#but also i am in conflict with myself like :/ yOuR nOt dIsAblIed EnoUgH fOr ThAt

[teddiibear444]

I gotta shower,, I've been putting it off cause showering makes me feel so nauseous and makes my heart rate sky rocket and it's jusy bad all around >:[

But I hate feeling dirty and being smelly !! Augh!!

[cripplecharacters]

Do you have any advice on how can I write an intellectually disabled character acting manipulative/lying (as a personal bad habit of theirs) without it coming off in bad taste?

They're a quite complex character with many conflicting feelings and motivations for sometimes falling into such behaviors; one of the reasons I started working on them was me getting sick of the "pure kind sweet angel who can never lie or do wrong unlike us, evil selfish cunning humans" trope for characters with ID.

The story has a lot of other disabled characters, (including characters with developmental disabilities) who don't act like that, but maybe I can do something else to convey that this is a behavior trait specific to this character and their personality/background, and not in any way some sort of statement on disabled people in general?

Hi!

Funnily enough, I feel like we are for the most part we tend to be pretty bad at lying (or at least I am. perhaps a skill issue?). Most people with ID I know (myself included) have the "omitting crucial information on purpose" type of lying rather than "just making shit up". I think because the first one is easier and the latter leaves a lot of room for holes that are easier to overlook when you are intellectually disabled.

What I would actually try to do with an intellectually disabled character lying is to make it clear that it's a conscious decision that they're making. One, because we can do morally questionable things, two, something about an intellectually disabled character being assumed to be lying when they aren't feels... bad for some reason (as in, makes me very uncomfortable on a personal level).

I would also advise treating your ID character in the same way that you would treat any other one; if someone does catch them lying about something important, they shouldn't be treated like a baby who doesn't know what they were doing.

You also said that it's a complex character and that they have actual motivations for acting in this way, which is great - you're not making it seem like "person with ID=lying" but rather just "pwID = could lie if has the right reason to" which is true for intellectually disabled people as much as for everyone else.

If you have more ID/DD characters, then you're probably fine! As a rule of thumb, I try to look for patterns when it comes to implications like that; e.g. if you had a singular character, and they were manipulative then that could be a problem, but if you have five and one of them is, then that's kinda just how people can be lol. That's also true for many tropes I feel like, there will be a difference between 100% and 20% of characters being stereotypes, sometimes people do fit the stereotype in one way or another while also still being complex outside of that.

I hope this helps!

mod Sasza

[identitty-dickruption]

I'm genuinely curious and i am conflicted myself regarding this topic and I hope you understand my question

I understand that you don't want people to say that they want to or even can transition into being intersex and still advocate for trans rights/people that identify as nonbinary ect. Your reasoning behind that is that having an intersex body comes with certain experiences/discriminations ect. that you can't just claim as an identity.

How it is that different from women who have experienced abuse/misogyny / sexual violence that feel mocked and misunderstood when people say that they can just transition into being a woman and using that as an identity category? And I don't mean women who are against transitioning in general:

Transition to have a female-looking body.. of course. Wanting to be addressed with she/her pronouns.. fair. But saying that you now know what it is to be a woman and using that as an identity category and dismissing women who say that being a woman is more than just trying to look like one... maybe not fair?

Idk. I really would like to hear your take on this. Please don't just block me, this is a genuine question that I don't know how to answer..

this is something I’ve grappled with quite a bit, because it’s a comparison a lot of TERFs have made in the past. and. you know. I like to try and internally engage with arguments I’m against in order to make sure I’m being logically and politically consistent in a way that I’m comfortable with

to be honest, I’m not sure there are many responses that will feel satisfying to anyone who isn’t a trans intersex person themself. “it’s just different” isn’t going to cut it, even though that response is the instinctive one. and, in a sense, it is just different

being a woman or being female is a known category in a way that being intersex isn’t. I mean. most people know that intersex people exist, but in an entirely abstract way. they know a fetishisation of being intersex that is never going to be entirely accurate to the real intersex experience — in the same way that an abled person only knows a fetishised version of being disabled

some TERFs and other transphobes will say that the same is true for womanhood. those people are wrong. partially due to the work of feminists in the past, the popular understanding of womanhood has expanded. almost everyone also knowingly interacts with women every single day. there’s an understanding of the complexity of womanhood that isn’t granted to intersex people. nobody sees us as complex, they see us as freaks with scientifically fascinating bodies

this is all assuming, of course, that the trans identity is a choice. sometimes it is. I choose to be trans every time I wake up in the morning. not everyone does. most trans women don’t choose to be women, they just are. and maybe they don’t have identical experiences to cis women, but that doesn’t mean their experiences aren’t women’s experiences. my experiences with ableism as someone with genetic disabilities are different from the experiences of someone with an acquired disability, but we’re all still disabled

I’d like to finish by saying that “intersex” also doesn’t just mean one thing. it means many many things. most of my issue with dyadic people identifying as intersex is that they do it without understanding the complexities of intersex experiences. I would like there to be a day when the complexities of intersex experiences are acknowledged enough that people see us outside of the fetishised lens. we’re just not there yet, so I cannot trust that a dyadic person is going to see us as human beings when they claim to have experiences that match mine

this is an ongoing discussion I have with myself. trans women are women. transmisogyny is not okay. that can coexist with my desire to tell dyadic people that they’re not intersex. it’s just about finding ways to explain that those two ideas CAN coexist

[svartalfhild]

What’s your favorite High Fantasy Story?

Oh boy. What a big question. Buckle in; this is going to take a minute.

Okay, so as you might expect, it's very hard for me to say one particular story is my absolute favourite, especially considering how I engage with the genre across many different types of media, so let me talk about a few different stories arranged by medium.

Books

Obviously the works of Tolkien are high on my list of favourites. LOTR is the ur-story of Western high fantasy.

I've mentioned it many times before, but the Starlight & Shadows trilogy by Elaine Cunningham has always been a big favourite of mine and a very formative read for me when I was a preteen. If you like DnD, elves (esp. dark elves), and/or morally complicated female protagonists, this one is for you. It also has a romance between a wizard and a barbarian and incorporates lots of aspects of Forgotten Realms lore that take inspiration from Norse and Slavic mythology.

Film and TV

LOTR defs makes this list again. I am the Spiders Georg for Times Watched LOTR Movies.

The Witcher. "But Svar, why did you list this here and not under books?" Because the books are full of misogyny. Don't get me wrong, the books have good stuff, but the Netflix series got rid of a lot of the misogyny that I greatly dislike about the books (and games). I also just really enjoy the show in its own right. The Blood Origin miniseries spinoff is super good too and I'm sad it got no attention. Are there flaws? Yes. But I really like the story they're trying to tell and Slavic folklore doesn't get nearly enough interest in Western media.

The Mythica Films. This is a series of five indie fantasy films that are clearly inspired by DnD and they are the best indie fantasy movies I've ever seen. They tell the story of a young disabled woman talented with magic who finds out she's got dark powers and has to run for her life. Matt Mercer plays the main villain and weirdly enough, these movies were the first time I ever saw him, and I was actually wary of Critical Role at first because those movies gave me the odd impression that he's an edgelord, even though he's a very sweet person irl lol.

Honor Among Thieves is brand new, but it instantly won my heart as a favourite. How can it not? It's set in DnD's Forgotten Realms and is about platonic friends raising a child together while also being about whacky heist shit. A story after my silly aspec heart.

Games

Okay, I'mma have to restrain myself and give you top five here, because otherwise we're gonna be here all day.

The Baldur's Gate Saga. Fucking old but truly great. The OG. The 90's graphics might turn a lot of people off these days, which is unfortunate, because they are amazing games, especially with the Enhanced Editions and the new Siege of Dragonspear expansions. It's the story of an unwitting child of the God of Murder, and you can either embrace what you are, struggle against it, or try to ride the line. I personally find the struggle against one's blood and supernatural urges a much more compelling story. It's the struggle to become something other than what you were made to be while also being pulled towards your destiny and have to choose what to do with the power that is given to you. It is the struggle for your soul and the souls of those you love. It is a journey to the Hells and a rise from its ashes, and you have to choose what the phoenix looks like. Also there's a man who carries a miniature giant space hamster everywhere with him and a gnome obsessed with turnips, to name just a few of the incredibly silly aspects of the story.

The Elder Scrolls series. The worldbuilding in TES is amazing for the specific reason that it's such a fucking mess. The folks at Bethesda and Zenimax have taken the unique approach of building the lore like historians collecting a bunch of conflicting primary sources. That's fucking fascinating because it makes the world feel more realistic. The real world is full of conflicting information, especially regarding history, and we all have to decide what we think is true based on the information given to us. Also TES III: Morrowind in particular is the most game of all time. You can tell it was made by a bunch of freaks and it's creatively braver than many of the major RPGs that have come out since. Bethesda just went "what if we did a game about the land of the dark elves, and that land is full of mushroom trees and all the fauna is either some sort of unique reptile, insect, or jellyfish- no it's not underground- anyway, here's an epic story about destiny, revenge, cultural conflict, and the gods being deeply flawed- also there's a bit where you have to kill a giant jellyfish with a fork you got from a lizard man called Big Head".

The Dragon Age series. All things considered, DA is a pretty conventional high dark fantasy story, but it has enough of its own unique twists and interesting writing/worldbuilding to be special to me. Each game has a different protagonist and a different type of story, but there's some themes that are consistent across the series. I would say the central theme of DA is finding the strength to do what must be done, even though you never asked for the responsibility and by rights shouldn't even be here. I think that's really compelling if you're the kind of person who has dealt with a lot of imposter syndrome in your life.

The Pillars of Eternity games. I don't think PoE gets nearly enough love. It has rich, carefully crafted lore that gets into things that other series tend to half-ass, like the linguistic aspects of the worldbuilding. Across the two games, Obsidian really delves deep into difficult discussions about mental illness, the relationship between gods and mortals, the cycle of life and death, ethics in magic, the effects of imperialism, and trying to make huge decisions when the right answer isn't clear. Also the visual style of these games is impeccable, as is the music.

Neverwinter Nights. This is where my love of DnD began. I watched my uncle play this game when I was a kid and I instantly fell in love with its whole vibe. The main campaign might hit different these days, because the story involves a deadly plague and the protag has to recover the pieces of a potential cure while also uncovering cult shit. There's a whole betrayal/scapegoat thing going on that's super tragic. Anyway, pile this one on the list of reasons I grew up to be a DnD obsessed goth.

Other

If you follow me, you're probably familiar with how much I love the DnD actual play show Critical Role. I've been watching since 2016 and I'm forever amazed at the compelling stories the cast and the dice rolls have built across three campaigns now.

Black Dice Society is my other favourite DnD actual play show. It's Ravenloft, so it's a gothic horror/high fantasy fushion. It has two seasons and tells such a beautiful story about the struggle for love and power.

[msvorderofoperations]

Another dream journal, and this one is a real weird one.

It starts out with hearing about a new video game from a podcast I listen to regularly. It is described as a weird indie game that somehow has gotten away with having some licensed mecha designs (specifically Gurren Lagann) in it while having nothing to do with the show they came from. It sounds very interesting, so I end up playing it for myself.

I am immediately struck by the strange but impressive visual design. It is cel shaded (like Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker) but still maintains a great level of detail. It also doesn't really play like most games I tend to play. There's not much actual gameplay, it's mostly cutscenes driven by occasional choices you have to make. It also becomes quite clear that this story is VERY weird. It begins with people working together at a garage to try and capture roaming mechs to scrap them for parts so they can attempt to build their own. Everyone has a reasonably powerful but patchwork car to try and corral the mechs into the space where they can be disassembled.

The choices have not even begun at this point, it's all still in the preamble to set the story. The cutscene continues with having two small but very nimble mechs herded into the garage to be taken apart. Notably however, they are still operational and are still quite dangerous. So everyone piles out of their cars and posts up next to the entrance of the garage. This eventuality has been planned for, as a great many large logs of wood have been piled next to the door. The plan is that once they try to escape out of the building, the group pushes over the logs and either disables the mechs by damaging them or makes the ground so unstable that they pitch over.

This is not what happens, however. The logs get released, but nothing comes out the door. At least, not what was expected. Instead, some old guy appears at the door and informs everyone that they are to be recruited into an unrelated conflict. No one has any idea what this means, but people begin falling immediately ill and the player is presented with the first choice: let the illness take you, or reach into your mouth. I opt to reach in, and pull out a fully grown emperor scorpion. Unfortunately, this is something of a false choice, as once you pull it out another one appears. Eventually the player character succumbs, and falls into a coma.

It fades back in to a command centre, where all of the people that were present at the time of the en-scorpioning happened. As the old man said, they are now fighting an ongoing war against a fully unseen threat. The way that this manifests however is wholly unique. It is shown that if power is lost in the conn, or if a majority of people fall asleep, random objects will turn into other things. Such as: a mouse (the input device) turning into a tennis ball with a string tied to it, or a input panel turns into a bunch of chewing gum pellets. These changes are reversible, but while the changes have occurred the object can act as a conduit for the person we are fighting against. This makes maintaining a defence very difficult, as one might imagine.

So it follows that a lot of preventative maintenance must be done to ensure constant operations, as well as aggressively staggered shifts to make sure that too many people don't fall asleep. Additionally, this change and control extends to the world at large, so it's very difficult and dangerous to trust the outward appearance of anything. This manifests in a number of choices you have to make going forward. A consistent thing that comes up is finding resources of varying kinds left out inside something that could be construed as a mouth. I am aware enough to not trust them when I come across them, and will only extract the stuff if I have something I can prise them loose with, without risking a limb.

Soon, after doing random tasks to keep the lights on (literally) I have some free time to explore a nearby shopping centre. As I do so, however, a cascading changing event happens. First it's small things, but as random people succumb, it starts changing big things. Until entire stores now are subject to the will of this unseen adversary. I will say at this point, that while the first examples I gave were relatively innocuous, the changes and animation of these things very much has the vibes of the flesh technology in Videodrome, which is to say POWERFULLY unnerving.

Eventually, the character I'm playing as gets stuck in one of these spaces with no way out, and gets engulfed. Shockingly, however, he does not die, nor has anyone else in this event. We've all been taken to an auditorium, where a lecture is taking place. As it happens, it's the old man who is responsible for the change at the garage and the person this war was ostensibly against. It turns out however, that the whole point of this conflict is to prepare us for an even greater threat. He has been holding off another entity that has far more destructive potential that has only sporadically made attempts to change things on earth. While they are similar in their manifestations, the old man can change things into others that look similar whereas the otherworldly entity can only change things that have a similar function. In their first attempt, they turned a pair of glasses that someone was wearing into a focal element of a ridiculously powerful laser, and destroyed the entire building that person was in.

The character I'm playing as begins to freak out, because they wear glasses and want to know if they are going to become a vector for the destruction this entity wants to wreak on earth. Some vague dream-logic justification is given on how that won't happen, and it is about here that I woke up.

[ameliaashdale]

My Autism Saga

Episode II: Duality of Disability

Recap:

A young girl with autism comes to realizes that she is an autistic woman in the modern world, even though the world itself is stuck between false progress and a fight for the dreams the old world tried to promise to everyone.

Today's Episode:

Amelia delves deeper into her strengths while being countered with drawbacks.

I have gone through my own sort of character arc throughout the years. Once upon a time, I was "The Girl": well-meaning but often approaches the problem in the worst way. Intelligent but unable to do other basic things (book smart as opposed to street smart). Often, she was considered brash and impulsive because she was dedicated to being more than she was. After all, every child wants to be seen as grown up in some way or another. Grown-ups are cool because they can stay up late, make their own choices, and be an icon in their own way. However, every grown-up and child has two things in common: strengths and weaknesses. Strengths are things you hone, while weaknesses can and often should be overcome.

For myself and a lot of other people on the spectrum, not every strength is something people recognize. Not every weakness can be overcome. Our strengths can be seen as weaknesses: like being hyperfixated on something not traditionally beneficial (like obsessing over the politics of the monarchy in a high fantasy novel/ studying the creation and design of your favorite line of dolls, as opposed to studying chemical compounds in cells/ not really focusing on the intricacies of the financial problems they make for their parents and themselves by not being able to a job in high school) can lead to that person being scrutinized for not trying hard enough in the important areas. Not everyone is going to like fictional politics; some people might obsess over real-world injustices and how different policies have always been in place to keep them down. Some people might know about every kind of mechanism that goes into trains, but subways and train stations can overwhelm them with the various sounds and smells.

We all vary in certain aspects of our disability. We are all valid, and all of us will need acceptance. Sometimes, we need more accommodations than we did as a child; for other people, it may be the opposite or the same thing. Sometimes, our interests change, as do our views on ourselves.

As "The Girl" slowly and steadily went through her own erratic hero's journey, it gave way to a more stable sort of personality. I am, or at least was, "The Girl." (You may call me Lady Amelia if you would prefer to put a name to my face.)

I have realized that sometimes, yes. I was irrational in school. I got overwhelmed very easily when I needed to work for long periods of time. I often screamed and cried, and it cost me in the long run. I don't have a very good understanding of what it's like to be praised as frequently as my peers, who didn't like me very well. I've never had a true friend in my class, my grade, or outside of school. I am constantly triggered by the memories of teachers constantly shushing me or repeatedly screaming, "No talking!"

I understand how to handle being when i am overwhelmed; i can recognize when I need a break and will tell people that I need to leave and decompress. If I can not leave immediately, then I try to keep calm as opposed to just screaming. My threshold for work based stress is higher than it used to be. I try to work as long and as hard as I can. I also understand how to communicate my stress in a less violent and disruptive way.

Of course, I can overwork myself and get burnt out. I might then neglect the activity (as in, talking on the phone to someone, trying to hold down a childcare job, or drafting a atory) for days, weeks, or even months on end. To avoid getting more distressed, I often avoid conflict as best as I can. I might also shut down entirely, just to avoid disappointing or scaring the remaining people I have.

Lacking positive relationships has been a hindrance for me. I want to interact with people; I want a connection beyond someone using me for a laugh or as an example of how not to act in a classroom. Alongside other common experiences in life, it would also help with my writing.

I love to write stories. I love to come up with new ideas from what I see and how I feel. If I have to walk somewhere in the rain, but I'm feeling pretty good about what will happen when I reach my destination: it's a teenage girl's lonely, rough journey that she is taking to get her dying kid sister some life saving medicine. It's a casual walk that two friends are taking because because it's not freezing out at least, and being stuck in the apartment for the whole week has been boring as shit.

The deep friends might have a casual chat that turns into something more--probably not deeply romantic (if at all), but it could be. I honestly don't know how to handle romance because I don't really have any experience with that. I actually struggle with simple, realistic conversations outside of plot specific moments. Sometimes, I even struggle with explaining things in the plot (The American Jedi is something I am constantly trying to rewrite because of that.)

I love using rich vocabulary. Fancy words are something I love--and fancy words can make fancy phrases if strung together the right way. Sometimes, I can forge an entire sixth sentence paragraph about how a monstrous entity has grimy, lice infested pores and reeks of the abysmally toxic sewers beneath the industrial hellscape it resides in. Other times, I can't even tell you why the red-headed girl is in love with her best friend other than "Oh, yes, this was all too familiar to them."

When I do interact with people, I don't really understand that the tone that they are using is just them joking because I don't have the time to process what they are saying. Sometimes, I react too quickly and stutter incoherently, or my words get blended together; other times, I don't respond because I am thinking, but then they scream at me for not answering fast enough. Meanwhile, I can understand subtleties and allegories when they are written out or shown in a way that I can recognize. I can make connections based on my special interests.

Example:

I love european history, and I also love studying disease, specifically The Black Death, and how it affected the lives of the peasants (the symptoms and how the sick were treated because of them, the religious response in this time of great despair, how it lead to dramatic changes in the real world and interpretations of the event. I love video games and the lore behind them, specifically The MMORPG Runescape. It's set in the mostly medieval/Renaissance world of Gielinor, and the game features a take on the Black Death. (I never got to play that quest because I lacked the spped and dexterity to react to fighting enemies properly. I mean: I can't even kick a soccer ball or hit anything other than foul balls in softball, so why would I be good at fast-paced games, like Metroid Prime or even Runescape? I can click a mouse, but I'm not really fast enough to select different attacks. Also, I am not patient enough to grind for XP constantly. Seriously though--why did i play this game outside of the lore??.)

So then i translate that into fanfiction. Remember how the teenage girl is going on an epic quest to save her sister from a terrible illness that will rob her of her life otherwise? The girl was named Nerine Elmwood, and she was a wannabe adventurer. She often got into tomboy antics that her little sister couldn't even fathom taking part in herself. As a result, Emily was often at odds with her big sister. But they loved each other, so much so that when Emily came down with the infamous "Plague of West Ardourgne," Nerine went crazy. She decided to travel to the epicenter of the outbreak, the titular city of West Ardougne, to find out if the rumors of a cure could save her sister.

I also incorporated a lot of other lore from the game, like how Nerine's family is Saradominist (think Christianity, but it's just one big arrogant God with blue skin, an army of angels, and vengeance on his side.) She grapples with her own beliefs (why would Saradomin allow such darkness into the light of his devoted followers? Am I wrong for leaving my sister? What if she dies anyways?)

I never finished this fanfiction past the basic plot premise, though I must admit the concept I presented is a lot neater than the original stories I wrote for Nerine. Nerine went through her own character arc: discovering her own abilities beyond the sword, coming to realize the value of her loved ones and their desires, and how her actions affect them and herself. How not every well-intended action can lead to a perfect ending, and that sometimes things can't be met with force.

Nerine was the girl I wanted to be growing up.

Now I am a grown-up, and I am going through another arc of my own.

Another arc, another Saga.

Next Episode:

Amelia recounts her special interests in depth.

[pointofreturn]

professor's pet, pt. 1

I was always a model student. Always the teacher’s pet.

Intelligence was my earliest form of worthiness. People told me over and over how smart and well-spoken I was. In second grade, I was placed in a third-grade reading class. Gifted for fourth grade. I read books instead of playing with the other kids and spent middle school lunches with my nose between Edgar Allan Poe poems or Faulkner short stories. I aced every advanced English class, received praise for even the shittiest papers, and received perfect scores on state writing tests. I completed both my bachelor’s and master’s degrees in English with a focus on American Literature. I was accepted and offered full funding to two prestigious Ph.D. programs at famous southern schools. And I would have finished my doctorate if not for this dreaded tale I’m about to tell you.

Naturally, as a reader, I am also a writer. Mother saved all of the stories I wrote through grade school. I won an award in fourth grade for a story about a purple hairbrush. I wrote and illustrated a children’s book about squirrels with family conflict. All of the creative stories have one thing in common—they are infused with bits and pieces of my life.

I’ve always been one to speak from experience.

Writing was always something I enjoyed and I was objectively good at it, but my internal doubt ruined my ability to properly see my potential.

*

His name surrounds me months before I ever see him. He’s one of the more popular professors, and I’d come to learn that was for good reason. I started taking classes at Another University because I was determined to finally finish my bachelor’s. I started talking to people about the research I was interested in, what I liked to read and write.

“You have to meet him,” they say.

“You two will really get along. You’re so similar!”

“Have you talked to ______? He might be interested in picking your brain.”

I’m accepted to the honors program where I’m tasked with writing my first thesis. I settle on a comparative study on F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald’s tandem novels, This Side of Paradise and Save Me the Waltz, arguing that Scott’s patriarchal plagiarism and creative control directly contributed to Zelda’s mental and physical disabilities. It wasn’t profound, but Zelda’s novel is my favorite book ever, so I had to write about it. All my professors and peers tell me I should get his input on my work.

How I sometimes wish we hadn’t been pushed to cross paths.

How I sometimes wish I’d never met him.

*

After I decided to save myself, I finished inpatient treatment and figured the best way forward was to go back to college. I’d gathered a handful of credits from the two schools I’d been to previously and even though my heart was originally called by a music or art major, my head determined that I should be practical. English, I thought, was a path that could lead me to an attainable career in teaching or editing but would still allow me to engage with my creativity.

And given that it was my best subject, it made sense.

Several of my English professors had a profound impact on my life. My first creative writing teacher was at the local community college I said I’d never go to but have my associate’s degree from. He was in his early forties and kind of looked like Jason Bateman if you squinted the right way. His class was nonfiction-focused, so we spent a lot of time writing about ourselves. Easy enough. During our final meeting, he told me I should keep writing about my life. I’d had other people tell me to write a book, but he was the first to suggest writing a memoir, the first to suggest that my chaotic life was worth talking about.

I had an English professor in Tampa who assigned the book that taught me the truth about chattel slavery and the Native American genocide. He looked like a mix of Albert Einstein and Eugene Levy, always smelled like stale cigarettes and coffee, and was a notoriously hard grader. He was the first to give me a C on a paper, but he let me revise it and pushed me to be a better academic writer. Later, he awarded me a coveted A- on a paper about southern high schools teaching intentional misinformation on the Civil War and slavery. His only criticism was that I was too emotional, that I brought too much of myself into the subject.

After another health incident, I had to move back home, once again, but I was impatient to finally finish my bachelor’s degree. It had been nearly five years since I graduated high school and I was starting to feel behind in more ways than one. I transferred to Another University.

I grew up going to classes with Mother at AU. Another school I swore I would never go to and now have two degrees from. I distinctly remember a class she brought me to when I was four or five years old. We did a taste test—bitter, salty, sweet, sour. Each flavor was on a toothpick and we had to place the wood on a different section of our tongue to see where we got the strongest reaction. I have no idea what it was supposed to prove. But I loved the classroom, I loved watching the professor, I loved the feeling of belonging with the other students.

Another University birthed and destroyed my academic life.

*

I sit in an office with Josephine, my honors seminar professor. She is youthful and beautiful, blonde with a full, bright smile and spring-water eyes. Josephine will come to be one of my favorites over the years, one who sticks with me through my master’s thesis.

We’re waiting for her to introduce me to him.

“I think your project has a lot of potential,” she affirms. “I’m really excited to hear what he has to say. You have aligned research interests and I’m sure he’ll have some source recommendations for you to take this further.”

I smile and nod. I’m always nervous about meeting new people, but he responded politely enough to my email asking for a meeting. I was just getting in my head.

Josephine shuffles some papers around on her desk to break up the awkwardness. A figure passes outside her door.

“Oh! Dr. ______!”

I turn around to catch a glimpse of feathery blonde hair and the tail of a tweed coat. His body backtracks a few steps and stands in the doorway.

The world goes quiet.

Who are you? Did I know you from somewhere before?

I now completely understand his popularity. His looks alone are enough to tempt any of the academically needy English girls. Who wouldn’t want to sit alone in his office, listening intently to anything and everything he has to say about what you’ve written, all while secretly hoping for a hint that he’s interested in more than just your paper. His charming personality and hospitable mannerisms were just the cherry on top of a seemingly perfect package.

Josephine speaks again, beaming between the two of us stopped in time. “This is Mollie Steven, the undergraduate honors student you’re meeting with this afternoon.”

He opens his mouth and honey whiskey comes out.

“Mollie.”

He says my name and I don’t know if I’ll hear anything in the world ever again.

He leads me to his office and we sit down to have a conversation about my thesis. I can’t remember a single detail of the conversation but I will always remember the way he looked at me. I’ll always remember the way he shifted uncomfortably in his desk chair, obviously nervous. Despite the gossip I hear about his effortless confidence and charm, able to flirt with a light pole and all that, he stutters over his words and lets me lead the conversation. I think he asks a few questions about my personal life—where I’m from and went to school, normal things like that.

I knew immediately that there was a mutual attraction between us. And what was worse, some kind of instant, magnetic connection. Sticking your finger in a light socket and all that. I was still dating Seb, but this was the first man I’d felt something for in years. He felt something for me too, however fleeting or insignificant.

Our “story” spans over six years. It doesn’t have a happy ending, but why would I have ever expected it to?

[elinorwritesstuff]

I forgot that I sent you these messages a while ago. Because of that, I had to reread my message before. And, of course, too many errors on my part. I really hate noticing grammatical errors in my messages.

Sadly.. No. I've been distracted by some personal affairs happening in my life since the last time we talked. I'm still in the "research" phase in my writing. I write down notes any time ideas come to mind but I just haven't actually written any part of my story (for any fandom). But I'm wanting to. I blame personal events happening in life at the moment.

I'm most likely going to now. Like I already told you.. Asperger's is just one of my diagnoses. And I know for some autistic people, there are a lot who mask their autism to seem "normal" for people who may even judge them. I was never like that. I was the person who believed that I should be accepted who for I am, including my flaws (flaws being any disabilities I have in this situation). I never wasted my time pretending to be someone else. And, in a way, I feel the same way about fictional characters in my own story. I know original characters are often some idealized version of whoever you'd want that character to be. Well.. So maybe. Depends on the character. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else. But I feel like I can't pretend to be a normal neurotypical person even if I tried, even for characters. Because I'm not "normal" in any way. At least based on what has been said to me before. Because I also tend to have conflicted feelings about myself, because of who I am as a disabled person.. Writing a disabled character may even help feel differently about myself. And if this character is involved in some relationships (romantic and platonic) with canon characters, that just might also help with accepting yourself in different ways in that way. Find ways to write yourself in characters that can be more self-loving, more accepting of yourself if you have mixed feelings about yourself.

If it wasn't already obvious.. I tend to have conflicted feelings about who I am as a person. So this could also be self healing in some ways. My feelings depend on how I'm feeling that day. Like today, I've really feeling completely self-loathing about myself in every way possible.

Exactly! That's how I feel. If I see an extremely accurate portrayal of a disabled character, either that person has that or is knowledgeable of their research. But then there are portrayals of disabled characters in media that are so horrible isn't even close to that specific disability. And then there are situations where the disabled character in written horribly, but you enjoy the character because of how the actor would portray that character. Which has happened a few times for me.

That's fine.

The Gangsta. fandom is how I found you. I've read most of the story, and I'll have to go back into reading it again soon too. Because I tend to enjoy a lot of interesting series that have smaller fandoms way too often. Not the first time that happened. The series should be so much more popular than it is. And I don't know why it isn't either.

I'm not a fast reader. So if there is ever a time when I'm watching this foreign show or movie, I have to rewatch a couple times to fully grasp what was said or done. Pausing, rewinding and pausing, rewatching a foreign media that I have interest in.. That has to be done a few times for me. If I watched it a lot, then I won't always have to worry because I've rewatched it enough times to know what happens in the series.

Okay, here's another six-month-late ask response. And I feel bad because I reply to your messages literally in my head when I read them, and then I take forever to write them down.

Okay so OF COURSE you found me through Gangsta; thinking back to your first ask it makes so much more sense. I will tell you a secret. The day before your first ask, someone liked a bunch of my DMC fics, and then I got my first ever follower on this blog and it was someone with a very similar handle, so I just kinda assumed it was you. I am not an L level detective.

And Kohske is such a great example of like, she isn't deaf like Nic (I don't think she has hearing loss, at least), but I know that she has a chronic illness (I think it's a form of lupus), and I feel like that affects how she writes twilights and makes them a much more interesting portrayal of the "I have super powers and also a disability" type character. Like, not to knock Daredevil, but instead of "I have a disability and a superpower that conveniently helps me deal with it," it's like, "I have super soldier powers, but also a chronic illness that sucks and affects me like it would anyone else." Like I want to believe that really good authors can do a great job writing outside their experience, but I also think her own experience must be part of why she's so good at writing her particular story. And the fact that she did such a good job with Nic made it much easier to jump in as a hearing person and write him.

Speaking of L, and what you're saying about not writing neurotypical characters, like I just want to throw it out there that I want to read works about autistic characters (canon or OC) written by autistic people. Like not just autistic characters specifically, I want to read characters with all sorts of things outside my experience. But like, I'm neurodivergent but not autistic (I was confused about whether I was neurodivergent for a long time, but apparently PTSD is "acquired neurodivergence," meaning that it comes from how life has affected my brain, and that explains why I have half the symptoms of ADHD and not the other half. But I'm going on a tangent.), and also selfishly I have some probably-autistic characters I want to write some day (I dream of writing an L/OC fic, and there's also a character from an otome I like that I want to write), and I've found the best way to learn to write something outside of your experience is to read things written by people who actually have that experience. So go write! (I mean if that's something you want to do right now.

And I really like what you said about the idea of writing canon characters accepting your OC as a way to help accept yourself.

[ofmd-fanart-archive]

FAQ

Here are some questions I expect might be asked often, which will be added as we go:

Q1: You tagged my art incorrectly. This artwork was not intended as [ship], [theme], etc.

A: If that's the case, please let me know and I'll adjust the tags. This is meant to be a tool for the community and the fandom, but most of all to give some visibility to the artists - it's important to me things are tagged appropriately.

Q2: I have a request for a new tag/I want certain subject matter to be tagged.

A: You can drop new tag suggestions via ask box, or message box. I can't guarantee I'll comply, depending on how often this subject comes up, or if it makes sense.

Q3: I submitted my art to you but I haven't seen it reblogged yet. Why was my submission ignored?

A: Depending on how many submissions I'll get, it might take some time to reblog all the art and tag it appropriately. Remember I am running this blog alone, and I am a disabled working adult so I might not be able to catch up with all the messages. Please be patient.

Q4: I'm a beginner artist, and I'm not sure my art qualifies for submission.

A: That's absolutely okay! This blog is meant to congregate art of all skill levels. Is it ofmd-related and is it fanart? Then it qualifies.

Q5: I don't like that you reblogged [x] subject matter, [x] ship, or [x] user.

A: This blog is not focused on getting followers, and this is not a personal blog. I anticipate I won't love all the art posted here myself, but this is irrelevant. This is an archive and that means all posts that qualify are included. The tags are here so all these matters can be blocked if needed. If you're not sure how to block tags, you may see this Tag Filtering Guideline.

Q6: I don't like that you reblog too much/don't reblog enough [x] subject matter

A: By all means, suggest the kind of artwork you'd like to be here - it doesn't need to be your own art, any ofmd art can be submitted.

Q7: Can I submit my fanvids/gifsets/fics?

A: Unfortunately, no - this blog is focused on fanart as in visual art: painting, drawing, etc. If I had the time and mental capacity to make more archive blogs I definitely would. If this is something you'd like to see you're absolutely free to set up your own archive - I'd be more than happy to see it!

Q8: What does disqualify art from getting submitted?

A: As far as I can imagine now, not much, thought that might change along the line. Posts that include art from multiple fandoms might not be eligible as I want this blog to focus on ofmd, the exception being crossover art. Anything AI generated, as I believe it does not constitute fanart, so if you see anything that you recognise to be Ai on the blog, please report it.

I might also refrain from reblogging anything that's meant to be inflammatory - art that is meant to incite conflict and fandom in-fighting.

Q9: I saw you reblogged a random non ofmd-related post. Was it on purpose or...?

A: Oh god no. You can bet I'm pretty embarrassed about that but Tumblr mobile is dumb enough it keeps changing the order of blogs on my quick reblog function and I'm dumb enough not to notice. Sorry. I'll probably delete them very soon 👉👈

[miniar]

You can work on body neutrality in regards to how you see your own body too. You don't have to love your body to be okay being in it.

A truce is all you need to be okay.

I'm disabled and transgender and there are days that I come into conflict with my meat suit, but I wouldn't be here without it, and here can have some nice things that I could not access without it either.

A really good cup of coffee. The feeling of warmth as I sink into a hot bath. The way chocolate melts and spreads flavour through my mouth. The smell of roses. The way the beat hits, the way the music moves the soul, the way that lyric breaks my hear, or the way that lyric syncs up to the fury I carry in my heart. The way the sunlight heats the back of my coat on a cold winter's day. The heat and pressure of the dog leaning heavily against my legs as I lay in bed. The sound of my birds, chirping away, cheerfully eating the treat I brought them. Seeing my orchids bloom again, growing and blossoming under My care.

None of this are things I would have if I wasn't in this body.

The sound of my loved ones' voices. My boyfriend meowing at me for attention like the nerd he is, like the nerd I am. My dad calling me just because he wants to talk. A friend sending me a stupid meme because they thought of me when they said it. Hearing my offspring playing my guitar in their room, each day a little clearer, each day a little better than the last.

There are a thousand other things, little joys, and also a thousand other things that are little pains.

The point is, without the bodies we have, now, today, we wouldn't have any of the joys, and the little joys are so very worth having.

I have not known a day without physical pain for so long I don't really know what that would feel like. I have been tired for so long that "well rested" doesn't sound like a real thing. I have lived with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember.

And there are days where the body becomes so heavy to carry, so loud in it's problem, it's pain, and I find that I really do not like what I see in the mirror. There are days I find I just don't like anything about my body at all. There's nothing there that I can find to point at and go "but at least that's nice".

Those are the days I stop looking at what it is, and remind myself of everything it lets me do, lets me experience. Those are the days I go get myself a treat, or make myself an extra nice cup of coffee, or go find a game, or movie, or music, anything that gives me that jolt of positive sensory feedback, and remind myself that I don't have to love my body, I don't even have to like my body, to enjoy this moment, and that can be enough.

And then I also remind myself that just because I can't see what others see, doesn't mean they're wrong. Life really is like a box of chocolates in that we all have our favorites, and we all have opinions as to which pieces aren't good, and that's okay. Find someone who 100% disagrees with you on which pieces are the good ones and swap boxes and all you get is the good ones. Same with people.

I don't have to "like what I see" when I look in the mirror. I'm not the one who's dating me.

body neutrality is NOT, "so long as you're happy and healthy, your body is a good body". it's about getting rid of the idea of a "good body" at all. it's saying that your body is A BODY, and having a body is a neutral feature of all humans. it's saying that specific bodies shouldn't be focussed on more than others, because all bodies are bodies

when you say "so long as you're happy and healthy", you're not actually helping. because. unless you've put in the hard work of deconstructing what you think "happiness" and "healthiness" look like, I can guarantee "happy and healthy" is just going to loop back to ableism and fatphobia

[strangerpages]

Zero Space: Dissenting Realities

Part 2.

In the pursuit of wisdom, I would like to define for myself some basics about "reality" and what that word means to me; and by extension, redefine my beliefs. I'll start by establishing some more premises.

OR: Objective Reality. I will assume for the sake of this argument that there is an objective reality, that functions consistently and follows a set of rules, even if we don't understand those rules in their entirety. I can't know that this is true for sure, but it seems*very* likely.

SR: Subjective (or Simulated) Reality. As a human being, I have in my mind a model of reality that I use to make decisions. This model is informed by input from my senses, learned knowledge, past experience, and intuition. I can use this model of reality to catch a ball if it's thrown to me (most of the time) or to make tea for my partner without asking (they almost always want tea).

mSR: (m is a variable to represent different internal models of reality.) I have multiple models of reality, run by different parts of my mind simultaneously. I know I have at least 2 models; the one(s) primarily responsible for all this logical wankery, and the one(s) responsible for maintaining all my other functions. Let's call them the Conscious and Unconscious minds for now, because I'm basic. (1SR and 0SR). I believe there are at least two models involved because they often come into conflict with each other, and because one of them is much better at driving my car. (Spoiler alert, it's not 1SR.)

p.mSR: (p is a variable that represents a person.) Other people exist, who also have their own models of reality. I know I can't prove it, but I don't find solipsism very useful. I don't care if other people actually exist or not; I believe for good reason they exist and I'm going to continue to treat them like they do. Yes this includes animals. Yes, even if I'm going to eat them. (p is a variable, to represent another person. It can be replaced with a number to represent that specific person.)

SR does not equal OR: My subjective reality is the only reality I have direct access to. My models of reality has been good enough to keep me alive (so far) but they have holes and flaws and are missing information. My models of reality are constantly changing as I receive new information or alter the perimeters of my simulation. (For example, my partner does not usually want tea if it's morning, they want coffee instead.)

p.mSR is equal to "A Mind". This is just a working definition of what a mind is.

0.mSR is me: let's say for the sake of argument that "I" am the collection of simulations running on the hardware of my body.

p.mSR can change OR: Anything that affects a person's decision making can affect objective reality. If I decide to move a rock (or whatever), for whatever reason, then I have modified objective reality.

OR can change p.mSR: I think we can agree that if a rock, let's say, falls and smashes your noggin into pudding, your simulation(s) of reality are going to change (or cease). Less drastic examples can also change your simulated realities to differing degrees. I'm sure there are extreme disabilities that would affect the truth of this statement, but I'm not well informed on that subject.

If p.mSR can change OR, and OR can change p.mSR, then p.mSR can change p.mSR: People can change. You can change your own mind, and you can change other people's minds. This process may not be easy, and it will probably involve altering OR first.

If p.mSR can change p.mSR, then 0.mSR can change 0.mSR.

I am capable of changing my own mind.

[fluffypotatey]

watching Leverage: episode 2

ok i made myself some pb&js and i am off to ep 2

spoilers, duh

thoughts before i watch:

i feel so conflicted about sophie/nathan and not in the way you think

i feel conflicted as in i don't know if i want to know all the details of their history together

like i love just the added layer that says "these two knew each other and had something in the past but have drifted apart for reasons"

so it's a "tell me!" but also "don't tell me! let them be mysterious about it!"

so will the next episode kick off from the last one? or will it be like a little time skip and some cons later kind of thing?

i'm fine with either because with the time skip, it helps alleviate the stress of building new character dynamics in a way. like, they're still new and some character will clash at first, but it's lessened a little (or not and that will be one of the major conflicts in the episode).

but i also like seeing how they work immediately after, seeing the awkward kind of team up and such. do they hang out after a con? do they live together or is that just the base of operations?

but enough of me talking about that. let's get into it!

le thoughts while i watch:

ok apparently the site i was using crashed so i spent....too long (for my patience) finding another BUT I DID IT

got worried for a second because the first scene was not with our gang and thought i accidentally clicked on an army show

rip the soldiers you seemed like fine dudes, you probably would have joined a frat

right off the bat we have deaths. like i know i said i'd wait but this is episode 2! AND it came out of nowhere!!!!

ooooh we talking about veteran insurance??? and how the govt just sort of drops them if they're disabled???....yeah, this is gonna be heavy

"i'm sorry [talking about how the guy's finacee left him after the incident]" "i'm not mad, it happens" when i tell you my heart BROKE. no! no it shouldn't!!!

also the site..... is buffering on me..... and i WILL commit crimes if i cannot watch this episode

i am glad the doctor is looking after the dude tho, but she's upset that she has to let him down and my HEART

"you know this is a soap commercial right?" god, i love you sophie, make that soap commercial a soap opera

"peggy killed her first husbanD" I LOVE HER

they made their own office goddam

ok so did they just, not talk after the first gig? did they go their separate ways and just hope that one day they'd do another heist again? it seems like nathan and alec kept in touch but what about everyone else????

elliot i want to know your life

how can one know a type pf gun from the sound of its gunshot???

wow, they really just exPOSED lobbyist corruption with the government huh....damn

oh i wanna punch that congressman

so many things happening what is going on???

holy shit whyyyyy were they shooting army men??? they were gonna kill perry in cold blood. puppy eyes perry??? perry who was practicing physical therapy after hours be himself T^T because he knows his days in that hospital is limited???

parker is so cute, sure she's probably committed arson, but that means nothing

alec is the best, i love him, he's my boy

"yeah i hack the camera just give a minute or two--" *elliot just throws a rock* "...or steal my thunder why don't you"

no matter who's together, the ot3's chemistry is *chef's kiss*

parker was just WAITING for an excuse to blow up that door akdjsd i love her AND ALEC'S EXPRESSION I LOVE

ALEC MY BOY

"this is racial isn't it?" i cackled so hard.

man that congressman switched up so fast lmao then got caught

nathan bought a tesla.....i am so sorry all i can think of it present news lmao

it is nice to have a heist show where like....nothing goes wrong

everything that they planned for happens and if there are things that go left, they have a backup for it that they use and it's so.... n i c e and refreshing to watch a show like that

general thoughts:

like, i knew there would be episodes that criticize corporations and there'd be discussion of government corruption but....episode two???? they really aren't pulling any punches

also how they show the struggle a lot of disabled veterans go through because they don't have a funded safety net. like the doctor for perry really wants to help, and you can see that when she lectures nathan about trying to scam perry (he wasn't but from the outside, it's not hard to understand why she thought that). it hurts her to have to try and help these people who just want to get better, but have such limiting resources to the point that she has to turn them away after a couple months.

nathan is very much still a firm believer that this gang of crooks can become a gang of good crooks. and this is really sweet. you can see that they gang still helps him with the heist even if they can't believe that they are good people. but i like the ending for this because they're acknowledging that yeah, it felt great to help return the money to the people who needed it, and maybe they'd like to do this again.

moral of the story: corporations get fucked and i am enjoying it

remember kids, cleaning blood money works better with cold water, not shooting witnesses. that just adds to the dirt.

[thescarsilivewith-if]

As a disabled person, it's really affirming ti me that all of the ROs are disabled. Like it's rare enough to see one of the ROs in a game be disabled (and a lot have over twice as many as you do), which adds to the feelings of being an outcast, and even when they do, it's always treated as a Big Deal and like the main plot point of their romance arc, which admittedly is kind of uncomfortable to me. Like don't get me wrong, being disabled is a huge part of my life, but it's not some hurdle to overcome if you want to date me and the ~climactic scene of my romance arc~ isn't going to be me dumping my trauma about my disability and then we start making out. Like I've never known anyone who's gotten horny over that lmao and I tend to just be emotionally exhausted. Basically I appreciate that disabled characters are the norm rather than being othered and that they're not portrayed as Disability Rep: The Person, but rather just as regular people. It means so so much to me you don't even know.

This ask honestly warmed my heart. I have always been a nit baffled by the lack of disabled characters in fiction, especially historical fiction. Kaela was heavily inspired by Francis, Duke of Anjou and Alençon - I happened to watch a documentary about his life and it was very eye-opening. He suffered from smallpox at a young age and though he survived he was heavily disfigured, so much so that his nose was said to appear split in half. That didn't stop him from having a lavish life, taking many male and female lovers and coming the closest to marry Queen Elizabeth I (she too had to cover her smallpox scars with makeup).

I thought to myself, illnesses now eradicated were part of the daily life and they did not discriminate between poor or wealthy. It's very plausible to have such an illness in a fantasy setting, and so Kaela was born as you know them.

I also dislike the narrative that the disability has to be portrayed as the main conflict of a character. Yes, it has shaped them, yes it is an integral part of them but it's by far all there is to them. A bit like sexuality, it's only a part of what defines someone as a person.

Naja too has adjusted their life to live with their selective mutism, but again it is only just a part of them.

Thank you for your words, I am truly happy to do my part for how little it is - in this.

[hazel2468]

I'm not talking to Republicans. I'm talking to the people falling for the fact that EVERY SINGLE TIME someone points out that Trump is literally planning to murder queer people and host a Christo-fascist take over of the USA. Someone decides to come into the comments. And make it about the hot-button topic of Israel and Palestine.

Gee. That's not a distraction tactic at all.

It feels like you saw my post, where I'm pissed because APPARENTLY we have all forgotten that an online push against voting Democrat in order to get Trump in office by foreign actors who would benefit from having that fascist cunt in office HAS LITERALLY ALREADY HAPPENED and now we're just acting like it's a coincidence that every single discussion about how Trump is fucking Evil and wants to kill queers and people of color and basically everyone who isn't him and his cronies turns into some rando with a bio and profile identical to a bajillion others doing the exact same thing saying the exact same shit about "Genocide Joe", trying to dissuade people from voting.

But you're right. We do think about voting in two different ways. In that I actually give a fuck what happens to people other than myself, and I'm not going to sacrifice this country (and every other) on the altar of getting my little online uwu brownie points. I see your tags- "you're alienating me" do you want to talk about fucking alienating?

Do you want to talk about how I have been a supporter of a Palestinian state and a peaceful two state solution since I was old enough to know what this conflict was? Do you want to talk about how I have, since I was a CHILD, been told by racist bigots to go back to Israel, where "Jews like you belong"? Do you want to talk about how, in the last decade, I have been pushed out of every single space that I was promised was made for people like me- queer, disabled, women (when I was one) because I am a Jew and that's apparently the biggest crime on earth? Do you want to talk about how I see people DAILY cheering the murder of twelve fucking hundred, that is one thousand, two hundred, of my people? Do you want to talk about how my friends and family have been harassed and fucking assaulted for being Jewish in public? Do you want to talk about how the political Left in America has abandoned every single Jew, in a time when antisemitic hate crimes have been rising since Trump took office?

You want to talk about alienation? How about seeing people fall, hook, line, and sinker, for the same bullshit that they fell for in 2016.

Fuck YOU for real. Biden isn't perfect but he's the president who's fucking putting pressure on Netanyahu to stop being a fascist fucking asshole. You may sit here and have the fucking privilege to decide not to vote, but if Trump wins? Then every single person I love and hold dear is at risk. My family is queer. My family is Jewish. My friends across the fucking ocean in Israel and Palestine will not fucking survive this. Trump will do NOTHING but give Bibi the go ahead to fucking destroy Palestine. And the fact that you and people like you think that abstaining to vote because oh Biden isn't the perfect President... You say that I need to take your "moral choice" so seriously?

Your "moral choice" is avoiding the fucking level in the trolley problem because it makes you feel icky. Your refusal to fucking suck it up and vote for the person in this absolute DOGSHIT political system who will do less hard to people in American and abroad makes you fucking complicit in the harm that Trump will do if he is elected.

It's not bad enough that the entire American political left, people who in the past told me that they would stand up for me as a queer disabled person, is now telling me that not only do they not want to have me around by virtue of my Jewishness, that they think I and all my people would be better off dead. But you're also all fucking falling for this bullshit again.

I don't have the fucking privilege of being wishy-washy about this. I don't have the privilege of being able to sit around and whine about how Biden isn't perfect. He isn't. He is the bus that will get us to the closest stop and then fucking HELL we will try and get the bus line extended even further. Trump is a threat to everything that has gotten better in the last four years (and it HAS, I know you like to pretend it hasn't but shit HAS gotten better) and a threat to anything ever getting better again.

You want me to appeal to you? Fine. Here's an appeal.

What gets better if Trump gets elected? What gets WORSE if Trump gets elected? There's your fucking appeal. If you can't vote FOR Biden. Vote AGAINST Trump. Vote AGAINST the guy who actively supports Netanyahu. And maybe take a look at everything ELSE also going on, and understand that if you decide to sit this out and Trump wins? Palestinians aren't the only people he's fucking over.

Holy shit.

You know, to get political for a second.

It hasn't escaped my notice that every time someone brings up the presidential election. There is ALWAYS an early 20-somethings queer person in the comments or replies going on and on about how Biden won't help Palestine, about how Biden is doing a genocide, about how "Israel this and that" and like...

You're all fucking idiots for falling for this. You are. Because those people saying that shit are either the morons we see protesting who can't answer which river and which sea they're screaming about or who don't know what Hamas' charter says, OR they're the same fucking bots who appeared all over tumblr back before the 2016 election to try and convince all of us, using the hot political topics at the time, not to vote Dem. Because they had a vested interest in us not voting Dem.

And just to speak on the whole Palestine thing here... Do you really thing. That Trump. The racist fascist who openly wants to be a dictator. Who is buddy-buddy with Netanyahu, the other racist fascist who wants to be a dictator. Is going to do anything other than give Bibi the fucking green light to do anything he wants? If you think that Trump is going to be better for your "Pro-Palestine" movement (which, btw, is in quotes because the vast majority of the idiots supporting it don't know jack shit about what's going on and don't actually care about the Palestinian people, seeing as they have a habit of cheering for the terrorist organization that uses them as human shields, steals their money and aid for their own devices, and they have a lovely habit of attacking actual Palestinian peace activists who call them on it and ignoring what they say they actually need so...) than Biden? You're out of your fucking mind.

Holy shit I am not going to sit here and watch people fall for the same BS they did back in 2016. Israel and Palestine is the hot-button topic right now. Every time you see someone talking about how Trump has promised to roll back all the protections that the Biden/Harris admin has put in place, every time you see someone pointing out that the Republicans LITERALLY have a plan to fucking turn our country into an Evangelical hellscape, there is some fucking numbnuts in the notes, probably with a pride flag in their bio, wailing about "Genocide Joe".

And you all need to ask yourself why the hell there are all of these nearly-identical blogs. All doing the exact same thing every time someone tries to point out that another Trump term would see people literally dead and our country fucking torn apart, possibly forever. Use your fucking brains.

[hussyknee]

Hope youre staying safe in all the chaos! Just out of interest, what are your opinions on tourism to sri lanka at the moment?

I am quite safe, been parked at home well away from the capital. 😊 Tourists are 100% safe to come here, or at least as safe as any other South Asian country would be. Coming here would be a huge help to the economy actually, and people would probably bend over backwards for tourists because it's one of our arterial industries and it's all but dead in the water right now.

The protests have so far been peaceful, and foreigners have even pitched in for some of them, especially at Gotagogama. 😂The violence has come purely from state enforcers, and even they think twice about harrassing a foreign national. Situations only get out of hand and result in casualties when the cops keep escalating their attacks, because it's second nature for protestors by now to head towards a clash rather than away from it. The people erupted into violence exactly one day in May, and even then the riots targeted only government MPs and their assorted enforcers. No one else was harmed. And yes, we're as flabbergasted about that as anyone.

The thing about the Aragalaya (the People's Struggle, a purely groundswell movement all over the island, dedicated to ousting the Rajapaksas) is that we're very, very clear on what we want, which is the Rajapaksas and their cronies out and the current government dissolved. Because there are so many disparate groups and factions involved, whenever one starts picking a sidequest, the others step in like "what're you doing, you're putting all of us in danger". The Aragalaya also has many middle class urbanites and moderates in the mix, whose socioeconomic privileges shield the others from the kind of police brutality the poorer ones would receive. The price of that otoh, is staying "respectable" and proving that they're aligning themselves with people exercising their democratic rights and not unpredictable rabble-rousers.

Some of us have actually been talking about "protest tourism" in a jokey but semi-serious fashion, because the Aragalaya is so wonderful and unprecedented. Gotagogama (Gota Go Village) sprung up as an encampment that grew to an organic anarchist community, subsisting entirely on mutual aid and refusing gifts of money. I haven't been able to visit it myself because I'm not well enough to travel so far and be among a high-energy crowd, but I have never seen the disability community this visible or represented anywhere before. People in wheelchairs, disabled soldiers, Deaf and Blind people and their interpreters and guides, people with physical and facial differences of every race, class and gender. Also, LGBT people with rainbow flags flying high over the heads of Catholic nuns distributing food, imams leading prayers, Buddhist monks chanting pirith. Performance art, dances, musical shows, and paintings and sculptures of so many different traditions hung all around. "Unity" is a cosmetic concept for me, that spackles over unhealed hurts, conflicts and sins. But Gotagogama is the very definition of co-existence; people with drastically different values and worldviews who can live next to each other in a co-operative community just because there is no hierarchical power to exploit against one another. This is replicated in smaller scale in the GGG satellite communities in Kandy and other protest villages in the South. It's an extraordinary thing to witness an entire nation rising up against a common oppressor in such a peaceful fashion. It's rather terrible that I have never been able to see any of these in person except through a phone screen, due to lack of health, money and transport.

Which brings me to the actual sticking point - lack of fuel. Everyone is hoping and praying that the caretaker government we're waiting on will be able to negotiate some loans and aid relief to ease the fuel crisis in the coming weeks, but right now nobody outside Colombo can find a cab for love or money, the fuel queues are miles and days long. People are trying to work from home as much as possible, the few buses still running are packed, and it's a struggle to even get in deliveries on time. I've been stuck at home for two whole weeks. The hotels would keep you well supplied with food and essentials, but the cost of living is currently around 50% from where it was a few months ago, and the country is hurting for dollars, so it might not be the budget destination of your dreams. Otoh, 1 USD could buy someone a whole meal, and 1 in 2 children are in a state of health emergency, so I am unapologetically asking people to see this as an opportunity for poverty tourism. If you can help feed a child or give someone money for their meds, then I don't give a shit if you want to see how the poors live or starving children photos you want to take. Make this your Good Samaritan Summer or something.

The only people I don't want to come here are anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers. We have a robust culture of masking and vaccinating here because nobody has thought of dying of plague to own the liberals (yet, god forbid), and our vaccination drives have always been a point of national pride. But we're still way short of the vaccination targets, and masking has regrettably fallen by the wayside during the protests, the cases are spiking again and masking is non-negotiable for places of business like hotels. If you try to sneak into this country full of vulnerable malnourished people and a public health sector teetering on the verge of collapse by forging your vaccination papers, I will personally feed you to the crocodiles in Diyawanna Oya.

TL:Dr: please come, nobody's hurting foreigners, you're quite safe as long as you listen to the locals, we need your dollars desperately so choosing to come here for your tropical holiday fun is also a Good Samaritan act, transport will be an issue so don't plan to travel a lot though, and for the love of God, vaccinate yourself and mask up. ❤️

[maryellencarter]

so there's this word i can't remember.

i really reliably can't remember it, actually. i've been reminded what it is like half a dozen times over the years and it just never sticks. it's the only english word i've ever encountered that's that slippery for me. like yeah, i've never quite been arsed to memorize the full volcano-silicosis word because i think it's stupid that it was made up just to be the longest word when there's a shorter word people actually use for the same thing, but that's different. i remember enough of that word to google it if i need it, and that one also doesn't apply to my personal life.

so this word, which i find myself needing again. it's about conditions like being autistic or queer or disabled or like, an x-men mutant or whatever. it starts with an "e" probably, unless it doesn't, and what it means is, that you feel like the condition is a fundamental part of your identity and you wouldn't be yourself if it was taken away from you. there's an opposite word, which i *think* is just "non-[whatever this word is]", that means you feel like the condition is very much not part of your identity and you would like it to Stop if possible. (usually about conditions where that isn't possible.) currently my brain seems to be stuck on suggesting "endogenous/exogenous", which i know isn't correct.

point is, i fucking hate being autistic. or whatever the hell i am. it might just be a nasty case of undersocialization and c-ptsd caused by being raised in a very isolated situation by one person who was absolutely, inarguably autistic and one who was either autistic or really severely adhd in ways that affect social skills to the point it's extremely difficult to distinguish from autism. but either way, you can't "cure" what i've got, because you'd have to invent a way to supply thirty-odd years of undeveloped social skills as part of the cure. and i really fucking wish you could.

i've been with the same d&d group for five years and change. i love them. but i just ran into this issue again that i keep running into over the years. which is, that i tend to feel really left out and isolated once we get into the endgame, because i don't build the kind of massive emotionally investing backstory full of connections to the main plot that the other players do. our dm reminds me a whole lot of aaron allston, and you know i say that with all the respect in the world, but i can't play a main character in that style because it would literally kill me.

for this current campaign (our third, but i missed 90% of the second one due to schedule conflicts, which does *not* help with the feeling excluded thing at all because there are a bunch of references i still just completely don't understand), i basically haven't provided any backstory at all. i couldn't come up with anything i felt emotionally stable enough to handle. our dm provided some backstory conflict that i didn't enjoy but felt i couldn't push back on once it happened, and about a month ago i asked about the follow-up we seemed to be heading towards. it turned out that the dm hadn't actually planned anything more with it, and i thought we'd arranged for a little bit of closure once we got back to that part of the map.

last session, we arrived in the general area where i thought we were going to do this backstory thing. there seemed to be some references while we focused on the central plot situation (which involves the dm's wife's character, but i truly don't believe there's any unbalanced favoritism going on, this character and one other have been building heavily endgame-focused backstory ever since character creation), then we went out of town on a little sidequest. the sidequest paused at a cliffhanger, as we always do.

yesterday, we finished the sidequest. we wrapped it up and sat down to rest. in retrospect, this is the last chance i would have had to direct the plot toward where i'd planned and hoped to head next. but i didn't realize that, and by the time i did realize it, we were head over heels right back into the main plot. now we're on the fucking celestial plane, and i'm looking at even more sessions of standing around trying not to talk over the people who actually have any connections to the story outside of combat, and it's really hitting the part of me that spent my entire fucking teen years trying super hard to join in conversations and having the other people immediately change the topic to something i'd never heard of and couldn't contribute to.

(including when i was in the middle seat of a canoe between them.)

i really don't think my d&d party are trying to be jerks that way. i just... i really, really feel like i'm too damn autistic to realize when i'm supposed to say things, and i'm trying so hard to not talk over the others and to let them have their big moments, and it feels like there's no space for me to participate and try to have any big moments myself, and...

...like. i literally don't know if there's some fundamental part of what makes d&d enjoyable that i'm completely missing. am i supposed to be talking to the dm more behind the scenes? am i supposed to be focusing on building a special unique character of world-ending significance? or am i just supposed to be... keeping up, somehow, understanding the flow of the conversation and when to jump in, in a way that i'm fundamentally incapable of doing?

you're not supposed to be too autistic for d&d. that's not supposed to be a thing that happens. but that's kind of what i keep feeling like recently. and i hate it.