#but also i expect that they respect me enough to tell me if that's the case
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I have always thought that not only would Corlys have 100% backed her if she decided she wanted to fight for her claim, but probably already had plans in motion to support her in doing so even before the council had concluded. Probably even before it had commenced. Honestly, he very well could have started the planning the day he walked out of the Small Council when she was passed over for Baelon.
He’s not an idiot. The odds of her claim, or her son’s claim, being accepted over Viserys’s claim were relatively slim once it came down to the council instead of just a family matter. Even if she had been chosen, the odds that some Lords might take issue with the idea of swearing loyalty to a Queen who threatened to undermine their own claims to their seats/future succession lines by her very existence were never zero. Either way, there’s a very real hypothetical future war there that will take some careful maneuvering, because they do have ships and a dragon and loyal banners to help support the claim, but so does most any other hypothetical faction in that conflict. It would be stupid not to plan accordingly.
That war probably wasn’t 100% hypothetical the night the verdict was read, in my opinion, particularly when there were such strong (and tbh easily offended/insulted) personalities like Corlys and her Baratheon kin supporting her. I don’t think it’s a matter of “Rhaenys could have fought for her claim, but decided not to and that shows her priorities and temperament vs. some of her kin’s priorities and temperament”. I think there was a moment where she walked into a room prepared to have to face pity and was met instead with a war table, with maps, with strategies, with men already planning her war for her and she had to say “no, I’m upset, but I’m not going to kill my cousins over this, I’m not going to burn the realm for this, I’m not going to endanger my own children over this, etc.”, and do so in a manner that forced them to listen to her over their pride.
For me, that’s also a lot more powerful. It’s not a simple “oh I care more about my family than I do my own power” or even an “I’m clever enough to know it wouldn’t be good for anyone to burn half our crops and kill half the houses in the kingdoms only ~100 years after the conquerors did it and rule over the ashes to spare my pride”. It’s a “I chose to wield my power, the same power that makes me qualified for the very throne I was just denied, not to take the throne, but to actively prevent others for taking it for me because I am intelligent and compassionate enough to know it won’t be worth it when the dust settles.”.
I think Viserys and Daemon know that, or at least that Rhaenys could very easily have gone to war over it. Daemon was raising an army of his own during the council to support Viserys, that’s not something you do if you aren’t expecting a fight after. Something tells me, if Rhaenys had to actively stop the war instead of just saying “not worth it, let’s go home” before the plans were made, they don’t know that. For Daemon in particular, it shows weakness on her part, it shows she never was meant to be on the throne BECAUSE she wouldn’t fight for it, it shows she is hampered by things like sentimentality that keep her from doing what she needs to do, and that shows in how he interacts with her years after. Viserys I think has a better sense of it, or at least is sentimental enough himself to respect and be grateful for what he sees as a choice to prioritize family over personal gain. That also clearly shows in how he views her and interacts with her.
Not to go full conspiracy theorist with this, but I think that there are elements of that hypothetical war in Rhaenyra’s real war. The blockade of the gullet at the very least is too immediate to have not been a hypothetical sitting out there that just needed the word to implement. I also think that her efforts (in the show at least) to try and circumvent the war show that Rhaenys knows this is very much just her war pushed back a few decades with the cast of players shuffled slightly and even more dragons in play to raise the stakes. Both philosophically (eldest daughter/daughter of the eldest son who was raised being told the throne would be hers one day vs. younger son/son of the younger son who is at the very least a bit reluctant or ill suited to the job but is still somewhat preferred by many for reasons utterly unrelated to job performance) and practically (Rhaenyra is surrounded by people who want this war, not necessarily because they believe in her or her claim, but because they think supporting her and winning it puts them in a better position than they could have joining the opposition whether that’s through existing ties of blood or marriage or just because they can get a higher position in the Black council than the Green one at this stage and hope to leverage it or else simply settle a score of their own through the war. Rhaenys absolutely was as well even if my head cannon is entirely bullshit).
Insisting on one final attempt at negotiation (because while there is no case to justify calling Rhaenyra going in person to King’s Landing to have a little chat with Alicent in the show a good choice, “hey, I know for a fact they aren’t all all in on the war, diplomacy isn’t weakness if it saves lives and gets results” absolutely is sound council and something Rhaenyra isn’t hearing from her other councilors) can be seen as more sentimentality, more weakness. Daemon certainly sees it as such at times. Coming from someone who only a few decades prior was in the exact same position and had to pull the realm back from the brink of war herself, it also reads as “Look, I know exactly how some of these strong personalities think, that so many of these people would be happy to wage war for their own pride and ambition through you and your younger brother, and it will be horrible and costly if you let them. I see your hesitation, I see hesitation in some of your opposition. Make sure it is worth it, that it is what YOU want, and that there isn’t another way forward, before you turn them loose. Don’t go to war just because Daemon wants to fight or because it seems like there is no other way forward with all these people whispering in your ear that it is inevitable and necessary.”
I think it’s easy to write Rhaenys off as “oh, she’s just the motherly voice of compassion and reason”, in part because that is very much what her family tends to do with her as well. And she is that, at times. It’s also easy to take some of her girlboss lines from the show and her temper from the book and turn her into some bitter and angry person who only joins Rhaenyra’s war to settle her own scores of lingering resentment. She can also be that at times. But I think, on a fundamental level, what she is, is aware. Aware of the people around her and what they assume about both her and each other, aware of the fact that nothing is ever so simple as a Rhaenyra vs Aegon conflict when there are too many other voices in the council rooms who all want something of their own, aware that it is all a game at the end of the day and that like all games, there are different ways to play it and different prizes to aim for instead of it needing to be entirely all or nothing. Whether that’s taking one look at Rhaenyra and saying “you don’t actually want a war, you are hurt and you want freedom” or at Daemon to say “really, he could do without the fancy chair and crown so long as he doesn’t have to kneel and submit himself before whoever does have them, which is probably why he’s so bad at actually being in charge of most anything without getting bored or annoyed”, or taking one look at both councils and recognizing that this is their war more than either claimant’s and that if that is true there might be another way out of it once again.
She listens more than she speaks, because she knows that all speaking accomplishes is giving your claimed allies and potential enemies leverage, and that people will give away a lot when they don’t see the person in the room with them as a potential threat, or indeed even see them at all. She preaches diplomacy over combat, not because she can’t fight when required, but because she knows what battles cost and that it’s not always worth it.
It’s easy to forget (particularly because it’s not even mentioned in the show), that the whole reason the council was necessary in the first place, was because her father was killed in a war when she herself was young and pregnant and her uncle was named heir in her place before dying himself, are you really expecting me to believe she didn’t take one look at Rhaenyra on Dragonstone, losing Visenya in her grief over her father, and have to take a moment to push down the complicated emotions that brought up? Her own grief for her father and the life she could have had had he lived, the grief of losing her own children, her frustration that once again a princess was being so easily cast aside and the bitterness that even if she repeats a million times over it doesn’t bother her anymore, it still does bother her, just a little bit, when the old wound is opened again in just the right way?
So when Rhaenyra finds herself surrounded by hotheaded lords all pushing her to raise armies and burn the realm for her throne, and Rhaenys watches as she loses another child to the war almost immediately, ignores her own grief to try and present something akin to the powerful front she thinks is expected of her only to find herself still struggling to be seen or heard by the very people who claim to be doing all of this for her, of course it’s personal. Even if her grandchildren weren’t caught up in all of it, if there wasn’t a risk that either faction saw a refusal to pick sides from her as a liability and tried to eliminate her as a potential third claimant, I think she’d have been on Dragonstone to at least advise Rhaenyra if not lend her practical support. At the end of the day, it’s still her war, even if it’s no longer her name being shouted in the battle cries, at least in her mind. If it is going to be fought this time, with so little personally left to lose, she’s determined to fight it herself.
You know had Rhaenys wanted to, she could have started a war over her own claim. Corlys would have 100% backed his wife and they do have a fleet and dragons etc. But the fact that she didn’t shows her fundamental character imo.
#you can’t tell me otherwise#this woman knew it wasn’t worth it until she’d already lost just about everything that had held her back the first time#the second it was just her and her dragon my girl went off#ladies don’t start fights but they’re happy to help end them#she walked into that room and Corlys was just like#“hi honey! Quick question: would you say you are in the mood to kill your cousins yourself or would you prefer I do that for you?#rhaenys the queen who never was#and definitely should have been#and almost certainly could have been#hotd rhaenys#rhaenys velaryon#corlys x rhaenys#corlys velaryon#that man’s love language is forcing people to kneel to his wife and you know she’s into it
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who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it
#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it#idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character#someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it#and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly#its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked#because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately#like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means#it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by#a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time#i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid#so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or#smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them#become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words#but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/#a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened#especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that#need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta#once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it#circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it#actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt#i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me#that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly#mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them#have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP#IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL#yapping
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Of my 2% capacity to be attracted to anyone, my type is like 90% women, 5% pretty men and 5% men you would swear are super fucking manly, and never questioned being straight and cis, but are now suddenly *stressed* that they can't figure out why their attraction to me [fully socially interpreted as a woman and labelled that way up until relatively recently] feels incredibly fucking gay
#you are a straight man correct? Yes. Attracted to someone you view as a woman correct? Yes... But you are afraid that makes you gay?#Afraid is a strong word but also stop asking stupid questions#The end result is I tend to date a lot of men who either then realize they are women or bi or gay and I am there when they are taking out#the messiest parts of that on whoever they are with at the time#and on one hand it means I created a space that made them feel safe enough to self examine#but on the other hand I'm their last stop when the fallout hits#OR they just realize they find the expectations put on them for masculinity to be really oppressive even negligent or abusive#I would say I need to adjust my strategy and stop trying to 'woo' men the same way I don't actually -flirt- with women#but I have already solved this problem by refusing to date ever again#The retrospective is funny though#The problem is I am attracted to men in a gay way and to women in a gay way but no one tells you the consequence of that and looking#like a pretty butch is that it really confuses the straight guys#Like why is this guy who's usually hmmm... as dom and masc as you would imagine suddenly in my lap and red and having entire feelings#about the way I am holding his hip? He doesn't knoww either and he's really pressed about it#And that thing messy lesbians do where they act jealous of you and also like they want to fuck you at the same time that looks like a red#flag from hell? Imagine dragging that out of unsuspecting straight guys -menTM-#They don't know why they are acting like that around me either but it's going to go one of two ways#either it will seem overtly threatening and aggressive to everyone involved including themselves or they'll have enough social sense#and tact to be playful about it but still not be sure if they are flirting or whether they like me at all#I have patience for one of those and unfortunately[?] it's the guy who's in my lap looks like he's being tortured and can't find his footin#not the guy telling me how much he's going to beat my ass at some game and I am going to like it or some macho bullshit#And I will be oblivious for the first 50% of it#because if there are gods they are cruel#He never realized he's actually the little spoon be nice and give him a minute#He can't tell me he likes me if he doesn't know he likes me but I opened a jar for him and asked him about his feelings and now he's warm#I actually ended up never dating many women at all because of weird lesbian mixed signals and things#At least not while they were women#I don't flirt or make friends I just decide that people are mine and start taking care of them [while respecting their autonomy and shit]#and I am starting to think this is how I make problems for myself#yes I am playing 5-d chess with gender and am now a he/they but it is not what it is cracked up to be
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oh lol i forgot to post this robit sketches! because i have one (1) bit and im sure as hell gonna commit to it apparently
#rolling with difficulty#art I made#'shut your up' is a verbatim quote from an ex classmate i just thought it was funny#i dont think it was intentional i think he was just so angry that Words Failed on him#anyway im absolutely not keeping that maxim design. god i fucking hate clothing design *so* much#austin: 'hes a gold plated mechanite dressed in blue and grey robes' me trying to figure out colour placement: 'what FUCK'#i had one (1) good idea and that was 'skeleton shaped robit' and every other part of that design went to hell apparently#bc all the other mechanites we've had were either like... flesh..? shaped?? like that sorta silhouette (basically most of the old crew)#or more mechanical/geometric (vr-la's designs and like.. k-lb? i guess? if that counts)#so. therefore. bone shaped mechanite. also if i was gonna try that concept on anyone it may as well be maxim if you think about it#idk i thought it would be interesting. and also undertale was my first fandom so uh#ANYWAY. MOVING ON FROM THAT THOUGHT.#this started as a 2am intrusive thought of like#'we (artists in the discord) keep joking abt how k-lb would be a nightmare to draw but like.. how hard is it really'#anyway as you can probably expect. famous last words#i mean genuinely mad respect to noir but i think i said to one of my friends when i showed them this sketch#'i mean this in the nicest way possible but you can just tell he was designed for an audio only storytelling format' LMAO#if anyone is unwise enough to attempt this (so basically @ my future self lmao)#do the lineart and colouring for the wires in front of the inner electricity skeleton (???) and the ones behind it on SEPARATE LAYERS#drew the wires all together then the electricity and had to painstakingly go over the electricity with an eraser it was a fucking nightmare
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We have reached the "over-analyzing innocuous interactions" part of the crush, everybody cheer!
A few weeks ago, they told me what they do for work, and I called it sexy in a way that could be interpreted as either flirting or friendly ribbing. (It was both, really.) Any time they've mentioned their job since, they've called it their sexy job, and we arrive at the bit that I'm over-analyzing: Are they flirting back or are they engaging with the friendly ribbing part????? Damn my compulsive plausible deniability! Damn it to hell!
#pedanticblah#dylan's stupid crush#this is the stage that always burns me of course#because i latch onto any little thing to be flirting#and convince myself the affection is mutual#and then it turns out i'm completely wrong#if it helps we were not talking one on one for either interaction#pro tip for anyone who wants to flirt with me: BE OBVIOUS#spell out your intentions clearly from the outset#i am how you say An Idiot about flirting#and will over analyze myself off a cliff#also i've become mildly paranoid that they actually ARE on tumblr#and are reading all of my embarrassing posts#and know i'm talking about them#but also i expect that they respect me enough to tell me if that's the case#so like. if it IS the case#please put me out of my misery#i promise i won't be weird if you don't feel the same way
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Shoutout to me and the one other person who actually adores Willow's breakdown in ftf but isn't a huntlow fan
#like everyone ik hates that scene or doesnt like it#and to that I say fair enough but you don't know them like I do dont let the straight bait aspect get to you this is actually so much for#Willow's character arc#the reason it had to be hunter is because he is the only person who has never seen her at a weak point#hunters serious treatment of her as his iron willed captain is huge for her#she's gotten what she's wanted she's been taken seriously and she earned Hunter’s respect fully on her own#when he had no qualms against being brutally honest with her#were it anyone else telling her she can let out her emotions just by themselves it wouldn't be enough#because to willow that sounds like you go back to the way things were before#also its like one of the few disabled hunter moments we get#Luz is the only other person besides the two of them who experienced this particular form of ableism#and Luz has a wholly different experience with it as a human#and a lot more going on rn#Willow getting that validation from the one source she wouldn't expect it and desperately needs it isnt about shipping to me#the shippers cant have this one#random rambles bc i refuse to argue with haters on discord they have the right to be haters i love u haters
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i have been working with kids for four years and i had to write my first ever note just now about a seventh grade boy being inappropriate towards me. i don't know what the hell this could possibly lead to or what. he was trying to feel my legs repeatedly to the point where i had to stop sitting next to him (and i was subbing for his one-to-one para!!!). he's got high support needs. in that kind of job, you're supposed to sit next to them all day and look over their work.
the teacher whose classroom this was happening in could also tell something was wrong. the whole class was acting kinda crazy because it was the day before school vacation week and there was another class coming in to share projects. so like, he was swamped with keeping order already. but we were sitting two feet away from his podium at the front of the room. the kid was giving him and me a hard time when he wouldn't take out his chromebook as he was instructed. and then when he did take out his chromebook, he immediately, for some reason, places it on my lap. he had been ogling my legs the whole time. he puts his computer ON MY LAP. and i'm just like, stunned, because what the hell? can you not keep it on your own lap, for some reason? i don't even know what to say, i just hold it a little above my lap while i'm thinking why on earth would this be happening? he would NOT do this to his regular para if she were here, would he? this can't be normal.
and the teacher sees this and within a minute places a stool in front of the kid for him to put his laptop on. and i'm like. oh ok. yeah. he notices exactly what's happening and that that's not appropriate. and then when the other class comes in to share projects he tells me "miss b——, you don't actually have to sit next to c—— this whole period if you don't want to." and he grabs me a chair for me to go sit with the other paras in the back opposite corner of the room. like he KNEW. and thank you mr. d—— for recognizing that because i was just kind of shocked and didn't know if i was overreacting in my head to all of this.
when there's a point in the class where the kids are discussing stuff, i privately mention what's happened to the para who's sitting closest to me. and she says that the thing about him calling me pretty is something he's been known to do, but the fact that he kept trying to touch my legs is new behavior. and that's a completely different class of behavior. i was telling him NO, don't do that, and he kept doing it. and the fact that he was calling me pretty repeatedly, even when i was giving him instructions that he wasn't taking. and this is the second to last class before the end of the day, so she says she'll take a walk with him before learning center and talk to him about it, and i'm grateful for that. she does. the kid apologizes to me as soon as i come into learning center. but like. WHAT the hell.
i'm STILL like what the hell. this is unfathomable to me. the other adults who i told about this or who witnessed it were supportive of me. but. what to do??? i wrote a long note to his regular para about this, because i knew she was going to hear about it at least from the first para i told. the second para i told about it after school had a kind of... i'm not gonna say enabling reaction, but i suppose since it had already been "taken care of" (or at least, he had been spoken to and apologized) she didn't really have much to add in the way of discipline. i told her what happened after school and she was just like... a little bit, laughing? like oh, yup, that dog. she at the very least confirmed he KNEW what he was doing, that that was not an accident. she said to me "i had a feeling he was going to develop a crush on you" (me and these other paras were together for most of the beginning of the day too). but it's like. it's not about that.
i have worked with children for FOUR years. children have had crushes on me before; i'm quite unfazed by it. boys from the ages of 5-to-15 have told me i'm so pretty before and asked me to marry them. i've never had them feeling up my legs before. i've never had them making me physically uncomfortable. it's NOT about this seventh grader having a crush on the pretty substitute. he is NOT unusual for that, at all. but i've never had a boy of any age or education level repeatedly touching my knees and thighs. THAT is problem behavior!!!
because what if i wasn't assertive enough with him to tell him to stop? what if i was a girl his age? worse, what if i was an adult who encouraged this behavior? i don't come to the middle school to be a seductress. i had no intention in putting on a pair of tights and a skirt this morning of being viewed as an attractive object, especially not by a pubescent boy. what if i did though? what if his interpretation of me wasn't so incorrect and offensive? what if i let him keep touching me inappropriately and saying flirtatious things to me? me, an adult in my mid-twenties, towards a middle school boy?
in no world would that be ok. if i had been feeling up and overly-complimenting a CHILD at my place of work, holy shit would there be reports about me. so a child acting that way could never be ok either. if it'd be firable for me to be reciprocating that action, then that action should not be happening to me. ever. and that child should never repeat that action again to any other adult again.
like i am simply not there to be treated as an attractive young woman. i put on a skirt that shows too much knee and get paired with a boy, though, and that's apparently just a natural consequence. hooo-ly shit. like i don't know what to do. first of all, the more time passes since this has happened, the more i am just unable to stop thinking about it. i wasn't "hurt" or too emotional in the moment but i'm just still processing it and it gets worse. i'm just more and more disgusted.
i don't know what i expect to come out of this, or the email i sent to his regular para. like, am i gonna have to attend a fucking meeting? what is the precedent that this sets for him? WHY do i feel BAD for him about this? well, because he's a child, of course. a child who has done wrong he may not be able to understand. but he knows WHAT he did. he just doesn't know WHY it was wrong.
and i couldn't even say something to him that was like, "well, how would you like it if i was touching you like this?" because young boys do not understand how inappropriate it'd be. i'm sure this kid thought he was gonna get away with what he was doing at the very least. but probably not unlikely he (being a child with no concept of how wrong it'd be) thought he could get some sort of "positive" attention for treating me like this. either way he was simply doing what he wanted to do, with no perspective of how it would make me feel or that it could be classified as harassment. teenage boys think it'd be awesome if the older attractive woman would reciprocate their affections. they're wrong. i, as the older attractive woman of his affection, cannot be the one to convince him of that, though.
i don't know. i don't know. like it's just so not ok. but if i didn't tell another adult about this, he would've gotten away with it. he would probably do it again. and him being in trouble for it is not the same as him understanding that it was wrong. unless someone has a REAL talk with him about inappropriate attention and consent, it's not unlikely that he'll just repeat the behavior in a setting where he thinks he won't be caught or told on. THAT'S the problem. me, i could just never have to be this boy's para again. in my email, i didn't say that i would never be ok working with or around him ever again. he already knows i didn't like it and i'm not afraid to tell on him; as far as that lesson applies to me, individually, i think he's become too ashamed to repeat that.
i don't know. i don't know. i very much expressed that i, i guess, "forgave" him in the email that i wrote. i clarified that i was writing it for the sake of having it on the record. i think that could potentially be very important for the purposes of preventing further similar or escalating behavior from him in the future. i don't want him to be in trouble. i don't think i will be blamed for this, especially not with how promptly i acted, although i don't know to what extent this will be framed as me thinking i'm a "victim." i'm not... i don't feel victimized. i feel disgusted. i feel afraid for the sake of what could happen to or with him in the future, if he thinks behavior like his towards me today is ok.
i feel like if i end up having to further respond to this, this will be made about me. in a way it kind of was. is? in the moment it was happening, it was certainly about me. because i was the one this boy was giving all this unwanted attention to. but to make the consequences of this about me and to involve me any further, i also don't want. because i said what i said already, i don't care if a student has a crush on me. this isn't about me being the pretty substitute. i'm the pretty substitute all the time, to tons of people. that's not really something i've been concerned about up until now.
but do i have to reexplain my personal embarrassment? that i was wearing a skirt? that he was ogling my legs? really? what more do i have to gain from sharing that, other than having the adults at my place of work confirm or deny me in their heads as the pretty substitute? i don't know. perhaps that's REALLY overthinking it. but i don't want to be the substitute that caused a problem for this special ed kid. i don't wanna be the reason that he can't be around me anymore, the person people think of when they're monitoring how he's acting around girls and young women. i DON'T want to be the one people think of when they think of his past misbehavior. i'm NOT here for that.
that's just fucking humiliating. and in this being a thing that could follow him, i have to be ogled and touched over and over again in people's minds for this to be taken seriously. but for this to be swept under the rug would be even worse, no? i don't know. i hate this. the principal is a nice guy; i wouldn't be surprised if he and/or people from the special ed department reached out to me sympathetically about this. but i don't wanna be reached out to. i don't wanna have ppl i work with tell me "sorry that kid was just so attracted to you he couldn't help himself" like come on. if the kid himself doesn't change then i don't really care to remember this incident. and no one reaching out to me and saying they've talked to this kid will actually prove to me he understands. this is the kind of inappropriate behavior it takes years for people to understand why it was wrong, especially a child who has no idea. i mean come on.
#tales from diana#long post#sorry i should probably put this under a read more but it was just a long stream of consciousness#and idk. im tired. im so tired#do you wanna be known as the substitute teacher a kid kept touching inappropriately? probably not#thank god for the first para i told bc she took it really seriously seemingly. i mean idk what she told him in their conversation#not EXACTLY what she told him. she obviously said this was wrong and she reiterated in learning center again#that if that were her daughter she'd be through the roof and that she'd be telling his regular para#i mean of course i had to tell the regular para directly. i would rather it come from my mouth#i'm the one who has the most information of how and why it happened. i think other ppl telling it would just reduce it to#'he thought she was so pretty and he kept staring at and touching her legs cuz she wore a skirt' like come on#the indignity of that!#i already feel undignified enough.#and also thank god for the social studies teacher. the more im processing this the more im like thank god#i dont know him well. he had already been a nice dude to me before in my interactions w him#like as a sub you notice the people who are really affirming of the strange and irregular work you do#earlier this week i was subbing for the math teacher across the hall for instance and he came in before class started and said#that if anyone's giving me a hard time to just send them to him. bc that group can be a little rowdy/wild#my classroom discipline skills are not that bad where i felt the need to have someone more experienced defend me so to speak#like i know i look young and am assumed to be new. but with most classes. i can handle most misbehavior#i can put my foot down in a way kids normally respect. i know how to keep em on task#and for MOST of the day with this kid that's what i was doing. but if that social studies teacher hadn't done what he did#i might not feel so bold in just straight up walking away from that kid. after saying stop stop stop repeatedly#like he had his own job to do independent of me but i remember the gestures and like. i could cry. he KNEWWWW#that's just a very trustworthy person i feel. he didn't want me to suffer through that any longer#a lot of teachers (unfortunately) largely ignore the kids with paras and/or expect the paras to communicate to the kid exclusively#that teacher is not like that. he was willing to mind that boy while i escaped that situation. so so grateful to him
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[crying screaming tearing my hair out]
youtube
me watching this video before dming: oh these are good tips. and i'm glad that i already do most of these! okay cool.
me watching this video after dming: [inconsolable, distraught, curled up in a ball on the floor, begging, pleading]
#after our boundaries and expectations talk that i forced again session before last there have been a couple improvement#more ppl are taking notes--they're asking me for how to spell NPCs' names! i love it!#i'm like thank you for the reminder! lemme put that in chat for y'all!#the two players i had most trouble pinning down before a session were GREAT this last time#lemme know when/if they might be there and responded quickly to my check in a week before the game#i'm v happy and grateful!#but we're still butting up against not paying attn.....not keeping tracking of shit...#not knowing anything abt the world their characters would know....not wanting to roleplay with each other...#i've literally implemented a MECHANIC SYSTEM from connie chang to basically ~force~ roleplay#they wanted an overarching campaign plot and to have their backstories involved#INCREDIBLY YOUR BACKSTORY ONLY COMES UP AND GETS INVOLVED IF YOU FUCKING TALK TO PEOPLE!!! NPCS AND PCS!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!#I WILL NOT AND CANNOT JUST HAND YOU IN PARTICULAR SOMETHING ON A PLATTER! THERE ARE SIX OF YOU!#PLEASE FUCKING ENGAGE I'M GOING TO PERISH!!!!!!#like i stg if i have to sit there and wait for mORE THAN ONE PLAYER to FIND/REMEMBER where THEIR OWN CHARACTER IS FROM#I'M GOING TO LOSE MY FUCKING MIND#if i have to hear oh yeah i skimmed it ANOTHER TIME I'M GOING TO LOSE IT#YOU ASKED FOR AN INVOLVED GAME AND WORLD!!!! FUCKING PLAY/ACT LIKE IT!!!!#also i'm sorry but fucking christ just TELLING me you respect my time & energy is not enough#i'd like you to fucking SHOW ME THAT YOU DO IN YOUR FUCKING ACTIONS. IN AND OUT OF THE GAME.
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I'm kinda pissed at my dad right now, like the kind that makes me want to go no contact. I have family in town, and apparently he told them about my new job. Which is something I consider to be a thing that is mine to tell. You know in person, at the family gathering. Because it's my news and not their business.
In fact I didn't tell him in the first place until it specifically became relevant, for scheduling purposes with their visit. And I didn't even tell him I was fired because I was still figuring out my emotions about that (Though he knows that now because I forgot how I told him, and told my sister the truth in front of him because she's kinda still in the circle of now former coworkers and I figure she probably would hear the truth anyway. And it was later and I processed it a lot better by then. Dunno if he passed that correction along to everyone.)
And this isn't the first time. When I moved out, my parents told everyone. They didn't give me a chance to tell everyone myself, and after that I told my parents I wished they'd let me tell everyone myself, because it's my news to tell, he basically said that if I wasn't going to tell them that he's going to. Because when they talk and make smalltalk on the phone and ask how I'm doing, it reflects poorly on him if he's not up to date on my life??? Bitch?? You know what's going to happen now? I'm not going to tell you shit! I already started dragging my feet on updating him on the next major life development because of this.
After extended family left today I talked more specifically about how I didn't like what he was doing, and he only doubled down. Essentially said it was his right to tell them things and that "they would be mad at [him] or [me] for hiding that" and like,
Neither of these events were secrets. They all knew I was looking for places to move out to. Some knew I was unhappy at my previous job. Isn't updates on that what they're supposed to ask me about directly? If they did I would have been honest, or at least tell them the amount I wanted them to know. I guess I'm hiding that shit now. God forbid I was sexually active and got pregnant.
Speaking of which I actually used that as an example today, asking him if he would have told everyone if I told him I was pregnant, and he said no, but "how would it look if you showed up to a gathering visibly 8½ months pregnant, or already with a kid and they didn't know" bitch??? Isn't letting the pregnant one release the news at their own pace one of those almost foundational societal rules of politeness???? So in the very slim chance that ever happens, I'm not telling you until I'm telling everyone, got it. I'm applying this principle to every other life development now too.
I also mentioned how stressed I am that it was just expected that they would want to visit my place while they're in town, and how judgy they are, and how I feel stressed to do a lot more cleaning in a short time than I would like, and surprisingly, it is the opposite of reassuring to hear that they will probably only judge me behind my back. Thanks, mom, for your contribution to the conversation.
I also mentioned I didn't like that he told the aunt I dislike who also knits, that I started knitting. "The conversation was about crafting-" I don't give a shit! I don't want to talk to her! I don't want to give her things to talk to me about! I have yet to actually finish a scarf because the ends are neverending and she is an accomplished knitter and also judgy as shit! That one was actually a secret kind of!!
And he doesn't Get It why I'm mad. I explained to him, twice now, very civilly, that I want to be the one to share my big news. But he insists that if I'm not immediately phoning everyone up to give big updates then he gets to. That it's embarrassing, it looks like he's hiding things or doesn't know what I'm up to.
So I guess I'm going to have to make that reality.
#Pire.txt#I'm tired#I still have cleaning to do before saturday#And there's somethings like dishes and trash that have to be done friday so they're spotless#Theres also not enough chairs for everyone so I hope they're not expecting me to be Hosting#And floors bc I get enough bugs they keep dieing or leaving shells in the middle of my kitchen floor and they will Absolutely judge that#You know it's so weird- Dad- that I told my DadFriendTM the day after I was fired but not you#Hmm let's have a thinky about why that might be#Could it be because he only has shown me support and never gone behind my back for anything?#And if I ask him to not tell others in the group he respects that?#Vent post
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Please do not send me asks for donations
Here's why:
I have NO money to give you
I'm not a popular enough blog that I will give you any reach
I am a minor, and most of my followers are too
It makes me feel extremely guilty
Seeing pictures of injuries or hospitals etc are triggering for me (which are in most intro posts for this sort of thing)
They are always worded in a way that makes me feel like I am a murderer if I don't donate
It makes me feel uncomfortable
I said I don't want them, and my boundaries should be respected
I can't tell what is a bot and what isn't
I get a lot of spam from this. It is disappointing to see 10 new asks in my inbox just to be the same ask for donations over and over
Please, just respect the fact that I have said this.
Edits, propaganda and facts below (probably for the best if you read them too)
Edit: To all the people reblogging this, I'm sorry you have had to deal with this too. And yes, you can put this in your pinned post! Stay safe <3
Edit 2: I am pro Palestine and want to do everything I can to help but I'm not financially or mentally well enough to do much. I'm not in support of these people dying. Also, this post isn't just about Palestine. It's about ALL asks for donations. I'm not doing favouritism or racism. I just can't deal with it. Don't harass me for expressing boundaries.
Edit 3: Yes, this post might seem controversial. But I did literally make this for my own personal experience and didn't expect it to get more than 12 notes or so. You can agree with this post, pin this post, reblog this post, I don't care really. But don't add opposing views because quite frankly, it's none of your business. It's not my problem and I didn't mean for this post to get so many notes. Edit 2 mostly covered what I'm trying to say here, but don't use the number of notes as an excuse to fight me. I just want a peaceful Tumblr experience. Also, if you are reblogging this, don't trauma dump. I keep notifications on for this post so that I can block people harassing me before shit escalates, so I can see every reblog. You can screenshot and repost if you want to talk about your problems, but honestly its no better seeing people saying "I'm bankrupt and I just got kicked out by my family. I also have a history of abuse and those images are so triggering that I want to die". That doesn't help me. Make your own post to say that. Please
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getting serious Fionna and Cake flashbacks from that Sozonius comic ngl
Introducing Follower gang!
There. Finally did all the Bishops follower designs!
The 7 deadly sins
And some other follower gang, done with lineart this time because the other 2 pieces made me lose my soul for how long they took.
(Also a small HC if I may: Dr. Sozonius is trapped inside the mushroom on Sozos head, while the actual mushroom is controlling his body)
+ some more doodles
Info about the 7 Sins and more doodles below:
Jeg represents Greed - he was one of the first of Lamb's followers. (At first, it was very difficult for Lambert to indoctrinate people, due to their inexperience, this guy was like the 5th or so) Jeg has...a very specific personality to say the least, yet the Lamb can't help but be fond of him. They eventually nominate him the Tax enforcer role and...That might've been the worst decision of their life. But they did not take the role away. Jeg acts smug 24/7 and relishes in his new power, but deep down, dudes pretty insecure, ( but don't tell anyone!) He used to have a huge crush on the lamb, but then Narinder and eventually the other bishops came, and since their leader was for some reason head over heels for the ex god of death, Jeg grew bitter and often got into fights with Nari, as well as charging him and his other siblings more than the average follower. Though he's mostly mellowed out since then.
Brash represents Gluttony They despise Helob, since they used to fight for "food" a lot, and eventually Brash got really injured and was found by the Lamb. She tried to eat them, but was quickly disarmed. Despite this, they decided to spare him and bring his sorry ass back to the cult to indoctrinate. They were very cunning and didn't trust the lamb either, but eventually they cooled off and accepted the new life. She still eats people tho, just not from the cult, otherwise jail or *worse*
Yara represents Pride She is one of the core followers. She's very strict and somewhat self-centered, she likes things done her way, or if not her way, the lambs way. Period. No one else can boss her around or even give a helpful advice. She's actually a pretty stand up deer, and despite being incredibly stubborn still makes a good friend. She gets along with most people though Brash annoys her, since he keeps snatching body parts off corpses. She has always been extremely devoted to the lamb and will be annoyed if any follower dissents and tries to preach against them. She wasn't surprised in the slightest when they eventually took down all the bishops.
Thorn represents Envy He had a pretty terrible life before the cult. When he was brought in, she was bitter about her newfound situation. He wasn't very trusting of the lamb and thought they expected something out of her (which technically they did, but it's just work). He envies the fools who are so oblivious and just do everything as they're told and let their lives be guided by some amateur god. Similar to the other two, he puts on a mask, He often acts overly saccharine to hide his true feelings, but doesn't have any bad intentions. (Most of the time) She does genuinely like some people, but others, he only pretends to like to appease the lamb or to blackmail them. He hates when the people he actually cares about are threatened.
Jermo represents Wrath Jermo absolutely does not trust anyone. Similar to Thorn, and most other followers tbh, their life was absolutely horrible prior to the cult. They trusted some people, they got betrayed, and almost died several times because of it. It was extremely difficult for the lamb to make them stop dissenting. They legit had to give them the loyalty necklace in order for them to finally stop dissenting. Jermo keeps getting into fights with other followers, because they feel as though everyone is always against them or is constantly judging them. (They're technically not wrong) They've died 5 times, because they keep getting into fights with other followers. Lamb strongly considered keeping them dead, but decided to challenge themself with them (also they're too cuddly to just be killed off) Despite their many, *many* flaws, Thorn has a huge crush on them, since he's one of the people who managed to see their soft side. Jermo, deep, deep, deep down actually cares a lot, but they've been hurt too much by everyone, so they retaliate for the same stuff to not repeat.
Herett represents Lust At some point, she passingly heard about the cult and since it seemed like a peaceful place from the rumors (and also had hot people in it) she eagerly joined in. She's usually in the kitchen area, if not hanging around the love tent or babysitting some kids. She crushes on almost everyone, but for some reason she hates Kallamar (legit in my actual game she rejected him so hard, despite having the lustful trait and not caring prior)
Mateo represents Sloth Is perhaps the 1st or 2nd of Lambs followers, so they're absolutely not letting go of him, dudes lived 4 long lives and is tired of it, he keeps switching jobs since with age he's been slacking off more. He's currently stuck as a janitor (he hates it) He's also one of the few people who managed to befriend Jermo, his mellow, don't care attitude is somewhat comforting to them. Aside that, he gets along with almost everyone, as best as he can at least.
Not much else to say about the gang in the third pic but Riley and Dannie are platonic bffs and were forced to babysit kids when the lamb was crusading. The lamb was a little incompetent here to give carnivores children to take care of, but thankfully they actually managed to be good with them and got used to being on nanny duty.
The capybara (Beige) is a retired teacher and adopted a little owlet to take care of (Chip)
While Femur is our below yellow cat, and that's my HC name for him. He's a gatherer here.
#Cotl#Cotl followers#Cult of the lamb#Rip kallamar lol#His self-esteem's shit enough as it is#Also so valid of Herett to be lustful towards literally every gender and type except sub cis men#And/or not having a tentacle kink#Can't exactly relate to all of that but I respect a woman who knows what she likes#Also I thought Yara was a cow at first too because I forgot that “meat cow” wasn't a variant#Which I thought would be funny because then we'd have a butcher cow and a cook cow#Also thought she'd be Envy because of it#Genuinely was not expecting the two-faced Thorn#Fanart would bang though I think#Lastly I relate to Jermo#For many reasons actually#Also the particular hatred for Shamura is extremely intriguing for me personally#Anyway I think this might be a sign that I might actually be they/them. I haven't been sure (AFAB) but I have been heavily considering it#... or I shouldn't be basing my gender off of someone else's interpretations of their fictional cult followers from a video game.#Finally I already like Femur a lot but that's mostly because of a character in a different video game who is my daughter#Do you ship him with Leshy?#And speaking of Leshy#How does he interact with Thorn as a coworker?#Something tells me the former God of Chaos and the sin of Envy would NOT get along#But only one of them would press the other on it#God this reminds me of me and my sister#I really hope you don't write a scene like this because I might start hating Thorn#Not genuinely but like. Because she'd respond to confrontation the same way two people in my life actually do#So... nothing wrong with that#But also that's practically incest-#IM SORRY IM SORRY I DIDNT MEAN IT IT WAS A JOKE
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#as today is valentine's day and i don't like it i did something absolutely terrifying yesterday#i told my friend who i have been crushing on since forever tbh that i like him#and he was shocked (as i expected)#because i'm really scared of losing people around me and especially him i never really showed any signs of the fact that i liked him#not more that a friend would#and he's also having a hard time with studies so i was 100% sure he would say he doesn't like me back#and i even said that i don't expect anything back i just wanted to tell him that because i can't keep this feelings to myself anymore#he didn't say he doesn't like me back#he said i took him by surprise#and that he doesn't have time for anything now not even himself and i can totally respect that#i did ask him to not look at me strangely because of what i said#and again he became his beautiful self and said he would never#it's a miracle i didn't cry honestly#but this whole thing is much more than i could ever ask and i'm just so happy i finally had the courage to tell him#okay enough tags enough ranting#personal
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the mortifying ordeal of being fully perceived.. . I still haven't figured out how to talk about it and I'm realizing more every day I'm still pretty fucked up over what happened to me when I was 15
#I start talking to myself trying to actually hear how the conversation will go#And I stop every time#I can tell it as a story but even after that I'm just stumped#Because I don't know how my not-boyfriend will react first of all#I just truly don't know what to expect. He'll probably be very sweet about it but I just. Don't. Know#And I also feel.... like... anthy himemiya understands exactly what I want to say#Like why would I let the world pierce me with a million swords of human hatred#And why would I stay with that person like she does with akio?#It's hatred *of myself*. I wanted to hurt myself and the other person by staying.#I just... what will he think about that?#Utena.... wait for me.#I really need to ponder on this line of thinking a little more#Now that I'm far enough in the tags like I have it so bad for this guy. I never thought I would feel in this way again#I never presumed to be allowed such an option#And I get terrified suddenly by how wrong it could go. One misunderstanding. One bad day.#I just calm myself down thinking ok. It could go wrong but it hasn't today and I'll be goddamned if I don't try and fix it first#I will always put in the most effort I can with him. It's hard to explain but we both deserve that respect at this point#Anyway here's wonderwall
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"transandrophobia isn't real bc men aren't oppressed for being men, only for other marginalizations they face"
okay well i am a brown disabled trans masc person and i'm telling you i DO experience oppression on the basic of being what ppl perceive as me "being a man."
what is it when Black men are treated like violent, scary criminals? it's racism, yes, but it's also a specific form of racism that applies especially to Black MEN.
what is it when Indigenous men are expected to be "noble s*vages" in a way that is distinct from the way Indigenous women and nonbinary ppl are categorized?
what is it when disabled men are explicitly harmed for being weak or "not real men?" what is it called? is it JUST ableism? if so, why does gender continuously play a part in the harm?
what is it when trans men are assaulted or killed for not being "man enough?" what do we get to call transphobia that we, specifically, face for being masculine?
what about my fellow Black and brown trans dudes who hesitated to transition for fear of being fucking killed by cops? or are they just imagining it too?
why is it that when WE acknowledge our pain and oppression, we're suddenly just men and apparently aren't smart enough to know our own experiences? why do you get to tell me these things aren't real?
y'all will really talk about how patriarchy hurts everyone and then turn around and tell afab ppl whose genders you think are too privileged to sit down and be quiet. as if we didn't hear that from everyone else in our lives since birth. as if this isn't aimed at us SPECIFICALLY bc we're not the group YOU think deserves safety and respect. fuck you.
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Same old love - Matt Sturniolo
Sumary: You helped Nick paint his room but the smell didn't go away completely and you had nowhere to sleep. Matt offered to let you sleep with him and you didn't hesitate for a second.
Warnings: smut +18, sexual tension, explicit content, use of fingers, wet dream (I don't know if that counts as a warning), unprotected sex (don't do it), soft!dom!matt, no use of y/n, friends to lovers, soft and funny end, rubbing, I think that's all.
A/n: Okay I wrote this without having any idea what it was going to be about but I feel like it's good but at the same time not so idk, and this is my first time writing a Matt fanfic or whatever you want to call it, btw if you didn't know I'm Matt Girl, I also wanted to tell you to leave me ideas here or in the inbox on my profile, since I'm running out of ideas.
⛧°。 ⋆༺ ✮ ༻⋆。 °⛧
You were at the Sturniolo house again, which wasn't unusual at all, spending more nights there than in your own house. You and the triplets were inseparable. That particular day, you had spent most of your time helping Nick paint his room, which had been more chaotic than you had expected. What had started out as a normal chore had turned into a paint war, leaving you completely covered in stains, from your face to your feet.
As the day was ending, you and Nick realized that the smell of fresh paint was still too strong to sleep in his room. Nick, hoping for a quick solution, went to ask Chris if they could share Matt's bed. After all, Matt had enough room and Nick thought it was the best option. But Chris, being Chris, flatly refused, starting a small argument in which a couple of insults were exchanged in a playful tone.
"Come on, Chris, don't be a jerk," Nick had said in frustration. “We just need a place to sleep, the smell in my room is disgusting.”
Chris looked at him with a mocking expression. “Why don’t you sleep on the couch or something? Matt needs his own space and he doesn’t want me sleeping with him anymore.”
“It’s not just me, there’s her too,” Nick explained. “I can’t make her sleep on the damn couch, Chris!”
“Well, that changes everything, doesn’t it?” Chris laughed mischievously. “No, not that.”
You just watched the scene, trying not to get too involved, but when the options started to run out, Matt stepped in.
“Now, Nick, forget it. She can sleep with me,” Matt said, looking at you with a mix of sympathy and calm. “It’s better if she stays in my room if there’s no other option.”
Although you tried to hide it, your heart started to beat faster at the thought. Sleeping with Matt… it wasn’t something that happened often, but you weren’t bothered by the idea in the slightest. There was something about Matt that had always attracted you, his way of being so sweet, but at the same time, it made you think there was something more hidden behind that good boy facade.
Once everything was sorted out, Matt lent you some clothes to change into since your clothes were covered in paint. The t-shirt he gave you smelled like him, a soft, comforting scent that you always liked. Along with some shorts, it looked like you were going to be comfortable that night, or at least that's what you thought.
After your skincare routine, Matt left you alone in the room to change in peace. That was what you liked most about him: always so considerate, such a gentleman. As you put on his clothes, a mix of nervousness and anticipation settled in your stomach. You knew Matt was sweet, but you had also felt a tension between you on more than one occasion. You couldn't deny that you were attracted to him, and although nothing had happened before, tonight you felt like something could be different.
When Matt came back into the room, the atmosphere changed. There was a brief awkward silence as you both climbed into bed. He kept a respectful distance at first, and you both exchanged a few words before sleep began to take over.
“Are you comfortable?” he asked you in that soft voice that always soothed you.
“Yes, thank you,” you replied with a smile, even though your mind was racing in a thousand directions.
Slowly, the two of you settled into bed, and soon silence filled the space. You felt the warmth of Matt’s body close to yours, and even though you tried to relax, you couldn’t help but think about how close you were. You closed your eyes, trying to focus on sleeping, but a strange sensation pulled you out of that state of tranquility.
At some point in the night, you felt Matt hug you from behind. It wasn’t unusual; you knew Matt always needed something to hug while he slept, and it didn’t bother you that it was you on this occasion.
What surprised you was the pressure on your lower back, a hardness you couldn’t ignore. You shifted your hips a little, trying to get yourself more comfortable, but as you did, that uncomfortable feeling in your lower back became more and more apparent.
It was a firm pressure, and although you tried to ignore it at first, you quickly realized that it wasn’t something that could go unnoticed for much longer. You shifted your hips slightly, hoping to find a more comfortable position, but as you did, the bulge in your back felt even more distinct. You paused for a second, taking in what was happening, and it was at that moment that your brain connected the dots: Matt was having a wet dream, and what you felt was his erection pressing against you.
Heat quickly rose to your cheeks, and you found yourself at a crossroads between two thoughts: the part of you that wanted to do the right thing and move so as not to make him uncomfortable, and the other part, the one that was already starting to get excited with the idea of helping him, of provoking something more. You knew you shouldn't... but that same reason drove you even harder to continue.
You took a deep breath, allowing desire to take control. Slowly, you began to move your hips once again, this time with a purpose. Your ass rubbed against his erection, feeling how the hardness of his member molded perfectly to your body. At first, Matt didn't react beyond a soft grunt in his sleep, but it didn't take long for you to notice a change. His hands, which had previously rested relaxed on your waist, began to squeeze a little harder, pulling you towards him unconsciously.
Each movement of your hips became more intentional, rubbing against him slowly, enjoying the feeling of having him so close, so hard, and at your disposal. The pace was gentle at first, like a little experiment to see how far you could go without waking him up. But with each rub, the tension in the air became more palpable, and your body began to ask for more.
You bit your lip, feeling the heat between your legs increase. Just being so close to him, with his body pressed against yours, and the feeling of his erection growing more under your movements, was driving you crazy. You couldn't deny that you had fantasized about Matt before, but you never thought you'd be in a situation like this, so intimate and dangerous. However, now that you were here, you didn't want to stop.
You moved a little faster, feeling the friction begin to send small waves of pleasure through you. Every time your hips slid back, the bulge in his pants rubbed directly against your ass, causing a soft moan to escape your lips. It was an almost imperceptible sound, but loud enough for Matt, though still in his dream, to react. His grip on your waist tightened, and his body leaned forward slightly, as if he was unconsciously seeking more of you.
What surprised you was how hard he pulled you towards him, as if, even in his sleep, his body knew exactly what he wanted. You felt his breathing grow heavier behind you, his chest rising and falling faster as his hips instinctively began to move in response to your movements. He was rubbing against you now, almost matching the rhythm you had set, but doing so with a little more urgency, as if his body was begging for relief.
The pleasure of feeling him react in such a way made you move with more intensity. Your ass rubbed against him more purposefully, seeking to increase the friction. You closed your eyes, letting yourself be carried away by the sensation, by the heat that was beginning to build in your abdomen and the tension that was growing with every second. You knew you were getting wet, and you couldn’t help it. Just being so close to Matt, teasing him like this, was taking a toll on you more than you had anticipated.
Suddenly, you felt Matt’s hips leaning closer to you, a low growl leaving his lips. You tensed slightly, wondering if he was about to wake up, but when there were no more rough movements, you decided to keep going. Slowly, you began to move again, this time with more pressure, making sure that every time you rubbed against him, his erection felt more directly against you. You were enjoying the power you had way too much at that moment, knowing that he was so vulnerable to your movements, so needy and oblivious to what was really going on.
A low moan left Matt’s throat as he leaned closer to you, and his hands slid down your waist, gripping you tighter. His breathing had become erratic, almost as if he was struggling to stay in that dream, but his body was already fully responding to what you were doing. You knew that if you kept this up, he wasn’t going to last much longer in this position.
So, in a moment of pure daring, you began to move faster, grinding against him in a way that provided as much pleasure to you as it did to him. The bulge in his pants rubbed directly against your ass, and the heat emanating from his body made you feel like you were going to explode at any moment.
It was then that you felt Matt's hands grip your hips in a more possessive manner, and his mouth moved closer to your ear. In a low, husky whisper, he said something that made you shiver from head to toe: "If you keep moving like that, I'm going to have to fuck you instead of staying still."
The way he said it, so charged with desire and need, made your entire body react immediately. The choice was now in your hands. And instead of stopping, you decided to continue teasing him. You moved your ass back, pressing yourself further against his erection, seeking the friction more intensely, making him grunt in pleasure against your neck.
Matt didn't hesitate for another second.
The moment your hips moved back, deliberately pressing yourself against him, everything changed. Matt stopped trying to keep still, his self-control finally giving in to the desire he had been suppressing. His breathing became even deeper and more erratic, and without another word, his hands gripped your hips tightly, pinning you against him.
You could feel the tension in his body increasing, the heat radiating from his skin, and that was when Matt began to move on his own. Slowly at first, his hips rocked forward, his erection sliding along your ass as his hands held you in place. The moan that escaped his lips was low, almost like a growl, and the intensity of his grip made you realize that, from that moment on, there was no turning back.
Your breathing quickened, pleasure and adrenaline coursing through your body as you felt Matt press harder against you. Every movement of his was more determined, more desperate. His erection rubbed against you with a firmness that drove you crazy, and every time he moved his hips, you felt the pleasure grow between your legs, as if your own body responded automatically to each touch.
"Fuck..." Matt whispered close to your ear, his voice husky and full of desire. His lips barely grazed the skin of your neck, but it was enough to send a shiver through your body. "You don't know what you're doing to me..."
The need in his voice made you bite your lip, and without thinking too much, you pushed your hips back, seeking more contact. The rubbing of his erection against your ass, the feeling of his possessive hands on you, and the heat of his body pressed against yours were making it increasingly difficult to stay calm. Your body was asking for more, begging for more.
Matt groaned as you moved, and in one swift motion, one of his hands moved down your belly to your thighs, caressing the bare skin that had been left exposed by the shorts he had lent you. The touch of his fingers, gentle but determined, sent a current of electricity straight to your core. You knew what was coming, and your body eagerly anticipated it.
“If you keep rubbing yourself like that…” he hissed, his voice deep and lust-laden, “I’m not going to be able to control myself.” But even though his words warned of what he was about to do, you didn’t seem to have any intention of stopping. The tease was mutual now, and you both knew the situation was going to spiral out of control.
You moved your hips again, seeking the friction of his erection, and Matt couldn’t hold back any longer. With unexpected speed, he turned you on the bed so that you were facing him, your breathing ragged as you looked into his eyes. His were dark with desire, the tension evident in his features. The whole atmosphere had changed in a second, and now, the urgency between them was palpable.
“I can’t take it anymore,” he admitted, his voice barely a whisper filled with need. His hands ran quickly over your body, sliding down your thighs, over your hips, and then up under the shirt he’d lent you, caressing the exposed skin. Every touch of his turned you on more, making the desire become unbearable.
And then, before you could process what was happening, Matt slipped a hand inside your shorts, his fingers brushing your crotch, finding you already wet with anticipation. You let out a soft moan as his fingers began to move, caressing you slowly, playing with the wetness there. You knew there was no hiding how much you wanted him right now.
"So wet..." he murmured, his eyes locked on yours as his fingers slid inside you, with an ease that made you shudder. "All this for me?"
You couldn't answer right away. The pleasure that was overwhelming you was too much, and the words were stuck in your throat. All you could do was let out a soft moan, your hips moving instinctively to seek more of his fingers.
Matt smiled darkly at the sight of you reacting that way, and without warning, he began to move faster, his fingers entering and exiting you at a pace that left you breathless. The pleasure enveloped you completely, and your body could do nothing but surrender to him, enjoying every second, every touch of his fingers.
"You know..." he began to say through clenched teeth, moving closer to you, his mouth just inches from yours, "I've wanted you like this for so long."
Matt held you tighter, his body still hot and sticky with sweat. His breathing was beginning to even out, but you could feel his heartbeat through his chest, still racing. The silence that followed felt comfortable, filled with that connection you both knew had been there all along, even if neither of you had admitted it before.
“This wasn’t a mistake, was it?” Matt asked after a few minutes, his tone vulnerable. As confident as he had been throughout the encounter, he now sounded a little unsure, like he was looking for confirmation that he hadn’t crossed a line he shouldn’t have.
You turned your head to look at him, noticing how his eyes watched you with a mix of curiosity and concern. You smiled softly at him, reaching out a hand to caress his cheek. “No, Matt. It wasn’t a mistake.”
He seemed to relax at your words, letting out a small sigh of relief. “Good. Because I don’t know if I could have held back any longer,” he admitted, laughing a little. “You’ve always driven me crazy, you know? But I never thought you… you’d want anything with me.”
You laughed softly at his confession, feeling relieved that he’d been suppressing all that desire as well. “And you think you weren’t giving me any signs? You always treated me differently than everyone else.”
Matt smiled mischievously, caressing the skin of your waist with his fingers. “And how do you want me to treat you now, after all this?”
You felt a shiver run through your body at his playful tone, and you moved closer to him, feeling his warmth against your bare skin. “I think you can treat me however you want now,” you replied, biting your lip as you glanced at him out of the corner of your eye.
He let out a low laugh, clearly satisfied with your answer, and then his lips sought yours, this time in a softer, more intimate kiss. There was no rush, no urgency like before, but the emotional intensity was still present. His lips moved against yours with a slowness that made you feel like they wanted to savor every second of that moment.
When the kiss broke, Matt stared at you, his dark eyes filled with something more than just desire. “This changes everything between us, you know?” he murmured, his hand gently stroking your hair. “I can’t see you the way I used to go back to you.”
“And I don’t want you to,” you admitted, your fingers gently playing with the edge of the sheet that covered both of your bodies. “Because I can’t see you the way I used to either.”
Matt smiled, that charming smile that always managed to disarm you, and kissed you once more, this time shorter but just as meaningful. “So… I guess we’ll have to keep this a secret for now.”
“Definitely. I don’t think Chris or Nick will take it well,” you laughed, imagining the chaos that would break out if they found out what had happened in that room.
“No way,” Matt agreed. “But honestly, it’s worth the risk.”
And with those words, you both fell silent, enjoying the quiet and closeness. There was no need for more words at that moment. What you had shared that night spoke for itself.
As you settled into his chest, closing your eyes and feeling the rhythm of his breathing, you couldn’t help but smile at the thought of everything that had changed between you. You knew things wouldn’t be easy, but for some reason, that didn’t worry you. You were exactly where you wanted to be.
The next morning, you woke up wrapped in the warmth of Matt’s body, who continued to hold you close as if he never wanted to let you go. Still half asleep, you carefully stretched, trying not to wake Matt up. Every part of your body felt relaxed but, at the same time, aware of everything that had happened the night before. Your thoughts were a mix of contentment, happiness and a slight anxiety for what was to come next.
You got out of bed slowly, trying not to make a sound, but as you moved, Matt groaned softly and pulled you to stay next to him.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he murmured hoarsely, his hand still gripping your hip.
You laughed quietly, turning to face him. “I was just going to the bathroom, don’t worry.”
He narrowed his eyes, smiling softly before letting go and letting you go. “Okay. But don’t be long, I don’t want Chris or Nick to find you before I get up.”
“Too late for that,” you heard a familiar voice from the doorway. You turned quickly and there was Chris, leaning against the door frame with a smirk on his face.
“Chris!” you yelled, bringing your hands to your face, horrified at the thought that he might have heard something. Matt, on the other hand, just huffed, rolling his eyes before flopping back onto the bed.
“Well, well, well,” Chris began, crossing his arms. “Look who finally did it. Nick owes me twenty bucks.”
You frowned, not quite understanding. “What are you saying?”
Before Chris could respond, Nick appeared behind him, sporting an equally wicked grin. “I said I was going to stop by before the month was out. Chris bet they wouldn’t dare until Christmas, but look at them.”
“I can’t believe it,” Chris sighed, shaking his head in mock disappointment. “I lost the bet on you, Matt. And the worst thing is that all this time we knew how you felt.”
Your eyes widened as you looked at them both, incredulous. “What? They knew?”
Nick shrugged, smiling with a mischievous grin. “Well, you weren’t very subtle, to be honest. And Matt even less so. He always looked at you like you were the only person in the room.”
Chris laughed. “And not only that. We’ve been noticing for weeks how nervous you got whenever Matt was around. We realized you felt the same way.”
You looked at Matt, who was now sitting on the bed, rubbing his face as if trying to hide his embarrassment. “They knew all this time…?” you asked, unable to help but blush.
Matt sighed deeply, looking at his brothers with a mix of annoyance and resignation. “Yeah, they knew. They made my life miserable all this time, just to see when I was going to tell you.”
“I can’t believe it,” you murmured, still shocked by the fact that Chris and Nick knew about your feelings the whole time.
Nick walked over, inspecting you with a mischievous grin, and suddenly his gaze stopped at your neck. “Wait a second…” His grin widened and he started laughing. “Wow, Matt. Not only did you finally tell her how you felt, but you also left a mark of ownership.” Nick pointed a finger at your neck, and that’s when you noticed that you had several hickeys scattered all over the exposed skin.
You brought your hand to your neck, completely embarrassed. “Oh my god, Matt!”
Chris laughed even harder, leaning into the door frame. “Matt’s always been passionate. But boy did you leave a mark last night.”
Matt threw a pillow at his brothers from the bed, trying to keep calm. “Shut up, you idiots.”
Nick dodged the pillow, still laughing, and made his way over to you, giving you a light punch on the shoulder. “Hey, at least you won’t have to sleep in my room smelling like paint anymore.”
“Yeah, you have a new bed assigned now,” Chris added, winking at you. “And it looks like Matt isn’t going to let you go anytime soon.”
Matt let out a sigh, clearly resigned to the teasing. He then got up from the bed, walking over to you and placing a hand on your lower back. “Don’t mind them. They’re just a couple of kids.”
“I can’t believe they bet on this,” you said, still shaking your head in disbelief.
“Welcome to my life,” Matt murmured with a smile as he kissed you softly on the forehead. “But at least there are no more secrets now.”
Nick and Chris continued to laugh as they left the room, leaving Matt and you alone once again. Even though the teasing from his brothers had been intense, you couldn’t help but feel relieved. Finally, everything was out in the open, and there was no need to hide how you felt about each other anymore.
“So… what do we do now?” you asked, looking up at him with a shy smile.
Matt smiled back at you, gently pulling your waist to bring you closer to him. “I think we can keep betting on how long it will take for Chris and Nick to stop bothering us.”
You let out a soft laugh, resting your forehead against his chest. “I guess we’ll just have to get used to that.”
“Definitely,” Matt whispered, leaning in to give you another kiss, softer and more loving this time. “But I promise it’ll be worth it.”
⛧°。 ⋆༺ ✮ ༻⋆。 °⛧
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AU where instead of Shen Yuan being obsessed with Luo Binghe, he's instead obsessed with the scum villain himself. I mean we all know Bingge is Very Not Good Person™ but you know who else a Very Not Good Person™? Say it with me: Shen Jiu
Like just imagine a timeline where Shen Yuan is writing paragraph after paragraph about how Shen Qingqiu might actually be a good person but Airplane is wasting his potential. The other commenters are saying he's delusional because he abused the protagonist and as all these TERRIBLE allegations towards him. So he's a clear cut villain.
But Shen Yuan is defending his fav with the vigor of a devout worshipper. He's constantly siting parts that are obvious plot holes and how they could give much needed context to Shen Qingqiu's character.
Other people are demanding for worst things to happen to Shen Qingqiu to spite him. Airplane caves. Shen Yuan actively commissions art and fics where Shen Qingqiu is happy. People tell him "Shen Qingqiu won't fuck you bro"
Shen Yuan isn't interested in that. He's a freaky little man with freaky little likes. He'd gladly take Shen Qingqiu's cold glares and even volunteer to have tea poured on him.
When he finishes PIDW, he's been outraged that Shen Qingqiu was killed off a while back. He's even more outraged that Shen Qingqiu wasn't given any mention at the end.
Now, imagine with me that he gets transmigrated into some NPC, literally Unimportant Character No°5. Probably as the head disciple for drama reasons. And as soon as Shen Jiu is brought in, scruffy and hissing as he is. He immediately hugging his thighs and saying he'll be peak lord for sure.
Please follow me into this suspicious alleyway as I continue to explain my vision fueled by sleep deprivation.
So now imagine your Shen Jiu. You're a former street rat and demonic cultivator, you aren't expecting to be liked or respected. You're expecting it, you've come to terms with it a long time ago. What you weren't expecting was for this random ass guy you have to call da-shixiong is immediately insane about you.
He met you first day, literally saw you bite a guy, and immediately started spouting out how you'll be the next peak lord and the absolute envy of Cang Qiong Mountain. You conclude he's missing a few screws because he said it in the most disgustingly sincere way.
You try to continue on with your life, trying to beat him and he looks almost... Excited about you beating him. So he's an M, you think to yourself. But then you see someone trying to beat him or you on something, and this guy immediately gets aggressive. Okay so he's just weird with you.
You continue to deal with him. He's weird but also weirdly respectful. He leaves if you tell him to leave. He defends you like it's his very birth right. He's always there to tend to you as if you were a god. He doesn't touch you and only sits around like a dog waiting for a command.
You eventually get strong enough to beat him, and this absolute buffoon is over the moon about it, already spouting about your supposed success again.
When you actually become peak lord, it isn't surprising. Your hype man has been saying it since day one, he was expecting it for some reason. He continues to spout out nonsense about how he just knew you were going to do it.
So what now? You obviously desire him carnally. What is the next step?
Okay so I know this wouldn't fix them. Almost without question this would make they both worse. But, hear me out, it would be funny. (Especially since just know Shen Yuan's entire inner monologue would be him saying he's just being a good friend as if he isn't being the gayest man in the sect and Shang Qinghua is there. That's an accomplishment to outgay the author)
#ignore me im insane#i can only articulate my ideas through silly haha jokes#but like y'all get it right?#svsss#jiuyuan#scumcum#shen qingqiu#shen jiu#shen yuan#shitpost#idk i'm just rambling#personally I always saw SY on the asexuality spectrum but still that man is PRETTY gay about men#especially pretty men#good for him
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