#but also as someone who experiences anxiety i've been told that's how i look when i'm actually detached and full of dread and adrenaline lo
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Arctic Monkeys, The Spangled Hellcat Shalalala
(Later with Jools Holland 2011) đŠľ
#i would love to know what's going through his mind when he does performances like these#like he looks so dreamy and lost in thought#but also as someone who experiences anxiety i've been told that's how i look when i'm actually detached and full of dread and adrenaline lo#either way this is a gorgeous performance#and he is a gorgeous little human đ#the flicky hair and long lashes and sharp cheekbones and soft pout are absolutely KILLING me#absolutely devastating creature đ#alex turner#sias era#arctic monkeys#alex gifs#my gifs#lulu posts
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I Want You to Stay (10) | JJK
Pairing:Â Jungkook x (f.) Reader
Genre/Tags: boss!JK x assistant!reader; idiot strangers to lovers; slow slow burn; k-drama feels; angst, drama, fluff, smut
Chapter (Series) Warnings: foul/explicit language; alcohol consumption & passing out, unhealthy coping mechanisms; family drama; minor injuries; power dynamics (JK starts off as a jerk); work-related anxiety, feelings of helplessness, insecurities; mentions of childhood traumatic experiences, nightmares; sexual harassment, attempted assault; mention of implied of domestic violence (PLS BE CAREFUL WHEN READING); arts and business/property devt talk thatâs probably inaccurate; commitment issues & emotionally constipated characters; cold and detached JK; eventual explicit sexual content (specific warnings stated per chapter) (18+)
Chapter Word count:Â 20.6k
Series Masterlist
Status:Â Ongoing
Series summary: Working for Jungkook isnât the same as working for Hoseok. For starters, Jungkook doesnât smile, he doesnât appreciate you, and he gives you too much work. It doesnât help that heâs incredibly handsome and has women at his beck and call. But as the tension grows, it becomes impossible to resist him. Youâve dedicated yourself to your job for 8 years so when you finally decide to put yourself first, he asks you to reconsider. And while you know that leaving is difficult, you learn that when it comes to Jungkook, staying is always so much harder.
Playlist đś: on the way home
A/N: Hiii we're close to the end! I've been enjoying this journey with all of you; thank you for being patient, and again for all your love and appreciation for this story. 𼰠Updates will continue to take longer as I continue to work and study. On another note, pls savour this! Hehe
And as always, my biggest thanks to @wonwoonlight đĽ°
PS. If I canât tag you, pls fix your settings!
The weekend after your site visits passes by excruciatingly slowly.Â
You zone out while watching your variety shows the rest of Saturday. On Sunday, you do errands and clean your apartment. Whether youâre lying on the couch or moving about, you find yourself constantly stopping, wondering how Jungkook is doing.Â
You could say that the trip ended on a good note. The drive back home had you sharing both the silence and conversations about growing up with your friends and finding refuge in your favorite places. He was smiling as you narrated your stories and while he told his. He was engaged most of the time, drifting away for only some short moments before coming back to you.Â
There was a different emotion in his eyes when you said your goodbye after he dropped you off, though. You could see gratitude in them but also sadness, as if the memories from the night before and from 20 years ago lingered. You know enough about that, too. Good memories can override bad ones sometimes, but in some cases, they only do so for a while, and they can only do so much.Â
The image of him of looking afraid from that Friday night is etched in your mind. The way he heaved, how he gripped your wrists as if in desperation for the sounds to stop, and the emptiness in his eyes as the thunder continued to roar keep you up at night.
You felt so constrained at that moment. There wasnât much you could do that would be appropriate, but it doesnât mean that you didnât wish you couldâve done something more to comfort him, to tell him that no matter how scared he was, he wasnât alone. That night and the morning after, you saw the most human side of Jungkook - the one that buries a lot of memories, that deals with pain and loneliness, the part thatâs fearful of others seeing him stripped bare, that cowers in his own corner until the storm has passed. You saw him as someone who needs a companion but is too scared, maybe too stubborn to reach out. He looked familiar because he looked like you.Â
All you could do was hold him in any way, protect him from the monsters outside and maybe within, and show him that whatever hurt, gentleness could make it hurt less; hopefully it could slowly heal the ache, too.Â
Thatâs what you learned all these years - all the fear and pain you experienced as a child slowly turned into scars because of your motherâs grace and your best friendsâ kindness. You donât know who gives any of that to Jungkook, and you hoped that during that moment, you were able to give even just a fraction of what you received.Â
Even if he kept his distance, you stayed close because you knew that thatâs when he needed you the most. And you wonât ever forget the way his eyes softened during that ride home; you wonât forget the smile tinged with apology and gratitude that accompanied the silence. You knew it was his way of expressing emotions he couldnât verbalize and you could only wish that he knew that you accept them, that you understand.Â
You stop yourself from sending him messages a few times, not wanting to invade his space if he prefers to be alone. Maybe heâs figured out a way to cope. Maybe heâs moved on from the incident and wants to just forget about it. Regardless, the last thing you want is to push him away by being too close, so you do the hard thing and wait for the start of the week to see him again.
You enter the car that Monday morning with Mr. Riâs soft eyes greeting you. You ask if heâs feeling better and he says he is, expressing his disappointment at not being there to drive you and Jungkook last week.Â
âHow was he?â He asks, knowing that the weather was pretty bad.
âHe wasnât good,â you answer dejectedly. âI think he had a nightmare. I had to calm him down. And he⌠he told me what happened at that cabin when he was young. I didnât know it was that bad.���
âIt was. He was just a kid. He was only excited about the trip because he thought his parents were joining him and his brother,â the elder man says. âAnd well, that was when they had to be separated for safety reasons. Then that incident happened. I think heâs carried that resentment towards them ever since.â
âWere you there?âÂ
âI was the one who found him,â Mr. Ri answers, baring his own pain at having witnessed a young Jungkook being so scared. âI noticed he was missing and I searched for over an hour. It was a big area and the ground was wet and I couldnât hear him because of the rain. When I finally found him, I carried him back and stayed with him until he woke up. He was so frightened and he⌠he wasnât the same after. There was this constant fear and this desire to just be left on his own.â
You force the scene of a young Jungkook yelling for someone under the rain out of your mind. Perhaps the detachment in his eyes that you always see is a remnant from that time when heâd felt so helpless and alone. You donât know how someone can carry that with them for 20 years. You donât know how someone heals from that either.
âI know heâs not your responsibility, ___. Youâve done so much for him already,â Mr. Ri continues in your silence. âBut no one has shown him kindness the way you have and he's learned to accept that now. He needs it the most during those times. If itâs not too much, I hope you can continue doing that.â
âI intend to,â you respond. It had been natural for you to be gentle, to be patient, and reluctant he may have been at the start, you know your persistence helped him as well. âHeâs done so much for me and I donât think Iâll ever get to thank him for that.â
âIs that why, then?â He wonders. âIs all this just to repay him for the times he was there for you? Or is there another reason?â
You meet his eyes in the rear view mirror and the sullen, almost guilty look in yours tells him that there's more. When you look away, he learns itâs something you donât want to accept, something you donât want to acknowledge.Â
âItâs okay, you know?â He says, as if he knows exactly what youâre thinking and maybe he does. âWe canât help what we feel sometimes.â
âIt doesnât mean itâs right.â
âIt doesnât mean itâs always wrong.â
âYou know itâs not that simple,â you sigh.Â
âI know it isnât. But I just think that being honest about what you feel helps. It may not be easy but you owe it to yourself to find the happiness you deserve.â
âBut I donât know what that looks like.â
âYou do,â he insists. âMaybe youâre just scared of what chasing it would mean. But if you allow yourself to truly feel what you feel, then it would be clear what youâd need to do. Just remember that whatever decision you make, youâre gonna have to stand by it, okay? You canât regret any of it.â
You let his words settle, knowing that they come from a place of pain. But still, you ask a question youâve been meaning to for a while now.
âDo you regret the decision you made back then?â
Mr. Ri prolongs the silence. He doesnât meet your eyes when he answers.
âEveryday.â
Your heart breaks for him. You know what he did all those years ago, and knowing that it continues to haunt him pains you. You donât want that burden. You donât want one decision to determine how the rest of your life is gonna go with no way to make up for it. You suppose thatâs what will happen to you, but youâve got time to change all that. Maybe you just need the courage to do it.
âThe debt I owed kept me from chasing my happiness,â he continues. âYouâve paid yours so donât let it stop you. You just have to be brave enough for it.â
You nod, meeting his eyes through the mirror this time in understanding and gratitude, letting his words comfort you as you exit the car.Â
You walk towards Jungkookâs penthouse in anticipation, as the worry of how heâs been creeps in again. The moment you enter, you get your answer, as you hear the sound of leather hitting leather, the loudest itâs ever been. You could hear him heaving, almost breathless with every movement, but he grunts in between, and you hear the frustration in his every breath.Â
From your position in the kitchen, you can see him in the far right corner of his gym, throwing one punch after another, his face wincing in pain, his body gradually giving in as he slows down. He hugs the punching bag with one arm while his free hand continues to jab at it until eventually, that stops, too. He releases it then spreads his body out on the floor as he tries to catch his breath now. You can feel his exhaustion; thereâs desperation, too.
He stays there for a while, and you wonder if heâs releasing whatever negative emotions heâs had these past days just now, or if this is what heâs been doing everyday since he got back.Â
He sits up, and you look away the moment he glances at your direction. He heads your way, nods at you in acknowledgment, then gulps down the energy drink that he takes from the fridge. His drenched white shirt sticks to his body, but itâs his bruised knuckles that catch your attention. You donât know if these wounds are from this morning or from the days before but regardless, he acts as if theyâre not there. You doubt if he even feels them sting.
Perhaps this is how he copes with anything - tiring himself out, expending all his energy until heâs numb, releasing his emotions in a way that doesnât require him to be honest or to even say anything. Maybe this is how he accepts; maybe itâs how he moves on and forgets.
He drags himself towards his bedroom then you make your way to his closet to prepare his clothes. You return to the kitchen soon after and decide to make some fried rice. Itâs the one dish you make that might make a difference to his mood this morning, so you get to work and cook with what you can, deciding that itâs definitely one of the most delicious ones youâve ever made.
He finishes his morning routine later than usual. When you walk towards him to fix his tie, you try to hold his gaze, wanting to tell him in your own way that youâre there if he ever wants to talk, but he only glances at you before looking away. Youâre unsure of the cause of his somber disposition but the sadness in his eyes causes a crack in your heart. Itâs different, you think, and you donât know how else you can comfort him.
âI made some fried rice,â you tell him as you walk to the dining table.Â
He follows, taking his seat then quietly eating his meal as you go through his schedule. He merely hums and doesnât ask questions, only speaking up when you bring up last weekâs site visits, with him saying that thereâs no rush for that, and that youâll talk about it some other time. Itâs what tells you that what happened last Friday isnât something heâs really gotten over. Maybe there are still remnants from that night - of fear, of discomfort; perhaps a bit of shame. And you donât blame him. Theyâre what you felt after the incident at the restaurant and after your injury. Being helpless in front of someone is confronting; thereâs so much of yourself that gets exposed, and you suppose itâs not something that Jungkook is used to.
You share in the silence, glancing at him to see if what youâve prepared is affecting him in any way, and you donât miss the subtle satisfied look he makes once he finishes his meal. Itâs what prompts you to push it a little. You stand up, take an ice pack from the fridge, then retrieve the first-aid kit from the drawer. Taking a seat next to him, you lay your palm out on the table, gesturing for him to give you his hands to treat.
âThereâs no need,â he says, turning away again.
âI let you push my wheelchair,â you remind him. âAnd I let you dress my foot.â
âYou were injured.â
âAnd you have gashes on your hands,â you point out. âWhich means youâre wounded and you canât leave those exposed. So please, would you let me do this for you?â
Thereâs a hint of desperation in your voice, as if all you want is for him to give in and let you help him. Youâve been trying to meet his eyes since you arrived and heâs been the coward who avoids it every time. But the last thing he wants is for you to think that he wants to push you away because he doesnât; he just doesnât know how to act around you after what happened last Friday. It may have ended with your unspoken forgiveness and your smile telling him that heâll be alright, that youâll be alright, but the past days havenât been good to him.
In an effort to show you that heâs not angry, he moves his hand towards yours ever so slightly. He doesnât look at you when you take his left hand and put it over your palm, but he does feel his heart skip a beat at your touch. You place the ice pack over his knuckles, then you move it over to his other hand so you can put antiseptic cream on the one thatâs free.
Youâre so gentle with him even when tending to his wounds. But that shouldnât come as a surprise, especially now, as he sees you make an effort in letting him know that everythingâs okay and that youâre around in case he needs anything.
The thing is, he doesnât know what he needs right now. After last weekâs incident when he blamed you for not checking the weather, he felt ashamed. Heâd apologized for how he used to treat you right before that, and then he went ahead and did all that again over a fear of his that he couldnât get over, one that came to light that night.Â
You saw it all - that part of him that he despises, that he keeps hidden, that heâs burdened by.
That was another thing - you were the one who woke him up and kept him steady. Perhaps it was a nightmare he was having, but itâs also always been the way his body reacted to the rain and the thunder because of what happened when he was a child. But you saw him bare and terrified, a side of him he wasnât sure youâd want to see or be around for. You saw him weak and helpless, things he never wants to be in front of other people. You experienced him being honest and not in control, and that made him feel unguarded.
You held him steady though, grounding him when he was slowly losing himself to the fear. Your hands on his head kept him in the present, pulling him back when his mind would travel to that fateful rainy evening in the woods. Your calm and soft voice sounded like a lullaby to him, fighting away the loud sounds that have haunted him for years. It soothed parts of him that were hurting, and youâd done it so naturally, so easily.Â
Itâs what prompted him to share with you the memory he just canât erase. And you told him that he could call you when it happened again so you can both replace the bad memories with good ones. Maybe you want him to be brave; he thinks thatâs not something that he is.Â
Maybe thatâs why heâs been this way since he got home that day. Thereâs a lot of emotion he doesnât know how to express nor even properly name. Heâs sure theyâre negative though, and somehow that makes him even more ashamed. He doesnât like not being in control. He doesnât like being that bare and uninhibited, especially in front of you, the only person he doesnât want to scare away.Â
He spent the entire weekend boxing and running around the Han River parks in hopes that all the tiredness would help keep his mind off things. But somehow, it always ended up thinking of you. It wanted to hear your voice once more; it wanted your touch.
He has them again today and he feels undeserving. Yet youâre here, healing his physical wounds and everything else thatâs hurting within in the ways only you know how to. And he just wants to pull you close. He realizes now that even on days when he hates himself, youâre the one he wants to be around. Somehow you make that hate a little less than before.Â
âAll done,â you say after placing the fabric bandage on his knuckles. âMinimal movements, okay? And ice them when you can in case somethingâs swollen.â
âI will,â he says softly, retrieving his hand and feeling your touch still linger, knowing he wants more of it.
You proceed to discuss some events he needs to attend all the way to the office with no mentions of how either of your weekends went. He wonders how you spent yours, hoping it was better than his. He wonders, too, if you thought about him the way he thought about you. But you seem focused on work matters for today, perhaps thinking he doesnât want to talk about anything else. And you wouldnât be wrong.Â
He gets to his room where he sighs in relief once he sits on his desk chair. Itâs now that he feels the soreness and fatigue, as all he wants is to go home and lay in bed for the rest of the day. But he canât afford that, so he pushes on, surviving a morning meeting and slowly going through each of his emails. Heâs surprised when you serve him his favorite beef brisket for lunch, and your soft smile as he thanks you is his bright spot for the rest of the afternoon.Â
He powers through reviewing documents right after but his eyes start falling, prompting him to just lean back on his chair for a good few seconds before getting back to work. You knock on the door not long after, and then you place a cup of chamomile tea on his desk.
âI need about five espresso shots, Ms. Cho, not this,â he sighs, the tiredness in his voice evident. But you donât seem taken aback by his words.
âI disagree, sir,â you reply. âThis is to help you calm down. Thereâs also a couch right there. Thereâs a reason why itâs big and comfortable.â
He picks up on what youâre suggesting, and he shakes his head in response.Â
âIâm not gonna sleep here.â
âNo one will know,â you shrug. âBut you know itâs okay, right? I canât imagine how tired you must be. Youâre not Superman, Mr. Jeon. Plus, Mr. Jung would take naps here after long nights or during hectic days. Itâs normal. And it might just be what you need.â
âIâll decide what I need, Ms. Cho,â he says defensively. âI wouldnât want my staff sleeping on the job so why should I?â
Jungkook regrets the words right as he says them, especially when he sees your face fall the tiniest bit. But you recover, saying that you understand then turning to head out. But you fix the pillow on the couch and place the blanket on the armrest before leaving, and he knows that your stubbornness is often a reflection of how you care.Â
So he takes a sip of the tea and eventually finishes it, indulging you in this way, but given the morning heâs had, his body gives in. He decides, like you said, that he needs a nap, and he doesnât miss the victorious smile on your face that he sees from inside when he calls to instruct you not to disturb him for the next half hour.Â
With the dim lights and air purifier, he falls asleep right as his body hits the couch. When he wakes up 30 minutes later, he feels infinitely better; now he can focus and be productive.
You see the lights turn back on from outside and itâs your signal that heâs woken up from his nap. You wait a while before asking to enter his room to say that his father requested a meeting due to start in an hour. Jungkookâs putting his coat back on and you walk towards him to help.
âWas it good?â You ask, fixing the creases and aligning his necktie.
âYeah,â he hums, not meeting your eyes again. âYou were right, I needed that. And the couch really is comfortable.â
âThatâs good. You should listen to your assistant more often,â you tease.Â
âI really should,â he smiles now, soft and reserved. âBut I do feel better. Thank you.â
You exit his room and feel accomplished. You believe, like what others have told you, that showing him a bit of gentleness will prompt him to be a little gentler to himself, too. He works too hard sometimes, and taking a break when he needs it is one thing, but of course, itâs not everything.
The rest of the week goes by fairly similarly. Jungkook always looks tired, and it makes you wonder if heâs able to sleep properly at night or if he just overexerts himself during his morning workouts. Heâs quiet when youâre not discussing work matters, making you miss your casual conversations. And though he acknowledges your occasional teasing remark, he doesnât tease back like heâs been doing recently.Â
He has his moments of frustration but heâs mostly serious when you glance at him. Heâs less engaging, too, and you suppose thatâs what bothers you the most, as you realize that you enjoy talking with him, you enjoy getting to know him through your exchanges, allowing you a peek into his world that you know is reserved for very, very few people.Â
You suppose that whatever heâs dealing with is something he wants to go through on his own. Accepting your fears is one thing; accepting that you exposed all those to someone else is another. Itâs why you try, in your own ways, to lift his spirits, wanting to let him know that he has nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to you.Â
You get him lunch from his favorite restaurants everyday, you add sweets to his servings of coffee or chocolate milk, you smile at him more, encourage him frequently, and during the times when he seems distant, you donât completely move away. You reach out just a little bit, hoping that heâll know that youâre around even when he doesnât feel much like himself. You donât want to match his detachment with your own.
It seems that you got your point across. On Friday, he dismisses you after he insists that he wants to stay back to work on a few things.
â___,â he calls out as youâre about to exit his room. âThank you for being patient with me this week. I⌠I needed that.â
You turn around and Jungkook doesnât shy away from meeting your eyes this time. Heâs noticed you try to hold his gaze all week; you always lingered, too. Maybe itâs your way of comforting him or saying that you understand him. He felt both of those but he couldnât find it in him to acknowledge them. There was a lot on his mind as he dealt with the frustration and shame of what happened, of how exposed and unguarded he was in front of you.
But you didnât complain; you didnât push him to engage or share anything. Even his moments of frustration were met with kindness and his silence was received with assurance. You tried to cheer him up in whatever way you could, and he could feel you just giving him time to be on his own.Â
He hopes he didnât push you away. There were so many times when he just wanted you around so he could see more of your smile and hear the calmness of your voice; those always made him feel better. Whatever fears he had about how you would think of him after the incident have dissipated, as you look softly at him in understanding. He doesnât need to say anything more, as you seem to know exactly what he means because this whole time, you seemed to also know exactly what he needed.
âI hope youâre feeling better, Jungkook,â you smile. âIâll see you on Monday.â
Jungkook returns to his usual self the week after. He says he went to one of their properties in Gwangju over the weekend where the weather was good and the long drive helped him stay focused and rejuvenated. He doesnât say much of what heâs feeling and you expect that, but youâre glad his little trip gave him some peace somehow.Â
You, on the other hand, were left to deal with your growing feelings for him while downplaying them to your best friends. They came over for their regular visit on Saturday and while they were sympathetic with Jungkook over what happened, they still reminded you to be cautious. Once you cross a line, thereâs no going back, and once you fully admit to what you feel, you canât unfeel it; not acting on it becomes too hard and in your case, complicated.
The week is like any other but with much anticipation, given the upcoming annual team building that everyoneâs excited about. This is one of the things that the support team was worried wouldnât happen under Jungkookâs leadership, but you assured them early on that it was mandatory. And with him having loosened up and feeling more comfortable around them, you have high hopes that heâll enjoy it as much as everyone will.Â
Itâs why on that Saturday, you find yourself in the mall to buy the things that youâll be needing for those three days that youâll be spending in one of the Jeon properties in Gangwon. The venue changes every year and the villas by the lake are perfect for spring this time. Your shopping list includes all the materials for the activities and some other things Jungkook requested, like a certain book that he doesnât have time to buy.
You enter a bookstore and as you try to find what youâre looking for, something else catches your eye. You may love the library for the space more than the books, but there will always be those that pull you in and make you curious. Even if you only read picture books when you were younger, there were a few short stories and poems that piqued your interest. You never finished them but you did manage to get through several pages.
The one right in front of you - with its pastel colored cover and simple yet intriguing design - feels like one of those. To your delight, itâs a short story collection, and your smile is immediate as you go through the pages, with each story being accompanied by illustrations that feel so personal. This would be a nice read while youâre lounging at the villaâs deck or even on your balcony, you think.
Another book catches your attention. The title is familiar, and you realize itâs one of the classics that you were required to read in high school. It has a new cover, and you see that itâs a new edition to celebrate its 30th year. You go through the pages as well, thinking back to when you had to force yourself to finish this some 15 years ago. It looks more fresh now, and definitely more enticing.
âDid you find what youâre looking for?â
You look up to find a tall man with deep-set eyes as the owner of the voice whoâd interrupted your moment of book appreciation.Â
âIâm okay,â you dismiss him. âI donât need assistance.â
You politely smile then return the books in their respective spots, ready to head out and search for what you came here to buy.Â
âAre you not going to get those?â The man presses. âYou seemed to be interested in them andââ
âWere you watching me?â You ask, taken aback.
âUh, no. I mean, not in the way you think,â he answers in panic, seemingly nervous at how it looks. âI wasnât being creepy or anything I just⌠IâŚâ
âDo you even work here?â You interrogate him, your alarm bells ringing at this manâs odd behavior and the absence of a nameplate that the other staff have on.
âI actually work for the company that published those books,â he says, his head down as if in embarrassment. âAnd we just put those out this week and Iâm checking around to see peopleâs reaction and I realize now that itâs incredibly foolish of me to stand around and observe customers because itâs not only creepy, itâs also terribly disrespectful. Iâm so sorry.â
Thereâs guilt in his eyes and itâs something you can recognize. You decide heâs being sincere and engage him a little.
âSo⌠you work at Rkive Publishing?â You ask as you glance at the books. âAs what?â
âIâm an editor, actually,â he answers, revealing his shy smile and dimples. âIâve spent months on these books and thought, what better way to know peopleâs impression than to see them for myself? It seemed better in my head. I guess I wasnât being subtle.â
âNo, not really. I was kinda having a moment but then you popped out of nowhere,â you say, laughing to ease the tension. âBut uh, the covers are stunning. I liked the personal touch of the short story collection and this classic looks a lot more interesting than I remember.â
âThatâs uh, thatâs good,â he grins, mostly to himself. âOur production team did really well in putting them together and to see the final products is incredibly satisfying, even more so when customers feel the same.â
âI donât really read books but these just caught my eye. Itâs a good way to pull people in,â you admit.Â
âThatâs nice to know,â he smiles again. âI feel pretty fulfilled just knowing they got your attention. Even if you wonât buy them.â
He doesnât seem like heâs guilt-tripping you but he still apologizes for how it sounds.Â
âI just⌠feel really strongly about how these pieces connect with people, even if itâs fleeting,â the man continues. âI just got over excited but thank you for not shunning me away.â
âI donât think connections are fleeting, though,â you remark, surprising him and even yourself. âEven if itâs a thought or a memory or an impression⌠they stay with you in one way or another. I mean, every time I enter a bookstore, Iâll probably think about those covers and remember these books and maybe the excitement I felt. Thatâs still something, isnât it?â
Thereâs appreciation in the manâs eyes as he takes in your words.Â
You may not be a book nerd nor an artsy person but youâve been more introspective lately about the things around you. You donât know if itâs the desperation to relate with anything and everything but if thereâs one thing that working on the Arts Center has pushed you to do, itâs that pursuit of connection - with your surroundings, with people, and with yourself. You suppose thatâs where all this is coming from, and the stranger in front of you whom youâre somehow connecting with right now understands that.Â
âIt is something,â he flashes a smile again, the joy in it radiating and softening his very manly features. âThatâs very reassuring, thank you.â
He steps aside and nods, perhaps giving you the space that he thinks he invaded, which in hindsight, youâre glad he did.
You bow in acknowledgment and head towards another aisle to look for that leadership book that Jungkook asked you to get. You immediately find it then make your way home, all the while thinking about your earlier encounter and how the briefest conversations can make you reflect about things and as you learn, lead you down a path you didnât expect.
To appease your curiosity, you research about Rkive Publishing and learn that itâs a ten-year old company that works with up-and-coming local authors. It has also taken on special projects such as publishing classics for their milestone releases and some translated works. The man you met, who happens to be the editorial director, is a poet as well but apparently finds as much happiness in putting pieces out for people to enjoy as he does in writing them himself. He doesnât seem that much older than you but heâs seen the world and in the eyes of an artist, you canât imagine how beautiful and heartbreaking that must be.
You go down a rabbit hole of reading some of his poems and even some interviews heâd done when he set up the company years ago. You learn that he loves to write about the complexity of relationships, the fragility of human emotions, and the search for permanence in an impermanent world.Â
His words are captivating. You want to pick apart his brain to know more about what he thinks about humansâ need for connection despite our fear of them. You want to know what makes love the way it is, why it creates and sustains and ruins those who feel and have them. You want to know if he thinks that each person is capable of love, if thatâs what makes us human, or if our humanness derives from the inadequacy of love - of what we give and what we receive.Â
You read a bit more about the books theyâve published and the authors theyâve worked with over the years. Itâs midnight by the time you finish, and other than deciding that youâll go back tomorrow to buy that short story book collection, one other thing fills your mind - the thought that thereâs a reason for that encounter earlier, and itâs probably to lead you to finding this company and the production officer position that happens to be currently vacant.Â
The soft eyes that greet you from across the table where the books are placed is a welcome sight this time. The man from yesterday flashes you a shy smile and you greet him with your own.
âI didnât expect to see you so soon but Iâm glad that youâre here,â he says as he approaches you.
You raise the book you intend to buy. âConnections arenât fleeting,â you remind him. âI couldnât really stop thinking about this since yesterday. And uh, curiosity got to me and I looked up Rkive Publishing. Youâre doing great work. I read that youâre working on translations of several books, too.â
His eyes light up as he talks about wanting to attract a wider audience, given the increasing interest in Korean culture. The story of your people appeals to many because itâs shared, and he says thatâs one beauty of art in whatever form - the meanings are endless, and they weave together to form something enduring and constant. Thatâs what he and his mother hoped for the company when they founded it a decade ago, he narrates, and he has the tough task of creating that avenue for such art to affect more people without diluting its meaning.
âIâm sorry, Iâm rambling again,â he shakes his head. âI just get so⌠yeah. Iâve just never met a buyer who actually searched us up after seeing our books on the shelf. Iâm trying to engage more people. Our sales team said thatâs one way to establish our presence.â
âYou donât have to apologize,â you assure him. âI may not be as passionate about anything as you but I understand feeling strongly about something. And if Iâm being honest⌠thereâs another thing that caught my eye about your company.â
âWhat is it?â
âYou have an opening for the production officer position. I⌠I was impressed and looked up career options.â
âAh, so youâre interested then?â He asks excitedly.Â
âI am. Although I donât have any experience in publishing or anything related to books or literature for that matter.â
âRelevant experience is the qualification,â he hums. âIâd ask more but I can do so during the interview. What do you say?â
âThatâs if Iâll make the shortlist,â you laugh. âAlthough I suppose my executive assistant experience is relevant enough.â
âOh, it definitely is. That is no easy task.â
âWell, I hope meeting you like this wonât make any future application inappropriate,â you say.Â
âNot at all. That position has been vacant for a while. And weâre looking for two. Itâs not always the role that those in the industry go for. I suppose itâs made for those looking for a career change,â he playfully winks. âBut seriously though, think of this encounter as part of the process. Youâve done your research about us anyway, which kind of means youâre already a step ahead. Itâs only a matter of actually applying, which I hope you do.â
âItâs an option,â you hum. âThis wasnât something I initially considered but itâs amazing how certain moments shape our decisions, isnât it? I mean, theyâre not really fleeting.â
âOf course,â he nods, thinking back to your comment from yesterday. âItâs all about being open, so please think about it. I may not know anything about your credentials but talking with you has already given me insight into what you think about our work and the power of stories. And thatâs very important to me.â
âI still have a lot going on but Iâll definitely keep you in mind. I hope the position is still open when the time comes.â
âIf itâs meant to be then it will be,â he assures you. âIâm Namjoon, by the way.â
âI know,â you giggle, taking the business card that he hands out. âAnd Iâm ___. Iâll see you around.â
His smile is the last thing you see before you head out the store with your purchased book in hand. And as you lay in bed that night, the possibilities of taking on a new journey play in your mind.Â
Thereâs the connection to the good memories of your childhood and the unloading of the burdens you carry. Thereâs being around people youâre not tied or indebted to and thereâs forging your own way towards a path that you deliberately chose.
But thereâs also Jungkook, whom you canât stop thinking about and who happens to be a hindrance when it comes to pursuing your own goals in life. Those goals include happiness and freedom even if ironically, those are the things he also gives you. Thereâs the new emotions he makes you feel, the connection you canât deny you have with him, and the desire that constantly eats you up inside.Â
Youâve always had your feet inside your walls with your hand on the door, just waiting for the courage to finally step out. The only thing stopping you is Jungkook and all the other possibilities with him. They may remain unrealized but theyâre there. You just hope that one day youâll convince yourself that walking away from him was exactly the thing you had to do.
You watch in awe as Yohan loads the last crate of food in the rented van youâll be using for this weekendâs team building in some lakeside property in Gangwon. The trunk is filled with all sorts of meat and vegetables, chips, and alcohol that seem to be good for a tribe of more than 10, way more than your team of seven.
âYou do know weâre only there for three days, right?â You remind the younger man. âI donât think we eat this much.â
âDonât you know Do-hyun?â Yohan says. âSheâs half my size but she eats twice as much as I do. And I eat a lot. Plus, the guy she was seeing ghosted her so sheâs probably gonna eat even more. Heartbreak shit, you know?â
âI donât,â you chuckle, although you canât help but feel bad again for Do-hyun whom you had to comfort not long ago because of her boy problems. âBut are you sure these are all within budget?â
âYes. Chin-sun is a master at bargaining. And, because weâre such a good team, Mr. Min and Mr. Jung gave us some of their favorite liquor,â Yohan hums satisfyingly. âThose smell expensive. So yeah, we didnât have to spend much on alcohol since Mr. Jeon brought some, too, which is why we got to buy all this food.â
âFine, but we canât have drunken shenanigans, okay? I donât have the energy to babysit you guys. And Mr. Jeon is no weakling; heâll be awake to see you misbehave if you do.â
âWeâll go as far as incredibly out-of-tune karaoke singing, we promise,â Yohan laughs, learning his lesson after last yearâs midnight swim in the freezing cold river where he almost got swept away.Â
Hoseok was thankfully passed out and did not witness the almost-emergency. You had to remind your team that though youâll be going on a team-building - which is really just an excuse for the staff to eat and drink in some scenic venue - there are still rules in place, and it would be best not to give Jungkook any problem, given the progress that youâve all made.
You enter the car then leave the office - your meet up place - to take the long drive to your destination. You just got the message from Mr. Ri that theyâre almost there; they left much earlier so that Jungkook could make it to a virtual meeting with Hoseok and his father.Â
The ride starts off peaceful, as everyone is still slowly waking up. Halfway through, it becomes chaotic, with Do-hyun and Yohan arguing about whoâll be on cleaning duties on which days as the youngest ones on the team. You laugh along, knowing youâll end up helping them anyway, but you look out the window and wonder how Jungkook is doing.
Heâs been incredibly busy leading to today, with several site visits to the Arts Center and meetings with the project teams multiple times the past two weeks. Heâs been staying late in the office, too, and working on the weekends. You know, because you get the odd-hour emails and find portfolios on your desk in the morning. Despite the work that he still has to squeeze in during this weekend, you hope he gets a bit of rest. More than that, you hope he finds time to be with the team and bond with them. Only you know this may be your last, and you want to keep the memories of these three days and make sure theyâre good ones.
You arrive at the place and look around, amazed at every corner and every space you set your eyes on. You know that the Jeon family has dozens of properties in scenic locations that they escape to or put out for rent. This lakeside estate is one of a few you havenât been to yet, and thereâs a reason why Jungkook wanted this to be your venue this year. Itâs spacious with lots of things to do and the view is absolutely stunning. Lush mountains frame the sparkling body of water, and with the breeze of spring, itâs every bit relaxing as you hoped.Â
Itâs quiet as the rest of the team walks around in awe. The main house boasts of a large kitchen and living space and itâs surrounded by four two-bedroom villas with their own decks. You, Chin-sun, and Do-hyun head to one while Yohan and Manager Lee head to another. You give yourselves half an hour to fix up before reconvening and when you do, you immediately smile upon seeing Jungkook already waiting.Â
He greets the team, formally welcomes you all, then talks about the property and all its amenities. He discusses whatâs in store for these next three days, then he proceeds with the first activity, which is really the only work-related thing youâre all required to do.Â
Jungkook facilitates the session, and he starts by asking everyone to reflect on all the gains and challenges this past year. He instructs each of you to share your team highs and lows, what enabled you to achieve the successes and overcome the difficulties, what caused you the most stress, and what youâre most thankful for. Every answer is met with confirming nods and statements, and it seems that everyone is on the same page about how the year went.Â
The session highlights your team dynamics - youâre all very encouraging of each other, but it doesnât stop the young ones from bickering and teasing the rest of you. Itâs fun though, as you end the hour with laughter and more memories to take with you. You glance at Jungkook who seems satisfied with every response; you hope heâs proud of how he managed everything, too, and you make sure you mention it during your turn. The smile he makes when everyone agrees warms your heart in a way you donât expect, even more so when he holds your gaze when he thanks the team in return.
Youâre rewarded with a hearty lunch an hour later, and not long after, you find yourselves near the deck of the lake, discussing how to spend your two hours of free time before the next activity.
Chin-sun and Manager Lee decide on just laying on the lounge chairs to soak up the sun. Yohan gets on a jet-ski while Do-hyun flounders about in the lake. Sipping your beer, you lean on one of the tables and savor the fresh air.Â
Thereâs not much of this in the city, and the silence - save for the young onesâ laughter in the background - is definitely worth the long ride and the backlog youâll be having once the weekend is over. Youâre not really one to stay outdoors. Youâd much rather stay inside, under the covers where you could watch movies or variety shows. That was always how you preserved your peace. Being outside always intimidated you, and you think now itâs probably because you just havenât seen that many beautiful views like this in your life. If this is whatâs outside your window everyday, youâd probably be out all the time.Â
â___, are you just gonna stay there? The waterâs amazing,â Do-hyun whines as she approaches you. âOr sunbathe if you donât want to get wet. Just get out there.â
âIâm content just watching you enjoy yourselves,â you say. âI can see the view just fine from here.â
âItâs much better up close,â she counters, standing next to you now. âCome on, this is your time to let loose since you have the permission to do so. Mr. Jeon isnât gonna be a killjoy and watch your every move, you know? If he will, then I willâŚâ
âYou will what?â You laugh.
âI will tell him heâs being a killjoy. How often can we be in a place as beautiful as this?â
âDo-hyunâs right,â Jungkook says as he appears to your left, catching both of you off guard and prompting Do-hyun to sweetly smile at him. Heâs in shorts and a loose long-sleeve shirt, perhaps ready to enjoy the outdoors as well. âThe place is too beautiful for you to just sit back and watch.â
âAnd what will you do?â You raise an eyebrow at him.
âSit back and watch,â he shrugs, earning him a laugh from you and Do-hyun. âAnd enjoy my beer. Thatâs how I relax.â
âPlease donât be boring,â Do-hyun pouts at him, embracing that little sister energy that youâve all come to love. âYou should know, Mr. Jeon, Yohan is being all cocky, saying that heâs the best jet ski rider among all of us here. I have a feeling that heâs wrong, so please show him whoâs boss. I mean, you are, obviously. But, you know what I mean.â
âI think I do,â Jungkook chuckles, putting down his drink and looking out into the lake. âBut sure. I havenât ridden one in a while but letâs see how I go.â
Jungkook walks towards the water then unknots the other jet ski. He removes his shirt and wears the life vest before riding towards where Yohan is. The view of him half-naked triggers memories of all the times youâve seen him like that, times when youâd look away and keep yourself from thinking inappropriate thoughts. Itâs no different this time, but somehow, itâs much harder to keep your heart from racing this fast.
âHoly fuck,â Do-hyun gasps next to you. âPlease donât report me but shit, ___. Whoeverâs doing Mr. Jeon is one lucky woman. I mean, look at that. And who knew he had a full sleeve of tattoo? That is so freaking hot.â
From your periphery, you could see her shocked face but you merely hum in response. You donât want to get carried away by your own expletives because there really arenât enough curses in the dictionary when it comes to describing Jungkookâs body.Â
âYou donât seem surprised,â she looks at you curiously. âAnd youâre not affected. Youâve seen it before, havenât you?â
âOf course I have. Iâm with him everyday,â you say nonchalantly.Â
âIn clothes, I would assume.â
âHe works out every morning and heâs in sleeveless tops sometimes,â you clarify. âObviously Iâve seen his arm.â
She furrows her brows as if she doesnât believe you, even if youâre telling the truth. There are just other parts of that story that you donât want to share.
âHmm, fair enough,â she gives in. âBut Iâd probably be constantly flustered or even crushing on him if I were you. So how have you managed being around him and not being attracted all this time knowing he looks like that?â
Youâre forced to look at Do-hyun, as you try to find the words to say, when she answers her own question.
âRight, he can be quite detached and too serious and heâs a playboy andââ
âYou also forget that I am his assistant and he is my boss,â you remind her. âThoughts like thatââ
âAre perfectly normal,â she interjects. âAnd totally understandable. Heâs a hot bachelor, ____. I wouldnât be able to function professionally if I were in your shoes. Which is why itâs great that Iâm here and youâre the one in that position.â
âAnd why is that?â
âBecause I might lose this job if I lose my shit every time because my boss is so hot,â she reasons. âAnd itâs not just me. Iâve seen the female staff lose their cool around him just because he spoke to them or looked their way. Itâs kind of embarrassing. But I guess the broody, asshole-y vibes add to that. And then thereâs you whoâs in his apartment every morning and heavens know what youâve seen or heard since we all know that the rumors about his dating life are true and you seem fine and totally unbothered.â
You want to laugh at how completely off Do-hyun is with her observations. Sure, you tried to be cool about it at the beginning and you mostly succeeded in being calm whenever you came close or saw any part of his body exposed.Â
But somewhere along the way, things changed. When you saw the layers underneath, he wasnât just attractive physically; he was suddenly so much more. That somehow made it harder but it also made all the restraint worth it. But thatâs not something you want to divulge to Do-hyun. No matter how difficult, you know you need to keep yourself together and stop the feelings from going any deeper.Â
âWell, just like you, I canât lose my job and I will if I let it affect me,â you say. âBut if I may say so⌠thereâs definitely more to the broody, serious man we met almost a year ago.â
âHmm, I guess thatâs true. Heâs definitely more thoughtful than I expected. Maybe a little funny, too. But thatâs really all I know. He just seems too reserved, you know? Seeing him do something like ride a jet ski or laugh with us feels like such a luxury for a man like him,â Do-hyun adds. âIt must be hard to get to know him beyond all this. I know it sure is hard to love someone like that.â
You know that Do-hyunâs merely projecting. The recent guy she was seeing was a lot more shy and private than the ones sheâs dated before. But she got him to open up and she thought that was it, that sheâd broken through his walls and theyâd be permanently down for her, only to realize it wasnât the case. He was distant for a few days and she tried to get through again only for him to completely shut her out; she hasnât heard from him in weeks.Â
Itâs probably why you agree. People who keep their distance and disengage whenever they want are hard to love. Youâd know because youâre like that. It hits you hard knowing that Jungkook is probably the same.Â
Snapping out of your thoughts, you and Do-hyun watch Jungkook and Yohan outride one another, splashing each other with water and screaming in excitement when they speed up. Seeing this other side of Jungkook does something to you again, and the sight of his smile as he dries his hair while teasing Yohan triggers the butterflies in your belly.Â
He approaches you - thankfully with his shirt on this time - and you suddenly feel too hot. He tells you that the waterâs nice and you should get in, but youâre too self-conscious now, so you compromise and say youâll just dip your feet in the water while you sit on the steps that lead down to the lake.Â
Thatâs how you spend the rest of the hour, as Chin-sun, Manager Lee, and Do-hyun join Yohan in swimming while Jungkook stays back, watching you all from afar. You glance at him a few times and he catches your eyes. He lifts his can in cheers and you do the same. He heads to where you are some time after with five cans of beer then walks back to his room, and you suddenly miss his presence. You wish he was next to you, perhaps laughing or talking about something random or just sitting with you in silence. Youâve learned that last bit brings you a lot of comfort and peace; the view somehow isnât as beautiful when you arenât sharing it with him.Â
Itâs an hour later, after having dried and fixed up, when youâre all on the basketball court to start the next activity that Mr. Ri prepared. Divided into teams of two, each pair is assigned a path that leads to either the mountain, the woods, or the stream to find bags of coins needed to âpurchaseâ materials to create a science experiment-type water rocket. Itâs meant to practice your communication and problem-solving skills with those you work most closely with, which is why Chin-sun and Do-hyun, and Manager Lee and Yohan are paired up respectively while you, of course, end up with Jungkook.Â
âThe caretakers and I spent all morning preparing this game, so please take it seriously,â Mr Ri says. âAnd bond with each other while youâre at it.â
You see the competitiveness in the young onesâ eyes, especially when itâs announced that thereâs a prize for the winners, and you like the energy. Being Jungkookâs partner, you know itâs just about completing the task and somehow, itâs the bonding bit that makes you nervous. You already know youâre going to like it, which is precisely why it terrifies you.Â
âThere are ATVs for each team which you will ride to the start of the path. Youâll have to go by foot when you get there or else youâll miss the bags of coins,â Mr. Ri instructs. âYou have walkie-talkies to reach me in case you get lost but please donât. And try to be back here in an hour. All clear?â
You all express your acknowledgement and he signals the start. The other teams rush to their rides and quickly drive off while you and Jungkook stroll to yours.Â
He takes the helmet and puts it on you, and he laughs again like he did at the Arts Center months ago before riding the vehicle.Â
âI shouldâve expected that,â you pout.Â
âWhich?â
âThat youâll laugh at me again.â
âIt looks cute on you,â he says casually before riding the vehicle.
Your eyes widen at his words and youâre glad he has his back turned on you. That way he canât see the way youâre trying to hold your smile and suppress the giddy feeling at his remark. It makes it that much harder for you to climb up behind him though, but you manage, and you ensure thereâs some distance between you and him, knowing how you tend to be when you get close.Â
Jungkook, on the other hand, internally smacks himself after he says the words. He didnât mean for the thoughts in his head to actually come out. Heâs glad he didnât see your probably awkward expression, and that right now, he needs to focus on the road. That way, he can preoccupy himself with your safety and not his embarrassment.Â
He means it though. Thereâs something about you in a helmet that gets him, or even in anything oversized, like his jacket that he made you wear once. Thereâs also something about you wading in the water and laughing so freely that make his insides melt. Anything you do actually triggers something in him - a protective side, a care-free side; a side that wants to take a pause and bask in the scenery that includes you.Â
Now he has to act like heâs not affected with you sitting behind him as he drives the ATV down the rugged path. He feels you far from him, sitting close to the edge and holding onto the handles behind you. But as the road gets rockier, he starts to get worried.Â
âYou should hold onto me,â he says, turning his head to the side so you could hear him before slowing down. âItâs safer that way.â
It takes a few seconds but he feels you move closer to him, your arms slowly wrapping around his torso. Itâs a bit loose but itâs enough for his breathing to quicken.
âIs⌠is this okay?â You softly ask.
âYeah,â he manages to say. âItâs a bit rocky out here so be careful. You can, uh, you can hold on tighter if you feel unstable.â
You hum in response but you maintain your position. He supposes you donât know how bumpy it could be. It makes him worry and he wishes youâd grab onto him more only because heâs afraid youâd fall, and thatâs exactly what happens after the first big bump.Â
You yelp, tightening your grip around him immediately. He feels his heart stop, unprepared to have your arms around his waist and your chest flushed against his back even if thatâs what heâd suggested you do. Heâs felt you close in several instances already, but each time feels different. It affects him the same way though - all he wants is to have you even closer.
But thatâs not something he can think of right now, especially when youâre both alone, in a place thatâs conducive to letting his inhibitions go.Â
Itâs calm and peaceful out here. Thereâs a lot of open space but he enjoys it more when heâs looking at it from the comforts of the balcony or the deck. He always prefers to stay indoors because the outdoors somehow make him feel more constricted; he supposes that being trapped in the woods as a child would do that to anyone. Heâs always just been a spectator, watching everything from behind the safety of his walls, knowing that he could feel a bit unsteady out there.
But ever since you got here and heâd seen you enjoy the surroundings, all heâs felt was the stability of having you near him. That, ironically, scares him, too. The more heâs comfortable with you, the more worried he becomes. So he settles on what he knows how to do - keeping you at a fair distance but creating moments here and there, only so you donât think heâs pushing you away or detaching himself.Â
You decide to just hold onto Jungkook for safety purposes. You didnât realize that the path towards the stream is this rocky, but you suppose it should be since youâre in the undeveloped part of the property. It's probably why he asked you to hold onto him; heâs your safety precaution and you know enough that he wouldnât want anything bad to happen to you.
Heâs steady and skilled in navigating the ATV, avoiding the big bumps and alerting you when thereâs going to be one. Itâs actually quite attractive. He feels so nice like this, with his soft hoodie and natural scent, and you have to pull away every once in a while so as not to get too comfortable. You canât let yourself imagine this to be a possibility beyond today, you remind yourself. He canât be someone you constantly seek, that you could fall into, even if thatâs pretty much where youâre at at this point.Â
You reach the end of the road and Jungkook lets you get down first, instructing you to hold his arm for support, before following right after. You walk towards the mark that signifies the start of the path where youâre supposed to find the bags of coins, and you look around to see that there are more shrubs than trees. It feels a little less constricting compared to if you were in the mountains or the woods, which is why you think Mr. Ri assigned this to both of you.
You and Jungkook start searching, and with the topography of the place, itâs easy to spot the bags that are hanging from the tree branches. You point one out and Jungkook steps on the hollowed out trunk to retrieve it. You stand by watching, reminding him to be careful. And though you tell yourself to focus on the bag, you canât help but glance at the sight of him - in his light gray sweatpants and hooded sweatshirt, looking casual and comfortable and even more attractive.Â
It doesnât help when he reaches out towards the branch while you stay on a spot below him, and the view of him from this angle leaves you quite breathless. Not only does his hoodie rise up to reveal his waist and that lower half of his torso that youâd held onto earlier, but you also get a peek of the band of his underwear, too. Your mind short-circuits for the briefest moment, even more when he stretches even more to pull the bag towards him, and youâre able to snap out of it in time, as you watch him slowly make his way down.
âWatch your step, watch your step!â You call out.
He easily descends, and with his smug face, he lifts the bag for you to see.Â
âDo you not have faith in my tree-climbing capabilities?â he asks you.  Â
âItâs just not something Iâve seen you do before,â you shrug, acting nonchalantly as you return to walking down the path.
âSo, were you worried?â
âUhm, yes? I canât have an injured Vice President on my watch,â you exclaim, earning you a laugh. âHow am I gonna transport you out of this dirt road and back to the house? I can barely keep still as a passenger on the ATV.â
âWell, I could get hurt but I definitely wonât be immobile,â he points out. âI wonât be a hard person to help.â
âRight⌠Iâm the one who gets injured and then canât walk.â
He frowns at you at the reminder, and you counter that itâs okay for you to make fun of your injury but that heâs right, he probably wonât be as injured as you. You wave him off, hoping that you donât have to deal with an incapacitated version of him during this game. You also wonât be able to handle worrying about him without giving too much away.Â
You return your focus on finding the other bags. There are those hidden behind rocks and in shallow holes; you know because of the shovel next to them. Thereâs another one tied around the trunk of the tree, and you have to hold your breath again when Jungkook climbs up to get it.
As expected, you have good teamwork. You section off areas to search at and quickly find what youâre looking for. You go for the ones you can get and then ask him to reach for the ones you canât. Thereâs some bickering in between, with him pretending that heâs stuck or caught on something while you panic and then pout at him for scaring you. But there are some moments of silence, too, where you walk side by side and bask in the scent of your surroundings. Either way, itâs time that you enjoy just being around him, taking in the environment that you often stayed away from. With him, itâs a lot less scary and definitely more freeing.
When youâre down to your last one, you and Jungkook think that Mr. Ri would hide it somewhere near the end of the path, so you both decide to just take in your surroundings as you stroll towards the stream. Â
âSo, nature smells like this, huh?â you hum. âItâs quite comforting.â
âIt is,â he says. âI forget sometimes. Itâs nice to remember.â
âDonât you spend a lot of time outdoors?â You wonder. âYouâve mentioned driving out to some of your properties with views like this. Iâd assume you stay out and enjoy the scenery.â
âI do enjoy the scenery⌠just from inside,â he chuckles, knowing the irony of his words. âItâs just more comfortable that way, I guess. So I appreciate being forced to go outside this weekend.â
âAt least youâre not alone, right?â
âThatâs true.â
âIâm the same,â you say. âI donât go out much. I mean, Iâm often on my own so I just stay indoors but I do enjoy the scenery when Iâm with others. It feels too lonely when youâre by yourself. To be something so small in a world so big⌠It's kind of scary.â
âWell, Iâm here with you. Thereâs nothing to be afraid of.â
You donât think Jungkook will ever know the weight of his words and just how wrong he is. To be in a place so beautiful with him next to you⌠itâs everything youâre scared of. Youâve come to appreciate a lot of things because of him. Youâve come to want more when you shouldnât because of him. You always find yourself in a state of push-and-pull with your emotions when it comes to him, knowing that heâs someone you canât have. Heâll always be out of reach no matter how close he is. Heâll always hinder you from the kind of life you want to have even if that includes him.Â
The logical part of you wants to keep your distance, to not create any more memories that will haunt you and that youâll miss. But the stubborn part of you wants you to hold onto this to remind you that beautiful things are tangible and heâs the one thing you can see and hear; maybe heâs something you can touch, too.Â
The latter one wins, so you slow your pace, take in the sight before you, and decide that this is a memory youâll want to keep. You take the disposable camera from your pouch, something you bought the other week specifically for this trip, knowing it might be your last. You take a photo of the sky, then of the path ahead of you, then of the stream, making sure thereâs a bit of him in there - a mop of hair, a portion of his arm, his shadow.Â
Itâs then that you see the last bright red bag on one of the big rocks near the waterâs edge.Â
âOh, there it is,â you say, immediately walking towards it.Â
You look around and strategize how youâll get to the rock safely but Jungkook insists that heâll be the one to get it.
âYouâve gotten all the tricky ones,â you argue, given that heâd climbed the tree and crawled under the shrub because your leggings were too thin and wouldnât be able to protect you from the thorny branches. âI can get this.â
âIt might be slippery.â
âI have good balance,â you lie.
âUh, I clearly remember that you donât.â
âHey,â you pout at him, knowing heâs referring to that time you tripped on yourself during one of your Arts Center visits. âIt was the heels. Thatâs clearly not a problem this time.â
You step on the wet stones and balance your way as they lead towards the big rock, with Jungkook repeatedly telling you to be careful. His voice just gets louder and louder, but you turn around and see that heâs actually just following you. Itâs your mistake, as your loss of focus causes you to slip on one of the rocks and almost lose your balance. Fortunately, it doesnât make you fall on your ass. Your foot merely slides to the side, barely missing the water, which is really fine, but Jungkook doesnât think so.
âDonât move until youâre stable,â he instructs, holding out his hand for you to take, prompting you to look at him questioningly. âThatâs the foot you injured. You canât risk spraining it again. Just take my hand or hold my wrist so you can safely get the bag.â
You do as he says, grabbing his forearm so you can stabilize yourself. You let him go once you do, then you turn and take a few small steps to get what you need. He stays close to you though, and once you retrieve the bag, you turn towards him with a proud smile and announce that half of your task has been completed.Â
âYouâre incredibly stubborn, you know that?â He says instead, his firm voice a contrast to his playful frown.
âAnd you are quite the nagger,â you hit back. âI wouldnât have slipped if I hadnât turned and I wouldnât have done that if you werenât so noisy.â
âSure, itâs my fault. Sorry for caring about your safety,â he shakes his head.Â
âWell, you were underestimating me,â you frown now. âI couldâve done all this without your help.â
âReally?â He challenges.
âYes,â you stand your ground. âAlthough I would still need your help to get back to land.â
Itâs what makes him laugh, and the way his eyes light up and crinkle makes your heart race. He has such a sweet sound, and you wish you could hear more of it.Â
âI figured. Letâs go, then.â
âWait,â you stop him and check your watch. âWe still have time. Can we stay for a bit? The waterâs quite nice and the view of the mountains is prettier from here.â
Jungkook looks around. The mountain range from far away looks majestic from this angle, and with the sun about to set soon, the way the light shines on the water is just as beautiful.Â
âOkay then,â he says, wanting to savor this as well.Â
You just said you donât go out much, and maybe like what he feels, being with him makes you want to take it all in; maybe it makes you feel less scared.
You both find dry rocks to sit at and itâs the perfect spot for you to take more photos, so you take out your camera and see which angles look best.
âDid you buy that for this trip?â he asks.
âYeah. I knew the sights would be beautiful. I just wanted to keep something from here,â you explain.
âGive it to me then,â he says, reaching out his hand and gesturing towards your camera. âLet me take one of you so youâll always remember.â
You hand it over to him then suddenly feel awkward at how youâre supposed to pose. You stay seated with your legs just slightly bent but are unsure of where youâre supposed to look. It feels a little too tense if you look at his direction, even if thatâs what you should be doing.
âItâs free to smile, you know? Thatâs what people usually do for photos,â he says, causing you to giggle. He takes the photo right then, and you have an idea he caught your smile at the right time.
âWas that a trick?â You ask.
âSort of. I knew you were gonna think of how bold it was of me to say that, considering that I barely even smile.â
âWow, I canât even tease you anymore because you already know what Iâm gonna say.â
âI know sometimes you canât help but just tease me like that. I know you too well,â he smugly says. âBut I think I got a good photo. Youâre welcome.â
You laugh at his playfulness, knowing itâs rare for him to show that side of him. So you ask for your camera back and decide you want him to be part of this particular memory. You hold it out and turn towards him.
âMay I?â You ask.
âUh, yeah, I guess,â he hums. âI just donât know how to smile.â
You giggle again and youâre quick enough to catch the brief moment when he lets out a short laugh.Â
You look at him softly, as if thereâs more you want to say - that youâll keep this close to you so youâll remember what his smile looks like, that heâs something beautiful you can hear and see, that you feel so safe out here with him, and that you hope heâll remember this, too.
But you look away before any of the words make it out.Â
You think to just quietly savor this, as you bask in the sounds of the cicadas and the flow of the water and the rustling of the leaves. Youâre so small in this big world, but being with Jungkook makes things a little less scary. With him, you donât feel so alone.
A bit more time passes before you both decide to head back. He reaches out his hand which you mindlessly take, your fingers instinctively wrapping around his palm. Youâre too focused on your steps that you only realize youâre still holding him once you both safely make it to dry land. But itâs also at that moment when he lets go. Though a part of you wishes heâd drag the illusion a bit more, youâre also glad he didnât; you wouldâve probably held on longer if he didnât pull away.Â
The silence continues as you both walk back to the start of the path, but he stays near you, occasionally asking if youâre tired or cold. You make it to the ATV and you hold onto his waist again with no instructions needed this time. He drives a bit faster than earlier but you feel safe and steady, and thereâs something natural about the way youâre clinging to him for support. Part of the illusion as well, you think, but that ends, too.
Youâre the last one back to the villas but you and Jungkook quickly make up some ground in assembling the water rocket. It was mostly him, though, as he says that he tinkers around and easily figures these things out. Do-hyun and Chin-sun feel the pressure as you catch up, and they shriek as they slowly feel the win slipping away from them. But then Jungkook holds onto the last piece and lets them win instead. The way they celebrate after their rocket successfully launches makes it feel worth it; you donât feel bad about it at all. If anything, you expected heâd let either of the other two teams finish first.Â
After the winners are handed out hotel accommodation gift cards, Jungkook excuses himself to get a bit of work done while the rest of the team prepares for dinner. The team works on your assigned tasks of preparing the grill and slicing the vegetables, while you cook your famed fried rice after Do-hyun convinced you that it would heal her broken heart. Seated outside with the cool evening air, you all wait for Jungkook before starting.
âMr. Jeon said heâll just message me once heâs ready to eat,â Mr. Ri says as he takes his seat. âWe can start without him.â
âBut itâs not a team dinner without him,â Do-hyun whines. âHe should take a break from working and spend time with us.â
âIâm sure he wants that, too,â you say. âLetâs just give him some time, maybe thereâs something urgent he needs to do. Letâs just enjoy our meal and leave some food for him.â
Everyone dives in once the meat is cooked, and thereâs a consensus that your fried rice is definitely worth all the hype. The laughter and teasing immediately start, and you wish Jungkook was here to enjoy it with you. You constantly glance at his villa, noting the dim lights, and you wonder what has him holed up inside this time, knowing he didnât plan on working too much while heâs here.Â
Itâs one hour later when you decide that heâs gone too long without having dinner, so you take portions of everything and set them on a tray.Â
âWait, let me make him a drink. Hopefully thatâll convince him to come out,â Yohan says.Â
Managing to carry everything, you head towards Jungkookâs villa, and when he opens the door after your constant bell-ringing, he looks at you in surprise.Â
âThe teamâs been wondering when you were coming out,â you say. âYou might be in there because of work, but Iâm not fully convinced. Whatever it is, the foodâs too delicious for you to not have a taste, so I brought you some.âÂ
You raise the tray that you placed on the small table outside and flash him a smile. He nods in acknowledgement and takes it from you but you donât leave just yet.Â
âI hope youâre not working anymore,â you say.Â
âI only did for a while,â he replies. âI⌠got a bit tired.â
âIâve seen you workout in the morning and work all day after only having three hours of sleep, Jungkook. You wouldnât get tired from just a jet ski ride and some scavenger hunt,â you raise an eyebrow.Â
He lets out a dry laugh before heading to the dining room. He leaves the door open so you follow him inside.
âI mean Iâm socially tired. Isnât that a thing?âÂ
âGee, I didnât think that spending time with me outdoors drained your energy so much,â you frown.Â
Your playful pout tells him youâre teasing. He sure hopes itâs not what you really feel. Itâs the opposite, in fact. He felt relieved of a lot of things during that hour that he walked around and breathed in the fresh air with you. And you both had moments - comforting glances, the shared silence⌠the fleeting touches that made him want more. Youâre everything new and familiar and he wants to know how itâs like to have you close to him.Â
He knows itâs a desire he canât act on, not just because heâs your superior but also because he canât imagine you feeling a fraction of what he feels. Itâs tempting to mistake your kindness for something more, and heâd fall into it if only hoping didnât lead to disappointment. But like what Yoongi had said before, itâs how you naturally are, even as someone who prefers to be alone. Whatever type of friendship you offer is all that it is - friendship.Â
Jungkook clearly doesnât deserve you. Itâs not just because of the way he treated you at the beginning but because even until now, whenever he pulls away, youâre always the first one who reaches out. Heâs scared that anything he does might push you away, and thatâs the last thing he wants. Heâll keep you at a distance for as much as he can and for as long as youâre around. He can handle that, but losing you in any way has become his biggest fear.Â
Thatâs why he needed to be on his own after your time together in such a casual and comfortable environment. Itâs easy to want that with you and to think that he can have it. Pulling away has always been his default when dealing with things he canât control, and earlier, he just couldnât control his mind and his heart.Â
But youâre here now, having knocked on his door like you always do, wondering if heâll come out.
âI brought you dinner but I purposely gave you small servings so youâll want more and leave your villa,â you explain.Â
âHalf a cup of your fried rice?â He scowls. âThatâs a crime.â
âI know. And youâll run out if you donât go outside,â you warn. âAre you planning on just staying here? Do-hyunâs right. Itâs not a team dinner without you there.â
âI⌠I was planning to go out a bit later. Itâs a different setting and Iâm a little anxious,â he admits.
He looks away and you feel for him. You were the same in the beginning, too. Itâs one thing to share meals with people in a work environment but itâs another when itâs more casual, where people are less filtered and guarded. But you had to try, and after spending time getting to know your colleagues, things got easier.
The team has adjusted to Jungkook but you suppose Jungkook hasnât fully adjusted to them. Perhaps he was planning on sneaking in much later in the evening or using work as an excuse. But this is part of his function, and like you promised him early on, you want to help him with this aspect of his role.
âIâll help you loosen up a bit,â you suggest. âI can have dinner with you here first and then we can go out once youâre ready.â
âSounds good,â he agrees, even if heâd decided earlier that heâd keep his distance. âYou can get your food outside. Iâm not sharing mine.â
You laugh at how seriously he says the words.
âI know,â you say. âAnd by the way, Yohan made you that drink.â
âHowâd he know I like highball?â
âA little birdie told him,â you shrug, feigning innocence.Â
You smile before walking out, with Jungkook reminding you to set aside some fried rice for him.
You take your plate and reason to the team that you and Jungkook will just discuss some work stuff and they buy it, saying they won't get drunk until youâre both back outside.
You return to the villa with your dish and a bottle of beer, immediately realizing that itâs new territory for you and Jungkook, too. Sure, youâve spent some time together out of work, but not in a place and situation like this.Â
But you want to be there for him. You like that he looks to you for energy and support. On days when heâs distant, you want moments like right now to remind you of the times he needed you, that he wanted you around, even if itâs for a different reason.
It takes half an hour for Jungkook to ease his nerves. In that time, you talk about random things, like his favorite hawker centers in Singapore and the variety shows you watch on which days. You both tease each other, then compete on who gets less affected. You tell him itâs good preparation for when the team, in their drunken states, does the same. You assure him, though, that they wonât go below the belt but he also assures you that heâs a big boy and can handle it.Â
When he says he wants more fried rice, it becomes your cue to head outside. Youâre thankful that other than Mr. Ri subtly smirking at you, no one else reacts uncomfortably. You and Jungkook just came from his villa alone, after all, but you suppose everyoneâs too tired or too careful to say anything.Â
âI hope no oneâs eaten my share of the fried rice,â Jungkook says as he sits across from you. âI was really looking forward to it.â
âHere, all yours, Mr. Jeon,â Yohan says as he hands him a bowl. âIf it isnât enough, just know that Do-hyun took one last scoop before we set this aside.â
âTraitor,â Do-hyun scowls at the younger man. âI couldnât help it. Itâs so good, right?â She turns to Jungkook now. â___ gatekeeps this! She says sheâs too busy to make it and I only got her to do it now because Iâm heartbroken.â
Jungkook smiles internally. Youâve made this for him a few times and itâs heartwarming to think that you had your reasons for doing so, knowing now that itâs not something you easily share.Â
âItâs way better than the one I make,â Jungkook says, glancing at you. âI can have this everyday.â
âYou cook?!â Do-hyun basically yells.Â
âUh, yeah. I lived on my own for years. How do you think I survived?â Jungkook asks.
âPaying people to do things for you,â Do-hyun shrugs.Â
Itâs a line heâs heard you say before and neither of you are wrong. Itâs normal to make that assumption and itâs also true. He had people to do pretty much everything for him when he was in Singapore. He has that option here in Seoul, too, but heâs found himself wanting less people in his space for long periods of time. Youâre really the only one he doesnât mind being around him.
The conversation shifts to what happened in the afternoon, and you all end up talking about each teamâs scavenger hunt experience and the anticipation for the next dayâs obstacle course and relay games. A few more shots and bottles of beer later, the vibe turns more serious, as Manager Leeâs question to Do-hyun about how sheâs feeling turns into an emotional session where she asks what sheâs supposed to do about the man she was seeing, wondering if itâs worth reaching out or just moving on from him.
Chin-sun shares a piece of her mind and so does Yohan. Manager Lee says that sometimes, people donât know what they want and isolate themselves in response. The pieces of advice are a mix of being patient and forgetting about the man, and you choose to observe rather than give an opinion. Itâs always easy to say something but things could be totally different once youâre the one experiencing it. You think Jungkook feels the same, as he stays quiet but listens earnestly.
âWhat do you think, Mr. Ri?â Do-hyun asks. âYouâre the oldest one here and would probably have a lot to say.â
âI wish I did but I wouldnât say Iâve made the best decisions when it comes to my love life,â Mr. Ri laughs. âI mean, Iâve only ever loved one woman but I let her go. And that was over 20 years ago; I havenât loved anyone that way since. I donât think I ever really stopped.â
You watch everyoneâs faces turn from shocked to somber. Mr. Ri, having been CEO Jeonâs right-hand man for a long time, has a stable and commanding presence. Everyone knows him to be loyal and firm, yet thereâs a warmth about him with how protective and dependable he is. They all know about his commitment to his job, but his faithfulness to one person is perhaps surprising; he was never one to show much emotion, after all. But then again, people make sacrifices in the name of love - sometimes they give everything up for it, sometimes itâs what they let go of.
âTwenty years is a long time,â Do-hyun sighs. âAnd you never stopped. Where does all that love go?â
âI have people I care about,â Mr. Ri answers. âIt goes to them. Obviously itâs different but I learned that if I keep all that love to myself, it hurts even more. Thatâs how I learned to live with the decision I made. Itâs how I learned to let her go.â
âThatâs so sad,â Do-hyun sniffles. âHere I am, heartbroken about a guy I was dating for only a few months while youâve been harboring these feelings for decades.â
âItâs not about the length of time you were together or apart,â Mr. Ri shakes his head. âWhen you give a part of yourself to someone, losing them always hurts. That part of you is gone because they took it with them and you canât take it back. So your pain is valid. We all love and grieve and move forward differently,â he says. âItâs all terrifying but thatâs the irony of life, Iâve learned. The thing we all want and canât live without is the same thing that hurts us the most, whether we have it or not.â
Thereâs a beat of silence as everyone takes in the elder manâs words. They cut deep, as you know they come from a place of deep pain. You donât want to ever go through something that hurts that much.Â
âIâm too emotional,â Do-hyun sighs, not wanting to spend the rest of the evening crying and having everyone feel bad for her, so she shifts her attention to something else. âI want something juicy.â She briefly looks at Jungkook, who looks blankly at her, so she turns to you instead. âI donât know much about your love life, ___.â
âYes, because I donât have one,â you chuckle, masking the nervousness you feel because talking about its inexistence in front of the man plaguing your mind was not something you planned for this trip.Â
âBut I know you did,â she insists. âI mean, why wouldnât you?â
âI think what Do-hyun means is that youâre a highly capable, kind, and attractive woman,â Chin-sun chimes in. âSurely there have been prospects for a relationship, yes?â
âLike Mr. Min!â Yohan says now. âI always thought you two were cute together. Do-hyun and I would bet on it since she says youâre not the type to date co-workers.â
âAnd sheâs right,â you say, glancing at Jungkook whose face you canât read. âYoongi and I are good friends. Thatâs all we ever were.â
âWell, I think heâs very nice and heâd treat you well,â Yohan sighs. âBut I guess it might be weird to date someone you work with. I have friends I can match you with!â
âThatâs not necessary,â you laugh. âI donât think relationships are for everyone.â
âWhy not?â Do-hyun asks.
You contemplate on whether or not youâre ready for this conversation, especially since itâs the type you usually just have with your best friends. You suppose itâs why your colleagues claim they donât know much about you other than the way you work because you donât really share much about your life, your dreams, or the things you wonder about. Youâve always preferred to keep things to yourself, always worried about how they will be received.
But everyoneâs allowed themselves to be vulnerable tonight, and given the distance youâve created between you and them all these years, you think the least you could do is be honest. Itâs a team building thing anyway, and people bond over shared experiences during these times.
âIâve⌠dated people but it was never serious,â you start. âI never really saw myself committing to them. Sure, Iâd give my time and energy but nothing more. Thereâs so much courage in loving another person. I just donât think Iâll ever be brave enough for that. I mean, itâs just hard to control. Once you start, you canât stop; once you do it too much, you canât pull back.â
âSounds to me like youâre afraid that you wonât receive as much as you give,â Manager Lee states. âItâs how love is, though. Itâs not always equal. But thatâs the risk you take, thatâs the trust you build. That even when whatâs given isnât the same, thereâs still love there.â
âBut isnât that the scary part of it all?â You counter. âLike what Mr. Ri said, you give a part of yourself to someone when you love them but what if they donât want that specific part of you? Or they did then one day they decide they donât anymore? So they just retreat and leave you out in the open. Theyâre safe but youâre not, because you broke down your walls for them but they didnât do the same.â
âThatâs the thing about finding the right person, ___,â Manager Lee says, with all the wisdom of a man whoâs loved and lost and loved again. âYou either trust that they wonât do that, or you accept that they could and youâd still think that loving them is worth all the pain that losing them would cost. In the end, you get to decide. If you keep yourself from feeling it, how are you to know whatâs worth it and what isnât?â
Youâve heard versions of these words before, too. Soomin and Jimin, whose respective relationship ups and downs youâve witnessed, have said themselves that committing yourself to someone takes a whole lot of faith in the person and in yourself. Itâs because youâre giving them an opportunity to hurt you but you have to trust that they wonât. A lot of times, they do, so you then have to trust in your own ability to get over them.Â
The thoughts swim in your head and with your silence, Chin-sun gives you an encouraging smile. Sheâs a few years older than you and has experienced a lot when it comes to relationships, and you can sense that she understands your hesitation and your fear.
âItâs scary but when you find someone who makes you feel brave, that can make all the difference,â she says.Â
Admitting all this makes you feel exposed, especially when your eyes flit to Jungkook and you find him gazing at you, as if heâs trying to figure you out. Youâre worried that any other move you make or things you say will lead him to uncovering your feelings that you acknowledge is beyond just physical attraction at this point.Â
You find yourself worrying about him constantly, wondering what heâs doing or if heâs getting proper rest. Youâre always thinking about his smile and the sound of his laugh, and you imagine how much sweeter and softer they could get. You want him to be happy, to find his peace, to have something to look forward to. And you want to know what his touch feels and how itâs like to have him close.Â
You know all this is wrong because of who you are and who he is in this world, especially as you realize that youâve never felt anything quite like this before. The fear makes itself even more known as it is embodied in the man across from you - so palpable and overwhelming that you canât help but want more, and the more his eyes bore into you, the closer you are to giving in.Â
How are you to know whatâs worth it and what isnât if you donât let yourself feel all of it? And if Jungkook makes you feel brave, then what if heâs the person youâre willing to break down your walls for?
You shake your head, knowing you canât fall into the trap of your own mind. You need to be logical about this, but you also think that youâve been that way all your life and it hasnât brought you much happiness. At this point, you question what that looks like.Â
Maybe it looks like him. Maybe itâs also life without him.Â
How do people make decisions like this? You wonder. How do they know how much pain they can bear? And when does it become worth it?
âWise words,â you manage to say after a tense silence. âYou make it sound simple.â
âSometimes it is, sometimes it isnât,â Chin-sun says. âHuman beings are complicated, ___, so are our emotions. Love makes people stupid. But it also makes us brave and happy and complete. And when itâs shared with the right person, god it feels so good.â
Youâre able to get her to share about her own experience and remove the spotlight away from you. Manager Lee narrates his serendipitous love story as well, and the serious tone of the conversation turns into a giddy, enjoyable one. You find yourself constantly glancing at Jungkook, liking his soft smiles and giggles as the stories are told. He briefly meets your eyes during some moments though, and thatâs when you look away.Â
The night ends when he announces that everyone should get some rest and prepare for tomorrowâs activities, so you all clean up and wish each other a good night. Your eyes linger on Jungkook as he walks back to his villa, and you turn away before he does the same, the yearning for him getting stronger as each day passes.
The sun shines beautifully over the lake as you lean on the railing overlooking the water. The clouds over the mountains look like the fog that cleared earlier, and the majestic way that the scenery is framed by the blue skies is absolutely stunning.
âItâs pretty, isnât it?â Jungkook hums from several meters next to you. âI never really bothered to appreciate this view before.â
âIt is,â you say, turning to him as he continues to gaze at the scene before you while you gaze at him. If he notices from his periphery, he doesnât say anything. âItâs breathtaking. I could take a picture but that wouldnât give this justice.â
âI can try,â he says, reaching out to ask for your phone. âIâm good at this.â
You indulge him and watch as he finds the right angle to beautifully capture the surroundings. He asks if you want him to take another photo with you in it this time, and though youâre a little shy, you let him.Â
You warm at how natural your smile looks, realizing that you were focusing on his smile while he was taking the picture. The view looks surreal but youâre in there, and itâs a reminder of where you are and who youâre with. Jungkook remarks that itâs a nice shot before turning back to the water, and while you wish you were braver and had asked to take one with him so you could hold onto this memory, you know youâll look at this photo of you and also remember what youâre feeling. Thereâs so much calm and clarity, and you know itâs not just because of the mountains.Â
The tension and fear that filled you up last night have slowly turned into a sense of relief. The distance that once bothered you about Jungkook now gives you comfort. No matter how far or unattainable he may be, you still feel his presence - his warmth is in the peacefulness of a park at night, or in the calmness of the lake, or in the safety of your neighborhood library. You never imagined that one Jeon Jungkook would ever make you feel this way, and if heâs someone who makes you be brave to feel something new, maybe you owe it to him and to yourself to be brave to pursue that, too.
Your thoughts are disrupted when Yohan yells that breakfast is ready. You all gather in the common dining room for some dumpling soup before a short planning session to give you time to digest. At 9:30, the first activity begins, with all six of you divided into two teams to finish an obstacle course.
It gets competitive when youâre teamed up with the younger ones, as Do-hyun and Yohan attempt to trash talk the others. They give it their all, especially when they see Jungkook dominating the kayaking part of the course, but the three of you manage in the end. A part of you feels that the other team just wanted to make the younger ones win only to use it against them later on, but the fun and excitement are what matter.
You enjoy some meat and stew for lunch and have another planning session before doing the afternoon games, which has Jungkook on the losing team again. He comes up with a last minute individual game that gives Manager Lee the chance to win this time, and the afternoon ends with all of you, excluding him, winning prizes you can enjoy after this.
The free time before dinner has you reading your book by the lake and then talking with Chin-sun in the hammock while the rest of the team enjoy the sunset and some beer. Youâre thankful that this time, Mr. Ri was tasked to handle all the activities instead of you, and so youâre able to focus on spending time with your colleagues.Â
You grill meat again for dinner, roast marshmallows over the campfire, and passionately sing off-key in the karaoke. But unlike last night, people decide to go to bed early, definitely tired from todayâs physical activities.Â
Youâre exhausted as well but somehow, the pull of the cold evening air is too strong, so you decide to walk to the main house and grab a bottle of beer. When you walk out to the deck, youâre surprised to find Jungkook seated on a lounge chair outside of his villa, glass in hand as he looks up at the sky.Â
Jungkook savors the crisp breeze, knowing that once he gets back to Seoul, all heâll have is the musty air and the buzzing sounds of the city. He wants to remember this weekend and the peace he felt. Maybe he shouldâve taken a photo of the view this morning like he did for you; he at least has the one of you in it that he took ingrained in his mind. You looked so calm and happy; he couldnât help the smile that formed on his face then.Â
Heâs trying to keep as much of today in his memory as he can, knowing how hectic itâs going to be when you all get back. Other than the amount of fun he didnât expect to have with the team, he enjoyed seeing a different side of you.Â
You were competitive but encouraging, probably not the most athletic but definitely capable. He could pick out your squeals and laughter and he thought they were sweet and hypnotic, and he appreciated how thoughtful you were during dinner, making sure everyone had enough to eat, especially him. You would catch his attention to ask if his meat is okay or if heâs feeling comfortable; he hated that it all ended so soon. Though he shouldnât, he wanted more time with you. Itâs different being out here than it is in the office or even in his home. Here, heâs unguarded and a lot more free, and heâs able to make more sense of how you affect him; in a way, heâs able to truly feel all that you make him feel.
Thereâs so much of you in his mind but youâre not around, so he stands up to head to bed already, hoping heâd at least see you in his dreams. But when he turns towards the door, he sees a silhouette in the main houseâs deck. And as if the universe is giving him some sign, he finds you there, standing by the post with a beer in hand. You lift the bottle in cheers and he lifts his drink in return, sipping every last drop he could.
He sees you grab another bottle from the outdoor fridge then place it on the coffee table, an invitation to join you that heâs glad you make. He wouldâve been too hesitant to make the move, unsure of your willingness to be in his presence.Â
âCanât sleep?â You ask as he nears the couch.Â
He sits next to you, the short distance a little too tempting to close.Â
âSort of,â he hums. âAnd you?â
âNot really. I donât get much of the outdoors back in my tiny apartment,â you chuckle.
âFair enough. The weatherâs been nice, fortunately. Not like the last time we were out of town, yeah?â
âYeah, fortunately,â you shyly look at him, not saying more, perhaps unsure if itâs something heâs ready to talk about.
âItâs okay,â he assures you. âIâve accepted you having witnessed my extreme moment of weakness. You were patient and understanding even when I was angry and I⌠I donât know if Iâve thanked you enough for that.â
âYou have, and I understand it all. But Jungkook, what happened at that guest house is not weakness,â you insist. âThatâs⌠dealing with a painful memory.â
âThat wasnât dealing, ___. I was suffering. That's⌠thatâs what happens when someone doesnât know how to move on from something.â
âDoes it happen a lot?â You wonder.Â
âWell, the nightmares tend to happen when the thunder is really loud,â he says. âOtherwise I just get really anxious, like when it rains, my brain just expects things to get bad.â
âWhat do you do when it does?â
âI donât know how I manage, actually,â he answers. âI usually forget and just remember that I wake up dry in my bed. I mean, Iâd be sweating but not soaked. I guess that night, I was just too nervous because the rain was so strong, we were on the road. And I was somewhere completely unfamiliar with you. I⌠I think that made it worse.â
Your silence prompts him to clarify. âI mean, I didnât want you to see me that way, thatâs why it was worse,â he states. âItâs not a side of me Iâm proud of. Which is silly thinking about it now because youâve seen a lot of sides of me that Iâm not proud of. All of them, actually.â
âSo youâre not proud of the side of you that protected me? That made sure I was safe? That rushed to find me when I was stuck in the rain?â You ask.Â
âItâs what any decent human being would do,â he dismisses. âThose just probably stand out because I wasnât exactly one in the beginning.â
âWell, you had Mr. Ri drive me. Youâd make me go home early sometimes, too.â
â___, again, thatâs what a decent boss should be doing. Itâs the bare minimum. You deserve more kindness than youâre receiving. I⌠I should have been that to you from the start.â
âWeâve moved past that, remember? Itâs all okay. I managed, I stayed. And Iâm glad I did. I got to learn so much from you,â you assure him. âAnd you deserve more kindness than youâre receiving, too.â
Jungkook hums. He wouldnât have thought that heâd be able to freely talk to you about all this - about how he was before and how heâs been recently. And like always, youâre gentle with him. He could only hope youâre as gentle as you are with yourself, something he doesnât know how to do.Â
âI⌠I hope youâve found ways to cope with all that you went through,â he says, turning away from you in shame. âI⌠Iâm still learning.â
âItâs a process, and itâs not an easy one. No one really tells you how to do it. You kind of just⌠find your way,â you share. âBut just think that the thunder doesnât last long. Itâs going to pass. So maybe when it starts raining, you can do what I did. Just cover your ears to block out the sounds. All we can do sometimes is shield ourselves from it, you know? It would scare us a little less.â
âI donât even remember how you did it,â he admits. âI felt so out of it that night.â
âBut did it help?â You ask.Â
He nods in response. âI wasnât alone. I think that was the first time in a long time.â
âWhen you are, just do what I do,â you say, turning towards him and closing the distance to cover his ears with your hands. âEdge of the palms or your fingers then press tightly. The hollowness will drown out the sounds until they stop.âÂ
Jungkookâs eyes swim in yours. He canât tell you that he doubts itâd work without you, since your comforting look and your calm voice are what made him pull through. But still, he knows that imagining youâre there would definitely help.
âEdge of the palms or your fingers then press tightly,â he repeats, almost like a whisper. âGot it.â
You smile and itâs like a spell for him, as he mindlessly puts his hands over yours and slowly brings them down. Heâs so lost in you that he only realizes heâs still holding your hands when you look down, so he immediately pulls away.
âWho taught you how to do that?â He asks, masking his embarrassment.
âMy mom,â you answer, shifting back on your seat and looking out at the horizon. âMy dad copped out before he knew I existed and she was too heartbroken to ask for him back. It took a while but she eventually found another man. I was pretty young then. He was okay, but then he lost his job and things went downhill from there.â
Jungkook sees the way your face falls and he already knows his heart is going to break for you.
âHe would drink a lot and theyâd fight all the time. Heâd yell and yell, and then yell some more,â you narrate. âMom would make me hide in the closet or under the bed just so Iâd hear less of it. Thunder used to scare me, too; it sounded like his banging on the wall when heâd scream at her but eventually, I realized the roar drowns him out so I welcomed it. But I would just cover my ears and think of happy thoughts like she said. Sometimes sheâd come to me and do it like I did with you. I always liked that better.â
âIâm sorry,â he says, wanting to take your hand back and comfort you in any way. âYou shouldnât have experienced that.â
âLife isnât fair sometimes,â you sigh, having accepted the hand you were dealt. âMy mom and I got out and she found someone who loves and respects her. And we just found ways to deal with the pain, you know? We could only bury it for so long. And so covering my ears just became a habit as I grew up. It was a way to battle all that.â
âIâve seen you do that a few times.â
âItâs like a general coping mechanism of some sort,â you explain. âSometimes the loud sounds come from inside, too. Thoughts of not being good enough, of being selfish, of not deserving of happiness⌠I mean, they come from others but they stay in my head. I have to cover my ears to stop them from overwhelming me.â
âIâm sorry,â he says again, looking away in shame when you turn to him questioningly. âYou did that several times during my first weeks. I know I⌠I said things that hurt you.â
âHey, itâs okay. It was hard for everyone and like I said, I forgive you. But I've been told worse things,â you shake your head. âYouâve heard some of them.â
âYou didnât deserve those either.â
âI know. Thatâs why I walked away. Itâs easy to do that when you donât give much of yourself to them. And I do it all the time,â you say. âI never really stay.â
âWould you stay if you found the right person?â
You remember a conversation with him months ago, about people being temporary and how theyâd only stay if they had a reason to. Itâs safe to say that finding the right person would be your reason, but that also makes it harder.Â
âI probably would,â you respond. âAnd I think that scares me, too.â
âWhy?â He asks.
âWhat if I would stay for them? But they wonât stay for me?â
Jungkook leaves your question unanswered, knowing thereâs nothing he can say that would sufficiently validate your fear nor comfort you about it. His own past relationship doesnât give him any right - Chaerin left him but he gave her all the reasons to; she walked away and he did the same. Sometimes he wonders if sheâd lost him before he lost her. He also doesnât know if he loved her so much that he let her go, or if he didnât love her enough to make her stay. Maybe it was neither. Or maybe he was just too scared - that sheâd reject him, or that he wouldnât be able to love her better if he she came back, he doesnât know. He was never brave enough to find out.
He lets the silence linger, prompting you to remark that the conversation is too sad for a night as pretty as tonight.
âWe should probably head to bed, though,â he suggests. âWe still have stuff in the morning then a long ride home. I donât have to remind you how hectic this next week is gonna be.â
âYou just did,â you frown, earning you a laugh. âBut I agree. Thank you for keeping me company tonight.â
Your shy smile makes his breath hitch. He wants this to go on for longer but he knows he might just let his guard down even more, maybe share about his other pains and frustrations and worries about life. Maybe heâll end up moving closer to you, close enough that heâd smell your classic rose scent that makes his mind feel hazy. Maybe heâll want more, and he reminds himself of all the boundaries he shouldnât cross, and that crossing them may push you away.Â
So he says goodnight and you both walk towards your respective villas, looking back one more time before heading inside.Â
Youâre all he thinks about for the rest of the night. His gaze follows you all through the next morning, too. He misses your presence when he leaves for Seoul in his own car, and heâs back to being a giddy mess when you message him, saying you hope he got home safely.Â
It almost feels like the weekend was a dream and when Monday comes, he has to remind himself that heâs back to reality and that includes how he should be when it comes to you. Those days remain in his memory, but when you enter his apartment that morning with the softest smile, and when you meet his eyes as you fix his necktie, he knows it wasnât a dream. And that somehow, just like him, you wish it didnât have to end.
Itâs been over a week since the team building and you havenât really moved on from all that happened during those three days. There was the joy of being with your colleagues and the companionship you felt thankful to have. There was also the tranquility of the lake and the refreshing environment that rejuvenated you, making you wish you were back there, especially as you sort through the printed photos from your disposable camera and see the pretty views that you already miss.Â
Thereâs that photo you took of Jungkook by the stream that youâve been staring at, another reason why you want to go back to that time. His eyes are warm and his smile is soft and subtle, unforced and just as captivating. Itâs quite calming, and itâs the image that you hold onto later that Thursday evening when youâre piled under loads of paperwork. Itâs past 6PM but you canât afford to leave yet, and the only good thing about it is that heâs still around, and you get to sneak in some glances through the window.
Youâve become that person, smitten by her attractive boss and definitely stupid enough to be overwhelmed by her emotions. You havenât stopped thinking about him. Everyday that you enter his space, the desire to know him more gets stronger; with every common place you step into, you keep wishing heâd ask you to stay close, that heâd invite you to somewhere reserved for those he lets in. Every time your fingers brush, youâre reminded of the way his hands felt on top of yours and how you wanted him to keep them there, and every look you share makes you hope that youâre not the only one in this mess of emotions. And that if youâll give in, so would he.
Youâre not quite sure what he feels, but if his shy smiles and the way he intensely looks at you before looking away mean anything, then you could at least say that thereâs definitely something there. You just donât know if he would acknowledge it or if like you, itâs gotten too strong that youâre unable to think clearly or act rationally.
Finally done with the last item on your task list for today, you start to pack up. Itâs at the same time that Jungkook exits from his room to return a portfolio he took earlier and place it on your desk. Youâre about to pick it up but he says you should just leave it there and fix it tomorrow.
But you disregard him. You retrieve the stool and attempt to return the portfolio on the top shelf. Itâs a little heavy but you manage; you even start fixing the others that moved because Jungkookâs been getting them these past days. Youâre about to step down when you hear his heavy sigh.
âI told you to do that tomorrow,â he groans, walking towards you.Â
With your back turned, you reply, âI like starting my days with a tidy desk, okay?â
âItâs just one portfolio,â he points out.
âIt still takes up so much space. It makes my table look messy.â
âYou still couldâve waited. Or you couldâve asked me to help,â he insists, continuing to reprimand you as you try to step down the stool.Â
Heâs a little close, blocking your view of the floor, and thatâs why you miss a step and trip again, your squeal echoing throughout the empty floor. You think your heart racing is about to join in on the sounds, too, as it quickens when you realize that Jungkook has caught you by your waist, his tight grip on you sending shivers down your spine.Â
Heâs gotten even closer, as you look up and find his scrunched eyebrows and worried eyes staring back at you. The tension starts to rise but you manage to tell him that youâre fine after he asks if youâre hurt.Â
âIâm sure,â you tell him. âYou caught my fall. Again.â
You giggle and thatâs what makes him let out a laugh as well. Your left hand holds onto the shelf but his hands remain on you. Heâs still a breath away but you suddenly donât mind, as your right hand mindlessly makes its way to rest on his arm. At this moment, this feels right. Youâre all alone in your little bubble with him where youâre all he sees and heâs all you can breathe in.Â
His bergamot scent wafts through your nose. You can count his eyelashes and see the scar on his cheek that you never noticed. Heâs even more breathtaking up close, and as if all reason evaporates from your body, you donât pull away. You want him just like this.
On second thought, you want him even closer.
âYouâre a clumsy woman, arenât you?â He says, his voice low and deep. âThis isnât the first time that Iâm breaking your fall.â
âWell, if you would just be quiet while Iâm attempting to go down, then that wouldnât be a problem,â you breathily giggle, inching the tiniest bit forward.Â
âWell, if you just listened to me the first time, then you wouldn't have to climb up there,â he responds, earning him a playful roll of your eyes. âYouâre a stubborn one, too.â
âSo Iâve heard,â you match his teasing. âCan't help it sometimes.â
âSo you acknowledge it?â He raises an eyebrow in intrigue.Â
âYeah, I guess,â you say much more nervously now, meeting his eyes. Itâs like youâre hypnotized again, caught in some spell where being in his presence makes you honest and uninhibited. âI mean, I feel things I shouldnât feel and want people I shouldnât want,â you add. âDoesnât that make me stubborn?â
âWhatâs stopping you from feeling them? From having them?â He asks, his voice remaining low and his eyes, even more piercing and desperate now as they stare back at you.
His thumbs lightly caress your waist and his touch electrifies you through the thin material of your blouse. Thereâs so much to say and itâs way more complicated, just as your feelings for him are. You canât help but eye his lips, soft and pink, and the desire to know what they taste like intensifies, prompting you to nibble your own. Â
âWhatâs stopping me?â You pant now, your gaze flitting from his eyes back to his lips, with him doing the same. âThe ways of the world. And some⌠boundary that pulls me back, a line that I donât know heâs ready to cross for me.â
The words actualize your fears the moment you say them. You know all the reasons why wanting him is wrong. But thereâs a small part of you that wants to give in, and itâs terrified that he wouldnât, that heâd dismiss what you feel and pull away. The way heâs been with you and the way heâs holding you right now spark that sliver of hope you have that he feels the same way, but itâs also the same moment that he lets you go, perhaps realizing that heâs not willing to take the risk the way you are.Â
He releases you from his hold and steps back, creating distance, and you suddenly feel bare - exposed and unguarded without his touch. He looks at you in panic, in apology, in fear, as if heâd had some sense knocked into him, as if he awakened from some spell that pushed him close to you, only to realize that thatâs a place he canât go.Â
âIââ
âI should go,â you interject, turning away so as not to see any more of the rejection in his eyes. âHave a good evening, Mr. Jeon.â
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How Many Things
Yoongi x Reader
Summary: Yoongi invites you out to a party with him, and in trust, you say yes. But what happens when you lose him in the crowd, just to find him again with someone else by his side? In the midst of panic and longing, you wonder how many things he thinks about before he gets to you.
Tags: Non-Idol AU, Anti-Social Reader, Hurt/Comfort, Angst/Fluff
Warnings: Anxiety, descriptions of panic attacks, Yoongi is an asshole for a minute, some of his friends are big time assholes, insecurities, social anxiety, lots of feelings, Teahyung and Namjoon are sweethearts, crying, jealousy, author's first fic lol.
A/N: HEY HELLO HI!!! This is my first fic that I'm publishing here so pls be gentle đ And if you enjoy, leave feedback, good or bad, I love interactions. This is self-indulgent comfort that I've been thinking about for a long while and I was like ,,,,,, Yoongi got me đĽ°đ Also this was slightly inspired by Sabrina Carpenter's "how many things" from her album EICS go listen if you want the extra angst. So yeah, enjoy!
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You began to panic, the music was so, so loud, the clattering of dishes and glasses from the bar, the yelling, all the bodies and their humidity, it was all becoming too much, and to your dismay, Yoongi was nowhere to be seen.
You tried to recollect yourself as you began pushing through the crowd, determined on finding him. With every slip past a person, every step and stumble, you grew even more exhausted, but then finally, Yoongi came into view.
He was to the other end of the bar, a smile plastered in all his glory. Whoever he was talking to was clearly making him laugh, and just the sight of him made the tension in your shoulders ease a little bit. You were just about to call out to him, maybe even when fling yourself in his arms, but then-
Then you saw her. The one responsible for the way his face was currently scrunched with a happy grin. They stood close to each other, even as they turned the other way and moved to take a seat together at the bar. They were hand in hand, they looked like the human embodiment of perfection.
You felt your heart deflate as Yoongi pulled out a chair for her, proceeding to signal something to the bartender, the peace sign on his fingers and the pointing between him and her gave you the idea he asked for a drink for both of them. They continued to laugh and talk, and you had to force yourself to look away.
The sight of them made you remember why you hated going out, but even worse, you remembered why you vowed to not get romantically attached to anyone, especially not Yoongi.
The turning of your stomach was becoming hard to ignore, your quick breaths making matters worse. You knew you had to get out of there; with or without Yoongi. So with one last glance at him -who was still engrossed deeply in conversation with the woman next to him, leaning to whisper something in her ear and her reacting in a flustered manner- you fought your way to the door, tears beginning to spill the moment the night breeze greeted you.
As much as you wanted to just run and run and run until your body gave out on you, you knew better than to try and make it back to the dorms by foot.
You sighed defeatedly and pulled out your phone, texting the one person who you knew would be here without fail. As much as you didn't like bothering him (even though he's told you countless times you're not) you knew he'd scold you if you walked home on your own, and a scolding from him was never an enjoyable experience.
Y/N: are you busy rn?
Namjoon: Not currently. Why?
Y/N: can u pls come pick me up
Namjoon: Where are you? Are you safe?
Y/N: yeah, here's my location *đ*
Namjoon: I'll be there in less than 10. Stay put, okay?
Y/N: ok. ty joon.
Putting your phone away, you sat at the nearest bench you found, and attempted to stop the tears from falling further before Namjoon arrived.
But no matter how hard you tried, it was pretty much impossible to not think about why you were out here in the first place. Were you overreacting? Yoongi's allowed to have friends. So why are you so hurt? It's not even like you're together or anything.
In all honesty, you wanted to be mad at them.
You wanted to be mad at him for giving you even the slightest hope that there might be something more between you two.
You wanted to be mad at that girl he was with for being so damn perfect for him, for being everything that you could never begin to come close to.
But deep down you didn't have it in you to be angry at anyone but yourself.
How could you have been so stupid?
You knew that no one would want you romantically, you knew that all he felt for you was pity, that you'd never come first, and yet you still got your hopes up.
You let yourself dream that he wanted you like you wanted him. You believed all those things he said out of pity, all the reassurances and compliments, you knew that they were nothing but him simply being who he is; a naturally kind person.
You knew all of this, so why the hell were you crying? Why were you walking out and aimlessly trying to find anywhere else to go?
'Pathetic' you scoffed at yourself. You were being immature, everything everyone else had said about you was true. You were stupid to think otherwise.
Before you could continue to wallow in your self-pity, you felt a small tap to your shoulder, and you looked up to find Namjoon looking down at you.
"Y/N? Are you alright?" You quickly wiped away your remaining tears and nodded your head, standing up to greet him. "Yes, yes, I'm fine. Thank you for coming Namjoon." You bowed slightly, trying your best to look well put together. "It's no problem dear. My car's this way, come on."
"You want me to drive you back to your apartment?" You both got in his car and he asked as you put on your seatbelts. "Yes, please. Thank you." He only hummed in response as he began to drive, a soft tune playing on the radio, just loud enough to make it less awkward.
Namjoon knew you probably weren't in the mood to talk, and you were grateful for the silent understanding you guys shared. You weren't awfully close, but you'd shared your own personal memories with each other, and you mutually knew the other would be willing to lend a hand when needed. That's what you liked about him. He was just understanding like that.
The drive to your apartment was short, and even though you lived on the 3rd floor, Namjoon insisted on walking you to your door.
"Hey, take care okay? If you need anything else don't hesitate to call me, yeah?" He said as you reached your door, the genuine look on his face made you tear up once more.
"Yeah. Thank you, Joon." You waved him off as you stepped into your apartment, closing the door as he began to turn around.
You immediately kicked off your heels and went to grab a glass of water. You chugged it down as if you hadn't had a drop of water in days, proceeding to open your fridge and let the waterworks begin as you realized your appetite was gone just seeing the carton of orange juice sitting there with a sticky note that reads, "YOONGI'S!!! DO NOT DRINK >:("
He'd helped you with your groceries about 2 weeks ago, and the orange juice he bought was claimed by him, protesting that he needed "emergency juice" because he was at your apartment so often.
Not wanting to look at his skrunkly handwriting anymore, you shut the fridge door and rested your head in your hands on the kitchen counter.
The more you thought about it, the more prominent the ache in your chest became. He was the one who invited you to that party in the first place. He was the one who wanted you to have fun. He was the one that promised he wouldn't leave your side. Yet here you were, back at the dorms, hugging yourself in attempts to conceal your heartbreak.
If you had gone on your own and just happened to see him there with another girl, then that would have been a different story.
But no.
Yoongi himself told you two nights ago that he was invited to a party, and he wanted you to accompany him as his plus one. And as nervous and hesitant as you were, he spurred you on, encouraging; "No matter what you wear you'll look stunning." And "Everyone will love you" and "I won't leave your side, okay?"
That one stung the most when you thought about it, because not even 15 minutes into the party, Yoongi was nowhere to be seen. You could tell that most of his friends weren't too fond of you, and you felt ridiculous in the pink dress you wore.
You thought of how you'd taken hours to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and not cry at your appearance made you cringe. You tried so hard to look nice, to feel pretty, to feel wanted, and it still didn't work.
You grew angrier, why weren't you good enough? What made it so hard to love you? You practically ripped off your dress, the fabric suddenly piercing your skin, your arms wiping off your already smearing makeup furiously, and you stomped to your bed, plopping down violently before letting out a strangled groan that sounded more like a whimper.
You felt like shit. Your whole night was shit.
Were you overreacting? You had been rude too. I mean, you left without even telling him. You're just as bad, right?
He's the one who left you standing there, Y/N. Your brain going back and forth until you decided that falling asleep would be easier.
"Sooo how'd it go with lover boy last night? Assuming things went well from what I saw." An overly excited Taehyung appeared at your side, a smug grin on his face as he poked your arms. You just shrugged your shoulders as a response, the mere mention of the previous night was enough to deflate your already souring mood.
"Don't give me that look, Y/N! I know you and Yoongi got it on last night!" Taehyung flailed his arms accusingly, as if waddling around would make his statements true. "We didn't get it on, Taehyung. Literally nothing happened. Nothing." You tried to remain calm as you spoke, but your patience was running thin.
"Oh come on Y/N. Yoongi was absolutely plastered this morning and you're gonna try to tell me nothing happened?" He kept on going as he shook your shoulders, and it took everything in you to not slap his hands away.
"Did he get home safe last night?" Your brows furrowed in slight worry at the mention of Yoongi being wasted, and no matter how hurt you were, you had to know if he was okay.
"Uh, yeah. Were you drunk too? I thought you guys left together. Do you not remember?" The lump in your throat was becoming harder to swallow down as Taehyung spoke. You had to be strong. You were not gonna cry over this to your poor friend who's excited.
"You know I don't drink. And, no we didn't leave together. I asked Namjoon to take me home." You hoped he'd stop asking questions, but much to your dismay- "You left with Namjoon?!?! Does Yoongi know?!?!? Did anything happen with him!?" At this point you were on the brink of tears, you hated talking about this.
"Taehyung, please let it go. I just wanted to know if Yoongi got home safely. Can we please just drop it?" Taehyung caught onto your pleading tone and the hurt look in your eyes, and he nodded with his softened expression.
"Sorry Y/N, I didn't mean to pry." He spoke cautiously. "It's okay Tae."
He shot you another worried look before returning to walking in silence beside you once again.
The rest of the day went painfully slow, your mind too exhausted to deal with walking from one side of campus to the other, and much less to pay attention to what your professors were saying.
Expectedly, you collapsed onto your bed the moment you went back to your dorm. You were gladly going to continue feeling sorry for yourself, but the ringing of your doorbell rudely interrupted you.
You groaned, hoping they'd just go away, but after a few seconds another ring came. You [grumpily] got up, running your hands through your hair in attempt to look somewhat presentable.
As you made your way to the door, you wondered who could be at your apartment, especially now that it was beginning to get late, the sun going down quickly outside.
You hesitantly opened the door, immediately wishing you would've just continued to ignore whoever was at the door once you saw who was standing in front of you.
"Hi, I brought dinner." There Yoongi stood with a soft smile on his face, lifting a brown bag in reference to dinner.
You stood stunned, wanting to say something, but your mind went blank.
"Y/N? You there?" He playfully waved his hands around trying to get your attention.
"Oh, uhm, yeah. Sorry. Just didn't expect you to come by."
"Oh, sorry if I startled you. I texted you but you didn't respond, and you didn't answer last night when I called, so I wanted to come check if you were okay." He shuffled from foot to foot, worry evident in his eyes.
"Oh, just haven't been on my phone lately." You looked down, feeling unsure on how to talk to him without showing him your hurt.
"Oh alright. So, we heading in for dinner?" The smile returned to Yoongi's face, and no matter how hurt you were, you still found it hard to say no to him.
"Oh, yeah, sure. Of course."
You opened the door a little further and stepped aside to let him in.
On a normal occasion, dinner with Yoongi would've been the highlight of your day. But now, it was filled with awkward silence and poor attempts at small talk â Yoongi hates small talk as much as you, so you don't know why he's still trying â the tension in the air was hardly going unnoticed.
It wasn't until you finished eating that he decided to just rip the bandage off.
"Are you angry with me?" Yoongi asked, and you almost questioned if he was being serious or not, but the expression he held made you realize that he was in fact clueless about the hurt he put you through.
You weren't sure what to say, so you stayed silent. I mean, it's not like you were angry at him. But you also weren't too happy with him either. Yoongi felt his heart drop as your gaze dropped his own, denying him from an answer.
"Y/N? Did I do something?" He asks from across the table where he's sitting.
For some reason hearing those words from him made the tears you've been holding back so well spill over.
Did he really have no idea? Were you genuinely overreacting? Did you just make everything up in your head?
"Do you really not know?" You tried to push your voice out firmly, but it came out in a broken whisper. You wanted to look at Yoongi, you wanted to see if his face washed over with realization, but your eyes stayed glued to the floor.
"Is this about me getting drunk at that party? I thought you said you didn't mind if I had alcohol." His wording sounded harsher than he intended, but with your already weakened state, you had to hold back from full on sobbing right there in front of him.
"This is about you leaving me by myself in the middle of the party when you promised you wouldn't leave my side!" Your frustration began to take over, did he really not see it? He's supposed to know you better than anyone else.
"Leaving you by yourself? Last thing I heard, you had found yourself a new companion for the night." Yoongi scoffed, his mood souring when he recalls finding out that apparently you'd left with some other guy.
The drinks he'd had were enough to make the night slightly blurry and to make him work a little harder to recall the night's events, but unfortunately, they weren't enough to make him forget how someone had stole you away from him.
"Where did you hear that?" You asked, trying to mask the hurt you were currently feeling.
"My friends" He responded, as if that was supposed to change what you had said.
"Your friends ... the ones you introduced me to?"
"Yeah"
"Your friends really don't seem to like me." You muttered, but Yoongi somehow caught the soft mumbling.
"What do you mean? To me it looked like they were all happy to meet you." His tone remained cold, and you felt more tears forming quickly.
"Well, you weren't there with me when they all laughed at me because I'd lost you in the crowd." You tried to defend yourself.
"They're not like that, I know they aren't."
"You wouldn't know how they acted towards me because you left me alone." You continued on, his face morphing into one resembling more of guilt.
"He left you already? Didn't even last half an hour."
"They haven't even had 1 drink tonight, no wonder Yoongi ran away so fast. Prude."
You winced while recalling how they'd laughed at you when you tried asking for Yoongi, passing it off as a joke when you'd gotten visibly upset.
You softened your tone, sadness catching up with you and replacing your frustration.
"It hurt, Yoongi. You know me better than anyone. You're supposed to know me better than anyone. You know how much I hate parties and bars, how I hate talking to people I don't know, how I don't do things alone. Ever. And you know that if I made you promise to not leave my side it's because I'm not ever planning to leave yours either. Do you know how bad it hurt to be panicking only to turn around and see you having the time of your life? Especially with someone else, when you promised me that night was for you and I only? It hurt, so damn bad."
Yoongi's heart dropped at your words, had it really been that bad for you? How did he not notice?
"I didn't leave with anyone yesterday, Namjoon brought me back to my apartment and left the moment I walked inside that door. You're the one that left with someone else last night, and it wasn't me."
A thick moment of silence engulfs you, and you begin to wait for a snap, or some sort of outburst from Yoongi, but all that comes isâ
"Y/N... I- Shit. That's not-" You looked up hesitantly at the sound of Yoongi fumbling his words. He ran a hand through his hair in disbelief before slowly moving closer and crouching down in front of you. "I'm so sorry Y/N. I swear didn't mean to leave you. I went to go get the drinks, I did. And then when I couldn't find you I went and asked my friends if they had seen you, and they said that you'd gone off dancing with some guy, and so I went to go look for you and I ran into a classmate, which is the girl you saw me with. And I thought, since Y/N's off with someone else, it wouldn't hurt to have a drink with a girl from my class. I wouldn't have left you if I knew that you were by yourself. I'm so sorry."
Yoongi's gaze dropped to the floor as he finished, ashamed for being the root of your tears.
"I should've known better, I- I was just so opposed to seeing you happy with someone else that I immediately rejected the idea of looking for you to avoid the possibility of someone else making your night special. And I know that's not really a valid excuse, not looking for you because I was jealous- of something that wasn't even fucking happening- it isn't fair to you whatsoever. I'm so sorry, Y/N. I truly am." He takes your hands in his and takes a moment to recollect his next words.
"What can I do to make it up to you? Even if it's just the smallest fraction, I want to show you how sorry I am. Anything you want. Please." You paused for a moment, even though your conscience immediately knew what you wanted.
Hold me. Please. Hold me. Nudge your head with mine, lock our pinkies, put your leg against mine, anything. Please, hold me.
With your brain screaming mantras of 'I need to be held', you reached out for him for a second, before your body jerked to a stop.
No. I need him to hold me. I need him to reach out. He needs to initiate- please-
Yoongi's quick to notice your body language, and equally quick to react. "Do you want to be held, sweetheart?" You swear you felt yourself physically start to glow at the sound of him uttering the words you've been dying to hear for god knows how long.
You nod your head and you're so delighted by the aspect of someone- well, not just someone, but Yoongi- comforting you, that you don't even notice the soft whimper that leaves you as he scoots closer to you.
"Words, darling." He says softly, and your body automatically responds with soft chants of "Yes, please, yes Yoongi."
You don't even notice how tears begin to fall against your cheeks again when you feel Yoongi's hands wiping them away.
"C'mere, I've got you baby. Let's go to bed, yeah?" He grabs your legs and wraps them around his torso, before he holds you against him tightly and begins to stand up with you in his arms.
You feel yourself melting at the pet names he's giving you, glad that he's carrying you because you're sure your legs would've given out on you at this point.
You continue turning to mush when you feel how gently Yoongi sets you down once you reach your bed, how he squeezes your hand and asks for permission to lay with you with his eyes, how he reaches for you under the covers and cradles you close, fingers running through your hair softly.
The bliss is only momentarily, broken when your mouth moves faster than your brain;
"Yoongi?"
"Hm?"
"Why did it upset you when you thought I was at the club with someone else?" Your question comes out as a whisper, scared for his response.
"Y/N." He pulls back a little to see your face.
"Yoongi." You reply mocking his tone.
"Are you really gonna make me spell it out for you?" He's secretly glad that it's dark in your room, otherwise you'd be able to see the blush coating his cheeks.
"What are you talking about?" You ask, and his only response is a huff while pulling your head back into his chest.
"Yoooongiiii" Your whine comes out muffled by his shirt.
"Y/nnnnnn" It's now Yoongi's turn to mock your tone.
"Answer the questionnnn"
You feel the vibrations of his chest as he mumbles something into your hair, and you would've lost it on the spot if you weren't so focused on getting an answer out of him.
"Yoongi I can't understand you when you're mumbling like a child." You chuckle slightly, not wanting to dwell on how you can feel his heart beating rapidly against you before he mumbles once again, only this time louder.
"I don't understand you for shit." At this, Yoongi lets go of you and sits up with a sigh, looking at you for a second before securing his gaze on his hands. You follow suit and sit up as well, only slightly behind him.
"I like you. I've liked you. For a really long while." His voice is so soft and it sounds so timid, you almost think you're imagining it.
"Oh."
"Oh?"
"Wait- that's not a good way to respond to that. Uhhh- wait." You quickly shift so you're facing him fully.
"Do you mean like as in 'you're a homie' or like as in 'you're not just the homie you're THE homie'? Because before I say anything you would have to clari-"
"Do you think I do this with all my friends?" He cuts off your nervous ramble, grabbing both of your shaky hands with his equally shaken ones.
"What specifically?"
"All of it."
"Wha-"
"The sharing food? The holding hands and carrying you and bringing dinner over and inviting them everywhere with me? The cuddling and the 'baby' and 'doll'? You know how I am about my personal space, and you know how I am about my sleep, and you know how I am about affection. Do you think I do that with just anyone?"
"Well- I don't know, I mean- I don't know what your other friendsh-"
"I don't. You're the only one that gets to see me like this. You're the only one I treat like this. You're the only one I want to treat like this. I like you. And I want to be with you. And that's why I was upset. Because when I thought you were with someone else, it made me feel as if you didn't want the same thing as me."
Before you got the chance to even begin to process, Yoongi catches himself and feels the need to justify: "Obviously if you don't feel the same then I won't like, lash out at you or anything, it'll hurt but I don't want you to feel forced into something more with me than what we have now, it's just you asked me why I was upset and that was the only way I could explain it but I-"
"Yoongi." He's stopped by a soft tug to his shirt and the even softer sound of your voice.
You catch each other's eyes, the flickers of hope and longing between them, and the search of honesty.
"I feel the same."
A sigh leaves his lips and he breaks into a smile before picking you up in one motion and setting you on his lap so you're straddling him.
"Does this mean we're like, um- like,,,,"
"Like...?" His tone is teasing, and you know he knows what you mean.
"Like, y'know- like..."
"I actually don't know...."
"Yoongi." You huff out, your shyness getting the best of you.
"Yes?" His tone is smug, making you groan into his chest.
Working off of pure adrenaline, you mumble quietly: "Like, together."
"What was that doll?" You could practically hear the smirk on his face, making you try and shuffle away from him, but Yoongi's quicker, pulling you back into him with a giggle.
"If you're asking if we're officially dating, then don't even question it baby." He's still laughing, but his tone is firmer this time.
"So I'm taking that as a yes?"
"Fuck yes."
You burst out laughing at his response, and soon enough you've both fallen into a fit of giggles, as well as back into the bed, with you on top of Yoongi, before he flips you over so he's hovering over you.
"Y/N."
"Yoongi?"
"Can I kiss you?"
End.
#yoongi#yoongi x reader#suga x reader#yoongi au#bts#bts au#yoongi fanfic#yoongi fluff#bts fic#bts fluff#bts hurt/comfort#hurt/comfort#yoongi hurt/comfort#bts angst#angst fluff#bts soft hours#soft yoongi#min yoongi x reader#min yoongi#yoongi comfort#bts x reader#suga#suga au#suga fanfic#bts comfort#bts reactions#bts drabble
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transmasc haircut woes ahead...
so i was growing out my hair again but it is starting to become annoying/a sensory nightmare this summer/doesn't feel like me/kinda gives me some dysphoria.
so i wanna give it the chop (again).
but the thing is i am. like. very intimidated by barber shops??? i live in a significantly queerer and more progressive city now than i used to which helps. but i'm still a tiny 4'10 pre-T transmasc person and i do not feel like i look like someone who "belongs" in a barber shop, if there is such a thing (i'm sure there isn't but the anxiety tells me there is).
i am sure i am overthinking it but being in like... a Designated Male Space feels quite scary. i struggle to even walk past florsheim's in the mall or have other men see me in the men's section of stores, if that gives you context on how scary all of this is for me. i have no idea what i think is gonna happen if i walk in there - like, anxiety brain says i'm gonna be gatekept out, people are gonna be like, "what are you doing here?" or "you're not masc enough to be in here," or whatever, i have LITERALLY no idea - and i'm sure i'm making a mountain out of a molehill and no one will actually be mean to me or bully me in a barber shop!
but the thing is i have like, no idea what goes on in there? and that's part of the anxiety, i guess. mind you, i know queer cis women go and get their hair cut in barber shops as well, so i guess... i also don't want to be read as that either?
i have gotten my hair cut before by a male hairdresser at a hair salon and it was a person my parents picked, a hair style my mom picked, and then he would dye my hair a Different Shade of Brown and my mom would give me frosted highlights or whatever at home, because she told me my natural hair color was boring and lacked depth. i had more or less zero control over the experience in terms of what i came out looking like. i was like... 23, 24 when this was still happening.
at one point, she took me to a consultation to get my hair chemically straightened (keratin, i think it was going to be) which would have gotten rid of my natural wavy texture, because i was "too lazy to put in the work" to do anything with my hair (because i wanted it to be short, most of the time, if anyone asked me). that was like, the one thing i brought myself to be able to say no to because. i didn't want to do that.
it took a while for my hair not to be processed to shit and to grow back in nice. but i fucking LOVE my natural hair color and texture and volume actually, it's beautiful, in my opinion, if i do say so myself. it's a lovely shade of brown and it's got amber/chestnut highlights in it in the sunshine and it has nice texture and it's soft. come pet my hair, basically.
anyway, sorry for the detour about Hair Styling Trauma but maybe this will help explain why the fuck i feel like i can't go and just Get My Hair Cut. lol, gotta love finally getting out from under the thumb of a narcissist and still having Shit Going On years later.
even up until the most recent time my hair was short, i have been going to hair salons (not barber shops) and i have been in that weird limbo of "girl asking for pixie cut," which is NOT the experience i want this time. every hairdresser i've ever had is always like, are you sure you want it this short? the last person who cut my hair was a pretty chill italian guy (like, came recently from italy, spoke italian in his shop, not like long-time italian-american type italian) who felt... probably the safest i've found because he was sort of relaxed about the whole thing and didn't get weird about it. but even with him, as close as i managed to verbalize what i want was to ask for something "gender neutral" because it felt like. incredibly scary to be like, "i do not want to look like girl. please do not make me look like girl."
he understood the assignment and is probably the one who would give me the best haircuts i've had. but even then it still sort of felt like i was... asking for it in a sort of weird adjacent-to-what-i-really-meant way and getting there by sheer coincidence of a person understanding the assignment vs like. please make me look more like boy. am not girl trying to look like boy. am not edgy girl with pixie cut. you feel me???
edit: also. i don't think that hair is inherently gendered one way or another, it's just like... the way that people tend to gender the process/different types and styles of hair that makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel misgendered. and like the perceptions of you that people have. and that a lot of the vibe is going to depend on how whatever individual haircut works with my face. and that when i go on T these things may also change. so i'm not trying to like... binary the hair but also... it's the dysphoria of how people talk to you/look at you/etc. at personal care places, you know?
i don't even necessarily want something with zero length, because my hair tends to look good when there's something there to style, but i just ... i don't want a Women's Short Haircut, you know??? at the same time i know that i have a Lot of Hair and people have fucked up my short haircuts before so i don't want a Bad Haircut either. i don't feel like i can do the same shit i always do again where i come in and sit there silently and slightly embarrassedly while i secretly hack my way into gender euphoria while the person thinks they're cutting a girl's hair.
anyway, what the fuck do i do and how do i not feel like dysphoria central during this whole process? what is a barber shop like? what do people talk about in there? can i just be quiet? is everything going to clock that i have not socialized with men like ever but want to? idk, do i lead with being transmasc? do i just bring sample photos of men's haircuts only and have a conversation about how they will work with my face shape? do i just say i am trying to look Not Like a Girl? that seems. incredibly terrifying. i would bring a queer friend to chill me out, but i haven't made any here yet to be able to bring.
asdjdjfj if u have read this far thank you and sorry for being a hot mess !!!
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Since you've mentioned a couple of times having comorbid OCPD, would you mind explaining more about the effect that disorder has on you? Out of every PD, it's the one I never find people talking about. Due to that, and the diagnostic criteria itself being (as ever) exasperatingly superficial and vague, It's hard to know where to even look for information about it..!
Sure. I agree that it's very difficult to find information about ocpd online. I guess I could categorize my experience with ocpd into three categories: things that are absolutely recognized symptoms of ocpd, things that overlap with other obsessive compulsive spectrum disorders (like things more traditionally thought of as OCD symptoms), and things that I have to assume come from ocpd because they seem to but I don't know if they're universal because I don't see other people talking about having ocpd. So in terms of things that are definitely ocpd experiences: I really don't feel safe or comfortable in situations I don't have at least some control over. I need to control my space, my food, who is around me, etc to feel safe. This also applies to my time and schedule. I get very agitated when it's interrupted, even if I don't show it. I tend to plan my day's activities pretty rigidly and it stresses me out when I'm not able to follow through. I also have very rigid ways I like to do things, and it stresses me out if I have to do something with someone else's method or if someone in my apartment does something differently to how I would do it, especially things like eating without washing hands first, not taking shoes off before coming in, etc. I try to keep this kind of thing in check because I don't want to be controlling or obnoxious, but it causes me a lot of stress internally. This has been very difficult when I've had a job and I'm being told to do things a particular way but it's not MY way. It's also difficult when I'm intentionally trying to push myself to try a different method for, say, drawing something. Even though I'm making the choice, I'm breaking my method and it feels extremely Wrong. The next category is overlap with other obsessive compulsive spectrum disorders. I definitely get intrusive thoughts and the anxiety inducing spiral of 'something bad will happen if I don't have the tv volume set to an odd number' and 'I feel compelled to make sure my foot touches to the floor in a very certain way right now for Reasons'. I also have health anxiety that gets worse if I try to engage in reassurance seeking behavior (but this only started after I got diagnosed with a chronic illness, so it could be a combination of ocpd and trauma). But you can apply the mechanics of health anxiety to other things that pop into my head to frighten me with no basis in reality that start the reassurance seeking/me becoming more convinced the terrible thing is true cycle. Then the third category, which is random things I think are ocpd but who knows because there aren't a lot of other people out there talking about their personal experiences with it: I like recording things. Every day, I write the weather conditions down in a notebook. I also have very rigid records of my drawing time and draw with a stopwatch going to make sure I'm keeping track and write everything in a notepad++ file like so
I get extremely stressed out if anything gets in the way of this process! You could say my life kind of revolves around this actually. I've actually drawn at least an hour a day for about a decade (knock on wood...), and I track it every day. In general, I have a lot of fun creating methods and systems to follow rigidly. It's like a game even. Maybe why I like playing games with a lot of organization/time management... Love giving myself a list of tasks and completing them. Speaking of games, I love Pokemon Legends Arceus because it is essentially a checklist simulator. Also, I experience something similar to special interests but maybe not exactly the same. I wouldn't say hyperfixations either because they're not fleeting. They're very enduring. I wish I could explain more about how they're unique from either special interests (in the autistic meaning of the phrase) and hyperfixations (like with ADHD), but it's kind of hard to explain without feeling like I'm explaining it poorly. And last, something that could go in either this category or the second because it's something I've heard people diagnosed with OCD talk about experiencing is I have a weird thing with my memory where my visual/auditory memory are weirdly strongly connected. So if I'm listening to something while drawing, if I listen to it again, I can 'see' what I was drawing at the time. If I look at the drawing, I'll remember the part of the audiobook or whatever I was listening to. It's to the point that if I was listening to an audiobook while playing a certain video game, hearing the audiobook again will make me crave playing the video game really intensely! It's like I can see exactly where I was in the game as if I was playing it right now. Anyway, I hope that was helpful. I tried to include everything I could think of. My life is very rigid, but I guess if there's one more thing I could say about that, it's that the rigidity excites me and feels like it lights up my brain with feel-good chemicals. I think having ocpd is like a combination of extreme anxiety and the ability to create fun engaging activities all by myself and with very few resources.
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Wanted to go anon but I asked in DMs if I could vent so hopefully thisâll make me feel better:
A lot of times I feel Christianity is causing me more harm than good. I grew up in the Baptist south and I see Christians so happy with God and their blessings. And while I acknowledge my blessings and thank God for them I donât think I feel the same kind of joy everyone else does. I went to a revival at my auntâs church last October and came out of it with horrible anxiety that lasted for months. Even as people talked about Godâs love and mercy and second chances I left without feeling that love, I was scared and it felt like I wasnât a good Christian and that when I was saved years ago no longer counted. Any time I see someone talk about spreading the Gospel I feel low and awful cause no one has come to me and told me theyâre Christian now and why should God let me into Heaven if I canât do that?
I recently discover scrupulosity and Iâm 90% thatâs what I have. It was a relief to know (even if I canât always believe it) itâs ocd making me feel this way and not God. But how I can I find comfort in the faith when that is where my anxiety stems from?
Hey there. My heart aches for you and the harm Christianity has brought you. When faith is done right, it should be a place of support, a place you feel encouraged towards growth and vulnerability. Instead, it sounds like you've been taught fear â that you're not "good enough" for God or heaven; that not feeling what everyone else seems to be feeling is a failing on your part.
You deserve so much better, and it's not your fault that this is the Christianity you've been put through.
I want to start by saying that what you're feeling, or what you don't feel, does not make you a "bad Christian"; it's not a sign of God's disfavor; and it absolutely does not bar you from heaven!
It's such an alienating feeling to be surrounded by people who seem to be experiencing something you just can't seem to access. It reminds me of Psalm 42, where the psalmist wrestles with their depression and anxiety:
But I remember these things as I bare my soul: Â Â Â Â how I made my way to the mighty oneâs abode, Â Â Â Â to Godâs own house, Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â with joyous shouts and thanksgiving songsâ Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â a huge crowd celebrating the festival! Why, I ask myself, are you so depressed? Â Â Â Â Why are you so upset inside? Hope in God! Â Â Â Â Because I will again give him thanks, Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â my saving presence and my God. (Psalm 42:4-5)
In the above verses, the psalmist visits God's Temple, is surrounded by people shouting joyfully...and all they seem to feel is that soul-deep depression. They also wonder, "What's wrong with me??" The hope they find even in this fretting about their inability to feel the joy everyone else is, is the hope that there will be a future time when they will once again feel the gratitude and joy they can't access right now.
What will it take, what does this psalmist need, in order to work through their depression and into joy? ...What do you need?
One thing I highly recommend, if at all possible, is finding a therapist who can help you through your religious hurt and help you navigate scrupulosity.
Look for therapists who specialize in religious trauma, or scrupulosity, or "deconstructing" faith, or working with "ex-vangelicals."
In your consult with them, make sure they are, like, not part of a conservative Christian church themselves and actually aim to keep patients in such spaces; make sure they are there to help you find spiritual wellbeing, wherever that journey takes you. Asking about their view on LGBTQ+ persons might be one way to determine their overall aims.
I'm by no means a mental health professional; I'm not an expert in scrupulosity and I don't know best practice for working through religious trauma when scrupulosity is part of your experience. So please take everything that comes next in this post with a huge grain of salt, that I'm offering what I've seen work for some people, but that doesn't mean it's the right thing for you. Getting that professional support is much more ideal.
Along with professional support, I do feel that a break from Christianity, or at least the Christian spaces you are currently part of, may give you the space to work through everything.
However, if not going to church will impact your scrupulosity or activate fears about hell, prepare some options in advance for dealing with that â whether it's having someone you trust you can talk to, or setting up your own Sunday worship, a space and time where you pray, read scripture, etc. at home.
If you feel that even those preparations won't be enough to keep safe from those fears, you might wait till you get a therapist who can help you navigate whatever comes up when you leave church.
You could also start looking around for different kinds of churches than you've currently experienced, churches that make space for depression and fear, and that emphasize that God's love is freely given, not earned. This is my post with tips for finding an affirming church near you. But I want to emphasize that it's okay if you aren't ready to start looking for a new church, or if you're unsure you ever want to do that.
Finding people who are going through similar things could be very helpful â people who get it, who can share their stories with you as you share yours with them.
A progressive church might be a place you can find that support.
It's also possible that LGBTQ orgs in your area might offer resources for those with religious trauma.
There are also online options, such as Journey Free, which offers both free and paid support â including online support groups.
Recovering from Religion is another site with support group options, online and in person (note: I'm not that familiar with this org, so if anyone has experience with them please share).
If you're a reader, two books I think might bring you some healing and reframe your relationship with faith are:
Learning to Walk in the Dark by Barbara Brown Taylor, which explores a Christian faith that has room for depression, grief, fear, pain, rather than pressuring everyone to Be Happy All The Time to "prove" they're blessed. (I have a tag with a few excerpts from this book)
Bad Theology Kills by Kevin Garcia, which unpacks a lot of the harmful stuff Christians in evangelical / fundamentalist type churches internalize.
You might also find some useful stuff on my FAQ, particularly the "emotions and sins: guilt and fear, anger and hate" section and the "on God" and "prayer and faith" sections.
I'm not sure how helpful all this was, but I want you to know that you are worthy of spiritual thriving, of finding places that bring you peace and joy rather than fear and isolation. I'll be praying for you as you unpack what you've been through and where you need to go to find that thriving. The journey will probably be long and bumpy, but you do not have to go it alone. <3
#church hurt#religious trauma#if anyone else has encouragement for anon#or suggestions for where to go to find support#please do share <3
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She's Mine, You Stay Away From Her .
pairing; Peter Ballard x Fem!Reader
summary; Reader is basically in Elevens spot like in the episodes leading up to 7; The Massacre at Hawkins Lab in season 4
warnings; swearing, descriptions of - Murder, insanity, hatred, being shocked, anxiety, isolation. Peter himself is considered a warning for this fic.
a/n; I've spent forever working on this agh!!! it's been taking up my time of working on other requests </3 but I got the inspiration of this fic based of an edit I saw of Peter to this song! I also just really wanted to write him to a Pierce The Veil song because they're my favorite band :) (HOPING THIS DOESNT FLOP HHJ)
word count; 5.1k
--ĂâĽď¸Ă--
The lingering quietness was always off putting inside of Hawkins Labrotory. It always made you feel uneasy. The fact that you were forced to live and work here everyday for most likely the rest of your life was uneasy.
But there was nothing that could be done, Martin Brenner was a dangerously powerful man who ruled over everybody that was within the walls of his facility.
And it was clear to you that he had not a single silver of an amount for care for the humans inside of his building either. If he did, he wouldn't be scientifically experimenting on children to give them different forms of physiological powers. It was inhuman to do this to undeveloped brains of practically toddlers.
And you having to watch and document it happen every single day was picking away at your sanity piece by piece. What you would do if you could've had the power the children withheld.
You would take matters into your own hands and put an end to all of this insanity that went on, put an end to the man behind the madness.
You weren't sure if you were losing your sanity, or if it was already lost. But you would do anything to break free of this hell, Martin seemed to be Satan himself when someone did something he didn't like, if they even breathed the wrong way, his wrath would come their way and would last for longer than you'd prefer to admit.
But you weren't the only one who seemed to grow this type of hatred for a place like this, no. There was another, And though you'd never been directly told you weren't the only one, you could tell. It was obvious in your eyes.
He seemed to be Brenners favorite, and also his most hated worker, And his name is Peter Ballard. A man with the facial features made of pure beauty like a God.
He isolated from others, as they were uninterested in him and often spat shit at him, infront of him and behind his back and you'd heard it all. Some of the pesky rumors that went around about that gorgeous man seemed so ridiculous a fucking 4th grader could've came up with better.
You were both just looking at eachother, the tension wasn't awkward between the two of you, she was nervous to be standing before you, you towered over her.
She probably would have started to sweat thick bullets if it weren't constantly fucking cold. Which surprisingly didn't constantly get the children sick, maybe them having humanly impossible powers strengthened their immune system to the point they don't get sick anymore.
It wouldn't suprise you if that were true, nothing was surprising anymore unless Brenner left you off with a warning and not 3 hours of you getting shocked to the point your nerves went numb and you felt like you were about to take your last fucking breathe.
"play." Eleven mumbled out and lightly tugged on the hem of your skirt. you raised a brow at her, your face felt blank, and numb, you felt numb inside too.
"play what." your voice was clear and ferm, your remember how your mother used to tell you when you were a teenager that she loved the femininity in your voice, it made you sound more professional.
The image of your mother's face in your head made you feel a certain way, a feeling that had felt lost for a long time, like it was hidden deep and burrowed inside you.
"puzzle." Eleven spoke, bringing you back to the reality you lived in today. the dreadful reality you lived in.
"okay." her small fingers wrapped around your index one, guiding you towards a small table, leaving you next to one of the chairs, you sat down feeling somewhat hesitant. You didn't understand, why now? why would Eleven now be talking to you?
Maybe it was something under the control of Peter, or Brenner, maybe either of them convinced her to talk to you, to get you to like her and use her as a weakness towards you. You didn't trust anyone anymore, the first look you took inside this building, you knew you were fucked.
Eleven sat across from you and placed a tiger children's puzzle onto the table, opening the box carefully. Everything felt off, You'd never spoken to Peter before, but you didn't need too, you already knew he hated this facility as much if not more than you did.
But you did supervise the rainbow room together, You were never a fan of the room, infact you seemed to have a weird sense of hatred for it, the way the room was displayed.
Maybe it was those muted rainbows on the wall and flooring. Or all the toys that surrounded them to make it seem like they were cared for, when in reality it was most likely to keep them distracted from the mortifying reality around them.
The somewhat nice part about that room was the children mostly placed nicely with one another, the youngest would play with wooden building blocks or solve animal puzzles. There were only around 4 of the children that were in their tweens..
It was 002 and his gang, God you fucking hated 002 and his devious little followers. All they did was bother one of the subjects, and specifically one, her name was Eleven.
She never caused trouble, because she was too afraid. She feared everybody, and she was only a little bit older than the youngest ones. She was 8 years old, the younger ones were more around 5-6.
She was especially scared of the workers, but she liked to play around with the puzzles and challenge herself to see if she could solve them, she also seemed to be observant.
She seemed to take interest in you, often you would catch her looking over at you, but you'd never thought anything of it, mainly because you couldn't care enough.
But today was different, because this time instead of the small girl just eagerly staring at you, she ended up walking her walk over towards you. You tried not to show the suprise on your face, you saw Peter watching her as if he were a hawk and she was a meek prey from the corner of your eye.
Her shaved head looked up at your eyes, You assumed she wanted to talk to you, but since she was 8, and no one cared to teach these beings anything else other than how to enhance their powers, they most likely didn't understand how to form full sentences from what you've seen and heard.
You looked around the room carefully without trying to move your head much, you started inspecting the rest of the ominously quiet room. The children were usual to minding their business.
You brought your gaze to the blonde man who kept to himself, and noticed he couldn't seem to keep his own gaze off of you.
'..Weird.'
You looked back over at Eleven and found her struggling to fit a puzzle piece to connect with another, though it was the wrong piece. You carefully took the small cardboard photo from her tiny fingers and placed it in the spot, she just stared at you, like she were embarrassed.
You weren't really sure what you were supposed to do or say now, you sort of just awkwardly smiled, it was too quiet for you to speak, your sanity didn't want you to crack somehow by simply speaking to an 8 year old.
She sort of just awkwardly looked away from you like she felt shy or wanted to speak, but obviously as noted before, she doesn't really understand how. Which is expected.
She instead just went back to figuring out how to member the tiger into a normal photo once more. You observed her movements closely, usually when she would think very critically of her next move she'd place her small index finger onto her chin or lower lip.
Every now and again she had to look up in your direction, as her way of saying "help" or "can't figure it out" and you wordlessly helped her and pieced the correct parts together. She'd finished her puzzle just as Brenner had entered the room.
"Goodmorning Children." And there she was to get quick on her feet and in her spot where she always stood in union with the rest of her "siblings."
You were meant to stand as well and did so, you watched all of them follow out behind Brenner and were fast to break the puzzle and place it back inside its box and onto the shelf where it was kept.
When you turned again, Peter was still stood in that spot next to the door, you knew he was watching you, and as much as it would've put anyone else on edge, it didn't for you. You were constantly being watched by your every move in your life now, so it seemed like nothing new.
--ĂâĽď¸Ă--
It was now your break, taking your time into the breakroom, it was like any other room. Only with a fridge and a counter top inside of it with a coffee machine. The coffee was rancid, tasted horrid.
The taste of the dirt water reminded you of when your father forced you into summer camp, when he first told you he had signed you up, you were extremely pissed.
"I'm am not going daddy! I do not want to go to summer camp! I'd rather be home!"
You would whine and complain to him, but there was nothing to be done, he already signed the paperwork and handed over the cash.
And when you had gone, it was more fun than you had expected. You went inside of a swamp and a creek, and went fishing, did tie die and collected rocks and small insects. You'd even found a snapping turtle once.
Remembering the times of your early teenage years and how you'd been happy made you feel a sense of grief, and also anger. With yourself and the world around you.
You pushed through the double doors of the breakroom, grabbing water from the half broken refrigerator and sat down by yourself, alone.
You were always alone, even when there were others around you, you were alone. No one seemed to take interest in you, not like you'd wanted them to anymore at this point.
Even if you could see through that perfectly physical man with those deep blue eyes, you were still alone. you always were since birth. Barely ever had many friends, always the targeted girl when it came to kids who had troubles in their own lives and had the shit audacity to take it out on you.
What you would've given to get your revenge on those little fucks at the time you were dealing with them.
What you would give to get your revenge on Brenner and all the shit he's dumped onto you and the rest of the people who were imprisoned here.
Your train of thought about you getting your pay back was interrupted by the sound of the doors opening again. You didn't want to make it noticeable that you were checking who was entering, But you weren't too shocked to see it was Peter.
You stared at the bottle of water that was held in your hands, small beads of sweat forming on the plastic and making your hands moist.
The sound of coffee pouring from the dispenser of the machine filled the room, no matter how similar you could tell you were to others, you never understood the trouble they would put themselves through of drinking the mud water that was labeled as "coffee" in this building.
what's something that was a shock to you about the man was that he'd sat across from you, he never interacted with you before and now he's suddenly across from you, you could feel him staring again.
It was like Lazer beams burning through metal. You'd felt that same feeling with Brenner multiple times before, it was an anxiety inducing feeling.
It reminded you of how he'd lecture and yell at you for the littlest of actions, like giving one of the children candy or something else that doesn't even matter.
And then when you would refuse to look at him because you didn't want to see that familiar cold glare that would send shrieks of fear throughout your entire being he'd send you to the punishment room.
Your skin began to form goosebumps at the memory of your entire body going numb and not being able to feel anything and your throat constantly hoarse and sore from that fucking collar he'd put on you like you were some dog.
Your skin felt itself getting warmer like your blood was boiling with rage from all your mistreatment and how you could do absolutely nothing about what you've gone through.
You shook your thoughts away, not wanting to physically remember what it felt like to wear that collar or feel those metal rods connect with your skin.
"Eleven seemed to take an interest in you today." His voice broke the imagery of your memories and your eyes automatically looked into his, they weren't cold like Brenners, they were light, and reminded you of clear skies during the summer that you used to take in while you'd make castles at the beach when you were a child, or would learn to ride your bike as your mother helped guide you in the spring, how you'd ride around your neighborhood as a teenager and would embrace the warm air and beautiful sky.
"Yeah, I suppose she did." Your voice was flat, but it wasn't cold, or mean, but it also didn't sound normal, but what would he know anyway? he's never even spoken to you before.
"She usually doesn't do that with the orderly." He clearly wanted to talk to you about something and it wasn't Eleven, but you weren't sure if you should just go along with it, or tell him to get on with the point already.
"She usually isn't like that with anyone." you remarked, there was a slight snark in your tone, you didn't really want to come off as snarky, but who wouldn't after all the shit that goes on in this place?
"So I've noticed" He didn't sound mad, and he still hadn't taken his eyes off you the entire time, it was a little uncomfortable how good he was at holding eye contact, but maybe that's what the point of making it so strong, was to make the other uncomfortable.
Or maybe it could've been unintentional, it was clear why it was one of the reasons your coworkers commented it on it and called him 'weird' or 'creepy.'
It didn't make you as uncomfortable as it would've others, it was normal to feel that way in Hawkins Labrotory. But when it was Peter who was making this strong of eye contact, it didn't seem that uncomfortable anymore. His eyes were so angelic and his hair seemed perfect in the horrible light, almost like there was a halo around his head.
It felt almost like you were losing yourself in him, like the way you'd lose yourself in the pages of a book, or a masterpiece of a drawing that someone would spend day and night on.
Maybe because in your eyes, he was like a masterpiece drawing, he was beautiful.
The both of you were just glaring at eachother now. It wasn't awkward, it only would've been if you told yourself it was. You learned a long time ago about how it worked that way, your mother had told you.
"That was so awkward.." You spoke quietly, walking out of the doctors office with your mother.
"It was only awkward because you had told yourself it was." She replied, walking to the car that your father was waiting in.
"What do you mean?" You looked up at her as she suddenly stopped in her movements and looked down at your 13 year old self.
"It was only awkward, because you told yourself the tension and the interaction was awkward." You were still confused.
"If you don't tell yourself when something is awkward, you won't feel so anxious or uncomfortable anymore." And then she continued back in her tracks.
you were only 13, so you still didn't understand what the hell she was talking about, and even now you didn't really understand. She'd worded it in a way were it sounded like she thought awkwardness was just an illusion of the human mind.
Sometimes your mother would be very smart with her words or explanations, and others it seemed like she just didn't care enough to hear you talk about how you felt, or she just wasn't sure how to explain something to you.
It was now that you realized that you still didn't respond, assuming that's what he was waiting for, there weren't any words that were forming out of your throat, and lunch was about to end anyways so you just stood to your feet.
"Lunch is about to end, maybe I'll see you tomorrow." You spoke quickly before exiting, he was watching you the entire time, of course.
--ĂâĽď¸Ă--
It was now Training of the next day, the children were lined up against the wall whilst they waited for their turn to use their powers on a ring a bulbs that was implanted in the floor infront of a metal chair.
It was currently 002's turn to attempt to light the glass bulbs, You walked up and placed the headset onto his buzzed scalp.
You felt your skin grow warm with how close in contact you were with him as a visous anger grew deeper in you for him. And for a split second, you were thinking of what it would've looked like if you killed him right then infront of everyone.
When you finished placing the wiring on his head you quickly walked away back in your spot at the corner of the room, clamping your hands behind yourself as usual.
You glanced over at Peter, and he was quick to look back over at you, but it wasn't like he darted his head over at you, it was slow and calm. Maybe that's what was off-putting about him that people didn't seem to like.
It was sort of assuring to see him be slow and calm, almost like he was tired, or maybe just burnt out, whether it was mentally or physically you didn't know, but it was sticking out to you.
He was good at masking how tense he was and how much he hated everyone here, as were you. Maybe he could see through you too and that's why he had spoken to you yesterday.
He seemed to take a liking in Eleven though, he was sitting next to her and talking to her a few days before she'd spoken to you, which is why you were curious as to whether if it were his doing or not.
Brenner had forced Eleven to go next by brainwashing her with a piece of fucking candy. A piece of candy she clearly could've cares less for, she was so obviously scared and uncomfortable. Her powers weren't as strong as the rest of her siblings.
Peter had went up and placed a headset on her stubble hair, unnecessarily fixing the front of her headset. He'd whispered something to her, why would he have done so right infront of everyone in the room? infront of Brenner? He was practically asking for the punishment room, but why would you care? it wasn't you who would be tortured later on.
It was her who had you do that stupid puzzle with her, you weren't the one who came up to her asking to solve a puzzle, she just up and decided randomly to ask you to solve one with her. after almost 2 weeks of her just eye-balling you.
--ĂâĽď¸Ă--
It was now a week later, and todays training was different from anything else they've done before, Peter's been interacting with Eleven more, and it's quite strange.
Regardless of all the rumors of how strange he is, this was one of things you did find weird, why has he started randomly started interacting with her? What was he telling her?
Brenner proceeded to draw 2 circles with white chalk onto the lominum floor as he spoke.
"For today's lesson, we are going to play a game." His voice was mutated to sound kind with a plastic smile on his face. It was a relief that these children didn't understand how powerful and cruel he truly was, but it was also so fucked in the head that he would do this to any of them and act like some big teddy bear and like this was okay.
It wasn't, obviously. But it just pissed you off so much, and it only made things worse when you'd remind yourself there was nothing you could do about it. It started to feel like every passing day it felt more and more like you were living in an insane asylum.
You used to think about escaping from time to time, but now you full on fucking fantazied it. you truly were starting to go insane, who wouldn't though.
002 was beating all of his opponents, and then it was Elevens turn, and when Peter finished tying on her blindfold, he wasn't very quiet to whisper "Good Luck" in her ear.
This started to seem tedious to you, what the fuck is he telling her? what if he's attempting to brainwash her just like Brenner? Though you told yourself multiple times you could've given less of a shit about these kids, there was a part of you that felt protective over Eleven.
Almost maybe like a motherly kind of protection? Though it wouldn't matter, there's nothing you can protect her from because both of you live in danger. She just isn't aware of it.
To your suprise, Eleven beat 2, she had slammed his body against the mirror behind him, leaving it cracked, he was shaking and looked at her with fear But he'd get his revenge soon, and you were sure of it, whether or not he'd be successful in getting away with it was yet a mystery. Because he's gotten away with it before, you've seen it yourself.
You could still remember it like it were yesterday, when you had to monitor the cameras.
"You're weak, and useless. You don't deserve to have the place as papa's favorite.." His voice was hushed and filled with rage.
"I-im sorry.." Eleven was so young at the time, her lip was trembling and tears were forming in her waterline.
"I'm gonna hurt you, for having what I dont.."
"please d-don-" But before she could even beg him further to spare her, she was already being pushed around the room, into tables and on the floor.
And then they left her there, crying.
Why they were all in there? was never answered, but she shouldn't have been in there by herself with 002 in the same building as her.
But the small amount of guilt you felt for her on that day still lingers. 002 stumbled to his feet and sat with the other children.
"It looks like we have a new winner." Brenner spoke, Eleven seemed shocked and nervous at the same time, but at this point it seemed like nervous was just a normal feeling and vibe to get from her.
--ĂâĽď¸Ă--
You were back inside the breakroom now. Holding a bottle of water you most likely weren't going to drink. And Peter entered the room too, but this time was different.
"Miss L/n, may I speak to you, alone?" His tone sounded pleadful and curious.
"We are alone." You answered firmly, but he didn't respond he just continued to stare at you, and then that's when you glared at the camera in the corner of the room and sighed to yourself.
Standing to your feet and walking over to him, you didn't trust him or his motives regardless of seeing his feelings. it was how everyone felt about this place.
He took you inside of a small broom closet that seemed like it was never entered anymore, he closed the door behind himself and you just stood there.
He faced you and smiled lightly at you, but you were careful go examine him.
Your grandmother always told you to keep your head up and seem serious, men would take you seriously, especially if you'd show you didn't have a care for them.
And throughout your life, it mostly worked, but Peter was already here when you came here 2 years ago, so he probably would be smarter than that.
"How would you like to escape with Eleven and i?" His tone was excited but quiet.
"What?" You were in pure shock and weren't even sure if you heard him correctly, but you did your best to keep a straight face.
"I've been speaking with Eleven"
"I've noticed that." You kept your voice ferm and serious, you didn't want to agree with him, maybe if you kept this conversation with him, you'd be able to seek through his true intentions.
"And I've told her about how she deserves to escape this horrible place."
"Are you fucking insane?" You blurted out, you didn't mean too, it was just the first thing that came to mind.
Was he fucking insane? what the hell was he doing tell an 8 year old to escape the place she's lived in and only knows as good? what else has he told her?
He completely disregarded the question, which was appreciated on your end.
"I've got a plan set out for her and I, and I know you hate it here, Y/n."
"You don't know shit." So maybe he could see through you too, but this couldve still be a trap regardless, a trap to get you into trouble or become his little minion and do whatever he wants you too.
"Don't I? I've seen the way you've glared at Brenner and 002."
"You look at them the same way, It's not just them either, don't think I didn't know you couldn't keep your eyes off me either Ballard." You felt someone outraged that he would just randomly propose this to you, he didn't even know you. Maybe he didn't have too, though.
"The same goes for you, are you going to join us, or no." His voice sounded serious now, and after a few moments of just staring at him, you could sense this man was infact serious.
"..When is this happening exactly?"
"Tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" You looked at him like he had actually lost his mind, and maybe he did, but whats so wrong with that?
It's not like you had your sanity in tact with you anymore either, so if he's crazy then you can be crazy together surely.
"Are you joining us, yes. or no?"
"..Yes."
Part of you was mentally cursing yourself out for agreeing, you still didn't trust him, fuck no. But at least you just got a free get out of jail ticket so.
--ĂâĽď¸Ă--
You felt anxious in the rainbow room, Peter was nowhere to be seen all day, and you felt hazy, your vision felt blurry and eyes sore, but from crying.
Your breathing was shaking and so where your hands, you hadn't gotten anxiety since your freshmen year of collage.
You remembered the uncontrollable fear that was tensing throughout your veins, you used to get that same feeling when Brenner would have his gaurds shock you until he felt as though you'd had enough.
When you were barely breathing and laying on the floor like an injured kitten inside of a box that no one cared for.
Eleven was at a coloring station, she checked the clock and then stood to her feet, making her way towards an orderly and leaving with him.
You soon exited the room aswell, going down into the basement where Peter had instructed you to meet him.
'I'm going to be free, I'm going to be free. I want to get revenge, I want my revenge. I want Brenner to feel the pain he caused me.' Your mind raced as you walked down those steps and soon saw Peter waiting for you.
'I want him dead.'
"Hey." You spoke, walking up to him
"Hello, Eleven will be here soon." You didn't respond after that, instead just leaned against the wall next to him, picking at your fingers.
Soon Elevens small body was heading down the stairs, you stood up straight as she looked for the both of you, bumping into Peter.
"Shh, follow me." And then the both of you were following after him as he took the both of you over to a small drain, atleast, that's what it had looked like anyways.
He was able to convince the small girl to escape through the pipes, explaining how they worked.
"They lead out into the woods, when you get out of here you need to run, do you understand me?" She seemed extremely scared and shook her head no.
"What about you.. and Miss L/n?" Her voice was shakey, like she didn't want to leave him, gosh what kind of things did they have going on? what was he telling her before?
"Well be following you shortly after you escape, I promise. we promise."
Eleven looked over at you to confirm his promise, and you simply nodded your head, and she was quick to squeeze herself into that tunnel.
The both of you rose to your normal height, and he smiled at you.
"How are we getting out of here now?" You asked him. there was boredom in your voice, but that was just natural now, when in reality your anxiety was bolting throughout you.
"I'll show you, it'll be fun." He smirked and grabbed your hand, running out of the basement with you, and once you two exited, the alarms were already blarring, they must've discovered that Eleven was gone by now.
Everything was happening so quickly your brain didn't have much time to process what was going on, but the next thing you knew, Peter was slaughtering everyone in sight.
There was blood splattered all over the walls and floors, this answered your question.
"Are you fucking insane?"
Yes. this is his way of saying yes, Part of you felt absolutely terrified of him and wanted to run away, but there was another, stronger half of you that felt raged and viewed this as the both of you getting your revenge.
You didn't freak out, or runaway, or feel scared of him, because he let you do the honors of killing 002, and you made sure it was agonizingly slow and painful.
And then off you two went, escaping, running as fast as possible, feeling relief, and free. Feeling a smile that was stretched on your lips as you ran, feeling the wind all around your bodies and fresh air in your nostrils.
You were finally free at last.
#peter ballard#peter ballard x reader#peter ballard x you#peter ballard fluff#henry creel fanfiction#henry creel x y/n#henry creel x reader#henry creel#001 fluff#001 x reader#stranger things 001#001#jcb roles#angstish#peter ballard angst#angst with a happy ending#beginner writer
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Sorry if this one is a little bit personal, but how would the Riddlers react to you coming out as autistic? I was diagnosed when I was really young and everytime I've told people, I've been immediately socially ostracized, no matter how hard I try, so I kind of want some comfort. Also thank you and I hope you have a nice day!!
I'm sorry to hear that people have been lame to you, but just know that in this town (e.g. my blog) we show love to all people đ
Unburied - That's cool, he says kind of sing-songishly. Don't be fooled, he really is intrigued by this development in your character. To him, it's just something that makes you that much more interesting, more of a puzzle to solve.
ZY - Really? Oh, that's going to make this new friendship very stimulating. He likes having to work for an answer. Too often, people are dangerously easy to read. But you? He's going to take his time trying to figure out every angle of you, for better or worse.
Dano - Hm, thank you for telling him. He thought he could sense some kind of special connection between two people with similar experiences. btw, if you choose to tell him about your past trouble with social groups, he has immediately taken it upon himself to relieve your anxiety whenever possible. He will now stick up for you till the end.
YJ - Oh, you are? He didn't see that coming. I MEAN! It's fine that you are! He likes you better since you are! NO! That's not what he meant either!!- He just thinks it's cool to be around someone who sees the world a different way. Maybe someone who will see him a different way? cries
Gotham - Ah, I see, very interesting. Filing that one away in the "Things I Know About My Friends" cabinet. Like with most things, he wants to hear everything you can tell him, about your experiences, tendencies, etc.
BTAA - Finally! Someone who isn't just going to hit him with the same dumb questions (Why riddles? How'd you come up with your name? What's your show size?). He's gotten so bored with the general population. He welcomes your presence with open arms! Please! For the love of everything evil, say something that will make him have to think about an answer!!
Arkham - Join the club! I mean, he was never diagnosed (blame that on a very poor childhood), but I think most can agree that there are some indicators in his general behavior. He also finds difficulty in engaging in social interactions, so that's something you two can bond over. Right after you hand him that wrench and make it snappy.
BTAS - At first, it's not something he thinks about too much. Just another aspect of your character to consider. But then he realizes that you're different and in a very delightful way. You see his puzzles differently. Finish his games in a different way. Look at things from vibrantly new angles. And suddenly, he wants you around all the time when he's up to his newest scheme.
Telltale - Interesting, and what does that mean? He's not trying to be an asshole (even if it looks and sounds that way). He wants to hear from your mouth what that means for you. In his own strange and standoffish way, he's trying to get to know you better. Whether that's for your or his benefit is yet to be seen, but ya know.
#riddler#the riddler#edward nashton#edward nygma#unburied!riddler#capullo riddler#zero year riddler#paul dano riddler#dano riddler#young justice riddler#gotham riddler#btaa riddler#arkham riddler#btas riddler#telltale riddler#riddlerverse hcs#Skye
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I just got told my anxiety and depression weren't real, is there a punishment for this?
Because of my own view that punitive justice is at best misguided and mostly useless (we know punishment doesn't really decrease recidivism) and at worst a tool of state violence, I've never really developed any punishment spells.
Genuinely, I think a person who feels so comfortable invalidating other people's struggles will soon find themself in a hell of their own making, if they aren't already there. Few people are going to want to associate with someone who does this, and the ones who do will mostly be other people who feel comfortable invalidating people's struggles. You can imagine how that's going to play out when they experience some actual distress and want to reach out to one of their friends for support.
And if you ever really look at the blogs of people who invalidate or demean other people's struggles, it's often pretty obvious that they are some of the most miserable fuckers around. You might find them complaining about their "fake friends" betraying them or find them trying to overcompensate for their wounded egos.
It's also been my experience that the more miserable an asshole gets, the more they double down on their bullshit. They don't see their misery as a sign that they need to change something about themselves. They see it as a sign that they're the world's biggest victims.
Coming at this from the understanding that the best way to prevent recidivism is actually education, I think the best thing that could happen to them is that they could learn some valuable knowledge, like depression being attested in pre-modern literature (often under the name "melancholy" or "melancholia") and real scientific research very much supporting the existence of anxiety and depression in general, plus learning that whatever belief system they're in that tells them that these things aren't real is all a bunch of horseshit.
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This is such a weird area for me to be in... I stepped away from RAMCOA spaces for some time due to life circumstances. I was glad for stuff like the discord server I got into originally with legion as it's been a place that I actually feel safe taking about my trauma in but a lot of the shit coming out about Legion has soured me to all of this. I did find out stuff about my own trauma, stuff I know is true and have worked through in therapy.
Seeing people talk about worries people were pushing them into thinking they'd been around others or had experienced traumas they didn't makes me worried we may have in part made people feel that way. Anyone who was in a specific area when we were we wanted to know if they saw us because we were so desperate to find others to tell us we were right. And we did eventually actually find someone we had known off and on, but really it was dumb luck- and beyond that incredibly reckless and dangerous. I don't blame any of the people there currently but for a period of time there was just.... sort of a culture around trying to find others and spending a lot of time and energy on that which I understand but should have also been stopped sooner than it was.
I just feel so weird about everything coming out and how things are going I don't know how to feel and I just... idk it's weird. It makes me second guess myself more even when I know that what I did experience in my own case was true. Legion never had any say on my traumas either, because I never was involved in anything she was. But it still makes me worried. It's basically just... anytime conspiracy theorists end up damaging the perception of RAMCOA survivors it further makes me shut down and question myself even when I'm working on starting a legal case. I also now have a large amount of anxiety and paranoia around the idea that it may be possible that Legion could have taken some of our vents since we had been off of tiktok so long we would have never noticed them claiming our life story as their own. And that somehow makes me feel the worst out of all of this.
Hi anon,
I've gone through something similar-- questioning my memories and history after being around someone particularly unsavory -- and I hate that you're going through it too with Legion.
What helped me the most was getting away from social media spaces focused on RAMCOA/OEA/OSDDID, which it sounds like you've already done. I needed some time to myself to truly untangle what was mine and what was not, to get back in touch with my own system and my own experiences without input from others. It was difficult but worth it. And it's good to hear that you were able to work some of this out in therapy!
I think another thing to remember is that echo chambers...are echo chambers. It's really, really easy to get into the rhythm of these spaces and it just becomes this cycle of people convincing each other of things. I think it says enough that you're aware of / wondering about whether you may have pushed someone into thinking a certain way. At least with the way you've written this ask, you don't sound like someone who would have done that intentionally. You sound like someone who got caught up in an echo chamber during a vulnerable time in your life.
As for being worried about Legion having potentially co-opted your vents or your story...I'm afraid there's nothing anyone would be able to do about this and I know, for me, it wouldn't be helpful to worry about whether or not I had missed a TikTok post where they had claimed part of my story or co-opted one of my vents. Sure, you can take it upon yourself to look through all their posts, but they've also deleted so many of them over time, and had other accounts...not sure how helpful or healthy it would be to spend a lot of time thinking about that, although it's understandable that it would be concerning.
I told another anon that their trauma is theirs no matter whether or not Legion is a bad person. Your trauma is yours regardless of whether or not Legion has tried to co-opt it somewhere.
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hello. i could really use some advice. i'm autistic and my last friend cut me off a while ago. i felt like she didn't like me anymore and she'd deny it when i asked but finally admitted it. that's not even the first time something like that has happened. i'm really lonely and i want friends so badly but i always end up getting ghosted and i've developed terrible social anxiety because of it. i've only ever received positive feedback from people, i've been told i'm kind, polite, and fun to talk to. i encourage communication and boundaries. but i still end up getting ghosted or cut off. i feel so worthless. i don't know how to cope with this loneliness when i want friends more than anything and also not how to feel like i'm worthless because i don't have friends.
thank you.
Hello, dear!
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Relationships can be so complex, and loneliness is one of the hardest things to navigate. In my experience, when a person receives positive feedback but loses friends repeatedly, it is an issue of compatibility, not behavior. It is hard to grapple with the fact that some people will not want to be our friends when we have done nothing wrong. We cannot convince these people to like us, and we should not change ourselves arbitrarily to fit their needs. If you are talkative, be talkative. If you are straightforward, be straightforward. Always strive to be kind in your actions, and accept responsibility when you are not. If you are doing all of this, anyone who doesn't stick around isn't meant to be in your life. While it feels impossible sometimes, we all have people who we will click with (and they will click with you!) Finding them can be hard, but giving up is harder in the long run. I recommend seeking out spaces that are aligned with your interests, being yourself, and accepting who reaches out to you. Don't waste time chasing down friends who don't put forth any effort, instead look for the spaces where someone will. Join local groups and attend community events. Online communities can be a good option too.
I am autistic, and so I understand there is an added layer of isolation when you struggle with the layers of social complexity and ableism. It has always been difficult for me to deal with the feeling that some people have secret social rules I violate, leading to them leaving me behind. I will be told it wasn't me, but nonetheless, I will feel punished for it. This feeling is not a sign that you need to change. While it is hard to work through, it is important to accept ourselves as we are and seek people who understand us. Neurodiverse inclusive or oriented spaces may offer relief. Who you are and what makes you happy are beautiful, and the goal is to find those who appreciate it not erase it. Do not give up on yourself. In the times where you do not have friends, focus your energy on exploring what makes you happiest. Go do things you reserve as "friend activities" by yourself, it's fun! Engage more deeply in hobbies and interests you've missed. Journal, explore and care for yourself. In time as you blossom in confidence you will be able to find joy no matter how your social connections shift throughout your life. You are enough all by yourself, and you do not need anyone to make you good.
Nonetheless, you will always have a friend here. Take tender care!
Evan
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My AuDHD rant;
I realised something recently.
So I got diagnosed AuDHD (autistic and ADHD for anyone who might not understand) in 2023. Since my autism diagnosis, I've read up on what autism actually is and how it's impacting my life.
I bought a book from Amazon by Devon Price, Unmasking Autism, and I've only made it to like page 50 in a year, but I've still learned a lot that should've been obvious from the beginning. For instance, that people are different. Like, yeah, no shit, no one is the same through and through, but to me, the biggest difference between people were certain opinions like views on racism, homosexuality, human rights etc. Mostly things that matter to someone else, and not one self. However, from Devon's book, I realised that autism *is* a spectrum, I *am* a person, and just because I have *this* autistic experience, doesn't mean my AuDHD friend has the same, or Devon, or my family members. Like an opinion, autism is not black and white; it varies vastly from person to person and I am one of them. I look at black and brown people as people, whereas my brother sees them as objects; something owned, replacable. I look at non binary as a valid gender identity (also might be bias because I am non binary), whereas my mother thinks of it as confusion, lack of masuline or feminine figures from early life stages.
I also finally started to understand that I, as a person, have an innate right to be me. I have a right to stim when stressed, I have a right to decide myself what helps me regulate and when I need it, and I have a right to voice my discomfort with people, situations, feelings. I have a right to be angry, upset, sensitive, sad, offended, excited, nervous. I have a right to be me. After understanding what masking means, and that I have been taught to highly mask who I am, I realised that I'm not just being sensitive, or childish, or rude even. I have been traumatised from masking, pushing myself too far. I'm burnt out from having to consider everyone else's comfort above my own; to shield my mother from stress caused by me; to respect my brother's privacy and toys and not get angry whenever he didn't towards me; to stop complaining about my bullies at school; to stop being 'boring'; to not get upset if someone overstepped boundaries; to not get so angry if my fork or spoon was dirty and I had to use something else. Sure, some of these have actually been reasonable in some cases, but for the most part, I have only been me.
The fact that I had to start this journey by myself, against literally everyone's opinion, is so stressful to think about. When I first figured out I was depressed, my mother said I was overreacting. When I realised I had social anxiety, I was told to not self diagnose. When I first suspected ADHD when I was 15, I was told, again, to stop self diagnosing online, and that the fact that I scored like 80% on multiple self tests over a prolonged period didn't matter because the internet lies and all of these things are normal. Then in 2021 I started to get spammed with autistic experiences across all platforms, I decided to ignore it all because I'm only self diagnosing and overreacting again. It didn't matter that I related to every single thing I heard, it's normal. Everybody feels this way at one point or another. ADHD is climbing walls, autism is being retarded and throwing tantrums, anxiety is isolating one self at all times, depression is just being sad. In 2018 my therapist literally said, and I quote, "Depression and anxiety are just symptoms. They're nothing to worry about, it's not dangerous," and then proceeded to advance on me. He wanted me to go, alone, to the mall at the most busy day of the week to "expose myself". This was our first session. Needless to say, by the time he wanted this to happen, I was no longer his patient. We had three sessions total.
Before getting diagnosed, I had six psychologists, two social workers, nearly twenty school nurses (yes, nurses; not visits), a handful of friends (four, to be exact) who disappeared and got replaced, one parent, a long history of physical, verbal and emotional abuse both at home and at school, from my age and adults, extremely isolated, chronically online from the ripe age of 8 (around 2010), extraordinary IQ for my age to quote my first ever nurse, nearly 50% absence each year which worsened year by year, dangerously high empathy to the point I literally attempted suicide from someone else's feelings, great grades despite no homework and constant daydreaming, abnormal sense for languages and music, not once a normal or healthy eating habit, and much more. No one ever even suspected autism. I was never the stereotypical hyper kid, so I don't necessarily blame anyone for missing ADHD.
I can understand my mom not catching on considering her level of stress, and pure lack of information, but from the insane amount of healthworkers I've been in contact with? For twenty years no one ever took me seriously. I had to have an unhealthy long list of reasons I thought I had autism, traits I related to, every psychologist I'd ever been to, why I started going to them, what we did and talked about, why we stopped, how helpful I found our sessions, and even proof of why I wasn't just traumatized. I tried to see an ADHD specialist in 2021, to which, by the way, my doctor advised me against because I can't tell anyone I suspect ADHD since no one will take me seriously. I was denied even an interview because they deducted I, literally quoting, had daddy issues. When I wrote a letter complaining about their lack of professionalism and why I meant they should at least get me an interview, they replied saying I hadn't asked for this to go to their superiors so my case was officially closed. I never tried again because I was so sick of not being taken seriously. In 2022, my doctor figured I needed more professional help. He referred me to another psychologist. They never got back to me, so the national backup plan reached out and set an interview with me where I told them about my mental health situation, my history in the field, why I was referred and what I expected from them. I was then forgotten for half a year until my school nurse at the time helped me call them back and sort things out. The next week I had my first session with a private psychiatrist. Within a month, I was diagnosed with autism, the next 7 months were mapping out my traits and symptoms as well as regularly filling out a form of ADHD based statements to see if it was just a mood or a consistant topic, in November I was diagnosed with ADHD and for the next three months we experimented with medicine. I wound up hallucinating from all of them, and by March 1st this year (2024) we were done. One year with her lead me to two long expected diagnoses, one new medication and a new outlook and perspective on my life and health. With these, I've now started the process of being permanently unemployed with benefits.
If one person, at any point in my life, didn't view me as a victim and rather a whole person, I could've avoided so much stress and unnecassary burn out. I could've already been in a much better place, but instead I'm still trying to piece together the puzzle of myself and how I can best get the help I need and proceed with my life as disabled. I have five unfinished years of upper secondary (college for y'all Americans). I could've only gone through one and been better off, but to be able to get to where I am today, I *had* to go through the dehumanizing struggles and depressive episodes. I had to be completely torn to shreds to the point I almost got diagnosed with psychosis from the permanently damaging stress from school. I had to fail five years and drop out from exhaustion and reaking of failure to have my primary doctor take me seriously. I had to have a social worker with me for him to see that all the trauma I've been through, has, in fact, settled in my body, so he could finally give me reassurance through the Fibromyalgia diagnosis in May 2022. I had to be seen as batshit crazy. I had to prove to tenfolds of professional health workers that I do think there's something not working the way society wants me to work. I had to be persistent all my life for anyone to think that maybe I do have a point. And you know the most heartbreaking fact about all of this? I'm not the oldest going through this. There are people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 80s finally being taken seriously and looked upon as human. There are well grown adults, even elders, finally understanding why they have been ostracized, dehumanized, exhausted, stressed, in pain all their lives. My mother, who turns 60 next year, only found out through me being diagnosed, that maybe she too has ADHD. This would explain so much of her struggles, both from herself and from society. The expectations put are inhumane and nearly impossible to hold up, and they keep getting worse.
To be a genZ and see older generations belittle us for speaking up and saying enough is enough is so enraging. Being called sensitive for not tolerating racist jokes, sexist remarks, priveleged behaviours, or inhumane political opinions just goes to show that humanity has failed as a species, and we *need* to change that.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talks. As a final statement, I'd like to speak on behalf of all autistics across the world with this; do not comment "is (he/she/they/it) accoustic?" if you, yourself, are not on the autism spectrum. It is so incredibly rude and disrespectful, and if you get angry whenever someone tells you so, you are the problem. Also, Asperger's is offensive. It's autism. Thank you, Goodnight.
#asd#autism#adhd#audhd#actually autistic#actually adhd#neurodivergent#neurodiversity#neurospicy#understanding#expectations#actually audhd#gen z#mental health#actually mentally ill#psychology#disabled#disability#autistic things#actually autism#personal rant#rant post#sorry for the rant#neurodiverse stuff#diagnosis#nonverbal#neurodivergency#adhd problems#adhd brain#adhd things
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warning cringe venting/rambling about stress and trip planning and hair under the cut
I had a total breakdown after work yesterday
like...dry heaving sobbing into my knees on the floor kind of breakdown
not about the hairâŚok yes it was about the hair but not entirely, I've been stressed about a lot of things and the hair change was just what finally set the emotional bomb off
I've had a crapload of anxiety about my trip for weeks (which looking back now I've definitely been suppressing too much, and that was a mistake) bc it's my first time flying/traveling alone, and overseas to boot
Thinking about stuff like, will I forget some crucial papers/tickets/passwords etc and be unable to do fun stuff, will I have a panic attack on the flights despite my meds, will I have some freak accident and end up in hospital over there, will my cat still like me when I get back, will I fit in with enough of his other fans. Will i come back the same person or changed for the better, or for the worse...they all scare me equally.
And I worked my fucking ass off in order to be able to afford everything I'm going to do without going into a ton of debt. Which really did a fucking number on me mentally.....but for almost a year I've told myself it would all be worth it, bc I'd be overwhelmed with joy when I *finally* see that beautiful bowlcut boy in front of me, just as I was filled with joy when I first saw him peeking out of that box
I planned my trip under the loose assumption that the album would be out (or almost out) by this point and I'd be able to celebrate that with people. I got even more excited for this after BĂśle bc I figured that was the template for everything going forward, and I loved everything I saw-I loved the staging, I loved the new songs, I loved his outfit, I loved the almost bird-esque styling he was doing with the front of the bowlcut
But now....I don't know what the actual fuck he's doing.
I'll be on the (first) plane in a little less than 48 hours and I just feel like the universe is playing some sick joke on me - in less than a week he's gone from someone I would abandon feminism for (I joke) to Some Guy I would be actively avoiding at public events (based on a few unfortunate past experiences with individuals who resembled this, not entirely a joke). Not his fault, I know, and nothing to do with his actual personality of course, which Iâm *well aware* is lovely. But that's my reality đ¤ˇđťââď¸ and itâs incredibly jarring and not in a good way, and sure as hell not at a good time
And as I said itâs not just about the hair, I feel sick thinking about how much time and money and effort I've put into planning things - esp. gig outfits which I was basing off of the purple/green suit.....and I don't even know if there was any point to that now, bc is he even going to wear it? Again, not specifically *his* fault. But Iâm miffed, to say the least.
It feels so incredibly rare these days that I can share a deeply passionate long-term interest with others. I feel like this whole...thing has been a perfect example of how much I struggle with FOMO....with feeling like I'm always left behind. And even when I try my hardest to catch up I can never quite make it before people have moved on to something different.
I know my reaction seems way over-dramatic to some but I just gently ask that you imagine how I feel watching countless people essentially drop by Finland on their free weekends or time off to see him once, or twice, or three times, or five times, or twenty freaking times over the past year, while Iâve had to move heaven and earth for the chance to see him even once (and I'm not trying to generalize, I know for various reasons a lot of you have also been unable to see him still, and I really hope that changes soon <3 especially if you *do* like this look)
The point is that I just wanted to experience the âclassicâ Kä ONCE! I didn't even plan on going to multiple shows until it became a thing for Summer Camp!! Just ONCE! He could copy the Daltons and go bald after that for all I care!!
He's 100% allowed to style himself however he wants - if I weren't in the *very particular situation* I'm in I'm sure I would be more open to the change although I still hate this particular shade of blonde and think there are much better options but whatever.But Iâm allowed to be disappointed when Iâve spent literal thousands of dollars-and will be spending more-to make seeing him a reality. I've had so much bad luck and bad timing already this year and this just took the freaking cake. And again that's not *his* fault, I know. But fuck, am I sad. I just wanted something, anything to go according to plan for me this year.
I know I'll still have a great time - I'm excited to meet and hang out with everyone, and I'm excited to do touristy things and Iâm still excited for all the great music Iâm going to hear. I'm just venting now bc I don't want to be such a downer when I meet everyone in person.
....now watch me completely clown myself if this really is just for Traffic and he goes back to black in a couple weeks - and I will so very happily wear that clown suit lmao, you can all buy me one if you find one
#I honestly would have much preferred to lose the bolero over the cut lmao#also if you think smoking is hot that's great and I'm so happy for you :)#unfortunately where I'm from it has been considered neither hot nor âcoolâ for over a decade and that's just how things are :)#and yes Iâm perhaps a little biased#considering my best interactions with smokers have typically involved them harassing me :)#or dumping their still lit cigarette butts right by my bike tires when itâs parked outside at work :)#or at my feet (bonus points if they spit too) :)#the nicotine itself is not actually the problem :)#itâs the *culture* of ciggy smokers around here that makes it so unappealing :)#but you do you :)#and if whatever tf he's doing has grown on you I'm also very happy for you#and I sincerely hope I can join you sooner rather than later#i'm just not making any promises#not tagging him so no one has to look at my horrendous bullying/s
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hey cas,
so, i dont really know exactly how to word things right so please bear with me while i try to explain a bit.
i think i have bipolar disorder (or something similar, im still looking into things), but i dont know if im just going crazy and imagining things. theres not really anyone in my life i can talk to about it to gauge their opinion, so im kind of left by myself to deal with it.
i dont have a trusted adult or loved one i can go to for help, and ive not been to a doctor since probably 2017 at the latest so im not even sure who id be making an appointment with to discuss anything like this. ive considered trying to get myself into therapy but im afraid that if i go in saying that i think im bipolar and have other mental illnesses (im about 99% certain i have anxiety and likely some sort of depressive disorder too, but that might be more linked with the mood swings of bipolar) that its the wrong way to go about it? like, i might just be really ignorant but i dont think thats how therapy works is it?
basically im worried that if i go in saying the disorders i think i have, then theyll tell me im exaggerating or that i need other people to back me up or that i do need to see my gp doctor (which, again, i dont actually think i have one) or that it isnt my place to try to diagnose myself etc.
im not really sure what im asking here? maybe if you have any advice/experience about what therapy is actually like or what i could expect? or a better way to go about getting help? i really dont know honestly aha, sorry
Well, you've definitely come to the right place lol, I've been to and ghosted many a therapist! (Don't ghost your therapist!)
Actually, recently I started therapy again and it's been a great experience, so let me tell you about it. Warning: I live in the US, so if you live elsewhere, it might be different.
When you start therapy, they're going to ask you a LOT of questions. Lots about your background, your childhood, your feelings, etc. It'll feel a bit invasive, but make sure to be honest! Like brutally honest. Like if you're like...'I might be feeling this way but idk if I'm faking..' tell them that. They need to know everything.
Then, if you're a minor, they'll talk to your parents and get their insight. If you have issues with your parents, make sure to tell them that BEFORE this part happens, so they can take what your parents say with a grain of salt.
Last, they'll give you a 'tentative diagnosis.' This means that this is what they think you have, but it's not a die-hard medical diagnosis. They'll treat you based on this, but if you ever wanted accommodations in school or anything for it, you would have to go to a clinical psychiatrist to get it written up.
Here's the thing: the diagnosis my surprise you or even make you feel invalidated. If it does? Tell them that. Because, two things: One- they may have gotten something wrong. Or two- they need to know if you aren't understanding something fully.
To be very personal, I am diagnosed with both depression and anxiety. When I started therapy recently and again got those diagnoses, I wasn't surprised. But I also was told I have 'illness-anxiety disorder' which is the new term for a hypochondriac. I was super insulted because I was picturing the stereotypical hypochondriac who fakes illnesses for attention (this was uneducated of me) but my therapist explained that this version of anxiety more means that I have a lot of anxiety related to being nervous to get sick or the results of getting sick. Which was like- oh. yeah. I do panic every time someone sneezes on me. My therapist said this has become increasingly common since COVID.
All this to say it sounds like seeking out therapy might be a great way for you to get the answers you're looking for. But even if they're not the answers you think they'll be, remember that your feelings and experiences are still extremely valid and no less real.
<3 <3 <3
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donât answer if ur not comfortable but how do u differentiate truly having a harmful paraphilia from intrusive thoughts abt it? im someone who has intrusive thoughts abt 2 out of the big 3 as well as other sexual things that canât be done morally and i often stress that that means i am a paraphile (ik thatâs a broad term but i donât like specifying which ones yknow).
to my understanding, non offending big 3 paraphiles experience with their attraction seems similar to intrusive thoughts because they cause distress and such, so i guess im wondering abt where the distinction lies? i also find the psychological aspects of sex and sexuality interesting in their own right so beyond my own concern iâd be interested to learn cuz itâs just really fascinating
thanks dude!! :)
No worries at all anon! This is a HUGE SpIn of mine and I'm always happy to provide any perspective, even if I'm not a professional and all that.
The biggest distinguishing factor between an intrusive thought and a regular thought is if it's voluntary, and if the thought is welcomed or wanted. Intrusive thoughts are out of your control and often incite feelings of revulsion, disgust, discomfort, fear, anxiety, or rejection. They are thoughts that you want OUT of your brain as soon as possible. When you talk about paraphilias, the waters can muddy a little.
Paraphilias do not necessitate that the thoughts are unwanted. This may be true of paraphilic disorders, wherein the patient experiences clinically significant distress over their paraphilia (this doesn't necessarily refer to one of the big three!), but it's not inherent. A lot of paraphilic fantasy rejection can come from internalized shame due to outside social stigma and personal morality... but so can intrusive thoughts. There's no clear cut distinction between the two due to how much influence society has over our thoughts and how we respond to them, HOWEVER, you may want to consider looking into something like POCD.
POCD, while not an officially recognized diagnosis, is a subset of OCD that specifically centers around pedophilia. There exists also ZOCD (zoophilia OCD) and NOCD (necrophilia OCD), however POCD is by far the most well-researched out of these. POCD involves obsessive and/or compulsive behaviors regarding proving or disproving if one is a pedophile, such as through intentionally exposing themselves to distressing imagery on purpose or engaging with intrusive thoughts related to children. More often than not, people with POCD don't end up having any paraphilic attractions at all-- they are worried about the concept of being a pedophile and if they'll enact tangible harm, not grappling with actual attraction.
I've struggled with POCD for some time now, but I'm fairly confident in that I don't have any attraction to IRL children. The extent to which I'll engage with my thoughts is in fiction, and even then, it's more of a curiosity as opposed to something that's a consistent turn-on-- which is in direct contrast to my other paraphilias which are much stronger and carry with them less internalized shame, and more externalized fear over being harassed, abandoned, and/or doxxed. I don't experience fear over IF I'll offend, because I'm confident that I won't under my own circumstances. But this is something that can vary from person to person.
Some potentially helpful further reading:
r/OCD also may be potentially helpful! Plenty of people on there have talked about experiencing zoophilic, necrophilic, or pedophilic OCD. Just type one of those words into the search bar and you'll probably find someone who's going through the same thing.
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hello
not sure if you're already taking requests, but if so can i request something about kit walker being in briarcliff please?
thank you :)
đłđ¨đŞđ˛ đśđ đŻđśđˇđŹ - đ˛đ°đťđşđśđľ đžđ¨đłđ˛đŹđš
"I donât know how much more of this I can take..â
(swearing, asylum stuff and mention of the mentally ill.)
LOW USE OF THE WORD âY/Nâ
â˘â˘â˘
Kit sat in his cell with his face down, thinking of how he was ever going to be able to leave this asylum. He was starting to lose that positive mind set of his, but who could blame him? Imagine staying in asylum for weeks, having unnecessary surgeries and constant beatings. Anyone would be pessimistic.
Then he started to think about his wife, Alma, he wanted to believe she was still alive but it was clear as day that she wasnât, based off of what he remembered about that night. It was still all a blur to him and unbelievable. So far, since heâs been in here, heâs made a few friends. The one that really was on his mind was Y/n, he often thought about her a lot.
They both stuck together, theyâve tried finding ways to leave and aided each other when it was needed it. After while, he caught feelings for her but he wasnât sure if she felt the same way. Knowing that he had a person in here who would care for him and help him was reassuring, at least there was some comfort.
But she hasnât been doing well, either. She was depressed, her anxiety was through the roof and she also felt like she wasnât gonna make it out alive. But if she did, this experience would haunt and traumatize her forever, Kit too. It honestly was hell for everyone.
Kitâs hand slowly grazed over the scar on his wrist, those cuffs, he thought to himself. They made sure to put those cuffs on him tight, and when itâs happening everyday, youâre bound to have a few scars on your arms. Plus, Kit was constantly being taken to Dr.Ardenâs room for whatever sick experiments Arden wanted to perform on him.
And Y/n...well, just say, she was getting her fair share of pain and suffering, too. She's had to go through things that would give a person nightmares. Kit sighed and looked up. "Why?" He said to himself. He knew that no one was going to answer his question, but he always asked anyway.
He laid down and thought about the times when he was happy, the times when he was free. Itâs a shame that now he could only think about the past and not the future, it was the only thing that made him feel happy.
He heard footsteps coming closer to him, but it was more to the cell next to him, he wasn't sure if it was the warden or doctor but he was pretty sure that it was neither. Then he heard a female voice, it sounded like Y/n, he wasn't sure, though. He then heard the sound of the cell door closing, it sounded like someone got locked in.
He decided to call out, just to make sure it was her.
"Y/n?" He called.
"Yeah?â She said, tiredly.
"IâŚI just wanted to make sure you're alright." He replied, feeling a sense of relief now that he knew that she was okay.
"I'm fine, I guess, considering the fact that Iâm in a place like this." She replied. âHow are you? You don't sound good."
"I'm okay, I just..I donât know what to do anymore. I mean, we haven't found a way out of here and I've been through so much and, I just feel hopeless. Like there's no reason for me to keep on trying. What's the point if we never find a way out?â
"I've had that same thought, Kit, and I think the same thing, but we can't lose hope. I know that this place is full of nothing but pain and torture, but we need to keep on hoping that there is a way out. We need to have a reason to keep on trying." She reassured.
"I want to believe that, but I'm not so sure anymore. It seems like weâre not getting out of here."
"Don't say that, Kit. There's no need for you to have a negative mind set, because you're never gonna get anywhere by thinking like that. Remember when I lost faith and you told me that we can't give up and I believed you, but now you're giving up. We've come too far to turn back now. We've been here for a long time, so let's just keep our head held high and we'll get through this. Together."
"What if I don't get out alive? What if something happens and I can't get out?"
"Thereâs always a risk..but thereâs a chance that we could get out. Just don't let it consume you, don't give up hope."
"I can't do this." He said, his voice starting to crack.
"Yes, you can, Kit. You've been through so much in your life, why give up now?"
"Because, I feel like there's no reason for me to stay strong. Everyone thinks Iâm just some murderer who can't feel any emotion."
"Kit, listen to me.â She said.
Kit stayed silent, waiting for her to speak again.
"You are not a murderer. I donât believe you killed those women, it all just doesnât make sense. You're a good person and I don't believe you did it. And no matter what anyone says, that's what I'll always believe. Because you're a kind-hearted man, you're not a murderer. Don't let their words get to you."
Kit stayed silent, trying to take in her words, trying to believe what she was saying.
"Thank you." He said. "For sticking up for me, you've been so supportive and kind, I don't know where I'd be without you."
"You helped me, Kit. You're a good person, and I want to see you out of here."
He smiled, even though she couldn't see it. He felt a bit better, knowing that there's still hope. âWill you please just..try for me, Kit? Try not to give up. It's hard for me, too, but we need to stick together, I'll be here for you, always."
"I promise." He replied. âIâll try.â
â˘â˘â˘
sorry if itâs not what you expected, wasnât sure what to put.
#ahs#ahs fandom#ahs murder house#american horror story#evan peters#kit walker#kitsonwalker#ahs asylum#kai anderson#austinsommers#maxcooperman#jimmydarling#jpm#james patrick march#rory monahan#malcolm gallant#kylespencer#stanbowes#todd haynes#colin zabel
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