#but also because its such a hassle to post my art online

[levia-kun]

With the ever present threat of your work being scraped and forcing you to glaze the shit to protect yourself and dozen of social media going frankly to shit,

I feel less and less incentivized to share my works online, it's become even more an hassle than it used to be.

Might become one of those artists that drop an illsutration or more effort stuff every once in a blue moon now.

[beach-illustrations]

Would love to hear your review of Artfol once you've settled in a bit! (Probably wouldn't hurt for me to have a more presentable art archive somewhere either, so I'm curious about the alternatives)

of course!! after using artfol for about a week, i do like it! it's still very new, so i wasn't expecting too much off rip from it but it definitely has some good potential if it gets successful!

putting this under a read more because, as per usual, this got long.

to start: the good stuff! good, robust organization thus far for artists. all the art you post gets automatically put in its own separate tab on your profile called gallery in chronological order and any other art and text posts that you share as well as your own art and text posts get put into another tab called feed. the feed is in chronological order from newest to oldest and it's suuuuper nice being able to have an easy place that contains all your original work people can go to without the hassle of punching in specific tags in a search bar (or inputting them into the website url) and hoping for the best. the feed can then be further organized between posts and art, art submitted to challenges, art submitted to submissions and reshares of other peoples stuff.

you can also make collections for your own gallery, so you can have all your fan art in one collection, ocs in another, etc. this isn't just for personal organization either; your separate collections are displayed under the about section on your profile or, if you've got them, links section! i honestly like this a lot. most of my experience of running an art blog comes from tumblr and getting separate pages set up on your blog, while not horribly difficult, does require a bit of knowledge regarding html and manually inputting website urls where you want the links to go. having all of this steam lined is much better. all of this is relatively easy to figure out as long as you're open to just clicking buttons on the website to see what they do, as far as i could find there's no official tutorial available. you can only have a limited number of these without a premium subscription but i haven't a clue as to what that limit even is.

you can also effectively pin certain art pieces that you're proud of to the top of your gallery by putting them in a featured selection. no idea how to do this yet but i do think this in of itself is neat.

customization is light but they cover the basics well. they've got a nice bio and announcement/secondary heading type feature under your username that you can customize, as well as a nice big space for an icon and a big ol' banner you can put your art in. other than that, you can choose a 'theme color' as artfol calls it but it just determines the color of the bar under your banner as far as i can tell on the website version. they also have a separate area for links that automatically turn into the websites icon you're linking back to.

custom warning tags!!! these fully blur the image and you can put as many words to warn others about the content of the art as you want to clarify what someone's getting into if they click show. at first i was worried i could only put one custom warning on an image but nope, it lets you write multiple warnings on the censored image if the NSFW and Gore filters aren't cutting it for the art.

speaking of which; artfol allows NSFW! in places where online spaces have been getting progressively sanitized because big corporations and google ad sense are the ones who can pay the bills of hosting thousands of images and videos on servers, it's nice to see that.

the challenges! other artists can issue challenges to others to either draw their characters in certain outfits, as certain creatures, drawing a piece of art in your style, etc. think some of the various art memes floating around on twitter, except this time they have their own dedicated category! i haven't done any challenges yet but this seems like a great way to socialize with other artists on artfol, as well as stretch your own art skills.

AI art is explicitly banned.

there is an algorithm however it prioritizes art made recently, so artists of all skill level and mediums get a shot at being seen on the front page which is nice! as far as i can tell, your home feed (which is very similar to tumblr's) is in chronological order and doesn't put in any suggested or recommended posts in the middle of the posts of the people you've chosen to follow. the like and share options are easily accessible and when you share someone else's art, it notifies them by telling them that you've pinged them which is... odd to me, but the website doesn't seem to auto credit them any other way in reshares (in contrast, tumblr keeps the OP's username and icon at the top of their own original post when it gets reblogged). i'm also something of a tumblr hermit so this could be a common reshare (reblog?) format else where for all i know and i'm just griping about nothing.

there is a premium subscription you can sign up for as i mentioned earlier. you get stuff like no ads (which you also get if you've got an adblocker on your browser), more collections can be made, you can upload cover art (icons, i think?) for your collections and the art you post, you can have custom profile theme colors (i guess they let you use the color wheel or a hex code instead of the pre seleced colors they already have?) you get more layouts for your featured art on your profile and you don't have to wait 60 days to change your username. oh, and you can make groups that people can join based around one particular thing, however i haven't touched any groups yet because none of them are all that appealing to me.

honestly, a lot of the premium subscription perks are very inconsequential to the core functionality of artfol which is a huuuuge bonus to the devs in my eyes. they easily could have paywalled commission pages or collections all together and them just giving you some extra customization perks instead shows me that the devs are actually focused on making an artist friendly website and app.

over all, artfol is relatively easy to navigate and upload your art to! the base features are solid however the website does have some downsides.

the bad:

the most egregious thing is that I haven't been able to and currently can't access the content guidelines or privacy policy pages. when I first signed up, artfol gave me a link to what the website claimed was the content guidelines however it just linked me to the news page and that really didn't sit well with me.

because the artfol website is so new, I am going to give them a chance and interpret this in the best faith possible and assume that it seems like this is just an issue of certain pages crashing, seeing as I used to be able to access the News page on artfol and now it's just gone like the other pages. on top of that, it seems like every link except for their twitter, android and apple download links, instagram and discord links at the bottom of the artfol website page is broken in the same way. out of all pages eating themselves the content guidelines and privacy policy ones feel like the worse ones to lose. I haven't been able to access the guidelines from the jump and it's been really frustrating. I just got done sending an e-mail to their contact e-mail, so hopefully something good comes from that. in the mean time i've also downloaded the app to try to see if i can find the guidelines and privacy policy on there. I've noticed people complaining about crashing pages in the mobile app reviews so hopefully this is just a case of a website page accidentally eating itself and it's just very unfortunate coincidence that it happens to be some very important pages affected by the crashes.

other than that, the other downsides are that the website takes like a minute and a half to load, clicking on a censored image to view it on your home feed takes you to the individual post and has you un-censor it there rather than directly from your home feed and some features are currently only available to mobile accounts such as commissions tabs, however i'm sure that will eventually be made available to the website version as well in due time. also, while uploading art, not including the custom censor tag or NSFW or gore filters, you can only put 5 tags on your art. these are all only minor annoyances and i'm sure they'll eventually be fixed in upcoming patches.

over all: asides from some concerning hiccups with missing pages, artfol seems very promising for a relatively new, bare bones website! the developers have very much taken a mobile app first, website later approach which at least to me isn't the end of the world, seeing how the website is already doing okay all things considered. the community seems nice and i'm planning on trying out some challenges soon to get more experience using it!

[draikinator]

Man I truly don't want to be a hassle but I'm terrifically confused, I emailed my ban Appeal to Art Fight first back in May and then again in June and a ticket just before af started and never got a reply. I waited awhile hoping maybe once it actually started people would be checking emails more? But nothing. The last email I got from them said I could appeal again in a year two years ago, so I waited. But they said I could appeal again? I thought maybe it got lost in the shuffle, so many people play now, so I went over their help and contact page again and I can't message any moderators on site because- well. I'm banned.

But I HAD been in the artfight discord before and my discord did have my name as draikinator at the time so I clicked the join link to see if I was banned and I was not. So I joined but have not verified so that I can't actually post or see posts because I don't want to act join the server and bother anyone, I just wanted a way to message a moderater and ask if someone could respond to my appeal, even if the answer is no. So I picked a moderator who was active and online and their info led me to believe they were the best person to dm for that. But they just never responded.

They didn't block me, I can still see when they're online, I wasn't removed from the discord, they just never responded. So I don't understand? It seems like I'm intentionally being ignored, but I truly don't know why- they told me I couldn't appeal for a year so I didn't, I can take no for an answer. I just want an answer. I don't want to message another moderator because I don't want to be a nuisance, I really really don't, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm not very good at reading between the lines and I'm not very good at understanding intentions and I'm genuinely very unsure what I should do.

I suggested that I would be willing to follow any extra probationary rules they might want to impose, like maybe I could only revenge people who choose to attack me first, or I'm not allowed to say anything in my descriptions or something, but I also said I would respect their decision if the answer was still no. And I will! I would love to play artfight again. Its brought me a lot of joy in the past and I miss it very dearly. But I don't block evade and if they tell me I can't play I promise I will say okay, thank your your time, I hope I can appeal again in the future.

Should I message another moderator? Is that too far? Should I dm them on some other platform? Should I just drop it and accept they don't want to answer me for some reason? I don't know what the right call is here.

[adam-t-cox]

Self Publishing Overview

Alrighty,

Time to talk about self-publishing. What is it? How do I start? And why on earth would I want to do all that work?

In self-publishing you are going to wear all the hats. Every. Single. One. unless you pay someone else to wear one for you ie. a professional cover artist or designer. So, this will be very labour intensive for you and take a lot of your time. If you are working full-time like I was going into this, then be prepared for a lot of late nights or very early mornings to get the work done.

You are responsible for every step through the process and the very first one might seem like a nonstarter for most of you, but I’ll explain why its very important later in this post. Here’s the list of steps:

1. Read and understand the legal agreements for each service of each platform you are planning on publishing on!

2. Commission a professional copyeditor.

3. Commission a professional artist or cover designer, possibly both. And get the process started, this could take a month or more to complete.

4. Create accounts with all of your platforms.

5. Create an account with your countries ISBN regulatory body.

6. Get the ISBN numbers.

7. Format your paperback and save it as a print-ready PDF.

8. Order proof copies of the paperback version of your book.

9. Format your eBook and compile it into a .ePub file.

10. Make sure all of your materials for publishing are ready. (All artwork, covers, and text files)

11. Review and make any necessary changes on each format.

12. Publish your work and celebrate all of your hard work. You’ll deserve a weeklong vacation by the end of it.

13. Apply for your copyright! it’s cheap and easy compared to the alternative legal fight you may have if you don’t!

Now I’ll be going into more detail on each of these (excluding #1) in later posts but for now I’ll give a brief overview of what to expect from each one.

First, reading that damned legalese. This is something you want to do with a large pot of coffee, and a giant bag of peanut M&M’s. I won’t sugar coat it, reading this crap sucks. I hated it, but I’m glad I did read it. This is the binding agreement between you and the platform you will be using. It details the terms of the agreement, the rights and responsibilities of each party involved in the agreement, and any penalties that will be incurred if the agreement is broken. The penalty part is for you, none of these entities are going to be held liable for anything that happens to you or your work. Read these agreements carefully! The three platforms I used have agreements that were easy to read, understand, and had nothing I didn’t expect to see in them. One platform, who I won’t name because their legal department can be a bunch of dicks most of the time* was super sketchy in their agreement. It was about three times the length of the others, and basically gave them a lot of rights they shouldn’t have when it comes to your work.

On the positive note, there was some great stuff in there detailing DRM or Digital Rights Management and how each platform would take steps to ensure your work is protected online. Two of the platforms also have programs in place to ensure your book is accessible to libraries around the world, which is pretty cool and great because who doesn’t love libraries. They’re awesome.

Next a copyeditor. This one is easy. You suck at editing, admit it, and move on. Hire a professional and your work will be 10x better.

Probably at the same time as the copy editor, commission a cover from an artist or designer or both. I’ll go into more detail later, but this is important for obvious reasons as it’s the face of your book. Its going to take a while to make so start the process early on.

Next, while you are waiting, create the accounts with all of your chosen platforms. It may take up to two weeks for your account and banking information for payments and tax forms to be processed and approved. So again, get this done early.

Also find your country’s ISBN regulatory body. US: Bowker. Canada: Library and Archives Canada. Create an account and wait for it to be approved. Again, this can take you to two weeks. When its approved request (Canada) or buy (US) your ISBN numbers. You’ll need one for each format you publish your work in. Hardcover, paperback, and eBook all need their own numbers.

Now onto formatting. This is easily a weeks worth of work for each edition (I’m talking outside of your normal life responsibilities here work, family, sleep etc.). My suggestion is once you get back the copyeditor’s notes start this for your paperback version first.

Once the paperback is formatted you’ll need to submit your PDF’s for the cover design and body of the book and order proof copies so that you can check the look. Artwork brightness or colour profile might need tweaking, or the margins may need adjusting. Depending on which country you are in this can be a hassle. Thanks to Covid and the Canada-US border being shut down it took nearly two weeks to get my copy whereas someone in the US could have theirs in two days.

While you wait for the proof copies you’ll need to format your eBook. This process is complicated, and a total pain in your butt, be prepared for the suck. I’ll have a very detailed post on this later on. Long story short: Use Scrivener it’s the cheapest option to get the job done, they have good articles, and the finished product looks great.

Now let’s say you didn’t snap your laptop in half and throw it over a bridge after all of those frustrations and what is now probably months of work. You’ve got everything organized, and ready to publish. What’s next? What are you forgetting? What do I do now?

PUBLISH IT!

Your work will be up for review on each platform, some will go live before others, but it’s done. Congrats. Apply for your copyrights update your ISBN logbook and call it a day. Take a week off, you deserve it.

Now after all that you might ask: Is this really worth it?

Yes, yes it is.

At the end of the day, I am biased on this subject. I loved and hated the process of getting this thing done, but I was so happy when I was holding a copy of my book in my hands after eight years of work. If you want specific reasons how about these:

1. Full Creative Control:

You are in charge and have full rights to do whatever you want with your work. You get to publish it with every little amazing thing you put into your book, and no one can tell you to change it. Your cover art is your choice, the fonts are your choice. This book will feel completely and wholly yours from cover to cover.

2. Bigger Royalties:

As a self-published author you set your prices for each of your works. You also get a bigger share of the profits. Traditional may give you up to $1 if you are lucky and a damn good author. Self-publishing even with your prices sitting well below sale prices in brick and mortar stores you’ll see a bigger margin then that.

3. Bragging Rights:

Self explanatory really, at this point you are amazing, no one can deny that. If they try, stuff a copy of your book in their mouth.

And again, that’s enough typing for one afternoon.

Hope this enlightens you a bit, more good stuff to follow in later posts,

-Adam

P.S. The next post will be focused on starting the search for a literary agent.

P.P.S. *Hint: it rhymes with schnapple.

[bluecastleheadcanons]

Karasuno Youtuber Headcanons

Haikyuu YouTube AU!! +plus some coffee shop stuff

Hinata Shouyou

Very chaotic 

Does challenges

Storytimes

Loud all of the time

Kenma is his internet best friend and they do collab live streams

They also play online video games together but Hinata socks at them

They both have fun though and people love seeing Kodzuken laugh

Collabs with Lev

Sports videos 

He has a part-time job at a sports store

His volleyball highlights 

Also surprisingly good volleyball tips and tricks

"SPIKING TIPS FROM THE FUTURE TINY GIANT!!"

Vlogs

He, Yams, Yachi, Tsukki and Kags have a joint channel where they have sleepovers and do fun little skits

In one of those videos they convinced Tsukki to give Yachi a piggyback ride

It was so cute

The whole sleepover thing is very domestic and Yams makes dinner while the other three will wash up after

His fans think he's very cute

Kageyama Tobio

Volleyball highlights 

Collabs with Hinata a lot

"Quick attack tips ft the human tangerine"

Doesn't post often 

The occasional vlog or challenge 

People think Oikawa is his brother for some reason

No one knows why or where it came from

Oikawa has shown up in only one of his videos and it was during a volleyball collab

They spoke once but apparently, that was enough for fans to make this conspiracy that even though they have different last names they were brothers

Yes volleyball Collabs 

It's when they (everyone mentioned in this list) all come together and play a couple games

Him, Hinata, Daichi, Yaku, Bokuto, Oikawa and Iwaizumi play for the teams in their areas (since they don't go to college and Iwa's FS doesn't have a VB team) the rest play for their college team

He works at the same place as Hinata

his fans think he has two personalities because he acts so different with Hinata

I forgot to mention but Kags lives with Hinata

Yamaguchi Tadashi

Soft 

Does get ready with me plus storytimes 

"Get ready with me pt3 ft the time I got lost at the mall"

Reactions 

Collabs with Tsukki/lives with

His editing is so cute

Lil effects pop up on screen

He works at a cute cafe

Gets to bake the cakes and breads for the place

He really likes it there

Even if he has to take a train and a bus to get there

baking videos

Teaching Yachi to bake and Hinata and Kags to cook 

"Teaching my friends how to adult pt 4 ft Kags, Hinata and Yachi" 

Vlogs when he's out with the others and they do it too

He and Tsukki live the furthest away from everyone and travelling up is a huge hassle but he literally doesn't care

Tsukki does but Yams doesn't 

This man would climb the sun for his friends 

Fans get really sad when its winter and his feckless fade

There's a cute video clip out there from one of the volleyball collabs of Oiks helping Yams with serving

He participates in Sugas mental illness awareness week thing 

Him and Yachi usually do the segment for anxiety and panic disorders

His fans think he is baby and forget how tall he is 

like damn this man is almost as tall as Tsukki

Tsukishima Kei

Reaction channel

Salty saltyshima

Judges everyone its so fucking funny

His reactions consist of him looking into the camera with a look in disgust and mumbling what the fuck 

has one vlog on his challenge and its cus Yams made him make it

Fans ask him to react to Hinata, Kageyama,kuroo and bokuto's channels those are a fan favourite 

He reacts to horror movies occasionally 

"Why do people find these scary pt12"

Those are funny

"Oh my God, just fucking run!" "What is wrong with you??!" "You are the reason I want to dye my hair" "I knew she was gonna die" 

Collabs with Yams featuring soft Tsukki 

Take a shot every time this man rolls his eyes or says "tch" 

Can and will debate with you 

Does something like BuzzFeed unsolved with Kuroo 

He's a sceptic 

Kuroo flinches at every noises

And Tsukki is here sipping his invisible wine not giving a fuck 

"But Tsukki someone died there"

"Someone probably died at the Chipotle we just ate at" 

He works at a book store 

Yachi Hitoka

Very shy and nervous

Anxious baby 

Does get ready with mes

Cute room decor videos 

Her video titles are so misleading 

"Rearranging my entire apartment because I have anxiety ft the Bois"

And then in the video, she is this 4"11 cutie whose living room is pink

Fans find her videos really cute

Goes to college for interior design and graphic design 

Does baking videos sometimes 

She cannot bake to save her life but watching her try is entertaining 

Sometimes her and Oikawa attempt to cook

"Making angel food cake with the grand king"

Her apartment building is across from the one Iwa, Oiks, Makki and Mattsun live in so when she needs some help and the boys are busy she'll go to them

"Painting my living room for the fifth time this year ft new friends???"

That video was messy they were covered in paint

She has a wall of paint handprints of the people who have helped her

So far: hinata, kags, tsukki, yams, dai, suga, asahi, noya, tanaka, iwa, oiks, kiyoko, and kuroo

Can be seen in some of Matsuhana's skits

Works at the same cute cafe as Yams 

She participates in Sugas mental illness awareness week thing

her and Yams do the segment for anxiety and panic disorders

It was highly requested Yams taught her how to bake

Nishinoya + Tanaka

Definitely gaming

Also sports 

Work out videos 

Parkour

Those dumbass who do the dumbest shit like concrete their heads into a microwave 

Please help them

Shares an apartment 

Noya can actually draw and does art ticks and tricks

His drawings are really good and he does commissions

He works at an art studio and helps out kids

Tanaka, however, sucks at drawing and people love to see him try

"TEACHING RYUU TO DRAW PT4" 

He works at the same sports store as Hinata and kags

They do prank videos 

collabs with Makki and mattsun 

Those videos are so fucking chaotic 

Asahi is usually the victim but after one of their pranks went wrong and Daich walked into it they stopped pranking Asahi for a while 

Collabs with Asahi and Kuroo and Bokuto

Sometimes with Yachi, if she needs the extra help 

Constantly post photos of each other sleeping 

Fans think they are fucking hilarious 

Sugawara Koushi

Vlogs

Chaotic storytimes how is this man even alive

Gets Embarrassed very easily which makes all if his storytimes really funny

"I tripped over at the airport...again"

Does advice videos

"What to do when……. Pt21" 

His channel has no consistency his videos are all over the place

Collabs with Daichi and Asahi lives with them

Does cooking videos 

Swears???

Bleeps out with cute noises tho

He's shorter than he looks

Bc most of his videos are with Daichi who is also short when fans meet him its a bit of a surprise 

Collabs with Oikawa sometimes fans like to see them interact 

Collabs with Yaku!!

Goes to college for psychology 

College vlogs

Gets anxious when posting and overthinks a bit too much 

Organises mental health awareness week posts with Iwaizumi, Oikawa, Asahi, Bokuto, Akaashi, Yachi, Yamaguchi and Kenma

Basically where each of them post about me talking health for their assigned topic and some collab like Iwa and Oiks and Yams and Yachi

He does the first post which is where they all do a qna together and fans ask related questions 

Doesn't drive so Daichi drives him everywhere 

He is very good at taking care of people 

Fans think he was some sort of mother spirit in a past live

Sawamura Daichi 

Work out videos 

 Life Advice videos 

Has a bunch of bloopers because Suga doesn't know how to knock 

There is one blooper video where all it is just Suga walking in on him filming

"My roommate doesn't know how to knock" 

Car trips car trips vlogs

He does storytimes in his car

"How I lost my tooth" 

Slight lisp because of said tooth

This man drives a lot

If he's doing a storytime in his car and people start honking (not at him just in general) he will look into the camera as it zooms in and a fun Lil tune plays in the back 

Grocery vlogs

Personal trainer at a gym

Drives Suga to college

doesn't know how to feel about people calling him daddy 

Suga just laughs at him

Is hugely clumsy and trips over everything 

The coffee table has missing pieces because of how many times this man has walked into it

Drops his camera and phone daily 

Most of his fans are thirst and the other ones thank him

Azumane Asahi

DIYs

I'm talking like troomtroom but actually good and useful life hacks 

Does camera work for Suga and started off with that

He looks scary but Suga is the one you gotta look out for

Does tips on how to deal with anxiety 

Meditation 

Posts calming videos to help you sleep 

Photography goals

There are many many compilations of Suga and Daichi bullying him made by fans

Flustered by thirst comments 

works at the same coffee shop as Yachi and Yams

Collabs with Tanaka and Noya

Gets bad post anxiety 

Anxious boi 

Participates in Suga’s mental illness awareness week 

His segment is on what to do to help someone having a panic/anxiety attack and what the differences are

Even tho Dai and Suga are more like the parents if those two are doing something stupid or risky Asahi can go from child to parent real quick 

Honestly, those two can be complete children sometimes

Very good at taking care of people

He never forgets a thing and he makes life hacks for forgetful people 

Daichi and Suga are constantly forgetting things

Asahi thinks he has enough footage of that two forgetting stuff, tripping and just being children in general that he could make at least 5 compilations 

Fans actually really like him

Kiyoko Shimizu 

THE NON CONTROVERSIAL MAKEUP ARTIST

She's so damn nice to everyone 

No one can hate her

Her make-up skills are afuckingmazing

Her looks are always perfect

Her works as a hair and make-up artist for a production school

She appears in Yachi's videos often

I don't really have a lot for Kiyoko 

[koeii]

Mun Information.

Repost rather than reblog, thanks!

Basics

name (or preferred online name): Arya.

age: 26

birthday: may 23rd

country: usa.

fluent in: english, sarcasm, romanian ( written), spanish  ( written )  Writing details:

preferred genres/tropes/aus: horror, angst, psychological, thriller, dark genres in general, romance, I prefer slow burn plotted threads over fast burn out ones. i also love anything related to god lore, it’s something i love and i love worldbuilding for that reason. 

disliked genres/tropes/aus:  A/B/O related themes as a whole due to the content and nature of that given nature, it doesn’t mesh well with me because of the implications of shit in verses like that. Cancer related plotting is a really sore spot for me, and drug use for a plot is a flat out no, weed is fine but hard drugs is a big no. 

preferred writing styles: i prefer plotted and muilt para as far as writing goes, i can do shorter thingd but prefer long plots / threads. it’s a lot easier for me and it gives me more of a feel for you muse. 

personal icon preferences (do you use them? do you prefer certain sizes? ect.): i do use them, but i have no issue with not using them. sometimes you just don’t have the resource available and with this blog is a main issue due to me wanting to avoid racebending. my icons tend to be 85 /85 only because thats what i crop at but i try not to go smaller than that.

partners icon preferences (do you prefer your partners to have certain icon styles or not care?): i dont care what they use as long as i can see what they’re trying to get across. any other details about your writing preferences you want to include: i prefer for you not to have small assed font, i mean double small font, its really hard for me to read it and a hassle.  Get to know me:

what fandoms do you consider yourself a part of, even outside of this blog?: honestly, anything? supernatural, the witcher, marval, the mortal instruments, the dark materials, naruto, avatar the last airbender, inheritance cycle, game of thrones, kingdom hearts, ect, there’s a lot i know outside of overwatch, im willing to adapt my muse to it.

what fandoms are you entirely uninterested in?: stranger things, riverdale, once upon a time. teen wolf, there’s others i can’t remember at the moment.

favourite foods: anything that is under indian culture, to be frank, it’s s real soft spot for me. 

favourite drinks: tea, water, sake from time to time.

hobbies: writing, video games, character development, sleep, being bad at art and photoshop.

list ten things you want to do in the future: be healthy, get a place with my better half, finish school, i actually like, be financially stable, get myself to fucking learn to drive, pay off my debt but yah.

what do you wish would change in the rp community?: just fucking block if someone makes you uncomfortable or does shit, dont call it out on the dash, its no ones buisness but your own. its just annoying as shit seeing callouts, i literally have a zero tolerence, like if you post any i unfollow, i dont need a reason, keep that shit off the dash. people like sticking their noses in shit on this hellsite.

what are some of the things you love about the rp community?: these amazing people @adversitybloomed​ @huckleberrytm​ @affcgato​ @dissolvedshadows​ @daniwrit​ @omniphrenia​  i’ve known a lot of people within my time here and just its good to make people that support you and see you grow as a whole. <3

anything else you’d like to add?:nah but read this and consider yourself tagged.

[charlenelouise-gdc]

3.4 — FMP:

Fan Culture: FMP Development

After much thought, more research and further exercises, I came into the conclusion that I would like to pursue my third FMP idea revolving around fan culture. Even though I am passionate about all the subject areas from the other ideas and the way I plan on executing them, I feel like this is the right one to pursue at this stage of my creative career. I would like to use London as a resource to find content, as well as use the studio facilities available.

Overall, I think the project covers a topic that is both equally fun to do, but also something insightful and offer interesting commentary (on women, society and community). I like the challenge of bridging “low art” (pop music) and “high art” (documentary filmmaking). More so, documentary style filmmaking is one of my stronger skills as a creative, as proven by my FMP in Year 02, and is something I would like to build on. This project would allow me to level up my skills on this technique/style of filmmaking. I think there’s something comfortable as well as challenging in this project. 

The following bellow details some development I made on the idea, as the laying foundations for the project...

RECAP FROM THE EARLIER BLOGPOST:

“Fangirl” Culture

Like I said earlier, I’ve always wanted to champion women or pursue female centric stories in my work. Out of all the things out there regarding the feminine experience, nothing speaks more of it other than boybands and fandom culture. Its always been a persistent part of girl culture; whether it’ll be a pop band or a rock band. I think this would be an interesting world to explore.There’s already a preferred narrative around fangirls - the rabid, crazy kind. Although that is true in some extreme cases, it would be unfair to only present this as the only side of the story. I would like to show the other, more wholesome side. Fandom culture goes beyond the band and the music; in fact, they are only mere catalysts. Fandom culture is ultimately about identity and community; through the band and music, many young girls across the world is given the opportunity to own something and begin to have a good sense of themselves - ultimately forming an identity. Also, its about community; they’re able to connect with others and form strong bonds simply because of the band/music. You can see this, in the queues before gigs or the excitement they discuss their favourite member. Above all, it speaks about a different kind of joy that is often belittled.At present, a lot of the coverage around fandom culture are often done by people outside the community (with negative preconceived ideas which already suggest a bias). It would be interesting to see it from the people in the community themselves. I want to give the girls the voice and and let them reclaim the narrative. Ultimately, tell it from a loving lens. Also, I believe this is quite telling on how female passion is portrayed and what is acceptable, depending on the demographic. Football fans chanting? Perfectly fine. Girls screaming at concerts? Insane. This is aligned with women’s negative and dangerous relationship with hysteria throughout history. I think there is an interesting window to explore the social implications around fan culture. Additionally, I like the challenge of taking something from pop culture and considered as low art, and give it context and background. After all, it deserves to be studied carefully as much as its high art counterparts (From Stuart Hall’s theory Representation: feminine taste = low art, Masculine taste = high art). Above all, I think it would be equally as fun as well to do. It’s would be cool to celebrate fan culture, where its alive and present. Not just through a nostalgic lens. References: BTS’ documentaries: Bring The Soul (2019), “I used to be Normal” Documentary on fangirls across the ages (2018). 

FMP Development

I would still like to focus this project on BTS and their fans specifically. They’re the biggest boy band in the world right now and their fans are ones of the most active, both online and offline. I want to be able to document a part of this culture, while it is still happening and its best (rather than through a nostalgic lens). Most importantly, their work and music are monumental in many ways; they’re crossing boundaries, not only in the music but in race relations, toxic masculinity etc. Their global influence must not be undermined. 

Documentary Style

For this project, I would like to mix both real life footage to stylised setting. My main point of stylistic reference is Roxy Rezvany’s “Little Pyongyang”. She used a stylised set for her interviews, while also having real life, observational shots of her interviewees natural habitat/form. 

I think this would be a good technique to use for this documentary. 

I would like to build my own “teenage bedroom”. After all, this is one of the main touch points for fan culture and feminine culture in general. We learn so much about our tastes right there; this is evidenced in the posters on our walls and the CDs we used to collect. This is referenced a lot in Teen/Coming of Age films. I feel like this would an interesting setting for my interviews to take place. Anyway, it would be harder to film into people’s individual bedrooms. It would make filming easier if I can take my interviewees into one place, rather than going to theirs with my crew (setting up and wrapping up in all of them). More so, I think this is a good opportunity for me to use and improve my art direction skills (see image above for reference). I would decorate the set, referencing the 90s, personalised to a Kpop fan’s perspective (see reference above).

Content

The narrative will be crafted from the content being produced; the interviews will play a crucial role into this and will be the key part of this project. From the emotions to the personal anecdotes, it all stems from this. Therefore, I need to craft the interview questions I’m going to be asking, to trigger the “right” answers or reactions. More so, I really need to pay attention on the actual filming day, so the rhythm/energy of the interview is kept and the questions isn’t answered twice/already embedded on what they formally just said. More so, a technique I was taught/learned from my old FMP was to keep silent in some parts of the interviews, as the interviewees would naturally fill the silence themselves and bring their own thoughts onto the table. 

In terms of content, London is rich in terms of resources. It hosts so many hot spots for this fan culture and explore it in real life, in real time.

Some ways this can be executed:

Recall past major events (e.g. BTS Samsung AD that played in Piccadilly Circus that garnered so many fans).

Fan Hang-Out Places (e.g. Gaza cafe, specialising in Korean dessert, in Soho decorates their stores when members of the boybands and make special one-off desserts to commemorate their birthdays. A tradition among fans has then been developed where they make a pilgrimage to this place, to celebrate their favourite members’).

Replicating their steps (e.g. when BTS visited London in their last tour, they took pictures around London when they went exploring in their own time; fans replicated the pictures they took). 

Regular Kpop dance classes are held (e.g. BASE studios near Vauxhall).

BTS has an upcoming tour for their latest album, Map of the Soul:7, which includes London as one of their stops. There will be fan-led events leading up to the concert to celebrate their return. 

Potential Interviewees

There are few interviewees I think would be good options. Twitter was a good resource to look into, as it is one of the main hot spots for this culture to exist in. In particular, I would like to interview the following:

Lucy Ford (@lucyj_ford) - social media for Netflix

Ellie Bate (@eleanorbate) - buzzfeed reporter

Ikran (@ikran) - buzzfeed reporter

These girls are all what I call “professional fangirls”... They all have media jobs and respected in their profession, yet have unapologetic enthusiasm for BTS and their community (they have good followings on their social media too). They offer insightful but also equally fun things on the day to day through their twitter accounts; I think they would offer the same in a personal interview. Most importantly, they’re all close friends. I think they would have excellent chemistry on screen and their natural friendship would light up the interview. 

I would like to interview fans too, of all different backgrounds and races, inquiring how the band has impacted their lives. I want to achieve something similar to this, but communicated in my own personal style and design (rather than the typical, point and shoot interview). The content I want to capture is definitely there (in what they’re saying, how their band affected them personally, their community)...

Note: Professionally, I would like to only involve fans who are 18 years old and above, so it doesn’t interfere with filming; if I choose people who are 16 years old, it would require a legal guardian to sign a consent form and they have to be on set as we film - this could be a lot of hassle. Even though I’m not getting a full scope of the demographic this way, I think this would be the more sensible option. In addition, I feel like leaning towards the older end will give me more articulate, in depth answers. I think it would be a good idea to contact those who already has a platform, whether its a Twitter account with a reasonable following or a Youtuber who post videos. In a way, I feel they would feel more at ease at being in front of the camera and good at expressing opinions/feelings. I feel like I would do less teasing out of information during the interview if they naturally bring the information themselves.

I also plan on getting in touch with some UK based fanbases to help me boost the idea and find people to interview. This includes:

@BANGTANUK  @BTSUKUNITE @UKBTSARMATION @BANGTANSCHOLARS

____________________________________________________________

I look forward into narrowing this project further and progress onto fully forming the project. It feels very much my own and I’m ready to take care of it. 

Next steps:

Create proper pitch deck to send to interviewees*

Compile list of potential interviewees and rank them

Contact and introduce myself to interviewees

Create skeleton structure of the documentary*-

Create draft for interview questions*

Run a test interview (to check which questions work)*

Refine Set Design with accurate measurements*

Prop Buying

Contact potential Builders for the set

* urgent tasks - just because the film is non-fiction, planning is required and I must recognise where the beats of the film should be. This is something I failed to do in the D&AD project. Although I am crafting a narrative from non-fiction pieces of information and is dictated by the content of the interview, I should’ve known where to place them in advance. 

[doomedandstoned]

Closer To The End (part III)

I contend that human beings are not suited for the world we've fashioned for ourselves. Cases of anxiety and depression are practically ubiquitous, and suicide in all age groups is once again on the rise. Some will suffer mental afflictions that last years -- perhaps even for a lifetime. This is the third and final part of my story.

~By Billy Goate~

Cover art by Ruso Tsig additional art by Karl Briullov

I'm so tired of hearing that I'm wrong Everyone laughs at me, why me? I'm so tired of being pushed around I feel like I've been betrayed

We take each other's love, forget to give back Isn't it a pity, how we break each other's hearts I know we're only human and not to blame But who the hell are you to cause so much pain Why...

MEDICATION

My parents have been anti-establishment for as long as I can remember. In the climate of the 1980s, the institutions of the day were being called seriously into question. One of them was the authoritarian nature of public education (there's a reason why Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" resonated so strongly with people). It's no surprise that my family got caught up in the first wave of the homeschooling movement. Other areas of modern life began to be called into question, as well, taking the family down a dark, windy road that led into conspiracy culture, extreme libertarianism, and religious dogmatism.

This distrust of the "experts" put us at odds with the medical establishment, too. "Doctors only know how to do two things," mom would often proclaim loudly in one of her famous rants, "cut you open or prescribe you pills." Natural medicine held the keys to recovery from all ills, be it cancer or the common cold. "All those chemicals aren’t good for your body," she insisted. "God put everything we need for healing in the ground." I’m not here to knock naturopathy (I was an ardent follower of this way of life for years) nor my mother for her convictions, but there are some things that can’t be cured by Saint John's Wort and herbal tea -- major depression being one of them.

At one point, my anxiety, melancholy, and a generalized feeling of social isolation reached such a heightened state I turned to hypnotism, enamored by an obscure radio program hosted by Roy Masters and his Foundation for Human Understanding. I was too young to understand the significance of most of the bullshit he was spewing, but it was the comprehensive approach to life that appealed to me. I wanted answers -- all of them. About the only thing I got out of it, though, was learning how to make my own arm go numb through self-hypnosis.

Later, I'd get caught up in a movement of Biblical counseling that rejected psychiatry altogether. "Christ has given us all things we need for life and godliness," says the holy writ, ergo we need none other than Jesus to cure our mental ills. Furthermore, the thesis said, since "God has not given us a spirit of fear" it must mean that the root of depression and anxiety is ultimately sin against God. The answer? Confess your sins and walk by faith, not by sight. In short, pray the sadness away. All of this had limited effectiveness in coping with the claustrophobic cloud of melancholy that was constantly with me.

Cough & Windhand: Reflection of the Negative by Windhand

The stigma of psychiatry and modern medicine kept me from treating my depression for damn near a decade. Somewhere in my late twenties, after a prolonged and particularly dark depressive spell, I decided to talk to my medical doctor about antidepressants. He started me on the industry standard, the well-known and well-marketed Prozac, which became a household name in the '90s. I took the first dose at bedtime and when I woke up, I was seriously hating the daylight. Feeling extraordinarily fatigued, all I wanted to do was sleep. I called in a rare sick day from work. The next day I was feeling groggy, but well enough to return. Giving it the good ol' college try, I took Prozac for several weeks as directed, but the side-effects just weren't worth it for me. That’s when I was referred to my first psychiatrist.

It was a weird feeling sitting in the waiting room for my appointment. I felt like I’d joined the ranks of the fragile, broken, and confused, perhaps even the insane. It was hard for me to see myself sharing anything in common with the others that shared the tiny lobby. The psychiatrist who greeted me looked like a regular chucklehead -- you know, one of those sidekicks from a sitcom that's not coming to me now. (It just came to me: Glen from the Tom Green Show.) A paunchy man in his 30s with wavy dirty blonde hair parted to the side donning wire-rimmed glasses, the shrink pulled out a notebook and started asking me about my background, while he busily took notes. Turned out, the man was very methodical in his approach. Over the course of the year, we cycled through all kinds of drugs -- Paxil, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Zoloft, and a lot of other names I'm not remembering, before finally settling on Cymbalta.

Certainly, this was something I didn't want to share with my coworkers, much less mom and dad. The first time I told my brother I was taking antidepressants, he was outraged. “You don’t need that stuff in your body. You don’t need pills to feel good.” I don’t know what it is about antidepressant medication that offends people so badly, but some people feel it is their personal mission in life to get you off of them. Why all the evangelical fervor? Are they secretly afraid they are "nuts," too? It’s not like I’m trying to get everyone else to take my medication, but suddenly these people, well-meaning or not, are trying to get you off of your meds.

I’ve seen YouTube videos from a guy claiming that God has cured him of his bipolar disorder and he flushed all his pills down the toilet (bad idea, by the way). Then a month later, he comes back online crying uncontrollably, talking about how he feels like God is testing him and asking viewers to pray to stop Satan’s onslaught. Moral of the story: It's dangerous to let people's religious opinions and untested hunches drive the agenda for our mental health.

I'm very reluctant these days to talk to anyone about my depression, because of all the rush to judgement involved. Ironically, it's this breakdown of community that I believe is at the heart of much of our mental health issues as a society. Look at the comments on any confessional video addressing burnout, depression, or anxiety and you'll find everyone is suddenly an expert who knows so well the precise and perfect solution to your problems. Well-meaning or not, it's incredibly annoying and I'd rather not have trouble with it. Hell, it took me two years to finish this article.

Depressed people are often viewed with the same cynical dismissiveness ascribed to angsty hormonal teens. "It's just a phase, you'll get through it," you're told with the reassuring wave of a hand. Besides, they remind you, "Happiness is a choice!" Because they are feeling chipper today, they have little patience for you dampening their mood. Others call you edgy when you say the pressures of life are so great that you feel like just turning off the lights on all of it. Still others will view you as selfish for leaving the family reunion early (or not wanting to participate in holidays at all). When you spend the whole weekend in bed sleeping, they'll accuse you of being indulgent, not realizing sleep gives you a respite from the hurt, guilt, and regret of painful memories or the misery of an unstable home life. Or the well-meaning "It Gets Better!" It doesn't always get better as life moves on.

Then there are those who try to talk you off your meds, entirely (cue: the ridiculously overwrought Facebook posts). We've all been privy to those conversations that strike a conspiratorial tone about how it was really the pharmaceutical companies that led to Chris Cornell's death. "You should just get off the stuff," they argue -- be it from noble intentions or just pride from clinging to an opinion they've stubbornly invested in.

Then there are those who are convinced that since Jesus (or Buddha, Allah Oprah, Jordan Peterson or juicing) gave them an escape from their depression, certainly it is the universal cure for all that ails you. Understand that I was a committed Christian for decades. I know what it is like to feel spiritually serene and I value many of the things the church gave me as a young adult, namely the fellowship, tolerance, and love. I know the feeling of peace that comes from believing in someone who reigns over the chaos and cares about your every need -- an ultimate being who will make sense of the nonsense one day.

I don't wish to diminish anyone's faith or diminish your personal experiences. The fact is, however, that major depression is as much a physical illness as cancer is. Certainly, there are transitional feelings of unhappiness, emptiness, and despair that come from facing situations that seem out of one's control -- the nightmare roommate, being laid off from a job, losing a loved one. It's also true that in most cases, this sadness can be overcome by a new perspective, trying better strategies, or simply allowing the passage of time to do its healing work. Depression can be impacted by one's beliefs, but there is a kind of depression that exists independently of one's perspective on life.

SUICIDAL TENDENCIES

Apart from this series of articles (which took me a good two years to publish), I've stopped sharing my depression with other people. It's annoying, because most people don't know how to listen and empathize. They want to jump in with a solution that, if implemented by nightfall, just might make a difference by daybreak. It's just more hassle than it's worth. Over time, I've gone from being someone with an intense need to belong, to not caring what people think about me at all. I'll often go out of my way to avoid anything deeper than transactional relationships. Once a social butterfly, you'll find me quite the hermit these days. As a consequence, while I was once open to sharing my feelings of loneliness and despair, I rarely mention them any more on social media and practically never to my IRL friends. I would be the last person to call a suicide hotline, by the way. Judge me if you wish, but I'm just being honest. If you want to know what is going on in the head of a severely depressed person with suicidal ideation, here's a least one brain you can peer into.

There's a general consensus that suicide is a selfish decision, even a cowardly act. This was a casual opinion of my own for years, as well. Not until suicide touches someone in your life -- or when you enter its despondent realm yourself -- does the ridiculousness of that notion becomes apparent. Understand that for a person to commit suicide, they have to overcome the brain's own strong predilection for self-preservation. It's not so easy to take the step of ending your life. Something has gone terribly wrong with the brain's ability to convincingly cry, "STOP!" for that to happen.

In my worst bout of depression, following the demise of long-term relationship, I reached the point where every waking moment was sheer misery. Some call this anhedonia -- the inability to feel pleasure. Normally, when we are feeling blue, we seek out something to stimulate our pleasure receptors. That's why ice cream, chocolate, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are popular go-tos for the bummed out. For me, it's always been music and movies. On this particular week, though, I had somehow lost the capacity to find any joy whatsoever in the usual pastimes. Anything that attempted to pacify my mood met with my contempt. The only thing I could do to escape the agony of just being alive and conscious was to sleep...and sleep I did. At first 8 hours a night, up from my usual 7. Then it advanced to 9, 10, 11, 12 hours. When dawn came, a wave of misery washed over my mind again.

Once, I woke up feeling so despondent that I knew with absolute clarity that I could end my life. Today, I could actually do it. Immediately upon this realization, I wept bitterly. I've not cried like that before or since. If anything, I've become more stoic about the idea of suicide. Don't get me wrong, my internal sense of self-preservation is still quite strong. The problem is that in moments of severe depression, that instinct is dampened. You'll do just about anything just to get rid of the feeling of misery making it unbearable to be awake.

DOOM AWAKENING

One of the most important developments in treating my depression, besides medication and therapy, was the discovery of doom. There's an old expression that misery loves company. I don't know about you, but when I listen to music it's not generally to cheer me up. No, I want my tunes to have a certain level of commiseration with what I'm feeling and going through at the time. When I discovered (quite by accident) Saint Vitus, I knew I'd found my soul food. I can't fully explain that eureka moment when Dave Chandler belted out that first downtuned note on the guitars on "Born Too Late" or when Wino joined with plaintive lyrics for "I Bleed Black." This resonated with me powerfully. It brought chills. This was medicine for my weary head, a kind of mental morphine to dull the pain. I'd come to the Roseland Theater for Down and left with Saint Vitus.

As a funny aside, my roommate (who accompanied me to the show) and I rehashed the bands of the night, giving our two cents on this or that. One thing he said still makes me smile a little inside. "What did you think of Saint Vitus?" I asked. "I don't think they're the kind of band that will withstand the test of time," he remarked. "Well," I rejoined, "they have been playing now for over 30 years and were the co-headliners on a national tour, so their sound must be resonating with a good number of people." Sure, it wasn't for everyone, but on that night my doom had come.

Every song on 'Born Too Late' (1986) so perfectly captures the malaise of the deeply wounded soul, not just in lyrics but in the whole vibe. There's a thick, smoky haze permeating the record and it reminds me a lot of what it feels like after you've poured out your heart until you've got no more tears left to cry. Come on, don't pretend you're so macho that normal human emotions elude you. It's hard to put doom into words, but I'll try: on the one hand you feel emotionally exhausted because you've emptied out all those pent up feelings of loss, fear, regret, and frustration, on the other hand there's a feeling of "reset" and it often makes things much clearer to sort through. For me, when I've exhausted all my emotional resources, I'm left with a feeling of blithe acceptance. A sense of being dealt a set of cards by the impartial hand of fate. That's the kind of vibe that Saint Vitus captures perfectly for me on this record.

I spent entire weekends on those long, wonderful rabbit trails of discovery. "Dying Inside" led me to Trouble's "The Tempter" with its oh-so-tragic central riff. Lyrically, the songs I was running across could not have been more apropos.

Pentagram, The Skull, and Candlemass were not lingering far behind. Then came the more recent monoliths of doom: Electric Wizard, Windhand, High on Fire, Burning Witch, Khanate, Pilgrim, Serpentine Path, Usnea, Demon Lung, Ancient VVisdom, Dopelord, and the NOLA sludge scene, along with lesser known but equally as powerful acts like Undersmile, Shepherd's Crook, Reptile Master, Purple Hill Witch, Witchthroat Serpent, March Funèbre, Beldam, Hooded Priest, Regress, and 71TONMAN (listen to the Spotify playlist).

Doom metal spoke to me with a sharp realism that I connected with immediately. When you have no strength left to get angry at the world, you switch your listening habits from Car Bomb to Cough. You can say, I suppose, that doom was my salvation. It kept me hanging on a little while longer. The salve of those slow, low riffs gave me a strange feeling of consolation. "We know life sucks, too. Welcome to reality." It's like being awakened to the Matrix, but feeling there's not a damned thing you can do to change any of it. Your fate is sealed. It's an honesty that is both refreshing and freeing, I suppose, though one does wish to reclaim the notion of hope.

Believe it or not, even after writing all of this, optimism is my default mode. When I'm feeling well, and even when my depression is at low levels, the needle always leans towards inspiration, creativity, even a mischievous sense of humor and an aw, shucks smile that people tend to notice. I don't want to be depressed. The problem is that severe depression can make you feel, illusion or not, like you're paralyzed from doing anything about it.

As I've experienced more and more cuts and scrapes of life, I've become increasingly numb to it all, like the massive build-up of scar tissue. Things that upset me easily in the past might still hurt, but I've come to expect them, so they have the impact of a dull table knife. Perhaps I'm becoming a nihilist, despite my optimistic tendencies. It's hard not to be. Don't worry about me, though. If anything, I want to stick around to see what's going to happen next. It's the inborn curiosity we all have inside of us -- the same thing that I imagine kept Stephen Hawking going for decades after being wrecked by a disease that cruelly mangled his body into its famously misshapen form, stealing away his most basic expressive freedoms -- save for the power of his eyes and the thoughts behind them.

I've also made a deliberate attempt to pursue treatment (both psychiatric and psychological care) for my depression, which I urge you to do if you are likewise laboring under its crushing weight. The perspective of time, coupled with a remedy for mind and body can have a significant impact on your perspective, if not your life circumstances.

THE WINDY ROAD AHEAD

Learn from your mistakes, don't dwell on them. Repeated affirmations like this one may seem trite, but they are ultimately true. You can be free from the chains of guilt and move forward, as one performer puts it, "from strength to strength."

Don't kill yourself (literally or metaphorically) for someone else or for someone else's decisions. It may bum you out that a roomie decided to take your money and run or that you were rebuffed by a long-time crush or made jobless through corporate-wide cuts. You don't own that, they do.

Walks

Get off the couch, move that bod. Something as simple as a walk down the block or a drive out of town can do wonders for your perspective. As a homeschool teen living under the strict rule of a radical fundamentalist household in rural East Texas, my one salvation were those long walks in the open field -- especially when my parents started having loud, intense fights related to my mom's own mental health. I sorted through so many of life's problems (most of which seemed much larger then than they do now) through those solitary, hour-long strolls.

I really miss that where I live now, in a more congested neighborhood, so I have to find other ways of getting away from it all (getting up and out a half-hour before the other walkers, for instance, helps). Even if I don't want to rustle myself awake and move around to do as simple a task as taking out the trash, sometimes the feeling...let me revise that...quite often the feeling follows after the decision has been made and the body is in motion.

Projects

Another piece of advice I have for coping with depression is to channel your frustrations in projects. When I'm depressed, I throw myself into my work. Hell, Doomed & Stoned started because I needed a project to pour myself into. My counselor asked me once, "If you woke up tomorrow without depression, what would be different about your world?"

She encouraged me to start with the things that were in my immediate vicinity. "Well, there wouldn't be mail strewn all over the floor. My dirty clothes would be in the hamper, my clean clothes folded and put away. I'd take the time to cook myself a meal, instead of running out the door eating a quick bite out of some package."

Good, let's make a list and start there. Do at least one of the things on your list between now and the time we meet again next week.

Talks

Despite my isolationist ways, I begrudgingly admit that talking often helps, too. Though I'm an introvert and am horrified at the idea of sharing my feelings with others, I've reached points in my depression where I was compelled to tell others about it. It's as natural to do that as to cry out when your body is experiencing jolting pain. I'm one of those verbal processors that tends to sort through my problems by talking to someone else. Often, pride or shame or lack of trust gets in the way of sharing with our family and friends, so at the very least the much talked about Suicide Prevention Hotline could actually help you gain perspective on your situation.

Journals

If you don't talk, at least journal. Again, I'm not a journaler and this is the first time in almost three decades that I've written about anything related to my depression. Role play with me. You're a scientist studying the human psyche. How would you describe those feelings you call depression? When I was first asked to describe it to a counselor, I found myself at a loss for words. She helped me with prompts:

Can you tell me what it feels like?

"I walk around feeling like a dark, thick raincloud is hovering all around me all the time."

Do you feel it in a part of your body?

"Well, yeah, I guess. The head. And the chest. It feels like there's pressure building from all around me, like my head is going to explode. My heart feels like it's going to leap out of my chest."

What's happening around you when these feelings arise?

I'd then go on to detail some recent happenings. She'd press me further to describe the kinds of thoughts racing through my head in these situations. All of this was really helpful in getting me to define this nebulous, gray malaise that was following me everywhere I went.

I don't keep a journal, per se. Something about it feels needlessly egotistical, a vain attempt to reinforce the illusion in our YouTube fame crazy world that my life is worth discovering and remembering at some point in the distant future. And yet, writing down one's thoughts can be another effective way of untangling that anxious ball of feelings that keeps me from thinking rationally about the depression I'm feeling.

Today is my birthday, but I couldn't care less. It's not about getting old. I stopped caring about that 10 years ago. It's something about celebration, specifically when the attention is on me. I can't adequately describe how contemptuous I find it. My last birthday was spent alone in an empty house and a bottle of Scotch, catching up with past seasons of Game of Thrones. I was so glad it was over and the happy birthday wishes stopped. There's nothing special about this day for me.

At some point, my family stopped celebrating birthdays and holidays. I'm not sure when it happened or why. Certainly not for religious reasons, more probably for financial ones. I grew up in a family that barely scraped by, so birthdays seemed a luxury we couldn't afford. Now, it just feels indulgent. More than that, it feels sad. It reminds me of all the disappointments, hurts, and failures of the past year. It's not as though it's all bad, of course. If nothing else my birthday gives the illusion that a chapter has turned, with new possibilities for the future. I also have to come to terms with how many people out there actually seem to care about me, maybe even love me.

And later that day, I forced myself to go to a show I was quite enthused about, but didn't factor in depression being the party pooper.

I can't account for what it is that comes over me. There are people here that genuinely like me, who probably even want to get to know me better, but I push them away. Not so much directly, but indirectly, by excusing myself to use the restroom and then changing my mind midway and just leaving the venue -- without even the courtesy of a "goodbye" to friends or a "great show" to the bands. I feel awful about it afterwards, but in that moment it's like a flood of emotional pain washes over me and it feels like I'm carrying an anchor chained around my neck. I feel the great urge to find my way to unlit corners. To look busy and preoccupied. Would it hurt me to say hello? To smile? Perhaps not, but right now my psyche is tingling like some kind of Spidey Sense telling me, "Get out of here! Just get your shit and leave...NOW."

As dour and hopeless as that may feel, just the act of writing it down afforded me a release, which incidentally I did not feel until the writing was all said and done.

Hope, a new beginning Time, time to start living Just like just before we died

Hurt, falling through fingers Trust, trust in the feeling There's something left inside There's no going back to the place we started from.

ONE MORE THING

For those of you who are wondering what you can do for a friend, family member, coworker or just someone you know casually from shows you both frequent, I couldn't say it better than one of my longtime fellow travelers in doom, who offered up this advice:

"While it's all very well and fucking dandy that there are so many people telling those who are struggling to reach out to them, I don't think people are quite understanding just how mental illness works sometimes. People quite often don't reach out, because those that are suffering from mental illness, at times, feel like they are a burden by unloading their shit onto someone else, despite the invitation to do so. It's generally the same concept that leads on to suicide.

I obviously can't speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself when I say the last thing I want to do is reach out to anyone because I feel like I am a burden and everyone would be better off without me -- and that is ultimately why I don't reach out. The point that I'm trying to get at is if you see someone struggling YOU reach the fuck out. If you don't see someone who used to be around, YOU reach the fuck out. Think about it. It's not that hard."

Well said and completely on the mark. At the same time, if you're feeling alone and uncared for, you may look at people’s lack of inquiry as more confirmation that you are worthless trash. You may interpret a busy person's slight as utter rejection. Don't worry about what others may or may not think of you. You need to take care of you, for you. The future is fickle. Your fortunes can change on a dime, so why base your self-worth and your decision about whether to live or die by how you feel right now? Ride it out, seek out help, get a game plan in play.

I say this as someone who knows how hard it can be to get mental health. I was double insured -- through my employer and the Veterans Administration -- and I couldn't get a god damned psychiatric appointment to reevaluate and adjust my meds. I called all over town trying to get in with someone. "Sorry, we're not accepting new patients" was the universal refrain. The VA would just be too many month's wait, I told myself, based upon how long it has taken me in the past to get a conventional medical appointment. In desperation, I called up my primary care doctor who asked if I was suicidal. For the first time in my life, I knew with full certainty the answer was yes. The more miserable I felt, the more I contemplated dying. If I did it, it would be something quick and sudden, I would daydream in my most despondent moment. "You need to check yourself into the hospital now," she told me adamantly. I did exactly that. I walked into the ER and told them I was suicidal. They led me to a room, had me take off all my clothes, and put on a hospital gown. I stayed in a padded room waiting for a social worker to see me. It was a desperate move, but it did pay off in getting me fast-tracked to see a psychiatrist.

One thing I learned about medication from my new psychiatrist (because he was very caring, very careful, and hence very effective at his job) is that everyone’s brain chemistry is uniquely different. There can be other issues impacting mood, too, such as thyroid, environmental stressors, sleep problems, vitamin deficiencies, and so on. Again, it’s often hard to see whether the cart is leading the horse or the horse is leading the cart, in terms of the mind-body connection. Long story short, this doctor adjusted my meds to near perfection to get me through the rare summer-long depression I was experiencing.

Just a few months later, he got hired away to work for the County and I was left back in the same boat once again. I got a great referral, but didn't realize until bills came in I couldn't pay that the doctor was out of my insurance network. Believe me, many people prefer to go without care entirely than to go into debt and I was one of them (truthfully, I still am). I went another year until I couldn't take it anymore and this time in my desperation reached back out to the VA. Surprisingly, they saw me within a week and prioritized my suicidal depression. I'm now in a good spot as a result, but it was a long, windy, uncertain road getting here. I know it's hard to find help. Sometimes you don't know what's available to you until you knock a little louder and get people's attention.

The older I get, it seems the more stubborn I am, particularly when it comes to reaching out and asking for help. Perhaps I've always been that way and am only now realizing it's become a liability. After taking off three weeks during the holidays to catch up with the many projects that were piling up around me, I realized that my depression was sometimes stronger than my will to power through and do my best work. I would find myself sitting at the computer for hours trying to get started with a story, trying to edit audio for a podcast, trying to prepare a team member's submission for publication, and every time I would find myself coming up against something painful, perhaps similar to the long recognized creative crimp known as writer's block. I describe it as an inhibitor chip in my brain that sends pain signals to my psyche whenever I contemplate moving forward.

Of course, rationally, I know it's all just a matter of the will, right? That's what those who aren't experiencing depression will tell you, at least. They don't want to go to the gym, but they make the choice to do it anyway, so why can't you just "man up" and do what needs to be done? Well, those aren't so much the messages other people give me, as they are my own conscience. The guilt itself from a day coming and going without results adds its own layer of complication to my mood. Thankfully, I have a wonderful counselor who understands and is helping me to tackle this with cognitive strategies. This, coupled with sensible medical treatment, has at least helped me to find "even flow" again.

Finally, you're going to have some bad days where you may even want to be productive, but your body feels like it's in revolt. As a creative person who loves to pour myself into as many projects as I can when I'm feeling good, it can be extraordinarily frustrating to not even feel the will to check email, open a letter, or listen to a stitch of music. Most days, I'm trying to work in concert with my body's natural rhythms. I'm more of a morning person and get my best work done between 8AM and 11AM. Anything after that is going to be hit or miss with diminishing returns. With that in mind, I have to hold back from starting new projects before the ones already on my plate are finished, because when I'm feeling good, I think I can take on the world.

This is all a part of me rediscovering what it's like to feel balanced, bright, and in love with life. It can be frustrating to have that feeling back, only to watch it wither away as the week progresses. Since I have very high expectations of myself, it's natural for me to heap guilt upon guilt for all the missed opportunities, but beating myself up only compounds the problem (it took me a long time to really get this about myself, too). Every day is a struggle, but I've decided I'm staying in the fight for the long haul.

In short: Be patient with yourself. Be fair with yourself. Be good to yourself. Remember, this too shall pass.

"Someday you're going to die, just like some day I'm going to die. But until then, you fight like hell to stay alive, you get that?!"

-- William Holden, The Earthling (1980)

[dreamsy990]

im just doing this fuck asks i just feel like answering these

Q: what paint tool do you have but dont use

okay so i have a really old version of clip studio which used to be called manga studio and its horrible and barely works. i would say firealpaca but i actually switch between that and krita so

Q: is it easier to draw someone facing left or right (or forward even)

A: honestly neither, i kinda switch tbh but i thinkkkk i do left more???

Q: what ideas come from when you were little

A: ooh uh i learned to draw cats from watching tennelleflowers and i got a lot of good tips from lavendertowne. if they mean like IDEAS, my one original story thing i have was something i made up in second grade and have been developing since then

Q: fav character/subject thats a bitch to draw

stolas and blitzo. stolas is just really weird and blitzo doesnt translate well into other art styles. i can do stolas pretty okay but FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY IS BLITZOS HEAD SO LONG-

Q: estimate how much art you post online vs keep to yourself

A: okay uhhh thats hard because i draw a lot of things that are jokes and i share with friends, so like if we include the memes i share with friends as kept to myself than i post like 80% of it

Q: anything that might inspire you subconsciously

A: im honestly not sure but i did notice since i started watching more anime i did start doing the fucking. thin necks. i also finally got a doodle style like i see on tumblr a lot so that also i guess

Q: a medium you dont work in but appreciate

A: gouache painting looks cool and i want nothing to do with it because that seems hard

Q: whats a project idea that youve lost interest in

A: *glances at my old really bad aus* you dont wanna know

Q: file name conventions

A: OOH THIS ONE IS FUN so my file names are usually just as much of a joke as i am and if they dont have ten ‘uhhhhs’ or ‘ummmm’s then its not me and im sick. and if its procreate no file names because i forget

Q: favorite piece of clothing to draw

A: none of the above. okay but like can i say a specific one because JOKERS JACKET FROM PERSONA 5 IS JUST AUGHHH i love drawing it even if im bad at it

Q: what do you listen to while drawing

A: movie reviews, twilight princess letsplays, video essays, theory videos, anything thatll give me something to think about. i cant work with music or nothing i need words

Q: easiest part of the body to draw

A: either heads or hands. sorry hands are pretty easy for me i salute you tho besties <3

Q: a creator you admire but whose work isnt your thing

A: cant think of anyone really

Q: favorite motifs

A: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ill get back to you on that

Q: where do you draw

A: if its digital, at my desk USUALLY WITH ALL THE LIGHTS OUT because im in places with a lot of glare, and if its in a notebook pretty much anywhere but i do draw at home a lot too so

Q: something you are good at but dont really have fun doing

A: i did an art study with how persona draws eyes and i do them sometimes but theyre usually too much of a hassle so i almost never do the style sooo

Q: do you eat or drink when drawing, if so what?

A: usually i just have some water, if im hungry ill either stop drawing and actually eat something or ill have something small like pretzels at my desk. idk if it counts but i usually have gum because i tend to chew on things if i stop paying attention like my poor pen has been ABUSED also my hoodie strings are dead so like yeah gum. usually its trident watermelon flavor gum specifically because its the best dont @ me. mint sucks. also my sister has a mint allergy so

Q: lets see including the hundreds of pencils ive broken both mechanical and normal, and the two drawing tablets that stopped responding one of which i did get replaced with support, like. 40% of art supplies i have are dead WHICH IS HONESTLY BETTER THAN I EXPECTED

Q: favorite inanimate objects to draw

A: i draw characters holding guns a surprising amount so i guess that

Q: something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

A: hands

Q: art styles nothing like your own that you like anyways

A: im a sucker for joy ang’s work on wings of fire, those covers are just amazing and i love the dragon art. also the style for the wild rescuers series is really pretty

Q: what physical exercises do you do before drawing

A: none

Q: do you use different layer modes

A: yes and it honestly kinda carries my art like holy shit it makes such a difference

Q: do your references include stock images?

A: references? whos she? okay but in all seriousness i use stock images for posing sometimes but if its too specific for that i either wing it or use justsketchme it its important

Q: something your art has been compared to that you were not inspired by

A: hhhh ive had someone compare it to steven universe. which like i dont get but thank you????

Q: what piece got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended

A: uhh im not sure idk how people interpret my art i dont even know how i interpret it

Q: do you warm up before you get to the good stuff, what do you warm up with

A: a surprising amount of akira/ren/joke and deku because theyre fun to draw and i like their hair. i dont actually warm up i just like drawing them and have a lot of them

Q; art events youve participated in like zines

A: never been in a zine or anything but i did do a danganronpa ship art swap and that was pretty fun. also another one from the same people themed around aus

Q: media you love but doesnt inspire you artistically

A: uhh a handful of shows like gravity falls, steven universe, ect . i also love nintendo games but they dont do anything for me in terms of art most of the time, tho i am a huge fan of some zelda games cuz theyre pretty.

Q: what piece of yours do you think is underrated

A: ehhh i dont like them that much most of the time but i do really love the cyc teaser image i did, as well a slike half the art for the first chapter even tho i havent dropped it yet

and thats it!!! okay bye now!!!

Weirdly Specific Artist Ask Game

Didn't see a lot of artist ask games, wanted to make a silly one.

(I wrote this while sick out of my mind last year and it's been collecting dust in my drafts, I might as well let it run free) 1. Art programs you have but don't use

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left or right (or forward even)

3. What ideas come from when you were little

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw

5. Estimate of how much of your art you post online vs. the art you keep for yourself

6. Anything that might inspire you subconsciously (i.e. this horse wasn't supposed to look like the Last Unicorn but I see it)

7. A medium of art you don't work in but appreciate

8. What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in

9. What are your file name conventions

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what

12. Easiest part of body to draw

13. A creator who you admire but whose work isn't your thing

14. Any favorite motifs

15. *Where* do you draw (don't drop your ip address this just means do you doodle at a park or smth)

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing

17. Do you eat/drink when drawing? if so, what

18. An estimate of how much art supplies you've broken

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways

22. What physical exercises do you do before drawing, if any

23. Do you use different layer modes

24. Do your references include stock images

25. Something your art has been compared to that you were NOT inspired by

26. What's a piece that got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended

27. Do you warm up before getting to the good stuff? If so, what is it you draw to warm up with

28. Any art events you have participated in the past (like zines)

29. Media you love, but doesn't inspire you artistically

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

[unproduciblesmackdown]

3 am’s a crazy time for it but it occurs to me i may as well give a heads up that i am like, for real at the present assuming that i’m gonna like, sometime in the very near future here be going offline again, in that sort of my ~plan~ (my one-step plan) is seeing if i can get myself on a bus (hopefully) and see if that can get me to the west coast. and from there i’ll just be like, well here i am in a place i’ve never been before, being unhoused for the second time but this time not living in my car, which is a bit different than living right out in the open, which i’ve never done. this, for example, is why i was looking up how to do makeshift stp devices. way easier to be able to pee wherever you are than have to find a place you can drop your whole pants, or an actual bathroom. apparently cutting the end off one of those plastic liquid medicine measuring things with the sorta spoon at its mouth works. anyways

i suppose it hasn’t necessarily showed but for a few weeks now i’ve def been feeling The Impending Pressure and it was getting down to the wire there not knowing if the Last Day Online would spring itself on me suddenly. but i can at least say i think i’ll have a days warning now and be able to say something with at least a matter of hours forewarning and not like, a matter of minutes. its been sorta wild though like, sorta assuming its like a Two Days Remain situation and in the midst of the unpredictability of depression, trying to just enjoy things as they’re happening, the simple stuff like chatting with people and being able to put my bullshit thoughts online...cranking out a fic chapter because it’s at least a better place to leave it hanging than it wouldve been otherwise.....just consuming this content that’s enjoyable and chill af.......i tell ya what—both in terms of being Fun and Anxiety-Reducing and Good Distractions and also, a great opportunity just to be talking to people on the daily which has been and continues to be absolutely fantastic—having been On that deh/etc will roland train for the past couple months has been a total gift. it was some great luck stumbling into that, seriously

anyways it’s weird! it’s weird thinking just like, i’ll suddenly do this thing and be on the other coast and just step out and be somewhere i don’t know and with no particular destination and maybe the lgbt center i looked up will at least tell me whats the best area to be in, sometimes they’re in the know abt that re: where’s a better spot to be homeless in than others. and from there, y’know, all i’ve been doing for years and all i can continue to do is absolutely wing it. and it’s funny that this all seems slightly less intimidating to me than it wouldve like, a year or two ago (even tho two yrs ago i was technically homeless lol but living in my car so like i said its different from living Right on the street) but honestly, obviously, it’s still very intimidating because how could it not be. i’m maybe not AS anxious but i’m still anxious and even though i know i could do it, i’d be stressed tf out and anxious as hell and shit while i was doing it. i mean, a crosscountry bus ride alone—i’ve never done that!! what if i mess up switching over to a different connecting ride between stations. bus and train bathrooms unnerve me, god forbid i have to get past someone to get to the aisle to GO to the bathroom. and, yknow, just a really long bus ride—how do you manage to sleep, how do i manage not to fall asleep at the wrong time cuz i doubt there’s an attendant telling you to get off at the right stop. though god knows it’s somewhat arbitrary where i’m deciding to go, i have no especial connection in one particular place over another, i think i have an uncle and cousin in CA but i don’t have the first idea where and i don’t know them at all

ugh. like there’s no actual way to feel good about it but if i’m gonna go somewhere it might as well be in a completely different place and i could try the west coast and i’m not one for making careful plans or thinking that making careful plans about your life works unless you’ve already got a lot of control about your situation, which i don’t. and it’s always been p inevitable that i wind up “properly” homeless, and it happens, and i don’t pretend it doesn’t scare me, but what are you gonna do? c’est ca que c’est / la vie. this way there’s a chance that A Big Change might lead the way for something better, and like hey if i die or some shit i die, which has always been a possibility anyways for the past like 6-7 years especially, what with how shitty i’ve felt lol. but i have no attachment where i’m at now and just. it’s hard to explain i guess if you’re not in the kind of place where i’m at but there’s not a lot of choices in the first place so, if i can choose the location, if it can be somewhere new where i MIGHT like to be for once, that’s better than not. and somehow so far i’ve managed to go with the flow surrounding big changes and sometimes wild situations, even if i’ve felt like crap and been super worried sometimes too. i don’t know for how many years now i’ve been Not assuming i’d be alive by the next year, but here i am having gotten this far, at least. it’s fairly impressive even if i don’t have any amazing achievements. believe it or not i’m pretty satisfied with my Achievements as just like, dumbass blog posts and fic/art and occasionally contributing something someone enjoys and getting to talk to people sometimes. it’s how i’ve been able to enjoy myself in the midst of some really awful times for the past like 6 yrs and i’ve appreciated it every day i’ve gotten to surf the net

like i guess it’s like haha, nerd, that half of what i’m worried about is being offline. but it’s a big deal being able to connect w the world beyond your immediate reach and distract yourself and say things and maybe even Enjoy yourself and also actually get to talk to people. but hey sometimes even people who live on the street manage to snag wifi connections somehow. i’d have to ask them how, lol. but, yknow, like i said, for a couple weeks especially it’s been like , Not Assuming I’ll NOT Lose Internet Connection and thus really trying to bear down on appreciating it. not like being offline for 5 months or so didn’t also make me appreciate it extra already. i was gonna say i survived it but i did get wildly depressed throughout like, august? september? probably both lol. anyways. what i’m trying to say i guess is that i’m not actually assuming i’ll be okay, but that only means so much because like, not to sound dramatic but i’ve pretty much never been okay on account of ive been just a half step away from living on the streets ever since leaving my parents house where i’d previously lived my whole life, which was an abusive situation. and also the depression and the years of really wanting to die which, at least 2018 didn’t have TOO much of that, in terms of feeling like it might be impending. now i can’t really be bothered, i’m just floating along and if i die i die, right. what i’m trying to say is, there’s not really any Good Proper option to choose where i’m definitely okay, so it’s basically about choosing between bad options, and with this choice i might at least like the location a little better, change of scenery, not as cold as here, i dunno. there’s not a way to just choose my way into being okay. it’s all a roll of the dice anyhow

also it’s weird but one thing about being on my own is it takes the pressure off me in certain ways and it’s a bit easier for me to Do things. if there’s anyone else to answer to in any way, i tend to just not ever decide anything and definitely don’t pursue anything. i’m one of those ppl who either has to live alone or with ppl they’re really really really comfortable with, and since i don’t have the latter around and nobody especially me can afford the former, it’s like, well, how is not everybody homeless anyway, right? and people do it. because yknow, you have to do it, it’s suddenly just your situation and somehow people get through every day. idk. learn as you go. what can ya do. it’s choosing between various bad options, i could also just wander into the mountains and die, but i’d rather not, and offing myself is Way a hassle, and also would be difficult, same as dying of exposure/dehydration in this middle of nowhere patch of mtns. i might as well try my luck at being in a place where you COULD maybe survive or something, and where i could at least feel like, if i do manage to have any good things happen, i would even possibly want to be in that area and be more comfortable living there. i have no roots anywhere and only have a No Zone (near my parents house) and so its sorta like, pick a random place to be!! lol. ahhhh

what can i say. it also sucks having to think “boy, in addition to not dying, hope i don’t get physically/sexually assaulted—also, how do people get water??” but......such is the way that it is. i don’t know. i don’t think anybody looks at impending homelessness and goes “i’m okay about this and not at all afraid.” and it’s strange to talk about how this is sort of ~by choice~ but it’s not exactly, in that i didn’t choose to only have abusive family and how even though i was working while living in my car it would never have been enough for rent probably even if i had someone to split it with and i also didn’t choose to not be rich in the first place and *the economy...... .png*

sigh. i dunno, it’s hard because i can’t talk about it a right way or long enough and get to a point i don’t feel intimidated or upset that once i Go Offline i’ll for real just be on my own unless and until i manage to get online for a moment again, in which case i’ll still be on my own, but i’ll feel a bit less alone, ha ha

anyways. speaking of trying to appreciate the simple pleasures of talking about whatever weird shit i wanna talk about and pushing myself to draw/write as it feels like it gets even more down to the wire—time to do that! 4 am and time to draw this weird meme & hopefully crank out the rest of this oneshot & maybe even draw again, and maybe again—it’s cool cuz i slept weird the other night and then got again weirdly tired in the afternoon and took a long depression nap w sorta fun, sorta bizarre dreams. augh. so at least i figure i’m just cruisin now, Not Sleeping-wise

i might have to ask a favor eventually in that there’s something really super simple i ought to look up, but i’d have a ton of trouble making myself do so because of anxiety, yknow how it is. but i’ll ask that if and when i ask it

[bredahl14reimer-blog]

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[20straveling]

9.20.18 ~ Ireland

As some of you are aware, I have achieved my singular most important life goal – and at the age of 23, what an accomplishment! I have traveled to Ireland. If you’ve been reading my blog, or if you’ve known me at all in real life, you may have the slight inkling that I have an obsession and deep wanderlust for the majesty that is Ireland. Between the exposure to all that is beautiful in the film P.S I Love You (landscape and men included) in my early teens, and the yearlong research project into the art styles and history of monastic life in my senior year of college, I am thoroughly and irrevocably obsessed with that country.

Last month (because it’s somehow half-way through September already), my family and I traveled abroad for the first time together. It was quite the experience. It had been quite some time since we had all traveled on a plane together, and I’m not quite sure how they managed it when we were kids. My father is much more familiar with flying, and I’ve done my fair share in the past few years. My mother and brother, less so. There’s a funny story involving my brother, TSA, and a giant bottle of contact solution, but we’ll leave that be, as I think we’ve over-told it in our real lives, and heaven forbid I spread his mistake online as well (no matter how funny it was, but not at the time).

One of the wise pieces of advice I gave to my family was “sleep on the plane, to confuse your body into being wide awake when we land,” because my father had inadvertently planned our flight to be overnight, which is great, that landed around 5:30AM Dublin time. My thought was “heck yea! lets go explore some stuff!” but my family’s thought was “oh no, where can we take a nap at 5AM?” because, oh dear reader, we could not get into our AirB&B until around noon. So, what do you do in a foreign city for almost 6 hours without wifi to guide you? The answer, for us at least, was to sit in a café for about an hour and use their free wifi to create a plan. So, we created a plan.

See, we were going to drop off bags and walk around Christ Church Cathedral, but plans never go, well, as planned. And we got lost-ish, asked multiple people where things were and realized they knew almost less than we did, and then decided to sit at the bag-drop tourist location until they opened at 8:30. My mom had to muscle her way into the lobby because some woman who arrived 5 minutes before they opened tried to cut in front of the rest of the people that were gathered around their front door area. So much for Irish hospitality! Joking, only joking. Other than the one rude woman, who was probably a tourist herself, every tour guide, and direction-giver, was as nice as could be.

Margret, from our Kilkenny B&B, was in a league of her own when it came to hospitality. She was more than understanding about our confusion when it came to the room arrangements, as we had booked two rooms, with one bed each. She explained that a double room was a full bed, and a twin room was a two bed room – a common misunderstanding when Americans were booking with her apparently. And because we had arrived before all her other guests, she allowed us to switch rooms and it was no hassle at all. She also served us Irish coffee before tucking in for the night, and served the best breakfast that I had during the whole trip – and Irish Breakfast with tomatoes, eggs, sausage, the whole nine. Recommendations, advice, there was nothing Margret wasn’t prepared for, maps included.

A guarantee during any of our family vacations or trips is tours, usually history oriented, and always interesting. Ireland was no different by any means. We toured castles, churches, the Ring of Kerry, and the Cliffs of Moher, as well as the towns and shops along the way. Each place was beautiful, full of stories, and perfectly old in every way. Part of what I love so much about being abroad, beyond the US, is that there is history that reaches beyond the founding of our country and further. Churches stand almost a thousand years old, castles from wars our fore-father’s grandfather’s were a part of, and practices that have stayed the same and thrived for generations. Yes, we have some of this in America, and we’ve created ourselves on the history of those countries we come from, but nothing beats a 900 year old church on a hillside, overlooking an entire valley to the mountains.

Speaking of phenomenal views, some of the best views we had were at the top of the Guinness Storehouse in the Galaxy Bar, the Ring of Kerry (no specifics, I’m obsessed with countryside and national  parks, so I loved it all), and the Cliffs of Moher in all of their stunning, breathtaking beauty. One of my little goals in life is to have one of those large prints above my couch or desk, and someone asks “oh, that’s a great photo, where’d you buy it?” and I get to say “thanks, I took that!” There is something so special, so powerful, in being able capture a moment that you experienced so well that others are able to share part of its splendor. It’s one of the reasons I love taking pictures; I love to share them.

Anywho, moving on now to the silly details and things I can remember off the top of my head, as I don’t have the patience to go through all the photos right now, but would like to tell you more about our trip. One of the great joys was watching the live music being played on the streets of Galway every evening. There was a band, who’s name I cannot remember, but they had such good energy and an awesome mix of instruments and voice styles; I bought one of their CDs, which is currently in my car and played through at least once a week. Oh! The Book of Kells: amazing, very secure, and incredibly detailed (Trinity Library, I want to get married there. That is all.)

Coming home from a trip is always something that I hate to do, but also always necessary. Luckily, the weeks, and months, up-to the trip and following my return home, have been nothing but go go go (which is partially why this post is so late and also why it may seem a bit half-hazard or disorganized, my apologies). I’ve had time to remember and chat about all the good, without feeling like I’m missing out on too much because I have so much going on in my normal life. And, we all know, this won’t be the last trip I take to that majestic green island. But, until then, please ask me questions and ask for photos, because I can’t not talk about how wonderful and beautiful this trip was.

 So, until next time,

 <3 M

 9.20.18

[cozymochi]

I love your dragonball art style but can i see maybe some of your other styles you do too? :3 -S

Well... technically I can adapt to whatever is presented in front of me. Err, I just dropped a bunch of links so I just made everything painful for all parties involved. This overheated the shit outta my phone just to compile what i could which is exactly why it took so long. I won’t be doing something this again due to the immense hassle in terms of searching etc. etc. 

I draw Yu-Gi-Oh! (All series except the most recent one and arc v [minus one character]) but I have no ready examples I’m willing to show…  At least not anymore due to a very bad fandom experience. I do not want them circulating again. Mainly Zexal and 5ds are my forte. 

Anyway moving on…

NiGHTs into Dreams (technically this has the most liberties since what else can one do with awkwardly rendered polygons): 

http://cozymochi.tumblr.com/post/172492799613/happy-reala-day-its-been-84-years-and-im-out

http://cozymochi.tumblr.com/post/142378590668/remember-the-time-reala-manhandled-a-child-in-a

Punch Out: 

http://cozymochi.tumblr.com/post/136144589383/the-glass-joe-expressions-were-on-my-old-blog

http://cozymochi.tumblr.com/post/139995212973/super-machomaaaan-recognize-this-well-its

I made a bad choice and drew LazyTown crap during Meme hayday:

http://cozymochi.tumblr.com/post/155233409938/hello-there-stinky-its-stingy-i-cant

http://cozymochi.tumblr.com/post/154963271948/quite-possibly-by-far-the-worst-decision-ive

http://cozymochi.tumblr.com/post/156427187468/i-spent-pretty-much-all-day-just-sketching-the

I drew Hetalia for my friend: http://cozymochi.tumblr.com/post/141048429358/i-just-realized-ive-only-ever-drawn-italy-and

(Hetalia is one of those series I don’t even watch) 

Stuff I have drawn before of shows I don’t watch but never posted online (whether it’d be because I wasn’t present online or because a friend asked me to irl) included: like… Naruto, RWBY… That “hero academy” anime, iDOLISH7, steven universe… etc. 

Then jumping into stuff i have watched I’ve drawn Sailor Moon, Sonic, pokemon, Excel Saga, Winx Club and disney junk before. But those aren’t online either and I don’t have any of those on me. Also there was fucking meme where I drew Yamcha as a family guy character amongst other shit but I can’t find it so. …yep. 

There’s also all of my IRL non-fandom original stuff but I’m not really willing to show those online as of yet. I suppose you’ll have to take my word for it as well. I have a few friends who have seen those. Also, I suppose you’ll have to take my word for everything when I say I can just switch styles ¯\_(•_•)_/¯ (Tho I do have a consistent exaggerative habit for all of them that ultimately sets me apart… but I can’t say for sure)  It’s just always been something i’ve done. Tho the decision to switch general art styles is purely by choice cuz i want to 

[elloizius]

Hobby to Money

We all know that 2020 is not really a good year for everyone. We can not go outside and do our normal routine. Working in quarantine is also a hassle. Everyone needs to adjust and buy new equipment and devices to get back to work. Also hanging out with friends to unwind with all this stress is not really an option. So as a young adult in my 20s the only option that I can think of is to sit in front of my computer and play games all day every day. Wake up late in the afternoon, eat brunch, play games, and watch Youtube videos until early morning. This is now my daily routine that lasted for at least 7 months.

Then my mechanical keyboard broke and I need a replacement. I wanted a small keyboard for a long time now because I have a limited desk space. Done some research on what to get and went to an online e-commerce site that thou shall not be named and ordered one. My first 70% mechanical Keyboard. For those that do not know or does not have any idea on what I am talking about, there are different sizes of keyboards and layouts and some also have variants. A 70% mechanical keyboard does not have any number pad and function row but have the basic navigation button and arrow keys. This type of keyboard gives me a lot of desk real estate because of its small size. For comparison, a full-size keyboard is called full size because it has all the keys, it can also be called 100%. The keyboard that most laptop comes with is a hybrid between 60% and 75%.

With further research I found out that I can customize my keyboard to my liking. Different kinds and colors of keycaps. Keyboard switches can have different feel and sound. You can make the mechanical keyboard you are using, your own creation. Many people collect keyboards for this reason. They spend thousands of pesos to buy or build one. Some keyboard build can cost around 15,000 pesos. The thing that really caught my attention are the artisan keycaps. They are keycaps that have designs in them. It can be as simple as a normal keycap with text or logo on them or keycaps with intricate design, some of which are hand sculpted with superb details. The latter ones are what I like to have. Looking on the price though, they are extremely expensive. A single artisan keycap can cost you from 500 up to 5,000 pesos. Yes, this hobby can be expensive, and I cannot really afford to sustain it. This gave me an idea. I used to sculpt, and I still have left over polymer clay on my art supply.

I immediately went to bed and woke up early to try if I can make one for myself. It is hard to make one. The keycap is so small. Steady hands and patience are what you really need. The progress is promising so went online and ordered hobby grade paints for my keycap. I am already thinking ahead that this could be a thing. I can make money out of this. The first keycap I made is a chibi or simplified version of a popular streamer in the Philippines. I posted some photos in my fb page and tagged her. She saw and shared it on her page and personal account. The post blew up. Then messages started coming asking if they can order one. She also commissioned me a couple of custom keycaps.

Now I already made 64 custom keycaps with at least 40 more pending orders writing this. A positive outcome of an awful situation.  A new hobby turned my old hobby into a small business. I am grateful for it.

[tirkarokujo]

Was making a writeup about single player in fighting games for my twitter, but it got way too long, so now it’s a blog post. Incomprehensible armchair game design nonsense under the jump

Anyway heres my long tweet thread about fighting games, namely the single player portion, from a guy who wants to make one himself. If this was an actual article it'd probably be called "what fighting games can learn from Cuphead" so yknow thank christ this is just a tweet thread- oh fuck, what do you mean this is a tumblr post now? Well I’m still gonna spare you from that motherfucking storm so you better be thankful.

One issue thats plagued fighting games is how eternally niche the genre seems to be, even when they have occasional bursts into the AAA space , interest tends to wean until they just cruise along by enthusiast hype, never reaching the same level of interest of other "esports" games. This lack of ongoing interest persists for obvious reasons, namely that losing in a fighting game just feels bad. Compared to something like overwatch or mobas, you can't blame your failures on your team, nor can they carry you, yadda yadda, u heard this before 

To a newbie, jumping into fighting games feels impenetrable just because losing feels so bad. But guess what? You gotta get your butt kicked to improve, just like most things in life. Often its just incomprehensible why you're losing so much, and while the clear course of action is to go online for some hot tips, the path of least resistance that we’ve seen exhibited by most players is to just give up after playing a while. This is of course mainly a problem if the first thing you do is hop onto online matchmaking, which ideally you really shouldn't. But is there an alternative? Well, the first solution is to find local peeps to play with, but if that's not an option? Why of course, there's the great beast known as

~single player modes~

Yes, arcade mode, story mode, training mode, challenge modes, you name it, as fighting games have progressed, so too has the multitudes of single player content become more complex and fleshed out. Nowadays it’s basically vital that your game has ample single player content, SFV stumbled out the gate without it, so you need yo single player fix.This is basically the entire subject of this blog post, so it pains me to say they also suck ass. all of them, every last one of them, they all suck. there isn't a single good single player anything in any fighting game ever made, no not even that one, nor that one, sit yo ass down, they're all irredeemable garbage and here's why 

To use an example of the archetypical fighting game single player mode, I'll go over the story mode from Street Fighter V; Things uh kinda happen and you do a couple canned matches against the CPU. ok i wow i dont remember anything from that story mode at all, what the hell. Ok I think FANG does stuff and Rashid is there and then Karin gets way more screentime than anyone expected and Ryu is also there sometimes. Hey, what happened to that Necalli guy, wasn’t he supposed to be important? What happened to that. Wheres Necalli. Where...where did he go....

But anyway, for the gameplay portions, you go through a bunch of uneventful and really easy CPU matches that are just sorta thrown in there, you're guy A, there's guy B, go fuck em up not like they're gonna attack back its so easy even a 6 year old can do it. And hey don’t think your favorite game is off the hook either; There's the single player mode of DBZ too: Go across the map, level up your characters, and fight a bunch of really easy clones. Blazblue? Really complicated plots happen and you do uneventful battles to spice things up occasionally.

Most of these story modes, despite their differences, all mostly follow the model of "plot happens, play a round in the game against the CPU to unpause the plot." So what's wrong with this picture here? Well let's break it down from the beginning: 

Fighting games have complex core mechanics, this is undeniable, but they're also just like any other game. In something like a platformer, level design is key. Surely you've seen all of Miyamoto's insight into the thought that went into level 1-1 of super mario bros. So much thought and effort was put into such a simple level bc the levels in platformers are strictly designed to work within the confines of the games mechanics, and require their usage as necessary. An important part of this is teaching the player through the level design itself, slowly and naturally. When you first boot up SMB, level 1-1 just assumes you know fuckin nothing about video games and you suck at life and everything, so it teaches you the mechanics through the subtle nuances of the level, there's a goomba, you better jump over it, if you try to touch it, you die, but thats ok bc little progress is lost, lesson learned, oh man i bumped by head on a flashy block now theres a mushroom, should I touch it, better jump over it, oh shit i cant better brace for impact aaaa oh wait i just grew bigger instead, mushroom good, etc etc 

My point is, the level is designed around teaching you the very basic mechanics without needing to bring up the manual or read a text box. This is generally considered fun to play. The game mechanics and the level designs love eachother and are in a healthy relationship

fighting game story modes on the other hand, do not like the fact that they're attached to a fighting game. They're the ritzy theatre kid while the mechanics is a guy who replaces a good shower with a can of body spray and wears 2 sets of sunglasses and skateboards everywhere. In my life I have never seen a fighting game story mode, or even arcade mode for that matter, that felt like it was actually meant for the game it was attached to. I mean sure, you get to play against the CPU on occasion, but so what? You're not gonna learn terribly much besides getting the basest feel for your character via peeking at the command list and finding what various ways u can dunk on the CPU that wouldn't work against a human to any capacity. The game doesn't teach you the mechanics, but thats ok bc u dont really need to learn them. They’re just kinda there. The single player is toothless and generally works independent from whatever game its a part of. They don't take advantage or do cool things with the games unique mechanics or moves, you're just left in a room to beat up a CPU for a while until the silly plot trucks on. (Guilty Gear in particular seemed to have realized this and just skipped the middleman by making the story modes just straight up movies with no gameplay at all, not that I can blame em.)

So yea the story modes suck ass, but hey, that’s not all! What about stuff like training modes and challenge/tutorial modes, this is where it's at! At thats, true, it’s usually in supplementary tutorials where the mechanics actually get to shine, so already it has that over the story mode. And yknow what, I get it. This is where most of the innovation tends to happen. With every new fighting game I always see some new bragging point about how incredible the QoL improvements are. Wow! the new UNIEL lets you record savestates in training! Wow the new GG has matchup data! Wow Skullgirls goes over high level concepts overlooked in other tutorials! It seems like every week there’s a new anime fighter that breaks new ground in terms of how helpful and advanced the tutorials are, and how they teach you the ropes in a controlled environment and everything. This is where the magic happens. This is where you learn practical setups and combos and situations and shit. And yknow what? All these new innovations are mindbogglingly good and impressive. So what's the problem here? Well it's all handicapped by a minor drawback...

it’s uh....well it’s all kinda boring, really. Also you can breathe easy now, this is the part where this post stops being a copypasted tweet thread, so maybe it’ll read a lil better.

But yea, main problem, all that stuff about super advanced tutorials, it’s just...it’s not very fun to play. Or really, it’d be more apt to say that they’re not -as- fun to play as they could be, and it doesn’t have to be that way. Because as they stand currently, all those tutorials on footsies and wakeups and combos and setups and mixups, no matter how basic and dead simple you make it, it’s not gonna change the fact that it’s not gonna hold the casual player’s attention for long. It doesn’t matter how much you dumb down the game or introduce comeback mechanics or what have you, it all doesn’t matter unless the player is continuously playing your content without it feeling too much like busywork. So what’s the solution here? Well, it’s gonna require taking inspiration from other games instead of other fighting games, for one. Speaking of other, non-fighting games, hey, I hear Cuphead is pretty cool! *Children cheering in the distance*

Cuphead is a run n gun shooting them all up game from last year and one of my personal favorite games of 2017. And yea sure, it’s nowhere close to the first game of its kind, but it does display something, and that’s HUGE breakout mainstream popularity, despite its foreboding difficulty. Most of this can be attributed to the impressive art style of course, but it wouldn’t have endured had the core gameplay loop not been up to snuff, which of course it is, or else I wouldn’t be talking about it here.

The reason I bring up Cuphead in my blog post about fighting games should be clear; Despite the entirely different genre, I’d argue it still bears much in common with fighting games, namely what the single player portion could be in a perfect world. While the gameplay loop in Cuphead and tutorial/challenge modes in fighting games follow the same mechanical loop, which can be grossly simplified to “throwing yourself at the wall repeatedly until you can climb”, in Cuphead this rarely gets boring and tedious, while hassling with fighting game challenges feels like pure busywork. While that seems anecdotal, I can 100% bet you that there’s more people who played Cuphead to completion than people who got even kinda decent at your favorite fighting game...well, accounting for ratios and all that.

So what’s the big difference? Well sure, you can say that Cuphead has the advantage of much simpler mechanics, but I think the real key to success is just simple presentation. When you get down to brass tacks, the weird and wacky bosses you face in Cuphead aren’t much more than patterns to learn and habits to form, not unlike any other fighting game tutorial. Just like a fighting game tut or combo challenge, you’re probably gonna fail and restart like 50 times until you get it right, and then you move onto harder challenges. By the end of the game, I became so good at parrying that the game felt it necessary to have a boss pattern that does little else but fill the screen with parry-able attacks, which I easily overcame like it was second nature. So what makes Cuphead so consistently fun and replayable while doing challenges in the lab has more, uh....niche appeal?

It’s all context, really. Sure, it seems superficial, but its just objective fact that fighting a dragon with its own health bar and everything that wants to kill you dead with its fire breath is gonna be more fun than beating on the same helpless CPU 50 times until you beat on them in this exact specific way. Just imagine if Cuphead worked the way fighting games did- There’s no big funny bosses to kick your ass, it’s just a series of separate execution challenges you pull off over and over again to a Mugman with infinite health, and the win condition is to pull off the required series of jumps and shots a boss fight would normally require of you. Doesn’t sound too fun, does it?

In essence, what I propose here is just slapping some story context and maybe a health bar onto what a normal fighting game would consider a “tutorial” or a “challenge.” Yeah, it’s superficial, but so what? It’s a god damned video game, giving some emotional attachment to practical concepts should be key here. 

Right now you probably notice my observations on “Story modes” and “Challenge/Tutorial modes” are two gigantic puzzle pieces that fit suspiciously well together, and that should be obvious; Take the meaningless fluff of story mode and the oppressive academia of the more practical modes, hold em up real close like and tell em

This is what I’d like to call the “fruits and veggie shake” approach to game design. For most fighting games, you have a direct segregation between these fruits and veggies, like to the point where they’re not even in the kitchen, the fruits are in the living room and the veggies are in the attic of the next house. So statistically while plenty of the playerbase will eat up those sugary fruits, they’re probably gonna ignore the veggies, which is a crying shame bc they’re good for you and will keep you healthy in the long run. Fruits are stuff like story modes, arcade mode, tekken ball, all that stuff, while the veggies are all the more practical shits that all the anime and indie fighters like to brag about.  And if you’ve ever made a veggie shake, you would know that the fruit flavor always overpowers the vegetables. The kids don’t even know they eatin they greens, it all just tastes like fruit!

This is a groundbreaking approach to game design as exhibited by a select few classics such as DAMN NEAR EVERY OTHER GAME GENRE EVER MADE which is a winning formula bc its fun, and fun things are fun, why do I even need to explain this? Getting at least moderately good at a fighting game shouldn’t feel like an academic course, it should at least be tricking my dumb as shit lizard brain into putting all that time into learning it so I can wipe the dumb grin off that Boss That Teaches You About Footsies’ face.

The only game I recall that came the absolute closest to this is, weirdly enough, the tutorials for the Darkstalkers Resurrection HD re-releases that came out a long time ago. It was an extremely minor touch, but every one of the character tutorials sorta contextualized the challenges you were about to take with a threadbare story, mostly having to do with a suspiciously similar recolor of your chosen character talking to you about needing to practice or whatnot. It only amounts to a few lines of dialogue in a text box, but it went a long way into giving me enough of an emotional connection that led me to 100% all of the tutorials, which is a lot more I can say for damn near every other fighting game trial mode. These trials weren’t easy either!

People also like to bring up the tutorial in Guilty Gear Xrd Revelator, which had you going through a very gamey representation of the core mechanics framed in the context of Sol Badguy vs Jack-O’s wacky cast of minions, which yknow, is a good step in the right direction. But I think we can go further.

For a basic setup here, let’s assume there’s a character in our hypothetical Good Fighting Game that has a crouching fierce that takes the form of a sweep, which in turns also chains into a standing fierce. Not much combo potential, but it allows you to recover faster so you can set up additional offense. The opponent will have to block low to guard, and the additional fierce will keep the chain safe on block. So sure, you could include that in a combo challenge, but we can also spice it up a bit for increased engagement:

So in this situation, let’s have a boss character that encompasses many of the core concepts inherent to a certain characters fundementals; For some convoluted reason, his brand of martial arts makes it so he’s invincible from all forms of attack besides down below, and if he does guard down there, he’ll immediately do a short ranged counter-attack unless you do the follow up standing fierce. After doing that enough times, Boss McAsshole will catch onto what you’re doing and adjust his strategy by acting defensively and crouching down. Thankfully, our character here can perform a very fast and near instant airdash much lower than other characters can; You can take full advantage of this and drain the Boss’ health quicker by doing this special airdash and attacking with an aerial fierce on the way in, which acts as an overhead, and finishing with a knockdown combo.

And yeah, this boss is rough and tough, but you’re at least slightly more likely to take up his challenges so long as you get the satisfaction of slapping that dude in the balls to his doom. It’s more satisfying to finally defeat that swamp-assed dragon in Dark Souls IIII than it is to just do the required canned inputs that would result in defeated said dragon but removed from its context. All it really takes is putting the flimsiest bit of context or story or whatever to what you already have in the trial modes, just reworked to be a bit more gamey. Take that GGXrd Rev tutorial and attach it to something with an actual health bar or something, or lock entire story content behind a combo trial contextualized as a dance recital or something. Imagine unlocking a new character, and the first thing it does is put you through a story sequence where they need to overcome a stage or enemy that requires using their specific tools in practical ways, so you have a good feel for the character if u ever feel like picking them up. Yeah fighting game mechanics are more complex than other games, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take those lessons from simpler games and apply it here. Your average Normie McBoremie is perfectly willing to get they ass whipped dozens of times over for the sake of seeing the next boss or lines of dialogue, people don’t dislike hard games, they just don’t like BORING ones. So stop being boring! FUN THINGS ARE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN

anyway, while this wouldn’t entirely solve the issue of newbies getting discouraged from getting bootybumped online, it would at least give them better frame of reference as to what needs improving when the supplementary content designed specifically to go over the core fundementals they need to improve on are at least mixed together with the mild amusement of the antics of your fighting game’s canonical universe, or I don’t know, SOMETHING. I dunno. Anyway don’t read this bc I plan on this being the main philosophical backbone for my own fighting game, which will take the entire world by storm and yours wont, so HAH.

[expositoryessaytopics132]

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