#but also Dean is picking together the pieces of human Cas and he knows that man in ways Cas couldn't guess himself

[chitaquahq]

Dean making Cas coffee. Dean picking Cas a bag of tea to try. Dean promising to cook for him and make milkshakes for him. Cas wanting to taste pie because Dean likes it and milkshakes too.

Their love sipping from beneath their skins to the kitchen, nurturing/feeding each other with every single meal shared, even if none of them wants to eat. Maybe because feeding themselves can be sometimes their only way to keep the other from ignoring their hunger.

Dean replacing the excess of alcohol, drugs and sex in Can't life with (sweet) food, his breathing and new friends.

[dious-chaos]

I've been deeply delving into Supernatural at the moment and I just put something together that I felt should be out in the interwebs.

Dean Winchester and his layers

Obviously we have the stuff everyone already knows right? He likes pie, he has anger issues, he feels overprotective of Sam. But Dean is actually incredibly intelligent yet downplays it for Sam (nothing against Sam cuz I love that man too) and everyone else, some examples of that: He made his own emf reader out of a cassette player and electromagnet from a microwave, he hacked/disarmed a museums security alarm, referenced Vonnegut; Homer; Lord of the Flies and Tolkien, watched and loved Star Trek, he plays dress up/cosplays/larps, etc. Dean was also the one who cared about holidays, trying so hard to give them to little Sammy, and being hurt when adult Sam wanted none of it. Dean had to take on the role of mom and dad for Sam his entire life, even going hungry so his little boy didn’t. He's an amazing cook, has crazy good mechanical skills, loves anything to do with music- karaoke, guitars on his wall, cassette to Cas- and Dean even had a career picked out which had nothing to do with hunting… he wanted to be a firefighter. Dean even took a teaching role as PE teacher in one episode when he could've picked anything else, that just builds a better image of the caring man Dean raised himself to be. Not to mention the fact that when Sam was in the cage with Lucifer Dean GOT OUT!! He wanted that apple pie life, the life he pushed Sam into his whole life because he knew only one of them would get that chance… and of course he'd want it to be his brother/son.

He grew up to hide his wants and dreams in order to please the man who only wanted a soldier, Dean even went so far as seeing his own life as less than Sam and pushing to die instead of the brother he took care of alone. Dean gained food insecurity, he never knew when he would get to eat and we see this throughout the show as he shoves any free food into his mouth like he'll never eat again. He also showed signs of CPTSD, a mental health condition that can develop if you experience chronic (long-term) trauma.

It involves stress responses, such as: Anxiety (maybe like how got scared and he immediately apologized after not shooting John, and then knew it wasn’t his father because the demon wasn’t upset), Having flashbacks or nightmares (post hell is the first thing that comes to mind), Avoiding situations (trying to keep the peace between Sam and John), places and other things related to the traumatic event (avoiding Lawrence KS for decades), Heightened emotional responses, such as impulsivity or aggressiveness (he gets really upset in difficult conversations first and then the other emotions come later), Persistent difficulties in sustaining relationships (come on, Dean is a ladies man).

Examples of chronic trauma include: Long-term child physical or sexual abuse (tell me that John didn’t physically abuse or "discipline" his boys), Long-term domestic violence (again.. Physical abuse by John), Being a victim of human or sex trafficking (not canon… but it could have happened in all the years his father neglected them and fucked off to fight the monsters while his own kids struggled to get by), War (hunter and monsters are at war), Frequent community violence (hunters and monsters alike can be POS). While CPTSD is often associated with chronic trauma in childhood, adults who experience chronic trauma can also develop the condition (which means it only gets worse for Dean as he gets older and doesn't get help for it).

So yeah. Dean deserved better than a piece of rebar at the ass end of Supernatural, that’s all..

[ardentpoop]

literally you have a heaping plate of ship fodder w/ sastiel and you’re turning your nose up at it. wasteful!! here, take your pick:

desperately faithful person and the angel he was praying to god would save him as early on as 2.13 houses of the holy (the angel cannot save him and in fact helped orchestrate his destruction. also called him dirty to his face during their first meeting without understanding how earth-shatteringly painful that would be)

sticking your fingers into his brain or his chest cavity to measure how broken he is and shuffle the pieces around experimentally. as intimacy.

im learning to be human primarily thru your powerful brother whom I’ve replaced my absent father (god) with and so I understand that in the healthiest human relationships one person talks and the other person listens and follows. also if you tell me anything that I know would make dean unhappy I will most likely betray your trust. and I will keep secrets from you to protect you because that is what must be done with a fragile person like you.

nuclear family squared (samcas actively parenting jack together but dean will never not be the man in charge, negligence be damned)

jack is SUCH a composite of sam and cas that it’s painful. they literally mashed their central conflicts together to create him.

[confusedkittensposts]

There is a silver pickup truck in bunkers garage. It has many things some of the most prominent ones being blanket and a the jacket that belong to Nephilim Jack. There are three chocolate wrappers littered in the cabin, near one of the wrappers there is a strap of a bag. the bag is carefully hidden under the seat away from everyone belongs to a angel of the lord who currently resides in heaven.

The contents of bag is as follows

A blue spiral notebook, a blue tie, few chocolates, a notepad, black leather bound journal two blue ball point pens, a graphite pencil, a packet of 7 colour pencils (I don't know what products you guys get in US but the smallest pack we get here has 7 pencils)  a huge handmade sweater of olive green colour, three knitting needles, two crochet needles, a pair of handknit black fingerless gloves, a ball of warm yellow and a ball of orange wool, a ball of remaining olive and black wool, a little box haphazardly warped in green gift wrapping paper, white envelope, two Ziplocs, and a bloody rag.(loose papers and photographs)

The contents of the bag have been collected over last 12 years however they range from 6 months old to billions of years old

Sam looked at the stuff from Castiel’s truck brought in by a new hunter named Riley. He looks up as his brother enters the room. Dean seems much more curious about the contents that Sam feels, still they go through the thigs together.

Sam pulls out the sweater, its soft and warm and easily his size.

Dean recognises the rock as one jack picked up when they were out, “its blue like my eyes.”

The small gift box has dean’s name on it making him feel less guilty about opening it, a necklace of rosemary beads, Sam tells him the beads are carved with Celtic symbols powered with angelic grace, Cas had given Sam a bracelet of the same to help with nightmares in honey Cas era. Sam thinks they give you a general calming effect too, It also has a note . (with the way his brothers hand shake and jaw tightens Sam doesn’t ask him what it says.)

Dean tries to open the leather journal only for a sigil to light up and send electric shock through him, it gets tossed aside easily.

One of the Ziplocs has needles and pens and chocolates, rest of the things that were scattered in the bag join them.

The rose gold and black feathers, not very hard to guess whose are collected in a small pile.

The notepad mostly has notes from cases Cas solved and some loose papers, with doddles or animal sketches.

The second Ziploc h neatly folded pages some of them have cute little doodles clearly made by jack and rest of the pages have sketches on them breath taking beautiful sketches.

Portraits of the brothers, of Jack, Claire, Crowley, Rovena, meg, Charlie, Bobby, Jo and Ellen, some people they don’t even recognise, all the pieces have different level of detailing. Its clear that between everything going on Cas did not get to finish them. Some sigils, and art work done in many styles that are identified by Sam to belong across cultures spanning centuries.

It takes the Winchesters all of 13 minutes to get over their internal debate the argument with each other and open the blue notebook. It was a cheap spiral-bound composition book with lined paper, the kind kids took notes in for school. It had the ruffled, wrinkled look of a notebook that had been carried around for a while and written in pretty often. It also had some photographs pressed between its pages

The book had been started sometime after a human Cas left the bunker, its written in many languages, whichever I felt could express him most at that time. It had Castiel’s questions, questions he had no one to ask, the ones no one cared to answer. It had his doubts, doubts about everything he had done, about his decision to keep going rather than putting his blade in himself. His fears, fears of the world around him, of what would come, of forgetting everything he knew... It had stories, of small towns he visited, of people he met, not just when he was human but even after that, towns he went to for a case, or stopped by, for refills or rest or just out if curiosity. It had random information about animals.

It had sketches too, kittens in a box, or a can longing on a wall, or a dog curled up, a baby they did not recognise, some flowers and birds, bees of course, and them of Sam and Dean, younger ones, the ones who had first met Cas, of themselves then.

There are some empty pages, and the last page of the book has a intricate sigils.

While gathering some papers that fall down  trying to put them back in Ziploc, Sam comes across A old folders piece od paper  with a drawing of him and Dean, standing shoulder to shoulder, defiantly from when they were much younger, towards the top of the page underneath the heavily shaded lead were lighter strokes, barely visible. And they looked like wings. Wings that were spread above Sam and Dean, tips curling down in a protective canopy. Sam keeps it. (pretty sure I read about it in a fic don’t remember which)

Dean keeps the box and its contents, Sam keeps the sweater.

The rest of the bag and its contens are given to Claire after Sam finds out Castiel visits her regularly

She is happy to learn that Cas knits and teases the seraph until he gives her a hat with cat ears.

[all-or-nothing-baby]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💖

@slytherkins and @shealynn88 my loves, thank you both muchly for my tags! it may have taken me 6months (+?!) to get to this... but LET'S GO! lol.

(okay i'm a proper rebel me so i'm picking my FAVES FROM 5 FANDOMS instead bc nobody can stop meeeeeee mwuhahaha!)

NOTE: if you're going to read any of these fics, firstly tysm ily <3. secondly and most importantly, PLS CHECK THE REST OF THE TAGS ON AO3 AS I'VE ONLY LISTED A SELECT FEW HERE.

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1. STRANGER THINGS (Harringrove)

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HOUNDS OF LOVE (Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington, Canon Universe, Past Underage, Angst, Semi-public Sex, Porn with Love, POV Billy, 2282, EXPLICIT)

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Billy has always been a coward. Ever since—ever since Her. Since she did the double-up on him. Since she switched off and let her light go out of his life forever by taking off and leaving Billy Boy Blue's sorry ass behind.

Harrington doesn’t know any of this though. Nobody does. Nobody will. And nobody should anyways because Billy, he shouldn't be so pathetic. He’s supposed to suck it up and shut the fuck up not moon over it, not be a little pussy while he's getting his boy-pussy railed. And he certainly shouldn't be moaning through this feral fucking need of his like some frilly pink-pantied cheerleader, hell.

Never did know what was good for you, boy.

OR

Billy just wants to get royally fucked.

Doesn't want this. Doesn't want to be coddled. Doesn't want to be treated nice. Doesn't want some rich boy's dumb lovin'.

Even if he actually, really does.

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CHERRY BOMB SERIES (Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington, Canon Universe, Pining, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Getting Together, POV Steve Harrington, Teen-Explicit)

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A collection of Harringrove fics which hopefully read well as stand-alones BUT will also eventually—and are intended to—make up one big Steve Harrington POV 'Five times Steve wonders... & One Time He Doesn't Have To' Getting Together story.

EDIT: Now with an added little interlude in the middle which will bump up the final number of works.

Updates as and when xp

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2. SUPERNATURAL (deancas)

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THE LAST TIME (Castiel/Dean Winchester, AU—Modern Setting, Sex-work, Not Really Non-requited, POV Dean, 2269, MATURE)

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Hey, baby. Wanna spend the night with an angel?

No such thing, Dean had tried. But it had come out as a question, a challenge. An almost Prove me wrong... please? And with a smile which he couldn't have helped if he'd tried.

OR

Hurt/Comfort Modern Sex Worker AU where maybe fate and free will can exist side by side.

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WET EARTH'S CALLED MUD (Castiel/Dean Winchester, Canon Divergence, Angst, First Kiss, Getting Together, POV Dean, 1905, TEEN)

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Dean, I've got you

And I realise: he always has me.

Sheet and fork lightning fires up the whole sky and thunder cracks its huge whip above us, clouds bursting like huge water balloons, the downpour soaking us in seconds.

Everything is terrifying.

OR

Fix-It-Fic for Jack in the Box WHERE THEY ACTUALLY TALK DAMMIT. And maybe do the thing they should've been doing for 11 bloody years.

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THE DAY THE WORLD WENT AWAY (Castiel/Dean Winchester, Endverse AU, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending (as much as endverse can be), POV Dean, Porn with Love, 7346, EXPLICIT)

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Dean had come to apologise. To thank Cas. But pieces of Cas' broken heart were now on show, stabbing right through his beautiful face, slicing through Jimmy's muscles and skin. Dean could see it all now, pouring out through the jagged cuts; fear, shame, all the hurt—the lion's share of it of which Dean himself had caused. Cas was now wearing his pain on full display all over his body, like a shiny fucking outfit of the day.

Dean had never hated himself more. Even after torturing an endless stream of once-human souls in hell.

Cas let the pistol drop to the floor.

"Then what, Dean?" he choked, "why are you here?" His wet eyes searched Dean's with such wretched frustration, Dean couldn't take it a second longer. Had to make it go away, end the pain. Ironically, Dean realised, he did want to make everything stop for Cas—for both of them—even if only for a little while. Just not by means of a bullet.

How the hell do you make the whole world just stop?

OR

Quite possibly the only not-completely-100%-gut-wrenching Endverse fic you might ever find.

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THURSDAY'S SMILE (Canon Universe, First Kiss, Getting Together, Proof I Can Write Fluff, POV Dean, 1381, TEEN)

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Cas walked around the stainless steel kitchen island to Dean's side, his eyes now keen on the square of dressing protecting a nasty cut on the left side of Dean's forehead. As he reached his destination, his right knee automatically slid between Dean's knees to part them, allowing him to stand in between—and closer to Dean. Like, a lot closer.

Dean tried his best to take a slow and secret, calming deep breath.

It didn't help. Now his sense of smell was just reaffirming what his heart was already screaming at him with each beat:

CAS-CAS, YES-YES, CAS-CAS, YES-YES

Cas peeled back the surgical tape and lifted the gauze to check the cut.

And then it just kind of... happened. Dean was tired, hadn't even had his first essential cup of joe yet, let alone the necessary second. It was just a dumb joke, really.

OR

When it finally happens, it's on a Thursday.

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3. TEEN WOLF (sterek)

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LOVE LIKE GHOSTS (Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Canon Universe, Established Relationship, Stiles Has Self-esteem Issues, Choking, Consensual Non-consent, POV Stiles, 713, EXPLICIT)

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They both know not talking about this isn't okay, isn't healthy, but—and God knows why—Derek loves Stiles. So, the big guy, he gets it: that the best thing isn't always the right thing.

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DRAW YOUR SWORDS (Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Canon Universe, Angst, Pining, Getting Together, POV Derek, 7914, EXPLICIT)

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Something inside Derek snaps. No, not snaps. Clicks into place. He snarls, "That's my line, little pig."

Shit.

Stiles blinks, twice. Three times. "What?" and he’s flailing at Derek's reference.

"If you're the little pig…" Derek's predator eyes flick deftly across each of Stiles' delicate features, "...then what does that make me?" 

Realisation crosses sharp yet soft bone structure and Stiles answers, slowly.

"You're the big…"

Derek moves impossibly closer.

"...bad…"

A goddamn virus.

"...wolf."

OR

Derek keeps his distance from Stiles, regardless of how he feels about him. It's better that way. Better for Stiles.

But when Stiles has had enough of pretending there's nothing between them, just how much longer can Derek's wolf be tamed?

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INCLUDES MY ART!

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THE CROSS HE BEARS (Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Canon Universe, Established Relationship, Wolf!Derek (for a time), Derek Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-slash, POV, Derek, 702, MATURE)

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Stiles knows exactly how to take care of his wolf.

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4. BBC SHERLOCK (jimlock)

MY NAME IS A KILLING WORD (Jim Moriarty/Sherlock Holmes, Canon Universe, First Kiss(es), Sherlock's First Time, Getting Together, Jim Moriarty in Love, POV Jim, 671, MATURE)

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He's so funny. Not to them. But to me, he's so funny.

The first time I kissed him—up against a wall, John just around the corner, Sherlock taller than me but certainly feeling small—he was bait on my hook. So much so, I was sure he'd squirm as such but he froze. A museum pillar of what the fuck? Didn't struggle as I tasted Stiff Upper Lip whilst trying to coax out a passion I just knew he had buried inside of him. Then he whispered Moriarty, like a question, and it was hilarious. Hilarious because it was so infuriatingly Sherlock, and hilarious 'cause it was hot as naked sin, I remember thinking as I spirited away, giggling.

OR

The first time Sherlock finally calls his nemesis by his given name. (Moriarty POV).

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5. PREACHER (the unholy trinity)

WELL, I HEARD THERE WAS A SECRET CHORD (Proinsias Cassidy/Jesse Custer/Tulip O'Hare, Canon Universe, Established Relationship, Poly Relationship—F-M-M, PWP, Light Dom/Sub, POV Tulip, 1326, EXPLICIT)

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How do the Unholy Trinity manage to turn anything remotely pious into something truly ungodly?

Like fucking pros, that's how.

With Tulip hating on Genesis, she finds a way to take back a little control... with the help of a certain raucous Irish vampire.

OR

The PWP Dom!Tulip Sub!Jessidy fic nobody asked for.

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PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TUMBLR DON'T EAT THIS IT'S TAKEN ME FORACTUALBLOODYEVER!

[heliianth]

hi Helii i dunno if you already made a post about this, but I'm curious if u thought of a different plot and ending for httyd 3 cause recently i've been thinking about that a lot and i like to hear people's opinions about the movie!

hi nonnie !! ive made 2 posts abt my opinion of httyd3 (ein) (zwei) but since then ive read things like directors commentaries and excerpts from the art book so theyre not Very complete (but still representative—i just give some of the people who worked on it too much leeway LMAO)

honestly i havent thought of a different plot or ending that much, mainly because there are a Lot of things that bug me about the movie and changing all of them would kinda make the fixed version™ almost unrecognizable, but i can give u some quickfire easy decisions i think wouldve made the movie better

replace the Light Fury with a pack of Night Furies that escaped to THW. i dont understand the fascination with making Toothless the last NF because the "propogation of the species" genetically cant happen if he is, despite what Dreamworks REALLY wants u to believe by having Nightlights be a thing 1300 years later. every single NL u see after the 3rd movie is horrifically inbred !!

scrap New Berk. the "Old Berk" location was so important to its people that they defended it from dragons for 400 years, they wouldn't just pick up and move. also, the overcrowding problem is a non-issue because there's so much room on that island to expand onto and Hiccup is not that much of a dumbass*

show Toothless struggling with leaving Hiccup to chase the LF (or NFs)—maybe he tries to drag him along and theres something that forces them to separate for Hiccup's safety

in that vein ^ there are like 3 total scenes where Hiccup and Toothless are together and that really cheapens the emotional followthrough so... have them be friends again. the 2nd movie, the first time we see them goofing off and chatting alone with each other, showing the audience how strong their bond is and what their dynamic is like. i dont remember if the 3rd movie has Anything like that

speaking of which LOSE THE "dragons are wild animals" POINT. this is a major inspiration for the movie so its one of the things that would change the Whole Story but Dean needs to make up his fucking mind over whether the dragons are gentle, intelligent, sapient creatures who know how to perfectly understand human speech and body language or wild, dangerous animals who need to be "free" from humans (the former is how dragons have been treated by every piece of httyd media until the third movie and the latter contradicts everything, is less interesting, and destroys the previous themes entirely so guess which i prefer)

adding on, stop treating Hiccup like garbage. he didn't find Toothless when he was a baby dragon and nursed him back to health before keeping him and thats all Toothless has ever known. Toothless had spent 15 years prior to befriending Hiccup being a dangerous. wild dragon and blowing up Berk. He's been "free" almost twice as long as he's been friends with Hiccup. LAY OFF, his concerns about Toothless are valid.

i've talked about this before but Hiccup is a terrible chief in this movie and the role shouldve gone to someone better qualified, like Astrid. unlike what some of the directors would have u believe, it IS mature to recognize ur bad at something and hand it off to someone who is more competent (especially if its a job like leadership) bc usually sticking to it gets u Fired. *he makes dumbass decisions so the villain can look smart and this is literally the only reason why he makes them i promise u

same point: Toothless is also a bad alpha in this movie. the premise of a single dragon ruling over all other dragons in the world is Really Bad in of itself, but we don't see Toothless do anything like what Valka's Bewilderbeast did in httyd2—sure he's smaller, but give us a few scenes of him being kind and patient with his people. don't have him order everyone into cages because his girlfriend might get hurt

REDEEM THE DEATHGRIPPERS none of them did anything wrong

treat the side characters with some modicum of respect. this movie does absolutely jackshit with Valka other than make Snotlout have a creepy crush on her and everyone has caught brainworms to make Hiccup and Astrid look competent in comparison.

do not. focus on Hiccup and Astrid's relationship as much as u did. u already failed to deliver a "call to the wild" story in Toothless and the LF, the audience does not need more ammo to get "romance is more important than friendship" out of your movie. having Astrid's role completely reduced to "supportive girlfriend" and "Hiccup's True support", along with how Valka was treated (god that goodbye scene with her and Cloudjumper makes me so sad and angry and NOT for the reasons the writers want) and the LF's design being Like That on PURPOSE (also every single model being airbrushed for Prettyness reasons) kind of shows what Some People making the movie think of women

even discounting ALL of these ^ gripes, of which i have More, trust me (i didnt even get into my problems with Grimmel because honestly i do not remember enough of that twat to properly articulate my issues w him), i would be happy if the end went 1 of 2 ways:

Berk moves inside or near THW in order to keep being the defenders of the dragons, and the LF growing closer to Hiccup is representative of the hidden world dragons growing closer to Berk, illustrating that yes, coexistence is possible and good and benefits them both

the dragons gradually leave on a case-by-case basis, but Toothless never leaves Hiccup, and Hiccup grows old always waiting for him to visit. Hiccup writes a memoir of his experiences with dragons to hopefully educate the younger generation when they decide to come back. this mirrors the books' ending far better and gives the dragons the agency they deserve

i do not think there is a world where every dragon on earth leaves to THW and is simultaneously a good ending which portrays the right themes. Dean's fascination with "there were dragons when i was a boy" kneecapped the entire plot. you do not write stories starting from how you want them to end, especially if they're stories based off a beloved franchise with already established dynamics and themes. the Reason why so many plot elements are so contrived, why so much character development is lost, why httyd's theme of tolerance, cooperation, and the power of love is hamstrung, is because they Really Wanted an end where there are no dragons and they were Completely willing to do anything to get there (also Dreamworks is shit to its artists but whats new)

anyway. NONNIE. if u ever end up thinking More about an alternative version of httyd3 tell me!!!! i'd love to hear YOUR ideas and if u cannot tell talking abt this is so fun and engaging for me so i will listen !!!!! i love u for talking to me have a good day <3 <3 <3 <3

[mizuirokandeya]

i've never had hands before

This was part of the larger project as well and is again unbetaed. Also I just realized I missed uploading another scene from this project to tumblr. But you can find it in the series over on AO3 for now. I'll try to remember to upload it here as well at some point.

1100~ words | Read on AO3

Set at the end of 9x03 after Dean tells Cas he can't stay

Castiel's stomach hurts, rolls with something akin to anger — he knows that one now but it's not quite that. It's different, deeper. Colder, too. Still, he follows Dean wordlessly through the Bunker.

You can't stay, rings in his head, pitches higher and higher and he doesn't understand, doesn't know what he did wrong — hadn’t Dean just saved his life and had looked at him like it was a miracle that he was breathing? And yet he's asking him to leave, no explanation given. Forcing him out of another space he thought safe.

He can feel his lips tremble.

He knows Dean keeps looking back at him, eyes alight with something. Though Castiel has no idea with what. Because he is human. He can't read Dean like he used to. His Grace being a support to understanding words left unsaid isn’t news, of course, but it hit him differently when he realized that it includes Dean as well. That there’s no nonverbal feedback when he looks at Dean for too long, nothing resembling a prayer directed at him. It makes Castiel feel helpless all over. He doesn't know what to do with this new side of Dean. Of course, he still knows him. But there is something missing. Not there to help piece parts of the puzzle together like before.

Dean leads him to his own room. The door stays wide open and Castiel stops on the threshold, feet barely crossing into Dean’s space. He doesn’t want to assume he’s allowed any further when he’s not allowed to stay here in the first place. So he watches. Watches as Dean picks up a few things from all over the space. Watches as Dean places them into a bag. Watches, until he seems content with whatever he’s accumulated. The zipper is loud in the silence and Dean’s steps, when he brings the bag over to Castiel, are too. He holds it out, lips pursed and eyebrows drawn.

The human part of Castiel thinks he doesn’t want it. The strategist part thinks he might not survive without it.

There’s a stark difference between his heart and his head and he wishes they would both be easy on him, so he could figure out a way to ask to stay without having to ask. But all that comes out is a cracking, “I don’t-”

He feels the desperation of not getting out his words mount within him. Of losing the warmth surrounding him so soon again, of losing a roof and food supplies, of losing the safety of friends. Of someone who will explain all these strange new things to him without treating him differently. Of family. He’s just been found by them. He’s just basked in the gentle feeling of Dean steering him around the bunker by his shoulders, showing him the showers and the supplies, and answering whatever thing Castiel would trip over. And now he’s already supposed to give it back up.

He’s used to being on his own. But he’s not used to being truly alone. Feeling like there’s no one there. There’s no connection to his siblings left. None at all. And if there was, he thinks, they’d still want to kill me, and rightfully so. And he’s so used to hearing prayers — Dean’s for the most part but still some here and there from people he never knew the faces of — that he’s never had to get used to the quiet buzz of his own head, the twisting mess his own thoughts have become ever since he started messing up.

He steps forward, into Dean’s room and his space. He reaches past the bag and it ends up on Dean’s elbow, slipping to his upper arm. They are too close, nearly bumping into each other but Castiel needs him to understand. He can be useful. There are things he can still do. Whatever he's asked to do, he can. He can earn his keep if necessary. He opens his mouth but again nothing comes out. He can barely imagine what he must look like, wide-eyed and mouth shaping nothing but air. Useless. There is the odd sensation of a lump in his throat.

Dean looks down at Castiel’s hand, then back up. His eyes are wild with something — his grace surely could tell, it’s such an integral part to reading Dean but it’s not there and he can’t do anything — and then Dean huffs a laugh but it sounds wrong, awkward almost.

Castiel realizes that he’s made Dean uncomfortable the same moment Dean steps back, says, "Slow down, cowboy."

Castiel has no experience of being hit with a brick. At least none that came with the human pain he imagines adequate for the sensation. He’s sure it would feel like this. Feel like hearing words said to him in the same way they were years back and yet with a much different emotional weight behind them. Feel like losing his balance and the floor all at once. His heart stutters with the bleak reminder of a fond if secret memory he keeps tucked away for quiet and peaceful moments that so rarely come.

Now though he fumbles, pulls back, but still can’t get out a full sentence, "I'm- That's not-"

He doesn't know what Dean is thinking. If he’s even thinking the same thing Castiel is. He doesn't know and he hates that he can't even take care of this. Solve this simple problem that is the reason he has to leave. Though maybe that’s exactly why he can’t stay here. He is nothing without his grace but a mere human. Flawed and breakable. And wasn’t he already damaged as an angel? Wasn’t he already screwing up left and right then?

So what use would he be now then? Why would Dean want him around then?

An extra mouth to feed, to cloth, to shelter. They already have Kevin to watch after and while the bunker has plenty of space, their resources are finite. And at least Kevin can offer them something in turn. Something Castiel can not.

He blinks and finds his resolve then. If Dean wants him to leave, Castiel will. He has survived worse — and if he won’t this time then that is that. He can’t say he doesn’t deserve what is coming for him. He’s done enough wrong in this world. More so in heaven. He should do his penance. And if this is what is chosen for him, he’ll take it with his head held high.

So he takes the bag from Dean, holds his gaze, and says, “Thank you.”

And with Dean watching him silently, he turns and leaves the one place he wishes he could stay.

[myaimistrue]

my gift for the wonderful @lotsofquestionslimitedanswers as part of the @starrynightdeancas gift exchange! i hope you love this sweet bit of fluff as much as i loved writing it <3

also available on ao3

Cas has fought celestial battles. He has seen the rise and fall of human civilizations, he has razed cities and healed kings, and he has been the only thing outside of God’s control. Yet somehow, someway, he is being bested by a pan of scrambled eggs.

He lets out a string of curses he would never have even dreamed of fifteen years prior, and carefully carries the smoking pan to the trash can. He dumps as much of the blackened lump as he can unceremoniously into the trash can and sticks the pan, still coated in bits of burned eggs, back on the stove.

Cas is trying to make breakfast to bring to Dean in bed. He’s doing okay, he thinks, except now there just won’t be any eggs. Or pancakes. (Cas actually thought the batter turned out pretty nicely, but when he went to pour the first bit into the pan, his hand slipped—he spent a good twenty minutes cleaning all of that up.) At least there’s still bacon. Shit, the bacon!

Cas rips the oven open, still cursing, and just barely remembers to put an oven mitt on before he pulls the pan out. Thank God, the bacon is on just the right side of burnt, sizzling and crispy but not blackened yet. He breathes a sigh of relief, and sets the pan down carefully beside the other on the stove. Well, Dean’s always enjoyed bacon the most—if breakfast is just that, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Cas figures he can at least make some toast to go with it. Unfortunately, he forgot to buy more bread at the store yesterday, so there are only three pieces left, two of which are end pieces. He toasts them all, gnawing on a thumbnail and trying to convince himself that Dean won’t hate all of this.

Cas has only been back, free from the Empty and fully human, for a month. It’s been a good month, mostly, full of reunions and laughter and slowly but surely figuring things out. He and Dean share a bed now, share a life in a way they never did before, and it’s good. Cas is learning to be human again, and every step of the way, Dean is with him, endlessly patient and gentle with all of it, seemingly happy just to be with him at all. And Cas gets to kiss Dean when he wants, gets to hold his hand and brush his fingertips along the crinkles at the corners of Dean’s eyes, and every day, he gets to tell Dean he loves him. 

The only problem, really, is that Dean hasn’t said it back yet.

Cas knows Dean loves him. It’s clear now—it was clear from the moment he stumbled out of the Empty and into Dean’s trembling arms—and Cas understands that Dean shows it in different ways than words. He shows it in the way he sat with Cas for an hour helping him learn to tie his shoes, the way he makes PB&Js without complaint whenever Cas requests them, the way he slides his hand into Cas’s while driving and runs his thumb back and forth along Cas’s palm. Regardless of whether he says it out loud, Dean loves Cas with such ferocity that Cas sometimes worries he can’t match it. 

So Cas is doing what he can: he’s making breakfast in bed.

He arranges the limited food on an old wooden tray, along with two mugs of steaming coffee and a jar of Dean’s favorite apricot jelly that he did remember at the store. Cas studies his handiwork critically, then adds a few napkins (amidst all the change, Dean remains a very messy eater). The end result looks nice, Cas thinks. Better than he worried it might, at least.

Slowly, carefully, Cas makes his way out of the kitchen, and to the bedroom he now shares with Dean. The door is cracked from when Cas left earlier, and he can see the corner of the bed, the way Dean’s pulled all the blankets over to his side. Cas smiles at how familiar that’s become lately—it seems that with the luxury of his own bed, Dean is loath to share the covers; Cas steals them back all night long, but it works out because Dean puts up with his kicking. 

He creeps in and sets the tray down on his bedside table. Then, unable to resist, he slips back under the covers and wraps his arms around Dean. Dean stirs somewhat awake, and wiggles back into Cas with a satisfied hum. 

“Morning, sunshine,” Dean says sleepily. “Where’ve you been? ’S early.”

“Uh, I was…” Cas glances back at breakfast, and he thinks it looks measly now, small and poorly put together. “I made breakfast. For you to eat in bed.”

“...You made me breakfast in bed?”

“Yeah,” Cas says quietly, tucking his face in Dean’s neck, enjoying the closeness but also trying to hide his embarrassment. “Is that okay?”

“What? ‘Course it is.” Dean sounds like he’s smiling, and Cas can see it in his mind’s eye, that dreamy thing that only comes out when Dean is extremely relaxed. “It’s sweet.”

“Sweet,” Cas says, testing the way the word feels in his mouth.

“Yeah.” Dean’s still half-asleep, unfiltered and unencumbered in a way he rarely is, even now. “You’re real sweet to me, Cas. Always are.”

“Even though the breakfast isn’t good?”

“What?”

Cas sighs. “I messed up the pancakes and the eggs, and there wasn’t enough bread. It doesn’t look good like it does when you make breakfast.”

“I don’t care about that,” Dean says, a little more awake, his voice sure and strong. “I’d eat concrete if you made it for me.”

At that, Cas feels the knots in his stomach begin to unwind, feels his heartbeat slow to match Dean’s. He kisses the back of Dean’s neck, lips lingering on sleep-warm skin. Dean shifts closer.

“We’d better get up,” Dean murmurs. “Don’t want the coffee to get cold.”

“Or the bacon.”

“You made bacon?” Dean sits straight up in bed, sniffing around in the air like a bloodhound and apparently completely awake. Cas rolls his eyes and flops over into the warm spot he left behind, pulling the covers up and over himself again. “I can’t believe I didn’t smell that. Damn, Cas. You outdid yourself.”

“I don’t know about that,” Cas says. He peeks around the blankets as Dean grabs the tray and settles it over his legs eagerly. “It’s not—”

“Oh hell yeah!” Dean looks down at him with a brilliant smile that seems to make everything else around them go dim. “You got the apricot jelly stuff?”

“Yeah.” One thing Cas had done right. “I picked some up at the store the other day. I know it’s your favorite.”

Inexplicably, Dean’s ears go red. “Thanks, Cas.”

“Of course.” Cas sits up and studies Dean’s face like he has for years. Dean’s expression is a little difficult to read, but he’s still smiling. Cas feels himself start to smile, too. “So this is okay? You like it?”

“Dude.” Dean looks at him incredulously, but it’s good-natured, fond. “You’re as bad as me. I’m telling you, this is great. I don’t think I’ve ever had breakfast in bed before. And it’s…” Dean goes red again, this time all the way to the apples of his cheeks, but he continues on valiantly. “Nobody’s ever done the shit you do for me. And I’m so fucking lucky, it’s ridiculous, and I…” The hush of their bedroom seems to grow, to expand, as Dean glances at the tray then back at Cas with some huge emotion behind his eyes. “I love you.”

Cas blinks. “You—”

“I love you.” Dean says again.

“You love me,” Cas repeats breathlessly. He knew it would come eventually, he did, but this—this is worth the wait.

“I love you.” Dean laughs like he can’t quite believe it, like he’s so happy it’s ridiculous, it’s impossible. “Holy shit, there it is. I said it. I love you. You made me breakfast in bed, and I fucking love you.”

Cas surges up, unable to hold himself back any longer. He takes Dean’s face in his hands and kisses him as deeply as he can, as deeply as he’s ever wanted to. Dean is surprised at first, but meets Cas in the middle like he always does, takes what Cas gives him and then takes some more. They only separate when the tray is in danger of tipping all of their breakfast over onto the floor.

“Let’s eat first?” Dean says sheepishly. “And drink the coffee?”

Cas’s face hurts from how hard he’s smiling. “Yeah. Okay.”

So they sit side-by-side in bed on top of the covers, sharing bacon and toast, sipping coffee between secret little smiles, and Cas relishes every bit of it, every human moment. He watches Dean chew, enraptured by the image he makes: the sunlight behind his head a halo, the holiness of his soft grey shirt and sleep-mussed hair, and all of it, eclipsed the golden shine of a soul Cas can no longer see but can feel—even in his humanity, he knows he can feel it. 

“I love you,” Cas says.

And when Dean says it back, his face is more beautiful than anything in heaven.

[estrel]

for #spnprideweek day 1: coming out + flags

↳ summary: cas tells sam a secret that he hasn’t (really) told anybody else. surprisingly, sam has one too.  PRIDE series | gen, sam & cas | word count: 1.7k

[READ ON AO3]

Sam’s grimacing a little at the grease from the fries on Cas’ plate. Cas would usually make a comment, here, about Sam keeping his eyes on his own paper, or that it isn’t nearly as bad as the veggie burger sitting on his plate at Sam’s behest. This is the recompense, Cas wants to say, but his mouth is dry and no words are coming out even if he wants them to.

Accompanying the inability to speak is the twisting feeling in his gut that won’t even allow him to pick up the burger. The smell is too much, too, and Cas hates to admit it but it’s probably the grease, so he sits back a little against the peeling seat of the booth to calm his nerves.

It’s just Sam. He can do this. It’s only that this is the first time he’s telling anyone, and that definitely ups the stakes a little.

Well, that’s somewhat of a lie. Cas had told the nice woman at the grocery store check out last week when he’d seen her little pin on her work uniform and asked where he could get one. 

He hadn’t actually bought one, of course, but Cas eyed the small bin full of brightly colored pins on the way out, convincing himself it was stupid to get back in line again for something so small and inexpensive. Still, he’d thought about it on the drive back to the Bunker, and that night in his bed, and the full week following, up until now. 

Now, Sam was looking at him with concern, and wiping his mouth in that way that means he’s about to get serious.

“Is everything alright?” he asks, pointedly looking down at Cas’ loaded plate. He’d barely taken a bite, except for a few nibbles of his admittedly greasy fries. And it was weird because since becoming human, Cas' appetite had grown considerably, much to Dean's delight.

And—Dean. That's what this was all about, wasn't it? Sure, it was more than just Dean, it was all the humans that had made Cas' body ache like it hadn't before, had made him think of what it means to be in this vessel—his body—and be attracted to other...humans.

It was odd. In hindsight, things in Heaven had been so much easier in this regard. Cas had spent most of his life clueless to the capabilities of human attraction, and then he met Dean and it all came crashing down around him. Only then, Cas was ignoring it. He was facing the other way, because though he felt human, he wasn't. Not really.

But everything is different now.

Cas clears his throat.

"Well," he starts, "no. I am feeling what I believe you’d call...anxiety. My stomach hurts, I find I'm unable to eat, a-and my hands are—"

"Cas," Sam interrupts. Shaking. Cas' hands are shaking.

Sam's fully set his fork and knife down now, hands clasped together on the edge of the table. "Talk to me."

Cas licks his dry lips.

"It’s not...it isn’t a big deal, really,” and yet Cas can feel his heart hammering in his chest. He sucks in a breath. “But I’m, uh. I wanted to tell you that...I like men.”

Sam’s expression doesn’t change, but he blinks at Cas once from across the table.

“Okay.”

Cas raises an eyebrow, pulse slowing down a little with his next exhale. “Okay?”

Maybe it was that simple, and Cas was worrying over nothing. It’s just...this feels like it should be bigger. Earth-shattering. Like Sam should either hug him or tell him he never wants to speak to Cas again.

Instead, he just shrugs, picks up his fork and pushes bits of his salad around his plate.

But then Cas’ gaze moves to Sam’s face and...Sam’s frowning. Cas feels his heart thumping hard again, waiting for the ball to drop. It feels a little like when Dean sat him down to “talk,” right after he lost his powers, and, well. Cas knew how that had ended. He braces himself for the worst, schools his features to something more neutral.

“I’m,” Sam clears his throat, “I’m sorry you got nervous over all of that. I-I get that coming out is...” he laughs, “usually a bigger deal, but. You don’t have to worry with me, you know? I get it.”

That makes Cas pause. “You...do?”

Now Sam’s looking at him, eyes a little wide, but he works his jaw and gets the words out. “Yeah. Uh... well I guess now’s a good a time as any to tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

The fork is set back down again. The bell over the diner door jingles. 

“In college...you know about Jess,” Sam says, jogging Cas’ memory. He knows, so he nods and Sam continues, “Well we uh. We actually met in a Gender Studies class. I thought, ‘pff, easy A,’ but it was actually way more complex than I originally thought, so she kind of...tutored me.” Cas raises an eyebrow, and Sam rolls his eyes.

“Actually tutored me. Whatever. Point is, I learned a lot—‘cause she was a great teacher—and...not just about the class, but about myself, too.” 

Cas nods slowly, beginning to catch Sam’s drift. “Okay...”

Despite his tone, Sam’s posture stiffens a little, like he’s uncomfortable, or not really used to this type of conversation. Cas does his best to relax into his seat to ease him, unfolding his arms.

“What I’m saying is,” Sam shrugs, “I’m...not...cis. Like, I don’t....I’m not um, a guy, I guess. Well, sort of. I’m non-binary.”

Cas is silent for a second, mulling it over in his head. Eventually it becomes long enough for Sam to say, “Uh...you know what? You can forget it, man—”

“No!” Cas says, almost knocking over his plate in the process. The silverware clatters as it falls onto the table, and Sam flinches a little. “I was just thinking...I want to apologize if anything I’ve said about your gender has ever made you uncomfortable, or if you—”

Sam’s out-facing palm makes Cas stutter to a stop. There’s a weird guilt settling in the pit of his stomach, and the anxiety that he’d thought was gone is back full force again. Cas tears off a piece of his napkin.

“Cas, dude. Calm down,” Sam laughs. He takes a deep breath, and Cas follows his lead. They breathe in and out together for a beat, and when Cas feels fairly calmer, Sam pushes both of their plates aside.

“There’s no need to apologize for something you couldn’t have known about,” he starts, shaking his head a little, “and you haven’t done anything wrong, either. I still use he and him pronouns, and sometimes they and them. And besides, it’s not like I go around telling people. Especially with, uh, the way I was raised...I’ve been hesitant, you know? It was great in college, people were really supportive when I told them. But then when I started hunting again...I don’t know. 

“My dad...uh. I tried telling him, once. Didn’t go too well, so I didn’t try it again. I think that’s why Dean...” he shakes his head, frowning down at the table again. “It wasn’t easy, growing up the way we did. You could probably understand that.”

Cas nods. Under the table, his napkin is shredded into bits. 

“I do. I think, in a way, I also understand being trans.” Sam jerks their head up, intrigued. 

“Angels...we don’t experience gender the same way humans do. In fact, the concept is entirely nonexistent in Heaven. So, when we take vessels...”

“You’re essentially defining yourself,” Sam says in awe. It makes Cas smile to see them back in their element, leaning forward a little to listen better. “I never thought about it that way, not really.”

Cas shrugs. “I’m not sure all of my siblings did, either. Many chose according to which vessel would best suit them and their form. That was definitely a factor in me choosing Jimmy, but I also found the thought of looking like a human man...greatly appealing.”

Sam’s nodding now, gaze darting to different parts of the table. Cas knows that means they’re mentally crafting an essay right about now, or thinking of what books in the Bunker might further help in their research about it.

“Wow,” he says, “that’s—I mean. Wow, Cas. Thanks for telling me that. And uh, the other thing.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

There’s a comfortable silence between them now, and Cas takes it as an opportunity to sip from his slightly-melted iced tea. 

“So,” Sam starts again slowly, “have you told Dean?”

Cas sucks in another deep breath, and Sam nods. “Yeah,” he says, “me neither.”

It surprises Cas a little that Sam hasn’t told him, and he expresses that with an inquiring eyebrow. 

Sam purses his lips and dodges the unspoken question. “Dean’s not a bad guy. You probably know that better than anyone except me. You know he’d still love you if you told him.”

Cas’ heart pounds at the mention of the word. When Sam notices, he feels his ears begin to heat with a blush. 

“Oh,” Sam smiles, “that. I figured. For a while now, but I didn’t wanna say anything.”

Cas tries to will away the heat on his face. He doesn’t say anything, so Sam leaves it be.

The waitress gives them a worried look when she brings the check, eyeing their barely touched plates. They both smile apologetically, insisting that their food was “great” when she whisks it away.

On their way back home, Cas asks if Sam can stop at the store. They don’t ask anything more than, “we need groceries that bad?” and Cas dips inside. He knows this is just like any other grocery run—going in and out as quick as possible with the things they need—yet his heart hammers all the same when he stops in front of the bin near the door. The same employee from last week is working on lane six, and he’s sure to check out at that one with his goods. She gives him a knowing smile.

Cas flops into the passenger seat, a little out of breath.

“That was fast,” Sam starts to say, before noticing Cas’ lack of grocery bags. “Dude. What d’you buy, air?”

Instead, Cas brandishes two brightly colored pins. Sam tentatively takes the yellow, white, purple, and black one, eyes wide.

“For me?” they ask.

Cas smiles, running his thumb over the rainbow one in his hand. 

“For both of us,” he says.

[@spnprideweek]

[justagirlwriting]

Dark Side- Chapter 1

Warnings: Mentions of torture, blood, nightmares, and cursing. 

Parings: Dean x You, Sam Winchester, Castiel, Lucifer 

Word Count: 1188

Chapter One

“Funny isn’t it, how you have to feel so much pain to feel nothing at all?” He danced around me happily, I knew there was always something off with him. “We’ll cut here.” I screamed out in pain followed by low moans. “A little pressure here,” more screams spilled out of my mouth. “Perfect now to pick up the pace.” I looked into his red eyes as he drove an angel blade through my stomach to the cold table under me.

My screams were loud and raspy, I called for help but help never came. It had felt like it’s been 50,000 years of torture, of pain and blood, but never death. I begged for him to kill me but he always replies with the same, “If I kill you now what else am I going to do for the rest of eternity?”

He pulled the blade out of my stomach and sliced through my throat. Dark red liquid flowed from my neck but I felt no pain. “No screams. Perfect!” He danced around me chanting and singing, it was always fun for him to torture people. He slided parts of my body off watching as they grow back. He would cut up my stomach and stare at how they would fuse back together. Finally he would cut my head off and watch as it was drawn back to my body and fit back together like pieces of a puzzle. “So, how can you die?” 

Screams spilled out of my mouth as I uttered, “I don’t know….he never told me.” 

“See, I know you're lying to me. And…,” he ripped my heart out and held it in his hands. “You know I hate when people lie to me.” He was pulling my bloody intestines out like a rope with a smile on his face.

“I hate when people torture me. So you stop and I’ll tell you,” He stopped pulling for a second. 

As a bit of hope washed over you he came in close and whispered, “Guess I have to make things worse for you to talk.” He walked quietly over to the table of instruments and hid one behind his back. He skipped over to me and whispered to your ear, “You ready?!” He smiled and petted my Y/H/C hair as he impaled an archangel blade through my heart.

“NOO!” I throw myself out of bed hitting something on the way up. Breathing heavily and scared out of my mind I noticed Dean was in the bed.

“Y/N, you okay?” Dean sat up quickly noticing my state, “Shit, okay calm down, everything’s fine. You're here with me. This is real, okay, it was all a dream,” he grabbed me and held me close. I started to calm down as he brushed my face with his thumb. 

“I’m here with you and everything is okay?” you asked but also kind of stated to myself.

“That's right.” Dean continued to brush my face.

“What happened? What's going on?,” Sam burst through the door. I screamed and flew away scared. I ended up on the floor next to Cas, who was in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

“Another nightmare Y/N?” Cas sipped his coffee, then helped me up off the floor.

“Damn it Sam, she could be anywhere right now.” Dean’s voice was faint but growing louder.

“Sorry Dean I didn’t know.” Sam’s voice was growing too as they came closer.

“Just knock first.” Dean and Sam stepped to the kitchen to find Cas and I. “There you are Baby. Are you okay?” He gave me a hug and then kiss me, which always made me smile.

“I'm okay, just a little skittish. It was a bad one this time.”

“What was it?” Cas and Sam asked simultaneously. Dean grabbed us a cup of coffee and made it just the way I liked it.

“Lucifer.” I grabbed the cup and sipped at the  warm brown liquid.

“Maybe if you talk about them, they’ll go away.” Cas said as he flipped a pancake.

“I can't. I don't want you to know what I went through. Besides I’ll be fine, and he's in the cage. I have nothing to worry about.” Cas and I buckle in pain as a surge of energy washes over us. Dean reaches out to grab me while Sam grabs Cas.

“What the hell was that?” Sam and Dean were in sync this time.

“A nephilim is coming to be,” Cas spoke.

“A what?” Sam looked at me.

“An offspring of an angel and a human. But who would be having a child? I don’t know of any angel that would do that, they all know the rules,” I looked at Cas.

“Lucifer,” Sam uttered.

“I didn’t know he was dating.” Dean joked trying to lighten the mood.

“We’ll have to stop this child from being born,” Cas spoke, I sighed in agreement. “I’ll go see what the other angel’s think.” Cas flew up to heaven as Dean, Sam, and me searched the news and bunker for information.

After a while I got a creepy feeling rising from my stomach to my heart. It was a feeling I got when I was around Lucifer, but the bunker was warded against angels, even I had a hard time finding it while flying. So why was I feeling this way, maybe it was just the dreams getting to me. 

I decided to go make some coffee, “Getting tired?” Dean came around the corner to the entrance of the kitchen.

“No, I'm fine. What about you?” Dean shook his head, “Are you sure because you can go lay down..” Dean started walking to me. I looked at him questioningly.

“Y/N/N I’m fine. But I know you need to get some sleep. Come on. Let’s go take a bath to get you ready for bed.” He took the coffee out of my hands and led me to the bathroom. When we got to the bathroom I noticed that it was all ready for Dean and I. There was cinnamon and apple candles lit, with a small hint of vanilla but I couldn’t find one. There were hot towels and my favorite bathrobe on my hook. The bath was full of hot water and bubbles, maybe that was where the vanilla was at.

“You didn’t have to do this, a simple shower would have been great,” I joked.

“Not for my Baby, only the best. So, milady if you would be so kind as to join me for a bath, I would greatly appreciate it.” He bowed in front of me joking back. I laughed as I started to take off my shirt.

“I’d be happy to my good sir.” He smiled and pulled me close and placed a loving kiss upon my forehead. “I love you Dean.”

“I love you more Y/N,” Dean kissed my lips soft and gentle, but ever so passionate. I too finished getting undressed, then you both climbed into the tub. Enjoying the hot water and the presence of each other. I will always love Dean, even if my destiny is to go dark.

[clairenatural]

Shy Nerd | Dean

Punk | Castiel

[ the world needs more of this]

college au! this ran away from me and ended up 2.2k whoops :’) i hope you like it! (also note i have no idea how motors work i am not an engineer)

There’s an open textbook on his bed, but Dean is ignoring it; instead, he’s scrolling aimlessly through Instagram. He doesn’t really understand Instagram, but Charlie had looked so shocked and dismayed when she found out he didn’t have one that he’d given in. He doesn’t post much—doesn’t have much to post, really, besides his car and LARPing with Charlie—but it sure is a good distraction from his physics work. He sighs and flops down on his back as he taps through stories. It’s a Friday night, so there’s all the usual parties, and clubbing videos, and group dinner shots. He frowns as he taps through Charlie’s story of a few of their friends playing D&D—he’d be there, too, if it weren’t for his exam. His physics final, on Monday, that he should be studying for. Instead of being on Instagram.

Dean is about to close the app and begrudgingly turn his attention back to his notes when he clicks onto one last story.

HELP NEEDED ASAP, it says, white against a black background, in all caps. Someone who is good at engineering. Or building. Or even just welding things. I’ll pay you, it continues, and then in pizza and beer. Please, in smaller font, directly below.

Dean pauses. He likes beer. And pizza. And building things. He could help out this—who posted this, anyway? It’s a name he doesn’t recognize. casanova.k. He taps on the profile picture. His eyes go wide.

Oh.

That guy. That guy from the hipster art party Charlie had dragged him to earlier in the semester, when she was still dating that art girl, and he’d ended up in a dark room thick with smoke, blurry with alcohol, talking to a guy about three levels of cool higher than him about…something he can’t remember. He just remembers hastily exchanging Instagrams as Charlie dragged him out of the party, ranting about her soon-to-be-ex.

And now he needs help.

Dean looks at his textbook. He looks back at the guy’s—Cas?—Instagram. He takes a deep breath and pulls up a message.

i like beer, pizza, and welding things

It’s smoother than usual, and Dean is proud of himself for about 2 seconds before he panics and ruins it: i’m an engineer, i mean. not just a rando with a thing for power tools, haha.

There’s an achingly long pause before Cas likes both messages.

This is how Dean Winchester ends up standing in the University’s metalwork studio, with 24 hours left until his final exam, staring at a multi-eyed, multi-winged, metal…thing.

It’s due next week, Cas had said. I know it’s last minute. The only studio space I could get was Sunday.

And Dean had said yes, like a fool, because he can never say no to boys in eyeliner with pretty eyes.

Now, staring up at the sculpture, Dean lets out a low whistle. Cas, next to him, groans and drags one hand down his face. “I know. It’s—this is why I need help, alright? I think I can still salvage it if I just—”

Dean, who has taken a few steps forward to admire the intricacies, looks up sharply. “What?”

Cas frowns back. “What?”

Dean shakes his head. “No, I mean—I’m not an art guy, but this metalwork is great, man.” He traces one of the welded seams. “You, uh. Obviously have good hands,” he continues, and then winces. Great compliment.

There’s a soft huff and Dean looks up to see Cas watching him, bemused. “My good hands,” he emphasizes it, and part of Dean wishes he could melt like solder. “Make me a good artist. They do not make me good at making things move.”

Dean blinks at him. “Excuse me?” Move?

Cas frowns again, but it’s more out of worry than confusion. His arms are crossed, and Dean tries very hard not to focus on the black ink swirling down his forearm. “I sent you the plans yesterday.” Now he’s chewing on his lip ring, too, and Dean rips his attention back to the steel structure to stop himself from focusing on that, either. He tries to think about these plans. He remembers getting the text, opening them……and immediately disregarding them in lieu of getting as much studying done as possible. Internally, he groans.

Externally, he nods, pretends to know exactly what these “plans” are. “Sure, yeah,” he covers, and hopes it’s convincing.

The metal…thing, because Dean still isn’t sure exactly what it is, has a cluster of wings in the middle—6, to be exact, and they’re poking up around 3 large rings. He reaches out for one of the rings, right between two of its welded eyes, and gives it an experimental push. It creaks, and sways, and Dean winces when he hears Cas suck in a breath behind him. “Sorry”, he mutters, but when he turns back around Cas is frowning at the art piece and not at him.

Dean is expecting to hear either it’s alright or, more likely, never touch my art again, but Cas just hums and steps up until he’s standing next to Dean. “What do you think this is?”

It’s the closest they’ve been since he arrived, and Dean takes a moment to observe the other student from this distance. He’s wearing black boots, black jeans. A t-shirt with a band on it that Dean has never heard of. His nails are black but the rings he’s wearing are silver, and so is the cross hanging around his neck. His hair looks like he either spent an hour on it or no time at all, and his eyes—like at that party, the one neither of them has mentioned yet—are rimmed in black. Dean, in his sneakers and second-hand jeans and faded Batman shirt, has never felt less cool.

“It’s an angel,” Cas continues, and Dean isn’t sure if he’s given up on waiting for a response or if he’d never expected one in the first place. “A biblical one. You know, the ‘be not afraid,’ kind.” He lowers his voice for the angel impression, which Dean didn’t think was possible. He doesn’t know what to do with the realization that it is.

“Don’t think this is what my mom meant when she used to say angels were watching over me,” Dean tries for a joke, and it’s half-hearted, but to his relief Cas chuckles anyway.

“Yes, well. The church preaches them as significantly more…cuddly.” Cas frowns. “It makes praying to them easier to sell.”

The cross around his neck is starting to get confusing.

“And these—these are gonna move,” Dean hazards a guess, reaching out to touch one of the rings again. “All of them?”

“They’re electrons,” Cas nods, which Dean supposes is an answer. “They should all circle the wings together, like the classic atom diagram. But I can’t—” Cas reaches out for the ring this time, hand landing directly above Dean’s. He pushes it, and it sways. Obviously frustrated, he pulls back. “I need it to be motorized, to look right. And I have the motor but don’t know how…to do it.”

And, well. That, Dean understands. He smiles and, in a burst of confidence, claps Cas on the shoulder. Cas looks up at him, startled, but his expression morphs into a soft smile at the look on Dean’s face.

“Let’s get her moving, then.”

He tries not to think about the time slipping away as Cas hauls out the motor, or when he hands Dean tools. He does not stare too long at Cas’ biceps when he’s screwing something in, or when they have to do last-minute welding. They get it hooked up, and it whirs to life, and Dean does not think about how late it is when Cas gives him a hug in his excitement, or when he promises to follow up on his beer and pizza promise at his apartment.

It’s there, back in Cas’ apartment, sitting on his living room floor, both a beer or two in, when Cas finally mentions it.

“You’re the one who gave me that idea, you know.”

Dean stops mid-chew and blinks at him. “Whg—” he swallows his bite of pizza and tries again. “What?”

Cas shrugs and doesn’t make eye contact. He picks at the beer label. “At the party we met at. The one we aren’t talking about, for some reason.”

Dean wants Cas’ ugly, blue, cigarette-smelling shag carpet to swallow him whole.

“You told me you don’t ‘get’ art,” he sets the beer bottle down to do air quotes, and Dean’s shame deepens. “Because you only ‘get’ science. And I told you they were the same thing. And you told me to prove it.”

Suddenly, it clicks, and Dean risks making eye contact. Cas catches his gaze and holds it steady, and he’s calm—not upset, Dean registers, which is a relief. “The atom,” he blurts out, and Cas grins. “Yeah.”

“Art and science.”

“Yeah.”

Dean is sitting up straighter now. “But, the angel—”

Cas sighs and pushes himself up from where he’d been leaning against the couch. He turns until he’s fully facing Dean. “Divinity,” he raises one hand, “and the core building blocks of humanity,” he raises the other. “Art,” he gestures with the first hand, “and science.” With the second.

Dean stares at him. “Are you calling art divine?”

“Art is an expression of divinity,” Cas shrugs. “Science is an explanation for it. But it’s—you know. The same thing.”

Dean wonders how he can say that so casually, so nonchalantly. He wonders what would happen if he crossed the pizza-box distance and kissed him.

“I’m sorry,” he blurts instead, and Cas raises his eyebrows. “The party, I didn’t think—I didn’t think you remembered.”

“I assumed you didn’t,” Cas counters. “But you did. You do. Why didn’t you text me?”

It’s exactly what he expected to hear and it still catches him off guard. “Um—” Dean stammers, trying to think of a good excuse. Cas is just watching him—not staring at, watching—brows furrowed.

With a heavy sigh, Dean settles on the truth. “Come on, man. Look at me,” he scoffs and stares down at his jeans, the already worn knees even worse after the day spent kneeling on concrete. “I’m an engineering dork who plays D&D on Fridays and you’re—” he waves vaguely in Cas’ direction. “You know.”

The frown has deepened. “I don’t.”

“Cool.” It sounds so juvenile to say it out loud.

Now, Cas looks taken aback. “Dean. We met at a party where I voluntarily listened to you talk about string theory for an hour and a half.”

Dean doesn’t know if that’s a compliment or not. He buries any possible blush with a swig of beer. “String theory’s cool,” he grumbles into the bottle.

“Yes.” Cas agrees. “And so are you. Although—” he pauses and tilts his head. “I could have sworn you were in physics, based on how much you talk—”

Dean is so caught up in Cas Novak calling him cool that it takes his brain a second to process the word “physics,” but when he does he nearly spits beer all over the ugly carpet. “Shit,” he swears, already starting to scramble up.

“What?” Cas is following him, frowning.

“Physics final. In—” he checks his watch, “—16 hours. I gotta—” he still has time to water down the beer, study, and get at least 7 hours of sleep before—

“…Why did you just spend all day helping me if you have a final tomorrow?” Dean pauses from where he’s trying to find his other shoe to glance back at Cas, who looks so genuinely baffled it shoots a warmness into Dean’s heart.

“You needed help,” Dean shrugs, finally locating the missing sneaker and pulling it on. “Good luck with the angel, though, okay? If it gives you any running issues, feel free to—”

He’s pulling on his jacket when he feels a touch on his arm and realizes that, sometime in the past 20 seconds, Cas has crossed the room to him. “Dean,”

Dean pauses, and Cas…looks nervous.

“I like D&D,” he offers, and Dean stares at him.

“What.”

Cas levels his gaze. “There is nothing more punk than dragons,” he replies, incredibly seriously.

Dean’s brain short-circuits.

Maybe it’s the adrenaline from the exam panic, maybe it’s the 1.5 beers, maybe it’s Cas’ hand still warm on his arm, maybe he’s still caught up in Cas calling him cool and maybe his brain takes an extra second to load his self-consciousness on its reboot, but—he leans down and kisses him.

Cas makes a small noise but kisses him back almost immediately—but then he’s pulling back nearly as quickly, and he gently pushes Dean back by the shoulders when he tries to follow. Not far enough away to be a rejection, just…enough. “You have an exam in the morning,” he says this like an apology, and the warmth in Dean’s chest grows. “Text me after?”

Dean nods, then pauses, realizes what Cas just said, and nods again. “Yeah, I—yeah, I will.”

“There’s not enough alcohol here for you to pretend to forget this time,” he teases, but he’s smiling.

Dean flushes anyway. “I’m sorry.”

Cas shakes his head and pushes him a bit. “Apologize tomorrow. Go.”

“Okay.” Dean doesn’t move.

“Okay,” Cas replies.

“Okay,” Dean says, and leans down to kiss him again, a quick one, because he thinks maybe he can.

“Okay,” Cas repeats, but his tone is fond. “Go.”

“Okay,” Dean repeats back. But this time, he does.

The next day, after he aces his physics final, he doesn’t pretend to forget.

[cowboyadjacent]

Being human is... challenging, to say the least. It’s strange, and unsettling, and he can’t shake the feeling of his body being too big for him, the small space he used to have to cram himself into suddenly too large. Empty.

Eating turns out to be a silver lining, however. No matter how skeptical Dean is about that, considering Cas’ eating habits.

He sits there now, his own plate forgotten as he stares at Cas picking the diced onions out of his soup one by one.

He stares.

And stares.

And stares.

Cas doesn’t say anything to put him out of his misery.

Eventually, he clears his throat. Cas raises an eyebrow.

“Yes, Dean?”

Dean gestures to his plate, brows forrowed. “You don’t have to eat it if you don’t like it, dude”

Cas sighs, indulgent. It’s this again, then.

“I know, Dean.”

Dean doesn’t look too convinced.

Cas watches Dean watch him, patient.

“And you know i can just not put onions in stuff if you don’t like it, yeah?”

Cas shrugs, looks at Dean for a moment. At the set of his shoulders, the nervous drumming of his fingers.

“it tastes better with them.”

Dean looks pointedly at the small pile of onion Cas has managed to pick out.

“Uh, you sure about that?”

“Yes, i prefer it like this,” Cas pauses, considering. “It’s how you make it.”

Dean’s face flares red, and he looks away for the first time, rubs his hands together.

“I could also make it the way you like it” he says quietly

Cas smiles at him, strangely comforted.

“Thank you, but i think it tastes perfect like this” he says, and watches in satisfaction as Dean tries to hide away his grin.

Cas catches a cold a few weeks later (he should’ve expected it at some point, in hindsight, but that doesn’t make it sting any less)

He lies there, with his stuffy nose and slightly blurry vision, convinced this is what death feels like. Dean keeps making this very specific noise every time he mentions that, Cas is starting to suspect he’s trying not to laugh

He hears Dean come in, but opening his eyes would be a clear invitation for a headache. Hears Dean approach carefully and place something on the dresser next to his bed, listens to the footsteps as he leaves

(seven to approach, and exactly ten to leave, his brain counts dutifully even while he’s dying, Dean).

Dean’s long gone when Cas finally forces himself to open his eyes and look at what’s been left for him.

He blinks a couple of times, the room slowly shifting into focus, and when his gaze finally falls to the dresser he feels like someone took his heart out and squeezed it tight.

There it is, sitting next to his bed. a piece of bread (freshly baked, most likely, and isn’t that, just. Something), a bowl of tomato soup. and right next to it, on a small paper towel, a pile of diced onions.

meticulously picked out, one by one.

Cas stares at it for what feels like hours

He doesn’t even notice he’s still smiling until much, much later.

[hawkland]

(Mostly) Destiel Fic Recs #5

This is a LONG recs post because it’s been a while since I did an update and I fell hard into reading one author’s work (DeanRH). In fact I could easily do a rec post just of their fics alone, but for this round I’m just going to pick out a handful of my absolute favorites so far, the ones I’d recommend to start out with, along with more other authors’ works I’ve especially enjoyed lately.

Absolution at the Five-and-Dime by DeanRH (125k)  - this is perhaps THEE DeanRH fic to start with if you want a good, long read with a little bit of everything (Roadtrips! Intriguing casefic! Americana! Tasty Dean/Cas pining! Wing!kink and unique angel lore! Kinky soul fisting and tentacles!) It’s kind of two of parallel stories in one: the first, a flashback to Dean and Sam's first year hunting on their own (as well as trying to avoid hunting, and John in general); the second on how Dean and Cas finally get together during an unusual case and when Dean is able to really let go of his past trauma and accept himself/accept love from Cas. 

What I love about DeanRH’s work is that they write from the unique point of view of a drifter, so they understand living on the road, traveling place to place, and the highs and lows of that life like no others I’ve encountered in SPN before. (The author’s notes are often as much fun to read as the stories themselves). They also write a kickass angel!Cas and never lose sight of his non-human traits and background. Their writing style is unique - almost poetic in nature, and I know some readers have found it difficult to get into. But it works really well for me in their SPN fic...gives it the flavor of oral story telling as might actually happen at a drifter’s camp (with one story written exactly as such). Be warned this particular fic does play up the idea of John Winchester being mentally abusive and Dean having to turn tricks when he was younger in order to support him and Sam, so there is some dark stuff. But as someone who grew up with mentally abusive parent, reading this was extremely cathartic to me and believably written (unlike some stories that go too over the top with abusive John, or just don't understand how that kind of abuse leaves lifetime psychological scars.)

The rest of this round’s recs below the cut.

Carnevale by DeanRH (18k) - Actually the first fic by this author I read, because I just couldn’t resist a story set in my favorite place in the world, Venice, Italy. Castiel is the Angel of Venice, banished there for so long he does not even know or remember the reasons why. But Carnevale season is the one time a year he can let his wings out - figuratively and literally. And during this particular Carnevale season, he meets an intriguing masked young American tourist there with his brother and their one night stand turns into something far more powerful than either expected. This one’s hot, romantic, and achingly sad at the end as it all ties together unexpectedly with canon-verse...though with a hint for the future so it’s definitely not totally sad. I loved how DeanRH clearly understands Venice as a fellow lover of the city, the side of it most tourists never see unless they spend a long time there. This story made me cry just from wanting to be back in Venice again.

Ice cream was sweeter, food more satisfying, everything was an epicurean delight. There was just something magical about Venice, and he had lived here in the city for hundreds of years, so the shine should have worn off by now.

But it didn't, and there was always something more, something wonderful to discover around the next corner. The painted eaves of a church. The beauty of two women dancing with flowers in their teeth across the Piazza San Marco one day, overcome by the sheer joy of just being there. The way the university students still created Venetian masks, like Castiel's extravagant volto mask and Dean's humble servetta muta, with crafts that had been handed down across the generations. The morning silence that lay against the stones.

Hard Landing by DeanRH (26.9k) - A bit similar in theme to Carnevale. A pre-series Dean and Sam are sight-seeing in Spain when an angel, struck by a babel-spell, crash lands right in front of Dean. A strange yet seriously hot encounter with the angel turns into something much more complicated when the brothers return home and realize something more serious is afoot and they are both trapped in the middle of it. This is another story where things are very much not as they seem at first (as fun as that is!) It features master strategist Cas at his best, with a side helping of delightful trickery care of Gabriel and Balthazar as they deal with Lucifer, Michael...and a few others along the way.

The Sacred Band of Thebes by DeanRH (14.5k) - The last DeanRH fic I’m gonna allow myself to include in this round up, because it’s just very soft and sweet and beautiful - for a story about Dean & Cas being magically transported back in time to ancient Sparta! This is another story infused with a great knowledge of place and history, with some wonderfully delightful original characters added in that make it all the more enjoyable to read.

And now on to some other authors, I promise!

IPAMIS OL OLPRIT by emmbrancsxx0 (56k). A really wonderful fic that take a different look at what might have happened with a temporarily resurrected John Winchester during Season 14. Dean & Cas are in an established relationship here, and John here isn’t too happy about it — though mostly because he sees Cas (and Jack) as monsters, the kind of monsters he spent his lifetime hunting. This is a great fic for the emotional complexity of how John, Dean and Cas are all handled. John isn’t a cardboard evil dad, Dean is struggling between his loyalty to his father and to Cas, and Cas is increasingly bitchy/frustrated at Dean still being so desperate for his father’s approval (and all the more complex for not just being a quietly suffering perfect supporting boyfriend.) There’s some great action sequences in this too along with the emotional angst and a delicious dose of hurt!Cas if that’s your thing (as it is for me :D)

Abrenuntio by Neonbat (51k). A very dark but compelling AU take on the/a apocalypse universe. Dean, Sam and John are all alive in this post-angel war-apocalyptic world. They are part of a group of human survivors fighting against the angel army when they manage to capture “Blue” — a particularly feared angel of death. Dean is tasked with bringing Blue in for interrogation and he becomes a prisoner in their camp after John is killed. As mentioned, this is a pretty dark/sad fic (with some rather gruesome torture scenes) but I still found it quite compelling as a look at how things could have gone in some other parallel universe. And somehow the author manages to make the Dean/Cas relationship come together despite them starting out as complete enemies. This is one of those AUs that works for me because the core of the characters really shine through despite the differences in the setting.

if it all fell to pieces tomorrow by spocklee (37k) - a gorgeous post-Empty rescue fic that takes an approach I haven’t really seen explored in detail before (despite being something I’ve actually thought about as something that could’ve happened.) What if Cas has spent so long denying himself happiness, and then trapped in regrets and false-rescue scenarios created by the Empty, that he can’t trust that his rescue is real? And so he runs off to be on his own - literally stealing the Impala because he can’t handle being in Dean’s presence one moment longer - and only slowly comes to terms with the idea that it’s over now and he can be happy with/around his friends and family. This one’s both deliciously angsty and at times funny/sweet, looking at Cas’s relationships not just with Dean but with Sam, Jack, Claire, even Eileen. It does some fun stuff with other returned angels and demons who now find themselves back on Earth (and human), and...I just really enjoyed this one a lot.

Both Saved and Lost by angelfishofthelord (13.7k) Gen Cas character study, absolutely gorgeous and sad and one of those fic I couldn’t stop thinking about the day after reading it. AU where Apocaverse!Cas isn’t immediately killed by our Cas during 13x22 but instead hitches a ride back to the main ‘verse. Dean and Sam want to keep him alive for information on Michael; Cas is torn and trying to figure out just how similar—or different—they really are. Some great angel stuff here (I also highly recommend this author’s Jack & Cas “dadstiel” fics, they’re equally lovely and heartbreaking at the same time.)

flesh of the mighty by Mudprophet (2.7k) - THEE “What exactly did Dean eat in Purgatory, anyway?” fic you’ve probably already heard about. *cough* I’ve been trying to work up the courage to read this one for a while and finally gave in and OH MY CHUCK I’m so glad I did. It’s perversely disturbing and beautiful at the same time, Cas is wonderfully DERANGED and ALIEN in that way that I love it when fics managed to convey just how much angels are NOT human. Do heed the tags.

Full of Grace by ilovehowyouletmefall (11k) - Another one for the weird-as-fuck-angel!Cas lovers’ list. Heaven/canon-compliant fic where Dean knows he should feel happy and at peace but he just...isn’t, even with Cas and all of his friends and family there. He finally goes looking for Cas when he’s been absent for a time and, for the first time, gets to not just see but experience his true form. Another one that hits some kinks I knew I had and others I didn’t...until now. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

don't ask me where i've been by saltwound / @1x06 (8k) - I can never resist a good 09x06 fiction gap fic! What makes this one really stand out is how well it captures Cas’s internal voice - his struggles adapting to human senses, limitations and emotions versus what/how he experienced things as an angel. The longing and feelings between Dean & Cas here are so achingly beautiful and I just wanted to cry when Cas says he misses hearing Dean’s prayers, so Dean, he...oh, I’m not going to spoil it. *happy sigh* Just read it.

this room is wrong by DarkHeartInTheSky (12k) - Sometimes I like torturing myself with some good 15x03 divorce arc angst and this fic hit that button just so. It’s an alternative take on where Cas might have ended up after leaving the bunker and features some great Cas & Sam friendship feels, when Sam sets out to try to bring Cas home. It’s all the stuff you’d wish the writers would’ve let them talk out in canon.

Well that’s more than enough for this round! Go forth, read and give some great writers some kudos & comment love!

[jumblejen]

Don’t Shoot the Messenger

Suptober21 Day 7: Young at Heart

https://archiveofourown.org/works/34352239

Gabriel remembers dying, his brother’s blade burying itself into his chest, the fierce pull into nothingness, into the Empty. He hadn’t really known what would happen next. Sure Castiel had yammered away about the Empty and how he had been killed by Lucifer and then resurrected. It’s not that he didn’t believe Castiel, but it was one thing to hear a story and another to live it. Or not live since he was dead.

He doesn’t remember a lot from the Empty. He died and it was uncomfortable, like thinking through jelly until it hurt and hurt and hurt. He didn’t understand how there was so much pain when he was a) dead and b) non-corporeal. Still he woke up a little when a something ripped through the Empty. That was almost worse. The constant pain was one thing but it was a whole other ballgame of strange when he was both awake and asleep and, you know, still dead.

And then came the rip through the Empty that let the light shine in and he was all the way awake and then somehow he was an angel again kinda sorta among a host of angels and demons and he wasn’t sure what else and they all streamed through the jagged brightness cutting through the dark and into somewhere else. Mentally he had almost been torn to pieces but then there was a voice saying “Hello” and his pieces all coalesced and his nephew was there.

“Hey Jackie boy.”

“Hi Uncle Gabe.”

“So what’s new? Thanks for the rescue…not sure what’s going on…”

“Oh that wasn’t me. The Empty took Cas because he loves Dean and Billie died so Dean and Cas didn’t die. Except Cas did die because the Empty took him and Dean was sad.”

“Kid, I’m gonna stop you there. I really don’t need to know all about Cas and Dean and all their melodrama.”

“No, that’s just it. The Empty wanted to punish Cas but it didn’t work and it backfired and once he was out the tear didn’t heal itself so I came in and scooped everyone up!”

“So I’m just alive again like nothing happened?”

“Oh no. I mean yes. Well, that’s up to you.”

“Jack-o. Kiddo. I’m gonna need more words buddy.”

“Everyone from the Empty has a choice. You can be reborn on Earth. Or you can be an angel again. Or you can go on to the afterlife.”

“I thought the Empty was the angel afterlife.”

“It thought so too. But that’s just because Chuck didn’t have a very good imagination. And was a dick.”

“You’ve been spending too much time with Dean.”

“So what is your choice?”

“If I pick Earth do I get my old body back?”

“No. You’ll get reborn into a human body as a baby. And you won’t remember being an angel.”

Gabriel rubbed his chin only to find he didn’t have a chin at the moment. “Can we…”

“Oh sorry!” Jack stood awkwardly as Gabriel stretched his limbs. He also rubbed his chin just for good measure. The kid looked just as Gabe remembered if a little older behind the eyes.

“So are you the new Dad?”

“Yes. But also no.”

“Have you noticed you aren’t very good at answering questions?”

“It’s hard when you’re still building everything. And I’m having this conversation with a million others at the same time.”

Gabe laughed and scuffed a foot on the ground, mind racing.

“I really do need you to decide. The sooner everyone gets sorted the sooner I can rebuild heaven.”

“Give a guy a minute to think.”

“Why? You already know how you will answer.”

“If you already know how I’m going to answer, why even ask?”

“Because Cas says that free will is important. Just because I know the answer doesn’t mean I shouldn’t let you get there on your own.”

“You know that doesn’t make a whole lotta sense.”

“It does when you are me.”

“Alright kid. I’m picking angel. Which apparently you already knew.”

Jack’s face broke into a huge smile. “I’m glad Uncle Gabe. I hope we get to spend lots of time together.”

“So do I call you Jack or swear my undying devotion?”

“No. I’m still your nephew and you’re still my uncle. Unless you don’t want that?”

Gabe was surprised at the wistfulness on Jack’s face. It was hard to reconcile the idea that Jack was the new God with the fact that he was also still just a four year old vaguely raised by the Winchesters in all their dysfunction with a falling angel who preached free will. “No, no kiddo! You’re stuck with me. So what happens next?”

“Well I’m going to snap my fingers, since I have fingers right now and you’re going to appear in heaven. I figured you can be the first since your always heralding things in the bible.”

“You know ‘messenger’ was never my favorite angelic duty.”

“Don’t worry, it’s just for this one thing. You’ll know what to say when you get there.” Jack raised his hand and snapped his fingers.

Gabriel didn’t feel a motion of movement or of being rebuilt or created but here he was in heaven, a handful of angels turned in surprise at his entry.

“Behold! I bring tidings of great joy,” Gabriel couldn’t stop the words coming out of his mouth, “Jack has raided the Empty and liberated the fallen.” Gabriel closed his mouth. Several angels tittered and smirked.

“What?” Gabriel looked down at himself and realized he was wearing old-fashioned robes and lace up sandals like a low-budget low-accuracy biblical reenactment. “That’s not funny Jack!” Gabriel stalked away from the other angels and realized he was also sporting fake painted wings that flapped a little with every step.

“You’re right Gabriel. It’s not funny. It’s hilarious.” Gabe whirled to find Castiel standing there still in his unfashionable trench coat and twisted tie. He took out a phone and snapped a picture.

“How does your phone work in heaven?!”

“Jack likes playing Candy Crush,” Cas said with a shrug.

“How long do I have to wear the wings Jack?” Gabe said it as a prayer, and not at all like a curse.

“You can take them off whenever you want. Just wanted to make sure you knew that we like jokes in heaven,” echoed Jack’s voice inside Gabe’s head.

Gabe’s scowl slid off his face as he started smirking and then smiling and then laughing so hard he had to put his hands on his knees to stay upright, ridiculous fake wings flapping all the while. Gabe couldn’t wait to plan his counterattack. And figure out how to mess with the new angels. And the old ones. And definitely the Winchesters. Maybe Rowena would help him with that…

“It’s good to be back.”

[apatheticanvas91305]

Even When You Hide

Happy @starrynightdeancas​ celebration day to @firefly124​! I got really busy over the last couple of weeks, so its not as good as I wanted it to be for you, but I hope you like it anyways. (also I had to abandon my sketches and normal art style today due to technical difficulties, so the art is a bit rubbish, sorry, if i get round to finishing the other one in my normal style when i get home to my computers, I will send it your way) BUT ANYWAYS I hope you love it (the fic not the art, hides) and I think Sophie is the dopest for putting this whole thing together.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Castiel

Tropes: Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss

Based: Somewhere after 10.03, when Crowley give Cas grace and Dean is cured of Demon-ness, and 10.18, when Cas gets his grace back. I did not mention the Mark of Cain though. 

Song: I See You - Missio

Word count: 2.2K

I see you when you're down And depressed, just a mess I see you when you cry When you're shy When you want to die I see you when you smile It takes a while At least you're here I see you

It had been 25 minutes since Dean had sent Cas to pick out the paint for his room. He put down all the sheets and lined the sockets and skirting boards with tape and was now sitting at the foot of the bed, tapping his foot to a silent beat.

Dean hadn’t known what to get the angel from the store so there were currently 12 pots of paint, all different colours, sitting on shelves in the garage. He chewed on the inside of his cheek absentmindedly, picturing the scrunch of Cas’ eyebrows and the tilt of Cas’ head as he scowled at the cans.

‘Dean. What does it matter if the room is winter blue or baby blue?’ Dean could almost hear him ask it - the gravel of Cas’ voice rumbled in the back of his mind. Dean shook his head, smiling, and headed to see what the hold-up was.

What he found was a mess.

“Fuck. Shit!” Pots of paint were scattered across the room. Most were broken open, stripes of paint led away from a large metal cabinet that had toppled over onto the Impala and cast the tins in all directions.

“Cas!”

Dean ran forward, holding his breath. The cabinet had smashed right through Baby’s windshield, fracture lines spanned what was left leaving chunks of glass suspended in the laminated frame. The bonnet had been completely crushed, practically folded in half, and the corners had torn into the paintwork. Dean would be seething except he couldn’t breathe. He threw his weight behind his shoulder, forcing it under the shelves and straining until black dots danced in his vision.

“Cas!” Dean collapsed, his efforts futile. “Cas! Where the hell are you?!”

And then he heard it – the quick and broken, but quiet sobs of an angel. Dean whirled around o fast his neck cracked and then he crawled, actually crawled on his hands and knees, towards the sound.

Behind the impala, Cas was perched on the balls of his feet with his trench coat pooling around him. Dean had never seen him cry before, not like this. There was a streak of paint that ran from just under his left eye to the corner of his mouth. Where his tear tracks converged with it, the drops turned blue and fell to the ground like grace. Dean watched, transfixed for a moment, before scrambling closer.

“Cas.” Dean’s voice louder than he meant it, startled Cas out of his fugue state. His hands, which had been moving, stilled instantly as he looked back at Dean with wide shiny eyes.

“I don’t want to go, Dean.” The cracks in Cas’ voice tugged at Dean’s soul. He didn’t understand.

Dean shook his head. “What?”

Cas’s eyes only grew larger as the hunter reached out, “Dean, please don’t make me go.” His arm hung in the air, terrified of doing the wrong thing. He knew Cas couldn’t fly anymore but it had never stopped feeling as though their conversations were timed, except Dean couldn’t see the numbers on the clock. He was always waiting for Cas to vanish. “I want to stay.”

Bile rose in the back of Dean’s throat and his hand dropped like dead weight between them as he realised what Cas was saying, what he was thinking. He thought back to months before. ‘You can’t stay.’ He’d said, the same bile rising in his throat as now. He looked at Cas in his human clothes, that goddamn hoodie., and watched as Cas’ heart broke. Watched as the hurt played openly on his features, defences down. And then, he’d looked away. Dean remembers looking anywhere but into his best friend’s eyes, knowing that if he did his resolve would surely crumble. Now, all he wanted was for Cas to look at him, but the angel had gone from a deer in the headlights to refusing to lift his head higher than his shoulders.

“I can fix it, I promise.” Cas’s hands started moving again. His fingers shook as he tried to slot several pieces of broken glass back together. Small cuts littered his palms, bleeding freely as Cas worked.

“Cas. Cas, why-” Dean swallowed around the lump of panic still tuck in his throat, “Why aren’t you healing? Is it the grace? Is it failing?” His hands had found there way between them again. They hovered uselessly over Cas’ own. Cas was shaking his head, but Dean wasn’t sure if it was in answer to his question.

“Cas?” Dean didn’t know what to do, until he did. Taking a shaky breath, he allowed his panic to consume him for one second more before he tabled it.

“Cas,” His voice was gentle but solid, “Cas, stop it. Please,” - Dean stilled Cas’ hands with his own. He turned them palm up and, careful not to catch any of the cuts, unfurled the angel’s trembling fingers with is thumb – “Just stop.”

Cas was still refusing to meet his eyes, but he’d stopped shaking his head. He stared down at the pieces of glass and Dean followed his gaze. He recognised them as the broken remains of a small glass statue of an angel. Sammy had presented the thing to a few years ago after he’d nabbed it from some rogue crossroad demon’s second-hand shop to bully Dean with. ‘A guardian angel to save me from your moping when Cas is away,’ Sam had said, and Dean had shoved it deep down inside Baby’s trunk. That was until they moved into the bunker and Dean had felt some strange compulsion to place the glass angel atop the recently toppled shelves. Cas had been there, tilting his head at him. ‘Present from Sam,’ He’d practically growled before running away.

“Hey,” One of Dean’s hands left Cas’ in favour of poking him gently in the cheek. Cas jerked backwards slightly, finally meeting Dean’s eyes. He was still crying but less so. Dean nodded, “I need you to listen to me. You. Are. Not. Going. Anywhere. Ever. Again.” He waved his free hand at the mess around him. “All this, none of it matters,” Dean moved his other thumb in circles, steeling himself. This moment is what all his years watching chick flicks in secrecy had been preparing him for. “You, Cas, are what matters. To me.”

Dean held his breath for one, two, three seconds. Cas hiccoughed, blinking one, two, three times as the last of his tears fell from his cheeks.

“Why aren’t you healing?” Dean whispered into the space between them, a little afraid of anything louder.

“I didn’t want to waste m…” Cas looked lost, “It.” Dean waited.

“When Metatron took my grace from me, he left me human. Except I’m not human. Jimmy though, Jimmy was human, fragile. Without my powers, I’m,” Cas struggled with his words, he looked away. “I’m a baby in a trench coat.” Fuck. “I am nothing. And I can’t go back to that. I can’t keep steeling my kin’s grace from them, reducing them as I have been reduced. I can’t.” He dropped his head to his chest once more. “But I also don’t want to die.

“Castiel.” Dean swerved back into Cas’ eyeline as he spoke, “You are not nothing,” Cas stared at him, not believing.

“You are not human. You’re not Jimmy. But you’re not your grace either.” Dean was going to make him understand how wrong he’d been sitting in Eve’s diner. “You’re not your vessel and you’re not your powers. When I look at you-” The hunter swallowed, “When I look at you, I just see… you. I see you, Cas.”

He looked down at their hands, feeling dizzy. He couldn’t believe how mushy he was being or how much he didn’t mind. He felt like Colin Firth. “As for the rest of it, we’ll figure it out. We always do. The grace situation… Well,” Dean smiled, small. “We’ll make it up as we go.” Dean lifted Cas’s hands to his lips and pressed a kiss into a single cut. After a moment, grace began to shine beneath the skin and the wounds pulled themselves closed.  Beaming now, he leant back and ran his thumb over the soft new skin, turning their hands so their finger interlocked.

“Dean, I-”

“I made a mistake,” Dean interrupted, “I have made so many mistakes. But, kicking you out like has to be one of the worst. No explanation, no assistance, no nothing. It’s the wrongest I’ve ever been in my life. Gadreel gave me an ultimatum but that’s not an excuse. Doesn’t even come close to justifying what I did. I should’ve told you what was going on. Maybe if I had tried, for even a second, to communicate, we could have avoided a lot of pain. I should’ve – I should’ve done a lot. But I didn’t, and that wasn’t good enough.’

“Dean, it’s okay.”

“No, no it’s not.” Dean broke eye contact then.

“Okay, well” Cas squeezed his hands, “I forgive you then. How’s that?”

Dean huffed out half a laugh. His next words caught in throat as he looked back at Cas. He was so close to him. Dean supposed he always was. Dean’s eyes caught on Cas’ mouth where he had worried at his bottom lip. It was red and sore and wasn’t healing. Before Dean knew what he was doing, he was tipping forward, eye slipping shut. When they met in the middle, he barely felt it. He touched his lips to Cas’ like he had to his hands, his heart pounding against the inside of his ribcage. Dean didn’t realise he hadn’t been breathing until Cas’s lips moved against his own and he gasped for air. He leant against Cas’s forehead breathing far too heavily for such a chaste moment. They sat there just breathing in each other’s air for one, two, three seconds. Then Dean surged forwards, pushing of his feet so he was kneeling up over Cas. He dropped the angel’s hands in favour of holding his head in his own, pressing desperate kiss after desperate kiss to Cas’s mouth. Cas leant backwards under him as they kissed, moulding to fit the curve of his body. His dropped hands had twisted their way into Dean’s flannel, pulling him closer.

As Dean’s lungs screamed for breath, he pulled slowly away. Cas’ head dropped to rest against his sternum and Dean allowed himself to bury his face in his hair. His hands had settled at the base of Cas’ neck and began tracing nonsensical patterns into the skin there.

“C’mon,” He leant back and pulled Cas with him. Leading him by hand past the impala and a few scattered paint cans. He stopped by one - one of the only ones not broken open - and leant down to pick it up. ‘Dusty Cyan’. Perfect. He tucked it under his arm, and flashed Cas a smile.

I'm alone with you You're alone with me What a mess you've made of everything

I'm alone with you You're alone with me And I'm hoping that you will see yourself Like I see you

The next day found them huddled close together leaning over Baby as Dean taught Castiel how to hammer dents out metal without causing more damage and replace a windshield.

“D’you want to know something?” Dean cracked open his beer. Cas hummed from where he was bent over working a dent out of the open bonnet. He was wearing one of Dean’s ratty old Bon Jovi shirts, damp with sweat and motor oil and chewing on his lip distractedly – and distractingly. “Sammy got me that angel to tease me about you.”

Cas looked up then, “About me?”

“Yeah.” The hunter coughed, wondering what had possessed him to open his mouth and start yet another chick flick. Maybe he should be worried about how much of a sap he was becoming. It was Cas’ fault, obviously. “Cuz I always complain when you’re gone.”

Cas turned around and leant back on Baby, his shoulder brushed Dean’s. “You may want to begin coming up with some alternate topics of conversation.”

Dean laughed, “You think so?”

“I have been reliably informed that I’m not going anywhere.” Cas looked at him. “Ever. Again.”

Dean shoved his shoulder, smiling wide when Cas shoved back pressing him back into the Impala’s frame and leaning into his space.

“It’s why I put it up there in the first place instead of shoving in the back of some cupboard.” He poked Cas in the ribs. “Because it reminded me of you.”

“Me.” Cas echoed.

“You,” Dean smirked, “Dumbass.”

Cas growled and silenced him with a kiss for the ages. Dean let himself be taken over by the angel, surrendering the kiss to him and just basking in the feeling of Cas pressed up against him. He didn’t need some glass statue, he already had his guardian angel exactly where he wanted him, and he had proved to be far from fragile.

I see you in the dark At the dawn of something new I see you

[thegeminisage]

what do you think are some of the biggest pieces of evidence for cas being ace? i've watched so much of the show in the past month that it all blurs together, lol, so i can't remember many specific scenes. i do remember "i'm utterly indifferent to sexual orientation" (though that wasn't about his own orientation) and cas' discomfort at idea of sleeping with women at the bordello in 5.03... anything else you can think of? I'd be interested to hear your thoughts!

rubs my hands together okay a List yeah i can do a list

wait actually first i wanna say that the biggest reason is because i’m asexual and i said so 0:) like i know that sounds a joke and it is a little bit but SERIOUSLY it’s just a general Aura or what the fuck ever about people. you know how sometimes a friend group formed in teenage years will one by one realize they’re all queers and they just grouped together organically? ace people are like that too. many of my closest friends have been aspec and i didnt even know that when i met them, THEY didn’t even know. but like if you asked me to list the ten people i was closest to over my life the huge majority would be aspec like me. we find each other In The Wild. so when i say he’s ace because i said so like i’m saying I’m Ace And I Can See Him. He Is Ace Because I Said So. my ace-dar is EXCELLENT

okay anyway with that out of the way here’s your actual list. obviously much of this can be a point in favor of many different readings of cas (and i’m not saying those can’t be true at the same time as ace cas!), but i’m ace and he’s ace and that’s what this post is about so i’m focusing on the ace parts. thank you.

list of ace cas evidence:

in general cas has a lot of trouble connecting with humanity at first which is an ENORMOUS ace mood

when dean cracks in the 4.01 deleted scene “yeah i have that problem with women” (after cas talks about the difficult in finding a vessel that can contain him) cas absolutely does not get that joke. we were having ace cas moments right from the get-go

it’s shown as early as 4.02 that cas doesn’t understand personal space. this is him not getting one single thing about human intimacy works and that he’s overstepping a boundary. it’s not just that he’s an angel (though that’s some of it) he just doesn’t intuitively understand physical stuff like that

that dean/anna kiss in 4.10. LOOK AT HIS FACE. that’s a face that says “i had no idea this is how humans were intimate with each other” and also “do i want to try that?” answer: maybe. dean’s very pretty. but something about it just feels like he’s going “whoa i never even CONSIDERED that” - like that to be sexy with the humans he’s into just didn’t occur to him

i know you said so already but WOW 5.03 brothel scene. THEEE ace cas moment

i’d also like to take a moment to tip my hat to 5.04. almost every aspec will have had a period of frustration and self-loathing where they thought at least once about maybe just having sex they weren’t into as a way to be “fixed” or to prove something. when aspecs are at their lowest and most broken, they are having sex they do not want to have. and when cas is at his lowest and most broken (in 5.04 AND 9.03, thank you), what is he doing? having sex! it’s just Interesting to me that the only times cas fucks is when he’s literally in the absolute worst points in his entire life 

also, i’m getting out of order here, but that thing in 9.03 was absolutely rape. the way he talked about it after was THEEE most comphet bullshit i’ve ever seen. “that was nice.” “she was...sooo hot.” dean winchester can’t fool me and neither can cas thee tiel. 

i know everyone was uncomfortable with the cherub in 5.14 but cas was SUPER uncomfortable. “no one likes it” yeah that’s cause he’s not a big touchy-feely dude 

i actually really hate that porn scene in 6.10, but it is a classic “i don’t get it” moment + a side of “monkey see monkey do” later when he decides to mimic it and kiss meg. she started it - he’s just going “oh yeah i remember watching that on TV - like this, right?” he’s pleased with himself for correctly mastering a form of human interaction, he’s not, like, horny. 

didn’t get the erectile dysfunction joke in 6.19

obviously, godstiel’s utter indifference to sexual orientation

strongly implied to be in a chaste marriage with his “wife” daphne when he was an amesniac

being repeatedly lobotomized in season 8 is its own can of worms. they were trying to make him straight. alas, it cannot be done

meg propositions him in season 8 and it takes him a bit to catch on. i don’t think accepting means he’s not ace, just that he’s interested in stuff humans do. would have been nice for his first time not to be with a psycho reaper who got him to trade his virginity for a pb&j :/

cas seemed REALLY nervous at the prospect of the date in 9.06, almost like it was something he had to steel himself to do - yet another weird part of human life he was resigning himself to, especially after metatron told him “go find a wife and have some babies” when his grace was taken

cas in season 10 is UTTERLY oblivious to hannah’s advances, even the ones that include nudity (and his own nudity at one point lol), and when he finally catches on he lets her down in the most awkward way possible

in season 11 he says he’s gonna take dean’s temperature and doesn’t see how that’s weird lol

he never got to truly speak to dean about his weird “””attraction””” to amara but i like to think he would have been equally confused

in season 12 in the hotel room where an orgy had clearly just taken place dean snickers and picks up the panties but cas is totally oblivious

ALSO completely oblivious when the waitress hits on him in season 12

this is a little bit of a stretch, but despite being named as jack’s “real” father, his relationship with kelly, his ostensible baby mama by proxy, seemed INCREDIBLY platonic to me. like they were such good buds! but he never had any of that romantic chemistry with her - there were no lingering notes or touches or whatever. he just wasn’t interested in that same way. 

exasperated with gabriel and talking about porn stars in season 13 lol

canonically, castiel spent seasons 4-?? falling in love with dean, but he never made a move on him physically - yeah yeah the CW is homophobic but i like to think that most of castiel’s Urges where dean is involved are not in fact of a sexual nature. he wants to be close to him and important to him more than he wants to fuck him. you can long for someone in the ace way without longing for them sexually yk

this is part of why i actually really liked the 15.18 confession - the happiness was in the being, or whatever. he was already WITH dean in almost every way that mattered (i wrote a fic about this). they shared secrets, they shared burdens, they lived together, they fought and worked together, they even raised a fucking kid together! cas was convinced he couldn’t have more than that but also he didn’t really NEED much more than that and thinking about how he had been with dean all along was what made him happy enough to literally die. yeah there’s a version of that scene where the reciprocation was enough to do it but they accidentally hacked it into an ace love scene so i will TAKE it

this concludes my list! i bet it’s a lot longer than u were expecting

[spn masterpost]

edit: a few updates