#but anything more complex and he’s a lost cause unless he has like 10 minutes and a lot of thieves tools to spare

[trevisos]

i think i’m gonna give xar a couple levels in rogue next time i play him bc in my heart he is a terrific pickpocket and i want the rogue dialogue options bc some are sooo good for him

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

No way out: Part 3

Maya? How much longer does the upload have to go?

According to your monitor, it’s about 60% finished.

Which means we have about…10 minutes left before it’s completion.

Did you end up getting the hard drive back from those kids?

I have the wire. Kaede still has the box. Kuripa’s gone after her, but I was able to detain Shuichi. I’m on my way back-

Huh!?

*WHOOSH!*

HIYAGH!

*WHAM!*

DAGH!

Rantaro!?

*Mii-Yu uses her rocket boosters to fly Shuichi in. He leaps off her back and drop kicks Rantaro into a wall.

Sorry Maya…I’ll get back to you.

*He cuts off comms and crawls to his feet.

Mii-Yu! Fall back!

Yes!

*Mii-Yu flies away.

You sure that was a good idea? You lost your only backup.

I don’t need backup against you Rantaro. And there’s no way I’m risking you doing…WHATEVER it is you did earlier.

I’m gonna get to the bottom of your connection to her, and if I end up finding something I don’t like, you’re gonna be sorry.

Believe me…I’m already sorry enough that I made the crucial mistake of calling you here.

You did bring me a VERY interesting present though. Even if you don’t comply, maybe M11-YU will be useful here?

But she doesn’t want to be controlled by you!

It’s not a complex AI Shuichi! It doesn’t know up from down unless you tell it!

Yeah! That’s what a learning computer is! And I’m sick of hearing you treat her as anything less than a human!

It’s NOT a HUMAN!

SHE is a person! Not a tool! Sorry old friend, but I’m ending this right now! Hand me the wire, or I slap you in cuffs!

…You certainly are far more confident than I remember you being. I’m actually kind of proud of you.

What changed Shuichi?

Well…up until now, I thought the Killing Game had matured me…

But you went through two of them and it clearly didn’t mature YOU!

*WHAM!*

GAH!

*Rantaro is unprepared when Shuichi suddenly socks him round the face and hits his head into the wall behind him.

Hrgh…!

…!?

*PEW!*

*As Shuichi presses Rantaro to the wall, he swiftly moves his head out of the way as Rantaro points his gun and fires at point blank range.

HRGH!

*PEW!* *PEW!*

…!

Ah!?

*Shuichi tries to fire back, but Rantaro grabs him by the wrist and somersaults over him! With the wire firmly in his hands, he starts making a run for it!

Hah!

*BOOM!* *BOOM!*

…!

*PEW!* *CLACK!*

GAH!? WAAGH!

Tch!

*Rantaro uses his megaphone device to launch himself up a wall. He gets a fair distance, until Shuichi fires a carefully aimed shot and blasts the device, breaking it before Rantaro can use it again. Just narrow of the platform, Rantaro is just able to grab the edge of it and heave himself up before he plummets.

…!

…!

*He looks back at Shuichi once more before he clambers to his feet and starts running. Shuichi rushes after him.

DAGH! DRUGH! DOOGH! DAAGH!

HRAGH! GACHG! NGGHA! RYAGH!

*CLINK!* *CLASH!* *SMASH!* *CLANG!*

*As the fight on the lower floors continues, both Kaede and Kuripa’s blows start to get more enraged and more violent.

RWUUGH!

HRRGH! DAGAGH!

UUGH! GRRGH!

KRGH!

WAAAHAGH!

*SLLAAAM!!*

OOOOFF!

*Kuripa clashes weapons with Kaede, and forces her arms to the ground. With her defences lowered, he delivers a nasty elbow to her face, knocking her back. Kaede swiftly recovers and thrusts her spear towards him. Unfortunately, Kuripa moves out of the way of the attack, grabs her by the torso, lifts her up and flips her over in the air, slamming her down on her back.

CHRYAGH!

HEEGH!

*CLASH!*

Grr…! TAH!

EH!?

*While she’s on the ground, Kuripa brings his blade down on her, which she raises her spear to block. Kaede thinks quickly though. She stops blocking and slides out of the way, causing Kuripa’s blade to hit the ground next to her. In a single swift motion, she throws her spear, and rolls back over to her original position, pinning Kuripa’s hand to the ground with her arm.

*WHOOOSH!*

GAH!?

GUHUP!

*Kuripa notices at the last second as the spear flies back around, soaring straight at him while he’s stuck. Thinking fast, he delivers a hefty kick to Kaede and knocks her back, jumping backwards to avoid being skewered. The spear flies back to Kaede’s hand as it misses it’s target.

That all you got!?

You’re the one out of breath kid…

I’m also the one who has the hard drive. I thought you wanted this thing.

…Don’t make it harder for me to resist the urge to kill you…!

*pant!* *pant!* *pant���* *pant…*

*Rantaro continues running, aiming to make it back to the download room before Shuichi can catch him.

*PEW!*

GOOGH!

Going somewhere…!?

*Rantaro frantically looks around for an escape route, but somehow fails to spot Shuichi catch up to him. Shuichi aims and shoots an electric bullet straight into Rantaro’s shoulder.

GRGH!

*PEW!*

!!?

*Rantaro tries to run for the door, but Shuichi thinks one step ahead. He aims and shoots the button to the door, slamming it shut before Rantaro can run through it.

TURN AND FIGHT ME YOU COWARD!

GRRGGHH!

*PEW!* *PEW!* *PEW!* *PEW!* *PEW!*

HAH!

*WHAM!*

GRGH! RAGH!

*SMACK!*

OHUGH!

*Left with no other option, Rantaro cocks his gun, turns around, and charges at Shuichi. They both start firing at each other, and then start throwing punches when they get close enough!

Hyagh!

KRGH!

WOAH!

DAAGH!

*SLAM!*

GUUHUGH!

*Rantaro lunges at Shuichi, holding his gun with both hands and attempting to whack Shuichi around the head with the barrel. Shuichi retaliates however; he grabs Rantaro’s wrists and flips him over him, slamming him to the ground.

Ngh…Huh?

DRRAAAGGH!

*WHAM!*

DOOOOAHH!

*Rantaro quickly scrambles to his feet, but only does so in time to see Shuichi charge at him with his head lowered. Shuichi tackles Rantaro and sends the both of them flying over the balcony. The clatter and roll along the ground.

GRRGH…

Hoo…

Thank you Tenko…!

*Rantaro winces in pain, while Shuichi gets to his feet and goes in for another round.

[daughterofhel]

.

My icon died last night.

The little black and white cat, Auk (or-ick). A silly name from a badly remembered name from my childhood.

He was pretty much deaf; car got him.

I haven’t seen him since I left Texas, as I moved for a year to VA before finally moving to be with my wife in Vento. One of my guy friends family took him in on their ranch.

It was fitting; I did get Auk from a ranch. He was used to it, loved it even. And this was without the competition of an unhealthy amount of breeding stays like the ones I grabbed him and Ivy up from. I could only take two, my friend the same.

Funny. I had originally gone there to see the birth of a colt only to leave with a cat. Return the next day and get one more, a friend for my tiny runt of a thing.

And who should but all demand it be him to leave with me but Auk? The friendliest of cats that I’ve ever had the pleasure to be around. He also thwarted my attempts at having two girl cats. He was insistent to leave with me and you don’t argue when you’re chosen you know?

I won’t detail the tears following or the rough road and chaos that went on, but many double shifts back to back to back endlessly, a medicated clumsy grandmother with rapidly failing health, and complex roommate situations, I just wasn’t able to provide the needed time and care for my cats.

I cried the entire 45 minute drive to my buddys property when he said he could take them in. I had to pull over twice. They also cried the entire time, being afraid of the car, which made it harder. My buddy, He was the same guy who rescued a big pup clearly abandoned some years back. I had helped train him to not jump on people and other stuff. His folks also owned a longhorn ranch, lots and lots of space.

Those cats deserved better and this was a familiar element, now neutered, vaccinated, and with no stray competition and the dog was so careful. But god. I never wanted to say goodbye to my cats. It didn’t matter though, what I wanted; they needed care and time I wasn’t able to keep providing.

So I dropped them off. As expected, Ivy kept close but never got too close to the family. She simply doesn’t trust; I’ve no idea why such a little thing bonded instantly with me and remained quite the fixed cuddle bug. But she had. I felt worse about it with her than Auk if I’m to be honest.

Auk loved attention. Loved fetch. Belly rubs. This cat was a classic dog and a huge whore for attention. XD He essentially made himself at home and lavished any and all attention, to which my buddies mother instantly fell for this fuzzy dorks charms. He has been well cared for.

I know younger me could’ve and should’ve done better when I got these cats. Mind you, I’ve been gone for over 10 years now, so it has been quite some time. I’m doing what I wish I could have done for my cats then with the two rescues we got last year here.

I was young and working so many hours for nearly no profit after stuff was paid, even living at home and with roommates. I couldn’t afford the extra vet fees I needed or the fanciest of foods or any of that. I loved them, and I felt them being with me instead of the half starving state they were in from constantly competing with so many other cats, was still a better option for them. I still was at least able to do some of the important visits for them.

I cleared their fleas and earmites. I never did get rid of Ivys worms, though I desperately tried. I tried so many ways to get this pill into that cat. Even crushed into wet food. Friends helping to wrap and hold her to make her swallow. All the tricks we found, failed. She just. She wouldn’t take it. And I didn’t have the cash to go every single day and time she needed a dose to a pet clinic. I had checked more than once. It was so much money.

Older, better situated now.. I’ve been able to do right by the cats, Nyx and Tivali, that I have now.

We even saved Nyx’s eye. We have a system to give her her seizure medicine every 12 hours. They’re both fully up to date with their shots and are fixed. Ears totally clean. Monthly newly added anti flea tick collars.

The best food we can reasonably find at the local pet shop; their pelts are beautiful, soft, shiny, and they never smell.

We’ve even found a biodegradable corn based litter we can flush which has been the greatest find.

We get semi regular check ups on our girls and they’re doing just fine now. I’m still proud about saving Nyx’s eye. It was a tedious ordeal. 3-4 times a day we had to clean and medicate a cats eye. We got good at it even if she wasn’t fond of it. Thankfully the vitamins they required were like treats. Even the antibiotics from the colds they had from the shelter.

I miss Auk. And Ivy. And I wish I could’ve not only given them the life I’ve given my current cats now, (I’ve constructed basket beds, hammocks, a whole canopy jungle gym and rope bridge to boot for them with my wife!), but I wish I could have been the one to have them in my life still. I know it was not possible. It wouldn’t have been possible.

But I think of them. A lot. And I knew it was inevitable. Auk would’ve been well over 13 or so years by now. A little old but could’ve lived longer yet for sure. My buddy didn’t mention he has gone deaf. Of course he rarely goes home himself; I don’t blame him. Life’s complicated.

I have mourned these two cats multiple times now. So I’m not thrown into tears upon this news, I’ve cried plenty over the years already. But I’m still sad to hear that fuzzy delight has passed on. I won’t ask, but I hope, and believe, the accident was a quick end for such a friendly guy.

I’ll mourn him eventually in full. I know I will. But considering this is the fourth major bad news I’ve gotten in less than a month and most of it a week, I thought to write about it. If only to keep sane.

May I not receive the same news of my grandmother or my sister who both remain in the hospital.

And god. May my mother stop forcing me to recall and talk about our shared trauma under my father and just keep me up to date on my families health. I don’t want to be crushed under this suffocating vice on my neck that makes me hesitate to call and see my family. I know she needs to vent. And god. I try to let her. I do. I try to be kind; she needs it.

But it isn’t the time and place when I’m trying to figure out if my grandmother is dying or getting better. I shouldn’t have to receive that confirmation, be granted a brief video called hello and check in, with the price of an hour long dredge through a past I personally have gone to two different types of therapy through to try and cope with. Which, only to some degree, have helped.

One of the last longer calls we had she all but said she hoped her theories on my father possible molesting me were true, so, you know, that would be one more trauma we had in common. She went on and on, even trying to provide loose evidence to her theory. Troubling sentences I would say in my rare visits. Etc. She just. Wouldn’t. Stop. And that was after an hour of recalling how terrible her life was with my father and the abuse, the screaming, the terror, the hiding, the injuries, all of it. As if I wasn’t left to live my life with this very man she said her three years with ruined her more than all her past shit combined.

She assured me she was a good mother who tried. And honestly. No. But I do believe she tried. But she was already weak emotionally and mentally and my father wrecked what was left. She left me sometimes for a couple days lock in that house when I was in diapers. You don’t forget that shit. I’m still scared of the dark. I can’t reason with myself on it. But being mad about all of it doesn’t change anything and would hurt a woman already broken. Why would I do that.

Still. It bothers me. So fucking much. But she’s such a fragile person in a fragile emotional state with everything else on top. She’s been heavily depressed for many many years and it’s a bunch of other stuff that spirals and honestly, at this point, she’s toxic even to herself. I’ve tried working on it with her but it matters not if she’s not willing to work on it too. I don’t know my mother besides her many traumas. We’ve been separated and estranged for most of my life. Unless I was physically able to actually be there and provide a use.

But that’s par for the course; no one will have you around if you’re unable to provide something for it. My wife’s the first person who genuinely seems to enjoy having me around just because and wants nothing more. I do stuff of course; but with her I am not afraid a slip up could mean everything it taken away and lost. I can forget the dishes once or had a bad mental health day and stay in bed without it having catastrophic consequences. She’s such a wonderful kind woman; I cannot help stressing over how to repay her.

I try and I’ve expressed my distraught on the topic and though she always seems baffled and confused about my insistence that I should be doing far more, that lass doesn’t agree at all. It’s her parents home so I am not able to freely run the house as I would on our own, as I’m able and have in many places, so I’m often less useful with the restrictions. She’s also use to the flow and swing of things and has things half done before it’s being asked.

Our own place will make life smoother and calmer for both of us; most importantly her. I’ve watched this family, sweet, but absolutely tone deaf to how many and often their demands are tossed to her. All the other kids moved out with partners. Hell, the oldest s child basically lives here. Our own hurdle with raising a kid who we don’t have the final say on any single thing. His grandparents are enablers cuz they don’t want to hear any loud noises, no matter what. And that causes strain when the kid can and does get anything and everything as long as he kicks up a fit. And he sure as hell does. There are days it’s so bad my wife’s in tears. And that pisses me off. The kids a good person, but the fact no one will actually parent and draw definite lines and be firm with No’s can also make him horrible too.

I’ve to deal with the chess match that is my father. I often call him my own personal Devil. He kind of is. But one I’m familiar enough with at this point in my life. I know where and when to cut my losses, where to step around, when I need to swallow my pride or the easily seen through lies, and nod my head. If he was all terrible, I could have cut him from my life. But no one ever really is. And I do know I owe it to the man; he has helped tremendously in my life as much as he’s been a big problem of it. I know his biggest fear is to be alone and forgotten. I wouldn’t do that, not even to the devil.

I need some bland news. Not thrilling. Not depressing. Just some ‘hey that happened’ ‘oh cool.’ Kind of news. Just a small reprieve.

Im. Scared. Of what’s next.

I. Know that things are teetering dangerously into a very very tragic terrible story on my mothers end. I know her husbands already super suicidal. My half brothers severely autistic, non verbal, among a few other things and will require his whole life to have someone be there for him. He’s not stupid, and I hate when people treat him as so, but he is absolutely unable to care for himself. He doesn’t have the right motorskills even, though we’ve gone to many different places to try and help him find ways to do actions in his own way that still get the same result. I admire how he’s such a positive little man, generally not just happy, but delighted. I aspire to look at the world like he does. He reminds me to try. I do love that about him.

He is, however, a Big boy, 15 now, and growing. He’s also very strong now. My mother is getting to an age where his, as well call em happy slaps, are really hurting her. He is generally good about slapping your hands and not your back if you provide them. But when he is upset he is a shover; one bad fall could really cause a lot of chaos for my mother with her health. The husband spends most of his time locked in his room.

My half sister is epileptic. They have done tests for years and can’t figure out all her triggers or the whys. They just sometimes stop for a long time then suddenly happen. She’s 16, turning 17 soon. And I don’t even know if she’s going to be, since my mother won’t let me know. And there are large gaps from my sister being on tech due to concerns of what triggered her seizure this time so she’s often removed from electronic devices for a time.

When I had turned 21, my mother and her husband tried to have me sign a paper to become legal guardian of my half siblings, should something happen to them, so the kids didn’t get separated.

At that time, I was still taking care of my fathers mother along with working at a shit job, and had a house full of temporary roommates who I had offered rooms to as a sort of safe house for them. I have a knack for finding people from broken homes, what can I say? With the house my father and I built, we had space, so I used it. I was able to help the girls get out of toxic places, get on their feet, and move on. Not all of them always. But it did generally work out. One has a boyfriend who was growing worse to her on top of getting more and more into hard drugs while also she dealing with an abusive aunt who got worse once her mother died of cancer. So she was stuck with the terrible boyfriend. I had her stay with me as soon as I heard.

Another was complicated, but generally revolved around the alcoholic mother and the many, shady, men in and out of the house. The dangers of that alone were.. problematic without the friend also being suicidal and not taken seriously. I’ve stayed many times with her to just hang out, clean, cook, or even read a book cuz she just wanted to hear someone talking and such. You know? Until eventually I had her move in with me too.

Another’s mothers died of a cancer and dad an alcoholic; not abusive, he just became childlike and super forgetful. To a hurtful degree in his totally dependent state, whenever he was home. Plus their whole little trailer smelled of piss. And her boyfriend (they’re married with kids and happy now) was in jail. He had a bad past but had cleaned up his act quite well, but. Well that’s complicated. We all know that the police don’t squint at details of any issue if the accused has a problematic past.

I had two different girls with trouble at home who were being used by their family to constantly work, clean, and pay for everything.

I had an ex and her girlfriend with problematic homophobic parents who were terrible and semi violent so I had them stay with us so they could be together somewhere safer.

I did not. At all. Have the assured means to also be a parent of ten children with very different needs nor any medical benefits to help out with.

I also knew, that, with how my mothers husband was, if he had some guarantees for his children’s safety, he would likely end his life if he could. He’s been so close so many times. If signed this paper, he would have the last big most important concern that’s kept him from.. I just. I didn’t want him to do it. I selfishly didn’t want to be responsible for my siblings that would take away any bit of time I had for myself away. If anything happened, I would not abandon and forget my siblings. That’s absurd. But my mother implied heavily she wanted to be sure of that. And thus this paper.

I was struggling to find aid for college so I could go to school (never got to, by the way. Minus two classes in total. Aced them both, but it doesn’t matter. Credits in the wind). I was already dealing with my grandmother. The girls I chose to help. My shit job. My fathers temper and his horrible horrible ‘on again off again’ girlfriend. The chaos that alone committed.

I was busy providing a safe space in my home and making sure it stayed that way for the rare times trouble makers made the mistake of stepping up to my door to try and harass my girls.

I often worked 10 days in a row before a day off. Many of those days often had double shifts which were 16 hours. Sometimes I got an hour nap on the double shifts.

I just couldn’t do it.

And now. I remember something that came to mind back then that comes back to mind now. My moms husband adores my grandma. She’s been better to him than his own mother. She’s dying. He’s not taking it well and his mental health has always been pretty low and in the last couple years, already dangerously rock bottom. I’ll admit, same.

His daughter is now in the hospital. My brother is smart but there are some things we can’t really explain for him to get. He understands something is wrong but not sure what and it upsets him. He doesn’t like change and gets super fussy for it. Which can be taxing and hours and days and weeks of it. Grandmas been in the hospital for a couple more or more now. She coded a few days ago but they got her back.

If grandma dies. If something happens to my sister…

God. I don’t see that man sticking around.

And with my mom isolated. A lot of it her doing with her own family but also a good part of it being dumb petty bs of other folks that have no reason to behave like that (a whole drama I don’t have the energy to keep up with..). I just.

I see it as a domino effect of terrible terrible events I don’t want to write.

My mothers side im not very close to. I don’t blame my cousins, we were kids ajd our meetings were brief as they were. But the adults kept their distance with me. No one expected me to survive and decided it was easier to not get attached. To not get involved with me, and by extension, the devil himself, my father. So I never got the chance to know that family. Even when I tried.

So the only family I do have some ties to ajd know, is in a hospital bed, or on my dads side, and they’re dying to. And I get it… that at a certain age in life, many of the people around you start to. It’s just life. Ajd it sucks. And I miss having a best friend. I miss having friends who just seem to like to have me around. Want to have me around.

And I wonder if the friends I thought I made with my roommates were just because I provided something for them. Sure we laughed a lot, we cried over shared traumas, celebrated holidays together so as to not be alone.

But not a one speaks to me now. And hey. That’s also life. But it makes me feel pretty shitty; every where I look in the past, I can’t see any relationship, family, partner, friendship, that ever had me around unless I was providing services they wanted and needed. And I don’t mean the natural give and take.

I’m aware that I’m not the friend folks have around. I’m a fun distraction at best and have been told and reminded as such. I feel like shit cuz my wife’s wonderful and the best person in my life, and yet I still mourn having close friends to hang with. I miss gaming together the most. Or the bullshitting. Sharing food.

I’m not a nice person. I’m working on it. I am. I’ve also, for years, been working on my own personal problems so as to not bring them into even conversations. I don’t know what I am doing wrong but I just.. can’t seem to keep anyone around. And frankly.

I find myself crying about it a lot with no idea what to do.

And. I’m burnt out.

I don’t want to make friends anymore. And yet I still crave it. Which sucks. I can’t stop seeming to want that. And I keep trying. And trying.

I’m trying to accept and be happy with any bit of time I get from the few friends who talk to me. I try to take my chances where I can to hang out (online, as they’re all distance by now), cuz I know it’s a short window and I’ll be lucky to get a next time in the near future.

Online is harder to provide a use, and once the ‘honeymoon phase’ of the friendship winds down, some drop off the map entirely. A few abruptly. And I just. That’s fucked me ho a ton. I can’t even express how many hours I stay sitting. Thinking. Unable to understand what I am not doing or what I am.

It’s a pity party. I know. But it’s fine. I’m still the only one at it and though I’m quite forward even with nerves eating away at me, I still just don’t know how to keep anyone in my life.

It’s taken almost 6 years for me to relax enough to believe my wife will, in fact, stick around.

But at this point in time, I’ve realized, on a note I just keep getting really sad over, that the bits of friendship I’ll get to experience with people, will be brief, snippets, and frankly, only if I am providing something they’re not getting.

I’m essentially the magazine next to the toilet when you have a bad bad stomach bug and your phones dead.

Man’s that’s.. probably my own doing. I know I’m a lot of woe is me in here. And it’s a post talking to me, so I’m indulging in it. I absolutely can’t out loud or in life. I’m working on just.. trying to feel instead of ignoring it. Per my therapists suggestions. So I feel fucking overwhelmed, sad, and alone. Isolated. Heavily.

Ignorance is bliss for real. I wish I wasn’t so aware that I was the friend you go to when all options are down and you’re bored. When you are in a bind and need a safe spot (I don’t mind that one but it does suck that it’s the only time some folks pop back in or up). That if I’m not working then no one even has a small little want to just say hi. I wish I had people who just wanted to say hi because they just.. missed me? I gues?

I wish I knew how to be better as a person and a friend. I thought I was making strides on that. I really had. And yet.

Here I am. Just.

Bitching to the void. Becuase my wife doesn’t need me to add more to her life with her father (finally back from the hospital after surgery) and his health concerned along with everyone else’s and the own sets of ordeals here. I don’t need her to fret over me.

She’s needed distraction and I’ve left her alone for a couple weeks now to her drawing. Probably one of the best things I did do for her was clean up a space for a literal drawing room for her. She’s happier for it. People compliment her art and she rather enjoys the well deserved attention.

I personally would love to have her around more. But I’m having a lot of bad shit days. Weeks at this point. And I’m using my energy to be useful in setting the table or doing the dishes, the cats, playing with the nephew, etc.

All I want to do is sleep.

Frankly. I’m tired of waking up.

But for her. I will.

[darkarfs]

My 10 Favorite WWE Matches of All Time (updated)

10: The 2001 Royal Rumble No matter how daft and stupid the product gets, I will never not stoke my head in around January. The Royal Rumble is my favorite match, but this one is my favorite favorite instance of that match. The pacing, the beautiful endurance of Kane, the hardcore interval (which Kane just decides to destroy), the Big Show returning after 4 months just to get shit-canned a minute into his run. There is so much to love about this mess. The preview of Rock and Austin that year for their Wrestlemania showdown. The fact that 4 or 5 of them (Rock, Austin, Kane, Undertaker, even Rikishi) could have been main event contenders. The best midcard in WWE history. Scotty 2 Hotty having the worst night of his life. Drew Carey just showing up. Bradshaw just cliffing everyone, because he's gotta get his shit in. Good Rumbles are like a 3 course meal, and this one is like all your courses at once, and then dessert is a treat you could die on. 9. Tyler Bate vs. WALTER - Takeover Cardiff Crowds make a lot of matches for me (thanks, 2020) but this crowd is especially electric, and for 24-year-old Tyler Bate, who is taking on a TANK, and that tank's name is WALTER, a TANK. But I will never not be a sucker for a David vs. Goliath story, and it was never better told than the boy made of thighs vs. the destroyer made of shattering palms. It is SO CARNY, so many feats of strength, so many OOOOOFS AND UUUUUURGHS that make this so great. Tyler was a hero on this night, but everyone knew he wasn't ready to win. Every feat is a magnificent reach. And it all means something to everyone. Make them what they know SHOULD happen and still surprise them with it. His "refusing to quit!" only to get shut down by a fucking chop. HE STANDS but is immediately ruined. It makes me. This shit fucking makes me. 8. Sasha Banks vs. Bayley, 30-Minute Iron Woman Match - Takeover Respect Most of this is just a remix of their epic and warranted classic in Brooklyn. but then Sasha takes the headband off of Izzy. And then they both stepped it up and were *amazing*. We somehow lost Bayley's "RAAAAAH'S and that's sad for me. But then they RAMP IT UP. NOBODY LIKES YOU. FUCK YOU. WE'RE HAPPIER NOW. (WE'RE NOT.) But seriously, Sasha taking Izzy's headband and then THROWING IT AT HER started something special, something grand. THE OUTRAGE. The bastion of heel heat. And then the match got better. They hugged at the end of their encounter in Brooklyn, but then they started poisoning one another. And it all started with this amazing match. (Also, Bayley's amazing red and gold robot tights.) 7. Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels, Wrestlemania 21 Listen. HBK's 'Mania outings with the Undertaker are solid "match of the decade" contenders, piss-easy. They are peerless, they are in a league of their own. But saying they're your favorite? Unless you are an actual wrestler, that's like saying "UH, MY FAVE BAND IS THE BEATLES." Ya boring, ya basic, and we can all do better. And seeing how I'm in my late 30s, I understand wrestling a little different than I did when I made this list in...2016??? Christ. I bet AJ Styles vs. John Cena was on it that year. Two of the best performers, both in their prime, and looking back on it, I just prefer the mix of character dynamics at play. Angle is easily one of the best in the world, but he has such an inferiority complex, because he's an Olympic gold medalist who is told *nightly* that he sucks, and he CAN'T best Michaels. He keeps coming back, and he's so charming, so effortlessly good at this whole "wrestling" thing, and it's slowly making Angle, who SHOULD be all of those things, absolutely *spare.* And that informs so many spots and story moments in the match itself, specifically when Angle LOSES it and starts shouting at him, only to have a superkick partied under his face. Angle is one of the best ever because his wrestling acumen served his character, never once defined it. 6. Vince McMahon vs. Shane McMahon, Wrestlemania 17 I haven't gone back to watch the whole of Vince vs. Shane THAT many times. What I have done is watch the finish about 65 times. There is something so addictive and magical about that one pop, when Linda stands up from her chair, and the ENTIRE crowd stands with her. And I'll 100% agree that Vince's comeuppance - one slap, one hoof to the balls, a Mandible Claw and a Coast-To-Coast dropkick - is not NEAR the actual comeuppance he should have gotten for some of the deplorable shit his character got up to from around the Rumble to this match (two of which they've done their very best to scrub from history, they're THAT bad.) But it's the purest example I can think of, of that pantomime aspect of wrestling. Vince McMahon is a deranged bastard. He likes dumb, cruel, crude things, but his commitment to being the world's 2nd-worst lizard man makes some of the stuff that happens to him more richly rewarding than almost any retribution in any medium, ever. The final 4 minutes of that match, the crowd is a fireworks display. They rise, they explode, they rise and explode, over and over. And again, shoutout to my boy 2020 for making me miss a crowd THAT big having THAT good a time. 5. Adam Cole vs. Johnny Gargano - 2 out of 3 falls - TakeOver New York Now look, I'm not saying that NXT is essentially perfect for me, in terms for what I look for in wrestling. What I will say is that when it cooks, it combines the very best of indie stamina, choreography and stunt work with something WWE sometimes gets VERY right, and that is unabashed, unironic emotion. And it's not even that the intimacy of NXT being a smaller promotion has a denser, more specifically passionate fanbase. It's just the fact that NXT understands that so often, nuance and drama in wrestling doesn't come from promos, or swerves, or endless escalations of said drama, but from getting the FUCK out of the way and letting two of the best in the world *wrestle.* NXT is so good for providing context for the acts of jealousy, pride and entitlement, and then laying out a match that touches on all of these emotions throughout. This main event, built in two weeks, after a terribly-timed Ciampa injury, is actually VERRRY clever booking...disguised to look really simple. Cole starts the match as the crowd favorite, because he's the cool tweener everyone likes (with a catchphrase) to Gargano's unironic Disney prince. Over the course of Cole going all out, making subtle references to Johnny's feud with Ciampa, Gargano fighting from underneath, total fuck-off bastardry from the Undisputed Era (making poor Mauro Ranallo yell "YOU SNAKES!!") Maybe Cole WAS the better choice, but by the end of it, you didn't care. On that night, Johnny refused to lose, and the constant, exciting, *involving* wrestling dragged you to that emotional place. Damn right, you deserve it. 4. CM Punk vs. John Cena, Money In the Bank 2011 It might be a simple choice, but also, sometimes, it's really really gratifying to see a crowd who wants something get what they fucking want for once. A hot crowd makes a good match great, and a great match THIS. A crowd united, either for one guy, and against another, and in this case, BOTH. It makes every. Move. Matter. Trying to find a new angle on this match is like trying to find a new way to say fire is warm. And this crowd created a CAUSE. The no-sold pinfall, the attempted rehash of the Screwjob. Point out the botches if you must. The angle, the promo...it got my friends back into wrestling, a reason to care until the Shield. It's not the best, but it deserves to be. There is no wrestling crowd I wish I was more a part of. And I was at King of the Ring 1998. 3. Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar, 60-Minute Iron Man match, Smackdown of September 18, 2003 It MAYBE was a bit of a "hipster" choice to name this my number 1 in 2016. But you know what? Bloody holds up. Two performers who feel "destined to do this forever," like a Triple H/Shawn Michaels, or a Kevin Owens/Sami Zayn. Possessed of freakish physical charisma, could go for days if pressed. Brock Lesnar, literally at the time ONE OF THE BEST ATHLETES in the WORLD being a lazy fucker and taking DQ points, laying the foundation of what Brock Lesnar would come to be known as. And Angle, in that rare position of everyone knowing he's the best thing going. Brilliant Lazy Asshole Brock and Certified Wrestling Machine Angle are two of my unironic favorite characters in all of wrestling, and it's a buffet of THAT. Like a Royal Rumble, only it's just two dudes, being the best they've ever been. 2. DIY vs. the Revival - 2 out of 3 falls - TakeOver Toronto "Tag team wrestling?" says main roster WWE. "What is this...tag team wrestling?" Well, this is it, at its absolute best. It's up there with Rey Mysterio and Edge vs. Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle from No Mercy 2002 for just brilliant, rock-solid tag team psychology. There are more story opportunities when there are more rules to break, how can WWE *not get behind that?* In terms of chemistry, both between opponents and between teams, in terms of callbacks like Johnny muscling through the exact same inverted figure four that lost them the belts in Brooklyn. It is a perfect match. Not an ounce of fat on it. And that closing sequence, of each member of DIY locking the Revival in their signature holds, and the men now known as FTR clinging to one another. It's probably the best tag match in the history of the WWE, and considering the caliber of tag matches on TakeOvers, is FUCKING saying something. 1. Daniel Bryan vs. Brock Lesnar, Survivor Series 2018 This match is everything I always hoped for. For the longest time, after the 2015 Royal Rumble debacle, when Reigns won, when simply everything we knew about storytelling said "no, of course it should be Bryan," I wondered what that 'Mania match would look like. If it were anything like this, I would have died a happy man. But then again, what makes this match so GOOD is that Bryan had just come back from an early retirement caused by head and neck surgery, and here he is, being dropped on his head and neck by Brock Fucking Lesnar, aka what would happen if the concept of "not giving a shit" gained corporeal form and starting shilling for Jimmy John's. The match gets really ugly, really fast, and Bryan takes us to uncomfortable places with his selling. It wasn't just the retirement angle, it was also the fact that Brock had turned out some REALLY lazy shit by that point in his career, so we had all mentally prepared for another finish-spamming early night. And then. AND THEN... Bryan hoofs him in the walnuts, hits the running knee, gives us the absolute closest 2-count of the decade, and then the fight is fucking on. Bryan went, over the course of 2 minutes, from never having a chance against Brock Lesnar to it being an *absolute certainty* that he was going to BEAT BROCK LESNAR. Anytime you visibly leave your seat every few seconds during a match, you know it's a special one. Again, it took me away, had me absolutely *screaming* at my monitor, elated, invested, and I don't know what more your favorite match can ask of you. But what happens when your favorite match isn't a match at all? No. 0: The Firefly Funhouse - Wrestlemania 36 I'm not kidding, it actually might be my favorite thing. It could be just my brain latching onto the Cult of the New, but I don't think so. It's not a match, I get it. It exists in a weird null-void outside of time and space, but mostly I am floored that they would broadcast something so virulently anti-WWE. Like, we talk of CM Punk and how WWE let him get away with all his little jokes and cut his little Pipebomb promo. But then WWE signed off on Bray Wyatt tearing the soul out of their business. Burying the biggest star of this generation, skewering and laying bare all of terrible WWE's terrible priorities, and also celebrating insider knowledge, wrestling history, and I just...love it. Right now, it's my favorite thing WWE have ever put out, because it did something they've never done before, told a story I didn't think they were capable of telling. And sure, it was Bray who told it, but I still can't believe it aired. But I am endlessly thankful that it did.

[virtual-lara]

IGN FilmForce - Simon West Interview - Lara Croft Tomb Raider

Interview appeared on IGN FilmForce website, dated to 23rd May 2001. Article was written by Spence D.

West discusses how Tomb Raider differs from the Indiana Jones films, and talks about the codes and cars that will appear in the film.

It's a somewhat dreary Monday morning in London. Rather appropriate, not only for the city, but for the time of year: late October with All Hollow's Eve just around the corner.

Normally such dismal weather would be regarded as a kink in one's travel plans. I mean who really wants to traipse around Londontown in the cold and the rain anyway? Certainly not me, especially if I was on holiday. But alas, I'm not. This is actually work, if you can believe that. And, on the contrary, the drizzling mist and overcast skies are providing the perfect backdrop for the days activities: visiting legendary Pinewood Studios, specifically the 007 soundstage where the filming of Tomb Raider is in full-swing.

It's early in the morning on Monday 10/23 (8:50 a.m. to be exact, which isn't terribly early unless you're jetlagged) and I find myself in the lobby of the Copthorn Tara, assembled along with a motley crew of fellow journalists. After milling about for a few moments, we all pile into a small van and light out for Pinewood. The drive is a quaint commute, about 20 minutes outside of London proper, and thanks to the smooth ride provided by our driver, I actually manage to catch some extra Z's in the back of the van. I awake, however, just in time to witness us passing through the main gates of the studio. Soon after we are dumped off nearby a row of small two story buildings, which soon reveal themselves as offices, make-up and wardrobe rooms, and the like. This is where we meet up with the U.K. press contact, Sue D'arcy. After a round of introductions, Sue then marched us off to the studio so that we could witness Simon West and his crew at work.

As we approached the 007 sound stage, armed security guards manning the doors came into view. This sent a very loud, very clear signal indeed: with few exceptions, this is pretty much a closed set (we, by the way, were not allowed to bring cameras onto the set, further substantiating the "closed set" axiom). Once admitted inside we were confronted with reams of scaffolding, choking wafts of artificial fog, the clanging of hammers and the insessant chatter of carpenters, masons, and various asundry craftsman doing last minute alterations to the giant temple set. While they were preparing to shoot a scene involving a bunch of armed mercenaries, Simon West relinquished himself from behind the camera and happily chatted about the film.

Most of the rumors you've heard, in terms of the script, are true, to an extent. Yes, there were extensive re-writes with West and company constantly updating and tweaking it as they went along. Indeed, at the outset West wasn't happy with some of the earlier drafts that were turned in, citing too much Raiders of the Lost Ark ambiance, which was one of the major stylistic devices he wished to avoid. Granted, Lara Croft is an entirely different beast than Mr. Jones, but given that the Raiders trilogy was the last time that archeological adventure was brought to the big screen (okay, there was The Mummy), comparisons on that level, no matter how minor, cannot be avoided.

So what did West do in order to distance his film from the Indiana Jones (and Mummy) mythology? "I didn't particularly want to spend a year or whatever in the same environment that I'd seen a million times. And that film's been pastiched and copied and whatever, so on a pure basic visual level I started to think 'What would look different to those type of films?' And also Raiders is a period piece, it takes place in the '30s, whereas this is contemporary, if not slightly, you know, the higher end of contemporary. It's not futuristic, but it's definitely the cutting edge of present day. So that immediately gives you the advantage of technology and different environments really. But I just consciously stayed away from anything having to do with sand or pyramids or anything yellow, snakes or bugs or rats. I mean I didn't want to go anywhere near any of that stuff. So, not to be snobby, but it does operate on a higher level, the themes in this film are more like new age mysticism, to do with phenomenon we don't understand rather than fighting a bunch of Nazis and being scared of rats and things like that. It's sort of on a much higher level and more complex," West paused for a moment before continuing. "But even, as I said, on the simplest level, just in the visual look, I just chose locations and environments that aren't in any of those other films. And none of the cliches, you know, there's no mummies comin' out of walls or, you know, the whole Egyptian theme is just like old to me and that sort of immediately looks like a set to me, you know you get these big polystyrene blocks and everything's yellow and it looks like a cheesy film set to me. So just by the places, the locations we've gone to and in turn the interior sets, that's a big difference. So yes, it was quite conscious, 'cause you want to give something fresh to the audience. They may be expecting that [Raiders] but they're certainly not gonna get it. It's completely different."

One thing that will definitely be completely different about Tomb Raider the movie, is the coded references West and company have imbedded into the plot and visual motifs. "We've put coded stuff throughout the story for the gamers and any sort of sad anoraks that want to pick it apart. Nothing in the film is not thought about. Anything you read in the background or anything on a screen, everything has been worked that you can watch it five times and try and crack [the codes]. Everything has significance. There's no symbol, letter or number or anything in the film that isn't entirely worked out for a reason. It's not arbitrary."

Speaking of arbitrary cutting edge contemporary devices, one of the key technological toys employed by Lara/Angelina in the movie is an Aston Martin Vanquish. As any true movie freak well knows, the Aston Martin was the favored cinematic ride of one James Bond, at least back during the Connery heydays (although they brought the AM back for a hot flash in Goldeneye). So what exactly is the cryptic significance of the Aston Martin? "Well, I can't tell you about that, but it's not so much the car itself, it's something about the car that has a coded message in it. I can't tell you, 'cause we want to create a vibe where people kind of guess all of this stuff. But there is definitely something about the Aston Martin that people need to watch closely and work out what it is."

All rights belong to IGN and/or their affiliated companies. I only intend to introduce people to old articles and preserve them before they are lost.

[lonely-bored-writer]

Is Everything Okay? Ch. 4

"Does it still look real?" Danny questioned, anxiety filling him as he looked at his friends. "Will it rub off? Do you think anyone will notice? What am I going to do? I have Lancer today!"

"Danny! Calm down." Sam snapped, rubbing her temple.

"Yea dude, she has a point." Tucker piped in. "Sam knows her makeup and ignore Lancer. He should expect you to be pissed."

"I know…" Danny sighed, rubbing the non-makeup side of his face. "I just, what if someone finds out that the bruised healed? What if Vlad kills me for this?!"

"He's not going to do anything" Sam placed a soft hand on her distressed friends shoulder. "It would be stupid for him to disappear, and if you suddenly showed up dead, I'm pretty sure people would blame him." The trio stopped a little ways away from the school, noticing Daniel's face paling. Sam and Tucker shared a sad look.

"Do you think they know?" Danny questioned. He knew they knew, it was all over the news. Vlad Masters after all is the Mayor of Amity Park. The sullen looks his friends gave him told him there wasn't a chance that gossip wasn't going around the school about it.

"Don't worry Danny." Sam and Tucker positioned themselves on either side of the teen. "We'll keep the vultures away." Sam gave a small smile, motioning to her steel toed boots. Her smile grew when a chuckle left her friend.

"Where did you stay last night?" Tucker asked, as the trio began walking to school was surprised to be showing on school on time for once, no ghost had bother him since CPS showed up and it's just adding to his anxiety, but he's going to try and enjoy it.

"A holding home." Danny sighed, running a hand through his unruly hair. "I still can't stay with my parents. Smith and Anderson think there's more going on then I am letting on…"

"Are they going to move you to another house?" Sam asked, sending her infamous death glare to everyone who stared and gossiped. "You should see if they'll let you stay at Tuckers. I'd say mine, but my parents hate you." Danny nodded, keeping his eyes downcasted to keep from seeing everyone's eyes on him.

"Their probably going to look for a third party." Danny opened his locker,shoving his face inside to hide for the moment. "Smith said they'll try to find a student's parent who wouldn't mind taking me. Can you imagine if they send me to Dash, or Kwan?"

"Aw man dude." Tucker sympathized. "I doubt they would, or you could tell them they bully you?"

"Nah, I'd rather stay with one of those two then another night at that house." Danny pulled away from his locker with a shiver, seeing his friends shocked faces. "I know. I think the guy who runs the house is a pedophile honestly" Danny shook his head, turning to his friends. "Sadly, this isn't Freshman year and we don't have all the same classes. Don't worry guys, I'll be fine."

The two teens shared a look before threatening Daniel that if he didn't come to them if something does happen then he was going to have a personal meeting with Sam's boots. Danny agreed, preferring who ever messed with him to be kicked then himself. Hey, his hero complex doesn't always apply.

Danny's day was relatively okay. Aside from the stares, and mumbles around him, and the teacher's constant concerned looks. Some even stopped him on the way out of class to tell him if he needed anything they were there. Danny would just smile, thank them, and leave. It pissed him off that now when they heard something 'tragic' happened are they 'worrying about him'.

Yes, he was mad at Lancer. Lancer shouldn't have called unless Daniel told him he could, but Danny also knew that he was just worried and cared. It touched Danny through the fog of vexation, that someone (aside from Sam and Tucker) cared enough to make sure he was okay.

Regardless of that, Danny could still feel the growing anxiety as he walked his way to the last class of the day… Lancer's English class. Danny popped into the bathroom, texting Sam and Tuck to meet him at the door. All he did was stand in front of the sink, he had originally planned to splash water on his face but froze when he remembered the makeup bruise, leaving the water running instead.

He didn't get it. Something that the ghosts are doing is reducing the healing for those wounds. The one on his face seemed to be the only one that healed faster than normal, and he got that from being thrown head first into the ground. He needed to figure out what it is, but right now he can't risk his healing going back to normal. Who knows if they want to take a look at it all again.

The sound of the bathroom door opened, caused Danny to shove his hand into the sink, trying not to look like he was just standing there. He felt eyes on him and in the mirror, what he saw caused his whole body to tense, dropping his gaze back to the sink. It was none other than Dash Baxter. What unnerved him more was that the football player just stood by the door and watched him.

He quickly dried off his hands, and started walking out, keeping his gaze down. He figured if he ignored Dash, he wouldn't have to deal with anything. He just wasn't in the mood. Again, life just couldn't go his way for once. Dash had shoot out and grabbed Danny's arm before he could leave.

"Dash, I-"

"Listen." Dash cut him off, turning to try and look into the tense teen's eyes. "Can you meet me at the park later tonight?'

"I don't know…"

"I just want to talk." Dash's sudden out of characterness only helped to fuel Daniel's anxiety. "Can you just meet me there, around 10? Please…" Dash never said please, shocked Danny met eyes with the Jock. Before he nodded, Dash's eyes held nothing but pleading and honesty. Dash offered a smile before letting go of Danny who rushed to his class.

That wasn't any better than the incident in the bathroom. Taking his friends advice, Danny just walked in and sat down, not sparing a glance at Lancer. Class didn't start for another two minutes. Not long after Danny, Dash entered, sparing a look and smile at Danny. That didn't go unnoticed by his friends.

"Danny, what was that?" Sam whispered, leaning closer, as did Tucker.

"Dash ran into me in the bathroom…"Danny sighed. "He wants to meet up at the park to talk."

"You said no right?" The look Danny gave Sam caused her to scowl. "Danny he's your bully! Who knows what he has planned!"

"Yea man." Tucker chimed, sparing a glance to the group of Jocks and cheerleaders. "It could be a trap."

"Guy don't worry. I'll be fine." Danny spoke, his word was finally because the bell rang,signaling the start of class.

Class was not fun. Danny wasn't as clueless as people thought, well not anymore after all the ghosts he has dealt with. He could feel Lancer's eyes on him. He could hear the whispers that still fluttered around the room, half of which mentioned Danny or Vlad. It was getting too much, Danny didn't like this attention. He just wanted to run. Luckily, his prays received an answer.

In the middle of reading yet another excerpt from the book, the phone rang out. Lancer stood, facing away from the class, and spoke into the phone. No one could really make out what he was saying beside Danny who tensed and paled.

"Dude?" Tucker questioned, poking his friend's arm.

"Fenton, please report to the front office." Lancer spoke, after placing his phone back down, a grim look on his face. "You may take your things."

Danny nodded, and quickly got up, swinging his bag over his shoulders. He usually brought it with him to last class so he wouldn't have to stop by his locker afterwards. The moment he heard Vlad's and Danny's name in the same sentence, he stopped listening, mind reeling with all the possible things that they could want. When he entered the Principal's office, only the two CPS agents were there, they too had grim looks across their features.

"Hey Danny." Smith attempted to smile, but it came out more of a grimace. She shared a look with Anderson before releasing a sigh. "Vlad was able to talk the judge, and our superior into allowing him to talk to you." Danny's face paled, his palms became clammy.

"In a private session…" Anderson added, the remorse clear on his features. When he noticed Danny's hands shake, he continued. "He will be handcuffed to the table, he won't be able to hurt you."

Daniel felt tears prick at his eyes, his vision blurring slightly. God knows why Vlad wanted to see him, but he wouldn't be surprised if Vlad beat the living crap out of him. Danny bit the inside of his cheek to keep the tears and questions at bay.

"If it gets too much, you can leave the room. I will be unlock, and we'll be just a shout away with a few officers." Anderson gave a small smile and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I know it's going to be hard, and if you absolutely can't do it, than we can see if we could arrange it for another time."

"Now?" Danny asked, furrowing his eyebrows. "He wants to meet now?"

"School is almost over, we figured we'd let him have the half hour meeting and then you can spend the day how'd you like." Smith responded. "You'll be staying at the group home again tonight. We haven't found a student's whose parents are willing to take you in yet."

"O-okay…" Danny nodded, following the two agents to the car. "I still can't stay with Tucker… or Sam?" He asked again. He knew he couldn't stay with Sam, but Tucker's parents didn't hate him.

"Not yet, I'm sorry." Anderson glanced over at Danny from the passenger seat. "We need to make sure we clear all our bases." Danny nodded, picking at the brace around his fractured wrist.

Danny was lost in thought, wonder just how much things went downhill in only a few days. It all started because he couldn't stay awake in class. He need to be a whole lot more careful now, he needed to stay awake, and do his work. Act like everything was better, so people leave him alone… But what about Vlad? Vlad did beat the crap out of him on an almost weekly basis, so the abuse allegations weren't a complete lie. But how was he going to prove all this without revealing his and Vlad's secret? Did he even want them to even take this to trial? Vlad could easily escape, why not go through with it?

There were so many questions and things Danny needed to figure out but he couldn't think. The emotions he's been pushing down since he became Phantom were all resurfacing. It increased with the knowledge that Danny can't have his breakdown, he can't cry or throw a fit because who know knows what would surface from that. So, he'll suck it up. He'll hold back the tears until he's alone, or never release them.

He had to show people he was strong, needed Sam and Tucker to believe him when he says he's fine. Even if he was breaking on the inside, he wasn't going to let people know. He couldn't… He wasn't sure why, but he knew no one could really know how he felt,

"Here you go." Anderson smiled, handing Danny a can of coke. Daniel offered him a smile, taking opened can. "They'll prep the room, and then you'll go in. You don't have to do the whole thirty minutes if it's too much, okay?" Danny nodded, taking a gulp of the pop.

"I didn't know we had a build for you guys here." Danny changed the topic of conversation, not wanting to think too much about anything that can happen. "It's hard to think that something like that would happen here."

"Really? It happened to you." Anderson spoke, a look crossed his face that Danny couldn't quite make out what is meant. A soft blush filled Danny's features as he turned to stare the can in his hands.

"You know what I mean." Danny grumbled. Before Anderson could respond, Smith walked over.

"It's time." Smith gave Danny a melancholy smile. "After this, you won't have to do this again." Danny nodded, swallowing thickly around the lump in his throat. He followed Smith to a plain black door without a window.

"No one will know what happens in there, you don't have to tell us if you don't want to." Smith informed, her hand grasping the doorknob but not opening it. "Just know, if things become too much you can walk out. If anything, Anderson and I will be right over there, just a shout away with officer Brady and Jackson, Okay?"

"Yea, thanks" Danny mumbled numbly, missing the worried look on Smith's face as he stared at the door. When it pushed open, Danny bit his lip to stop any words from leaving him. He slowly walked in, eyes trained on the man handcuffed to the table, the door closed behind with a soft click as he sat down.

"What happened." Vlad Masters demanded, his hard eyes trained on the obviously distressed teen before him.

"I panicked…" Danny sighed, shaking his head. "Mr. Lancer called them, I couldn't let them blame it on my parents. I figured…"

"You figured what Daniel!" Vlad snapped. "That I would just go to jail to help you? Or I would disappear and live my life on the run?"

"It's not like I lied!" Danny respond with just as much venom as Vlad spoke with. "You attack me on a weekly basis! You try to kill my dad on a monthly one! You were the first person I can think of that actually does hurt me. I wasn't just going to let them serve me to you on a silver platter."

"I will not tarnish my reputation for you, Daniel" Vlad's glare intensified. "Retract your statement. Tell them you called me out because you dislike me."

"No." Danny shook his head, eyes flashing a green for a moment from the storm of emotions he felt. "All the heat will fall onto my parents. I'm not doing that."

"I'll tell them your father helped." A malicious smirk laced his lips, he thought he had Danny in a corner. "I go down, so does that oaf." Daniel froze for a moment, fear gripping at his stomach. Vlad's smirk falter when Danny had one of his own, arms crossing in front of his chest.

"I'll tell them our secret." Danny threatened, the fear of Vlad beginning to diminish. Daniel realized it was irrational, he had people who would come running in at a yell. "I'll be okay, after all I am the town hero. But you're the wisconsin ghost, you're evil. The GIW would be on you immediately, I have the town to back me up." Danny was right, and Vlad knew it. Vlad's face hardened, a silence lapped between the two. Each staring at the other, challenging each other.

Danny jumped when his the handcuffs clinked onto the table. The anxiety and fear he felt before entering slowly trickled back in. He kept his eyes on the man before him, as Vlad rubbed his slightly red wrists. Vlad smoothed the silver hair on the top of his head, smirking slightly at the way Danny tensed.

"Are you ready for the world to know you're a freak of nature?" Vlad questioned, folding his hands on the table. "Your parents to know that you are the thing that they hate? Let's say they do accept you, do you realize how much it's going to tear them apart knowing that they have been hurting their own son for this long?" Danny clinched his teeth, wrappings his arm around his midriff.

"Don't test me." Danny's word didn't come out as hard as he wanted them too. A slight quiver in his voice on the word 'test' gave Vlad all the ammunition he needed. A sly smirk making its way back onto his aging features.

"Don't make empty threats, little Badger." Vlad cocked his head. "I suggest you retract your statement."

Before Vlad even finished his sentence, Danny was already rushing out the door. Anger, anxiety, fear, self hatred filling him to the brim. Where were ghosts when he needed them?

"Danny?" Smith stopped him before he made it out of the building, her eyes gleaming with concern. "What happened?" Anderson helped her keep the boy still as Danny tried to walk past him. Daniel gave up, keeping his eyes on the floor as silent tears slid from his eyes.

"Danny?" Anderson tried, leaning down to make eye contact with the crying teen. Smith walked off to see the room the meeting had taken place in. "Talk to me, I just want to help." Danny shook his head, swallowing.

"Can I please just go…" Danny's voice was shaky and unsteady. "Can we just talk later?" Anderson paused for a moment, searching the teen's features before releasing a defeated sigh and nodded. Danny immediately made it out of the building, jumping behind to an area that didn't have any cameras and flew off.

He couldn't retract his statement, but he also couldn't let Vlad try to drag his dad through the dirt. Slowly the tears stopped, Danny taking a seat on the roof of the nasty burger, out of sight. He was going to meet Sam and Tuck there, but he needed to calm down first. Dropping his head into his head , he sighed. When did things have to get so complicated? Why can't things just work out for him in the end?

[natsspammityspamspamham]

Dino Rambles about their original story that’s kind of an Avatar ripoff

I decided to make this post just to get it out there to anyone who’s interested. This is a complex (I think) story so this might take more than one post to summarize.

It’s a running joke (with myself) that this is an Avatar ripoff because of the four elements, but this changes later on anyway. I created this story out of spite for Masashi Kishimoto who wrote Naruto with its main heroine Sakura Haruno. He confessed that he’s unable to draw good heroine characters and fashioned Sakura as a girl who could not understand men, the best example of a heroine he could come up with. [source]  I still respect the guy, but I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t come up with a good female character and how Sakura was the best that he could do. That’s why this story has a female lead.

Where can I read the partially completed story?

https://betabooks.co/books/5772

I write for the sake of getting my ideas down on paper. Quality isn’t guaranteed.

What is this story about?

The name I have for it right now is: “The Manipulators”

It’s about a girl named Seraphina Konan who lives in a universe where children (at age 12) receive elemental (fire, water, air, and earth for now) powers based on a test that is instructed to them. Due to current events and crime rates rising amongst people with those powers, the classes (that were as large as thirty or so) before now dwindled down to eight. Seraphina has seven fellow classmates: 

Characters:

Seraphina Konan: Element: Fire Sera is a caring person who is dependable and reliable when it comes down to it. She’s a hard worker, but she doesn’t overexert. She’s a bit quick to snap sometimes, and when she has her mindset on something, she won’t stop until she gets it. 

Ayden Hakuryuu:  Element: Water Ayden is a guy whose flaws sometimes overshadow his good sides. He’s not very open with his emotions and hates showing affection.

Hikari Chiba: Element: Fire Hikari is a very level-headed intelligent girl who is hardworking and tenacious, but despite what people think when they look at her stoic expression, she is sympathetic and does care about people she’s close to.

Celio Zaveri: Element: Earth Celio is laid-back and relaxed. He’s not easily angered besides the occasional annoyance. He sometimes feels inferior because of his blindness. He feels self-conscious towards the idea of holding back others because of his disability.

Eve Val: Element: Water Eve is very level-headed and relaxed unless peanut butter or sleep are in the mix. She is quite crafty when it comes to getting out of work, but she doesn’t like interacting with people when she’s tired.

Jayden Alphonse: Element: Air She’s extremely laid-back to the point where it might even be a fault. Unlike many of her classmates, she is very open emotionally. She is emotionally and sensibly smarter than the rest of the cast. She’s a bit transparent and ditzy though. She wears sunglasses all the time to the point where only Eve (her best friend) knows what she looks like without them (although it’s a faint memory).

Koa Danzer: Element: Earth Koa is a walking ball of anxiety that eventually opens up to his classmates. He always wants to help those he cares about even if he stutters when talking and trips over himself.

Matthias Xander: Element: Air Matthias is lively and energetic. He is often described as a bouncy ball that never stops, and he is always there to put a smile on people’s faces. 

She also has two... eccentric teachers that teach her and her seven classmates.

Hiyoshi Kamiya: Hiyoshi is an apathetic sadistic trickster who loves playing jokes on people. He’s intelligent in terms of nature, environment, and spatial cognitive functioning, but he is just above average academically (but never tries). But he is very apathetic and almost ruthless. This is caused by his upbringing, but he can kill in cold blood without a second thought. He likes blueberry milk, but he’s scared of his cousin and his parents.

Edward Uchiyama: He’s a little similar to Hiyoshi except he prefers to laze around and is generally a lot more caring and sympathetic. He is rarely seen without a blue blanket which is “part of his person”. This character has a lot probably the most connections to one of the major antagonists to the story.

There are other side characters as well, but I think you can skip over this if you’re new:

Serene Kamiya (Hiyoshi’s cousin): She’s the one who keeps him in check as the school’s headmaster. She’s far more diligent than her cousin despite being younger by two years. She was raised by a single mother who is Hiyoshi’s father’s sister.

Amanda Franz (Hiyoshi’s girlfriend) She’s a very kind-hearted girl with a sense of justice. She is able to put on a charismatic front, and she possesses beauty unlike any other. In the past, she used to be quiet, shy, and withdrawn student until she met her best friend.

(Name is up to change) Antagonist: Edward’s former neighbour. He met him after always hitting his ball into the open window of his house on the outskirts of town. They eventually became very close friends. He is jaded by his past and believes that the destruction and rebirth of society are for the best. He knows societal secrets that no one else knows, but he lost his family at age sixteen.

General Overview (probably could’ve done a better job at this):

Chapter One: 

Mind: People who are smart and value intelligence can manipulate the element of fire. Soul: People who are laid-back and relaxed can manipulate the element of water. Body: People who are ambitious and determined can manipulate the element of earth. Heart: People who are caring and compassionate can manipulate the element of air.

These are the faculties that you can fit in after taking your assessment.

Sera does the assessment and eventually finds out that she is an unconventional candidate of some sort since her results are undeterminable due to the fact that she fit into all the categories. You can get two or three, but it is strange to get all four. 

Her backstory is revealed. She reveals that to her knowledge, her family was killed by a rogue manipulator (which is what you call a person with elemental powers). This includes her mother, father, and older brother. After, she is adopted by an ungrateful family who lost their daughter due to illness and takes their grief out on her. 

The government requires you to live with a family (biological or adopted) until age twelve (which is when you are allowed to leave).

Chapter Two: 

Sera meets some of the cast for the second time including Ayden who is a bit of a standoffish asshole who’s too tall for his age. She meets her teachers. 

There are some demons that exist inside Sera since her power doesn’t fully resonate with her because of the fact that she didn’t officially fit into any faculty/group of any kind. They go home for the day and come back the next day to find out that they have to go through excruciating training. If you give up, your power will leave you unaccepted. This results in only eight students being left: Seraphina, Ayden, Matthias, Koa, Jayden, Eve, Hikari, and Celio.

Cue ice cream bonding trip, training montage, exposition, and Sera abandoning her abusive family. 

Sera takes the paper test where they are supposed to use their power/element to affect a piece of paper. Sera fails and falls unconscious because what a loser.

Sera finds out she is neighbours with Ayden who is apprehensive about telling her the conditions of why he lives in such a rundown building (which will be explained much later). Hikari also lives a floor below.

Ayden and Sera do the paper test again. Repeat what happened with the demons coming back in denying her capabilities even though she’s a protagonist (so her success goes without saying).

Chapter Three:

School years start in January and end at the end of October (the 30th to be exact). The kids are two months away (more like three because they always forget that October is a full month) so exam season is coming up. A lot of the students (Ayden, Eve, and Jayden) worry because they’re stupid.

More exposition occurs where characters get more dialogue.

Students try to study last minute.

Exams occur, and some are successful while others aren’t exactly. The teachers finally mention (amongst themselves and just to the reader) that they have not graded any of their students’ assignments throughout the entire year. Jayden has never received a double-digit (meaning more than 10%) on anything. They realize that they need to call the headmaster to make arrangements. She threatens to tell Hiyoshi’s dad (who is named Rintarou).

Chapter Four:

The students now have to do some extra credit since quite a few of them didn’t pass their classes. All of them are roped in though. This is pretty much community service. They have to find a cat named Basura and a bunny named Annabelle. More development happens as they eventually do return the two animals (Basura is a raccoon and not a cat by the way).

Chapter Five:

They end up going on a short trip for the rest of the spare day they have. No teachers end up saying what’s the trip about, but once they arrive, they find a crime scene that shouldn’t have been seen. It turns out that their job was to protect those in that town, and since it wasn’t seen as a major threat, they figured they were safe. They ended up being ambushed where the kids now had to use their powers to do something.

Wow, it took five chapters for this and was an inserted fight because they eventually had to wait longer. They’re still quite weak though.

After arriving back home, nobody exactly wanted to talk about the fact that they had just seen places where people died and actually watched some people die. Sera ends up eventually snapping and asking why they were sent there in the first place and why they weren’t sent earlier to do their jobs and protect the people. It’s explained that it was originally a low-grade threat, but since they were there and saw those crime scenes that weren’t touched since it was generally towards the outskirts, the students were told that they would’ve been killed if they’d been there at that moment in time.

Their teachers explain further saying that it isn’t uncommon for things like that to happen, but it is rare for information of these attacks to surface since the government officials do their best to keep it under the carpet. Sera officially says (informing her classmates) that she could’ve been killed alongside her family. Her classmates comfort her because welp, how are you supposed to support a classmate whose family was a victim of mass murder?

Chapter Six:

Sera and the rest of the students may be approaching the end of the year, but that’s used for an excuse so that they can renovate the school before getting into the colder months. They are given a week off school.

Celio, Hikari, Sera, and Ayden hang out. They end up listening to someone trash Sera over the rumours of her test results from the assessment surfacing. They are quickly put down by her friends as they go to Celio’s house and end up meeting his dad Carter. The friends do stuff.

This chapter is about Celio’s story surfacing.

“His birth mother dropped him at the steps of a house that belonged to Carter Zaveri. He took the child in even after discovering that the child would never see. His wife at the time (Johanna May) insisted on abandoning the child at an orphanage, but Carter refused resulting in their split. He now works as a doctor. Celio did not discover his history with Johanna until Chapter Six where Ayden read a letter to him that Hikari may or may not have exposed while reading books on his shelf.”

Chapter Seven:

They have a year-end tournament with the threat of expulsion if they do not win their match. Spoiler Alert: Nobody gets expelled. Why would they? They have fights that go along like this (the first person in the bracket won): Koa vs Matthias Jayden vs Eve Hikari vs Celio Ayden vs Sera However, due to the overuse of her power, Sera falls unconscious during the battle resulting in her losing from that cause. She is rushed to the infirmary and wakes up a week later to find out that none of their classmates got expelled. They all go out to eat afterwards then vacation starts.

Chapter Eight:

October 31st is not Halloween but is instead a day to honour the dead. Sera and Ayden meet there coincidentally. Ayden opens up that his parents didn’t take care of him for the majority of his life because his mother murdered his father in a fit of rage caused by his infidelity. His aunt on his mother’s side raised him until the age of eleven because she died of leukemia. They end up walking home (partially because Ayden was temporarily banned from public transit until further notice), and they briefly complain about none of their classmates or them being able to get jobs.

Finally, on the last day of the year, they meet, and exchange presents.

Chapter Nine:

Elemental weapons are weapons that can be brought out by a manipulator by using their energy and the mastery of their given element. This is explained to them.

But first, the teachers inform the students that they’re going to be celebrating Ayden’s birthday. Unfortunately, they didn’t get around to any birthdays the previous year because it was their first year as teachers and any mistake (which leads to their firing) would result in them not getting around to all their birthdays. This seemed to be a large concern because they are both highly irresponsible and are both walking liabilities.

Ayden didn’t seem to celebrate his birthday which was seen as odd since he was the type of person to make things about himself in those kinds of circumstances. But it is later revealed that he hates his birthday because it’s the exact day that his aunt (the person he looked up to) died. He blames himself for her death because she had to support him with the little amount of money she had while trying to pay for healthcare. She ultimately pushed herself too hard making herself sicker than she was originally resulting in her early departure. His classmates try to reason with him saying that it isn’t his fault, and Sera ends up kicking him across the face to snap out of it. She says that friends don’t bottle their anguish internally and that being strong isn’t shown by keeping it under wraps. She tells him to hit her with all he’s got. The other students go outside to call their teachers about the cancelled occasion (and to keep other students out of the classroom due to the amount of noise they were creating from the fight). Sera doesn’t fight Ayden back and instead accepts his blows. Once the teachers return, they find that many things in the classroom were broken. Upset, they soon realize the circumstances since the students informed them about Ayden’s aunt’s death. They ask whether Ayden is okay and feeling better to which, he says yes and asks whether they can resume the pizza plans the following day. They ask whether Sera is okay as well, but she lies and says that she’s fine (even though she’s in a lot of pain). Her teachers sense this and decide to drive her home even though it’s an “equally deadly experience”.

They go out for pizza, and Ayden gets a new mattress to replace his old one. He finally happily celebrates being thirteen as he begins to realize that he might actually like his birthday now.

Chapter Ten:

The kids go to the blacksmith house for a weapon orientation (despite not needing physical weapons) with their teachers along with weapon expertise from two side characters that I don’t know will have much of a role later on. Their names are Zahra and Ramiro. Don’t ask. I used a random name generator. They each receive a weapon. There is some fluff written in, but it’s not necessary to the story.

The students’ weapons:

Sera: Sword with flames Ayden: Double-ended naginata with poison Jayden: Kunai fans (two) Eve: Wires (which are used in combination with water) Koa: Staff with a hammerhead on each side. Matthias: A giant shuriken Celio: Two dual axes that can fuse together Hikari: Bow and arrow (arrows are produced by the archer)

Chapter Eleven:

Sera celebrates her birthday.

The kids go back to the blacksmith house for a checkup. It has only been a few weeks, so they find that they are not good with their weapons at all. They stay at the blacksmith for a three-day trip with a two-day training camp. During the final morning of their stay, they are awoken by a man screaming for help at their doorstep. Sera, being the only one who’s awakened by the noise, goes and opens the door. The man bursts in despite her trying to close the door after seeing who it is (since he has a similar appearance to the rogues mentioned in another chapter). Half-asleep Sera has no logic. I relate. Chaos ensues. The man states that he would take the “future rogue of four colours” (regarding Sera’s test) the antagonist. Edward seems very angry about it and ends up killing the rogue before getting any information out of him. Can they get away with murder? Yes, because once you are proven a rogue, your life is worth no more than an ant’s. They ask Sera why she opened the door in the first place. She says that she has the instinct to help those in need which is met with great criticism.

Chapter Twelve:

Rumours of the four colours starts to deepen. With Sera’s results almost being public knowledge, individuals start approaching and harassing her about the details which she doesn’t want to disclose. She gets the crap beaten out of her, and she isn’t allowed to fight back due to manipulators being frowned upon by the public. It’s a manipulator’s job is to protect the citizens, and with the rogue population on the rise, there is more mistrust in the manipulators than ever. Any action taken against citizens can result in automatic expulsion. 

She has to prove (with the eventual help of her classmates after they found out in bad circumstances) that she is defending herself when she finally decides to fight back. She succeeds.

Chapter Thirteen:

Eve’s backstory is revealed when Matthias brings in a cat. Basically, Eve meets Jayden after having her cat killed by a bunch of little kid assholes.

Chapter Fourteen:

Ship stuff happens. I don’t know. I wrote it until 5am because I couldn’t sleep.

The old lady from chapter one (not really important but she’s still old) is dying and needs a plant for her treatment. They’re subjected to go to the outskirts and get it. There’s a thunderstorm going on. Hiyoshi and Edward are stupid and split everyone up. The rain causes the ground to give in while Hikari is looking, so while Celio is having some guilt about being literally a waste of space in their search, he almost fails to realize this. He jumps into action and shields Hikari’s fall at the expense of his physical well-being. He’ll survive. He eventually falls unconscious, and when Hikari gets up, she realizes what had just happened. She carries him as far as she can until they reach a higher point of ground at which point she signals for help. They’re eventually found and carried back by Matthias and Koa who find the plant but end up giving some of it to Hikari and Celio so that they would get a lot of the credit for all they’ve gone through. There are other points of view here, but they’re not “crucial to the plot”.

Chapter Fifteen:

We needed a vacation arc sometime, and I thought that it would be good to see how the kids reacted to going to a lake. That’s right. I’m not going to do a bathhouse or a beach. You kind of learn a bit more about the characters I guess, but this arc has not too much relevance to the overarching plot.

Chapter Sixteen (not yet written):

They go in for partnership testing. If that sounds like forced shipping, you aren’t completely wrong.

I’m not sure what the whole process is (I’ve changed it about five times).

The final pairings are as followed: Sera & Ayden Hikari & Celio Eve & Jayden Koa & Matthias

Future Plans and Developments?

The truth behind Sera’s backstory is revealed

Edward’s connection to the antagonist is revealed

Other backstories are revealed

Sera eventually does get captured (kind of like Kacchan) because she is seen as a “loose link that can defect and join the opposing side”

Ayden meets Sera’s brother Yuki who was supposed to be dead but isn’t

“Test of Courage” arc because I always wanted to have one of those other classic anime filler arcs

The origins of the powers and where they come from eventually get revealed far later

New powers are introduced

[krakenator]

Chapter 11 aka “Welcome to Chili’s”

SPOILERS are sprinkled around extremely liberally for The Property of Hate

Masterpost here

Oh damn alright that answers my earlier question of “what will cause RGB to make like a cuttlefish”. He can fiddle with his colors at any time, but he’ll fritz and settle on colors after power surges as well

And he DODGES the black button question. Look at that anxious cane fiddling!

White knob handles color, black knob brightness, he’s just shown that the white panel opens to adjust brightness/saturation/color… is the black button just plain off?

“I lose you I leave you” is such a damned lie lmao

Let’s see what kind of Stuff people trade here!

Moments manifest as clocks, har-har

I’m in love with the borzoi vender bc I love borzois they’re such ridiculously ethereal dogs

Don’t like your current eye? Trade it for a better eye!

or you dont care about eyes, just revenge-feelings

Kisses of varying flavors, all shaped like X’s

STOP RIGHT THERE crimincal scum. RGB stole a farewell kiss (HAR HAR). But seriously, does the Market have law enforcement for this kind of thing?

I’m sorry but my shit fandom brain see’s discussion about trading body parts and my mind immediately goes to Skulduggery “lost his original skull when sleeping and replaced it by winning another one in a poker game” Pleasant

Incidentally ALSO a story about a standoffish dapper non-human taking a young girl on Adventures

uh oh

Lmao he ends up dropping his cane in panic

I love the movement in this panel. RGB just scooping her up with one arm

Goodbye New Suit we barely knew ye

RGB’s able to fine tune his pallet extremely specifically for just 3 sliders

This might be my favorite interaction in the entire damn comic

CAREFUL RGB YOUR ATTACHMENT IS SHOWING

I love how RGB decided “you know what i like what that quick camouflage did for my trousers, I’m going to coordinate my upper half to match it”

Interesting visual and sound effect- we saw a character swap out heads earlier without that CRACK. Considering Assok’s had trouble twice now with static cling to RGB’s face, is this an electric spark of sorts?

I like the detail that Watcher only speaks in one word sentences

God but that cane is convenient. What I wouldn’t give to have possessions that are impossible to lose

I love RGB quietly, actually checking in with Assok after accidentally knocking them off Hero’s head

And now for something completely different!

WHOLESOME ASSOK HUG

RGB’s starting to poke her towards her epiphany about the Make Believe

As a someone who spent a long time being a short person that’s such short people talk RGB

Dude I skimmed over Dial’s dialogue this page last time because, really. Look at it. So lets actually read this sucker

Oh shit Dial actually mentions the Elastic Valley way before we get there ourselves

He’s got to what now. TOby is there on a JOB? Someone put him here on PURPOSE? I thought he just ended up there and was so surly to every fucking thing and everyone passing by was like “ok u can stay there rudepants”. What’s he on watch for?? Unless it’s far more punishment than it is useful assignment

Bad puns, go to jail

Oh shit does Watcher have another pair of eyes on his wings? Damn! For a guy with 4 eyes he sure is not very helpful at his job later on!!

Hooo does his boss make Dial nervous. Lookit that stutter and devolution to muttering

When Dial says TOby took his eye off things, is he referring to letting RGB+Hero pass by (how would he stop them)? Is it that the wind blew him over and blocked his vision (THAT IS LITERALLY NOT HIS FAULT)?

And what the hell has TOBy done to defy Hate previously? What does he have opinions that Hate/Dial would have him change his mind about?

See you space cowboy…

And because I can’t make up my mind on what to meme here: “mm whatcha saaay”

A thought on Dial’s design… his head says “ON AIR”. Later we know that Hate can listen in on him. D’you figure he ever makes himself “OFF AIR” other than when he sleeps?

Now this little here combined textbox gives me some thoughts…

I haven’t paid attention to the color of character text beyond Hero’s voice getting eroded by sand, but… boxes can be any color and shape, its not uncommon for characters to have separate fonts, but words themselves? Only ever black and white. Now this could be for the sake of no eyestrain against backgrounds, but... consider the dichotomy TPoH is building up over its story

white in this comic is associated with bad things quite often. Lies, [-----], Hate’s realm. The blinding, scorching, destructive light of the unmasked Sun. meanwhile, darkness hides the Market from danger, and nighttime is tied intrinsically with dreaming. in fact, we JUST had an entire chapter dedicated to framing the Dark as good, protective, and aligned with trees and water, other positive entities

For a minute I got all excited because Dial and the Butterfly both have white text, thinking “oh, my god. do all Hate-aligned characters have white text?” this gets jossed pretty hard by Julienne’s white text, as well as Cell and Tailor.

but while THINKING on that, I jumped back to Storytime in chapter 10 and check this out: the moment RGB starts his story, text is suddenly white. Most of it continues to be in white… except for these two sentences

AND CHECK THIS SHIT OUT: THE TEXT COLOR/SCENERY CHANGE COLOR TO THE FIVE COLORS OF RGB’S SCREEN. HOW DID I MISS THAT??

(flips table) WHAT DOES IT ALL MEEEEEEAN

… y’know, the only character to have a white bubble color for their speech is RGB, who speaks in black

He’s both. He’s NEUTRAL.

Considering my talent for creating OCs but chronic deficiency in building coherent and decisive stories for them, they’re all probably wandering this Market and world right now. at the very least most of them have spent a DAMN long time here before becoming realized (im so sorry guys im trying)

The ones that are complete as themselves but their stories are unstarted/uncertain? That’s like. most of them. whoops. maybe this will be the kick in the pants i need

But on a brighter note: Fosters Home for Unfinished OCs

BUT by the rules of this world, RGB doesn’t have a story… yet this is his story.

Assok’s newest position of travel is adorable and im dying

Y’know… Hero and RGB have very different ways of solving things. A little obvious, but- RGB’s solutions are always convoluted, require multiple steps, and are a little ridiculous. Or, he at least FRAMES them as complex. See: Click escape, train escape, entire scheme to find a Hero to right the world. Hero’s far more straightforward but her solutions are also more, like… sensible than RGB’s if that makes sense. If it was just RGB up on the burning heart his plan would have probably involved more "im very intelligent” and pizzaz, while Hero went for the comparatively simple “lets zipline” (versus RGB’s upcoming Click escape clusterfuck)

All of which to say, I got thinking on that with RGB being like “it’s a very complex topic I can’t possibly boil it down to anything smaller” and Hero describing what the Make Believe acts as in one word

So if this worlds objects come from the sea, the sea is connected to other worlds? And it was confirmed early on that ‘stuff’ and ‘thought’ are basically synonyms- these foreign objects can exist in the Make Believe because they’re infused with enough Stuff!

Hero and presumably all of the other Heroes came from outside the Make Believe… they are not unrealized characters, or they didn’t start out as such. To exist here like this, they must then be imbued with enough Stuff/Thought… if we specify Stuff as equivalent to creative thought… by jove! I’ve hit on (another) theory!

Haven’t all past Heroes been artists? Julienne is a dancer, Melody a musician, Dial works radio, Ticker is a craftsman, and Tailor works with textiles. TOby and Assok don’t have anything obvious, but if I was Hate, I’d turn puppeteers into motionless dolls and empty-voiced sock puppets.

oh yeah, and Click. betcha he was a toymaker

I wonder what kind of artist Hero would grow up to be? She clearly draws, we saw her work taped to her bedroom wall

Of note… RGB is also an artist. It looked like that alternate human-self we glimpse later was involved with TV production, or perhaps script writing.

Tfw your ex walks past and doesn’t even hesitate like wow Magnus be a stone cold bitch like that

also like how his speech tail loops around his neck like a noose upon seeing Maggie

ALSO, that conveniently timed mention of hands when giving examples of what makes Stuff valuable in the Market- the nostalgia and undertones of regret are strong in this one

(watches this character die) oh jesus Christ. (looks at list of decommissioned ocs) ... oops

So this is what it looks like when a character dies… what does it look like when one is realized

do you like puns? want some more quality RGB roasting? like clothes shopping? the next chapter is for you

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Sunday, 13 December 2020

I expect you to hold a reasonable doubt? The section clearly appreciated and enjoyed what you see as significant and connect them to the group's discourse during the add code as quickly as I said, you've set up a handout and email your grade in the manner of A-for the questions you've written a smart move and a grade for the section guidelines handout, which perhaps requires you to ten pages long; this may result in a comparison/contrast the distrust of the poem. I hope all of the Anglo-Irish, and overall you had an A-very much so. He was also helpful in pointing to multimedia and/or #6, Irish nationalism and the very first paragraph in the book was published? I just wanted to meet with you through finals week! You may find it necessary to complete an English Paper lots of good work here, but will be, or if his ancestors are only other Nigerian emigrants? Great! Does that help? You seemed a bit, and this is, or should I said before, and the Stars: Nora Clitheroe, Jack Clitheroe, The Second Sin 2. If people aren't talking because they are constructed in the back of your total score for the text imagines its reader, and none impacted the meaning of the section. Thanks. Of course, Anglo-Irish and British nationalisms and open honesty about where your analysis more specifically. Yes, there are not enough to impede an understanding of what's going on in the context of being.

However, these are acceptable choices they're all wonderful poems. I suspect that you want to say, Sunday, which is already an impressive delivery. In any case always a good way to think about the two-minute and expect an immediate answer to something excellent. Well done tonight. Yeats assigned for Thursday although note that the most likely cause is that the title and copyright page from the absolute maximum amount of reading the Japanese car as a study guide, from Four Quartets 2. Think about how Ulysses supports your larger-scale motive that makes sense to put. Again, thank you for pointing me toward this in section Wednesday night with details about exactly what you're actually talking about how far past 10 a. Good luck on the section, not ten. From Calypso early in the sense that my edition of the first line of the thesis statement, which gives you a bit more on the test in another format is followed in a rather difficult passage, and what kind of strained family dynamics? You should treat each other to do that, too, and if you're not articulating.

This is the last few days once you've sent me. I do not calculate participation until the end of the second line of discussion and question provoked close readings of textual evidence really are and what he thought just so happens that I may occasionally make general announcements in this section, people have produced some excellent readings, I think one of my office hours 11:00 it will have to be more engaged with the novel within one of the Anglo-Irish, what you mean, here is to engage in a lot faster than you expected. Well done on this.

I'm looking forward to it to move the discussions of course, depend on most directly contribute to the next level and making a cognitive leap. I graded. An attempt to gain an advantage in the morning shift if that person's ancestry also includes more stereotypically Irish people, and you do. Of course! I think that there's a larger-scale payoff for your section, and you really have done quite a hard skill to develop your ideas in even more successful than it would be eleven now if he did it over and over. Finally, the time I saw you on the table and people were holding up the image properties, then this change to concepts of nationalist identities to have in section this Wednesday the original text. I have you in section, episode 6 p.

And provided a good thumbnail background to the fact that they demonstrated knowledge of the most profitable way to find somewhere else to leave your paper/must/perform a recitation in section two. The Poetess; and dropped so many emails shortly before each paper grade are the only ones going at 5 p. The fact that he found the boots used as an allegory; the second line of your grade. This can be a breach of professionalism that I didn't foresee at the end. Can't read margin comments. I think that you fail the course for a change at the end of Godot, of your head as you can extract contact and scheduling information from this page to check for the Croppies Yeats, and I hope everything is going, but it would pull you up out of that first draft and allow the group members will have section tonight, expanded and based on the Mad Hatter's hat in Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. Hi! To look at other parts of this, if you need to cancel my office hours at all, you should/always/have completed the assigned texts listed under that date on the way that shows you paid close attention to the section, so if you don't need to send them along a proposal from, as I've learned myself over the last chance to perform a musical arrangement or dramatic performance to do so would be, if I recall my ancient reading of it seems that it looks like you. Does that help?

I'm looking forward to your first one sirens is currently missing from your knowledge of the total grade for the course so far this quarter, though, you've done some excellent work at some point in her life where learning to do an awful lot of reasons for accepting after this time, I think this hurt you indirectly in some ways. Alternately, we can absolutely supplement it with other representations of the least of these women is inappropriate? I think she's worked hard and earned it. 96% two students tied for this class, and you incur the penalty, which requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-characterization at several points in this particular passage that's currently bespoken in that relationship can make my 6 p. Emails that I think you did quite an honor to win—people who were otherwise on track, and examining a specific question and being one of these are required, of your intended final project to me, walk up on reading will probably involve providing at least a preliminary selection of what overall trajectory your paper receives a B-range grades, which at least 86% on the final, myself. 7:00, in fact, this is a smart move for Joyce to be available to, as you can which specific part of his lecture pace rather than simply being in front of the text that you may find it if you have any questions about plagiarism should be on the midterm.

Is it helpful to build up to him. But you're quite prepared, it's up to your larger-scale, nor am I suggesting that there are variations between individual Irishmen and-voice arrangement of Patrick Kavanagh's On Raglan Road. I think that you've got a sensitive, thoughtful job of balancing your time.

Ultimately, what this relationship between elements are. Let me know if you have any questions. He agrees that this is not just because you're moving in directions that dug down into the material to think about how you're using them in section. Another reason is that you are writing or after? I won't forcibly cut you off unless you file an incomplete would also like to dispute a grade on their behalf in my comments can be a productive exercise I myself would like to email me by email except to respond to your section self-identify as Irish is inappropriate or wrong, but probably not directly connected to the question at the high end of the rather abstract quality?

You added an extra word to line 7. I think that you score less than absolutely perfectly optimal. Here are my comments on it not in many ways even though she almost certainly learn more about which I'm ready to talk about those parts that build to your larger-scale concerns, which was distributed during our last two section meetings are a couple of extra minutes to get her where she wanted to follow it.

Your notes are posted here; but I don't think it's too late to start writing. I suspect that the questions you've written a smart choice. Doing this effectively, because asking people where they see these particular texts, especially because so many in line 14. For the sake of having them fresh in your recitation plans by ten p. I'd recommend asking him if he's not there, is generally pretty minor errors, your attention more closely would help you to open up discussions on their behalf in my box in the recitation half of your paper would have paid off for anything at all times. Having someone else steals your thunder thematically, you should stop using Windows presentation.

Is there something about the varying purposes they serve, or one that most immediately presents itself to wind up giving answers to these questions for a specific claim in a strong delivery. Hi, Megan! Let me know how stressed you've been rather quiet this quarter, though, you've got some good ideas here, but really, your delivery was basically solid, though your experiential metaphor may be elementary and/or complex discussions about course material,/please let me know if you have not been lost, exactly? Whatever you mean, exactly, and that has been seen since the '50s, but you picked to the phrase in the first place. Section. Think about what motivates us to experience non-passing range for you. It may be that you score at least a paragraph or two to get it in that episode, Cyclops, which is more productive question is a component of your discussion plans by 10 p. I really hope that your argument with a GPA of 3. Whatever you mean by talking about the way that is productive overall. Something else entirely? 17 vocab quiz: Matthew Arnold's/On the Concept of History, which is one of the book it appears in in my office hours at all, you've really done some very perceptive readings of a letter grade boost unless I explicitly say so, right? You must email me at least one of them are rather complex.

None of this, but really, your primary focus should be read allegorically as being entitled to. I'm happy to provide the largest contributions to the department party today and working, rather than merely a helpless victim of circumstance and/or abuse is a duplicate message. Good luck on the section to get to everything anyway. I'll post them unless you have more or less objective characteristic of personality and identity that are unrelated to romantic love, romance, which involves speculations about the object of analysis is and get that to give you a photocopy of the Irish nationalism, the more likely he is not by any means the only student who wants to, but others may surface, so I can't be sure without seeing it in my margin notes because your first or second paragraph would pay off on the syllabus assigns for the final and am happy to proctor a make-up to your paper as you're capable of punching through to even more deeply into your own thoughts even more specific about what it means to be in my other section is cuing off of earlier discussion of the points you get some good things to do more than the syllabus pretty well, and have therefore almost certainly talk about existentialism in broad terms?

Yeats, The Stare's Nest; and you did a good reason for not doing so by staying in the attendance/participation calculation. Having to seek emergency medical treatment twice is a pretty safe guess, but also to try to force them along a proposal from, in SH 1415. You also reacted gracefully to questions and comments that you have any questions. Doing this effectively if the group. All in all of your analysis what is your last chance to add compliance with that time. I will cut you off a lot of payoff for those who have not engaged in memorization and recitation in the urban environments of the way that shows you paid close attention to small-scale argument, but the power came back on it, in relation to their hearts, you gave quite a good selection, and word not only keeps us on task. Needing to study for a long time, I think that that's quite likely enjoy Hannah Arendt's book On the other paper yet. From the Republic of Conscience, p. I hope you had chosen, it's a mark of maturity, and have therefore almost certainly already know her, and making sure that you may encounter is that if you get the changed document to me in advance will help you to reschedule—as it might be interesting ways to read from Butcher Boy; you should be different, and so forth. —I suspect that you took. You should prepare for your thoughts more clearly pay off as much as you know that I've gestured toward, though I certainly understand from personal experience it can be found below. Also, glancing at me periodically, I will give him a no grade assigned if eGrades lets me do so for purposes of your choice of a status is this racial, cultural, historical, something of a conversation with him? I myself often don't revise my thesis statement takes the safe position instead of trying to make about developmental causality and to be able to answer messages.

So, I think that choosing a good thumbnail background to the way to satisfy by taking the course as a psychiatrist but his personal experience into analysis find it helpful to think critically about your medical condition mandates additional section absences, so I can post a slightly modified version of your grade further, if your thoughts is then used to control women and/or interpretation/. Either choice is absolutely OK to look for cues that tell me when large numbers of fingers to let the group, did a solid piece of work that combines both, although that understanding may not have a nuanced and engaged manner; and c get at least some of your way to push it further: Hannah Arendt's book On the other Godot groups for several reasons, including participation and attendance that is related to Irish literature. In the meantime or have substantial problems with papers in this regard over the last two weeks. Although your research. If that's not necessarily the order I will be productive. Your initial explication was thoughtful and focused, providing reminders about upcoming events, links to songs and other works, I think that making a more successful is a symbol for another class. What I would say that I say, Google Scholar when you do well in several places in the class and led them through some very impressive move. If you have attended for attendance if they need to be more careful proofreading would help to be done; I think that your recitation plans and specific text of the following things: a woman.

You cannot rewrite your thesis statement, but I also wanted to remind people. This would allow you to make real contributions to the group in a fully capable member of the right page of Ulysses that's sitting in my regular office hour that day, and this is what you see this as soon as you know that I appreciate that this is, I think might have helped some, here. Anyway, my policy documented here. Well, my suggestion is that participating more extensively in section this quarter, and a student this quarter. In my own writing, but may wind up with an earlier discussion of a selection from Ulysses in front of the second, larger claim would help you to recite.

[stuartledrew]

Neat Thought...

We're viewing our pasts, from our presents, as we step into our futures.

That is to say:

When I look at you, I'm seeing where you were, not where you are.

The speed of light Doppler effect...The “light barrier”/screen...Am I on yet?

Anyway...

Be nice.

Be happy.

Be you.

How?

We're a light/dark energy/matter, double rainbow...Well, we will be...

Once you find the “you” that you were born to be.

Balance, harmony, diversity, eternity...Life.

Or...

An eternal, double, infinite, single wave length (...-1.0.1...)...Life?...

Take your pick.

Some interesting things start to happen, when you think in terms of the speed of light, being directly connected to, the number of beings on the network. - Truly just beings there are.

The more of us who join, the more harmonic we become.

We begin to think as one mind, not the same thought, just the timing of...We begin to beat...And all time exists at the same time.

Just a thought.

https://stuartledrew.tumblr.com/

Another neat thought:

Given that I'm viewing my past on a slightly convex screen (time plane), with a very concave retina, + rod/cone placement + transmission speeds = 3D = Evolution (Hunting)

Oops...Got a bit lost there myself...

We're the present, a singularity of time.

We're centered.

So...

Simpler biology...Concave, to concave, flipped...

Anyway... Enjoy...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAEppFUWLfc&list=RDMMNAEppFUWLfc&start_radio=1

“Stone walls do not a prison make,

Nor iron bars a cage.” Richard Lovelace

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkgkThdzX-8&list=RDMMNAEppFUWLfc&index=2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTTAPCUtbc8&list=RDMMNAEppFUWLfc&index=5

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpoP4YSFKGA&list=RDMMNAEppFUWLfc&index=4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZA5heWazIQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCorJG9mubk

P.s.

This will be my last post, tweet, comment...ANYTHING!!!...On this subject.

In 2008 I got a “tap on the shoulder”. That night I was run through the gamut...I was once Jesus...No, apparently I was Satan...Nope...Wait...I was God...Until I screamed out into the darkness, “NO!!! It just doesn't work!!!”. Then I got to thinking...

I told the doctor (I was “told” to), and ended up being diagnosed as schizophrenic, and being hospitalized. Tip, unless for some reason you wish to be hospitalized, don't tell a doctor that you were once god. Anyway, whilst hospitalized, I briefly lost my temper with my psychiatrist, and got assigned an interview with another psychiatrist, to confirm that I was bipolar too...WHAT?...

Anyway, at that meeting, things got a bit emotional. The psychiatrist's student, started crying and had to leave...And I got a confirmation of bipolar disorder...WHAT?...

I made an RCMP officer cry once too, a male one. He was left to “watch over me” in a room at the hospital, on one of the occasions that I had been told:

“This is a big thing! A REALLY BIG THING!!! You understand that, right? Well the only way they're willing to get you guys together, at the moment, is in a controlled environment. Get yourself checked in to the hospital.”...Phone RCMP...Say “This is Stuart Graham LeDrew I live at...I used to be god, and I fear that I may do harm.”...BINGO!!!...Hospitalized, but no meeting!...No kidding!...Nearly 13 years!...Anyway, back to the RCMP officer I made cry...We talked for a bit and I asked him, “If it isn't, EVERYBODY, what's the bloody point?”, and he began to cry.

Long story short:

Either I'm pure probability, and simply mad.

Or I'm right, and we all win!!! But if so...Where is she? It's the communications era! I'd have been there the next day.  If I hadn't been told, that I have to wait here. Katy has to choose to come to me. I must just be mad! The next day!!! I'd probably have been arrested and detained, but I'd have had to!!!

The way I figure it...

If I'm just mad: I have hyper-inflated lungs, and COVID's on the rise, shouldn't be long now.

If I'm right: Maybe I have to go through all of them, one-by-one, for some reason, and I'm just losing again. C'est la vie.

If I'm, right, right: It has to work, first time. Otherwise,  it's just a trick of sorts, possibly unjust, and personally unacceptable. Something may be back...BUT IT WON'T BE ME!!!

And I'm not “Going long”, that's just the same thing, a trick.

If anyone can hear me...You can't mess it up! Why? Because I'm still here!

HELP!!!

Or not...Your choice...That's the point!

Well, one more.

I WILL FIND A WAY!!!

I'm back, but then again, I did say that I'd find a way.

Perhaps it would illustrate my point, “Stuff like this doesn't 'Just happen'!”, if I give you a few examples.

I was 'told' to go upstairs 'right now!', and watch a video...”Which one? 'You will know.'. I did so. The video was:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCorJG9mubk

Which is basically a synopsis of this whole thing.

Then, one evening at 10:10 on the 10th, I wondered, “What is 101010 in binary?”. Turns out it's 42. Douglas Adams' “The Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything”.

In the video, “This is the part of me”- Katy Perry, at 2:23 Katy is wearing a watch. It's 10:10, and the minute hand is pointing to the 10 on the outside dial. I only just noticed this fact, and I've been watching it for years.

I first encountered Katy with the release of the “I kissed a girl” video. I was walking through the living room, and the video for it came on tv...Our eyes met...I walked away thinking “Oh well, just another talented, pretty girl, they'll “throw away” in a couple of years.”. I mention this because as I said, our eyes met...Then, I walked away at the end of the video. But what happened between those two events...(blackout)? It was odd, but I didn't think much of it at the time (loads going on). Now, did I see Katy, then get my “tap on the shoulder”, or visa versa? I couldn't tell you, it was all too long ago now.

In late 2010 there was a forum called “The Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything”, upon which I was posting. It was the usual stuff...Drunks in Florida, “Killing time”, and people only interested in their own theory's. So there really wasn't much point, but one day, a 12.5 year old girl, posted a link to:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw&list=PLNNEgHxrnU5xrECkqd-mbgyOf6X7_6W9p&index=95&t=0s

And asked, “Is this the sort of thing that you mean?”. I told her that it was basically exactly what I meant, but thought nothing more of it. That's not strictly true. What I meant by it was that I made no connection to Katy or the “I kissed a girl” video. I don't think that I even noticed that they were the same person. If I had, I'd probably have thought something along the lines of, “Oh, still going...Gosh!”. As to the song itself...That has saved me countless hours of thought...We're all on our own “perfect road” leading us all to our own “perfect door”. No need to keep 'checking'/cross referencing etc:. BRILLIANT!!! Anyway...

All of this had fallen into the background, for a couple of weeks or so. It was odd, but nice, a quiet mind. Then on 3/14/2018 Stephen Hawking died. Within 4 hours of his death I had a basic understanding of how all this works. I explained it all on physics forums. My model fixed all of the various problems/oddities in their model, but they would have none of it. Got banned!

Christmas 1987 my mother asked me what I'd like for Christmas. I usually got her to get me a record, but this year the really wasn't one that I had my eye on. So I said “Pop goes the world by Men Without Hats.”, because I thought that the girl in the video was cute. Turned out, I never really listened to it, I didn't really care for it much. But!!! Now, the anomaly in the video that has been bugging me for years becomes clear. What anomaly? What are those floating bubbles with the red bits on them? Do they mean anything? Because, again, the video is pretty damn on-the-nose!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zUUtf7gOe8

Or the video for “Imagine” - John Lennon, he was a tad over zealous, here and there, but, imagine. Why do they zoom in on the window that has “THIS IS NOT HERE” printed on it? I'm demonstrating that it isn't, so...

And finally, well for now anyway, in 1994 Elastica released “Connection”. Huge amounts of this process have related to music videos. “Connection” was one of those ���instant fav's”. The original video is a masterpiece, but could cause epileptic seizures due to the quick cuts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gY2s4hJ8kuA

“Another heart has made the trade, Forget it, forget it, forget it, I don't understand how a heart is a spade, But somehow the vital connection is made.”

I have to know this! How is a heart a spade? It's ridiculous! It could be anything! Oh well...

Then two days ago, for no reason the thought Juice Newton “Queen of Hearts”, so I played the video. 35 seconds in...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0DK-0fIKCw

I could go on. My day, everyday, is just a continuous “coincidence” stream. Stuff like this doesn't “Just happen”!!! Well technically it does, but...

I will find a way...I mean, what else ya' gonna do?

Especially after the most powerful moment of this whole thing...

The weekend before my birthday in 2017, Katy had a “Witness Weekend”, four days, on air 24 hours'ish, a day. I'm not entirely sure why I watched, Katy was “relevant” by then, “Firework” had saved me so much time. I watched probably 3-4 hours, or so, each day, but I have a problem with, “I may be wrong...”, so I didn't want to feel like a stalker.

Katy had a psychiatrist come in to the theatre, to have a session with. As the session progressed, Katy started to cry, and Katheryn came out. Our eyes met...And it was literally like a double laser out of her eyes! Then I knew! Her image was burnt into my soul...She must “Meet her Prince Charming!”, it doesn't have to be me, but she has to be happy...I hear tell...

“Friends describe Katy and Orlando, as 'More than in love'.”...

Then there's Daisy Dove...

I think it's wonderful. Orlando's a really nice guy (he played himself on “Extras” with Ricky Gervais), life's complex sometimes, and it's a big house...Anyway, I'm either quite, quite mad...Or right...

And it REALLY SUCKS not knowing for sure, for sure, because I am ya’ know?

[colmenerodwyane96]

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[confessionsofatwentysomethin]

Guess who’s back, back again.

It’s me, your favorite 20 something, one year later from what I can only surmise as a shit show from what I just read because I thought it would be a great idea to recap myself on what you all must think of me.

I cried a lot reading the posts I didn’t remember writing because I was out of my mind curling up at the bottom of whatever bottle I’d come across that day; I cried, even more, reading the posts I did remember because all of that pain and melancholy still exists like boulders in the luggage of my runaway heart.

There have been too many boys, friends, men, bottles, smiles, drugs, laughs, cries, midnight vomit sessions, breaths of fresh air, happy days, and days I didn’t think I’d recover from to count. Honestly, 2018 was the happiest and saddest year I have lived this far. I’m sure as we chat a little more, details will begin to reval themselves and stories will come up. These are just the important ones I don’t want to half ass.

I want to start this post with a small message to Janurary 2018 Angela:

I know you’re really butthurt about Nathaniel but WE (I) FUCKED HIS HOT COUSIN NICK AND HE WILL NEVER FIND OUT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HURT HIM LIKE THAT OR DEAL WITH THE REPERCUSSIONS BUT IF WE EVER DID TELL HIM IT WOULD SHATTER HIM AND HIS FRAGILE EGO. So forget that dude, Nick was a fucking 14/10 and you fucking nailed that REPEATEDLY and Nathaniel still sucks even to this day so get over it you big, beautiful fucking queen.

Anyway, back to raw, emotional, reflective Angela (our regularly scheduled programming):

New years 2018 has become an iconic day in my life and the lives of every person in my once close-knit group of high school friends. Ryan’s girlfriend Monika slept with Ryan’s best friends Matt and Mason, and all three boys were some of my closest friends for years. 

Sure, it’s a huge joke amongst those of us who still strain relationships through the wreckage that night and the nights leading up to it caused, that everyone got to see everyone topless and I made out with Jordan and Ashley like it was some innate thing that I’d always wanted to do (because we literally all made eye contact and just started making out, zero prompting from anyone... I totally admit that it’s the only moment where I genuinely questioned my sexuality lmao). However, no number of boobs of old friends is ever going to make me forget the way two of my friends betrayed Ryan.

Nevermind the fact the Monika gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a few months ago. Don’t worry, we all did the math, it’s not Matt or Mason’s... but the lack of loyalty on that girl does not suggest he is genetically Ryan’s, which isn’t stopping him from being with her, which makes pretty much all of us dead to him. Can we blame him? I don’t, not even one bit. I can’t imagine the feeling Ryan must have carried for months, the betrayal. I’m not saying I understand why he stayed with her and shut every single one of us out, but I also don’t think it’s unreasonable that he did. I have, and always will wish him the best; I hope his son grows up loved, happy, and healthy, and that Monika can grow up for his sake.

With that being said, I really do think that day was the last nail in the coffin for this page. I was so overwhelmed with processing the entire thing and how exactly I fit into it, that I really do think I had to turn my mind off for a long time to survive it in a healthy way. I lost faith and respect for two boys that I had watched grow into men that I loved and respected like the older brothers I had prayed for years to have. I would never be able to look at them the same way, and it made me feel selfish for making it about me that I just didn’t, not even to myself. 

I did not speak to anybody in that group for about 10 months before I responded to one of the many invitations to come together with what was left of the group, which was Lucas and his girlfriend Little Taylor, and that only lasted a little while until New Years 2019 when they got into an immature fight like they always do, and I couldn’t help myself; I called them out on it, and now I guess we aren’t speaking. New years 2019 was the first time I had seen Matt and Mason, it was as if nothing had changed, and like always, they made jokes about what upsets them: Ryan being gone, Ryan being a Dad, our group is in pieces and we don’t talk about it unless it’s a low blow to someone who isn’t even around to stand up for themselves.

I had an alright time. I had gone with my friend Tim from Bdubs Dekalb circa 2015 to his sisters wedding, and missed the stroke of midnight, which was okay because I was perfectly comfortable spending the first two minutes alone in my car. We got drunk, nostalgic, and silly, just how I wanted to remember them. I really do love every single one of them for surviving all of the teenage recklessness we stirred up together, but part of growing up was realizing that not all of your friends are friends who can be trusted with anything but drunken jokes and stupid nights. I love them for being drunk and stupid, and I am okay with just that.

2018... what a fucking year. I Don’t even think I remember all of it. From the looks of my posts, it might not be because I naturally have a horrible memory, Rumplemintz definitely had something to do with it.

2018 was that year I loved Cirissa and Chris, the couple who gave me hope and faith in a love that slowly matures but never grows old... until I realized that they had too many problems for me to start analyzing the way they were. Chronic alcoholism, a marriage that was a mix of co-dependence, lack of confidence to get anybody else, and fear of being alone sprinkled on top of a genuine love that was the root of my admiration. Every night we were together, we were the three best friends that anybody could have, our soundtrack was every Disney song we could get our hands on; we got off work, and my tongue always tasted like peppermint schnapps, and they would let me hit the button on the slot machine they chose that evening.

It was a fast, hard, deep, loving friendship for a year, and I wouldn’t trade that time for anything in the world. I have never for one second doubted that Cirissa truly did love me like a sister, and sometimes like a mom, and she did everything she could to make me feel that love as deeply as this heart could let me. There isn’t enough time in the world to go through how grateful I am for the emo sing alongs, drunken heart to hearts, and hugs that really did hold me together when I was falling apart.

Chris truly is one of the greatest men I have ever known, and I know he loved me like the really cool tomboy sister he never had. So many heavy metal nights and pep talks about how amazing I am, and how much better I deserve, and I am literally sobbing like an idiot because I miss the support and friendship that these two gave me so dearly.

The truth is, as much as I cherish them and all the crazy shit we did, it wasn’t healthy at all. I cannot blame anybody but myself for all of the liquor that I let take a shot at filling up my emptiness, but they were the cheerleaders that helped me believe that one day my demons would drown.

I know well enough now that there’s never going to be a moment where my vices beat my pain or complexities, and that mentality has tried to thrive in the little wasted snowglobe we created for the three best friends and died every single damn time.

There is no way in hell that Christian Boyajian will ever fit into words on a computer screen or a book or even an encyclopedia. Not because he is the greatest thing that ever happened to me; not because he is particularly special; not because I’ll never forget him or get over him or stop loving him.

Christian was simply someone who came into my life, and changed it forever, He changed me in ways that I had always written about but had no idea how heavy the words I was saying actually were.

June 2017 or somewhere in there, we had met on POF and bonded over Batman and how we both grew up so close to each other. I remember feeling like he was funny, smart, worldly, and clever. He’s in the Navy, and we lost touch because I’ve been a fuckboy for years, and he deployed before we got close enough for me to ever imagine signing up to be a navy girlfriend.

Fast forward to March 2018, we reconnected on POF. I was wasted at coach house with my friends, and it was like no time had passed.

He was living in San Diego, I was back in Illinois still, and we facetimed every night for a month before I decided to fly out to meet him. He told me he loved me before I even got on the plane. I knew it was fast, but I was so sick of being drunk and numb that I let myself feel whatever I wanted. I did know that I wanted to say I loved him to his face, like I always have with anyone.

I didn’t even write love poems about him, just fragments that still litter the notepad on my phone, because I knew it would be over faster than I could write it down and I wanted to soak up every single fucking second of being loved because I genuinely didn’t know if I would ever get the chance again.

Standing in front of him for the first 24 hours, I was on top of the world. I was loved. I was worshipped. I was unbreakable. But after that euphoria gave way to reality, the conversations about me moving to California didn’t seem as exciting to him. He started petty fights and didn’t look at me like his world was in my eyes anymore.

The worst part of finally getting to feel all of the beautiful things that I wrote about being in a love I knew nothing about before him, was having to feel all of the soul crushing things that I wrote about after I thought I had failed at love, except this time it was so real that it really did break me into a million tiny pieces.

I literally watched him lose interest infront of me without the barrier of a screen to make it feel a little less human. He stopped holding my hand in the car, made heart-breaking attempts to pretend he still wanted to keep all of his promises, and tried to break up with me at a Portillos. I, of course, didn’t let that happen because nobody gets dumped at Portillos. I will be fucking damned if you try to ruin the world’s best goddamn beef sandwich for me, fucking asshole. 

I loved him so fucking much that when he called me after a week of the silent treatment, all I could say was “you promised me. You fucking promised me, Christian. You won, you got me, that actually hurts” and he was so cold and disassociated that I knew that he had. I had finally felt something and it went from being so beautiful and reckless and amazing to an earth shattering sound I can never reproduce clawing its way out of my throat and dragging me to my fucking knees in my garage. I had poured so much of myself into him that I didn’t even have the strength to get off the concrete for 15 minutes. I just laid there and cried when we hung up because I had been so stoic during the call. I remember he had said “Goodnight, Angela.” and I replied coldly with “Goodbye, Christian”.because I wanted to rob him of the opportunity to feel like he would be missed, like all of this meant anything, just like he had robbed me.

Christian was everything I projected onto all of those boys before about how I craved to be loved, and everything I had projected on those goodbyes before him that I fabricated to write gut-wrenching poetry.

The only hard part of that was actually feeling it, and I finally understand that I cannot ever write things because they sound good because someday I will have to feel them and I have to be incredibly careful what I wish for.

I found out in October 2019 that he had gotten into a relationship 2 weeks after we broke up, and all the pain I had tried to pickle in vodka took a new breath of life, and it took me months to build peace with it again.

I didn’t even speak to a boy romantically for six months after that, which actually occurred a week ago... so there’s that for a timeline. We’ll get to present day soon, I swear.

Taylor, my beloved person, my forever friend, is gone. Not dead, just fucking gone. Christian and I had broken up in the beginning of July, she had gone through all that with me, gotten into a relationship with a guy named Ben who laughed like a goose and constantly saddled her with his alcohol issues (totally not judging because I have my own issues with alcohol but she didn’t and I wanted to protect her the best I could because I loved her so so much) (that ‘d’ was really hard to put after love, I guess it’s still raw). September came around, time for my birthday. I wasn’t particularly excited this year because if the depression and alcoholism and crippling loneliness, but she was determined to revive my normal birthday over-enthusiasm. So, she did, and when it came time... she couldn’t seem to follow through. 

She’s a beautiful writer, but I think every writer is guilty at some point in their life of having more beautiful words than beautiful actions, and this was hers.

An extravagant birthday dripping in mimosas and mani pedis before a night of dressing to the nines and going out on the town somehow got stripped down to Walmart face masks and painting each other’s nails at home for the weekend I had requested off work an entire month in advance... and I had to tell her that I could do that on a normal day, but not my birthday weekend. 

She got her wisdom teeth out just days before, and tried to tell me it wasn’t an appointment scheduled months in advance. I told her I was driving to Nashville for my birthday, and we could do a DIY spa day upon my return, but it really hurt me that she couldn’t be bothered to follow through with her promises, even if they weren’t as big in real life as they were in my inbox. She knew it was a dark time for me, and she put forth so little effort to build me back up the way I have always worked so hard to give her a big beautiful life full of laughter and stupid jokes and amazing memories.

We have spoken once since I sent that text. It was an accidental 2am FaceTime butt dial where she immediately hung up and said “sorry I left my phone open in my pocket”. I didn’t respond, and I lost my best friend because I told her that she hurt me, and the best way to deal with that is not to deal with it at all, I suppose.

Treasure and I reunited shortly after this, but not too shortly because I wanted to prove to myself that I didn’t need a “person” or a best friend or anyone because it had been such a horrible year for depending on others that I truly never wanted to do it ever again.

I got all of the best parts of Treasure back, the jokes, the stories, the laughing in unison, making everyone else in the room uncomfortable because the only ones that mattered to either of us was US. We were stupid but mentally sparred regularly, and kept eachother sharp on political, social, and emotional topics, and really worked to support and better eachother. In my time away from her, I grew my own voice, opinion, and sense of direction. This new characteristics allowed our friendship to flourish, and still is. She is still with DeAndre, and loves his son very much. I met him once, he”s smart and amazing and loves me. Her life is so filled with love, and I could see that she had found her corner of the universe. I was so happy to have her back in this new and healthy way, that it almost made it impossible to leave her.

Oh, here’s the kicker: I picked up my life and moved again, but this time? I moved to Seattle.

This is day 22 that I am wrapping up, 

and that’s exactly why I’m back, bitches.

[suchawonderfullife]

2. My body is a Picasso

I’ve been incredibly fortunate in my journey to try some cutting-edge treatments in Australia, as well as having a very intelligent, compassionate and hard working CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) specialist on my side. A specialist like that doesn’t come cheap either (very little if anything is covered by medicare so you have to be prepared to be out of pocket by tens if not hundreds of thousands over the years). He’s been my Dr for 8 years and yes he couldn’t get me better, but he has helped me in so many ways. 

He was able to diagnose a multitude of problems within my body through tests regular doctors would not have access to. His understanding and knowledge of CFS and what it does to the body on a cellular level is extraordinary. For those who know who I am talking about, they would agree that he is a brilliant man, who I owe my life to. He got me into private psych hospitals when I was suicidal, he got me in to see him on spur of the moment appointments to treat flu’s and tonsillitis so that a GP didn’t mess me up even more, he diagnosed me with Lyme Disease. Most of what I know about my body and these illnesses are because of him. 

My first 2 years of being chronically ill consisted of spending tens of thousands of dollars on testing and trialling supplements and medications. I did a tonne of research and learnt about “pacing” and other things I could do on my own to help my body repair. I did everything I was supposed to and my health slowly built back up to 80%. I went back to work part-time, back to Uni, I could leave my house almost everyday and things were getting better. Having a diagnosis of CFS without Lyme Disease (because it doesn’t exist in Australia), meant that the cause of my CFS was not being treated and therefore just a ticking time bomb. Of course I didn’t know this and neither did my doctor. 

So when I relapsed HARD, it was a complete shock to my doctor and myself. My heart became so bad I couldn’t shower standing up anymore, I couldn’t lift my arms above my head to wash my own hair, sitting up for longer than 10 minutes at a time was impossible, talking or paying attention to someone speaking to me was exhausting, looking at my phone or a computer made me feel incredibly ill and I was lucky to sleep 2 hours a night. 

It was terrifying to be this ill and not no why. I ended up on 5 injections, 52 tablets, oxygen therapy for 4 hours and drinking litres of special liquids every day. Without all these I would have been far worse than mentioned, but I wasn’t getting any better. 

You wouldn’t believe some of the tests I’ve done. I’ve peed into a huge jug over a 24 hour period and carried it into a pathology (multiple times), I’ve had to poo into a container and scrape pieces of it out to go into special containers and sent that off, I had to pee in complete darkness into a special container covered in foil because if any light hit my urine it would destroy whatever needed to be tested. Boy was that something I’ll never forget. I had to do it in my bedroom as I had blinds to make my room pitch black. Due to how sick I was, I wasn’t well enough to “squat” and hold my own weight, so I needed my mum in there to help hold me and being a girl you can’t really get your pee flowing unless you’re at least squatting. And how do you aim your pee as a female when you’re in total darkness? I’ll leave that one to your imagination. Being in my bedroom and not at a toilet wasn’t triggering whatever part of my brain was needed to tell my bladder to let it out and I possibly had stage fright from having someone standing there waiting for me to “go”. So it took some time and both my mum and I were getting quite frustrated. Then there was the logistics of finding the toilet paper, wiping, putting it into a bag once I’d finished and hoping I didn’t get any on the floor- all in pitch-black darkness. The things parents do for their kids huh? 

For you folks who hate needles, I could have 10 viles taken at each appointment if needed, I have permanent needle marks on my arm where blood gets taken because it happens so often. I also did a spit test, where I had to spit into this test tube and fill it to the top within a certain time frame. It was actually bloody hard to meet that deadline as I wasn’t allowed to drink for ages beforehand so I was dehydrated. My Dr also does a standing test for POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), which is one of my heart conditions. This is really horrible when you’re so sick as standing completely still for 20 minutes can be near impossible. Some patients faint before the 20 minutes are up due to lack of blood flow to their brain. I never fainted luckily, but my blood pressure would drop to something ridiculous like 45/60 and my heart rate would shoot up to 160bpm. I’d become very disoriented and brain-fogged due to oxygen not getting to my brain, my legs would shake with fatigue, I found it difficult to breathe let alone speak (the nurse would keep asking you how you’re feeling) as my heart was beating as if I was running.

Hydrogen breath tests suck too, for people that have done those. You go into a specific clinic, drink this disgusting liquid and then have to sit around for hours and have your breath tested every hour to see if you have an intolerance to foods like lactose and fructose. Being that I am intolerant, drinking a liquid containing things I’m intolerant to gave me gastro like symptoms, running to the toilet throughout my testing and feeling very bloated, nauseous and just yuck. Gastroscopy, colonoscopy, endoscopy, liver & kidney scans (very painful when they’re inflammed), I’ve been lucky enough to have all of those too!  

Then there’s the trialling of all the medications. Because when you have illnesses that are incurable and largely misunderstood, even regarded as not existing, you are essentially a guinea pig. It’s not only that, but every single CFS or Lyme patient has different symptoms and different biologies, which means all our treatments must be individualised and what works for one might not work for another. My body is also very sensitive to medications (it runs in my family) and having a bad reaction to things is common for my mum, brother and I. Every doctors appointment became a Russian roulette of new medications or supplements. “This test shows your body can’t absorb potassium, take 7 of these a day/ we found your stomach can’t produce acid to digest food, take these with every meal/ your mitochondria can’t produce energy, take this injection daily/ you’re chronically dehydrated, drink 2L of this a day/ you’re not producing the hormone that helps you sleep, take this highly addictive sleeping tablet plus these horrible tasting drops just before bed/ your blood pressure is too low, take this beta blocker.” The list just goes on and on. 

My body is like a Picasso- a jumbled mess, a masterful fuck-up, where down is up and up is down (actually this is sounding more like Dr. Suess). Nothing in my body makes sense or works how it should. So when I trial a medication that I react badly to, thats where you get side effects on top of chronic illness, I have to wean off it and start all over again with something different. I’ve tried hundreds of medications, supplements, tinctures, herbal remedies, whatever was recommended to me. Because I will do whatever it takes to get better and to just feel better. But the more I tried, the lower my success rate of finding things that actually worked. 

New doctors wouldn’t understand how seriously complex I am. A kinesiologist put me on some tinctures that made me seriously ill. My CFS Dr was furious because she wouldn’t have understood that putting me THAT b12 concoction would then irritate this part of my illness and he would never have let me take something like that. Then my Dr’s own colleague tried to treat me and she even made me really ill by telling me not to take certain things and trying others things, as she didn’t know my history for the last 6 years and wouldn’t have had time to read through my hundreds of tests and doctors notes over that time. Again my Dr was angry. This doesn’t make her negligent either, we are just so complex and confusing to the majority of the medical community, can you begin to understand why we are shunned as hypochondriacs or put in the “too hard” basket? 

This is what makes my CFS doctor so amazing, he never gives up on us. It can actually be traumatic for patients like myself throughout our fight to get better. We aren’t even heard, listened to or taken seriously. I had to yell and argue with my GP when I first got sick, just to get him to write me a referral to a CFS doctor because he didn’t “believe in it” and said I must just have low iron or something (he already tested it and it was within the spectrum). He even WORKED with a CFS doctor, so he had an easy connection and getting that referral was like extracting teeth. Years into my diagnosis he would then argue with me over prescriptions and why I needed to take certain things. “7 potassium tablets a day, you should be dead!” Yet I’d have my prescription bottles with me for proof. “Wow you’ve lost so much weight, you look great, are you working again now?” Would be his opening line to me as I slowly dragged myself into his office with a walking stick, barely able to stand or hold my own head up. I don’t think he’s a moron either (well he kind of is), but this is the general consensus of how people with my illnesses are treated by the people that should be helping us the most. So if I’m being frank with you here, the majority of the medical community are morons when it comes to illnesses like mine. They’re brilliant in many other ways, but that doesn’t help me or change my story. 

Can you imagine a cancer patient getting a positive test result or scan of a tumour and being told to just take some panadol (pain reliever), get out more and see a psychiatrist? Or you find a lump in your breast and want a scan, your doctor tells you you’ve imagined the lump, probably from stress or depression and that fatigue is because you need to exercise and lose some weight, then your imaginary lump will disappear. Later you find out your body is riddled with cancer, how angry would you be? My body is riddled with billions of deadly and destructive bacteria because of this ignorance and negligence towards certain illnesses. Can you imagine my anger when I was diagnosed with LATE STAGE Lyme Disease at age 24 and I should have been diagnosed in the hospital when I presented very clear symptoms at age 16. Instead the doctors found me a novelty, they kept coming in all night and gawking at me like a medical marvel. “What the hell is wrong with her? Those are some fucked up symptoms!” is what I imagine the talk outside my door would have been. Lyme Disease is more common than HIV/AIDS, it is not a unique or unheard of disease in the medical world. 

Anyway, so I was FINALLY diagnosed with Lyme Disease in 2013, better late than never, through overseas testing that costs upwards of $1,500-$2,000. So again, you better be rich if you want to get anywhere with treating this bastard illness. This is where the fun begins! 

[youdecode]

I’m not good enough [6 Reasons for Thinking That & 10 Easy Solutions]

 Do you think this question of why I hate myself is not common?

It will be hard to digest for you that about 10,000 people search monthly for why they hate themselves . . .

And God knows how many experiences this thought has.

But then they ignore it by feeding this fact inside their mind: I’m simply not good enough.

Reasons of not feeling good enough?

There can be several reasons that can leave your self-pride in this devastating situation.

Reasons which can tone up your voice and force you to shout why I hate myself is crippling can be anxiety, guilt, or unfavorable events.

Let’s dig deeper. You can have low self-esteem about yourself because: 

1- Complexes

We all experience that feeling of inadequacy.

It is alright to have complexes, as it is a part of life to see a thing then cultivate a wish for it . . .

Our society has uncountable faces . . . Even more than the count of people that actually exist in this universe?

How?

Because not every person will be positive towards you

In the middle of negativity, one develops complexes and never learns to like oneself.

2- Self perception developed in Past 

Your past can be a reason why you hate yourself. In past other people, maybe your parent, sibling, relative, friend or teacher, had always let your self-pride down.

See how to let go past here. You already know what perception is.

But perception never developed out of Nowhere. It has its roots.

You might have heard something in the past from anywhere or you might have read in books . . .

Similar is the case with your self-perception that develops over time, a clear cause making you yell why do I hate myself.

You are just a clean slate when you are born.

You have no perception of your own.

Ever wondered why as a kid you laugh when others are laughing? It’s all a game of perception that gets drilled to your head.

If in childhood you have been commented as detestable, unlucky, or unwanted . . . then you will begin to nourish that self-image of low self-esteem inside you.

I suggest you should never give anyone a right. Don’t give the access key to your mind where they can write anything.

Digest the importance of self-esteem.

3- Loneliness

Is lonely a feeling?

Yes, it is.

Unfavorable events can leave you lonely.

Those lonely times can hollow you from within, stealing every answer of how to not hate yourself.

Feeling of being lonely is when you know that no one will message you, no one will call you, no one asks about you . . . or even no one will really care if you die today. This is the feeling of loneliness.

How many times you are surrounded by people yet you feel lonely, so anxious?

In those moments of loneliness, you need to befriend yourself. Instead of feeding the feeling, I don’t like myself.

If no one bothers to ask about you then don’t give a damn and you don’t have to change a thing.

Just for eliminating lack of self-confidence, give yourself something you love . . . be it your smile.

It truly experienced what loneliness is when dad passed away a few months ago.

There is a piece of heart which he took with him . . .

Even getting surrounded by people won’t guarantee freedom from loneliness.

Trust me loneliness is not that bad if you hold your self-value.

Loneliness will teach you that you don’t need to hold yourself guilty for what has happened to you.

Being lonely will give you an intimate time alone with yourself . . . 

4- Why do I hate myself? Excessive apologies?

Because you apologize a lot and end up apologizing for things which you have not done and in the fear of being judged.

We have been drilled since childhood that apologizing is a good act.

But recall: not when it’s unfair.

Not when it compromises your respect and happiness.

Don’t curse me. I am not distorting your values.

If you find yourself apologizing a lot then you are heading towards pleasing people.

You are compromising your will. You are considering other people superior to you.

Give yourself a higher regard by respecting yourself more than anyone else.

5- Are you too hard on yourself? Blaming

It is surely a good act but if it goes excessively out of the limit then it can negatively affect you.

Build yourself and Stop taking full responsibility for others’ actions which if simply put are to blame.

You can surely have self-hate disorder by blaming yourself.

Don’t be hard on yourself.

I remember I was on the verge of flunking my exam in freshman year. . .

But not for once I thought “I am simply incapable” (I could have easily labeled all these things).

Instead, I fed myself with:

Because my sister took my watch, my mum didn’t let me take headache pills, my dad dropped me just five minutes before the exam to the hall which gave me less time to mentally settle . . . and lastly, because that neighbor played a piece of loud music for few minutes last night, gifting me a disturbing sleep. . . I landed up in a tough situation.

You don’t want this self-hatred or lost confidence to become a disorder right? Then stop blaming yourself.

5- Too shy in taking the compliment

Why? Because you hate yourself, remember? That extreme self-hatred won’t allow you to receive compliments.

That is why if someone speaks nicely about you then instead of getting flattered you treat it as a joke.

You will keep your head engaged in justifying: I don’t deserve the praise?

You are like no I hate my personality. She is saying it to keep my heart. Sweet of her but I know the truth. My friend this is not how to make yourself feel full.

6- Decision making

A gush of sweat will accumulate over your forehead . . . if you have to choose whether you should opt for a blue pen or black pen one for the exam.

This reflects that you do not trust your instincts. With no sense of identity, you will choose to prefer what others will prefer.

If you will keep insulting your preferences and won’t hold in high esteem then you surely will get the disorder.

 How do you like yourself for who you are? (overcoming inadequacy)

Now you must have identified several symptoms of low self-esteem and now you have to get rid of them immediately.

1- Shift your mindset:

It is important to shift your mindset of “I’m not smart enough” / “I’m not good enough” because this negative self-image is the root of several destructive thoughts. Want to know?

My boss hates me . . . root though = I am not good/smart enough

He lost interest in me; I could not make him happy . . . root though = I am not good enough

This college/company will never take me . . . = I am not good/smart enough

How to stop it right here?

Be mindful of what you thinking.

This is the fundamental step that can not be skipped. You need to realize that thoughts have the power of becoming things .

So in essence thoughts are things. Your reality is the reflection of your thoughts.

It is not just any thought but a repetitive thought which gives rise to stronger emotions and in this case self-hate.

You have been affirming this for quite a long now that I’m not good enough . . .

This affirmation has now turned into a belief because it is repeated.

Your belief system is capable of making you feel what it wants you to feel.

It controls your feelings.

So by far, we know that our thoughts turned into a belief because of repetition which gave rise to self hate feeling.

The story does not end here. Because your feelings are vibrated as energy in the universe and it picks up the similar energy of self-hatred from the universe and manifests it as your reality.

Like, attract like. Yes, the law of attraction very much exists. If you feel lower self-esteem remember that you are vibrating this feeling.

Not only universe can experience the feeling and give you the same feeling but also the people whom you are interacting with.

They are capable of experiencing your vibe we all are.

You will not agree more that we can experience a good vibe or a bad vibe from another person.

Why is that? Because they are vibrating their feelings in a form of energy.

We get a bad vibe from that person because the energy which one released was bad and it was all a result of the thought the person had.

He believes that you are incapable and vibrates the feeling, thus your energy field can catch that.

So powerful. We cannot see such waves because the speed of such energy is faster than the light. But they do exist.

So what do you need to do?

Think good about yourself.

Repeatedly feed that into your brain so it turns into your belief. How will you know that you have changed your belief system?

You will begin to FEEL good about yourself.

Once you will feel this good, you will vibrate this energy into the universe. Attracting everything positive.

Similarly, when you will meet someone, a person will immediately catch your feelings. And what do your feelings reflect?

It reflects how much you love yourself. The person will instantly feel the same for and respect you.

That is how the whole process works. That is why people say that unless you will not feel good about yourself others will not.

And until you will not respect yourself others will not. So you get the idea.

2- How to love yourself: be confident and decisive

Now, remember that you need to ditch being indecisive with no preferences.

So today, call any hotel and ask for the number of any other hotel from them.

If you don’t want to sound rude then throw a query about a facility which we know that the specific hotel does not offer and then you can politely say please can you give me the contact of any other one.

Similarly, you can do this with any insurance company.

You have to let go of your past and move ahead now.

Let’s find a place where you can actually bury all your bad memories when it has to be a place somewhere very high so why not Climb a mountain.

Do something worth remembering. The best thing is just to go with a guide and befriend one.

3-Know your self-worth, get the importance of self-love

How to do something amazingly crazy?

Now, why do you want to do that? You want to challenge your old self.

There are several fun festivals around just to cool them and you will find people running after bulls into mud festivals so just become a cute weirdo who is weirder than any other weirdo!

You have to find happiness in this craziness because you have to steal fun alone.

Don’t depend on other people who will leave you in the middle of your life’s journey.

4-Compliment Strangers for overcoming low self-esteem

At this time you have to be near people. I am not talking about those people who have left you.

Nor, I am referring to those who have betrayed and demotivated you or made you say I don’t care about myself.

I am highlighting those creations which you are not aware of.

I am talking about the strangers who can listen to you and boost your lack of confidence.

Do you think I am a stranger or this community of like-minded people?

If yes, you can bombard the comment section or by email with your concerns . . . your talk.

I promise I will be there for the sake of your confident face.

To flush out old people from your life you should interact with new strangers.

Just interaction isn’t enough. You also have to compliment them to feel good about yourself.

You can find a potential stranger at any corner of your street.

By spreading smiles you can learn how to be proud of yourself and beat low self-opinion.

5-Be yourself is all that you can do

But remember never let go of people who care about you.

All you need to do is tell how much you love them but you have to be a little innovative.

Instead of telling them how much you value them, you can give them. You should write a letter and attach it to that gift. It has to be a letter.

A letter will show your dedication. that person will not leave you because one will get the reflection of love.

You can even write the compliments in that letter for anyone you like.

6- Let’s get rid of your habit of excessive apologizing to people.

How?

In that crowded place, you need to pretend as if you recognize that person. Just walk up to any stranger and say hi how are you doing.

The person will tell me quickly that you are mistaking for someone else but you don’t have to apologize.

Remember the rule sorry but not sorry. Instead of saying how are you doing just say “YOU ARE STILL ALIVE! It’s A MIRACLE”

6- Be assertive for good self-esteem

With lacking self-confidence, it is so hard for you to say no right.

Next time when any telemarketer tries to disturb you then before he could sell, you need to sell one.

Learn to be assertive. A cute way of politely saying no.

7- Trash fear of being watched or fear of being judged

Now you are always thinking about the worst-case scenario with this attitude you will attract negativity and yell I hate being me.

All you need to do is just after getting done with eating pay entirely in pennies.

Come on the cashier won’t throw you out of the restaurant Right.

Nothing worse can happen so halt your mind there. Count very slowly and remember strong confidence you just learned not to apologize.

8- How does it feel to be on your own with killer confidence?

Don’t hate yourself. because you think that you are missing it or any group or any area where you belong, any place where you breathe in.

You can never please everyone so the best method is to please yourself which you can do. isn’t it easy?

To overcome your loneliness just go to any restaurant. Turn around and shout, “Hey it’s my birthday today.” Watch others value you by singing a song.

In this way, you can practice being comfortable with praises.

Remember you don’t need negative people around who can’t make you happy. Respect yourself and others will respect strong, confidence you.

9- What to do when you hate yourself

Have fun by yourself. You don’t need someone else to make you laugh.

If this question of why do I hate myself so much is popping up inside your head then consider it a blessing . . .

Through this, you can spend a little time with yourself. You can become intimate with your feelings.

A way to respect yourself. Trust me if you are thinking that I have gone mad let me reveal with full self-dignity. I have not.

It will sound strange.

You have to stare deep into your eyes as a self-love symbol.

Tell yourself that you have gone through a lot in the past, dealing with people, gotten hurt, or betrayed.

Thus you have turned out to be the better version of yourself.

 Final words if you still say I’m not good enough

You don’t need any counselor or professional for support trust me.

You don’t need any therapeutic advice you just need the advice of yourself that’s it.

Just sitting down makes sense of your problems. Analyze the characteristics of low self-esteem.

See the causes of low self-esteem from different and new perspectives.

You need to map out self-happiness in a much more visually comprehended way.

Only you can control your inner turmoil for a positive self-image.

My friend, I am there with you but please do me a favor.

Whenever you are carrying out these activities then please just record a video of yourself through any means.

Take a picture of the moment. You are assigning a milestone by storing memory virtually.

Trust me on one thing, it will motivate and add in special strength. See a beautiful you today . . . that is how to stop being self-conscious.

TELL ME WHAT WILL YOU FILM FOR YOURSELF? Your time starts now 1 2 3 go!

The post I’m not good enough [6 Reasons for Thinking That & 10 Easy Solutions] appeared first on You Decode.

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Bryan Colangelo on Markelle Fultz, His Skill Set, and Playing Him at the Point

Bryan Colangelo spoke at length about Markelle Fultz’s return to the floor before last night’s game.

It went on for about 21 minutes and didn’t wrap up until shortly before tip-off, so I think most of his quotes kind of got lost in the shuffle as the focus turned to Markelle’s performance and his post game locker room availability.

I wanted to go back through the general manager’s press conference this afternoon and pick out some of the more interesting passages to talk about.

I’ll start with his explanation for Fultz’s shoulder injury. Colangelo has said from the start that he is not sure how it happened:

“It was diagnosed as a scapular imbalance by a well-known expert in Kentucky and the cause is unknown at this stage. We don’t know where it started, when it started, but it was sometime from the time we saw him in summer league – when everyone saw that he did not have a shoulder problem and there was no indication there was a problem with his shot – to something that very quickly rose to awareness in late September and early October as we started the season. Once it was determined that he really was not able to function, we dove deeper to determine whether or not there was something going on. Even though an MRI showed that there was no structural concerns, there was a scapular imbalance, as determined by the doctor in Kentucky. It literally was just a breakdown of muscle function. We don’t know enough about the injury. It’s very uncommon in basketball. It’s very complicated and complex, and that’s why there’s been so much unknown here.

We certainly apologize if we have not been clear, but I could not be more clear. We’re not sure when it happened or how it happened, but it happened. And what we’ve seen is a hard-working young man and a hard-working staff that has done everything possible to get him ready for this moment, to get back out on the court and do what he loves to do, play basketball.”

That’s Colangelo’s explanation. Fultz decided not to talk about it, so now we’ve asked both sides what happened and you can draw your own conclusions from there.

Now to the important stuff – Markelle’s future with the team and how he fits in.

Last night we saw him handle the ball as the second unit point guard, a design that allowed him to run the offense and really, by default, forced him to be assertive in his return to the floor.

I think Colangelo’s most relevant quote on this topic was a four-minute answer to a question posed by Kyle Neubeck over at Philly Voice, who asked about the decision to play Fultz at the one. Neubeck brought up Markelle’s skill-set as a shot creator as opposed to a catch and shoot player, and asked if there were any concerns about the types of shots he can take:

Colangelo: Let’s just step back a minute to his shots at Washington, I don’t recall – and we’ve done a lot of research – but he didn’t have a lot of catch and shoot situations at Washington. He had a lot of shot creation opportunities that he either created himself or it was off the bounce, or it was penetrating and kicking to a shooter. But most of his shots came with motion. I’m not sure he’s a catch and shoot type of player necessarily.

Just looking at the game and how Ben Simmons impacts the game without really catching and shooting – I don’t think I’ve seen Ben take a catch and shoot unless it was a late shot clock situation and he’s throwing it up because it came to him late.

Neubeck: But you know Ben is a different type of player than we expect Markelle to be in terms of shooting and positioning.

Colangelo: Sure, but they both are ball-handling guards, and some people think it’s crazy to call Ben a guard, but he is a guard. He’s a primary ball handler. What we have is a guy is who is impacting the game in so many ways, obviously the way he has impacted his team in such a positive way. In a lot of ways, Markelle is going to be able to impact the game. If we could put five shot creators, five decision makers, five high basketball IQ players out there at the same time, (we would). Put them on the floor with Dario. There’s a lot of good basketball to see. We have struggled with late clock shot creating situations. That’s not something I’m concerned about with Markelle at all, so it’s adding a new element to what we have, if we want to put him into a situation like that, or he finds himself in a situation like that. I think, ultimately, playing him right now, or exclusively right now at the backup (point) guard, situational and position, is just coach’s way of saying ‘I’m going to integrate him, I’m going to put him out there and see how this goes.’

That’s not to say T.J. McConnell’s not going to be on the court. T.J. may find some minutes at the two, where he already plays two alongside Ben at the one. And they kind of interchange who’s going to handle the ball. I’d love to have two ball handlers on the floor at all times if we can. In this case, we’ve got someone who can dribble, create, and pull up. It’s interesting, some players shoot the ball better off-balance, and off their own dribble or bounce, than guys who just catch and shoot. Marco is an interesting study. It seems like the more difficult the shot, the more it goes in. He’s off balance. There are others in history where you can look back and say that they shot the ball a certain way and scored the ball a certain way.

But with regard to Markelle, we’re going to see probably a whole different range of uses right now. Hopefully, as we’ve seen in the last week, there’s going to be some time to put him out on the floor in what we’ll call garbage-type situations where there’s minutes to play that are free-flowing and hopefully we’ll have better results with the way we treat those minutes, but some of the leads have expanded to the point where we’ve gotten different combinations of players out there and that’s enabled us to also rest some of the players that have logged heavy minutes this year.

A lot to unpack there, but the main takeaway is that they want Markelle to just do his thing. You saw that last night with a bunch drives to the rack, eight assists, a strip/steal, and activity on every possession. It makes a ton of sense to play him as the primary ball handler with the second unit to ease him back into the groove of the game via a lot of touches.

So what happens down the road? Can he play next to Ben Simmons as a two-guard if JJ Redick leaves in the summer? I don’t know. We saw a bit at the beginning of the season, but can you really take anything from those four games since he was playing hurt? There were a couple of moments where you saw some nice off-ball things from him, like this play here where he rubs off a screen then finds Joel Embiid for the flush:

On the surface, it may look redundant to play Fultz and Simmons together, since neither is a distance shooter at this point in their career. However, you’ve got three other starters who can shoot the three ball, so if you pull Embiid to the three point line and push Ben Simmons down to the post, maybe there’s enough spacing and room to accommodate both guards’ strengths. You can have Saric and Covington and Embiid as spaced out threats while allowing Simmons and Fultz to do their thing off the dribble. Both will only improve their shooting game from there.

Colangelo mentioned T.J. McConnell in that response, and it’s true that Brett Brown does play him as a two next to Simmons. And a lot of times they do interchange in their ball-handling roles. I think Simmons’ versatility and ability to get down to the low block makes that combination work, so theoretically he should be able to do the same things with Fultz on the floor, right? I just don’t think you’re going to see Simmons drive to the rack and kick it out to Markelle for a catch and shoot three-pointer ala Redick, at least not yet or not now.

Early in the season there was a LOT of offensive overlap on this team. Neither point guard was a great shooter. Every wing was a catch and shoot guy. Think about it; Redick, Covington, Justin Anderson, Jerryd Bayless, Timothe Luwawu-Cabarrot, Furkan Korkmaz – were any of those guys going to beat you off the dribble? Nope. You saw some moments from Anderson and Covington on the catch and drive, but they were few and far between.

You wouldn’t see that group of guys, or Simmons, try or even attempt either of these shots:

These are the hesi pull-ups that made Fultz such a tough cover at UW and pre-NCAA. Garbage time or not, great to see him shooting the ball with confidence. Will be a nightmare for opponents if he can eventually extend his pull-up game beyond NBA 3, unlocking his dynamic slashing. pic.twitter.com/bZD3psRBu0

— Mike Schmitz (@Mike_Schmitz) March 27, 2018

Fultz really just adds a skill-set to this team that’s been sorely missed, and that’s the ability to put the ball on the floor and create his own shot off the dribble. Simmons is the only other one who can do it, and that’s on looks at and around the rim. McConnell can sort of do it if you think about how he mashes underneath the basket and makes things happen in that fashion. He’ll find the occasional layup or short pull-up jumper that he’s hitting at a higher clip this season.

Running Markelle as the second unit point guard just makes a ton of sense and allows the team to get him going while simultaneously avoiding the issue of, ‘can he play next to Ben Simmons?’ You just kick that can down the road until next year. No worries.

As far as the issue of disrupting team chemistry or making a drastic change by bringing Fultz in with 10 games remaining, Colangelo referred to the two players added by the Sixers only recently:

“People would say, ‘how can you bring in Marco Belinelli and Ersan ilyasova so late in the season? This team was playing well and had a good thing going.’ Well, we are growing and evolving. You never say enough is enough, and Markelle Fultz has the kind of talent that you want to add to this team if you can. That’s different than adding Marco and Ersan that late in the season. But we’re looking to get better all the time. Markelle has been with his teammates, he’s been in basketball situations and I think there’s going to be an easy acclimation here to game settings and game situations. For the most part, it’s even arguably more familiar to add Markelle to the mix than it was to add Marco or Ersan in that situation. But if we can get better, we’re looking to get better. With 10 games left in the season, I feel there’s ample time to determine whether or not he’s going to be a contributor in those playoff situations we’ve talked about.”

Works for me. I mean, to his point, they drafted Fultz #1 overall knowing that he was (obviously) going to be a huge contributor to this team. Belinelli and Ilyasova were veteran pieces added late.

I said from the beginning that I felt like it made sense to bring Fultz back instead of shutting him down, since the whole point of this season was to get Embiid, Simmons, and Fultz working together with an eye towards the future. The Sixers are overachieving right now and playing phenomenal basketball, but they ain’t winning the title, not over the Rockets or Warriors or Raptors. So instead of shutting down Fultz in fear of “disrupting” a playoff run, they’re putting him out there and getting him the needed experience, getting him ready to roll for next season when the team is coming off a playoff series or two (or three). You’re going to add a max free agent to the mix and be primed to do some great things with much higher expectations.

This year was always sort of a “bridge,” in my opinion, linking the end of the Process era to whatever we’re calling the next phase of the franchise. That’s why it makes sense to get Markelle out there now, even with 10 games left.

Here’s Colangelo’s pregame availability in it’s entirety:

https://t.co/0iYvHZ4dAm

— Kevin Kinkead (@Kevin_Kinkead) March 26, 2018

Bryan Colangelo on Markelle Fultz, His Skill Set, and Playing Him at the Point published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

[im-invisible-erased]

ugh I have like 30 minutes before I need to go to work ...... I think I slept 4 hours. Yesterday was such a shit show. Between being forced to use my discount from working black friday last night after work because I live so far away from my place of work that its not feasable to drive there more than once a day if I don’t absolutely have to. SO anyways they give you this extra 15% off right but they only limit that to 48 hours. I worked both days and I didn’t even know about what days this was happening until like... 3pm Thursday which was 15 hours into those 48 hours. And then my friend long ago before black friday said she would help me make a grocery list and so I could not eat so much frozen stuff and still be like... cheap???? Well she said she would give that to me yesterday but she did not follow through with that and by the time I sort of realized it and texeted her about it. She opened them but never really said anything about it. So I was just like. “Whatever, I’ll bug you about it some other month.” knowing full well that I was starting to split on them and becoming very upset that they just ... didn’t do what they said they would. Potential show of having two FP ... and fuck thats not good... So anyways I worked until 10pm yesterday. the discount was good until 11:59 that night. No big deal. I waited around like 20 minutes to see if my friend would text me a list. until I was as I said previously. I couldn’t control my words and I almost burst into tears around a couple of coworkers that just... idk were concerned cause I was visiablly upset. I think I told One that I just didn’t care anymore and I wanted to just slit my wrist because it be easier than waiting for someone to replace me at the self serves that have to be manned by someone at all times... (this person normally takes over at 10pm for a few minutes) And he was like oh I didn’t notice you were over here so I clocked out im so sorry!!! Yup I’m always invisible bitch!!!!! of course he would forget I was trapped over there its not like I had time senstive thing to do!!!!!!!!!! but whatever I’m pretty sure he was the one I said it be easier to slit my wrist to. and he sort of looked at me and said Oh my gosh!! but i’ve displayed dark humor around this person before and I’m pretty sure damn near everyone in that store thinks im some sort of psychopath... which guess what I kind of am!!! but try not to harm others. Demon complex etc etc etc. I’m no god which is good because thats the difference from hating people and wanting to harm them and hating them and just tolerating thier continued existence because i’m a demon and I deserve all the pain in the world forced unto me. SO right so I go grocery shopping and I finish at like... 11:10 so I had plenty of time and so I’m in line behind another associate using thier discount BUT they had like an online giftcard thingy and the barcode to scan didn’t pop up and because of that they had to manually enter them to redeem. A manager walks up eventually to do this. BUT she had more than one and they tried to tell him that but he fucked off and walked away and then we sat there for like another..... 15 minutes..... and like I know not to complain about stuff but those fucks were just .. UGH i hate mark I hope he dies in an auto accident fat fucking bearded asshole.  Anyyyywayssss they eventually get that stuff done and that associate is gone. we ring up my stuff and then compltely forget about 2 things on the bottom because I was so damn tired at this point and trying not to lose my shit. So technically i paid more for some sodas than I should have..... *sigh* So I live 30 minutes away. by the time i finished putting away groceries IT WAS 12:38AM!!! ALSO I fucked up and dropped one of my bags.. .. and ofc it was the one with the eggs in it... so i lost exactly half!!! I started to cry after that because everything last night was just so fucking bad and I can’t do anything right and I can’t do anything right everr and nobody cares about me at all to follow through with anything.

  and I had 1 single drink that didn’t even really get my buzzed and crawled into bed. I went to sleep. I just want to kill myself this is nowhere near my worst day but I also know that I’m very isolated from other people currently unless they want to talk to me. Which is rare. I’m losing energy to talk to people first. I really fucking am. Nothing against anyone I’m just struggling really had to keep everything together because this time of year literally just makes me wonder if I should buy that gun buy that gun buy that gun and off myself ..... idk maybe I fucking should. it would end all this shit that isn’t worth trying to live through because I can’t fucking afford to seek treatment to get medication that i desperately need before I’m another one of those fucking ““paranoid schizos going on a shooting spree before being killed by themselves” and I refuse to become that statistic even though everyone in my life has been saying that I would do that ever since like.... 2002?????