#but also the topics it presented at the time i watched it impacted me so greatly

[w1shb0n3z]

Alright, so hear me out

(this is another long one. Like. Seriously. It has 2.6k words.)

*yes, I edited this like 5 mins after I posted it just to add some more, oops

Post cannon Labru where Laios tries to help Kabru regain weight

TW: ED, Body Dysmorphia, Fat-phobia, Gender Dysphoria

It turns out to he a huge body image thing. Like Kabru develops a bit of an ED after he gains his weight back and tries to stay "the perfect weight" and major body dysmorphia. But! It's very sweet because hand feeding, of course, and self-acceptance.

I imagine Kabru's blue eyes get brought up when Laios is like "oh, you don't like that about yourself? :( you're so wonderful! What else could you possibly not like! Surely not those eyes ^^" or something

Plus! I'm 98% sure that Laios gains some weight post cannon, so his wrestler build gets softer, which, yay! We love that here! But this comes with its positives and negatives. (Dont he scared by how big the negative paragraph is)

Positive: Kabru has an example of having a healthy relationship with yourself and your body

Negatives (and hold on) TW btw: at a certain point of Kabru's weight gain/ body acceptance journey, where he gets obsessed with keeping "the perfect body" and does everything in his power not to gain anymore, his own twisted view of himself spills over to Laios. He starts to view Laios as a sort of slob or careless person because he gained weight after the dungeon and gained an extra 5-ish pounds while helping Kabru gain. Because Laios can and will encourage Kabru to eat by eating with him with a smile on his face.

What if someone finds out about Kabru's purging?

Yes, Kabru has purged a few times while he was at his lowest. And no, Laios doesn't catch him in the act. He doesn't know until someone tells him about it. Kabru just keeps it to himself with a tinge of guilt. Someone else finds out. I can't decide who yet, but if it were:

Chilchuck - he'd be familiar with his topic because one of his daughters went through the same thing. He keeps secret as per Kabru's request but gives to Kabru straight. He tells him vomiting hat much rots your teeth and only has negative impacts in the future. With Chil being big and tall for his race's standards and him canonically watching his own weight, he talks Kabru through this whole body image thing. Maybe not in the exact way Kabru wants, but in the way he needs

Senshi - he's SO against this. He tries to father Kabru, but his own lack of understanding for why Labru feels this way gets in the way of progress. He urges Kabru to eat and tells Laios what's goin on in hopes of figuring out what all of this is about, accidentally spilling the beans and leading to conflict between Laios and Kabru

Marcille - she doesn't really get the ED thing, but she gets not liking your body (since she never fit in with her "age group" while growing up and wished she physically presented like them). She also tells Kabru that throwing up rots his teeth and says it's bad for your mana and junk. Shes very offput by this whole thing, but she tries. She doesn't tell Laios...on purpose. (Falin also finds out becuase the guilt Marcille has from telling that secret ears her alive)

Falin - my girl does NOT understand. But she's here to empathize. She ends up being huge in Kabru's healing journey. She tries to check in on bim every now and then and uses her own transformation to promote body acceptance

Izutsumi - she doesn't know what to do. She's 17 goddamn it. So when she hears Kabru throwing up she just assumes he's sick, but when she keeps hearing it she gets a little stressed about him. She goes "he's just weird" and mentions it in conversation to someone else, most likely Marcille (which probably led to Marcille finding out in the earlier paragraph)

Mickbell...somehow - is like "dude wtf" and tells Rin about it since he knows there close. He's worried, yeah, but he doesn't think its really his problem. Especially since the two fo them aren't close like that.

Kuro - he finds out and tells Rin as well, he also tells Kabru that he looks fine. He mentions it to Mickbell, yeah, but in a "Will he be okay? :(" way

Rin - devastated. She initially gives Kabru a hard talk...which makes him worse, but hey! She tried. Rin then thinks its becuase of the shame of dying many times and tries to comfort Kabru again. Doesn't work. She tries to get him to eat the things he likes. He eats them, but she can sense the guilt from Kabru. They then have a heart to heart becuase Rin can't stand to see her best friend suffer like this and assures him that he looks fine as often as he needs

Holm - he takes a simular approach as Falin but gets a little more involved. He understands it on paper, but can't image what actually having these issues is like. Yes, he also informs Rin and is the one that told her to try to speak to Kabru in a less...prickly manner about this touchy subject

Daya - She doesnt realise what Kabru was trying to achieve by puking. So she just advises him not to do so and tells Rin about the strange behavior.

How does this affect non-platonic Labru?

Easy!

Well for starters! If they were boning before, they aren't now LMAO

Partly because of Kabru's own body image being trash and his attraction to Laios (temporarily) going to shit after Laios gained some weight to encourage Kabru. Damn that internalized fat-phobia. Neither one of them seems to have a clue what's going on. Let word, seems.

Kabru knows his view of Laios just isn't the same, but he doesn't let it be known that he's aware of this.

Does he feel bad? Yeah. But he only feels bad because he doesn't feel bad. He feels as though he's a shitty boyfriend for harboring such disgust for his partner's figure

Laios catches Kabru stealing glances at himself in the mirror. Staring just a little too long. Laios deduces that Kabru's feeling a little self-conscious after some hard thought.

So, of course, he makes sure to be extra careful about his words. He'd totally be like that one meme (which I can't find) that goes: "damn girl, that ass is wide" "what??" "I didn't want to say fat and trigger your eating disorders :/"

Plus, on the not boning thing, they're busy. You got a king and his advisor, they're not gonna be cranking it up every night! They simply sleep together, in a literal sense most nights anyways, so more sleep isn't anything bad

Additionally, I don't believe Laios has a high sex drive at all. (I personally think he's on the asexual spectrum, maybe because I'm ace, but still)

Kabru won't initiate a thing at the moment, it's up to Laio's sporadic desires to get things going. (It never gets going)

What if Laios discovers Kabru's feelings towards him and the purging?

He's hurt, simply put. He can't understand why Kabru dislikes his body, Laios can't understand why his own body would be such a turn off now.

In the non-platonic vers Laios tries to become "sexy" again. ....He fails horribly and ends up making a fool out if himself. At first he's like, "well monsters do this to attract mates" right after he feels as though he needs to inprove upon himself. Then he goes "no... Kabru isnt a monster, and im not either (unfortunately)"

He pushes that silly thought aside and tries to find out *why* Kabru is turned off by his looks now. His face? No.. His hair? Just got it cut. His figure? ...but why?

Laios goes right up to Kabru and confronts him about it. Kabru being the slippery bitch that he is denies it and goes "lol wtf haha! I luv u bae and there's nothing wrong with u!! ur so sexy and hot haha..."

This, inevitably, confused the shit out of Laios and he asks for honesty. Kabrus actions aren't exactly aligning with his words, and something needs to he done.

[Okay, let's be real here. If Kabru didn't want Laios to know how he felt, Laios' ass would NOT know lmao. This is just for the bit]

Now the purging? Laios is like "dude what? :(" he doesn't understand it. Nope. Not at all. He tires to he supportive, but he really doesn't know what to do with this. It's not like there's a bulimia monster, so he has no real frame of reference.

He's all "but you look fine how you are :(" and "I like the weight on you!" or even "did you know that [this species of monster] finds fat attractive? ,:D"

He means so so well, and Karbu knows it. Laios really is just a dog of a man.

Laios also tries to get Kabru to promise to stop. We know how that went. Karbu agreeing just to do it behind Laios' back because he knows Laios won't find out. He'll cut back on it, yeah, but he has his weak moments.

Eventually, Laios makes sure to only have Kabru serve his favorite meals. That should keep him from puking it up! And Karbu stops after a while. But only because his health is on the decline.

What else?

Two words: hand. feeding.

Kabru throws up? He gets his favorite meals so he won't. Kabru keeps checking his figure? Less mirrors in the caslte and more compliments. Kabru not eating enough or skipping meals? Simple. Laios makes sure he eats.

And how? A little less of Laios sensually slipping a fork full of decedent chocolate cake past Kabru's lips and a little more than a simple "here comes the airplane"

It starts off as Laios seeing Kabru taking smaller bites and being like "oh! Let me show you how to fill your fork! ^^" and then him taking Kabru's fork, impaling a bunch of assorted foods onto said fork, then handing it back to Kabru.

Then it sort of devolved (...evolved?) Into Kabru begrudgingly letting Laios feed him like a toddler while no one else ot looking. My boy Kabru does NOT know how to say no to this autistic man properly.

Laios was like "would it help if I just fed you?" And karbu replied something like "haha! It just might!" And of course Laios did not pick up on that God level sarcasm and went "cool, Let's try it then" and Kabru, wanting to appease Laios said "cool!". Bro was punching air.

(Yes, Laios said stuff like "good job buddy!" "You're doing so well!" "Its tasty, right?" Almost every bite)

In the non-platonic world, Laios would have Karbu sit ever so close to him as he was fed, maybe even in his lap. And of course Karbu would get a peck on the cheek after every bite. And the whole process may or may not turn Laios on. Especially when they're dining on monster. Whoops.

....anything else?

This all ties in with the absurd standards that was set for Karbu and the insecurities he hides within himself.

The whole blue-eye-spawn-of-a-demon thing was already enough for him. But being raised by that moody ass elf was a whole nother thing.

Milsiril, his adoptive elf mom, raises children like she has a monopoly in daycares. She's a serial foster fr. All them damn kids. Raising them like pets becuase you want something to love and depend on you. (I love Milsiril btw)

Anyways.

Kabru was his mom's favorite since his features were unique. Im talkin big bright blue eyes contrasting with rich dark skin, in particular. Plus, he was so sociable! All of his siblings looked up to him in one way or another. He was the star child.

And, you know that thing about elves being twinks, right? When ever Milsiril would check up on Karbu's health, she would use this old elven chart depicting the "average/desirable/suggested" height, weight, and muscle tone for diffrent short-lived races at diffrent ages/stages of life.

Safe to say these charts and texts were based off of elven standards, so everyone was thought to be slimmer, lighter, and more toned than normal. Plus, they're old lol. Instead of updating her charts and buying some from the diffrent cultures and races, she keeps her old one becuase she legit just forgets to replace it and hasn't had any "major problems" while raising her kids with that information so she doesn't think to change it.

What in trying to say is!

Kabru was raised with unrealistic body goals, and when he used to deviate from those arbitrary statistics during childhood he'd be put on diets and stuff.

Also, What if Kabru was transmasc?

Especially when he was a teen, even gaining a little wait made him go nuts. He couldn't get the words "unhealthy" out of his head and started associating it with the word "fat". His mind likes to play tricks on him when he's in the mirror. Exaggerating his figure and making him panic.

So! When he was sick and tired after that weird ass dungeon trip that changed his whole world and he came back to find himself thin as a pin, he tweaked.

He logically hated it because it was unhealthy, but a part of him was satisfied. With the added stress of becoming a Kings advisor, he started to crack under the pressure, manifesting in an obsession with himself. When he started to gain weight back he was brought right back to those check ups he had with Milsiril and those 2, maybe 3 times he was put onto diets in his youth. He really feared he was getting fat and he would just stare into the mirror and feel his flesh beneath his fingertips, searching for some sort of confirmation. All he felt was a bit of a squish, a bit of a give, and that's all he needed.

It was too much for him. His body was wrecked in his eyes. He's supposed to he fit and lean and thin and perfect. How could that be perfect? He looks in the mirror in his private study, wasting the time he could've been spending planning new city infrastructure or working out the kinks in trade. But no. He's here, in his dimly lit room, looking at how imperfect he's become in his eyes. How unhealthy he is his mom's eyes. How disgusting he is in his birth mothers eyes.

He had to fix it. The wound rubs deep, dar past the dermis. And, I guess, much like other wounds that cut a chasm into the skin, you don't really feel it once it severs your nerves. You don't really notice until you see the big, gaping, bleeding, notch where you used to be.

Lol anyways

Whoo boy. He is in hell. He feels like gaining weight makes him look "softer" and more feminine. He hates it, yes. But he tries his best not to let it effect his wardrobe. This whole weight journey really rehydrated his gender dysphoria.

He's used to looking a little androgynous, but with his new weight going to his stomach, hips, and thighs, he just feels as though his silhouette is becoming more girly.

Kabru is found training and working out more. Anything to get his body more boxy again.

He spends more time making sure he looks presentable. Even waking up a little earlier to ensure he vouge cover ready. (Well, I mean, as vouge ready as perpetual business casual can be)

And how does it end?

It takes some time, but Kabru heals. He's 10 pounds heavier than when we were first introduced to him, but he doesn't mind anymore.

It was a long journey full of all sorts of denail and shame, but he got there.

He's still the Light Yagami coded perfect chivalrous boy. He always has been. And Laios loves him all the same. Platonically or not.

Laios was essential in Karbu learning to let go of those impossible ideal and unreachable standards. Laios does not give a fuck afterall, he thinks all human bodies are unintresting beautiful! That dude does not judge. Rember him talking about the orc women in one of the monster tidbit sections? He's about body acceptance and neutrality.

Kabru grew to love his body, not just tolderate it or like it because someone else does. And if it tickles you, he liked the extra pounds Laios gained in the end, too. And if you're here for non-platonic Labru, then Laios may have became a bit of a feeder and has a tiiiiny food kink. Plus, Laios is a huge fan of the squish and Kabru likes how warm Laios is.

I just want to add this in here, also hecuase ive seen it before and i agree, but Laios seems like the type to give dutch ovens. He shows love like a big brother and its horrible (affectionate). This passes Karbu off SO BAD and it's hilarious. He has to sit down and have a very direct and serious talk about "getting too comfortable". And Laios would sit there the entire time like a sad dog and nod along.

Kabru and Laios also wrestle. No debate. They do it to spar, Laios does it for fun, Kabru does it to make Laios shut up. It's great!

Sorry this took so long lmao,, I legit just kept forgetting to write this

This was just word vomit. I've lost the plot somewhere along the way, I fear

[jimin-bangtan]

Jimin, A Man of Messaging 📝

Throughout the time that I have been watching and, dare I say, studying Jimin, I have noticed that he has been executing an extensive messaging plan. BTS is a group that leans heavily on messaging through their songs, videos, and album series (which is part of the fun in being their fan), but Jimin takes it to another level on a personal front.

The job of an artist is to express the feelings in a song, dance, or painting, but Jimin’s messages are often more personal. He often also shares information about himself.  It is as if he wants to share who he is or what he believes, so people can know him better or understand him better. He is often accused of making himself too vulnerable to haters by sharing so much of his heart, but I feel it is in Jimin’s nature to want to reveal his heart to people.

During the pandemic quarantine, Jimin really struggled as a person and an artist because he wasn’t able to interact more directly with fans.  He is an emotionally-intelligent extrovert who has a great need to connect sincerely with others. In order to connect in this way, he likely feels he should be seen for who he really is and not just the facade that’s been created as an idol. 

Being an idol, Jimin likely cannot directly say most of what he wishes he could, so he often indirectly expresses himself intricately through visual & musical means, such as images, numbers, melodies, and dance. It is a clever way to express himself to those who want to know him, while those who don’t want to know him are simply unaware.  He could choose not to share the information at all, but I feel Jimin has things he wants people to know about him, so he uses images that reveal information, or messages, to those observing.

Another reason for the indirect messaging could be that Jimin has said that he does not feel he is good with words, so his chosen methods of expression may be more comfortable or clear for him.  He may also just find pleasure in expressing himself through art - and by art, I mean through his music, presentation, and dance.

What started me thinking of this topic right now is Jimin’s current solo exhibition that is called The Truth Untold. 

Credit: Hybe Insight

This exhibition is a tribute to and display of the efforts, products, and achievements of Jimin’s solo projects: FACE and MUSE. The exhibition, as well as his entire MUSE theme, is centered around the fictional smeraldo flower from BTS’s Love Yourself series from 2017.  At that time BTS’s vocal line sang a song called The Truth Untold, which is a heart-wrenching, emotional song that speaks of the anguish of not being able to tell the truth about something in your heart. The flower represented that hidden truth. These ideas must have really touched Jimin because he remembered that concept and pulled it from the past to use it in his current solo project. (Jimin said it almost became the name of the album.) He had something he wanted to express in line with that idea, so he used a symbol and story that fans already knew, and were connected to, in order to express his message and make it more impactful. [For more specific information on what I feel Jimin’s message may have been for MUSE, see my Muse album post.] 

Those who are not steadfast fans would still see beautiful displays and expressive images. In other words, “If you know, you know.”, and if you don’t know, you’ll learn or just be visually impressed anyway. This is true of all the messaging Jimin does. Much is missed by some and those who have paid attention and know Jimin pick up on a good deal of the content, feelings, and ideas he is attempting to share. He’s hoping fans will make connections and hear the complete story he is laying out with all the clues.  Those of us watching may not always interpret the conclusions 100% correctly, but we do know there is detailed purpose in what he is doing.

There are many different ways Jimin displays messages. One way that I’ve already posted about is Jimin’s tattoos and how each one has a specific meaning to Jimin. He has chosen tattoos that also allow fans to make connections to other familiar things related to Jimin, BTS, and his life.  His “13” tattoo is for his date of birth and BTS’s debut.  “NeverMind” was inspired by Suga’s song (Intro: Never Mind)  that expressed the plea to push on even when things are difficult. “7” is, of course, his friendship tattoo shared with the other members of BTS.  His remaining tattoos are for other purposeful meanings as well. They are also mostly connected to BTS themes that impacted Jimin in some way.

Credit: Alexia Martinez

When BTS was tasked with individually creating their own photofolios, where each member got to design the theme and concepts of their photographs, Jimin was deliberate and meticulous about every detail, so it would clearly portray what he intended to communicate through the pictures.

Notice he has words and symbols drawn on his neck, chest, hands and arms for this photobook shoot, just like he did years ago for an ARMY membership kit photoshoot (2019).

Based on the words and symbols seen in both projects, observant fans can tell that Jimin himself chose these related drawings. Jimin is very consistent with the information he has been sharing, and those who pay attention can develop an understanding of what it is he is trying to ‘say’, reveal, or express. It is also a very good technique of messaging: Have a consistent message that you share repeatedly to ensure the message is picked up on and perhaps heard and remembered.

There is also Jimin’s Filter Performance in 2020, where he wrote words that meant “alluring” and “enticing” on the palms of his hands. These words fit the message of the song, which was explaining how idols’ images are created by the fans and for the fans in order to delight and satisfy them.

Jimin’s use of writing or tattooing actual words and symbols on his body to convey messages has gone on for a long time. Early in BTS’s career Jimin also had “NeverMind” and a Chinese expression drawn on his body for performances too. He eventually got “NeverMind” tattooed in place. It would stand to reason that the messages Jimin chose to permanently tattoo on himself are the most significant ones to him. 

If you’re still not convinced that Jimin is intentionally messaging, consider that Jimin’s tattoos are mostly placed in areas that can be seen by others so the messages can be viewed. Since we saw Jimin several times wearing only swim trunks during the Are You Sure? travel series🤭, we can be mostly sure that he has no other hidden tattoos. He wanted these messages to be seen often, even when wearing clothes.  In spite of the frequent use of this direct method of having specific words or images on display, Jimin uses several other ways to more indirectly express ideas and information too. 

Jimin pays attention to details in order to manage the information he wants to share. He takes the opportunity to use his clothing, jewelry, hair colors and cuts, and makeup to make an impression that helps to draw attention to his additional message. He sometimes wears clothes that have pictures, words, and colors to express some sort of information or connection. These items tell ideas, display emotions, and show something (or someone) he feels is relevant. They also create a tone that adds to the artistry of the performance as well as adding to information about Jimin and his beliefs.

Jimin trained in contemporary dance, which is perfect for a man of messaging. It is a form of dance that uses abstract body movements to express emotions and feelings. However, Jimin had to learn to adjust his training to the type of dance that was required as an idol, and the combination of all of these dance forms became Jimin’s trademark dance style that mesmerizes but that truly captures and transmits the meanings of songs, feelings, and information that are intended.

I have really only highlighted Jimin’s intentional messaging throughout his career and personal life.  He is so detailed that it would be overwhelming to list all the connections and items that Jimin purposely put into his work and actions. I can’t imagine the time and thought it takes for him to continually and consistently include these details.  It is no wonder Jimin’s solo project took longer than he feels it should have; While I’m amazed he was able to do it all in that short amount of time.

Jimin has always been involved in crafting his own BTS solo songs & performances, as well as some BTS group songs, but in his current solo work, he fully participated in writing, producing, and composing the songs and designing the performances down to small details.  Each of his solo albums was created to tell a full story from beginning to end. He had a definite narrative he wanted to reveal.  I have said before that Jimin has a way of writing lyrics that allow different listeners to hear different, sincere messages from their own perspectives.  The lyrics and visuals certainly included many connections to his past and present but that also weaved a story that revealed more about Jimin and highlighted the emotions he wanted to evoke. 

Jimin also includes messaging when simply posting comments to fans or BTS members or during his Lives.  He sometimes uses repeated numbers for specific purposes. While I don’t get into the details of the numbers theory, some of the numbers, by way of dates and times, show up so often that I believe there has to be something to it.  (If you’re interested, @KanMom51 does very detailed reports on how the numbers are repeatedly and consistently used.) Jimin is very intentional and often nothing is accidental or coincidental in his work or life.😉 I always say the proof is in the repetition for Jimin’s messages. Through the years he has been very consistent and repetitive about certain messages he shares.

If you’re still in doubt that Jimin is mindful of messaging, Jimin recently confirmed that he is well aware of the fans’ attention to his messages. In a photo shoot sketch for MUSE, Jimin said he was intrigued to see what we (the fans) would interpret about what he had left behind while he is away serving in the military. He said he was hoping that we would get the wrong idea and misunderstand some of the contained messages. (I’m still sorting out that comment.🤔) Jimin has nothing to worry about because BTS’s fandom is so fractured now that the different factions can’t agree on much these days and often have vastly different views after watching the same footage.  Still, I feel people, who have watched Jimin for years, will get a good amount of what he intended, even some of the items he hoped we’d misunderstand. 😏

In any case, if you pay attention, Jimin has so many layers of art and communication going on with all that he does, in work and in life. He uses what some would call “coded messages” to share information about himself, his thoughts, his relationships, and his beliefs. Consider watching or rewatching, listening or relistening to his work and actions, on and off the stage, and look a little closer.  Even if you feel you discovered an idea or meaning the first time you viewed the performance, video, photo, or Live, you could likely get new information each time you take another look or listen. Jimin really has messages and meaning in every crack and crevice. He is a true man of messaging. What has his work and life said to you?

Bonus: Jimin is so focused on messaging that the Smeraldo Garden Marching Band was created to also help message for others. During the behind the scenes footage for the making of MUSE, PDogg (Veteran BigHit producer) explained the SGMB concept to the featured artist, Loco.

PDogg is speaking the words on the photo to share Jimin's vision of the song. Aw.  Thanks, Jimin.💜

[mayullla]

Hi can i request 🌾+yandere+gorou fenkyew 😗

Title: Valentine's Visit

Character(s): Gorou (Genshin Impact) Summary: You liked Gorou for a while now yet when he confessed you could not say yes. Warnings/tags: Yandere themes, Gn!reader, Gorou gives you chocolate, an actual drop of blood mentioned, Soft yandere Gorou, if there are any mistakes pls tell me.

[ - A little present~! Event - Closed - ]

Gorou?" You looked at the man in front of your door, surprised. "What are you doing here? I thought you would be staying in Watatsumi Island until next month."

Gorou had been a friend that you made a while back, first meeting and then somehow bonding over what desserts you both liked. This soon changed to something a little cute as you started to like Gorou a lot. So when he confessed to you, you were surprised. Watching his face flustered red, sometimes unable to look in your eyes because of embarrassment. The moment he looked at you, you saw his determined eyes, and his words were genuine, you realized.

Yet you didn't say yes.

You watched as he froze in shock, the swirl of despair and sadness in his eyes as his ears folded, touching his head. Quickly you took his hands, unable to bear seeing him like this but also feeling a bit guilty.

You told him that you were touched by his words, and that you felt the same way. But you were unsure just yet, and just for a little while more, you wanted to get to know him more before making anything official.

Gorou looked at you as you explained your reasons. That you truly do care about him and treasure him, yet as you started to stutter a little, he held your hands tight, shaking his head and smiling at you. "Don't worry. I will wait for you."

The situation turned out all right, but at the same time, returning to what you had was essentially impossible. Both of you told each other that you do like each other more than just friends. While one side wanted to start something new, the other side wanted a little more time, even if you felt butterflies in your stomach sometimes when you looked at him.

Gorou didn't bring up the topic anymore. If anything, it almost turned back to normal, but things just never work that way. As time flowed, Gorou started to hang around you more often whenever he was able to see you. He was awkward, really, with his flirting, as he tried to move closer to you when the both of you were sitting down. His eyes just held a lot of affection towards you, and when he was caught, he would become bright red.

Sometimes it was just too difficult not to tease him a little.

"Her Excellency had given me permission to rest today," Gorou explained, his ears flopped down as his tail moved a little faster, as if nervous. "I... I just wanted to visit you today also."

You smiled at him, opening the door wider. "Why don't you come in then? I will make some tea."

"Uh- uhh... thank you!" Gorou nodded, almost bowing as his hands stayed behind his back. "I also want to give you... something."

Your back was towards him, planning on heading into the house again. As you turned back at Gorou in curiosity, facing him again, you tilted your head at the flustered boy.

It was a little bit of a surprise when he suddenly moved his hands, almost shoving something to your chest. Looking at his hand, you saw a present, a box of chocolates. "Today is Valentine's Day and I want to give this to you," he told you, his voice a little tense, almost stuttering. "T-this is not a confession or anything like that, don't worry. I just wanted to give you something as you are my... my friend!"

You looked at the present in front of you, then you looked at him. He wasn't looking at you, instead elsewhere. You could see that he had to think about it so much giving you these chocolates when the both of you decided that you would not date just yet.

Why did you say no? You do like him, that was true, so it should be easy to accept his love, and it wasn't like he did anything wrong or anybody, even you, could see how much he loved you.

Thank you," you smiled at the present. Instead of the usual red and pink that you see everywhere outside, he had chosen to go for a pastel blue box and a brownish-gold ribbon that reminded you much of the color of his hair. He raised his head and looked at you hopefully. As you smiled back at him, his smile returned to his face, happy that you liked his gift.

You knew that he wanted something more, yet you could not give it to him. There was a snake in your heart biting into your guilt. One time, you even thought that you were playing with his feelings like this, even if you didn't mean to. You were horrified at the idea that maybe you were.

Yet something was stopping you.

"Come in, you must be tired from your journey. Come in and rest for a moment, and I will make some tea." You let him into the house. This wasn't the first time you did, having let him in before in the past when you were friends.

"Thank you," he said, the smile showing his fangs, and you took a second longer staring at them before you went to the kitchen, already knowing that Gorou knew where the living room was. Making tea, the two of you went to see Gorou. You chose to sit down on the floor at the other side of the small low table, but Gorou immediately moved to the side to be closer to you.

On the table, the tea was served, and you opened the chocolates, conscious of the fact that Gorou was staring at you as you did so.

Small bon bon chocolates.

A variety of them of different kinds, ones that you thought you had talked about to him in the past that you would like to get your hands on but didn't because they were too expensive.

Your eyes widened when you realized that it was really those chocolates that you really wanted. "Gorou, aren't these from the brand that I told you about before?" You looked at him with surprise, "They must have been expensive."

Gorou blushed when your eyes met his, looking for an explanation, scratching his cheek with one finger he awkwardly laughed. "I know you always wanted them so." He mumbled. You smiled at his words, unsure of what words to say to express your thanks as guilt tried to rip your heart apart.

"Thank you so much, really." You meant it in your heart. "N-no... no problem." You wondered if Gorou could get any redder than this, wondering to yourself if his ears were also red or if it was your brain playing tricks on you.

You did a mix of a laugh and a sigh, watching. You could not help but view him with affection. Grabbing a chocolate, you took a bite of it and moaned at the taste of the rich flavor of the chocolate, humming at its taste as you ate the rest of the small bonbon chocolate.

Having an idea, you grabbed another and looked at Gorou, who continued to stare at you while you were eating, placing the chocolate right on his lips. "Here, you should eat one too!" You told him, unrelenting when he tried to decline, stating that it was all yours and that he shouldn't eat it. "Oh, come on, it is more delicious when you eat it with others, and I know that you also wanted to try them. Eat." You told him.

Looking hesitantly at the chocolate, Gorou finally closed his eyes and opened his mouth. Biting the chocolate that you positioned on his teeth, you watched as his eyes suddenly opened in surprise, looking at the chocolate like it was the best thing that was ever created, making you start to laugh.

P-please stop laughing so much," Gorou groaned, watching you when he realized why you were laughing again. Trying to calm yourself down, you took a deep breath. "Sorry, Gorou, you are just so fun to tease sometimes." Watching him stutter, stating that he was not, made you chuckle again. "Okay, okay, sorry. Here, why don't you finish the rest of the chocolate," you stated, waving the bitten chocolate in front of him.

Unable to resist, he opened his mouth again, and you placed the chocolate on his lips, wondering to yourself why you declined his confession when you looked at him with so much affection.

It was just for a moment, really. You didn't know how it happened, but in the end, it did. Maybe you left your finger there for a little too long when he closed his mouth, and his canine teeth bit your finger.

Both of you were startled as you quickly pulled your hand back while he opened his mouth to let you go. Looking at your finger, you saw a little blood on it where he bit. He grabbed your hand, looking panicked at the blood. "Are you okay?"

"Ye-yeah," you said, blinking repeatedly at him, starting to calm down while he didn't. "I am so sorry that I bit you. I really didn't mean to," he told you, panicked, and you tried to calm him down.

"Don't worry about it too much. Accidents happen," you told him, trying to ease him from breathing too heavily. Yet you could not help but freeze for a moment as you stared at him. His breathing, a little harsh, wasn't due to panic or anything like that but something else. His eyes moved back to you and then the finger and blood, and his rosy cheeks. There was something in his eyes, something that wasn't worry but instead crazed.

There was something obsessive in that, something that you thought you saw many times in the past but gone too quickly to point out that you thought you were seeing things. There was always this voice in your head right beside your crush, telling you to stop, not to do it, not to say yes. That if you do say yes, something bad would actually happen. A feeling, that were alarm bells telling you not to go farther.

You stared at his eyes, looking at your blood, and then filled with a sickening kind of love in them, hungry and craving for more. You remembered why you had said no that time.

You just couldn't say yes.

[adviceformefromme]

My recent journey with self love… 

Context: last summer I probably felt my most radiant yet, I was glowing, my life was thriving. But all that changed when i had a health scare and had to have an emergency surgery. I had to remove my nail extensions for the surgery, I deleted social media (and haven't returned since). I decided to embark on a natural journey. So goodbye gorgeous long hair extensions, and thank you for completely thinning out my own hair, good bye nail extensions, (I no longer wanted chemicals on my nails). And hello, and welcome natural, authentic version on myself.

I’ve spent months looking in the mirror, feeling average. It felt so disheartening to notice my flaws every time I caught my reflection. Everything about my image felt inadequate. The lines in my forehead, the scarring from old acne. But who was judging me? 

I had truly become my own worst critic, and after two months of deep reflections and shifting my energy I can finally say I have got to a place where I love what I see….  What did I do?

1) I set the intention. I knew I had to heal this inner self-depreciating, harmful voice and tune it into love. I did the mirror affirmations (they didn’t really work because I didn’t feel beautiful reading them), but what they did is remind me constantly of the work I needed to do, on shifting my inner voice. I journaled on this topic, I cried. I remembered a situation as a child where i felt less than average and processed the emotions. I listened to subliminals briefly on youtube. Podcasts on self acceptance. I went hard on clearing this lack of self acceptance.

2) I spoke to my mindset coach about my insecurities as it started to impact how I was feeling everyday, as if I was second class, less than average. He guided me back to God, and reminding me that my validation does not come from the outer world. His delivery of words, shifted my mind completely. I accepted where I am in this current chapter and let go of this idea that I need to be perfectly groomed and presentable to be accepted by the world. God loves me just as I am. Period He also reminded me that I was feeling the discomfort so strongly because it doesn’t resonate who I am. It’s not my truth. It needed to be cleared.

3) I took action. I went for a deep cleansing facial to help with my skin texture, got my brows did, also went for botox. I watched youtube videos of natural hair transformation and started speaking life into hair, and making homemade hair masks.

While point 3 might seem like a short-cut in some regards, because botox resolved one of my main insecurities when I looked in the mirror. There is no shame in making changes that make you feel good. The pain comes when you don’t accept or change what's bothering you. Your self love journey is completely unique to you. So if you need to spend money, invest, and make changes, go ahead. Investing in yourself is the very best investment you can make. Because how you feel each and everyday ultimately shapes the energy you carry with you moment by moment.

[wildemaven]

Sweet Creature: Chapter One

Pairing: Dieter Bravo x F!Reader (In future chapters)

WC: 4070

Summary: A washed up movie star with a failing career, fresh out of rehab and looking to turn his life around. He moves back to his small hometown to take a break from stardom and help his sister out with his niece— He’s traded the high-life for school runs and crafting. What he doesn’t except is to meet you, his niece’s school teacher who couldn’t care less about his extensive filmography or his dwindling fame.

Warning: 18+ Blog; brief description of drug use, rehabilitation/mentions of rehab stay, getting treatment for drug addiction, absent parents, anxiety, sister giving ultimatum, apologetic Dieter, determined to turn life around, cursing, if I’ve missed anything feel free to let me know.

A/N: Firstly, big thank you to @gnpwdrnwhiskey for listening to me drone on about this! And for also being a champ and beta’ing for me too!!

This chapter has some heavy elements to it, and I hope it comes across as a serious tone considering the topic of drug usage. I wanted Dieter to be deliberate in his attempt to better himself. There might be some reference to this characters contents in the future, but this will be the only one containing any actual drugs. There’s a lot of information packed into this chapter to help get the story going. I’ve been so blown away by the responses to this series and I really hope I do it justice! Any questions/comments/or you just want to chat more about this chapter, my ask box is always open!! xx

Series Masterlist / Playlist / Main Masterlist

Next

A few sharp knocks on the bathroom door. 

“Hello?? Is someone in there?”

No response. 

The slightest twist of the knob. Unlocked. Unoccupied. 

Only the opening of the door reveals quite the opposite. Occupied. 

“Oh! I’m so so sor— Oh my god! Are you fucking serious right now?! You’re getting high at a 6 year old’s birthday party!” 

No response. Just a deadpan look of nothingness from the body propped up next to the toilet. 

“I fucking knew it. I knew you would fucking let her down!! God!!! You’re such a fucking deadbeat, washed up douchebag— so fucking ridiculous.”

“W-whyy a-rrre y-youuu yellllling? Shhhhh!” His speech laden with a hint of sarcasm. 

“You’re a fucking joke! I can’t believe you would do this to your sister!”

“What are you yelling about in here?? Wren is getting ready to open her presents and wants everyone to watch her. Dieter why are you on the flo— are you fucking high?” 

“Ag-ainnn shhhhhhh!” His pointer finger emphatically raised to his lips, the noise too much for his dazed mind. 

“You promised me Dieter! You fucking promised me no drugs! I should have known better, I should have fucking known you’d do this— you don’t care about how much this hurts me to see you like this, constantly letting me down. I’m done Dieter, I’m so fucking done trying to help you if you’re not going to help yourself. Fuck! Get the fuck out! Go! Now!! I don’t want you near us, I won’t put Wren through this. Get help or stay away!”

The door slams, Dieter left alone to ruminate  over what was said in the small tiled space. 

Even in his stupefied state, the words thrown at him were enough to make an immediate impact. The cognitive part of his brain working over time to push through and make a levelheaded thought. 

“Deadbeat”

“Washed up”

“Get help or Stay away”

Reaching for his phone, he dials his lifeline who drops everything for him, probably due to her reoccurring paycheck, his assistant whom he’s thankful doesn’t hate him enough to ignore his call out of the blue. 

“Heeeey! I n-neeeed y-you to c-ommme g-get meee…”

He knew this was it, he had to get his shit together or suffer the consequences. 

*

He feels different if he’s being honest with himself. 

Lighter. 

Healthier. 

Alive. 

365 days clean. He made a commitment to a year long stay at a drug rehabilitation center, followed by a 3 month residency in a sober living facility conveniently tucked away in the Hollywood hills. 

Yet, he feels more lost than he was before he started treatment. 

He can’t remember what living a normal, healthy life is like— a life not high out of his mind 24/7.

This wasn’t his first time trying to get clean, he’d become a regular of sorts at a few different rehab centers scattered through out the greater Los Angeles area. 

Each stay with the same goal and each one a failed attempt at getting control over his life without the drugs. 

It was never “hope this is the time it really clicks for him”, it was always a question of “how long will he go this time before he’s kicked out and checking into the next one”— might have even been a headline a time or two. 

Many centers refusing to even consider treating him based on his past reputation alone. 

His agent’s patience was wearing thin trying to book roles for Dieter, doing his best to convince directors he wasn’t a liability and he could get the job done with zero risk in hiring him— it was far from the truth. 

Each day on set became a game of Russian Roulette, no one really knowing which side of Dieter they would be dealing with while shooting. That in itself was a metaphorical high he chased with each role he booked, seeing how long before some one caught on to his slurred words, blood shot eyes and sluggish demeanor. 

On numerous occasions Dieter thought he was skillful in his ability to mask his inebriated ego. He was combative with the crew and fellow actors— his temperament calm and mellow one moment, then seething and dripping with rage the next. 

He was getting sloppy. The teetering domino of his life had slowly began to tip and once it did finally fall, his entire life crumbling around him. 

*

The traffic is heavier than expected. Dieter wonders if it’s due to others similarly seeking to leave the city in hopes for a break from the dim aura that Los Angeles is. He can feel the weight of the city’s reputation lift from his shoulders with each passing mile as he maneuvers through the stretch of freeway congestion. 

A few honking horns bring his attention back to the conversation he’s currently semi engaged in. 

“This is a big step Dieter. I’m really proud of how far you’ve come.” 

He instantly cringes at the thought of getting back out to sell himself for roles. Facing those who were- and are- tired of his shit. 

The downfall of his career began when he was late for dress rehearsal for a role he some how managed to get— this role having potential to get him in the running for award nominations, propelling his career to new heights. But when he was no where to be found at call time, his assistant went on the search for him and it’s where she found him passed out in his trailer. He was too far gone to even pull himself together, prompting the director to fire him on the spot. 

The rate of speed at which news travels in Hollywood is the equivalent to a fast moving wildfire— once that first bit of gossip hits the ground, it’s spreading through the industry with a sudden surge of ferocity and growing far beyond what is predictable. 

His agent's attempt at damage control was a wasted effort. Directors dumping Dieter’s preproduction roles, actors refusing to work with him and threatening to quit if Dieter stayed on— his list of films beginning to dwindle in a matter of days and by the end of the week, Dieter Bravo was jobless. 

“The next few months will go by quickly, and before you know it you’ll be back out here booking jobs and proving everyone wrong.” 

Vanessa, Dieter’s assistant and full time babysitter, always seemed to have a way to make him feel at ease. And at this point, the only person he knew who believed he could actually turn his life around. 

“I really fucking hope so.” He sighs, this was his attempt at thinking positive. 

“Have you talked to her yet?” Her voice cracking through the car speakers as he continues his drive north on the 101. 

“Briefly. Told her I’d probably be getting in around 6 or so— BEEP!— Watch out asshole!” Throwing a middle finger at said asshole driver who nearly missed clipping his car. 

“She’s proud of you too, ya know. Might not seem like it right now, but she is.”

“Hmm. I’ll just agree to disagree with you on that point. Having a drug addict—“

“Former drug addicted, Dieter.” 

“Right— well, having a deadbeat for an older brother doesn’t really leave a lot to be proud of.”

“You’d be surprised. Hey, I got another call coming in. I’ll be in touch with you soon! Call me if you need anything! Again, Dieter, I'm really proud of you!” 

“Thanks Nessa! I’ll talk to you soon.”

The call ending abruptly, leaving him to sit alone in his thoughts for the next hour and a half—something he hasn’t really taken the chance to experience since, well, a long while. 

The Santa Monica Mountains provide a scenic view as he leaves behind the place he saw as his home for the last 20 years. 

His current destination plugged into his stupidly expensive sports car. 

Home. Where he grew up. 

*

He can’t even remember the last time he visited. Not due to the years as an actor taking him to all areas of the world. The last time he had been home was just over a year ago and he was high out of his mind, barely remembering the trip as a whole. 

His sister had asked if he’d be able to make it to his niece’s birthday. She was turning 6 and had been begging for her uncle to be there to celebrate with— he was easily her most favorite person. The specifics of the getting to his sister’s home and the actual party are pretty blurry for Dieter. 

Dieter spent most of the last year trying to produce a coherent flashback of the day that would ultimately be his last time using, the reason for his commitment to getting his life together. 

He never expected the lowest point in his life would be being caught in the bathroom of his sister’s home doing a few quick lines on the toilet seat, as his niece was blowing out 6 candles a few feet outside the tiny bathroom surrounded by friends and family. 

The moments following are a mixture of hazy clips, fragmented bits of information,

he’s tried to piece together to the best of his ability. 

The rush of someone bursting through the bathroom door, the echoes of laughter and music piercing his ears as he’s hunched on the floor against the wall, little specks of a white powdery residue dusting his mustache. 

There’s screaming as he does his best to focus his blurry attention on the distorted enraged figure in front of him, yelling something about being washed up— his eye lids heavy and fighting against them to keep them opened. 

If he had to recall the exact moment he knew he fucked up, it was seeing the hurt and disappointment on his sister's face— her face wet with tears as she poured out her disappointment and pain over the fact that he was strung-out at her daughter’s birthday party. The weight of his consequences bleeding through him as he vividly recalls his sister telling him to leave and not come back unless he was sober. 

The next day he checked himself in, determined to get his life together for good. 

*

He shakes away the subtle tinge of guilt that starts to bubble up in his chest. 

Remembering the ‘54321 Method’ he was taught in treatment to help ground himself when his thoughts start to become overwhelming…

5 things you see: the sun slowly making its way to the horizon, cars moving swiftly by his own, Live Oak trees rooted among the mountains, the slightest twinkling of the first few stars, his reflection in the rear view mirror— lighter, healthier, alive.

4 things things to touch: the leather of the steering wheel, his jeans fabric soft and comfortable, the cool metal of his rings adorning his fingers, the weight of his sobriety chip in his pocket a constant reminder of how far he’s come.

3 things you hear: the familiar beat of a popular song streaming through the car speakers, rhythmic tapping of his thumbs in tune with the song, his off-key voice as he sings along to the words he knows.

2 things you smell: his olfactory nerve triggered at the distinct scent of his woody amber cologne, that new car smell that still lingers throughout the car’s interior. 

1 thing you taste: a minty tingle on his tongue as he chews his last piece of gum. 

His nerves settle, his eyes focused on the road ahead, deciding he’ll right his wrongs when he gets to his stop— his sister’s house. 

*

The trip took longer than he’d originally planned. Weekend traffic to blame for the 2 hour delay in his arrival. 

‘Welcome to Ojai’— the stone sign greets him, dim uplighting barely making it readable as he turns on to the familiar street. 

The town is all but empty at this time of the night, street lights plus the few restaurants and bars that are open give off enough ambient light to drape the streets in a subtle glow. 

He’s instantly taken back to his childhood, so many memories tucked away throughout the picturesque landscape. 

Growing up with famous parents wasn’t all that glamorous in Dieter’s eyes. 

Dieter’s parents, Dean and Mary Bravo, were both well known in the tv and movie world. 

Dean had been known for his roles in James Bond-esque action films through his career, notably his best work among other smaller productions he worked on. Mary was the queen of daytime television with her numerous roles in soap opera’s biggest shows, a socialite getting invited to glamorous events and elite celebrity parties. 

Together they were Hollywood’s “It” couple, jet-setting to all parts of the world when schedules allowed for it. 

Dieter and his younger sister, while born into this movie star family, were raised far from it. Dean and Mary deciding to buy a home in the mountains outside of the headlines and prying eyes, a place where their kids could live a some what normal life. 

Normal was anything but normal. Dean and Mary didn’t let children hold back their lives and desires of more fame. Leaving them with nannies so they could keep up with the demands of working and living their best lives. 

Ojai, a small village-like town nestled in the valley of the Topanga Mountains, became a literal playground for Dieter growing up. 

Little reminders of his childhood still remain as he ventures further into town. He finds himself slowing the car a bit as he takes it all in, rolling the window down to let the evening air hit his face— it’s crisp as it trickles across his skin. 

The private school he attended all through his schooling years sits on top of a hill that over looks the valley. The school’s reputation was highly regarded and offered a plethora of academic courses and electives. Dieter found the  art and theater programs to be where he excelled most, painting and acting fueled his passion for the arts, propelling him into pursuing one as a full time career. 

He spots Bart’s Books as he drives on, an outdoor bookstore, that had become a daily hangout as a kid. The red wooden shelves still filled with adventures and history to get lost in. He discovered his love for storytelling sitting on the covered patio, nose deep in fictional worlds he dreamed of visiting. 

Across the way, a ‘no vacancy’ neon sign flickers on. Capri Hotel, a newly renovated hotel that still looks like it could have come straight from the 1960s with its mid-century design and modern style. He recalls the summer when him and his buddies regularly jumped the fence to swim in the pool, the cool water under the stars was refreshing during the California heat waves. They managed to only get caught once but worked out a barter with the then owners, they clean the pool and in turn can use the pool at their leisure. The hotel seems to be under new ownership now, but it seems to be doing well. 

On every corner there’s an art gallery. Some still looking as if no time had passed, others adorn new names and a fresh coat of paint. Several galleries offered summer painting classes, where Dieter found he had more creative freedom than in school to explore all mediums and really honing in on his style. He’s always imagined he’d have his own showing of his paintings, friends and family gathering to see his work— a dream he never lived out. 

His car parked and engine killed, he still hasn’t found the courage to get out. He can see a few lights on from the front windows of his sister’s quaint Spanish style home. Trying to not let the vague memories of his last visit deter him from going inside. He sends Vanessa a text, letting her know he’d made it safely and that he’d text her if he needed anything. 

Bags in tow, he makes his way to the front door. Nerves and emotions swirling around, reminding himself to breathe, letting go of the fear and expectations he’d had for this reunion. 

He opts for knocking, assuming Wren would be sleeping at this hour. 

The clicking of locks being turned, twisting of the door knob, the black wooden door swings open to the space that’s haunted him for the last year. 

“Hey, Diem. Sorry I’m so—“ He starts to explain his lateness before he’s cut off. 

“Dieter! Oh my god! I thought something happened to you! What the fuck?!” Her body launches at him, arms wrapping around him securely. He accepts the impromptu hug, dropping his bags to return the gesture. 

“No, no I’m good. Traffic was a nightmare and by the time I thought to call, service was fucked. Sorry for making you worry.” 

“You’re here and you’re safe— that’s all that matters.” 

This greeting is going far better than he had expected, but he hasn’t made over the threshold, still plenty of time for Diem to drop the hammer on him. 

“Come in! Let’s get you all settled in.” She ushers him in, closing the door and adjusting the locks again. 

He takes the space in, noting not much has changed from what he can tell in the diffused lighting, but he feels warm and welcoming even for him. 

“I got the spare room all cleaned and ready for you. New sheets on the bed and a few extra pillows just in case.” She seems skittish moving about the living room, picking up the few toys laying around the room and placing them back in their designated baskets. “If you want to sit, make yourself comfortable. You want anything to drink? Eat?” 

She seems just as nervous as he is and that makes him feel less anxious for some reason. 

“I grabbed some food on the way, I’m good.” Setting his bags down, he makes his way to the couch and sits down, deciding to rip the bandage off so to speak. 

Diem taking his lead, sits on the opposite end of the couch, legs tucked under her and hands resting on her lap. A lull hangs over them for a few moments, neither really know what to say or do. He notices her fingers fidgeting and decides to break the silence. 

“I know we haven’t talked much since the last time I was here,” He sees the brief wince on her face at the mention of it, as if she’d been actively trying to avoid talking about it. “But I want to tell you how sorry I am for—“

“Dieter, you don’t have to.” 

“No, actually I do. And I’m going to. Not only because it’s part of my steps in recovery, but because you deserve it— Wren deserves it.”

“She doesn’t know— about the drugs or you going to rehab.” She doesn’t look at him as she says it. 

“I won’t mention it to her then.”

“I just told her you were busy and that you’d be coming to spend time with us 'cause you missed her.”

“Why did you agree? After all the shit I’ve done and put you through, why are you letting me stay here?”

That gets her attention, her eyes glossy with unshed tears as she looks at him with nothing but love and forgiveness. “Because you’re my brother and I want you here, despite all the shit you put me through.” 

He shifts closer to where she’s sitting, wiping the few tears that had decided to fall. He doesn’t think he deserves her kindness, but is grateful he has this opportunity to do what he’s been wanting to do. 

“I’m sorry for the pain and hurt that I caused you. Not only at Wren’s party, but all the other times I’d said I was clean and wasn’t. For putting you both second to my addiction. I’m sorry for not being here when you needed me most. I promise I’m going to do my best to earn your trust and prove to you that I am committed to my sobriety.”

Leaning back, his hand digs into his pocket pulling out his proof, grabbing Diem’s hand and turns it over placing the chip in her palm. She looks at it then back at him, the most genuine smile graces her face before she wraps her arms around his shoulders and pulls him in for a hug. 

“I love you Dieter! Thank you for not only doing this for us, but for yourself as well. I’m really proud of you.” 

“I love you too Diem.”

Releasing Dieter from the hug, she adjusts herself back to her previous position, now more relaxed with her elbow resting on the back of the couch propping her head up as she looks at Dieter, really taking in how healthy he looks since she’d last seen him. 

“Thank you for also letting me stay here. I needed to get out of the city for a bit, clear my head and shit. Should only be a few months or less, until I can get a few things lined up— have a few potential projects I requested scripts for.”

The thought of returning to his old ways terrified him, he had all the tools and support to continue working on himself outside of treatment, but he didn’t want to chance it. He instantly knew exactly where he wanted to spend the next few months re-acclimating back into this new way of living, away from temptation. Knowing their last conversation was anything but great, he'd decided an e-mail felt less grievous and hoped she’d find it in her heart to accept him back in her home again. 

“Of course. Stay as long as you need to.”

“And I can help how ever you need me to, figured it would keep me busy doing stuff, help out with Wren.”

“Oh my gosh, please! It’s peak tourist season the next few weeks at the Hotel and I’ve got a handful of events we’re hosting too. School runs would be a big help for me.”

“Hotel?” He’s sure he heard her right but doesn’t remember any mention of a hotel that he can recall. 

“Funny story actually-- I bought the Capri last year. Did some renovations and it’s been great really. Keeps me busy most of the time, but I love it.”

Diem was never one for the spotlight, especially with movie star family members, actively avoiding anything to do with Hollywood and its ostentatious air. She always had a knack for making drab things look enticing, so Dieter isn’t surprised one bit by the mention of her being the new owner of the Capri Hotel. 

“And now that I’m the owner, you can swim for free— pool cleaning is encouraged too.” He laughs at that. 

“Congrats on owning a hotel I guess. I’ll definitely be taking advantage of swimming privileges then.”

“Alright. I’m going to head to bed, got an early morning dropping Wren off before I meet with the planner for our next event.”

“I can take her tomorrow.”

“You sure? You don’t want to settle in a bit first?”

“Nah, it’ll be nice spending some time with her.”

“Okay. Prepare yourself for a wild time then.”

She kisses the top of his head before heading in the direction of her room. Stopping before turning down the hall, she looks back at Dieter who hasn’t moved from the couch, one of his hands rubbing at the opposite shoulder and leaning his head to the side to stretch it out a bit— the longer car rides really doing a number on him. 

“Dieter—“ 

His head turns towards the direction of his name being called. 

"Hmm?"

“I’m really glad you’re here.” 

“Yeah, me too.”

Next

[smokestarrules]

Why Caleb & Evelyn’s Absence is Good Writing

So if you don’t know me, I’m a big fan of Caleb and Evelyn (Clawthorne. Because I’m sure). I’m fascinated with their story -- I wrote an entire fic about them in 2022 before we even knew Evelyn’s name -- and I find them both incredibly interesting considering what is both shown about them and not. Despite that, I had a feeling that neither of them would make an appearance in Watching and Dreaming, and I was right. 

Understandably so, some people were disappointed with that decision, that they were hoping for an entire flashback scene or something close to it. But while that also appeals to me -- oh my god does it appeal to me -- I also really enjoy the intangibility of it all. 

So, I have three reasons as to why I like that Caleb and Evelyn didn’t show up again, which I’ll go through in no particular order. The rest of this post will be under a cut because it’ll probably get pretty lengthy. 

1) Haunting The Narrative

Half of Caleb and Evelyn’s intrigue comes from the fact that in the end, we really  don’t know all that much about them. Everything that we do know is from second-hand accounts at best and the rest of their story is up to your own singular interpretation; we only know the bare bones of their tale, but at the same time, they’re both extremely monumental to the main plot of the show. 

They’re hardly ever shown centered on-screen (in Evelyn’s case, never), and again, despite their huge impact on the characters and world even 400 years later, it’s part of their charm that... they’re mysterious. You’re not meant to know much about them, not meant to perceive them as normal characters. Caleb never speaks in the show, Evelyn hardly even appears, and in the end, they’re not meant to be understood. 

Caleb seems to have undergone some semblance of a redemption, but that’s only alluded to considering how he ends up dead; the implied is everything, and getting a concrete answer would, in my opinion, ruin part of what makes this story so fascinating. 

Of course, the biggest argument I’ve seen against this idea is that casual viewers of the show, the ones who don’t care about combing the background of Hollow Mind for lore about Emperor Belos’ big brother, will be confused without the lack of context. And... I disagree. 

Sure, maybe some people haven’t seen the portraits from Hollow Mind, but they’ve certainly seen Caleb when Gus went through Philip’s mind in King’s Tide. Maybe they missed the book about Grimwalkers in Labyrinth Runners, but they definitely caught Caleb in Philip’s diary during Elsewhere and Elsewhen. Then, in Thanks to Them, there’s an entire scene in which Masha very kindly gives an entire summary on the topic, tipping off both the main characters and anyone else in the audience who may be confused. 

The story’s all there, both in the background and in the forefront of the show, and it’s weaved in so beautifully that it’s hard for me to believe that anyone would see Caleb in For the Future (of which is a scene I will be talking about soon) and have absolutely no idea who he is. 

So in the end, I think having a more clear understanding of the going-ons that set everything into motion would be almost doing a disservice to the fans who have spent their time piecing things together and it’s also not really necessary in the first place. It’d be nice, and I’m sure I would have gone even more insane with more to analyze, but with the way this show has always portrayed Caleb and Evelyn, them fading into obscurity in the final episode just seems... fitting. 

2) Philip Doesn’t Really Deserve Closure

It’s a simple fact: Philip Wittebane is kind of a fucked-up guy. 

Besides a flashback scene, another idea for a potential Caleb and Evelyn appearance that I saw tossed around most was this: it’s the end, Philip’s about to be defeated, and in the interim, he sees his brother one last time. 

Either he’s given forgiveness or not, Caleb being present at his lowest moment would undoubtedly mean something to Philip; over the centuries he’s spent a significant amount of time trying to remake his brother -- to make him better -- and no matter how you feel about him, Philip is a tortured soul. Perhaps Caleb could help him accept his inevitable death, perhaps he could have one last chance for Philip to have a moment of genuine vulnerability. 

He’d die with the ghost of his brother and the ghost of his brother’s wife looking over him, and he’d die content... maybe. 

Or you can go the other route: 

On the other hand, maybe Philip goes to his death kicking and screaming the whole way, with Caleb and Evelyn staring him down as he’s ultimately annihilated for good. The tale of two brothers is over, and while Caleb is the one who perished first, centuries ago now, it’s Philip who is undoubtedly the one who loses in the end. 

The last thing Philip sees is his brother’s hateful, tired face, and he dies with that image. 

Of course, that’s the one that sounds better to me; Philip is not a villain you could ever redeem (a cruel upbringing will not excuse everything) and to even make an attempt at it would feel cheap and be completely unaligned with ToH’s core values, which actively (and correctly) condemn people like him. 

The problem with both of these ideas, different as they are, is that both of them give Philip a sense of closure that he simply does not deserve to have been rewarded with. Either way, he knows for sure how his brother would feel about him -- or, at the very least, how he believes his brother should feel about him -- and it’s just that, the knowing, that rubs me the wrong way. 

In the end, the last time Philip sees his brother is in this scene in For the Future, and it’s safe to say that there’s no actual closure or anything close to it here. Whether or not you believe this is actually Caleb or just Philip hallucinating him (personally I subscribe to the latter), it doesn’t really matter because the idea stays the same. 

Philip spends this scene snarling curses at his unyielding brother -- who seems to be, notably, his younger self, given his hair length -- while also actively melting away in front of his eyes. Philip is the one who’s alive, Philip is the one who (he believes) is on the right side of history, and yet Philip is also the one on his knees, his entire body disintegrating slowly due to his own choices. 

As the episode continues, it’s shown that Philip is seeing Caleb and the other Grimwalkers that he’s likely killed as well, and they’re clearly more of a taunt to his already-collapsing mental state than anything else. Again I reassert my opinion that they’re not actually there, that they’re simply Philip hallucinating in one of his weakest moments yet, and because of that, there is no answer given. 

They stare; he tells them to “Shut up” and they don’t react in the slightest. They watch and they stare and they dare him to care about them in any way and the entire scene is just... a precipice. Eventually they disappear for good, and Philip moves on without even trying to process this phenomenon. 

Basically what I'm saying is that Caleb appearing in Philip’s last moments would give him too much credit. And that actually leads us right into the final point I want to make, which is this: 

3) Caleb Wasn’t Actually That Important To Philip 

In the long run, at the very least. 

Now hear me out. When I say ‘important’, I don’t mean that what happened with Caleb didn’t have long-lasting effects on Philip, because that’s simply not true; otherwise, my entire last point would be meaningless. Obviously, it’s Caleb (and to a lesser extent, Evelyn) who can be credited with initially setting Philip down this path; Caleb was probably the most stable thing in Philip’s early life, and losing him in a way that felt like abandonment -- and then killing him -- is undoubtedly something that would stick with you for a lifetime, 400 years or not. 

But Caleb’s death is also largely an excuse. 

Much in the same way that “saving humanity” is an excuse for Philip to commit the atrocities he does, Caleb’s betrayal pushing him towards that path and his subsequent attempts at bringing him back are also an excuse. 

Here’s the thing: if Philip was genuinely passionate about remaking his brother -- but better -- then he’d care about the Grimwalkers more than he does. If Philip actually considered every Grimwalker a potential Caleb that he could just fix, then he would not have been able to dispose of them so coldly. There’s dozens of their corpses piled under the Skull, yet he only even commits to memory a rare few. Even Hunter, the closest to Caleb a Grimwalker’s ever gotten, was given a Sigil! A Sigil, which tells me that no matter what, no matter how perfect Hunter may have turned out, Philip was never going to let him survive the Day of Unity. 

True, there’s definitely a part of Philip that hates the Grimwalkers because they can’t be Caleb, at least not in the way he thinks he needs (which is impossible, but I digress) there’s also a part that I think is just... carrying on because this is what he’s done for the past few centuries. It’d feel like giving up on himself to give up on the prospect of having Caleb beside him again, but there’s no passion anymore. 

In the end, I think Papa Titan said it best:

“...That man doesn’t care about anything but his need to be the hero in his own delusion.” 

That’s exactly it. Philip believes himself as the hero of the story, as someone who’s been suffering for centuries but will one day finally get the ending that he deserves. He goes through all of this not because he wants to go home and not because he wishes he could return to the life he and his brother once had, but because he so desperately wants to believe in the delusion that he is a person doing all the things he does for good. 

You don’t live for over 400 years working towards a singular moment without at least having the thought that maybe what you’re doing is incorrect. But Philip has never let those supposed doubts stop him, and by the time the series is ending, nothing matters except his goal -- to see the destruction of every last witch and demon on the Boiling Isles.  

Which is why, in this final scene of his, there’s not a single mention of his brother. His brother, who he’s spent the last 400 years trying to save; his brother, who, by learning to be better, essentially kickstarted Philip’s entire goal, but it became so twisted so quickly as Philip subconsciously decided that he was the only one who could ever fix things. 

To put it simply: Philip’s only ever been concerned with himself. His idea of morality, his vision of the Boiling Isles, his opinions on the witches that live there. Nothing else matters; Caleb is a crutch to fall back on and so is the idea that Philip’s saving anyone, it’s all just more vindication to feed into his hero complex, because he’s the only one that really matters. He’s human and Luz is human and so they’re redeemable, but he stopped seeing Caleb as human the moment he saw him with Evelyn. 

In the end, I feel as if it’s almost safe to say that Caleb and Evelyn as constructs are more important to the all-encompassing plot than they are to Philip specifically; they set him on his path, sure, but his descent into madness almost feels inevitable, death of his brother or not. He blames his own misfortune on them, and the fact that they're never quite seen makes Philip’s villainous qualities that much more emphasized, I think. 

Overall, I loved Watching and Dreaming and I loved ToH and I think the characters of Caleb and Evelyn are some of the most haunting I’ve ever encountered, literally and metaphorically. 

Their story is largely up in the air, but it still gets told, you just have to look for it. That's their charm, that’s why they’re interesting to me, and that’s why I am content with getting the amount we got of them. 

[chaos0pikachu]

So @doyou000me sent me an ask about the film making of Love for Love's Sake (which I have learned is based on a novel and now I'm very interested in reading it lol) so having watched the currently available episodes the big thing I noticed was the shows use of Aspect Ratio.

"In simple terms, the aspect ratio of a movie is how wide the frame of the movie is versus how tall it is, usually expressed as a ratio. For example, most TVs and computer monitors are 1.77:1 (more often expressed on consumer packaging as 16:9), which means the screen itself is 1.77 times as wide as it is tall. The higher the first number in this ratio is, the wider the screen will be." (source)

I know, nerd math.

Basically you know those black bars you sometimes see on the top and bottom of the screen when watching a film or tv show? That's a director filming in a specific aspect ratio:

(source)

Film makers use aspect ratios in a ton of ways, there's a lot of examples out there from Hateful Eight (Quentin Tarantino), and Dark Knight (Christopher Nolan) where the former used aspect ratio to invoke the film making style of old westerns, while Nolan used a taller aspect ratio for fight/action scenes to give the scene more physical impact.

A recent example that I've seen that I think applies really well to Love for Love's Sake is Marry My Husband:

See how the first scene has black bars above and below? The director is using a different aspect ratio than in the second shot (these are both taken from ep01). What does this signify in the story?

Flashbacks. Flashbacks in Marry My Husband are always filmed in a different aspect ratio than scenes in the "present" storyline of the show. Perfect Marriage Revenge also uses aspect ratios this way.

Love for Love's Sake does something similar but instead of flashbacks it uses aspect ratio to denote between "worlds".

The game world is filmed in a longer aspect ratio than the "real" world which is filed in a different ratio (not a standard full screen but it does have a taller ratio than the game world):

This, so far, has been consistent in the four episodes that are out. We have another return to the "real" world in I believe ep03 and we see this same aspect ratio dynamic.

Another thing I noticed is the "real" world's color saturation is much higher and warmer than the "game" world, but it's also (ironically) much more enclosed - this could honestly be a story choice or a budget issue - and boxed in. Something I don't see discussed a lot in terms of cinematography in BL is the use of Lines and Shapes in film and how they add to the composition of a shot.

I really like this video on the subject though it focuses mostly on animation it's still relevant:

Now if you look at the "real" world scene in Love for Love's Sake we see that the protagonist, before we even know who he is, or anything about him, is in a highly saturated room, warmly lit, but also boxed in:

The warmer saturation denotes a sense of intimacy, which makes sense in a bar setting, but the boxed in frame around him gives us a sense of tightness, tension even, maybe a sense that he feels trapped. We later learn through dialogue he's unhappy with his life and unhappy with the way the novel story he read has played out.

Then, when the scene transitions into the "game" world, the protagonist is in a different aspect ratio, the color grading is now more desaturated and has a higher blue hue to it, the character is also in an open space and filmed front forward facing instead of from behind:

This all works well because the audience knows, even before the character does, they are in another "world" and its very different from their own. It creates to specific aesthetics which help set the worlds apart from one another.

For more on color theory, this is one of my favorite videos on the topic which has more to do with like, hue and saturation rather than "the blue curtains mean xyz" which is a singular and narrative heavy way to focus on color theory instead of how color adds to the tone, emotion, and world building of a piece of media.

I think the first episode of Love for Love's Sake is the best filmed of the episodes so far, the budget starts to chip away in other episodes but I do want to give them their roses b/c they do work within their budget well. There's a lot of interesting visuals used especially with the game pop ups that I really like, and some nice camera work. The editing is a bit weak at times but there's been some good choices too.

I also really liked the scene with Yeo Woon running and how his feet lit up and how that aligned with his affection points going up. The editing for that was well done.

So yeah, those are my film making thoughts on the show for now lol

Check out other posts in the series:

Film Making? In My BL? - The Sign ep01 Edition | Aspect Ratio in Love for Love's Sake | Cinematography in My BL - Our Skyy2 vs kinnporsche, 2gether vs semantic error, 1000 Stars vs The Sign | How The Sign Uses CGI

[like these posts? drop me a couple pennies on ko-fi]

[goinghostie]

Hoshiai no sola / Stars Align Ep. 13 Teaser - English Fan Sub

Disclaimer: I am in no way claiming credit for Hoshiai no Sola or Stars Align/Hoshiai no Sora. I put this fansub together because the original video did not include English subtitles, and many overseas fans do not realize it exists. If English subs are added to the original video, I will remove it.

There was no official English translation for the Hoshiai no Sora tribute video that was posted by the animation team to thank fans for supporting the series. As such, I am sharing a fan sub that I have translated (apologies for any mistakes!).

The first half of the original video includes a montage of scenes from the first half of the series and is available to watch on TBS' anime Youtube account. The second half includes this teaser portion, which confirms that there is more to the story than we were able to see. This is because the series, which was originally greenlit for a full 24 episode cour, had the second half cut last minute.

The creator, Akane Kazuki, didn't want to rush anything or alter the story, and so the abrupt cliffhanger we were left with in episode 12 was meant to show there is more to the series. As of February 2023, Akane-san shared that he still wants to bring the second half to life, it just doesn't seem likely since he has exhausted his options within Japan. He has thanked fans for their support and urges us to continue showing support - with enough voices, it is possible that a studio may pick up the second half in the future!

Stars Align delves into topics that aren't typically covered in anime, for example, Yuu's exploration of their gender identity and Maki's respectful explanation on Shou being a trans man. In addition to this, the series also shows harmful partening styles and the effect they have on children.

It approaches each situation carefully and never shows the abusive side of situations in a positive light. Each scene is raw, emotional, and incredibly realistic. I have respect for Akane-san and the production team for tackling issues kids don't typically see in a series - ones that may be struggling with themselves and aren't aware just how negative an impact they have on their lives since that is all they know.

Stars Align is a series you could say was ahead of its time. One that resonates with many who can relate to the issues and struggles presented. It isn't a show for escapism, like most anime. It is a series that faces real struggles head-on.

To some, this is a weakness. But to me (and the many other fans who resonated with a kindred spirit in the series), Stars Align is a series that makes us feel seen. It shows that anyone can be struggling, even if they might not openly show it.

Stars Align's premature halting of production fits all too well with an overarching theme on the show - the boy's soft tennis team was threatened to be shut down, and it took a LOT of hard work and dedication for the kids to grow and save their team.

As fans, we need to come together and show support for a beloved series that was cast aside, just like our favorite soft tennis team. To join together and show support so that the second half of the story can be made, as intended.

How can we show support?

1. Spread the word - the more people who legally stream the series will show streaming platforms that the anime means something to subscribers. Stars Align is available to watch on Crunchyroll!*

2. Start conversations about the topics presented and the impact the series has!

3. Create content - art, fanfics, edits, theories...posting content about the series helps spread the word and introduce others to the series. To this day, new fans are discovering the series and love it just as much as the original fans back in 2019!

skyofstarsalign is a Twitter/X account dedicated to sharing fan support of Stars Align - it documents all support or mentioning of the series on the platform.

*While it can be difficult to keep talking about a series years after it premiered, the tendency to move on is exactly what makes support dwindle and fade. The support needs to continue - shows can be brought back years later, as was recently seen by Kakuriyo: Bed & Breakfast for Spirits. A second season was announced due to support shown by overseas fans. Crunchyroll urged the studio to make a second season based on the high viewership numbers on the platform.

Please join us in showing support for Stars Align by introducing more people to the series and sharing what you loved most about the first half. Together, we can help Akane-san make the second half a reality!

[lavishl0ve]

🩸Johhny Slaughter x Fem Reader🩸 (Part 2)

Part 2 continuation of my Part 1 Reader, I plan to make many more of these (which can also be read as a stand alone) but I heavily suggest reading the parts before these since I do reference some connections within previous parts! Again, these are my first fics and i’m not like an english major or whateva so i apologize if it isn’t perfect. Thank you and enjoy 🤩 (First part is on my page :)

Part 2: Scars

My dreams only remind me of the terror I wished to avoid. Ana screams echo throughout my head. I should have helped her, sacrificed myself. Maybe she could have been the one to escape. I curl into myself sitting on the rough mattress waiting, and waiting. Waiting for what? I’m not sure. May death have mercy and greet me with a cold kiss in my sleep. But death is late. I’ve lost count on how many days it's been, weeks? Each day that Johnny man swaps out my bandage, sometimes we exchange a few words but our encounters are usually in silence. With each encounter I grow with worry. Once the infection leaves my ankle is that when he’ll murder me? Oh god. Will I take Julie’s place on that meat hook..? I can’t think about it. I feel sick. Scratching interrupts my thoughts. That notifying sound of someone entering the basement, is it bad I was hoping it was Johnny? He was the only family member presenting some type of remorse or maybe it was just his job to make sure their food isn’t contaminated. Their. Food. I shake the thought. Sissy treds over and suddenly I'm disappointed. Better her than that cook though, last time he brought me food he spat in it. Safe to say I didn’t eat it. Not that the food is good anyways. She slides the plate under the small gap the bars have.

“Here Sugar.”

I look up at her giving her a small nod. Maybe I would have smiled if it wasn’t the same stew as always. But it’s better than starving…right? She stands for a moment watching me and sits down. I stare reluctantly at her.

“Go on, you’ll like it today. I made it.” She giggled.

Scooting forward I grasp the plate. It’s hot today. I take a small portion of the meat and take a bite. I chew once then twice. It’s incredibly tough, I let it linger in the back of my mouth acting like I swallowed it. She laughs again.

“How’s that red headed friend of yours taste?”

She mocks me poiking her razor blade through the bar so that it's mere inches from my face. I spit the chewed meat at her,

“You fucking monster!” I yell and I throw my plate at her.

shards of porcelain shatter on the floor from the impact, a few shards cutting her stew stained face.

She grabs my shirt through the bar hitting my head against the iron bars

“You fuckin’ bitch.” She screams, shaking me against the bars.

She takes her razor blade and slices right underneath my left eye.

“Eye for a fuckin’ eye.” she scowls, “Next time it’ll be more than that.”

She throws me on the ground, some of the chipped porcelain pieces cutting my legs. She leaves. I occupy my time picking the shards out of my legs.

—————————————————————-

I wake up to the thud of his boots approaching. Death had not visited me tonight. Unless Johnny is death. I see him walk towards the cell looking at the shards on the ground. He groans. Maybe he knows what happened. Entering, I face toward the opposite wall hiding the cut Sissy had given me. Maybe I'll just let this one get infected and die. He sits on the mattress right next to me removing the same compact tin and gauze again. I refuse to face him. He takes my ankle and unwraps the gauze himself.

“It’s better.” He remarks.

He goes through the daily process , applying the topical cream, then wrapping it up. He sighs.

“You’se alright sweetheart?” He questions.

“Don’t let er’ scare you.” He glances over left toward my face.

He saw the dried blood that had ran along my cheek. He grabs my chin with two fingers and turns my head to see the cut better.

“Fuckin’ Sissy.” He hissed through his teeth.

Johnny rose and stomped out the basement without another word. You didn’t hear the scratch of the door close though. Maybe this is my time to escape! But how the hell will I get out? I reach outside the bars fumbling with the lock. Impossible without a key… or a bobby pin. Digging into your messy hair hoping to find a remaining pin you used the day you guys got caught. It took some time but it was there. I unfold the bobby pin and inserting it into the lock trying to hear those “clicks” Connie talks about. I was never as good as Connie, although she tried to teach me, I had always got frustrated. I twist around the pin, unable to hear the noise. I click my tongue in frustration. I try to remove the pin, trying to restart. It snaps. Fuck. You throw the pin on the ground and sit back against the cold wall.

Johnny yells, “The hell you do to er’ Sissy?”

“She jus’ needed a lil’ lesson Johnny.” She replies, “Was actin’ like a bitch.”

Some words were muffled, at the end of their argument Johnny's words were loud enough to echo throughout the whole house.

“Don’t cha’ go on touchin’ my fuckin’ things Sissy!” he yells, “Or ya’ gonna get it worse than er’.”

You hear a door slam.

——————————————————————

The next morning you awaken to Johnny banging on the cell.

“Wake up.”

I rub my eyes, vision coming into view. Johnny unlocks the cell and grabs your wrist.

“Cmon’.”

“What- where are we going?” you ask.

You’ve never been out of the cell. Is this the end of your demise? Johnny clecthes some sort of emerald green fabric in his left hand. He leads you throughout the house towards the back walking through the kitchen, the sink stained red at the glance you get. We step outside, it’s still dark out, my bare feet touch the grass and I breathe in the fresh air. Finally, a nice change. He leads you toward the same shed which you first encountered him in. Pulling the switch on to turn on the lights you make out the space. Some kinda workshop of his I assume. He walks you through the side door which opens toward the back. He shoves a hose into your hand.

“Clean yourself off.”

Stunned you just stare at him, you can’t see much since the darkness covers his face. You wait.

“You gonna turn around…?” I ask uncomfortably.

“I gotta make sure you don’t run away sweetheart.”

You feel your cheeks blush, but you can’t resist a shower. (A somewhat shower). You walk a few steps from him. Facing away, you take off your shirt, then your underwear. Since you can’t see him he surely can’t see you right? At least that’s what you tell yourself. You turn the knob right and the cold water splashes immediately at your feet. You whince at the sudden shock, Johhny laughs under his breath.

“It ain’t gettin’ any hotter, make it quick.”

I suck it up and point the hose over my head dousing my hair, I bite the inside of you cheek. The water runs down my spine. I coat my hair, wash the dried blood off my cheek, thighs and scrap the stew remanents off on hands. Wow how I miss warm showers. I look back towards johnny he leans against the barn, cigarette in mouth, he glances back over like he knew I was watching him. I turned around finishing my “shower”. As I turned the knob off I hear johnny shift off the shed wall.

“ ere’.” He say’s cigarette in mouth.

He throws me the emerald cloth he’s been holding. I unfold it revealing some short dress. Probably Sissy’s. I pull the fabric over my head, then squeeze out the excess water in my hair. I walk back towards Johnny.

“So,” I pause, “Back to the cellar now?” I shrug.

“Naw’.” He throws the cigarette to the ground grinding it with his boot.

I’m taken aback as he walks away, I assume he intends I follow him. I quicken my steps with little hops and skips, the dirt collecting on my wet feet.

“Where we going?” I ask quickening my pace trying to catch up with him.

Johnnys strides are long, almost double mine. I skip every now and then just to catch up. He stays silent to my question. As we approach some junkyard filled a bunch of old rusted cars Johnny strides over to the back of an truck and puts down the cargo-bed hopping on the edge as he pulls out another cigarette. I stand there, what do I do? I take a moment then just decide to do the same, dangling my feet as he stares . He offers me the box,

“Oh no, I don’t-“

He nods and snatches the box away back into his pocket. The sun rises over the horizon painting his face a lovely orange and golden color. I study Johnny more in depth, his dark eyes stare into the sunset. Wow. Am I crazy? Or is he strangely attractive. A piece of his slicked hair falls in front of his face as he leans down towards his red lighter igniting his cigarette. His nose is so perfectly straight, jaw, hand sculpted. No Y/N stop. This is insane. I avert my attention towards the sunset hoping it’d change my thoughts but it can’t. I can feel him staring at me. He drops his head back down holding his cigarette between his legs as his forearms rest on his thighs. His forearms. I glance at them. Scar-covered. I decide to break the silence.

“How’d you get those?”

He scoffs, “Which ones?”

“These.” I trace the scars on his upper bicep.

“Barfight.” he mutters puffing his smoke again.

“Well… you’d win?”

He scoffs, “I always~ win Darlin’.”

The way he dragged out his S sent me into spiral. What is wrong with me?

“What about this?” I ask pointing to his left hand.

“Nubbins. He’d always set up traps when we ‘er kids.” He pauses, “Left a pretty good god damn mark.”

I nod agreeing with him.

“I’d suppose yours will leave more though’.” He winks and nods toward my ankle.

I purse my lips together.

“How about this one?” I ask moving his strand of hair, hinting at the scar going down his eye.

His eyebrows furrow. He doesn’t answer. Serious subject. We sit there for a minute.

“My Maw’…”

We stare at each other for a moment. His puffs the cigarette again, jumping off the cargo-bed. Did I fuck this up?

“We outta go back inside before they know I brought chu’ out.”

I jump down, “Back to the cellar?” I sigh.

A simple Mhmm rumbles between his lips. I look back towards the sunrise soaking up each ounce I could receive. Who knows if this is my last time seeing the sun, let alone the sun rise. But in the end, I guess beautiful things aren’t meant to last.

[urmomswifesworld]

Fleabag, a Feminist Icon

I love the show fleabag with all my heart, it is an amazing piece of television which makes me feel so many emotions. I spent a lot of time pondering how this piece of art is involved/impacts/advocates for feminism and want to share my thoughts.

⁍ The use of breaking the fourth wall was a very poignant technique. It served as a commentary on the agency and autonomy of the female voice. Fleabag's direct engagement with the audience, while offering a deeper insight on the characters feelings thought and emotions, challenges the typical passive role female characters are given within story telling as she is an obviously active participant in HER narrative. ⁍ The show tackles often taboo subjects such as sex, a topic women have been shamed for talking about or indulging in for decades. Fleabag's unapologetic approach of her own desires and refusal to succumb to societal norms go against the stereotypical representation of women in television. Her sexual autonomy is a crucial aspect of her character and is never demoralised or shamed for her choices and instead encouraged to navigate her journey through validation and empowerment. ⁍ Fleabag also delves into the intricacies of female relationships. It views them of less of "gossipy" and more of a strong powerful sisterhood which is unlike what is usually presented in television. The shows central focus is on Fleabags relationship with her sister, not a man. It beautifully acknowledges the ups and downs of woman and sisterhood and shows that women are deeper than what is at face value. ⁍ It offers a critical examination of societal expectations placed upon women by showing the brutality of the guilt, grief, and self-worth issues Fleabag has to deal with which many other women can relate to. The show dismantles the typical perfect, put-together woman ,whom we are far to familiar with through all sorts of media, and instead presents a protagonist who is flawed, messy and REAL. It is a refreshing departure of the one dimensional female characters we are typically forced to indulge in. ⁍ The character of Fleabag challenges traditional gender roles and expectations by rejecting the idea that her worth is defined by her relationships with men or how well she adheres to social norms. The show is about HER journey of SELF-discovery and SELF-empowerment. This enforces the fact that a woman's narrative does need to revolve around conforming to societal expectations.

The show is a ground-breaking representation of feminism in contemporary media. Through its innovative narrative, unapologetic exploration of female sexuality, and nuanced portrayal of female relationships, the show defies stereotypes and provides a platform for authentic, multifaceted female characters. I highly recommend anyone to watch the show as it was a breath of fresh air.

[empenvs3000f24]

Unit 5 Blog Post

I think it’s really cool to learn about nature in pieces. I enjoyed listening to Washington Wachira’s passion for birds and the way he approached the topic from so many angles. He starts small, and grows our knowledge into an ecosystem and human-impact on the environment lesson. This is a great way to capture people’s attention. I think sometimes with nature interpretation we start too broad and it gets overcomplicated. Additionally, his method of presentation is very exciting to watch. He uses storytelling, humour, is very expressive, and uses visual props like feathers. This kept me engaged and wanting to pay attention. I also enjoyed how he broke up his speech into parts, with each part getting more interesting then the last; very well organized. 

I thought it was so interesting how the Ted Talk mentions how our human ancestors would follow flocks of vultures and eat the meat that was sourced by said vultures. I found it interesting how for ages we have been using animals and their instinctual nature to benefit us. I wonder if we gave anything back to those birds? How did we effect them by consuming their food source? He then references how Sunbirds are pollinators and help the crops that we depend on for food and harvesting. I feel like as humans, we sometimes forget where we truly stand. We would be nothing without animals, and if we were stripped of all of our modern technology, we would probably not make it very far. I think this Ted talk was a great reminder that we need nature, nature does not need us. Guelph is a great place to delve into this concept, as we are quite a green school. There are plenty of professors and learning students who provide many different and well-researched aspects of nature and the environment. We are lucky to attend a school that provides us with such a large green space and focuses on keeping our campus lush. As a city, Guelph has been implementing more bike lanes and making our space more walkable overall. I recently visited Western for homecoming (boo!) and quickly came to the realization that getting from point A to point B is not as easy on foot as it is here. We take for granted our environment, or at least I do sometimes, and needed a reality check. 

When it comes to creating the podcast with my group, I’d like us to keep the message of human-impact on the environment in the back of our minds. We can all do a little learning and take action from time to time. The takeaway lesson for me this week is to immerse myself more into my community, learn about some more niche nature topics, talk to people with environmental experience, and take advantage of all the nature-based education that I can access here at Guelph. 

[resetting37]

The shows and franchises of Evelow

@darby-draws asked

I was recently thinking about some of my OCs being more fantasy nerdy vs scifi nerdy and it got me thinking about what type of genres and media your main OCs might like? for one, just in general scifi shows or horror movies or long fantasy books. But I was also thinking, with your own world its not as easy to say they the big obvious genre staples like LOTR or Star Trek for example... but does your world have similar Really Popular things like that.

Things like: Is there a really long running tv series thats had multiple iterations, like star trek that any of your OCs grew up with and have Big Opinions on? Fantasy epic multiple movies 3 hours each to tell the story? Would any of your OCs enjoy binging that over a long weekend for fun?

Thank you for the question !! I was going to make more faux posters of some shows that could exist in Evelow, but I'd rather just go ahead and talk about the topic. More could come in the future, we'll see. I'll also add in the character opinions. (sorry in advance if this gets long.)

So Evelow doesn't have the huge library of stories that we have. Mostly due to limitations, as Evelow's shows and movies are filmed in Evelow, and though it's a big civilization, it's not quite the same scope our present day world has. They'll have maybe one or two blockbusters a year, while most movies are indie or low budget. TV shows, however, are given more budget. Though there's not really enough on the screen for characters to be too picky in their genres, so I'll just present some vague ones.

Here are some popular shows/franchises:

Paranormal Paradise

Brother and Sister duo are on a secret unit that deal with the unexplained or the paranormal, as the title suggests. Pair that with sunsets and synth wave music, and you have a show that's currently on their third season.

This one is fairly popular with Evelonians. Out of my ocs, Kat thinks it's fun and while she's "team Una" (the name of the sister character), she finds the monsters designs the best part of the show. Cora thinks she's ridiculous, as she's "definitely team Kotori" (the brother.)

Kat eventually gets Morgan into it, but Morgan isn't the least bit interested in the "fandom" aspects, like head canons or introducing more recurring characters.

The show isn't really considered nerdy, but it's a popular one.

Feast of Legacies

This one is older in relevance to the current timeline, probably aired when my characters were kids and thus has more impact. (though probably not "age appropriate", kids still liked the fun outfits and action scenes) It was a dark fantasy show about a barbaric bounty hunter that was super campy and violent.

Future spin offs have since grew with the times or made things more serious, and those can be popular too. Ivar has even acted in one of the movies too, as a nod to his arena persona lol. Characters from the show come up a lot in halloween costumes and cosplays.

Morgan and Advik probably rewatch this one again as adults. "It still holds up, guys !"

•

I don't think space stories take up a lot of space (haha) in Evelow's culture, though there are some given that there are always going to be people fascinated by it, even if we don't know much !

They have a popular anthology show called "Planetary Politics" where each season involves a different planet and a story arc surrounding a different group of characters. The show can be experimental, with many seasons involving people in makeup and costumes, even a season fully animated (sorry they couldn't find any people who could successfully play the part of space jellyfish)

Advik and Ian used to watch this show together all the time, but since then Audrey has also taken a liking to it.

•

There's a good amount of horror movies roaming around Evelow, I'd say one of the biggest franchises is Tartar-us (Though the first movie that was released many years ago was called 'Under Deck')

It's campy, it's gory, and a staple in every horror enthusiast's library (except for the esteemed ones who think this franchise should have died a long time ago.)

here's Zack arguing to Ian it's the greatest movie of all time.

(though looking at this makes me realize that outer space play enough of a role in pop culture to be featured in spinoffs in movies such as the 'pirates' franchise for kids.)

•

I want to give my characters at least one more fantasy genre to have in their world, but I'll come up with more ideas later. I also feel like I've barely answered the original question ??? So I'll at least do that with my main cast

Audrey didn't grow up with movies unless they were brought over from other cities. Her town of Dile mostly had theatre and books. She liked heroes journeys, or stories with fantastical elements.

Advik loves both fantasy and sci fi. I'd say he likes fantasy more since he's much pickier about his sci fi. (He doesn't like stuff that tries to play it like it could happen in the world. I think HE'D be one of the few people really into space stuff.)

Katsumi likes more grounded stories. She doesn't care about world building if the character writing is bad. She loves style, but not if it's devoid of anything else. Also, if she has to see inaccurate costume design one more time, she swears...

Zack prefers sci fi over fantasy, since the former leaves room for potential horror elements. (since that's his actual favorite genre.)

Avery prefers fantasy over sci fi, since the stories tend to be more conventional and the costume designs are better. (She's much less picky than Kat in that department.)

"What's the difference, they're all movies" - Morgan. (She hates labeling things into genres.)

[roenters]

Thirteen reasons why is a cinematic masterpiece.

**SPOILERS BTW FOR THE ENDING OF THE SHOW AND STUFF SO BASICALLY IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED IT MAYBE DONT READ**

Thirteen reasons why is a show that knew exactly what it was doing. Sure, it might've taken me a couple years to get around to watching the last two episodes but I've crossed that line now and I think it's safe to say that I thoroughly love this show with my whole heart.

From the get to they do not shy away from harsh, cruel and upsetting topics that for many people: that is their life. The entire show is about all these devastating experiences and how the characters, how these kids/young adults will deal with the situation presented to them. They look at real responses, real issues. The events happen to the characters, the characters aren't just slotted in. There are real, damaging and lasting consequences. As we see in the finale, the horrific events of season one have continued to carry through the entire story. That central point of what started it all. And it was twisted into a good outcome.

The last episode contains Justin's death. I'll admit, I was having a full on breakdown. That shows you how well they get you emotionally connected to these characters. They make you feel as if they're real people because of how relatable they are and it's not the same sort of relatable as 'haha yeah they like the same things I do'. No. It's: they went through a severely traumatic thing and now they've got depression. They're currently dealing with events bigger than themselves and don't know how to cope. And the show explores that in a way that encapsulates the raw emotions people experience when these things happen. And yet, by the end, they'd managed to show the characters graduating. Living life. Surviving. And the end didn't leave you in tears. Instead you saw two friends connecting with each other again. Rekindling their love that had dimmed due to the events, unable to truly be free from the disasters that plagued their minds and emotions. They could just: be. With no worries that we're too big for them. Able to just be together.

It's unlike TV shows nowadays. There's nothing else really like it. Netflix did not cancel it after the first season (long live Dead Boy Detectives) and they most certainly didn't force the creators to shy away from the topics they wanted to involve. That's the nature of the show. It couldn't be done unless Netflix gave it the time and energy it deserved. The episodes are lengthy. The last episode is at least an hour and a half! But that's exactly the time it needed to take the audience through a fulfilling and satisfying ending. No stone unturned, no plotlines left unfinished. We don't see that a lot these days. They also didn't make it run on for too long - neatly wrapping it up and piecing their puzzle together until they had a full picture.

Additionally, I'd like to add a big part of the show is the amazing diversity they showcase and it is integral to how we percieve the characters. I'm not talking race, or sexuality, (although that is very diverse itself) I'm talking about the character's backgrounds. Some come from rich families, some come from poor families, some are close with their parents while others are pushed away and hurt by them. Things like a good security net and positive influences heavily impact a person and that is clearly shown in the show by making characters vastly different and using their backgrounds to show this. We also look at their own personal struggles and how they make characters individual, shaping them into who they are. How they find help, support or lackthereof and what they do as a result of that. It leaves us with a set of very well developed people who will each want to react differently to the situations presented in the show and many, many strong personalities. Each varying and unique.

I could not recommend this show enough. Of course, it's sad. That's because it's real and isn't scared of digging into the truth. But, at its core, you develop relationships to the characters on the screen, caring for them and relating as you watch them tackle the story one step at a time. They become a flurry of emotion and love and hate and actions and impulse and connections and thought and beliefs. They become people. And I think that is a very special thing.

(However, I will admit I didn't really like Ani in season three but- I digress.)

[fiercynn]

perspectives on แผลเก่า | plae kao, aka kwan riam or the scar: a summary of analyses in english

so while working on my bad buddy fake dating fic traffic was slow for the crash years, i got interested in learning more about the play that the architecture students put on in pat and pran’s second year: แผลเก่า | plae kao (alternately romanized as “phlae kao” or “plae gow”, and translated into english as “the scar”, “the old scar”, “the old wound”, or “kwan riam”).

i tried to find out as much as i could about the story, and somewhere along the way it stopped being about fic research and more just about my own interest in film – especially when i started reading analyses of two of the film adaptations of the story, and, in particular, the role that the 1977 film adaptation had in thai cinema and history. there's a lot out there about the impact the film had domestically in fostering thai nationalism, and also in presenting a specific view of thailand to international audiences. so i thought i would share what i found for other english-speakers who are curious but, like me, don’t speak thai!

caveat that i've obviously missed the vast majority of analysis on the films from scholars and writers writing in thai, and my sources are overly-reliant on non-thai authors (i believe two out of the six analyses i read are by non-thai authors).

there have been many adaptations of the story, but i've included only the ones for which i could find substantial information in english.

ORIGINAL 1936 NOVEL written by mai muengderm; i unfortunately could not find much in english about the novel.

1977 FILM directed by cherd (also romanized as choed) songsri and starring nantana ngaograjang as riam and “ek” sorapong chatree as kwan, this is the classic version of the story that most people seem familiar with. the film set the record at the time for the highest-grossing thai film and was one of the first thai films to win a major international award. you can read a synopsis of the film on its wikipedia page and watch the trailer with english subtitles, plus you can read about the film’s restoration when it was rereleased in thai theatres in 2018.

it seems fairly well-established by critics that director cherd songsri’s intent in making แผลเก่า | plae kao was to cement an idea of “thainess” that was based in certain characteristics (folk-derived, agrarian) and values (traditional, buddhist, anti-communist, and anti-westernization), and that the film was promoting this image both to thai citizens and to international audiences as an expression of thai nationalism in the late 1970s (which was operating under authoritarian regime). he said this about his intent:

“when i produced แผลเก่า | plae kao, i used the slogan 'we must show thai traditional style to the world.' this produced a great deal of negative sentiment towards the picture, because some people believe that this is not a topic to be shown on film. i am a stubborn person though, and once i set my mind to including this in my films, well it's been in every film I have ever made. the press is always asking me when i will make a contemporary film, but now, no one is asking.”

beyond that, i found a lot of interesting examinations of both the film itself and the larger context it existed in within thai cinema:

"the pastoral romance returns": a 2018 review of the restored film by kong rithdee for bangkok post that discusses cherd’s intent and posits that the film’s popularity with thai audiences came from a nostalgia for a “simpler” past during a time of political turmoil in the 1970s.

"thai cinema since 1970": a 2001 article by anchalee chaiworaporn for film in south east asia: views from the region that characterizes critique of แผลเก่า | plae kao:

“some thai critics see cherd as promoting just the image of thailand that foreigners want to see – an exotic traditional eastern society. but to be fair, it must be said that cherd himself would see his repeated attempts to create a sense of traditional, often rural, pre-modern thailand, as an important work of cultural resistance, an attempt to delineate the thai personality and its basis in rural life and rural traditions, and to examine the importance of buddhism as not only a religion but as an element significantly shaping thai character” (p. 153).

"cold fire: gender, development, and the film industry in cold war thailand": an unpublished 2017 phd dissertation by rebecca townsend (who, i should note, is american and does not appear to be of thai or southeast asian origin herself) for cornell university, which goes further in critiquing แผลเก่า | plae kao, using the lenses of gender and nationalism. the dissertation looks at how thai cinema functioned during the cold war era as a nationalistic tool of thailand’s monarchy and authoritarian governments, as well as of u.s. influence. films like แผลเก่า | plae kao, townsend argues, were used to construct the image of an “ideal thai woman” who was passive, virtuous, traditional, and apolitical – quite in contrast to actual thai women of the time – and this “ideal thai woman” was seen as the bearer of thai authenticity and essential to the national cultural identity and national security during the cold war. riam, in townsend’s analysis, represents the tension in thailand in the 1970s between romanticized nostalgia for a rural, traditional thai heritage and the reality of development, urbanization, and the threat of westernization.

"phantom light: to save and project": a 2020 piece by imogen sara smith for film comment that discusses films shown at a series on lost film hosted by the museum of modern art in new york city, including แผลเก่า | plae kao. interestingly, this piece notes that the film includes a subplot of where a visiting theater company performs a stylized melodrama that echoes the larger story, which i found fascinating given plae kao’s role as a story within a story in bad buddy. so many layers!

2014 FILM directed by m.l. pundhevanop dhewakul and starring “new” chaiyaphol poupart as kwan and “mai” davika hoorne as riam. you can read a summary and watch the trailer with english subtitles. some analyses of this version:

"the romanticization of scars": a 2014 film review by kong rithdee (who also wrote the first piece on the 1977 version linked above) for bangkok post, which compares this production to the 1977 version and finds it lacking, largely because the context in which it was made has a “psychological distance” from the source. kong alleges that the film is “hyper-romanticized”, both in acting and post-production, and hypothesizes that this approach was deemed necessary to reach modern audiences.

"a love idealized and its scars revisited in ‘plae kao’": a 2014 film review by prae sakaowan for coconuts bangkok that has a different take, praising the production for its “vintage appeal” and its “irrational, full-hearted embrace of romantic love”, focusing less on how the film functions socially.

2018 AMATEUR STAGE VERSION not analysis actually, but a half-hour video of a (possibly student? i couldn’t find much information about who put it on) stage version. unfortunately ot does not have english subtitles, but i still enjoyed watching it! there are some elements of it that have been treated ahistorically, as dramatic interpretations of older stories often do, and the scenes of kwan and riam helped me understand their dynamic better.

so that’s what i've learned! definitely curious if others have thoughts, or know more about the story or any of the adaptations.

also yes i did read the entirey of a 283 page dissertation to learn more about this asldkjfldsjfls

[lettersxnotes]

list eight shows for your followers to get to know you! thank u for tagging me lovely juliaaaaa @raplinenthusiasts 🥰 will be adding comments hence 'read more' cut incoming!

BREAKING BAD (2008-2013) / BETTER CALL SAUL (2015-2022): i'm nOT TRYING TO CHEAT with the first entry but brba literally changed my life. (met one of my best friends EVER through that show for instance!!) and later on bcs somehow managed to flip that blueprint while being in the same universe of the original show. vince gilligan and peter gould created masterful, succulent narratives that don't simply hold up upon rewatch too - they get better and better the more details you glean between the frames.

THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE (2018): mike flanagan projects hit different for me, but none more so than hill house. it is an adaptation in every sense of the word (you'll get a different yet equally fulfilling experience reading the shirley jackson source material) but the differences lead us to a heartbreaking story that is unflinchingly real. it really showcases that "horror" isn't confined to certain genre conventions. rather, it thematically threads through every facet of life. accepting that and coming to terms with what scares us most can provide the healing we need.

MARVEL'S DAREDEVIL (2015-2018): i admit to being a sucker for the ~gritty superhero aesthetic. also found families. then the melodrama of losing/regaining them. go ahead and emotionally scar me with erstwhile religious guilt and it scratches a narrative itch i love to indulge in.

THE NEWSROOM (2012-2014): on the flip side, aaron sorkin bombast - all the heartrending swell that comes with it - is also wildly entertaining to me. this series in particular came out when i was toying with the idea of being a broadcast journalist myself (went to school for it and everything) and it was fascinating to hinge some of my hopes of what newsrooms could be. this show has one of my favorite pilots ever.

SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS (2018-2019): the only good thing facebook watch ever did and they went ahead and canceled it... this underrated rumination on what it means to move on after a loved one's death once again falls into the Too Real™ category. it's heavy so i will provide fair warning before recommending it to anyone. but if like me you garner comfort from seeing hard topics depicted in fictional form, you'll understand why i wanted, more than anything, for this show to continue til a satisfying close.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA (2005-present): my white idiots. that is all.

THE OA (2016-2019): this was too ahead of its time which pisses me off to no end because MORE PEOPLE NEEDED TO APPRECIATE BRIT AND ZAL'S ARTISTRY. their commitment to testing the boundaries of our beliefs and understanding about humanity as a whole is unrivaled. through sci-fi/fantasy tropes they encourage us to be there and care for each other despite unanswerable questions. there are things we simply cannot know about the power of human connection, and that's okay. love anyway.

LODGE 49 (2018-2019): these two years in particular seems to have provided me with the best, most impactful television and i am not complaining. everything i love surrounds death and how to deal with it. moreover, in the case of lodge 49, we're expressly told again and again that being where we are is enough. despite living in the shadow of sorrow and loss, we deserve tranquility and acceptance just as we are. aaand now i just convinced myself to do a rewatch.

tagging @satellitemp4 @tbelchers @cordiallyfuturedwight @captainbobbiedraper @garethsedwards @girlpash @ellargent @betharmon 🤍

[eastgaysian]

Hey, I wasn't sure if I should say so or not in case it would be upsetting to you, but since you brought up the idea of a survey I thought I'd say that I have lost a parent & like you the current season of Succession has had a cathartic effect on me. I've also seen one person on twt say that's the case for them too, so I'm willing to bet a lot of ppl who've lost a parent feels similarly and like... Regardless of if it's a "good" season or not, I think media that helps me process my grief is a positive thing, it has value, or what have you. Obv it's fine for ppl to dislike the season, & ofc I don't wish others could exp that kind of loss, but like 🤷🏻‍♀️ sometimes things don't resonate with you until you've experienced smth, & sometimes that happens when you're 0-10, sometimes when you're 50-60

yeah, i started noticing a gap in reactions after connor's wedding between people saying 'that felt far too much like my own experience with a parent/family member dying' and people who acknowledged the skillful execution of the episode but didn't seem to personally connect to it (which generated a couple takes on logan's death and the perceived indignity of it that rubbed me the wrong way, lol). on the one hand my continued posting about the Discourse is because it's aggravating to me, like why is the hot topic of fan discussion 'is the show we're all watching even good?' ??? but on the other, it's genuinely just confusing to me and i'm trying to understand what i'm missing. the minor criticisms that people have cited as the root cause of their dissatisfaction don't add up to me. they feel much more like things that are only noticeable/irritating if you already have some fundamental issue or disconnect with the season.

and i think it really is that this is a season about grief and only about grief, there's no space for anything else. the emotional arcs in other seasons were usually related but distinct - you could focus in on what you liked in particular, whether that was kendall's mental breakdown, roman's freudian mess, shiv's struggle to be taken seriously as a woman, shiv and tom's failmarriage, tom and greg's weirdness, and there'd be enough material for you to chew on and have a good time without worrying all that much about everything else (although i do think being able to understand how all of these connect improves your experience of the show immensely, but i digress).

s4 is about grief. everyone is reacting to logan's death in different ways, but it all comes back to grief. if you're interested in talking about grief, there's so much to explore. if you don't find that engaging, then you're out of luck. it's fine to not find that engaging because you wanted something else out of the season/show, but that doesn't make the season objectively bad or subject to flaws that weren't already present throughout the rest of the show. and yeah, based on my reaction and the reactions of other people i've seen who have that personal experience with death, i think it's a really spectacular depiction of loss and grief that handles all the complex emotions involved with more thought and care than i've seen in other media. it would not be as accurate or impactful a depiction of grief if time and space was spent on something completely unrelated.

i don't think you need to have lost a close family member to connect to the storyline, but i also don't think you can understand what it's like until it happens in your own life. it fucked me up badly when my aunt died in middle school because she had been a major part of my childhood, but the degree to which my dad dying fundamentally altered my life is just incomparable to anything else. you really cannot experience grief as a concept or thought experiment, a person's death is real and permanent in a way nothing else really is. which sounds obvious but it's just true