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cochineal-leviat · 2 days ago

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Valentine Special 2025 ships

Heyo, it's already midnight where I am, so Valentine's Day has passed, but I still wanted to celebrate it. Valentine's Day is weird for me because I am Aro&Ace, so I never really get to appreciate it. Every year, it just comes and passes, and I feel nothing, even though I do like the aesthetic.

But this week, I had the brilliant idea that even though I can't celebrate it conventionally, I can still do something for all the pairings and ships I have come to love over the years. So, I drew eleven ships that had helped me during my most challenging moments, from when I was a child to the present. They are ordered in no particular order but rather what I got on paper in my sketchbook.

Idk. Maybe this way me my fellow Aromantics shippers can still enjoy the holiday.

Which ship do you like best? I would love to know~ (even if it is simply from the technical perspective)

From the first panel to the last, we have:

Page 1

Kirfluff (is extra special to me as a fic I wrote for the pairing, including many other franchise characters, which led me to keep writing for fun and posting it online. Without I would not have the boost of confidence that I do now about my writing)

Metadede (Who doesn't love a good ship with a warrior's bond? They're hilarious)

Isafrin (my most recent ship. They make me soft and cry at the same time. Like this pairing adds a lot ISAT's story and manages to also be very entertaining and heartfelt)

Sonadow (I got into the ship before I was even into Sonic. There was even a long-ass fic I found back when I still read on Fanfiction.net that I reread every year because I found it so funny. I definitely enjoy the modern Sonadow writing more than a decade ago)

Snufmin (perfect balance between yearning and the needing space and the freedom to adventure. I want to read more of this ship)

Page 2

Ravioli(nk) (The name alone already makes it worth it. I also have an unholy amount of fics saved from this ship. They are the literal roommates meme)

Vidow (a classic. I enjoyed this one even before I got into Zelda. Like I was reading Four Swords without having any clue what the lore was or what the fuck was going on.)

Reguri (This was named Namelessshipping and Orginalshipping back in the day. Too tired to do research rn. But I think the difference lies in the manga and game versions. I prefer the game versions, personally)

Purpleshipping {Kieran x mc) (A little backstory: this is just the mc from Scarlet and Violet that I made an NB version for, which became their own person after writing a fic. Here, they are exchanging an Applin with Kieran. For those who know the custom, you know, you know. A friend of mine named this ship)

Shadowpeach (the most divorced couple I have ever come across. I remember back when this was considered a crack ship. Ah, good times. The character depictions were very different back then, too. I depicted them in their friend's era, but still. Btw Macaque is laughing at Sun Wukong's antics but I think it accidentally looks like he is laughing at Sun Wukong rather than with him. Oh well, it wouldn't be too out of character for seasons 1-3 Mac)

Marink (not a ship I read about a lot, but it hurt me so much when I played Link's Awakening for the first time. Everytime I think of Marin I feel sad)

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takeyourhands · 4 months ago

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my life is constant pain

#shush tara #this isnt a call out post btw !! i have literally no beef with anyone who ships my f/o's with other characters #but also i am just so so very tired and sad #i can be completely neutral to vari//go likers while also still feeling sorry for myself #those things can coexist #(i only censored it so it doesnt appear in the main tags because i might have to eat a lemon whole if that happens)

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thekittyokat · 9 months ago

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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah

#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again #the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys #saw #well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand #know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows #your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn #thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down #something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness #the transformation of a man into a monster #and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption #sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this #do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore #it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating #fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn #i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him #until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else #well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God #where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium #anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus #maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man #i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed #if only he hadn't been weaponized first #god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already #but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there #rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts #ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly #cat chat

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mrmeepsmadmind · 3 months ago

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i love when ppl draw bumblebee like the happy little creachure he is but also i love when people draw bumblebee like he's had 500 beers in the last 1 hour and still the pain won't even ebb

#bonus when they do both by making him just utterly psychotic but he smiles so no one notices #i am a shameful idw bee enjoyer but like in the tired af ppl pleasing libra girl who needs a therapist so fking bad but #has 700000 billion duties and 900000000 billion expectations and mean bitches in his ear telling him hes stupid #sense #and not the he feels like an officer sense like no my queen is just a teachers pet doing her best which is her worst im afraid #anyways i love bee hes very indignant and a bitch but also im gonna stand beside her sorry #u do not understand how powerful it was to give him a cane . a literal crutch to hold onto to feel stronger even when ratchet says he doesnt #have to anymore but yet bee still insists bcs he doesnt have time for the repairs itll take when others cannot survive #and 2 it comforts him with support and also power and so he cradles it close with the idea of him being weak & needing smthing else #to make him strong #even tho at this point it's rlly just for comfort but he cant afford to allow himself to have comfort when others cant #or dont need it in his heroism ideals (specifically optimus being seen as so much stronger than him)#optimus also had bee tho. had him. but bee is so self conscious he just sees all his failures surrounding optimus & views himself not a #crutch to lean on but a crutch to optimus' character #he rlly needed rodimus and his fiery upbeat persona so they could fake it till they made it together and he left & fucking exploded #(in bees eyes)#like idk im just obsessed with this little tryhard loser #he islike a sad little clingy mother who refuses to think herself as human. she is just mother. lives off evrryones accomplishments #never her own #idk like hes so interesting tonme i want to kill him teehee #chew on him like sponge cak #bumblebee #transformers #tf bumblebee #tf idw #idw #tf #????#maccadam #i hate not knowing waht tag to use

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sunb0ts · 4 months ago

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something that always gets me about klavier is that he is so clearly just like. friendly. he cares so much and he cares too much. he's one to tease simultaneously but he so clearly just like. loves and loves and loves, even when it puts him in harm's way, he likes people and he likes being around people enough to be desperate for it and for friendship like. ough

#💥.txt #klavier gavin #kristoph gavin #aa4 #this is also partially why I am such a truther of nuance in klavier+kris's relationship #I think it mixes well with prev just in like. how much he cares is both part of his core and a byproduct of #being desperate for all the connection he lost + that was plenty dysfunctional on top of that (but all he had)#I think it actively hits harder if he's conflicted for missing someone who was terrible because it was still his brother and like.#I think kris having been good to klavier sometimes (adding to the dysfunction of the bad) is something that I've always liked #because like #I think klavier having a 'is it wrong to want him dead' and 'am I terrible for missing him badly' thing happenin at the same time is!!#so good and also very sad and I love you gavin brother things that capcom didn't give us. love you klavier gavin #I like the idea of him having that confliction alongside his grief :( ow #I literally don't have the right words to properly express all my thought cereal on this. other people have done it though so it is ok haha #I love when fictional grief has the confliction of 'being reminded the monster was also human and that makes everything worse' it's so good #like I hate you. I miss you. the way you were nice to me was so very you and it makes me soft and sad and tired. I miss you.#you were awful in unspeakable ways. I miss you.#sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like without you and it comforts me as much as it terrifies me. I miss you

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girlishwhimsies · 1 month ago

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i love looking at hot takes and realizing that some outsiders fans don’t realize that fandom is something fun. nothing is truly that serious at the end of the day.

#ik i am a hypocrite but like fuck y’all HATE when people have fun with ensemble characters #like let people have fun and do shit #keep your head down and don’t be an ass #i’m chill with about 99% of the fandom cause of that #but some of y’all are insane #and book fans hate musical fans for some reason and will not shut the fuck up about it #like glad you like the book that’s great!! love that and i’d love to discuss it but the musical is not the root of all evil #oh nooo they added more characters cause you need more for a musical to function #every adaptation changes things lemme hold your hand i promise it’s okay that this happens #also y’all realize some things were cut cause they needed to fit in the MUSIC. cause it’s a MUSICAL #and none of these ensemble are magically getting more lines #idk i’m tired of the fighting cause it’s notttttt that deep and y’all hate seeing musical fans have fun #also you aren’t better than me for not shipping something holy fuck #i don’t care that you don’t ship something i do #one of my best friends in the world doesn’t ship one of my main three ships and we get alone very well #that’s not my issue #my issue is people acting like they understand the story more or are immune to mischaracterizing the characters #they can be shipped and still hold true to themselves #these tags are a lot of yap but i’m tired and sad and pissed off so #y’all get this #this happens so much with cherrycola acting like it gets rid of their major character traits #the whole point is they are FRIENDS before they ever get together #they don’t get together til LATER ON #they have to heal and work out their own issues #“but cherry said blah blah to ponyboy”#consider its cause her boyfriend just threatened to kill a child. she may have been a little shaken up and not wanted #to bring more trouble and attention to him #anyway #the outsiders #the outsiders broadway

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intotheelliwoods · 1 year ago

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Guess who got to see a Solar Eclipse at the 4 Corners! (the bobble leos did. this trip was for them actually- they didnt even pay for gas)

#2 arms left #aha so eepy #had to wake up so early to drive here and I am very tired #relax weekend for me dont expect much aha #did I have a tag for the bobble leos I forget #anyways you know how some people have like a stuffed animal or something they take on all their travels #and photograph them next to the places they have been to #thats me. but with the bobble leos lmao.#If you ever see bobble leos on the dashboard of someones car congrats thats my car #as for I take them everywhere #im so sad I could not find the welcome signs for arizona or utah #also why is the new mexico sign like. decked in stickers. while the colorado welcome sign is as pure and clean as ever #do people prefer sticking them on metal as opposed to wood or something #im also so sad the whole place I was at didnt go pitch dark aha #the moon was def over the sun #just wasnt close enough to darken the place #as in where I was it was perfectly over the sun too!

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thedreadvampy · 25 days ago

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lmao it is undeniably true that I am Depressi Spaghetti but you know. fuck it we continue.

#red said #i am hoping!!!! that this is January Brain speaking #it FEELS as if I've been in an extended depressive episode since like. may or June #but depression is a Filthy Fucking Liar so that may or may not be true #either way it's very tedious. there is no reason for this. i am very loved and cared for. i am doing well. it is just that my brain is soup #SAD AND SELF-LOATHING SOUP #we cannot resist the Soup we can only swim on through #idk it is like. i feel as if i don't exist beyond work i feel like I'm losing myself i feel like I'm very alone #this all FEELS very true even though actually i have many passions i do many things and i am booked to the gills with social engagements #so you know. what's it all about? The Soup. possibly also The Dark.#possibly also also that many people i care about are going through really rough times and I'm kinda. not?#and that's WEIRD both that I'm not and that I've developed like a level of boundaries where people i live going through it #doesn't mean I'm in a constant state of panic.#and slash or. where I'm too depressi spaghetti to have the energy to be there for them #i don't THINK it's that. that's never been a thing for me before really.#but idk i think it's like when i reach the end of my to do list i panic that I've forgotten something vital #i am not panicking and that makes me feel. strange and empty and immobile.#even though in actuality I'm in constant motion like. barely a free moment. but i FEEL static i FEEL inactive #because I'm not in 24/7 crisis mode #and then bc i feel inactive i don't understand why I'm so tired. I'm so tired because I'm ALWAYS DOING THINGS.#but also i do feel kind of. numb. everything is just running past me. except sometimes i feel spasms of grief cause like #I've ended or majorly changed a lot of relationships this past year #but yeah i think the numbness is PROBABLY the January of it all and will PROBABLY lift in March/April #and if it doesn't. well. fuck it. we continue. i am yet young.

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deoidesign · 9 months ago

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#ok finally making a post about meds #I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset #so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but #it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways #so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone #like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus #my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night #sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired #it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted #but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too #but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared #so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow #anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING #that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up #I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world #and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on #and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!

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naamahdarling · 5 months ago

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Augh

#fancy is really struggling #and the babies are lovely and just FASCINATING in how they developed around but not shaped by humans and i so very deeply enjoy them #but they are also a little ungovernable due to their age and general lack of caring about rules and they are bothersome and rowdy #and it is obviously so so hard on her and my heart is breaking because im afraid we wont be able to get her through this #and i will have to give the babies up #and...not have another cat #just one #i would be crushed #and added to all of that is that the babies are taking their time learning to be pets and that is fine and wonderful actually #but...i need surgery on at least one ankle and i won't be able to keep up with them if things haven't sorted themselves out by then #and they haven't become more manageable and fancy hasn't adjusted #so we are asking about meds for poor fancy and hoping that works #but she's really having a hard time guys and i am fighting so hard to cope in a household where i spend most of my time alone #with two animals who don't love me yet or interact with me like pets (i'm a source of three things: food and snuggles on demand and NO STOP #and one who is sad and not herself #and frankly it's terrible that i can't fix this #and i am trying not to lose my shit but this wasn't supposed to be so hard #and im afraid i may lose five cats and not three #and im already barely holding on #i don't know what to do and neither does my boyfriend #i don't want to turn around and have to tell you guys we can't keep the babies #i feel like i am failing at something i am supposed to be GOOD AT #i don't want to be in a house so empty #i can't live like that #having the babies is lovely #they're so alive and the boys were so sick by the end and the stress of the constant anxiety and grief as they faded away was crushing #even before they died #it's been so good to have them running about #i don't want to LOSE that #im so tired of LOSING things

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hana-bobo-finch · 7 days ago

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spent the evening drawing a little something to commemorate my first time playing hollow knight

just entered greenpath and I LOVE the ambiance of it, i really couldn’t do it justice here

#art #hollow knight #I really can’t draw waterfalls alaaaas oh well #they just look like Big Blobs I’m gonna. explode if I keep thinking about it I’m too tired to fix em #for those absolutely DYING to know my thoughts on it so far—#it is SO fun but in all honesty I do not know what I’m doing at any given time #I think I’m slightly getting the hang of it?? but I definitely did more wandering around than actual plot progression #speaking of which I’m completely lost on the plot and lore. it’ll be explained more later on I’m positive but for now? no idea #don’t know who these people are or why they’re here or what’s going on but #yknow. I like it so far!#I am also very bad at it so far!! I’ve lost an embarrassing amount of times because I got knocked into spike pits #I think that rest areas being benches is so whimsical. nothing special just. a bench. love that #I was gonna draw the bench but then I remembered I can’t draw seats of any kind so. standing up it is #the only thing I can really say as a negative right now is there aren’t many fleshed out characters so far #oh I’m 100% sure that’s going to change so it’s not a complaint #but as someone who mostly gravitates towards the characters in games? right now it feels very lonely. sad #I like the map guy. cornifer I think his name is #I can’t get his name right for the life of me. so far I’ve called him corn cornfield and confield #also his wife. she seems so depressed I think she needs someone to talk to #or a bigger doorframe #and that little miner thing? what’s her name? I want to say it starts with M #she was adorable. the children yearn for the mines #but yeah overall I crave more characters…..I’ll have to actually play through the game more for that won’t I #only other issue is that. fun fact. did you know dyscalculia can affect one’s sense of direction and reading maps #in other words I spent most of my time playing the game being confused and lost because where the hell am I #but that’s a me problem lmao #overall. good game so far mhm 👍 I can’t say I know what any of it is actually about but yeah I like it #goes without saying but. please don’t spoil anything for me!!!auhghhh

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varjopeura · 2 months ago

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#idk i just. it would be so much easier to do Anything if i had any idea what amount of love is acceptable to show to other people #hanging out with people! talking to them! doing activities together! i like all of these things and i like the people i do them with #but it's always so hard to figure out where The Limits are #i know other people often aren't nearly as open to affection and closeness as i am #and i Very Much Do Not Want to make anyone uncomfortable with unwanted advances #i'm not sure how to communicate 'i will not get any closer than you wish me to' without the message coming across as 'i wish you didn't #come any closer to me'#because i feel like that's what i'm doing most of the time! pushing people away so they know i'm not trying to offend their personal space #and then i end up feeling miserable and left out and abandoned because no one gets as near me as i wish them to #idk idk just feels bad man #and like as much as i crave physical intimacy with people this also applies very much on emotional distance #generally i'd like to be a lot closer to the people in my life in every sense of those words #and i don't know how???#giving a compliment or offering a hug or inviting someone to a thing always makes me feel like some sort of monster #clumsy and unwanted and clueless about their horrid existence that is barely tolerated #why aren't there any clear rules to these things i could learn! so i could Fucking Communicate with people!!!#euuogggggh i'm just tired and frustrated and sad and haven't slept properly and it's been a long week at work #i think i'm doing better than what it sounds like here #maybe #sussitalk

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iknowwhereyousleepatnight · 6 months ago

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should i sleep for a hundred million years or purposefully stop sleeping just to see what happens

#i have slept 2 hours and haven’t been able to fall asleep again for like 3 hours and i was really tired and mad abt it but now i am not #tired and not mad abt it so maybe the path i should be taking is to stop sleeping. sleeping a lot gives me little energy and i’ve been #having trouble sleeping anyway so maybe i should use this to my advantage and run my little sleep deprivation experiment that i was #originally planning to do a couple years back but then got sooo eepy sleepy that i didn’t really get far. but maybe that’s bc i wanted to #go 72 hours straight w/o sleep so i could record my response to it. i should be more subtle i think. maybe only a few hours a night #and more 30 hour waking periods. do not listen to a single thing i say ever i’m an unreliable narrator btw. i think i could trigger smth #fun to happen i:m a good age for sleep deprivation to do something fun and interesting to me and i want to play god #but i’d get kinda sad being awake all the time bc sleeping is like my number one coping mechanism. then again the pain of losing #that on top of the physical and mental consequences of sleep deprivation would be like so cool. it would pain me so much #but i find that compelling. do not listen to a single word i say i will realize this is dumb later but rn i do kinda want to think abt #running my little experiments and trying to ruin myself further. i’m such a good thing to think abt experimenting on bc i’m so affected #by things i just wish i had more force of will Does anyone want to kidnap me and keep me awake for 72 hours (i’m thinking electrocution #will be involved) and keep notes i fear i’d give up and i wouldn’t keep good enough track of things which would be so sad #obvi it would be unethical but i’m cool w that. i would also want it all on camera for review purposes. hmm i’m digging this idea. 72 hours #is not very long and i doubt there would be lasting consequences so it seems like a good idea. however i’d want to do this when i have #things to keep me busy and restricted access to places to sleep. okay i must think on this further pay no mind to what i say unless u have #suggestions like how to keep yourself from giving in bc i always have difficulty w that one

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tullycicero · 6 months ago

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the funniest part of being in dark academia spaces etc online is that you do really begin to see how like fake all of it is when people are posting and reblogging pictures of your own university (and romanticising your own degree) and they've all just been... desaturated to high heaven like no the shortcut to your lectures doesn't look like that - nothing weirder than seeing people look up to what is essentially half of your life as an aesthetic pinnacle and meanwhile there you are doing studying the classics in an old british university and that is not the vibe

idk it just makes me laugh, seeing photos that can literally include the outside of my own student bedroom being romanticised when i can see very clearly that the sepia filter is blasted to 100 and there aren't tourists everywhere

#like this isn't to sound braggy #like oh i live the real dark academia life #im so lucky to have my degree and my uni #its more a remark on just how fake aesthetic spaces are #and the people who curate them are so aware of that #but those who consume it aren't necessarily as aware #and that it creates this lie that lifts up certain subjects and institutions #without a recognition of how different experiences of that subject or place can be #but the lack of recognition of seasonal change is also very amusing #but it is both funny and sad the obvious manipulation of reality #that said #the reason i am in dark academia spaces is because it motivates me when i feel tired of my degree #to remember my own passion for it #and how lucky i am #and how hard i worked to get here #and that this is my dream #and the desensitisation to the wonder of these places and lifestyles #is a real problem #and we should all live with a little but more sparkle #classics #classics student #classicsblr #latin student #oxbridge #dark academia #seeing people aspire to what you have #as someone who also aspired to it #is inspiring #KEEP GOING #you can make it

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whumpy-wyrms · 5 months ago

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it’s 3am and i’ve spent the past few hours drawing a bunch of doodles of me and anton hanging out together like we’re the bestest of friends because it’s my art and i can draw whatever i want forever

#i’ll post the drawings this weekend probably #anton oc #wyrms says stuff #wyrms lore #it’s 3am and i am not tired but i also have to get up early so #hey at least i don’t have any classes on fridays so that’s good #wow anton is so cool #wow #wow i love him so much more than anything really #platonically obviously we’re both very aroace #and i know if he was real we’d be best friends we’d do everything together #we’d go see that absolutely horrendous looking minecraft movie on opening night together #he’d talk to me about rats and science and snakes and i’d talk about undertale and tma and gravity falls #we’d have so much fun i’d teach him how to play video games and he would love it so much #and he’d show me all of his weird and wacky science experiments and he’d be so silly about it #and we’d go on walks in his forest and he’d show me all the animals #and we’d comfort eachother when we’re sad and it would be so cozy and safe #we would have eachother and understand eachother that’s all we will ever need #wow he’s just so real to me guys #like he feels so real #and i’m so genuinely sad that he’s not #he deserves to exist he deserves to be happy #the fact he doesn’t exist feels like i lost someone extremely close to me and will never get them back #it’s like i’m grieving the loss of someone who never existed and it hurts #he deserves to exist :(#ouughhh #this is devastating #it hurts #i should go to sleep #:(

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talkorsomething · 8 months ago

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I have Got to get more transgender

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #transmasc #trans ftm #transgender #i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever #so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL #it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks #such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also #or like. exist in general maybe #reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically #idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again #i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this #i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian #like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty #miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes #partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it #as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once #didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.

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