#but an official diagnosis can be very useful for getting accommodations

[itsaspectrumcomic]

helo

i um

i might be autistic

like 60% sure i am and i could definitely use a diagnosis or at least know that im not autistic just weird

idk how to tell my parents since my dad is really ableist and my mom isnt much better

my dad made me stop wearing headphones at home bc "only crazy (ie autistic) people wear headphones all the time. are you crazy?"

and i have undiagnosed adhd and im pretty sure my mom does too which is weird bc she yells at me for adhd things she does as well

fun times /s

i could use some advice or at least consolation

thank you :D

I don't know if I can help much but I'm sorry you're in this situation! It's really hard when the people around you aren't accepting or accommodating, especially family.

I don't know if it's worth telling your parents if they're abelist since it might only make things more difficult for you. Instead maybe just use neurodivergent coping methods whenever you can, and try to get a diagnosis when you're in a position where you don't need to rely on your parents. Also remember that self diagnosis is valid - you don't need to be officially diagnosed to call yourself autistic if you identify with the traits.

Also, loads of people wear headphones a lot, and not all of them will be autistic. There's nothing strange about wanting to listen to music (and no one needs to know if you actually are). It wasn't very kind of your dad to say that and it reflects more on him than you. If you can't wear headphones, you could try wearing earplugs like Loops which are more subtle?

Sometimes if people aren't understanding of autism or neurodiversity in general it can help to describe the accommodations you need as personality quirks instead of a diagnosis (annoying but whatever works). So instead of saying 'I have sensory issues around sound because I'm autistic' you could say 'I find it difficult to concentrate when there are lots of sounds'.

On your mum - it's likely she was yelled at for the same traits she's yelling at you for and is just repeating what she was told. ADHD has only started to be more known about and accepted relatively recently so unfortunately those from previous generations probably have a lot of internalised ableism 😔 I don't really have advice for that but it might help you understand her more, and know that it's not your fault.

I hope that at least makes you feel a bit better - I hope things improve for you soon ❤️

[chaoscrow119]

This is something I wrote for a friend struggling with some medical neglect in their home life and also with doctors. i think it’s very important because so many people dont think about the inherent flaws in our current medical system and the damage it does.

i have feelings about the blind faith and trust in all doctors. or the “self diagnosis isnt valid”. they havent proven themselves to deserve it. humans are not perfect and doctors especially are taught in a culture that encourages gaslighting and superiority. on the other note, the reason self diagnosis is waved off is because some people do incorectly diagnose themselves or convince themselves they have something to cope with other things or fit in.

one reason a doctor diagnosis is important is they are more likely to know other options it might be or spot the signs something else or something as well is going on.

unfortunately it takes a decent doctor to do that and most doctors are taught in a way that discourages that or are too overworked and understaffed to give the patient enough attention.

i honestly have a very similar feeling to medical professionals as i do to cops

all cops are bastards- that doesnt mean they are all bad or that there are good people who are cops who actually do their job in a good way, but the system itself is broken and they are part of that system. same for medical professionals

as such there are medical professionals who are good at their job and listen and actually evaluate all the options and are willing to learn and grow

but they are also part of a broken system

it’s come to a point in the area of mental health where self diagnosis is almost required to get the help you need. especially if you land in a category most doctors dismiss or the problem you’re struggling with they have biases about. you oftentimes need to know ahead of time and be ready to defend your case and get the professional to take you seriously.

even if you end up being wrong about what you diagnosed yourself with you need to have a place to start and defend with your doctor.

and when it’s a doctor that feels challenged by you self diagnosing, or if you are unsure, another very helpful thing is to focus mainly on the symptoms. make a physical list of each symptom you experience along with examples and how they effect you. and if you want to go the extra mile also have documents that show how those symptoms relate to the diagnosis you’re suspecting to show that you both know what you’re talking about and there is a real and tangible connection.

another thing that is helpful when self diagnosing whether or not a doctor is involved is peer review. peers often have biases as well so dont take their word as law. your the only one who is you. you know your struggles the best. talk it out with them, tell them your symptoms, compare them with the diagnosis you suspect- if they have similar experiences or suspect or are diagnosed with a similar thing talk about that. learn more, both in an academic sense and in a real life experience sense. and find people who dont relate- it can be so valuable to find people you dont relate with because then you start to realize what you are struggling with is not a normal thing. that’s the first step in getting help- either professional or letting yourself help yourself.

and at the end of the day an official diagnosis may not be necessary depending on the thing. they are far too hard to get. but they can be useful for accommodations in either school or work if you find yourself needing support in ways you cant give yourself and can only be given by an employer or school. but even without an official diagnosis a good employer or teacher or such will work with you on your struggles and help you find a way to do things in ways that help you

that being said some things need a professional diagnosis as well because they require professional medical help (COUGH COUGH EDS BITCHES /SRS)

in which case as i said before being told no by a doctor doesnt automatically mean it isnt true. learn to trust yourself, learn more about yourself, and if you still need that diagnosis come back armed with more information and proof.

it’s a hastle and i have so many intense feelings about how wrong it is to be this difficult. too many people suffer needlessly for it

(edit was because copy and paste didn't include the first paragraph for some reason)

[aughwl]

My hottest take on neurodiversity is that I think self-diagnosis isn't just "good enough" when psychiatric diagnosis is too expensive, it's in fact *more legitimate* than an official psychiatric diagnosis. People will always understand themselves better than an outside observer can. Psychiatrists are not neutral reality describers, but play an important role in ableism, as gatekeepers of care.

To be fair to psychiatrists, some of them are less ableist than others and they often do have a lot of experience of interacting with neurodivergent people, so they can connect the dots that people wouldn't be able to connect themselves, and they can teach the vocabulary people need to express themselves. But in a post-ableist society, psychiatrist will only be able to provide people information and insight, and they could not be the gatekeepers of who 'counts' as belonging to a certain category. It stands to reason that in this society, an official diagnosis would not be necessary to get accommodations, as those would be provided according to need by default.

A diagnosis is much more than just a description of someone's psyche, it's an official document that people have to use to interface with other institutions like work and education, and it is thus a political device. It asks you to submit yourself to bureaucracy and official recordkeeping before you can ever get your needs met, it asks you to sacrifice time, money and dignity to get something we could just provide for free if we weren't hung up on making sure people "really deserve it". (this will sound very familiar to trans people) It's not a key to care, it's the gate as well.

Central to mental ableism is the assumption that the mentally ill are untrustworthy and incapable of understanding the world and themselves, and that we need a strong medical authority to straighten their minds.

[compassionatereminders]

hi this is just a vent because i cant stop feeling bad about certain things its pretty disjointed. feel free to ignore. thank you for the space for this and the patience and kindness you consistently show. it feels isolating in disabled communities sometimes as someone who was medically neglected and falls into the margins of certain diagnoses and is still undiagnosed for autism and never received any official help, it was all off the books type stuff or i simply suffered/failed in silence. i feel like im not "anything" enough to be real or deserve help or community. that my existence is disrespectful or appropriative of the people who have more "real" experiences that should be listened to and lifted up more than me. that i got the "disability lite" experience somehow and would be misleading others if i claimed to be similar to them. "who needs more of some probably low support needs person ranting about their hurt little feelings, dont we have enough?" < evil thing my brain likes to tell me. i dont actually know what my support needs are its all very confusing and apparently only something a doctor can tell you. but i see people say that LSN level 1 autistics are always speaking over people and taking up too much space, and i get paranoid, am i doing that?! is that me? of course feeling this way just makes me more guilty. nobody has it easy, and you cant compare experiences. i know this. but i still feel like im not allowed. im taking something away from people who need it more. its not rational but im consumed by it at times. i had the difficulties of others used to guilt me into doing things as a child and to explain why i should be able to do something. have been dismissed by caregivers and doctors when i finally got brave enough and learned the right language to bring something up. so i just gave up. if i really needed it that badly, if it really was that disabling, someone would have noticed right? people like that dont just fall through the cracks do they? it's prevented me from seeking out local resources like day programs because they have waitlists, though they dont require diagnosis. all i can think is that im some ungrateful low support person whose taking something from someone who needs it more. and thats a horrible thought to have about myself or anyone and not a real thing that even happens. even a word to describe my experience feels like its asking for too much. i haven't even sought out SSI. even though ive never finished school or went to college, had a job, cant drive cant work, and only get by because i have very nice people in my life supporting me financially. i know how long it takes (im usa) to get on SSI. and how likely it is to get denied even with all the qualifiers above. how invasive and invalidating it is. dont know if i can take that process. but i also need more independence and help than im getting right now, because my issues are worsening as i age and i just cant do things or really live life. but it all feels like its not enough, even though i know theres nothing that WOULD ever be enough. thanks for listening.

This is internalized ableism in action. 1. All kinds of people fall through the cracks of the system. All kinds of people, with all kinds of disabilities, of all kinds of severities. 2. The idea that only the most impaired people deserve support and accommodations is far more harmful to ALL disabled people than the alternative. Disability is not a competition, and turning it into one hurts everyone. 2. Having low support needs doesn't equal having no support needs. And you clearly do have support needs that you deserve to have accommodated.

[ihhfhonao3]

Klapollo where Apollo has epilepsy

Klavier finds out on a date where Apollo tells him about it, and a week later apollo has a seizure in the middle of a trial regarding a grand theft auto

Nothing explicit or violent, just hurt/comfort

Thank you :)

Here ya go! Hope you like it fsnhbfysueuew (under the cut)

Apollo laughed heartily and smiled at Klavier, who was sitting across from him at the restaurant table.

“I never pinned Mr. Edgeworth as such a hopeless romantic,” Apollo snickered.

“Ja, well,” Klavier chuckled as he sipped some of his wine. “I was as surprised as you are right now, but the card on the bouquet clearly said ‘For Wright, my love and treasure.’”

The pair laughed in unison. They were on their second date ever in their relationship, and were currently discussing awkward workplace moments they paid witness to. Apollo eventually calmed down a bit and ate a little more of his ravioli.

“Is it good?” Klavier asked expectantly.

“It’s very good, so stop asking,” Apollo smiled. “Thanks again for dinner.”

Klavier sighed with relief. “No problem, Schatzi.”

They continued to eat and share gossip, with Apollo sharing how he once overheard Athena affectionately baby-talking Juniper over the phone. When Athena realized that Apollo was eavesdropping on her conversation, she promptly smacked him with a newspaper and ate all of his food that he kept inside the shared employee refrigerator. Klavier found this funny. Apollo did not.

As their date continued, they ate their food and drank their wine, enjoying each other’s company and conversing about the most trivial things, until the topic of disabilities came up.

“I’m undiagnosed, but I’m pretty sure I have ADHD,” Klavier said, tracing the rim of his wine glass with his finger.

“Oh really?” Apollo asked. “Why don’t you get an official diagnosis?”

Klavier shrugged. “It’d be out to the public in no time and the paparazzi would be all over me. I mean, it doesn’t affect me too much, as Herr Edgeworth is very flexible with any kinds of accommodations us prosecutors may need.”

Apollo smiled. “Mr. Wright is like that too.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, um, he helps Athena sometimes because she’s autistic, and Mr. Wright is pretty sure Trucy has ADHD too. And um…”

“What is it, forehead?” Klavier asked.

Apollo inhaled and exhaled. “I um… I have epilepsy myself, so Mr. Wright usually tries to make sure there is never loud music in the office and the lights aren’t too bright. We also have a small room where we can de-stress if we need to.”

“Oh!” Klavier said. “I um, I didn’t know you’re epileptic.”

“Yeah, that’s why I always used to avoid your shows,” Apollo took a small sip of wine. “I don’t hate your music or anything… Just… the flashing lights and loud sounds always made me nervous that I would have a seizure.”

Klavier gasped and took Apollo’s hand. “Oh mein gott, I’m so sorry Apollo, I didn’t know, if I had I would’ve never pushed you to go during-”

“No, no, no, Klavier,” Apollo cut off. “It’s okay. You didn’t know. Now you do. I wanted to tell you because I trust you and… I mean, if we’re gonna be together, it’s important that we know what’s up so we can help each other out when we need to.”

Klavier smiled. “Ja, that is important, isn’t it?”

The two smiled and chuckled together, and went back to their general chat. But this time, they talked about what they needed from each other… and how to accommodate for such needs. Eventually, they wrapped up dinner and Klavier and Apollo drove back to Apollo’s apartment. Ever since they started dating, they switched off staying in each other’s living spaces. Most days were spent in Klavier’s penthouse, but every now and then they would go back to Apollo’s apartment to feed Mikeko and hang out, as Apollo frequently got homesick. Their date was perfect, and the two fell asleep blissfully after watching a movie together.

~~~

It was a week later from the day they had their date, and Apollo was shuffling his papers together and putting them into his bag. He had a trial today, defending a woman named Didnaugh Dewitt, who was charged for stealing a man’s Vespa Scooter. The man in question was named Stow Lenfromme, and he was due to be Klavier’s witness. All the evidence was stacked against Apollo and Ms. Dewitt, but Apollo knew in his heart that she was innocent. This was just a part of his job, right? Defending and helping the hopeless cases? But something was nagging at Apollo. He was pretty stressed out and felt a bit lightheaded. No matter, he had to shrug it off. He had a client to save! Apollo hopped on his bike and pedaled down to the courtroom.

It was barely ten minutes into the case and Klavier was already destroying Apollo’s case. Klavier made quick work of it, with the witness claiming he saw Ms. Dewitt steal his scooter as he was inside a barbershop getting a haircut. The witness was even backed up by the barber as well! Apollo tried to perceive both of the witnesses, but neither of them were lying about what they claimed they saw. All that the defendant gave was her Alibi- that she was doing her laundry at the laundromat down the street. That, and the fact that she couldn’t find her hat and coat when she was done, but Apollo didn’t know how that could help him.

Come on, Apollo, you have to turn this around! Apollo thought. How can I prove my client’s innocence? I know she didn’t do it, but how do I prove it to the court?

“Having trouble there, Herr forehead?” Klavier sneered. “I’d say that the guilty person in this case is quite obvious.”

Apollo’s eyes widened. Something suddenly came to mind. “The defense would like to perform a cross-examination on the barber!” Apollo said to the judge.

“Very well,” said the judge. “Call forth Mr. Har Bore!”

The barber returned to the stand, clearly annoyed by his forced returnal.

“Mr. Bore, you were the barber cutting Mr. Lenfromme’s hair at the scene of the crime, correct?” Apollo asked.

“I was,” the barber said. “I thought I made that clear before.”

“Mr. Bore, do you work with anyone in your shop?” Apollo questioned. “Or do you work alone?”

“I usually work with a woman named Enn Disguys, she runs the cash register. Why?”

“Was Ms. Disguys working on the day of the crime?”

The barber tensed up and scratched at his neck. “No, she was sick.”

Apollo’s bracelet tightened at that statement. I know he’s lying about her being sick, Apollo thought. But how does that help me?

“Ready to admit defeat, forehead?” Klavier smiled innocently from the opposing bench. “I think the solution to this case is obvious.”

Apollo’s hands gripped tightly onto the desk. He was cornered. He didn’t know what to do. A sudden wave of confusion rushed over him, consuming him completely. He couldn’t think straight. What was happening? Suddenly, something switched in him, like he was unplugged from a power source and disconnected from everything around him.

Klavier stared at Apollo, puzzled by the lack of retaliation. “Herr forehead? Are you there?”

Apollo’s face was blank, his eyes staring into space. No form of response or acknowledgement came from him.

“Well, I assume that means defeat,” the judge said. “I hand down the verdict of-”

“Wait!” Klavier exclaimed. “Herr judge, there’s something wrong.”

Apollo’s right arm started to shake slightly. Hardly noticeable to anyone who wasn’t looking for it. Klavier, however, knew what this meant.

“Your honor, adjourn the court,” Klavier demanded. “That is an order, sir.”

The judge looked puzzled. “I don’t see a good reason to.”

“Please, your honor, Herr forehead needs help,” Klavier cried. “Please, adjourn the court!”

The judge sighed dutifully. “Very well. Court is adjourned! The trial shall continue in two day’s time!”

When the judge finally banged the gavel, Klavier rushed to Apollo’s side, and ordered the jury out. To Klavier’s relief, the jury listened and quickly exited.

“Mein Lieber, Apollo,” Klavier cooed. “I’m right here. Court is adjourned. It’s okay.” Klavier picked up Apollo and gently laid him on his side on the defense’s bench. He quickly pulled out his phone to start timing the seizure. From what Apollo told him, a seizure that lasted more than five minutes needed medical attention. Klavier waited. And waited. One minute. Two minutes. At the three minute seventeen mark, Apollo’s arm started to stop shaking and his eyes started to refocus. At three minutes thirty four seconds, it seemed to have fully stopped. Apollo stumbled a bit and Klavier caught him in his arms.

“Woah, woah, I gotcha,” Klavier soothed.

“K…Klav?” Apollo mumbled. “What… happened?”

“Shhh, it’s okay, follow me,” Klavier said and he led Apollo out of the courthouse and to his car. Klavier helped Apollo inside and strapped on his seatbelt for him.

“You had a seizure while we were in there,” Klavier said in an even tone. “No doubt caused by the stress… and knowing you, it was probably worsened by your lack of sleep last night. I’m sorry, Hase.”

“It’s okay…” Apollo mumbled. “I just don’t really remember anything… and I’m really tired.”

“Shhh, it’s alright,” Klavier crooned. “I’m taking you home so you can rest.”

They drove in silence, Apollo slowly regaining himself. Klavier drove to Apollo’s apartment and led him inside, lying him down on his bed and bringing him some soup and a blanket.

“Just rest a bit for me, okay?” Klavier kissed Apollo on the forehead. “Take it easy.”

“Okay…” Apollo said as he sat up a bit to eat. “Thank you Klavier…”

“No problem, sweetie.” Klavier smiled. He started to leave the room.

“Klav…?” Apollo whispered.

“Ja?” Klavier stopped.

“...Can you stay here? With me?”

“Of course, Schatzi, Anything. Now eat up.” 

Apollo did as he was told as Klavier sat down next to him and rubbed Apollo’s back gently. Klavier gently covered Apollo with a soft red blanket.

“I’ll call the agency and tell them what happened, and request that Fräulein Cykes take up your case,” Klavier said as he grabbed his phone and dialed the number. “I’ll catch her up to speed with the case, don’t worry. And I’ll request we take a day or two off. Does that sound good?”

Apollo slurped his soup. He seemed to be returning to his initial state now. “That sounds good. Thanks Klav.” Klavier smiled. “No problem, Mein Lieber."

[2jam4u]

hi milla! It’s so nice to see you around again, I’m so touched and happy for you that your life is so beautiful 🥹 you give me so much hope. I have the same dream of becoming a therapist, I’m autistic and have a GED because I had a horrific time in school in general as a kid. I’m 30 now and it intimidates me so much to go “back” to college (for the first time) not bc of my age but because it was so difficult the first time with undx autism amongst other things. I’m still undiagnosed officially today, and I always weigh whether or not I want go through with a dx, but my understanding is the only way I can get accommodations is with the official diagnosis. Do you have any words, thoughts, or advice for an autistic girlboy on a similar path to you? Thank you just for reading this I hope you have such a nice night 🫶

Honestly the 10+ years between my last attempt at post-secondary education were mostly me in a panic because I had my hs diploma and what felt like a brain that just didn't work with traditional education and a job market that demanded at minimum undergrad degrees for entry level jobs. It took a solid 10 years of my sister convincing me year after year for me to finally get on board and allow myself to try again. But yeah, I think a large part of why I'm able to be successful now is the knowledge I have of how my brain operates and my clinical diagnosis.

I think when it comes to accommodations at school or work, those are the only areas where the formal diagnosis has any worth. In pretty much any other area of life it's not necessary, but you do need to have formal diagnostic reports to give in for those accommodations. That being said the majority of my accommodations are for the adhd according to accessibility services at my school. I don't think they're very well versed in autism related accommodations but they know a lot about adhd so I have a recorder for class, access to digital copies of all my textbooks, a text-to-speech software for those digital texts and extra time in exams — all of those are specifically for adhd. So if you're auDHD i'd recommend getting an adhd assessment done because they're significantly cheaper and (I don't wanna say easier but) easier to get, people are more likely to believe you, more likely to take your self-reporting at face value, shorter assessment etc.

But like I said before, I think the accommodation is only half the reason I'm doing better, there's a ton of stuff I do for myself in the way of regulation, support for my "deficits", preparing myself for routines and possible changes, laying out my school info in a way that's most digestible for my brain bla bla bla. Those are things you don't need a diagnosis for but are work you can put in for yourself that can make a HUGE difference. I can talk more about that if you want but if you're not able to get a formal diagnosis please don't think that means school is ever off the table for you entirely.

Black and white tism thinking here but I tended to see school as an all or nothing situation. Either I was naturally great at it and had no problems, or I couldn't do it at all. So when I struggled I gave up quickly, but now I'm forcing myself to work through things and it turns out I don't have to be naturally gifted at something to still get really good results and good grades. And I think the same can be true for a lot of us, if we give ourselves the opportunity to make it happen.

[duck-in-a-thrift-store]

Personal rant bc we haven't gotten my official results yet but we did get a very stressful phone call about it, and because adhd has been kicking my ass lately. This is going to be long and rambly and all over the place, and if you're anti self-dx, I wouldn't suggest reading further (or interacting with me in general). It also sort of becomes just me psychoanalyzing my own behavior and infodumping about it

-------------------------------------------------------

For context, I'm autistic and adhd, and I went and talked to a psychologist a couple weeks ago and had some testing done

Personally, I don't really feel the need to have an official diagnosis for autism. I'm confident in my informed self-diagnosis (technically it was actually my parents who first suggested I might be autistic but I've learned a lot about it since then and now I'm pretty sure I'm more convinced than they are) and I just don't think a doctor's note will do much for me (totally understand and support anyone who does want to get diagnosed tho). Adhd however is another story. If I want meds that will actually work and accommodations with my school, they need proof, and as things are I am desperate for some help.

So the appointment I had a couple weeks ago was supposed to be for adhd testing, but apparently he also lowkey tested me for autism while we were there. Which like, fine, whatever, it would be sort of nice to have that validated I guess, but when we checked back in with him on the phone earlier this week he started using outdated and problematic terms like high-functioning and aspergers and I'll just say that it did not exactly inspire confidence

But that can of worms aside, let me get back to (mostly) adhd related ranting

I feel like there could be an essay about how the diagnostic process for adhd is flawed and doesn't work all that well for people who have an internalized notion that their worth as a person is dependent on their academic success and task performance and therefore spent their childhood and adolescence funneling all their efforts time and attention into school and generally being seen as a good well-behaved bright kid out of desperation to have value (and it worked- I've always made good grades, but what people don't see is the days, weeks, months of paralyzed procrastination, the anxiety-fueled mad rush in the end to get things done late, and the grace I'm inexplicably shown every time, without which my grades would be much worse)

I'm scared, that I'm going to be determined "too high functioning" to be diagnosed even though I'm currently doing basically nothing with my life outside of college and yet I'm technically failing like half of my classes right now, that they're going to say "well the signs weren't there when you were younger" even though there's a variety of explanations for why that might be, not the least of which being the fact that for some folks with both autism and adhd the traits of the two have a tendency to "hide" one another

Apparently he also ran an iq test on me, and he broke down the 5 scores to us; I scored in the upper average/above average bracket in all but the 4th, processing speed, in which I'm below average. And like yeah, I'm well aware that I'm slow, but I guess it's official now-

Anyway, my main point with the iq thing was that while he was telling us about my high scores in the first 3 areas, I'm sitting here getting more and more uneasy, bc I'm like yeah sure I'm intelligent or whatever but it isn't worth shit if I can't motivate myself to actually do anything with that potential, and the conditions under which I was tested just don't reflect my day to day life closely enough to give an accurate reading, in my opinion.

Basically I'm afraid this guy is going to look at the results of some tests- tests which I was really focused on bc of the intrinsic fear of failure that plagues my existence (even though rationally I know you can't fail a psychological evaluation) and bc I know it's a bitch of a process to even get tested in the first place and I wasn't going to waste the opportunity goddammit-

That he's going to look at them and decide that I'm "too smart" to have a learning disability, when, again, all the brains in the world wouldn't do me any good if I

1) don't have the ability to self-motivate and direct them at what I need to be working on, even if I've been beating myself up about that pile of homework or my disaster of a room for weeks or even months, and

2) have such a loose grasp on the concept of time and priorities that I have on multiple occasions found myself pulling all-nighters on personal projects or reading for pleasure or scrolling on my phone only to realize oh shit I have to get up for school in like two hours, oh fuck, I'm going to be exhausted all day, what happened to "let's go to sleep early this time, I'll just do this for like 5 more minutes and then call it a night"

or realize after one of those all-nighters that what was actually a period of about 10 hours feels more like 10 minutes to me ("man wasn't I literally just here to get dinner" the next morning, passing the caf on my way to class on exactly 0 hours of sleep and still having managed not to get any of my actual class work done in all that time)

And also just that tendency in itself is significant, to get so deeply hooked on something once it does manage to get my attention, that I often feel like I can't stop until outside forces demand it- staying up until 4am on a school night painting my phone case and texting my crush (14 or 15), making bracelet after bracelet at the kitchen table at ungodly hours of the night because I couldn't sleep and now that I'm on a roll I don't want to break the momentum (18, a few months ago), throwing horrific amounts of time at reading fanfiction of whatever series currently has my interest when I have so much work that needs to get done if I want to have a chance at passing my courses this semester (18, basically present), making a last minute birthday present for my aunt and being so caught up in the rush and the craft of what I was working on that I ignored my body's needs until I ended up pissing myself (12), etc

The fact that I've been meaning to catch up with my high school friends for weeks or months, literally something as simple as a "how have yall been" in the group chat, yet for some reason I still haven't gotten around to it

The fact that for all my alleged intelligence I still haven't learned to ride a bike or drive a car or apply for a job or develop a work-life balance or play any of the instruments I want to or have a thriving social life or feel like a person (I think these are more autism-related but I'm throwing them in anyway)

The fact that minor (or even just mistakenly perceived) disapproval or judgment or teasing or having a text left on read can send me spiraling into anxiety and convinced that everyone hates me and that I'm worthless or obnoxious or stupid (rejection sensitivity is a bitch)

The fact that when I try to read I have to make a constant conscious effort not to jump ahead and all over the place and I often have to reread the same passage multiple times to understand it because I realize that I wasn't actually paying attention the first couple of times, my mind elsewhere and my eyes wandering

I know even if I do get diagnosed they'll say it's inattentive, not hyperactive or combined, because the majority of my hyperactivity is either fairly subtle movements (because I'm socially anxious and clumsy and don't want to draw attention to myself or run the risk of breaking or disturbing something) or just straight up in my head. Like sure I'm not a nine year old boy who can't sit still in class and is constantly bouncing around all over the place and getting into trouble and driving his parents and teachers crazy (bc being seen as annoying and unruly by authority figures would have broken me), but there's always so much noise in my brain, it's always talking or playing music in the background or thinking about the 47 different projects I need to be working on and the media it wants to be engaging with instead and the 1000s of things there are to worry about in a day; sometimes I'll get stuck in a loop where I'm mentally repeating a word or phrase over and over and over again until I feel like I'm going crazy

All of this is stuff that this guy doesn't see, and that worries me when it comes to the validity of his assessment

But basically, what I'm trying to say is, I swear to god if the people around me don't believe that there's clearly something not neurotypical going on here I'm going to fucking riot

And, ranting aside, I want to end this post with a note to all my fellow neurodiverse folks who are waiting for answers or treatment or validation or support or whatever.

I feel you. Hang in there. You have my well wishes in your endeavors. And remember, it's ok to be happy with or proud of who you are and what makes you different, it's ok to embrace your neurodiversity while also acknowledging how difficult it can be to live with and the fact that you might need extra time or support with things that seem to come easily to other people. It's ok to admit that it's fucking hard sometimes, and it's ok to ask for help. Take care, mates

[toonerdyandiknowit]

Today I learned:

Having a preliminary autism diagnosis (waitlist is currently 3 years so they’re doing this triage thing where you get a mini assessment by a relevant professional who knows what they’re talking about but isn’t officially qualified to specifically diagnose, they then write a letter that is basically “oh we’re 99.9% certain this one has autism please treat her as such unless told otherwise later”) is WILD.

Wdym I’m allowed to explain to my work that yes, I CAN force myself to come into the office and yes I DO get as much done as anyone else, but the act of getting/being here is so overwhelming because “abc” that it’s directly contributing to my OTHER health issues and that’s why I keep having to go off sick, like ALL OF LAST MONTH???. And that actually, considering my particular role, it’s totally reasonable for me to work from home 3 or 4 out of 5 days a week.

And that’s enough! That’s without considering the chronic pain. The chronic fatigue. The possible heart condition. Just the possible autism is enough that they should accommodate me in this way so I can work! AND ITS HELPING?!

How dare my disabilities be disabling me all this time while me and everyone else pretended that ignoring it/pushing through would make me get used to things and I’d magically be able to do things able bodied people can. How dare.

(I have a meeting with work tomorrow to discuss wfh more than 1 day a week and I am excited)

(My OH consultant said getting my degree and having jobs with not even a prelim diagnosis was very well done of me and yes it’s entirely reasonable that I need a BREAK. It’s time for the systems to bend for me rather than me for them!)

[iwillbreakyourfuckingskull]

I remember when officially diagnosed DID systems were talking about how people shouldn't be afraid of getting an official diagnosis and that they definitely should get diagnosed if possible because it will be a help and you won't be discriminated against. You absolutely will most likely be discriminated against at some point by those with access to you medical information.

This goes for any type of diagnosis. For some it is worth it to get the diagnosis because it will help them gain access to treatment or accommodations, but that's not the case for most people in the world. Speaking as someone living in Denmark, there's no treatment here for DID or complex trauma not related to war (maybe you can get treatment if you're well off, but that doesn't apply to most systems). Getting a DID or C-PTSD diagnosis will not give you access to therapy. You can maybe get an early retirement more easily and some different types of home support, but you're not gonna get treatment (other than prescription medications, which you can get through another less stigmatised diagnosis such as 'depression' or 'stress').

Also some diagnoses will make it harder for you to move to another country or to get certain jobs or medical treatment (fx if you're seeking gender affirming care). Fuck, it can even give you a 'do not resuscitate' notice in the case of what went down in the UK during the covid-19 pandemic, where people with what's in the UK called 'learning disabilities' (I believe the American term is 'intellectual disabilities') and autistic people were given 'Do Not Attempt Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation (DNACPR)' notices (source). In my country Denmark, 140,000 citizens' genes have been used to research psychiatric disorders such as autism, ADHD, bipolar, anorexia, and schizophrenia without the consent from the people whose genetic data was used (source). My genes are probably used right now for eugenic reasons and I have had no fucking say in it.

These are just the examples I can think of from the top of my head, but it is in my opinion very naive to trust the government won't use your disorder against you. I think a diagnosis can be very helpful, but there are not just benefits from getting one. It all depends on what the diagnosis can give you compared to what it might take away.

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

This post is scheduled for April 11th, 2023.

This is the day I get the results from my diagnostic evaluation for autism.

I have been seeking a diagnosis since November of 2021. That’s when I was alerted to the possibility of being autistic.

Funnily enough, everyone I told misunderstood what I was saying, and I got a lot of congratulations about finally being officially diagnosed. I was not diagnosed. I was trying to say that I had just learned I might be autistic at all. I wasn’t even sure I was allowed to say that yet.

Now, 18 months later (and I am very lucky it was not longer), I might finally know for sure.

I hope I do get diagnosed.

To break this down for people who may not have experience seeking an autism diagnosis, I live in an area in the US that’s known for having a higher concentration of diagnostic clinicians. People move here on purpose to get access to services they don’t have in their own state. Even so, I’ve been on several waitlists, been explicitly turned away from clinics because their waitlist was too long, been turned away because I’m over 18, or been turned away because the price was too high for me to afford. On one occasion, I made an appointment asking for a diagnostic test, only to find that the doctor (whose secretary had sworn they could do it) was unable to do more than refer me to… yet another doctor whose waitlist was too long. I’ve been asked to drive to a clinic three hours away for an appointment at 7AM because they couldn’t possibly let me do the appointment virtually. With my parent. Because they couldn’t possibly call my parent for the interview portion, either.

In the end, the place that had the earliest appointment open up was able to do virtual appointments, didn’t require a parental interview, and was partially covered by my insurance. With my very good, very rare, high quality insurance from my dad’s job, the test only cost me $525. Which I still can’t afford to pay right now. And will have to pay in stages. This is, of course, before I know if I’m diagnosed or not. At least they use the DSM-5, unlike clinics in the area who were saying they were willing to consider testing me for Asperger’s syndrome, which is over a decade out of date and named after a known eugenicist (and literal Nazi).

All of this, of course, because my school actively punishes professors who accommodate students without an official disability diagnosis. Because I might get an unfair advantage over other students. Coupled with the fact that my scholarship requires I stay in the Honors College, many of my professors have straight up denied or ignore that I’m disabled. I am lucky that my professors this semester are kinder, or at least don’t care one way or the other.

Maybe today will make all the hoop jumping worth it. Maybe I can finally call the clinics and tell them to give my appointment to someone else, a sickly sweet “paying it forward” to some other desperate person whose wellbeing likely also hinges on an appointment several months or years away. Hopefully it makes their day to get bumped up to June.

And if it doesn’t? I’m not sure I can afford to try again.

[defectivegembrain]

Okay so to the anon asking about pushing back a special interest to focus on uni work. There's no normal way to explain this it's weird, but I cannot actually publish your ask because of something to do with a couple of words you used and how my OCD decided they're bad luck. I tried to talk myself round it, can't do it. That's not in any way your fault or your problem, but I'm just explaining why I'm not doing that and am just going to try and answer the question here.

So you have a new special interest, and you can't stop thinking about it enough to focus on schoolwork? And you don't have the structure of high school that helped you, and you don’t have a diagnosis so accommodations aren't an option?

So the thing is I'm very lucky in that I was able to study a special interest in university (linguistics), so I didn't really have that problem. But I suppose there was college before that, where only some of it was related to that. I get what you mean about structure, that's really crucial for me too. Is there possibly some way you can create more structure for yourself? Like scheduling specific times you always study? Maybe schedule some special interest time for right afterwards, as motivation? I don't know how you feel about contact with other students, but there may be study groups or something you can join so you're like, officially scheduled to study with expectations from other people as well?

Even if you can't get accommodations, you could possibly talk to a tutor or other advisor at the uni? Lots of students struggle to keep up their studies even if they're neurotypical, they will be used to giving advice. Depending on the person and if you can trust them you could even mention autism, just to explain the problem more specifically. I don't know if you want to pursue a diagnosis, but I have heard of some people being pointed in that direction before because they were struggling in further education. It can take a long time, so it might not be immediately helpful, but it might be useful to think about in the long run.

Another thing is, do you think there's any way you can fit your special interest into your work? Something cool about university versus school is you often get more choice in the specifics of your assignments. When I was in college and doing things not directly related to linguistics, I would take every opportunity to fit it into other subjects. For example, in psychology when I had to write about Skinner, I got in some significant discussion of his views on child language acquisition and Chomsky's response to them. If you can make it relevant, this can lead to a lot of interesting and insightful work. Of course, it might depend on the interest, but there might be less obvious connections that you could be more equipped to figure out because you're so into this thing. I also once brought Buffy the Vampire Slayer into my linguistics work by talking about the treatment of different British accents and their association with stereotypes.

If anyone has more tips, please feel free to add them!

[itsaspectrumcomic]

hello! i love your comics they are really relatable

i have been recommended to get tested for autism by friends/school ppl but currently its very hard for me to get diagnosed. do you have any idea about what i could do? the school said id be allowed with headphones/stim toys if i do get professional diagnosis but there seems to be very little hope for family to agree to get me tested

It depends a lot on how old you are and where you live - for example in the UK if you're over 16 you're entitled to decide on your own medical treatment, which means you could talk to a doctor about getting a diagnosis yourself (though obviously that takes... a while). I have no idea how it works elsewhere I'm afraid! I'm also not sure about persuading your family, except maybe showing them examples of other autistic peoples' experiences and explaining how you relate to them, and explaining what benefits a diagnosis would get you (like the school accommodations).

It's very frustrating that schools often refuse accommodations unless you have an 'official' diagnosis, but you might be able to use headphones/stim toys in certain classes if you ask your teachers individually. Some of them might say no, but some of them might say yes so it's worth asking. Since some have already suggested seeking a diagnosis, it seems like at least a few of them will be understanding and help advocate for you :)

You could also try some stealth options for classes that don't allow stim toys, like having a hairband on your wrist or a bit of blu tack or a clicky pen or even a pebble, anything you can fiddle with really.

And if you're willing to break the rules a bit you could try wearing earplugs (like Loops) which are more subtle, and maybe hiding them if your hair if it's long enough. I had a friend who did that (although she did it because she wanted to listen to music in Chemistry lol).

However you do it, I hope you are able to get the accommodations you need <3

[mimzy-writing-online]

I just wanted to say that it really meant a lot to me to see you talk about visual snow because I’m 18 and have had visual snow for as long as I can remember and it’s always impacted me but my eye doctors have only ever focused on my other eye conditions and have insisted that visual snow isn’t real, I’m also very photophobic and have entopic phenomena often. I wanted to thank you bc I’ve never seen anyone talk about it and it made me feel less alone + is a diagnosis worth it/how do I get one?

I’m sooo so glad I can help! I was 17 when my symptoms got started and doctors completely ignored that symptom.

Is a diagnosis worth it? It depends. A diagnosis can get you accommodations in school and work, but if you have more than one thing wrong with your eyes and that other thing has already been diagnosed you can use that diagnosis to get accommodations.

You don’t need an official diagnosis or a doctors note to get a cane, but you do need medical documentation declaring you legally blind to get a guide dog.

Some schools/programs for the blind might only be accessible with a documented diagnosis but not necessarily all.

There are doctors who specialize in visual snow syndrome. The Visual Snow Initiative has a handful of doctors on their website who they work with (check it out here) including the doctor who diagnosed me, Dr. Terry Tsang. If you want a diagnosis and traveling is possible for you, I recommend going straight to one of them. You can also ask your doctors to check out their website and their research.

I hope this helps and thank you from r reaching out, it made my day

[maiz-of-light]

Rant about ableism and censorship beneath the cut, also slight TotK spoilers, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Seriously, if you look beneath the cut and proceed to get offended, you did that to yourself. This is my blog and I will share my thoughts if and how I want.

Hi! In case it isn’t already obvious, I’m annoyed, and I’m about to go into why. Recently, with the release of the Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, a post has been circulating accusing the game of being “riddled with ableism” for its depiction of “body horror” and “medical trauma” - that is, at the very beginning, Link is attacked in such a manner that his arm becomes infected and he loses consciousness. When he wakes, he has a sci-fi, kind of steampunk-y, fantasy arm in its place that was grafted to him while in his coma because, as is explained, the infection was spreading and his life was at risk. Or, in summary, a dead arm was grafted to him without his consent.

When you put it that way, it sounds pretty dark - and fuck, I’m not arguing that, at all. What salts my onions, lads, is that the game is being described as “ableist” for not containing specific trigger warnings.

Guys. What the fuck.

For starters, have you not seen the trailers? The demonic mummy with the glowing red eyes? The animation of Link’s sword arm wreathed in what we now call “gloom,” followed by footage of him examining that same arm and it is clearly not the same? Goddesses help me these were the earliest fucking trailers, too. If you’re not smart enough to put two and two together then chances are you were never smart enough to enjoy a game created to challenge your problem solving and puzzle solving skills in the first place.

If, on the other hand, you hadn’t watched the trailers beforehand, and got triggered by some unmentioned content afterwards, that’s your problem. You are responsible for your own triggers - for knowing what they are and for scanning content prior to engaging. You don’t click on a fic with mention of alcoholism, skip over the CW in the notes, then harass the author when you stumble upon the line/scene/paragraph containing said alcoholism-centric content. Creators are not obligated to tiptoe around you. In other words, if you have bad triggers, consider not playing a brand new video game before you have any idea what it’s about.

Before you call me “ableist” or “insensitive,” let me tell you a story. I won’t mention any details, as trauma dumping is not something I do, but I will state that I have an official, professional diagnosis of PTSD. I have triggers, specific ones, that send me spiraling into severe panic attacks if I don’t catch them in time and deal accordingly. And do you know who’s responsible for that? Me. I don’t get to police content creators, what they share and how they share it. I am responsible for curating my own media experience, and if someone isn’t comfortable accommodating my specific triggers, preferences, etc., I can choose not to engage. Nothing, nothing bothers me more than when people appropriate my disability, either to get their way somehow or to score brownie points and make themselves look “considerate.”

As for Link’s little fantasy medical procedure - yeah, he lost a limb. It happens. It sucks, and for some it can definitely be triggering - but like I said, all the signs are there. Complaining that all the trailers, leaked footage, advertisement, etc. somehow wasn’t enough is whiny and annoying, and entitled, and as I’ve mentioned feels like it’s mostly coming from non-disabled individuals shooting for a “woker” image. Get therapy and let the rest of us enjoy this awesome new game and affiliated content without having to hear a bunch of pointless, wannabe-woke carping.

[bittersweetblasphemy]

very angry and rambly chronic illness vent under the cut. keep scrolling.

you know what. i recently saw a post that was disney princesses with service dogs, and i was shocked when the very first image in the set was of cinderella with a service dog for her fibromyalgia.

and like... i dont think i could say what that made me feel.

i have fibromyalgia. only my sister actually believes it. she's my only blood relative who doesn't think im just doing it or attention. even though i never bring it up unless someone starts getting rough with me (because in my family, people tend to be overly rough with forms of physical affection for some reason). my mother, who worships the ground a certain famous author walks on, only started admitting something might be wrong with me when it caused complications with my labor and i had to have an emergency cesarean without anesthetic.

i have lost jobs because of my inability to do certain tasks. i have been ridiculed by family members. i have been brushed aside by several doctors who would rather put me on medications for illnesses i dont have and have never had a single symptom of. i had a pain management doctor shake me because he didn't believe i was in pain. because i was young and didn't have any obvious injuries, even though by that point i finally had an official diagnosis.

a few years ago my husband and i stumbled across an estate sale where i found a cool deer hoof cane that i ended up purchasing because i thought it was cool looking. lo and behold it actually helped my pain. so i started to use it.

it didn't last long. between my family and regulars at my job (who had seen me walking without a cane before) eyeing it contemptuously, i quickly abandoned it. because clearly i could walk just fine without it. i suppress the need to limp. i have mastered the art of keeping a straight face when bending or reaching. no matter the pain. i was even able to hold still while i could feel myself being cut open behind the thin blue curtain. to them, my pain was invisible. and they would much prefer it remained invisible.

when i was five, i and all of my female classmates dressed up as princesses for halloween and went trick or treating together. i dressed up as cinderella.

and now here she was, depicted with the same chronic illness i now have. with a service dog.

no i know this is extremely ableist of me to say, but keep in mind that i was raised in a family where being sick in any capacity was a moral failing, and accommodations like canes, chairs, and service animals denoted a level of disability.

but a service dog in my mind is a much greater level of accommodation than a simple fucking cane.

can i be blamed that all i feel is bitter? yes, im glad that fibromyalgia and other pain disorders are being taken more seriously. but there is so much anger and resentment in me.

knowing i would be in this pain for the rest of my life, coupled with constant rejection, mocking, and isolation has dragged me into dark places multiple times. but none of those people ever cared about that. it's not even a thought in their heads while they call me back to back to wish me a happy birthday and wonder why im not picking up. i dont have it in me to put up my usual performance for them.

fuck that. and fuck all of them.

i bought myself a cane today. and the next person to give me shit is going to get hit with it.

[motsimages]

I wanted to write a post about how to be weirder for a mutual who made a comment on a post about accommodating your life even if you don't have a diagnosis. But it all feels easier said than done.

What I will do instead is list some of the weird things I do.

As far as I know I am neurotypical. I am very sensitive, which may be the only thing relatively closer to some neurodivergent experiences I have. I do see myself as partially disabled because of my back pains. I don't have a diagnosis for that though and even if I did, it wouldn't be enough to get an official disability file, so it is more my personal understanding of my self than the social/legal side of it.

But here are some things I have done all my life since I was a teenager and some I picked up. I guess many of these things can be consider stimming:

I speak A LOT when I feel like I'm alone. This means that if I'm in another room of the house, I speak. If I am walking alone on the street (even a crowded street), I feel alone so I speak, sometimes loudly. Sometimes I also sing. But only when I feel like I'm alone, which ironically is only a feeling because I have done it in front of people unaware that they could be listening. A friend of mine once asked me who was I speaking to (I thought he was asleep so I just had a massive long rant while basically sharing the same bed) and I said I was speaking in my sleep, which I don't. In my whole life, only another person asked me what I was doing. This was when I was 15 or so. I said I was singing. They probably didn't buy it. I didn't care. I just cannot stop talking when I feel I'm alone, I have to concentrate and make a conscious decision not to do it.

I write things in the air with my finger. This is also a habit I picked up from my teenage years (I am now in my 30s). I used to paint in the air the silhouette of people but that was more complicated and felt more intrusive. Instead, I write words or pieces of conversations. Sometimes I don't even notice I'm doing it. Sometimes I do it in purpose. Only one person has noticed without me telling them and they only thought it was curious.

Touching my hair and my face. I touch my hair so much that I usually just braid it or put it in a bun because it stresses me if I do it too often (my mom also gets nervous if I do it next to her, which I understand because it makes ME nervous too). But sometimes it is relaxing, when I'm watching a movie or something. I think working with wool also helps me because is is also hair and manual occupation.

I use a stool for cooking and doing the dishes and another one for showering. Because of my back problems, I can't stand on my two feet for more than a minute or two, so I just sit down for these tasks. A life saver, let me tell you.

I bought a stool-cane. This has been a success. Not only it has given me autonomy and reduced my back pain a lot, but people congratulate me and envy me. Several people (like once every two weeks or so) in less than 3 months has said what a good idea it is and that they will be buying one for an elderly relative, even asking where I got mine. Another good bunch of people has just nod in awe, said that it was an excellent idea and other great celebrations of this.

I dress with comfortable and practical clothes. Lately, some of that dressing may also include corsets because of my back pain, that I paid to make bespoke with different designs so I can show it off. I can be the most elegant person you've met or just the kitchest comfiest piece of furniture you've ever seen. We'll never know. I really should post my looks somewhere to give you an idea but many of my looks have names like "19th Century painter" or "Children cartoons detective".

I am looking forward to buy a massage ring. I tried one years ago from a friend who is a climber but I've seen similar things in shops for autistic people. Just thinking of it makes me need a finger massage lol. I don't have a hundred already because I keep forgetting to look for one.

My house is a mess. Wherever I go, it explodes. I can be tidy and I can clean but it lasts like half an hour. I am more organised than tidy or even clean, I've just surrendered to this. It sometimes surprises people because I'm really a fucking mess. I do like to have my bed done though, and sometimes I need to clean my desk and put it in perfect tidy order before I can work. But I cannot, for the life of me, clean as I go. If I cook, I cook and the kitchen will explode. And cleaning will come after lunch or whenever (in the same day, I have a limit).

I like to anticipate things. I don't need it and it doesn't bother me to change plans or improvise, but I already have a job who forces me to improvise all the fucking time. My anxiety during the pandemic has made me even more sensitive and my back pain forces me to take things with a different pace, so I like to know things with some advance whenever possible. My mother knows this, she realised years ago that I am like this, and gives me all the heads up she can (given that the rest of my family is The Improvisation and Changing Plans team).

These are some of the ones from the top of my head. There are probably more. But this is to give you an idea of what a 30 year old with a job and a partner and friends and a family who loves her can be like.