#but also I know lots of other people do that so like idk

[daegu-based-terrorist]

I think a lot of people misunderstand why we talk about both racism and anti communism when discussing anti north korean sentiment. I do understand why people don’t think the racism aspect is all that important to emphasise, after all Samsung Republic is probably the north’s greatest detractor and the most vile anti North Korean scumbags can all be found on this side of the DMZ.

However I think it’s also a failing to not recognise that alot of the anti North Korean sentiment that comes from outside of Korea utilises anti Korean racism.

(South) Koreans are a great example of the “model minority” * huges swaths of our popular culture has been exported and deliberately changed for the consumption of the white westerner. Koreans in the American diaspora have often taken to becoming members of the petty bourgeois, and for some reason, doing this. South Korea is a hyper capitalist military state and uses Korean culture as a product to be sold to casual enjoyers and fetishists a like. New developments in popular tourist cities may as well cater towards the white expat/tourist’s gaze. Korean Americans have delighted in and actively encouraged the proximity to whiteness they gain by being neither black, native american or one of the “bad asians” (south, west ect.)

The dprk, and by extension, it’s people, destroy the shaky foundations all of these myths are based on. So despite being the same ethnicity, North Koreans aren’t given the privilege of proximity to whiteness, or treated as if they are almost honorary Europeans.

The Korean of the north is still a uncivilised dog eating animal who doesn’t know what is good for them and should either be saved by the benevolent American army or put out of their misery if the first option fails to materialise.

If we were to overthrow the ROK government today and reunite with the DPRK under the current North Korean government, South Koreans would be treated with as much vitriol as those of us from and/or in the north.

Because as affective as anti communist propaganda is, the fact that white people already viewed Koreans as docile, unintelligent people, really helped in promoting the idea that North Koreans are unable to think for themselves or have any sort of agency/autonomy.

Idk. I’ve been awake for two days straight and feel like I’ve written this weirdly so please as for any clarification. I’m exhausted lol

* (now please correct anything that I say wrong here, I’m not American so I’ve only understood this threw literature and the stories and anecdotes of other Korean comrades)

[a-spes]

Hi I was rereading devious lies and I was thinking ab if nat and yn were to meet again and everything, yn would have the biggest trust issued ever. First her best friend took advantage of her and ruined her life, then the ones she considered family turned their backs on her without even letting her explain her side, and ofc how her lover shouted in her face that she's not welcome there anymore and how yn shouldn't even talk with her anymore ever. How the last time the team looked at her it was with anger and dissapointment That and also from the first part where she herself admitted to feeling like a stranger amongst her once friends and family.

Idk what you have in store for us for when you're feeling better and out of the writing block that you're currently experiencing, but I can't wait to read it. Take as long as you need, we're here!

˚ 　 ⋆ ⁺ ₊ ✦ ⁺ ₊ 　 ˚ 　. ˚ . 　 ☁ . 　　. 　 ˚ 　⁺ ₊ ⁺ ✦ 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖘𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖘 𝖎𝖓 𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙𝖘 ₊ . 　 ˚　. ✧ ⁺ ✦ ₊　 　 ☁ ˚　 . ⁺ ₊ ✧ ˚　 . 　  ˚　 ⁺ ₊ ˚

₊ ⁺ ✦ ₊　 　 ☁ 　˚　 . 　⁺ ₊ ✧ ˚　　 . 　  ˚ ˚ 　. ☁ ˚ 　. ˚ 　 ✩ ₊ ˚ . ☾ ⋆ ⁺ ₊ ✧   　　˚ ⁺

˚　 . ⤳ DEVIOUS LIES — Bonus part, 'the scars in our hearts' (6.280 words).

⋆ ⁺ ₊ ✧ ⤳ SUMMARY — Anon request — “ It has been years since the events, and when you eventually got the chance to go back with them, you thought everything would be the way it used to be. except it wasn't. three years, almost four, is a lot of time, and the people you used to know and the building you called your home do not feel the same anymore. Maybe you've been gone for too long to hope to find a place in their new life. ”

. ☁ ˚ ⤳ TAGS & WARNINGS — Natasha Romanoff x Reader, Avenger!Reader, Female!Reader, Other Avengers x Reader (brief mention of them). Bittersweet, (kind of) angst with comfort. Self-doubt, mental health issues, mention of bad coping mechanisms, toxic relations.

˚ . ⤳ MOODBOARD ⊱⋆⊰ MASTERLIST ⊱⋆⊰ TO SAY SOMETHING ✦ Part one. Part two. Part three. ⊱⋆⊰ the scars in our hearts.

˚ 　 ⋆ ⁺ ₊ ✦ ⁺ ₊ 　 ˚ 　. ˚ . 　 ☁ . 　　. 　 ˚ 　⁺ ⁺ ✦ ₊　 　 ☁ ˚　 . ⁺ ₊ ✧ ˚　 . 　  ˚　 ⁺ ₊

You’ve been told that you just needed a bit of time to adjust, because you come a long way, but they didn���t say how long ‘a bit of time’ was. So the months passed, they soon became years, and if you’ve still made no progress, you kept hoping. Every day, you repeat yourself that you only need ‘a bit more of time’ and that, soon, with just a little extra effort, everything will eventually be fine. 

Except that you’ve never been a patient person.

They made it sound easy. They made you believe that everything would go back to the way it used to be in weeks, and you’ve fallen for their sweet words because you were craving for them to be true. You have dreamed of that moment, and every day you’ve spent far from them was spent thinking about the day they would ask you to come back. It is a little fantasy you’ve been holding on to for the past few years, but the tears, hugs, and excuses you’ve spent hours to imagine never became a reality. No, you only got silent glances.

It has been almost three years since you came back, and it still wasn’t enough. Sometimes, you think about letting go of that dream of yours, the one that makes you believe that things could still get back to normal, even when nothing was —; but how could you do something like that? How could you possibly think about abandoning them again when they’ve been willing to give you a second chance? You weren’t ready yet to accept that the home you’ve been longing to return didn’t feel like it anymore, at least not without first trying your hardest to make things right. Thus you kept pushing yourself a bit more everyday, at the cost of your health — which seemed a very small price to pay in exchange for the feeling of being at home again.

Two years is not a lot of time in a human life but these years still felt like an eternity to you, and you’ve never been so aware of how long they have been as when you came back, realizing the gap that had opened up between you and the others. Your life has fallen apart that day, leaving you with such small pieces of yourself that you weren’t able to rebuild on your own —; but them? It is as if they’ve lost nothing. They’ve spent those two years building a life in which you’ve never existed, one that you are now supposed to find a place in. Every day is just a painful reminder of what you have lost, and will never get back despite your hopes. Your dream slipped away just when you touched it with your fingertips.

You have to accept that you are not a part of the system anymore, you are just the pebble that derails the machine, and that ruins everything —; but you should be used to it, shouldn’t you? To that feeling of shame and sorrow that your heart has been carrying for years, that feeling of failure and permanent disappointment.

Some nights, out of habit, you push the wrong door, and you find yourself in the room you used to share with Natasha. Once full of life, it had now become austere. Yet, there is something comforting about being in that room full of old memories, it is a bittersweet feeling that’s both like a heartbreak and a warm hug. You've never been much of a drinker, or at least you've always been careful enough not to get wasted. But you’ve made an exception tonight, because everything seemed to be too much, and you wouldn’t have survived the party if you hadn’t drowned everything in alcohol.

It is the way they kept laughing that got on your nerves, jealousy rising inside of you every time a new joke was told that you couldn’t understand “because you weren’t here” —; but Wanda wasn’t here either, and yet, she laughed along with them, why? Because she hasn’t lost her place with them, she is still a part of the family. They promised that they would tell their stories and explain their jokes later, because it was too long to do it now, but you were aware that it was just a lie to give you the impression that you weren’t on the sidelines.

It wasn’t very effective.

They spent the whole night telling stories that you couldn’t understand and sharing jokes you couldn’t laugh at, and while they remembered things that you didn’t have a chance to live by their side, giving you an overview of all the things you’ve missed, you were silently sitting on the couch, trying to ignore the knot in your throat. You didn’t even try to take part in the conversation —; what could you possibly have said anyway? You are not sure they would have wanted to hear about how miserable your life was when you were gone, how lonely and desperate you’ve been during these years. It would be an admission that you missed them, needed them.

Instead you kept your attention on the bottles of alcohol, at least they would never let you down —; that’s the advantage when the parties are organized by someone like Tony: you will never run out of booze. You were so uninvolved in what was going on around you, that you missed the worried glances that Natasha and Wanda shared, and they didn’t need to talk to understand each other, to know that they both had the same concerns.

Everyone does, but you’ve made it clear in your first few weeks back that you didn’t want their pity. There was no comfort in the way they looked at you and, quickly, their presence became too much. They were always there, never letting you completely alone despite the appearance and trying to meet your needs before you could even ask, pretending that they knew better than you do —; but they don’t. They have no idea of what you need, because how could they when you’re not even sure yourself?

The loneliness you’ve asked for isn’t more comforting, but at least it comes with familiar feelings, some that you’ve learned how to deal with the past few years. On the contrary, you still hadn’t gotten used to their presence, and you had no idea of how to deal with these contradictory feelings that were starting to grow inside of yourself. While a part of you wanted to lean in their embrace, the other rejected their overwhelming affection. A way of protecting yourself that won out, taking the form of uncontrolled anger and, after days of being yelled at and random objects being thrown at their faces, they’ve eventually got the hint that they should let you alone.

They’ve given up on you —; but that’s exactly what you wanted, isn’t it? 

You can’t be sure, but you are trying to convince yourself that it is better that way. You’re not worth the trouble, and they definitely can’t spend all their energy trying to save you when people are actually dying outside. You would be fine, you would get through it —; right? Because that’s what you’ve always done, and there is no reason that this time would be any different —; you are strong, with or without them by your side. You just need a little bit of time for your scars to heal and then, everything will be back the way it used to be. 

Except that, despite the appearances, those thoughts never really left your mind. Sometimes, you think about your return and what would have happened if they hadn’t found you that day —; maybe everything would have been easier. For you, sure, but also for them. You are not even sure they would have accepted your return if they had a choice —; you wouldn’t have. At least when you weren't there, there wasn't that constant tension that now reigned over the tower, one that followed you into every room you set foot in. 

So you’ve made a decision —; you would rebuild yourself without them. You would make a new name for yourself, a new life, even if it means leaving them behind. There is this growing will deep inside you, the one that feeds off your anger and jealousy, and it’s the one to get your revenge. You want them to suffer as much as you have, to realize what they’ve done, and regret every of their actions. You want them to crawl back at your feet, begging for your forgiveness because you are tired of being the only one to make efforts.

You have waited so long for them to say or do the right thing, but the moment has never come because they can’t possibly understand your situation, let alone knowing what you really need to get better —; how could they when you ignore it too? Nothing feels right anymore. You have tried a lot of things but nothing works. Your life is now like a jigsaw puzzle whose pieces refuse to fit together. There is no way to make things go back the way they were, you could only keep on pretending. 

And so you did, locking yourself into a routine. Each day you alternate between training, going on missions or attending meetings, leaving yourself little free time. This hectic schedule has the advantage of allowing you to avoid the presence of others and keeping you from thinking too much while making you more efficient —; it is perfect, isn’t it? It is, most of the time but, some days, the illusion falters, and the facade you’ve built shatters, revealing the truth you are trying to hide.

That’s how you found yourself stumbling into your old bedroom, the one that now smells of dust, desperate for some comfort and familiarity. You didn’t even make it to the bed, falling miserably asleep on the carpet —; you didn’t have the strength to get up when you tripped over your own feet, too drunk to take more than a few clumsy steps.

⊱ ★ ⊰

There is only one person in the team who is willing to give you the space you asked for without agreeing to give up on you yet —; and it is Natasha.

You may not notice it, but the woman has always been here for you since you came back to live with them. It must be said that her gestures are minute, almost imperceptible, but they always manage to draw a slight smile on your lips without you realizing it —; she was perfectly aware that if you knew it was from her, you would start hating on those little things that made your daily life at the tower a little sweeter.

She is the one who always accidentally cooks more food than she needed, making sure there was always a portion waiting for you in the fridge. She is the one who makes sure that your favorite cutlery is always clean. She is the one who buys your favorite flowers to put them in the common room’s vase and never lets them fester. She is the only one who has taken the time to make you feel at home with a bunch of details that are so insignificant that you’ve barely noticed them.

But at least it helped soothe the guilt her heart carried, because these actions are proof that she was fulfilling the promises she had made to you a long time ago, in the secrecy of the night, under a starry sky, whispered words that has been immediately blown away by the wind —; “I’ll always be there for you,” she had said. “Promise?” you’ve asked, your eyes full of hope. “Promise,” she had replied before your lips touched, sealing the contract.

One she broke years ago, when she dragged you out of the tower without letting you a chance to explain yourself. The woman is perfectly aware that flowers and some meals won’t be enough to earn your forgiveness, but she still made it her mission to look after you from afar —; because if she doesn’t, who would? You don’t let anyone get close to you, and the others haven’t looked any further, giving up at the first sign of trouble. She doesn’t blame you for not trusting her, or the other members of the team, she just wishes that you would accept at least one of their helping hands. 

But you’ve rejected everyone. 

Even Wanda, with whom you seemed, at one time, to be getting on well which had given the redhead hope. Those hopes had been shattered the day you violently pushed the witch away without any clear explanation, and the woman blames herself for that, for not knowing what to do in order to help you —; because she should know, right? That’s her role, the promise she had made years ago.

If she can’t, if no one can, what will you become?

You may be able to fool everyone, including yourself, into thinking that you are fine, but you won’t get her to fall for your little tricks. She knows the truth. She can see it in your fake smiles, she can read it in your tired eyes. She knows you by heart, she hasn’t forgotten those years spent by your side, and she has become a master at spotting your bad habits and the sublet signs that accompany them. 

So, tonight, she couldn't have possibly missed how firm your grip has been on the bottles of alcohol, nor how quiet you've been the whole time. But it is only when she saw the door to your old bedroom ajar that she understood the extent of your pain. You were hitting rock bottom, you would have never set foot in this room full of memories otherwise. She knew this because she, too, avoided it like the plague, and hadn’t dared return in it since that day, not even to empty it. For five years, it had remained the same.

The woman is willing to give you the space you asked for as long as you are taking care of yourself, it is the silent promise she made, but it is obvious that you have failed to do so lately as she has seen you slowly falling back into your old habits. The ones she thought you had left behind, the ones she had helped you to overcome years ago. She is ready to accept that you could build a life without her, it is a cost worth paying if it’s the one to your happiness, but you haven’t built anything lately. Nor have you been happy, and she couldn’t bear anymore the sight of you destroying yourself, again.

The redhead is tired of the situation. She is annoyed that everyone is playing your games by pretending that everything is fine because it only encourages you down this dangerous path, one that may cost your life one day. She is angry with anyone who takes the easy way out, because it is obvious that it is easier to act as if all that history belonged to the past rather than acknowledge their mistakes.

At first, she had agreed to play along, but it was only because she thought that it was what you needed and that, when you were ready, you would talk to them. Except that it has been a bit more than two years, almost three, since they brought you back, and you still haven’t told a word about it. The woman didn’t know how long she would be able to put up with your silence on this story and your obvious discomfort.

But it seems that the sight of you asleep on the dusty carpet of the room you once shared was the last straw for the woman who decided to step in. You are probably going to hate her tomorrow, but she doesn’t care —; she is not even sure you could possibly hate her more than you already do. She would rather know that you are safe, even if it means losing you a little more so she decides to call your name multiple times.

It is the sound of her voice who wakes you up. It doesn’t matter how deeply asleep you were because you can’t ignore her when she practically screams out your name, and you are inevitably roused from your slumber. When you opened your eyes, a growl escaping your lips to signal your displeasure, all you could see was a blurred figure with red hair that could only belong to one person. One you could recognize anywhere.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked, a mixture of annoyance and concern tinged her voice, but you weren’t aware enough of your surroundings to notice it. Maybe if your hand hadn’t been so heavy on the alcohol, then you would have noticed the tone of her voice.

‘I am sleeping, can’t you see?’ you grumbled, but as soon as the words escaped your mouth, the frustration was replaced by a laugh —; this question was stupid, you realize. Isn’t she supposed to be a trained spy, and one of the best, too? Then why couldn’t she see what was right in front of her? Something that obvious? 

Maybe she doesn’t know either because your question is followed by silence. Her only answer has been to sigh and pinch the bridge of her nose. It was going to be a long night, she already knew it, but wasn’t sure she had the energy to deal with that.

‘Come here,’ you said when the woman didn’t react. Your words were accompanied by the gesture of grabbing her arm in order to pull her toward you, the woman losing her balance because of the surprise. 

Since she had found you, you had never asked for her presence. On the contrary, you had rejected and hated her. At best, you would tolerate her presence, but only when your job didn’t give you a choice, and so this sudden change in your behavior disconcerted her, especially the laugh that escaped your lips when she fell on top of you —; it is a sound that she has never thought she would hear again. So pure, so sincere.

‘Get up,’ she coldly says, not amused at all by your little games. If circumstances had been different, she probably would have found your attitude endearing and stayed a little longer in your arms. Except there was nothing healthy about this sudden closeness after months of hatred, so the woman immediately got up, inviting — ordering — you to do the same —; the sooner she puts you to bed, the sooner she can get back to hers.

Tonight, she had no patience. The woman was exhausted, and frustrated —; you weren’t the only one to suffer from the situation. She knows that your clinging state is just an illusion, the result of the alcohol you’ve ingested, and that the very next day you’re going to hate her again. If she wanted nothing more than to believe everything would be okay now, and to find comfort in your arms, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Not when she knew she would lose it all again at sunrise. This scene is only a chimera, a reminder of what she had lost several years earlier as the result of her own actions.

If anything happens tonight, you would both regret it. Nothing can come from the actions of two tipsy and exhausted people. Except that your mind wasn’t clear enough to realize it, and all you could think about in that moment was how you were craving for Natasha’s attention. You wanted her to wrap her arms around you and whisper that everything will be fine now, because she is here. You wanted her to promise to never let you down, again. Even if it is a lie. Even if, one day, she will abandon you again —; because that’s what they all do despite the promises, isn’t it? At that moment, you didn’t care about the lies, you just wanted something to hold onto, just an ounce of comfort.

‘I caaaaaan’t,’ you whined, but you didn’t even try to do so. When you stretch out your arms towards the redhead, she gets the hint that you’re expecting her to help you, which she does. The woman knows how stubborn you can be so she grabs your hands and pulls you on your feet, sighing.

Except that you seem to find the idea of testing the limits of her kindness particularly amusing because you make no effort to pull yourself upright, or to stand on your feet —; or maybe you were just that wasted. You’re barely standing when you fall forward, leaving no choice to the woman who has to catch you before you hit the ground.

‘Got you,’ you whispered, a grin on your face, when you felt her arms around your waist.

The thought of dropping you crossed her mind, but all she did was to playfully roll her eyes. The woman should be annoyed by the situation —; right? But how could she when you are so adorable? It has been a long time since she last saw such a peaceful expression on your face. Your eyes were half closed, you looked as if you were about to fall asleep in her arms, and there was a faint smile on your lips. You seemed so content, nestled in her arms with your cheek pressed against her chest, that she hardly dared to move, fearing to break this well-deserved moment of peace. For a moment, it was as if nothing had happened, and the sorrow on your face had dissipated, giving way to a childlike insouciance —; a sight that made her heart melt.

You are the one who broke the silence first.

‘I’ve missed you..,’ you whispered. A confession so unexpected that the woman is not sure if she had understood your words. When her eyes looked down, searching for yours, you hadn’t moved, your eyes still closed. It was almost as if you hadn’t spoken, and that the words had been nothing more than a figment of her imagination. 

‘Me too,’ she softly replied and, maybe, if you had opened your eyes at that moment, you would have noticed the tears that clouded hers — but you couldn’t do that, because you don’t want her to see the tears that you are trying to hold back, right? The one that would just run down your cheeks the moment you open your eyes. 

‘Please, stay with me tonight,’ you asked —; no, you begged. You’ve lifted your head until your eyes finally meet hers, both were shining with the tears that threatened to fall —; you are the first one to give in.

The mere thought of Natasha leaving you was enough to shatter your last ramparts. You have just regained her embrace, you don’t want to be forced to leave her now, not after so many years of hoping to regain the comfort you thought you had lost forever. You have been too stubborn to admit that you needed help, and so you’ve spent years pushing everyone away, thinking that you didn’t deserve their affection. It has been so long that you can’t even remember the last time someone held you this way, with such delicacy and care.

It gave you hope. The one that, maybe, for at least one night, things could be the way they used to be —; just tonight, or even just a few hours. You just want that moment to last a little longer, you don’t want to spend another night alone in your bed, in your cold and austere bedroom with a depressing atmosphere. You want more than that, you want a reason to stay, a reason to try again, and to get up tomorrow —; you want Natasha back. You want your old life back.

Except that the woman won’t give in. It is not that she doesn’t want to, on the contrary, she shares the same wishes that you, but her mind is clear, and she knows that nothing good would come out of it —; you can’t get back to what you used to have. You can’t change the past, nor can you pretend it doesn’t exist.

‘I can’t..,’ she softly replied after a second of silence that marked her hesitation, ‘you know that baby, we both,’ she added, the nickname naturally escaping her lips when she noticed that more tears were threatening to fall from your eyes. 

She wants to say yes, you can read it in her eyes, hear it in her silences —; then why doesn’t she say it? Why does she keep pushing you away when you are eventually ready for her to be back? Isn’t what she has wanted when she spent all those months begging you to accept her help? It is, but she didn’t want it that way, she didn’t want to take advantage of a moment of weakness on your part. She wanted to earn your forgiveness, to show you that you could trust her again, and if she had to work every day until she dies to achieve that goal, then she would do it. 

‘Why not?’ you immediately asked back, ‘you are here, and so am I, and- and our bed is waiting for us,’ you started rambling. You couldn’t speak clearly, the words racing through your head as you tried to convince her, but you knew it was a losing battle. You were so desperate that your hands clung tightly to the fabric of her shirt, as if it could be enough to stop her from leaving. ‘Please,’ you begged once more when she didn’t react. At this point, your voice was nothing more than a broken whisper, ‘just for tonight, we could pre~’ 

‘Pretend that nothing has happened?’ she softly asked, finishing your sentence, and all you could do was nodding. ‘But you know we can’t do that baby,’ she said, hating the way you were looking at her with so much hope, as if you thought that one night in her arms could ease all your problems —; but it can’t. It won’t. 

As she talks, one of her hands tucks a lock of your hair behind your ears. The touch is so gentle that you can resist, and lean into her embrace. The feeling of her hand caressing your head leaves too soon for your liking. 

‘Sometimes, I wish that we could,’ you replied, ‘that I could either forget everything, or go back in time to make everything right,’ you confided in her, sharing your thoughts with someone for the first time.

The words have barely crossed the barrier of your lips that you crumble, because you realize that this wish will never come true. You can no longer hold back your tears, you can only hide your face in the hollow of her neck, hoping she won’t see those. Only, each of your sobs shakes your body so violently that anyone could understand your state in one glance. The woman doesn’t know what to do so she cautiously wraps her arms around you and cradles your body in an attempt to sooth your sobs —; it’s the least she can do.

‘You’ve done nothing wrong, love, nothing was your fault,’ she whispered, and you can hear that her voice is feverish —; she, too, is holding back tears. She can’t bear to see you like this. ‘I am sorry, so sorry,’ she added while she rocks you slowly. Those words weren’t for tonight, and how she had to refuse your proposal, but they were for everything that has happened since that day. Those excuses were for all the things she has done or said since but, most importantly, for all the things she didn’t have the courage to do and the ones she couldn’t. 

⊱ ★ ⊰

The following morning, you’re woken up by Jarvis, his voice echoing through the room, terribly loud and impossible to ignore. A grunt escapes your lips, you were hoping for a few more hours of sleep —; or best, for an eternal slumber. The night before, like the rest of the team, you went to bed late, and the quantities of alcohol ingested are definitely not helping with your condition because you were the victim of a terrible headache. Only, it is impossible for you to ignore Jarvis’ voice. He has been calling your name over and over again for several minutes now, trying to get the attention you are trying to not give him —; but even with your hands covering your ears, his voice would pierces your eardrums.

‘You are not answering me, miss y/n,’ he stated the obvious, ‘do you want me to warn the others that you are sick? My sensors indicate tha~’

‘Please, Jarvis, shut up,’ you mumble, still managing to be polite despite the rising frustration, and you really hope it will be enough for him to leave you alone —; but anyone who knows the AI knows that these hopes are in vain. 

Nonetheless, you have to admit that he is right about one thing: you are not feeling so good —; but who would after attending one of Stark’s parties? He always says that if your head is not sore and your throat is not burning the next day, then you haven’t enjoyed yourself enough. Surely you have enjoyed enough to last a lifetime, although you are not naive enough to swear to never touch a bottle again in your life. Yet, you’ve thought of it for an instant, the lingering nausea making you regret your actions because it gave you the unpleasant feeling that you might throw up at any time.

God, you were weak. So weak that everything was feeling too much right now, even the faint sunlight making its way into your room —; it makes you want to bury yourself alive to avoid all these sensations, and to die. Except you can’t because you have a mission that is scheduled for today and, if you don’t show up soon, they will come looking for you, which is the last thing you want. You have spent weeks preparing for that, you definitely can’t let them down now, especially not because you are just too stupid to know your limits.

You have abandoned them once, you won’t make the same mistake a second time. They won’t be so forgiving this time, no one forgives someone who does the same mistake twice —; no one gives a second chance to traitors. It has been several years since you came back, but you still feel like you are on probation and you need to prove to them that they can count on you. You can sense their hesitation to trust you, even though they insist that everything is fine —; pretending that everything is the way it used to be. It is their new favorite game, but you hate it. Y

et, you don’t have much choice but to play by their rules.

‘Are you sure? Becaus~’ 

‘I said, shut. the. fuck. UP!’ you yelled, not giving him to finish his sentence, already reaching the limits of your patience, ‘what’s so difficult to understand in those two words?’ you growled in frustration, and you can’t help but throw a pillow at the walls. The gesture is useless because it doesn’t even manage to ease the tension you feel, nor does it convince Jarvis that he needs to stop talking because he starts lecturing you about your actions. 

Actually, the only way you have found to shut him up was to get up and join the others for breakfast. Fortunately, only Tony and Steve were there. They are the ones you are going on mission with today, and that’s what they were talking about before you entered the room.  Even though you would rather stay alone, talking about missions is something you can do with little effort because it is easy. You need your brain, but you can turn off your emotions. You do not have to worry about saying the wrong thing or how to avoid an uncomfortable silence. It is familiar, and comforting. It has been a while since you've been sitting at this table talking about something else —; when you are not talking about work, you stay silent. It seems that you have forgotten how to interact with them during those years. 

As they go through the details of the mission one last time, you are playing with your breakfast, not interested in the oat flakes floating in your milk, nor in their voices that forms a dull hum in the background, their words not even reaching your ears —; because you are thinking, your eyebrows furrowed with worry. Except that your state isn’t caused by the reasons they think it is, neither the alcohol nor the mission are in your mind, only a certain spy with whom you shared a moment last night. One you would rather forget because the simple thought of the thing you have said, and done, is enough to fill you with rage and embarrassment.

‘Hi to the moon, here the earth,’ Tony said, snapping his fingers in front of your face to get your attention, ‘were you even listening to us?’ he sighed, but you don’t notice any annoyance in his voice. Only a sickening worry that you can read in his eyes, a feeling that he doesn’t share and doesn’t hide very well. You hate it, when they look at you that way, as if you could break at any moment, as if they needed to be careful —; but you can take it. You can take everything, and you definitely do not need their permanent protection. 

‘No, sorry, I was lost in my thoughts,’ you admitted, giving him a smile that I hoped to be convincing enough to reassure him.

‘Do not worry, everything is going to be fine, okay? We will be here to make sure of that,’ Steve intervened, trying to reassure you about what he thought was the cause of your worries, but his tone didn’t feel comforting to you. If anything, it made you grit your teeth and clench your hand harder around your spoon, increasing your irritation. You don’t really know why, but Steve has been the hardest to get along with since you have come back, maybe it is because of his seemingly false sympathy. 

‘Thank you,’ you managed to mumble, even though you don’t really mean it —; it was still better than the snide comment that made its way in your mind. You even made the effort to smile, one that anyone could see as fake, but not Steve, because he never really pays attention to the others.

The words burn on the tip of your tongue, and you have to bite it to not shout out to him what you are really thinking. You want nothing more than to tell him that you are as capable as anyone around this table. You have proven yourself over the last few months, succeeding in every mission they have given you, what more do you need to do for them to have faith in your abilities again? Reach for the moon? Because you are ready to do it if that’s the price to pay. You are desperate enough to do anything they would ask. 

In reality, you are not worried at all about the upcoming mission because that is not a possibility. You don’t fail, ever, and if you need to give pieces of yourself and mind in order to complete a mission, then you are ready to do it without flinching. 

No, your thoughts were occupied by something else —; or someone else. Something that was more difficult to manage because there is no guide to follow. This person is Natasha, and the cause of your worries is the moment you shared last night because you have no explanation for what happened —; you thought she hated you, and that you hated her. Aren’t you both supposed to despise each other for the pain you’ve caused? Then why do some of you still yearn for her presence? Why didn’t she reject you and, instead, decided to take care of your mess? This even wasn’t meant to be. The redhead is the last person that should have witnessed you in such a vulnerable state, and yet she is the one you have sought attention from, the only one you needed last night —; and you hate that. You hate how your feelings are still the same even after so many years.

That is exactly why, the second the woman that is haunting your thoughts stepped in the room, you left it, pretending that you needed to get ready for the mission. There is no way that the way you walked out of the room, leaving your untouched breakfast behind you, didn’t bring questions to their minds but you were long gone before any of them could say something.

˚ 　 ⋆ ⁺ ₊ ✦ ⁺ ₊ 　 ˚ 　. ˚ . 　 ☁ . 　　. 　 ˚ 　⁺ ⁺ ✦ ₊　 　 ☁ ˚　 . ⁺ ₊ ✧ ˚　 . 　  ˚　 ⁺ ₊

˚ . ⤳ MOODBOARD ⊱⋆⊰ MASTERLIST ⊱⋆⊰ TO SAY SOMETHING ✦ Part one. Part two. Part three. ⊱⋆⊰ the scars in our hearts.

. ☁ ˚ ⤳ TAG LIST — @cd-4848, @chocolatestrawberrykryptonite, @escapereality4music, @fxckmiup, @gemz5, @jusnough, @m0nsterqzzz, @marvelwomenarehot0, @mrsrushman, @riyaexee, @takeyaki, @taliiiaasteria.

[thrandilf]

"Invert Life and Death"- Aaravos's Plan?

The line about sacrifice in the latest S7 blurb is exciting but I am so about whatever the hell Aaravos wanting to invert life and death means

To me this means we finally have both a motivation and plan of action- destroying the Cosmic Order is obvious, but this was never fully connected to the chaos he's been causing in Xadia. Sure, he was being disruptive, but it was difficult to figure out what his goal was or how his actions were contributing to bringing them down, why it was taking so long, and how Leola factored into long term plans

To start, the quasar diamond can't be used for Leola so let's get that out of the way/if it could be he'd have done it

But if he does something to destroy and/or flip the barrier between life and death, which we just explored a bit during 6x09 and back in Through the Moon, Aaravos could bring Leola back but also kill off the Cosmic Council if he could wield life and death magic on that level

Furthermore, we have the Moon nexus portal, but I also wonder if the Sea of the Castout could be used on a full moon to bring her back if he's done something/stored enough energy to trade lives around

Like, he kills a Cosmic Order member and in exchange gets her back

And there's probably other trades he could do or other ways he plans to take them down and idk details or what pieces have been missing (a True Heart? Terry's heart as a sacrifice?) the Cube?

Leola is also in an ocean of magical tears so like Hello

I don't know but I do feel like I finally get what he wants to do and how it connects both to revenge and getting his daughter back and how getting lost loved ones back and disrupting the life and death balance (in the season we get Rayla back in the Silvergrove OOOOOH) could be really cool, add a lot of lore, and be an avenue to manipulate people a la Claudia 5x09

[hwnglx]

hm i tried my best to explain, he has a lot of different facets to him, so reading for him can get a little overwhelming.. hope it's still a nice read 🤍

jake's ideal type

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

shuffled songs: bored by billie eilish young and beautiful by lana del rey “will you still love me, when i got nothing but my aching soul?”

physical traits

natural and classic beauty. harmonious features. deep and intense eyes. color more on the darker side. (like dark eyes you can lose yourself in) fierce gaze. something strong about their features that makes them stand out, it just catches your eye. face that lights up once they smile. (looks colder in a resting position but transform once they break into a smile) keep hearing “부담스러워” meaning burdenful. in this context, used more in an “intimidating” manner. in korean this can be used for people who have intensity to their look, people you can't hold eye contact with for long. he doesn't have an extremely specific type, just needs to feel intrigued.

personality traits

so, jake likes his partners to have a powerful effect on him. what seems to intrigue him in a person, is “reverse charm” where they might look sweet and innocent, but are much more fierce and savage inside. or look intense and cold, but end up being very soft and sweet inside. someone with a captivating aura, who carries themselves with a sense of mystery. a person he looks at and makes him wonder, awakens his interest like.. “oh this person must have such a different side to them deep down.”

jake also likes it when his lovers can boldly challenge him and his beliefs. he wants someone witty who isn't afraid to talk back at him, change his perspectives. someone whose words and actions linger in his mind, make him re-think his own and in hindsight change and transform him for the better. he wants his relationships to turn him into the better version of himself and to provoke him to discover his best self.

another quality he seems to cherish in his romantic partners, is when they're patient, gentle and persevering. he wants someone with emotional intelligence and empathy for people, who looks after the ones they treasure with great care. he needs someone loyal who won't be discouraged quickly, and remains committed to him through every trial. he seems to be quite self aware, so he knows that he isn't exactly the easiest lover to deal with.. whether that's because of his busy schedule, or his more complicated nature. he wants a person with motives and interests selfless enough to be accepting towards his faults, forgiving towards his mistakes. he wants a resilient person who can encourage him to work on himself. honestly, he seems to like his s/o to have motherly energy. he wants someone who will nurture him, coddle him on some levels, but also give him the tough love he needs to grow.

jake wants a person who puts importance into keeping the relationship harmonious. he'd appreciate a person who can balance him out, in a way where they can complete him in the areas he lacks. for instance, someone much more stable and grounded than him. someone who can be more logical or objective and less impulsive when the situation asks for it. i keep hearing “정신 차려”, which means “come to your senses” or “pull yourself together”.

(note; this insight was interesting because i think he's this case of opposites attracting and benefitting from each other. he could grow a lot from being with someone like jay, who has a stellium in taurus, which is opposite jake's scorpio stellium. idk if they're close but despite unavoidable clashes due to being so so different, they have potential to balance each other out pretty well)

jake puts a lot of value into understanding each other on a level deeper than everyone else. he wants there to be effortless communication between the two, almost telepathic, where they know what the other means even without necessarily being vocal about it. the person who seems to know you so well; they complete your sentences, or know what you're thinking or feeling just by one glance at your expression.

he also seems to like his lovers having this duality in personality, where they can be both; cute, playful and kittenish (someone who flirts in this giggly and coy way), but capable of having meaningful and long conversations about deep and serious matters in life. he does seem to love duality a lot, whether that's appearance-wise or character-wise.

him as a boyfriend

+ jake is a boyfriend who loooves making you feel like it's only you and him in this world. he really values alone-time and deep intimacy, whether that's physical intimacy in the form of quality time, or emotional intimacy in the form of deep conversations. he enjoys zoning in on his partners and focusing the entirety of his attention on them.

sweet aspect; he himself can be very moody, but if you need him to be your source of comfort and shoulder to cry on, he can become that for you. he'll put effort into making sure he wins over your trust and you feel comfortable around him. he wants you to feel safe enough to not be afraid of showcasing your emotions, whether that's sadness, frustration, anger.. he likes to see it all. he does enjoy seeing his lover riled up about him lmao, since to him it shows they're passionate about the relationship. but there is this comforting and warm energy to him, where he's good at making you feel seen, and listened to.

he is the type of boyfriend who will want to stick by your side through all storms. he really values what his lovers have to say. let's say you got into an argument with him; once you've both calmed down, he might sit you down, softly take your hand and deeply gaze into your eyes while quietly listening to your side of the story. he'll want to understand your perspective and your heart.

he can be responsible as a lover. it almost feels like a task to him to fulfill his role as a boyfriend, to make you feel like you can rely on him. he wants to lead the relationship, and make you feel secure. it's very much an equal give and take, since he does seem to enjoy leaning on his partner for security at times as well. evidently, he seems to actually like a balanced relationship with no crazy power dynamics.

- hm, some heavy energy here i don't feel comfortable diving into deeply. but i can sense him realizing he has a habit of so strongly clinging to his lovers, due to abandonment issues. which can be quite common for scorpio placements.. he's scared of being left behind and replaced with someone “better”, due to him potentially not being good enough to stay with. there's some lingering fatigue and emotional baggage from the past he seems to struggle letting go of.

jake can put so much pressure on himself to satisfy his partner. he wants them to feel fulfilled and confident in the relationship and makes it his responsibility. it can weigh on him if he feels like his partner is starting to lose the spark, fall out of love with him, and especially lose their trust in him. he wants his lover to recognize how much he cares about the connection, but is self-aware enough to understand it's his own bad habits and impulsiveness that can stand in the way.

i can see him having bad habits like, having wandering eyes or being too charming and.. complementary towards women, where it can border on flirting. blurring the lines (like in his eyes it wasn't flirting but his partner sees it differently). though i can't see him straight up cheating, “superficial” things like that can still understandably rub partners the wrong way. it can easily cause discomfort, conflicts, miscommunication. this can lead to trust issues on both sides. he can just be a boyfriend who requires a lot of patience.

[iid-smile]

#08 ୨ৎ ⸝⸝ @meidiary ⋆

i think im in luv with u... 😪 mei is a 10/10 guys!! certified cutie ☺️ idk who i was expecting you to pick, but inumaki 😆😆 one of my favs fr! and i was so excited to do 23 for some reason... you're the first one to request it 👏 all of them are headcanons 🙂‍↕️ (tumblr keeps not saving what i put down its stressing me out!!!)

#18 🍓 | protecting you

im sorry, but inumaki can be such a scaredy cat sometimes...

he'd be afraid, but still step up and get in between you and whatever is the threat

doesn't consider his own safety and wellbeing in the process either... he always puts others first, and a little bit of throat pain is much better than you getting hurt

100% mans up against insects because you hate them

gets intimated when he's up against a muscular 6ft guy, but has a eureka moment and uses his cursed speech. easy win

theres also other things he'd protect you from too, like pulling you away from hot oil and flames if you're cooking together. he's got spidey senses (according to him)

the cold is also something he'd protect you from. always makes sure you have a warm coat, scarf, gloves, and everything. i think inumaki really likes earmuffs too, because then he can whisper about how much he loves you and you wouldn't hear a thing

#20 🍦 | love language

physical touch + quality time

a mixture of both

the two of you could lay around for hours, and he'd just listen to you talk as you both cuddle. when you're both into a particular show or series, snuggling in bed when you're both supposed to be sleeping hits different

if you're on public transport or aimlessly walking around, he'll hold your hand, but it's more like he's holding it from behind rather than actual handholding.

silence with him is always comfortable, and you completely tune out from the rest of the world whenever you're with him

gift giving

he gifts you snacks a lot. even better if he specifically gets ones with pink packaging

not the best with fashion but he tries for you. he would buy you a turtleneck just like his but a different colour and patterned

not the best with fashion, but he tries. at first, he'd literally buy you any clothes that are pink, and gets so confused when it's not your style. he gets it eventually, don't worry

matching shoes are a must! not the exact same shoe as you, but the same colour

pranks

not really a love language but aha

he loves it too much when he scares you with bugs, especially ones that fly. craneflies are the worst, because they're relatively easy to pick up and hold compared to flies or other flying creatures

he'll grab it by the leg and chase you around with it. sometimes he'll cup his hands together and pretend he has one because he finds it funny

he doesn't do anything with spiders because you're both scared of them

he actually would love it when you prank him back. scaring him from behind by shaking his shoulders is the best way to get him

#23 🍦 | your romance trope / dynamic

friends to lovers / mutual friends

he wouldn't date anybody he doesn't know well

since you're friends with a lot of people, there's no way he hasn't heard about you, and you happened to meet by chance

maybe coincidentally crossing paths and your extroverted self just had to say hello.

as soon as you both realise you have a mutual friend, the friendship blossoms and grows quick

the way he cares for you is so clear to everyone else except for you, but when somebody points it out, you can tell

sunshine x enthusiastic but silent enabler

inumaki is already a silly guy, and he just gets sillier

the conversations you have are always energetic, engaging and exciting, even with the language barrier, so he's pulling out ingredients that nobody's ever heard him say before. essentially, you're the only two that actually can understand

his energy immediately springs up whenever he gets to hang out with you. he can go from 0 to 100 in a split second, and that needs to be studied

he really doesn't mind how much you talk, since he likes to listen

#24 🍦 | when they're jealous

it's hard to see his face when his mouth and eyebrows are both covered, so you're only depending on the eyes. or if he tells you himself

if he wants to get out of a situation to feel more at ease, he'll tug on your sleeve or fingers

"🤬"

that's literally all he sends you over text or shows you on notes, and when you look over at him, it's really obvious that he's upset. (to you, at least)

will have a whole debate with you on why, how and what he's jealous about. small or big, it doesn't matter

when he gets the most jealous is if you're paying too much attention to something else in general

like, if you're sitting a bit too far to each other and you're on your phone, he'd pull you closer so you'd be right by his side, silently asking for you to talk to him a bit

event masterlist

[solisaureus]

Seeing people compare Will and Nico to Achilles and Patroclus is always weird for me because like. First off, Clarisse and Silena are the obvious intentional parallel. Secondly, there is a very specific reason why Riordan actively chooses NOT to compare Will and Nico to Achilles and Patroclus- way too much bad blood between Apollo and Achilles. I feel like most people are only familiar with Achilles through TSOA and the Hades game, and as such often understate WHY Apollo killed him. And why likening him and Patroclus to Will and Nico is in bad taste.

(Hint: Achilles had been warned in advance by his mother that he would die at the hands of Apollo if he killed Apollo's son. He didn't listen and killed TWO of them: Tenes because he intervened when Achilles tried to rape his sister, and Troilus was a twelve year old who Achilles tried to rape, chased into a sanctuary of Apollo, and beheaded/mutilated him at the altar- it's widely regarded as the worst crime Achilles ever committed. So Apollo killed both Patroclus and Achilles, to avenge both of the deaths. I don't think Will is a fan of Achilles, guys.)

ive never been a fan of fans comparing solangelo to patroclus and achilles either, mostly because it just kind of smacks of....idk, reductionism? just the fact that both couples are greek and gay? beyond that their parallels are incredibly limited and usually kind of a reach. and yeah, skimming over the fact that silena and clarisse are the canon patrochilles parallel never sits right with me either.

disclaimer that i did compare will to patroclus in my fic Solace, as a way to illustrate the role of healers in a conflict, not because it has anything to do with his romance with achilles.

the bad blood between apollo and achilles is also a factor. while i do like the song of achilles as a piece of fiction, it does irk me that it's become defining to many young peoples' understanding of achilles and the iliad. I know it's because it's a lot more readable and accessible than classical texts or academic analyses, so i'm not trying to come off as elitist or condescending. but it does bother me that most young people have this one specific view of achilles as a figure (that he's a sensitive lover who met a tragic fate) when there are eons of history and propaganda surrounding him. I believe that in writing tsoa, Madeline Miller wanted to humanize Achilles by expanding on his love for Patroclus in the Iliad, which is a bit ironic considering that that's now become the dominant view of his story. But tsoa is just one interpretation of the myth of achilles, and it's become regarded as the true, canonical one in pop culture.

I think that what bothers me most is that the popular conception of achilles now is as a fictional character, when what he is is a mythical figure. the difference being that a fictional character is sourced from one canon story and is written by only a few people who determine their canonical traits. a mythical figure is sourced from a culture, and in this case the whole world, and cultural portrayals and interpretations of that figure evolve and change over time to reflect the values of the culture telling their story.

For example, achilles was vilified (and hector glorified) by the ancient romans, because achilles was a young soldier who refused to obey his commander and fight because it conflicted with his ideals. this is something that the romans detested and found dangerous (territory can only be conquered with loyal legions). similar discussions about achilles are had in modern militaristic societies like the united states.

I'm going off on a huge tangent here. I guess what I mean to say is that it bothers me too when solangelo fans make this comparison, because i think it is not fitting with will and nico's characters, and because i have a lot of complaints with the fandomization of mythology. And I know that's rich coming from a percy jackson fan, but there it is.

On the other hand, I recognize that the historical and academic texts written about greek myth and achilles specifically are not nearly as accessible as highly-readable fiction books like tsoa and percy jackson. so while this does personally irk me, I don't think the people who do it are stupid or wrong, because like...realistically, I can't expect the average 14 year old solangelo fan to know about the murder of troilus.

[chevvy-yates]

Sending out kudos to everyone who has shown their love towards Ryder for the past two years.

I love u all very much and every engagement, be it even just a like, means a lot to me.

I've intended to sorta make a cool post of some older vp of him as of today, September 17th, exactly 2 years ago I have created Ryder,— back then as a supposed supportive character for Vijay, very unsure if I would like him as Ry didn't visually turn out as I wanted him to be in the first place and he never went that way either afterwards — yet I find myself writing those lines instead.

I've accepted his look and his imperfection started to grow on me with each picture I took of him. Unlike my other ocs he went his own way leading me along to discover his personality. That's what makes him so different compared to my other blorbos and has me so attached to him.

I did not plan to make him a raver (he was supposed to become an 80s goth punk, a total different style than he's got now) neither that he would end up with a rogue AI controlling him. Only his name, basic info and the toxic family story was planned right from the beginning but that's pretty much it – Ryder showed me the rest of it.

Within the year 2023 I noticed more and more that Ryder has slowly but surly turned out to be my main character.

He turned out to be the most expressive and photogenic one of them all. I don't see him as the prettiest looking either yet he's my most precious and I love every pixel about him.

He's the one thing in my life I am actually truly 100% proud of.

Almost all my ocs exist because of him. They are his support characters. Without him half of them would not even exist. There would be no Thyjs. Even Garnet exists so Ry can live out his passion (that was not really put into the game but exists as lore: Technoise).

I am beyond happy to have created him.

He helps me in a lot of rather personal ways too I do not need to address here.

I got so much to tell about him (also about my other ocs) yet idk if I should continue or not as I find myself stuck with overthinking about it bc of lack of public response literally everywhere (this excludes private chat talks with close friends). Maybe Ryder's too intimidating (not the first time I would read that), his lore gets overlooked easily, or it's to much (confusing) text.

I cannot make anyone force-like him. Tastes are different. Minority is into others oc lore. Less time to read it all. The list is long. I'm aware of it all.

But I cannot underline it enough: do never hesitate to ask me questions about him. He's on my mind 24/7 and my biggest wish is to get this story out and done some day (whenever it will be) and receive some actual feedback on it what was liked.

Just a tiny detail is enough. <3

Another wish I have ever since I joined the CP77 fandom: that people would go back to comment each other more. We all do have little time for it, we all think "oh no so much text to read", we all are in our own bubbles rarley coming out to explore another bubble within this universe. It takes a lot of effort to do. people do seem scared on top to write anything at all for numerous reasons. I have all those problems as well. But I try to sit down and read the one or other lore chunk others wrote down and give a tiny comment as best as I can to make the creator have a smile on their lips. I truly wish we all would do this at least once a week to one person. once a month would be also fine. But if we don't this fandom will be dead soon enough and all thats left is just liking vp with characters on it we know almost nothing about. And maybe even those characters won't have lore anymore bc people stop creating it.

[lavendergalactic]

REMINDER: if you say you hate male/female ships because they're "straight" please remember queer people exist

i've seen a lot of hate towards m/f ships because they're "straight" recently, but have you ever thought that:

they could be trans, making it a queer relationship

they could be bi! making it a queer relationship

one could be bisexual the other could be omnisexual, still queer

they could even both be on the aroace spectrum and still be queer

the list goes on and on and on and on

anyway to lighten up the mood here are some of my m/f queer ship headcanons made in MS paint:

(warning /silly: lots of bisexuals because i am bisexual and love projecting onto characters)

idk about amy yet! i havent seen much of her so i wouldnt know also i just kinda slapped on my orientations onto sheldon because he's literally me :P

i also think its good to know that i'm a multishipper i also ship clorinde and navia too LOL

i love polysho but i really do like emurui a ton

there's prob more that i forgot but these are my favs

[certifiedsexed]

how often do people in their early teens think about sex? My friend was saying that she thinks about sex a lot, but I don't? I do still think about it some, but she was like "oh yeah I think about it all the time". To be fair she could have been joking. Idk I'm just wondering, I've been considering the possibility of being asexual? I'm not sure if not thinking about sex a lot is a sign of being ace or just how some allosexuals are during puberty? It's probably a spectrum like everything tho, human experience and sexuality are complicated and all :) I also haven't talked to any of my other friends about this stuff so... Really just going off of one data point here.

It depends on the teen! It's very varied, anon. Some teens think a lot about sex, some don't, some only think about it sometimes, it's 100% a spectrum. Some allosexuals also definitely don't think about sex a lot but that doesn't mean you aren't asexual. [Asexuality is more about the attraction you experience to other people than just thinking about sex.]

Regardless, it's fine to identify as ace now, even if you find out later you aren't. Sexuality is definitely complicated, lol, and all teens have different experiences with sex and sexuality, so even if you identify as asexual now and find you aren't, you'll be fine.

You'll find overlap with other people either way, especially if you talk to more people about it!

Hope this helps! Lemme know. :) <3

[jamethinks]

One thing I find very ironic about Spyxfamily is the way the Desmonds are portrayed. I understand that according to the narrative, they (namely Donovan) are the antagonists of the story, but I do find it quite tepid that so many character analysis is bonded by this very dichotomy style approach to understanding the characters (if that makes any sense).

I'm having a hard time approaching my point so bare with me if it starts to get confusing or disjointed.

I always see people talking about how the Forgers (aka the fake family) are able to have a happy relationship and a genuine bond while the Desmonds (aka the real family) are distant and uncaring of one another. There's a lot of emphasis on the parallels between Damian and Anya and how the presence of their fathers impact their lives. Most of the discussion is centered around shaming Donovan for not being more involved in Damian's life but not a lot of people are acknowledging why.

The whole reason for the fake family as part of Twilight's mission is because Donovan is a closed off skeptic who avoids unnecessary social interaction. This mission is supposedly the easiest way to get to him. As the story goes on, we gain a better understanding of just how shut off Donovan is and how much he actually isolated himself, even from his own family.

But the thing is, his actions are justified. The mere existence of Operation Strix validates his fears and anxieties. The fact that Twilight a spy is trying to expoilt the relationship he has with his children in order to get closer to him is the very reason he avoids them so much. It's people like Twilight that make him such a skeptical person.

Again, people praise Twilight for being a good dad, except he isn't really a good dad. It's all a facade. He's so dedicated to his goal as a spy for the West that he's willing to fake an entire family just to find out what Donovan is planning. Everything Donovan hates and resents is embodied in Twilight.

In the end, Twilight is just as harmful to Anya as Donovan is to Damian. He grabbed a random child from an orphanage and is using her for his own personal gain with limited regard for her well-being. We are not even sure what he plans on doing with her when the mission is over. Anya is obviously able to manipulate the situation to her own advantage, but that's only because she's a telepath. Any other kid would just be playing along, assume they just got themselves a new family overnight. We do see him grow and deepen his bond with Anya, in some cases threatening the mission for her benefit, but that was never a guarantee.

In a very frustrating way, Twilight is also contributing to Damian's strained relationship with his father and family. While Donovan obviously doesn't know what Twilight is doing, he's still aware that there are people out there who might. So, he continues to be guarded and make unreasonable demands of his children. He makes Damian feel he has to earn his place in his father's life because people like Twilight push Donovan to limit the number of people that are allowed in his life. I'm not saying it's Twilight specifically who's at fault, but people like him who are very much trying to force their way into his circle.

And I'm not saying of this yo defend Donovan or put down Twilight but I would like for less black and white thinking when talking about a Manga that hinges itself on nuance and the complexity of post war society. I find it a bit tired to keep categorizing characters as good or bad because it really hinders any conversation about them.

Idk I just feel there's a lot of moral ambiguity in sxf that really is intended to make us question our own moral code so it's weird seeing people ignore the actual harm Twilight and Yor cause just to reinforce their own limited moral values.

I don't think this makes much sense honestly.

[wanderingblindly]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers! Spread the self-love 💞

oooooooh this is so cruel, how dare you make me consider my fics this way????? reflecting on this made me realize that a lot of my personal favs are actually my less popular ones. that makes sense, in a way; often my favorites are where i'm trying to express a really specific emotion or idea, which might not always resonate with people? anyways, ordered from oldest to newest:

Eighteenth Summer (Do You Wish We'd Fall in Love?)

ambient, pining, sort of sepia toned vignette filtered lestappen. i remember really wanting to capture the ambiguity that comes with being 18 and finishing high school -- a new future looms even when you feel like you haven't finished living what you have now. very much being on a precipice, but with a happy ending :)

You Bring Me Closer To God

i literally fucking love this universe so much. even if the fic wasn't special, writing all the dynamics between the bandmates, between the bar flies, between oscar and lando... it was such a joy. i still think about writing more within Dirty Blondes all the time.

I Know Your Name (But Not Who You Are)

lestappen in grief! the passage of time! the fear that life has somehow stopped moving on but also changed more than you can stomach! wanting things from your childhood but having to accept that you can never go back! but perhaps learning that moving forward is beautiful, too! yet another one where i entered it trying to capture a specific feeling, and i think i managed to like... use the setting in a way that achieved that.

Someone in Seattle

i like this one because i managed to write a fic i'd love to read. i love fics that explore the soft, meandering development of relationships -- the ones where falling in love is a bit of a blurry line, and it happens just by the nature of truly Seeing each other. it's a love letter to my home, and i think of her very fondly.

Impasse of Biting

THIS IS THE ONLY FIC WHERE I FEEL LIKE I GOT EVEN CLOSER TO LIKE. SOMETHING YOU COULD ANALYZE. THERE ARE CHARACTER MOTIVATIONS! THERE'S SPECIFIC WORD CHOICE! THERE'S UNRELIABLE NARRATION AND COMPLICATED EMOTIONAL TIES! idk. it's one that i feel like each reader could come away with something wildly different, and (as someone who doesn't often deal in ambiguity), that makes me proud.

[pseudophan]

i am a phannie since 2014. and i had a strong "they used to date but now they don't" belief before they came out. around 2016.-2017. i fell into the trap of anti-s, basically dan and phil phans that were quite popular on tumblr, but still really critical of them, especially dan for "queerbaiting". i am also gay, so they actually made sense to me and made me dislike dan because i rlly thought he was doing it just because tumblr was really popular still and his fanbase was queer.. looking back at it.. real people just can't queerbait! it's a fiction term only! but that also comes down to ppl not really seeing youtubers/influencers as actual people lol. crazy times

it's really interesting to hear from all of you who got influenced by the really bitter bloggers from back in the day. i remember complaining about it and getting told off cause "people are allowed to have opinions and you can be critical of dnp" which is such a horseshit comeback bc this is exactly the problem!! people were upset by dnp "taking advantage of their audience and the shipping" and shit and my point was always ok if you think they're doing that then sure, you're allowed to think whatever, but it was based on nothing but vibes and to then base your entire social media presence on bitching about it is only going to convince others you've got a point, and that's a dangerous concept when again you are fully just making shit up! soooo many phannies got disillusioned with dnp around that time and a lot of it stemmed from wanting answers and refusing to accept there might be very legitimate reasons for us not receiving said answers. and sure i could understand being a bit annoyed at dan for various things he'd say and do but it was like.. if your annoyance with dan is enough for you to be that angry at them all the time then perhaps you should just step away rather than Make Shit Up to justify your anger, you know?

i'm sorry they got in your head, i genuinely feel so bad any of that shit happened because it was so so very unnecessary, but it's fascinating to hear about it now on the other side of it all and realising these really bitter phannies had the exact influence i feared they would. idk, i'm very much a proponent of it's your blog you can post what you want, but at a certain point people would benefit from thinking twice before pulling everyone else down into their misery

[imthepunchlord]

Ok so I was looking through old miraculous concept stuff and it really shows how much they fumbled Adrien. Apparently early drafts of Adrien wanted to be a doctor, which could have been interesting for his character when you factor in that his mother was sick before she "disappeared/died" and it's likely doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong, maybe Adrien wants to be a doctor to figure out what happened his mom was suffering from and maybe to help other people avoid that same situation.

This also sparked an idea for how Adrien's being "pefect" could have been used for this character. Maybe since Gabriel puts so much pressure on Adrien to be perfect and maintain this perfect image, Adrien has a lot of repressed anger and he has to keep in check. Also early verisons of Felix had him do boxing, maybe it's something Adrien does in secret as a way to help him vent his anger and become something he actually enjoys or maybe he could do breakdancing as a refer to the breakdance au (it's probably one of the oldest Miraculous aus and was one of the most popular)

Him being a doctor I do really like, and it seems it's an idea the fandom had picked up on early on, as the most popular ideas I saw for Adrien's future was him being a teacher, or a child therapist. Doctor or therapist is now one of the top two picks I like in what he may do in the future, as both do have merits to get the ball rolling. Though I do also like the idea of him getting into acting since he does dabble in it in canon, and he is quite a showman. And season 1 wise, yeah he did really like to dance.

From what I remember when I was watching s2 and from what I've heard and seen, it is kinda a shame he doesn't break out into dance anymore. It really added to Adrien's character as a model, as he stands so still but he himself is someone who likes to be animated and in motion, so him loving to dance and able to do so as Chat Noir just added a nice touch to Adrien. So it's a shame it seems like that aspect diminished.

Learning that Felix boxed, I am not too surprised, as boxing was/is regarded as a gentleman's sport (idk if it still counts?), and older concept Felix gave off that air of sophistication and poise.

I don't know if Adrien would box though, at least, not while he models for his father. Boxing does come with a risk of damaging your face and that would not be good for photo shoots. Felix it's unclear if he modeled at all, we don't see it, so presumably he didn't, which could allow him to box more easily.

I know Adrien did study some sort of martial arts when he was younger, though he quit. Fencing now seems to be his go to sport, I've heard some say he incorporates it into his fighting style, but I don't have enough knowledge on that to say for sure. I just know he doesn't use a staff correctly as a weapon, at least going off Rogercop.

Btw, Alya is my go to pick on who may be into boxing, and now I want to see a boxing match between her and Felix.

[gayferrari]

we as a community need to get more rpf-y about the fact that charles' girlfriend's name is alex

I see your vision. However EYE am more interested in the fact that in a certain light she looks like she and Carlos could be related.

Long answer: this ask sent me down a bit of a thought spiral about how F1 fandom in general deals with IRL significant others, as opposed to other sports RPF fandoms I've lurked in, so you get an actual essay, sorry.

I think it's interesting how F1 fic writers tend to just ignore irl partners, way more than other sports fandoms. You know how the tag “AU: no girlfriend / no wives” gets A Lot of mileage elsewhere? In F1 it's hardly ever used, because wags are simply excluded by default. The only ships that sometimes remember partners exist (include them or deliberately write around them) are ships involving guys like Seb or Nico whose relationships are a big part of their lives and are probably harder to just push to the side.

By contrast, the younger crop of drivers have a big social media presence that's almost impossible to ignore BUT does not include their actual irl partners because it's all work mandated PR, so these men's F1 personas make it very easy to paint them as single. Even if their broader public personas (outside of F1) are very high profile and often includes very public relationships and friendships — it's not like they keep their relationships lowkey, you know? But people just choose not to dig into those layers of lore, probably simply because the stuff we get through team PR videos and grill the grid already gives us a lot to work with.

IDK, I just find it fascinating! I bet many people don't even notice, but TO ME it's kinda glaring how often everyone in fic is single because imo it's such a fundamental component of the elite athlete lifestyle how these guys always have someone to come home to (and do some emotional labour for them). It doesn't have to be their actual irl girlfriends — many people draw the RPF line at including semi-famous partners, and that's a totally understandable stance — but there aren't even that many OC girlfriends. It is something that stands out to me compared to, idk, hockey RPF to make the most obvious comparison.

HAVING SAID ALL THAT. Yeah, I'd actually be very interested in more fics where Charles has a girlfriend. Again, it doesn't have to be a fictional version of his actual rl girlfriend, it can just be an OC with a different name. BUT, Charles's whole serial monogamy thing is actually a really big part of his personality that I think fandom misses out on, because HE is the one who's assigned the role of girlfriend in most ships he's involved in. You know, the omegafication of Charles... I get why it's a popular trend, I've written it myself and enjoy reading it. But I think there are interesting things to be done, characterisation wise, drawing on the fact that irl he's very much A Dude, and also a serious relationship kinda guy, and a very basic kinda straight guy who yearns for three children by age 35. Like... I think taking THAT kind of man and giving him a sexuality crisis is an avenue full of potential that the fandom could explore more.

tldr: I fully respect people's decision NOT to engage with significant others in RPF but also I think it has potential if you're inclined to go that way! so yea I agree RPF fandom could and should do more with Charles having a girlfriend even if people choose not to RPF *this* specific girlfriend.

[ryuichirou]

Replies

More replies about recent stuff, plus some random twst stuff pluuuus a reply related to a Malleus sketch from our 🔑🔞twt <3 Thank you for your questions.

thestarlightfae asked:

...Do I want to know what Lilia has on his phone?

Somehow I doubt it… But he wouldn’t mind showing!

Anonymous asked:

Ryuichirou just to let you know your literally the reason why I download Tumblr and I'm so so glad I did so🙇🙇

Oh god Anon, I am very sorry for doing this to you LOL Thank you so much!!! <3 I am glad you’re enjoying it!

m1lk-n-cook1es asked:

Dragon Malleus has six limbs and is therefore an insect. Discuss

(idk if he has 4 limbs in the dragon body but oh well)

Does…that mean that a centaur would also be an insect? This is kind of troubling… 😟

I think this is something we could discuss for hours until Malleus appears and ends this discussion forever, looking offended af :(

Anonymous asked:

Ace and malleus won't be together because ace has no Rizz  and no skills. he would fumble malleus so hard he would end up with someone else twice over, who im not sure but definitely someone he has to see a lot

(related to a reply about Ace the donkey to Malleus’ dragon)

OUCH, Anon!! You’re roasting Ace more than Malleus would’ve roasted him while literally breathing fire 😭🔥

Give this boy a chance. That being said, we all know the chance is slim….

Anonymous asked:

about the mosquitoes bites ! If you put a burning hot metal spoon on it for a few seconds the heat will kill the itchiness ! Tested and approved every summers you should definitely do it 👍

My favourite part about posting that mosquito comic is people recommending remedies for the bites…!

Thank you, Anon. I’ll keep that in mind.

Anonymous asked:

Would the twst ppl ever go down of ppl of the opposite sex? Or is everyone just gay? Like Floyd on a female riddle or something

-english is not good with me

“Everyone is gay” is our default because we prefer gay ships, but we don’t really headcanon sexualities for characters. If we ever come up with a good story with Floyd and fem!Riddle, nothing would stop us from indulging in it 💪 There are some that are more difficult for me to see with the opposite sex than the others though.

Anonymous asked:

Do the doms give oral? Like will the dom suck the sub's dick at all or nah?

With you would oral sec be strictly a bottom's job?

It is a tendency in my art to only leave it for the bottoms because it is a personal preference. But I don’t think that all of our tops would be strictly against it on the same level.

I wrote some hcs quite a while ago, if you want a detailed answer about someone in particular! Although I think my bias is pretty obvious lol Sorry.

Anonymous asked:

Okay the post of Malleus laying an egg from a while ago on your locked twt has been driving me so up the walls I haven't even been able to find the words??? I was so gagged when I saw it????

Shota Malleus always feels like he's totally convinced he's mature enough to handle Lilia and anything else you throw at him (he isn't) and him dealing with something like that when he's definitely way too young and unprepared and being completely overwhelmed and scared by it is SO GOOD

I can imagine him calling out Lilia's name in such a broken way, half upset because he just went through something really painful and scary and he wants to be comforted by his caretaker, and half because he's so confused and he has no idea what he should do and he needs Lilia's guidance, when Lilia was the one who put him into that mess in the first place... I worry that Lilia is going to take one look at him and their egg and be like "guess it's scrambled eggs for breakfast!" to cover his own mistake before anyone finds out 😭

(And also...... I just think it's a little hot... Malleus pushing out an egg that's too big for his body all alone in his room with nobody to help him regulate his breathing and pushing?? He just has to figure it all out on his own because he can't/won't call for help??? Squeezing that egg out a little at a time and slowly stretching himself open, before it falls back inside him and he has to start all over again, basically fucking himself on it until he finally gets it out... 🥵)

I am SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT, ANON!! <3 I want to say that it was a very self-indulgent sketch, but then again, everything that we post is lol

Poor Malleus absolutely wasn’t ready for anything like that to happen and he definitely wasn’t told that this was something that could happen to a dragon fae… And Lilia was probably surprised too, looking at him like shoot that wasn’t supposed to happen yet, wtf, “dragon eggs are rare” my ass lol Lilia really fucked up his cycles…

I guess they really are going to have scrambled eggs for breakfast…! God we had so many conversations about Lilia and dragon eggs, I really should finish that one comic from ages ago.

(I’m also glad you find this hot as well~ If definitely would’ve been much easier for him if Lilia was around when that was happening, poor thing probably thought he was dying or something. He often feels alone, but when that happened, he felt especially alone and helpless. It’s honestly a miracle he wasn’t mad at Lilia afterwards, but I guess it’s because he was way too shocked for that)

[dungeonmeshi-confessions]

I love kabumisu a lot, and idk if its just me who feels this way or what but.

I don't actually like the caretaking dynamic.

not in the way its portrayed sometimes anyway. especially when it removes a lot of mithruns autonomy (like him being assisted with tasks he doesnt actually need help with. like bathing. its the nursey/clinical vibes I dislike)

its true, mithrun will always be disabled and will always need help in some way. but I dont think making kabru his caretaker is really the solution here.

this is different than saying I dont want kabru to care for him ever though. I just always imagine pattadol as the person who regularly worries over him and makes sure he's doing well. kabru already has a lot on his plate.

now I do think kabru cares for him in more subtle ways (esp if they are in a relationship), and will continue to be the person mithrun brings his revelations and feelings to. Kabru has earned his trust in this way.

but if anything, in my mind, mithrun cares for kabru a lot. I think he starts to notice kabru doesnt ever follow the advice he gives mithrun, etc.

also my mind loves to push together kabru never eating with the idea that mithrun is going to be learning to make noodles. so I just imagine mithrun bringing him food all the time when he's busy bc he knows kabru probably wont take a break if he doesnt. I dont think he's overly sweet about it. I think often he would put the food next to kabru and leave without even greeting him. but I think thats just how mithrun would express his care.

anyway I like when they both look out for each other. and I like when mithrun is given as much autonomy as he can. he'll always need people looking out for him, but its reminders he needs most of the time, not physical interventions. I think most of these feelings are probably bc I am disabled myself, and my personal experience with my disability. how other disabled people may feel is definitely allowed to differ.

either way, this is a very comforting ship for me. 💜

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