#but also it felt real and deserved
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killer being like "yeah i know every single little thing about horror and dust" (because he watches them as a part time hobby (freak) (find something better to do)) and then he acts surprised when they do something that he wouldnt expect them to do in his little predetermined absolutely perfect concept of them
like what do you MEAN horror licks spoons clean when he's using them so he doesn't have to get a completely different one for the main course and the dessert. what do you MEAN dust has a lisp even though he speaks fluently and uses even more complex words than killer himself. horror knows how to sew and he often patches up their things without either of them noticing?? dust always wears oversized and clothes that cover him up just because he finds it comfy?? what??? out ra geous???? these guys have small little quirks to them that killer doesn't already know about???? killer immediately wants to know more. so he can expand his internal profile of them of course. not for any other more endearing and sweet reason. not at all,,,,,,,, (:3)
#AASHSHAHHHHH this one is so cute....... this thought. thank you brain for making this thought#it's like killer's experiencing sonder (except he's not aware of his own complexity of life because of his own derealization/personalizatio#actually i dont think this deserves to be a side blog post. this is too damn CUTE#at first the 2 were probably weirded out by killer watching them and now they probably dgaf...... killer comments less than youd expect#but now theyre used to his shit so they do all these tiny things that killer gets to pick up on and learn more about them#its so interesting...... killer can do as much reasoning as he can to try and find a logical reason for why they do these little things#but in the end if the real reason is just because they wanted to or they felt like it then how can killer comprehend that?#how can they just do that so easily and choose to do things based off a whim instead of having a calculated precise reason for personal gai#he wouldnt realize it on his own but noticing those little things coming fron horror and dust who used to be like him could help with the#everything is just a game and i am simply an avatar and the ultimate goal is the win aka be the most powerful#for dust and horror theyve already turned their consoles off. theyre out of their games theyve finished. their goal was just to beat it#(like if horrortale finally got the good ending it deserves because of aliza horror would have finished#if dust beat the player and due to extreme boredom (ITS GOTTA BE EXTREME EXTREME) decides to leave to explore the multiverse)#in killer's eyes theyve achieved their goals. but killer's still playing his game. maybe he IS the game. but eitherway he's not done#like they r. so taking into consideration how other versions of himself act when theyre finished with the game could he act like that 2??#did HE also finish his game and he never realized it? should he be basing these ideas off dust and horror when theyre kinda not the same gu#killer would find so many hoops to jump through to justify getting rid of the everything is a competitive game idea but there would be smth#IDK im just rambling. i gawt this idea from me imagining them fight. ya you wouldnt believe this sweet thing came from trio abuse :3#killer psychoanalyzing dust and horror is one of my favorite things eva. horror would HATE IT (if he were aware#and dust would totally be freaked out and keep to himself incase killer's planning anything against him#but uaaaghhh pretend this isnt canon this is triglycercule's ideal little world where they explore the mv and have fun#killer watching dust and horror sleep because he doesnt feel tired while theyre all in bed#and he's just picking up on how theyre positioned. how they breathe. the little things.......... djdjshahahaaahsushdjwbdsn ssosooooo cuuut#tricule hc#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#dare i say mtt poly. ok i dare say it. but like lowkey he'd do this whether theyre together or not...... killers just weird like that......
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Here's part two of drawing my family pictures as the Bad Batch because I can and you can't stop me
#i can tell you right now that drawing their armor was a fucking pain in the ass#and the l e g s jesus fucking christ#why do i have to care about anatomy#don't ask where crosshair and wrecker's legs are btw i wouldn't know#fun fact the original picture is from our summer vacation to Italy back in 2018#tech is me in this picture actually real and true#another fun fact#omega's eyebrows were blonde until the very last minute because i felt like they looked kinda odd#and she does actually have dark eyebrows in the show so--#i don't know if they look any better now but ehh good enough#hunter looks so wrong for some reason but i can't fix him i'm sorry#also yes they're all in their blacks because a) i couldn't be bothered to draw all the armor again and b) they deserve the comfort#i might do proper shadings if i find the motivation for this but until then this is what you're getting#the bad batch#bad batch#tbb#the bad batch fanart#bad batch fanart#tbb fanart#hunter#omega#crosshair#wrecker#echo#tech#the clone wars#star wars#star wars fanart#art#my art
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cressida's storyline was genuinely shameful tbhhh it's like they started rewriting it in the first half of the season then completely forgot about the changes they'd made to make it fit the book plot and it just ends up making everyone else look bad😐 every character in the second half got a "penelope did nothing wrong" lobotomy so we ended up with eloise completely ignoring cressida being sold off to an horrible man (when she made every effort to support her in the first half of the season) and for some reason resenting her for pretending to be lady whistledown? Then they somehow frame her ignoring colin's offensively bad pleas as it being her turning away from redemption when all she's trying to do is escape being trapped in the country with her likely abusive aunt... and it ends with her meeting her horrible fate and it still being framed as tragic only to immediately juxtapose it with the bridgerton family winning the idgaf war while gleefully seeing off francesca and her future dead husband. The bridgertons were the villains of the season frfr
#bridgerton#almost as bad as marina's plot in season one. every horrible decision in this show revolves around penelope meeting no consequences ever#this is not an anti post or anything idc about the fandom ill forget about this show tomorrow but i need to get this off my chest#they had to give penelope a fairy tale ending WHICH IS FINE but they somehow did it by surgically removing everyone's personality#INCLUDING HERS#benedict's bi storyline was bad also im sorry. paul literally has like 4 lines of dialogue and he was really cool#i love tilley but she should have been cut😭 if they wanted to establish he was bi (given we know theyre not genderbending sophie)#they should have made the whole subplot about him being attracted to a man instead of a 5 minute footnote in the last episode#i liked francesca and her husband whose name idr but it felt like they were framing it as him not being her 'great love'#considering what happens to him i fjnd it childish and meanspirited soul mates aren't real and he deserves a lttl respect considering.. lmao#what else. the dialogues were horrible. especially the ones between penelope and colin in the second part im sorry#they need to fire the make up and hair department. every reference to queen charlotte felt like a wahh pls watch my show ad#i miss anthony they should change the books to make him the villain of every season bb please come back to ruin your sibilings relationships#portia and philippa were peak as always. violet deserves her own season. we need to put eloise out of her misery pls leave her in scotland#rant overrr#publishing it on my sideblog actually i feel like im gonna lose followers just for having watched this show lmaoo
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y'know what we don't talk about enough? Hazel died. We talk about how she grew up in the 30's and 40's and we talk about how out of place she feels in the modern world, but! She died! She was dead! She has spent more time dead than alive, and not by a close margin!
How does that effect a person??? We got some of it in the flashbacks, but once those caught up with her present timeline and she shared them, they just kind of... disappeared. And she was a regular girl with some weird past experiences. That's one way of doing it, sure!
I think it would have been a lot cooler if she was just a touch creepier. If she felt a little bit Wrong. Yeah, in general she's more approachable than her brother, she's more sociable and less closed off, but. If you actually spend any time with her, it can be difficult to tell which child of the underworld is actually more unsettling.
Hazel is bright of personality and has a dazzling smile, but sometimes she'll just... shut down. She'll go completely blank for like half an hour and nobody knows what to do with it. Sometimes she forgets she's alive. Sometimes she'll spout the grimmest shit you've ever heard like it's nothing, she won't even notice it's weird until the room goes quiet. She spent decades in Asphodel, which is designed to make people forget about themselves and wander around for eternity, only she didn't have the luxury of forgetting! Wild! After she comes back to life, sometimes she forgets that she's allowed to Do Stuff now. She can spend so long sitting and staring at nothing. Sometimes she'll start crying on cloudless days because it hits her again that she can actually feel the warmth of the sun on her skin and she can hear birdsong. Every little mundane experience is a blessing and she will make you remember that in the most foreboding way possible.
#hazel levesque#hoo#mj talks#like. i am fascinated with characters who die and come back different and it JUST hit me that there was so much potential for hazel there#the idea of how death lingers was not explored At All in heroes of olympus#of course there's the obvious part in that there were what. 3 named character deaths total? 4 if you count leo#which i very much don't because it didn't stick! there were no consequences to this gigantic war!#the first series did well with that because we had plenty of named characters who died#even though some of them were introduced only to die like six chapters later. we still knew them on some level#and more importantly percy knew them. he felt their loss in a way that made consequences seem real#heroes of olympus didn't have any of that. hazel could have been a great way to talk about it a little more!#also i just love characters who have obviously gone through death. that has to change a person! tell me how it changed you!#anyway. i think i'll make hazel creepier from now on in my writing#she deserves it <3#nico is creepy in an obvious way. he's got power over death and that clings to him like a second skin. he can't hide it#and he's learned that he doesn't have to. there is power in being othered#hazel seems lovely when you first meet her! none of the death power all of the glitter and gold and riches#and then she'll look you dead in the eye and say 'you really don't know how lucky you are to be able to breathe until you can't anymore'#and move on like it's nothing! what!#underworld siblings
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"Untitled" (Liaison Amoureuse)
Lancelot/Merlin ● General Audiences ● WC: 100 ● No Warnings // Written for @merlinmicrofic 2024, for the prompt 'I'll Be There'.
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With none of this should they be so bold, only Merlin is treacherous in love. In broad midday, Lancelot hides them—badly—and kisses Merlin until he’s giddied with being known. He whispers,
“My chambers, tonight.”
The others don’t see; Lancelot slips the clasps of proper-reputation frequent as Merlin, defter than Gwaine. Forget secret courtship—for this alcove, Merlin would do magic worth a thousand pyres.
Lips on throat, thumb tracing cheek. Everything is tingling sweet like drinking fresh spring melt.
“I’ll be there,” Merlin snickers, and tips his head forward, muffling his joy and face-aching grin into Lancelot’s gambeson.
#Whoa look at me finally writing about something other than grief lmao! I'm gonna be so real‚ this was HARD 😭#The thing about Lancelot is that everyone thinks he's so proper and upstanding but LIKE#this is the guy who was down to do identity fraud like RIGHT AWAY#And then he was a cage fighter???#And he's also the one encouraging Merlin to do magic in the middle of a busy hallway LIKE.#Anyway I felt like I'd written enough angsty Mercelot so I should write about them actually getting to be in love#because they deserve it#Also I felt I needed to write something about Merlin loving Lancelot#because Lancelot is SO devoted to Merlin#but don't get me wrong: Merlin is also SMITTEN#merlin bbc#bbc merlin#merlin fanfic#merlin fanfiction#merlin fic#ynnealay#thefollow-spot#ynnealay's fic#merlin micro fic#merlin micro fic 2024#drabble#merlance#mercelot#lancelot#merlin/lancelot
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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"Rodimus is a better Prime because it didn't hurt for him to bond with the Matrix while for Optimus it did" headcanon/theory my beloathed.
One day I'm literally gonna snap and make a whole post addressing why what's wrong bc I'm tired of the inaccuracy and tired of ppl not understanding the Point TM of IDW and its version of the Matrix/Primacy and even more tired of people putting down Optimus in favor of Rodimus by essentially arguing that being unworthy means you deserve to be punished/put in pain bc you just weren't good enough to hold the Symbol of Ultimate Authority
#it's wrong on so many levels both in terms of lore and as well as like what the general themes of idw1 are#it's just a validation contest using the matrix as some magical symbol to decide who's the most special#which is ironically something that was a plot point in exrid/OP. specifically how stupid of an idea that is ldskjflksd#ppl revealing that they havent read anything besides mtmte/ll as usual#like half the reason ppl think optimus is a bad prime and rodimus is a good prime is literally bc like#optimus was written by an author who was specifically trying to deconstruct him (sometimes to the point of absurdity)#and rodimus was written by an author who takes a more optimistic/idealistic approach. and is also better at writing#but also like am i seriously the only person who thinks that that argument is fucked up?????#like 'OP felt pain which means he's unworthy/not a real prime/not a true leader'#ok so you think that there's a hierarchy of moral goodness in which anyone who falls short of that Moral Ideal should suffer#as a sign of their unworthiness?? like does that not sound dystopian as hell to any of you?? why would you WANT the matrix to work like tha#even if the theory were true (which it isn't) why would you view the matrix as a good authoritative moral judge of character#if its idea of 'moral judgement' is to inflict pain on anyone who's supposedly not truly good/worthy#wasn't the entire point of the ending of LL (including rodimus being a good leader) that everyone is worth it?#like rodimus literally said 'you ARE damn well good enough' or something like that#so what? everyone else in the universe tries their best and that's enough but somehow when OP suffers it's like#a sign that he's not actually a good prime/leader?? we're really going with the punitive perspective purely for One Guy??#swear to god ppl are projecting their authority issues onto Optimus the way they shit on him for things they would excuse#if any other character did it#Optimus is uniquely deserving of pain/being marked as unworthy bc idk he was a cop once and that offends my delicate sensibilities#what's even funnier is how much harm was inflicted by rodimus as a captain sheerly due to his stupidity or ego but everyone forgives him#i guess bc as long as the matrix likes him that means he's valid no matter what he actually does as a person#WHICH IS SOMETHING IDW ITSELF ARGUED AGAINST BC A LOT OF THE PRIMES THAT WERE CHOSEN BY THE MATRIX#WERE DICKS AND THE FACT THEY COULD WIELD THE MATRIX DIDN'T MAKE THEM GOOD PEOPLE#like oh my god stop using the matrix as an arbiter of moral authority in idw1 it literally goes against the themes of the story#including the themes that are embodied in rodimus himself#idw op love
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aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#brain is being weird again. i miss the person i thought you were before i found out how truly truly horrible you are#but that person doesn’t exist! i never met them because they aren’t real!#i just wanna meet my person yk. like yeah i don’t want to be in a relationship bc that sounds exhausting but also#it wouldn’t be exhausting if it was my person. i wanna know someone. i wanna learn how someone works.#i wanna take care of someone and be taken care of without asking.#and like the thing is is i definitely have my people in my friends like i already have them in this way#and i appreciate that so so much which is why i won’t settle for anything less ever again and why i’m no longer actively seeking something#but i really do just miss clicking that well with someone right off the bat. and i know most of it was probably 1) me being lied to and 2)#me trying to make myself palatable for him#but i haven’t felt that truly blatantly appreciated in a long time#i just wish that fate would work a little faster at putting my person into my lap is all#i’m not even gonna say that it doesn’t have to be The Person i’ll end up with and can just be One Of the people along the way#because now that feels like settling and if the universe doesn’t want me to settle then i won’t#and i’m not trying to be impatient because i know that it’ll happen when it’s supposed to and i can’t force anything#i just want it to happen so badly. i want to have my cute love story. i want to have it last longer than a week. in a good way this time.#and i know i vent a lot about this in my tags but this time feels different#i just want what is supposed to happen to happen. and i want to feel comforted knowing that it will.#i just need a sign that it’s gonna happen someday so i don’t lose my mind waiting for it#that i’m in the right place. and i’m right where i’m supposed to be#idk. i just know i don’t deserve to feel alone anymore. especially when i know i’m not.#this feels like a prayer. maybe it is. whatever.#mari is irrelevant
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.
#something i've been thinking about for a while now#is how much context matters in fandoms especially when talking about things like racism and other bigotry#the stuff i saw after 4x01 will stay with me forever#the way people were not only so mad at carlos but also how some of them went to other peoples' inboxes#people who weren't mad at him or hadn't decided his character had been ruined#and were basically like 'how can you still like him how can you support him after this'#'people supporting him and still caring about him just means he'll be able to continue avoiding and poor tk will just have to deal with it'#that part's been so hard to shake because that's not criticism#going to peoples' inboxes who still liked him and were giving him grace and asking how they could implying he didn't deserve it#if you felt he was ruined that's fine that's you but to go to other people who did not feel that way and be upset they didn't#as if a character of color being given grace and patience is a commonplace thing in fandom lol#as if people that look like carlos in the real world are regularly given grace (they're not)#it's not that some people weren't able to empathize with his decisions it's that they got angry at people who were able to.#because apparently he didn't deserve it.#and i've watched this sentiment grow stronger and stronger for almost two years and it is just.... i don't even know#when we talk about things like empathy and understanding in relation to carlos it is loaded#it does come from this#and i really think that's important to understand it's necessary context#peoples' strong feelings about this have not just sprung up out of nowhere#if you've been here since then you know how everything went down#i don't know. i think sometimes the urge to punish him feels really strong and i can't understand it#and it's hard to take particularly now because we know why he's struggling and we have all of the context#and yet. still.#idk what my point is i just need it to be known that nothing happening right now exists in a vacuum
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*stares wearily into the void*
I don't see it super often, but I see it enough to be very tired of "Well actually Astarion doesn't like polyamory, and you should feel bad for forcing him into a polyamorous relationship."
He is literally incredibly supportive in the dialogue to initiate a polyamorous relationship with Halsin. It is right there in the game. In fact, even Astarion's "break-up" dialogues when you initiate a romance with another origin character admit that he's normally okay with polyamorous relationships, his sticking point is the particular person he'd be sharing Tav with. This also further goes against the argument I've seen of "Well actually when he says he's okay with Halsin he's pretending because he's afraid of losing Tav". Astarion is more than willing to break up with Tav if he's not okay with what's going on with the relationship. Stop taking away this man's agency.
I shouldn't be surprised, though. Fandoms love to infantilize their "favorite little meow meow".
Seriously, just say you don't like polyamory. Just say it. It's fine. You're allowed to not like things. You really don't need to create some moral high ground.
I just wish people would just, you know, stop stripping characters of certain traits to fit that. If you don't like the idea of a polyamorous character, Gale, Lae'zel, and Wyll are all right there. Karlach's pretty much the only grey area, given that her response could definitely be taken in a "I'm not super comfortable with the arrangement, but I'm also not comfortable denying you either" way, which is honestly an interesting and nice little show of how messy polyamory can be.
But seriously, I swear, I am so tired of the "you're ucky wucky for doing the poly with Astarion and Halsin" take.
#haldie rants#I've seen a lot of yikes vibes in the Astarion fandom honestly#I've never felt the need to use the block button so much#until now#because YIKES#also honorable mention goes to the continuing pan/biphobic “discourse”#of “Astarion isn't for the women” or “women don't deserve him”#getting real tired of seeing various permutations of that take pop up too
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like that l.a. times article is rightfully being dragged through the mud so maybe my complaining is redundant. but i think if you wrote "maybe barbie would get a nomination if she survived a mass murder plot" you should never be allowed to write again
#the disrespect to not only lily gladstone (who deserves the win) but also more important to the real atrocity that kotfm portrays#like. belittling the actual violence that happened in real life against these women and the men in their community.#jesus fucking christ i have no words for you. over a movie about barbie dolls. you should lose all credibility forever.#avpost#also ill say it i think its stupid that ryan gosling felt the need to apologize for his nomination#when a woman in the same movie literally did get an equivalent nom in best supporting actress....#which is crazy bc idk that america ferrera did her best work in this movie but like good for her. does she not exist to barbie fans?#double also i cant believe theres this much nonsense over a movie that got EIGHT NOMINATIONS being 'snubbed'#and this is just the barbie discourse dont get me started on the discourse around other movies most of which is also stupid#god the consequences of a year where people start moving from big franchise schlock to Caring Abt Film. annoying discourse.#well anyway. theres more important things in the world im just so tired of oscar discourse and i had to rant a little bit.
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Letting Fe'gahl be a Thief for a while. Pawn enrichment
#dragon's dogma 2#dragon's dogma#dd2#arisen odessa#fe'gahl#its also the only melee class he's actually good at lmao#felt like he deserved to mess around for a bit since im back at the beginning of the game#i switched to playing as magick archer and imma be real. i fucking suck at it#its the one class i'm reluctant to play#ricochet hunter continues to be the funniest move it has tho
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vent-ish.. content warnings: system dormancy / trauma talk / tacomic & paco (mentioned)
note to self. apparently, alters can and will force themselves into dormancy if/when they feel too stressed about things. including alters who have important roles.
including the host.
i’m sorry, taco. i’m sorry you felt so unwanted by the world. that you felt like no one would ever accept you… you deserved to feel safe and comfortable. you shouldn’t have had to force yourself into dormancy because of what people have said about your source self— you aren’t her, even if you’re still source attached.
i know it was stressful to hear so many horrible things about you. to hear people call you an abuser, say you deserve to die, saying you shouldn’t be allowed to live a normal life, so much hate and pressure was pushed onto you… i know you were hurting. i know what terrifying things you remembered happening in your childhood and i feel so terrible for you. no child should ever be put through so much just to get blamed for their natural response to the trauma… you weren’t even 13 when your family was doing horrible horrible things to you. physically and mentally, it’s not a surprise you turned out how you did.
and i know you loved pickle. you loved mic, too. and you thought you could never find anyone who would accept you for that, but trust when i say there are so many people out there who support who you were.
you were from a world where everyone hated you and even in this world had to feel like that was the case… i know i’m saying this a lot but i really am sorry. i’m so, so, so sorry and i hope you come back soon.
because we’re falling apart without you in charge.
-marshmallow(⚪️)
#vent ish#but also not really#i just want her to come back#she was so stressed about the people who hate her#she felt unsafe#as if someone would yell at her simply for her source#she hardly even got to make any friends despite being the host#she thought this world and life would be a second chance#she knew people didnt like her and#assshe was so rtstrong at first#imnsorry taco#you deserved better than the trash you were forced to experience#in source and in real life you#younwere bput frough so much and you were never given the opportunity to prove#to prove yourself#traumagenic system#system#system vent#how do i cope with the host going dormant#no one in our system knows what to do now without her#do not invalidate our experiences as a system we can and will block you
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i really want to start making a table collecting statistics on the audience demographics i'll perform my aubrey material for (like what generation most of the audience is, whether i'm performing in a predominantly queer space, etc.) and how well the jokes land bc like. i need to collect more data points before i can properly present my findings but the results so far have been fascinating
#again i do not have enough performance experiences to make any definitive claims about who ''aubery's audience'' is#but i find it funny that any time i show my aubrey material one-on-one to a queer gen z person#they're always like ''i love it but straight people will definitely hate it or not get it''#and i get the inclination to be like. ''i like this thing so people like me will like this thing''#and cishet society seems so polarized w/r/t queer topics it's like. the assumption makes sense#however. whenever i've done an aubrey performance in front of an audience that's predominantly queer and gen z#i've actually received a primarily negative response!! and somehow straight people have never given me shit for my aubrey material#(''well straight allys don't count'' i told some of my aubrey jokes to a joe rogan dudebro and he enjoyed them)#(which yeah maybe could be a mark against my comedy but i like to think i opened his mind a bit at the very least)#i really want to test my aubrey monologues in front of a primarily gen x/boomer audience#bc so far i only have actual performance experience in front of gen z or millennials#and the older people i've told jokes to individually or shown videos of my stuff have really liked it#luckily paul has said a goal for when i'm in town this summer is to get me to perform my aubrey stuff in as many different places as possib#for both queer audiences and non-queer audiences so i can gauge reactions since i don't want to be confined to one demographic#so i'll get a lot of data points this summer#@ paul get me a performing slot at senior citizen pride lmao these are my people#(shoutout to paul going ''jess stop collecting the old homos!'' last time i was in town)#(and when i imitated him and was like ''old gay men are not your pokemon!'' bellini was like ''ok but they may be your audience'')#also one data point i really want to see the variation on is how my one specific joke plays in these different demographics#bc i have a joke that like. it's literally not even about AIDS and doesn't punch down at all#i literally say ''if you're gay and over the age of 50 you could violate the geneva convention and i'd still be like support our troops''#like obviously being like ''you have been through hell so i will let you get away with literal war crimes you deserve ultimate immunity''#BUT. in the line right before the quote i use the phrase ''AIDS generation'' not as a derogatory term but being like.#this horrible thing impacted the entire generation y'know? and bellini and scott and their friends call themselves that it's just the term#but when i said the phrase ''AIDS generation'' in front of my gen z audience i heard gasps and felt like they all hated me#and when i did the same line in front of millennials it wasn't quite as striking but their eyes did widen#like i was suddenly an ''edgy comedian''. but like this is a part of our history and it does inform the story i'm telling#the story i'm telling is comedic but it's grounded in this real world context#and i'm like. @ the audience who was offended: when was the last time any of y'all spoke to a gay man over the age of 50#bc bellini loves that section of the monologue and was offended that people would even take offense to that phrase
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i wanna go home i wanna be with yoomiee
#im rlly sleepy and just thinking#theres nowhere thats ever rlly felt like ''home'' to me even the house i lived in for the first 18 years of my life even the one i do now#ig bc in both of them and in any other place ive been i was never rlly a priority i was just.someone existing there#ive never rlly been anyones Equal.may be an inferiority complex but it feels like sinking and ive never known what its like to not feel it#i just feel the inherent knowledge that im below everyone else at all times idk#but i like to imagine me and yoomtah as Equal no matter what kinda actual enhancements she has as a cyborg we're on the same level#bc i think the only way i'll feel ''home'' is by being acknowledged as something that is Not inferior#as something that deserves a place to exist comfortably without feeling entirely alienated and lost#and i can kinda imagine what itd feel like when i envision her and i together#with the exact same love and respect for each other just being comfortable together feeling At Home with each other#its warm and comforting but it doesnt feel like much more than an idea bc ive never rlly had it for real#also im aware that irl me wouldnt be equal to her at all bc she can do Everything and iiiiiiii Cant do anything ever#but my si aka realer-than-irl me has cool magical girl powers and has killed for her multiple times so its fineeeeeeeeeee#i would be unstoppable if this vessel i was placed in could shoot heart shaped lasers but alas#does any of this even make any sense jm rlly tired and just rambling abt yoomtah As usual#i want to go home i want her to take me home
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i'm so normal about these two,, pls believe me.
#⸢ general ⤑ ooc ⸥ deploy the clown nose.#tbd.#is padawan good?? idk i just wanted a hardback where they were around the same age.#i'll read it after shadow hunter and decide if it deserves the dedicated shelf.#anyway. obimaul is real.#they both told me.#also i cant explain the amount of insane i felt when i realised how much smaller the padawan book was to lockdown.#theyre trying to kill my aesthetic.
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