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hovkinnie · 3 days ago

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mizuena/ena5 incoherent rant below bc i love them so much im losing my mind

I can't stop thinking about how much of mizuki's conflict in prsk is resolved entirely by ena's actions, not mizuki's own, and that's actually really fucking good. hear me out.

One of the driving emotions for Mizuki's conflict is obviously fear; she's afraid of being left once people know her secret, she's afraid she can only ever have shallow connections with people who wouldn't really accept her as who she is, she's afraid of losing the few friends she has and the one space where she feels like she can express herself through their shared art.

But beyond that, the other driving emotion for her is guilt. She feels guilty that she's been "deceiving" everyone else, she feels guilty that she's left Ena waiting for so long without telling her her secret, she feels guilty that everyone else seems to be moving forward and facing their fears while she seemingly can't. And when her secret is revealed, the strongest emotion she's going through isn't her fear of being left behind, it's the guilt that's been eating her away from the inside.

She tells ena that it can't be the same, that now ena won't be able to treat her the same, that she knows Ena and Kanade and Mafuyu are so kind they'll smile and tell her they're fine with it, but that they'll just be forcing themselves for the sake of kindness. That they'd rather not have to deal with everything that makes Mizuki complicated, but they would anyway because they're kind like that. That she can't bear that. She doesn't deserve that.

And all of this guilt is so real for this young trans girl to feel because it's what we're pushed towards constantly, even when we're supposedly accepted for who we are. The lie that we're deceiving others when we present as our own gender is so deeply written into our collective psyche, and even beyond that, even in "progressive" spaces, the violence we suffer is often treated as our own burden to bear, as something we have to deal with and not burden other people with.

So many basic bitch stories about trans women, with trans women protags written by cis people, have them struggle and "grow" as the story progresses, having to "face their fears", to come out to people they're scared of leaving them, to "trust their loved ones" and take that first step. I think a lot about The Missing, a game that gets a lot of the horror of being a trans girl and yet still has the protagonist, who is so terrified of how her mom would react to her coming out she tries to end her own life, learn the lesson that she should come out anyway, trust this person that's only given her reasons to fear her, because that's the only way for her to move forward.

Mizuki doesn't do that. She doesn't have to. Mizu5 is all about the horror of being outed before you're ready to come out yourself, even to someone you know would show you kindness. And it allows Mizuki to stew in her own guilt, the guilt that she never faced her fears herself, that she's burdening N25 with her suffering. But Ena5 is about Ena, so patient and unwilling to hurt Mizuki, finally being moved to action by kaito and meiko agreeing that it's up to her to be selfish and try to bring Mizuki back, to recognize that Mizuki doesn't want to be alone.

It's up to Ena to do the scary thing, for her to be open and vulnerable about her feelings. For her to go up to Mizuki, despite being ignored for so long, as someone who is so sensitive to being ignored- to being rejected- and to tell Mizuki what she needs- and deserves- to hear. That she's wanted. That Ena doesn't care if Mizuki thinks she deserves it or not, that Mizuki's guilt shouldn't factor in because Ena wants Mizuki beside her.

It's the ultimate transfem fantasy because it's the fantasy of being truly wanted, of being unconditionally loved. It's the fantasy of someone seeing you for who you are, and not just "accepting you" as if it's a favor they're doing you, but going as far as telling you that the way you've been conditioned by a lifetime of violence to feel and act to protect yourself is NOT your fault, it's NOT just your responsibility to deal with, that you deserve someone who will go through the effort of digging you out of that hole and that you're not a burden for needing that.

In a lot of subtle ways, Mizuki's story feels 1000% written by people who understand trans girls so far beyond the scope of the usual explaining-transness-to-cis-people style of narrative, even understanding ways that these narratives fuck up routinely and also understanding exactly what is needed to sneak this into a highly commercial hatsune miku gacha game. There's a lot of compromises made there for the sake of being this kind of story in this kind of game, but what we get in return is so much more meaningful as a transfem narrative than anything of similar popularity that I can think of, it fills me with so much emotion and I truly can't fathom believing it's somehow "bait" or "not real rep" unless you've never had to think about transmisogyny and how it emotionally affects you to this degree.

I'll never stop thinking about them. Congrats on the wedding mizuki and ena. someone like ena is exactly what every trans girl deserves, and never has someone proven herself more deserving of a trans girl's love than ena. i love them both so much my heart feels like it's going to explode whenever i think of them. huge thanks to everyone involved in creating their story

#prsk #mizuena #mzen #mizuki akiyama #ena shinonome #ena5 #mizu5

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dammit-tazmuir · 2 days ago

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@grievingbovine I am always happy to gush about Paul ;w;

Also I feel like... I'm not sure if it's more "codependency isn't always bad" or "codependency is a term we've grown to use too liberally when what should actually be the defining factor isn't the behaviors involved but whether or not those are actually hurting the people involved" or something in between or adjacent to that. It also feels like there might be kinda two definitions people use interchangeably? One being the more medical term and the other a looser thing of like, deeply dependent on each other.

But semantics aside I know what you mean, and yeah.

It is, generally speaking, unhealthy to be SO dependent on a SPECIFIC person that you can't live without them. Cam and Pal post-explosion had a very unique situation, whereas for most cases in real life, it's better to at least like... need SOMEONE, a purpose, a cause, but also be capable of seeking a new one if you lose that, after time to process and grief. A Camilla whose whole life revolved around Palamedes but didn't get him back learning to live again for Nona, as a hypothetical, or Harrow who would not let herself survive alone but can live for God and for Gideon and for Alecto and for the memory of those lost to conceive her and who may find other purposes still. Ofc no one is arguing Harrow is healthy about that, but like, if you CAN'T find an internal sense of worth, a purely external one is still infinitely better and healthier than none!

It feels very silly but a straight up life-changing thing for me as someone who does the same shit was the anime Gurren Lagann throwing around the phrase, "believe in the me who believes in you." Over time it morphed into "believe in the you that I believe in", and ultimately into having genuinely self-assurance, but taking even one or two of those steps is like... YEAH? Yeah! You know? External validation can be so meaningful and powerful, and isn't antithetical to internal by any means. If you can find it in even a handful of different sources, even better. A thing I try to tell people a lot when it comes to mental health too is you don't have to Get Better to get BETTER. It's not "you're unhealthy and must be fixed" or "you're 100% healthy in all ways". Less unhealthy and more functional than you were is amazing and to be celebrated actually!!!

But at the same time?

Ya know, no, I agree, I DON'T think it's a bad thing to need to NOT be ALONE. I understand the importance of being capable of surviving alone, at least long enough to seek new connections. And living for a person or cause is always easier than dying for them ("you could have lived for her, but you didn't know how"...), especially if you're living for their memory after they're gone, but people should try to do it anyway! But to just..... want to be devoted to someone? To thrive on supporting or caring for other people???

That's not what I'd call "toxic codependency", that's humans being a social species. Hell, that's looking at stories and seeing how many supporting characters are vital to helping a hero succeed and deciding "that sounds awesome actually! Not everyone needs to be the hero, I would love to be a supporting character!" Especially when you're not losing sight of your own needs in the process.

Like... Sacrifice and martyr mentality can be horrible destructive things that do more harm than good, but sacrifice is also objectively a major way people show love. Parents doing without a little more to make sure their kids get something nice, someone doing a chore they don't like because they know their partner hates it more, etc. The difference between "my needs aren't important, I'm not important, I'll always prioritize others because I don't take care of myself in general" and "I have weighed the pros and cons and decided that I can handle this and wish to put someone else first in this situation" is not always apparent from the outside but it's an extremely important distinction. There's a difference between being needlessly reckless and hard on yourself versus making a decision to achieve an end you want even though it costs you something.

Cam trying to hide how rough carrying Pal was on her wasn't her being needlessly reckless, it was her being a stubborn bitch who knows she's tough as hell. If anything people have more grounds to criticize her going against Pal's interests and wishes by not giving him information he needed to make properly informed decisions! To think that he was in any way taking advantage of her when she'd have found a way to kick his ass if he'd tried to force her to stop is wild lmao. (Not to mention Pal literally killing himself— he was still Around but objectively dead all the same!— in the "dying for someone is the cruelest thing you could do to them" book. Like he ain't making big sacrifices fueled by his love for and trust in her too smh.)

And honestly? Yeah that does sound like the kind of thing that could save the world. Our world would be a better place with less people striving to be main characters and more people eager to support each other. More people should be saying "No you will let me help you, you son of a bitch. Don't you dare tell me it's Too Much." >:( So many people are afraid of Being A Burden but more people need to understand— from the perspective of the person with that fear and as friends wishing to help someone who has that fear— that only the person offering help can decide what is A Burden to them! It's not the other person's decision to make!

Palamades didn't have a right to tell Camilla not to push herself to keep him around when that was her choice, and anyone fearing their loved ones sacrifice too much for them don't have a right to tell them to love them less, either. Sometimes— often, really— the alternative is worse. And part of me has to wonder if some people are averse to acknowledging that because if they did, then they'd have to acknowledge that letting someone else help you can be actively beneficial to them, and constantly refusing to ask for or accept help is in turn actively depriving them of something that would help them too. <.< Too bad everyone, gotta let people love you.

Locked tomb hot takes:

Insisting that the birth of Paul is only a tragedy because of the uneven power dynamics between Palamedes and Camilla as Necro and Cav invalidates Camillas autonomy and undermines her as a character capable of making her own decisions. It also undermines Palamedes constantly checking for consent. He understands more than most that there is an uneven power dynamic and actively works to respect her autonomy as much as he can while also respecting their bond/positions as necro and cav.

In a world where those who identify as men have no natural power over those who identify as women or neither, we can not apply the same cisheteronormative expectations of male behavior to male characters.

Camilla made every. Single. Choice. Willingly. She had reasons for it, and Palamedes respected that more than readers seem to. We get plenty of examples.

"What would you do if you discovered Camilla was a murderer?”

“Help her bury the body,” said Palamedes promptly.

“Sextus.”

“I mean it. If Camilla wants someone dead,” he said, “then far be it from me to stand in her way. All I can do at that point is watch the bloodshed and look for a mop. One flesh, one end, and all that.”

GtN chapter 30

NtN chapter 17

The relationship between these two may be codependent, but it's predicated on trust and consent. The whole way through. This is the life Cam wants to live. Becoming Paul was what *she wanted*.

I find it strange that some people think they know what's best for her more than she does, just because she's a cavalier.

#hello i am #infuckingcapable of speaking in less than 40 pages apparently #but many thought....#I am just Nona okay. Bursting at every seem with love and also maybe I don't know what it means but that won't stop me. Always spread love #and hope little by little it does help save the world #(minus the part about also being the world lmao)

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kikyoupdates · 2 days ago

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Made to Destroy ⭑˚💎⭑ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑢𝑡𝑠𝑖𝑑𝑒 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑙𝑑

bnha x op!reader

op!reader, my hero academia x fem!reader, reverse harem, over powered reader, f!reader

You are the product of a series of twisted experiments, an anomaly that shouldn’t have ever existed in the first place. Thankfully, you are taken into the arms of a hero and given a new purpose in life. But as you soon discover, it isn’t easy to deny your true nature, especially when you were made to destroy.

prologue | story masterlist | next

I don’t know where I’m going.

You’ve been walking for a while now, with no real destination in mind. Truthfully, you’re not searching for anyplace in particular. You just figure that anywhere will be better than being stuck with that crazy old man.

So, you walk. The building you’ve just come out of is rather secluded, tucked away behind a canopy of trees. There’s no one else as far as the eye can see, so you make the journey in total silence, instead focusing on the sweet-tasting air, and the little birds that flit from branch to branch.

The minutes trickle on, turning to hours, and you find yourself weighed down by a heavy feeling that must be fatigue.

But it’s okay. Because it seems like you’ve just reached the city.

Here, you are no longer alone. It’s crowded and busy, and there are tons of people roaming about. You can’t help but blink in awe. Up until now, the only person you’ve met was Dr. Garaki. You never imagined that there would be so many others besides him.

Curious, you take a step forward.

Only to be immediately pulled back.

“Be careful!” a woman cries out, and something speeds past you at that very moment, just narrowly missing your body. You frown and look back at the woman in confusion. For some reason, she’s gasping for breath and her shoulders are trembling. “You almost walked right in front of that car,” she says shakily. “Seriously, you need to look both ways before crossing. The pedestrian light wasn’t even on.”

You’re not really sure what she’s talking about, but you nod nonetheless.

“Okay,” you reply. “Thank you.”

She lets go of your arm, then looks you over for quite a long time. Something about your appearance must not sit right with her, because her brow is now furrowed.

“Is everything okay—”

“Hey, what’s the hold up?” someone else interjects. It’s a man, and he loops his arm around the woman’s. “Come on, I’m in a hurry here. I need to get back to work soon.”

“Oh. This girl was about to wander out into the street, so I got worried about her,” she explains.

“Yeah? Well, she’s fine now, so let’s go. Like I said, I don’t have time for this.”

The woman is jerked along without another word, but you can see her glancing back over her shoulder every few moments, a look of concern plastered across her face.

Eventually, she disappears through the crowd, so you shrug and carry on walking.

A lot of people seem to be giving you funny looks. You don’t notice them at first, but eventually, you realize that you’re drawing a lot of attention to yourself. You’re not really sure why, though.

More importantly, so much of this is new to you. Not only are there tons of people, but there are countless buildings, in all colors and sizes, as well as other strange things you’ve never seen before. The world outside appears to be vibrant and bright, already a massive improvement to the dingy lab you awoke in.

You keep walking. Some people look like they want to call out to you, or at the very least, they’re thinking about it, but ultimately, they reconsider and let you carry on your way.

Everyone disregards the fact that you’re a child all on your own and assumes that someone else will come to your rescue eventually. That’s the reasoning they use to spare themselves the hassle and wipe their hands of any responsibility.

And then, someone does come to your rescue.

“Hello there, little girl. Are you by yourself?”

It’s a tall man with a warm, inviting smile. He fixes you in a tender gaze, and unlike everyone else, he takes the time to find out how you’re doing.

You nod in agreement. “Yes. I’m alone.”

For some reason, the man’s smile grows even wider. Unfortunately, you’re too naïve to realize why.

“Well, that just won’t do,” he hums. “It’s not safe for a kid like you to be all alone on the streets. How about I help you out? I can get you something to eat too. You sound like you’re hungry.”

Hungry? You’re not too familiar with the term, but perhaps he’s referring to how your stomach is grumbling without pause. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, one that you’d been trying to disregard up until now. But if this man says he can help with that, you’ll gladly take him up on his offer.

“I think I am hungry,” you concede. “I want to try eating something.”

“Of course,” he grins. “Just follow me.”

So, you do. It doesn’t occur to you that perhaps you shouldn’t trust people so blindly, especially given the experience you’ve already had with Dr. Garaki. But as you will soon discover, the outside world is plenty dangerous too, and your total ignorance makes you all the more vulnerable to it.

The man reaches over to grab your hand in his, and he seems tickled pink by the fact that you don’t try to refuse.

For a while, the two of you walk like that, hand-in-hand. You keep looking around the whole time, trying to make sense of your surroundings, and eventually, you see something that makes your eyes widen.

“There,” you say, pointing towards a building. You can see through its glass windows, and the people inside are all sitting at tables and shoveling various things into their mouth. They’re... eating, right? They must be. Your brain instinctively makes the connection, and right on cue, your stomach starts grumbling even more.

“What is it?” the man frowns.

“They’re eating food,” you say. “In there. Can we go in to eat too? I’m hungry.”

“Ah. I actually don’t have a lot of money on hand,” he sighs. “But I’ve got a nice meal waiting for us back home. I can get you more comfortable clothes to change into as well. Don’t worry. It’ll be way better than sitting in a cramped diner.”

You tilt your head to the side, confused. “But they’re all eating, and I want to eat too. I don’t feel like waiting any longer. I want to go there.”

“Like I said, I don’t have money,” he explains.

“Money?”

Yet another term you’ve never heard before. There’s a lot that you don’t understand, that you still need to learn. Of course, the man can’t possibly know that, so he must assume you’re just playing dumb.

“Everyone else is eating, so why can’t we do it too?” you ask.

He clicks his tongue, and his smile drops for the very first time. “Don’t be difficult,” he grimaces. You notice that his grip on your hand has become tighter. “I promise I’ll give you some food at home, so please just listen to me, okay?”

Despite his insistence, you stubbornly root your feet into the ground. There’s food right on the other side of that window, and you’re not going anywhere until you’ve tried some for yourself.

“I want to go in there,” you say again. “I’m not leaving.”

It seems like that’s really not what the man wanted to hear, because all of a sudden, anger flashes through his eyes, and he pulls you forcefully, making you stumble forward in bewilderment.

Then, he throws you over his shoulder.

“I played nice and gave you a chance,” he glares. “All you had to do was not act out like a little brat.”

He’s running now, still gripping you tight and refusing to let go. All you can do is gape, watching as the diner fades further and further into the distance. You lament the loss of your food, which now appears to be hopelessly out of reach. The hunger is getting worse by the second, too. It feels like your stomach is about to implode.

You know what you have to do. You need to fight this guy off and break free of him. But much to your dismay, you can’t muster up the strength, no matter how hard you try. That feeling from before, when you channeled all that energy... it’s gone. And you’re not quite sure how to bring it back.

“I want food,” you groan, feeling weaker by the second. The man pays you no mind, of course. He keeps running as fast as his feet will carry him. You wonder where he’s taking you. Wherever it is, you doubt it’s anywhere good. It seems like Dr. Garaki isn’t the only crazy bastard in this world.

So, you escaped. Only to be captured by yet another maniac.

And to think that this is only your first day of living.

“It’s going to be okay,” the man reassures, laughing in a shaky, deranged manner. “You’ll see. The two of us... we’ll be happy together. I’ll take care of you and give you everything you want.”

“...is that so? And here I was, thinking that you’d kidnapped the poor girl.”

Another man’s voice. It’s deep, but soft, and it catches you completely by surprise, since you were convinced that no one else was anywhere near you.

The man who kidnapped you cries out, but it’s too late. Something tough and sturdy wraps around his body and immobilizes him, and in the next moment, your feet are resting comfortably on the ground, right where they ought to be.

You look up at your savior, who has pale skin, long disheveled black hair, and a lethargic yet stern expression.

His name is Aizawa Shouta, and he will change the course of your life forever.

“I’ll never understand what goes through the minds of sickos like you,” Aizawa mutters.

“I-I wasn’t doing anything wrong!” the other man frantically protests. He’s bound by some weird kind of cloth, and it’s safe to say that he isn’t going anywhere. “We were just enjoying a nice day out, and she was getting a bit rowdy, that’s all. I was bringing her home so that she could calm down! Isn’t that right?”

He looks over at you expectantly, perhaps hoping that you’ll help him get out of this sticky situation.

But just because you’re more ignorant than the average person doesn’t mean you’re stupid.

It's obvious that he’s a bad guy, just like Dr. Garaki.

“I only met you a few minutes ago,” you say. “And you promised me food but got angry when I wanted to go inside one of the buildings. You grabbed me and forced me to go with you, even though I didn’t want to.”

Aizawa narrows his eyes, and the man chuckles nervously in response. “Sh-She’s always such a joker. Come on, don’t be that way. You’re going to get your old man in trouble.”

“Nice try,” Aizawa comments insincerely. “But I’m afraid there’s only one place for creeps like you.”

The man wails out in protest yet again, but all his pleas fall on deaf ears. It looks like he’s in a lot of trouble. You’re not sure where he’s being sent to, but it probably isn’t someplace nice.

Aizawa grips onto the cloths tightly, but finally spares you a proper glance. “More importantly, are you okay, kid? That must’ve given you a fright. Everything’s fine now. You’re safe.”

You frown. Can you really trust him? It’s only been a few hours since you’ve awoken, but so far, your experience with people has been disappointing to say the least. You’re starting to realize that you have to be more on guard. There’s no telling what someone will do next.

“Who are you?” you ask. “What if you try to hurt me, too?”

Aizawa smiles sympathetically. “Yes, I understand why you might feel that way. But I promise I’m different from this dirtbag. I’m a hero. Protecting people is what I do. That much, I can promise you.”

A hero. For some reason, the word evokes a strong feeling.

Kill heroes. Kill heroes. Kill heroes.

You wince. That voice in the back of your head is acting up again, making you feel all jumbled up and icky inside. It’s the same voice that was commanding you to obey Dr. Garaki. The voice that you instinctively know you can’t trust.

But much like before, you manage to fight against it. You shove it to the back of your mind and disregard what it has to say.

The man in front of you says he’s a hero, and apparently, heroes are supposed to help people. It’s possible that he’s lying. It’s possible that you’re being set up for disappointment again.

But you decide to give him a chance.

“I’m Aizawa,” he introduces.

“I’m [Name],” you say. Even if Dr. Garaki was the one to give you this name, it’s yours now, and you are determined to cherish it.

Aizawa nods, offers you a small smile, then reaches out to you.

You take his hand.

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sheerfreesia007 · 2 days ago

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Twilight Zone

Pairing: Lee Felix x Reader

Word count: 4,014

Content warnings: Angst, infidelity

Summary: It’s the holiday season and to show good faith you agree to spend some time with your father before leaving for vacation with San. But what happens when there’s an unexpected guest to your father’s home?

Part One: Greedy

The clacking keys on your keyboard are duly muted as lively Christmas music plays throughout your office while you work, you hum along to the music as a soft smile graces your face. The Christmas season is going to be here soon and you’re excited since you had been invited to San’s family Christmas vacation not only by San but also his mother and sister Haneul.

You were actually really excited to spend the holidays with San and his family because ever since your divorce from Felix you had pulled away from your father. He had been upset at your decision to divorce Felix instead of staying and working it out with him. And while you had tried to explain to him why you weren’t able to do that he had ultimately told you that he would’ve preferred if you had stayed with Felix.

That knowledge had stung quite a bit and had caused you to keep your father at a distance since the divorce. He had tried to reach out to you but after finding out that he had wanted you to stay with a cheater instead of standing up for yourself had made you realize that your father was still misguided in his way of thinking. The distance had been hard for you because your father was your only remaining parent since you had easily cut your mom out of your life after her affair, but with time San and your therapist had helped you get over the hurt of needing to keep your father at a distance. It was better for your mental health to take a step back from your father.

Just as you can feel yourself start to spiral with the reminder that you’re not as close to your father anymore your cellphone begins to ring with San’s ringtone and his silly contact picture pops up on the screen. You smile widely at the picture before taking a moment to save your work on your computer then pick up your cellphone to answer his call.

”Hey Sannie.” You coo into the phone with a warm smile.

“Hey there sweetheart. Are you almost done with work?” He asks fondly and your eyes dart to your computer screen before falling to the digital clock in the corner of the screen.

”Yeah I should be leaving here in half an hour.” You told him pleasantly. When you went to open your mouth to ask him what he wanted for dinner tonight your desk phone began to ring and you frowned softly at it as your eyes darted over the screen to see your father’s cell phone number displayed. “Hold on San, my dad’s calling my work phone. Can I call you right back?” You ask him distractedly as your eyes continue to stare at your father’s phone number on the display screen.

”Of course babe. Just remember take deep breaths, you’ve got this!” San encourages you sweetly and you smile fondly at him before hanging up with him. You then pick up your desk phone.

”Hi Dad.” You greet your father and cringe slightly at giving away that you’ve recognized his phone number.

”Darling! How are you? It’s been a while hasn’t it?” Your father greets you and the smile that San had pulled from you dimmed slightly at the reminder that you needed to keep your distance from your father for your mental health.

”Yeah it has been. It’s just been a little busy here at work.” You tell him a half truth and he hums in response. “What’s going on Dad? Is everything alright?” You ask him curiously wondering what he had called you for.

”I wanted to invite you and San for a few days to the house to celebrate Christmas. Have you already made plans are do you have some free time to come visit with me?” Your father explains and asks you causing you to frown softly at his words.

”San and I are going to spending Christmas with his family in a ski resort in the next town over. We’ll be there from just before Christmas til New Years.” You tell him and hear his soft sigh in response.

”Alright so your Christmas is booked. But could you come visit before Christmas? I’d like to see you for the holiday.” Your father says in a disappointed tone and you bite your tongue to curb the desire to try and fix his disappointment for him.

”I’ll have to talk to San and see if he’s available.” You tell him honestly.

”Well San doesn’t have to come if he’s not free. I’d like to see you for Christmas if that’s possible.” Your father tries to cajole you into agreeing already to spend time with him close to Christmas.

”I’ll double check with San and I’ll let you know. How does that sound?” You reiterate and hear your father’s soft sigh at your stated boundary.

”Fine, that’s fine darling. Just let me know if you two can make it.” Your father says exasperatedly and you frown as you hear his tone turn harsh and hard.

”What dates were you looking at?” You ask him curiously as you easily pull up your calendar on your computer.

��How about the three days before Christmas Eve?” He asks hopefully and your eyes dart around your calendar before humming softly.

”We’ll have to leave early on the twenty third to get there in time for Christmas Eve. How about we come stay with you on the twenty first and twenty second?” You compromise and your father huffs softly at your words.

”I mean if that’s all you’re willing to give me.” Your father snips out and your eyes narrow irritated as you stare at your computer screen.

”If you’re going to have an issue with what I’m willing to offer than we don’t have to come.” You snap back at him and suddenly your father is backpedaling.

”No, no, I’m sorry. I just miss you darling. I’d be so happy to see you on the twenty first and the twenty second. Find out from San if he’s available and let me know.” Your father says hurriedly. “I hope you guys can make it! Call or text me later when you find out from San. I love you darling.” He says quickly before hanging up the phone. Frowning at the receiver in your hand you hang up the phone before picking up your cell phone and dialing San’s number wondering what had gotten into your father and feeling a pit forming in your stomach.

*-*-*-*

On the twenty first you find yourself staring up at your old family home while sitting in the passenger seat of San’s car. There’s a feeling of unease within you and you can’t place why it’s there. Ever since the phone call with your father he’s been a little more attentive towards you and while you don’t normally respond to him like you used to you still keep the line of communication open. But it all has just been sitting with you weird and you can’t put your finger on it.

”Hey, what’s going on in that head of yours? Everything alright?” San asked softly as his hand slipped into yours and interlaced your fingers. You turned to stare at him he smiled softly before raising your hand and pressing a soft kiss to the top of it. “Tell me.”

”I just feel off. Something doesn’t feel right. He’s been too talkative, too involved almost. It’s like he’s trying to butter me up for something.” You say softly and San looks over at you worriedly.

”We don’t have to go if you don’t want to. If you’re feeling too uneasy about this we don’t have to go.” He reassures you and a smile slips onto your face, the fact that he’s adamant now about having your back whenever you have a bad gut feeling. It was such a nice change from last year when everything went down with Felix. But as you stared at him you knew that with him at your side you’d be able to get through this visit unscathed.

”No, I’d rather just get this over with. Just stay by my side.” You said to him softly with a weary sigh and he frowned softly at your words and the tired look on your face. “I feel like if I don’t go through this visit I’ll regret it and never hear the end of it from my Dad.” You confessed softly and San’s face softened at your admission.

”That’s not really the best reason to have a visit with your Dad. But if you’re sure about this. I’ll be there right by your side the whole time.” He promised solemnly and you smiled sweetly at him before leaning over the center console and kissing him sweetly on the mouth.

”Thank you.” You whispered against his mouth and he hummed softly before pulling you into a deep kiss.

”Darling! You made it!” Came your father’s loud cry and you reluctantly pulled away from San to look out the windshield at your father. With another tired sigh you nodded your head and stepped out of the car. Raising your hand you waved at your father before walking to the back of the car where San eagerly met you and popped the trunk to grab your things. He then let you lead him up towards the house where you father waited for you excitedly.

When you walked up the steps and were close enough your father pulled you into a tight warm hug. You returned the hug but still felt slightly off in his embrace and it made you pull back sooner than you normally would which made your father frown softly at your reaction. He held your shoulders and let his eyes trail up and down your body before grinning widely at you.

”You look wonderful darling!” He said happily as he turned to lead you into the house. You frowned as you realized that he hadn’t greeted San at all before entering the house. San’s arm came up around your shoulders and gave you a side hug before pressing a kiss to your temple to show that he didn’t want to make a scene about it. Choosing to follow San’s lead you stayed quiet and walked into the house with San following close behind you.

As your father leads the two of you into the living room your eyes spot someone already sitting on the couch and you feel your heart thud heavily in your chest with unease. Felix sits on the couch with his elbows on his knees as he watches television, but when he hears your father enter he immediately stands up to greet you as if he had known you’d be coming. The feeling of unease and dread consumes you causing you to feel your breath stutter in your lungs. When San enters the room behind you and notices Felix he steps close to your back until he’s touching it giving you all the comfort and reassurance he can’t just with his presence. You notice Felix’s eyes darken when he spots San standing tall behind you and you internally scowl at his reaction, did he actually think that you would come to your father’s holiday visit without your boyfriend? How did that make sense at all?

”Dad you didn’t tell me that you would have other company for the holiday.” You say warily as you stare at Felix who glares at San. Turning to your father you completely ignore Felix to watch your father smile widely at you with a hopeful look on his face.

”I couldn’t abandon him during the holiday. He has no one to celebrate with!” Your father implores you and you frown softly at his words as you remember seeing Felix with the woman he cheated on you with at the farmer’s market last weekend acting like a loved up couple. You had gone there with San since that was your normal routine on the weekends and the two of you had spotted Felix and his girlfriend there.

As you open your mouth to refute your father’s claims San’s hand comes to rest gently on your shoulder causing you to turn your head to look at him. He shakes his head and you furrow your brows slightly before closing your mouth. San obviously had a reason for not telling your father about Felix’s girlfriend and while you don’t agree with staying quiet you follow San’s lead again.

“Where will we be sleeping?” You suddenly ask your father and he tilts his head to the side at your question and you gesture a hand to you and San causing your father to flush with embarrassment.

”You can’t sleep in the same room.” He blurts out and your face twists into a scowl at his words.

”What are you talking about? We’ve been dating for almost a year now.” You say confused as you watch your father begin to splutter at your admission of dating San since after your divorce was finalized.

”It’s okay, it’s your home. We won’t sleep in the same room.” San says graciously and you frown darkly at his words as you turn to him quietly. “I won’t disrespect your father in his own home.” He says softly to you and you feel at a loss as you feel your control on the situation slipping and San’s reassurance quickly disappearing.

”Good, darling will sleep in her old bedroom while San you’ll sleep in the spare room down the hall.” Your father says happily as he claps his hands and you watch him with a shrewd look on your face noting the distance that was just placed between you and San.

”And where’s Felix sleeping?” You asked your father with a wary look on your face.

”Right next to you in the attached bedroom.” Your father answered and you instantly stiffened at his words. San quickly slipped an arm around your waist and pulled you back against his chest trying to reassure you and calm you down.

”Dad, don’t you think that’s more inappropriate than me sleeping in the same bedroom as San?” You asked bewildered as you stared at your father incredulously. Your father frowned darkly at you and San tightened his arm around your waist knowing that if you pushed your father too much he could possibly ask San to leave and he didn’t want to leave you completely alone in the home with your father and ex-husband.

”No, not at all.” Your father snipped at you and you stared at him bewildered as you tried to understand what he was trying to do.

”It's okay, sweetheart. We’ll make it work.” San said softly to you and you frowned as you turned your head to him surprised. He looked down at you with a softened look on his face trying to get you to understand his concern. “C’mon let’s go put our bags down in the bedrooms and take a moment to relax.”

”Yes, go on upstairs darling. You should relax before we all have dinner together.” Your father said happily as he grinned at you. Frowning still, you nodded your head at San before leading him upstairs to the bedrooms, not even bothering to spare a look at Felix who had been watching both you and San avidly throughout the whole exchange.

Once you made it upstairs to your bedroom San set your suitcase down on the bed while you walked over to the attached bathroom and locked the door that led into your bedroom from the bathroom. San sighed softly as he ran a hand over his face tiredly and exasperatedly before sitting on the edge of the bed. You walked over to him and stood between his parted legs and he looked up at you quietly.

”I don’t want you to think that I’m siding with your dad. I’m not. I don’t know what he’s thinking but I don’t want to push him too hard and have him ask me to leave. I’m not going to leave you alone in this house with the two of them. Don’t worry, we’ll get through this together.” He promised you softly and you frowned at his words finally understanding why he had agreed to what your father wanted.

”Alright, let’s go get you settled and then we can take a nap in your room. Just because I can’t stay with you in a room tonight doesn’t mean I’m going to stay in here for Felix to come and find me.” You said derisively and San nodded his head with a soft smile before eagerly getting up off the bed and following you to the spare bedroom.

*-*-*-*

Dinner that night is awkward when you and San walk into the dinning room. The table is set with four plates and you instantly notice that there’s a place set right next to Felix while another place is set across the table from him. You frown softly at the blatant intention to get you close to Felix before San’s hand grazes your back and you watch as he moves around you and takes the seat next to Felix. Your father frowns darkly at that and Felix shifts in his seat before smiling brightly up at you while you take your seat across from both him and San.

”So darling tell me how has work been? I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever.” Your father began to ask as dinner was served to everyone.

”Work is good it’s been busy.” You tell him vaguely and he nods his head quickly at your words before opening his mouth once more.

”Did you know that Felix finally launched his business last month? He’s been doing very well on his own after the whole incident.” Your father began to ramble and your eyes narrowed slightly at his mention of your divorce.

”You mean the incident where Felix cheated on me with his friend?” You asked bitterly, feeling anger rise up inside of you at how your father tried to brush over something traumatic that happened to you. You watched in disbelief as your father waved his hand in the air dismissively and you felt your eye twitch at his gesture.

”Yes well with the holiday season coming up don’t you think it’s time for you to forgive and let go of the past?” Your father asked hopefully as he cut into his steak before popping a piece into his mouth. Your head whipped to the side to stare at your father with a look of concern on your face.

”What?” You asked in shock as you stared at him.

”The two of you should catch up for old time’s sake and see if you can rekindle a friendship.” Your father said as he continued to cut into his steak and you felt as if you were insane while sitting there listening to him try to suggest that you should befriend your cheating ex-husband once more.

A feeling of helplessness overcame you and you felt as if you were transported back to the time when you tried to tell your father about your mother’s affair that she had been having all those years ago. You sat there staring down at your plate feeling like the helpless teenager trying to make your father understand that his wife didn’t respect him or their relationship as he turned a deaf ear to you. Feeling something almost click into place within you you sighed loudly effectively silencing the dining room before lifting your head and turning towards your father.

”Have you hit your head sometime within the last week?” You asked darkly and your father scowled at you in return as his eyes narrowed.

”Excuse me?” He asked in quiet harsh tone and you shook your head at him.

”You must have if you think I would ever entertain getting close to my cheating ex-husband again.” You said in an uncompromising tone and your father frowned softly at you as Felix stared at you with wide worried eyes and San watched you in silent awe. “I am not you Dad. And I will not let you disrespect me, my relationship with San or my intelligence.” You said coldly and your father began to open and close his mouth trying to find the words he wanted to say.

”Darling, please calm down.” Felix said softly in that sweet tone that he always used on you to reign you back in while you two had been together. You slowly turned your head to stare at him indifferently and he flinched back in his seat.

”I am calm and I can clearly see that coming here was a mistake.” You said confidently as you glared at Felix. “I will not be forced or coerced into spending time with my ex-husband who didn’t even have the decency to tell me that he no longer wanted to be in a committed relationship with me.” You spat out coldly while still staring at Felix with hard cold eyes.

”That’s enough!” Shouts your father and you lazily turn your head to stare at him. “I will not have you insult my guest! If you choose not to get back together with Felix than you leave me no choice but to disown you!” Shouts your father and then smirks comically at you as he crosses his arms over his chest while leaning back in his chair.

Your eyes dart over to San and he watches you with wide eyes, you watch as his eyes stay locked on you worriedly and you feel the love and concern he has for you from across the table and feel yourself soak it in. It fills your body with warmth and confidence as you boldly nod your head before setting your cloth napkin down on the table next to your plate and standing from your chair.

”If that’s what you think is best, then do it.” You say coldly before you tilt your head to the door gesturing for San to leave with you. He stands eloquently and meets you at the doorway leading out to the hallway.

”Darling!” Felix calls out surprised and you look over at him with a slight sneer on your face.

”Go back to your girlfriend Felix. She must miss you tonight.” You say coldly and he flinches back once more in his chair.

”They haven’t been together since the divorce!” Your father snaps angrily and you look over at him to see him glaring hatefully at you and all you feel is pity for the misguided man as you scoff softly at him.

”They were out on a date at the farmer’s market last weekend Dad. I’m sure she’s been warming his bed since they started cheating together.” You said with a shrug of your shoulder. Felix opens his mouth before snapping it closed and your father turns to him quickly with an angry look on his face. You take that moment to wrap your arm around San’s and lead him back up to your rooms to collect your things and leave. “Do you think your family would be too mad at us for showing up early to the resort?” You ask softly and San grins widely at you before shaking his head happily.

”They were more upset that we wouldn’t be there for another two days sweetheart.” He says softly while wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “I’m so proud of you.” He gushes before the two of you quickly leave the house with your suitcases in hand.

*-*-*-*

The next week is absolutely perfect for you as you’re surrounded by people who love and cherish you just as much as you love and cherish them. And as you cuddle up to a giggly San while uploading the picture of your hands entwined showcasing your brand new sparkling engagement ring you find the moment slightly bittersweet but absolutely perfect for the two of you just like how your relationship has been since the beginning.

SKZ Taglist: @intartaruginha, @kayleefriedchicken, @babigriin, @simpforleeknaur, @inlovewithstraykids

#my writing #stray kids #skz #skz x reader #lee felix x reader #lee felix

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dat-town · 1 day ago

Text

wanna be yours

Characters: down bad!Taesan & female reader

Setting & genre: friends to lovers, college au

Summary: Just Taesan going through it with his crush on you.

Warnings: stage names used, alcohol consumption (beer), shooting-related words but in laser tagging context, light swearing

Words: 3.6k

Author’s note: title from the arctic monkeys’ song aka the ultimate down bad song

@restlessmaknae, the thing is i needed something lighter after all that angst and i wanted to wish you merry xmas with something light and happy because i wish you all the best for the next year as well! i am so so proud of you and i told you that this year's time apart would be a preparation for next year! you won't get rid of me this easy though. love you, always! <3

It’s pathetic, really, Taesan thinks, when he immediately perks up as the pizza place’s door opens and he hears your laughter. He makes sure to mask his expression and with conscious effort at least he manages to relax his posture, melting into the fake leather seat of the corner diner before you get to the table.

Jaehyun greets everybody at the table loudly like always, with enthusiasm and no shame that Taesan could never phantom. You follow in suit, much less conspicuous, a wave and an easy smile, sliding into the booth right next to Sungho’s girlfriend. Taesan pretends to check something on his phone but he couldn’t even recall the time read on his screen because when he looks back up, he catches Hyein whisper something into your ear and you look up, straight at him with a smile tugging on the corner of your rosy, shiny mouth. Taesan briefly wonders about the taste of your gloss and if your lips are as soft as they look. Then he blinks and snaps out of it.

Embarrassment makes him flush anyway because please god, let it not be about him, whatever shit Hyein shared. Still, he tries to play it cool and instead of looking away like a coward, like how his first instinct is, he makes a show of raising an eyebrow in question as if taunting, challenging you. Hopefully, he manages to preserve his cool image this way.

What, he mouths and you silently giggle, eyes turning into crescents.

I will tell you later, you whisper back and Taesan hopes relief doesn’t flood his features. It wasn’t about him then.

You order a banana shake with choco chip cookies, your usual, because of course Taesan knows that. He knows an embarrassing amount of your likes for someone who is ‘not interested’ as he has been trying to convince Leehan almost as long as you have known each other.

Taesan still remembers how you came into his life: how quick, with a smile, like a breeze on a scorching summer day. Jaehyun invited you to this house party at his and Sungho’s place because of course, you were one of those friends Jaehyun made along the way with his ridiculously extroverted personality. It was a small flat, too small for so many people and Taesan was starting to regret deciding on this particular gray tee because he could feel sweat dripping down his neck. He needed some fresh air, so he stepped out to the balcony but you were already there nursing your cheap beer.

“Hey,” you turned to him with a smile, bright and friendly, and he just awkwardly stood there not sure whether he should have gone back and left you alone or that would have made things worse. “Taesan, right?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, still hovering by the door even though you didn’t seem bothered by his presence. He was just never really good at interacting with new people. Especially girls, more specifically pretty girls.

“I’m Y/N,” you introduced yourself as if Jaehyun didn’t make sure previously to make it known like the loud nosy friend he was.

“I know,” Taesan nodded, having no idea what else to say. You didn't seem to mind as you just tilted your head with an amused smile and a quiet hum. Then you casually fixed your plaid shirt’s collar and Taesan, following your movements, noticed the graphic tee design underneath that overruled all his introvert tendencies.

“Oh. You like Nirvana too?” He blurted out, his music geek ass crawling out of his cave.

“Yeah, I grew up listening to my father’s LPs and CDs a lot,” you nodded and it broke the dam. You two still talked about favourite bands and songs, concerts you’ve been to and ones on your bucket lists when Sungho found you at 2AM and ushered you inside.

It could have been the start of something but Taesan isn’t delusional. You got along quickly with everybody, he isn’t anything special. You are easygoing and charming, of course everybody likes you and of course, you had a boyfriend. At least in the few months of your acquaintance you had. Taesan actually realized how screwed he was when he heard about your breakup and his first thought was how you deserved better, somebody who supported you and your interests unlike your snob ex. Maybe somebody like him.

The boy suddenly feels a light kick against his shin and it snaps him out of his thoughts. He’s ready to scowl at whoever thought it was funny to do that but then he catches the mischief in your eyes and his annoyance almost immediately disappears as he shares a look with you over the table, ignoring everybody else. Oh yeah, he’s so gone. He hopes he’s subtle enough though because he would sooner dig his own grave than have his friends tease him for his crush.

Taesan might be a masochist because he can’t make himself push you away. He’s generally good at keeping people an arm-length’s away. He’s reserved enough for people to think he’s not interested and they don’t bother to get to know him better. It has never seemed to be a problem for you, ever since that night you keep finding ways to him. You exchange music recommendations, complain about professors and assignments, laugh at Jaehyun’s scaredy cat ass during haunted house night. He listens to you talk about the pressure of being a good enough daughter for your high standard parents and how falling out of love felt; and you listen to his songs.

Maybe it’s your willing vulnerability that prompted Taesan to show you his music. He’s usually beyond cagey with his compositions, he doesn’t even show them to Jaehyun and Woonhak until they are perfect or well, good enough according to his own perfectionist taste which is almost the same and those two share the studio with him! He’s snappy whenever somebody disturbs him during his producing sessions but if that somebody is you? He pulls his claws back immediately, his rough edges softening.

His heartbeat goes haywire whenever you show up in the studio and playfully pull the headphones off his head, checking the music out for yourself, nodding along to the beats. At least then he can watch you closely for your expressions, using his curiosity as an excuse why he’s staring and it’s part of the reason too, so it’s not exactly a lie. He wonders whether you like it, whether you can guess that all his lovesick lyrics recently are about you. He hopes you don’t, he hopes you do.

It’s an uneventful Tuesday night when he’s deep in thought about rhymes that don’t make sense and metaphors that feel forced and just nothing sounds right. When the door to his studio opens quietly, for once he’s almost glad for the disturbance. He turns around in time to see you sneak into the studio, holding a convenience store plastic bag above your head as if it was a humble offering, a white flag.

“I brought ice cream,” you explain with a beaming smile and Taesan is not one to say no to a free late night snack. He doesn’t answer, too starstruck by sight of you in an oversized hoodie, all soft and cuddly, which you take as a good sign and slip further inside, closing the door behind you.

“You didn’t answer my texts, so I guessed you’re here,” you muse out loud as you sit down on the extra chair next to his, offering him a plastic-wrapped popsicle, then unwrapping another one yourself.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, unplugging his phone from the charger to check on the missed texts from his friends before picking on the colourful wrapper.

“It’s okay. I know how you get when you’re in the zone,” you smile sweetly and gosh, how can you be so perfect?

Taesan’s breath hitches when you inch closer, your shoulder pressing into his arm as you take a closer look at the computer screen, at the audio software he uses even though you probably don’t understand what’s going on there.

“New song?” You ask, genuine curiosity in your bright voice, so Taesan hums and tells you that he’s stuck on the chorus. You know nothing about music but he lets you listen anyway because at this point he’s desperate for any pointers and well, he’s weak for you, so it’s not like he could say no to those sparkling eyes.

He plays the half-finished song for you once, picking on the skin around his fingernails in the meantime from the nerves, the popsicle melting in his other hand.

The too big headphones are still on you when you turn to him with the most beautiful, beaming smile ever when the audio file ends in a hundred seconds that has never felt so long.

“It’s so good! Seriously, how can you come up with lyrics like this? And that melody in the beginning? So catchy!” You exclaim, taking the mouse out of his hand, fingers brushing, just to rewind the audio to the beginning and play it again. This time you’re humming along with it, eyes half closed, fingers drumming on the desk. You look so immersed and so enthusiastic that Taesan can feel his heart ache in a way he’s not sure is healthy.

“There could be more instruments in the chorus to make it stand out more but I like it a lot,” you say when you finish your second listen and give him back both the headphone and the control over the computer before you nudge his side playfully. “You’re such a romantic.”

“Am not,” Taesan objects hurriedly, his ears already reddening. Gosh, if you knew that it’s you who’s making him sprout out all these lines about jittery nerves around a crush and wanting to watch the stars together.

It’s hard sitting still, so close that your knee brushes against his sometimes; it’s hard to concentrate on your questions when your floral scent envelops him; it’s hard not to lean closer, to close the gap and kiss the melting vanilla ice cream off your lips.

Shit, woah.

Taesan sucks in a breath and rolls his chair backwards, away from you. You look at him with furrowed brows in confusion, so cute and unaware of your effect on him that he swears you’ll be the death of him.

Summer days seem endless and Taesan makes some regrettable choices in the name of fashion. But as a proud believer of no weather being too hot for black clothes, he cannot back down.

“Aren’t you hot?” You lean closer to talk over the loud music and Taesan immediately feels warmer. If he was Jaehyun, he would make a joke out of it, asking if you found him hot with wiggled eyebrows but he’s not that shameless.

“Nah, I’m good,” instead he lies through his teeth. You shot him a look of disbelief and shrug, looking back to the stage, moving to the beat of music, jumping around, having fun.

“I’m back!” Woonhak raises the bag of drinks in the air like they were some kind of reward and honestly, Taesan has never been so relieved to get a cup of iced Americano.

“What took you so long?” He grumbles though as he tries to cool off with the cold drink.

“Yah, the line was crazy long. Next time you can go,” the younger complains and gets immediately babied by Hyein who definitely spoils him too much.

The next splash of water reaches their group and Sungho shrieks the loudest as he gets soaked while you giggle in your already see-through tee. You have a bikini underneath but still, Taesan has this urge to cover you up. He knows it’s silly, the entire purpose of this event is to get wet in the summer heat but he can’t help it, not when you sing along with some random kpop boy group on the stage. He doesn’t even know why he agreed to come, it’s really not his scene. Sure, he loves music but the water bomb festival isn’t exactly his typical concert experience.

Five minutes later he gives up and slides off his overshirt, tying it around his waist.

“You have moles here,” you point out suddenly and Taesan looks at you a little dumbfounded.

“What?”

“Moles. Here. It’s cute,” you say with an endeared smile and poke his bicep right above the birthmark which is revealed now that he’s only in his sleeveless tee.

Taesan can feel his ears burn and he wants to laugh. You did not just call his arms cute when he worked out in the gym to gain some muscle. But well, let’s look at the bright side: you seem to have meant it as a compliment and while he has never bothered with his moles, long accepting them as a part of him, now he starts to have a love-hate relationship with them because from then on you start poking his bicep just for the sake of it whenever he wears tank tops or t-shirts with shorter sleeves and it sends a flutter down his stomach every single time. He’s positively losing it.

On his birthday, the gang goes laser tagging. Unfortunately for him, you end up on a different team alongside Riwoo, Leehan and Woonhak. Honestly, with Sungho on his team, Taesan is pretty confident, the two of them tend to be the best in these kinds of games and he gets competitive anyway, so he swears he won’t go easy on you.

He even tries to shoot you in the back like a coward, so you wouldn’t get a chance to distract him but you duck at the last minute and avoid it. He starts chasing you then between the maze of neon-lit pillars but a sudden 180° turn of yours takes him by surprise and somehow it ends up with both of you on the ground with your body pressing against his. You push yourself up just enough to look down on him and lying on his back, momentarily breathless after the collision, Taesan swears he feels his soul leave his body because damn, you are beautiful. Your hair is messy, strands of it falling into your face, eyes dilated and shiny, burning with fierce passion.

He is distracted, he doesn’t even notice when you pick up your gun again, not until you shoot him in the chest, the echo of his vest’s switching off sound resonates off the walls. The hell.

“Cheater,” he mutters but with less bitterness than what he would have if it was anybody else.

“Says you,” you retort with a cheeky smile before getting ready to push yourself entirely up, ready to hunt down the rest of his group.

You don’t even make it to your feet though. Taesan pulls you down again with a grab on your wrist but this time he rolls the two of you around, so you are with your back on the floor and he’s the one hovering over you. He sneaks a hand under your head, protecting you from the impact as you look up at him with widened eyes. He feels breathless again and hopes he can blame it on the game.

“What on Earth are you guys doing?” Sungho’s sharp voice comes, seemingly oblivious to the tension around you and Taesan scrambles to his feet, offering you a hand which you take with a grin, the shadow of the previous look still present in your eyes. He doesn’t want to let go.

Later, there’s a cake and a cheesy toast from Jaehyun and you gift him an LP that he listens to over and over again.

Just before the summer ends, you all hang out together by the Han River, eating store-bought cheese tteokbokki and way too spicy ramen on the worn blankets. That’s when Taesan witnesses it: a guy asking you out just a few steps away within earshot when you are returning from your sweets errand.

It’s already been months since you broke up with your ex, so of course, you would want to move on, Taesan wouldn’t blame you nor does he blame the guy because you’re pretty and amazing, what’s not to like. But then you duck your head shyly, glance quickly towards the group that’s mostly unaware why you’re held back and for a moment your eyes meet.

Taesan quickly looks away, the loose threads of the blanket have never been so interesting.

“Ah, I’m flattered but actually, there’s someone I like.”

He hears your answer loud and clear and it breaks his brain. Do you like someone? Who and why didn’t he have no idea? Or maybe you just said that to nicely turn down the guy? Was he not your type? Wait, what kind of guys do you like? What…

He’s still thinking about it, his thoughts on overdrive, when you eventually leave, the group scattering across town after sunset, and he offers to walk you back to your place from the metro station. The air between you is heavy, not just from the humid summer air.

“Taesan?”

“Hm?” He whips his head your way, playing aloof.

“Tell me,” you prompt vaguely and he feels his heart drop. What if you know what has been plaguing his mind? What if you think he’s a weirdo?

“What?”

“You’re thinking too loud,” you explain with a shrug and a small smile playing on your lips. “What’s it about?”

Taesan doesn’t even think this time.

“You,” he blurts out without meaning to and he has half a mind to turn it into a joke, a teasing but you look so genuinely surprised that he can’t make himself.

“What about me?”

He can’t read you. Do you really not know?

“Everything.”

But mostly about how your bright personality and wide smile is like molten sunshine and that it’s unfair because he has always associated himself with the moon and there’s something tragic about being ill-fated from the beginning. About how crazy it is that you’re here asking that question as if there was any prolonged moment in your company when he was able to focus on something else that wasn’t you. About how much he would like to hold your hand and play with your more delicate fingers, pressing his lips to the pad of them, an action somehow more intimate than kissing itself.

But he doesn’t dare to even say that out loud, too afraid of messing up.

You chuckle at his nonsense answer anyways, flash him a shy smile and look away and it’s in moments like this when Taesan lets himself wonder whether you feel differently about him too. Because he’s pretty sure friends don’t look at each other the way the two of you do. Or at least they’re not supposed to.

“Who is it?” He hisses as the question that has been scratching his throat stumbles out and he forces himself to act nonchalant about it, as if your words didn’t have the power to turn his world around. You look at him questioningly and Taesan takes a deep breath, refusing to back down like a total loser, so he clarifies: “The guy you like. Do I know him?”

“Oh,” you mumble, looking down, nerves acting up, and halt your steps. Taesan suddenly wants to take it back because you don’t have to tell him something like that, he’s being nosy and uncharacteristically clingy and… “Do you really want to know?”

Yes.

No.

He doesn’t even know. Because based on your reaction, you do like someone, it wasn’t just a white lie and he doesn’t know what to do with that. But he bites the bullet because it’s better to know than to wonder, he’s already driving himself crazy as is.

“Sure,” he shrugs and he’s being so fake he cringes at himself but at least your eyes are on him again. Shiny doe eyes he knows he will write into yet another song.

“What if it’s someone you don’t like?” You quirk a brow and Taesan has to consciously unclench his fingers. His throat feels tight, the summer air suffocating him.

“You don’t need my permission.”

“Not even if he’s very close to you?” You tilt your head, pouting.

“God, please tell me it’s not Leehan. He cares more about his fish than girls,” he exclaims dramatically, because he doesn’t really think that you would like his best friend since he hasn’t seen you hang out much and he needs to break this awkwardness somehow.

You laugh at his answer, harder than necessary because it wasn’t even that funny. You look at him like he should know already and it’s ridiculous because there’s still uncertainty and tension lingering in the space.

Then you step so close that you crowd into his space, push yourself to your tippy toes and peck him on the mouth. Brief and fleeting but so sweet Taesan feels the sugar rush go to his head. He almost forgets the topic you were on as his brain short circuits.

“Me?” He finds himself asking dumbly. “Really?”

It feels unreal, even with the soft pressure of your fingers curling in his shirt, you staying so close that your breathing fans against his chin.

“Really,” you nod, eyes full of wonder and amusement. Relief.

“Fuck,” Taesan swears under his breath as he slides a hand to your nape and leans down to kiss you properly. He feels your smile against his lips and he can already tell how your friends will get to know the news and that he wasn’t the one who confessed despite his year long crush but at that moment he doesn’t mind any future teasing. Because you like him and suddenly all the silly love songs about the firework-like kisses make sense.

#boynextdoor x reader #bnd x reader #taesan x reader #taesan fluff #boynextdoor fluff #bnd fluff #stories

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