikes reading tho! i've heard him say that he reads books)

i also don't think he's the biggest fan of studying alone either so he'll always rope in a classmate or two so it's not so quiet

vox remembers much easier when there's something to look at, like pictures or something

audio learner because he wants to be a voice actor duh

he would have to get used to listening to other actors do their work to pick up on how they act in terms of their voice

how you and vox met was through a cinematography project you had

you were required to make a film production with a certain theme and of course as the rumors spread, you heard about everyone in your year fighting over vox as their cast

you too wished you could cast him but seeing as he was probably busy helping the others, you didn't really bother to ask

but vox was working at the cafe your team agreed to work in and he overheard your wonderful ideas for your project, so when he personally delivered your drinks, he also asked if you were open for casting since you came from the same college anyway

surprised to say the least but you couldn't refuse him, so he officially became part of your team too

so that was how you met your current unseiso of a boyfriend they call vox

he asked you out once the project was finished, saying that he didn't wish to stop meeting you

cheesy but romantic all the same

the perks of having a boyfriend who was in the performing arts major rly helped you out as a film student. you got to meet a lot of talented actors and you could ask for vox's help

as long as you paid in kisses and cuddles

at the end of the four year study, vox was obviously asked to make a speech. when he stepped on that stage, he did not forget to mention you:

"and to my lovely y/n, who's given me a path to so many opportunities to help with my development as an actor. thank you, darling."

may or may not have proposed in front of everyone

Mysta Rias 🦊🔶

criminology

because he thinks it's super cool he could track down criminals with rly cool techniques

but then he realized how fucking hard it is to be a criminology student and wished he could've picked something easier :"D

(let's pretend he didn't drop out okay <3)

ofc college was not cheap so at least mysta tried his best to get through

asking for a ton of help from his classmates or straight up the professor

he sure as fuck did not take another four years of this shit

anyway

although mysta is not the best in the class (bottom ten), a lot of people like him for his humor and his rly eccentric attitude about things

his fashion sense became one his trademarks

a good break from the stress of college rly

but people rly do question why the heck he chose this major but eh

definitely the type to hog for homework answers

i actually think mysta would make a huge contribution tho despite his lack of skills in the department when it comes to group projects

what i mean here is that he's always hands down to help however he can, especially the more physical and tedious workload

like needing to print papers, looking for as much material needed for the project or setting up the contents into a powerpoint

i still think that counts as a lot of work <3

professors know him because he frequents them for tutoring sessions, so it's safe to say that mysta is super close with all his lecturers-

but that's not a bad thing at all!

in fact, without mysta rly realizing, this has become his benefit. with most of the teachers aware that he is struggling in his classes, they tend to grade him based on his efforts more than the results of a test

so even if he thinks he's falling behind, ask his professors and they will say the exact opposite!

for school activities, i would say mysta would like to join the sports club as long as his classes don't take up too much of his time

he wants to be able to stay active instead of sitting down and studying all day, plus he gets to meet a lot people and actually where he met the super popular kaneshiro kid!

part time jobs is also something mysta could commit himself to, especially if it meant helping out with student loans

anything works out for him so long as again, it didn't take too much of his time and don't tire him out

lot of times where he fell asleep in the library when he should be catching up with homework and reading tests o.0

speaking of studying, mysta is definitely a visual and kinesthetic learner mostly bcs he's not the type of guy to just sit still and read that fucking textbook

far from being a verbal learner. def not the type to like reading for long periods of time

he claims to be an interpersonal (social) learner, but with a lot of people around him, it's more likely he won't get anything done

this is where you come in

you and him were paired up, and it just so happens that you were one of the students who was doing pretty well in criminology

anyone would've been happy to be paired up with you but mysta is a bit different than just anyone

he was actually intimidated by just how well you were doing and he kept telling himself that he was being such a burden to you

but you never fail to patiently get mysta to work on the ones that need more thinking, even if you have to guide him

for once, mysta knew what the assignment was about this time, due to your composure during work

after that, he may or may not have braved himself to be in one group with you a lot more

it's just that people tend to just give up on him but there you were, staying up late with him just so he could get some material down for an upcoming test

when you fell asleep, mysta let the words of falling for you slip

"really?"

"HUH? YOU WERE AWAKE--"

"i like you too, dummy. now get back to studying. we'll go on a date after the test."

final project weeks were the same. lots of staying up late together (mostly bcs of mysta) and checking each other's work.

when the results were almost out, you actually had to stay over at mysta's bcs of how fucking nervous he was. was he going to graduate? did he have to start another year over?

as you held his hand tightly, mysta opens his results and sees his passing grade, officially now graduated from college

he sobbed against you that night, thanking you over and over again for always there to help him and being so patient

Luca Kaneshiro 🦮🔆

he took me a while to figure out what major best fit him (disclaimer: i swear i've heard him mention what major he took but my tiny brain forgot what it was and from what stream ;-;)

sooo i think it's most likely business since he is in the mafia

the skills could be super useful if he's going to need some extra funds for his syndicate

he'll take only a bachelor's degree because he wants to focus on his mafia work as soon as college finishes

luca is most obviously the jock of the school and one of the more popular students because of his extroverted nature

tbh tho his grades aren't too great??? let's say average :D

he's more like the guy who's looking for the fun of college instead of actually getting the education-

because of this, a lot of people like to hang around him. sometimes students who have super good grades can be a bit unapproachable, ofc not because of the students themselves, but others tend to not feel relatable to someone who does very well in academics

so luca is extremely approachable, easy going and friendly

not the smartest but its the quality of the company that counts right?

professors know who he is because of his popularity and although most of them are okay with luca, some do appreciate him bringing the mood up when classes are tense

the younger lecturers are most likely best friends with him lmao

as aforementioned, man is a jock and is just naturally energetic

OF COURSE HE WOULD JOIN THE SPORTS CLUB

he religiously participates bcs he gets to see his buddies and would always join in on whatever challenges were set onto him. he's not afraid to lose

i also think he would be interested in joining the student council and he did make it! which brought him to meet with vox ^^

luca brings a ton of ideas for student activities and is always happy to help out with whatever he can. with his popularity, it's easy to rope students into whatever event they had going on too

because he has a mafia to run, he rly doesn't make time to do a part time job

definitely a physical (kinesthetic) and interpersonal learner. man can't just sit down to read something and he most certainly will go crazy if he's not loudly memorizing his flash cards without someone else there

so how does he meet you?

the student council asked him to go to the art club to find someone who could handle illustrations for an event they were holding, so luca pitched in and saw you busily working on something in the club room

you didn't really know anyone from the student council so you pretty much had to cling onto luca the entire time when you met up with the student council (esp when this guy from the performing arts department kept hitting on you. vox was it?)

in the end, when the event finished, luca got used to hanging out with you. then he confessed when he realized he was crushing on you :3

he asks you to come by to the sports club all the time so he could introduce you to his friends and when you're alone, you and him would sometimes work out together

you guys go out on a lot of study dates

...which turns to playing around and not really getting anything done :")

luca always teases you to draw him "like of your french girls" but he was caught by surprise when you actually do ask him to model nude for an assignment

he was more embarrassed than he thought he would be

but he liked knowing he could help you out!

he would sometimes cry when you give him a drawing you did of him just because you wanted to. he's framing them all in his room

as a graduation gift, you actually gave him a super elaborate artwork in a pretty big medium too. and well, it's safe to say luca shamelessly shed some tears at the ceremony, showing off your work to everyone there

as his gift to you, he took you on vacation to somewhere you've always wanted to go to.

to luca, you definitely made his time in college so much more fun

Ike Eveland 🖋💙

pretty obvious he took up literature

but let me tell ya, i think he will take literature for his first four years and after he got the degree for that, he's going to change his major to music because again pretty obvious reasons

he would take literature first so he has the writing skills needed later in music making

or, ike could take the option of a double degree since i see him as the type of person who rly likes to bury himself in work especially if it's the things he really is passionate about

but for the sake of his social needs and sanity, let's say our man ike did not take a double degree

ike eveland is obviously the star student of his class, perhaps even top 5 of his entire year

he's also pretty humble about his achievements so he's not the snobby kid who flaunts their good grades

everyone absolutely respects and admires him for it, even going out of their way to ask for tutoring sessions with him

paid tutoring sessions, mind you

he'll take some, but not so much his schedules are full much to the student body's dismay

his professors love him so much as well, using his work as examples no matter how many times ike insists there's no need to do that

is ike the type to join the student council?

ehhhh not rly i don't think?

there was a time where he did consider the choice, seeing how he has potential and all the people around him supported him to join

but i think he wouldn't take up on the opportunity, mostly worried he won't be able to have any time for himself

like i said, ike is super passionate about writing and music so he's going to take all his time really immersing in that world

even outside college hours, he'll do personal projects and all that

so yeah, no to the student council and tutoring sessions if ike wasn't looking for the extra money

i do think he'll take a part time job tho! that's where he gets most of his money

librarian ike anyone? well it's obvious he'd work there.

he's an aural (audio), verbal (linguistic) and intrapersonal (solitary) learner

ike likes to record his professor's lectures and listen to them when he goes back home or while he's practicing his music. even for his literature studies, he usually sings out the things he needs to remember or listen to some music while studying to help him get in the mood

DEFINITELY THAT SUPER COOL DARK ACADEMIA STUDENT ALWAYS FOUND IN THE LIBRARY, HEADPHONES ON WITH A SIDE OF HIS FAVORITE DRINK AHHHHH

also bcs he does frequent the library, he meets this rly weird grey haired guy from criminology who goes there to "study" but ends up falling asleep.

now, what happens after he meets you? :3

i headcanon yall met during his tutoring sessions bet

while he would usually not let students ask for his time for a session, ike would make an exception for you

he'd push away all the other slots so whenever he does have a tutoring session, it's mostly with you

after building up the courage to finally ask you out, tutoring sessions became less and less with the other students

ike prioritizes his study dates with you

ALSO

since he is in the art field, it's very very clear you've become his muse throughout college (both literature and music)

whenever he gets a project to create something, he'll find a way to have it tie to you

especially for his final project

write a story?

you're the main character

compose an entire song?

you're the theme

no shortage of times where he reads out a poem/story or serenade his own songs to you during late night studying

you become his number one proofreader and critic for everything he creates since he trusts you a lot with it. ike would heavily appreciate it if you could give him honest feedback

if it's boring tell him! if it's too cringey, tell him!

ike can take the criticism since he wants to be a good producer one day <3

on the day he finishes his studies and he's called to give a speech for being valedictorian, this is the highlight line you'll forever remember:

"y/n will always be the reason why i'm here today and all the tomorrows. why i've achieved so many things and create stories and songs for everyone to enjoy. thank you so much, y/n, for staying by my side and i hope you continue to stay."

Shu Yamino 🔮✨

unfortunately modern day colleges don't have sorcery or black magic as majors :D

soooo shu would probably opt for computer sciences!

nerd shu poggers

would only take a bachelor's degree for this tho, but he's happy with where he is ^^

shu would much much like it if he stayed on the sidelines minding his own business, meaning he just doesn't wanna be popular. but it's kinda hard staying under the low with how skilled he is in his classes

honestly students just look up to him with how chill he is with his college life

sometimes they would even ask shu to be their partner in most projects since he's super reliable and good at what he does

he's known to be rly patient when teaching someone too so-

but don't get me wrong, shu will fucking now if someone is only taking advantage of his kindness and smarts

you don't wanna rly know what he can do to ruin your college career o.0

AnYwAY

the professors know who shu is and definitely appreciate him for helping out the students whenever possible, although his grades aren't always top of the class, his character and attitude makes up for it

shu would definitely like to join clubs outside his academics, say like the performing arts club

look i know but i can't stop thinking about shu joining the theatre club, just hanging out with a whole bunch of different kids. he likes making friends! plus he likes working backstage more

plays need a reliable technician like him after all

or if not performing arts, most likely an anime club if it was available lmao

unlike ike, he's not one to rly delve into his college life all the way back home. so once he's out of class, he's focusing on his non academic skills

besides clubs, there's a big chance shu works part time, preferably jobs that let him work at night since he has a rly bad sleep schedule.

the atmosphere is quiet too so he can take advantage and use it to study if it wasn't busy

a 24 hour store of some kind should be alright for shu, it doesn't have to be related to his major either

he's more of a interpersonal and visual learner i think

he likes studying with someone there with him like a study buddy since it makes it less boring. visual because he likes to doodle things so i have a feeling he illustrates something he finds hard to remember

also, of course studies only at night time if possible

because of his interpersonal type of learning, this was how you met him

you two were both looking for study buddies then through your friends, you guys met and agreed to study together

originally it was only for that one test you were super nervous of, but as you aced that one because of shu's help (his assignment flawless because he had you to it check over)

yeah you guys enjoyed each other's company and decided to go on more "study sessions" together

i think the way shu would confess to you would be that trend where you would make a program and you just click a ton of buttons saying how much he likes you

and then at the end there's a message box that asks you:

be mine?

with the choices being yes or yes 😭

you go to your next study session, now named study date!

for his final project, you were obligated to stay over at his place until he submitted it. he claims that his brain works more efficiently when you're there with him, plus he'll have a second pair of eyes that hasn't been glued to the same codes over and over again

when shu announced the results, he treated you to some sushi and an all you can eat barbeque for helping him graduate pretty much

with a full stomach, you and him are cuddling for the rest of the night until you felt like getting up

Masterlist!

[rainbowsky]

I just wanted to ask how can one recognise queerbaiting. Is "the Untamed" considered as queerbaiting? Is it more complicated because of China's stance towards anything lgbtq+? Could someone from the lgbtq community, someone who DOES NOT ship ggdd, call them out for queerbaiting? (I myself do not thing they are doing it). Regarding MDZS, danmei books are mostly made for the consumption of hetero girls. I myself identify as a straight girl. Is danmei considered damaging for the lgbtq+ community? How can one celebrate this community "correctly"? What are some books, movies and tv series that you would recommend? I mean no offence! 谢谢你！

Queerbaiting is a complicated topic, especially these days...

(Loooooong post ahead!)

Disclaimer: this is my own perspective on these issues. There are people who disagree with me. Ultimately it's up to everybody to form their own opinions on subjects like this, but these are my thoughts.

Let's start out by talking about what queerbaiting is and isn't.

What is queerbaiting?

Queerbaiting is when someone hints at queer themes or queer representation but never follows through on what's being implied.

It's most frequently understood as being about sexual or romantic relationships (two same-sex characters appearing to flirt or be attracted/in love and never getting together), but it can also apply to other forms of queer representation. For example, a story about bullying in schools that leads audiences to think LGBTQ issues will be a focus, but which never actually addresses those issues at all.

Most people narrow the definition to only include intentional queerbaiting aimed at reeling in LGBTQ audiences - aka a marketing ploy - but I see it in slightly broader terms.

Queerbaiting is heteronormativity in action

To me queerbaiting is the inevitable outcome of heteronormativity. When creators are so steeped in the heterosexual world and in homophobic socialization that they're completely oblivious and indifferent to the thoughts, feelings, experiences, needs and culture of queer audiences, they're going to create works that reflect that disregard. That can happen intentionally or unintentionally, but regardless of intent, the impact is the same.

I see it as a spectrum, where at one end you have creators who are heteronormative and clueless and unintentionally string queer audiences along, and at the other end you have the creators who cynically - sometimes even maliciously - bait queer audiences, with no intention of ever developing the queer subtext into an openly queer story or theme.

Someone at the 'intentional' end of the spectrum has a motive for wanting to bait queer audiences (usually marketing), so they intentionally write ambiguity into certain 'friendships' as a means of creating the perception of a queer story that they know all along isn't queer and will never be fulfilled as queer.

Someone at the 'unintentional' end of the spectrum might be so heteronormative and utterly out of touch with queerness as an aspect of life that they unconsciously block out any consideration for queer audiences or queer storytelling. They assume their audience is straight, and/or that their characters are going to be read as straight because they believe they are presenting them as straight.

Their lack of perspective on or sensitivity toward queer audiences means that they never consider their story from any other angle than the straight one they think they're creating, and that can lead to really unfortunate situations for queer audiences.

For example, a story where the narrative choices create a lot of tension between two same-sex characters in order to make the story more interesting, suspenseful, salacious or even humorous, but then in the end they find opposite-sex partners.

The queer audience gets drawn into that tension and excited about that relationship. It lands on them as an entirely queer storyline - not based on anything they're 'projecting onto the characters' or 'injecting into the story', but solely based on how what they've been presented with resonates with their own life experience. Only to find in the end that, astonishingly, the characters betray their apparent deep love for each other in order to turn to heteronormative lives.

Even though in such a scenario queerness might have been the farthest thing from the creator's mind, for all practical purposes they've strung queer audiences along and toyed with their feelings, only to slap them in the face with a cold dose of heteronormativity in the end.

I also feel that intentional inclusion of openly queer characters and relationships (that are fulfilled as openly queer) can become a weird form of queerbaiting in certain situations.

Sometimes a homophobic or oblivious creator will include overtly queer relationships or characters (because they want the attention and/or respect such inclusion provides them), only to make horrible things happen to those characters and relationships, either because the creator is homophobic, because they have an incredibly shallow understanding of queer relationships and issues, or because they want to sensationalize the suffering of queer people.

This type of 'representation' baits queer audiences into watching and even supporting something that ultimately is cringey and painful at best - brutal, misleading and outright hostile at worst. It is negative representation that has negative impacts on the queer community.

In such cases, there doesn't appear to be any sincere intention to include powerful queer representation, rather there's just a desire to reel in queer audiences or appeal to contemporary audiences with the laziest, most poorly handled stereotypical BS. The creator gets applauded as inclusive when really they don't GAF about queer issues and don't have a clue about queer people or relationships.

Queerbaiting leads to hostile experiences for queer people

Queer/friendly audiences are often bullied, maligned and ridiculed because of their experience of a work

Even when the queerbaiting is unintentional, it can be really destructive to queer audiences.

When a creator doesn't consider how their narrative choices might land on queer audiences, sometimes they are going to land on queer audiences as queer stories. However, those interpretations are almost never seen as legitimate by heteronormative audiences, particularly if the creator comes forward to state their work was never intended to be queer.

This is more serious than just a bit of disappointment or teasing. There are some pretty harsh social/cultural/interpersonal impacts on queer audiences when their interpretation of a relationship is believed to have been 'proved wrong'.

When queer audiences (and I keep saying 'queer audiences', but this also extends to straight LGBTQ-friendly audiences who take interest in the queer story) discuss what they believe to be sexual and/or romantic tension between two same-sex characters, they will often be mocked and attacked by heteronormative audiences.

This can get pretty nasty, to where the queer/friendly audience members are treated as disgusting perverts who are trying to inject something sexual into the story. They're often called out for being twisted or creepy, or for having a 'toxic attitude toward intimacy' (because they supposedly 'can't see two people being close without wanting to see them fuck').

This is because straight relationships are treated as inherently sweet and romantic, while queer relationships are treated as inherently sexual and perverse. The very act of saying, "I think that those two men are into each other" immediately marks the speaker as a creepy perv in the eyes of heteronormative people. (Which is so hateful I feel like my head is going to explode whenever I think about it).

The idea that queer/friendly audiences who are naturally, organically experiencing stories that they encounter as 'queer-coded' are somehow perverse, creepy or cringey is extremely homophobic. I can't possibly say this loudly enough.

This should be obvious to anyone who has ever watched a film or TV series with any straight person, and seen them wax poetic about how they hope certain characters get together. It's a totally normalized, socially acceptable pastime among entertainment fans. Almost never does that person get the side-eye for wanting love to bloom between a man and a woman.

Yet almost every single time a queer/friendly audience does the same exact thing, they're treated as pervy, creepy and cringey, or injecting something sexual into a sweet story.

Why? Because queer relationships are viewed as inherently wrong, creepy, sexual or perverse. More on that here (I'll link this post, like, 50 times here because it's so relevant to this discussion).

Representation is undermined

And I think it's important to consider what queerbaiting - intentional or otherwise - does to queer representation. It's not just a problem of 'not making space for queer stories', it's a problem of reinforcing heteronormativity so that queer stories seem fringe, perverse, unnatural, creepy and/or unrealistic. And this is an inevitable consequence of queerbaiting.

When stories seem to hint at queer relationships but instead the characters 'prove to be straight', that's not just a failure to provide queer representation, it's actually undermining queer representation by showing audiences that these types of relationships are undesirable, unrealistic or imagined. It reinforces the idea that straightness is the 'natural order' of things, and queerness is fringe, obscene and cringey.

When queer/friendly audiences get excited about a relationship or story they feel is queer-coded but then it's 'proved' not to be queer at all, it gives heteronormative people a socially acceptable way to target queer/friendly audiences with heteronormative, homophobic ideas and critiques, and to spread those same critiques to the broader straight world. Rejection of queer interpretations of a story often cross over into functioning as a rejection of queer relationships in general.

So queerbaiting isn't just a harmless prank played on queer audiences, it actually serves to 'confirm' and reinforce bigoted attitudes toward queerness - attitudes that are already deeply embedded in public perception. This can lead to less charitable perceptions of queer people and more hatred and suspicion toward queer people and relationships - the widespread serious negative impacts of which should already be well known.

Ultimately queerbaiting betrays the trust of devoted audiences, and turns the story against them in the end. It also frequently helps to turn heteronormative audiences against those queer/friendly audiences and gives them 'evidence', ammunition and cover to attack queer perspectives.

And it doesn't have to be intentional to have that impact.

What is NOT queerbaiting?

Queerbaiting isn't about individual people or their sexuality. This is one of the most outrageous, toxic things I've ever seen in my life, this notion lately that someone must reveal their sexuality in order to prove that they are worthy of participating in queer themes.

Fiction is fiction, a story that is invented in somebody's mind. Acting is acting, the portrayal of a character that is not oneself. By their very definition, these things can be created by and performed by literally anyone on the planet. Their sexuality doesn't matter, their race or religion doesn't matter, their gender identity doesn't matter.

The idea that somebody is somehow disqualified from performing in a work or creating a work simply because they're not from the same category as those described in the work or role is outrageous and offensive. We are talking about art. Acting is an art, fiction is an art, illustration is an art.

Representation matters, but representation isn't about outing people or about gatekeeping. Representation is about putting queer stories out there, not about shutting many of them down just because they don't tick off every box of 'ideal representation'.

A story should be critiqued and discussed on the merits and impact of that story, not based on the personal characteristics of the individuals creating it or bringing it to life.

Unless a story or cast is shown to be doing actual harm - say, someone playing a gay man who turns out to be deeply homophobic and actively campaigning against gay rights - then I don't think it's something we should be getting twisted up about.

Creative work is about self-discovery. It's a way for people to explore their thoughts and feelings and come to terms with who they are inside. Therefore participating in queer themes is frequently how people figure out that they're queer. Saying, "You aren't allowed to create queer works unless you are a consciously out queer person" would be unjust for that reason alone.

Everyone has the right to explore their creativity. Our evaluations should focus on the work and not on the individual.

Nothing About Us Without Us

However, it's also worthwhile to consider the maxim, "Nothing about us without us." It's a concept that highlights the importance of ensuring that a particular category of people is directly involved in the development of policies that impact them. For example, the development of laws or programs dealing with drug addiction should directly involve drug addicts in that process.

I think it's valuable to apply this concept more broadly in our lives. We could all stand to form our thoughts, feelings and ideas about others based on direct experience with those people, rather than hot takes we form online or via social osmosis.

If we want to create a work of fiction about a character or group from a particular category that we have no direct experience with, we have the option and ability to seek out those people and involve them in the process so that the story we create doesn't stigmatize, offend or marginalize the people we're writing about.

However, I feel strongly that art is art, and that type of approach is a best practice that no one is obligated to undertake. I feel strongly that creativity is a very personal process, and people have the right to explore whatever they want, however they want.

And yes that means running the risk that the work will suffer from major gaps in understanding, might offend or might even unintentionally cause harm, but it's the creator's risk to take and we shouldn't try to curb their process and force it into our value system, approach or guidelines.

There are best practices for handling representation for any marginalized or targeted group, and creators who live by those best practices are to be commended and supported, but there's no obligation for any creator to make representation a focus of their work (just as there is no obligation for marginalized groups to support creators who don't do so).

There are some exceptions, of course. Anything involving public policy, government or official communications, education, official documentation, business and employment situations, etc. etc. should always embody best practices in this regard.

I know there are people who vehemently disagree on all of this, and that's fine. These are complicated, emotionally and politically charged issues and there's a lot of nuance. Ideally we should be evaluating every work based on its own merits and impacts.

Was The Untamed queerbaiting?

I don't believe The Untamed was queerbaiting, not even unintentionally. They actually took great risks to tell as much of a queer story as they possibly could given the restrictions they were working within. And those restrictions have only gotten tighter and tighter. There's no way they could get away with telling the same story in today's climate in China.

The story was based on a BL novel, so it had queerness at its root. It's also clear based on discussions that take place in the BTS between cast and crew that the production was intentionally queer. The director and crew refer to the couple as a couple, refer to 'their love' etc., so it was never meant to be a 'friendship'.

There were many clever devices used to highlight the romance between LWJ and WWX.

One of the smartest was the downplaying of romance between straight characters. We never see a straight couple doing something that we don't also see LWJ and WWX doing. The wedding happens off camera, yet we see LWJ and WWX do their bows on camera. There's never a kiss or any kind of PDA between straight characters, yet we see LWJ and WWX in each other's arms throughout the series.

We also see a gay kiss in the show.

Also straight-up GAY SEX.

Straight characters have a child? No problem, so do LWJ and WWX, and we get to see them together as a family a lot more than we get to see the straight families.

Anyway, I'm not here to outline everything that was done to queer-code the relationship. That would be a whole other post. The main point is, The Untamed is anything but queerbaiting. The intent was there to tell a queer story, and that queer story was told. Exceptionally, beautifully. The fact that they did so under such extreme limitations is to be commended.

Of course it would have been wonderful if we would have been able to see them married and have their relationship be more open than it was, but I have no complaints.

Now, that doesn't mean there isn't potential for some of the problems I outlined earlier to impact some audiences/individuals.

For example, there are people who completely miss the queer subtext and come away thinking it was a friendship story.

That's just part of life. Some people are so steeped in heteronormativity that queerness isn't one of their available interpretations no matter what is shown to them on the screen. Surely you know what I mean. The sort of people who genuinely believe their 60 year old uncle has had the same male 'roommate' for 25 years, who goes everywhere with him and appears in an annual holiday photo-card with him and the dog. 😅

So it's likely that there are queer/friendly viewers out there who do see the queer relationship and end up having those kinds of frustrating, often painful 'you're imagining things' 'you're a pervert' conversations about The Untamed with the heteronormative people around them.

There are also some Western audiences who might feel ripped off that we never actually see their relationship acknowledged openly.

However, that's not something that can be helped. If The Untamed had been even a fraction more overt about things, it would never have passed censorship or seen the light of day (or else it would have been eventually removed from streaming platforms when restrictions were tightened).

We got a beautiful queer love story told as openly as was possible under the circumstances.

But was it unintentional queerbaiting? No. They set out to tell a queer story, and every aspect of the narrative was shaped to tell it as openly as they could.

What are the ethics around BL content and LGBTQ issues?

This couldn't possibly be simpler: Don't be queerphobic.

If you want to consume BL content, if you want to read about men fucking each other, if you enjoy creative works focused around men falling in love and getting married, if your heart swells at the thought of two men being soft for each other, even if you enjoy them doing perverse sexual things to each other, impregnating each other, etc. etc. etc. there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

However, while you're enjoying all that hot guy on guy action, it would behoove you to learn about and support LGBTQ rights, history, issues, etc.

Those are actually two entirely separate things: 1] enjoying gay smut/romance and 2] supporting queer identities. The only reason they ever get mixed up is because of ignorance - either on the part of the audience or on the part of the queer community, or both.

Where queer people fail on this

Queer people are frequently misinformed about the nature of BL, and taught to fear it or view it as exploitative by people who have one or more goals in mind:

Weaponizing the queer community toward shutting down, marginalizing and eliminating BL content. Perversely these people are often motivated by homophobia, yet they're all too happy to mobilize the queer community in trying to eliminate or demonize what they view as deviant queer content.

Spreading and reinforcing misogynistic ideas about BL creators and audiences in an attempt to disempower the (usually female) creators and undermine the often subversive, anti-patriarchal points of view represented in these works. Heck, just the existence of self-published creative works by women for women, just the existence of sexually explicit material by women for women is subversive in pretty much every part of the world. It's not an accident that an entire genre of fiction/literature/art that started out as primarily by women, for women, is treated with such intense hatred, suspicion and moral outrage. As long as BL is treated as fringe and cringe, this massive culture, this massive genre can continue to be marginalized, and these women will be forced to go through male-dominated industries to bring their work to a wider publishing or TV/film audience, and all the profits, power and editorial decisions can be quietly skimmed away from them in the process.

Because most people will accept ideas - especially inflammatory ones - without doing even the most basic analysis, these agendas are easily spread through queer communities, arts and entertainment communities, business and publishing, government, etc. etc. etc.

But I want to make this clear:

There is absolutely nothing queer-friendly or LGBTQ-supportive about attacking or demonizing BL creators and audiences.

Quite the contrary. These attacks actually harm the queer community in the long run, because the popularity of BL has ultimately had an overall positive effect on queer rights. The popularization of these stories has helped normalize queer relationships in the public eye, has brought queer issues into greater focus and discussion, has led to popular BL actors pushing for queer rights, etc. etc. etc.

And let's not forget that - contrary to popular misconception - queer audiences enjoy these works as well. Especially in regions where there's not as much access to queer culture/art/content.

And let's not ignore the fact that many of the creators are queer. Just go back to my point about "What is NOT Queerbaiting?" above for all the reasons why it would be utter BS to try to prevent someone from creating/exploring these works.

So yes, the queer community can be woefully misinformed about the nature of BL.

Where BL audiences fail on this

And as I stated earlier, BL audiences and creators are often also badly misinformed. Many of them labor under their own misconceptions about queerness and about queer relationships. It's not particularly uncommon for someone to be deeply into BL and yet vehemently against queer rights IRL.

However, that doesn't automatically make the work or the genre homophobic or immoral.

Heteronormativity/queerphobia is part of the air we breathe in this world. Every one of us is infected with some incorrect or bad ideas around these issues, it's just inevitable that we will be. BL creators and audiences aren't immune.

But that's not an issue with the genre, it's a societal issue. The only antidote to that is good old-fashioned personal development. Everyone needs to do the work to become more aware, more compassionate and more sensitive to LGBTQ rights and issues. Pulitzer prize winners and everyone who writes for the Wall Street Journal just as much as the authors of BL.

Being better than all that

If you want to 'consume BL ethically', all you need to do is just enjoy it. There's nothing unethical about it.

If you want to 'celebrate the community correctly' then the best thing you can do is become actively informed on queer history, queer issues and queer rights. It's not enough to 'decide' you want to support the community. You have to put your money where your mouth is and learn, and connect with queer people and causes IRL, in your community and around the world.

In the immortal words of David Wong, "What you are inside only matters because of what it makes you do."

It's not enough to feel empathy or concern. You have to put those feelings into action. The starving feral cat population doesn't GAF that you shed a tear for them over your tea this morning. It doesn't give them a meal or rid them of fleas. You have to get out there and put your feelings into real, tangible action or else your feelings aren't much more than a form of self-gratification. They do nothing for anyone except you.

So if you genuinely care about queer people and causes, get out there and do the work. We can always use another pair of hands.

The Death of the Author

Alongside all of this, I'd like to remind everyone to think for themselves and form their own ideas.

I encourage everyone to enjoy art on their own terms and in their own way. Don't get hung up on 'what was intended'. Often intent is not explicit, or explicitly understood even by the creator. People frequently create works that have unexpected or unintended meanings and interpretations. Once a work is out there in the world, it becomes part of the cultural zeitgeist of that era, and will be viewed through that lens.

I think it's also important to remember - because this isn't talked about nearly enough and people are misled on this stuff -

Everyone has their own personal internal experience of creative works, and that experience is always valid.

We each bring our own background of knowledge, life experience, sociocultural conditioning, biases, drives, needs, expectations, thoughts and feelings to every piece of creative work we consume. We see everything through our eyes. It can never be any other way. Even things that are representations of other people's perspectives will be filtered through our own perspectives, and our understanding will be heavily influenced by that.

Therefore, we really shouldn't take other people's perspectives as the yardstick we try to measure our own interpretations by. Rather than pick one perspective (who would choose, and how would they decide which one?) and force everyone into that same box, it's far better and far more enriching to enjoy a broad variety of perspectives, and share and exchange ideas openly with others.

Ultimately a creator's intentions are just another interpretation of the work. They come through the same biases and expectations and influences as everyone else.

Creative works show a lot about the time and place and heart and mind they were created in. This is part of why creative work is emotionally/psychologically challenging and risky, because creators end up showing a lot more of who they are than they intended. Whether they are aware of it or not. Whether they were aware of what was inside of them or not.

Often the audience's interpretation vastly improves on a creative work and makes it into something much more sophisticated than what the creator had in mind. People frequently read much more depth and complexity into a work than the creator ever consciously attempted/intended to put there, or they bring out of it what they feel inspired by and leave the rest to the side.

Interpretation is itself a creative act.

All of this to say - a work isn't defined by what the creator intended. The audience plays an active role - consciously or unconsciously - in defining what it is.

A work created with the intent to erase or avoid any aspect of queerness can be transformed through interpretation into something deeply meaningful and inspiring to queer people. A work intended to be a murder mystery about coal miners can end up becoming a religious text. Etc. etc. That's the beauty of art.

So if The Untamed was a queer story to you, then it's a queer story regardless of what production intended it to be, and if someone views it as a brotherhood story then that's what it is to them - despite the fact that production intentionally created a queer story.

For more on this, I recommend reading about the death of the author and applicability, and overall just digging more into literary criticism because these are things that have been discussed a lot by people more experienced and knowledgeable on the subject than me.

Never let someone else try to tell you who you are or what you are about

I just want to wrap this up by stating something I've said before, but I feel is incredibly important for every human on the planet to understand, both for their own well-being and for the well-being of their relationships: Never let someone else try to tell you who you are or what you are about.

Borrowing from my past post:

I have said this before a few times, but it always bears repeating; we should always be very careful about whose perspectives we take to heart. Not everybody is acting in good faith, and not everybody is acting out of self-awareness and kindness. There are people who are trying to cut you down.

Some of them feel small, and cutting other people down makes them feel bigger. Some people are just full of rage and want to 'burn it all down’. Some people have simply learned toxic things, and that is their belief system and they will try to teach it to you as well. Especially in fandom, there are also quite a few people who easily feel rejected, and who can sometimes respond in a feral way that can be extremely vicious and hurtful.

It’s extremely important to always 'consider the source’, and to think about what people are saying and what it tends to make you feel, and think about what those feelings inspire you to do or not do. Does any of it actually align with your values? Are these things that enrich your life and make you feel empowered and enlightened, or are they things that diminish you and make you feel ashamed, powerless and humiliated?

Even when there is some truth to what people say, it’s not ever the whole truth. Especially if you’ve never met them before. They have no special insight into who you are and how you operate.

As I often say, "Everything we do, say and think can only ever be a reflection of ourselves. It can never be about anyone else."

People will have feedback for us in our lives, and if we value inclusivity, kindness and personal accountability then constructive feedback is something to be grateful for - something to self-reflect on and use as a stepping stone toward becoming a better person.

At the same time, we need to be able to discern honest, good-faith feedback or critique from personal attacks, bullying and slander.

Even when we get good-faith feedback, it's up to us to decide where we are at in our lives and how capable we are of taking on new burdens or digging into our guts to find darkness to work through.

We are never obligated to navel-gaze or grow or change just because it's convenient for others that we do so on their schedule and in their way. This is something we should do on our own terms and at our own pace, when we are ready and have the resources to do so.

I feel like these days everyone is pointing fingers at each other and trying to peer pressure each other into participating in some sort of 'wokeness Olympics', and condemning anyone who doesn't represent their external idea of ideological purity. This isn't how personal development and self-actualization works.

Only we can know what is in our hearts, and it is up to us to ensure that we are behaving and expressing ourselves in ways that reflect our core values. That takes personal development work, self-reflection and personal accountability. No one else can dictate the terms, scope or timing of any of that.

As I said earlier, it's not enough to believe you're not homophobic, it's not enough to want to be inclusive. You don't become so just by wanting to be. That process involves a lot of conscious effort to deprogram oneself from social conditioning, cultural biases, etc. etc. and takes time and conscious, dedicated effort. The same goes for racism, sexism, classism and all the other bigotries we live with.

Take that work on your own terms and at your own pace. Don't ever let someone try to force you into their sociocultural work camp. There are no shortcuts, and there is no wrong or right way to grow. Do what's best for you and your needs, and what aligns with your values and the kind of person you want to be.

Avoid deflection

Most of us have privilege* in some form or another. One of the most frustrating things about privilege is that it renders the struggles of others entirely invisible to us. So when we get valid, good-faith feedback about something we said or did, often that will land on us as an unfair insult rather than the valid critique it is.

I'm sure all of us have witnessed situations where someone pointed out racism, sexism or homophobia and everyone around the speaker has attacked them for "calling that person a racist, sexist or homophobe" rather than actually address the racism, sexism or homophobia being pointed out. It also sometimes takes the form of, "I'm sure they didn't mean to be (racist, sexist, homophobic)."

This is total crazy-making behavior, but it's incredibly common. If you haven't noticed this, watch for it. You will be amazed at how this comes up almost every single time an issue is pointed out.

What is happening here?

Well, when someone in a position of privilege is critiqued, it's their natural inclination and the natural inclination of everyone around them, to move to maintain the status quo. Saying, "A person in power here has done something wrong" is a socially subversive act, and those interested in maintaining conformity and social norms will jump in to try to regain the upper hand.

They (we) do this totally unconsciously.

So if someone says, "That joke was homophobic." the immediate reaction of those around will be, "He didn't mean anything by it!" or "You're calling him a homophobe!" (as though calling someone a homophobe is somehow worse than behaving in a homophobic way).

I get this all the time on my blog, when I point out homophobic ideas and people write in to assure me they are queer (even though queer people can be just as homophobic as everyone else), or to bitch me out for the horrible sin of 'calling them homophobic'.

Everyone could stand to learn the distinction between pointing out a behavior or idea, and calling a person a name. If I say a joke is homophobic, I am calling the joke homophobic, not the joke-teller. That might seem like hair-splitting but it's actually a really important distinction to make, because that misconception often becomes a deflection tactic among people who don't want to take accountability for their mistakes.

Even when someone DOES call us the thing, it's important to not get wrapped up in what we were just called, and instead look at what the person is trying to tell us about the social power dynamics currently in play, and our role in perpetuating oppression.

Not everyone is eloquent and articulate and fully capable of explaining why they are hurt by something. They might even be hurt enough to say something in a nasty way. If we take the focus off their pain and make ourselves into the victim it might make us feel better, but it doesn't make us a better person.

In fact, the only reason we're able to do that is because we are in a position of power or privilege, and are shamelessly flexing that power and privilege to escape accountability.

All this to say: we should always try to examine our impact on others, and work to try to identify and correct any power imbalances we are unknowingly (or knowingly) benefiting from.

*Privilege is when we don't see something as a problem, because it's not a problem for us. For example, not thinking there's a problem with the design of a restaurant because we aren't able to see it through the eyes of someone in a wheelchair.

Becoming an ally takes time

It's important to have realistic expectations going into this type of work. This work takes time, learning takes time, becoming a better person takes time. It takes conscious effort and a lot of trial and error. Mistakes will happen. Be patient and don't overreact when something goes wrong. Apologize, correct and move on.

Understand that if you are oblivious, queer people will respond accordingly. That is a matter of survival. Queer people are very often 'life-and-death' serious about who they trust. Don't take it personally. Trust has to be earned.

Resources

At this point in history, you have to be actively avoiding useful resources in order to not trip over them everywhere you go. They are all over the place. It's impossible to miss them. So no one really needs my advice on where to look. Just look.

But my best advice is to always connect with the people you are trying to repair things with. If you want to overcome racism, connect with racialized people. If you want to decolonize, connect with indigenous people. If you want to become a better queer ally, then connect with queer people.

And part of 'doing the work' is doing the work of finding resources that resonate with the areas you most need to work on. For example, if your ideas about queer people came from a religious group, you might have a particular need to find resources that specifically address the ideas or harms presented by that group.

Joining legitimate, queer-led LGBTQ ally groups is an excellent place to start. PFLAG is a group I highly recommend. There is a chapter in almost every corner of the globe.

And don't just stick to one resource or group. You will learn more by exploring multiple perspectives and multiple groups.

Other organizations that have excellent resources:

PFLAG

GLAAD

Human Rights Campaign

The Trevor Project

National Center for Transgender Equality

These are just a few to get you started. Every major queer rights organization has their own info on these topics. Some are better than others, and all give a fuller picture.

I'm not suggesting that you have to become an activist to be an ally. There are plenty of queer people who do not have time or space in their lives to do that, let alone straight people. However, it's pretty difficult to have a healthy viewpoint on or relationship to a particular group of people, if you have no exposure to or connection with them in your life. It's pretty difficult to unravel our biases when we don't have support and feedback from those impacted by them.

If you or anyone else has a specific question or needs help finding a particular type of resource feel free to contact me.

I know I've covered a lot of ground here, and touched on a lot of different topics. Hopefully this gives you some food for thought when reflecting on this issue and all the ways it might come up in your life.

[imthepunchlord]

The whole system for the Miraculous is wonky as hell and much of the writing feels like they're still on that whole Good/Bad Luck concept from the show's planning stage. LB's power is literally Lucky Charm, and the symbolism of Ladybugs are good luck symbols not creation symbols. Same with the Black Cat symbolism (though the Miraculous borrow from Chinese culture and Black Cats are good luck symbols in China) I'd be more than willing to wager that the Peacock and Butterfly were concepted out before the change and no one went "Hey shouldn't we change the peacock"

Originally there was no Peacock. They were planning to do Bagua instead of Wu Xing. So a couple of miraculous from concepts were able to make it in.

But yeah, I have a growing list of what I noticed to be concepts that got changed, but weren't fully implemented to match those changes, so it's like they're still working off those old concepts despite the changes and it's not working as well, at least, how they're going about things.

As you mentioned, yeah, there's still the Good-Bad Luck theme going on (which both animals are European exclusive in terms of lucky view, an unlucky animal in Chinese should've been an Owl or Wolf).

Marinette's Luck and Tikki's treatment of her.

Now older concept Marinette was a lot more problematic. She was invasive of Felix's company and would try to force kisses on him. She also used her good luck powers selfishly, which brought bad luck as consequences. So being more pushy with her interest and being more selfish, it warrants Tikki to be criticizing and more questioning of Marinette and her choices.

Marinette now though is very selfless and considerate of others, and hardly ever abuses her power or use it selfishly. Despite the changes to her character, she still suffers a lot of bad luck (much of it played for comedy which sometimes goes too far), and Tikki is very criticizing/nitpicky of Marinette's choices and actions.

2. Chat still pursuing LB despite the clear no

Felix still pursued LB despite the clear no because he was cursed with bad luck. His actions aren't ok, but you get his reasoning on why he still tries.

Adrien though is curse free, still pursues LB despite the clear no and its because he really wants to be with her and is trying to wear her down and is dismissing her answer and feelings. That's not good.

3. Hawk Moth and His Son

Felix actually was not HM's son. Between that and him not having a desire to be a hero, it made sense why Felix wouldn't actively look for HM. He doesn't have that close connection nor did he have that drive.

Adrien is HM's son, and he has that close connection and could get that plot moving. And yet 5 seasons now, Adrien is none the wiser. It's a weird placement where they know he is HM's son, but they're also acting like Chat still isn't his son so has no reason to look into HM and discover things and get this plot moving.

4. The Slow Slow Slow Slow Slow Slow Slow Civilian Side Burn

When it was Felix and Marinette, he couldn't stand her (understandably) so he avoided her while she makes all the effort to try and get closer with him. It's understandable why the civilian side of things would be slow going.

Now, Adrien is friendlier and does like Marinette, and she still makes a lot of effort to confess to him and get closer with him. But it fails or goes nowhere, which just sets up this impression that she is far under his radar. And introducing Kagami didn't help cause you could pass off him being too blind/set on LB, but Kagami shows that he can notice other girls, so Marinette just isn't a romantic option. I do hear they finally reversed the LS in s5 but it feels way too late.

5. Marinette and her Parents

Earliest concept of Marinette actually had her coming home finding her father dead. And I didn't see much else of her having parents or them talked about. And given that Marinette is written to be independent, self-reliant, hardly turns to adults for help and advise, and seems to turn to Tikki as a mentor; to me it seems that Marinette's parents were just never meant to be in the picture or factored in. Mindful, I think Marinette was originally meant to be college age. If she and Chat Noir were always meant to be a romantic pair, well, there is no way this Chat is a young teenager.

Either way, she now officially has parents, but they are hardly in her life, she never really turns to them for help and advise like a 13 yo should, and she's still incredibly independent. Mostly, she turns to Tikki for help and advise. At It's almost like her parents aren't there.

This way of writing how uninvolved and absent her parents are, it could be a left of to them possibly being dead, or it could be a left over from the earliest thought that Marinette was going to be older and not need them around as much. They made a change, but it's not fully implemented, especially with Marinette confirmed to be 13 at the start of the show. I don't know how much independence 13 yos in France get, but I'd expect they still rely on their parents quite a bit.

So, this is my list of things I noticed that were changed concepts, but they didn't fully change everything to really make it work, and it feels like they're still working off those old concepts despite making changes. Or they're just trying to have their cake and eat it to. They do that a lot.

[jakesimfromstatefarm]

notoriously yours | jay park

✰ summary: jay park is a rich kid. it’s safe to say he has everything every broke college student on his campus could dream of and more. but the one thing he doesn’t have, which money definitely can’t buy, is a girlfriend. and his friends won’t see of it. literally.

so what happens when his friends bet him to date someone for more than three months? what happens when jay decides that fake-dating someone would be easier than actual dating (because god forbid Jay–the campus’ notoriously known fuckboy–decides to commit to something once in his life)?

and what happens when that someone is you, his childhood best friend he hasn’t spoken to in years..who has absolutely no interest in being in his life anymore?

✰ pairing: jay park x y/n [ft. members of enha]

✰ genre: fluff, comedy, angst | fakedating!au, college!au, childhoodbestfriends!au, (kinda) e2l!au

✰ warnings: cursing, nothing suggestive but jay's a fuckboy so slightly suggestive themes, mentions of parental neglect/leaving, it's hella long (and i thought my last fic was long)

✰ wc: 14.7k (how did i get it this long oh lord)

✰ author's note: picture creds go to original owners/editors! peep that edit of jay that lowkey inspired this entire fic 👀also this took me so, so long bc i lost motivation half way thru and bc college is a thing,,,so i honestly don't know how to feel abt it so pls bare with me :')))) ALSO the dividers are weird bc idk how to add more than 10 pics for the dividers so pls excuse those ٩(× ×)۶i hope u guys enjoy!! <333

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Jay Park is a rich kid.

Jay Park has enough to buy every textbook he needs for his courses without having to look up the free versions online. Jay Park has enough to bribe his professors to let him pass every class with a perfect 4.0 GPA (but because the boy has morals, he doesn't). Jay Park has enough to afford a car to drive to his furthest class from his dorm building instead of walk or bike like every other college student, meaning he also has enough to afford a parking spot on campus (those things aren't cheap!).

Jay Park walks around your school's campus like he owns the place (and considering the amount of money his family has donated to the school, he practically does), looking like he just walked out of your local coffee shop's newest fashion magazine. His blonde hair is never seen untouched, his attire usually consisting of an undoubtedly high-end all-black fit, accessorized with multiple earrings and rings that probably cost more than all the overpriced textbooks you had to rent out this semester. It's safe to say that everyone knows Jay Park.

Bottom line is, Jay Park has everything.

Well, his friends beg to differ.

In their eyes, Jay Park has everything but a simple factor in the equation of love (or whatever love is to the minds of a couple of 19 year olds): commitment.

So yes, it's safe to say that everyone knows Jay Park. Because everyone knows he's the campus' rich fuckboy. (What's a college fanfic campus without one anyways?)

Jay doesn't go unreminded of this by his friends, to the boy's annoyance.

Jay is aware of this on a Sunday afternoon, in his dorm building's first floor lounge, where he and his said friends are having a study session.

They're doing anything but studying.

In fact, no one has any books out or anything. Not a single laptop in site.

"You don't think it's the slightly bit concerning?" Jake's words are muffled as he continues munching on the fried chicken that he spent majority of this study session debating if he should have it delivered through UberEats or not.

"I really don't, no," Jay shrugs as he continues mindlessly scrolling through his Instagram feed. They're having the same argument conversation that they've revisited multiple times over the course of their friendship, one that Jay has been lectured on too many times for his own good. He thinks his friends could become his new parents if they really tried.

"Look at it this way, okay. You're about to graduate college in a couple of years, into the big world. Like the actual, adult world. And that means you'll have to settle down. Which you can't do when you. have. no. commitment!" Jake punctuates each word with a single clap of his hands, desperate to get his point across.

Jay simply rolls his eyes. He looks over to Sunghoon, who's minding his own business, not bothered by the same topic he's heard over and over again. His eyes tell Jay you're on your own, in response to his blonde-haired friend's look of despair.

Jay thinks that maybe he should get new friends. Yes, that's the only solution here.

"My love life," Jay reaches across the table for a drumstick from the greasy tub seated in Jake's lap until Jake swats his hand away, "is none of your business. Also, ouch."

"Uh, it kinda is. Because of you and your reputation around campus, it kinda affects us, your best friends. How do you think we look, hanging out with the guy who's known to ghost every girl in existence after one night with them? No offense to you," Jake deadpans to him. Jay mentally reconsiders the term best friends.

Tough love. Jay tells himself it's tough love.

"Yes, because every girl totally hates Jake Sim, the teacher assistant of a physics class who volunteers at the pet shelter every Sunday and brings their pet golden retriever to campus every two weeks," Jay rolls his eyes at his Australian friend.

Jake sighs. "Okay, then I'm coming from a place of worry for you."

Jay groans. "Again, none of your business!" This doesn't stop Jake. He comes from good intentions, really, but Jay wants nothing more than to stuff the kid's mouth with some of that chicken to shut him up.

"What are you gonna do if one day you meet someone you like, genuinely like, and you screw yourself over because you've never been in an actual relationship before? A real, committed one. Like one that lasts at least three months."

"You don't think I can last three months in a relationship?" Jay questions the boy currently taunting him.

"Honestly? No. What's the longest relationship you've been in?" Jake cocks an eyebrow at his friend across from him.

One month and two weeks. But Jay's smart enough to not say that out loud.

"I can so last over three months," Jay mutters more to himself than Jake.

Jake laughs at that, pausing to take another bite of the drumstick in his hand. "Jay, I am willing to actually bet you. Bet that you wouldn't be able to." He leans back on the couch, the ball now in Jay's court.

Jay freezes, looking up from his phone, narrowing his eyes at Jake.

"Forget it, Jake. He's not gonna agree even if you offered him money," Sunghoon finally perches from beside him. Well he's not wrong. It's not like Jay is exactly in need of more money, per say.

"What kind of bet are we talking here?"

Sunghoon's right. Jay doesn't need the money, but he does hate being wrong. Even if it's over something as stupid as this matter.

Caught off guard by the blonde's answer, Jake blinks blankly at him and takes a second to think.

"Hmm..what about...what about if you can date someone for at least three months, and I mean an actual, committed relationship, then I'll do all of your physics homework next semester."

Jay's eyes sparkle at that. If there's anything he despises more than commitment, it's physics.

"And if I win, you have to buy all of my textbooks," Jake sits back from the edge of his seat with a smirk lying on his face.

Jay pauses to think about it. I mean, what does he have to lose? A couple hundred dollars over college textbooks? No. Because he just simply won't lose.

And maybe he'll learn what it'll be like to actually be in a committed relationship for once. Maybe he'll finally learn what it's like to actually devote yourself to someone, open up to them. He shivers at the thought. Never mind. He'll warm up to it. Baby steps.

Nonetheless, what could go wrong? Even if he does lose, at least his money would be going somewhere productive––towards his friend's education. Jay was probably gonna use that money on something useless like a blanket that resembles a tortilla (a burrito blanket, he calls it)––something he doesn't necessarily need, but must have, he would argue.

"Fine. Whatever, okay. Deal," he grabs Jake's extended hand in front of him and shakes on it.

Jake's impressively smiling at the boy as Sunghoon lets out a sigh, in disbelief with the two guys he calls his best friends.

Jay concludes that this will be easier than his Introduction to Photography 101 course he took his freshman year. How hard is it to find someone to date the Jay Park? Surely, everyone will be lining up once Jay switches his FaceBook relationship status from "it's complicated" to "single".

Turns out, it's not as easy as his class where all Jay had to do was take pictures of a pretty sunset, slap a VSCO filter on, and call it a day.

He comes to this realization on a Wednesday evening, as he's seated at one of the many study tables lined in the middle of the campus' library, staring down at his phone's dry iMessage app, with his laptop and blank sheets of scratch paper scrambled across the entire table, as an attempt to look half as studious as the other students studying in the facility.

Turns out, being known as the campus' fuckboy who ghosts every girl on campus isn't a good thing when it comes to wanting to find a real relationship.

He comes to this realization after failing to receive a single text back to the many ones he sent out throughout the first half of his day. The ghoster gets ghosted. Oh how the turn tables.

Jay groans dramatically as he tosses his phone on the hard surface of the table, earning himself a harsh shush from the librarian filing books in the aisle beside him.

He sheepishly smiles back as an apology, directing his attention back to his open laptop screen, where his untouched calculus homework stares back at him––his mind preoccupied with the looming threat of Jake's bet. Not that it was threatening in any way, per say, but Jay just hates losing. And from the looks of things, it's safe to say that Jay won't be celebrating any victories anytime soon.

Jay thinks he should just change his identity and just transfer to some boarding school in Switzerland. Yes, that's a much better solution than admitting defeat to Jake.

Jay sighs as he lies his head on the table, figuring he might as well just write the check for Jake's textbooks now. He wonders how he got here in the first place. Not how he got into the bet, and definitely not how he's sitting in the middle of the library, having yet to start his calculus homework due at 11:59PM tonight (he should really start that).

But no, he wonders how he gained the reputation as the campus' playboy. To be fair, his friends (mainly Jake), are constantly reminding him of his notorious habits. But how did they come a habit in the first place?

The idea of being in a relationship is nice, sure, but the commitment that comes with it? The idea of being dependent on someone? It's scary, vulnerable, and one that Jay can't picture for himself.

Maybe some people just aren't meant to be paired. Maybe some people, like Jay, like being independent and are meant to stay that way.

But Jay also likes affection. He likes the fleeting, warm feeling he gets every time he finds himself under someone's sheets. He likes the short-lived comfort he receives from someone else's touch, even though he knows it's going to cease to exist the second he steps out of those bedroom's doors. He just likes affection, simple as that.

That and he's a 19 year old teenage boy with needs, what did you expect?

And so what if he likes the idea of affection minus commitment? Is that so bad? Apparently it is, to people like his friends and the entirety of his school's campus, at least.

At this rate, he might as well pay someone to date him.

Wait. Jay lifts his head off the table's surface in realization.

He might as well pay someone to date him.

There's no harm in that, is there?

He wouldn't have to endure through an endless amount of dates to find someone he clicks with, then continue going on dates with said clicked person, all while trying to develop an actual, serious relationship.

He'll win the bet, get his physics homework done for an entire semester, and some lucky girl out there will be making profit for the small price of hanging out with Jay Park for three months.

And lucky for him, Jay knows the perfect candidate for this scheme.

Simple as that.

Just as long as said perfect candidate says yes.

And as long as Jake and Sunghoon don't find out. Or else Jay might really have to move to Switzerland after all.

You love your friends, you do.

Hana and Heeseung have been there for you when others haven't––they were by your side when you knew no one entering high school, and they were still by your side when you were all graduating said high school. Needless to say, you're eternally grateful for friends like them.

But right now, in this moment––with you seated in the middle of the campus' library, trying to write your essay, as your two friends blabber on and on about the most recent gossip across from you––your two friends could be your villain origin story.

But again, you love your friends, you do. So you don't have the heart to tell them to leave. You've managed to naturally tune out most of the conversation, anyways, for this––your friends coming to hang out while you're trying to study––is no rare occurrence by any means.

"Oh yeah, Jay Park texted me last night."

You hate how your brain's filter suddenly turns off at Hana's words.

You hate how your ears catch the sudden mention of Jay Park's name.

You hate how the thought of Jay Park gets to even occupy a single brain cell of yours.

You hate how you even know who Jay Park is. Well, knew.

Past tense. Because up until eighth grade––when Jay decided to just suddenly pretend you didn't exist––he was attached to you like a koala to a eucalyptus tree.

And if you had asked past Y/N, ideally, Jay would've never left your side. Ideally, he would've never left you to fend for yourself when entering high school. Ideally, he would've stayed your best friend through out all four years of high school and ideally, you would've eventually told him how you really felt about him after growing up with him all your life. And maybe it would've lead to a completely different story. But for the sake of this fic, we don't live in an ideal world.

So yes, if it wasn't for his attendance at the very same university as you, you would've forgotten about the boy who brought you the painful memories of your childhood.

And since the universe clearly doesn't work in your favor, avoiding Jay Park's existence like he's the plague would have to suffice. And it works.

For the most part.

Until some people, bring him up uninvited into your conversation. Like now, for example.

"When was the last time you guys talked anyways?" Heeseung mindlessly asks as he reaches across the table to grab one of the many snacks you usually bring to your study sessions.

"Uh..like a few weeks ago. Give or take. Whenever you threw your house party. Can't say there was much talking involved however," she teasingly says with a giggle and wiggle of her brows.

Heeseung's rolling his eyes as you scoff and chuck a nearby crumpled piece of paper that was once one of your many essay drafts at her.

She bats it away right as it's about to hit her face as she laughs. "Doesn't matter anyways. He ghosted me the next morning, as he does with everyone else. Telling you this now," she extends a finger right at you, "stay away from Jay Park. That kid's just bad news."

You nod in response, mentally telling her she has nothing to worry about.

Been there, done that.

College. Ah yes, the very concept of spending four years of your life imprisoned on a campus where you'll be tearing your hair out from stress and spending all your life's savings just for a laminated sheet of paper with a golden stamp at the end of it all. We live in a society.

Because of said college, and all the weight that comes along with it, you had adapted a strict daily schedule in order to not completely lose your mind. It's a simple schedule really, one of a typical college student who's just trying to get by everyday with as little mental breakdowns as possible.

Wake up, get ready, go to class, go to the library to do your homework, walk all the way across campus to get back to your dorm, shower, then sleep. Oh and eat, of course. And maybe if time permits, be an actual social being and socialize.

It's gotten you this far into the college life without dropping out so, you conclude, you must be doing something right.

Sometimes, if you're feeling nice to yourself, you'll tweak the schedule a bit to fit in some exceptions. Maybe squeeze in a little trip to the bubble tea shop that's on the other side of campus, or maybe get dinner at that one dining hall that you don't usually go to because of the unncessarily long lines (but because they serve ice cream, you go anyways). It doesn't matter what the exception is, you still plan it out to fit into your schedule somehow. Everything is planned out.

Sometimes, however, the universe disagrees with your schedule, to your demise. Such as today, for example.

Because what you didn't expect for today was for a particular blonde-haired boy who you haven't spoken to in almost six years (but who's counting?) to approach your table in the library––a table you were sure no one could find you at, as it was quietly tucked away in the back corner, right next to the Astrophysics shelves. Because who browses the Astrophysics aisle for fun? Actually, maybe Jake Sim would. Anyways.

You definitely didn't anticipate a visit from the boy you've been actively avoiding, so you definitely didn't expect the first words coming out of his mouth when he sees you for the first time in six years to be:

"Fake date me."

You blink up at him.

Yeah, definitely not expected.

But you only let it phase you for a split second, until you feel a slight annoyance beginning to bubble up deep inside of you.

"Wow, hello to you too Jay! It's been what––half a decade? Yeah I've been pretty good, thanks for asking!" The sarcasm is practically dripping off your tongue.

You don't know what runs through Jay's mind, but apparently it isn't common sense––or the ability to read the room. Because next thing you know, he's sliding the chair across from you out from underneath the table and making himself at home.

And he's smiling right at you.

Curse him and his smile.

But no, you're not giving into it.

Not yet, at least.

"What do you want?" You deadpan at him when he makes no sign of making the next move.

"A girlfriend," he deadpans right back at you, as if he was casually telling you what he wanted for dinner. As if you two were close-knit friends that could approach one another without any proper greeting. As if you two had kept your friendship all these years. As if you two even had a role in each other's lives.

"Can't help you there," you scoff, deciding to not even question his lack of manners on top of his uninvited presence.

"Aren't you gonna ask me why?"

"Well gee, seeing that the first few words you decided to say to my face for the first time in forever were a demand, a demand to date you no less, then....no," your monotone voice says as you keep your eyes focused on your laptop screen, not daring to look at the boy across from you.

In the Introduction to Sociology course you took your freshmen year, you had learned of one important term: interactional vandalism. Textbook definition being: "ignoring signals of disinterest in a conversation, leading it to an offense."

Your definition being: "are you oblivious or just plan dumb, read the room!"

This was interactional vandalism, alright. Whether Jay's truly oblivious or just trying to annoy you until your head explodes (it's really the former, but you're convinced it's the latter), he takes your signals of disinterest and tosses it right out of his head to continue the conversation.

"I'm stuck in this stupid bet with Jake--do you remember him? He bet me that I couldn't date someone for more than three months and I figured having someone fake date me would be easier than actually dating someone, right? That's where you come into the equation," he proposes as he leans back in his chair, as if he had just finished a sales pitch to a prospective customer looking to buy a car.

You couldn't believe this. You're 98% sure this has got to be a prank. You're mentally preparing for a camera crew to jump out from in-between the library's aisles any moment now and scream into your ears that you've just been punk'd!

The remaining 2% of you, however, wouldn't put it past the two boys to get themselves in such a situation. The last memory you had of Jay and his friends were pretty much their childish selves back in middle school. And by looking at the current scene unfolding in front of you...it's needless to say they haven't changed much.

"Again, can't help you there. Ask one of the many girlfriends I thought you had." Ouch.

"But Y/N, you've known me all your life--"

"Up until you dropped me a few years ago but sure, let's call it that."

"--and convincing other people is gonna make me look--"

"--desperate? Yeah."

"C'mon, Y/N. What do you have to lose anyways?"

"Uh..my dignity? Pride? Self-respect? Sorry Jay, not happening," you turn your attention back to your unwritten essay in front of you, mentally checking out of this conversation. This would be a good time for that camera crew to jump out now.

"Look, no one else is gonna do it, Y/N." Jay has always been stubborn, you suppose. But so are you.

"Yeah, because you've managed to push every being of the opposite gender away from you. You gave yourself this reputation in the first place," you give it to him straight. It's not like you had a relationship with him to uphold anyways––Jay himself broke that friendship years ago.

Jay hates that you're right.

You're always right. He remembers how he used to always go to you for advice and clarity on the world's biggest problems. Granted, the world's biggest problems to him at the time equated to what he should dress up as for the fifth grade Halloween party, but still. A tough decision, for the mind of a ten-year-old.

You abruptly stop typing and begin putting your laptop and textbooks away as you huff in frustration. There's no point in trying to get your work done now. The longer you stay arguing with Jay, the bigger your headache gets. The longer he continues to occupy any part of your brain, the bigger your headache gets.

Getting up from your seat, packed and ready to slam your head into your pillow, you turn to the blonde one last time.

"Look Jay. We went on our separate ways years ago. If you weren't so notoriously known around campus and my friends would stop talking about you, I would've long forgotten you. I'm sorry you're in this situation, really. If I were you, I'd just tell Jake I can't do it. Or don't, I can't tell you what to do. Just don't get some innocent girl involved in whatever stunt of yours this is."

Jay stares at you, mouth agape, as you find your way out of the library and through the main doors. By the time he comes back to his senses, he realizes how he looks plain stupid––standing in the middle of the library, the look on his face screaming befuddlement, to say the least. Jay quickly makes his way out of the building, in hopes of convincing you one last time.

Jay catches sight of your figure already half-way down the walkway that connects the library to the main quad of your school's campus. Geez, you walk fast.

Not fast enough to outrun Jay's legs, however. If Jay running after you through the middle of campus in order to convince you to fake date him doesn't show how desperate he is to win this bet, I don't know what will.

"Wait, Y/N!"

You groan to yourself before turning to face the boy who can't seem to take a hint and leave you alone. You stare at his out-of-breath state as he heaves up and down from the slight jog he had to endure to get to where you are. If you're humored by him chasing after you, you do a good job of hiding it.

He meets your unimpressed state before stating his final proposition: "I'll pay you. Five hundred dollars."

You nearly stop breathing.

Now this catches your attention––after all, you're but a broke college student who's just trying to survive. And preferably not by feeding yourself instant ramen cups every night.

And so, naturally, you begin rethinking about the opportunity presented in front of you. You narrow your eyes at the boy as you weigh your options.

The first problem being, it's Jay Park––the bane of your very existence. You spent the last few years of your life pretending he didn't exist...for good reason. Not only did he do you dirty when you were merely a couple of 13-year-olds, but you just didn't want to be involved with someone like him. Someone known for his nature, someone who left your own current best friend ghosted. And not that Hana herself would care, for she has called herself the "female Jay Park", but you're sure this would be breaking some rule in the girl code handbook. Plus, if you agree to this, you'd be betraying 13-year-old Y/N, the one who decided to never speak to nor think of Jay Park again––which by now you've failed, but you get the gist.

Second problem being, three months is a long time. Three months is practically the rest of this semester, and did you really want to spend the rest of the semester tied down to the label of being Jay Park's girlfriend? There would have to be some negative connotations that came along with that title, right? No offense to Jay, but being his first girlfriend since, what, high school could make you come off as..naive, for lack of a better term. As if the only person you could settle for was Jay Park. As if you barely had any standards for yourself. Again, no offense to Jay.

Needless to say, if your school's debate club had to argue on why you shouldn't be doing this, you're sure the negating side could win with these two reasons alone.

But before you're rejecting the boy currently standing in front of you one last time, you find yourself mentally listing rebuttals.

First of all, you'd be getting paid. And again, you're merely but a college student living the stereotypical broke college student life––burdened by the costs of tuition, textbooks, and midnight McDonalds runs for when you're out of aforementioned instant ramen cups. Five hundred dollars could provide you with more than enough chicken McNuggets to last you the semester, and maybe some more to treat yourself to an online shopping spree.

Second of all, it's not like you were going to do anything better with your next three months anyways. It's safe to say you were too busy being a diligent student to actually look for anyone to date, per say. And if anything, having a fake boyfriend might actually be helpful in your case. Your mom would be off your ass about how you're still single, for one. And two, your friends (though it's really just Heeseung) would stop trying to hook you up on blind dates with guys that you would choose Jay Park over any day (and that really says something).

Third of all, it's Jay Park. As much as you despise the kid, you still know him. He's not a complete stranger to you, no matter how much you try to deny it. It could be worse, it could be a complete rando asking you to date him. At least you two have some sort of history, which would take care of the typical small talk and getting to know each other bit of this equation. And truth be told, you'd be lying to yourself if you said you weren't a tad bit satisfied by the fact that Jay chose you, of all people, to pull off this stunt with him. You don't know if it's the nostalgia of your childhood memories rushing back to you, but it reminds you of the endless schemes you two used to plan behind your parents' backs all the time. Granted, your childhood schemes––such as the both of you faking sickness so you could skip school together––don't even fall close to being in a fake relationship with one another, but still. It's the thought that counts.

All of those reasons plus, Jay isn't the worst to look at. He may have a spoiled reputation, but at least he has his looks going for him, you'll give him that (you're still secretly wondering when and how did he get his glow up, but don't tell him that).

And so by the guidelines of a college student's logic that states the pros outweigh the cons, you come to the overarching conclusion that maybe, this won't be so awful after all.

"Five hundred?" You ask, just for clarification. Jay's immediately nodding at your words. You continue to ponder on your thoughts as he stares at you hopefully.

The silent atmosphere of your campus heightens the tension so much, you swear you're in one of those overdramatic pausing scenes that occur too many times in k-dramas.

You sigh, then nod.

"Okay," you're internally praying that you won't regret this decision. "I'm in."

The next time you see Jay is at 12:17PM on a Friday afternoon, as you're exiting the doors of the lecture building that's home to your awfully long Capitalism in the Western World class.

You're going down the steps of the building, mentally deciding where and what you're going to treat yourself to for lunch––as the three hour lecture you had just attended drained all the life and energy out of you––when you hear the slight call of your name.

Turning to the source, you're met with a waving Jay, leaning against the passenger's side of his car, parked in front of the lecture hall building you were currently leaving.

Great.

You walk over to where he's casually waiting––he's unaware of all the stares he's attracted from fellow students leaving the same lecture as you. Can you blame them? It's not everyday you see a sleek, black BMW that probably cost more than your tuition pull up in front of your Friday afternoon lecture. It's not everyday you see Jay Park waiting for anyone outside of his said sleek, black BMW that probably cost more than your tuition.

"Hi," you simply let out as you plant yourself in front of him, not sure whether or not to question him why are you here? Surely, he wasn't waiting for you?

"Hi," he smiles down at you. There's a beat of silence. "I was waiting for you."

Bingo.

"Oh. What are you, my chauffeur?" You raise an eyebrow, unimpressed.

"Maybe. I am your boyfriend, after all," he says into the air, loud and clear, as if he wanted people to hear. Well that is the point, you suppose.

But still, all you want to do is smack the smirk right off his face.

Before you have time to put your next question into words, he answers it for you.

"I'm taking you out for lunch," he declares as if you have nothing else planned for the day. Well, to be fair, you didn't have anything else planned for the day. Except for your usual library run. But you figure the library could wait.

"Oh, like on a date?" You raise your eyebrows teasingly at him as you get into the car, Jay holding the door wide open for you. "Is Jay Park treating me to lunch as a date?"

Jay fights the scowl (or is that a smile?) growing on his face as he bends down to meet your eye level from inside the car. "Don't flatter yourself, princess. We've got fake lives to live."

"Call me princess one more time and you won't have a real life to live," you flash him a sarcastic smile and slam the door in his face.

Jay meets his own shocked reflection on the passenger's side window.

Cute.

"When you said you were taking me out to lunch, I expected like...I don't know...the diner on campus. Not whatever this is," you mutter to Jay as the two of you are brought to your table by a waitress at an upscale sushi restaurant, one that is undoubtedly out of your usual budget, but for sure an upgrade from your dining hall's pizza you were planning to have. You should've figured as much, the drive here was a little more than out of the way from campus, and who are you kidding, it's Jay Park you're eating with.

You stare down at your current outfit, which consisted of a hoodie you've owned since your junior year of high school and leggings that you threw on without second thought this morning––because you didn't exactly wake up and decide I'm going to go to a fancy sushi bar for lunch today!

"Why are we here anyways?" You ask him when you're both settled in your seats and the waitress walks away after listing the chef's specials for the day.

"Oh, they have killer dragon rolls here, you have to try it," Jay tells you nonchalantly as his eyes rake the menu in front of him, blocking your view of him.

How dense can one be? Your hand snatches his menu as you stare into his unamused eyes.

"No, Jay. I mean, why are we here? It's not like anyone's around to see us put on a show anyways."

"Oh. I figured," Jay's quick to grab the menu back from out of your hands as he continues, "that we should sit down and establish how exactly we're going to deliver this performance. After all, you're stuck with me for the next three months."

Again, smacking the smirk currently resting on his face would satisfy you beyond relief. Just once.

"If I drop out halfway through, do I still get $250?" You tease, leaning back.

"Ha ha. Funny. No," he narrows his eyes at you from across the table. "It's all or nothing."

You dramatically huff to make a show just for his annoyance.

"Worth a try. But sure, let's solidify this. What's the game plan?" You sit up in your seat, leaning over the table as if the two of you were hosting a secret meeting.

"It's simple really," Jay mirrors your actions, face leaning in close to where yours is hovering over the table. "Just pretend to be deeply in love with me for three months, and try not to actually be charmed by my cunning looks."

If someone gave you five dollars for every time you've already rolled your eyes at him today, you wouldn't even need to be in this deal for the five hundred dollars.

"Wow, smooth. Can I just remind you you're the one paying a girl to be in a fake relationship with you because you're just not competent enough to find an actual girlfriend?" You lean back, arms crossing over your figure.

Jay, unfazed, laughs, tongue briefly hitting the inside of his cheek. "Touché."

Your eyes go back to the menu in front of you as a silence falls over the table. Because you're not a loaded trust fund baby who comes to fancy five-star sushi restaurants for lunch on a daily, you don't recognize half of the entree names on the menu. You spot the dragon roll Jay suggested, but seeing that a basic California roll is less expensive, your natural broke-college-student-instincts figure the California roll shall do.

"Okay, in all seriousness," Jay begins as he puts his menu down. "It's simple really. We'll just go on weekly dates and post cute pictures of each other once in a while and a little after three months, I'll just say it didn't work out. I'll give you the five hundo and boom, we move on with our lives."

It's clear Jay's put some thought into this. Safe to say he's put more effort planning this out than the amount of work he's been putting into his classes. Someone's got their priorities straight.

You're impressed to say the least––you figured Jay would just be the kind to go with the flow and wait for the situation to unfold on its own and maybe blow up into flames. But seeing as he was just as serious about winning this bet as you were with making five hundred dollars, your doubts about this entire situation were slowly withering away.

Don't get it wrong, though, you still despise him. To an extent, at least.

"And don't worry about the dates. I'll pay on your behalf, as the loving, doting boyfriend I am," Jay finishes with a wide, cheesy smile you can't help but return a growing smile back at.

"Well then, as the loving, doting girlfriend I am, I shall gift you coffee, breakfast, all that fun couple stuff, whenever you please. Or maybe unannounced, if I'm feeling nice," you figure you should pitch in as much if he's paying for all your dates. And deep down, you find the idea kinda cute. But don't tell anyone that.

"Wow, look at us. We should become Dispatch's couple of the year already!" Jay exclaims, earning himself a small giggle from you, which pleases him to say the least. He thinks that maybe when this is all over, he'll hopefully make a good friend (well, for the second time) out of it.

And you're thinking that maybe the next three months won't be as bad as you initially had thought.

As the two of you delve deep into a debate about who would be the better significant other to each other, the waitress comes over to take your orders.

And because you're laughing and Jay's brightly smiling at you from across the table, you order the dragon roll.

The second time Jay takes you out––this time he gives you a heads up to get ready––it's at a, once again, high-class steakhouse.

The third time, you insist on the on-campus diner that's popular amongst the student population. Partially because you feel bad for the amount of money he's spent on you (even though he couldn't care less), but mostly because if you have to put on another fancy dress to just eat an overpriced meal that doesn't even fully satisfy your hunger, you might lose your mind.

And by this third time, Jake is aware of this newly blossomed relationship.

"Three dates! I didn't know you had it in you, going on three dates with the same girl!" Jake excitedly exclaims as he jumps into the empty spot on Jay's dorm bed and shoves his phone's screen into Jay's face.

The smaller screen displays Jay's most recent Instagram post: an image of you sitting behind your too-small-to-be-this-expensive-steak and smiling right into Jay's camera––a memory that brings a smile to his face:

~ ~ ~

"C'mon! We said Instagram posts would be a part of the deal! How else can we convince people we're dating?" A pout rests on Jay's face as he stares at you from across the table in the middle of the extravagantly decorated restaurant he picked out for your second date. You remember your eyes bulging out of their own sockets when you saw the "$$$$$" rating Yelp gave the place when you searched it up earlier.

"Okay, okay! One picture," you give in, already slightly annoyed that you were here instead of the comfort of your own bed, where you could be rewatching your favorite Netflix show for the third time. But because you made a deal and because you're desperate for money, you had to follow through––so here you were.

You flash an unconvincing smile to Jay's camera, which doesn't satisfy him, to say the least. "At least pretend you're somewhat enjoying this date," he frowns at you.

You sigh, until a thought crosses your mind and a smile grows on your face. "Only if you get me boba afterwards."

He narrows his eyes at you, but then meets your smile. "Sure, whatever you want. But only because I've been craving some mango milk tea lately."

"You're a fruit milk tea kind of guy? Sorry, but I might have to fake break-up with you," you tease as you take a sip of your overpriced drink to go with your overpriced meal.

Jay scoffs, feigning hurt by placing his hand over his heart. "Ouch. But before you break up with me, let me get this Instagram post in."

"Wow. Your priorities are so straight," you roll your eyes at him, eliciting a cheeky smile from him as he watches you through his held up phone screen.

"3,2,1."

"Hey, I wasn't ready! That was like mid-laugh!" You reach over the table to grab the phone, but not quick enough for him to put his phone back into his pants' pocket.

"Nope, nuh uh," he laughs as you quickly sit back down into your seat, not wanting to cause a scene in an establishment as proper as this one.

"It's fine. It's a good picture, you look cute," he casually lets out, unaware of the blush rising to the surface of your cheeks, thanks to the fact that you were suddenly interested in playing with the left-over food on your plate.

"Jay! Delete it, I'll let you take another one," you whine from your seat, imagining just how bad a candid picture of you could be.

"Ugh, fine. Ever so picky." He playfully rolls his eyes at you as he takes his phone out and opens the camera app as you prepare yourself.

"Okay, how's this?" Jay turns the phone screen to you after he takes a few snaps on his phone.

"I approve," you grin at him as he goes through the pictures himself, unaware of the smile growing on his face.

"Okay now delete the first one," you point your finger at him, narrowing your eyes at him.

"Okay, okay! Bossy," he laughs as he raises in hands in surrender.

When Jay gets home that night, he recovers the image from his Recently Deleted folder, telling himself it's for the sake of the memory.

Obviously.

~ ~ ~

"It's not that big of a deal," Jay mutters from his spot as his eyes go from the Instagram post to his Exile and Belonging in Modern Literature reading that's due tomorrow, bright yellow highlighter in hand. Typically, you'd find the reading buried deep at the bottom of his school backpack. But because Jay ran into you this morning and because he complained to you about the amount of work he's fallen behind on and because you had threatened him to do his work or else you're not going on another date––a fake date that is––with him, he figured he should at least get one reading done and annotated, despite his strong dislike for highlighters (they hurt his eyes, okay?)

What he doesn't know, however, is how your threat was completely full of bluff––but don't tell him that.

"It is so a big deal, for you at least!" Jake hops off the bed and lands on the wooden floors of Jay's dorm room so hard, Jay winces and sends a mental apology to the poor person who lives below him.

Jake suddenly gasps. "I have to meet her, Jay! As your best friend, it's practically mandatory that I meet her."

Jay opens his mouth to protest, but not before Jake interrupts him once again. "Oh! We can bring Sunghoon too, it'll be so fun! The best friends meet the girlfriend."

Jay can't think of anything worst. Jay imagines that bringing you to meet his best friends would just intimidate you out of dating him––fake dating him, that is. Obviously.

He stares at his friend in agony then back at the reading in front of him––the one Jake said he'd come over to help annotate, but the intention completely left Jake's head the second he heard about Jay's recent dating life.

"You don't have to meet her," Jay says pointedly. "Plus, you already know her."

Jake frowns at his friend's excuse. "Yeah, but that was in middle school! This is different."

Jay's hands shuffle through the reading's pages in front of him as he realizes there's no way the two of them are going to finish the assignment at this point. He supposes he'll have to save death by blindness from highlighters for another day and hope you still agree to go out with him.

Jake suddenly gasps in realization.

"Oh my gosh! Childhood best friends turned college sweethearts," Jake says so dreamily, he might as well plaster heart eyes on. Hopeless romantic, this one.

Before Jay can argue, the piercing sound of three loud knocks echo through the small room, followed with a:

"Jay, are you in? It's me!"

Jay stills at the sound of your sweet voice. He whips his head to Jake, who is also frozen in place.

But the widened-eye boy is quick to come to his senses––unfortunately quicker than Jay himself––because the next thing Jay knows, Jake's eyes are lighting up and he's running to the door, ignoring Jay's screaming whispers through this seething teeth that were somewhere along the lines of Jake––stop, I swear to god if you open that door I'm gonna fucking--

"Y/N!" Jake swings the door wide open, revealing an overly excited him and a frozen Jay half-way to the door, as if he was about to grab the very boy welcoming you in. It's as if we're living in a Sims game and the player clicked pause on this very moment.

Jake's eyes are wildly going back and forth between you and your supposed boyfriend, as if he was waiting for Jay to run over and smother you in hugs and kisses...or something couple-y like that. Jay wouldn't know.

"Uh––hi," you're awkwardly standing inside the room now, a relatively large paper brown bag resting in your palms as you look around for a surface to place it on. Jay makes his way to you without a second thought, quickly taking the bag out of your hold.

"You seemed stressed out earlier, so I figured I could bring you some food as a little pick me up. I didn't know what you liked, so I kinda just got a little of everything from the dining hall. Nothing fancy," you're rambling, but smiling so excitedly at him, Jay doesn't know what to say.

Instead, his mouth slightly drops open as he stares at you in awe, mostly because he's not used to being on the receiving end of such spontaneously generous actions––all while Jake's still excitedly looking back and forth between the two of you, as if he was expecting a marriage proposal to come next.

"Oh wow. Thank you. Really," Jay, still touched by your simple act of kindness, softly says as he places the bag on the limited amount of empty space on his desk surface––the rest of it is covered with his untouched textbooks and unfinished assignments. He wonders if you did this out of playing your role or just because you wanted to. He internally hopes it's the latter. "Seriously, you didn't have to do."

"Nah, don't worry. I wanted to," you shrug with such a genuine smile that Jay realizes he actually missed your smile.

Despite having seen you during your brief run-in this morning when you were fetching your morning coffee, Jay realizes he missed you. The two of you haven't been seeing each other recently because of your busy schedule and if Jay didn't realize it before, he's now sure he missed your company and presence around.

Weird.

"Well, you two have fun! Sunghoon needs me for something," Jake suddenly chirps from his place near the front door, halfway through with putting his shoes on already, breaking the comforting silence that fell between the two of you.

Jay frowns. "But you said you were free all da––"

"SUNGHOON IS CALLING BYE!" And before Jay can even register what's happening, Jake's out the door without another word.

"Er..sorry about him, he's...weird," Jay scratches the back of his neck as he returns to his spot on his bed, mentally setting a reminder to yell at Jake later for leaving the two of you alone. Jay doesn't know exactly why, but he's nervous at the fact that you're here in his room. It's not like you two are complete strangers––or whatever you guys were before––anymore. "Good job on your part, though. How'd you know Jake was here?"

"Oh uh, I didn't"," you let out an awkward laugh. "I just felt like doing it."

Heat rushes to Jay's cheeks and he's not sure 1) what this newfound feeling is and 2) how to respond, yet again.

Having expecting you to leave after dropping the food off, Jay's taken by surprise when you take your shoes off and come over to his bed to look at the pile of work he's spread out.

"Is this everything you have to do?" You question the stressed-out boy as you flip through the various assignments, readings, and essays he put off in the past week.

"More or less," he groans. This is no rare occurrence by any means––Jay being behind in his work––but this time, Jay realizes he may actually be in deep shit, considering he has no idea where to begin.

Right as Jay's expecting a scolding from you, he looks up to meet a look of sympathy on your face. "Well, I mean, I'm pretty much done with my day. I can try to help, I recognize some of these readings from last semester."

Jay thinks to himself that the universe has sent him an angel through the form of you.

"Really? Wow, you were't kidding when you said you'd be a good girlfriend," he sends you a surprised look.

"I'm just being nice, Jay. A concept I'm sure you're not familiar with," you remark back at him, causing his forming smile to grow into a laugh.

"I can too be nice! Need I remind you of who's paying you $500, covering all of our dates AND giving you rides to class everyday?" He remarks pointedly at you, a teasing look resting in his eyes as you're reminded of the first of many times he's come to pick you up before class:

~ ~ ~

You're late.

This never happens.

But then again, your life's been a series of unexpected occurrences lately. Such as the fact that you're currently known as Jay Park's girlfriend, for one.

You're scrambling out of bed once you take one look at your phone and realize shit, you're already late for class. Throwing on whatever articles of clothing your eyes land on first, you're already mentally groaning at the fact that you'll have to skip breakfast and run across your campus to get to said class.

Curse your professor for hosting her lecture at the furthest possible building away from your dorm. Curse the architect who decided to make your campus so large.

You're running down the steps outside of your dorm building's doors when you're abruptly stopped by a familiar sounding cough. You look up from trying to gather all your belongings together at once to meet the gaze of the source of the sound––Jay.

"Wow, you're a mess," he smirks as he gets up from the spot on his car he was leaning against to make his way over to you.

"Gee, thanks! Good morning to you too," you flash him a sarcastic smile before your default frown quickly makes it way back onto your face.

"Aren't you gonna ask me why I'm here?" He grins as he grabs hold of your backpack to sling it across his own back as the two of you walk towards his car.

"Why are you here, Jay?" you sigh, your sarcastic tone hard to miss.

"To give you a ride to class, of course!" He's beaming at you, as if he's a pre-pubescent teen who just won their first girlfriend a prize from the arcade's claw machine.

Oh. That explains the car, you figure. Deep down inside, you're relieved that you'll no longer be bursting through the lecture hall's doors as a sweaty mess––a result of having to run across campus to get to class.

Determined to not let your satisfaction completely show, you resort with a little smile directed towards Jay as he opens the passenger door for you.

The second your enter Jay's car, the strong scent of coffee hits you, and your attention is targeted at the two small cups of coffee sitting in the cupholders of the car.

"Breakfast?" Jay asks as he enters through the driver's side and reaches into the backseat to whip out a small pastry bag. A small, deliciously smelling, pastry bag.

Okay, well. You suppose you could drop the annoyed act now.

Your eyes widen with joy as you grab the bag from him and open it to reveal your favorite breakfast sandwich. He's been taking notes, you'll give him that point.

"Okay, you win. Thank you," you grace him with a soft smile before taking a bite into the glorious gift in your hands.

"Of course, I was just feeling nice," he grins at you as he starts his car. "But don't get used to it." His tone is serious, but his smile directed towards you says differently.

And the fact that he still showed up to drive you to class the next morning.

And the next.

~ ~ ~

"And need I remind you who has to date your dumb ass for the $500 in question?" Your eyes narrow at the boy who can't seem to get that damn smile off his face.

Jay sticks his tongue out at you, ending the conversation. Really Jay? What are you, five? Well, mentally––probably.

You're looking around his minuscule dorm room for a place to sit down, and Jay can't help but feel embarrassed now that you're here, in his messy single studio room that pretty much reflects how Jay treats every other responsibility of his oh so hard life: neglected.

"Uh...here, you can sit on my bed," Jay immediately offers as he moves to the side to make room for your presence––and it isn't much, considering the university only provided him a twin XL bed which is definitely not built for two grown college-aged kids.

If you told yourself a few weeks ago that you'd be shoulder to shoulder on a bed belonging to the guy you cringed at the very thought of, you wouldn't have believed yourself. You wouldn't have believed yourself if you said you were actually glad Jay let you stay instead of kicking you out after delivering the food. Huh.

Weird.

"You know, this kinda reminds me of when we were kids. I always carried us through those horrible multiplication tests in the fifth grade," you wink at him as you settle in the spot next to him, hands grabbing hold of the papers in his lap.

Jay let out a laugh, nudging your shoulder with his. "Hey! The twelve times table is hard, okay?"

You roll your eyes at him––a habit of yours he's noticed whenever the two of you are together, but more recently, he thinks it's been more out of fun than annoyance.

He wonders why.

When Jay had first brought up the idea of bringing you as his date to his father's company dinner, you had expected a fairly fancy five-star restaurant with a formal dress code––for you've become accustomed to Jay's lifestyle. Turns out, your expectations can continue to be exceeded. Because what you had expected to be a simple dinner with a few other business men and women turned out to be an entire party, hosted in a hotel whose interior resembled something close to a castle (Or what you assume a castle looks like, as you've never personally been into a castle yourself, but this hotel is close enough).

Your eyes sparkle at the extravagant columns and diamond chandeliers hanging high above you, and Jay smiles at the expression on your face; like a little girl being brought to the amusement park for the first time ever.

"Wow, this is...wow," you mutter as you drink in the scene in front of you: people dressed in formal attire likewise to yours and Jay's, mingling and drinking what you imagine to be beverages that cost more than your entire life's worth.

Jay laughs from behind you, "Yeah the company goes a little...extra when it comes to these company dinners."

You scoff as you look up at him. "Oh really, you don't say?" You look around and you're suddenly aware of the many people surrounding the two of you and the attention you've acquired ever since entering the building.

"Jay, people are staring." You shuffle closer to him, your voice lowering down to a whisper.

"Well, it's not everyday the son of the company's CEO brings his girlfriend with him, so...looks like we'll be the talk of the party tonight. Smiles on," he winks at you, and you just know he's loving the attention the two of you are receiving right now.

"Jay Park? Is that you?" You hear a warm voice call out from behind the two of you.

The two of you turn around to meet the owner of the voice, a middle-aged woman dressed in an evening gown that matches the pattern of high-end brands you've been recognizing ever since arriving.

"Mrs. Lee! It's so nice seeing you again," Jay cheerily addresses the woman as the two of you bow in greeting.

You internally giggle at the thought of your Jay being so picture-perfect in the eyes of his father's co-workers.

"This is Y/N," he continues, his hand finding its way to your back, protectively resting it there as you go to introduce yourself. "My girlfriend."

You swear you feel goosebumps rise from where he's lightly touching you, and more so when he introduces you as his girlfriend.

You tell yourself it's just your nerves. Yes, that's it, you're just nervous. I mean, you're in a room filled with people who could easily pay off all your college loans with just a snap of their fingers, who wouldn't be nervous? Right? Right.

"Y/N! It's a pleasure to finally meet you, I've heard so much about you!" Mrs. Lee excitedly exclaims as you turn to Jay with a slightly confused look plastered on your face. He mirrors your expression as he shrugs, moving to stand behind you completely, bringing his hands to rest lowly at your hips.

His hands feel like feathers on the thin fabric of your evening gown, so light, so delicate, as if he's unsure if he's crossing a line. It leaves you wanting more, wanting to naturally lean against him and his warmth. You quick to shake the thought of your head as Mrs. Lee chirps up again.

"Jay's father is always talking about how you've been keeping Jay pleasantly busy nowadays! Good thing too, about time this poor boy settle down for someone as beautiful as you," the woman rambles on as you feel a blush creep up on your cheeks at the thought of Jay talking about you to his dad. If only they knew.

"We should probably go find our seats, I think the dinner is beginning soon," Jay says from behind you, saving the two of you from having to listen to Mrs. Lee's story of how she's known Jay ever since he was five years old and seeing him grow into this mature, loving, young man is so amazing. Oh look! I have baby pictures.

Yeah, he was more so saving himself from embarrassment.

The two of you bid your goodbyes before Jay gently uses the hand on your back to maneuver you through the crowd of socializing business moguls.

"She's not wrong, you know," you feel Jay dip his head so he's speaking near your ear, his warm breath tickling your earlobe, as the two of you make your way through the large foyer room.

"Hm?" You hum in question, turning your head up just enough to be able to make eye contact with him as he responds to your look of confusion.

"You look beautiful tonight," he says, eye contact not breaking once. You freeze in your steps.

You stare back at him in silence. Oh.

Your mind is panicking as it flips through your mental book of responses, unsure of what to say back. But because your mind is cloudy from staring at a put-together Jay in a dark navy suit to match your dress (mixed with the nervous butterflies in your stomach––have they always been there?), the only sound that's able to leave your lips is the small stutter of a:

"Huh?"

Wow Y/N, you had one job. A simple "thank you" could've sufficed! And you went with "Huh"?

You felt like a fifth grader who just learned from a friend of a friend of a friend that their crush likes them back.

"U-um. Mrs. Lee. What she said about you. You look good, really," somehow your nervousness made its way over to Jay now––his eyes flickering from yours to anywhere, anything, else in the room––the awkward tension growing tenfold each second.

Goddamnit Y/N, this is just Jay you're talking to, get a grip.

You're knocked back into reality when he slightly nudges your back to continue making your way to the main ball room, where the dinner is being held.

"Is that a compliment from the Jay Park?" Your smirk can't be seen by Jay, since he's still trailing behind you, but he can definitely hear it through your tone.

"Don't make me take it back," he chuckles, his words felt against your neck, leaving behind a tingly sensation you're not sure why you're feeling. You're glad he's behind you, so he isn't able to see the blush creeping onto your face for the second time tonight.

Jay gives a small nod to the people behind the check-in desk stationed at the entrance as the two of you waltz right into a large ball room lined with countless circular dining tables. So much for a small business dinner.

As the two of you approach one of the tables placed at the front of the room, you notice a familiar figure seated next to the seats reserved for you and Jay.

"Y/N!" Jake exclaims as he gets up from his seat to greet the both of you. "I'm so glad you made it, Jay was so excited to bring you tonight. Deadass would not stop talking about it."

Jay lets out a noise that falls somewhere between a cough and a goose being strangled, his widened eyes warning his talkative friend to just shut up. He's silently cursing the company for always seating his and Jake's family at the same table for these events.

"Aw, is that so? He's lucky he's cute or else I wouldn't have agreed," you grin, winking at your assumed boyfriend sitting next to you.

"Hey, YOU were the one excited to come! I recall a certain someone's face lighting up when I suggested we go shopping for tonight," Jay immediately retorts.

"Only because you were buying," you giggle, causing Jake to laugh as well.

"Damn, Jay. Tough," Jake jokingly adds as you laugh alongside him. The scowl sitting on Jay's face expresses the opposite of what he's feeling right now: warmth filling him up from the sound of your laughter and the image of you getting along so well with his best friend.

"I'm gonna get us some drinks, you two have fun making fun of me," Jay narrows his eyes at the two of you as he gets up from his seat. You bid him off with a smile before turning back to Jake.

"No but really though, this boy would not stop talking about you coming tonight. Then again, he doesn't really ever stop talking about you," Jake nonchalantly says, not knowing how much he was exposing his friend to you right now.

You raise an eyebrow up in response, "Oh really?"

"Seriously! I don't know what you did to him, Y/N, but this Jay I've been seeing recently is new. He complains a lot less about life nowadays, especially on the days he sees you," he leans back in his chair as his comment brings a smile to your face. Little does he know.

You stretch your neck up to find the boy in question and spot him right as he's returning to your shared table, two drinks in hand. You lock eyes with him from across the room and without a second thought, you're giving him a genuine smile that he's immediately returning.

Your heart beats faster at the view.

You wonder why.

It's 3:07AM when you hear the first ding.

You're not 100% sure as of why you're awake at this hour on a Tuesday night––perhaps a combination of your restless thoughts and feelings not letting you sleep plus the typical stress that comes hand-in-hand with the life of a college student.

It's 3:09AM when you hear the second ding, and you brush it off, assuming it was just Heeseung spamming you with memes again––something he does often when he also can't sleep (you found this out the hard way).

It's still 3:09AM when you hear the third ding, and at 3:10AM , you finally reach over and decide to acknowledge the being who's bothering you at this godforsaken hour.

Jay [3:07AM]: Y/N

Jay [3:09AM]: hi

Jay [3:09AM]: r u awake rn

Y/N [3:10AM]: unfortunately so

Y/N [3:11AM]: why are you up

Jay [3:11AM]: come outside

Y/N [3:13AM: jay it's 3am

Jay [3:13AM]: ye and? don't tell me ur a college student with a curfew

Jay [3:14AM]: plus im alrdy waiting for u outside so u have no choice

Jay [3:15AM]: :)

You groan at your bright phone screen currently illuminating your dark dorm room.

You ponder the consequences you may have to suffer tomorrow if you stay up any later than you already have. But considering the fact that you're probably just going to stay awake lying in bed for god knows how long anyways, why not?

(And you would like to point out that this decision has nothing to do with the fact that you haven't seen Jay in a few days and that maybe a tiny, tiny, tiny, part of you may have missed his presence. Nothing.)

And since that logic is obviously valid (you really gotta work on justifying your life choices), you're suddenly grabbing a hoodie from your closet and hoping it'll be enough to keep you, who's merely in an old band t-shirt from high-school and pajama shorts, warm.

The breeze hits your skin the second you open the doors to your dorm's building, and you're met with the view of Jay's sleek, black BMW that probably costs more than your tuition. He waves at you from the driver's seat, motioning for you to get in.

"To what do I owe you the pleasure at this hour," you deadpan at him with a stone-cold voice as you enter through the passenger's side door, hoping your tone was enough to hide the fact that you're giddy at the fact he invited you out at 3AM in the morning. Like a high-school girl sneaking out of her house to meet up with her bad-boy boyfriend that her parents dislike.

The second you enter his car, you're instantly comforted by the warm air blasting through his vents and his playlist softly playing in the background. Jay's pajama pants and messy hair give you more than enough information to know that he probably just rolled out of his own bed as well. You don't know why, but your view: Jay in his oversized hoodie with his unkept hair in front of your dorm building at 3AM on a Tuesday night, gives you comfort in weird ways you can't explain even if you tried.

But it's obviously just your cloudy, 3AM mind not thinking straight. Obviously.

"When I can't sleep, I go on drives around campus. It helps clear my mind," he says, looking over at you to give you a quick smile before starting his car. "Plus, SnapMap said you were still awake, so...figured you'd wanna join."

"Oh so what, you're my stalker now? You're not driving to the woods to kill me now, are you?" You tease, an eyebrow brought up. Jay lets out a laugh from beside you as he begins to drive further into your campus.

"Guess you'll just have to wait and see," he throws you a wink before reverting his gaze back to the road, mindlessly driving to wherever the road decides to take him.

A comfortable silence falls in between the two of you as Jay continues to drive endless routes around your campus. You look over to the boy driving next to you and take in his features––you don't know what changed, but you no longer feel the same anger or annoyance bubbling within you when you're around him. You're not sure when this changed, but you figure it's just the effect of desensitization. After all, you've been spending so much time with him, you're bound to get used to it. Right?

"Why were you up?" Jay finally asks after a few minutes of just the two of you silently basking in each other's presences.

"Ah, you know. The usual. Endless thoughts running through my mind, stress from school, nothing new," you sign, giving him a soft smile followed with a shrug.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

You answer him with silence as you search your head for the answer.

"I don't know. This is kinda weird, isn't it?" You don't know why you get a sudden surge of confidence, but before you can stop yourself, you find yourself rambling on. "If you had told me a month ago that I'd be here driving around with you when it's nearly 4AM, I would've laughed in your face."

Jay doesn't know whether to laugh or scoff. "Is the idea of hanging out with me that unappealing to you?"

You give him a serious look back. "I mean, up until a month ago when you needed me for whatever this game is, you literally pretended I didn't exist."

Oh. Awkward.

You freeze at your own words, mentally screaming at yourself for letting the words leave your mouth. Why, why, why.

"Y/N..." Jay says after clearing his throat after a few seconds of silence.

"No it's fine, it was a joke," you awkwardly cough and direct your attention to anything else around you right now. The view of your campus' buildings zooming by. The clicking of Jay's blinker when he switches lanes. The quiet roaring of his car's engine. The nervous tapping of his fingers against the steering wheel.

The rest of the ride is excruciatingly silent as he exits the main road and into an empty parking lot of some administration building made out of glass that has too many floors for you to count.

You don't know why you feel your heart beating in your throat as Jay puts the car into park––why you feel uneasy. You slightly turn towards him in your seat, hoping to pick up any sign of well...anything from him.

You don't know why you feel a twinge of guilt––it's not like what you said was necessarily wrong. If you were being honest, you were slightly bothered by how the two of you seemed to silently agree not to mention your past all this time. You were always one to seek answers, to seek closure. You couldn't help but bring it up––Jay was your best friend during those years. For him to just wake up one day and pretend you were nothing to him hurt you, and you couldn't help but still wonder what in the world you did to initiate his actions.

"I'm sor–" You're interrupted with his timid voice, as if he was almost afraid to speak.

"I'm not good with people." He's nibbling on his bottom lip, fingers nervously picking at a spot on the steering wheel.

You're opening and closing your mouth, unsure how to respond. You're 100% positive you look like a fish right now. Good for you.

"I don't know why. Jake calls it commitment issues but in order to have commitment, people have to stay in my life. And people just...don't. They're all bound to leave at some point. So what's the point of putting in effort into relationships if they're just going to leave you at the end?"

You're stunned by his sudden confession, not having been prepared for such a heavy topic to arise between the two of you. Up until tonight, your interactions had always been light-hearted and easy––you guys got along well. You didn't know this is how he felt all along.

But you knew where he was coming from.

You knew what Jay had gone through as a child––his mother having left him and his dad when he was young. You remember when your parents had told you the news at the young age of 13, and you remember the pain and sorrow you felt for your then friend. All you wanted to do was go to him and comfort him, but he had already cut you out from his life by then.

"Or maybe I'm the problem. My dad barely acknowledges my existence because he thinks giving me an allowance is all the parenting I need, my friends probably only stick around because they feel bad for me, you wouldn't even be here if it weren't for the bet, and, fuck, I'm literally known as the campus' fuckboy," Jay continues, falling deeper and deeper into the hole he dug himself.

He hates this, he hates opening up and feeling vulnerable, so he doesn't know why he's doing it now. He doesn't know why he feels comfortable voicing out his fears and worries when he's around you. But he does know it's a new feeling––one he doesn't know how to deal with.

"Jay," you lace your voice with as much comfort as you can provide. None of this is his fault, you want to tell him. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything," he says with a hint of bitterness and you can't tell if it's directed towards you or the topic at hand.

You're completely turned in your seat now to face him––despite the fact that he refuses to meet your gaze, afraid that looking at you is gonna bring out the most vulnerable in him. "You can talk to me. Talking about it makes it a lot easier. I'll always be here for you, as a friend."

Jay doesn't know what it is or why, but something in him snaps at the sound of a certain word falling out of your lips. Friend. Friend.

Friends don't make his heart beat nervously whenever he's around them. Friends don't keep him up at 3AM in the morning, pondering about his feelings for them. Friends don't provide him with this new, warm comfort he's become accustomed to whenever he's around you.

Deep down, Jay knows you didn't mean to add fuel to the fire. But because he's strong-headed, stubborn, and hates how vulnerable he feels next to you, he unleashes his emotions without thinking about the destruction coming along.

"It's none of your business, Y/N. Forget I said anything. You're just a toy for this stupid game and when it's all over we can go back to our own lives and forget this ever happened."

His sudden words cut deep, but they hurt him more than you. The second the words tumble out of his mouth, he's hit with the feeling of instant regret washing over him, and the lump forming in his throat restricts him from finding the right words to take them back.

The silence that falls between the two of you this time is different. It's a cold silence. A loud silence.

Jay feels his walls coming back up around him––the ones you managed to get through––and all he wants to do is apologize but he's terrified. Terrified of seeing your reaction, terrified of losing you again. For the second time.

You tell yourself he doesn't mean it. You tell yourself that he's just enduring more pain that one should ever receive.

But you also tell yourself that this wouldn't be the first time Jay leaves you in the dust.

You tell yourself that you're foolish for ever believing a friendship, or more, could come out of this act at the end. That you're so naive for feeling those stupid, stupid butterflies you've started to notice in your stomach whenever you see, or even think of, him.

"Okay," you begin with a firm tone. You're hurt, but you refuse to show it. You won't let him hurt you for a second time. Not again.

"Just...find me when you need me. As your fake girlfriend or just...me. I'm still here for you," is the last thing you say before un-clicking your seatbelt and leaving his car, beginning your walk back to your dorm hall.

Jay is unsure about many things in life. He's unsure about what he wants to do in the future, he's unsure of where he's going to settle in life, heck, he's unsure about what to have for lunch tomorrow. But he's sure about one thing.

That he's wearing his heart on his sleeve right now, and it's all because of you.

That you've become this new lifeline and he has to choose between holding onto you or drowning.

When Jay wakes up the next morning, his first gut instinct is to get ready to pick you up for class. But today's different. Jay doesn't know where the two of you stand now, especially after last night.

Jay doesn't know how to deal with this combination of unknown emotions he's been feeling lately. They didn't come out of no where, by any means, he realizes. They've been slowly growing over the past month of seeing you so often––like a plant he's been watering overtime, not expecting it to bloom into a flower so suddenly––but he figured it was nothing more than just enjoying the company of a friend.

Until he realizes that the term friend just doesn't suite you anymore––not to him, at least. And that scares him. It scares him that you've made him genuinely smile more in this past month than he ever has in his 19 years of living. It scares him that when he's around you he can't comprehend his own thoughts, his feelings. It scares him that you make him vulnerable, that you've changed him. That you've managed to make the walls that he's spent so long building and polishing to crumble with a simple tap of your finger.

In a perfect world, Jay would have already told you all this––he would be unafraid of how you would react, unafraid of your rejection, unafraid of losing this growing relationship with you. But alas, we don't live in a perfect world. And so when Jay drives to class that day, he drives right past your dorm building.

"Where's Y/N?" is the first thing Jake questions when he enters Jay's car that morning, confused by your absence, having been used to you being in the front seat every morning when Jay goes to give Jake rides to class as well.

"I don't know," Jay mutters, unemotional eyes focused on the road in front of him, not interested in continuing a conversation that involves thinking about you.

Jake hesitates as curiosity gets the best of him. "Did you guys get into a fight or something?"

Jay's hands tighten around the steering wheel of his car. "Or something. Let's just leave it at that."

There are a few beats of silence before Jake speaks up again.

"Well, I guess this works out because I wanted to talk to you about something."

Jay continues to stare straight ahead of him, focusing on just trying to get by without mentally beating himself up at the simple thought of you.

The simple thought of you and your smile. Your witty remarks. Your stupid eye rolls. Your laughter. Your kindness. So much for not thinking about you.

"I'm calling it off," Jake's words catch Jay off guard.

"Huh? Calling what off?"

"The bet. I'm calling it off. I don't care about the textbook fees I'll have to pay next semester. Look, fight or not, you and Y/N are good for each other, everyone can see it. And I really don't want this to end up being one of those messed up teen TV shows where the girlfriend finds out the entire relationship was based off of a stupid game and then they break up and the boyfriend falls into eternal sadness and regret. And I don't wanna see you sad, dude. So yeah! Congrats," although he's admitting defeat, Jake's beaming widely, just content with the fact that his best friend has finally found happiness through the form of you. "You win."

But Jay feels like the opposite of a winner. Because even though his only intention coming into this was simply winning the bet, his life isn't as simple as it was a month ago. Because he discovered something much more valuable than some stupid textbook fees or five hundred dollars or getting his physics homework done for an entire semester.

Something he's scared he's already lost.

You.

⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺

The next time you see Jay is at the same time and place as when he first ever appeared to pick you up––at 12:17PM on a Friday afternoon, as you're exiting the doors of the lecture building home to your awfully long Capitalism in World History class. This time, however it's different.

Because this time, it's one month later, and Jay Park is no longer a forgotten side character in the story of your life. This time, you're frustrated because it's been three days since you've last heard from Jay. And because it's been three days since you've last heard from him, you can't focus on anything else, and because you can't focus on anything else, you're falling behind on every other aspect in your life. Jay's somehow managed to become the center of your life without even having to be present.

Well, up until now. Up until you go down the steps of your lecture hall's entrance and look up to be met with a figure leaning on a car you're far too familiar with. You freeze in your steps as you make eye contact with the boy you've been thinking about non-stop for the past month three days.

Your mind tells you to walk away, to just follow your flight instinct instead of fight, to just go back to your normal life. But here's the thing. Ever since Jay's made his way back to your life, it's been far from normal.

And if you're being honest, you had no interest in going back to your normal life. Normal's overrated anyways. You find your legs bringing yourself over to him, your heart leading the way.

"Hi," you simply say, planting yourself right in front of him.

"Hi."

"What are you doing here?" You already know the answer, but you want to hear him say it.

"Waiting for you," Jay doesn't hesitate in answering you. This time will be different, he tells himself.

"I can walk myself home, thanks," you state, but your actions tell differently, as you make no sign of moving from your spot in front of him.

Jay's mind contemplates telling you everything. About how he regrets that friendship-breaking decision he made that one fateful day in the eighth grade, about his true feelings, about how he first suspected these feelings when he was 11 years old and saw you in your fancy get-up for the sixth grade dance but put it off as a little crush, and about how the same feelings grew into something so, so much more in the present. But seeing that putting all these thoughts into words would involve more than one functioning brain cell (which is all he's convinced he has in the moment, for the view of you staring up at him, looking like that, has his brain short-circuiting), he settles with:

"He called it off. It's over. The bet."

"Oh."

Silence.

Okay, Jay. This is your chance. Say it.

"Is that it?" You lift an eyebrow, awaiting for more explanation. When it doesn't come, you slightly nod and start backing away. "I'll see you around then."

Is that it? Do the two of you just go back to your respective lives now? How can Jay do that, when he doesn't even recall what his life was like before you entered it––and especially when he has absolutely no interest in going back to that life?

Fuck it.

"Y/N!" He stands up straight, a newfound confidence taking over. This time will be different, he tells himself. Because now, he knows what he wants. For sure.

You turn towards him, to see him already making his way towards you, stopping in his steps when he finds himself close enough to you that he can't concentrate anymore.

"I'm sorry for ditching you in the eighth grade. I'm sorry for ignoring you since then. I'm sorry for dragging you into this stupid mess and for pushing you away and I'm sorry for calling you a toy. Because it's far from truth. I like you. A lot. And––and I'm scared. I'm scared of what this means for us, because I just keep messing things up and all I know is that I don't wanna wake up tomorrow and realize you're not in my life anymore and––"

"Woah, woah, Jay. Slow down," you look up at him, the corners of your lips threatening to curve up into a smile. "You're an idiot, you know."

Jay's never really confessed his feelings to anyone before, per say, so he doesn't really know what to expect. But he's watched enough Netflix rom-coms in this lifetime (which is still not that many) to know that hearing the words "you're an idiot" isn't what you're supposed to hear after pouring your heart and soul out. Surely not, right?

"I––I'm not sure how to respond to that," he quietly says, searching your eyes for a sign, for anything. You giggle at his sudden shyness as you grab both his arms and look at him right in the eyes.

"It's okay. I get it, if anything, I'm also scared. But you somehow got me wrapped around your stupid finger, and I hate it," you smirk at him, your hands slowly making their way up his arms to circle around his neck.

Jay's hands naturally fall at your waist as he lets out a breathe he didn't even know he was holding as he returns your smirk. "Well, I could say the same about you. And I also hate it, for your information."

"Hmm, is that so? I guess it cancels out then, right?" You smile at him as he's pulling you in so close, your head turns cloudy.

Jay grins at you, his eyes holding so much joy and endearment as they quickly flicker down to your lips before returning to your own eyes. "I guess this only means one thing then."

"Mm, and what's that?"

And before Jay can answer––and because your life's been anything but normal lately––you make the first move this time, moving your head up to close the small gap between the two of you.

His arms instinctively tighten around you as you capture his lips with your very own, and Jay swears he's about to lift off into space right now. He's on cloud nine, and he makes no plans to touch the ground ever again.

The kiss quickly becomes fervent, all the pent-up tension that the two of you had for one another finally finding its way out, all the words that were previously left unsaid finally expressing themselves. You don't even care if you're being judged by the conservative faculty members of your school right now, or by the looks of fellow students walking past the two of you.

You try your best to keep yourself from smiling as he continues to press his lips against yours, his hand moving to hold your chin, guiding your mouth with his.

Before you find yourself getting carried away, you step back to take a breath, resting your forehead against his chest as his hands rest against your back. He smiles at the sound of you giggling against him.

Jay takes a step back to take one look at you and realizes, in this moment, that change can be good. And he's willing to undergo this change. As long as it's with you.

⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺

The next morning, you bounce down the steps of your dorm building's entrance to meet the wide, bright smile of your ex-childhood-bestfriend-turned-fake-boyfriend-turned-real-boyfriend waiting for you in front of his car, small pastry bag in hand. You smile back at him.

Jay drives you to class that day.

And everyday after that.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ :

✰ let me know what you think! if u made it til the end, mwah :') <3

[animeyanderelover]

Also tell me if they need to be more specific but anyone you want from the naruto verse with a s/o with adhd

It’s been a while since I’ve written about a darling with ADHD. I am no expert so please forgive me if something is not accurate in here.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, delusions, paranoia, stalking, overprotective behavior, manipulation, threatening, abduction, s/o with ADHD

Darling with ADHD

Hashirama Senju

🌳I feel like if there hasn't been already a diagnosis for ADHD, Hashirama might need a bit until he has discovered what is wrong with his darling. It's not that uncommon for a person to be very distracted and unmotivated or to be really hyperactive and energetic or even a mix of both, depending on which symptoms are strongest. Hashirama adores his darling either way and so it's either up to Mito or Tobirama to realize that something might not be completely right. The Hokage has probably stumbled across the term ADHD once since he is in general a really interested man willing to learn new things to help the village. His knowledge doesn't run professionally deep but the moment he knows that his s/o has ADHD, he memorizes as much as he can since he wants to be able to help.

🌳​He grows a tad bit more protective once he has enough knowledge and is fiercely defeating you against anyone who might give you a wry look, especially against the eldest of his clan. His devotion doesn't change a bit and now that he knows that you aren't at fault for the sometimes questionable behavior, he is keen on shielding you from possible rude comments and mean jokes. People with disorders shouldn't be put down and treated like outsiders and I feel like once he gets fully invested because of you into this topic, he'll enliven the development in such areas in his village. Hashirama is also rather careful to not say anything that might sound wrong which is sweet even if considering that he's only praising you. Pesters your doctor how he can help you constantly.

🌳​You're inattentive and can't concentrate for a longer time? That sounds scarily familiar for Tobirama since Hashirama tends to be distracted and lazy here and there himself. But that is no problem for the head of the Senju clan, he'll find a solution. Obviously his darling would have troubles being a good ninja under such conditions, Hashirama will help them with finding something fitting though. If they're unmotivated to finish a task he tries to motivate them by promising them to do something they want to do or he does it together with them. He entrusts Mito with you quite often since she's patient and will remind you of things you might forget. He'd rather spare you from the stricter treatment of Tobirama. In a way it helps Hashirama a bit as well since he learns to be more organized.

🌳​If his darling shows more symptoms for the hyperactive-impulsive type, Tobirama once again gets a bad headache. Instead of one very active person, there are suddenly two though s/o might even beat Hashirama. He adores his darling in either case but also feels slightly more worried in such a scenario. Due to your impulsive and restless nature, you might end up running around and climbing up things which could end in an accident so he asks once again for Mito or Tobirama to watch over you a bit when he can't because of work. Another thing he does is asking everyone to not say anything rude to you when you're talking with them and end up shouting or interrupting them a lot which comes over as impolite. He's quite concerned about hurtful words others might throw in your direction.

Tsunade Senju

🐌​She's called one of the best medics known to the ninja world for a reason, you know? I feel like even if her darling wouldn't have been diagnosed yet with ADHD, Tsunade would figure it out very soon. She's familiar with physical wounds much as she is with any sort of disorder and mental illness. Granted, she is really protective which stirs from her trauma of losing someone precious to her again. But she is never over-anaylzing something since she is a professional with plenty of experience. Your behavior and the symptoms that are giving it away won't be invisible for her eyes and she will run everything with you to confirm her suspicion. Honestly though, she will want to be involved in either case since the lady is confident that she can help with all her knowledge.

🐌​If there should be someone who is your doctor and helps you in regards of this problem, she'll just take over their place with the snap of her finger, she's the Fifth Hokage after all! If there shouldn't be that just means she's your personal doctor from the very start. She's attentive, patient and open for all sort of questions from you in regards of ADHD. It's important for her to insure you that she still loves you though, she'll help you through everything. She's mainly in charge but if work keeps her occupied, she'll let Shizune or Sakura take over. Her students are the only people she fully trusts with your therapy, with others she's a bit wary. All of her patience and sweetness aside though, Tsuna is very determined to pull through with her therapy because this is still about your health and life.

🐌​Let's assume you're the forgetful and unfocused type. This woman makes sure to arrange a whole schedule for you to remind you of things you are supposed to do. She's not one to overload you with tasks, there are only a few things that she wants you to remember and finish until the end of the day. She won't be exactly disappointed if you aren't able to do it, though you have either her or one of her two students as your motivator throughout the day. If you do it though, she's always rewarding you with something small and sweet. Throughout the day you always have small sessions where you have to focus on something to train your ability to stay a bit longer intent. Tsunade, as sweet as she is with you, can be quite short-tempered if someone says something wrong about you due to your disorder.

🐌​I'd say that she definitely keeps the sharper eye on you if you fall more into the symptoms of being hyperactive and impulsive. Being impulsive and unable to stand still means that you're more likely to act rash and hurt yourself in the process. I mean, she'll be able to heal such wounds since she's already made sure that you won't be a ninja, but she can be a bit of a mother hen from time to time. Rather brash and defensive since she knows very well that some people will target you for your inability to stay quiet and motionless since you instead can't sit still and blurt some things just out. The therapy doesn't only include you of course, your family and friends will be forced to join so everyone learns how to behave properly. She believes that with the right therapy, her s/o will be able to live normally.

Sasori

🦂​He's quite informed about medical ninjutsu as well and about the human body, but I'd say his limit is there. He's an expert in regards of poison and how to create human puppets so the term ADHD is new for him and that turns into a problem if you don't know yourself that you have ADHD. Sasori isn't violent but he can be quite mean with the words he chooses which means that if you annoy him, and we know that this man has not the best patience, he might end up putting you down. He still has an exceptional intelligence so at one point he will start to suspect that there is something more behind it and since he is a perfectionist he won't stop researching until he has found out what is wrong with his little darling. He prides himself after all in knowing everything about his doll and to keep them pretty.

🦂​He is maybe just a slightest bit annoyed with your behavior, tries to keep his tongue tied down though since you don't do this on purpose. Credits to him though since he sincerely attempts to expand his level of patience now because he has to. It isn't only your behavior, it's also the fact that this isn't something he can fix as easily as he could some other things and that bothers him maybe the most. His level of skill isn't enough to help in here which wounds his pride. He isn't a therapist so he can't help you in other ways quite either. Sasori does much though since his darling is his possession and he sees it as his job to take care of them. He doesn't want to alter your entire personality since that makes you so interesting, just enough so he doesn't have to suffer from permanent frustration.

🦂​He finds your lack of motivation and interest in his art insulting even if he knows why you are like this. His puppets are his pride though and he finds himself being fond of the thought of explaining the skills of each puppet to you and maybe even teaching you how to create them. He hides it well but he kinda wants the ego boost of having you being all amazed with his skill. Initially he wanted to force you to focus better, gave that up after a while though since it was the closest thing to giving him as a living puppet a headache so he does what he isn't good in: trying to be patient. It's tiring but his attempt alone proves that you mean something to him even if you're slow and constantly forget things of which he has to remind you all the time. Sasori complains quite often about it, somehow he has to let some steam off.

🦂​If you are maybe more energetic and hyperactive there is a chance for an increased interest in his art and craftmanship which is a easy way to have him warm up and engage in a good conversation. He hates being interrupted whilst talking or working and here comes the next problem. His darling constantly rambles about things that come randomly to mind and are always moving to the point where he considered tying them up or injecting them with something to help them calm down and relax, he is good in creating poison and medicine after all. It's quite risky to have someone as impulsive running around in his workshop filled with weapons, poison, puppets and bodies. A scratch could literally be lethal and on top of that he'll throw hands if his perfect doll does as much as cut themselves.

Kakashi Hatake

📖​He reads lots of books, just not the kind of book that would help him when he is faced with his darling and their disorder. He knows a ton of jutsu but ADHD is something new for him and when he realizes that he knows little about it, he feels sort of ashamed and wounded in his pride as well. Kakashi wants to be able to protect his s/o and take care of them yet he lacks the needed knowledge about ADHD at first which he must have in order to treat you the right way. What the jonin does notice even without the complete knowledge are the couple of symptoms and the special behavior you show which tends to make you stand out so even if he won't be able to instantly assume specifically what it is, he at least has a hunch that something is going on with you.

📖​He's quite determined to know what this disorder is about though so days and nights are spent reading books, stalking you and your sessions with your doctor and asking either Sakura or Tsunade about more details. Kakashi has a great memory so he knows about anything he has to know after a while, though the actual handling is something entirely different. Kakashi has the advantage that he is a chill dude though who has a good amount of patience for you, he has his worst experiences with loud or unmotivated kids. There is no denial that he grows significantly more protective over s/o after he knows how some symptoms could lead them to do something that might end in an accident or how some people might look at them the wrong way. Kakashi tolerates none of it.

📖​Being unmotivated isn't the biggest problem. Kakashi finds it easier to convince you into staying inside his house where he can just relax with you which satisfies him discreetly. As long as his darling doesn't neglect to take care of their health he doesn't complain as much about it, though since he doesn't do the chore as daily as some others and since his darling loses motivation and interest after a while, the house looks accordingly messy. Both parties seem to be able to live with it though. He can handle just as much the fact that his darling constantly forgets things. It all results in him never really leaving the room you're in though out of the slight fear that your ignorant and inattentive behavior might result in something bad. Pakkun and the other dogs are usually there to remind you of things you have to do.

📖​With the more hyperactive type of ADHD comes a little bit more exhaustion from Kakashi's side since he sometimes just wants to relax with you, he's used to it due to a blond student of his though. Kakashi is more careful in here though since you always run back and forth and find yourself unable to stand still, leading to scenarios where your impulsive nature ends in you attempting to do something that isn't safe. Kakashi has his hands full with you and is quite frankly worried that the therapy still won't stop you from doing something really stupid which would be Kakashi's cue to abduct you. He even turns the whole place as safe as he can so you don't even get a real chance to attempt anything. Normally not the very energetic and boisterous person, your personality is quite the contrast.

Deidara

💥​Deidara is a worshipper that lacks the sharp eye and medical knowledge that Sasori has so chances are that he will never notice it on his own if his darling doesn’t tell him about it. If they aren’t aware of it either then both parties will just live an oblivious life together, forced or not. The man glorifies his darling and their entire personality, everything is adorable and cute and he remains blind to the flaws since he either doesn’t see them at first or calls them perfect in the end as well. So even if his s/o would sit down with him and explain to him what ADHD exactly is and that they’re diagnosed with it, he wouldn’t see it as a problem or probably just not take it serious. As long as it doesn’t threaten their health seriously and affect them, he doesn’t overreact. He just brushed it off.

💥What’re you talking about? You are perfect in his eyes and that will never change. He doesn’t even want to give you a therapy if you want to continue one. It’s sort of hard for him as an Akatsuki member to find a doctor and to top it, he is against the idea of changing you since he adores you and your traits. It isn’t achieved with much begging or an accident that does hurt you because you couldn’t control your behavior properly that he might consider it. Even then his delusions remain an obstacle since Deidara views himself as your knight in shining armor. As your lover and partner he should protect you and take care of you and everyone who says something against you gets blown up. He doesn’t let things stay with a simple warning like Sasori. You are the finest art in his eyes.

💥He loves his darling so much so even if they’re forgetful, unmotivated and can’t focus properly, he doesn’t mind that much. Sure, he gets sort of pouty and grumpy when his s/o gets distracted whilst he shows them his art but it’s relatively easy to soothe him and he is quick to cool down on his own before he smothers his s/o once again in affection. He is incredibly pushy though and has too much enthusiasm and motivation so he drags his s/o along or does activities he likes together with them, whether they want too or not. Never stops annoying them if they can’t finish the task either. Admittedly, he tries to cheer them on but his inability to realize when enough is enough turns it all quickly annoying. He strikes me as a spontaneous person so there isn’t such a thing as remembering certain things since he comes up with most stuff on the spot.

💥The chemistry with the hyperactive and boisterous type is honestly just perfect though. He is a sucker for their energy which hypes him up even more in return. He does a lot with his darling because of their energy which is infectious. Everyday he has is spend outside and watching fireworks. He doesn’t even really realize or mind the fact that his darling interrupts him or sometimes accidentally shouts at him which might actually be good if s/o feels scared or insecure because of their impulsive behavior. Careful how much you tell him though. Not only will he drown you in his affection, he’ll also bombard a house or two if he has to. Maybe it is because he can be so incredibly alike to his darling that he doesn’t mind at all. The only times he actually stops his darling from doing something is when even he considers it too risky.

[readingrobin]

The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers

Rosemary Harper doesn’t expect much when she joins the crew of the aging Wayfarer. While the patched-up ship has seen better days, it offers her a bed, a chance to explore the far-off corners of the galaxy, and most importantly, some distance from her past. An introspective young woman who learned early to keep to herself, she’s never met anyone remotely like the ship’s diverse crew, including Sissix, the exotic reptilian pilot, chatty engineers Kizzy and Jenks who keep the ship running, and Ashby, their noble captain. 

Life aboard the Wayfarer is chaotic and crazy—exactly what Rosemary wants. It’s also about to get extremely dangerous when the crew is offered the job of a lifetime. Tunneling wormholes through space to a distant planet is definitely lucrative and will keep them comfortable for years. But risking her life wasn’t part of the plan. In the far reaches of deep space, the tiny Wayfarer crew will confront a host of unexpected mishaps and thrilling adventures that force them to depend on each other. To survive, Rosemary’s got to learn how to rely on this assortment of oddballs—an experience that teaches her about love and trust, and that having a family isn’t necessarily the worst thing in the universe. -Storygraph

I've always had a hard time trying to break into the sci-fi genre. I don't know if it has to do with the common settings, tropes, or themes typically associated with it, but there's always been something that keeps me from seeking out these stories and really enjoying them. Whatever the case, The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet easily became one of the outliers of this issue, right alongside The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, to which it feels like its distant, more emotional cousin.

At first, I was surprised at the more character-driven nature of the story. It focuses more on the journey to the titular small, angry planet, where the crew takes various pit stops and detours, whether to gather supplies or visit old friends and family. Surprisingly, the main conflicts come more from the interpersonal relationships of the characters rather than the world at large, though there are greater threats that appear in the book's third act to introduce more dire stakes. From what science fiction I have read, there is a greater emphasis on story driven content, where conflicts are typically more physical and the characters develop through that rather than their connections with each other. This quality of the story definitely gives a breath of fresh air to the genre, or to me at least.

While the tone is fairly laid back, the characters are what truly keep the book moving. Following a cast of ragtag, lovable weirdos, this book exudes the oh so wonderful found family trope, where no matter how many disagreements they have or what trouble they find themselves in, they're in it together. Chambers gives a chance for each member of the crew to shine, making the most out of the ensemble cast. I think I liked the Wayfarer's pilot, Sissix, the most, as it was so interesting to see a nonhuman character try to navigate situations through human terms. Her species is highly affectionate, having no qualms about intimate displays of touch in public settings, which naturally isn't going to fly well with those who are more influenced by human social standards. As a result, she has to hold back what comes so naturally to her, which, in turn, gives her a bit of discomfort. 

What Chambers does so well in this story is depict cultural differences not as a way to keep people apart or deem them "inhuman," but as a way to better understand others. There are moments when the differing perspectives of the crew clash, but ultimately, they remain respectful. No one is in the right or the wrong simply because to judge a species' custom or belief through the lens of their outsider's views that come from their own, differing culture is a tad unfair. To accept these differences is to better know and connect with those that come from different walks of life and to share them is for them to better know us in return. The inclusion of aliens that actually feel like beings distinct from humans leads to an engaging diversity that prompts discussion about our own values and why we may possibly think the way we do.

If I had one criticism, it would be that there were some scenes that seemed a bit disconnected, that there were events that were mentioned, but mostly glossed over or were told rather than shown. But really  it wasn't enough to bring the book down as a whole. This was an excellent feel good session in space and I really can't wait to see what other worlds Chambers has in store.

(4/5)

[toskarin]

Language Disguises Thought, Baby (1/2)

I said I'd do this, so consider this the opening to my Space Dandy episode-by-episode minireview post. I'm going to break this up into season 1 and 2 because there's a very clear shift that happens between them (although I'd argue that a few late season 1 episodes show this shift)

there will be no scores, no rankings, just a few sentences and my take on whether I liked an episode or thought it fell flat. these are more of rambles than actual reviews, so I'm not even trying to offer anything besides my opinion

<EVERYBODY COME ON>!

1: Live with the Flow, Baby

this isn't my favourite episode, but it does something very important: it catches your attention. it very quickly and (arguably) elegantly teaches you about how inconsequential mortality is to the crew of the Aloha Oe. this may be a strange comparison, but it reminds me a lot of Ichigo Mashimaro Episode 0 in terms of tone

I forgot just how funny this show was. improved immensely by watching it on a couch with others, so that no slapstick or animation gag goes un-giggled-at

in isolation, this is a very okay episode. as the first episode tasked with easing people into a very weird show, it does its job well

2: The Search for the Phantom Space Ramen, Baby

I may be a bit biased in saying this, because there's a memory attached to this episode, but this is one of my favourites of early season 1. Meow is a very charismatic character who would be completely insufferable if not for Dandy, and the same is true in reverse

the martial arts homage in this episode is fantastic, even if it feels a bit like a red herring for Cowboy Bebop fans in the same way as the woolongs are

you also start seeing the existential themes emerging which become the show's bread and butter later on. this is an episode I'd consider "essential" to understanding the tone of Space Dandy

3: Occasionally Even the Deceiver Is Deceived, Baby

an incredibly funny episode. I remember people making a big deal out of this back when the series first aired, with plenty of people dropping it outright (as was the fashion at the time) because it seemed like it was going to be an ecchi comedy

all that said, there's so many visual gags in this episode. it feels weird to try and fine-comb what makes these early episodes good, given how obvious it is: they're not afraid to be silly and have fun

I'm being very gentle on the first few episodes because opening for a show like Space Dandy before anything was really established had to be brutal

4: Sometimes You Can't Live with Dying, Baby

the first time I saw this episode, as it was airing, I still hadn't realised how the show was going to be formatted. the second half felt like a kick in the ribs that I didn't fully recover from until several episodes later, when I finally stopped trying to figure out how the zombie thing resolved

this episode is a little bit of a dud to me, despite the hilarious second half, because it's just not all that interesting. even so, a middling episode of Space Dandy still beats [checks what else was on at the time] ah, yeah, that's why I don't remember much about this season besides the four series I watched at the time

what do you want me to say about it? it's the zombie episode. it's fine. I could take or leave it

5: A Merry Companion Is a Wagon in Space, Baby

I've spent years singing this episode's praises. I watched it three times when it came out. can you imagine how scared I was about the off chance I'd see it on the rewatch and find it lost its luster? the good news is, it didn't. I still got a little choked up

A Merry Companion stands so strongly that it could have existed outside of Space Dandy as its own series. fortunately, it doesn't have to. for my money, this is the best episode of the entire series.

and what a needle drop! the montage of Dandy and Adélie travelling to Want to Know has some of the best vibes (for lack of a better word) the series ever clicks together

heartfelt, melancholy, and sincere. paced like a delicious meal that leaves you wanting nothing. peak television. this is the episode where Dandy becomes really likeable beyond surface level novelty

6: The War of the Undies and Vests, Baby

this episode has one of the "dudes rock" moments of all time when Dandy and Meow are arbitrarily assigned sides in a pointless conflict and immediately start beating each other up for reasons they don't understand. this episode would be a dud to me if it weren't so funny

...and if it didn't have that finale.

regardless of how you feel about the entire plot of this episode being designed to anticlimax and set the stage for the Stardust Pipeline needle drop, it's a great needle drop, so it's hard to feel too grouchy about that

of course, maybe that's the point? Space Dandy is about nonsequiturs and going with the flow, so this episode actually conveys that philosophy really well. a passing grade, if only on technicality

7: A Race in Space Is Dangerous, Baby

I like death races. I like bishies. I like homoeroticism, and I like rock organ solos. these are all things you should know about me before you get upset that I really enjoyed this episode.

the sheer quantity of colourful fun in this episode is unbelievable. it's incoherent, it doesn't say much, but it stuck the landing for me. this episode is quintessential Space Dandy, distilled... for better and worse! but that's part of why I like it

also Dandy symbolically tops a twink in this episode and it's not subtext. lot to unpack there.

8: The Lonely Pooch Planet, Baby

a rare case where the second half of the episode being so irreverent actually does detract from the first half. this is another episode where we get to see the heart behind Space Dandy, and then we get a diversion into an (admittedly funny) slapstick plot

this one doesn't really stick with me as much as it should, given how gorgeous the animation is. I don't think they needed to change the format, but I'm not sure they chose the correct second half for this one

this episode, to me, falls flat. sadly.

9: Plants Are Living Things, Too, Baby

inconsolable. this episode is every bit as insane as I remembered.

looping back around to the criticism I made of episode 8, this episode doesn't even have a pivot. it's just a weird enough concept to feel confident in riding it out until the end

and you know what? it works. I got emotional over some faceless plants.

heartfelt, beautiful, and of course, lots of fun. this episode is a treat and it would be a disservice to try and fail to articulate every reason why

10: There's Always Tomorrow, Baby

I completely forgot the lesbian twist and almost threw up laughing. this episode manages to combine quiet beauty and batshit humour seamlessly, with a universally understandable emotional thread. Meow becomes a significantly more likeable character for having this context

and credit where it's due, the lesbian gag is really good. it doesn't feel mean-spirited and is careful to ensure that the joke comes off as "Meow realises that he never asked if his crush was actually into him" instead of "Katie is a lesbian and this is Meow's divine punishment for abandoning his friends"

the Endless Eight homage is cute, too. this, in all honesty, feels like the first episode to engage fully with the themes that would define season 2

11: I'm Never Remembering You, Baby

do you ever feel like you're willingly calling yourself an idiot online and nobody's even paying you to do it? that's how I feel saying that this episode is just okay to me.

the concept of the librarian is extremely creative, along with the library planet and the way it works. it just doesn't do as much for me as the more colourful episodes

12: Nobody Knows the Chameleon Alien, Baby

big fan of this episode. there are so many amazing gags in it that you'd be doing yourself a disservice by watching it alone

with that praise delivered, it's a really straightforward concept and I'm not sure what I can say about it. it's funny that QT gets really into fishing for tsuchinoko, it's funny that the chameleonian disguises itself as a random guy, it's funny that they have a game show

it's a funny episode. I like the jokes, and that's a perfectly fine way to be a good episode

13: Even Vacuum Cleaners Fall in Love, Baby

I fully believe this episode started as a post-it note. the concept of "a vacuum cleaner falls in love with a coffee maker that gets thrown away" just feels like that. what a sweet episode, though

some wild sakuga in this one for a character who doesn't really lend to sakuga. the novelty of seeing QT engage in mecha combat elevated the finale of this episode

this is also a pretty nice continuation of the plot thread where our trio has to come to accept that not everyone is available to them. just like with Katie, there's plenty of obvious foreshadowing that QT is missing something

[claudemblems]

Heyo idk if requests are still open but I don't see a post saying they're closed so I hope it's okay that I slide in with an idea 👀

This may be pretty similar to the Sylvain & Kaeya request you just did so feel free to ask for a different idea lol but I wonder what you think about Childe and Sylvain with a reader who doesn't fluster easily and is just always like "okay buddy" whenever he flirts with them? Bonus points if reader actually likes him but is beating their feelings back with a stick bc they think that he can't possibly be genuine

Thank you for sending a request in! I actually just write with fem readers in mind but I didn’t use any exclusively female terms for these. I also tried to follow the same format as the Friends to Lovers one with just sets of headcanons. I hope this is all right!! I’m just happy to get another request like that one because it was super fun to write about :) This did turn out kinda angsty but I felt like it fit with the overall theme. It's time to make your hearts hurt LOL

Friends But...Not Lovers?

Summary: Childe and Sylvain try and fail to win you over, but what they don't know is you've been purposely withholding your own feelings from them, too.

Notes: I tried to make these a little shorter because I tend to write way too much lol. I hope they're not too short though. Also, each set of headcanons is divided into the boys' perspectives and yours.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

Childe

Childe isn’t fazed at all by your nonchalant attitude. In fact, he finds it really attractive. He’s a man that likes a challenge, after all!

“C’mon, you’re bound to crack at some point! You can’t tell me you don’t feel a little bit bashful?” “Are you calling all that flirting? I thought it was just a really bad attempt at comedy.”

The thing with Childe is that he’s not satisfied until he wins, so don’t expect him to give in so easily. He’s persistent if anything.

Of course, he wouldn’t flirt so brazenly with you if it actually made you uncomfortable. He may do questionable things, but he’s not without morals.

Especially when it comes to you. He wants to keep you safe and happy, more so than anyone else in the world. 

Thankfully for him, you’ve told him before that his flirting doesn’t faze you and that you’d actually like to see if he could manage to successfully fluster you, which only spurs him on even more. 

It’s game on, and he’s not going home until he secures his decisive victory.

You

You can talk the talk, but that unbothered facade of yours hides something under the surface: your real feelings for him. 

Sure, you could try to imagine that Childe means what he says, but it’s hard to tell when he’s being genuine and when he’s playing a part.

Can you really allow yourself to be swayed by his words when one order from the Tsaritsa can steal him away from you forever?

You’re not someone to get involved in a relationship that’s doomed from the start. You don’t have the kind of thick skin you need to come out unscathed. 

Sometimes you wonder if all this is just a game to Childe, if winning your affections would just be another trophy on his shelf.

But you try not to think about it too much. It just leaves you confused and upset.

You can’t deny, however, that you truly enjoy his company. He’s unlike any other person you’ve met on your journeys. Being with him is a breath of fresh air in your otherwise uneventful life.

If the day ever comes where you’re faced with accepting Childe’s declaration of love or rejecting it…only time will tell if he’s managed to convince you of this lie, too.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

Sylvain

Ngl Sylvain is actually very pleasantly surprised by this revelation.

After seeing how all the women he’s flirted with eat up any compliments he gives them, your unaffected deadpan demeanor is absolutely hilarious to him. It’s definitely a first for him.

“Are my methods of flirting getting stale or are you just hard to break?” “It’s a little bit of both.” “Ouch.”

This is all very interesting to him but also very confusing. Talk about being totally unprepared.

However, his inability to make you fall for him has actually made him head over heels in love with you instead. But how is he supposed to win your heart if his words don’t affect you at all?

On many occasions he finds himself staring off into the distance trying to use that big brain of his to come up with a way to convince you that he truly does care about you. Though, it’s really hard to come off as genuine when all of his prior relationships have been made of thinly-veiled compliments and surface-level attraction.

You’re the only person who hasn’t been wooed by his words, looks, or his crest. You’re that one in a million. An anomaly. The kind of person Sylvain has been searching for his whole life. 

And Sylvain will do whatever it takes to prove to you that he can be your one in a million, only if you’ll give him the chance to.

You

You wish you could tell Sylvain to his stupidly beautiful face that his words actually do have an effect on you.

But you’re afraid of becoming just another name on his list of women he loves for one week and discards the next.

Out of all the guys in Garreg Mach, why did you have to be in love with the resident womanizer???

Day in and day out you go back and forth in your mind trying to figure out if it’s worth giving him a shot. Having feelings for Sylvain is utterly exhausting. Unfortunately they’re not like an item you can simply exchange for another.

You do have to admit that it pricks your heart a little each time you see him being a little extra friendly with another woman. Was it it that they have that you don’t? Can you really compare to all of the ones he’s dated?

You hope Sylvain never has any actual romantic feelings for you. With his kind of history, there’s no way a relationship with him could ever last. But would it be worth it for that one small period of happiness?

Who are you kidding? He’s a man that has everything. Someone like you trying to win his love would just prove to be a lost cause.

For now, you’ll just have to settle with watching him walk arm-in-arm with another girl he’s confessed to, praying that the sorrow in your heart will one day begin to disappear. 

[cablestwisted]

I've been thinking about it for a long time and since you know so much about Alton towers lore, I think you might have a theory about this. So, pre smiler Era there were open houses where advocates stayed in and possibly underwent the correctional procedure (as seen in smile always). So for them to stay in they should have food of course. But where do the open houses find the funding for food, water and anything else they might need. From the ministry of joy? But where do they find money? Even if staff work double jobs, they should be well payed because the experiments and even materials from the smiler, need funding. Perhaps you have an idea about how it could work?

The Ministry of Joy's funding is a very, very interesting question, and I'm extremely glad you've brought this up. Thank you for your ask!

We know that the Ministry of Joy has a lot of connections, they have access to loads of CCTV cameras all around the world and it's implied in the screen videos that they have based all around the world too.

It's implied that at some point in the past - hell it could even be now - they've had government funding [see, the prior theming of X-Sector being somewhat government experiments, the theory of them coming to the park when the estate was requisitioned by the war office]. So that's one avenue. It'd have been top priority for morale at one point, if this theory follows through...

However I do also think their connections have another benefit.

Potential corporate sponsors.

The 2013 map has a little icon that says that the Smiler was created "in association with the Ministry of Joy" - that's enough in my eyes to theorise that they've struck a deal with Alton Towers, if not Merlin. So part of the revenue from the sale of Smiler related products, and use of the logo etcetera, could go to the Ministry of Joy - if they don't have a deal where Merlin pay them a set amount regularly, that is, which is entirely possible.

The Ministry of Joy also have vague connections with Phalanx...

With their logo being spray painted on the Stag, Sanctuary posters in Project 42, etcetera. Personally, I believe this could be a business relationship, with the Ministry of Joy supplying sedatives of a strength that could possibly work on the creature and B10 victims and in return recieving funding from Phalanx...

The Ministry could also recieve funding from Eyecon Security, a CCTV and security company seen in the Smiler game that actually use a modified version of the Eyecon as their logo. There are some theories that they're a puppet organisation run by the Ministry of Joy, considering the use of the Eyecon, which is what I think too - thus the Ministry of Joy see profits from the sale of Eyecon cameras.

Of course then there's the matter of sponsors from wealthy individuals and corporations with an interest in the type of work that the Ministry does - trading information or immunity for money. And then of course the Ministry can manipulate people for money, through Correction or other means... Autosuggestion is still in their command, they can implant thoughts in people's heads using it. Who's to say they haven't gotten wealthy sponsors that way?

With the sheer amount of influence that the Ministry of Joy has, it's no secret that they likely have at least some deal of income. It costs a lot to maintain a facility of the scale of the one below X-Sector, which shows why it's in disrepair...

That exposed rebar's a big issue, that could easily worsen over time... Ministry of Joy that is an entire hole in the wall. You are not immune to the Health and Safety at Work etc Act 1974.

In summary, the Ministry of Joy have various potential sources of income - whether it be through funding from the park, from the government, from Phalanx, from puppet companies, and corporate sponsors/donations from the wealthy, they could easily get enough money to sustain themselves long-term.

This would easily provide funds for the open houses for Advocates, helping them readjust to everyday life after the intensive Correctional measures as seen in Smile Always. Advocates would likely be encouraged to seek work and begin funding themselves even if staying in open houses, if they were deemed able to work, which would take a bit of the load off the Ministry of Joy. Advocates are not employees, but patients - the Ministry would fund them enough to get off the ground, potentially even help them find work with some of the Ministry's sponsors.

I do think open houses are still a thing, the need for experimentation and manual correction hasn't likely reduced, for some individuals it would be impossible to get them on The Smiler and for some individuals they are too far into resistance for The Smiler to have its full effect on them. Advocates heavily affected by the process would still need a safe house to go to, outside of the Ministry, so the Ministry would likely still fund these houses!

[levok]

My biggest fear for Season 2 is that - intentionally or not - they're going to make it clear that Wille is not a good situation for Simon and Simon would do well to get him out of his life. I mean what vibes do we have so far? (All of these have caveats but here goes.) From Season 1 we have the intense flip flopping, his fame and position having a toxic effect, the flashbacks to Simon's dad's drug abuse, the self-centredness. From Season 2 we potentially have generally unhinged revenge missions, and obsessive staring when [signs are that the signs are that] Wille should be able to see that Simon wants to move on.

And I write this as someone who is head over heels in love with Wille myself. I get the appeal and I think Wille deserves love, love and love. But if I were Simon's friend I would be quietly hoping he fell in love with someone who brought him just as much joy and a hell of a lot less angst.

All of which is to say I'm very excited to see how the show explores these themes, both in terms of how the characters and storylines progress, but also in terms of exploring the responsibility (or not) that a teen show has in portraying romance to its audience. Ah, flashbacks to many debates with my dear friend about the Skam love stories.

I have some faith, but I also have fear. What about you? Do you think Simon will find it easier to read music in treble clef or in bass clef?

I totally get you anon! If I was Simon’s friend I would force him to stay away from Wille, but fortunately I am not 😅 I am still here rooting for these two little shits!

And I am also willing to fully surrender myself to the premise of love conquers all, because I love them both and they a pure babies with shitty judgement 💕

I expect to see a lot of growth in season 2 - especially from Wille, since he is the protagonist and has a lot to learn still. And I expect to see how two different worlds and understandings of life is able to see each other, understand each other and find common ground.

because we find YR so raw and realistic in many ways, we have the urge to put realism into every aspect of YR. But we need to also just enjoy the story. What is the point that is being told. What is the symbolism, the struggles, the growth. As realistic as the characters are molded, and the intimacy feels, you can also put YR into a classic fairytale analysis worksheet.

We would never get a happy ending in a “fully realistic” story, if the show were to be just a bit dramatic, heart wrenching and nerve wracking (read: interesting). We won’t see development if they aren’t pushed to the limits and make mistakes.

I think YRs mixture of raw realism mixed with dramatic storytelling is what keeps me hooked. If wholesome fluff was my jam, I would look elsewhere.

[veliseraptor]

November Reading Recap

Scum Villain's Self-Saving System by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu (reread). I've been reading the other Seven Seas translations as they come out volume by volume but for some reason decided to wait until all of them were out to reread this one. Maybe because it was the shortest wait or maybe because it does remain my least favorite of MXTX's three published novels.

I do still find it fascinating in narrative terms, though. I think @ameliarating put it well when she said it was one where she's less engaged with the story but thinks the narrative is really interesting, which I think lines up with my reaction.

Also it's just fascinating to read MXTX's three novels as charting a course of her development as a writer. I don't even mean that in terms of quality or anything, I'm just talking about "the themes I see explored in SVSSS and how they're developed compared to some of the same themes in MDZS and TGCF."

Jade City & Jade War by Fonda Lee (reread). I've had Jade Legacy sitting on my shelf for ages (in hardcover, if that tells you how long) partly because I knew I needed to do a full series reread and I kept dragging my feet about it because "I have so many other things to read! I don't want to go back and reread stuff before I read more of my completely unread things." But finally, I don't remember exactly why, I just went "yeah it's time" and dove in to reread these both. As good as I remember, highly recommended by me, I think of this series as occupying the same rough niche for me as, like, Ann Leckie and Seth Dickinson and N.K. Jemisin's earlier works, which probably mostly has to do with when they came out but also has some stuff to do with how they engage with colonialism and imperialism while also just being compelling as hell. Also I would die for Hilo and I'm not sorry about it *fingerguns*

Still haven't read Jade Legacy though. I blame the 7 books that came in at the library simultaneously right before I started.

They Want to Kill Americans: The Militias, Terrorists, and Deranged Ideology of the Trump Insurgency by Malcolm Nance. This book was frustrating and I didn't feel like I learned a whole lot from it except maybe some more information about the specifics leading up to and during the January 6th insurrection shit; I've read better excavations and analyses of white terrorism, QAnon, and the growth of right wing extremism in the United States in the 21st century. The casual fatphobia as shorthand also didn't do Nance any favors in my eyes.

Will say that one thing that came out of this book was the realization that I am really not ready to read anything about Covid. Didn't realize how much of a reaction I was going to have to that! And it wasn't even a major part of the book or anything.

How to Hide an Empire: A History of the Greater United States by Daniel Immerwahr. Best book I read in November, hands down; also absolutely infuriating in the "wow! a whole bunch of new awful stuff the United States government has done that I didn't know about!" sort of way. Digs into the history of the U.S.'s weird imperial dynamics with its "territories," particularly looking at the history of Puerto Rico, the Phillipines, a number of small islands in the Pacific Ocean...and, in the 21st century, the role of military bases abroad in creating what Immerwahr calls a "pointillist empire."

Fascinating book, deeply upsetting, I can already tell it's going to be one of those I go around talking to people about for a year until they get really tired of me saying "so I was reading this book How to Hide an Empire and-"

Also just...reminded me how much I love discovering holes in my knowledge. I mean, it's not like it's fun in the moment exactly to realize your own ignorance but hey, opportunity to learn. Pursuant to that if anyone has recommended reading about Filipino history I'll take it.

[heretherebedork]

New to BL and I find it so funny but whats with all the BL actors being singers. I swear every show I watch one of the leads is singing the theme song. Is there a prerequisite when they're hired that they have to be able to sing? Where are they finding all these hot talented actors who can also sing? Or are they just average and we don't notice cause were spellbound over everything else 😅 Not mad about it in the slightest I just find it so interesting how musically inclined they all are!

I am probably not the person for this question but I believe a lot of it is just... how the industry works.

In Thailand (the country I am most familiar with in these terms) definitely thinks that actor = singer even when they can't sing (as @absolutebl and @iguessitsjustme have told little tone deaf me). So what you're not getting it 'all these singers also act' but rather 'acting means you sing so get to it, chop chop!'

Some of them start out as singers and turn to acting afterwards, probably because it's steady paying work and publicity but don't quote me on that I have no idea.

I have no idea, honestly, I can't tell good singing from bad singing. By the time it's bad enough for me to notice it's probably a parody. But I also just don't... enjoy the singing very much? So I tend to skip it out of expedience rather than anything else.

But I do think it's mostly because of the industry's views of actors as also singers and dancers. It's very old school Hollywood, when they used to do the same thing. So... same idea?