#but also feels like a little step back
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#lmao apparently i was on Too High A Dose of T for starting#i finally got in with my new doctor - who is great already love him#miles ahead of my old one who asked me if i went to church and found comfort in god#and he did a double take when i told him what i'd been prescribed - a literal double take#i am now on half of what i was before whomp whomp#which is probably good until we know how my body metabolizes T#but also feels like a little step back#you have to be so goddamn patient with hrt huh#up side what i've got now will last twice as long i suppose#i don't regret going with the interim medical provider to get started because i'm 3 weeks ahead of where i would have been if i'd waited#but it is a little disconcerting to have a doctor who works for a pride clinic and prescribes hormones all the time go#''that is absolutely the wrong dose here is what you should be on''#and i am glad i am moving my care to him#thanks beth tho you were a real one for getting me the initial prescription and giving me a max dose to really kickstart things#boy stuff
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do you think Bruce ever lies awake at night thinking about all the things he has taught his kids and how it seemed like a good idea at the time but maybe some of those habits are actually more bad than good
#Dick Grayson#Bruce Wayne#Batman#DC#how many times has alfred told bruce to step back from a case?#to sleep? to eat? to take one moment away from an obsession so it doesn't drag him fully down?#and yeah the thing dick can't leave alone here is looking out for bruce#but it's also the case. the cape. the need to Fix things#dick is all but saying 'I love you' here#but I'm sure bruce is just hearing the echoes of his own obsession in the kids he raised into vigilantism#and I bet it haunts him that he has made them even a little bit like himself#having many feelings about them......
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it takes years for terry pratchett's books to get consistently good. I would argue that the series doesn't really hit its stride until Feet of Clay, which means that pratchett was writing and being published for 12 years before he found his groove.
and I genuinely can't imagine that. in part because I do think that pratchett's publication calendar looks different than what's expected of writers today---he had about 2 books published per year for his entire career. he must have been writing furiously, and the publisher must have relatively quickly gotten these to press.
but also....I just can't imagine any modern-day publisher keeping an author on their list for twelve years, unless that author is a prestige get or a constant presence on the bestseller list. And what does it say about the state of publishing that you can't go on publishing someone's good-but-not-revelatory books until they figure out what story they're trying to tell?
#this ties into my other thoughts about the workmanlike genre writers of the 80s and 90s.#king and koontz and even grisham in the early days.#it's a world that's gone away. publishing is a different animal. still....#and I liked prior discworld novels! I think pyramids is great; as is maskarade and lords and ladies#but feet of clay hogfather jingo and carpe jugulum have the feel of someone settling into a groove#jingo is actually really very good. so is carpe jugulum.#you can feel his characters getting smarter. more alive.#(and he takes steps back too; I think thief of time is a good book but it's a little too impressed with its own plot.#and wee free men is a throwback to lords and ladies in a way that's hard to ignore even if tiffany is a delight.#night watch is still good but you know what? not as good as I remember. I prefer jingo.)#also I have figured out pratchett's ''if I handwave a bit about dreams and timelines and magic I do not have to plug this plothole'' trick#I'm mostly amused by his audacity in doing so (and can relate as someone who has maybe used the same trick...)#it's just funny.#discworld
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deeply refreshing to see someone critical of Swift who also like, genuinely likes her. Like i'm neutral to positive on her, but the online discourse has been absolutely rancid. flipping between "Taylor Swift has never done anything wrong ever and she's a fucking genius" and "Taylor Swift is the worst lyricist of all time and also a bad person" is exhausting, so thank you for like. nuance or something lmao
not to make it serious for a sec but i genuinely think that being able to like things that are bad is really important. like I think that it's an important skill to be able to look at something and see what you personally enjoy about it and then take a step back and acknowledge that objectively it's flawed. and to also be able to acknowledge that liking something isn't necessarily an identity or a moral stance. and i think that fandom space in general could really benefit from more people taking the time to learn how to do that. it's okay to like things that are bad
#people ask me sometimes why ill occasionally talk about something i like and then go 'but it's bad' and the answer is usually because it is#i love teen wolf. i love genshin impact. i love detective conan. and i fucking LOVE taylor swift. that doesnt mean theyre good#it just means i like them. and recognizing their flaws actually helps me better identify what i like about them!#it's like. in my mind bad > good is the x axis and i like it > i dont like it is the y axis yk. they're not mutually exclusive#tldr it's not that serious. we can all relax a little#irt taylor swift i do also think she has done some real harm to her fans in enabling them to deflect all criticism of her as misogyny#and i don't think it's fully the fault of these people who are parroting that response bc so much of her marketing has deliberately#reinforced this idea that to be a swiftie is to be a part of a sisterhood and that any attack on taylor is an attack on all of those women#who are in that in-group. when that's obviously not the case. but she's marketed herself as. for lack of a better term. 'girl music'#to the point where it makes her fans feel as though any criticism of the music or the woman responsible for it is an attack on their#personal experience of womanhood/girlhood/sisterhood/etc. and that's how you get all of thess bad-faith accusations of misogyny#i don't necessarily think this was her deliberate goal with her marketing tho because like. on first glance such a strong sense of communit#among fans sounds like a great thing. the friendship bracelets i got at the eras tour movie are really genuinely special to me.#but it does present a problem when your fans are unable to separate how they feel about the community and experience your music has fostere#from how they feel about you as a person. especially when you are a billionaire who absolutely CANNOT be above criticism in this economy#anyway. tldr i love taylor's music and i don't think swiftie hivemind is as deliberately malicious as it may seem#but it's obviously necessary to be able to take a step back and look objectively at what you're participating in.#anyway stream ttpd or don't idc <3#taylor swift
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some adau things ^^ he cheers barry on through the dreamgear
#hiiii its been a sec#the first one was supposed to be a thing referencing loz spirit tracks#because someone left tags a while back mentioning spirit tracks and the brainrot came RIGHT back. you know i love spirit tracks#probably why i love tmosth so much help#i didnt add anything else to that sketch because i didnt wanna ruin it skfnfj but its sonic running alongside the train like on the#spirit tracks box art#he figured out he can run by creating little spots to step. like platforms#helps to get some stress out since he hasnt been able to run in such small cars#also helps him Realize he was stressed#sth#doodles#actually dead au#hes got feeling in the dreamgear too so he likes hangin out in there#i think about that gotf issue a lot. when he has a body for a bit and being able too Feel really gets to him. auughhg#gotta reread it
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sometimes you just have to say: your interpretation is not my interpretation and move on with your day. even when it's people you like and respect like, sometimes people's headcanons just do not jive. it's fine. and being able to respectfully disagree and move on is so important. no one is ever going to see things exactly how you see them. even when you check a lot of boxes with other people, there will always be one headcanon or interpretation where you disagree, sometimes in really big ways, and it's fine
#and sometimes it's hard !!!!#i feel very intensely abt my own headcanons and interpretations !!!#and i am also someone who Enjoys arguing a thesis like in the academic sense and using canon evidence to support my argument#but like. sometimes (esp when it's ppl you're friendly with) you just gotta step back and go ok! we have different interpretations!#ultimately everyone is interpreting media through their own lens and bringing bit of themselves to it and projecting a little too#and sometimes what one person interprets will be wholly incompatible to what another person sees#to be clear this is not abt completely disregarding canon or being Bad at understanding what is Literally happening on screen#all that stuff can and should be argued against#but simply taking canon and interpreting things abt it and characters differently is fine#vic.txt#fandom
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The more I think about Wildmender the more I grow invested in it. It's a fascinating interpretation of terra nil and solarpunk since so often the genre is fundamentally rooted in settler-colonialist philosophy, and even games which are intended to be the opposite of that--terra nil comes to mind as the obvious one--just end up actually revealing a different side of the factorio problem, because terra nil is an incredible impersonal restoration of ecological systems. Terra Nil acknowledges climate destruction on a global catastrophic scale and it accepts the responsibility to fix that, but it isn't shown as a human act, nor does it really allow itself the realism of just how terrifyingly impossible the task is to try and literally fix the entire world. Its game structure is supposed to be the anti-factorio but its puzzle structures focusing on efficiency and robotic engineering patterns of rewilding end up feeling more like a dialogue than an inversion. It's trying to say that the idea of humanity as fundamentally destructive is wrong while it doesn't actually ever address the human element.
And then there's fucking Wildmender. A game where you are a single human child in a world of endless wasteland and death, where the only other things are ghosts who remember a halcyon era and the hubris that ended it, wraiths which are consumed by their own greed and destruction of the land for their cursed immortality, and a couple god statues. The entire map is just ceaseless grief, filled with the literal dessicated remains of all the biodiversity that came before the countless disasters. And it's a big fucking map.
And then...the game gives you a shovel and a sickle and a mirror that shows the wraiths what twisted reflections they've become.
And the game says, "The entire world is waiting to be better, and the only way to do that is by doing it yourself, long and hard and hopeless as it seems."
I cannot emphasize enough how overwhelming the task you're handed. There is not a single speck of life left in the world. You are given a shovel and a water bottle and just...expected to do something about it. To look at the literal endless wastes and think you can heal it.
This is what Wildmender cherishes that Terra Nil denies: This is an impossible task for you alone. But it has to be done...and you can actually do it. The way you can turn sand into soil and dig irrigation channels is beautiful. Every single scrap of land that you reclaim is something you had to do on purpose. You had to do it yourself. You had to actively choose how to do it.
And the game makes the reward of even just getting a bit more water into the sand feel like victory. Your starting oasis turns from soil into lush and beautiful meadows--sure, technically instantaneously by doing magic on a specific type of plant. But it took me 4-5 hours before I got there. You have to travel so far into the desert to learn how to grow grass again, and then you realize that this endless hostile wasteland is a fraction of the map you're given. And you look at this sudden profusion of meadowy grassland surrounding your spring and despite how sudden it feels you remember how big the world is. You made more progress in a minute than you did in 5 hours and it's not even a speck on the map. How the fuck is this gonna happen?
And the answer is by accepting that it's going to take a long fucking time and a lot of hard work.
That's how it's gonna happen. Get to work.
#i have Opinions on the concept of desert as fundamentally empty and devoid of life as a SW native#but honestly the game handles the baggage really beautifully in ways i adore#it makes this impossible task youre handed not merely meaningful but also empowering#because it never does shy away from what its demanding of you it makes you earn every fucking inch#but like. when my first oak tree gave me my first harvest of acorns?#acorns i could use to bring the ghosts of more old oaks back to life?#the feelings i felt knowing that this little oak grove was a major first step in turning the endless translucent corpses filling the land#oh man#i choked up for real.#anyway. buy wildmender :)#and if for some reason youre having serious performance issues for no fucking reason when you first install#getting a refund and then rebuying the game somehow completely solved it for me. so uh. theres one solution maybe?#OH RIGHT#my writing#my essay#my essays#wildmender
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this might be an unpopular opinion but i’d rather have a full agnes of westview spinoff than only get more future agatha as a mentor/sidekick to billy and tommy
#i just struggle so hard with teen centered stories and found him especially infuriating the whole time#and mostly after his reveal too#it just already feels like a chore to watch whatever is next just for a couple minutes of agatha#who probably will become fairly one note from the writers because there ‘won’t be time’ to do more with her#which is also why i wish we had gotten a little more of the backstory now because i just don’t trust that there’s room for it because agatha#was never meant to be her own thing in the greater mcu. she was used as a stepping stone and even tho she’s popular they’ll just ignore it#until it’s been ‘too long’ to bother going back to everything else#it also doesn’t help that this whole phase is being put together piecemeal instead of taking a break after endgame to breathe and regroup#i think i’ve gotten off track but i’m just having a lot of thoughts this morning#agatha#aaa
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some clone high ocs bc I am cringe but I am free. and bc im excited for the upcoming reboot :)
just the line art:
#art#fan art#clone high#ink#line art#digital art#these ppl are wildly different lol i just chose whoever i was intrested in for whatever reason#that ive also not seen clone high art of yet#hc andersens clone can hopefull have the gay romance the original anderson wanted :')#i was reading his wikipedia page a while back and its the sweetest thing ever 😭#like what he wrote here:#''The Hereditary Grand Duke walked arm in arm with me across the courtyard of the castle to my room kissed me lovingly asked me always to#love him though he was just an ordinary person asked me to stay with him this winter ... Fell asleep with the melancholy happy feeling that#I was the guest of this strange prince at his castle and loved by him ... It is like a fairy tale.''#and in the wikipedia section on his death:#''Shortly before his death Andersen had consulted a composer about the music for his funeral saying:#'Most of the people who will walk after me will be children so make the beat keep time with little steps.'''#jesus man 😭
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:(
#EXCUSE THE LITTLE SPIRAL HERE QKDJWJS but I just want to talk it through as a crew#Feeling very very gracious towards David’s lovely message#But also feeling sad#Because I was happy to see him being so quiet and being so secretive#Because to ME that seemed like a good sign that negotiations or some kind of discussions might be taking place#And that there subsequently might be some sort of intense NDA#But now with THIS…#Idk it just feels like we just took so many steps back#Like to me it reads as though there are NO current negotiations#And that we’re actually still just suspended and have BEEN suspended#Which…jakdwjdnwjdwkdk#And no I don’t understand how all of this works so who KNOWS what’s really going on the background#But idk man. Idk.#Not to be such a negative nancy either when I’m usually so energized#But I was just sort of taken aback and wanted to see what yall were thinking too#Things just feel a little more…DIFFICULT again#praying for some hope and ALSO praying that jac makes a thread for additional clarity AKDJWJ
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through heavy , heavy tears : hawkeyes first instinct is to be KIND he’s so much less guarded than trapper and even bj when first meeting people ( even ones he probably won’t like ) he always treats them with respect . i’m going to be physically ill
#i have a headcanon that people were kind of really mean to hawkeye as a kid and this little detail about him reinforces it#he very much gives like . i was weird and left out as a kid but people love me now and i never want to be like those people who left me out#i feel like you see it most heavily with radar but he also does this thing when he steps back when he realizes he’s actually hurt someone’s#feelings .#idk like#he’s not kind ALL the time . like he obviously jokes around a LOT and some of those jokes can be pretty mean and even then sometimes he has#trouble apologizing#but at the same time ( most of the time ) if he realizes something has gone too far he’ll do what he can to express that he didn’t mean it i#in his own hawkeye way#i’m thinking about in ‘ for want of a boot ‘ when trapper calls radar short and radar gets upset about it and hawk’s like#‘ hey you know he’s only joking ‘ in that soft voice#or in ‘ house arrest ‘ when radar gets the platform shoes and hawkeye was like ‘ i was out of line for making fun of you ‘#those are the instances that come to mind but there’s a TON more#idk i just really love that detail about him#that he’s willing to step back and recognize when a joke’s maybe gone too far#he even does it with frank and charles#mash#mashposting#m*a*s*h#mash 4077#hawkeye pierce#hawkeye
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,,, sun-dappled sheets...
#the sapphics got to me okay. portrix real#it's so cute how they go from falling asleep tgt at the presses to having a room to share#adamandi#portia elizabeth harper#beatrix valeria campbell#it was a doodle and then i was like i want to make it softer so i painted it over and in the process rendered it somewhat#it's still quite sketchy akdhfj but u get the vibes!! ++ tried out using a Lot more noise than usual#so that's like the New Art Takeaway from doing this.#;;; i feel like every time i draw wlw fluff it's stepping back deep into my comfort zone haha but yes. soft cosy comfy etc.#my brain was not processing enough to figure out casual wear so this is kind of just the stripped down costumes akdhdjdh but yeah#bonus side note here is i was like hehe wouldn't it be fun if beatrix hand + portia ribbon. as like a nod to contrast how#previously it was strings on their hands instead. and now she cut them off bc portia and also smth smth about the difference#between tying (the strings) and choosing to hold (ribbon) and sjdhdhfhfh ue.#*incoherent noises* it's about the softness. the touching. the idea of choice- but less afraid of losing it- smth smth inherent trust also.#knowing tomorrow you'll still be there..#<- sorry there's a silly little conceptual thing in every adamandi thing i make i think#i would love to say this was For Adamandi Week but i do very badly with timed events so the truth is just. i woke up and saw#@/regret-repentir 's post (which is so so lovely actually) (credit where credit is due) and then spent the next 1.5h drawing portrix#the prompt was post graduation i think? but seeing as i didn't really respond to the prompt itself#it doesn't rly count in my head as a prompt response for the event. idk#it technically works. but also it feels like false advertising...#<blinks> fun times include this being the first time i've drawn adamandi characters entirely without reference. they have been blorbo-ified
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gale is ambition, so he has both crippling self doubt and debilitating pride in his work.
gale is ambition, so if a character tries to undermine him by one-upping him, he'll think he's not nothing left. more else can the orb destroy that it hasn't already?
gale is ambition, so if a character tries to undermine him by one-upping him, he'll vehemently deny that. he's the wizard of waterdeep. he was mystra's chosen. he was her lover. who could be any better than that?
gale is ambition. it's his greatest flaw and his greatest asset.
#baldur's gate 3#gale#gale dekarios#gale of waterdeep#gale bg3#bg3 gale#spoilers#bg3 spoilers#rex rambles#obvious take is obvious but i've been ruminating on his reactions to sorcerer tav/tav generally undermining his experience and expertise#it's the same principle if anyone's every played an instrument and you see a 5 year old playing music better than you#who has had 20+ years of study and practice#it's humbling; it makes you feel like shit; it incenses you to try harder to get better#that's ambition. it's both the self doubt and the pride#of course gale is going to be petty back; you've literally just stepped on both the pride and self doubt at the same time#ruminating on the bg3 cast a little too late but it's fine lmao. i think he's neat and i like him a lot#i'm very obsessed with my own drow war cleric though. oh no he's hot ig lmao#i also have some thoughts about the soundtrack which ar very interesting to me
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personal //
#taking an unofficial break until i feel better about everything 😭 perhaps until the end of june or maybe longer#i'm sorry for my low energy#i realize that i already haven't been engaging properly ever since i got injured#and part of me wants to :') i miss a lot about being in this space and it's been a little lonely stepping away#but i also think i haven't been happy with myself for awhile now#i just feel a bit#like i'm on the knife edge of giving up and that things that should scare me don't even properly register#& it feels like the pockets of happiness in between are not enough to sustain me through it#ah. just cried for a long time#there is a lot i've been thinking about but i think i won't talk about it on here :')#i'll be back in some time 🫡 if you need me feel free to shoot a dm on here or on discord
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It was quite worrying walking down the main shopping streets of my city during pride and seeing that barely any of them have any pride flags or anything in the window. Rainbow capitalism will not save us but it is so unnerving when even last year most shops had some kind of bunting in the window and this year it was only three or four. Like idk it feels emblematic of a worsening or idk souring attitude towards queer people that is definitely influenced by rampant transphobia in the uk. Which is why it’s so upsetting when cis queer people join in on transphobia in hopes of distancing themselves from the current social and political undesirability of transness.
#idk idk it just makes me nervous when businesses won’t even trot out a bit of rainbow bunting for one day#like I don’t need McDonald’s to pretend to love gay people but it really does feel like showing support of lgbt people is now seen as a#liability rather than profitable#and I think that that’s ultimately a step back?#idk there’s been a lot of Christian proselytising in town that has been really like gathering audiences and engaging people when most people#used to ignore it and walk right past it and it all just feels a little bit scary#when i say Christian proselytising i mean explicitly homophobic Christian proselytising#which also just sucks to have to hear on your way to work.#I’m a fucking person not a sign of the end times#anyway I had a good time and my city’s pride is quite small and very sweet and it was a good day but like. uh oh.#this has all been said before and better by other people
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Saw a comic where the Prince's bride falls in love with the Little Mermaid and decides to run away with her and realized that's kinda what happens in rgu
#revolutionary girl utena#the little mermaid#anthy himemiya#akio ohtori#utena tenjou#Akio is the prince who makes the Little Mermaid dance to his whim despite her every step making her feel like she's being pierced by knives#Except in this AU he actually knows about her pain and knows she saved him but he still grew uncaring and cruel#Utena is as if he then told the church princess about the little mermaids suffering#That to be human she needed a man to love her more than than his own parents‚ love her with her whole soul and marry her#And he tells her he cannot be that man#And so she then‚ full of emotion and determination‚ proclaims that she will become that person and save her#Though Utena has a lot of similar characteristics to the oblivious Prince though#So she kinda has the role of both#Though anthy is a lot more antagonistic than the little mermaid#A lot of rgu girls act like certain fairy tale girls if they were more antagonistic#which probably works with the whole princess/witch dichotomy#though I personally haven't noticed similarities between anthy and the Sea Witch#I also see similarities of the Prince and the Little Mermaid's dynamic in Touga's and Nanami's relationship... In both directions#hans christian andersen#shoujo kakumei utena#sku#rgu#''I wrote so well! Totally gonna get a good grade in tumblr posting'' I think before I come back and notice a million grammatical mistakes#ambi utena post#utena analysis
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